#i was supposed to be getting better from trauma

[plainclothesdisaster]

Danny opens the door to his apartment to find one Jason Todd on his doormat, knuckles raised as if about to knock, tupperware in hand. Surprise surprise.

“Uh,” Jason lowers his hand. Maybe Danny should have let him actually knock- better to keep up appearances, like he couldn’t sense Jason anytime they’re within a three block radius of each other. But he’s tired- so goddamn tired- of this whole charade.

“What’s on the menu today?” He levels Jason with a look.

“Soup. Lentils. It’s, uh, high protein. Very healthy.”

Danny shouldn’t find Jason’s floundering so cute, knowing what he knows. But seeing as he didn’t ask for this (in fact, he explicitly asked for /not/ this), he thinks he’s allowed a little fun.

“Healthy, huh?”

Jason nods, and presents the container for him to take. Instead Danny swings the door wider.

“You might as well come in.”

//

Jason sits at the modest kitchen table as Danny sets a mug of warmed soup in front of him, then takes his own seat, another mug in hand.

He hasn’t actually been inside Danny’s apartment before, he’d always just left the meals outside his door. Bruce had been coy about sharing details on his top Watchtower engineer, but the breadcrumbs from the case files told enough of the story: Danny was just a kid barely out of college with a large dose of trauma and way too much responsibility. Bruce had also been clear on one thing: Danny didn’t want help.

That just meant Jason would have to get creative with how he helped him.

But now that he’s actually here, face to face with his most recent pet project, he’s not quite sure what to do. Danny just watches him, completely unmoving, except for his eyes that watch as Jason lifts an awkward spoonful of soup.

“So did Bruce put you up to this?”

Jason sputters over his spoon. “Bruce? Don’t know who you’re talking about. I just saw a neighbor in need, and I cook a lot anyway, so-“

“Sure. And you just happen to deliver only on days I’m not scheduled to be off planet? You’re not slick.”

Jason swallows. He sure does know Danny’s schedule and he sure doesn’t have a good excuse. Danny sighs.

“It’s okay. The food’s good. I’m just trying to figure out, well, why?”

“It was um, implied that Batman’s favorite Watchtower tech could use a home cooked meal or two.”

“He never knows when to leave it alone, huh.”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Then why you? Unless—ah. He must have made the connection to your whole… situation.”

“My what?”

“Okay. Um. So, you do know you died, right?”

Jason chokes on soup. Again.

“Is that a yes…?”

“Yeah,” he croaks, “Yeah I just— How the hell do you know?”

“Ah. Well. That’s a bit of a long story.”

Danny gives him a strained smile and Jason takes a measured breath, not trying very hard to mask his disappointment. He wants to ask for more- desperately- but he shouldn’t. He’s supposed to be helping Danny, not the other way around.

Then Danny takes a spoonful of soup. He leans back in his chair the moment he tastes it. “Goddammit that’s good.”

Jason flushes with pride before Danny pins him with a look that chills him to his toes. His heart races, and he feels for a moment like he’s a bug under a microscope, and he’s not so sure he hates it.

Yet it’s Danny’s crooked smile that follows that makes his heart race even faster.

“Okay. How much time do you have?”

DPxDC Mechanical Engineer Danny

Danny caught the attention of Batman while studying at Gotham University for his alternative energy projects. He’s hired right out of college to work on the Watchtower.

He shows absolutely no tell of his abilities till there’s a dire situation- Flash’s electric discharge messes with one of his projects in progress and the whole base would have lost air pressure if he hadn’t done a quick fix using telekinesis and ice.

Of course Batman notices.

Batman assumes the worst- he suspects Danny’s a rogue of some kind, someone who has infiltrated the Justice League with an ulterior motive. But he can’t just fire Danny now- he’s the only one who knows how the new Watchtower energy source works. Plus, he’s not letting Danny go anywhere until he’s figured out his true motives.

Cue Batman subtly testing Danny- tossing things at him to trigger inhuman fast reflexes, having him lift too-heavy machinery, setting up convenient opportunities to steal or snoop or otherwise be up to no good. Danny does take advantage but only once, to use a computer terminal with unlocked clearance. He didn’t plant any bugs that Barman could find, and he otherwise kept up his powerless civilian act perfectly.

Still, Batman’s not satisfied. He brings an infrasonic sound emitter to Danny’s lab one day, and that, of all things, is what gets Danny to break.

“I know what you’re doing,” Danny admits with a sigh, finally. “If you’re really that suspicious of me, I can leave, but I kinda like my job so I’d prefer not to. The benefits are insane compared to what’s standard.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure. yeah. How about you turn off the freaking noise generator and we can talk?”

“Hm.” Batman obliges, and he takes the stool next to Danny at his gesture.

“Number one, I’m not a meta. Despite all the data and conclusions you’ve probably drawn otherwise. Number two, I’m on your side. I’m here to work on the base, that’s it. I follow your rules to the letter.”

“The-“

“The classified files I looked at? Yeah that was the one exception. You already know what I looked at, I’m sure, but maybe you haven’t figured out why. It goes back to point one- I may not be a meta, but I am something that organization, the GIW, cares about. I looked at your files on them to sus out your relations. Seeing as I don’t particularly love being the victim to twelve degrees of human rights violations if I can avoid it.”

“Hm.” The Ghost Intelligence Ward was one of many government agencies that the Justice League hadn’t worked closely with. But they also hadn’t been flagged for Justice League investigation. Danny’s comments made him doubt that call.

“Any other questions?”

“If you’re not a meta, what are you?”

“I’m an engineer. A pretty decent one. And I’d really, really like it to stay that way.”

Batman considers, and ultimately lets him stay. He likes Danny (everyone likes Danny), and it would be a massive pain in the ass to replace him. He really is a good engineer.

It’s only much later that his faith in Danny is repaid in spades.

Batman finds Danny on the Watchtower command bridge. Alarms are blaring, the station has been knocked out of orbit, out the window there’s shrapnel floating everywhere as a space battle rages around them.

On the station it’s chaos. Technicians run around, shouts from the med bay, sparks from the walls.

Batman and Danny stand at the main controls, watching the battle outside, stoic, unmoving.

Wonder Woman’s harried voice crackles through on coms: “We need backup.”

“There is no more backup.” Batman replies, while looking pointedly at Danny.

“What?”

Batman doesn’t move.

“What.”

“The impact from Darkseid’s initial attack should have sent this station on a terminal trajectory toward the planet.”

“Well. We aren’t currently plummeting to our deaths, so turns out it didn’t do that.”

“You did something.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re lying.”

“Maybe Superman nudged us back on course in all the chaos.”

“I’ve been watching the trackers. No one else with the capability has come near the station.”

“Can’t you just be grateful we got lucky?”

Sounds of peril screech over the coms. Danny’s face scrunches.

“Luck had nothing to do with it. As it is now, we are going to lose this fight.”

“Isn’t there anyone else you can call?”

“I’m asking you. You can help, can’t you?”

The glare-off lasts a long moment more before Danny breaks.

“Fuck. Fuckity fuck.” Danny runs his hands through his hair. “Shit. You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“I’m asking you to save this and countless other worlds from a genocide. I’m also asking you to save my friends.”

Danny looks at him, hard, weary, and with a kind of deep resolve that feels far too ancient to be on the face of a supposed twenty-something.

“Fine. Fine. Okay.” He steps back and transforms. If Batman is surprised when he shakes off his human appearance like an old coat, he doesn’t show it. But what’s undeniable is the being in Danny’s place has the unmistakable presence of power.

“No one else can know.” His voice echoes in a way that’s sonically impossible, both sounding closer and further away than he should be.

He pulls a gear-shaped medallion seemingly out of thin air and puts it over his head in one motion.

“If I get in trouble for this, I’m blaming you.”

He vanishes. Outside, the shape of the battle changes instantly. The stars seem to glow brighter as the arms of the galaxy flash with the colors of the aurora. Then it’s like the void of space itself comes alive. It moves the spaceships back like they’re toys, plucking them from one side of the field to the other. It finds Darkseid at the heart of the chaos and massive arms of nothingness and darkness wrap around him. He’s screaming as it swallows him whole.

His armies scatter. The battle turns. The JL deal with the stragglers, but the air of relief is palpable.

Danny reappears next to Batman, once again donning his grease-stained coveralls. Arms folded.

“Happy?”

It took all of five minutes. Less, probably. Batman tamps down a thousand questions.

“Thank you.”

“I’m gonna need two weeks off minimum.” Danny snaps. “One to deal with the bureaucratic nightmare you’ve just caused me, and another to recover from the headache.”

Batman blanks. “Granted.”

Danny sighs. “And I’m not fixing the station until I’m back. It won’t fall out of the sky as is. Make up whatever excuse you want.”

“Done.” He considers. “I would prefer to tell them the truth. That you saved us.”

Danny glares. “I’m not supposed to save you. I made a pact not to use my power to influence the mortal realm.”

“A pact with who?”

Danny rolls his eyes. “The embodiment of Time. The concept of Justice. Among others.” He smirks at Batman’s confusion.

“And what, exactly, does that make you?”

He stands, framed by the space window, haloed by the stars. “I’ll give you three guesses.”

Batman frowns.

“Look. I like you guys. I like working on your base. I like supporting the work you do. But you can not go factoring me in to any of your plans or contingencies. This was a one time thing.

“So to answer your question again: I’m an engineer.”

[valenteal]

The story of Anakin Skywalker is about how anyone can break under enough pressure. It isn’t a tragedy about an inevitable doom, it isn’t about how power corrupts or about how caring is dangerous. It’s about how no matter how good and kind and selfless and seemingly invincible someone is they still have needs and they can still be hurt.

Maybe this is because Phantom Menace is my favorite Star Wars movie and so I have rewatched it a million times, but for me Anakin is the most genuinely caring and selfless character in Star Wars. He wasn’t just an innocent kid (kids can be cruel and selfish and they’re usually better when they grow up not worse) he was compassionate and kind and despite growing up surrounded by some of the worst scum in the galaxy he knew nothing of greed. That says so much about his character.

Anakin’s fall to the dark side took over a decade of carful manipulation that culminated in cascade of tragedy and loss. It wasn’t an accident. Every bit of the emotional trauma, physical trauma, and mental trauma from the moment Anakin met Palpatine and on ward was planned. We don’t see the decade he spent between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones but immediately in the second movie we see how much Anakin has changed. Where he used to be confident he’s insecure, where he used to bold and fearless he is now arrogant, where he was once inquisitive he is now cautiously enthusiastic, where he used to build he now destroys. Every change in his behavior and outlook is the result of either the teachings of the Jedi Order which are pretty much the antithesis of his entire personality, the result of Sidious’s manipulation, or the result of the toxic attitudes of many Jedi towards him.

Now I know a lot of people have… misconceptions about what the Jedi Order is and what they stand for. It’s understandable, since I guess a lot of people think of Luke as an everything a Jedi is supposed to be but he is NOT, he wasn’t even taught their philosophy! Yoda and Windu and Luminara are everything a Jedi is meant to be. They take an impersonal approach to justice, they treat others coldly, they believe themselves to be above petty things like emotion and pain and human connection. There are Jedi who take a more progressive stance like Obi-Wan and Quinlan and Qui-Gon but you have to understand that they are not model Jedi and have their own struggles with the Order and its teachings. The Jedi code literally says “There is no emotion.” That is what Jedi strive for. And that isn’t even getting into the genocide or the politics. Focusing on how this affected Anakin. That’s what I’m doing.

Anyway, Anakin is a deeply emotional person. This is not a bad thing. It’s the source of his conviction and his empathy (which a surprising amount of Jedi lack). Anakin feels deeply, so he feels love and anger and sadness more keenly than Jedi who have worked their whole lives to shut off emotion. And he was never taught how to deal with it. The most the Jedi did was tell him to meditate, release his emotions into the Force, focus on the present or other platitudes that do not help! I would know. I’m also a deeply emotional person who feels things very keenly to the point where I had a full psychological evaluation when I was 6 years old. When a person deals with this it NEEDS to be addressed. I have wonderful parents who did everything in their power to help me from a young age and I still ended up suicidal! Anakin did not get help and was instead shamed for feeling so strongly and he ended up bottling it up. People complain about how he was “whiny” and I (a person who has also been called whiny) just go what the fuck do you expect?? Expressing his frustration verbally is literally the healthiest option he has! And we know what it looks like when he chooses other forms of venting! Anakin vented to Padmé almost immediately after reconnecting with her because she is literally the only person in his life who will listen to him (other than Sidious but he makes things worse on purpose).

So yeah. Sensitive people need to be taught how to deal with their emotions in healthy ways. Really everyone does but especially people with strong emotions.

But when Anakin isn’t overwhelmed by emotions he doesn’t have the tools to deal with, or surrounded by toxic people, or being actively manipulated by an evil dictator, that’s when you see who he really is. Which means pretty much all of Phantom Menace, a good chunk of the time he’s alone with Padmé, and… nothing else really. (I’m just going to say here that I am not including Clone Wars Anakin due to the purposeful butchering of his character. I still consider the show canon in everything but Anakin’s characterization in a lot of specific instances.)

Anakin has never been a selfish person. The things people perceive as selfish are his needs. He needs unconditional love. He needs Padmé because she is the only person who gives him that. Even without getting into his psychology and bpd and what a splitting episode is, it isn’t hard to recognize that when he places Padmé’s safety above other people’s it’s an act of self preservation more than self interest. He knows that he would literally go crazy without her. After years of being systematically isolated and traumatized she is the only thing keeping him together. In his desperation to save her and consequently his own sanity he lost both those things. But it’s important to note that he tried to do things right, that he went to Yoda for help, that he told Padmé so she could take her own steps to ensure her health. He did everything he could think of before getting desperate enough to go to Sidious. Not to mention he did everything right after discovering Sidious’s identity. It wasn’t until he was presented with a false dichotomy that boiled down to choosing his mentor and confidant of over a decade and his wife’s life or the man who has scored and distrusted him since he was child that he made the objectively wrong choice. And that was after not sleeping for weeks and having a traumatizing realization that triggered a splitting episode so he wasn’t in a head space to understand what was going on in an objective way.

So yeah. That’s my rant about Anakin Skywalker. If you want to comment or debate know that I will reply with an explanation of my thoughts that could be just as long as this post and that I will not stop until you do. You will not get the last word. I feel very strongly about this and if you’ve gotten this far you have to know that I have thought very deeply about this as well. I have heard every argument. You will not change my mind. I have done research. Engaging with this post to disagree will only lead to me expanding on this even more because this is really a brief summary of all my thoughts and feelings on the matter. If you’re just curious about the rest of my thoughts and feelings just ask.

Don’t try to attack my own morals and character because of this, I am NOT condoning Anakin’s actions or behavior, I am completely aware that he is a deeply damaged and unstable person. The point of this is not to deny that but to explain why Anakin is not naturally like that. The scariest thing about Anakin’s fall is that it happened to Anakin, a paragon of compassion and selflessness. Anyone put under the amount of pressure he was would go crazy. I doubt many people would last as long as Anakin did. He was insanely strong to resist for as long as he did.

[ask-postcrash-curly]

fine!

“I don’t need trauma therapy from death itself”

yes, yes you do, and as a omnipotent, all knowing, omnipresent being, i am fully capable of offering such things, if only to define abuse. i hope not to bring distress, im not here for that. im here for solace.

abuse is defined as knowingly causing harm or distress. let’s use for an example the moments leading up to that one thing that happened. (it’s hard to talk about because it needs to be talked about.) your heart is beating louder and faster than it ever has. i heard it. you reach him after the walk (or light sprint, if we’re being real) from medical, and he’s already in a defensive state. his arms crossed, his back to the wall, and when given the opportunity to talk, he goes after you, your dignity, your leadership, he’s bashing you, basically. he silences you, what can you say? you can’t. you stand there in a state of freeze. (as in fight, flight, that shit. if i’m a therapist, we’re busting out the therapy talk.) it’s almost as if you leave your body, just until he stops. just until you know you’re safe. you don’t know if he’ll get physical, no way to know he won’t.

aaand then he’s gone, he’s walked into the cockpit, and you’re hyperventilating. your heart hurts from the way it’s been beating.

i won’t go further than that.

that is abuse, bud. and even by that one interaction, you can tell it’s not the first time that happened. if he’s fine treating you the way he is now, he must be comfortable with it already.

i only wish i could deliver comfort. i physically don’t exist, and yet i do, so let my hand on your head not hurt you, but keep company.

it’s fine. there’s nothing we can actively do right now, the only thing you can do is try to keep yourself not miserable.

the people care, mr curls. stop being a sad little capitalist and take a mental walk, and take these songs. they’re nice.

- 🖤

Wh— Of course I was panicking! I didn’t know how he would react! Obviously not well! It— it was just words. He didn’t so much as insult me. l could have talked back. I should have talked back. I wasn’t in danger, yet. And even if I were, I’m the captain. It’s my job to face the danger before it can reach the rest of them. I wasn’t unsafe. Even if he had gotten physical about it, so what? We’re evenly matched. If anything, I’m stronger. I had nothing to be afraid of except what he would do if I left him leave. (And I did.) I wanted the conversation to end because he was telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Not because he was— No, you’re wrong. It was words. All just words.

I’m not good with confrontation, that’s all. I way upset about Anya and worried how he’d react. That’s the only reason why I— And that was barely a confrontation anyway. He didn’t raise his voice. He was so calm by the end of it.

…

It can’t be abuse. It’s just words. He didn’t even yell, so how could that be abuse? Hell, that’s nowhere near the worst thing he’s said to me. …No. No, he never did anything like this before— It wasn’t— I could fight back before. It wasn’t the same as this. I never expected he’d hurt me like this. He was good at hiding how he felt about me. He got insecure sometimes, yeah? Got angry if he felt abandoned. If I said something too out of line. He never just— I never thought he liked seeing me hurt for the sake of it until he hit me when he knew I was in pain to begin with and he knew I couldn’t stop him. Wouldn’t have minded if I could have stopped him.

…Thanks.

“Not miserable.” Hah. Best I can do most of the time is “not actively suicidal.”

I don’t mean to. I never wanted to stay on this path. I figured I’d be happy as long as I got to fly. Just a few short hauls, then onto bigger and better. Real work. I was up here. That was supposed to be enough for a while. Space seemed endless back then. Now it’s empty. Makes me empty too. Whenever I’m on Earth it’s moved on without me in a million impossibly fast ways. I felt like I was losing my mind sometimes. As if no one else noticed or cared that my life is slipping by. As if they thought this job meant something real. I’m no capitalist. I know exactly how fucking little it matters. And that I know matters even less.

The people care. What is there left of me to care about? I’m not talking about what’s outside.

You’re right. I— I need to get out of my own thoughts.

…

They’re nice. Thanks. Sorry I don’t have specific things to say. I can’t… put the words together. But I mean it. Feeling a little better now.

Don’t like the last one much though.

[johannestevans]

genuinely don't understand many other self-published fiction people's approach to marketing, which seems to take its cues from like. people who sell self-help books, or like. fucking do drop shipping

your goal is to find the people who like work like yours and connect them with it.

i think it's really difficult for people to envisage this because they're just poisoned by commercialism & capitalism as exists today, where every company is basically trying to strongarm, manipulate, and trick every single person in the world into buying their product

it's not just stupid and impossible from a marketing perspective, even for whatever garbage they might be shilling, but it's particularly misguided to do for a piece of fucking art or entertainment

and part of it i suppose is just like. a lack of identity but also a desperate fear of rejection

in order to meaningfully think about who will like, love, identify with, crave, and otherwise want to engage with your work, you have to meaningfully think about the people who won't

and that's scary bc a lot of people want to be vulnerable by creating art but don't want to be perceived or judged

and certainly don't want to be rejected, or receive negative reviews, or have people say "egh, it's not my thing", as if that's going to be the immediate death knell on their career

but it's just like. the thing of "i must try to make everyone in the world buy my book" will lead to MORE rejection

idk man. who are you? what's your work, like, about, at the core of it? what are the problems in it? what's the pathos, the core tragedy or core comedy, the meaning? what makes it entertaining? what makes it fun, or miserable, or horrifying? why did you write it? that's why people will read it

what's funny is that i talk to straight people all the time who can't do this, and they think that the way i do it is just by being like. hey boys, i'm a homosexual crippled jew, and my work is about that. and then i sell my books to my fellow disabled gay jews and such

which, sure, a bit

but what my work is actually about is like. trauma and trauma recovery. making peace with the many limits of your body and your relationships, and the limitations placed on you by your scars or your circumstances. fucked up monster sex, which is itself radical acceptance of the horror of our bodies

a lot of gayjew cripples and trans folk identify with that shit because… you know. of fucking course

but a lot of other people do as well, my work is in many ways informed by my identity, but the core themes aren't

many people DON'T like my work bc it's not plotted or structured traditionally

"what was the point?" many disappointed readers ask. "there's no actual STORY here," many complain. "nothing happens," many understandably grumble.

any jew or homosexual will tell you - there's no story. there's just suffering, and then you try to make it better, and then there's more suffering.

but you try to make it better, and it gets a bit better. you take your painkillers, you put balm on the wound. you fall down - maybe someone pushes you down. doesn't matter. get up again.

and for a lot of people, that's fucking dull as shit. where's the adventure? where's the fucking stakes?

and that's fine. there's plenty of books written for those people, they're just not written by me. i'm too busy doing my thing. and what i'm also too busy doing is selling my work to people who actually WANT it, rather than trying to trick people into buying it who won't.

part of the horror of meaningfully looking at your work and going, "okay, who is this for, and who is it NOT for?" is like. not just accepting your limitations, but also having genuine faith in your work. some people won't like it, but some people will fucking adore it. and you have to lean into it

and mostly stop paying for fucking facebook ads. jesus wept. what's wrong with you.

[nestaians]

rhysand mother is so questionable

rhysand said it was his mother who designed feyre’s dresses,, either he is lying or his mother for real made really revealing, lewd dresses for her future daughter in law

having read the descriptions of those dresses and seen arts of them, like there’s no way

was rhysand’s mother dressing up like that too? bc as far as we know and emerie, illyrian women don’t dress up like that

like why did she make them so revealing?

she decided the whole wardrobe for her future daughter in law, what if her future daughter in law didn’t dress like that?

rhysand got lucky with feyre who had no sense of her own style

what if her son was gay?

how did she get the size and height right? maybe it was readjusted to feyre ig

giving her ring to the weaver for future daughter in law to go risk her life and get her own engagement ring for herself? is this a boy mom behavior?

like what if her son’s love died? what if she was his son’s mate and died? what if her son’s love wasn’t a fighter? why did she think it was a good idea? wtf

the fact rhysand actually makes feyre, who has simply learned the basics, do it and it’s brushed off by everyone in ic and by fans like??

man can’t even give his mate her engagement ring. he makes her do it, what a loser

feyre didn’t know but i would have asked what the fuck i’m doing all this for and what’s in the box

if i got told it’s for a ring, all for a fucking ring, i’m working my ass for by going in an unknown area to go against god knows what kind of a creature and can die, i’d beat rhysand’s ass instead. i don’t need more trauma

what’s with bat boys sending their mates, who aren’t fighters and on recovery journey from shit loads of trauma, who the bats are suppose to be protective over as mates, on death missions?

azriel the bar is in hell, deep hell but u better watch yourself

makes sense if rhysand has never had a relationship in his 500yrs of existence before feyre. if i had a boy mom like that around i wouldn’t want to go anywhere near her son either

worth mentioning rhysand’s mother put rhysand in the war camps to train when he was still a child. i think it said rhysand’s father let her do it, so it was her who wanted to put rhysand in training in illyria

and she did nothing when she saw azriel beaten up. it was her son and his friend, cassian who beat azriel up. cassian literally says he would seek azriel out to beat him up. it wasn’t a one time thing btw

i think rhysand’s mother knew azriel’s mother?

[wendylianmartin]

There is something I realized about the story that I wanted to touch on. Kappa and Siren both seem to have given up on their dream, and they just keep going for each other. They are not living for themselves, but for someone else, which is not healthy at all…and I love it. Seriously, I love it so much. It's funny, because I tend to despise that dynamic when I see it in stories, because I don't like how it tends to idealize that kind of relationship. But in Castle Swimmer, not only do I prefer it that way, I wouldn't want it any other way. Sure, it's unhealthy and not ideal, but that's the thing… Siren and Kappa are neither healthy nor ideal.

These two boys have both been through so much in their lives, they have been through so much trauma, they have dealt with so many emotions that it has affected them deeply. It makes sense that their past would prevent them from having enough self-esteem to live for themselves right now. It's not something you can just wipe away after a motivational speech.

The way Siren and Kappa are acting is not healthy, is not something I wish for them in the long run. But it makes SENSE that they can't do otherwise. Sure, Kappa is growing right now, but his recent growth still won't erase the effects of 20 years of trauma and neglect. The same goes for Siren. There is something Kappa says to Siren in one chapter that perfectly illustrates this fact:

"Think about everything you've been through since we met. The scar from your mother, the creatures in the god's mouth, dying and being brought back to life. It makes sense that you're having a hard time, it would be weird if you weren't."

I think nowadays we're used to characters having a Shonen-like character arc that makes them evolve and immediately get rid of all their problems. But realistically, it's not that easy. People have to deal with the state they're in for a while before they can really get over it. That's what the story has shown us, that things don't get solved with one miraculous solution like the beacon and the prophecy, learning to say no, finding dad, and so on. That's why it felt not only right, but natural for them to live for each other, no matter how unhealthy it is : Of course they can't live for themselves right now. It's not healthy, but it's realistic. And I'm rooting for it, not because I want the bois to keep living for someone else instead of themselves, but because I'm happy that the bois have a motivation to keep going despite everything they're dealing with right now.

I'm confident that they're going to get better. I'm confident that they will reach a point where they can finally live for themselves and not just for someone else. But that moment is not coming right now, and that's okay. They're allowed to be in a bad state and do the best they can with what they have. As Neth said, "bad motivation is better than no motivation at all."

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the Shonen-like arcs of the characters. And I'm proud of the growth our babies have already made, their progress and everything, I really hope to see more of it! But through this approach, I think CS is conveying a message that's not so common in stories, but really deep and important: growth takes time, it's okay if we're not our ideal selves right away. We're allowed to be unhealthy, to deal with it as we can, as long as we're still here and still doing our best. And maybe sometimes it is best to focus on living with our burdens and our mistakes with the limited tools we have. For NOW, the ideal self can wait.

(God, I LOVE this story so much…)

Thank you for the thoughtful analysis! I’m happy my goals with the story and characters are coming through.

I’ve experienced this myself- how our strongest motivations are not always the healthiest ones. I think it’s interesting to explore that in the characters. There was a reason Siren’s mental health took a nose dive after he accomplished his goal of finding kappa. (Which wasn’t even supposed to be his goal In the first place lol) I relate to him a lot in that struggle.

I could see it being frustrating when the characters struggle with the same problems and seem to regress but it feels more faithful to the themes of the story in that way.

Mental health itself is kind of a broad, deep topic and I know I don’t explore it perfectly but I’m happy with how the story has progressed so far 👍

[riseriseleo]

something i love abt natsume yuujinchou:

how it deals with natsume's trauma.

it doesn't brush it aside and ignore it, but it also doesn't throw it in your face and repeat the exact same scene every time (cough atsushi bsd there are ways to show trauma and it works ig but it's so. in your face. we don't need the exact same thing every time).

which is part of where natsume shines, i think. it shows natsume's journey, from a shy, closed off boy who trusts no one, not even himself, to someone who lets people in, despite the hardships and fear it brings him. now bear in mind i've not finished with the anime, nor have i read the manga, though i have it loaded and ready to read.

i'm smack in the middle of his healing process, and seeing how tanuma and taki refuse to let him be - how kitamoto and nishimura continue to seek him out - how natori so clearly latched onto him and wishes to keep him safe - it's just... heartwarming. natsume is finally in a place where he can heal and learn to live as a person, not as a ghost, with people who choose him and who he chooses back. and he recognizes that, and he makes an effort to shed his mask, even though it takes time and there are setbacks.

it's a show about healing, and trust, and people, and how though you may not realize it, no matter the oddities you may have, you will eventually find the people that love you despite - or because - of those unique quirks.

...and comparing natsume's flashbacks to atsushi's, while both are to show how beaten down they've been in the past and supposed to help with the story, showing how they overcome their troubles - atsushi always has the one flashback of the headmaster, and it gets tiring, while natsume is shown at multiple points in time with different people. the manga definitely does atsushi better, or so i've heard, but there are plenty of anime only fans that tire of it. don't get me wrong, i love them both, but there's just something natsume does better about it.

[tuliptiger]

Bro I hate Silco so much. Bro. And don't get it twisted right. He's a good character, he's well written or in THE VERY LEAST incredibly interesting and compelling. To me I guess. I still can't stand him, I hate him and I think he embodies every human flaw a person can have. And every bad decision we make at our lowest points.

And for that I can't stand him in the purest way and I think that's kind of awesome. Get him out of my face though lol fuck that guy. Great presentation of what I feel a lot of people in the world are like or have the potential to be like rn.

For what he was meant to be, having just found out the original plan for him which I really shouldn't consider. Or maybe I should in favor of him, as a little grace for him. I guess Jinx and him were supposed to be like romantic. If that's your thing go for it I guess but I'm not going to talk nicely about it and it disgusts me as a heads up. Fair warning.

I'm forever grateful they didn't pull a Joker/Harley Quinn but because jesus christ I think I actually would've hated Arcane for that. For all you people complaining about Arcane, sure that's your right and it's all personal tastes anyway but it could've been actually, sincerely awful. It would've ruined Jinx as a character and undercut all of her nuance, her autonomy as a real, deeply thought out character. Her struggles, her mental health, her trauma, it would've fucking sucked.

I hate Silco for even the possibility of that and unfortunately i think it explains a little bit about some things. But anyway, back to hating Silco.

1.) He betrayed every single thing he's ever cared about in his life. He betrayed Felicia by trying to and knowingly kill her children. He betrayed the promise he made to not JUST Vander but to Felicia and himself.

Because what? Vander betrayed him first? Because he tried to kill him? Because he probably does feel genuine regret about maybe enacting the event that got Felicia killed? We never get the story but I think it's implied. Either that or Vander really was just deep in grief and rage and put that on Silco. I think they both fucked up for the record but Vander didn't CONTINUE that for the rest of his life.

What did any of that have to do with Vi and Powder/Jinx though? He's the reason everything bad happened, maybe you could blame Viktor since he went back to give Jayce the rune but every bad moment after that is almost exclusively Silco.

2.) He bribed Marcus contributing to the corruption in Piltover and Zaun. He fed drugs to Zaun for the point of nothing in my opinion. Because he couldn't come to terms with his grief, he couldn't make Piltover pay the way he wanted them too? He justified his own terrible actions for some idea of an independent Zaun for what? For who? Piltover may have taken from him but he actively chose to burn whatever he had left by trying to kill Powder and Vi.

3.) He's the reason Vi and her crew lost their loot, and their lives NOT Powder. He's the reason or at least the means for Singed to create more fucked up abominations and shimmer.

4.) He IS A HUGE SOFTIE he's soft as fuck. He loves and he loves deeply but he could never get over himself to do better. And this is possibly the main reason I hate him, he sincerely loved Vander and Jinx and Felicia and Zaun. People get hurt all the time, and it isn't the same as the trauma he faced but I DON'T think a reasonable series of decisions is to betray everything you are and have worked for to fuck over literally everyone around you. He is the scorched earth method, he wanted to hurt everyone and everything for what he felt and experienced. He's so incredibly selfish I cannot stand him.

5. A close contender, maybe even tied because I love Jinx so much. I hate that he is directly related to all of the hurt Vi and Jinx have experienced. I hate, I loath, I detest what he did to Powder and to Jinx. I feel so fed with season 2 episode 7, we DIRECTLY see what happens when Silco doesn't decide every day to hurt the world around him and hurt everyone in it. What happens to Powder without his fucked up influence.

I never thought anyone made Jinx specifically, like there isn't someone to blame because it felt diminishing to Jinx herself. But I'm rethinking it, I would say with certainty Jinx wouldn't have existed without Silco. I don't give him full credit, not in the creation of her and not her herself but the REASON she was reborn into a different person. Powder and Jinx created Jinx, but she created her because she had to, because Silco brought her into a fucked up world where she had to be different to survive.

Silco didn't support her, he enabled her, made her fear the world, fed her insecurities and projected himself into her. And because he does love, he really really did love her I think, that was what she felt she needed as a TWELVE year old girl. She needed a guardian who had her best interest at heart and not just love. Whatever support she had before, he ripped it from her and shredded it, and from that pile of rubble and ash Jinx had to find herself and emerge. But she picked herself up and chiseled herself into who she is in the series not Silco.

She's smart as a whip, she's so incredibly clever. She knew to some extent the reality of what was happening. But reality didn't have any real gravity anymore for her without something to hold her to it. Silco, at any time, could have stopped what he was doing. He could've seen her hurting and said, this isn't it. This isn't worth it. But he didn't, and she didn't need a reason to change because she had someone who fed her love when she had no one. When she thought it was all her fault and where Silco tried to convince her Vander and Vi weren't good people and that they didn't love her, won't love her.

I could go on, I fucking hate Silco. Once again, I think he's the weakest character emotionally and mentally but certainly not writing wise. He's spineless, he can kill sure, but in the main universe he couldn't get over his own feelings of guilt and hurt to do better. Nobody is satisfied with the slow progression of equity, of freedoms and peace. Silco wanted to take it all violently, take it all and take everything around it down with him.

In another universe, he's better. He makes better decisions because a different set of events led to reconciliation between Vander and him. Because Piltover made the first move of peace after Vi had to be sacrificed. Because Marcus saw a dead Zaun child in the arms of her younger sister. Because a lot of things, Silco is a better man and I think he's stronger for it.

The main universe Silco was wrong about everything he did, he made every possible bad decision on purpose over and over and over again.

The fact that I just wrote what feels like an essay on this bastard should at least show how I hate him, in the way I don't like hate hate him. I hate him in the way good art makes you hate it in just the right way. I think he's interesting enough to think about. I don't hate the alt universe Silco, I just hate the main one. He's multifaceted, he's a villain, he just kind of sucks, he moved the story in permanent ways. He forever changed the world by facilitating the events that led to Jinx as a person in Runeterra.

Anyway Yeah I really really hate Silco. Thanks for reading lol If you have some good points or different interpretations of events with Silco I would genuinely love to read them especially if they are different. I'm the first to admit I don't fully understand all the subtleties in Arcane and I love it for that, but I miss things. Changing my view on what actually happened in scenes is one of my favorite things to do right now. I crave the richer and fuller offering of a closely inspected Arcane provides tbh.

[furiousgoldfish]

When you grow up having the worst possible things happening to you around every corner, you can't just keep living your life without expecting the worst.

This isn't even paranoia, it's learning by experience. You can't just start expecting nice and safe and kind things to be put in your way, if they never were, it would not be backed up by any real-life experience you had. It would feel like you're dreaming if you suddenly expect your life to change completely and contain different events from anything you've experienced before. We don't work like that. We learn from experience. We can only predict what's ahead by looking at what's behind us, our collective experience on earth is the only pointer we have to what else we can expect to happen.

If you often told that your expectations are twisted, or that you're just looking for the worst in people, or assuming everyone has bad intentions, that's not something you should be blamed for. After suffering abuse and mistreatment, you have to be on the lookout for these things to prevent the worst and to save your life. You cannot afford to get trapped in abuse again, you have to look at every person and ask yourself, what is the worst they're capable of. What would they do if they had the complete power over me. And you have to work with that, make sure it doesn't get to it, as much as it's in your power to do so.

Abuse victims have to go above and beyond to keep themselves safe, because we get targeted. It's not something we want to do, or something we do to make our own lives difficult. We don't enjoy it. We want to be safe. We want to let our guard down. We want to relax and believe we're surrounded by people who wouldn't harm us. But, if we're wrong, the consequences can be disastrous. And getting abused by someone we trusted was safe for us, that is not something we can survive endless times in life.

[rin-hanarin]

Some salt about Lucanis again, don't mind me, apparently it's my second favorite topic now, right after how much I liked what was there.

Honestly explaining Lucanis's lackluster romance with demisexuality rather than plain and honest underdevelopment makes it even worse, because when does he even develop any sort of connection with Rook on screen if you happen to want to switch the party around sometimes, don't constantly take him with you everywhere and don't use the power of ✨ imagination ✨ to fill the gaps? During one and only coffee scene? Does being demi entail ignoring the person expressing even platonic interest in you, then flirting with someone else in hopes they go away? Do you just go from 0 to 100 when it suddenly clicks that you like someone the way Lucanis seemingly does in his romance, because his relationship with Rook or lack thereof is never mentioned? Does "developing an emotional connection" translates to "You do favours for the person and solve their problems until they cave in and open up to you"? What trauma are we talking about if it's addressed in one (1) quest with a Fade sequence like 30 to 40 hours into the game without being talked about previously?

Just say "We fucked it up and it doesn't have enough content", man.

[moldy-flowers]

The interesting experience of being pro Sasuke, anti konoha, pro tobirama, anti Naruto ending, pro Sasusaku, anti Itachi, pro Sakura, anti SasuNaru, pro Tobirama×Izuna, anti Madara, pro karin, anti Orochimaru, pro Uchiha and anti Hashirama. And also as much as I hate the guy danzo was kind of hot when he was younger...

[wisegirl25]

They WERE on opposing sides

Ekko and the Firelights were vehemently against the Shimmer trade, taking down Silco and eradicating Shimmer from the streets of Zaun was their biggest goal, even before tackling the conflict with Piltover

Jinx didn’t care about liberating Zaun, that was Silco’s goal. She worked for Silco because he cared about her, and she wanted to prove herself to him.

Ekko and the Firelights are always the ones to attack Jinx/Silco’s goons first, obviously they have good reason to, but Jinx isn’t just hunting them out and killing them like a lot of you people seem to suggest

Caitlyn hitting Vi and Vi hitting Powder are entirely different things. For one, Vi was a CHILD when she hit Powder. Probably around 15/16, Caitlyn is a grown ass woman who should know better, she was in the wrong in every way in that situation

The worst part aren’t her actions, it’s her lack of remorse. Grief doesn’t excuse any of her actions, and she shouldn’t get a free pass because of that.

Jinx doesn’t “get a pass” she’s a fucking VILLAIN. Caitlyn is supposed to be a “hero”, that’s why they’re held to different standards. We don’t expect Jinx to be a good person because she doesn’t parade around pretending her actions are for the good of anyone, because they’re not.

Their character arcs are entirely different, Jinx is supposed to be a (somewhat) redeemed villain, Caitlyn’s bad actions were just not addressed at all because she’s supposed to be portrayed as a good person, which she’s not.

That’s not to say she isn’t redeemable, but she sure as hell isn’t any better for Vi than being around Jinx is

You’re also seeming to forget that Jinx is not mentally stable. Don’t even bring up the “well neither was Caitlyn at the time” bs because grief and schizophrenia, bipolar/borderline personality disorder, and psychosis are not even close to being the same thing. Jinx’s actions are fuelled by her emotional regression due to her trauma, which is such a huge part of her character that people always seem to ignore. She needs help, but unlike Caitlyn she doesn’t have the resources to access proper care for her issues.

Of course she’s killed Ekko’s comrades, but again, the Firelights were an Undercity Gang directly opposing Silco’s reign, he knew what he was facing. He’s able to look past that because if you apparently missed the entire point of episode 7, we know Jinx would have turned out differently if she had help available to her, and I cannot stress enough that Caitlyn DID have doctors and professionals to help her through the grief of her mothers death, and instead chose to become Caitler

After seeing how the oppression in Zaun led to such drastic measures such as BOMBING the council being made, instead of seeing how the system was setting Zaunites up for lives of drug use, starvation, and homelessness, she decided that all Zaunites were inherently evil and the girl who needs antipsychotics is the root of every bad thing to happen to Piltover.

So logical, so heroic.

People talking about “how can you criticize Caitvi for being toxic when timebomb literally tried to kill each other” PISS ME OFF so bad

Jinx and Ekko were on OPPOSITE SIDES OF A WAR

No shit they’re trying to fucking kill each other

Nothing romantic happened until well after a lot of growth for both characters (and even then it was in an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE)

Timebomb had history together—they were childhood best friends

Meanwhile Caitlyn HIT VI even though they’re on the same side (unprompted, they were arguing and not in a physical fight, that’s called abuse), asked her to become an enforcer KNOWING her trauma, and never apologized for a single thing she did

And all of this within at the very most a few months of knowing one another

It’s almost like—and hear me out—Vi fucking trauma bonded to the first person to show her kindness after being beaten and abused in a prison cell for 7 years

The difference between the ships is that for one, they BOTH tried to kill each other, it was even. For the other, it’s just one sided. Caitlyn in no way deserves Vi and I’m tired of acting like it’s such an amazing ship just cause it’s wlw

As a wlw myself, we deserved better representation than this half assed attempt at romance, season 1 caitvi was absolutely amazing, season 2 ruined it

[aeriondripflame]

my mind has been developing this delusion world in which tywin lannister was the mad king’s sugar baby. aerys was “vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for flatterers and lickspittles” (awoiaf p.190). upon becoming king, he fired his father’s older and wiser hand and named tywin in his place, making tywin the youngest hand in the entire history of the seven kingdoms, but how did we get there?

there were childhood friends. tywin served as a page in court and we know from genna that tywin mistrusted laughter due to hearing too many people laughing at his father. at this point in time, the lannisters were a laughingstock or at least tywin wholeheartedly believed this, so the subsequent friendship he makes with the crown prince thrusts him upwards in status and into higher scrutiny. tywin is the elder, but aerys is the prince. they spend years together with the established dynamic of aerys being the one with power and tywin (albeit his friend) his servant. it is only when tywin dares to step outside this master/servant dynamic aerys has cooked up, that they begin to fall apart.

they go to war together. aerys chooses tywin, a newly made knight, to knight him. this was the war of the ninepenny kings, he could have chosen gerold hightower. he could have chosen roger reyne, or any number of distinguished knights and commanders, but no he chose tywin who had likely just been knighted himself. for added context, during this war tywin’s father stayed at home with his mistress rather than taking to the battlefield. nearly a year later, aerys is crowned and tywin is named hand of the king. as hand of the king, tywin is allowed any expense, any decision, literally allowed to do anything he wants at aerys’ leave (up until their toxic breakup era).

something that always fascinated me within this was why after gaining power of his own merit and name does he make his father’s mistress do a walk of atonement? at first, i believed this to be a way to embarrass his father further from the grave and cement his notoriety. however, right after he forces the walk of atonement, aerys and tywin rule the kingdom from casterly rock for a year (awoiaf p.194). if we believe that tywin has a subconscious or conscious shame in regards to using aerys’ fondness for him (whether you want to see it romantically or not) for seize of power and political gain, the walk of atonement is so interesting as it is a public self-flagellation of a transactional relationship that he himself mirrors. it is after this very act that aerys holds court (and tywin) at casterly rock, the scene of the crime in a sense. here tywin is, like his fathers mistresses in the same very home, flattering and bootlicking the same man for money, influence, and power. it is only after this year in casterly rock where tywin is forced to reconcile with these similarities that their relationship dissolves.

in conclusion, tywin was playing sugar baby to aerys and their relationship soured when tywin decided he wished for power that was truly his own rather than through aerys.

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

The thing the people don’t tell you about re-parenting yourself/similar gambits is that for bitches of a particular temperament (it’s me I’m bitches) it sometimes makes you so so mad when it works. Sold all my baby dolls in a garage sale when I was eight not because I didn’t want to them anymore but because I thought I shouldn’t want them anymore, and now the only thing that had me sleeping like a rock after fortnight of hells is this elaborate LARP so I can convince my central nervous system that there is someone in charge who a) wants to take care of shit and b) can take care of shit.

RSD emotional hangover making you too agitated to sleep even though you’re intellectually aware the conflict is resolved? Not anymore with the power of making dairy-free chocolate milk and listening to ten minutes of Dune on audiobook while reading alongside on your e-reader before you pass the fuck out.

Like you would think cringing into the sun* would keep one even more awake than the vague background radiation of little-T traumas (which has actually reduced after five years of medication and psychology appointments), but I guess it is really about quantity over quality. Guess one big cringe is less impactful than the relief from convincing the quivering little toddler that’s been left in charge of the sleep lever in your brain to come out from under the desk and do their job by putting up a sort of flimsy curtain so they can no longer see the wall of painting symbolising your mild disconcerting experiences

And I reference temperament when I know that my annoyance is in fact also a huge part to do with socialisation, particularly being primed towards abnegation + a fundamental suspicion towards adults engaging with things culturally associated with Children and Childhood, both of which are things I challenge on principle consciously/intellectually. But knowing that it’s completely harmless, and like hey I could be doing meth or something, does not change the fact that when I mimic the running commentary I do with babysitting kids Just In My Head To Myself and immediately become head-nodding sleepy, I’m instantly like “oh we respond to this and not a haunting amount of melatonin? cool. yeah. sure.”

(*Of course none of this is cringe when other people do it, as they are allowed to experience Quirks and Vulnerabilities in peace because they are Not Me. That said, when I’m not venting on tumblr dot org I do generally avoid calling any of this stuff cringe bc I am aware that caveating with “This only applies to me because I’m Not Like Other Girls (I’m Worse)” often doesn’t actually make the other person feel assured you’re not judging them.)

[mer-se]

um today is so fucking weird