#i was honestly at a complete loss for words because we broke up 5 years ago. we literally had no future together

[moonwish]

turbulent events have happened tonight

[nocturnalazura]

Reassured You're Worth It

Todoroki Shoto x Virgin Fem!Reader

Minors do not interact.

Warnings| 18+, Loss of Virginity, multiple orgasms, Oral (fem receiving), fingering, minor over stimulation, unprotected sex, cream pie

All characters are aged up

Summary: You've always been a little unsure and nervous about finally losing your virginity, you're boyfriend always said that it was fine but sometimes you over think. So when you get into your own head he helps reassure you and you finally make a decision that you've thought about a few times before. (I suck at summaries)

Just a quick thank you to the anon that requested a first time with Todoroki! This was super fun to right and ended up being way longer than I meant it to be.

It’s a rare occurrence for you and Shoto to have a full night to yourselves. Normally one of you has something to do, you with piles of homework for school, or Shoto has to go off and save the city. So for the first time in what feels like and probably is months you two find solace in laying back on the couch together. Shoto rests on his back half watching whatever movie the two of you had previously chosen while he traces soft circles on your back while you rest on his chest not even attempting to act interested in the movie playing. You lost interest long ago as the couple on screen breaks up for some stupid reason that won’t matter in the end anyway. You already know that the movie will end with them getting back together and of course there will be the obligatory overly dramatic sex scene. You cringe inwardly at the thought of sitting through something that would set expectations to high.

Realistically you know that sex would never be like it was in the movies, but seeing little glimpses of it being so perfect always kind of got your hopes up that that’s what it would really be like. At twenty years old you know that the world doesn’t work the same way as the movies, and people always bitched about how sex scenes and porn were so over rated but you couldn’t help but wonder if they really were. Maybe your first time would be like the movies and everyone was just full of shit and didn’t want to tell you the truth. Or maybe people didn’t want to tell you because you were still a virgin in college and some people found that weird. Which honestly you still don’t get, who cares if you’re still a virgin, not everyone needs to have sex at a young age to have fun plus you wanted to do it with someone you trusted.

Shoto knew you were a virgin and simply stated that he didn’t mind not having sex he just wanted to be with you, but sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder if he would get tired of waiting. Other boyfriends were usually sick of waiting by now and tried pushing for more a few times before you finally broke it off. Shoto’s never brought it up or made any attempt to push you out of your comfort zone, he’s always been pretty respectful when your make out sessions get a little too hot for your liking. The thought of him being your first had crossed your mind more than once, you trust him, and feel comfortable with him. Would he want to? He’s never brought it up maybe because he’s not interested? Suddenly the fingers on your lower back turn ice cold.

“Shoto! What the hell oh my god stop!” You shriek and giggle as you attempt to wiggle away from the frozen fingers. Sitting up on his lap you look down at him only to see him softly smiling up at you.

“Sorry love, but I’ve been saying your name for about 5 minutes now. I could practically hear you thinking. What’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid don’t worry about it.”

“Nothing you think is stupid love now tell me or you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.” He whispers, pushing himself to sit up against the arm of the couch. Biting your lip softly he offers you his hand so you can play with his fingers as you work up the nerve to voice your problem.

“God it’s so stupid, but I just, are you tired of waiting?”

“Tired of waiting?”

“For me.” You whisper softly. When he raises a quizzical eyebrow at you, you swallow awkwardly and continue. “For uhm for sex.”

“Am I tired of waiting for sex?” He parrots back to you. When you nod he frowns slightly and pulls his hand away from yours and pushes himself to sit up fully. “Why do you think I’d be tired? I told you I don’t mind waiting, have I been pushing you? I didn’t mean to. We go at your pace. I'm sorry if I gave off anything but that.”

“Oh, oh Sho no that’s not what I meant at all. You’ve never pushed me to far, I just, god see I told you it was stupid.”

“It’s not. I want you to feel comfortable at all times. I told you, I really don’t mind waiting, I just want to be with you, so what brought this up?” He questions tilting his head and opening his arms for you to collapse into him.

“I don’t know, I see these stupid scenes and I over think, and just I don’t want you to be unhappy. Are you sure you don’t mind waiting?”

“Of course not my love. I want you to be comfortable. If you want to take that step with me one day then I’ll happily take the chance but if you don’t want to that’s fine as well. It’s about you, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Nodding you snuggle into his chest and let him resume rubbing soft circles into your skin with one hand while he mindlessly let you play with the finger on his other hand. Resting his head on top of yours as he goes back to half watching the movie. His reassurance in you and your decisions fills you with a sense of comfort and undying trust that you didn’t know you needed. Your body automatically relaxes into him as he turns slightly to press a soft kiss to your forehead before smiling softly against you.

The two of you continue to enjoy the rest of the night, switching to another movie later on. Filled with soft kisses and plenty of cuddles. When the movie ends Shoto turns so you’re tucked into his side and listens as you tell him how school has been going for you lately. He tells you about some of the less graphic and violent missions and villains he’s taken part in over the past couple weeks. The soft discussion of you finally moving into his apartment with him when your lease ends in a few months makes you both smile. As it gets later the two of you finally pop your comfortable bubble of happiness and finally head to bed. Getting washed up quickly you get into bed together.

“Good night.” Shoto softly whispers into your hair.

“Night Sho, love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that he pulls you just a little closer so his chest is completely pressed to your back. You let the feeling of his chest rising and falling against your back mixed with the soft little puffs of air that escape him relax you. You smile as his breathing evens out as he falls asleep. Your earlier conversation plays over and over in your mind, his instant concern for you and what you want fills your heart with nothing but love. Swallowing down the fear you have you slowly wiggle around in his arms to turn around and face him. His face is perfectly peaceful as he sleeps, you know you’d be making the right choice with him being your first.

However the last few times you’ve thought of finally taking that leap your own nerves got in the way. He’s proven to you over and over again that you can trust him with everything and his words from earlier prove to you once again that you can trust him. Taking a deep breath you finally make your decision. He’ll be staying the night with you again tomorrow and you’ll tell him you want him to be your first. Your body fills with nothing but excitement and nerves at the thought but you do your best to tame the thoughts and sleep.

Unfortunately sleep doesn’t take you right away and by the time you wake up Shoto is long gone. A small note on your bedside table lets you know that he should be home early as he only has some paperwork and meetings to attend to today. Smiling at the thought of him coming home before dark for once. Pulling yourself out of bed you get ready for the day before heading out to the living room to clean up the little mess the two you left behind the previous night.

Turning on some music you lose yourself to your cleaning as you dance around picking up and wiping everything clean. Before you know it the entire living room, kitchen and bathroom are spotless. Moving on to the bedroom you work on changing the bedding and throwing the other set in a basket to be put away later. Looking around you eye the chair settled in the corner of your room piled high with clean clothes. Sighing you decide to finally tackle the dreaded mountain. After what feels like years of putting away laundry you unceremoniously drop onto the bed to rest and scroll through your phone.

A shrill ding rings out as a message from Shoto pops up letting you know he’s done for the day and has picked up food on his way. Smiling, you hop up and head over to the dresser and pull out one of the shirts you’ve stolen from Shoto and a pair of shorts. Changing quickly you head out to the living room just as Shoto unlocks the door with a bag of take out in hand.

“Oh. I didn’t think you’d be here that quick.” You say happily surprised.

“Didn’t want to leave you waiting long so I waited to text you.” He says, smiling softly as you pad over to him taking the bag. Grabbing you before you have a chance to get away he gives you a soft kiss before heading to your room to change into comfortable clothing. “You did a lot while I was gone.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I kinda just got into it and kept going.”

“I would have helped you when I got back.” He says settling on the floor in front of the coffee table.

“I know but this gave me something to do while you were gone.” You mumble as you hand him his food.

He rolls his eyes at you with a small smile before grabbing the remote to pick something to watch. He settles on something neither one of you really cares about as you both dig into your food. You only half watch whatever plays as you pick at one another’s food and discuss what happened at his meetings. When the food is finished you two slowly begin to pay more attention to the show. You sit there on the floor together for quite awhile before finally deciding to head to bed. Before you can grab anything to put it away Shoto is pushing you onto the couch and doing it himself ignoring your protests.

“You cleaned all day. I can put away leftovers and take out the trash.” He says pressing a kiss to your forehead before going to take the trash out.

Sighing you settle on the couch and wait for him to come back. Taking a deep breath you decide that once he comes back you’ll finally tell him you’re ready. A small amount of nerves build up again at the thought of finally going that far. Shaking your head you get up and head to the bedroom and wait for him there. Jumping onto the bed you toss your phone onto the side table and settle face down on the bed. The sound of the front door opening and closing again alerts you to Shotos return but doesn’t prepare you for his weight to suddenly drop onto your body.

“Aghkh Sho!” You wheeze out as he lets himself rest on you. “Get off me you ass! You’re heavy!”

“Well now that’s rather rude of you to say. I don’t feel like moving for someone who insults me.”

“You’re literally all muscle! You’re gonna kill me!!” You squeal as he lets more of his weight drop. Laughing slightly he wraps an arm under you and flips the two of you over. Wiggling out from under his arm you sit up to flip yourself over to look down at him. “Rude.”

“You’re cute.”

“I know I am.” You smirk as you lean down to kiss him.

Shoto happily sighs as your lips slot perfectly against his. His hands carefully roam the tops of your thighs before creeping up the back of your shirt slowly.

“You look good in my clothes.”

“Mmm that’s why I wear them.”

Shaking his head he tangled a hand in your hair pulling you back down to him. It’s a familiar thing for the two of you, long drawn out make out sessions with a small mix of groping and grinding against one another until you finally reach the edge of your comfort zone. His hands roam over your body easily, memorizing every little detail they touch. Shoto grabs greedy handfuls of your ass as your mouths work together. His hands knead at the fat of your ass as he uses it as leverage to move you against him.

You both groan into the other's mouth as he pulls you to softly grind against him. You moan sweetly against him as you feel his cock stir beneath you. He lets out a soft grunt as you grind down a little harder on him. Pulling away from the kiss he lets his head rest against the pillows as he looks up at you with half lidded, his thumbs rub soft circles onto your hips as he watches you move against him. You keep your movement at a steady pace as you watch his face twitch and contort softly with every little grunt and groan he lets out. The feeling of his hardened cock pressing against you as you move against him has your already slightly dampened panties soaking uncomfortably quick as you think of what could possibly happen.

“Y/n, love tell me what you want.” He whispers up at you softly.

“I want you.”

“Want me to help get you off love?” He mutters leaning up to kiss your neck as he lets one of the hands on your hip slide down to the waistband of your shorts.

“Shoto, I um, I want want you.” Swallowing your nerves you continue “I’ve been thinking about it and I want it to be you.” You whisper softly leaning in to press a soft kiss to his cheek. “I want you to be my first.”

Gnawing on your bottom lip, you finally sit up to look at him fully. A bright blush rests over his cheeks as he stares up at you with wide bi colored eyes. You watch as he swallows hard before finally nodding, seeming to have finally processed everything. Letting go of you he pushes himself up to rest against the headboard before bringing a hand up to your cheek and pulling you close again.

“You’ll tell me if you want to stop right?”

“Of course, I trust you Sho. You’ll um take the lead right?”

“If that’s what you’re more comfortable with of course.”

“Yes please.”

Giving you a quick nod he pulls you into a soft kiss before letting him slide back down the headboard to rest amongst the pillows with you on top of him. He lets his hands drift down to your ass again to coax you back into grinding against him. The two of you continue that way for a little while, simply kissing and nipping at one another. Groaning against you he wraps an arm around you tightly to quickly flip the two of you over. Sitting up on his knees he quickly pulls his shirt over his head smirking at the way your eyes rake over his toned torso. He fiddles with the hem of the shirt you're wearing waiting for your nod of approval before pulling it off to admire your naked torso. You fidget slightly under his gaze fighting off the temptation of covering your bare chest.

“God you’re beautiful.” He whispers leaning down to pepper soft kisses across your face before diving down to press harsher ones against your neck. His hands cautiously creep up your body to softly grope at your breasts. “You’re so soft and perfect love.”

You relax again at his words letting him touch you the way he pleases. A small moan escapes you as his thumbs toy with your nipples softly, fingers kneading into the plushness. Shoto lets out quiet hums of happiness at the feeling of finally being able to hold and touch you in all ways. He carefully begins to work his way down from your neck, pressing little kisses against your skin. He nips softly at the soft skin of your breast peeking up at you through his hair before moving slightly to allow his teeth to graze your already sensitive nipple before carefully letting his lips wrap around it. He softly laps and sucks at it, switching to the other when you arch your back pressing him further into your chest.

“Sho, keep going please.” You whine tugging at his hair.”

Humming against you he starts moving again, leaving little kisses against the soft skin of your belly until he reaches the waistband of your shorts. He kisses along the edge before lifting his head to look up at you as if asking permission to continue. When you give him a small nod he wraps his fingers around it gently before tugging your shorts and panties down in one go leaving you completely bare to him. You can’t help the nerves that suddenly swell up inside of you as you clench your legs together in a small attempt to hide.

“Please don’t hide from me love, you’re perfect.” Whispers Shoto running his hands along your sides in an attempt to ease your nerves. “We can stop if you’re not ready.”

“Sorry, just a little nervous.” You whisper, taking in a deep breath you let your legs relax. “Keep going, I trust you.”

Smiling at you sweetly he moves to spread your legs and settles himself in between them. He’s touched you before but having him this close to your soaked center is oddly nerve wracking. Soft hands rub against the tops of your thighs before pushing your legs just a little further apart. Once settled he uses his thumbs to gently spread your lips apart to look at your clenching little hole. Shifting slightly you throw an arm over your eyes to avoid looking down at him until you feel it.

You let out a surprised moan as Shoto licks a strip up your soaked little pussy. He eagerly groans into your core as he continues to let his tongue explore as you moan and tug at his hair. His nose softly bumps and rubs against your clit as he eagerly licks into you, letting his tongue explore you and happily letting your taste coat his mouth. Moving up he sucks softly on your clit as he slowly circles a finger around your entrance coating it in your slick. Moving your arm you finally look down only to be met with Shoto’s hazy lust filled gaze as he sucks at your clit and carefully works a singular finger into you.

“Oooh Shoto!” You moan out tugging at his hair as he groans heavily against your clit.

His eyes gaze up to your through a lust filled haze as he slowly pumps his finger in you as he lets his tongue lap at your clit. Popping off your clit he speeds up the pace of his finger and changes his position to lean over you as he watches your face for any kind of discomfort. Twisting his wrist ever so slightly he finally hits the little spot inside of that leaves you moaning freely. Carefully he eases in a second finger slowing the pace down and letting you get used to the stretch. When your mouth drops open with a low moan of his name he picks the pace back up, letting the pads of his fingers press against that spongy spot inside of you.

“You’re so good for me my love. Look how perfect you are.” He groans out as he feels your walls clamp around him sporadically. “Your pussy is so pretty baby, look how cute it looks wrapped around my fingers.”

You rock your hips up into his hand, looking up at him with little tears dotting the corners of your eyes. Licking at his bottom lip he drops back down between your thighs letting his tongue play with your sensitive little clit. Your hips shift around relentlessly at the stimulation until he throws his free arm over you to hold you in place as he pressed his fingers into you faster.

“Shoto! M’gonna cum.” You squeal as he licks and sucks at your clit harder pulling you closer to your end. FInally he presses a third finger in officially pushing you over the edge at the added stretch and pressure.

“That’s it love, cum for me.” He grunts out as he eases you through your orgasm. He carefully pulls his finger free of your spasming walls before leaning down to lick a long strip up your slit. Shoto eagerly licks at slick the drips from you, softly pushing your legs open as they threaten to close around him.

He lets you whine and tug at his hair as he digs his tongue into your now drenched and stretched little hole. He shoves his face into your center letting his nose rub against your now sensitive clit as he licks into you groaning as he ruts against the bed as the taste of you spreads throughout his mouth. Grunting into he switches between licking at your clit and pressing his tongue as far into your spasming walls as he can. The feeling quickly begins to overstimulate you as he smothers himself in your pussy. Your hands scramble to push him away as he goes back to focusing on your clit again as the feeling of another orgasm quickly creeps up on you.

“Sho! Too much!” You cry out as he sends you crashing over the edge again. Finally you manage to push him off of you as your legs shake around him with tears running down your face from the over stimulation.

“Fuck, sorry love.” He says breathing heavily. He quickly wipes your juices from the bottom half of his face with the back of his hand before moving up to lean down and kiss you softly. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. You okay?”

“Uh huh” you mumble through a head filled with a lovely pleasure haze.

“Do you wanna stop here?” He questions pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“No, I really want to keep going please. I wanna know what it feels like to have you in me please.” You whisper blinking the haze away.

“Yeah? Ok, fuck we can do that.” Swallowing thickly he gives you another quick kiss before pushing the rest of his clothes off quickly. You watch with wide eyes as his hard cock slaps up against his lower abs. “You can say no still at any point ok?”

“I know.” You whisper as you pull him back down to you for a long drawn out kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He mumbles against your lips. He settles himself over you, one arm holding himself up while the other reaches down to tease the blunt head of his cock against your soaked entrance. “Ready?”

“Mmhmm” You hum out quietly leaning up to kiss him softly again.

Licking his lips Shoto watches you closely as he slowly works on pushing into you. He offers a small chorus of praises as your face scrunches up at the slight stinging the unfamiliar stretch causes. The arm not holding him up quickly comes up to tangle your fingers together as he finally bottoms out within you. He leans down bringing you into a soft kiss as he stills, letting you adjust to the new feeling.

“You’re doing so good love. Feel so good already.” he mutters against your cheek, squeezing your hand tightly. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

Nodding softly you let your face relax as you take in a deep breath. Suddenly you're very thankful for his earlier prep and over stimulation as the small sting still rings throughout your body lightly. Peeling your eyes open you look up at Shoto, admiring the way his hair falls around his face. When he takes note of you looking up at you he smiles softly and kisses you. He rests his forehead against yours.

“Move Shoto.” You whisper softly, squeezing his hand.

Sucking in a harsh breath he slowly eases his hips back only leaving the tip in before pushing back in just as slowly still giving you plenty of time to adjust. When given no indications of unease, he builds a slow pace letting you feel every inch of him as he pushes into you. Slowly he feels your body relax against him as he rolls his hips into yours. His own body relaxes slightly when your mouth falls open and softly little moans finally begin to spill from it.

“Mmm Shoto, feels good.”

“Yeah? Fuck, you feel amazing love.” Shoto says grunting softly into your neck. He lets out a low moan when you shift your hips to wrap your legs around his waist successfully pulling him deeper into you. “Shit, it’s like you were made for me.”

“Faster Sho. Please.”

Biting into your neck softly he works his hips faster into yours groaning when you begin to roll your hips to match his pace.

“That’s it, good job baby. So good for me baby girl”

The two of you build a comfortable rhythm as the soft rhythmic sound of skin slapping together mixed with your soft moans and his grunts fills the room. With every thrust his cock kisses at your cervix filling you to the brim. The veins that litter his cock rub at all of the little sensitive spots within that up until this point had never been touched. Letting go of your hand he pushes his free hand underneath you pulling you closer to him.

Your eyes roll back as the angle is slightly changed and his tip rubs effortless against that little spongy spot with every single thrust. You bring your arms up to wrap around Shoto’s shoulders to claw at his back. You feel your cheeks flush as you look up to see Shoto watching every little move you make, from the fucked out little faces to the way your breasts bounce as he fucks you. His pupils are blown as his face is drowned in lust from watching you. He grunts heavily when your walls eagerly clench around his cock.

“Love you so much baby, so fuckin’ perfect and tight around my cock.” He states with a particularly hard thrust.

“Love you too Sho, feels good.” you moan eagerly pulling him down and into a sloppy open mouthed kiss. “Shoto! Wanna cum.” you moan into his mouth.

Nodding with a quiet grunt he pulls his arm out from underneath you to push it between the two of you. He fumbles around for a second as you clench around him again before regaining his composure and rubbing tight circles against your clit. As the added stimulation courses through your body your mouth drops open allowing soft pants and moans of his name to fall freely from your mouth. Finally he pushes you closer and closer to the edge of your third orgasm as he slowly speeds his thrusts up just a little more. Your legs tighten around his waist pulling him even closer as your walls spasm around him helplessly.

You look up at him, letting a warbled chorus of his name fall from your parted lips as you push your hips harder into his. Nails bite into his shoulders as a final hard thrust pushes you over the edge.

“S-s-shoto.” You whimper out pathetically as you come crashing over the edge. Your head tipped back into the pillows as your pussy creamed around him, walls spasming in attempt to milk him. “ Sho! F-fuck Sho.”

“Shit, shit that’s it baby, fuck good girl.” He groans above you rolling his hips a little slower to help work you through your orgasm. The feeling of your velvety walls clenching around him forces him closer to his own end. “Fuck ok baby, ‘m gonna cum, shit where should I?”

“In! Please Sho wanna feel it in me.”

“Fuck. Y/N fuck, shit.” He grunts into your neck as a shudder rocks through his body just as he pushes all the way to the hilt and begins to fill you. The tip of his cock presses snuggly up against your cervix as hot spurts of cum fill you. His hips give a few half assed thrusts as he finally stills above you, breathing heavily he lowers himself to rest on top of you still holding up the majority of his weight in an attempt to not crush you. “Baby, you okay?”

“Uh huh, I’m I’m ok.” you whisper, eyes closed as you attempt to regulate your breathing.

Pushing himself up just high enough to look down at you, carefully he brings a hand up to push a few stray strands of hair out of your face. Your eyes flutter open slowly only to be met with Shoto’s slightly concerned face.

“Are you sure you’re ok love?” he questions caressing your cheek softly.

“Yeah I’m sure, I feel good.” You say offering him a small pleased smile before turning your head to kiss his palm softly.

“Good.” He whispers leaning down to kiss you softly. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, it was perfect. I made the right decision.” You whisper pulling him back into a kiss. When you drop back to the bed you look up at him with slightly tired eyes.

“C’mon lets get you cleaned up so we can go to bed.”

He slowly pulls his now softened cock out of you watching as his cum slowly drips out of your abused little hole. You whimper quietly at the now empty feeling. Shoto presses a soft kiss to your forehead and a mumbled “sorry”. Getting off the bed he quickly pulls on his previously discarded sweats and heads to the bathroom. He comes back with warm wet cloth, climbing back on the bed he carefully works on cleaning up the mess between your legs and tossing the cloth into the nearby laundry basket. Grabbing the shirt he was wearing earlier he helps you sit up and slips it over your head.

“Need anything?”

“Cuddles?”

“Of course.” He says laughing softly. He quickly switches off the lights before laying down and opening his arms for you to curl into his chest. Once you settle he wraps an arm around you and presses a kiss to your forehead and offers you a hand so you can play with his fingers. “So worth the wait?”

“Oh yeah definitely. What do you think, was I worth the wait?”

“You are beyond perfect my love. I’d wait a thousand years to be with you.”

“Mmm that was so cheesy Sho.”

“I know, but it’s true. I love you Y/n”

“Love you too Shoto.” You mumble out.

The soft rhythmic beating of his heart lulls you to sleep. As your breathing evens out Shoto can’t help but smile down at you passed out against his chest. Everything around the two of you just feels right at this moment. Even when you would wake up the next morning with a soft ache between your legs you’d kiss him happily and say it was worth it.

[theshopkeepofremnant]

I want to talk about a scene...

Okay, I guess this is actually going to be a few scenes, but they’re all related, I promise!

Disclaimer: Yang is my favorite character. In RWBY, obviously. In all media? Honestly, maybe. I love her. To wit, over the course of a single year I vomited up nearly half a million words of fanfiction centered almost entirely around her. Still, I think my take on this isn’t so biased as to be useless.

Let’s start with the scenes that inspired me on this. First, from volume six, chapter 4:

“That bastard!”

Now, leaving aside the fact that every one of these child soldiers have a right to be mad at the body-hopping deity who lied to them in the process of roping them into a suicide mission that won’t even win or truly advance the cause of his impossible war, why is Yang especially mad?

Or in volume six, chapter 13:

“Does that mean he’s been watching us this whole time?”

Again, any of them could be upset here, but Yang seems especially peeved.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I’ve been watching RWBY reactors who are just now catching up, and in most cases I’ve seen the same misinterpretation of what’s going on here. This was somewhat surprising to me, as I avoid reactors that hate Yang (or any of the main cast) and tend to prefer those who have a generally positive outlook on the show. Still, in every case both of these scenes garnered some version of “chill out, Yang.” It was as though everyone saw these scenes and just thought Yang was being a brat, or hotheaded, and they could not be more wrong.

But why this misconception?

My current guess is that they either have forgotten, or never fully understood the end volume 5.

I loved it as much as anyone when Yang told Raven off. I cheered when Raven broke down, because she deserved every bit of that tongue lashing and more. Yang standing up to her train wreck of a mother and showing her what true strength was? *Chef’s kiss* Love it, it was perfect. But if this is all you remember, you didn’t understand the full arc of this character moment. The next minute was one of the most complex moments in the show in terms of development, and there was not a word of dialogue.

Now yes, this shot was visually stunning. That’s enough to distract anyone. And yes, maybe Yang is simply wrung out from a hell of a day, and her mom is the worst, and she was overwhelmed with the weight of volunteering to be a target for an all-powerful, monster-controlling witch. I mean, those things are all true, and valid, but none of them explain why she, specifically, was so angry with Ozpin in the later scenes.

What else is going on here?

We are witnessing a complete loss of innocence.

Yes, Yang insisted she was an adult back in volume 4. And you know, losing an arm in combat while defending the one she had only fully realized she loved was probably quite a move in that direction, but she was still holding on to one childish dream: the fantasy that her mother wasn’t absolute trash. The belief that maybe, just maybe, she had a good reason for leaving.

Look, was it still strategic to hunt down Raven as a shortcut to Ruby? Sure, but that wasn’t why she went there. She went there because the last shred of her inner child demanded it. She needed to know if there was any place in the world for that girl, and at the bandit’s camp she almost put that to rest.

When she confronted Raven at the camp, she was not terribly impressed, and she certainly didn’t like her mother, but there was still a modicum of respect. This was a woman who knew things, important things, who commanded respect from her followers. Her mother wasn’t a good person, but there was still something about her, a mystique. She still saw Raven as out of reach, larger than life, and the childish dream persisted.

Then came the vault.

When Yang realized that her mother had murdered a child for power, everything fell into place. Yes, her mother wielded incredible magic. In a fight, she would steamroll Yang. But as Yang pointed out, being powerful and being strong are not the same thing. In that moment, she saw her mother as no more than a coward, a woman so afraid that she would kill a scared child to protect herself. That realization spurred her on to demand the relic, because she knew that her mother would willingly sacrifice her to protect her own sorry hide. And the worst part? She was right.

Can you imagine what that felt like?

Every child eventually sees that their parents are human. But for many of us, that’s a chance to forgive them their faults and vices. To see that they did their best despite their flaws, and that’s all you can ask. Right? For Yang, it was the realization that her mother was more than willing to throw her own daughter to the wolves if it meant keeping them at bay. She knew it without a doubt, down to her core, and it shattered that last fragment of innocence she had, in the worst way possible.

A loss of innocence is always painful to one degree or another, but this must have been excruciating. Her walk into the vault, her breakdown at the lamp, it spoke volumes. CRWBY deserves all of the awards for that beautiful understatement of a scene.

Then Yang went upstairs and...didn’t tell Qrow about Raven.

Why?

Because once she’d mourned the loss of her inner child, she stopped clinging to the dream she’d held onto and began...well, not forgiving Raven, but understanding. Raven was weak, the knowledge of Salem had broken her. Yang wouldn’t let it break her, and now that she knew what was ahead of her, she would face it in the way her mother could not.

Then Jinn showed her the lie. There was Yang, only just beginning to face years of trauma, slapped in the face with a truth she wasn’t ready for. Yeah, maybe her mom was still a shitty person, but maybe she wasn’t so wrong to run. That maybe, just maybe, if Ozpin had left her alone, she wouldn’t have done the things she did, become the person she was.

And years of barely acknowledged, let alone processed, anger boiled out at the only target available. At the man, the demigod who played with the lives around him and was at least partially responsible for breaking the will of a fragile woman who didn’t ask for any of that madness. At the immortal wizard who played chess with the mortals around him with seemingly little regard for the fact that they were sentient beings with their own hopes and dreams and foibles. To him, they were just cannon fodder, pawns in a game that he was destined to lose.

Is that what I think? Not exactly. I empathize with Ozma, really. He is in an impossible place. But everyone telling Yang to chill for being angry at him, for transferring some of her anger to him, rightfully or not, needs to take several seats. He’s thousands of years old, she’s a teenager who just wanted her mom around. If you can feel bad for him and a not for her you need to reevaluate who gets your sympathy.

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[mydayserenade]

My Dear Starlight

Yunho x OC

rom, angst, fluff (???)

first time playing around w/ this kind of genre so apologies if its shitty

i suggest listening to Fix You by Coldplay cause it will definitely send you to sad hours while reading

"Do you remember the last time we went star-gazing? It was the night before I eventually confessed to you, we were lying on the grass and I was pretty much sleep deprived and alongside handling an empty stomach that was growling" he said and chuckled, reminiscing the sweet moment ever so vividly like it happened just yesterday. Yunho took his attention off the sky and watched silently as his fiance gaze the starry night without even noticing him staring at her like she was the brightest thing to ever exist as of the moment, which has always been a thing for them to do to each other... but mostly Yunho.

"I do dummy, can you believe it has been 5 years since then? Time flies so fast" Luna responded, leaning towards her right side to get a closer look at Yunho's visuals "And now here we are, engaged and a few months away from officially tying the knot." she giggled, toying with the necklace that he gave to her during their first anniversary and looked back at the night once more to admire it; the moon dawned on them like a bright spotlight, the sky was as blue as the deep sea, complimenting the shining stars that laced the sky, telling tales of long lost lovers which completed the visually angelic twilight that these two would share for hours.

Yunho looks over to his paramour with the endearment in his doey eyes and smiles ever so sweetly as she laid beside him, interlocking hands with one another and her hair that sprawled like beautiful waves; in a swift move he sits himself up and props Luna to lay down on his chest. Luna responds in a squeak, shocked by the sudden gesture her fiance did.

"Whenever you miss me" Yunho broke the silence between them and rested his cheek on the head of his soon-to-be Mrs. Jeong, she flinches as she felt his warm arms wrap around her chest, feeling his heartbeat going at a slow but steady pace.

"Um, where are you going with this?" she asked confusingly as Yunho snuggled on her neck, inhaling the delicate perfume that he oh so loved whenever she would put it on; he breathes in the intoxicating fragrance and lets out a satisfied sigh before he continued.

"It's just an intrusive thought" he replied and continued to snuggle, "but whenever you miss me while I'm away or when I suddenly get called by the House of Hufflepuff" he said jokingly in the last part, receiving a slap on the arm by her and continued on. "Look up at the night sky and think of me. My mom always told me that I had a special connection with celestial things most especially stars. I thought it was just nonsense she shared with me as a teenager but as I got older and took into consideration the feelings I had and enviroment or situations I was in, I did notice a few things that made me convinced that my mom was indeed right about her speculations." Luna was bewildered, all she could do was laugh. This was the first time she has ever heard of this story from Yunho considering the fact they've been together for 5 years, 24/7, 365 and he would often share his most atrocious memories; even his embarassing ones. She looked up at Yunho who was looking straight at her, showing how perplexed she was by her furrowed brows and confused grin.

"So you're telling me, God decided to make your bloodline 40% human and 60% celestial and as you age the more you feel connected with these things, will somehow tingle in your bones and signal you to shoot supernovas out of your hands like Starfire or some shit whenever it's nightime?" she asks.

"You're phrasing it like it's a crazy Sci-Fi movie Luna, I wasn't even finished." Yunho eyerolls and massages the bridge of his nose, letting out a deep sigh of annoyance. Luna enjoyed teasing him and seeing him all fired up; even if Yunho had a fierce exterior that people would be afraid of approaching, only few knew his childish side and how young at heart he was for things that he loved and took interest in.

"Go on continue, I was just annoying you." she giggles at the sight of him pouting and scrunching up his nose, Yunho takes a deep breath before he proceeds to the next.

"Eversince I was a little boy and when there were times where I had no one to play around with" Yunho looks up at the stars and grows a grin on his face as he points upward "they were always my companion and relate to how I was feeling. Whenever I felt happy, it would always blink at me, become bigger in size and blind me with its light; however when I felt sad, it would always shrink and release very little light. It would sometimes respond to the many queries I had and decisions by its blinking, it somehow felt like I had a mood lamp with me everywhere I go." he crooks his head to the right, scoffing at the many memories of him that flashed in his mind. "Even if I had no one to talk to at that time, as crazy as it sounds, the stars comforted me in a way that is unexplainable."

"It felt like someone understood the things you were going through like no one else has, almost as if you had an alternate you up in the galaxies." Luna looked up at how Yunho admired each white dot with the happiness in his eyes, looking so astonished like a little kid who just visited a candy store for the very first time. She now understood the many moments where he would suddenly look up the sky while driving, walking or even eating and just stare for seconds before eventually returning to what he was doing, almost as if he was thanking the heavens above or checking up on them like they were part of his family.

"You understand now? Whenever that time comes, just look up and I'm there." He whispers in Luna's ear, hands interlocking with hers and giving her a soft kiss on the head. Luna couldn't help but tear up by the gentle gesture Yunho did, the tale he had told and the thought of not seeing him for even a second. He was her rock and she was his, not a day would go by if they did not see each other in between the hours.

"I do Yunho, I do." she sits up and faces Yunho, cupping his face with her warm hands with Yunho gently caressing it and gives him a gentle kiss on the lips.

6 years later...

"I'm here" Luna whispered, standing in the middle of the silent and deserted park which was quiet enough to hear her; holding onto her precious necklace, she looked up the sky, admiring the white dots that scattered the sky. The stars were a bit different from normal, they were shining and twinkling more and more, almost as if it was calling out to her in morse code.

"You should really try and hide your excitement to a bare minimum, see this is why I never planned any surprise parties with you" she scoffed and sat down on the grass, closing her eyes and completely taking in the midnight breeze that brushed against her skin and blew on her hair. She lets out a sigh and toyed with the golden chain that was entangled on her fingers, feeling every abrasion and imperfection this necklace presented.

"You're probably wondering why I am here at 3 am in the morning" she said, fluttering her eyes to a vast field with streetlights surrounding it, "Awww man" Luna laughed, "You're most likely gonna kill me if I went out especially in this hour, well truth be told Mr. Jeong; are you battling me now with this cold gust of wind you blow?"

No one responds.

"I thought so too." she said under her breath as she hangs her head down, taking a deep breath before she continued to talk.

"I came here because I couldn't really sleep well these past few days and" she starts to choke up, sniffling and trying her absolute best to not break down, that's the last thing he would want Luna to do... especially in a time like this. "I don't know" she shrugs, rubbing her hands on her face. "I've been in my head too much, I've been emotionally unstable for the first time in a long time and I'm just" she suddenly pauses while a million thoughts circulates her mind. She urged herself to keep a strong and stable state for the past 6 years in front of friends and family, always say she was doing alright and all but deep down inside she was suffering the greatest loss of all and couldn't even bare to hold it in any longer.

"Yunho I'm so so so sorry" she lets out her tears, hysterically wailing on the field. She clutches her heart, completely lost her sense of reality and just wanted to scream out the pain and tiredness she has been holding on for the past few years, hiding behind a facadé so that people around her would not have to feel the burden that she might put on them. The countless nights of tear stained pillows and fake happy days were all weeped away at this night, she looks up at the skies; frozen and chanting swear words like a maniac.

"I'm sorry for not noticing sooner how much you suffered on the inside, for being such an asshole to you during those times and for not being enough of a friend and wife to you." she whimpered, losing all her might to prop herself up. In a graceful fall she lands on the grass, curled up, shiverring and clutching her knees amidst the cold breeze and moist grass under her.

"I'm a terrible person, I'm a fucking disgrace, and yet somehow I still exist in this world when it should've been you who is still alive. I tried my best to not worry you every night by saying I was doing okay, that I was living good and this and that, but for the past few days..." she closes her eyes and squeezes the pendant with her palm as tears streamed endlessly down her cheeks, "The wave of guilt just hit me harder than ever and I honestly am not so sure I can carry on this shameful life that only keeps me breathing."

From the day she knew up until his deathbed, Yunho never wanted Luna to see him at his worst neither did he want her to struggle and pity him, but his condition allowed Luna to see her beloved slowly succumb bit by bit. As much as she wanted to help him; he would always brush it off, plaster on his dimpled smile and please her in the best of his abilities and strength even if his state wasn't the way it was before. He did not want Luna to regret the moments she had with him and only fill her memories with the pain that he had felt and the hardships he's going through. She didn't agree to any of his ordeals but he had tried and persuaded her to commit to his wishes, in the end however; it would only lead to many arguements and her cursing him out. Eventually she caved in and did the best she could to seize the days, nights and hours with the presence of her one and only love yet deep down inside she was guilty of not helping with his condition and wanted to cater to his medical needs even if she had to travel miles away to get what he asks for.

"I respected your wishes, I carried on the many months with you with a positive outlook and a cheery personality. I was happy during those times I'll admit, because I was by your side everyday until the last second of you breathing, but at the back of my mind I knew I should've gone against what you wanted me to do and assist to your needs." she runs her hand through her hair, fuming at the thought of herself not doing her part during the days of Yunho's struggles. "You told me that I shouldn't feel guilty as this isn't my fault that you were diagnosed with this and it isn't my business to meddle around something like this, but goddamnit Yunho" she breathes uncontrollably as tears yet again pools in her eyes "I'm your fucking wife! I'm your best friend! I have been with you for as long as I can remember and I have made a vow to you that I'm gonna take care of you and nurture you when needed until our hair turns gray and we are all wrinkled." She bursts into annoyance and disappointment. None of what she did made perfect sense to her, all she wanted was to cry and rewind time so that she can make up for the past mistakes she's done and the many regrets she wanted to be erased in her mind. Luna didn't have the energy to continue on and she just lied in the grass, sprawled out and cried until her lungs gave out. She felt pain, she felt disappointment, she felt useless, she felt defeated.

A blinding light then hovers over Luna's exhausted and tearstained body, at first she did not mind this but as the light lingered on her for how many minutes now, she was irritated to this God-like halo that did not want to leave her be. She then slowly opens her eyes and was immediately welcomed to a soft, bright and white light that the moon shined on her, way different from the previous. The stars then aligned, creating a mystical ceiling that somehow calmed Luna's nerves and distract her away from her thoughts, it shined excitingly but twinkled in a calm matter. Luna was in awe at how much beauty the sky emmited, she had completely felt relaxed and wiped the tears that streamed down her face. She goes on to bask under the moonlight and stars, breathing in and out and feeling liberated and worry-free, something she has never felt ever since Yunho was put to rest.

"Now I truly understand what you meant." she mumbled, feeling lighter than ever. Luna then proceeds to put back her shoes on and did a flying kiss to the air multiple times before she left the park. "I think I know what I need to do now." she smiled and took a deep breath.

"Thank you for giving me something I never believed in but eventually found myself with you, love." she sighs lovingly as she gets up and moves towards her car. She takes one last look at the stars and glances down the necklace she has been holding. "Thank you for tonight, see you soonest, my dear starlight."

[drethanramslay]

A funny thing called Fate: Chapter 1

Pairing: Bryce X MC (Aisha Khurrana)

Word count: 2.6K words

Series Masterlist 

Masterlist

Warning: None really, just some cursing

Author's note: Hello!! I am back with the first chapter of "A funny thing called Fate" and this time this is in Bryce's POV

Like I said last time, there would be time jumps so you will be seeing both- 16 year old Bryce and present day Bryce

Just a word of caution, 16 year old Bryce (according to me) is your typical bad boy who is a jerk and upholds his reputation and prestige as the most important priorities

I decided to take part in @choicesseptemberchallenge20​ the prompt being- LOST

Also decided to take part in @choicesweeklychallenge​ the prompt being "I just... don't know. Honestly."

Both of them will be in bold

TERMS THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:

-> kanilehua: Motherfucker (I literally googled curse words in Hawaiian language so please forgive me if they are wrong 🤧)

-> okole: Butt/ Ass

-> budhiya: old woman in Hindi

Forgive me if I make any mistakes

10 years ago- Bryce's POV

"Aloha!!" Bryce's cheerful voice ran clear through the hallways as he approached his teammates, instantly capturing the attention of the people.

"Hey Bryce, my man." Jason, his best friend stepped forward and did a complicated handshake with him before patting his back.

"How was the summer?" Kai, his other best friend spoke up as he leaned against the lockers, his dark hair falling on his eyes.

"You know the usual. Practice and stuff. My parents did take us to Australia. The waves there are sweet." Bryce whistled lowly, remembering how he spent numerous days surfing at sea.

"What a lucky bastard. Do you think your parents would adopt me?" Jason asked causing Kai to chuckle.

At this point, they would want anyone but me as their son. A dark look passed on his face but he hid it behind the over cheerful and happy go lucky mask.

"So, what's up with you guys?!" He asked, smoothly changing the topic.

Jason began. "Well I for one, had a fun summer hanging out at the beach, enjoying the sun-"

"-having flings left, right, centre." Kai completed the sentence, snickering.

"As if you weren't the one who fooled around more. You broke so many hearts, Kai!!" Jason rolled his eyes.

"But I finally settled down, unlike your unsettled ass." Kai exclaimed.

"50 bucks you will break up with him in ten days." Kai narrowed his green eyes and smacked the back of Jason’s head. 

"Wow, seems like I have some catching up to do." Bryce smirked.

Kai turned towards Bryce, suddenly serious. "Glad you brought it up. We have a proposition for you."

Bryce incredulously raised his eyebrow.

"Your two o'clock. Short brunette with glasses. Don't be too obvious."

Bryce ran his hand through his long hair and his amber eyes fell on the girl.

He leaned against the locker near Jason.

"What's her deal?"

"Apparently, she joined the school last year and has been on the low. Keeps to herself, certified nerd, teacher's pet and super uptight."

Bryce eyed her and he recognized that she was in his chemistry class last year.

Aisha Khurrana.

"Wait... That's Aisha. She was in my chemistry class last year. Introverted and quiet."

Jason did a double-take. "Wait really? Well, that makes it easier for us."

"Good. I will make y'all talk to her-"

Kai stopped him midway. "Woah, woah, woah. We don't want to interact with her. You are the one doing this."

"Will one of you kanilehua tell me what the fuck is going on?" Bryce asked, getting annoyed.

"After the legendary prank Ano pulled last year, it's time we step up. So while you were tanning your okole in Australia, Jason and I were brainstorming to come up with a better idea."

Jason continued. "So we decided that you could get her fall in love with you before the finals and boom! We could pull the prank on prom."

Bryce's eyed widened. "Woah, don't you think that's extreme?"

Kai rolled his eyes. "Please, Ano humiliated a teacher and exposed that he was having an affair with a junior. I don't think it's that extreme."

"What is this prank you have planned on prom?"

Jason waved his hand. "We haven't worked out the details but we have the entire year to do that. You on the other hand... Are running out of time."

Bryce's eyebrows furrowed. "And why can't either of you take this up?"

"Because Kai here is surprisingly getting cosy with Kaeo the jock from Sunset High while I am on the principal's radar for the shit I did last year. I am this close to getting expelled." Jason enunciated his point by touching his pointer finger and thumb.

"Jas... you're touching your fingers."

"Exactly."  

"So will you take one for the team?”

Bryce sighed. "I just... don't know. Honestly." 

“Bro, this could literally make or break our popularity bro. You don't want to be the laughing stock of the school, do you?" They asked with puppy eyes.

The peer pressure and the need to uphold his reputation as the golden boy made him raise his hands in defeat. His eyes glanced at the losers down the hall, who people were blatantly ignoring.

Definitely don't want to fall in that category.

"Fine. I will do it. But you will owe me."

"That's our boy." The boys whooped as they clapped his back.

Bryce's eyes wandered to his new target, finding her brown eyes staring right back at him. The flecks of hazel shone with curiosity but her face was impassive as if she didn't want to let anyone in.

Well, this is going to be an interesting year, Aisha Khurrana. Bryce thought to himself.

PRESENT

When Bryce woke up this morning, he didn't think his day would turn out this way.

Who would have fucking thought that the one girl you could never get over shows up at the hospital you are a surgical intern at?

Not me.

He was looking forward to this fresh start. A new city where no one knew who he was and he hoped it stayed that way. To hone his craft and become one of the best surgeons in the country. Anything to get rid of the stains on his name.

After Aisha left at the beginning of Junior year of high school, things were hard. Not that anyone was going to believe him but he actually loved her and no matter how many people he hooked up with, no matter how much he drank himself to oblivion, there was just no getting over her.

He often wondered- no believed that he had lost his one shot at love.

You only get one great love and of course, I had to blow it up, and for what? Popularity? Reputation? That already went down the drain because of my beloved dad.

When he finally got his head in the game and things were bearable, the scandal happened towards the end of the Senior year. Sure, he could hide face during the summers, lounging in his gaudy compound. But he could hear the occasional shouts and protests out of the gates of his home, reminding him that he couldn't escape the truth.

To distract himself from his dad going to trial, his mom selling out to the feds and his baby sister crying from the stress, he dove right into his studies, hoping to score well in his SATs so that he could get away from Maui.

But there was still one year of high school left, and that was fucking awful. He was relentlessly bullied at every turn of the corridor, got the stink eye from the teachers and people jumped away from him as if he was a social pariah.

Technically, I was.  

Though his parents were very tight-lipped about the details of the case, it wasn't that hard to get to know more from the internet. And the fact that the people in his school always made it a point to remind him.

Aisha's dad was one of the people who worked for the company that got screwed over by his dad.

Bryce had given up after all these years that he will ever find her again. He often wondered what would he do if he were to meet her again. The apologies he would say and the monologue on how ‘he was never the same after she left’ had been practised over and over again.

But right there she was, half-naked in front of him, completely at the loss of words. His eyes wandered, making sure if it was the same girl from tenth grade. There was a nose piercing and he saw a little ink near a hip.

"Aisha?" He repeated, completely shocked, his jaw dropped. Never in his entire life has he felt the loss of words.

They stared into each other's eyes, chocolate brown eyes meeting his amber ones, completely lost.

But that moment didn't last for long because Jackie shutting the locker made them realize that this was indeed reality.

Aisha managed to snap out of her reverie. "Oh my fucking god, I don't have time for this shit." She rapidly threw on her fresh sets of scrubs and slammed her locker before making a move.

Bryce stepped in her path, blocking her. "What are you doing here?!"

Her eyes snapped up to meet his, the familiar fire and hatred flooding in those brown orbs. "Well, I could ask you the same thing Mr. I-will-become-a-lawyer. Now out of my way, I'm getting late for the orientation." Though she was short (5 feet 3 inches to be precise), she still managed to slam her shoulder against his chest and walk away.

"Oh My God!!" Jackie's voice resounded after a few quiet moments.

"Put a cap on it nose wipe." He muttered as he rubbed the area where Aisha slammed against him.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yeah but that expression says it all." He rolled his eyes as put his stethoscope into his breast pocket.

"But, for real. Who is she?" Jackie asked, inquisitiveness laced in her voice.

Bryce flicked her nose. "I found your nose in my business, why don't you take it right out?"

"Ugh. Fine. Keep your secrets. C'mon, let us get to the orientation before it gets over."

"Yap. Right behind you."  The duo headed towards the main atrium and made their way towards the front so that they could hear the hospital chief. The rest of the interns were already gathered in front of the stairs upon which an impressive, statuesque woman stood and spoke.

That is Dr Harper Emery!! Bryce thought to himself, as the very thought of standing in the very same room as his inspiration made him giddy. He turned to talk but the excitement instantly vanished because thanks to his amazing luck, he ended up standing right next to Aisha.

The universe, what games are you playing against me? Bryce let out a sigh which caught Aisha's attention. She just gave an annoying glance and stared up, as if to ask why was this happening to her.

Both of them turned away from each other and focused on what Dr Emery was saying. "... because as of today, you are no longer students, You are doctors."

Aisha turned towards Jackie and whispered. "Psst. Who is that?"

Jackie whipped her head towards Aisha's short build. "I don't know if you are joking or are serious."

Aisha's ears getting red was the only confirmation Jackie needed. Her jaw dropped and she was physically incapacitated, unable to speak before she finally managed to string together words.

"Seriously? Did you learn medicine in the woods or something?"

Aisha's eyes narrowed and Bryce just knew that if he didn't intervene Aisha would absolutely roast Jackie and her lineage.

So, in a low voice, he spoke up. "That's Harper Emery, the hospital's new chief." A smile made his way on his face as he continued to talk about her. "She's a total badass! World-famous head of neurosurgery before she got promoted."

He turned towards Jackie, smirking. "Guess she's just a scalpel jockey too, huh?"

Giving a Cheshire grin she responded. "She's the only scalpel jockey who deserves rights."

Aisha gave a stiff nod before turning back towards the Chief.

Someone is definitely a ray of sunshine. Bryce thought to himself. His conscience promptly snarked. Bold of you to assume that this isn't your fault.

Brain... Stop. as he shook his head to shake off the guilt that slowly swirled in his chest.

"More will be demanded of you that you've ever experienced. Some of you will buckle under the pressure. Some of you will quit. But some... some of you will thrive."

"Damn... She is so inspiring... I feel like I can do anything." Aisha whispered, her brown eyes sparkling with admiration.

"Well then, can I inspire you to pipe down? I'm trying to listen."

"Can I inspire you to get your ears checked, budhiya?" Jackie looked offended but you could see the glint of amusement and respect in her eyes.

"Girls, can this fight wait until after the speech?" Bryce muttered.

"This is not fighting. This is us bonding scalpel jockey. Get on the same page." Jackie whispered causing Aisha to smirk.

"I give up. But please for the love of everything good can we keep it on the low." He shot a pleading look and they managed to shut up.

"You've been entrusted with a sacred duty: the care and wellbeing of every man, woman and child who enters this hospital. Are you ready?"

The interns promptly burst into applause and they look around, sharing excited smiles with their new colleagues.

Harper Emery raised her hand, to silence the applause. "You'll be introduced to your senior residents tomorrow but for now, you'll be partnering up for your first patients. Your assignments are posted on the board. Good luck, doctors!!"

Bryce swaggered up to his board and searched for his name and found out that he was paired with a Samantha.

Wait for a second... that name sounds fami-

"You?" He swirled around towards the feminine sound and as soon as his eyes landed on her, the memories hit him.

Him running his hands through her hair whilst they kissed passionately against the door of her apartment. Her running her hands down his abs and pulling him by the loops of his belt. Both of them lost in the sensation of each other and Bryce still had the scratch marks on his back to remind him of the amazing night they had the previous day.

"Sam? I didn't know you worked here!!"

"Well fate is a funny thing, isn't it? So apparently we are partners?"

"Yap and we need to take our cases from the residents and be on our way. Are you ready?" Bryce asked, a smirk playing on his lips.

"I was born ready baby." Sam winked as she started pushing her way through the throng of interns and Bryce followed suit.

When they finally were free, Jackie showed up next to him followed by Aisha and another girl who had a striking resemblance to Chief Emery.

"See you later meathead."

"Try not to miss me too much." He winked before glancing towards Aisha. Their eyes met and she immediately looked the other way, chatting with her partner.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun, shall we?" Sam asked her eyes twinkling which just made Bryce smile.

-------------------------------------------------------------

It was going good so far. He had been allotted two cases that day. One with a routine appendectomy and the second one being a benign tumour removal from the right lung. With a cool, calm collected mind, the two of them diagnosed the patients, raising eyebrows.

"Dr Lahela, what is the treatment plan?" Dr Tanaka, the head of cardiovascular surgery asked.

"Well we are administering her with tumour shrinking drugs like bromocriptine so that we could decrease the size and then after a couple of days we will take her for surgery."

Dr Tanaka gave a nod of appreciation. Sam turned and held the young patient's hand. "Miss, you are in good hands and if you have any more questions you can always ask for us."

"Thank you so much, Dr Anderson."

They stepped out of the room and Bryce shut the door behind them.

"Keep an eye on her and do checks every four hours. Good job." Dr Tanaka turned on his heels and only when he was out of earshot Sam fist-bumped Bryce.

"The surgical society is back at it again."

"God Sam that was awful." He groaned as he pulled his pen out to sign the charts.

"Well, that just means I need to keep thinking of names for the dynamic duo. See you later byeee."

He shook his head and gave the charts to the nurses' station before whistling down the confusing corridors of Edenbrook when suddenly he heard a thud sound from the nearby supply closet.

Must be a doctor who is not having a good day.

He stopped before the door, contemplating whether he should enter or leave but his instinct to help overpowered and he cracked open the door to see Aisha leaning heavily against the racks, her back towards him. Her shoulders were shaking and he could hear her heavy breathing.

He was about to leave unnoticed when Aisha’s voice wafted over to him. “get in or get out. Don’t hold it open.” She glanced towards the door and Bryce knew that he could kiss his unnoticed exit goodbye.

Oh boy. 

Oh? so we have a new character 👀 And um that really wasn't the reunion Bryce was looking forward to lol

And now the supply closet yikes yikes yikes okay now i will shut up heheheh

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[beybladefanboy]

Top 5 Favourite Beyblade Characters

Random and unasked for but I figured I would talk about my favourite characters in the Beyblade Metal Saga.

#5 A tie between Chris and Hikaru

Chris

I’m putting these two in the same spot because I wanted both of them to be on this list and a “top 6” doesn’t have as good of a ring to it as a “top 5.” Anyways, the first time I watched Metal Fury, I didn’t care much about Chris. Now however, I find his arc of being stuck in a job that brings him no joy to be incredibly relatable. His lack of passion for Beyblade makes complete sense: the fun of the sport was completely sucked out when it became an obligation for him and he wasn’t allowed to fight for himself. He was completely obligated to his employer and had little choice in the matter. That would suck away anyone’s passion, trust me, I know. So seeing the light return to his eyes as he rediscovered his passion for Beyblading was incredibly satisfying.

Hikaru

A lot of the appeal of Hikaru is admittedly that she is a female blader, and yeah, it is great having a strong female character. (We need more of those) What’s great about Hikaru however is that she isn’t just a token girl character or a mary sue: she is treated the same as any other blader and is allowed to fail and feel emotions without being degraded. I like that we even see a bit of her backstory where we learn that she is driven to be the best blader because of her likely deceased mother’s words. It’s a shame that she quit Beyblade due to her trauma but I also think it’s understandable and that it was interesting to explore that trauma. The moment that broke my heart rewatching Metal Masters was when Hikaru sees Dark Tsubasa and is paralyzed by terror, clearly remembering what Ryuga did to her. Beyblade’s most powerful scenes to me are the ones that delve into a character’s mind and allows me to see their thoughts and feelings. It allows me to understand and be more attached to the character and we got a lot of that from Hikaru and Chris.

#4 Yuki

Yuki is kind of underrated in my opinion but then again, so is the entirety of Metal Fury. Yuki was a really fresh character for the series. Nearly every character is extremely reckless: acting first, thinking later so it was really refreshing to see a character who overthinks everything to the point of anxiety. I just relate more to a character that doubts himself and has to fight to overcome not just the great evil but his own self-doubt and fear as well. Also, I love that scene where he fights Ryuga. He probably knows he doesn’t stand a chance against a guy like him but he doesn’t care because he’s fighting for his friends. I can relate to that. When I’m just doing something for myself, I tend to doubt and question myself but when I’m standing up for my friends, I show no mercy. So yeah, Yuki is a really relatable character, as well as a pure cinnamon roll that needs more love.

#3 Kyoya

If you asked who my favourite Beyblade character was two and half years ago, I would’ve answered “Kyoya” without any hesitation. While I do still really like him, I think his character was kind of fumbled in Metal Fury. I’ll talk about that separately though because I want this to be a positive post. Still, Kyoya is a great character. I like how he develops from a villain to that one liner asshole friend of Gingka’s. While I do like him unironically, Kyoya is honestly just funny to me. He is so ridiculously arrogant about his own skills but he actually is as good as he says he is. He’s also a tsundere. He’s absolutely a tsundere. He’s always helping his friends with whatever bullshit they’re doing: helping them infiltrate the Dark Nebula, going to look for Gingka when he disappears, helping them infiltrate Hades city, going with them to look for the Legendary Bladers, and on two separate occasions, staying behind to fight someone so the others can go forward. Even his determination to beat Gingka feels more like friendly competition than actual malice. And yet he insists he doesn’t care about them with lines like, “It’s not like I came to save you or anything.” It’s honestly kind of majestic. He’s also a complete badass. He always gets back up after a loss and fights to the bitter end and, sometimes to the detriment of himself but never his Beyblade. When Leone was on the verge of breaking to pieces in The Fearsome Libra, he forfeited the match to stop that from happening, risking humiliation and accepting defeat to do the right thing. That is genuinely admirable. It takes courage to fight but even more courage to admit defeat. Also, his fight against Ryuga in Metal Fusion is insane. Kyoya nearly falls so many times but keeps himself on his feet and rises up again. It takes being stabbed in the heart by the dark power for Kyoya to be defeated. Out of everyone, Kyoya came the closest to defeating Ryuga through sheer will and determination alone. What a badass.

#2 Tsubasa

Similar to Yuki, Tsubasa is also a pretty unique character for this series. While he is passionate about fighting like all the others, Tsubasa is much more thoughtful and cool-headed, which is appealing especially among a cast of hot-headed crazy characters. When Tsubasa is first introduced, he’s kind of a mystery. We don’t know his true intentions or alignment until we learn that he was working for the WVBA, about 15 episodes after his initial introduction. This unpredictability made him interesting to watch in Metal Fusion as I didn’t know what he was going to do next. Then in Metal Masters, he becomes even more interesting. While it was emotionally intense to watch, I think the “Dark Tsubasa” arc is one of this series’ greatest achievements. It revealed a completely new layer of personality to Tsubasa and gave him so much development. 

While he was being somewhat controlled by the dark power, it is made clear through the dialogue that that side of him was always there and the dark power just enhanced and unmasked it. He did often hide his true emotions and intentions in Metal Fusion after all. The scenes where Tsubasa interacts with his dark self are very interesting and relatable to me because I often try to hide my negative emotions and avoid situations where they might come out until those feelings fester into madness, which is essentially what Tsubasa did. However, the resolution to this arc is what makes it so special to me. Tsubasa doesn’t drive out the darkness or continue to repress it: he accepts the darkness as part of who he is because everyone has darkness in them and the way to control it is to become one with it. And in the end, he becomes a stronger blader and person as a result of this arc. This is legitimately inspiring and helpful to me. It’s important to remember that we are not defined by our worst thoughts/feelings, we are defined by how we handle them and accepting ourselves, flaws and all, is important. So really that arc alone makes Tsubasa one of my favourite characters but he also has an appealing personality as well. It’s a shame he was kind of underused in Metal Fury but I love what we got from him.

#1 Ryuga

Yeah, okay, this was obvious. Take one look at my feed or even my profile picture and you could probably guess that I love Ryuga. Two and a half years ago, I hated him with a passion but after rewatching the show again, I realized I only really hated him because of what he did to Hikaru, Tsubasa, and Kyoya which yes was horrible and I don’t condone it in any way but he was under the influence of the dark power at that point and he never does anything quite that awful again. Anyways, onto the positives. Ryuga in Metal Fusion is the best villain the show ever had. He poses a significant threat and was the first person to legitimately defeat Gingka. He’s also a terrifying sadist that cackles at others’ pain. If Ryuga had stayed like that, I would probably still like him as a character but I certainly wouldn’t have developed a crush. Damn, that would’ve been nice. But alas, even in Metal Fusion, Ryuga is somewhat sympathetic when you remember that he is just a kid and was both used by Doji and not even in full control of himself because of the dark power. He is seen trying to resist its control in the final battle after all. It’s interesting to see a character who is literally corrupted by the power he sought out and actually does learn from his mistake. In Metal Masters, he realized that humans’ greed and hatred was what caused the dark power to be so harmful and decided to draw the power from its original source, before it was tainted by humans, and became super powerful. Even if you hate Ryuga, you have to admit that is awesome. And once he stopped being a sadistic villain, he became much more unpredictable as sometimes he would even help the main heroes in Metal Masters, albeit for selfish reasons. Ryuga sort of feels like a combination of traits I liked most in Tsubasa and Kyoya. He has the unpredictability and loner attitude of Tsubasa and the confidence and determination of Kyoya. Also, I don’t think I need to say that Ryuga is a badass. That’s not even an opinion: it’s something that we all know to be a fact. I mean, this is the guy who launched his Beyblade at a floating city, wrecking it enough to send it crashing into the water and causing a reactor meltdown that nearly destroyed the earth. That last part was unintentional and in all fairness, he did help stop the end of the world, but still, he is both powerful and reckless enough to do something like that. He was kind of frustrating in Metal Fury but I did like his friendship with Kenta and while his blind pursuit of power was annoying, I gotta admire the ambition. And… yeah, I cried at his death. I cried harder at that than anything else in this show at any other point I watched it, including when I was a kid even though I knew it was coming. Even though his motivations for fighting Nemesis were far from righteous, he still died trying to defeat the great evil and his final act was giving Kenta the star fragment to give the heroes the chance they needed to win. Ryuga died a hero, plain and simple. I wish he had lived so we could see him develop even more after that moment but either way, Ryuga is a great character. He’s the best villain in season one and I love his fiery personality and aesthetic in the following seasons.

[thatsbucknasty]

she used to be mine (v) waitress au

summary: Inspired by the broadway musical. Y/N Beck is a pie baking force to be reckoned with. She’s pregnant with her lazy ass husband, Quentin Beck’s baby. As everything around her turns upside down, Doctor James Buchanan Barnes charms his way into her life.

pairing: Y/N x Bucky

I will put some warnings in the tags cause I don’t want to spoil everybody but I feel like there are sensitive topics in this one, so go ahead and check the tags!

chapter 5: you will still be mine

You’d think that having an unplanned pregnancy, an unemployed lazy husband and an exhausting job that underpays would be just enough to realize you’re having a bad year. But now, on top of that, said unemployed lazy husband’s truck broke down and I just can’t afford to fix it right now, he’s asking for money cause he already took it to the shop without consulting with me, and it’s not like I can just give him my savings.

He was out all night yesterday, drinking I assume. I have to tell him I’m pregnant. And also, I have to walk to work and to my doctor’s appointment later today, because I can only afford one bus ride per day and usually it would be the one back home from work cause Quentin would drive me in the morning. Life’s just fine and dandy isn’t it?

I’ve seen those videos where women will make a big deal showing their spouse the little pregnancy test and record their reaction. It usually involves tears and hugs and all things pretty, and I can’t help but feel like I’m never gonna have that kind of life. The one with balloons and cake and glitter for the gender reveal party and the baby shower. And I’ve never even wanted those things, but I’m pretty sure Quentin’s reaction will be the farthest from tears and hugs and all things pretty.

-

“Morning, Y/N, you’re late again. It’s the third time this month”. Sam looks angry at me from the counter, at least he’s back to his grumpy self but I feel bad nonetheless.

“I am so sorry Sam, I swear I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I had to walk and you know 4th street’s closed and-

“Hey, calm down girl. I understand. I know y’all think I’m rude and moody all the time but I just like teasing ya... if you ever need help I can give you a ride in the morning”. Great, now even Sam is pitying me.

“And I know what you’re thinking. ‘He’s pitying me’”, he rolls his eyes at me, “but I care about you girls despite all of our bickering. I’m just offering my help cause we’re pals, aren’t we?” He offers me a cup of coffee and I decline but sit down on the stool.

“Why aren’t you drinking coffee Y/F/N?” Oh shit.

“I uh, I-” Shit, shit, shit.

“Y/N?, tell me what’s going on?”

“Fuck, Sam, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We are pals, we are! But I didn’t want Nick to know cause I thought he might fire me. I’m pregnant”. I finally sigh and hide my face in my hands, trying hard not to cry in front of him. “God, this is embarrassing”.

“Hey! There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. I understand, actually a lot of things make sense now. The girls know, don’t they?” I hum my answer, my face still in my palms.

“Have you told Quentin yet?” I shake my head and look down at the orange juice he puts in front of me instead of the usual coffee, huh, he can be nice when he really wants to.

“You’re in a real conundrum, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am. He hasn’t been working for the past three months. He didn’t come home last night and we fight almost every day. I don’t know when I’ll start showing but my uniform barely fits and my feet are swollen from walking here. It’s just a matter of time until he notices. I can barely afford my doctor’s appointments. Oh! And I might have a tiny crush on him”.

“Your doctor? Wasn’t he married?”

“How did you- nevermind. Well, he’s getting a divorce, but I am married so nothing’s gonna happen either way”.

“Jesus, I wish I could do something to help you. My offer on the ride still stands, okay?”

“Thank you, Sammy. You’re very kind but knowing my husband, he would never allow it. He’d rather I walk with my swollen feet everyday and I don’t wanna fight with him. I’m just so tired”.

“Y/N, I know this ain’t my place but, why are you still with him?”

“I honestly don’t know anymore. I keep making up reasons when Nat tells me to ‘leave his ass’ but I can’t think of any more good ones”.

-

The diner was very quiet today, most Tuesdays it is because Al’s Pancake World has a discount. Sam swore he’d keep the secret about my little crush. I just don’t want Nat to have more material for insisting I should leave Quentin right now. And now I’m walking over to the doctor’s office.

The air tonight is so crisp and I appreciate how summer is about to end. Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. I can’t wait for the diner to smell like pumpkin pie every day. Speaking of pie, I brought Bucky some leftovers.

“Good evening, Y/N. Oh gosh, you brought pie?” 

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“I’m starting to think I should give you something back, you really didn’t have to”.

“Oh don’t worry about it, it’s just some leftover ‘Kick in the pants pie’, I know, the name’s a little too aggressive but I had a bad week, don’t judge”.

“No one’s judging here. But care to explain the name?”

“I just- I had a fight with my husband earlier, and whenever I wish I could do something that’s not very nice, I just make it into a pie, you know… to express my feelings in a non-violent way”.

“So you wish you could kick your husband’s crotch but you made a pie instead, got it”. It’s insane and we both laugh about it for a minute and he leans back into the exam table. This is nice, having a friend who I can openly talk about my issues with. Wait, are we friends?

“Do you and your husband fight a lot?”

“Um… why are you asking me this?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just- stress is bad for the baby and, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay”, I lean into the exam table next to him, close to him, “we do, we fight a lot. He drives me nuts, and I’m a pain in his ass. That’s just us I guess”.

“I get it. I was a pain in Dot’s ass too”, he scoffs out a cynical laugh and looks at me, “guess she couldn’t deal with that anymore”.

“Can I ask what happened?”

“You can, but I wouldn’t know how to answer. She just got up and left one day. Said she got an internship in New York and we weren’t working anymore, so- she didn’t even give me a real reason, nor a chance to work things out”.

“I’m sorry, Bucky”.

“It’s fine. We always wanted different things. I was raised in a small town and when I went to Chicago for college I was miserable. But I met Dot and I thought life in a big city wouldn’t be so hard if I had her by my side. But then she wanted to do even bigger”.

“Like New York?”

“Yeah. I’m not cut out for that. I love this little town of yours, always did”.

“Oh, so you’ve been here before?”

“Yeah, my grandparents lived here and I would come visit for the holidays. You actually remind me of my grandma”.

“Gee, thanks?” He throws his head back laughing.

“No, I mean because she used to bake like, ten different pies for Thanksgiving. She loved baking. And she was also a little-” He eyes me sheepishly and makes a face.

“A little what, huh?” I smack his arm and try not to laugh at his stupid, cute antics.

“Well, a little strong willed?”

“That’s a euphemism for stubborn”.

“Yeah, it is”. He has the audacity to smirk at me and I can’t help but smile because he says it in a way that feels like a compliment.

Bucky finishes the examination and tells me he’d like to see me again in three weeks. He opens the door for me and we do a little dance of who gets out first. We laugh at each other’s clumsiness and I feel like a teenager. He smells nice, like always. I say goodbye and I find myself hoping the next three weeks go by quickly. I glance at my watch and notice the time. Fuck, has it really been two hours? My appointments usually last thirty minutes tops.

-

“Hi, Y/N”. Fuck, he’s here already?

“Jesus, Quentin, you startled me. What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to see the game at Phil’s tonight”.

“Yeah? And I thought you were supposed to come home early, you said no extra shifts on Mondays”.

“I- I was-”

“Now don’t lie to me, cause I found your money! That’s right, I did! Why were you keeping money in the closet, huh? I took the money, paid Carl to fix the damn truck and drove over to Nick’s and you weren’t there. That angry redhead chick said you left early, so where, the fuck, were you?” He grabs an empty bottle of beer and throws it against the wall.

“Quentin. Stop it, you’re scaring me! Calm down!”.

“I won’t calm down until you tell me where you were!” He grabs another bottle and raises it above his head, aiming straight at me, I’m frightened and I don’t know what else to do but-

“I’m pregnant!”

Silence. Complete and utter silence. He lowers his arm along with the crystal bottle he’s holding. Tears cascade down my face silently and I can’t help them. I hate crying in front of Quentin but he truly scared me. He’s never been violent towards me. Sure he yells a lot but he never gets like this, and I’m sure he would’ve thrown that bottle at me if I hadn’t told the truth.

“Please say something”.

“You can’t be pregnant, Y/N, and if you are it isn’t mine”. He whispers and I don’t know if I heard him right. I’m at a loss for words for a few seconds.

“Why would you say such a thing? It is yours!”

“No it isn’t! I don’t want it!” He’s yelling again and his words break my heart. If I had the smallest belief that he actually cared for me, it’s gone.

“Quentin? Do you remember that night I went to the Stark’s party with you and we both got drunk? You were wearing your fancy blue shirt with the grey tie, and I had that red dress that you like. This baby is yours. And if you-”

“No, it isn’t! I said it isn’t, Y/N. I- I can’t do this with you, I can’t and I won’t!

“What are you talking about?!”

“You remember Alice? You met her at that party”.

“Right, mini skirt girl, I remember. What about her?”

“She and I-” He looks down at his feet and then back into my eyes and I see it.

“No”. My blood begins to boil. This bastard!

I feel a huge knot in my throat and I can’t breathe. All this time I’ve been grasping for something, anything. Clinging for this marriage to work. Feeling guilty about baking a stupid pie for my doctor, when he’s been sleeping with some girl who’s probably ten years younger than him?!

“No!” I grab the nearest object and throw it at him. And of course it’s a fucking pillow- “Get out! Out, I said! And don’t ever come back!” He’s backing down, opening the door and I yell at the top of my lungs, I don’t care if the neighbors hear me- 

“That money you stole from me was for the doctor’s appointments and the hospital bills, I saved up all of that for this baby, your baby, alone!  And you’re gonna pay me back! I kept a roof over your fucking head, paid for your fucking beers and you cheated on me? If you ever come near me or this baby I will kill you, you hear me?”

I grab his keys and put them on my apron’s pocket.

“And I’m keeping the stupid truck!”

He leaves, on foot, and just like that I’m a single mother. 

“AH!”

What is this? The most terrifying pain strucks my pelvis and I feel a discharge in my underwear. No, no. Baby don’t do this. We are gonna be fine, you and I. I promise. Please. Don’t.

-

chapter 6: a soft place to land

a/n: pls reblog if you liked it c: and don’t kill me, I promise fluff is coming!

[nevergoinganywherearewe]

Somewhere Only We Know

He’d known coming back would give him what he needed. He’d also readily admit he’d forgotten the particular taste of salt in the air before the drizzle and breeze would give way to stormy seas and angry clouds full of thunder.

This was were he’d always found solace before, though. Almost 20 years later and a good few inches taller, this apparently hadn’t changed.

There, on a secluded part of the island where tourists never treaded and even islanders had limited access to, there was a small little beach house - a cottage really. Old, but sturdy. Small, but charming. A little wooden porch, eroded in some places, looked out over the stretch of beach and rocks the sea lapped against, its waves growing with the tide and a fast approaching storm.

The havoc to come from above was almost laughable in comparison to the one that had wreaked havoc in Type though, before coming to rest on the very steps he hadn’t moved from for hours at this point.

Type went ‘missing’ a few days after an unexpected...episode not quite 5 years into the last bad memory of childhood trauma that had felt fresh with every nightmare. Years into therapy, the trauma (or rather his explosive response to it) had subsided but it had taken incredible effort, much like the waterline fighting for every inch against the tide - it would never be truly gone as it had become a part of Type he’d come to understand made him who he was and that was something he could live with.

Now, all that was left of this fight were annual check-ins with his therapist and the odd dream chased away by a warm circle of arms as well as the occasional video call with Tar later than appropriate if it were anyone else. Of course, it would probably remain an eternal scar but Type was dealing with it as best as he could. 

Granted, the most recent episode hadn’t lasted for long but the impact had been much bigger due to both the intensity as well as the fact that it had been quite a while. This paired with the recent move to their ‘forever home’, as Tharn had affectionately called it, had flared a kind of homesickness in him. Type suspected this longing for home was also instrumental as to why he’d found himself on the steps he’d last seen when he was small enough to need a stool to reach the upper cupboards of the cottage’s small kitchenette. No secret place Khom’s parents had ever hidden sweets in had ever been safe from Type.

So Type had gone back home - the island he grew up on - but not to visit his family home; that would come later. Instead, he’d gone to the only place Type’s parents had never known about. He’d needed to go to a place that connected him to the few things capable of rooting him back to the ground that were not Tharn or, oddly enough,  Tar’s small studio atelier in Paris. So, Khom’s family cottage it was.

With the warm wind in his hair and his eyes closed to lose himself to the song of waves that had accompanied him, a trusted companion, through his childhood. Eyes closed, Type centered himself on the white noise of water rushing against the shore and slowly distanced his thoughts from the chaos he’d dragged with him from Bangkok. The tension in his shoulders unraveled, bit by bit. He fully found back to himself when a hand softly settled onto his shoulder, startling him out of his quiet solitude - opening his eyes, Type’s gaze settled on Khom, who carried a mug in hand, cocoa by the smell of it. Type smiled as memories of skinned knees and soaked clothes accompanied by childish laughter flooded his consciousness. 

Type must have been pretty out of it not to have heard Khom come in the back entrance and roam around in the drawers. But he was grateful it was his old friend. He was not quite surprised Khom was the one who found him either. After all, Khom had given him the only set of spare keys the day he’d left for uni all those years ago, and for this precise reason - a safe heaven to return to. Back then, Type had never thought he would actually make use of it but had nonetheless appreciated the gesture.

Wordlessly, Khom joined Type on the porch and handed over the mug before looking out onto the sea and quietly waiting for Type to speak, his own silence companionable. Khom was one of the few people who knew, come hell or high water, Type in a mood would sooner leave than talk if pressured. So, wait he would.

“Thanks,” came Type’s voice, a scratchy, rough sound from not having used it in a few days, most likely.

“I figured that, if you’d ever make use of the keys, you’d probably appreciate mom’s trusty recipe.”

Sipping slowly, never quite taking off his eyes from the shoreline, another moment passed before Type spoke again.

“How did you find me?”

“Aow, Type...give me some credit. You may have left the island a while ago but I am still your best friend.”

“.......don’t tell No.”

“Oh, he already knows. Trust me. We had a whole drunken thing about it at your last birthday party. He’s one of your best friends, I was simply the first. He’s not mad about it.”

Type looked apprehensive but Khom’s tone was too calm, a subtle note of mirth in it, to spark any real doubt he was lying to reassure Type.

Khom continued, scratching the side of his nose, “Besides, we’re all grown up by now, Type,” and upon Type’s less than convinced look, he added “sure, some more than others but we’re all way past the friend-pulling stage, don’t you think?”

Type was sure there were some people who would never get past that stage, but luckily none of them were people he knew, so he didn’t bother to speak.

Khom watched Type take another sip. At the rate he was going, Type’s cocoa could only be lukewarm by now. Type’s silence marked an end to this particular line of discussion and a peaceful quiet washed over them.

For a while, that was how they stayed: shoulder to shoulder, watching the rain fall, the droplets disappearing in the sea by the thousands without ever making it rise. It was in a deliberately hushed question that Khom broke their silence.

“What happened?”

“The usual. Just...it’s been a while. Took me by surprise.”

Khom nodded to himself and turned his body a fraction closer to monitor Type’s facial expressions a bit better, subtly.

“...Do you...want to talk about it?”

Type took a while to respond. Khom almost thought he hadn’t heard the question over the waves growing more ferocious by the minute but then...

“Honestly? I don’t know what to say...or where to start.”

Khom huffed out a chuckle.

“Well, you know what they say. Maybe start at the beginning?”

It took Type a while to gather his thoughts and even then the words only came out very hesitantly.

Type had been sent to one of the company’s warehouses fairly later than usual, tasked with picking up some important samples. As his visit came mostly unannounced and the guy on closing duty hadn’t noticed someone entering the warehouse after his troupe was done for the day, the guy turned off the lights leaving Type completely blind, surrounded by nothing but pitch black darkness. 

This made the sound of the heavy metal doors slamming shut all the more jarring. It was this unfortunate combination of sounds and environmental impressions that triggered memories of the personal hell of his childhood.

“And suddenly I was back there, Khom. I was eleven again and tied to that chair...or at least it felt like it.”

Khom winced in sympathy but didn’t want to interrupt.

“I couldn’t breathe and when I eventually came to I was just cowering on the ground. I don’t know how long I was in there, honestly...but I eventually started knocking on what I thought was the door. The security guard must have heard me and let me out. I don’t really remember how I got home but next thing I knew I had packed some stuff and was on the ferry.”

The silence between them now was heavy. Khom knew about what had happened to Type, but he still felt at a loss at how he could help.

“Okay...but are you feeling better now?”

“....I’m getting there? I think.”

“Can I help in some way?”

“You are helping already. I’ll be fine, just sitting here is enough.”

Assured by Type’s response, Khom shifted and rested his head carefully and slowly against Type’s shoulder - giving Type an out if prolonged touch still proved too much. Khom’s hair had gotten long enough to tickle Type’s chin, drawing an involuntary smile from him.

“So, your man likes the shaggy look?”

Khom barked out a small laugh and punched Type’s thigh lightly. 

“You know it suits me, don’t deny it, you ass.”

Khom couldn’t see it from his position but he would bet his husband’s whole-ass TikTok account but he only does cover dances of girl groups (and he’s damn good at it too) that Type had his trademark smirk on his face - the idiot.

“Does Tharn know I’m here?”

“Take three guesses who called me for help because a certain someone disappeared without warning and ... well, he knows you, Type.”

Khom felt Type nod slowly and could hear the cogs turning in his head, worry creeping into their crevices.  

“I told him you were safe and I’d call him once you’re ready to be picked up,” Khom added in an attempt to stop Type’s worries from manifesting any further.

“...thanks, really, Khom. I mean it.”

Well ... that just ruined the mood, Khom thought and laughed.

“Love you too, stud.”

“Oh, shut up.”

[smilingoceanlover]

January 2020 - Fanfic Shoutout

My January 2020 fanfic shout out goes to @scapegrace74-blog.  I would be hard pressed to find a more appropriate way to start off a new year and a new decade of XF fic than by dedicating a post to this talented and entirely underrated gift to this fandom.  You guys, why is she not talked about all the time?!   

I’ve been reading fic since the OG, yet I discovered her entirely by accident – or was it fate? – via a reblog of a post that mentioned she was writing a character study about Mulder (it’s called Perushim and is a WIP) with a link to her Ao3. 

Someone is writing a character study of Fox William Mulder, FBI’s most flawlessly handsome unwanted?  Yes, please!   So I added her to my list of authors to check out.

In addition to achingly beautiful and melodic prose, smart in-character dialogue, and the ability to plot an interesting storyline (and then actually make it interesting while telling it!),  the aspect of her fic that I am most impressed by is her Mulder.  In an effort to highlight and make Scully more sympathetic, I find that many writers resort to emasculating, infantilizing, or dumbing Mulder down.  I don’t see Mulder like that, so it is such a joy to find an author who really gets Mulder in the way David Duchovny actually embodied him.  Thank you for bringing us fic that’s about Mulder, not some moronic overgrown child who looks like him and has the same name.

 At this point in my shout out I ordinarily quote my favorite lines, but a great many of my most favorites would be completely spoiler-y.  I’ve taken care to find lines that I wilted over for varying reasons, but shouldn’t spoil anything, and I will present them with zero context.  These lines certainly don’t do her work justice, not even in the slightest, but I loved how they were written and the context they were in within the narrative.   Thank you @scapegrace74-blog​ for sharing your talent, please, please, keep writing!

 The Second Side of Light

AU that takes place on the Oregon trail, and is, without question, one of the most classically “romantic” Mulder and Scully stories I’ve ever read.  Picture me with my hand over my heart under the covers in bed while the rain poured outside sighing “ooohhhhhh my goodness that is soooooo romantic!!!!”  I’ve read about 5 or 6 chapters of this one over and over half a dozen times already.  

“Miss Scully …”  he was at a loss how to deal with this headstrong behaviour.  If she were a man, he would simply tell her to go to hell and be done with it.  He was used to operating alone, without the fetters that friendship or comity required.  Their association was not getting off on the right foot.

“Mr. Mulder, let me put this to you plainly, so that there are no further misunderstandings.   I mean to purchase two horses today.   And as I will be spending roughly half of all that my sister and I own in the world for those two horses, and as our very lives will depend on the reliability of those two horses, and as, up until yesterday, I did not know you from Adam, I intend to ride with you to the Comanche camp.   Now, shall we go?”

Completely nonplussed, Fox Mulder did the only sensible thing one could do when faced with a force of nature.  He helped her onto the back of his horse.

* * *

She let out her breath.  “That is beautiful.”

“I had a feeling you would understand.”

“And why is that, Mr. Mulder?”

“Because, Miss Scully, you respect the journey as well as the destination.  It is a rare gift to see beyond one’s viewpoint, and to open one’s mind to extreme possibilities.   You appear to possess it.”

She blushed at this unexpected praise.  She had not considered whether Mr. Mulder had formed any particular opinion of her.  He was so inwardly focused, she assumed he barely noticed her existence, but apparently that was not the case.

 Black and White and Red

The attention to detail and how she has woven the characters and scenes from the series into this early 1950s AU is amazing.  I’m still trying to figure out how she did it and how it works so well.  I honestly spent a lot of this one with my mouth open going “how in the hell did she even think of this?”   I’m now hopelessly sold on trying other AUs, too.  

“He was reading The Invisible Man late at night, the radio muttering quietly in the background for company, when there was a sharp knock at the door.  At first glance he thought it was a homeless waif, begging for shelter from the heavy spring rain, but then the light from the stairwell caught a pair of enormous blue eyes framed by amber wisps of hair and he recognized her.

“Mr. Mulder, I don’t know if you remember me,” she began.

“Of course.  Miss Scully.   Come in before you drown.”

Instead of taking a chair this time, she sat on his couch, touching the open spine of his book with shaking fingers.  As before, she scanned the room anxiously, and he realized she was looking for signs of degeneracy.  Besides the fact that he hadn’t washed his dishes from supper, there were none visible. It was just a simple basement apartment: cheap, untidy and smelling of warm dust and coffee grinds.

She took a deep breath and released it as words.  “I’ve changed my mind. About the pictures.  I… I want you to take them.  Of me.”

“That’s…” He didn’t get a chance to finish whatever thought he meant to articulate, because just then she stood, unbelted her knee-length coat, and suddenly there was a scantily-clad woman in his apartment.

She wasn’t completely naked, and somehow that made it worse.

Seventeen

This is the story of all of Mulder’s past sexual relationships.  I do not read /other fic for a lot of reasons, primarily because I’m just not interested.  However, I broke my rule because of how she consistently wrote Mulder in the other fics I’d read.  I just needed to take a teeny tiny peek to satisfy my curiosity.  An hour later, I had zero regrets.  Again, this one is mind boggling to me at how well it works.  I think because fundamentally this shapes the character of the Mulder that Scully fell in love with, so imperfect, intense, desperate, lonely, and utterly male.  

 He didn’t expect her to believe.  It wasn’t her disbelief that stung.  It was her unwillingness to listen.  He spent more time at work, researching the alien abduction phenomenon, wandering further and further off into darkness with each case.  

It wasn’t infidelity or contempt or ambition that ended them, although all three stood in the wings, licking their hungry lips.  It was neglect.  He loved her, but he loved his all-consuming search for the truth more.   She loved him, but she could only love in a concrete, three-dimensional world that he had left behind.   One subdued conversation, some tears, and she was gone.

He didn’t take off his ring. Not even when he was fucking another woman.  It was proof that he’d made a place for himself in that three-dimensional world for a little while.   A reminder that he’d failed at even the easiest love that could ever have been asked of him.

 * * *

“A word of advice, Fox?  As someone who has hundreds of hours invested in your mental well-being: until you’re absolutely certain that your feelings for Scully are real, for the love of god please don’t fuck her.”

[chcfasher]

okay i am so excited to get to plotting & interacting with all u cuties ! bare with me though , im also trying to study for a quiz i gotta take later tonight . anyways , i’m mia aka your resident masshole reporting for duty . i’m 20 years old ... will be 21 in june ( fingers crossed my Sad ass will be out of q*arentine by then ) . i go by she / her / dumb bitch pronouns & am very much so done talking about myself already . so lets get to my boy asher here who is ... how do you say ? a asshole ? a dirt bag ? a soft baby boi ? if you wanna plot & discord is easier for you shoot me a mssg @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 . lets goooo 💛

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒

full name: asher james bennett nickname: ash , aj birthday: march 25 , 1996 zodiac: aries hometown: madison , wisconsin ( click here to see his parents house / childhood home ) current residence: los angeles , california ( although he lives in the villa with everyone , before the year away he lived on his own & still owns the home , both because he loves the place and because it gives his family somewhere to go when they come out click here to see his house ) vehicle: 2017 jeep wrangler rubicon in black ( click here ) , 2019 maserati granturismo in red ( click here ) gender: cismale orientation: heterosexual , heteromantic relationship status: single ( it’s complicated ) family: tamara marie bennett-abbott ( mother ) , harrison charles bennett ( father , deceased ) , mason billings abbott ( stepfather ) , bradford sawyer abbott ( brother ) , stephanie anne bennett ( sister )  education: vocational highschool graduating from the culinary program , graduated ucla with a bachelor in management with a minor in food studies occupation: celebrity chef , tv personality  net worth: 19.7m height: 5′11″ weight: 161lbs tattoos: left arm ( x , x ) , right arm ( x , x  , plus the butterfly tattoo jack has ) , right hand ( x ) , right thigh ( x ) , left leg ( x ) criminal record: arrested ( x6 ) - simple assault ( x2 ) , assault and battery ( x1 ) ,  disorderly conduct ( x2 ) , criminal mischief ( x1 ) , criminal trespassing ( x2 ) , minor in possession of alcohol ( x2 ) , drug possession ( x1 ) drugs / alochol / smoking: yes , mostly marijuana though / yes / no moral alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: slytherin theme song: righteous by juice wrld (  a look at his mental health and the way it he attempts to cope ) & i am by james arthur ( deep dives into his view on himself and how outside opinions of him have effected the way he sees himself ) & empty space by james arthur ( instead of being about a girl this really encapsulates how the loss of his father has affected his life ) traits: charismatic , well-intentioned , affectionate , loyal , jocular , reckless , immature , flippant , short-tempered label: politicians son , miscreant , fuck boy , broken bird , mr. misunderstood , mama’s boy , epicure hidden talents: drawing , singing , master at rubiks cube , skilled card counter ( blackjack )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

asher was born just eleven months after his sister stephanie , to at the time lobbyist harrison bennett &  prosecutor tamara bennett . a menace as a child , he made dennis the menace look like a saint , basically . at first his parents hoped this was simply just a phase but as time went on it became very clear that  if it were a phase it was going on for much longer than his parents had hoped . his sister immediately taking on the spot of prodigal daughter , while asher took on the spot of black sheep of the family . this didn’t mean that his parents didn’t absolutely adore both of their children , because they did . both taking on daddy’s little girl & mama’s boy respectively , early on . 

around the time asher was seven both of his parents were up for office , his mother for district attorney & his father for u.s representative from wisconsin . the influx of cameras / eyes on the bennett family mixed with the level of stress both his parents were under completely put asher off from the world of politics . despite being in a family that had generational ties to politics on both sides . during a family appearance asher was captured on camera ( both video & photo ) putting up a piece sign behind his sisters head during a speech his father was giving . 

[ tw: death , suicide , loss of a parent ] when asher was twelve his father went on a boating trip with friend , call it a boys trip if you will . two days into the trip news broke of his father being in a major boating accident where harrison was the only one on the boat & was dead upon being found . it later was confirmed by the coroner that his death was likely a suicide .  the loss of harrison was hard on the entire family , it was easy to say it affected asher heavily having locked himself away in his bedroom for nearly a week only leaving his room to go to the bathroom & grab food that he’d return to his room to eat . later , when he returned to school he was suspended just in that school year three times . it was genuinely the beginning to the incredibly reckless version of asher , that we seen since .

despite his antics he played varsity football as a cornerback & varsity soccer as a midfielder . taking up sports at an early age , it was clear he was a born athlete who genuinely enjoyed a little competition . he also took an interest in culinary , he was very much so that kid standing on a step stool as he helped his parents in the kitchen . this interest turned into him attending a vocational / trade highschool instead of an ordinary public school , like he had in elementary & middle . 

when he was fifteen he started a youtube channel where he posted cook with me videos weekly & vlogged his experience within the culinary program at school .

during highschool his mom started getting serious with a professor at the local university . asher , of course , hated the idea of his mom replacing his dad and it took nearly two years & an engagement for him to actually sit down & listen to his mom about the situation . it wasn’t until then that he realized , mason , was supposed to replace his father ... it was simply his mom not allowing herself to get stuck in one place in life & fall into a spiral . once he actually heard her side he gave the guy a chance . turns out the two have alot in common & get along very well . he’ll never replace his father but he respects him none the less .

before he’d even graduated highschool , asher amassed over 1m subscribers , made appearances on the ellen degeneres show & rachel ray show . this was around the time he realized he wanted to turn his hobby into something more than that & hell he was good enough to do so . when graduation came , he’d already committed to attending ucla as a business major with a minor in food studies . 

soon after graduation he went on the show master chef , finishing as runner up , which was one hell of a feat given he’d been the youngest chef on the show . he enjoyed the experience & recognition the show gave him . 

while at ucla he continued to play football he was so good he was receiving national attention to the point where nfl scouts were looking at him . obviously he was still too young to go into the draft but they let him know , this was something that was more than on the table . it was definitely something he loved hearing but at the end of the day , the nfl was never really the goal for asher . so toward the end of his sophomore season when he was suspended for the rest of the season for getting arrested & charged with drug possession & criminal trespassing he took that as the excuse not to return the sport the following season .

this was not the first time ( we know it was not the last *wink wonk* ) asher was arrested . from the end of his middle school days throughout highschool he’d racked up four arrests . his first one taking place in eighth grade & the only reason the misdemeanor charges actually went through were because his mom asked for them to in hopes that it would scare asher from acting out in such a fashion ever again . unfortunately , his actions were rooted in much more than teen rebellion having never accepting or being able to cope with his father’s passing . the charges & arrests that would follow his mom was able to cover up & kind of bury them . that way word didn’t spread like wildfire about her reckless son .

not even a full year removed from football & he’d accepted a tv show offer from food network . a show called asher’s kitchen a primetime half-hour show where a new chef would come on each week if they beat asher in making a 3-course meal they win bragging rights & $20,000 , if they don’t they go home empty handed . despite the shows constant high ratings asher grew bored of the show & left after only two seasons . the network tried to replace him but quickly learned asher’s personality was what really carried the show .

in 2018 , he went on to open his first ever restaurant the smoking goat an american bistro with an upscale vibe in the heart of los angeles . the place is literally his baby & if you can’t find him you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll find him there . whether it’s catching up with regulars or big name celebrities coming through the doors , or throwing on a chef coat and cooking up some of his very own specials . 

around the time of his restaurant opening he started to let up on the youtube channel & it’s now been nearly two years since he’s uploaded & honestly has no intent on returning to the platform . in asher’s eyes , everything has a term limit & his youtube channels time was up .

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗 / 𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

the timing of his amsterdam arrest was to say the least , horrific . not only was he in talks with several networks ( fox , cbs , netflix , etc ) to have his own daytime food-focused talk show but his mother was at the beginning stages of her 2020 presidential campaign , which she had since put a halt to and decided to continue on with her tenure as a u.s senator from wisconsin . with the headlines of his arrest spreading like wildfire , the internet resurfaced many of his earlier transgressions , the networks inevitably put a halt to going any further in negotiation & the political realm began to turn their attention to the kind of parent the senator was to have a son so ... out of control ? her opposition questioning how she could run a country if she couldn’t so much as raise a law abiding son .

upon his release from jail he took a jet straight home to wisconsin . with the realization of how much harm he’d done to the bennett reputation he made the personal promise to stay away from the media ( no social media , no tv , nothing ) & be the son the political world expected from a politician . his mother ( who is emulated mostly after laura baker from all american ) nearly begged him not to halt his life as a way of personal punishment for his actions . but after months back home & away from the limelight , asher could see the tides turning back in his moms favor & no big network offer ( and there were quite a few that came his way after the news of his arrest subsided ) could pull him back out into the forefront . 

instead opening his second restaurant bennett’s  , an upscale bar & grill in the capital city of wisconsin . he also began work on a cook book that’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own but he’s yet to be anywhere close to finishing that . 

he has inevitably decided to come back & reunite with the bling ring a year later after his family sat him down & kind of had an intervention with him over his persistence to punish himself . claiming they feel he’s matured & gotten a good grasp on himself & that they don’t think he’ll fall into his bad behaviors again . ( spoiler alert: they’re going to be very wrong about this ... just saying / he’s going to return with the intent of being a better guy , being on the “ right track “ but lets be real it’s going to quickly spiral out of control as per usual ) . 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can probably tell this boy is no good . he’s the guy your parents warn you about , i swear , he will get you into so much trouble & bask in the glory of being the one to give you such an adrenaline rush . he’s big on being here for a good time & not a long time . he just wants to have fun , at any cost . he’s extremely goofy , the kind of guy to whip out some mediocre wrestling moves on you for the sake of getting attention . he doesn’t take much seriously ... until he does ? what im saying is homeboy has one hell of a short temper and once he’s flipped his fuse , he basically blacks out . the reason for this is because no matter how happy & full of life he’d like to come off he has this deep well of anger that swells in him ever since he lost his dad . also a topic that can get him clenching his jaw , do not under any circumstances bring up harrison bennett . very much so a mama’s boy , though , catch him facetiming his mom once a day to tell her how much he loves her & see how she’s doing . he can come off very uncaring at times , it’s easy to say he’s probably one of the most misunderstood people around . he comes off like a douchebag , like someone who has little regard for others & don’t get me wrong he often is both of those things but he isn’t heartless ? when he has time to sit back and think about the damage he does ... it hits him like a mack truck & he goes into a pretty dark place of feeling like he’s a villain but he wants to be the hero of the story ? not very big on apologizing , verbally . if he says sorry you can bet a smug grin is following behind the words . instead he’s big on buying things & even cooking to show he’s sorry . probably not the best way to go about things but this is asher we’re talking about here . he is a flirt & will fuck anything . that’s all i have to say about that . onto his friends ? whew are his friends his world . he is a big proponent of bros before hoes & is an extremely loyal guy - to his friends . a true ride or die type a guy , he’d help he hide a dead body without any explanation at so what happened . a big move now ask questions later kinda dude .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

BREATHE BY JAMES ARTHUR : he has a soft spot for her . he always has . she’s one of the only girls who doesn’t drool over him , they’ve never hooked up to any extent and that’s due in large part to her telling him from the beginning that the only way she’d give him a chance was if he straightened up his act & proved to her that he was worth her time . if there is a girl out there who can asher for the better , it’s her . but everytime she thinks she’s gotten him on the right path , she catches him either acting out or reverting to his fuck boy ways & getting with girl’s who he doesn’t have to put so much work into .

SAME SQUAD BY P-LO : let’s be real these three originated “saturdays are for the boys” . they’ve been boys for as long as they can remember . if you see one of them around you can rest assured the other two are in the vicinity . they’re the best of friends . they know everything there is to know about each other . all a bit reckless , but that’s what makes them such a fun trio . a very homiesexual bond takes place between these three & nothing & nobody could get between them .

CLOSE FRIENDS BY LIL BABY & GUNNA : they were once good friends , things spiraled past the point of their control , lines got blurred & then they were dating . the relationship as a whole was one no one thought would last . to give them credit things were good at first but after he cheated & she found out from a friend about it things started to go down hill . things only got worse when he was persistent in lying to her about the situation . she inevitably took him back & not too much later the arrest in amsterdam happened . before he was even released from jail , she was sent a video of him & one of his friends talking about sleeping with a prostitute . although it never happened the fact that was his intent was enough for her . his expectation was that because she forgave him before she’d wipe away the pain of him once again not having regard for their relationship & forgive him but she just couldn’t . when he came out to her forwarding the video to him , he decided to ignore the situation completely . the two have not had any contact for nearly a year & never really broke up or spoke about the situation . 

NO FRAUDS BY NICKI MINAJ & DRAKE & LIL WAYNE : the perfect ride or die squad . the media likes to say someone in the trio is dating at any point in time but , that’s just not the case . these three are always getting into something . the true depiction of always having your friends back . they will lie for each other , fight for each other , anything to prove their loyalty to each other .  

i also have some musing posts here , if you want to give that a look !

[a-heart-inscribed]

Girls Like You

Hey everyone. This was written for @kaunis-sielu‘s Music challenge! My song was Girls Like You by Maroon 5 (I requested it from my personal blog, @a-heart-adorned). Sorry it’s so late lovely, I’ve had a lot going on. This is actually the third version. The first I scrapped. The second is 14,932 words and I felt weird doing a multi chapter for this (but I might post that later since it is complete). And here is this one. Hope you all enjoy!

Marvel- Captain America

Reader insert- Steve Rogers x Reader

Word count: 2,035

Sitting back on the couch you press play on your move and settle in with the big bowl of fresh popcorn. It was going to be just you tonight, so you broke out your most comfortable pair of sweat pants and a baggy tee. The movie was about ten minutes in when there was a knock at your door. You paused the movie to listen and sure enough there was another knock.

You couldn’t help but feel a little leery because everyone you were close to who would know where to come to find you was busy tonight. Glancing at your room you make a quick stop in there to retrieve the hand gun a friend had given you and trained you with in case anything happened.

Moving to the door you positioned yourself, gun held at the ready. You jumped as another knock came. “Hello? Who is it?” You question, cocking the gun.

“Hey, it’s me. Sorry to surprise you.”

You know that voice and instantly un-arm the gun. Swinging the door open you look out. “Steve? What’s up? I thought you were on a date tonight…”

He takes you in with a bit of shock that slowly spreads to a grin. “Nice to see you putting Bucky’s gift to good use. Think I was a bad guy?”

You shrug. “No idea. I just knew all of you were busy tonight, Avengers stuff or personal stuff, and no one else should have been swinging by.” You move into your apartment and gesture for him to follow. “Come on in.”

“Well good thinking, about the gun. But next time, even if you recognize the voice, it’s probably a good idea to keep the gun ready and set before you answer.” He closes the door behind him and follows you towards the couch. “Just in case the real guys know how to use us against you.”

“Point taken.” You fold your legs under yourself as you sit, inviting him to join you. “So, again, what brings you by?”

He huffs as he sits next to you, taking some popcorn out of your bowl and eating it before responding. “Sharon and I broke up.”

“What?”

He nodded and ate a little more. “I showed up to pick her up and she wasn’t ready. She said we needed to talk.”

“Oh, that’s never good.”

“Yeah. Basically, she said we needed to be fair to both of us and that my heart wasn’t in it…” He glances at you quickly then looks away, “And some other stuff, too. But yeah. We’re done.”

“Steve I’m sorry…” Patting his shoulder you stand and hand him the popcorn. “This calls for more than popcorn, however. I’ll be right back. Want me to start the movie over?”

That is how you end up spending the evening, watching a movie, eating ice-cream straight from the pint, and emotionally supporting Steve Rogers, the Captain America, and your best friend. By the end of the movie he ends up with his head in your lap as you play with his hair. You two had always been comfortable with each other, something you know had bothered your romantic partners in the past and something you feel might have affect Steve’s as well. Since the day he walked into the coffee shop that you used to work at though the two of you had just clicked.

As the credits start to roll Steve sits up. “Well, I guess it’s getting late and I should go.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Steven. We are going to put on another movie and relax here. You just went through a break up and I intend to fully support you through it.”

“Honestly. Y/n, I’m not even that upset over it. I mean… Sharon was right. My heart wasn’t in it.”

“Still, you invested time and energy there. It is okay to mourn the loss of that. Plus, I like spending time with you, and it isn’t even that late, old man.”

He laughs and consents and the two of you have a pleasant evening in.

You’re surprised that he actually does take the breakup really well. Over the next few days you spend as much time with him as possible to try and be there fore him. It’s easy considering now you work at the Avengers tower, Tony had liked you and offered you a job, but still. Steve doesn’t really appear phased. In fact, he seems more himself and happy than before. You never though Sharon was bad for him, maybe a bit boring, but you start to think maybe this was for the best.

A few days late the two of you pick up lunch from one of the team’s favorite cafés. Steve does most of the work carrying almost all of the bags as you walk along. You label each team mate’s favorite meal and get them in the fridge for when they get back from their missions, training, and other work. Steve and you sit down to enjoy the specialty sandwiches you picked.

After a laps on conversation Steve gets a thoughtful look on his face before addressing you. “Y/n, why haven’t you dated anyone since you broke up with Colin last year?”

You almost inhale the bite of sandwich in your mouth and start coughing on it. “Wh- What?” You manage to choke out.

“Oh God. I’m sorry, you okay?” After you nod in the affirmative and down some water to stop the coughing he goes on. “Sorry, it’s just something I notice and… I wondered. Pretty, sweet girl like you… There has to be others interested. Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

Watching him as he blushes and looks down at his food you wonder. Was Colin right when he told you it was over because you were in love with Steve? “No, it’s alright. I guess it’s just that… the right one isn’t interested.”

Steve furrows his brow for a moment then nods. “Well then, he’s an idiot.”

Blushing you chuckle. “I guess… Are you interested in dating someone else after Sharon?”

He gawks at you slightly. “Oh! No… I…” He pauses for a moment as Tony walks in and the others start to join you. “Just no.” He finishes.

“Alright…” You change the subject when Peter Parker plops down one side of you, thanking you for lunch, and Loki on the other. Bucky joins Steve and soon your surrounded.

This conversation doesn’t come up again and you chalk it up to Steve trying to process his breakup.

A few months later you are hanging out with Steve in the team’s Livingroom watching a movie Steve had never seen before. The team and just returned from a pretty large mission and most had decided to just turn in for the night. Buck and Tony were up, one working out and one improving his tech, but other than that the two of you were alone. Steve said he had wanted the distraction to help get out of his head and had picked an easy movie. Aladdin.

Somewhere near the middle you move over closer to Steve to get warm. The heat of summer was fading, and it could get down right chilly fast, even in the tower.

Steve gives you a half grin after he looks at you from the corner of his eye and holds up his arm, gesturing you to move in close. After he puts his arm around your shoulder and pulls you in you start to adjust and snuggle into his side. The grimace that crosses his face doesn’t go unnoticed, nor does the way his side tenses up.

“Steve, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing Doll. Let’s just watch the movie.”

You pause it. “Steve.”

He just looks at you, trying to feign innocence.

“You promised.” Sighing you move to sit on the table in front of him. “Take off your shirt.”

He blushes a brilliant red before stammering. “Really I’m okay. It’s nothing.”

“Steven Grant Rogers, take off your shirt now, before I have to come over there and do it for you.”

The color drains a little from his face but his ears are still flaming red as he looks at you for a moment, mouth slightly parted and a million things flashing behind his eyes. Finally he swallows and nods. He sighs and looks away as he pulls it up enough to show you the gash on his side. It wrapped around from his back, just below his shoulder blade, down and around to the front above his hip bone. Several bruises surrounded it.

“Shit, Steve. You promised you were alright.”

“I am. It’s already way better. I’m a Super Solider, remember? I heal fast.”

“Still, did Banner or Strange look at this?”

“Both.”

“And?”

“They cleaned it up. Said to clean it again sometime to night and maybe put some dressings on it before bed and I should be pretty good by morning.”

Shaking your head, you get up to go get the first aid kit.

“What are you doing?” He asks as you sit back down next to him.

Slowly pushing his arm out of the way and making him lean forward a little you respond. “What does it look like? I’m cleaning and dressing this.”

“Y/n…” He stats to protest.

“Stop. Now behave.”

With a sigh he complies and pulls his shirt off. Somehow you forgot that cleaning this wound would get you up close and personable with Steve’s exposed torso and you have to fight to keep your cool. Holy hell, he’s beautiful. It takes 20 minutes to clean it up well and make sure all of it is well covered.

Steve pulls his shirt back on when you are done and turns to you. “Thank you, Doll. I appreciate the help.”

Nodding and trying not to blush you rush to stand and put the kit away. Unlucky for you, when you rush you tend to get a little clumsy, which Steve knows well as he often has to save you from yourself, and right now is no exception. You trip first over your own foot and then over Steve’s. He’s so fast, as always, and moves to break your fall. That is how you end up sitting in his lap, side against his chest, one arm around his neck and his around your waist.

“Hey you.” He smiles down at you and your face heats with a blush. Damn it.

“He- Hey.” You can’t take your eyes of his. “Thank you.” You whisper, not moving an inch.

Steve stares at you a bit, eyes moving over to take you in. Slowly shaking his head he sighs. “God, I’m the idiot, aren’t I?”

It takes you a moment to realize what he is talking about, and when you do you can barely get out one word. “Yeah.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.” He gives you a cheeky grin. “Truth is… I always was interested. I didn’t know how to tell you without screwing this up.”

You blink up at him for a moment and then suddenly his lips are on yours. It only takes a moment for you to respond by tightening your arms around him and kissing him back. Steve moves one hand to the back of your neck, entwining his fingers into your hair. His kiss is easy and slow, passionate and reverent all at once. As his hand moves slowly along your side you moan softly, and he swallows it hungrily and grips your hip.

You almost jump out of your skin and the two of you pull apart when someone clears their throat. Both of you find Bucky and Tony standing at the top of the few steps going up into the kitchen. They are both smirking at you and Bucky shapes his head a bit.

“That’s disgusting. I think I lost my appetite.” Tony says with a grin that lets you know he actually was over the moon. “And Banner owes me ten bucks.”

Bucky is still shaking his head and chuckles, “About damn time, punks.”

You shake you head and lean against Steve’s chest, embraced and overjoyed all at once.

“Yeah,” Steve says as he kisses the top of your head. “About time.”

[kitten1618x]

GoT Afterthoughts ep. 08x02 ‘A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms’ (Jonsa Edition)

Guys this episode was sooooooo good! Okay, okay, okay, let’s unpack here! I have lots of thoughts and since this isn’t broken up into parts, this is going to be a long post, so I’m gonna drop this bad boy under a read more. 

We begin in the Great Hall. It appears Jaime is on trial. Queen Dany sits at the head of the table—and imagine having the fucken audacity to sit in Winterfell — in Rickard fucken Starks seat—and in front of his grandchildren, talking about the extermination of Aerys Targaryen like he was some noble king that was just slaughtered by the big bad kingslayer, and NOT the murderous fucken mad Targ king, whom crimes’ you just recently apologized to Jon for, and called him evil to conveniently set yourself apart from him—or did you just forget all that, Dany? Hmmm? IMAGINE the big hairy pair you have to have to actually sit in between the Starks in their own home and utterly disrespect them like that—all while claiming to be in love with one of them? Wow. Just wow. And no, I’m not even sorry for that amazingly clunky run-on sentence, either.

~

I see that Jaime still has no interest in setting the record straight on why he killed Aerys Targaryen. It appears only Brienne will truly ever know about the millions of people he saved that day in doing so. Jaime stands his ground, though, and gives up Cersei’s plans. Tyrion tries to stand up for him, but Dany cuts him off at the knees (no pun intended), embarrassing him in front of everyone, as per ush.

~

For a moment her and Sansa have common ground. Sansa doesn’t trust Jaime either because of the wrongs he committed against her family. Jamie won’t apologize for any of it— their houses were at war. But Brienne vouches for him—my courageous, yet shy bb (God, I love her), and Sansa relents, her mind changed when Brienne says she’d fight beside him. Sansa trusts Brienne with her life, therefore Brienne trusting Jaime with hers is good enough for the Lady of Winterfell.

Dany is clearly not pleased with this turn of events. She turns to Jon, addressing him as Warden of the North and asks him what he thinks — assuming he will take her side, but—

He does not.

~

Dany finally relents as well, grounding out a “very well” between clenched teeth, as Tyrion breathes a sigh of relief that his big bro will not be extra crispy or original recipe’d today. GreyWorm returns Jaime’s sword—rather forcefully, knowing his queen is displeased—as Jaime thanks Dany for her uncharacteristic mercy.

~

Scene Highlights:

Bran blurting out “the things we do for love” and leaving Jaime shooketh

Sansa immediately standing up and leaving without waiting to be dismissed by the queen, and Jon ducking his head to avoid eye contact and then dipping as soon as Dany turns to face him.

~

Which takes us into the corridors of Winterfell and Dany resorting to her favorite pastime when she’s angry about things not going her way: berating her Hand in front of everyone. Luckily for Tyrion it’s just Jorah and Varys to witness it this time. Once again she accuses him of treason, and Tyrion is pretty sure that his time as Hand in her service is fast dwindling.

~

We jump to the forge where Arya stands back admiring Gendry work his magic—a callback to their time at Harrenhall in their younger years. They have a little flirty weaponry banter, and Arya wants to know what the AotD are like. She utters the iconic ‘many faces of death’ lines from the trailer while she impresses Gendry with some dead ass accurate blade throwing. He’ll be getting right on making her that weapon, by the way—and probably walking a little funny while he does it. 😉

~

Jaime seeks out Bran in the Godswood. He apologizes for what he did and tells Bran he’s not that person anymore. “You still would be if you hadn’t pushed me out that window, and I’d still be Brandon Stark.” Wow. Jaime wants to know why Bran didn’t tell them what he did, and Bran basically tells him it’s because they need him. When Jaime inquires “what about afterwards?” Bran drops an ominous “how do you know there will be an afterwards?”

~

We jump back to the Winterfell courtyard, where the Lannister brothers are catching up and commiserating about being in Winterfell again. Dany is different, Tyrion tells Jaime, and Jaime doesn’t seem so convinced. Tyrion wants to know if Cersei lied about the baby, and Jaime tells him that was true (as far as he/we know, people). But what I REALLY love about their conversation is this part:

~

J: She’s always been good at using the truth to tell lies. Don’t be too hard on yourself. She’s fooled me more than anybody.

~

T: She never fooled you. You always knew exactly what she was, and you loved her anyway.

~

The funny, or actually ironic thing about this conversation is they’re talking about Cersei, but if you flip the dialogue between the Lannister brothers here, the same could be said for Dany—especially the bolded part. Think back to the things Tyrion said to Jorah when he kidnapped him back in season 5 — he was confused by Jorah’s blind loyalty, too. How the mighty have fallen, Tyrion.

~

They move their conversation up to the battlements, where Tyrion finds the silver lining that at least he won’t die at Cersei’s hands, and perhaps once he’s torn apart by the dead, he’ll march to Kings Landing and rip her apart too. But he’s talking to himself, because Jaime is too busy watching Brienne supervising the training of her ranks just outside the gates.

~

And my Braime heart is siiiiiiiinging!!!

~

He joins her below, and she calls him out for acting weird and not insulting her as per ush. lol It’s really just an adorable little love spat — complete with awkwardness and frustration and plenty of UST. And as the music lulls romantically, he basically admits that she’s the reason he’s here and even though he’s no longer the fighter that he used to be, he‘d be honored to serve under her command if she’ll have him—which is basically fucken a straight up declaration of love, okay? He literally just said—complete with puppy dog eyes—“I love you.” CHANGE MY MIND!!

~

Brienne is taken aback by this declaration of love and is at loss for words — and so she ducks out, leaving him to watch after her forlornly. And my Braime heart is still siiiiiiiinging!!!!

~

We head back inside of Winterfell, Dany is alone in her chambers — and they aren’t the Lord’s Chambers, that’s for damn sure. She’s not having a very good day, and her expression here certainly reflects that. Jorah enters, asking her forgiveness, reminding her that forgiveness is important. This leads into a conversation where he basically asks her to take it easy on Tyrion and give him another chance.

~

While book!Jorah might be a creep, I truly adore show!Jorah, who laments that when he found out Dany gave Tyrion this position, it broke his heart, but he still believes that Tyrion was the right choice; he’s smart, he owns his mistakes and he learns from them.

~

What I find odd is Dany’s reply: “You’re advising me to forgive the man who stole your position?”

~

Wait... what? When did Tyrion do that? I recall Dany proudly pinning that golden hand pin on a very humbled Tyrion in the season 6 finale—not some rabid dwarf attacking an unsuspecting Jorah and wrestling the position from his gnarled greyscaled hands—and what-the-ever-living-fuck kind of crazy ass dialogue are they giving this girl?

~

Jorah has one other suggestion for her, if she’ll allow him such liberties. Annnnnd now the Sansa/Dany scene makes so much more sense. Dany didn’t seek Sansa out of her own accord to try and bridge the icy gap between them because she’s just so humble and wonderful and loving and good!!!! !!!! !!!! It was actually Ser Jorah’s idea.

~

So Dany takes him up on his suggestion and seeks Sansa out, finding her in the library with Lord Royce. But ahhhh this scene is just so fucken good, so let’s unpack it, shall we?

~

Dany enters and asks that they speak in private, and Sansa cedes to her wishes, dismissing Lord Royce.

~

D - I thought you and I were on the verge of agreement before... about Ser Jaime.

~

S - Brienne has been loyal to me always. I trust her more than anyone.

~

D - I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisers.

~

Here she takes a low blow at Tyrion again, but Sansa defends him.

~

S - Tyrion is a good man. He was never anything but decent towards me.

~

D - I didn’t ask him to be my hand simply because he was good. I asked him to be my hand because he was good and intelligent and ruthless when he had to be. (See, I told y’all Tyrion didn’t steal the position... and yes, I’m being petty lol). Dany steps closer into Sansa’s space as she continues. He never should have trusted Cersei.

~

S - You never should have either.

~

Sansa drops a truth bomb, insinuating (rightly) that Dany shares the blame here, and Dany doesn’t like this at all. She swallows, containing her anger and paints on a fake smile in her irritation at Sansa’s words.

~

D - I thought he knew his sister.

~

S - Families are complicated.

~

Dany smiles at that and pulls up a seat, indicating for Sansa to do the same.

~

D - Ours certainly have been.

~

S - A sad thing to have in common.

~

D - We have other things in common. We’ve both known what it means to lead people who aren’t inclined to accept a woman’s rule. And we’ve both done a damn good job of it, from what I can tell...

~

Sansa smiles briefly at this. Clearly, Dany is using the compliment strategy again, but not so shallowly this time. Even if she truly believes this, the commonality of them both being women ruling is where this similarity ends. We’ve seen how differently they run things via season 7’s blatant comparison of ‘the three queens’. Sansa stores food, Cersei steals it, and Dany burns it (and yes, I’m going to keep bringing this up). But honestly, who could forget?

vs.

D - (cont.) ...and yet I can’t help feeling like we’re at odds with each other. Why is that?

~

Sansa takes a deep breath but doesn’t reply.

~

D - Your brother?

~

Yeah y’all, they really did that. But again I say, no love triangle brewing here, folks.

~

S - He loves you, you know that? *(I’ll address this in a minute)

~

D - That bothers you?

~

S - Men do stupid things for women. They’re easily manipulated.

~

D - All my life I’ve known one goal. The iron throne. Taking it back from the people that destroyed my family, and almost destroyed yours. My war was against them until I met Jon. Now I’m here, half a world away, fighting Jon’s war alongside him. Tell me, who manipulated whom?

~

Y’all are you serious?!?!? This entire fucken monologue is like literally POLITICAL!JON — I mean, it’s like D&D are literally fucken trolling this relationship so hard. Nothing like hiding some shit right out in plain sight for all the world to not see it. *And if you think for one minute that Sansa is not playing the game here, and that she actually did a complete 180, then I don’t know what to tell you other than, just wait and see.

~

There was a reason that they cut that office scene between her and Jon in the last episode, and after mulling it over with a few of my comrades, I think that it’s possible that Jon came clean and brought Sansa in on it. They have been a unit since they reunited, and a major part of Sansa’s hostility in the last episode was because she felt Dany was encroaching upon that, and she was losing Jon. Romantic or platonic, no one can deny the dynamic is there between Jon and Sansa. I happen to think it’s romantic, and I will die on this hill—but political!jon and jonsa aren’t mutually exclusive!!! !!! Okay, back to our dialogue.

~

S - (releases a small laugh and looks down—and I can’t help hearing Catelyn’s voice in my head: ‘you always look at your feet when you lie’) I should have thanked you the moment you arrived. That was a mistake. 

~

D- (reaching down and placing her hand atop of Sansa’s). I’m here because I love your brother, and I trust him. And I know he’s true to his word. He’s only the second man in my life I can say that about. 

~

S - Who was the first?

~

D- Someone taller. 

~

They both giggle. I assume the other man she’s talking about is Drogo. In any event, I feel Dany is being truly sincere here. This is why people (her stans and the GA both) have a hard time seeing the darkness in her—because one minute she’s sitting narrow-eyed at a table, fighting off a tantrum while she drones on about her father—the fucken mad king—and how her and her brother fantasized about what they would do to the man that murdered him (one can only assume she wasn’t implying knitting him a sweater and mittens), and the next minute she’s all gentle heart and eyes and soft tones about loving and trusting Jon, and giggling with his sister about her ex being much taller than him. I get it. I really do.

~

But here’s the thing about political!jon that the antis and the jonerii always get wrong—at least the version I subscribe to (and yes, there are several variations of it because we aren’t a hive-mind like we’re always accused of being): Jon has every intention of fulfilling his pledge to Dany and whatever that entails—which is why he keeps trying to convince everyone that she’ll be a good queen (including himself). But he doesn’t love her. He simply used the feelings that he recognized that she had for him, to manipulate her to his cause. This doesn’t mean that he’ll throw her out of winterfell and bone his sister when it’s all said and done—because no, Jon isn’t a creep, but he is actually rather cunning when he deems it necessary.

~

However, he won’t have to keep up the charade, or boot her ass out of the north, or any of the other things the jonerii accuse us of ‘fantasizing’ about, because Dany is going to go dark, and everyone will see her for what she truly is. So, let’s return to our dialogue so I can get tf off of this scene! lol

~ S - And what happens afterwards? We defeat the dead, you destroy Cersei, what happens then?

~

D - I take the iron throne. 

~

S - What about the North? (Sansa’s tone drops here as she becomes emotional about her home and her people, the music becomes more ominous as the softness ebbs from Dany’s face). It was taken from us, and we took it back. And we said we’d never bow to anyone else again. (Her tone gets sharper, as she asks again). What about the North?

~

Dany looks angry now. She’s done playing nice, as she pulls her hand back from Sansa’s. The ominous music drones on as they stare at each other, and the maester interrupts them.~Theon has arrived at Winterfell. The music swells, and Theon looks first to a very visibly emotional Sansa, then Dany, and then back to Sansa again before customarily bowing to and acknowledging his queen. Suddenly Dany gives a flying fuck about her ally and inquires about Yara. Theon explains she’s taken back the Iron Islands in her (Dany’s) name.

~

“But why aren’t you with her?” Dany asks, confused at his presence, while the music swells again and Theon looks again, to Sansa—and not his queen. Dany of course notices this, and turns to look at Sansa as well, as Theon directly addresses—you guessed it—Sansa, and not his queen: “I want to fight for Winterfell, Lady Sansa. If you’ll have me.”

~

And oh dear god, I’m so emotional rn, as Sansa’s eyes flood with tears and she runs to envelope Theon in a hug — Theon whom through his own trauma, not only helped to get her away from Ramsay and safely to Jon — but also cared enough for her and the Starks and what he did, to come back and finish making amends!!!! And you know Sansa is so proud of him!!! And I just had a conversation earlier with my bb @scullylikesscience that Theon would likely pledge to protect Bran, and that he will also likely sacrifice himself somehow to save one of the Starks, therefore completing his redemption arc, and I just can’t even rn— 😭😭

~

Scene Highlights:

Lord Royce leaving only when Sansa dismissed him.

Dany witnessing firsthand the devotion that Sansa and the Starks inspire in people.

Also... don’t forget

We’re back out in the courtyard, where Dadvos is serving up dinner to the Northerners with a side of confidence, and Gilly is advising a woman where to go below in the crypts. A little orphan(?) girl with burns on the side of her face asks Davos where she should go and my fucken heart is shattering again because you know he sees Princess Shireen in her!!!

~

And Fuck you Bryan Cogman, you’re killing me!!!

~

She’s not sure where to go because she knows the children are going to the crypts where they’ll be safer, but both of her brothers were soldiers and so she wants to fight too. Auntie Gilly to the rescue: she tells the girl that she’d feel much safer if she was down in the crypts protecting her and her son, and with a purpose, the girl happily accepts her bowl and heads off as Gilly smiles softly at Davos. And god dammit, Liam Cunningham played this scene so well. He literally has me tearing up here!

~

The horn blows for a new arrival, and Edd is here! The last of the Nights Watch are back together again — and Tormund. lol He glomps Jon, affectionately dubbing him his ‘little crow’, and they let Jon know that Last Hearth is done for and anyone else who’s still out there is pretty much part of the AotD now. They have until sunrise to finish preparing. 

~

And the war council has commenced.~We get a little glimpse of what the NK wants, I guess??? Bran says “he wants to erase this world, and I am its memory.” —but why? And then Sam says something pretty poignant that I want @thelawyerthatwaspromised ‘s thoughts/opinion on: “That’s what death is, isn’t it? Forgetting. Being forgotten. If we forget where we’ve been and what we’ve done, we’re not men anymore, just animals.Your memories don’t come from books, your stories aren’t just stories. If I wanted to erase the world, I may not start with you.”

~

Pretty sure those that theorized that Sam is writing A Song of Ice and Fire were right, y’all —  and with such a ‘poetic’ title, to boot.

~

They strategize a plan to ferret the NK out using (a volunteering) Bran as bait in the Godswood. Theon volunteers himself and the Iron Born to stay with Bran and protect him (and jfc here comes the end I predicted for Theon and I hate it so much), as Jon shares that taking out the NK will likely diminish the entire army. They cement their battle plans and Dany insists Tyrion stay in the crypts because she intends to keep him on as Hand. Tormund announces that they are all going to die, but at least they’ll die together, and Jon suggests everyone get some rest. Avoiding eye contact with Dany, he utters “your grace,” and then quickly ducks out on her ass again, leaving her looking confused and frustrated.

~

Scene Highlights:

Jon’s commanding presence in this meeting — even so far as to dismiss everyone, despite the fact that Dany is the queen and supposed to be the one calling the shots. Even her people look to him here for leadership, which is interesting.

Aegon Targaryen and his sister-wives.

Thank you @goodqueenalys ❤️

Alys Karstark making another appearance here, standing beside Theon—yeah, I’m becoming more and more convinced we’re getting a Sansa death fake-out at the expense of this ginger beauty.

~

We head back out to the courtyard where a lonely looking Missandei attempts to befriend some northern children. Unfortunately, she came with the Dragon Queen, so they want nothing to do with her. Grey Worm joins her and the two make plans to leave for Naath after Dany takes the throne — which means that one of them is probably going to die. Sigh.

~

Way up high on the ramparts, Sam asks Jon if he’s told Dany yet. He has not, and so Sam prods him a bit — and oh look, there’s Ghost, off to the side looking like they literally photo-shopped him into the scene. 🙄

~

Edd joins them, and the last of the Watchers On The Wall commiserate, and poke a little fun at Sam. I’m very emotional as Edd says “last man left, burn the rest of us” (which most likely won’t be him) as they pan out to the northern scenery in the distance.

~

The Lannister boys are reminiscing again, this time by the hearth and are joined by Brienne and Podrick. Momma Brienne allows Pod a half cup of wine (which Tyrion overflows) and Jaime encourages her to join them (smitten fool). She does, as well as Davos and Tormund, too—who is fucken hilarious here as he tries to impress Brienne with one of his tall tales, then sloppily downs his horn of sour goats milk. It’s all rather strange. lol

~

There’s a brief scene of Arya and the Hound on the ramparts. She wants to know what he’s doing here—when’s the last time he fought for anyone but himself, as to which he replies: “I fought for you, didn’t I?” True enough. Beric joins them and Arya takes her leave, declaring she doesn’t intend to spend her last hours with these two miserable old shits. lol

~

I’m not sure where she headed off to, but Gendry finds her and presents her with her weapon. Arya wants to know what the red woman wanted with him. He tells her his blood because he’s Robert Baratheon’s bastard — which leads into Arya wanting to know how many women he’s been with. Gendry avoids the question, but Arya persists, many face gaming his ass until he relents. LOL

~

The number is 3, and Arya wants to be number 4. She wants to know what it’s like before she dies. And holy shit, they went there! They kiss passionately, with Arya taking the lead. She orders him to take his own bloody pants off and takes the bull for a ride—if ya know what I mean... 😉

We return to the group before the hearth in the hall. Tyrion remarks that almost all among them had fought the Starks at some point, and yet, here they all are defending them. But yeah, this story is about a Targaryen restoration.

~

In their battle banter, it comes up that Brienne is not a Knight—and while Tormund would happily Knight her gorgeous big-womaned ass ten times over, tradition does not allow her to be one because she’s a woman. Oh the irony that the most honorable of them all—the one who actually is a true knight, cannot be named one. Until Jaime says, “hold my beer!” (or wine, rather).

~

Okay guys, like honestly, this is probably my most favorite scene of the entire series. Everything about it is so beautiful and wholesome, as Jaime declares any Knight can make another Knight and bids Brienne to kneel. She looks to Pod who, with an adoring face, gives her a little nod of encouragement, then she looks to Jaime, and he does the same.

~

The lovely music, the proud faces of all the men who look on with awe as Brienne kneels and Jaime says the words, pressing his blade gently from one shoulder to the other and makes some fucken Westerosi history when he says proudly: “Arise Brienne of Tarth, a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.”

~

Guuuuuuuys!!!! Omg!!!! I’m definitely ugly CRYING here!!!! Brienne’s eyes welling with tears, her proud smile, all these men clapping and their proud faces!!! Yeah, this is definitely 10/10 my most FAVORITE ever GoT scene!!! Just beautiful!

~

We jump back out to the courtyard where a very adorable and yet insanely stubborn little Lyanna Mormont is arguing with Jorah about going to the crypts. She pledged to fight for the North and she intends to, so she bids her cousin good fortune and leaves to take her place. Sadly, I think that she will not make it through the battle for Winterfell.

~

Sam has come to give Jorah Heartsbane. This is another very loaded and lovely scene, and my heart is pretty heavy, because I’m not very confident that Jorah will make it out of this battle alive, either. Sam tells him: “your father taught me how to be a man. Taught me how to do what’s right. This is right,” as he presents him the sword. Jorah accepts this heartfelt gesture and declares that he will wield it in his memory, to guard the realms of men.

~

BRYAN COGMAN!!!! I’M COMING FOR YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY ALL DAMN NIGHT!!!!

~

But seriously, the dynamic between Jorah and Sam has just been so beautiful. And all the antis can fuck right off with their shit-talking of this beautiful and wholesome creature that is Samwell Tarly!

~

We jump back to the crew before the hearth who are loathe to call it a night. Tyrion wants a song, and we are treated to Pod’s beautiful rendition of Jenny of Oldstones — and this entire montage is so beautiful, as we see how everyone is prepping for battle, spending their last hours with those they love and saying their goodbyes. The desperation in Missandei and GreyWorm’s very passionate goodbye kiss is extremely moving and makes me think this is probably their final kiss goodbye, and Jorah looks so gallant as he swings ‘round his horse, making his father proud and my heart is just swelling with love and dread and ughhhhhhhh!!!!!

~

At first I was a bit upset that none of the Starks were actually together here, but in my rewatch, I’ve come to understand why a little bit more. It seems as if they’ve all revisited their own life’s journey prior to coming home (in this episode). Jon, on the ramparts with Ghost and his remaining brothers of the Nights Watch. Arya, first sharing a brief moment with the Hound and Beric (brothers without banners), and then with Gendry. Sansa sharing a meal with Theon out in the courtyard in the home that holds both good and traumatic memories for both of them. He redeemed himself through her (as Jon said), and they share a bond of both surviving Ramsay and his horrors.

~

Bryan Cogman did NOT disappoint with this lovely episode, which has been what we will surely look back on as a bittersweet eulogy of sorts to some of the beloved characters we’ve come to know over the years. Yeah, this was beautifully done.

~

Ahhh, and lastly, we delve down into the crypts where Jon stands before the statue of his mother. Dany has very obviously (and understandably) grown tired of being avoided and sought him out. When he acknowledges her presence with a brief glance and a very faint smile, she cautiously moves closer and wraps her arms around him. And yep, here it is—the reveal. I honestly thought he would keep it from her as long as he possibly could, but I guess he figures they might all bite it anyway, so fuck it... (i’m kidding!! Or am i??)

~

Dany is taken aback by his words. She releases a shuddering breath and immediately steps away from him, denying it: that’s impossible. Jon tells her he wishes it were — and I fully believe him. Aside from the full-on identity crisis he’s been experiencing, you all know he has no interest in the Iron Throne... all this man has ever wanted was to protect his home, and the ones he loves.

~

Dany thinks there’s a conspiracy against her between Bran and Sam—and now Jon’s tone and demeanor have changed a bit. He takes a step towards her and insists that it’s true, calling her Dany because it’s informal and personal, and he knows now that she’s his aunt—that means she’s still his family—and I think he’s hoping that they’ll still be able to find some common ground with that.

~

But the fact that she’s found actual family—that she’s not really the last Targaryen alone in the world anymore—doesn’t seem to affect her as much as the fact that Jon is the last male heir of their line, and so therefore his claim for the throne overrides hers. A claim he has expressed no want or intent for, mind you. Maybe he intended to tell her no one would have to know, and he’d never contest her claim if she’d agree to leave the North independent when it’s all said and done... who knows? Certainly not Jon, because it’s clear he’s taken aback by her response here.

~

D - if it were true, it would make you the last male heir of House Targaryen (she grounds out those bolded words through clenched teeth and Kit’s micro expressions are on point—jfc, Watch his eyes!!). You’d have a claim to the iron throne.

~

And with the final utterance of Dany’s last words, the war horns sound. As if that doesn’t seem like a harbinger of Targbowl?!?!

~

But I will say, in my honest and most humble opinion, that his delivery here was all wrong. The way Jon lamented the story, it kind of came off as if it’s something he might have known all along... and therefore she most certainly will feel betrayed at this. Especially considering her earlier conversation with Sansa. Which, the crazy ass irony of it all is, with political!jon, he was actually already betraying her—just not about what she’ll think it was. Did I say that right? lol

~

They join Tyrion on the Ramparts, the dead are here. Jon looks towards Dany, nodding as if to ask if she’s ready, and she storms off ahead of him, anger evident on her face.

~

Ahhhhhhhhh, I’m really scared for Jon here, guys...!!! What are your thoughts?

~

Remember to care for yourselves and stay hydrated as we slug through this hellish week!

~

ty @farmgirlusa for your dialogue corrections. 

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Prologue

Sometimes, dreams come in whispers, and those whispers don’t stem from selfish desires, but rather God’s promises. When that happens, God can answer even the prayers that you didn’t have the guts to put words to or wrote off as impossible or wishful thinking. His timing is perfect, so trust Him in the waiting. The days, months, or years it takes Him to set up the dominoes in your life are so worth it. When the time is right, everything falls into place in a way that will leave you in awe and unable to do anything but worship Him.

Tomorrow, I set out on a journey that He has been preparing me for over the last 3 years. It’s hard to surprise me, but God gets me every time--I was clueless to what He was up to until I found myself in front of an open door I never had to fight for. 

Pray for me, that I would take all that I learn from this leadership cohort and be fruitful, gladly yielding to His pruning throughout. Celebrate with me, for God has been good beyond measure. Read on if you want to know the full story!

November 11, 2016, I met A. Until the last year or so, I called him “Pastor A” (and sometimes referred to him half-jokingly as “Father A”), as most contexts in which I encountered him were within the church, with him at the pulpit.

In 2016, he spoke at a youth leadership retreat. The way he taught and spoke blew my mind--it was his understanding of how humans work, his uncanny ability to read all kinds of people and really get through to them, the way he ended every message with practical application exercises that grew all of us, students to young adults alike. Away from the pulpit, he was incredibly down to earth. I will never forget wondering, should I be concerned that the same man who left me awestruck moments ago with his preaching seems to have a lot of creative ideas about how to break into a car? Nah, this is way too entertaining. (Context: A was helping an uncle try to get into his locked car after said uncle lost his car keys.)

April 28-29, 2017, I couldn’t contain my excitement being under A’s tutelage again at counselors’ retreat. It was during this retreat that I learned about the company he works for, and the tools and models he uses to build leadership pipelines and empower people across all kinds of institutions, not just in the church. I was deeply unsatisfied by my career at the time. I felt lost and aimless in life. A shined like a beacon of hope, living proof that there could be something professionally worth doing in this world that actually connected to my passions. And then was born my unspoken prayer: How I would love to learn from him and do what he does one day. 

But you see, A doesn’t live in California, and I wasn’t planning on leaving. The competency gap between us was daunting. I had no reason to believe that out of all the people he met, he would take notice of little old me. Even if he did, why would he choose to invest in me? I decided to know my place and be grateful for the fact that he even remembered me and was willing to spare a few minutes of his precious time to check in on me over the upcoming years. 

At one point, he made me cry in public, and I thought it might be nice to not have that experience again--all the more reason to move on with life. (Context: He rebuked me for undermining my influence out of false humility as a group of friends standing to the side couldn’t help but listen in because what he was saying was that convicting, and it was the most loving correction I’ve ever received from a human being, but also embarrassing and really hard because criticism of any kind makes me initially feel like a failure.)

May 4, 2018, after a grueling 6 month interview process that in and of itself was a miraculous work of God, I signed the offer letter to my current company. Finally, I was a full time employee who would soon experience the full force of imposter syndrome and fear of selling out. But I also had the most clarity at this point in time that I was excited for this opportunity because I knew my purpose was to proclaim the gospel and establish His kingdom at work.

January 24, 2019, A somehow found my number (probably through my work profile) and texted me about coming to my company to start a leadership pipeline. He invited me to come to the introductory workshop on the 30th. I went. Even though it was material I’d already seen multiple times before, it still deeply impacted me. However, I decided not to join the 2019 cohort, and fell out of contact with A after February.

February 22-24, 2019, Ignite retreat. Pastor D, whom I also deeply respect and adore, returned for a second year as our speaker. I left retreat with 2 major takeaways: I need to journal, and I need mentors (plural). Pastor D taught me that mentorship comes in different forms, and paying to be part of a cohort or to take a leadership class is an option that I ought to be open to. The first thing I thought of was A’s leadership cohort, and I wondered if I had missed out. But I knew I hadn’t made a mistake, because I had no motivation to join that cohort, given that it was aimed at the specific context of developing me as a leader at my job, which was the last thing I wanted to invest more time into. Nonetheless, the importance of self awareness and guidance sat at the forefront of my mind for the rest of the year. 

June 11, 2019, I won’t explain in detail how serendipitous it felt on this day when God once again by no accident brought about a major turning point in my career. But this was the day that hope broke through. My manager started the process of helping me switch to a product I love. The transition happened officially on September 3rd. For the first time in 5 years, I actually found my job life-giving. I started to see a future here that I wanted to invest in.

October 7, 2019, I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but I suddenly realized I really missed A. I texted him to check in, half expecting to be ignored because of how long it had been (clearly, I still had issues believing that he cared about me, which now that I think about it, was probably because I hadn’t been useful to him for months, and my core Enneagram fear is that nobody would want me around if I’m not useful). I happened to check in right after he had completed his 2019 cohort, just in time to be invited to another kickoff meeting. The thought of mentorship was swirling through my mind again, and I realized I was in a place of genuine interest in joining the 2020 cohort. However, the financial barrier was holding me back. I was planning on buying a new car, I’m still paying for my Invisalign, and I just didn’t know if I was willing to take another hefty sum out of my budget.

November 13, 2019, I missed the entire kickoff meeting due to work, but I dropped by at the end to say hi anyway. All my fears and anxieties about being forgotten or unwanted melted away, and I realized on this day how much of a mentor figure A already is in my life. I told him afterwards that ever since I met him, he has shown up consistently at key moments/turning points in my life and given me the push I need to move forward. His existence reminds me that God sees me and takes care of me. He told me he’d be around again in December and actually have time to catch up, which is rare, given how packed his schedule usually is. He also encouraged me to consider joining the cohort this time. I promised to think about it.

December 10, 2019, we caught up over a casual dinner, during which A learned just how ridiculous my work life balance has historically been, how I believe that my experience has been unique because God has graciously given me all the time I need to fulfill His missional purpose for me at work, and how my passion lies in championing the people around me. Having heard my story, he went full big picture mode and basically told me to not only join the 2020 cohort, but to do so as his apprentice, that he may raise me up to one day be able to do what he does. He addressed every barrier I once had, and they were no longer an issue. The dominoes fell. 

My mind short-circuited as it took some quantum leaps down memory lane (imagine all the details in this blog post and more crashing into my brain at the same time). A stared at me expectantly, slightly amused but mostly confused as to why I was not visibly excited, but rather either at a loss for words or spewing nonsensical protest coming from a place of not feeling worthy of this offer. Honestly, I was in extreme shock that God would not only do the bare minimum of turning my unspoken prayer from years ago into a possibility, but that He went the extra mile to meet every condition that I added on top of that prayer before making it a reality. 

I helplessly looked to my friend sitting next to me to help me make sense of what just happened. He said something along the lines of, “Why are you looking at me? I think this is a great idea!” I still hit the brakes as gently as I could and told A I needed time to process, and I would officially confirm my participation with him only after I talked to my manager. 

I got manager approval the next day. 

Tomorrow, January 29th, will be our first cohort meeting. I hope to document this journey, my lessons and takeaways, so I don’t forget them, and so that I have a record of God placing down the next set of dominoes in my life.

[friedtalepersona]

The De-virgining

Such a pivotal moment for every young woman, the loss of her virginity. Movies and television programs condition us to believe that this adventure should be shared with someone you love, who knows you and cares for you deeply. You should be giddy about this magical moment. Coy, but brave. I disagreed. Oh, I had a boyfriend. We were together for two years, so he knew me inside and out. Plus, we did enough bump and grind all over my mother’s house to qualify me as something of an expert in body movements and sexual noises. However, when it came to “going all the way,” your girl just couldn’t quite get there. In my mind, there was something dirty, shameful, and slutty, about losing your virginity in high school. I carried the constant fear that my peers would find out and they’d judge me as harshly as I have those who were open about their sexuality.

Our passionate relationship, my high school lover and I, ended when I left for varsity. I was an inexperienced 16 (and a half) year-old tertiary student, almost ripe and ready to get dirty. I suppose he saw the downfall of our relationship long before I did. Varsity guys can be difficult to resist. During that two months holiday between the last high school exams and the first day of registration, the dumb boys we knew blossom into men. Who can resist the unruly hair and struggling beards? Factor in parties, alcohol and kush, and you’re a goner. What really broke us though, in my opinion, was his insecurity. Oh, and the fact that he dumped me for my friend, but that’s a story for another day.

So, there I was, 16 years old, heartbroken and ready to get busy. The socially acceptable thing to do here would have been to wait for someone new who would love me the way it has been written for centuries. I had all the time in the world, so I was told. It’s too bad no one told my hormones. My mother’s sex talk hadn’t helped either. All she said was, “focus on school, you’ll enjoy sex when you’re older.” When I laughed at her choice of words, she retorted with a shrug, “well, sex is fun, you’re supposed to enjoy it.” Sex talk over. You may be happy to know that I did wait, for a whole year. 365 days of ignoring the needs of my flesh.

It was in my second year of university that I made the extremely logical reason to lose my virginity with an acquaintance. You read that correctly. I made a new year’s resolution to lose my v-card because, well, it had to happen sometime, and I preferred sooner rather than later. I also decided that I didn’t want a stranger, nor someone I would share an emotional connection with. I didn’t want to be one of those girls stuck pining over their “first”. No, I wanted someone I knew, but not too well. Someone good looking, but not pompous. With a stroke of good luck, I found him. Talk about speaking into existence!

It was a scorching February day. My best friend and I were sitting on the steps in true Gossip Girl style, munching on Nick Naks and grapes, engaging in one of our favourite activities on campus: people-watching. Then, there he came jogging past on his way to the library, my perfect man. Well, my perfect cherry-popper – let’s refer to him as CP. He stopped abruptly, perfect pink lips pursed, brow furrowed, face drenched in bewilderment. He greeted my best friend, uncertainty laced in his fruity voice. It turned out they had gone to the same high school, but he had somehow missed her the entire previous year. Did I mention he was cute? He was yellow bone, slim build, not too tall, hair cut in a perfect fade, and had the most beautifully shaped head I had ever seen. Back then, I had a serious issue with funny-shaped heads. You’ll be happy to know that I have matured. We were introduced and that was the extent of our conversation. CP and BFF weren’t close, so it was a given that he and I wouldn’t be either. I wish I could say that I was bold and immediately set out to get my claws on him, but all my drooling amounted to nothing more than wishful thinking. At that moment, all I was brave enough to do was mumble to my BFF, “hmm, he’s cute, nice ass.” I may have been a virgin, but I was still a little pervert.

The big event (D-V Day) happened exactly 20 days before my 18th birthday. A group of us, BFF included, had decided to go out to the local pub near the University. You guessed correctly: I was underage and therefore not allowed to enter – beginning a pattern of being bounced out of clubs, but those are stories for another day. After my failed first attempt to get inside, one of my friends came up with the brilliant idea to undergo a little make-over to disguise me. A headwrap, different jacket, and a distraction at the door later, I was in! Yay me!

We found a table and decked it out with 660ml bottles of Smirnoff Storm spirit cooler each, like the broke spenders we were. Clearly, on a mission to get wasted. The vibe was as ratchet as expected, and we were feeling it to the bone. House music blasted off the speakers, drunk students either danced like strippers or made out in the corner like porn stars, a football match played on the large screen, and boisterous conversation rang off everywhere. This was not the kind of place in which you wanted your parents to find you. In short, it was epic!

After a few minutes of downing my drink, not quite drunk enough to embarrass myself on the dance floor yet, a guy I knew came and started talking to me. Ever since that night, I haven’t been able to recall his face, name or from where I knew him. I didn’t even introduce him to my friends, nor did they try to engage him. What mattered was that was officially the first guy to try and pick me up at a bar. Well, a pub. This was to be my first experience of a drunken encounter with a guy, regardless of how uninteresting he was. Honestly, he was downright boring. I remember smiling awkwardly at him as he loitered next to me, creating small talk. Boredom aside, my night was going great.

Sometime later, which felt like minutes, our table was joined by CP and his friends. They weren’t the type to ask for permission to join, especially since they somewhat knew my BFF. No, they just sat down and took over the conversation. I didn’t have the heart to kick my loiterer away, hoping that he would do the sensible thing and leave of his own accord. He was distracting me from drooling over CP, who was seated opposite me. So rude! I kept throwing glances over at him and doing what any girl would do when their crush was around: laugh obnoxiously louder than normal. In a surprising turn of events, smooth as ever, CP came and sat right next to me, kicking one of my friends away to take his vacated seat. He then proceeded to start a private conversation with me, completely cutting off loiter boy. What was a girl to do? Two guys in one night?! I had never had this much attention before. Did I care that I was suddenly paying less attention to my first solicitor? Nope! I was giddy and extra hot from all the attention.

Mr boring finally left and I heard our whole table cheering. Apparently, they had all been watching as CP swooped in to claim me. It was a game, but I didn’t care. I was the prize that had been won by the most eligible bachelor. When the place became extra rowdy, it was decided that it was time for us to relocate back to res and do what people our age did: chill. An intimate party among friends. Another first experience for me. We left the pub and I followed my friends, and my new friends, blindly. It’s amazing how much trust we put in people. Not once did I question what would happen at this “chill” with guys who were practically strangers to most of us.

Our first stop was CP’s room to collect the merchandise. Kush. This was a quick detour and we were in and out of the room in less than 5 minutes. When we got downstairs, though, he pulled me aside and said: “Hey, I forgot my student card, please go back up with me.” In my naivety and general giddiness to be in his presence, I didn’t consider this for the ruse it was. I mean, he needs his student card to gain access later, keeping him company while he got it was the socially acceptable thing to do. We got back to the room and I stood by the door, arms folded and waited for him to do as he said, get his student card. I watched as he began rummaging half-heartedly through his things. Then he said, “You know, I don’t know where I left it. Have a seat while I look for it. Would you like something to drink?” It was only at that moment that it hit me: I was alone, in a room, with my chosen guy, very, very close to a bed. Took me a while, huh?

I proceeded to sit on the bed, suddenly very conscious of all my movements. He sat down next to me and confessed, “I really just wanted to get you here alone.” At that moment, the room temperature skyrocketed. I started to panic because even though I had fantasized about this moment and had consciously decided that it was time to lose my virginity, I did not think that this would actually happen. I planned and drooled but failed to prepare myself for reality. Rather than ride the wave, I got up to leave. This was happening! I mean, he was perfect. Too perfect. He sat there, swagger pouring out of him, giving me a sly smile and puppy eyes, making my heart pound and my vagina clench. He grabbed my hand to stop me from leaving and pulled me down to sit on his lap, meanwhile, all I was thinking was, “Oh my goodness, I’m on a guy’s lap.” My ears were ringing so loudly with the blood rushing to them that I didn’t even hear what he said before the kiss that started everything.

The act itself was, in a word, scary. I felt as though I was going in blindly, so I held on to CP to guide me through. No one experienced ever talks about the real stuff with you – the stuff they don’t cover in Life Orientation classes, the practical stuff and what happens to your body.  For a long time, I had been a silent participant in many conversations between peers about what happens when you lose your virginity. Listening attentively, soaking up everything: the Hollywood movies about how it only lasts two minutes then it’s disappointingly over, the parts about how a guy can tell when he breaks through the hymen, details about a friend of a friend who felt so much pain that they just couldn’t go through with it, stories about how girls can sometimes pinch a guy too much. I prayed that I would not be the girl who pinches. I was afraid of excruciating pain, a few quick minutes of him wiggling inside of me and leaving a battlefield-sized bloodstain on his sheets. At one point, he turned me over to change positions and I scrambled off the bed in a panic because I thought he wanted anal sex. With the little that I knew, I knew I didn’t want that. What did I get? Mild discomfort, a little pleasure and a guy with a lot of stamina.

At first, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. His soothing and seductive touches helped, but I was reeling with nerves. Beyond the pain, my body started to come alive and I felt sensations I had never known before. Bumping and grinding was just scratching the surface. I don’t want to be the girl that complains about a man with stamina, but at some point, I started to get bored. True story. Eventually, I was just ready for him to stop, silently constructing a letter to Hollywood producers about their misinformation. Sex isn’t too short, it’s too long! When we were done, the first thing I did was check his sheets like they do in those stereotypical African movies, minus the fanatical joy when they find out the bride was indeed a virgin. I was mentally preparing myself for the awkwardness of the bloody massacre I would have left on his sheets. Perhaps it was the terrible lighting in that dim dorm room, or perhaps I was still reeling from my first sexual encounter, but, disappointingly, I did not see a thing. I thought my virginity would leave a monumental mark, even if it was blood on a cute acquaintance’s sheets. We headed out to meet up with the rest of our group, him looking very relaxed and talking animatedly, and me trying my best to shrug it off and play it cool for the rest of the night.

I bet you’re wondering if this was the beginning of a romantic love story, where it was meant to be a one-night stand, but we both couldn’t walk away. Better yet, he needed more, like in those cheesy romance novels I enjoy. No, it wasn’t. I got what I wanted that night, and he got laid. There was a brief spell where he proposed our coupling, and I thought, “hmm, maybe I should give it a shot,” but that didn’t happen. I had just been released from the virginity cave and I was ready to play. He moved on and so did I – to many more stories that will keep you entertained. Had I dated him, I probably wouldn’t have this blog right now and what a shame that would’ve been. 😉

[talatomaz]

changed | dinah drake x sister!reader

a/n: i haven’t posted any arrowverse fics in a while

prompts: “all i ever wanted to do is keep you safe”

warnings: references to assault, loss, angst

word count: 2.2k

masterlist | request list | request rules

reader can generate force fields and got her powers from the particle accelerator explosion

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

They say that when you die in a dream, you die in real life. But you could actually say that wasn’t true; because you died in a dream, and what happened to you was much stranger than that...

You had been living in Star City for the past few years so you had basically been there since the Glades had been levelled. You saw Slade Wilson and his “mini me’s”, and yes, they were far from mini but still, try and destroy the city.

You were there when the city was almost exposed to a toxic virus and most importantly, when Damien Darhk tried to destroy the world and in the process, he murdered ADA Laurel Lance who was revealed to be the Black Canary.

But now it seemed like there was a new Canary in town.

***

You were walking down the poorly lit street when you heard movement behind you. You slightly lifted your head, noting the movement before continuing to walk.

You heard the light footsteps grow closer until you could practically feel the person behind you breathing down your neck. You got ready to turn and face the person behind you when you were pushed into a dumpster in the alleyway.

“Hey there, pretty. Wanna have some fun?”

The voice came out rough and it took almost everything in you to not laugh. This guy had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

“Unfortunately no, I think I’ll pass.”

You moved to walk past him but ended up getting pushed into the dirty wall.

“It wasn’t a request, bitch.”

“Well, you asked me and I said no. Therefore, request denied. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

You went to push him off you but he grabbed a knife and placed it threateningly close to your neck. You glanced down at the knife and then back up to the man.

Just as you were about to get out of this situation, the man fell to the floor with a thump. Your head shot up to the fire escape that was opposite you and you saw two figures shadowed by the dark standing there and the hairs on your neck went up.

“You’re welcome.” A deep voice broke through the silence of the night.

“Thanks, but I had that.”

The moment you spoke, you noticed the feminine figure next to the guy straighten. You looked back down at the guy who tried to attack you and saw an arrow was in his back so you pulled it out and held it out.

“You might want this back, Green Arrow.”

When you mentioned the vigilante’s name, he jumped down from the metal stairs and emerged into the minimal light that the lamp post was providing.

“I know leaving arrows is practically your calling card but it’s not exactly very smart considering this can be traced back to you.” You explained, handing the arrow over to the vigilante.

“Never has been before.”

“Well, if you left it with me, I could probably trace it and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want that.”

“Of course not.” He replied roughly.

“Is she just gonna stay there?”

You asked, looking back up at the female vigilante who was still concealed in the shadows. You figured that it was most likely the Black Canary considering the attire she was wearing.

At this, the Canary jumped down and the moment that she came into the light, it felt like you had been hit by a hundred trucks.

“Dinah?”

***

“Leave me alone, for the love of God!”

You shouted, walking away from your sister for what seemed like the 5th time this week.

It had been almost a month since you and Dinah had your long-awaited, beautiful family reunion, sarcasm implied, and ever since then, she had been badgering you at every turn, trying to get you to say more than 10 words to her.

And because she was a detective, it meant that she was able to find your contact and address details. Great.

“Would you just talk to me? Please.” She pleaded.

“Dinah, you’ve had the past 3 years to talk to me. So too little, too late.”

You continued walking but after a few beats of suspicious silence, you turned and saw Dinah was no longer behind you.

She had left again.

What a surprise.

You turned back around and before you could scream, you felt a sharp prick in the side of your neck and a bag being placed over your head and then everything went black.

***

Ugh. Everything hurt. You couldn’t move. You couldn’t see. Everything was dark.

You blinked a couple of times, allowing yourself to return back to reality. You were in a dark room. Your throat was too dry to scream.

They’re going to kill you.

No.

Breathe.

The last thing you remembered was being grabbed outside and the jab of a needle in your neck.

Son of a bitch drugged you.

You froze. You heard movement beside you.

Dinah.

“Psst, Dinah. Drake. Dee, wake up!”

You half whispered and half shouted. You heard light groans beside you and practically felt Dinah become alert.

“Shit, what the fuck? Y/n, you okay, baby girl?”

The use of your nickname brought a sense of comfort to you in a situation where there was hardly none.

“Yeah, I’m good. What the hell is going on?”

“Well, that was as good an entrance line as any.”

A voice said behind you before moving to face the both of you.

“Hi, there. I’m Jeffery Daniels and I’m going to kill you.” He laughed. “Well, that is if I don’t get what I want.”

“And that would be what exactly?”

“Well, I’d like you, Captain Drake, to lead me to the anti vigilante weapons treasury.”

“And if I don’t?” She spat back.

“Well,” he took out his gun and aimed it at your head, “I’ll just go ahead and kill your baby sister.���

He let the threat linger for a couple of seconds.

“I’ll give you a few moments to think it over.” He said, leaving the room the same way he entered.

“I’m not letting him kill you. I’ve just got you back.”

“Dinah, you act like I care. I really don’t.”

“Since when did you not care about your life, y/n?”

“I’ve changed, Dinah. And the most important thing right now is that he cannot get those weapons. You cannot let him get those weapons. And if I have to die to make sure he never does, I don’t-”

“Y/N DRAKE.”

You stopped talking, feeling like you were a kid again.

“I will not allow you to sacrifice your life. Hell, neither of us are dying tonight.”

“Oh really? And you know that how?”

***

“That’s how.”

Dinah Drake said, helping you out of the ropes that bound you to the chair.

When Daniels had returned, Dinah stalled for as long as she could until Green Arrow and the rest of the team came crashing through the window and began a full-blown shootout with Daniels and his men.

It turned out that Dinah had a tracking device in her boot and that was how Felicity was able to trace your guys’ location.

You had all helped to defeat Daniels’ men so only Daniels, himself, remained.

“Well, looks like we’ve got a bit of a predicament here.”

He said, showing the remote that was in his hand and the bombs that were strapped around his body.

“I press this, we all die. So you can either die or let me go and live.”

The Green Arrow and Speedy aimed their arrows at Jeffery as Wild Dog and Spartan did the same with their guns.

“Press it.” You said, shocking your sister and the rest of the team.

“What?”

“Do it. We’re not gonna let you go.”

After a few moments, the man smiled a grinch-like smile, “If you say so.”

And before anyone could do anything, he pressed the button which triggered the explosion. The whole team began to try and escape but you stood there, knowing that you’d only have a second to do what you had to.

But a second was all you needed.

The moment that button was pressed, you put your hands forward and concentrated as hard as you could. You successfully focused all of your energy on containing the explosion so Jeffery Daniels was stuck in a massive purple force field along with the bomb.

After a few moments, the energy of the bomb disintegrated and your force field disappeared to reveal a severely burned Jeffery Daniels.

You turned to look at the whole of Team Arrow who were looking at you with both shock and confusion. Your sister was completely shell-shocked; her mouth was formed as if she wanted to speak but no words came out.

“I told you I’ve changed.”

***

“Wait, just one more time.” Felicity asked.

You were all back at the Arrow cave and you had explained how you gained your powers almost 5 times already.

“Fine, just once more. I was dreaming that I got crushed by a large truck that fell from the sky and I had my arms extended to try and protect myself but the moment that I died, I woke up and next thing I knew, every time I wanted to protect myself, I created some sort of force field.”

“Awesome.” Thea commented for the fifth time, making you shake your head and roll your eyes.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” You heard Dinah murmur.

“Excuse me?” You said, turning to face her. “I believe you‘re the one who’s keeping the secrets here, Dinah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it.” You muttered, walking off to the lift.

You just wanted to get as far away from her as possible.

She’d never understand.

“No. Walking away isn’t going to solve anything.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

You swiftly turned around and walked back up to your sister.

“You’re right. It solves nothing. So why in the hell did you walk away?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You left me. For three fucking years! I get that you were mourning Vinny. I so get that. But three fucking years, Dinah. You were gone for 3 years!” You shouted, tears filling your eyes.

The entire team was watching your outburst, but honestly, you couldn’t care less. It seemed like it was only you and Dinah were in the room.

“I had to leave.”

“Why? Why’d you have to leave?”

“After Vinny died, I couldn’t think. All I wanted to do was kill Sonus.”

“I get that but you didn’t even tell me. You just left. I was 16, Dinah. And I had no one. No one. Mum was gone. Dad was with one of his whores, as per usual, and when I needed my big sister the most, she wasn’t there.”

“I’m so sorry, y/n.”

You laughed dryly, “You want me to say what to that? I understand that you went through a terrible few years. But so did I and not once did you reach out to me. For fuck’s sake, Dinah, I almost died. Twice! And I couldn’t tell you because I had no idea where you were.”

“Dying in your dream doesn’t count, y/n.”

You heard Felicity murmur behind you but she and the rest of the team decided to give you some privacy when you gave her a death stare. You’d apologise later.

“I’m not talking about my dream. I almost died in real life. Once by one of Deathstroke’s minions. And…” You trailed off.

“And the other? Y/n?” Dinah added when you didn’t say anything.

“It was my 18th birthday. I’d gone out with a few people and we’d all gotten very tipsy and everyone wanted to stay and drink more but I bailed early. I was missing you and just wanted to be alone. Looking back, I probably should have stayed.”

“What happened?” Dinah asked, her teeth gritted, almost scared to hear the answer.

“I was attacked. I was too drunk to properly use my powers but I somehow managed to get away and ran all the way back to my apartment.” You explained, a betraying tear fell as you relived the memory.

“I’m so sorry, y/n.”

Dinah said, engulfing you in a hug after so long without one. Tears began to shamelessly spill from both of your eyes as you hugged each other close.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do is keep you safe and I failed.”

“Dinah Drake, you have failed this city.”

You joked, and then you both laughed through your tears when you heard Oliver shout, “That’s my line.”

“I love you so much, y/n. And I promise, I’ll never leave you again.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Dinah.” You said, pulling away from the hug to look into her eyes.

“Trust me, baby girl. This is the one promise I intend to keep.”