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jaegersmoon · 2 days ago

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As a person who hasn’t experienced these horrible things that y/n has, could you please explain what made her jump to react that way? I mean this as a genuine question, I am so confused after reading. She receives a threatening letter and her response is to be unnecessarily cruel (and very hypocritical) to someone who has treated her very well rather than be concerned about the letter and explain what happened? However, maybe it is best for them both to work through their traumas before getting into a relationship.

lord let me lock in. just warning u this is abt to be long asf bc i have a lot to say.

i don’t speak for everybody but i do speak as someone who was in years of a very abusive relationship and for y/n’s characterization that i worked extremely hard on.

one thing about me is i am a very intentional writer. the signs of y/n’s fear of abandonment and love, lack of trust, and her want to run away were always there, sprinkled and foreshadowed all throughout the book. you just need to read between the lines.

when y/n defended jean at the club or in the bathroom at cyberwave when she threatened annie or confronted those girls, those things weren’t written just for the fun. they were meant to be indicators to show that y/n has unaddressed trauma and has accidentally picked up reactive behavior that she grew up around both in a household and love.

even when she was nothing but kind and perfect and put together to make other peoples lives easier, not wanting to be the burden she was made to feel that she was since she was a little girl, the turmoil within her was always always vicious. it’s just not silent anymore.

why do you think jean had to pull her out of her head so many times?

the things she said during the argument were INTENTIONALLY hypocritical and full of projection. jean needed to call her out for it and point out the things she didn’t want to see or else she would keep going the way that she's been going, faking her joy and hiding her true issues away for the sake of others. she has trained herself to be that way FOR other people. to keep them happy and help them be the best person they can be because of her incessant need to fix people. looking back at ob since the very beginning y/n has been someone who has constantly been advising and being there for others. i.e. helping jean navigate through his own grief, sitting and talking to reiner about his familial issues, advising mikasa on her relationship with eren etc. she is a giver to a FAULT and she uses her calling to help others to distract herself from the fact that she needs help, too. her empathy runs deep for others but she has none for herself.

i can't stress enough that ever since her mom died, y/n has never had a complete breakdown like this, mind you her father even shamed her for crying at her own mother's funeral. so that is nearly ten years of bottling pain, grief, anger, disappointment, fear and a million other things. instead of fixing herself she put all of that energy into fixing other people--her father, porco, lucas, jean, her friends in trost--leaving her fraudulent in her own happiness and her healing. if you look at her life, what happened in 41 was a long time coming.

the hits made by jean were very direct which is why she got even more angry because of how exposed she felt. she KNEW that she just didn’t want to acknowledge it made her push away 10x harder.

she was cruel because she was scared and angry. it was a defense mechanism and jean just so happened to walk straight into it and everything she has spent so long bottling came spilling out.

y/n’s childhood was nothing but reactive. so was her love life. lucas, her father, and porco were all extremely reactive people who did extremely reactive things; fighting, throwing/hitting things, yelling. and she was nothing but a terrified, softhearted girl who who learned not to react because of the consequences and instead shelled up and let the explosion happen all around her for years and years. she has fought so hard to be kind and gentle despite the anger and harm she grew up around but sadly, as it happens so frequently in life, she ended up picking up on those behaviors.

i think people are undermining how important it is that she was able to even acknowledge that. the fact that even in such a dark state of mind she was able to self-reflect and see her mistakes is so important. that's how you know that she isn't truly cruel like porco or keith. if she were, she wouldn't have been able to recognize her behavior and she wouldn't feel as terrible about it as she did. her reaction isn't who she is but rather a reflection of the people in her life before that she loved the most.

yes. jean has been kind and has treated her very well but just because that's true doesn't automatically mean that her brain will be able to digest that. you also have to remember that porco treated her very well in the beginning, too, before he became controlling, abusive, and narcissistic. so that makes her even more scared to trust. she fell for it once and it left her less than half the person she was when she met him and she doesn't want to go through that again so she pulled away herself before it could be done to her even though she is in love with jean. think of it like disorganized attachment.

when you get out of something as toxic as what was porco’s and y/n’s relationship, it literally ALTERS your brain chemistry. it changes the way you think, you feel, you love, you exist. and when i say that shit lingers. it LINGERS. you have to unlearn what their hatred, manipulation, and toxicity taught you. think of it basically like learning how to be a functioning human again because they stripped you completely of the knowledge of who you were before them INTENTIONALLY so you would feel like you would be nothing without them.

i got out of my relationship a while ago and what was done to me still haunts me to this day. i find myself unable to trust, hesitant to love, questioning my worth, and scared to be myself because of how i was shamed for it. it’s like a devil on ur shoulder that never goes away constantly reminding you what was done / said to you and constantly trying to tell / convince you that they were right and that you deserved everything you were put through by them.

it’s the same exact thing for y/n. if you read her flashback you can see first hand how brutal porco was to her and that’s just a glimpse. you need to remember that she LOVED him. like i cannot stress enough she genuinely, deeply loved him to the point she would have rather died than lose him. he was EVERYTHING to her at one point and her love for him is what got her trapped. she constantly poured into him until she was sucked dry and the only person she had once she was finally set free was herself. she had no friends. no support. no family. nothing. she has been completely in her own until she moved to trost.

porco constantly told her that she would never be loved. that they would get tired of her. that they would find her disgusting. even told her she was better off dead time and time again. it doesn’t matter who you are, that shit will stay with you. even her father made her feeling thins way, he did not gaf abt her.

people have constantly called y/n stupid for taking so long to realize that jean had feelings for her. she isn't stupid. she was written that way on PURPOSE. her mind literally cannot understand that jean could possibly see her in the light that her does because her brain is so hardwired to believe that no one ever would. it's even hard for her to swallow that her friends care about her the way they do and is constantly asking herself what she did to deserve it because she was frequently told for her entire life that she doesn't deserve anything. if she feels that way about her FRIENDS its going to be 100 times worse when it comes to romantic feelings since her only experience of love was treacherous.

and the fact she found the strength to admit to herself that she's in love with jean after coming from something terrible is very very looked over imo. coming from what she comes from that takes a lot of strength. and it's because of how much and how deeply she loves jean that she is a million more times more terrified that he is going to abandon her just like everyone else. she loves him even more than she loved porco so you can imagine the fear she feels knowing that love got her into such a mess the first time around.

when you say, "instead of just showing him the letter and explaining what happened” she said it herself, she doesn’t want anyone to know what’s on that letter. it's everything she ran from. everything she fought to keep buried. it makes her feel worthless. ashamed. nothing. if you know y/n’s character at all, you know that she does not open up or ask people for help. she never has. she literally doesn’t know how. all the other times in her life she asked for help, she was shamed for it or called crazy, or was called a useless waste of space.

think back to the scars. porco KNEW she needed help. saw it with his own eyes. she even told him that she did. she said, "i'm sad all the time and i don't know why i think there might be something wrong with me." porco's only response was: "what do you want? for me to feel sorry for you?" and that came from someone she loved and who was supposed to love her. her father was the exact same way. that response to her brokenness is all she knows. why do you think she frequently struggled to cry? because she was so shamed for her emotions she literally trained herself not to even though she feels things more deeply than the average person.

not to mention, the content that was on the letter calls for DEEP conversations about things she is not ready to have. so instead, she chose to hide it away and try to deal with it herself because that's all she has done for her entire life.

please don't underestimate the fact that when when she ran out to try and stop jean from leaving she WAS going to tell him about the letter but it was too late. he was already gone. she deserves credit for even attempting to look over her fears and confide in him especially after her trust was betrayed by their mutual friend.

you also need to remember that y/n has hardly opened up about the things she’s been thru. what she has told the gang about her life is slim to none. even jean which is what he called her out for. the only reason he caught on to the type of ppl her father and her ex are is bc he saw it first hand when he went to stohess w her not bc she confided in him. even when he asked her if porco hurt her before, she didn't say yes or no, she simply looked at him. jean was able to put two and two together reading her as well as he does, but even still, he doesn't know close to anything about the true trauma of what she went through. the only thing she ever told him that porco did to her was when he saw the scar on the back from when she fell on glass and she was very scarce on details even w that.

same with her father. jean knows he changed after her mom died and drinks heavy but he doesn't know to how severe of a degree. he doesn't know she used to have to clean vomit off of him or that he used to beat her and lucas when they were little or that he would be gone for days on end or that she was the one that found lucas when he tried to commit bc her father was passed out drunk on the couch. the things her friends / jean know about her are all surface level and she has undermined everthing she has revealed because she simply can't process what she went through was truly as bad as it was. she also doesn't want them to worry about her.

one of her most famous lines is "what if i can't bring myself to tell you everything that happened to me?" again, that was INTENTIONAL dialogue. because she can't. especially not now that one of her "friends" betrayed her after learning about her life before.

if annie knows about personal things in y/n’s life that porco told her and ended up taking his side and judging her her for the things of her past, she is 100% going to believe what the letter said and jump to the conclusion that other people around her will too. you also have to remember that everyone back in stohess ALWAYS believed porco. after they broke up, he did not speak of her with grace. part of the reason she left is because her destroyed her image. so in her head its history repeating itself. it's only natural for her to shut down.

to save herself from that pain of abandonment, she chose to take the power into her own hands since she was so powerless in all of her losses that came before.

p.s. listen to the bridge of the smallest man who ever lived by t.s. or the greatest by billie eilish. those two songs perfectly describe what she came from. her wounds are gaping and all of what she has been masking for the sake of others is finally spilling out. it was a long time coming.

#aim answers #okay bambi

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