#just dump some respecting women juice on his head and put him in the washing machine on low

[smolskye]

thinking about him again

it's so funny being obsessed with a character nobody likes. he is my babygirl and mine alone. you just don't understand him like I do

[zen3to5]

J/H 4-26: Everybody Loves Casey

Okay, back to the full scripts! Jackie and Kelso broke up early in this timeline, which means other events might be moving up too. And what does Hyde think of that?

(We assume, following production order, that 4-25, "That '70s Musical," is unchanged. I admit that's a bit of a stretch, given the "Love Hurts" number, but since Jackie and Kelso never explicitly state they're together outside of Fez's fantasies, and because that episode is pretty much a one-off within Season 4, I think we can get away with it.)

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   A sunny afternoon. ERIC is at the stovetop, scraping peanut butter out of the jar for a PB&J sandwich. HYDE enters from the living room and crosses to the fridge.   ERIC: Oh, Hyde, get this. Casey just came by to pick up Donna, and he was out in the street just revving his Trans Am real loud, and then he peels out in the street, and he started doing donuts. And then, out comes Donna, all smiling and, like, looking at him.   Hyde grabs some juice and crosses to Eric.   HYDE: What a slut!   ERIC: Look, if she wants to date him, that's fine. But he doesn't have to be all loud and jerky about it. Jerky, loud, donut jerk.   RED and KITTY enter through the patio door, grocery bags in hand. Kitty hurries to set hers down and cross to the boys.   KITTY: Oh, guess what, boys? I entered the big wiener contest at the Piggly Wiggly, and I won a year's supply of all-beef hot dogs! (laughs) I'm a wiener winner! (laughs again)   She gives the boys a chance to react; they aren’t impressed.   KITTY (cont’d): Well, anyway, we're having a barbecue.   RED: No, Kitty! I thought we were going to talk about that.   KITTY: Mm-hmm. (to Eric) Oh, and I saw Donna at the grocery store, and she said she's bringing her friend Casey.   ERIC: What? No. I hate Casey. He's Donna's new boyfriend. You have to uninvite him. (to Red) Dad, tell her.   RED: Kitty, you've done a horrible thing. It could scar the boy for life. Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.   KITTY: No. We're having it, and it'll be fun. (to Eric) And... and we just... we won't give Casey any relish.   She and Red step out to fetch more groceries. Eric turns to Hyde.   HYDE: All right. Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure. (laughs) You are so screwed.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   A gathering of the guys. Eric sits on the back of the couch, FEZ in the far seat of it, and KELSO in the lawn chair. Hyde ambles in from his room, records in hand. He sets them down by the record player and starts going through them. “Good Times Roll” by The Cars plays on the radio.   FEZ: (to Eric) So your mom invited Casey over for hot dogs? Well, that's a plump, juicy, all-beef burn.   KELSO: Ah, it's just typical women stuff. Like Jackie kissing that guy.   Hyde lunges, frogs Kelso in the arm.   KELSO (cont’d): Ow! Hyde!   HYDE: Yeah. Okay? I've decided if anyone brings up any more stupid girl stuff, I'm gonna throw something at 'em. This time, I threw a fist.   He goes to his chair and sits.   KELSO: I'm sorry. It's just - everything reminds me. And I dumped her over a week ago, and she hasn’t once called to say “hi” or offer me sad-but-hot break-up sex!   HYDE: You two broke up?   KELSO: Yeah, and it’s the worst one yet.   FEZ: All because of the cheese guy?   KELSO: Hey, I changed, and became responsible, and stopped my cheating. Then she goes and makes out behind my back, and keeps calling me names and putting me down?   He pouts, folds his arms, taps his foot.   KELSO (cont’d): You know what? If she’s not gonna call me, then I’m gonna go over there and yell at her some more.   He stands and exits out the basement door.   ERIC: You guys, I've been thinking about Donna. And I –   Hyde grabs a magazine from the coffee table, tosses it at Eric.   HYDE: This time I threw a magazine.   ERIC: No, guys, seriously. This barbecue might work out in my favor. You see, Donna's only seen Casey around his smelly, tattooed Molly Hatchet-loving friends. But when he comes to the barbecue, he'll be around us. Good, clean, Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin' Americans. And the comparison will not be kind to him.   HYDE: And then Donna will come running home to you.   ERIC: No. (beat) Well, maybe. You think?   HYDE: So, instead of pounding Casey like you should, you came up with this zany scheme? Forman, you've officially turned into Daffy Duck. (doing Daffy) You're “dethpicable!”   He makes a show of shaking his head.   FEZ: You know, I have lady problems too.   Hyde grabs a Packers’ football and chucks it at Fez, who dodges it without even looking up.   FEZ (cont’d): Rhonda won't let me get past second base. I even said “please.” Magic word, my ass. Hyde throws another ball, and this time, it hits. Fez frowns at him and chucks it back, and they get into a throwing war.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY   Concurrent with the previous scene from Kelso’s exit. He storms around the house and into the driveway. From the other direction comes JACKIE. They meet, lock eyes.   JACKIE: Hey.   KELSO: Hey.   JACKIE/KELSO: I just came by -/I miss you.   They step back.   JACKIE/KELSO: What?   JACKIE: Did you say you miss me?   KELSO: No.   JACKIE: Look, just say you miss me!   KELSO: Fine, I miss you!   Jackie takes his hands in hers.   JACKIE: Michael, I miss you too. And, look, I was thinking - since we broke up because I kissed another guy, what if I let you kiss another girl? I mean, we could be even, and we could get back together.   KELSO: Jackie, if you think that me kissing another girl is gonna bring us closer together, I'm totally willing to make that sacrifice.   JACKIE: Thank you, Michael.   KELSO: Yeah! (beat) I better go wash my face.   He pulls his hands free and heads down the street, and Jackie heads into the Forman’s kitchen.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The weekend, and the barbecue, have arrived. A table loaded with hot dogs, condiments, and drinks is out on the driveway, and a healthy population of neighbors enjoy the party.   Hyde and Fez, on the porch, lean against the house. Eric comes around the house, crosses to them.   ERIC: Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him for advice about your second-base problem. My advice is gonna be way better than his, and Donna will see that he's a greasy dolt.   HYDE: Hey, Forman, I have an idea. Set up a wacky system of ropes and pulleys, and when Casey gets here, drop an anvil on his head.   It gets a laugh from Fez, at least.   FEZ: (to Eric) Because that's what Daffy does.   ERIC: Yeah, I got that. DONNA and CASEY walk up the driveway, arms around each other’s shoulders. DONNA: Hey, guys.   ERIC: Hey.   CASEY: (to Eric) Hey, Foreplay. Getting a little shaggy up there, buddy.   He ruffles Eric’s hair.   ERIC: Okay. Well, that's enough of that!   He throws Casey’s hand away.   ERIC (cont’d): Okay. So, uh... hey, you guys are just in time. Fez was telling me about, uh... (to Fez) Some kind of problem you're having with Rhonda?   FEZ: Yeah. Rhonda won't let me get past second base, and I really want to explore further.   ERIC: Gosh. Well, I don't know. I think if you're patient and you're respectful, when Rhonda's ready, she'll, uh... she'll wave you over.   FEZ: Well, thank you, Eric. That is very gentlemanly advice.   ERIC: Gentlemanly? Well, uh, guilty as charged, I guess. (to Casey) Hey Casey, what do you think?   CASEY: Well, sometimes a seasoned lady like Rhonda, she's gotten used to the usual order of things. So, I think the next time you're fooling around, just skip second and go right to third.   ERIC: What?   FEZ: It's genius! (to Eric) No wonder you never get any.   DONNA: (to Fez) Yeah, with Rhonda, you know, that just might work.   ERIC: (to Donna) Wait, you like that?   DONNA: Well, the words are wrong, but they sound so good coming out of his mouth.   CASEY: (shrugs) I got a way about me. He pats Eric on the shoulder, and he and Donna head into the party.   Hyde comes up behind Eric. HYDE: (doing Daffy) That worked out “thuper.”   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN BACKYARD – DAY   More of the barbecue, not as crowded as out front. Several of the local ladies have gathered in this part of the house, and Kelso strolls up and down, checking them out. Behind him follows a scowling Jackie. Kelso keeps glancing behind him to see Jackie’s reactions; he’s enjoying this.   KELSO: Let's see... which chick do I want to kiss?   Jackie takes his arm, spins him around.   JACKIE: Oh, no, no, no, no, Michael. I get to pick the girl.   KELSO: But you'll pick an uggo.   JACKIE: (shrugs) You didn’t call “no uggos.”   KELSO: I just thought of something. Your plan’s good and all, but what if the girl that you pick doesn't wanna kiss me?   They both consider that for a moment, then break up laughing.   KELSO: “Doesn't wanna kiss me!”   They laugh some more.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The party continues. Red works at the grill. He passes a hot dog onto Eric’s plate, and Eric takes it over to Donna, who is at the table with Casey.   ERIC: Hey, Donna, would you like a hot dog?   DONNA: Um, maybe half. Casey draws a bowie knife from his back pocket. He takes the plate from Eric and slices the hot dog in half. ERIC: Whoa, man, you carry a knife?   CASEY: Yeah. You never know when a lady's gonna need a half a hot dog. It's funny, man. You're the boy scout, but I'm the one who's prepared.   He and Donna head toward the basketball hoop. Fez crosses to Eric’s side.   FEZ: He's like a gladiator.   ERIC: Okay, that's it. I'm bringing out the big guns. Oh, yeah. I'm introducing him to my folks.   He spies Kitty coming out from the kitchen. He takes her by the shoulders, steers her over to Casey and Donna.   ERIC (cont’d): Oh, hey, Mom, meet Casey. This is Donna's new boyfriend.   Casey gives her a nod. Kitty stares up at him, wide-eyed.   KITTY: Well, you're certainly not a girl. (laughs)   CASEY: Nice to meet you, Mrs. Forman. You know, you couldn't have picked a prettier day to win a year's supply of hot dogs.   KITTY: (laughs) Yeah, sure is a hot dog.   She falls into laughing again. Eric leads her away.   ERIC: Mom!   KITTY: Sorry, honey, it's just, he's just... I am sure you are much smarter.   Red crosses over to them.   RED: Kitty, the idiot neighbors drank all my beer.   ERIC: Uh-oh. You're in a bad mood. Hey, meet Casey.   CASEY: (shakes Red’s hand) Pleasure, sir. Hey, maybe I can help. I always keep a spare case of beer in the Trans Am. Little tip I picked up in the army.   He walks off down the driveway. Beaming, Donna crosses over to the porch to talk to Hyde.   Red and Kitty turn to Eric. Red seems impressed, Kitty smitten.   RED: I don't know. Seems like a pretty good kid.   KITTY: Uh-huh. On the porch, Hyde is back to leaning against the house as Donna stands across from him. HYDE: So, you and Casey, huh?   DONNA: Look, Hyde, whatever you heard about Casey, he's changed now. He's... he's mature.   HYDE: Oh, yeah. He's real mature.   DONNA: Well, I like him! We're together, and if you can't deal with that, then you can just go to hell!   She turns, runs after Casey.   HYDE: Hey, that's not barbecue language, young lady!   Donna meets Casey as he comes back up the driveway with a case of beer. A grape soda is balanced on top. Casey hands the case to Red.   CASEY: Here's that beer, sir. I got a soda for the minor.   He hands Eric the soda can.   CASEY (cont’d): (to Eric) Now, you make sure to drink that real slow, 'cause I don't want you to get a tummy ache, little guy.   He pats Eric on the stomach.   KITTY: Well, that's thoughtful.   RED: Yeah, he cramps up easy.   Eric, at a loss for words, shifts on his feet and cracks open the soda.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN BACKYARD - DAY   Most of the gang has moved back here. Eric and Kelso lean against the door into the garage. Kelso’s eye scans the crowd, lingering on all the women; Eric looks down at the ground with his arms crossed. Further into the yard, Hyde and Jackie sit and talk on lawn chairs.   ERIC: Casey and Donna, man. (to Kelso) Hey, remember when we were 12? We didn't even like girls yet.   KELSO: (still scanning) I liked girls when I was 12.   ERIC: Well, at least I gave it my best shot, right? If Donna loves Casey and not me, then... I mean, I guess it's over.   Kelso stops scanning, turns to Eric and puts a hand on his shoulder.   KELSO: Forman, you can't give up. Look, who knows what’s gonna happen with me and Jackie, but what you and Donna had? That was, like, real. And I'm telling you, as his brother, Casey is bad news. He's either gonna get bored and split, or something worse is gonna happen. So, you gotta do something.   ERIC: (beat) Hey, since when did you get all serious?   KELSO: Well, I’ve been broken up with Jackie, and she cut me off for a while before that, so I think the lack of lovin’ is making more blood flow to my brain.   In the lawn chairs, Hyde massages his temple; Jackie’s just explained her plan.   HYDE: So, you’re letting Kelso kiss some other girl so you can get back together with him?   JACKIE: Yeah. That way, we’ll be even.   HYDE: Jackie, by that logic, “being even” means that you sleep with, like, four guys. This is nuts.   JACKIE: Steven, I don’t care if you don’t think it makes sense! If this is the only way for Michael and me to get back together, then that’s what I’m going to do!   She stands and storms off. Hyde stands too, looks around at the guests.   HYDE: This is a hot dog party, people! Not a yell-at-guys-with-good-advice party!   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   The next day. Fez and Hyde sit at the kitchen table, bowls of soup in front of them. Red sits on a stool at the island. Kitty comes over from the stovetop with one last bowl and a tray of sandwiches. KITTY: Okay, everyone. Here's lunch: hot dog soup!   HYDE: (groans) No more hot dogs! I'll just eat the grilled cheese.   He picks up a sandwich.   KITTY: You mean, grilled cheese with hot dogs!   Hyde throws the sandwich back down.   RED: Kitty, for God sakes, I ate 14 hot dogs yesterday!   KITTY: Well, what do you want me to do, Red? They're everywhere. They're a curse on this house!   RED: Oh, fine. Let's make some calls. Maybe we can unload the damn things on a nursery school.   He stands and leads Kitty out into the living room.   Eric enters from the basement, sits down at the table. ERIC: You guys, I’ve let this thing with Casey go way too far.   HYDE: Yeah, no kidding. Donna's pretty far gone. She's starting to lash out at people at barbecues. You gotta kick his ass, man.   FEZ: Hyde, Eric cannot beat Casey with his fists. He's a special boy who must beat him with his special strengths. Now, let's think. What is Eric's special strengths?   He puts his hands together in thought. Slow pan in, and we cut to:   INT. GAME SHOW SET   FANTASY SEQUENCE. A true ‘70s game show set – tacky as hell. Boxes are everywhere. Fez, in an equally tacky suit, spins around and flashes a grin for the camera. Two boxes flank him on either side. FEZ: Welcome back to TV's favorite game show - Get Into That Box!   The title flashes across the screen as he says the name.   FEZ (cont’d): Now, let's meet our returning champion, Eric Forman!   Eric’s head pops out from the box on Fez’s left.   ERIC: Thanks. Good to be back, Fez.   FEZ: Let's meet our challenger, Casey Kelso!   Casey walks onto set, to the applause of the off-screen audience.   FEZ (cont’d): Casey Kelso, it's time to...   He points out to the audience.   AUDIENCE (v.o.): Get into that box! Casey steps inside the box on Fez’s right. He tries to sit in it, but it bursts open at the side and Casey spills out onto the floor. CASEY: (to Fez, indicates Eric) How does he do it?   Donna, in a tacky dress, comes running from off-stage to hug Eric – or, rather, his box.   DONNA: He's so tiny!   She caresses his box as Eric shakes his hands in celebration.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Back to reality. Fez nods contentedly at his fantasy.   FEZ: I would watch that show.   ERIC: (beat) Okay. That was great. Guys, I'm going over to Casey's. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. But if things get physical, I'm just gonna have to drop the hammer.   HYDE: And if all else fails, kick him in the stones and run like hell.   ERIC: Yeah, that's what I meant by “drop the hammer.”   And out he goes through the patio door. BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT RHONDA’S POV. She makes out with Fez on the basement couch. Fez pulls back and smiles. FEZ: Rhonda, your lively tongue has made me thirsty.   He lifts up a soda can, takes a sip through a straw, and offers it to Rhonda.   FEZ (cont’d): Would you like to wet your whistle?   Rhonda (the camera) nods. Fez passes the soda can. A long, loud slurping sound unnerves him; Rhonda’s drained the whole can.   FEZ (cont’d): Wow, thirsty lady. Well, we're off to a nice start. Shall we move on to second base? He reaches his hand out, places it where Rhonda’s breasts would be. His smile grows at first, but quickly falls when Rhonda’s big hand closes around his wrist and pulls his hand away. Her other hand shoots out and takes Fez by the throat. FEZ: Ai, no!   CUT TO:   INT. HUB – NIGHT   A decent nighttime crowd. “I Just Want to be Your Everything” by Andy Gibb plays on the jukebox. Jackie and Kelso stand near the counter, Kelso nursing a soda. He scans the crowd for women, and one walks by. KELSO: How about I kiss her?   JACKIE: No way. She's too tall, too tanned, too rich.   KELSO: Damn, Jackie, I don't wanna kiss a short, pale, poor girl.   JACKIE: Okay, look, Michael, all I know is that I don't want to stay broken up. Okay, you know what? You choose. Kiss any girl you want.   Kelso makes a brief show of looking around, then bends down and snakes a kiss from Jackie.   KELSO: I choose you.   JACKIE: Michael, that is the most romantic thing I've ever read, heard about, or seen on TV.   KELSO: Yeah, it was pretty romantic. I could tell while I was doing it.   Jackie sighs and sits down at the nearest free table. Kelso joins her.   KELSO: What?   JACKIE: No, it's just... look, one week you break up with me, and the next week you're Prince Charming?   KELSO: (shrugs) I'm an incredibly complex man, Jackie.   JACKIE: Michael, I can't do this anymore! Look, Michael, if you wanna choose me, then choose me. I mean, really choose me.   KELSO: Jackie, you gave me a free pass to kiss any girl I wanted, and I kissed you. And that was a big choice, ‘cause there’s a lot of hotties here.   He waves his hand to indicate the other patrons.   KELSO (cont’d): But there’s only one girl I wanna be with forever. And that’s you.   JACKIE: (beat) You want to be with me forever? You want to be together forever?   He nods. She takes his hand in hers.   JACKIE (cont’d): Okay, then, Michael, let’s commit to that right now. Let’s get married.   Very slowly, Kelso leans back. His jaw hangs slightly open, and he can’t stop blinking.   KELSO: (beat) Hold on. You wanna get married?   JACKIE: Yes, Michael, yes, I accept!   She jumps to her feet and kisses him on both cheeks.   JACKIE (cont’d): Oh, my God! You know what? I gotta go tell my dad. And you - you have to buy a ring! Just think about it! We are gonna be the “Burkhart-Kelsos.”   She runs out the door, squealing in delight.   KELSO: (in shock) The Who-hearts What-os?   He looks up to the window; Jackie is no longer in sight. He leaps to his feet, races out of the Hub, and takes off down the street in the opposite direction she took.   CUT TO:   EXT. KELSO HOUSE – NIGHT   Casey sits alone on the porch, reading an auto magazine. Eric walks up to him. ERIC: Casey, we need to talk.   CASEY: Well, I'm a little swamped right now, Foreplay.   ERIC: I think Donna thinks you love her, and if you don't, you shouldn't act like you do.   CASEY: What are you? The love police? Hands up! Love police is here.   ERIC: Hey, all I'm saying is that if you don't love her, just don't be with her, okay? Because she's a really special person, and someone out there could really love her.   CASEY: Someone out there or someone right here?   Eric doesn’t have a ready retort to that. He’s spared thinking of one by Donna stepping out from the house.   DONNA: Oh. Hey, Eric. What are you doing here?   CASEY: He was just leaving.   DONNA: Oh. Well, I gotta go, too.   CASEY: Hey, Pinciotti.   He stands and gives Donna a lingering kiss on the cheek.   CASEY (cont’d): Love ya.   DONNA: Oh, well, I...   She turns away from him to Eric, who looks down at his shoes.   DONNA (cont’d): (to Casey) Thank you. Okay, well, I'll... I'll see you later.   She walks off. Casey crosses to Eric.   CASEY: You see, Forman, it's just words. You don't have to mean it.   ERIC: If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass.   He walks off too, the opposite way from Donna.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   THE CIRCLE. “Barracuda” by Heart plays on the radio. For once, the weed hasn’t made Kelso laughy. He looks downright paranoid. KELSO: You guys, I found something worse than Jackie kissing another guy: she wants to get married! TO ME!   He looks frantically around the room, the stairs and the door especially.   Pan to Eric.   ERIC: Well, if kicking Casey's butt is the same as babbling at him from a safe distance, then boy, did I do it! But seriously, you guys, the days of Daffy are over. It's time for action. I'm goin' Road Runner on his ass. Meep, meep! POW!   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: Good. Because thanks to his stupid advice, Rhonda dumped me. I tried to steal third, but she blocked me. And choked me. Now there’s no more baseball for Fez. It's back to handball.   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: Girls, man. They'll make you miserable. Well, I got a date. (doing Daffy) Tho long, thuckerth!   He stands and makes for the door.   END.