#I just want to sleep and be in a coma
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Got overwhelming depressed so I bought tea
#I’m just really not in a good space lately#and I’m so out of i don’t feel connected to myself#I wake up and am unsure of my age or what year it is#I go through phases of forgetting my gfs name or that I even have a gf#I’m an absolute mess right now#my mental health is in the toilet#I’m just quietly spiraling too#I’ve just shut down#I got overhwhelmed with my recovery coach today and told her#she said I didn’t even look like it#which makes me feel like I’m faking everything or it’s not even that bad#I just want to sleep and be in a coma#but I can’t sleep for 24 hours 7 days a week my body physically won’t let men#anytime awake feels like too much
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I think we might have trauma tied to the literal feeling of falling asleep/waking up. Like we get nightmares that are just. The feeling of changing concousness but drawn out + adrenaline + terror
#this may be from sleep paralysis? because we also get that sometimes#also sometimes when falling asleep we get like a rush of adrenaline and if we're far enough along well get shot into sleep paralysis or#start half dreaming about being woken up from a coma or dying.#which like 99% of the time is what we want? but then these things hapoen and its like. huh. maybe i DO have a will to live#it feels less like me or another alter and more like the body literally things its dying.#this happens both sober and intoxicated but doesn't seems to happen more frequently when intoxicated which is interesting#if anything its usually easier to push through#but one time we were like super fucking stoned with my ex and i started flipping my shit because im chill like thag#and so he took me out to the car vecasue i was like “i cant be in the house snymore its not safe i cant be here”#and he leaves to go get something and im like terrified to fall asleep#it gets worse when im scared sometimes. like a certain type of fear its like horror feeling.#anyways so im trying ot to pass out and im convince if i do ill never come back and my ex enters the car and i start screaming. like bloody#murder. and then HE screams. so then were both screaming. and eventually one of us stops screaming. and i dont remember which one. and i was#like :( im sorry that was really embarrassing but also im still so scared im sorry#and he was like 'its chill.' and then he goes to get another thing later and hes like Dont. Scream. When i get back. Dont Scream.#and i was like . okay 👍🏼.#and then he got back and i screamed. but it was easier to stop that time#and then his mom drove us around the neighborhood and i convinced my self that the whole world was just a figment of her imagination#and that really helped for somereason#so.#this kinda got away from me but basically i had one of those drawn out consciousness change night mares last night#dream log
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i remember breathing oxygen once….it was nice hope i get to do that again some day
#im dying of the allegies#allergies#this is the worst they’ve been in YEARS#and im house sitting rn so i dont even have any allergy meds#im never going to get to sleep like this#i want to go home and put myself into a medicated humidified coma#alternating no breathing and no breathing (nosebleed edition)#so many nosebleeds#and they don’t even have actual tissues here#the lack of breathing wasn’t enough apparently and my skin has to get murdered too#i am going Through it lately#and i just wanna go home
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Oc posting pt 1
#I think it’s about time I start talking more about them#Sam and Val are the two main ocs of mine#the others I love a lot too#funnily enough the reason they have simple names came from an inside joke between my friends and I in middle school#I wanna make a formal post about them tho#I’m actually almost done with the first comic chapter#it’s a pilot but I wanted to test myself#I might post it here?#and webtoon#original character#oc#sketch#my art#art#procreate#ok to like give you the gist#it’s set in a futuristic post apocalypse sci fi#Sam just woke up from his 500 year long beauty sleep and found out everything went to shit#he’s got no memories but wants to find out what happened to him and who he is#Val is a bounty hunter who fell in a whole and found Sam in his 500 year coma#he’s got some medical debt he needs to clear up so he decides to help Sam as long as he helps him clear his debt#and then the two go on wacky hijinks together to get some cash#I came up with it when I was like 13 so it’s been going-#the guy on crutches is Kain#he lost his leg in the war that happened while Sam was in that coma#the lovely lady next to him is his (adopted) mother#who runs a restaurant#the guy with the cool earrings is Juno#and the woman with the burn scar is Kalani#retrograde
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people joking after characters want to sleep after a coma "haha didnt you just sleep for weeks?? why are you tired?"
what you dont know is that after i got outta mine ive been perm tired like my body misses the sweet eternal rest of induced coma drugs
#the body craves oblivion#actually fr a coma is very little like sleep imo#cause well. i dont think you actually have a sleep cycle?#i actually do remember the music the dr or my family was playing though. weird af#this isnt a scoldy post btw i just think its funny cause of how tired i was when i woke up lol. like heck yeah i wanted to sleep
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tell us about your why you were sleeping au! specifically why that movie?
Hi! thank you so much for asking 🥰
There were a couple of reasons why i was drawn to that movie for these particular characters, and I think the first was the complicated and frustrating but still loving sibling relationship. I think the first thing where I recognized like, the seed of a story, is that scene where bill pullman sits in his brother's hospital room and is like I loved you and I was proud of you and I never envied you until now. I actually think my version is a lot sadder and more serious in tone than the movie is just because the idea of your sibling being in a coma is so painful to me i can't keep that from leaking into the writing, even when the premise promises romcom shenanigans sorry guys
The second thing that I found really moving about while you were sleeping was sandra bullock's portrayal of this very lonely woman. Idk how to explain it but I loved the way that her loneliness is depicted it's my favorite part of the movie! I particularly latched on to the idea that she observes these strangers on the train every day and really genuinely loves them because she's so lonely. Which leads me to the last thing I wanted to pull from the movie, which is the trains. I love the subway and i was so inspired and excited to sort of take that imagery and run with it--there's wayyy more trains in my version than the movie haha
#one thing that my version doesn't really have in the same way as the original is this idea of being adopted into someone elses family#just because the boys have SUCH A MESSY FAMILY you want to be like girl run!#but i do love that idea of expanding your family/gaining a family so i tried to introduce that with some of the teenage plot line#because it matters so much to me#honestly this is much more of a remix than a retelling or adaptation. it's very loose and everything has been shuffled up#but i think the siblings the loneliness and the trains are whats still there#oh yea and the coma. thats still there too!#while you were sleeping au#wip tag game!
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i have a headache :(
#i wanna go on a walk but my anxiety is through the roof and my head fucking hurts and i just want to sleep#im so fucking tired#i really want to go out but my fucking head hurts#my fucking head hurts and im so pissed off at everything rn#i need alone timeeeeeeee#i really need alone time#and some quiet#and a shot of tequila tbh#anyways#im gonna try and not lose my fucking mind while i lay in my bed and try and ignore the sound of the electricity#im so fucking done with everything tbh#everything is falling apart atound meeeeeeee#i just fucking hate my body ngl#like to the point where i feel like people would like me more if i was a pile of gore on the ground#idfk#im sorry#im a fucking mess rn...i just want to turn back time or fucking sleep until everything is ok#i would like to be put in a fucking coma please#yk just wake me up after this hell is ove#wake me up when im ok again...wake me up when the world finally gets its shit together so i can get my shit together#i wish life was nicer to me...#im prolly just gonna take a nap and then go on a walk...or ill just rot away in my bed all day...#idfk i just wanna go home...but i am home...i know when i want to go home i usually am longing for comfort and shit you associate with home#but like i just want to go home...home to my brother home to my loving family home to my dogs#yk? like i am home right now but i want the feeling of home back...the feeling of love in a place that is just our own...this place seems...#idfk...almost feels empty...like im in an abandoned house and watching all the memories in this place replay over and over...#i feel like im laying in the rubble of everything...#idfk...im just sad for some reason and i dont fucking know why...#it feels like im a ghost in someones memories of this house...
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I've set myself 10 alarms so there's a tiny chance I might wake up early enough to somehow get this shit done today. I would bet that I still won't hear any of them, sleep for at least 12 hours, and then feel so fucking awful that I don't get anything done, though :)
#because im a fucking piece of shit#I'm also on 3 medications that make me sleep soooo yeah there is no way to wake me up earlier#fuck I just want to sleep and not have to deal with this#just go into a coma. then it's not my fault if I fucking fail#I'm so useless
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sometimes i realize the only difference between a coma and how i spend my time is that i can flip myself
#sleep#napping#i just want to sleep#sleepy#too eepy#coma#rotisserie chicken#flipping#it’s fine#just sleepy
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i lied actually im perfectly fine. im completely normal
#voice of a guy whos entire life is spent caught between rising and falling mental stability#reassurance that i wont be abandoned makes me cry#being told someone is proud of me makes me cry#the concept that someone could miss me is just outside of my understanding#ive been ill longer than ive been healthy#i cant remember the last time i woke up feeling rested#ive never woken up with the feeling of “oh that was a good sleep. im ready to face the day”#im never ready. every morning is empty#im a gutted fish. im a dissected frog#i am baring everything for the chance of attention#i would livestream hurting myself if i thought itd get me attention#if i thought itd make people care about me#pain is penance. pain makes up for me being alive. im not even meant to be alive and ill never get over that#not in the sense of “you were an accident”. more in the sense of i am not meant to Be here. probability-wise#miracle baby ends up terribly depressed and frequently suicidal#there are so many times i should have died#ive had. what 3? near death experiences?#2 i know for a fact really Should have killed me#and part of me is. kind of disgustingly glad it didnt#i am a hypocrite i know#im terrified of death#and in reality i dont even want to die. not really#not in the way people think when you say suicide#a coma maybe. thats what im after#i want to try and fail#i want it to hurt#i want to hurt. i want to be in pain so maybe itll fix me and itll make up for how i am#ive been thinking about it and wondering if i could hire someone to help me with it#the whole being in pain part of it#ideally itd be someone i CARE about. or ADMIRE. or LIKE doing it
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i know its probably just me doing a backwards slide mental health-wise but god. i really wasnt built to be in this world
#i cant do shit!!!!!! literally nothing!!!! and nothing helps!!!!!#i think i might need to up my antidepressants. cause i was in bed all weekend and this is the 2nd day in a row ive felt like total shit#but whatever. im cool im chill. i just dont particularly feel much of a connection to any of the things happening around me#and also want to go into a little bit of a 6-year coma. or just a really long nap. sleeping beauty style#thetalogs
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Everything is hitting me at once emotion wise and I am not vibing Scoob.
#vent#rant#personal#delete later#i am so overwhelmed with my life#taking care of the animals#trying to keep the house clean#realizing i dont have time to do anything i like#having a crisis because things i used to like such as drawing or reading arent fun anymore#and i want them to be fun#now it just feels like added work#im tired all the fucking time#theres always too much to do#on my days off im running errands for myself#or my mother#i just never have time to myself when im motivated and dont feel like going into a sleep coma#ive been gaininf weight too and im hating how i look and the fact i cant lose it
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Hm I cant decide if I want Brutus to sleep be a fidgety sleeper (constantly shifting, moving, making little noises, etc) or a clingy sleeper (Cannot sleep well unless he's buried under blankets, and has something to cling to- be it a pillow, his dog, or person).
I know for a fact he's a light sleeper, and can sleep just about anywhere including the floor (though he won't sleep well on the floor, but can and will just curl up for nap if the situation requires) AND his ass snores
#oc: Brutus#i love thinking about my ocs sleeping habits#i think it says a lot about them and is also just cute#i am tucking him in#i like to imagine him sleeping in Caesar’s tent when Caesar is in his coma#either sat mostly upright at the foot of Caesar’s bed#or at the side kinda let forward with just his head on the mattress#really adds to his pathetic pining kicked dog energy#Caesar u got a 6'2“ muscle bear with big brown eyes and autistic swag who wants you badly#either stop being a dick head or die so he can move on lmao#i both hate their dynamic and love it becuase it sucks for Brutus but boy is it intresting to meee#laz posting
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i feel like im the only person who has ever burned their hand on a fucking walk in cooler. who the fuck does that? how the hell does that happen? its a fucking nevera
#not to mention i havent fucking slept in three days#i think i got 30 mins last night and maybe 20 the night before#and life keeps hitting me#im so tired#i just want to sleep man#imma try to bounce outta here early so hopefully it isnt stupid busy lmao#then ill probably fall into a coma 🤞
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So this is my thing now, I’m afraid to go to sleep. This is kinda bullshit, brain.
#I feel like I’m going to die when I fall asleep#see… I’m afraid you think I just mean I’m scared of death#no no no. no. I feel like I’m suffocating. I have to force myself to breathe. my body tingles (in a bad way). I get really overheated.#I get dizzy and feel like I’m going to pass out from lack of air. I feel sick.#I haven’t slept much lately.#I’m miserable alllll the time. I can maybe force sleep with super exhaustion but I’m drained no matter what#this isn’t the first time it’s happened but this is the longest it’s gone on#from that my anxiety is now blanketing everything bc I’m so tired and scared about not getting to sleep#sickening anxiety. I feel like puking or passing out. and I got hit with some heavy (but thankfully short) virtigo yesterday#terrible terrible terrible#and seriously. anxiety. so bad. I’m constantly trying to get high right now to fight it but it’s rough#getting high is starting to make me feel sick too. and my tolerance is building. it’s like… it’s all bad. all options.#I hate this.#AND it’s the weekend and my new primary can’t see me until Wednesday and then I’ve got to beg for… I dunno… the good stuff#god. I told myself I’d go see my doctor about this a couple of weeks ago when this last hit and I didn’t 😓#ideal scenario: all doctors fall in love with me and medically induce a short coma for me to catch up on sleep and then they give me drugs#this new doctor doesn’t know me! I haven’t laid enough groundwork! how am I supposed to beg for klonopin if we have no banter!?#that wasn’t a joke. I mean it was but it’s also serious. I need some GOOD anti-anxieties and he doesn’t know me enough to know I NEEDS IT😬#also my tinnitus is just… no sleep + stress means it gets stronger and it’s… a fucking wet willy shoved through my ear into my skull#and if I hit a bad patch of virtigo… I will… redacted.#I won’t! I will go running crying and screaming in the street before I off myself.#HEY! my insurance says I can get 30 days in-patient and I always keep that thought in my bad pocket.#*back pocket. I’m not about to go back and start redoing tags because of a few misspellings#this is so rambly#my brain is fried! I’m tired! my appetite is fucked! I don’t want to do ANYTHING!#I mean… I never want to do anything. I love being lazy. I should say that right now I CAN’T do anything. but I can. but it’s… a lot. fuck 😔#this must sound so whiny. I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll be making more posts like this until this goes away#you can ignore this#text
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chapter 3: in which eli is burnt out and done giving even half a shit about his job, social life, and life in general
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