#i have a much clearer perspective on my gifted kid era than i did when i was in it

[manichewitz]

i wish less of the conversation around being a gifted kid/former gifted kid is about the pressure of academic achievement and success and more about the complete lack of resources for learning to manage every day life. because tbh after i left high school, the pressure to succeed in school pretty much went away because it didn't matter nearly as much what grades i was getting in college. what did matter was that i had absolutely no way to take care of myself or manage my life, because i had a disability that had been completely ignored for 18 years. i have autism and adhd--the problems i had once i graduated high school weren't feeling inadequate when i got a B on a paper. the problem was that i wasn't eating, showering, sleeping, brushing my teeth, showing up to classes on time, or talking to people for days and weeks on end, because my executive dysfunction, sensory processing issues, and social anxiety were getting in the way of my life.

personally, i think that's the real price of being a "gifted kid" (i'm talking about myself here--lots of neurodivergent ppl experience this even if they weren't gifted). it isn't just that i was expected to excel at everything and then shamed when i acted like a flawed human, it was that those expectations distracted everyone from actually trying to help me function in society. and now as an adult i have to contend with the fact that i suffered my whole life from a disability because people were just too ableist to accept that, despite having good grades, i still needed help. i needed to learn how to take care of myself and function in the world for fucks sake

[nellpire]

[2109xx] Nell - Dazed September Issue 2021 Interview (translation)

Q: Four years since we last met, now Dazed is greeting you again like this. As a "Nell kid" who grew up listening to your music, speaking to the four of you feels surreal. What's new with you? Jaekyung: We've been continuously working on our new album.  Jongwan: We've worked on it for about a year and a half and finally concluded our work the day before yesterday. Like COVID, we worked non-stop and immersed ourselves in composing.

Q: When will we get to meet it? Jongwan: Looks like it'll be somewhere between the 1st and the 3rd of September. 

Q: I heard you're also in the midst of shooting a Nell documentary.  Jongwan: We've put it off for the moment.  Junghoon: There are too many variables in today's world.

Q: It's the same for all of Dazed's issues, there's no telling at all what will happen. And the same goes for who will sing Nell's masterpieces next. The band Gift did a remake of Time Spent Walking Through Memories not long ago. That's rare for them. Jongwan: It was a first for them as a band. We're well aware of their talent as we've been watching them on YouTube. We've wished they would play a song of ours.  Jaewon: We're always keeping an eye on indie bands, and Gift stood out among those hoobaes. We were very grateful when they told us they were singing our song. 

Q: Dazed readers in their late teens and early 20s remember that song so clearly too. Let's go back to that era of Nell. Do you remember each other's youth?  Jaekyung: It's so long ago that it's hard to recall (laughter). We've talked about this many times already, but one of Jaewon's aliases in elementary school was "jjang". We were close friends, played guitar and drums. Jongwan was a kid who sang and played basketball well (laughter). Jongwan: We were just students who liked music. We wanted to learn to play instruments and played in school bands. Looking back now, we've been making music for a long time, but I doubt anyone thought we'd make it this far. When we were high school students all we wanted was to hurry up and graduate, and when we were in our 20s we just didn't want to turn 30… It was that kind of common youth.  Jaewon: When I think about high school student Junghoon, he really listened to music a lot, and he still does. I remember he always had earphones or a headset on.  Junghoon: (laughter) The headset was to look cool. I loved winter back in my school days. There's the winter jackets, and you get to wear long sleeves. Then you can wear the earphone cable inside your clothes and out through your sleeve. So in class I'd always lean my head in my hand to listen to music. Jaewon: Jaekyung was really tall back then too, and he was always running or playing basketball. 

Q: The song "See you in five" from your "Colors in Black" album echoes in my mind. "Is my forced composure / fooling anyone? Let's meet in that place we used to go / If we keep this up / we won't see each other much before we die". I've suddenly reached an age where I can relate deeply to those words.  Jaekyung: You might start a family as you grow older, and as the lines between you and your friends' lives become clearer in a whole new way, you naturally stop hanging out as much. In our 20s, 15 or so of us would gather and see each other almost every day, but now it's hard to meet up even once a year. I was doubtful when I read Jongwan's lyrics for the first time; "will we really end up like that?", but we really did. If we didn't have social media, maybe we would be strangers by now.  Junghoon: And COVID only amplified that. 

Q: I can relate. The fact that, supported by music, the connecting link between the four of you has remained unsevered for 20 years and you've managed to maintain your relationship is truly remarkable. What do the four of you talk about when you gather?  Jongwan: It hasn't changed much. Current matters, events of the world. Things we found fun as kids. And when we work, music talk. To be honest, there's never enough time to talk about that alone (laughter). Jaekyung: When we wrapped up our new album not long ago, we had an after-party and talked a bit about the next album, too. Jaewon: We watch foreign artists' festival performances and envy them, and talk about past concerts.  Jongwan: Maybe it's because we've been together for so long that we still have so much to talk about even in these times. Because we've spent so much longer without COVID than with it. For example, until the year before we last we always played festivals together, et cetera, so the volume of memories we share together is so enormous that we keep having new things to talk about, even in these past 1~2 years. Because talking about the past isn't someone else's stories, but things all four of us can share on a deep level.

Q: Being unable to stand on stage as a band musician and being unable to gather people has to be a deadly thing. The fans must be more disappointed than they can express.  Jongwan: It's a given, but the fans are very disappointed. And I don't need to say anything about how we feel. Moreover we're not very good at communicating; we've always seen our fans through albums and concerts, so we feel even more apologetic now. 

Q: The Nell fandom and its love is as deep and profound as the amount of time they've spent with you. Is there a fan that stands out in your memory?  Jongwan: There are two. One of them is a person we always mention in times like these. This happened when we were all in our late 20s. Up until that point, the reason why we made music was very simple: Expressing ourselves. 100% for our own satisfaction. One person who felt very lost listened to that music of ours and told us this: "Living is so hard, but I gained comfort by listening to Nell's music. I found hope." It can be seen as something fans just say, but at the time it approached us in a heavy way. It was the first time we realized our music can have a positive influence on a stranger's life. It was also the first time we felt proud of something other than expressing ourselves. The second one is from 1~2 years ago, so comparatively recent. Someone collected all of our physical releases, CDs, DVDs and so on, framed it and sent it to us. Everything including the first albums we released as an underground indie band as well as our overseas releases. They sent it to us anonymously so we don't know who they are, but when we received it and held it, it was… what should I say? Emotional. Jaekyung: I too remember the moment I first saw it. It shone like the discography commemorations they hang in famous overseas studios. Albums are really important to us. That's what has let us promote and meet the fans at concerts for the last 20 years. How could we ever forget such a heartfelt gift? We put it up for display in our studio.  Jongwan: Since the four of us meet and work every day, we can't document our 20s and 30s and so we're not aware of the passage of time. But those albums have the dates written in chronological order. Looking at it makes us realize that it's possible to summarize someone's 20-year history like that, from our late teens to our current 40-year-old selves, and it causes this temporary hollow feeling, but it also makes us look at our fans and the members, who've spent all that time together, in a different way. Because this is clearly not an experience everyone gets to have. So that gift was very touching. And we're also really curious who sent it. 

Q: Is the essence of Nell's music still a skepticism, distrust of society or the world? Jongwan: There's still skepticism. I don't think I've ever felt this world is a good place to live. Life isn't always easy or happy, but I don't think that's a bad thing. 

Q: How so? Jongwan: I think that's nature. Even two puppies will crave more love from their owner and be jealous of each other. Would the world humans live in be extreme? I'm the type to believe human nature is inherently bad, so I think it's an issue of living while being pestered by other people and trying to find a balance within that. So having a hard time and being skeptical is a destiny we can't escape. If you think this is bad, even the meaning of life becomes something negative. It's important to find precious, meaningful things even within that, and humans being able to do that is in my opinion something incredibly brave. But as for distrust, it's not something we always channel. The more detailed theme changes with each album. 

Q: The analogy Jongwan made one time about Nell's music was very memorable to me: that Nell's music isn't a fancy restaurant, but a local place.  Jongwan: On the one hand there's fine dining where you can enjoy perfect dishes, plating and interior design for a high price, and on the other there are local places frequented by people in the neighborhood and others who find it by word of mouth, that gives people small happinesses. Old restaurants you can find anywhere on the globe. There's clearly something you can only find in places like those, and I don't think that's far off from our direction. We're not uninterested in making it big and making our name famous, but from our perspective we're putting out music we can be proud of and we have people who respect that music. If we have people who gain comfort and happiness by listening to our music, that's meaningful enough in itself.

Q: I hope more people in Korea will realize the charm of local places and that we'll gain more of such bands and musicians. Not for nothing, Nell is like a lighthouse to so many new bands and young musicians. What would you like to say to them?  Jaekyung: That if you're a band, you should try to let go of your personal greed to the best of your abilities. It's not like there was never any conflict between us four, but I want to ask you to think about whether those kinds of quarrels are important in making good music.  Jongwan: "All in." It's far from easy, going all in. Not just in music; it's difficult to maintain the things you like in any field. 

Q: By "all in", do you mean complete and total immersion? Jongwan: Making it the top priority in your life. I think if you make it even priority 1.5, you have almost no chance of succeeding. It has to be your top priority, so if it's not #1 for you it might not be worth it. You have to endure those difficulties, and if it's not your favorite thing, if it's not your #1 priority, I don't think you'll have reason to endure. There are people who are simply geniuses too, but I'm not one of them. I've seen so many cases where people thought they were all in, but they weren't really. If you want to go all in, then don't look back, don't think of anything else and throw yourself into it. Then someday something right for you will find its way to you, like a gift. 

Q: No less than 22 years. The reason why Nell exists now is because the four of you believed in the power of music. What do you each think is the power of music? Jaewon: Empathy and comfort. There are times when musicians are comforted by their own music. Even if you don't feel 100% connected to the listener, even if you're just sharing the edge of your emotions, I think that's the clear power of music. Jaekyung: For musicians, the moments of making music are the most enjoyable, because nothing else can bring the same emotions. This might sound obvious too, but music needs no special explanation. Even if our languages, sentiments and ethnicities are different, music always speaks for itself. The power of music is something transcendental that all humans can enjoy and have in common. Junghoon: To sound a bit juvenile, music has a power that explodes momentarily. The kind of power that turns anyone into the main character of a movie. If I listen to music that amplifies my emotions when I'm feeling down, I can become sadder than any character in any movie. Some music gives you more energy than the main character in a high teen movie, other music turns introverted and passive people into rebels.  Jongwan: Music can be the strength that keeps people living. An acquaintance's child was very sick with late stage leukemia. When their condition got worse, they were asked if they had one wish, and they said they wanted to meet us. I teared up when I heard about that. It made me think that music can sometimes be a source of incomprehensible strength that makes us want to live the time we have left. Of course, I'm not saying we make that kind of music (laughter). But it's because we believe that music has that potential and worth that we continue to make music even when we're at our wit's end. 

Feel free to use, but please credit Nellpire.