#i wish i had the time and the freedom from my constant self criticism and overthinking to draw

[n3ongold3n]

I know many people headcanon Kotallo as being in his mid-twenties - and all power to them - but when i look at him (and his life story) i really see a guy at least in his thirties, maaybe scratching fourty.

And i think that is very sexy of him.

[tangledmovielove]

Why I Wish the “Tangled” Series Never Happened: A Rant on Disney’s Betrayal of the Original Story

Tangled is one of my absolute favorite Disney movies. It’s a beautiful, romantic tale about freedom, self-discovery, and finding true love. But honestly? I can’t even think about Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure without wanting to scream because it completely ruins everything that made the original movie so special. And worse, it turns Tangled—and even the Rapunzel fairy tale—into something unrecognizable and disrespectful to the original message.

The series didn’t just take a bad turn—it’s an outright betrayal of the characters and the story. It’s one thing to make a bad sequel, but to mess with such a rich, romantic fairy tale in the process? That’s just cruel.

Flynn Rider: From Charming Rogue to Punching Bag

Let’s talk about Flynn. In Tangled, he was a complex, witty character who had his flaws but grew into a true partner for Rapunzel. He was clever, funny, and more than just a “boyfriend.” He was an equal protagonist with Rapunzel—they both saved each other, and they both had strong arcs.

But in the series? They turned him into a joke. He became this incompetent, bumbling sidekick, constantly belittled by Cassandra and the other characters, while Rapunzel just stood by and let it happen. Where was the Flynn who was so smart and had an edge in the movie? The Flynn who risked everything for Rapunzel? Instead, they made him into this emotional doormat who’s not even given the chance to be a real partner to Rapunzel.

This wasn’t just a bad decision—it was an outright destruction of his character. Flynn deserved better.

Rapunzel: From Selfless Hero to “Feminist” Mary Sue?

Now let’s talk about Rapunzel. I have to ask: what happened to the Rapunzel we fell in love with in Tangled? In the movie, she was brave and selfless, willing to risk her freedom for Flynn. But in the series, suddenly marriage becomes a prison, and Flynn’s constant rejection is somehow acceptable. That’s not the Rapunzel we know and love!

In the original movie, Rapunzel was ready to give up everything for Flynn, including her tower and all the comfort and security she’d known her whole life. She didn’t see their love as a burden or a loss of freedom. But the show rewrites that entire narrative. Suddenly, marriage is portrayed as a trap, and Rapunzel becomes this self-centered, emotionally distant character. She rejects Flynn’s proposal multiple times without even considering how hurtful it is, and she never defends him when Cassandra constantly disrespects him. She keeps secrets from him and lets him be humiliated, all while acting like she’s the one who’s “free” in the relationship. It’s heartbreaking and completely out of character.

Marriage as a "Prison"—Really?

And that brings me to the most infuriating thing: the series’ portrayal of marriage. Marriage in Tangled was supposed to be a celebration of love, a mutual commitment between two people who had gone through so much together. But in the series, marriage is treated like a prison, like a death sentence that would somehow take away Rapunzel’s freedom.

Let’s be real: in Tangled’s world (and the world of the original fairy tale), people didn’t wait years to get married. It was part of the time period’s norms—people got married quickly because that was often the only way for a couple to be together. That’s not something to criticize—it’s historical accuracy. But the series ignores that context entirely. Rapunzel rejecting Flynn’s proposal, especially given the era, just feels wrong. And if you ask me, it sends the wrong message entirely. It implies that if you truly love someone, marriage is something to be feared or avoided.

But in reality? If you love someone, marriage is a way of committing to them, and it certainly shouldn’t be portrayed as a “prison.” Anyone who sees marriage as a trap is probably not in the right relationship. And the fact that Rapunzel keeps rejecting Flynn over and over—when, in the original movie, she was willing to risk everything for him—makes no sense. It’s like she’s been rewritten just to fit some modern, toxic, anti-marriage narrative that has no place in this story.

The Original Tale: Love, Sacrifice, and Freedom

And speaking of the original tale, let’s talk about Rapunzel’s fairy tale roots. The original version of the Rapunzel story, Petrosinella (written by Basile), is actually a romantic love story at its core. In that version, the girl is not a “lost princess” but an ordinary girl who, like many women of that time, had very few options for freedom.

Petrosinella’s escape wasn’t just about her gaining freedom for the sake of freedom—it was about finding love and escaping an abusive situation. Marrying the prince wasn’t a bad thing, as it was often the only way for women to escape from a difficult life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry the man you love—especially if that man is a prince who could give you a better life! Marriage in that context wasn’t about giving up one’s identity—it was about survival and gaining the ability to truly be free. And that’s exactly what Rapunzel does in Tangled.

But of course, the series couldn’t accept that. They turned Rapunzel into a “modern feminist” character who has to be above all that, which is not only historically inaccurate but also just unnecessary. Rapunzel doesn’t need to reject the idea of love and marriage to be strong. In fact, if she truly loved Flynn, she would want to be with him as soon as possible.

And, honestly, anyone who’s criticizing those princesses who married young in the past (Cinderella, Ariel, etc.) clearly doesn’t understand the historical context. They weren’t just getting married for fun—they were getting married to survive and to thrive.

Disney’s Tangled Was Perfect—No Need for the Series

At the end of the day, I wish Disney had left Tangled alone. The movie was perfect in its own right, with Flynn and Rapunzel as equals in a beautiful love story. The series wasn’t necessary, and it certainly wasn’t a worthy addition to the franchise. It ruined the movie, it ruined Flynn, and it turned a story about love and self-discovery into a toxic relationship drama that should never have existed.

It’s not Tangled anymore. And if I had my way, I’d just pretend the series never happened. Because to me, Tangled will always be the original—where love, sacrifice, and freedom come together in a beautiful, timeless way. Anything else? I just can’t accept it as canon.

[uelden]

Vanity Fair interview translated

Just a side note before the actual translation; I don't know why, but instead of reporting the full questions and answers in full as she should, the journalist decided to report only summarized fragments of what Måneskin said and patch these fragments up into messy clusters. She also worded a couple phrases in a very confusing way (and yes, she's fully Italian). In short, she did quite a poor job, so the final shape of the interview is not that good. I didn't expect top-tier journalism from Vanity Fair but ffs. You'll see what I mean.

I translated it as it is, adding just a couple footnotes to give you insight on Italian pop culture references.

Translation under the cut

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

by Lavinia Farnese, 09 June 2021

"True justice is being judged for what you do and not for what you are." The ones who are convinced of this are Damiano, Victoria, Ethan and Thomas who, by being the emblem of a generation that is finally free, refuse labels and conformism. In life, in love and on the stage. Where, maybe precisely because of this, they're winning everything

With the still unexpected (first place at Sanremo Festival) and the incredible (triumph at Eurovision) in their eyes, Måneskin are on the sofa of the house-studio they rented - to resume writing songs and rehearsing them - like you are after a won battle: lying in a calm and unreal silence, alert and a bit irreverent, happy.

In the garden there's the tennis table and the pool, the light of summer when it's starting and calming the country all around, and it filters inside from the large windows, and it goes onto the shining black of Ethan's hair, which blends with Thomas' eye shadow and the butterfly he has tattooed oh his naked forearm, which completes the picture of Victoria's golden crucifix hanging between neck and tank top and ends on the black nail polish of Damiano's stretched hands.

It's a human fresco, a Theatre of wrath [translator's note: "Teatro d'ira"] - to call it with the title of their latest album, a platinum record already - where their flaunted 20 years of age, their irregular femininity and virility are grown into proud and challenging custom, a pop glam rock generational manifesto of hard-earned liberties in a finally-unconditional expression of the self.

To watch them from any angle and from another age is to think that a great love will be born in those who'll understand: this new way of being in the world, the true and sovereign realm they hold where "diversity=exceptionality", the power of the artistic and cultural revolution of which they are healthy carriers in establishing in all lyrics and gestures the right to live according to one's own nature past the "people (who) talk, the people (who) unfortunately talk, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about." [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

We go where we're afloat, where the air isn't gone. [tn: journalist's own variation on "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

Miley Cyrus says hi – The numbers of a phenomenon

"The streams of Zitti e buoni are growing by the second, and they bring us above Muse, at the top of English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. Followers almost tripled, in the post-Rotterdam period (from 1,4 to 3,3 millions, ed.) Contagious and universal folly: t-shirts and merchandising sold out in 10 minutes. Like the records, the tickets for a tour that keeps adding dates and expanding over geographic maps. They're contacting us even from some festivals were The Rolling Stones went." Thomas

"After the pretextual controversy over cocaine that France built against us, later disproven by my drug test, some graffiti popped up in Spain depicting me as a “No drugs” poster guy. Some tweets made us laugh: "Congratulations, Italy! I've never been more certain that four people have had sex with each other." Miley Cyrus started following us -You're great. -You guys are greater." Damiano

From the garage to the stars – Story of a flight

"It was only 2016, and we played in restaurants, in the streets, in via del Corso. Damiano without even a microphone, Thomas' guitar with wonky strings, Ethan was drumming on a cajón. During Rome highschools' sit-ins (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first confirmations and half-hours of celebrity, playing among those who criticized us and those who went "wow they're really cool." One of the rare times when they would have paid us – 50 euros each – we gave the money to the next band in the lineup so that they would make us play in their spot, later in the day, when there would have been more people. We had already realized how things worked. Visibility mattered more than money. And we still think that." Victoria

The intimacy of rock – Choice of a genre

"Music allows us the miracle of extending to others some very personal and private topics, sometimes even difficult and thorny ones. They are and they remain deeply your own, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage that is alike a delivery, they find a place in you as well, a processing of them. You overcome them, you accept them. One second it's something aggressive, the next it's a ballad. Cathartic». Damiano

Against panic – The stage as therapy

"I've suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it's an issue I've worked on thanks to a psychotherapy course, my friends and my family. Playing helped me in not letting myself be paralyzed by my fears, not making myself limited in my private and professional life. I've learned to accept, to live with this side of myself. I don't hide it. I don't feel ashamed of it." Victoria

Analysis as necessity – Relying on someone saves you

"This belief that only madmen go to the psychologist is a widespread ignorance. No-one's born learned. [tn: common Italian saying] And it's often hard to understand the very reason why we're here, let alone the origin and direction of our desires. It's a long and legitimate journey towards lucidity, a kind of backing to become transparent." Damiano

Being out of our minds – But different from them [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

"When you feel a strong passion towards something that is not a canonical job but an artistic language, that already puts you on a level of anomaly, which is not superior or inferior to other people, but it puts you in the position of the one who breaks the mold and also works at a loss, the one who sustains great risks while trying to do something that who knows if it will take you anywhere. "Why do it if it doesn't pay?". You want to give this dream of yours an aesthetic, but it becomes "You're dressing so weird! You must be gay!" - now that I'm 22 I laugh about it, but when I was 17 it had an effect on me, too." Damiano

The beauty of uniqueness – Of believing in it and defending it

"And I mean, at the end of the day if we're all different it's not because we want be alternative but because, really, no-one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty." Ethan

Fluid sexuality – Pride is freedom

"Heels for men that like themselves in them, kisses among ourselves, we have an open, extended mind, and we're proud of it. The horizons become vast, past the oppression of conservative families. With the information on the web knowledge becomes greater and with it the possibility that minorities will be less and less minorities, because the majority will be less of a majority. This way we'll make insults and bullying grow quieter. If social media get to a village of 50 souls and reveal to a girl who's afraid of the dark that someone has felt her same fear, then there's no reason to give a name to that fear, to mark it with labels which also limit and restrict. Definitions always had this effect on me. You shouldn't even consider the gender when judging someone, let alone their orientation." Victoria

Sexism – A culture to be dismantled

"Emma [tn: Emma Marrone, Italian singer] drops the bomb: “At Eurovision when I was there they massacred me for a pair of shorts, while they said nothing to Damiano – bare-chested and in heels.” The easy judgment against women is more fierce, constant, debasing (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool while Vic is a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader while Vic is despotic and a pain in the ass who reached success because she's hot.) As a male I'm privileged, the abuse I get is not comparable to those a woman has to live through, the comments over my aesthetic are centered only on my aesthetic and don't insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thought in a systematic way. It happened though to find myself standing with a woman who while pulling me to herself to take a selfie, started licking my face out of the blue... I mean, what the hell do you want? Who asked you? Consent exists, and it's due." Damiano

Grow yourself – The only commandment

"To me conformism is the opposite of education [tn: could also mean "politeness"] and is the asphyxia of expression. I fortunately never endured heavy bullying, heavy enough for the the judgement of others to change me. But the mold of the small crumbs of bullying I got and of the kind of aggression that scars is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and likes dolls you have to let me do what I like. I was a kid who wanted to keep his hair long and played with Barbie. As a teen, my friends looked at my hair: " You have to find a girl with short hair to be at your side." My grandparents took away my dolls: "Stop it, they're not for you." Ethan

"When I was six I was already sick of them, the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things that were typically defined as girly, and all around me they mocked me because I went skateboarding, I played soccer, I didn't wear skirts, I was giving myself the chance to be as I wished. I endured it a little, I suffered a little, but I had courage, and now thanks to that courage I know that I could have gotten even much more hurt, otherwise I would have left to others the most important choice: the one about myself." Victoria

Love in progress – Music, girlfriends

"I've been married to music for the last 20 years. I can't wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary." Ethan

"Everyone makes their own experiences, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it goes wrong, but it's always not anybody's business." Thomas

"When I first felt feelings and attraction towards a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage of going beyond the limitations I had put for myself. For society being heterosexual is the norm and so you often define yourself in that way automatically, depriving yourself of the freedom to live many shades and faces of love. Once I overcame the initial insecurity of having to call into question my certainties I've lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone." Victoria

"I had paparazzi at my door every day and night. So, after four years of relationship, I revealed her name. I still have paparazzi at my door every day and nigh, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore." Damiano

The worth of the group – Phenomenology of protection

"The true engagement though, the true family is among ourselves, our band. We've believed in it since day zero, even before we called ourselves Måneskin (Moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon on the flier for the first concert we ever did. We share everything, even the pain for the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because of racism. [tn: I think the journalist asked them their opinion about Seid Visin's death, which was a current events topic in Italy, and then pasted it syntaxically in the middle of Thomas' answer, which was not a great move] A group is what we all should be: stay united and not back down an inch in the face of oppression that is generated by a distorted view of diversity." Thomas

I'm not of the right age – Like Gigliola [tn: Gigliola Cinquetti won Eurovision with her song "Non ho l'età", which means "I'm not of the right age"]

"Before you the only one who won both Sanremo and Eurovision on the same year was Cinquetti (1964). If there's anything I feel I'm not of the right age for? No, honestly no. Maybe having children. Regarding children I'll be honest: I'm not of the right age." Damiano

Having touched the sky – The fears that remain

"We're more than inside the dream, we're in the conquered dream. When you fly high there's the risk of plummeting and hurting yourself, but we'll work hard not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - a bit pretentiously - reassures us rather than scaring us." Damiano

[perpetual-stories]

How To Fight Writers Block

hello, hello. hope everyone is doing well. as you can all tell, this post will be about how to fight writers block.

it’s really annoying to me when I hear people say “oh you don’t have writers block, you’re just lazy.”

first of all, yes, I am naturally lazy. second of all, how dare you. writing isn’t as easy as many think. granted, all you have to do is write down words on paper, but it’s not always easy to find the right words to express what you are feeling, or what you wish to say.

I have had terrible writer’s block for the last few days and it’s horrible! as a business owner or a small writing store, I have to be ready to write and fulfill my clients’ ideas and orders.

it’s not easy. It takes a heavy toll on my imagination, and digs me a deep pit of blockage, drowning in the lack of originality because of the constant writing and repetition or certain phrases and sentences in different projects.

i am making this post in the hopes to remind myself about over coming the dreaded and sometimes skeptically believed writer’s block.

What is writer’s block?

Yeah, I know. We all know what that is, but let me define it.

is the state of being unable to proceed with writing, and/or the inability to start writing something new

some people believe it to be a real problem, others believe it's “all in your head”

What Causes Writer’s Block?

in the 1970s, clinical psychologists Jerome Singer and Michael Barrios decided to find out

they concluded that there are four broad causes of writer's block:

Excessively harsh self-criticism

Fear of comparison to other writers

Lack of external motivation, like attention and praise

Lack of internal motivation, like the desire to tell one's story

How to overcome writer's block: 20 tips

1. Develop a writing routine:

Author and artist Twyla Tharp once wrote: “Creativity is a habit, and the best creativity is a result of good work habits.”

it might seem counterintuitive

if you only write when you “feel creative,” you're bound to get stuck in a tar pit of writer's block

The only way to push through is by disciplining yourself to write on a regular schedule. It might be every day, every other day, or just on weekends — but whatever it is, stick to it!

2. Use "imperfect" words:

A writer can spend hours looking for the perfect word or phrase to illustrate a concept

You can avoid this fruitless endeavor by putting, “In other words…” and simply writing what you’re thinking, whether it’s eloquent or not

You can then come back and refine it later by doing a CTRL+F search for “in other words.”

3. Do non-writing activities:

one of the best ways to climb out of a writing funk is to take yourself out of your own work and into someone else’s

Go to an exhibition, to the cinema, to a play, a gig, eat a delicious meal

immerse yourself in great STUFF and get your synapses crackling in a different way

Snippets of conversations, sounds, colors, sensations will creep into the space that once felt empty

4. Freewrite through it:

free-writing involves writing for a pre-set amount of time without pause — and without regard for grammar, spelling, or topic. You just write.

The goal of freewriting is to write without second-guessing yourself — free from doubt, apathy, or self-consciousness, all of which contribute to writer's block. Here’s how:

Find the right surroundings. Go somewhere you won't be disturbed.

Pick your writing utensils. Will you type at your computer, or write with pen and paper? (Tip: if you're prone to hitting the backspace button, you should freewrite the old-fashioned way!)

Settle on a time-limit. Your first time around, set your timer for just 10 minutes to get the feel for it. You can gradually increase this interval as you grow more comfortable with freewriting.

5. Relax on your first draft:

Many writers suffer form perfectionism, which is especially debilitating during a first draft

“Blocks often occur because writers put a lot of pressure on themselves to sound ‘right’ the first time. A good way to loosen up and have fun again in a draft is to give yourself permission to write imperfectly.” — editor Lauren Hughes

perfect is the enemy of good,” so don't agonize about getting it exactly right! You can always go back and edit, maybe even get a second pair of eyes on the manuscript

6. Don’t start at the beginning:

the most intimidating part of writing is the start, when you have a whole empty book to fill with coherent words

instead of starting with the chronological beginning of whatever it is you’re trying to write, dive into middle, or wherever you feel confident

7. Take a shower:

Have you ever noticed that the best ideas tend to arrive while in the shower, or while doing other “mindless” tasks?

research shows that when you’re doing something monotonous (such as showering, walking, or cleaning), your brain goes on autopilot, leaving your unconscious free to wander without logic-driven restrictions

showering is my favourite thing to do if I may add

8. Balance your inner critic:

successful writers have in common is the ability to hear their inner critic, respectfully acknowledge its points, and move forward

You don't need to completely ignore that critical voice, nor should you cower before it

you must establish a respectful, balanced relationship, so you can address what's necessary and skip over what's insecure and irrelevant

9. Switch up your tool:

a change of scenery can really help with writer's block. However, that scenery doesn't have to be your physical location — changing up your writing tool can be just as big a help!

if you’ve been typing on your word processor of choice, try switching to pen and paper. Or if you're just sick of Google Docs, consider using specialized novel writing software.

10. Change your POV:

great advice from editor Lauren Hughes: “When blocked, try to see your story from another perspective ‘in the room’ to help yourself move beyond the block. How might a minor character narrate the scene if they were witnessing it? A ‘fly on the wall’ or another inanimate object?

11. Exercise your creative muscles:

Any skill requires practice if you want to improve, and writing is no different! So if you’re feeling stuck, perhaps it’s time for a strengthening scribble-session to bolster your abilities

12. Map out your story:

If your story has stopped chugging along, help it pick up steam by taking a more structured approach — specifically, by writing an outline

13. Write something else:

Though it's important to try and push through writer's block with what you're actually working on, sometimes it's simply impossible

feel free to push your current piece to the side for now and write something new

14. Work on your characters:

It follows that if your characters are not clearly defined, you’re more likely to run into writer’s block

15. Stop writing for readers:

write for yourself, not your potential readers

this will help you reclaim the joy of being creative and get you back in touch with what matters: the story.

this is something I really need to do. because of my etsy business i don't write for fun anymore, but instead as a business and a deadline. i'm going to have to pull out my old crappy wattled fanfics or write some new ones.

16. Try a more visual process:

when words fail you, forget them and get visual. Create mind maps, drawings, Lego structures — ideally related to your story, but whatever unblocks your mind!

17. Look for the root of it:

writer’s block often comes from a problem deeper than simple “lack of inspiration.” So let's dig deep: why are you really blocked? Ask yourself the following questions:

Do I feel pressure to succeed and/or competition with other writers?

Have I lost sight of what my story is about, or interest in where it's going?

Do I lack confidence in my own abilities, even if I've written plenty before?

Have I not written for so long that I feel intimidated by the mere act?

Am I simply feeling tired and run-down?

once you identify what's wrong, it'll be so much easier to fix.

18. Quit the Internet:

If willpower isn’t your strong suit and your biggest challenge is staying focused, try a site blocker like Freedom or an app like Cold Turkey

19. Let the words find you:

meditate, go for a walk, take that shower

Word Palette is a great app that features a keyboard of random words, allowing you to simply click your way to your next masterpiece.

You can also try AI auto-completers like Talk to Transformer, where you can enter a phrase and let the app “guess what comes next.”

even though they often produce nonsense, it's a great way to help that writer's block.

20. Write like Hemingway:

And if your biggest block is your own self-doubt about your prose, Hemingway offers suggestions to improve your writing as you go

it's a pretty cool app if you ask me.

it highlights your sentences (if need be) and makes suggestions on how to improve them!

well, there you have it! a lengthy post on how to fight writer's block. now i just hope i can combat my own soon.

like, comment and reblog if you find this useful! feel free to reblog in instagram and tag me perpetualstories

Follow me on instagram and tumblr for more writing and grammar tips and more!

[d-criss-news]

1883magazine.com

Darren Criss

On his new EP ‘Masquerade,’ the multi-talented Darren Criss welcomes everyone to the party.

Throughout his career, Darren Criss has never been one to shy away from boundaries. As an actor, he has won numerous awards and critical acclaim for his portrayal of Andrew Cunanan in Ryan Murphy’s award-winning drama American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace, as well as hearts and a cult-like following for his portrayal of Harry Potter in Team Starkid’s A Very Potter Musical. As a musician, his talent shows the same range; he is as well known for his ability to belt a broadway ballad as he is for his covers of Top 40 hits on Glee.

For Criss, this is because all music is simply music. Musicians and listeners alike need not box themselves into certain genres and while this concept is currently growing in mainstream media, it is one Criss has known since he was a teenager. At Warped Tour, he encountered fellow San Franciscans Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, a punk-rock cover band that specializes in the unexpected (their most played track on Spotify is Country Roads.). Inspired by what he’s always known was possible, Darren’s career has had freedom most artists take years to explore — and with his new EP, it’s clear that is the most recent chapter.

‘Masquerade’ is an exploration into Criss’ more eclectic side with each track on the record representing a different persona or masque for the artist. The overt character-driven quality of the EP lends not only to allowing fans to learn more about Darren Criss, but also to create a project where something can be found for everyone.

1883 Magazine spoke to Darren Criss about his perception of genre, his new EP, and the curse of creative people.

Congratulations on ‘Masquerade’. I love it. It’s so fun!

Fun is a very fair adjective, I would agree.

I feel like there’s a very cohesive vision or aesthetic to it. When you set out to make the project, did you have this end goal in min  or were you just making music?

Yes and no. First and foremost, when you’re dealing with the whole of what an artist does, there are so many different facets that make the whole piece. To start, I’m just a songwriter — that’s the main thing that seeds everything else. But, because I’m a creative person, I’d like to think that I have a somewhat cohesive vision for my projects. However, you can conjecture and pontificate over what you want to happen, but ultimately a project is going to come out how it does. The thing that ties it all together, hopefully, is the artistry of the music or the person’s voice. When I heard you say “cohesive” my mind was like, “Phew!” Because we’re all scatterbrained people and we just constantly pray other people somehow think that we planned something or we had it envisioned all along, so to hear that is an enormous relief.

That being said, I had hope for how the EP would come together. I’ve been leaning into this notion of a character-driven song. The dirty secret about that is all songs are character-driven; all art is character-driven in some way or another. I just use that wording to aide folks that might be perceiving me as an actor and to apply that methodology to music.

How so?

I always thought it was a bit of an unfair double standard — where actors can be in a horror movie or romantic comedy — and we’re still behind that person as an actor. Actors can put on a prosthetic nose or a wig and do different things to service whatever story they’re doing. Historically music has been a little trickier, but now I think that’s changing. I’ve always been a self-proclaimed genrephile. I love so many different kinds of things. Growing up it was difficult for me to really assert this without confusing people. Now, that kaleidoscope has shifted in my favour, because people are more into eclecticism and musical diversity due to playlist culture and the whole homogeneity of everything. I’m employing this notion of being an actor and being behind a character and applying it to music by treating each song as its own kind of character. I want the art to correspond with that.

That’s an interesting concept to apply to music.

I know that everything I just said is horrifically more cerebral than it needs to be. If you like the music and it’s fun, great. I’m just trying to help people out that might be confused by perhaps some of the cognitive dissonance that’s happening between some of the styles. At the end of the day, it’s an artist’s voice, literal singing voice, and heart voice — what they have to say and how they say it — that tie everything together. People are more accepting of that than they used to be. This is exciting for me because I finally got to lean into something that I’ve always leaned into my entire life.

The last EP you released was ‘Homework’ in 2017. How do you think you’ve grown as an artist since then?

For me, obviously, there’s personal growth and professional growth. I think my growth is much more technical — getting better at recording music or being able to translate abstract ideas into physical recording — the things that I don’t think necessarily would be seen on the records. Again, much like an actor, ‘Homework’ was me playing the part of making a very low-key, singer/songwriter record. I’m a big believer in dressing for a party. I had some singer/songwriter songs that I wanted to honour. Each record I release shows a different version of myself that I haven’t gotten around to sharing.

The songs on ‘Masquerade’ are not like, “oh man in the past few years, I’ve suddenly become this person.” The EP was me finally getting in touch with my more Garage Band musician roots that I hadn’t been able to flex. It made sense to me to finally make this music. I had linked up with people that I thought could help me bring it to life in a way that hadn’t been done before and I felt like the timing was right. As I mentioned, it seemed like audiences might be a little more privy to this kind of thing.

I don’t want to be so stubborn as to think that there hasn’t been growth. I’ve been so lucky as an actor, that I’ve been busy as an actor. The only obstacle to me putting out more music, which I wish I was doing all the time, is time. I’m not an artist that just shows up, sings, and checks out. I’m writing, I’m producing, and I’m really in the weeds. It takes a great deal of investment, emotionally and mentally when I make music.

So, when you say, “you wish you were always releasing music,” do you mean to imply you have more music or at least ideas for more music?

I think the curse of creative people is that our ideas move faster than our bodies can execute. What this inevitably will create is a huge queue of unattended things that you will always be haunted by. From there, you have to catch as catch can. At any given moment, there’s still so much more in the queue that I want to put out. It literally took a global shutdown for me to finally have the time to look at the said queue, and say, “Okay, which project do I not only really want to do, but also do I have the resources to do and do I think fits into where I am right now?” Because I’m very cognisant of l where I am in my career. I have this huge selection of songs and when I have the time to focus on music, I go through and pick the ones I think fit where I am mentally and how I think other people are feeling.

With all these different genres of music you’ve released and all the music-centric projects that you’ve been a part of, is there a type of music that you enjoy performing the most?

I would say everything, but I don’t mean that in a way to just include everything. By nature, I’m a dot connector; I like shortening the distance between two things as much as possible and showing people how they can coexist. It’s my MO personally and professionally. Genre, while it has a lot to do with the cultural background and history of a type of music, is the boxes that we’ve arbitrarily made up to categorize and market music. I’m completely nondenominational when it comes to genre because all I can hear is chords, melody, and lyrics. It’s never been separated to me. When I’m performing live, I relish getting to lean in and bring together genres. I love using the setlist to show an audience how similar different genres are. For example, I’ll play a punk rock song and right after that I’ll sit at the piano and sing a ballad. My voice will be a little different, but it’s still my voice. Just like in acting, no matter what character an actor is portraying, it’s still their face and their body. Trying to minimize a distance between genres when I perform is an exciting prospect because I like getting audiences to rethink what they think they know about the differences between genre and how really at the end of the day it’s all just storytelling. So…I like performing it all.

I didn’t say you couldn’t say you liked everything. [Chuckles] That’s a perfectly acceptable answer.

I like putting all of it together specifically to show the similarities. Historically, all the great steps forward in a new kind of art form have been by mashing two or three seemingly unrelated things together. It’s happening constantly. It’s happening right now. Culture is a constant conversation back and forth. It’s a sharing of ideas that ebb and flow to create something new. I’m not saying that I’m taking part in this ancient conversation, but I’m certainly enjoying it. When I see pieces of it that I would like to showcase, I jump at the opportunity to do so.

Since ‘Masquerade’ has been in your creative bank for a while, what would you say inspired it?

Every song has its own inspiration. The album doesn’t really have an inspiration. If anything, I’m trying to make sure that I can show up for myself. I feel like with everything that I’ve done musically, I haven’t gotten to represent who and what I am and what I do. To me, this EP gets me closer to that goal. I still think that only a small percentage of me has been represented and that’s just because of time. I haven’t been able to focus on music in the way that I’d like, but ‘Masquerade’ is a huge stride for me.

Speaking of you being on Broadway, Elsie Fest is Sunday! On top of it just being exciting because it’s back, it’s your first public gig in almost two years. What did you miss most about the festival?

Listen, even without a global pandemic to worry about, putting on a music festival is hard enough. It’s one of my favourite times of the year because I’m very proud of what we’ve built and what we’ve continued to build and expand upon over the years. There’s been a community that has been built around not only people that come to the festival but people that have been part of it. I’ve followed these performers’ careers and I’ve been really grateful that we got a piece of their magic and got to be part of their journey at Elsie Fest. Magic which I can’t take credit for. I just lucked out with having incredible people perform. Over the years, we’ve had Cynthia Erivo perform twice. The first time she premiered a song called ‘You Will Be Found’ from a musical that would open in a year called ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ We premiered a song from a movie called ‘The Greatest Showman.’ Keala Settle went on to win a Golden Globe for that song. Last year, we had a young girl from Disney sing for us — her name was Olivia Rodrigo. Those are just three examples. There’s been a lot of people that I’ve been thrilled to see do their thing. This year we have an incredible lineup. Barlow & Bear are coming, along with Jordan Fisher, Adrienne Warren, Pentatonix’s Kirstin Maldonado, and Alex Brightman. It’s gonna be great.

The obvious and the biggest answer is getting to perform live within as much of a safe and comfortable environment as humanly possible. Luckily we’re an outdoor festival, so that’s already to our advantage. I will be performing this new EP, but there is also a lot of music to catch up on and a lot of music I want to share. I’m mainly excited to share it with other human beings. I look at performing as a service industry. Everything that I do isn’t worth a whole lot unless other people experience it because it takes on a life of its own. The audience is not there for me & I’m there for them. I’m trying to service an experience that’s bigger than both of us and create something that couldn’t have been there if both parties were on their own.

Before I let you go, I need to tell you that Tramp Stamp Granny’s is one of my favourite bars in LA. I’m obsessed! I haven’t made it back yet. Like I said earlier, the editor Kelsey is also one of my best friends and when she comes, it’s top on my list of places to take her.

Really?! That makes me so happy. You couldn’t have said a better thing. We’re open again to limited capacity. We require vaccinations cards at the door and we’re only open Thursday-Saturday. Talk about being with people — the night we reopened, about a month ago, I got pretty emotional. It was nice to see people just being happy to sing and celebrate life with strangers. That was a really encouraging sentiment because despite the use of digital communication which I do think is an amazing thing, we, so clearly, inevitably, yearn for each other. Despite everything, people were coming to the bar and were so happy to be there and be around other people. Our need for other human beings is a constant that is extremely encouraging to me as a bleeding heart idealist. It’s nice to be a small part of that.

Finally, you said earlier Barlow and Bear were going to be at Elsie Fest. I cannot wait for the Unofficial Bridgerton Musical and was so excited to see you’re involved.

It’s cool meeting them because in a much more organized and impressive fashion they’re doing what my friends and I did ten years ago with ‘A Very Potter Musical.’ They are insanely talented and deserve to be the huge phenomenon they have become. They’re the future. I’m trying to grab onto their coattails however I can. [chuckles] They’re just getting started. I’ve been a big fan of Emily’s for a long time. She hates it when people say this, but [mock yells] she was a child prodigy and she still is. She’s an amazing human being.

Masquerade is out now.

Follow Darren Criss @darrencriss

Interview by Sydney Bolen

[a-room-of-my-own]

Hi! Did you see the NewStasteman interview with Judith Butler? The way she framed the whole debate about gender is so depressing, I cannot believe it... And that's without going into the Rowling debate, the more I read about it on Twitter and tumblr and the most depressed I get. How can womanhood be reduced to a feeling anyone can claim?

https://www.newstatesman.com/international/2020/09/judith-butler-culture-wars-jk-rowling-and-living-anti-intellectual-times

I had not seen it so thank you for giving me the opportunity to read it. She’s really manipulative and that’s pretty scary honestly. I picked up a few examples to show you 

“I want to first question whether trans-exclusionary feminists are really the same as mainstream feminists. (…) I want to first question whether trans-exclusionary feminists are really the same as mainstream feminists. (…)I think it is actually a fringe movement that is seeking to speak in the name of the mainstream, and that our responsibility is to refuse to let that happen.  

It’s “our” responsibility to act on something she cannot prove? It’s quite easy to observe that trans-activists are an active minority within the feminist movement. On the other hand, it’s much harder to prove than most people support modern trans-activism in all its implications. She doesn’t give any source, proof or figures to support her claim but ask people to fight for it, nevertheless. That’s faith, not fact. 

If we look closely at the example that you characterise as “mainstream” [the problem of men claiming to be trans to access women’s space] we can see that a domain of fantasy is at work, one which reflects more about the feminist who has such a fear than any actually existing situation in trans life. 

Then again, no proof, when many gender critical bloggers have lists of dozens of examples of men using self-ID to access bathrooms, women’s shelters, women’s prisons, some of them sex offenders.  

The feminist who holds such a view presumes that the penis does define the person, and that anyone with a penis would identify as a woman for the purposes of entering such changing rooms and posing a threat to the women inside. It assumes that the penis is the threat, or that any person who has a penis who identifies as a woman is engaging in a base, deceitful, and harmful form of disguise. This is a rich fantasy, and one that comes from powerful fears, but it does not describe a social reality. 

That’s a lot of words to call women who are afraid of men “hysterical”. #sorority 

Trans women are often discriminated against in men’s bathrooms, and their modes of self-identification are ways of describing a lived reality, one that cannot be captured or regulated by the fantasies brought to bear upon them. The fact that such fantasies pass as public argument is itself cause for worry. 

Word salad that could be translated like this: our priority shouldn’t be protecting women from men, it should be accommodating men, because #notallmen are predators, so it would be very unfair to them, uwu. Men’s concerns should always be considered while women who are afraid are irrational. 

I am not aware that terf is used as a slur.  

I’m 99% sure that’s a lie, but okay. 

I wonder what name self-declared feminists who wish to exclude trans women from women's spaces would be called? If they do favour exclusion, why not call them exclusionary? 

Women who want to have spaces without men should be called exclusionary, because we define women based on their relationship with men and how they include them. Suuuuure. 

If they understand themselves as belonging to that strain of radical feminism that opposes gender reassignment, why not call them radical feminists? My only regret is that there was a movement of radical sexual freedom that once travelled under the name of radical feminism, but it has sadly morphed into a campaign to pathologise trans and gender non-conforming peoples. 

We’re not the ones telling you can cure a psychological problem with cross-sex hormones and amputations, but we are the one pathologizing trans and GNC people. That’s hi-la-rious.  

My sense is that we have to renew the feminist commitment to gender equality and gender freedom in order to affirm the complexity of gendered lives as they are currently being lived. 

Meaningless word salad > "women should let men redefine the word woman as they please"

Let us be clear that the debate here [between people who support JKR and others] is not between feminists and trans activists. There are trans-affirmative feminists, and many trans people are also committed feminists. So one clear problem is the framing that acts as if the debate is between feminists and trans people. It is not. One reason to militate against this framing is because trans activism is linked to queer activism and to feminist legacies that remain very alive today. 

TLDR: Real feminist can only be trans-supporters. 

Feminism has always been committed to the proposition that the social meanings of what it is to be a man or a woman are not yet settled. We tell histories about what it meant to be a woman at a certain time and place, and we track the transformation of those categories over time.  

That’s gender for you Judith, not biological sex. Social identities vary, biological sex is a constant. Saying that isn't essentialism.

We depend on gender as a historical category, and that means we do not yet know all the ways it may come to signify, and we are open to new understandings of its social meanings. It would be a disaster for feminism to return either to a strictly biological understanding of gender or to reduce social conduct to a body part or to impose fearful fantasies, their own anxieties, on trans women...  

“Women who are afraid of men are irrational” third instalment.  

Their abiding and very real sense of gender ought to be recognised socially and publicly as a relatively simple matter of according another human dignity. The trans-exclusionary radical feminist position attacks the dignity of trans people.   

Men are whoever they say they are, women are whoever men say they are.  

One does not have to be a woman to be a feminist, and we should not confuse the categories. Men who are feminists, non-binary and trans people who are feminists, are part of the movement if they hold to the basic propositions of freedom and equality that are part of any feminist political struggle.  

Many feminists consider that men can only be feminist allies, so the debate is clearly not settled.  

When laws and social policies represent women, they make tacit decisions about who counts as a woman, and very often make presuppositions about what a woman is. We have seen this in the domain of reproductive rights. So the question I was asking then is: do we need to have a settled idea of women, or of any gender, in order to advance feminist goals?   

Does “woman” need to have a *gasp* definition? Judith is saying it doesn’t. You’ll notice that she doesn’t say that anything about “man” not having a stable definition. She believes it’s possible to fight against misogyny while having no stable definition for what a woman is. Laughable. 

I put the question that way… to remind us that feminists are committed to thinking about the diverse and historically shifting meanings of gender, and to the ideals of gender freedom. By gender freedom, I do not mean we all get to choose our gender. Rather, we get to make a political claim to live freely and without fear of discrimination and violence against the genders that we are. 

Word salad > “we don’t get to choose our gender but we get to choose it I am very smart"

Many people who were assigned ��female” at birth never felt at home with that assignment, and those people (including me) tell all of us something important about the constraints of traditional gender norms for many who fall outside its terms.   

Many women have internalized misogyny and homophobia, which in turn had a huge impact on their sense of self and self-esteem, but that doesn’t mean they’re not women Judith. And I don’t think any woman who was forcefully married, who had her vulva mutilated for religious reasons, had to wear a veil since she was a toddler, or was sold as a child into prostitution ever “felt at home” with having been born a girl, you absolute unit.  

Feminists know that women with ambition are called “monstrous” or that women who are not heterosexual are pathologised. We fight those misrepresentations because they are false and because they reflect more about the misogyny of those who make demeaning caricatures than they do about the complex social diversity of women. Women should not engage in the forms of phobic caricature by which they have been traditionally demeaned. And by “women” I mean all those who identify in that way. 

That was going so well until the last sentence 

I think we are living in anti-intellectual times, and that this is evident across the political spectrum. 

JB, darling, just read your own word salad and get some self-awareness. 

The quickness of social media allows for forms of vitriol that do not exactly support thoughtful debate. We need to cherish the longer forms. 

Tell that to your supporters Miss I Wasn't Aware TERF Were A Slur.

I am against online abuse of all kinds. I confess to being perplexed by the fact that you point out the abuse levelled against JK Rowling, but you do not cite the abuse against trans people and their allies that happens online and in person. 

Kindergarten argument, but sure. Also, yet again, no proof. 

I disagree with JK Rowling's view on trans people, but I do not think she should suffer harassment and threats. Let us also remember, though, the threats against trans people in places like Brazil, the harassment of trans people in the streets and on the job in places like Poland and Romania – or indeed right here in the US.  

“Threats against JKR are bad BUT have you seen what’s happening in Brazil?”. I’m sorry what? Also, could trans-activist please stop instrumentalizing Brazilian stats, since they reflect the situation of prostituted homosexual transsexuals ?  

 So if we are going to object to harassment and threats, as we surely should, we should also make sure we have a large picture of where that is happening, who is most profoundly affected, and whether it is tolerated by those who should be opposing it. It won’t do to say that threats against some people are tolerable but against others are intolerable. 

NO ONE, literally NO ONE said that threats against trans people were acceptable. In fact, most, if not pretty much all threats, especially physical threats, don’t come from radical feminists, but from men. Basically, what she’s saying is “who cares about threats against JKR, trans people (men) matter more”.  

If trans-exclusionary radical feminists understood themselves as sharing a world with trans people, in a common struggle for equality, freedom from violence, and for social recognition, there would be no more trans-exclusionary radical feminists.  

♫ Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya ♪ 

It is a sad day when some feminists promote the anti-gender ideology position of the most reactionary forces in our society. 

All radical feminists are right wingers, sure. 

Anyway, it's terrible that this kind of article is taken seriously when it could be summed up as "women are irrational and hysterical, men can be women and redefine the word woman if they so wish"...

[thehoneybuzz]

Ashes to Ashes

Before April 23rd, I had never seen Mount St. Helens. She was a legend from my history textbooks - a harbinger of dark skies and an earth shaker. The Yakima Indian tribe calls her Si Yett, meaning woman. According to tribal mythology, the Great Spirit placed Si Yett between the battling brothers, Mount Adams and Mount Hood, to protect the region. Like other legends, Helens is a great marker of time. The question of, "Where were you when…" elicits memories as vivid as the glint of the glassy snow I found on her peak. 

After her eruption, some thought the world was ending. Observing her crater, her jagged peaks, and the ribbons of steam issuing from her, still - silent reminders of her violent potential - you are struck by her serenity as well as her power. Her allure is not a mystery, and it is that allure which called to me.

I thought she would make a perfect beginning. With peak elevation at 8,366 feet, she doesn't quite make the top 10 list of Washington's highest summits. Even at her tallest - 9,677 in 1980 - she only ranked at number five. Despite her diminished proportions, her treachery remains in her grade. You gain one thousand feet of elevation over each mile which makes her a formidable challenge. It was just the challenge I was looking to find. 

I packed and repacked gear, reviewed chapters on ice ax use and cold-weather layering in the Mountaineering Bible, and streamed endless hours of online videos in preparation. I hoped that all of this, in addition to my physical training, would be enough. I would be climbing my first mountain, and I would be facing the challenge alone. My companion was another inexperienced climber, and in conquering Helens, I would be solely responsible for my success - or my failure. 

Alone isn't something I'm afraid of - there is something to be said for self-sufficiency. My self-reliance has taken me to beautiful and terrifying places, unlocking the world in ways I couldn't anticipate. Being prepared, however, is critical. 

In aviation, before each flight, you inspect your airplane. The procedure never changes. Check oil, check gas, wings, ailerons, flaps, luggage compartment, rudder, elevator, wheels, brakes, antennas, lights, avionics. At this point in my flying career, the movements are automatic. I'll never forget the words of my first instructor, who told me, "You never want to be in the air wishing you had checked something on the ground. If you can be proactive, you should be. It could save your life." 

I took the lesson with me into mountaineering as I obsessively cycled through my gear list. I knew I was ready. So why did it feel like something was missing? I searched myself for answers. Charlie, our dog, sensed my impatience and rolled over on top of my neatly organized gear - adding a collection of his hair to my merino wool base layers. I laughed as I knelt to scratch him.

"Extra protection," I thought. 

That's when it hit me. 

Growing up, I lived on 20 acres adjacent to miles of preserved natural land. I spent most of my childhood with a book, a pocket knife, and a dog exploring the wilderness behind our home. It's where my love of nature was born. Jake, our family dog and a legend himself was my eager companion. 

"You can go wherever you'd like..." my mom would say as I packed a lunch for the day, "... so long as you bring the dog."

Jake was freedom, a good listener, and a ready companion. He was our protection. When my parents told me they'd be dividing our land and developing a new housing community, I mourned for myself, but I remember thinking what would happen to Jake. Had my parents forgotten him in their grand planning? I didn't know how he would survive in a shrinking world. 

It ended up not mattering much. My mom and step-dad divorced before the development took off. My brother, mother, and I moved into a one-bedroom apartment, and we took Jake with us. I was right to be worried about shrinking worlds but underestimated the magnitude. 

As I agonized over my lost home, Jake took on a new kind of protection. A constant in the raging sea of our changing lives, he remained steadfast. Unbothered by his changing condition, his fur caught my tears, and his ears caught my troubles. As a family, we rebuilt our lives. 

Jake held on for years for us, but after his hips went to the dysplasia typical of his breed, he simply couldn't hang on anymore. He let us know it was time - another one of his great mercies - and we did right by him. We lost our best friend that day. For all the space I thought he needed, what he wanted most was to be in our arms. That is how Jake left the world. If love could have saved him, it would have. 

No one quite knew what to do with his ashes. At first, it felt too soon. Having to say goodbye again so shortly after his loss seemed impossible. So Jake's ashes went into a cupboard, and there he stayed for 15 years. No moment or location ever seemed quite right. 

We had to move several boxes to find him. I remembered the sound of his collar as I gently divided his remains, securing a healthy portion rather unceremoniously in a ziplock bag. It was decided. I was taking Jake to the top of the mountain - My protector.

When I made it to the summit, I sobbed. I was overwhelmed at the release I felt - making those last few steps and revealing the world in all her glory. Mount Adams feels so close you truly feel as if you can reach out and touch his peak. The cornices that form atop the crater's edge tempt and terrorize you as you long to peek over their precarious ledges to view the scenery below. Rainier - invisible behind the peak - comes into view so sharply and suddenly that it shocks you. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe the peace and power you find at the top of mountains. 

As I took Jake's ashes from my pack, I looked up to find a group of skiers summiting behind me. I gasped out loud when I saw their companion. They had brought their young yellow dog - a ghost of Jake - to the summit. The dog smiled at me and came over.

I couldn't hide my tears as I buried Jake's remains in the snow. He had waited so patiently and so long to be back in nature. Putting him there felt almost spiritual. Ashes to ashes as two legends and mythical protectors - mountain and dog - laid together. Through tears, I shared my story with the group. Pippin, their lab, licked my ungloved hand as the alpine sun dried my tears. We toasted summit beers to mountain dogs and took off down the slope together. Having protected me one more time, Jake lay at rest on the summit at last. 

This June, I'll attempt Mt. Baker, and Jake will be with me again. It's been so many years since his passing; I was shocked at the depth of my emotions as I kneeled with his remains in the snow. I know rationally that his ashes add weight to my pack and don't offer any 'real' safety. You can't burn them in the cold; they don't purify water or offer sustenance. They are frivolous from the rational perspective. Yet, I can't imagine a summit without him. 

Growing up, I wanted a dog so badly that I gave my mom a PowerPoint presentation about why I deserved one. It's the irrational I'm interested in now. Knowing that when I needed him most, Jake was within arms reach, ready to guide me home. 

I honestly don't know if this is a story about mountains or a story about dogs. If it's a story about mountains, I could describe how every moment spent on the descent, I marveled at the beauty of the natural world. If it's about dogs, I could tell you about the two wet noses that welcomed me home: Sophie, my perfectly round Beagle with soft ears, and the sweetest hellos. Charlie, my foster fail, who, despite having been hit by a car as a puppy, approaches each day with an unrivaled sense of enthusiasm and joy. His love for life has reached me even in my darkest moments. Many happy years remain before I carry them up the summit, and for that, I am grateful.

By the time my feet hit the pavement of the trailhead, I could wring out my socks. They had been drenched in melting show. I was happy and exhausted. It struck me again how the world keeps turning even in those surreal moments when time appears to stand still. Our descent had been complicated - but proved I could endure difficult things. I sang as I removed my boots and smiled, leaning against the trunk of my car. I looked up at the mountain - invisible in the evening mist - that I had just conquered. 

Mountains and dogs, I thought. A girl doesn't really need much else. 

[fmdsooaharchive]

similarly to what i said on jiah’s post, i will be posting every meme response in this post because i would like to spare you all from my spamming. let me know if you need more numbers. there are mentions of other fuse members.

“As a group, I loved when we released Russian Roulette. It’s a song that not many people remember if compared to our newest songs, but I truly liked that song. And as for the songs I released by myself, even though I don’t have that many out, I like I’m Your Girl a lot. Mainly because it was the first song that I’ve managed to release out of Fuse, and that made me very happy.”

“Fuse has many good side-tracks. If I were to choose my favorite though, I would go with Kingdom Come, no doubt. It still is one of Fuse’s best songs, in my opinion, and the way it sounds it’s just amazing. I think that the members’ voices fitted the aesthetic of it so well, Suji unnie and Kiana unnie and Minjung unnie did an amazing job.”

“I don’t like performing Rookie much. It’s just hard to sing and dance to it at the same time since it has a very fast and complicated choreography. It has a very catch chorus and I had it stuck in my head for months, too. Maybe, with all of that accumulating, my dislike for it may have become clearer.”

“There are many people I would love to work with, but I don’t think our styles and voices would fit all that well. If I could make it work though, I think I would like to do a duet with Jeonghwa or Alice from Lucid. Or Yujin from Element. I’ve worked with some of them in past projects, and the synergy is good, and I think we could come up with something interesting to fans.”

“I love Fuse’s concept! It’s funny that I like exactly the thing that we’re criticized for that is the change of concepts and inconsistency as some would put, in our sound. I think that because Fuse is so versatile and always changing the style of the songs that we put out, makes it more fun, at least to me. Every comeback is a little surprise.”

“It would be very unfortunate if Gold Star changed the direction they had for Fuse and started making us release sexier songs in BEE’s style or Gal.actic’s. I don’t think I would be comfortable making that type of music and selling it the way the companies do. I don't think it fits my image either, and fans would be left disappointed by the sudden and extreme shift. Fuse is very versatile, but I don't think that kind of concept would sit very well."

“It feels a little unfair to bring this up because it’s Fuse’s first time going this long without talks of a future comeback. Fuse’s last comeback was last August, so it has been six months since our last album release, and there are no talks at this moment that I know of, of a possible comeback. Maybe because I started in the group at such a young age, I got used to it and the constant schedules, so I miss that a little. I wish we could have a better understanding of what’s to come.”

“WISH releases very good songs, as well as Femme Fatale, so I would love to perform their songs as well. Their styles please me a lot, and I think I could fit in with their image if given the chance. WISH’s more girlish style and Femme Fatale’s girl-crush agree on a lot with the type of songs I like listening to. Maybe in the future I can have the chance to do a cover of their songs at least.”

“That’s a tough question. Compared to our CEO, I’m not even as experienced as he is, and I don’t think that I’m qualified enough to say anything to him. Can I ask him a question instead? Why did they recruit me in the first place when I had no skills, and why did they make me debut when I was lacking if compared to the other trainees? It’s something that always bugged me, and maybe our CEO has the answers I’m looking for.”

“I was extremely unprepared for my audition on the day that it happened. I had nothing prepared, and I just used one of the songs I have learned in my music class. Now, I would like to be more prepared and show a little more seriousness in my intention to become a trainee. I treated that opportunity as if it was nothing back in the day and was sort of forced into it by my friend and the judges who were working at the auditions. I would work on a nice acoustic song to present to them if my audition happened now.”

“Because I’m the youngest in my team, we could gather all the maknaes of all groups, or only from girl groups, and performed a song, everyone together. We could go back to first-generation songs or maybe a song that is originally from a soloist and make a special performance out of it. I think it would be cool to see all of us together and collaborating since we don’t have that opportunity as often. It would be interesting to see our different styles of work merging.”

“Recently, I’ve appeared in a few varieties shows, and I enjoy doing them quite a lot. If I’m honest, I would love to have the chance of appearing in more of those and make FUSE and myself known a little bit more through my appearances on TV. Quite ambitious, I know, and a little bit out of my league since most people expect me to branch out to modeling, but as of right now, I’m very interested in that. It's a good chance for me to get out of my comfort zone and work on things that I usually wouldn't do, too, so there are only positives.”

“It sounds silly, but I would love being the ambassador for a food brand. Any food brand and any product. I’m the ambassador for Ghana Chocolate, and that alone was already very fun, and I love chocolate as well, so if in the future I can work with a brand like that, I would be really satisfied. Maybe for Banana Milk, or yogurt. Oh! Or fried chicken!”

“Amazing Saturday. That is a show that I like watching, and Hyeju sunbaenim was part of the cast for a little while, and I think that show is just very entertaining and fun. Running Man is also a show that I still want to appear on, too, because it has been airing for so long, and even though I’m not the most athletic person, I would still think it’s a good show to make an appearance. Maybe in the future.”

“Oh, absolutely not. I’m not qualified for a job like that, and I wouldn’t want to take that much responsibility under my arms. I think it’s easy for us to complain, but giving the shots and making the decisions is way harder than most of us can even comprehend. So, no, if I was offered that position, I would have to decline.”

“I was given no choice in the matter, and I had to become the CEO of my company, I would like to give my artists more creative space and support. I have quite a bit of that now. I’ve released songs that I wrote and produced for other artists as well, but it’s something that I only started doing recently. Even though composing and writing were things I wanted to do a while ago, I wasn’t given the opportunity and I'd like to offer that support.”

“I talk to my family to relieve stress. I have two older brothers, and they are very supportive of me, and they listen to me if they notice something is amiss. They just have this way of making me feel better by either being very understanding or annoying until I forget what I was stressed about. They make me watch or play scary games too. They say that screaming relieves the stress, but I have the impression my middle brother is just messing with me.”

“Be proud of yourself. Even if you think you’re lacking, you worked very hard to get to where you are right now. You have a lot of room for improvement, and debuting is not supposed to be your stagnation point. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to be excellent or at your best. You can give little steps to reach other goals.”

“Thinking that I wasn’t enough compared to the other trainees. I was indeed lacking if compared to them, but I used to think that I would never be as good as them and wouldn’t get any improvement because I would always be behind them. There were a lot of self-doubts, and I didn’t think I was enough. That might be the hardest part of being a trainee.”

“As a debuted idol. I learned a lot after my debut, and I started trusting and believing in myself more, too. I can work with members who give me a lot of support, and I truly enjoy the schedules we have, either when we’re together or when we got separated in our solo schedules. I feel like I have a lot more freedom too, which gives me the chance to get to know more people and make more friends in the industry.”

“Very tough choice to make, but I would love to release anything by Lucid. Lucid is one of my favorite groups, and I love their discography, especially their darker, more rock-based songs. Chase Me is the first one that comes to mind right now, so maybe I could release their debut album Nightmare. I think that would be super fun.”

“Minjung unnie is the first one that comes to mind when we talk about a possible sub-unit. I’m close to her, and we worked together before too in her solo songs, so I know we’re a good match, and we could have great synergy if that ever happened. Minjung unnie is a great singer so we could have a duet and I can rap for her. About the concept, maybe something more different from what we usually release with Fuse would be interesting.”

“We have exceptional songwriters and composers in our group. Suji unnie and Minjung unnie are here to prove that. They do an amazing job at that, so if I could, I would want to work on the production side of things. Again, I’ve done this before, and I like doing it as well. Just like writing and composing, I think that producing also leaves a bit of your touch in the song so I would love that.”

“Dimensions has two of my favorite groups, Lucid and 7rophy, so I would like to be signed under them and see how this thing would go. I know that Dimensions is rising in popularity these days as well, which is great for them. I also like how they make groups so distinguishable from each other, so that might be interesting. There's also the fact that I know quite a few artists from Dimensions, so I think I wouldn't feel left out.”

“The lack of time that we have to do other things that aren’t schedule related. I’m not very active but even doing simple things like go shopping is a shore that we can’t do that often or at least properly. The lack of privacy is also something that bothers me a bit. I can’t get around without people taking pictures and things like that, and I’m not always at my best.”

“I love that we get to experience this. I love that I can travel around the world to perform in front of people and hear them singing back, which might as well be one of my favorite things in the world. I love that because of this I met amazing people who became my friends. And also, I can make a living of a thing that makes me immensely happy.”

“Being less popular has its perks as well, so I would like to be fairly unknown, but have a good reputation. I don’t want to be the kind of idol who has a bad reputation, only to have the attention of the public. Any publicity is good publicity isn’t a motto that I want for myself or my career. And by being less popular, maybe I would want to work extra hard to make things work out, so my motivation would be different?”

“I think that every time we have a concert, I feel the proudest. It’s my favorite moment of being a singer, to be honest. We practice for so long, and we work very hard to give our best performances when the day comes. After we finish it, I feel slightly sad and empty that it’s already over, but I always think we look at our best when we perform on stage.”

“I learned that I’m more capable than I could ever imagine, and I shouldn’t limit myself because I have the capacity of learning and doing things nicely. I learned that society can be cruel as well if you don’t reach their expectations which just makes me sad, too. Even when the person they criticize is young, they don’t seem to have empathy enough to not be maliciously mean. They are brave, at least online.”

“I would like if they realized that we’re just humans the same as them. We’re not superheroes who can do everything, and despite being taught how to do most things because our companies want to sell that image of their idols, we are capable of just as much as anyone else. Don’t be judgmental as well? Or jealous? It’s not good for netizens who like being bitter about some people debuting.”

thank you to @jihoonfmd, @suweixfmd, @fmdkiana, @fmdinyeong, @fmdyiyeon, @fmdminjung and @jihanfmd for sending me some numbers!

[cadaceus]

okay so by (un?)popular demand, here is the 2,000 word psychoanalysis of caleb widogast that i did for my Super Official University Essay™, specifically in relation to the personality theories of karen horney and eric fromm (though i also have a lot of opinions about how caleb’s development relates to erikson’s development stages, jung’s theory of archetypes, and even rogers and his conditions of worth that didn’t fit into the page limit!! basically: i’m a nerd.) 

i posted it on a shareable google doc here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jkFF7tTu0S9hJu2KsxrZGUgGo-w2V0oIra0bT8846CQ/edit?usp=sharing

but it can also be found under the read more if you don’t wanna click a link :) trigger warnings for caleb’s backstory (including abuse, death, power imbalances, etc.) all apply so be careful friends!!

An Overview of Caleb Widogast

Caleb Widogast is a character from the long-running Fantasy podcast entitled “Critical Role.” Born as Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Caleb was born to two loving parents who served their country with pride. As a young teenager, Caleb was identified as highly intellectual and was subsequently separated from his home environment in order to study magic at the prestigious Soltryce Academy. While the school claimed to serve his country (“the Empire”), the methods of his headmaster Trent Ikithon were unorthodox at best. The abuse that Caleb and his classmates suffered at the hands of his headmaster culminated in a final test, which Caleb went through with: the murder of his parents (O’Brien, 2018.) The experience of murdering his own parents caused a mental break in Caleb’s mind, and he was placed in an asylum for individuals with severe mental disorders or impairments, known as the Vergesson Sanatorium. After spending ten years of his life there, Caleb eventually escaped as a man in his early-to-mid thirties, changed his name from Bren to Caleb, and met his current travelling companions. While he was reluctant to ally himself with them at first, he has come to know and love these friends as a secondary form of family. 

Due to the slowburn nature of the podcast’s storytelling style, Caleb’s character has seen a lot of development throughout the series. This growth is best viewed through application of the post-Freudian theories of Karen Horney and the humanistic proposals of Eric Fromm.

In the Context of Karen Horney

Karen Horney was a psychoanalytic psychologist whose theories focused on the personalities of neurotic individuals. Many of these theories are fitting for the anxious and occasionally obsessive character that is Caleb Widogast. Within Horney’s social theory, she posits that society transmits mixed messages to individuals. While society encourages kindness, it simultaneously rewards aggressive behaviors (Feist, Feist & Roberts, 2013.) This is reflected in the life of Caleb Widogast. Caleb was initially raised in a kind and loving family, but this was soon dichotomized by his Academy training, wherein violent and aggressive acts were rewarded with attention and praise from his professor (Foster, 2020.)

In addition, Caleb’s original version of his idealized self was shaped by his professor’s views of the world. The most prominent aspect of this “inherently inauthentic” persona for Caleb was contained in his neurotic search for glory. His father was a soldier, and his headmaster was (and is currently) a high-ranking advisor to the king. Both of these authority figures in Caleb’s life emphasized the “tyranny of the should”--an element of this neurotic search for glory that outlines how someone should think, act, or live (Feist, Feist & Roberts, 2013.) Throughout his childhood and adolescent years, Caleb was consistently told to serve his king and country, and was urged to seek power and glory within the Empire (O’Brien, 2020.) His eventual failure to do so has led to a deep-seated shame during that is currently present during his adult years, and while he still loves his country, he does not serve it with the same fervor that he had as a misguided child. Additionally, this failure to live up to the expectations of his headmaster, and Caleb’s later perceived failure to live up to a revision of his idealized self, has led to an intense self-hatred that is apparent in his many depressive symptoms and self-destructive behaviors.

Horney proposes that if a child’s basic needs for safety and satisfaction are not met, basic hostility and anxiety can arise. Basic anxiety is the repression of hostility, which can in turn lead to feelings of insecurity and apprehension within an individual (Feist, Feist & Roberts, 2013.) In the beginning of this story, Caleb copes with his basic anxiety through the use of withdrawal, and follows the neurotic trend of detachment. At one point early in the series, Caleb is travelling with a fraction of his allies in order to save three of their other companions from dangerous slavers. The night before a big confrontation, Caleb sits alone in the darkness and tells himself to walk away from these people, and to leave them to fend for themselves. While he ultimately does not follow through with this plan, it is clear that he wishes to disassociate himself from the possibility of deeper relationships with these people. The next day, after said confrontation, Caleb is asked by one of his companions why he wishes to save their three kidnapped allies. Caleb quickly replies with, “Their deaths would be a waste.” 

“Wrong,” his companion says. “Why?”

When Caleb is unable to form a proper rebuttal, or admit to his growing care for and connection to these relative strangers, he opts to walk away from the conversation and spend the remainder of the evening by himself, at a distance from the rest of his companions (O’Brien, 2019.) This shows how deeply ingrained this sense of detachment is within him, as he wishes to move away from people at this point in time, as opposed to against or towards them.

Later in the story, Caleb copes with his basic anxiety through affection toward the people who he now refers to as his friends. Some of this affection is a growing physicality with others that he has lacked since his childhood at the Soltryce Academy. This physical affection is most prominent with the individuals he has spent the most time with in his party, especially Nott (who he kisses on the forehead at one point) and Beau (who he shares “an awkward hug” with in a moment of celebration) (O’Brien, 2020.) However, most of this affection is non-physical and shown through acts of familiarity and kindness. At one point, he uses magic to create a house for himself and his friends to live in, and decorates his friends’ bedrooms with painstaking care and detail. These decorations include items from their childhood, as well as decor that depicts their journey together and demonstrates an individualized attempt to make each room feel like a place to call home (O’Brien, 2020.) This is a contrast to his previous coping mechanisms of detachment and withdrawal, as it shows an other-motivated effort to create a place where they will all feel comfortable together, under the same carefully-crafted roof, for years to come. 

In the Context of Eric Fromm

Eric Fromm’s theories focus on the human personality in relation to the larger sense of human history, as well as in the context of the freedoms we are afforded, and the subsequent conflicts regarding these freedoms. In his work, Fromm proposes five basic needs in order to reconnect with the natural order of the world. Of these five needs, Caleb most prominently demonstrates transcendence, as he attempts to move past an “accidental existence.” Due to his mentor’s influence, a young Caleb manages this in a very unproductive fashion. He completes many acts of malalignment aggression, the most prominent of which is the act of killing his parents. This was not done for the purpose of survival, but rather in a poor attempt at moving up at the order of the Empire. However, the poor management of this need, and the act that cements it, is too much for a young Caleb to bear. As Fromm predicts, this leads to insanity, and for Caleb this insanity leads directly to his relocation to the asylum known as the Vergesson Sanatorium. (O’Brien, 2018.) 

While this event does have lasting effects on his character, Caleb gradually grows and slowly comes to terms with his past behaviours. Later in the story, Caleb reorients himself toward the basic needs of relatedness and rootedness. He has deep connections with his dear friends and party members, and eventually verbally admits his love for them and desire to stay with them for as long as they will have him (O’Brien, 2020.) In order to achieve this goal of staying with them, Caleb creates a permanent home through the use of his magic. (O’Brien, 2020.) This home is mobile and practical for their travels abroad, while simultaneously providing a safe and comfortable environment for them to find solace in. This fulfills his need and desire for rootedness in the world, as it is a constant source of stability and certainty, even as he navigates a chaotic and war torn land. 

Much of Fromm’s work focused on the decision-making process in individuals, and the basic anxiety that can result from the freedom of choice. One of the unproductive responses to the discomfort that freedom brings is authoritarianism (Feist, Feist & Roberts, 2013.) Caleb fulfills this role as a child, as he consistently associates himself with his primary authority figure, Headmaster Trent Ikithon, in an attempt to reduce the basic anxiety that comes from the freedom of choice. Subsequently, this association leads to the freedom response of destructiveness,the culmination of which is the violent deaths of his mother and father. This eventually leads to isolation on many levels--the direct isolation from his family (as their lives were taken along with their freedom), as well as an eventual separation from his childhood friends, who are able to cope with their guilt while Caleb is unable to move on from it.

Finally, throughout the series, Caleb mainly follows the character orientation of “marketing,” which proposes that you have to sell or exchange elements of yourself in order to receive commodities and relate to the world. Growing up, it was ingrained into the minds of Caleb and his peers that they were to be used as a means to an end. It was suggested to them that they carry out their missions to serve the Empire using whatever means necessary, even if this involved the use of sexual acts, or an exchange of favors (Foster, 2020). Even as an adult, Caleb falls back on these behaviours, and even encourages them in others. At one point, he agrees to engage in a harmful and self-destructive act with his friend, as long as he is promised a favor in return (O’Brien, 2019.) In addition, he encourages this same friend to have sex with an enemy as a way to gain said enemy’s trust, with the simple, yet sinister, quotation of, “‘You do what you have to do’” (O’Brien, 2019.) While Caleb continues to engage in harmful behaviors throughout the series, it is clear that he is attempting to grow and unlearn the cycle of abuse that was unfortunately thrust upon him by authority figures at a young age.

A Comparison of the Views of Horney and Fromm

The theories of Fromm and Horney contain many similarities. Both of these psychologists were influenced by the theories of Sigmund Freud, however they both split from the core concepts of his theories. In addition, Fromm and Horney both emphasize the concept of basic anxiety within their works. However, Horney views basic anxiety as a consequence of early childhood needs failing to be met, while Fromm views this basic anxiety as a result of the abundance of choices and inherent isolation that freedom brings. 

There are some obvious differences between these two psychologists, as Horney subscribed to the psychoanalytic school of thought, and Fromm viewed personality and behavior through the lens of humanism. They also split somewhat in their view Fromm relies heavily on teleology, in comparison to Horney’s emphasis on causality. While both Erikson and Horney do rely on free choice as a determinant of personality, Horney believes that determinism plays an equally important role. Ultimately, while these psychologists have their differences from one another, both are equally effective in examining human behavior, and specifically the behaviors and personality traits of the character of Caleb Widogast.

[losingmymindtonight]

Hey! I have a silly question. How do you manage to deal with negative comments? I took a seven month hiatus from writing this one story, and finally posted a chapter- and the first comment I got was a long, negative one. I'm just really dissapointed, honestly.

First of all, this isn’t a silly question at all. Dealing with unwanted criticism is, without a doubt, the worst part of posting fanfiction. I’m really, really sorry that you got such a demoralizing reaction to your new chapter, especially considering the fact that you’d just come off of a break. I don’t know if this helps at all, but I know your url from other asks and comments, and as soon as I saw this in my inbox, I felt comfortable reading it because I’ve only ever known kindness from you.

How do I deal with negative comments? Well, see, the first thing I do is have a breakdown. At this point, some combination of my friends & family are forced to listen to me weep about my lack of talent for an indeterminate amount of time.

And see, I’m mentioning that because I do genuinely think it’s an important part of the process. Seriously: let yourself be upset over it. Don’t think it’s silly or stupid because it’s “just fanfiction” or “just one comment” or anything like that. I can tell you firsthand that getting unwanted criticism hurts, and the tone/approach of most people who leave negative comments is very rarely helpful or productive. It’s just hurtful.

Otherwise, here’s a short list of things I suggest to soothe the sting:

Delete the comment. This is something I’ve only started to do recently, and I’ve been really surprised by how much it helps. Once you’ve deleted it, it’s gone. Bye. I really wish that the AO3 let us block certain users or IP addresses, but in lieu of that, you can remove the immediate problem. It’s freeing to know that the negativity isn’t clogging up your comments section anymore.

Now, read the good comments. Even if you’ve already read them, read them again. And again. Go back to old fics, and read those comments. Remind yourself that your writing has brought genuine joy to a lot of people. That’s worth it, right? That’s always, always worth it.

If it helps relieve your anxiety, turn off anonymous commenting. I’ve noticed that nearly all of the negative comments I get are from anonymous users. Recently, I made the choice to turn off anonymous commenting for all of my fics, and it’s given me a little bit more room to breathe. There’s instructions on how to turn off anonymous commenting here, and instructions on how to edit all of your works here.

Scream into a pillow. Top tip: this tends to work for pretty much any aggravating/depressing experience. Highly recommend.

Do something else. Talk to your friends, play with your pets, bake a cake, do something other than sitting around and brooding. This has two major advantages. One, it distracts you from being sad. Two, it reminds you that there is an entire world outside of the AO3 and those few people who decided to be rude. As one of my creative writing professors says all the time: you are not the story you wrote. Also, you are not somebody else’s opinion of you, and you are certainly not the opinion of a person who’s judging you based off of a fanfiction you wrote.

Take the time you need to feel comfortable with writing again. Don’t feel like you have to jump right back into it to prove a point. And, even if you do want to jump right back into writing, consider giving yourself a break from posting. I recently took quite a long break from actually publishing fic, even though I was writing nearly every day. It gave me the freedom to create whatever the hell I wanted, without the constant fear of what other people may think.

This is a small note, and it should go without saying, but it may be helpful to throw a little “I don’t accept constructive criticism, but thank you for reading!” into your next author’s note. At least for me, it makes me feel better to have stated it. That way, if somebody does leave something negative the comments, I can refer them back to the author’s note. Or, even if I just delete the comment without responding (which is, by the way, the best reaction I’ve found in terms of preserving my mental health), I know that I made my expectations and boundaries clear from the beginning.

Overall, please remember this: you created something, and then you had the bravery to share it with the world, and that is a triumph. That is the most amazing thing you can possibly do. Hold tightly to that self pride. Do whatever you can to stop negativity, whether it comes from yourself or from others, from stealing that away from you. I have never, ever written a piece, whether it’s fanfiction or “original” work, that lives up to the image of it that I had constructed in my head. And you know what? That’s the beauty of writing. We’re constantly chasing the limits of our imagination.

I hope that the next time you share something you’ve created with the world, you’re met with the positivity that both you and your work deserve.

[mcnypieces]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme

fill out & repost ♥  This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK ( They’re missing out )

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK ( It’s subjective )

Are they underrated? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO? ( This is... also subjective. )

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL

How strictly do you follow canon?

     As closely as possible, considering there’s not very much to work with in regards to his canon to begin with. There’s a lot of freedom in picking up any kind of minor canon character. I look mainly to expand on what little is present. I adore fleshing out even the smallest ideas so having something I can comfortably build on is great.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.

     Pica is loyal, beyond anything. Strong, well-built, and never wavering. Regardless of the situation, he is always on task, diligent to the last moment and perhaps longer. Devotion and collected functionality make a grand guardian. Always acts as a pillar; a collected foundation of a man centered around dedicated familial values. Being in contact with stone makes him nigh invincible, granting him not only the protective assimilation but the literal stature and appearance of a stone goliath given enough material. Strategic with respectable swordsmanship, constantly protective of what’s important. He’s nice on the eyes, quiet, and a good listener. There’s order and beauty laced within all that cataclysmic chaos just waiting to be found. 

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).

     Distant, stoic, absolutely terrible with expression that isn’t hateful and violent. Pica is very strict, lacking a sense of humor. His voice is extremely disruptive. The smallest remarks set his short fuse alight and it burns on and on until there’s nothing left. That murderous intent settles for very few things, and getting him to open up is a long, grueling process. He’s self-conscious but in an overbearingly cocky way, in that pride often masks everything genuine. He thinks very highly of himself and looks down on other people constantly. He’s uncooperative, constantly wrapped up in solemn business, and heavily against indirect methods. Abrasiveness is a weapon and he uses it without remorse. Stubbornness and general unwillingness to speak with strangers make attempting to converse with him the equivalent of talking to a wall. Pica is impatience, wrath, and apathy tied together with coarse cobblestone.

What inspired you to rp your muse?

     As odd as it sounds, I found certain parts of Pica relatable in very specific, personal ways. People never took me seriously when I was upset because I was so small ( sometimes they still don’t dskdsks- ). For awhile when I was younger my voice was really deep and hoarse due to adenoid issues. Speaking in general was hard, because breathing was hard. It made me sound very masculine, especially over any kind of voice-only system. Normally adenoids aren’t an issue at that point because they’re vestigial and tend to essentially be shrunk down to nothing. But something ( probably fighting off infections and never shrinking/bad allergies, nobody knows ) blew mine up and they were blocking 3/4ths of my airway for ages without anyone having any idea what was going on until it got bad enough to the point it was obvious something was wrong. I couldn’t have any stuffed animals in my room because it was legitimately dangerous and a lot of my non hypoallergenic stuff had plastic covers on it. Made me really sad. Eventually they were surgically removed, and it cleared up my breathing and in time my voice was relatively normal. Before then, nothing felt worse to me then than struggling to breathe trying to defend myself in tandem with all the emotional stress it brought on me. 

     I was always quiet and distant otherwise, and a lot of people thought I was just weird and unapproachable ( unless you wanted a laugh, anyway ). There were days before I made my small group of good friends I’d just spend sitting under the stairwell up against a wall eating lunch by myself. I’m probably one of the few people that listened to Pica talk for the first time and didn’t immediately burst into laughter. I didn’t completely click with him at that point, but watching that one little thing turn into a running gag constantly coming back to undermine everything else that was amazing about him really set my feelings in stone... pun completely intended. I’ve loved him ever since. That inspiration and adoration has only grown with time.

What keeps your inspiration going?

     Quite a few things. Aside from the constant love pouring from my being, I love looking at highly detailed stonework. It’s beautiful. Scrolling through rolling mountain landscapes, listening to certain songs, daydreaming in between sentences. I never really lose inspiration for Pica. Something new hits me every day in the most mundane tasks. A lot of it does go unshared, but some of it is personal and other times I simply don’t have the energy or reason. Very well I could be brimming with inspiration for him all day and have nowhere really to put it without excess. Getting opportunities to do so really makes me smile, though. It’s amazing how much being invested in a character will keep your inspiration at an all time high even when you’re having a rough time. Sometimes all it takes is just an extra comment from someone else or an occurrence or some kind of image to put you right back on track. For me, seeing any kind of lovely stonework or abandoned, run down places really sets my inspiration for him in motion.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO ( I would hope so! )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO ( I’m always thinking of new ones! )

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO ( It’s been awhile, though... )

Do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES!! / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO 

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO ( Generally speaking, I try to be! )

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

     Actual criticism, yes. I don’t mind it. At the same time, however, I’m really just here to have a good time ─ as is everybody else. Growing and developing my writing is always a bonus when I’ve the experience here in an environment I’m comfortable with, but critique isn’t exactly something I go hunting for. I’m here to write the characters I love and adore and honestly, sometimes, it’s better to have the freedom to do things as you wish without the worry of receiving it, no matter how well-intended it may be. It’s all chill times and good vibes doing what we enjoy most.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?

     Absolutely! I love randomly being sent things that keep me thinking with any character. I’m always looking for little intricacies and tidbits to really bring them to life. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to think of something appropriate but I always appreciate the brain candy when it comes to new details! It goes without saying that I’ll happily accept anything that gives reason to my constant, aimless musings related to Pica.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?

     Yes and no? I always love hearing other ideas on why someone else’s headcanons differ from my own. For all I know it might be enough to change my mind or, at the very least, give me a different perspective on something I’ve never thought about before. I’m always curious about stuff when it relates to a character I love. As long as they’re not rude about it and we’ve talked to the point it’s not out of the blue, it’s okay. On the other hand, it doesn’t really matter if someone disagrees. We all have our own headcanons and it’s very easy to be respectful about them. Despite what has already been said, there’s a high chance I’m going to keep to my own headcanons as they are regardless, because I put a lot of thought and heart into them. Someone disagreeing with them at face value isn’t going to make me up and throw all that work in the trash just like that.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

     That’s okay. There are plenty of different ways to interpret a character. People are allowed to like and dislike whatever portrayal they so choose, so long as they’re not bashing anyone outright. I would much prefer that be something that’s kept to oneself, however. It’s very easy to simply ignore something you don’t agree with, and it’s just as easy to be kind about things when expressing your own thoughts in comparison with theirs. Plus, there’s always making your own blog and writing whoever however you please! Someone out there is bound to enjoy whatever portrayal you prefer. ♥

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?

     Not personal, certainly, unless it was somehow directed at me personally. It’s very understandable. There’s a lot of potential present for actual progressing development, but on the surface Pica is very dislike-able. It’s very clear his purpose was to act as a stepping stone for another major character’s development and there wasn’t much left beyond that. Of course it’s always a sad thing being hopelessly attached to a character like that but as an avid lover of what are often viewed as very minor, niche characters, it’s something I’m very much used to. Perhaps not intense hate in every case, per se, but underappreciated. It just so happens that Pica is... not exactly a good person, putting it kindly. But that’s just another reason I love him so much as a character.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?

     Sure! Though chances are I’ve probably already noticed at that point and have been embarrassed about it/fixed it. I’ve probably made many over the years and also not realized it. Most of the time it’s something minor anyway, and a lot of people just naturally read it as it’s supposed to be read. So there’s no trouble!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

     I’d certainly like to think so! I tend to be very patient and accommodating. I wholeheartedly stand beside the idea that RPing is meant to be fun and enjoyable and not something that causes more stress. People should take their time with things and set their own pace. Being comfortable is part of what makes RP the wonderful hobby that it is. Really that applies to any hobby, but there are many little things that can turn someone away from doing something they love at any given time. There’s nothing that would hurt me more than unintentionally making something someone enjoys a chore for them. I try my best to make sure everyone knows that I’m really just a chill little bun having a good time doting on characters I love. Pica might not be cordial, but I certainly try to be!

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

     🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

tagged by. @tenyxshx ─ thank you flamingo nerd ♥ ilu

[werevulvi]

My everlasting beard issue. I just need to figure it out sometime, and writing about it over and over is my best approach to do so. Deal with it. I had a pretty long time of feeling almost certain that I wanted it removed, until it changed again, very recently. Perhaps that's how it always will be, forever switching between wanting and not wanting it.

Deep down I really do wanna keep it, but on surface level I really don't like it.

I think it's possible that I just refuse to accept that I want to keep it, and try really hard to disconnect myself from it. I wanna live as a woman now, but having facial hair makes me being perpetually read as male. I deeply crave to just be read as female. The social hurdles of being a male-passing woman are grinding me down to the ground. But then deeper down I just wanna have whatever physical traits regardless if they make me look male or female, and be open about that my sex is female regardless of how I come across. I will always be female and I'm totally fine with that, but only if I get to be a woman in whichever way I so please.

Perhaps to be happily a woman, I need to stay masculinised, and keep all of the permanent traits that I got from the testosterone.

I am not immune to being treated like shit just because I now embrace my sex. Not being believed, being viewed as a threat by other women, keep being denied access to lesbian groups on facebook despite being as overly clear as I can be about my situation, being tossed out from women's locker rooms, etc, does get to me. It makes me claw at my skin, wishing to tear it off. It makes me grunt at my mirror reflection, wondering what the fuck happened to my natural beauty that I traded for a medically transitioned mess that I can't help but to hate to love, and love to hate.

Beneath all that extra hair I am still me. The little girl who grew up to this mess of a woman. The name I now proudly carry is the one my mother gave me before I was even born. She knew she was gonna have a daughter before I was even conceived, and I'm her first child. She's very intuitive like that. There is a lot of positive meaning to my name which I up until last year rejected and felt was misguided, but it couldn't have been more right.

No matter how far I've transitioned, how much or little I still resemble the girl I once was, I am still her.

No matter how badly I perform femininity, as if I learned to only be feminine in a way that is mocking my own sex, and no matter how awkwardly I portray masculinity, like a Barbie stuffed into Ken's clothes, what does it matter? No one is born with knowledge on how to dress or how to behave. Autistic people like myself are arguably even worse at learning such things. It's just fabric after all.

I've become better at standing my ground. Went to a bar in a foreign country a few weeks ago, dressed very masculine, no makeup, my short hair with sidecut on display. A presumably straight man attempted to hug and kiss me, and I swear I nearly scratched his eyes out. I didn't need to know the word for "no" in that foreign language to very clearly state my disinterest. He bounced off me as if electrocuted and didn't even look in my direction for the rest of that night. I felt a surge of confidence liberating me. I defended myself against a creepy man and won the battle.

The lesbian in me is proud as fuck, and so is the rape victim in me. That was a huge mental victory. It told me: yes, I can survive in the world as a woman, and I'll do it just fine.

I've lately been going to women's bathrooms like it's nobody's business. Just a quick glance at me and my beard shadow is very striking under such strong flourescent lights. I make no attempts to hide it other than shaving, and I don't care to, but it keeps me on my toes knowing it's so visible. Yet I keep thinking: so what?

What do I even want? Something impossible like being recognised as bio female despite my beard? Probably. But how much should I really listen to my social dysphoria? Isn't my body still far more important than how it comes across to random strangers? Yes, it is. My body is mine, not theirs. Who I am in a stranger's eyes might not be true. In fact, it's highly likely to be false, but that doesn't mean that strangers have some kinda right to argue with me about what my sex is. I damn well know what I was born as. It's not something I tend to forget. As soon as I get my legal sex marker changed back to female and new breasts, I'm gonna take it up into stride with the staff at my local swimming hall about that locker room situation. I'm technically a biological woman even if I look male. They have no right to bar me from the women's locker room and stuff me into the handicap locker room as if I'm an embarrassing inconvenience. If I had actually been a trans woman, which I'm pretty sure is what they assume, it would have been different.

They should have asked instead of assumed. I should have said something instead of quietly accepted. But I won't be silent forever. Right is right, and I don't like this kinda discrimination.

Sometimes it boggles my mind... how can they not see that I'm female? When I'm standing just centimetres/inches from their faces and being looked up and down. When I'm literally only wearing a bikini, or even entirely naked, and they still believe I'm male. When they state it smuggly as if they think they for sure just clocked a trans woman. People's clocking skills are so fucking broken, I almost wanna hand them my glasses! Makes me feel like some kinda double spy. It's eerie. As if I had lived in another country for many years before returning back home to Sweden, but no one believed anymore that I'm truly a native Swede.

Such has my detransition been like so far. Like I am back in my home country but everyone treats me like a foreigner. Have I forgotten my language, have I forgotten how to female?

I cling to my beard, I still do. Sometimes I get this strange feeling as if I "feel masculine" and those are the moments that I love being a little scruffy. That's when I tend to feel more connected to my facial hair, deep voice, body hair, etc. And when I "feel feminine" I tend to instead feel more connected to my curves, pussy, etc. Although I always like my pussy, curves, body hair, and always want new breasts just as much, it drastically changes how I feel about my deep voice and facial hair. That confuses me.

As I've stated before, I think if I hadn't been gender critical, I would have identified as non-binary. I know a lot of how I feel could be explained by that, but I don't want such a libfem loaded term. I keep seeking a realistic, logical explanation for how I feel. Perhaps I'm just very androgynous and maybe my androgyny extends to what could be called some kinda sex dysphoria which wasn't created by my past traumas. Perhaps I just like having a very masculinised female body, and perhaps the way I view my body is more important than how other people view it.

Perhaps I never actually want to grow out any significant amount of my facial hair. Perhaps the little bit of stubble that happens between shavings is just enough. Perhaps a small soul patch or a few hairs left unshaven is enough. Perhaps I just like having the total freedom of having any possible beard style, and am strangely proud of how dense and dark it is. Perhaps the act of shaving my face in itself feels like a very masculine and soothing ritual for me to do routinely. Perhaps beard care is something that hugely matters to me in terms of self-care. Perhaps there is a deeper reason as to why I dream of learning how to shave with a straight razor. Perhaps the skin issues I get from my facial hair can be solved without removing the hairs, if only I manage to drag my ass to a dermatologist eventually.

Perhaps I should really listen to that sadness I feel stabbing my guts every time I toy with the idea of removing my facial hair, like something deep within me doesn't want it gone.

Perhaps stroking my stubble on the days I skip shaving is important intimacy with my own body and feeling connected to it. Perhaps my ever-growing beard is a positive reminder to me that my body is alive and constantly rejuvenating itself, like the growing of nails and the caring grooming routine of cutting and filing them, and like the constant shedding of dead skin cells and new ones growing in the old ones' places. Perhaps my positive connection to my beard is more spiritual than looks-based. Perhaps I need to embrace it as a woman, no matter how hard it is socially. No matter how much I'd desperately rather take the easier route. I don't want to truly face my beard, but I know I will eventually have to, because I can't continue on like this. Something within me has been begging, urging and scratching at me to listen. It wants to tell me something that I am not mentally prepared to take in. I know it matters, so I won't ignore it forever.

Sometimes I put my feelings on hold when I'm not mentally prepared for them, but eventually I always take the call. Perhaps I should take that call now.

[wewererogue]

The Norwegian prison where inmates are treated like people

[by Erwin James / The Guardian, February 2013]

On Bastoy prison island in Norway, the prisoners, some of whom are murderers and rapists, live in conditions that critics brand ‘cushy’ and 'luxurious’. Yet it has by far the lowest reoffending rate in Europe.

An inmate sunbathes on the deck of his bungalow on Bastoy. Photograph: Marco Di Lauro

The first clue that things are done very differently on Bastoy prison island, which lies a couple of miles off the coast in the Oslo fjord, 46 miles south-east of Norway’s capital, comes shortly after I board the prison ferry. I’m taken aback slightly when the ferry operative who welcomed me aboard just minutes earlier, and with whom I’m exchanging small talk about the weather, suddenly reveals he is a serving prisoner – doing 14 years for drug smuggling. He notes my surprise, smiles, and takes off a thick glove before offering me his hand. “I’m Petter,” he says.

Before he transferred to Bastoy, Petter was in a high-security prison for nearly eight years. “Here, they give us trust and responsibility,” he says. “They treat us like grownups.” I haven’t come here particularly to draw comparisons, but it’s impossible not to consider how politicians and the popular media would react to a similar scenario in Britain.

There are big differences between the two countries, of course. Norway has a population of slightly less than five million, a 12th of the UK’s. It has fewer than 4,000 prisoners; there are around 84,000 in the UK. But what really sets us apart is the Norwegian attitude towards prisoners. Four years ago I was invited into Skien maximum security prison, 20 miles north of Oslo. I had heard stories about Norway’s liberal attitude. In fact, Skien is a concrete fortress as daunting as any prison I have ever experienced and houses some of the most serious law-breakers in the country. Recently it was the temporary residence of Anders Breivik, the man who massacred 77 people in July 2011.

Despite the seriousness of their crimes, however, I found that the loss of liberty was all the punishment they suffered. Cells had televisions, computers, integral showers and sanitation. Some prisoners were segregated for various reasons, but as the majority served their time – anything up to the 21-year maximum sentence (Norway has no death penalty or life sentence) – they were offered education, training and skill-building programmes. Instead of wings and landings they lived in small “pod” communities within the prison, limiting the spread of the corrosive criminal prison subculture that dominates traditionally designed prisons. The teacher explained that all prisons in Norway worked on the same principle, which he believed was the reason the country had, at less than 30%, the lowest reoffending figures in Europe and less than half the rate in the UK.

As the ferry powers through the freezing early-morning fog, Petter tells me he is appealing against his conviction. If it fails he will be on Bastoy until his release date in two years’ time. I ask him what life is like on the island. “You’ll see,” he says. “It’s like living in a village, a community. Everybody has to work. But we have free time so we can do some fishing, or in summer we can swim off the beach. We know we are prisoners but here we feel like people.”

I wasn’t sure what to expect on Bastoy. A number of wide-eyed commentators before me have variously described conditions under which the island’s 115 prisoners live as “cushy”, “luxurious” and, the old chestnut, “like a holiday camp”. I’m sceptical of such media reports.

An inmate repairs a bike. Photograph: Marco Di Lauro

As a life prisoner, I spent the first eight years of the 20 I served in a cell with a bed, a chair, a table and a bucket for my toilet. In that time I was caught up in a major riot, trapped in a siege and witnessed regular acts of serious violence. Across the prison estate, several hundred prisoners took their own lives, half a dozen of whom I knew personally – and a number were murdered. Yet the constant refrain from the popular press was that I, too, was living in a “holiday camp”. When in-cell toilets were installed, and a few years later we were given small televisions, the “luxury prison” headlines intensified and for the rest of the time I was in prison, it never really abated.

It always seemed to me while I was in jail that the real prison scandal was the horrendous rate of reoffending among released prisoners. In 2007, 14 prisons in England and Wales had reconvictions rates of more than 70%. At an average cost of £40,000 a year for each prisoner, this amounts to a huge investment in failure – and a total lack of consideration for potential future victims of released prisoners. That’s the reason I’m keen to have a look at what has been hailed as the world’s first “human ecological prison”.

Thorbjorn, a 58-year-old guard who has worked on Bastoy for 17 years, gives me a warm welcome as I step on to dry land. As we walk along the icy, snowbound track that leads to the admin block, he tells me how the prison operates. There are 70 members of staff on the 2.6 sq km island during the day, 35 of whom are uniformed guards. Their main job is to count the prisoners – first thing in the morning, twice during the day at their workplaces, once en masse at a specific assembly point at 5pm, and finally at 11pm, when they are confined to their respective houses. Only four guards remain on the island after 4pm. Thorbjorn points out the small, brightly painted wooden bungalows dotted around the wintry landscape. “These are the houses for the prisoners,” he says. They accommodate up to six people. Every man has his own room and they share kitchen and other facilities. “The idea is they get used to living as they will live when they are released.” Only one meal a day is provided in the dining hall. The men earn the equivalent of £6 a day and are given a food allowance each month of around £70 with which to buy provisions for their self-prepared breakfasts and evening meals from the island’s well-stocked mini-supermarket.

I can see why some people might think such conditions controversial. The common understanding of prison is that it is a place of deprivation and penance rather than domestic comfort.

Prisoners in Norway can apply for a transfer to Bastoy when they have up to five years left of their sentence to serve. Every type of offender, including men convicted of murder or rape, may be accepted, so long as they fit the criteria, the main one being a determination to live a crime-free life on release.

I ask Thorbjorn what work the prisoners do on the island. He tells me about the farm where prisoners tend sheep, cows and chickens, or grow fruit and vegetables. “They grow much of their own food,” he says.

Other jobs are available in the laundry; in the stables looking after the horses that pull the island’s cart transport; in the bicycle repair shop, (many of the prisoners have their own bikes, bought with their own money); on ground maintenance or in the timber workshop. The working day begins at 8.30am and already I can hear the buzz of chainsaws and heavy-duty strimmers. We walk past a group of red phone boxes from where prisoners can call family and friends. A large building to our left is where weekly visits take place, in private family rooms where conjugal relations are allowed.

After the security officer signs me in and takes my mobile, Thorbjorn delivers me to governor Arne Nilsen’s office. “Let me tell you something,” Thorbjorn says before leaving me. “You know, on this island I feel safer than when I walk on the streets in Oslo.”

Through Nilsen’s window I can see the church, the school and the library. Life for the prisoners is as normal as it is possible to be in a prison. It feels rather like a religious commune; there is a sense of peace about the place, although the absence of women (apart from some uniformed guards) and children is noticeable. Nilsen has coined a phrase for his prison: “an arena of developing responsibility.” He pours me a cup of tea.

“In closed prisons we keep them locked up for some years and then let them back out, not having had any real responsibility for working or cooking. In the law, being sent to prison is nothing to do with putting you in a terrible prison to make you suffer. The punishment is that you lose your freedom. If we treat people like animals when they are in prison they are likely to behave like animals. Here we pay attention to you as human beings.”

A clinical psychologist by profession, Nilsen shrugs off any notion that he is running a holiday camp. I sense his frustration. “You don’t change people by power,” he says. “For the victim, the offender is in prison. That is justice. I’m not stupid. I’m a realist. Here I give prisoners respect; this way we teach them to respect others. But we are watching them all the time. It is important that when they are released they are less likely to commit more crimes. That is justice for society.”

The reoffending rate for those released from Bastoy speaks for itself. At just 16%, it is the lowest in Europe. But who are the prisoners on Bastoy? Are they the goodie-goodies of the system?

Hessle is 23 years old and serving 11 years for murder. “It was a revenge killing,” he says. “I wish I had not done it, but now I must pay for my crime.” Slight and fair-haired, he says he has been in and out of penal institutions since he was 15. Drugs have blighted his life and driven his criminality. There are three golden rules on Bastoy: no violence, no alcohol and no drugs. Here, he works in the stables tending the horses and has nearly four years left to serve. How does he see the future? “Now I have no desire for drugs. When I get out I want to live and have a family. Here I am learning to be able to do that.”

A convict works on Bastoy prison farm. Photograph: Marco Di Lauro

Hessle plays the guitar and is rehearsing with other prisoners in the Bastoy Blues Band. Last year they were given permission to attend a music festival as a support act that ZZ Top headlined. Bjorn is the band’s teacher. Once a Bastoy prisoner who served five years for attacking his wife in a “moment of madness”, he now returns once a week to teach guitar. “I know the potential for people here to change,” he says.

Formerly a social researcher, he has formed links with construction companies he previously worked for that have promised to consider employing band members if they can demonstrate reliability and commitment. “This is not just about the music,” he says, “it’s about giving people a chance to prove their worth.”

Sven, another band member, was also convicted of murder, and sentenced to eight years. The 29-year-old was an unemployed labourer before his conviction. He works in the timber yard and is waiting to see if his application to be “house father” in his five-man bungalow is successful. “I like the responsibility,” he says. “Before coming here I never really cared for other people.”

The female guard who introduces me to the band is called Rutchie. “I’m very proud to be a guard here, and my family are very proud of me,” she says. It takes three years to train to be a prison guard in Norway. She looks at me with disbelief when I tell her that in the UK prison officer training is just six weeks. “There is so much to learn about the people who come to prison,” she says. “We need to try to understand how they became criminals, and then help them to change. I’m still learning.”

Finally, I’m introduced to Vidor, who at 72 is the oldest prisoner on the island. He works in the laundry and is the house father of his four-man bungalow. I haven’t asked any of the prisoners about their crimes. The information has been offered voluntarily. Vidor does the same. He tells me he is serving 15 years for double manslaughter. There is a deep sadness in his eyes, even when he smiles. “Killers like me have nowhere to hide,” he says. He tells me that in the aftermath of his crimes he was “on the floor”. He cried a lot at first. “If there was the death penalty I would have said, yes please, take me.” He says he was helped in prison. “They helped me to understand why I did what I did and helped me to live again.” Now he studies philosophy, in particular Nietzsche. “I’m glad they let me come here. It is a healthy place to be. I’ll be 74 when I get out,” he says. “I’ll be happy if I can get to 84, and then just say: 'Bye-bye.’”

On the ferry back to the mainland I think about what I have seen and heard. Bastoy is no holiday camp. In some ways I feel as if I’ve seen a vision of the future – a penal institution designed to heal rather than harm and to generate hope instead of despair. I believe all societies will always need high-security prisons. But there needs to be a robust filtering procedure along the lines of the Norwegian model, in order that the process is not more damaging than necessary. As Nilsen asserts, justice for society demands that people we release from prison should be less likely to cause further harm or distress to others, and better equipped to live as law-abiding citizens.

It would take much political courage and social confidence to spread the penal philosophy of Bastoy outside Norway, however. In the meantime, I hope the decision-makers of the world take note of the revolution in rehabilitation that is occurring on that tiny island. (94)

[abripikuunah]

The Setting Sun

Pairing: Odazai (Oda Sakunosuke x Dazai Osamu) || Word Count: 2886 || Rating: Mature (Suicidal Thoughts)

Ao3

A/N :Finally this baby is done and I can finally rest in peace! BEAST was asking for it so here you go guys- MORE ANGST.But in all seriousness, I wanted to write for a long time after not writing for almost a year and BEAST came and when I saw Harukawa's illustrations, I knew I have to write BEAST!Dazai's character and express it with words. So I try to put myself in his shoes while writing his thoughts about Oda. I planned it to be simple 1500k words but my brain love giving myself pain so I ended up with 2500 more. Needless to say,it was painful af :/.Also there isn't a full translation yet so I might be incorrect with some actions and the setting if there is a full translation. The Setting Sun effect was inspired in the BEAST cover.

A possible illustration will show up in my twitter @AbriPikuuhnah (tumblr too prob) so stay tune for that I guess. But rn my eyes need rest so yep.

Comments and Criticism is very much appreciated and I want to here your thoughts! I hope you have enjoyed this fic <3.

Summary: Today is the fated day where Dazai will witness the last moments of his life. He did it, he made sure that this world won't be swept away in their existence, that everyone would get the ending they deserve. Especially his dear friend that would be able to finally live and write the novel in his dreams.He already talked to Odasaku for the first and last time but after saying all those selfish things, what more does he possibly want?

No matter…

The setting sun would be his audience and partner to execute the finale of the play.It was afternoon and the sun is about to set.

There's a sound of clapping followed by footsteps that could be heard and are now marching closer. The two men that were just fighting momentarily ago are now staring at the man clad in black, with the exception of the red scarf hanging from his neck. He continued to walk, but halted as he proceeded to tell the people in the roof about his plans, making no time to waste.

He then introduced them to the book who birthed them all into life. The book that granted his wishes into a reality. The book that allowed those black broken wings to sprout once more and grow more corrupted than before. A book where he held a pen of revolution to let his bloodied selfish heart write in it.

He told both Atsushi and Akutagawa the importance of the book and why it must be protected. That nobody else should touch it and nothing should be written in ‘it’.

‘Because this world would be destroyed.’

He then appointed the two young men to secure the book at all cost, therefore not giving them a chance to choose. But he knew they both value their own lives and did not wish to be erased from existence, that, he could let his manipulative mind to use.  After his proposal , he gave the book to his subordinate, Atsushi, whose eyes were disquieted in fear. The superior gave him a smile of assurance to the young boy, providing a cold comfort before walking towards the edge.

"D-Dazai-san." Atsushi mutters, a hand reaching out, "It's dangerous over there. Please step away from the-",  but before he could finish his sentence, the boss tilt his head slightly to hint a small curve tugged in the corner of his lips, eyes still hollow as ever.

"Atsushi-kun.” he calls, and stops momentarily before directly meeting his gaze, serious , breathed an heavy weight in it’s depressing color. “Don't tell anyone about the book. Not even Kyouka-chan."

Before Atsushi had the chance to open his mouth and ask the obvious question, he was interrupted again. A sigh expels out of his superior’s lips followed by a warning they both needed to heed.

"If there are three people that have the knowledge of this books true existence, the world itself would cease to exist." he admits and let those words echoes back, giving Atsushi the full message, and he knew what they mean very well. Without saying a word, he restrained himself from grabbing his boss from the dangerous edge.

The boss turned his face towards the city he owns. He’s looking towards the world his dirted hands created. The world he built and worked hard for, sacrificed almost, no, everything from his previous self for its sake.

Two pairs of eyes trailed behind him. While Dazai knew Akutagawa had no plans to save him, Atsushi’s eyes are in pain, as they were only able to watch his superior started walking closer to death's door. Dazai’s body swayed while going towards the edge, the taps of his steps though, is deafening. As he felt the sun beckoning him closer. He also felt that the world seems to stop. Everything went into a slow painstakingly motion and only his rapid thoughts dances around mercilessly.

He still revels into it nonetheless.

The wind seems to only have the freedom to move solemnly as it caressed his exposed skin. He doesn't want to wait if he has a choice, he is impatient and death is already welcoming him . He wanted to asked the damn gods why not just let him fall off and perish already to finally burst down these emotions that has been bottling up his chest in the cold ground like asphalt.

But he doesn't complain.

Dazai… does admires the sight showing its behold . The dusk reminds him the reason why he did all of this in the first place, why this cruel and unfair yet giving world existed and hoped that it perpetually keep moving on its wake.

"Odasaku!"

A voice laughs in the back of Dazai's mind.

"Are you admiring the setting sun again?"

‘Ah, again’ he thought.

His constant habit of reminiscing starts once more.

It was like this time again, where the two of them are at the docks, wandering aimlessly where they let their conversations and idle topics leads them to wherever place they ended up to, not caring about the society in a whole. Somehow, along the way , they landed in the pier, where they were just in time to witness sundown.They watched while admiring it as it slowly started to sink deep into the ocean.

"It is beautiful is it not?" He hums, looking at the older man next to him expectantly.

“It is.” Oda simply replied, nothing more, nothing less.

But regretfully now,  Dazai knew that there’s more deep inside his thoughts. He knew that there’s a reserved blank canvas of Oda’s mind, a place for him paint the sunset with words, carefully crafted words and would make the downfall of the day more alluring than Dazai could comprehend.

Dazai couldn't keep count over how many days had passed since he last saw Odasaku’s warm gaze comfort him. It has been so long that it became nothing more but a distant memory that is just close to his depths of his scarred heart.

His sight is completely set on the scarlet sky, appreciating the way how the setting sun bids goodbye to him. He still wonders until today what kind of words are blooming in his mind. Odasaku never said he wanted to become a writer, until everything was too late. But Dazai remembered clearly when he started to think what does he write inside of his sentimental thoughts.

‘They're surely beautiful.’

And Dazai doesn’t feel anything else but to agree.

His rusty eyes are now transfixed to its changing hues of reds and purples of the late afternoon sky that are followed by the darkness of the night.

If you ask Dazai, however, of how he would describe the dusk , it would depend on which type of person he’s with. Like the series of masks he has, he will give you a different answer as well.

But if you honestly want to see the true answer that's been etched deep inside of him,  it would've been…

“It looks a lot like you, Odasaku.” He says offhandedly.

Oda looked at him, like his word popped him out of his bubble.

Wide eyes stared at the young executive while the said man kept his gaze and purposely not looking at the red head, or else he might falter to let out a laugh. But the taller,  blinks, “I see.” he breathed out and let themselves basked in the welcoming sounds of the crashing waves and watched the crepuscule.

“I mean it by the way. “ he muttered out.

And he truly does .

Dazai can fathom a lot of reasons why, from the obvious one of how the shades of red surrounded the sun that could easily be compared to his paprika hair . How the sunset flares also reminds him of Oda’s eyes that glows with a determined passion to provide and show the light.

To Dazai, he is his light, his sun. The one who provides warmth of the day and shows the beauty and grace of the never ending sky from dusk and dawn.

But the setting sun seems to fit him the best.

Not because of Oda’s features, for he just said that he is the sun himself. He realizes that it's mainly because even the time of the sunset is limited itself. As long the sun doesn’t drown deeper in the horizon, it’s your last chance to for you to be leaded back home before the shadows covers your way and be swallowed by the night.

In his previous lives, that’s exactly what happened. Before he was consumed by the abyss of hell, Oda came and became his sunset. His last chance to leave the darkness and live towards the life filled with a bittersweet light. And he took it willingly.

Now however, he doesn’t reach for it.

He strays away. Away so there won’t be any sunset to fill the hollow sky or to witness it slowly goes away again and again in his eyes. There won't be a sun to provide a day and afternoon but only a haunted starless night will be present in this life. His lip quirked into a frown before moving his eyes away from the setting sun and drifted his field of vision to the farthest surface of the earth his eyes could reach instead.

God, he keeps thinking about him too much. It hurts, it hurts too bad to miss him terribly, terribly so and the setting sun doesn’t do anything to help. His fist clenches, he then look towards the gap and finds the lonesome ground waiting for him.

Every recollection he has of them that he yearned very terribly started to plague him mind. It must be because he already decided, that this would be the fated day he would die. Death that he mourned for so many year is finally within arms reach. Maybe that's why the his world decided to drag time and let Dazai bask himself with these painful memories.

It's doesn't sound wrong.

He knows that his world thrives on schadenfreude towards it and manipulates his own corrupted being.  But he let's it, he let's this sadistic life of his toy with the masochistic devil inside of him like a puppet once more. But ironically,  he hates pain. He hates these abrasions that are gripping his insides torturously that he desperate wished that he had a knife for to stab himself to be relieved from the agony.

But he still continues. He willingly delves deeper in a past that would never be reversed by his own hands despite the power he has.  And he relives them, no matter how it make him feel like throwing up, he relives to them, even if it breaks him slowly . He relives them,  because in the clarity of its cruelty , beside it was beauty and color.

And it was addicting.

The phenomenon light rays scatter, bursting beautiful shades out of the scarlet sky.  Oda did just that in Dazai's own monochromatic life. In the midst of death and violence, the quiet comfort,  futile conversation they had at Lupin was enough to tint his sights to see the colors in his life. Sure it doesn't satisfy the lonely hole he has, nothing will ever will, but it doesn't also mean he won't value the things they did. He had something for him to hold on into and let these selfish desires have a purpose. This last moment of his, how he's constantly thinking of him proves that alone.

He believes that it made him human .

“So Odasaku, how was your job?”

“How are you holding up, Odasaku?”

“ Odasaku are you alright?”

“Odasaku-”

Odasaku, Odasaku ,Odasaku-

As his voices started compiling in his mind, filling it like replacing the oxygen in his body, the overwhelming asphyxiation invading his sense. His thoughts kept chanting his name like a mad prayer.

“Why are you so obsessed protecting this world?” Akutagawa's voice snaps him out of his thoughts.

Why?

Dazai kept himself from scoffing bitterly,

The answer is simple.

“This is the only world where he reads and writes a novel.”

The last ray of sunlight is about to came into close. He has to go soon and join the beautiful sun to drown themselves in the shadows of Yokohama. City lights however, are coming, not letting the shadows around Yokohama conquer every structures. It's a bit poetic really. Atsushi and Akutagawa are the world's new light, they would protect the book and will ensure it's safety.

But the tall building of the dark Port Mafia’s shadows is enough to consume him whole and take his sins and finally be punished.

Come and think about it,

It was afternoon and the sun is about to set at that fateful day .

He unconsciously brought himself back at the time where he held Odasaku’s dying body in his arms. The last glow of his skin that was seeping away life along with his warmth. The moment where Odasaku gave out his last breath and told him things that let Dazai walk towards the path of light.

‘Save the weak, and protect the orphans.’

Dazai turns around and faces the two once more. He could feel the heat wrapping around his body. It feels too nostalgic as the warmth that lingers in the corners of his body, as if tantalizing it to be Odasaku’s warmth that he will never experience again and will yearn forever in the eternity of the ice piercing death.

He lets out a shaky laugh.

He first looks at the detective. Despite being used to see him clothed in black, Dazai couldn't help but admit that the lighter colors suited Akutagawa well . It felt like the weight has been carried in his shoulders are lesser and more breathable than his other selves have.Odasaku really did patiently teach him as there's a light that are now reflected in his eyes.

He then looks at Atsushi.  He can't deny the fact that he did hurt him with his manipulative tendencies,  in fact it did worsen the undeserving broken boy at all. But it was for the sake of this world. He cannot apologize. After all, in the end, he guaranteed that Atsushi would be bathed in the light once more just like his other selves were and probably a little bit more better.

He cannot justify himself for the despicable crimes he committed in this timeline. But in the end, just like he said,  he will take all of these sins with him and purge them in the deserving punishment they would receive.

No one would forget his crimes, but they will all move on to a better rail.

Atleast, he could say that he still fulfilled the oath he vowed that day,  just in his own twisted way.

The only thing that's changed was that he fixed the fate and let the true deserving person to die in front of the setting sun.

‘Me’

Unlike him , the one who truly values human life and settled his heart in the right place will continue on living . The world where Odasaku is living in the light and will shine others paths in the right direction and claim his well worth legacy.

Even the Agency and to the others he has somewhat cared for…

Will at least be happy or content, even without him.

“I can't let a world like that disappear.” he finally says as he let's the last chapter of his life come into close.

Maybe the agency and the others who knew him in the previous life will mock him at how stupid he is.

That's fine.

Maybe the other Odasaku's in the different worlds would be disappointed at him…

…

The wind strengthen and his body felt light and was tilted towards the back as he was pushed and fell.

“This is it,” He mutters as the adrenaline in his body pumped faster by each matter of second, “The moment I've been waiting for. I looked forward to it, truly…” And he smiles with closing those tired eyes and expel every burnt out emotions.

Like that, peace was glazed in his face.

And like that, he finds a dream inside those lids.

“I only have one regret.” He unconsciously says.

In a soundless dream, he sees Odasaku inside of a kitchen, holding a pen, a manuscript resting in his table. He wonders what type of novels he will write? Then it dawned on him,

“I can't read the novel he would one day complete.” He breathed out as he can hear the rushing wind kept chanting for death.

It truly is a shame, “I… I regret that a little now.” He says as he kept picturing Odasaku writing the novel he longs to tell. The light has faded,  the world was gone, Dazai numbed his senses as he stopped caring about anything anymore.

Except him .

He can see it but not perfectly, as his face was blurred out in his imagination.

What would Odasaku expression be? Would he be confused? Tired? Was there a smile curved in his lips? Are his soft eyes glowing with thoughts as he will write down to convey a story into life?

Before he met total darkness, he wants to imagine and see Odasaku's face one last time.

He wants to open his eyes once more to look at the setting sun that resembles a man name Oda Sakaunosuke .

He took a deep breath.

.

.

.

But when he open his eyes it all went black.

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 15

POV: John Deacon x reader

Notes: ongoing fic; we have a tag list, let me know if you want on that shit.

Warnings: flirting? Touching? Swearing?

Abstract: John Deacon and reader get a feel for an automobile; Deacy wishes the night would last forever.

     After expressing your address, you found yourself lost in thought, unable to look away from John Deacon. Lucky for you, considering he wasn’t in a position to get away from your gaze. He particularly enjoyed the attention and had no desire to escape your attentions, however. Deacy’s beauty was under-appreciated, you thought. His hair, quite honestly resisted gravity and all logic. You wondered if he liked his hair color, its texture, its style; he seemed to change his look enough, so it was hard to know for sure. This was indicative of a person who cared about either what others thought or took pride in themselves, or were insecure. Not necessarily bad characteristics. You thought people who genuinely didn’t care what others thought were liars outright. Though, someone who took care in how they looked for reasons of self-empowerment was admirable. And, as for feeling insecure, well, you knew exactly what that was like.

     Would it be easier to just voice all these thoughts, rather than keeping them silent, and looking for hints? Hoping he’d drop a clue here or there to let you know what was on his mind? Was this disingenuous? You couldn’t decide. When was too early to ask everything you wanted to know about a person? Would it scare them away? You didn’t want to scare him away. And you had just met tonight. Perhaps it was better to stay silent.

     You contemplated his cheekbones. Also underrated. They were not overly pointy cheekbones, more joyous than anything else. You found them at their best when he was smiling or laughing; the way the light glinted off them when he laughed at something you said, grinning at the attention, it made his face glow with excited passion and keen interest. And they weren’t better than yours, which made you feel better about yourself in a self-loathing insecure way you hated.

     What did it mean to be in a relationship when you were insecure, you thought? Was there a such thing as a person who wasn’t insecure? Especially at the start of dating? So much goes unsaid, so much you become blind to, there’s so much you willfully ignore. What does it mean to be honest in a relationship? Is it possible? You thought so, but, then again, here you were with a man you thoroughly enjoyed and you couldn’t even bring yourself to voice your concerns, questions, and desires. You wanted to be blunt, unabashed, and just say what was on your mind, but you didn’t know how to start.

     So, you kept looking at him, unashamed at least in the knowledge you had a certain right to gaze at a man who had made you climax during your first sexual encounter together.

     Most women, you found, lied about their ability to orgasm. It was a telling sign between someone younger and older; younger women tended to brag about their ability to cum every single time during sex with a man, yet the man never seems to use more than his dick. This was not a common recipe for a woman’s orgasm. Older women tended to be a bit more frank and realistic when it came to sex. And though you were by no means near 30, you also weren’t as close to 20 as you had once been. Deacy, an older man, certainly understood the key to a woman’s orgasm usually has nothing to do his dick and had everything to do with her mind. This made him, in your mind, a considerate and fantastic lover. You couldn’t wait to sample more.

     But you would wait. That was part of the game for you. And you knew well enough it was part of the game for him, too. Deacy wanted a woman who would play the game, and it was a game you lived for. You wondered how long it would take to reach peak sexual chemistry together, and what it would feel like the first time you archived your orgasms at the same time. You didn’t know much about what he liked himself. What you had gathered from him at your first encounter was that he enjoyed a light form of power exchange that excited you in ways you hadn’t expected. It wasn’t always easy to find someone who instinctively knew what you wanted, whom you were compatible with regarding what you liked in the bedroom, and who cared more about your pleasure than his own. Maybe that last part wasn’t entirely accurate. What had he said right after? He implied he had had as much pleasure as you had had simply by giving you pleasure, or witnessing your pleasure. No one ever did anything selflessly in bed; there was always a currency exchange occurring. As long as the foundation was reciprocity, everything ran like clockwork. You certainly wanted to find out more about him and his desires. To do that, however, you’d have to find a way past your insecure mouth and say something. You wished sex was as easy to discuss with a new partner as cats or dogs? Chinese or Italian food?

     John Deacon wanted to know everything about you. He wondered what your life was like. When did you wake up in the morning? What did you look like? You snored, he thought, clutching the wheel tighter than necessary. It was a scrap of information he was clinging to in order to convince himself he really knew you so he didn’t feel so silly about how deeply his feelings for you were already growing. Was he being a fool, he pondered? At almost 32 he definitely thought he had a good grasp on who he was and what he wanted, maybe for the first time in his life. He was a man with pretty clear dual natures. The silent and sassy rock-star, who could command the attention of hundreds of fans with the plucking of a few strings. Then there was the surly outcast who felt alone in a room full of people, felt categorically misunderstood by half the people he met, and wanted desperately to make a connection with someone who saw this, acknowledged it, and was willing to live with it and be his equal partner in it. One side was ultimately dominate and the other inherently, shyly confident and determined to be who he was and fuck the rest; but which was which? Who would get that constant internal power struggle, and would anyone want to put up with the game of it all? Were you that person? Did you already understand it?

     He couldn’t fully tell. You had stood up for yourself during that horrid fight with Roger, which was surprising and a huge relief. Deacy didn’t want some person who couldn’t speak her mind. It seemed that even if you didn’t always say what was on your mind, you were at least capable of doing it. Why didn’t you more often, he questioned? You had also been more than willing to play during sex; people were more genuinely themselves during sex than any other time you’d see them. So, he figured that was a good indication of who you were, of the person you tried so hard to keep hidden away. Deacy thought the real you was hidden, maybe even in the same why he hid himself; out of necessity. Though why you felt you had to do this, he had no idea. You were insecure and smart and so shockingly tender while maintaining a steel wall around your inner heart. A paradox, like himself, he thought.

     What was it is like to be as sexually explicit and upfront as Roger, Deacy wondered? He was the most honest person Deacy he ever met. Sure, Brian was honest and true, but he didn’t always reveal everything about himself; Roger did and to a fault. You always knew what you were getting with Roger, and Deacy admired that. Sure he was an annoying twat, but he was also an especially true friend because of that special no holds barred brand of honesty. Roger was so comfortable regarding his sexual desires and romantic interests, he’d work it into everyday conversations. Nothing would get in the way of Roger getting what he wanted. Deacy, frequently, was his own worst enemy in this respect. He tried to spare his romantic partners from painful truths or criticisms or awkwardness; this was an issue, and had proven to be a contributing reason why many of his past relationships had ended. Paradoxically, he figured sparing his partners pain would keep them safe, happy, and willing to stay. To them, however, it seemed that he was being dishonest, two-faced, and--worst of all--mistrusting of them. Roger, even though he seemed instinctively reluctant to enter a lasting, permanent relationship, never had an issue with his honesty, because no one ever stayed around long enough to see it as a fault. Deacy wasn’t even so sure it would end up being a fault for Roger—he was almost too charming to have his faults noticed. What would it be like to have the security and freedom of being honest in a relationship? To have a partner who wanted honesty, and could stand it, and not falter because of it? Most people claimed to want that level of biting honesty, but never really ended up treasuring it in the end. Maybe it was impossible to win, he thought.

     Could you be the one I’ve been searching for, Y/N? Deacy couldn’t stop thinking this one thought. Were you it? Could you handle me? Could you know me, and let me know you? Inside and out?

     You were staring at his lips and hands, back and forth, you allowed your eyes to flick to them at your leisure. His fingers were so long, and probably made him the proficient musician he was. His smile was wide and his lips were so captivating; full and like his eyes easy to sparkle. His hands had been all over your body tonight, almost inside you; close to penetration but never quite there. He was such a tease, but delivered the goods in the end in his own way. He wanted to give you everything while keeping a secret for himself. His vulnerability was guarded.

     Why weren’t you talking? Say something? Here you are, together, alone. Take your chance. Now or never.

     “Have you always been a paradox, John Deacon?” You asked, tracing shapes on his knee.

     “Yes, I have. It isn’t easy to put up with, I realize.” John said sheepishly. “If I can’t keep something for myself I feel...invisible. Empty. Unsure.”

     “Can you ever completely know a person?” You wondered aloud.

     “I would say no. A person could get close to it, if you’re very lucky and very transparent. You’d have to trust each other. I find some blasted way to be quite close, quite vulnerable.”

     “Hard conditions to achieve.” You reasoned.

     “Yes, but not impossible.”

     You took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to do this if I have to hide myself from you.”

     He looked at you as long as he could spare while driving. Your green eyes met his grey ones. It was a moment of truth, loud and undeniable. Would he cross the Rubicon with you, or stay stranded on the other side?  

     You continued, “I’ve done that before. Made that mistake before. It’s only ever made my relationships fail. I won’t do it again. I need to be in the driver’s seat, active in my own life. I don’t want to be the only one in charge; I want dual driver’s seats, if that makes sense?”

     “Roger would like that.” Deacy laughed, noticing his palms were sweating.

     “Would you like that? Do you like that?” You decided to push him for an answer. If you were gonna lay your cards on the table and ask the hard questions, you deserved the same in return.

     “I do. I want you to be open with me. Like you are now. You’ve been holding back all night, whether because of me or something in you, I’m not sure. I want you to feel like you can tell me everything. And I want you to actually do it.”

     “Would you be able to do the same for me? Be just as upfront, always?”

     “Isn’t ‘always’ a fallacy?”

     “Isn’t that something someone says when they want permission to lie?”

     He laughed in surprise and joyful fascination at your honesty. “I will be myself with you to the best of my abilities. I will share the truth with you, I will be honest; I cannot promise I’ll be fair, or entirely likable or conventionally nice.”

     “You are nice, John.”

     “Bri says I’m the only person he knows who can destroy someone in two sentences or less.”

     “You have bite.”

     “Is that a request?” He waggled his eyebrows at you.

     “It might be. I have a fair amount of bite, too.”

     “Is that a warning?”

     “It might be.”

     You both laughed. There was a silence, though not uncomfortable.

     “I fear who I am is designed around who I am in public and who I am in private, and I dread that I can no longer distinguish between them.”

     “Is this a rare moment of your mask slipping to the side?”

     “It might be.” He smiled. You were playing with each other now, but it was more than that; he was testing the waters, seeing if he could scare you away in a more subtle way than the fight with Roger had been. “I’m not sure which one is the real me anymore.”

     “I’d hazard a guess it’s a bit more complicated than one being you and one being a lie.”

     Deacy thought that was exceptionally perceptive of you. “Where do you go to university?”

     “How did you know I was in school?” You asked, more curious than surprised.

     “I figured you weren’t quite finished yet.”

     “I’m at Oxford.”

     “Studying music?”

     “Yes.” You confirmed. “Why are you interested in dating someone younger?” Everyone in the world knew how old the members of Queen were.

     “I’m not.” He said. There was a tone of finality to it. Your stomach dropped through the floor of the car and was probably ran over by its back tires. “I’m interested in dating someone who understands me, or who could understand me. If you were 43 instead of 22 or 23, I’d still be here, driving you home, in this moment together, negotiating our future together.”

     “Good answer,” you said, able to swallow and breath again, instantly feeling better. “Do you know those moments in romantic films? Where the guy says something and the girl says something back? Then they’ll close in on the guy or the girl, but no one says anything because it’s assumed the conversation is over?”

     “Yes, I think so.”

     “You see, what’s on there faces is the real conversation they should be having. It’s whatever they thought when the silence starts that really says what they wanted to say more than what they actually said. Does that make sense? God, I’m not making sense.”

     “It does. What you’re saying is these couples who think they’re having a heart-to-heart aren’t really. They believe they’ve had one because they said ‘I love you’ for the first time or something like that. But immediately after the conversation these people are thinking something in reaction to what was said, and because they never voice whatever those thoughts were, they’re missing the point?”

     “Exactly! If they went on to voice what they were thinking right after that pronouncement, whether it's ‘I didn’t know you thought the same, felt the same’ or ‘you’ve made me so unbelievably happy I could sing loud enough to wake the dead’ that’s the real conversation! that’s the real feelings behind the I love you. But they always skip that part. No one ever just says what they’re thinking when it matters the most. And we can’t read their minds, so we have no idea what they were thinking, and neither do their partners. It infuriates me.”

     “You’ve just ruined Casablanca for me forever.”

     “Let’s never be those people.”

     “What the people who ruin their relationships by hiding behind their words and thinking they’re saying what they mean but aren’t?”

     “Precisely. Or I get out of this car right now while we're speeding along.”

     “If you do that, I’ll have to jump out after you. I’d never hear the end of it from Roger. ‘Ruined another car,’ he’d say. ‘Shocking. You’ll do anything to keep a girl around, mate.’”

     “Are you doing it already?”

     “Yes,” he sighed, “And now that I’ve started I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about you. All night. From the moment I saw you, all I could do was think about you. What your name was; if you liked to dance; what you’d smell like; if you liked dogs; if you preferred winter over spring; if I wasn’t famous if you’d like me, see me, want me; it all roped back to you. Every thought I had. I couldn’t stop it from happening even if I wanted to. And I assure you, I don’t want to stop thinking about you. You lassoed me, you have me.”

     “I kept thinking” you said slowly, “all night how ridiculous this was. Feeling so drawn you, wanting to know you, to figure you out, you puzzle of a man, to understand you and have you understand me. Everything you were sang to me the second you touched my hand, and I was hooked. But we had just met and I kept thinking I was insane.”

     You were pulling up to your apartment. You didn’t know how you got here, but you had. “It’s that one on the right.”

     “Right.” Deacy pulled over, and parked the car. “I know you said nothing else tonight, and I respect that. However, if I don’t at least see you to your door, I’ll regret it all day until I see you again.”

     “Alright.” You said happily. “In the spirit of our negotiations, I have an unconventional proposition...”

     “I’m listening.”

     “We could try sleeping next to each other, but not sleep together. I know I’m not the best at sleeping next to someone else, but I’d like to try it again with you. If you’d like to, that is? I’d understand if you just wanted to go home and sleep in your own bed. Nothing is as good as that, but now I’m rambling. So?”

     But John Deacon had removed the key from the ignition already, bewitched at the notion of holding you close; he couldn’t bear to leave you there.

Tag List: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum @obsessedwithrogertaylor @richiethotzierz @groupiie-love @partydulce @sophierobisonartfoundationblr @psychostarkid @teathymewithben @smittyjaws @just-ladyme @botinstqueen @mydogisthebest @little-welsh-wonder @maxjesty @deakysdiscos @yourealegendroger @marvellouspengwing @molethemollie

[the-bounce-back]

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART I - CONFIDENCE IN THE WORKPLACE

First of all… yes, I know I said I’d spend more time writing and have this out a week after my previous post. But to be honest… I say a lot of things, and a lot of those things are pure rubbish. I’m here now, stop crying.

I’m joking, before anyone gets triggered. Life really just kept getting in the way - word to my girl Gabriella Montez. There’s been a lot going on that has had me in my feelings, and as mentioned in earlier posts I don’t particularly like writing when I’m feeling like I want to get hit by a bus. But hey, on the bright side it’s given me loads of topic ideas to write about at a later stage, so, you know… silver linings and that.

Anyways. As mentioned briefly in my previous post, I have decided to do a series of posts entirely dedicated to building your self-confidence in different aspects in life. The series will consist of five slightly shorter “bite-sized” posts, that will outline various methods, mindsets, exercises and thought processes to apply to everyday life - all of which have been crucial to myself in my own confidence jOuRnEy.

I’ve decided to do this series for a whole load of reasons, the main ones being the following:

1. For the first time in my adult life I can genuinely say that I am getting to be comfortable with who I am, what I’m doing and where I’m going (for the most part) - a feeling that I genuinely want others to experience as well.

2. Unlearning years of self-hate, constant self-criticism and your brain telling you that you’re not worthy enough/smart enough/good enough to achieve what you want to achieve is a disgustingly long and heartbreaking task. I really wish I had something to guide me along the way, but I think I’ll find comfort in knowing that someone might read this and not feel as alone during their own process.

3. Although we all have insecurities about different things, that sh*t can really isolate us and make us feel abnormal and alone. I’m hoping that writing about how I overcame/am in the process of overcoming my insecurities will aid in destigmatising these kind of feelings as a whole.

With that being said, my first post in this series will be about confidence in the workplace. Starting with the easy stuff, so to speak.

I realised recently that it’s been quite a while since I’ve given any kind of indication of how work is going, which is actually one of the main reasons why I relocated to London in the first place. My previous posts discuss a lot of the anxiety leading up to it, and my post about giving yourself accolades (again, read it here because it’s some of my best work) discusses how I forced myself to cast my humility aside in my job interview to appear more confident. This post will kind of be an elaboration on this, as I have settled in to my role and have developed this confidence further.

I’ve been at this job for a little over four months now, and a lot has changed since I was sat there in that interview making myself come across as I had Kanye levels of self-confidence and like I wasn’t absolutely bricking it. Despite it probably being the maddest test of my resilience to stress and pressure since exam season in 3rd year, I really am enjoying it in the sense that I am being challenged on a daily basis, I have a lot of freedom in terms of how I organise my work, and I have excellent means to stay motivated to keep working towards a promotion. As far as what I was rambling on about in my interview goes - this is exactly what I wanted from my new role.

However - as I should have anticipated, expectations almost definitely always significantly stray from reality. I think that the largest reason for my confidence wavering a few weeks into the position was definitely due to the shock of how different it was from the expectations I had conjured up in my head, and there was a period of a few weeks where I seriously started to question if I was cut out for this type of work. Consider your girl humbled.

I think the biggest shock was how fast-paced, loud and energised the working environment was - this is obviously a good thing, but considering the way both my mental state and general energy levels have been these past few months I think it’s all just been quite overwhelming, and probably ended up making me feel like I didn’t have the drive and motivation required to be successful within the organisation.

In other words… I was having a bit of a weak-b*tch-with-an-inferiority-complex moment. How embarrassing and sauceless.

Anyways, that’s all over now - I’ve been able to reevaluate my approach to the role and how to tAkE cOnTrOl of my situation by establishing a few things to be mindful of while I’m at work - small things that have really made a big difference for me, and might be able to help you feel more secure and confident in your role, too.

1, Remember that everyone there has been in your position.

So you all know by now that I’m a sucker for clichés - because they’re always true. On my first day at my new job I felt so intimidated by the size of the office, the amount of employees, the fact that my senior sales manager literally sits two desks away from me… literally everything felt so overwhelming. Not necessarily in a bad way, but my mind was definitely in overdrive from the vast amount of information. That, along with my insecurities of being the New Person™ and not knowing anything about the lingual services industry - and having to have a 1on1 meeting with the regional director within 3 hours of being in the office.

What got me through that first week of awkwardness and feeling like a complete idiot was constantly reiterating to myself that I’m definitely not the first and definitely not the last to be in this position, that I will learn tHe RoPeS over time and that we all have to start somewhere. I know this doesn’t sound like a ground-breaking epiphany, but as someone that is used to understanding/catching on to to things very quickly, not knowing what the f*ck was going on definitely swayed my confidence at the time. I used to proper hate being the only person not knowing how things work, and constantly having to ask for help - but I’ve managed to flip it around and make it a confidence booster, instead. This, in the sense that I’ve acknowledged my drive and determination to not be the clueless new person, and to excel within my field by asking loads of questions and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Doing this successfully has definitely made me more secure and appreciative of my learning abilities, and this confidence definitely hasn’t gone unnoticed by upper management.

This even relates back to points made in previous posts - learning to be kind and patient with yourself and learning to not freak out when you’re not in control of a situation. Additionally, I confidently leaned on one of my main selling points that I discovered when evaluating my suitability for this kind of job - my ability to learn new things fast, and my ability to adapt to a new situation.

Look at me, taking my own advice for once. You know what that is? Growth. I have to stan.

2. Eliminate tentativeness when you communicate with others - regardless of seniority.

This is definitely a psychological aspect of confidence more than anything. Regardless of if you work in a soulless corporation or one of those mOdErN organisations that swears that they don’t have a hierarchical structure, chances are you have a person or multiple people that you report to.

I began to notice that the combination of not being knowledgeable of this industry and now having to report directly to senior managers that have been in the industry for over a decade made me feel very insecure about having to ask for help or even asking questions in general, because I felt that I was wasting their valuable time with things that I felt that I should have known already. As in, really industry-specific things that would’ve been really weird if I had known them at the time.

To combat this feeling, I forced myself to remember that these senior managers - after stripping away their years of experience, industry knowledge and fancy titles - are human as well, and definitely were in my position at some point. Remembering that even the CEO was once a bumbling and confused idiot like myself at one point definitely aided me in seeing the bigger picture - that without investing in recruitment, training and mentoring of new people, the future of the company is literally f*cked. The recognition of this fact definitely almost eliminated my inferiority complex, and I was able to see senior managers as equals with a lot of valuable advice and knowledge, instead of these terrifying looming dementors that were waiting for me to mess up and fire me.

So, how does this relate to eliminating tentativeness when communicating with others?

I’m glad you asked. In corporate settings, internal communication and project coordination is predominantly done over emails, and where I work almost all communications have senior managers in cc in order to provide visibility into what is happening - good or bad. Obviously I could go on for ages about how to feel more confident in having so many high-up people within the company watching your every move, but really and truly there’s only one thing that I’ve been doing that I feel is worth mentioning:

I removed the word “just” from my vocabulary.

That is, in the context of when I’m asking a question or asking for help, e.g.:

“I’m just wondering if…”

“I’m just double checking that…”

“I just wanted to ask…”

If you read those beginnings of sentences out loud, you’ll probably hear that using the word “just” inserts a sense of tentativeness, submissiveness and insecurity in one's own knowledge. Furthermore, it makes you come across as apologetic for doing your job properly or asking questions - which is obviously ridiculous.

I’m know that removing the word “just” from my vocabulary probably has little to no effect on how upper management sees me, but that’s not really the point here. The point is that when I make a conscious effort to not utilise the word, I’m very self-aware in the sense that I’m choosing to come across as more assertive and confident - which has lead me to feel more comfortable when I’m communicating with those higher up in the organisation than me.

It’s a very small change, but it has definitely affected my confidence and assertiveness in my role. The power of a simple word, eh? The mind boggles.

3. Evaluate exactly what you want to get out of this job, and do something every day that will get you closer to this goal.

This is definitely the most important point for me. For the first time in my life, I’m in a job that I genuinely see myself staying at and progressing within - and there’s plenty of opportunities, concrete targets and support to keep me motivated enough to keep grinding towards a promotion. I genuinely want to excel within the company (at least for the time being - who knows how I’ll feel a few months down the line?), and the feeling of being sure of that has made me a lot more confident alone.

Of course, not everyone is at a stage in their career where they feel like a promotion within the company they work for is the ultimate goal. The fact of the matter is that some jobs are solely means to an end for other unrelated goals, like saving up for something or to get work experience for the job you actually want. Either way, I strongly believe that knowing the purpose for even going to work every day in the first place gives you this deep-rooted determination, motivation and resilience to workplace bullsh*t that ends up manifesting itself as confidence.

Put it this way - if you know exactly what you are working towards in this specific role, there really shouldn’t be anything that can sway you from achieving this (assuming that you want it enough). Going into work on at least a majority of days (because let’s face it, sometimes you just want to have a chill at work) with a mission of doing something that will get you closer to your goal will not only help you stay focused on completing the tasks, but will also give you the ability to not let minor conflicts and “hiccups” along the way get to you. Trust me, you won’t even have the energy to worry about what other people are doing - and personally speaking, being this set in your own lane does wonders for feeling insecure.

Of course, it is slightly difference for those who aren’t entirely sure what their next move is, and that are doing a job for the sole purpose of paying bills and staying fed. I feel that a lot of people - myself in the past included - let the lack of direction really get to them and end up in a very destructive rut of just existing without finding their purpose, and letting it break down their self-esteem along the way. However, I honestly feel that being in this kind of position can - and should - be seen as an opportunity for growth and fInDiNg YoUrSelF outside of work. Yes, figuring out what you want to do is incredibly daunting, but I think that we often make the mistake in assuming that the path we choose is the path we have to stay on for the rest of our lives. No pressure.

With that being said, working a job you don’t care about can still be empowering and confidence-boosting in the sense that you know for a fact that once you know what you want to do, you can easily just walk away from it without feeling that you’ve made a mistake. There is something very powerful in knowing that you can just drop everything and leave at any second as soon as you’ve had enough of it, and I’ve even promised myself to apply this to my current job if I ever change my mind about it. Life’s too short to do sh*t you don’t want to do.

Anyways, there you have it - three mindsets that I’ve applied to my career plans that have made me feel a lot more confident when making decisions in the workplace. Hopefully you’ve been able to take something away from it, and that you know that you’re capable of achieving anything you wish to pursue career-wise if you’re willing to put in hard work, and committed to being happy with the direction your life is going.

Love,

Liv