#i went and got myself all emotionally invested in them

[voltaridylla]

Hi Volta! What are your top ten fic recs (any ship, any length) ?

Dude I have so many recommendations of fics that have like… changed my life. Like it’s dramatic but I reread them and I get filled with so much nostalgia and love for them- sometimes the second read is better than the first and you spot the details of characterisation and easter eggs!! So allow me to just ramble my appreciations for these fics (I go on tangents a lot whoops)

So I feel I must mention this first but

1) Bloodlust - Libbywednesday

This fic got me back into the fandom when I saw the animatic on youtube!! I was hooked and read it in a day. I loved the grittiness and the slow burn aspect of it, the characterisations were also amazing!

2) The Thief Trilogy - Wintergrew

I read this fic straight after I completed Stick of Truth!!! MY GOD… it’s amazing. It’s a favourite Creek fic of mine but it wasn’t just the romance, it was the action and the amount of world building that went into it that truly made it spellbinding. I read it in like five days and it has one of my favourite characterisations of Tweek to be honest!!! This fic was also what made me get an ao3 account.

3) Stan Marsh and the Lost Lyre - Alottodix

Okay- this was the first fic I read when I got an ao3 account and I am in love with it!!! I may not have read Percy Jackson or know much about it but this fic made me WISH I did. It’s amazing, the narration, storytelling and the characters are so well written and it brings me so many feelings of how it felt when I first read fantasy as a kid!! Like it’s just so cosy and the found family dynamic is just SO good. Also @alottodix has the best characterisation of Cartman, rereading passages gave me a deeper appreciation!!

4) Chaos Plan - Helioleti

THIS FIC MADE ME CRY. BAWL. SOB. Like I was crying at 2am even though I had a shift next morning LMAO. This is such a good fic, it’s quite dark with themes and it reads like a suspense/mystery. It reminds me a lot of the film ‘Brick’ with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and I love that aspect of it- solving the mystery and the characterisation of Kenny is so fucking amazing. I highly recommend reading the Chaos Plan extra - I read it because I needed more Chaos Plan content and it was so worth it.

5) I Will Make of You - Purplepeptobeismol

This fic also made me cry- but happy tears this time lmao. As you can tell I’m just very emotional. This fic is one of the best for original character at the centre but still weaving it into canon- I LOVE COOPER MCCORMICK!! Reading this was a blast and I loved the amount of research that went to it such as time travel and all that (I’m not gonna spoil the rest but just AAAA) it’s so good and the writing is so good and I found myself emotionally invested.

6) Top 3 reasons to not open a multidimensional time rift: number one will surprise you - Clearly_Nonsense

THIS FIC IS SO GOOD!!! It has the zaniness of South Park and it’s done so well, I found myself laughing out loud at some passages!! I loved the multidimensional aspect and how characters from FBW/SOT/SP would interact in these different settings. I also love Tool Shed <3 he’s my favourite character in this fic (Brazilian Tool Shed FOR LIFE) !!! I also need to mention the art work that’s in the fic is AMAZING- it captures the scenes so well. It’s so good and y’all should follow @up-side-in-side-out for their art!!

7) The Gods Watched Over Us - Ursamajorstories

AAAA if you love Atlantis and Road to El Dorado this fic is for you!! It has incan Craig/explorer Tweek and it’s so good. I loved the characterisations and the writing was IMPECCABLE. Like it was so vivid with imagery and it’s like a comfort read honestly. I also loved the world building as well and it was another fic I read when I first got my ao3 account!!!

8) Groomsmen - Apricotkittycat

I LOVE THIS FIC!!! I love their take on style in this fic and Stan and Wendy’s friendship <3 I also love Ike and Marjorine in it too. The concept is kind of like Slice of Life-ish but then BAM there’s a whole mystery to solve. It’s a great spin on things. The narrative is great and I love so many scenes that I can’t say for fear of spoiling but I highly recommend it- I read it in a day!!

9) The Perks of Being an Eldritch Abomination - PheonixKenny

I know I mentioned it earlier but this fic is AMAZING!! I LOVE cthulhu Kenny and this fic did so much effort with the body horror aspect of his curse taking on physical form - also there’s a lot of comfort so it’s really sweet and I loved the friendship dynamics. Really good- I love it!!

10) I saw the Stars in Your Tail - Craigtuckeradvocate

I will always love this fic. I read it when I was 12 or 13 and it has such a special place in my heart (I’m also a sucker for mermaid AUS.) THIS WAS AMAZING - I loved the romance between Craig and Tweek and it’s stays with me ever since. I’ll probably cry reading it because of nostalgia and how long time has passed. <3

Sorry this took forever but here are fics I LOVE and am obsessed with forever <33

[canadaxed]

Lucy is an Ancient!.... theory.

you might like this if you: really like the idea of eldritch beings falling in love with some normal ass dude who is totally unaware.

I also posted this all on the Klei forums, which might be easier to read for some people. Click here for that version.

A while ago I posted: "someone remind me to make a post on my theory about Lucy being an Ancient" and I finally got around to it! Feel free to read. It's a long one, but the main timeline for the idea is in the last paragraphs if you want to skip ahead.

Here's the theory now:

Hey gang, I figured I'd post this theory I have. I dunno if anyone else has picked up on it, I didn't find anything myself. I'm gonna try my best to explain why I believe Lucy the Axe could be..... an Ancient!! Like the spirit of the Shadow Maul or Reaper. 

First things first, lets start with Woodie, the scraps of lore we have for him, and what Lucy means to him.

We know that the survivors entering the Constant (at least in the DS era) have a pattern of wanting something, or being emotionally vulnerable- and this is typically what Maxwell preyed on to get them into the Constant. 

In Walter's short, we get a glimpse of Woodie's cabin. He has references to his family being from Scotland in it, various stereotypical Canadian British Columbian Guy decor, two very conspicuous chairs in the main room.... and "Lucy's" outside.

That's right... Woodie never took the physical "Lucy" with him. I put Lucy in quotation marks because we don't know if Lucy was always his axe... or if she was the person that second chair in his home belonged to.

The guy went deep into an uninhabited forest to get away from people, why would he have two chairs in his home right next to each other? Pair this with with how he leaves his red "Lucy" axe outside, rather than having left her on the chair or something like one might if they were romantically invested in something.

Keep this in mind too when considering whether Lucy could’ve been a real person or was always an axe.

Now, putting the pieces we have so far together, one could follow this story pretty easily:  Woodie lost his wife and was reminiscing on memories of her while listening to the radio, which was the prime moment for Maxwell to swoop in with the promise of reuniting them.

Don't Starve fans might be skeptical for a few reasons: DS fans are split pretty evenly between wanting Woodie to be "just some funny guy" and also desperately wanting more information on this mysterious Lumberjack. When you put this theory into perspective, it all feels too easy; or it just feels wrong to completely blow open a huge point in Woodie's lore that is otherwise kept close to Klei's chest. 

Secondly, somewhat related to the first point: Klei's got plans in motion for their lore. The idea of even the gameplay of the world is that you start out knowing nothing, and slowly, SLOWLY, you gain more information. Even then, though, the game becomes more complex and deep. Essentially the team's been doing the same thing with their lore. Whether they only had a loose idea at the beginning and are now really hitting the road running with the direction they want to go in terms of lore, or if they always had an idea for it: they've been giving us glimpses of it over the past... 12 years? We've never gotten the full picture even after all this time, all these shorts and expansions. And each new bit of lore that gets revealed, there's another complexity added to it. Again, people might be thinking "this is just too easy a conclusion to come to, I could've thought of that." 

They might just really be banking on Woodie's general obscurity in relation to the main story as a way to give him a lot of interesting tidbits that people won't immediately dissect.

Thirdly: I'm just one person posting something on the internet. I could just be way too much of a fan of Woodie and reading too much into all this. And I could totally be wrong or be wrong about some things and right about others. Either way, I don't anticipate getting any answers from Klei for a long time if at all, which only adds to skepticism. 

(If you ask me, Don't Starve and its short animations/puzzles/lore drops are begging to be nitpicked.)

So lets back-track a little and talk about why Klei might've decided to drop so much potential, very vital Woodie lore in this one short. (AKA: the Woodie Tangent part of this theory thread, cus I love him)

If you've seen the short animations on Youtube, you might go to the comment sections here and there to get a general community consensus on them or the character. The comments are overwhelmingly positive and a lot praise how the lore is being handled. 

Then you get to Woodie's very own animated short.... 

If you've seen it, you know it's a silly animation where Woodie , in the Constant (unlike other shorts til then), is chopping trees and gets attacked by a tree guard. He uses his three wereforms to fight it, and overall its a pretty fun time. The comments are mostly positive, but a lot expressed disappointment in not getting any more lore about Woodie. He's a very mysterious character, even despite having one of the longer character bios in the game. 

So, eventually Walter comes along. A young boy from Canada, part of a boy scouts troop, really into monsters. If the developers didn't have Woodie in mind when making Walter, they ended up becoming very intertwined character and story-wise anyway. Klei being the cheeky devils they are, decided that if people wanted Woodie lore so bad, they'd get it.... via Walter's short. We only get a few glimpses at background things (we might've even got a hint that Woodie lives on vancouver island) but to Klei, that's enough. Clearly we've gotta do something with what we got. 

But even Walter's short didn't give us enough for full answers to anything.

Let's move on and get to the real stuff: Lucy, Maxwell, and the Ancients.

The Ancients in Don't Starve lore refers to a powerful society of bug people that existed in the Constant long, long ago. They went extinct because of their over-reliance on nightmare fuel, which brought them from famine and gave them great magic and technology that allowed them to live in a bustling utopia, for a while.

We see an ancient in the metaphysical "flesh" in Hamlet as the Ancient Herald. We also know that the spirits that embody such weapons as the Shadow Maul or Shadow Reaper were once ancients, and their souls were probably in the pure horror/dark tatters used to create those items. 

Anyway, the reason why they matter in this instance is because the only other living, talking tools we know about in the game are the Shadow Maul and Shadow Reaper, who both happen to have special dialogue for Woodie. They’re possessive over him, and jealous of and particularly spiteful towards Lucy. They’re also made with dark magic, unsurprisingly, and that’ll come into play later in terms of my theory for Lucy’s existence. I’m noting now that the Shadow Reaper/Maul and Lucy all have a nonchalance about them and are eager to be used. Also, that they all feature red prominently in their designs.

As fun as I find all these personality similarities though, we won’t talk about them much. Here are these comparisons for the hell of it:

Shadow Reaper quote:   "We make a good team, no matter how you ssssslice it." Lucy quote:   “We make a good team!"

Shadow Maul quote:   "Ch- cho- chop. CHOP!"   "Ch- chop tree... CHOP TREE!"   "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" Lucy quote:   "Chop chop chop. Heh."   "Chop, c-c-chop!"

Also on this point of Lucy being a magical item, remember how she will always disappear in the world if Woodie’s gone too long and be replaced by a normal axe. If Woodie tries to use any normal axe that isn’t her, she immediately disappears from where she was last dropped and poofs right into Woodie’s hands in place of that axe.

Alongside this, typically you can only carry/have one Lucy at a time, and she does have special dialogue if you can somehow hold another one.

So, we’ve established the similarity between the talking items. Keep in mind that its established now that inhabitants of the Constant can summon the souls of the Ancients to be used as objects with dark magic.

Moving on…

Its safe to say Maxwell couldn’t manipulate too much beyond the confines of the Constant and his portals and the radios, like we see with him needing Willow and Wilson’s help.

He also can’t seem to drag anyone into the Constant whose name doesnt start with W. Also, whenever Maxwell “fulfills a wish” in order to get a survivor into the Constant, it always comes with a twist. (If Woodie didnt want anything new or different from his current life, he wouldn’t have been lured in. If Woodie just wanted his axe to actually talk to him, he wouldn’t just be given that no strings attached. If Woodie wanted someone back and was promised they’d be in the Constant, why not turn them into his axe, which as a lumberjack he’s metaphorically married to?)

The possibility of Maxwell dragging Lucy’s spirit into the world alongside Woodie is feasible, considering Wendy and Abigail’s situation. But if that were the case, then why not let her stay as a spirit attached to Woodie, rather than having to construct an entirely new form of axe? Because remember, Woodie didn’t bring his real axe into the Constant with him.

You could argue: “because he’s bored. Lol.” and to that i say….. Yeah true lol. Work with me here! 

Here’s another potential point towards Lucy’s spirit being brought in with Woodie: Wendy’s quotes for Woodie often refer to Lucy, and how Abigail favours her. 

But keep in mind that this (Wendy/Abigail recognising a spirit in Lucy) only tells us that there IS a presence in Lucy. Also, considering Winona’s short, I think it’s safe to assume that Abigail might only be able to exist in the Constant because of her flower somehow being tethered to its magic. Lucy wouldn’t have had that.

Alongside that, Maxwell’s quote for examining Lucy:   "Ah. How have you been, Lucy?"

EDIT FEB 2025: And his quote for the wooden waking stick: "Lucy does fine work"

He knows there IS something in the axe and appears familiar with her

So…

Let’s rule out a few other ideas for Lucy’s existence real quick (just in terms of this theory… because i still love these interpretations): 

Lucy being purely in woodie’s mind: then other characters wouldn’t think much about her, Maxwell wouldn’t speak to her so familiarly or as a real person. Even if the magic going into the DST world made her able to speak, Maxwell would be more likely to show surprise at her sentience (its something new that happened after his reign) 

Lucy only existing because Woodie willed her into existence on arrival into the Constant: See above, Maxwell wouldn’t be so familiar with her. Plus, putting together the pieces of woodie having left his real-world fire axe outside his house while he was spending his down time inside, we can assume that woodie in the real world didnt have the same deep connection to his axe. If he could will something into existence, why not have it be the real person he was missing that he wouldve shared that chair with?

Lets start wrapping this up.. Cus I’m no good at writing coherently in long-form.

Here’s what I think could be the potential timeline of events for this theory, putting all the pieces together: 

Maxwell needs to lure a depressed, possibly mourning Woodie into the Constant and promises him he’ll reunite him with his partner, Lucy. Her spirit’s not tethered to the real world anymore (because unlike Abigail, she didn’t have that odd flower) and Maxwell can’t manipulate the world outside of the Constant to that degree- but he has a lot of power inside of the Constant. He calls upon the spirit of an Ancient, seemingly the only spirits that can be returned to a level of sapience, with dark magic of which he’s especially adept, and forges its spirit into that of a special axe.

Then, either he imbues the axe with Woodie’s memories or the axe/eldritch powers-that-be gain them in their own way (think Maria from Silent Hill,) and upon Woodie’s passage to The Constant, he receives her. 

As far as Woodie’s concerned, he’s gotten everything he needs, and takes his existence in The Constant without much disdain. As for Lucy, her old Ancient spirit is happy to be alive again and feeding off living beings (trees). It takes getting used-to to be an entirely new “person”, but she gets the hang of it. She’s clingy and codependent because he’s her source of fuel, but quickly forms a bond with him and ends up caring about his wellbeing, to the point of helping his survival in the DST era. Woodie is blissfully unaware and thriving.

....

Alright, thanks for reading! I know it was a lot. Feel free to discuss. I love Woodie and Lucy. I'm sure I missed a few things, like maybe how Lucy knows about Woodie's wereform cycle with the moons and when his beaverness gets low (the moon thing could be a reference to how the Ancients worshipped "Alter"/Them, and the beaverness thing could just be her dark magic picking up on his curse) ... or how Lucy is very picky with other survivors and very sure of herself/forward/brash like the other sentient items, but those are more of a stretch.

[givingblood]

Feeling stupid bc other than it being rushed as fuck, I didn't think it was bad? Kinda doubting myself rn

Don't stress dude you have the popular opinion, a lot of people agree with you.

I just feel like we spent a lot of time with characters we had already explored (silco Felicia vander) and characters we don't really have any reason to know (kino), we got black rose for no reason, I feel like Mel could have been such a great push back against Ambessa, let her outfox the wolf, let her be the mediating voice for Caitlyn rather then creating Maddy to pat Cait on the back and say "Ur a good person x"

Maddy has no value and having Caitlyn sleep with someone regardless of how little she seemed emotionally invested feels like lazy shock value, if Maddy was used as a stand in to show that Caitlyn is doing everything she can to stop thinking about Vi then I'd see it as a characte development but it wasn't, she was just there and then she wasn't.

Caitlyn was so under utilised, I thought I was going to see this new arc, where she decends into a form of jinx derangement, where she gets lost in her fear of jinx and have her slowly start to unravel the wool that Ambessa placed over her eyes, but that's not what we got. Caitlyn followed Ambessa around, and turned on her seconds after running into Vi. Also, the blue eye samurai part rubbed me the wrong way and by the trailer I think we are seeing hand to hand combat with Ambessa and God, please give my girl her rifle... please.

Vi, my sweet angel, I was told by the show runners that this was going to be her season, we are going to see her at her lowest, explore who Vi is when she has no one to protect, but we literally did not get that at all. Within minutes of seeing Jinx she is back on buddy terms, they have playful banter and they are cuddling Warwick. Vi was not given any development, she was just given a dog to protect instead.

Also, Vi was hit in the face twice by the people who deserved to be slapped and that upsets me just because lol.

Isha is lazy to me, she was given to Jinx to be a stand in for her younger self because writing Jinx as someone who has to come to her own senses by taking accountability is just not something the writers could do apparently. We needed a physical embodiment of her former self to get her to care about her actions and she was used to develop Jinxes empathy while the lives of the people Jinx ruined (vi, caitlyn, sevika, the undercity) crumbles around her.

Viktors arc felt like I was watching a different show, it felt uncanny, unlike Arcane and any time he went into his weird cosmos I cringed, Skye being there drove me crazy too, this girl meant nothing to Viktor, she didn't even call her by her first name. They were colleagues, and she had unrequited feelings.

Mel and the black rose felt like they threw Mel in a hole (literally) for 2 eps and brought her back because ??

Where is Sevika? Where is ekko? Where is heimerdinger?

((( I fucked with Jayce this act tho, he kept his word and he's seen the horrors, he's recalibrated to Heimerdingers perspective and it was a journey for him, he came back to fix his mistakes and he looks great doing it)))

I have so many feelings and I'm not the best at articulating them in a way that captures exactly what I'm talking about so I'm sorry if you didn't get much out of this.

It had an emotional weight to it because Arcane always delivers visually and musically, I swear if arcane directed a scene where I dropped my sandwich on the ground they could make that a masterpiece and the audience would be balling their eyes out, they know how to create atmosphere.

Arcane is the best show I've ever watched, I will always recommend it to people, and by the sound of it everyone else loved it, they got what they wanted and I'm so happy for them.

I think I just had my expectations through the roof because season one was a masterpiece.

Act 3 this weekend and the end of arcane, I'm nervous and I truly hope we all end up happy.

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi, I saw a post Ray made about inner worlds and part of it was about inner world trauma/abuse. As a part in a system who's grappling with that kind of thing right now, do you have any advice or suggestions or insights you could share about addressing and processing them specifically? Is there really even much of a difference in approach, considering at their core they mirror/reflect/obscure/etcetera and connect to external events? (I just talked with our therapist about the internal stuff for the first time today, and we're doing a EMDR-adjacent thing called ART next session to hopefully help me jumpstart processing, so this is more a 'what worked for you all; what might be worth trying -- safely! -- on my own/under watch of the therapist?' question. I hope that makes sense?) Thanks in advance. I hope you feel okay answering this question, and please don't feel obligated to answer at all. (I did read your boundaries page-- if this oversteps I'm sorry, and I apologize.)

Oh man was that an old post of ours if I'm correctly thinking of the situation that had me talking about that back then. Honestly, I don't really think there is anything of a huge difference in how processing for that works beyond the sort of "meta" challenges which are the "well this isn't real so (a lot of self invalidation / reasons to deny self the space to really feel and processes the emotions around it)" that don't really exist when it is a trauma that physically happened.

In that sense, I think the only real key thing to keep in mind for that is to honestly honor it and treat it with the sensitivity that you would a trauma that happened outside of the inner world ESPECIALLY in the privacy of your own thoughts, life and therapy sessions.

One can argue being a little more cautious when in public spaces as a respect thing especially if the trauma is """more extreme""" than what you experienced; I personally have mixed feelings about that notion, but that's a matter of opinion and at the end of the day, when it comes to public spaces we go on the principle of "say what will allow you to sleep at night and what you are secure standing by".

At the end of the day, denying yourself your genuine emotions and feelings of hurt and pain towards something is really a way to let it control you and to keep it around longer. Finding a safe space internally and - if possible - externally to give those feelings, even if 'silly' 'cringe' or 'not real', will go a mile in helping move forward and heal from it.

Honestly, other parts have processed some of "the actual trauma that happened" because I know what trauma got interpreted into my inner world trauma, but I honestly never actually went back to The Actual Trauma as much as I just processed what 'my trauma' was.

I don't think, even if I wanted to and tried my hardest, I could turn what I experienced internally, to relate to my sister because as far as I am aware (or more accurately, feel) my sister has literally no relevance to me or my life. Yes I know the trauma and dynamic that I had with an old part of ours was that way BECAUSE of what our sister was doing with us and that the dynamic heavily mirrored the Actual Dynamic we had with her, but as Ray I never really paid attention to her or really gave a shit about her so I really genuinely can't find myself emotionally invested in all that.

Even so, I did process the hurt I had with the part that followed a similar pattern and it did a lot of healing for me and - as a result - everyone in the system / the whole as well, so like..

Honestly, TLDR, the main thing is to just approach it without judgement and give it the respect it deserves as a genuine trauma, cause it is genuine real trauma even if its proceeded and experienced in a weird way.

[magicaldragons]

'in the name of pain and outrage'

an analysis of the ending

I say this with utmost love, but episode 16 was a shitshow.

i walked into this show accepting it at face value – a show that would take itself lightly, with a compelling subplot marinated in humor, and a dose of sweet romance.

this show tried to include very mature, sobering themes with slapstick humor, which is definitely possible if balanced properly, but i feel this show was not able to achieve this the way do bong soon or others could.

to get some of the discrepancies out of the way:

they never told us that the women's senses were connected, geum joo should not have been able to feel namsoon's thirst – that's something they abruptly added to fuel the tension of the situation.

there is absolutely no reason nam soon would react like that to the drug, when you compare it to how every other user was affected by it.

the strength exerted by gil-joongan did not feel like enough to knock her out like that

and with how easy it would've been to leave the situation, it's very obvious that nam soon taking the drug was an ill-planned way to raise the stakes and increase suspense

the homeless couple truly had nothing of value to add to the show or it's message

none of the show's themes or messages were delivered properly towards the end, and it went against everything it preached.

the immediate tone change after ryu si-o's death did not do any justice to the effort put into his characterization

i do not understand how nam soon became a cop, all technicalities considered

why was she throwing humans out a window from the second floor, even if they're criminals??

they REALLY cheapened the whole marriage conversation by bringing money, property, and heirs into it. that was NOT romantic or wholesome. hee-sik deserves better parents, tf.

side note: i'm pretty disappointed with namsoon's character arc, but lee yoo mi worked within the purview of the script to give us honestly wonderful acting, especially in episode 15.

now, to get into the ending, i'll start with this:

what we got, felt like an empty victory. hollow and out of place.

i've always been an advocate for all parts of a show coming together to create an experience – there's usually no single keystone.

but as soon as si-o died, the rest of the episode felt like a blur, with all loose ends being succinctly wrapped up and prepared for season three. byeon woo seok, and his characterization really carried the show as a unit, and added to its cohesiveness. i did not find myself rooting for geum joo and nam soon's successes afterwards

because they had failed the ONE thing most of us had been hoping for them to do:

to save people who were victims of oppression from those with the power of money, and empower them, including to save si-o from his oppressors, and help him take down pavel.

there is no satisfaction in geum joo doing it by herself, because she has no emotional investment in destroying pavel.

losing hwaja and si-o, watching namsoon & heesik become one dimensional all of a sudden, and seeing tertiary unrelated characters having their loose ends tied, is extremely unsatisfactory – for a show that had an incredible cast and so much potential.

at the same time: i loved the portreyal of gil joongan's mission to help the elderly and her enthusiasm for her future, and the addition of binbin + looking into their past from an additional angle also really elevated the emotional context of si-o's character arc.

i loved each character, truly, and to not see the plot and writers give them the detail and care they deserve, is wholly disappointing.

the show took me on a whole journey, emotionally,,,but to know exactly what would make it better, and be aware of its discrepancies makes me grieve the potential it had to truly leave an impact on its viewers, with a solid takeaway message.

[snowball-doie]

No one asked, but I wanted to share why fanfic posts might take a little bit, and why asks in regards to polycule content, dreamscape short series, or Johnny x manager fic are greatly appreciated as a distraction.

TW for abuse, depression, weight, ed, self harm, suicidal thoughts

Honestly, I hate making posts like these because I think most people either don’t read them or roll their eyes at them because they think it’s a desperate attempt for attention. And I guess that’s not wrong. But the truth is I’m short of irl friends lately, my best friend being the only person ik irl that I still talk to and he’s rarely available because of his work schedule and the fact that I think he’s tired of me………. Which I don’t blame him for. I don’t have money for therapy, my insurance doesn’t cover it. I don’t want to invest in a private diary when my storyteller heart wants people to read my story instead. So here we are. My call for attention/cry for help.

Tbh, I’ve always been the weird girl everywhere I go, and it’s something I’ve struggled heavily with, prior to and after being diagnosed with autism and depression. Growing up, I had no friends. I went to a K-12 school with the same people who thought I was too weird to interact with, so I was never invited over for playdates, parties, sleepovers, etc…. In college, I was still the weird girl, but people didn’t seem to mind, or so I thought, until I started going through friends faster than I could make new ones, and I really never had anyone to blame but myself, because if everyone wants to leave me, then there’s only one common denominator…….. Me. I knew I was the problem— I know I’m the problem. And I always try to fix myself, but I never seem to do anything right. So I just leave. I graduated college, and I’ve got my internet friends who I keep at arm’s length out of fear of being hurt again, or unwittingly hurting them, and I have my 1-2 irls whom I still talk to. That’s it. My life’s been very lonely… Which is why I’ve always written fanfiction.

As a kid, I started writing 1 Direction fanfics, dreaming of Louis and Zayn saving me from the kids who were bullying me lol. In middle school I started writing fanfics for every piece of media I consumed, which is why I started consuming so much TV that I fell behind in school because I cared more about watching the new episode of Teen Wolf than doing my math homework. And I wondered by people thought I was weird. Throughout the years, my hyperfixations have come and gone- Harry Potter and Star Wars seem to resurface the most, and I got semi-famous in a different fandom before I had to leave due to bullying/doxxing. Now my escape is NCT. I find comfort in fandoms— In stories— because I long for a found family trope in my life, or a love so strong that I’m swept off my feet because I’ve never had friends that stick around or a partner before.

So what’s this all gotta do with why I can’t post? Well. Since graduating college, I’ve been living at home with my parents who have always been emotionally and semi-physically abusive— And it’s really not something I like to talk about or complain about because I recognize that in comparison to many other people out there who experience abuse, I’m really not even a victim, so my story shouldn’t take up the space that’s reserved for people who need genuine help. Also because I am privileged with many other things in my life, such as my family’s socioeconomic status and my own savings and income, and my ability to escape my family my traveling as much as I do. So it’s really just. Not fair for me to complain that much. But I still want to explain why this toll is weighing so heavily on me that I can’t write…. My parents got back from a two week trip visiting my brother in college- And to anyone who knows my family, they all know my brother is the favorite, there’s no secret there, it’s just the Jewish way to prefer the son over the daughter, especially when he’s into science and I went into entertainment. During their trip, I fell into a deep depression because I have no friends to hang out with irl, hardly anyone to talk to otherwise, my parents and brother wouldn’t talk to me because they were busy with each other, I realized none of my friends still technically in my circle hadn’t reached out in a long time despite my pleas for help on Discord and Instagram, and I was struggling with my weight again. I didn’t leave my house more than 4 times in those 2 weeks. I woke up, weighed myself, would curse at myself and hit my head on the wall or slap a hairband against my wrist because I was disappointed in not losing weight, skip meals throughout the day, sleep/lay down most of the day, and cry until I would fall asleep. I was so inactive and in so much pain that every time I stood, my head would spin and my eyesight would go dark. When laying down, my legs would go numb because I wasn’t standing enough for the blood flow to work. I was so so so depressed and no one that I reached out to would help. Not even my parents or brother. I actually looked forward to my parents coming home— Which is a shocker considering I usually dread them coming home because of the emotional abuse, but I needed someone around to keep me semi-sane……… Problem was, I forgot to do one chore. My parents leave me to house sit enough for them that I just know what to do now, so they don’t need to leave a list like they did when I was a kid. Clean the floors before the Roombas run on Mondays and Thursdays, take out the trash and recycle on Wednesday nights and bring the bins back in on Thursday afternoons, water my mom’s plants on Mondays, do the dishes, clean the fridge out because there were lots of moldy foods that needed to go, raise and lower the blinds every day, do the laundry- My mom needed me to switch around loads she started before she left and wanted me to make their bed for them, so I did- do the dishes, make fresh iced tea before they get home, etc etc etc. I did all of that. I was so good. Except. My mom had asked me to drop off a box at the post office, and I’d “forgotten”. I’d put it in the car with the intention of taking it, but as my depression got worse, I kept making excuses to not go to the post office, and one day I even drove there but couldn’t convince myself to get out of the car and go inside to stand in line around other people and talk to other people because I knew they would take one look at me and think I’m weird and fat and would judge me for it. It’s so stupid. I know. I should’ve just taken the damn box in. I know. But…. I just fucking didn’t.

So when my parents got home the other night, my mom said they’d spilled hand sanitizer in a bag of food they’d brought home- Thankfully the food was wrapped, but the liquid was everywhereeeeee, so I offered to clean it and help them bring their bags in, because my mom is slightly handicapped and my dad is too old to lift the luggage nowadays. I cleaned their mess, brought the luggage in, and offered to help them with anything else but they told me no… So I sat. And my mom went out to the car for something. And she saw the box. And she came back in and started yelling at me for 20 minutes while I kept apologizing over and over again, but she didn’t care. She told me to shut up and threw the box at my head. I tried to diffuse the tension by going up to my room, but my mom spent the whole night stomping around the house, screaming about how stupid and useless I am, telling my dad that I’m the worst and I do nothing for her. “I’m tired of doing everything and getting nothing in return!” were her exact words at one point as I hid under my bed with the door closed and lights off in the hopes they would forget I even existed. The next morning, I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk to my mom. However, she wanted to act like everything was normal— A usual tactic my mom and dad use. When they yell at me like that or try to hit me (like when I tried to kick a Trump supporter out of our house before I threatened to call 911 if my dad hit me) or even go as far as to hit me, they will pretend like nothing happened the next day and make me and/or my brother out as the bad ones when we don’t go along with it. Well, I wasn’t really impressed with my mom’s behavior when she’d come home, and my depression was only getting worse, so I didn’t feel like acting normal, which has seemingly pissed off my mother because for the past 2 days, she and my father have refused to look at me or talk to me.

I ran out of groceries tonight and because of my grad school application interview, I didn’t feel like making dinner, so I planned on going out with my parents……. My mom ignored me as I waited for them to be done with work so we could get dinner before I needed to do my interview. My brother suddenly called, and my parents were thrilled to talk to him for 20 min while I waited patiently, despite running out of time for dinner. When they got off the phone with my brother, they continued their work meeting (in our living room) at 6:30pm……. They spent that “meeting” bragging about how amazing my brother is, how amazing his friends are, how they’re buying all these gifts for my brother and his friends to celebrate their graduation. I don’t say the following to complain about the gifts themselves, I say it to point out the vibe of my family: When I graduated last year, my parents didn’t get anything for my friends, and they couldn’t even remember any of my friends’ names………. And again, I don’t say this to complain “omg I didn’t get a gift!” like I’m Violet from Willy Wonka, but I didn’t get a gift for graduation. Technically it was my internship in Korea, but they only paid for the flight— WHICH IM FINE WITH!!! I told them I didn’t want anything more!!! It’s just…… They brag so much about my brother and they know so much about his friends and they care so much about his life to buy all these gifts for them… They didnt show that care or interest in my life. Ever. So I got upset, and instead of waiting any longer, I resigned to making a cheese quesadilla for dinner and going to my room to prep for my interview- Which I’m not complaining about the food necessarily, I’m grateful to have food, it’s just that my parents were rude when I told them I was waiting for them and they knew I didn’t have much time. And the cherry on top is that my interview went really really well……… They haven’t asked about it. I came down and sat with them in the living room for a few minutes but then my mom got upset and stomped to her bedroom, slamming the door; and my dad rolled his eyes at me before going to join her.

All of this is small. Likely inconsequential. And I’m just some privileged brat whining on the internet…. and idk how many of you are even reading this far. Most people prob didn’t even open the “read more” part.

But all of this is to say that my underlying depression has gotten progressively worse the past month, hindering my ability to write properly, negatively impacting my ability to escape into my happy place that is NCT. Because of outward factors like my lack of human interaction, lack of friends, and my poor treatment from my family (which really goes much deeper than I expressed in this post lol cuz we didn’t even talk about my sister I went no-contact with lmao) has all made my mental health far worse. Most days I don’t eat or get out of bed. I think about ending my life a fair amount, I’m just too much of a pussy to do it because I don’t want it to be painful… But I’d prob do it and make everyone happy without the weird, useless girl around once I figure out a good way to do it.

I am writing my Johnny book, but not a lot and not to the high quality I expect of myself for posting. I can’t be bothered with smut right now. I don’t have energy for writing anything else. So until I feel better. Or until you see a goodbye message, posting is going to be a little less common……… But my escape these days are your guys’ asks. Whenever I see one come through, I get up to go to my PC or laptop to reply to you guys because it gets my brain thinking and it’s not a long term commitment like a full length fanfic. So please. Don’t be scared off while I take a break from writing for a bit. Please feel free to still send asks because they’re never, ever bothersome to me— They’re incredibly welcomed.

I wish you all the best. Much love. Please take care of yourselves. This isn’t a goodbye or anything like that, so let’s not treat it like one 💚

[amnestria-the-elf]

So I got a... particularly awful version of the Avernus ending the other day. I'm still reeling from it, honestly.

Look, I know it's a game, it's not real, but I get emotionally invested in every character I create. Call me sensitive, call me a snowflake, whatever, you're probably right, but I fucking care what happens to these people and this... hurt. A lot.

This run was a two-person multiplayer with my IRL partner in split screen mode. Wyll chose to become the Blade of Avernus, and I agreed to fight with him. I'd already accepted his proposal, we're deliriously happy, etc etc.

We got to Karlach's scene on the dock post-final battle. My character... was not there. My partner's Tav was running the dialogue, and I wasn't even in the fucking background. Wyll was there, even though he was following me this entire time, but I just fell off the dock, apparently.

Wyll said the "No! Karlach, I'm taking you to Avernus, now!" line, and she said the, "Okay. I'll go. With you, Wyll," line, and they smiled at each other like they're madly in love, and the scene ended.

No acknowledgement of my relationship with Wyll whatsoever. He didn't turn and say, "Hey, you wanna come with? Like we ALREADY AGREED TO??" or "I'll come back for you!" or "I love you!" Nothing. Because my character just wasn't there.

I then had to sit through not one but TWO ending romance scenes for my partner because he romanced both Shadowheart and Halsin.

Then we got the cutscene with Karlach and Wyll entering Avernus together, and the way they fucking looked at each other... JFC. My partner and I both had our mouths hanging open like... so that relationship meant nothing?? You two are in love now?? Cool cool cool cool cool cool.

My Tav arrived at the epilogue party alone (obviously) and the narrator gave a line something to the effect of "You've spent the last six months being celebrated as a hero and shaking hands and kissing babies." Um excuse me no I haven't, I've spent the last six months completely DEVASTATED that the love of my life up and left without so much as a look back! I've been drunk and spiraling this entire time!!! They had to scrape me out of the gutter!

I went to talk to Wyll straightaway, and he said, "It's good to see you, my friend."

My... FRIEND?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Take your fucking acorn back, you prick!

There was no dialogue option to bring up our former relationship, nor was there any option to hug/kiss him. Just the standard "Karlach and I are crushing it in the hells" conversation.

BUT, when I went to leave, he had the AUDACITY to say, "Oh, before you go, I love you. Always have, always will."

Again, my IRL partner and I sat there with our mouths hanging open. So out of character for Wyll! So painfully broken! So jarring and sad!

Karlach rubbed salt in the wound with her, "It's so great to be with someone you love" line. Yeah, I know. You took him. I hate you all. I should have taken the Crown for myself, you bitches.

*deep, calming breath*

So I *think* the reason this happened is because my partner was Player 1 and I was Player 2. Karlach was following him and Wyll was following me. We tried loading our save right before we defeated the Netherbrain to tweak who was following who, but you apparently can only change active party members, and neither of us wanted to go back to pre-final battle and do the whole thing over again. I'll just make sure I have both Wyll and Karlach following me for our next run (that or I'll never do the fucking Avernus ending ever again, because it sucks and I hate it.)

But I really think there should have been some kind of failsafe mechanism in the multiplayer coding that ensured that a partnered Tav (for either Wyll or Karlach) would be involved in the conversation with Karlach at the docks. It would have been completely different if I had chosen not to go with them, but having it forced on me like the relationship didn't exist was so frustrating. Combined with the heavy implication that Wyll and Karlach are now together... like first of all, OUCH, and second of all, that's pretty out of character for both of them.

I don't really know what else to say other than I was very sad about it, and it's certainly fodder for an angsty-as-fuck fic, but mostly I just think I'm the victim of a corner case that Larian didn't plan for. It happens, and it sucks.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

This is a personal post about boarding school experience and its later effects in life. It will be under keep reading so anyone can scroll over it if they don't want to read it. It's mostly for me and the need to express the thoughts I've been having and I need an outlet for that.

I've been reading once again about boarding school syndrome all day since this morning. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why I feel the need to go back to all that as if to check if all the damage is still there. Or like a way to pity myself and then to hate it for feeling sorry for myself once again. It's a cycle. I must have remembered something last night before falling asleep because I found myself today at 10 am reading a research paper on it and then looking up testimonials in reddit.

But the thing is, most of the research is done on English boarding schools and as much as the overall experience is similar, there are so many nuances in the differences that exist.

I vividly remember looking out the window and watching my parents get in the car and leave. It was Sunday evening and they had the car parked on a smaller street in downtown where I was left to stay. The next day was the first day of school and I was 11, starting 5th grade.

I read that in cases of children going to boarding school, a lot of them remember in detail the moment the separation took place. And it's true even if it's been almost 20 years since then. That's when my stomach issues began. Of course the cause was emotional stress, but that didn't stop from going to medical clinics weekly to do full check ups when any adult should have realized that I was just homesick. The year after, I began to feel nausea each Monday morning. I used to beg my parents to postpone my return as much as possible so I would only leave home on Monday and arrive an hour before classes would start. For five years I went to school in the afternoon. The nausea became a constant. I would complain on that day, hoping my mother would tell me that I don't have to go to school. But I couldn't understand at that time that my mother was emotionally unavailable and had no idea how to deal with her daughter's real needs.

But I kept going and as years went by, I got used to it and it felt easier by the time I finished high school. When I was already in college, I had forgotten half of my experience and I would gloss over what happened. I would act proud of how fast I had become independent, without needing any help, as if that was a good thing.

Of course that at some point I slowly started to realize that not everything went that well, but either way, that perhaps it was worth the sacrifice if I manage to do something well professionally. Eight years of boarding school meant sacrifices and financial investment. For me to go to the most prestigious middle school (I had to take an English exam for 5th grade, that was unheard of at that time in any other school!), then to the most prestigious high school to receive the best grades which would help to get into the most prestigious university so I can study exactly what I want because by then I found my passion. And I was encouraged. So I worked for it for more than a decade because all the pain had to have been worth it. Yes, parts of life sucks, but perhaps a uni position while I teach and research would compensate for it. But it never did and that entire plan fell to pieces because life doesn't work how I wanted to.

So was all that worth it in the end? Absolutely not.

For years I would think and say that I never suffered bullying in school because my colleagues were nice and for the most part, I had nice experiences. And that's still true. While at the same time forgetting that I also had that other life in boarding school where 17-18 year girls found abuse a form of entertainment.

Bullying is such a common occurence but it gets worse in boarding school because you can't get to any space that feels safe. You can't get home to your own room and to your own parents who might notice something and intervene. In boarding school you have to sleep in the same room and next to the same bed as your abusers. You take showers next to them, hoping that nothing happens. It's living in constant fear.

All my emotional mechanisms have developed during those years, especially between the ages of 11-13. I quickly learned to avoid any type of conflict because that would mess up whatever aparent peace that existed from time to time. I learned that speaking up and telling the adults responsible meant that I was in more danger.

As adults, those who went through the boarding school experience have trouble maintaining relationships. We become self sufficient because we had to. There was no help so we learned to take care of ourselves. Consequently, we don't need other people, especially if we know they will eventually abandon us. Of course attempts are made because it's in our nature. I've lost friendships because rather than making myself heard and to be an active participant in a relationship, I distanced myself. It's easier than to speak because there's a risk that the other person would certainly decide to break the friendship. Avoid conflict at all costs, even it rots everything from the inside. I'm still actively doing this.

When I told my therapist about these experiences (which I don't think I'll talk about in detail here), she used the word trauma. To this day, I have a hard time accepting it. Because deep down I still don't believe that my experience was that bad to be labeled that way. It's not real trauma if nothing really actually "bad" happens.

It's only bad enough that it infiltrated and influenced all aspects of my entire life. From personal relationships to professional. The latter I used to think it was independent and untouchable of all the things I had going on personally. But of course to realize as an adult that the need for perfection, the impostor syndrome, all are a result of never feeling good enough which stems from the initial abandonment.

I find it hard to accept that some decisions taken 20 years ago without me having any real say in it (I was asked and I said yes because my parents know best) and the consequent experiences that I had to go through have negatively influenced my entire life. For many years I never looked at aspects of my life, thinking that something is not well and should be investigated. I was busy in my 20s with other thoughts without realizing the root cause of why I was doing some things. But by the time that decade was over, it's like everything is crashing down. Piece by piece. Every single aspect of my life had been fucked by that thing my therapist calls trauma.

[equixen]

Happy Second Narnia Anniversary To Me!

Wow! It feels like only yesterday I was posting about my first full year in the Caspeter/Narnia fandom and here I am, having now spent another year with you all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I might post to commemorate my second year in the fandom—if anything—and interestingly, it was actually a conversation with my Mum that gave me the answer.

She was asking why I was so excited about having been in the Narnia fandom for two years when I could be celebrating the twenty odd years that I’ve loved the TV show, Xena: Warrior Princess, my very first fandom. And my answer was that it wasn’t just the length of time I’ve been in the Narnia fandom that I was celebrating but also the quality of time I’ve spent in this fandom.

Of course, Xena will always be so special to me for many reasons. The show was such a big part of my life back then and it was the first piece of media that got me into fandom life (at least 23 years ago now). It also got me through a REALLY tough stage of my life as I was getting to the end of my schooling. It was my first foray into reading fanfic (and even writing one solitary fanfic myself for a school assignment) and discovering the magic of fanvids before I went on to making my own. Xena and Gabrielle were my first ship that I became that emotionally invested in and I still adore them to this day. It was also the only fandom where I had the good fortune of meeting fellow Xena fans in my own city, all of whom became really good friends. We had regular catchups to watch episodes together and even travelled to USA together to attend a Xena convention and meet the actors.

It would definitely not be an exaggeration to say the Xena fandom was my life for several years. But, as with all things, it didn’t last forever and I eventually moved onto other fandoms. And there have been a LOT of fandoms over the last 23 years. All for varying lengths of time and with varying degrees of involvement. Some where I was more of a lurker and simply read fic and watched fanvids by other editors and others where I actually made and shared my own fanvids. And only a few where I was brave enough to put myself out there a bit more and get to know other fans and make some friends. Fandom highlights since Xena include Smallville, Doctor Who, Queer As Folk (US 2000 version), BBC Sherlock, the MCU (mainly Captain America but I loved the entire world) and Supernatural.

But with Narnia, it's been different in a lot of ways.  

It's the longest I've been continuously involved in a single fandom in a long time. It's the first fandom in more than ten years—I think—where I've been inspired to come out of lurkdom and engage with other fans again and I’ve made some really wonderful friends as a result. I've also been significantly more inspired in the Narnia fandom than any other fandom EVER. In that I recently passed the milestone of having made more fanvids for Narnia than any other fandom (12 for Narnia vs my previous record of 9 which I achieved for both Doctor Who and Queer as Folk). AND Narnia is the first and only fandom to inspire me to write my own fanfic since that one attempt for Xena twenty years ago. Also, while it’s not official because I haven’t yet posted my latest fanfic (it’s still a WIP), I can now say I’ve written more than 100,000 words for Caspeter across all my fanfics combined. For someone who, a mere two years ago, thought I’d never write fanfic again, this actually blows my mind and I am so very proud of this fact.

So yeah, my life has been so enriched by this fandom in sooo many ways—something that I’ll always be grateful for—and that’s the reason why I’m acknowledging another year in this fandom.

And whether you are someone who has simply enjoyed my work in passing or someone who has now become a close friend (you know who you are) or somewhere in between, I thank all of you for being part of my Caspeter/Narnia journey for the last two years and for helping to share the Caspeter and Narnia love with me/us. This fandom is the best and, with many more Caspeter and Narnia projects in the works, I can’t wait to see what the next twelve months bring.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s1 episode 13 "beyond the sea" thoughts

A SCULLY EPISODE!!!! i was overjoyed and then i felt deep and immeasurable grief as the minutes went by.

she wants to leave her christmas tree up all year <3 she's a good cook <3 her dad calls her starbuck <3

but her dad is being avoidant! he didn't even say i love you when he left!

! dana scully lore reveal ! her dad lowkey sucks!!!

and then he IMMEDIATELY DIED right after! that is sick and twisted. why do they make my girl endure such pain.

the next note i made for the episode was "omg windows you have to crank!" which was a brief moment of levity among the Sorrow. except even the guy doing the said window cranking was kidnapped right after. still, the novelty of it all!

when scully came into work even though her dad had just died... we see mulder call her "dana" for the first time... she was visibly taken aback by this... and mumbled her name back to herself... my heart was melting out of my body

and when i thought i was going to already collapse from the "dana" moment, he tells her she should take some time for herself and then. softly cups her cheek. and strokes it with his thumb. holy fuck i nearly sobbed. it was the softest thing i have ever seen. what the hell man.

he has this instinctive need to touch her. to use his touch to keep her safe or bring her comfort. it will be psychoanalyzed at a later date from me but for now, know i am noticing the motifs.

(also, when he finally left his office, we see that he kept the hat from the alien obsessed guy in episode 10... good to know this is a man who takes souvenirs. take him to the zoo and see what he comes back with)

so then we cutscene to her dad's funeral and we learn that her father was in the navy- perhaps this is why he is unduly harsh. and then we got ANOTHER scene that beat my heart into a pulp: scully turning to her mom and asking "was he proud of me?" her mom waits for a beat and says "he was your father". HEY! THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!

(who wouldn't be proud of scully? i'm taking names. write them down)

when interrogating the death row psychic mulder once again said "i want to believe" and i once again wrote in my episode notes "HE SAID THE LINE!"

interesting that this is an episode where scully believes and mulder doesn't, almost immediately from the beginning of the episode. but the psychic says stuff her dad would say and therefore she gets emotionally invested even though mulder says it's nonsense, and that this guy is setting them a trap because mulder got him put on death row. and when she listens to the psychic's clue and find evidence at an abandoned warehouse, mulder yells at her for putting herself in danger. to which she said:

"i thought you'd be pleased i opened myself to extreme possibilities"

scully i am REACHING through the screen and telling you i'm proud of you in case no one ever did that before

(and MAYBE mulder yelling at her for putting herself in danger because he thinks he needs to protect her WAS deeply satisfying but still. read the room my king)

(also revealed in this scene: mulder is a jimi hendrix fan. i am tucking this knowledge in my pocket and storing it safely)

then the psychic decided to reveal some of her personal memories and we learn she stole a cigarette when she was 14 and she thought it was disgusting but she wanting to do something they would disapprove of. and she was so scared but so excited. are you kidding me? are you absolutely kidding me. the need to rebel from an assigned role in which she feels she MUST be perfect has haunted her from a young age, and when she finally did something her parents really disprove of- joined the FBI instead of working as a doctor- she's met with rejection. so now we know she's had this terrible need to do what pleases those she loves and to break that is a rush from its inherent moral Wrongness. the isolation of being the Good Child who does what She's Told vs. the isolation of being the Less Good Child who loses their parent's approval. that terrible ache of knowing you once pleased them and now you don't. the conditional nature of affection. ohhhhh good lord.

later mulder gets shot and scully thinks the psychic lured him into a trap which leads to her screaming at him (like SERIOUSLY screaming) that if mulder dies, she'll kill the psychic herself. now this was especially crazy because we have only at this point seen her yell once before which was in episode 8, but this was 10x that intensity. also wild for revealing that she will kill anyone who hurts mulder. once again i say holy FUCK.

mulder is wheeled in to the hospital and still telling her not to believe him, says that he's luring her into another trap. at this point i was yelling "TELL MULDER HE KNEW ABOUT YOUR DAD!" but she was too deep in the grief to bring it up

(throughout the entire episode she is hallucinating her dad in places he isn't, which is arguably far more impactful than just seeing her cry)

when the psychic reveals the location of the murderer and they go to check it out, scully straight up shoots the suspect. she is NOT playing around, y'all. i think this is the first time we see her shoot someone, which is already a lot to unpack. but then she doesn't follow the killer because the psychic had warned her against it and in this way he saves her life.

then she says thank you to the psychic, who says "come to my execution and i'll give your father's message to you" and she DOESN'T GO. mulder asks her why, because now he seems to think that psychic dude really WAS telling the truth, and she no longer does:

"why can't you believe?" "because i'm scared"

she's scared!! she's scared to believe. she's scared to know what is out there and she seemed scared to know what her father had to say. isn't there enough uncertainty in this world ruled by facts and science? what could the possibilities be like beyond that? why believe in what you cannot control? she says she knew what he would say because "he's my father". is that enough for her? or was she too frightened to hear that he wasn't proud of her?

overall i've said "holy fuck" like a LOT during this recap and i truly feel that those are the only words i have for the situation. getting to see more scully lore was EXACTLY what i was hoping for and i'm so pleased but also so so so sad. like she keeps her christmas tree up and she's a good cook and she has this terrible need for her father's approval that he won't give and then he goes and dies. i need about 10 beach episodes to make up for the sadness here. chris carter i'm in ur walls.

[glux2]

Musing: Emotional connection

Recently a very close person to me suggested i binge watch "Angel Hare", before that day my only exposure to that project was a fan game that had a very funny punchline in lampooning the "cursed videogame" genre.

So i watched the whole thing and it was great.

This scene right here made me feel more feelings than most of the media i have watched/played/read in like the last 5 years or so.

So it made my mind wonder, like, "hold on, when was the last time i felt this strongly about a piece of entertainment?"

Sure, if you know me, i felt strongly about the ongoing plotline for Noelle on Deltarune, so one would think "2021 when chapter two came out", right? but no, i got very invested but it wasn't it.

The last time i felt so strongly about a piece of media was actually Deltarune's predecesor, Undertale in 2015.

I finished Undertale in tears, i got in a very bad funk when i found out about the genocide ending, it truly made me feel emotions.

So i began to ponder, just what really moves me?

Full disclosure: I don't cry at movies. This is not a "look at me i am a badass who is not beheld by feelings" statement, no, i kinda just dont connect emotionally with movies as easily as other people.

I have talked about this, many times actually, Toy Story 3 did not make me cry, it always bothers me how people at the time were like "if TS3 didn't make you cry, you have no soul" and shit like that, so let me repeat something i have said many times before:

Toy Story 3 was a movie i went to see the day doctors had informed me my mother had entered terminal phase of cancer.

My friends took me to see TS3 when i felt the greatest sadness i have ever felt in my entire life. And im glad TS3 was a pretty funny movie that managed to distract me from what i was going through. TS3 uplifted me when i had a very real reason to cry.

So what im getting at is, i rarely connect emotionally with what conventionally makes people emotionally connected, not that i havent felt strong emotions from movies, but as we'll get to later, it's just not the stuff you would expect, when we get back to movies you'll be thinking, "what the fuck, Toy story 3 did not make you emotional but THIS THING DID?!"

So, if traditional "emotional things" rarely have moved me i began to think to myself, "what are things that have made me feel this strongly?"

I realized it's the damn weirdest things.

I'll try to list things that i can remember making me feel this emotional.

Now i'll be upfront, im not a very cultured person, so you'll notice most of this is...not very high brow.

Also, obviously spoilers for all this stuff im about to talk about.

Before we begin: Honorable mention goes to me finding out i had repressed memories of being traumatized as a kid by being show an animated adaptation of "Pilgrim's progress" by an aunt, which disturbed me greatly towards the end as the main character dies and before it the souls of two people he met are condemned to eternal damnation from making MISTAKES, not sins, not evil, but THE FUCKING MISTAKE of exploring alternate routes before them.

-Yoshi's Island, 1994 When i was a wee one Yoshi was one of my fave videogame characters, so of course i was beyond hype when a game where you play as yoshi came out, the ending is one of the greatest moments in videogame history, the beautiful music, the journey of the stork, and finally the classic Mario fan fare playing as baby mario and baby luigi being held by their parents with the words "Heroes are born", it's such a powerful moment. To this day i still cannot listen to that credits music without tearing up.

Sequel? Retcon?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, SHUT UP, THIS IS THE PERFECT ENDING AND NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AFTER IT!

-The bicentennial man, 1999 The bicentennial man is one of the biggest examples of a movie being fucking mischaracterized in the marketing, this movie is based on Isaac Asimov's short story and later novel, it stars Robin Williams, so all marketing was presenting the movie as Robin Williams comedy movie, IT. IS. NOT. The bicentennial man is a scifi drama about the existential search for meaning and the nature of what truly is to be alive. You get invested on the quest of this robot trying to find humanity for 200 years, and the punchline to this movie is, in his quest for humanity he forgoes the immortality being a machine provides him as he had developed the way to turn himself biological, still artificial but biological, and he dies peacefully on his sleep before he can be told that humanity had declared him, legally, a human being. To me it was such a powerful moment, he found true meaning to his life, became human, yet died before knowing so.

-Courage the cowardly dog, "The Mask", 2002 This is a legendary episode of an already great show that has a lot of very good emotional moments, some may cite episodes like "the giving tree" or "the last star maker", but for me it's this one. For those who have never experienced this episode, it revolves around a cat girl named Kitty who one day shows up at Courage's farm and she's wearing an upsetting mask, she abuses courage because she believes all dogs are bad. The mask serves 2 purposes, one is metaphorical, "her inability to face reality", the second is to hide her identity as she believes she is in danger. The thing is, she is on the run because her lover best friend Bunny is trapped in an abusive relationship with a gangster dog who threatened to kill her if she was seen near Bunny ever again, the episode coats the whole situation with a ton of goofiness, but it's actually very fucking dark: A young lesbian is trapped against her will on an abusive relationship with a toxic, violent man who threatened to kill her girlfriend if she refused to date him. Courage, being a good little dog ventures to save Bunny and have her reunite with Kitty because, despite how bad Kitty was to him, he recognizes that Kitty is a victim and she and Bunny deserve better, leading to Courage letting them escape away together, to live happy and free. I don't think it's just me, but the final image of Kitty and Bunny hugging as the train takes them to freedom felt so powerful to me.

-Twisted Metal Head-on, 2002 This is one of the weirdest things i have ever gotten emotionally invested, but honestly? i love when some shitposting franchise suddenly manages to pull this off, specially given the set up for this whole thing im going to describe starts in an early game as a fucking joke. So to contextualize this, the first two Twisted metal games were helmed by the og creators of the franchise, TM 3, 4 and small brawl were made by different developers when the creators lost the rights, but during the PS2 era when the og developers came back and created TM: Black, and TM: Head-on, Black was a reboot, Head-on was a retcon sequel to TM 2 that eliminated TM3 from the timeline, but not TM 4. Still with me? Okay so TM2 had this character, Krista Sparks, who was the revealed to be the daughter of the main antagonist of the game, Calypso, but hold on? wasn't Calypso's backstory that his family died in a tragic accident which lead him to become evil? So turns out, the FBI retrieved his daughter's corpse, turned it into a robot with a bomb with the intend to make her get close to Calypso and blow him up. The ending ends comically with a message reading "The FBI wishes to thank you for putting an end to Twisted metal". Stil Still with me?!?!?! ok! so Head on! In this game Krista is back, as a ghost, her ending consists on her confronting her dad, who has now brought up so much pain, misery and death to the world, Calypso tries to explain that the nature of his powers mean he has to do this otherwise he cannot use his powers, and his plan was for Krista to win so he could bring her back and her mom to life, but Krista is so horrified with what has happened that she refuses and blurts "I wish the accident that killed me and mom never happened" the intention being impeding Calypso from becoming this evil super natural villian, but as per all endings, it's always a monkey paw affair and Calypso knows it, looking saddened he grants the wish because he has no option, his powers force him to. Briefly Krista has a vision of her childhood with her dad before he became evil as they share a sweet moment playing on a swing set. HARD CUT TO A HOSPITAL, Krista is on a bed in coma, Calypso is there and whispers to her something along the lines of "Sleep tight my dear, may you finally find peace", as Calypso is leaving the hospital you can hear 2 doctors talking, mentioning that Krista had been in coma for more than a decade and apparently Calypso just had found out. Excuse me Twisted Metal, but WHAT THE FUCK? You are a dumb fucking edgy car combat game, how dare you make me feel these things?

-Mother 3, 2006 (translation on 2008) Mother 3 hopefully needs no introduction, or maybe it does, because many people have reduced it to a joke due to how nintendo stubbornly refuses to give us an official release, but also many of you must know this franchise is the spark that ignited the flame of the absolute Juggernaut Undertale would become, as well as many other games influenced by it. The Mother/Earthbound games were known for being quirky and deviating from the standard conventions of the game, notably for the modern day setting and unorthodox choices of how you deal with the villians, they were always billed as emotional, but i feel they did not live up to that...until 3. The general narrative to Mother 3 is about how greed is destroying the world, the main villian corrupting what we see of the world (a paradise little town where everybody is nice) by introducing luxury, money and status....and also stomping everything with his fascist army and cyborg mutants. Mother 3 is a game about how the worst traits of humanity are destroying the world and upsetting nature. Mother 3 is also the story of 2 twin brothers who suffer tragedy after tragedy after tragedy that ultimately pits them one against the other with the fate of the world at stake. Mother 3 punches you almost immediately by killing the mother character (which i might mention you're encouraged to name after your own mother) at the end of the first chapter and how this affects her surviving family. one of the Twins, Claus, is so disturbed that he decides to on on his own to try to kill the monster that took his mom, while the other, Lucas, was too afraid and weak to stop his brother, resulting on Claus dying as well...but the badguys take his corpse and reanimate it into a cold, emotionless cyborg who follow's the big bad's order and is using him to try to cause the end of the world. In the climax of the story Lucas is force to confront Claus, clause is a brain washed cyborg, his master is out of the picture and all he can do is fight, you can't reason with him...and then.... Lucas and Claus begin to hear a voice, a familiar voice, it's their mother, reaching for them from beyond the grave, pleading for them to stop fighting, suddenly Lucas and Claus both have a flash back to when they were babies, overhearing their parents talk about the hopes they have for them, the many things they will be able to achieve together, this makes Clause snap out of his brain washing, removing the helmet that had been hiding his face since he was resurrected, Lucas and him have a moment as they are finally reunited, Claus realizes all the bad things he has done while under control of the bad guy and realizes he must atone for his crimes, he prepares a lightning attack he knows cannot hurt Lucas and cause HIM to die. "Im sorry for all the problems i caused" he says as he is dying on his dad's arm, "I must go to where mom is now", as he passes away he can hear his mother calling for him, "You just be so tired" she says. Now i know it will sound insane for people to hear a videogame of all things can make one so emotional, but damn, just recollecting these scenes for this dumb post has made me start to cry, the emotional punch of this scene is very strong, it demolished me when i played the game back in the day, but now? After my own mother passed away? I have been scared of playing this game again. I mot sure if im emotionally prepare to go though that again, even 10+ years later. That's how powerful this scene was to me.

-Elite Beat Agents, 2007 If you have played this game, you know were im going, for those who dont, EBA is a silly rhythm game about secret agent cheer leaders that are dispatched around the world to help people in need by raising their spirit and allow them to overcome adversity, the game is insanely wacky and have scenarios like helping a ninja car salesman prevent a company from stealing his company's secrets, helping a washed up baseball star fight a lava spitting golem rampaging on an amusement park and traveling back in time to help davinci paint the mona lisa. EBA is also the second game in the Ouendan series, and there is something you need to know about this series: They all include tearjerker levels to contrast with all the goofiness. "A christmas Wish" is a christmas themed level set to Chicago's "You are the inspiration" and the story to this level is positively DEVASTATING: A few months before christmas a business man tells his daughter and wife he has to go on a business trip but he promises he'll be back just in time for christmas, the girl asks him to bring back a "girlfriend" for her teddy bear. The father dies on a plane crash. When the mother breaks the news to the little girl she gets angry, crying to the skies that her dad promised he would be back for christmas. The backdrop of the stage is set the girl and the mom doing things to remember the dad, like looking through a photo album and baking a cake for his birthday, it's very sweet, but...this is EBA, if you're doing poorly you see the "bad" versions of these scenes, and in this one, one is very devastating, the little girl is having a dream where she's chasing the spirit of her dad, if you're doing well she calls for him and for a brief moment the dad stops and starts turning towards her, if you're doing bad the spirit fades away and the girl wakes up in tears. Dear goodness. But of course, if you beat the level you get this sequence of the ghost of the dad showing up on chrismas morning to fullfil his promise, giving the little girl the teddy bear he promised and having the chance to say good bye to his family.

This punches you really fucking hard in the gut. I am incapable of doing this level without ending in tears. For a time i could not even listen to this song without tearing up until, i shit you now, the deadpool movie used it on a comedy scene.

-Punch out!!, 2009 This one is one i know got me because of personal nostalgia, when i was a wee one the og NES punch out was a big part of my childhood, Punch Out!! on the wii was a masterfully crafted tribute to the franchise. To not dwell too much time on this, this game has an interesting quirk, the ending is a downer ending and it's the only ending you can get. After you beat the last opponent there is a sequence where Mac and Doc seemingly are having a disagreement, where Mac seemingly has decided that if he loses 3 times, he'll retire from boxing completely. After this you face randomly opponents from the game, the first time you lose in this mode you lose your champion title, after three loses, it's game over and the story mode becomes locked for that save file. The final cutscene is Doc walking through what seems to be a gallery with boxing memorabilia, and untold number of years later, he is alone, he spots his old bike on this gallery and rings the bell, he looks up and speak to an absent Mac, "Good job son, good job", as he leaves the camera pans to reveal he was looking at a framed photo of him and Mac on one of their training sessions. The music on this sequence is so perfect, and it was aimed at people like me, people who grew up with the franchise, the idea was making it feel like Doc was reminiscing of YOUR time with punch out when you were a kid, and to make you think about how far YOU have come since the first time you played the games in an arcade, or your nes, or snes. It's actually pretty effective and it got me.

-Regular Show, "Trucker Hall of Fame", 2012 What makes this one different from others instances of me making me emotional, it's, much like the "Angel Hare" example at the top, this one is all about WARM HAPPY FEELINGS, so for those who did not watch this episode, let me summarize it for you: One day Muscleman gets word that his dad, who was his personal hero, has passed away, and he's tasked with carrying his final wish, spread his [hat's] ashes in a place called "Trucker hall of fame", you see, Muscleman was lead to believe his dad was a legendary trucker and that earned him his admiration, but during the episode Muscleman finds out he was lied to, his dad was a forklift driver that the truckers belittled, altho feeling cheated for having been lied to he carries on with his father's wishes. Now because this is regular show, when they arrive at the trucker's hall of fame they are immediately attacked by ghost trucker for "desecrating the hall of fame" as they spread the ashes something happens: The ghost of Muscleman's dad manifests himself and saves his son, taking the chance to apologize to his son and having the chance to say his final good bye personally. Despite the inherent silliness of the show's premise, i think this episode really did a good job on expressing that sense of catharsis of making peace with the passing of a love one.

-The Final Girls, 2015 A friend suggested we watched this movie, and much like Twisted metal up there, i absolutely did not expect for this incredibly stupid comedy horror movie to hit me with any sort of emotional connection, and yet... The Final Girls opens with the main character in a car with her mom, who is an struggling C-tier actress whose biggest achievement ever was appearing on a Friday the 13th knock off movie, during this sequence they get in an accident where the mom dies and even after it's been some time since the accident the main character has not properly moved on from the passing of her mom. Her friends and some people at the college she attends are preparing this horror movie festival where the main event is they are going to play the movies from the franchise her mom was on, and they suggest she should come. Then some bullshit happens and they all end up somehow trapped in the world of the movie. A quick rundown of the rules of horror movies is explained to them, the monster cannot be defeated by fighting it, it's only the final girl who can defeat the killer, and unfortunately for them they accidentally killed the character that, in the canon of the movie, is the final girl, so they believe one of them has to become the final girl and end the movie to hopefully get out of it. The problem is, the main character is experimenting shock from interacting with her mom's character, she is not taking well to seeing her mom on the flesh and she dedicates the entire movie to "save her mom", in the climax of the movie the mom character begins to understand that she is a fictional character and the nature of her attachment to the main character, understanding that they cannot be both the final girl and if then main character wants to make it back to the real world she has to learn "To let go", choosing to sacrifice herself so there is only one final girl. It's kinda weird, that of all possible premises, this managed to make a "You need to move on" message that somehow managed to resonate with me, you might have figured out by now a running theme here, but, i was really hard for me to deal with my mother's passing even if it's been years since it happened, so it's kinda funny for me to think these are the places i have found comfort from.

-Undertale, 2015 Okay this is tumblr, i already talked about Undertale on the prologue to, whatever the fuck im doing here, you know what undertale is, you know how effective it is, Undertale is really well designed for you to grow emotionally attached to these characters, so being able to see all these characters you know have grown attached to have their happy ending on the pacifist ending does fill one with a very satisfactory warm happy feeling that can move you to tears. ...Or you can be bummed out by being a little greedy gaming bitch and taking a look at the bad ending. Because you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

-Onward, 2020 This movie did not hit me as hard as the most emotional entries on this, but it still got me, because in the end of the day the main motivation of the characters on this movie is experiencing closure, catharsis over the death of their father, for Ian it's the fact that he died before he was born so he never met him and is driven by this desire to finally see the father who he shares such a connection with on the stories everybody who knew him in life have told him, and then there is Barley, the elder brother, who did know his dad in life, but is tortured by how, as a kid, he did not properly say good bye to him because he was terrified of death and avoided being there for him in his final days. The ending for this movie is very powerful, Ian choosing to sacrifice being able to meet his dad in the flesh, even for a few minutes, in order to give Barley the chance to being able to properly make peace with his dad and properly say good bye to him. Ian doesn't even get to SEE this, he does not get to see his dad even tho it was what he wanted most of all, but he understood bringing closure to Barley was more important than his selfish desire to see his dad, someone he never knew in life.

So what have i learned from whatever the hell this trainwreck of a post is...i guess that what really gets to me, what really moves me, is when a character, maybe not even someone i can realistically relate to, gets to experience closure, catharsis and be in peace with the people who are missing on their life. The majority of these things in here, even the Angel Hare example, relate to a character being able to experience catharsis by being able to properly make pace or otherwise contact someone they lost, or their ability to move on from this world, so to speak, knowing that their affairs and in order and that their loved ones will be okay.

Things can always look dark, the world may be trying to keep you down, maybe losing someone has been specially hard for you, but it's not the end of the world, you are loved and things can get better, it always hurts and we'll never stop missing what we have lost, but the memories of happier times are there to remind us, we can be happy again, and we can move on, use those memories as your motivation, you can lead yourself to a future filled with light.

[thesirencult]

BRINGING DOWN OTHERS IS LOW VALUE

Today I had the joy of getting a message from a nice young lady who wanted to thank me for my advice and sweetly asked me if I wanted to be friends with her ❤️

This made me understand that having a platform may be a way to share our individual opinions but we should have in mind that, especially on Tumblr, many people come across our content and we have responsibility to correctly and ethically influence them by adding value to their lives.

So, I want to thank every single one of you for following me and sending sweet messages. All 1,205 of you. We are a small corner on the internet and I don't care about appearing "mysterious" and "unapproachable" to my digital friends.

If you have a question/a content suggestion or just want to say "Hi!" don't be shy and use my AMA or private messages. I'll try to answer to all of you.

Also, thank you for being patient with me as I'm finishing up with this exam season and have not posted anything in the past few days. A few of you reached out for tarot readings and a birth chart analysis and we got even closer, so thank you for trusting me with your time, money, hopes and wishes!

I asked the young lady if she wanted me to write a post about something specific or if she had any content suggestions. She told me that she wanted my opinion on "pick-me" girls who bring other women down. She added that it would be interesting to "know how do this girls think". Your wish is my command young lady!

Shall we start ?

After you queens... 👑

Have you noticed something? People who are high value and successful are always eager to extend their hand to other people full of passion and ambition. They become mentors and leaders for other women and men. They set the standard by example. Usually these people are kind hearted, yet know how and when to set boundaries.

All in all, they don't bring other people down, they build them up.

This women and men build ladders for others to climb at the top with them but they know, they have to protect themselves and their loved ones from vultures, because someone can bring you down even if you are thousand meters above them. They just have to pull the rug underneath your feet.

Someone who is high, won't try to lower someone else's value. Someone who is low is not accustomed to the loneliness of the top. They want to surround themselves with other low value individuals to feel powerful. That's the pack mentality and that's why mean girls/boys hang in crowds.

We all had that "friend". She was insecure but always downplayed. She was always jealous of other people and you could see it but you never thought she was jealous of you. Why would she be? When you talked about your crush/business idea/ambitions it was always : "Ew he is ugly.", "Who are you Elon Musk?", "A law degree? You don't even know how to think critically.".

That friend and you fell apart when you started investing in yourself, and that's when the veil fell off and you saw other girls like that.

The pick-me girls.

A couple days ago, I had a "History Of Economic Thought" exam (It's a very interesting topic to research and if a similar class is available to you, I suggest that you take it!). It was the last one I had to take in person.

I felt awful, anxious and tired. Two weeks of hard work, studying everyday, staying up till light came through the blinds and commuting two hours back and forth to and from school had made me emotionally and mentally tired. I needed some loving from my cat Mr. Mau and a toffee nut latte.

I did my 10k steps by the sea and decided to open up Pinterest and make myself feel a bit better. I searched up "fall aesthetic", "studying aesthetic", "toffee nut latte from Starbucks" etc.

Under a pin there was this comment by a girl calling all women who are "obsessed" with fall, Starbucks and cute photos of pumpkins, "silly a** basic white b*tches".

I then went on TikTok and came across a video of a woman who was being shamed for having a 35k engagement ring (you know which one I'm talking about, the one her man, an amazing king ate the interviewer up and left no crumbs). A woman had commented "she is a gold digger and when he cheats on her with a good woman she'll get what she deserves".

Excuse me what ? So a good woman is one who tries to please others by accepting less than she deserves. I'm not one who would want a 35k engagement ring, buy me a 3k one and 32k of gold for investment purposes, but if her men believed she deserved that, then so be it.

Why are you trying to get picked? Do you think men marry the good girl? Do you think any man who will only see you as an innocent, precious lovely angel will be able to take all of you?

These women are playing a dangerous game. They so badly want to get picked and mostly they get picked but for all the wrong reasons. They love how guys on podcasts praise them online for being "feminine". They love the attention of boys who find them cool.

Sweetheart, you need a man who will find your rage and your sweetness sacred.

You need parents who will understand that you have your own dreams, needs and that you are not just an extension of their egos.

These women and the so-called "good guys" (uhh don't let me get started on those") are sad inside. They would love to have your own wildness and freedom. They feel jealous that you are still that magical bitch holding your pumpkin spice latte with a fresh new set and while doing kick boxing on Wednesday afternoon.

Girls, watch some Legally Blonde. It's the literal blueprint 😉 It made me come to terms with my girly nature as a girl who grew up a tomboy.

You don't have to be just bubbly and feminine. You don't have to be just a dark feminine, femme fatale. You can be all of those things because we are multilayered beings. Lastly, we have the gift of metamorphosis. Don't be afraid to transform and break the mold.

[yeyinde]

Haha, I also spoil myself intentionally, but for the plot of movies, tv shows, and games I’m not super invested in. If I accidentally spoil myself (especially if I learn a character dies) I’ll cope by telling myself “I don’t know how/when it happened though”

Anyways Major Character Death!!

I’m SO disappointed in them killing off Soap and especially in how they did it! No buildup or anything! To me it was disrespectful to the character and to Neil Ellice. And then the 141 don’t even say anything and it cuts to them spreading his ashes with a simple goodbye! They could have at least made them a little more upset 🥲 also I hate how abruptly the game ended. Makarov gets away, but no mention to that at the end.

I had also initially requested what would become infinity in the palm of your hand (eternity in an hour) as a way to “cope” with 2009 Soap’s death because it’s always been on the back of my mind for years (weird, I know). But now after playing the new MW3 campaign I look like boo boo the fool because of who went and got killed off 😭 now every time I go back to reread it, it will be painful knowing what’s in store for reader for their current reincarnation of Soap.

Tldr I’m kinda not okay with MW3.

From what I've seen, it feels like they pulled it out of a hat. All names went in, but his (amongst others) came out. And I guess it's safe because he died in the OG, so the backlash can easily be deflected from within their own community when other fans come to their defence over this choice. But idk.

I agree with everything you said. It doesn't make any sense. It's jarring and misplaced, and canonically pointless. I'm not against character death. Grief is a powerful thing. But I just hate when it's so contrived and needless. It was definitely done for shock value over plot/character growth and I think they were trying to re-create the massive storm that happened when OG Soap died because they know they don't have much else going for them. It just massively missed the mark because: a) Price and Gaz had no tangible in-game relationship with Soap the same way Ghost did; and b) what does his death really amount to in the end? Nothing. It feels cobbled together and poorly thought out. It's sad when Portal 2 has better writing than your whole remake combined. Honestly, it's kind of impressive how little thought they put into this. I'm getting flash backs to DGG's Halloween.

If it's any consolation, the mythology I based the reincarnation off of in infinity would essentially just be neverending. An ouroboros. The events would happen much the same way. A knock on the door. Spiral of grief. A bog. A deal. Restart. So, you'd just wake up again and live life until whatever the old you made a deal with decides it's time to collect. You're forever stuck in a loop with your soulmate until you get it right.

The rest is just how I kinda wish it went, but this was getting very long because I have more thoughts on this than I anticipated lmao 😅

Personally, I think it would have been much more interesting if they brought in a new passel of characters and slowly chipped off the main cast in a series of horrible decisions that slowly begin to feel hollow and empty. That leave you, the player, feeling emotionally gutted with each new chapter because the choices previously are absolutely impacting the way they move forward, but they're too deep into their own revenge fantasy to see it until the very end when it's too late. Give me actions have consequences and every choice you make is directly responsible for someone's death. The realities of war. And what happens when you give a group of people the power to play god in countries they know nothing about. It would have matched the gritty tone they tried to go for with the trailers and actually served as an interesting conversation about war and how we tend to deify the military when they're just men with too much power in their hands. Instead, we have a death that means nothing. That arguably happened much too early in the series so the payoff is solely meant for clicks and reaction channels. Pointless.

And Makarov. A Russian Ultra Nationalist. I feel like that title alone says everything for me, and yet. They still somehow managed to give a Russian War Criminal so many wins. I'm just so irritated by it all.

[colourprinter]

Probably too personal thoughts, feelings, and ramblings around Our Wonderland

A couple of warnings, this will likely spoil all of Our Wonderland and this will likely get personal on the thoughts and feelings. It's a personal look (and total ramble) at this game more than anything.

If you haven't played or don't know what Our Wonderland is, I don't know how you found this but you can find it for free on this link.

To keep the spoilers hidden and to prevent forcing , I've put everything in the expand below.

I found this game from the Queer Halloween Story Bundle on itch, I was looking around what was in the bundle and enountered this game. I had already played a visual novel from the bundle that didn't gel too well with me so my hopes weren't too high.

I had no idea what this free game in a bundle had in store.

I was casual during the intro, I don't know when it hit but I knew I was locked in when act 2 hit and I saw what the meat of this game really is.

Something in this game sucked me right in, and wouldn't let me go.

I can't say I remember every detail but I was quickly emotionally invested, trying (and almost always failing) to keep Iggy alive and seeing how this friend group had completely gone off the rails, how their wishes twist around them.

Everything gave me the feeling I believe it was meant to, Gidget's advances on Iggy, Orlam, Buck's outright brutality, Genzou trying to get out alive while throwing the worst words at Orlam (I think he's just like that anyway) and Iggy having the worst time of his life.

While that doesn't sound like much, I don't usually get a reaction from a lot, the mix of visual and words hits just right... or wrong given how horrifying some of this is. Well, some things in the game would easily get a reaction...

For a bit of context for the next parts, I am aro/ace, something I truely discovered myself in the middle of a relationship, not that I hate being in a relationship but I think I'm completely incapable of feeling romantic love, there's just... nothing there. With being ace, I kinda resented the way my brain would react, litrally wishing sometimes that I was ace, glad I grew out of that for my own sake.

I also tend to feel awkward enough around sex in video games. I got goaded into the House of Hope scene, the first time the game crashed to save me and the second time I went dead slient and fixed my eyes down, only looking up enough to see the choices... I've now got an agreement to never have that happen again.

So obviously Gitget's sections got a big reaction from me, I thankfully haven't had any expriences close to anything like that, I could understand Iggy's perspective.

But enough about the horrible stuff for the moment, I'm not going to explain that, yes, seeing Orlam's and Buck's scenes were also shockers because eating human flesh and brutally murdering people are kinda bad things as well.

What I want to focus on next is something I currently only have one full perspective of, the romance. I usually verbalise everything to myself in RPGs and VNs, doing silly little voices for everyone (doing 6 children voices at the end hurt) so when I was given the choice of an ending... obviously, I chose the Genzou ending. Usually I'd feel awkward and stilted reading out the words but this time, it felt nice, I haven't done the other endings but I'm sure they're just as good, even if they're not, I got at least one good romance which given that this topples my fav VN romance (Slay the Princess which is pratically a joke romance anyway), I'm more than happy with it.

Niceness is over, I have another list topper, worst thing I've ever encountered in a video game, something so bad that even being foribly censored (I'm not checking if there's a visible version this time), it made me sick to my stomach. The tree and the infant in Her branches. Now I've played though and done some horrible things in video games, including child murder, but the way the body is described, the way everyone reacts to it. I can't call it anything below truely horrible and I'm putting this above freaking turn based RPG murdering children, I thought after that nothing would get me again (I think doing it actually knocked a screw loose because I've suddenly stopped being a goodie two shoes in video games, that's how bad that was). I mean this as a compliment but that is the worst thing I have ever encountered in any media.

And I think because I've felt these strong emotions where I haven't been hit so hard before, I've become completely pulled into it all. The fanwork contest was the first bit of my own art I put online in years and that kick started me getting back into art as a hobby, something I don't think I would have gotten back into if I didn't do that bit of Iggy art to prove to myself that I could do it if I put myself into it.

So... Carrot, thank you so much for this game of romance, fun, death and wishes.

If I land on my feet, I'd like to make a game with multiple acespec PoVs one day, much less horror though.

[paperlovesadness]

I saw the Arctic Monkeys live... Almost two weeks ago now (crazy) and it did in fact take me this long to recover enough to write this. So here's some thoughts:

❄️🧊🐒🐒🐒🐒🧊❄️

Well first of all - context - it was a festival. And really not only was it a festival - it was my first festival. And not only was it my first festival - it was really my first live show of a band I cared for and listened to and specifically came to see. (I'm not a babeh nor a babby - I just listen to a lot of dead & retired musicians and AM was my first chance at a live gig that I really wanted to see). So this was like... Super special of an experience to me.

more context: I stood... Many many hours in the spot I secured almost as soon as I walked onto the festival grounds. And therefore saw them from second row. Up close. And... I'd do it again in a heartbeat (but it definitely isn't for everyone and please don't take this as advice and listen to what you yourself know about your body's limits).

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

✨Thoughts & feelings & observations✨ :

I've been fully validated in my love for TBHC & The Car.

I can now confidently say that I adore them as albums and also that they are show stealers to me personally in their live versions. They absolutely hold up live.

Listen - yes - the heavier more traditional rock albums full-on destroy live - and I definitely would've cried if I didn't get to hear the classics at my show. I jumped and screamed the lyrics and danced and played out the lyrics. But the songs I got from TBHC and TC? They HIT the most, emotionally.

Maybe it's because both of these albums are in my top 3 of the Monkeys albums in general - or maybe it's because Alex just resonates with them more currently therefore being able to emotionally invest more into them and then that coming across and affecting me. I don't know. I think it's both. And when Sculptures came around... PHEW

Which brings me to: Sculptures like absolutely destroyed me the most of the whole setlist -and I definitely wasn't expecting it.

It's not even my favorite song on The Car (though of course it is up there. And it also was the biggest WOW SHOCK for me on my first album listen). But something about his voice during that song. The emotions. The instrumentals. And the echo they had over all of it... Jeez, it was all just very intense.

Four out of Five.

Not a complete fan of the new arrangement... Because I worship TBHC in it's original form - but even so - that song still slaps in any form. And you best believe I was out there screaming all the verses like there's no tomorrow. It hurt my teeny tiny heart that this is now the lone setlist survivor off TBHC. But that just made me clutch it even harder and fully give myself to the moment. (TBHC we will avenge you!)

I think I just straight up dissociated at Do I Wanna Know.

Maybe I'm a basic bitch of a fan - but I WORSHIP that song and riff - and It was just such a symbol for me of getting to see them live. I imagined the moment he enters with his beautiful 12-string vox SO many times. And when the time came I just sort of... I didn't know what to do with myself. I sang along and tried focusing and registering it all - but it was too much; too much pressure on myself too - so my mind just seemingly floated away.

Generally the whole thing was such a hugely important event for me that I had trouble registering it as real and felt a bit "mind-floaty" through it all - but that memory is just THE BLURRIEST of them all. So you can say it's an intense experience witnessing that classic live 😂

Witnessing the whole process live made me realize just how exhausted the whole gang must be.

The night before I - of course - scoured all social media for info about their arrival and set up - and so I saw all the little info about them flying in, their bus and their equipment truck arriving, all that. Then I got a report from how the soundcheck went around noon. And since I stood 7 hours in my secured spot I also saw the entire setup process with so many roadies running around. Allll that contex kind of... Gave me a good feel for the time that goes into this. Time and work and travel - all of that for a 1,5 hour live show - and then on they go to the next. Let's please appreciate artists and understand when they do seem a little off. Touring seems like an energetic nightmare (and especially for introverts).

Speaking of roadies... I wasn't building too many expectations stage design-wise. And the EFFORT surprised me so positively.

So basically - I knew Glasto had the mirroball and all the bells and whistles. But we weren't as important of a festival. So there was no way of knowing. I truly full on expected a bare stage. For months I'd watch clips of their other shows and think "ah. Too bad we don't get the mirroball moment". I came to terms with it months in advance - and then when someone posted a blurry photo of the mirroball showing up I was in shock. I love how much this whole team cares. It isn't a simple task driving all these props around and setting them up - the ball, the ring, the lights, the curtains in the themed Car color palette. I very much wouldn't blame them for having a "light" version for festivals in particular - when the roadies have like 30-45 minutes to set everything up right after the previous act ends. But no - there's a vision and they stick to it consequently and they don't differentiate between types of shows. No compromises - 100% of what they've got. It's honestly just beautiful to me.

Alex was... So mobile.

He fully pranced around that stage in his little heeled boots (!!!) doing his little gags and knocking over microphone stands with the cord of his guitar. He made sure to cover the whole stage and acknowledge all sides of the crowd - and come back and give us all attention a few times throughout the show. And I love him for it.

Alex is completely mesmerizing.

Okay - I say that as a person who's completely in love with his mind and talent (and... the packaging... ain't bad 👀) - so I get I'm not a very reliable source. But guys... That kid is magic (I say as if he's not 9 years older than me) (he's still babygirl though) He just is. He grabs your attention with his energy and doesn't let go until you've let him out of your sight (not of your own accord). Disappears behind that curtain.

I tried checking up on the other boys through the show - Nick managed to hide at an angle that kept him pretty invisible to me, unfortunately :c. Matt was killing it - and I loved noticing how Jamie just... Sways back and forth. But listen - even when I meant to look towards them more during the show - my brain just completely didn't allow it.

(And yeah. I get that's the role of the frontman. But... Guess the thing is he just does it so well. It didn't come naturally to him - as we know. It takes a lot out of him probably each time. But the energy is just there. And he could stand all night long and just sing and I'd still be mystified).

I already fangirled internally like crazy when I saw their guitars being set up and tuned.

And then during the show - I caught myself guessing what songs they were gonna play based on the guitars Alex was picking up. And just being weirdly proud of myself.

Also... The Epiphone Coronet looks so tiny live? I don't know. But it seemed that way - and isn't a tiny guitar for a tiny kitten just the cutest thing?

I missed my moment 😪.

Which really wasn't too big of a potential moment - but between songs people would shout titles of songs they want to play - and you know. It was usually AM or maybe FWN stuff. And during one of those moments I felt an overwhelming urge to shout "Perfect Sense". You know... To show that fans are indeed also excited about the actual album this tour is about. I ended up deciding against it - and literally like two seconds later Alex picks up his acouie and announces Perfect Sense. I sensed that. I could've had Alex Turner knowing I sensed that. But alas. I ended up just enjoying it in peace 🥲.

I won't take any interaction-themed slander.

I feel like people who are used to a lot of band interactions often speak ill of Alex and think he's an ungrateful frontman. Which - well first of all is bullshit because I don't believe artists need to be saying a word - it's the music you pay for. But secondly - he may not be saying much - but the energy he exudes and the sincere way he says things... Well it says it all. I feel like you have to be there to feel that energy and understand - but to me it was palpable that he was grateful for the enthusiasm, happy to perform and generally very emotionally invested in everything he was doing.

And then he thanked us and sent kisses our way multiple times too. And called us a beautiful audience (stop it Alexander! We're blushing!)

His shennanigans!

He seemed very happy to have a runway to get onto and use for his bowling shtick (I feel like he immediately got excited seeing that stage at soundcheck probably when he realized he could use it in that way).

There were no birds around to control - but there was the weather. So he did in fact ask the skies to "turn up that wind machine" as it started blowing and made him look like a vision during Sculptures (guys, truly. Sculptures live is insane. I'll repeat it forever). (🎶 Those words don't mean a thing where I come from, but I'll sing them forever 🎶) (I'm sorry, I had to).

All the little over-the-top faces he makes to enact the lyrics are a bit too adorable and almost made my heart burst.

Like... The "wah wah" crying one at "I feel the tears are coming on"? What a geek.

(but then also... Who hurt you 👀 it definitely makes Body Paint seem even more bitter and like it's a jab at someone).

And then - if you've made it here - one last thing I'll share with you - a very important screenshot of my notes app where I quickly started scribbling my fleeting thoughts in the days following the show:

And I think that's the best way to sum up what one feels seeing the Man the Legend the Genius the Poet Alexander Turner in the flesh for the very first time.

[gloomyfilm]

A LOVE LETTER TO THIS IS US 🍋💌☁️

/for full ambiant experience click on the audio before continuing\

I still can't believe two summers ago I decided to give This Is Us a try, fell in love and binge-watched the whole 5 seasons available.

Every night, I would get to cooking in a very romanticized fashioned way à la Nancy Meyers main character, pour myself a nice fresh drink as people still enjoyed the warmth of the early evening hours.

By the time dinner was ready, world would accordantly settle for peacefulness as I made my way to the couch to get all cozy and snuggly.

Here would begin, the events I was truly not prepared for..

In just under 2 episodes, I was now finding myself unexpectedly and completely invested, all thanks to the writers for having done such a terrific job on the dialogues, cliffhangers and time traveling. For approximately the next two weeks following, my nights were paced up by This Is Us and driven by my own hunger to find out: what on earth happened to the Pearson family?

From the very first episode, --- which features one of the most beautiful closing scene I've seen on television along Labi Siffre's song "Watch Me" --- up to the last episode of season 1, emotions would come to the surface, hitting a specific spot within me...

By episode 14 from season 2 it was clear, if not clear then, that the tissu box would be kept close by for the remaining time of the entire series.

Imagine some stranger dropping on you some hard facts about life, death, society issues, love, mental health... to sum it up: YOURSELF.

precisely, accurately and totally out of the blue. 😃

As the seasons went on, I was admiring how the flashbacks and foreshadowing started to merge all together into one. It would only get all the more brilliant with each new episode I was discovering.

The show succeeded in giving its audience a range of life observations to think about. Therapy-wise, if you couldn't afford a therapist, This Is Us was there for you. I still rely on and appreciate many of the thoughtful and life inspiring excerpts.

Moreover, it delivered the people with a brand new music playlist. Yes, another key element to all this greatness is the symbiosis between the storylines and the soundtrack. Hold my Spotify, to this day I still listen to the score in my bed, to meditate, to get dreamy. I've also come to discover wonderful artists and can hardly detach their songs from the show as it gave their melodies a new sense of clarity and depth.

When having finished the fifth season, I was desperate for more but afraid to google the show and potentially find out it had been canceled.... which is NOT what happened of course because we're talking about thee show that has garnered over 17 million views in less than 3 days for its trailer alone. alright lovelies?

And so just like that, comfortable in my bed and all up to date, the sixth and finale season of This Is Us was premiered in early 2022.

Only couple of months after having cried an ocean over its past seasons, -- if reminder was needed --, I emotionally began this last chapter of what felt in some parts like my own life portrayed on screen. ✨hopes were high - tissu box storage ran low.✨

Season 6 would open to a flashbacks filled episode echoing Season 1, already preparing us for closure and ultimately heartbreaks. Eventually some people were a bit disappointed by the simplicity of the final episode, but the last minute or so really brought it all up for me. It was ending, right there before our very eyes and it was beautifully executed. The ultimate disappointment would have been to not experience any shivers, but that never happened, the show always got in my feelings in one way or another.

The empty boxes of kleenex that I've been sitting on can testify, your honor.

Last but not least, an aspect of the show that I've truly enjoyed is that all characters and actors were given dedicated moments to shine.

The chemistry between them was real, felt and seen both on and off the big screen and that's precious. I miss this cast.

This year, just a few weeks away from my birthday, there'll be no new Jack Pearson butt to be seen, no mothering singing Rebecca, no anxious Randall, no queen Beth, no indecisive Kevin, no self sabotaging Kate and oh do I miss them all. But I am so grateful for the people behind this project and their creative genius that bought us such a magnificent television program. I had low expectations, it now holds a special place in my heart like no other tv series.

This Is Us did not just narrate a story about some random family, it narrated life authentically at its worst and finest. With poetry and grace, it presented different storylines for each and every single one of us to identify, it offered us our very own reflection, and an opportunity to change, learn, heal or grow. This is the reason why so many of us worldwide described it as close to home,

because This Is Us.

🎂 And a very happy (late) birthday to our boo Milo Ventimiglia (08/07/1977) 💘