#i was going to force myself to do stretches but tbh i don't think i can

[toopunkrockforshul]

I can't even remember the last time I was this physically tired ugh

[biggothbelly]

You know, I've watched you spiral out of control for years at this point. I remember first finding you back in 2016. None of us really knew it then because you were so much smaller in comparison to the mass of lard you are now, but you were already too far gone to go back. Year after year, I watched you shovel endless amounts of calories down your throat, blowing your poor belly up so many times with a disgusting amount of food on such a regular and consistent basis, that there was no question that you were gonna get huge. However, I don't think anyone knew just how far you'd take it. I mean, look at you. Every ounce of your body is covered in fat. That tiny gut was forced to blow up into the massive, turgid, hanging food balloon we see it as today. You've forever ruined your skin and put so many deep, long, eye-catching stretch marks on your fucking gut. You've grown into nothing but a walking garbage disposal, and I'm sure you could easily outeat several grown men and still be begging for more food. The most shocking part is the fact that even though you're so close to 300 lbs, your greedy ass still wants to keep going. What's it gonna take to stop you? 300? 400? 500? What number could possibly scare you at this point? 600? 700? 800? I mean, if you're gonna go that far, you might as well just make a spectacle of yourself and go for an even 1000 lbs of pure blubber and lard. You'd be more relatable to a whale than a human at that point, especially with how much grease and junk it would take just to make you feel not hungry. No, not full, definitely not stuffed to the gills, but just enough so you can go without eating for more than 20 minutes. Let's just face it, you're fucked. You were fucked the moment you willingly decided to stuff your face for the first time because you wanted to see how good it would feel. Now look at you. You're an ever-growing blob that's just can't help themselves. You're never gonna try to lose the weight because you love being a fat slob so fucking much. You love how good it feels to eat and eat and eat until your stomach is begging you to stop and the weight of your poor, overfilled gut is pinning you down, so you couldn't even get up to get more food if you tried. I'd love to see you try to prove me wrong, but we all know you wouldn't last a day trying to lose weight.

This is the most inspiring ask I’ve ever received hehe tbh reading this made me hungryyyyy idk what I’ve done to myself tbh 😅 if went from something fun and every now and then to having to constantly feed my belly bc I’m always hungry and always so lazy I barely want to get up. I’ve given myself quiteeee the food addiction at this point all I ever do is think about eating and growing this belly. The idea of ever having to lost weight scared me bc I know I couldn’t handle it and I don’t think my belly would let me 😳😵‍💫 it’s hard lifting this gut around daily it’s so heavy my back and knees hurt all the time and a new thing I noticed is that my hips are starting to hurt when I walk. Now walking is getting harder and harder 🐖 I always feel like I have to sit my fat ass down. Who knows maybe one day I’ll be on my 600 pound life 🥴🫠 I have a seriousssss problem it seems hehe and you guys keep enabling me hehehe

[devdevlin]

A brief (and inappropriate) retelling of Hermione's polyjuice incident.

DON'T ASK. I don't know where this came from, ok? Ok. My pregnancy brain is fried and apparently, I don't know what shame is anymore, so here you go, have an odd and uncalled for drabble. I'd say don't judge me... but tbh, I probably deserve it 🤷‍♀️

"Ahh!"

At the distant, high-pitched scream, Tom slowly lowered his newspaper.

There was a concerning stretch of silence, until a quiet shuffling from upstairs started; hurried, panicked footsteps, ones that told him he needn't get up. Whatever the problem was, it would undoubtedly come to him.

Tom resumed his reading.

Sure enough, not even five minutes later, and the footsteps gradually pattered their way down the stairs.

"...Tom?" he soon heard echoing in from the other room.

"...Yes?"

"Can you... I think I need your..."

Hermione, he knew, would rather eat her own pants than come to him for help, and so, properly intrigued, Tom folded his paper and put it aside. "What's wrong?"

There was another pause and some more shuffling from the doorway, before a quiet, "do you promise not to laugh?"

Tom laughed. "That will depend on what you're about to say."

"Tom!"

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Promise you won't laugh!"

"Fine, fine, I won't laugh," he promised, leaning forward eagerly in his chair. "Just come out. You're starting to worry me."

Another stretch of quiet. But then, right as Tom was about to get up and force her out—

Hermione stepped into the room.

Tom prided himself on his self-control. It was one of his best qualities, one that set him far apart from the rest of his peers, but even he wasn't above snorting at the sight of her.

She immediately turned and walked back out.

Tom, at a complete loss, covered his mouth and muffled his chortling as he got up and followed after her. "I'm sorry," he called out. "Wait, really— I'm sorry. It just wasn't what I was expecting, that's all."

He caught her in the kitchen, where she whirled back and glared at him. "You promised!"

"I did, I know. I'm sorry," he said, but he wasn't really. Because with a pair of ginger ears and a squashed nose, with her pants riding low enough on her hips for a long, bushy tail to poke out the top, she looked... hilariously...

Cute.

"Are you going to help me or not?!" she snapped, gesturing to herself.

Tom looked her down and up, taking her all in. Huh. She had claws, too. "How did this happen?"

"I... a little bit of polyjuice, is all. But I must've added the wrong hair..."

"It would seem so," he said. "Whatever were you playing with polyjuice for?"

"I... well... I just wanted to... surprise you," she admitted. "I know you don't like to celebrate, but I thought... it's your thirtieth. I had to do something, and I thought this might be a way to do it that you'd be okay with."

"You thought I'd like it if your gift... was yourself in the form of a cat?"

"No! No, not a cat..."

"Who were you supposed to be, then?" he asked suspiciously.

"...N-no one."

"Hermione."

"I..." she sighed, and then grudgingly muttered, "I was trying to turn myself into you."

This time, he tried—he really did—but his laugh couldn't be helped.

"Tom!"

"Sorry, sorry," he repeated, "I'm sorry. But, honestly, why would you—"

"I have another batch upstairs," she said, flushing. "Once I was you, I was going to come down and offer you the other batch, so that you could turn into me, and then... I thought we could... you know."

Slowly, as her words sunk in, Tom grinned a wide, involuntary grin. "Actually... now that you say that... I'm not quite sure I do know," he said, stepping towards her. "Why don't you tell me more?"

Hermione crossed her arms. "This is humiliating enough without you rubbing it in! You know what I mean!"

"Do I?"

Her ears flattened.

"Well..." he said, pressing his lips together to keep from laughing again as he closed further in. "As unfortunate as this all is... it doesn't all have to be for nought. Maybe we can still... make this work."

"...I beg your pardon?"

"Just me... you..." He leaned into her and reached around to trail his hand along her thigh, until he reached the base of her tail at her waistband. He gently gripped the base. "...and your tail..."

He slipped his fingers down the length of it, over the silken, ginger fur, until she swatted him off.

"No! I— stop that!"

"Why?" he said. "It'll take hours to wear off. I can think of several good uses for all this until then."

"Absolutely not!" she snapped, pushing back from him. "Wh-what do you mean, good uses?"

"What do you think I mean?"

"I... I think that if you can't help me, then I'd rather not know about—ahh!"

As she'd turned to storm off, Tom took hold of her tail and pulled, hard enough that she stumbled back, her back colliding flush against his front.

"Something like this, I think," he murmured low in her ear, keeping his grip on her tail tight, holding her in place.

"Tom, that—ow, that hurts."

"Good."

She tugged to free herself, but Tom didn't let go, and twisted them to shove her forward, pinning her between himself and the counter.

"Ow, I mean it!" she hissed.

"So do I," he drawled, and now that he had her pinned, he took her tail in his other hand too, and sliding it up, right to the base, and stroking down its length firmly. "Tell me... what does it feel like?"

The tip of her tail twitched against his leg at his touch. "It's... ah, um," she squeaked. "Sensitive."

"Is it? Well, why don't we find out just how sensitive it is..."

"Tom—"

"Shh, shh," he shushed, slipping his fingers around the tail and down, down beneath the waistband of her pants to where the fur ended and the smooth patch of skin just below it started.

He felt it as she shivered and a tremor jolted up her spine, joined by a quiet, gentle—

"Oh," he breathed, "you can purr?"

"I... I didn't know... I didn't mean to..."

Tom laughed into her neck. She sounded mortified.

"It's all right," he told her, stroking even lower, brushing right against where the skin became silky and started to pucker. "I don't mind, but... now that you mention it, I do wonder how it'd feel if you purred with my dick in your—"

"Tom!"

"I'm just curious. It is my birthday, after all..."

[fangirl-erdariel]

One thing that's jumped at me on my most recent reread (well, i'm listenibg to an audiobook, but either way) of LOTR, is that Aragorn has this... honestly quite specific way he responds to feeling like he has made a mistake (whether or not the audience or even the narrative would blame him for that, which is neither here nor there for my current point), that I feel like a lot of the fandom (myself included) and a lot of fanfics don't really get, and that doesn't really carry over to the movie adaptation either

Like, on one hand, verbally he's going to beat himself up about it, he's going to go "oh i have messed this up!" very much out loud

But then at the same time, he doesn't really let that halt him, like, he's still gonna get back to going and act to salvage the situation as best he can very quickly, possibly even while he is still beating himself up about it

And like we do see him do this a bunch. Most noticeably of course over the stretch from Rauros to Fangorn, Breaking of the Fellowship and Boromir's death to meeting Gandalf the White, but before that too

At Weathertop, we get him going argh i've been too careless and impatient. But there's no way to turn back time, the enemy has now spotted them and some of the signs there might have been about recent goings-on were messed up before he could investigate them, so all that can be done is prepare and stand their ground as best they can, and deal with the consequences when they come

After the Fellowship escapes Moria, as they're making toward Lothlórien, you get the, oh shit i forgot you were injured i'm really sorry about that i was concentrating on getting distance between us and the orcs you should've said something (tbh out of everything, this instance is in my opinion the least amount his fault). But all that can be done is carry Frodo and Sam until they reach a place where they can stop for a bit, and then tend to their injuries, which is what he does without further delay

Those are the main ones I can think of off the top of my head (there's maybe a couple others but those are too vague and dependent on reader's interpretation of tone to feel worth including), but I feel like it is enough to start making a pattern

Interestingly, he doesn't do it when the attempt to cross Caradhras (which in the book was because of Aragorn's insistence to avoid Moria if at all possible; in the movie it's played a bit differently) ends in them all nearly freezing to death. Whether it's because at first he's busy not freezing to death and getting back down from the mountain and not being killed by wargs, and then he's busy acting like he's not fucking terrified of going into Moria because of some past traumatic experience we never get any more information on, or because however much he hates the idea, the back-up plan of going through Moria is already in place, or because he trusts Gandalf to be able to keep things in control, or what, i'm not sure, but it's the one major exception i can think of.

And it's not really uncertainty or indecisiveness or self-doubt, even though I can see how it would easily read that way, especially if the only example that's ever caught your eye is the bit after Rauros (like, at that point, he does genuinely doubt himself a bit, and it does mix together with his beating himself up over his mistakes, but the source of the self-doubt still is not in his general way of reacting to his mistakes, but rather because he's been forced two choose between two roads that both felt to him like his duty, and he's still not certain he chose the right one).

Really, it seems like it's just... well, just his way of reacting. Maybe it's venting his frustrations, maybe it's reminding himself how careful he must be, how little he can afford mistakes, that he can't allow himself to make this mistake in the future. Maybe just generally being harsh on himself. But whatever it is, it's not, I think, doubt or uncertainty, it's a separate thing.

Anyway yeah idk what my conclusion here actually is but. Just an observation I've made recently aboyt the ways Aragorn tends to act

[pleasestaywithmedarling]

Author Ask Game

Thanks for the tag @starlit-hopes-and-dreams!

I'll gently tag @verkja, if you'd like, cause I am SO excited that I should finally have time soon to start reading your work, and I'd love to hear more about it if you're down! And of course, anyone is welcome to jump in; please tag me if you do!

I only have one fic on this side of the internet, so this will all be about my WIP Sin of Purity, Purity of Sin.

What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

I personally don't vibe with the idea of writing "lessons." I guess the ideas that have been sticking out to me the most have probably been guilt and innocence, and the way the past can recontextualize the present and vice versa. But that's just me; I'm sure anyone could read this and see something completely different.

Or maybe we're all just here for the whump :)

What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

Disclaimer: I have nothing at all against any religion that is not causing anyone harm; there are obviously a lot of wonderful religions and religious people in the world, and I 100% support that.

That being said, the key feature of the worldbuilding in this fic is the official religion of the kingdom, and that was very much inspired by my own wildly toxic religious upbringing. Before I started writing, I didn't really bother to plan out what most writers would consider the basic features of a fantasy world--I don't think I even got around to naming the kingdom the story takes place in until maybe a half-dozen chapters in. But I had worked out a lot about the fundamental theology and practices of the worship of Vato, the way the temple system is organized, the relationship between the temple and the culture and subcultures of the kingdom, the doctrines and practices that are basically arbitrary or just make no sense, etc. And all of it draws pretty heavily from my own experiences with the type of churches that I grew up in.

What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

Okay so the obvious answer is that Anden and Kiri are both trying to gain their freedom. But Anden would prefer to achieve that by his own strength--he doesn't like feeling weak, and to him being forced to rely on others can sometimes feel like weakness. And Kiri...I think Kiri would prefer the temple simply have a change of heart and let them go lol

If there's anything that I'm trying to achieve with them, I guess it's just the catharsis that I personally get from watching them suffer together the different ways that they're growing, both individually and together.

How many chapters is your story going to have?

No idea! The events of the story are all mapped out, but I'm letting myself just experiment and have fun with this fic, and I'm really trying to embrace serialization rather than try to match the pacing of a typical novel. I would say that the chapter I'm currently working on is right at the midpoint of the narrative arc--if that term even applies to my unstructured mess of a plot--but that may or may not mean I'm at the halfway point in terms of the chapter count. The back half of the second act could end up stretching out a good half dozen chapters, or for all I know it'll only take, like, two. And how long will the third act be? Who knows? Not me!

Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Unusually for me, this is an original. I will probably just keep in here on tumblr; idk if I'd want it on my AO3 account with my fanfiction--it feels odd to me to mix the two.

When and why did you start writing?

I started this one I think about a month and a half ago--it has not been long! Tbh I'd had a pretty awful summer, and I'd been getting back into reading whump as a form of escapism. Had the idea for this one, and I realized it would do me a lot of good to have an outlet just making something I want to make, just cause I want to make it, and not worry about how good it is or what other people think about it. This is easily the most self-indulgent work I've ever written, and it makes me so happy to hear that anyone else is enjoying it too!

Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

Idk, you do you!

Oh gosh I hate doing these because I am SO forgetful and I feel like I always leave off a favorite blog! But here's a sampling of writers whose works I've been really enjoying this past year: @i-can-even-burn-salad, @little-peril-stories, @clairelsonao3, @dont-touch-my-soup, @whumpcereal, and of course @starlit-hopes-and-dreams who I guess I'm tagging twice in one post!

Blank questions below:

What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

How many chapters is your story going to have?

Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

When and why did you start writing?

Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

[mecachrome]

Hello, I was reading your about me post and it's very impressive that you've studied six languages! Did you learn them at school? Do you have any tips / resources for language practice (I have a goal of reaching german B2 by next March but I'm really struggling lol). Have a nice day!

hey anon!!! tbh i don't really consider myself an inherently good language learner but it's a mix of heritage + upbringing + personal interest hlksdjfh, if you asked me for a composite fluency score with everything rated out of 1 it'd be more like...... 3.4 languages though 😔 also without constant practice it's been atrophying a lot lately </3 but the reason is basically that i attended several multilingual schools growing up and by middle school was formally studying 4 languages (+ weekly latin that i remember absolutely nothing of LMFAO) and at home i also already speak 3 of those languages with my parents.

the only 2 languages i started properly studying as an adult are korean and german for similar reasons really (i've been into k-pop for half my life so i took a few semesters in undergrad for fun, with german i got into german media, was really enamored with its grammatical complexity, and then self-studied a few notebooks before taking it in university)... as for how to study and practice, i'd say it definitely depends on the language & language family, how much you're able to or willing to immerse yourself, what your specific goals are in terms of proficiency, and ofc what your existing weaknesses are!!! for ex spanish is a lot easier with a french background and japanese is a lot easier with a korean background compared to, say, the other way around, so personally when i was learning korean vocabulary a lot of times i'd check the root to see if it had a sino-korean origin and that helped a lot with memorization. also with languages like korean and german that have many unintuitive grammar rules for native english speakers, i'd argue that it's super super important to spend a lot more time learning those rules and practicing complex sentence construction than with a romance language for example; french has a lot of weird pronunciation and conjugation rules but overall it's not... really that hard. one thing you can do to practice is to start with a very simple sentence (my name is x / the apple is red / etc.) and then keep building clauses on top of it one-by-one to force yourself to use complex structures without overwhelming yourself trying to write the end product all at once, and then slowly build up confidence that way...

then of course i'd say that it's important to balance different kinds of media and study materials if you want to stretch your language-learning muscles and have a more "comprehensive" understanding. so for german this was during the pandemic and what i'd do was find example texts/stories/children's books/fairy tales and record myself reading them so i could listen back on my pronunciation, then for grammar i self-studied 2 textbooks by myself every single day, and for vocabulary + some other grammar tips i did basically the full duolingo tree but i always tried to treat it as a supplemental resource that wasn't crucial to the learning experience (imo it's pretty bad for non-latin scripts though c__c but i thought german was decent). i also did a lot of random a2/b1 online preparation exams for fun shdklfh but i think b2 is a much higher jump so it's probably not that helpful... i also liked to translate song lyrics and another thing i did was watch a show i liked without subtitles and i'd take a whole scene and transcribe what the characters were saying + translate them line-by-line and then double check with the subtitles afterward. but again to me a lot of this was kind of for Fun so i learned a lot of things in isolation and less with the intention of "i'm going to move to this country and that's why i need to learn the language ASAP," so ofc in that case the best way is really to immerse yourself in an environment where you're forced to speak it or to converse with native speakers (if you can find a buddy who speaks german to converse with regularly that'd be a massive boost) you'll almost always learn fastest that way.

like even though i took university courses and learned proper grammar a lot of the korean vocabulary i've learned is kind of like... hsdflhdf internet/fandom-specific, because i'd "immerse" myself by reading fan forums and follow fan accounts and stuff that use a lot of slang and practice my listening by subtitling vlive videos or watching unsubbed idol videos and a lot of that lingo isn't really useful in everyday contexts LOL—which i was fine with and doing on purpose because i don't intend to move to korea and that's the context i had the most use for. but some other languages i know i find more important to be able to speak rather than read because i do need to use them in conversation with relatives and acquaintances around me. so basically the important thing is really being able to pinpoint both your needs and weaknesses — for ex do i need to be better at listening or reading or speaking, is there a certain verb tense or irregular case that i always mess up (if so, note them down and then dedicate a day to just practicing THAT specific concept or until you're confident with it), do i have the basics down but my vocabulary is lacking, do i just not have enough confidence in speaking and get overwhelmed trying to converse with native speakers? — then you can determine the best course of action from there i think... it's basic but just having a consistent practice routine is important even if you're just doing a little bit, like you definitely shouldn't burn yourself out but incorporating some reading every day or continuously reviewing vocabulary can help to stay immersed. and don't be afraid to consume children's media and also don't be afraid to consume more complex media and Not Understand Everything, you have to be comfortable with being confused before it starts making sense you know... idk if that's much help but good luck!!!

[socialbunny]

A,I, V and X for the ask game :D

putting this under a cut bc i wrote that long thing abt bella goth lmaooo if tumblr lets me tumblr never lets me put shit under the cut the first time >:(

Favourite CC Creator

going to force myself to namedrop creators instead of just saying everyone you and roguebotanist for the mm hair retextures yall do, deedeesims, nikki platasp ofc bc she makes so much quality shit its crazy, anyone that does poppetv2 hairs bc i'm lazy sometimes <3, anyone that makes male clothing that isn't butt ugly (can't name a specific person lol a lot of male s4 clothes just look bad in ts4 and in ts2), io for unique and new clothes meshes, ummmm some other ppl i'm forgetting lmao im thinking too hard abt it and if i think too hard they really cant be my favorite huh? so yah

shoutout to all my mutuals tho that make cc <3 i love all u guys sm i just cant think of names for some reason <3333 i should probably just make an oldschool blogroll or follow forever :/ or some shit

Your Bella Goth Theories!

i wrote wayyyyy too much sorry this is more of a plot i have in my head than anything 😭

she did get abducted by aliens, but they all started freaking out due to kidnapping THE bella goth instead of that lame slut that nobody cares about 😒 they don't really need the flack of capturing a well-known person again. it makes what they do soooo much harder 🙄 so after panicking for a bit they just drop her ass right outside of strangetown fuck it.

congruently, daddy bigbucks and his bestie attorney lily gates are on their way to strangetown to start that bullshit ass show he makes, but this time on the way a wormhole opens up in the sky and the bigbucks from the end of the gba game (you know, when his shit ends up coming back to bite him in the ass), falls from the sky and causes them to have an accident, and the gba!bigbucks takes over their operation. they happen upon bella and take her hostage too, and really start monetizing on the "bella got abducted by aliens" story. merch, signs, ads in the paper, they bring on a look-alike bella to walk around strangetown and eat out of the trash act nothing like bella so ppl can talk and call the hotline they bought. really banking on this.

after some time passes and they're racking in a moderate amount of money, gba!bigbucks decides that the original idea he had with the strangetown reality show could work with pv/st/vv is in it too lets pretend there's a reason why it was incorporated. they have the money, the inkling of a plot that could go any way possible, all they needed to do was put that shit into action.

bella during all of this is just living lavish in bigbucks mansion. as time goes on the urge + guilt to go back to her family lessens more and more as the frankly fucked up reality tv plans grows. technically she's even more of star now than she was before, but she's more subdued to the public because she's never really cared about 'fame' in regards to the public. the only things she does now are be the "woman that got abducted" and show up in the show sometimes to stir some shit, and hang with her friends and make moneyyyyyyy. she gets to be beautiful and fabulous and gorgeous with few responsibilities and that's how its been for almost 20 years :3

ask me more abt this if anybody wants tooo i skimmed details in my head bc i realized i was stretching the word "theory" out.

How Did You Start Playing the Sims?

probably would have the same answer as here :)

Do you use the Lifetime or Career Rewards?

nooo i don't. they're just so boring to me and i always forget they exist tbh

[time-to-write-and-suffer]

Hi! I agree with a lot of your criticism towards twc3, biggest issues imo being 1. increasingly weaker writing for the characters 2. weak plot. I'm curious: if you could prioritize fixing only one (for example: great plot with increased/meaningful branching but relationship writing stays as in book 3) what would you pick/believe would serve the series best going forward?

The focus has always been on the romance, and that's what I would prioritize if forced to make the choice, and it's one that would please the most fans as nobody's here for the plot. However, I don't believe that the choice is necessary, and that both can be improved simultaneously without sacrificing the other. Simply put, it needs to be scaled down, and it needs to be more focused. I would prefer shorter books, with tighter plots, fewer but more meaningful variations, and less wordy and more purposeful writing.

I know that M!shka has the whole thing vaguely planned out, given that we knew it'd be seven books from the start, but whatever her outlining process is, it's just not visible on the page. I'm honestly starting to think she said seven because it sounded cool, and not because she actually had anything to fill each book with. 3 reads like it's a bunch of random Patreon drabbles slapped together and barely connected by time skips.

Most of the issues -- the cheap and OOC romance interactions, the vague plot, the dropped subplots -- could be solved by just removing a lot of the unecessary fluff and by focusing in on one thing and tying everything else back to it. And I'm not saying that it needs to be plot progression and action all the time, not at all, but there needs to be a throughline that connects what's on the page to the overall story, that justifies the words put in front of the reader. I just don't see that focus and that artistic vision here. It's a bunch of bullshit that doesn't stick together.

Reading book 1 compared to 2 and 3 is so wack, because at the end of book 1, there were so many interesting and exciting possibilities. It felt as though there were many different and equally worthwhile plots that could be explored in the next books. And then you read book 2 and go "Oh ok? So I ... I guess the romances will progress in the next one? That's neat. And there might be some even bigger bad on the horizon?" Then you read book 3 and what do you feel? I felt nothing, aside from anger maybe. Because all you get is like, a half-assed climax and then a cheap teaser. Does it feel like the story is going somewhere? Like there are infinite possibilities to explore? Like we're building up to something? No, not really. That's what's lacking, a vision, a vector that guides your thoughts forward based on the movement of the previous books. Book 3 sorta meanders about and then falls face-down on the ground.

For book 4, I would probably, once again, stop trying to one-up myself with bigger and badder plots and have a smaller mystery happen, something more character-focused and maybe relevant to the detective personally, and give each LI a distinct subplot that ties into the main mystery. Because you decided your LI in book 1, it also opens up the opportunity to make the mystery tailored to the LI. That way, both the main plot and the detective being an actual detective feels interesting and hooks you in, while also providing plenty of romance opportunities and character development.

I also think that having 7 books, combined with having the PC be a detective, and the thing being set in a small town ... Idk, it was the perfect setup for having semi-independent, smaller mystery stories, all connecting together by the romances and characters, and slowly building up to something bigger by leaving crumbs in each book. Just a lot of missed opportunities, tbh. People who say "omg it's just a small cute romance game!! Stop trying to make it more than it is!" but I'm not? I'm all about making it SMALLER and MORE romance-focused! It's when it stretches and tries to do bigger things and overreaches that you start seeing how thin the fabric is.

Obviously it's easy to sit here and think you could do better, and honestly I don't know if I could or if my fixes would actually improve anything, but if given her resources, I'd damn sure try to lol.

[memorymessage]

so, gender dysphoria + body dysmorphia + general body insecurity regarding... boobs (because i don't technically know what to classify it under)

as detailed in my story about growing up with weight and eating issues, i became slightly overweight just before the start of puberty. i don't know if that was a contributing factor, but, whatever the case, when i developed breasts, they got covered in stretch marks. i quickly grew into a C cup at age 13, and the stretch marks were so severe, they looked like fresh scars—red and inflamed.

inevitably, because of this, my chest became one of my deepest insecurities, in tandem with my weight insecurity. one time, my little cousin, maybe around age 5 at the time, saw the tops of my scars when i was wearing a tank top, and she asked me (innocently, because she was just a child and didn't know it would upset me) if i got into an accident. let's just say i never forgot that encounter on a scale of 'interactions that forever changed my perception of myself.'

i would say this was one of the reasons i started only wearing tops and swimsuits that covered my entire chest, but, tbh, i ascribe that insecurity to the struggle with eating disorders and general BDD. i had this notion that if a top was too low cut and exposed too much skin, it would make me look too wide. i also thought my pale chest skin didn't give enough contrast to my face and brought out my dark facial acne spots in comparison to my white chest. i still carry these ideas and base my wardrobe off of them to this day.

having stretch marks was just the icing on top of every BDD and ED based decision.

also, i never had a, ahem, "perky" chest shape. and being surrounded by the perfect-skin-having, skinny, braless 2000s media forced a realization on me that my chest just did not look like the pretty people's, fairly early on in life. not only that, but my whole entire body didn't look like the pretty people's.

then, the gender dysphoria aspect mixes in to the insecurities already present and blurs the lines of ascribing which behavior to which diagnosis.

when i was 15-16, i had an era where i wanted to identify as straight and cis as possible (i didn't know what trans and cis, etc. was back then, but you know what i mean: hyper-feminine.) during this time, i was already struggling with ED, and had already been open about my sexuality and interest in masculine gender expression. i don't know what aspect pushed me to reject my former identity and sexuality explorations—the ED? the BDD? gender dysphoria?—i have no idea.

regardless, even when i was hyper-feminine, i still wanted to have small boobs. every time i would go to VS, i would think the A bras were so much better looking than the larger cups. was it because they were smaller and brought up the association of small = skinny? was it because of my previous insecurities with stretch marks and chest shape? did i think being thinner would change the shape of my breasts? was it gender expression issues bleeding through the hyper-femme appearance? do cis gender people even think about their own boobs this much!?

i don't know!

so fast forward to now, the color of the stretch marks have long since faded (they faded around age 15), similar to an old scar. and, i don't know if it's age+gravity, the weight loss, the muscle loss, or the years of binding, but the fat of my breasts sits a lot lower now, which, weirdly, made them..."perky". like there's way more fat that rests beneath the nipple area, which pushes them upward. you can even see the progression of my breasts sitting lower on my body in where my stretch marks are now. my stretch marks used to only be on the swell of the breast itself, now the tops of them rest on the flat of my chest bone.

now that's all wildly funny, because when i was younger and ashamed of my non-perky chest, i would google how to get a more perky shape. and i remember reading "always wear a bra! if gravity pulls your breasts down over time it will get worse!" and like, mate...lol. the opposite is true, at least for me. but i took that shit to heart as a teenager. i slept in my underwire pushup bras. they did not leave my body except to shower.

but! i am still very unhappy and ashamed. because while this shift in my body did give me a more "perky" shape, the old stretch marks also...wrinkle...when i bend over. like a damn plastic bag. and that definitely was not an issue before.

i've fantasized about many different types of chest reconstruction surgeries throughout my life: breast reduction, breast implants, chest reconstruction (feminine and masculine). and i just think...i'll never be happy. let's say i got reconstructive skin grafts and replaced all my stretch mark skin, i would still have scars of that surgery. there's just no escaping the fact that i will have scars no matter what.

i suppose i can only accept what it is. not be happy with it. but accept it.

so yeah, there's my lifelong chest insecurity story.

(also, now that my chest is smaller, i wish i had a chest that looked more like tana or brooke. lol. i guess it's true: what you don't have is always better. ((but seriously, how do fit/thin people with larger chests like brooke exist? my boobs were the first to go when i lost weight.)))

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 6: Production Studio

This was a tough day physically and I am really feeling it. To the point where I'm a little worried, actually?

I went to the Production Studio at the main campus library with one of my co-workers and met my student there so we could practice using the equipment in a low-stakes environment before the next oral history. This was my idea, and I do think it was a good one and I'm glad we did it but at what cost...

My co-worker isn't involved in the project generally. She was there to be our guinea pig subject. I won't lie, I was really assuming she would drive us over but she wanted to walk because she didn't want to pay for parking. Which, I mean, that's fair; finding a spot is also a pain right now because of the construction. It's about a 20 minute walk, which is one of those distances that's like... just long enough to take a big chunk of time round-trip and to be obnoxious in bad conditions but short enough where you feel like, well, it's not that far, it's not that a big deal, might as well do it...

It was 80 degrees today though and we were walking so fast. Even on the way back. Why so fast? Am I a slow walker? Was it actually a normal pace and I'm just weak? I don't know. I was just trying to catch up tbh. And when we got there, I was like, Thank the Merciful Heavens now we will be cool. LOL. Nope. It was 80 degrees in the production studio. And then we had to walk back. Uggggh.

Anyway, the actual hour in the studio went well, I think. I was essentially 'in charge' of it because, of the two employees, I was the one actually working on the project, and of the two people involved in the project, I was the "supervisor." Lmao. Also it was my idea. But I'm not, like, a forceful leader? Not sufficiently confident? I don't know, I was trying my best. I signed up for this gig to practice and learn and stretch myself so that's what I'm doing. So I tried to sort of direct things and make suggestions and keep on top of shit. I think I did okay, overall. I'd give myself a B at it. We ended up shooting 3 videos, one normal, one with a black outfit on a black background (for added difficulty), and one that was purposefully not-good, so we could test the limits of editing. I feel better about the studio--hardly expert but I have gone from doing this essentially zero times to 4 times and I think it'll be easier with our next interview. And my student thinks she understands the lights, which is great because I do not. I'm trying but I see no differences.

After we got back, I did some work but mostly just... recovered. My feet and legs hurt so bad that I was limping home. I do so much walking that I feel like this is really pathetic of me but ugggggh. I took a nap when I got home, and then I got up to eat dinner. I feel better now that I have eaten but also I am sitting so... I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't mind the being at work since I don't have anything hard on the agenda but I do not want to GO to work. I'm just hoping a shower, some more sleep, and some more time will help.

[tvckerwash]

the amount of time I spend thinking about pre All Of That pfl is actually comical. Did they forget rvb is the Stand around and talk show. Literally how am I supposed to assume these people were ever friends when they’re all at each others throats all the time

fr!!! they’re friendly enough in s9 (not so much in s10), but definitely not at found family level, honestly even friends feels like a bit of a stretch considering they let the whole live ammo thing happen.

ct in particular as a “b plot” needed more not just for herself but also for charon. rvb is all about “Noooo Theres bad people and good people on every side of war………stop fightingggg” but the most we get outside of the leader for charon as a remotely humanized force is demo and girlie talking shit about ct like 😭😭 this goes for the pirates in chorus too Like ok Now Ur ok with gunning down criminals….. either way like What was she doing. Her ass was Not trusted at all how did she find out about Tex and alpha and everything. They were too busy focusing on golden boy york to care or smth /j 

yeah charon’s forces are mostly there to act as fodder and are never fleshed out beyond that when the story would’ve heavily benefited from it imo. I mean hargrove was introduced as the good guy (relatively speaking), and in spite of being the antagonist “ct” was also shown to be a good guy (relatively). “I’m begging you (the reds + caboose) to please fix your shit and leave because if you learn anything about this operation I’m going to have to kill you” energy.

so while not totally unreasonable, hargrove acthuallyTM being generic evil politician/CEO who runs a generic evil corporation is just. hrnmg. it needed more time to stew and we needed to get to know more about hargrove to get the full picture. the most compelling trait we know of his is that according to the fan guide he hated how unremarkable his early life was, and the amount of potential that one trait has is honestly insane. hargrove could be so much more than the power hungry politician obsessed with project freelancer.

he could be a man who wanted to be someone who did something worth remembering, he could’ve see the director as an aspiration, someone who was everything and had everything he wished he could be. malcolm hargrove was not lucky enough to be born as someone who was meant to be remarkable, he had to fight his way to where he currently stood, but…being remarkable comes at a cost—the loss of ones humanity. no amount of fame, money, or power can fill that void that formed inside him, but hargrove is in too deep to return to being the unremarkable man he once was—so he pushes forward, left with no choice but to crush anyone who gets in his way.

sharkface too, ignoring that he was mostly brought back for hype and all the other problems with his arc (if it can even be called that tbh), getting to know what the people he considered his family were like would’ve given him a more solid footing than he has in canon when it came to his whole thing with carolina. like I don't, never have, and never will give a fuck about sharkface—but I could see myself being at least 0.001% more interested in him as a character if he wasn't a goofy caricature who really doesn't fit into chorus’ writing…style? tone? idk I can't think of the word.

wash and kimball can even still kill him in armonia because the reds and blues aren’t above killing their enemies if they’ve been given no other choice like with wyoming and the meta, and this could set up a focus on the unaddressed distance between carolina and epsilon from wash and the bgc.

ANYWAY

I like to think that price knew what ms HackerWoman was up to but wasn’t able to do anything about it because:

he has no balls and ct is clearly not the kind of person who would be willing to…negotiate with him

the director refused to listen to his concerns (as usual)

per my hc that wash was covering for ct, price had to be careful of how he approached the situation because wash was a high risk variable whose wrath was not something he wanted to be on the receiving end of (hence wash asking if he could pay him a visit in person at the end of s6 and why price only ever communicated with him remotely. bro did NOT want to get jumped lmao). the UNSC was dead to wash, there wouldn't be anything stopping him from joining ct if he felt pfl betrayed him (all she had to do was give him solid evidence)

this also goes for the twins and how people interpret one or the other as more ‘correct’ or whatever Maybe we wouldn’t have this issue if you had them talk like normal people. Do they even have a proper conversation???

omg yes!!! north and south are both flawed individuals and their relationship most likely fell apart because of issues that predated pfl being forced to the forefront to such a degree that they could no longer—and were not willing to—try to understand the other. it was always them against the world, and neither could cope with being turned against each other.

wash as comic relief is definitely A choice. on one hand it highlights his change from pfl to recovery one. on the other hand….on retrospect wouldn’t it be more strategically advantageous to Keep that personality going forwards so the councilor A. Doesn’t see the shift in demeanor towards the project and B. Underestimates him…? u theorize that’s what he’s doing in pfl as well so I don’t really see why he would change so drastically. “Woobified Wet cat” is much less likely to betray than “Serious Seruous Guy”…..but I guess comic wash lead to the creation of agent Georgia so I can’t be mad, legally

this is why I constantly reference the washed hands interview and treat it as gospel lol. its emphasis on his recollection era characterization (+ R1 and s9) reinforces that as his more definitive characterization, as when compared to recovery one/reconstruction wash, s9 wash is more or less exactly the same, with the main difference being that he comes off as more lenient and trusting in pfl—and he has a good reason to be.

the director and counselor chose to put their faith in him when no one else would, so even when he doesn’t like certain things or disagrees with their decisions, he’s going to give them the benefit of the doubt and have faith that there’s a valid reason to do what they’re doing—most of the time, anyway. he’ll stick his neck out if he thinks he can get away with it, but he’d ideally prefer someone else to do it since he’s not stupid enough to believe the trust given to him is unconditional. 

@joltning I present to thee the elaboration requested:

When broken down to the bare essentials Wash and C.T fulfill the same function within the story, and the differences between them as characters mostly results from how the story was executed when it came to them fulfilling that function. 

For example, everybody (myself included) complains about how C.T exists solely as a plot device in the Freelancer Saga, but nobody complains about how Wash also exists solely as a plot device in Recovery One and Recollection. I mean Reconstruction is literally the ‘omg theres a plot!?!?!?!?” season of RvB, and without Wash there is no story. 

The main reason Wash isn’t perceived in the same way as C.T is due to the level of freedom the writers had when it came to telling the story they wanted to tell. The Blood Gulch Chronicles and Out of Mind set the foundations for Recovery One and Recollection, but it was through Wash that the lore of RvB was reconstructed into a cohesive story. The unexplainable was explained, the unelaborated was elaborated upon, and all the wacky hijinks and random bits and bobs of the previous seasons were tied together in a way that answered the question asked in episode one: Why are all of these idiots stuck in a canyon in the middle of nowhere while being separated into color coded teams that are fighting each other?

C.T however did not have the same level of freedom as Wash, and this is because of pfl’s nature as a prequel combined with the pacing of those seasons. We pretty much already knew everything about her that there was to know, so there was no point in hiding anything or taking it slow because of that, hence the painfully obvious foreshadowing. This approach to the Freelancer Sage, and C.T’s story is what leads to her essentially having the same arc as Wash, just reversed—or more accurately described; mirrored, like Chief and Arbiter in Halo 2.

A majority of the reversal and/or mirroring between them manifests in their personalities, which I actually talk about some here, but some examples of the phenomenon in regards to actual plot points are:

They are both introduced as recovery agents (or rather fake C.T, who was the real C.T at the time, was introduced as a recovery agent). Wash is a single agent recovering human technology from dead Freelancers, and he uses explosives to destroy the rest of the equipment to prevent information leaks. C.T is attempting to recover alien technology from a long dead civilization with the help of other aliens, and he uses explosives to make sure anyone who knows of their operation and presents a problem will be destroyed to prevent information leaks. 

We knew exactly who Wash was, who he worked for, and why he was reassembling the blues. We didn’t know who C.T was, who he worked for, and why he was fighting Tucker in the desert. 

Wash was shot in the back and survived, but failed to subdue the enemy. C.T was shot in the chest and died just as they were going to subdue the enemy.

In regards to the real C.T, some examples include:

The Meta was portrayed as the primary conflict for Wash, but in reality he had always been aiming for the destruction of Freelancer. On the flip side, C.T’s fight to take down Freelancer is portrayed as the main conflict, but in reality, while poorly explained, tracking down the alien artifacts seemed to be her real goal (which is not as insane as it sounds when you remember that Charon Industries was more aligned with the UNSC proper than pfl was). 

Wash never hinted towards his plan of taking out the Meta in Recovery One to South, or his plan for destroying Freelancer to the Reds and Blues until he had the perfect opportunity to strike, and by then he had built enough trust that they were willing to help him out despite his secrecy. If they weren’t, well, he knew what to say to change their minds. C.T however wasn’t exactly subtle with her thoughts and feelings, and she didn’t build any trust with the people around her, so when she finally defected—which didn’t take a genius to see coming—no one was willing to listen to her or take her at her word, and there was nothing she could say or do to change their minds except offering concrete evidence. “I’m starting not to trust you.” vs “I can’t trust you.”

This one isn’t a plot point, but I’m going to mention it anyway because I think it’s a nice example of this subtle yet obvious mirroring I’m talking about, and shows what I was trying to replicate in my blurb that spurred me to finally write this analysis:

Counselor: Agent Washington? Agent Washington? Washington: Sorry, what were you saying? Counselor: Were you thinking about Epsilon again, Agent Washington? Washington: No. Counselor: What happened with Epsilon was not your fault, Agent Washington. Washington: I didn't think it was. Counselor: We have safeguards for the unstable emotional patterns of an artificial intelligence. Sometimes these algorithms fail. Washington: Oh. So then it's your fault. Counselor: We prefer to think of it as no one's fault.

Vs:

Washington: It wasn't your fault, Connie. Connie: Easy for you to say. You didn't drop the ball. Washington: The ball got dropped. We were all there, it's everyone's responsibility. Connie: Dammit, why are you doing that? Washington: What am I doing? Connie: Making excuses for me. I'm not making excuses for myself...why are you?

All I've mentioned above is also why C.T’s relationship with the leader and the plot twist that the C.T in the desert wasn’t the real C.T are disliked by so many, as there was nothing to justify the sudden bait and switch like there was at the end of S6. I mean, considering we see both Tex and South use voice mods to sound like men, it reads as though that was supposed to be the case with C.T as well, which makes it feel like it was changed at the last second because everyone saw it coming.

This is an issue because A) There's nothing inherently wrong with being predictable—a good plot twist always has foreshadowing, even if it won’t be registered as foreshadowing until the twist happens in certain cases—and B) The story of the Freelancer Saga as a prequel was confined in a box created by the previous seasons, and all they were doing was connecting the aforementioned events to tie up a few loose ends and properly establish Carolina's driving force in present day S10.

[helloalycia]

my patient’s neighbour [two] // wanda maximoff

summary: as you spend more time with your patient's neighbour, you come to realise that your crush may be getting too much

warning/s: none, just fluff tbh

author's note: i’m so glad you guys enjoyed the first part! here’s the next bit :)

part one | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | masterlist | wattpad

When Sunday rolled around, I did everything in my power to make it the perfect day for Anna. We went out for breakfast at a café around the corner, a stroll around the park, then I made her lunch before she conked out afterwards, napping in her bedroom. I took that as my chance to decorate the living-area with birthday decorations. Nothing too much as I knew she'd kill me if I went overboard, but little things like a banner, some balloons and streamers.

I told Wanda to come at this time, too, and she showed up with a bag of groceries and a pretty smile on her face.

"Here, let me help," I said, already moving to take the bag off her. "How are you?"

"I'm good," she said, closing the door behind her and following me into the kitchen. Her smile widened when she saw the decorations. "Y/N, this is lovely! Anna is going to love it!"

"You think?" I asked, spinning around and doing a once over of the living-area. "It's not too much? I know she'll hate if I do too much."

"It's just the right amount," Wanda reassured, glancing at me. "How has she been today?"

We both began to unpack the groceries as we talked.

"Really good actually," I said with a nod. "I treated her to breakfast at that café she likes. We went to the park, fed the ducks, had a nice stroll. Then I made her some lunch and she's napping which leaves us the perfect time to crack on with dinner."

Wanda chuckled. "Great." She paused, making me look to her to see her smile fading. Nervously, she asked, "Did her granddaughter call?"

I sighed quietly and Wanda seemed to know what that meant without me saying anything further. 

"It's okay, we'll just have to make this the best meal ever," she said, not letting it get to her.

"We will," I agreed, before looking to the food on the table. "So, chef. Where do we start?"

Wanda and I spent the next hour prepping dinner, a beef stew called Solyanka, as it would require two hours to cook on the stove so we were starting early to make sure it would be ready in time.

I was chopping some onions as she prepared the beef, but I couldn't help myself from glancing at her every two seconds, still filled with concern because of her cast and minor injuries.

"You should take a picture, it'll last longer," she said teasingly, making me look up to see her watching me with a stifled smile.

"Sorry," I mumbled, shaking my head and looking back to my chopping board.

"What's wrong?" she asked gently.

I chewed on my lip as I glanced at her wrist again, before meeting her gaze. "How did it happen?"

"I already told you," she reminded me playfully, trying to lighten the mood, but I was still fretful. "It happened on a mission."

"Yeah, but how?" I asked again, hoping she understood what I meant.

She seemed reluctant to share, face scrunching up with thought, before looking down to her own chopping board. I thought she wouldn't tell me, but then she spoke.

"I can't tell you too much," she started, shrugging, "since it was a confidential mission. But basically, I was undercover when my target recognised me and we got into a fight."

Watching her with the utmost attention, I nodded, imagining it in my head.

"It wasn't difficult or anything, but it surprised me, y'know?" She looked to me with a smile, as if trying to make it sound less scarier than it was. "The guy, the target, he managed to get in few good hits. And he sprained my wrist. But it's alright."

I wasn't as amused as she was, wincing at the thought of her being in a fight. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She tilted her head knowingly. "I'm sure, Y/N. It's my job."

Shaking my head, I looked back down to my chopping board and continued chopping the onion. "I don't know how you can do that as a job..."

"Well, it's rewarding," she said like it was obvious. "Why do you spend most of your week caring for the elderly?"

"It's rewarding," I said without hesitation, before realising what she'd done and looking her way.

She was smiling cockily, making me roll my eyes and laugh.

"Okay, I see your point," I gave in. "But still. It's a dangerous job what you do. Just be careful, yeah?"

"Always am," she promised. And I wanted to believe her, but the cast on her wrist said otherwise.

—

"It smells like home, devochki, spasibo (girls, thank you)," Anna said from her place at the table. "Are you sure you don't want me to help?"

"We're sure, Anna," Wanda called back to her. "I'm just putting the food into a serving bowl and Y/N is grabbing some glasses. You sit and wait like the patient woman I know you are."

Anna mumbled something in Russian which I didn't understand, but it seemed to make Wanda chuckle as she rolled her eyes.

It was finally time for dinner and the stew had turned out beautifully, not that I had doubts since Wanda didn't seem like one to kid around with cooking.

As she was readying it for the table, I was setting everything up and all that was left were the glasses. But, of course (and oddly enough, since Anna was shorter than I), they were stored on the top shelf of the kitchen cupboard and just out of my reach.

In hindsight, I probably could have grabbed a stool and stood on it, but I was too lazy, so I went on my tip-toes and stretched with all my might. The tips of my fingers brushed against a glass and I attempted to move it towards me, unable to see if I was actually doing anything since it was too high. After a couple of tries, I managed to bring it forward, but my stupid self flicked it too hard and it came tumbling off the shelf and towards the counter.

I braced myself for the sound of glass smashing, but instead, a wondrous red energy wrapped itself around the glass and kept it suspended mid-fall.

"Very clever," Wanda said sarcastically, appearing directly beside me. Her accent was daringly teasing.

I looked up and saw her smirking at me with amusement, right hand raised and aimed at the glass. Red tendrils of energy glowed around her hand and the glass; I widened my eyes a little, amazed at how easy she made it look. Though I knew she had powers, I'd never actually seen her use them up close and personal. It was stunning.

"I totally knew you were going to do that," I played it cool, cheeks flushing as she set the glass on the counter.

"Mhm, sure you did," she played along with a melodious laugh, before pressing her front to my back without warning and reaching to grab two more glasses. "Here, I got it."

My body tensed at the feeling of her unexpectedly so close to me. My mouth went dry, her warmth emanating from her and washing over me with the scent of her perfume. Did she always smell so good?

When she grabbed all three glasses, she didn't seem to notice the effect she had on me (unless she did and kept quiet for her own amusement).

"Think you can grab the food without dropping it?" she asked, quirking an entertained brow.

Still distracted by her perfume, I nodded and cleared my throat. "Food. Right. Yeah."

As I stirred the stew to mix everything thoroughly, I felt my heart rate return to its normal pace and told myself to chill out. Wanda just happened to be an extremely pretty individual who was kind and thoughtful and funny. It wasn't a big deal.

When I was sure I wouldn't make a fool of myself, I returned to the dining table with a pot of stew and set it down on the placemat.

"Priyatnogo appetita (enjoy your meal)," I said, trying not to stumble over my pronunciation. 

Both Anna and Wanda raised their brows with matching surprised smiles on their faces.

"You said that perfectly, Y/N!" Wanda said encouragingly, as I took a seat to the right of Anna at the head of the table.

"I see you've been practicing," Anna added, looking to me with an endearing gaze. "A present in itself. Thank you, milaya (sweetie)."

I smiled bashfully. "I have to keep up with you both somehow, right?"

Anna chuckled as Wanda gave me a brilliant smile. Something in my chest stirred as she did, and I was forced to look away, though my own smile didn't fade.

"So, Y/N and I put this together for you and I'm sure you'll know what it is," Wanda said, before serving up a bowl for Anna.

"Solyanka," Anna exclaimed with delight. "Devushki (girls), this looks and smells amazing." She paused, glancing between us both with a grateful smile. "Since you've both been here, this place... it's beginning to feel alive again."

To my surprise, she teared up and began to laugh, using her napkin to pat the corner of her eyes. I rested my hand on hers, squeezing it gently and giving her a small smile.

"I appreciate this very much," she continued, before squeezing my hand and letting go to grab her spoon. "I can't wait to try it."

The three of us dug into our stew and Anna loved it, talking about the first time she ever had it as a kid and how it was one of her favourite dishes. The rest of the meal went by wonderfully, with Anna looking as happy as ever and Wanda listening to her intently. I was listening, too, but my gaze did end up wandering to Wanda as she sat there animatedly, nodding along and smiling to Anna.

For some reason, she was ethereal tonight, though she looked like she always did. Her long brown hair was tied up in a ponytail and she wore a loose tee shirt over some jeans. Nothing fancy, but she pulled it off so well. Rings adorned her fingers as she played with them thoughtlessly, and it caught my eye before I got distracted by her cast on her left wrist.

She'd said she was okay, but it still worried me. It wasn't my right to worry, but she was my friend. I was concerned. She could take care of herself, but that wouldn't put the ache in my heart at ease.

As if she could hear my concerns, her eyes flickered to mine, a kaleidoscope of blue, green and gold. She sent me a reassuring glance before looking back to Anna with focus. I chewed on my lower lip, trying not to let my worry get the best of me, before looking back to Anna.

Towards the end of the meal, after we'd eaten and were merely conversing, Anna's landline rang in the apartment.

"I'll get it," Wanda said, already standing up to grab the phone from its cradle.

Anna and I watched as she answered the phone with a friendly 'hello', before a surprised expression appeared on her face.

"Sure, I'll pass it on now," Wanda was saying before approaching the table and stopping by Anna. Her expression softened as she said to Anna, "It's Sasha."

Anna's expression fell at the mention of her granddaughter. She nodded slightly, before standing up and grabbing her cane to balance. Accepting the phone, she began to walk away into her bedroom. Wanda and I heard her say a faint 'hello' before she closed the door behind her.

"Her granddaughter rang?" I asked with mild disbelief.

"It is her birthday," Wanda pointed out, returning to her seat.

"Bit late into the day though, isn't it?" I retorted, pulling a face. "Almost like the day is over, in fact."

"Sounding a little judgemental there, Y/N," Wanda teased, leaning forward into the palm of her hands and watching me.

"I'm not," I said with an eye roll. "I just think she should show her grandmother some respect. Who does she think she is?"

I paused as Wanda gave me a knowing look, then winced.

"Okay, I heard it that time," I admitted, making her laugh.

"I get it," she said, nodding slightly. "Maybe she's finally starting to realise though."

I sighed, leaning back in my seat. "I guess... For Anna's sake, I hope so."

Wanda and I talked amongst ourselves until Anna returned silently, hushing our conversation. She returned the phone to its cradle before taking a seat at the head of the table. Wanda and I exchanged looks before I decided to speak, noticing Anna wouldn't.

"Is Sasha doing okay?" I asked gently.

Anna was staring ahead, barely listening, before she glanced at me then looked down to her empty bowl. Sentences left her lips in Russian, mumbled and incoherent, at least to me. Wanda leaned forward, holding her hand and frowning with sympathy as she listened to her words. I felt horrible, sensing something was wrong, but unable to do anything to help.

"I'm sorry, Anna, I didn't mean to upset you," I said, shaking my head.

Wanda met my gaze. "It's not your fault... Anna just misses Sasha."

I frowned. "Oh."

"But I'm glad I have you both," Anna finally spoke, accent thick with emotion, as she looked between us before settling her eyes to me. "Even if you're paid to be here."

She cracked a smile, making my shoulders relax. I returned her expression, glad she still had a sense of humour.

Anna didn't mention Sasha's name for the rest of the evening. We cleaned up, had some tea, played a quick board game before I made sure she was okay for the night.

"She alright?" Wanda asked when I closed Anna's bedroom door and stepped into the hall.

"Yeah, she's tired from all of today's excitement," I said with a smile.

"So are you by the sounds of it," she joked, but stepped forward to rest a hand on my arm. "I think we should call it a night."

"I think we should," I said in agreement.

After grabbing my stuff, Wanda and I left the flat before walking to her apartment and stopping outside.

"Thanks for helping me out today," I told her with a tired smile. "I really appreciated it."

"Well, you asked so nicely... how could I resist?" she said, staring up at me through her eyelashes. I rolled my eyes playfully, making her smile. "I had fun. Thanks for inviting me."

I was going to respond, but a yawn escaped my lips, prompting me to cover my mouth as I did.

"Sorry," I said, trying to blink the fatigue away momentarily.

She chuckled, tilting her head and watching me carefully. "You're cute."

I breathed out through my nose, unsure what to say to her words, but I definitely felt my heart rate speed up a little.

"I'll let you go," she said, clearly entertained by my silence. "Get home safe, yeah?"

"And you look after yourself when saving the world, yeah?" I replied with a quirked brow, eyes glancing at her wrist.

"I promise." She grinned before moving forward to hug me.

I returned the hug, the smell of her perfume permanent in my nose by now, before pulling away with a final smile. Of course, I probably shouldn't have stared at her lips so intensely, wanting nothing more than to kiss them.

"See you tomorrow," I said, snapping back into reality and taking a step back. "Goodnight, Wanda."

"Goodnight," she said sweetly.

I turned to leave and was suddenly wide awake. Did I just think about kissing Wanda?

—

It was a few visits later when I was caring for Anna and she decided to have a dance around the living room. One minute we were flicking through different radio stations, and the next she was putting on some old records on her record player. She settled on an upbeat, 50s dance song, the music filling the apartment with joy.

"Egor and I danced to this very song when we first met," she told me, talking about her late husband with a twinkling passion in her eyes. "It was a party and he had been staring at me all night, and I him. Then finally, when this song came on, he approached me and said, 'dorogaya, okazyvayesh' mne chest' tantsevat' so mnoy?'"

I suppressed a smile as I watched her reminisce. "And that means...?"

"'Darling, would you do me the honour of dancing with me'?" she repeated in English for my benefit.

My heart melted. "Anna, that's adorable. He sounds like such a gentlemen."

"He was," she said with a sigh of agreement, smiling to herself.

Whenever she talked about her husband, I'd never seen her look more content. The mere mention of his name was enough to put a smile on her face. I could only hope to have a love like theirs some day.

I stepped forward, putting out my hand. "I'm no Egor, but I'd love to dance with you if you'd let me."

"Oh, I can't do that," she said, waving my hand away. "I can barely walk, milaya (sweetie)."

"Hey, as your carer, I am insisting that you dance with me," I said, feigning sternness.

She hesitated, before resting her hand in mine and smiling with gratitude. The two of us danced together, myself being careful to keep her upright and make sure she didn't overexert herself. She was smiling and laughing as I spun her around, dancing her all around the living room, and it warmed my heart to see her so cheery.

A knock on the door caused me to excuse myself from Anna, only to find Wanda on the other end.

"Someone's in a good mood," she said instantly, taking note of my smile.

I stepped to the side to let her in. "Yeah, well, Anna is doing good today. It's contagious, what can I say?"

Before Wanda could respond, Anna called from the living-area with excitement.

"Wanda, idi syuda i potantsuy so mnoy!" she exclaimed, already grabbing Wanda's hand and pulling her in.

It didn't take a genius to know that Anna had basically asked Wanda to dance with her. I chuckled as I followed after them, enjoying the sight of Anna and Wanda dancing together.

"What's the occasion?" Wanda asked, glancing over the short woman and to me with a helpless smile.

"No occasion," I quipped, crossing my arms and trying to hold in my laughter at Anna's speed and perseverance with a reluctant Wanda. "Just having a good time."

Wanda looked like she wanted to retort with a comment, but Anna spun her around before she could, making me laugh aloud.

"Prikhodi odin, milaya (come on, sweetie)!" Anna said, holding out a hand. "Dance!"

Unable to resist, I joined in with the two Sokovian women, appreciating how happy Anna looked and how awkward Wanda felt in the situation. She wasn't much of a dancer, but she was trying and God was that adorable.

We danced for a little while longer until Anna's back began to hurt and she took a seat. Though, she insisted that Wanda and I resume with our dancing.

Just on time, like a sign from the universe or a higher being or whatever you wanted to believe in, a slow song came on next, filling the apartment soothingly.

To my surprise, the awkward dancer that was Wanda was oddly confident as she held out her hand to me.

"Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?" she asked softly, a small smile playing on her lips.

At the familiarity of her words, I glanced to Anna, who seemed to pick up on it, too. She said nothing as she watched us with a smile of her own.

"I'd love to," I said, looking back to Wanda's eyes.

They looked blue in the light, a beautiful sky blue that put me at ease as soon as I stared into them. I slipped my hand into hers, letting her pull us closer together as she rested her other hand on my waist, the touch sending shivers up my spine. I put mine on her shoulder, allowing her to take the lead.

It was the most intimate we'd been, and as she maintained eye contact, I wondered if she could feel my hands trembling slightly, or my heart hammering loudly, or my palms turning a little sweaty. She made me nervous in the best way possible, her smile dazzling without realising and her eyes piercing without meaning to be.

She must have felt it, too, that tug in the pit of her stomach that I was feeling now. Otherwise there was something seriously wrong and I was already too deep into a crush on my patient's neighbour.

When the song ended, it feeling like mere seconds in total, she let go of me and I missed the contact and the smell of her perfume and the way she was looking at me.

"Couldn't have done it better myself," Anna spoke, forcing me to tear my gaze from Wanda's lips. She smiled at me knowingly. "You ladies definitely know how to dance."

I felt a heat creeping up my neck as I smiled to myself, distracting myself with the laces on my shoes. When I finally brought myself to look up, I saw Wanda already looking my way, a calm expression on her face.

As she did most times she visited, Wanda stayed with me and Anna until I tucked Anna into bed and bid her a goodnight. We left the apartment and Wanda decided to walk me to the lift that evening, a distracted look on her face.

It was silent between us, a comfortable one, until the doors slid open and I looked to her with kind eyes.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I told her, making her look to me. "Have a nice evening, Wanda."

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. I watched with amusement, wondering what was going on in that pretty head of hers. The lift doors began to shut, so I put my foot between them to keep them open.

"I should go," I said with an awkward laugh, before grabbing her hand and squeezing it gently since she wouldn't speak. "Goodnight."

When I turned to leave, I got, maybe, a step into the lift before I felt her fingers wrap around my wrist and tug me backwards, spinning me around. I didn't get chance to ask what was up as she stepped forward, pressing her lips to mine in an instant.

Startled, I froze at the contact, but then her hand rested on the back of my neck as her thumb caressed my jaw, and I found myself melting into her, closing my eyes at the blissful feeling.

Her other hand fell to my waist as she deepened the kiss, sending me into the lift and the wall hitting my back. I moved my lips in time with hers, revelling at how soft and delicate and gentle she was being. Kissing Wanda Maximoff wasn't something I had realised would be this good, but now that I was, I never wanted to stop.

Unfortunately, the sound of the lift doors shutting pulled us apart. I was breathless, my heart racing and my lips swollen from her spectacular kiss.

"I've wanted to do that for such a long time," she revealed, stepping back a little. Her eyes were bright and her cheeks were flushed as she watched me with mild concern. "I completely should have asked though. I'm sorry that I overstepped."

She pursed her lips, forefinger and thumb pinching her bottom lip regretfully and gaze falling to the floor.

"You didn't overstep," I said, already missing the sensation of her lips against mine. "You stepped just the right amount."

She looked back up, eyes softening as her lips curved into a radiant smile.

"You wanna, maybe, do that again?" I asked without thinking, my mind a haze as Wanda still remained so close to me.

She laughed melodiously before raising her hand and cupping my cheek. Her eyes looked between mine before falling to my lips affectionately.

"I'd love to, dorogoy (darling)."

I smiled toothlessly before closing the gap between us, secretly wishing this lift ride would go on forever if it meant I could kiss Wanda like this.

—

After making out with Wanda in the lift, she asked me out on a date and it was the best date I'd ever been on. Nothing over the top but very thoughtful as she took me for a picnic in the park before getting ice cream for dessert.

We went on a few more dates after that, taking turns to take the lead with them, and she ended up asking me to be her girlfriend which of course I said yes to.

All whilst this was going on, I still cared for Anna and Wanda paid her visits when she could, though we tried to remain as normal as possible. We didn't think it was best to tell Anna that we were together since we didn't want to startle her or make her feel uncomfortable in our presence. Of course, keeping a secret from Anna is as good as nothing when she had eyes like a hawk.

Wanda and I were putting a plate of tea and biscuits together for Anna one day, myself lining up the biscuits neatly as Wanda lingered beside me. She was about to grab a biscuit from the plate when I smacked her hand away.

"Just one," she pleaded, but I shook my head before nodding to the packet on the side.

"Help yourself to those," I told her condescendingly. "These are for Anna."

"Just get her another," she said simply, before reaching over again.

I smacked her hand away again, giving her a knowing look.

"Y/N!"

"Wanda!" I mirrored her childish smile.

She narrowed her eyes petulantly. "Are you seriously doing this right now?"

"Are you?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

She pouted and I so badly wanted to lean forward and kiss it away, but Anna was sat on her recliner behind us. Wanda seemed to know this as a mischievous smile fell on her lips, eyes watching me carefully.

"You're not cute," I mumbled, before grabbing the tray and turning to leave. As I was walking to Anna, a biscuit began to float off the plate, red wisps of energy wrapped around it and bringing it to– "Wanda!"

She laughed, eyes glowing red with magic, before grabbing the biscuit from mid-air and taking a bite.

"Such a child," I said under my breath before setting the tray on the coffee table before Anna. Smiling at her, I said, "Here you go, Anna. Do you want anything else?"

As I straightened up, flipping Wanda off behind my back and encouraging her laughter further, I noticed the way Anna looked between us both curiously.

"Everything okay?" I asked, eyebrows knitting together as she continued to study us both.

"Something happened," she decided. "Between you both."

"What do you mean?" I asked, taking a seat on the couch. "Nothing happened."

"Something definitely did," she said knowingly. "I may be old, milaya (sweetie), but I have very good eyes."

"Anna, what are you talking about?" Wanda played dumb, taking a seat beside me, biscuit in hand.

"Don't think I haven't seen the way you two steal glances when you think I'm not looking," she said, pointing between us. "Or the way you," her finger settled on Wanda, "have been helping Y/N out more often than usual."

Wanda and I flushed, embarrassed that we'd been caught out. I was so certain that we'd successfully hid it from her, but clearly we were mistaken.

"We wanted to tell you," Wanda began, cheeks still pink as she leaned forward.

Anna silenced her with a wave of her hand. "Save it. I knew I was right. You two are together."

Pursing my lips, I waited for her to say something because I wasn't really sure what to say myself. Suddenly, a smile appeared on her lips.

"I'm very happy for you both," she said to us. "Wanda here always needed somebody in her life who wasn't me. And you, Y/N, are the perfect match for her."

I chuckled, looking to the girl in question, whose face was as red as her powers that she used to torment me with. I grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently, and nudged her in the shoulder.

"You hear that? Perfect match," I teased, making her roll her eyes to distract from her flustered self.

Anna said something to her in Russian, way too fast and incomprehensible for me to understand, even with the extra effort I was making to learn it. Whatever it was, it made Wanda get even more embarrassed, her green eyes darting around the room in an effort to overcome it.

"What did you say?" I asked Anna with amusement.

"Oh, nothing Wanda hasn't heard before," she said dismissively. "It's all okay. Isn't it, Wanda?"

"Yeah," Wanda mumbled.

"I don't know what's happening here, but I'm all for someone putting Wanda in her place," I said, looking between them both with an entertained smile.

Anna chuckled as Wanda shoved me in the arm gently before pulling me close again. I smiled at how cute she looked, pink blush creeping up her neck and teeth chewing on her lower lip to contain her smile.

I'd never get sick of the sight.

[brw]

wait i saw you already answered a scarletvision one so im gonna change my ask to doomreed

Gives nose/forehead kisses

at first reed exclusively he's gonna stretch his gross dinosaur neck over to give a Smooch HOWEVER once victor gets used to Affection™ he will Go In For It.

Gets jealous the most

easily victor reed is too dense to notice someone flirting w/ his lover and victor is mentally ill <3

Picks the other up from the bar when they're too drunk to drive

victor would not risk vulnerability by getting drunk and its a semi popular fanon thing that reed is a lightweight so. victor <3

Takes care of on sick days

both of them but especially reed victor trusts like two people maximum to help him when he gets sick and that's boris and reed. reed absolutely loves the chance to get wet cloths and hot water bottles out.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day

honestlyyy it might be victor?? like i feel like getting him out of his armour into beach wear is an incredible enough feat in its own right that reed is happy to leave it at that but victor's like if i've debased myself into wearing a speedo i might as well do it right. to the water we go.

Gives unprompted massages

both of them ; that armour is fucking HEAVYYYYY and victor's shoulders are VERY fucked he needs the relief and i think victor enjoys reed turning into a Literal Puddle that he'll just do it whenever.

Drives/rides shotgun

victor had a chauffeur he refuses for him or reed to drive ^_^

Brings the other lunch at work

reed probably brings snacks when victor is committing Science Crimes and vise versa but in all honesty i don't think either of them can cook. they probably both ask boris to bring the other a proper meal at different times it fhat counts??

Has the better parental relationship

despite his parents being long dead victor. nathaniel richards is just an absolutely awful father reed's relationship with him is. Poor. tbh his mother seemed nice & good enough but she died when he was fuckin 7 so her influence on his life. remains to be seen.

Tries to start role-playing in bed

neither of them but if it would be anyone it would be victor. reed is asexual and i have decided sex neutral he does not care if it happens or not he has no Strong Opinions it is a thing that happens and if victor has any thoughts on How it should Happen that's up to victor. the idea of victor wanting to try some kinky rp is. really funny tbh.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer

reed just sort of melts while drunk so it's gonna have to be victor. provided he doesn't start crying first.

Still cries watching Titanic

honestly victor he'd do it silently with his mask on so reed doesn't know.... reed does not cry during movies. he finds most of them kind of stupid.

Firmly believes in couple costumes

i don't think either of them in all honesty neither of them are the type to dress up in costumes either way? i think both of them would need to be forced into it by somebody jdjsdd.

Breaks the expensive gift rule

victor more than reed but both of them, reed i think tends to make things as gifts when they do them to make sure they're really meaningful, victor meanwhile is like i searched the world and murdered 10 people and staged a heist to get the original of this da vinci portrait you said you liked once or some shit ajdnjdndnf

Makes the other eat breakfast

victor. he's like do you have any idea how hard it is to import maple syrup when ur running a dictatorship. eat the goddamned pancakes richards.

Remembers anniversaries

despite all fans try to tell me otherwise i do think reed remembers more dates than they give him credit for... and i can see victor straight up not registering that anniversaries are a thing you're supposed to celebrate. tbh i don't see either of them making that big a deal of it bc both of them are mostly Ambivalent but i'm gonna say reed over victor.

Brings up having kids

reed i imagine! i mean he has two of them and victor is Absolutely Terrified of messing up with his new 20 y/o daughter so i think reed would have to bc he's a lot more comfortable with the subject.

send a ship and i'll tell you who...

[digi-tama-in-your-pocket]

Happy New Year everyone

I actually never really left the Digimon fandom but I go pretty dormant in it pretty frequently. I don't want to let that happen again. At least not to the degree that I have in the past, everyone does need a break and to enjoy other things, y'know?

I haven't had a real v-pet since I was a child excluding the now defunct Digimon Unlimited fan game and Tamagotchi LIFE for mobile phones, technically got back into the V-pet hobby in 2020 but it was at the tail end, like late november, when a deal on yellow DM20th appeared on my twitter feed, and I hadn't been aware they existed. I certainly didn't know it was all 5 OG eggs rolled up into one device when I bought it. I was so happy to know it was more than I expected it to be. But I still count 2021 as the year I really got back into the v-pet hobby.

2020 I had one DM20, one DMX3, and a gen1 Tamagotch..

But in 2021 I added to my collection, five more DM20ths, two more DMXes with two more preordered, two Pen 20ths, two more OG Tamagotchis, a Gigapets AR T-Rex, a Digivice ver. Complete, all six Pen Zs, the Digimon Vital Bracelet and several Dim Cards, a Pocket Pikachu Color, a Dinkie Dino, a Tamagotchi Nano ( Hello Kitty edition ), a Giga Pets Pixie, a Tamagotchi ON, and in the mail I have a Tamagotchi Angel, several more DIM cards, a Dragon Quest pedometer pet, and an OG Giga Pet Digital Doggy. .....( and if you really wanna stretch the definition of virutal pets I got the Monster Rancher DX port and have been playing Sonic Adventure 2 again, also an LCD screen pokeball game which is v-pet adjacent )

( pets not pictured are stored inside this box with lovely stickers )

coincidentally, I either need to take a serious chill pill on my spending, or start making more money on my commissions. But either way, 2021 was definitely the year of virtual pets for me and I'm hoping I find some more new goodies in 2022.

Plans going into 2022 is to keep drawing my virtual pets as I raise them. And start cycling my virtual pets a little more often. I set a maximum number of devices ( and i'm kinda sorta breaking that limit but I don't count the vital bracelet or digivice tbh ) and I told myself I would allow myself to raise at least two eggs before forcing myself to swap. But I think my new rule going forward will be to swap out my pets at the start of every month.

The only ones exempt from this will be my Vital Bracelet since it's the newest one and is encouraging me to exercise, and my DM20ths since it's my favorite device and I just always want to have one running at all time, with my green one being my "primary" device.

I'm going to turn a blind eye to my Tamagotchi and DM20th for the rest of the night. Hate doing it, but it's time. I just want new eggs on my DM20th, but I'm gonna swap out the Tamagotchi for a Tamagotchi ON. My first ever modern Tamagotchi. My rechargable AAA batteries came in the mail today so i'm fully equipped.

The DMX will be given an extension. Once it evolves to it's final stage, i'll put it in backup, and run a different device. I'm thinking a pendulum this time. Or maybe a non-digimon device. Dinkie Dino is calling me. Maybe i'll do a poll....

And by pure conidience, i'll be putting my current vital bracelet digimon in storage... has nothing to do with the end of the month/year. I just always intended to store him once he became ultimate, and he just turned into an ultimate as I typed this post:

( Pro Tip: It's smart to have digimon from each evolution stage in storage on your app so you can do more battles without eating your tickets. Maximize your rewards. Besides I like seeing more than just Mega Digimon. )

Anyway, once again, Happy New Year guys. Let me know if you got any digimon or virtual pet related resolutions hm?

[irwinscuddlebuddy]

🎀💗🎀💗

Yall I wish I carried on with Ballet when I was little, I'm trying to get back into it but I feel like I'm too late to do it bc I can't bend or hold my legs like they do. I ordered pointe shoes but I've had to send them back twice bc they don't fit and there aren't any dance shops near me to help with getting the right size. If I do ballet it'll keep me preoccupied from eating as well, that might be one of the reasons I want to get back into it idk but I just want to do it more often.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: we forgot another one off the 💀💀💀 list Jimmy: you gonna stick or twist? Janis: 👊 me if you give a shit Janis: need all the ways at my disposal Jimmy: here you are then, hot glue gun Janis: 🤔 Janis: sounds like a bit of 💀👑 & 💀#2 if you take it to your 🗢 and slowly starve Janis: still leaning towards 🔪 personally Jimmy: Alright, I'll invite them over Jimmy: keep your jealousy in check, my dear Janis: Jealous of you or them? Jimmy: ain't goals either way Janis: Neither is you taking up crafting, tbh so Janis: why have you got a hot glue gun? Jimmy: these cotton wool balls won't stick themselves to a 👕 Jimmy: gotta get 'em on before 💀👑 and 💀#2 think I've put snacks on Janis: 🤢 Janis: new 😎 look? Janis: 👎 Jimmy: piss off, this 🥉💡's nowt to do with me Janis: Who's is it? Janis: they ain't wasting snacks Jimmy: dunno, some other dickhead online whose kid don't wanna be a 🐑 an' all Janis: Ohh Janis: one of the more creative nativity outfits too, unlucky Janis: no tinfoil 👑s or dubious tea towels Jimmy: still looks shit enough to make our kid 😭 Janis: and you ain't got enough days to ship a probably shittier version from China Janis: alright, hold on Jimmy: I get that you live in the middle of nowt but nicking a 🐑 for #inspo ain't gonna help Janis: yeah, way to ruin my fun Janis: but my ma has had enough kids to have some ideas so you owe me for how 🥱 but informative this will be Jimmy: be a right laugh for you, be another pet I didn't ask for and have to piss about with Janis: or sunday lunch Janis: pessimist Jimmy: he's 😭 already, dickhead Janis: and I thought you northerners were meant to be hard Janis: grim and that Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Janis: Anyway, you want me to surprise you with the 🥇💡 or do you just want the lowdown on where to go Jimmy: depends Janis: on? Jimmy: if I can unstick myself or need your 💪🏆 Janis: 😏 Janis: how about I get on the bus to town now Janis: and if you manage to deal with your sticky fingers before I get there, then you can go? Jimmy: how's your ankle? Janis: not even on the scale now Jimmy: might be after you've put your foot down 🚍💣 Janis: Keanu could untangle you in 90 minutes, I reckon Janis: easy Jimmy: he ain't been pissing about 🐕🏃 Jimmy: how many you done? Janis: loads Janis: 💸 'cos the gifts don't buy 'em selves and the 🐕 owners are too busy sticking cotton balls to t-shirts, clearly 🎄✨ Jimmy: nice one, Janet Jimmy: now I'LL have to keep my jealousy in check while you put your 🦶 up on some other 🚍 riding knobhead Janis: only fair Janis: especially as you've reminded me how rammed that fucking bus is gonna be now Jimmy: I'll give one of my 👮 mates a bell to get you a 🚔 escort, hang on Janis: 😍 the perks Janis: there had to be some Jimmy: 🤡 perks off you Jimmy: won't be no struggle getting yourself on that 🚍 however full it is Janis: I'm pretty flexible Janis: contortionist might be a bold claim but 💪🏆 Jimmy: but it ain't a proper flex til I say it Jimmy: 💔 for you Janis: that's a fake flex Janis: don't need you for nothing Jimmy: after what happened on the assault course it'd sound like a real pisstake Janis: 1. that's agility if it's anything 2. also your fault Jimmy: never said it weren't, just how it'd sound Janis: No need to tell me what it 🔊 like Janis: the DMs are on the up again, yeah? Janis: same Jimmy: tis the season Janis: cutting it a bit fine to get a decent gift out of it Janis: but I suppose the couply selfies you can take are a close 🥈 for them Jimmy: can't keep the receipt on chlamydia but you can blag you went somewhere nice for the hols Janis: girls are actually demented Janis: at least no lad is gonna try and put me in matching knitwear and make me meet his nan Jimmy: 🥇💡 idea though I'll get you a #goals gift that ain't a trip to the cemetery Janis: oh yeah Janis: I'll get you something as well, even though I'm not required to try as hard Jimmy: stick a 🎀 on yourself and have done Jimmy: what the rest of the lasses do Janis: yeah literally Janis: as long as I heavily imply I'm gonna suck your dick, all is well, all is #goals Jimmy: 👍 Janis: but if you don't do good that # is gonna be a read Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: even if you get out the glue after me Janis: you can come to the shops too Jimmy: I thought you were gonna say even if you give me the glue gun #regifted Janis: I mean Janis: not quite handcuffs Jimmy: fuck's sake babe, let me leave my work at work Janis: fine Janis: the 🚔 escort will as you won't Jimmy: you and your stolen 🐑 Jimmy: dead romantic, that Janis: I'm not from the middle of nowhere, tah Janis: 🐑shagging isn't a hobby Jimmy: back to the drawing board for our fake break up Janis: all the shite songs they pump out have plenty of inspo in 'em Jimmy: nowt I don't know about 🎄🎵 been forced to hear 'em since November Janis: 💔 gutted Jimmy: no chance of 🎻 Janis: how have you not fully lost it yet Janis: only a few days to go Jimmy: how'd you know I've not? Janis: I'd have heard of a mass shooting Janis: not that out of it Janis: also my sister wouldn't be about no more which would be a bigger giveaway Jimmy: 👻 letdowns Jimmy: worst I can do is rattle a few cups Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: I'm used to it Janis: the friendmas organisation is in full swing Janis: 🤡🔫 Jimmy: where's my invite? Janis: OMG, no boys allowed! 🚫 Janis: though bets on Mia breaking her own rule there just to torture Grace Jimmy: I'll 👗👠💄 and be a prettier lass than any of them Janis: 😍 what kind of fake gf would disagree Janis: aside from the fact that ain't a stretch on a good day Jimmy: tah Jimmy: when is it? Janis: [some day as close to xmas as you are allowed 'cos pretending we're such good mates like okay] Jimmy: alright Jimmy: 🖋🩸 Janis: like, no offence or anything, babes Janis: but I don't see you passing REALLY 😬 Janis: and even they might notice they've picked up another desperado Jimmy: 1. piss off would I not 2. call it my 🎁 seeing the look on 💀👑 when I bring her 🎄 cake Janis: it would be decent craic Janis: they never do it at ours though Jimmy: typical, that, can't get sodding rid the rest of the year Jimmy: have to get us an 💌 then, won't I Jimmy: hang on Janis: I get it Janis: you miss Asia Janis: don't think 💀👑 has 'em do team-building exercises 💔💔💔 Jimmy: yeah, cupid's arrow's got nowt on falling on your arse when the ground's near froze Jimmy: reminded me of home 😍😍😍 Janis: she's well considerate like that Janis: not so braindead after-all Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: don't wanna give 💀👑 the 🎁 of seeing I've had to flirt with her to crash their bollocks festivities Janis: can't play into her hands that hard Janis: keep your 😍😍😍 focused in the right direction Jimmy: 🚍 Janis: yes, this is your driver speaking Jimmy: be a 🚑 if your mum ain't cracked on to a way I can chuck this glue gun Janis: I've sorted it Janis: well my sister's shit taste in fashion helped Jimmy: usually get 💰 for 3rd degree burns, me Jimmy: how's that for a flex? Janis: You made a rod for your own back being the artsy one or what? Jimmy: weren't gonna let a 6 year old have a go, were I? Janis: and it's not Ian's thing Jimmy: dunno where he is Jimmy: might be work, might be the pub Jimmy: be a better shout to give it over to my sister, anger issues an' all, any road Janis: you can put it down and get yourself a drink now Janis: all I need you to have is a black marker, which I know you do Jimmy: #whenshereallygetsyou Jimmy: 🥃 cheers Janis: you know those sherpa jackets they all have Janis: makes them look like a giant 🧸 but not in the adorbs way they're hoping Janis: Penneys has loads of them, get a paper plate, glue it on the hood and colour it in black, cut another in half for the ears and ta-da Janis: and I'll just take the jacket so no need to pay me back Janis: only in favours, obviously Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: IOU enough 🚬 to send that cheap shite up in flames, I get it Janis: yeah, probably don't string some fairylights round his neck as well Janis: would've taken hers but it's almost pink and I reckoned that'd just make him 😭 more Jimmy: you'd have to nick them an' all for him to be in any danger Jimmy: and what kind of fake boyfriend would let you up on the neighbour's roof with that ankle Janis: you want some lights? Janis: it's the easiest shop to borrow from Janis: they must have some that aren't shaped like the 🍆 emoji or a fucking unicorn Jimmy: 💔 I ain't coming with, you've really sold it to me Janis: oh, duh Janis: you call it primark Janis: it's hell on earth, you'd love it Janis: when they ain't guzzling your over-priced coffee, they're getting fast fashion made by little slave kids 💖 so cute Jimmy: hang on, why the fuck do you call it something different? Jimmy: now I have to come, not gonna knit an ugly jumper myself and nan's 💀💀💀 Janis: adds to our delightful charm? I don't know Janis: imagine the atrocities Janis: I'm gonna find the best, by which I mean WORST, one Jimmy: I'll meet you there Jimmy: be enough dickheads to follow if I get lost Janis: follow the knock-off UGGs they've trashed in the rain and snow Jimmy: hot Jimmy: don't get enough wet 🐕 smell off of you as is or owt Janis: err fuck off Janis: I haven't even got a dog, you have Jimmy: I have nowt to do with it, you can't move for 🐕🐾💩 Janis: 1. I don't fucking smell, dickhead 2. you're well opposed to me showering so you'd have yourself to blame if I did Jimmy: I'll nick you a 🦽 and you can do what you like Jimmy: many cold 🚿 as you need, mate Janis: you just want me to freeze now Janis: and your ⛓ kink hasn't got any less blatant Jimmy: weren't the way you wanna 💀💀💀 Janis: It ain't Janis: so your genius plan better include a way to warm me up Jimmy: might do Janis: the ugly jumper don't count Janis: cheap shit, as mentioned Jimmy: don't remember chucking it in the ring as my 💡 Janis: I don't wanna dress up as a sheep neither 😏 Jimmy: 💔 you'd be a well fit and mysterious one Janis: the racial undertones of ba ba black sheep have already been pointed out Janis: very on the nose Jimmy: I ain't got as far as black facing our kid, what more do you want? Janis: yeah, minorities are WELL demanding like that Jimmy: that'll be why Ian's steering well clear Janis: 💔💔 of course Jimmy: 🎻😭💔 Janis: thank god this is fake dating Janis: don't need a get out situation, tah Jimmy: knew you were protesting too much about the ⛓ Jimmy: you love it, Jules Jimmy: don't even need the stockholm syndrome to kick in Janis: not so much I wanna try it with your dad Janis: that's more 💀👑 gig Jimmy: UGH FINE we won't pass you round Janis: 😂 you're vile Jimmy: 💕 Janis: not as bad as some of the 'people' on this bus though Janis: won't be too hard to pretend to be glad to see you, in case any of the herd as in Penneys Janis: glad to breathe clean air more like but 🤫 Jimmy: 🚭 I get it Jimmy: very subtle Janis: easier to get you to cut down if I just take half Janis: but alright Jimmy: stop having a go at my stamina, dickhead Janis: make me Janis: 🤐 Jimmy: 🏃 after your 🚍 ain't the way to go about it Janis: Impressive but also stalkerish, yeah Jimmy: turning every dickhead there into a fan ain't clearing either of our DMs Janis: I doubt all these 👵👴 have Instas Janis: but the single mums with the screaming kids, definitely Janis: don't wanna ponder the creepy guy at the back Jimmy: but have you double checked it ain't Lucas in a disguise? Jimmy: he'll be missing you SO bad by now Janis: 😱😱 Janis: my hopes? ⬆️ Jimmy: 🎁's have begun, Jasmine Janis: Good Janis: I do expect one every day tbh 💅 Jimmy: alright Janis: that's a joke though Jimmy: don't have to be Jimmy: 🏆🥇 me Janis: only if you're gonna steal 'em all Janis: don't need to waste real money for the fake #goals Jimmy: DUH Janis: then proceed Janis: I can slowly just put them in Grace's room, I'm sure Jimmy: we could use the glue gun to stick 'em to her ceiling Janis: now you're talking 😍 Jimmy: do 💀👑 an' all if that's where their friendmas is but probably need a ladder to reach her ceilings Jimmy: no standing on the bed when you're 💰💰💰 Janis: You love to carry me, I'll get on your shoulders Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I think it's at hers Janis: maybe 💀#2 but none of the others want their houses and lives judged that hard so they opt out Jimmy: we'll be able to get some more blackmail material either way Janis: Did you seriously get an invite? Jimmy: are you actually doubting me or what? Janis: I know Asia's thick as shit but Janis: what did you say? Jimmy: [sends her the messages cos it seriously wouldn't be hard since the flatwhites think everyone wants to be their BFFs even though the opposite is true, so all he'd have to do is be like soz about the school trip we're just SO IN LOVE WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES] Janis: 🙄🙄 Janis: fairplay but 🤢 🤮 🤧 😷 ���� 🤕 new scale needed Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: where are you? Janis: Do you actually know your way about yet or? Janis: I'm still a bit away, though, if that's what you mean Jimmy: I did mean on your new 🤢 🤮 🤧 😷 🤒 🤕 scale Janis: 🤕 then Janis: clearly Janis: you? Jimmy: 🤮 Jimmy: weren't talking to 💀👑 Jimmy: directly anyway Janis: She'd not have said yes Janis: unless she's got some pig blood just waiting, like Jimmy: she's so #invested in our 💘 she'd say yeah near enough whatever I said Jimmy: probably reckons she can 💔 us before the pudding's served Jimmy: her 🥇💡'll be to have Asia in a sexy santa outfit ready to crack onto me or some bollocks Janis: nah, seriously Janis: wanna talk pimps Janis: one of Asia's only uses Janis: poor bitch Jimmy: I'll take my 🎻 Janis: as long as it don't look like you're 💔 you can't go there, fine by me Jimmy: I get that none of them can read body language but facial expressions are a bit easier Janis: and you are so expressive Janis: 😒😎 Jimmy: for you, baby, the 😎'll be off Jimmy: nowt to do with the 🌧 and 🌨 Janis: 😳😖🤤🥴 Janis: so many expressions 🏆 Jimmy: Oi, I wanted to give you the 🏆 Jimmy: pissed on today's 🎁 Janis: 😮 there's me, still acting surprised Janis: you can't say you're gonna give me something then not Jimmy: SUCH range, you Jimmy: where would I steal a 🏆 from? nah, you'll get something Janis: I take my wins in many forms Janis: you can just tell me Janis: that'll work Jimmy: you can just wait Janis: 🥺 Janis: original scale Jimmy: it'll be worth it Jimmy: famous last words Janis: can poison the dish we have to bring Janis: if you're ready to go 💀💀💀 Jimmy: I don't wanna go with them Jimmy: just you Janis: I can promise it'll be worth it then too Jimmy: alright Janis: am gonna make that meal fucking inedible for them Janis: even if it's coming straight back up in most cases Janis: and fucking with them however else we can  💭 Jimmy: 🤞 Bill's 👻 knows some others, Dickens would be a good shout to keep things on brand 🎄 Jimmy: but whether he do or don't I've had loads of piss poor dinners Jimmy: Ian knows how to pick well #goals girlfriends Janis: think he'd be the 'what's the point in you if you can't cook n clean?' type Janis: being mysterious runs in the family, clearly Jimmy: beggars can't be choosers, mate Jimmy: slim pickings round that office when you've already been done for harassment Janis: 😬 Janis: need to talk to Mia's dad, work out the legality of being a perv with no repercussions Jimmy: how he tells it he's had loads 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: woe's him Janis: woe's the stupid bitches still going there after, more like Janis: have a word, ladies Jimmy: sort your heads out Sharons Jimmy: need a new mum who's got her shit together, tah very much Janis: one who's handy with a hot glue gun Jimmy: or a sewing machine, why the fuck not dream big? Janis: steady on Janis: #mommygoals isn't a hashtag I wanna endorse Jimmy: 😏 Janis: take mine, if you like Jimmy: bit weird Janis: I only 🐕🏃 Janis: cooking, cleaning, hot glueing, not services I provide, soz Jimmy: I'll live Jimmy: more #goals to be fuming about your mother in law Janis: easily done Jimmy: with my mum an' all, soz you'll have to take my word for it Janis: you're unlikely to see mine Janis: unless you have a banging selection of herbal teas Jimmy: gutted she don't wanna see her 🐑💡 brought to life on stage Janis: reckon turning up when you ain't got a kid in it gets you on a register, no? Janis: my dad coulda, sure some of his spawn are performing too but alas Janis: she didn't have that many 🥈 Jimmy: Ian's seat's going spare is all, obvs it were front and centre, dad of the year that he is Janis: what's he got on? Janis: latest disciplinary Janis: is your brother gutted? Jimmy: he'd be gutted if I weren't there Jimmy: what a #humblebrag Janis: good thing you can be arsed then Janis: and you have a sister too, right? Jimmy: dragging her along, kicking and marding 💪🏆 Janis: know the feeling Janis: bribe her with maccies after and tell him it's a treat for being a ⭐ Janis: everyone's buzzing Jimmy: what've you got on? Janis: me and my absolutely packed schedule? Janis: only 🐕🏃 ain't far off, aside from what I wanna, which can be done any time I want, of course Jimmy: nowt 🥇 about mine but we could edit it to look like we're #livingourbestlives Jimmy: I live right by the school, you could wait for me there, take some 📷 or whatever Janis: It's actually not an awful shout Janis: they're all obsessed with the cute kid thing Janis: and actually, Asia might be there with hers so Janis: very goals Jimmy: do try and put it out my head there's more than one set of those 🦷🦷 about Jimmy: fuck it, come then Jimmy: least I know you'll be sitting down Janis: 😂 fuck marrying a doctor, she's gotta find a dentist, for the whole family's sake Janis: I'm not coming in a 🦽 though Janis: that's a bit much Jimmy: #ultimategoals Jimmy: just admit you want me to carry you, girl Janis: behave Janis: might not be OUR teachers, but they'll have no issue telling you off, I'm sure Jimmy: donkey'd be a bit much but as fake pregnancy announcements go, top tier Janis: so gutted I can't fake labour and give birth to the new lord and saviour Janis: really steal the show Jimmy: could if it's Lucas' and you're making a Christmas cuck of me Janis: um, it's God's Janis: keep up Jimmy: sure it is Janis: 😱 Janis: didn't catch Joseph acting up like this Jimmy: didn't give him any lines, did they? Janis: I think he gets to ask if there's any room at the inn Jimmy: Oi mate, give us a 🛏 Jimmy: brought my own ⛓ like Janis: don't even get a break mid-labour Janis: hardcore Janis: weren't you Joseph in your nativity then? Jimmy: that your guess? Janis: yeah, I reckon Jimmy: what were you? Janis: just a generic angel Janis: was going to be one of the wise men but grace threw a fit if we weren't exactly the same Janis: tah for the downgrade Jimmy: if they could 👀 you now Jimmy: oscar worthy fake girlfriend performance day in, day out Janis: obviously they didn't see my potential like you, babe Janis: she might have legitimately tried to murder me if I got to be Mary 😂 no she weren't a twin, like Jimmy: I actually were one of the wise men, soz, sweetheart Jimmy: could've been #fated Janis: bet you was frankincense 'cos you could say big words Janis: I'm so 😭 honestly Jimmy: as roleplays go, not my top choice, but owt for you, babe Janis: if anything is a test of how well you can fake it Jimmy: you testing me? Janis: depends Jimmy: ? Janis: if we have the time to make THREE costumes instead of one Janis: I highly doubt it Janis: 😏 Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: tin foil 👑 weren't it? Janis: yeah, and some kind of bedsheet robe, bit of tinsel Janis: sorted Jimmy: bet they have a 👸🏽 I can nick for you if your description of that shop were owt to go by Janis: definitely Janis: even if the hen party ones have L plates and dicks over 'em, the Disney ones should be a bit more nativity appropriate Jimmy: steal the show piss easy Janis: LOVE making little kids cry, obvs Jimmy: same Jimmy: just ain't as good when they're deaf, you can't get the volume out of 'em Jimmy: gutted we didn't end up with one who always shouts, obvs Janis: I'm gonna assume you got that deaf free pass and not go there myself Jimmy: safer to take owt I say with  🧂🤏 Jimmy: all fake anyway this Janis: ain't forgotten, you're alright Jimmy: didn't hit your head, I remember Janis: wouldn't tell you if I had Janis: the drama'd be too much Jimmy: I'd have worked that much out Jimmy: northern and only a bit thick Janis: 😵😵 Jimmy: no excuses, pisshead Janis: I know, I know Janis: you pride yourself on being 🏆💪 at the whole fake caring bf thing Jimmy: you saying I'm not? Janis: didn't say that, nah Jimmy: what then? Janis: what do you mean what? Janis: nothing Jimmy: 👌 Janis: you're lucky you live in town Jimmy: about the only thing mine's got going for it Janis: yeah Janis: this bus ride has nothing though so take the 🍀 Jimmy: how long? Janis: gimme 15 Jimmy: [gives her whatever he's drawn her for the first advent doodle because I was hoping to find something but I've been cockblocked] Jimmy: [maybe it's her as a lil bub wise man though now cos live your dreams] Janis: [love that, when you dunno what to say for a hot sec so you post it first being fake but lowkey having to tell the real story somewhat 'cos like, why and what else so it can't be that fake] Janis: you are good at art, give you that Jimmy: @ Ms Howe Jimmy: 💰 on her having a real account but dunno what it is Jimmy: @artteacheroveralls73 Jimmy: @reasonswhyloadsofartistsareproblematic Jimmy: @ihatenortherners86 Janis: you aren't her fave? Janis: 💔 Janis: cliche affair could've cut out any need for fake dating Jimmy: not a lass with a bowl cut and 🖌 behind her 👂 Janis: you've got the same type Janis: bummer Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 Janis: we can say it is Janis: maybe one of 'em will chop off all their hair Jimmy: you'd have to an' all Jimmy: unless you're that 🥇 I've binned off my type Janis: Precisely Janis: no competition Jimmy: what's yours then? just 👴 who teach you or what? Janis: must be Janis: not a lesbian and that's the other guess Jimmy: 👍 Janis: tah Janis: well affirming Jimmy: didn't need telling that you weren't gay Jimmy: not that good of an actress Janis: rude Janis: basically got an oscar Jimmy: off who? Jimmy: don't count if you give it to yourself, Judith Janis: you Jimmy: you've had nowt off me but that top quality 🎨 Janis: only because you can't find a 🏆 to give me Jimmy: 'cause it's up to me what I give you Jimmy: and as rewards go, I can do better Janis: I like the drawing Jimmy: yeah? Jimmy: you can have it, instead of just a 📷 if you want Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Janis: what do you actually want Janis: in return Jimmy: what's #goals? Jimmy: other than all this nativity bollocks Janis: true, very selfless of me Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: weren't wrong about the 👼🏽 casting even if you were fuming Janis: I can fake 👼🏽 yeah Janis: but it's not really that selfless with all the #content we'll be getting Jimmy: still, I'll leave off taking your halo for a bit Janis: 'til you get me my 👸🏽 Jimmy: only fair Jimmy: can't fit a bobble hat over a head that big and with all that hair an' all Janis: still not getting a bowl cut Janis: let it go, babe Jimmy: good Jimmy: hard enough to fake the 😍 as you are Janis: yeah right Janis: hear the 🎻 from here Jimmy: play them like you mean them, babe Janis: if you wanted this to be easy for you Janis: should've picked an art hoe you could get properly 😍 over Jimmy: you're alright, a lass like that wouldn't be impressed by owt like a quick 🖋🎨 Janis: so now I'm TOO easy, yeah? Jimmy: not a tweet I'll be sending but Janis: fuck you either way Janis: just because I'm doing my job 🥇 you're gonna have a go Janis: thank me, more like Jimmy: fucking me regardless is something an easy lass would do 😏 Janis: yeah but I only fuck you 'cos you're the perfect little boyfriend so don't matter Janis: no one knows how much of a colossal dickhead you are, remember Jimmy: be about right Janis: you haven't bumped your head and forgotten the plan neither Jimmy: not yet, like Jimmy: but hell on earth were what you said Janis: if you get in way of a big mammy and her Christmas deals, you might be in luck of a fair smack, yeah Jimmy: #kinkunlocked Janis: good 'cos I won't be saving you Jimmy: 💔🎻😭 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: entertain yourself Jimmy: easy Janis: contrary to your opinion, not obsessed with your 🍆 or what you do with it Jimmy: got an inbox full of lasses who are, I'll live Janis: yeah, you're loving it Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: [a picture of him waiting for her wherever the bus comes in doing his own 🙄 because he's a nerd and also he's never gonna just wait for her outside the shop when THAT ankle] Janis: Wow, if you're gonna leave, politer ways to 💔 Jimmy: ruder ways an' all Janis: idk Janis: quite rude, that Jimmy: is it? Janis: suppose I don't have to fake my 😍 at your mug right now Jimmy: there you go then Janis: Not going to say thank you still Jimmy: 💔🎻😭 Janis: you don't need to wait though Jimmy: can't chuck myself under the 🚍 til it gets in Janis: not how you wanted it Janis: or how I said I'd do it Jimmy: never said it'd 💀💀💀 me Jimmy: you want a 🦽 or what? Janis: you want matching Janis: alright Jimmy: what could be more #goals? Janis: I quite like walking but you know Janis: as you like it Jimmy: dry your eyes, mate Jimmy: bit more nursing and you'll be well away Janis: you gonna let me go then? Jimmy: 💪🏆🥇 you Jimmy: not gonna have a choice Janis: thought you might finish the job Janis: 🦶🪓 Jimmy: did cross my mind Janis: No shit, Kathy Janis: the kink is blatant Jimmy: you could do worse, Lucas ain't gonna let you piss about in bed all day when it's his turn Janis: 🤤🤤 Janis: I like the challenge Jimmy: #blessed Janis: counting down the days Janis: #tilwemeetagain Jimmy: 🤞 you'll have him all to yourself in detention Jimmy: no tah needed Janis: you heard anything yet? Jimmy: he ain't using that for why he's not bothered to crack on with crafting a 🐑 costume Janis: 👎 Janis: he's gonna look cute Janis: not your dad Jimmy: I get it, no need for a poor man's Lucas when you can have the real thing 🥇 Janis: something like that Jimmy: 👴💕 Janis: [better show up gal] Jimmy: [resist the urge to immediately pick her up please sir] Janis: [when you're awkward like it's been ages just because there's been like a night or a day whatever reprieve love it, just like let us get to primark to get this sheep costume moment hun] Jimmy: [are we doing both on mobility scooters or him pushing her in a wheelchair/trolley because v different vibes but both iconic] Janis: [hmm, I assume their Dublin store would be big so I reckon we could go mobility scooter, you would find that more fun once you get into it too] Jimmy: [love that just don't do a me and knock a whole display of bras over yourself] Janis: [I did say we threw our bra on Mia's head so let's not reclaim that for yourself hen, though I do find them difficult to drive as someone who hasn't needed to so it will be carnage, like Primark at xmas isn't already hehe] Jimmy: [10000% am gonna say he takes off her shoes and won't give them back so instead puts on some OTT christmas slippers that are shaped like a xmas pudding or some nonsense because she's been on that ankle too much honey and we are cross] Janis: [we do not love ourselves or our lives enough to take a break so it's tea also that is amusant so yes because shan't be buying and that's the kind of mankiness you can expect from this shop or any high street one lowkey] Jimmy: [literally just gonna chuck them back on the floor or leave them in this scooter basket soz not soz, she's not walking around they won't get too trashed hens] Janis: [peeps do go feral so so can you lads, not to mention taking the piss out of all the weird things they put on clothes 'cos it do be wild] Jimmy: [they are gonna have a lovely time taking the piss out of everything and everyone tbh] Janis: [there should be peeps from school in there but like randoms so not enough to warrant a full show but as an excuse you barely need for couplish behaviour when spotted] Jimmy: [great idea cos you know there would be loads of peeps out shopping rn odds on some of them you vaguely recognise, I vote for some art hoes for the lols] Janis: [ha some art hoes out with their fam or something I live] Jimmy: [aesthetically doing the most haha] Janis: [just immaturely like there's your real girlfriend] Jimmy: [will get you with this scooter like they're bumper cars like oi] Janis: [when you don't know her name obvs so you're just shouting out really pisstakey ones like oi clem oi wren etc] Jimmy: [can't not lol] Janis: [sorry to this girl but we're not, just don't trash these scooters that we're using to bump into him/everyone/everything] Jimmy: [also not sorry for whatever he's chucking at her as the mood takes him] Janis: [just don't chuck that stripper jumper or we'll actually be raging] Jimmy: [can't wait for your jumper try on sesh when we reach that section lads] Janis: [oh lawd] Jimmy: [they should try on like onesies and all sorts so we have to have a full big disabled changing room moment] Janis: [the filmsy excuse like must you? yes obvs] Jimmy: [we live for a flimsy excuse in this era] Jimmy: [actually gutted the flatwhites aren't here because they have beds set up with xmas covers etc in the big primarks imagine the show they could've put on] Janis: [we must be prepping our low-cal xmas meal lmao] Jimmy: [Asia won't be making her sister's donkey outfit] Janis: [lmaooooooooooooooo what else can you do in a primark hmm] Jimmy: [I don't think we can get decs cos they all suck we're gonna have to steal them from elsewhere] Janis: [that fine, any other shop will have some that aren't horrific, primark might have the kind of make your own vibe that Bobby would like] Jimmy: [aww that'd be cute] Janis: [you crafty boi, you'd also know how to do it without a kit girl so if you wanna come through you can, as for primark, we probably get the vibe, unless there's anything specific we wanna say/do?} Jimmy: [I think we've covered it so you can go back to his gaff and construct this 🐑 lewk] Janis: [at least we've made your life 10x easier with this coat, also gonna be the first time you've been to his so probably just hanging about outside like am I leaving now or] Jimmy: [will carry you over the threshold like that was what was stopping you coming in even though he blatantly doesn't need help & make you tea so we can have that milk two sugars revelation] Janis: [just like sup bitch to Twix] Jimmy: [the beginning of the real love story] Janis: [not like we're pure awkward and like hi dog this I can do right at least] Jimmy: [I hope they've found a christmas jumper for you too Twix cos there's no festive cheer in this gaff] Janis: [casually assess how many decs we gotta get, also dread to think the jumpers you've ended up with] Jimmy: [give her that doodle you did and dramatically sign it like a nerd] Janis: [🙄but 😏 'get famous and I'll flog it'] Jimmy: ['you've posted it, bound to get insta famous' cue a fake dramatic scroll through his phone] Janis: ['if you have to put a word before it, it don't count' and mimes shooting him in the chest 'cos insta fame is all we have hunny] Jimmy: [does an OTT death scene] Janis: [twix will be trampling all over you like oh hey what you doing down here] Jimmy: [😒 but we secretly love her really] Janis: [just like it's your own fault boy but putting out a hand to help him up] Jimmy: [takes it and pretends like he's gonna pull her down which is accidentally saucy, remember that mud moment lads, but doesn't obvs] Janis: [😳 and lowkey pretending you're gonna drop him so he's reminded of Asia and the assault course instead] Jimmy: [puts her foot up and generally fusses like a nurse because we know it's fucked] Janis: ['you're meant to be drawing a sheep's face right now' 'cos you cannot like focus boy] Jimmy: [gets and chucks a bag of frozen peas at her so he can put a tea towel on her head like an even bigger nerd but then does get his craft on] Janis: ['downgrade' like where's me crown but staying put 'cos it'll be more fuss if you don't] Jimmy: [obvs does make her a crown that's actually decent because that bitch] Janis: [so amused 'cos impressive 'wasted on me and not quinn'] Jimmy: [takes a pic like it's not wasted now but really it's to hide our heart eyes/stop him saying something that he can't pretend is fake when there is nobody here] Janis: ['rather this than a sheep, I guess' like not a #goals lewk soz bobby it will be on you] Jimmy: [chucks all those cotton wall balls he couldn't attach at her like they are little snowballs because playfights forever] Janis: [just juggling with them like I too can be impressive lmao] Jimmy: [craft break while he tries to have a go/tries to get her to teach him how to do it because we're impressed but also competitive] Janis: [love that for y'all, I can't do it but I assume you'll at least be able to do 2 or 3 jimothy] Jimmy: [one should fall in his tea though because 💔] Janis: [devastation] Jimmy: [cue OTT pout soz for how distracting that always is] Janis: [getting up like calm down, I'll make another one, 'cos looking for an excuse to move tbh] Jimmy: [gotta push her back down into that seat before she can because sauciness forever] Janis: [just like OI but a LOOK too] Jimmy: [giving that LOOK back as standard] Janis: ['I can do it'] Jimmy: [putting out a hand to help her up for that parallel] Janis: [reluctantly taking it with a 😒 'cos omg we're fine even though we aren't but you know] Jimmy: [does the drawing a smile with his finger tip thing because if we actually touch her rn there will be no stopping us and this sheep isn't gonna finish itself] Janis: [run and make that tea gal distraction distraction] Jimmy: [likewise get crafting again jimothy] Janis: [let twix out the kitchen door 'cos she's being cray no doubt] Jimmy: [of course she is] Janis: how old is your brother Jimmy: 6 Janis: cute Jimmy: I'll pass that on Janis: the only kids I know are toddlers and babies Janis: have to be a bit less annoying at that age, right Jimmy: he's the only kid I know Jimmy: don't do my head in as much as the screaming 👶's at work Janis: yeah Janis: my oldest sister has a couple, they're nightmares Jimmy: 🤞 Ian's past it Janis: 🤞 his girlfriends are Janis: blokes never are Jimmy: depends whose arse he decides to slap at the photocopier this week Jimmy: 🤞 for a barren Sharon Janis: Christmas wish, or whatever Jimmy: @ Santa Jimmy: have a word Janis: plenty of sad christmas movies with that premise Janis: your brother really needs to be the ⭐ though Janis: you're well past it Jimmy: piss off am I Jimmy: every teenager on telly is played by a 35 year old, me and my crows feet are well in Janis: and I'm saying you pining for a step mum is for a whole different type of film Jimmy: dunno what you mean by that, Jenna Janis: 😇 Janis: [come back with that tea and the most dubious sure jan face] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [shakes head like tut tut] Jimmy: [sips tea in a sassy manner] Janis: ['animal' and pointedly checking out his progress] Jimmy: [imaginary watch check time lol] Janis: ['never ends, eh?' squishes his face like poor boy] Jimmy: [a shrug 'not til you kill me'] Janis: ['better put in your appearance first for the kid'] Jimmy: [nods because no fucker else is gonna do it 'whatever they're using for the baby jesus might come in handy an' all, fake kid for you to remember me by' because we think we're leaving lol] Janis: [such an unamused face 'no thank you' like you don't know how rife teen pregnancy is in this fam lol] Jimmy: [a look like yeah it won't look as fit and mysterious as me but still] Janis: ['it's always some pale ginger kid anyway'] Jimmy: [picks up Twix and wraps her up in the sofa blanket like a little bub and hands her to Janis like there you go cos looks a bit like them being white but with whirls and she was a bit gingery when she was a pup] Janis: [when you can't just yeet this dog so you have to take her and give her some love but you're like 😑] Jimmy: [squishes her face like she just did to him] Janis: [swats him away 'prick' and is on our phone like we're very busy but we just don't wanna make this bad mood more of a thing] Jimmy: [Twix just kissing her face like ILY] Janis: [can't be mad at this pup at least, in reality we just seeing where nearby does decent decs that you can go and get] Jimmy: [meanwhile we're getting the bae painkillers cos we think that's why she's cross] Janis: [shakes head, 'saw Helena earlier'] Jimmy: [shrugs like suit yourself 'tah for keeping it off the 'gram' like she's cheating on you with Helena imagine] Janis: [? then like ugh 'turns out she sells 'em so well in' she does not and we did not, the utter lies girl] Jimmy: [we're ignoring that bollocks and drinking our tea/finally finishing this sheep] Janis: [ta-da gesture 'where is he, anyway?' like neither of us can model this sheep moment adequately] Jimmy: [looks around OTT dramatically like 😱 where IS he? cos can't just answer a question] Janis: [lifts up a cushion or something like hello?] Jimmy: [cue a silly fake hide and seek] Janis: [Twix will give you away so easily lmao] Jimmy: [eventually flopping down OTT dramatically basically on top of her like you're so knackered because always taking the piss out of his stamina] Janis: [acting like he's so heavy like you're gonna kill me] Jimmy: ['not the way you wanna go'] Janis: ['is that even a question?'] Jimmy: ['didn't draw owt' because he did draw ? on her with a fingertip during the school trip and it was very flirty] Janis: ['there you go then' like no need to answer] Jimmy: 'reckon we're on our own' like there you go then for that question you asked about Bobby's whereabouts but you're still basically all up in her grill so it's accidentally flirty as well as a no shit answer] Janis: [takes a picture to be like now we ain't] Jimmy: [do a little photoshoot so you can have an excuse to make out because it's been FOREVER as far as you're concerned] Janis: [when we haven't even processed any of this lowkey] Jimmy: [it's a headfuck kids] Janis: ['did you go to school this morning, after?' 'cos saying you clearly didn't] Jimmy: ['what kind of question is that?' cos clearly didn't either, nods in the direction of the sheep costume fail like] Janis: [shrugs 'maybe you give up easy' like he came home did ten minutes and was like nah] Jimmy: [a look like very subtle challenge there babe] Janis: ['piss off' and pushing him a bit away 'cos we haven't moved evidently] Jimmy: [gets up and starts cleaning up all the crafting mess like fine I can take a hint] Janis: [ah the frustration, getting up like well then 'what time's the nativity thing?'] Jimmy: [telling her whatever time it is] Janis: ['meet you there then' and peacing] Jimmy: [so many things he wanted to say but we're not saying any of them] Janis: [oh lads] Jimmy: [sends her a pic of Bobby when he tries on that sheep lewk] Janis: 👍 Janis: looks pretty good I reckon Janis: he happier now? Jimmy: he's moved to 😢 Jimmy: should've kept your 👑 'cause the only 🏆'll be the FUMING mum's 💔 they never 💡🥇 of pissing about with their old clothes Janis: it's an improvement, suppose Janis: nah, could've earnt it if I committed to taking my sisters and glueing a paper plate to it Janis: 💔 oh well Jimmy: far as thankless tasks go, it's got nowt on 👴👵☕ Janis: you can wear it then Janis: have to size it up Jimmy: you gonna give me a hand or what? Janis: you did such a good job first time 'round Jimmy: without the tweet singing my praises, how would I know? Janis: if you want me to post, just say so Jimmy: if I have to tell you how to do the job, might as well do it myself Janis: fuck's sake Janis: we're literally going to clog their feeds later with all this nativity shit Janis: don't act like I ain't doing anything Jimmy: didn't have you down for a part timer but alright Janis: what you have me down as is irrelevant 'cos you don't know me Jimmy: weren't about to start a Q & A Janis: Good Janis: I know how to do the job, so do you Janis: leave it at that Jimmy: I were only pissing about, what's your problem? Janis: nothing Janis: there's just no need to do anything else Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: okay Janis: don't forget the santas hat you said he needed for jingle bells at the end Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 👋 Jimmy: 😘 Janis: not worth a screenshot Janis: but I got the message, like Jimmy: what message is that? Janis: more 👏 content 👏 Jimmy: steady on, I ain't 💀👑 Janis: the point was bigger and better, weren't it Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Jimmy: you said nowt Janis: when did I? Jimmy: no need to do owt else, weren't it? so there's no need to make me sound like a tory slave driver Janis: just forget it, alright Jimmy: forget what? Janis: that I said anything Jimmy: or what? Janis: why would you not? Janis: there's nothing to gain from this Jimmy: might be if you stop being a dickhead and tell me what's wrong Janis: I'll just stop Janis: if you do as well Jimmy: what have I done? Janis: do you think you've done anything? Jimmy: that's not an answer Jimmy: the answer's nowt Janis: there you go then Jimmy: stopping doing nowt means doing something, so go on, what do you want? Janis: I don't want anything Janis: alright Janis: I shouldn't have slept with you Jimmy: freezing weren't how you wanted to 💀💀💀 either Janis: what Jimmy: I weren't gonna let you sleep out there on your own Janis: are you serious Jimmy: are you? Janis: you've already called me desperate for it Janis: now you think I'd just do it for the warmth and you get to be some kind of gentleman for bothering Jimmy: 1. I've said nowt of the sort 2. sort your head out if that's where you reckon mine is Janis: You said I was easy Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: that were you, for a start Janis: no it wasn't Jimmy: bollocks Janis: it was you Janis: anyway, it was a mistake Jimmy: you legged it, you're calling it a mistake, nowt to do with me, that Janis: because I'm not easy and you've got the wrong idea if you reckon that Janis: so let's stick to what is actually working and leave it Jimmy: you're being a massive dickhead Janis: and what Jimmy: and nowt's gonna work if you don't leave it out Janis: that's literally what I've said Jimmy: fuck's sake Janis: how are you gonna have a go at me? Janis: you could've just shut the fuck up and it'd be fine Jimmy: how would it? Jimmy: you're sitting there 😒😤😭💔🎻 over some bollocks you reckon I said and you weren't gonna say owt Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: or what? Jimmy: that's what you've been doing all day, mate Janis: fuck off have I, I've been helping you out Jimmy: suffering in silence 'cause I'm such a bastard, more like Jimmy: have a 🏆 Janis: you're the one being dramatic, I didn't say that Janis: I just didn't appreciate what you did, that's it Jimmy: you spent ages with me after I apparently called you a massive slag, what else do you call that? Janis: I was already on my way Janis: what am I gonna do, actually turn the bus around, no Jimmy: not be a doormat Jimmy: there's your mistake if you're looking for one, Jodie Janis: fuck you Jimmy: this is me being a prick since you need a hand working out the difference Janis: stop talking to me Jimmy: stop putting words in my mouth Janis: I didn't Jimmy: I don't think you're easy Janis: right Jimmy: Why would I? Jimmy: don't flatter yourself, alright, my benchmark for that is set at fucking half the north Jimmy: and even then, you'd have to really be dating me to get me to give a shit about it Janis: I didn't ask you to give a shit, nor do I want you to Janis: and it's hardly flattering but doormat is worse so yeah Janis: go away now Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I hope your brother doesn't totally hate it Jimmy: don't bother wasting your christmas wish Janis: well, he'll be fine, there are worse things than stage fright Jimmy: don't waste the reassurance on me either Janis: Jesus, whatever then Jimmy: there's nowt worse than having no parents about when every other dickhead does Janis: Yeah Janis: he won't be the only one Janis: and at least someone is there at all Jimmy: tah for that Janis: it's the truth Jimmy: most helpful you've been, pointing that out Janis: well what Janis: what else would you want me to say Janis: it's shit Jimmy: I didn't ask for you to say owt about it Janis: so you brought it up to what Janis: get a 👍 or 👎 Jimmy: you brought it up Jimmy: reckoning you know what's our kid's problem how you reckon you know what I think Janis: no, I was going Janis: I was literally just saying hope he doesn't have a terrible time Janis: don't have a go at me 'cos your dad ain't going Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I'm having a go at you 'cause you're doing my head in Janis: then I'll be going Janis: we don't need to talk to each other Janis: right now or barely at all Jimmy: 👍 Janis: when we need to do more fake shit, then we'll do it Jimmy: alright Jimmy: you know where I live Janis: Yep Janis: later Jimmy: [not gonna reply cos have a nativity to get ready for] Janis: [ah soz for the mess that has been made everyone, gutted we will not see the sheep costume in action] Jimmy: [how dare you arseholes ruin my festive fluff] Janis: [my boo is fuming, at least we can force you together easily enough after, and you did help with the costume] Jimmy: [we've ticked that and jumpers off the list, well done us]