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reflections-in-a-critical-eye · 5 months ago

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This is a personal post about boarding school experience and its later effects in life. It will be under keep reading so anyone can scroll over it if they don't want to read it. It's mostly for me and the need to express the thoughts I've been having and I need an outlet for that.

I've been reading once again about boarding school syndrome all day since this morning. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why I feel the need to go back to all that as if to check if all the damage is still there. Or like a way to pity myself and then to hate it for feeling sorry for myself once again. It's a cycle. I must have remembered something last night before falling asleep because I found myself today at 10 am reading a research paper on it and then looking up testimonials in reddit.

But the thing is, most of the research is done on English boarding schools and as much as the overall experience is similar, there are so many nuances in the differences that exist.

I vividly remember looking out the window and watching my parents get in the car and leave. It was Sunday evening and they had the car parked on a smaller street in downtown where I was left to stay. The next day was the first day of school and I was 11, starting 5th grade.

I read that in cases of children going to boarding school, a lot of them remember in detail the moment the separation took place. And it's true even if it's been almost 20 years since then. That's when my stomach issues began. Of course the cause was emotional stress, but that didn't stop from going to medical clinics weekly to do full check ups when any adult should have realized that I was just homesick. The year after, I began to feel nausea each Monday morning. I used to beg my parents to postpone my return as much as possible so I would only leave home on Monday and arrive an hour before classes would start. For five years I went to school in the afternoon. The nausea became a constant. I would complain on that day, hoping my mother would tell me that I don't have to go to school. But I couldn't understand at that time that my mother was emotionally unavailable and had no idea how to deal with her daughter's real needs.

But I kept going and as years went by, I got used to it and it felt easier by the time I finished high school. When I was already in college, I had forgotten half of my experience and I would gloss over what happened. I would act proud of how fast I had become independent, without needing any help, as if that was a good thing.

Of course that at some point I slowly started to realize that not everything went that well, but either way, that perhaps it was worth the sacrifice if I manage to do something well professionally. Eight years of boarding school meant sacrifices and financial investment. For me to go to the most prestigious middle school (I had to take an English exam for 5th grade, that was unheard of at that time in any other school!), then to the most prestigious high school to receive the best grades which would help to get into the most prestigious university so I can study exactly what I want because by then I found my passion. And I was encouraged. So I worked for it for more than a decade because all the pain had to have been worth it. Yes, parts of life sucks, but perhaps a uni position while I teach and research would compensate for it. But it never did and that entire plan fell to pieces because life doesn't work how I wanted to.

So was all that worth it in the end? Absolutely not.

For years I would think and say that I never suffered bullying in school because my colleagues were nice and for the most part, I had nice experiences. And that's still true. While at the same time forgetting that I also had that other life in boarding school where 17-18 year girls found abuse a form of entertainment.

Bullying is such a common occurence but it gets worse in boarding school because you can't get to any space that feels safe. You can't get home to your own room and to your own parents who might notice something and intervene. In boarding school you have to sleep in the same room and next to the same bed as your abusers. You take showers next to them, hoping that nothing happens. It's living in constant fear.

All my emotional mechanisms have developed during those years, especially between the ages of 11-13. I quickly learned to avoid any type of conflict because that would mess up whatever aparent peace that existed from time to time. I learned that speaking up and telling the adults responsible meant that I was in more danger.

As adults, those who went through the boarding school experience have trouble maintaining relationships. We become self sufficient because we had to. There was no help so we learned to take care of ourselves. Consequently, we don't need other people, especially if we know they will eventually abandon us. Of course attempts are made because it's in our nature. I've lost friendships because rather than making myself heard and to be an active participant in a relationship, I distanced myself. It's easier than to speak because there's a risk that the other person would certainly decide to break the friendship. Avoid conflict at all costs, even it rots everything from the inside. I'm still actively doing this.

When I told my therapist about these experiences (which I don't think I'll talk about in detail here), she used the word trauma. To this day, I have a hard time accepting it. Because deep down I still don't believe that my experience was that bad to be labeled that way. It's not real trauma if nothing really actually "bad" happens.

It's only bad enough that it infiltrated and influenced all aspects of my entire life. From personal relationships to professional. The latter I used to think it was independent and untouchable of all the things I had going on personally. But of course to realize as an adult that the need for perfection, the impostor syndrome, all are a result of never feeling good enough which stems from the initial abandonment.

I find it hard to accept that some decisions taken 20 years ago without me having any real say in it (I was asked and I said yes because my parents know best) and the consequent experiences that I had to go through have negatively influenced my entire life. For many years I never looked at aspects of my life, thinking that something is not well and should be investigated. I was busy in my 20s with other thoughts without realizing the root cause of why I was doing some things. But by the time that decade was over, it's like everything is crashing down. Piece by piece. Every single aspect of my life had been fucked by that thing my therapist calls trauma.

#m thoughts #personal

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mulders-too-large-shirt · 8 months ago

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season 1 episode 13 thoughts

A SCULLY EPISODE!!!! i was overjoyed and then i felt deep and immeasurable grief as the minutes went by.

she wants to leave her christmas tree up all year <3 she's a good cook <3 her dad calls her starbuck <3

but her dad is being avoidant! he didn't even say i love you when he left!

! dana scully lore reveal ! her dad lowkey sucks!!!

and then he IMMEDIATELY DIED right after! that is sick and twisted. why do they make my girl endure such pain.

the next note i made for the episode was "omg windows you have to crank!" which was a brief moment of levity among the Sorrow. except even the guy doing the said window cranking was kidnapped right after. still, the novelty of it all!

when scully came into work even though her dad had just died... we see mulder call her "dana" for the first time... she was visibly taken aback by this... and mumbled her name back to herself... my heart was melting out of my body

and when i thought i was going to already collapse from the "dana" moment, he tells her she should take some time for herself and then. softly cups her cheek. and strokes it with his thumb. holy fuck i nearly sobbed. it was the softest thing i have ever seen. what the hell man.

he has this instinctive need to touch her. to use his touch to keep her safe or bring her comfort. it will be psychoanalyzed at a later date from me but for now, know i am noticing the motifs.

(also, when he finally left his office, we see that he kept the hat from the alien obsessed guy in episode 10... good to know this is a man who takes souvenirs. take him to the zoo and see what he comes back with)

so then we cutscene to her dad's funeral and we learn that her father was in the navy- perhaps this is why he is unduly harsh. and then we got ANOTHER scene that beat my heart into a pulp: scully turning to her mom and asking "was he proud of me?" her mom waits for a beat and says "he was your father". HEY! THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!

(who wouldn't be proud of scully? i'm taking names. write them down)

when interrogating the death row psychic mulder once again said "i want to believe" and i once again wrote in my episode notes "HE SAID THE LINE!"

interesting that this is an episode where scully believes and mulder doesn't, almost immediately from the beginning of the episode. but the psychic says stuff her dad would say and therefore she gets emotionally invested even though mulder says it's nonsense, and that this guy is setting them a trap because mulder got him put on death row. and when she listens to the psychic's clue and find evidence at an abandoned warehouse, mulder yells at her for putting herself in danger. to which she said:

"i thought you'd be pleased i opened myself to extreme possibilities"

scully i am REACHING through the screen and telling you i'm proud of you in case no one ever did that before

(and MAYBE mulder yelling at her for putting herself in danger because he thinks he needs to protect her WAS deeply satisfying but still. read the room my king)

(also revealed in this scene: mulder is a jimi hendrix fan. i am tucking this knowledge in my pocket and storing it safely)

then the psychic decided to reveal some of her personal memories and we learn she stole a cigarette when she was 14 and she thought it was disgusting but she wanting to do something they would disapprove of. and she was so scared but so excited. are you kidding me? are you absolutely kidding me. the need to rebel from an assigned role in which she feels she MUST be perfect has haunted her from a young age, and when she finally did something her parents really disprove of- joined the FBI instead of working as a doctor- she's met with rejection. so now we know she's had this terrible need to do what pleases those she loves and to break that is a rush from its inherent moral Wrongness. the isolation of being the Good Child who does what She's Told vs. the isolation of being the Less Good Child who loses their parent's approval. that terrible ache of knowing you once pleased them and now you don't. the conditional nature of affection. ohhhhh good lord.

later mulder gets shot and scully thinks the psychic lured him into a trap which leads to her screaming at him (like SERIOUSLY screaming) that if mulder dies, she'll kill the psychic herself. now this was especially crazy because we have only at this point seen her yell once before which was in episode 8, but this was 10x that intensity. also wild for revealing that she will kill anyone who hurts mulder. once again i say holy FUCK.

mulder is wheeled in to the hospital and still telling her not to believe him, says that he's luring her into another trap. at this point i was yelling "TELL MULDER HE KNEW ABOUT YOUR DAD!" but she was too deep in the grief to bring it up

(throughout the entire episode she is hallucinating her dad in places he isn't, which is arguably far more impactful than just seeing her cry)

when the psychic reveals the location of the murderer and they go to check it out, scully straight up shoots the suspect. she is NOT playing around, y'all. i think this is the first time we see her shoot someone, which is already a lot to unpack. but then she doesn't follow the killer because the psychic had warned her against it and in this way he saves her life.

then she says thank you to the psychic, who says "come to my execution and i'll give your father's message to you" and she DOESN'T GO. mulder asks her why, because now he seems to think that psychic dude really WAS telling the truth, and she no longer does:

"why can't you believe?" "because i'm scared"

she's scared!! she's scared to believe. she's scared to know what is out there and she seemed scared to know what her father had to say. isn't there enough uncertainty in this world ruled by facts and science? what could the possibilities be like beyond that? why believe in what you cannot control? she says she knew what he would say because "he's my father". is that enough for her? or was she too frightened to hear that he wasn't proud of her?

overall i've said "holy fuck" like a LOT during this recap and i truly feel that those are the only words i have for the situation. getting to see more scully lore was EXACTLY what i was hoping for and i'm so pleased but also so so so sad. like she keeps her christmas tree up and she's a good cook and she has this terrible need for her father's approval that he won't give and then he goes and dies. i need about 10 beach episodes to make up for the sadness here. chris carter i'm in ur walls.

#also: mulder is acts of service/touch love language coded and i'm thinking words of affirmation for scully #like i know the whole love language model is problematic but if i see it i'm gonna say it. sorry.#geez i feel like i need a nap after that. what the fuck. my sweet poor scully.#i felt her becoming a character i am going to stan for the rest of my life during this #oh did i see a bit of myself in her? MIND UR BUSINESS!!!#once i have more of the show under my belt i'll do my character analysis posts like i do on my main for sylvie #haven't done it in a while on main though because i hated loki s2 lmao not much to work with!#juni's x files liveblog #the x files #txf #1x13 #dana scully #<- adding that tag because i did a LOT of character analysis here and moving forward i'll maybe make those their own posts

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glux2 · 1 year ago

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Musing: Emotional connection

Recently a very close person to me suggested i binge watch "Angel Hare", before that day my only exposure to that project was a fan game that had a very funny punchline in lampooning the "cursed videogame" genre.

So i watched the whole thing and it was great.

This scene right here made me feel more feelings than most of the media i have watched/played/read in like the last 5 years or so.

So it made my mind wonder, like, "hold on, when was the last time i felt this strongly about a piece of entertainment?"

Sure, if you know me, i felt strongly about the ongoing plotline for Noelle on Deltarune, so one would think "2021 when chapter two came out", right? but no, i got very invested but it wasn't it.

The last time i felt so strongly about a piece of media was actually Deltarune's predecesor, Undertale in 2015.

I finished Undertale in tears, i got in a very bad funk when i found out about the genocide ending, it truly made me feel emotions.

So i began to ponder, just what really moves me?

Full disclosure: I don't cry at movies. This is not a "look at me i am a badass who is not beheld by feelings" statement, no, i kinda just dont connect emotionally with movies as easily as other people.

I have talked about this, many times actually, Toy Story 3 did not make me cry, it always bothers me how people at the time were like "if TS3 didn't make you cry, you have no soul" and shit like that, so let me repeat something i have said many times before:

Toy Story 3 was a movie i went to see the day doctors had informed me my mother had entered terminal phase of cancer.

My friends took me to see TS3 when i felt the greatest sadness i have ever felt in my entire life. And im glad TS3 was a pretty funny movie that managed to distract me from what i was going through. TS3 uplifted me when i had a very real reason to cry.

So what im getting at is, i rarely connect emotionally with what conventionally makes people emotionally connected, not that i havent felt strong emotions from movies, but as we'll get to later, it's just not the stuff you would expect, when we get back to movies you'll be thinking, "what the fuck, Toy story 3 did not make you emotional but THIS THING DID?!"

So, if traditional "emotional things" rarely have moved me i began to think to myself, "what are things that have made me feel this strongly?"

I realized it's the damn weirdest things.

I'll try to list things that i can remember making me feel this emotional.

Now i'll be upfront, im not a very cultured person, so you'll notice most of this is...not very high brow.

Also, obviously spoilers for all this stuff im about to talk about.

Before we begin: Honorable mention goes to me finding out i had repressed memories of being traumatized as a kid by being show an animated adaptation of "Pilgrim's progress" by an aunt, which disturbed me greatly towards the end as the main character dies and before it the souls of two people he met are condemned to eternal damnation from making MISTAKES, not sins, not evil, but THE FUCKING MISTAKE of exploring alternate routes before them.

-Yoshi's Island, 1994 When i was a wee one Yoshi was one of my fave videogame characters, so of course i was beyond hype when a game where you play as yoshi came out, the ending is one of the greatest moments in videogame history, the beautiful music, the journey of the stork, and finally the classic Mario fan fare playing as baby mario and baby luigi being held by their parents with the words "Heroes are born", it's such a powerful moment. To this day i still cannot listen to that credits music without tearing up.

Sequel? Retcon?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, SHUT UP, THIS IS THE PERFECT ENDING AND NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AFTER IT!

-The bicentennial man, 1999 The bicentennial man is one of the biggest examples of a movie being fucking mischaracterized in the marketing, this movie is based on Isaac Asimov's short story and later novel, it stars Robin Williams, so all marketing was presenting the movie as Robin Williams comedy movie, IT. IS. NOT. The bicentennial man is a scifi drama about the existential search for meaning and the nature of what truly is to be alive. You get invested on the quest of this robot trying to find humanity for 200 years, and the punchline to this movie is, in his quest for humanity he forgoes the immortality being a machine provides him as he had developed the way to turn himself biological, still artificial but biological, and he dies peacefully on his sleep before he can be told that humanity had declared him, legally, a human being. To me it was such a powerful moment, he found true meaning to his life, became human, yet died before knowing so.

-Courage the cowardly dog, "The Mask", 2002 This is a legendary episode of an already great show that has a lot of very good emotional moments, some may cite episodes like "the giving tree" or "the last star maker", but for me it's this one. For those who have never experienced this episode, it revolves around a cat girl named Kitty who one day shows up at Courage's farm and she's wearing an upsetting mask, she abuses courage because she believes all dogs are bad. The mask serves 2 purposes, one is metaphorical, "her inability to face reality", the second is to hide her identity as she believes she is in danger. The thing is, she is on the run because her lover best friend Bunny is trapped in an abusive relationship with a gangster dog who threatened to kill her if she was seen near Bunny ever again, the episode coats the whole situation with a ton of goofiness, but it's actually very fucking dark: A young lesbian is trapped against her will on an abusive relationship with a toxic, violent man who threatened to kill her girlfriend if she refused to date him. Courage, being a good little dog ventures to save Bunny and have her reunite with Kitty because, despite how bad Kitty was to him, he recognizes that Kitty is a victim and she and Bunny deserve better, leading to Courage letting them escape away together, to live happy and free. I don't think it's just me, but the final image of Kitty and Bunny hugging as the train takes them to freedom felt so powerful to me.

-Twisted Metal Head-on, 2002 This is one of the weirdest things i have ever gotten emotionally invested, but honestly? i love when some shitposting franchise suddenly manages to pull this off, specially given the set up for this whole thing im going to describe starts in an early game as a fucking joke. So to contextualize this, the first two Twisted metal games were helmed by the og creators of the franchise, TM 3, 4 and small brawl were made by different developers when the creators lost the rights, but during the PS2 era when the og developers came back and created TM: Black, and TM: Head-on, Black was a reboot, Head-on was a retcon sequel to TM 2 that eliminated TM3 from the timeline, but not TM 4. Still with me? Okay so TM2 had this character, Krista Sparks, who was the revealed to be the daughter of the main antagonist of the game, Calypso, but hold on? wasn't Calypso's backstory that his family died in a tragic accident which lead him to become evil? So turns out, the FBI retrieved his daughter's corpse, turned it into a robot with a bomb with the intend to make her get close to Calypso and blow him up. The ending ends comically with a message reading "The FBI wishes to thank you for putting an end to Twisted metal". Stil Still with me?!?!?! ok! so Head on! In this game Krista is back, as a ghost, her ending consists on her confronting her dad, who has now brought up so much pain, misery and death to the world, Calypso tries to explain that the nature of his powers mean he has to do this otherwise he cannot use his powers, and his plan was for Krista to win so he could bring her back and her mom to life, but Krista is so horrified with what has happened that she refuses and blurts "I wish the accident that killed me and mom never happened" the intention being impeding Calypso from becoming this evil super natural villian, but as per all endings, it's always a monkey paw affair and Calypso knows it, looking saddened he grants the wish because he has no option, his powers force him to. Briefly Krista has a vision of her childhood with her dad before he became evil as they share a sweet moment playing on a swing set. HARD CUT TO A HOSPITAL, Krista is on a bed in coma, Calypso is there and whispers to her something along the lines of "Sleep tight my dear, may you finally find peace", as Calypso is leaving the hospital you can hear 2 doctors talking, mentioning that Krista had been in coma for more than a decade and apparently Calypso just had found out. Excuse me Twisted Metal, but WHAT THE FUCK? You are a dumb fucking edgy car combat game, how dare you make me feel these things?

-Mother 3, 2006 (translation on 2008) Mother 3 hopefully needs no introduction, or maybe it does, because many people have reduced it to a joke due to how nintendo stubbornly refuses to give us an official release, but also many of you must know this franchise is the spark that ignited the flame of the absolute Juggernaut Undertale would become, as well as many other games influenced by it. The Mother/Earthbound games were known for being quirky and deviating from the standard conventions of the game, notably for the modern day setting and unorthodox choices of how you deal with the villians, they were always billed as emotional, but i feel they did not live up to that...until 3. The general narrative to Mother 3 is about how greed is destroying the world, the main villian corrupting what we see of the world (a paradise little town where everybody is nice) by introducing luxury, money and status....and also stomping everything with his fascist army and cyborg mutants. Mother 3 is a game about how the worst traits of humanity are destroying the world and upsetting nature. Mother 3 is also the story of 2 twin brothers who suffer tragedy after tragedy after tragedy that ultimately pits them one against the other with the fate of the world at stake. Mother 3 punches you almost immediately by killing the mother character (which i might mention you're encouraged to name after your own mother) at the end of the first chapter and how this affects her surviving family. one of the Twins, Claus, is so disturbed that he decides to on on his own to try to kill the monster that took his mom, while the other, Lucas, was too afraid and weak to stop his brother, resulting on Claus dying as well...but the badguys take his corpse and reanimate it into a cold, emotionless cyborg who follow's the big bad's order and is using him to try to cause the end of the world. In the climax of the story Lucas is force to confront Claus, clause is a brain washed cyborg, his master is out of the picture and all he can do is fight, you can't reason with him...and then.... Lucas and Claus begin to hear a voice, a familiar voice, it's their mother, reaching for them from beyond the grave, pleading for them to stop fighting, suddenly Lucas and Claus both have a flash back to when they were babies, overhearing their parents talk about the hopes they have for them, the many things they will be able to achieve together, this makes Clause snap out of his brain washing, removing the helmet that had been hiding his face since he was resurrected, Lucas and him have a moment as they are finally reunited, Claus realizes all the bad things he has done while under control of the bad guy and realizes he must atone for his crimes, he prepares a lightning attack he knows cannot hurt Lucas and cause HIM to die. "Im sorry for all the problems i caused" he says as he is dying on his dad's arm, "I must go to where mom is now", as he passes away he can hear his mother calling for him, "You just be so tired" she says. Now i know it will sound insane for people to hear a videogame of all things can make one so emotional, but damn, just recollecting these scenes for this dumb post has made me start to cry, the emotional punch of this scene is very strong, it demolished me when i played the game back in the day, but now? After my own mother passed away? I have been scared of playing this game again. I mot sure if im emotionally prepare to go though that again, even 10+ years later. That's how powerful this scene was to me.

-Elite Beat Agents, 2007 If you have played this game, you know were im going, for those who dont, EBA is a silly rhythm game about secret agent cheer leaders that are dispatched around the world to help people in need by raising their spirit and allow them to overcome adversity, the game is insanely wacky and have scenarios like helping a ninja car salesman prevent a company from stealing his company's secrets, helping a washed up baseball star fight a lava spitting golem rampaging on an amusement park and traveling back in time to help davinci paint the mona lisa. EBA is also the second game in the Ouendan series, and there is something you need to know about this series: They all include tearjerker levels to contrast with all the goofiness. "A christmas Wish" is a christmas themed level set to Chicago's "You are the inspiration" and the story to this level is positively DEVASTATING: A few months before christmas a business man tells his daughter and wife he has to go on a business trip but he promises he'll be back just in time for christmas, the girl asks him to bring back a "girlfriend" for her teddy bear. The father dies on a plane crash. When the mother breaks the news to the little girl she gets angry, crying to the skies that her dad promised he would be back for christmas. The backdrop of the stage is set the girl and the mom doing things to remember the dad, like looking through a photo album and baking a cake for his birthday, it's very sweet, but...this is EBA, if you're doing poorly you see the "bad" versions of these scenes, and in this one, one is very devastating, the little girl is having a dream where she's chasing the spirit of her dad, if you're doing well she calls for him and for a brief moment the dad stops and starts turning towards her, if you're doing bad the spirit fades away and the girl wakes up in tears. Dear goodness. But of course, if you beat the level you get this sequence of the ghost of the dad showing up on chrismas morning to fullfil his promise, giving the little girl the teddy bear he promised and having the chance to say good bye to his family.

This punches you really fucking hard in the gut. I am incapable of doing this level without ending in tears. For a time i could not even listen to this song without tearing up until, i shit you now, the deadpool movie used it on a comedy scene.

-Punch out!!, 2009 This one is one i know got me because of personal nostalgia, when i was a wee one the og NES punch out was a big part of my childhood, Punch Out!! on the wii was a masterfully crafted tribute to the franchise. To not dwell too much time on this, this game has an interesting quirk, the ending is a downer ending and it's the only ending you can get. After you beat the last opponent there is a sequence where Mac and Doc seemingly are having a disagreement, where Mac seemingly has decided that if he loses 3 times, he'll retire from boxing completely. After this you face randomly opponents from the game, the first time you lose in this mode you lose your champion title, after three loses, it's game over and the story mode becomes locked for that save file. The final cutscene is Doc walking through what seems to be a gallery with boxing memorabilia, and untold number of years later, he is alone, he spots his old bike on this gallery and rings the bell, he looks up and speak to an absent Mac, "Good job son, good job", as he leaves the camera pans to reveal he was looking at a framed photo of him and Mac on one of their training sessions. The music on this sequence is so perfect, and it was aimed at people like me, people who grew up with the franchise, the idea was making it feel like Doc was reminiscing of YOUR time with punch out when you were a kid, and to make you think about how far YOU have come since the first time you played the games in an arcade, or your nes, or snes. It's actually pretty effective and it got me.

-Regular Show, "Trucker Hall of Fame", 2012 What makes this one different from others instances of me making me emotional, it's, much like the "Angel Hare" example at the top, this one is all about WARM HAPPY FEELINGS, so for those who did not watch this episode, let me summarize it for you: One day Muscleman gets word that his dad, who was his personal hero, has passed away, and he's tasked with carrying his final wish, spread his [hat's] ashes in a place called "Trucker hall of fame", you see, Muscleman was lead to believe his dad was a legendary trucker and that earned him his admiration, but during the episode Muscleman finds out he was lied to, his dad was a forklift driver that the truckers belittled, altho feeling cheated for having been lied to he carries on with his father's wishes. Now because this is regular show, when they arrive at the trucker's hall of fame they are immediately attacked by ghost trucker for "desecrating the hall of fame" as they spread the ashes something happens: The ghost of Muscleman's dad manifests himself and saves his son, taking the chance to apologize to his son and having the chance to say his final good bye personally. Despite the inherent silliness of the show's premise, i think this episode really did a good job on expressing that sense of catharsis of making peace with the passing of a love one.

-The Final Girls, 2015 A friend suggested we watched this movie, and much like Twisted metal up there, i absolutely did not expect for this incredibly stupid comedy horror movie to hit me with any sort of emotional connection, and yet... The Final Girls opens with the main character in a car with her mom, who is an struggling C-tier actress whose biggest achievement ever was appearing on a Friday the 13th knock off movie, during this sequence they get in an accident where the mom dies and even after it's been some time since the accident the main character has not properly moved on from the passing of her mom. Her friends and some people at the college she attends are preparing this horror movie festival where the main event is they are going to play the movies from the franchise her mom was on, and they suggest she should come. Then some bullshit happens and they all end up somehow trapped in the world of the movie. A quick rundown of the rules of horror movies is explained to them, the monster cannot be defeated by fighting it, it's only the final girl who can defeat the killer, and unfortunately for them they accidentally killed the character that, in the canon of the movie, is the final girl, so they believe one of them has to become the final girl and end the movie to hopefully get out of it. The problem is, the main character is experimenting shock from interacting with her mom's character, she is not taking well to seeing her mom on the flesh and she dedicates the entire movie to "save her mom", in the climax of the movie the mom character begins to understand that she is a fictional character and the nature of her attachment to the main character, understanding that they cannot be both the final girl and if then main character wants to make it back to the real world she has to learn "To let go", choosing to sacrifice herself so there is only one final girl. It's kinda weird, that of all possible premises, this managed to make a "You need to move on" message that somehow managed to resonate with me, you might have figured out by now a running theme here, but, i was really hard for me to deal with my mother's passing even if it's been years since it happened, so it's kinda funny for me to think these are the places i have found comfort from.

-Undertale, 2015 Okay this is tumblr, i already talked about Undertale on the prologue to, whatever the fuck im doing here, you know what undertale is, you know how effective it is, Undertale is really well designed for you to grow emotionally attached to these characters, so being able to see all these characters you know have grown attached to have their happy ending on the pacifist ending does fill one with a very satisfactory warm happy feeling that can move you to tears. ...Or you can be bummed out by being a little greedy gaming bitch and taking a look at the bad ending. Because you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

-Onward, 2020 This movie did not hit me as hard as the most emotional entries on this, but it still got me, because in the end of the day the main motivation of the characters on this movie is experiencing closure, catharsis over the death of their father, for Ian it's the fact that he died before he was born so he never met him and is driven by this desire to finally see the father who he shares such a connection with on the stories everybody who knew him in life have told him, and then there is Barley, the elder brother, who did know his dad in life, but is tortured by how, as a kid, he did not properly say good bye to him because he was terrified of death and avoided being there for him in his final days. The ending for this movie is very powerful, Ian choosing to sacrifice being able to meet his dad in the flesh, even for a few minutes, in order to give Barley the chance to being able to properly make peace with his dad and properly say good bye to him. Ian doesn't even get to SEE this, he does not get to see his dad even tho it was what he wanted most of all, but he understood bringing closure to Barley was more important than his selfish desire to see his dad, someone he never knew in life.

So what have i learned from whatever the hell this trainwreck of a post is...i guess that what really gets to me, what really moves me, is when a character, maybe not even someone i can realistically relate to, gets to experience closure, catharsis and be in peace with the people who are missing on their life. The majority of these things in here, even the Angel Hare example, relate to a character being able to experience catharsis by being able to properly make pace or otherwise contact someone they lost, or their ability to move on from this world, so to speak, knowing that their affairs and in order and that their loved ones will be okay.

Things can always look dark, the world may be trying to keep you down, maybe losing someone has been specially hard for you, but it's not the end of the world, you are loved and things can get better, it always hurts and we'll never stop missing what we have lost, but the memories of happier times are there to remind us, we can be happy again, and we can move on, use those memories as your motivation, you can lead yourself to a future filled with light.

#rambling #onward #mother 3 #angel hare #twisted metal #punch out #yoshi's island #undertale #deltarune #regular show #courage the cowardly dog #EBA

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thesirencult · 1 year ago

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BRINGING DOWN OTHERS IS LOW VALUE

Today I had the joy of getting a message from a nice young lady who wanted to thank me for my advice and sweetly asked me if I wanted to be friends with her ❤️

This made me understand that having a platform may be a way to share our individual opinions but we should have in mind that, especially on Tumblr, many people come across our content and we have responsibility to correctly and ethically influence them by adding value to their lives.

So, I want to thank every single one of you for following me and sending sweet messages. All 1,205 of you. We are a small corner on the internet and I don't care about appearing "mysterious" and "unapproachable" to my digital friends.

If you have a question/a content suggestion or just want to say "Hi!" don't be shy and use my AMA or private messages. I'll try to answer to all of you.

Also, thank you for being patient with me as I'm finishing up with this exam season and have not posted anything in the past few days. A few of you reached out for tarot readings and a birth chart analysis and we got even closer, so thank you for trusting me with your time, money, hopes and wishes!

I asked the young lady if she wanted me to write a post about something specific or if she had any content suggestions. She told me that she wanted my opinion on "pick-me" girls who bring other women down. She added that it would be interesting to "know how do this girls think". Your wish is my command young lady!

Shall we start ?

After you queens... 👑

Have you noticed something? People who are high value and successful are always eager to extend their hand to other people full of passion and ambition. They become mentors and leaders for other women and men. They set the standard by example. Usually these people are kind hearted, yet know how and when to set boundaries.

All in all, they don't bring other people down, they build them up.

This women and men build ladders for others to climb at the top with them but they know, they have to protect themselves and their loved ones from vultures, because someone can bring you down even if you are thousand meters above them. They just have to pull the rug underneath your feet.

Someone who is high, won't try to lower someone else's value. Someone who is low is not accustomed to the loneliness of the top. They want to surround themselves with other low value individuals to feel powerful. That's the pack mentality and that's why mean girls/boys hang in crowds.

We all had that "friend". She was insecure but always downplayed. She was always jealous of other people and you could see it but you never thought she was jealous of you. Why would she be? When you talked about your crush/business idea/ambitions it was always : "Ew he is ugly.", "Who are you Elon Musk?", "A law degree? You don't even know how to think critically.".

That friend and you fell apart when you started investing in yourself, and that's when the veil fell off and you saw other girls like that.

The pick-me girls.

A couple days ago, I had a "History Of Economic Thought" exam (It's a very interesting topic to research and if a similar class is available to you, I suggest that you take it!). It was the last one I had to take in person.

I felt awful, anxious and tired. Two weeks of hard work, studying everyday, staying up till light came through the blinds and commuting two hours back and forth to and from school had made me emotionally and mentally tired. I needed some loving from my cat Mr. Mau and a toffee nut latte.

I did my 10k steps by the sea and decided to open up Pinterest and make myself feel a bit better. I searched up "fall aesthetic", "studying aesthetic", "toffee nut latte from Starbucks" etc.

Under a pin there was this comment by a girl calling all women who are "obsessed" with fall, Starbucks and cute photos of pumpkins, "silly a** basic white b*tches".

I then went on TikTok and came across a video of a woman who was being shamed for having a 35k engagement ring (you know which one I'm talking about, the one her man, an amazing king ate the interviewer up and left no crumbs). A woman had commented "she is a gold digger and when he cheats on her with a good woman she'll get what she deserves".

Excuse me what ? So a good woman is one who tries to please others by accepting less than she deserves. I'm not one who would want a 35k engagement ring, buy me a 3k one and 32k of gold for investment purposes, but if her men believed she deserved that, then so be it.

Why are you trying to get picked? Do you think men marry the good girl? Do you think any man who will only see you as an innocent, precious lovely angel will be able to take all of you?

These women are playing a dangerous game. They so badly want to get picked and mostly they get picked but for all the wrong reasons. They love how guys on podcasts praise them online for being "feminine". They love the attention of boys who find them cool.

Sweetheart, you need a man who will find your rage and your sweetness sacred.

You need parents who will understand that you have your own dreams, needs and that you are not just an extension of their egos.

These women and the so-called "good guys" (uhh don't let me get started on those") are sad inside. They would love to have your own wildness and freedom. They feel jealous that you are still that magical bitch holding your pumpkin spice latte with a fresh new set and while doing kick boxing on Wednesday afternoon.

Girls, watch some Legally Blonde. It's the literal blueprint 😉 It made me come to terms with my girly nature as a girl who grew up a tomboy.

You don't have to be just bubbly and feminine. You don't have to be just a dark feminine, femme fatale. You can be all of those things because we are multilayered beings. Lastly, we have the gift of metamorphosis. Don't be afraid to transform and break the mold.

#source:thesirencult #level up journey #leveling up #leverage #level up #divine feminine energy #feminine advice #feminine journey #dark feminine aesthetic #dark femininity #femme fatale #high value mindset #high value woman

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yeyinde · 1 year ago

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Haha, I also spoil myself intentionally, but for the plot of movies, tv shows, and games I’m not super invested in. If I accidentally spoil myself (especially if I learn a character dies) I’ll cope by telling myself “I don’t know how/when it happened though”

Anyways Major Character Death!!

I’m SO disappointed in them killing off Soap and especially in how they did it! No buildup or anything! To me it was disrespectful to the character and to Neil Ellice. And then the 141 don’t even say anything and it cuts to them spreading his ashes with a simple goodbye! They could have at least made them a little more upset 🥲 also I hate how abruptly the game ended. Makarov gets away, but no mention to that at the end.

I had also initially requested what would become infinity in the palm of your hand (eternity in an hour) as a way to “cope” with 2009 Soap’s death because it’s always been on the back of my mind for years (weird, I know). But now after playing the new MW3 campaign I look like boo boo the fool because of who went and got killed off 😭 now every time I go back to reread it, it will be painful knowing what’s in store for reader for their current reincarnation of Soap.

Tldr I’m kinda not okay with MW3.

From what I've seen, it feels like they pulled it out of a hat. All names went in, but his (amongst others) came out. And I guess it's safe because he died in the OG, so the backlash can easily be deflected from within their own community when other fans come to their defence over this choice. But idk.

I agree with everything you said. It doesn't make any sense. It's jarring and misplaced, and canonically pointless. I'm not against character death. Grief is a powerful thing. But I just hate when it's so contrived and needless. It was definitely done for shock value over plot/character growth and I think they were trying to re-create the massive storm that happened when OG Soap died because they know they don't have much else going for them. It just massively missed the mark because: a) Price and Gaz had no tangible in-game relationship with Soap the same way Ghost did; and b) what does his death really amount to in the end? Nothing. It feels cobbled together and poorly thought out. It's sad when Portal 2 has better writing than your whole remake combined. Honestly, it's kind of impressive how little thought they put into this. I'm getting flash backs to DGG's Halloween.

If it's any consolation, the mythology I based the reincarnation off of in infinity would essentially just be neverending. An ouroboros. The events would happen much the same way. A knock on the door. Spiral of grief. A bog. A deal. Restart. So, you'd just wake up again and live life until whatever the old you made a deal with decides it's time to collect. You're forever stuck in a loop with your soulmate until you get it right.

The rest is just how I kinda wish it went, but this was getting very long because I have more thoughts on this than I anticipated lmao 😅

Personally, I think it would have been much more interesting if they brought in a new passel of characters and slowly chipped off the main cast in a series of horrible decisions that slowly begin to feel hollow and empty. That leave you, the player, feeling emotionally gutted with each new chapter because the choices previously are absolutely impacting the way they move forward, but they're too deep into their own revenge fantasy to see it until the very end when it's too late. Give me actions have consequences and every choice you make is directly responsible for someone's death. The realities of war. And what happens when you give a group of people the power to play god in countries they know nothing about. It would have matched the gritty tone they tried to go for with the trailers and actually served as an interesting conversation about war and how we tend to deify the military when they're just men with too much power in their hands. Instead, we have a death that means nothing. That arguably happened much too early in the series so the payoff is solely meant for clicks and reaction channels. Pointless.

And Makarov. A Russian Ultra Nationalist. I feel like that title alone says everything for me, and yet. They still somehow managed to give a Russian War Criminal so many wins. I'm just so irritated by it all.

#cod spoilers #mw3 spoilers #mwiii spoilers #call of duty spoilers #cod 2023 spoilers #SO MAD!!!#but also #it was a cheap way to get more engagement with their fanbase and theyre technically protected against backlash so #poor writing for the win (again)

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colourprinter · 9 months ago

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Probably too personal thoughts, feelings, and ramblings around Our Wonderland

A couple of warnings, this will likely spoil all of Our Wonderland and this will likely get personal on the thoughts and feelings. It's a personal look (and total ramble) at this game more than anything.

If you haven't played or don't know what Our Wonderland is, I don't know how you found this but you can find it for free on this link.

To keep the spoilers hidden and to prevent forcing , I've put everything in the expand below.

I found this game from the Queer Halloween Story Bundle on itch, I was looking around what was in the bundle and enountered this game. I had already played a visual novel from the bundle that didn't gel too well with me so my hopes weren't too high.

I had no idea what this free game in a bundle had in store.

I was casual during the intro, I don't know when it hit but I knew I was locked in when act 2 hit and I saw what the meat of this game really is.

Something in this game sucked me right in, and wouldn't let me go.

I can't say I remember every detail but I was quickly emotionally invested, trying (and almost always failing) to keep Iggy alive and seeing how this friend group had completely gone off the rails, how their wishes twist around them.

Everything gave me the feeling I believe it was meant to, Gidget's advances on Iggy, Orlam, Buck's outright brutality, Genzou trying to get out alive while throwing the worst words at Orlam (I think he's just like that anyway) and Iggy having the worst time of his life.

While that doesn't sound like much, I don't usually get a reaction from a lot, the mix of visual and words hits just right... or wrong given how horrifying some of this is. Well, some things in the game would easily get a reaction...

For a bit of context for the next parts, I am aro/ace, something I truely discovered myself in the middle of a relationship, not that I hate being in a relationship but I think I'm completely incapable of feeling romantic love, there's just... nothing there. With being ace, I kinda resented the way my brain would react, litrally wishing sometimes that I was ace, glad I grew out of that for my own sake.

I also tend to feel awkward enough around sex in video games. I got goaded into the House of Hope scene, the first time the game crashed to save me and the second time I went dead slient and fixed my eyes down, only looking up enough to see the choices... I've now got an agreement to never have that happen again.

So obviously Gitget's sections got a big reaction from me, I thankfully haven't had any expriences close to anything like that, I could understand Iggy's perspective.

But enough about the horrible stuff for the moment, I'm not going to explain that, yes, seeing Orlam's and Buck's scenes were also shockers because eating human flesh and brutally murdering people are kinda bad things as well.

What I want to focus on next is something I currently only have one full perspective of, the romance. I usually verbalise everything to myself in RPGs and VNs, doing silly little voices for everyone (doing 6 children voices at the end hurt) so when I was given the choice of an ending... obviously, I chose the Genzou ending. Usually I'd feel awkward and stilted reading out the words but this time, it felt nice, I haven't done the other endings but I'm sure they're just as good, even if they're not, I got at least one good romance which given that this topples my fav VN romance (Slay the Princess which is pratically a joke romance anyway), I'm more than happy with it.

Niceness is over, I have another list topper, worst thing I've ever encountered in a video game, something so bad that even being foribly censored (I'm not checking if there's a visible version this time), it made me sick to my stomach. The tree and the infant in Her branches. Now I've played though and done some horrible things in video games, including child murder, but the way the body is described, the way everyone reacts to it. I can't call it anything below truely horrible and I'm putting this above freaking turn based RPG murdering children, I thought after that nothing would get me again (I think doing it actually knocked a screw loose because I've suddenly stopped being a goodie two shoes in video games, that's how bad that was). I mean this as a compliment but that is the worst thing I have ever encountered in any media.

And I think because I've felt these strong emotions where I haven't been hit so hard before, I've become completely pulled into it all. The fanwork contest was the first bit of my own art I put online in years and that kick started me getting back into art as a hobby, something I don't think I would have gotten back into if I didn't do that bit of Iggy art to prove to myself that I could do it if I put myself into it.

So... Carrot, thank you so much for this game of romance, fun, death and wishes.

If I land on my feet, I'd like to make a game with multiple acespec PoVs one day, much less horror though.

#our wonderland #ramblings #video games

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spockandawe · 2 years ago

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Binderary! I already spoiled how this went last night, but now let's review how it went with slightly nicer words and slightly nicer pictures. And, as a special treat at the end, I even have a spreadsheet.

Last winter, I expressed a vague desire to do a speed test, and see if I could sustain a pace of a book per day for an entire month. Text harvesting, typesetting, everything. This was at the stage where backing books was a terrifying leap of faith rather than a mildly tedious chore, and I'd never tried leather. I had a cricut, but had been too nervous to use it yet. And I did it! In fact, in pursuit of nice round numbers, I hit 30! I didn't realize, but the month wrapped right around my one year anniversary of starting bookbinding, and those projects landed me somewhere in the 130s of total books bound (my tracking spreadsheet has gaps and also needs a revamp).

This year, I had progressed a lot. I had gotten much more ambitious with my projects and was a MUCH better typesetter. I was confident I could hit exceed thirty, so instead I thought I would see how quickly I could do it. This was a fantastic plan, because work had me so exhausted and strung out that I accidentally started february a day early. Doing great. I pushed on so I wouldn't get an artificial rest and set my deadline at the 27th. Then.... in 13 days I hit 28, and all it took was one joking poke, asking if I thought I could average two books per day. It sank in. My brain ADORES ridiculous artificial conditions. I just Had to do it. I was emotionally invested. Anyways! I'm flirting with genuine burnout, but I DID IT, BABY. Last night I hit sixty!

SIXTY BOOKS! Five in leather! One in denim! One in velvet! Two edge marbled! One over a thousand pages! Three cnovels! All but one book cover done with my existing stash of paper, fabric, and leather! That one exception was tian ya ke where I knew which fabric I wanted, and I had precut pieces in my stash, but I wanted to fussy cut alignment on the fabric so I went out to buy more, hahaha

I did ease up my initial self-imposed rules a little, just because like forty books in, the concept of STORIES stopped meaning anything. I went hilariousuly numb. It's like semantic satiation, but for a concept. Stories? Never heard of em in my life. So when fics has multiple authors I wanted to gift them to, I made multiples and each counted as a separate book. Other books here were anthologies of a couple dozen stories, counted as one book. So I didn't stress it. I am legit more burned out than I wanted to be, I wasn't going to find EXTRA unnecessary reasons to push and make it worse. This was a fantastic achievement, and I'm really so proud of myself right now. My last svsss was book 201, and these are 202-261. This is just under a quarter of the books I've ever bound. I am EXTREMELY proud of this.

Now for dessert. SPREADSHEET. I'm redacting all the books and authors, because some of these are gifts and if i do decide to fully spoil the surprise, I'm at least going to do it with individual glamour shots. For now, this is what we've got. Please note the right three columns, where I tracked the total numbers of stories, words, and pages in here. Mistakenly saving the villain (part two) is the one that counts as 0 stories because it's split across two volumes, but everything else should make sense, I think. I did PRETTY DARN GOOD

#crafts #bookbinding #binderary #binderary2023 #i was going to start with glamour shots but then it got very overcast and rainy alas

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gloomyfilm · 2 years ago

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A LOVE LETTER TO THIS IS US 🍋💌☁️

/for full ambiant experience click on the audio before continuing\

I still can't believe two summers ago I decided to give This Is Us a try, fell in love and binge-watched the whole 5 seasons available.

Every night, I would get to cooking in a very romanticized fashioned way à la Nancy Meyers main character, pour myself a nice fresh drink as people still enjoyed the warmth of the early evening hours.

By the time dinner was ready, world would accordantly settle for peacefulness as I made my way to the couch to get all cozy and snuggly.

Here would begin, the events I was truly not prepared for..

In just under 2 episodes, I was now finding myself unexpectedly and completely invested, all thanks to the writers for having done such a terrific job on the dialogues, cliffhangers and time traveling. For approximately the next two weeks following, my nights were paced up by This Is Us and driven by my own hunger to find out: what on earth happened to the Pearson family?

From the very first episode, --- which features one of the most beautiful closing scene I've seen on television along Labi Siffre's song "Watch Me" --- up to the last episode of season 1, emotions would come to the surface, hitting a specific spot within me...

By episode 14 from season 2 it was clear, if not clear then, that the tissu box would be kept close by for the remaining time of the entire series.

Imagine some stranger dropping on you some hard facts about life, death, society issues, love, mental health... to sum it up: YOURSELF.

precisely, accurately and totally out of the blue. 😃

As the seasons went on, I was admiring how the flashbacks and foreshadowing started to merge all together into one. It would only get all the more brilliant with each new episode I was discovering.

The show succeeded in giving its audience a range of life observations to think about. Therapy-wise, if you couldn't afford a therapist, This Is Us was there for you. I still rely on and appreciate many of the thoughtful and life inspiring excerpts.

Moreover, it delivered the people with a brand new music playlist. Yes, another key element to all this greatness is the symbiosis between the storylines and the soundtrack. Hold my Spotify, to this day I still listen to the score in my bed, to meditate, to get dreamy. I've also come to discover wonderful artists and can hardly detach their songs from the show as it gave their melodies a new sense of clarity and depth.

When having finished the fifth season, I was desperate for more but afraid to google the show and potentially find out it had been canceled.... which is NOT what happened of course because we're talking about thee show that has garnered over 17 million views in less than 3 days for its trailer alone. alright lovelies?

And so just like that, comfortable in my bed and all up to date, the sixth and finale season of This Is Us was premiered in early 2022.

Only couple of months after having cried an ocean over its past seasons, -- if reminder was needed --, I emotionally began this last chapter of what felt in some parts like my own life portrayed on screen. ✨hopes were high - tissu box storage ran low.✨

Season 6 would open to a flashbacks filled episode echoing Season 1, already preparing us for closure and ultimately heartbreaks. Eventually some people were a bit disappointed by the simplicity of the final episode, but the last minute or so really brought it all up for me. It was ending, right there before our very eyes and it was beautifully executed. The ultimate disappointment would have been to not experience any shivers, but that never happened, the show always got in my feelings in one way or another.

The empty boxes of kleenex that I've been sitting on can testify, your honor.

Last but not least, an aspect of the show that I've truly enjoyed is that all characters and actors were given dedicated moments to shine.

The chemistry between them was real, felt and seen both on and off the big screen and that's precious. I miss this cast.

This year, just a few weeks away from my birthday, there'll be no new Jack Pearson butt to be seen, no mothering singing Rebecca, no anxious Randall, no queen Beth, no indecisive Kevin, no self sabotaging Kate and oh do I miss them all. But I am so grateful for the people behind this project and their creative genius that bought us such a magnificent television program. I had low expectations, it now holds a special place in my heart like no other tv series.

This Is Us did not just narrate a story about some random family, it narrated life authentically at its worst and finest. With poetry and grace, it presented different storylines for each and every single one of us to identify, it offered us our very own reflection, and an opportunity to change, learn, heal or grow. This is the reason why so many of us worldwide described it as close to home,

because This Is Us.

🎂 And a very happy (late) birthday to our boo Milo Ventimiglia (08/07/1977) 💘

#milo ventimiglia #mandy moore #this is us #tiu #tiuedit #i am so grateful for this #filmedit #doyouevenfilm #my gifs #mental health #televisongifs #jack pearson #rebecca pearson #Spotify

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paperlovesadness · 1 year ago

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I saw the Arctic Monkeys live... Almost two weeks ago now (crazy) and it did in fact take me this long to recover enough to write this. So here's some thoughts:

❄️🧊🐒🐒🐒🐒🧊❄️

Well first of all - context - it was a festival. And really not only was it a festival - it was my first festival. And not only was it my first festival - it was really my first live show of a band I cared for and listened to and specifically came to see. (I'm not a babeh nor a babby - I just listen to a lot of dead & retired musicians and AM was my first chance at a live gig that I really wanted to see). So this was like... Super special of an experience to me.

more context: I stood... Many many hours in the spot I secured almost as soon as I walked onto the festival grounds. And therefore saw them from second row. Up close. And... I'd do it again in a heartbeat (but it definitely isn't for everyone and please don't take this as advice and listen to what you yourself know about your body's limits).

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

✨Thoughts & feelings & observations✨ :

I've been fully validated in my love for TBHC & The Car.

I can now confidently say that I adore them as albums and also that they are show stealers to me personally in their live versions. They absolutely hold up live.

Listen - yes - the heavier more traditional rock albums full-on destroy live - and I definitely would've cried if I didn't get to hear the classics at my show. I jumped and screamed the lyrics and danced and played out the lyrics. But the songs I got from TBHC and TC? They HIT the most, emotionally.

Maybe it's because both of these albums are in my top 3 of the Monkeys albums in general - or maybe it's because Alex just resonates with them more currently therefore being able to emotionally invest more into them and then that coming across and affecting me. I don't know. I think it's both. And when Sculptures came around... PHEW

Which brings me to: Sculptures like absolutely destroyed me the most of the whole setlist -and I definitely wasn't expecting it.

It's not even my favorite song on The Car (though of course it is up there. And it also was the biggest WOW SHOCK for me on my first album listen). But something about his voice during that song. The emotions. The instrumentals. And the echo they had over all of it... Jeez, it was all just very intense.

Four out of Five.

Not a complete fan of the new arrangement... Because I worship TBHC in it's original form - but even so - that song still slaps in any form. And you best believe I was out there screaming all the verses like there's no tomorrow. It hurt my teeny tiny heart that this is now the lone setlist survivor off TBHC. But that just made me clutch it even harder and fully give myself to the moment. (TBHC we will avenge you!)

I think I just straight up dissociated at Do I Wanna Know.

Maybe I'm a basic bitch of a fan - but I WORSHIP that song and riff - and It was just such a symbol for me of getting to see them live. I imagined the moment he enters with his beautiful 12-string vox SO many times. And when the time came I just sort of... I didn't know what to do with myself. I sang along and tried focusing and registering it all - but it was too much; too much pressure on myself too - so my mind just seemingly floated away.

Generally the whole thing was such a hugely important event for me that I had trouble registering it as real and felt a bit "mind-floaty" through it all - but that memory is just THE BLURRIEST of them all. So you can say it's an intense experience witnessing that classic live 😂

Witnessing the whole process live made me realize just how exhausted the whole gang must be.

The night before I - of course - scoured all social media for info about their arrival and set up - and so I saw all the little info about them flying in, their bus and their equipment truck arriving, all that. Then I got a report from how the soundcheck went around noon. And since I stood 7 hours in my secured spot I also saw the entire setup process with so many roadies running around. Allll that contex kind of... Gave me a good feel for the time that goes into this. Time and work and travel - all of that for a 1,5 hour live show - and then on they go to the next. Let's please appreciate artists and understand when they do seem a little off. Touring seems like an energetic nightmare (and especially for introverts).

Speaking of roadies... I wasn't building too many expectations stage design-wise. And the EFFORT surprised me so positively.

So basically - I knew Glasto had the mirroball and all the bells and whistles. But we weren't as important of a festival. So there was no way of knowing. I truly full on expected a bare stage. For months I'd watch clips of their other shows and think "ah. Too bad we don't get the mirroball moment". I came to terms with it months in advance - and then when someone posted a blurry photo of the mirroball showing up I was in shock. I love how much this whole team cares. It isn't a simple task driving all these props around and setting them up - the ball, the ring, the lights, the curtains in the themed Car color palette. I very much wouldn't blame them for having a "light" version for festivals in particular - when the roadies have like 30-45 minutes to set everything up right after the previous act ends. But no - there's a vision and they stick to it consequently and they don't differentiate between types of shows. No compromises - 100% of what they've got. It's honestly just beautiful to me.

Alex was... So mobile.

He fully pranced around that stage in his little heeled boots (!!!) doing his little gags and knocking over microphone stands with the cord of his guitar. He made sure to cover the whole stage and acknowledge all sides of the crowd - and come back and give us all attention a few times throughout the show. And I love him for it.

Alex is completely mesmerizing.

Okay - I say that as a person who's completely in love with his mind and talent (and... the packaging... ain't bad 👀) - so I get I'm not a very reliable source. But guys... That kid is magic (I say as if he's not 9 years older than me) (he's still babygirl though) He just is. He grabs your attention with his energy and doesn't let go until you've let him out of your sight (not of your own accord). Disappears behind that curtain.

I tried checking up on the other boys through the show - Nick managed to hide at an angle that kept him pretty invisible to me, unfortunately :c. Matt was killing it - and I loved noticing how Jamie just... Sways back and forth. But listen - even when I meant to look towards them more during the show - my brain just completely didn't allow it.

(And yeah. I get that's the role of the frontman. But... Guess the thing is he just does it so well. It didn't come naturally to him - as we know. It takes a lot out of him probably each time. But the energy is just there. And he could stand all night long and just sing and I'd still be mystified).

I already fangirled internally like crazy when I saw their guitars being set up and tuned.

And then during the show - I caught myself guessing what songs they were gonna play based on the guitars Alex was picking up. And just being weirdly proud of myself.

Also... The Epiphone Coronet looks so tiny live? I don't know. But it seemed that way - and isn't a tiny guitar for a tiny kitten just the cutest thing?

I missed my moment 😪.

Which really wasn't too big of a potential moment - but between songs people would shout titles of songs they want to play - and you know. It was usually AM or maybe FWN stuff. And during one of those moments I felt an overwhelming urge to shout "Perfect Sense". You know... To show that fans are indeed also excited about the actual album this tour is about. I ended up deciding against it - and literally like two seconds later Alex picks up his acouie and announces Perfect Sense. I sensed that. I could've had Alex Turner knowing I sensed that. But alas. I ended up just enjoying it in peace 🥲.

I won't take any interaction-themed slander.

I feel like people who are used to a lot of band interactions often speak ill of Alex and think he's an ungrateful frontman. Which - well first of all is bullshit because I don't believe artists need to be saying a word - it's the music you pay for. But secondly - he may not be saying much - but the energy he exudes and the sincere way he says things... Well it says it all. I feel like you have to be there to feel that energy and understand - but to me it was palpable that he was grateful for the enthusiasm, happy to perform and generally very emotionally invested in everything he was doing.

And then he thanked us and sent kisses our way multiple times too. And called us a beautiful audience (stop it Alexander! We're blushing!)

His shennanigans!

He seemed very happy to have a runway to get onto and use for his bowling shtick (I feel like he immediately got excited seeing that stage at soundcheck probably when he realized he could use it in that way).

There were no birds around to control - but there was the weather. So he did in fact ask the skies to "turn up that wind machine" as it started blowing and made him look like a vision during Sculptures (guys, truly. Sculptures live is insane. I'll repeat it forever). (🎶 Those words don't mean a thing where I come from, but I'll sing them forever 🎶) (I'm sorry, I had to).

All the little over-the-top faces he makes to enact the lyrics are a bit too adorable and almost made my heart burst.

Like... The "wah wah" crying one at "I feel the tears are coming on"? What a geek.

(but then also... Who hurt you 👀 it definitely makes Body Paint seem even more bitter and like it's a jab at someone).

And then - if you've made it here - one last thing I'll share with you - a very important screenshot of my notes app where I quickly started scribbling my fleeting thoughts in the days following the show:

And I think that's the best way to sum up what one feels seeing the Man the Legend the Genius the Poet Alexander Turner in the flesh for the very first time.

#A BIG POST #Because - as some of you know - I can't really write small amounts of text #it's all or nothing baby #but I wanted to throw it out there - cause I personally love reading all of these post-gig posts #Thoughts thrown into the tumblr void!#//#my posts #AM gig #Arctic Monkeys #blog stuff

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parksprout · 29 days ago

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Sprout Journal 12/10/24

Good morning Tumblr! There's really not a ton to talk about lately, so I've been kinda bad at these! Life feels like it's returned to a sort of slow march instead of the very rapid changes I was experiencing at the end of October/start of November.

There's a few things I wanna talk about today!!! I wanna recap what I've been up to in life lately first, and then I kinda wanna just let my thoughts enter a flow state at the end - this isn't too different from how I normally make these journals, but I think a preface is good! It gives me an idea of what I'm working towards.

So frankly life has been a little bit boring here lately. Work has been too easy, school has wrapped up for 2024 (yippee!!) and I've really just been taking these past few days to breathe and relax. They haven't been exactly as relaxing as I would like unfortunately. I've been too caught up in my own head these days doubting myself and my progress. But that can come later! In terms of actual activities lately, there's not been much to speak on! I've been watching through BNHA a lot lately, I haven't been caught up on that show in actually years. I don't think I like it as much nowadays as I did when I was a kid, but that makes sense :3 I was a kid with different tastes and interests. I've also been trying to learn more about OBS and editing software for the last few days, which has been kinda frustrating!!

I discovered that the format with which I record content isn't compatible with the editing software I downloaded yesterday unless I purchase the full version, which I'm not so sure if I want to do yet. I would like to hit a point where I'm recording full YouTube videos and uploading them regularly, but is it worth that investment as a total beginner? It might be eventually, but I run the risk of this becoming a very expensive hobby very fast. Anyways I've gotta search around and see what I can do; can I convert the video files into a different format that is compatible, can I find a different software that works for my purposes? Idk yet!

I got my work schedule adjusted for winter break and oh my gosh, I get two off days every week and I get out of work by four pm while still hitting full time hours. It's going to be amazing to an extent I think. I am somewhat worried about myself though! I know I don't do so well with free time while I'm already feeling depressive, so it might not actually wind up being too beneficial to me? That sounds so sad honestly, getting the free time I've wanted for so long and not even being able to really enjoy it once it's here. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic because these two off days haven't been the best for me?

I really haven't done much in these past three days since my last journal! I do think I've been treating myself badly, though, which gets into what I wanna talk about as the venting portion of this journal.

I'm not treating myself very well these days. By that I mean I'm not giving myself the patience and forgiveness that I deserve and... I'm not really letting myself heal in healthy ways. It's hard to acknowledge this, but I'm probably emotionally abusing myself with how I'm reacting to this relationship falling apart. I went through all of the stages of grief. I think that denial occurred before the breakup, actually. I could feel it stirring for a month or so before things actually ended and... I tried my hardest in that time to show Aaron that I was a good partner. I didn't know what was making them pull away from me like I know now, but I tried to be an overachiever partner... I tried to fix the subliminal issues that I knew were annoying them but it was obviously too little, too late, and not even something that could've fixed us in the first place. Anger happened when I blocked them, when I stepped away from their life and told them that I couldn't be present as anything unless it was what I wanted. I let myself be immature in that moment and... I really regret the way I behaved in that moment. Really I should've acted entirely different that day, what I should have done is gone home and told them that we need to have a longer conversation about this instead of just... letting it all fall apart that fast. We might not have had a different outcome - I don't think that there are words that I can say to Aaron to convince them to try again whether it was then or now - but I would've liked to have handled it better on my end. Anger ended the fastest of all of the phases, three days later I was unblocking them everywhere.

Bargaining has been the hardest part of this. I've spent the entire last month bargaining... working my ass off to show them who I am, what I could be for them, and why I'm worth dating. The shitty thing is? I think I have shown them that I'd be an amazing partner... I think I've shown them that I am not the type of person to give up, that I don't want to give up on them or us. I have proven that I'm loyal, that I care about them, that I would be willing to make any sacrifice for a life together. The issue is that I can be as pretty, intelligent, hard working, loyal, dedicated, fun and compatible for them as I want but... if they don't want to risk a second chance, there's nothing I can do to change that. This all seemed to culminate with that big conversation we had almost two weeks back. We talked all night about us... about what is keeping Aaron back from trying again still, about the idea of moving on and also about how I'm going to keep showing them that I would be a good partner. The conversation ended in much of the same way that our other big talks have ended, with them saying not now but not never, and me saying that I'm ready for them always. As much as that conversation really was a positive one, I do think that it's at the base of where I'm at now.

I know that the actual stages of grief aren't meant to be used so literally. No one cycles perfectly through those five stages, and I know that I haven't been experiencing them exactly as defined either. But I do think that I've entered a big depressive phase myself, the only question really being whether or not true acceptance is even something I can achieve at the end of this.

I want to talk more about my thoughts about me and Aaron at some point soon, but I haven't really been able to formulate anything cohesive? It weirdly feels like we're in another strange moment of waiting, like we need to have another conversation sometime soon and... I feel like I need to know more about what Aaron is feeling about us, but I also don't want to bug him about it. I wish I was better at being patient and just.. seeing what can happen. I guess to a certain extent I am being better because I'm not harassing him for answers or asking how he feels about me every day? Anyways this journal feels barely coherent ugh. I am not very good at expressing my emotions these days unfortunately. The words are hard to find.

Bye tumbie, I love y'all a lot. Sorry that this journal entry isn't really like... anything?? It feels like a nothing entry.

#sproutposting #journaling #journal #sproutjournals

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moltengoldveins · 1 year ago

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so it’s been about a year and a half since Technoblade’s passing. I’m not ready to talk about it, but let’s be real. I’m never going to be. We have what we have when we have it, then it’s gone. I didn’t talk enough about him while he was here, so I’m doing it now.

I was really active in the MCYT fandom when I was younger, ages six to twelve or so. Then again for about three years before Techno’s passing, joining early 2019 as far as I remember. Techno was the first online figure I’d encountered with even a passing resemblance to my own sense of humor and philosophy on life. I respected him a lot, and grew to love the community because of the environment he cultivated. He was also a big figure in my journey towards realizing I was ace. I’m not about to speculate on him or his tastes, but he didn’t base his humor around sex or romance. He never really brought it up. He avoided the topic when other people did, and he was Still Funny. He was still loved and valued by his fans and community. That was really big for me. That someone could ignore all that stuff and still be loved. That Will and Tommy and such never made him feel lesser for being uninterested.

His character kept me invested in the DSMP. His humor helped me through the worst parts of Covid. I’d already read The Art of War, but his love for it made me appreciate it and the rest of the classics so much more. The stories and art, the music and headcanons, all of it irrevocably altered the way I tell stories and the way I view the world. He helped me articulate a lot of my moral code, and concretely understand a lot of my beliefs. His relationship with Philza, both in character and out, also helped me. I had no idea friendships could be that intimate without being romance, and my friendship with my best friend is significantly closer now. My family has lost a lot to cancer. At the time of Techno’s announcement, I’d recently lost a grandfather to lung cancer, my other granddad had just barely fought it off, and my aunt had dealt with blood cancer as a kid, leaving her incapable of having kids. I’ll admit: I panicked. I hated cancer with a passion and I still do: I couldn’t fathom loosing another person to it, public figure or otherwise. I was never allowed to interact much with the internet while I was a minor. By the time I wasn’t one anymore, watching fandoms from the sidelines had already become habit. I never stepped in, never commented, never sent any messages in chat. I think I did it to maintain emotional distance. I was there for years, every stream, every video, cheering and screaming and chanting with the best of them, but entirely silent. I only really got close to breaking out of that weird sort of limbo once. It was some random stream, late in his illness, when a timer went off for his meds. He ignored it, cracked a joke, and even though I was at work I spent the next ten minutes thinking about it. “Just go take your meds, idiot.” I kept muttering to myself. I think I scared a coworker. I had the chat open and my fingers on my phone when he noticed the rest of chat yelling at him and took them, so I didn’t say anything. I never did. I regret that immensely now. I wasn’t any further removed emotionally because of my distance. I just felt like I’d never done anything of value when I could have.

I don’t think I really… processed it. When he died. I wasn’t in a very safe environment anyway, as my family had no idea I watched his content, much less cared so much, so I couldn’t emote much externally. What was I gonna say anyway? “Oh, some random guy on the internet died of cancer and won’t be making stuff anymore, darn, what a shame.”

So I didn’t process it. I went on as normal. I didn’t engage with any media made after his passing and I let the hurt fester. Everything was ✨fine✨… and then a few months later, I got a call while at college, “Grandad has cancer again. He’s probably not going to make it this time.”

Yeah. Yeah that. That hurt. A lot. That semester became a painful mess of travel and sickness and missed classes and hard conversations with a dying man I still love more than anything. I was kicked out of my apartment without warning the day I got the call about his death. When I got the chance to breathe, it finally hit me, and I just sort of broke down. And the person I was grieving? Techno. Not my grandpa. Not at first. It was like I’d blocked the pipe up, and the first stuff to come out was the stuff that’d gotten stuck first. i sat down and cried about it. I reread Passerine for the first time since he’d announced the cancer. I started writing again on things I hadn’t had the heart to touch. I found Grandpa’s old dog tags and I haven’t taken them off since. It was… ok. I guess. But I still wouldn’t watch his videos. I couldn’t watch any of the other DSMP creators, especially not Phil. To be frank, I was also dealing with a lot of doubt in my faith at the time. Techno was the first person I’d ever known who died without being a professing Christian. I still don’t know what’s happened to him, and at the time I didn’t know what to do with that. I couldn’t tolerate the idea that, according to everyone around me, someone so funny and noble and kind and strong willed would end up parted from God or lost or whatever you think the afterlife might be for people who don’t ‘get everything right.’ And most of the people in my church circle are painfully callous when it comes to people who aren’t ‘in the right,’ who don’t die ‘correctly.’ I still don’t really know what to do with that, except for the fact that I hate it, and I don’t think it’s Christlike. I don’t think I’m going to find peace on that for a long while. I might wait until I die and see what happens. So I figured it was done and over. I’d been sad, I’d come to terms with it, I’d moved on. But I wasn’t… really acknowledging how much it mattered? And I wasn’t reengaging with the fandom at all. I assumed I never would. But recently, I made a friend. We’ll call her Jamie for privacy’s sake. Jamie’s really similar to me, but she’d never really interacted with the DSMP fandom. She was asking for fic recs and before I even thought about it I’d recommended Passerine. Then Bones in the Ocean. She loved them, then started asking who Techno was, so I mentioned the Potato Wars videos, and before I’d had the chance to flinch I was watching them with her, laughing and rolling my eyes and trying my hardest not to cry in front of someone who hasn’t the slightest idea why I’d be so emotional. But I watched them. And that evening I put a Philza stream on. I’m not done mourning Techno, the stuff he stood for, and the community he built around him. But I’m done hiding it. I’m sharing the art and the half-finished fics and the stuff I still laugh at years later. I’m gonna find time somehow to join Phil’s streams, and actually talk to people instead of watching from a distance. I’m gonna talk about it with people. I’m gonna buy merch. Because I loved him, in that same weird friend-brother-online-stranger way he seemed to love us right back, and I still do. He’s still here, in a weird way, making us laugh and cry and fight every battle with flawless confidence and our heads held high. It’s not easy, but he’s not dead until we let him stop. He’s not gone until we all decide he doesn’t matter anymore. And we’re Chat for crying out loud, that’s never gonna happen. Technoblade never dies.

#technoblade #long post #introspection #??? I guess #Again #i hope y’all are doing ok #Grieving properly #And living well 💜

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altschmerzes · 2 years ago

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if anyone has cats they would like to send me pics of i would appreciate that a lot i am having a very very fucking weird one right now and don’t really know what to do with myself.

the short version is: my dad died today. the long version is..... probably an absolutely ridiculous overshare but. like i said. don’t know what to do with myself so i’m just. idk im talking out loud i guess, putting this Somewhere. it’s. heavy, sorry.

so the post i made recently celebrating seven years going no-contact with my abusive father who kind of ruined my life in a lot of really serious ways i am likely never really going to completely recover from? yeah. he had a stroke earlier this year that sounded like it was pretty serious and that was a lot to process and then i just got the call from my mom that he had a heart attack while fishing with a friend this afternoon and died. apparently it was fast, which is good. he was fifty-five and i guess he’d just hit two years sober.

my mom sounded really upset on the phone, and i guess she’d only found out less than ten minutes before she called me, she just told my sister, who lives with her, and my sister went off to take a shower (read: have a breakdown in the shower), and then called me immediately and said “your dad died” as soon as i answered with a hey, what’s up. they’d been divorced for twenty years and he was a fucking bastard but i guess your ex-husband and your kids’ dad who you’ve recently been reconnecting with and spending time with again dies and you’re probably gonna have some strong feelings about it. my sister is in pieces, they’d reconnected and were spending a lot more time together. in their text they said ‘i barely got any time with him and i’m fucking heartbroken’.

and because he has no other living relatives my 23 year old sister who is uh, in a fragile state on the best of days, is gonna have to deal with all of the paperwork and shit that happens when someone dies. and my sister and i’s relationship is like.... it’s complicated, to put it politely, they are very hard for me to be around for a lot of reasons, but i wouldn’t wish that on them and i wish i was able to take on that stuff if only because i’m almost through law school and i’m the least emotionally invested in the man and it just would be easier for everyone if i did the paperwork and whatever.

and then there’s my brother, because i have a brother, who i barely talk about because it hurts to think about him. he’s nine years older than me and he’s my half-brother by my dad and after my dad went to prison on drug charges i didn’t see him for thirteen years. and then a long time after a brief visit too. he’s got two kids now, and for a while there we were in sporadic contact, but i haven’t seen or heard from him since i was maybe nineteen. and my mom was just kind of rambling on the phone about how she had to find my brother’s mother’s contact information because someone had to tell him and because i’m all the way out here and i can’t DO anything else i told her i’d find her and tell her what happened and get everyone’s contact information for whatever’s coming next so. now i’ve texted my brother, who is a living wound in my life, for the first time in like six years. he hasn’t answered yet and according to his mother he’s ‘devastated.’ so.

i’m not. i’m not devastated. i don’t know what i feel honestly. once i tracked her down on facebook and dealt with all of that i just sort of sat at the kitchen table and stared at the wall for a long time. listened to the mountain goats song ‘pale green things’ and drifted in a weird numb void. i’m not.... sad. not about him anyway. i don’t know what i am. i have a very difficult time articulating my feelings on a good day, fuck i mean i have a hard time identifying my feelings on a good day. some combination of autism and cptsd and the sense that if i have feelings someone is going to die, maybe me, maybe someone else. if i have feelings, i get someone killed, is the thought process, which is a long story but. is extremely hard to work around, especially when i don’t see the point because taking active steps to make my feelings known and make them something someone else has to deal with is like. what’s the point. why do that.

so i don’t know what i feel. i feel strange and distant and not-sad and kind of angry at my sister and brother for some fucking reason and guilty and resentful and relieved. there’s some relief in there i think, because it’s like. i don’t know. i had the thought earlier, ‘oh thank gd’ which is. it sounds heinous but i now i’ll never have to choose between attending my sister’s wedding and not having to see him there, if i go back to my hometown and feel like there’s a monster stalking me from the shadows i can just tell myself the fucking monster’s fucking dead and he can’t ever hurt me again. nobody in my family is ever going to be able to pressure me to just talk to him already, just move on and let it go. reconcile, forgive, get past it.

(i don’t know how much any of them know. i have never discussed this with my parents or my sister and i never plan to. we’ve talked about some things in vague euphemisms and talked around it even more. when he got out of prison and then when he was done stalking us which he did for a while and got some help i guess and was doing a bit better my sister wanted to reconnect with him and i didn’t. i had panic attacks, i was terrified, i didn’t want anything to do with him and i didn’t want my sister anywhere near him and i remember all my mom had to say to me about that was ‘if it makes you feel any better, i could take him.’ i don’t know what to... i just don’t know.)

i dunno. i don’t know. when i visited my hometown and stayed at my parents’ house (my grandmother’s house, when i say ‘parents’ i mean her and my mom generally) i slept with a knife on my bedside table and a plan of how to get out the window because i’d heard that he’d started dropping by sometimes and i was too scared to sleep otherwise. he terrorized me. i have very few memories from before he went to prison and most of them are of being terrified for my life. of being chased through the house, staying above the garage because for some reason we couldn’t be in the house that night. sexual abuse that i can still barely handle thinking about. he haunts my nightmares regularly, even though i haven’t seen or spoken to him in seven years, didn’t see or talk to him very often before that. i have panic attacks in my sleep dreaming about him, enough that i have to be medicated for it.

he’s a person who was deeply troubled and sick and suffered unimaginably in his life and it’s just.... i know all of that and i just. i don’t know. i hope he’s at peace i guess. i know he never was when he was alive. i know i’m not at peace most of the time, largely because of the shit he did to me. i don’t know. i don’t know. my dad’s dead.

#abuse cw #death cw #i dont know man. i dont even know.#csa mention #very briefly but. yeah. i dunno.#this is heavy sorry #long post

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