#i wish i died a long time ago
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If you could die from being overwhelmed, I would be infinitely dead
#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#actually mentally ill#chronic illness#aroace agender#spoonie#chronic fatigue#disability#actually disabled#chronic disability#mentally exhausted#mentally fucked up#i wish i died a long time ago
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Friendly reminder that Akutagawa includes āhaving friendsā among the things Atsushi is blessed with and that he should be envied for.
#I just think it's meaningful. The fact that Akutagawa wishes he had friends.#Especially given that we know Akutagawa used to have friendsā but they all died a long time ago.#And apparently never had other friends ever since.#ryÅ«nosuke akutagawa#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd s2#bsdrewatch2023#Man I never know what to tag as ss/kk and what not... Everything is ss/kk to me but I don't want to spam the tags#(More than I already do)
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#i wish it was possible to die in a way that didnt just continue to make you a burden to those around you#like. if i could just die and know that everyone who knew me would feel nothing about it and wouldn't have to worry about shit like#paying off my student loans or paying for the funeral or whatever. that would be great.#it's like#i'm nothing but a burden and a chore if i live#but then i'm nothing but a burden and a chore if i die#why can't there be a way out that just. doesn't cause any damage to anyone or anything else.#like yeah maybe there are good reasons to live but#the financial and emotional burden of my existence outweighs my desire to keep going#statistically by the numbers i would absolutely be better off dead and should've died a long time ago#but then i'm still a financial and emotional burden if i die anyways. so. the problem remains.#the world never wanted me but here i am anyways. i wish i never revived when my heart stopped while i was being born.#my life continues to amount to nothing positive.#just an accumulation of trauma and grief and debt for myself and for everyone with the misfortune of knowing me.#just give me a way out. please.#i'm tired of being trapped here.#vent#tw sui ideation#tw sui vent#tw sui talk
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Iāve made a short, tiny piece of criticism regarding fandomās behavior of being super demanding and not engaging with the thing they demanded. But thereās something else thatās been bothering me for a while nowā¦
This fandom feels very baby. In that way, I mean that it feels super young. So young, that certain popular people on Twitter who would have been called out for numerous counts of various flavors of poor behavior in other fandoms get strangely shared around a lot here. I donāt find much in the way of deeper analysis topics or video essays. Memes (that if I may be honest) have been used to death and beyond still get repeatedā even when itās completely unwarranted. The worse of the meme brain rot crossover with steep bigotry people tend to overwhelm and act incredibly disgusting in some corners of the fandom and on official posts.
Like with any thing or community or what have you, thereās people who seek engagement bait and spread negativity. Iām surprised at how successful it can be to do that in this fandom on Twitter. It creates such a rotten atmosphere. All in all, a lot of these things have been pushing me away from the community even though I only joined into this series in 2021. It feels like some kind of tide turned for the worse.
Yes, this fandom is in fact relatively new in a way. Itās existed for almost two decades but exploded some years ago with a continued high stream of sudden growth. But there are certain things that Iām still astonished by.
#yakuza#ryu ga gotoku#like a dragon#I feel weird as itās been a long time since I posted about grievances#last time I did so was when I was into Hetalia but things are just weird around here depending on where youāre at#I also have to dig my nails into my hands to stop myself from mentioning certain names#I donāt wish to start anything of course#some people just do too much#and I mean genuinely bad things such as leading attacks on others and chasing them out of the fandom and engaging with homophobia#also Iām not sorry but the ten years in the joint meme died a very long time ago please make it stop#this is an official warning Iām the fandom police actually I drew my badge with crayons#also also Iām just tired of watching people spread lies#thereās so many lies people do out of bad faith readings especially if it involves Yokoyama#and it doesnāt help that so much official info is in Japanese and will never be translated#Iām pretty sure I complained about that too before actually#anyway Iām always weary of sharing my feelings on fandom#the grand takeaway is to never interact with any fandom ever donāt even look at other people put yourself in a dark impenetrable dome thank#oh yeah thereās also the fun issue of people only focusing on the goofy side content and getting pissed the live action isnāt including#that but also simultaneously getting very angry that the pirate game has pirates (with no context so far)#I look in any angle and something head-splitting is going on
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kinda insane how someone on here can become one of the most important people in your life practically overnight but people youve known for the better part of eight years and have called your best friends for six will only hear about your special interest in passing
#š« #sorry having thoughts#also missing a friend from a long time ago#i wonder where she is now#ik she was moving schools last year#i wish i had the courage to talk to her again#idk#dies
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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And furthermore, I am not too keen on the film Aliens (1986) and I think if we're talking about the best film in the franchise, it should not even be in the running. Honorable mention at best.
#it's just kinda weird to me that people tend to prefer what is clearly an inferior film to its predecessor#if you want to argue that it's better than 3 or Resurrection I'll disagree but I'll listen#Aliens is on par with AvP to me#i wish i cared about things that matter but that part of me died a long time ago
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canāt kill myself until i see fob again canāt kill myself until i see fob again canāt kill myself until i see fob again
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I want to murder the love I feel for the man that cheated on me twice and beat the fuck out of me every day while claiming he loved me more than anything
#He is now dating the girl he cheated on me with at LEAST twice FOUR years ago :-)#so awesome and great for me to know they probably stayed in contact that whole time! love that!#found out bc he got a text and it said āI could kiss you all dayā.#while we were together and everything was fine. I donāt understand why he did that.#this shit literally makes me want to off myself lol#and it fucking sucks because we dated for five years and it was so good for so long#and I love him more than Iāve ever loved anyone#but thereās nothing I can do#he also was the one who got me addicted to fentanyl.#and as soon as he went to rehab and got sober he left me. I wasnāt clean yet and could have died and he just left.#found out soon after heād been seeing her.#when he cheated he sent me multiple pictures of her naked and her in our bed.#and my dumbass got back together with him.#every time#I was fucked up before this relationship but now I am literally irreparable#I canāt heal from this shit#heād tell me to kill myself#and say he wished I was dead#knowing how difficult shit was for me and how suicidal I was#heād strangle me and spit on me and trip me and punch me in the face#heād constantly tell me I ruined every aspect of his life and that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him.#then heād tell me that Iām abusive because of my mental illnesses.#Iām so tired :(#Iām so fucking damaged and broken from this shit I cannot even put it into words.#abuse tw#physical abuse tw#physical abuse cw
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the weird thing about depression when you no longer want to kill yourself is that it's soā¦boring? like it's almost so fucking boring that you cry just to have some interesting emotion?? you realize that the wanting to kill yourself part was kinda like a little dopamine rush. it kept things interesting. a will-they-won't-they kinda thing between you and the river styx. and it's not 2013 anymore so you can't even romanticize it cuz everyone's got depression now. like you aren't even special anymore for being depressed, you're just depressed.
#depression#anyways my grandpa died a few days ago and I'm okay but obviously I'm a little low in energy#and I'm not depressed as in diagnosed depression (anymore)#but the emotional state of depression is the same as the long term mental state of depression#except this time I don't wanna die so it's just fuuuuucking boring#what they don't tell you about healing is that it just makes poor mental states boring af#like what do me and the depression have to talk about?? I don't even hate myself anymore so like what? are we gonna talk about the weather?#the depression was like: wanna listen to morrissey?#and I'm like: bro it just doesn't hit the same anymore#the depression: was it something i did??#me: it's not you it's me I'm sorry i wish i could be different#the depression: are you cheating on me with that damn bitch prozac??#me: surprisingly no?#(anyways that got away from#but basically if you're depressed just know it doesn't serve you to see it as a thing that makes you interesting)
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also me going thru sex withdrawals and feeling unloved when itās literally my own goddamn fault bc i get too drunk every night and pass out before anything can happen
#stupid ass bitch#literally most of my problems are my own fault#neglecting my relationship for alcohol!!!!#oh my god i wish i died a long time ago#personal
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literally the biggest mood of all time, ms williams
#why do i have such a loyalty and deep seated devotion to my depression that feeling anything even remotely close to good is a betrayal#idk maybe itās because for as long as i can remember my default state has some form of uncomfortable#like i know in my mind that itās okay to be happy or at least somewhat close to it#but that doesnāt mean i donāt feel weirdly guilty for it#like i literally just got out of a depressive episode where i was extremely suicidal#and yet i still feel guilty?#like donāt i deserve a break?#i almost died a few years ago and i still feel guilty about that#my relationship with happiness is so bizarre#i canāt remember the last time i was mentally stable#probably never#but thatās bc my brain is wired funny#like even when iām not depressed my brain isnāt fully functioning at all times#idk my point is iāve been feeling good lately and iām working on feeling good about feeling good#which sounds ass backwards#but itās the truth#i mostly try not to think about it and just enjoy what iām doing that day#results tend to vary#maybe itās also because i hate when people i love are hurting (like my love is currently) and i wanna take their hurt away from them#and i feel bad for feeling good when they donāt?#idk itās fucking maddening#i do wish i could help ppl better tho just anyways#but without ripping myself apart in the process#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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why did i dream that my cat was dead š
#apparently dreaming about death means that you're ready for change and ending an era of your life#wish it were so simple#i also dreamed that my grandmother died in the same dream#we were at the wake with my parents#she died a long time ago so idk why she was in my dream#does double death mean i'm double ready to change ??#lu.txt
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Nearly at the end of bayonetta and honestly whoever green lit that missile/Jeanne final fight chapter -
#Like I'd seen all the boss fights and the general plot overview and the lore and of course the hitless stuff#That did not prepare me for the 1:30 hour SLOG without a save point that was that chapter ToT#Like I'd just come from the barge angel boss fight man give me a break š#And I had to fight that stupid spinning four fingers guy again. HATE HIM. HATE HATE HATE.#And I died sooooo many times to Jeanne too which fair enough!!!#But I was so wired and tired even before we got to the fight because of the STUPID long missile sequence!!#Literally half that time would have got the message across. Why did it need to last that long?????? Ten minutes straight??#Never mind how many times I died there at had to restart the whole thing :')#If I quit at Jeanne I'd have to do that again. No thank you!!!!!!!#Literally had to pause the game put the controller down and lie down mid fight I was sick of it#My fingers were genuinely sore q-q#There's a very small sweet spot where the slog repays in triumph and relief and then past that you're just glad it's over#That chapter passed that point somewhere back in the first missile phase FOR REAL#And to make things worse I'd used up all my healing items in the missile phase so I had to do the ENTIRETY of Jeanne ITEMLESS#It would have gone better if I'd ever been able to really practice my combos. I wish you could go into that loading area at will#The technique try zone doesn't count because it doesn't have that list along the side and the book you have to memorise and hope you know#When you do it right#Lmao the game loads too fast now!!#Anyway that was absolutely awful. You can really tell that game came out so long ago it would not have flown now#In fact I can't think of many games that still use stuff like save points it's all just save in settings and autosave areas#Definitely one progression for the better XD#Outside of awful chapter lengths I'm having a FANTASTIC time I'm definitely going to replay many other chapters#bayonetta#Bayonetta chapter
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floats gently facedown in a river & gets swept out to sea
#so u see im trans but visible in a very lowkey babysteps way i only just started going by my name a few months ago and i dont really hide th#at im trans i tell ppl my pronouns and stuff if they ask! but im shy i dont introduce myself w threm and i dont pass either so like i still#get misgendered n stuff but ppl use the right name at least now#ANWYAY. so like im out but not Out yk#anyway part 2 i was leaving a thing and someone ik pulled me aside and asked me a question on my preference for something gender segregated#and it was so thoughtful and kind and no one has done that for me before and i really didnt know what to do š its really nice to know that#i can do things quietly and people will still notice and care (in the good way). i mean hes probably overheard my friends using he/him#pronouns for me but still it was so thoughtful and considerate :(#todya has been wild my intrusive thoughts have convinced me my mom died twice today (shes in perfect health dw) and i think im finally#discovering how to hold the small happinesses close each day and letting the suicidal ideation ease away and i think im figuring out how to#live better. im hoping im looking forward to the future again im breathing 1 heavens cloud at a time#n now im just laying here lsitening to this is a life mitski on repeat and feeling like wvery emotion#WELL. that was a really long rant(?) thanks for reading . how are u all :3#i wish i could erase the word like (filler word) from my vocab Its just progresively getting worse all i say is like 50 times a sentence šš
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#if I died long ago I wouldn't be hurting now#I wouldn't hurt him#jul.txt#julia shut up!#maybe it was all bad timing#or I'm just a bad person#otherwise what's there to say#I wish to disappear#because I'm about to lose nother person close to me and it fucking hurts#and it's all my fault
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