#i watched a video essay a few days ago that actually made everything make sense in such a satisfying way and i like the

[kfrances]

assorted afton kids

[moondustis]

love is not just a verb (m)

pairing: mark lee + reader genre: fluff, smut | word count: 3k summary: Fridays meant that the boy that had the butterflies in your stomach absolutely going crazy would be waiting outside for you, and you would finally be in his arms as soon as the teacher dismissed the class. 

College had a way of getting to you. The pounding headache and too stressed to function kind of way.

It’s not that you didn’t like your major or your classes, you loved them very much and each day you fell a little more interested on the subject you had decided to study. But it had been a long week, filled with too many assignments and a bad grade on a essay you thought you would do well, so your patience was running low.

And to make things even worse, it was a debate day. See, foreign affairs was a cool major and you were passionate about it, had chosen it for a reason after all, but debate days were just a completely different story. You had experienced a few on high school, but it didn’t come close to the complete chaos that happened when you put together a bunch of conceited college kids that thought they knew a lot about everything.

You watch with a scowl as the representative for China slams their hand on the desk and screams about how the girl that’s representing USA doesn’t know anything and should just shut up already. And that’s just a tame bit, you had heard far worst curses and offenses when the debate just got a little overheated, because if there was something your classmates didn't enjoy, was being wrong.

But none of that even mattered anymore because it was a friday and almost time for the class to be over. And fridays meant that the boy that had the butterflies in your stomach absolutely going crazy would be waiting outside for you, and you would finally be in his arms as soon as the teacher dismissed the class.

You had met Mark Lee two years ago, on freshman year. He was friends with Donghyuck, who was friends with Jungwoo, who happened to be your best friend and in the end it was probably meant to happen, because you kept seeing him at parties and sometimes at the library, with his cute eyes and even cuter laughter.

And bless the day Jungwoo had invited you to study together with some friends, including the one and only. You didn’t even care that you had accidentally spilled juice all over his unfinished paper, because that prompted your first actual conversation and well, the rest was history.

So you watched as the clock ticks too slowly, the heels you had to wear for this hurting just as much as the headache you had going on.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

And finally, you let out a deep alleviated sigh as the teacher tries to contains the class to wrap things up, but you don’t even bother to stay for that. Grabbing your things you practically bolt out the classroom, opening the door with eyes immediately searching for him.

You find him by the drinking fountain, looking at his phone with eyebrows furrowed and you swear your heart does somersaults in your chest by how cute he looks with round glasses and plaid shirt, a certain smile forming on your lips at the sight.

You basically skip on your way to him, his eyes as if on cue moving from the phone to find yours and he immediately mirrors your smile, locking his phone and putting it on his pocket.

“Hey, pretty girl.” He says when you stop just in front of him, scrunching your nose at the silly pet name before you press a quick kiss on his lips. “Another one, please.”

You grant his wishes, a hum forming in his throat as he thanks you with a small chuckle.

“Ugh, I’m so tired.” You mumble when he takes hold of your hand and the two of you start walking.

“How did the debate go?” The question is more out of his interest on the latest gossip then to know the reason behind your tiredness.

“God, a mess as usual.” He moves your arms a little as you talk. The day outside is still pretty, the sun of a late afternoon giving you exactly what you needed after a long week. “This girl called another one a dumb piece of shit and said she should just go back to her mother’s house and become a trust fund baby.”

He laughs loudly and it’s so contagious that you laugh too. “Oh my god, people really get crazy on those. Was it the same girl that cried last time?”

“Nope, that girl wasn’t even there today. I think she got traumatized.”

“Man, that’s crazy. I wish I could watch one someday.” He seems talkative today, as if sensing that you don't feel like doing it much yourself. “Oh, but good news. Hyuck is gone for the weekend so we’ll have the apartment to ourselves.”

You turn a little to look at him with excitement painted across your feature, letting him lead the way as you walk mostly blindly. “Really?”

It wasn’t that you disliked Donghyuck, but he had no sense sometimes, always trying to sneak into your movie nights with your boyfriend. And there was just something about having to kiss quietly because there was someone sleeping on the other side of the room that bothered you to no end.

“Yup, we can be as noisy as we want.” He teases and you only lead it on by raising your eyebrow suggestively.

“I’ll hold you to it, Mark Lee.”

-

You sigh a little bit too exaggeratedly when you finally remove your heels, the satisfaction of finally stepping on the cold floor with bare feet almost sending shivers down your body.

Mark chuckles as he locks the door, then leans down to remove his own sneakers. “Want me to massage your feet later?” He asks and you coo.

“Such a good boyfriend, you are.”

A kiss to your lips. “Only the best for my queen.” It was something that became an habit for the both of you, to joke about corny couple things because it made both of you cringe, but it had been ongoing for so long that sometimes it came naturally.

Snickering you make your way to the living room, stretching your arms above your head and resisting the urge to just plop down on the couch in the middle of it. Mark shared a small two bedroom apartment with Donghyuck and it was what you would think a place shared by two college male students to be like. But today it was neater than usual, meaning he probably cleaned for your visit.

“Can I borrow a t-shirt?” You ask as he walks into the kitchen, a counter separating the two of you. “These clothes are not comfy.”

He just hums, going through the cabinets looking for something. probably dinner.

In his room, you remove the outfit you always had to wear for special matters, such as debates, that consisted of a button up and a pencil skirt and it made you feel like a business woman, but it was far too uncomfortable. You fold it neatly on the chair he used as a rack, your bra coming after and making you sigh again at the heavenly feeling of finally letting your boobs rest.

“Do you want ramen for dinner?” He asks from the kitchen, a bit loudly so you would hear.

He was far from a great cook, but ramen was something he knew how to do well. “Yes, please.” You reply, sounds of pots clinking together following right after.

Digging through the very unsettling and messy wardrobe Mark kept, you look around for something to wear and settle on a sweatshirt with the words AMOUR on it. It’s comfy and runs a little big even on himself, so it covers enough to make it decent for you to walk around in just it and panties. Not that Mark would care otherwise.

When you walk into the kitchen he’s about to put the raw ramen on the boiling water, sneaking a glance at you and smiling. “Looking cute.”

You look down in a fake bashful way, playing with the hem of the sweatshirt to emphasize. ”Thank you, baby.”

He mutters a little ‘so silly’ as you hug him from behind, basking in the scent that was imprinted on your mind by now, something that was very close to clothes softener and the perfume he used. “Think we can finish Itaewon Class today?” His chest moves a little where you have your hand folded on it as he speaks.

“If someone doesn’t fall asleep.”

He snorts, the sound of boiling water filling the room as you keep your head pressed on his back. “Please, we both know that someone will be you.”

In your defense you had been very tired the five times it happened. “I won’t today, promise.”

“Uh-hum.” It’s obvious that he doesn’t trust you one bit.

When the ramen is ready you eat it in the couch while watching the drama you both had been addicted to and trying to finish for weeks now. It’s nice, something you had been waiting for all week and you feel a weight leave your body when the ramen is finally over and you can lean into Mark’s chest as he cuddles you. The sky starts to turn pink and orange outside and you couldn’t feel more content.

—

You wake up surrounded by warmth and it takes you a few seconds to realize that you’re not in the living room anymore, instead you’re squeezed in Mark’s tiny bed with your body feeling lethargic from your nap. Blinking your eyes open you are met with darkness, the only lights coming from his phone and the lamp he kept on the bedside table.

“W-What time is it?” Your voice is hoarse and it makes him chuckle.

“It’s almost nine, miss ‘I won’t fall asleep this time.”

“Sorry, I was tired.” You mumble out, groaning when you move to drape your arm on his torso in an attempt to hug him closer. It was a really tiny bed, so being this close was a necessity.

‘Mhm, M just teasing, baby.” He pats your head gently and you almost fall asleep again from how warm you feel and how soothing the slow rise and fall of his chest is. But the thought of finally being alone in his dorm is present on the back of your head, so you try your best to keep your eyes open.

Wiggling around a little you try to get his attention but he just continues patting your head, focus on his phone as soft guitar sounds come from it. “What are you watching?”

He turns the screen so you can see it, a man playing a guitar just as you thought. “He’s teaching that song I talked about.” He talked about a lot of songs so you just hum, letting him finish his video and making do with the hair stroking he will give you for now.

It’s really hard not falling asleep with the soft song but you manage and after some time he finally locks his phone and places it on the side, finally giving you the attention you deserve.

You hum pleased when he turns to cuddle you into his chest, surrounding you by his scent and body heat. It’s a place you think you would happily live forever in. “Hmm, really nice.”

He laughs a little, pressing you closer and that’s when you feel it. His hips press to yours and there, almost against your center, you can feel what is unmistakably his hardness and if you weren’t so lazy you would have reacted with a little more enthusiasm. Instead what you say is “Are you hard right now?”

He probably blushes but you can’t see it. “Yeah.” He exhales because there’s no point in hiding it.

“Why?”

Groaning, he hugs you tighter. “I don’t know. It felt good to have you pressed against me, I guess.”

Your turn to chuckle now. “You’re such a sap.” And then “But I think I’m a little horny too.”

It was just a small feeling in the pit of your stomach, but still it was there. That’s what being in bed with your hot boyfriend did, you guess and the way he felt against you helped.

“Yeah?” He asks in a whisper, turning to hover over you. There’s no seductiveness in his tone, just the genuine interest in his girlfriend being horny and the proposition of sex.

You hum, arms sliding to his neck so you can finally kiss him. It starts with just the press of your lips together, moving in a pace that suits the moment, but when his bottom lip fits between yours, you suck on it lightly, before you’re giving it a kittenish lick that is just enough to have him parting his lips.

His tongue slides against yours in languid motions, the taste that had become so familiar filling your senses and that would be enough by itself but he’s too eager. The hand he slides down to rest on your waist sends shivers down your body that are increased infinitely when his hips are pressing down to yours.

The thought of him hard underneath the low sweatpants he has on makes your mouth almost water, a moan escaping it and he seems to mimic the sensation.

It’s suddenly too hot in the room so you take your sweater off, throwing it somewhere in the room as he groans at the sight of your naked chest. “Fuck, I’m so hard right now.” You almost tease about how you can feel it,  but he busies your mind by moving his head down and pressing open mouthed kisses all over your chest, free hand squeezing a boob softly, because he knew how sensitive you were, and his tongue darting out to flick at your nipple before he’s sucking on it.

“Mark, oh my god.” You breath out a moan, back arching a bit from the bed and he just urges you on by slowly moving his hand down until he’s where you crave him the most.

His hand dips inside the cotton panties you had on, two fingers going to your entrance and dipping inside. “Wet already?” He says around a pleased smile.

“S-Shut up, you got hard from cuddling.” And he just chuckles, fingers sliding up again so he can press them to your clit in a way that makes you part your lips a little in a silent moan.

“No, I got hard because you’re hot.”

You huff as he gives the first roll of his fingers. “Ah — Yeah, right.”

“It’s true.” Bringing his face to level with yours again he presses a kiss to your lips. “You’re so fucking hot, baby. Kinda drives me crazy.”

And he kisses you like he means it, your tongues lazily gliding as he flicks on your clit with the sole purpose of driving you mad, even more when he dips one finger inside, then two, curling them up as he opens you up for what you really want.

The warmth in you lower belly just gets more and more intense, your hands grabbing at his nape. “I’m ready, please, just fuck me.” You gasp around his mouth at a purposeful press of his fingers.

His movements stop, hand blindly opening the drawer in his bedside table in search for what you hope is a condom. “God, since you asked so nicely.”

He lets out a relieved breath when he finally finds it, pushing the sweatpants down along his boxers with your help and the sight of his erection in his closed fist makes you clench around nothing. “Here. Let me.” You offer, taking the condom package from his free hand and opening it with ease. “Let me do it.”

He drops his hand so you can roll it down on his length, a hiss on his lips as he uses the moment to slide his t-shirt off. “Y-You look good with my dick on your hand.”

That makes you chuckle but both of you know there’s a blush on your cheeks. “Will look better with it inside me.” And that’s what it takes from his to slide his hands to your thighs, parting them so he can fit in between and at the feeling of him sliding against your wet folds you bite your lips.

It’s always an overwhelming feeling when he gets inside of you. Not too big that you can’t take it, but enough to leave you with the feeling of being full that you love. “Shit baby, I really—” He murmurs when he finally thrusts all the way inside, your nails marking his back in your state of pleasure “really love your pussy.”

The things he said were enough to make you feel a wave of the feeling you were chasing wash over your body. “Then fuck me.” You exhale, because two could play a game. “I want you so bad.”

And he gives it to you, with slow snaps of his hips that feel just a little calculated but much more messy, like he can’t really control himself. And you love it, feel him hitting deep inside of you with each thrust and when he’s finally able to hit the one spot that has you seeing stars, you cry out his name.

“T-There? ”His hips punctuate the words and all you can do is moan quietly as he fucks into you. You watch through hooded eyes as he brings his thumb to his lips, wetting it before pressing it in your clit.

It doesn’t take you long to come with the way his hips move against yours and with the fast circling of his thumb on your clit. “Ah, Mark. I — I’m — Fuck.” The last words is elongated as your orgasms crashes down on you, your entire body tingling and back arching from the bed.

He continues thrusting into you, movements faltering from how you clench around his dick as wave after wave of arousal makes your body shake in his hold. “Shit, shit. You feel so fucking—” A pained groan leaves his lips accompanied by a wet gasp “Ah, so fucking good. Think about fucking you all the time.”

His confession only makes you clench harder and that’s what it takes for a deep moan to come out of his chest, hips faltering as his cock pulses inside of you and he empties himself inside of the condom.

With his head dropping to your shoulder he tries to calm his breathing down as you run your hands soothingly on his back. He always got too cuddly after sex, so when he slips out of you with a hiss, throwing the condom out and tucking himself back into his pants, you’re already waiting with arms open for him to plop down his head on your chest with a huff.

Your hand slides to his head so you can stroke his hair and he almost purrs, pressing a kiss to the underside of your boob. “Think I’m getting hungry again.” He mutters absently.

“Me too. Maybe we can order pizza.”

You feel his smile pressed against your chest. “Love you.”

And that's when you love to hear it the most, when it's just the two of you and the world outside feels very far away. "Love you too, Markie."

[theheroheart]

New Years Meme 2020

@arqueete:  “This survey is a meme that has been passed around among my friends since back in LJ days. If you want to join in, please consider yourself tagged.”

I used to journal more, and stuff like this is really nice to look back on, because I have terrible memory for life stuff or the passage of time. So here, for future me.

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? Uhhhh wear a mask to the grocery store? This was not a groundbreaking year for new experiences.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? I didn't have any. I don't make any. I mean, sometimes I make them in the vague "I want to focus on this in the future", but I'll already have forgotten by March, like I don't really PLAN my life in such a way. I just have goals that aren't tied to specific points in time. You get there when you get there, and you choose what you want to prioritise.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but my brother got married, which was very exciting because he's 40 and has never had a girlfriend who he considered important enough for me to meet. (And my sister-in-law is delightful.)

4. Did anyone close to you die? My (half-)brother's dad died a few weeks ago (cancer), but I didn't really know him, so I wouldn't say he was close to me. I did spend almost a week at my brother's place to be there for him though. And honestly, I kept thinking about how my mom's dead this year, because in a way I'm glad we didn't have to deal with this year together. She already died from respitory failure, had poor impulse control and sense of safety, and I would've been CONSTANTLY worried about her.

5. What countries did you visit? I was gonna go to Malaysia (for my brother's wedding celebration), but that didn't happen. (Flatmates were gonna go to Japan.) So. Yeah. Home country all the way.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? A driving force to move forward in my life?

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't think... that there is one specific day? I guess the US election? Despite me being Norwegian, it's still fairly historic.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? /stares blankly at the wall I did do some nice art pieces? I coped? I managed to have good times and make friends despite everything else.

9. What was your biggest failure? I dropped out of two classes specifically because I couldn't do remote learning and self-structured study (BECAUSE ADHD YO), even though it wasn't even that HARD subjects, which was very frustrating. It hasn't set my study plan back, thankfully, but it still felt like a waste.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Only mental. And thankfully not as bad as it could've been, but hell yeah there was some strong anxiety in there.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I've bought some great video games this year. Animal Crossing brought 250 hours of fun, Hades brought 100 hours so far. Good investments.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? // 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Both of these are related to pandemic behavior so I think you can guess.

14. Where did most of your money go? Entertainment? Also, god, I spent so much money on theatre tickets that are now just vouchers for non-specific future performances. I'll get my money's worth eventually, but right now it's hundres of dollars worth just sitting in vouchers. OH, and, digital D&D books.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had tickets for Chess. Several tickets, for multiple performances. STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THIS PRODUCTION THOUGH. But they're still doing it so hopefully it will still happen.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? Not sure I have any specific ones, actually. No iconic music.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Last year I was feeling very accomplished. I was challenging myself, had befriended lots of classmates, had gotten through some stuff I was quite proud of managing. This year has been... not that. But on the other hand, I'm not as exhausted from school stuff, and I'm ready to actually go places and try to do things, as opposed to just wanting a month long nap.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? General life maintainance stuff. Not just school work, but like, focus more on money sensibility and try to get on disability, go to the dentist, work with my doctor more... All of that got a little bit just... postponed indefinitely.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Uh, can't think of any notable negative behaviour. It's mostly stuff I didn't do. Like, I had some bad anxiety in the spring, but honestly I think I did an appropriate amount of worrying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Had my first christmas with my flatmates (whom I love very much), and had my dad over as well. It was very lovely, and socially way less draining than usual.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? lmao I'm aromantic

23. How many one-night stands? lmao I'm asexual

24. What was your favorite TV program? There were a few this year! Good Omens, The Queen's Gambit, Julie and the Phantoms, Avenue 5. There were more I watched and enjoyed, but I think those stand out the most. Also, does Critical Role count? OH, The Baby Sitters Club! A lot of good stuff.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nah. I don't hate a lot of people.

26. What was the best book you read? Don't think I read anything notable this year. Don't read a lot of books, I prefer to consume stories in other media.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Julie and the Phantoms. Not because the music is astounding or anything, but it was very feel-good and fun. Don't think I had a lot of new music.

28. What did you want and get? D&D campaigns? Have gotten really invested in one of them in particular, it's delightful.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Hmmm. The only one that stands out was The Old Guard. I watch more series than films. 2 hours isn't long enough for me to get properly invested AND satisfied.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33 and I don't know that I did anything special. I think I just chilled? Flatmates made me a nice breakfast!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having the energy for essays/exams, probably. Just feeling like I actually had some accomplishments. OR LIKE. If Norway did like New Zealand and just wiped the virus out.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Pyjamas. Occasionally 'apocalypse chic'.

34. What kept you sane? My flatmates and my dad. Reliable social interaction with people I care about.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Matthew McNulty, which applies to every single year. But this year I started both a gallery website and a discord server for him, so it was a particularly good year for him.  (Special mention to Paul Spera, who I finally talked to face-to-face, through Zoom, but still.) Also I'm using 'fancy' platonically.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Ha aha hah all of them, oh god. BLM, probably, though. That was when I still had the energy to get invested.

37. Who did you miss? So many people. Like, come on. I don't know that it was even specific people so much just... being in a group? Like, my choir gang?

38. Who was the best new person you met? Met a guy I ended up playing a LOT of board games with. We haven't really talked in a few months now tho. And there's a friend I didn't MEET this year, but I really connected with, who's also now my DM, which was really nice.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: It's not necessarily new knowledge, but this year has really driven home the need for both community solidarity and governmental support/leadership.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I'm alone in my apartment, that means I can do anything / I'm not wearing pants (alone in my apartment - Brian David Gilbert)

Summary: It's been a conflicted year, a lot has felt like it's been on stand-still, but there's still been some good things in there.

[amphtaminedreams]

Film Tier Ranking 2019: A Bad Year for Bird Films

Hi to anyone reading,

I’ve finally put it together: my 2019 film tier ranking! I know tier rankings are a bit 6 months ago but seeing British crisps sorted into god, good, mid and shit tier all over Twitter, the format really resonated with me and I was like I MUST USE THIS AT SOME POINT! And I guess since there probably isn’t much of an audience for crisp tier rankings on Tumblr, it makes more sense for me to do it with films instead, especially as doing a 2019 year in film review was something I previously claimed I would do; here’s to 2020 and following through on my proposals.

I think 2019 in general was an okay year for film, with the end of the year definitely outselling the beginning. One thing to bear in mind is that a lot of films that I would’ve been able to see in 2019, I.E Little Women and Parasite, didn’t come out until 2020 in the UK so they won’t make it onto this year’s list. It’s not a snub by any means. I more fall in line with the Elsie Fisher Film Awards school of thought than the Oscars, which have yet again disregarded several incredible performances this year: Florence Pugh in Midsommar, Taron Egerton in Rocketman, Lupita Nyongo in Us, and of course, Greta Gerwig’s direction of Little Women. I’m sure there are many more but those are the first few that come to mind. Oh to be in 2017 when nominations made fractionally more sense.

This list also includes films that weren’t necessarily released this year, but that I just got around to watching; there were a couple of disappointments but also a lot of films I can’t believe it took me this long to finally watch and have definitely made their way into my favourites. My goal for this year is to get through even more of the films on my verrrry long Letterboxd watchlist, and more specifically, watch said films without going on my phone, which is a really bad habit of mine. I find it hard to sit still! Let me live! 

I also want to try and put aside my prejudices about visual quality and watch more pre-2000s movies this year; it’s really bad but I never managed to get more than half an hour into Psycho, of all films, solely because I couldn’t deal with the black and white. In 2020, I am going to stop being a whiney Gen Z/cusp millenial-er and give older films the chance they deserve.

So, without further ado, here is my film tier ranking of everything I watched in 2019! If you make it til the end and have any thoughts or disagreements, let me know. I love to hear other’s opinions and get new perspectives on things and am totally open to any criticism. Happy reading:-)

God Tier

Knives Out (Rian Johnson, 2019)

Knives Out. What a film.

I feel like I waited forever to see this at the cinema. They must have started showing trailers for it in, like, August, and I had to wait til mid-November to see it. How are you gonna just dangle a film with Toni Colette and Lakeith Stanfield in my face and then make me wait 3 months? Totally unethical.

But that being said, when it finally came around and I did see it, as much as I love Toni and Lakeith, there was one stand out and it wasn’t either of them: ANA DE ARMAS. I have to admit I’d never heard of her before but she acted the shit out of a role I feel I’d ordinarily find irritating and gimmicky. Daniel Craig, whose character seemed annoying as fuck in the trailer, was actually surprisingly funny.

Stylistically, it was a very cool film and I liked the subtle commentary on class that was running throughout. Also, I thought the ending was very clever. My issue with a lot of whodunnits is that they just pick someone who doesn’t make sense for shock factor *cough, Bobby Beale in Eastenders, cough* but the shocks here were more in the details. 

Hustlers (Lorene Scafaria, 2019)

There wasn’t one single moment of Hustlers I didn’t enjoy and it’s quite amazing that there wasn’t one single point in this film about strippers that I felt gratuitously sexualised women. THAT is why you fund female directors. It made the whole thing look like a calculated art form, which I think the unsexy amongst us can all agree that it is. Constance Wu was a fantastic lead, J-Lo was kind of robbed for a supporting actress nom, and Keke Palmer and Lili Reinhart were hilarious too. 

Midsommar (Ari Aster, 2019)

Midsommar was such an experience that it took me a good few days afterwards to decide whether I actually liked it. I saw it the day it came out because I loved Hereditary so much and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I kind of had an idea of the way it was going to go, we could all kind of guess evil cult was the route that was being taken from the trailer, but I just didn’t realise quite how weird it’d get. 

The gore was great, the visuals were stunning and the character arcs were surprising and for that reason, I think this is another game changer for horror from Ari Aster. I didn’t love it like I loved Hereditary but it continues to play on my mind and 7 months later I still can’t resist a good “Things you Missed in Hereditary” or “Hereditary Themes Explained” Youtube video essay. That’s how you know a film fucked with you and that’s the ultimate goal of going into a horror for me. Put that on my headstone after I inevitably get myself into some mortally dangerous conflict because I want to “get fucked with” a little bit.

Booksmart (Olivia Wilde, 2019)

So here’s the thing with Booksmart: I was getting progressively more and more drunk throughout it so I might be a little biased when I say I loved it. That being said, worth revere seems to be a commonly held opinion so I’ll stick to my guns. Plus, movies like this, which just focus on girls living their lives, are few and far between. Why have we had to wait THIS long for the female Superbad?

IDK. But Kaitlyn Dever, Beanie Feldstein and Billie Lourd proved it’s definitely a genre worth investing in so hopefully we see more lighthearted female-led coming of age comedies. One Ladybird per year isn’t enough for me.

The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos, 2018)

I included The Favourite in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch that I made earlier this year so I don’t have all that much to say about it that I haven’t said already. To summarise, it’s an instant classic: the cinematography, the cast, the lines, it’s all perfection. 

Suspiria (Luca Guadagnino, 2018)

I also included Suspiria in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch list so sorry if I’m repeating myself, but I adored everything about it. If I had to sum it up in one sentence I’d say divine feminine energy, but inverted. Plus ballet. That dancing scene in the mirrored room will probably never leave my mind (if you’ve watched it, trust me, you’ll know the one I'm talking about), and if there were awards given out for creepy montages in horror, this would win all of them. It still blows my mind that Tilda Swinton played 3 characters in this film; 2 of them are so distinctly different, if anyone put two and two together without prior knowledge of this fact then I’ll blow my own head up too. This is why I got so mad when there was all that discussion around her being the new female Doctor Who and there were people asking who she was. How can you not know who Tilda fucking Swinton is!? She’s a legend! 

Sorry, is the wannabe film snob in me showing?

Annihilation (Alex Garland, 2018)

Though I initially watched it because it’s branded as a horror, Annihilation ended up being a surprisingly introspective take on human nature and our self-destructive tendencies. Nothing really went the way I expected it to, even though I was constantly trying to guess that trajectory from beginning to end. 

Visually, Annihilation is magnificent. Like, it’s tense, and where exactly the plot is going is shrouded in mystery, but most importantly, it’s super fucking pretty. Sure, the only thing that was mildly horrifying was the *SPOILER* end result of that bear scene but I didn’t mind too much because there was always that edge-of-your-seat possibility something like that would happen again. 

Also I realised that Gina Roduriguez is really hot in this! I would just say in general but that video of her saying the n-word kind of took away shot at real world magnetism. WHY SUCH A SHITTY APOLOGY VIDEO!? WHY?!

Assassination Nation (Sam Levinson, 2018)

So I didn’t clock until I was looking up directors that Sam Levinson, Euphoria director, also directed this, and suddenly everything makes sense in the world. They both have that dreamlike, exaggerated feel that perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster that is being a teenager, only in Assassination Nation obviously the threats are a bit more...tangible. As in its actually other people trying to kill our protagonists this time round, not just angst. 

Not gonna lie, it’s not a patch on Euphoria because that show is probably the best thing I watched all year, but I did thoroughly enjoy it, even if I did feel the social commentary, despite how in your face it was, got a bit lost in translation at times. I think it’s the kind of film that, once again, would’ve felt more genuine coming from a female director, however that’s not to take away from how witty, modern, and completely relevant it still is as we move into 2020.

Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley, 2018)

Right. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Why don’t more people talk about this film? Like it has Tessa Thompson and the world’s best earrings! Lakeith Stanfield getting more than 10 cumulative minutes of screen time! Armie Hammer being that bitch we all knew he was irl (probably)! Scathing critiques of late stage capitalism! It’s insane, in the absolute best way.

SPOILERS AHEAD: I had a mini paragraph written about the last hour of the film and the descent into pure unadulterated chaos, and how it’s like, the internet’s best kept secret, because ordinarily you lot can’t keep your mouths shut about a film or TV’s shows most crucial reveals for more than 5 minutes and THEN...My FBI agent must be feeling real cheeky because THIS tweet pops up on my Twitter timeline. 

Fuck this shit, I’m out. Onto the next film. MI5 stop peeping my drafts. 

Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham, 2018)

I don’t want to repeat what I said about Eighth Grade in my 50 Films you Should Watch list but Elsie Fisher’s performance in this is why I wish the Oscars also had some kind of rising star award category à la the BAFTAs. Honestly, every 13/14 year old should watch this; it’s a reminder that although feeling like an outsider is by its nature quite isolating, it’s prolific enough that a 29 year old man, 10 years out of “high school”, gets it.

American Animals (Bart Layton, 2018)

My sister and I absolutely loved this film so you can image our disappointment when we turned round to our parents at the end and our enthusiasm wasn’t matched...as in, I’m pretty sure they were both asleep for a lot of it. WHICH I DON’T GET. Because to me, there wasn’t a dull moment. American Animals is what happens when a group of university age boys with the finesse of the American Vandal Turd Burglar try and apply that to an Evil Genius stye heist, part Netflix, talking head abundant documentary, part live-action film. Splicing a stylistic reenactment with interview footage of the men who really attempted to commit the crime elevated what I probably would have put in the Good Tier™ to the God Tier™; seeing the guy Evan Peters is playing alongside Evan Peters playing him, now only the remnants of the arrogance we see in the reenactment left behind, sharply reminds you of the fall from grace these boys deservedly went through. Plus Barry Keoghan from The Killing of a Sacred Deer is in it, proving that unsettlingly stiff is NOT in fact his natural state. 

Gerald’s Game (Mike Flanagan, 2017)

I wish there was a shorthand way to say I wrote about this in my 50 Films You Should Watch list so I’m gonna keep it short but here we are! This was great! If The Haunting of Hill House isn’t proof enough, Gerald’s Game (not to take away any credit from Stephen King) is a reminder that Mike Flanagan is the king of subtle, niggling sensation in your stomach that something is about to go very wrong horror. I hear he and Ari Aster have a timeshare situation going on with the crown.

The Ritual (David Bruckner, 2017)

Okay, so this is the film that made me realise we should all be very scared of forests. Nope, all the documentaries into the Aokigahara Forest weren’t enough, apparently. I subjected myself to this too, as if my unfit, cold-blooded, bug-fearing, scared of the dark ass doesn’t already have enough concerns about my survival odds in the great outdoors. 

Really though, setting aside, this film maintains the sense of dread throughout and keeps you guessing what’s going on until the very end. Much like The Descent, the group dynamic and characters are realistic enough that it adds to the believability of a scenario I, in principle, know would never happen to the extent that I might keep away from vast, wooded spaces for a while just in case.

Dumbo (Tim Burton, 2019)

If film Twitter came across this post and saw I’d placed Dumbo in a higher tier than If Beale Street Could Talk I can only imagine the outrage. And sure, the latter is probably a much higher quality film. But sometimes a movie, for reasons you can’t quite put your finger on, gets you right in the sweet spot, and Dumbo did that for me. Maybe it was that the CGI elephant reminded me of my cat (I know, leave me alone), maybe I was emotional that day, I don’t know, all I know is that I cried like 5 times and was smiling for the rest of it-to be fair, the exploitation of animals for our entertainment is something that is still very much going on and that was something that was playing on my mind a lot whilst I was watching it. IRL Dumbos should be free too. Dumbo rights.

The VVitch (Robert Eggers, 2016)

This film taught me that there’s nothing wrong with joining a coven of young witches and getting naked and levitating around a fire. And that’s an important life lesson. Plus it gave us the quote “wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”, which is not only so perfectly creepy and simultaneously empowering that I had to get it tattooed but also, created ASMR. I just made that last bit up obviously but Black Philip getting his own ASMR Youtube channel?

The Descent (Neil Marshall, 2006)

For me, much like The Ritual, The Descent is a perfect horror film: it’s got the ghouls but the situation the characters find themselves in is also terrifying by its own merit. The reason The Descent made it onto my 50 Films list and the Ritual didn’t is because, let’s be honest, it’s 2020 and you can get mobile signal in most places. You could probably at least make a 999 call if you got lost in a forest. If you DID get stuck in an underground cave and it collapsed in on itself, you’d be pretty fucked; the idea of it makes me shudder and I will never set foot in an underground tunnel at any point in my life for any amount of money EVER after seeing this. Also, the women in this are great and the creatures in this are genuinely quite terrifying, especially the first time you see them. 

Chicago (Rob Marshall, 2003)

Ah, Chicago, the last film on the God Tier™, proving that this list is in no particular order. Because WHAT A FIM. WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS MORE?! Like don’t get me wrong, I know it deservedly won Best Picture in 2003 but I’m talking about right now! I mean, fucking Titanic is still out here getting referenced left, right and centre and yet Chicago gets paid dust! Can you tell I’m mad and that I think Titanic is hugely overrated?! Is that maybe coming across?!

ALL the songs are bops, Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot (I saw someone on Letterboxd say that Catherine Zeta-Jones in this film was their bisexual awakening and honestly, if I hadn’t already known I was a raging bisexual, same, because I FELT things in that All That Jazz opening) and Cell Block Tango is the revenge fantasy anthem I never knew I needed. Smart, tongue in cheek, beautifully shot and makes men look like little bitches which is probably why my dad hated it but what did I expect.

Good Tier

Zombieland: Double Tap (Ruben Fleischer, 2019)

Onto the first film of the good tier, Zombieland: Double Tap definitely exceeded my expectations. I was super worried about the prospect of a sequel as I love the first one so much and assumed it would be crap. Obviously, it doesn’t match up to the original because the original WAS so original, but it was still a fun, easy, witty ride. And I was SO glad they didn’t *SPOILERS AHEAD* kill off Tallahassee at the end because I really thought that was coming and it seemed so predictable and unnecessary. Highlight was the introduction of the lookalikes at Graceland.

Judy (Rupert Goold, 2019)

So, this is the first of two consecutive rants I’m about to go on about Oscar nominations and people’s reactions online. Prepare yourself.

I’ll start with the underlying message: just because you think something else deserves the praise more, doesn’t mean the film/album/*insert whatever artistic medium you wish here* that IS getting the praise is shit. 

Like people are angry that Lupita Nyongo wasn’t nominated for best actress for her performance in Us which is COMPLETELY valid as she carried that film on her back. In the same vein, people are also angry that more women of colour haven’t been nominated for best actress. Also valid; I’ve yet to see The Farewell but I’ve heard great things about Akwafina’s performance and I love her so even though I haven’t seen it, I’m gonna take the general consensus that she should’ve been nominated too. The Oscars definitely has a problem with recognising the work of POC. BUT, because of this, people are angry that Renee Zellweger has been nominated for her performance in Judy, saying that it’s typical “Oscar bait”. I agree, it is typical Oscar bait. However, a lot of the people saying this will in the same breath say (or tweet rather) that they haven’t actually SEEN Judy. 

How can you possibly say that Renee Zellweger doesn’t deserve any of the praise she’s getting when you haven’t even seen the film? Don’t get me wrong, the film itself is good but not outstanding (hence its place in this tier), but you can see Renee genuinely put her heart and soul into this film; it was powerful, and it was sympathetic but it was also nuanced and subtle where they could’ve just capitalised on all the sensationalised stories of the actions of a woman clearly deeply suffering in her final years and had it be full of shouting and screaming. The Wizard of Oz has always kind of felt like home to me because of the childhood nostalgia factor and so I’ve always been interested in Judy and I think Renee captured her heart and her spirit in a way she would be deeply honoured by. Maybe the film itself doesn’t deserve the acclaim it’s getting but I think Zellweger definitely deserves the nom and I think most people who’ve actually seen it wouldn’t contest that. 

Joker (Todd Philipps, 2019)

Okay so second rant. I’m sorry. I have a lot of feelings. Most of them aimed at the annoying tendency of internet users, Film Twitter™ and Letterboxd users I’m looking at you in particular, to be wildly exaggerative. 

There just seems to be no nuance online. It’s not just yeah, I didn’t like the film personally and the message could be perceived in a certain way by certain individuals, it’s I HATE THIS FILM AND IT’S DANGEROUS AND THE DIRECTOR FUCKING SUCKS. I noticed this trend when La La Land came out (which if I had watched last year would certainly be in God tier for me). It’s like, if a film initially receives a lot of praise and buzz, there’s almost this wave of compensatory vehement criticism in response that’s usually disproportionate to how controversial the film actually is. People didn’t like that Joker was popular because they didn’t like Joker so suddenly it’s the worst film ever and the possibility of it getting any critical acclaim is wrong. I even saw people berating Todd Philipps for channelling Martin Scorsese as he’s the only person to ever be influenced and take direction from one of the most dominant figures in film of the 20th and 21st century. I mean, what’s wrong with that?! If it was any other director, it’d be called homage. But because everything has to be seen through this malicious lens, its copying. 

I think one of the few very valid criticisms about Joker was that it further perpetuates the idea that psychotic people are dangerous, and I can totally see where they’re coming from. At the same time, we have to accept that whilst the majority of people who are psychotic aren’t a danger to anyone apart from themselves, most “dangerous” people don’t just become dangerous because they thought, fuck it, why not? A lot of people in the prison system ARE suffering with some kind of mental illness. The character’s psychosis doesn’t make him dangerous, it’s his underlying resentment and sense of entitlement that grows throughout the film that makes him dangerous, and I think a lot of people seem to miss this point. They say that the way the film ends implies Philipps is justifying the actions of the films protagonist. However, we KNOW the Joker is an unreliable narrator, he’s one of pop culture’s most infamous villains and that being said, both in film and in the real world, few villains see themselves as the villain. Joker is about why HE thinks he’s justified in doing what he does, not why he IS justified in doing what he does because he’s not, and that’s pretty clear from the moment he shoots someone in the head on live TV. Honestly, I think there’s a bit of wilful misinterpretation going on because people don’t like that film

I liked Joker. It was gritty, it was interesting, and sufficiently dark. I didn’t think it was the best film of the year but I understand why it got the praise it did. Obviously, it’s okay that people disagree and DON’T like it. But can we please get a bit more well-acquainted with the middle ground?

It: Chapter Two (Andres Muschietti, 2019)

Okay, essays over. Back to regular scheduled programming of less impassioned reviews. Though I will say I deserved better than my Letterboxd comment of “so you can just fucking roast Pennwyise to death?” getting absolutely 0 traction. One day my grand total of 5 followers, one of which is my sister, will recognise my brilliance (lol).

It’s hard to say how much I really liked this as I think my perspective of how much I did enjoy it is warped by how much I disliked the first one. Child actors really aren’t my thing and the only cast members I warmed to in the first one were Finn Wolfhard and Jack Dylan Grazer whereas the cast here were a lot more likeable, imo. Bill Hader, Jessica Chastain and James Ransone were all great, with the only let down being James Mcavoy; I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I just think he was really miscast in this role. 

Another thing I enjoyed a lot more about this instalment was that due to the more episodic/anthology-like/Creepshow-esque structure with each character conquering different monsters from their past individually, the narrative felt like it had a lot more direction, and it didn’t drag as much despite it having a significantly longer runtime. I haven’t read the Stephen King novels and I don’t know much of the pacing issues are down to them so this is me coming at it from a screenwriting angle but it felt as if the climax of the first film just kept going on and on. Every time I thought it had finished there’d be another confrontation between the kids and Pennywise whereas Chapter 2 seemed to have a more definitive third act and I appreciated that.

Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher, 2019)

So, here’s one where I WILL agree with the general online consensus: if Rami Malek got nominated for playing Freddie Mercury last year and Renee got nominated for playing Judy Garland, why the fuck didn’t Taron Egerton get one for playing Elton John? Why didn’t Rocketman itself get a nomination when Judy did? Though I personally preferred Judy because I’m more interested in her story, technically and narratively Rocketman is the better film in my opinion.  This was so cleverly edited and sequenced and told with such a brutal honesty on Elton John’s part (it was co-produced by his husband David Furnish and he was heavily involved in everything from the set to the script), that I can only come to the conclusion that the obligatory biopic nomination only comes when the focus of said biopic is no longer with us as a kind of honorary thing. Whilst something like Bohemian Rhapsody was much more of an easy watch (which just goes to show how glossed over Freddie Mercury’s life was in the film), the way the story was told, by the time we got to I’m Still Standing that happy ending felt so earned.

Aladdin (Guy Ritchie, 2019)

You can hate all you want, Prince Ali and Never Had a Friend Like Me are fucking bops and somehow they were even better in this incarnation of the film. I was initially hesitant about Will Smith being cast but rather than trying to impersonate Robin Williams he went his own route and it really worked. He was the highlight of the film. It was undeniably visually stunning too. Madonna’s ex did good.

Us (Jordan Peele, 2019)

Ah, I feel so conflicted when it comes to Us. Like, there were some really strong points and it’s definitely a good standalone horror movie. It’s just you can’t help but compare it to Get Out, and with that unsatisfactory exposition dump ending, I left feeling so disappointed. It seemed to me that Jordan Peele got in a bit over his head here with trying to tie such a vague social metaphor and the actual in-universe plot together, and so ended up leaving both a bit half-baked. He tried to OutPeele himself and for me, it didn’t work. 

The doppelgängers were so scary as this ambiguous, vaguely threatening presence that if you are gonna give us a full blown, sit down explanation of why they exist it needs to be really bloody good. And this explanation didn’t make much sense. For example, *SPOILERS AHEAD* I imagine that the tethered just not being able to walk up the escalator into the “real world” was supposed to be some kind of metaphor for social mobility but it’s not fleshed out enough to work. In our world, there are REASONS why the idea of social mobility is flawed. In the film, it’s just like gee, if they chose to just walk up the escalator and go on this murderous rampage now, why couldn't they have decided to do it years ago back before they all lost their fucking minds? Why were they just copying the originals for all those years? HOW did they know what they were doing? See, the metaphor as I understand it is supposed to be that we depend on the oppression of others like us in order to maintain our social status, but not only is this kind of too general a statement to try and use a feature length film to make, I don’t really understand how this dynamic works within the narrative of the film. Technically, there's nothing to stop the tethered and the originals co-existing apart from the tethered deciding not to walk up the fucking escalator. We’re not talking a bourgeoisie-proletariat relationship here. The explanation of it all just being a “government project gone wrong” was too vague seeing as the plot working seemed prior to this to hinge onto something vaguely supernatural and the eventual plan of the doppelgängers seemingly had no purpose or application to the real world like the climax of Get Out did. It just left me feeling kind of like...why? Why did this all happen? When the ending and the twist was that predictable (the old Pretty Little Liars finale style twin switcheroo was blatantly obvious from the mother’s “it’s like she’s a different person” line near the beginning, let’s be real), I was expecting some final revelation that flipped my expectation on its head or at least felt helped things click into place. Instead, it seemed a bit hamfisted and like I was supposed to feel things were deeper and more significant than they actually were.

All that being said, I appreciate that if anyone other than the writer of Get Out had come out with this movie, I probably wouldn’t have these issues. Us was funny, it was fresh, and the concept of doppelgängers is something I’m so glad to see brought back into our modern pop culture database. The people are right, Lupita was incredible in this and it is a travesty that she didn’t get nominated. My sister, who was so creeped out by her vocal performance that she had her fingers in her ears every time Red spoke, still won’t let me attempt an impression of it. And that Fuck the Police sequence? Iconic. 

On the Basis of Sex (Mimi Leder, 2019)

I apologise in advance for the shittiest “review” I’ll ever write, but honestly I can’t remember all too much about this film other than it being good. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I’m sorry. You’re a cool lady.

If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins, 2019)

EURGH, THIS WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FIM. The score, the shots, the rawness. I imagine it’s devastatingly real. Like, *SPOILERS AHEAD* you think there’s going to be a happy ending but there’s not. It should be disappointing but it’s an honest choice. And side note: fuck those annoying middle aged white ladies in the seats behind me and my friend who lost their shit and started giggling every time the N-word was used, JFC. I hate living in a Tory stronghold. 

Cam (Daniel Goldhaber, 2018)

So, as I said, I’m a fan of the whole doppelgänger thing. It freaks me out. The point in this film where the protagonist is approaching her bedroom door whilst she watches HERSELF livestreaming from inside that same bedroom had my heart in my mouth wondering what she was going to encounter on the other side. And you see, the ending of this was a lot more ambiguous than the ending of Us, so I should’ve had less questions. Whilst I’ve seen other people saying it WAS unsatisfactory and that they felt like we were owed more of an explanation, I liked the simplicity of the answer we got and the wiggle room it leaves for our own interpretation. The way I see it, given that we were told by the fan the protagonist meets with in the motel room that *SPOILERS AHEAD* it was a case of some kind of software copying these women’s likenesses to steal their viewers and thus their profits, is that Cam is a kind of a commentary on the capitalist exploitation of women’s bodies and the demand for (and desensitisation towards) sexually violent content; we don't necessarily need to know who is behind the virtual cloning, which is terrifyingly believable given how realistic some of the deepfakes I’ve seen are, because it doesn’t matter. We're basically told money is the motive and we know the kind of lengths some people will go, and someone DID go to in Cam, to in order to make a shitload of money and that’s as true in real life as it is scary. On the other hand, if you want to believe there’s a more supernatural presence behind the events of the film, there’s enough left to the imagination that you can go down that route too. Some films are better left un-exposition dumped and this is the proof. My one criticism, is that, like many films, it would be even better if directed by a woman; I’ve seen people say that its portrayal of online sex work isn’t entirely accurate and though I can’t say with certainty that women working in this industry weren’t consulted in the first place, I imagine a female director would not only be more likely to listen to their concerns but could translate the confusion and fear that comes with being expected to makes oneself sexually desirable to get ahead in the world but then shamed and used for doing so even more viscerally. A few tweaks and it’d be God Tier.

Colette (Wash Westmoreland, 2019)

The costumes, sets, and Keira were so, so stunning. Also it was just an inspiring, beautiful story. The navigation of womanhood, so called “deviant” sexuality and self-expression against the backdrop of early 20th century Paris with a load of Edwardian era tailoring thrown in, it’s everything I could possibly want and more; 10/10 moodboard content. 

The Boy (William Brent Bell, 2016)

I can’t believe this film was made in 2016, and it almost makes me move it down to mid tier based on the fact that a lot of the allowances I made for cheese factor I made on the assumption it came out earlier in the decade. BUT, that being said, I was creeped out for a good portion of this film. Most horrors I watch and I’m probably a bit too chilled (a head comes off or some witchy ass ghost screams into the camera and my only thought is some kind of judgement of the SFX), and yet I felt like watching this behind my hands. I don’t know what it is about dolls and puppets, Chucky was my childhood fear even though I never actually watched the film, but something about the uncanny valley of it all makes me just spend the whole time they’re on screen silently praying they don’t start moving or talking. So in a way, given the resolution of the film *SPOILERS AHEAD*, the premise of The Boy was actually a lot scarier to me than the reveal of what was really going on. Someone hiding in my walls? NBD. That demons are real and that they live inside creepy old dolls? Terrifying. Why does everybody I debate this with disagree!? You can't call the police on a demon! At least with a human being you can stick them with the pointy ending of something! Regardless, I enjoyed the journey and trying to work out how things would end and if there IS anybody secretly living inside my house right now, even if you are a supposedly dead murderous family member (last time I checked I didn’t have any of those so I should be all good), kindly vacate. Thanks.

Oprhan (Jaume Collet-Serra, 2009)

So the fact that this film is based on a real life case makes this all the more terrifying. It was a bit campy and tacky at times but the shot of *SPOILERS AHEAD* Esther taking off her makeup in the mirror and revealing her true age will always be iconic. Plus I love Vera Farmiga, even though I did struggle to see her as anyone other than Norma Bates. 

First Reformed (Paul Schrader, 2018)

A hauntingly beautiful film with a lot of room for interpretation. There were so many gorgeous shots and so much subtext, this is proper 10/10 media studies essay material.

The Invitation (Karyn Kusama, 2015)

I would say the concept and implications of this film, which don’t fully hit you til the final shots, are a lot better than the film itself. It feels very realistic though and is definitely tense.

As Above, So Below (John Erick Dowdle, 2014)

I was so stoned when I watched this that a lot of the allegory and Dante’s inferno references went straight over my head, and it just seemed absolutely balls to the wall wild. I couldn’t buy that the characters would just KEEP GOING either when things began to get terrifying, like people in horror films really out here making the most nonsensical decisions and it drives me mad. But anyway, it was definitely entertaining and there’s a lot more to it in terms of plot and mythology than most similar quality horrors and I appreciate that 

Climax (Gaspar Noe, 2018)

Climax is an interesting one that I think I’ll have to watch again to judge how much I truly like it. As with Us, I know it’s a good film, but I think my expectations of what it was going to be left me slightly disappointed. See, when I read about the premise I assumed that the horror was going to come from seeing the perspective of the characters on said acid trip and that leaves so much room for any kind of terrifying visuals you want whether that be something based in realism or fucked up creatures of the imagination. Buuuuut, it wasn’t that at all; at no point does Climax take place from the first person perspective of any of the characters. Similar to Darren Aronofsky’s Mother, the horror comes from not being able to do anything but watch as everyone starts losing their minds and the situation gets increasingly more dire. It’s pure stress; the acting is so unnervingly good that you really do feel like you’re watching some unintentionally horrific incident take place. That’s not a bad thing-I like it when films make me feel something intense, whether that emotion be positive or negative. It was just a different viewing experience to the one I had precipitated. 

Mid Tier

Nativity (Debbie Isitt, 2009)

I find Mr.Poppy hilarious. Does that make me a child? Probably. I’m not really one for Christmas movies but this one’s alright.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (André Øvredal, 2019)

I get that it’s based off a book so it’s not exactly like the “monsters” were a secret in the first place, but for those of us who didn’t read the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books as a kid, my main beef with this film was that they basically revealed all of said monsters in the trailer. Like how It: Chapter 2 spoiled the scene with Beverly in the old lady’s apartment but with EVERY. SINGLE. CREATURE. The only one that wasn’t was the “jangly man” and the only takeaway I have from him is the “jangly in the streets, but is he jangly in the sheets?” Letterboxd comment I read afterwards. Like the creature designs are the selling point of this film and by showing us them all before we’ve even seen it, any anticipation that would’ve built up from their reveal was kind of gone. Plus, it definitely felt like the writers were trying to ride on the hype train of “It” when they wrote this-only they made it even more childish. I mean, I know it was classed as PG-13 in the US which is maybe part of the reason it was so tame but the Woman in Black was a 12 when it was released here and it could be the bias of my 13 year old brain but I remember that being terrifying to watch in the cinema.

Also, I found it weird how *SPOILERS AHEAD* a couple of the main characters died and there didn’t really seem to be any consequences? Idk, maybe that’s because I found them all a bit one dimensional but I’ve seen others make the same criticism so I don’t think so. 

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a BAD film. It just wasn’t super good.

Charlie’s Angels (Elizabeth Banks, 2019)

I’ve never seen the 2000s Charlie’s Angels so I really don’t have anything to compare to, but I don’t think this was THAT bad. I was fairly entertained throughout and I enjoyed Naomi Scott and Kristen Stewart’s characters. My main issue was the unnecessary inclusion of Noah Centineo, and that weird ass montage at the beginning of stock video shots of girls just...doing miscellaneous things. Why, Elizabeth Banks, why!?

Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley, 2019)

In some ways, I see why Toy Story 4 was narratively necessary: co-dependency had been a running theme throughout and we needed to see Woody (I feel stupid saying this considering he’s a fucking toy but allow it) realise that he can exist independently of Andy, and that there’s more to life than pleasing somebody else. The way Toy Story 4 ended felt like a satisfying conclusion to his character arc, and as well as the animation being top tier, Forky was a hilarious addition to the cast. However, I don’t think it carried the emotional weight of the 3rd Toy Story, which I think people had accepted as the last instalment and had used to say goodbye to the franchise, and therefore the sceptic in me thinks that the obvious purpose of this addition was a cash grab. I don’t doubt that a lot of people worked incredibly hard on it-I’m just saying that the propelling force behind the film probably wasn’t “the people need to see Woody’s character growth” and that was quite apparent throughout.

Doctor Sleep (Mike Flanagan, 2019)

There were some really beautiful scenes in Doctor Sleep; the astral projection sequences in particular were magnificent and I loved Rebecca Ferguson as the villain. Stylistically, though I didn’t find out he was the director until I was writing this up, you can definitely tell it’s Mike Flanagan, and like I’ve said, he does horror very tastefully. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t all that interested in the premise and I wasn’t hugely invested in grown up Danny Torrance either. The execution was great and the return to the Overlook was brilliant, of course, but the story just wasn’t for me and nothing much sticks out as being a particularly intriguing plot point.

Mary Queen of Scots (Josie Rourke, 2019)

What to say about Mary Queen of Scots other than...yeah, it was alright. I mean, I really should’ve liked it more than I did, because these specific events were part of the Edexcel A-Level history curriculum (Can I get some Rebellion and Disorder Under the Tudors students representation up in here!?) and I usually love seeing history translated onto screen, plus it centred around Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan. It was just very...meh. I feel like there’s so much more complex a story here than was told. Both women were undoubtedly a lot more complicated than this film made them out to be and I think to reduce Mary Queen of Scots to a Mary Sue-ish heroine was a disappointing choice. Plus, if we’re gonna talk historical accuracy (which all the racists came out of their caves to discuss at the time), Mary and Elizabeth never actually met; I’m sure there was a more creative way to explore their dynamic than by forcing an interaction that never actually happened.

Apostle (Gareth Evans, 2018)

There were elements of this film I really liked; the mythology behind the cult, I.E what the townsfolk actually worshipped when you stripped away all the secrecy was pretty interesting. However, I felt it depended too much on atmosphere and not enough on plot, and I didn’t warm to any of the characters.

Searching (Aneesh Chaganty, 2018)

It’s difficult because technically, Searching is obviously an ingenious film. My issue is the way it ended, which was imo, super anti-climatic, and honestly pretty predictable in that it seemed like the writers just went out of their way *SPOILERS AHEAD* to make the culprit the person viewers would’ve ruled out by default for shock value, and then work out WHY that person was the culprit from there. I was expecting something a lot darker to be behind the protagonist’s daughter’s disappearance-irl, these situations usually are-and so maybe it’s just me being a bit of a sadist but I was disappointed by how things resolved themselves.

Deliver Us from Evil (Scott Derrickson, 2014)

So, this isn’t boring. It’s interesting to have a horror navigated through the lens of something as procedural as a police investigation. But ultimately, the acting isn’t great, there’s very few scary moments, and it’s a little cheesy. As horrors go, it’s pretty shallow-it is what it says on the tin.

Dumplin’ (Anne Fletcher, 2018)

I watched this right at the beginning of the year and I can’t remember all too much about it, but I remember not hating it? See, looking at the cast, Odeya Rush and Dove Cameron are both in it which would suggest I’d come away hating MYSELF instead but yeah...I got nothing. 

Lights Out (David F.Sandberg, 2016)

The concept is very scary, the execution not so much, and the actual storyline is a little cheesy. I found myself just being like OH MY GOD, IT’S BELLA’S DAD FROM TWILIGHT! And then *SPOILERS AHEAD* getting mad that they did Charlie Swan dirty like that by killing him off in the first 10/15 minutes.

The Goldfinch (John Crowley, 2019)

So I LOVED the book of The Goldfinch. I read it after the Secret History and even though most people seem to prefer the latter, the former hit me right in the sweet spot. The length was almost one of my favourite things about it; I felt by the end that I came to know the character so well he felt like someone I knew in real life. When I heard Ansel Elgort was cast as Theo, I was really happy; I’m not necessarily a huge fan of him as an actor, I've only ever seen him in shitty teen-y dramas which I forced myself to like at the time E.G. The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, but he looks kind of exactly how I pictured Theo looking. Almost like an Evanna Lynch as Luna Lovegood situation. And then honestly, the actual film came around, and I found myself much preferring the young Theo sections. I get that Theo is quite a muted character and I hate to properly slate anyone’s performance, but Ansel as him felt a bit flat. The casting in general was pretty whack; I love Nicole Kidman but she didn’t feel right as Mrs.Barbour and it seemed that they added a lot to her character to the detriment of Hobie’s character who was a much bigger part of Theo’s life in the book. Also, can we talk about Finn Wolfhard as Boris? I’m sorry, but that accent was godawful. Really bad. Boris’ accent was always supposed to be kind of ambiguous but this was just butchered Russian. Another gripe that my friend and I, who also read the book, had with the Vegas section of the film (which was otherwise probably the best part) was that they never properly explored the complexity of Boris and Theo’s relationship. Obviously I’m not saying that I want 2 minors to shoot a sex scene but it could have been referenced when they reunite as adults because the kiss on the head when they part in Vegas seemed misleadingly platonic. It was heavily implied in the book that there was some kind of love that went beyond friendship between the two and I didn’t get that in the film at all. 

Ultimately, when you try and adapt a book as long as the Goldfinch, you’re always going to have some pacing issues and people complaining that things were left out or that X or Y character didn’t have enough screen time. But in ways, I think the fault here was trying to stay TOO faithful in the limited time available. They definitely could have focussed less on certain relationships and more on others, and when it comes down to it, I think we lost a lot of the grittiness of the original book for the sake of pretty visuals. 

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino, 2019)

Don’t get me wrong, this would 100% be in shit tier if it wasn’t for the last hour or so of the film and all the Manson lore which is so disappointing because I love Tarantino films and I love that era. As for the first couple of hours, I loved the vibe and I love Margot Robbie, and I think it was very respectful towards the Tate family (if anything radiated through the screen more than anything else it was Sharon Tate’s sweetness), but I just wasn’t that invested in Leo or Brad’s characters-it all just felt a bit pointless. I really like Brad Pitt and even that couldn’t really save it for me. Maybe if you took away the remaining 2 hours and 20 minutes of Leo DiCaprio making vague allusions to his own career to a girl only slightly younger than the combined age of all girlfriends past I’d enjoy it more but then I don’t think there’d be much footage left. I guess we should just be grateful that Tarantino managed to refrain from unnecessarily sprinkling the N-word into every other line of his script this time, right?

Also.

SO. MANY. FEET.

But then again, this did result in Brad publicly mocking Tarantino’s foot fetish during his speech at the SAG awards so...I’ll allow it. Sometimes kink shaming is okay. Especially when it’s this guy:

Isn’t it Romantic (Todd Strauss-Schulson, 2019)

I guess as romantic comedies go it wasn’t AWFUL because it was self-aware but still just not my cup of tea and it didn’t really make me laugh. Plus, I feel like it did just follow the plot of a conventional rom-com in the end so...what was it all for, you know?

Green Room (Jeremy Saulnier, 2016)

I think my disappointment with this film was a case of too high expectations. It wasn’t as gory as I hoped, in fact, there was very little on screen gore at all. I was just expecting something very messed up and I didn’t get that. But then again we did get Maeby from Arrested Development singing a fuck Nazis song so I guess that was a nice surprise?

Shit Tier

Birdbox (Susanne Bier, 2018)

First the disappointment of the Goldfinch, and now Birdbox (although they were chronologically the other way round but for the sake of this review, let’s just ignore that). It really is a bad year for bird films. 

It’s weird because when this first came out I remember everyone hyping it up and making memes about it and stuff and then I actually watched it and dear god, it was boring. Honestly, who paid you lot to pretend you cared enough about it enough to make content? And where can I get in on this action?

I mean it didn’t start off terribly but then they killed off SARAH FUCKING PAULSON and somehow managed to make SANDRA FUCKING BULLOCK unlikeable. How does one do that? The mind baffles.

Pet Sematary (Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer, 2019)

The kid acting was bad, the leads were meh and there wasn’t one creepy moment. This should be SO MUCH MORE hard hitting than it actually was given the subject matter and it just fell completely flat. I will say, though, *SPOILERS AHEAD* that the ending was appropriately doom and gloom and even though I’ve seen lots of others say they hate it it was probably the only thing I actually liked.

The Lion King (Jon Favreau, 2019)

Seth Rogen and Billie Eichner were the only good things about this which is sad because I fucking love Donald Glover and I was so excited when he was cast as Simba. Like, it was pretty but empty and unnecessary and I’m not one of these people who think CGI remakes always have to be this way-I loved Dumbo and I liked the live-action Jungle Book too! I just think the people who made this cared too much about good CGI and realism and less about heart. There was no personality whatsoever and it’s such a waste when you think about the fact that they had Donald and Beyonce on board. 

Red Sparrow (Francis Lawrence, 2018)

Eurgh, I hated this. I think Jennifer Lawrence is stunning and I usually love her films but every shot of her in this felt so male-gaze oriented, even the ones which were sexually violent, which I found to be completely unnecessary in the first place. At times it felt almost torture-porn-y which was not what I expected at all seeing as the marketing made it seem like some kind of female empowerment movie.

It Comes at Night (Trey Edward Shults, 2017)

I literally can’t remember fucking anything from this film. Clearly there is a very, very fine line between atmospheric and boring.

Warm Bodies (Jonathan Levine, 2013)

Maybe it’s because I watched this about 6 years too late and the whole human-girl-falls-in-love-with-supernatural-creature hype train has long since left the station but I couldn’t even finish it. Cutesy necrophilia ain’t for me, sorry Nicholas Hoult. Still love ya. You’ll always be Tony Stonem to me xoxo

Million Dollar Baby (Clint Eastwood, 2005)

I’m pretty sure this movie won a lot of awards so I’m sure this is a very unpopular opinion but the way this film ended was so...depressing. SO depressing. Did it have to be THAT depressing? The Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode outsold.

This is the range Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank wishes she had.

Would You Rather (David Guy Levy, 2013)

Started off well but became cheesy and predictable as it went on. The acting wasn’t great either plus there was another unnecessary attempted rape scene here too. 

Christmas with the Kranks (Joe Roth, 2004)

So I watched this movie in the run up to Christmas because my best friend and her mum were referencing it like it was this cult classic (which I guess for some reason it is?) and I’m sorry to her and her mum but what the hell is this shit?! It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s just bad.

The plot, the characters, EVERYTHING, it’s ridiculous on every level. I wasn’t into it enough to suspend my disbelief that anyone’s neighbours would actually care THAT much that they weren’t celebrating Christmas. Go on your damn cruise, take me with you whilst you're at it, ease my seasonal depression! I wouldn’t mind so much if it was funny or if the protagonists were likeable but it wasn’t and they’re not. Nobody’s actions made any sense. It didn’t put me in the Christmas spirit at all it just made me angry that Jamie Lee Curtis’ agent made her do this shit. She’s a scream queen goddess and she deserves better.

ANYWAY.

I’m now realising that I should have started on shit tier and worked my way up to god tier because now this post has ended on the rather sour note of me getting worked up over Christmas with the Kranks, lol. As always, these are just my opinions and I love to hear other people’s; when it comes to something like this, it’s all a matter of preference and there really isn’t a right or wrong answer, so I’m open to discussion!

With the Oscars less than a week away now I rushed a little to get this out on time, so apologies in advance if anything doesn’t make any sense or there’s any typos, I will look back over it at some point over the next couple of days to check. 

But if you read to the end thank you! And stay tuned for my overview of Paris Haute Couture Week S/S 2020 if that’s something you’re interested in as that will most likely be next post!

Lauren x

[mozambique-and-a-dream]

So I Wrote An Essay about Pathfinder for a University Class

I’m in a creative non-fiction writing class and our essay topic was “a person who has impacted your life” and me being a smart ass not only asked my prof if I could do someone fictional but a robot as well. Here are the results.

I don’t know what it is about happy robots with sad backstories. They always seem to find a way to captivate my attention. I’m always finding a way to obsess over these funky little robots in one way or another. Take the Mars rover, Oppy. Its last transmission was along the lines of, “my batteries are low and it’s getting dark.” I read that and cried. I’m not talking a tear or two. I was straight up bawling. So, when I ran into a video game which featured one of these robots with a sad backstory, I decided that I needed to invest literal weeks of my life into this game. Pathfinder is a robot on a simple mission. Find his creator. A task that sounds so seemingly simple, but keeps proving very hard for a robot as naive as Pathfinder.

While playing the game, seeing an enemy playing as Pathfinder is a terrifying experience, however, the character himself is perhaps one of the cutest things to ever be seen in a video game. Despite participating in a literal bloodsport in order to become famous enough that his creator will reach out, the tall, lanky blue robot is the definition of a ball of sunshine. Whether he is telling his teammates that he loves them in almost all of his lines, to trying or giving high fives to people he is just about to murder, the robot doesn’t really have a sense for what a bloodsport is. On the other hand, perhaps he is well aware of what the dire circumstances are of the games he plays for money and fame and still uses this chipper personality to keep the others happy as well. Either way, it’s clear that being around Pathfinder will always put a smile on your face, even if he doesn’t have a face himself. Technically he has a screen on his chest that is capable of displaying different emoticons that change based on his mood, and this furthers the idea of him as a happy individual. By having a smiley face on his chest ninety percent of the time, only switching to a red angry face when he battles, it’s clear that the robot is capable of expressing  different human emotions almost as good as we are. It’s always really interesting to see a character with such a sad backstory being so optimistic about life, as it is not a trope that is seen often in any form of media, as these characters are usually written as depressed and cold to anyone around them. Pathfinder booted up one day with not a single living soul in sight and decided to set out to find who created him. Now, being a robot rather than a human, in his search, Pathfinder found his niaevity used against him. Humans would lie and take advantage of his willingness to help in exchange for answers and have him do all the work for nothing. However, even after constantly getting used, Pathfinder is still a character who chooses to be bright, happy, and optimistic in everything he does rather than form a hatred for mankind. Because of this happy personality that I needed so badly in my life, I decided that I needed to play as Pathfinder more often. Hearing a positive voice talking to me I found has started putting me in better moods, something much needed when you are a university student with six essays due all the time. 

Video games have always been a way for me to destress, however a while back I started realizing that even those were making me feel worse rather than better as I was too focused on wanting to do well in the game that I would begin to get frustrated when I lost. Because I knew these feelings would not benefit me in any way, and my interest in video games, which had once been one of my best strategies for relieving stress and anxiety, started to fade, leaving me only with my unhealthy coping habits. However, once this game came out, I was instantly drawn in by the diverse cast of characters. Any game that has cannon LGBT+ characters is enough for me to want to give it a try. This one just had the added perk of having a happy robot character as well. The more I began to play with Pathfinder as my character the more I started realizing he had started reshaping how I played video games. Instead of becoming frustrated or angry when a game didn’t go the way I wanted it to, Pathfinder was always there to remind me how much fun he was having, thus making me realize once again that these video games were indeed, just games. My frustrations in video games had soon gone back down and once again I was at a point where they were a stress reliever rather than an inducer. 

After a few months of playing the game I began to realize that not only was this robot helping me while I played games, but that I had started to pick up some of his mannerisms. From calling every person I met my friend to offering high fives all the time, it was clear to me that Pathfinder had begun to impact more parts of my life. Because of this, I had even started making more friends as I played the video game more and more. If you would have told me a couple of months ago that I would meet some of my best friends while playing a video game that I only played because I liked the robot character, I would have laughed in your face. Now however, I play this game with three other people who mean the world to me. Like me, they were drawn into the game by the diversity of the characters, as the game has both a canon gay character as well as a canon non-binary character, leaving the four of us with a rather unlikely gaming squad. The gaming community is made up of mostly cishet males, so seeing just one of our squad mates playing a video game is already defying gaming standards, as we are a Canadian lesbian, an American bisexual, a Swedish trans man, and a German non-binary person. When the four of us group together, though, everything just seems to click. It no longer feels like we don’t belong in the gaming community as we have created our own community. A community I never would have found if I didn’t have an obsession with happy robots with sad backstories. 

Even though the four of us don’t live anywhere remotely close to one another, friends that you know only through the power of the internet are friends nonetheless. In the past few months I’ve had my gaming friends ask me more about my mental health than my friends who I’ve known for years, even though we hardly even know what each other looks like. Sure we’ve all sent the odd selfie but still I have a better idea of what their pets look like then what they do. However there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t need to see someone’s face in order to know that they are my friends, not when I can hear the tone in their voices that can show their emotions. From a concerned voice telling another to go to bed as we are all in different timezones, to playful jabs at one another about the events that go on in the game. None of us even call each other by our real names! Not that we don’t know each other’s real names, that would be weird if we didn’t, but after calling all of them by their usernames since we first started playing if I were to call Biff, Axel or DrowZ, Lynkoln, it just doesn’t sound right. One of them were to call me Renee instead of Fire, I would be genuinely concerned and wonder what I did to piss them off, almost like that feeling you get when your mom calls you by your full name, you know you did something wrong. But so far, the only things these friends have done wrong is occasionally getting me killed in our video game, or stealing loot from my kills, thank you very much Wolfy.

Getting to know people from all around the world is also a fun experience I wouldn’t have gotten if it weren’t for this video game. Just the other day we spent a few minutes trying to explain to our Swedish friend what a tonsil was as he didn’t know the word for it in English, which resulted in a lot of laughter from all ends. Our obsession of the video game goes well with each other and makes it so we all have someone to talk about our thoughts on the game as well as the characters. From sharing different ideas we think the characters would do and how they would interact with each other to thirsting over the attractiveness of others, even though if these characters were real none of us would stand a chance with any of them, especially the one they all seem to have a very strong interest in despite how terrifying he would be in real life, the four of us do things that all friend groups would do. Our group chat is full of memes, we discuss how school is going, the people in real life we are interested in, and so on. A lot of people have tried to tell me in the past that people you meet online can’t be your friends but I beg to differ. Even though all of us are all poor and couldn’t afford one plane ticket between the four of us, we know we don’t need to be in the same room to hangout. Especially when just being in a voice chat with them makes it feel like they are here with me and that I’ve known them for longer than the span of a couple months. 

It’s crazy to think that something positive came out of my video game obsession. I know my mom can’t believe that I’ve gotten more out of video games than a rotted brain and sore eyes. It’s even weirder to think that it all stemmed from a fictional robot, a robot that I now can say has actually changed my life, for without him I would be missing three of my best friends. If I never would have found an interest in this video game it’s safe to say I still would not be playing any games and instead watching Netflix alone on my couch rather than spending time with my new friends. I would only have my mom left encouraging me to attend class every day but only really because she helped pay for them and not three other people yelling at me to stop playing games with them to go write an essay about the robot from the video game we were playing, even if I was doing really good this morning. Hell, without this fictional robot in my life I would probably be writing some boring essay about a real life person, who we all know are less exciting than fictional ones. Because of this I think it’s really important to take stock of not only the real people in your life but the fictional ones, as they can be just as, if not more, inspiring than someone who is really out there. We don’t often think about characters as having a way to affect our lives, but as shown by Pathfinder, my life has become a whole lot happier because of this funky little robot.

[d00dt00nz]

Obligatory promo stuff at the top because it sucks and I hate it and let’s get it out of the way! follow me on twitter where I’m active, check me out on spotify for music, or like my facebook for sparse updates on music stuff. Thank you. The Cover art is by Ellie Tison

Okay!! Last song!!

Well, I say last song, but it's more like “last song”. There is one more song that I used as an epilogue, but I'm not going to get into that, and honestly if you've listened to 13 tracks without being sold (why would you do that?) one more track isn't going to sell you on it.

And would you look at that, the last song is a reprise of the first song. Wow, it's like Sgt Pepper... that's so cool. Now it makes sense why I didn't bother talking about that first song right? Not planned btw.

This song was one of the first songs I wrote for this album. I said this for a few. Truthfully I did four or so around the same time and they were all great. I had a few more tracks in the oven as well. Everything was going great. I was like “wow this album's gonna be done in no time!” Anyway that was like three or four years ago. I guess that's how these things tend to go.

This is back when I was trying to make a bit more of a straight ahead rock/indie rock sounding album. I'm pretty sure I wrote this song on guitar, lyrics and all, which is honestly (and sadly) pretty rare for me these days. I had this idea for repeated backing vocals and a call/response sort of song structure. I'm pretty sure this more energetic version of the song came first. I originally wanted a sort of Lou Reed feel to it, but once I wrote that groovy dancy bass riff it immediately lost that feel. Once I started recording electric guitars I accidentally did a grungy “brrroww” at the end of the phrase and really liked it. I replicated it throughout the track and in turn lost even more of that Lou Reed feel.

In my original recording process I had a damaged patchcord. I didn't realize it at first because I was trying out some new equipment. I just thought it was really quiet. That being the case, I had to turn it up way loud to get a good volume and that's actually where some of the guitar tone you can hear (mainly in the one playing a melody-line during the chorus) comes from. I actually really liked it, I thought it sounded like Pavement. Actually, my Tiff did too and that's probably the nicest thing she's ever said about any of my music.

At some point I added more guitar tracks to the track to make it sound fuller, and also replace some of the ones recorded with a broken patchcord. I honestly kinda liked the original tracks, which still had a little bit of that 70s glam grittiness to them, but I'm far too neurotic about this stuff to really sit with that. In the end it sounded less 70s and more mid 90s. It had a sound that I've actually been trying to get for a while, though not on this track – the sort of fuzzy swirling guitars with a groovy beat and bassline to it. Tiff described it as being “Like those music videos where everything is blue and everyone's got really baggy pants”, which, again, big compliment. I don't know if that one was actually a compliment, but I'll take what I can get.

The song had its genesis at that same party I mentioned last time. There's nothing specific really. We had my album on and it's got a pretty fun cool first half. The people there were enjoying it, but then it gets to the second half and it's a little bit more mopey. It's also completely sexless and uncool throughout. That being the case, one of the guys there was like

“Sorry Con-dog, the vibes are just not working with this right now,”

and I was like,

“Oh don't worry about it, I understand dude,”

And then he was like, “Right on man. I’m getting fucked vibes from those guys over there. Here, hit this for me.”

And then I did some coke off a Pulp Fiction VHS tape.

I thought to myself, “man it'd be nice to have music that you could put on at a party”. Which basically was the whole idea behind this album, conscious or not. I don't really know if it succeeded, but there's definitely a certain kind of party where this would play, and honestly I don't think I'd mind being at it.

The album was originally going to be more centered around the idea of the character described in this track. I mean, obviously he's me, but I'm trying to detach myself and make things a little more universal. I wanted to explore all the different traits and behaviors that this one person has. Some of them being mine, and some of them being not. Honestly, it didn't really pull through to the end. There's a little bit of that in here, but it's mostly just songs. I'm okay with that. They have some thematic cohesion. It's got this song bookending the album. Wow, it's like Sgt. Pepper.....

The ending is a little bit embarrassing for me because I do a bit of a scream voice, which, honestly I don't think there's anything actively wrong with it, I just cringe when I hear myself doing it because it's like “ah oh god I'm doing that”. I don't know. There's also the fact that, well, one of the things I yell is the word “Wasteman”, which is a little bit of an outdated slang right now, but when I actually recorded the song it wasn't. Whatever, this is an insanely white album from a white kid. I figure a lot of people who enjoy this type of music haven't actually heard that word. I wouldn't have, but I hang out with Tiff's cool friends sometimes. Honestly I think it's a cool term. I think the most embarrassing part though is I copy-pasted it so it repeats twice because I felt like I wanted more intensity. I don't think it's super noticeable, but the idea makes it a little disingenuous. During the outro I wanted to add a little more of that “90s blue and baggy” feel, so I plugged in a keyboard and freaked out on the organ setting. I think it really adds a lot.

The slower version of the song was written afterwards and I actually cheat because it uses some of the same midi tracks. I was super torn between the more exciting sound that I had and my original “vision” for the song, which was a bit more downtempo Lou-Reed inspired. I figured, why not do both?

There's not a whole lot to cover here that I haven't already covered. Mostly the backing vocals, but only because I think I did a worse job with them than the other version. There's nothing outwardly wrong with them per-se, but I think the blend is not good and that's gonna immediately stick out to some people. The middle section just kinda came about because the other version doesn't really have a proper chorus. It just has some guitar noodling. I played around with the chord progression of the middle chorus in the fast version and made something that was a bit more structured, then adapted a melody around it. Harmonies grew out of the melody. I felt like something was missing, so I took that same call and response idea from earlier and applied it here too. I really liked the interplay between the two vocal lines. The “Purify me” line was originally supposed to come up again and again throughout the album. One of the tracks that ALMOST made it would have been the song it was from, and then there would be callbacks to the melody throughout the album. It was kind of like a motif. That was unfortunately completely scrapped and this is the last trace of it. Maybe I'll work the idea into something I do in the future.

I like this song. I realized way too late that it massively rips off The Velvet Underground's Sweet Jane. I guess that “Lou Reed inspired” idea was a little bit too literal. Fortunately I would say the middle section saves it from being too much of a copy. I think it's a good way to start and finish the album. I also like the thematic notions of this album starting with the same track it ends on. Like these things work in cycles and you're never truly free of your own quicksand. Like an Ouroboros eating its own tail, like Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. When one cycle ends, a new begins. The same, but slightly different – until it is completely undermined by the epilogue track that says “no this is actually the end”.

Hey congrats on making it through all of these entries! You may have only read this one, or even skipped to the end. If you did that, disregard that previous sentence and go back to read them. This album was the culmination of a lot of work and thought. 13 of these writeups was nothing compared to probably hundreds of hours spent working on this album, and probably thousands of hours thinking about it. I'm aware few people are reading these writeups, but it's honestly mostly my own indulgence. I gotta decompress this stuff and be free of this album. I can finally get rid of all this useless crap in my brain. I'll probably enjoy being able to go back and read this stuff once I've forgotten most of this, and once I've become a more mature person. I'll probably go “wow this shit is cringe. I can't believe he posted like 22 pages of cringe” but that's okay. The album's okay. I made for certain it was not, in fact, cringe before releasing it. And honestly I enjoyed writing these.

A part of me wants to get back to the freakish pace I had in like 2011 where this blog was nonstop content. I don't think it'd work so well in 2020 Tumblr because who even uses this site anymore? I think it's a little sad because it's pretty much the death of long form posting. Twitter is great because people pay attention to you, but sometimes I just want to write like two thousand words and have some psycho actually read them and respond to it. I think we've lost that on the internet. Sometimes I think of making youtube videos, but I'm no good in front of a camera. Sometimes I wonder, couldn't I just read something like this TO the camera? The answer is no, I can't. That'd be boring. I'm completely convinced nobody would watch that. I sometimes think that if I could add some editing and some visual component though, it'd work out. Some sort of... video essay. Some kind of... man with facial hair and left leaning politics who enjoys media and talks about both... Wow I wonder if that niche has been filled at all?

[thespacebetweenworlds]

idk if you’ll care about this but your thing about the whole “fiction is just fiction” and “fiction doesn’t affect reality” argument is actually not true at all because let’s just say for example: having lgbt, poc, disability rep in books or media isn’t all that important because it doesn’t affect reality.... when it does? it makes a HUGE impact on people. but yes I see where you’re coming from and as a person who hates incest with a passion, I don’t think u guys deserve these threats AT ALL.

Thank you for not thinking I should die a violent death. And thank you for this ask! I love being asked things. And to respond to your point, that fiction does affect reality, with the example of how representation is pretty awesome: that’s a freaking good point you have there, that I agree with - partially.

This Essay is titled: Fiction and Reality and How the everloving Fuck do they interact and what by nathan wesninski’s underpants does that have to do with fandom discourse?

So, beyond the read more you’ll have a compilation of my thoughts on it (that didn’t take several hours to write and edit). I’ll talk about:

1. Definition Of Fiction, Definition Of Reality

2. (How) Does Fiction Affect Reality?

3. Representation In Fiction

4. Who Judges Fanfic?

5. ”this content is problematic,” says you. ”please don’t mention power dynamics,” replies I

6. Censorship

7. A Brief History Of Why Fanfic Is Awesome

8. Links to stuff that might interest you

I’m just gonna. Quickly do that part in radioactive with the deep breath.

To start this, I want to clarify that in the response I made to transneiljosten’s post, I never explicitly said “fiction doesn’t affect reality” or “fiction is just fiction.”

What I did say is this: “Incest in fiction is just that: incest in fiction. It’s. not. real.” And: “I believe everyone should be allowed to write/create what they want - as long as it doesn’t hurt people in real life.”

But yes, the phrases “fiction is just fiction” and “fiction is not reality” have been used often when discussing freedom to write fanfic and when defending content another might call immoral. Not many people have elaborated beyond that, and to be fair - it’s a super big fucking field of study with so many subjective ways to look at it that it’s difficult to put into words.

But I’m gonna go and explain what people mean with those two phrases anyway.

Disclaimer: Remember how I called this a super big fucking field of study? I am no linguist and I have not studied literature. All my knowledge comes from years in fandom and internet research of the topics I personally found interesting. I may be wrong about things I say here, and I am always learning, so feel free to message me. I try my best to discuss controversial topics thoughtfully, respectfully, considerately and carefully, but I am only human and do not know everything. You are welcome to join the discussion.

1. Definition Of Fiction, Definition Of Reality

Going to https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/ to properly look this up:

Reality: The state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

Fiction: Literature in the form of prose, especially novels, that describes imaginary events and people.

So I say I don’t study literature (I really don’t) but just a few weeks ago I was in a lecture on the absolute basics of literature science, where I learned this dope sentence:

Die Wirklichkeit in der Kunst ist nur eine auf die außerkünstlerische Wirklichkeit verweisende Wirklichkeit.

Which is German, yes I know. Basically we have the starting point that literature is art, so it’s: "the reality in art is only a reality that refers to the reality outside of art" or, in other words, fiction is only ever fiction and not reality, no matter how close they may seem to be.

In summary, what we can say for sure: Fiction does not equal Reality. They are not the same. Fiction exists because Reality exists.

2. (How) Does Fiction Affect Reality?

Reality affects fiction. But does Fiction affect Reality?

Allow me to quote tumblr user shinelikethunder, who put it very nicely:

“Fiction affects people. And people affect reality.”

Tumblr user muchymozzarella made an important addition (and the blog is really pretty) so to read the post, klick on this link: https://muchymozzarella.tumblr.com/post/167137950299/fiction-is-not-responsible-for-reality

If you read the above post, further reading that might interest you are texts by Immanuel Kant and Arthur Schopenhauer on Free Will. But that wouldn’t be fandom anymore, so like, find philosophy books in your local library and talk to you friends about it.

3. Representation In Fiction

But let’s come back to your question, dear anon: “... the whole “fiction is just fiction” and “fiction doesn’t affect reality” argument is actually not true at all because let’s just say for example: having lgbt, poc, disability rep in books or media isn’t all that important because it doesn’t affect reality.... when it does? it makes a HUGE impact on people.”

You have a great point. Representation in books matters. (If you rec me some nice wlw books I’ll love you forever, there are not enough.)

I am, however, gonna quote my friend of mine, who says it better than I ever could:

“There is a difference between media affecting behaviour and representation in media. Like, violent video games don't actually make you violent. Watching gay cinema isn't going to turn you to the lgbt side unless there was already a disposition there.

People read and write immorality constantly, and even when it's shone in a good light it's usually expected that we as human beings know right from wrong, know fiction from reality. Humanity has explored the happy shiny purity of the universe and the horrific grittiness since... Well probably forever, for a variety of reasons. And in recent years the way we consume media has intensified drastically. Our consumption is interactive, our interaction is globally influenced and sometimes that is good, but we've also given ourselves the right to witch-hunt without a lot of information, or because things don't go as you planned. Real people are always more important than fictional people.

Stand up for representation. Stand up for good representation. But if you're smart enough to understand morality in reality, that isn't going to suddenly go away if you read some incest fics... And hey if you do suddenly want to kiss your brother, that's something for you to deal with and it isn't fan fiction's fault.”

Representation in books matters. Why does it matter? Because the real world is so much more diverse than popular media might make you think. Fight against the patriarchy, not against random people on the internet.

4. Who Judges Fanfic?

Fanfic is written by fans. It’s also written for fans, but more than that, it’s written by fans. I’m not gonna say only teenage girls write fanfiction, because that’s not true. Fans write fanfiction. And everyone can be a fan.

Ozhawkauthor said:

“You are not paying for fanworks content, and you have no rights to it other than to choose to consume it, or not consume it. If you do choose to consume it, do not then attack the creator if it wasn’t to your taste. That’s the height of bad manners.

Be courteous in fandom. It makes the whole experience better for all of us.”

So why are “antis” suddenly here, declaring this ship and those characters off limits and to be hated on?

Specifically, what the fuck are fans that attack or judge other fans on?

To quote shinelikethunder (again): “Fiction needn’t be educational and fiction doesn’t always have clear-cut endorsements of who’s in the right. But the discussion that happens around fiction can include both.”

But to answer the question above: Who Judges Fanfic? Not. You.

5. ”this content is problematic,” says you. ”please don’t mention power dynamics,” replies I

Hypothetical situation:

I write a fanfic. My protagonist is Riko Moriyama, who is, in canon, a sadistic asshole that is so morally black that his own brother, Ichirou, who is also morally black, kills him in the end. It doesn’t matter what I write, or who I ship him with, in this hypothetical situation.

You appear, you read the fic or you don’t read the fic. You say: “This content is problematic.”

I quiver. I know you don’t like Riko Moriyama. I know you don’t approve of my shipping choice. “Please don’t mention power dynamics,” I reply.

“This relationship is toxic,” you say. “There are unhealthy power dynamics at play.”

And like, fuck, I know? I wrote it.

Obviously. Obviously I could reply with that ancient, age old phrase “Don’t Like Don’t Read.”

But I already made a similar post about that.

6. Censorship

I’m writing this post to fight against censorship in fandom. (The day I am typing this up on was the day I went to a demonstration against articles 11 and 17, earlier 13, in the copyright reform in the EU, and to protest for a free internet.)

Censorship.

What does that even mean? The Oxford English Dictionary says:

Censorship: The suppression or prohibition of any parts of books, films, news, etc. that are considered obscene, politically unacceptable, or a threat to security.

Here’s the wikipedia article.

In my opinion, every person, regardless of whether or not they call themselves “anti” who tells someone else that their fanfic is disgusting and wrong and should be deleted, based on subjective ideas of moral, is trying to enforce censorship. So don’t. Don’t do that.

“But,” you might say. “Riko is not a good person.”

And you know what? You’re absolutely right. He’s not. Neither is any of the Foxes.

And this is why none of the antis make sense. In one post, they condemn Roland - a perfectly normal minor character, and in the next post they call Andrew Minyard their soft angel child. Y’all. Not to hate on Andrew Minyard, but he literally drugged Neil? Even though he’s so big on consent, he drugged Neil?

So by saying this and that are problematic and should not be written and the people who do write it should be blocked, you’re kinda hypocritical. Because the All For The Game trilogy is one fucked up piece of media by itself.

And have you ever read a book?

Most books have characters that aren’t completely morally white or morally black, events that aren’t always sunshine, butterflies and rainbows.

And you know what else? That’s a good thing. Because the world isn’t like that either. And more often than not literature addresses topics critically.

Remember The Hunger Games? Exactly.

7. A Brief History Of Why Fanfic Is Awesome

In the beginnings of fanfic and fandom as we know it, slash was illegal in the USA. Fanfiction.net was made in like 1998, and during the first few years when fanfic got more attention with the rise of the internet, restrictions were made.

Much like tumblr in december 2018, except worse, fanfiction.net purged explicit content. Livejournal, the journaling platform where lots of fandom stuff happened before tumblr, is known for strikethrough, a big, unannounced deletion of fannish content. Because of those purges and restrictions, ao3 was originally made. I’m not trying to paint ao3 as the heroes that saved fandom, well I kinda am, and they are doing great things so that fanfiction can exist and remain accessible.

I think fiction is not just fiction. But fiction is just fiction in the sense that it doesn’t have any direct influence on the real world. We are all allowed to write whatever we want.

Disclaimer: We are all allowed to write whatever we want, except when we call for violence towards others in real life. Further disclaimer: Calling for violence towards others is illegal. Hate speech is illegal. Violent threats are illegal. Promotion of self-harm is illegal. Death threats are illegal.

To come back to fandom: Shipping or not shipping something has nothing to do with morals. Hating on people who ship “unhealthy power dynamics/problematic ships” does not give you the moral high ground. It makes you an asshole. For the love of Riko’s stinky socks, use the blocking feature.

My friend iknowwhoyouaredamianos said: “Hating people irl, lashing out against them, that's the real cruelty. That's so much worse than writing about something fictional.”

If you hate on real people, there is no trigger warning. You can’t don’t-like-don’t-read hate. It will affect that person’s life negatively, whether you intend to do so or not. Don’t be assholes, dears.

Thank you to my friend, and to iknowwhoyouaredamianos for letting me quote you and joining the discussion; and to foxsoulcourt for so many reasons.

Who knew that writing over 2000 words on fandom would be fun?

Dear anon, I hope I answered your question.

I’m gonna conclude this post with the Three Laws of Fandom:

I. Don’t Like; Don’t Read.

II. Your Kink Is Not My Kink.

III. Ship And Let Ship.

8. Links To Stuff That Might Be Of Interest

If you read all of the above and still feel like you don’t understand, have this awesome post by destinationtoast: How to not like fictional things (and not be a dick about it)

Podcasts on fandom culture by fansplaining:

Episode 84: Purity Culture

Episode 85: Age and Fandom

Episode 86: The Money Question

Episode 87: What we discourse about when we discourse about the discourse

Fandom positivity posts I reblogged (because y’all need it):

short post on staying positive in fandom

when discourse gets too stressful

important advice especially for those of you younger than 15 (but also older)

Tumblr user freedom-of-fanfic is writing lots of essays on lots of fandom things, here are some those more or less directly relate to this:

On criticising: Free to write whatever, free to criticise whatever?

A post on Fiction & Reality that answers a question very similar to the one I answered,

and Why fanworks are such a convenient social scrapegoat (kinda a socioeconomical discussion of USA-centric fandom)

There is also a very extensive FAQ by freedom-of-fanfic, with lots of very important writings on fandom culture on tumblr.

Unrelated, but if you’re interested in more of fandom, fanfic, and statistics of both:

http://destinationtoast.tumblr.com/stats

Interesting stuff on Fanlore: Purity Culture in Fandom, AO3 & Censorship, The Advantages of Fan Fiction as an Art Form.

An article on the free speech debate in fandom

Dreamwidth’s Diversity Statement, and Ao3’s Diversity Statement

A cool (and unrelated) thing: Femslash can save the world if we let it

Happy reading, and I hope you learned something.

[tendomayas]

The Revue of Solitude & Re: Create, An In-Depth Analysis

Endlessly listening to Re: Create made me revisit the Revue of Solitude yet again. I picked up on a lot of details about the song itself, and how it interacts with the visuals we’re seeing in the anime. In this essay, I will be discussing themes regarding childhood, the use of fire & water in the sequence, symbolic motifs that are present, etc. 

I'll have timestamps linked and screenshots attached to specific moments in the Revue. I even found a video that isolates Re: Create, so we can solely focus on the song & visuals (Credits to youtube user mint pepper!). I will be talking about the lyrics at times too, but I used @angelXind’s translations found on the /r/RevueStarlight page (credits to her too!). The video has Eng translations too, and I know both translator’s translations don’t exactly match word for word, but they’re close enough to get the same ideas across. And I know translating things to English can only go so far in really portraying the exact sentence’s meaning in its original language. We’ll just use what we have.

Let’s watch and listen closely to the whole revue, shall we? This analysis is very long (it’s almost 3k words don’t say I warned you...), but there is so much to unpack, guys. I hope you enjoy my reading of it!

Right off the bat, there are two sounds I want to focus on: the violins and the piano(and/or xylophone?) keys.

(0:06) The Piano/Xylophone Keys as Lullaby Music They remind me of lullaby music because of the high pitch. The sound is reminiscent of times when everything was still pure and innocent, and not tainted by how harsh reality is. This sound comes and goes a couple of times, and is mostly in the background, being overpowered by the other instruments.

(I’d like to point out that I’m 100% sure the lullaby sounds are not just only piano keys. They might be xylophones at times or even chimes... or a triangle? Whatever they are—I’m calling them lullaby music.)

The lullaby music being in the background is representative of how Hikari is still warming up to the idea that she and Karen can be on the same stage together. These sounds are only completely audible when Hikari fully reflects about their promise, and begins believing in it. I’ll talk more about this later on.

(0:07) The Violin(s) as Fairytales This initial violin sound reminds me of fairytale music—yet another theme in relation to childhood. The violin(s) sound very “flowy”—as if you’re being surrounded by their magic.

We are all captivated with stories as kids, and for Hikari, that story was Starlight. She loved it so much that she showed it to Karen. And Karen loved it so much that she saw herself and Hikari in it; believing that they could perform the play. Kids love roleplaying characters from stories, and they took that seriously that Starlight inspired them to pursue theater.

Fairytale settings are also known for having an ideal world where anything is possible. And of course, as children, you believe that two people can indeed stand on the same stage. Until you grow up and realize that’s not how the system works after all.

(0:30) The synth(?) reminds me of an igniting fire—a huge symbol we’ll see later on.

(0:43)

This is for the promise we made

Hikari’s lines in the entire song are dedicated to Karen. Let that thought sit throughout this whole analysis.

(1:48) The synth sounds come back in full-force, as the stage is filled with fire.

(1:57) Remember how I talked about that the lullaby sounds are just waiting to be heard, despite being in the background? This is one instance of it. In this part specifically, it sounds like it’s knocking on something. I would even say that’s indicative of how much the full memory between Hikari and Karen is just waiting to be explored.

(2:14) The lullaby-like keys are back, but they are in a more melancholic tone. They sound like they’re being defeated, and that is because Hikari’s stage is now filled with flames.

Fire as Passion, & Nana Nana wants to keep the flame of the Seisho’s 99th class’ Starlight play alive with her reenactments.

Fire as Rage, & Nana It is also a symbol of her rage towards Hikari, as her arrival broke the time loop. Hikari joining the auditions threw off Nana’s comfort zone. (Up until now, Nana thinks Hikari is the reason why things are changing—and not Karen—like we see her realize later on in EP9) And Nana has been trying so hard, in every iteration, to protect all their memories together. And with Hikari’s arrival, she has to deal with the possibility of leaving it all behind.

Fire as Destruction, & Nana Aside from Hikari disrupting Nana’s loops, the fire shows how destructive her own wish is to herself. She tells the giraffe that her ideal stage has become too radiant for her to reach, but is still convinced she’ll get it someday. And that thought has trapped her in an endless spiral for who knows how long—preventing her to move on and progress further.

Fire as Destruction, & Hikari Yes—fire is also a symbol of destruction for Hikari! It literally destroyed her stage!

The Fire and Grabbing Hand as the Top Star System First of all, let’s make it clear that Hikari’s stage represents her time London.

And more specifically, it’s the recital stage she performed on while she was at the Royal Academy for Theatrical Art.

The very beginning of the Revue looked like this:

Hikari is standing on top of some steps, ready to challenge Nana. Her being on the higher plane indicates dominance and power, and she had that while she was still in London. She was so good that she got to perform in their auditions—until she lost. But before leaving, she was told, in the exact same setup during that recital, that “Someday, [she] will have to fight that thing”.

Which brings us back to where we are now:

That “thing” could mean a lot of things, but one of my readings is that she has to face the reality of the Top Star system, and how destructive it is.

That system already destroyed her in London because she kept fighting in the auditions until she was just a pawn in their game. And when she was defeated, she lost all her motivation to become a stage girl. She realized how it feels like when the system makes a puppet out of you, and what happens if your brilliance as a star gets taken away. And that is all being mirrored by how wrecked her stage is right now.

The huge grabbing hand, along with the fire, emphasizes how powerful and controlling that system can be. We even get a sense of its massive scale in comparison their bodies. And see how it also has long, pointy fingernails? Remember in fairytales, how the villains always have those kinds of hands? Yup!

Nana is the one standing on a higher plane now, and the daunting hand is on her side of the stage, while Hikari is completely backed down to the ground. Nana clings onto destructive this system so much, that in this moment, her character represents it. Earlier in the Revue, Nana says, “You’re one of us now” to her. Hikari may have gone far in the London auditions, but she was back to square one in Seisho’s. Her weapon was even reduced from an actual sword to just a dagger.

(2:28) Hikari is prompted in answering this question. And it seems very intimidating to tell this daunting stage that you and your friend made a promise to do Starlight together.

(2:40) Lullaby Music as Comfort But moments after, Hikari finally starts to face this fear. Once she begins to tell the whole story about how much Starlight means to her and Karen, the mood of the music changes. It’s more uplifting, and we even hear some hints of sparkling sounds as that memory brings her comfort. The music, along with the visuals, takes us to that happy place when there was nothing wrong in the world. In these few seconds, she is reliving that sweet fairytale in her head.

(3:05) The sparkle sounds are back again, right when she says, “That was the moment I was born. As the stage girl, Kagura Hikari.” And her hand isn’t even trembling anymore.

(3:24) Intensified Violins as The Chase to Become a Stage Girl Oh god, this is one of my favorite parts of the whole song. The music sounds like it’s chasing something. This “chasing” music, paired with the visuals of her very first Revue, shows that that was the moment she bounced back from her defeat. She started fighting again because she remembered why she wants to in the first place.

(3:52) it sounds like the music is being defeated again. This shift reflects Hikari realizing it is now inevitable that she would have to fight Karen in the auditions. We hear a loud bell too, as the visuals also took us back to reality, forcing us out of those dream-like flashbacks.

(3:59) I really love this because they are literally fighting on the last building standing. Hikari has that much foundation left, but it’s enough to keep her going. The scale composition is also good because you could really the tower, where the crown sits, as it looks down on Hikari’s burnt stage.

(4:16) Lullaby Music Sounding Like a Child’s Wind-Up Music Box Oh lord, another favorite part of mine. Notice how this is the only part of the song where the lullaby music is completely isolated. We are shown a flashback of that day where Hikari and Karen catch up on all those years apart from each other—the very day where Karen reminds her about their promised stage—at the same place they made it years ago.

The lullaby music isn’t even a lullaby anymore—it’s a full-on children’s wind-up music box. And you know how you have to wind up its key all the way back, in order to hear the whole song? That’s exactly what happened on that day they caught up. They went back to the place they made their promise, as grown-ups. Karen reminded Hikari that if they can pass the auditions together, they could still stand on the same stage. And the very thought of that comforts Hikari so much, that she starts believing in it.

(4:39) Her hair pin—which Karen gave to her during the promised day—begins to shine, as she is empowered from all these memories.

(4:42) Alright guys here we go! The stage is shifting and so is Hikari’s weapon!. There is a lot happening, so let’s go over this one by one.

(4:51) Hikari’s Weapon, Part 1: the Eye Motif I like to think that the twinkling eye represents how much Karen has literally opened her eyes to the possibility of sharing the same stage together.

(4:57) The little “barriers”(/guard? quillion? Not sure what that part of a dagger is, and Googling can only go so far) weapon literally opens up too.

And having the lyric at this very moment be 

Our dream unfolds

Is such impeccable timing.

(5:01) Tokyo Tower Falling The Tokyo Tower falling into the water, causing a giant tidal wave, is how powerful Hikari’s promise is with Karen. All these memories she just reflected on elevated her emotions—represented by the water—so much that it’s overflowing. 

(5:18) Literally—who could forget these magnificent succession of frames. Who. Tell Me.

Before I talk about the water, I’d like to point out that Hikari and Nana are finally standing on the same plane. Meaning they now both have the same amount of power to give their all in the audition.

Anyway, let’s discuss what all this water means.

Water as Emotions As I’ve mentioned above, water is the element of emotions. The amount of water in this scene is how much emotion is contained and released within Hikari, as she remembers her drive to win.

Water as a Flowing Current and Tidal Wave Water is an element that flows—free to literally roam around anywhere it wants to be. At times it can be blocked by huge rocks or pieces of wood, but a tiny stream will eventually form, and will find its way out. Water also comes and goes in waves, especially in the sea. These two qualities of water shows how Hikari is able to bounce back in times where she has lost. Despite how many times her flow has been disrupted, or her tidal wave crashed—she will always make a come back.

Water as Cleansing Ultimately, the water is a metaphor for Hikari cleansing the toxic environment the burning stage had. Her memories with Karen are enough to get rid of it all—to wash off the destruction, and the doubt that they can’t win. 

(5:25) Water as Life The lyrics here translated to English are along the lines of:

In the days when we were young The small seed that we planted then Has started to grow and bloom Guided by the stars

The seed is Hikari and Karen’s promise to perform Starlight together. That seed is being watered every time they remember to wear their hair pins, even when they got enrolled in performing art schools, and as they became actresses in their school’s stage plays, etc. Their plant has been growing until it started blooming today—because of their reunion. And because of Hikari finally warming up to the concept that they can win together.

And you know, the Act 2 of the Revue is literally titled, “Blooming the Star.”

The music in this sequence sounds like actual happy fairytale music again—but there’s a lot more instruments this time, making it feel grander than before.

(5:40) There goes the “chasing” music again, adding even more drama to the emotional quality of the song. All of this shows Hikari’s fierce determination to win.

(5:45) Hikari’s Weapon, Part 2: the “Hook” as Her Perseverance No matter how far astray Hikari has gone during her auditions in London, she still managed to find her way back to her roots with Karen. Just like how the hook will continue to grip on the same spot, until one reaches that point after following the rope it’s attached to.

She also uses the dagger/hook as a swing, and you know how she literally swung back after being defeated? Yup.

Not to mention how great it is again that the lyrics are

I’ll reach my hand out towards you

is sung once she uses her newly transformed dagger/hook for the first time.

And with all of that perseverance, Hikari wins this round of the auditions. 

The last thing I would like to point out are the last lines of the song:

Our bonds connected by the stars Can make a miracle happen

Hikari finally defeated Nana—who has won the auditions countless times beforehand. Now I consider that a freaking miracle. But guess who else won?

Karen. She won against Claudine too, the second-best one in the class. I would say that’s a miracle. Karen—the girl who jumped in—someone who wasn’t even supposed to be a part of the Revues in the first place. And she won because she holds her dream with Hikari so close to her heart.

And that ends this long analysis of Re: Create + the Revue of Solitude! If you made it this far, please know that I love you. And I hope all these small details will add to your experience in rewatching/listening to the song/scene again! Thank you for reading.

[hcfhhgg]

Hi @pixiesandink , I hope better late than never...Here your Secret Santa gift. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year and all that. I hope you are having a good time with your snow :-)

By the time Iida and Midoriya returned with their umbrellas, Uraraka was sitting in a garbage container and refused to leave. “It’s my home now.” she puffed, sitting cross-legged, arms folded above her chest while slowly sinking into the mass of thrown away class assignments and shredded meeting minutes: “I live here.”

“It’s a garbage container.”, Iida argued, having faced to many pointless discussions to care much whether his reasons mattered to her.

“Its paper.” She explained: “Soft and comfy. And I don’t have to walk to school at all.”

“That’s inappropriate and probably illegal,” he continued, chopping the air, as he was wont to: “And dangerous on top.”

“It’s a single room flat in a good area,” she shook her head in overplayed disappointment: “People murder for this kind of place. And it comes fully furnished,” she gestured at the paper surrounding her.

“This is the school yard.”

The UA towers stood high to their right, looking foreboding against the grey afternoon sky, the tinted windows reflecting the fading light in deep blue, seeming eternal and calm against the wind beaten branches of near standing trees, shrill signing birds flitting between their branches, hiding from the oncoming storm. It smelled of rain, and the promise of an evening spent huddling in the common room, hoping the electricity would hold while fighting over blankets, their voices drowning out the sound of rain beating against the windows.

Uraraka shifted again, sinking even deeper into her new home, as she aimlessly pulled pieces of paper from the mess. With her head at about Iidas height, she huffed lazily, shaking her head: “What did you think of the essay questions today?”

The other one leaned forwards, setting his forearms against the side of the garbage container, carefully avoiding all dirt and eying his friends new home suspiciously: “I definitively have to study when we return. They are putting significantly more empathies on their humanities program now than they did when my brother went here.”

She nodded her agreement, through she knew nothing about the schools humanities program several years ago: “That last question really got me confused. Did we cover that in class.”

“It was on one of the hand-outs, actually.” Midoriya chimed in from below, having sat himself down on the dirty asphalt besides the containers, his painfully yellow umbrella opened above him, as if to create a small cave consisting only of it, him and the worn out sweater he had thrown over his Uniform: “I hardly understood it through, anyway.” He yawned.

It was the week of test preparation, with teachers drilling theoretical information into them, even putting off part of their physical regime in favour of endless repetition and practise tests.

“I didn’t read those.” Uraraka signed, leaving Iida torn between reprimanding her for not fully following the lessons or scolding himself for forgetting valuable class material.

“I doubt it matter through.” Midoriya went on: “Hardly anyone who is not amongst the top five solved that one. I heard Yaoyorozu say she struggled with it, even.”

“History isn’t her thing huh?” his friend asked past a struggling Iida, still undecided: “But she is so brilliant at Chemistry. Think they will keep a question even the best student can’t answer?”  

This made Iida snap. Taking a deep breath and completing a few forceful chops against the unsuspecting air he made his decision known, launching into a lengthy monologue on work ethics, which, to the readers convenience, shall here be reduced to its essence: “Of course they should keep it. As students and future hero we have a duty to meet the highest expectations of not only this school, but society also. It would do you two good to remember…” he started, pushing himself of the garbage container to flathandendly point at Uraraka: “…that even the history of a pre quirk society can be relevant to your work one day.”

“Hm. You think so? But how?” his friend wondered, leaning forwards to look over the side of the container downwards: “He does have a point through.”

Midoriya shrugged, the motion hardly visible through his oversized yellow sweater: “We still have two more weeks to learn, so they might just…expect us to forget everything else.”  

“Who needs a hero when you could have someone who understands a gold-standard.” Uraraka laughed, throwing her head back and glancing up at the sky, which was cloudy and unusually dark for a summer day.

“The gold-standard”, it sounded from below, the words torn away from the boy’s mouth, hardly audible against her disinterest. With one hand she took hold of some discharged papers, making them float before pushing them up into the wind. Iida huffed disapprovingly as they where ripped towards the east gate.

“How long can you keep that up?”

“Long enough.” She grinned, watching the paper disappear in the distance: “With something that light till the next shopping district maybe.” A smile broke across her face: “Have you ever drunk like an astronaut?”

Iida huffed, recognizing the abrupt change of topic as what it was, but Midoriya, who knew that the evening would be filled with relentless studying and quiet discomfort, laughed: “With a straw?”

“Yes,” she bobbled her head up and down, her knees sinking in deeper from the sudden movement: “Or like Pacman,” she looks almost proud saying it, snapping her mouth shut trying to imitate the video game character and both boys where struck by the sudden realisation that they would probably soon find out how the dirty brown spots appeared on the common room celling over the weekend.  

“Yes”, the smaller boy perked up, his head bumping against the umbrella: “Like an obstacle run, weightless in the air,” he smiled up to them, waving off Iida, whose face softened at the look of excitement on his friends face: “You could train body awareness and agility. Stamina too. With all the - Is it more straining to float liquids?”

“Huh?” Uraraka tilted her head, trying to compare the effort to the lifting of a solid object and coming up empty: “It’s different I think. I can’t actually touch all of it.”

“Oh! So it is all about the surface tension?” her friend asked from below.

“I guess.” She sounded uncertain, twirling a strand of hair around her finger: “Its weird. I was not paying that much attention.” A slight blush crossed her face, remembering the last Saturday night when the common room had been to quiet, with only her and Kaminari sitting on the plush couches, trying to scare the night away with pointless chatter and bad ideas. To throw some drinks into the air had been his suggestion, the kind of drinks as well and she had agreed because she was fifteen and these here the kind of trills she should experience. Nothing more than a slight taste of danger laced with stupidity and laughter. The kind of things that made time pass quicker.  

A single drop of rain landed on her face and stopped her in her thoughts, running down her nose and dropping on her lips. Laughing she licked it up, wondering about water pollution and the sense of inner tension floating liquids gave her: “Deku,” she said, reaching backwards for the lid of the garbage container: “ Iida, I think it’s starting.”

Iida looked upwards, at the grey clouds looking just a shade darker than before as he blinked away a raindrop in the corner of his eye. Ignoring the sound of the lid being closed he reached for his umbrella, feeling more drops falling on his thin hair and smiling at Midoriyas quiet mumble: “…he wont like that, he’ll…”

Alarmed his head shot up, starring at Uraraka who smiled at him softly beneath the half closed lid of the container, fitting comfortably and looking cosy lying amongst the thrash, shoulders angled slightly towards him, her legs almost entirely covered by the paper. He blinked as she burst out in laughter, her body convoluting as the scandalised look on his face deepened.

“What are you thinking? We are…” he started, frowning and jerking his head as more raindrops soaked through his hair, the sudden movement letting them drop into his face as he hit the containers side repeatedly.

“Wait, what is she doing?” Midoriya shouted from below, giggling along his friend at the taller boys attics.

“Aw, come on,” despite her apologetic smile, wide and open and not regretful at all, the girls voice was teasing as she tried to wards of the punishing lecture that was sure to follow: “I’m the one without an umbrella.”

“Something any of your friends,” Iida waved at the space behind him, indicating nothing but empty asphalt and rain: “… could have helped you with! Here,” he opened his umbrella, which was wide and dark, looking sturdy and expensive, with light brown studs at the end of its rips, just the kind of model his friends would have expected him to own and held it over the container, leaving his own back uncovered: “… we can share.”

Uraraka laughed again, pushing her head out from below the lid and under the umbrella: “You know that this is exactly the kind of umbrella I thought you had.”

It took her some wriggling and crawling to push herself from the paper, hands folded to activate her quirk a moment before she threw her arms around Iida and, with a forceful jump, let herself float almost vertically upwards, rain and dirt staining her clothing while the taller boy tried desperately to hold onto her and keep them both covered. They must have made for a ridicules picture, because when Midoriya, still seated on the ground in a small circle of dryness, peered at them from below his shelter, he began to giggle, starting with a small, swallowed sound, that soon turned into cut-off pleas to stop, please, of not for Iidas, then for his hearts sake.

It took a few minutes for the two to sort themselves out, like an overworked machine trying to pull a hot-air balloon down to earth, both moving unsuccessfully to avoid each others flailing limps, like two dancers attempting to push each other off balance, as if they where not sure if they should be fighting or help each other to float off into space to never be seen again.

“I am getting good at this.” Uraraka said, after her feet had again found the ground, her friend holding onto her shoulders as if trying to keep her grounded. Her face was slightly pale; looking sickly against her dropping wet hair she spent some time trying to push back. Still she was smiling, proud and exhausted as if she would do this again, in a day maybe, after she had gotten to spent some quality time with her bed: “Who is up for some hot chocolate?”

“I am certainly not ‘up’ anything.” The grip around her shoulders tightened, but she could hear something like happy displeasure in the boys’ voice: “But I would not mind something warm to drink. Are you coming Midoriya?” he asked, already turning towards the dorm, relived about the end of a chaos he had enjoyed all the more for knowing that it would end.

“No”, the boy chimed from the ball of yellow below: “I will not abandon this small heaven of dryness.”

“Huh?” came from above: “You too.”

“I think,” said Uraraka, a slight frown marring her face: “You broke him Deku. Congratulations. No hot chocolate for you.”, she sung, looking smug, sickly and happy at the continuation of their attics.

“But,” the teen whined: “All the dedication and patience that went into staying dry! If I get up now, I will be wet too. And I haven’t done the laundry.”

“You can wear…No.” The girl shook her head, remembering, with glee, giddily excitement and slight remorse the last time her friend had tried on any of her clothes and stretched her fourth best tight fitting shirt to a pyjama: “Your can wear Iidas clothes. Right?”

“Wha-? Yes, I am, of course, always happy to help a friend, even if it would not be necessary if said friend had done his chores.” Despite trying to sound accusatory, waving his hands through the air, the dark haired boy seemed to smile, even through he was shivering in the cold, as he tried to pull Uraraka closer to his body, using her as personal source of warmth.

“Oh really?” she muttered: “I bet…” With a slight tap to the shelve of his sweater Midoriya felt himself lifted off the ground, struggling and trying to maintain contact with the small, round patch of asphalt he had sat one, the ground darkening as the first drops of rain fell on it belatedly.

With a drawn out ‘NO’ the teen gave up his fight, stretching his hand comically towards the disappearing dry asphalt, as he was drabbed along on his right foot, trying and failing to keep at least his upper body dry as he wined along his friends cheerful chants of ‘one of us’, preparing to soon be dropped unexpectedly. He had seen Uraraka before, after all.

 They made it halfway to the dorms before she dropped him, letting herself fall dramatically into his arms as soon as he had stood up and she brought her stomach under control, fainting sudden weakness and screaming as he tried to lift her over his head.

“Waaaarm.”, she groaned after he had successfully lowered her and hugged him. He hugged back until Iida threw himself over the two, slinging his arms around both their shoulders and throwing them of balance, seeming perfectly content as they all tumbled onto the ground, just a few meters from their destination.

“Now,” Uraraka chided: “Now I really need to shower.”

“You sat in a garbage container.” He replied as he rolled off them: “You should anyway.”

[crazyfreckledginger]

Q&A

Thank you to those who have asked questions, y’all are awesome!! It also means the world to me that we got this far! 80k you guys oh my god! You guys brighten my day I love and appreciate every single one of you!

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Everywhere! I want to visit every 

Which Robin is your personal favorite?

Oh no you didn’t! 😂 I can’t really choose, but I know my least favourite is Tim! (Sorry timmy!) But Dick, Jay and Dami are my boys!

Do you like to read? And if so, do you have a favorite book or series? / favorite book?

I like to read fanfiction, does that count? 😂 But as books, I love ‘Finding Audrey’ by Sophie Kinsella and ‘Everything, Everything’ by Nicola Yoon

What got you into the batboys?/  How did you develop interest in the batfamily?

I have absolutely no idea! Oh, no, actually, I think I saw an imagine on Tumblr a year ago and just started reading fanfiction about it!

Outside the Batfamily, who is your favorite superhero (or superheroes)?

Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff, Peter Parker Laura Kinney and Logan Howlett! 

do you considere the robin's similar to peter Parker??

Yes, especially Tim!

How to you get inspiration for your one-shots?/  What inspired you to start writing? / What made you want to start writing? What do you do to get inspiration in writing?/ What is your motivation or drive? 

Before I started requests, I just had an accumulation of random stories in my head and had to write them out, now, most things. Sometimes it’s because of dreams, movie I watch with interesting scenes or plot twists, books or general ideas that just pop into my head, sometimes it’s also ‘what if’ type questions, if that makes sense.   

If your favorite batboy died,  how would you feel?

TeRiRbIE, probably mourning for the rest of my life lol.

Young justice season 3?

HELL YEAH DICK IS HAWT AF OMG

What's your favourite food?/ Favorite Food, 

Indian and Mexican food for life!

What do you like the most about your fave batboy?

EVERYTHING, MY BOYS ARE PRECIOUS

Do you think the rumor about Damian being Jason's son is true?

I didn’t hear about this before but nope, I mean how even?? 😂 Like, in most universes, the age gap between the two is between 10 to 14 years, how- I don’t- no, and besides, they come from a completely different background and I don’t know where this is from but it’s always going to be a no in my heart! 

Can you relate to any of the batboys?

All of them! I’ll generalise a lot because this might turn into an essay otherwise lmao.

Damian for his love of animals and hating people in general. Tim for the lack of sleep.  Jason is me tbh. Dick loves puns and jokes as much as I do.

Are Bruce and your father alike?

Kind of?

What's your favourite T.V show?

Sons Of Anarchy, Friends, The Vampire Diaries and Good Girls

Are you looking forward to Titans on October 18th?

I have mixed feelings about it, I’m happy they are making a live action Dick and Jason but it looks really bad, I’m still going to keep an open mind though!

Jason and Artemis or Kori and Dick?

Kori and Dick, I don’t seen Jason and Artemis’ relationship as more than friends, I don’t know what happened in RHATO, which is funny how I keep talking about the comics since I magically have never read any of them??? 

Thoughts on Redhood's transformation In Redhood the Outlaw?

I want my Jaybird hair back. I’m oKaY with the new design but I adore the old design!

Cookies: Alfred or M'gann?

Alfred’s (that was a tough one though!)

Is Brenton Thwaites good enough to be Robin in the upcoming series?

I don’t know! I’ve never really had a good face claim for Dick so I’m going to keep an open mind about it. He’d better had a nice bubble butt though!

Jason's gun or Dick's eskrimas?

Ughh this is haaard! Maybe Dick’s eskrima sticks.

Talia or Selena?

Selena

Poison ivy or Harley Quinn?

Harley Quinn

If you were in DC universe and you will be able to make a crossover it will be with?: Marvel, Transformers, Supernatural

Marvel or Transformers!!

Do you like birdflash?

I only see them as bros but I respect people’s choice of shipping them together!

Besides Batman what other fandoms are you into ?

Marvel, Sons Of Anarchy, Transformers, Stranger Things, Good Girls, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Vampire Diaries and loads more!

What’s your most liked story on wattpad

This one lmao (batboys x reader)

Do you like voltron  if so who’s your favorite paladin

I don’t watch Voltron, sorry, the fandom is insane and scary on Tumblr (without wanting to generalise) . I’ve tried watching an episode but I just can’t seem to get into it!

Will  you take request in the future Not that I’m asking for one I’m just curious I love your writing style

Aw thanks! 🙈 That’s so sweet of you. And yes of course!! I just closed them because I didn’t know when I would be able to have a reliable amount of time to write, I’m opening them soon hopefully! :)

Favorite movie of all time/  What's your favorite movie and why?

Logan, the FeElS, plus my girl Laura plus my man Donald Pierce is in it.

The Dark Knight (the one with Bane and The Joker) both villains are extremely intimidating and Nolan was able to portray them in an extremely terrifying way whilst keeping us on edge for the whole movies! True masterpieces.

Also Tomb Raider because kick some ass queen omg.

favorite character characters

DONALD PIERCE, Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff, Natasha Romanoff, Laura Kinney, Dick Grayson, Wally West, Roy Harper, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne among so so many others.

favorite (video) game, 

Outlast and Until Dawn! 

Do you have/wish to have any pets? 

Yes I have had a bunch! Three rabbits, a sheep and a goat! I wish I’d have a cat though!

How would you describe your clothing style? 

Comfortable and tries to be at least a little stylish lol

Any artists/celebs You look up to? 

Not really no, I’ve never really looked up to anyone.

What kind of music do you like? 

Pop, Classical not the Mozart type of classical.

Do You have any "rituals" regarding your writing process? 

Yes! If it’s a series, I write the whole plot down on a book with details and elements that I want included. I keep it besie me to be sure I follow the plot whislt writing it.

Since I write in the evening, if there’s a one shot request that I lack inspiration about, I write something else and think of a plot when I’m in bed before i go to sleep. It really helps be get the requests written and in the queue. 

I normally sit in front of my TV, catching up on my series or something and just write. I don’t really have a ritual other than this!

Favourite cartoon?

Young Justice ayyye!

If you were to choose your own name, what would it be? 

I’ve never really thought about it, I don’t know, I like my name! 

But I really like Kia or *gasp* Sam. Not Samantha but just Sam.

Favourite mythical creature? 

Griffin, phenix and dragons!

What language do you wish to speak? 

Italian and Spanish!

Any lucky items/superstisions?

A tiger’s eye necklace my cousin gave me three years ago, I wear it everyday! If you could be any animal, real or mythical, what would you be? 

A tiger, an eagle or a griffin. I can’t choose lol!

Do you think you'd survive in a post apocalyptic world? 

Maybe? I mean I feel like I would be smart enough but I saw World War Z and dying is better than surviving with traumatic experiences running through your head 24/7!

Where would you go for a dream vacation? 

Everywhere! I want to visit the world!

If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you wish for? (No wishing for more wishes lol) 

DANG IT! 

1. That everyone should have a different perspective so that they can realise how bad the world is becoming and to change that.

2. Appreciation of every single being on the planet that sexual orientation does not matter in a relationship and that, no matter what you consider yourself, that society accepts you no matter what.

3. That everyone becomes the best person they can possibly be. We could conquer the world!

Do you prefer rain or sun? 

RAIN!

Do you like thunderstorms? 

Hell yeah!

Are you good at puzzles? 

Depends which ones, generally yes. Depending on my mood, I can be very stubborn and finish it and sometimes I’m going to be screw it I give up lol!

What do you enjoy most about life? 

My mutuals, happiness, fraternity, you guys and a few other things I’m sure (can’t remember)

What's your favorite fictional world? (DC, Marvel, Shadowhunters, etc) 

DC, Marvel, Transformers and the 10 year old in me says Narnia as well!

What do you think happens after we die? 

I feel like you’d come back as a different person. I’ve always wanted to believe that you’d become an animal but I have no idea!

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Indian food!!

Do you like to dance? 

Yes but alone! I’m horrible at dancing!

Where do you feel most comfortable/safe? 

With my best friend! Or at home!

What's something that always makes you smile? 

My mutuals, your comments they seriously make my day a little brighter.

Are you good at gardening? 

Nope I don’t like it either!

What's your preferred footwear? 

Sneakers if that’s what it’s called!

Favorite flower?

Roses!

What fills up your heart to bursting level? 

Kitties and puppies! 😍 Also anything including helping people or animals together and/or animals with their owners.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? 

Opening up to someone, showing my feelings and emotions and getting out there to make friends. I haven’t had the best childhood.

What’s your favorite poem or saying? 

“Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst”

And most importantly: do you think we'll ever see good writing again in DC for our favorite characters?

I really hope so, the writers are becoming more and more despised. Only DC fans hate DC on a completely different level of hatred lmao.

What'd you think of Heath Ledger's Joker?

Terrifying. heath Ledge did a fine good job at portraying someome that puts that unsettling feeling in your gut. Every one of his scenes are iconic. The best Joker so far in my opinion. 

whO rAnKs NumBer TwO iN "Batboys with a fresh booty" since we all know dick ranks number one

Hmmmm, 

Conclusion...

That’s a very cute tushy if you ask me!

[not my pics]

what do you think about Erik Lehnsherr and Stephen Strange?

I’m not particularly attacted to Erik but I know he’s misunderstood and I understand why he’s so loveable by many people in the X-Men fandom. But he’s just not my type of guy.

Stephen Strange is badass and a sass master and no one can convince me otherwise. He’s an awesome character.

what would your perfect date with Donnie (Donald Pierce) be like?

Ohhh, going to the movies and then just hanging out somewhere nice, talking and laughing and then ordering takeaway and cuddling up on the couch whilst watching Netflix ahhh! 🙈

[sunnycarrztakesthemba]

I was hoping this post would be that of my success... sadly it is not.

Not sure if I have mentioned this in any of my previous posts - but one’s application to an MBA programme is made of 4 components: 

1. The GMAT score - it is only natural that the higher you score, the better the schools you have a shot at 

2. Your application essay - lots of introspection required, refer to previous blog posts. 

3. Your work experience  

4. Your undergraduate GPA

Item 4 is pretty much set, so there is nothing you can do about it. But items 1, 2 and 3 - you can act on. Honestly, items 2 and 3 are actually not that difficult if you play your cards right. But item 1. Let me tell you. 

I’ve taken the GMAT thrice now. It’s been 10 months. I’m tired. Of doing it over and over again, of keeping my motivation up and of being stuck on this for the past 10 months.

First Attempt: 590 - ok fair enough, I’d barely studied, work sucked and I brightly decided to check my work email before the exam, only to find one from an angry boss which also kinda threw me off my game and gave me even more test anxiety. Bombed it, as expected. 

Second Attempt: 660 - I studied for a good whole 3 months. I’d analysed my weaknesses and had worked on them. I was also scoring 710s in mocks consistently so I thought i’d minimally score a 710 on the actual test. Missed the mark by 50 points... Needless to say, I was disappointed. I said ok, third time’s the charm. Held my head up high and booked my next test. A good friend asked me to consider hiring tutors and going for GMAT Prep classes (and because I actually value his opinion a lot and he makes sense 99% of the time), I did a couple of trial classes and picked Jamboree. 

Now, these guys are amazing. I was assigned one quants tutor and one verbal tutor. Within 5 weeks, I was scoring between 720-750 for mock tests. My fundamentals were pretty much set. But this process was tiring - juggling a full time job, and doing my “homework” I got really burnt out. But it’s fine because I was finally producing results. 

Third Attempt: I was scoring between 720-750 on my mocks, I knew I was going to crush it. My final score was a pathetic 650. I was speechless... I mean come on - it is lower than my previous score. I wasn’t anxious before the test, but got thrown off by a few slightly difficult questions on the quant section and that’s when everything started to go downhill. The worst part is knowing that I am capable of so much more, and the only reason why I’m back to square 1 is that I’m just terrible at keeping my cool when things go awry. Also low-key bummed I have to DO THE TEST AGAIN because that 77th percentile with my 660 is not getting me into an M7 school. 

Honestly, today I just feel defeated, upset, disappointed and angry. I just want to lay in bed, cry and nap. Though I couldn’t get myself to nap. Why? Because every time I closed my eyes, that 650 just flashed in front of my eyes. So I did the next best thing - worked a little and watched gossipgirl (LOL, my guilty pleasure). I also spent 3 hours just living on gmat forums and reading about people who took the gmat multiple times to get their ideal scores, and about people who overcame their test anxiety. It gave me comfort, knowing that I’m not alone. More so, knowing that there are ways to overcome the issues I am facing and that I’m not a lost cause. Which I personally don’t think I am. 

I’m not going to lie, I have had thoughts of giving up multiple times today. 

“Maybe I’m not cut out for this”, “Maybe I should consider doing this later”, “Maybe...[any other excuse I can find]”. 

Same friend who makes sense 99% of the time sent me a video of Kobe Bryant - may he rest in peace - today (because I was complaining about feeling defeated, god bless ur soul, pal), and I watched it (duh). One thing stuck with me though, when Kobe said that every time something went bad or he felt like giving up and found himself making excuses, he’d tell himself that he was not going to negotiate [with himself]. He was gonna honour the contract he’d signed with himself, no matter how things were going. Monday sucked? Tuesday wasn’t that great? There’s still Wednesday to get better, and Thursday and Friday etc. What matters is that we keep going every day and make an effort to be better than yesterday. And that is what I’ll do. Like Dory the fish, I will just keep swimming.

I made myself a promise 9 years ago that I’ll study in an Ivy League (here’s looking at u, Columbia) and another one at the start of this year that I’ll get a GMAT score above 730. Those are the contracts I’ve signed with myself, and I’m sure as hell gonna honour them. My dream is worth fighting for and I know that I won’t forgive myself if I let go of it. 

I guess the struggle makes victory taste better. And I will taste it soon. For now, I will take the 2 week break that I have earned (even though it may not have translated into results yet, but I have definitely put in the work and spent time & energy), and I need to be back stronger and energised for that final push. I know I can do it. And I will be living my dream in the next 2 years. 

[readonline]

https://nyti.ms/34FebC6 8, 2020 at 09:27PM

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Modern Love

If grief is the price of love, I am unable to pay.

Credit...Brian Rea

By Jared Misner

On the day I knew Alison would die, I called my two dogs into bed with me and wrapped all three of us in a quilt that’s hand stitched with my wedding vows.

This being such a custom item, it’s curious that three of them exist.

For my wedding two years ago, Alison had commissioned the hand stitching of this quilt — 1,420 words across 42 square feet. But the quilter kept messing it up with errant commas and misspelled words, so Alison made her start over, twice. She wasn’t about to be responsible for giving a less-than-perfect gift to me and my future husband, Nate. Still, the quilter had us keep the first two because there was no sense in returning them.

Before the doctors unplugged Alison in late April — one more body claimed by the coronavirus, lost amid the zeros and statistics to become a footnote in our sordid history — that’s who she was at her core: dedicated to perfection and superior gift-giving.

More than that, she was my best friend for 12 years, and even though I’m now married to a wonderful man, I’m not sure I’ll ever love someone like I loved Alison.

I suppose it’s fitting that this gift — the most perfect my husband and I received at our wedding, the gift we use more than any other, the gift I now find myself clinging to in Alison’s absence — came from the woman who was my first, and I suppose only, Facebook-official wife.

[Sign up for Love Letter, our weekly email about Modern Love, weddings and relationships.]

Smitten with ourselves at the satirical shade we threw at others who lived for the drama and gossip of online relationship statuses at a time when Facebook had walls instead of feeds and when people still wrote on their friends’ walls, we made the digital declaration to one another and began our first marriage.

It was the most successful fictitious marriage I’ve had in my life, full of artisanal jams from roadside stands and dreams of one day living in a cabin in Vermont with a dozen dogs and a shed devoted to Halloween decorations.

Given that I’ve only been married to my husband for two years, I suppose you could say that my relationship with Alison was the most successful, long-lasting marriage I have had, period.

But now, at 29, she is dead, the ventilator no longer breathing for her, moved on to the next victim of Covid-19.

To die from this plague is a tragedy. To witness a loved one do so is a merciless, unrelenting kind of sadness — prolonged and filled with false hope. It is a faraway, forced mourning, her body a vector of contagion. It is a unique grief overridden by a forced education in a vocabulary I never wanted to learn: hydroxychloroquine, extubation, Remdesivir.

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And to die in the year of our lord 2020 is to die in so many places with deluging notifications, incessantly pinging you to remind you that your best friend is dead.

Texts from her father, Rich, an accountant from New York who now lives in West Palm Beach but still sounds like a New Yorker, and who once described my skinny jeans in college as “hot pants,” go off on my phone like bombs.

I think: Is this the one that tells me my best friend is dead?

Facebook posts from her mother, Robin (who once stole three mini cast-iron pans from a tapas restaurant in Gainesville, Fla., which still hang in my kitchen 12 years later), are an unpunctuated stream of terror, anger and fear. People “react” to her posts with digital tears. Instagram posts implore Alison to wake up, then shift to digital memorials, ephemeral stories that tag Alison, which she, despite the notifications, is unable to add to her own “story” because, again, she is dead.

To die amid this pandemic is to die over Zoom, your loved ones reduced to Hollywood Squares and requests to mute. Sharing stories about yesteryear with a video lag while your best friend is sedated. And while your friend dies in her hospital bed, hundreds of miles away, the process also involves rolling your eyes at the baby boomers on the call who insist on holding their phones below their chins rather than at eye level.

And then there are my own posts that I felt so obligated to birth into existence. To mourn your best friend in the 21st century is to do so publicly or risk others wondering why you haven’t already.

So I uploaded a 17-page letter Alison had written me in 2012, as we prepared to graduate from journalism school and begin our adult lives. It earned some 300 views, so I guess people liked it. How does one measure the support of digital grief anyway? Would I have loved her more if my “story” had received 400 views? Would our friendship mean more if a few more people had sent crying emojis in response?

On pages six and seven of the letter, Alison wrote, “I’m overwhelmed with clichés right now as I try to label our relationship. Best friends? Family? Soul mates? Soon-to-be newlyweds? Nothing feels right.”

“Nothing feels right” has a more macabre tinge to it these days because, well, nothing feels right.

In college at the University of Florida, and then continuing for the next eight years, Alison and I would say to each other, “Thank you for ruining me.” It was our way of telling the other: You’re so perfect, your understanding of me so nuanced and deep, that no man could ever match you.

By being all of these things, by accompanying me on another fruit-themed fall festival somewhere in north-central Florida, by sitting in a Czech restaurant in Ontario, and making me laugh even in the memo section of Venmo, “Thank you for ruining me” was to say “No one will ever know me or love me like you.”

Now that I’m actually married (the legal kind), I can say I love my husband very much. He is pragmatic, kind and handsome.

But he does not pull over for garage sales. He does not smuggle bags of dog costumes and treats out of press events to later give to my dogs and my parents’ dogs. He does not bring friendship bracelet crafts or design-your-own hats to our annual Labor Day trip and does not understand my references to the Beehive. He has no idea why Alison and I, eight years later, still laugh at the thought of when the chickens finally came to roost.

He does not speak in the Voice, a high-pitched apology-laced tone that came from who knows where but which we spoke in almost always.

He is, simply, not Alison. He could never be. It is (was?) a different kind of love. And nothing feels right now.

What happens to our inside jokes that litter the filing cabinets of my mind? Do they die along with her? Do I laugh to myself? What happens to her Facebook wall, the only record of our marriage, my first, her only?

One night while I wept in bed, my husband said to me, “Grief is the price of love.”

It was a typical thing for Nate to say: stoic New England pragmatism, the opposite of what I wanted to hear, the last thing Alison would have said. Yet it was everything I needed to hear.

He’s right, of course. He always is. One of the many reasons I married him.

But that love was expensive, a jumbo-size mortgage on my heart that I fear I won’t ever be able to repay.

Alison and I, both phone-call-averse millennials, would commonly talk on the phone for two hours at a time. Nate knew to go upstairs, don’t wait up when Alison called, the picture of her dressed as a cat for Halloween in 2012 appearing on my phone.

Do I keep her in my contact favorites now? Do I delete her? Do I unfriend her?

To die in 2020 is a messy amalgamation of digital business.

At my wedding, I asked Alison to read a passage from “The Velveteen Rabbit.” It’s a paragraph I have hanging in my home about what it means to be “real.”

The rabbit asks if becoming real hurts. The skin horse tells him yes, sometimes, it does. Sometimes your eyes will get rubbed off in the process and you’ll lose some of your shine. But that’s how you know you’re real. Nothing real can ever remain untouched.

The whole time they’re talking about love, of course.

I didn’t make the connection when I asked Alison to read that passage at my wedding, but it also describes us. Alison made me real. Alison ruined me. And I am better because of it.

Jared Misner is a writer in Charlotte, N.C.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.

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From Modern Love

[28allthelove28]

Why I Believe In ‘Larry Stylinson’ And Why It Is Very Beautiful (18,000 words)

Author’s note

Why have I written this?

 One Direction unexpectedly came into my life in December 2015 and never left. I tried to fight it, then I accepted that it is not a bad thing. Perhaps I was hesitant to embrace the obsession because as someone whose favourite bands are The Cure, Suede and PJ Harvey, it just all seemed very out of character and unexpected.

 I will confess that the immediate appeal of One Direction was their good looks and dress sense. I happened to see them on Alan Carr Chatty Man and was completely taken aback at Harry Styles’ long curls, tattoos and deep voice - especially because the last time I’d seen him was as a 16 year old X-Factor contestant years ago. However, after the initial ‘Oh my God! When did they become men? Why did no one tell me? I need to catch up!’ reaction, I did some excessive YouTubeing and the main thing I discovered was what genuinely lovely and talented people One Direction are - and that is why I am still here. I like their music, I love them as people, and they make me happy, and there is no shame in that.

It took very little time during my early research into Harry and the band to come across the ‘Larry Stylinson’ rumours – the couple name fans have adopted for him and Louis Tomlinson from the band. After watching a few freddieismyqueen videos, I could clearly see there was something there.

I must admit that my One Direction and Larry obsession began as an escape from the stresses of writing my dissertation, then deepened as a coping mechanism when my five year relationship ended. The 1D and Larry fandom became a safe space with no memories of my ex, a totally new thing, which was completely for me. Perhaps I just needed to transfer all of my remaining affection into One Direction as a replacement for him, because it was less painful to love boys I had never met and that could not leave me. Maybe I became invested in protecting Harry and Louis’ relationship to eradicate the fact I could not save my own. But now, now that One Direction and their fans have helped make me stronger and made me realise that he must not have been the Louis to my Harry, I am here no longer because I need to be, but because I want to be.

I do need to make it very clear that I do not believe Harry and Louis are together simply because I want to. I do not believe they are together because I like the idea of them together - I like the idea of them together because I believe that they are together. I don’t ‘ship’ it, I support it.

What I have written in the following essay is the basis of why I believe they are in love. I must again make it clear that I have in no way written this as a method of exposing Harry or Louis, or prying into their privacy, and I am not trivialising their situation. I also do not want Harry or Louis to come out unless they want to, and if they do then it should happen when they want and how they want. Harry and Louis’ actions, which I discuss in the essay, imply that they do want fans to know about them, so I therefore feel like it is fair to listen to what they tell us and to share the story that they want us to hear but cannot yet tell us themselves.

If I’m honest the main reason why I decided to write this is because my friend said she didn’t like Louis and that she thought he was homophobic. I do not wish to force my beliefs on anyone but I simply did not feel comfortable with Louis wrongfully being perceived as homophobic. I began writing this as a way to back him up, and I just got carried away and wrote thousands and thousands of words.

Harry and Louis’ situation is very complex, especially because I obviously do not actually know them and this technically is none of my business, I just got swept up in wanting to support them. Because so much ‘evidence’ for their relationship exists, it is often difficult to keep up with everything, I therefore found writing this was also a helpful method for me to organise all the information.

It seems very extreme for me to have gone to such lengths but that is the nature of getting obsessed with something, not wanting to stop till you have reached some form of conclusion. As I said, I do not want this essay to seem in any way disrespectful to Harry or Louis, or anyone in the LGBTQI+ community. Essentially I just feel that Harry and Louis deserve for people to understand what I believe to be the ‘real’ them. I do not want people to believe the false media portrayal of homophobia and womanising when I have seen proof which denies that, and I feel like it is respectful to Harry and Louis for people to, if possible, understand what kind, loving, strong and inspiring people I believe them to be.

     Thank you for reading this!!

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to send them my way. The points I discuss are not in chronological order but have occurred since One Direction began in 2010 and up until May 2017, when I finished this essay. Therefore depending on when you read this, I may have missed out vital information which had not occurred when I printed this, which essentially means this text will remain unfinished until Larry are free. I have not included proof for each point I make but most things appear in the recommended reference links at the end. If you want proof photos for anything in particular, just ask!

 My One Direction/Larry twitter account is @All_The_Love_28 my email is ionafrancesbrown@hotmail.co.uk and my website with some examples of my One Direction/Larry fan art is ionafrancesbrowndoingart.wordpress.com – at some point I will post a link to an online version of this essay on my blog.

 Lots and lots of love and hugs 

Love is love x

Contents:

  4. Non denials

4. Outing

5. Complimentary tattoos

7. Supportive moments

8. Sexual moments

9. Domestic moments

11. Marriage or engagement conspiracy

12. Songs and lyrics

14. Stunts - Supposed girlfriends

16. Management control

17. Louis’ supposed baby

20. Communication with fans – Concert signs

20. Social media messages

22. Blue and green meaning

22. Fashion choices

23. Bee symbolism

24. Rainbow bears

25. Summary

26. Conclusion

27. References

        A DOCUMENT OF EVIDENCE WHICH I FEEL PROVES THE THEORY THAT HARRY STYLES AND LOUIS TOMLINSON FROM ONE DIRECTION ARE IN A LOVING, LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP:

 Non denials –

When an interviewer asked Harry who his first real crush was he answered Louis Tomlinson. The interviewer again asked “Who?” and he still replied Louis Tomlinson. The interviewer then asked Harry how Louis feels about him and he replied “It’s mutual, we’ve discussed it.” One Direction were asked which celebrity they would most like to play spin the bottle with, Louis whispered Harry Styles. Louis said that he would marry Harry and he told a magazine interviewer that he’d fallen madly in love with Harry. When a fan asked Harry if him and Louis were dating he smiled, nodded and said yes and when she replied “I figured” Harry grinned. When a fan asked Louis when he was going to propose to Harry he said it’s confidential but they were already engaged. When Harry was asked how ‘Larry Stylinson’ were going he said “Yeah it’s going well, he’s in the other room.”

There is a video of Louis describing Harry as “My boy” and he tweeted about him saying “My love.” When Louis was asked if he liked anyone he said “I’m rather fond of a certain curly boy but I don’t want to jinx it yet.” Harry tweeted Louis calling him his “Hero” and “Man crush.” When Louis was asked about his bromance with Harry he said “We try not to disclose much about our relationship to the public.” When asked if they snuggle on the tour bus Harry said “We’re trying to cut it down a bit but yeah, sometimes” then Niall Horan from the band said “They don’t want to reveal too much about their relationship.” When the band were told that people thought Harry and Louis were together Liam Payne said “You are though, aren’t you?”

Over the past seven years neither Harry nor Louis have ever publicly said out loud in a clear, official statement that they are not in a relationship or never were. Louis has not once actually said in person that Larry is not real. He has only said specifically worded things which sound like denials but do not actually say that Larry is not real, such as “Larry is a conspiracy theory” and “People genuinely think we’re in a relationship” and “Quite frankly we just started out saying we were really good friends.” They have only actually said ‘No’ when interviewers have said ‘So, there’s nothing going on?’ they haven’t actually said themselves ‘There is nothing here.’ The only time Harry actually denied it, he cried after the interview and Niall hugged him.

Outing (revealing a sexuality) –

In 2015 Harry and Liam were asked what four traits they look for in a lady, Liam said “Female” then Harry said “Not that important.” This caused a lot of media attention and widespread speculation about Harry’s sexuality but in the next interview One Direction had, they were asked if there were any rumours they would like to clear up and set straight, they didn’t mention anything, Louis said he couldn’t think of anything and Harry mumbled “Some of them I quite like.” When Harry was asked when the last time he kissed a girl was, he pulled a scared face, all the band laughed and Liam said “When was the last time you liked it?” An interviewer asked how 1D tell a girl that they aren’t interested in them, Harry replied “I told someone I was gay once” then Louis laughed and replied “That is incredible, Harry!” When the band jokingly suggested that Niall should pretend to have slept with a man he laughed and said no then Harry said “Hey, don’t knock it till you try it.” Harry liked a photo on Instagram thinking it was of a man stripping and he liked an international day against homophobia photo which read “Support feminine boys.“ Harry’s friend Nick Grimshaw joked that Diana Ross’ I’m Coming Out was Harry’s favourite song and Harry has called several men attractive, dishy and “Outrageously handsome.”

 Whenever the band are asked what they look for in a girl Harry always uses gender neutral pronouns like “Someone”, he once began to mention his “Boyfriend” but stopped himself and once he said it helps if you can “Hold a conversation with HIM” and the interviewer replied “Good on you for saying that.” Harry also said a good way to stay on your crush’s mind would be to “Send HIM a flower.” In 2017 an interviewer even asked Harry if he’s labelled his sexuality and he replied “No. I’ve never really felt the need to really. No. I don’t feel like it’s something I’ve ever felt like I have to explain about myself.” Harry said that equality and gay rights were not political but “Fundamental.” Someone joked that they went to the same gay gym as Harry but they later said that they wanted to clear up that they’d never gone to a gay gym, so Harry replied “There’s nothing wrong with it.” Harry tweeted a photo of two men cuddling (who looked like him and Louis) then deleted it.

Harry told Zayn Malik during an interview to not say that Louis is gay. In May 2017 Harry followed someone on Twitter shortly after they posted a video saying “Louis we know you’re gay.” Nearly 20 different footballers sent Louis congratulation tweets for becoming the first signed openly gay footballer in his town, without realising that he was being closeted. The band The Chainsmokers regularly like Larry proof photos on Instagram, they tweeted “Larry” then deleted it and they tweeted about ‘Love is love’ with a photo edit of Louis’ ‘It is what it is’ tattoo. These things only happened after Louis started following and interacting with them on Instagram. Louis’ song was played at the LGBT awards. A fan said she witnessed someone in a club rudely call Louis gay so he shouted back “I wouldn’t do you anyway.” Someone called Louis homophobic at a bar but said he looked devastated about it and really apologised to her then just walked away quietly and even left his drink behind, before his friend came over and told her they shouldn’t have said that. On three separate occasions when Louis’ been asked about how many girlfriends he’s had he has said “Define girlfriends” before answering that he’s only had one serious “Relationship.” There is a video of Louis saying “I’m gay” then he jokes “It’s pretty unfortunate isn’t it Eleanor” who was his ‘girlfriend’ at the time, then management shout “Be quiet.”

Louis, Louis’ mum, Harry and Harry’s mum all follow the same Larry Stylinson Twitter account and when someone on Instagram was being offensive Louis’ sister commented “I know my brother and I know he wouldn’t appreciate you using homophobic slurs.” Liam described One Direction as brothers and Louis smirked looking shocked and questioned “Brothers?” Louis’ mum tweeted “My son returns to his husband tomorrow @Harry_Styles x.” When a fan asked Louis’ mum if she supported Harry and Louis’ undeniable love for each other she replied “Forever! I love them both dearly.” Harry and Louis’ close friend and collaborator Ed Sheeran responded to a fan’s sign at his show which read “Play ‘Friends’ if Larry is real” by playing the song even though it wasn’t on the setlist. When Ed said that Harry was taken a fan shouted “By Louis” and he replied "Innit.” A fan asked One Direction’s long-term song writer if Louis and Harry hated the people who believed they were in a relationship and he replied “No way. Not at all!! Don’t ever think that!!!”

Complimentary tattoos –

Louis has a triangle tattoo on his ankle, which might possibly reference the branding of gay people with triangle tattoos during Nazi history and the later reclaiming of the triangle as a LGBTQ symbol. Harry has the Pink Floyd triangle tattoo but it does not match the official triangle of the band’s artwork because the rainbow veers off at a different angle and is drawn completely differently. Harry has talked about listening to Dark Side Of The Moon on repeat and it would be rare for an established tattoo artist to make a mistake on such an iconic image, especially on a high profile celebrity. Fans speculate that perhaps this was Harry’s way of getting a discreet rainbow tattoo and a triangle tattoo to match Louis’. Harry has the George Michael lyrics ‘Never gonna dance again’ tattooed across his ankles, George Michael struggled to come out but became a huge gay icon and activist. Harry has tweeted “You can tell a man by his ankles” which might link to his and Louis’ ankle tattoos.

Harry and Louis have the first words they said to each other tattooed in each other’s hand writing (Hi and Oops.) Fans speculate this because several times Harry has explained how he met Louis in the X-Factor bathroom and he tweeted the quote “I’m glad I was stood next to you at the urinals. If I had to have someone’s pee splashed on me I’d much rather have your pee than his pee.” A situation like that could lead to ‘Oops’, ‘Hi’. The first words of the character Harry was playing in a One Direction music video are “Oops, Hi” and One Direction’s friends and LGBTQ supporters Little Mix have a song called Oops. Harry got a tattoo of a ship and only 18 hours later Louis went to the very same tattoo parlour and got a tattoo of a compass with the word home written on it. Both Louis and Harry have written love songs referencing ships and home. They even got these tattoos during the time that the media were suggesting that Harry was dating Taylor Swift.

Harry has a heart tattoo on his arm and Louis has an arrow tattoo on his arm. Louis has a rope tattoo round his wrist, Harry has an anchor tattoo on his wrist. Harry has a birdcage tattoo, Louis has a flock of flying birds tattoo. Harry has another heart tattoo in the same place and in same style that Louis drew a heart on him in the X-Factor house. Louis has a similar heart tattoo on the same part of his arm. Louis has quotation marks on his wrist, Harry has the sentence “I can’t change” on the part of his wrist where Louis’ quotation marks are. Harry has a padlock tattoo and Louis has a key tattoo. All of these are the most popular and recognisable couple tattoos and are unquestionably romantic and only make sense or become complete when joined up alongside the other symbol. The majority of these complimentary tattoos have also been done on a large scale and are on very visible parts of the body, like their arms. Louis’ often said that he used to be totally against tattoos and never wanted any, but he has loads, and most of them complement or match Harry’s. Harry has his mum and sister’s names tattooed and shortly after him and Louis got their ship and compass tattoos Harry posted a photo of a couple’s matching love heart tattoos on Instagram with the caption “Siiiicckkk” this shows that he is a fan of couple tattoos and of having tattoos of the people he loves.

Harry got a rose tattooed on his arm and after over a year of requests and speculation from fans that Louis would get a dagger tattoo, he got a dagger tattoo in the same place on his arm that Harry’s rose is, and posed for a photo pointing to the dagger tattoo. In late 2016 Louis posted a selfie where the dagger was his only visible tattoo, his arm was deliberately positioned so that the dagger pointed directly to an image of a rose printed on the breast pocket of his tee shirt. This photo was posted during the ‘Larry month’ fan project where ‘larries’ were posting pictures on social media of Louis and Harry under a specific Larry related theme each week – Louis posted his selfie during the Larry tattoo week. Louis liked and retweeted fan account tweets about his single and in late 2016 he tweeted to Liam teasing him for wearing a chain, the photos of Liam in the chain were only available on fan-run update accounts, proving that Louis often checks up on fan accounts so therefore could have easily known about the Larry tattoo photo project.

During an interview and performance for Louis’ solo single he wore another tee shirt with an image of a rose on. A photograph of him wearing this tee shirt was one of the only promo photos that Louis posted on his Instagram account. The guitarist of Kings Of Leon (who is good friends with Harry) wore the same rose tee shirt on stage days after Harry saw them in concert. Harry was photographed in March 2017 wearing a rose ring. He was pointing his finger in each photograph, making sure that his ring could be seen. The website of the company who designed the ring also has a necklace with a dagger and a necklace of birds holding up an anchor and rope – both the birds and the anchor are incredibly similar to Harry’s birds and anchor tattoo. A few weeks before the photos of Harry’s ring, Louis followed Dover Street Market, the jewellery company who designed Harry’s rose ring has a store at Dover Street Market. Harry hasn’t taken the rose ring off since he began wearing it and two out of the five photos of him taken in April for Rolling Stone magazine clearly feature and exaggerate the ring. Harry has also started regularly wearing a large ruby stone ring which looks very similar to the red stone featured in Louis’ dagger tattoo.

 Supportive moments –

Numerous videos show Louis and Harry waiting for each other while they get their hair done or film for separate interviews. They are attentive during each other’s live solos encase one runs out of breath and if they do the other finishes singing their part. They bring each other’s mic stands and water bottles over far more than with the other band members. They both frequently stare at each other adoringly in interviews, on stage and when the other is on the big screen or TV monitor, to the point where they actually miss questions. In a 2015 interview Liam even had to nudge Louis and he laughed saying “You two are so obvious.” When Harry was asked who he thought looked hot at the Brit Awards that night, after answering Adele he turned around to Louis and said sorry. When Harry was asked if he had a crush on Caroline Flack he said she was hot but then turned to Louis and said “So is Louis.” When an interviewer showed an old video of Harry and Louis playing football they beamed as they watched it and Louis whispered what looked like “My Hazza.”

When asked who his dream Valentine would be out of anyone in the world Harry turned to Louis, put his arm around him and said “You.” Niall said “You two are so cute”, Louis thanked him then Zayn said “You are quite cute” and Louis agreed that his Valentine was Harry, as he put his arm around him. The only days off which Louis had from doing promotional interviews for his and Steve Aoki’s single during the beginning of 2017 were Valentine’s Day and Harry’s birthday. Louis was unseen on those days, no explanation was given for his absence and Steve did the interviews on his own. During an interview on Valentine’s Day 2012 with only Louis and Harry, Louis gently patted Harry’s arm and said “Of course he’s hot”, Harry said he would describe Louis as “Funny, handsome, rugged and manly.” Louis was asked how long he’s been with his *girlfriend* (4 months) and Harry laughed saying about a year – which is how long Larry had supposedly been together at that point. Throughout the interview they were smiling and flirting so much that they have never been allowed to do an interview with just the two of them ever again, to the point where they were the only members of the band during their TV special to not have a feature together unless the entire band were there too, and they weren’t even allowed to sit next to each other in interviews again until 2015.

When getting the audience to sing Happy Birthday to Louis, Harry made them call Louis boo bear. When asked what he looked for in a relationship Harry said “Pick someone supportive.” Louis has shown constant support to Harry by growing his hair out at the same time as Harry until Harry felt confident enough to have long hair on his own. They grew their hair out together for a second time in May 2017, then got their hair cut together, confirmed by their hair stylist. Louis followed everyone who worked with Harry during his photo shoot for Another Man magazine and his filming for the Dunkirk movie and even posted a photo of his foot discreetly pointing to a Dunkirk poster in the background. Louis was also photographed on the film set of Dunkirk and was actively online when the trailer was released. The band were teasing Harry for stealing their food but Louis told Harry he didn’t mind sharing. Louis purposefully chose a fan question about Harry’s hair so he could answer it and say that “Harry’s hair is always curly and always wonderful.” Louis is cheeky and boisterous with all the band members but is always more gentle and considerate towards Harry, he made it so that Harry won every round of a game he wasn’t even playing and Harry is the only person Louis never pours water over during concerts. Harry is incredibly private and remained particularly unseen during the start of One Direction’s hiatus but during at least two very difficult episodes in Louis’ life (losing his mum and getting wrongfully arrested) Harry immediately appeared in public and allowed the circulation of many paparazzi images of himself, as a way of distracting people from Louis’ private life and taking the heat off him for a little bit.

Sign language - Harry and Louis constantly gesture a ‘thumbs up’ to each other on stage, before each other’s solos and during interviews. When signalling the sound techs to turn Harry’s mic up Louis always draws a heart shape with his hands and to get Louis’ mic louder Harry always points to his heart.

Sexual moments *trigger warning*

Even from their first videos, photoshoots, performances and interviews as a band Harry and Louis are always touching or awkwardly stretching uncomfortably so that they can be touching - arms round each other, whispering, biting, hands on each other’s legs, playing with each other’s hair, hitting and patting each other’s bums, holding each other’s crotches, play fighting, hugging and stroking each other’s arms, hands and faces – considerably much more frequently, purposefully, secretly and intimately than the other band members.

There is a video of Harry and Louis walking along holding hands. They have pretended to passionately kiss each other in at least three interviews and Harry once told Louis to “Kiss me, you fool.” Louis has gently licked Harry’s nose, both Harry and Louis have both kissed dolls of each other. Louis kissed Harry’s cheek and Harry kissed Louis’ thumb. Louis and Harry kissed whilst wearing masks. When One Direction won an award Harry kissed Louis’ forehead during a group hug. There is a photo of Harry and Louis kissing which Harry said was photoshopped but there are no known versions of any original images which could have been used to create an edit. There are two poor quality videos in which Harry and Louis appear to be kissing, one in which they are in a bar in Wellington and Louis shouts “Boyfriend” then either kisses or initiates to kiss Harry but Harry turns him around to remind him that there were fans with cameras. There is only one low quality video from that night in Wellington although there were many fans outside the bar recording. In March 2017 a still image of high quality footage appeared from a girl who claims that One Direction’s management team paid her to hide the footage. When the town Wellington was mentioned in an interview Harry and Louis immediately went serious and quiet and Liam once read out a fan sign at a concert which said “Investigate Wellington.”

In a video Louis said that he noticed Harry’s six pack was trending and said that Harry had “A nice little body.” On stage Harry said that Louis “Looked lovely.” A fan threw fluffy handcuffs on stage, straight away Harry walked over to show them to Louis and Louis said “Later.” Harry tweeted that no one should ever make eye contact with anyone whilst eating a banana because of the sexual connotations, but before eating a banana on stage he turned to Louis and said “Look at me” then Zayn asked Louis is he was ok. When asked about cleaning up after a party Harry said that him and Louis were on their hands and knees for two days straight, Niall laughed and said “You enjoyed those days off” Louis stammered and stuttered and nodded for a long time then said “We did, we did.” In a different interview that same day the band were asked what they were doing the day before and Louis said “Trying to walk” Liam laughed and said “You know what they say, the early bird gets the worm” to which Louis replied “Ohh yeah. The early bird gets the wood on.” Harry noticed and smirked. When asked to describe Louis is four words Harry said “Louis is spontaneous, loud, loud and loud.” The day after Louis and Harry were both in the same location again Louis was seen walking with a limp and when asked why he answered “No comment” and hurried out the shop. Harry tweeted to Louis “Higher and faster, you feel me?” Louis replied “I feel you man.” In the background of an interview with just Niall you can hear Harry seriously say “Lou, can I give you a blowjob?” and Louis seriously replies “I’d love it if you just wait.” Niall notices and laughs, saying “That’s the real question.”

Both Louis and Harry are frequently seen with love bites in the same places on their necks and when Harry was asked about a visible love bite Louis said “I gave him it.” Harry teased Niall on Twitter so Niall replied “You wait till I tell everyone how you actually got that love bite.” The band were asked if their love bites were from within the band, Harry leapt on Louis trying to give him one and Louis said “I knew you were going to do that.” An interviewer said to Liam and Niall that “Harry is on vocal rest today so he’s laying down resting, where’s Louis? Is he on vocal rest as well?” Niall looked shocked and worried and quickly looked at Liam who said “Nah, I think he’s just tired” then they both laughed.

Harry and Louis publicly flew together in 2015 and when their plane landed Harry’s shirt was ripped in at least two places and Louis had a big smile on his face. In an interview after this incident the band were asked if any of them were in the mile high club and Harry and Louis answered yes. An interviewer jokingly touched Harry’s bum then when Harry was later asked how it made him feel he laughed and said “Sad” but with a big smile on his face then Louis said “He told me he was intrigued.” Louis and Harry have disappeared behind the stage at the same time as each other during live shows several times and they once arrived late to an interview looking dishevelled whilst rearranging themselves as Harry said he lost his trousers and Louis said “It was just a bit of banter.” In a tour video Zayn says to Louis “I know you like dick.” Louis just laughs and doesn’t say anything back. The band were asked what their favourite ride at Alton Towers was and Harry whispered to Louis “You were mine.” Harry tweeted Louis saying he looked sexy and Louis replied saying he was being “Seduced” by Harry’s curls to which Harry admitted that was his plan. When asked who was getting the Brit Award head Louis said “Harry’s getting head.” When the band were asked what they would be doing if they weren’t in One Direction Louis said he thought Harry would have been a horse rider and in 2015 Harry said one of his favourite things to do was horseback riding. In the same interview in 2015 when asked what 4 things he sucked at (meaning was bad at) Harry smirked and pretended to leave the interview then answered “Lollipops.”

A fan heard moans from One Direction’s tour bus and saw Harry’s hand pressed against the window (they recognised his ring) Louis came out of the bus with scratches on his back. Harry then tweeted “Everyone has a titanic for the first time face” – referencing the hand against the steamed window scene. At a gig the next day Harry expressed a lot of pain when sitting down and when he saw a fan noticing this he laughed and held his finger to his lips to jokingly shhh her and keep her quiet. An interviewer asked Harry and Louis who goes in front and who goes behind when they play Mario Kart to which they responded – Louis: “I think we kind of share that really” Harry: “Sometimes I take the front, if Louis’ a bit tired I’ll go behind and push him along” Louis: “We’re both quite generous to each other. Sometimes Harry should get to do what he wants to do and go first.” Before Liam asked Louis what flavour Harry was he said “I’m gonna ask you something I don’t want to ask you.” During an interview someone joked that Louis could cover up his penis with a carrot and Harry said “I don’t think it’d cover it.” Louis told a magazine interviewer that Harry had once woken him up by hitting him over the head with his penis. When Harry was asked what keeps him up at night he answered “MANky panky” not ‘hanky panky.’ When an interviewer asked Harry to twerk Louis said “Don’t act like you hate it.” Harry was asked if he was good with his hands and Louis happily nodded and said “Reeaally good” then Liam looked at Louis and laughed. Sexual moments or innuendos are never made between the other members of One Direction as regularly, knowingly or explicitly as they are between Harry and Louis.

Domestic moments

Harry and Louis moved to London and lived together as soon as they left the X-Factor when they were only 16 and 18. Harry said that no one in the band knew what was going to happen once they left the show but he also said “Me and Louis always said we wanted to move in together.” Harry said Louis never washes up or makes his bed or cooks but he wouldn’t want to live with anyone else from the band. Louis got a ‘Thank you’ printed in the newspaper saying “Harry, thank you for making me egg on toast every day, love Boo in London.” Louis once tweeted the hashtag ‘We live together deal with it.’ One Direction’s management decided to make people believe that Harry and Louis didn’t live together anymore but when Niall said the band didn’t live together Harry really obviously winked at Louis and Louis whispered “No we still live together.”

  In the One Direction movie Louis’ tee shirt was in Harry’s hotel room, Louis’ lighter was on Harry’s bedside table, the other side of Harry’s bed was unmade as if someone slept beside him and in one scene Louis was actually asleep in bed next to Harry. Louis said “Our” room key. In 2017 Harry said “We” were living with the band he wrote his album with and when Louis discussed how he’s the only one who would sleep on the tour bus and not in hotels, he said that Liam would sometimes join “Us” An interviewer joked that Harry was cheating on Louis so Louis replied “We’ll have to split the bed.” On two separate occasions Harry has talked about Louis sitting in his bed with him. Louis told an interviewer that Harry sleeps with his mouth open, Liam then said that Harry tries to sleep on people and Louis agreed, saying “Yeaaap.” A Christmas tree company said they delivered a tree to Louis’ house in London but Louis doesn’t live in the area of London they said – Harry does. Harry and Louis have been subconsciously mirroring each other’s actions at the same time consistently since Harry’s mum even pointed it out in 2011, this is a sign of people who spend a large amount of time together and usually live together, although mirroring occurs with the other band member too, it occurs far less frequently than between Harry and Louis (highly recommended mirroring video in references.)

Although Harry and Louis aren’t supposed to be living together anymore they have been showing up in the same places on the same days and constantly being located in LA and London and Yorkshire and Jamaica at the same times and then going publicly unseen at the same time for the same duration of time, regularly for the past 7 years, and particularly during the band’s current hiatus. Just one example being May 2017 when Louis left his UK photoshoot to be in LA only for the same duration of time that Harry was in LA filming for their friend James Corden’s TV show and then he returned home to continue the photoshoot. Numerous people with no reason to lie, and often not even in the 1D fandom, have spotted Louis and Harry together, in clubs, shopping, driving, having meals and behaving like a couple, kissing and holding hands. Harry and Louis were seen in Jamaica around the time of Harry’s birthday, during this time Louis got his arrow tattoo within days of Harry having gotten his heart tattoo. They are frequently online at the same time and whenever Louis goes on holiday with friends Harry is often spotted wearing a new piece of jewellery once Louis’ returned, e.g. Louis went to Barcelona and a few days later Harry was seen wearing a Barcelona coins bracelet.

On Halloween Louis wore white face paint to go out clubbing whilst Harry said he stayed in and during an interview the next day Harry had traces of white paint in his hair. On Halloween the next year, the exact same thing happened. When Zayn was feeding Louis and talking about their bromance Harry threw Zayn’s food away and said he was getting jealous. After an interviewer asked if Harry had moved out (before fans were made to think he had) Harry said no and Zayn said to him “You’ll never leave Louis will you?” Harry shook his head and said no. There are several photos of the same fans meeting both Louis and Harry on the same day and you can even see Harry waiting in a car in the background of a photo of Louis posing with a fan. Louis’ laugh was heard in the car that came to drive Harry home. In the background of a video of Louis meeting fans at his charity football event, that Harry wasn’t supposed to be at, you can hear someone asking Harry how he is and hear him answering. Harry’s voice was also heard in the background of Louis’ family’s snapchats so now they often mute the sound.

On numerous occasions when Louis has been asked what the most romantic thing he’s ever done for someone was, he always described cooking someone their favourite meal. He’s explained that he never cooks and the one meal that he cooked was chicken stuffed with mozzarella and wrapped in Parma ham with some homemade mashed potatoes. Every time he has described this meal over the past 5 years he has acted out the making of each ingredient and when the band were asked about cooking again Harry acted out the movements of Louis’ meal even though Louis wasn’t talking about it. Harry tweeted a picture of Louis and captioned it “Louis’ first cooking experience.” This lead fans to speculate that Louis’ meal was for Harry, then in an interview after Louis described the dish as tasting pretty good for his first meal, Harry even nodded slightly and made a small noise of agreement.

So, Harry documented the first meal Louis ever cooked and Louis said the first meal he ever cooked was the most romantic thing he’s ever done. Louis wasn’t dating his *girlfriend* or anyone else at the time which Harry posted the photo so the ‘first meal he’s ever cooked’ which was the ‘most romantic thing he’s ever done’ was done when he was supposedly single (but publicly living with Harry and not denying their relationship.)

Marriage or engagement conspiracy –

On the 28th September 2013 fans saw Louis and Zayn waiting nervously at a location in London wearing suits, soon after Harry turned up at the same location in a suit. That same day Louis’ mum tweeted “Good decision Louis.” Ed Sheeran tweeted “My two best friends got married today” Louis’ *girlfriend* tweeted “I’m getting bored of this now” and Harry tweeted “We don’t need no piece of paper from the city hall” – lyrics from a Joni Mitchel song about two musicians being in love. Louis has the number 28 on at least 3 of his sports shirts, on his ear piece and tattooed on his ring finger. Harry wore a sports shirt on stage at a One Direction gig and pointed to the number 28 on the back, referring to Michael Sam, the first openly gay player for the NFL. After months of only Instagraming black and white pictures the first picture Harry posted in colour had the number 28 in it.

In 2016 on the 28th September Louis’ mum liked a photo someone tweeted to her of them making Louis’ chicken, mozzarella and Parma ham meal. At a One Direction concert on September 28th 2015 Harry spoke to a couple in the audience about their wedding anniversary and said “We love love, we just love it. Thank you for being here on your ANNIVERSARY” shouting and exaggerating the word before asking if anyone else there was celebrating an anniversary. When making a speech about One Direction’s bass player getting married Harry talked again about how much One Direction love love and believe that love is love and should be celebrated in all forms.

Louis and Harry were publicly unseen for several days at the same time around 28th September 2016, the next time they were seen Harry was wearing a Jamaican bracelet, Louis had a Jamaican bag and they were both tanned. Fans therefore believe that Louis and Harry holidayed there for their anniversary. Their presence there was later proven when a bar worker posted a throwback photo of him and Louis in Jamaica and Harry revealed that ’We’ were living in Jamaica for months when recording his album. Fans have also began to notice that Harry and Louis are both publicly unseen and free of work commitments around the 28th of each month, suggesting a regular anniversary date night. Both of them often reveal big news on the 28th, for example Harry announced his tour dates on the 28th, released his photoshoot in Another Man magazine on the 28th September and chose to sing tracks number 2 and 8 from his album for his first ever solo performance.

Harry attended his first public event since the band’s hiatus with every nail painted except his ring finger and is regularly seen wearing a small pouch necklace rumoured to have his ring kept in. The website of the company who designed Harry’s rose ring list it as an engagement ring. Since 2013 (the year of the supposed wedding) Harry has constantly worn a plain silver band ring around his middle finger and despite often wearing many rings, that is the only one which has never changed and is the only one Harry ever plays with and touches when relationships and marriage are mentioned in interviews.

When the band were asked if they all want to be married and have children Louis and Harry immediately looked at each other, smiled and said yes. When asked again about marriage after the date of their supposed wedding or engagement, Louis said sometimes people get engaged for years, Harry agreed and started playing with the silver band ring around his middle finger. An interviewer showed Louis, Liam and Zayn photos of girls and asked if they would Facetime them (nothing else, only a Facetime) Liam pointed out that one of the girls looked like Harry. Louis agreed and when asked if he would Facetime her he answered very seriously “Marriage. Sex, kissing. The lot.”

Songs –

Louis changed the lyrics on stage from “I can’t compete with your boyfriend” to “MY boyfriend.” Louis also changed “You’ve got that one thing” to “You’ve got that big dick” and he changed “I have loved you since we were 18” to “I have loved HIM since we were 18” whilst looking at Harry. Harry changed the lyrics from “She walked straight into my heart and stole it… just like SHE already owned it” to “Just like HE already owned it” (and grabbed his crotch whilst singing HE) Harry constantly changes the lyrics from “I’m in love with you and all your little things” to “I’m in love with LOU and all HIS little things” whilst, more often than not, both Harry and Louis physically turn their whole bodies around to look at and sing directly to each other. Harry and Louis both cried on stage at the same time during the same part of the same sad love song. Whilst Louis sang “I have loved you since we were 18” Harry shouted “16”and pointed to himself – they met when Louis was 18 and Harry was 16.

Harry said the most romantic thing he can think to do for someone is write them a song…

Songs Harry wrote

 ·         Olivia - When you go and I'm alone you live in my imagination. I live for you, I long for you, Olivia. Oh I love you, I love you, I love, I love, I love Olivia. I love you, it’s all I do – ‘Olivia’ and ‘olive’ are ways of saying I love you without actually saying it. On the same day both Harry and Louis tweeted “Olive.” When asked about who Olivia was Harry said “Is Olivia even a person? Is Olivia a place? Is Olivia an emotion? We don’t know!”

·         If I Could Fly - If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. I think I might give up everything, just ask me to. I’ve been going out of my mind. For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart. For when you're lonely and forget who you are. I'm missing half of me when we're apart. I've got scars even though they can't always be seen – Very slow ballad song. When talking through the album this was the only song where Harry didn’t discuss the lyrics or the meaning at all and Liam said he cried when he heard it.

·         Something Great - I want you here with me like how I pictured it, so I don’t have to keep imagining. The script was written and I could not change a thing, I want to rip it all to shreds and start again. Is it too much to ask for something great? You’re all I want, so much it’s hurting

·         Where Do Broken Hearts Go? - My mind is running in circles of you and me, anyone in between is the enemy. Are you sleeping, baby, by yourself, or are you giving it to someone else?

·         Stockholm Syndrome - Who’s this shadow holding me hostage, I’ve been here for days. Who’s this whisper telling me that I’m never going to get away. I know they’ll be coming to find me soon. I fear I’m getting used to being held by you.

·         Happily - You don't understand what you do to me when you hold his hand. I don't care what people say when we're together, you know I want to be the one to hold you when you sleep. I know that you're with him, I wonder if he knows that I touched your skin and if he feels my traces in your hair, sorry, love, but I don't really care. Baby be with me so happily.

·         Walking In The Wind – The fact we can sit right here and say goodbye means we've already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby, there is none.

·         Woman – I’m selfish I know, but I don’t ever want to see you with him. I hope you can see the shape that I’m in while he’s touching your skin.

    Songs Louis and Harry wrote together:

 Perfect - When I first saw you from across the room I could tell that you were curious. If you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms and if you like having secret little rendezvous, if you like to do the things you know that we shouldn’t do then baby, I'm perfect for you. I might never be the arms that hold you any time you want them but we can live here in the moment, I can be the one you love from time to time. –

Both Harry and Louis have admitted that they write from personal experience. Whenever asked about Perfect Harry always calls it a love song and says it’s about just having fun with someone. In previous interviews Harry said “I think I’d definitely date Louis because I think you’d just have fun with him.” Whenever asked what he looks for in a relationship he always says “Someone you can have fun with.” Also for someone who says they write from personal experience but has never publicly had a serious long term relationship with anyone, Harry has written a lot of deeply romantic, committed and emotional love songs.

 Songs Louis wrote:

 Strong - My hands, your hands, tied up like two ships. Why is it so hard to say it? So many words we're not saying. I don't care, I'm not scared of love. Is it so wrong, that you make me strong? Think of how much love that's been wasted. People always trying to escape it. But there's nothing I'm running from. – Lots of fans write ‘strong’ on pride flags at One Direction concerts and Louis mentioned in an interview how nice it was.

 Songs Louis wrote with Zayn:

 Clouds- Love is never ever simple. Someday you’re gonna see the things that I see. Here we go again.

 Songs Louis wrote with Liam:

 ·         The End Of The Day - All I know at the end of the day is you follow your heart even though it'll break and you love who you love, there is no other way. You’re the one that I want at the end of the day.

·         Ready To Run - Wherever you are is the place I belong, I want to be free and I want to be yours. There will always be the kind that criticise but I know we’ll be alright.

·         No Control - Taste on my tongue, I don't want to wash away the night before. I don't care, it's obvious, I just can't get enough of you. – When asked what the song was about Harry and Louis kept looking at each other smirking and Niall kept looking at both of them laughing. Harry always dances the most and puts the most passion and energy into performing this song, much more than any other song.

·         Through The Dark - I know you're only hiding and I just want to see you. We will find a way through the dark.

·         Fireproof - I think I’m going to lose my mind. I got a feeling deep inside, it's taking all I've got. - In Happily, Harry wrote “We’re on fire now” then Louis responded with writing “Baby, we’re fireproof.”

·         What A Feeling - But I can't hold you too close now. What a feeling to be right here beside you somehow. I wish I could be there now.

·         Spaces - The spaces between us keep getting deeper, it’s harder to reach you even though I try. The spaces between us hold all our secrets, leaving us speechless and I don’t know why. Who’s going to be the first one to set it all on fire, forgetting every single promise we ever made.

 ·         Home - So long I've been waiting to let go of myself and feel alive. So many nights I thought it over. Told myself I kind of liked her. But there was something missing in her eyes. It was there, I saw it in your eyes. You say you feel the same. Could we ever be enough? Baby we could be enough. It’s alright.

 Although most of the songs Louis and Harry write can easily be seen to heavily reference their relationship and particularly the severe control they are under to hide it, Home written by Louis and If I Could Fly written by Harry are probably the biggest Larry songs - Harry purposefully titled it If I Could Fly instead of For Your Eyes Only so that it could complement Home. Harry tweeted “If I Could Fly” and the same day Louis tweeted the home emoji. Louis himself leaked the song Home and it was listed as an inspirational LGBTQ song. Home is the B-side to Perfect (the song Harry and Louis wrote together and being perfect for each other) and the single cover for Perfect/Home is one of the only photos Harry posted in colour. If I could suggest listening to any Larry songs it would be Home and If I Could Fly.

 Harry’s solo album has a song called Two Ghosts, about two people who ‘Aren’t who they used to be’ and ‘Don’t say what they really mean’ and ‘Can’t touch what they see.’ This song was written in 2014, during the time that he and Louis were forced to stop interacting with each other in interviews, on social media and on stage, and around the time Harry began carrying a journal everywhere which he wrote “Let us love” “One and only” and “She doesn’t deserve his heart” on the cover. Harry waited 3 years to record the song because it was too personal for anyone else but him to sing and he has described it as “Pretty self-explanatory.” Harry has another song called Sweet Creature with the lyrics “Had another talk about where it’s going wrong, but we’re still young. We started two hearts in one home… wherever I go you bring me home.” An interviewer asked Harry who makes him feel like home, he stuttered and paused then replied “I think that’s a fair acknowledgement, yeah.” Another interviewer even asked Harry if the song was about Louis, he was quiet and hummed and stuttered for 18 seconds then said that he wouldn’t want to tell someone that what they believed was wrong, before not actually saying ‘No’ but saying he would “Lean towards no.”

 Stunts: Fake girlfriends (beards) -

Louis was asked if he was happy Harry and Taylor Swift got together and he said “I’m happy that they’re good friends, yes. …If that.” When the band were asked their thoughts on ‘Haylor’ again Harry said “I don’t know” and Louis laughed with Harry saying “It is what it is” - which is a phrase Louis has tattooed on his chest. When Harry and Taylor went on a yacht holiday together Harry left Taylor alone on the boat for hours whilst he went off to share a Jacuzzi with some older men. Around the time ‘Haylor’ was announced Louis was so miserable in an interview that he was unable to complete answering a question and had to ask Zayn to take over. Liam asked Harry what was wrong with Louis whilst Louis remained quiet until asked his favourite One Direction song, he replied “I loved you first” the song is actually called ‘Loved you first’ and is only on the deluxe album as a bonus song. Liam then realised why Louis had been so uncharacteristically withdrawn and reassuringly patted him on the shoulder. A fan held a Taylor Swift related sign at a One Direction concert and Harry held his hand up to his chin to make a beard signal at them. Taylor Swift’s frequent use of celebrity boyfriends to gain media publicity is widely known and there are even rumours that she partially does this to hide her own secret same sex relationship with model Karlie Kloss. When Harry’s friend Nick Grimshaw joked that his song Two Ghosts was about Taylor Swift Harry literally waved his hands in the air and screamed “Aaarrgg noooo!!” live on Radio 1 and said “Help me Jeffrey!” (his manager) then he joked he was going to leave and go to Capital radio. The Radio 1 twitter account then posted a gif of Harry saying “Help me Jeffrey” and captioned it “Just leaving this here…” As comparison, Harry strongly denied Two Ghosts being about Taylor in about 3 seconds whereas it took nearly a minute for him ‘deny’ Sweet Creature being about Louis.

The media has regularly linked Harry to several different women over the years but he has only ever said they are friends and the only person Harry has ever admitted to dating is Louis. In 2017 Harry even had a photo of him and Kendal Jenner removed because the website didn’t have his authorisation to use it. Even though the media often claim him and Kendal were an item he has never confirmed it, Kendal’s sister denied it and Kendal herself said she hasn’t had a boyfriend in 2 years. When an interviewer called Harry a womaniser he shook his head sadly and said “You’re wrong.” Scott Mills joked about the fact Harry is linked to a different woman every Christmas (when One Direction get time off) by asking if he’s ever “Only gotten a girlfriend for the winter” him and Louis laughed and joked and Harry angrily said “Not on purpose.” In May 2017 the media began suggesting Harry was dating a new woman who was seen wearing the same shirt as him and who briefly attended one of his gigs, so when he introduced his female drummer on stage at that gig he mockingly said “Yes, she is wearing my shirt.”

Around the time Louis’ *girlfriend* Eleanor was first publicised a fan tweeted “If Louis is happy then so am I but spare a thought for Harry, he probably has a broken heart.” Harry retweeted it. Four minutes later Louis tweeted “Always in my heart @HarryStyles yours sincerely, Louis” this is the second most retweeted tweet in history and was tweeted the day that Harry was photographed sitting on Louis’ knee and Louis was photographed wrapping his arms round Harry’s waist on a Vespa. Harry is normally always polite and cooperative in interviews but when asked if he felt jealous about Louis and Eleanor he said “I don’t really want to talk about that to be honest” and he once tweeted “Kiss him again just to prove me that you can.” Eleanor tweeted Louis some Olly Murs lyrics so Olly tweeted her saying “Please don’t use my songs to tell a lie. I don’t want any part in that.” Harry cried whilst Louis and Eleanor walked past him holding hands and he threw something at her and Louis always looks miserable and uncomfortable around his ‘girlfriends.’ One of One direction’s management team signalled for Eleanor to kiss Louis when the cameras were on them, she asked Harry if she could and he said no. The same woman was often spotted in the background of several photographs of Louis and Eleanor out at public events, on ‘dates’, and it was discovered that she works for One Direction’s management team.

Liam and Zayn have frequently joked to Louis and Harry about beards and Chris Moyles said in an interview with the band that he heard a few of them have had beards for a long time but he wasn’t quite sure what that meant. Both Harry and Louis wear each other’s clothes when stunting with beards. Louis’ friend Calvin posted a photo of himself with Louis and Eleanor captioned something like ‘Partying for three days straight’ but then he liked a comment which said ‘More like pretending to be straight for three days straight.” The day that Louis broke up with Eleanor him and Harry were laughing and dancing on stage as the band enthusiastically sung a cover of I Will Survive. There is a video of Louis and his second fake girlfriend, Danielle, being told by paparazzi to stop walking and wait until they were ready to photograph them and one pap even shouted “Quiet on set.” Another video shows Louis being told to walk back and wait to leave a club until the paparazzi were ready. This lack of organic behaviour, and the fact that Louis often stares directly at the camera in the photos, proves that paparazzi are called and arranged beforehand to get publicity photographs of Louis with women and Louis out clubbing. Danielle is an unknown, small time actress but when she was *dating* Louis she was given a lengthy red carpet interview in which she was asked her opinion of Louis receiving hateful and aggressive WhatsApp messages, she just smiled and said “People love him a lot and just want a chance to talk to him so I can understand it.” People literally said they hope Louis’ children die and Danielle just laughed it off like it was no big deal, that doesn’t seem like a real supportive, caring girlfriend. Danielle was listed number 10 in the top 20 actresses of 2016, ahead of established actors like Kristen Stewart and Golden Globe nominee actresses. No one knows who Danielle is and she hadn’t had any acting jobs all year. One Direction’s management were probably paying the media to keep her name relevant and linked to Louis.

 The day after their X-Factor performance Steve Aoki, close friend and collaborator of Louis’, followed Louis’ sisters and the rest of One Direction on Instagram, and liked Harry’s photo of a pride flag. 16 days later he followed Danielle but only after some fans tweeted him asking him to. Ruby Rose joked on Instagram about fake PR relationship stunts after Danielle followed her. After Liam unexpectedly interrupted Simon Cowell to prevent him from wrongfully accepting One Direction’s 2017 Brit Award on their behalf, he tweeted “When history becomes your future” with the thinking emoji, shocked emoji and peeping eyes emoji. This was unusually out of character and very confusing, fans wonder whether the tweet references the fact that Eleanor became Louis’ fake girlfriend again shortly after, and that him interrupting Simon and not thanking their team was a way of publicly shading their management.

Management control –

One Direction’s management team are the same company that contractually forced Ke$ha to keep working with her physically abusive manager, and the same company who forced members of Westlife to hide their sexuality and relationships for years and have fake girlfriends. On the cover of One Direction’s book “Who We Are” Louis scribbled out ‘Are’ and wrote ‘Could be’ and on another copy changed ‘Are’ to ‘Aren’t’. Louis’ close friend Calvin has liked tweets which slate Louis’ team for not being good to him or adequately promoting his single or generally doing their job correctly. In an interview Liam said there were no secrets in the band and Harry said “I have a secret.” When the band were asked what was the one thing they wanted that money couldn’t buy Harry said “Freedom.” Louis wore a tee shirt saying ‘Power’ ‘Lies’ and ‘Corruption’ at the America’s Got Talent rehearsals with Simon Cowell. When Harry was asked in May 2017 if there was any special memorabilia Simon Cowell had given him over the years he paused for a while and answered “Ummm…an anxiety...certificate.” The next time Harry did an interview he had to confirm that he was joking and actually thought Simon was wonderful. In Harry’s other 2017 interviewers he regularly confirmed that all members of One Direction still spend time together and support each other yet he has only mentioned Niall and Liam by name and personally discussed them, and has only ever referred to Louis as “Everyone”, suggesting that he is still not allowed to talk about Louis or even properly refer to him as a friend and bandmate.

Since leaving One Direction Zayn revealed that he and the band had to ask permission if they wanted to shave or change their haircut and in May 2017 Liam admitted they were not allowed to choose which songs they wanted as singles, saying he strongly requested one in particular but management “Just wouldn’t have it.” Liam’s debut single even has lyrics directly discussing how he didn’t feel free in One Direction. The number of times the word “Girl” appeared in 1D’s last album, which they wrote the majority of songs on, was only 3, compared to 32 on their first album, which they wrote the minority of. In the One Direction song You And I Harry sings “Nothing can come between you and I, not even the gods above” and on One Direction’s TV special Louis called their management the gods above. Most of the songs that Harry and Louis have written mention being under control, seeing the person they love being with someone else, being stopped from being with the person they love and fighting and hoping no matter what to be with that person, be themselves and be free. And both Harry and Louis have said they write from personal experience. When asked which song would be the soundtrack to his life Harry answered Wouldn’t It Be Nice by The Beach Boys – a song about a young couple fighting against people to try and be together.

There is evidence of Rolling Stone magazine misquoting and manipulating Harry’s 2017 interview to push his heteronormative, womaniser image. One Direction’s video producer Ben Winston spoke to the magazine suggesting that Harry regularly brought girls back to his house. This was however during the time that it was publicly known that Harry lived with Louis, so would therefore have no need to sleep at Ben’s house. A fan tweeted asking why he said Harry lived with him when everyone knew he lived with Louis and he replied “I didn’t. The article did.”

Soon after this article James Corden, who works with Ben, shared a video of Harry asking him if he could sleep at James and Ben’s studio. James agreed under the condition he had no house guests – obviously mocking the whole idea of Harry ever sleeping at Ben’s house or bringing people back there. The Rolling Stone article is especially untrustworthy bearing in mind that this is the same magazine that also tried to make Troye Sivan seem straight, a singer who is now openly gay.

The only time Louis has actually said Larry is not real was in a tweet saying “How about this, Larry is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. I’m happy why can’t you accept that.” There is also a tweet including the line “I am in fact straight.” Liam has actually admitted in an interview that management have access to their Twitter accounts. This is interesting in relation to these tweets but also to Louis personally signing his ‘Always in my heart’ tweet to Harry with his name, proving it was him that wrote it (unlike the absence of his signature for the bullshit and straight tweets). In the interview which followed the bullshit tweet Louis and Harry were happily and playfully sticking their tongues out to each other, clearly not worrying about fuelling Larry rumours. Also if Larry really was the biggest load of bullshit Louis had ever heard then why didn’t he ever outright say in any of the interviews that Larry is absolutely not real and never was, so that people could fully ‘Accept it’ and he could definitely prove that he was ‘In fact straight’ especially when there were ample opportunities for him to officially deny it in person?

Before an interview Harry asked Louis where he wanted to sit, Louis said “Next to you” then people from their management shouted “You can’t sit together.” The band were hugging at the end of a concert, Harry looked over to check their management’s reaction and someone signalled for him to give Louis a handshake instead of a hug. Harry went to get in the same car as Louis but a bodyguard physically blocked him and guided him into a separate car. When the Larry rumour was mentioned in an interview someone behind the scenes from management shouted “Not true!” In another interview the band were asked who had girlfriends or boyfriends, Harry said “Boyfriend. Louis’. Louis’ boyfriend.” After Liam said who had girlfriends Louis said “The rest of us have all got boyfriends” and Liam said “The rest of us are each other’s boyfriends.” Louis said “That’s going to have to be cut out now” and someone from their management said “It will.”

** Why would their management team spend seven years making such a huge deal of denying Larry rumours, keeping Louis and Harry apart so much, using promo for their songs to discuss women they have supposedly been with, giving them fake girlfriends and covering up when they spend time together if they didn’t have anything to hide? **

Louis’ supposed baby –

It is basically law for high profile celebrities in one night stand pregnancy dramas to get a maternity test but Louis has not had one. Louis and the band are always saying how Louis is the most family orientated person and Louis has said that he’d always wanted kids yet him and his family barely spend time with his baby. Louis looks overjoyed in photos with his siblings especially his young 2 year old twin siblings but he never looks happy with his own baby. Louis has said that children are close to his heart, is a very involved patron and very generous donator to several children’s charities and himself arranged a fairy tale ball for ill children, yet didn’t see ‘his own baby’ on its first Christmas and he went to a concert on the night of its first birthday.

Besides the fact that Louis only ever talks about his ‘son’ Freddie with next to no enthusiasm and a forced smile, whenever asked about his plans for the band’s hiatus not once did he ever mention the fact he would be spending it raising his new baby. Louis only talks about Freddie when asked and it is always a short one sentence answer. In an interview in 2017 Louis said that he never wakes up early and was struggling to get up that morning, which is probably not something that a new dad would say.

When asked what is favourite thing about being a father was Louis said “I know he’s not a dog but whenever he can do something new, it’s always exciting.” Fans spent all day joking about how ridiculous it was to compare his new born son to a dog, then the very next night Louis went out wearing a tee shirt with a dog on it. When asked about his own dog, Louis that said he liked the responsibility which came with having a dog yet he has never mentioned the responsibility of having an actual child. During a promotional interview for his new single Just Hold On with Steve Aoki, Louis was asked if having a child had inspired his song writing, he said “No, not really” then him and Steve went on to discuss how Just Hold On was their baby. Harry used the promo for his own single to describe how his music was his baby and that he felt like he was giving birth. He also discussed how people post pictures online of babies that are not theirs. One of Harry’s songs has the lyrics “She said I’m having your baby. It’s none of your business.” And then “In a black dress, she’s such an actress.” In the official photo of Brianna (baby Freddie’s mum) announcing her pregnancy she is wearing a black dress.

During the majority of Louis’ ‘dates’ over the years with both Eleanor and Danielle, and the majority of times that he is with Freddie, Louis’ friend Oli is there. It doesn’t seem natural for your friend to constantly be present during one on one father son time or romantic days out with your girlfriend. During the time Louis was being interviewed about his son he followed 2 celebrities who have had known paternity scandals and after Freddie was born Louis went to Sunglasses Hut, not only does it seem ridiculous to immediately buy some new sunglasses after the birth of your first child but Louis is a fan of the TV show Friends in which Joey says that if any girls come round saying they’re having his baby he’ll be hiding in Sunglasses Hut.

There are numerous inconsistencies and complications with the dates of Brianna’s pregnancy, the size of her bump, hospital release dates, lawsuits, the location of the baby’s family and even the baby’s mother, Brianna. For instance Brianna posted a ‘throwback’ photo of her 3 month baby bump but the photo shows her face with plastic surgery that she hadn’t had when she was supposedly 3 months pregnant. The family surrounding baby Freddie are using his name to gain profit from ownership of clothing brands and frequently ignore Louis’ privacy requests to not post photos or videos of Freddie, and they never blur out Freddie’s face from photographs in the newspaper. Louis, his family and Harry have blocked Brianna update/fan accounts on twitter and Instagram. Louis’ sister responded to a Instagram live story saying touch your cheek if Larry is real and touch your teeth if Freddie isn’t Louis’ by touching her cheek and touching her teeth. Brianna’s grandmother even liked a photo edit on Instagram of Louis wearing a jumper saying ‘You are not the father’ she has also liked Instagram comments saying ‘Louis likes dicks’ and ‘Louis likes Harry’s dick’ and she replied to a comment saying ‘Expose Brianna we know the truth’ with ‘The truth always exposes itself.’

When Niall’s single was released and when Louis’ mum passed away every member of One Direction tweeted them both immediately to send their love and show their support but no one in the band publicly congratulated Louis on his first born son, on Twitter or in interviews. (Harry was the only one not to tweet Louis about his mum but he was there with the other boys at Louis’ X-Factor performance for his mum.) One Direction’s video director Ben Winston (who as previously mentioned doesn’t even treat them that well) recently had a baby girl and the very next day Niall visited her – yet no members of One Direction have ever revealed meeting Louis’ son. Freddie is over one year old and there are still absolutely no photos of any of Louis’ friends with Freddie. Niall, who often hangs out with Louis and lives very close by and literally flew from LA to London and back again the same day just to support Louis during his X-Factor show, has literally said to an interviewer that he’s never met Freddie (yet he has now met Ben’s daughter twice.) Louis, and the rest of One Direction, frequently like and comment on photos that their friend’s post of their own children yet Louis has never liked any photos of his own baby and he doesn’t even follow Freddie’s mum Brianna on social media. However, Louis did follow a close friend of Brianna’s on Twitter, but only after she posted a video declaring that she no longer wants anything to do with Brianna or her family.

Louis supported the rapper Devlin on social media whose song Cold Blooded has the lyrics “TV just lies, they just manipulate the truth. So is it true XXXX fathered a baby? I don’t really think so, if you ask me he don’t like ladies. Could have been Harry, yeah, I bet it was Harry.“ Louis soon after liked a tweet saying “Louis, the king of music recommendations.” Harry followed Devlin on Instagram and Devlin has worked with Ed Sheeran for a long time, who is very close friends with Harry and Louis. Harry performed a cover of Kanye West’s song Ultralight Beam, this was a peculiar choice in relation to the more rocky style of Harry music but the song has the lyrics “I know that you’ll take good care of your child. When they come for you I will shield your name. I will field your questions. I will feel your pain. No one can judge, they don’t know.” Harry kicked Brianna out of the concert where he performed this song.

A fan threw a baby doll on stage at a One Direction gig, Liam laughed and carried it over to Louis, Louis said “It’s not real. It’s a fake baby” then threw it off stage. This was before the announcement of Louis’ baby yet him and Liam behaved as if they already knew about it, which would be impossible if it really was a one night stand and not a pre-planned cover story. Beyoncé, one of the most famous singers in the world, revealed she was 5 months pregnant with her long term and equally famous husband but the newspaper reported that Brianna, a completely unknown woman who had a one night stand, was pregnant after just 2 weeks. In March 2017 Louis became involved with a police case surrounding an invasive paparazzi and immediately hired a renowned top class lawyer, yet he never did that to try and fight for more overnight custody or visitation rights for his ‘son’. Surely a lawyer with such an important client would insist on them getting a DNA test before spending 18 years paying lots of child care.

** With this many ludicrous inconsistencies and suspicions around baby Freddie you have to ask if Louis’ isn’t the father then why on earth are the media and the management team trying so hard to make people believe he is? Maybe as a way to heavily deter gay rumours and heavily disprove the Larry conspiracy so that they can continue to earn multi-millions of profit. In the first year of One Direction being on hiatus their record label has made a loss of 11 million pound. Ruthless and greedy corporate business men like Simon Cowell don’t want a gay relationship between their most successful clients to ruin the straight boyband selling point and consequently risk them being able to continue increasing their fortune.**

The fact that Liam Payne, a member of the world’s biggest boy band attended an event as major and highly publicised as the 2017 Brit Awards in secret, (to suddenly interrupt and stop Simon Cowell accepting an award on 1D’s behalf) can arrive and leave completely unseen, and the fact that Niall Horan spent the early part of One Direction’s hiatus backpacking around Europe with his cousins, remaining completely unseen and undisturbed, and Harry and Louis themselves can frequently travel around the world completely unseen, yet Eleanor and Brianna who are not celebrities and would be totally unheard of without their connections to Louis, cannot seem to walk down the street or arrive at an airport without numerous paparazzi photographs being taken and subsequent articles being written. This does not seem organic or plausible. If paparazzi are arranged to photograph them then it is done to remind the public of their connection to Louis, as a tool to reinforce the ‘straight narrative.’

Furthermore, Louis’ family were able to hide the fact that his mum was losing a long battle with leukaemia, Niall has been able to hide all of his relationships, and Zayn was able to hide his severe anxiety and his eating disorder, so why isn’t Louis’ one-night-stand, distant farther, single mother, pregnancy scandal a secret? Because if the baby really was Louis’ then his team would surely be more sensitive about a potentially shameful and damaging situation, to protect his public image, instead of drag it through the media constantly and promote this constructed, irresponsible, laddie persona. And most of all, if Louis and Harry really wanted their relationship to be kept secret then why isn’t it? Because it’s not Harry and Louis that are choosing to keep it a secret.

Communication with fans –

Examples of Harry and Louis working out how to discreetly reassure fans about stunts and communicate that they are still together.

It is also worthy of mentioning how Harry has seemingly made more suggestively ‘gay’ and ‘larry’ comments than Louis. I think this may be due to me keeping an eye on Harry more so than Louis and potentially missing some things Louis has done, but mainly due to the fact that Louis was burdened with the responsibility of far more intense and lengthy stunts than Harry, and is seemingly under much more control than Harry (which he probably chose to take on as a way to shield Harry so that he didn’t have to) and is therefore more restricted in being able to be himself – yet he has learnt to communicate more discreetly…

Concerts signs –

Both Louis and Harry directly smile at, wave at, give thumbs up to and thank audience members who make rainbow or Larry related signs, Liam frequently reads out Larry related signs and when reading “My first real crush was Louis Tomlinson” Harry said “That was me” and Liam said “5 years and still going strong, woo!” (Larry had been together for around 5 years at this point.) Harry saw a ‘Love Wins’ sign and said ‘Always’ to the girl holding it. Louis corrected Harry when he accidentally misgendered a trans fan and made sure to check how they identified. Louis also corrected Harry when he asked a fan if the boy she was with was her boyfriend by telling him “You can’t just assume these things.” At a concert Liam and Louis were looking at a fan book and called Harry over to show him a Larry page which read “Open this part only if the statement is true – Larry is real” Liam signed his name beneath that statement. Harry wrapped himself in a flag with Louis’ ‘Always in my heart’ tweet printed on it. Louis signed a rainbow pride flag for a fan at a concert and grinned whilst he watched Harry running down stage billowing pride flags.

On the theme of rainbows, Harry has a rainbow mug in One Direction’s Drag Me Down music video, and he included a photo of a rainbow striped book titled ‘All you need is love’ in the photo book for his album. He tweeted “I study rainbows” then wore a rainbow wristband which a fan threw onstage that said ‘I study rainbows.’ Harry, his band members and his hair stylist repeatedly wore shoes with rainbows on them during his album promo, he’s Instagrammed rainbows and pride flags, shouted “Happy pride!” at a concert and has worn a pride flag badge and a custom made jacket with a rainbow on the back. Louis has worn three rainbow design tee shirts, one of which was the Apple symbol covered in rainbow print which he wore the day after the Apple CEO came out as gay. When asked if he welcomes LGBTQ fans to their gigs Louis said “Yeah, absolutely. I think it’s great” and he constantly says he loves *all* their fans. Steve Aoki wore rainbow patterned socks during an interview and Louis commented “Strong socks.”

Social media messages –

A few days or moments before pictures or articles surface of Louis with his ‘son’ Freddie or his ‘girlfriends’ Danielle or Eleanor or pictures are posted by Freddie’s mum Brianna or her family, Louis almost always posts a selfie on Instagram, never smiling. He only began posting photos like this since Freddie was born and they are only ever posted before paparazzi stunt photos appear. No selfies like that exist on his account pre-babygate or without some stunt news shortly following. Louis’ warning selfies since May 2017 have not only surfaced before sightings of him and Eleanor but have also correlated with announcements of Harry’s solo work. For instance, Louis posted a selfie on Instagram then Harry released his tour dates, Louis posted a photo on Instagram then Harry released a new song, Harry released his music video then 2 minutes later Louis liked a photo on Instagram, Louis followed a new account on Instagram shortly after Harry’s first gig finished and the fans were discussing it, Harry released a documentary about his album and shortly after Louis followed a new account on Instagram.

New photos of Harry were released then Louis followed Stella McCartney who has worked with Harry’s photographer. Louis’ friend Calvin commented on a live stream of Harry’s LA gig at 5AM UK time whilst Louis was active on social media at 5AM UK time, showing that they got up early to support Harry and be there with him the only way that they could. These numerous incidents suggest Louis is not only using social media to warn fans before stunts but also to join in with Harry’s events and discreetly show his support for Harry. Both Harry and Louis also follow Larry fan accounts on Twitter and after Louis followed someone new, that account immediately followed Harry and some Larry fan accounts. Someone tweeted “Unfollow me if you ship Larry” then Harry unfollowed her.

Harry’s aforementioned song Two Ghosts has the lyrics “Same eyes blue, same white shirt, couple more tattoos”, there are numerous fans who do not believe Harry and Louis are together but have still said that they strongly believe the song is about Louis – mainly due to these specific lyrics, the emotional intensity of the song and the performances of it, and the fact that none of his ‘girlfriends’ have tattoos. Shortly after the song was played to the public Louis posted a selfie on Instagram showing his blue eyes and wearing a white tee shirt (for the first time in a while) and swearing right to the front of the camera, directly showing his 28 tattoo. Not only does this further suggest that Two Ghosts is about him (and not Taylor Swift) but Louis also captioned the photo ‘Can’t sleep.’ The last time he posted a warning selfie captioned ‘Can’t sleep’ was the day before his ‘son’ was born. Fans wonder if this marked the beginning and the end of babygate. Louis then liked a photo on Instagram which read ‘Never again’ and ‘Expect the unexpected.’ Ultra music festival (where Louis performed) then tweeted a gif of Louis’ music video with the caption “Wonder what adventures await this weekend.” (Meaning 20th May 2017) This all hints toward the end of the baby stunt, or at least the beginning of the end.

For a while Harry did similar warnings by tweeting song lyrics before news stories came out and for a long time he mainly only posted black and white photos on Instagram but referenced rainbow colours in the captions or talked about scenic views that cannot be seen in the picture. Although it’s hard to be sure, a large majority of Harry’s tweets and photos suggest complex hidden meanings, often potentially relating to queer culture and speculating about some sort of countdown. Although many of Harry’s tweets seem obscure and random he has said in an interview that he doesn’t like tweeting something for the sake of it, therefore suggesting that his tweets do mean something and are posted for a purpose. He tweeted “I’m scared of the dark and the dentist” which are lines from a song which also have the lyrics “I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else, well I’m over it. I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are. I can’t think straight, I’m so gay.” Not only is it obvious what that means but those lyrics are interestingly incredibly similar to lyrics Harry and Louis have written, such as “For so long I’ve been waiting to let go of myself” and “I don’t care what people say when we’re together.”

On the anniversary of Louis’ ‘Always in my heart’ tweet Harry posted a photo on Instagram of two men in blue and green floral shirts and captioned it “Strong.” Harry and Louis’ microphone colours are blue and green. Strong is the only One Direction song that Louis wrote on his own and has the lyrics “I'm not scared of love. Is it so wrong, that you make me strong?” In 2017 just before Eleanor became Louis’ fake girlfriend again, Louis tweeted the word ‘Always’ then immediately Instagrammed a black and white warning selfie (looking incredibly sad, with tears in his eyes) captioned ‘You’ – both posts paired together in the order which they were posted read ‘Always You.’ Before the Eleanor stunt happened the first time Louis posted the ‘Always in my heart, Harry’ tweet and when the stunt began again he said ‘Always you’ – this is Louis’ way to reassure Harry and the fans that for him it always has been Harry and always will be, no matter how it may seem.

 In April 2017 Harry retweeted a tweet from a Larry twitter account with a then and now photo of Louis drinking a milkshake in front of a pink background. The tweet remained on his account for almost an hour before the link in the tweet got hacked and had to be deleted. People thought Harry’s accounted was hacked but the retweet was sent from an iPhone, which is impossible to hack. This all occurred during the promo of Harry’s single when more people than normal were checking his account. When Niall’s Instagram got hacked the hacker did it to generate attention to and promote themselves. When Liam’s Instagram got hacked there were hateful comments about his girlfriend, Cheryl. When One Direction’s hairdresser Lou Teasdale got hacked there were hateful comments about Louis. All of these incidents got corrected swiftly and Niall, Liam and Lou commented on them, apologising and explaining. If someone hacked Harry’s twitter they would promote themselves, say something negative about Harry or the band, dramatically expose Larry or do something really controversial, not retweet Louis drinking a milkshake. If this was a hack it would not have been left up for over 40 minutes. The fact that the tweet was deleted immediately after the link got hacked shows how possible it is to swiftly deal with a hack, and suggests that had it not been tampered with, the retweet would have remained. It is uncertain if Harry accidentally retweeted the photo and decided it was less suspicious to just leave it up or if it was purposefully made to seem like a mistake. Either way Harry nor his team did anything to acknowledge or explain this, however not long after the incident Harry was asked in an interview who manages his social media and he replied “I do” which basically confirms that he retweeted the photo of Louis. Sharing a photo of your friend and bandmate should not be a big deal, but bearing in mind that Harry and Louis have barely been allowed to publicly acknowledge each other for several years and rumours of their secret relationship are still rife, it is a big deal. At the time that the retweet was shared Louis came online to follow Lorde on Twitter, this not only made fans aware the Louis was online during this time (confirming he knew what was going on) but he followed an artist who had just performed their new single on Saturday Night Live – the week before Harry was due to perform his new single on Saturday Night Live, and Lorde’s single is titled ‘Green Light’ and green is Harry’s microphone colour.

Blue and green –

Louis’ microphone colour is blue, Harry’s is green. For years Harry has had a set of blue and green keys in the same shades as his and Louis’ microphone colours and he still has them now (2017). Both Harry and Louis often like photos on Instagram in an obviously blue and green colour palette. The majority of the light show for one of Louis and Steve’s performances of Just Hold On were blue and green. The lights at Harry’s gig were blue during his songs about Louis (Two Ghosts and Sweet Creature.) As mentioned Harry posted a photo of two men in green and blue shirts, one taller than the other (Harry is taller than Louis) and in Louis and Steve’s Just Hold On music video the main characters are a couple dressed in blue and green that could easily reflect Harry and Louis – the taller person has long hair and wears a silky green jacket and a fedora hat (like Harry) and the smaller person is wearing a sporty blue sweater and a cap (like Louis.) The couple are in a slight position of minority (a woman and a black man) they meet in London, travel the world together, listen to music, fall in love and get married. The producer of the video included blue and green heart emoji’s in the caption of the video still, then deleted them, and Steve used blue and green text colours in his snapchat of the video. In April 2017 Louis’ friend Calvin liked an Instagram comment saying ‘Everything blue and green.’

Fashion choices –

As well as Louis’ rose, ‘Lies and corruption’ and rainbow shirts he also has a ‘Queen surf’ tee shirt, which is a gay beach, and Harry as also worn the same shirt. Louis has a tee shirt saying ‘Homemade’ which may reference his chicken and homemade mash potatoes meal (and Harry has the word ‘Homemade’ tattooed) and when Harry was spotted in Selfridges, the next day Louis was wearing a tee shirt from Selfridges. Louis was photographed leaving a vintage shop (with Eleanor) then weeks later Harry was photographed wearing a top from that same vintage shop.

In the early days Harry proudly wore a Harry <3 Louis tee shirt that a fan gave him. Harry and Louis have been photographed with matching blankets, Harry has a pink version and Louis has blue and they have shared several clothes numerous times, including Louis wearing the top and Harry wearing the trousers from a joint runway outfit at least twice. As well as Louis using the promo interviews for his and Steve Aoki’s single to proudly wear the rose tee shirt, he also wore a top with a triangle on and a colourful Elton John tee shirt – another gay music icon, who Harry mentioned during his own promo interviews. Louis also has a sweater saying ‘All out’ which is an LGBT awareness and support campaign group. The media used the fact that Louis and Eleanor were seen wearing similar Titanic hoodies to begin coverage of them ‘getting back together’ in 2017, Titanic is however a ship that sank and Louis’ version of the hoody had a gravestone on it. Days later Steve decided to wear his own similar Titanic hoody, to mock the falseness of the situation and attempt to shut down Eleanor rumours. Louis also said during an interview that if Steve teamed his long hair with a British accent he’d “Be winning” – Harry has long hair and a British accent.

On two separate occasions Louis has worn shirts that fans have been asking him to buy. One shirt is in reference to the love bites he’s admitted giving Harry and has an image of a mouth with fangs dripping blood. Fans tweeted Harry asking him to buy it for Louis then Louis wore it for their 2015 album photoshoot, the jacket Louis wore the tee shirt with also had a pocket hanky in the same pattern and colour as the shirt that Harry was wearing. Fans have been speculating about Louis or Harry getting a lighthouse tattoo to complement their other nautical tattoos, instead Louis wore a lighthouse tee shirt on stage with the word ‘Yes’ written over it. This shirt was custom made. Both Harry and Louis have spent the mid 2017 promo photoshoots and TV appearances for their new singles, wearing outfits gradually depicting each individual colour of the rainbow one by one.

In the majority of paparazzi photos of Harry in 2016 and 2017 he is wearing the same ‘Randy’s Donuts’ hoody. For a millionaire fashion icon with thousands of designer outfits who largely knows when he is going to be photographed, this seems quite odd, however, Randy’s Donuts is right next to a restaurant called Louis’ and is actually owned by a man named Larry. Frequently making sure he is seen wearing this same hoody of a building beside Louis’ is probably Harry’s way of making sure that fans know that he is beside Louis. After weeks of silence from Louis he posted a warning selfie on Instagram, on the 28th, of him wearing a hoodie with French writing on, the day after Harry arrived back in London from France.

Bee symbolism -

Fans noticed how Louis’ frequent and unenthused use of the word “Buzzing” to describe his feelings on the arrival of his ‘son’ seemed like an odd choice of words, since then they have consequently predicted that a bee might symbolise the ending of ‘babygate’ and have planned to get bee tattoos when it is over. Harry got a new tattoo but hid it from cameras for months then after the deceiving Rolling Stone interview he revealed that the tattoo is of a big queen bee. Steve Aoki described the One Direction and Louis Tomlinson fans as an army of bees. Harry is a big fan of puns and has many pun tattoos, for instance, a heart on his sleeve, a cage on his ribs, a butterfly on his tummy, a thigh-ger (tiger on his thigh), and the word big on his big toe, therefore fans wonder if the bee tattoo on his arm could reference Louis’ army of bees.

The day Louis posted his Comme Des Garcons selfie he also posed for fan photos whilst wearing Gucci trainers with a bee on. Louis’ ‘girlfriend’ Eleanor was photographed in the same Gucci trainers and Liam was also photographed in the bee trainers. Harry, his hairdresser and all of his band members have worn Gucci shoes with a rainbow on the front and a bee on the back, for many of their public appearances. Louis’ sister posted a photo of his younger sister with a bee dummy pacifier in her mouth. Harry has been seen twice wearing a yellow Gucci jumper with a black stripe and he performed Sweet Creature (the song about Louis) whilst wearing yellow trousers with a black stripe down the side.

Louis posted a photo on Instagram of him wearing yellow and black trainers and he was seen wearing a Gucci sweater with a bee on with the phrase “Blind for love” written in French. James Corden, a close friend of Louis and Harry’s was photographed wearing bee print shoes and a jacket with a bee on. So basically, Louis, Harry and everyone close to them were suddenly all wearing bees at the same time when they never had done before. Louis liked a photo of yellow and black striped baby shoes on Instagram, the time he liked this photo was around the same time that a photo of his own baby was posted but he didn’t like that. Louis tweeted that he hoped everyone was having a good day, last time he posted a tweet saying that was a week before him and his fake girlfriend Danielle broke up. Fans believe that the many references to the bee are ways to hint the ending of ‘babygate’.

Rainbow bears – RBB stands for Rainbow Bondage Bear and SBB stands for Sugar Baby Bear. These are two rainbow cuddly toy bears which have appeared at One Direction concerts and on an official RBB and SBB twitter account which posted photos of the bears in various locations with various props.

The locations of the photos were always in the same place as Harry or Louis. The bears were photographed in Newcastle United football strips in the grounds of St James’ park on the day One Direction performed in Newcastle. The décor of Louis’ house matches the décor of the house in photos of RBB and SBB. When an interviewer used a potato to mock One Direction fans the RBB twitter posted photos of the bears holding potatoes and a note in Harry’s handwriting. When Louis’ *girlfriend* of the time, Danielle, posted a promotion photo of her with a packet of Fit tea Louis’ sister tweeted “I won’t be drinking Fit tea and I suggest you don’t either” and the RBB twitter posted a photo of the bears on the toilet reading a book about curing diarrhoea. The rainbow bears were often surrounded by framed photos of historical gay icons and drag queens and even people called Larry. There is a photo of the bears on the part of the Hollywood walk of fame that was closed off for the day for One Direction. The photo shows the bears sitting by the Judy Garland Hollywood star, and there is another photo of them reading a Judy Garland book, and the RBB Twitter page once had Judy Garland as their header image – Judy Garland has songs called “I’m Just Wild About Harry” and “Skip To My Lou.”

You can see Louis in the reflection of the bear’s sunglasses and since then the sunglasses were always blurred out. The RBB twitter account changed its icon to a birthday cake on Louis’ birthday. One of the rainbow bears was seen in Harry’s bag. Harry dressed similarly to RBB in one of the images in his Another Man magazine photoshoot wearing a rainbow coloured fluffy jumper and a bondage type leather neck choker. He was also seen in a fluffy fur coat in 2016. There is a photo of RBB outside a pub called The Bear’s Head Inn, this pub is in Harry’s hometown of Holmes Chapel and Harry was spotted at the pub Christmas 2016. The day Harry revealed his bee tattoo he was basically dressed identically to RBB, a similar black hat, black shirt open over a light tee shirt, black jeans, black sunglasses and a rainbow flag badge. Harry has a new tattoo of the letter R next his new tattoo of a bee, possibly to spell RB.

Louis arrived home in the UK and the next day RBB and SBB were on stage at a Little Mix concert in Leeds, on the anniversary of Louis and Harry going to Leeds Festival together. Days later Perrie from Little Mix liked Louis’ photo with his siblings on Instagram and Louis went to go see Little Mix on that tour. One of the bears was wearing army camouflage trousers, Harry’s acting role as a soldier in the war movie Dunkirk had been announced around this time. At the Little Mix gig the rainbow bears had blue and green smiley face stickers on their paws and Little Mix had a green and blue light show during Secret Love Song – a song they have described as potentially being about people in a secret gay relationship and a song they performed in tribute to the Orlando shootings whilst holding a pride flag. Little Mix tweeted about Secret Love Song using blue and green heart emojis.

It’s also worth mentioning that Perrie from Little Mix and Zayn from One Direction were engaged and the two bands are on the same record label, are always very supportive of each other and spend time together, so are clearly very close. At the Little Mix concert the bears were holding a baby bottle and also wearing a red sticker. Liam’s microphone colour is red. This might suggest speculation about Liam’s supposed baby with Cheryl, especially because there are fans who strongly believe that Liam is in a secret relationship with Zayn, and the fact that Liam and Cheryl’s son is actually called Bear. The Little Mix concert was a while before Cheryl’s pregnancy rumours but if Louis and Harry knew about it beforehand and tried to warn fans this may suggest another babygate type stunt? Things are uncertain about Liam because his relationship with Cheryl and their baby has seemed more organic so far but many fans do not believe it and perhaps their team have learnt to stunt better, or maybe RBB’s red sticker was simply Louis warning fans about babies in general and could just serve as more proof of Freddie not being Louis’ son?

One of the first and only times in months that Harry had smiled in a fan photo was with people in a recruitment centre, a year ago that same day RBB’s Twitter posted a photo of the bear in front of a job centre and Liam tweeted “Off to the job centre, wish me luck”. This was 14th December 2016, the date fans speculated about One Direction’s management contract ending. Harry, Louis and RBB have all worn the same unique pair of sunglasses. When the band were once asked about the rainbow bears, everyone fell silent and really obviously immediately stared directly at Louis who smirked and stayed quiet. The RBB Twitter account vanished yet their Twitter handle is still being held so that no other account can have that same name. The rainbow bears once appeared with a phone which fans could ring, and that number is still in use because it goes to voicemail. The bear’s twitter account only liked one tweet, and it said “Larry OK.”

 Just to briefly summarise –

 Neither Harry nor Louis have officially denied they are together.

Louis is the only person Harry has ever confirmed to be dating.

Louis said he’s gay.

Harry said gender isn’t important to him in a relationship and that he doesn’t label his sexuality.

Louis and Harry’s friends and families publicly support their relationship and shame their fake girlfriends.

Harry and Louis sing directly to each other on stage and write love songs together and for each other.

The most romantic things they’ve ever done for someone were for each other.

They have numerous complimentary couple tattoos.

They both signal a heart shape for each other to the sound technicians.

They constantly touch and make sexual innuendos, have held hands, agreed to oral sex, sat on each other’s knees, slept in the same bed and given each other love bites and kisses.

They live(d) together and are constantly seen in the same locations at the same times.

There is strong evidence of a secret wedding or engagement.

Their management has access to their Twitter accounts and has a history of controlling their artists and closeting them with fake girlfriends.

No members of One Direction have publicly celebrated or met Louis’ ‘son’, Louis didn’t see him at Christmas, the baby’s grandmother has frequently implied Louis isn’t the father and Louis hasn’t had a DNA test.

Louis posts a warning selfie before stunt photos and articles are published.

Harry and Louis use rainbow teddy bears, among many other things, to communicate with fans and reassure them that they are still together and ok.

 Conclusion:

Harry and Louis, and the rest of One Direction, take every opportunity to express their sincere gratitude and love for their fans - in interviews, at events and concerts, when meeting them and on social media, and they always stick up for them if they’re being mocked by the media.

In an interview for his single Louis discussed how the fans observe everything that he and the band do online and that they can always piece together exactly what their interactions mean. Louis publicly confirmed, with a proud grin, that he knows fans see everything he does and that they can understand what it all means, and Harry often discusses how much he encourages and loves the fans to interpret things in their own way.

This therefore means that there is no way, considering their respect for the fans, considering how specific and frequent their Larry related messages to the fans are, considering how much specific evidence proves Harry and Louis are directly behind these messages, and how much specific evidence there is for Harry and Louis being together in the first place - the notion that they would frequently go to this much effort, over the course of seven years, to send fans strong signals of Larry being real and happy, if they were just teasing fans, or if Larry was not real, is ridiculous and completely futile and basically impossible.

There would not be this much drama unless there was something to hide and Larry would not go to this much effort to tell fans they were together if they were not together.

Most of all, it is incredibly unlikely, maybe even impossible, to be able to write an 18000+ word essay of strong evidence for something that is not real.

Just look at how much evidence there is.

There are obviously so many things ‘behind the scenes’ that we, the public, do not know about, but the fact that there is this much proof for Louis and Harry’s relationship and the extreme efforts gone to cover it up is incredibly telling. The fact that it is possible to generate this much evidence without being directly involved or knowing even half of what is actually going on is something in itself. In actuality we, as outsiders and onlookers, barely know anything, but despite so much being hidden from us and unknown to us, we still have THIS much evidence.

Taking all of these examples into consideration – what on earth could it all mean other Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson being in love?

Is it really that hard to believe?

  RECOMMENDED REFERENCES –

 * The absolute ultimate no.1 perfect guide to Larry proof (including part 2 and 3) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGQZk9F6Dxs - mostly moments from early on but bearing in mind Harry basically came out in every 2015 interview, RBB appeared in 2016, the RBB twitter handle is still being held, Harry and Louis wrote a love song together, still stare at each other, sing to each other and are in the same locations as each other and warn fans about stunts, we know they are still happily together now.

 * This entire video is great and has a lot of recent proof but in particular 4.09 is a really amazing proof. (All of the other crack videos and basically every video from freddieismyqueen are incredible and really really funny) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbb-XtcMNVM

 * There are lots of videos of Louis and Harry mirroring each other’s actions at the same time and its veryyyyyy interesting. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X78oc-PMTw

 * Harry and Louis with rainbows (very beautiful) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Z7_Q4Wk4I

 Harry’s tattoos and possible meanings http://www.latinpost.com/articles/6333/20140124/harry-styles-tattoo-meanings-see-one-direction-singers-tattoos-significance.htm

 Theories about the meaning of Harry’s black and white Instagram posts http://harrystylestheraconteur.tumblr.com/post/107920654286/a-revolution-in-the-budding-with-harry-styles-as

[theinternetinterviewed]

Ben Harvey, An Architect Who Puts His Life On The Line

The most popular video game to come from Slovenia is Line Rider. The object of Line Rider is to design a track for a boy on a sled to ride. In doing this, players becomes architects. Released in 2006, there are thousands of Line Rider tracks and the longest ever is titled This Will Destroy You, 50 minutes long with 2.7 million views. Ben Harvey, its maker, is a man whose sense of sight is influenced by what he hears and he therefore is able to translate musical tracks into Line Rider tracks. To watch two minutes of the video is to see a series of satisfying, sight-to-sound synchronizations. To watch twenty minutes is to narrow your attention in such a way that the boy’s experience become your own and to watch the full thing it to live the definition of the word ‘journey.’

A: Is this Ben?

B: This is Ben. You’re two hours early. A: Am I really?

B: That’s okay though.

A: Are you sure?

B: Its 1. But that’s okay though.

A: You’re cool to jump into this early?

B: We can jump into it now.

A: Cool. My name is Austin. Nice to meet you.

B: Nice to meet you. My name is Ben.

A: Hi, Ben. I have a blog called The Internet, Interviewed. It’s where I interview people who do cool things and you are one of them.

B: That sounds very broad.

A: Oh, it’s the most broad thing. Have you been interviewed before?

B: I have been interviewed a couple of times. I don’t think any of them are going to take the format that you’re doing here.

A: As in, on the phone?

B: On the phone and *pause* most of the people who have interviewed me before were in the scene of Line Rider. You’re more on the outside, if that makes sense.

A: I just like the videos.

B: *laughs*

A: I’ve seen your essays and very little of them makes sense to me.

B: *laughs*

A: This will take about 60 minutes. I have a bunch of questions. Some are funny, some nostalgic, some serious. Answer however you like. I know you’re a thoughtful, articulate guy so if you digress or tell a story, that’s fine with me. This is an interview and you’re the subject.

B: Great.

A: My first question: how did you find Line Rider and how old are you?

B: I would have been, let me do the math, I would have been 14 and I was making computer games with Game Maker [software] and trying to find where I can put them on the Internet. I found Line Flyer which was a rip off and made something in it and sent it to one of my friends and he was, like, “That’s not the real Line Rider.” He sent me a link to LineRider.com. Then I was off to the races.

A: When did you become more serious?

B: It depends on what you mean by serious. I started working seriously on a large project a year after I discovered it. A year to two years. I don’t remember. It’s been a long time since like 2008. I was 15 at the time. The Line Rider Community was something I found early and got heavily involved in. I wrote a bunch of reviews for Line Rider tracks. I didn’t start treating it as an art medium until about 2015. I went to a liberal arts college and ended up creating my own major call Electronic Artistic Design. For my last year of college, I had not been thinking about Line Rider because I was focusing on my school work. When I came back, I had a slow, rolling epiphany about how Line Rider could be treated like an art medium and how a lot of the things that I studied, I could apply to Line Rider. I’m not sure I answered your question. What was it again?

A: That was on the nose. I wanted to know when you started to look at it seriously.

B: I started putting a lot of time and effort into Line Rider in 2008 and I started looking at it as a medium for art creation in 2015–2016.

A: It amazes me that at 14 you were interested in writing reviews.

B: *laughs*

A: The game must have struck you.

B: I’m trying to think …back 12 years ago now. Getting closer to 13. I just found myself wanting to watch all of the tracks and then I realized that a lot of people were spending a lot of time on these tracks and then they would get comments like, “Cool,” “8 out of 10,” [boring voice] and I wanted to give some real feedback.

A: That’s a noble response for a young person to have.

B: Another part of it was…I was also a little bit of an outsider in school and I found a community of peers in other people who were interested in Line Rider. A big part of it was that, finding a community of people who were interested in the things that I was. Also if you’re hearing purrs it’s because my cat has decided to sit on my chest.

A: If the cat says anything, I’ll make sure to include it.

B: *laughs* Excellent.

A: Can you remember the first track that wowed you?

B: There were lots that I really liked. The first that really impressed me was a track called Discarded by TechDawg. I saw it when it came out and it was sort of the first example of a Line Rider track that someone had made where they were using scenery lines to add texture and detail to the ground so it looked like this cool, rocky landscape. It was like he was painting a picture. Instead of, “Here is a rock shape,” it was, “Here is a rock-shaped drawing and a whole bunch of cracks and crags.” He would shade the rock. That was the first one that really impressed me.

A: Did you write a review about it?

B: I did. It’s not worth much but, yeah, I did. *laughs*

A: When someone sees your work for the first time, what do you hope they think?

B: My hope is that they’re not thinking about how I made it. My hope is that they’re letting the visuals wash over them and having an emotional response — whether that’s reflective or joyful or harrowing or trippy or whatever.

A: How big is your body of work?

B: It depends on what you include. Do you include the things that I've produced or directed? Within the things I’ve made, there are shitposts I made in an hour.

A: *laughs*

B: Those take as much time to watch as something that I worked two hundred hours on. There’s maybe 10 to 20 projects that I’ve poured a lot of time into and there are 10 to 20 projects that I remain proud of today and those overlap and there are tracks that fall into one or the other only. There are a couple dozen projects that I've directed or produced or facilitated in some way, even if I only made a small fraction or even none of the actual track. There is the writing I’ve done about Line Rider which ranges from crappy reviews I wrote when I was 14 to video essays about the nature Line Rider that I’ve done more recently. There is the Line Rider Archival Project which I can’t forget. It started ad hoc a long time ago but in the last few years I’ve formalized my attempt to archive as much of Line Rider on the internet that I can so it doesn’t get lost. On top of that, there are dozens of projects that were experimental or low effort or just memes or shitposts. I’ve had a lot of conversations with all sorts of people who are making Line Rider tracks and while that’s not really part of a body of work, it’s had a lot of impact on my work.

A: If you took the courses you made and the ones you produced and directed and played one after the next, how long would that be?

B: It would take a few hours depending on what you include.

A: More than six?

B: Six would be on the high end. Oh gosh. *laughs* There was an 18 hour marathon in which I watched a lot of Line Rider track and gave live commentary on them, so if you exclude all of that and focus on the raw footage of Line Rider then it would probably be like three hours?

A: Like an unabridged order of Lord of the Rings with all the extra scenes.

B: Something like that. If you add all the video, it would be a few days.

A: When having a conversation with someone, do you sometimes drift off and create Line Rider tracks in your head? Or when putting away dishes? Sometimes does Line Rider just happen?

B: It usually happens when I’m listening to music. Music is the spark. That wasn’t always the case. The first few years…excuse me if my voice sounds weird. I’m getting over a cold…. I was imagining these two dimensional spaces with three dimensional objects in them that the sledder was moving through. I thought about the projects I was making and how I wanted to make them look. Nowadays, I find myself daydreaming about Line Rider when I’m listening to music. I think, “Oh. I know how I would visualize this piece.” Most of them will never come to fruition because I lack the tools to create them without immense amounts of work.

A: Music predates the course? You have music that attracts you and then you create a course according to it?

B: As of the last, ten years that’s true. The first maybe three years it was not about the music but in the last decade it’s been about the music. Music creates the course. I hear a piece of music and I go, “Oh. I know what I can do with this.”

A: Are you a big music fan?

B: I am a big music fan. I’m super into post-rock. Which is how This Will Destroy You got created but lots of other types of music too.

A: When you have a Line Rider session and you’re going and everything is clicking, you’re inventing things spontaneously and they’re working out, what does that feel like?

B: I have two answers for that. One is, if you have heard of the concept of flow — it’s an artistic creation mode where you’re totally focused on what you’re making and everything else fades away. And another thing relates to my autism. I am autistic and so I have this thing where I hyper-focus. That means basically the same thing. But it’s something that I can control and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I wind up hyper-focusing on things before I know it’s happening. Other times I want to hyper-focus when I want to make something but it’s difficult. But it’s a great feeling. Sometimes I make Line Rider tracks for eight hours in one sitting and other times it’s a struggle to work on it for an hour. It varies. What was that the question? I’m not sure if I answered it.

A: You absolutely illuminated it. I’ve never made a Line Rider so it’s interesting to know what it feels like to do so.

B: I can speak to that. Making a Line Rider track is a lot more like making pointillism then it is making a watercolor. *laughs*

A: How so?

B: It’s tedious and slow going. Generally, the lines are drawn one at a time and erased one at a time. They’ll get drawn and may be adjusted and erased if they’re not working. That’s been changing recently. There are new tools with copy and paste features. There are fill tools. There are all sorts of things that are new and changing that workflow. But, historically, lines are drawn one at a time, very slowly, one after the other.

A: Jeez.

B: Another thing is, you’re making a track and especially if it’s the track that’s focused less on the visuals and more on the the movement, you can’t go back and change part of the movement early on in the track because that would affect everything after it so you have to make every second of track in order one, after the other, and that can be a challenge.

A: You can’t skip around if you’re stuck on something. You have to go straight through.

B: *water drinking noises* Exactly.

A: Do you use a mouse or a drawing pad?

B: Sorry. I need to have a little more water. This cold as persistent. *water noises* I use the mouse for the entirety of the time I’ve made Line Rider tracks, so far. It’s a standard mouse. More recently sometimes I use a trackpad on my MacBook Pro. Going forward though, something I’ve been debating getting for a year now is a one of those touchscreen displays that hooks up to your computer.

A: Can you write your signature really well with a mouse?

B: *laugh* No. Not at all. You know those things where you have to sign your name on an iPad? I’m horrible.

A: Then how are you able to make courses that looks so great?

B: By drawing them one line at a time. I use the straight line tool. With the tool, you click and draw and release and that makes one line. I do that thousands of times.

A: When you plan to work on a project for the day, do you have a schedule? Do you work a certain amount of hours? Or do you throw yourself at it and get done whatever?

B: It can be a struggle to find time to work on Line Rider tracks because historically they’ve been more of a hobby than a profession. In the last year that I’ve been getting commissions, if I have a deadline that’s coming up, it’s easy for me to sit down and start working. I’m in the state of, “Ahh. I have to get this done.” If I don’t have a deadline, sometimes it’s just a matter of getting everything else in my life cleared off my plate so I’m like, “Alright. What’s left to do is the track.” Then I can sit down and not think about if there’s anything else I should be doing instead. That helps me focus.

A: What is there to be said about flying at high speeds to the sound of music? Do you have any insight into what that feeling is?

B: Yes. I’ve known for most of my life that I have synesthesia from music into visuals. Sometimes those are colors, sometimes shapes, and sometimes a movement and that can be more of an auditory-to-kinesthetic synesthesia. I get an actual sense of movement often times when I’m listening to music. It’s like the music is moving or I’m moving because of the music. Often times the most intense feelings are feelings of flying. I translate that into Line Rider. Maybe that’s what people are picking up on. I take for a lot of people it’s something that they don’t necessarily feel vividly but if you’re watching something where there is a figure flying through the air and it lines up with the music really perfectly it’s sort of this thing where people don’t get it at first and then they realize it’s lining up with the music and I feel, “Oh. I see it’s lining up with the music.” Some people react with “Oh. That’s it? That’s boring.” Other people start feeling it. It’s like they can feel the music physically. Which is really fun. It’s a thing I’ve noticed only some people experience. I thought all people experienced it until This Will Destroy You went viral and I got comments from some people who are like, “All it is is movement music synced up to music.”

A: *laughs*

B: And I’m like, “So fascinating!” There are people who don’t feel anything from that inherently.

A: Another thing I noticed was that I was watching one of your tracks and I started to do my grocery list in my head but I didn’t realize I had done it until afterwards. I realized I was thinking clearly. It put me in a zone where my mind was flexible.

B: That is interesting. Sometimes when I watch Line Rider synced to music it feels like a cleanse. It might be a vicarious experience of, like, the feeling of going on a rollercoaster, a little bit. I feel more free afterward. I’ve also noticed people experiencing that themselves. It’s good to know the feeling is widespread.

A: If Line Rider had not existed, would you have invented it?

B: I don’t think I would have invented Line Rider. I don’t know what I would have spent my free time on in 2007, 2008, and 2009 but I know I would still be doing some kind of auditory, music, or sound visualization. I was drawn to that in college and one of the big final projects I did was, I visualized a piece of music with these lights and colors in After Effects. I’d still be doing stuff like that, it just wouldn’t be with Line Rider.

A: For those of us who are not a part of the Line Rider community, can you summarize it?

B: Oh, boy.

A: What is it?

B: The simplest definition would be: a bunch of people, maybe a few dozen people, that hangout with each other on the internet and get really into discussing and creating extremely intricate Line Rider tracks. If you went into the Line Rider community, the average person would be totally confused about what people are talking about because, at least nowadays, which means in the last few years, they’ve been very very focused on the intricacies of the original physics engine and how it can be manipulated to get the sledder to do bizarre erratic movement. Sometimes these things are used to create things that can be impactful to the average person. But if you just walked into the Line Rider community and poked around you would think, “What are they talking about?” *laugh*

A: Can you rattle off a bunch of terms that I have no idea the definition of?

B: Some early ones are gravity wells. Then there ares flings of gravity wells. Then there are variation on flings. So flings can pull different parts of Bosh. Do you want me to come up with the most complex stuff I can?

A: Spit ‘em out.

B: You can make an inverted hand and tail ASDF which stands for an Alternating Single Direction Fling. We could do a Dual Alt Flanual. That would be fun.

A: *laugh*

B: You can have an all blue ten point cannon. Those are interesting.

A: *laugh*

B: Let’s see. Then you have an inverted cranual lock. How’s that?

A: I love those.

B: These are actual terms.

A: When did you make your Patreon? When did you wonder, “How can I make a living, if any?”

B: The shift turned when I was thinking about it as an art medium. Where I was like, “Oh. What if instead of playing this like an open-ended game, why don’t we try to make things that are going to appeal to people who might not even know what Line Rider is?” So, thinking about it as art that’s going to resonate with a general audience and then thinking about how I was going to do that corresponded with thinking about, well, maybe I could make this into a little hobby or a side hustle. It took off very suddenly, much faster than I expected.

A: Yes. How do you feel about your success so far?

B: I have a lot of feelings about success so far. It’s weird to have — sorry, kitty.

A: The cat jumped?

B: I got up to get water and then I was pacing around the room and I tripped over the cat.

A: Son of a gun.

B: Let’s see. How do I feel about my success so far? It’s complicated. I’m a bit estranged from the Line Rider community as of the last couple years. Three years or so. Prior, I was the administrator of the main Line Rider community and I had been running everything in the community so it’s complicated because when I retired from my administrative duties was when I went back to making more Line Rider tracks myself. When This Will Destroy You went viral, it created buzz around Line Rider and funneled people into the community that I had become estranged from. It was this awkward situation where I was reviving this community that I was no longer really as in as I used to be. I have mixed feelings around that. Those feelings standard in contrast to the feelings I have about the comments I’ve gotten on This Will Destroy You. It’s far and away the most wholesome Line Rider YouTube comment section I’ve ever seen. I’ve had people talk about all sorts of mental health issues and how the video has helped them. I’ve had people write basically a story of someone’s entire life to go along with the Line Rider track. I’ve had people being open about how it made them cry. It’s been wonderful to see how much of an impact that has had on people. It’s been great to be able to have an actual audience outside of the Line Rider community, a general audience of people who are interested in the stuff I’m making. So a lot of mixed feelings, but very positive. Is that the question that you are asking?

A: Yeah.

B: Cool.

A: You might have caught on by now that I’m asking broad questions that have no right answers. Feel comfortable as you are. These are some things you might be thinking about and putting into words for the first time ever so you’re doing great.

B: Yes, great.

A: How do you feel about your success on Patreon?

B: The Patreon started out small. And then it grew. It grew suddenly after This Will Destroy You went viral and it slowly but steadily has been growing since. I was surprised by the ratio of how many people were leaving glowing comments and how many people were sending me a dollar on Patreon. It seems like .01% percent of views and then .1% of positive comments got transferred to giving me money even though it’s just a small amount of money every time I release something. I was surprised that that didn’t translate. I think the thing is that on YouTube, people who make a lot of money on Patreon are talking to the camera a lot and so they’ll be talking and talking and talking and at the end they’ll be like, “You should pledge to my patreon.” And that brings people’s attention to it. People aren’t used to having to go look for it. They’re used to be told about it. I think it would be weird if my head popped up at the end of the Line Rider track and I was like, “Hey. Thanks for watching. Check out my patreon.” And they’re like, “Who are you?” I think that’s a big reason why it hasn’t been as successful as I would have hoped it would be with having a track going viral. It is at a point where it is starting to feel like real money and that is exciting. [$144 has been pledged to Ben by patrons per release.] Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons I haven’t been able to make something that I can release on Patreon. I took a break from Line Rider and then I had commissions and then I flew to Slovenia…anyways...

A: That’s a good segue.

B: Oh?

A: You gave a lecture in Slovenia about the history of Line Rider.

B: I did! I’m good friends with the current developer of the build of Line Rider that is on LineRider.com right now, David Lu. The original creator of Line Rider, Boštjan Čadež, (pronounced like Bastian Cah-dez) lives in Slovenia and was looking for people to curate Line Rider videos that would be included in an exhibit. He reached out to the community, got in touch with David, David sent him over to me, and I pulled together a list like, “Here’s a smattering of Line Rider tracks from across various styles and years, and a wide variety in content.” That’s how I got involved in the art exhibition. Then the curator of the art gallery reached out to me and invited me to come to the exhibit in Slovenia and said, if I can get myself there, they would provide me with lodging and give me a tour of the gallery. I managed to find a cheap plane ticket that fit with my schedule. After that was nailed down, he asked me, “Since you’re coming here, do you want to give a lecture?” He said I could choose the topic. I decided to use the opportunity to put together a lecture about the history. It got thrown together quickly though. I had about two weeks notice to know I was flying to Slovenia and giving a lecture. Given that small amount of time, it turned out well. It was good to get something about the 12 year history of Line Rider out into the world. A lot happened in 12 years and most of it was underground, obscure.

A: How did it feel to put it together? Was it easy to recall?

B: I had already done a fair amount of writing on all of the different aspects. I had already done the Line Rider archival project. I had lived a lot of the history. But I'd also done research into the various development builds. These were on the old internet forum that I used to administrate. I compiled lists of prominent Line Rider track releases, lists of different Line Rider builds and the features that they added and the people that developed them. It wasn't so much that I had to sit down and find out all this stuff. I had generally knew it. I just had to put together, “Did this happen first? Or did this happen after that?” And then package the important things to a general audience.

A: What was this exhibit for? What was the nature of it?

B: The exhibit was about Line Rider. The exhibit was titled Line Rider. The original creator of Line Rider put it together, an exhibit where there were different builds of Line Rider that people could play. There was a room with tracks projected on the walls playing on loop. There was a documentary that was created about the creator of Line Rider and and the history of how it was bought by the company InXile Entertainment. There was there was also a new virtual reality Line Rider that the original creator developed for the exhibit. There are some other things like the Game Developer Conference trophy and fun Line-Rider-themed sleds.

A: What was the cause of this exhibit?

B: The curator of the art gallery, Jani Pirnat, and Boštjan were on an artist retreat. Jani found out that Boštjan was the creator of Line Rider. Jani was like, “Oh, that's so cool.” Bosh was like, “I have a lot of negative memories about Line Rider because it got bought out by this company that was going to make a game and I was going to get a share and the game didn't do well financially so I never got any money. I don't have the rights anymore. They basically abandoned it. There are a lot of bad memories.” Jani was persistent and said, "No, no, we should look into getting the rights back. You should do this exhibit."

A: How did the creator feel about the exhibit when it finally happened?

B: He was really happy. He was also happy with the VR Line Rider that he developed, the videos on the documentary. I think he's really excited about continuing development of the VR Line Rider. I also think it's helped him work through the negative stuff that he had surrounding Line Rider. He's been active in the community since the exhibit. That's good to see.

A: What is the documentary called?

B: The documentary is called Line Rider: A Documentary. It's unreleased. In the exhibit, there was an excerpt of it shown. I might be involved in the full documentary release, which should be.... I don't know. I don't know what's going on with it right now.

A: That would be amazing.

B: I'm excited for it.

A: *pause* Who is the little boy on the sled?

B: *laughs* In the earliest builds, the sledder is referred to only as the sledder. He was given a name and personality and story in Line Rider 2 Unbound though if you watch The History of Line Rider lecture you know that Line Rider 2 Unbound has a question of… is it canon? It is officially Line Rider material but the community uses the old physics engine from before Line Rider 2 and up until recently used a modified version of the last version Boštjan developed. In Line Rider 2 Unbound, this sledder is named Bosh, after the creator. I like to think of the sledder as a universal stand-in for the viewer. I try not to focus on who is the sledder. There are people who do that in the community and it can be really fun. My favorite example is... Dangerous Cargo has a thing where, a story-focused Space Operetta, of the sledder on this little journey. But I like to think of him just as a stand-in. I want you to empathize with this sledder.

A: How many times have you dressed up as the sledder for Halloween?

B: Oh. I have never dressed up as the sledder. The most dressed up I've ever got is wearing my Line Rider t-shirt which is now signed. I actually have, through a series of events, ended up with a whole bunch of Line Rider t-shirts that I've been sending off to people who want them over the last few years. At one point, I had 16 t-shirts. But, no I've never dressed up as this letter. I don't have Bosh cosplay materials. I know the creator has dressed up as Bosh for the art gallery and some publicity material. It has him in the Line Rider hat and scarf. He also dressed up to get the Game Developers Conference award in California in 2007.

A: What are some of the funny or strange or memorable comments you’ve received on YouTube?

B: There are so many. When I scroll through my web portfolio there's a whole bunch of comments that I've just saved on there. Probably because then people can see all the nice things people have said about the track but mostly because I like to save them so I can look through them later. One that stands out to me most because it got me to reflect a lot on the impact This Will Destroy You has on the demographic that's most likely to be watching a Line Rider video is, “Is it okay to cry?” That was the whole comment. *laughs*

A: Did you not expect anyone to cry?

B: I did not. It had been years since I'd had a video that had gotten more than a few hundred views so I thought maybe a thousand people would see the video. Within a week from posting it, it went viral on Reddit, got a hundred thousand and that was more than almost any other Line Rider track I had ever made. I was over the moon at that. A couple months later, Mountain King was released by Doodle Chaos and that generated a ridiculous amount of traffic for Line Rider. My video was the one that was often recommended next by YouTube. That put it up to a million views in a very short amount of time. 100,000 was wild to begin with. *laughs*

A: How did that feel? That must have been amazing.

B: It was amazing. It was also unexpected. I found myself being overwhelmed with the comment section. It wasn't just people saying, “This is great. Nice job.” It was people reflecting on their lives. *laughs* That was really impactful. I was not expecting it to resonate that hard. I think part of the reason might have been that when making it I was in a reflective and somewhat depressed state of mind for the year and a half. I think it ended up coming through and people resonated with that.

A: It took you a year and a half to make?

B: It did. It sounds more impressive than it is. It took me about 250 hours, a little more. If you are working full time on a project, that's about two months. For me, it took 18 months. If I do the math, it averages to half an hour a day. There were days where I worked eight hours and there were months that went by when I didn't touch it at all. It varied a lot. The reason I got it done is because I kept coming back to it and being like, “Do I want to finish this? Yes I want to finish this."

A: Were people in the community expecting it or was it a secret?

B: Before This Will Destroy You was released, anything over 3 minutes was considered very long for a Line Rider track. Part of the reason I was able to make This Will Destroy You as long as it was was because of the newer builds that allowed you to scrub ahead in the timeline. They didn't used to be any timeline scrubbing so it was obnoxious to watch two minutes of track just so you can pause it and work work on the next bit. The new tools made it possible but also... I just forgot what the question was.

A: Whether it was a secret or if people knew it was coming.

B: Right. People knew I was working on a track and it was really really long. In the community, I updated people like, “I've made 5 minutes,” “I've made 10 minutes,” “I've made 15,” “I've made 20, 30.” I released a little trailer once I reached 35 minutes. But the Line Rider Community was very small. They were maybe 20 people who knew it was coming and were excited or at least curious. Most people were probably just like, “Why is this Line Rider track so long?”

A: Would you ever make another feature-length course?

B: Yes. But not soon. I have some ideas four things I would like to make eventually that are similarly long but I want to focus on some more experimental things that are shorter. I want to work on ideas I have before I tackle another long project. I could keep making projects like This Will Destroy You that are similar in structure and style but I feel like it wouldn't be as good if I tried to copy the formula.

A: Going back a bit, you said that you went to school and created your own major. For anyone else who is artistic, how would you say school has helped you?

B: The big thing was resources. I had access to software. And also physical things like lighting. I had the space where I could go to, a building and go to a room in that building and sit down and be like, “Okay. This is my space where I’m art making.” It's a little more difficult to get into that when it's my apartment. I sit at the same place to do my taxes as I do my art. It's a little more difficult to do that so it's nice to have studio spaces. Another big part of it was having deadlines. Like, “You have to make this project and it needs to be done by this day or else bad things will happen.” *laughs* That was helpful. It was also helpful to be around lots of other people that we're doing things that were somewhat similar. Someone to bounce off ideas. I could show people what I was making. All of those things are big parts of it. I also appreciated being able to take classes on the philosophy of art. I appreciated being able to work in collaboration with people. There are a lot of things. Amusingly, the classes we're probably one of the things lower down on the list.*laughs*

A: What will you be doing in five years?

B: Oh boy. Well, my day job is in technical theater. I imagine I'll still be doing that in five years. Even if Line Rider became a full-blown career and I didn't need to do it anymore, there are still things I would want to do in that.

A: What did you say the job was?

B: Technical theater. Lighting and sound and video for theatrical productions. I will still be doing Line Rider. I don't know what it'll look like in 5 years. There are things in flux right now in terms of the features being developed. I have no idea. That's all I can say. I don't want to plan too far into the future. I don't want to plan too much of my life. I want to see how things go.

A: Ben that was my last question for you.

B: Oh. That's not a question. *laughs* Alright, wonderful.

A: Thank you very much. That was awesome.

B: You are a wonderful interviewer.

A: Thank you. I'll type this up, transcribe it, make it look nice, and I'll send you a link shortly. Hopefully, within two weeks.

B: Sounds wonderful. Thank you so much.

A: Thank you.

B: Great talking to you.

A: Same. Talk soon.

There was Ben Harvey, in the midst of his life, the line he is riding. Lines tend to be everywhere. Lines are in plays, lines are in supermarkets. You have a line of work where you line your pockets. Some things are divided by a fine line, others by a dotted line. Occasionally, we draw lines in the sand. It’s difficult to keep track of them if someone’s blurred the lines. It can be fun to get out of line, feel the sensation of crossing the line, and of beating someone to the punchline. By the end of our life, we have lines on our face. And when we are online, it’s good if we can fill our empathy meter to the top line. This allows us to join the timeline of art history where many millions of people have stood in line in order to see further down the lines. When we see the end of the line, we have arrived at a point. That’s the whole point. To be pointed in a direction, ride the storyline to that point, and feel something poignant. Line Rider epitomizes this and shows us that even if you forget your lines, you’ll never forget how those lines made you feel. That’s the bottom line.

Interview conducted on 5/26/19

[sandramlopes]

For the past decade, I have struggled with my ‘schizophrenic’ Internet presence. On one hand, I have long ago started to blog about crossdressing and transgender/gender non-conforming issues, moving on to (allegedly) serious essays on those subjects. But on the other hand, the first encouragement and support — if I can use that word — came from the smoking fetishist community, and I feel that I ought to somehow also ‘give back something’ to them.

Unfortunately, that created a problem over the years: how can you take a ‘fetishist’ seriously?

Here is my dilemma: I’ve started, long ago, when YouTube was still relatively new, to develop a channel there aimed for the smoking fetishist community. And why? Because they were, back then, very tolerant towards the transgender community. In other words: they couldn’t care less if I was transgender or not, so long as I was a smoking fetishist as well.

Smoking fetishism, perhaps differently from some kinds of fetishism, is what I call a ‘two-way fetishism’, in the sense that smoking fetishists are both interested in the fetishist activity and in watching other fetishist engaging in the activity. I know that this should be obvious, but it isn’t! For instance, a lot of people constantly watch shemale porn without no intention of becoming a shemale themselves! Indeed, there are a lot of so-called ‘voyeur’ fetishisms, where the fetishism itself is in the watching activity. In the shemale porn example, for instance, shemale porn actresses just have sex on camera because, well, they are either paid for it (if they’re pros) or because they enjoy it (if they’re amateurs). In the latter example, they might be exhibicionists, which is the perfect kind of fetishism that ‘fits’ like a glove with voyeurism — they are like two pieces of a puzzle, and work best when they fit together. The same, as you can imagine, applies to a lot of examples.

Whereas with smoking fetishim, most of the people who watch smoking fetishim videos are smoking fetishists themselves, or, at the very least, smokers. There are naturally exceptions, and I’ve met a few — non-smokers (but tolerant towards smoking) who enjoy watching smoking fetishist videos.

There is a huge industry of smoking fetishism porn videos, but smoking fetishism by itself does not need to be pornographic, although almost certainly it can be described as ‘erotic’ — for other smoking fetishists. For non-fetishists, of course, smoking is just plainly disgusting, and making out of smoking an art is pure nonsense at best, or a devil-inspired perversity which ought to get their perpetrators burn in Hell for all eternity…

There are also ‘erotic’ smoking fetishism videos available all over the Internet. They have, however, a problem for true smoking fetishists: these videos are filmed by major professional pornography studios, catering for their customers, and hiring gorgeous-looking actresses to do those smoking fetishist videos, according to the tastes of their customers. The problem here is that, generally speaking, with few exceptions, those actresses are not smoking fetishists themselves. A few are not really even ‘smokers’ in the sense of being people who enjoy smoking; they are just paid to smoke on video, and, while they’re not exactly gagging and coughing, it’s quite noticeable that they are not really enjoying to smoke — they just do it because they are paid to do so.

Now, we all know that pornographic movies, like (almost) everything else in the movie industry, are just pretension — the scenes are not depicting ‘real sex’, but just a form of fantasy, performed by actors. They are nevertheless exciting 🙂 (or else they would not have an audience). But in some niche markets this is not enough: viewers demand more realism, and not merely ‘pretension’. We all know how good porn actresses are in faking orgasms, and many males (if not most of them) cannot tell the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one anyway, so, in the minds of the porn viewer, they are usually easily made to believe that the sex scenes are ‘real’. As for male orgasms on screen, well, they are much harder to ‘fake’, so porn movie directors just need to do additional takes until the actor gets an erection and ejaculates — or at least that’s what I assume they do, unless these days the porn industry uses much more sophisticated, CGI-based visual effects as well (it certainly is possible!).

With smoking fetishim, however, it’s very easy to see if an actress is just ‘pretending’ to enjoy smoking and is just being paid for looking sexy on a video with a cigarette in their hand; or if they are actual smoking fetishists and can convey the reality of the pleasure they have in smoking to their audience. True smoking fetishists are mostly interested in the smoking itself, not in how gorgeous the actress looks, even though, of course, the two combined is so much more erotic! This might sound strange for someone used to watch vanilla porn videos, but it has to be understood that fetishism, by definition, happens when the sexual erotism is diverted towards either an object or an action/behaviour which has nothing to do with sexual intercourse (although it might become part of it). Thus, feet fetishists get erotically excited by watching feet, and just the feet, the rest of the body (or what the person is doing while showing the feet) is completely irrelevant. High heels fetishists do not even need to see the foot, or the person; their erotic excitement is drawn towards the shoe as an object instead. Again, such fetishes are not rationally explainable to someone who simply does not have a fetish.

Indeed, smoking fetishism is very complicated to explain to those who are neither smokers (or, worse, anti-smokers) nor fetishists. I have explained before that there is an art of smoking, which, unfortunately, in these anti-smoker days we live in, is slowly disappearing — not totally so (because the dwindling number of smokers since the 1970s has stabilised, and, according to statistics, even gone up a bit, because even though the percentage of the population who smokes has been steadily going down, the world population is growing, and the net result is a slightly increase of the total amount of smokers out there — so, yes, Big Tobacco is still happily filling their coffers with gold and not in the risk of disappearing), but the number of people who see smoking as an art has certainly been much reduced.

And this is easily explainable due to the way how smoking is viewed by society. In the 1920s, way before any connection between smoking and decreasing health was established, smoking became a common sight among the fancy Bohemian parties, especially among women, who, until the turn of the 20th century, were disallowed to smoke (at least in public). Smoking was considered a ‘male’ pastime, for no particular reason except that males dominated society and therefore established the rules of what was supposed to be only enjoyable by males. There was a ritual attached to pipe smoking, dating from the 17th century at least, but even that ritual was a bit lost, as it implied mostly a need (in the sense of a sequence of steps that has to be performed in the right way to accomplish a result; just like, say, putting on some clothes) and not truly an art.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the concept of smoking as an art begins when women are starting to be ‘allowed’ to smoke in public, and this, of course, is reinforced by the emerging movie industry in the beginning of the 20th century. Women in the 1920s, indeed, turned smoking into something fashionable by starting to address smoking differently from men. It is to present-day society a bit baffling that smoking is a gendered activity, but it most certainly became one starting in the 1920s. Ironically, perhaps, as the global anti-smoking campaigns started in the 1970s — already half a century ago! — at about the same time of the great successes of the gender equality pushes by second-wave feminists, the way men and women smoke started to become much more similar. Not equal, but similar; and, nowadays, unlike what happened in, say, the 1950s, young girls will pick up smoking from their male friends and not from their mothers; smoking is, today, a borderline activity that happens outside established educational channels; and the consequence is that it begins to be done in secrecy, learned from others who also have picked the habit in secrecy as well, outside established social norms. In other words: women, these days, do not learn to smoke as a woman; they simply smoke as men smoke, because that is the only way they have seen people smoking.

As said, this is not entirely true, but it’s much more common to see women ‘smoking like men’ than before (meaning: half a century ago!), when smoking was clearly a gendered activity which had different norms and rituals for each gender role. And, of course, in the same way that women, from the 1920s onwards, have turned a lot of otherwise mundane activities into an art which inspires erotic undertones, smoking was not an exception.

In a world where fetishism is mostly a male activity (again, we cannot generalise, and there are certainly a lot of exceptions; for instance, many women have an uniform fetishism, i.e. being attracted to males in uniforms, such as uniforms from the armed forces or the police, etc.; women are as attracted to bondage and its paraphernalia as men are; and so forth), it is therefore not surprising that women, roughly in the past century, have turned so many mundane activities into mildly erotic acts. Consider how women put on gloves, or, better, how they put on their stockings; if you have watched porn videos where the actresses use such props, you can easily see how they have become sexualised! And while porn movies were certainly not so widespread in the past as today (mostly because having access to movies was not that easy), you can see how the glorious pin-ups in the 1940s and 1950s are so often depicted putting on their stockings and/or gloves, in deliberately erotic poses. In other words: while putting on underwear or even accessories were just seen as ‘utilitarian’ during the Victorian era (and in pre-Puritan times they had not thought about the issue at all), the roaring 1920s started to mildly sexualise, or at least eroticise, a lot of female actions and behaviour, which is not surprising, since this coincides with evolving notions about female sexuality and the role women play in society. Thus, while the bra was invented as a purely utilitarian piece of underwear by the end of the 19th century (when corsets were slowly being faded out, even if every once in a while they would make a comeback), we can see how the bra became strongly sexualised between, say, the 1940s and the 1960s, when the ‘bullet bra’ was specifically designed to enhance breast projection to an extent that we today would call ‘unnatural’; but voluptuous, curvy women were the image of feminine beauty in the 1940-1960 period, and that meant the bullet bra and a (partial) return to corsets (much more comfortable than the ones used in the Edwardian or the Victorian era) to accentuate the curviness of the female body. Today, as we have gone back to the notion of slimness as the ideal of feminine beauty (just as it was in the 1920s), the ‘bullet bra’ or the corset have dropped out of mainstream fashion — but both are still employed among niche markets where such heavy sexualised feminine items of underwear or shapewear have acquired fetishist overtones.

In other words: there has always been fetishism, and there always will be, but fetishism varies from culture to culture, and from time to time. Interestingly enough, from my limited perspective and understanding, what is considered fetishim in a specific time period seems to have been merely ‘erotic’ in the period immediately preceding it. To give two examples: in the 1940-1960 period, wearing bullet bras, perhaps a corset, and always using fake eyelashes was considered erotic and commonplace — it was expected that all women would wear that, and they knew that such a way of dressing/putting on makeup was considered attractive, even erotic, by all men. When feminists started to burn their bras in the late 1970s, and the fashion switched towards different designs in dress and overall attire, so that bullet bras and corsets did not fit any more in the feminine image of those days, women wearing bullet bras and corsets became a rarity, and images depicting such women quickly became fetishes for men still attracted to the ‘old’ image of female attractiveness. We moved on to things like the reintroduction of the push-up WonderBra in the early 1990s, when big breasts in skinny bodies became the new image of female beauty — and because such a combination is not very natural, unless one did breast augmentation, the alternative was the push-up bra to create the illusion of much bigger breasts. Today, at least in some social environments, having ‘too big’ breasts is seen as being ‘slutty’ and something that only the lower classes (or the porn actresses!) will deliberately ‘show off’ — of course, again, this varies from society to society, and from groups inside that society as well, but, generally speaking, we could say that porn actresses are mandatorily big-breasted and use whatever kind of bras that will enhance their cleavage even more because fetishism towards big-breasted women in skinny bodies — the image of female beauty in the 1990s — continues to be appreciated by a considerable number of men who are drawn to that image.

I do not want to be exhaustive in the list of changes in the feminine image — both in dressing but also in behaviour — but just attempt to explain that, before smoking as an habit became demonised, it was effectively used as an erotic tool by women, at least between the 1920s and the 1960s; smoking is a gendered activity, also starting from the 1920s, and there is much more to it than simply destroying your health by inhaling toxic, carcinogenic chemicals; even from a perspective of someone who enjoys smoking, they might not even be sensitive to the art of smoking as an aesthetic discipline, with its behaviour rules, and an intent that is designed to produce allure and eroticism — they might just see as something with an enjoyable, pleasurable taste, to which they are addicted, as they are addicted to coffee, chocolate, or even alcohol; there is not much to it.

And, objectively speaking, such people are right. Smoking in itself is supposed just to be a ‘taste experience’. However, we cannot simply ignore the historic context: smoking, when it was discovered by Portuguese and Spanish explorers in the 1500s, and brought to Europe, was contextually linked to ritualistic behaviour. Shamans, or medicine-men, would smoke in a religious context; we can still see the remains on that throughout the 19th century, when some tribes of Native Americans would smoke the ‘peace pipe’ to seal agreements to terminate a war. While the West mostly abolished such ritualistic behaviour associated to smoking, we nevertheless still keep a few remains of that — to this very day, smoking expensive cigars may still be part of, say, a wedding, or a very special occasion (like the signing of a big business contract), at least among those who are not radical anti-smokers. It’s not the issue of smoking cigars being a luxury that is truly important; since there are other luxuries (like drinking French champagne, for example) which are associated to very special occasions; it’s the actual act of smoking such cigars that is also important, and reminiscent of the way Native Americans also ‘sealed’ pacts or agreements by smoking a pipe together.

Such ancient memes linking smoking behaviour as a ritual to be performed in ‘special’ events have also been pegged to other situations and environments; the parties in the roaring 1920s were full of women freely allowed to smoke with their incredibly long cigarette holders made sometimes of precious substances, such as ivory, or tipped with encrusted gems and noble metals. Smoking, for almost half a century, was part of a glamorous lifestyle which turned the cigarette into a fashion accessory, and smoking paraphernalia (such as cigarette cases, lighters, or holders) became objects of jewellery.

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1940, Princeton, New Jersey, USA — Albert Einstein smokes a pipe and writes as he sits working in a comfortable chair in his study. — Image by © Lucien Aigner/CORBIS

Intellectuals, Bohemians, all sorts of artists, politicians, and the financial and aristocratic elite of the recent past were frequently (heavy!) smokers, in a world where up to 60% of all males did smoke habitually. What would be Einstein without his pipe or Churchill (or Fidel Castro!) without their huge Havana cigars? Until the fraud perpetuated by the tobacco companies was discovered in the late 1960s/early 1970s, and society finally got to learn the truth about tobacco products and their links to major diseases and forms of cancer, tobacco smoking was a habit that crossed all classes and (later) both genders, just like coffee, tea or alcohol. As such, being simultaneously a smoker and a free thinker was not only unusual, it was the norm.

But this is 2017. Things have changed.

At some point in the past years, my YouTube channel surpassed the million views. This would be surprising today, when only very rare videos become viral enough to reach such an astonishing number of views. But when I started that channel, there were very few videos for smoking fetishism; in fact, smoking fetishists tended to gather around our own online communities, in the form of text-only forums, with the sporadic link to a video download. With social media such as Flickr, YouTube, and Facebook, everything changed – people moved from their more obscure and feature-limited online social tools to the ‘mainstream’ social media, used by everybody else. In fact, the big advantage of those ‘mainstream’ social media are not only the extra features, but the notion that they cater to all tastes and all kinds of people.

However, there is a flip side to this, and the media is now constantly warning us about it: because what we put online stays online ‘forever’, people will be shadowed by their online presence, and judged by it. Nothing could show the dramatic effect of social media better than President Trump’s incessant twittering – once the message is ‘out there’, even if it gets deleted, someone will have made a copy, and come back to accuse us.

The ‘mainstream’ social media, because they have a business model based on profiling their users in order to sell that data to potential advertisers, have also got ridden of the concept of Internet anonymity. This had some profound consequences for those who were not so keen to publicly discuss their private life online with similar-minded people: such discussions now take place on different social media which do not care in the least about privacy issues, and force users to create profiles with their real data. Naturally enough, many don’t, and such profiles get deleted over and over again. It’s almost impossible to, say, openly and frankly discuss sex online among adults without getting banned by some company or another; I remember that when I first hosted this blog I had to ask the hosting provider if they were fine with having content which could be considered ‘erotic’ by some people; they answered that they were located in San Francisco, California, where everything is allowed; but of course this is not the case on many other places.

It’s clear that fetishism, as well as erotic content, must be part of the so-called ‘adult’ content. Unfortunately for the human population all around the world, it’s the US with its puritan, backwards, conservative rules which define what is supposed to be ‘adult content’ and what is not; in the minds of conservative, religious parents, sex is something kids are only allowed to be told about when they come of age, and, even then, in homeopathic doses. Needless to say that this is hardly the truth; teenagers, and even pre-teens, have always got access to so-called ‘adult content’ in secrecy, no matter what their parents did about it. There would always be a liberal parent allowing one friend to have some soft porn videos at home, or of having pin-ups showing off their gorgeous naked bodies on huge posters behind one’s beds. In any case, it’s not my place to discuss morality in the US and how puritan thought has shaped the way we use so-called ‘mainstream’ social media. The point here is that puritan thought still strongly shapes the attitude towards sex and eroticism; and that’s why it is more likely that a US President gets impeached because he may or may not have touched one intern in an inappropriate way, while other US Presidents can run amok creating turmoil and launching tens of millions of Americans into utter poverty, while abusing their power position, and nothing is done; so long as Trump keeps to having sex with his wife (and, ideally, not even with her…), he’ll be firmly in the Oval Office, no matter what he does.

But let’s get back to the whole point of this article.

Transgender issues, or gender issues in general (if we wish to include feminism, non-gender conformism, crossdressing, intersex issues, and so forth), are serious stuff. They are at the forefront of what might very well be the last battle for human rights — the remaining groups which still are ostracised by society, even among the most advanced, liberal, and open-minded societies in our planet. The battle is very slowly being won, but a lot of blood has been spilt in the long road to what we enjoy today. Naturally enough, those who have suffered or even given their lives so that the current generation of transgender people can enjoy a little freedom and some recognition by the law do take these issues very, very seriously. The fact that the transgender population is one of the smallest minorities among the Western world — when compared to, say, women, who are actually in the majority; or non-white people living in Europe and North America (and Australia); or even non-heterosexuals, who are at least 10% of the population — also means that there are few people to choose from to pick up the torch of freedom and bring light to these issues. It means that there are few transgender people who are thinkers, or philosophers, or academics in the field; or even doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists; not to mention being politically engaged and active, with a voice that can be heard. Think for a moment: how many transgender people do you know that are either news anchors or who are pundits or opinion-makers invited by mainstream TV to share their thoughts? How often did you see a transgender person on Stephen Colbert’s or Trevor Noah’s shows? Oh, sure enough, there are many transgender people politically engaged; some even get elected to office and, during their campaigns, they are able to make their voices heard. But such people are exceptions; the point is that they are very few.

As a consequence, if we wish those very few who fight and give their faces on behalf of the rest of us to have success with their endeavours (which are our own), then at the very least we should just humbly recognise their efforts and give them some moral (if not vocal!) support. But if we cannot even do that, well, then at the lowest end of the scale, what is expected is that we take them seriously, do not mock them, and, most especially, do not make their lives harder.

A sultry look is all it takes for being considered a sex pervert…

The LGBTIQ+ crowd faces a stigma which is very, very hard to shake off: they are, unfortunately, linked to sexual desire. This comes mostly from a perception, which is true to a degree in certain societies and environments, that male homosexuals have a lot more sex than male heterosexuals, especially those male heterosexuals who are firm believers in monogamy and already married — the kind that is conservative, puritan, and unfortunately hold the keys to law-making and opinion-making. They are also full of envy simply because, due to stupid self-imposed constraints, they force themselves into sexual frustration. Well… I’m of course adding my own explanation, but I have heard that argument over and over again, that even if it is not true, at least it is being repeated as a meme that is thought to be true. It does ring true: envy, after all, is a very powerful emotion, one that (unfortunately) leads whole countries to declare wars against others just because others have what they don’t.

But the LGBTIQ+ crowd is first and foremost as human as everybody else. Just pointing at and cherry-picking at their sexuality to stop respecting them and their opinions (and their fight for their rights!) is a very rude way of ignoring what they have to say, by simply claiming ‘it’s just about sex and therefore not serious’. John Oliver, precisely three years ago, interviewed on his show transgender Ugandan activist Pepe Julian Onziema, where, for me, the most shocking aspect of the interview was not knowing about the persecution that LGBT people face in Uganda because homosexuality (and also transexuality) became criminal offenses, punished by life sentences (the original bill mentioned the death penalty); but the way an interview in Uganda was conducted by the mainstream media where Pepe was asked ‘why are you gay?’ (subsequently reformulated as ‘why did you chose to become gay?’) and was faced with the ‘recruitment of youth to join the gay movement’, undermining the ‘core values’ of Ugandan society. It just happens that homosexuality is traditionally viewed with a certain indifference, if not outright tolerance, in most African societies; it is mostly due to Western anti-gay movements, infiltrated in Africa via certain ultra-conservative religious organisations, that a new concept – that of homophobia — was introduced in Africa! And it spread like wildfire: most African countries have now some form of anti-homosexuality laws (note: at least the Ugandan law was overturned by their Constitutional Court, because it was passed without a quorum, so the pressure on Ugandan LGBT people lifted a little bit), and, of course, it’s not hard to see how homosexuals are quickly blamed for the HIV epidemic, since ‘everyone knows how much sex they have’ (even though HIV in Africa spreads mostly among male heterosexuals who are culturally very promiscuous — but neglect basic protection, sometimes simply because they cannot afford it, or because it’s not easily available).

I’m just giving a few extreme examples, but it’s not fair to say that ‘the problem is only in Africa’. Of course not: from the US to Russia (say, Georgia), LGBT people are risking their lives when ‘coming out’, and even if the West has strong laws in place to fight homophobia and transphobia, that means little to a LGBT person who was beaten or shot to death. Sure, the perpetrators of such atrocities are judged and punished for their crimes, and sometimes the trial even appears on mainstream media, but for the victim, the knowledge that the judiciary system works, is of little use if they’re already dead. And this happens in the West, too, even, as said, in the most liberal countries (or US states); it’s just that most of those crimes of homophobia or transphobia are not given enough attention by the media. They might be all over the LGBT media, of course, but nobody but the LGBT crowd and their allies reads that. Once in a while, they get picked by the mainstream media; sometimes, however, that mainstream media simply gets it all wrong (as it happened in my own country eleven years ago), even though nowadays if they care to report similar news, it’s likely that they are a bit more informed…

So… yes, transphobia (and of course homophobia too) kills. People lose their lives even though the law is supposed to protect them. We can have good anti-transphobia laws, but enforcing them and educating society to at least understand that it’s not a question about hypersexuality, much less about a choice that someone makes — well, that is a challenge that is still ahead of us. I’m naturally an optimist and I can see that things are much, much better these days; it’s much more easier to ‘come out’ and transition, and much more tolerated, at least in many environments; but there is still a lot of ground to cover.

A while ago I’ve mentioned that I ‘came out’ to my best university friend — someone who is quite open-minded, being bisexual, polyamorous, and into swinging. By sheer chance, he had just met a trans woman at work (at the beginning, he had no idea she was trans, until she told him) who eventually became one of his girlfriends, so he was naturally a bit more informed about what trans people have to go through to get accepted. Nevertheless, one thing immediately caught my attention while he was talking about her, contrasting her to other girlfriends of his: that she was into very kinky stuff and, besides all the rest of her attractiveness as a person (being clever, witty, a good talker and listener, a good companion, and so forth), it was also clear that what she did in bed clearly outperformed all her other girlfriends, most of which were ‘plain vanilla’ and not interested in experimenting with ‘new stuff’.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong in a trans woman enjoying her sexuality like anyone else! The issue here is this immediate link that springs into people’s minds, even in the minds of those who are very open-minded and tolerant: transgenderity means (somehow) better sex (or at least more sex). In other words: trans people are kinky. They might not have transitioned because of sexual issues, but once they have transitioned, they’re quite cool as sexual partners!

While I had encountered this association at several levels, it is still shocking when it surfaces within the context of real people (and not merely abstractions or hypothetical cases). There are fetishists who have an intense desire of having sex with trans people, because they are viewed as being ‘special’ or somehow ‘better’ in bed. They become sexually attractive because they are trans. There is naturally the curiosity of ‘experimenting’, in the sense that trans people are a rarity, and there is this knowledge that they were ‘different persons’ (even from a purely sexual perspective) before transition, and now they are ‘something else’. Heterosexual males, for instance, may see trans women as a dream coming true: a person who is physically female in all regards, often making a strong effort to look pretty and attractive (unlike so many cisgender women who simply don’t care about that any more), but who is wrongly believed to have somehow a ‘male’ mind of some sort which drives their sexual desire, and, as a bonus, there will never be the risk of having an unwanted pregnancy with them. Now, taking this description out of context, we can see how sexist it actually is, while at the same time incredibly offensive towards trans women, who are seen as a new, special kind of ‘sex toy’, perfectly adapted to fulfill all desires and wishes of a heterosexual, cisgender male.

Do I have ‘hit me, I’m awesome in bed’ written all over my face??

Indeed, and although I’m very well aware that anecdotal evidence does not make a case, I have personally met a few cisgender males who, in search of more sexual partners (without fearing the unwanted consequences of a possible pregnancy), turned first to other males, but, not entirely satisfied with that preference of sexual partner, found out about transgender people, who were much more aligned to their own preferences. In other words: such males, while eventually labelling themselves as bisexual or at least bi-curious, have a clear preference for a partner with a female body; but they are also aware that the number of available women with similar sexual enthusiasm might not be that accessible as they wished; on the other hand, due to a lot of social conditioning, males share certain mindsets – even if stereotypically so – especially regarding sex, a mindset which women may or may not agree with. Trans women are therefore seen as the ‘perfect’ choice, since they have also been socially conditioned to think as men for a large part of their lives, and even if they identify as women, that social conditioning left its traces – or at least that is what those men assume – but they have a physical body of a woman and are able to please men as a woman can please them.

I know that this is not only complex, but wrong in many aspects, and in any case politically incorrect. Trans women are, for all purposes, women, and that is especially true in terms of their mind. Now, one thing is to state the factual truth, which, in the case of trans women who went through a medical-assisted transition, was established by a team (or teams) of professional clinical sexologists. The other thing is to deal with perceptions of others, which will have nothing to do with the factual truth.

In other words: we, as community members, can claim as much as we wish that trans women are women in all aspects (except for the sad truth of having been born with a body which is not aligned with their gender identity). Such claims, of course, are part of scientific truth and have been established beyond a shadow of doubt, and this knowledge has been asserted a few decades ago. But beyond the realm of science and political activism, people have their own perceptions of the truth. It is still very hard to shake off the idea that trans people go through transition for sexual reasons; if you have a few minutes to watch the video below, at least from the 2m10s mark onwards, you will see how hard it is for transgender people to explain why they want to go through genital surgery, and making very clear that it is not because of sex:

Put in a different way: society, somehow, expects that ‘serious’ transgender people give up on their sexuality… or they will not be seen as ‘serious’. Of course we know that this is particularly true in more conservative environments (where people are against the existence of LGBTQI+ anyway!), but such a conservative stance ‘spills over’ to the rest of society.

I’m not speaking as a hypothetical case; I’m actually speaking from personal experience! Among the dozens of fans that faithfully watch my videos and/or the stream of pictures posted on Flickr, it’s just a very small handful who understands that there are other reasons besides sexual fetishism involved in crossdressing. When faced with that issue, they will be baffled and ask honestly: ‘If you are not into sex, why do you publish videos such as yours?’ And that question, of course, haunts me, and will continue to haunt me for as long as I keep a presence on YouTube and Flickr (and some other places as well).

It is painful for me to admit, but I cannot be publicly and openly a smoking fetishist, having joined their community decades ago (not formally, of course, there is no such thing as a formal association of world-wide smoking fetishists), while at the same time pretending that my crossdressing is not sexual in nature. Any form of fetishism is, by definition, sexual in nature. While most people who crossdress and ‘show themselves off’ on YouTube and/or other social media are interested in transvestic fetishism (and that’s also the kind of audience they attract), there are exceptions that might cater for a niche market, such as what I do (and yes, I’m very well aware of a handful of MtF crossdressers, sometimes even transgender people under transition, who are also smoking fetishists and publish their videos online for the same target audience that I do). Even though the act of publishing erotic or adult content to a specific audience does not mean that one is interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with the audience, that is what is automatically assumed by everybody else.

I’m naïve enough to admit that such a link was not immediately obvious for me in, say, 2005 or so, when my first videos and images were made public. Consider the porn video industry as an example. Just because someone is a director of porn movies, that doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with all the actresses. They might want that, but if they are all pros, this will simply not happen. At the same time, the audience knows that — or at least most of the audience! — the scenes depicted in a porn movie are fantasy. They are not real; in fact, in recent times, some of the more ‘unnatural’ sex scenes are not even performed with an actress at all, but rather with a silicone doll (acquired from SFX people such as RealDoll); but porn actresses also have (human) doubles as well; so it’s all pretty much fantasy coming from the movie industry.

We turn back to what I explained at the very beginning. Smoking fetishists naturally enjoy watching (porn) actresses pretending to smoke. However, they are frustrated if the ‘pretense’ is not convincing. Here we get an effect that is also present on porn movies, and which is the rise of the amateur videos.

It’s not enough to be smoking, you have to be able to show that you actually enjoy it!

Consumers of porn know that videos are just ‘pretense’. The actors and actresses may be good enough to perform very convincing sex scenes, and the degree of realism that they portray will have an impact in how big their audience is. Some, of course, are not worried about the ‘pretense’ — i.e. that the actor is not really having intercourse with a human actress, or that the actress is just pretending to have orgasms anyway — if the scenes are convincing enough. However, for some people, this is not enough — they expect an even higher degree of realism. And here is where amateurs can actually ‘outperform’ professional actors, in the sense that home movies have today enough quality (thanks to the development of affordable high-quality video cameras, such as the ones present in high-end mobile phones, for instance) to show satisfactory images. Amateurs doing their own porn videos may lack the studio quality of a professional production, but they show real people having real sex, and for a certain kind of audience, this is much more interesting than having actors and actresses in a studio (no matter how good the directing may be). While porn stars are hand-picked for their stereotypical looks, the truth is that there are far more good-looking people these days, plastic surgery is relatively accessible, and amateurs get access to better cameras, better editing tools, and reach an audience on the Internet which the porn industry cannot beat (since even the cheapest porn video has much higher costs than an amateur video posted on xTube or similar amateur porn websites).

There is a whole industry of amateur porn as well; websites compile the ‘best stuff’ out there and redistribute it to an eager audience for a fee. In many cases, amateurs who are able to attract an interesting audience will be able to make a living out of it — either through ads or by having agreements with online redistributors. In essence, such people cannot be called ‘amateurs’ any longer, and for at least a decade or so, many porn webcam chat sites have included ‘models’ who are professional porn stars doing some ‘amateur stuff’ on their webcams and earning an interesting income even when they are between movie productions. Some might even abandoned the professional porn movie industry in favour of doing ‘amateur stunts’ on the web; others use their web presence, doing ‘spontaneous’ online shows for free, to promote their own professionally-edited porn videos. And these days it’s not totally uncommon to have porn stars to be live on adult webcam chatrooms, interacting with their audience directly; last but not least, both amateurs and pros are more than willing to do private shows to an audience for a price, something that is very appealing to those who are voyeurs, or, not being voyeurs, rather prefer to watch their favourite actress to do whatever they ask her to do on camera, than to pay for a flesh-and-blood prostitute to do the same, with the difficulties that entails (namely, eventual laws forbidding prostitution; and having the required time and place to engage in such activities). ‘Digital porn’ is a huge market, and it’s always claimed that up to 20% of all traffic on the Internet is porn of some sort, although there are no real serious studies about that. Nevertheless it certainly is a big market, and one that never fails to have consumers.

Thus, the two industries — that of amateurs and professionals — have pretty much merged into one, at least to a certain degree, and this should not be that surprising. Outside the porn market, we have YouTube celebrities which, after reaching a certain status (and millions of followers), might get their own TV show on cable network. This has certainly happened and will continue to happen; the same is true for musicians who become famous netcelebrities and then attempt to make a career in ‘the real world’, sometimes using a platform such as The Voice or similar, popular TV contests to perform on TV for even larger audiences. I keep forgetting which show actually demands that contestants have a YouTube channel, which is evaluated by the show’s organisers before the contestant is even allowed to appear on an audition. Such things will become more and more commonplace.

The porn industry is far more advanced in that scenario (which is not surprising; they normally are one step ahead of the rest of the world; we cannot ever forget that the first social website, predating Facebook for a decade, was designed for adults to set up sexual encounters), and the two realities have blended. Porn distributors began their own websites to ship DVDs to potential customers; but soon it was obvious that the Internet is one of the best distribution mechanisms ever invented, and it became much easier to stream DVD-quality video through the Internet to eager customers than to deal with the logistics of actual manufacturing of the DVDs, having enough storage, and people to deal with the handling and shipping. Instead, after a movie is produced, it can immediately be released online; there is no need to actually burn DVDs any more. But the reverse side of the coin is that if professional distributors and professional porn movie studios can do this, so can amateurs. Eventually, an amateur that becomes successful in attracting a large audience gets invited to be part of the ‘big distributors’ portfolio or even to have their videos professionally edited by a movie studio; and, reversely, as said, porn stars start to get encouraged to do free online shows to their fans on webcam chatrooms, in order to promote their own videos; and, finally, webcam chatrooms, although they are in a different business model than distributors or movie producers, are nevertheless willing to pay people to perform on ‘premium’ channels, which help them to pay the costs of bandwidth and software —giving amateurs a potential regular stream of income, effectively turning them into professionals; reversely, professional sex workers are often willing to earn some extra money in their spare time by offering their own premium channels to their fans, showing themselves off in real-time on such webcam chatrooms. On top of that all, consumers become producers, and producers become consumers: people interested in watching porn through the Internet may also become interested in producing their own porn, as amateurs, for others to see.

Who’s the amateur here?

And here is where things become confusing. Because the barrier of who is an amateur and who is a pro, or who is a consumer and who is a producer, have been shattered by the age of Internet video, common assumptions simply do not work any more. How can a viewer of a premium real-time video channel know that the person in front of the camera is really enjoying masturbating for an audience, or if she or he is just doing that as part of a show, a pretense, just as it is done in porn movies? Porn stars ‘pass’ as amateurs, in order to attract the crowd which is keen on amateur videos because it is ‘real’ (and done in real-time too); while amateurs with extraordinary skills become regularly paid and dedicate a chunk of their time in online ‘pretense’ as well, just to please their audience and guarantee their paycheck from the webcam chatroom owners at the end of the month. So, from the perspective of an outsider, what is real, what is not; who are the amateurs, who are the pros; and who is ‘just a consumer’ and who is ‘just a producer’?

Naturally, this dilemma has affected my own YouTube channel. On one hand, back in 2005 or so, it was much clearer who were the amateurs, and who were the pros; but professional porn studios started to have a problem with smoking fetishism. Smoking fetishism is more akin to an art such as, say, ice skating or ballroom dancing (really!): there is a certain amount of techniques that smoking fetishists are supposed to be able to perform — and prove that they can do it! — and ingeniously build them into a choreography that is erotic and interesting, captivating an audience. Smoking fetishism is therefore a performance, and actually a rather formalised one, even if it does not seem to be the case; and this is mostly because smoking itself also has its rituals (the way a cigarette is lighted up, how ashes are disposed of, how cigarettes are stored in cases, and so forth). Smoking fetishists, therefore, do not merely enjoy the act of smoking itself, but the whole ritualised, formalised approach to smoking with an erotic undertone as a specific intent (for those who appreciate it, of course). In this context, it’s not enough for an actress (or a good amateur!) to simply light up and blow some smoke into the camera; there is so much more to it; and the audience knows that and demands that. This is what makes it difficult for professional studios: there is just a limited amount of professional porn stars who are also smoking fetishists themselves and who are knowledgeable enough in the art of smoking to pull off convincing scenes that are acceptable for the audience; and while this is a small niche market, nevertheless there is far more demand than supply.

One might ask why this is the case (since it clearly is not the case with other kinds of erotic content!), and the answer is simply that the percentage of smokers is slowly dwindling. Connoisseurs of the art of smoking will watch delighted old movies from the 1940s and 1950s, when the directors would tell the actresses exactly what was demanded of them when they smoked on the silver screen; the art of smoking was well established and well known, and this is why those movies, even though they are meant to be PG, are exceptionally erotic for smoking fetishists: they reflect a time when women were aware of smoking as an art which could be performed in an enticing, erotic way, and when movie directors knew this very well, and knew exactly how to direct their actresses to produce those results (of course, it also helped that most of those actresses were actually real smokers as well, and thus familiar with the whole codification of the art of smoking).

When reviewing some professionally-shot contemporary smoking fetishist movies, it’s often evident for the audience that the movie director is aware of the tricks used by their predecessors in the 1940s/1950s in terms of camera positioning and lighting (cigarette smoke, for example, needs backlighting, or it will become almost invisible and thus uninteresting); however, they often have to work with models and actresses who are either not smokers, or causal smokers, or, even if they are regular smokers (which is rare these days), they are certainly not familiar with the full codification of the art of smoking — and thus their videos always lack realism and credibility, and are therefore very disappointing for potential viewers. Also, some porn movie directors misinterpret the point of smoking fetishism: it’s not a way to ‘show off’ the nice attributes of the models, but what true fetishists appreciate is the technique. If the woman is attractive or not, well, that is just a bonus, of course, but true fetishists will be enthralled by the technique, not the size of the breasts — they can watch gorgeous female bodies elsewhere. Obviously a combination of both will work best, but it’s not necessary; and the professional porn movie industry, lacking realistic and convincing smokers, try to compensate by offering good-looking actresses instead. Smoking fetishists feel that they are somehow cheated by that.

I obviously cannot generalise — like all fields of human nature, no two smoking fetishists are the same! — but I can speak for an average audience of smoking fetishists. There are not many, and the few that follow my YouTube channel, know exactly what they are interested in. They couldn’t care less if I am a crossdresser, transgender, gender non-conforming, or simply a guy who dresses up as a woman to make a few videos. Instead, they are just interested in the smoking. And while they are a very tolerant and open-minded group (namely, not caring about what ‘gender’ I identify with), they are also very demanding that the art of smoking is performed correctly according to the canon. I’m obviously aware that I’m far below the threshold of what would be considered a ‘good’ smoking fetishist — I’m ok with a holder, but not without one; my dangling (holding the holder or cigarette in the mouth by clenching the teeth on the mouthpiece) is not convincing; and I’m very bad at doing smoke rings. If the art of smoking were an Olympic discipline, I would just score around 70% or so — well below what would be necessary for joining the Games 🙂 But — and that’s the important point — my audience knows that I enjoy smoking, that I’m a ‘real’ smoker and not merely an actress pretending to be one, and that I even do some of the techniques in public and not only on video — this is, by the way, how the art of smoking was actually meant to be used: in public, not just as a performance behind a camera.

A face to launch a thousand ships.

Unfortunately, there is a catch: on public, open channels such as YouTube (and this is also true of many webcam chatrooms, of course) it’s hard to select your audience. In other words, it’s a free market: you put your videos out there expecting to attract some people who will like them; while, on the reverse side of the coin, people attracted by a specific kind of videos will try to find them through searches. Sometimes there is a match — which can be rare when we’re talking about very small communities! The problem here is that, on one hand, to keep that audience happy, I have no choice but to make my videos public, so that they can find them; on the other hand, because they are public, they will almost immediately be misunderstood by watchers who are not smoking fetishists.

And those — clearly the majority! — are mostly of two types. Some, of course, do not understand the purpose of ‘transgender smoking fetishism’ and will either insult me in the comments or simply skip the video and jump elsewhere. Others, however, come from webcam chatrooms, where they are used to get others to do ‘shows’ for them, and eventually even arrange a few encounters in ‘real life’. In other words, because I’m crossdressing, I’m automatically labeled as a ‘fetishist’ of some sort; and because the videos are public, it ‘means’ (for them) that I’m available, in the sense of being potentially interested in having sex with whomever writes on the comments. This is merely a reflection of what happens elsewhere, and people coming from environments where this is clearly the case — for instance, where escorts are available online as a ‘preview’ of what they can offer; or where women willing to have intercourse are actively looking for partners by ‘showing themselves off’ on webcam. Those visitors are by far the majority, or perhaps I should say were the majority, because thankfully most moved on to people who were aligned with what they had in mind.

The public in general, however, considers those that engage in any sort of erotic activity to be ‘lesser humans’ than the rest of the world, which is assumed that is ‘sexually inactive’, or, more precisely, which keeps ‘sexual things’ outside the public sphere. Naturally enough, this will depend on the context, as well as on the country and the specific society, but, in general, those who are open and public with their sexuality, or at least with what they consider erotic, are viewed with suspicion, disdain, or contempt. They are not taken seriously. And this offers a challenge, one that I had to reflect upon for several months.

Let me give you a very interesting example. One of my online acquaintances, which I have met over a decade ago, is one of the most formidably intelligent women I have met. She has a PhD in philosophy, teaches at some university in the US, and — online, via the social 3D virtual world of Second Life — she gives weekly conferences on a lot of deep philosophical subjects, which I tremendously enjoy, and of course I’m not the only one. Her conferences, lectures or debates are usually attended by an audience of several dozen people online, which is possibly more than what she gets ‘in real life’, most of which have been eager followers and fans of her for many, many years.

This woman, however, has an interesting background story. Besides her obvious intelligence, which is immediately noticed after just a few seconds of conversation, she was also a beauty queen in her university days. Now, I cannot really confirm or deny such claim, because I have just seen a few — very few! — of her pictures in her 30s, and while they are artistic photographies (and not porn shots!), it is clear for anyone that she had a gorgeous body and overall looks. But her artistic photos have a different intention than merely ‘showing off’ her body: instead, they are images about the beauty of the human body, where she poses in the nude as an example. The difference between ‘nude’ and ‘naked’ is a subtle one, and I have long ago learned the difference (my own language, Portuguese, just has one word for both), which may or not be correct — I’m just repeating what I was taught: when English speakers talk about ‘nude’, they are talking mostly about an artistic representation of the human body, where the focus is not in the lack of clothes per se, but rather in the harmonious, aesthetically pleasing ratios present in the human body (and which, to an extent, are replicated on all artistic creations, but that is a discussion for another place…); while someone is ‘naked’ when they drop off their clothes in the attempt to entice or excite viewers by showing off their uncovered bodies. Nakedness has sexual undertones, while nudeness has artistic ones.

Now, this particular PhD philosophy professor was scared of remaining in debt forever while going through university; she knew that even if she got a regular job flipping burgers and cleaning tables, she would not be able to pay her tuition fees, and she would have no choice but to get a loan from a bank — which she was reluctant to do (as I understand the story, she might not even qualify for such a loan). So what did she do? Well, she sold her body: she would earn far more that way, have plenty of spare time to do her studies (unlike what would happen with a full-time job), and, instead of being broke and having to repay a loan, she did actually make a good enough profit that secured her immediate years after university. She was already very uninhibited about her body and had no problem posing in the nude for art and photography students as a model; the step of starting to work as an escort and later as a prostitute was not too big for her to take. And, as easily as she slipped in that role when it was necessary, once she got her tenure and a secure job at a university, of course she could drop her activities as a sex worker (while still continuing to pose as a nude model for some artists and photographers).

Did her colleagues and teachers know about that? And if so, did they approve? I have no idea, and I feel it’s rude to ask her so — either she’s willing to talk about the subject, or not. It’s part of her personal, private life, and nobody has anything to do with it. I also have no idea where in the US this happens, and if it was in a state where prostitution is allowed or not (in my own country, for instance, she would have had absolutely no problem in doing so — she could even give her customers valid receipts, charge them VAT, pay taxes and the welfare fees, and enjoy an early retirement thanks to being labeled as a ‘fast burnout job’). But it’s only natural that she wouldn’t want to wildly advertise the way she paid her tuition fees during her student days. Not because she is somehow ashamed of it — nothing could be further from the truth! — but simply because it’s not socially acceptable for a professor at a university to have been a prostitute. In other words, having in your CV (or resumée) listed as former job ‘prostitute’ will not open you doors.

So, she very carefully kept her daily life separated from her past. To this very day, even though it’s very easy to see that she has a vast and thorough academic knowledge in the field of philosophy — which you immediately get by sitting through one of her philosophy lectures and debates done online in Second Life — I have no idea of her real name. The very few nude pictures she has on her profile are not good enough for Google images to track her down (and she knows that perfectly, or else she wouldn’t post them). But, of course, in the privacy of Second Life, she is quite open about her past (at least with people she has met and talked to for a long time) — no one there would be able to ‘leak’ details about her past life to her current employers, since nobody knows her real name, the institution she currently works from, or has any proof (like pictures or videos!) of her former activities as a prostitute.

By keeping her private past separate from her academic present, she is able to be taken very seriously in her job. And this is how it ought to be: there is no written rule that a prostitute cannot finish a PhD in philosophy and become a professor at a university (or vice-versa!), but, unfortunately, in the society we currently live in, the two situations are somehow viewed as incompatible — as if her sexuality has anything to do with her intelligence, education, and academic training.

I like to smoke… so what?

I know this is a rather extreme case, of course. But it shows my point rather nicely. By insisting to keep some online videos and pictures which had the smoking fetishist community in mind, and which are merely a ‘fantasy’ and understood as such by my fellow smoking fetishist community members, unfortunately the ‘rest of the world’ doesn’t see it as such. In fact, even non-smokers find some of my videos strangely attractive to them; they can ‘forget’ the smoking bit which bothers them and focus instead on what they perceive to be an erotic undercurrent emanating from those videos. In effect, they just see me as a ‘soft porn’ amateur actress; and, as such, they put me in the same box as all other people engaged in porn (soft or otherwise). In other words, I’m not really taken seriously.

Now, one may argue that ‘being taken seriously’ is overrated (Buddhists certainly think that way!). But we strangely live in an age when conservatives are becoming more and more extreme, and even liberals are shaking on their foundations and wondering if we have not gone too far — whatever is meant by that, of course. In particular, in this age of social media, it’s a bad idea to mix one’s private life with the public one. Before the Internet, you could buy porn VHS tapes, subscribe to porn magazines, have your own BDSM dungeon in the cellar of your Beverly Hills mansion, entertain group sex parties, and still maintain the image of the perfect gentleman or lady in public — simply because it would be highly unlikely that anything of your private life would ‘leak out’. We didn’t even have smartphones, and mobile phones lacked trackability, so we would use landlines to get in touch with the members of the group sex parties — and since those were with consenting adults, the likelihood of anyone listening in to one’s telephone conversation would be next to zero. Also, all parties involved would be interested in securing their privacy as well; sex toys and porn magazines would be delivered plainly packaged, etc. And of course not everybody would have easy access to cameras; we would not make selfies of ourselves inside a BDSM dungeon, and, if we did, we would have to bring them to a friend’s developing lab, because we most certainly wouldn’t want a random guy working at the photo lab to see what we were about. All these precautions were natural, but it was also much easier to keep them off the public eye (unless, of course, anything illegal would happen; in that case, it would be certain that the police would step in!).

These days, however, ‘privacy’ is a forgotten word. Our own watches can take high resolution pictures easily — and without anyone really noticing — as well as whole movies. Home appliances built in China have Wi-Fi sniffers built in. Smart TVs are able to be used by hackers to view what’s going on in your living room — some have cameras which the manufacturer never told you about. Google, Apple, and all major smartphone manufacturers track you down via GPS, and they can pinpoint you with increasing precision (soon, new generations of smartphones will use Europe’s own Galileo global satellite-based navigation system, which surpasses the US non-military GPS system in precision — and of course smartphones will use both). We communicate via a plethora of technologies, of websites, of protocols — sometimes even not realising what we’re doing. Companies track down our browser usage — as well as what TV channels we watch on cable — and profile us to give us better ads. Drones with 4K video cameras hover by our windows — even on high-rise buildings! — and can see exactly what we’re doing, even by night, since they can easily use infrared cameras. Technology that once was in the hands of the military or the security forces is now available to the common person; in seconds, or at least minutes, we can grab a part of a picture, identify a face on it, and see on which social networks they are registered — thus easily figuring out their name, and possibly even their address. Stalkers live in paradise, as they can easily figure out where their victims are, and track them by their phones; and the same applies to burglars which need to know when someone has logged off from home and is travelling to work (hint: they can look at the check-in messages on Facebook!). Fortunately for us, crime prevention also uses the same tools, and they have professionals using them, so things didn’t totally get out of hand — at least from the perspective of criminality!

But nevertheless we lost this ability of separating our private from our public lives. Both are now open for anyone to see on the Internet. Of course, we can take precautions: we can have different profiles, different online persona, each with its own set of configurations, logins, passwords, names, and so forth; only more sophisticated computer users will be able to draw a connection between both. Some people are paranoid enough to change not only their passwords, but even their email addresses and social profiles, twice a year or so; sometimes this happens because they are blocked, of course, but there are people who are aware of their lack of privacy and therefore are always eager to change everything — making it even hard for their own real friends to track down!

Here’s the catch: if I had been assigned female at birth, this would be a typical selfie from a night out. Because I’m not, this is a scandalous hot porn pic from a sex perv! WTF?!?

While a little precaution is certainly more than advised, often we cannot plan what will happen in the future, and it might be too late to correct a serious mistake one has carelessly made in the past. 15 years ago or so, I had no intention to ever meet anyone in public, dressed like a woman; so I thought it would be more than ‘safe’ to register myself in all sorts of ‘borderline’ social sites out there. While it was fun, for a while, to see some of my YouTube videos reaching hundreds of thousands of views (!!!), now I regret how easy that allowed some people to capture those videos on their hard disks and upload them to porn sites (yes, that actually happened). I mean, this is the kind of thing that we all heard about; we know it does happen; so it should not be a surprise. In fact, a decade ago, I would actually be very happy if someone was redistributing my content! That would have been awesome!

But now…? Well, now I have made contacts, reached out to new friends and acquaintances, and tried to establish myself as a voice in my (tiny) community. This is incompatible with the kind of ‘fun’ videos (or pictures) I made over a decade ago. Not for me personally — I’m not ashamed of those videos and pics, I actually enjoyed doing them, and I know that there are plenty of friends out there who enjoyed watching them as all — but rather for the community as a whole. When transgender people are so adamantly defending that gender identity has nothing to do with ‘sexual deviation’ (although of course sexuality is an inherent part of every human being!), people raise a few eyebrows when they see the sort of content that transgender people actually post of themselves online. Sure, that is actually very unfair: cisgender people post far more erotic content (involving themselves!) than transgender people, simply because they outnumber us 30,000 to 1 — and therefore produce oodles of more content. But it’s always a question of perception. If a cisgender heterosexual male or female post images of themselves doing a sexy pose on Instagram, they’re cool, or sexy, or perhaps just labeled as attention-getters, but, in any case, it’s always socially acceptable behaviour (for the norms that we have in this decade!). Whilst when a transgender person does the same… well, then it’s just a ‘confirmation’ that, deep down, all transgenderism is about sex.

This is naturally a form of discrimination. In other words, cisgender people are allowed to have a perfectly normal and healthy sexuality, and even if they ‘show off’ on social media, this is not considered a major catastrophe. Even former presidents of the US can get a picture of themselves hugging their wives on the beach — it might raise a few smiles, a comment or two, but… even presidents have their sexuality, right? So we shrug it off — unless, of course, some ‘red lines’ are crossed. But transgender people are encircled by red lines. Whatever they do, even if they just do a nose job and post a picture of themselves showing how well it went… well, it’s just about sex. Everyone knows that transgender people are obsessed with sex, to the point of even wanting those warts removed from their noses…

Grumbling and complaining is not worth much; after all, we didn’t make those rules. We just have to adapt ourselves and try to ‘fit in’ as much as we can. Now, I’m not a rebel in the sense of believing that the best form of changing society and its (stupid) rules is by overthrowing the social order — although I know several transgender people who fit into that label perfectly. Rather, I think it’s better to work ‘within the system’ and slowly establish certain rights mostly by setting an example for others (even cisgender people!) to follow. Cisgender women, of course, know exactly what I’m talking about: they know that if they want respect and acceptance from their male peers at work, they have to work harder and better than all of them (and therefore earning the fame of being ruthless, emotionally detached, and distant and aloof…). Males respect the toughest, meanest, hardest women out there — barely so — even though they do not apply the same demands on themselves. Men can be lazy and stupid and still earn the respect and admiration of other men, but women have no such privilege. And the same applies to transgender people as well: we need to be perfect angels, without the slightest hint of even having a ‘sexuality’ — we must be pure, asexual, living in the ivory towers of the most sacrosanct celibacy — and only then we might get a few cisgender people to ‘believe’ that ‘being trans’ is not ‘a sexual thing’.

Yeah, I know this pose will turn a few faces… but totally for the wrong reasons!

That way we can avoid stupid questions like ‘so, when did you start being trans?’ asked in the same tone as one cisgender person would ask another when they started attending group sex orgies. It’s not the same thing, but the mainstream population still thinks it is. In a way, and perhaps thanks to the efforts of the LGB crowd in the past decades, the cisgender heteronormative society is starting to accept that whatever happens in the privacy of your bedroom is the concern of nobody except you and your consenting partner(s). This is obviously not universally held, but there is a certain degree of more tolerance; and perhaps the way social sites have been mostly used for dating purposes — even if journalists, media pundits, computer experts, etc. vehemently claim the total opposite — has softened or mellowed the approach to sexuality. I don’t know, it’s just my perception — in a sense, the kind of comments I sometimes get (or got) on my videos and photos tended to show just that, i.e. that people are ‘fine’ that I get sexual pleasure from dressing as a woman. In other words, fetishism becomes acceptable, and people do not need to be so ‘ashamed’ of their fetishes and fantasies any longer. The question of ‘when did you become trans’ is not meant to be offensive, but rather an expression of curiosity, a certain degree of tolerance towards an ‘exotic fetish’ which may be incomprehensible for the common individual, but nevertheless they are more favourable to the whole concept of ‘transgenderity as a sexual fantasy’ and accept it more. While in Uganda people might resent ‘gay people recruiting others for their organisation’ (!!!), in the West, we start having less issues about that, because we’re slightly more open to sexuality.

So long, of course, that it remains outside the public arena. Electing a transgender person — a ‘sexual pervert’ — for office is still something which isvery confusing for many people. While homosexuals already get regularly elected to important offices — far, far below the actual percentage of non-heterosexuals in the overall population, but it’s a start — transgenderity is still too confusing for a general audience. Yes, it’s fine to have ‘strange tastes’, but ‘choosing to be transgender’ and chopping bits off your body and adding others is really ‘too radical’ for the mainstream population…

There is still a long, long way to go to make people understand that transgenderity has nothing to do with ‘sexual’ issues, but gender ones; and it’s equally hard to accept that transgender people, just like cisgender people, also have a healthy sexuality. But one thing has nothing to do with the other — and this is the hardest issue to explain to others. It’s far easier to get accepted for having a ‘strange and unusual fetish’ than to make people understand that transgender people have no ‘strange and unusual fetishes’ when they express their gender identity — although, of course, they may also have other ‘strange and unusual fetishes’, just like everybody else, because we are all humans, and we all have our sexual fantasies.

Even very open-minded people like my bisexual, polyamorous friend are slightly confused about the two issues (but to give him credit, he’s quite willing to learn more — most people simply make up their opinion and are impossible to convince otherwise). He does understand that there is a difference between ‘gender identity & presentation’ and ‘sexuality’. Nevertheless, he thinks that there is no coincidence that his transgender girlfriend is into very kinky stuff (as he so graphically puts it, without getting into details, of course — what he does with her is shrouded in their privacy!). In other words… he might accept that transgender people have, or had, gender issues; but he cannot deny that they’re awesome sexual partners, and that somehow the two things must be connected.

To be perfectly honest, I have often thought the same. While it’s quite clear that among the crossdresser and transgender communities there is an extraordinarily large amount of asexual individuals — or as close to asexual as possible, without any disrespect meant towards true asexual individuals! — there is also a much larger group that is into… ‘very kinky stuff’. In fact, I have seen some anti-transgender ‘studies’ (not peer-reviewed articles, of course) which deem to have established strong correlations between an above-average amount of hypersexuality, fetishism, and a high degree of sexual fantasies (with a lot of imagination!) among the crossdressing and transgender communities. While such ‘studies’ must always be questioned — some correlations are virtually worthless, such as the decrease of pirates linked to global warming 😉 — what matters here is the perception by the general public that such a correlation actually exists. And it’s certainly true for many cases; such as it is true for many cases of cisgender heterosexual people, of course. Some humans simply are more inclined towards one extreme, others to the opposite extreme, but the average guy is somewhere in the middle — and the same holds true for transgender people as well, of course.

Nevertheless, it’s the perception that counts. And because of that, I have made a difficult decision.

Build Kiss, and they will come

Originally, I have posted on my website links to all my pictures and videos. The idea was to attract more visitors to them — and to my site as well — thanks to the many searches made by people on Google and other search engines. There was some sort of ‘cross-marketing’ going on, if you wish: some people might be searching for ‘serious’ discussions about transgender issues and find my blog, but also find some of my videos or pictures amusing; while others, who are fans of those silly videos and photos, might have found my blog ‘by mistake’ and therefore also take an interest in the kind of things I write about. I have, in fact, found a few scattered cases where this actually happened. But here’s the problem: they’re just few. In fact, very few — a handful of exceptions to the norm!

So it became increasingly obvious that linking both things together wasn’t a good idea, after all. I know it’s ‘too late’ to unlink them. Also, in recent months, the plugins I used to retrieve the pictures from Picasa and post them here started to fail — thanks to the deliberate changes that Google is making all the time, until they finally break everything they did, and nothing works any more as it should (if you ever wondered why Google never really overtook Facebook and other social media, in spite of offering the same technology, now you know: the main reason is that Google keeps breaking stuff, and that means that developers get tired of always having to keep up with the constant and deliberate changes introduced by Google… anyway, I digress). On top of all that, I have a huge backlog of material that needs to be processed — almost half a year, in fact — and, mostly because my depression is getting much better and I’m able to work more and have less time free for ‘other things’, and because I’m also doing far more pictures and far more videos because I dress as a woman so more often than before… I cannot keep up easily with all that! What a perfect excuse, therefore, to deliberately introduce a dramatic change on my website!

From now on, I will have the links for my videos and pictures on a protected area of my website. And yes, that means that you need to be a registered user in order to see those images and movies on the website – although they will continue to be freely available (for now) elsewhere on YouTube, Picasa, Google Photos, Flickr, OneDrive, etc. (each of these sites has different ways of access and permission levels). And I won’t simply let anyone get registered; I will only accept my old acquaintances (and fans!) that have been patiently following me online for the past decade and half (or so). Of course you can ‘become’ a new fan/acquaintance, and that means looking me up on the many social websites out there where I’m registered and chat a bit with me. That’s all that is needed 🙂

Certainly there are more than enough images around here…

It’s possible that I might change my policies again in the future: I might, at some point in time, make all my images and movies completely inaccessible. Well, what I mean is that I will remove public access to them; but some people obviously have already made copies of them and uploaded them elsewhere (a friend of mine pointed out to one social site which has parts of one of my movies; and I’ve managed to track down that very same movie to another site…), so it’s not as if they will disappear ‘forever’ from the Internet: they will just be less visible. But I will nevertheless have proof of having created them in the first place and be able to track them down, one by one, and ask for their removal… even though I’m very well that this will take ages!

The point is just to make them harder to find; the smoking fetishist community, which is tiny anyway, knows very well where to find them, since they have been following me for quite a while. But those who do not understand the canons of smoking fetishism as an art form – one that involves a performance, a fantasy, which is just imaginary, not real – are always assuming that by publishing my images I’m showing my willingness to engage in sexual intercourse with anyone in the world. Over the years, this became wearing. It’s time to stop, or at least to start making some progress towards stopping that.

So, dear reader, if you have read to the end… welcome! You know that the changes will not affect you, and that you will continue to have these unthinkably long, endlessly boring essays to read — I won’t go anywhere, and I’ll see you again on the next article, where you’ll watch how deeply I’ll drag (no pun intended) you down the complexities of trans* taxonomy. Cheers and a kiss! 💋

Time for a conceptual change… For the past decade, I have struggled with my 'schizophrenic' Internet presence. On one hand, I have long ago started to blog about crossdressing and transgender/gender non-conforming issues, moving on to (allegedly) serious essays on those subjects.

[imbrogliostew]

Game of 2016: Path of Exile(?!): Questioning and analyzing video game addiction, also a review

Hey what’s going on, you’ll ask, Path of Exile isn’t a 2016 game!

Yeah, maybe for you, but about that...

Oh boy. I think all of that was 2016.

I’ll tell the truth, I haven’t played TF2 for a solid 4-5 years and it’s been on the top of my most played charts since I stopped playing. Like all games though, eventually I got tired of it and started played something else but I have not gotten any game beyond that mythical 291 hour mark. Europa Universalis 4, excellent game, but so far, only 194 hours. Dark Souls 1 and 2, I finished the game and made several builds at 150 hours. Skyrim? Not great, but addicting, and I broke free from its curse at 162 hours. Only recently, when I last checked, did another game take the place of My Most Played.

Path of Exile.

So, we are at the end of 2016 and instead of anything overtly political and depressing (go check my twitter for that!) I think I want to talk about this game instead. God knows we’ve had quite enough of that so far. And I also want to use the freeform essay format to properly sort out my feelings about being addicted to a video game, something I haven’t truly felt since my days of Ragnarok Online. So let’s go together to a journey of the mind. Journey of my own soul and have a deep heart-to-heart about video game addiction and game design and all that high-learnin’ cockadoo.

So what is Path of Exile?

If I have to put it in the crudest way, Path of Exile is a Diablo clone. More specifically, it’s a reaction to Diablo 3’s art and design direction, which more emphasized a cartoony, bright, and stylized look for the game (i.e. Warcraft-like), in which the overreaction was famously parodied in this Penny Arcade comic. In response, Grinding Gear Games, a New Zealand development company, created a game that plays like Diablo, but darker, edgier, bloodier, gorier.

If you’re like me, you’re rolling your eyes right now and saying “okay dude I’m gonna play a good game that’s not afraid to be bright and colorful like Sora no Kiseki” but hang on. Hear me out. Because even with this juvenile “like Diablo but DARKER” veneer this game has, it’s a genuinely good game. And, you know, it’s free, and that’s probably what pushed me to start this game out in the first place. But then after I started, what made me stick?

I am obsessed with customization

Have you ever looked at the passive tree for Path of Exile? I’ve talked to people who said that just looking at it intimidated them. I’m stupid and this is a video game, so I went in without any prior knowledge. Obviously, I fucked my build up because I thought like a sane person and said “well I’ll focus on powering this skill if I’m in close range but I’ll power this skill if I’m far away!” and both my skills are like the worst in the game. So, instead of being discouraged and play something else, since I’m a dog that loves punishments (oh baby) I rerolled a new character and got something workable by reading guides.

What’s my point here? This game is easy to fuck up because there’s so many ways you can build your character. Not all of them are in any way viable. But I like that. That’s fine. That’s the risk if there are also a ton of ways to make your character viable. You want a standard character that can’t take a ton of hits but absorb health by attacking them with your giant axe? Yeah sure. You want to build a character that has no health at all but immune to chaos damage while you let your minions do the hard work? Why not? You found some super rare gloves that reverse knockback effects so they come to you, so you’re going to make a build completely based on making yourself a magnet for enemies? Shit, you do you, fam. It might work, it might not, but making stupid theories and working out details on your builds is fun.

And because I am that insane enough about wanting to try new things even if it hurts me, but not insane enough to think it matters that I get hurt is why I am in love with this aspect of PoE.

For awhile, it is empty, easy grinding

In the lower difficulties (which you have to go through on ALL YOUR CHARACTERS btw) PoE is piss-easy. And because that section of the game does not require a lot of focus, I doze off, listen to a podcast or audiobook, and go on autopilot.

“Wow you don’t sound like you’re enjoying the game.” That’s not what that means. It means that due to my warped understanding of productivity, it’s a game that I can multitask with just fine. It’s the reason I was kind of into Guild Wars 2 a while ago, it’s easy, not a lot of thought, I can put my brainpower in something else as I grind the levels. I’m not a person that likes to sit still. Unlike a lot of people I am physically incapable of sitting down and watching a movie without pausing and taking a walk around or thinking of something (movie theaters are hell). Video games allow me to listen to Chapo Trap House, likewise when I am driving, eating, doing busy work, or otherwise any activity that doesn’t utilize a major part of my brainpower.

It might be no coincidence that I got into Path of Exile in 2016, when I’ve gotten the urge to listen to more audio-based media. That it was right after my dad died and I began to think a whole lot about money. About capitalism. Started to read, get information, and the dead empty-headed approach to video games like most MMOs and PoE appealed to that.

I doubt I could’ve gotten through all the books and podcasts I have without having something for my fingers and that part of my mind to do.

An interesting approach to multiplayer economies

Crafting in PoE is a piece of shit.

But it’s a piece of shit that’s expertly designed because GGG wants it to be shitty. Everything is in the mercy of the RNG, when you craft, so if you want to give your boots a little bit of boost to your mana, you don’t get to decide how much it gives. When you upgrade your common helmet with the item that gives it bonuses, you don’t get to decide what those bonuses are. As GGG further updates the game to give us more control over the crafting results, they never let the player get full control of it. They still give at least some portion of the process to RNG.

That shittiness makes the multiplayer aspect necessary.

Unlike another recently-released Diablo clone, Grim Dawn, PoE is designed from the ground up to be a multiplayer game, which can be seen in its drops. Grim Dawn’s rarest drops appear like candy compared to PoE, so you don’t really NEED to trade around to get the builds you want to run. PoE doesn’t get a lot of rare drops, and the majority of them have such randomized stats to make them utterly useless for your specific build. They might be good for someone else’s build, though, so you put it up for sale.

Here’s where it gets interesting: PoE does not have money in a traditional sense. There’s no gold item which only function is so you can purchase things. All currencies are crafting components. Items to randomize the bonuses of your gear. Items to add a random bonus to your equipment. Items to randomize the colors of your gem sockets, randomize the amount of the gem sockets, randomize the links between each socket, etc. etc. etc. These items are now your currency.

So you sell your item, you get some crafting currencies. You decide not to spend them and instead use them to make your own equipment. Etc. Rinse and repeat. The multiplayer is necessary if you want to play something other than self-found builds.

But this sort of multiplayer economy is symptomatic of any mercantilist system. Eventually, you’ll have a player or a guild that’s very successful and have the economic might to run and dictate prices of the market. How can anyone avoid that? Simple: by resetting the economies in temporary leagues. The temporary league is the game mode that anyone actually plays because it’s the one with the gimmicks. Every few months, a new temporary league is made, with a fresh economy, everyone starts from a new character, and your characters from the old league are transferred to standard. Nobody actually plays standard.

In summary: a well-designed and shitty crafting system that encourages player interaction and trading, along with an economy using actual items and barter as currency.

Still developing, still changing

I would not have written this last year--hell, I would not have written this piece six months ago! In 2016 alone, PoE has gotten two major expansions and I want to talk specifically about the second one from this September, Atlas of Worlds.

As much fun as I’m having making builds, figuring out viability of unique items, and looking at the stuff people are selling, the endgame for PoE is criminally dull and uninteresting. Your character has saved the world three times (once per difficulty level) and you get to finally reach the real endgame! How exciting! What is it? Why, you explore randomly-generated areas to get epic loot, of course! Make your character stronger, finish your build!

And quite honestly, this is where I usually stop every league.

This part of the game suffers from the same disease as Monster Hunters X, another excellent game, but one I couldn’t bear to finish. It’s that, even if the game itself is fun, I can’t get invested if there’s just no story attached to it.

Is that silly? Maybe. I loved Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate and played the main campaign to completion. I don’t doubt that if the main campaign lacked the thin veneer of story that it had, without the characters, the narrative, the stakes that each arc  put on the table, I would not have gotten far in the game either. That plot is important.

Atlas of Worlds fixes this problem. You explore the maps and an NPC tells you about the Atlas. You encounter a mysterious being that empowers the bosses. You then go on a quest to learn the mysterious goals and to take down this powerful creature and its four great servants.

That’s all it takes! A concrete, solid goal for your character to fight for. It doesn’t need an excellent plot (though it helps). If it’s fun, it will be played, but I do believe that shade of a story and progression is important. More importantly, it fixes this stale and dull endgame.

These expansions are free, by the way, and it will keep on developing. Act 5 of the main plot is being developed now, for example, and new content is forthcoming as well. I’m excited to see how this game will develop as time goes on.

Ok, the bad parts

So! Have the descriptions of my personal psychoses made you more curious about this game? Hang on there, because I’m about to dive into why this game isn’t perfect. Like not even close.

Holy shit leveling is boring.

I told you already about temporary leagues, right? And how leveling characters mindlessly is part of the joys of the game? Yeah, that might not be for everyone.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m lagging?

Not a game with the best online implementation, admittedly, and in a game that’s always constantly online, that’s a problem. That its graphics are mediocre and it can encounter graphical stutters is also an annoying minus towards its merits.

PoE exploded my computer

I’ve seen one--and only one--tell me their computer died because they tried playing PoE. I do not know how credible this is and I’m not sure I believe them.

Other parts/in summary

Path of Exile is a fantastic game and time sink. Not perfect, far from it, and I think though anyone can enjoy it, I think it takes a certain type of person to be utterly obsessive about it.

I’m certainly not the most obsessed. There’s a person in my friends list, who befriended me after we made a small party to beat a boss. They’re always online. Always. Constantly changing characters out of the fly. X is offline. X is online. X is offline. X is online. Even though I spend an unhealthy amount of time playing, and writing, about the game, there are others who are even more obsessed. Who are they?

Have you ever been addicted to an online game? To an MMO? I have. That game was Ragnarok Online when I was but a young teenager. It was an unhealthy obsession that uh…

Hmm…

No, actually, I can’t say that I regret it. But I do regret some stupid stuff I did while riding on that obsession.

See, that’s the thing about  it, I associate good feelings with the obsession, though I know it was objectively a bad thing. I still smile and want to cry when I listen to the theme of Prontera. The truth is, I enjoyed my addiction. Because the real world was honestly not really better.

Is it a coincidence that my addiction began when I moved to the USA? Probably not. I left my friends back in the home country and came here all friendless. I wasn’t quite able to talk or make friends in this strange new country with its alien nostalgia, its foreign cultures, and a language that I am kind of fluent in, but only because of my previous obsession with movies and video games. So I dove deep into the online world. Forums. RP. Video games. Particularly, Ragnarok Online.

I was probably lucky the server shut down when it did!

That was then, around 2005 to 2007 or so. Since then I was able to become more social, more used to life in the USA. Less dependent, perhaps, on video games.

Now, in the tail end of 2016 and the dawn of 2017, I am obsessed and finding myself spending a lot of time in another game. I don’t think it is the game itself. Depending on specific circumstances, I might find myself obsessing over another game. But I am obsessed with a game now, and what does it say about me?

What does it say about 2016?

Why did you write this?

Well, to make this article about me for a second, I have not been properly writing these days. I used to be a bit prolific with short stories but the daily grind of life, work, and clinical depression have smoothened out the parts of my brain that get excited about fiction. Not completely, but enough. I still have things I want to talk about though, and I am compelled to write something down, so I decided to talk about my discovery of PoE beating my TF2 numbers.

Anything is worth writing about, you know, and a game review is no exception, even if it is a few years old.

And also, I haven’t been playing a lot of games, you know? And the games that I hoped would be GotY just turned out to be... Not flops, but just good or ok. Stellaris, Hearts of Iron 4, SMT4 Apocalypse, Dark Souls 3. Either that or I’ve gotten old and cynical. Or maybe since these games are involving and take a long time, I’ve just lost the time to spend a lot of time focusing my whole brainpower on them. So I just wrote about Path of Exile.

It just wasn’t a great year in general, huh?

But that’s my piece. As I try to escape life I find myself delving deeper into the systems in my head that make me like what I like. 2017 will not be a good year, not by any stretch. But we will all get through this together.