#i wish I could take your pain
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aim,
when it feels like the current world is collapsing on you, what do you do to escape?
OB is genuinely such a safe space for me. im 18yo rn and i'm going through the shit y/n went through almost word for word. i'm stuck in my shitty home town. my dad's an ass, but one good thing is i was able to break up w my porco. i thought it'd make me feel much happier and in a way it does, but the trauma he left behind will still fucking linger till the end of time and that's what hurts sm.
i feel like i'm stuck in a pithole. i really really need someone to tell me it gets better bc i feel so alone rn. whatever asshole told u that ur writing is not good is clearly wrong because ur fic was literally my safe space. safer than the 'friends' ive known for years. safer than my ex. safer than even my own dad. i love u <33
Trigger warning: Abusive relationships.
First, I want to say that I am so proud of you for feeling like you could come to my tumblr and talk about this.
I'm choked up writing this because of how sorry I am that you have endured what you have. Know that I admire you for pushing through every single day, even when you don't want to. Even when it's easier to give up than stand up. It pains me to know that I can't snap my fingers and make it all better for you. If I could, I would because I know how hard and painful it is to experience what you are right now. I see you, and I hear you, and I am listening.
I understand your trauma, and I want you to know that what you are feeling at this stage of your life is common. Your relationship wasn’t normal. You experienced things that no one ever should. It's unfair because you are stuck dealing with something within you that was placed there by the hands of others while all you ever tried to do was love. The things you went though altered your brain chemistry in a way that not everyone can understand unless they have been through something similar. It changes the way you see things, the way you see yourself, and how you live.
"No one talk about how hard it is to recover from abuse love after the abuser is gone."
He took pieces of you with him. That is what people like Porco do. It is how they live, how they breathe, and how they strive. It's sick, and it's twisted, and devastating. They make you feel like you are the darkness that will damage all things you touch, when in reality it’s them. They are like leeches who only live when they are stripping you of who you used to be and making you feel like you will never be worth more than what they make you feel like you are. They are miserable people who want nothing more than to make sure you are miserable too.
You got away. You broke free from him. That's what matters. Not the time lost or the things you wish you could go back and change. I am so proud of you because you made the impossible possible for yourself. You saw you were worth more than what you were faced with and you did something about it. That is huge progress in itself. It takes so much to be able to do that and you did. Now you have the power to take your life back and build yourself better.
Healing, in general, is an agonizing process but especially when you are trying to recover from abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. It is not linear. There is not right or wrong way. Some days it feels like you are on the hilltops with all the progress you’ve made, while others, it feels like you are stuck in the same exact place you were when you left him. It's like grief in that way.
It is normal when you are coming out of something like this to feel like you are stuck in a pit. It's the way it is when the abuser leaves. I blocked things out that I didn't remember happened to me until a couple of months ago. There are things I can't talk about to others, not to my best friends, not to my family. Because it is scary admitting things out loud, you can barely even admit it to yourself. I am saying this because even if you are still dealing with trauma, if there are still trauma responses, your body reverts to or triggers that you have does not mean that you are not making progress because you are. Every day you choose to get up and get out of bed is progress.
I want you to know it does get better. It might not seem like it, but it does. And you might now know how but it will. I was with my Porco for six years. I was stuck in my hometown because of him for years while my friends left me behind and lived their life the way I wish I would have. I was isolated from them because of him. I needed people, and I had nobody. it was the most frustrating thing in the world as I tried to navigate through the darkness knowing nobody would be on the other side waiting for me.
I couldn't break free from my Porco until I was 22 years old. And that was when I finally left my hometown too. I started writing okay, bambi only three months after my break up because I was like you. I felt stuck and scared and lonely, and if I didn't do something, I was going to go so far down into the darkness that lived within me created by him that I wouldn't be able to find myself again.
Now, I am 24, and I am finally starting to remember what it feels like to be alive after years and years of not knowing if I was dead or actually breathing. I am stating my own experience here because you are still so so young. You have so much of your life ahead of you. Trust me when I say that you are just starting. There is so much life to live and so much of the world to see. And so far, all you’ve seen is what he has limited you to.
My advice is this. Find what you love again. Revert back to things you enjoyed when you were young. Things you loved before you met him. Whether it be writing, reading, being active, or collecting items. Sometimes figuring this out is trial and error. It wasn't until my early twenties that I knew I could semi write and that it was something I enjoyed doing. Now, I have a fic that people gravitate to. That they find comfort in while I find comfort in them. If you told me at this time last year I would have thought you were crazy. But there truly are better things waiting to you. I promise.
My second advice is this. Talk about your feelings. And if you can't bring yourself to speak, write your feelings out, even if it's only for you to see. Even if it's pages that you will burn. Buy yourself a coffee. Develop a skincare routine. Watch seasons upon season of anime. Do the things you love even if it feels like you don't deserve it. Because, you do.
Please know my asks will always be open to you, as long as my direct messages. If you have not joined the okay, bambi discord my readers made, please do. We have a community there that we would love for you to be a part of. There are always VC calls where we play games or watch movies with each other. Sometimes online friends are better than IRL, especially when you have things in common.
I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I am so proud of you for getting up, for brushing your teeth, and for showering. I am just so proud of you for still existing. Please keep going. Keep pushing. One day you will be able to look back and see all the progress you made you couldn't see before. I love you to the milky way. I hope my advice helps, and if it doesn't, I am sorry. I am still learning the aftermath of being abused and am trying my best to heal too.
I’m not sure if I am making any sense. I wish I had all the answers, but I promise better days are coming than the ones you have endured. You’re so precious. Don’t ever forget that.
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Why would anyone ever hurt him 🥲
#metalocalypse#toki wartooth#we emotional about toki tonight folks#he's so skinny T__T#i cant look at these for too long sdjhfdjsd ughhhh#toki i wish i could take away your pain#basu post
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In this hypothetical, the prosthetics are detachable, able to easily be modified or repaired, even customized for visual or fucntional preferences.
Getting them is about as safe as any other major surgery; certain amount of risk, yadda yadda. There's more details that would sway an answer, if this were something currently going on -- like the cost, can you sub out these prosthetics if they ever halt production, do you need medication to retain them, blah blah-- but, here? This is wish fulfillment. If you have something that hurts, or you wish you could just fix or swap out, you get to have it, just this once.
#em.txt#poll#polls#honestly i run a lot of polls & sometimes am like 'oh i hope this one gets even 15 notes' no i hope this one gets big. 16 notes at least#because this is interesting to me.#idk. it's probably a sign I'm not as able bodied as i may think bc i constantly am thinking like.#i wish i could pull out my spine & get the crick out of it. i wish i could replace my ears.#they can't hear very well & they always hurt & i always hear tinnitus. if i could swap them out i imagine some of that going away#i get people that might object to this -- your ears aren't killing you/you can get hearing aids/pain meds/ignore it#but I've been living with this my whole life & it has only gotten worse. I'd like a way to make it not get worse#otherwise next option for me is spine. option after that is probably prosthetic top surgery i wanna be able to take them thangs off#& put 'em back on when i feel like it. i want them thangs to be see through plastic with wiring & lights inside ya feel me#like i got a dualshock controller for oubitties
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Another day, another suspiciously yellow and black animal showing up that i have named Bill.
This poor injured swallowtail was in the backyard, so i offered him a variety of flowers then moved him to a safe spot since i cant really do more to help him. He kept trying to climb my arms, but i politely asked him not to try to crawl on my face and i think he agreed.
When I was grabbing some flowers down the road, there was also a flock of goldfinches flitting around the thistles to add to my yellow-animals tally, but i couldn't get any good pics of them.
Between the goldfinches that have shown back up for the first time since june, this butterfly, and Bill the Caterpillar (who has since crawled off somewhere), I'm starting to debate whether spending the past 2 weeks joking about being possessed by bill cipher was a good idea.
Also i came face to face with a deer while out alone last night and i didn't like the way she took a step toward me when i held my hand out. She bowed to me so i bowed back and after about a minute of staring she decided to wander away.
#starting to fear that im living in a bill cipher themed arg#i am taking every pain to be as nice to all of these freaky animals as possible fjdklsa#just in case#id be nice to them anyway but it feels especially important now#i also usually wouldnt pick up a butterfly but his wings are already too messed up for me to really do damage : (#im learning that if you joke about gravity falls being real enough and pretend to be paranoid#then that paranoia will quickly stop being a joke fjkdlsa#the deer especially freaked me out. theyre around here all the time and are very cute#but when you lift up your flashlight to see eyes shining at you directly at human eye level its kind of Freaky#i always try to bow back to the deer. just to be nice.#was lowkey highkey convinced that she was going to try to shake my hand with her weird little hoof#also i hope bill the caterpillar is safe wherever he went#and that bill the butterfly enjoys at least one of the flowers. i wish i could do more for him but i dont have an enclosure : (#seriously though if i get possessed.... oops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#cute animals#insects#bugs#other things#fluffle talks#not tagging this as anything but i used the show name in the tags so itll probably show up somewhere anyway fjkdsla
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Oh my god HOW DID YOU LIKE SVSSS!!!!!
i liked it more than i thought i would but overall less than i might have given the potential of the story, i think in general i really enjoyed the characters (mxtx never goes wrong with characters, she creates them in a way that makes me feel unhinged) and the world building but the pay off to the set up—which i really liked!—felt a bit........ i mean, just alright.
the dynamics too are pure mxtx, personally the bin/gqiu dynamic specifically really was the least interesting part of the whole story. to me!! but individually i loved both characters. my interest was just elsewhere because """elsewhere""" felt way more fascinating idk how to explain it
was very, very happy about the extra with airplane and the yue qingyuan / shen jiu one because that's exactly what i wanted more of in the story itself as well as just more shen yuan/qingqiu interacting with cang qiong mountain
maybe it's my orv brain but like i told jana a while back i think i would have enjoyed svsss way more if it was more about shen yuan (loner; hater; etc) suddenly finding himself among all of these people (disciples looking up to him; sect siblings relying on him one way or another; common folk admiring him; etc etc) and starting to.... live? again?
Shen Qingqiu hadn't noticed that, unconsciously, he no longer considered the disciples around him (...) to be mob characters the novel had described in a scant number of words.
^from volume one, he starts seeing them almost immediately because he's not actually that separate and he genuinely cares. all the time. about everything. even before that we get:
This was only a book, and all the people were constructs, imaginary characters. Logically, Shen Qingqiu was very clear on this fact...but when a character was actually being taunted and bullied right before his eyes, it was just flat-out unrealistic to expect him to be completely unmoved.
like why are you lying, shen yuan (<- svsss tagline if there ever was one)
just the idea of this really lonely detached guy finding a community, i know it's not the story mxtx was trying to tell but again, with the set up i really wanted to see it go in that direction.
there's one line from vol two where liu qingge goes "you fear becoming a burden to cang qiong mountain (...) but cang qiong mountain fears not your burden"
and basically what i'm saying is that i wish the story had been about THAT
(and also ning yingying's lines in that same chapter about shizun always taking on everything himself and why is it always you like that whole moment with the cang qiong mountain almost begging him to see that they care. idek what i'm saying but you know)
(also foaming at the mouth that we only got tiny tiny glimpses of shen yuan's life from before, those handful of times he mentioned his siblings i wanted to take a bite out of my kindle. tell me more!! dear fucking lord tell me more!! keep talking! elaborate!! he really felt very "kim dokja and his fourth wall" at times, sorry once more about the orv brain)
tldr: i guess i wanted a story about shen yuan/qingqiu but mxtx created svsss to be a story about bin/gqiu. and i just have to be okay with that.
#does this make any sense? no. am i still hitting ''post''? yes. sorry kay#fra.txt#fra.xml#pathos-logical#overall i quite enjoyed obsessive lu.o bin.ghe. so intense and possessive about the one person who showed him a little kindness#(so what if he also showed him a lot of pain too here and there?)#but like i said the bin.gqiu dynamic just didn't pull me in. of course to each their own#(''one person'' but poor yingying was trying to help him since day one.)#but also..... to me it felt like his arc was the least satisfying. he just.... is. whereas most everyone else seems to evolve more tangibly#right now i can't help but think of tianlang-jun. ''i can't bring myself to hate humans''#not to mention all the women from his harem becoming characters in their own right#i wish i could explain myself better but i don't have the words. sorry!#l.uo bin.ghe you ARE interesting i just feel like your story could have been more#as an apology here's my favorite line of yours: ''I don't want you to repay me. I just couldn't get over my anger''#see?? i pay attention to you too baby boy#i should re-read all of ^^^ that but i won't </3#edit: one thing i forgot to mention is that i did like the small snippet we got of bin/g-ge reacting to shen yu.an/qin.gqiu#like now that's something that immediately caught my eye it already made for such a more fascinating dynamic.#also i've seen a few things about shen yua.n (not trasmigrated) getting to meet bin.ghe/bin.g-ge and again that i would take a peak at#fully black lotus bin/g-ge coming face to face with shen ''i'm a hater but also can't help but be kind all the time'' yu.an truly pickles#my tickle. i'm sat. i'm listening. i'm compelled.
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oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
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Through what medium do you primarily write? (Pencil, computer, voice to type, old timer typewriter, what?)
I type on my laptop in microsoft word. I used to write with pens and notebooks or booklets of printer paper folded in half and stapled when I was a kid (I wasn't allowed to have my own phone or laptop until I turned 18). I do occasionally write on paper if I have an idea when I'm traveling or if I'm doing a description study.
A description study is when you sit quiet and alone in a place and descriptively write down on the paper everything that you can see, hear, smell, feel, and notice about the place you are at. It's very handy if you travel to a different biome than where you normally live, like a desert or the prairie. You can save the description and use it later in a story when the characters are in a desert. (and then people ooh and ahh over your on-point setting descriptions as secretly cackle with glee)
#I wish I could do speech to text#cuz I get hand pain and sometimes have to take weeks-long writing breaks#but every speech to text program either a) is $60+/year subscription;#b) doesn't work very well;#or c) unnecessarily wants access to all your personal info like location/contacts and refuses to work unless you give the program permissio#an unexpected ask#cheeto my beloved
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okay but like I joke about how much I like fireknight and how it consumes so many of my waking thoughts but it actually does . it does so much to me. a lot of it was built through fanon and clinging onto scraps from the games bc i doubt devsis will ever let them interact again but they are like insane to me.
fire spirit’s weird relationship with affection and love is also part of why I like them so much yes that was the source of the divine visions earlier .
nobody look at the tags of this post.
#he’s not built to love or love normally but he wants to. “they say true love is like an eternal flame”#he has that as one of his dialouge lines and actually I’ll never shut up about it man he can pine so hard#but he doesn’t know what to DO with that pining because he IS the fire. he finds something he loves and he wants to consume it#make it a part of him. it’s like fuel to a fire. and a fire will not stop consuming that fuel until it’s all gone or until it’s forced away#he destroys what he loves because it’s in his nature. he causes the end of the world in two of his costumes#���I don't care if even I disappear. ... That might even be better.” hey man I hate you. get onto my writing pages#but anyway this changes in fireknight because while knight is this image of heroic values. he’s also protection#he’s loyalty until there’s nothing left of him to serve what he believes in. and even past that he will protect what he loves#where fire spirit is destruction. knight is preservation.#and fire spirit loves him. he loves him down to his very being and core and he wants to be with knight and make him his#and if knight reciprocates then he is the same. and that is terrifying for fire spirit#because if knight let him consume all there was of him then he would. and despite how he loves him and to love he causes destruction#he doesn’t want a world without him. so he pushes knight away#and he pushes too far despite how much he wishes to dig his claws into him and never let go. never be separated and to thrive with the fuel#and this hurts him. he’s without something to fuel him. he falls to ashes then painful flames then back to normal then over and over#and he tries to forget but he just wishes he could love normally. love something and not destroy it#love something that can be like an eternal flame. something that won’t be lost because he holds it#eventually I think he figures out how to deal with it more but since they met pretty early in fire spirits godhood (to me at least)#he doesn’t have any idea how to handle any of it at first#And he wants his knight back. he needs a ground to walk on#he claws and begs for something he himself pushed away#you can’t have your cake and eat it too#Knight is also a criminally insane homosexual but fire spirit takes it to unprecedented levels
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hmmmmm ketil anime backstory bad
#it adds nothing to the story and interferes with his character progression imo#the point of ketil is that nothing that bad has happened to him until now. he's done everything right and it's always worked for him#and when it goes wrong he completely breaks down and makes all the worst decisions for everyone around him#also it ruins the conversation between sverkel and arnheid :( which is so good and understated in the manga#all he says to her is 'it's your decision' and 'i wish i could help.' manga!sverkel genuinely feels for arnheid. she's a real person to him#but anime!sverkel bringing up ketil's sad backstory when arnheid is going through all that just feels super insensitive#obviously ketil has nothing to do with arnheid losing her family and he didn't enslave her himself#which imo is part of why arnheid has been able to accept being with him! she knows she could have ended up with someone much worse#but like. he owns her. she has to devote her life to him whether she wants to or not.#it feels super gross for another character (and the story in general) to direct her/our sympathy onto ketil in that moment#her son was murdered so that she would be more desirable to men like him! this scene should not be about ketil's pain!#(also the line about why hjalti was killed was conspicuously absent from the anime which takes some of the teeth out of the whole storyline#fandom musings#vinland saga
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like not to sound like some edgy piece of shit but that is also why horror is like such a breath of fresh air to me lmao like in almost all the horror media i've seen
#like horror media is the most accurate representation of real life for me cause . life is suffering!!! life is pain!!!#everything fucking hurts !!!!#like i really liked that there were multiple suicidal characters in made in abyss#or at least a common theme was that death is sometimes the one and only way to relieve your suffering#bc thats true! the best day of my life will be the day i die bc i will not be in pain anymore !!! <3 SO TRUE MIA !!!#even the characters that werent horribly deformed like mitty and irumyuui. vueko wanted to kill herself bc of trauma#and saw my beloved i LOVE SAW !!!!! and i FIRMLY BELIEVE that saw is just like real life <3#bc a lot of the victims arguably did not deserve to die. they did not deserve to be “tested”#a lot of good people suffer irl and a lot of bad people get away with what they've done#and sometimes you wake up in a situation that is not your fault but theres nothing you can do to get out of it#sometimes you are forced to endure something that will maim or kill you#and if ONE PERSON decided it was not worth it to hurt you you could have been spared.#and sometimes you panic bc the easier option may be letting yourself die but you wish it wasnt#you wish there was a key or that someone would come and free you painlessly but there isnt a third option#sometimes its immense pain and then death or just death. and you can only pick between those two#sometimes all the fucking tables are turned against you and you can do nothing to fight back! ultimately you just have to take it#and nobody is coming to save you either. someone picked YOU to be the one to suffer and die and now you just have to endure it
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if we meet again, somewhere far away
My dearest, I will not rush to join you in heaven, to stand by your side again.
I will not run to the arms of relief, the sweet embrace of death, to escape this pain.
I will not end my time prematurely, I will not do as you did.
I will take my time, picking flowers in the field, buying every souvenir, eating something new, meeting the people you did not.
I will take my time, in visiting the places that you wanted to go with me, smiling in the sunshine, getting wet in the rain.
I will gather these experiences, photographs, trinkets, flavours, scents, and I will present them to you, when it is all over.
I will empty my pockets before you, and show you what you willingly gave up. I will show you the laughter, the joy, the love, the light, and the sadness, the grief, and the bittersweet.
I will present it all to you, and I will tell you, smiling, "Do you see what you missed?"
And I will sob before you too, and I will ask what I've been wondering all this time, "Why didn't you want to Come with me?"
And I will have to settle for the answer I didn't want, "I didn't know there was such beauty, until you showed it to me."
And I will grab your hands, and I will look you in the eyes. "I could've shown you, if you'd asked." And we will both cry and apologize, finally understanding each other, because we will both know that I was lying.
#tw: suicide and death#someone i knew passed away a long time ago#and no it isn't the anniversary of their passing#it isn't close to their birthday or a special day at all#i miss them every day and not just on holidays and I wish there was an afterlife so I could meet them again and I could tell them#“do you see what you left me with? do you see what you made me do without you?”#and I want to show them the mountains and my university dorm#i want to show them my cats and introduce them to my boyfriend and I want to take them to a field of wildflowers#and I want them to feel the sunshine on their cheeks and that indescribable joy that fills in your stomach#i want them to tell me that they understand why I love living and I want them to love it too#I want them back. I want them to know the sound of rain and the view of sunsets on the ocean and the screams on rollercoasters#and the pain of breakups and the heartbreak and joy of moving away from your parents and I want them to know#I want them to know the first day of high school. I want them to know graduating from middle school. I want them to know and have known#and I am angry that they will never get a second chance because the world is cruel but beautiful#and yet i understand that what would we be if we were given a second chance at life? would we be more loving?#would we be more hateful?#there is only one chance at life. and all I want is that I could go back and I could remind them#this is your one chance. and it gets better#i promise#because i didn't understand the beauty of life until I was without you#i wish i could have shown it to you. and I will spend forever regretting that I couldn't#vent poetry#vent writing#vent poem#poetry#poem#depressing poem#tag: in case you're wondering where i went
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.
#warning: rant about parent ahead#I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles#like exceedingly so#but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing#and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE#you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all#and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on#and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them#but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us#she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me#and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc#but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day#but of course she won’t hear it#so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now#but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him#’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc#THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS#i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it#It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno#and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room#it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t#i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me#so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago#But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with#and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do#AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER
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obviously im biased but i think if your hearts really set on it or even just considering it you could enroll at your community colleges associates program for nursing ^_^ im not sure how competitive they are right now because im going for a bachelors and not an associates but i can say from my firsthand college admission experience is that once you get in you reallt have to rush to put down that deposit fee so you don’t lose your spot . though i don’t want to sugarcoat and say it’ll be easy because it’s not it’s really hard and i can only imagine condensing four years worth of material into a two year program can be even harder ( nursing school acts as a functional way to prepare you for the NCLEX btw . you get your actual experience on the floors when you have a job and during clinical rounds . ) if you want a little slither of a taste of notes these were my cardiovascular notes
though im also really bad at keeping things concise so this one is probably a me issue . i do understand how the heart beats now though
Yeah the thing that stops me in addition to "gets squirmy around injuries" is "it's hard". There's a lot of things I've wanted to do in life, like I've joked before that if I was in a cartoon I would be a journalist by now because in 10th grade my english teacher was begging me to join newspaper club, took a career class and interviewed a local newspaper journalist for it and felt at home in the building, have had multiple community college professors encourage me to continue on as a journalist at the nearby [big university in Washington State] campus, that sort of thing where it looks like the dominoes are lining up. Or ever since I was a kid I've wanted to be a librarian but that requires a Master's. Or be a clown or actor but that's such a narrow field AND the social anxiety outweighs it now. Or zoologist/marine biologist/some guy studying animals but again, bigger degree. OH I forgot about psychologist when I was younger too. But yeah it's like so much time needs to go into these (okay maybe not clown) to the point I'm like "why should I try when I keep changing my mind" so I stick with my basic entry level manual labor job and hope by some miracle i save enough money to be able to live off savings with my besties in a house together
#asks for sky#mahkari#sorrh that got heavy i should probably go back to sleep since the pain meds are working right now#i will keep your words in mind though. i wish there was like. a trial class i could take to learn basics#i think in the perfect world my dream job is professional student/jack of all trades :)#i get to learn as much as i want and then bedazzle people with my knowledge. maybe even apply it when the time calls for it#and theres no expectations for me to turn it into a career because hey! my job is to just learn! yup thats perfect for me
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What’s the appropriate way for me to respond to customers handing me religious pamphlets/cards? I’m not worried about getting fired btw.
#sorenhoots#I was considering eating the pamphlet but that isn’t fun in practice. only theory#I considered crumpling it up and throwing it in their face but that might count as like. attacking lol.#like I have so much to say. maybe I should just vent at them about how Christianity left me broken and hopeless and [redacting details].#not for their benefit. just to drag them through my incredibly painful emotions. maybe to make them suffer with me. maybe just to vent#without worrying about how my vent will impact them.#the first one took his card back when I said no. the second left his pamphlet and the TONE he used when he told me to read it. THE TONE.#was like a parent telling a toddler to eat their vegetables. ‘we’ll give it a try. it’s good for you. it’s got good stuff in it’#god I wish I had facial recognition so I could refuse to check him out next time.#the first guy has a memorable appearance so I’ll never check him out again.#but that fucking second one. ohhhhh I was so mad. I went on break and went straight to the warehouse#to break down boxes for the bailer. exercise is very regulating for me! I felt much better afterwards#BUT I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING NEXT TIME. either funny. or scathing. or rude as all hell. or anything.#anything that will let me feel like I have some control over the situation. I can’t make them take back their pamphlet… well I could. lol.#Sir do NOT leave your trash here. I am not a trash can. you can throw it away down there#where our trash can is located.#anyways another guy tipped me $2 so that was real nice
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well now that we know the cult is back, imma need some heavy bernard angst from the comic. the panic attacks, relapses into unhealthy behavior, pushing people away, imma need all of it.
#'but you're okay now?'#'some days.'#make that no days now bear#i need it to start off innocuously too. like he puts off a date or two claiming that he has homework. he's clumsier now. like he doesn't#care what's in front of him. he walks into a pole once and ends up with a huge bruise on his shoulder. bernard presses on it for weeks.#and then comes the 'it's just once. I'm not gonna do it again.' behavior. the purposeful pain. the dig his nails into his wrists until#it stings. the bandages on the inside of his thighs kinda pain.#the 'tim can never find out about this' type of unhealthy behavior.#i need bernard to escalate until he wakes up aching one day and it's like he's gone back in time to the beginning of his cult days.#i need him to look himself in the mirror one morning and realize that even if could stop hurting himself he's not going to.#i need him to start loitering around the old cult building knowing that it's wrong to wish they were still active but wanting it anyway.#i need him to go on several benders. so sorry but i think he has a fake id and definitely buys alcohol.#oh my god... wait wait wait!#i need him to go out one night after assuring tim that he's gonna go straight home and get kidnapped by the cult again.#oh my god he wakes up on the altar again. mouth filled filled with wine and his hands tied down and he-#he relaxes. because he was chosen the first time and now he been chosen again. he's still good. thank god thank god he's still good.#and the first time they chose him he was bad. struggled too much begged too hard to be let go. but he's better now.#they chose him. again. he won't fight it this time. he'll be good this time.#this is just your friendly reminder that#cult conditioning takes at /least/ 5 years to wear off. usually more.#my man bernard is gonna be having a Lot of bad days#anyway#bernard dowd#dc#td:r#timbern#ig
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anyways. i hit tag limit and now im going to go to bed late bc i have to clean the whole kitchen. but the last 48 hours have just been so emotionally intense and exhausting and painful. i relived july 5-29 2022 in 48 hours. and it was better than that ofc bc i wasn’t uhmmmm shut down and unable to express my feelings 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but it was still horrible and the worst is over but im still in so much emotional / mental pain rn and it’s gonna take a while to recover from that and i don’t have the emotional resources i need to do so obviously. yayyyyy 🥳
#purrs#delete later#the MMMMMORTIFYING. MORTIFYING. ordeal. of romy leaving the way she did. and never being able to recover from that so the wound has festered#only for someone else i love and cherish and depend on to leave. LIKE IFS INSANE TO ME. it is so crazymaking. i can’t withstand the pain of#it. but OF COURSE i can like they’re not d*ad or anything god forbid a million times they’re just moving on. but im just taking it so hard.#in ways that are so… unhealthy and abnormal and hard to carry and hard to live through. and again living in fear that it will happen one#more time and i’ll be truly alone then. but then it’s like silly tess pepprs you already WERE alone! because nobody can meet the four needs#except for you… or like a significant other if you could get around your psychic block 🥰 but yeah. i am not functioning well and i#don’t know how to get the relief and healing i need because it’s a process etc etc. i just wish this wasn’t happening. i feel so wounded and#bruised and horrible rn. like my heart physically hurts… ermmmmm 😳‼️#also im namedropping at this point idec. i feel bad about it and i shouldn’t but imgonna give myself and my future self this one today LOL
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