#i will talk more abt stuff w her later...... it was literally the ending of the class so we couldnt talk all that much

[kimmkitsuragi]

SO FUNNYY how the person next to me had her browser background set as fucking MDZS and the whole class i was like. how do i tell her. how do i mention this without sounding like a creep (bc she never had that image up long enough to comment on u know, it's just a few seconds before she opens another page kinda thing) and thennnn by the end of the class she just left it on for a littleeeee longer and i was like ah fuck it I LOVE YOUR BACKGROUND!!!! and this is yet another example how yaoi connects us all on a deeper level 😸

[faaun]

the way my heart sank . lol

[girltomboy]

Last week my bf and I found out that one of our friends has been talking "seriously" to another friend's ex crush and it kinda shattered my faith in him like not only is this girl barely 18 (?? I think) but she was also the root of some huge drama that happened last year. She started secretly texting our friend and he told our other friend who then stopped talking to her and moved on. He was super broken and disappointed though. And a few months ago she apparently texted him again, this time he didn't tell our other friend, and now they have like a Thing?? And he already said he's been thinking about how to tell friend number 2 about what's been going on, but he still hasn't done it, and their Thingationship is just naturally progressing, like he's been tentatively telling me and my bf about some of their inside jokes or things they tell each other, and I'm like ?? Bruh what the hell are you doing lol. My bf apparently told him that his secret situationship is a bad idea and really unfair to our friend as well who suffered terribly after his friendship breakup last year. And he just agreed and that was it. But nothing changed, so we just figured he's enjoying the attention and connection with a girl which has been so rare for him, but I'm like... does the world end and begin with this one girl who's too young for pretty much everyone in our friend group?Just cause she made the silly decision to text you again doesn't mean you have to disregard any feelings you have for one of your best friends... Not to mention this wouldn't even be the first time he has a Thing with a close friend's ex girlfriend or crush 🙄 Like idk I know they're both single and there never really was anything beyond a simple friendship between this girl and friend number 2, but what do you even get out of a potentially failed talking stage that you have to hide from your close friend...? Idk this thing really shifted my perception of him, I noticed he was still following this girl on insta but I thought it was just a coincidence that they still follow each other after the failed attempt at integrating her into our friend group last year.

[judeswhore]

You and Jude and all of your friends going on vacation and there’s this girl there that obviously likes Jude and has desperately tried to break you guys up and have jude to herself. Doing stuff like asking him to put on her sundream and moaning while he does and like flirting with him and your obviously jealous and not having it so. Your bedroom in the villa is beside her and you leave your bedroom door open and you and jude have the most unholy sex and he has you literally screaming his name and in the morning she deffo gets pissed and obviously all the others are all ‘you proved your point now let us sleep’ and she ends up like going home early

she’s always had a thing for him but you’ve managed to let it slide for the sake of not causing issues in ur group but she’s been going too far on this trip and ur losing ur patience w her. and you’d explained to jude that it pisses u off but to him bc he isn’t interested in her he’s just telling u to let it go and ignore her bc she’s just making herself look like a fool. and at first u do but then at the pool one day she’s talking to him in this stupid skimpy bikini, tits literally in his face, asking if he’ll retie the bikini for her and ur fuming bc she’s doing it on purpose. touching his chest and biceps and telling him how good the sun is making him look and ur absolutely reeling. and so it’s out u in a bit of a mood all day and everyone can tell and jude’s been trying to cheer u up but nothing has worked. so ur back in the villa in ur room that’s right beside hers and the way it’s set out is so her bed is on the same wall as urs so anything that happens she’s 100% gna hear.

in the room and jude’s asking what he can do to make u feel better bc he hates that ur upset abt it and ur all “u can fuck me” and who’s he to say no to that? and it’s such good sex like he absolutely wrecks u (as always), has u coming more times than u can count and ur both being a little too loud and the bed is hitting the wall a little too much. jude has caught on that u want the girl to hear and that makes him wna make u a little louder too bc he wants her to know she has no chance. and ur going at it till like 3am bc one round just isn’t enough but then when ur all having breakfast the next morning everyone’s a little pissed at the two of u bc u were a little too loud. she’s obviously furious bc she heard the whole thing but then ur other friends are all “look we get u had a point to make and i think you’ve made it so can we keep it down tonight?” which has u and jude giggling bc u actually have no shame. and then later in the day u find out she’d gone home bc she “wasn’t well” and jude’s grinning at u all “maybe she doesn’t like the way i sound when i cum” bc he knows exactly why she left

[st4rshipr4nger]

OML A TUA SHIFTER??? TELL ME EVERYTHING ABT YOUR DR RN 👹 (if thats ok w u 🥰)

EEEEEE HIIIIII YES YES YES I MOST DEFINITELY WILL

okay so im the handlers daughter (she adopts me she is NOT my birth mother) and then she adopts lila but were the same age so anyway she like raises us and stuff cause shes mother and so she trains us and shit like she does in the show with lila and also me and lila kind of have the same powers ish because okay idk if youre familiar with xmen but i like have rogues powers so like power absorption and taking peoples energy and stuff so like if i touch someone skin to skin ill take their powers if they have any and their energy and i kind of get their memories too, and so she makes me wear these gloves because one time i accidentally touched her when i was a baby and took some of her energy and she almost passed out or something, anyways being the handlers daughter obviously comes with trauma so when im like ten im like mom i dont like this i dont wanna do this anymore and shes like well thats too damn bad and i tell lila im running away but we make a plan to like meet up in the future so i run and shit one night and i find the umbrella academy a few days after and Pogo answers the door and i tell him about my powers because ive seen the hargreeves on television and on billboards and im like can i just like stay here for a little while and hes like yes ofcourse but i need to talk to sir reginald and hes like wow youre weird and then i kind of become like his labrat because he wants to see exactly how my powers work but hes also like youre fucking dangerous, so he gets this serum that makes my powers go away for a limited amount of time and i have to get injected with it every morning but i meet the hargreeves and we all get along pretty quickly and they like accept me into the family and oh my god GRACE :(((( i love her so much me and ben obviously have like a LITTLE thing but none of us is gonna admit it until like later but yeah reg doesnt trust me going on missions at first but he lets me go on one which kind of ends bad so he doesnt let me go on anymore and i have to stay on the sidelines with viktor ALSO me klaus ben diego and vik are super close i get closer with everyone else too but like specifically them so like yeah!! me and ben kiss literally like three days before he yk and then i want to kms !!! but its fine he watches me as a ghost for the next 18 years!!!! but yeah its obviously hard for all of us to take and stuff

ANYWAYS!!!

so when were all older we obviously go our seperate ways but i kind of stay in touch with diego klaus and viktor (allison never answers her damn phone and luthers on the moon) i read viktors book and i thought it was fine like i dont have an issue with it he was speaking facts that nobody else in the house wanted to admit and we were pretty much treated the same also after bens death i kind of like started doing drugs with klaus again because the serums were also just drugs like be fucking fr anyways klaus also never tells me that ben is looking over us and he feels bad about it but like klaus and i are really similar [in my dr everyones like oh hes just klaus but in another body] so im not like yk i cant like stay mad but trust in my dr i will be sorry buddy anyways i still talk to diego cause me and him are also bestfriends and i try to send messages up to the moon sometimes to luther cause he and diego were literally like i actually felt like family around them theyre like my brothers but obviously wtv

thats like kind of a backstory thing i left some things out but i love oversharing about some of the things in my drs its fun

let me know if you wanna hear more cause like eeeeeeeee

also im scripting that like i dont know klaus has ben on his shoulder and that stuff cause i like to make myself suffer a little bit

[videostak]

rly strange weird thing happened last night that kinda has me in a idk just CYCLICAL feeling cause some1 who ghosted me like 4 years ago (i knew them from high school and they ghosted me like a year or so after it ended) and last night they texted me acting like nothing happened and just started up a conversation. well they said sorry but u kno just on the side like as if it hadnt been like 4 years.. this was like at 11 at night too so i dont kno i entertained the idea of conversation thinking she'd like kinda go more into why she hasnt contacted me these past 4 years. she's not one of the people i was particularly closee close to or even connected particularly well so it didnt even hurt me too bad when she ghosted me so like i dont even or cant even summon up the energy to like call her out on it cause i dont feel too strong abt it but it is v strange and .... weird. actually got a text in like idk 2020 or 2021 from a random number presumed someone i removed from my contacts apologizing for being m i a saying theyd make it up to me but when i asked who it was and that i mustve removed them from my contacts they didnt respond lol. i wonder if that was her. but also there were like 2 other people it also couldve been i wished i remembereed exactly what the text said cause if that previous text said m i a it couldve been the same person cause she also said m i a in reference to it . anyways i talked for a bit about how things were n stuuff but feel very dirty abt it . just letting someone treat me like shit and walk all over me again with no regards to my feelings like its been a long time since ive even talked to someone i kno irl so it feels so cyclical again and also my fault the way i act like completeley ok w/ ppl just treating me however and picking things back up whenever they want to. and also like idk the nerve of ghosting someone for 4 years and not even saying who u are when u do text them back like assuming theyd still have u in their contacts lol.. tho idk she did say that it wasnt just me and that she hadnt messaged any1 for like the past few years idk its v strange to not give any further explanation when it was getting later at night i texted that i was gonna go to sleep n stuff and she didnt respond and she hasnt texted today yet but its still p early i kinda hope she doesnt like idk we literally dont even have a single thing in common and i def feel like we have less in common now than back then. i also like idk dont rly kno what to do. im hoping she doesnt message again but i guess if she continues to ill be like umm hey lol. idk its so easy for ppl to walk all over me and make me do whatever like idk i think i really am easily manipulated as dumb as it sounds. like i v rarely object to being made to do things but theres no reason for me to even attempt to rekindle a friendship andthe fact that she message presumably intending to do so has to mean she like mustve gotten into a argument or smthn w/ her friends or smthn or that theres something idk. just made me feel so dirty and gross last night texting pretending

[waywardsalt]

Have you ever thought about how Linebeck describes Jolene as "crazier than a rabid squid"- only to then be possessed by a literal rabid squid later in the game?

Cause I sure have- especially after seeing a lot of your BellumxLinebeck stuff

mmmmghmm im gonna be honest i haven't thought about it much at all

linking it to my bellum x linebeck thoughts, im not too sure what to make of it in context with my other linebeck notes and w/e

there's also my idea that linebeck has a special interested in shellfish and by extension squids, and the idea of him having a weird thing for bellum, and just... enjoying sealife, and it's kinda of...

he compares her to a rabid squid to link in order to i think... offer a shorthand explanation of what she's like, and i think it (with some other stuff) is kinda just another little peek into how he might feel abt her?

i mean he also compares link to a dog in that one letter? i'm not sure where im going with that one. i dont think linebeck particularly likes dogs

i'm not sure abt the link between that and him getting possessed, jolene is kind of just... there a lot of the time and doesn't really do anything except 1) show that linebeck has enemies and 2) show that people know about link's quest by the end, linebeck generally references sea creatures a few times in ph

relating to bellum x linebeck, i dont see him comparing jolene to a squid an indicator of anything in relation to that, with linebeck having a thing for bellum its more of like. there's a lot of complicated ideas i have with what goes on between them during bellumbeck and bellum being a squid thing is more linebeck having a bit of a monsterfucker streak and having a bit of a thing for like. being tied up. as for literal squids he kinda just likes them as food and to dissect and learn about

like i think 'rabid squid' is more like linebeck just tossing out some derogatory shorthand to explain how he thinks of jolene as some fucking. violent annoyance he has to deal with that he doesn't fully understand

tbh i see the comparison but imo it comes down to a difference in characters and interactions and histories, there is the rabid squid thing (and i think in the manga too theres a vague parallel drawn ig) but im not. sure. what there is there just beyond. linebeck talks about sea creatures and wants to get the fuck away from jolene

i'm not entirely certain what you've been thinking about with that comparison, but i haven't been thinking much about it and it's kinda. eh ig???? its something

[chronologer]

🤥🌈🔥❤️📏👻for the oc ask game! Any oc, I’d love to hear about them!

hehehehe >:3 it’s oc posting time!!! i have many more ocs now and i am v happy to talk abt them, so ty for the opportunity!! i’ve been swamped with stuff so sorry this took like….. over two months haha! <3333

so first a little rundown of four of my new ocs!!!!!!

first i’ve got reynie!! (he/him)

reynie got reincarnated into a book he had read when he was younger but also not really???

the book that he thinks he got reincarnated in was a story about these two siblings discovering this hidden magical world after staying with their distant relatives over the summer

and he got reincarnated as their older brother but again. not really. i’ll get into it later.

but for now he’s desperate not to ruin things bc of his presence

i’ve been on a bit of an isekai/reincarnation kick lately so this is largely inspired by those concepts haha

then there’s the boy (he/him, but eventually she/her(?) <— i decided to trans her gender like… ten minutes ago so my thoughts abt this r kinda incoherent rn,,, but she finds out she’s a she/her over the course of the story, but i’ll use he/him to refer to her sometimes to indicate that those moments are specifically before her big gender realization)

she’s a sad, depressed, overworked high school student who is so lonely she unintentionally ends up creating a ghost/god/cryptid/monster/???????

then the monster is. v angry abt being created then abandoned. so she gets terrorized by them.

she doesn’t have a name bc i honestly just couldn’t think of one haha. calling her ‘the boy’ for now bc it’s what she thinks she is,, but her lack of a name parallels the monster’s lack of a name too so it all works out in the end 👍

and the monster (she/her at first but then eventually they/them <— they were created to essentially be a mirror of the boy’s innermost desires n stuff, so she’s a she/her at first, but then they like…. slowly branch out from that and become their own person and get their own pronouns (?) or smth?? idk.)

they’re the monster that the boy accidentally created. and even though the boy didn’t realize she created the monster, the monster is still angry so they’ve hatched this whole plot to torment her

and plot twist!! they gets attached and the two become weirdly codependent n overall just have. kind of a weird thing going on.

is it platonic? is it romantic? is it familial? idk but it’s definitely kinda fucked up!!

and finally there’s labyrinth (no pronouns??? idk……. they/them for now)

they’re also from a world where there is secretly supernatural shenanigans, but labyrinth has magic powers so they get recruited to go to this boarding school in like… massachusetts or smth, but they couldn’t care less.

as in it literally could not care less. it is physically impossible for them to care about anything bc they are like. two steps away from being fully catatonic at all times. and is also almost completely incapable of forming new memories

yeah they’re like totally dissociating at all times.

(it’s bc they have so much grief over the past that they cannot let go of it and cannot participate in the present)

but they gets better with the help of their very good roomie daniel. yeah 👍

also doesn’t have a name. also bc i didn’t wanna think of one. but smth smth it emphasizes their disconnect to the world and their life, blah blah blah plays into the themes n narratives smth along those lines.

tbh im not supppperrr happy w how i’ve characterized labyrinth??? so i might end up changing everything abt their personality. idk.

so now…. onto the ask game!

reynie is pretty decent at lying, largely out of necessity. he’s trying to hide his knowledge of the plot as much as possible, so once he figures out he’s in a book he starts lying as much as possible so people don’t find out that he knows the future. and he gets away w it, not bc he’s like… a master of lying, but moreso bc his family has no reason to think that he’s lying so they don’t suspect him of anything.

the boy is,,,… okay at lying... she’s good at the things that matter to her, but she’s bad at lying to anyone who knows her well enough, or when taking to certain topics. but also she lies all the time sooo idk.

the monster is the Liar™. biggest liar in the world and also the greatest. if there was a lying contest, they would win it. they are the most gaslighting lying faker of all time. but also tbh it’s lowkey kinda omnipotent and sometimes changes reality so the lie is no longer a lie??? still loves lying tho, especially to the boy to like. psychologically torture her.

labyrinth doesn’t lie. like. at all. tbh they really don’t understand the concept of lying. well, they do, but they don’t really see the need for it?? idk how to explain it. ig they’re not really present enough to lie. sure, that makes sense if you squint really hard. 👍

tbh it depends on what time they are in each of the stories and all bc they r all very different at the end of each of their stories than at the beginning.

for reynie…. hmmm….. he’d probably tell his younger self to not ignore the crippling migraines that he gets and also pay wayyyyy more attention to his dreams. like… get a dream journal or smth. (it’s bc he can see the future in them) also he’d definitely just tell his younger self a complete list of everything that goes wrong and how to fix it

(although this would inevitably end up making other things go wrong and probably worse but reynie would be too obsessed with fixing things to realize this fact)

the boy would probably tell her younger self to not apply to the fancy boarding school bc it’ll murder his health. or maybe she would tell him to apply bc it led to the monster being created??? tbh i think she regrets every decision she made that led her to the monster but after all’s said and done she wouldn’t change any of it. She’d probably tell her younger self that it’ll all work out in the end.

wait actually nvm all that she’d tell him what snacks to buy at the grocery store for the best price-to-flavor ratio. yeah. 👍

the monster would… uhhhh… kinda be the same ig???? idk they might try to speed the whole love-hate-overall-just-weird thing they have with the boy along by telling their younger self that the boy’s actually lowkey kinda funkalicious. groovy mcgroovical. coolio. and that they should maybe not psychologically torture her and pretend to be a ghost n all. or not. they’re whimsical like that.

labyrinth would only give their younger self advice after they start actually moving on from the past and become more present, but it wouldn’t really do anything bc younger labyrinth would not hear any of the advice at all. so it really doesn’t matter what the advice is bc both labyrinths know it wouldn’t change anything. i think they’d just hang out together and braid their past self’s hair :]

hahahhahahhahahahhahhah self destructive tendencies…… hahah hahaaha where do i begin….

reynie….. martyr complex + imposter syndrome + hates being vulnerable so will never reveal anything to anyone ever + huge perfectionist riddled by anxiety so he’s terrified of changing the plot (and doesn’t realize that his very existence has changed things) + has no regard for his own health and safety. overall just really self destructive, especially later on when he realizes that he no longer knows the plot of the story bc he’s inadvertently changed too much, making him,,,, kinda unhinged????

the boy’s mentally ill af!!!! she has crippling anxiety abt everything, which that and combined with her fear of being vulnerable causes her to be very lonely and have no support system to help. she will not reach out for help even if she needs it, which is lowkey the root of all her problems, especially the monster, since they were literally created bc the boy wanted a friend/support system so bad she ended up accidentally making one. also,,, super duper closeted and repressed.

the monster is just kinda of a huge asshole tbh which gets in the way of them forming any genuine human connections. they also hold grudges for ages and ages even when said grudges are completely unjustified, so they get so focused on revenge that it’s difficult for them to grow past it. plus they’ve got a god complex but they kinda are one??? so it’s maybe a bit justified.

labyrinth is literally so overwhelmed by their own grief over the past that they are physically unable to interact with the present most of the time. they can’t even remember their dad’s name most of the time bc they cannot process the present and their current life. they’ve got a lot of trauma and unresolved issues but they’re subconsciously repressing it and refusing to move forward which…. really screws them up…..

had to search up what all the love languages were bc i forgor lol

i’m not super sure abt any these?????? so they’re all liable to change at any given moment lol

reynie likes to do acts of service/give affirmations, and he likes to receive quality time (not that he’ll ever ask for it…)

the boy likes both giving and receiving physical touch and quality time

the monster likes giving gifts and quality time, and is above having human desires like a preferred love language to receive (it’s quality time and words of affirmation.)

uhhhh it’s kinda hard to know labyrinth’s love language??? i think they like giving gifts, and receiving… quality time??? i don’t think they care abt receiving tbh….

reynie’s pretty educated. in his past life he went to college, and in his current life he’s a high school student again, although he’s mainly just cruisin’. he was pursuing more advanced education outside of school, reteaching himself what he learned in college through self-study, but then he found out abt how he got reincarnated into a book and the existence of the supernatural, which caused most of those plans to be put on hold.

the boy goes to some fancy schmancy boarding school for smarty farty kids, although she’s not doing great there, although that’s more of an executive disfunction/the school’s way of teaching isn’t the way that works for the boy/unrealized neurodivergence/etc. type of thing. but she’s still getting a funky education.

the monster’s is super educated but that’s cause they’re omnipotent and omnipresent, so they literally do know everything (at least most of the time [when they feel like it]). they also go to the same school of the boy, but it’s not to be educated, it’s to screw with her.

labyrinth is…. okay???? they do well on tests n all that bc of,,,,, reasons??? but they actually know anything. they’re currently going to the magic boarding school in massachusetts or whatever.

ok so tbh…. they all live in worlds were ghosts are real (or could be real in the case of the boy and the monster) so tldr; yes.

reynie, once he learns abt the supernatural, absolutely believes in ghosts, although that’s largely bc he knows for sure that they exist cause they were in the book. i’m actually planning on having him become a ghost hunter later on, bc he’s going to go on a road trip to do supernatural stuff for plot reasons, and he’ll do ghost hunting stuff for cash (this entire part of his storyline was created when i finally got phasmaphobia a while back haha)

the boy and the monster,,,, uh technically the monster is a ghost??? kind of…. it’s like if god were a ghost but also a building and the boy’s future n past self,,,… it’s complicated. but the monster also gaslights the boy into thinking that they’re the ghost of some dead student from the 60s. the boy definitely believes in ghosts tho, while the monster doesn’t, or at the very least they know that ghosts aren’t naturallly occurring in the world.

labyrinth believes in ghosts, but only bc they were taught abt them in their magic massachusetts school. that’s abt it. they were told ghosts were real, n just kinda went along w it.

thanks for reading and thanks for the ask!!!! i’ll probably end up making some more posts that explain these ocs more, and introduce some of my other ones sometime soon!!!!!!! hopefully…… i also want to draw my ocs soon too but my brain just won’t let me :( sigh….

[rayvern-sheep]

Update on my mental health: I am doing better! Just in case anyone read those concerning posts the past few weeks and was worried.

I have kinda long-winded advice sorta shit under the cut if you are thinking of top surgery but know you don’t deal w/ change well, or have got it but are wondering why you still feel like shit weeks later when everyone else seems to feel better. And then some more rambling in the tags if you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh boy it’s long under the cut… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Some advice: if you have a hard time w/ big change, small change, any kind of change. Be prepared to have a hard time w/ top surgery recovery. The general consensus if you research it is that post-op depression is over by abt the fourth week, and that is actually deemed late by some sources. Many said the second or third week. If you are starting to feel worse after that point it does not mean you made a mistake! Don’t panic!

Even though I wrote several notes to myself before the procedure explaining that I did in fact want this, and I know I am bad w/ change, that did not help me when I was in the pits of a doom spiral. I’m ngl that was genuinely the worst I’ve been mentally in years. I had to ring a suicide hotline at one point because I thought I’d lost the point of life. Talk to someone you trust abt how you’re feeling. I just straight up sobbed into my mum’s shoulder abt how I didn’t understand anything anymore and I was terrified I’d made a mistake getting surgery. She talked me through it and reminded me that I’d wanted this for years, that I didn’t go outside w/out a binder on, etc. She reminded me that everyone deals w/ things at different times, just because most ppl feel perfectly fine by the one month mark it doesn’t mean I would. Then after that I just hung out w/ her. The day after that we went and did some chores outside the house. A little time outside is often a good idea, I do regret to inform you.

I’m not gonna say I’m all fixed and perfect now. I’m still low energy and back to hiding in my baggy hoodies (now I can get them on again yippee!!!) but I’m not pushing myself rn. And I wish I had some good advice other than idk have a good system of loved-ones. If you have a therapist talk to them. Don’t be like me and bottle shit up. I’m so good at bottling shit up that I do not notice smthn is getting bad until I’m at the very bottom of the fucking doom spiral and I look up and see how far I fell down it lmao.

I wrote a whole diff paragraph but deleted it. Better version though is just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Surgery is exhausting, and feeling burned-out even after a month isn’t smthn to be ashamed of. Just focus on keeping yourself sane. If possible take it easy, do things half-assed and low-effort for a while if you can get away w/ it. Just while you mentally catch up to your new stuff.

For some ppl top surgery “fixes” all their problems, but for most it does not. Whatever mental or physical problems you had before surgery, you will still have. Now, my surgeon literally told me surgery would not fix everything. I knew this before going into this, before I even had my first conversation with him, and I still had a bad fucking time mentally. So don’t expect to feel perfect. I was in a weird surreal bubble for the first like 3(?) weeks where I was just physically recovering before my head fucking lost it.

I don’t wanna put anyone off, and tbh worrying abt how bad you’re gonna feel can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wanna say that it can get rough. But if it does, you are not alone!!! You’ve not ruined your life, it’s not the end of the world, you still have something to live for. Keep pushing through, take it slow, talk to someone you trust. Try to do things that comfort you and help you feel safe. You’re gonna get through it.

Idk man I just wanted to share my experience on this. Because in my frantic research from the bottom of the pit all I could see were smiling faces saying they felt the best they’d ever felt in their life. It was euphoria all day every day. And the only ppl who weren’t feeling perfect were the ppl unhappy w/ their results. But the thing is I love my results, everything looks as expected. It’s literally how I drew it lmao, couldn’t have gone better. Not to brag sorry. But the point was, nothing was wrong physically. The majority of the physical healing was done, but my brain hadn’t been healing at all during that time. It was just putting itself to the side while the body did it’s thing. And when even proper medical sources are saying that ppl usually start to feel mentally better after the fourth week, and I was actually starting to feel shitty by that point, it rlly made me worry smthn was wrong. I was frantically trying to blame something for what I was feeling. And it was likely a whole mess of shit, with the main culprit being my inability to process change. Dude I freak out when a loved-one gets a tattoo or a piercing or changes their fucking hair. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. It stresses me out. And although I always get over it eventually, I should’ve known that this was gonna happen. After those early weeks of the itchy haze, I totally should’ve known a mental spiral was on the horizon. But I was just so lost in the sauce that was the whole experience.

I would not change the experience of top surgery for the world. I only wish I’d been more prepared for the dive my mental health would take so late in the game. I expected post-op depression. But as I said that’s usually only in the first couple of weeks. So when it didn’t happen I thought I was okay. But oooooo boy. I forgot how slow my brain is at processing shit. And hey, if I did “make a mistake” in getting my tits chopped off. If in the future I’m like “Hey I’m a woman now!” then so fucking what. There are titless women out there, and they’re no less woman than a woman w/ tits so big they break her back. Life is for living so fucking do that. I’ve not butchered or ruined my body even if my gender does change in the future. Get rekt transphobes.

ANYWAY… I think I’ve rambled enough. If I remember smthn I’ll prob add it in a RB cos this post is already long enough now. Thank fuck for the “read more” function. So I can hide all my stupid mushy shit under here and not clog up someone’s dash. Yippee!!

[chronicbloodynoses]

honestly mbikmb is actually me rn

the drum - i feel such a depressive cycle everyday and im not getting fucked up bc i cant w my situation but if i could i prob would b!

happy news 4 sadness - my ex lied 2 me constantly + my perception of love is actually so fked up after him and i constantly tried 2 change myself and use sexual stuff for him 2 love me (he treated me like shit and then convinced me i wanted too much from him)

sunburned shirts - honestly i see this as a nostalgia where it ends up not being what you remember, he used 2 look at the sun and he thought of it fondly, but it hurt more than he remembered

stoop kid - its me! im stoop kid! ive been so conditioned to my mother's baby-ing and when i try to be independent im not allowed and then i get yelled at for never helping out and im terrified to leave bc shes constantly saying that i'll fail completely on my own! also in my later "growing up" yrs i watched hey arnold LOL

something soon - i feel so strongly abt this song. trying to do things to keep from losing it + cutting off my hopes bcuz i feel incapable, i feel like the only way i'll ever b seen is to cause problems! break shit! my mother talked a whole bunch of shit about my dad so now i'll never ever see him the same despite him never actually doing anything to me! i both fear and hate him and miss him and wish i had a dad!!!!! treating what im going through as the past to keep myself from focusing on my problems so i dont kms!!!! wanting to hurt myself to have some reason to be upset!!!! wanting to express my emotions but never being able to!!!! if i cant feel better soon then im actually gonna lose my shit GENUINELY! i am completely unable to tell my mother anything bc either it has to do w her and she can do no wrong or its my fault how i feel! (fun fact- i got yelled at in eighth grade 4 listening to help let me go danny gonzalez bc of the kidnapping a girl part and my music is "too dark" LOL (she threatened to send me to a mental hospital on the same car ride to school)) this town is freezing cold!!! i need out!!!!!!! im not allowed to do laundry and my mom barely does it and acts like if i literally have no underwear then its the hardest thing in the world and i have to wait til bc shes constantly too tired (girl i just wore my last pair and im NOT wearing the ones with holes in them) wanting to be somethig more and never feeling content. ignoring my problems w content and procrastinating to complete guilt, i want to leave n sneak out (i literally could ive snuck someone in multiple times b4 LOL), if i dont romanticize what im going through i'll ACTUALLY fucking lose it (im already inching toward a breaking point xP) i hate this house!!!! ive grown up in the same butt fuck nowhere town in the same horrible traumatic house!!!!!!! i need!!!!!!!! to escape!!!!!! so bad!!!!!

guys we're halfway through the album LOL

no passion - this song is actually so depressed dancing 4 me but i honestly dont really listen 2 this one much n think abt the lyrics so no comment VERY EXTREMELY sorry for no passion fans i WILL think of u and listne 2 it more

father, flesh in rags - i love/hate this song honestly, like it kinda reminds me of my ex (scoliosis! his relationship w his dad was a big problem of our relationship!) thats all u get it kinda hurts LOL not in a way of missing him but i get really upset thinking abt all the shit i put up w and forgot abt bc of my SEVERE case of rose coloured glasses

strangers - im actually wanting to create are 4 this song LOL anyway this song is less specific 4 me (honestly i burnt out from something soon LOL) but i too am not gonna last much longer! im sofa king sick of it!!!! all of it!!!!!!

lawns - its okay will my dad left too <3

pow - fun fact my great grandpa was a prisoner of war! he was taken while he was in a plane over russia and there he learned the language in his 3 years there n idk if he escaped or was let go but hes honestly such a cool guy like! love him but he died when i was really young so i didnt get much of a relationship w him but if i was a great grandparent i'd be really happy 2 meet my great grand kid so im really happy i got to meet him

open-mouthed boy - i too call god a SHIT and then scamper off

ne way im so obsessed w car seat even if i dont have much to say and im just saying a bunch of nothing burgers i have so much appreciation for everything car seat headrest has done even w the songs i dont like (im looking at you hymn and famous) i know somewhere other people like them n are also so affected by car wseat and its just like wowzerz! love this band sofa king much! cant wait to see them live in june!!!!!

[ji-lixie]

also im throwing this here bc i have a dream tag for a reason

(copied from my dms to a friend)

ok so basically. i dont remember if it was televised or not (i THINK it might have been bc someone later mentions cutting something out if absolutely necessary but i never saw cameras anywhere or anything so???). i was on some sort of like… not survivor exactly lmao but a competition thing that was probably some sort of reality show too?

and idk there was this guy that i had the biggest crush on in high school (also unfortunately not the first time ive dreamed abt him like this ughh) who was on my team a lot and he'd continuously be flirty w me? holding my hand and saying stuff, teasing me, etc. like i think it was going on before the dream n whatnot bc i felt like it'd been happening for a while if tht makes sense since i only came in on like. Not The First Episode lmao

and idk we're all teamed up for something, waiting on ppl to pass word around or w/e, and he's literally sitting there with an arm around me, playing with my fingers when a woman on another team calls out something to him about how '(name) doesn't like you now, but give her a week lol, i'm sure she'll change her mind" (whoever it was was like. on another team entirely, im not subbing out my gov name haha id just say daisy) and i remember being like… SO thrown like um. what. why is she saying that. and the guy kinda laughs it off or w/e and says its just a joke but idk i think it bothered me a lot bc of what happens next

where we're like. in a car. taking turns getting out every so often to check around the city for more details for the quest we're supposed to be fulfilling? so that we can ykno pass it. and at one point its just the two of us in the car and im like 'you kno what, im done. i used to have the biggest crush on you in high school, but i never said or did anything because i was scared of getting hurt, and i know you never liked me back anyway so it didnt matter--but im tired of hiding it' and idk what he said back but it ended w him being kinda mad and him getting out of the car since our other teammate came back and hes like 'its ur turn' or w/e (clearly upset) so i go off to do w/e

and idk i barely remember the rest of it from there. i found the clues that we needed, we come back together, my team splits bc not all of us have to participate in the challenge (it was some sort of dance thing lol so i was automatically taken out like 'we've seen u' and i was like 'fair'). and idk i started feeling guilty bc i just kinda assumed his feelings on the situation + didn't rly let him talk. i don't remember if we got to talk before or after a small bit of someone pulling us aside like 'ok we CAN edit that whole confession situation out because it's messy but also please let us keep it in because it's messy'

[dollfaceksj]

The idea of oc going to pound town tonight omggggg???!! I just hope that when she does stuff with yoongi there’s not any annoying readers/anons slut shaming because she’s literally single & not looking for anything. Just like jk is having his fun, so can she (I just had to get this out bcs ik she’s most likely going to be intimate with Yoongi later on too so I don’t want anyone starting their annoying shit on anon) Anywayyyy, can we just acknowledge how for this drabble, there was no bullet points!!? like don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a fan of the bullet points because I’ve never read a fic in that format + when I read it, it sounds fun. Almost like reading a conversation in oc’s head & all the funny dialogue too. Ik it probably took a bit more time so ty either way <3 okqyokay, back to the fic ! The fact he put her needs first??! YUMM ! He was probably bricked up but still wanted to please her. A man. Period. His sexy dirty talk?????? The eye contact ??? OMFGGGGG like when he was all like “don’t look at me like that” “you always look so pretty but rn you’re driving me crazy��� I literally screamed. The way he still did what he did while he was talking to Isabelle!!! That was hot asf, I usually hate how smug he is (bcs ofc he is) but I wasn’t even mad, that had me feeling some typa way fr. Oc having to hold her moanns??? AHHFFJHDG. The kiss before he left was sooo intimate imo!! Like I would’ve been catching feelings lowkey😅 & wdym “an apology for what’s going to happen tonight”??? Don’t fucking play rn jk. Sexy scene aside, I really wonder how the rest will play out. Will the group catch on? Will Isabelle want a piece of jk & somehow end up ruining it for oc? Will Yoongi swoop in? I loveeee the sexual tension + im a slut for angst so I kinda hope there’s some jealousy & maybe arguing next part (idk why, don’t hate me). I’m kinda scared for what’s to come if they get caught too! Specifically Yoongi, Tae & joons reaction. There’s just so many ways this can go & im so excited to find out! Thanks for the update ! <3

yes agreed! i won’t allow any slutshaming here, even when it’s other characters that are there for conflict like isabella or hyunjoo. i dont want anyone to complain abt reader sleeping w anyone besides jungkook

yes the fact that this wasn’t bullet-point format was because i felt like an all out smut scene just doesn’t fit w the bullet-point format so i thought let me write this down.

if i get too lazy i might do it in bullet-point format for smut scenes but we’ll see how i feel abt it

thank u im rlly glad u liked it and i love that you’re paying close attention to all these details! <3

[alyimoss]

ALPHYS SUPREMACY!!!

so my own view on what happened w gaster is convoluted and incomplete so i will refrain from saying much on that front EXCEPT the fact that i hc that she was 100% close to him and he was close to her, i like to think that he often validated her ideas and her hyperfixations. i think she was super nervous around him always and terrified of disappointing him, but he never thought of her that way. he saw her as intelligent and driven and i love the idea that out of everyone he worked with, hes very happy alphys ended up succeeding him. i love the thought that he basically thought of her as his daughter, like he was so genuinely proud of her and her accomplishments and genuinely happy to see her happy. i think she showed him anime once and he was very so-so abt it and she could tell but he still told her the parts of it he liked and that she shouldnt be ashamed of liking things others might not (which, for my view of gaster, is mildly insane bc i hc him as a man who barely ever talks abt stuff like that but this shit aint abt him)

her and sans's friendship is so underexplored it literally kills me bc what do you MEAN basically noone ever gives a shit abt it???? their friendship is so so important to me. i like to think they met in high school or college, that alphys is a year or two younger but was in all the same classes (and some more advanced than him) bc she really *is* that smart (a fact i think a lot of people forget bc so many reduce her to just "annoying weeb" and it pisses me off) so theyd collab on projects and study together and stuff. she was absolutely a straight-a student but she would panic over every assignment bc of her self-confidence issues and would convice herself that she would fail (she never did. she very consistently scored at the top of the class).

i think she compared herself to sans a lot, too. bc i see him as the epitome of adhd-type procrastinator who still got good grades somehow and seemed to just- understand every concept thrown at him immediately. and she would invalidate her own work over this bc "sans never does anything but hes still at the same level as me. meanwhile i have to do all this work and im stressed all the time. god im such a failure, i wish i could just be flawlessly smart like him" (this is not projection this is not projection this is n) but i dont think she ever said it out loud bc she didnt wanna seem like she was seeking pity or smthn (sans picked up on it anyway bc bro is canonically that observant and he hyped her up in his own way as much as he could without saying anything outright bc if hes anything he is a man who does not want to confrot feelings, his own or someone elses, fucking EVER).

and like during the events of undertale theyre obviously still friends but i think they drifted apart a little. between sans's depression and alphys's own, plus her workload and stress, they didnt really get to hang out much anymore, nor be as close or as open with each other as they had been previously (which wasnt even that much considering. sans. but the shift was still noticeable). this definitely added to her stress and fears (add on to that that mostof their communication was likely thru text and alphys is absolutely a very expressive texter and someone who usually takes like seconds to reply while sans is the worlds dryest texter, would probably leave you on read (not maliciously) for days or not even read your messages until like a week later). but still he helped her out where he could and he kept hyping her up bc thats his fucking friend, man!! and then theres that list in the dog shrine casino on?? whichever fucking console version of ut it is i dont remember that is very heavily implied to be alphys's game recs for sans which i think is so cute.

i think when they did hang, theyd watch anime and eat junk food and watch movies and play video games and just kinda. not talk abt their problems at all, but it still felt nice for both to just hang with someone plus escapism so. also once she got her big fat crush on undyne (and probably before w other crushes but especially with her crush on undyne) shed sit there and tell him all abt it, the things she did/said, how nervous alphys is, how badly she wants to just ask her out etc. and sans, in typical aro/ace fashion, would just nod along, happy for his friend, and, when asked for advice, would just shrug and go "idk talk to her ig?" (pan to undynes house where the exact same conversation happens with papyrus and undyne lmfao)

and like. i think alphys is just in general the type of person to get overinvested in any kind of relationship, even if it seems like the other person doesnt feel the same. like shes probably had friendships in which she was super invested in the other person and so happy to hear from them and worrying when she didnt and letting them vent to her etc only to find out that the other person barely thought of her as an acquintance (this is NOT PROJECTION I SWE)

she absolutely would be into cosplay but initially be too shy and too full of self-loathing to really like. do it. and this is where another one of my all-time fav friendships that NOONE talks abt emerges and that is ALPHYS AND PAPYRUS. LIKE PAPYRUS IS ABSOLUTELY THE TYPE OF PERSON SHE NEEDS IN HER LIFE. he hypes her up constantly, he calls her out when shes being negative abt/mean to herself and tells her how to change that around, hes an absolute beacon of positivity and confidence and the kind of person you really feel like you can be yourself around. theyd fucking cosplay together. theyd sit down and make cosplay together from scratch. undyne would be there too, obv. i think she initially helped out, making like props and whatnot, but she kept getting too excited and smashing them, so now shes just there as moral support + she can wear the in-progress cosplay to like. help them see how its coming along, what they need to change, etc. and i think she still is like. the authority on a lot of weapons (esp prop spears) bc she has experience.

and yknow whod also help them?? toriel. i love toriel and alphys friendship, i think they have a book club-type thing going together. tori would come over and help them sew together fabric and whatnot, and also bring pie bc everyone fucking loves pie (everyone has made pie together with her at some point. even asgore, tho that was long, long ago). sans is there occasionally. noone ever sees him do any work but his parts are always done and noone knows how.

she goes to cons with undyne and papyrus and i think frisk goes w them bc WHY THE FUCK NOT. god she must have been so happy the first time she went to a con... not only is it a whole ass space all abt anime, but theres people *like her* there and suddenly she doesnt feel like the weirdo freak, shes just a girl enjoying her life and her hyperfixation and its so freeing.... she probably stays all days of the con (undyne probably stays with her, papyrus and frisk have to leave but they get photo updated almost hourly)

she probably ends up getting asgore into anime, at least somewhat. she goes over to his house and they drink tea and watch anime and she infodumps abt specific moments with her favorite characters and how important they are lore-wise/thematically and asgore goes "golly!" and listens to all of it and asks questions and alphys is so fucking *excited* bc she gets to talk even *more* abt her favorite thing and she goes into headcanons and theories and then later asgore sends her like. a photo of an anime boy he stumbled on and goes "this reminded me of you!" and shes just so happy abt it. he gives her flowers, also. both in bouquet form and potted plants. she takes care of them very, very diligently.

she still does science stuff on the surface. im not smart so idk what but she does it. she helps frisk w their homework (everyone does but shes in charge of sciency and mathy stuff bc shes good at that) and when theyre done they get boba or something to celebrate and frisk tells her abt school and abt their fellow students and teachers, she talks abt the people at her work. they play video games together (they definitely both play pokemon. they trade with each other to complete their dex. frisk is doing a shiny living dex and giving her their dupes, especially if its a pokemon she likes.) i just love her as like- an aunt/big sister type figure to frisk. theres that one drawing of them that lives in my head constantly but i DONT REMEMBER WHO ITS BY

her playlist is full of vocaloid songs. and ado. she does official sciency stuff to the sound of hatsune miku and yknow what? me too, good for her.

i almost forgot mettaton somehow?? but their friendship specifically BREAKS ME bc were shown in ut that theyre not particularly close by the time frisk arrives. that it seems like mmt is more or less using her so he can have his body finished and go on to become a star, but thats it. but like you can tell that 1) alphys knows this and 2) she still cares for him so, so much. and i believe in one of the king mtt endings he explicitly says that, looking back, he recognizes he was *awful* to her, that he regrets it and that he wishes he had been a better friend. and that shit FUCKS. ME. UP.

oh god the fucking conversation theyd need to have. once its all over, once theyre on the surface... bc i do think they had one. they laid down on the floor and stared at the ceiling and told each other about their insecurities and their lies. alphys talks about how nervous she was finishing his body, how she felt he would leave her once she did. he talks about how he did think of that, that he was an awful friend for doing so. how he cares about her and hes done letting the fame go to his head, that he wont up and leave her, his first fan as mettaton. his friend. she probably also helps her talk to napstablook and shyren, bc i do like to think he tells them the truth.

i like the though of her, on the surface, sitting on the couch in toriel'd house, drinking a cup of tea, her friends all around her talking and having fun and she just thinks about the type of person she was before all this and she realizes how much shes changed. how much happier she is. how much she loves every single person in that room with her.

alphys... like. the journey to her betterment is not a quick or an easy one. but god... shes just so relatable i do not understand people who dont like her. shes so interesting and deep as a character. shes so... shes so. man....

im running out of steam a little (and need to get back to what i was doing before this) but shes genuinely so epic. shes so awesome and cool and i wish more people recognized that.

alphys supremacy.

alphys is so underrated and everyone says it but nobody does anything about it. alphys’ relationship with gaster. her dynamic with sans. her self loathing eating away at the inside. her literal suicide attempt.??? THE FACT SHES IN ONE OF VERY FEW CANON WLW RELATIONSHIPS OUT THERE????? THE FACT SHE IS THE MOST RELATABLE CHARACTER TO EVER WALK THIS PLANET???? wtf…

i like to hc that alphys is like a sister figure to sans but not quite papyrus. i like to think she was there when gaster fell into the core. i like to think that she spent ages piecing the puzzle together only to have so many missing pieces in the end as to what happened, who the royal scientist before her was, why she remembers things that never happened. i like to hc that the amalgamates were kind to her despite what she’d done, and their attempts at comfort after seeing her guilt only made her feel worse.

i like to think that sans isn’t the star of the mystery science scene because fucking obviously, and his and alphys’ stories are intertwined. i think that alphys helps him with the secret machine in the back of his home. i think that alphys asks sans for favors regarding the amalgamates without him knowing what for (he does know, she knows that he knows, neither talk about it much). i think they’re besties who are both so depressed. i like to think alphys in her free time sits and writes fanfiction about her favorite anime characters going through what she does to cope.

i think she would cosplay but be too scared to go outside in it so she posts one picture online and then hides from her phone the rest of the day. i think once or twice she passed out from sheer exhaustion and stress combined in front of mettaton and he’s been her rock through it all and helped her get to her feet. i hc that she has frequent headaches and a brain injury which gave her a stutter. i hc she and frisk are actually close and they do ‘sleepovers’ where alphys shows them anime and they hang out and toriel gets free babysitting. i like to think alphys, after going to the surface, is more comfortable with being a nerd because wdym humans have CONVENTIONS for her favorite anime!?!??!? and that’s a key part of helping her be more comfortable with herself (undyne cosplays with her voluntarily so alphys doesn’t feel awkward).

i like alphys….

[hirokiyuu]

17 44 51 52

17.  they’re crying—what did it take to make them cry?

HMMMM this is a fun one bc for yuujin 99% of the time their reaction to bad thigns is just Push It All Down and Accept It u kno. or get angry. like literally anything that happens to them in twst their reaction is either :| or >:/

i think. they might cry tears of relief at some point tho. catharsis would hit them a lot harder than any sort of bad stuff. end of book 6 stuff definitely they were teary-eyed i think wwwww

44. what lies do they tell others?

WWW QUESTIONS AIME DAT ME SPECIFICALLY....... they tend not to lie Directly but theyre v good at evasion and redirection. the moment anyone tries to make them talk abt their feelings they are fuckin playin 3d chess abt it to get out of there

the only way to get around this is to either be good enough at reading them that you can guess what theyre not saying (leona) or prove urself trustworthy in other situations until they finally come to you to talk abt stuff themself (vil)

51. what element of their backstory are you proudest of?

HMMM i think. and this might sound a bit insane. but im really happy w/how i worked in like......... a lot of monotonous misery??? wwww like yes big sad backstory moments are fun but for yuujin there isnt really.... any one big moment as like The Big Moment That Made Them Sad u kno. like. the whole point is theyre eldest of seven and their parents are so busy working bc They Have Seven Kids To Take Care Of so taking care of the other six ends up falling to yuujin and like. the misery is less like ohhh what if we have no money! or cant eat! bc they do have those things. the misery is like. runa and makoto are fighting again so i have to break that up and while i do i have to make sure the youngest doesnt try to run out the door and when mitsukis home i have to make sure she eats something and then encourage mutsumi through her homework and also make dinner and then get everyone into bed and and and, and so its like. just the weight of it. more than anything else. the slowly accumulating misery. LGKHSADLGKHADSG I SOUDN SO TERRIBLE BRAGGING ABT THIS

52. how would they dress themselves up for a formal event?

HM...... see the thing is. they ahve no (0) money. i think for anything that takes place in their original world theyd just borrow one of their dad's suits and deal w/the fact that it fits badly. post-isekai........ tbh i think post isekai they only go to formal events With people at which point they immediately make it that persons problem. oh im supposed to go to a party hm? well im from another dismension. i have no money. ill need to borrow clothes.

i do think that later on assuming they stay in twst + their rship w/leona stays p steady i think its just like. leona throws money at the problem and makes someone (ruggie) go buy them both clothes so neither of them have to worry abt it. worlds laziest duo

OH i do think the one thing theyd bother with is changing out their piercings tho. they have eyebrow piercing + lip stud + several earrings and i think the one thing theyd like is changing those out www its the only place vil can get them to care abt fashion ALKSHGLKHASGD

[otrtbs]

OKAY SO I FINISHED THE GOLDFINCH (spoilers btw) AND I HAD TO REST A BIT BEFORE I RAMBLED BUT OMG I LOVED IT SO MUCH.

First of all, his mom. Loved her, mourned her. When she was in the museum and she was like “it’s crazy but I think I could spend the rest of my life staring at the same 5 paintings, I can’t think of a better way to go insane.” That’s not an exact quote but like SO TRUE.

Then Welty in the museum and Pippa and omg like him just casually being like my mom loved this painting and this guy wants me to take it? Hell yeah I’ll do it. But also, yeah I’d do it too.

Him staying at Andy’s? HIS DAD SHOWING UP??? Oh my lord when he met Hobie and started learning about antiques, I love them and also that later Boris calls him Potter and Hobie’s name is James? I was like, yeah that’s his real dad. But the fact that his dad showed up with Xandra and he’d been cheating on Theo’s mom? Outrageous.

Then BORIS. Do those two have severe issues? Yeah. Did I love their relationship with all of my heart? Also yeah. Like when Theo is leaving to go back to NY and they KISS and then they like both know that he isn’t saying the thing he really wants to say which is I love you? WHAT?!?! SO GOOD. Like I love Boris and Theo’s relationship and then how Pippa sort of plays into it. I mean like especially when Boris shows up in NY later and Theo just immediately trusts him. Like he does basically everything Boris asks of him without question. It’s adorable. Honestly I feel like Pippa was more of a left over of his mother and his love for her was obv not normal (hopefully that’s a generally accepted opinion).

But yeah then him almost marrying Kitsey? Also him charging so much extra on antiques? I’m not gonna lie I’d do the same thing. But then Amsterdam???? MURDER??? BORIS STOLE THE PAINTING?????

Omg and then the end. The last few pages made me cry and then I sat down and wrote a draft of my college application essay about the lines “we can’t choose our hearts. We don’t get to choose the people we are.” I’m not even kidding. Also I’m pretty sure you said that AHB was inspired a bit by this book and I could tell when reading The Goldfinch, in a good way obviously. I’m not even joking I feel like you’re writing reminds me of Donna Tartts. Anyway I’m never going to stop thinking about this book <3 I love you for recommending it

❗️The Goldfinch and Art Heist Spoilers Below!!!❗️

ohmygosh ahhh!! (i'm sorry this took me so long to get to, I had to wait until I was on my computer so I could TYPE hahaha)

Theo's mom is so amazing :,) I love her too :,)))

WELTY IN THE MUSEUM (reg's death in ahb! is HEAVILY inspired by Welty's death scene) and poor theo is so so naive in those moments too when he knows that Welty's not breathing but then he tries to be quiet as he's leaving anyway "just in case he was asleep" :(((((((

DUDE AND THEN WHEN HE GOES TO FREAKING ANDY'S UR LIKE,,, MAYBE HE'LL BE OKAY-ISH and I can talk abt andy 5ever how he always was afraid of water and hated sailing and he died in a boating ACCIDENT LIKE WHAT ?? ALSO THEO WANTING TO BE ADOPTED BY THEM ALSO ALSO when theo was as good and as polite as humanly possible bc he didn't want to inconvenience the barbours and then when he meets Mr. Barbour back in nyc after vegas and he's like "no free hand-outs" I SOBBED I LITERALLY SOBBED SO HARD

HOBIE BEING THEO'S FATHER FIGURE YEAH YOU ARE SO SO RIGHT AND HE'S SO SWEET AND KIND AND JUST A LITTLE RESTORER :,))) PLEASE

okay yeah!!!! the fact that his dad showed up w Xandra and they took his mom's stuff :,((( please i hate them, i hate them so much it breaks my heart

THEN BORIS AND OKAY THE WAY THAT THEY ARE IN LOVE! but like theo has internalized homophobia to the MAX and the way he's jealous of Boris' girlfriend like soooOOooo jealous and they looked out for each other !

Pippa!! Pippa is the morphine lollipop for theo. just enough of his past life, just enough of his mother to dull the pain for a little while but it's never enough!! and it's unhealthy!!!!! (yeah theo is like obsessed w her in a not healthy way :( it wasn't love)

KITSEY WAS THE WORST DECISION EVER! BECAUSE WDYM UR GONNA MARRY THE GIRL WHO WAS LIKE A LITTLE SISTER TO YOU ??? TO MAKE MRS. BARBOUR HAPPY? YEAHH,,,YEAHHHH ALSO THE EARRINGS HIS MOMS EARRINGS THAT HE WANTED HER TO WEAR I CAN TALK ABOUT THAT 5EVER TOO(also so many people like kitsey but i cANNOT stand her. at all.)

and then AND THEN theo charging so much for antiques and when he tells hobie finally and goes to the kitchen to get water and he's like "that's what my father always did" and when his mom was like "you sound just like your father" right before she died and when theo was like "i hated looking just like my father" SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALLLLLLL

AND THEN AMSTERDAM!!! AMSTERDAM AND MURDER!! AND THEO AND BORIS AND HIM IN HIS SICK PANICKED STATE W NO PASSPORT SITS IN MY BONES AND MAKES THEM FEEL SO HEAVY AND WATERLOGGED THE AMSTERDAM PART OF TGF IS ONE OF THE BEST (and people say they didn't like it and that it dragged on which HURTS but yk)

when i found out boris stole the fucking painting,,,my heart like plummeted in my chest,,,,,like that's why he didn't go w theo to nyc,,,that's why he got involved w all these people,,, to get theo's painting back and THE WAY THEO JUST FORGIVES HIM?? THEY'RE IN LOVE IDC IDC

ALSO POPCHYK AHH I LOVE THAT DOG THE MOST!!!!!

OKAY AND THEN WHEN THEO IS FREAKING WRITING THOSE LETTERS TO EVERYONE IN AMSTERDAM AND COMPARES HIMSELF TO THE FREAKING PUPPY HIM AND HIS MOM FOUND AND COULDN'T SAVE AND HIS MOM ALWAYS CALLED HIM "PUPPY" LITERALLY CRYING AND THROWING UP AGAIN

ahb! was inspired in part by the goldfinch and the fact that you even said my writing was remotely close to donna tartt's make me TEAR UP YOU HAVE NO IDEA I WILL THINK ABT THIS COMPLIMENT FOR THE REST OF MY LITTLE LIFE

IM SO SO SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE GOLDFINCH!!!! AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING UR THOUGHTS WITH ME!! <33333 AHHH (so sorry for the extremely over enthused ramblings on my part!! <333 )

[crepusculum-rattus]

35 but can i request ur rambling bc about your hardcore phil. i want to know more about him always

you Can :D!!! i love rambling abt this guy.. i’ve got so much just sitting in my notes app about Him. also i was getting ready for work while writing this so it took a Minute :P

so My hardcore phil.. hes my pathetic and fucked up cat who is dunked in milk daily❤️ okay haha! i’ll actually ramble about the beginnings of his story bc i think it provides the best Insight abt Him..

so when i was on vacation w my family i was like “hrmmm i want an excuse to write ender and phil interacting.” and it just Snowballed from there. bc i had to find my way through Why they would interact and how to characterize ender.

the idea was that phil is entirely new to a hardcore style world (in the logistics where players can choose the type of server they enter ehhh it’s best not to worry abt this part tbh). he’s good at surviving, he’s good at being alone (he claims). but he keeps stumbling upon structures that were clearly built By someone (cough cough it was the gods). and he’s like “haha Weird” bc sometimes he’s a bit of an idiot and thinks nothing of it… he just keeps on exploring and progressing, working on his base and all that stuff.

aaaand he’s finds his way into the nether, and manages to Stumble upon the blaze empress. and they just Don’t get along. so he gets and bad first impression of the deities (since she’s the first deity he actually Talks to). it’s not rlly the empress’ fault, she’s just Stressed bc ender has always been a little bitch, and she doesn’t trust this random guy who claims he just stumbled into her domain (even tho that’s fr what happened).

but like Whatever.. he’s like “okay fine jeez i’ll fucking leave.” and decides to take it Personally that she doesn’t like him, and tries his best to avoid the nether all together after that. luckily he’s got most of what he needs already.. since his goal IS to earn wings in this world which you usually get from going to the end and killing the dragon. soooo he’s just an entirely human dude for most of this. literally just a Guy

and eventually he finds himself in the end. and it’s .. Wrong. he knows it is. he stands in the center of all the pillars for what feels like hours and no dragon appears. it’s just overwhelmingly Silent…….. and then the fucking bitch bastard, ender, appears. and he can very clearly Tell that he’s a god, and is immediately like “before you say anything, i’m Trying to leave but i fucking can’t yet. so shut up. i get it.” but ender just smiles and phil, the idiot, takes it as a good thing that ender appears to be polite and isn’t yelling at him to leave his realm.

there’s a strange lingering feeling around ender but he just takes it as general weirdness from a god. but he ends up talking to ender because the god seems curious as to why phil is There. when phil tells him he’s trying to earn wings (which you usually get from killing the dragon lmao) ender offers for him to stay. it’s not like phil can exactly Leave since he doesn’t really have a way to get out, but the offer is nice. so he takes it :)

aaanddddd that’s the beginning of Him and his time in his hardcore world. very fun very good,, he’s not in danger at all. and it’s not like he’s Stupid, i mean he’s surviving hardcore, he just hasn’t interacted with a lot of people in general. so he’s not.. Great at knowing when someone is just using him. plus he can be pretty stubborn in his opinions of people, so he’s like.. always weary of the blaze empress even later when he needs her help. the same stubbornness is also what makes it Hard for him later once he finally knows ender better. smile.