#i was feeling so bad physically and mentally for weeks now
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chaoticamelay · 12 hours ago
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OP i see your soft interfaith stucky headcanon and raise you:
some people with small families struggle to make enough dough to perform the mitzvah of hafrashat challah every week. with two supersoldiers eating, bucky barnes never needs to worry about making enough dough to say the bracha. despite this, every couple of months, bucky's weekly challah making takes a little longer than normal. he spends more time mixing ingredients and kneading the dough, and when he says the blessing and separates the challah, he's clearly made much more dough than he usually does.
soon, the lovingly-braided loaves are baking in the oven, four instead of two. once the extra loaves are cooled, bucky seals them in an airtight bag and puts them away in the freezer to keep.
because sometimes there are very bad days. there are very bad days, when bucky's head hurts so badly he can't think, when the phantom pain is too much, when the place where his arm joins to his body brings him to his knees, when the physical and mental weight of everything is simply too much. on very bad days, when it takes every fibre of bucky's being just to get out of bed, going to service is out and making challah feels a million light-years away.
so if a friday is a very bad day, steve quietly takes the premade challah loaves from the freezer and lets them thaw on the counter. without pushing or pressuring, steve helps him out of bed, and they have a quiet dinner next to the glowing candles. bucky says hamotzi over the labour of his past self, and it's okay. what he is able to do, it's more than okay, it is his best. this challah is a reminder that he will not always feel as bad as he does right now.
this isn't the end of the line.
Every Friday night, Bucky will make challah before service, just like his ma used to, having fresh bread as part of a warm pre-cooked meal to come home to and enjoy with his Stevie in the light of the shabbat candles; the carefully braided bread hiding under the embroidered cover until Bucky is ready to say motzi.
Early Sunday mornings, before Steve goes to church, Bucky will take the left-over challah and make a large pile of cinnamon French toast with maple syrup, berries, with a generous side of eggs and whatever kosher breakfast meat they happen to have. They eat up, drinking coffee or tea, sharing both the meal and loving, yet sleepy, smiles. On good days they play footsy under the table, cracking the occasional joke, and just bask in the early morning peace of their home. On bad days they lean into the certainty and stability of this little weekly tradition.
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onestepbackwards · 3 days ago
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Love That Bites Pt. 15
It's here!!! Finally, I am able to finish it! This chapter is a lil messy, I'll admit, and ended up twice as long as intended, but I'm hoping it'll be a good set up for the next chapter, which will feature a lot more Dracula :3 I am posting this a bit sleep deprived, so I apologize if it has several mistakes ;w;
Thank you for waiting, and I hope you enjoy!
Summary: Turns out going home had consequences worse than you had anticipated. With time ticking by, and tensions beginning to boil with your step family, you decide to make several impulsive decisions in hopes of working on your deal with Dracula, or at least having something to show for it. Of course, nothing can go right, especially with Death tailing you, now can it?
CW: Physical and verbal abuse mentioned (You are mostly fine, no worries), extreme anxiety and second thoughts, slight face injury (just a bruise), impulsive shopping, mental rambling and overthinking, Death makes an appearance
Word Count: 6575 words!
Tag List: @just-some-water-lillies @blackmeetsworld @khaleesihavilliard @sisterofsin29 @str4wban3l @nikkilovemark @ms-bakugo-blog @kittenlover614 @simpytheshrimpy69 @midgetdemon17 @just-nother-dreamer @adrakeshoard @tilldeathripsusapart @thedeadlynights @pumpkinvampie @bethleeham @mshope16 @sixsixtwenty @haleypearce @rvautomatic @tinystarfishgalaxy @marshmelloe @maorizon @ursamajor17 @sapphicsfordracula @dame-sunflowers @sleepyendymion @starrlo0ver @onewiththebeanbag
If you want to be added, or if I missed someone, please let me know! Likes, reblogs, tags and comments are appreciate 💕
First: Here
Last: Here
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Looking in the mirror shouldn’t have been as harrowing as it felt at the moment.
If you were being honest with yourself, you could care less about appearances. You liked looking nice and all, but you didn’t always have the luxury of looking nice on a hunt when it involved… monster remains ending up splattered all over you.
That… and as you were growing older, you looked a lot more like your mother.
Not just in looks, but…
You hated how your eyes looked so sunken in. How there was an unnatural paleness to you. Like you were ill.
It certainly made you feel sick. You hated being reminded how your mother looked that last year before she passed.
Of course, it didn’t help that you had a massive bruise on your left cheek. Or how you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in… what, weeks? More so than normal anyway.
That, and you genuinely haven’t felt well since you came back home around 3 weeks ago.
“Ugh….” You groaned out, leaning closer to the mirror as your head throbbed.
At least you weren’t beaten bloody and bruised like you had been before… everything.
It had nearly been a month since you returned. As much as you would have liked to believe things would have gotten better after coming back home, that was nothing more than a pipe dream.
“Just who do you think you are, huh? Who the hell lets you stay here? Do you think it’s funny to pull that kinda shit? Huh?”
Jason hadn’t been happy at your return. Though you had a feeling he was more mad about you staying away and still being alive.
“Fucking look at me when I’m talking to you, you dense fuck. I let you stay here out of the goodness of my heart, and you not only attack us, but pull a disappearing act?”
Eyes narrowing at yourself in the mirror, your reflection scowled with you as you remembered parts of Jason’s explosive reaction to you coming home that day.
Your step brothers and step father had been doing something involving recon for a mission of some sort. So they said, anyway. Not that they gave you much of an explanation anytime they left anywhere, unless it was somewhere fun.
Then they were more than happy to brag about going somewhere, and you weren’t invited.
Regardless, you didn’t hear much about where they were, but you got to hear all about how bad of a person you were for leaving like that. For having the gall to defend yourself.
The reflection of you in the mirror scowled even further, before wincing when you felt a twinge of pain from the bruise on your face.
Annoyance flickered on your features.
After you came home and were discovered by your family, the ‘scolding’ had certainly been one of the worst, but you would argue that wasn’t the worst part of coming back.
”I’ll have you know I could kick you out at any time. You are nothing but a freak. A parasite. At least your mother was worth something compared to you. All you do is sit around and do nothing, wasting our time and resources!”
Jason and your brothers had never been physically violent before. At least, not outside ‘training’, anyway.
Sure, there was the occasional shove, and a shoulder check here and there. Maybe a loose foot finding its way in front of your own…
Jason was practically in your face as he yelled, your back pressed against the wall as he practically cornered you.
“All you do is sit on your ass and run off to god knows where after throwing a fit. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t toss your shit into the streets right now!?”
Just as you opened your mouth to speak, he interrupted you.
“Shut up!”
Your eyes widened as a fist came at you-
…Only for your body to tense with one of your hands in front of your face as his fist landed a few inches from your head, now in a huge hole in the wall next to where you stood. No doubt you would be fixing that later.
Jason’s face was right next to yours, his eyes dark with a hatred that had your body tense, and your hair stand on end.
“Get out of my sight.”
Ever since that first night back, Jason had gotten scarily close to genuinely hurting you. He, and his oldest son, Mark, had grown increasingly aggressive.
It frightened you. Never had they seemed so irritated.
That was saying a lot, if you were being honest with yourself.
Sure, you feared what they could do to you, to your home. It was a small fear, one you kept a tight lock on. You hadn’t really felt scared of them. Not before they tried to lethally injure you.
Now you felt like a cornered animal half the time, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It felt like it was only a matter of time before things escalated. If something happened to you… You didn’t like to think what would happen afterwards.
The look in their eyes… You couldn’t help but compare it to a monster who was out for blood. A pure hate that made you feel ill just looking at them.
And with their aggression growing… it was looking more and more likely you faced something terrible happening with each passing day.
Not even a week had passed after Jason’s episode before you were shoved down the stairs. You thankfully had caught yourself, but instead of an empty hall at the top of the stairs like you expected, Mark stood watching.
His eyes were just as cold as his father’s. That same, piercing hate deep in his eyes.
“No one wants you here.” Was all he said, before he turned around and left, leaving you awkwardly hanging onto one of the rails.
Since then, Jason and Mark had made a point to let their displeasure known. You were either tossed around, or forced to do extra dirty work around the house. Jason made a point to tell you that he expected ‘more’ from you from now on.
Ignoring the fact you already did most of the house work anyway. Fucker.
Now they both made messes on purpose. Well, more ‘on purpose’ than before.
Kitchen? A wreck almost every night.
Living room? You were now picking up their disgusting clothes and messes.
Entry way? You were cleaning mud that was tracked in every other day. It wasn’t even muddy out front, so you knew they were doing this on purpose elsewhere to piss you off.
At least Seth kept his distance. He wasn’t pleasant, but he at least seemed to dislike outright trying to hurt you more than a shoulder check. If anything, he just told you to clean something or go shopping at inconvenient times.
Maybe toss something on the floor for you to clean up, but even he seemed to find that more bothersome than it was worth.
It still wasn’t great, but it only added to your ever growing stress.
“Things could be worse… I guess.” You mumbled, exhaustion clear on your features as your frown fell back to your neutral look.
You could have Dracula trying to kill you, along with everything else. No doubt that would have possibly either broke you, or had made everything worse. Your face scrunched up at the thought.
Though you winced once again, the bruise near your eye throbbing at the movement.
Jason and the others may not have outright been hitting you with their fists since you got back, but…
Letting out a gasp of surprise at the sudden sharp pain, you felt your body slam into the wall next to you as your body swung back in surprise.
“Oh sorry, did that hurt?” Mark mocked, throwing the bag he had ‘accidentally’ hit you with over his shoulder.
Motherfucker had waited around a corner just to swing a bag of junk at your head. You were lucky it didn’t directly hit your eyes, but…
You could feel your anger bubbling in your chest, and you sighed. At least you still had your sight, even if you worried the cheekbone had been damaged.
Whatever.
Turning the faucet on, you splashed some water on your face, waking you up a little bit as you trekked back to your room
Truth be told, it wasn’t just your step family causing you issues.
You had been spending what free time and energy you had on working on your deal with Dracula.
Something that still was weird to think about.
Entering your room and closing the door behind you with a soft ‘click’, you went over to your desk and sat down. Reaching down to the floor, you pulled out a specific notebook you had hidden under a bunch of random clothes and junk, and opened it.
Inside the notebook was what would be a bunch of gibberish, but was simply a cypher.
You didn’t dare write anything about Dracula somewhere where your step family could find it and read it. A phone was hackable, and just leaving a notebook around without precautions was begging for fate to mess with you and make things worse.
Flipping through the pages, you found your simple ‘To-Do List’.
It was messy, but when you came back home a near wreck, it was as good a place as any to start.
There were several different things written down, such as buying him a modern cell phone. Or building him a computer. Or even showing him some modern libraries.
You hoped he would at least be impressed by the internet, and the many archives it included. Though you were a bit nervous about the internet as well, not really wanting him to see how depraved humanity could be, where it was right out in the open.
Then again… the internet had a front row view on the good things humanity has done too. That, and it’s not like Dracula was unaware of how awful people could be, human or otherwise.
Perhaps you would only show him the internet archive or something. And how to pirate movies and books.
Movies and television were a whole different ball game as well on what to show him. You wondered if he’d like The Addams Family, or The Godfather. Or Psych, or Columbo or something.
Shaking your head, you wrote down a few suggestions to show him later. After you managed to figure out if you could even get internet working at his castle, of course.
You’d have to make a few calls to some people who knew how to keep their mouths shut, no doubt.
Even then, he may not even want it. That was something you had to consider.
“Though, perhaps…” you mumbled out loud as a thought entered your mind.
Perhaps you could just show him all that stuff at your cabin? Test the waters?
A part of you nearly snarled at the idea of anyone finding your humble sanctuary, let alone being allowed in it that wasn’t your late mother.
But you had way more at stake here. You had a deal to hold your end up on. Surely, your little abode was worth the entirety of humanity?
…You would consider it.
Then there was the fact you would probably have to get a phone or internet plan for Dracula.
Good god you had a lot on your plate.
That isn’t even mentioning the calls you had been attempting to make for blood banks for supernatural entities. With how busy they tended to be though, you ended up on hold nearly every attempt you made. No doubt you would have to send some emails and make an in person visit.
Great.
Staring at the list for another few moments, you sighed, putting the book down and putting your head in your hands.
“Fuck, how am I going to do this?”
The hope of the world was quite literally on your shoulders, all depending on your actions going forward. Yet, you had little to nothing to go forward with.
Not like you could just order a phone or computer parts. Even if it was illegal, your mail and packages ended up getting opened more often than not before you had a chance to even see them.
Jason would always smugly remark it was for ‘the family’s safety’, in case someone was trying to ‘get rid of the family.’
That was a load of shit, of course.
You knew it, Jason knew it, Mark and Seth knew it.
But there was nothing you could do. Even if you had a legal case of them fucking with your mail, if you made a fuss, you simply would get kicked out and lose your family home.
At least they stopped messing with your packages half of the time when you bought adult toys to embarrass them out of spite.
That was the first time they ever left you alone for a month. Definitely some of the most peaceful weeks of your life.
Anyway-
Rubbing your face, you gave your cheeks a small slap to wake yourself up, and sat back up in your chair.
Picking the book back up, you looked over it all once again, before adjusting some of your notes.
You would have to go buy a lot of this stuff in person yourself, and hide it in your car. Buying a new phone and computer parts would only make your step family incredibly suspicious.
Or annoying.
In fact, if you did manage to spin a perfect lie to get them off your back, you wouldn’t be surprised if your parts either went ‘missing’, or ended up ‘accidentally’ damaged.
Or someone in the family suspiciously gets a new PC while the parts you bought are missing.
Even though you had money in your own bank account, it wasn’t like you were rich. You had expected a lot of your family’s money to go to you before… well…
Not that it mattered.
You still had a means of making money from odd jobs and the hunts you were allowed to do before your step family called dibs, or when they didn’t want to do the icky jobs.
It just… wasn’t as much as you would like. But hey, you didn’t have the luxury of lamenting your expenses now. Lives were potentially at stake if you didn’t do this.
“So much for buying some new clothes… guess I’ll have to patch up some of my torn ones with some older clothe if I can…”
Oh well.
Another thing that was an issue was time.
You had more or less been on lockdown since coming back. Sure, you had a job or two for some minor stuff, but then you were stuck right back here.
With Jason and Mark, and Seth to a degree, being a lot more aggressive… You’ve hardly had a chance to even leave the house for something as small as grocery shopping without Jason getting on your ass about it.
He must have been serious when he got angry at you for disappearing. You still didn’t understand why, given how they talk about wanting you gone so much. Maybe they just hated the fact you would eventually come back.
Bah.
Scratching your head, you let out another sigh.
You were running out of time.
Dracula may have been patient so far, at least you hoped. However, that didn’t mean he would wait forever, especially when you mentioned a month as the time it may take to return.
Around a week remained, and the clock was ticking. Time was not on your side.
Neither was anything else, but if anything, you knew how to adapt under pressure.
“Okay… Everyone is out today. I can at least get a phone. Maybe even a few parts for a computer…”
There were a few places in town for parts. You had at least done research on places where you could buy these things earlier this month in a manic episode.
After that, you had to figure out a time to leave again for a few days. No doubt you’d get shit for it, but hey, at least you weren’t actively bleeding this time.
“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.” You mumbled to yourself, running a hand over your eyes with a groan. Even if you felt like you were a bag full of anxiety, you could at least try to hype yourself up.
With a deep breath, you closed the journal, and hid it once more.
Steeling your resolve, you stood up and grabbed your car keys, before heading out your bedroom door.
Leaving your home wasn’t hard, but it still sent some anxiety spiking through your heart as you locked the door behind you. Nor was driving down to town any less harrowing.
However, driving up to the giant building of a tech store at least put you at ease. As much as you hated crowds, it was somewhat relieving here.
If you by some rare chance saw your family or someone you knew, you’d at least have a crowd. You were less likely to be treated poorly in front of people who your family tried so dearly to put a mask on for.
Of course, you still were on edge. It was hard not to be in general outside of your cabin or family home. Your whip felt heavy under your jacket as you parked and walked through the building, both a reassurance, and a weight that had your hands twitching.
Crowds may be good in some ways, but for monsters, both man and supernatural, it was an opportunity.
You just hope no one would seek such an opportunity today.
Pushing through the turbulent emotions stirring inside you, you quickly made your way to the center of the store.
It wasn’t hard to buy a phone, though you did have a few things to consider.
Size, model, and brand.
The decision wasn’t difficult in the long run, but the image of Dracula with glasses and a teeny phone in his massive hands made a smile form on your face.
With the new phone in a bag to take home for later, you continued shopping. At least getting a phone was the easy part. You could buy a temporary cheap plan and number for it in store at checkout.
Somehow Dracula’s castle had cell service, if you remembered correctly. If the phone plan didn’t work out, you could at least show him some things, right?
It was enough to tide you over until you could make some calls about giving Dracula of all people an actual decent phone plan without all the strings of an identity in modern society. That was something that actually wouldn’t be too difficult. You hoped.
Regardless, it was computer parts that had you dreading being here.
There were different parts and different brands to consider, and in the end, Dracula might not even care about it.
You at least hoped he would like the parts to look at if he was uninterested in having a computer. At the end of the day, you could just use your laptop to show him things if need be.
At the very least, you knew Dracula liked to make things, if your family’s old journals were anything to go by. You liked to think he’d like to tinker with the parts for his own gain.
“What a headache… Could be wasting time and money for nothing…”
Maybe you should only grab a few things? And then if he isn’t interested, you could just give the parts to him to study?
You shook your head to yourself as you entered an aisle with a few of the parts you needed behind a wall of glass, and eyed your options.
Perhaps you should start with a cpu? Or perhaps some memory? Or rather-
“You sure like to take your time, Belmont.”
In an instant, the temperature of the building dropped severely, and you felt your hair stand on end.
Faster than a human could blink, you had your whip in your hand, and faced your adversary-
Only to freeze when you saw Death hovering next to you, uncomfortably close.
You blinked, and hesitantly lowered your whip.
“Um… hi?”
The skeletal cloaked figure tilted its head, its boney fingers thrumming on the handle of its scythe. All the while, your head was swimming as you tried not to panic.
Dracula may have been your family’s primary enemy, but Death, the entity, was never far behind.
“Hmm… You are certainly different from most of your kin before you.”
You decided to take that as a compliment.
Forcing your anxiety back down your throat, you managed to speak once more.
“Um… No offense, but why are you here? Is everything alright?” You asked hesitantly, yet tried to remain polite. Hold back any fear and aggression. You could do this.
Death was severely hated in your family, if a few journals were anything to go by. It wouldn’t hurt to remain courteous. At least you hoped.
You no longer were in Dracula’s castle, after all. Who’s to say Death might try and find a loophole and kill you here outside your family home and his master’s abode? Be done with this stupid peace treaty of sorts you had convinced the Lord of Darkness to try out?
Even then, you imagine he could probably get away with it, being Dracula’s second in command. In Death’s eyes, in the end, would it really be so bad if the Belmont dies? Get you out of the way?
It was Death after all. Even if the entity was punished, what was Dracula gonna do? Kill him?
You tried not to let those thoughts fester as the cold, blue fires in Death’s eye sockets bore into you.
It took a lot not to shudder in fear.
Death though, seemed not to notice, or care if you felt intimidated or not.
“I am here to see if you intend to return to my master, or if you are simply hiding away like a dog with its tail between its legs.”
That last bit alone caused you to scowl, and you had to stomp down the irritation that threatened to bubble in your gut.
“First of all, rude. Second of all, yes, I do intend to return. That's why I am out today, actually.”
You gestured with a nod of your head to the locked display that was in front of you, and Death’s ghostly eyes followed.
“I figured as a gift of good will, I could get some modern stuff for him here. I know you probably have a distaste for humans, but I can promise you and Dracula himself that the technological advancements made by them in today’s modern age may come across as intriguing.”
Wincing a bit at how that sounded, you rubbed your neck and ignored the twinge of pain.
“Not to sound vain about it, of course. Humanity has really flourished the past century or so with all sorts of advancements. Not just technology. I figured your Master would be interested, at least in a few areas to see if humanity’s advancements have reached his own.”
Death let out what you assumed was a hum, and just as you were about to turn and ask what the deity thought, a voice nearly had you jumping out of your boots.
“Hi there, can I help you?”
Spinning around, you nearly relaxed when you saw it was someone who worked here, though you quickly stammered.
“O-Oh, I uh-”
You spun around, panic running through your veins. You did not need regular people freaking out over Death itself being in a tech store-
Only to find no one there. Death was gone.
The room seemed to warm up again, almost to the point it was uncomfortably hot. Had Death’s presence really sapped that much heat from you and everything around you?
Swallowing your nerves, you spun back around to speak to the person who asked if you needed help. It wasn’t hard to put a mask back in place on your face, though you swore your heart never stopped hammering in your chest as you pointed out a few items you were considering.
That, and you tried to ignore how the employee eyed you, almost concerned.
Right. Bruise on your face. Skittish reactions. Great.
At least they seemed happy to unlock the glass display for you, asking you something about if you were building a computer. You could only mumble a response with a shaky smile, throwing out some explanation or another.
In truth, you could barely think as they brought the few items you had pointed to towards a register. How could you act at ease, knowing Death could quite literally be around any corner, watching you?
Could you even go home? It’s not like it would be hard to find your place of residence in this day and age, but you wondered if Death knew how to do so by regular means.
Which made the idea of going home and being followed… nerve wracking.
Sure, your place was warded to hell and back with ancient spells and hunting artifacts so no evil could step foot on your property, but…
That didn’t mean you were safe the moment you took a step outside, and you didn’t exactly like the idea of being shot at by a gun or a bow or something while taking out the trash, thank you very much.
Even then… were you comfortable with Dracula even knowing your home address in general?
You were in a fog of your own thoughts as you paid for the equipment you bought, only briefly being brought out of it when you noticed the price after everything was scanned.
No doubt you’d be feeling the loss of money in your bank account later. Ouch.
Thankfully, it was also easy to get a quick plan for the phone you bought as well, along with a phone number. Nothing fancy or long lasting, of course. No need to if Dracula was uninterested, or if was genuinely interested to the point of needing a decent one.
As the nice employee set it up, a part of you hoped this would help you and Dracula have a means of communication.
After all, you doubted the post office would deliver a letter to a giant castle in the middle of fuck all nowhere.
When they handed you the phone and receipt, you gave the employee a tired smile, before gathering your things and walking out the door.
The whole way to your car, you were looking back behind you, still wary of being watched. You hated this.
It was one thing to be followed by some asshole or a monster with a bone to pick, but Death itself?
Hopefully you wouldn’t be laughed at if you puked from how nervous you were.
After setting your stuff in your car and climbing in behind the wheel, you sat there for a moment as your engine roared to life.
It seems despite your warning that you’d need a month, it seems at three weeks you didn’t have any time left to spare if Death was making in person inquiries.
Gripping the steering wheel, you glanced up at the rearview mirror, and your neck cracked from how fast you turned to look back at it after looking away.
In it was Death, floating ominously, near empty eye sockets looking at you from behind your vehicle.
You turned around quickly, and no one was there.
Eyes narrowing, you looked back, and nothing was in your back seat. Nothing behind your car. Nothing in the area besides you.
“Oh, very funny. Didn’t you ever learn not to scare a hunter? Especially one who can actually cause harm? Not everyone’s fight or flight is flight you know.” You snarked out under your breath.
A part of you wondered if Death found this hilarious or not, scaring you. Did the being not have a care about scaring someone who could actually kill them?
Then again… if you were ‘alive’ for thousands of years, you wondered if you too would stop giving a shit and started doing dumb stuff like that for fun.
That, or Death was purposely trying to push your buttons so he could have an excuse to tattle to Dracula you ‘attacked first’. You hoped that wasn’t the case.
Shaking your head, you looked around your car one last time, hoping you weren’t going crazy, before focusing on heading home.
You’d give Death some credit, at least.
Scaring you like that helped jump start something in your brain where you no longer felt frozen in place. Even if Death damn near gave you a heart attack in the process.
The drive home was uneventful, but you felt as if your heart rate never truly rested after your mini adventure out shopping.
How could it? How on earth do you handle such circumstances? It was like trying to swallow claws as your anxiety tried climbing its way up your throat.
“You know, I can’t help but feel my life would be a lot simpler if I was born in a different family…” you mumbled, face scrunching up.
Maybe you’d be bumbling around in college by now, meeting some guy or girl who caught your fancy. Worrying about exams and dates, not whether or not offending one man could kill you and the entirety of the human race.
Whatever. No point mourning something you never had, right?
Your thoughts were a messy buzz as you pulled up onto your property, though it probably could be seen as humorous how quickly those thoughts came to a stop.
Slumping into your seat, you felt a new kind of anxiety and irritation bubble up in your chest.
“Oh, you are fucking kidding me.” You groaned out, spotting familiar vehicles in the driveway up to your house.
Why were they back so soon? Why?
At this point, your luck was a sick joke, you think. That, or just your life in general.
It looked as if everyone was back home, earlier than they should be, you might add.
Internally, you debated your options.
One, you could go in and get yelled at for disappearing without ‘a good reason’, eventually having to give some excuse as to why you were gone.
Or two…
Your pulse picked up as you thought about it. You weren’t exactly planning on leaving for Dracula’s castle today… But…
Strumming your fingers against your steering wheel, you bit your lip as you weighed the pros and cons.
On one hand, going today might get Death off your back. Though you hoped that at least seeing you shopping might have helped.
On the other hand…
You’d have to meet Dracula again, for the first time after being so injured… And no doubt you’d later have to deal with Jason and the others getting pissed at you again.
Then again… that was just normal at this point, just extra aggression. Maybe you should get out for a bit?
After all… You hated to admit how you were growing concerned with how more… open they were getting with their ‘grievances’. How long would it be before you were one wrong fall down the stairs, or turning a corner too quick?
Your face throbbed at the memory. The bruise on your face was just from a bag of junk. How long until it was a convenient bag of bricks being tossed instead?
Plus… You needed a break, you just worried about the repercussions. But…
You were tired. So so so tired.
There was an exhaustion that was deep in your bones.
Your head constantly ached, even more so after the bruise. You were always exhausted like you were on hunts often, no doubt from your lack of sleep.
And you constantly felt off while here, which you chalked up to always being on edge.
No doubt having to watch your back like prey in your own home for weeks on end was taking its toll with how you were constantly bouncing between feeling exhaustion and feeling sick.
You may be a Belmont, but the human body could only take so much stress before it began shutting down. Even you had your limits.
“Am I actually considering this…?” you mumbled, your brain in a fog as you tried to come to a decision.
It wasn’t like you didn’t have anything at the cabin, either… You had a few clothes there, and some non-perishable food….
With a groan, you put your head in your hands, and ran them down your face. You winced as your face ached at the action.
It was then like a switch was flipped, feeling the bruise again. You didn’t feel like dealing with this shit, and possibly having another incident while already injured.
At least… Dracula wouldn’t attack you. Hopefully. You could heal. Maybe.
Not that you expected him to take care of you while you were there. You could do that yourself.
…It just would be nice to be in a place where you could.
Hah… How many times was it going to be a shock for you each time Dracula, your family’s enemy, was the safer option?
With a sigh, you cracked your neck, and steeled yourself.
Looks like it was time to pay Dracula another visit.
The drive wasn’t as long as you expected.
Perhaps it was the good music that happened to be playing, or maybe it was your nerves. Who’s to say.
Pulling into the small dirt road leading up to your small cabin though had you rightfully nervous.
Was it safe? Did any monsters wander from Dracula’s castle and ransack your home?
Eyes naturally narrowing in suspicion as your vehicle came to a stop, you couldn’t help but start to think about it.
Technically speaking… You never said Dracula or his minions couldn’t destroy shit. Just to leave humans alone, for the most part. At least, what your working ‘treaty’ was. Perhaps you should discuss and iron out the details while you were here…
Should you have made a contract? Did supernatural beings such as Dracula even have to honor those?
Not like you could hire a lawyer to draft a contract for Dracula anyways… Not enough ones in the supernatural communities, let alone one that would involve themselves with Dracula without fearing for their lives.
No doubt there would be a few conflicts of interest, and you couldn’t just hire a human one anyway…
Blinking, you shook your head, before doing a quick glance over your property.
“C’mon… Don’t get distracted now.” You mumbled, climbing out of your car.
You did a quick look over the immediate property around the cabin, checking to see if anything had changed.
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Even the inside of your small sanctuary had remained seemingly untouched.
Was it a miracle, or had Dracula purposely mentioned not to have this place harmed?
Or maybe he didn’t say anything at all? Did he even know this place existed, besides what you had mentioned? Did he keep his mouth shut to avoid anyone going looking to begin with?
After all, you had mentioned having property nearby, right? You couldn’t exactly remember…
Question after question filtered through your mind, and you groaned. You’d get nowhere if you just sat here and made guesses.
The only way to get answers and move forward, would be to actually visit the vampire.
So why did you want to put it off now?
Your nerves were like electricity in your gut, and you could only wring your hands together as you stood stuck in the small living room. It was almost like you were paralyzed, unable to do anything besides take a few steps here or there while your brain went haywire.
It wasn’t like you could go back. Jason would give you too much shit for it, and Mark and Seth would follow his lead.
Jason was a ticking time bomb at this point, you feared. You could defend yourself and all, but at what point was it too much?
With a groan, you ran a hand through your hair.
“God… I feel like a deer in headlights…”
Taking a breath, you tried to calm yourself down. Why was this so hard? Just go to the castle, and talk with him, and offer some of the stuff you had. At least you could offer the phone and bring the computer stuff later…
After a few more moments of heavy debate inside your mind, you came to a decision, before swiftly turning around and heading to the bedroom.
You’d… visit Dracula tomorrow.
Was it an excuse to wait? Yes.
However, you figured you’d be in a much better mindset after getting some rest after being away from your family home. You just hoped Dracula wouldn’t mind waiting one more day, even if you technically hadn’t even hit the deadline you set yet…
You could rest, eat, shower, and mentally prepare yourself the next day. Maybe you would look less pathetic for Dracula at least, compared to last time, and how you currently felt.
Although, you’d admit, you were a bit uneasy sleeping so close to the castle.
It was silly, really. You literally had slept inside said castle. By all means, you were in the snake pit while critically injured. Yet…
You felt safer there than here. Something you never thought you would ever think about your little sanctuary.
Here, you didn’t have Dracula’s direct protection.
Just how easy would it be for something to attack you if a monster sensed you? All it took was one disgruntled monster to figure out you were here…
By all means, it could even be spun that it wasn’t even one of Dracula’s minions, since it would be outside his castle. It was a grey area if the monsters outside the castle walls were under his direct control, you felt.
It wasn’t even your own safety you were mostly worried about.
Was it selfish or odd to be more worried about the cabin and the land? It was one of the last things you had of your mom untainted…
Well, if anything else, you’d destroy anything that tried to destroy this place.
That was your thought as you climbed in bed that night, trying to ease your nerves for tomorrow.
…Which is why when several flashes of lightning and thunder happened one right after the other, you nearly fell out of your bed.
Rain began to pelt your window hard, and the wind picked up a bit. You could even hear the trees shake outside from the weather as some branches brushed against your cabin’s roof.
“Was that from…?”
Dracula’s castle wasn’t far, not at all. A small walk away around a lake. It sounded as if everything was coming from the direction of his castle.
After a moment of listening to some more rolling thunder, you decided to close your curtains, and try to relax to the sound of the storm. If what you suspected was true, and Dracula was annoyed or upset… you didn’t exactly want to intrude and possibly worsen his mood.
As you warily drifted off to sleep, you couldn’t help but wonder just what had made Dracula so upset.
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frijolebean · 20 days ago
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Be a Better Angel-(5/5)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
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steelthroat · 27 days ago
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You know when you say "i am at my lowest" it could mean several different things.
There are falvors of lowest.
Like "oh this is the lowest but actually it's fixable in 3 days so yeah i am.clam even tho i am tired as fuck and also at my lowest"
Or "this is the lowest and i see no light at the end of the tunnel"
Or "this is the lowest but it's also really fucking funny"
And "this is the lowest in recent times but not the lowest ever so yeah not great but could be worse"
And there's also the difference between the self-inflicted lowest and the inflicted from above lowest.
So yeah, there are several bottoms in a single barrel and you can always stoop lower, but it's also not necessarily that bad ig.
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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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mypeggableromance · 3 months ago
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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rapidhighway · 8 months ago
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ououghhh
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disengaged · 9 months ago
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alright anorexia is boring, let’s get yolked
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trafficpan-ic · 2 months ago
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Going to the doctor tomorrow for physical things but Im really sure it hot things to do with how mentally bad i am right now. So probably just gonna Be honest and tell what is on my mind.
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mutalune · 6 months ago
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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southernvampire · 1 year ago
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uterus has been yeeterused
#so i had a hysterectomy about two weeks ago and it's insane how much better i feel not only physically but mentally#i havent felt this in tune with my body since i was a kid#i finally feel like im on the path to how i want my body to be like and i never understood just how much i was affected by#both gender dysphoria and physical disease (endometriosis) until i got almost everything removed in there#im solidly sure im nonbinary now instead of having conflicting feelings about it#i feel much better about expressing my strange femininity and being perceived as feminine#i feel more spiritual too?? idk how to describe it#im just confused a little about why this had such a big impact on me since yeah it did give me dysphoria to a degree but i didnt think it#was THAT bad#i feel more in tune with my child self; like i feel like a grown up version of my 9 year old self and more confident#my mind is much calmer and i just feel so present and one with my body. i finally feel like i could meditate comfortably withouf wanting to#escape my mind or body?? idk idk it's so so weird#anyway im also in much less pain despite not being able to do much of anything and still healing from surgery#and i know that having this done isnt a cure but god i hope i get lucky and that the endo doesnt come back anyway#it's amazing to be able to love my body instead of being mad at it because it causes me pain and does things that i dont want it to#idk if that's a fully healthy mindset or not but that#that's what's been going on in my life so far
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candyriku · 8 months ago
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finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)
#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive#for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood#i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically#and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha.#i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol#ANYWAYS#typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one)#we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you)#I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in#but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one#like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him#which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know#that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all#also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her#so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me#cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship#so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say#So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :)#jtsys fic#updates
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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 1 year ago
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Got overwhelming depressed so I bought tea
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myfriendtheghost · 2 years ago
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goodnight, cutie !!! <3
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floral-hex · 2 years ago
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I’m fucking disabled
#I had this conversation with my therapist last week. I’ll give you the secret HIPAA breaking rundown#I HATE calling myself disabled#I don’t know why. there’s no shame in it. it’s just ya know it’s just what I am#but I still can’t get it into my head that yes I’m kinda fucking disabled#because here I am sitting on this creaky futon unable to understand anything anyone is saying to me bc my hearing is so bad#it’s a bad hearing day! it happens! some days are good! today is very much not so good!#so I told my therapist I’m way cool with telling people I have mental health issues#but when it comes to hearing it’s ‘oh no I’m not REALLY disabled. I just uhhhhh can’t uhhh fuckin hear sometimes 🤷🏻‍♂️ that’s normal right?’#and he’s like no my sweet boy you are disabled you need to own that shit#okay… he didn’t say it like that but this is my flashback please let me have this#let me be a sweetie boy in my own mind#he said it’s usually the reverse: people don’t like to admit mental health issues but will mention physical disabilities#I just… I spent 30 something years with great hearing and then it all just got taken from me out of the blue and no one knows why#and I hate that. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry and scared and alone#and I hate admitting that yes I am disabled. like really disabled. it feels like defeat.#and it shouldn’t. like I said it’s just kinda what I am now. It’s like saying I breathe or I’m allergic to birds. it just is me.#sorry I’m just having a rough day#I got about an hour of sleep and now I’m holding down the fort while a home inspector and the new buyer look through the house#and I can’t talk to either of them. I can’t understand them talking to each other. it’s isolating.#I have therapy later and I’m hoping I’ll be able to communicate and hear during it. I really just need someone to talk to#I miss talking to people in person. I can still do that it just can take a bit of work and I hate subjecting people to putting up with me#I feel so needy. I just want some human connection. I want to know I can still make this work.#gosh this is whiny. sorry about that. just needed a quick vent to get me through the next few hours#anyway I love you. probably. maybe… ehhh#you can ignore this#text
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br1ghtestlight · 1 year ago
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i feel so miserable and emotionally exhausted i cant wait to traumadump to my social worker on tuesday when he asks why i haven't finished my english homework DJDMSKDKSKS
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