#i will die alone not because nobody reaches out but because i am genuinely an asocial featureless cinderblock of a person

[lindwurm-prince]

pride month over and nothing gay happened to me. in fact i was pursued by the horrors

[xexiar]

Character Analysis: Bakugou Katsuki. Part 3

As always: Disclaimer: This is for fun. I am not a professional psychiatrist, nor claim to be. These are my thoughts and opinions. If you do not agree, thank you for at least reading, but DO NOT comment!

——

Bakugo Katsuki acceptance.

This layout interesting. That’s because it’s not a linear course of events. But instead it shows the contrast between Katsuki’s conflicting beliefs.

Starting with the two memories on the right. Katsuki starting belief “I am superior.” Then to be proven that he is not. Which starts breaking into his insecurities. At that, he’s very uncomfortable understanding or managing. But instead of accepting to understand these emotions he fights back.

Then we have the two pictures at the far left. Where he needs help and is feeling of desperation but refuses the notion of Izuku saving him. He was physical vulnerable but his beliefs wouldn’t accept someone lesser as his hero. But next to that we see him accepting the notion to work with Izuku, even if temporary.

This a sharp contrast to everything he believes in growing up. It shows how much progress he’s done to break down his beliefs and questions them. Questioning the concept of “perfection” and if he even deserves to be helped. To be able to question his self worth is a huge step for him.

Now for the 3 middle images. Katsuki is at his lowest again, but this time he has new skill sets to help process things. At this point he have heard genuine admiration by the adults he looks up to. Along with having Best Jeanist as a mentor also helped challenge in internal beliefs.

I can only assume that while under Best Jeanist, Katsuki was being truly seen by an adult. Since growing up, adults were the only source to know where his self worth was. It is proven with the right help and encouragement a child’s self confidence can grow.

I like to believe Best Jeanist became a therapist to Katsuki. Where Katsuki learned to communicate and express in a safe environment. We see how he values his mentor. Which gives evidence to my suspicions.

But because Katsuki still is struggling to be emotionally vulnerable, he still tries doing things he always done. So when he challenges Izuku, it’s more along the lines that old habits die hard. Yet, when he sees that fighting isn’t getting the results he’s seeking he finally breaks down.

Katsuki has always been blamed for smallest mistakes. So, this has more of an impact on him because of his core beliefs making him take this as his fault. He does not see or comprehend anything outside of it’s because of him.

Up until this point, because of Katsuki mixed beliefs has him at a crossroad. So, he turned to someone who has always been there from his highest moments to his lowest. He finally accepted that he needed help and that nobody would be worthy enough than the person who has always reached out to him.

Due to finally allowing himself to be vulnerable he comes to a realization. Being vulnerable is ok. Allowing oneself to express and experience different emotions feels like a burden has been lifted. Katsuki even allows himself to accept genuine support without fighting back or performing.

We see this growth in accepting that his previous beliefs were wrong. That he’s not alone and can safely be himself. And due to this acceptance of self he also allows himself to re-evaluate all his past actions through a different mindset.

Katsuki admitting certain aspects of himself is still a struggle. But he comes to a lot realization that he’s struggling to process. So, for him being worried isn’t just due to past mistakes. This isn’t just about making up for his actions. Katsuki is also attempting to return the hand Izuku always gave him.

But Katsuki’s old habits still has him struggling with communicating verbally. Up until this point, his verbal breakdowns were all with intense self worthlessness being the focus. And when he experience a lost he does not know how to handle, is where the final wall of his belief system breaks down.

Where actions speaks louder than words. Katsuki always having to perform never thought about questioning this one simple yet impactful belief. So, to have Izuku just leave after Katsuki worked so hard to show that he’s doing better, it breaks him. For once he’s rejected by the one person who had never done so. To him this is a fail.

And the way Katsuki reacts to failure, time and time again, is a full panic attack. But this time he has nobody to blame for this failure. There’s no fingers to point, no one person to accuse. There’s not even a point of references on how he’ll be able recover from this failure.

But unlike the many times before, he does have better coping skills. He now has a different point of view on what is and isn’t possible. Yet, it takes some time for him to allow himself to process his emotions. Because the major skill he has learned to put into practice is acceptance.

He has to accept his failure. He has to accept the emotions that is washing over him. He has to accept the rejection that he feels. He has to accept every last ounce of thoughts and feelings for him to move forward. And when he’s done he is able to think clearly on what his next step is.

The next step is to vocally express his thoughts. Katsuki’s apology is much more than just stating that it was never Izuku’s fault. He’s apologizing for not accepting his own flaws. He’s apologizing for putting the blame on Izuku when that never should have happened. He’s apologizing for feeling so inferior that putting down someone else was all he could do.

The key component I took from this apology was that Katsuki is telling Izuku that it was never Izuku’s fault. That Katsuki blamed Izuku for something he never did. And when he states he doesn’t expect things to change, it has a double meaning.

Things between Katsuki and Izuku has long been changed, but I don’t believe Katsuki sees this. With how trapped he is struggling his belief system, he’s blind to what’s in front of him. So when he says “change” I took it as he’s referring to his dynamic with Izuku.

Katsuki’s and Izuku’s dynamic had long changed up until this point. But I don’t believe Katsuki is aware of this. Because of his internal struggles he seems to take information as symbolic, compared to Izuku. And because of self worth, he doesn’t believe that change is possible.

This apology also came off as a plea. Almost pleading Izuku return, if not for Katsuki than for everyone else. Katsuki insecurities doesn’t see him worthy to plea for himself. But he would do anything to that not fail again.

Which this all comes back to how Katsuki fully and whole accepts that the core belief of “perfection” is wrong. He accepts he isn’t this ideal and takes in all his flaws. Katsuki comes full circle back to the day Izuku reached out to him. That Katsuki is just another person and it’s ok to accept help.

——

Part 1 Part 2

——

That’s that. Next will be Izuku. If you think I missed anything please leave a comment.

[thegeminisage]

STAR TREK UPDATE TIME. saturday we did voy's "basics part ii" and "flashback," and last night we did voy's "the chute" and "the swarm." not really last night changed bc i am writing this at fuck o clock its going up tmrw w/o me but w/e

basics part ii:

this one was fine. or rather the a-plot of this was boring, the b-plot fucking ruled

like, what do i care about the surface of this planet? ik there's a whole season that happens after this, nobody important is gonna die. even the critter was no that interesting

also, FUCK the baby not really being chakotay's. i was so fucking devastated. i wanted him to have a little guy sooo bad. they gave it to me and then snatched it away. imagine how he must feel...the whole ship in danger to save the kid that wasn't really his, and two people DIED in the process. the a-plot was terrible.

but ohhh the doctor and lon suder taking on the kazons alone. mwah.

first of all, what a match-up. the doctor can't be killed or harmed, not really, not the way suder used to enjoy hurting people. so that puts them on totally even terms

secondly, the fact that suder FINALLY almost overcame his violent impulses and now he has no choice BUT to give into them for a cause greater than his own needs (to have peace with himself)...that's juicy stuff. his struggle when he came back after killing that one guy was absolutely incredible.

finally, i love that out of any two people who could be stuck on voyager, you get the idea that these two people had the best chance of doing what they did. like the doctor is quite literally PART of the computer that runs the ship, and suder has all the violent impulses of his former life now combined with tuvok's methodical nature and his own hard-earned patience. truly a force to be reckoned with. it doesn't really push your suspension of disbelief when he takes out all those guys at once because part of him has been waiting to do that for a looong time

genuinely i'm only disappointed they killed him...a character like this could have EASILY been a regular. i'll miss him so much

flashback:

I LOVED THIS ONE.......

the undiscovered country was not my favorite tos movie by far (it ranks near the bottom actually) but i wish i had skimmed it at least before watching this. the movie footage being there was so so fun, and JANICE RAND! i'm always so happy to see her turn up, she deserved so much better, even if most of her tos scenes did annoy me to death

anyway, imagine being in a show and 30 years later they are calling you on the phone asking if you would like to do another episode of the show. star trek really is so unique in that regard, very few franchises have that same kind of staying power. m*rvel who? get the fuck out of here.

i looooooved getting more of tuvok's backstory. i think it's really hilarious that spock's parents almost disowned him when he joined starfleet but after that vulcan parents are like pressuring their kids to join to be more like him. poor spock and poor tuvok i wish they could have met onscreen just once

janeway in the old uniform!!!!!!!! she looked amazing

mixed feelings about janeway's speech about how things were different in the tos era and that's why sometimes they didn't do the prime directive. actually, it's funny because i got a little huffy at her "they were quicker to reach for their phasers" comment like GIRL NO THEY WEREN'T and then like the very next day i watched "taste of armageddon" where kirk did immediately start blasting because the disintegration chambers triggered his tarsus iv trauma and had to reluctantly forgive her

that said. spock mention.

the chute:

something lgbt happened on star trek voyager...i don't ship this couple because i'm still kirby with a gun re: tom paris, but i'm incredibly happy for people who do. i think about how i would have been if this had been chakotay and janeway instead (besdie myself) and i just KNOW the harry/tom shippers were eating

i wish harry kim got more to do...he had a little more this time but his solo scenes didn't have much meat to them, it was his scenes w tom paris that really stood out

and like i didn't hate those scenes, but the "shitty hellhole prison" plot itself also kind of bored me, because we just saw a far superior version of this happen to o'brien on ds9 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and to me one half of tom/harry is kinda boring and never gets his chance to shine, and the other is eternally on probation for being too annoying in season 1. so i had a hard time staying invested

that said it was very fun when janeway came down through the hole guns blasting. now who's playing cowboy, captain?

the swarm:

this was another one where the a-plot sucked and the b-plot ruled

i know janeway doesn't wanna add another 15 months, but man, come ON...it was very dumb not to go around. it was even dumber to not go around WHILE YOUR DOCTOR WAS BROKEN. take a few days to fix him and THEN go. also WHAT HAPPENED TO HER IDEALS? the showrunner really needed to keep this shit straight this was wildly out of character for her. that plus constantly brushing off kes...not her finest episode tbqh

the doc losing his memory was great though. kes is SO kind to advocate for him as she does and she and b'elanna were just great in general. kes even gave him a little kissy!! treat him really niceys: the episode

the other doctor hologram was really funny too although his usage of the "it" pronoun made me flash back to my rage when people did that to data during tng

it was actually so true to life how people with dementia act...kes did a great job of keeping him calm until the end :(

and the humming!!! i can't believe they left it there, but i suppose the implication is he gets it all back. and what a breath-taking spot to end it, honestly

TONIGHT: ds9's "apocalypse rising" and voy's "false profits" (i read the summary and good god someone HELP me)

[hyprfixate]

hold on tight↝ [L.F] :: teaser

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ summary: you're unhappy. you're almost certain that there isn't anything in this world that can make you happier, and you're right. what you don't account for, however, is something otherworldly flipping your life on its head. or, should you say someone

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ pairing: lee felix x reader

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ word count: 950

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ tags: angst, non idol au, fantasy au kind of, felix is an angel literally and figuratively, mentions of suicidal thoughts without going into detail, reader is depressed, she/her pronouns used for the reader, slowburn, strangers to lovers, putting angst again bc thats how much angst there is.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ author’s note: hello! this is a small teaser for a much longer upcoming fic that i'm still in the process of writing! i haven't written fanfic in a very long time so i apologize if i'm rusty lol. i hope you guys enjoy! :)

quickly skimmed, ignore typos lol

-

Felix doesn’t remember when he became the front desk worker for purgatory. 

He assumes it was a while ago, since his fellow co-workers have all come and gone, some of them eons older than him. He’s always been “their little Lixie”, and while most of them have gone to a place he can’t reach, the nickname still lives on. Their little Lixie remains seated behind a mahogany desk, clicking away at his computer and waiting for the next person to approach him.

Felix is the first face a person sees when they die. Guy, the one in charge of it all, says it’s because of his contagious grin and never ending happiness. Felix could light up a room with his smile alone if he wanted to. That kind of energy helps people calm down– makes them feel at ease. Another perk about him is that he never feels lonely, despite how desperately lonely the job is. Felix knows that even though nobody stays, there is always someone new to talk to.

Like now.

“Hi!” he chirps to the person walking up to his desk. They’re dressed in pajamas with a severe case of bedhead, so from the looks of it they were probably sleeping when it happened. They look scared, and he pouts.

“Are you okay?”

“Where am I?”

He leans back in his seat, pointing to the gold plaque above his head. “Purgatory.”

“I’m dead?”

It’s the same script every time someone comes in, but his soft smile never wavers. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I’m so sorry. It’s not really so bad here, you know?”

He pulls himself back up to his computer. “Could I get your name?”

Stuttering, the person gives him their name. He presses a few keys on his keyboard before the computer dings softly, setting off the printer next to him.

“Oof.” He grimaces, eyes racing across the lines on the screen. “Heart attack did you in, yeah? That’s always the worst way to go. Have you had heart problems before?”

“Yeah,” they stutter out. “But I never-- no one told me they could kill me.”

Felix peers up through his long lashes, giving them another small smile. He knows it’s best to move on, rather than walk them through the speech about how everything and anything can kill you, so it’s a bit silly to expect that something as serious as heart issues would just be swept under the rug. Most people don’t appreciate being lectured when they die.  Instead, he pulls the paper from the printer and scans it quickly.

“Seems like you have some business to attend to first,” he hums. “You left behind two kids and a partner, I see. They’re going to need your presence in the next few days. Afterwards you’ll get to go upstairs.”

“Like, Heaven?”

“If that’s what you want to call it, that’s what it is,” he smiles. The person in front of him softens at that. He hands them the paper and points at a set of doors on his left. “Go through those double doors and walk down the hall to room 202. Knock and ask for Christopher, tell him Felix sent you.”

He waves, cheeks puffing up in a genuine grin as they wave back and disappear beyond the double doors. Once they’re out of sight, he pulls out his notepad from the desk drawer and scribbles furiously.

No glow, almost faded.

While Felix undoubtedly had a lot of questions about his appearance and business in purgatory, his biggest question was something no one could answer.

Why was he the only one who glowed?

At first, before they got computers in the office, Felix had no idea what he looked like. He knew had soft, sandy brown hair; Guy would always ruffle it and tell him he was handsome, but he didn’t know why he was handsome. Once technology advanced and they got a desktop, that question was answered thanks to the webcam. In addition to noticing his features, Felix also noticed that his body was outlined with a bright, sparkly gold light.

No one else in purgatory had that, not even Guy. Christopher, who worked in the office of external affairs, told Felix it was probably just his happiness manifested into something physical. Christopher himself was covered in tattoos, as he was known through the office for always knowing what to say to comfort people. Felix would agree with that theory, but he’s met countless people just as happy as himself with no glow.

Since then, he’s been keeping a journal of every face who’s walked through his office. Some people were more faded than others-- those were the people who wouldn’t spend too long here. Some people were dark and vivid, like the image of a 4K TV screen (not that Felix knew what 4K was, he’d heard about it from a couple visitors and adopted the phrase himself). Those people were usually there for a long time. But no matter how long a person was set to stay, they never had a glow like he did.

He tosses the notepad back into the desk drawer, leaning back into his seat and sighing. He didn’t have much time to himself, though, as the elevator outside the office door dinged.

He leans forward, clearing his throat and running his “script” in his head. He runs his hands through his hair before looking up with a bright smile.

“Hi! Welcome to…”

His voice trails off and his jaw goes slack as his eyes settle on the person in front of him. 

Yeah. Felix had seen lots of dead people, sure, but he’d never, ever seen one that glowed like he did.

Until now.

[starpros-sunshine]

also i think that after seeing that Something is going out with his eichisama tori should also sneak into town to go and see what's the deal with this wataru guy. and he inevitably gets lost but meets hajime and they have a bonding moment barbie movie-style and him and tomoya help tori meet wataru. and then wataru sees tomoya and goes "oho! interesting child!" which once again leads to eichi unreasonable jealousy against this poor random kid

Okay so I've been thinking on this and I've been trying to get something coherent and bear with me right right.

(this got so long again I just started going into detail and detail and detail and oh god I am so sorry)

So Tori, poor, innocent Tori, has to come to terms with the fact that Eichi is hiding something from him (that "Something" being a tall blue-haired extra of unknown origin) and he knows that, technically, the mature thing would be to leave it alone. Eichi will have his reasons for being a little secretive about it. He has his own life and if he doesn't want to be open about...whatever it is that seems to be going on there.... then he doesn't have to be because the man has a right to privacy.

Tori knows that. But Tori also knows that being mature doesn't matter if, technically, his beloved Eichi-sama could be at risk of giving his heart away to a scoundrel that only wishes to play with him until he's bored and then throws him away, breaking Eichis heart in the process. We couldn't have that! And what if he's a criminal? Can you really trust someone who snoops around on other peoples property without their knowing? No you can't! So really it's only natural Tori wants to know what that guys deal is. Out of a genuine concern for his friend. Of course.

And so obviously it's a completely acceptable and normal and rational decision when he sees that Yuzuru isn't there for a moment to keep watch over him like the guard dog that he is (really Tori isn't a child anymore there's no need to be so overprotective) and the other staff members also don't seem to be around and Eichi is also nowhere to be seen, that he decides to take his coat and pack his little bag with some money (read: more money than just "some" money) and tries to sneak out of the house and down the path across the small meadow and the bit of forest that separates their not-so-humble abode from the small town where the other people live.

His inital plan simple. Go there; ask around a little, maybe try some tailing (after hearing stories from the other aristocrats about how one is able to hire people to follow their spouses around without them noticing - and that apparently being an actual thing people earn their money with - he's decided that it can't be that hard and he should try his luck.) and then leaving as quickly as possible, lest Yuzuru die of a heart attack after finding out Tori dissappeared. It would be quick and easy and nobody would ever find out. That was the original plan. But Tori very soon comes to find that that could prove harder than he thought when he notices he actually really really enjoys the feeling of not having anyone hover over him like some sort of falcon watching their prey.

The little river running by the path through the meadow is still frozen (It is winter after all) and the snow on the ground almost reaches his ankles. The 15 minute walk takes him 30 because he keeps jumping around in the snow (He's made three snow angels by now. For a second he has to think of his sister and of how nice it would be if she were here with him too and how they could make snow angels together were it not for her having to stay with their parents, but he pushes that thought to the back of his head again and decides to move on with his way).

When he eventually arrives at the town - and after just wandering aimlessly through the rather empty streets - there are three major epiphanies.

The first one is that he doesn't have a clear destination. He has no idea where to look for the blue-haired weirdo. The second is that, seeing as it is a forenoon in january, most people probably aren't spending their time outside. And if they are then they are at a different place than where he is. And the third and final one: He is completely and utterly lost.

It should be regarded as an accomplishment really. Getting lost in a town with a population of barely 300 locals living there. Indeed Tori would think it impossible. Yet here he is. If anything he's sure he's at least the only one who can claim this feat for himself. This is fine. He has this under control. If he just keeps walking then he's sure to come out somewhere (No there are no tears in his eyes anyone who says otherwise is just imagining things (he decidedly ignores the little voice in his head that tells him "Who's gonna say otherwise. Look around yourself, have you forgotten that you're all alone here?")). So the big brave boy that he is he marches onward, ignoring the way his fingers have started to feel numb from the cold and his eyes have not stopped watering and the little voice in the back of his head that tells him he should've just listened to Yuzuru (He banishes that one to the deepest depths of his subconscious very quickly. There are blows that his pride can take in these situations and then there's having to agree with "You should've just listened to Yuzuru". If There is one thing that can be said about Tori then it's that he is not one to simply give up. He has come this far and he'll be damed if he backs out now).

Lost in thought and not paying much attention to his surroundings (he has more important things to think about right now), he only manages to register a flash of blue in his peripheral vision. And because this could be what he's come here for in the first place but more importantly because this is a person and that is where the bar is set, Tori immediately tries to follow them. If Lady Luck is especially nice to him this time she lets this person be the mysterious stranger he's been looking for, but what feels like a day of walking through empty streets in the biting cold of a noon in late january have humbled him enough to not push it with his luck.

And when he turns the corner, calling out for the figure to wait, insted of the strange man he was expecting he comes face-to-face with a meekish looking boy with blue hair and big violet eyes and next to him there's a second boy, this one able to be described in all aspects with only one word: average. And for a solid ten seconds they all just stare at each other.

Tori doesn't really know how, he really has no idea, but somehow he ended up following the two home. Or, well, more or less. Following isn't really the right word here. After their almost-staring-competition on the street the meekish looking one with the blue hair asked him if he was alright because "he seemed lost" (he absolutely did not.) which then prompted an entire series of events that ended is Tori sitting in this strangers families home - with an entirely different stranger also there - getting a serving of what he assumes to be radish soup. Tori feels a little sorry for the boy, Tomoya, as he said his name was, who seemed like he was previously engaged in a conversation with the other boy, who later introduced himself as Hajime and who had spent the entire way asking him questions about how he ended up here and what someone like him was doing all alone in a sleepy village neighbourhood like theirs and if he really didn't need a tissue (He hadn't cried while explaining how he was lost. He totally hadn't) and on and on and on as Tomoya had to awkwardly walk behind them.

So now, sitting at this table with these two people who he has only met today and who have given him a bowl of soup to warm himself up with, he has to tell everything about how he ended up in this situation in the first place. At the end of his recollection of this oh so wonderful day he is met with two pitying looks an a laugh - apparently one of Hajimes younger siblings had joined them at their little impromptu gathering (he wonders, distantly, how his own sister is doing right now).

And as he's about to say that he should probably make his way home and resume his mission another time when he has a map, Hajime mentions that he actually knows the guy Tori is talking about and that he lives at the local inn and that that isn't that far from them and that he and Tomoya can walk him there if he wants to. Tori agrees immediately. He is so over trying to be discreet about it at this point he really just wants some sort of success in this kind of ridiculous endeavour he's set out on.

So after the soup is finished and his limbs don't feel like they're about to fall off anymore the trio goes on their merry way and Tori feels a little silly because for all the walking around he did before they reach this inn really pretty quickly... maybe he should've thought to bring a map... The three of them venture further into the inn, and Tori only overhears Hajime talking to an older woman, but he's more occupied with looking around the place. It's father homely and rustic, a completely different atmosphere than at their place. There are noises from the few patrons sitting at the tables and chatting with each other, but it only add to the cozy feeling of the entire place.

When Hajime comes back he leads Tori up a little stairway and down a dimly lit hallway. They stop in front of a door at the very end of it (in my head there's a bit of a terasse thing happening there like. you can look down into the part where the tables are and such right right) and Tori barely has time to mentally prepare for the fact that this really is happening now before Hajime knocks and the sound of muffled steps approaching the door can be heard.

When the door finally opens (it's been a few seconds at best but it feels like an eternity), Tori is greeted by the lovely view of a pair of pale clavicles, barely covered by a black linen blouse. He has to actively look up to look at the face of their owner and when he is met with a pair of sharp, purple eyes he feels like his throat just sew itself shut. Hajime explains to Wataru that Tori was looking for him and suddenly a light seems to go up above Watarus head as a look of recognition flashes over his face and he turns around to Tori again and asks him if he's "the princess that Eichi's been telling him all about". Tori is confused. Hajime decides that this is his cue to leave and he slowly backs away to go back down and collect Tomoya, who's been roped into helping out with the catering by some elder gentleman (Wataru watches Hajime as he collects Tomoya and they leave, intrigued by this strangely average boy, as Tori just stares in horror as the realisation dawns upon him that he is now completely alone with this man whom he didn't even intend on speaking to in the first place).

So now he is here. In this very awkward situation. Sitting on a chair in this strangers room (for the second time today! Did he ever have a day this eventful? Who knows! Tori for sure doesn't.). He wants to talk, but Wataru is faster and asks him what he's doing here. Tori doesn't really know how to reply. How do you talk your way around having to tell someone that you actually got lost on the way to spy on them. That's right. You can't. Well, Eichi could. But Tori is Tori and he never wished for that to change more than he did now.

He looks out of the window and it is at that moment that another three major epiphanies reach him. Firstly that he doesn't know what to do now that he's here, secondly that he's going to get murdered by Yuzuru (and if worst comes to worst also Eichi) once he gets back because he's been gone all day without telling anyone and they're probably all worried sick, and last but not least: it is dark outside. He can't go home like that. He is virtually stuck in this predicament he found himself in.

Wataru seems to have a similar thought, because the immediate follow up question after not really getting a coherent answer from Tori is if anyone knows he's gone. Tori shakes his head. If Tsukasa ever finds out about this mess of a situation he will have to die because he would never let Tori live that down.

He gets ripped out of his incoming spiral by the bird that takes a seat on his head and Watarus over-the-top contemplative sigh and the slight lilt in his voice when he voices the next issue that's in the room. He isn't even speaking to Tori anymore, but to his bird that sits on Toris head, Jeanne, and Tori is starting to get annoyed by the way he jokes about this entire thing, calling Tori a "a little bird that escaped its nest", as if he isn't stuck having to prepare for his untimely demise. And by the way this guy hasn't put down his cryptic smile and teasing voice ever since he entered the room. When he thinks things can't get any more awkward for him Wataru proposes two options. Either he walks him home, or Tori has to stay at the inn for the night and he brings him back in the morning. Tori decides he'd rather go back home sooner than later (he'll have to take the lacture either way and he's probably caused everyone enough worries by now anyways. And also he misses his bed.). So Wataru grabs his coat, quickly goes to tell the inn-keepers he's "bringing retuening the princess to ger people" (Tori doesn't know if he liked the bird comparison better or not).

The way back is still very tense because Tori does not dare to walk next to Wataru (he's sketchy it's not Toris fault it's a normal reaction) and so he just awkwardly walks behind him, He doesn't really watch his surroundings - it is dark and the only nice thing is that it's snowing and there are animal sounds and they are spooky and he needs to watch the way and it's easier to think that way - until suddenly he gets hit by a snowball right in the head. And he is so baffled by this that he just stares at Wataru, and Wataru grins at him with his stupid stupid grin and somehow they end up in a snowball fight on this meadow where the only reason you can see anything is because of the snow and when they finally arrive at the mansion they both have so much snow in their hair and their clothes are wet from the melted snow and when they knock on the door and wait for someone to open Wataru gets some of the snow out of Toris hair and says that that snowball fight can be their little shared secret and Tori grins back at him and agrees and when the door opens and both of them are frantically ushered in by a maid that tells another one to get Yuzuru and Eichi Tori decides that maybe this guy isn'r so bad after all. Maybe he's actually quite nice.

[latenightsimping]

Actually no I’m genuinely ‘bout to start crying with these clips (under the cut includes THAT SCENE, so sadness and spoilers ahoy!)

Okay, so it’s THIS

Can we take a moment to see how... Happy he is, that Dustin’s there for him as he passes? Maybe happiness is a bad word. But he’s smiling because he loves his friend so fucking much. He knows he’s going to die, never to make it out of there, but he saved the lives of those he loved and respected. In my head, he’s probably thinking to himself “It’s okay that I’m passing. Because he’s safe, and I’m not alone, and I’ve finally found people who love me for who I am. And I can make peace with that.” 

The smile reaches his eyes, makes them crinkle, but it’s pained. He’s trying to smile, to make sure Dustin knows it’s okay. That he’s okay. He’ll finally be at peace, where nobody will mock him, torment him, or bully him. He’s accepting his fate, and he’s proud that for once in his life, he didn’t run away. 

I might be wrong but like, I’m gonna go cry for a bit. Auuugh.

[cheshirsh]

Hello! This is an absolute hail mary and there's a nonzero chance I'll just annoy you for no reason, but I saw your tags on the sacrificial maiden post (on account of being the OP, which actually makes this not anonymous, it's just easier to gather the courage to send things this way) and sort of. sat with them for a hot second. and decided to reach out - which I realize is a wild thing to do, but the trouble is I was there. I mean, not exactly going through whatever you are, on account of all people are different, but for a good chunk of my life I was suicidal. And I can't just, put all the hope for life I gathered over the years into a single Tumblr ask, but I can tell you a bit about the thought behind the post. Back in the day I used to idealize the noble sacrifice as like, the most solid way to go - there's a purpose, nobody would blame you, it feels complete. And while the post is very bitter it is first and foremost bitter at death, at this very idea of a noble sacrifice, because fuck no, actually, nothing, no "worthy" cause is worthy enough to demand your life of you. The people who thought they knew how much the sacrificial maiden's life is worth are dead wrong, because the answer to the question of "what's a solid enough reason to take a life?" is nothing, nothing is. And this isn't any deep philosophical shit, it's just that while you're alive there's always More Stuff. There's always a chance it all changes, fuck, maybe it even gets better. Maybe three years from now there's a day when you wake up and feel the happiest you've ever been, or maybe just okay enough that the idea of being around for a few more months doesn't feel too bad. It's not something anyone can really convince you of, certainly not a stranger on the internet, because I remember people telling me this three years ago and it all sounded like nonsense. The thing is, it doesn't anymore. There's some sort of tipping point between "couldn't be me" and "oh, yeah, that actually happened to me I think" I wasn't able to track, but it is there. I don't know if this is anything, but I genuinely hope you'll be okay. I hope we both are. This might all be nonsensical and silly but it's also probably the most sincere I've ever been.

hey, thank you

this made me cry

it does actually matter (even to the people on the internet who only know of me by tags) that I am here now even if I don't want to be. I really want to believe it would be better, I can never be sure it will, but your words give me some hope.

I think that I have a mental block on the actual action of suicide because I am conscious of the consequences of this, so the only way I see myself doing this would be when I am completely alone so there would be no one to be sad about me. I hope it gets better before I end up alone

thank you. I hope I won't find a "good enough" reason to die

[genderkoolaid]

experiences w transandrophobia, cw for rape, abuse (mental & physical), also brief touches on me being suicidal and being anorexic & just general horrible fuckery:

i feel like some of these are also just transphobia but reading the other submissions made me think about them. so i thought maybe i'd share. you can just delete this though if it doesn't fit w the theme, dw <3 anyways, when i was younger, i was subjected to csa, from about 4-8 years old. which isn't that bad but years later i learnt it was because i was presenting as very masc from about two years old and he felt he could get away with it because my mother thought i was tainted and horrible and demonic for presenting masculinely. and he was right, he got away with it without my mother intervening until he died. thanks to him i have DID. in my first relationship, i dated a cis man where he abused me for 3 years, treating me as a woman, and misgendering me unless we were with people and if we were he would show me off like some kind of sex object to people. i never said anything because i loved him and he technically never deadnamed me (used a demeaning nickname) and i hated making him mad (bc he beat the shit out of me, i am so stupid /lh). he subjected me to corrective rape time after time after time. when he left me, he outed me to my mother. she tried to kill me with a knife. the police didn't come when i called them (fuck the pigs, all cops are bastards). now my mother shows me off like my ex used to. it triggers me so bad. she tells people how proud she is of her son and how she's always supported my masculinity, and how good of a mother she is. i only very recently learned i am intersex, through old medical documents, and i highly suspect this is why she hated me as a child and told me i was a demon so often. but i can't mention it because shes probably gonna stab me if i do. and i keep trying to kill myself, but she wont take me to hospital because i do it to myself and she's trying "to put me off" doing it. she uses my DID and bipolar to discourage me from transitioning, to the point if i thought of transitioning i had panic attacks. i have to hide my binders in case she steals them, she often has volatile breakdowns where she uses my dysphoria and anorexia to try and suicide bait me. she withholds food from the whole family (including 3 under-teens kids) if she looks through my food and weight records and sees anything has gone up. i genuinely think one day i will die in this house, alone, and that terrifies me. but there's nothing i can do. i'm slowly dying and i will die here and nobody will care.

anyways i had about 47 panic attacks typing this up, so i hope you have a wonderful day, take care, i love your blog i hope you're healthy and well <333

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

And if you ever need a donations/mutual aid post shared, or if you need to vent or anything, please do not be afraid to reach out. I hope for the best for you and your siblings, and I hope you will be able to leave and have the life you deserve.

[circulars-reasoning]

Hey, follower here - I don't mean for this to be attacking, because I genuinely have always appreciated you and your blogs, but if I can ask: Why are you supporting the Eddies/WOFC's system? That system has done pretty terrible things, and despite them trying to change it's... fairly clear they haven't, given their recent actions. As someone who cares about people that system has hurt, I really just want to understand. I'm sorry if this comes off attacking, I've been tossing around the idea of asking for like a week now so I probably just seem overly aggressive or formal because I've been thinking. /gen

Thank you for being genuine! Don't worry - it doesn't read at all as an attack, and I absolutely understand what you're saying. Honestly, I was waiting to be attacked for it, so your ask is kind of a breath of fresh air. I'd like to preface this with a TW for sh, sui ideation, and of course the general content of that system's actions.

Firstly: I do not condone the actions of that system. I think some of what they've done is disgusting, heinous, and genuinely has damaged myself and others to the point of even me wanting to end it. I genuinely hope they take a sincere step back and analyze what they've done, and why, and most of all, how to change it.

Secondly: I am far too forgiving of a person, because I get it. I have also been a horrible person. I have also done things that nobody should forgive me for - and yet, people have, and those people are the only reason I'm alive right now. Honestly, I see myself in some of their actions - my traumatized, younger self, who also had a "forced dormancy" and also said I wanted entire groups of people to die out of my hatred for life at the time.

What that system has done has driven people to SH and contemplate suicide. That should not be "forgiven" in the sense that I don't believe I will ever forget those actions and I do not believe I can ever consider the system a "friend" to me. I cannot erase that from myself. However. That doesn't mean I cannot care for a person in their time of need. Maybe that's what friendship is, by others definitions, I don't know. I just care.

I saw what the Eddies were posting. The majority of it was suicidal ideation. Nobody, regardless of how much I despise their actions, deserves to go through those moments alone. So, I reached out to let them know that someone out there cares if they exist, and someone out there wants to see them grow. Let me restate that more clearly for those out there who aren't getting it: I reached out to a suicidal person and let them know someone gave a shit if they lived.

I have this inherent belief that people can change. I think Wall and Jake were pushed to limits due to trauma and acted out because of it, and I think they were pushed further than anybody should be pushed. And I cannot fault them for lashing out (even if I can fault the action). I'm not going to blame a victim for their trauma responses. What I CAN do is reach out to them and comfort them while they're in crisis.

I also want the systems who have been hurt by that system to know that I care about them as well. I've been having trouble recalling all of the events that have happened (joy, dissociative amnesia and trauma shit going on for me!) but I do know a lot of the folks involved deactivated or were termed or what have you. I've reached out to some of them as well - a lot of people in syscourse actually! When I see folks in crisis, I always reach out when I am mentally able to (and sometimes when I'm not). I've even unblocked folks before to do so.

To anyone out there: My inbox is open if you need to chat, or vent, or get it off your chests. Always has been! I prefer not going through DMs when possible, because it can be a trigger for me, but if need be, contact me that way. I just... want to be available for those in crisis.

(I'm also going to be releasing a draft at some point about the topic of people being at different stages of recovery! I think that will touch on some of these ideas as well.)

[athensgorgia]

Jealous Gojo x female reader

Summary: Gojo is running all your dates with potential partners. He just doesn't know why yet.

Warnings: Mature language and suggestive themes

Gojo was sitting next to you.  Why the fuck was he sitting next to you.  For the first time in your life you had a date and Gojo decided to tag along.  "Get the fuck out of here before my date gets here or so help me god I will kill you!" you seethed.  Gojo payed your threats no mind flagging down a waiter "I want whatever cake you have.  What about you y/n-chan?" he asks nonchalantly.  "I want you to leave." you say in an exasperated tone.

     "Now, now y/n-chan.  We can't have that now can we?  What if he's a total wierdo?" Gojo insists.  "You're the one who is being wierd!  I didn't even tell you I was on a date!  How did you even know!?" you cried.  "Well when something is really important I make it my business to know what is going on.  Especially when it comes to my little  y/n-chan."  Gojo explains ruffling your done up hair afterwards.  "Ugh, I'm not a little kid anymore you have to start letting me go." you sigh.

     You think you've finally gotten through to Gojo.  He turns to you and sighs.  "That lipstick is so not your color." Gojo scoffs.  Gojo then takes his hand and starts forcibly rubbing his thumb on your lips to remove the makeup.  You Immediately start trying to slap his hand away, but him being the strongest it was no use. 

     Right then your date walks in and finds you and Gojo.  Gojo's hands still resting on your face smearing lipstick everywhere.  You instantly muster all your strength and shove Gojo off of you.  "Hiro, hi it's good to see you!" you greet your date awkwardly.  Hiro puts on a very confused face.  "Hi, who is this y/n" Hiro asks.  "He's nobody and he was just leaving." you insist and give Gojo a face that says 'beat it'. 

     Gojo cracks a sinister smile.  "So Hiro, how much money do you make per year?" Gojo prods.  You go to hit Gojo but your hands just bounce off of him.  Hiro looks very nervous and stays silent.  "I was just wondering what redeeming qualities you have since attractiveness clearly isn't one of them." Gojo prattles on.  Hiro turns to you "Sorry I don't think this is going to work out." Hiro says not even waiting for an excuse and rushes out.

     You place your head in your hands trying to recuperate from the fiasco that just unfolded.  When you look at Gojo he's happily eating his cake not at all ashamed at what he had done.  "Why would you do that?  That's the first time anyone has ever even wanted to ask me out." you say too defeated to yell.  "Oh it's definitely not the first time.  This is just the first time I haven't assessed them beforehand." Gojo states casually continuing to munch on his cake.

     "What!?" you gasp in disbelief.  "Oh you know I've just been really busy so I couldn't get around to it this time." he shrugs.  "Not that stupid the thing you said before!" you seethed.  "I'm not just gonna let anyone date you.  I have to make sure they're good enough for you.  I have to do alot of research.  It's very tiring you know.  You should really thank me.  The least you could do is pay for my cake." Gojo huffs mouth full of cake.

     "Oh my god..." you whimper and run your hands through your hair.  "It makes so much fucking sense." you cry.  "Don't cry over that guy!  He was as interesting as a piece of white bread."  Gojo says with gusto trying to cheer you up.  "FUCK YOU!   I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE BECAUSE OF YOU!" you screech and then storm out.

     "And that's why I need you to date her for me!" Gojo chimes.  Nanami takes a deep breath "I'm not going along with this game of yours." he sighs.  "Aw c'mon!  She's a great girl.  You won't find anyone better than her." Gojo pleads.  "Find someone else it doesn't have to be me." Nanami deflects.  "Yes it does Nanami!  I can only let her date in good conscience if I know the person is good." Gojo insists.  "Find someone else then there are tons of people better than me." Nanami states flatly.

     "No Nanami you're perfect.  You're young, handsome, responsible, make a decent living, and have a nice dick.  I know because I peaked in the urinal." Gojo says proudly.  Nanami was disgusted with Gojo's hidden knowledge and wanted to flee as fast as possible.  "Fine one date." Nanami sighs already regretting his decision.

     Gojo waited outside the door of your apartment and kept banging on the door.  "Hi y/n!  I know you're still mad at me but I have a piece offering!" Gojo announces.  "Go away!  I'm still mad at you!" you yell through the door.  "I can make it up to you!  I got you a date with the best guy I know!" Gojo promises.  You open the door "What!?  When!?" you ask very confused.  "Right now.  Go get ready!" Gojo urges you to hustle.

     You get ready as fast as you can and bolt out the door with Gojo.  The walk there was stressing you out.  You had no idea what kind of person Gojo set you up with all Gojo sad was 'the blond one with glasses'.  On your way there Gojo walked arm in arm with you making sure you didn't trip in your heels and assuring you looked great.

     When you reached the front of the restaurant Gojo pushed you through the door and waved goodbye.  You were nervous, very nervous as you scanned each table to find your blind date.  Till you spotted a serious looking man matching Gojo's description.  You walked over and introduced yourself "Hello I'm y/n l/n.  I think Gojo Satoru set us up together." you said.  The man stood up from his seat and held his hand out for you to shake it.  "I'm Nanami Kento." He says formally as you shake his hand.

     "Have you been waiting long?" you ask genuinely concerned about how long Gojo made Nanami wait.  "I've been waiting two hours, but I know that's not your fault." Nanami replies coolly.  "I'm sorry he's always been like that.  He must have also dragged you here for a date." you apologize.  "No worries.  Your a pretty and polite young woman.  I'm glad he's found someone like you." Nanami says and flashes the ghost of a smile.

     "What do you mean?" you ask not quite sure what Nanami was referring to.  "Gojo's always going on and on about you.  I'm not even sure he realizes how in love with you he is." Nanami chuckles.  "No, he doesn't like me like that.  He's got pretty much all of Japan to choose from if he even wanted a partner." you say trying to shut Nanami down.  "That's precisely why he likes you.  He's just a regular man to you.  You don't care if he's rich or handsome or strong.  With you he can be whatever he wants.  I bet you've even gotten him to share sweets with you." Nanami explains.

     "No.  That can't be." you say more to yourself than to Nanami.  "Yes it is.  He's an extremely busy man but he makes time to spend with you.  Who do you think is always covering for him?" Nanami sighs hoping you'd understand by now.  Nanami looks at his watch "Any moment now he's going to realize his feelings and storm in like the man child he is.  Don't say anything one he walks in just go with it." Nanami says and as if on que Gojo walks in.

     "Date's over Nanami.  I've decided she can do better." Gojo says as he stomps over to your table.  "Why, I really like her.  I'm even considering marrying her one day." Nanami bluffs.  "No, you're not right for her." Gojo hisses and pulls you out of your chair.  Nanami stands up "Then who is?" Nanami prods trying to get Gojo to admit it.  "I am!  She's mine!" Gojo yells and holds you close to his chest causing an even bigger scene in the restaurant.

     Gojo processes what he just said and carries you out of the restaurant.  Suddenly Gojo teleports you somewhere and when you look around you recognize that this is Gojo's appartment.  Gojo says nothing and just continues walking in the direction of his bedroom.  "Gojo slow down!  Where are we going!?" you protest.  Gojo doesn't answer and continues walking to his bedroom's adjoining bathroom.  He sets you down on the counter.

     "Take your makeup off." Gojo demands.  "What?  Why?" you ask desperate for answers.  Gojo doesn't answer he just grabs a wet towel and starts scrubbing your face.  "Ow that hurts!" you protest, but Gojo continues scrubbing your face too hard.  After your makeup is off Gojo smiles and drags you over to his bed.  He pushes you down and straddles your waist.

     "What are you doing!?" you scream.  "Oh c'mon y/n isn't it obvious or do I have to tell you exactly what I'm going to do to you?" Gojo whispers in your ear.  "No!" you yell as you push him off of you with all your strength.  Gojo falls and lands on his butt looking utterly confused.  You gather yourself and begin leaving.  Gojo grabbed your arm to stop you "Wait... please." he said hesitantly.  "Why should I  you just tried to fuck me like some whore?" you hissed.

     Gojo stayed silent gathering what he was about to say "Isn't that just how I make you mine?" he questions.  "No that might work on some people but that's not how you make me yours." you state.  Gojo gives you a dumb stare.  He was utterly shocked.  No one had ever not wanted to sleep with him, and if he couldn't win you over with his body then his personality sure wasn't going to win you over.  Gojo broke into a cold sweat he wanted you like no one he had ever wanted before and for once in his life what he desired was out of his reach.

     He wracked his brain for something people usually wanted from him.  "I know!  You're like Mie Mie!  I'll just give you money!  How much do you want?" Gojo asks cheerfully but he was not joking this time he was dead serious.  You looked at him appalled and continued walking out.  "Wait!  Wait! Wait!" he pleaded desperately.  You only stopped when he got down on his knees in front of you "Please!  Just tell me how I get you to love me!" he begged. 

     You had to admit you liked seeing Gojo beg for you, but now was not the time for that.  You tilted his chin so he was lookingup at you "You promise you love me?" you smiled.  Gojo nodded his head  frantically.  "Then I'll pick you up tomorrow at six?" you winked and left.  Leaving an awestruck Gojo in your wake.

[trollishly]

Valkyrie Pt. 5 • Ivar X Reader

A girl shows up bloody and beaten to Kattegat. The Queen and her sons take an interest in the girl, especially Ivar.

Warnings: Gore, Swearing, Mentions of sex, Angst, Anything you'd expect from Vikings

The harsh chilled wind of Kattegate’s forest whipped the the thick furs that laid upon her shoulders. The forest seemed to be alive, as the trees whined and creaked as the gusts only became stronger. Her breathing became heavier as she quickened her pace towards her desired destination, ambitious for what she seeked.

Her eyes light up as they finally fell upon the individual, though she couldn't help but shiver as her feet finally met the front of their seated position. 

“The Queen...“ Slightly bowed the being, words slurring from their twisted lips. “Ancient One,” Quipped Aslaug as she tucked her gown to kneel before him, “you know why I am here, we’ve spoken of this matter before.“ Rushed the Queen in a desperate manner. The Seer let an exasperated grunt, his grotesque tongue running along his lips in thought. “The girl from your vision, you speak of her, you’ve spoken to her.” Hummed the cloak individual, while Aslaug only nodded hoping for him to continue.  

"Well what is it that is troubling you my Queen?" Aslaug rolled her eyes slightly, "I wish to know if my visions are once again correct, or am I mistaken and she is actually a threat to my kingdom?"

"You ask difficult questions, always questioning." He grinned, "However, I shall give you comfort by saying that what you see, is in fact true my Queen." Aslaug let out a breath of relief she hadn't known she was holding, refraining from smiling, which she found herself doing more often as of late. "The gods have blessed us with a great gift..." Croaked the Seer, "A Valkyrie." Spoke the two in unison.

•••

Soft knocks echoed throughout the quaint room, and with nobody acknowledging it, a hush voice followed. "I'm coming in." Spoke Ubbe as he push the door open which dragged along the uneven floor.

There laid Frode, in bed and struggling to inhale evenly. His glazed over eyes drifting to look at the intruder. Ubbe watched as the boy clench his hand firmer around the one that laid upon his, the hand belonging to non other than his sister.

Y/n was slouched against Frode's bed, half her weight on her knees and the other on the edge of the bed. She looked as if she hadn't slept for days, which was half of the truth. If it weren't for Y/n's recent episodes of passing out, she would've been up like usual, her sleep schedule being far from healthy.

"Is she asleep?" Asked Ubbe, stepping further into the room. Frode tried to speak in denial, however, he found himself unable to speak, his voice caught in his throat as another fit of coughs erupted from him. With Frode at a loss, he was not able to warn Ubbe as he reached out to shake his sister awake. Y/n flinched harshly from his touch, rolling away from him and onto her feet. They both stood still, however, Y/n seemed to be on guard due to his presence. Ubbe tilted his head, trying to catch the girl's gaze, but she seemingly refused, not wanting him to see her at her weakest, as her eyes were red and puffy from her night's worth of crying over her brother.

"Sorry to disturb, but my mother asked me to invite you to come eat with us." Ubbe simply said, "I would of sent a thrall, but it seems you've scared them all half to death." Chuckled the man as he refrained from coming any closer.

"No, but thank you." Replied Y/n, turning to tend to her little brother once more. Frode quickly grasped his sister wrist and pulled a pleading face at her. "Y/n, you were never one to deny food, please go. I promise I will be fine." Comforted Frode as he begun to push Y/n away. "You need fresh air, you shouldn't be near me. I am not well," he paused briefly by taking a breath as he tried not to cough, "with you still being injured, it could become deadly if you were to stay near me and get sick." Finished the boy, relieved to see that his persuasion was beginning to work as his sister's frown lessened.

"He'll be fed and watched yes?" Questioned Y/n as she turned to face Ubbe. He nodded reassuring her, "A thrall will tend to your brother's every need."

Y/n began to debate in her head, not for long though, as her thoughts were interrupted by a loud growl that came from her stomach. "Okay." Agreed Y/n begrudgingly, as she came to pushed the hair from Frode's face before leaving the room with Ubbe following closely behind.

•••

"Uh- pardon?" Stuttered Ubbe shaking himself from his trance. Y/n spoke up and repeated herself, "I said, the Queen is very generous. All of you are, you could have left my brother and I to die." Expressed Y/n as she kept her head facing fowards as she walked alongside the prince.

Ubbe blinked down at the girl, inspecting her appearance, which he did more often than he'd like to admit, especially in the little time he was in her presence. "You should thank the Queen, yourself." He said, looking away when he caught himself staring. "She knows something we don't- a-and I trust her enough to follow her blindly. Not only because she is my mother, but because I believe she is fit as ruler." Spoke Ubbe, his tone indicating he said more than what he intended to.

Y/n's forehead creased slightly at the mention of his mother's knowledge of the unknown, but let him be, by keeping silent as they finally made it to the hall.

Bickering could be heard from a table of cluttering cutlery, a whine drawing the attention of Y/n. "Mother. Tell them to stop tormenting me." Mischievously spoke, who Y/n now knew as Ivar, as he held a hand of a thrall, who sat rigid beside him. His head was lolled to the side as he looked pleadingly towards his mother with a pout.

Ubbe walked ahead of the girl, a snort coming from him due to his little brother's banter. This causing everyone's eyes to not only land on Ubbe, but Y/n as well. Ubbe eyed a seat from across the room, rounding the table and sitting besides Hvitserk, who's eyes kept flickering between Ivar and Y/n curiously, as he continued to shove food into his mouth.

At the speed of which Thor would strike his hammer, Ivar shuffled in his seat, removing Margrethe's hand from his lips and dismissing her with just a wave of his arm. Y/n stood quietly, unsure with what to do with herself, before realizing something that could have been crucial.

"My Queen." Announced Y/n as she bowed her head in respect, looking at her through the thick of her lashes. "Morning Y/n. I am pleased to see that you've joined us once more. Please, take a seat beside me." She said, gesturing to a spot in between herself and Sigurd. As Y/n approached, the Queen gave Margrethe a narrowed side glance, "Get our guest a chair." She stated firmly, causing the thrall to panick as she left her spot beside Ivar and walking towards the nearest chair. Both her and Y/n reached for the chair, clutching it at the same time.

"Please, there is no need." Y/n said gently, lifting the chair from Margrethe's grasp and placing it in its spot. The slave just stepped back and scanned Y/n's form before looking away in a submissive manner.

As Y/n took a seat, the Queen continued their discussion before Ivar had been interrupted. "Now Ubbe, when will you have children?" Asked the Aslaug as she gestured to him with a napkin in hand. He grinned, "I probably already have!" He joked causing the others boys to break out in laughter as he pick at his food to throw it towards his mother. "No I'm serious, each and everyone of you should have a woman by now, even married." Spoke the Queen genuinely, as she looked to each of her boys. All of them eyed each other before shrugging without a care and focusing back onto their food. The Queen pinched the bridge of her nose as she shook her head, turning to face her attention to Y/n.

"It seems my boys are far too immature to have a wife, let alone children, don't you think Y/n?" Smiled Aslaug at the girl, which made the boys pause in their gluttony. Y/n found herself a little caught off guard, as she was never the one to get romantically involve, spending most of her time training or raising her brother.

"I don't believe my opinion would have much value my Queen." Began Y/n as she kept her attention solely on Aslaug, "But since they are the King and Queen's children, heirs are expected from them..." Aslaug seemed pleased with Y/n's answer as her lips quirked slightly, "Hmm, and do you have a husband, or lover, for that matter?"

Y/n cringe internally, knowing what Frode would say to the Queen if he had the opportunity. "I don-" However, Aslaug cut her short. "I'm speaking nonsense aren't I? Of course you would. You are a very beautiful young woman, and a shield maiden I assume?" Rambled the Queen which seemed suspiciously intentional. Y/n's mouth was left agape momentarily before she quickly closed it, "Yes, I am a shield maiden my Queen." She said keeping her answer curt.

Hvitserk began giggling cheekily, as he watched the way Ivar strained himself by pressing his palms against the bench. Pushing his torso upwards as he leaned on the table, in hopes of getting a better view of his mother and Y/n as they conversed. Sigurd scowled at his little brother's enamored behavior. Still upset at his earlier possessiveness of Margrethe, especially after she had confided in him the night before.

"As I was saying, you don't need to love the woman to breed with them." Explained the Queen, making Y/n bow down to eat her soup as she try her hardest to block out the conversation; one that she had already deemed as a personal family matter. As Aslaug continued to chatter, Y/n's eyes scan the room as she spooned the food into her mouth, making accidental eye contact with Hvitserk as he copied her actions. He grinned at her as the soup messily dribble down his chin, until an aggressive voice broke his playful staring.

"What is wrong with you?" Quipped Ivar as he now leaned further onto the table staring daggers at Sigurd, "Nothing is wrong with me," spat Sigurd making Hvitserk and Y/n glanced at each other, with Hvitserk widening his eyes at her humorously. "I just wanted to know if she has love anyone except Harbard..." Silence followed making Y/n sit up uncomfortable, "You remember Harbard don't you?" Sigurd continued sparing everyone a glance but his mother.

Ubbe sat stoney still and so did Hvitserk, but Ivar pushed on, with his arms now crossed loosely, "Of course she has loved another," he stated to Sigurd while nodding. "She has always loved me... isn't that right mother?" He urged while smiling at his mother, his eyes briefly catching Y/n's, who was sat just behind Aslaug from his position. However, the Oueen didn't speak and just nodded as she swallowed her drink discreetly.

Y/n's eyebrows raised at Aslaug's reaction, wondering as for why the Queen wasn't being more reassuring to her son, "She just pities you Ivar, just like the rest of us. Y/n probably feels sorry for you too, especially when you look at her with so much desperation." Ivar flinched at Sigurd's words, anger and embarrassment building within him. "and sometimes, we wish mother had left you to the wolves." He smoothly said, as if it weren't something completely vile. Y/n couldn't comprehend how someone could be so cruel, mainly to their family.

"Sigurd!" Demanded the Queen, with Ivar continuing to glare at his brother trying to sort his feelings internally, "What?" Was all he replied with, before resuming his breakfast.

Y/n found herself wanting to put Sigurd in his place, but refrained from doing so as nothing but consequences would come from it. A drag of a chair turn Y/n's attention back to Ivar, as he was now standing tall at the end of the table. This caused Sigurd to haphazardly throw his spoon onto the table, scoffing at Ivar's display.

Ivar began scooting from his seat, supporting his weight briefly on his mother's chair, with her cooing at him to calm his temper. Her attempts went unnoticed as he continued, with his left hand wavering, before it had finally landed on the back of Y/n's chair. Ivar and the girl gazed at each other, with her turning within her seat to make room for the young prince. Ivar was now hesitant, mainly now that he was the closest he had yet been to Y/n, not helping himself as he caught of whiff of her aroma that furthermore attracted him to her. Ivar's forearm gently grazed Y/n's hair as he pulled himself from one chair to another, as he heard Sigurd still taunting him.

"Come on Boneless!" He teased as he stood from his chair now that Ivar was near. Everyone was now standing, Y/n situating herself just behind Ivar. Bowls and utensils fell to the floor as Sigurd pulled a chair from underneath Ivar making him collapse with a painful sounding thud. Y/n reach down to help him, but pause as Hvitserk gestured to her not to from the corner of her eye.

Ivar's frustrated huffs filled the room, his nostrils flaring as he forcefully began to drag himself towards his target. Sigurd's harmful jabs continued, with the Queen now walking up towards Ivar and passing Y/n, who couldn't help but stand and watch how this would play out.

Sigurd seemed to grow tired of this little game, quickly turning and pushing the doors of the hall open, making the bright light bleach the room with a stark white wash, highlighting Ivar's enraged features.

Ivar chased Sigurd out of the room causing a loud scream to rip from his throat, with the Queen attempting to hold him back.

•••

End of part 5.

•••

Notes: Thank you all so much for 50 followers! Had to finish and post part 5 today for you all!

Tags: @youbloodymadgenius, @not-another-viking-fanfic-blog, @midnightmystic

Ask to be tagged!

[writingtoforgetreality]

You’re A Winchester? (Castiel x Winchester!Reader)

Request: You are so sweet, is a little sister Winchester reader good? Like in her late 20s that is their sister from another world/dimension, but they don't have a sister in their world? And she is just trying to fit into their family but she is a good hunter? It can be with Cas Meg or both, whatever you are inspired to do :) (by @sourpatchspinster), [Supernatural-Masterlist]

Part Two

Summary: You woke up in the middle of nowhere. How the hell did you get here? The last thing you remembered was being in a motel room & all of a sudden, you found yourself lost with the worst headache ever. Who would have thought your life was about to be changed forever?

Words: 5,270

Warnings: takes place in season 15 bc I want “everyone” to be alive & happy, language (do I still have to mention this?), mentions of our dear friend Chuck, angst?, innocent reader (I don’t know what happened to me during my writing break tbh), not my fav piece but I loved the request so there you go, fluff, (possible second part?), (Y/E/C) = your eye color

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Black. That was all you could see. Your head was killing you, it felt like someone tried to crush it with their bare hands. It took you a lot of strength but after a few attempts, you managed to open your eyes & were met with a blue sky. Huh…Did you fall asleep outside? No. WAIT?! Were you captured? No, you were just lying on the grass. Slowly, you got into a sitting position, looking around to figure out where in the hell you were. Unfortunately, your surroundings were unfamiliar. Taking deep breaths, you tried thinking logical for a second. The last thing you remembered was you sitting in a motel room, turning pages in an old diary your family left behind.

You had never met any of your family, growing up in a children’s home because…well, you had no idea if you were completely honest. Throughout the years, you had been to multiple foster families but in the end, you always ended up back at the children’s home. Not that you cared too much. It was not like you ever felt like you belonged with them anyway. On your 18th birthday, Sally, one of the employees, came into your room with a small package in her hand. That was the first time you had ever received a gift.

“It says I should give it to you today.” she handed you the small wrapped gift with a genuine smile on her face.

“What is it?” your curiosity got the best of you.

“Open up & see, I guess. I have no idea.” & with that she left you alone once again.

The day you got the diary was when you left the children’s home for good. You could not believe what you had read. Apparently, you did have a family. Or so it seemed. But why the hell had you never met them? And why the hell did it seem like your family suffered from psychological problems? Schizophrenia? To be honest, you did not care about that. The only thing that mattered to you was that it seemed like you had a father & two brothers out there somewhere. It looked like your mother had died a while ago…

~back to your confused ass self~

Being alone out in the middle of nowhere was not particularly comforting. What scared you even more was that you did not even have your stuff with you. Where was your diary? Your phone did not matter to you that much, neither did your clothes. It was not like you owned much to begin with. But that diary? That meant the world to you. Even after years of unsuccessful searching for your family, you never gave up. Because deep down, you knew you would come across them eventually.

Coming to a standing position, you dusted off the dirt that was on your clothes. A black car in the distance caught your attention. What was a car doing out here in the middle of nowhere? Maybe your kidnappers were driving it & brought you here? That thought let your heart race. Yet, you found yourself moving closer to the car. The closer you got, the more you could make out. Was that a ’67 Impala? Out here? And it looked like it was in great condition? If you had enough money you would buy a similar car & you sure would treat it the same way that the Impala’s owner did.

You risked a look inside the Impala, finding it relatively empty, but before you could spend much longer admiring it, you saw something silver in the corner of your eye. Was that a…door? Okay, yeah, you were definitely kidnapped. But not by professionals, that was for sure. Not the right time to joke? Okay, okay, right. Upon closer inspection, you noted that it was most likely a door to a bunker. Why you did not run right away, you were not sure. Something about this place felt like…home. Huh, weird. How could you be so anxious yet so at peace all at once? Only one way to find out. Oh boy, you would so regret this later.

Before you could think too much, your hand was moving towards the door, ready to push. Surprisingly, it was not locked. You had to push your entire weight against the door to keep it moving since it was so damn heavy. By now, your legs were moving on their own & all of a sudden you were standing inside a…bunker? There was not much to make out because your eyes had to adjust to the dark inside at first.

It sounded like footsteps were approaching fast but because of the echo in the bunker you could not quite tell where they were coming from. There was one thing you did notice, though, & it was the fact that there was more than one person coming your way. Fuck.

“HANDS IN THE AIR!” the click of a gun was followed after the loud voice. Obeying, you put your hands up even though you were sure nobody could see what you were doing anyway. It was still dark after all. Right this instance, light illuminated the room & you were stunned by how big the bunker was. Eyes wide, you looked around, only to find you were upstairs & the voice you heard was coming from beneath you. Gazing around, your eyes fell on two broad looking men, both of them pointing a gun at you. Fucking great. You should have run.

“DOWN. NOW.” the shorter one of the two yelled once again. Not wanting to mess with them, your legs moved towards the stairs & slowly you got down, not once letting your eyes move away from the man with the shorter hair. He seemed like the bigger threat. While the taller man looked scary as hell too, he held something behind his eyes that eased you a tiny bit more.

“Who are you & what are you doing here?” this time it was the taller man who spoke up & you had to take back your previous thought. He was scary as shit, especially with his voice sounding like he was up to no good.

“Um, I-I swear, I don’t know. I-“ but your attempts were cut short.

“Cut the bullshit right there. Did Chuck send you?”

“Chuck?” your eyebrows raised up, showing your genuine confusion.

“Dean, I don’t think she’s with Chuck.” the one with the longer hair mumbled. Dean? Huh. The name made you think of your lost diary again. You hoped you would find it eventually.

“Sit down & start talking.” he was not to be messed with so you followed both men further into the bunker until you reached a huge table. Choosing one of many chairs, you sat down but still eyed the guns that were no longer pointed at you but still very much a threat. The men each took a seat opposite of you, putting the guns on the table in front of them. At least they were not holding them anymore. You noticed you held your breath & again, started taking slower ones to calm yourself.

“I’m Sam & this is my brother Dean. We won’t hurt you, just…who are you?” what a coincidence. Brothers Sam & Dean. Were you dreaming? Of course, why did you not think of this sooner? It would make sense.

“My name’s (Y/N).” your voice was barely above a whisper & your eyes shot down to your lap, suddenly feeling small.

“(Y/N), okay. Well, (Y/N), um, why are you here?” Sam’s voice was a lot softer than at the beginning. Dean had not said anything else, he simply looked at you sternly, still thinking you were a threat. You did not even have weapons on you. Hell, you did not even know how to fight in the first place. But clearly they did not know that. Fuck it, if you were about to die then you could actually tell the truth, right? What did it matter? Your voice was quiet but loud enough so the boys could hear you.

“One moment I was reading through a dia- book & the next I wake up in the middle of nowhere with the worst headache ever. I saw the Impale parked outside & then found the door. I don’t know where I am, I don’t even know why I thought opening this damn door would be a good idea.” a slight chuckle was all you could muster right now. Hopefully they would believe you. When neither of them said anything for a few moments, you looked up & saw them eyeing each other, having a silent conversation.

“What book were you reading?” this time it was Dean but his voice was a lot kinder now. The boys knew you were not a supernatural being, the bunker was safe when it came to that & you would have not been able to enter otherwise. Yet, you were confused by his question? That was really all he cared about? Not the fact that you had no clue where you were or how you got here? Not wanting to anger him, you answered, looking him straight into the eyes.

“My dad’s diary. Nothing special, why?” a noise coming from the entrance made you look towards the door. There sure were quite a lot of people for being in the middle of nowhere. Your conversation was cut short when a voice spoke up.

“Sam! Dean! I salted & burned the bones! Case done! Well, Castiel helped me but he said he was proud of my work.” how could someone sound so excited about…burning bones? What the fuck?

“Jack did a good job today.” the other person spoke up. He was wearing a trench coat & his voice was deep, deeper than the others. Obviously, they had not noticed you yet but a look at Sam showed you how uncomfortable he was. At this point, you were more than confused. Salting & burning bones? Why did this sound familiar though? Shit. No way. Your dad’s diary was filled with salting & burning stuff. What was happening to you?

“Uh, guys…” Sam got up & approached the two men who were called Jack & Castiel. Somehow, your gaze fixed on the man in the trench coat. He looked good. Again, wrong timing, (Y/N). Get it together! Jack & Castiel saw you & their faces turned into confusion.

“Who’s that?” Jack asked, his voice did not scare you, he sounded sweet. He seemed like a kind person.

“Jack, Cas, this is (Y/N). She showed up in the bunker out of nowhere.” Dean eyed you once more before getting up himself. Frustration could be felt & you hated that you were the one causing it. Never was it your intention to cause trouble in their lives but it looked like you just did by opening that damn door.

“Could you all maybe sit down? It makes me nervous when you’re all pacing like that.” you were surprised by your own voice. Usually you were never one to intervene, especially not in a situation like this. But you were exhausted & all you wanted was just to get back to your motel & these were the only people who could help your right now. All eyes shot to you & to your surprise, they began walking towards the table. Sam & Dean, taking the seats opposite of you. Castiel sat down right next to you & you hated how your heart skipped a beat by this simple action. You did not even know this man, he could be a killer. Jack took the chair next to Castiel & Sam made it his job to explain your situation briefly. All you could do was listen, your hands fiddling in your lap, still somewhat anxious to be here.

“Cas? Isn’t there a way you could…I don’t know, check her memories?” Dean added right after Sam finished explaining. Your confused face shifted between the two men, not understanding a single word. How could a stranger help you with your memories?

“I could try. But I need your permission to do that.” while saying the last part, his eyes looked straight into your (Y/E/C) ones. Damn, his eyes. His head tilted slightly & it was only then when you registered that he had asked you a question & you simply stared at him.

“Um, permission for what?”

“To take a look at your memories & see what you remember. We could help you after that.” his voice was so casual, as if he had done this multiple times. To you, though, it sounded like he was crazy.

“Right. And you can do that because…?”

“Because I’m an angel of the Lord.” Castiel stated. A what of the what now? A short laugh escaped you. Not because you laughed at him but because you were shocked & confused.

“Cas…” Sam mumbled & put his head in his hands. That was something he had wanted to keep from you. He had a feeling you had no idea about the supernatural & he wanted to keep it like that.

“You can trust him, (Y/N).” Dean chimed in.

“Will it hurt?” not that you were scared of the pain, your pain tolerance was pretty high but on the other hand, he had just told you he was an angel.

“Only a little.” Cas gave you a reassuring smile & that was when you decided you would let him do it. Because, frankly, you did trust him. Even though he might have some sort of mental illness.

Sam, Dean & Jack left the room to give Castiel some time to prepare & to give you time to calm down. He could tell by the way your leg was bouncing that you were highly uncomfortable but he was not sure how to help. His idea was to get it done quickly & then to bring you back where you came from. Hopefully, you would not ask too many questions. He already gave too much away by saying he was an angel. Replaying your face when he had said it eased him a bit. You did not look convinced at all which was probably for the best.

“Try to breathe more evenly, it’ll help.” you could tell he was trying to make this easier for you but you just wanted to get it done.

“I’m ready, let’s do this, please.” the plea at the end was almost inaudible but Castiel could hear it anyway.

Your eyes closed as you saw Castiel approaching. His fingers touched your temples gently but the next thing you felt was a short but piercing pain shooting through your entire body. It only lasted a few seconds & the only words you could make out before you fell unconscious were “You’re a Winchester?”.

“What do you mean she’s a Winchester?” Dean asked with shock written all over his features.

“She’s related to us?” it was Sam, he took the information way better than his older brother.

“Your sister, to be exact.” Castiel paused briefly, waiting if one of the boys wanted to add anything. He took their silence as a sign of continuing. “Her father’s diary, the one she was reading before she got here, it was John’s.”

“Wait, wait, wait…WE have his diary. There’s no way she has it. Besides, we would know if we had a sister.” Dean gestured with his hands to get his point across. He had never seen you, you could not have stolen the book from them.

“You’re right. But in her world, she was the one owning it. In her world, you guys are her brothers.”

“In her world? What’s that supposed to mean?” Sam decided to join the conversation, now wanting answers himself.

“She’s from an alternate universe. I expect she was reading through a spell or something similar & somehow she got sucked into our reality. From what I’ve seen in her head, the portal closed itself behind her so if she has no idea how she opened it & got here…well, it could be hard to bring her back. Besides, I’m not so sure she wants to go back there…” Castiel’s voice got quieter at the end of his sentence.

“Why not?” Dean imagined himself in your situation & he would do anything to get back.

“It’s not really my place to tell, I believe.” & before Dean could argue any further, Jack came running into the room.

“(Y/N)’s awake.” to that everyone followed behind him to one of the many bedrooms the bunker had to offer.

You were tired but the pain had completely disappeared. No matter how hard you tried, you still could not remember how exactly you got here. The door creaked & you looked up to find Sam, Dean, Castiel & Jack entering the room. You were no longer scared. Probably because you were way too exhausted to care.

“So?” you spoke up after a few seconds of silence. Castiel stepped forward & took a seat at the end of the bed you were lying in. His ocean blue eyes looked you over, making sure you no longer were in any pain. You nodded at him to show you were fine & with that Castiel told you what he had seen. It was a lot to take in but your tired state simply made you nod at everything he explained.

“The thing is…We don’t know how to get you back.” Sam approached you slowly, took a seat in a chair next to your bed.

“Cas?” ignoring Sam’s statement, you only had one question on your mind. Back in your world, you had spent years looking for your family. For your brothers. The ones being in the same room with you right now. Also, when did you start calling Castiel by his nickname? When did that happen? His humming gave you enough confidence to continue.

“Are they alive back home?” you did not have to mention names for Castiel to know who you were referring to. His face turned into one of sadness & you knew the answer without him saying anything.

“I don’t wanna go back.” every ounce of uncertainty was gone, you knew it was fate that you were here with all of them now. The four men shared a look, having a silent conversation again. Dean nodded but left the room a second later.

“Don’t mind him, he just needs time to process.” Sam’s sympathetic smile relaxed you a bit. The bunker was nice, so was the fact that you practically met your brothers but you were not planning on staying with them. Dean’s reaction showed you why. They had lived their lives without knowing they had a sister. You, on the other hand, had known about your brothers for years & yet you did not feel the satisfaction you had so desperately hoped for after finally finding them.

“It’s fine, I’ll get going soon.” with that, you sat up straight & tried standing up. A wave of dizziness kept you from doing so. Castiel was at your side in an instant & guided you back down.

“You need to rest.” he told you.

“You’re not staying?” Jack’s voice erupted from the door. You had almost forgotten he was there too. Your eyes focused on him briefly before you looked back down again, a blush slowly making its way up  on your cheeks.

“It’s for the better. I’ll be fine.”

“(Y/N). You’re our sister. Doesn’t matter if you’re from here or from another world. You’re family. We just found each other, we won’t let you leave again.” Sam’s words made you tear up. He did not know you, yet he told you that you were family & he wanted you to stay. For the first time, you felt like you belonged somewhere & you were overthrown with emotions. Since Castiel was closest to you, he sat himself next to you, threw an arm over your shoulder & pulled you into his chest. Usually, you hated crying in front of people but right now you could not care less. Besides, being in Castiel’s embrace felt right. What was it about him? Neither of them left the room, all staying with you for as long as you needed. When you could not feel more tears flowing down your cheeks, you slowly removed yourself from Castiel, immediately missing the warmth of his body. If you were about to stay here, he would be trouble, you could feel it already. Sam, Castiel & Jack then left the room, telling you to get some more rest & to scream for one of them if you needed anything. Details could be discussed another time.

They were right, you needed sleep. Time to sort your thoughts. Maybe that was the reason why you entered the bunker in the first place. Why you were not concerned about them brutally killing you. After waking up, you were more comfortable with the idea of sticking around with the boys. Sam told you Dean would come around eventually & you just hoped he was right. Getting up, you paddled to the door, quietly opening it since you did not know how late it was. There was a long hallway that looked exactly the same, no matter what direction you were looking at. Distant voices could be heard so you followed them & prayed you would not get lost in that labyrinth of a bunker. You had to ask your brothers a question. Your brothers. It felt weird to call them that but they were, right? Back home, you had read through your dad’s diary about a thousand times. You were familiar with what he wrote about. He called himself a hunter. Sadly, you were not about to meet him. Castiel had told you that he had died a long time ago. Sam & Dean were the only family you had left.

“Um, hi.” you made yourself present & Dean turned around to meet your eyes. He looked a lot less tense, thank God.

“Slept well?” at least he was attempting to start a conversation with you. Nodding your head, you walked over to where Jack was sitting. Dean spoke up again.

“Hey, sorry for how I acted earlier. It was just a lot at once. I do want you to stay. We do.” he emphasized his words. This made you smile. At first you were not sure about how Dean would react but this showed you that he was trying & that was enough. Telling him it was fine, you sat down next to Jack & looked over at what he was reading. The book was old but the condition it was in was surprisingly well. A cup was placed in front of you by Dean & you thanked him. He brought you coffee.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Where is Sam? I wanna ask you guys something.” feeling silly with how you put it, way more dramatic than it actually was.

“Right here.” Sam entered the room, walked past Dean & straight to you. A pat to your shoulder eased the tension a little.

“What is it?” Dean seated himself on top of the table.

“Okay, so…I just want you guys to be honest with me, okay?” both men nodded, Jack was lost in his book, he did not even hear you conversation. You continued.

“Monsters are real & you hunt them?” their eyes widened at your question but deep down they expected something like that. The diary you owned was filled with the supernatural.

“Yeah, we do. It’s kinda the family business.” Dean chuckled at the end. You were family but clearly you had never hunted any monster before.

“Okay.” was all you answered.

“Okay? That’s it? You’re not running outta the door?” Sam could not believe you. He expected you to freak out. On the other hand...you were a Winchester.

“I don’t know about you, Sam, but I let an angel of the Lord look into my head. Monsters don’t sound too crazy after this.” all of you laughed out. “So, you guys hunt the supernatural. Castiel is an angel? And Jack? What is he? Your trainee?” the mention of his name made Jack look at you & before the boys could answer your question, Jack decided to take matter into his own hands.

“I’m a nephilim. The offspring of a human & an angel. Lucifer is my father but not really, you know. My mother died when I was born but I have Sam, Dean & Cas. They are my family.” his smile was too pure for this world but the way he so casually talked about the fact that he was Lucifer’s son had you stunned.

“Sure.” was all you could manage at that point. Jack’s smile grew wider & he got back to reading.

“Welcome to our world? I guess?” Sam’s smile was faked but if you were honest, you could imagine yourself being thrown into this mess. Nothing you could not handle.

~a few months later~

“Guys? Have you seen Cas?” you came running into the kitchen where Sam & Dean were having breakfast.

“What? You boyfriend ditched you?” Dean teased & earned a slap from Sam. You simply rolled your eyes at him. Your brothers realized very soon after coming to them that you had a big crush on Cas & Dean loved to mess with you.

“Shut up, asshole. We’re about to leave for the case in Wisconsin but he’s not here.”

“I haven’t heard from him but come on, sit down & have breakfast with us.” Sam offered. You walked over to the boys & sat down next to Dean who handed you a cup of coffee right away. Your smile was a thank you enough.

“Seriously, though. When will you tell him?” Dean munched on his food, not even looking at you but you knew the question was directed at you.

“That we’re leaving for the case? He knows that, Dean.”

“That you like him.” scoffing could be heard. Sam enjoyed your banter in silence. That was one indicator that you were a their sister. After warming up to them, they found out you were actually a lot like Dean. This made you guys argue more often, never too severe, mainly siblings teasing each other.

“Right, & then we’ll have that apple pie life. Is that what you want? Dean, he doesn’t like me like that.”

“Yeah, he does. Poor dude is a mess whenever he talks to you.” again, you simply rolled your eyes at him. Yes, Cas could be awkward when you guys talked but then again, this was Cas.

“(Y/N)?” Cas came into the kitchen where he could hear voices. Immediately your head snapped up & a smile started forming. An action that did not go unnoticed by both, Sam & Dean. Neither mentioned it though.

“There you are, I got worried for a second.” you got up & pulled Cas into a hug. That was nothing special. The two of you hugged each other all the time. Another thing that Dean commented on a lot of the time. Apparently, Cas had never been much of a hugger before you had come around. You simply shrugged it off even though, deep down, your heart skipped a beat at the idea of you being the reason for his change.

“Jack needed to talk to me, I’m sorry.”

“No problem, are you ready?”

“Yes, we should get going anyway.”

“Alright, bye boys.” whenever one of you got ready for a hunt, you made sure to say goodbye properly. You never knew. The last few months, your brothers had helped you with the basics of hunting. If they were honest, it felt like you were born to be a hunter. You picked up the skills quickly & learned a lot about the supernatural in a very short time. Cas told you that it probably was because you were always meant to be here. After a while, you started believing him. At first, Sam & Dean told you you were not allowed to come on a hunt with them but after realizing that you were good at what you did, you became an inherent part of the team which you were grateful for. Now, they even let you leave with Cas, a big step forward.

“Your bag’s already in the trunk.” Cas pointed at the back of the car.

“Thanks, Cas.” you lovingly smiled at him. Yeah, you were totally into him. Cas stopped briefly & got closer to you. Yet, he made sure to keep a little bit of distance between the two of you.

“Why don’t you tell me?” he whispered & you felt like you could not breathe for a second. Had he heard your conversation with Dean earlier?

“W-What?” you hated how weak & nervous your voice sounded. Why could you not play it cool? Why did you have to make a fool out of yourself? Before you could even process what was happening, Cas slowly leaned in & pressed his lips to yours softly. You were too shocked to kiss him back, not knowing if it was really happening right now. Cas pulled back & he looked rather uncomfortable. Your face was still full of shock.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done this. Just…Dean told me you liked me & then I heard your conversation & I thought you might-“ you cut his rambling off by pulling him close again. This time you kissed him & he lost no time in kissing you back. You let yourself get lost in the moment. You had dreamed about this particular moment for months & the fact that it was happening right now? Your body was on fire. When the both of you pulled apart for air, you could see Cas’ smile & you were sure your were blushing like crazy.

“So, Dean was right?” Cas’ hands settled on your waist & it felt natural. As if you had done it a thousand times.

“Remind me to kill him after this case.” you laughed & pulled Cas into a hug. He tightened his arms around you. Who would have thought, all those months ago, that you would end up with an actual family?

“Wasn’t he our…how do you call it? Wingman?” Cas chuckled after planting a soft kiss on the top of your head. He released you from the hug & you moved over to the passenger side. Your elbows were propped up on the hood & a smirk started forming at the corner of your mouth.

“Still. I told him to keep it to himself & he is my brother. I think I have permission to kill him for this.” of course you were joking & if you had to be honest, you were kind of glad that Dean could not keep his mouth shut. Cas walked over to the car, shaking his head at you but you could still see a small smile, opened the door & got in. You smiled to yourself. Finally, you knew that Cas did like you too. Where you were going from there? You were not sure yet. But there was a case you had to finish & it would take a few days to get it done. That would be enough time to figure out what you two were but you had a good feeling about this. It felt right & you had a home with people you loved & cared for. You were meant to be here from the start.

~to be continued?~ (let me know)

Part Two

Published (03/18/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @teelagurl558, @babymango-writes, @hollymac79 (thanks for your support <3)

[pri5cillasanchez]

02/01/2022

They say when you truly love another person, that love will never die. I understand now what that saying means, as it’s been almost three months being without you yet somehow my heart still loves you. Three months later, I thought you would have been merely a scratch in my memory and that thinking you of you wouldn’t hurt anymore. Three months later in reality, and everything I thought was wrong. I try to move on without you with someone else by my side creating life memories now, but for some reason you’re still the one I remember seeing. You’re still the one I speak highly of in admiration as I talk to strangers I meet on my journey about life adventures I’ve experienced. You’re still the only one I am able to write long journal entries about, knowing my heart still loves you very much. You’re still the only one I cry for when I am alone with my thoughts at night. You’re still the only person that made going on adventures and traveling to different places more worthwhile as opposed to my own company.

The other night I thought about you, and my chest began to feel so heavy, all I could do was allow myself to feel it and let out a cry as my heart ached. I wanted so badly to reach out to you just to tell you how much I miss you. It took everything in me to control how I felt. Then I remembered, that it is not my place in your life currently to tell you how much I miss you. I remind myself that I need to be okay with the fact that we may never speak again, and that both of our lives will continue to move on. Part of me still believes maybe some day down the line, you will find it in your heart to speak to me again, while the other part of me accepts that our chapter is done. I used to play out in my head all the scenarios of us ever speaking to each other again, how that conversation would go, how the result would turn out, would we end up together again or not, etc. However, now that I’ve thought about it more deeply.. If I ever saw you again, I feel like I would just cry and hug you one last time to express how sorry I am for everything painful I’ve caused you. I always imagined that if we ever spoke again, I would want to prove to you how much I’ve grown without you in hopes that you would miss me. But I realize now that would be arrogant and childish of me- trying to prove to that I’ve grown in hopes that you would fall in love with me again. I’m not going to deny or pretend how I feel about you if we were to ever see or speak to each other again. I’d allow myself to cry because I deeply loved you and I still feel the tremendous amount of guilt for what I did to you and how I’ve lost you because of it. The next time I speak to you, if ever, I know in my heart I have grown and came a long way from where I was- I don't need to prove that to you to anyone else, only myself. What I would show you is how much I truly cared for you and genuine happiness for you always, even if it means crying and showing weakness in front of you. You were a soft spot in my heart, and you always will be. Time heals all wounds, but it will not change how much I’ll always love you. If years end up passing by, and other lovers inevitably take your place, then so be it but nobody will ever captivate my heart the way you did during the time we had together. 

[pigeonp0st]

Kara Danvers x Reader #6

Words: 1,946

Warnings: none?

Notes:

This is the type of thing I feel needs to be way longer, and I would have made it way longer, but I really didn’t want to get above 2k words for this. I’m sorry if this disappoints, thank you for the request though. (Sorry for any and all spelling/grammar mistakes)

———

Kara was away when you got attacked by the black mercy.

You were on the couch working when the doorbell rang, and like any other person would do you got up to check who it was...instead of a person you found a box, a box that held the black mercy, the black mercy that practically jumped at you after opening and brought you into it’s dream world.

——

Kara strolls into your shared apartment, holding up a bag from your favorite bakery, “i’ve brought gifts!” She yells into the home, eyebrows furrowing when you don’t answer. “Y/N?” Kara calls out, “don’t tell me you’re asleep this early…”

You’re never asleep this early.

She drops the bag of pastries the second she sees you, on the ground with the black mercy wrapped around you. Without wasting a beat she’s reaching into her pocket for her phone.

“Alex,” Kara says, her hand trembling around the phone against her ear, “Alex, the Black Mercy has Y/N.”

——

Kara’s panicking. That much is obvious to Alex the second you and Kara arrive at the DEO. She’s panicking and demanding that they let her into your mind to help you.

Alex is hesitant, understandably.

“Kara,” Alex says, “we might have to pull you out if you can’t get to her. Do you understand that?”

Kara’s eyes are livid when she turns towards her sister. “If i’m remembering correctly you told J’onn not to pull you out before, how is this any different?”

“You’re my sister, Kara,” Alex sighs, glancing towards your body against the lab table. She wants to get you out too, of course she does, you’re her friend, but Kara’s her sister and—

“And she was supposed to be my fiancée,” Kara mumbles, jaw clenched. She looks at you and then back at Alex. “She’s going to be my fiancée. I have to save her, Alex. I have to.”

Alex nods, knowing she isn’t going to be able to change Kara’s mind. She’ll pull Kara out if she has to. “Just be careful. Who knows what’s in there.”

——

It’s certainly not what Kara’s expecting, that’s for sure.

It’s your apartment...that’s where Kara’s transported to. It almost looks exactly the same apart from some very noticeable differences.

Very noticeable.

There’s children's toys laying around, and there's a drawing hung on the fridge that must be from a five year old. Kara would be feeling inklings of jealousy if the second parent in the drawing didn’t look suspiciously like her.

Well, as much as a kid's scribble can look like someone…

“Ma!” A little girl shouts, looking up at Kara with a wide grin. Kara backs away and hits the fridge. “Mom says no superspeed in the house!”

“Where’s Y/N?” Kara asks, remembering her mission. The little girl tilts her head, nose wrinkling in a way that almost looks identical to the nose wrinkle Kara’s giving the kid right now. “Where’s your…other mom?”

The kid only looks more confused. “You were in the room with her…”

Kara doesn’t have time for the girls cryptic responses, so instead of trying to ask more she X-Ray’s the apartment, looking for you. She finds you in your bedroom...with another Kara and a little boy.

The last thing Kara needs is to fight another her. She’s had enough of that for a lifetime. “Do you mind asking...mom,” Kara cringes, “if she can meet you out on the balcony? I have a surprise for her.”

The little girl nods dutifully, turning around. Kara stops her almost immediately.

“Just...call her from here and hide in your room until I get you. I have a surprise for you also.”

Kara barely manages to hold in her sigh of relief when the kid listens to her with little complaint.

——

When Kara see’s you she’s hit with an immense relief she knows you don’t feel, because you’re backing away from her and opening your mouth to scream—she knows you’re going to scream, she just knows it, so she covers your mouth hurriedly.

“Y/N, Black Mercy has you in real life, okay? Do you remember when I went through that?” Kara asks hurriedly, “this isn’t real. This is fake.”

You nod against Kara’s hand, smiling, so she lets you go. The second she does you spit in her face, much to her disbelief. “I don’t know what Black Mercy is, you fraud.”

Kara gives you a confused look. She thought this followed the same timeline...just in the future. “Your Supergirl hasn’t gone through it?”

Your face melts into something like guilt, you don’t know why you’re feeling it, but you are. “After the real Kara fought with Bizarro she quit being Supergirl.”

Kara feels her heart drop in her stomach when she hears that.

This is what you desire?

You panic at the look on her face, you don’t know why you’re feeling so much for this obvious doppelgänger, but you are. You feel like you’ve done something wrong. “She wanted it.” You force out between gritted teeth, not understanding why. “She wanted it.”

“You want me to want it?” Kara asks, desperately, “you want me to want to stop being Supergirl?”

“No,” you hiss, “I didn’t force you—her— at all, don’t you understand?”

Kara looks down and away, fighting tears, “yeah you did, Y/N. Black Mercy shows you what you want most so you don’t accept reality. So you don’t want to leave.”

Your eyes widen with confusion...that’s— it’s not true. It’s not true. This doppelgänger is trying to get in your head. “She wanted it. She wanted to be safe, and I just want her to be okay, so I supported her.”

Kara narrows her eyes at that, “okay?”

“Yes,” you nod, trying to make this doppelgänger understand. You need her to, for some reason. “It doesn’t just put her physical health at risk, it puts her mental health at risk too.” You tell her, “The trauma she is put through saving the world, saving the people, it’s too much responsibility, I know that.”

“Your Kara…” Kara whispers, remembering her mission, “do you really believe she’d give up being Supergirl?” She asks, “knowing who she is, can you genuinely say that’s realistic?”

You’re on the verge of tears now, and you look to finally be understanding, “but she’s safe here,” you whisper, “you’re safe here. My family’s safe here. Our friends—”

And Kara hates this. Hates it desperately.

She didn’t know. She just didn’t know.

“I have to protect people, Y/N. It’s who I am.” Kara says, heartbroken.

“I know. But I have a wife here—you, and two kids. They’re safe. Why should I leave when everything’s perfect?” You ask with a trembling voice. But it’s too late, you know already, you know, you remember, but everything is better here. The people you’ve lost are alive, and everything is just better

“Baby,” Kara smiles wobbly, grabbing your hand, “we’ll have that in the future, too. I’ve always wanted that with you. Here...here it won’t last. You’ll die if you're here too long.” She tries to forget the fact that you might not want her anymore if she continues being Supergirl.

You study Kara’s face closely, opening your mouth to say something, but then suddenly she’s gone. Disappearing like she was never there.

——

“Alex,” Kara says when she’s out, heart beating rapidly, “did it work?” She asks, looking over at the table besides hers, “did it work?”

Everyone in the room looks guilty, and suddenly Kara’s hit with the force of her realization. “You pulled me out,” Kara says dryly, and it’s that moment her heart just shatters.

“Put me back in!” Kara yells, eyes heating up with her laser vision. “Put me back in now! Hurry!”

Nobody moves.

“Kara,” Alex says gently, “four more minutes and you would have died. I don’t want to put you in that close to the time linit. Time moves faster there. You wouldn’t have been able to convince her.”

Kara’s burning rage turns into full devastation in a matter of seconds. She practically crumples onto the floor with her defeat, “put me back in!” She’s yelling but it’s more a plea. “Alex please— please...Alex I love her.”

Alex looks away.

The girl of steel shatters into a million different pieces on the floor of a DEO medical room. Kara doesn’t know what to feel, she’s feeling too many things at once, but something that settles into her immediately is the tiredness.

She shouldn’t be feeling this. It’s unfair. “I hate you.” Kara whispers furiously, “I hate you.” Alex thinks she’s talking to her, and really Kara thinks a part of her will probably hate Alex for this, but she’s talking to herself, because she should have saved you.

If a hero can’t save her own girlfriend what type of hero is she?

What type of girlfriend is she?

“Kara…” You mumble wearily. Every pair of eyes in the room snaps to you. You blink at the emotion on everyone’s faces and the tears running down Kara’s face. “Um...am I interrupting something?”

You don’t get a chance to ask if you can have some alone time with Kara (to apologize) because after a flash of Kryptonian, your life is practically getting sucked out of you by your girlfriend. “What happened?” You ask breathlessly, looking over Kara’s shoulders at the shocked faces all around.

Alex is the one that answers you, looking ten times more guilty than she did with Kara, “we thought you died,” she explains, “or that you were going to. We pulled Kara out and we didn’t think she convinced you.”

That’s when you notice that your kryptonian is trembling in your arms.

“Oh,” you whisper. “Well...i’m alive.”

Kara laughs against your neck in wonderment, making you squirm.

“Stop, that tickles!”

Alex smiles at the floor like she can’t help it, then starts ushering everyone out to give you two some alone time.

“Marry me,” Kara says when she pulls away some time later.

You choke on nothing. “I—what?”

“I’m Supergirl.” She says. You look at her like she’s grown two heads. Before you can say that you’re already aware of that she continues, “I didn’t know that bothered you before. Now I know, but i’m asking you to marry me anyways.”

“Kara,” you mumble, squishing her face in between your hands, “In an ideal world you wouldn’t want to be Supergirl,” you pinch Kara’s cheek when she looks away, “in an ideal world the fact that you don’t want to be supergirl, or aren’t supergirl, also wouldn’t change every fiber of your being.”

Kara looks positively confused.

You sigh, thinking of ways to make her understand. “What i’m trying to say is that Supergirl is who you are. You wouldn’t be who you are if saving people wasn’t the most important thing in the world to you.”

“But you didn’t want it to be important to me—in your dream world,” Kara protests.

“In my dream world you didn’t want to be Supergirl, but since it wasn’t really following logic you were the exact same person anyways.”

Kara pauses at that.

“I’ll admit though, if you did want it I would want it too,” you say quietly, “but since it’s something you don’t want I don’t want it either.”

——

It’s some time later, (after Kara’s caught the man who infiltrated the fortress of solitude to steal the black mercy and send it to you) that Kara brings up her proposal. “I’m glad we talked and all, but are you going to marry me?”

Your eyes widen.

“Oh, you were serious?”

[funkymbtifiction]

I may have something to add to the discussion.

[...] The people were talking, but they weren't saying anything, you know what I mean? It felt more as if they were playing parts instead of TALKING. I don't know if you ever watched Pleasantville, but it reminded me of the scenes in the earlier segments of the movie, right after the characters get sucked into the 50's show and everything feels eerie because the show's characters keep talking to them in a creepy manner, similar to what I am trying to describe. You know, it felt as if everybody had a script in their hands and were reading aloud their lines accordingly, while I was the only one there without a script and absolutely clueless as to what was going on. And I don't consider myself a socially awkward person, although I realized ages ago that my preference for "one-on-one" interactions culminates in a lack of interest for group gatherings and makes me come across as a little more reserved than I actually am.

Enneagrammer has said a couple of times that we shouldn't look at social as "group fondness" because it's not really that; and there are anti-group socials running around whose social identity is built around how much they hate groups. Rather, social is awareness of other people (not just "mine" sx/sp) in sort of a larger contextual thinking -- like, my reputation and how strangers are reacting to it and if I care. A social blind will "step in it" because they don't pay enough attention to social, so they will post something insensitive or provocative and be shocked by the backlash, because it's not what they expected, whereas if they had more social, they could think a little more about how people will respond to it.

That being said, as regards groups -- I genuinely don't mind having a group of my friends around me. And I don't mind adding to that group. I look for people to bring into my life. I host high teas at least four times a year and invite people -- mostly the same people -- but I bring them together to talk about their lives. Does the conversation always stimulate me at these gatherings? Nope. I do it more for them than for me, though it is fun for me to come up with the food, decorate, etc. (And by the time they leave, and sometimes halfway through the meal, I'm exhausted.) I have "run" groups in the past, such as getting writers together to work on a project and fostering an environment where they could be friends. I've introduced my friends together in case they wanted to be friends. This is pure social 2 behavior from my fix, but it's not HIGH on my list of things to do. Nine times out of ten, I have no desire to be in a group. I use them in the hope of building a connection to someone else -- if I wanted to make friends, I might look for a group to join in the hope of finding that Special Person There. Mostly, though, I just want to work on my writing projects and hang out with the people I like.

Other social behavior from me includes (again, the 2) ... running this mbti blog, where I talk to everyone and answer everyone's questions to the best of my ability, without discriminating, as a public service. That's also social -- the desire and need to contribute to society. So it's bigger than just caring or not caring about attending dinner parties and having no interest in the conversations happening.

Now, concerning what you wrote about dating, let me say I am deeply amused, because speaking about how you perceive your relationships and the struggles you have in regards to never fully meeting your expectations described perfectly how I feel and, yet, I am a sx-dom and you are a sx-blind. I guess the only part we "disagree" is that I am too stubborn let go of these, as you described, fantasies of perfect relationships. I also had only one case to happen in my life (though it was of romantic nature) and, although it also scares me that I may never again find this sort of thing, I like to think it at least provides me with a good standard, and that's better than nothing, since a lot of people I meet don't seem to fully know what they are looking for in a relationship.

It's hard TO know without being unrealistic about it. Prince Charming does not exist. Whomever you find is still going to drive you insane at times. And what you care about, and what you THINK you care about, shifts over time. At 18, your ideas about a perfect mate are very different than they are at 30, when you've had time to learn who you are and what you need from a partner. People don't know, because they haven't had enough experiences yet to say, "Well... that bothers me a lot more than I thought."

For example, did you know that most fights within marriages are about finances? At 18, you're probably not thinking, "I need a partner who isn't going to binge-spend everything we make in order to feel happy," because you don't have any life experience to draw on at that point (unless you grew up with a parent who over-spent all the time and thought, "No more") but at 30 you probably know this, if you have sp. Thing is, if sx is last in your stack, you're factoring in sp concerns (money, nesting, feeling comfortable around them), and soc concerns (what do others think of this person? does he/she act socially appropriate in public or would they routinely embarrass me by being oblivious to social cues?) over sx (is our chemistry intense?).

Sx doms care more about those thing than the other two things. If you have chemistry, that's all that matters. You go for it. Like a moth to a flame. And sx secondary factors in whatever their dominant is, before they get to sx. Like so/sx Rose in Titanic being all "Jack, that's wildly inappropriate social behavior... but... tell me more."

Question for you: do you also find weird how everybody seems to be able to find potential mates just about everywhere? It feels as if the staple rule if that, although in varying degrees, a common person is able to find somebody they would at least "do." I frequently get shamed for being "too picky" and am often told I am going to die alone because of that. As in if it's a choice of mine to not feel attracted to people easily? Go figure. It seems to me that people are naturally so desperate to avoid loneliness that they are completely willing to walk over themselves and what they truly want in order to find "somebody". That would explain why most relationships end sooner or later, in my opinion, and thus true love is something really rare to spot. Well, that was all. Like I said, feel free to respond or not. And enjoy your summer :)

Not weird, normal human behavior. No one wants to die alone. It's easier if you "settle" but it may not necessarily make you happier. And it depends on how you define true love. I would say my sx-blind parents, who are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary next week, are in love. And the sx-blind couple who dated for a week and got married immediately and celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary last year are also in love; they have stuck together through some really, really awful, family-devastating times. So for them, true love means staying around even when it's brutally hard and life disappoints them in every way possible, because they made a vow to each other. Sometimes relationships end because people don't want to commit, and aren't willing to change for each other, and are too selfish to put the other person's needs first.

It's good to be picky, but also realistic about how much your partner needs to fulfill you. They can't; you have to do that yourself. A partner for me is an asset, not a burning need. I've never been desperate to have a romantic partner. Being an NF, I have a hard time with reality. I always expect, in an idealistic way, much more than what other people and life provides and spend more time thinking about what isn't than what is. I have a constant sense of, "If ONLY..." going on.

[thatfilthyanimal]

I really don't want to vent here but I also don't want to overload my friends so I'm just going to do it and suck it up, fuck it.

I feel pretty fucking horrible in a very deep way and I don't know how to talk to people about it. This started up around the beginning of April and I thought it was in relation to April just being generally rough on me because of how my dad died, but it hasn't let up yet. If anything, I feel worse. Way worse.

I'm guessing I need to raise the dosage of my medication and I'm actually really heartbroken about that in a way I don't know how to describe. How am I supposed to feel if shit is so horrible I have to take the highest possible dosage I can safely take of a medication? How am I supposed to feel calling up a psychiatrist I just told two months ago my dosage was stable and I was feeling great, to tell her "ha ha ha I high key hate life and want to die again, please, raise my shit so I can hold up the illusion that I'm not a fucking lost cause a little longer?"

So... some of the only stuff I'm really comfortable touching on here is the whole transphobia at the doctors, thing. After spending most of 2020 living at doctors because of unknown stomach pain and just trying not to fucking die from something during a global pandemic I'm at a loss now. Nobody ever figured out my pain issues, I've just changed around what I eat and it seems better... Sort of? But mostly my existence in general hurts because coming out as trans to my newer doctors has been... uncomfortable. Now it feels like every time they "ma'am" me or pointedly call me "a woman" or "female" in a phone call (where I'm specifically asking for help regarding getting on testosterone) I want to claw myself out of my own skin and bury myself deep in the ground where nobody ever has to see me again.

Literally all the shit that I was terrified of that kept me from admitting to myself I was trans this entire time is fucking real and-- I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and scared and tired because I've never needed so much help with something so desperately in my life and the ONE PLACE I should be able to get help from I'm... terrified of, now. I just want to cancel all my future appointments and just never leave my house again because what is the fucking point. I'll never look right and I'll never be taken seriously and my weight is always an issue some-fucking-how regardless of the actual problem, so just. Fuck. Why leave. Why go anywhere. Why try to take care of myself anymore just. why.

I knew this would happen if I came out, I knew admitting I was trans would be a challenge of my ability to continue to love myself and... you know, I do, I do love myself, and coming out has proven that more than anything, but the cost of that almost feels like it outweighs the euphoria of being myself.

But now I'm in that weird middle-state of my body and voice not "matching" my gender and nobody taking said gender seriously and. What do I do. I'm so terrified of this happening at another doctor's office that it hurts to try to reach out. Literally the nearest doctors that might help me are an hour and a half out in Chicagoland, if not Chicago proper. And things feel so uncomfortable here where I am that I may literally need to drive that hour and a half just for basic health care, not just the hormone therapy and. Like. It hurts.

If I had figured this out sooner while I was in Champaign, there was an endocrinologist there and the city was super LGBTQIA+ friendly and I'm kicking myself for not doing something before I moved three hours away. Getting help could have been maybe a 15 minute drive in my own city instead of an hour and a half into the heart of Chicago, which, btw, I fucking hate driving in because everyone out there drives like a crazy asshole.

Idk. I'm tired and I'm scared and worn down and I don't know how to ask for help. I tried with one of my local friends but, well, their life is busy and its always "oh I forgot to ask my friend about that place here that would help you, sorry, there's been so much going on" but. It's been months now. They were the one that suggested I reach out to said people about whatever place it is, and I don't want to be rude but also... are you going to help me? Because it sounds like my sorry ass is stuck going to Chicago in a global pandemic to get T and I'm really upset about it.

Like, if my friend can't even see it as important than I guess I just have to do everything alone. Just like I've had to with BPD.

This is getting way longer than I meant, and it's not even the worst thing just. I'm feeling vulnerable and isolated as hell and I need more support than I have and I'm too scared to ask for it. And most of the people I know can't do jack or shit about it because there's really nothing they can do, so like. Why ask them. Why tell them. Idk.

I'm talking to a therapist too, have been for months, and she's nice but she's not great for trans issues. She's supportive but it's not her specialty. Because I have borderline I have to kind of choose my battles when it comes to therapists... There are therapists that handle BPD and therapists that handle trans issues but my insurance doesn't cover one that specializes in both at once in this town. And BPD is super misunderstood-- the wrong therapist may admit me for just passive suicidal ideation not realizing it's a common and (generally non-life-threatening) part of BPD that doesn't hold real threat. Getting a therapist for trans issues that doesn't know how to read the weight of my depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and call them correctly is dangerous and... that's its own problem. I have to choose my battles here and it's really hurting me.

Like I really don't know what to do. Do I get a second therapist and risk that they may not understand BPD and may be overwhelmed and scared to work with me? God. I've never had two therapists at once and the thought is... idk. It hurts.

I just want to feel okay, and I don't. And I'm more tired and scared and feeling misunderstood than I've ever been and the idea of reaching for help is terrifying me. This feels like stuff I should only be unloading on a therapist, not my friends... my friends deserve better than that. But also I'm well aware of how my friendships will go if I start to use them to vent and seek help like this.

Idk. I wish I knew how to talk about everything that's wrong right now but I... can't. It sounds horrible and mean when I say it all and I don't want people to look at me like I'm fragile and someone to pity, but that seems to be my life and how people are going to view me. I basically exist as an example of what not to be. So. Idk. I'm tired and I want help but I'm scared to ask for it.

Past friends have taught me that if I seek help and cry to them that I'm a Problem that they need to distance from and. It hurts. There may be friends that do genuinely want me to come to them and I don't know how to try; the idea scares the shit out of me. Everyone I've ever opened up to (besides my partner) has eventually grown sick of me and I can't handle losing what support I have right now.

I need to hush cause this sounds blamey and I don't mean it that way. My life is just... highkey fucked and I'm trying to hold on and struggling about it.

I don't regret finally admitting to both myself and everyone else that I'm trans, but fuck, the weight of this level of medical rejection on top of the BPD feelings interfering with my ability to reach to friends for help just... it's so much. And I feel guilty complaining about it at all.

And every time I post something public about it I'm just giving people insight on why they should avoid me, or worse, exactly what they can do/say if they want to hurt me.