#i wish i had been better for her. and for the other dogs ive had too

[1aceinspace]

Hscfgvjdgs its finally done and it only took me.. nearly 2 months... ☠☠

It was all worth it tho; it was a surprise commission gift for one the owners, and its 2 pups i used to take care of a lot. They have a special place in my heart and it brought me a lot of joy to paint their cute little faces :^]

[grimmthorne]

i had a dream abt a dog and now ik why :(

[sunrise-imagines]

Hiii, I love your fionna and cake hcs summer! Could you possibly write some dating headcanons for Fionna? She's so girlfailure and I love that for her 😍

FINALLYYYYY IVE BEEN WAITING FOR FIONNA ASKS! Enjoy!

TW: Mention of vomit I guess, it’s only like one little line towards the end

Fionna Campbell x Reader Relationship Headcanons

• My god please help her clean her apartment. The first time you came to her place it was literally the “Damn bitch, you live like this?” meme

• Her favorite date nights are just sitting at home, watching TV and playing video games with you.

• Like many others have said, she is an adrenaline junkie and loves going to theme parks (though she rarely has the money to afford it)

• You can always tell when she gets fired from a job, because she comes in groaning dramatically, throwing her stuff on the floor and slumping against you in the world’s saddest attempt at a hug.

• You then help her get in her pajamas and bring her ice cream to help her feel better. She always says, “Thanks babe” as she shovels spoonfuls of strawberry cheesecake into her mouth.

• It takes a little while for Cake to warm up to you, as at first she just sees you as some rando coming into her home and putting your face against her human’s.

• With enough pets and treats though she becomes more friendly and will rub against your legs when you come in.

• Lazy mornings cuddling in bed are also a given, as she is definitely not a morning person and she will take any excuse she can to not have to get up and go to work.

• You had your first date at the bakery, where Gary tried his best to be a good wingman and snuck you guys in after hours when there were no other people around. Additionally he made you a chocolate lava cake to share, so really Gary is like 85% the reason you guys got together in the first place.

• Likes going for walks in the park with you, petting random people’s dogs and wishing she could get one (Cake would never let that happen).

• Occasionally will invite you to go to house parties with her, but understands if you aren’t comfortable with it/don’t like being around a bunch of people.

• Just like Finn she is a sloppy drunk, expect to hold her hair back while she throws up in the bathroom of the bar you guys went to with Marshall.

• Will fight anyone, and I mean anyone, who is mean or rude towards you. Like you will have to hold her back if you don’t want someone calling the cops on her again.

• Despite her overall immaturity, she’s always there for you if you need her. She’s a really good listener and will offer up advice if you aren’t sure about something, although it might not be the greatest.

• No matter what she always tries her best to be a good girlfriend, and that’s what you love about her most.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Only a few hours ago I had to put my cat Clover to sleep. I took her into the vet after she wasn't able to stand thinking it was just her hyperthyroidism and she would be back to normal after some meds. Turns out her organs were failing. She was ready to go, fiesty even in her last moments. She was 16 years old so I thought I still had some time left since most cats I've known lived to 19

Clover has been with me over half my life. She was such a special cat, more than just a pet to me. When I was little I was terrified of the dark and would stay up all night reading with the lights on. I would then sleep during the day or whenever I ended up passing out. I struggled a lot with mental illness even as a kid. But then Clover came. I could finally sleep with the light off, knowing she was standing guard against anything that might want to hurt me. Yea she was a 1 lb kitten, but my dad told me that cats keep bad spirits away and her being there was enough for me. I guess it was also calming because if she was calm, that meant that there wasn't actually any danger.

In highschool, after I self harmed, she would sit by me as I cried and lick my scars. She kept me from killing myself. She was my whole world, everyone who knows me knows how obsessed I was with her (and her new brother Boo). Whenever I was away from her I was missing her and the first thing I did when getting home was look for her.

She had so much personality, of course since she was a tabby. She would act all aloof around other people but once we were alone in my room she would start loudly purring and licking my face. She would bat at my pencils while I did homework and always scrunched up her nose while she played. When we first introduced her to the family dogs they all lined up one by one to sniff her and when one would come up she would bop them on the nose, one after another. Just imagine this tiny tabby kitten bopping dogs 20x her size on the nose. She was the queen the moment she arrived.

We grew apart when I went to college since I wasn't home as much, and it's something I still feel guilty about. Ive since graduated and worked super hard to get my first apartment that allows pets. For the past few months shes been staying with me, my boyfriend, and her brother. She had been getting super stressed at home since the current dogs kept chasing her. At our apartment she was relaxed and strongly bonded with my boyfriend (I think she liked him more than me). These past few months have been amazing, her coat got softer and she was more energetic. She was so affectionate and spent her days watching us from her cat tree, looking out the window at the people walking by, sleeping on my recliner, and taking her job as bathroom supervisor very seriously.

I thought we would've had more time, at least a year. But this past week she started yowling and then rapidly declined until she could no longer stand. I keep kicking myself for not taking her in sooner, but we had already been under financial strain from taking her brother in for his own medical issues. She had hyperthyroidism and I was told the yowling was normal, and she stopped meowing so I thought that meant she was feeling better. But after visiting my parents we came home to her unable to even lift her head. I guess I was still in denial until the vet mentioned euthanasia, and after she started getting agitated and breathing hard we made the decision. I've never been there when a pet was put down before. I've seen dead animals of course, but never...the process. She was such a little fighter, she was telling us it was her time. She made the decision for me.

I can't sleep, I miss her so much. I keep looking at photos and wanting to be in them with her. I don't know what Im going to do. She was my everything. I wish I could've gone with her. But I have people who need me here. I hope she isn't scared or alone, wherever she is. It was all so sudden. Last week she was still her silly self. I keep thinking about all the things she won't be there for. I look at the cat tree and expect her to be there, watching me, but she's not. I don't want to go through the rest of my journey without her.

I might turn @booclover into a memorial page for her, keep her memory alive. I also want to get a tattoo of a four leaf clover on my shoulder, since she loved sitting on it (or being slung over it when she got bigger)

Ill never forget you, thank you for sharing your life with me

RIP Clover 2007-2024

[ember-owlet]

hi !! ive seen some of your csm stuff so i hope you still do stuff for it lol. would you be willing to perhaps do some regressor makima hcs? it has been on the mind lately....... thank you! -🫧

firelight anon i'm genuinely saying this in the most positive way i can but this is the most unique request i've gotten (so far you guys keep finding new ways to surprise me /lh) and i love it so much,, i had to take a second to giggle knowing there's someone out there who sees the incarnate of evil as a regressor,, you are awesome never change. this was definitely a fun challenge to write for and i appreciate your patience, and please be aware of manga spoilers! so as my last fulfilled request of the year, i hope you enjoy this anon! happy new year! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

art credit : @/kozzz_y 🧵

dynamic: regressor! makima

content warnings: heavy mentions of manipulation/grooming, light mention of violence towards the end

((stay safe little firelights, you can always come back to this when you're ready))

at first the concept of regression had felt beneath her, what was the purpose of regressing to a "weaker" mindset if not to be used as a tool to manipulate others? she knew that baby animals had their own forms of vocal/physical manipulation against their kin/species to achieve what they wanted, so that was counted as an advantage.

however, being a longtime admirer of Chainsaw Man, what better way to understand his vessel and control him than to completely immerse herself to the ins and outs of regression?

the first time that she had felt a touch of regression was after the events of the battle against the darkness devil, to have a creature match her power and make her feel out of control of the situation was an experience far and few for her, and had emphasized her longing for an equal and meaningful relationship that she herself realizes to be an impossible dream.

if she were to regress with anyone else, she would be extremely possesive and controlling of her carers/playmates. wants everything (regardless of headspace) to go her way. and even if she gave her caregiver/playmates free will don't even think of looking at her cg funny or believe that they'll watch you too. they're hers to shower her in attention and that's final.

LOVES dogs, and would want to surround herself with her orderly canine companions to unwind and relax.

a regressor that thrives on order and control, who, despite her regressed mindset likes to keep things in line and can not perceive something outside of that orderly line.

her apartment and space to regress is always simple and neat no matter her headspace. due to her strong sense of smell and need to control her surroundings, a messy or disorganized enviornment is a fast way to push the control devil out of her headspace.

no matter her headspace, gore and violence are never a problem to makima. she can and will eliminate/destroy those that she feels gets in the way of her plans. she could smile one minute and obliviate her playmate in the next if she so chooses.

overall there isn't much that changes from makima's regressed headspace to how she behaves on a normal basis, even a trained caregiver that had known her for years would barely be able to spot the difference as she'd like to stay in control in most if not all situations, but at times, though she'd never admit it, the smallest part of her wishes to be held and have a dynamic where she could be herself and not face the reality of her devil nature/powers.

[vandal-flower]

Chapter 3 - A Whole New World

Blue Roses With Gold Lining

You learn the names of three women in the competition for the prince's hand. The queen calls all of you to her courtroom to start the competition.

MALE LEAD: Michael Kaiser

W.C: 1.9 words

WARNINGS:

You are threatened, mentions of deaths in the palace, mentions of the queen killing the concubines, the competition has just started.

I.¹ - II.² - IV.⁴ - V.⁵ - VI⁶

Michael Kaiser kisses you on your lips.

The sudden action has you paralyzed for a moment, and made you want him to get off you. But you notice how soft and smooth his lips are against yours. The way he holds you against him is gentle, as if he truly cares for you. He gives you two more pecks on your lips before pulling away from you.

Some small part of you wish he didn't pull away so soon. Only a small part.

"Did you enjoy my gift, my scriptwriter?", he asks you, his smirk appearing on his face. Is he ever going to stick to one pet name?

"I won't lie and say I didn't enjoy it, but it was unexpected coming from a man like you, it surprised me.", you answer, covering your mouth with your hands as if it could shield you from being a flustered disaster.

It can't and it won't.

His smirk grows even wider, "The best thing about a gift is the surprise, but what's even better about it is how it's kept between two people."

His flirtatious personality does not make your situation any better. Yes, you may be, or even could be winning the so called 'affection' of the prince, but you may also be winning the envy of the other women. It just can't be helped, you are in the competition to win the prince's hand in marriage.

Not by choice of course.

He unlocks the door and gestures you follow him out of his room. With no other option, you do. You step out of the room to see, the dog, royal advisor Alexis Ness in front of you and Michael. He glares at you for a while, before smiling at the man himself Michael Kaiser.

As if he didn't make it clear enough that he hated you with every fibre of his being.

"Alexis, take her to the room where the other women are currently in."

"Yes, your majesty"

Walking behind the royal advisor made you think more about the deal you and Michael made. How can you 'rewrite' the 'script' history has been using for years and how can it benefit you?

The amount of blood that has been stained on the palace walls can't be simply cleaned off and the same goes for history itself. You can't take a peaceful approach to every situation you encounter, and you also can't be ruthless as well. You'll end up dead in both ways nonetheless.

So you have to take caution in your actions and be one step ahead, and follow the instructions Madam Gertrude gave you. It's the only possible way you could live. As well as others.

Many people died in the palace walls for the littlest things. You not only want to escape death row, but the people around you as well. Their deaths have been seen as an 'accident', their lives seen as nothing but puppets to the people in power. Their deaths were seen as a form of entertainment.

You can't be like that. You'll end up taking more lives than needed, no, the lives of people in general.

Focus (Name), you just need to be aware of your surroundings.

The two of you reach the doors to where the other women were. Ness instructed the guards to open the doors, which they do and the both of you enter.

You're back into the courtroom. The same room which you had caused a scene in.

Wonderful.

"All of you will be in this room waiting for any instructions given by the Royal Family. For now, don't cause any problems for the family or staff. Failure to follow my advice and you will receive a proper punishment for disobedience. Are we clear, your graces?", Ness says, his voice serious and sounding as if he could kill. He probably can.

"Yes sir.", you all answer in unison, and he leaves the room.

The silence in the room is louder than any noise, until the woman with crimson lips speaks up.

"So, you're the lucky woman who was able to go to his majesty's room just because you caused a scene, a tantrum. Tell me, what were you trying to prove, or are you just that worthless that receiving the touch of someone of high royalty that scary?"

She said, her crimson lips stretching into a smile as other women in the room laugh at you. She's the type of woman to belittle others to anger others and gain the upper hand by manipulating their emotions.

You wonder if the crimson attire is actually a hint to her schemes in the past.

"I merely acted on instinct, I don't like being touched by people I'm not fond of. I don't wish not to be insulted for my appearance. Especially for something as small as lipstick.", you reply, looking directly at her and not raising your voice.

Don't raise your voice unless you want to look like a fool.

The room becomes silent. Miss Crimson Lips stares at you in rage as if prepared to throw a tantrum like a child.

"You dare insult me, I, Morrigan, Eldest Daughter of Palace of Ernaline, the House famous for putting all our enemies underground?", she yelled at you, her veins nearly bursting from her head.

You steady your breath and remain calm, not wanting to give her the chance to have any control over you. "I did not insult you, I simply recalled the event that had been held in this same room as you, chose to pick a fight with me. It's only right if I answer appropriately."

"You little-"

"Enough, both of you."

To everyone's confusion, one woman speaks up which causes everyone to stare at her. She wore a black dress with small gloves covering her hands. Her hair high up in a bun with her bangs falling over her face.

"We all heard the advisor, we are here to wait for any further instructions given by the Royal Family. If we cause any kind disruption for a people outside of these doors, we'll all be punished. Instead, let's introduce ourselves first before killing one another.", her voice makes some women cower in fear.

A woman of high authority. A woman of great status.

"I'll go first. I am Berdine Emery, Eldest Child of Palace of Emery, known for its ability to form resourceful connections. And you, I would like to know your name.", she walks to you and takes your hands into hers. Her eyes show no emotion, but her smile looks genuine.

"(Name), Eldest Child of the Minister of Finance, Palace of Ludwig. It's a great pleasure to meet you Berdine.", you greet her, feeling her gloved hands around yours, gently rubbing your hands.

"Daughter of a minister, shouldn't you be a daughter of a Palace, not just a minister?", Morrigan asked, her voice venomous and eyeing you up and down. A few women nodded their heads, agreeing with her.

"Unfortunately, the Palace of Ludwig only has sons, and some of the ministers' daughters are quite young, while others don't even have a daughter. I'm the eldest of these girls and as the only one who is at the age to get married, I was chosen."

You were chosen. You had no say in the situation. You were simply picked up to represent the Palace of Ludwig, because no one could do it. No one can do it. You wish to be the first and the last person to ever experience such sacrifice.

You wish to not experience anything like this again.

But you don't wish for the pity of others.

Morrigan and other women continue to eye you, but don't say anything. You hear someone whisper 'peasant', but ignored it. Entertaining them won't do much for you. The doors are then opened by the guards to reveal a servant. Not Ness. Odd.

"Your graces, please follow me to the Queen's courtroom.", she says.

As instructed, all of you follow the her as she walks out of the room, matching her pace as she walks. Some women form a group of themselves, talking about what the queen could be like.

"I hope she is nice to us unlike her son."

"I highly doubt it, if the prince is going to insult us because of our appearances, won't she be worse?"

"Maybe he is just testing us, and telling our reactions to his words to her."

"I pray that I didn't make an ugly face."

Their theories gave you ideas of what the queen may be like. With Michael brief telling about how his mother killed the concubines, and had a smile on her face gave you a proper idea what she is like.

A sadist.

If she was able to end the lives of those women, and have a smile on her face, she could possibly want each of you women dead. She'll could make you dance on the hot coals barefooted, laughing at each one of your terrified faces.

But such thought could be false, she only killed the concubines because it was what the king wanted. So she might be laid back when it comes to her son, only interfering when necessary.

You are interrupted by a tap on your shoulder, you turn around to see who it was. You see a woman who is shorter than you, her hair blonde and curled, pale blue eyes shining at you. Her key feature was that she smelled like lavender.

"Really liked how you defended yourself back there. Morrigan has been belittling everyone since she came here. My name is Maria, Palace of Contessa.", she whispered.

Her eyes were genuine, you couldn't help but smile at her. "Pleasure to meet you Maria.", you whispered back.

"It's a real honour to meet you, especially how you were able to keep calm against Morrigan and the prince's antics."

"I really don't deserve such praise."

"You do!"

The two of you whisper to each other about the other women and the two become friends. The two of you become quiet when you all reach the doors to the queen's courtroom. The doors are opened and you enter.

The room is larger than the previous room. The walls look as if it is painted with gold. And the woman herself seated on her personal chair, the queen.

Her gaze is sharp, and her smile wicked. You hear Maria breathe heavily behind you. You squeeze her hand tightly before letting go. She straightens herself and smiles. You hope she'll be okay.

She gets up and walks down the steps. She stops mid-way. "Form one row standing beside each other, facing me now." You all do as instructed.

She continues continues walking on the steps and stops when she meets the floor. "I've heard from my son about you all, and I've chosen to dismiss his claims as I wanted to meet you all in person."

Thank the heavens.

"Nevermind that, I shall start competition for the hand of marriage of my son, the competition is not based on education or skills, but-"

"Whoever can make the prince fall in love with them. To the very point of having his child."

What.

"One of you could be his wife, the others a concubine. Don't disappoint, or shame the Royal Palace of Kaiser."

How the world around you seems to have changed.

@lightoftheamethyst and @kimura-uzuri

I hope I made all my readers proud.

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

I'm so curious about this: what's the future for Nancy and Ace?

Fast forward 50 or 60 years. Did they marry? Did they divorce? Did they never officially get together? Any children? Grandchildren? Did they grow and change for the better and have a healthier relationship or were they doomed from the beginning? What did they do with their lives?

Also how much of Nancy's style changed as she moved into the modern/present day?

IVE ACTUALLY BEEN WAITING FOR AN ASK LIKE THIS TYSM LAV 🩷🩷🩷🥺🥺

I'll give you the short response if you don't want rambles: Yes! It's a lot of trial and error, but they eventually get into a healthier and easier lifestyle and get married!

I feel like if it were based on the movie/book, they'd probably be doomed as some tragic romance.... BUT THIS IS MY S/I, AND I GET TO MAKE THEM HAPPY WITH A PICKET FENCE AND BABIES AND LOVE DOVEY DAMMIT 😠

Ace got a pretty big wake-up call the day Nancy finally told him off and wished he'd never been in her life. And for a while, that's where they all thought it would end. That, whatever Nancy and Ace had going on was history. Even Nancy thought it was the end for those next few weeks of avoiding each other and dread of seeing one or the other going into town.

It wasn't until one rather fateful night, when a very beaten up Ace turned up on Nancy's doorstep, just sitting in the steps of her porch smoking a cigarette. She dragged him inside [I'll admit a bit reluctant] and took him to the bathroom to clean him up. It was a bit tense, and God awfully awkward... But after Nancy was about to send him on his way, Ace gave a very difficult and rusty apology, and he wanted to be better- if she won't have him as a boyfriend yet, he'd want to start again as friends.

So they started there and worked all the way back to the top! Ace did chill out a whole lot once he got older - especially around eighteen or nineteen - and Nancy was gaining some more self love and confidence/self independence in herself, and that's when he and Nancy started to get a bit more serious and talk about settling down.

They never left Castle Rock, as much as a horrible fate that seemed like to them as kids. In the end, it seemed things turned out just fine for the both of them. And Ace finally got that God-damn blessing for Nancy's old man to marry her just like they'd planned when they were six years old... And her brothers are in good term with him - even if it takes a little longer to wear off on em.And imma just say it now... YES, THEY HAVE BABIESSS BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO HAVE YOU MET ME???

They actually have triplets! Three little girls with crazy curly brown hair and big mischevious blue eyes 🥺 I'm not sure about their names yet but their probably one of the greatest things to happen to Ace and Nancy [and now he understands Nancy's dad a whole lot better💀] And also adding, they have a dog too. 😌✨️

Nancy and her style to change a lot as she gets older and through the years- also gaining just a bit more confidence in herself to change her style up a bit from being less recluse and shy in a corner. She still keeps up with the style she's more comfortable with and gre up with some days, but I can see her growing into big earrings and crazy tie-dye dresses... If that's what you meant by style that is.😂

They grow old, never taking one day without reminding the other how much they love each other and the home they made, spending late nights reminiscing their youth and childhood. 🩷

[cloudcountry]

IKEMEN GAMES FAQ

i've been asked a lot of questions about these games despite only playing them for a month and i think thats really funny but also really sweet :(( thank you guys for taking an interest in the things i like?? thats so kind???

ANYWAYS here's a faq page!! just in case you have a question!!

what are the ikemen games?

they're a series of otome games by cybird!! there's ikemen vampire, ikemen prince, ikemen revolution, and ikemen sengoku. those are the ones on the english server at any rate. ikemen villains exists but i don't know anything about it because its only on the jp server right now ^^

these games are rated mature, the mc uses she/her pronouns, and she also has a set appearance. please mind the warnings!!

which game would you recommend for a beginner?

i've changed my mind since writing this and i've decided that ikemen revolution is the better starting game for beginning players. it's not as spicy as the other games, its easier to navigate, and ALSO it doesnt deal with as dark of topics as ikemen prince. it's still dark though don't get me wrong but all of these games are (to an extent ofc.)

i would NOT recommend ikesen as your first game because the colors are very bright and they throw a LOT of things at you at once. it can be overwhelming for a beginner.

IKEVAMP QUESTIONS (i talk about this one the most)

what is ikemen vampire (ikevamp)?

ikemen vampire is a game where historical figures came back from the dead in order to fulfill a desire, something they wished they had or did in their previous life.

what ikevamp routes would you recommend?

isaac's route was beautiful. shakespeares route was AMAZING and so so dramatic. vincents route was insane so if you want something that will throw you for a loop go for him. arthur's route is INCREDIBLY emotional so be prepared if you want to romance him. he's very tragic.

personally i dont think i can give a good range of recommendations since i started playing two months ago, but ive heard good things about arthur, napoleon, comte (his route is good for lore!!), leonardo, and shakespeare (his route is good if you're looking to be introduced to the antagonists!! and if you want drama!!)

mozart's route has been noted as beginner friendly ^^

the routes are split between act one and act two!! act two routes have a bit more lore i think???

act one routes: napoleon, mozart, da vinci, arthur, vincent, theo, isaac, jean, & shakespeare.

act two routes: dazai, comte, sebastian, vlad, faust, & charles.

what do you think of the ikevamp suitors?

napoleon is kind of the face of ikevamp,,,, hes like malleus in a way. hes the obvious pick for your first route (except you should totally be DIFFERENT or not idk do what feels right!!) hes nice C:

mozart is fucking gorgeous but hes such a DICK. he gets better in his route though yk? the prickly but soft kind ^^

leonardo is so dad coded in that hes weird and falls asleep all the time. i dont really know much about him ^^; update he's creepy i don't like him anymore :(((

arthur. arthur arthur arthur. okay i started out not having the highest opinion of arthur but i want to let all of you know that you should one hundred percent give him a chance. he's such a kind, gentle, sweet person. he's tortured by his past but he's such a tender hearted guy. please give him a chance, you wont regret it. his route made me shed a few tears.

I WOULD FIGHT THE UNIVERSE FOR VINCENT VAN GOGH. he is an ANGEL. we do NOT deserve this man and if anyone hurts him i would start a RIOT. if he hugged me all of my problems would be solved and i would never complain again. his route is BATSHIT CRAZY THOUGH. i would highly HIGHLY recommend playing it but i was UGLY SOBBING by the end of it. watch out.

theo calls you dog <3 what a man!! hes pretty gruff and idk much about him either LMAO um update!! he's a very good negotiator. nobody knows the context of why i said that except for me LMAO (if you read will's route you know) hes very protective,,,, ummm dog person!! idk.

DAZAI IS SO WEIRD??? AND I MEAN THAT IN A NICE WAY.,.,,. BUT ALSO A ??????? WAY???? he enters the mansion through windows and his route is super angsty

isaac is my babygirl and the only one that matters. i love him. i wish to hold him tenderly and kiss him every morning and night. im gonna put a ring on that finger just you watch. he's a bumbling fool of a nerd and i adore him. he doesnt know how to emotion </3

after playing the interlude, i do know a little bit about jean and i already really like him. he seems very sweet and protective of mc, albeit a little awkward. but thats part of the charm!! <33 UPDATE HE FUCKING BITES YOU DONT TRUST HIM. the beginning of his route made me SO angry because not only does he not care for her safety, the rest of the residents openly disregard how she feels about anything. if you want to be pissed the FUCK OFF and hate EVERYONE this route is for you!!

SHAKESPEAREE'S ROUTE IS SO GOOD GAH I FEEL LIKE. IM BIASED THOUGH BC IVE BEEN FIXATED ON SHAKESPEARE MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! THE PROSE MAKES ME SWOON!!! (thank u dove for pointing it out LMAO) honestly i would recommend playing his route before vincents. it was vincents route that made me realize i was in love with him LMAO

comte is nice C: hes a sugar daddy??? uhh also hes very lonely apparently. victim of favoritism. i got a few chapters into his route and wow he is. really father figure coded. its kinda uncomfy but i'll try my best to get through it after jean's route. will update you guys.

sebastian is funny bc he ends up getting really attached to the mc and at the end of isaac's route he straight up tries to bribe them to stay WHICH MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE NOW BUT YK ITLL MAKE SENSE LATER.

vlad has a fox named marshmallow nd likes strawberries nd likes to garden. hes also an antagonist for some reason. HE FUKCING SUCKS AFTER PLAYING WILL'S ROUTE AND THE INTERLUDE I HAVE DECIDED THAT I HATE HIS ASS AND I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. STAY AWAY FROM WILL YOU ASSHOLE.

faust scares me but yk henry adores him so im sure hes lovely!!

CHARLES IS SO FUCKING CUTE I WANT TO HUG HIM SO BAD. PLEASE. HES LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY DOG. very traumatized though and i heard that what happens after chapter twenty in his route is really sad.

IKEPRI QUESTIONS (i talk about this one ocassionally)

what is ikemen prince?

this game is based on beauty and the beast. you play as "belle," a commoner selected to choose the next king. its the darkest game in this collection and has some pretty heavy themes every route,.,. if you need specifics just ask!! i havent played through all the routes though, do i might not know ^^; i will, however, add trigger warnings beside what i think of them as i go through their routes.)

what do you think of the ikepri suitors?

PLS leon is really nice!!! he's more like an older brother figure to me personally but i think his hugs would cure my depression LMAO

CHEVIE.,,.,.,. HES SO SILLY apparently he's really sweet ocne you get to know him but hes a bit prickly at the beginning (but hey, isnt that the same for half the love interests?)

YVES..,.,.HES SO WET CAT CODED. his route is so sad but sosososo sweet its so adorable. i want to hug him. he's like a bestie to me tbh i would fight anyone that looks at him wrong FR. HE DESERVES THE WORLD AJHSGDAJ his route is really soft and definitely one of the less intense ones if thats your cup of tea!! hes really sweet did i say that already. tsundere type.

okay i'll admit i didn't like nokto at first because he's the flirty type but. he doesn't really give me the creeps anymore? now that i know why he does that./ he's kinda just there for me but i can appreciate how witty and sneaky he is. okay so update, his route has really weird pacing imo. it doesn't show the two of them actually bonding a lot and instead focuses on them butting heads. mcs love confession and then getting together felt very jarring. the romantic ending is cute though!!

LICHT IS SOOOOO RPETTY and hes the reserved type. i am foaming at the mouth. I WANTED TO PLAY HSI ROUTE FIRST but yves was probably the better choice for my frist route since his route os apparently super heavy ^^; UPDATE yes his route is heavy. watch out for themes of mental health issues and self harm/suicide.

CLAVIS IS SO GOOFY his relationship with the mc is honestly so adorable if you pick him as a love interest,.., theyre so teasinga nd wholesome towards each other and if my future relationship doesnt look like tehres I DONT WANT IT. his route adds a LOT of insight into his character. the writers did an excellent job of making him appear as a enigma while offering hints as to know he really is. thank you chevie!!

jin scares me??? like i know hes kind and all but he gives me the creeps. apparently his route punched people in the gut though KASHGD

I ADORE LUKE. ive only played yves's route so far but luke is so kind. hes so sweet. hes so godo at talking peoplee down from anxiety and even though he has a temper himself hes so good at regulating emotions??? i want to hug him so bad. he was so nice to mc in the beginning of yves's route too.

SARIEL'S HAIR BOTHERS ME!!! he has a sprite with a whip and i hate it. umm he's kinda nice sometimes but i dont really have an impression of him yet!!

RIO IS TEH SWEETEST :((( I WOULD DIE FOR HIM. he is so kind to mc and i know the whole obsessed thing isnt for everyone (it put me off at first too LMAO) but really he just loves her unconditionally and wants her to be happy its so cute im gonna die. now, rio's route doesn't have much of the fluffy puppy we all know so well. he's much more serious in his route, and he's kind of a sad character too. tragic? tragic. his route was really good though!!

GILBERT. THIS ASSHOLE. (dies) anyways. may i introduce you to his weird ass gloves and their unexpected appeal. also he has a cane which is silly. his coat is weird. i am picturing that diagram vio made for his outfit ITS RIDICULOUS.

keith's hair looks so soft i want to run my fingers through it in a very bestie way. he gave me a weird vibe when i saw him first but the second he opened his mouth teh weird vibe disappeared. he just seems so sweet and gentle :(( OKAY OKAY so i'm currently playing through hsi route for the second time, and KJJSDFGKJGFSJHDSDGJHGFJH ITS SO FUCKING CUTE. gugguuh youre gonna have to trust me on this one.,.,. i promise you this route had me squealing and screaming and laughing and kicking my feet with a goofy grin so many times. obviously it has its tragic moments, but keith is so sweet through and through. i think hes my favorite now ^^

i do NOT like silvio next.

IKESEN QUESTIONS (i rarely talk about this one)

what is ikemen sengoku?

ikesen (ikemen sengoku) is the one with the japanese warlords. you get sent back in time by a LIGHTNING BOLT and have to rely on a physics student who got sent back with you to lead you to a wormhole>>??? its so weird LMAO OH YEA AND YOU PREVENT AND ASSASSINATION BTW. the plot is confusing but mitsunari is cute.

what do you think of the ikesen suitors?

okay so i'll only be giving the opinions of the routes i have finished!!

mitsunari is a sweetheart. im really glad i started with his route because hes really kind. hes a little oblivious but hes incredibly strong and sweet and smiley and cute and GAH i love he. hes so sweet. ALSO if you want someone who will go like "why is my heart fluttering. what the fuck. i cant concentrate what is going on." GO FOR HIM.

kenshin's route was interesting? it was very sweet in the beginning and i LOVED how mc reacted to him going apeshit (I CANT SPOIL IT BUT OMG SHE WAS SO COOL. I WAS SCREAMING AND JUMPING AND LAUGHING IT WAS SO GOOD) but near the end of his route i got impatient. also theyre horny fair warning.

kennyo's route was one of those routes where i was like "WIAT THATS THE ENDING???" when it ended. its a good route, i liked the pacing!! he is kinda creepy in the beginning but i can see why some people like him. he is very much mature stubborn grumpy older man vibes if thats your cup of tea.

i started sasuke's route and was SHOCKED at how quickly mc came to the realization that she was in love with him. lo and behold theyve known each other for a month and a half when she finds out and its actually not weird. kenshin is jealous, yuki is sweet, shingen is silly, sasuke's route is delightful so far!! i do kinda feel like yuki is going to fall in love w the mc... UPDATE, yuki did indeed fall in lvoe with her but i dont think he realized it? i was a little frustrated with how they didnt communicate that they both kinda wanted to stay to each other. that was annoying. but hsi romantic ending was cute!! it gives the vibes of "he loves you no matter what route you take" even though sasuke doesnt seem to realize that LMAO

started kanetsugu's route, his mc is really funny LMAOOO OKAY UPDATE im basically done with it and although it gets REALLY BORING in the middle his route wsa really cute. teh romantic ending went so hard theyre literally the cute i was actually!!! smiling!!!! usually i read these things with a straight face HELP!!! his character growth is really touching and he really is the consent king. would highly recommend :(( hes so sweet.

yoshimoto's route starts very sweetly. they both bond over art, which is a shared interest of theirs. he treats her like a friend and not an enemy, although he can be a bit ditzy sometimes SJDJSDJ his route was one of the best ones i have ever played, i wasnt bored during it at all and his relationship with the mc is soo heartwrenching. if you like jihyun's route from mysmes i'd highly recommend because they have so many parallels ARGHH

IKEREV QUESTIONS (i rarely talk about this one)

what is ikemen revolution?

this game is based on alice in wonderland!! it got discontinued but the routes they have are still really good ^^ i started playing kyle's recently and its been kinda funny tbh LMAO

what do you think of the ikerev suitors?

first impression of ray: he likes cats. THATS ALL I REMEMBER. HE LIKES CATS. ok. nevermind i hate him., UPDATE i started his route and he calls you useless and a kid and says he doesnt have time for you even though HE made the deal to protect you??? his face went from squishy to punchable in two seconds.

ive seen a lot of people thirsting over sirius and he kinda reminds of a leonardo from ikevamp?>??> hes like a father figure from what ive gathered but apparently hes the type to deflect when you ask him ANYTHING

luka seems so sweet :(( unless youre jonah then he'll MAIM YOU

seth is..,,.,. weird? idk i was always a little put off by him being overly friendly with the mc he just creeps me out.

fenrir seems like a nice guy!! golden retriever vibes??? i havent done a single black army route so i dont know any of them that well oops

lancelot seems like a chevie type idk. i got a bit of background on him in harr's route but i dont know much about him ^^ UUPDATE/ he is very sweet also but he doesnt show it. very much internal battle vibes. hes in a complicated situation that involves mild spoilers i think so yk. but hes nice!! he falls in love with mc very quickly and honestly she falls for him easily too ^^; the route is very soft in a heartbreaking way :((

okay jonah doesnt have the best first impression but please wait for him. hes a really warm, sweet person. once he loves you he'll adore you endlessly. hes going to dote on you and make sure everything is to your taste and PLEASE give him a chance. his route is kinda silly at first because he throws money at you to win you over, but he shows his sweeter side surprisingly quickly too!!

edgar bright is an enigma. his mc is so mecoded its so silly. i will let you know my findings once i discover anything. OK SO UPDATE HIS ROUTE IS ANGSTY AS FUCK AND MADE ME ALMOST CRY LIKE TWICE. ITS A LOT BUT ITS SO WORTH IT. ITS SO GOOD SO DRAMATIC I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

zero is such a sweetiepiecutiepatootiehoneydumplingminniemunchiesnugglewugglepookiepiepotatocrispdippedinhoneywithcinnamonsugarontopwootiepie. hes so kind. he pops up a lot in edgar's route and hes so squishy. hes so hardworking and strong and reliable,,,, my whole heart please <3333 his route made me retain so much emotional damage but he is worth it. hes so soft, so sweet, so loving, he will treat you right. love of my life.

kyle's route is the best beginner route and ive only been here for two months. PLAY HIS FIRST PLEASE./ his route was written so well it made me feel so many THINGS him and alice are so GRAHHHHHHHHH BITING THEM BITING THEM.

harr's route is absolutely your route if youre a sucker for domesticity and found family. its such a sweet wholesome route i loved it. hes so sweet to the mc and OMG IF YOU HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR EASILY FLUSTERED MEN YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE HIM. HE HAS SO MANY MOMENTS WITH ALICE WERE HE CANT EVEN LOOK AT HER BECAUSE HES SO EMBARRASSED ITS SO SILLY PLEASE

i dont have much to say about loki honestly? hes a little silly and his eyes remind me of will's.

blanc never got a route and everyone mourns that to this day.

i will never play oliver's route because its creepy to romance a child. next!

i dont have an opinion of literally any other suitor. i think theres a few other routes??? but they havent stuck out to me so meh!!

[mehemingway]

The Dark Nativity

TW: parental death, euthanasia, dysfunction, religious themes

Dad, he said: "We're gonna die, your mom and I. You'll need to be a man by then. By tomorrow, if you can." I spent twenty wasted years Dying by the words "It won't be long; be ready," And by then, I surely was. Mom, she said: "Don't let us die in a hospital bed. Don't let us run up bills. Please, when that day comes, Just let us be at home." Yet when Dad's day came, He and I were ready, But she betrayed him in the end. The loudest words I'd ever heard, A final wish, denied- Delayed and disrespected: "Please, just let me die!" Another day, another coma, Another episode of "hospital psychosis." He greets Sir Ivanhoe, And my friend who isn't there. He spends hours eating hot dogs That were floating in mid air. He asks for shoes; he has no legs. His call button is gum. His madness drives the nurses madder with "Sandy, get my keys," For two days without sleep, And pulling out IV's While searching in his sheets. All the while, she asks A million desperate times, "Mike, who am I?" "Where are you?" "What day is it?" Mom, it's Christmas Eve, And hospital psychosis is The gift that keeps on giving. Unwrap it with your other gift: The sandwich Santa brought you yesterday While the pastor prayed beside you For God's wondrous healing power, Even though we know We pray to the attorney's That this will all be over soon. The will of God, the will of Dad Where there's a will, who's to say That anybody's will is free When lying in a bed- Blind and legless, dead to yourself? When your only Savior Is the someone who agreed, Every time you begged them To "please, take care of me." It's the tale of the alcoholic, The blameless saint, And the child they didn't plan That always had to save them. Son, it's Jesus's special fucking day; Let's celebrate When he came to fix the suffering That's still right before your face. Dad was, indeed, my enemy- Probably my worst. Yet this, on even him, I couldn't wish. But wish, he had, and she withheld it. "Suffer for my suffering." That isn't love; it's hate. So I hated her for hating him, Who hated me, who hated him. I broke that day, and I became A better man Than Dad ever could have been; And I loved what I should've hated. Their little Christ, for all their many sins- I lied so he could die. "Mom, let Dad come home. He'll recover where he's comfortable, Where his loving wife can heal him Instead of the nurses that he hates. What's the harm? When he's ready, we can amputate. He'll be lucky then, Because the seventh time's a charm." She agreed, And he was gone within three weeks. At last, at home- Where "don't resuscitate," And "it's too late" Are meaningless words. But who when cold and stiff could fight A breath forced into their lungs? I calmly helped; I knew that it was over. But every day thereafter, He's all she spoke about- To me, to anyone, everyone Until I, the child who was ready Had to leave. "Just let him die" Was hard to say when she would cry. "I loved him so much, I wish that he was still alive." Because it made me ask myself "I didn't kill him, did I?" When Mom's turn came, I stood beside her- To decide to give her peace I'd probably never have. So again I lied and said, "I love you." But I knew she couldn't me hear me. I don't think she ever could.

-Me H.

[pink-tiled-bathroom]

where the light doesn't reach, 23/10/2024, 14:24

i can feel the white noise begin in my mouth, static pinpoints leaking down my throat

the same way it spreads across the insides of my cheeks before i vomit. 

i remember when the gas prices stilled between $2.30 and $2.50

and as the bus lulls on its late night passage between work and home

it pauses by a gas station where the sign is burnt out and just reads $3. 9

who is there for the martyrs?, who is there for god,

when they are the ones who give? 

do they spend their late nights alone, clutching a bottle of whiskey between calloused palms and bloody fingertips,

praying to someone above them to make them feel less alone in their pain? or to end it completely?

my mother looked me in the eyes once while asking me for a glass of wine and told me

that i was only born to serve. born to give. never to feel anything besides giving every fibre of my living to anyone who asks for it. 

how is a daughter to live with the weight of being born only to give every part of her away until she rots? that she is undeserving of anything but the chisel?

i feel that this is some sort of convoluted convocation of being a mother’s daughter. 

the nights have gotten cold again. i dont sleep much anymore--the shadows whisper broken cries of shortcomings

and i can smell the copper-ferrous carmine lingering on their chapped lips from my own cold-sweat soaked sheets where i lay (alone, terrified).

i am the deer on the side of the highway, softly lulling between seeing what the people with guns call “god”, and the blinding afterlight of my blood on the asphalt,

the night sky cradles my half-alive body and the starlight looks like broken glass. the stars reflect onto each other like gemstones,

murmuring all the dreams ive had since I was six years old. i pretend everything isn't a metaphor for grief,

i pretend i am still unborn, before i was told no god would return my purity. i repine in the realization that i won't ever be able to go back.

i've lost the ability to tell whether the lump in my throat is some hopeless feat at self sabotage or the smoke in my lungs coming up to choke me,

most times its the former though every time i pray its the latter. the trains blare night in and night out with the cries of crimson on the rails.

sometimes i wish it was me. the only thing that lets me rest at the unholy hours of dawn is romanticizing

a horrid and gory suicide, legs splayed across the gravel, torso mangled, skull crushed in glass shards,

the front of the train now having all it takes to be human (blood, skin, flesh, bone, heat, and nothing inside you but lost dreams).

no epilogue, no note; only the fog hanging heavy over my carcass, ululating all the broken promises once made through gritted teeth.

there is a god just mortal enough to look human. she breathes the color of all my sins, slurring morning dew with crimson brume--

and i repent in the early hours of morning, knowing i fell from the golden light for abandoning god's faith. gabriel will lower his trumpet when i visit him again.

i am a better wound than i am person; my hands have always been blackened with contrition.

if you were to read my name aloud, it would spell out sacrifice, in its most grotesque form. strident, mangled, like knuckles torn to shreds.

there exists within my chest a desire to be wanted-- fervently, earnestly, to be devoured whole until my wounds exsanguinate;

but alas, grief fills october’s empty lungs like kerosene, and i wait around the corner like a mutt.

at my core, i exist as nothing more than a beaten dog. i will wait for you, even if it is not what i want. i know nothing else but waiting for the whip to crack,

tearing into the already blue-black flesh barely hanging onto my bones, spattering vermillion onto the tile like sunlight. every welt feels like home.

at some sentient part of my canine head i want you to drown in the guilt of the blood on your hands. i will bark and bite, but i will never speak.

i wonder if god looks down upon the fallen angels and wishes them well, because he too feels guilty.

[scotianostra]

Thomas, Lord Erskine was born January 10th 1750. During his lifetime he became Britain's foremost advocate, through his defence of people accused of treason and corruption.

His defence of Thomas Paine, accused of high treason for his work, The Rights of Man, cost him his position as Attorney General to the Prince of Wales. Later, Erskine totally alienated George IV by defending Queen Caroline against the king's attempt to deprive her of her rights and title.

Rather go into all the boring education, career stuff I will focus more on the man, the character, for I think Lord Erskine was a bit of a character, he had a favourite dog with him at all his consultations in Chambers a favourite a large Newfoundland dog called "Toss". He taught it to sit upon a chair in chambers with his paws placed before him on the table. Erskine would put an open book before him, a wig upon his head and one of his advocate's bands around his neck. What his clients thought of this exhibition we do not know, but it is unlikely that they would have forsaken him for another counsel.

He was obviously an animal lover a dog he kept by him was one he had rescued from some boys in the street when they were about to kill it. Later, on March 2, 1811, he sent a bitch to a fellow peer with a note to say that, "her name is Lucky and may all good luck attend your Lordship".

He also had a pet goose which followed him about in his grounds, a macaw and a great many other dumb friends. He even had two special leeches which he believed had saved his life when he was ill and which he called his "bottle conjurors". These he kept in a glass and, he said, he gave them fresh water every day and had formed a friendship with them. He would often argue the likely result of a case on how they swam or crawled.

Erskine said he was sure they both knew him and were grateful to him. They were called "Home" and "Cline" after two celebrated surgeons with quite different dispositions. He amassed the company at a party given at his villa in Hampstead, near "The Spaniard's Inn", by talking about his regard for animals and, in particular, those to whom he was attached. He then produced the leeches in their glass which he placed upon the table. It was impossible, however, wrote Samuel Romilly who was present, "without the vivacity, the tones, the details, and the gestures of Lord Erskine, to give an adequate idea of this singular scene".

He introduced into the Lords a Bill for the prevention of malicious and wanton cruelty to animals, saying that it was a subject very near to his heart. Disgusting outrages, which he said

"were too painful to describe, were being perpetrated upon animals whilst the law did nothing. This was because animals were considered only as property. They were entirely without protection from cruelty and they had no rights. Yet man's dominion over them was not given by God for their torture but as a moral trust.

Nature had provided the same organs and feelings for enjoyment and happiness to animals as to man -- seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, the sensations of pain and pleasure, love, anger and sensibility to kindness. Such creatures might have been created for man's use but not for his abuse. Towards them, as in all other things, men's duties and interests were inseparable. Extending humanity to animals would have a most powerful effect on men's moral sense and upon their feelings and sympathies for each other."

When the speech was published as a pamphlet, its editor suggested in the Preface that it should be introduced to families and schools and deserved to be circulated "among the lower classes of society by the clergy, and by all moral and pious persons'.

When the Bill was in its Committee stage, Erskine pointed out that during his 30 years of Parliamentary life he had never before proposed any alteration in the law. He still had no wish, he said, to link a statute with his name; he had a better motive. If the Bill were enacted, it would not only be an honour to the country but would mark an era in the history of the world. In the event, the House of Commons proved not to be ready for animal rights and the Bill was defeated but eventually went through in 1809.

Lastly and briefly, perhaps our Lord Erskine was also a wee bit of a romantic, he survived his first wife, Frances, she passed away in 1805 after 35 years of marriage, on October 12, 1818 he married Sarah Buck in Gretna Green, he was 20 years her senior.

It is said he never missed a day in court and led a very healthy life but in 1823 Erskine set out by sea on a visit to Scotland with one of his sons, hoping to see his brother the Earl of Buchan. But he became ill with a chest infection on the journey and was put ashore at Scarborough.

He managed to travel to the home of his brother Henry's widow in Almondell in West Lothian, where they were joined by the earl. He died at Almondell on 17 November 1823 and was buried in the family burial-place at Uphall in present day West Lothian.

[1aceinspace]

Hscfgvjdgs its finally done and it only took me.. nearly 2 months... ☠☠

It was all worth it tho; it was a surprise commission gift for one the owners, and its 2 pups i used to take care of a lot. They have a special place in my heart and it brought me a lot of joy to paint their cute little faces :^]

[grimmthorne]

i had a dream abt a dog and now ik why :(

[doeyedangel]

hi im sorry if it's not my place to say anything but i feel in my heart to say to you that it's not your fault that you couldn't protect other versions of you, especially younger ones. we can only know what we know, and many times we don't realize how damaging something is until much later when we finally realize how much it affected us. i know it's hard, but all versions of you deserved to be acknowledged and to have understanding given to them. it's not your fault the people in your life not only didn't protect you but didn't teach you how to protect yourself either. they did that on purpose and it's not your fault that it took time for you to learn how to do something you had never experienced before. no matter what happened or what anyone says, you have carried yourself this far and tended to your wounds when no one else would and that alone shows how much strength you possess. please try to give yourself grace for the past. that you was just trying to survive and both her and you deserve understanding and love for how you have learned to grow despite everything you've endured. you've come so far, and done so well, im proud of you.

You are so very sweet thank you m reading this and i know logically you are completely right i dont blame anyone for not being able to protect their yoknger selves either but a part of me feels the deep burning guilt that i knew better and i shouldnt have just stupidly listened. Ive been told in the past i follow peoples orders like a dumb dog and that its my fault for being hurt and i agree. I wish i wasnt raised in a culture that expected me to blindly nod and listen to people especialyl older people because its caused me so much grief i wish i didnt listen but theres so many things to wish for that i cant change now. Thr only thing keeping me safe now is my fisnce hes the one who saved me i cant take any credit he gave me everything 🤍 thank you for your sweet message angel

[wishchthumblr]

ive made a lot of self-inserty ocs in my time, and if you'd look at them all you'll see most of the time theyre the child/little sister of one of the characters. one of the characters who is kind. who cares. who loves. who wont leave her or hurt her or lie to her or hate her. who is stong and will protect her. im realizing all those inserts are just because the connections and relationships i give to her is what i desperately wish for.

i just want someone to see my pain and take me into their arms and let me crawl onto their lap and hide in the crook of their neck. i want someone to gently pet my hair and let me cry on their shoulders. i want someone to see me, all of me, all my flaws and cuts and marks and failures and faults and all my ugliness and mistakes and all the mean things ive done, and i want them to say that its ok. that they love me anyway and that im only human and that its ok to hurt sometimes. i want someone to see my cuts and my bruises and hold me gently anyway, i want someone who'll get a warm towel and clean my wounds and tell me im still beautiful. that im not ruined. that i still have worth.

i want to be able to put down the masks and the pretend in front of another person and still feel safe. i dont want to feel like i have to run away whenever the tears come because im scared they'll see me as weak and useless and pathetic and dumb and annoying and a waste.

i want someone i can trust to tell the truth tell me im pretty, and that despite how much ive been hurt i can still be kind, and that im still loved and that its not to late for me to be a better person, that im not already a horrible person. that im just a kid who made a lot of mistakes. i want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that it wasnt my fault, that i was just a child and that it shouldn't have been my responsibility in the first place.

i just want to able to be the small one, the young one, the one who is comforted instead of always having to comfort others. i just want a family where i can act like the youngest, because thats what i am, instead of being forced to be the adult.

i just want a father who cares about me, that i dont have to constantly fear is going to come back into my life and hurt me again, that didnt tell me how awful and ugly and pathetic i am over and over and over and over until i had no choice but to believe him, that didnt hate me. that didnt leave me. that didnt make it very clear that he would always put the needs and wants of himself and his girlfriend before the needs of his child. i wish i didnt know what being unwanted felt like at 7 years old.

i want a mother who that i can cry on without having to be aware of how she's feeling, that i can talk to without feeling like i have to constantly censor myself to not give away just how much she messed me up, that i can hug and be comforted by instead of feeling like my skin is burning every time she touches me. i dont want to be forced to be a therapist to my own mother, hearing all the things i have in common with my father and how all those qualities make a person terrible. i wish i didnt know how to stop crying on command, how to be numb and empty at 12 years old.

i want a big brother who will protect me instead of hurt me, i want to be able to look at my brother and know he'll chase all the monsters away instead of being the monster. i wish i wasnt forced to have this specific room because its the only room where the door opens in, so that he cant open it if he wants to hurt me. i dont want to have to think about what i'd do if he stops pulling his punches one day and kills my mother. or if he kills my dog. or if he kills me. I dont want to be forced to hide all the fragile things because he might break them. i dont want to live in a house where we have to hide the knives because you never know what he'll do. i wish i didnt know how to quickly hide the fragile and valuable things and how to take the hits and hide the pain and hide the fear at seeing my mother on the floor after being beaten by my big brother at 10 years old.

i wish i lived a life where im not scared that everyone i love will hurt me. i wish i had a family who are the reason i wake up in the morning instead of being the reason i want to go back to sleep.

i wish i had a family i could look at and honestly and truthfully say, "i know they would mourn me if i killed myself."

but i cant say that. because i genuinely dont know if they would.

and i think the most terrible thing of all, is that i dont know if i would mourn them either

and that thought is terrifying to me

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god