#i wish id never started writing it. i wish i could experience writing it all again. i want to be done yesterday. i never want to finish

[wikiangela]

Hi, a bit late but joining in on the @alliwantforchristmasislou project 🫶

I decided to donate to a polish organisation called the stonewall group (which is why the pic is in polish lol)

chose this one just because im the most familiar with this one, and they do amazing work in support of lgbt+ people and fighting for our rights in this... not so queer-friendly country 🫶

now, ive been in the 911 fandom for almost 4 years now (gonna be 4 in i think February), and i only started after the episode Buck actually bc it was allll over my dash. i binged the whole show in a week, before the next episode is even aired, I loved it SO much.

as most of y'all know, I initially shipped buddie - it was the big ship, ofc i did, i wrote so much fic for them and i had so much fun and met so many moots i still love seeing on my dash 🫶❤️ but it might've been obvious (or not, idk) i was kinda getting bored and losing enjoyment, more and more of my fics and snippets were focusing on other characters with buck or eddie, i wasnt really as into it anymore - but i still loved it and wanted to enjoy it (which ironically was killed dead later on by the buddie fandom itself lmao)

and then came bucktommy and everything changed. initially i tried not to give in but within a few days i had two fics and more ideas lol they completely took over my thoughts. ive never been this inspired to write, to create, I even learned how to make gifs for them (with lots of help from amazing talented friends 🫶🤣) during fall and winter I always get so depressed and sad and having very dark and depressing thoughts (last year my buck driving fic was a result of that lol), and its so hard to find motivation to do anything, even write. but this year, even tho I had a lil crisis moment, i wrote through it and im as inspired as always - i havent stopped writing since april. they're literally the most inspiring ship ever - and fun fact, usually i prefer writing about fanon ships, so this was a huge change and surprise

I always related to buck a lot, and especially once we got his bisexuality canon - checking out and appreciating hot people of the same sex and not realizing what it means is too real lol - and Tommy is so compelling and theres so much potential for so many stories there, I wish the show would do something interesting with him 😭 despite being so confident and cool, he feels like he's holding back some sad, maybe (probably) traumatic backstory that could be so good and interesting - and lou is such a good actor and itd be amazing to see more from him in this role

they wrote tommy as the perfect love interest for buck, and it was amazing to see it on screen, it was such a breath of fresh air to see this kind of queer representation on a network show, it was so gentle and adorable, and they initially handled it with so much care, and id love to see where they'd go from there 😭 the break up broke my heart not only because it happened, but because it felt ooc and abrupt and not at all like that's where the story was going. wish they'd fix it and give us tommy back 😭🙏

and lastly but most importantly - thanks to bucktommy, i met so many amazing friends ❤️😭 even when I was writing fics and interacting with mutuals on here, i was never really talking to a lot of mutuals, not for longer than a few messages, and now i got this wonderful community that i feel so comfortable in, everyone is so nice and friendly, and I love y'all so much, this is the best fandom experience ive ever had ❤️

thank you all, ive been having so much fun since april, i love y'all. here's to more bucktommy in 2025 ❤️

[ashton-sano]

HxH: Feitan w/ a Strong! S/o Pt.1(?)

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`>When I say strong, the reader, in this case, would be as physically capable and have nen and/or abilities comparable to Feitan. I see a lot of headcanons but not many like this

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`>Getting back into the HXH fandom slowly so while I'm working on some more Food Wars! Content, have these since this gremlin has been plaguing my mind lol. If this gets enough love, ill make a part 2 so tell me what you all think :3

Warning: Murder, Stalking and Strong language

So if you a minor, beware.

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-To start, he might be a tad put off

-It's pretty rare to find someone with such prowess, especially ones that don't have less than-savory intentions

-Id assume you met on a battlefield of some kind or while he was on one of his missions with the troupe

-Just like him, you aren't exactly the upstanding citizen type and are committing crimes of some sort when you encounter

-Whether stealing the same things or killing the same people, you two have similar goals, regardless of the reason

-To be fair, he didn't think much of you when you first appeared

  "How. Troublesome...."

-An annoying obstacle, someone to dispatch quickly

-However, after a rather tedious fight and a good amount of bruises, he realized it might not be that simple

-Your moves were calculated and precise, and your battle iq no doubt honed over years of experience with nen abilities that even he found difficult to handle

-His interest was certainly piqued, as much as it can for Feitan anyway

-You’ll hand it to him; its been a while since you've seen his level of strength

-A true master of his craft, no doubt

-Regardless, that isn't why you were here

-You came to rid of a target and with your mission accomplished, there was no reason to stay, no matter how curious you were about the extent of his ability

-You were swift at your exit, swift enough that Feitan only caught your figure leaving from the corner of his eye

-Admittedly you've sparked more than enough of his interest

-something about your very being itched him in a way he couldn't describe and lingered his thoughts for moments too long

-Like it or not, your existence loomed his mind awkwardly and gave his chest a tighten

-Indescribably annoying

'Must. know. about. Her. Get rid of stupid feeling.”

-now we all know Feitan is no short of deranged and sadistic so it is no telling if he wanted to know for devious reasons or other

-Whatever the case, it led to him talking Shalnark into researching deep (and I mean very deep) into you

-Playing it off as a simple inquiry, he found you, a picture attached to your profile albeit a very blurry one

-All that he could get was your name and Age

"Y/n. Interesting. Name."

Shalnark is confused

-That's how he got here, peeping from your window as you rest

-Even with such little information, finding you was trivially easy

-Your apartment was small, compact he’d say

-Nothing compared to the places he’s layed his head: cold, dark, and filthy on a good day

-He spent the night watching you sleep, noticing every ministration, every time you got up abruptly and checked your surroundings, nearly certain something was amiss

-He didn't expect peeping on you to be so trepidatious

-That didn't stop him from stopping by every time he wasn't busy to check up and watch you

-Days became weeks and months flew by as he kept this cycle going

-It eventually got to the point that he'd follow you to and from your house

-He was searching and, surprisingly, unsure of what for

-He's never felt any particular connection to people outside of the spiders so it was usually easy to write it off as mindless curiosity

-He just wants to know why you interest him so much, and nothing more

-That's how he ended up in your house when you left for your 8 am morning run, which took you approx. 30 minutes to finish as of this week

-He was just checking your clothes because he wished to know where you frequented, perhaps he could lie in waiting as you shopped, snatching your jugular and relenting this pounding in his chest that paces just a few beats quicker

-He only checks the food you eat to see what your diet consists of, perhaps to poison you as your gaze falters from your plate, even if just for a second, permanently killing the heat that rises against his skin at the thought of you

-He doesn't care about you; he just wants to know your weaknesses to exploit, that’s all

-If that were true, then why was he in your room when you weren't? Taking in your scent as if an attached dog 

-Surely he could've killed you thousands of times over in the dead of your sleep; a slit to your throat would've ended this and yet he feels pulled to let you live 

“Just. one. More day.”

 -If it didn't matter, if you didn't matter, why did he effectively remove any potential romantic partner from your life?

-It's just to make you easier to kill; it's just to make you easier to kill, it's just to make you easier to take. No! Kill...not take...

-What was once curiosity became more of a crippling obsession.

-He had to know everything—what you were doing, who you spoke to, and what you ate in the morning

-You captivated him and even if he couldn't understand it, you had him wrapped around your finger without so much as a word 

-Ever since your mission 4 months ago, a certain feeling has lingered your consciousness and kept you on edge with no clue as to the source

-Things went missing, your associates became distant—well, more distant than you kept them—and your kills have become suspiciously easier.

-To the average person, such a prospect would strike fear and cause for trepidation

-Did you think I wasn't aware that he'd been watching me?

-All credit goes to him, spotting him was the hardest part

-He only let his presence be known through peeks of his bloodlust spilling before he vanished in the same motion, which gave away how seasoned he was

It was hard to tell if he wanted me to find him with how obvious his actions became; no, the word would be bold. His actions have gone from stealing articles from the back of my closet to lacing food when he was sure I hadn't seen him 

-Playing dumb was the easy part; actually avoiding his kidnapping attempt(s) was certainly a challenge 

-Before long, you could see the desperation in his nen

“You're getting sloppy, Stalker.”

-I suppose you've worked hard, stalker, I’ll let you win just this once

[heavenbarnes]

hi!! i’ve never done this before but id like to request a sydney adamu x femreader :) like maybe with the reader being a new sous chef at the bear or old culinary school crush or smth along those lines haha or literally any other ideas u might have!! there’s an unfortunate lack of sydney fics in general so i’ll rly take anything lol. also LOVED the one you wrote recently (im losing it lately) i have been re-reading it over and over again omfg

Already better for knowing you

Sydney Adamu x female reader

Warnings/Contains: swearing, syd is so fucking awkward, carmy is a meddling shithead, mature themes (involving fruit), beginnings of a praise kink, no actual smut (can you believe it?!)

Thank you so much for requesting this, I thoroughly enjoy writing for Syd! Also sorry that I always write her the same way (awkward-lesbian-munch) but I genuinely think that’s how she’d be. Also cannot believe you’ve read my work multiple times! I didn’t know if you wanted this to be smut so I only hinted, but lemme know if you want more. Anyways, hope you like this!

Sydney and Carmy had to have the difficult talk.

With the success of The Bear, how much it had taken off with their hard work, it was time to bite the bullet.

They needed more hands in the kitchen.

Experienced hands, they needed someone that Syd could rely on. She could give an order and that person would follow.

She needed a sous chef.

They put up the ad and, sure enough, they had a number of chefs in for the interview. They were keen, mostly young, hungry for the chance to break out into their first kitchen.

Both Syd and Carm knew you had to start somewhere but they both really needed the experience, the trust, the reliability.

Their last day of interviews rolled through and Sydney couldn’t help the feeling of helplessness creeping in her chest. Last day of interviews and still no closer to a new sous.

Were they being too picky?

As she shuffled her papers of interview questions and old CVs, she watched Carmy scratch the back of his neck as he read over the last applicant’s details.

“Well, she sounds good on paper.”

Syd couldn’t help the snort she let out, elbows on the table and head resting in her hands. “They’ve all sounded good on paper.”

Carmy shrugged his shoulders at that, but nevertheless sat down beside his chef de cuisine still reading over the paper.

“Says she’s worked in a couple restaurants, out of state- she’s only recently moved to Chicago.”

Syd listened to him speak, trying to find herself a little bit more excited at the prospects.

“Graduated from the CIA, experienced with-“

That perked her up a bit, knowing it was a long shot with the number of campus locations and students that came and went from the institute.

But there was still a small chance.

“What’s her name?” She turned to read the paper over Carmy’s shoulder as the sound of the door opening filled the space.

It all happened so quickly.

The door opened.

Carmy said your name.

You appeared before her.

Still as beautiful as the last time she saw you.

As if she could forget that day, for a few reasons. One, it was graduation, obviously she was going to remember it. Two, well, you were there.

If anyone cared enough to ask, she could tell them what you wore. The way your smile shone under the stage lights. The way you smelt as you hugged her and wished her the best.

Sometimes, when things got quiet, she’d play that moment over in her head.

Sydney thought she might’ve been dreaming when she saw you striding across the auditorium right towards her. You smiled, bright smile, hand coming up to give her a quick wave.

She’d even looked over her shoulder, trying to find out who you were even waving at. By the time she looked back towards you, you were smiling harder and giggling a little.

“Yes, that was for you.” You’d teased, making a heat grow on Syd’s cheeks.

“Yeah- yeah, I knew that.”

Your smile turned into a smirk as you nodded knowingly. “Course you did.”

Then you both stood there quietly, Sydney couldn’t really focus when you were dressed like this. Granted, it was just your chefs whites, but she couldn’t deny you wore the hell out of them.

You’d been wearing them nearly every day, and it still took her breath away every time she saw you. She didn’t even notice you were speaking until you shifted to get into her eye line.

“Sorry- what was that?”

“I said I’ll miss seeing you in the kitchen.”

Syd nodded, earnestly, face softening as she spoke. “I don’t think I’ll enjoy cooking as much without you there.”

She’d surprised herself with her confidence, actually being able to say it. She was pleased to see your smile growing. There was also a glint in your eye that she couldn’t place.

Her chest tightened up as you stepped forward, hands reaching out to pull her into a hug. She melted into you, taking a deep breath to remind herself of your sweet scent.

“Soon as you make it big,” You spoke knowingly, like it was inevitable. “I’ll come find you.”

And here you were now, standing before her in her own restaurant.

You’d found her.

Her mouth fell open as she tried to find the words she’d wanted to say to you all this time. How are you? I’ve missed you? I’ve thought about you every day since the last time I saw you?

Instead, she just stayed silent. She closed her mouth, blinking up at you with those beautiful eyes of hers.

“Syd,” Her name sounded at home in your mouth. “How long has it been?”

“Three years, eight m-months.” She’d only realised how quickly she’d answered when she saw your eyebrows raise.

Carmy shifted beside her, too. It snapped her back into reality, the reality where you were standing right before her and she was acting like a fucking dickhead.

“Well, here’s hoping I’m right on time.” You didn’t look put off, you assumed that same smirk you’d given her all those three years, eight months ago.

You were, you were always right on time. Always in the right place. Always just right.

Syd managed to pull herself together enough to stand up (for whatever reason) and gesture to the seat before her and Carmy. You graciously accepted, sitting down and placing your hands on the table.

Her eyes were immediately drawn to them, the way your fingers intertwined together, the lines coming off your palms. Sydney remembered back to the institute, the distractions she’d face watching you handle a knife or split a citrus fruit.

She couldn’t think of the latter right now.

The way your fingers would pierce the skin, pulling it apart with juices spraying up your wrists. You’d scoop out the flesh with your bare hands, not caring for the way it’d leave you sticky and dripping.

You’d look up at her, finding her watching you and not minding the way she stared. The fateful day you threw the rest of the grapefruit into the scraps, bringing two fingers to your lips to lick the excess off before you washed your hands.

Sydney was completely and utterly-

“Obsessed,” Your voice brought her back into the room, only for the second or third time in the short span of time. “Obsessed with what you’ve done with this place.”

She saw Carmy smile out the corner of her eye, his cheeks blushed a little at your words. You had that effect on most people. Sydney knew better than anyone what you could do to a person with just a few words.

“Well, we’re quite impressed with your CV,” He responded, laying it out on the table. “Aren’t we, Syd?”

By the time she looked away from him, she found you were already staring at her expectantly. She nodded, mumbling an affirmative sound to the both of them.

“Really impressed, seems like you’ve done a great job since graduation.”

You lit up, that’s the only way Sydney could describe it. It was as if your heart was swelling in your chest as your cheeks rose.

“Thank you, that means a lot,” She had assumed you were referring to the both of them until you finished. “Coming from you, Syd.”

If this was how she was at the interview, lord help her in the kitchen. There was no doubt you were getting the job, that was an absolute given. But Sydney would have to think hard about how it’d work practically.

Her sous chef. Following her every move. Responding to her every word. Reliable, obedient, willing, responsive.

Syd had seen you in action at the institute, but never following her own orders. She didn’t know if she’d be able to cope with hearing your “yes, chef” and knowing it was directed at her.

Even the way you were looking at her now, so expectant, hanging on to everything she was saying. She knew that look in your eye, on your face, you’d given yourself away just a little earlier.

“Coming from you, Syd.”

Praise. You were looking for her praise.

The thought sent Sydney into overdrive, forcing her to stand up abruptly and knock her knees into the table as she did.

Both you and Carmy looked up at her in confusion, your mouth opening to ask if everything was alright.

Syd cut you off, babbling as she walked away from the table. “I just remembered- remembered that the stove is on and- that’s the number one cause of kitchen fires- and I will be right back!”

She kept talking as she eventually made her way into the kitchen, hiding in the space right next to the oven (that hadn’t been on all morning).

Sydney knew she was fucked. Royally, totally, well and truly fucked. The crush she’d had on you at the institute had been debilitating and, whilst she’d missed you, these three years and eight months had meant she was finally able to focus.

Now here you were, in her kitchen and looking like everything she’d ever wanted.

Syd had no idea how long she stayed hiding in the kitchen but sooner or later Carmy came through with a stupid smile on his face, leaning against the bench.

“Think you handled that really well.”

“Shut the fuck up, I’m begging you.”

He laughed, laying the brown folder he’d been carrying down beside him as he crossed his arms. She looked up at him, wincing a little as she already knew what was coming.

“You gave her the job, didn’t you?”

Carmy laughed louder, looking down at the heap of Sydney on the floor. She could kick his shins right now.

“Of course I did,” He responded, pushing up from the bench as he turned to leave. “Have fun training your new sous chef.”

Fucked. Completely fucked.

[deakwithit]

being a fictive and knowing you were once delusionally attached to your source to the point of blocking kins/id/any sucks bc i still feel like the real one, even though i know im not. like wdym im not the only oswald cobblepot, why cant i be?

but osdd/did doesnt make you a fictional character, i never was nor will be oswald cobblepot really, im just a manifestation of deep rooted problems. i may look like oswald cobblepot but at the end of the day, hes just someone i resemble. i wont ever be him, and reminding myself of that is both positive and negative. sometimes it sends me into a meltdown, other times it makes me feel less trapped. i like being myself and having my own personality, i like my gender and my identities, i like my labels, i like who i am outside of my "source"

i wish i never fell into that anti recovery "this is me and me only" mindset. i wish i never fell for the concept of doubles. i wish i could go back and tell myself im not a fictional character, so id stop dissociating as much. looking in a mirror became difficult because i didnt look like me.

i wish i could go back and not be this slightly delusionally attached person who clings onto their source, but it feels like all i have sometimes.

i represent our bpd, our anxiety, im supposed to help us, but ive only hindered. my host days are over and i know they wont come back. im content with that. i fronted for a year, only going in small intervals, only getting to leave fully maybe a couple times. this was supposed to be a break for me but all i feel is bitter hatred towards my headmates for taking my life away from me. i wont get to experience everyday again, i will just pop in sometimes to have a conversation, nothing else.

nothing about this is fun, this is cruel, demeaning, embarrassing, humiliating, and not once in 2 years has there been a day i havent suffered because of this stupid disorder

why do other systems get to go through life without amnesia, with low dissociation, knowing their parts and their intracacies, knowing their member counts, etc, while i cant remember wether i worked yesterday or not. i go to work and dont know what im doing or where im going half the time. i have to cook, as a fast food worker, and i make too much food and i wonder when i even started moving to make it. i dont feel myself, i dont feel like im there, i feel like im floating. all i can do is think, im trapped in my own head watching myself move and its agonizing, i dont know what i couldve done as a child to deserve such abhorrent symptoms. this is ruining my life. i cant remember spending time with my bf. i can hardly remember details of my own life. i still write my deadname on things knowing ive been out for years as dante. i cant remember anything and it is pure suffering to wake up everyday

[hanasnx]

heyyy do you have any advice on how to write smut cause its sooo difficult for me *cries in virgin*

ur like one of my fav smutty writers and idk if you have any tips 😭

first off thank u very much i appreciate that :)

this isnt the first time ive been asked for writing tips so im gonna give a lot of info. youre bound to find something useful in this mess

im so sorry but one of my solutions to giving myself confidence in smut-writing was to literally fuck and fuck a lot

after losing my virginity it still wasnt enough experience tbh. so i gave myself room to explore my sexuality and was privileged enough to do it with a partner that encouraged that growth. that experience of fucking sure didnt hinder my smut-writing ability if you know what i mean ;0 but everything else about writing i learned from years of practice. ive been writing since i was in elementary school like id come home from fourth grade and read and write on quotev klsdjfsfj smut writing skills came later post puberty

when i tried writing smut as a virgin i genuinely couldn’t get past the build up. i was fantastic at writing the build up, it was the actual sex part that was hard bcos even tho i had done enough research (i read a lot of porn) it didn’t instill me with enough confidence that i could write it correctly, and so i never did. however! i sure wish i’d committed to it more, so let me see if i can write out some tips that would’ve helped me in the past

(this is just how i write smut, im by no means an expert)

my timeline

the way i write smut is pretty formulaic so i’ll break it down:

hook line ⟹ settings ⟹ build-up ⟹ foreplay ⟹ sex ⟹ ending

☥ hook line. maybe: a dialogue piece to kickstart; an ambiguous line that reels you in; an exciting action. i dont like starting my story with the name/pronouns of a character doing something boring. i.e. “you were getting ready for the day…” idk it’s not the worst thing in the world and we've all done it but just writing out what i try to avoid.

☥ build up is key to me. i have such a hard time reading and writing porn with no plot. i’ll do it sometimes if i like the writer enough, but i rarely write smut without the build up bcos i feel like that’s where the juice is. its whats fun and what you get to play around with bcos the actual sex part of the fic is pretty predictable.

focus on what’s said and unsaid in dialogue between characters. focus on the emotion each of them are feeling and how that emotion manifests into body language.

⟹ dirty talk is not for everyone, but god i love it. literally get nasty with it, this is your writing and we’re all just readin it. build anticipation using dirty talk, make filthy promises, make threats. make your characters talk about the nasty shit they wanna do to each other.

imagine someone you really wanna fuck, imagine the things youd do to them if you had the chance,,, write it into your characters.

☥ foreplay. goes hand in hand with dirty talk, its where the touching starts. decide how you want to play it. who gets oral, who gets fingered. both? one of them? neither and they just go straight to fucking?? i like foreplay, but if youre writing a “quickie” scenario then it may not be in the cards.

lets say it is in the cards tho. so some things to remember:

⟹ foreplay gets the dicks hard. when dicks get hard they leak pre-cum. balls have like no cushion and theyre soft and have little sacks in em that move around. the skin of this genital is often described as velvety bcos its soft. ive honestly never had sex with an uncircumcised penis so i have no idea if there’s a difference between how they feel.

foreplay makes the pussies loose and wet. the inside can be lumpy. it can be ridged or smooth. it can be all kinds of flesh colors like brown and pink.

without the foreplay (which can be verbal communication, or touching of the body or genitals) its a little painful for afabs bcos theyre too tight or too dry. and a flaccid dick is a little unpredictable to try to fit in.

⟹ afabs can have multiple orgasms, amabs are less lucky. afabs can cum and squirt multiple times, amabs can cum multiple times.

⟹ genitals get really sensitive after cumming though. so if you write someone finishing, write out how they might need some time before they finish again or start fucking, or that they get overstimulated getting touched still after they came and that sensitivity is a little uncomfortable.

⟹ the head of the penis is the most sensitive and that’s what makes it cum/orgasm. clits on pussies are the most sensitive and its what makes cum/orgasms happen. its very difficult if not impossible to achieve orgasm (if youve got a pussy) through penetration alone without clit stimulation

⟹ you can cum/squirt and not have an orgasm

☥ sex

⟹ changing positions can change angles and hit new pleasurable spots inside pussies.

⟹ probably write a couple different positions during the sex part, just to keep things fresh.

⟹ sprinkle in dirty talk to prolong the sex scene and to avoid sounding repetitive because if youre writing p in v it’s pretty standard to thrust over and over again until youre done. its a lot less glamorous when you spell it out like that, so you gotta add shit to make the sex scene more enjoyable to the reader whos not actively experience the sex.

☥ ending. i usually end the one shot after the fucking is done.

the smut tips

☥ think back to a time you were really turned on. from a show, from a book, something someone said to you, your own sex life, porn you really liked,,, take inspiration from it. use it and channel that own arousal within you.

if youve got a dirty fantasy and it gets you so hot and bothered thinking about it, write that.

if youve got a partner that fucks you crazy good and supplies you with inspo for dialogue or for settings or for scenarios, write that too. theres been a whole bunch on my blog that was inspired by my boyfriend. not everything, but enough to mention it.

also! another thing that people underestimate is the inspiration you take from other blogs. like mine for example, if you like my stuff take inspo from it. study my writing style and you’ll see all kinds of little tips in subtext id never be able to list for you. i do that with other blogs, i dont copy them but i definitely learn little things i like from them and incorporate it into my writing for a more cohesive story. if i take an idea though i ask for their permission & credit them.

☥ the most important tip i can give you is be as self indulgent as possible. youre wasting time worrying about other people. “will they like this? will people think im weird? what if they think im weird for writing this?” fuck that noise. warn accordingly, and go ham. your self indulgence is your best friend. it’ll guide you through all those dirty things you want to say or do to someone, let it take root and write what excites you. chances are you will find your people, and your fic will be set apart bcos it’s so specific to you that people will be drawn to that. and if theyre not? it ends up not being popular? it doesnt matter! because you had fun writing it right? fuck yea u did

☥ the types of words you use are so important. words that invoke a certain emotion or sexy feeling. its difficult to explain but i try my hardest to use “beautiful language” paired with dirty, disgusting, cacophonous language. marry them together so you can convey whether youre “love-making” or “fucking”. i dont like words that dont look or sound good in my head. like when you paint, you probably use colors you like looking at to create the entire picture on the canvas that’s beautiful. so pick out paints that are pleasing to the eyes. the bold ones and the soft ones.

examples of words i dont use cos i hate the way they sound and the way they look: “vagina” and “penis” LMAO

even “butt” isnt a word i like to use. i’ll almost always use “ass” or “backside”

⟹ the smut writer’s dictionary

☥ i keep comedy out of it for the most part, ive never really seem humor added positively into a smut that added to the experience. its usually physical humor stuff like the characters bumping heads or stubbing their toe or something its just cringy to me idk. if i add comedy (i am not good at writing comedy)i put it before the smut. and if you must have some sort of lightheartedness id keep it casual, light, and personal. like an inside joke or something tongue in cheek. you dont have to hide your deepest desires behind humor , you can be serious

☥ your pain tolerance is heightened so run with that. get spanked its fun

more important tips i love and stand by:

☥ call backs are important to me. it’s like if you have something in the future of your fic to be used, try to incorporate it in some small way in your establishing settings or build up. but it’s not as important to others as it is to me. an example would be in my one shot “talk huttese to me”, at the end anakin fucks reader on the tool table. at the very beginning of the fic, when i had reader taking in the surroundings of the “garage bay”, she scanned the drawer stack where she set his broth she brought him, and the tool table he’d later fuck her on. its kinda like,,, foreshadowing (i think?). you’re setting up your reader to be like “?? i wonder why the author thought it would be important to mention the tool table.. wonder if anakin fucks her on it later.” but even if your readers dont react that way, i still think it ties things together nicely

☥ try to write 15-20 mins uninterrupted. create a ritual. i use the bathroom, refill my water, grab a fun drink like sweet tea, put on a silent youtube video (like my ahsoka star wars lofi live i love so much), listen to a playlist of music (preferably music you havent heard before so it can fade into the background. maybe even cultivate a playlist for the vibe youre going for in your story, aids greatly in creating an atmosphere in your writing if youre translating the music in your ears), and turn your phones notifications off (ofc i leave on notifs for calls in case of emergencies, but i can answer my friends’ texts after my writing session). set a timer so you dont have to keep checking the time.

☥ don’t stop in the middle of your storytelling to check the thesaurus or dictionary. write out whatever word/phrase first came to mind and highlight it to come back to later to alter or replace it completely. you’re interrupted your creative flow and its difficult to come back to it when youre checking the thesaurus every five seconds. this hack was crucial to my ability to stay on task i promise you

☥ avoid sounding repetitive by using the same words close together. you’ll create a fuller story by adding to your vocabulary using the thesaurus.

☥ avoid listing actions, break them up with adverbs at the start of your sentences if you must, or description of things or the place your character is in, or explain the emotion your character is feeling or what that emotion is causing within your character. starting sentences over and over again with the character’s name or pronoun breaks up the flow for the reader.

☥ really try to finish your works in progress even if you think its bad, the challenge of it will help you practice and learn to overcome your own mind trying to hold you back

☥ if you dont like the direction your fic is going,,, and youre experiencing writer’s block:: cross out the most recent bit and take it in a new direction. “oh but indy!! i really have a certain goal in mind!!” great, find another way to get to it because youre blocking yourself from finishing this forcing yourself into a non entertaining corner. switch it up! challenge yourself. “but indy!! i really liked what i had for this scene!!” yea but youre blocked right? youre not writing anything else for this scene and you cant, right? if you like what you have for this scene (an action, a dialogue piece youre proud of, a plot twist) save it! use it for a different piece !

hope this helps you and others!

[t3tr0m1n0]

i think you should write something hhvcm related maybe about merlin :>

it's below the cut!

The campus is quiet, even for a Saturday. Out in beautiful sunny weather, Merlin feels most happy about being unable to spot another soul in the gardens– means none of them can spot hir. Not that they'd look any different from usual, nose in a book, head in the clouds, pensive, blank-faced. But it's the thought that counts.

They force their pencil into motion. "Dear Alder," it reads out loud, then immediately adds a "Draft #1" in the margins next to what it just wrote. "Is your name pronounced Alder-" with a long a- "or Alder?" with a short a. "I've made this mistake in the past and don't want to repeat it."

Draft #2: "How is your first name pronounced? I know we only know each other over the Internet, but I ^still don't want to be getting it wrong." Ey lean back against the bench when it seems eir inspiration has (abruptly) run out, before taking hold of the pencil again just as fast and adding a Draft #3: "Alder, it's occurred to me I could be confused on how to pronounce your name. Would you mind spelling it out for me?" They pause with satisfaction now. As if they're actually going to use that one.

Its notebook hosts yet more thoughts pertaining to internet friendship as it wanders the great outdoors. "Dear Nick, I saw someone sleeping in the park today and thought of you. Obnoxious thing to say, yeah? I bet we both wish I had a picture of a rubber duck to share, don't we?" As if, as if. "What do you say to someone you've never met whom you don't have an interest in common with? Well, as far as you know, anyway. 'How's the weather? Any fog? Any Fog? It's not like I know where you live.' Really, maybe I should just wait to be reached out to first." That gives them pause. And a little aching feeling deep in xyr chest. "Nevermind. I think I'm far too lonely for it. Still, I can't help imagining a shortcut– something that impossibly comes to us, one by one? At the same time? Uncoordinated by any means? And it brings us together. You know, a I can dream."

Merlin strolls home turning over odd thoughts about who's out there to be proud of it for getting so much sunshine and fresh air. "It was nice out there. I suppose if I had a camera I could tape some photos in here." It's a deeply entertaining thought for a little while. Then they log online.

The forum is slow enough. They catch themself before they forget to send Alder's e-mail, accompanied by the thought that hir words look so much smaller on the screen as compared to the notebooks. This & the next day are spent listening to a lot of mashups.

The day after, ey decide to try the forum before anywhere else, not eir inbox nor the Wikipedia page for "Plunderphonics." It's just a post on the off-topic page, sure, but it could be something.

Fufuthewolf started a thread: Hey all! Knew some people here were into general cryptid/paranormal stuff so I thought I'd bring it up. Anyone else think the recent power plant meltdown that happened in southern Washington might be like... supernatural? I saw some stories about really abnormal, unnatural stuff going on in the area (edit: links down below, sorry!). Mods, feel free to delete if this is too off-topic.

The first thing to run through Merlin's head is, how is this the first I'm hearing about this?

MarkieWasHere: Now I'm no nuclear physicist, but after an entire plant experiences meltdown, wouldn't you expect some weird side effects to show up? ^spr1nk: like mutations. anybody here play fallout? ^^Pag_Person: *raises hand* ooh, me! i do! *squees at finding another fallout fan* ^^MarkieWasHere: Mutation, that's the word I was looking for! Though I'll admit The Simpsons was what I had mainly in mind, lol yeahwhatcouldthatbe: I'm not the tyof person who believes anything have supernatural explanations, but Id be interested in hearing more of what you mea Spawkins: mod here! trust me, you don't have to remind us about doing our job. TrulyTule79: Does anyone else feel it's kind of... too soon to be discussing such an event like this? A lot of people died, I can't say it sits right with me. Even though I know most of us know how to be respectful towards others lives. Just my 2 cents. merlinenilrem: i don't know, there doesn't seem to be any decent way to tell what's going on yet. this is so recent that there aren't a very good amount of stories in general. to me it looks like we're just going to have to wait if we want to know anything for sure.

That's a place to start. What a thing to wake up to– now what was Nick's digital address again?

[dabisbratz]

god i don’t even know what to say, so mgonna start off with a short n sweet thank you. thank you!! so so so much for 3k!!

i really wish there was somethin more i could say or do t’show how much i love n appreciate every single one of you. if i could gift you all your own lil personalized gifts i would!! all three thousand of you!! n with so much love n care!! when i first started off on tumblr i never expected t’get much traction— i wasn’t very confident in my ability to write (let alone write smut)— n imaginin all of you in one room, jus sittin there n watchin me write… i don’t even know what id do!! it warms m’heart to know that many people like what i put out, n i’m eternally grateful for all the love n support you’ve all given me!! feels like i’ve built the sweetest community ever, not a single bad egg!!

i love talkin to all of you. on anon, off anon, in comments or tags!! thank you for takin time out of your days t’interact with me. thank you for sendin your thoughts n experiences n troubles n jokes !! thank you for readin my fics, thank you for takin the time out your day to follow lil ol me. n thank you for bein patient with me. you’re all so special n precious, if not to yourself than to me. thank you.

thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! thank you a million times n then some, you don’t know how much ymean to me !! ♡ ♡

[carmenized-onions]

these are my thoughts

-the amish story?? we're starting with the amish story???? so you want me to bawl my fuckin eyes out, is that? i hate you onion.

-its been 0ERR minutes. damn right. feel the burn carmen berzatto, feel it!!!

-i actually had to switch tabs and play the countries of the world quiz cuz ohhhh my god carmy talking to chef david is never an easy pill to swallow

-mikey called me? i have been officially adopted into the family? im all warm inside. but as a middle child, i am offended. deeply. we also care for people and have to like keep the peace! also ouch, id feel so guilty as a baby getting the big bro attention when the big bro's actually baby is being left on read.

-oh shit oh shit we're back ahhhhhhhh please chef david/carmy needs multiple warnings. also so real so real so real receiving praise from someone who always criticized you is not as sweet as you thought it would be. actually somewhat repulsive.

-i mean,,,, great introspection there carm, but maybe like 0ERR minutes too late buddy

-"The only fuckin’ good thing in my life" ....okay maybe i change my vote and i support tony folding. im folding.

-“Hey asshole—” Richie stops, when he sees David. “Ah. You’re needed, Chef Carmen.” dont back down richie dont back down call him out in front of the stupid exec he put over everyone else. also did you notice in season three no one said 'cousin' once? not onceeeeee. carm deserved it, but damn did it hurt. please heal me onion

-“Want your coffee?” He corrects, like stroking your ego will make you fold. It does. ehehehehehe yeah yeah ill do itt

-fuck me this is dark.

-“Cousin get my fucking bag, now!” she called him cousin.

-ummmm can this be an x richie jerimovich now actually?

-carmen is definitely the joke. i know im tony, but id be on my hands knees for her too.

-onion. “And no one wants you to acknowledge that you’re the guy— Like you can take the compliment, but you can never say ‘I know, I’m doing it on purpose.’” how have you managed to capture the human experience of being the dependable people pleaser into words and such good words????? i could only wish to be as good at writing as you are. profession well chosen.

-'You laugh, and it quickly turns into a groan as you try to come up with something. “I uh… Oh! I fuckin’ hate the nickname ‘Jack’, that’s something.” “Oh?” He leans forward, teasingly intrigued— You’ve thrown him a bone, because you’re the guy, too. He’s able to focus on this in lieu of himself.' ahahahah i knew this was coming, if she liked jack it would've stayed jack but noooo its chip! i been waiting for this one, turn it up! also yes so 'the guy' of her, turning the convo to you only to help out the other guy cuz the guy never wants to be the center of attention unless its actively helping someone out ugh i love you onion

-i think im gonna try to minimize the comments, its like ive got one after every sentence, jeez cool it dude.

-sydmikey crossover kind of , wow. its hitting me. i wonder what they wouldve been like together.

-'and neither of you know this is a lie, yet.' actually fuck you onion.

-shit forgot the richie carmy fight was happening right out the window???????????????????????????

-lol. bear in the freezer 1.0

-you're making me miss mikey even tho im reading mikey but damn i miss my bestie and he should be enjoying the bear with us rn (even tho the bear is shit rn 0ERR but like if it wasnt)

-“If that’s what getting a star takes, I don’t want it.” oh fuck. us squidink truthers out here winning.

-'Richie’s a good dad. You will never find a good time to tell him this.' i know what you're referencing and i despise you for it. tony will tell him.

-'“Yeah, well you need to read Mark Wolynn’s ‘It Didn’t Start With You.’” Richie’s got lists of books now, instead of zingers. They somehow hit harder.' they hit very hard my man, very hard. #teamfuckeveryonebutrichie

read the rest so quick that i felt like i lived it. i hate you. you write so well. my best friend died dude ,you gave me a best friend who knew me and saw me and you killed him???

those are my thoughts. ive been reading this on an off since 10am, it is now almost 5pm. i was meant to be studying. truly the best form of procrastination is reading your work. i hope my review, tho lacking, it welcomed.

-jude the dude <3

So fun fact before we get into this, I am currently at my parents house packing all of my shit because I move into my apartment next thursday!! Thank y’all for being patient w/ me. I would fucking love to get the next chapter out tommorow (and answer all my asks) but we’ll see. I really need to prioritize packing but I,,,,, don’t want to. 

So now as my form of break I’m answering asks between boxes LMAO. SO ANYWAYS LETS FUCKING YAP FOR A WHILE!!~

(also please continue to send in essays, I've got quite the backlog if you're worried I didn't get it!! I probably maybe did!! Just busy fucking couple weeks)

I was so excited to do “what are you amish” as an opener, the doc was literally named ‘amish’ in google docs. I knew it was gonna shoot everyone dead on impact. Speaking of doc names, you ever wonder what the docs of these chapters are named?

(mushy potato is still chapter 13 I just had edited it a lot and made a new guy) I’m a little unhinged. 

Anyways FEEL THAT BURN CARMY BABY!! This was such a distressing chapter. I think it only adds to the stress to have those really sweet (mostly) moments with Mikey and then go into actually on the fucking brink with Carmen. 

I APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY MIDDLE SIBLINGS!! I think we babies and middle kids should team up tbh to beat Older Sibling’s ass. Middle/Babies are 100% also taking weight on our shoulders and I feel like this is never appreciated, so I wanted to have Tony be a baby, cause it goes against that type of a Baby Sib never being the dependable one. 

I love my middle brother dearly though. I think I see trio siblings fall into the categories of

Oldest - On a hierarchy level, emotionally responsible for everyone. 

Middle - Often financially/emotionally responsible, keeps family connected.

Baby - On a personal level responsible for emotions! One-on-One dynamics, yknow?

At least, that’s where my family and coincidentally the Berzattos seem to fall. I have to stop yapping about this let’s MOVE ONNN

SOOO REAL to get praise and not feel good. It’s so wild. It’s such a wild experience to get the praise you always wanted from someone and then realize immediately oh what the fuck i don’t give a fuck what you think and quite frankly i should’ve never been trying to impress you?? It’s such a weird human experience. Can a psychology major explain this to me. 

0ERR MINUTES TOO LATE LMAOOOO— But yeah, from what I noticed, some seemed to fold after seeing how fucked the rest of Carmen’s Friday went. I feel like it also completely changes the feeling of Something to Do. Should I do a poll again? Actually no I wanna do a different poll hold on…

RICHIE! NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT? NEVER GIVE UP!!! I did notice the lack of cousin in S3, which completely made sense and hurt deeply, however I live in a world where I wanted everyone to at least a little bit understand each other. 

-ummmm can this be an x richie jerimovich now actually?

This is the poll I wanna do. Because I’ve seen a lot of RiChip or SquidInk truthers coming to the light. What the fuck would Mikey’s ship name be actually? Mikchip? McRib. What? 

You had me blusshinn with quoting the guy scene!! Thank you for saying so. I was fucking tweaking like ‘is anyone going to understand what the fuck i mean when i’m saying this or do i just need to go to therapy’. Turns out we all do. So. That’s good. THANK YOU!! I 

WAITTIN FOR THIS ONE!! CHIP ORIGINS!! I was considering having the Chip origin be another scene that would essentially be ‘off screen’ but it just felt so apt to do here. I actually had an entire other conversation planned for Mikey/Chip to have here but it just didn’t suit them. I’m so glad I went with this. And aufgh, my heart… It was always so fucking sad for me while writing this and switching back and forth between scenes and being like “GOD I DON’T WANNA GO BACK TO CARMEN/MIKEY ERA” they were both very difficult to write for different reasons. But going back to Carmen was always tough cause it was like oh yeah. Mikey’s dead by this one. And he’s not suddenly gonna come out and give someone a painful back massage. This SUCKS!!

I cooked with neither of you know this is a lie, yet. Everyone knows I caramelized the shit out of that one. 

More people need to fight in front of the restaurant. I want those bitches on STAGE. It’s so much more fun when it’s public and weird. 

Now are we a squidink truther or richip gang affiliate we have to choose one jude or are we doing a polycule because i dont know if that’s possible

LISTEN BE HONEST WHEN IS THERE A NORMAL TIME TO GO UP TO YOUR FRIEND AND BE LIKE “hey i think you’re a great father” WHAT? WHAT? I’D start fucking tweaking (crying in public), personally.

All the book reccs were brought to you by my family doctor prescribing them to me. I literally have them on a sticky note next to me. Shout out Dr V! Love you baby!! #teamfuckeveryonebutrichieanddrV

The last scene was very much so my full deep dive into time distorted grief poetry, which I fucking loved doing so thank you to everyone who enjoyed it (you!!). Bro, getting to the end was so hard because I also fell in love with best friend Mikey writing it and I was like man,,,, does he have to die though,,, can we like,,, make him into a marvel superhero or something and pivot genres?? I hate this,,, So listen Mr Storer killed him I just poured a fuck ton of salt in the wound. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW, ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO SEND IN MORE THOUGHTS I LOVE TO GET THEM IT’S NEVER LACKING!!! Back to packing I go. I think I’ll tackle the desk next? Wish me luck brothers.

[thedomesticanthropologist]

Hey Anthie, this question is kind of weird/complicated but I'll try my best to ask. It has to do with recovering from your past habits but I think it could also relate to general stress and handling difficult emotions and experiences (which would include addiction of course but sometimes like... just life too, I guess?)

Anyway, I wanted to hear how fiction helped you or currently helps you? For example I've seen people say that writing "helps" them but when I'm struggling I don't inspired to write, I feel terribly drained, and I'm also a perfectionist. I find it hard to relate to people who transform their pain into art. And I don't have any close friends in the same fandoms like I did when I was a teen so I don't have that sense of community where people encourage me to work on writing and I encourage them to work on their art/writing/etc.

I'm also not sure if it's good to entertain myself even though that might sound weird? Like I'll read, because... it's a thing I can do. And yeah, I enjoy it and have them. But I don't know if it's really aiding in "fixing" myself, and sometimes when I'm reading something, I start worrying that I'm wasting my time somehow? (I made reading more one of my goals for this year, because I went for literal years without reading for enjoyment, and thought my adult ADHD was going to make it impossible for me to ever read again, but now that I'm actually doing it, I don't know how much of an accomplishment it actually is)

Just wanted to hear if any of this ever felt relatable to you, and how you overcame it if so? Thank you and hope you continue to do great with everything, I wish you the best!

This took me a while to get to! thank you for your patience. I tried to narrow your questions down a bit so I hope this is around and about what you were wanting. Under the cut cause its long

How does fiction help with recovering from past habits, handling stress, and difficult emotions and experiences?

Fiction is a way to express yourself without making it about you specifically. You can create situations and put characters through The Horrors, or The Softness, and many writers find catharsis in the act. It can also help your brain process things, and be an outlet for all the feelings and thoughts inside. For me personally, I use fiction to explore thoughts, feelings, ideas, as well as to project or express parts of myself- Im also attracted to writing about things and people I DONT relate to, as a way of learning about them, exploring them, etc. Writing an addict as an addict can be a neat way to look at my issues through a new set of eyes, even if the addict character isn't anything like me, doesn't act the same or process the same, etc.

Can engaging in creative activities like writing be helpful, even if it doesn't feel inspiring during tough times?

Science has proven that writing down your thoughts helps your brain process them, just simply the act of translating from mind to page has benefits. Having it make sense is not as important as just simply... getting it out. Entertaining YOURSELF should always be the first priority in creating art and writing, because if we do it for others, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment

Is it okay to entertain oneself with activities like reading during difficult times, even if it feels like it might be wasting time?

Doing things for yourself is always okay. It is never a waste of time to take care of yourself. Some people say things like "you don't always have to be productive in order to have your activities be valid" but Id go so far as to say that engaging in reading, writing, drawing, and other "self-indulgent" experiences IS being productive. its being productive for YOU. You arent something that needs to be fixed, you are someone that needs to be accepted. Recovering from self shame starts with being willing to look at yourself not as a problem, but as a person. And the things that make you feel good, regardless of whose watching or who OUTSIDE yourself benefits are worthy persuits

How can one overcome feelings of isolation and lack of community when engaging in creative pursuits?

So I kind of segued into this a little, and I just want to expand a bit. I looked this up and its pretty close to what I wanted to say so Ill share

"Focusing on your own fulfillment and growth in your creative pursuits can be empowering. Prioritize your passion and intrinsic motivation rather than seeking external validation or connection. Set meaningful goals, establish a regular routine, and celebrate your progress along the way. Embrace your creativity as a form of self-expression and personal fulfillment, nurturing your artistic voice and finding joy in the process."

This may be like, hey! I said I wanted community! but honestly, seeking out community and connection can *scare us away from trying* sometimes. Theres all these rules we put on ourselves about not being good enough, or not having friends who have the same interests, not being noticed or validated when we display our work, not having people to talk about. All of that is absolutely valid but it really gets in the way of the creative process and who we are really doing it for (us)

Community tends to appear when you start to share. Considering it a bonus instead of the focus is just a shift in perspective rather than a shift in action. Finding online communities that are related to the work you are producing and sharing what you have is great! starting conversations and new connections is great! but seeking external validation means that you can get absolutely destroyed if you share something you're proud of and no one really notices it. Its so much better to enjoy what you've created, and just put it out there with the thought that if its noticed great! but the best thing was that it was something you enjoyed making.

[fictionfixations]

twst halloween

so ive been reading the events for twst all day. (like the dialogue for the stories)

SO. okay so i need to talk about halloween for a second--

so of course, spoilers for the event

deep breaths (i had started writing while reading. then i got very frustrated and it went on from there. haha. it gets long.)

---------------------------------

unique magic Tag. something like that

Where they can mark something, and it'll have a specific tag unique to that person (it'll stay in their memory until the tag is removed or fades away, in which the memory will fade normally instead of never). They could also tag items to that person (as in it'll have that person's unique signature that ties them together).

….honestly ive been like reading the twst halloween stuff. ( SPOILERS ) and for pomefiore they're in like the mirror hall and these mfs kept taking pictures INSIDE when its NOT ALLOWED (…bruh now people know what it looks like inside! what if theres like a flaw thats been caught on camera that'd help future criminal doers do something there!?)

anyway. so i was thinking of confiscating like phones. but so it doesnt get lost, or given to the wrong person.

this random pomefiore student being able to tag people with skin contact (example: passing the phone along, light touch on, say, the hand and the phone, and thus tagging and attaching them together through a line only they can see)

and it'd also help if say that same person did something malicious like 'hey, that's not your phone!' or 'i know that person!'

sorry im just kind of really ticked off at them. and all the other magicam monsters i swear--

im angry ranting now

oKAY for one that guy who was climbing the apple tree. you realize that if you do that people are just gonna want to do that to for the views so they'll climb it evne if they have no experience in it and will probably injure themselves or worse!?

ALSO THE FLOWERS. SCREAMS in heartslabyul OH MY GOD (i think id actually get so frustrated too though like bruh. idfk. WHAT IF THEYRE POISONOUS? i mean they probably wouldnt be out in the open but like. HELLO? YOU DONT KNOW THESE PLANTS. [they're for like potions] WTF ARE YOU DOING. THEY COULD BE HOME TO A VICIOUS SPECIES FOR ALL YOU KNOW YOU IDIOT)

pictures are horrendous. savanaclaw… 1. Why the fuck did someone make up some bs rumor that putting like treasure on your head (its fake tho) would like grant you a wish? WHY? WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM THAT!?? HELLO???? also oh my god as a person who hates everything about being in pictures (i have to be tricked to get my picture taken ugh) THAT WAS HORRIBLE TO READ. im reading on the wiki by the way because i want the context. also oh my god (im sorry im saying that a lot.) as a person who was absolutely repulsed by touch for awhile (and still kind of squeamish about it but dont have the courage to shove ppl off half the time) i think id die inside. like. okay so they're like touching his ears and his tail (i only remember the ear but i was so pissed off i dont know if i imagined the tail bit or not) and kinda his everything right? WHY? thats. like. such an invasion of privacy. like. HELLO??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING. pleASE stop???? also oh my god WHYH ARE YOU MAKING A MESS OF IT WHAT tHE HECK (they should have like those ropes that signify 'you're not allowed past this part' to make it clear HEY youre not allowed to touch that. but also some people will ignore it and they could get overrun FAST. ughhh)

octavinelle

i wish i could say that people have the courtesy to be careful not to do anything to harm others but i cant really no words. just. oh my god. be CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING . there are important sUBSTANCES HERE THAT ARE VERY FRAGILE. (they should've been made to pay for it ughhh. teach them.)

scarabia. honestly ive read a fic that went over this before. and honestly its very funny. so like yuu's just going to sam's shop where they are the teachers are nearby (stunned) and jamils just like 'I'LL BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND' and its HILARIOUS. also bugs. shudder. i dont even know how youd get people to stop wasting the food tho. man. bruh.

(also where are there self preservation skills oh my god)

ignihyde. oh my god THEYVE DONE THE WORST CRIME OF THEM ALL. THE DESTRUCTION OF BOOKS. okay im being overdramatic but WHAT THE FUCK if anyone did that to my books id honestly be so done.

well anything else could be salvaged sort of (with the exception of the destruction of the plants, the destruction of one of the things in the lab, and this) but. this. destruction of property???????? FOR ALL YOU KNOW THAT COULD'VE BEEN SOME SUPER RARE VERY LIMITED BOOK WITH ONLY. LIKE. 10 COPIES MADE. OR LIKE. ITS ENTIRELY HANDWRITTEN BY SOME FAMOUS PERSON WHO DIED A LONG TIME AGO AND THIS IS ALL WE HAVE LEFT AND YOU DESTROY IT!

AGHHH. im so aggravated. (as a person who ADORES books. im so irritated. i mean dont get me wrong they arent that important to me. but the library is my favorite part in a school! i love reading! its practically sacred!) "Jail. Jail for one thousand years! Some of us LIKE being alone, y'know? Please, for the love of everything, just let us live our gremlin lives!" YES. (honestly. out of all the dorms. if not savanaclaw, then id probably be in ignihyde. like yes hide me away forever so i can play games and not have to interact with people)

"Y'know, for Malleus Draconia! The guy so zetta powerful that everybody trembles at his name! Getting a picture of yourself touching him is a legendary feat."

SCREAMS INTO PILLOW

WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE BRNEAKING AND ENTERING WHY OD YOU IGNORE A SIGN

im so rrry im yttypingoifnhgfh there comes a point where im so frustrated i cant typer ight. heavy sigh

WHY WOULD YOU IGNORE A SIGN. THAT CLEARLY GIVES YOU A WARNING?! YOURE LITERALLY BREAKING AND ENTERING. THERE IS A REASON THAT SIGN IS THERE. WHY WOULD YOU JUST SHRUG IT OFF BASED ON APPEARANCES???! HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER? I SWEAR. AGHH thats. such. a major. violation. i cant… AGHH

i wonder if a sort of barrier spell to prevent people from moving past (aka into the dorm) would be possible. but that might be a huge drain and whose to say they couldnt idfk take pictures through the windows? ew stalkery behavior, and not any better.

AND NOTHING CAN BE DONE BECAUSE YOU KNOW WAHT THE HEADLINES ARE GONNA SAY?

'NRC student attacks tourist!'. IT WONT EVEN MENTION ANY WRONGDOINGD THE TOURIST HAD DONE AND ITLL SPREAD FROM THERE AND AGHHHHHHH

THE STATUES? WHAT THE FUCK!? that. i. AGH (people are so dumb. why. would you. post a picture OF YOU COMMITTING A CRIME!?)

!!!! POP OFF (edit: this is like heartslabyul going against the magicam monsters. id probably adore octavinelle's if i hadn't already been spoiled about it lol)

----------------------

kind of off topic. but yknow what? i kind of feel like im really living up to my riddle pfp lmFAO

(i wrote it all down on discord. i probably could've just started it on a tumblr post instead but it didnt even occur to me)

[petewentzisblack1312]

hi i wanted to ask something but also share something personal as well. my q is: do you feel like your relationship w social media has changed? meaning, do you catch / notice when you are on it for too long and you start to notice, and then you say: okay let's take a break. for me, i have been online for a long time ever since i was a kid, and now my relationship to it is i only limit myself an hour to being on my phone. as an adult now i am no longer social media "obsessed". like, when i am in school i am not thinking about online, i am present when im at school. i feel like i am really close to just deleting sm tbh. it does not grant me happiness like it used to. now as an adult i feel this need to live my life freely.

i also wanted to ask what are ur thoughts on content influencers? to me when i see these ppl i think...i could never post about everything about my life, but then again understanding that it is just a highlight reel. no one is posting every sad / frustrating thing that happens in their life as influencer, only the "great" parts.

this is an interesting question! i think ive never really had a relationship to social media where i feel like i need to post constantly or felt pressured to share everything. while im definitely the most online out of my household, compared to a lot of other people im not really very present online. i dont like using twitter, i only really use instagram to look at and post art and occasionally post a picture of my cat or nature or food on my main account, i dont really get up to much and i never use facebook unless i have to. i hate it. even here on tumblr i dont post a lot about my personal life unprompted, and this is the social media site i use the most by far. i do scroll tumblr a lot, i do watch a lot of youtube videos (though almost exclusively video essays on politics and recently also artist vlogs) and i do notice myself scrolling a bit too much, particularly when im overstimulated but instead of doing something less stimulating im anxious and looking for a distraction so i like. scroll harder. but ive never been like doing something else and thought 'man, i wish i was scrolling right now'. i dont really know. i do have trouble putting my phone down, like when i need to sleep, but i have trouble putting ANYTHING down. games, books, art or writing or projects im working on, music im listening to, i dont think tumblr is special, its just another activity for me to be distracted by.

all that being said, i did leave social media for a while. i had a really bad experience in a fandom on tumblr (not the pwams incident. that led me to step away from bandom and move to another fandom) and honestly it made me realise that the problem i had with social media wasnt that i was using it too much, but that i had a toxic relationship with the communities i was interacting with on there. the nature of my relationship to social media was unhealthy, not the fact that i had one that was a large part of my life. i think when i wasnt using any social media i actually wasnt in a great place either, because i was isolated from people id cared about, especially since i had just undergone a very traumatic incident, and because of that became very isolated from my in person friends as well, even before the pandemic pushed me away from even the acquaintances i had made. i was worried about coming back to tumblr, but i think ive grown and learned in such a way that i know how i like to comport myself in cyberspaces, and that its been good for me in a way. which is weird, but. i think id kind of have to go in depth about my life and how the pandemic affected me and the specific nature of coming of age in st lucia and stuff. which i dont want to do haha.

as for influencers. i hate the concept. i understand it, and i dont universally hate influencers as a whole, but like. theres this specific kind of content creator where the thing they are sharing is just their life and there isnt like a specific thing theyre logging, like an artist sharing their creative process and how they manage their life around that, or a chef sharing recipes, and its not like theyre doing it just to do it, they have the goal of growing a following, and theyre not advertising anything but themself, like JUST themself, as a person-brand, and i find that so deeply annoying and repulsive. and like thats strong wording its a dog eat dog world and the girlies of all genders need to secure the bag like i get it. i get it. but its revolting to me. like. the vlogbrothers werent trying to get famous they were using youtube to communicate with each other and as an open video diary and people found them to be interesting personalities to watch. right. do you get it. annoyingly i gotta put myself out there if i want people to find my art and pins and stuff so i have to fuckin. make videos. sell people on me. the idea of making vlogs makes me dry heave bc im not important i dont want to have to sell myself like im important i dont want to put my face on a camera and implicitly say with every quirky performed statement i make 'i matter, pay attention to me, i need to exist so look at me' but unfortunately i might have to. a video essay i could do. thats me saying something. but a vlog? with the goal of people finding my stuff? good god. it sounds like poison.

[ladyseidr]

And another headcanon dump! TW for vaguely discussed self-harm.

by the time he's, like, 20, he's got multiple ear piercings and a septum piercing

in that same vein, planned on getting tattoos before getting scooped

only interested in the above because it's genuinely his style, not to like. get back at his dad or whatever. (like at most my william would slightly resent the fact that mike does whatever the fuck he wants with his appearance VS william forcing himself to stay so in line, if that makes sense. he's not old-fashioned regarding piercing/tattoos/etc)

bi, but has an extremely strong preference for men and masc-aligned ppl

complicated relationship with gender. like, he's fairly openly queer and interacts with other queer ppl, so he does explore gender presentation to an extent in those spaces, but hurricane isn't exactly... a queer hotspot (unless they're my portrayals in which case nobody is straight ever). still, he doesn't really hear abt IDing as nonbinary until long after the scooping. at that point, his identity as a whole is, er, complex and it's not really his priority. but he does recognize that he's nb at that point. tends to still default to using he/him pronouns and masc terminology, but comfortable with and occasionally uses they/them.

this is a headcanon i'm Tentative to post because i think ppl can be nervous because of my personal experiences, but fuck it: he absolutely struggles with self-harm. it starts in high school and honestly he never fully recovers normally. the scooping kind of, uh, gets in the way of it. he was already trying to get clean prior, but y'know. this should be a given, but he covers the wounds/scars and doesn't tell people. by default, nobody in his family knows about it.

to be clear about the above: i am comfortable exploring this topic so long as you don't try to get me to write him (or any muse) actively self-harming. i'm a grown adult, i know my limits and i'm more than capable of messaging ppl if i need things toned down. i'm also many, many years clean at this point. please don't baby me if you're interested in exploring this topic (and, on that note, i will never even allude to his self-harm unless you have explicitly told me it's okay).

def works at fred.dy's off-and-on prior to william's disappearance. fucking hates it, but also struggles to keep jobs elsewhere. prefers working at locations william isn't active at, but just keeps ending up alongside him regardless. can't escape each other and all that shit lmao

actually pretty damn intelligent but absolutely doesn't believe this abt himself

hates his father but also still loves him. yes, ever after everything. nothing about their relationship is or will ever be simple. regretfully remembers the "good times." wishes he didn't. (glad he does, because what else does he have?)

speaking specifically on my elise: loves her. resents her deeply. when he's younger, fully pegs her as a shitty mother. when older, gets it but still just can't completely forgive her. absolutely feels abandoned by her and tells her at one point in the midst of an argument

headcanon tag is a reference to this song because uh? "this is who i am / nobody said you had to like it / this is who i am / a modern tragedy / bury your mistakes / clear those bones from your closet / with wisdom there’s pain" ?????

there's literally so much more i could write but let's just fkjsdsda leave it here for now

[sapphire-weapon]

I remember you saying you disliked ID and particularly how Leon was written. While I'm far less familiar with RE compared to you, I thought I'd ask for you to elaborate and go more in depth as to why you thought Leon specifically was poorly portrayed. I actually enjoyed ID and him. Was it a masterpiece? Well, no. It's a video game CGI film. I first came away thinking it was pretty bad, but I learned to enjoy it for what it was.

I found most characters pretty straight forward about who they are what they wanted to do. Claire needed a LOT more screentime, they fucked her up via laziness imo. Leon was fine. He was very cringe inducing (shudders on behalf of Shen May), but I thought it was a good insight to the chokehold that his duty has on him. How he struggles with making the most ethical choices, guilt and how it impacts his relationships with other people. Did ID do this particularly well? Not exactly, but I looked for it and found it.

I HARD agree that Death Island tops it all though. It had a solid story, a great villain, gave Jill a phenomenal comeback (cough, minus the sexist anti-aging bullshit that all RE women are forced to face), we saw Leon getting his shit wrecked (which I personally found funny as hell) and it was actually FUN to watch. It stuck out to me as a film that anybody, particularly those unfamiliar with the franchise, could easily follow and piece together, which other adaptations didn't do. To me, they only felt like "hey, fans who like these characters will GET it, others won't understand the appeal", but maybe I'm wrong.

Anyways, apologies for the novel length ask, I hope you're kind enough to indulge me, lol. Wishing you a wonderful weekend. (Apologies for grammar mistakes, girl I'm high as shit and just really, really enjoy talking bs with other fans, lmfao! I'm the Mr. X anon.)

I didn't say he was poorly portrayed in Infinite Darkness. I said his voice seemed inconsistent and, as a result, gave me the impression that he was going through wild mood swings at varying points of the show.

One scene that particularly comes to mind is towards the very beginning when Jason is trauma dumping on him, like... Leon is the one who initiates that conversation seemingly out of concern/empathy/genuine curiosity, and his tone starting out is one of like "hey lil buddy what's on ur mind we need to be able to work together on shit if we're gonna survive" and then like

out of nowhere, after Jason's story is over, Leon just like

snaps

for no reason? And starts shouting about how no one gives a shit about Raccoon City?

like

where the fuck did that come from and are you off your meds because you seem a little unbalanced like you might be off your meds

shit literally just comes out of nowhere, almost completely unprovoked, and I have no idea why.

So that's why my takeaway was: I don't feel like ID knew what they wanted Leon to actually be in terms of his placement in his character arc. Is he Mr. Supportive Man of Experience Who's Seen Some Shit? Or is he just full "fuck the police" angry mode? Because putting both not just in the same scene, but in the very same conversation, is just bad dialogue writing.

Like, Leon's character wasn't the problem. There was never a point where I was like "wow, that doesn't sound like him." It all sounded like him, but it sounded like him if you took his lines from the entirety of his character arc and just picked and chose at random which ones he was going to say.

It wasn't the character writing. It was the dialogue writing. Those are two different things. The character was fine. The dialogue was shit.

Infinite Darkness really could've used a first draft.

[fluffyseal322]

Fri Nov 1

~ My favorite month <3

Oct 31st, halloween.... i didnt plan to do anything but im glad i took this opportunity to do what I wanted and Ive gained experience. Ive made connections, ive processed the info properly. My brain was a wonderful place to be and i enjoyed every journey it took me on.

My halloween celebration started off with...... going trick or treating with my mom and nala. I only wanted to so that I could spend time with my mom and she enjoyed it. Even though nala kept pulling her and it was scaring me. I woke up with a headache but after I went back home after all that, it got super worse.. Along with the tight wig and itchy costume T-T.... I could not think. I didnt know what i need or what i was doing i just thought about, "ugh i need to get away... idk wat from but i NEED to get away." and so i did... with no thought. So fast forward past the back and fourth, repetitive actions from my headache and ADHD, i finally came to my senses and i ended up at leaderboard. I sat there, backed turned to a line of pinball machines, my face against the dark window. And i waited ...... i waited until my friend that i have never mentioned before, Emily, came to leaderboard. I watched the guy though the reflection of the dark see though glass. I only saw most of his silhouette and i knew he was going to try to talk to me. If i could replay it in my head it would look like a Sim visually thinking. I dont remember what he said but i ended up learning how to play pinball and actually finding it fun for a little bit... and then it became too easy. i got bored. I introduced him to some games that I liked and he paid for one of my games. Im grateful for his act of kindness, it really took me out of a negative tired mood after i had a bad couple of instances before then.

Fast forward.... 3 new people showed up, other than me, Emi, and Xavi. We all planned to go to an abandoned building.... How eventful my night has become ever since.... i smoked a little.. a little as in one small puff from a SKINNY joint. it did help with my fears and anxiety. I could have calmed myself by myself with no helpful drugs but it just made it easier for me. along with calming music. i wouldnt know what id do without my headphones that night. Jimmy.... hes probably the main one in todays writing session. everyone else left the room that i was in and found a spot to sit in a little corner next to a small window. it was a nice little spot. but i found comfort in the area with multiple open windows. it was like a small part of a castle with all the windows open. jimmy spotted me and decided to make small talk with me... he leaned against the window i leaned up against. and he touched my arm. it was nice, but then i remembered how men really think. so i scootched away. i wish i could be comfy with men but unfortunatly from my previous experiences, ive learned that you can never be too safe in the beginning, unless ur aware and open to "it" (it being the gross things that run through a man's mind) and their masculine instincts. if you dont with that person then its okay to leave your guard down. but anyways, after a couple minutes of small talk with jimmy. he asked me "what's your story?" i was surprised. he surprised me twice that night. first being the first thing he says when he saw me was "youre short" lol. but i made him answer his story first because i was genuinly curious. he had a speech impairment so im curious if that influenced his life greatly. ive come to an educated conclusion that is impairment came from his life decisions. the introduction to Fent. I'd like to say, he was both really drunk and really high. i can trust a person when theyre high but when theyre drunk, i dont trust a conversation at times. but this one seemed genuine.

... later he asked me to join the group, i didnt want to but he insisted so i went with him and he made sure wherever i was walking was safe. how kind his soul is. i can tell he was very open to ideas and experiences and he's open to learning. i admire that about humans. i watched the group interact with one another, it made me happy. theyre just humans, like me, enjoying connection in which i feel like i cant make much of a connection with them. they know so much about societal things, like whats up to date, whats trending, they know basic entertainment. i dont. i dont know how to conversate when it comes to topics like that. thats usually how it is, im used to it, i dont mind. it just makes the conversations i am able to have with people more passionate for me. but i walked away for a bit, i wanted to have a look around. what are things that i notice in the area. what history and clues can i get at just by observing the surroundings that strangers left before us.

I noticed the writings, i didnt get much info from it but it was nice to know what they were thinking in that moment. i noticed a bunch of trash in one spot. someone homeless mustve liked to chill here often. then i noticed a bag hanging on something. it was full of trash, but it was clear. i observed it. i wanted to know how long it's sat here but i assumed not very long. if someone likes to sit here i'd guess they'd change their trash every now and then... but then again, these are homeless people we talk about. im not sure how theyre way of living is like so its quite hard to say. i stopped observing and i went back to my comfort spot. i wondered what really happens at night. i hear people singing? communicating, perhaps? im not sure but i closed my eyes and i tried to listen. i saw few homeless people walking back and fourth past the building. 2 people spotted me through the window.... and thats when i noticed one person came from behind the building and walked past the gates, into the property. ---- oh, i'd like to mention i made up a whole plan in my head in case of any danger. the safest possible plan i could think of. i was ready. Then began the fun. it was like a movie. a horror movie. we didnt know all the possibilities of what could happen but we could guess a few. I noticed the panic in everyone, even mine. as cool as i looked as im observing everyones behavior, i heard my heart beating hard in the midst of all of it. One guy, i dont know his name, he stared at the downstairs entrance, rocking back and fourth, one feet behind, one feet in front, like he was ready to charge. I asked him something along the lines of "why are you so scared, its one guy and he could be friendly" i assured him it wasnt a cop and we both agreed that it was someone homeless. he told me "homeless people can be dangerous, they can attack at any moment." i asked him "have you been in a situation like that?" he responed with "ive been in many situations." and that concluded our conversation of the night. almost. i then observed the rest of the group. they decided to start down the stairs. "The guy with the knife in the front." one said. the guy with the light right behind him. i was the observer. i stayed in the back. in case anything didnt go to plan as a group, i wouldve went to my plan B alone. As they got further down the stairs and i lost vision of them, i hurriedly followed them in case the homeless man couldve been silently hiding in corner, if he wanted to attack me, he could, since im the one alone, and im a girl. I didnt want to be the one caught because i was too far behind. Jimmy noticed me and waited for me. How kind he was. Attention is the purest form of generosity they say.. it made me happy but i also had priorities to keep the both of us safe, i kept moving past him and now he was the one catching up. "IF WE SEE YOU, YOUR GETTING JUMPED." one of the guys called out. "idiots... theyre idiots." i whispered to jimmy behind me. I caught up to the group... the front paused and told everyone to be quiet. "Why is the door open" one said. "Is someone there?" our front said. Shuffling. thats all we heard... no response. and we all backed up into a room. in case it was a dead end, i went to the side that goes up the stairs and back to square one. my plan B. same voice who yelled out the threat earlier, "I found an escape!" i heard a few moments later. i walked towards the group, one said to the other, "you have to jump though." JUMP?! i thought in my head. i feared jumping and remembering how high up i was in the building didnt help. i looked down, it wasnt that bad, but still... someone better catch me. T_T Emily :3 it was emily again! i havnt seen her in so long it feels like but shes always there to care for me. she has such a caring heart and she's instictually thinking for others. She's like me. but she has her selfish tendencies when it comes to her "person." Just like me. Thats why i love her but i know i could never be too close to her. As reliable as she is, she can be unexpectedly unreliable. Unreliable because...

(continued below)

[smileymoth]

venting 👍.

I desperately yearn to create a story that is in depth and has a start a culmination and an end, i have the ability to create really in depth characters, i can plan out their entire lives, but because most characters who i create are just boring people whose lives aren't interesting they don't really get those types of stories. I can write autobiographies of my ocs and one shots of them going out or something, but i lack the brain for actually worthy storylines. It makes me miserable. I just want to create something that would be worth it, that would have depth instead of being just a pretty picture to look at. I get a lot of validation and praise but because im so self critical and nothing i ever do is special enough ill never really accept any of it. I just kind of feel like a fraud with everything i do. Nothing i do is interesting enough, nothing is new enough, nothing is worth the time. I dont really see value in what i do i guess because it has no capital value. I dont know hwy ive based my worth around if i could make it into a career. I guess its because i really dont want to get a normal job, i think it would kill me. But i also know that im not enough to ever achieve what i dream. Im so worried about the ending i dont even know the plot or whatever that flatsound song title was. Literally me. I try create but then i get stuck because its not good enough, and i quit. Becuase i cant figure it out perfectly. Because theres no point in finishing somrthing that has no value. Especially when it comes to writing/comics. I shouldve gone to study estonian fr fr what am i doing in the media dep when i cant even put together a coherent story or make a compelling poster . im kind of just a fraud and a lot of wasted potential because my ego gets in the way of existing because i cant take criticism without falling apart at the seams aproximarely 4 months later because ive sown it into my brain wrinkes by thinking about it on the daily . Its all my own fault but i dont think i can change it. I just need to accept it at one point and become a regular person who works an office job. At least id have regular income. I dont know. I want to drop out but i wont because then ill have no purpose in life. Ill enjoy feeling like i have something to live for while it lasts before it becomes a blur of getting a job (if theyd even hire me ever considering i have no working experience beside freelance and being a hotel room cleaner for 2 months) going to work going home going to sleep waking up going to work etc etc etc like every normal adult . I just wish i didnt get so depressed thinking about being alive but what can you do . Im not skilled enough to become a designer, i have no networking for it, and i hate marketing.

I used to think id die before 40 and tjen that slowly left because damn 40 is sooo young but now im back where i dont think ill make it past that age. So ive probably already wasted all my potential and chances of ever becoming anything. I just dont see the point of being alive really. And i also dont understand why ive been spiralling again. Nothing is wrong. But everytime i think about creating something i just get the desperate need to hurt myself because itll never be anything up to standard. And its all my own fault. Yay. I think i deserve to be miserable st this point because im not even attempting to get better. Im just alive for no reason. Im kind of dead already to myself . I ❤️ self punishment over menial things that nobody else cares about. Worst part im aware how stupid and overdramatic i sound, but i also cant help but believe it all to be true because why wouldnt it be. It makes so much sense to me

[fluffypeonies]

post dated rant from d1 uop

Ok i was debating if i should even write this bc it Shouldn’t be a big deal but i should also learn to confront and deal w/ my emotions and not ignore/let them fester for my entire life. Keep in mind that i’ve had a long week since last wed and i just finished all 3 of my exams and was awaiting the results of my practical from this morning, so anything honestly could have set me off. 

We were in simlab again practicing new hand skills and it was clear that all of us were dead tired but still attempting to do stuff. All of a sudden i hear this loud cheering and whooping and i assume someone has a bday or something or some good news. A few minutes later, i see one of my classmates run up and hug this guy who i recognized as one of the alternate students. The good news reached my area of the simlab that he was accepted into our class and was officially class of 2021 like the rest of us. Everyone was running up to him and congratulating him. I was also elated myself and wanted to go up to him to say congrats but i thought that would be weird since we never spoke since the first day w/ the alternates meeting. Then i find out that the other alternate, a girl (there are 2 every year) was also accepted. I was shocked since what was the chance of 2 people dropping from the course? Still very happy for them both. Then i realize that no one had dropped from the course. They just decided to take on 2 extra people to have a class of 146 in our year. I start to get this sinking feeling in my stomach along w/ my anxiety from not knowing how i did on the practical + on top of the stress from everything else. I suddenly felt like the school had not treated me with the same respect as they had treated the two alternates this year. 

Last year i remember always being left out and questioning if things applied to me. I remember always going up to instructors and asking what i should do and explaining what an alternate even was, because they did not know that this position even existed. I was not in the system. I did not have access to canvas. I had to take the initiative to get access to canvas during my fourth week of attending classes with two follow ups because i was always forgotten. I told myself that it was fine and that this was to be expected since i was not officially part of the class. Chase, the other alternate, was more vocal about his discontent. I would agree with him but i was also hesitant to complain since this was such a good opportunity. I remember the first day when it was time to take id pictures for badges to get access thru security. We went and took our pictures, but we never received any badges. We got accosted by security many times because they thought we were trespassing, and i had to enter with other people and get a visitor’s badge every day. The new alternates didn’t have to do that. During sim lab i would watch people practice their hand skills but i was not allowed to even touch an instrument due to liability issues. This year they have their own desk and are allowed to practice with everyone with their own tools. I am glad they get this experience, but i can’t help but feel jealous and wish that i had the same kind of access too. I am not sure if my experience last year was the reason behind all of these new changes. I honestly felt hurt that if they could take on 2 extra students this year, why couldn’t they accept 1 more student last year, since chase decided to wait another year? Was i not good enough? Did i not make a good enough impression? I don’t know.

Another thing that made me sad was that so many people were so happy and proud to have these two in our class, but i know that if i had gotten in last year, i would have gotten a lackluster response. I remember everyone already had their own groups or just stuck with their roomies all of the time. I would consistently hide out in the bathroom during lunch because i wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. My attempts to make conversation with other people were ignored because they knew i was an alternate and therefore was not going to stick around, so why even bother? I was definitely spiraling down at this point and was trying really hard to keep it together during simlab since i was still in class. 

I also felt like, as petty as it was, it was unfair. I felt like i always fought tooth and nail for everything whereas other people did not. They were normal and i was abnormal. I applied to university in high school. I got accepted. I end up going to community college at the very last minute. I work hard in cc. I end up just applying for a guaranteed acceptance to davis. It felt like my work was not actually paying off. The satisfaction was not there. I was just sliding into everything. At uop i was an alternate. I worked hard that month to see if i would be accepted. I wasn’t and had to wait a year. I felt like i was always last minute sliding into things and barely hanging on. But other people simply apply, get accepted, and go. I know that how i got to places doesn’t matter because i am here now but it really contributes a lot to my imposter syndrome. That i don’t actually belong anywhere. That i just force my way in and people just are unaware that i barely got through the door. 

I know that people actually do care about me and that i made an impression last year but these were just thoughts that constantly circulate my mind, whether or not if i am aware of them. I think my table partner, brandon, noticed and asked if i was ok. I said no and he asked me physically or mentally and i replied mentally. He seemed to understand that i wasn’t just having it today and reassured me that “those days” just really suck and that i should take the rest of the day off when i get home. At this point i really wanted to cry tbh since i always am prone to crying when someone tries to comfort me when i am down. I was also certain that i had failed my practical because according to my self eval i had done something that was considered “clinically unacceptable”. Our row was called to get our grades and i refuse to look at it until i got back to my desk. Luckily i barely passed and brandon gave me a hug and i just felt a lot better about everything.

Honestly i think this is just a lot of stress building up and i am truly happy for the alternates for officially getting into our class. I just wish things had gone differently for me but at the same time i met a lot of nice people in my current year so i should just accept that the past is the past and i’m glad they are improving things for new alternates.