#like woah i sound so eloquent i am sure to get points for this performance. but i really dgaf
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pride month over and nothing gay happened to me. in fact i was pursued by the horrors
#personal#really bad year so far. im so fucking lonely but ofc my response to having a tough time is to shut down and isolate#yknow wgen youre trying to prepare for hard times ahead and kind of hyped for any kind of change but also you know that#youll never have this amount of comfort and stability ever again. yeah#the combination of being too sick to live independantly (and getting worse every day) plus the fact that#i repell people that might otherwise help me because i am socially inept and severely anhedonic#i will die alone not because nobody reaches out but because i am genuinely an asocial featureless cinderblock of a person#whose only way of showing affection is parallel play and sometimes physical touch#im hyperverbal but i never say anything of emotional substance. i just say smart-sounding shit and depersonalize listening to myself talk#like woah i sound so eloquent i am sure to get points for this performance. but i really dgaf#im not shy and i dont have low self esteem im just utterly hollow inside and wish i could feel stuff in first person#instead of just. watching myself.
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