#i was supposed to be getting better from trauma

[furiousgoldfish]

When you grow up having the worst possible things happening to you around every corner, you can't just keep living your life without expecting the worst.

This isn't even paranoia, it's learning by experience. You can't just start expecting nice and safe and kind things to be put in your way, if they never were, it would not be backed up by any real-life experience you had. It would feel like you're dreaming if you suddenly expect your life to change completely and contain different events from anything you've experienced before. We don't work like that. We learn from experience. We can only predict what's ahead by looking at what's behind us, our collective experience on earth is the only pointer we have to what else we can expect to happen.

If you often told that your expectations are twisted, or that you're just looking for the worst in people, or assuming everyone has bad intentions, that's not something you should be blamed for. After suffering abuse and mistreatment, you have to be on the lookout for these things to prevent the worst and to save your life. You cannot afford to get trapped in abuse again, you have to look at every person and ask yourself, what is the worst they're capable of. What would they do if they had the complete power over me. And you have to work with that, make sure it doesn't get to it, as much as it's in your power to do so.

Abuse victims have to go above and beyond to keep themselves safe, because we get targeted. It's not something we want to do, or something we do to make our own lives difficult. We don't enjoy it. We want to be safe. We want to let our guard down. We want to relax and believe we're surrounded by people who wouldn't harm us. But, if we're wrong, the consequences can be disastrous. And getting abused by someone we trusted was safe for us, that is not something we can survive endless times in life.

[rin-hanarin]

Some salt about Lucanis again, don't mind me, apparently it's my second favorite topic now, right after how much I liked what was there.

Honestly explaining Lucanis's lackluster romance with demisexuality rather than plain and honest underdevelopment makes it even worse, because when does he even develop any sort of connection with Rook on screen if you happen to want to switch the party around sometimes, don't constantly take him with you everywhere and don't use the power of ✨ imagination ✨ to fill the gaps? During one and only coffee scene? Does being demi entail ignoring the person expressing even platonic interest in you, then flirting with someone else in hopes they go away? Do you just go from 0 to 100 when it suddenly clicks that you like someone the way Lucanis seemingly does in his romance, because his relationship with Rook or lack thereof is never mentioned? Does "developing an emotional connection" translates to "You do favours for the person and solve their problems until they cave in and open up to you"? What trauma are we talking about if it's addressed in one (1) quest with a Fade sequence like 30 to 40 hours into the game without being talked about previously?

Just say "We fucked it up and it doesn't have enough content", man.

[moldy-flowers]

The interesting experience of being pro Sasuke, anti konoha, pro tobirama, anti Naruto ending, pro Sasusaku, anti Itachi, pro Sakura, anti SasuNaru, pro Tobirama×Izuna, anti Madara, pro karin, anti Orochimaru, pro Uchiha and anti Hashirama. And also as much as I hate the guy danzo was kind of hot when he was younger...

[aeriondripflame]

my mind has been developing this delusion world in which tywin lannister was the mad king’s sugar baby. aerys was “vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for flatterers and lickspittles” (awoiaf p.190). upon becoming king, he fired his father’s older and wiser hand and named tywin in his place, making tywin the youngest hand in the entire history of the seven kingdoms, but how did we get there?

there were childhood friends. tywin served as a page in court and we know from genna that tywin mistrusted laughter due to hearing too many people laughing at his father. at this point in time, the lannisters were a laughingstock or at least tywin wholeheartedly believed this, so the subsequent friendship he makes with the crown prince thrusts him upwards in status and into higher scrutiny. tywin is the elder, but aerys is the prince. they spend years together with the established dynamic of aerys being the one with power and tywin (albeit his friend) his servant. it is only when tywin dares to step outside this master/servant dynamic aerys has cooked up, that they begin to fall apart.

they go to war together. aerys chooses tywin, a newly made knight, to knight him. this was the war of the ninepenny kings, he could have chosen gerold hightower. he could have chosen roger reyne, or any number of distinguished knights and commanders, but no he chose tywin who had likely just been knighted himself. for added context, during this war tywin’s father stayed at home with his mistress rather than taking to the battlefield. nearly a year later, aerys is crowned and tywin is named hand of the king. as hand of the king, tywin is allowed any expense, any decision, literally allowed to do anything he wants at aerys’ leave (up until their toxic breakup era).

something that always fascinated me within this was why after gaining power of his own merit and name does he make his father’s mistress do a walk of atonement? at first, i believed this to be a way to embarrass his father further from the grave and cement his notoriety. however, right after he forces the walk of atonement, aerys and tywin rule the kingdom from casterly rock for a year (awoiaf p.194). if we believe that tywin has a subconscious or conscious shame in regards to using aerys’ fondness for him (whether you want to see it romantically or not) for seize of power and political gain, the walk of atonement is so interesting as it is a public self-flagellation of a transactional relationship that he himself mirrors. it is after this very act that aerys holds court (and tywin) at casterly rock, the scene of the crime in a sense. here tywin is, like his fathers mistresses in the same very home, flattering and bootlicking the same man for money, influence, and power. it is only after this year in casterly rock where tywin is forced to reconcile with these similarities that their relationship dissolves.

in conclusion, tywin was playing sugar baby to aerys and their relationship soured when tywin decided he wished for power that was truly his own rather than through aerys.

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

The thing the people don’t tell you about re-parenting yourself/similar gambits is that for bitches of a particular temperament (it’s me I’m bitches) it sometimes makes you so so mad when it works. Sold all my baby dolls in a garage sale when I was eight not because I didn’t want to them anymore but because I thought I shouldn’t want them anymore, and now the only thing that had me sleeping like a rock after fortnight of hells is this elaborate LARP so I can convince my central nervous system that there is someone in charge who a) wants to take care of shit and b) can take care of shit.

RSD emotional hangover making you too agitated to sleep even though you’re intellectually aware the conflict is resolved? Not anymore with the power of making dairy-free chocolate milk and listening to ten minutes of Dune on audiobook while reading alongside on your e-reader before you pass the fuck out.

Like you would think cringing into the sun* would keep one even more awake than the vague background radiation of little-T traumas (which has actually reduced after five years of medication and psychology appointments), but I guess it is really about quantity over quality. Guess one big cringe is less impactful than the relief from convincing the quivering little toddler that’s been left in charge of the sleep lever in your brain to come out from under the desk and do their job by putting up a sort of flimsy curtain so they can no longer see the wall of painting symbolising your mild disconcerting experiences

And I reference temperament when I know that my annoyance is in fact also a huge part to do with socialisation, particularly being primed towards abnegation + a fundamental suspicion towards adults engaging with things culturally associated with Children and Childhood, both of which are things I challenge on principle consciously/intellectually. But knowing that it’s completely harmless, and like hey I could be doing meth or something, does not change the fact that when I mimic the running commentary I do with babysitting kids Just In My Head To Myself and immediately become head-nodding sleepy, I’m instantly like “oh we respond to this and not a haunting amount of melatonin? cool. yeah. sure.”

(*Of course none of this is cringe when other people do it, as they are allowed to experience Quirks and Vulnerabilities in peace because they are Not Me. That said, when I’m not venting on tumblr dot org I do generally avoid calling any of this stuff cringe bc I am aware that caveating with “This only applies to me because I’m Not Like Other Girls (I’m Worse)” often doesn’t actually make the other person feel assured you’re not judging them.)

[mer-se]

um today is so fucking weird

[tjerra14]

sometimes I really wish there was a mandatory emotional support and grief counselling training course at uni the way that "pour distilled coffee over some sugary pills and prescibe those to a fictional cow" galenics session was mandatory

[did-you-fall-for-a-shooting-star]

The last time I cried over missing my boyfriend was when I was drunk and 3 time zones away. Now Im sitting in my own bedroom, sober as can be, and I cant get him out of my damn head

[surfindead]

Wow what the fuck so glad im seeing my therapist tomorrow bc i had a nightmare and several ptsd flashbacks as i was waking up :) so happy this happened! :)

[topaziraphale]

dear god my last post is NOT getting the reception I thought it would butttt maybe that's on me I guess I didnt clarify a few things. and I messed up at the very end. oops. I'd be replying already if I didnt feel like I got run over by a truck for pulling an all nighter and then not napping🧍‍♂️

[mydr3aminvi0let]

i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

[hues3ra]

here’s the thing

[swampsorcerer]

feeling so much better. appreciating some parts of my transition i did not expect to, and it helps alleviate some of the discomfort of being misgendered quite often at work, but it isn’t getting to me too much (i think i was expecting this, so it hurts but I knew it would happen and i have ways of coping) and the shame i felt towards the parts of me that society made me hate, like how naturally hairy i am everywhere, that i had half a goatee on my chin even before T that i shaved constantly because my ex made fun of me for it, my macro clit that guys in high school laughed about after sleeping with me because it looked like I had a tiny dick or something, that now feels like parts of me that I love.

I don’t feel such hatred towards myself. I think in part it’s just helped me deconstruct what I thought I had to be to be desired and attractive, and accept them as part of myself, and something I want to embrace. And as my belly grows and i enjoy eating, seeing the hair on my stomach darken and thicken makes me smile, more at home in my body. and even with completely changing how I present and live my life I feel more attractive and desirable than ever, the shame lifted and finding joy in the parts of me deemed ugly, and being wanted and loved for it.

more than anything i feel whole for the first time in my life, not searching for something to fill that void and constant voice that something is inherently wrong with me quieted. the pieces snapped together and i feel able to fully be present in my body and life not consumed by thoughts of How Fuckable I Look.

[x31043]

I got my degree just for the paper so I could work within community that I can support thru having that stamp of approval so that everyone can just do the shit they would be doing anyway.

Therapy the way the system intends it is absolutely inhumane. Like, let me meet you for 60 minutes and then literally never follow up on any other aspect of your life.