#i wish i wasn't fucking. neurodivergent

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

[hellyeahsickaf]

Having grown up with pretty severe undiagnosed ADHD one of my core memories will always be the teacher in 6th grade that would go out of his way to humiliate students that weren't reading enough. Idk how common this was but we had AR points. Essentially a system where if you read a book you could take a quiz on it and get points if you passed, with each book being worth a different amount of points. A very short book might be 3 points, a book the size of Harry Potter might be worth 40-70. You get it

I was actually good at literacy, I had the highest literacy score in that class. But audiobooks weren't really much of a thing yet and sitting down to read a book was virtually impossible, it's something I still struggle with and thought I was stupid for. I knew how to read and was great at it, even liked the material, but physically sitting down and reading a book was close to impossible. There were kids with hundreds of AR points and I had idk, probably less than 25.

And every few weeks this asshole would have all of us line up from most points to least. He'd go through, first hyping up the front of the line saying how impressed he was. He'd tell the next few they were doing well, to keep it up. Further down tell them to pick up the pace, but god help you if you were within the last 6 or so (some of them had the same issue as me, VERY likely also something undiagnosed)

He'd spend most of this time on those last few students. Berating these 11 year olds individually and intentionally humiliating them, telling them how there are 7 year olds who read more than us. He'd say we had no future, at least nothing better than minimum wage at McDonald's. That or we'd be on the streets. He was the type to bully neurodivergent kids every chance he got and boy that was damaging.

Wasn't the first or last teacher of mine to bully and shame kids and other teachers knew he did this so they'd send them to our classroom. He'd sometimes take an entire hour (I'd counted) out of our class time just humiliating this kid or few kids sent in for things like not doing their work or causing disruptions. He'd sometimes put their sloppy unfinished work or something on the projector and make fun of it. If the kid started crying he'd tell them to suck it up or call them names. And he was actually really well liked by the students, just the ones he wasn't an abusive motherfucker to

[dumber-alek]

Can we please please PLEASE talk about a bipolar Ed

[warcrimesimulator]

Controversial take, but no individual is an oppressor simply for existing. Certain groups of people have the privilege and power to oppress, and will have a lot of learning and unlearning to do, but to actually be an oppressor requires action on your part.

[genericpuff]

Are there any characters from LO that you actually like/don’t mind

I have a lot more appreciation for Minthe now with all the hindsight that Hades and Persephone are often way worse than she is. She still had a lot of issues on her own end that she didn't deal with well, and while I would have liked to see her actually develop properly beyond her struggles both internal and with Hades, I think the best thing we could have asked for was Minthe being written out of the story the way she was. At least then Rachel couldn't continue to use her as a punching bag (she just tagged in Leuce for that, sigh)

Helios is great, zero issue with him. This scene is a lot funnier and more relatable to read in hindsight:

like ofc Helios is gonna rat on her, he's the fucking sun who's been around for thousands of years, why would he put any more of his limited freedom on the line for macaroni art LMAO (and yes, Rachel herself confirmed that Persephone made macaroni art cards for Helios, it's like... yeah okay it's cute but Persephone and Demeter still hid a crime from Zeus, the sentimental value of the birthday cards have no bearing on that LOL)

Thanatos is also in the camp of "characters I appreciate more in hindsight and wish got better character development". Adding in the 'twist' that he was Hades' adoptive son after we just spent nearly two seasons watching Hades treat him like just a lowly employee who didn't deserve his respect was certainly... a choice. And I don't think I should have to explain why it was a very very BAD one LOL

Hephaestus is also great, I know he's an extremely minor character whose only real role was to delete the blackmail photos from Apollo's phone but, like. look at him???

amazing. precious. sweet boy. and it has absolutely nothing to do with my absent older brother issues why would you say that- (｡•́︿•̀｡) that said, there are still flaws in his design (his prosthetics especially because he's constantly wearing running blades for every occasion which I feel like Rachel only chose because they "looked cool" and were "easier to draw" but like. his poor hips and back, that's gotta be uncomfortable 😭) but even just his face on its own is ironically one of the most unique character designs across the entire cast, not for any sort of outstanding or creative reasons, you just can't possibly mistake or color swap him with anyone else LMAO and though I can't feasibly give credit to Rachel for writing a neurodivergent character - because I have no clue if that was her intention here, afaik she's never really talked about it - I can wholly relate to him being the introverted computer guy who just wants to be left alone with his work and his airpods, like that's literally just me LOL

And of course nothing Rachel could ever do would make me hate Demeter, I think it's so ironic and tone deaf that Rachel claimed she "didn't get" why Demeter was so hated by the fans and didn't "agree" with the comparisons to Mother Gothel, but like... Rachel literally wrote her that way. And while she did "resolve" it, it wasn't with any actual empathy towards Demeter's own side of things, it was just bandaids on top of bandaids and then going "yep! She's all better now! That's character development!" Out of all the characters who deserved better, she was the one who deserved the most 😔💓

[sinvilles]

additional thoughts: why cancelling the show actually did Orel's character so so so dirty

disclaimer again: I'm unconcerned about redemption because I'm not a fuckin lutheran. I'm a writer and I like sociological stories and seeing characters achieve wholeness within narrative. moral orel is a unique case because the story was cut short halfway through, and all character arcs were arrested at their lowest point in the narrative, except for some characters on the side who were just kind of beginning to shine.

The gist of the matter is that Moral Orel was cancelled because the executive producer's favorite character was supposed to grow up and he had a problem with that not being very funny. Orel was supposed to go from a naive and well-meaning albeit trouble-making child to a very mature and thoughtful young teenager. The beginnings of this were in Nature, and the way people respond to that you'd think this was the point of his character arc, that the end of it was just him realizing his dad wasn't shit and that's the conclusion of his story. That was just the start.

Orel was supposed to experience profound loss for the first time. He was supposed to grow more open minded and perceptive and thoughtful, and actively question his small world and what was being fed to him. Orel was going to have a crisis of faith. HE WAS GOING TO HAVE AN EMO PHASE. There was a lot that was going to occur for his character, but it was cut short and so when they put that happy ending in the finale it feels more like aftercare after a deeply bleak and unsettling turn of events. Just because you get aftercare from a story that only resolves issues to a halfway point, doesn't make a proper ending. The narrative, the writers, the audience have emotional investment in these characters.

Sure, we joke that we hate the characters and that they deserve their misery- and where the story ended, they deserved their misery. It didn't have to be that way. These characters are well written enough to hate, to love, to consider and reconsider over and over. Secretly we all wanted them to grow- even Clay, a character so damaged and ruined he seems bereft of any of god's mercy.

But this assumption that Orel had a full character arc- its insulting to him. Especially the jump to "and then miraculously he had a happy family with Christina the end." Characters become whole through their struggles, because through it they reach a sense of understanding. Orel had come to a couple of understandings by season three- God isn't just in church, and his father is a flawed and hurt individual. Then what? does he just repress everything and go about his life? Hating his father and opposing him was the start of a new arc, not the end of his story. Fuck man, it makes him seem immature.

I mean, if its the end of anything it feels like the end of his innocence, not his story. In one of the unmade scripts, Narcissism, there's this confession to Putty:

shit man he's worried about his dad getting sadder? This child is so beautiful and pure, fuck man I wish the fandom remembered him like this and not like the bleak combined ending of Nesting and Honor. 13 is such an unlucky number. they should have stopped at Sacrifice. and also:

YES OREL, REPRESSION IS BAD! You're doing so good baby boy

Beforel Orel was a fun excursion, and it brought a new angle to his (very strongly hinted to be neurodivergent) character. but it mostly told us things we already knew. and the thought that we'll never get any more.... shit hurts. Idk I don't have much to say other than I'm sad. in conclusion

[slow-burn-sally]

I think one of the most frustrating things about being neurodivergent, for me anyway, is the inconsistency. My whole life, I've vacillated back and forth between seeing myself as an intelligent, popular, well loved person, and then I'll lose my drivers' license, say something hurtful, forget to pay a bill, or send an email at work to seven other people that completely exposes me as the world's largest moron, and I think "I can't be intelligent. In fact, I must be very stupid." I mean, what else am I supposed to think? All my life, people who do things like this are considered less intelligent, so that's the only template I have.

The thing is, half of me is very clever, hilariously funny, charming, and organized. Have of me is also clumsy, forgetful, socially inept, moody, and the worst, most horrible troll that ever lurked, pustule-covered, under a darkened bridge.

These two people are always inside me, waiting to assert themselves. Just at the moment when I truly believe that I've hacked this AuDHD thing, when I'm really riding high on that wave of success. When I remember everything I'm supposed to, and remember to get gas, and pay the internet bill on time, the Other One pokes it's head up, and then I'm a fucking mess.

Yesterday, I got home from a great day at work, where I'd contributed, and worked well with my team, and correctly answered oh so many questions. Then opened my mail, found out I was being sued for a car accident I'd been involved in due to distracted driving from 2 years ago. I look at the paperwork for roughly 5 minutes, the adrenaline allowing me to actually read it (not possible if I wasn't losing my shit with fear), but it doesn't make any sense, because it's purposefully obtuse legal language. I walk into the kitchen, freaking out silently, intending to test my roommate's chili, (because, when you find out you're being sued, the next thing you should do is eat) and drop the spoon on the floor, causing the tomato sauce to splat across the tiles. I proceed have a total meltdown where I begin sobbing, and yelling at my roommate not to come near me, not to even look at me, while I hyperventilate and spray the floor with disinfectant. I go from Self Contained Adult to Panicky Child in .2 seconds.

I am such a badass, and so in control of everything, and then I'm an irrational mess who sometimes hits herself out of frustration, and who can't add numbers higher than 12 + 12. I have tons of friends, lots of mutuals. I enjoy hobbies. I love my job. I love my roommate. I am absolutely privileged and blessed to live the life I live, but fuck, man, I wish I could just have it stay on the easier path for longer. Why is it always so inconsistent?

[manichewitz]

i wish less of the conversation around being a gifted kid/former gifted kid is about the pressure of academic achievement and success and more about the complete lack of resources for learning to manage every day life. because tbh after i left high school, the pressure to succeed in school pretty much went away because it didn't matter nearly as much what grades i was getting in college. what did matter was that i had absolutely no way to take care of myself or manage my life, because i had a disability that had been completely ignored for 18 years. i have autism and adhd--the problems i had once i graduated high school weren't feeling inadequate when i got a B on a paper. the problem was that i wasn't eating, showering, sleeping, brushing my teeth, showing up to classes on time, or talking to people for days and weeks on end, because my executive dysfunction, sensory processing issues, and social anxiety were getting in the way of my life.

personally, i think that's the real price of being a "gifted kid" (i'm talking about myself here--lots of neurodivergent ppl experience this even if they weren't gifted). it isn't just that i was expected to excel at everything and then shamed when i acted like a flawed human, it was that those expectations distracted everyone from actually trying to help me function in society. and now as an adult i have to contend with the fact that i suffered my whole life from a disability because people were just too ableist to accept that, despite having good grades, i still needed help. i needed to learn how to take care of myself and function in the world for fucks sake

[fanfoolishness]

Surprise self-rec time! Pick 3 of your favorite things you’ve written and share them here, then put this in the inbox (anonymously or not) of your fellow writers to spread the positivity and help celebrate already written fics 💞

Oh man, these favorite fic things are getting harder and harder... curse my propensity to write literally hundreds of one-shots! XD Thank you for sending this. I'll limit it to Bad Batch and pick just a few I particularly enjoyed writing.

Heightened: Hunter tries to understand a world without Tech.

Hunter is an interesting POV for me to write from. He's not as open as Wrecker, nor is he as repressed as Crosshair; but he also doesn't spend a lot of time in his own head, unlike Crosshair who's often trapped there and would prefer to get out. Hunter's grief wasn't going to look like Wrecker's, or Crosshair's. Even if the show keeps his heightened senses very subtle at times, it felt right to explore his grief through some of his senses. Instead of Hunter acknowledging he's in pain and misses Tech, he notices things like neither he or Wrecker being able to make the caf the same way Tech did, or the way the Marauder sounds so quiet. I really enjoyed this one despite the crying times it produced.

the mess you left behind: Tech called Plan 99. Wrecker's still here.

Continuing on the Tech grief train... Anyone who hangs around here for long will probably pick up on the fact that my brother died several years ago. Richie was 27 and died of his drug addiction, and while things have gotten much better, his loss etched a permanent groove deep into my brain. When I see sibling loss in media, I have to Go to There and aggressively confront it, especially when the source media fails to do so in any emotionally resonant way. So as much as I wish Tech Lives! was true, it's more emotionally harrowing - but rewarding - for me that we lost him, because it means I can dive into that loss, reshape it, honor it, and show his siblings mourning him the way he deserves to be mourned. I find great comfort in showing things like Wrecker not being able to taste food properly or flying off the handle or sleeping horribly, because those were things that happened to me. I knew grief would fuck up my brain but I had no idea how much it can fuck up your body, too, and it would have been less scary had I known about that ahead of time. So not only are fics like this my chance to honor Tech in the narrative and to further develop his siblings' characters, they're also a shout across fiction into reality for any readers who might recognize themselves in that grief and feel a little bit more seen, and a little less alone.

A New Fascination: Tech isn't sure why Phee fascinates him so, but when she tells him about an intriguing creature by the shore, he takes a chance to further investigate things.

And to give Tech his due -- here is (almost) pure fluff, with Tech and Phee flirting and slowly starting to figure each other out. This was one was so much fun to write. Tech being neurodivergent and new to the whole idea of dating made for a tricky balance, but we remember how he leapt into racing with Faster, too -- headfirst! Once he's certain of Phee's intentions (and bless him, I had Phee straight up tell him when she realized he might need that level of clarity) he's all in, and they were so much fun to write bouncing off each other. I should write more of them but then I get sad, argh! But this is just a sweet little breath of fresh air and it has both of them being adorable, plus Hunter casually trying out a new role as wingman, Wrecker wanting to tease him, and Omega being oblivious XD If you need a palate cleanser after the sads, here's the fic for you.

Thank you! <3

[owlbelly]

having a momentary (but like. not uncommon) wave of anxiety/overwhelm due to looking around me & seeing just how many things other people appear to be doing all the time

creative people with full or part-time jobs who put out new personal work on a weekly or daily basis. people constantly going to events, seeing their friends all the time, traveling. especially other disabled people! people who talk about having chronic fatigue & being neurodivergent & being in pain who nevertheless are always networking, organizing, who seem to be constantly living at a speed & complexity that is fucking baffling to me

i don't understand it. i don't understand how other people's brains - especially brains they say are like mine! - can handle it, i don't understand how people have the energy to get so fucking much done. and i'm fucking medicated now! i'm more involved in local groups & doing more freelance work & hanging out with local friends more than i ever have been in years, & i am still a recluse! who needs to recover for a week at least after anything happens at all!

i still have one million things i want to do that i cannot even begin to picture having the energy for! i still am so physically & emotionally depleted by any changes to my ridiculously quiet little routine that i only manage to do some of the bigger things i want to do (an event??? a trip? hanging out with more than one friend?) every couple of months or once or twice a year!

i am very lucky to have made a home with a chosen family who share my level of whatever-the-fuck-it-is (it's disability, right? even if lots of other disabled people seem to manage things we struggle with?) but all of us spend so much time feeling insane & awful about ourselves & it's bad. it's bad! i should just be grateful for everything i'm able to do! i wish it all wasn't set up to feel like a competition!

[fuutaprotectionsquad]

Yknow I feel like I should have a main post where I share my Milgram opinions/verdicts (thought of this bc i was writing my sister's opinion on the milgram characters). So I'll go character by character.

Will anyone read this? I don't know but its here

Haruka: I relate to him a bit (shitty mother, intrusive homicidal thoughts, neurodivergence). I def feel bad for him but hes still really guilty in my mind. I just think the whole killing for attention thing is a really dangerous mindset you can't just get out of, especially if you're being told you're not in the wrong. And it definitely seems like he doesn't actually feel bad for the girl he killed, just feels bad because people are mad at him for it. Idk. But I enjoy his dynamic with Muu a lot, even tho its toxic i just think its really interesting. But I wish him the best and he deserves a hug. His songs are mid tho (/hj i like them)

Yuno: I love her personality and I think shes so fun, but I honestly don't think about her a lot compared to the others. But I love her and specifically enjoy her dynamics with (obv mostly in fan content) Kazui, Mahiru and Fuuta. Her and Fuuta are such a good platonic ship (romantic is fun too). Innocent vote, obv. I like her songs, but Tear Drop moreso than Umbilical.

Fuuta: Oh my god I wonder what I think of him. In all seriousness he's a major hyperfixation of mine at like every given moment. I adore him and i think he deserves better and to be innocent. Like he feels so guilty for what he did and he didn't know any better, everyone around him was encouraging his behavior and praising him for it. But then it got too far and all his friends abandoned him and blamed him like. Poor fuuta :( and he's like 100% right when he says him and es are exactly the same. On another note, major fan of 0309 (romantically, but either way works), and also love his dynamic with Haruka, Yuno, Mahiru, Amane and Es. His songs are both in my top three (backdraft being #1)

Muu: Tied for my fav character(? Fuuta might beat her idk) I love her personality and vibe and everything just ❤️❤️ queen shit. And her queen bee design is gorgeous. Typically my favs are men but shes one of the first women ive hyperfixated on this much. Again, love her dynamic with Haruka, not from a like. healthy relationships could make the characters better standpoint, but from a story perspective its interesting. But yeah guilty. As for her songs, INMF is my #2 and i like After Pain

Shidou: Honestly I used to be kinda indifferent about him and just found him to be boring but then I rewatched his voice dramas and read some fics and I like him more now. I feel really bad for him bc he went through a really shitty situation which he felt he had the power to change and was stuck in a shitty moral dilemma bc of it. And in the end he did shitty things to save those he loved and it didn't even matter. He feels so guilty and doesn't deserve it. Innocent <3. Also romantic 0507 ftw (0506 is cool too). Him and Amane are silly too. As for his songs i like them, but they're not my fav

Mahiru: i like her, but im not too like. invested in her ig. But i feel bad for her :( she just wants to feel love and like. clearly she did something wrong but she didn't know she was. She never intended to hurt anyone. So innocent. Unless we find out she like. did something really fucking bad then maybe guilty. But in I Love You it implies it was a mutual toxicity so it probably wasn't something super terrible? But anyway. I love her with like all the characters cuz shes just so fun to see interact w others, but specifically with Yuno, Fuuta, Shidou, Amane and Mikoto.

Kazui: Hes so fun i love him. Like all he wants is to be honest and be himself but he feels pressured to lie and then finally he tells the truth and his wife fucking kills herself like- jeez- poor guy. Like following the gay theory, i get why she mightve done it (imagine being told the romance you built your entire life around for like 20 years was all a lie, and that your husband never actually loved you and just pretended to and every time you kissed or something he was just pretending like. that sucks poor hinako) but its so awful that he had to go thru that. But anyway innocent, kazui come out we accept you. And stan 0507. Song wise cat is easily #4 but. half is ok ig

Amane: Yknow i love amane but I also hate her and i think part of that might be the fandom? idk. I feel sorry for her bc she grew up in such a shitty situation but also i think shes beyond the point where we can uninstill those ideologies. Like shes 12, not 5. And amane says it herself that she has as much of a free will as everyone else and that her decision to kill/stay in this environment should be valued. Not that i think she should remain in this abusive situation, but she's not just some innocent kid whose being manipulated, she knows what she's doing. Hence, guilty. I don't think either vote will change her or anything so im voting with my honest opinion. As for dynamics, i love seeing her interact with all the other prisoners, but especially Shidou and Fuuta.

Mikoto: I love mikoto a lot but im so on the fence about his verdict. Ive been voting him innocent but theres still a part of me thats like. debating it. Bc he shouldn't have to be punished for John's actions, and it sucks that that's the situation hes in, but its that or more murders are left to occur. The main reason i say innocent is under the idea that John could go dormant or just stop fronting as much if we reduce mikoto's stress (like he says will happen i think). But hes so complex and fun i love mikoto. Specifically i love romantic 0309 but also his dynamic w the smoking group and mahiru. Also i love his songs.

Kotoko: I love her but also fuck her for hurting fuuta (and mahiru too but mainly fuuta). She annoys me bc she was so quick to almost murder several people based on a preliminary verdict that was made using little information. Like she knew this wasn't a concrete verdict, but attacked them anyway. I get her ideology of "kill people who evade justice to protect the weak" but only when they've actually done bad things (ie. the guy kidnapping the little girl). But when she doesn't know what they did and knows the person accusing them doesn't either???? Like bruh. But i like her character shes fun. I like seeing how she interacts with es and everyone she attacked. And songs, harrow is okay and i really like deep cover.

Whew im done.

[hells-greatestdad]

//

Mun life ramble about how being an autistic adult kinda sucks. Ignore at will.

Ever since I first learned that I was likely neurodivergent at age 25, I've been about embracing it. Loving who I am, even if parts of it are disabling.

I still do. Having ADHD, autism, and dyscalculia are things that have shaped core parts of who I am since birth. Even when I had no idea that was the case.

Learning that my biggest problems are caused by something largely out of my control was and is a relief. It's not my fault I've always felt like a fish out of water in social situations. It's not my fault that I'm highly distractable and will walk away from tasks I was engaged in the moment something else catches my eye. (I don't even realize I'm doing that most of the time it happens.)

But I'm also coming to hate them in some sense.

Living with this stuff as an adult is hard.

Even if my disability is more on the mild end - I honestly question my ability to live on my own. I barely manage things right now living with my mom.

It's caused issues at work in multiple areas, and has pretty much since I first got my job 5 years ago. I just... wasn't aware of this, since they waited like 2 years to tell me "hey, this is kinda a complaint we've been getting about you"

Don't get me wrong - I actually excel at my job overall. I've been told as much, including just hours ago. But I also have been threatened with write-ups multiple times for issues caused by my neurodivergence.

And like. I get it. They can't just keep giving me leeway on some stuff. I gotta put in the effort to improve on my problem areas.

I just wish people understood more. Especially when I'm trying to explain over and over what's going on and I'm either told that I'm exaggerating or using my disabilities as a crutch.

Fuck.

[epitheterased-confessions]

epithet erased is literally the reason why i'm alive at every second of any day, month or year. if it wasn't for those silly paper moving neurodivergent queer sons of a guns, i would not have a reason to outlive, accompany or wish to do anything to any of the characters in the show. if it wasn't for the music covers, original songs and soundtrack, i would not have a reason to not blast my ears off at any random time. so i'd just like to say thank you to each character and appreciate each millisecond that they appeared in. ..except mushroom girl. i don't give a fuck about her

this confession was like a nice ride down the road and then that last line exploded the car engine

[chibisketches]

So turns out I have a stim... that I have been telling myself off over for literally decades.

I was Today Years Old when I realized that my deeply personally-embarrassing "vigorously shake the bad bad intrusive thoughts out of the head!" impulse that I sometimes get very late at night, (when I'm very tired and my brain decides to start acting like a chihuahua on amphetamines) ...was just regular ol' autistic stimming wearing a different hat.

Mind you, shaking my head really hard to 'dislodge' distressing brain weasels was just the first thing my brain suggested to deal with the disregulated feeling of Overtired Brain when I was a kid, and since it actually helped (for unrelated reasons... but still) that somehow stuck as the default 'solution' to the problem.

Turns out just about any very-energetic movement works the same way, though.I tried fast-kicking my feet up and down. Icky feeling was quickly gone, brain promptly chilled out. Tried jiggling my shoulders good and hard. Same result.

Part of me wonders if this also relates to the noticeable shuddering I get through my back and shoulders when I'm feeling really worked up about something... Like maybe my body is frantically mashing the Emergency Overflow Emotional Release Button, trying to just MAKE me shake away the yuck, in an attempt to self-reglate. I've never had it happen when I'm *not* feeling overwhelmed, so that... feels distinctly plausible.

The thing thats currently making me crazy about all this is that I have been mentally castigating myself over this stupid tired-brain impulse for *YEARS* - only to abruptly put 2 and 2 together, completely at random, while playing an unrelated mobile game at ass-o'clock while winding down for bed. (In keeping with the ADHD that I ALSO have, I then promptly abandoned said winding down and spent an hour writing this post instead.)

I honestly didn't even think I *had* any physical stims before tonight, and now I'm wondering what other random personal quirk that I don't think twice about doing, is just this same fucking thing happening elsewhere in my body.

And... I kind of feel like this shouldn't have been able to sneak up on me the way it did, either. Like, I read up on neurodivergence pretty extensively even before I got diagnosed, so I'd understand what I was dealing with. I knew what stims *are*, but just shrugged and went "huh... well, guess that's not one of my symptoms :)" because I didn't see anything on the lists of common ones that sounded like me. But then: SURPRISE! Turns out I do at least one all the goddamn time. I just didn't recognize this for what it was because I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood and because I'd been doing this same thing since I was old enough to stay up late and get overtired in the first place. In my mind it wasn't a symptom or a coping mechanism. It was just a thing I did, even though I was mortified by doing it.

Most of all, though, I'm once again wishing I had fucking known that I had AuDHD when I was growing up, instead of just thinking that I, personally, was a mess. I would've been a lot less harsh on myself, and I could've figured so much of this stuff out decades ago. Instead here I am, eying 40 in the distance, and just now figuring out so many basic bits of the what why and how of my brain. It feels like realizing you've been trying to swim with weights tied to your ankles all this time, wondering why you always seem to have so much trouble staying afloat...

[Standard "This was written very late at night by a very tired person on the internet who has 'Can't Regulate Focus For Shit' disease, so if it's rambly or full of typos, kindly pretend that it isn't" disclaimer]

[avoidant-dreams]

me: why am i so afraid of people telling me i'm too quiet and awkward or have nothing to say and judging me

why do i fake a personality so that they don't see me that way and think i'm neurotypical

reason: because i developed a PD in response to chronic abuse by family and rejection by peers and i'm neurodivergent and wasn't diagnosed until i was 30 lmao

i wish i could just fucking rest from pleasing people so they leave me alone and don't criticise me

[executethyself35]

Forest Creature

a/n: Finally decided to post one the poems i've written

tw: cursing, and a slight mention to suicidal ideation

I wish to be a forest creature

Maybe then my life wouldn't feel like a void

I wish to be seen in the woods

And have people yell

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT”

I wish I could be that cryptid that the weird children love, or something to kin with

I wish I wasn't in this body as a human, but as something other than, maybe uncanny valley Is The term I'm searching for

I wish to have people come out and search for me out in the woods, and trying their damndest To get evidence

Maybe then I'll feel some acceptance

I wish to have my fellow trans brothers, sisters and others to see me and relate

And speak “He's so much like me”

I wish to be a hyperfixation for the neurodivergents, something normal people will never Understand

I wish to have books written about me

To have my existence debated by professionals, and not by myself

I wish that there was enough evidence of my existence that the skeptics couldn't completely

Deny me, and not enough that the believers have won on this

Maybe they'll say I'm some insane man living In the woods, but there's something off about him, Maybe it's because he has a mutation of sorts, maybe it's because he's not of our world, I wish That could be true

I wish I was a forest creature, because for I, I would be living the way my life should be, I could Be living my dream and not be stuck here in reality