#i will not give into. nihilism or doom or whatever

[spacelesscowboy]

hey. genuinely. it feels so fucking joever

[nightingale-prompts]

Danny lives in a horror movie-DC x DP prompt

Based on my favorite book series "tales from the gas station"

It's not every day that a mission requires the league to travel to middle America in a bid to obtain a highly cursed artifact but it certainly is today.

Locating the Seal of Silent Ashes was a task usually given to Justice League Dark but Constantine was currently busy. So that meant it was left to the poster boys to get this done. They dressed in civilian attire to investigate the last location of the seal starting with the first building on the edge of town. A small dusty gas station near the woods.

The inside had an awful smell, like death and cleaning fluid. The lights gave off a greenish-blue tint. Rats could be seen out of the corner of your eyes. Most of the chips were offbrand and crappy.

Behind the counter was the teenage boy chewing gum. He looked up at the group before going back to reading his book. He had clearly seen better days but didn't show signs of caring about the state of his hair or bags under his eyes. He drank his coffee.

The air felt off.

"Hey kiddo, do you mind giving us directions?" Clark started.

The kid narrowed his eyes as he popped his gum.

"You're not from here. That or you're from that cult in the woods. Listen I'm not joining. Seriously, cosmic nihilism and fatalism sounds doomed. Hey wait-" the teen checked his notes " No, the cult killed themselves in that mass suicide 2 weeks ago. I forgot, sorry."

The teen didn't say anything else as he went back to his book.

The horrified look of the adults shared was almost hilarious. At least to the teen if he looked up.

"Oh, and stay out of the woods. I don't want the police to come back and ask about who saw you last. Seriously if whatever is in there tears you apart I won't feel bad. I put those signs out forever ago and if I get one more girl covered in blood running in here screaming about her dead friends I'll get a headache." The teen shrugged turning the page.

"What do you mean?! Why would-?! Who's killing people?!" Barry asked frantically as Bruce serched for more reports of missing people in the area.

"I don't know. Why would I know? If you want to go in the cursed forest go ahead. I mean that's how they all die. It isn't my job to stop you. My job is to sit here and watch this store." The teen huffed in annoyance.

Before anymore questions were asked the signal of the radio was disrupted and a demonic howl screeched through the radio.

"God damnit. That cunt is back. Stay here." The teen growled as he grabbed his bat from under the counter and walked out the back door. "String bean! Get off the fucking roof you bastard! You know that radio is all I have here!"

A chattering laugh like a death rattle was heard and the sound of 2 sets of feet was heard on the roof then they lept down.

"Come here so I can beat you to death!" The teen ran around the building towards the front of the gas station chasing-what the fuck is that!

It was like a human that was twisted to crabwalk on all fours backwards. Its face was contorted into a black stretched-out smile with no teeth. It had no eyes just black sockets. All its limbs were stretched out to an extra meter in length. It was a skinwalker of some kind with chalk-white skin. It was skittering away from the teen who was swinging his bat at its head.

"Stop running! I told you before what would happen if I found you fucking with me again!" The boy meant it as he finally landed a hit and began wacking it over and over it.

The skin walker screeched and tried to run for its life but couldn't.

After reducing the monster into a black puddle the black-stained teen came back inside to sit back down not paying anymore to the monster blood he was covered in.

"Sorry about that. Most of the freaks around here have learned to stay away from this place. That one is new and he doesn't listen. You'd think they'd learn but Sting Bean thinks he can torment me. Petty bastard." The teen sighed "anyways are going to buy anything or are you going to waste what oxygen we get in here with this shitty ventilation.

Diana couldn't help but admire the boldness of the boy. He had no hesitation or fear against the beasts of this area even if was crude.

"Does Constantine have a cousin or something? Just a more angry one" Barry whispered to Hal.

[hyperrealisticblood]

say what you will about garten of banban (a lot of which is probably justified) but the fact that theres a series out there that can deliver a halfway decent monologue about nihilism and hopelessness, culminating in the exchange of "life is too short to be sad all the time" "our lives aren't.", giving you a glimpse into the dread that these manmade abominations feel on a day to day basis, hopeless in the knowledge that theyre doomed to an eternity trapped in an underground facility, never able to experience the world from the false memories they have, and none of them can help each other because they dont even know how to help themselves; all before two seconds later Choo Choo Charles from hit indie horror game Choo Choo Charles appears out of the fucking abyss and the cutscene ends??? fucking CINEMA. dudes on twitter can cry all they want but i need more of whatever this nightmare slop is immediately

[another-goblin]

Random thoughts on Sunday and new Tingyun

Now that they officially teased playable Sunday, I'm worried about something. The game tends to introduce important things about characters to then completely disregard them (I think Blade is the biggest victim of this; I might make a post about it. I mean, currently he's just like a grumpy but harmless socially awkward uncle. He might have been a bit mean to our friend, but it's all in the past, right? Nothing bad worthy of addressing. Not like he was teased as a cosmic-level threat, a spirit of vengeance fueled by pain and madness who subjected DH to decades, if not centuries, of exquisit torture and killed thousands of innocent people).

So Sunday is basically a typical "morally-grey" vilian, doing a very bad thing "for greater good." And let's not forget what he did to Aventurine. He prodded into his past, knowing that it's a very painful topic to him, with no reason basically, just to show that he has an upper hand. And then just doomed him to 17 hours of absolute torture and inavitable death in the end, knowing full well that he isn't responsible for Robin's "death." Again, vilian behavior.

How is the game going to deal with it? My prediction - by completely ignoring it. He's going to be just a normal chill guy who just loves his sister. The story will handwave everything he did off as his mentor's fault or something. I really hope I'm wrong. A character being forced to face and process the bad things they did and achieve character development through it would be a first for this game. But just wait and see them completely neuter one of their most interesting, complex, and morally-grey characters.

BTW, they really have a tendency to remove responsibility from characters. 

Whatever Blade did, it's not his fault because he was driven crazy by mara and Jingliu's torture. But it's not her fault because she was driven crazy by mara and whatever Yingxing and Dan Feng did to Baiheng. But it's not their fault either, because although they kind of still exist enough to create some kind of connection with these past events, it's not enough to bear any responsibility for what their past selves did. A lot of very bad things happened, but nothing is anybody's fault, how convenient. Similarly, what Cocolia did isn't her fault because she was controlled by stellaron. I hope they won't do something like that to Sunday.

Speaking of new characters, not gonna lie, I'm very excited to see new Tingyun (also glad to see a new version of a non-Astral Express character).

I hope she's not some messed-up zombie reanimated by Ruan Mei, but our good old actual Tingyun. But her return to Luofu is going to be awkward. I mean, we had a whole sad little event, everybody saying their heartfelt goodbye to her and stuff, giving her postimous gifts. A bit impolite of her to return alive now. 

But that finally puts an end to the idea that there are stakes and that playable characters can die. After so many fakeouts, it loses its impact; even if they actually kill a character for good one day, nobody will believe it. My prediction: next they'll find a way to make Misha and Gallagher "real boys."

btw isn't it weird how they make very similar characters sometimes? First we have two 5-star young barefoot girls, who are physical destruction and have very similar mechanics. Now two 5-star fire nihility foxians with pink tails.

[anxiety-pickle]

Jade and Aventurine analysis pt 2

bc I have chronic can't shut the fuck up disease

I’ve been seeing a lot of rhetoric floating around that we can’t judge (or even get a good idea of) Jade’s character because she hasn’t had her character’s release yet, which I want to address, and I’m going to do so by comparing Aventurine’s 2.0 appearance and Jade’s 2.1 appearance and related context, and why I don’t think it’s going to be a ‘switch up’ situation

This might also count as a Jade + Aventurine design analysis / theory?? I’ll leave that up to the jury

For some context, I started hsr because of Aventurine in 2.0. I started maybe a week or so before 2.1 came out specifically because I was so interested in his character, and by that point I had already made my determination about his character. And let me tell you I clocked him right off the bat. Not a single part of 2.1 was actually surprising to me (as terribly awful as much of his backstory is) and here’s why:

Aventurine’s first official appearance was his debut in “White Night” which turned out to be a direct parallel to his character arc as well as 2.1’s story, with lyrics such as “you’re hosting / a magic show I cannot escape / there’s nothin’ else left for me to do / goin’ to the other side”. This directly references both Sunday’s use of Order on him as well as him traveling through the Nihility to find Dreamflux reef

More importantly for his character however are the following lyrics “There’s no one else left for me to lose / goin’ to the other side, other side / I don’t want to be alone tonight / I’ll bring to you my best disguise / ‘cause you don’t need, don’t need to know the truth”

It tells us BLATANTLY what Aventurine’s character is - we know everything about him right from the beginning, even if it wasn’t clear that the song was about him

Now let’s move onto his design: This is an even more meta discussion of his character, but Aventurine’s design does a great job of telling us everything we need to know about him. 

Let’s start with the general card motif. The first thing I noticed was the recurring Spade design which is all over his outfit (and later turned out to be the suit that he applies to himself with his shield). In the Tarot deck, Spades are associated with intellect, action, air, and death, so already we have some morbid connotations with his imagery

Next is his general outfit: it’s very extravagant and superfluous; there’s obviously an element of seduction to his design (both with the choker and the chest window), which is likely a reflection of Aventurine’s views towards using himself as a chip (which I’ll get to later). This immediately illustrates to me that he has no problem using whatever means he has at his disposal to do what he needs to, even at risk to himself (which was later confirmed by his language towards himself in 2.0)

Finally onto the choker and the bracelets. Both are inherently restrictive pieces of clothing. The choker particularly calls reference to a collar (you might notice that Topaz, an indentured servant, also has a choker in her design, whereas Jade’s neck is bare). In Aventurine’s case, the bracelets and choker were particularly noticeable to me after Ratio and Aventurine’s staged 2.0 conversation wherein he’s called a “doomed Sigonian thrall” or openly called a “slave” in the Chinese dub

All this is to say, every element of these character designs are thought out and we can glean relevant information from them

Now let’s talk about Aventurine in 2.0

Initially, he deliberately antagonizes himself by playing up his frustration at the Astral Express taking up time when correcting a room-booking issue, and establishes a point of negotiation between himself and Himeko, who he perceives to be the leader

He ends up giving the Trailblazer his room (which he went to great lengths to get) at no benefit to himself - in fact, it’s a very large inconvenience

Multiple times he emphasizes that we, the player, should feel free to “use” him, once again showing he has no regard for his own life at all

The most damning piece of evidence, however, is that Acheron straight up clocks him the second she lays eyes upon him, “There are people who possess unwavering resolution and faith, even unto death, and they do not wield such conviction for good. One who wears a blade must use it to cut eventually. And when a gambler has nothing to lose on the table, he will surely go for broke and bet it all on a final hand.” (The Youths Who Chase Dreams)

In the ten minutes we see Aventurine on screen, he’s already 1) given up his room (to his detriment), 2) used dehumanizing language towards himself and 3) someone else who’s seen him for 2 seconds went wow that bitch looks suicidal (and she was right)

My suspicions were then confirmed by the following conversation with Ratio and Aventurine (which we now know to be scripted)

When Ratio says “doomed Sigonian thrall” we see the camera pan down to the brand on his neck while also showing the discomfort on his face → and to be honest, the sheer amount of people who weren’t immediately aware that the brand represented something dehumanizing at the least was a little surprising to me, because there were no positive connotations (or even neutral ones) in that scene. It made it very clear that it was something bad, maybe something done against his will / was outside of his control

The last important scene in establishing Aventurine’s character foundation is with his conversation with Sparkle (again, the reception to that conversation made me… a little uncomfortable. The way her comments were received freaked me out a little I’m ngl)

She first makes comments about his eyes, so we immediately know that they’re uncommon

She then tells him that Sigonians belong in the sewers (which is a crazy thing to say) and essentially says all of them are liars and thieves, so now we have real in-world prejudice against the planet that Aventurine comes from. Now we can identify the even more specific prejudice that Aventurine’s ethnic group, the Avgin, experience. Sparkle makes it clear that his eyes are distinctive and can be used to identify him as Avgin, immediately thereafter telling him that he and his “thieving people” belong in the gutters

Aventurine also says that the Dreamscape is “frivolous, vain, and flashy - and that suits me just fine” (Gentleness, the Name of Nocturne)

The worst part imo was when she mocks him, “Did you strip yourself naked, apologize to him on your knees, and promise that IPC would never harm Penacony?” (Gentleness, the Name of Nocturne). This remark is exponentially worse now considering his full circumstances, but it was already bad just as it was stated. A lot of people just took this as a joke, but I can read so I didn’t. There is a very clear power dynamic being established here - between Sunday and Aventurine (which ends up becoming relevant in 2.1), but it also establishes that there’s a power imbalance between Aventurine and the rest of the world. It doesn’t help that Aventurine doesn’t say anything to that - he doesn’t even appear offended. I assume that’s hardly the worst thing he’s ever heard said about him. The backdrop of “all Sigonians being liars, thieves, and social manipulators” definitely doesn’t help that either - playing on the assumption that because he’s Sigonian he must also be a whore

So this is yet another instance of someone (Aventurine or other) making a remark about Aventurine using himself as a tool to get what he wants → so, both internal and external instances of people using dehumanizing language towards him

This informs us that both Aventurine, and the world around him, do not value him

All this is to say it should have been abundantly clear to anyone who was paying attention what Aventurine’s character would turn out to look like: he is very clearly posturing through the entirety of the quest, he is very clearly self-destructive, and his self-esteem certainly can’t be very high

And I was right! I was exactly on the money. So now, using what we’ve seen of Jade, I’ll analyze why I don’t think Jade is in a similar situation as Aventurine (or even Topaz)

Now we don’t have nearly as much Jade content as we had Aventurine content at the time I made my determination about his character, but I feel I have enough material to make an educated guess as to what Jade and her motivations actually are. Let’s start with character design

First thing’s first: the snake. This is very clearly a Biblical allusion to the snake and the Garden of Eden. Broadly, snakes are already symbols of trickery, deception, lies, and sin (all of these having culturally to do with the christian hegemony). 

So basically, Jade has THE symbol of sin and temptation

Now, this COULD be a red herring, but so far her actions match up to her motifs - if anything, the snake is a reflection of herself rather than some kind of disembodied act / third-party-manipulation

In her splash art, the snake has an apple in its mouth (representing “sin”) that literally bleeds onto a contract she’s signing. So already we’re not painting a pretty picture here

Back to the jewelry around her neck: her necklaces are in no way as restrictive as Aventurine or Topaz’s chokers. I believe this was an intentional design choice, especially when comparing the “openness” of her outfit to Aventurine’s. Despite his attitude and posturing, he spends much of the quest making defensive gestures (such as crossing his arms or holding his arm behind his back, and largely keeps space between himself and others). He is also almost entirely covered up, aside from the chest window. This could just be due to hyv being weird about women, but I do think there’s something to be said about the relative flowy, open gestures of her outfit - Jade doesn’t dress like a woman who’s afraid

In her splash art, we can see her standing at the bough of a tree (perhaps representing the garden of Eden) and a man crawling towards her, offering jewelry and other valuable items. This man does not seem well, and the audience can extrapolate that he is not doing this of his own free will / there is coercion of some sort at play

Another comparison I’ve seen made of her clothing, and one I have to agree with, is that of a Southern Belle, and given the whip, animations, and the context in which we see her for the first time… let’s just say she’s not beating the allegations

This is a more minor character design choice, but note that her nails are sharp and pointed in her splash art. This is usually done to appear “animalistic” in some way; prescribing nonhuman traits to human characters so that they’re associated with a particular trait. In this case, the pointed nails are likely a reference to either the snake or the “demonic” connotations of “sin”

Her stone itself, jade, has different meanings in different cultures. In Chinese culture it is commonly used to symbolize success, good fortune, and prosperities. In ancient culture it was also believed to connect humans to the divine realm. I find this interesting because Jade herself works as a symbolic “connection” between the rest of the world and Diamond, who might be considered “divine” in some senses as he is an emanator. She says that she is the only person working directly with diamond, so I wonder if her stone was chosen accordingly?

‘Jade’, as in the stone itself, is also a ‘catch all’ term for both nephrite AND jadeite… so, Jade isn’t even an actual ‘designation’ of stone, referring rather to a spectrum of stones. Nephrite and Jadeite can be distinguished by their toughness and translucency. 

It’s somewhat ironic that aventurine (stone) is considered a cheap counterfeit (and Aventurine refers to himself similarly throughout 2.1) meanwhile Jade isn’t even its own individual category of stone. 

Next let’s look at her in the 2.1 plot

The first time we see her, she’s acting as a JUDGE. That is important to emphasize because people consistently downplay her role in his sentencing. I’m not sure why she was acting as a judge in this case (it might have something to do with the massive amount of money and infamy the case caused, or maybe there just wasn’t anyone else with high-enough clearance to take the case, or maybe she expressed personal interest in Aventurine and wanted to hear his piece in person), but she was literally the SOLE acting authority

I’ve already discussed Aventurine’s suspicious lack of legal options, so we know that Jade is basically the only thing that stands between him and literally dying

Immediately, she’s the first thing we see on screen, and she takes up the entire screen - domineering, pushing Kakavasha into the corner even in his own memory. This establishes another very clear power dynamic between them. Jade is sitting above him in her perfectly styled clothing while he stands beneath her in chains. The first thing she says to him is to assign material worth to his body, and goes on to admonish him for killing a slave owner - so, we know whose side she’s on, basically

Granted that Kakavasha basically just “exchanged hands” within the IPC, that’s not surprising that she’d have such a blase attitude

Here, we also see the shift in Kakavasha’s voice - I’m not sure when the change happened, but I do think he ends up mimicking her (both with the hat and the manner of speech). We already know Aventurine has the unfortunate habit of picking things up from the people who’ve hurt him (eg “all or nothing”)

I think it’s honestly a shame that people aren’t willing to engage with Jade’s character as it’s presented because that incredibly unhealthy mentor/mentee relationship is much more narratively complex and imo worth exploring than whatever it is they’re doing over there

Jade clearly has all the power over this transaction - Aventurine makes her an offer, and she accepts, but it was her choice to do so. She could have just as easily sentenced him to death, but she figured that she could get something out of him - notice how her tone sharpened after Aventurine made his wager. As soon as money was on the table, her attitude changed.

So, again, my opinion has been thoroughly substantiated by the way she acts: I think she is sinister and cunning, like Aventurine, but in the opposite way - Aventurine makes himself out to be an incompetent fool to trick others into underestimating him, whereas Jade uses a soft, kind voice to lure others into a false sense of security.

We can’t say for sure how Jade perceives herself, but I think that’s irrelevant to the discussion of her character analysis. By this I mean her motives for doing this seem entirely geared by profit, but the reason she seeks that profit is unknown. Regardless, I don’t think there’s a backstory in the world that could make me “switch up” on her. Now I’m gonna move on to 2.3 leaks so if you don’t want to see those be warned

*leaks start here

I’ve already gone through her eidolons (the clearest reflection of her soul) and they all pretty much just reference her position as a loan shark. So, predatory and exploitative in nature

Jade’s kit sucks HP from her teammates

Being a capitalist parasite is literally baked into her kit that is SO funny

Her skill drains 5% of any ally affected by Debt Collector → if Debt Collector is applied to herself, she does not lose HP but she does not receive the associated buff. So, the opposite of the self-destructive behavior we see Aventurine show (who, in his kit, literally applies a higher taunt to himself so that he’ll get hit more often than his teammates)

She may affect enemies with “blind fealty” which prevents them from attacking

She quite literally profits off of her teammate’s suffering. This is so incredibly funny

As for her light cone: THEY DELETED THE LEAKS I FOUND

If anyone knows where to find them. Please lmk. Everything I could find on tumblr, tiktok, twitter, and reddit is literally gone. I had a post saved from 2 days ago that got deleted. Idk where the crackdown is coming from (especially since Firefly’s animations are completely untouched). Maybe they’re fixing her unrendered-ass animations 

Anyways, from what I remember I think the light cone is called “Hope is Priceless” or something along those lines, which SEEMS like it should have a positive implication about her character, but if anything it feels… ironic? Maybe even mocking? When compared to the names of all of her talents and eidolons. I’m going to interpret that as “hope is a good investment because I pay nothing to achieve it”. We’ll see how that interpretation goes in the next couple of weeks I guess

Anyways, comparing that to Aventurine’s kit, which literally focuses around protection (once again showing the division between his carefree mask and his actual character), Jade straight up stealing her allies’ HP is just. So funny. Like yeah that makes sense. She’s a debt collector. Taking people’s shit is her whole job and she takes that gig seriously

From what I remember reading on her light cone, she was fixing an orphanage (or something like that? A place with a bunch of small children), and I was getting a menacing sort of vibe to it. Maybe take that with a grain of salt because I literally cannot find it to quote right now. And if/when I do I will edit this but it’s literally nowhere

**leaks end here

Notably, we have no leaks pertaining to Jade’s past or anything like that, which implies that it has no bearing on the plot of 2.3. Especially compared to Aventurine’s pre-2.1 leaks. I’m going to go out on a limb here and wager that Jade’s backstory isn’t particularly important to her character - at least, not the way Aventurine’s backstory is important to his character. At the moment, I don’t think her character or the overarching narrative would have anything to gain from trying to make her seem sympathetic, as they’ve done a pretty good job of painting the IPC workers as a morally gray entity between the IP3. You have Topaz, who is happily complicit in colonization - but an indentured servant to the IPC all the same, and Aventurine, who is unhappily complicit (note also that Aventurine was specifically assigned to the Penacony case because his methods are significantly more peaceful than whatever Opal had planned) and who is property of the IPC. From that alone we have a pretty broad gray-space of morality to work from, so I’d prefer if they went even darker with Jade (as far as motivations go).

Basically, you can’t build a villainous corporate entity off of sad backstories alone, and since the IPC references so many real irl corporations, I think it would be kind of strange if they decided to sob-story everything they’re doing away. 

If they were to go down the path which attempts to absolve Jade of her guilt by giving her some tragic backstory, or otherwise shifts the blame of her actions up the chain of command (which also doesn’t really make sense, since that would take away a lot of her autonomy and also the only person above her is DIAMOND), I feel that it would… cheapen her character as well as the story. Gray morality =/= sad backstory!!

I was also a bit confused about why Jade is becoming playable now. Like, we’ve seen maybe 30 cumulative seconds of her onscreen, and we don’t really have many story-relevant leaks right now like we did with Boothill. But Jade actually has a lot of Christian symbolism, which is significant to me because Ena has been associated with Christianity throughout the entirety of Penacony. Now, the snake alone might not have been able to convince me that this was intentional, but the tree/apple/garden of Eden imagery makes it almost impossible that it’s a coincidence. Now, does that mean Jade has connections with the Order? I have no idea, but I do think it’s interesting that she has such strong Biblical imagery right as we’re getting to leave Penacony (and with the Order, an allusion to Christianity and the Christian god)... Maybe she’s intended to be another parallel to Sunday, I can’t be sure yet. I’ll revisit that after her release.

In conclusion critical thinking is a skill and too many people haven’t practiced it

(Sorry for typos/errors/whatever I started drinking halfway through writing this)

[osiiiris]

Papa’s playlists - music headcanons

Sometimes when I listen to music I mentally associate what I’m listening to the Papas, so I thought it would have been fun to imagine a 10 songs playlist for/of each Papa. I have chosen the songs by their personalities, the kind of music they have done and the general vibes I get when I listen to the songs.

Primo:

I see him sitting on his couch by the fire, immersed in his voluminous, rich vestments. He can listen to the heaviest doom metal tune without moving an inch of his body, fully immersed in understanding the lyrics, but 70s rock always brings back his old memories of when he used to throw small parties in his chamber whenever the Beatles or his favorite bands released a new LP.

The Beatles - Come together 

Black Sabbath - Iron Man

Mayhem - Freezing moon

The Rolling Stones - Start me up

Candlemass - Bewitched

Bathory - A fine day to die 

Mercyful fate - Evil

The animals - House of the rising sun

Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss

Diamond Head - Am I Evil?

Secondo:

He has two sides: the old-school metalhead and the devoted enthusiast of good old symphonic music. He prepares himself a cigar and settles at his desk, embracing the darkness like the nocturnal creature he is, to work on papers or perhaps write some lyrics inspired by his favorite arias. In his playlist, you can always find something classy followed by something extremely heavy.

Led Zeppelin - Kashmir

Slayer - South of Heaven

Venom - Don’t burn the witch

Giuseppe Verdi - Dies Irae/Tuba Mirum

Deep Purple - Perfect Strangers

King Diamond - The family ghost

The Doors - Riders on the storm

Guns and Roses - Coma

Bobby Vinton - Blue velvet 

Antonio Vivaldi - Four Seasons

Terzo:

Ah, Terzo. Whether he's completing his nighttime skincare routine, getting dressed for a mass, preparing for a date, or simply relaxing in his chambers with a good wine, he always has a record playing in the background. He's not a headbanger, but he likes to keep the tempo with his hands. He taps his fingers on his thigh to match the drum tempo of most rhythmic songs or moves his hands softly to the sound of the mellower ones, like when he listens to "Barcelona," adjusting his hand movements based on the virtuosity of the voices.

Candlemass - Well of Souls

The struts - Kiss this

Metallica - Until it sleeps

Metallica - For whom the bell tolls

Kreator - People of the lie

Freddie Mercury feat Montserrat Caballe - Barcelona

David Bowie - Starman

Pentagram - Sign of the wolf

Sepoltura - Dead embryonic cells

Mercyful fate - Witches dance 

Copia:

I can totally picture Copia putting on something groovy like "Stuck In The Middle With You" while attempting to cook something, swaying his hips to the rhythm and inevitably either burning whatever is in the pan or creating a mess on the counter by dropping bottles and food.

Alice Cooper - Poison

Iron Maiden - Run to the hills

Steppenwolf - Born to be wild

Dead or Alive - You spin me round 

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

Judas Priest - Painkiller

The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the devil

Stealers wheel - Stuck in the middle with you 

The Darkness - Love is only a feeling

Bon Jovi - You give love a bad name

Nihil:

An old-school rocker. He would pick you up in his car with Led Zeppelin playing at full volume, take you to a bar where he puts on your favorite song in the jukebox, and by the time you come back from the toilet, he's kissing some random girl right at the bar counter. He would later apologize, claiming he was just drunk and thought that was you… a red flag you'll ignore.

The Doors - Touch me

Led Zeppelin - Whole lotta love

Elton John - Tiny dancer

Ozzy Osburne - Crazy train

Deep Purple - Child in time 

Deep Purple - Hush

Jefferson airplane - White rabbit

Elvis Presley - Suspicious minds

The Rolling Stones -  Paint it black

The Beatles - Helter Skelter

[tempestforged]

(from @maris-stellar / Yulia for Roland bc I think it'd be funny uwu) "If you ask me what is the state of reality - whether it is true or not, or even worth being called 'reality' by the dictionary definition of it, then I can respond in a myriad of ways." Yulia says this with her ever-perpetual lack of affect, remaining seated as she blankly watches Roland. "For instance, I could say it is true, it is false, it isn't reality, it's a dream, it's a hallucination, you're dying and imagining things, I'm dying and imagining things, or simply question why I'm being questioned about this at all." The commandant idly pulls on a stray thread in her clothes, the gesture seeming bored, though with the way she stares at the thread in some sort of contemplation, who knows what thoughts are going through her head right now? "Though I'm sure we can both agree that at the very least - whatever this is, it exists, and we exist in this existence. Whether it's reality or a dream or something else, we're here and we're talking. If not, then we have to question whether either of us are real. And maybe neither of us are. Maybe the concept of 'existing' isn't real either. This is all nothing. But it could also be everything, or something." A pause. "'I think, therefore I am.' A flawed statement, if one dissects it enough. But I'll go with that for an answer, for now."

-> HE STARES, more than a bit confused, as if something has suddenly pulled his legs out from under him, the former performer hadn't expected her to go along with that line of thought as easily as he had. It's new to him, for the commandant of the PUNISHING FORCE to indulge in the line of thought that lead to so many constructs to ascend to their ranks. The blank look in her eyes is utterly confusing, one that tells him that where there should be existential terror or untamed anger resides only nothing at his riddled questions.

IT'S ALMOST FRIGHTENING, the utter apathy on her face at being faced with the question of whether her reality was just a dream, a flash of neurons as the PUNISHING VIRUS became all consuming in an attempt to give her peace. He'd posed a question from ancient mythos, of whether her reality was just the fleeting dream of a dreamer near waking, Yet never in a thousand, thousand years had he expected her to take to so easily to a position of balance between Nihilism and Existentialism when faced with one of the three founding questions of self awareness.

HE THROWS HIS HEAD BACK in almost mocking laugher, the sheer absurdity of her declaration of her declaration of cognito, ergo sum humorous to the being that believed not for a second that she thought about more than the nature of doom befalling humanity for HUBRIS. The look in his eyes is manic, borderline insanity as his gaze snaps back to the utterly bored look on her features, something about the disinterested look has his visage threatening to snap, the calm, amused, look shifting into one of anger, her declaration fuelling his distaste of BABYLONIA even further.

"By that logic..." the word is spat from his tongue, like it's dirty and antithesis to him. "... Every machine struck down, is struck down for merely EXISTING."

[doledition]

hm. pessimist robin theme song 'sinking boat' by infinity song. it sounds as angelic as robin is portrayed in game...kind, loving, ever giving, classic girl next door. sinking relationship w pc, realizing that pc isn't the person they idolized...

robin giving up on whatever dream they had of escaping bailey. they know their place is in the orphanage. there's no saving any of the orphans- but they can try to make life in the orphanage better. 'they major on the minor notes...'they bring happiness into a dismal situation.

'why should i worry about rocking a sinking boat...it's all going in flames and we're dancing in a cloud of smoke...'oh robin....idealism naiveté ignorance...when simply it was a certain nihilism, an understanding of their doom, that leads robin to interact w the world without wanting to change it.

pc raising robin's confidence could be them fighting back against this form of nihilism, showing them that hope and the ability to fight back is within reach. it's confidence yes, but it's also an excitement, a knowledge- that they can climb out of the rubble of the past. they can become something, someone, *stronger*.

of course, then we have the whole 'oh no robin finds out you're a skank' plotline. robin! robin! pc is a WHORE robin! pc is JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN TOWN robin!

(yes, me and my Gay fellows ascribe to the 'robin has a madonna/whore complex'. one of the only good things to come out of freud's mouth). hmm...perhaps returning to the thesis of this song, knowing nothing can be changed, but trying to fight back as hard as they can in an attempt to make pc 'safe', to be able to idolize them once more? which can lead into some of their 'unhealthier' aspects in pc and robins relationship (such as the insistence on sex)

many thoughts. however regardless give this banger a listen it's Very Good

[ghoulierstudio]

✨Nyx✨(June 3, 2023) (like the goddess - mother of sleep, death & darkness - daughter of chaos)

-If you don’t like Art to be explained you’ll hate this- but I want to be understood & people miss the nuance of my work otherwise 🙃

The Sisyphus Empress series

characterized by spheres or balls of color at the torso of the figure(s), meant to serve as the focal point of the piece. Thus conveying pregnant/maternal-Empress imagery of tarot.

the title of the series combines the aforementioned Empress imagery of tarot & most predominantly the song Who Cares by Chloe Black. The song has a verse that is a play on words to reference substance abuse connecting to the chorus of 'nihilism high' because 'Who's gonna care for me in 100 years-hell is a state of mind... I can bring you to paradise.' I don't interpret these verses as justification or cause for substance abuse. I don't do drugs. To me, as a neurodivergent neurotic person, it serves as motivation. It also embodies my approach to my artist journey -if it doesn't matter, it can't hurt to try- in this instance to create as much as I can in whatever medium regardless of if anyone ever sees gets it, or ever connects to my work. Just self-indulgent enough to feel decadent. 'Nihilism high' & 'Hell is other people' (Jean-Paul Satre- No Exit) are among my countless tattoos. Both serve as reminders not to get in my own way or allow others to hinder me and that includes holding myself back to make other people comfortable. Within Chloe Black's song, she creates the same juxtaposition of existentialism & nihilism/absurdism. Both of which I feel when I process the series and my body of artwork as a whole. Although the cycle of creation is Hellish - Sisyphusian - the creation of any art form is fulfilling to me & creation is liberating. It really makes me feel alive and truly living with a sense of purpose. That's where the other songs come in - Hozier Work Song & 100 Years Florence + the Machine. The synchronicity of 100 Years from Who Cares to 100 Years by Florence + Machine is magnificent. 'A 100 arms, 100 years, you can always find me here & Lord, don't let me break this, let me hold it lightly, give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly'. Sisyphusian. Hozier's Work song as my mind distorts it to my own narrative - I am the man & the woman. Despite it all, I always return to myself, the creator, the nurturer, the maternal sort of figure. Keeping to that idea, I'm also the mother & the baby. Constantly recreating myself to grow as a 'mother' - creative/artist. Then back to the baby again as I take the risk like the Fool in tarot which is card 0- to create & share it with the world. I'll leave further interpretation up to you to prevent this post from being any more ridiculous.

the Empress imagery of tarot in this series expresses the Sisyphus rock as the child. The Empress in Tarot is card 3 which reminds me of the maiden-mother-crone rolled into one. Fitting since for me Sisyphus is me, the rock is me, and the rock is my potential. Yet potential can be heavy & turn into trepidation-unease. Something otherworldly- magical- the taking of an image in your mind's eye or a feeling made into something 3D becomes tainted. Sisyphus perpetually fought gravity and the doom of inevitability. I feel that way when I create. Creation itself is self-awareness, at least for me, especially with pieces like To Find It's Fleeting. Going back to my approach to my artist journey -if it doesn't matter it can't hurt to try- in this instance to create as much as I can regardless of if anyone ever sees gets or connects to my work. Just self-indulgent enough to feel decadent. I feel a bit guilty if my brainchildren just collect dust & that is a hellish state of mind albeit an Empress way of life. Returning to the Maiden, Mother, Crone idea along with the Strangeling tier + my tattoos (this bitter earth what a fruit it bears - my body as the fruit & the earth) + Dinah Washington's This Bitter Earth 'This bitter Earth... what a fruit it bears... and if my life is like the dust that hides the glow of the rose what good am I? Heaven only knows... today you're young too soon you're old but while a voice within me cries I'm sure someone may answer my call & this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all.'

The overarching feeling is to create as if the world is ending. To embrace the unknown & or potential and not let it become crushing from within - before it even really exists - to own it without possessing it. The song Marry the Night by Lady Gaga because I have that sort of heart - 'Marry the dark... make love to the stark I'm a solider to my own emptiness I'm a winner.'

[queen-beefcake-sqx]

Names are significant in Disco Elysium. The game beats us over the head with this at every turn. Many characters have a title in addition to or even in substitute of a typical name. One of your first checks is to come up with a name (which I failed spectacularly).

And here’s the thing with names — especially titles and nicknames. The way we address someone is based on a lot of things, but usually there’s some kind of obvious dichotomy created when you say someone’s name. something that reflects not only a part of them, but also a part of yourself.

There are many instances of Harry’s identity coming out through the way other characters address him, but it simultaneously acts as an establishing moment for the characters he’s speaking to — Idiot Doom Spiral calls him “Tequila Sunset”, a name that evokes their shared alcoholism and occasional tendency for nihilism (a sunset instead of a sunrise). Lena calls him, “Sweetie”, familiar and warm as she nurtures his natural curiosity. Kim’s address for Harry changes over time, showing the growth in his respect and trust toward him.

And then there’s Jean, the only one I know of who calls Harry, “Shitkid”. His own unique nickname.

It’s mean and demeaning — Harry is fucking 40-whatever, and you’re calling him kid? It’s crass. It’s cussing to cuss. It’s the kind of bullshit nickname my kids would give each other. And actually you know who it evokes to mind?

Cuno.

No, don’t look at me like that. Think about his Empathy check scene. One of the instructions I was given was basically, “Don’t let him feel threatened. Let him feel in charge and control”. Then you get him calmed and he tells you all this incredibly fucked up shit about his life and you’re horrified… but also putting your hands on his shoulders and saying, “I am so sorry you went through this, but quit saying faggot and talking about fucking people up. It isn’t edgy and it isn’t cool and you just sound like an asshat.” And I read the spoilers about even being able to recruit him to the RCM.

Look me in the fucking eye and tell me that isn’t EXACTLY the kind of vibe he gives off. You make him feel threatened and he runs off. He’s the kid. He’s the one childish and immature, harboring a grudge, willing to let Harry crash and burn to prove a point instead of doing anything remotely useful. Jean is so resentful of Harry because he used to look at him and see himself, and now he looks and sees what Harry is without his influence. And he sees the common denominator.

new theory after reading a lot of fandom meta — the fandom doesn’t write Jean mean enough.

[goodluckdetective]

But What’s the Punchline: Why the Joker is Being Written all Wrong and Why.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the circus. Yes, I am going to talk about the Joker at length here, making me the biggest clown, but listen, I promise, I have points to make. Just sit down and hear me out. 

So a lot of comic book fans, myself included, loathe seeing the Joker because when he appears, it’s usually a sign some bad writing will commence. The Joker is less than a character these days than a “stakes are raised” flag that a writer throws in to let us know “shit is serious now” like we didn’t just see the Joker a month ago in the same way. In general, his actions follow whatever the plot needs from him, plus a joke or two in a wavy font, but otherwise, there’s not much depth to him. He’s a bit like the “sexy lamp” trope except instead he’s more of a street sign that says “danger” and that street sign is in front of like the smallest pot hole to a full on burning building.

But I digress. So the Joker now kinda of sucks, but he has been good in the past. We’ve all read a story where he is actually interesting. So what happened? Well, long story short, the Joker got a bit lost in translation. 

What does the Joker actually represent? A lot of folks say society but that’s not it. Some say he’s chaos for chaos sake, which isn’t entirely wrong, and some interpretations have written him that way, but I’d argue they’re not good ones. 

I think Moore is a little closer with the idea of one bad day but I think people also really simplify what he was getting at.  Because Moore’s point in the Killing Joke (derogatory, problematic) was that the Joker is wrong. Jim proves him wrong, that’s the point. So it’s not that either.

So let’s take a step back. I think the best way to view the Joker is to start with Batman because the Joker is supposed to be his natural foil, his true nemesis. So to foil properly, you first have to decide what you’re foiling. Batman is an idea, the idea Bruce had a very very bad day and then decided to try to stop bad things like it from ever happening again. He’s not a defense of the “system” per say because Bruce goes against the system a lot because it’s corrupt and doesn’t work. But it’s an idea of justice, that those who are hurt can feel safe and that people can be better. 

It’s the idea that “the world sucks and is unfair and bad things happen, but we get up and try to make it better anyway because it’s worth it” Which fits Gotham thematically: things are terrible and dark but no one gives up, they keep pushing towards that light.

Okay so with this in mind, the Joker is easier to define. He’s not pure chaos. The Joker is destructive nihilism, the idea that “everyone sucks and the world is unfair and bad things happen and because of that, I should burn it all down until everyone else realizes it too, because we will never truly win.” A lot of the things the Joker does when written well come back to this mission statement: futility and despair. There’s no hope to be had so fuck it, let’s commit some arson and laugh because none of this means anything, might as well have fun as the world falls apart. And that fits with his character. Why is he a clown? Tragic comedy duality. Why is his backstory always changing and never concrete? Because nothing matters so who he is doesn’t matter, the city will still burn. Why does he shift tactics so often? Because he doesn’t care about consistency, he sees the world as a doomed sim city and he’s happy to destroy it regardless of what tools he has in the hot bar.

And it’s why he hates Batman so much. The Joker views the world as a bird with two broken wings from hitting the window:it hasn’t quite died yet but will never get better. Meanwhile Batman is the person still trying to bandage each wing, like birds doesn’t break wings every day, like the window isn’t going to cause this problem again, like trying to fix this one doomed bird matters. And the Joker hates him for it. He wants him to stop fighting, admit you can’t fix things and laugh. And yet Batman keeps trying to save every broken bird he can find like that will change anything. Hell, he even tries to fix the fucking window, even though some other asshole will put up another one as soon as he convinces this property owner to replace it. Batman looks at this problem and keeps railing against it, even when the chance of him saving ever bird and replacing every too opaque window is impossible. And the Joker finds that attempt to work against what he views as a hopeless situation the most frustrating thing in the world. 

(This viewpoint of the Joker also helps explain why Harley and others so easily fell for the line: cause chaos cus it’s fun is a harder sell then “we’re all doomed, might as well watch it burn and laugh knowing it was doomed to begin with). 

But instead everyone writes him as their first chaotic evil character in dnd and it’s lazy. It’s boring. It’s a plot device in clown make-up. Use a character who makes sense for your plotline. Save the Joker for what he’s meant for. 

[ussuri-tiger]

Why Catra Matters, to me

With an obvious nod to the Five by Five video that while excellent focuses on an understanding of Catra from a perspective and angle that I can sympathize with but pretty obviously don’t share in common with her.

I’m a guy, I have great parents, etc.

What Catra offers me is the antithesis to nihilism, irrational active hope.

Adora doesn’t provide this, she can’t. Whatever the odds are arrayed against her she’s got enough power that she can reasonably believe herself to be a decisive factor that if she just works hard enough things will turn out alright. It’s both burden and blessing for her but it’s a decidedly different struggle from knowing you can give it 110% and that the world will keep on keeping on without even noticing.

That’s Catra’s struggle and while she takes her time getting to the point where she acts on it she does anyways.

I’ll give two examples of what I mean, both from tiger conservation.

The late 1930s USSR was an unkind place to both people an animals and in that environment Lev Kaplanov embarked to provide the first census of the Amur Tiger and to see that these tigers would be protected. To say that the environment of the USSR and the odds were both against him is an understatement and here’s where things become a bit irrational. From that perspective it seems like it’d be all too easy to expect that no matter his efforts the 50 odd tigers still found in the USSR at the time were doomed, that his life’s efforts would vanish without a ripple into the pool of an uncaring world.

He tried anyways, marking the argument and also being the face of the argument ( at least as far as we can tell today ) and he succeeded. The USSR managed to be the first country in the world to see the tiger as a protected species with a complete ban on hunting. This is not to suggest that the USSR was some bastion of good, quite the opposite it’s that Lev strove in spite of how particularly flawed that state was in his time that makes it inspiring. By the fall of the USSR there were somewhere in the area of 400-500 Amur Tigers in the wilds of the Russian far east.

The other story is of Dale Miquelle & John Goodrich. An American that had done research on tracking cougars just before the fall of the Soviet Union he was interested in doing similar studies on the population of Amur Tigers living in the Russian Far East, a then little-known population to the west. That he fell in love with tigers is clear by his still being at it decades later but what interests us is this . By 2005, the last year documented in that recollection of his relationship with Olga the pressures upon tigers in the Russian Far East and the world were obvious.

Set against those pressures and with global setbacks tigers looked to be headed down the path towards extinction at the time. ( link link ) While Amur Tigers had some advantages over other populations that they were still under extreme threat was evident if you read the ‘Goodbye to Olga’ pdf. What interests me most for this comparison with Catra is this sentiment, expressed here.

“Over the years many people have asked me, “How much longer will you stay in Russia?” I often answer, “Until Olga dies of old age.” Now that answer is untenable. Now Olga is gone, and I have to ask myself, ‘Should I stay?’ On days like today, swallowed by sadness and frustration, I want nothing more than to pack my bags and go home.” (JG) Perhaps it is stubbornness, perhaps it is stupidity, but instead of leaving, we try to do more. Olga’s death makes us realize more than anything that while we’ve accomplished much in the past 13 years, there is still much to be done to create a world where Olga’s daughter, or grand-daughter, will have the opportunity to die of old age.

This somewhat irrational determination, stubbornness as they put it to hope that with some more time and effort it will amount to something. Irrational active hope.

Siberian Tiger numbers are thought to be climbing these days.

With the stage set, what does this have to do with Catra. In a word, Corridors.

Catra similarly has barely any power against the forces arrayed against her, feels completely hopeless about the trajectory of the situation and doesn’t at all feel like those she hopes to help will care a wit for her when she’s done. She, like those trying to conserve tigers, can’t really claim that even in her efforts she’s really saved Adora. Adora’s still the principle enemy of Horde Prime, even if she doesn’t walk right onto Prime’s ship she’s got a huge target on her back.

Catra can give everything she’s got up to and including her life and it still won’t ensure an outcome for Adora. Lev, Dale and John all could give their lives to conserving tigers in the wild and still have no real assurance that it’ll turn out. On top of that the alternative to success in these missions isn’t a setback, it’s oblivion. If tigers go extinct in the wild that’s a permanent and largely irreversible process, likewise for Adora and dying. If Adora or tigers aren’t saved now they can never be saved .

In all these cases following the odds, letting the nihilism seep into their actions could have seen a different result. Lev could have kept his head down in a regime that wouldn’t think twice of killing him if it found a reason. Peter Goodrich as much as says he wanted to go home and give it all up when Olga died. Catra could have dismissed her own act to save Adora’s life at the cost of her own as pointless against a universe that seemed hellbent on seeing them both dead. All these seemingly near-pointless gestures at a world full of cruelties that’ll bulldoze over things you care about without a second thought.

Yet, in these cases they acted and somehow the supertanker turned. Not only did Adora survive her war, but so did Catra and she got to confess her love and be loved in turn by Adora. In spite of the odds arrayed against tigers their numbers are on the climb now and pictures like this come from there as well as stories of reintroduction efforts to spread the tiger range.

The world is a big complicated place with a lot of horrible awful things going on. I don’t believe in being blind to it and I think it would be challenging to ignore even if I wanted to. Understanding it though can be a draw towards nihilism and just giving up on the chance that anything good can happen because we few among billions can do so little to change things.

With all that I do think it’s important to try, even when we think we might fail, sometimes the world surprises us and makes a success of what we thought might have been doomed. Other times the courage of trying can be enough to move others into action. We’ve got a wild ride ahead of us in the coming decades and if we’re going to have plenty of reasons to have as bleak an outlook as Catra had and all the more need to commit to that active irrational hope regardless.

PS Glimmer is a bit similar in season 4 as she’s getting increasingly desperate to alter the course of events which seem to be trending towards the destruction of everything she loves. While obviously her response to this is a bit flawed I think this goes to show the kind of desperate pressure this sort of situation can put you under. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if in darker moments those involved in tiger conservation didn’t wish death upon the varied poachers and consumers of tiger parts.

[dear-yandere]

— oyasumi dazai.

ada! osamu dazai x reader.

cw: yandere, romanticization of suicide and death, nihilism, depersonalization, implied death, themes of regret and grief.

wc: 1985.

disclaimer: the following content does not depict a healthy relationship, please read the warnings carefully. by click the read more button, you are giving your consent to read this content.

“isn’t it lovely, all alone?” 

i.

he dreams of death.

the stench of iron and the sight of bones is nothing new, but he dreams of death like one would dream of the future. he supposes he is nobody, because no one ever dreams of their own passing (not willingly). people are pushed to that point, betrayed and hurt and put through enough suffering that life no longer seems worth living. whether life is or isn’t worth the effort lays with them, dazai reckons, but the urge to reason death from life has never crossed his mind. to him, to live is to suffer — that is, suffering is inevitable. within the same vein, it must mean that to live is to make the best of that suffering, but what is life if you’d never asked to be born?

the question is foreign and familiar all the same — bittersweet on his tongue, a plague on his mind. his life has always been filled with nothing. the smile of loving parents was a sight he’s unfamiliar with. in comparison to the misfortunes of many others, his parents were saints; and, in comparison to the fortunes of others, they were demons. and yet, that laid the problem. they have a role in this world, a calling, a purpose. but dazai… he is nothing. nothing but a black stain on this white earth. from the day he took his first breath, death has been both friend and foe, a tease and a reprieve for a boy who’d never wished to breathe life.

but, where death comes easy to others, it is nothing short of a luxury for him. it does not welcome him with open arms, nor does it even look his way. suicide after suicide attempt and yet he is still alive. and he has to wonder, is life a gift — as everyone claims it is — or a curse? and why? why was he gifted, why was he cursed? the distinction makes no difference to him, but why must it be him? was he brought into this world for a purpose? for some sort of greater good, or evil? or do the gods simply enjoy the frailty of human life and the suffering it comes with?

of all the people in this wretched world, why is he alive?

ii.

from his first breath, he begun to blacken. his heart is not his own, has never been his own (it beats for someone who is, and never will be, him.) his body holds nothing but muscle and blood and sinew, a vessel he’s been forced into without second thought. he’s never thought of it as anything more. not a temple nor a burden, just… some thing. something that is not his. something that isn’t meant to be his, as if he’s an outsider looking in through the hollows of his eyes.

humanity was always something unbeknownst to him, something he could never quite get a grasp of. the thoughts of others could never quite fit into the process of his mind, its recesses far too unaccustomed to how others should or shouldn’t feel. their expressions are unreadable at all times, a fault that has led to bullying and alienation. he never shed a tear; loneliness is to be expected when you have nowhere to fit in. he is pure black. he may as well be invisible to the human eye, no different than an ant that passersby would carelessly step on without thought. he is no different from anyone else, because he is worse.

had he sold his happiness to the devil in a past life? is life his punishment, or is this how dull it’s meant to be?

cynical — a word used to describe him all too often, but it’s never been dear to dazai’s heart. words, in fact, have never been able to describe him, not in a way he ever found fitting. what does it mean to be cynical? what does it mean to be human? what does it mean to be alive, to have a beating heart, to have feelings? twenty-one years on this earth and he’s never once found an answer.

life, it seems, is something not meant for the likes of him.

and yet, suicide never got him anywhere. whether it be the fault of dumb luck or his own ineptitude, dazai could never die. it’s laughable, how even though his heart beats without his own will, he cannot make it stop. as if some cruel god reveled in how much torture it is for him to live a life he did not ask for. every noose left him choking for air but never took his life. every gun shot blanked or missed his brain entirely. every stab and cut never hit his arteries, never allowed him the luxury of bleeding out. like water in a vase, waiting until the surface tension is broken by a slight drop and starts to overflow — dazai spent his days in hopes of when his own heart would overflow and spill.

life was given to him, and life will not be taken by his own hands.

iii.

he dreams of death so often, his only nightmare is awaking the next day.

he will only ever just be… him. forever living, forever beating and breathing — the thought of experiencing life like others do is something out of a children’s book, to him. to strive for goals, to be torn apart by failures, to get up after being knocked down again and again. he understands it in theory, the process of living, but to put any further meaning on his or anyone else’s existence seems beyond the furthest reaches of his mind.

nothing makes sense.

“i never understood the fuss over weddings, going so far as to plan one’s entire life around it.” he says one day, eyes locked on the black coffee in his hands. darkness always did make him feel at home. “funerals are much more exciting. i’ve planned mine already.” a smile twitches onto his face, one of genuine happiness and excitement. death is like a dear friend, one he feuds with often, and yet one he adores all the same.

but those aren’t words most would say. weddings are a day of joy, but to him, they can only bring grief, one unlike the kind funerals bring to others. the happiest day of his life will be the day he dies, and yet…

he finds himself wanting to marry you.

you, as beautiful as ever, crack a knowing smile and play his words off, shooing them from the air like a pesky insect. the coffee in your hands is almost pure white by this point; drowned in creams and syrups and sugars. he wonders if it’s a reflection of your heart or your soul. “but osamu, i’ve already planned our wedding. you wouldn’t die before we got married, would you?”

he smiles. it’s a reflection of your soul.

he wouldn’t dream of it.

iv.

there’s a reason for everything, or so he’s heard. a mantra mostly uttered by religious heretics, and yet the sentiment was enough to get him thinking; is there a reason he cannot die? is there a reason he’s doomed to live, until whatever entity that tortures him grows bored of his plights? is there a reason he’s alive?

you’re nothing new, nothing he hasn’t seen time and time again. but, he knew: you are his reason. he is a person that someone like you should never get close to. the sentiment is ingrained in his very being, to stay away from you. he knows already: that he will only taint you, corrupt you, drag you down to rock bottom with him. and, if there is a place lower than here, it would surely be hell.

you deserve better than that. you deserve better than him.

“if i were to ever unforgivably hurt you, promise me this.” his heart tugs uselessly, his mind already made up. “if i ever hurt you very, very deeply, please kill me at once.”

he places your hands at his neck and presses. your fingers don’t curl around the flesh like he wants them to, and he knows then that he will never deserve you. you are too good for him, too good to him; your heart is too white and his blackness will only taint it. but darkness cannot be without light. just as the pitch black can overtake the white, the white can overtake the pitch black. life is not solely black and white, he’s come to learn. to be born and to live is to tread through life in a series of greys. there is no good nor evil, only humanity. but, if he were to describe himself, he would surely be black.

“you’ll promise me this, right?”

you hesitate to answer. he caresses you gently, like his mother used to do for him. a means to quell and comfort others, he’s learned, and yet his heart still feels nothing but blackness. he’s never understood why you feel so hurt when he speaks of death so casually — his death is his and his alone, after all. no one would be affected, not for long. memories fade and hearts heal; he is but a stain on life, and no one would miss him.

“right, belladonna?” he prompts. “please say yes. to die by your hands would be my greatest joy. even more so if you were to join me in death, but i could never ask that of you…” he laughs at his desperation, knowing you’d never agree to a premature death like he. you have so much to live for, and he…

he was born to die.

“i promise, osamu.”

v.

you haunt him like a ghost.

he still dreams of death, because a world without you is one he no longer wants to live in. but you would want that for him. you know of his infatuation with the throes of death and yet you want the very thing he detests; for him to live. funny thing, life is. like an idiot ghost, he’d lived wandering through life without any direction. without purpose, dreams and ambitions never held any real meaning to him, not like they seemed to do for other people. the only thing that came close was… you.

he wants to hide like the coward he is. run away, start over again. forget this ever happened, forget he ever met you.

forget he ever tasted love.

it occurs to him that this must be that feeling of ‘regret’ he so often hears. and he’s reminded of odasaku, the only living being that had come close to eliciting some semblance of genuine emotion from dazai. the closest thing he could call to a true friend, dead. and, the closest thing he could call to a lover, gone. life isn’t meant for cowards like him.

but he lives. death has cursed him with the act of living; perhaps that’s a fate worse than death. he has spent all his life resisting the desire to end it, and he regrets never once succeeding. because now he has to live; to live with his own regrets and failures, all the things he said and didn’t say, all the things he did and shouldn’t have done.

he didn’t get to say ‘i love you’.

your tombstone is pristine and he wonders if death is just the same; clean. free of sin, free of burden. what a beautiful thought, one he’s begun to believe doesn’t truly exist. beauty is wasted on him and even death does not hear his pleas. because to seek beauty is human. to be played and toyed with is human.

and to break and destroy, is also human.

death is preferable to losing you. it laughed in his face when it came to claim you, took you away from him forever. to someplace far, far away — to someplace he can never belong.

he misses you. he wonders if you miss him too.

© dear-yandere, all rights reserved.

[nyxedcreation]

It’s long but if you want, read my sappy, not completely edited unsent letter to mark and ethan i guess??

It all began with a black and white spiral interrupting three scary games. There was an echo of cult-like chanting and an hourglass with skulls. I was intrigued, pulled in. This strange aesthetic struck a note with me. I immediately dove in to see two videos. One was that same black and white spiral; the other was, well, it was cooking with sex toys. I was confused, and experienced my first Unus Annus induced whiplash, but more than ready to hop on what I knew would be a wild ride. Cliche and classic, but, little did I know how much those two idiots and their project would mean to me.

The year flew by faster than I would have liked. More happened this year than I expected. Through all the apocalyptic shock, there was one stable, consistent thing in my Thanos-snapped life that I found myself leaning on time and again. Their steady, every day chaos was something I think many needed, and soon realized they needed as more and more piled on our shoulders with each passing month. I am eternally grateful for this gift of a temporary thing they gave us. 

Now I cannot say I loyally watched the videos every day, but I did not miss one. I found I liked letting the videos pile up and save them for a rainy day, though I knew that was not a habit I could keep forever. I peacefully played Minecraft while they went on internet scavenger hunts and validated the beauty of every woman (specifically Zak Effron). I slouched or curled up in my bed after a long day at work, giggling at their antics during collaborations and pulling things I should definitely not try at home. They brought a small, immeasurable joy in my life, which I held like one would hold a handful of fresh stardust. The warmth and humor they gave nestled itself in my veins and helped me power through so many changes that have created a whole new person I can proudly call myself. 

I moved thousands of miles from my family and friends and began working my first real job. I am building myself up and working towards becoming a functional human being for once in my life. I feel myself changing and growing every day, and they have been there every step of the way-- guiding me in some, strange way.

I feel this project has inspired me in more ways than I could have possibly imagined. With each memeable, perfectly chaotic video, I learned time is precious, mortality is a gift from whatever one may believe in, and every opportunity should be taken with hungry hands and a hungrier heart.

I am excited for the future for once in my life, excited to see what I can accomplish with this new, taught mindset; excited to unleash this burning hunger and pour myself into everything precious to me. I have my own projects all lined up, waiting for me to give them color. I have a whole new internet personality to discover and support and watch grow; there is an endless hallway filled with doors of opportunity for me to open. These new things are all blooming and thriving from the decay of a digital channel. Such are cycles and life.

The day the livestream aired, I was met with jumbled nerves and a racing heartbeat. I trembled and worked faster than I ever had so I could leave earlier than everyone else (though I’m not sure if my boss was too happy). I was able to slide into bed with a light meal seconds before it started. I sat through all twelve hours, determined to see this through to the end and feel that sense of completion. I knew I would never feel complete if I missed a second. The rollercoaster of emotions were thrilling, I knew they would make for great inspiration in my writing. I laughed, cried, reflected, reminisced. I thought back to what I felt in the beginning and how my attachment grew so strong it hurt. 

As the clock sped down toward inevitable doom, I passed my parting words in silent, choked back sobs and clammy, trembling fingers holding my arms in a self-embrace. The clock passed into the final minute and I leaned forward, shaking my head, a silent no on my lips, betraying my composed nature. 10 seconds, and my mind flashed back into speeding film reels of Ethan and Mark doing goat yoga, shooting archery, shooting each other with paintball guns, using neti pots, creating disgusting food and drink combos, making holy and unholy water, playing nutball, attempting to paint, pasting the face of Benjamin Franklin on a ketchup bottle, hydro dipping a baby, bobbing for chunks of tuna, running from bears, hunting HeeHoo, holding one another and saying how much they loved each other. 5 seconds and my body dropped into ice, my stomach curled into itself, my eyes widened with tears and before I could whisper goodbye, the screen violently thrust me into darkness. 

I have never heard such deafening silence.

My goodbye still stuck in my throat, I slowly closed my laptop and pretended I was fine. I lapsed back into my usual coping of pretending I’m okay when I am very much not okay. The perfect cocktail of absolute elation and bone breaking sorrow has made my heartstrings refrain from playing their usual tune. All is still inside me, though the world rushes by. I know I am in mourning, and I know it will last a while.

Every time I will blink or let my mind drift, I will be met with wave after wave of memories, dripping in that golden chaos they created. I know out of habit I will look for their channel notifications, only to be met with nothing, only to remember their channel died. I know I will ask where they went when I forget that 12 is no longer marked by their uploads. It will be a journey, trying to forget Unus and Annus no longer exist in this material world. Their ghosts will haunt me for months, shadowing my every move. They will lurk in corners, watch me from afar, making sure I truly learned what they taught. They will whisper incessantly, reminding me death is inevitable and the clock is always ticking; they will chant and make mantras of nihilism until one day, their whispering will cease, and I will have lost them all over again.

Thank you, Mark and Ethan. You will never know my name, and you will never know how much your channel together changed me. The silly videos you made helped me more than I will admit out loud, and I can hardly wait for what the future holds for the two of you. I am now learning to hold hope and excitement in my own future. I am taking initiative in my life and seeing everything I take control of for myself pay off. I can only hope my future is as bright as yours. Thank you, again; the impact you have is so great and so positive. You will make history. I look forward to the end and what lies beyond. See you on the other side.

Memento Mori.

Unus Annus.

tl/dr: :( but also :)

[the-hs-etaverse]

Various Aspect-based Powers

I don’t really have specific classes in mind for most of these. Not all of these are original. Have fun. Will post a couple fraymotifs later.

Space: Structural Mending (can fix broken objects in space)

Space: Metastructural Mending (can fix broken space)

Space: Metametastructural Mending (can fix broken reality)

Space: Creative Mode (make virtually whatever [with low grist cost] out of raw ingredients)

Space: Biggering (changes object size)

Space: DIY Alchemy (you act as an alchemiter/lathe/whatnot to do crafting)

Time: Line Shift (sends another person across timelines)

Time: Sync (pretty meta, sets a scene to a soundtrack or something)

Mind: Inspiration Strikes (mental blows)

Mind: Placerebro Effect (makes you think you’ve been cured but you haven’t)

Heart: Out-Of-Body Experience (temporarily removes your soul from your body; make sure you can get it back in!)

Heart: Astral Projection (Star Wars Episode 8)

Heart: Soul Self (basically a Raven DC Comics ripoff)

Hope: Break Them by Talking (not doing physical damage, but wearing down at an opponent’s will)

Hope: Emotional Damage (your words harm those who don’t believe in them)

Hope: Sepulchritude

Hope: Hope Ball (helps make your beliefs a reality; works best w/ others)

Hope: Hopesplosion

Rage: Vicious Cycle (drag opponent into rage with you)

Rage: Voodoo Repairman (heal one by inflicting the same wound on another)

Rage: Feel No Pain (immunity to pain but not to harm)

Rage: Thought Usurpment (like Atrocitus mind-controlling the Red Lanterns?)

Rage: Clear Mind (No Thoughts Head Empty to give you extra fighting focus; potentially dangerous)

Rage: Ragesplosion (like the Hopesplosion but far more destructive)

Rage: Objective Menace (makes immobile objects attack)

Rage: A Stitch in Time (damages/fixes another by harming/repairing a representative artifact)

Breath: The Uberyeet (exactly what it sounds like)

Breath: Solid Gas (make weapons out of hard air)

Breath: No Pillow Required (suffocates someone internally)

Breath: no ties can hold me down (and other AO3 parody titles) (frees self from any restraints)

Blood: Blood Bond (helps your relationship with another)

Blood: Blood Seal (pools your stats with those of another)

Blood: Blood Pact (VERY DANGEROUS; makes a bond between you and another that unites your thoughts, goals, and actions nigh-irreparably)

Blood: Blood Merge (VERY VERY DANGEROUS; combines two people into one irreparably)

Blood: Draw Emotion (takes from a bond to power yourself/others)

Blood: Give Your All (attacks cast from HP? I forget what I had in mind when I wrote this)

Life: Let It Grow (accelerates the healing process of a wound)

Life: Bring Me To Life (The Lifey Thing)

Life: Health Transfer (takes the life force of one being to heal another)

Doom: Doomsplosion (destroys all life in the area)

Doom: Pain and Gain (immunity to harm but not to pain)

Light: Hard-Light Constructs (exactly what it says on the tin)

Light: Wayward Sun (heat and light produced by person)

Light: Camourage (mirage to disguise something but only by looks)

Void: Vacuum Gleaner (creates a vacuum)

Void: Banish (takes something or someone into nihility, thus destroying it)

Void: The Invisilocker (makes a pocket in nihility in which you can store stuff)

[rebeccathenaturalist]

I know the news right now is really depressing for those of us who love nature, and it’s even stressing people out who don’t completely realize why they’re so stressed. I wanted to balance that out with some hope and advice to help you get through this trying time.

One of the biggest saboteurs of activism is nihilism, and this sort of despair is fueled by inaccurate headlines that say things like “IF WE DON’T FIX CLIMATE CHANGE IN THE NEXT TWELVE YEARS ALL IS LOST!” First, we can always work to mitigate the effects beyond the hyped-up deadlines, even if we can’t completely stop them for now. Second, in order to do the most that we are able to do, whether for climate change or pollution or habitat destruction, we need as much creativity and excitement and collaboration as we can get. Despair and nihilism destroy these crucial positive, constructive drives, and doomsaying headlines and articles that supposedly are meant to motivate people to act instead end up causing them to give up, feeling too overwhelmed to do anything.

Instead of reading the headlines obsessively, be kind to yourself. Know that you aren’t the only one feeling the way you are, and even the people who are actively working to make the world a better place have many times when we feel exhausted and hopeless. This is okay! You can feel like that. But that hopeless feeling doesn’t have to last forever. Self care allows you to recuperate, and even though it’s not an instant fix for the big, bad problems we’re facing, it can help you to shake off the blues and get back to making your piece of the world better in whatever way you can. There’s no schedule, though; you don’t get a set number of weeks to feel lousy and then you have to get back to saving the world. Tag out as you need to, and then tag back in when you’re ready; we’re all doing the same thing as needed, too.

Okay. I know some of you must be panicking right now because you’re thinking “Wait! If even the people who are at the forefront of saving the environment get burned out and have to take a break, we must be doomed!” Except it’s those breaks that are the key to our future. Just like you need to sleep once every twenty-four hours, so periodic breaks keep activists of all sorts from completely falling to pieces. So by acknowledging when you’re overwhelmed and doing what you need to in order to attend to your needs, you are actually making it more likely that you’ll be able to be a more effective part of the solutions in the future, once you’ve had time to recover.

Species portrayed: Red fox (Vulpes vulpes), western gull (Larus occidentalis), rough-skinned newt (Taricha granulosa), yellow wood violet (Viola glabella), snowshoe hare (Lepus americanus), barn owl (Tyto alba), Asian elephant (Elephas maximus), bold jumping spider (Phidippus audax), red alder (Alnus rubra), red harvester ant (Pogonomyrmex barbatus), European honey bee (Apis mellifera)