#i wonder how many times ive rambled about it on this blog

[smolskye]

thinking about him again

it's so funny being obsessed with a character nobody likes. he is my babygirl and mine alone. you just don't understand him like I do

[neonkoii]

something something the unspeakable hurt of drifting away from someone you thought you’d be friends with forever

[myokk]

HOLA! ❤️ First of all, dropping some kudos because I love you and your art so much (basically my blog can be your side blog too at this point!) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Second, from the character ask, I'd like to know about 3,4 and 20 for both Eloise and Leo 😁

Hope you have a wonderful day/night!

HOLA MI ITALIANA FAVORITA💓​ I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR ALL OF THE YAPPING I'M ABOUT TO DO🤭​ will this get you to finally visit me🥺​

I'm going to answer these for Eloise SINCE I already did 3 for Leo & I have someone asking me about 4 for Leo as well🥺💓

3) What was the first thing you decided on, the character's name, appearance, personality or their role in the story?

This is a tricky answer…just bc my evil gremlin mc in the game has NOTHING to do with Eloise in my writing. I guess I would say her name? I was just thinking of what would be the most British sounding name I could think of when I started playing in December🙂‍↕️

But then my imagination took hold of me…I started thinking about Eloise’s backstory…and when I thought of how all of her family dynamics/how she grew up would influence her personality I started to be really dissatisfied with the game and the lack of choice we have while playing. SO I gave up on the game completely after the restricted section quest and started to use my free time to write my fic in January🥹🫶 but her backstory, personality, and role in my story are definitely the most interesting things about her to me!!

Bonus: my first ever drawings of her in January!!! Bad quality bc it’s an insta story screenshot😆💓 (I redid one for my fic🤭)

4) And reverse, which one of the four things did you struggle with the most?

Hmmmmm😭😭 I think her personality is what I struggled with the most and continue to struggle with as I write!!!! I always want her to feel like a *real* person with flaws, but ALSO convey to the reader why they should love her as much as I do. I think I’m successful bc I get comments/messages a lot from people telling me how much she resonates with them (and she’s some people’s favorite???😳💘) but I STILL CANT HELP BUT FEEL INSECURE ABOUT IT !!! It’s so hard sometimes keeping in mind how she is and how she thinks, and I never want her to be wishy-washy or doing things out of character for her. It’s a fun challenge but a challenge😭💓 (also her appearance changes like crazy in my art but whatever I’m learning😆)

20) bonus: share any additional thoughts, art, favorite scenes, anything you’ve been waiting for a chance to ramble about.

DES YOU REALLY WANTED ME TO YAP WHEN YOU SENT THIS MESSAGE😆😆😆😆😆

I really, REALLY want to yap about the foreshadowing and scenes I’m working towards in my fic BUT IVE ONLY TALKED TO LIKE ONE OR TWO PEOPLR ABOUT MY PLANS ( @choccy-milky & @kay9leo 🤭🤭) AND I DONT WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH I DONT HAVE MANY READERS😆😆😆😆😆😆😆 maybe in the future…

This is me redrawing the chess scene from my fic bc I’m really dissatisfied with how Seb looks in the original (he’s probably my LEAST FAVORITE TO DRAW BC IT’S IMPOSSIBLE !!!!!!!)

And ummmm….hmmm Eloise is DEFINITELY not a self-insert character to me, but I DID give her aspects of myself. Things like…we have the same birthday (January 31) and eye color (dark green), and I tend to overthink a lot and can be in my own head maybe too much, but I’m ALSO a lot more assertive and gremlin than she is😆😆😆😆 I love the fact that she’s so soft and sweet💓💓💓 & I just want to wrap her up in a big hug and never let go of her🥺🤲

(Imelda is my self-insert tbh…and this moment in my fic was ME😤:

At the sight of Imelda's worried face her throat contracted - Eloise found she couldn't speak - and she burst into tears again. They were rolling, hot and salty, down her cheeks and she hid her crumpled face back into the crooks of her arms. Imelda immediately wrapped her arms around Eloise, and she melted into her friend's embrace. Hands gently stroking her hair as she cried and cried and cried, murmurs whispered in soft Spanish to the top of her head.

She was overwhelmed, desolate, lonely.

I feel really bad for Eloise at this point in her story, but I also find it really interesting to keep poking her to see when she finally snaps and decides that she NEEDS to stand up for herself and what she wants. She hasn’t quite realized that she’s the only one who’s ultimately in charge of her life & I’m really really enjoying watching her become the person she’s meant to be🥹🫶🥹🫶

[adamworu]

hii i just wanted to say thank you for the years uve been posting eva and hyper-analyzing the series and kaworu especially .. i found ur blog after watching the series back when the Kaworu Database consisted mostly of soundboards and shit like that and despite my waning interest in the series ive not had the impulse to unfollow u. which is weird for me, because at the ripe age of 26 there’s a lot about nge that doesnt sit right with me anymore.

i got my boyfriend to watch NGE and the rebuilds with me and found myself genuinely ashamed way more than i’d anticipated. the last movie was the nail in the coffin for me specifically because of, let’s face it, the surplus of self-aware asuka fanservice. i was repulsed and denounced my interest in the series entirely. it was difficult to make such a claim because of how important to me the series was (still is, if im being honest) and how pivotal it was to my growth at the time i first watched it.

saw one of your posts on my dash today and went to take a casual look at your blog cuz i was curious as to how you were faring in the sea of eva content after a solid 10 years. looked at one of your posts explaining what nge is at its core and the messages it means to send and How it sends them and found myself falling back into the mindset of “fuck, i missed this shit.”

i appreciate how many years you’ve spent looking at evangelion as a piece of psychological horror, how many years you’ve spent dissecting it under a microscope with 50000x magnification. you’ve been the Only thing that’s brought eva back to the front of my feeble little brain over the past, idk five years or so, and youve now been the reason why i can still appreciate the series despite its flaws. you don’t focus on those flaws and it reads that you do so not because you don’t care, but because they’re obvious and don’t need to be stated. im starting to ramble and im sorry that this ask was long but dming you felt too.. personal despite this message being exactly that.

TL;DR, thank you for analyzing evangelion and kaworu nagisa for many years and singlehandedly reminding me of all the reasons why i enjoyed the series as much as i did when i first watched it. i know your interest in eva is waning, so thank you for what youve given the world over the last 10 years <3

Thank you ever so much! This blog sort of started as a way for me to navigate Eva myself. It's been 10 years and though my passion has fizzled, I still get those visceral feelings of Eva no matter what. It always pulls me in. I still have some of that juice left in me, but mostly I found other source material at the moment I'm highkey obsessed over (I'll give you a hint: cult classic, starts with V, ends with D). It's not all bad. I hope you have a wonderful day :)

[jils-things]

happy new year! ; my farewell letter to 2023.

last year, ive written a similar farewell letter to 2022 and i want to make this a little tradition - so here's my second one <3

okay, so - wow. first of all, just wow.

this might be incredibly bold to say, but i think this has been my best year to be alive (i promise you i do not want to sound corny about it, but i really think 2023 was amazing for me.) of course, many things happened. im at my last year of senior high before i go to college, which is very scary but i hope i can be brave for it. school has been actually very generous to me recently, despite a few minor setbacks that looked very major when i was going through it, but overall it was very generous to me. but irl rambling is boring, so let's talk about my selfshipping blog!

last year, i had a verrrry firm grip on a previous f/o that im 100% sure old followers know - though im a little sad I can't find that spark to focus on him again - the shift in media has helped me find new f/os that i can say has been incredibly memorable to me. as we all know, im in a very INSANE pokemon brainrot since november or october(?) of 2022 and it has still remained heavily active in my head right now - which i honestly didn't even know i had the full capacity of doing! I don't know what magic this game did to me but i promise you im so happy i revisited this game again.

i would talk about how grateful i am to everyone has been supportive and sweet about my romantic f/os but i think the best highlight of my blog is my newfound love for my familial f/os - before that, i never had a single one on my list because i was simply quite disconnected to the family love concept, but after indulging myself in pokemon - i would come to discover pokemon adve.ntures, or poke.spe for short hehe. i have so many fond memories of finding myself wanting to read more and MORE - i would have every chapter downloaded beforehand just so that i can read it in my spare time, not even school that demanded my attention would stop me from sneaking my phone to quickly read through the manga LMAOO - but consuming the media itself wasn't enough, i needed people to understand the ROLLERCOASTER of emotions i had while reading and well, i think its very clear who those people were, the ones who came to save my miserable ass from (insert shocking scene in poke.spe) AHSJHSHSJSJS you know who you are and i appreciate you forever and they - i kid you not, helped me create something wonderful!

but of course, the video games were just as amazing. would you believe me if i told you i played gens 1 to 7 in one year? that's how much i adore the game and i still have yet to catch up to other games like the spin offs :] im not sure how to end this statement but. im so happy appleshipping and memoryshipping exists 🥹 i usually don't like thinking that they'll be with me forever because i believe nothing lasts for eternity but i just wanna say that they were just ... im just so contented 🥹 again, all of this actually would not have been so impactful to me if it weren't for my awesome mutuals hearing me out about it and supplying me with even more ideas - these mutuals would also end up becoming such loving friends of mine that helped me get out of my comfort zone and im still happy they're around (hi guys!) 💚

oh! and, what a surprise, i never thought id have an oc f/o! i initially thought that this was so impossible to do but?!??;?! it just happened i guess!!!! i keep surprising myself this year 😭

ok now here's the obligatory art summary for the year 💥

literally the best thing i ever done with my art is try using csp and it actually really helped me change the way i draw, and i even managed to cross out a few items in my last year's resolution thanks to it! i still bounce between using ibispaint and csp but i certainly improved!

the last thing im forever grateful about are the people who has been consistently supportive of my art - especially the commissions, i can't stress it enough how much it has helped me outside and it allowed me to go beyond my comfort zone when it comes to my drawing skills :']] thank you all so much

and finally, big thank you to everyone who sent me nice letters to my tree 🥹💚 its a gentle reminder that im actually ... pretty cool ig 🥹 and if you didn't send one, that's also ok!! you're still cool for reading this mwamwa

again im so bad at ending posts like these but cheers to a new year and let's hope it'll be better for everyone. 💚🫡 goodbye 2023!

[fr-economics]

[holds mic towards you] have you anything to say about the higher availability of strange chests through higgins and how it affects the powerful yet vulnerable beast known as "the economy?"

ive seen so many people throughout notn complaining about higher chest availability and lower egg drop rates meaning less profit for them, and after some scrolling throughout your blog ive found an explanation to the things ive been wondering about for a while; that the profits of specific people are not "the economy", and the economy is only changed by people's decisions around money. so, then, how *does* more availability of strange chests actually affect the economy? if you care to comment c: (sorry for how rambly this is! props to you for being able to so succinctly talk about something so confusing)

Thank you for your message! I'm so glad my blog has been useful to you.

TBH I don't have anything particularly intelligent to say on this topic 😅 as it's really just a matter of basic supply and demand. When one evaluates the economy, it's usually from the perspective of some person or group. So people who are hoping to make profits off of eggs are not going to be happy, as you've noted, but people who want cheaper eggs will be happy. It does seem like egg prices will be permanently depressed, and I wonder if this will have a significant effect in the dragon population over time. Not sure yet.

Everything else related to strange chests is pretty negligible as there were soooo many chests, even before Higgins, that the fams, etc. are worth barely anything.

Personally, I would not bother investing in eggs. I do not think they were ever worthwhile. Selling strange chests is almost always better than opening them (we can determine this because we know the egg drop rate). Using the gems earned from this to buy the gem exclusive items to sell during the summer is the way to go. The Baldwin items can also be sold later for a good profit. Or, you can use your cauldron to brew the normal Baldwin genes, which skyrocket in price around NotN because everyone is busy brewing NotN stuff. Brewing strange chests is one of the worst things you can do in terms of generating the most profit.

Hopefully this at least kinda answers your question!! Feel free to ask more, haha.

[rubinaitoart]

So I want to write some things down cause this blog sorta serves as a little journal for me at times, and this is a pretty major turning point for me. A lot of this rambling might seem a little weird, or overdoing it, or whatever. But it’s important to me. I’ll be putting it under the cut because it’s going to be long and focusing on, of all things, environmental issues and plastic. Stuff I’ve never talked about on here before.

Over the past month or so, I’ve found myself in a state of severe anxiety. (I’m trying to remedy it, but there’s still some residual things that aren’t quite going away just yet.)

During this period of time, my anxiety settled on the state of the world in an ecological context. Namely, the depletion of resources and the impact of microplastics. It’s something I didn’t really consider or focus on for a while but now that I have it hasn’t really left my head.

One of my many coping mechanisms when my anxiety gets this severe is to try and think through solutions. Unfortunately this is on such a large scale that I can’t exactly do anything about it at this moment in time; but for the first time in a very long time, my anxiety did something useful and gave me a direction to take my life. It’s something that I’ve sorely needed for a while now.

This is where I want to take my education, and what I want my career to be focused on.

There’s a lot of thoughts that have been circling around in my head about everything. Lessening our use of plastic is great, but what kind of impact will it actually have on the environment on a large scale? With how the carbon cycle is out of balance and carbon emissions so high, can we afford to turn to paper as an alternative to plastic?

How do we find a solution that is feasible for the average person to commit to?

Plastic is a wonder material. It’s versatile and convenient; it can be whatever we need it to be. Thin and bendable, or solid and sturdy, or a thin wrapping to properly seal things. Bags, boxes, buckets, containers. It lines our aluminum cans to keep the aluminum from leeching into the drink, it makes it easier to distribute food on a larger scale, it means we don’t have to turn in milk bottles like in ye olden days, and it’s cheap to produce.

It’s in our clothes, it contains our food, it holds our water, it dispenses our personal care products.

It turns into microplastics that leeches into our blood and could be even worse than that, it’s a pollutant and cannot be composted nor is it biodegradable, it injures animals and floats in our oceans.

But it’s a wonder material, and for all the bad it’s doing, it’s difficult to stop using it. Because it’s convenient and easy to make, we’ve integrated it into our way of life to make things easier. It’s no wonder that trying to outright ban plastics doesn’t go very far. We might be able to get away with taxing plastic bags or banning plastic straws, but there’s so much more that’s still being used and discarded.

Plastic is not a disposable resource.

All of this to say, I want to find reasonable solutions to ecological problems, starting with plastic. There are many plastic alternatives that, in the long run, will cause far more environmental damage. Rapidly depleting resources for a massive population isn’t how we fix the problem; so we need to find a sustainable and renewable resources. Plant based solutions are a great start.

Like straws. There’s a company that produces straws made of sugarcane; specifically a byproduct of the sugar production process, the fibers that are stripped away.

Things like this make me optimistic that we can find more solutions to a plastic problem. And even if we only reduce plastic consumption by 50%, I’d be happy. I recognize that there are many situations where plastic is a good thing to use, such as evidence collection in forensics or necessary medical equipment like IV bags. We just need to find a way to reduce our usage of these plastic items to a less wasteful level.

So that’s what I’m going to get my degree for. I might not make much of a difference but I’d like to at least try and do something; and I’m a little excited that I finally have an idea of where I want to go in life.

[bugthebugsblog]

hey everyone! i’ve been feeling a lot of negativity in the fandom lately and wanted to make a quick appreciation post especially for some of the ask blogs that we have now! excuse me if i miss any, and if i do please let me know and i’ll add it on :D

1. @jalph-speaks i may be a little biased on this one because mack is the mod, but i’ve always enjoyed how the storyline of this blog keeps so many people invested. it’s without a doubt one of my favourite ask blogs in the fandom, truly a godsend

2. @adventures-of-maurice another one of my favourite ask blogs in the fandom. i love the storyline with the ring and with maurice and sam’s past friendship.

3. @wavesovergraves i LOVE this blog so much, kara (the mod) is so sweet and the art is amazing. i love the way she writes all the characters and how we interact with them in return.

4. @ask-the-feral-boys i love how this blog is based on the island, and how each of the boys can respond to our asks. i think it’s really smart how it’s been confirmed that the boys think the asks are just voices in the head. it makes a lot of sense with how they’re mental states have to be declining over time on the island

5. @thief-and-bloody-swine this blog is run by two wonderful artists, i literally cant get over how amazing both of their art styles are plus i always love high school au’s with the boys

6. @naval-officer-x-parachute-man i don’t even have to say anything. this ship is literally GENIUS.

7. @lotf-dance-au HDHRHRHRHHRHR THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVOUROTE ASK BLOG IM NGL i LOVE seeing the art of the boys dancing it’s just sO GOOD

8. @ask-lotf-high another amazing high school au with some amazing creators. i love seeing the art on this blog, it’s just beautiful

9. @lord-of-the-clue i’m personally getting to help with this blog along with mack and kara and it’s been so much fun. coming up with the lore and the different relationships has been awesome, so i wanna thank these two especially for letting me help with this

10. @ask-the-lotf-boys this is another au with the boys on the island. it just recently got started and i’m already in love with it. i love the overall vibe of the au and i love how it’s centered around the hunters

11. @lord-of-the-mermaids this also recently just got started and it’s already so cool???? i never thought of an au like this but i’m enjoying reading some of the asks so much

12. @lord-of-the-summer-camp this is another really cool concept!! i love how so many creators are coming up with these ideas and giving the rest of the fandom an oppourtunity to interact with them

13. @lovely-dead-children this is another blog where i really love the overall vibe, it’s got a very cool aesthetic and i always love post-island aus

14. @ask-lotf-simon this is my own blog (my bad 🤭🤭) but we always need a lil self appreciation 😤😤💪 it’s the first lotf au ask blog ive done and ive already gotten a lot of asks and it’s really great that people are showing interest

anyways, i know that i kinda ended up rambling but i’m just really passionate about all these blogs. i think it’s important that we show these creators support because they’re making all this effort to make this fandom a better place for all of us!

[hpdfag]

I didn’t get to see the pink theme sadly but this deeper red one is so cool?? It probably looks much better in dark mode but I have too many eye problems too use it all the time ngl…I’ll check it out later!

How have you been doing? I recently got a bit too BPD and now I’m in this little stage where I really wanna improve as a person, getting into self care and all that shit. It’s a bit silly, and I’m sure it’s something akin to mania, but I think it’s good for me to feel so stimulated to take care of myself! For me, it’ll get me a compliment or two from my FP and overall I’ll feel better for them. And I end up feeling good for myself so…happiness for the whole family!

Tell me a bit about how you’ve been doing and all, stuff that happened (if anything!) or anything on your mind. We’re always open-eared around you :}

- 🧶

THANK U THANK U !!!!!! ive been on an editing kick again so ive been messing w/ the themes on basically all of my blogs .. im glad u like this one :D

i've been doing really well!! it's similar for me actually, i'm finally doing some really hard work with my therapist and it sucks but it's making me want to get better. i really do believe that it's what i'm here to do, and it feels wonderful to have a purpose again. i always say that the meaning of life is something you have to find for yourself, but i never really bothered with it. i always considered myself a lost cause. but maybe i can get out of this. maybe one day i won't feel so small and scared ... it feels wonderful to feel wonderful :]

and it is good !! even if it's just mania, it's always good to take care of yourself. i always relearn some unfortunate truths whenever i bother with self care like "i feel more like a person when i bother to shower and eat breakfast" LOLOL

overall i've been doing a lot better i think :] im finally starting to break out of the mindset i worked myself into with my ex and im feeling much better for it. i've actually had several people irl tell me that im looking visibly better completely unprompted and it catches me off gaurd every time haha

i haven't been doing much but !! im hoping to get back into the swing of things, especially with school coming up in september ... but it's gonna be the last year before college!! im a senior!! wtf!! it feels weird going into senior year at 16 but i did start kindergarten at like 4 years old so i guess it tracks /silly

right now the project i want to get back on is my neocities ... it's a total mess right now while i figure out html and css, but hopefully eventually i can make it my own !! it's very vaguely space themed right now but eventually i wanna theme it off of myself since like. all of our interests come and go but unfortunately i remain /silly .. it'll be difficult but lots of fun !! (i have it linked here if u wanna poke around it in its current laughably unfinished state, itll look best on google chrome on desktop!)

ive been spending a bit more time with my mom recently too, ive been rewatching some of my favorite anime with her and we're gonna watch some newer ones too!! (we've gotten thru evangelion and madoka magica so far, and we're gonna start cowboy bebop next ^_^)

auauauaua ive started rambling like hell but !! im glad to be able 2 chat with u, it's always one of the highlights of our day :]

[a-very-tired-raven]

Aw dammit, you guys are makin me wanna post this now(10:05) instead of 11:00, but im strong lmao (WARNING, long post ahead)

Anyways, i wanted to start this post off, by giving a thanks to all the truly wonderful people ive met on this platform from this year, last year, when i first joined, and the years to come. Youve all made my experience here wonderful, and to be honest youve made me feel so very very welcomed, and especially loved.

I came to this (wonderful)hellsite during a really lonely time in my life. A few years ago, around the later days of june, 2019, looking for more undertale content. What i didn't expect to find at all, were all the wonderful people im so so so very glad to now call my friends.

All of you, and i mean all, of you invited and welcomed me into your blogs with open arms, kindness, and silly jokes. Even going to the lengths introducing me to your other friends and making me apart of your friend groups. And...i genuinely cannot express how thankful i am for that.

Im so serious, i feel so loved and cared for every single day now, i always have someone to vent or talk with, someone to joke and ramble with, so many people that ive intertwined into this little online family of mine.

Weve all been through..a lot these past three years. What, with covid, loss, hate, and so much more. What im grateful for, is that i havent lost any of you, which not only am i suprised about, but also so grateful. You guys make me feel like the best verison of myself, and make me feel..well..me. we've all stuck together and looked out for each other, helped each other out with our problems, and shared art and stories.

Ive had the pleasure of meeting some very fine, brilliant, and respectable people thus far, and have had the honor of talking with some astonishing young friends. Ive even had the pleasure of gaining followers, and have received fanart of my own characters!! Which, i would have never guess would have happened. Ever. And yet it did, and that means so much to me.

So i suppose what im trying to do, or well..say here, is that all of you have turned my life for the better, and id like to thank you for that.

Thank you, @let-love-run-red @ratsoh-writes @und3rwat3r-a5tr0naut @vrnicky @a-gods-somewhat-mortal-form @icelingbolt @shimmer-lamp and @glaucus22 for being my very first friends in here, for welcoming me so warmly, and sharing your art and introducing me to so many cool people. I wouldn't have had as good as an experienced as ive had with you to have shown me kindness in the way the way you did

Thank you @glitchysquidd for giving me the honor of seeing your artwork, and goofing off with me from time to time.

Thank you @mochamashi @kuvvydraws and @underfell-crystal for being so nice to me, and taking time out of your days to chat and listen to my stupid little jokes

Thank you @luminawithherdaemonlinh @wisteria-and-crocuses and again @mochamashi for all the fanart youve sent me iver the months, and all the kind and craziness youve shown me. Thanks for going on crazy little rants with me wisteria, and a big thank to you lumnia for supporting me and my art for so long

Thank you @shimmer-lamp for being there with me since day one, for letting me vent and trusting me enough to confide in me at times.

Thank you @rainbowut @the1920sisntaphasemom and @scienceisfood for giving me so many ideas and laughter, i really do appreciate you guys and i feel as if i dont say it enough. You guys so are hilarious- seriously, i appreciate it

Thank you so so much @hearty-dose-of-ranch @kioko-noodles @fruitsnackart @skele-fucker @sendryl and @und3rwat3r-a5tr0naut taking me in your friendgroup so fast, and so warmly. Before you guys took me in, all of you inspired me and my art so much...i could hardly believe i was actually talking to you guys and was considered a friend??! My hands were shakey, my breath was wobbly, and yet you guys never thought twice about including me. You all have been there for me since ive met you, you all have (patiently)listened to my stuttering and ramblings without a second thought, youve all introduced me to so many cool things and have made me feel so so loved..i cant possibly thank you enough. Youve done so much for me

Thank you @ratsoh-writes for enduring my chaos and bad jokes. Youve made my dumbass feel incredibly welcomed, not to mention being such a big fuckin inspiration??? Youre one of the reasons i started to get confident in my art man. Ive used your art as references so much- and youve been such a good friend to me as well?? Be angry about me gettin muchy all you want, i love you ya stinky sewer varmit.

Thank you @springbon-t-art for showing me kindess even more since i joined the hellscape that is tumblr. Youve showed me nothing less then gentle smiles and kind words, and i thank you for that. Your art has inspired me for years, and most likely years to come from now. So thank you for inspiring me enough to pick up a pencil and start scribbling down on the floorboards

And a big big thank you to @let-love-run-red love...i dont even know where to begin. You've helped me through so much, you've inspired and taught me so much fuckin stuff...you've been one of the best damn friends i could ever have. You've supported me and my cringe drawings since the day i entered your inbox as that shy little anon on that late August day.

Hell, you're the damn reason i started writing. I still remember the tips you given me, all the advice and confidence. And i sincerely thank you for that. You have shown me nothing other then kindness and hardcore support. And i cannot express how much that means to me

And theres so many more people i have yet to thank but unfortunately cannot due to tag limits and my memory. Id have to make another post and make sure i havent forgotten anyone lmao, but thank you all!! To my close moots and followers, to the big inspirations ive yet to summon up the courage to talk to

I seriously, would have not made it this far without you dorks, and i sincerely, and genuinely, hope ive made an impact at least a fragment of the size you guys have made on me. Thank you all for giving me a place to call home on this little site.

Right now the time is 10:41 as i wrap this up, so im gonna go ahead and post this(probably willl be 11 or 12 by the time you twerps get to this point lmao)

So HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

And happy many years to come!!! I cant wait to see what this years brings us, what bonds strengthen and friends we'll meet. Thank you for the wild ride and for all the adventures to come!!

[hanasnx]

 ok confession, since i saw ur reblog of “talk huttese to me”, 

“talk huttese to me” is so good and lemme make something clear, I don’t just like it I love it, literally awakened something in me, anyhow that one smut , and many of your other smuts and even the not totally smut writings, (im a bigger stalker of yours , i just know your dick is big, your writing told me), is what made me want to write and share my own stuff, you were and still are one of my biggest inspirations and you’re basically the reason why i decided to turn my blog into something, and lemme just talk about “talk huttese to me” one more time, when i read it and reread it and reread it, there was this effect that was still there each time for me and i just loved it, and I remember writing something in my little secret diary “oh my god, just read this amazing smut, life fucking changing, imagine like an orchestra that was just beautifully playing that was all in tuned with each other, and that it was just playing so loud but in a graceful way, imagine that in writing” istg that is written down somewhere in a very pink journal of mine, so yeah im sorry im rambling and I’m sorry this got long but thank you for being your little freakish self , ok that’s all, love you :D

hi val ive been gatekeeping this message so i can read it here in my inbox over and over like omgg this is just for meee

but now i need ppl to see it bcos i love it smm. the fact THTM was the one shot of mine that i wasnt sure if it would come off the way i wanted it to, and it ended up being my most popular fic which is proof self indulgence and exploration of that self indulgence balanced with characterization does wonders. saying that it awakened something in you, and saying you just know my dick is big from my writing has me reeling tbfh. it amazes me also how this blog was inspired by another blog, and then i hear how this blog has become an inspiration to you and others is such an emotional thing for me. i cant believe i get to share that, i cant believe i get to be that.

writing in your diary about it all those absolutely kind things have me grabbing my face like uGHG all im good for is being my freakish self, so euphoric i get to do that at all

i hope you take no shit and feel no shame in the endeavor of your own creative goals as disgusting as they may be. thank you.

[multigenderswag]

hi sorry, hope you don't mind another ask -

i've been questioning being multigender lately. when i was younger i identified with a bunch of labels and such, but being trans has not been a very good experience for me, and due to that i spent a long while trying to function on a binary and yadda yadda. i've finally gotten to a point where i'm working through that and trying to figure out how i actually feel, not just how i should feel

so the question is: i was wondering if you had an info pages on the terms transfemmasc and transmascfem? ive seen them used on here and they seem like terms i could potentially identify with, but i havent really found anything that just explains what they mean haha. otherwise if you could just explain them that would be cool too

but besides that, it's nice to see that there are people out there who also feel gender in a way that doesn't fit in with the general consensus. i think my gender can be very fluid over long periods of time, but at the moment, i often feel very fem-oriented, while at the same time desiring a masculine body. sometimes i think about how the ideal for me would have been to be born amab and transitioned after puberty, and it often makes me feel very guilty, because i know how difficult that is for so many trans women... i just think it would give me the presentation i desire. i want to look masculine as a baseline, so that i can care for myself and present in a way that appears feminine or neutral.

gender has always been very confusing to me, and i'm not sure if i'll ever find any labels i'm fully comfortable with, no matter how hard i look or how much i want it to be simple. maybe there are some labels that describe that, lol. but thank you for your blog, and sorry to ramble. you make a difference, and all that :)

As far as I know, transmascfem and transfemmasc mean the same thing- I just prefer transfemmasc because the word flows better for me. I identify that one because I feel like both transmasc and transfem are words that could describe me because neither one of my genders is cis. One may technically align with my assigned gender, but it's not like it's stayed there all my life- my genders have traveled all over the spectrum, and that journey was trans. Many people who are transfemmasc also identify that way due to being intersex, though that's not the case for me. You can read a little more here.

It's okay if you never find a label that's a perfect fit, by the way. You can go with a "close enough" label or no label at all, if you like.

[divinebunni]

I want to do what you do but am super duper shy ///>_<///

How does one gain the confidence to talk about sex and show so much of their body, but also show their face so much? It seems really embarrassing. What if someone gets recognized by a person who knows them in real life? Thinking about it gives me a lot of anxiety, but I really want to do it and be as confident and amazing as you and others like you, where do you get the courage?

~ honestly with all the advice in my soul, this is something i am very bad at helping with x.x I haven’t cared what people thought of me or my choices or my sexuality pretty much my whole life, i was always the high libido unhinged openly sex positive friend (even though i was abstinent until i was 18). i always dressed how i wanted because i love making outfits, i fucked and had relations with those i wanted, and social standards and all that nonsense never bothered me.

on the other hand i can say i was very prude, i was open about how much i loved sex, i loved voyeurism, but the actual act of being sexual with someone made me incredibly anxious. I didn’t have my first kiss until i was 16 even, but i know a lot of that anxiety had to do with the abuse i faced at home and the fear of punishment. in college i used sex to spite and even hurt myself, I learned a lot about what i liked, but no one could make me cum or feel pleasure beyond just spanking me until i was black. it took a lot of support and time from my husband to help me find comfort in sex, and now relief, pleasure, joy, all of the above and that is really important for me to express to others because i know how scary it can all be at once ~ and i know how hard it can be to fully commit yourself to another person after so many abandoned you.

and sharing my body here on this blog is really the only place i do so. it started because i was beginning a journey of recovery from a many years long eating disorder (i’ve had tummy issues my whole life) and my husband encouraged me to document my physical progress somewhere that allowed me to share this much of my body, all the little bits and pieces people don’t think of when it comes to trying to gain healthy weight and really be able to visualize and chart that growth. it truly wasn’t until a few months ago i started to really see myself again, I didn’t think i was too thin anymore, my ribs and hips stopped hurting as much, and the blog slowly transitioned to a positive space for everyone, all their ins and outs and lifes ups and downs, and a collective area for me to enjoy the work that sex workers do and admire genuine beauty ~ and i am so proud of my achievements and how far ive come so expressing myself in an erotic and sensual manner feels like the tru culmination of my life ~

so i guess in all that rambling i will say this, being shy is super cute ! not wanting to post your face is valid for many reasons other than not wishing to be recognized (if i was recognized id just smile, I don’t really leave the house anyway). if it’s embarrassing right now for you, over time with practice and finding your angles and the right lighting can really open up how you feel about taking expressive erotic media and posting it somewhere ~ it’s all about your levels of comfort, make a goal list and start small and work your way to the bottom, by then you’ll wonder why it was ever such an anxiety machine to begin with c: good luck all my beans that want to be sexy online ~ you deserve it 🥰

[wildflower-rain]

long post with just my musings about nothing. more a journal entry than anything else. all lighthearted stuff.

dont know if im in a mood but im considering stepping away from this blog and the internet in general for a bit.

been on here to much lately or something plus some other stuff. idk i may disappear briefly.

hesitant to do so because i think my unintentional attempt to keep stuff in this blog's queue is why my brain hasn't just rejected it. like thats not a big consideration point but it is there.

tbf there aren't many points here at all. i just kind of started thinking about this like two hours ago so yk, i may wake up and forget i said anything.

been less engaged in some ways anyway. and more in others. been on here for long periods but i normally try add a bit of commentary in the tags if only for my own memory and amusement. but i haven't seen much that ive really wanted reblog to begin with and ive had nothing to say about anything. also as i think i said in the last two posts here now i just dont have anything to say at the moment. nothing understandable and shareable at least. got real life stuff happening too. had a lot of work to do. and a lot of stress. not actually that much stress probably , not compared to normal because like every situation is a high stress situation to me. just how i work. but i may well be forgetting how stressed i've been. i'm not sure.

idk. this blog does help me sort out my brain some. which is a point to the the other side. this post is basically a journal entry. and thats really how i use this blog most of the time. rambling about random stuff. its more consistent than any journal i've kept or have tried to keep. wondering if it would be unreasonable to make a private sideblog to actually just use as a journal because apparently tumblr gets the thoughts out of me.

i should make a journal tag. maybe. i don't know. for some reason i have more faith in tumblr not losing all my stuff than my other digital note taking and journal stuff. and generally i think better in typing. i do have a physical journal. i just don't think as freely in it, my hand gets cramped or i cant write fast enough for my thoughts. so i like digital stuff. and apparently my brain sees tumblr as more likely to not lose my stuff and die than anywhere else. at least out of places that i like the format of. don't like the idea of dumping this all in a word doc for some reason. it would make more sense. i could stick things on a usb but no, instead here i am with my billion word tumblr post that anyone can see. maybe ill start copying things into word docs after the fact idk.

i dont know why im so afraid that all my shit will be deleted. i really havent lost that much digital stuff over the years, nothing important to me i dont think. not accounts, not saved info, not my own pieces of stuff.. maybe one or two things i dont remember. i dont know why i just dont trust stuff to not get lost becuase of some screw up. idk. its 3:30am i'm going to sleep now. i had more work to do but im tired and i need to do more stuff tomorrow so i might as well get some sleep.

goodnight tumblr. or goodmorning or whatever time it is when this gets released, imma queue it.

[angeltiique]

OH MY GOD.

i just realised.

this is my blog.

i can do whatever i want.

so heres a giant fucking ramble with as many thoughts on Shenggou Ye as i can manage (who if you dont know is an oc belonging to my wonderful best friend reese aka rai aka rai.diate and her story universe Liar Liar Chaos Fire 😁 she doesnt know im doing this, this is for me):

if you dont know how did you NOT know shenggou ye accidentally became a biiiiiiit of a hyperfixation for me (exaggerating). reese and i can't exactly pinpoint when it started but we think its around the time we started a zombie apocolypse roleplay with us two and another friend <3

i love him so much i daydream and fantasise about him every moment i get. i see the colour red, or a wild dog or hyena, something to do with kung fu, or any obscure thing that i manage to tie him to and i go absolutely FERAL. hyenas are now my favourite animal because of him. i see a ricecooker and laugh at how he loves rice because his asian ass is so goofy (just like me fr). i love the colours red and teal which are his main colours. my favourite songs are loose cannon by set it off and mama by mcr which are his songs. he is TAKING OVER MY LIFE /POS

i feel bad that i dont get like this with other characters, especially my other friends and even my OWN, but thats just what ended up happening and i cannot seem to control myself lol

i even made up a list of why i kin him do you want to see it well too bad youre seeing it anyway i told you this is a megapost megalist mega fuckfest okay not a fuckfest but you get the idea:

SHENGGOU KIN MOMENTS:

- large hearts, both literally and metaphorically

- imposter syndrome (self-doubt, feeling like a fraud/liar)

- scared of being disowned/losing loved ones

- making jokes during serious moments (struggling to cope so makes light of the situation = ends up brushing it off/ignoring it)

- loving our best friend from high school fr fr /gen /pl and being so excited when we see them <3

- saying fucky ass and baybee (im the reason he says it LMAOOO)

- gayass motherfuckers (both bi)

- WE BOTH HAVE PUSSIES LMAOOOO and we aren't really dysphoric about it hell yeah (im trans and sheng is intersex 💪)

- lying lying chaos crying (i know a lot of them lie but shhhhhh)

- not being good at voice regulation/shutting the fuck up LMAO (apparently its a sign of autism... shenggou ye autism real!!? /j)

- having silly laughs <3 idk my mama makes fun of my laughs and he has a silly laugh it counts sshhhh

- he probably sits on surfaces weirdly or on places you wouldn't normally sit on, and i sit weirdly so YEAH

- sex jokes? yes please (they are funny !!!)

- dramatic as hell but its because we are silly goofy

- annoying as fuck but its slash pos

and thats all i had but theres probably more in fact im doing things because he does them, like saying "L" LMAOO BUT i mean it in an endearing way 🫶

ive also been calling my mother mama a LOT more like thats WHAT ive been calling her exclusively and i know for a fact its because shenggou calls HIS MOTHER mama and the song mama by mcr again. tsk tsk this hyperfixation is legit taking over. but i love it so much.

hes all i want to daydream about. we (friends and i) have a running joke that he is my husband, i love calling him my dearest darling husband shenggou ye. its great. but i like thinking about him with me during the day, maybe doing something stupid or dangerous and laughing at him, him helping me calm tf down when im stressed. its a weird coping mechanism but strangely effective!! i prefer keeping to myself but thinking about him with me makes me feel more seen and heard and loved. and reese is a bit like him, so its also like having my best friend with me even if shes not really. i like to think i can tell shenggou anything because thats how i feel about her. again, its all really stupid and cringe but its really nice and fun

im only now realising this is probably just turning a friends oc into a para. or like. something like a para. i mean the daydreams do get vivid.. Huh!

anyway thats about all i feel like sharing, i dont expect anyone to see this like all my other posts, i just enjoy screaming into the void and seeing if anyone screams back. let it be known, having weird coping mechanisms is cool and youre so.valid. /gen biggest hugest thank you to my bestie reese for creating this goober i am obsessed with. without her art that captures his handsomeness and her writing that demonstrates his personality i would never have fallen so deeply in love with him to the point of delusion.

Now if you'll Excuse me. i am going to dream the Best dreams (shenggou will be in it). thank you and Goodnight ^_^

[julius-soc]

anyways the whole way i got here

ive been on this whole thought-train about how my school experience didnt actually teach me how to engage with or analyze or think critically about media. i chalked it up to just not liking to read since like,, yeah its all the big great literature picks youd expect (of mice n men, kill a mockingbird, pull a random shakespeare out of a hat etc yada yada type stuff) and those, especially at the time, were just like,,,, not what i was into?? The whole thing always felt so restrictive, maybe because i rarely tried to stretch what was asked to be closer to what i wanted the assignment to be, but i always had this impression that i had to engage with specific things in a specific way in order to get a desired result as seen by the educator. and having that impression may be my own failing? or the fault of how the assignment was presented. idk, but it was very frustrating

Something i wanted back in school so badly was to be given opportunities to speak on what was already interesting to me, not something assigned to me by someone else. and, to the people who need to build and teach those high school level english courses n stuff, i get not wanting to let a bunch of fickle teenagers talk about whatever they want for your class and all of the other complications that come with that. but the whole experience of getting through those classes sort of turned me off of actively thinking about media since it felt like such a chore, a feeling ive only shaken off after getting out of school.

and with how much all of the tv and music and video games ive experienced has impacted me and how i feel about stuff, it makes me wonder if i wouldve been more in touch with myself earlier if i had developed those skills back then

i wonder how many people had a similar experience, and where theyd be at if they didnt need to teach themselves how to understand stuff. getting past media as only a mindless vessel for entertainment, getting past understanding "the point" of something as intended by someone else, and applying their own analytical lens to grant their own meaning to things.

id want to give people opportunities to do that, and i think people would come out better if they we're told to like. dissect their favorite things. and id want to talk to people about those things, and understand how it's meaningful to them, and talk about the things meaningful to me, and have them understand those.

i then had the completely delirious thought of wanting to be an english teacher, which,, im not going to abandon my current career trajectory to spend a shit ton of money and take 4 more years of school just to like. hang out with a bunch of fucking 13-17y/os

but like yeah talkin about stuff. stuff i like. thatd be cool. wish i did it more. wish i had like a spot to just like, ramble endlessly about things. like a blog or something