#and then his mom drove us around the neighborhood and i convinced my self that the whole world was just a figment of her imagination

[thetangibleghost]

I think we might have trauma tied to the literal feeling of falling asleep/waking up. Like we get nightmares that are just. The feeling of changing concousness but drawn out + adrenaline + terror

[soohieinhergrave]

Oh, woe is me, the world falls apart around me, abandoned by greater society. Please, kind stranger, listen to what I have to say.

I have recently been diagnosed with double-AIDS. That’s when you get AIDS twice. I’m trying to pay the medical bills, but they are simply too much for my feeble self. I also happen to be a single mother of six children who go to sleep hungry and dream of cheeseburger and fry. How awful! How should any children be forced to go through this? In our great country of America?

That’s why I ask only one thing: Go to 600 W 26th St, Austin, Texas, take the elevator to floor 3 and enter apartment 5, and kill the man inside. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How would killing this innocent man help your predicament?” Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, I used to be a very rich woman until I met this man. One day, all of my savings and money was suddenly gone, and he was at my doorstep. He said, “If you want to get your money back, you’re going to have to win this challenge! I’m going to be racing across the country with a debit card containing all your money inside my stomach. All you have to do is track me down, murder me, and dislodge the card from my stomach!” He then ran into the driver’s seat of a Tesla and drove off. I’ve been trying to find him for years, but now that I’ve found him, I thought it better for someone else to do the dirty work. You’ll know him when you see him. He looks a lot like former US President Barack Obama.

Now, you may be wondering how I even got my money in the first place, which is a story even more tumultuous than the last. You see, my late husband got rich from making vaccine. He’d pump up all the children in the neighborhood with his vaccine juice and they’d be on their merry way. That was until he died. Yeah, that’s right. He died. On his death bed, he whispered to me, “I’ve killed myself of vaccine overdose. All the vaccines out there are dangerous, my dear. You have to get them out of our kids’ systems.” He then died. I quickly ran out of the hospice and back home, where I cut a small hole and sucked the blood out of each of my six children to get the vaccine out of them, which ended up saving them from autism, but leaving me with double-AIDS. My kids have been living happy vaccine-free ever since, along with the crooked money my husband left me.

In another tale of mine, I was rolling down a waterfall in a barrel. I was tied down, my mouth was gagged, it was hopeless. My assailant, former US President Barack Obama, stood on the sidelines. You see, the Presidents of the United States are all in a mega-conspiracy group called the Mega Illuminati, along with every other world leader. They only have one mission: Give vaccines to as many people as possible. Since I was online trying to convince people that vaccines caused autism in children, he decided this was a fair punishment. “So long, Martha Reddenbrough!” he called to me as I plummeted from the edge.

As you can see, I am clearly struggling and need all the support you can give me. I would prefer that murder, but cash works too. Thank you for your help!

Mom I think grandma forgot to take her meds…

[ellana-ravenwood]

“I want a divorce” - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Well. The title is rather self-explanatory. Hope you’ll like it ;) : 

My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives

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                                                     ******

It wasn’t a rare occurrence for the youngest Wayne boy to barge uninvited in the Kent’s household. He’d come to play video games with Jon, or to just hang out with his friend. 

More often than not, he’d stay for lunch (and of course compare every single thing made with what his mom or Alfred make). And though he never called to say when he would come, apparently thinking it uncessary to do so, he was always welcomed. 

He was such a good friend to Jon, that neither Clark nor Lois minded. Both boys had a good influence on the other, as surprising as this might sound. Besides, Jon too, often went to Wayne Manor uninvited. 

Though unlike the Kents, Bruce grumbled about it all the time. 

Mainly because the kid always flew there using his powers. Your husband told Clark countless times to just ask and he would send a helicopter to fetch him…of course, only Bruce Wayne would think it reasonable to get a helicopter instead of his son flying discreetly there (he always made sure to land in the forrest next to Wayne Manor, so no one would notice him).

Yes, Damian was always welcomed in the Kents’ house, wether he was invited or not. Lately, Lois even managed to make him do the dishes, a feat that she was very proud of. 

Oh and if only she knew that you were the one responsible for that change in your son. One day Jon was visiting and helping Alfred to clean up after diner, and you were thanking him. That’s Superman’s son “betrayed” his friend and made a comment about Damian never helping out when he visited his house, which made you scold him and tell him that it was the polite thing to do to at least offer some help ! 

You’d never tell Lois of course. It was better that she thought she was the one convincing your son to do it. 

Today was one of those unplanned visit. 

Damian knocked on the door (which should have been the first sign that something was wrong, as usually he would directly climb through Jon’s bedroom window. What was it with those Wayne boys and not using doors ?). 

Clark was the one to open and was indeed more surprised that the boy knocked rather than him being here uninvited.

“Hello Mr. Kent, is Jon here ?”

“Mr Kent” ? Asking politely if his son was here and not just making himself at home by coming in ? Clark had no shadow of a doubt that this was your doing. You probably had a little conversation with him about the fact that climbing through people’s windows wasn’t very nice. 

Only you, could make your youngest son behave like that.

“Hi Damian. And yes, he’s upstairs doing his homework. Come on in.”

“His homework ? Maybe I should come back later, then ? I don’t want to bother him, or you.”

That genuinely rendered Clark speechless. Has his best friend’s son been replaced by someone else ? A form of alien body snatcher or something ? Since when did Damian care about wether Jon was busy or not ? Not that he would impose himself if he really was, but homework ? Damian would usually help him out with it so it would be done fast and then they could hang out. 

Clark was staring at the boy with his mouth open, not sure wether it was really Damian Wayne in front of him or not, when Lois walked past them and noticed the boy.

“Oh hey there Damian, coming to see Jon ?”

By saying that, she was expecting a sarcastic : “oh no, I came here to visit the neighborhood, I’m very interested in real estate” or something of the like, as obviously he was coming to see Jon. But she liked little snarky Damian, he made her laugh, which is why she asked him “dumb” questions on purpose sometimes. So she was very surprised when instead, he said : 

“I was, but he’s doing his homework so I should come back later when he’s not busy. I don’t want to be a nuisance or anything.”

Lois stopped in her track. For a few seconds, she wasn’t sure wether the boy was serious or just extremely sarcastic (just like you). But after observing him for a while, she could clearly see he was being genuine. She looked at Damian curiously. 

Which made the boy uncomfortable. Why were they staring at him like that ? What was their problem ? Were they having a brain aneurysm or something ?  Should he just…leave ? Or should he make sure they were ok first ?

But before Damian could do anything, Jon came downstairs and saw all of them bundled up at the front door.

“What’s going on here ? Mom ? Dad ? …Oh hey Damian !”

“Hi. Are you done with your homework ?”

“Oh yeah, it was easy peasy ! Hey come on, I just got to a new level in « Cheese Viking » and unlocked new weapons !!”

Jon ran back upstairs, not even noticing that his parents seemed to be frozen in their place, staring intently at Damian. Your son stared back for a few seconds, wondering what got into them, before following Jon up.

There was a few moments of silence, before Clark turned to his wife and said :

“Did he just…Was he just being…”

“Weirdly polite and considerate ?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah. Must be (Y/N)’s doing.”

“Must be.”

They both looked towards the stairs where their son and Damian disappeared just a few seconds before, and looked at each other again.

Damian was always more polite and nice when you were around. It seemed like you had this positive effect on your family, managing to get the best out of your children, out of Bruce. 

Around you, they always were more relaxed and happy, which made them act in a nicer way. Not because they were afraid of you and your wrath (well, maybe that a little, and it was well known that you highly disliked impolite people), but because you just had that soothing effect on them. 

They just felt better when around you, which made them behave in a lighter, more optimistic way.  To be honest, most of the time, you didn’t even make them behave in a nicer way on purpose, they just…became softer when you were around. 

Clark always saw a clear shift in Bruce’s mood, when he was out on long missions for the Justice League and wasn’t able to see you for days, even weeks at a time. It always made him more…More like when he first met Clark and you weren’t in the picture yet. 

He was moodier, less patient, more snappy and violent. 

More than once Clark asked “how is (Y/N) doing ?” to Bruce when the man was being particularly annoying and harsh, just so that he would lift up his mood (and by extension, get off his back a little). 

Bruce, as Batman or not, would always have a fond expression on his face, even a quick dumb smile before getting his emotions back in check, at the mere mention of you. 

The members of the Justice League often used your name to defuze delicate situation with the Batman. He could get so severe and unforgiving, they were very thanksful for your existence and the way you seemed to, even when you weren’t there, make him soften up. Make him more human, or rather, allowing this human side of him to surface without him wanting to immediately suppress his feelings so he would never get hurt again. 

Now of course he was still very much the intimidating and stoic Batman wether you were around or not, but he just had moments of...”weakness” (or strength, really), where his expression softened, and he let go of certain things he would usually not let go of. 

He’d still stare dagger into anyone mentioning that fact though. 

And this sort of soothing effect you had ? It worked on all your children too.

Dick got down from irattional anger more than once because someone said something like “what would your mom think of you right now ?”. 

Jason stopped killing because he saw how much it hurt you, and finally came to understand his father’s point of view thanks to you.

Tim would get out of his « focused » mode (the moments when he was so into something that he didn’t hear anything around him, and would forget to eat and sleep) if he heard your name, and talking about you and your worries for him would always be a sure way to get him to bed. 

Cassandra was less afraid to talk and show her emotions, when you were there. She felt safe and warm and minded less to show her true self. 

And Damian…Well Damian was overall just more agreable and polite when you were around. Because you made him want to be a better person. He wanted to show you he wasn’t the boy the Al’Ghuls raised, but your boy. 

One that was compassionate and that cared about others.

So yeah, he would be nicer when you were around. He was nicer overall, of course, compared to when he first came in your life…But he was also his father’s son, which meant that sometimes, he’d get arrogant, patronizing even. 

But oh well, you never wanted to change him per se, you just wanted to make him feel loved and safe. It was a bonus really, that thanks to that Damian showed his true color. 

He was never a ruthless warrior who killed without regret, and who wanted power. He was actually a very sensitive boy…but that of course, was a little secret between you, him, his siblings, father and Alfred. 

He couldn’t risk others to think he was a total softie, which is why sometimes he could be a bit…well, smug and annoying, really. 

Even with you, to be honest. There were times he thought he knew everything better than everyone else and drove you completely crazy. But he couldn’t be perfect. He was still a human. Of course sometimes he’d get on your nerve, especially as he was entering his teen years…

In any case, your presence made him want to be better, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t sometimes act all smug and all (he was his father’s son after all...Plus, you too could be highly sarcastic, petty and cynical, not letting anyone walk on your feet, and a bit too brutally honest at times). 

And with the Kents ? Especially with Clark and Jon (he always seemed to be a bit softer with Lois, and she was pretty sure it was because she somehow reminded him of you), he could be a little asshole. And he most definitely never cared about wether Jon was doing his homework or not. 

If he wanted to see him, then he’d just invite himself in the house without worries of inconveniencing them. 

So for Damian to act like he just did, unsure and worried he would bother them, both Lois and Clark were pretty sure you must have scolded him for some reasons…But oh, they were actually rather far from the truth.

************

“Are you okay Damian ?” 

“Huh ?”

Damian turned to Clark and looked at him blankly for a few seconds. They were around the kitchen table, eating dessert, and the boy was clearly someplace else, lost in his thoughts. Damian answered : 

“Yes, the pie is very good. Good job, Mrs. Kent.”

Ok. Definitely not the answer Clark and his family were expecting. It was clear that Damian didn’t hear a word of what Superman said, and just answered automatically to a question the man often asked him when it was dessert time.

“Um, Damian ?”

The boy looked up at Clark with a questioning look in his eyes, before the man continued : 

“Are you okay ?” 

There was a few more seconds of silence, where it seemed like Damian was pondering his answer, before he finally said : 

“...Yes ?” 

Which definitely didn’t sound convincing. And did not sound like something Damian would say. The boy was always so sure of himself...Lois exchanged a look with her husband and son, and they all stared at him. He didn’t even seem to really notice it, as he was once more deep in his thoughts. 

It wasn’t like Damian Wayne, to be daydreaming that much and answering questions half-heartedly like that. If a question annoyed him, he’d just get very snarky and be done with it. But here ? Right now ? He suddenly seemed like a little kid who lost his parents in a crowded mall. 

He was looking right through them, and a strange lingering sadness fell heavy in his eyes...Clark asked, once again : 

“Are you sure you’re okay, chum ?” 

The question seemed to surprise Damian, and he turned back to Clark. He just stared at the man for a little while, before answering in a low voice, almost a whisper :  

“I-I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean, you don’t know ?”

“I-I came here hoping it would take my mind off of something. Playing video games with Jon usually makes me forget some of my worries. But-But it’s not working today.” 

Touched by the fact that Damian came to his house when he felt a bit overwhelmed, Clark answered, his voice soft and reassuring : 

“What is the matter, champ ?” 

There was yet another silent. Damian was staring at his pie, refusing to raise his eyes because...Oh God. Clark, Lois and Jon quickly realized why Damian was averting their gaze, and they had no idea how to react to that.

He was crying. 

Damian was crying. 

His tears falling heavily on his piece of apple pie. Out of reflex, Clark reached for his shoulder and...And something very unexpected happened. It kind of freaked the mighty Superman out.

Damian jumped out of his chair and into Clark’s arms, burying his face in his shirt and sobbing slowly. What the hell happened, to put him in such a state ? Even during very difficult time, Clark never saw the boy shed a tear. Never. 

“My-I think my-I...My parents, I think they’re going to divorce !” 

He managed to finally say in between hiccups, and suddenly everything made sense to Clark and his family. 

Divorce ? You and Bruce ? How was it even possible ? Clark never saw anyone as deep in love as you two were...What happened ? 

************

The night before, Damian couldn’t sleep and whenever this happened, he would walk around the Manor until he would get tired. He would usually avoid going anywhere near his parents’ bedroom, for obvious reasons...But he was getting very sleepy and didn’t even realize his feet were directing him towards there. 

Once he realized, he made a face and was about to quickly turn around before hearing anything that would make him want to vomit...When he heard his mom yell angrily, which was definitely not a sound he was used to hear coming from this room.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, the saying went. And Damian would soon realize that he would have rather not being so curious that day...

“How could you do this to me Bruce ?!” 

He heard you yell, and you sounded so mad...Damian’s heart skipped a beat. What did his father do ?

“Come on (Y/N), you’re being unreasonable !” 

“I am not ! You’re just being such a jerk, why ? Why did you do this ?” 

What did his father do ?! Damian, ear against their bedroom door, was listening intently, his heart beating faster than ever. He never heard his parents fight, genuinely fight ! He saw them argue a few times, but they never yelled at each others like that ! 

This had to be serious. 

“I had to (Y/N), and you know it !” 

“You had to ? Does...Does any of this even matter to you, Bruce ? Do I matter to you ?”

“You know you do !”

“Then why did you betray me like that ? Why ?”

“Because that was my only option !”

“No it wasn’t ! You could’ve...you could’ve...You know what ? I’ve had enough !”

“You’ve had enough ?” 

Damian’s mind was running a hundred miles per hour, trying to figure out what his father could have done to anger you so much ! It must have been something terrible ! And the tone his father used when he said “you’ve had enough ?”, it sounded like he was almost desperate...

“Yes. This is the straw that broke the camel. I’m done. I’m so done.”

“What do you mean ? You can’t be done we-”

“Yes I can. And I am. You know what Bruce ? I always knew you’d break my heart one day. I just...” 

Damian’s heart stopped. What was happening ? 

“I just never thought it would be in such a way.”

“(Y/N) I-” 

“I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses. Any more of your lies. You said you would never do this, and yet...Yet here we are.” 

“I’m really-” 

“I said I didn’t want to hear you anymore. You went too far. You know you went too far. And I can’t find the strength in me to forgive you this time...I just can’t...” 

“So what ? You’re just gonna leave then ? Give up ?” 

“Yes Bruce. Yes. Exactly. That’s what I’m going to do. I gave you so many chances Bruce, so many. But you just never change, do you ? I hoped...I hoped I could convince you to...I...I was wrong.” 

“Clearly.” 

No ! No what was his dad doing ?! Damian wanted to burst into the room and yell that whatever Bruce did, he should apologies again and again, until you’d believe him. Why would he take such a cold tone now ? Why would he...Why ?! 

Oh but Damian knew his dad better than a lot of people. He knew that when cornered, his father could swallow up all his emotions and become a machine. He knew that if pushed far enough, his father would push back with triple the force. And so when Damian heard the coldness in his father’s voice, he understood that this was it. 

“I can’t believe I trusted you.” 

“It’s not my fault you were so naive. You can only be mad at yourself, (Y/N).” 

“How dare you say that to me ?! When I always supported you in everything you did ?!” 

“What do you want me to say, (Y/N) ?! You don’t want to hear my apologies, you don’t want to hear the truth, you-”

“The truth ? THE TRUTH ?! YOU MEAN THAT YOU’RE A TRAITOR THAT HOLDS NOTHING SACRED ?! NOT EVEN YOUR WIFE’S TRUST ?!” 

This was getting so out of hand. What did his father do ? What did his father do ?! Damian’s heart couldn’t stop from beating hard. What should he do ? Should he intervene ? But he never had the time to...

He had no idea what happened in there, but after a short silence, your voice raised again saying, lower than before, and clearly saddened : 

“So that’s it huh ? That’s all you have to say then ?” 

“Yes. You won’t listen to me anyway, no matter what. You’re done ? When I’m done too. I did what I had to. I’m sorry you got hurt in the process, but that needed to be done.” 

Another silence. A heavy one. A silence so deep that all Damian could hear was his rapid beating heart. When finally, you talked again : 

“Ok. So that’s how it is. Those are your last words ?”

“Yes.” 

“Ok then...Well, I want a divorce if that’s how it’s going to be !”

Damian’s blood froze in his veins, as he heard those words coming out of his parents’ room.

Wh…What ?

A divorce ? No. No this couldn’t be ! What was going to happen to the family, if you divorced ? And what did his father do to make you want to divorce ? It seemed like it was only the day before that he saw you two be grossly in love...And it was the day before ! 

What happened ? Or maybe...Maybe it was all just a facade ? 

Damian remembers reading somewhere that a lot of couples that want to divorce stay together just for the kids. Even if they can’t stand each others anymore, they won’t split up so they can raise their children in a “normal” household. 

And that definitely sounds like something you two would do,  if you fell out of love or something...Damian always thought you loved each others deeply, and that it would never end, but what if it did ? What if the love you both had for your children was the only thing holding you two together ? 

And what if whatever his father did, finally broke this bond ? Finally made you want to truly leave ? 

Divorce. 

The word sounded awful in his mind. And he felt like he was about to cry...What would happen, if you divorced ? With whom would he live ? He didn’t want to see less of you or of his father because you two weren’t together anymore ! 

Divorce. No. This wasn’t possible...And yet. Yet as Damian heard your footstep go to the bedroom door, he had to face the truth. 

Your son quickly hid in the shadows of the corridor so you wouldn’t see him as you exited the bedroom, as he was pretty sure he wasn't ready to face you just yet, after learning such an awful news...

You stopped at the door frame and turned around, saying : 

“I’m going to sleep in one of the guest room. The further from you I can.” 

“Fine.” 

“Fine.” 

And on that note, you slammed the door shut and walked, without looking back, towards the East wing of the Manor. Indeed, the opposite of where your room was...

When you slammed the door, it didn’t shut off properly as it bounced on the frame, and so the door was still slightly opened. Damian peaked in, and what he saw convinced him that you and his father were truly going to divorce. 

Bruce was sitting on the bed, facing the wall so that Damian could see his face. And he looked...broken. Sad. So sad. 

It could only mean one thing. If you did divorce, it wouldn’t be Bruce’s choice but yours. Which meant...You finally gave up. 

Damian had no idea what his father did, but he knew that he already hurt you many times. When he used to have his “dark days”. When he was unfairly harsh at times, too deep into his Batman persona. When...When...

Bruce wasn’t always easy and sweet on you. He could be a very difficult man to live with. But Damian always thought you could handle it, after all, you did for so many years...But he guessed that even the best snapped. 

Divorce. 

Damian hated that word. 

************

After witnessing you and Bruce fight, Damian definitely couldn’t fall asleep anymore. He couldn’t go to you, or to his father for comfort of course...so he went to the next best thing, his sibling.

He went to his sister first.

Cass opened her eyes groggily, and was met with a distressed Damian...Which instantly awoken her. She sat up in bed and said, tensed : 

“Damian, problem ?” 

But Damian wouldn’t tell her yet. He guided her through the Manor, and to Tim’s room before waking him up too (way more aggressively than how he woke Cass up). 

“Ah oh no I didn’t ask for licorice ice cream ! Please spare me !” 

Tim yelled, jumping out of his bed in a panic. For a few seconds, Damian forgot the awful thing he just witnessed to judge the hell out of his brother...But just for a few mere seconds, before his sadness crept once again in his bones. 

“What’s happening ? What is it ? Are we under attack ?!” 

Tim continued, rubbing his eyes and looking around the room haphazardly, grabbing his blanket as a “weapon”. Until he finally noticed Damian and Cassandra. He was about to get mad when he spotted his little brother’s expression. The hell happened, why did he look so heartbroken ?! 

An ancient “older bro” instinct grabbed his soul, and he grabbed Damian by the shoulders, looked at him right in the eye and asked : 

“What’s the matter Dam’ ?” 

************

“Don’t be ridiculous Damian, mom and dad would NEVER divorce, they’re much too in love for that !”

Tim said, wide awake now. Yes. This was just ridiculous. Everyone could see how in love his parents were. They always rubbed in in everyone’s nose, wether intentionally or not. 

“Well I thought so too ! But then I heard them arguing, father said that mom was being unreasonable, and mom said that she wasn’t, and talked about wanting a divorce !”

“You actually heard her say that ? Are you sure you didn’t just have a nightmare ? I get super vivid one sometimes too, especially about our family breaking up into pieces...” 

“No Tim ! It wasn’t a nightmare ! It was real ! A real nightmare !”

“So it was a nightmare ?” 

Cassandra rolled her eyes and said : 

“Not nightmare. But looks like nightmare, if really real.” 

“Oh...” 

It baffled Cass, that Tim could be the smartest of them all, and sometimes the most dense one. The girl turned to her little brother, and asked : 

“What happened ? From beginning to end ?” 

And so Damian said the entire story, of how he surprised their parents’ fight. When Tim still looked unconvinced, he dragged him all the way to the guest room you were deeply asleep in and...

Faced with the reality of what was happening, Tim almost had a full on panic attack there and there. 

No. No no no. His parents couldn’t divorce ! With whom would he live ? ...No, he couldn’t even think about having to chose ! No. No this couldn’t happen. 

Tim, when he was very young, already witnessed his biological parents’ divorce and...it was so destructive ! It ruined his chance to ever have a normal home ! Tim always been convinced that his biological parents’ divorce is what lead them to take all their bad decisions, what made them so bitter and dangerous, and what ultimately killed them.

Because they didn’t have that “other half” to rely on...And Tim was sure of all this, after he witnessed his “new” mom and dad being so damn in love with each others. Supporting each others every day, and helped each other walk on the path of life. 

Without you, Bruce was but a shadow of himself. And vice versa. So how could this be possible ?! Tim refused to believe it. He simply refused to. 

And yet, here, faced with you sleeping in the guest room, he had to admit the truth. You never slept elsewhere than in your shared bedroom. Never. Because neither you nor Bruce could sleep if the other one wasn’t there (you always repeated that to your children, kind of grossing them out at times). 

You needed to feel each others’ warmth to sleep and yet...yet here you were, deeply asleep in the guest room. Did that mean you didn’t love their dad anymore ? And that Damian was right, you two were really going to get a divorce ? 

Breathing heavily, Tim fell back first against the wall. His brother and sister rushed to him, mimicking what they saw you do with him whenever he had a panic attack. 

Helping him find a regular way to breathe again...But the more Tim thought about it, the more he panicked. Who was going to soothe him if you and Bruce divorced ? If you weren’t there anymore ? But would he stay with his dad ? What if he went with you ? No, Tim couldn’t quite ever forgive him if he left his father alone, as Bruce was more prompt to fall into darkness than you were...but then, who would soothe him during his panic attack ?! 

Cassandra laid her hand on her brother’s forehead, and breathed heavily. Slowly, Tim followed her breathing and calmed down. But he couldn’t move quite yet, so Cass sat next to him, and Damian sat on his other side. 

“What are we going to do ?” 

Damian asked, voice broken, tears slowly welling up in his eyes. Tim, still a bit winded, didn’t think twice before putting an arm around his little brother’s shoulders, and everyone knew this was a desperate situation when Damian curled up against him, as both of them were rarely affectionate. 

“Don’t know.” 

Cassandra said, curling up on Tim’s other side. 

“What are we going to become ?” 

“Don’t know.” 

“Is it our fault ? I read somewhere that 60% of divorce happened because of the kids.” 

“I read somewhere that 70% of couples stayed together because of the kids.” 

“So either way, they’re unhappy because of us ?” 

“Maybe.” 

Your three youngest children, curled up against each other in the dark corridor, didn’t manage to reassure each other this time. They usually always were able to...but this time, they got even more depressed. 

Divorce. 

What was going to happen, if you really got a divorce ?

Cass raised her eyes towards the door of the room in which you slept peacefully. Much too peacefully to her taste...You always said you couldn’t sleep, if Bruce wasn’t there. And he always said he couldn’t sleep properly without you. So why were you sleeping so deeply ? 

There was only one explanation to that. You fell out of love with him. Or something of the like. 

And the word “divorce” suddenly became very real. 

************

The next day, they found their father sitting alone at the breakfast table. When they came in the room, he left hurriedly, and went down the Batcave...this early ? This was odd. 

Damian decided to leave for the Kents’ household, in the hope that it would take his mind off of things...But it didn’t work. 

Instead, he found himself crying in Superman’s arms, about how his parents were going to divorce. And when he told the entire story to Clark, Lois and Jon ? Their faces said it all. 

It definitely didn't look good. 

Clark thought that if it was any other people, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Sometimes, your words could go further than what you really thought, you know ? Especially when angry. 

Only Clark knew you. Both of you. Very well. And he knew it was neither of your style to get that worked up over nothing, and it was most definitely not your thing to threaten to divorce lightly. 

And so, as Damian cried, all Clark could do was try to comfort him, knowing that if you and Bruce were really getting a divorce, that poor little boy would forever be heartbroken...

************

Damian came home a few hours after going to the Kents, heart even more shattered than before, as he didn’t find the solace he was looking for in his friend. 

On the contrary, he only found pity, which was the worst thing possible right now...

When he came back to the manor, Cass and Tim were still there.

But this time, Jason and Dick joined as well. Cass and Tim called them, in the hope that they would have some sort of idea of how to fix things. 

************

Neither Jason nor Dick had any idea how to fix things. 

They couldn’t quite believe their ears, when their little siblings told them about the fight their parents were in. 

“Well, couple fight all the time right ?”

Dick tried to say, hoping to find a positive light to put things in. 

“Not like that. And not our parents.” 

“I’ve seen them fight often.” 

“But it wouldn’t last long. While it has already been a night and half a day right now !” 

Damian said, anxious. The fact that he was counting down the hours since he last saw his mom and dad together was saying something. 

“But lately they haven’t had time to see each other often right ? They were very busy ? Maybe that’s why they fought ? Cause they missed each other and were frustrated that they couldn’t see each other ?”

Dick tried, but instantly regretted it as he saw a look of horror in his little brother’s eyes because...Oh but yes. Yes, Dick understood instantly what Damian, and all his siblings, were slowly understanding. 

They were putting two and two together. You and Bruce hadn’t seen much of each other lately, while you always made sure to spend time together...That could only mean that...that...

That morning,  you were nowhere to be seen, and Alfred said that you apparently went out early. You ? Out ? Early ? Without saying bye to your kids ? Or to Bruce ? Yeah. There definitely was a problem. 

Dick didn’t really know what else to say, to try and rationalize what Damian just told them. Because the kid seemed so serious and heartbroken, he couldn’t make it up ! 

Besides, what kind of sick joke would that be ? No. Neither him, nor Tim or Cass were that good of actors. They all seemed devastated. They were clearly not lying. 

And Dick had no idea how to deal with the news. No funny jokes came to his mind, no way of lightening up the atmosphere. Instead, a big ugly anger started to rise within him...because how could you guys do this to them ? 

Dick, when angry, lost all sense of what was rational and what wasn’t. And as he was trying to keep his fury in check, so that he wouldn’t make it worst for his precious siblings, he couldn't help but indeed forget the rational part of his mind...and forget about how this split up would hurt you and Bruce a lot too. All he could think about, was him, his brothers and sister, and how this would forever break their family ! 

And it made him so...so angry ! 

Jason hadn’t said a thing yet, lost in his thoughts. So..what, that was it ? His parents were going to divorce ? Just like that ? 

The role model, the relationship goals he set for himself would just like, vanish in the air ? Years of wanting something just like his parents had would shatter ? 

Did real love not exist ? According to what Damian said, you have had “enough”...but weren’t you suppose to be THE person who could deal the best with Bruce’s shit ? If even you gave up on him...Then who would ever take their chances on someone like Jason ? 

Jason had no illusion about who he was; He knew he was a difficult man to live with too, but he always found hope, solace, in the fact that even a VERY difficult man like his father found love. 

True love. 

And now...now they were getting a divorce ?! 

What could he believe in anymore ? If even the greatest couple he ever saw was breaking-up ?! Jason couldn’t let that happen : 

“Well, it’s not by staying there and lament our loss that anything will get fixed. Do you guys know where dad and mom are ?” 

“I think dad left an hour ago for the Justice League’s watchtower. And we haven’t seen mom since this morning...”

“Ok...Ok well let’s go up then !” 

“Up ?”

“Yeah, let’s go to the watchtower. Talk to dad. Find out what he did, and try to find a solution to make mom forgive him.” 

“Jason, she really sounded mad. And like it was the last straw. She slept in the guest room without problem !” 

“So ?” 

“So she...she might...not...want to be with him any-”

“Shush. We don’t truly know what happened. I admit it’s odd they slept in different rooms, and that it sounded like a really bad fight. But maybe there’s a way we can still salvage their marriage ?”

None of his siblings looked convinced, but Jason wasn’t about to give up on his ideal of love. And so he dragged them to the zeta tube that would take them to the Justice League’s headquarter. 

************

As soon as they arrived, Jason’s convictions faltered. 

Because their dad wasn’t working at a computer, or doing anything...instead, he was eating ice cream at the kitchen table, looking like a sad puppy. 

Could it be that...Could it be that their mom really got enough of him, and was truly the one that was leaving ? What if when she left this morning, she decided she would never come back ?! 

This would be the end of their family. And their balance could be so fragile...Without you, or Bruce, who were the center pillars of it all, everything would shatter. 

Before your children could go to Bruce though, Clark reached him. He too, just came through a zeta tube, and he immediately spotted his gloomy friend. 

After hearing about everything from Damian, he had to go and try to lighten his friend’s mood...

“Hey Batman.” 

Bruce didn’t answer, not even looking up, continuing to eat his ice cream. When was the last time Clark saw Bruce eat something sugary like that ? Oh, right. Long ago. When you broke up for a short while, when Dick was still really young...Oh. Wow. Well this couldn’t be good. 

“Are you okay ?”

“Oh yeah. I’m great. I’m a big happy ray of sunshine.” 

Ooook. Sarcasm. That was...good, right ? 

“Listen, Bruce, I-”

“Clark, I’m really not in the mood. Leave me alone please.”

Wow, this was serious. He didn’t even budge when Clark used his real name instead of “Batman”, and he just called him “Clark” too. This had to be serious. 

Superman raised his head, and saw your children looking at them from afar. He smiled sympathetically to them, and turned back to Bruce, not ready to give up just yet. 

“Bruce, you know you can talk to me right ?”

Batman glared at Clark, and Superman got the shiver...wow, if a look could kill right ? But behind the annoyance in Bruce’s eyes, there was something else. And Clark was pretty sure it was sadness. So he persisted : 

“Listen, Damian told me what happened so-”

“What happened ?” 

Bruce had suddenly straighten back up, and looked at Clark suspiciously. So Clark continued : 

“Yes, yesterday night.” 

It was the first time in his entire life that Clark witnessed Bruce lose complete control of his emotions like that. The Bat’s face fell, and he averted his friend’s gaze before saying : 

“Ah. So you know.” 

This made Clark utterly sad. This confirmed that something indeed happened, and given Bruce’s reaction, it must have been bad... 

“Clark, I swear I didn’t mean to. But she forced me to...I didn’t...” 

What happened ? Did Bruce cheat on you ? But this didn’t sound like a thing he would ever do...But what he said just now made it sound like...And now that he was thinking about it, and according to what Damian said you two argued about, the way Bruce betrayed you...

Maybe ? Maybe Bruce did go too far ? Clark could imagine him cheating on you in only one way. If it was for a mission. If he “had” to to get intels. And even then, it really didn’t sound like him. But given the nature of the argument, and what he just said...

Maybe Bruce did really cheat on you. Even if he didn’t want to. And that would definitely be the last straw for you, the last time Bruce put his “mission” before you and his family. 

But wasn't this all “Dark Bruce who thinks his mission is more important than his family” a thing of the past ? Didn’t you already got into a big argument about it long ago ? 

“What happened, Bruce ?” 

But Bruce never had the chance to answer, as the zeta tube near your children started and...you appeared. 

You seemed completely surprised to be face with all your kids, and started to smile at them but...but then you saw Bruce, sitting not far away, and you frowned, looking elsewhere.

Something was most definitely up. Neither your kids nor Clark ever saw you two act this way...Or rather, they did saw you do that before, childishly not talk to each other after a stupid fight, only, the fight you had the day before wasn’t “stupid”. And you seemed more serious about it all than usually. 

Clark was about to try and pressure Bruce more so he would talk, when Jason exploded. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. He just couldn’t. 

His dream of having a perfect relationship like his parents one day went up in flame, and the salvation he found in his family was threatening to break. 

If his parents divorced, Jason just knew his family would never be the same again. That they would all go their own way. That...That...He couldn’t handle it. And so he exclaimed : 

“What the hell is up with you two ?!” 

This made you jump in the air, as you weren’t expecting such an outburst from Jason, and surprised Bruce too, who was already ready to ignore you and go back to his ice cream. 

You both stared at Jason for a few moments, when you finally said : 

“What ?” 

“Between you and dad. What’s up ? You’ve been acting weird since this morning, and yesterday you slept in different rooms ! And apparently you rarely saw each others lately ! So what is happening ?!”

“We were just...rather busy lately. As for yesterday we-”

“Don’t lie to us mom ! Tell us the truth ! No bullshit about being busy or whatever, tell us what is really up ! And why you’re divorcing !” 

You blinked once. Twice. And...You turn to Bruce. He looks back at you, and you can see he’s as lost as you are. You say :  

“Divorce ? Who talked about divorce ?” 

Damian comes forth and yells : 

“You, you did ! I heard you in your room. I didn’t mean to eveasdrop I promise, it was an accident. But I heard everything. And you’ve been acting so weird lately…You didn’t even kiss father in front of us in days ! You were so distant lately ! And yesterday you slept in different bedrooms ! And you fought ! You said Father betrayed you like never before, and that you wanted a divorce ! And this morning you left without a kiss for him or us, and when you came up here you...you were about to ignore him ! It was clear ! And you glared at him ! And father is eating ice cream ! He only does that when he’s sad !” 

Your children were now staring at all of you, and you could see on their faces that they were downright panicking. And sad. Utterly sad. And that’s when you realized that, this time...you might have went a little bit too far. 

To your defense, you had no idea Damian heard you and Bruce fight. Or you would have instantly went to him. You give him a guilt ridden smile and...

Damian is sure of it. You really are going to divorce. If not, why would you look at him like that. Why would you look to apologetic ? It was clear that you didn’t expect any of them to find out like that, maybe you and Bruce were preparing a big announcement, which is why you slowly-

“Your father and I are not going to divorce.” 

Your voice cut right through Damian’s thoughts, stopping them right in their tracks. He looks up at you and...he’s completely lost. What was happening ? 

You looked at Bruce, who was slowly walking towards you, and then you turned back to your children : 

“I’m um...sorry you misunderstood me.” 

“What is there to misunderstand mom ? You said you wanted a divorce. Don’t lie to us please, if you are getting one please tell us.” 

“I’m not lying Jason. Let me explain...First of all, we were really truly busy lately, and genuinely didn’t have time to see each others. Believe me, it was hard for both of us. Which is also probably why what happened yesterday was so...virulent. And oh my god I think you will all be very cross with us once you’ll find out the truth. Very cross with me. Um...uh...” 

But you weren’t saying anything. Why weren’t you saying anything ? Between you and Bruce, you were always the one that was able to express things the best to your children. So to see you speechless was worrying...Were you thinking of a way to explain that you and Bruce will stay together, not get a divorce, but simply didn’t love each other anymore ? 

Dick could only think of that, as he saw you struggle to find your words. Because if it wasn’t something important, then you wouldn’t find it that hard to say something. He never saw you having that much trouble to say something. This must mean that things were bad between you and Bruce...

Their father was next to you now, looking at you struggle, when he finally helped you out : 

“Your mother was mad because she lost seven times in a row at Uno.” 

Silence. 

None of your children move, and it seems that they all forgot how to breathe. 

Clark, who is also next to all of you (for support), feels like his brain just turned off. 

Wh-What ? 

Silence. 

No one moves, nor speak. 

What did Bruce just say ? 

Silence. Stretching. 

Minutes pass. And no one speaks. Nor move. 

Silence...Heavy, endless. 

It feels like years went by, when :

“What ?” 

Tim finally asks, utterly confused, breaking this odd haze that engulfed all of you for a few minutes, as everyone was trying to wrap their brains around what Bruce just said. 

“Your mother was mad at me because she lost seven times at Uno.” 

“Yeah ok they got it Bruce, you don’t need to repeat how many times I lost !” 

“Just get over it (Y/N) ok ? It’s just a game !”

“Oh ! So it’s conveniently just a game when YOU win huh ? But when I do, then we should have another game !” 

“Oh my God we’re not going to talk more about all that are we ?!”

“Well you know what ? Yes we are ! We are ! Because that was the greatest treason of them all !”

“(Y/N), you’re being ridiculous again, and-”

“YOU PROMISED NOT TO USE YOUR +4 CARDS AND YOU DID ! Worst, you had two of them ! And then you had a reverse card, and then a +2 yellow, and then...You didn’t even give me a chance ! While you said you would !” 

“You were always wining at that game, I had to win at least once !” 

“Oh, so then you proceeded to win SEVEN TIMES IN A ROW with low blow like those huh ? It was sheer dumb luck.” 

“Oh so when I win it’s dumb luck, but when the great (Y/N) Wayne wins it’s strategy ?!” 

“I won’t be called (Y/N) Wayne for long if you keep going on like this, you-”

“STOP !” 

Damian’s scream stopped you and Bruce right in your track, and made you turn to them. Somehow, as you both got fired up about a stupid Uno game, you completely forgot how serious the entire situation was. 

All of a sudden, you’re reminded of it, as your children stare at you, disbelief in their eyes. 

“You guys were...you guys were fighting that bad about a game of Uno ?”

You and Bruce exchange an ashamed look, and your husband says in a weak voice : 

“Not any game of Uno. The ultimate game to decide all game. If I won that last one, it meant I would win forever as we would stop playing Uno and move to another game, and your mother is a sore looser.” 

You don’t even glare at him as he says that, aware that this all situation goes beyond your stupid competitions. But you nonetheless store it in your mind, next time you win at a board game against him, then you’ll throw it back in his face for sure ! 

“Why would you stop pla...wh...HUH ?!” 

Tim was understandably confused. Of course all this would only makes sense to you and Bruce. It was an old tradition between you two, whenever you both couldn’t sleep and were yet too exhausted to make love, you’d play a bored game. Something easy that didn’t require too much brain power. 

It would usually tire you out to the end, and you’d fall asleep playing...however, both you and Bruce could get highly competitive, and more than once you spend entire nights playing and ended up fighting like children. 

Only this always happened very VERY late at night, and rather rarely still, so of course no one witnessed such fights, were you both would blow everything out of proportion (to be honest, it was also kind of part of the game...you both knew you were being ridiculous and extreme, this was part of the fun ! “The make-up sex was always brilliant”. Sometimes, you two had a funny idea of romantic). 

But of course, that, your kids didn’t know. And of course, when Damian heard you yesterday...OF COURSE he would fall on one of your worst fight, as Bruce really DESTROYED you at Uno (sheer dumb luck!). 

You admit you might have gone a bit overboard. But it was because this was suppose to be your last few games of Uno before you’d move on to the next board game ! Of course it would infuriate you that you’d lost all of them ! Even more so since Bruce totally did some jerk moves !

Damian looked at both of you, and all the emotions you read in his eyes made you feel even guiltier. Poor little one, you made him go through so much with your silliness...

“But father looked so sad when you went to sleep in one of the guest room...”

He says, and you can’t help but say : 

“Ah yes, well your father always gets sad when we don’t sleep in the same bed, cause he’s like an attention starved puppy and he-”

“Oh my God stop !”

Dick yells, and he’s clearly FURIOUS. 

“Can’t you see how serious all of this is ? Damian, Tim and Cass have been thinking that you two were going to divorce since last night ?! Do you have any idea how hard this thing has been for them ?! Why would you two put yourself in such a state after playing a damn game of Uno ?! This makes NO SENSE ! You’re ADULTS, why are you like this ?!” 

He rambled for a few more minutes, scolding both you and Bruce about how dumb it was that you’d fight that bad because of this, and you and your husband slowly realized how indeed serious this all was. 

Granted, they could have just come and talk to you, and things would have been cleared up but...no. This was you and Bruce trying to find excuses for yourselves. For acting like petty children. 

Because of course, in your children’s eyes it would seem like a serious real fight. After all, you rarely yelled at each others like that. And yes, you did really get carried away by saying you wanted a divorce, and by going to sleep in another room but...the bastard put a +4 cards while he promised he wouldn’t !  

However, this time all thoughts of this stupid game left your mind (every game you lost was “stupid”, every game you won was “awesome”), as you listened to your son yell at you and Bruce. 

When Dick finally ran out of breath, he fell in a nearby chair and grumbled some more about how ridiculous this all was, but he was also clearly relieved. 

His family wouldn’t break. 

The divorce was a false alarm. Ugh. Sometimes, he forgot that you and Bruce could be extremely petty and childish. Because you were always there, supporting your kids, and seeming so strong...That he forgot that you were also just humans, and had big flaws too. 

Especially when it came to you. He tended to forget your bad sides more than his father’s. After all, Bruce had some pretty obvious flaws. But you ? You were good at hiding them. It was easy to forget how extreme you could be about some things !

Out of breath after yelling so much, Dick just sat there for a bit, beyond relieved even if he was still mad. 

Cass called you both “morons”, which really meant a lot. She was definitely on the same level of anger than Dick was, as she would have never called you that if it wasn’t the case. 

She left the Watchtower hurriedly, and you made a mental note that you and Bruce needed to go see her when you’d get home, and apologies deeply. You hadn’t realized that such a silly thing could be so devastating to your children...

But if they genuinely thought you two were going to divorce, then you could totally understand them. 

Tim went to sit next to Dick, unable to say anything. He wasn’t mad, he was more...utterly stunned by how childish the mighty Batman and his wife could be. This would definitely require a long time to get over. 

But he was most definitely the smartest of them all, as he made a mental note to use this entire event against you one day, if he did something that would get him scolded by both of you. Oh yes. “That time you made all of us think you were gonna divorce” would surely get him out of ANY trouble. 

Damian stared at his parents for a bit, before screaming in rage, surprising everyone, and hitting his father in the guts to then proceed to hug you and him tightly. 

Bruce didn’t even dare to say “why did you only hit me ?!” as he was trying to catch his breath after such a punch, and held his son too, trying to convey his apologies. 

“My poor little baby...” 

You whispered while soothingly running your fingers through your son’s hair, knowing that he always found the gesture calming. Your “poor little baby” was crying softly in your arms, the stress of those past long endless hours of thinking his family was going to break pouring out all at once. 

When he finally calmed down, he tore away from you and said : “you guys are dumb !” before running through the same zeta tube Cassandra went in. You were pretty sure this two would sulk together, which was good...You didn’t particularly want any of them to be alone right now. 

Clark knew you and Bruce couldn’t even think about actually divorcing. You two ? Well he knew it was true love. And though he definitely had his doubts as Damian told him some pretty bad things that happened the night before, and as he saw his friend sad and eating ice cream...Deep down, he knew it wasn’t possible. 

Clark never saw two people as in love as you two were. Not even his love for Loisn which was deep and unconditional, could compare. He knew that. You and Bruce, it was truly meant to be, and it would just have broken his heart if you genuinely would have gotten a divorce ! 

He was so glad it wasn’t true. But was also utterly exasperated by the truth. Who the hell plays Uno in the middle of the night anyway ?! He walked away shaking his head, thinking that you and Bruce would never NEVER ceased to amaze him. 

For better or for worse, really. 

The last one to react was Jason. You and Bruce didn’t dare to leave and do what you had to do in the Watchtower, as you weren’t sure your son, the only one that didn’t react, was ok. 

He just stared at you blankly for long minutes, and you were about to ask him if was alright when he suddenly bursted out laughing. 

Which most definitely took you by surprise. Um...What ?

Jason was laughing out of relief. That the true love he imagined in his head was really existing, and that he could hope for it. But he was also laughing because all of this was just so ridiculous ! 

Him and his siblings had been worried sick, on the verge of breaking from the inside at the mere thought that their parents were going to divorce...And all along it was just them having a fight like five years old would ?

Oh that was just too damn funny ! And so he laughed. He laughed and laughed for a long time. When he finally calmed down, he said : 

“Oh I swear. You guys are too much.” 

You and Bruce weren’t sure how to take this, so you simply smiled at him. Jason, still chuckling a little bit asked : 

“So hey, when I was a kid, and you said I had to go to bed and leave you cause you were going to play monopoly, and I was too young to play such a complicated game...You guys were truly playing monopoly then ?” 

"Uh ? Oh. Monopoly. Yeah, no, we were having sex. Your mom hates monopoly.” 

There’s a few seconds of silence, where Jason stares at you. Dick and Tim, who were still here, give you a “are you fucking kidding me look ?” and Bruce realizes maybe now wasn’t the time to tease them...But you can’t help but smile, and try to muffle your laugh as best you can in front of your sons’ horrified expression. 

And of course, of course Bruce starts to laugh too. Now. IN the worst of moments...You two always laugh at the worst time possible ! Goddamnit ! Your kids were really going to get mad at you for a while, if you kept going like that ! And they would have every reason to ! 

Oh well, for now, you thought it was very funny, how they reacted to the discovery of the fact that “playing monopoly” meant you were having sex. You’d worry later about apologizing. After all, they were already super mad about this entire mess of an event. 

Oh, miscommunication. It was quite a thing really. And as both Bruce and you tried to muffle your laugh, but not very successfully, it was clear that you had made up. 

You hunched over your husband as your fit of laughter was playing around with your balance, and he caught you. And seeing both of you laughing together, and clearly as in love as ever reassured your sons for good. 

But for good measure, they still left and yelled an angry : 

“Ugh, you guys are the worst !” 

As they exited the Watchtower, leaving you and Bruce giggling like teenagers.  

Aaaah. Sometimes, rarely though, you two could be such children. And even if you’d take things MUCH TOO FAR, it was still always refreshing to see the both of you understand each other so fully...

Fin

__________________________________________________

I often talk about how petty and childish my main Batmom can be at times, but I never really wrote anything about it…well here we go. Like I said, there’s a reason why her and Bruce get along so well, they’re both so damn dramatic and reach such extremes at times XD. Anyway, hope you liked this ! (??) I wrote this very quickly, as usual with bonus stories. It was just a little bit of fun, a silly story not to be taken too seriously (she says, as to find an excuse as to why this is so shitty).  As usual, feedbacks and reblogs are very welcomed <3. 

By the way, this was loosely inspired of an ask I received from an anon’, but I didn’t put the ask at the beginning as I usually do because I didn’t want the “twist” to be spoiled. 

[be-the-creature-fan]

The River Part 2 (Read Part 1 first)

(Edit: the full story is in order on my account)

Chapter 5

Chris went to see what gravestone Martin was looking at. It was his.

"N-no, this can't be right, I couldn't have died when I was 4, I had an amazing childhood, most parts were good some were not, I went to school, I learned, I played, I made friends, Me, Martin, Susan and Christine we grew up together, we had many adventures together, I graduated High school and then College, Me and Martin traveled the world together before meeting Aviva, Koki and Jimmy, I got to grow up, I couldn't have died. How did this happen? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!"

Just then Chris saw his Mom grab Martin by the arm. However he couldn't hear or dicifer when was being said, so he followed them, just to see Martin being taken away in the mysterious vehicle. Chris could see the fear on his brother's face as he was being taken away. He also saw the pain in his Mother's eyes.

"Oh Mom please don't cry" Chris tried to say, but all that came out was silence.

After all the commotion was over, and the only person who remained was Linda, Chris followed her back to the place where his tombstone was at. Not one word was spoken as Linda stared at the ground where her son was layed all those years ago.

(Flashback August 1st 1973-Present Day)

It was the day of Chris's funeral. There was a storm that day and as Chris was being buried the rain was just pounding, hard. The funeral had to be speaed up because the storm was getting worse every minute. Life was never the same for the Kratt family, and Linda could see her family falling apart. Bill Kratt feeling like the absolute worst father after the accident became a workaholic. He would spend most every moment at the Harmonica factory rather then at home, sometimes Bill would leave for a uncertain amount of time before showing up unexpectedly looking buzzed but sober,he became too afraid to show love to his children in fear that if he lost another child, he would completely fall apart. Christine and Susan were not sure how to feel because they were both still really little at the time of the accident, but as time went on and they finally grasped the situation they became lost, confused and since they didn't know how to feel they tended to lash out and have angry outbursts because of not knowing how to feel or how to take out the emotions buried deep inside. Linda also had her fair share of problems, she had panic attacks and at times had became suicidal, but she knew that she couldn't do that to her family so she had to just put on a brave face and tried her best to provide for her family. However Martin took Chris's death the hardest. For the most part the Family had moved on with life, but not Martin,at first Linda thought it just took him longer to grieve but Martin just kept getting worse as time went on. Martin would have horrible nightmares almost every night and would scream like a banshee and even when he didn't have nightmares the only thing Martin could see in his dreams was Chris. He would have dreams of the both of them going on adventures looking for animals and grow up together and every time Martin would wake up, he would think that Chris was still alive and would lash out at anyone who told him otherwise. As he grew older Martin became the laughingstock and was labeled as the neighborhood looney. Linda tried to get him the help he needed, but to no avail. In his adult years he became very delusional that's when the doctors told Linda that he had to be sent to the esylem. Many times Martin was able to successfully escape before being caught just a few weeks later and many time he had to change doctors because he was so hard to work with. This was Martin's 15th escape and Dr. Corvado promised that it would be his last.

(Back to Present day)

Linda drove back home and Chris continued to follow her as she drove home. She was greeted to an empty household, as usual. She was at a point where she was just to tired to remember the moment where her family fell apart. Just the Bill came home from work.

"Hello Dear, how was work today?"

"Same as usual Hon, just plain awful"

"Bill, Do you think it's time for you to retire?"

"Nonsense, I have plenty of time to keep working before I think about retirement"

"But Bill, you are in your 90's, you are the oldest person at your job, and you feel absolutely miserable all the time at your work"

"But I'll feel worse if I don't work, that's all I'm good for, working is the only thing that makes me feels alive, the only thing that's keeping me sane, the only thing that doesn't remind me of that awful accide-"

Linda started to cry

"Oh Linda p-please don't cry I-I'm sorry please forget I mentioned it"

"Why did it have to end this way Bill?"

Chris stood there unable to do anything, he silently cried wishing that this was a bad dream and that he could wake up from this awful nightmare, but he could not.

Chapter 6

(With Martin and Jimmy)

A few days had gone by since they overheard Aviva mention the Time Machine to a coworker, and since then they have been working on a plan to get out so they can fix what had already been broken and bring Chris back.

"Ok so what you're saying is that next time the guards come to our cell, we try to over power them, steal their uniform and then try to find where Aviva hid the time machine?" Jimmy asked

"Yea, any questions, concerns?" Martin said

"Nope this seems like the perfect plan let's do it!"

So, Martin and Jimmy started the plan by yelling at each other to convince the guards that a fight might break out in their cell. And just like they planned, two guards rushed in the cell before being over powered and knocked unconscious. With that Martin and Jimmy were able to take the uniform and wear it despite it being a little too big. They soon made there way to Aviva's office where a Time Machine was hidden behind a thick black curtain.

"So are you ready to, Rewrite History?" Jimmy said trying to sound cool until he saw the concernlook on Martin's face. "Oh uh sorry Martin It sounded cooler in my head"

Suddenly the sound of fast approaching footsteps echoed in the hallway.

"STOP! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE" Aviva shouted

"Hurry Jimmy!" Martin screamed

Jimmy and Martin quickly scurried into the Time Machine.

"Now what?" Jimmy asked

Martin sighed, "We both gave to go back to where this mess all happened"

"You mean when Chris jumped into the Time Trampoline?"

"No, that took place in the timeline where Chris was alive, we have to go back to......to...." Martin began to tear up, and Aviva was getting closer to them.

"Martin! What Time?!"

"We have to go back to July 20th 1973"

Chapter 7

(Back with Chris)

As Chris was coming to the realization of not existing, he felt like he was getting pulled back. His surroundings seemed to move at the speed of light as he was moving in slow motion. "How did this happen to me? What went wrong?" Chris thought to himself. As he started to remember his life, He found himself where everything went wrong the moment that would change his life forever.

(July 20th 1973)

Martin and Jimmy barly made it to the space time continuum but they both found themselves on the same camp grounds where Martin would spend his summers as a child.

"Well here we are" Martin said rather depressed. He did not want to return to this memory and just the thought of having to go through it again made him hesitant to continue with his plan, "what if this doesn't change anything, what if it makes things worse?" Martin thought to himself

"Martin, dont worry things will get back to normal" Jimmy said.

"I sure hope so Jimmy, I sure hope so"

(Back with Chris)

After wandering around aimlessly, Chris found himself back at the River where he drowned all those years ago. Just then in the distance, Chris heard a cry for help.

"MARTIN! HELP ME! MOMMA! PAPA! SAVE ME!" Young Chris yelled.

Chris went to his younger self's aid, however he couldn't physically pull him out of the water the only thing he could do was tell him to hold on.

Martin and Jimmy could also hear young Chris's cries for help.

"Jimmy! Hurry up, I can't mess up again, we have to save him!"

Martin and Jimmy ran to where the river was, and at first they spotted nothing until not to far from them a tiny hand burst from the water. Without hesitation Martin grabbed Young Chris's hand and pulled him from the water onto shore. Chris who saw the whole thing unfold felt the rush of life brought back into him.

"Thanks Martin" Chris said as a flash of light came upon him.

Martin and Jimmy saw the same light and in a flash they found themselves back in the Tortuga with the rest of the crew with Zach nowhere to be seen "Koki!" Jimmy shouted as he ran towards her.

"Oh hey Jimmy what's up" Koki said confused not knowing what went down.

"Koki, for the longest time I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, how much you make my heart spark with joy everytime you're around." Jimmy said trying to sound romantic.

"Aww that's so sweet, but why are you telling me this?" Koki asked

"Well... its because I love you Koki"

"Oh Jimmy! I love you too!"

The two embraced eachother as the rest of the crew watched. Martin was happy for Jimmy as for Aviva and Chris, they were both confused.

"Ummm hey Chris, Martin? Are you ready to try out the Time Trampoline? Aviva asked.

"Wait the what?" Martin asked all shocked.

"The Time Trampoline Martin, Aviva just told us that it can go all the way back to the time of the Dinosaurs" Chris said confused not remembering anything that happened.

Martin looked at at his calendar and sure enough it was reset to the day where all of the craziness began.

"Wait before we go" Martin said while walking to where Zach was hiding "I have to take care of business" Martin then grabbed Zach by his invisibility cloak.

"W-what how did you find me?!" Zach said in shock.

"Pure Luck, NOW GET OUT OF HERE ZACH!" Martin said in a loud stern voice.

"I'll get you next time you Wild Rats"

That's Wild Kratts! The WK Crew said as Zach scampered off.

"Hey Chris I'm glad you're here" Martin said

"Me too Martin, Me too."

THE END

[crestomanci]

Synopsis

             “The Lost Princess” follows the story of Nick Sullivan, a girl that finds out, on her sixteenth birthday, that she is the daughter of a queen and is summoned to ascend to the throne as the princess of Combellmont island. She initiates, then, a difficult and dangerous journey that could put not only her life at risk as everyone’s she loves.

Chapter 1

           What do I know about my mom? What a tough question. Besides all the biological processes I’ve learned in school, like genetics and stuff, I only know some physical characteristics: she was tall, the prettiest lady my father has ever known, and she smelled like mint. And that’s all I know because whenever I talked about her, my father always was already drunk and I needed to help him out and take him from his armchair to his bed.

           I’ve never tried to pressure him in order to get information, though, since he always looked so ashamed of himself the next morning and I didn’t want to make him feel sad… Or make me sad. After all, the feelings I’ve grown towards my mom were migrating between sadness and anger. How could someone leave their child with some guy she’d only met once and then never tries to keep in touch? Okay, I was lucky enough that my dad was a cool guy and took me in, but this doesn’t make her less guilty at all.

           I wonder if she ever wanted to know where her daughter could be for these past 15 years. If she has ever asked herself if I was okay, if I went to school, if my dad treated me nicely… Nothing? Then, after a while, I started to believe that she never loved me. That I was a mistake she made during a U2 concert after tons of beer and that I didn’t matter to her.

I got up from my bed and decided not to think about her. The less I knew, the less it would hurt, and today I was supposed to be happy, right? Because it was my sixteenth birthday. “Happy Birthday, Nick”, I said to myself. My dad was surely still asleep and I would only see him at night.

           “Oh, crap!” twenty minutes late meant that I was late to school and this would be my third time this month. I ran as fast as I could and was able to catch the bus. Luckly, the driver was George and he always stopped for me, even when I was running late.

           “Andy again, Nick?” he asked.

           I nodded, not wanting to talk about it. Third delay of the month… This would make me stay in school after class and then I would be late for work at Tiffany&Thommy, which would not please Miss Picket. Will “I’m so so sorry, but today is my birthday and everything is nuts” work as an excuse? No. Everyone in town knew me and my dad, so it was known that whenever I was late it was because of him.

           George offered me a little red box with a white bow wrapping it around and a tiny card. “Hey, you didn’t think I'd forget, did you?”

           “George, you shouldn’t have! Thanks” I thanked and my cheeks turned red while I was getting the present, in a mist of hurry and happiness (after all, I was already late and he had taken his time to hand in the present despite knowing everyone was waiting to carry on the trip!).

           “That’s nothing, Nick. Tomorrow, tell me if you liked it. Have a great day and a happy birthday!”

           I thanked again while I started to look for a seat. The real bus to Abeley High School was deactivated because no one used it. Most of the students didn’t need to use public transportation since they had their own cars or chauffeurs, and so every single day I had to take the only bus that drove all the way to my school, when, in reality, it dropped me off two blocks away.  After spending a whole life in Abeley, I was already used to it, but I wished - as if I was about to blow my birthday cake candles - this year I’d get a car. Or that at least my dad would accept that I should start to study at the school he now works at.

I got up when we were getting closer to the stop and hurried up while going down the stairs, and ran to school.

Yeah, I was definitely late. And obviously I had to face Mr. William, after going to the principal’s office. I smiled bluntly, and then tried to sneak into his class.

“Oh, Nicolle! I can’t believe someone hasn’t given you a clock yet. I mean, we have been starting the classes at the same time since 1864, and yet…”

           I heard my entire class smothering a laughter as I gave Mr. William the piece of paper that allowed me to take his class, which was prior given to me by the principal, and, then, I went to my desk.

           Today’s history class was about smaller islands and countries all over the world. Internally, I kept telling myself that there was no use to learning all of that, once we lived in a small city closer to New York, so that subject should have been self-explanatory to us and, even though Abeley should be a school for rich people, the greatest part of us, including me, would never travel abroad. Like ever. Let alone stepping on a small island somewhere that was probably built to make money from tourists. Whatever. Mr. William had already had his moment of glory today and I didn’t need a lecture anyways, so I decided to loosen my hair and put on my earphones again, as I kept pretending that I was paying attention.

           Everyone’s goal in Abeley was to get into an Ivy League and, for the unlucky ones like me, the ultimate goal was to get a scholarship or a way out of this town. It felt weird not knowing what to do or what I’d like to become, but when people ask me about what I would like to be when I grow up, I used to lie and say I’d like to become a lawyer. Knowing my dad’s behavior, it would make total sense and that was enough to get me out of that subject during conversations, after being told that I should “hang in there” in order to become what I used to say.

           The truth was that it would be enough if I turned eighteen and convinced my father that we should leave this town or state. To build a new life in which we weren’t pity case or a subject to gossip spreaders.

           Tiffany&Thommy was a library and bookstore two blocks away from my school. It used to be owned by two brothers who have lived here since the city was founded, and I was a part-timer there. After Mr. Thommy Picket’s death, his sister needed help and I offered myself, as I needed money because my dad’s salary as a Spanish teacher was not something we could brag about.

           I apologized for being late to Miss Picket and she (with her always pleasing humor) told me to find my computer and sit down before her nephew could find the cash register and steal everything they’ve made so far, like he did last month,

           “Good evening, Nick. Are you early again?” I hear Rupert saying with his annoying British accent. He was sitting on my chair, staring at me with his weird brown eyes and dark hair.

           “Yes, Rupert. And thank you for keeping my seat warm. Now you can go.” The best solution with him was to use irony and sarcasm. After all, wanting or not, he was the future owner of that store and his aunt wasn’t looking that good anyway.

           “I don’t know why my aunt keeps you here. Or why did she hire you in the first place.”

           “Your aunt knows me since I was born, we live in the same neighborhood and she trusts me.” I was as rough as possible and then started to browse through the record book on the decrepit computer.

           He kept there, looking at what I was doing, as he was laying on the counter. I waited until he left for five minutes, but I was never known for my patience.

           “So? Do you want a book or something?” I asked, trying to smile.

           “Not really.” he replied and kept staring at me. Then, he nodded and left.

           I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, while I watched him leave.

           On my way home, I decided to open the present given by George when I was already on the bus. It was a little pendant shaped like a heart. Those in which you can put a picture on both sides. I loved it. I’m going to choose a picture of me and my dad, I thought as I got off the bus.

The weather was terrible as always and the fog made me put on my hood. When I was close to my building, I saw a man wearing a suit leaving and getting in a luxury black car that was parked on the other side of the street. I had no idea someone in town had something to do with the White House, I thought, trying not to laugh as I passed by the lobby.

The elevator was, once again, being fixed and it would take at least forty-eight hours return, so I went up the stairs hearing some of my neighbors complaining about the elevator like that would fix it faster.

After finding my keys, I saw my dad sitting on his armchair that, this time, was facing the door. He looked more tired and sadder than usual and was holding a letter.

“Dad?” I called, leaving my backpack in the hall and getting closer to him.

“Oh, Nick, you’re here” he answered and I could see that his eyes looked swollen and red. He has cried. I sighed and looked at the table, but I didn’t see any beer bottles there.

“What happened?”

“I need to talk to you. And I ordered pizza, so you don’t need to cook today. Change your clothes and take a bath, I know you must be tired.”

“That’s okay, dad. I’m fine” I claimed, feeling a little bit afraid.

He didn’t say anything else, just stood up and went to his room. I kept staring at him while he closed the door.

Ordering pizza on my birthday was almost a habit, but the conversation part… I started to bite my upper lip and picked up my backpack on the floor, but refused to take a bath. I felt nervous and anxious and waited to hear if his bedroom door would open so that I could leave mine.

When I left, he was in the living room. He had opened and served himself with a pizza slice and soda. He looked a little better as he smiled, so I sat down.

“Happy birthday, kiddo.” It was all he said, giving me a sad smile. We started to eat after that.

After I finished, I felt like something bad was about to happen and I realized he was looking at me, God knows for how long, and that the letter he was previously holding was still there, in his hand. I stopped and looked at him, wanting to know for how long he would stare without saying anything.

A couple minutes had passed, but it felt like an eternity to me. Then, he finally started:

“Nick, did I talk about your mom yesterday?”

I took a deep breath and felt a little bit relieved to realize that it wasn’t something that important after all. I was used to that kind of conversation, even though it made me sad, since he usually stood up for her in the end.

“Yes, dad, but just the usual, you know, blond, tall, smelled like mint” I remembered while I was taking my dish and got up.

“Nicolle, sit down, please” he stared at me with his blue eyes and it looked like it was an order.

I had no idea what was going on, but if it was serious enough for my dad to boss me around…

“Okay.” I agreed, sitting down again.

He looked like he was trying to control himself so that he could continue his speech.

“Nick, you know your mom handed you in when you were only six months, right?” he asked and I nodded, leaning on the couch. “Child, what I have to say is serious and I need you to handle it until the very end.”

He paused. The pizza I ate started to move around in my stomach, bothering me.

“Your mom didn’t leave you here because she wanted to, but because she needed to keep you away from the place she lived in. She had to leave you here, with me, so that I could take care of you and make you a good person. When I met her, we spent the whole week together. She told me about her world and I realized it wasn’t easy. Our story wasn’t just a concert and a single night, and I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner. Actually, I’m sorry about everything I have to tell you today… You can’t imagine how much it hurts to tell everything like this. But the point is: she loved you, as much as I do love you. And last week, I discovered that unfortunately your mom has passed away.” He told me with every strength he had, even though he let some tears roll down his cheeks, which he cleaned fast. Then, he took a box from the table, one I haven’t seen before, opened it and showed me everything that was inside.

“I thought that it wasn't a good idea to tell you, dear. You always seemed hurt about your mom, but, then, today I received a message and now I have no other choice but to tell you the truth. The man that came here earlier wanted to wait for you, but I begged him to let me speak with you first. I needed to tell you the whole story. You’ve probably already studied about Europe and must know that there are a lot of small countries there. Your mom lived in one of those countries. Actually, your mom ruled one of them. When I met her, she had just received a convocation to claim the throne of Combellmont and, like any 18-year-old girl, she wanted… An adventure before her real life began. Like in the romances she used to read.

“We met when I went to live in New York. She came on a trip, running away from her hotel, and we met in the middle of Central Park. It was love at first sight and we had the best week in the world. Nine days, to be exact, but she always needed to go back and sleep at the hotel, so I left her on the street corner so that the guard that escorted her would be aware of me. Until the last day, when her sister saw and denounced us. She was grounded after that and I got beaten up by her guards. And well, I thought I’d never see her again, so needless to say it was a surprise when she came back, fifteen months later, knocking on my old Brooklyn apartment with you in her arms. She asked me to take care of you, keeping you safe and sound, away from her world. She asked me to give you a normal life until the day she would come back and explain everything. That she would do it once you turned 18… I wished she had time to do that…

“Ever since, I could only watch you grow and kept collecting everything that I saw about her. Her marriage with an ambassador that was twice her age, her coronation as queen, the birth to her first child for the media, the death of her husband and, most recently, her own death, not long after giving birth to her second child. Oh, Nick, I would have loved to tell you all of this at the right time, but it so happens that you need to know it now. This afternoon, your mom’s kingdom counselor came in and brought this letter to you. You see: with her death, it would be pleasing if her oldest royal child ascended to the throne, but she’s only a kid! And as you are, in fact, the oldest of them all… They demand you there for some kind of training. And, being crystal clear: you are obligated to do this, or they will appeal to judicial measures to make you do it anyway. They can even take you by force, Nick.”            After hearing all of that, I ran to the bathroom. My head was spinning, my face was wet with sweat and tears, and I wanted to throw up every slice of pizza I ate. My dad didn’t even dare to chase me, he just let me go.

I was overwhelmed, to say the least. My head was exploding with the wave of information I’ve received and I’ve never been so shocked in my entire life. I don’t know how long I’ve stayed there, hiding, puking, crying. I was hugging my knees against my chest, just hearing my heartbeats. How come my life turned upside down in less than one hour? My mom, a queen. Country, children, baby, my dad, kingdom… Those words were spinning in my head and making me dizzy. How come my father hid everything from me? How come my mom found it better that way? And, mainly, what was I supposed to do now? I had no clue how someone could actually obligate me to do something, after all, besides taking care of my father and the house, I’ve never had to lead, or been a leader.

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/romance/748079?utm_source=shared_web 

https://www.wattpad.com/story/274223573-the-lost-princess 

[the-weeping-author]

Goodbye.

A/N: hi I hope you guys like this it was a request I had so This is based around when billy was in the car in the parking lot of the mall. I hope y’all know what I’m talking about lol but yeah please enjoy this my request are open so please request.

This was requested by @lyniboy

Request: Hey, so I saw your prompt list, could you write something with Steve and “What are you doing here? It’s too dangerous!” I didn’t really have an idea for a setting so I figured I’d leave that up to you ^-^

Warnings: cussing, angst. That should be it.

Parings: Steve Harrington x reader

Tag list: @ahoy-stevieboy @thehair-ington @galactic-kitten-nonsense @linkispink1995 @theworldisugly-22 @harringtown @phoebethepheebs @spiritsent @gardeniasandwhiskey @lxvesickreality @bluebellbrooke @harrington-ofhawkins

Please enjoy 😌

It was a beautiful Saturday night, I was stuck home because of my boyfriend Steve Harrington. I’m not going to lie I was pissed at him. I'm kinda glad he hasn’t showed up yet because I would be kicking his ass.

He’s never been reluctant about spending time with me especially if it was for a date. So here I was sitting in bed listening to my Madonna record wallowing in self pity.

The self pity turned into anger so I hopped out of bed, put on my shoes then headed out my door. The stars stopped me in my tracks.

I looked up at them, they added fuel to my fire. They were as pure as driven snow, I knew it would have been a romantic night if Steve and I had gone to the drive in.

The millions of negative conclusions ran through my head on why Steve had ditched our date. The first was obviously cheating, but he had no reason to cheat on me as I knew of, but who knew.

I climbed into my 1973 Jeep commando, starting the car. My mom was out of town for a business meeting so I didn’t have to worry about her asking me fifty questions.

I drove down my street out of my neighborhood turning onto the main road, headed to steve's house. When I got there his car wasn’t there, my eyes narrowed then I scoffed.

“Your so dumb Y/N why would be here?”

I thought to myself as my grip tightened around my steering wheel.

I turned on the radio hoping it would help but it didn’t, the radio played songs Steve and I had heard while on dates or dancing together in mine or his room practicing for a stupid dance.

A stray tear fell down my cheek, I let it slide down my cheek. It was okay to cry alone, not showing anyone any emotion. I pulled over, turning my car off letting out a sigh talking out loud to myself.

“I have no idea where he would be.”

I bit my lip trying so hard to think, then it finally dawned on me.

“The mall, I swear sometimes Y/N you don’t have a brain.”

I turned my car back on then put it in drive heading towards the mall which was across town. After getting halfway there I had no idea what I would say to him.

I definitely shouldn’t go start throwing accusations at him, but he had a lot of explaining to do. I saw the mall sign come into view and I felt a knot in my stomach.

“What if he was here with a girl?”

I thought to myself while I gripped the steering wheel again, I sighed.

“Y/N why are you being jealous? You’ve never been jealous before so what makes this time so different?”

I thought out loud while I pulled into the side entrance of the mall, I stopped the car at the view I saw. There was Nancy along with Johnathan standing outside of his car.

My eyebrows raised in confusion, then I saw headlights shine on them. My eyes traveled to the car that was beaming their lights at them, when I saw who was in the driver seat my eyes widened a bit.

“Billy mother fucking Hargrove.”

My eyes narrowed seeing him, I put my hand back on the steering wheel then I put my car in drive. I watched waiting for billy to make a move, I started to have doubts.

He wouldn’t really try to hit them would he? I sighed leaning my head back against my set

“what do I even have to do with this I’m looking for Steve.”

As soon as that thought crossed my mind I saw poofy hair through the back window along next to a girl with dirty blonde hair.

I felt jealousy flow through my veins, before I knew it billy was heading towards the car. I slammed on the gas. Flying through the parking lot, as soon as Nancy buried her face into Johnathan I hit Billy’s car. I sat there in shock, my windshield had a few cracks in it.

Nancy ran over to my Jeep, opened the driver door.

“Oh my god Y/N thank you, are you okay?”

I looked at her nodding to her.

“I-I think so.”

She looked me over like a mother would a three year old child.

“What are you doing here?”

I went to reply but Steve interrupted us.

“Y/N what are you doing here?”

I looked at him, my eyes widened a bit seeing his bloody swollen face. He reached out to touch me, when he did I pulled away.

“I came looking for you but I think I’ve seen enough to know what I have to do.

“Y/N what do you mean let’s talk later it’s too dangerous to talk here.”

I looked at him, hurt struck my heart like a snake attacking its prey.

“Actually Steve I’m good, we don’t have to talk later have fun with the girl.”

Before he could answer Nancy cut into our conversation.

“Y/N it’s not-.”

“Of course you’d stick up for him, I gotta go I’ve wasted enough of my time goodbye Steve.”

With that being said I turned around and started walking home. I didn’t look back despite Steve calling after me.

When I got home I cried, convincing myself that this was best despite how my heart felt. I was tired of the secrecy, the lies and the hiding. I loved Steve but was that enough anymore?

A/N: if you guys want a part 2 just let me know, if you want to be added to my tag list let me know, Chapter 3 of Hate To Love should be out soon. Sorry if this was sad. If y’all want part 2 to be fluffy just let me know. ~Destiny ❤️

[fictionalarsonist]

exo_baekhyun | Hoax pt.10

Hoax_ to trick into believing or accepting as genuine something false and often preposterous.

Requested by anon

pairing: baekhyun ⨯ reader ⨯ chanyeol feat. jongdae, minseok, suho, sehun content: angst, fluff, slice of life, gang au, high school au, some mature language, smoking, pinning, drinking, violence, blood, cheating rating: PG-13 type: fanfic, series word count: 2.9K

⁎ ⁎ ⁎

… As it has been said in a song series 04. “Well, isn’t this exactly where you like me? I am exactly where you like me, you know” - But It’s Better If You Do - P!atD

「 mobile m.list | desktop m.list | ask/request 」

[ part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 ]

“I’m sorry”, your voice echoed in Baekhyun’s mind as he drove. To nowhere, he never wants to get anywhere, just- he just felt like running away, so maybe he’d make up his mind about you, about himself. What kind of person he became, all of a sudden, for you. Not that he ever strived to be like that, he just couldn’t help himself.

Now, he has to make up his mind and if you’re not gonna let go of him. Maybe he has to do this himself. It’d be the best. When you leave for college, he’s gotta stay. He’ll take the old man Kim business and make the best out of it. You’re not part of the equation in this, you’ll get hurt- or worse. Baekhyun can’t afford having you hurt because of what he decided to be when you tried to make something better out of him.

When Baekhyun pulls over, he’s not quite sure where he is, but when he comes to it, he looks around and finds himself in his old neighborhood. Where he was raised, when Mr. Kim was just a nice single-man next door, Suho’s dad. Back then, he wasn’t wasn’t a complete self-centered jerk. They were friends. The six of them, Jongdae, Minseok, Suho, Yixing, Baekhyun himself and... Chanyeol too.

>

But- That’s when Chanyeol was his closest friend, even more than Jongdae. Back then, he wasn’t the worthless bastard who belonged to a family of gangster, people believed he could’ve done well. Baekhyun could handle anyone. There’s so many guys you could choose, Baekhyun would’ve accepted better - or, at least, he likes to think he would. Just not Chanyeol, it’s been enough to pretend Chanyeol’s nothing a classmate and now he has to see you with him, being happy as he wishes he could make you.

Baekhyun tried before, he tried convincing himself to stop this relationship or whatever anyone would call it. Whatever you call it. He sincerely thought it’d be better for you to find someone who could make you happy without having to walk hidden in shadows and corners here and there, but, he knows, he’s too selfish. Maybe as much as you’re being, maybe more because this isn’t him just accepting what you want, this is him not being able to say no because he just can’t let go.

The sound of the keys and the wooden door opening calls Baekhyun attention and he turns his head to see Chanyeol walking in the old house he moved from, the house the six boys use to cause trouble before being called for lunch or dinner, being called out to sit down and study first before playing outside. Chanyeol’s eyes find his, staring from inside the car, somehow and he stops right before going in the house.

Baekhyn can almost see the wheels turning in Chanyeol’s head, but he can’t get himself to do anything about it. He could always simply drive away. Finally, he sees Chanyeol sighing heavily and pulling the door closed.

‘Please, don’t.’ Baekhyun thinks to himself, feeling his body tensing, ‘Just pretend you didn’t see me.’ , Baekhyun pleads, hands clenching on the steering wheel, ‘Just go home and ignore me, Why are you such a-’ 

“What a dumb bastard!” Baekhyun grumply murmurs to himself as he sees Chanyeol approaching him directly.

Baekhyun sighs once again and forces himself off his Baby . Chanyeol’s still in his school uniform, hands stuck in the front pockets of his jacket, he looks nothing but what a high-achieving high schooler would look. ‘The bastard is even good looking and charming’, Baekhyun thinks to himself with a hidden laughter, ‘He suits her’, he adds bitterly to himself soon after.

“It’s been a while.” Chanyeol says awkwardly when he stops. Baekhyun hums and nods positively as he leans on his car.

Baekhyun sees Chanyeol gathering breath, as if he’d say something, but then he just exhales at once, looking away and hisses to himself.

“What?” Baekhyun asks, crooking his head to the side and Chanyeol looks back at him.

“Nothing” Chanyeol replies at first and there’s a pause and Baekhyun allows it because Chanyeol seems to have words stuck in his throat, whatever they are. He’d like to hear it, “Just-”

‘Ah~ There they are-’ Baekyun thinks to himself as Chanyeol starts.

“When-” Chanyeol exhales again in frustration and takes a step closer, hesitantly, “You know, when I got back and saw you in class I thought, ‘well, maybe we could be friends again’ . But, if I tried to get any closer you just disappeared, everyday. You just disappeared from the classroom.”

Baekhyun would keep this secret that’s now dear to him as much as it was back then. He disappeared to meet you, he was always so eager to embrace you. Still is.

“All you do is using Mr. Kim’s fame as a gangster to push people away?”

“This time it’s true, though” Baekhyun says simply.

“Oh, so- You couldn’t even say hello. Just once?”

“What for? Because we played together when we were kids?” Baekhyun scoffs, shaking his head, “All it’d do is earn you a bad reputation and side-glares for talking to me”, Baekhyun says calmly, “As soon as they heard we used to be close you’d go from top student to gangster minion like this! ” Baekhyun snaps his fingers.

“Oh, I see” Chanyeol laughs to himself, “And here I thought we could still be friends. I’m just that stupid”

“You are.”

Chanyeol hums in reply and takes another step closer and now they’re way too close, so Baekhyun chuckles.

“What’s wrong with the distance we had a moment ago.” Baekhyun mocks, “You miss me so much that you need to take a better look?” He says playfully, mannering his head as if to give Chanyeol a better angle to take a picture, “You’re talking to me now. Is that anything you’d like to say?”

“Yes” Chanyeol replies readily, “There were some things I wanted to tell you. I wanted us to talk about many things, but now- Now! There’s just one thing that I need to ask.”

“What is it?” Baekhyun asked even though he could tell his old friend’s eyes what would it be, so he ready himself to how the question would come along.

“Y/n” Chanyeol started, not knowing how else to do so and licks his lips, uncertain of how to go on, “About Y/n. Actually, this is backwards-”, Chanyeol says the second part more to himself than to Baekhyun and the later waits, “You made a mess in school today. I heard them saying you could get kicked out and we’re almost graduating. So why? Why did you do all of that for Y/n? What’s so wrong about Y/n and I being a couple? Why can’t it be true? Do you like her?”

The words just poured out of Chanyeol’s lips and by the end his eyes prickled with hidden tears, he just didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place. When someone rushed to him to say what was going on he rushed to see what really was it about, then he heard Baekhyun and the desperation, and anger in his friend’s voice pained him somehow in more than one way. He still can’t understand, he can’t grasp, but he knows he didn’t like the fact that Baekhyun just couldn’t like you as someone started gossiping. 

Chanyeol’s last question lingers in the air, tasting bitter on his own tongue as he runs out of breath to speak anymore. Chanyeol likes you- a lot , it’s different than any other times he liked anyone else and he doesn’t want to face anyone who seems willing to have you too. He’s not sure if he’s a coward, maybe he’s unsure of himself. Should he tell you how much he likes you already, the two of you seemed to be moving slowly, you seem to enjoy doing so, but maybe he should pick up a certain pace. Baekhyun isn’t someone to just take things slow, that much Chanyeol’s certain.

Baekhyun stops himself from frowning or exposing how he can read Chanyeol’s thoughts in his expression. Chanyeol just doesn’t change, as he thought. Pulling himself away from the car, Baekhyun straightens his body only making all the more obvious how small he is compared to Chanyeol, thankfully he’s standing on a slightly higher side of the hill. Which is almost nothing, but at least something . Like what you give him.

Once again Baekhyun considers just saying it all. Taking you for himself and get this over with. He’d do whatever it takes to keep you safe, so what’s the matter. It’s just a matter of seconds when a movie goes before his eyes where he can take you with him and everything will work out like a miraculous magic trick. He can do anything as long as you’re there, so why not?

“Yes” Baekhyun replies and Chanyeol breathe is caught in his throat, “I like Y/n”, Baekhyun adds, watching Chanyeol hiccups and step back, much to his pleasure.

Should he say it all now, then. When Chanyeol looks like lost, hurt puppy, eyes wandering everywhere but him.

“I think I should have her instead of you” Baekhyun says boldly, watching Chanyeol look at him with wide eyes, “I got a bastard in my family instead of you. Mr. Kim married my mom instead of yours, so… I got the weak end of the rope on that, so- Just think of Y/n as compensation.” Bekhyun tries sounding as emotionless as he can while Chanyeol watches him in disbelief, “She’ll be the good thing you own me. We’ll be even then”

“Baekhyun, you-” Chanyeol is cut by his own breathless state and as soon as he recoverse he chuckles pathetically, “Who do you think you are to demand to have a person as compensation? You’re just some high schooler! Are you crazy?”

“Some high-schooler” Baekhyun mocks with a sick grin prying his lips, before laughing loudly to himself. Chanyeol looks around, startled and sees a few lights in the neighborhood light up.

“Are you crazy? It’s late! You're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood.”

“Why? Afraid to be seen with a gangster?”Baekhyun asks, “Look closely, Yeol! At us! You and me.” Baekhyun mentions to Chanyeol and then his own self, pulling on Chanyeol’s uniform, before tugging on his long coat, the clothes fit him, but they are way too unfitting for a kid his age and Baekhyun knows it well, “ You’re the high-schooler here. I’m a real gangster. Mr. Kim- Ah, no! Dad is giving me a lot of confidence lately, there’s nothing I can’t do~”

“So?” Chanyeol asks, trying to look at Baekhyun’s eyes, “You wanna treat Y/n like Mr. Kim treats the people he used to play around with before discarding like trash? Is that it?”

“I told you, didn’t I?” Baekhyun insists, “I like Y/n.” He says more clearly this time, “If you don’t have the confidence, then just let me have what I deserve.”

Baekhyun pulled the car’s door open and hopped inside. He couldn’t say it afterall, that’s all Baekhyun could think as he watched Chanyeol become smaller as he drove away. It’s better this way, he thinks. Chanyeol watched him drive by with a heavy heart. If only the year just ended and you and him could take off to college right away. Away from Baekhyun.

⇽ part 9 | part 11

[itsacomplimentiswear]

The Story

Well i haven't posted here in years but this seems like the best place to put this first. Tumblr was the first place I ever felt comfortable enough to be honest about myself and my past so it just seems fitting.

TRIGGER WARNINGS

Sexual abuse, self harm, eating disorders

The first time I kissed a boy I was 5. Now that might not seem weird because little kids kiss each other. They turn it into games and adults watch on and say how sweet and cute it is that little boys and girls run around chasing each other trying to kiss. Well I was 5 and he was 11. This was also turned into games. We would playhouse and hide and seek. We would build forts and go on adventures and no one thought it was weird that an 11 year old boy spent so much time with a 5 year old girl. "They’re like siblings," they said. "Well he's protective of her, she's like his sister." They claimed.

 What was really going on was the over sexualization of a child. What I didn’t know at the time was I was being molested. This continued for years. kisses, some touching of places that no child should be touched or should be touching. I thought I loved him. I thought that's what love was and for years and years I was obsessed with him. He was like family but what others saw as sibling love I saw as much more. He was my best friend, my partner in crime.

 I was never scared. I never felt uncomfortable. I never thought to tell anyone because at that point I was already fantastic at keeping secrets I thought might change my life. I never thought anything was wrong with what we were doing. That’s what boys and girls do when they like each other right?

 When I was 6, I remember being in the very back of my mom’s Isuzu with the boy and another kid that was the son of a neighbor. I don’t remember where we were going or why the 3 of us were in the trunk. I remember the 2nd boy asking me if I had ever put my mouth on a boy’s penis. I hadn’t and I told him so. Somehow, they convinced me that I should try it. I didn’t want to, it seemed weird to me. What me and the first boy had was special and I didn't want to touch anyone else. But he told me that this is what friends do. So, I did for just a second. I remember the three of us laughing. I knew that boy for a couple more years, hanging out, going to birthday parties. But nothing like that ever happened again and then the next thing I knew the boy was gone.

 I developed pretty early on in life. I would have boys’ comment about my body and ask me to do things to them at a young age. I was 9 the first time a boy saw me with my pants off. He was a 13 year old from the neighborhood that I hung out with a lot and one day we were in my room. Now my parents weren't home, and he had convinced me that I should have sex with him. I don't remember wanting to, but friends were important to me and he told me that this is what friends do. I tried to avoid it for as long as I could but somehow, he had convinced me that it was happening. He never put his hands on me. He never physically forced me to do anything. I felt like I had to. To keep my friend and so that people would like me.

 I remember being terrified. I didn't want to do it but there were a lot of things I had done in my life that I didn't want to do that I had done. At 9 years old I thought to myself well it’s better to try and tell myself that I want it rather than fight against it and be traumatized from it. What kind of 9 year old thinks like that? By the grace of whatever higher power is out there just as he laid on top of me my dad came into my room. I was even more scared because all I could think was that my dad is going to kill him and then he will go to jail and then he will be gone forever.

 I don't remember much after that. I remember my dad yelling and dragging me into my parents’ bedroom where he proceeded to beat the ever-living shit out of me. I remember crying but not saying anything. I remember sitting in our living room afterwards watching TV. I remember my dad crying for hours and then days after. My father had never laid a hand on me. Not even a slap on the mouth or butt when I misbehaved, even though I never really misbehaved. I don’t remember the boy leaving. To this day 20 years later we have never spoken about what happened. I never talked about it. No questions were asked, and I was grateful for that. I don’t remember ever seeing the boy after that.

 Now on and off the first boy would come back into my life. Things would go back to the way they were, the kissing and the touching and inappropriate conversations and then he would be gone again, and I would miss him.

 During these times I would be put in a lot of situations where I didn’t feel safe. My parents did a lot of drugs when I was younger and my mom would go to Asbury Park or Newark to get them and I knew what she was doing and I was always scared for her so I would beg and beg to go with her even though I knew it might be scary. It was just the thought of something happening to her and me not being there was worse so I would cry and cry until she took me with her. I lost count of the amount of times an adult male looked at me in such a way that I would want to throw up or poop my pants. I may not have known what they were thinking but my stomach always knew that I didn't like it. I always felt dirty.

 Now I had crushes on boys just like any young girl, but I never thought I was good enough for them, so I never acted on it. All my friends that were girls were so much prettier than me. They seemed so much more mature and desirable even though they were only a year older. It was during this time that I first started feeling ugly. Like other people had something that I didn’t. That I didn't deserve or couldn't have certain things because of the way I looked and the secrets I kept.

 The scariest night of my life was when I was 12 years old. Now I’m pretty sure that’s the right timeline but it’s been so long, and I've blocked so much out. I was an awkward kid. I was quiet. I went through puberty much earlier then everyone around me. I was taller than my friends even the guys, I had quite a large chest even for 12 and I would hide it under sweatshirts and baggy clothes. I don't know why it was always so important to me but looking back now I think I was just trying to hide myself from people, from men.

 My mom was going somewhere, and I demanded to go with her. I was wearing a blue Yankees sweatshirt, jeans, and white shoes. I sat in the back of the car and she was driving. We stopped and picked up two people along the way. It was nighttime.

 The man that was sat with me in the back was a friend of hers. I don’t remember much about him, but I had seen him before. I must have felt comfortable enough around him because he had his arm around my shoulders, and I didn't think anything of it. I couldn't tell you how old he was just that he was an adult.

 We drove around stopping at a few places. I remember driving down main Street in Bradley Beach passing the quick check that’s there. I remember the radio being on and I remember being tired. I remember his arm moving to around my stomach and my heart beating out of my chest. I remember his hands touching my bare waist. The next thing I remember is being parked on a street in long branch outside of someone's house down the street from my middle school. I can’t remember if I was asleep or I was just pretending to make the situation easier. The next thing I remember is the man sticking his hand into my jeans and underwear.

 I didn’t make a sound. I didn’t move. I didn't even open my eyes. I just sat there as yet another man touched me in ways no child should be touched. I didn't know what to do. So, I did nothing. I remember thinking I’m 12 years old, I’m someone's child. What type of person does this?? I thought about how devastated my mom would be. How if I spoke up, she would probably try to kill this man and then she would go to jail and then she would be gone forever.

 I remember pretending to wake up and him removing his hand and that’s all I remember from that night. I’ve never been sure if he really thought I was sleeping or if he knew I was awake.

 Now though I never saw him again over the next few months my mother would get phone calls from him from jail and he would always ask to speak to me. He would say hello. He wanted to know how I was doing and how school was and then I would find some excuse to get off the phone and I would go to my room and I would cry a little, but not too much because I didn't want anyone knowing I was upset. He used to send her letters and she would mention that he asked about me. My stomach would turn.

 Eventually the calls and letters stopped. It would be almost 10 years before I started talking about that night with friends, swearing them to secrecy.

 Later that year I met a boy. A son of one of my mom’s friends I think he was 16 at the time. We hung out any time I was over there, and we talked, played video games did what friends do. One day he told me he liked me, that I was Beautiful, that he couldn't understand why I didn't have a boyfriend. I remember being shy. I didn’t like getting compliments from people. I said thank you. He asked if I liked him and even though I didn't, I didn't want to lose a friend, so I lied and said yes.

 The next time we hung out he asked if I would have sex with him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to; sex was not something that ever crossed my mind. So, I made up a lie. I told him that I thought I was too young for sex but that when I turned 13 that I would. He thankfully took that as an answer and didn't bring it up again until after my birthday. He said well your 13 now so you owe me something. I owed him something? I remember thinking how crazy that sounded. Yes, I had told him I would, but did that mean I owed it to him. I made up more excuses, over and over again and it never happened. I never saw him again.

 The boy from my childhood would come around. He would hang out with me, take me places, buy me things. But nothing else would happen. We would sometimes joke about the things we did as "kids" but that was it. I remember feeling ugly. I didn’t understand why we didn't do the things we used to. I figured he didn't love me anymore and that made me sad.

 When I was 14, I kissed a boy. This boy was a very good friend that had known me my entire life. I had always had a crush on him, but I never thought he saw me for anything more than just his best friend.

We kissed one night, and I mean really kissed. Now we had kissed plenty of times before as kids playing those silly games I talked about earlier. But this was different. I was 14 he was 15, I was sleeping over his house and we were cuddling. He kissed me and he seemed just as nervous as I was. But I wasn't scared. It didn't feel wrong, I didn't feel like I had to. I like to think of that night as the first time I kissed a boy. That night I had my first real "age" appropriate sexual experience and I remember feeling safe. I remember thinking maybe this could be the start of something. Nothing ever came of it. He is still one of my best friends who I love very much and I will always hold dear the events of that night and how it made me feel like maybe it wasn't so wrong to like boys. That maybe boys could be safe. We recently spoke about that night for the first time just a few weeks ago. He admitted that he liked me so much back then, but he was scared. He wished he would have spoken up. Maybe things would be different if he did.

 When I was 17, I fell in love and I lost my virginity to the boy I was dating who was 18. He was kind and gentle and loved me and didn't make me feel like my body was his or that I owed him anything. He made me feel good about myself. He made me feel beautiful. That was the first time I actively measured my self-worth according to someone else's love. Then he broke my heart into so many pieces it felt like I was dying because I kind of was. I would begin to slowly kill myself from the inside out and the trauma of losing that love and the things that happened after setting me on a path that still haunts me to this day.

 I developed an eating disorder. Not only was I too depressed to eat but I had convinced myself that I just wasn't good enough. That I was too fat for him. That maybe if I were thinner someone could love me. I dropped 60 pounds in 2 months. I weighed 152 pounds at 5'10 and though I knew I was sick. I thought I looked amazing.

 I started cutting myself. At first just to feel something, I would walk around feeling like a drained zombie and most times I couldn't even cry. I felt full of emotions I couldn't get rid of. Then I found that it helped relieve my anxiety. With every slash I felt relief. I felt the weight on my chest disappear. The blood didn't bother me, the pain for days after didn’t bother me. I only knew that it made me feel better and as long as I was careful and as long as no one knew it would be okay until I could feel better and I could stop.....I didn't for a long time.

 Over the course of months this boy used me because he knew I loved him so much and wanted him back in my life so badly that I would do anything. We continued to sleep together even though he had a new girlfriend. I will always regret that, and I believe karma has gotten me back tenfold for that, but I was just a love-struck teenager, I didn't understand what I was doing. Those actions just made me feel even more worthless. Now what I have come to realize is that yes, he was wrong, I was wrong, but he was just a confused teenager just like me. I no longer blame him for the hurt he caused. We speak from time to time.

 With my huge weight loss and some confidence, I began to give parts of myself away to people that didn't deserve me. These were not bad guys. They were all age appropriate. I never felt forced or guilted into it, but it did kill a piece of me every time. I wanted these boys to like me, to find me attractive because I liked them, and it had never really worked like that for me before. For them to be showing me any attention at all was huge for me because I didn't think much of myself. I didn’t think I was worthy and so I gave them parts of me as appreciation for that.

 When I was 19, I met a guy and I slept with him 3 hours after meeting him. He was 24 when we met. We dated for almost 3 years during which time he was verbally abusive and cheated on me with over a dozen people. He did this because I wouldn't experiment with him. I wouldn't have threesomes and I wouldn't cater to other things he proposed. Over those 3 years we had a lot of sex. Sometimes I wanted to and sometimes I didn’t. When I didn’t want to, he would guilt me into it or try to get me into the mood and almost every time I would give in. I would give in because I loved him, and sex is what people do when they love each other. I loved him more than anything and I still wasn't good enough for him to want just me, that broke me. I didn’t find out about all the people he had slept with until the very end of our relationship. We haven't spoken in almost 8 years.

 I've had issues with sexual relationships ever since.

 Over the years my anxiety, depression and self-loathing just grew and grew. At 21 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, major depression, and panic disorders. This did not come as a surprise to me. The very first time I ever remember being anxious I was 4 and my mom was going to steal a toy I wanted from the store. So, to hear from a professional that that is exactly what it was almost a relief.

 The 6 months after my diagnosis was particularly hard. I was working 2 jobs, going to college, my first long term relationship had just ended. My grandfather and uncle passed away, super storm sandy devastated the coast and nothing felt like it was ever going to be okay again. I don’t think I had ever felt lower in my life, I drank too much, and I made some really bad decision. But something happened, I hit bottom and then I picked myself up and I kept moving. That is a pattern I have continue. I go go go and I deplete myself, I hit bottom, I keep going. That’s just what I've kind of done my entire life actually.

 Since then I've had a few relationships, I’ve had a few "hook ups " there were good times and bad. I always gave it my all but there was always this stuff in the background. My anxiety always got in the way. My insecurities got in the way. Though the reason why things didn't work out weren't always my fault, I always felt like something I did pushed these people into the direction they ended up going.

 I always felt so blessed to have them, so shocked that people like them saw something in someone like me. Some of them felt the same way about me and it baffled me why anyone would think of me that way. I guess they in turn probably felt that too. I always held on too tight. I was always afraid that if I let up or let my grip go just a little that I would lose them. I’ve learned that all I did by holding them so close was to suffocate all the beautiful possibilities of what could have been. Whether it was because it scared them or they just stopped feeling the same or they just never felt the same I will never know, but I will never stop feeling like something in me drive them away.

 I've said in the past that I try to be as vulnerable as possible. It’s something I started when I first realized the gravity of what I had been through.

I’ve been told that simply isn't the best idea. That it leaves me too open, it sets me up for disappointment and yeah, I’m sure it does, but I just can’t imagine being any other way.

 I guess the point of all this was to explain something about myself. To explain why I am the way I am. Why my heart is so open, and I feel so much. Why I cling to things I'm afraid of losing. Why my anxiety takes over a lot of the time. Why I take things so personally. Why I love with all of myself. Also, why I can be cold. Why even as someone that feels so much, I sometimes can't feel at all in certain situations.

 I know I’m a rare person. I see the good in people when it doesn't seem like there is any there. I push people who I know can do better. I throw everything into caring about a person because I feel that’s what people deserve. They deserve to know they are cared about and loved no matter what. I’m extremely patient, kind and understanding. I don't get sick of things easily. I work very very hard and put my all into whatever job I have at the time. I don't judge much, who am I to judge anyone else?

 I can also be selfish. Sometimes things just need to be about me. I can obsess and dwell. I can be a bitch, sometimes as a defense mechanism and sometimes just because. I can be overwhelming at times. There are times when I drink too much. Times I put my foot in my mouth or act obnoxiously. I talk too much; I say too much. I’m nowhere near perfect. Even though some people have claimed that I am. But I try to be good. I try to be good because I know if I stop trying, I could go to a dark place very quickly.

 I have to see the hope and the good. I have to dream of better days. I have to be completely open and overbearing with my feelings because that’s the true me. I have so much inside of me, and I have to let it out and I know sometimes it can be annoying as hell and overwhelming, but I have to say how I feel. I have to believe that things can be better. I have to believe that even though terrible, horrible things happen to people every day that they can overcome those things. That the world can't possibly be as horrible as it seems. That even after all I’ve gone through, at my own hands or at the hands of others that I can overcome it all and have the life I have always wanted.

 I just want to love and be loved, unapologetically.

 I've often said it’s a miracle that I am the way I am, and I get the feeling that people don't utterly understand the weight behind that statement.

 I am a walking talking miracle.

 I may not love myself the way I should, I may abuse my body and my mind from time to time, I may be a bad friend here or there and I may tell a lie or two but the me that’s here today could be a much different person and it would have been easier to take a different path but I didn't.

 I chose the love and the hope in life and because I can’t love myself, I make sure that everyone else knows how much they are loved whether it be by me or other people.

 I make sure that I am the light because I know that the darkness is always waiting for me.

 I hope one day I can learn to love myself as much as I love everyone else. That I can show myself the respect I show others. That I can believe my own words when I say that EVERYONE deserves to be loved, that EVERYONE is worthy of greatness. That EVERYONE can have all the happiness they want as long as they reach out a grab it when it comes along. I want to be free of it all. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be the strong women people see me as, the women I know I am.

 I know there is a great life out there waiting for me and I hope in being honest and finally letting all of this shit go I can find it.

 Thank you

[kastartss]

I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)

Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.

I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many. 

On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.

But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.

The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.

Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant. 

Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.

This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately). 

I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health. 

It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was. 

I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors. 

All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness. 

This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?

The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant. 

Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.

[trig-loves-clowning-around]

A Gentle Giant part 1

Okay for obvious reasons Pennywise's height is based off of Bill's but just thought it's be better to get this out of the way first so I don't have to explain his height. K hope y'all enjoy part 1/? ~~~~~ It all started in the summer when Y/n L/n had their first run in with the strangest moments of their entire life. They could remember mosying down Neibolt Street on their motorcycle, the Yamaha XS 650 to be exact, they had just gotten out of work to get home. When they noticed Bill Denborough's bike.They recognized it due the fact that they had known Bill since he was in diapers. Living next door made it easy to recognize Silver. It was at 29 Neibolt St. It sent a chill down their spine, not only could it be infested with squatters, mice, snakes, ect. ect. It also was rotting away from the foundation. 

Bill and the 6 other bike owners, who y/n assumed would be his other friends they've seen running around, could be in big trouble. They parked the Bike on the curb deciding to throw caution to the wind when they heard a symphony of screams. running toward all the kids you recognized most of them.The first thing they saw was the bleeding new kid, they had no idea who he was, but they knelled down to assess the situation when they heard a familiar scream from none other then Eddie as Richie set his bone into place. Pushing the other child to the back of their mind they rushed to Eddie,demanding for the preteens to get out of their way. They picked up Eddie trying not to jostle the small kid, telling the kids to tell his mom where he was Y/n rushed out onto their Yamaha as the sped off to the nearest hospital.

After about ten minutes at the hospital, Ms. Kaspbrak came bursting through the door demanding to know what happened to her son. "Ma'am I just heard a scream from 29 Neibolt St. Where Billy and his friends were, that was when I saw Eddie's arm and rushed him over" Y/n explained as calmly as possible, having known the woman for as long as they had, they had come to expect this act from her. She nodded her head frantically babbling about how grateful she was that they had been there and how they were an angel in disguise and how "those little devils were trying to kill her son". "Now Ms. K" Y/n interjected, "I've known these kids since they were in diapers. None of them would something like that. They were in an old house, perhaps," They paused to stoop down to her level who was on the verge of hyperventalating, "Ms. Kaspbrak you need to take deep breaths come on, in and out. in, out. That's it!" they beamed straightening up a litte. "Eddie's gonna be fine, he's tougher then he looks. When i was their age I probably explored that damn house 100 times over.It's really old he could've just fallen. Bill's not going to attempt to hurt Ed's anytime soon." "Now I know you babysat that boy when he was little but kids change!" she started up her rant again, talking about everything that could be the cause of 'Eddie's friends trying to kill him"

Y/n's patience's started to fade as they listened to the woman, remembering that she might be going into shock and that keeping her talking could be a good thing! They never had anything to do with medicine so they wouldn't really know. Though one suggestion seemed to make them lose themselves. "I bet you that they were trying to sacrifice him... Yes that's it! Sacrificing my son so that... Georgie was it? yes yes it was, for... For him to come back! Devil worshipers the whole lot of them!" which caused Y/n to turn roughly and stalk outside of the building. ~~~~ I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose as I rushed to my bike, knowing that was how Ms.K was I tried not to dwell on her words so much as I turned my focus to the road. How were the rest of them? I decided to try and make sure the kids were at least out of that damn house before I went to investigate it myself. I knew it could have something to do with Georgie, Bill was devastated when he went missing. As was I, I was his babysitter when he was only 3, it hit my family pretty hard when he was announced missing just a few months ago. Georgie was one of the most caring little kid I could've known.  He never seemed to care about my height when I hit the sudden growth spurt near my Senior year of high school pushing me passed 7 ft, no he just continued to treat me like a cousin, or family member, always asking for bike rides and if I could play. Even if I had to work or study he'd be right there trying to convince me that I could just live with his family so I could play with him. I was his "gentle giant" as some would say. My growth spurt has continued until I was a ridiculous 7 ft 4. Of course that sent mocking and self consciousness in my direction as I felt even more out of place in this sleepy little town. I got this bad habit of hunching over that only seemed to go away when I was with loved ones, like my mother or the Denborough's, now a days I was slouched over almost all the time. I drove back past the "haunted house" which, to my relief was lacking in the children's bicycle department.

Though I felt like I was being watched as I drove back to my neighborhood, deciding to take a stop at Bill's house to make sure he was okay. Parking in my driveway I walked over to his house and knocked on his door. I was greeted by his mother letting me go in to talk to him. I walked up to his room and knocked "Bill, it's Y/n" I called softly. After a sound of shuffling feet the door opened to show the tired and red puffy eyes of a desperate and sad Bill. "Can I come in?" I asked, he stepped out of the way and let my in his room. We used to always keep his door open when I was in his room but he shut his door the second I was out of the way.

"Whoa bud, what's gotten into you?" I asked started kneeling down and looking into his eyes. "I-I m-m-messed up b..bad Y/n..." He whispered. "aw hun no!" I collected him into my arms rocking him back and forth hushing the silent sobs. "I came to make sure you were safe. I also want to know what you were doing in that house Billy." I mentioned as his breathing calmed down and he seemed to freeze up in my arms. "You... You wouldn't un-understand..." he grumbled into my shoulder. "I will if you want me to know" I said straightening me, "but since I know your safe, I'll be going no-" "W-wait!" Bill grabbed my arm seeming to have an inner struggle on whether or not to tell me what happened until he muttered. "m-meet me a-at the B-B-Barrens tomorrow th-then I'll let you kn-kn...know"

I sighed, "I've got school tomorrow, my thesis isn't gonna write itself, but I'll be back at one, then I'll pick you up and we'll go there okay?" I said looking down at him. He gave me a determined little nod that made me smile. "Well," I paused to ruffle his hair, "See ya later squirt~" 

"H-hey!" He grumbled pushing my hand of his head, "E-everyone's a-a s-s-squirt to y-you Y/n!" He called after me making me smile. "Your not wrong kiddo!" I called after him as I exited the Denborough's household to walk back to mine. As long as I lived under my mother's roof, I would have to uphold the curfew.  Even though I was able to basically do whatever I want in the legal world, I was still under the control of my parents. After a quick dinner with my parents I head off to bed. After all that bullshit I had to put up with today, I half wished I could sleep forever.

After curling up for what seemed like an eternity, I finally seemed to fall asleep.

I felt it beofre I saw it. A hand creeping up my shoulders, pressing it's sharp digits into my shoulders causing a pang of pain and a yelp to erupt from my lips. I tried to trun my head before I heard him. "Y/n, don't you want to float with me?" Georgie, he was at the foot of my bed, his big innocent eyes in his cute rain slick. My eyes widened as I sat up completely ignoring the tearing feeling in my shoulders as the claw like features racked down my back. "G-goergie?... GEORGIE!" I tried to leap towards him and grab his arm but, my body seemed to hit a solid mass of dirty white pantaloons. "wh-what?" I was on my knees so I looked up at the towering figure. 'What the Hell?' I asked staring intently at the man in a clown costume.   "Where's Georgie!" I growled in confusion staring the freak right in the eyes, I started to stand up, but a surprisingly strong hand puished flat against the end of my bed. "What the Hell..." My mumbles got more unintelligible as I felt another pair or hands, seemingly coming from inside my mattress, started to strangle me. All I could hear from the freaks mouth was "You'll die if you try, you'll die if you try,you'lldiifyoutryyou'lldieifyoutry..." Then my vision faded to black.

I shot up from my bed gripping my throat taking deep breaths. I was covered in sweat, I was in my room, I was ALIVE. "Well, I did a lot yesterday" I reasoned with myself "It's just stress..."

Little did I know about the pair of golden eyes looking at me from the closet.

Not much Pennywise in this one but there will be in part 2!))

NEXT

@pumpkinwise

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

My Eyes - Part 14

Pairing: Bucky; Steve x Fem/Reader

Word Count: 4,701

Story Description: Steve is a good man, America’s golden boy, a hero. He’s Captain America for christ’s sake! So it’s normal to want what he has… right? Bucky knows he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t even deserve the second chance at life he’s been given. But Bucky can never let him know. Steve can never find out that his friend is in love with his best girl.

Story takes place post “CA: CW” and all tension has been resolved.

Previously On…

-- 3 YEARS LATER

A car horn beeped outside. Jimmy came bounding down the stairs with his backpack.

“Hey! Please eat some breakfast before you go!” Y/N called out to her teenage son.

“I’m not hungry. And Bucky packed me a huge lunch.” Jimmy called over his shoulder before bounding out the front door. But he came back seconds later and quickly he poured himself a cup of coffee to go.

“I got you addicted to that stuff too soon. Don’t you know it’ll stunt your growth?” Y/N teased her son.

Jimmy scoffed. He took a few steps towards the door again, but turned around and hurriedly gave his mom a kiss on the cheek. “Love you, mom.” Then he was sprinting out the door once again.

Y/N had her knees pulled up to her chest as she sipped on her own cup of coffee. She sighed and looked up at Bucky, who had watched the usual morning routine with ease. “I don’t know how the hell that kid grew into a giant without eating the most important meal of the day.” She stated sarcastically.  

Jimmy, quickly on his way to turning 16, had finally showed just how much of the super-serum gene he had inherited. He was even taller than Steve had been, reaching a towering height of 6’3. He was no longer the smallest kid in class; he was the tallest. His physique grew just as much as his height. Jimmy looked more like a professional athlete in his mid-twenties than a teenager going through puberty. His cute, boyish face turned into a handsome young man. Jimmy definitely didn’t miss out on Steve’s good looks.

Y/N called him a gentle giant. For as big and terrifying as Jimmy looked, he was still terribly shy and kindhearted.

But the move had given Jimmy the change he needed. He was still an outsider at school, but he had good friends. His best friend was Luke, who just happened to be openly gay; sadly, a rarity in the small town. He was the person that drove Jimmy to school everyday, already having his license and a car. For a while, Y/N believed there was a possibility Jimmy and him were secretly dating. Bucky quickly shot down her suspicions.

“How can you be so sure?” Y/N whined. “Gaydar wasn’t even a thing in your day. I think I know better than you.”

Bucky smiled at her frustration. “Trust me, doll. Jimmy and Luke are only friends.” He kissed her cheek. “He’s just terrified of girls…just like his dad.”

Y/N gave him a small smile at that. “For the record, I don’t care who he likes. I just don’t want him to ever think he has to keep secrets from me.”

“I know, Y/N.” Bucky chuckled.

Bucky had moved into Y/N’s house two years after her and Jimmy returned to New York. He had never been happier. Y/N and Jimmy had become the family he had always dreamed of having. They were so close to the Avenger’s facility that various teammates stopped by pretty much whenever.

Jimmy was constantly going over there as well. His abilities had developed not long after his terrifying fever that caused the move in the first place.

It turned out that Jimmy could control the density of his body. He could walk through a wall one second and the next he’d solidify his skin enough to stop a bullet.

To everyone’s surprise, Vision was the person to help Jimmy control his abilities more than anyone. Wanda was helpful too.

Tony tried to convince Y/N that Jimmy should just be homeschooled. The teenage boy learned more from the team than any school ever could. Jimmy could speak Spanish, French, German, and Russian fluently. He could even understand Wanda’s Sokovian… but wouldn’t consider himself fluent in speaking it himself.

Y/N asked Jimmy if homeschooling was what he wanted. But Jimmy knew how important it was to his mom that he had a normal childhood. They compromised with him going to a normal public school, as long as he could go to the Avengers’ compound as much as he wanted.

Y/N suspected that Peter Parker had something to do with it. He was in his late twenties now and knew what it was like to be special during adolescence. Sometimes New York’s friendly neighborhood spider was better at giving Jimmy personal advice than Y/N or Bucky.

Bucky now sat next to Y/N at the kitchen table with his own cup of coffee. “You know, Tony recently mentioned something about getting Jimmy a car for his 16th birthday.”

Y/N’s head snapped to him. “You better tell him that is absolutely not happening!” She immediately pictured Tony buying Jimmy a sports scar that cost more than their house.

“I tried, doll. But he just kept promising that it would be used and beat up.” Bucky smirked at the ridiculousness.

Y/N rubbed her face and groaned. She was still waking up. Her eyes were even still puffy with sleep. “Ugh…when is Tony going to stop acting like our financial backer?”

“Probably never.” Bucky pointed out with a chuckle.

Y/N shook her head, trying to get her mind to move on. “When’s your first class today?”

“Not until 5:30 tonight. But I promised Sam I’d go to the V.A. with him in a couple of hours.”

Thanks to Y/N’s guidance, Bucky’s retirement was filled with meaning. He taught self-defense classes consistently. Every once in awhile he would visit schools and be met with kids screaming in excitement. Sam also got him to visit the V.A sometimes. Bucky was somewhat of a poster child there, proving that things could get better for soldiers struggling to adjust back into civilian life.

Meanwhile, Y/N managed to work at the local library again. But she continued her art therapy sessions at a new community center too. After she realized how much it was helping children, she couldn’t imagine sitting back and doing nothing.

No matter how the two of them spent their days, Jimmy was always their main focus. For Bucky it was Jimmy and Y/N. Every day he woke up with her in his arms and wondered how the hell he got so lucky. Once in awhile, he would have a bad day: his mind would start convincing him that he was unworthy of this life of happiness. But Y/N always managed to talk him away from the ledge.

“What’s on your schedule today?” Bucky asked her.

“My day is completely free.” Y/N sighed in content. It was a rarity.

“Are you finally going to finish that stack of books you brought home?” Bucky asked mindlessly as he stared at the newspaper in front of him.

Y/N watched him for a moment. Bucky was still as handsome as ever. His scruff seemed to be a permanent fixture. His hair was in a messy bun on the back of his neck. One would never guess that he was retired seeing as his muscles were just as big as when he was a brainwashed Hydra killer.

“No. I definitely don’t want to read right now.” Y/N breathed mischievously.

Then she slowly got up from her seat and straddled Bucky. He didn’t seem as surprised by the gesture as she anticipated. Guess that’s what she gets for being with a trained assassin. Her hands rubbed his scruff and then brushed a piece of hair behind his ear that escaped his bun. His grip had immediately wrapped around her waist. His metal hand went under her t-shirt causing a chill to go down her spine.  

“I had other plans.” Y/N added.

Bucky grinned up at her. “Is that so?”

“You said you didn’t have to meet up with Sam for a couple hours…” Her voice was seductive and then her lips were climbing up the side of his neck.

He nodded, sometimes her seductions still made him speechless. Then he felt her lust drifting off through her empath abilities. Y/N knew it drove him crazy: knowing exactly what she wanted was a turn-on that Bucky could never describe.

Not being able to take the teasing any longer, Bucky captured her lips and pulled her body closer to his.

Y/N yelped slightly when Bucky roughly brushed his chair back and stood up. She giggled when he kept her body tightly in his grasp. Her legs automatically wrapped around his waist as he carried her to their bedroom.

---

Bucky must have accidentally fallen asleep post-coitus. He woke up naked and alone in their bed with the sheets tangled around his body. His instincts made him sit up quickly. Waking up without Y/N always caused him distress. A sensitivity he didn’t like admitting to her. “Y/N?” He called out sleepily. There was no answer.

Bucky got up from the bed and moved to the window of their bedroom. It looked out into the backyard that was more of a forest than anything. His stress instantly disappeared when he saw Y/N in her greenhouse.

When she and Jimmy moved back, Bucky built it for her. He knew she missed her house in Montana; it was a sanctuary she built all on her own. Y/N had almost cried when he showed it to her. She made a garden right next to it too.

Bucky had a small smile as he watched for another moment before throwing on a pair of jeans, not bothering with boxers or a shirt.

He thought he’d made his footsteps loud and known, but Y/N still hadn’t heard his entrance to the greenhouse. He leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed, observing her.

Y/N’s brow was furrowed, proving she was deep in thought. She just wore a silky robe. Bucky knew that was the only thing covering her body.

“Everything okay?” Bucky asked softly.

Y/N couldn’t help but jump.

“I tried to be loud.” Bucky apologized. His sly tendencies were a constant annoyance to her. She hated being frightened and Bucky was just too quiet.

She ignored him and continued whatever she was working on before he interrupted.

“What are you doing?” Bucky walked further into the greenhouse.

“Ugh…trying to figure out how to plant these things.” She mumbled without looking up at him.

Bucky looked at the discarded packaging on a table. It was peppermint, ginger root, and slippery elm. His eyes narrowed. She never planted anything like that before.

He looked at her again and started becoming concerned as he saw the tension in Y/N’s body. He gently cupped her cheek. “Y/N, what’s wrong?”

She finally acknowledged him. Her body relaxed a bit by his touch.

Bucky’s eyes were filled with concerned as he tried to read her mind. “Did I do something wrong while we were…” He was too much of a gentleman to finish his question.

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong…” Y/N sighed.

“Why aren’t you still in bed with me, doll?” Bucky urged.

“James, I-I have something to tell you…” She whispered. Her hand instinctively reached for his and pulled it away from her cheek so she could grasp it for comfort.

He nodded.

“But I have no idea how to tell you.” She admitted, shaking her head slightly.

“Alright, you’re starting to scare me, Y/N. Please, just tell me. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.” Bucky assured her.

Y/N closed her eyes tight as if it was going to make her braver. “Right, okay!” She opened them and got lost in his blue irises. “I’m pregnant.” Her voice was such a whisper that Bucky wasn’t sure he would have caught it without his enhanced hearing.

He stared at her for a second and tried to figure out if this was cruel joke or something. But her face remained terrified, waiting for his reaction.

Then tears filled Bucky’s eyes and his new smile was beaming. “You’re pregnant?” He whispered in utter bliss.

Y/N still didn’t look relieved. But a nervous smirk slipped onto her lips and she nodded. “Yeah, Buck.”

Bucky lifted her up in the air and spun her in a circle. She couldn’t help but giggle at the reaction. When he put her down, he pressed his forehead to hers. “You’re sure?” He whispered. There went that dark part of his mind again, always struggling to believe in the good things that happened to him.

Y/N nodded. “Yes. After taking about three different pregnancy tests, I went to the doctor while you and Jimmy were on a hike.”

Bucky frowned. “Why didn’t you tell me then, Y/N?”

Their foreheads were still touching, but Y/N’s gaze fell to the ground in shame. “I-I didn’t know what you’d feel. We didn’t plan this and we never discussed it.” Then her expression darkened. “I don’t really have a good track record of telling people I’m pregnant.”

That’s when Bucky really understood her fear. It was coming off of her in waves now, whether she realized it or not. The last time Y/N told a man she was having his child, he died a few seconds later. She watched the life disappear from Steve’s eyes a moment after she told him she was bringing another into the world.

Bucky pulled Y/N into his chest. “Oh, doll. I’m so happy. Can’t you feel it?” He whispered as he stroked her hair.

Then a thought suddenly occurred to him. He pulled back to look at her and gripped her chin. How could he be so selfish?

“Is this what you want?” He asked her seriously.

“What? Having a child with you?” Y/N asked playfully. But she knew what he was really asking. “Of course. I’ve secretly wanted it for a while now, actually. I guess I should’ve told you.”

Bucky always speculated that he couldn’t have kids. Unlike Steve, he had been in and out of cryo so many times and Hydra had tortured him in so many ways. Bucky couldn’t help but convince himself that he was sterile.

Y/N probably kept her little desire to herself to protect Bucky. If they openly started trying and nothing happened, she knew he would only blame himself.

Bucky leaned closer to her once again, his hands mesmerizing her waist. “Y/N,” His voice was soft, yet husky. He kissed her passionately. “Marry me? Please?”

“Ew, Bucky.” Y/N pushed him away. “This isn’t the 1940s. You don’t need a shotgun wedding when you get your girlfriend pregnant anymore.”

But his face was serious. “It’s not about the pregnancy, Y/N. You know that.”

“Still a no.” Y/N chuckled and went back to her herbs.

This had become a game between them. Every once in awhile, when the moment arose, Bucky would propose to Y/N. It was always an intimate affair, always followed by her doing something that set a spark into his heart.

But Y/N never gave in. Yes, she had always wanted to settle down with Steve: raise a family and disappear from the public eye. But marriage was never a requirement or a desire for her.

Despite them viewing it as their little game, Bucky said ever proposal with the utmost sincerity.

But Y/N was a modern woman. Marriage held less and less meaning in society. She didn’t think it changed anything in a relationship. If you love someone, you love them. A piece of paper didn’t prove anything.  

“You don’t even have to change your last name.” Bucky would plead.

“We don’t need to have a wedding. We can just elope!” He would point out.

“If it’s the money for a ring, I already have my mother’s. Those Smithsonian assholes still had it.”

Y/N tried to understand why Bucky was so insistent. Obviously marriage was a much bigger deal in his heyday. But there had to be something else, and she had yet to figure it out.

“Can I borrow your phone?” Bucky asked, seeing it sit on a nearby phone.

She nodded and handed it to him.

Bucky stepped outside for a moment.

Y/N eyed him curiously. “Who did you just call?”

“Sam. Told him you were sick so I couldn’t go to the V.A. with him.”

She smiled, realizing that she wanted to bask in their little secret together for as long as they could.

Bucky wrapped his arms around her from behind. His hands graced her stomach, feeling her in a new way now that he knew there was a life waiting in there…A life that he helped create.

Bucky kissed her neck. “I know we were already successful. But I think we should keep trying, just to be safe.” He mumbled into ear before pressing a kiss in the soft skin behind it.

“Buck,” Y/N giggled. “We were never trying.”

“Exactly!” Bucky exclaimed softly. “We’re already behind.” Then he softly turned her around and embraced her with a loving kiss. Y/N squeaked when he scooped her up in his arms.

They were almost back in the house when Y/N smiled naughtily up at him. “It’s good that you’ll be around. If I’ve learned anything from last time, it’s that I get extremely horny when I’m pregnant.”

As if Bucky needed any further encouragement.

“Yep. It’s decided. You’re not leaving this house for the next 9 months.” Bucky growled. There were few sounds that could arouse Y/N more.

---

“Bucky?”

He didn’t hear.

“Bucky?”

The road hypnotized him.  

“James?” Y/N finally said urgently as she gripped his bicep.

He finally tore his gaze away from the highway to look at Y/N.

“You okay?” Her eyes were so tender and genuine as she asked.

Bucky sometimes forgot that she could feel everything inside of him if she wanted to. Y/N was too kind and polite to invade his privacy like that. But during times like these, she overlooked her principles. Nevertheless she always gave him a chance to tell her with his own words first.

“Just nervous.” Bucky mumbled.

“You’ve hung out with my family multiple times. I don’t understand what you think is going to happen.” Y/N smiled softly and gave his shoulder a little squeeze.

Yes, Bucky had interacted with her family on multiple occasions: Jimmy and Y/N’s birthdays, the holidays, and Jimmy’s middle school graduation. But he always assumed they were just being pleasant and nice to keep the peace with Y/N. She had already been through so much. They weren’t going to stop her from loving someone new after all this time. Her and Jimmy’s happiness were all they cared about.

But now that Y/N was pregnant again…pregnant with his child, maybe they wouldn’t be so pleasant. Bucky would be a permanent fixture in their life, whether it worked out with Y/N and him or not. But Bucky would die before he did anything to destroy their relationship or let it slip through his grasp.

“Yeah, Bucky. Now that I’m a hormonal teenager, they have nothing cute to fuss over. Grandma and Grandpa will freak out.” Jimmy said from the backseat.

Now Bucky felt guilty for not only worrying Y/N, but Jimmy too.

“I’m fine. I promise.” He announced to the car. Then he reached over and held Y/N’s hand to further assure her. She gripped it and sent calming waves with her empath power. He couldn’t deny that it felt good.

Y/N practically jumped out as soon as Bucky put the car in park. She missed her family so much. Seeing them a couple times a year was never enough. She was already inside the house before Bucky or Jimmy even unbuckled their seatbelts.

“Hey, Buck?” Jimmy asked quietly.

Towards the end of middle school, he had eventually dropped the Uncle part of his title.

They had a moment alone in the driveway.

Bucky had to slightly look up at Jimmy after his ridiculous growth spurt.

“I know my mom’s been stressing about how all of this affects me and everything.” Jimmy started. “I just wanted to say, I’m really happy for both of you.” He was looking at his feet and shifting as he shared the sentiment. Just like his dad, he had a good heart but wasn’t always the best at voicing it with confidence.

Bucky smiled at the boy. “Come here, punk.” He shoved him roughly into a hug.

When he pulled away, he gestured toward the house. “Think your grandpa will try to shoot me when we tell him?” Bucky joked.

Jimmy smirked. “Definitely not. But if he brings out a gun, I promise I’ll protect you.” He pestered before walking around him and entering the house.

---

“Honey, are you sure don’t want any wine? Not even with dessert?” Y/N’s mom asked once again at the dinner.

“I’m fine, mom.” Y/N whined. She looked across the table to see her older sister eyeing her suspiciously. Then her eyes shifted to Bucky, who was sitting to her left. He instantly knew this was their cue. His hand slid into hers for support. “Actually, we have news to tell you…”

Y/N’s mom dropped her fork dramatically. “Are you two getting married?” She practically shrieked in excitement.

Bucky’s jaw clenched at the comment.

Once again, Y/N sent him a swell of calmness and squeezed his hand.

“No…we’re not getting married, mom.” Y/N sighed, completely unfazed by her incorrect guess. “But don’t blame Bucky. It’s not for a lack of trying on his end.”

The whole family looked confused… even Jimmy, who was unaware of Bucky’s constant proposals.

Y/N cleared her throat. “I’m… ugh... I’m pregnant.”

“I knew it.” Her older sister smirked. “You never turn down wine.” Y/N playfully glared at her. “Congratulations, sissy.” She added sweetly.

“Oh, that’s just wonderful!” Y/N’s mom screamed in excitement. Then she was moving around the table to hug Y/N and, to Bucky’s surprise, she went right for him immediately after.

Y/N’s dad, who was much quieter and bad with expressing affection, just smiled at Y/N from across the table.

Bucky watched their exchange carefully, realizing that they were having some kind of unspoken conversation. He suddenly felt guilty for their announcement not being an engagement. Lord knows he was trying. Steve never had to deal with the possible disapproval from Y/N’s parents for having a kid without being married. Bucky wondered if he was going to take twice the blame this time around.

Y/N’s mother was practically cheering as she went into the kitchen to get dessert and somehow managed to drag her husband with her. Y/N’s sister and Jimmy disappeared to watch a movie in the living room together.

“I told you they would be happy.” Y/N whispered to Bucky before giving him a quick peck.

He gave her a shy smile before pulling her in for another kiss.

“I thought you’d be more relieved.” Y/N’s smile faltered when she could tell that something was still bothering him. “Buck, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m happy.” He kissed her again, prolonging it this time.

“Gross. Get a room.” Jimmy joked as he walked back in.

Bucky playfully glared at him and threw his napkin in the teenager’s face. “Congrats, you just won yourself dish duty.” He caught it before it could hit him.

Jimmy groaned but didn’t argue. Without another word from Bucky or his mom, he started picking up the dirty plates from the dinner table.

“And thank your grandparents for dinner!” Y/N warned before Jimmy left the room with his hands full of dishes.

“He already did...twice. Boy’s more polite than you are, Y/N.” Her dad interrupted as he brought in a plate of brownies. “I think you have to thank that man of yours for Jimmy’s manners.”

Bucky blushed at the roundabout compliment.

“Does that mean I can thank you for my rudeness?” Y/N teased.

It was moments like these that made Bucky so grateful for Y/N. She was the only thing in his life that ever made him forget his past. Whenever he was with her, he just felt normal.

He was brought out of his head as he watched Y/N shove too much brownie in one bite. Resulting in half of it hanging out of her mouth.

Then she squinted at him and babbled something he couldn’t understand.

Bucky laughed at her antics.

When she finally managed to swallow the brownie, she laughed. “I said, ‘See, I do have manners!’”

---

It had been over an hour since Y/N fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Bucky had just been staring at the ceiling. He didn’t feel even remotely tried, despite the long day they had.

Finally he gave up. As quietly as he could, Bucky slipped out of bed. Y/N’s parents had a pretty deck in their backyard. He figured it would be a good place to think alone. In just a baggy pair of sweatpants, Bucky sat down in a chair and stared out at the fireflies in the distance.

A few minutes later he heard footsteps from inside the home. But he knew they were too heavy to belong to Y/N and they were too slow to be Jimmy’s.

The glass door slid open and Bucky glanced over his shoulder to find Y/N’s dad with two glasses of whiskey in his hands.

“Figured you’d be out here.” He muttered as if this meeting had been prearranged and handed Bucky one of the glasses.

Bucky instantly misread the situation. “Sir, I believe I owe you an apology.”

“An apology? What for?”

“Not asking for your permission before proposing to Y/N. I know we’re not engaged… but Y/N made the comment at dinner and-”

His tangent was cut off when Y/N’s dad started chuckling. “That’s a little outdated, don’t you think? Y/N is her own person. She doesn’t need my blessing or permission for anyone to propose to her. If you haven’t realized…my daughter has always been rather progressive and headstrong.”

Bucky relaxed a little. But he had no idea what the purpose of this conversation was now. He decided to take a sip of the whiskey and wait for some sort of direction.

“You’re starting to doubt yourself, aren’t you?” Y/N’s dad said while looking straight ahead. “About being a good father.”

Bucky swallowed.

“That’s why you couldn’t sleep, right?”

Bucky turned to him and nodded uneasily.

“Same thing happened to my when my wife was pregnant with Y/S’s/N. I convinced myself that I had no right raising another human being.”

Bucky didn’t say anything.

“James,” He never called him Bucky. “I’m not going to try and pretend to know what you’ve had to go through in life. But I do know one thing: you’re a good man. I see how happy you make Y/N. And it’s apparent what type of positive influence you’ve had on Jimmy.” He took a sip. “There’s not a doubt in my mind that you’ll make a great father.”

“What changed?” Bucky asked softly.

“Hmm?”

“What convinced you that you could be a father?”

“Honestly? Nothing. I was too busy worrying about Y/N’s mother. I couldn’t be selfish and waste time doubting myself while she was already living the pregnancy. So I just focused on her. Then when Y/S’s/N was born, I just took it a day at a time. Listen, I know that’s not very helpful. But nobody knows what the hell they’re doing… Especially the men. But you’ll figure it out. I promise.”

They finished their whiskey in comfortable silence. Bucky never really knew what Y/N’s father thought of him. What would any father think about The Winter Soldier dating their daughter? Bucky always assumed he thought he wasn’t good enough for Y/N. But that suspicion couldn’t withhold after tonight.

Bucky realized it was ridiculous to expect Y/N’s dad to think so low of him. After all, he raised her. That kindness and quiet confidence didn’t all come from just her mother.

Bucky eventually got back into bed with Y/N, who was still peacefully asleep.

However her body scooted closer to him as soon as he was back under the covers.

“Everything okay?” Y/N surprised him my asking.

He could tell her voice that she was only half awake. Her eyes weren’t even open.

“Y/N… Am I going to be a good father?” He whispered.

“No… you’re going to be the best.” Y/N answered before immediately falling back to sleep.

Bucky chuckled. He doubted that she would even remember their little conversation in the morning. But it comforted him nonetheless.

-------

Part 15

Sorry this took me longer than usual. I was traveling and work has been crazy. Thank you for your patience. 

[reigningxo]

Unpredictable (Roman Reigns x OFC)

(A/N) I’m sorry that it took me so long to upload guys. I was really busy and my mind was just not working along. But I’m happy to say that the first chapter is up. Feedback is more than welcome, so let me know what y’all think🙈.

Chapter 1

Alani

‘’Can you pass me that box over there?’’ I asked my mom as I was standing in my new room.

‘’Which one? They all look the same,’’ she mocked. ‘’When you asked me to come over and told me that there were only a few boxes left, you didn’t say there were actually still thousand left to unpack.’’

‘’Thanks for helping mom,’’ I smiled sweetly and gave her a hug. She chuckled and shook her head, hugging me back. I moved in my own house a week ago but there were still some boxes left to unpack since I was being my lazy self. ‘’Do you think dad is finished with the backyard?’’

‘’Honey, he’s probably already finished for an hour, but he’s just admiring his work, you know how he is.’’

‘’Are all architects like that?’’ I laughed as I walked downstairs. My dad has his own company for over ten years and became extremely successful, so when I told him that I was moving out of my shitty apartment, he insisted on designing my house. I was fortunate to have something this big being done for me and my dad luckily didn’t ask me for a fortune. My dad, on the other hand, paid a fortune to build and design the whole place. ‘Anything for my beloved daughter’, he said. ‘’I’ll make sure it looks like a mansion.’ Little did I know that when he mentioned that it’ll look like a mansion, he, in fact, build a mansion. It wasn’t too big but it wasn’t too small either, he knows exactly what I love and we, of course, talked about what I wanted and wished for.

I saw my dad standing in the living room while writing some things down. ‘’If you’re okay with it, I’d like to add this to my portfolio, showing all my clients how amazing I am,’’ he said as he turned around. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. ‘’What do you think of it?’’

‘’I couldn’t wish for anything more, thank you, dad.’’ I smiled and gave him a hug. ‘’I’m going to do the groceries right now because I need some good ass meal to eat in my brand new house,’’ I excitedly said. ‘’And thank you both for letting me stay at your house for the weeks this all was being built.’’

‘’It was no problem at all honey,’’ my mom spoke as she kissed my dad’s cheek. ‘’We’re happy that you’re happy.’’ She smiled. ‘’Don’t we have to babysit Mason?’’

‘’Your mom is right, we gotta go. Your sister is dropping off Talia again.’’ He slightly groaned.

‘’When are you guys gonna tell Avery to stop doing that?’’ I asked them as I opened the front door for them.

 ‘’We still have to figure out how to do that without sounding rude.’’ My mom gave me a hug and walked towards their black BMW. I chuckled and hugged my dad.

 ‘’Thanks, dad, for everything.’’ I gratefully said.

‘’Anytime Lani,’’ he smiled and walked to the drivers seat to start the car and they drove off. As I closed the door, I looked around, still in awe because of how big and beautiful everything was. I grabbed my bag and decided to go to the store before I was glued to the couch once again.

 ——————–

I was happy that I didn’t have to walk that far to get to the nearest grocery store, about twenty minutes. However, when I was tired, it would seem forever to get there so I’m glad I have my driver’s license. I probably failed three times but I insisted on getting it because that way I didn’t have to rely on others. My brother, on the other hand, relies on me or my parents when it comes to transport. Even though he’s 26 and two years younger than me, he was more occupied on working his way into my dad his company. Just because Carter is his only son, doesn’t mean he has family privileges.

I always told myself ‘tomorrow’ when it came to making the decision to start eating healthy. But I got a brand new house, a fresh start, so why not start today?  My eyes wandered, looking at all the delicious, but at the same time unhealthy food. It wasn’t my goal to be walking towards the heavenly chocolate, but I eventually did since it was calling my name. I grabbed a bar of milk chocolate and looked at it, a whole war was started in my head whether I should take it or not.

‘’Not the most healthiest choice,’’ a deep voice said from behind me. I frowned and turned around, curious who the person was who approached me. My eyes met the dark brown ones of a tall, muscular, handsome man, dressed in what I would call ‘Sunday clothing’. A black t-shirt hugged his broad shoulders and slim waist, wearing black sweats as well. Dang, he looked good.

I chuckled and looked at the chocolate bar in my hand, ‘’Not the most healthiest choice no, I agree with you on that one, but oh so good.’’

‘’You got me there,’’ the man laughed. ‘’Chocolate is everyone’s sin, even mine.’’

‘’Wouldn’t say so,’’ I pointed at his muscular chest.

‘’Oh trust me, whenever I had a stressful day or I trained too much, the first thing I eat is chocolate.’’ He smiled as he shook his head. This man is truly gorgeous. ‘’Everything else looks pretty healthy,’ he nodded towards my shopping cart, filled with all kinds of fruits and vegetables.

‘’Gotta balance it right,’’ I shrugged and decided to take the chocolate bar as I added it to my healthy food. ‘’I’m Alani, by the way, I’m new in the neighborhood,’’ I reached for his hand and he gladly shook it.

‘’I figured,’’ he smiled, ‘’your house was being built right?’’

‘’Yeah, my dad recommended this area, saying it was the perfect spot to live; beautiful surroundings, everything is within walking distance, really friendly people,’’

‘’He couldn’t be more right. Especially the really friendly people part, you just met the friendliest of them all,’’ he winked, making me laugh. I shook my head and the two of us started to walk around in the supermarket while telling me small bits about the people who were present and also lived in the neighborhood. ‘’That over there is Mrs. Yell,’’ he pointed at the small, grey haired woman standing in the shelf of the cat and dog food. I frowned in confusion, not knowing what he was talking about. ‘’Everyone calls her Mrs. Yell because she literally yells every single day. If it’s not because her husband did something wrong, again, it’s because of the smallest bread crumb on her recently cleaned floor. She’ll find a reason to yell, so cherish the moments whenever she’s quiet cause they ain’t long.’’

‘’Sounds like the perfect company,’’ I joked. He laughed and we walked into another shelf. ‘’So mystery man, you haven’t told me your name yet.’’

‘’How rude am I,’’ he gasps as his hand covered his chest. ‘’I’m Joe, but my real name is actually Leati…but I also go by the name of Roman. So I have three names, you choose whatever you like to call me.’’ He leaned in and whispered, ‘’I prefer Joe tho.’’

‘’Impressive, Joe.’’ I nodded as I grabbed a bottle of Cola. ‘’Does each name have a different persona?

‘’You gotta find that out on your own, Alani,’’ he winked as we walked to the cash register. The gentleman he was, helped me to put everything in bags and even held them as we walked back to my place. The walk was filled with Joe talking about all the crazy stuff he experienced in this neighborhood and how he loved living here. I smiled at all the silly faces he made as he was telling me about that one time he visited his cousin and tried to make his one-year-old child laugh. The way he was talking was so pure and real, I already liked him.

‘’You can hand me my groceries now,’’ I chuckled as I stood in front of my house.

‘’Jheeze, your place looks like a millionaires place, it’s amazing,’’ he said stunned. ‘’Not even my place looks like this and I’m pretty rich,’’

‘’Master of bragging,’’ I laughed. Joe grinned as he handed me the grocery bags. ‘’So I think I’ll you around then.’’

‘’Definitely,’’ he smiled, ‘’What if I stop by tomorrow? You know, just for a cup of coffee and you can make me jealous by showing me around in your palace.’’

‘’Sounds good to me. What about 9 am?’’

‘’9 am it is,’’ he smiled warmly as he gave me a hug. ‘’If you need anything, don’t hesitate to knock on my door, I’m at the end of the street.’’

‘’Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.’’ I thankfully said. I waved at him as he walked off to his own house. I thanked my dad in my head as I opened the front door for convincing me to move here. Still not over the fact I probably met the most handsome man of the neighborhood, I walked into the kitchen with the plastic bags and put them on the counter.

‘’Since when did I became invisible to you?’’ A female voice said. My head shot back up as I looked at my phone, finding none other than my best friend standing in front of me. ‘’Wassup girl?’’ She smiled.

‘’Ava what are you doing here?’’ I asked confused but extremely excited. I walked from behind the big marble kitchen counter over to her, giving her a hug.

 Ava has been my friend since the day I started walking. Our parents are really close friends who met in college back in the days. She was like a sister to me and we were together 24/7 until the day she got accepted to the University of Southern California. I was absolutely thrilled for her, but not about the fact that we weren’t going to see each other that often anymore. We both made the promise to call each other every week, face time as much as we can and meet up monthly. But since we both did completely different things, it was hard to hold on to that promise. She wanted to get her degree in art and design, that totally fitted her since she has always been busy with painting and drawing.

Me at the other hand wanted to deepen myself in dance and music more. So when I was accepted to a private school that was specifically for those two things, I barely had time for anyone since it was really intensive. I enjoyed every moment of it since I was doing something I loved but hated it because it took so much of my time and energy. I still dance, sing and perform occasionally, it’s just that I decided to diminish everything a bit.

‘’Your parents told me you moved and gave me your address. But girl, why didn’t you tell me?’’ She smiled as she looked at me. ‘’Dang you look fine as hell, better than I remember.’’

‘’Oh please I look terrible,’’ I covered my face in my hands. I had no idea what she was talking about since I was wearing just a plain grey dress, my hair totally mess and bags under my eyes because of my lack of sleep. ‘’But thanks, A. And I’m sorry, I was so busy with everything; the house, helping my dad, bookings. I barely had time to sleep.’’

‘’That I see,’’ she joked as she sat down on the kitchen chair. ‘’I’m just messing with you, babe. So how is my best friend doing? How’s living here?’’

‘’She’s doing great; new house, new neighborhood, new people, I really enjoy it here.’’

‘’Good to hear,’’ she smiled and looked inside of the bags with food, ‘’so what will we be eating?’’

 ——————–

‘’Christ Lani, this tastes so damn good,“ Ava said with a mouth full. “Them Italian genes from your mom seemed to have kicked in for real.’’

‘’I ain’t a chef like my mom,’’ I laughed, ‘’it’s called having a meat-free dish.’’ I stopped eating meat for over two years and I feel amazing; I have more energy, I don’t get sick so often and I simply feel fresher. My mom struggled and forgot about the decision I made for like a month and unwarily added meat to her food. Eventually, she started to get used to it and only added meat in 50% of her dishes.

‘’I’ll keep it at Italian genes,’’ she chuckled as she zapped through the channels. ‘’This TV looks like a cinema. I’m gonna ask your dad to build a house for me as well.’’

‘’Good luck with that,’’ Knowing my dad isn’t the easiest person to persuade. ‘’Wait, wait, hold on. Go back,’’ I suddenly said as I saw a familiar face passing by. Ava frowned and did what I asked her, even more,confused by my reaction. I chuckled and shook my head. ‘’Oh my god,’’

 ‘’What?’’

‘’That’s Joe,’ my jaw dropped as I saw him on TV. ‘’I met him this afternoon in the supermarket, he lives at the end of the street,’’

‘’No he doesn’t,’’ she said, not believing me. As she was about to say something else, she saw I wasn’t joking. ‘’Girl…You’re not telling me that you met Roman fucking Reigns in the supermarket and that he lives in your street.’’

‘’It’s true,’’ I simply said as I watched him; his hair was loose and wet, unlike today. He looked so different from the person I’ve met and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t find him attractive.

‘’Lani you’re a lucky ass woman,’’ she grinned as she continued eating. Little did I know

———-

Tag List

@fivefootxo @hoodgirl163 @irenelove83 @greatbreadwizard @quavoswifeee

[snickerl]

Blutendes Herz II

XF fan fiction

Same scenario like in Blutendes Herz (Bleeding Heart) - Mulder has to face another man in Scully’s life - different plot.

Part I can be read here.

You wipe your palms on your thighs and stare at the numbers at the apartment door: three - seven - nine. It’s your first time here and you’re suddenly not so sure anymore that this is such a good idea. You thought it was a splendid idea about an hour ago when you left your house, climbed into your car and drove over here. You still thought it was a very good idea fifteen minutes ago when you started looking for a parking space, cursing the constant lack of it in the downtown area. You kept thinking it was a solid idea ten seconds ago when you knocked.

And now?

Now you’re convinced that this is one of the worst ideas you’ve ever had, but now it’s too late. Even if you started running down the hallway this very second, she’d notice it was you. You hear her footsteps approaching the door on the other side and in a blink of an eye the door will open and she will be able to see who knocked. All you can do is take a deep breath and try to stay calm.

She won’t tear your head off, will she?

The door swings open and the woman you haven’t seen in almost a year is standing in front of you, looking flummoxed as if she was seeing a ghost. Well, maybe you are a ghost.

“Mulder?”

“Uhm, yes. Hello, Scully,” you mumble self-consciously, staring at your feet.

“What are you doing here?”

The consternation in her voice hurts you a bit.

“I…uh, I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d bring you this.”

You hand her the little paper bag which has been clutched in your hands. It’s crumpled and damp from your sweaty palms. You know now that it’s so silly but a few hours ago it seemed to be the perfect pretext for you to drop by here.

She takes the bag from you, peeks inside, and frowns. “My shower gel and shampoo?”

“You forgot them when you…when you…uh,” you stammer helplessly.

What have you been thinking? That she wouldn’t survive without her shower gel and shampoo? That she hadn’t known what to do without them all those months? That she wouldn’t be perfectly able to walk into the next Walmart and get a new set? Actually, you notice she did fine without them because a scent of coconut and peach reaches your nose. Oh, how you love that smell! It’s unmistakably a mixture of Dove Coconut & Cream and Herbal Essences Peach Blossom. When you missed her so badly that you were hardly able to cope with her absence, you would take a sniff at those started bottles in the shower, the ones you never removed just in case she returned.

“And you thought I was so much in need of them just now?”

“They’re your favorites. At least, they used to be.”

“They still are,” she sighs and with a slight smile she eventually asks you, “do you want to come in?”

“Thank you,” you say before you take tentative steps inside her apartment, the place she fled to after she’d left you. You look around. It reminds you of her place in Georgetown all those years back. Same decorating style, same ambiance. You feel beamed two decades back to the beginning of your partnership when invading her private space felt awkward.

“Nice place,” you hear yourself say. ‘I hate it’ you want to add but you swallow the words.

“Thank you.”

She doesn’t know how to handle the situation just like you, you realize.

“Am I coming amiss?”

Of course, you are. You came here unannounced, what did you expect? That she would fall into your arms whispering a relieved 'finally’ into your ear as if she’s only been waiting for you to show up?

“No, I…uh, I was just getting ready for…uhm… Well, don’t bother,” she mumbles, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Oh boy, is she tensed-up and nervous. This is definitely inconvenient for her. She was getting ready for something. For what? A shift at the hospital? A ride to the grocery store? A meeting with her mom?

“Something important? Do you want me to leave?” you feel obliged to ask and pray she’ll say no.

“No…uhm, you can stay. There’s still some time before I have to…” She inhales deeply to steady her voice before she looks at you, asking with her exhale, “tea?”

You nod. She doesn’t want to tell you where she’s supposed to go, that much is clear. But why?

You don’t know what to say so you look around while she fills the kettle and puts it on the stove. The way the apartment is decorated is so Scully, from the antique wooden furniture, the comfortable couch with the thick pillows, the plushy rugs, the floral patterns of the drapes and the candles everywhere. What stings is that you don’t recognize anything from your house, not a single item. No crystal vase, no picture frame, not even one of those dust catchers she found at one of the many flea markets she dragged you to. There’s nothing here that would remind her of her life at the house you finally settled down in after years of running from the devil. You have to acknowledge that there’s nothing here to remind her of her life with you.

And then you notice it. There’s a huge bouquet of red roses residing in the middle of the coffee table in front of the couch, and suddenly everything makes sense.

The coconut'n'peach smell on her comes from the shower she had just taken. Her hair is nicely blown-dry and her makeup is immaculate. She wears the pearl earrings her parents gave her for her graduation from med school. She’s still barefoot, in sweat pants and t-shirt, but there’s a black cocktail dress draped over the sofa’s backrest waiting to be slipped on and a polished pair of stiletto heels is standing next to it. Even if you weren’t a highly skilled profiler, solving this riddle wouldn’t be too difficult. She was getting ready for a date.

“You’re seeing someone,” you state.

She sucks in a sharp breath. A look in her face is enough for you to understand you’re right.

“A doctor?”

“Mulder,” she moans instead of an answer.

“Tell me, Scully, I can handle it,” you insist but you’re not really convinced of what you just said.

“Sit down, Mulder. Here’s your tea,” she tells you handing you a steaming mug.

You let yourself fall onto the couch. It’s nice and comfortable but you feel as if you’re sitting on a bed of nails. You stare at the flowers. Three dozen, you count. Three dozen of long-stemmed red roses. How cliché!

You never bought her roses. You always thought she didn’t attach much value to such token gestures of romance. You drove through half of the city to get bee pollen for her, you billed more than one motel room to your private credit card to accommodate her in a nicer surrounding than the usual fleabags the FBI was paying for, you donated sperm for her to become pregnant at a time she was still just your co-worker, but you never brought home flowers, let alone red roses.

You can’t tear your eyes away from the flowers with their deep red petals exuding a scent almost overshadowing Scully’s. They look perfect, like from a Valentine’s Day ad in a flower shop window. They practically scream at you how much the person who gave them to her adores her.

“So, tell me about this new guy in your life.”

You feel like a masochist asking for corporal punishment. You know what you’re about to hear is going to hurt like hell. She also seems to be aware of what her words are going to do to you. She’s hesitant, reluctant even to tell you, but you won’t be convinced to let go. You’re going to pry until you know the complete truth, no matter how painful it will be. You know it, and she knows it.

She inhales deeply, chews her bottom lip and eventually sighs in surrender. “His name his Mark. He’s a real estate agent. We had dinner a few times.”

“Dinner…I see.”

Her eyes follow yours which are going back to the roses again, and she obviously decides it’s useless to go on beating around the bush. The bouquet speaks for itself.

“Okay, Mulder, if you really need to know, here you go: yes, Mark and I are dating.”

Mark and I. Three three innocent words, actually, but the combination of them coming out of her mouth does something to you. You swallow. You knew there was a man in her life from the moment you noticed those roses, but having her say it feels like she’s stabbing a knife into your heart and twisting it. You don’t understand why you’re so baffled since you’ve been expecting it.

Your Scully is dating someone. God, she hasn’t dated in ages. The transition of your relationship from one of platonic fellow agents to passionate lovers had come along without a single date and throughout the seven years prior, she had had exactly three dates. Yes, you were counting them, you sorry son of a bitch.

“For how long?” you ask although you know it’s none of your business. You have no right to interrogate her about a life you’re no longer a part of. You’re surprised she even answers.

“Just three months.”

That’s apparently what the three dozen are for.

“How did you meet him?”

When you imagined what she was doing in this new life of hers, her life apart from you, you somehow expected her to be working day and night. She’d always buried herself with work to distract herself when something in her private life went wrong. You pictured her eating, sleeping and working, having dinner with her mother once in a while at most or going to Sunday Mass. Socializing, with men, outside the hospital was outside your imagination. Where the hell did she meet a real estate agent? Maybe this Mark was a patient who developed a crush on the pretty lady doctor who relieved him from the pain of his hernia.

“I was looking for an apartment and he was the real estate agent at the other side of the desk. He showed me a few properties, including this one here, and after I signed the lease he invited me to dinner. That’s it.”

“A first date?”

“It was just dinner, Mulder. Do you really believe I jumped into another man’s arms two weeks after I moved out?”

“But now you’re dating. Officially.”

“If you want to call it that, yes.”

There’s an awkward silence spreading in the room. Funny, back then, the silence between the two of you was never awkward. Even if it was an angry silence, it was just angry, not awkward.

Your contemplations are interrupted by a knock at the door. Three short knocks followed by a longer pause and then another two knocks. Like a Morse code. You have an idea who it might be, and so does she. You see her suck in her breath. She tries to suppress a moan but it slips out of her throat anyway.

She thinks you can’t handle meeting him, fears you’re going to make a scene. She didn’t want the two of you to meet for sure, but you almost burst out of curiosity. What kind of man has been able to conquer Dana Scully’s heart? Is he a bit like you or a completely different person? You don’t know what would bother you more.

Your eyes follow her on her way to the door. She seems to move in slow motion clearly dreading the encounter of the former and the current man in her life. When she’s in front of the door, her shoulders rise and fall with one last deep breath, then she turns the knob and opens the door.

“Hi there,” she’s greeted cheerfully.

He can’t see you because Scully is standing in the way, and despite her tiny body your slouched figure on the sofa is completely hidden by her.

“What’s taken you so long?” you hear the man ask. His voice is deep and strong, tinted by a slight accent you can’t quite figure out. “Am I too early? Why aren’t you dressed, baby? I thought I was to pick you up at 6:30.”

Baby? She lets him call her baby?

You called her that once, a few days after your first passionate night together, and she wholeheartedly laughed you in the face. 'Seriously, Mulder?’ she said to you, 'you really think you’re in a position now to use this idiotic word about me just because you made me come last night?’ You never called her that again. It remained to be Mulder and Scully between you no matter what your relationship consisted of - partnership, friendship, romance, something resembling a marriage and consequently a divorce. She had dozens of different ways to pronounce your name and only from the sound of it you could tell whether she was amused, scared, annoyed, mad, horny, disappointed, worried, content, or experiencing one of a million more sentiments.

She leaves his questions unanswered, ushers him in instead. He walks into the living room without any hesitancy or awkwardness, much more self-confident than you earlier. He feels comfortable here, steers directly to the spot where you’re sitting at the coffee table, the table his red roses are decking so prominently. When he sees you, he stops in his tracks.

“Oh,” he utters in surprise, “I didn’t know you had a visitor, Dana.”

“Yeah, well, that’s why I’m running late,” she says.

He makes a step forward and stretches his hand out for you to shake. “Mark Finlay,” he introduces himself without any discomfort or rejection in his voice.

Mark. What a nicely normal name, you think. Not peculiar like yours, one people furrow their brows at.

“My name’s Mulder, Fox Mulder.”

“Nice to meet you, Fox. Are you a friend of Dana’s?” No brow-furrowing whatsoever from him.

“I go by Mulder, actually, and yes, Scully and I used to be friends, although I can’t really say if we still are.”

“Mulder…” she sighs.

“Mulder and Scully,” Mark repeats with some surprise, letting your names roll off his tongue. “You call each other by your last names? That’s weird.”

“We used to be partners when we were with the FBI. It’s not so weird there,” you hear her telling him only half the truth.

“I see. How long haven’t you seen each other?”

“Eleven months, two weeks, and five days,” you hear yourself say, unable to tell what made you. Scully moans and now Mark does furrow his brows.

As soon as the words have tumbled out of your mouth you know it was a mistake. You made yourself vulnerable to him, and what’s even worse, you put Scully into a compromising position. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together to figure out that Mulder and Scully were more than just co-workers, and Mark is able to do the math.

“Uh, what was that, man?” he asks, his voice not so gentle anymore. You can’t blame him.

“Mark,” Scully starts, looking at her…at her…her what? Boyfriend? Lover? Partner? “Mulder and I worked together but we were also a couple for fifteen years. We separated-”

“You moved out,” you cut in and correct her, worsening the situation even more.

“-I moved out about a year ago. That’s why I came to your agency. I needed a place to stay.”

“Oh, so the long-term relationship you told me about, the one you were having troubles leaving behind you, that’s him,” he concludes, tilting his head in your direction.

Scully nods silently.

“And today is the first time you see each other after eleven months-”

“-two weeks, five days, and,” you look at your watch, “eight hours.”

“Yes,” she confirms again, probably not your precise time specification though. Actually, she shoots you a warning look. You’d even be able to tell the seconds - forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven - but you already overdid it, so you keep the seconds to yourself while they pass stoically. Fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five.

“I see.”

You’re an Oxford graduate with a degree in psychology, you have no problems following this man’s train of thought. He takes a closer look at you to assess you and your intentions, trying to evaluate whether you are a threat to him or not. Obviously, Scully hasn’t told him anything about your relationship other than that it was difficult for her to get over the failure of it. He’s as curious of you as you are of him. He asks himself what kind of man she had fallen for before and he questions your presence here.

“Ah, well, I guess you have a lot to talk about then. Do you want me to leave you alone?” As neither of you tells him to stay, he clumsily turns to Scully. “I’ll call you tomorrow, honey,” he says, “maybe we can meet for lunch?”

Your insides tie a knot when you hear him use another affectionate nickname for her. The credit he’s giving you impresses you, though, or maybe he knows Scully already well enough to trust her. If manners weren’t so damn useless right now, you would offer to leave. You are the intruder here, not him. He had a date with her, you came unannounced, but you want to talk to her so badly and you fear you will never get another chance, so you let him go through with it. You gladly notice that she nods at him.

“It was nice meeting you, Fox…uh, M-mulder,” he says, looking at you with an intense stare that makes absolutely clear he’s leaving only for the moment and not for you to take her back.

“Yeah,” is all you reply. He’s a nice guy, no question about it, but you wished you would’ve never had to make his acquaintance.

Scully walks him to the door. You’re polite enough to give them some privacy and turn your back to them, although the suspense is killing you. You’d like to watch them interact, it’d give your psychologist’s mind more information about the quality of their relationship and level of intimacy, but you also have manners. They don’t keep you from straining your ears though to eavesdrop on their whispered words.

“I’m so sorry, Mark. He came here totally unexpected. I was just getting ready when he knocked at the door.”

“It’s alright, love. That is, if you want me to throw him out, I’ll gladly do so.”

“No, we do actually have to talk. Life hasn’t exactly been good to him, to neither of us. He’s been to dark, depressing places and I’m glad he’s made the first step out of his shell. It’s just that the timing’s not perfect.”

“You sound very compassionate, Dana. Do I have to be worried?”

“No, there’s no need for you to worry about anything.”

“But you still care a lot for him, don’t you? Although you left him.”

“If you knew what Mulder and I have been through, you’d understand. You have to trust me, Mark. I need to sort a few things out with him. I want…I need us to be friends.”

“Wow, I can’t imagine wanting to be friends with my ex. I’m a bit anxious about leaving you alone with him, to be honest.”

“You wouldn’t be if you knew all the circumstances.”

“Enlighten me!”

“Not now, Mark. I will. One day. I promise, but it’s very complicated and parts of our history together are very sad. I can’t do this in passing, and certainly not whispering to you while Mulder’s sitting in my living-room.”

“Alright, I content myself until you’re ready to confide in me, if…you promise to wear that breath-taking black dress I spied on your couch when you do.”

You can hear the sly grin in his voice and the smacking sound of a kiss shortly thereafter.

“Call me when it gets out of hand or ugly. I can be here quickly if he dares to lay a hand on you.”

You catch a soft chuckle from Scully. “That won’t happen, Mark. Ever. Mulder might seem a bit deranged to you but he’s a good person. He’d rather cut his hand off than hurt me.”

The way she defends you makes you warm all over.

You can’t blame him, though. He’s about to leave the woman he loves alone with a man who makes the impression of, to put it mildly, not being totally clear in his head. Your meticulous timekeeping of the moment Scully moved out didn’t exactly help him to trust in your intentions. You can’t decide whether his leaving astonishes you in a good or in a bad way, whether he’s an idiot quitting the field for another man or someone who deserves admiration for the trust he has in her. If you were in his shoes, you’d most certainly take yourself by the scruff of your neck and throw yourself out. Maybe he’s just not such a pathetic alpha male like you are.

There’s another smacking sound and you hear him hum delightfully.

“Mark,” she whispers somewhat out of breath. God, did he kiss her that hard? The cinema in your head makes you dig your fingertips into your palms with so much force your nails leave deep dents in them.

“Love you, baby.”

Your self-control is put to a severe test. 'This baby belongs to me,’ you want to yell at him. At least you’re spared to ear-witness her say the same to him as she answers him with only as much as an non-committal 'uh huh’ before she closes the door, probably out of consideration for you. You hear her take a deep inhale before she steps back into your field of vision.

“I’m terribly sorry, Scully. I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.”

Honestly, you’re glad the guy is gone.

“You’re not ruining my evening, Mulder.”

“What were you guys up to?”

“A vernissage. Mark has a friend who is an artist with an exhibition at Monroe Gallery. Well, I guess we can do it anytime, save the free champagne.”

She smirks at you and you actually do feel bad that you confounded her plans. You know that she likes the fine arts, that she enjoys going to classical concerts, galleries, and book readings. You’ve never taken her, it’s not your cup of tea. It’s his, apparently.

“I didn’t come here to mess up your evening plans, Scully. I should’ve been one leaving, not your…” No, you can’t bring yourself to pronounce the word.

“Well, Mulder, what did you come here for?”

“I…”

“Yes?”

You might as well say it. “I needed to see you, Scully. It’s been a year, for Christ’s sake. I missed you, that’s all.”

She closes her eyes, pinches the bridge of her nose and swallows hard before she speaks. “I missed you too, Mulder.”

“Seriously?”

She looks at you, her eyes pleading with you. “Tell me you know why I left, that it wasn’t because I didn’t care for you anymore.”

“I kinda figured that out together with my therapist. Took me a while though.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?”

“Yes. Twice a week.”

“That’s good, Mulder. That’s very good. Are you getting better?”

The honest concern in her voice makes your stomach flip.

“I am. You were right with everything you said, Scully. The shrink, the medication, the getting more sleep and eating healthier food. I even started running again. I haven’t turned the corner yet, but I’m getting there.”

She spares you a triumphant 'I told you so’. Actually, there’s nothing resembling triumph or smugness in her eyes, no 'I knew it’ or 'you should’ve listened to me’ on her face, instead tears are pooling in her eyes mirroring a heavy sadness you can’t make anything of.

“What? Aren’t you happy for me?”

“I’m very happy for you, Mulder. I was so worried. You didn’t answer my calls, you never handed in the prescriptions I sent you. I feared you’d sink deeper and deeper into this depression up to the point you’d…” she trails off but you know where she was going with this.

You won’t tell her that you’ve actually been at this point she’s unable to speak out. You remember that night you didn’t see any fair reason to go on. You had no job, no family, your Scully was gone. You didn’t have a life, all you had was this house she’d left to you and a miserable existence that caused you far more pain than anything else. The gun in your hand felt like the ultimate solution to your suffering, the cold, hard steel against your hot skin soothing in a way. You thought that if you ate a bullet, it would relieve you, would lift all the burden off your shoulders and give you final peace. Then a brief moment of sanity came over you and in front of your mind’s eye you saw how Scully would take the news when some blunt police detective called her as your next of kin. You asked yourself how much more pain you wanted to cause her and suddenly the road you had to take was crystal clear. You secured the hammer, put the gun on the coffee table in front of you and stared at it for hours. This lonesome night marked the beginning of your healing process.

“So, then why are you crying?” you ask while brushing a tear off her cheek with your thumb, thrilled that she lets you.

“I’m crying because I had to leave you for you to admit to yourself that you needed treatment. My being there couldn’t do it, only my absence. Why, Mulder? It used to be just the other way around all those years. We used to give each other strength, not paralyze each other.”

“I’m still trying to find the answer to this phenomenon, Scully. The shrink is not letting me off the hook with this, I can tell you. What I have already figured out though is that you are the sole reason I’m still here. Your absence left a hole so vast in me that I couldn’t ignore the pain any longer. Believe me, I had tried many ways to numb it, none had worked. One day I decided to give it a shot and called the number you’d written down for me. It was still stuck to the fridge.”

“Imagine where we could be if you had called Doctor Summers the day I gave you her number. We could still be together.”

How often have you asked this what-if question yourself? Hundreds of times? Thousands? You’ve learned from said Doctor Summers that what-if questions are not only useless but counterproductive. They keep you from accepting what is and from changing what’s in your power to change. The past can’t be influenced anymore, only the future, and that’s what you’re determined to do. You want to build your future life, and you want her to be in it.

“We could work on getting back together. That is…if you want us back together.”

She looks at you with a mixture of astonishment and incomprehension.

“What?” you ask. “Would it be so out of the realms of possibility?”

“I’m in a relationship with a very gentle man who has been very patient with me. I can’t drop him like a hot potato.”

No, of course, she can’t. She’s far too decent and kind to treat another person like this. She hadn’t jumped into this new thing light-heartedly, she really likes this very gentle, patient man. She’s gotten involved with him for his sake, not to get over you.

Nausea makes itself felt, you have problems swallowing because of the lump forming in your throat. Has it taken you too long? Have you lost her to another man because you didn’t get your act together fast enough? Does she not only like him but has she fallen in love with him? Scully doesn’t fall in love easily - head over heels and love at first sight are not her concepts really - but when Scully loves, she loves unrestrictedly and unconditionally. You were at the receiving end of her love and she defended it against everyone who dared to question it; her peers, her superiors, her brother. You won’t stand a chance against Mark if she loves him, so you have to ask.

“You can’t drop him or you don’t want to?”

“Both. Mulder! You can’t just come here, tell me you want us back together, and expect me to leave everything and everyone behind and follow you home.”

“So…it’s over. Between us, I mean.”

You wince.

“That’s not what I said.”

You gasp.

“Then what did you say, Scully?”

“I like Mark, and I enjoy being with him.”

She likes him - okay. She enjoys being with him - this you need to be clarified.

“Are you sleeping with him?”

You look into two crystal blue eyes so boring through you they make you shiver. Of course, you know you overstepped the mark. It’s absolutely none of your business, but you need to know, so you insist regardless.

“Are you?”

You tilt your head and peek at the roses on the table, pursing your lips and arching your eyebrows. She follows your line of sight, still clearly pissed off by your question. She keeps her eyes on the flowers for a long moment, then sighs audibly.

“Okay, Mulder, if you feel like you want to know…not that I owe you any explanation…but yes, Mark and I have sex.”

Now that you know you wished you hadn’t asked. You give a short, bitter chuckle.

“What? Are you expecting me to live in isolation just like you?”

“Maybe.”

“I wasn’t looking for this, Mulder, believe me. But you know what? It’s nice to be paid attention to. You didn’t even look at me anymore. You took for granted that I was there but you didn’t notice me anymore, let alone reciprocate in any way.”

“And he looks,” you state, unable to keep that disparaging ring out of your voice.

“Yes, he does. He looks at me, notices me, realizes I’m there. He’s made me feel like a desirable woman again.” She holds your gaze for a moment and you see more pain in her eyes than you’re able to deal with. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“I didn’t make you feel like a desirable woman?” The question leaves a bitter aftertaste on your tongue.

“Oh, you did, Mulder,” she breathes, and you see the sweet memory flicker in her eyes for a brief moment. “God, you made me feel so alive at a time I didn’t want to live. After William was gone, I feared I’d never be able to feel anything again, that I had become completely numb inside. It was the intensity of your love and passion that gave me the strength to love you back and to go on living, but your passion eroded over time. Not your love, I was always sure of your love for me, but I didn’t feel your passion anymore. In the end, your world had shrunk to this little room full of dusty files, blurred photographs, and yellowed newspaper clippings. I could step into this room but I couldn’t enter your world. You didn’t let me in, neither did you come into my world anymore. You’d drifted away from me so much, I didn’t know how to reach out to you. We’d lost our connection.”

Her voice has become very quiet, the last words were a mere whisper. It speaks for the suffering all of this caused her. You don’t have anything to say to this. You bite the inside of your cheek until you taste blood.

“I missed our physicality, Mulder, and you didn’t even realize it. In the end, I craved it so much, it ached. It’s a good feeling to be again touched and kissed. I enjoy being looked at, being told I’m beautiful and wanted.”

Every word feels like a slap in your face. You deserve it, there’s no doubt about it. You didn’t give her what she needed, so living with you had become unbearable for her. You drove her away from you and finally out of the house. It’s all your fault.

This insight doesn’t come as a surprise to you. You’ve already figured all of this out together with Doctor Summers. She’d put her finger right in the wound and poked at the raw flesh until you were honest with yourself. It was a difficult step you refused to take for quite a while, but after having walked down that road you started getting better. It had been the first step forward of many and there are still hundreds more for you to make. If you want to heal completely, you have to run a marathon.

“I’m in the process of becoming the person I used to be, Scully. I can make up for the way I made you feel, I promise I will. You’ll be treasured and desired like never before. I’ll do whatever you want me to do…meditate, eat bee pollen, burn every single X-File in the filing cabinet. You name it, I’ll do it. Just give me a chance to prove how much I’ve returned to my former self in the past year, to the person you once loved. Please!”

God, you’re pathetic, begging for her affection like this. But what else can you do? You’re desperate and scared to death that you’ve irretrievably lost her. Not to cancer, the aliens or any dark forces but to another man who happened to be there for her at a time you could only deal with your own issues and with nobody else’s, not even hers.

Oh, how you hate this fucking depression!

She sees what’s going on in your head. She’s always been able to read you like a book, your separation hasn’t changed that. Your plea has touched her. Tears are brimming in her eyes.

“Don’t do this for me, Mulder. I can’t be the sole reason for you to be willing to heal. It’s too much of a burden. You have to do it for your own sake, because you want to get better. And by the way…” She cups your face with a hand and caresses your cheek gently with her thumb, “I’ve never stopped loving you, even when this damned depression had turned you into someone I didn’t recognize anymore.”

You’re paralyzed. You forget to breathe. “You still love me?” you finally croak.

“Of course, Mulder,” she tells you with a smile, “that will never change. But we can’t be together unless you have this illness completely under control. I couldn’t help you back then and I can’t do it right now. I see your progress, but you’re far away from being through, and you know it yourself. I’m more than willing to support you as your friend and physician, but I can’t be more than that. Not now.”

“But…one day?”

“If you expect me to give you a guarantee, I can’t. There are no guarantees when it comes to personal relationships. I once thought ours was indestructible, but it wasn’t. I can’t foresee our future, Mulder, all I know is that you will always be a part of my life. As my best friend, my partner in crime, my son’s father. You’re the one and only person who knows every scarred side of my soul. Maybe…maybe one day you can be my perfect other again. It’s not impossible, but it depends on so many factors that I don’t dare to predict let alone promise anything. I don’t know how far Mark and I will go. What I do know is that I’m humbly happy as it is right now and that I want to give this a try. Can you live with that?”

Can you?

“No promises, Mulder, only chances.”

You have to let this sink in for a moment before you’re able to answer, but then you know exactly where it leaves you.

“When has the fact that I didn’t know where the road ahead would lead me to ever stopped me, Scully?”

The corners of her mouth rise into one of those lovely smiles that make the bridge of her nose crease and you’re thrilled because this smile is genuine, and it’s meant for you, and the best thing is, you have elicited it from her. You haven’t done this in a very long time. After having made her sad for you don’t know how long, you eventually made her feel good again, you made her smile. If that isn’t a valid first step. There might be a million steps more for you to take, but you’re willing to face every single one. Uphill, downhill, through the desert or the Antarctic, you might do a step or two backward at times, but you will keep going. And you will be your former self again. Maybe you’ll end up with a reformed version of Fox William Mulder even, freed of some of the traumas of your past that had pushed you to the dark place of complete hopelessness you’d been in a few months ago.

“You know me, Scully. The smaller the chance, the more unlikely the theory, the more determined I am to show you I was right.”

“Yes…yes, I know you do, and I rely on it.”

You lock your eyes with hers in one of those looks you used to give each other in another life, before the loss of a child and the impediments of an existence in seclusion had taken their toll on your relationship. You connected gazing at each other like this at a time you were each other’s touchstones, and maybe this means that you still are.

All has been said, that’s why you stand up and move in the direction of the door. When you reach it, you desperately try to think of something else to talk about - the weather, the last book you read, medical research - it doesn’t matter, something, anything, just to have a reason to stay. You turn around and find her right behind you, her delicate hand already reaching for the door knob. It seems you’ve missed your chance to prolong your being here, but then she catches you off-guard when she leans in. For a split-second you think she’s going to kiss you on the lips which she isn’t doing, of course, she’s in a relationship with another man, but she kisses you on the forehead.

The nerve endings start shooting electrical sparks through your body the moment her soft lips make contact with your skin. The forehead kiss has lost nothing of its magic, you realize. It’s as intimate an act as ever. You shared a lot of those before you turned your relationship from one of co-workers into one of lovers. More than once, you wanted to travel from her forehead to her lips but never dared. Once you almost did it, but then a bee carrying a deadly virus came in the way. You can’t explain why today of all days you feel bold enough to make the journey, but before you’re able to rethink, your lips are on hers and the familiar, much longed for sensation is your undoing.

You cannot do anything against it, your body acts on its own. Your hands go into her hair, your body presses her small frame against the front door she wanted to usher you out of mere seconds ago, and your tongue slides over her lips. You’ve ceased thinking, you’re acting on pure instinct and the sensation is too overwhelming for you to be able to stop. You hear Scully moan quietly. Her knees buckle and bump into your shins. When you feel her tongue caressing yours and her body melting into yours, all you want to do is carry her into the bedroom and devour her.

From the depths of your conscience, various memories make it to the surface with a vengeance: how soft her naked skin feels, how her warmth used to envelop you, how you became one when you were buried deep inside her. You’ve lost your grip on the world around you, of time and space. You plunge head-on into the sensation the moment offers you, although there’s this voice at the back of your head telling you that this is not right. It’s yelling at you that overwhelming her with your yearning for her is not fair. You’re playing her off against her emotions, taking advantage of the soft spot she still has for you.

Not fair!

The voice is demanding of you to stop, to stop it right now before she lets you carry the matter too far and compromise her. It’s the most difficult thing you had to do ever, but you grab her shoulders to push your bodies apart and pull back, your mouth leaving hers with a loud smack. Her head falls back and bangs against the door. She’s panting with her eyes closed. Her hair is disheveled, her cheeks rosy and her lips swollen. She looks so alluring that it takes all your willpower not to crush your lips right back onto hers.

Both of you are gasping for air, Scully with her back leaned against the door, you frozen into a pillar of salt. You can’t believe what you just did. You wronged the women who offered you her friendship overpowering her with your frenzied, base lusts. You stare at her, guilt-stricken and self-conscious. In the not so unlikely case that she throws you out of her apartment and tells you that she doesn’t want to see you ever again, you couldn’t complain.

It takes her a while to recompose herself and to get her breathing back under control. You startle when her eyes suddenly jump open and two pools of blue transfix you. “God, Mulder,” she breathes and you hear shock and disbelief in her voice.

“I’m sorry, Scully, so sorry. I’m beyond sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Please, forgive me. You have to forgive me,” you beg.

She takes another deep inhale without taking her eyes off of you. You can’t read from her face. There’s no way for you to predict how she’s going to react. When she starts to speak, you hold your breath.

“And I thought I would have to go to bed unkissed tonight after Mark had left,” she says with a deadpan expression.

“I’m such an asshole, Scully. I don’t know what had gotten into me.”

Her left eyebrow shoots up. “You don’t know why you kissed me?”

“Of course I do, but I’m not sure you want to hear it.”

Another moment of silence occurs, the unspoken words billowing between you before she speaks again. “Mulder, don’t look at me like you’ve been told you can’t have ice cream for breakfast.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. I didn’t exactly fight back, did I? It was…nice. I’ve almost forgotten what a great kisser you are, but…” she licks her lips, “…this doesn’t change anything of what I said earlier.”

“I listened to what you said, Scully, and I understood. I’m not going to get this wrong, but I will live off it for a long time. The memory will keep me going. The notion of being allowed to kiss you like this again some day in the future will push me further.”

“Mulder-”

“No promises,” you interrupt her, “only chances, I know. That’s enough for me. For now.”

Her lips rise into a tight-lipped smile. “You never cease to amaze me, Mulder.”

“I should jolly well hope so!”

She shakes her head and chuckles. “What I would’ve missed if I hadn’t accepted that assignment to work with one Fox Spooky Mulder all those years ago.”

“You would’ve been spared quite a bit, Scully.”

“But I would’ve missed so much more. Mulder…I regret nothing.”

She keeps telling you this, using different words like 'I’d do it all over again’ or 'I wouldn’t have wanted another life’, but always meaning that she’s happy with how everything has turned out. Despite her reassuring you, sometimes you have problems believing it, picturing the life she could have had as a mother to a bunch of beautiful children and a wife to a nice guy. To someone like Mark.

Mark.

Time for you to quit the field. Leaving you alone with her, Mark had demonstrated a certain amount of trust in you, a trust you bitterly betrayed. He’s most certainly waiting for her to call him to let him know everything is alright.

Will she tell him about the kiss? Probably not as it isn’t the beginning of something, it’s no threat to their relationship. You tasted a bit of what your past relationship consisted of when times were good and being together was all that was important. Maybe - maybe - you’ve also tasted some of your future, you don’t know. You hope, but you can’t be sure.

You’re willing to let her try a normal life. A life with a well-situated, good-looking real estate agent who asks her for dates, who brings her flowers and calls her by her first name. You face the risk of losing her to that mundane kind of life, to a life without monsters and conspiracies where the darkness retreats with every sunrise and doesn’t linger on for the entire day, darkening the sky with its heavy, gray clouds. With that risk you have to live, it’s the only chance you have to win her back.

“What if you put that beautiful black dress on and I gave you a ride to the art gallery you told me about? Call Mark and tell him you’re going to meet him there. The night is still young, you can still have a glass of free champagne.”

She tilts her head and squints one eye suspiciously. “Mulder, are you serious?”

“I materialise in front of your door out of thin air with the lame excuse of bringing you two half empty bottles of shampoo and shower gel, I chase your spiffy date away, I yammer about how tough my life is without you, and as if this wasn’t enough, I pin you to the door mounting some kind of kissing attack on you…I’d say I owe you one.”

You meant every word you said and are therefore veritably flabbergasted that your admission is obviously amusing her. A grin tugs at the corners of her mouth she desperately tries to suppress, in vain. Eventually, she chuckles.

“And I told Mark you’d never lay a hand on me.”

“Yeah, well, a slight misconception from your side. I would cut my hand off, though, rather than hurt you.”

She gasps. “You heard us?”

“It was impossible not to hear you. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Good, good. So…uh, what about that lift to the gallery?”

“Thanks for offering, but no. I’d rather spend the rest of the evening alone. I need to contemplate a few things.”

“Okay. Fine. Uhm…are we good?”

“Sure, Mulder, we’re good.”

“Great. Would you mind if I ever dropped by again? I’d even issue a pre-warning.”

She emits another amused chuckle. “I’d appreciate an announcement, but don’t call it a warning. I don’t need to be warned of you. Just let me know when you’re on your way over so I can get dressed and have the tea ready when you get here.”

“You could also drive out to the house. There’s still some of the organic green tea in the pantry, the one you like so much.”

“I’d like that.”

“Me too,” you reply shyly.

Like it? You’d be thrilled to entertain her. You might even bake an apple pie for her following her mother’s recipe which Maggie wrote down some years ago for you on the inside of one of the few cookbooks you had.

“Bye, Mulder. Thanks for stopping by. Despite the…uh…unexpected circumstances, it was good to see you. I’m glad we found a common ground again.”

She turns around to open the door, exposing her reverse side and the special spot you’ve touched a million times at the small of her back. Your hand goes there as if remote-controlled. You could swear you feel her shudder and it feels so familiar for a moment, but this time you come to your senses in time. Everything is different now, so you remove your hand and give her shoulder a friendly squeeze when you walk past her through the door into the hallway.

“Bye, Scully. Thanks for everything.”

“Take care, Mulder.”

You exchange one last look, then she closes the door and her face is replaced by the numbers you stared at two hours ago: three - seven - nine. You look at your watch and set it to stopwatch mode. The timer tells you it’s been eleven months, two weeks, five days, ten hours, fourteen minutes and twenty-five seconds since she left. You press the little button again to reset, it says 0:00:00 now. You press it again and the time starts running.

[thedarkestforest420]

My history on how I got this f*cked up

I know I don’t have a lot of followers since this is my new account, but if you do follow me you don’t have to read this. I don’t even know why I'm doing this, it’s just an idea I got and decided do go through with. Btw I’m 13 and my birthday is in January (it makes it a lot easier if you know when my birthday is to read this).

When I was about 4 I learned what it felt like to be abandoned. I learned it from my dad. I wasn’t useful to him so he didn’t bother to do anything with me. I wanted him in my life and tried to get him to do things with me, but he was always too busy. It was like he wasn’t in my life and that he didn’t love me. Things continued like that but by the time I was 5 1/2 I gave up on trying to get him to do things with me. He didn’t start to do things with me until I was about 10 and by then I didn’t want him in my life and hated him (and still do) for never being there when I needed him to be. 

When I was 7 (1st grade) I got my trust issues. I trusted my best friends with my biggest secret ‘cause I thought I could trust her and she ended up telling the whole school and practically everyone hated me and wouldn’t talk to me because of it. That summer I hung out with two of my other friends and we did some things we weren’t allowed to do. When they got caught they blamed it all on me and that’s when I learned not to trust people. That's also when the neighborhood (they were my neighbors) started to hate me and label me as the bad kid who was the reason that their kids did anything they weren’t supposed to. 

When I was 7 1/2 I got my paranoia. I don’t know what caused it, it just started one day when I was in the shower. I got the idea that someone was watching me; over time it got worse, it went from thinking people were watching me just in the shower to people watching me at any place that I was at in my house. When I was 11 1/2 I got the idea of people watching me through the camera on my phone, and the thoughts of people watching me from before then still hadn’t gone away.   

When I was 8 (2nd grade) I learned that people will just use you to get what they want. It started with me becoming friends with this one boy in my class. We had a normal friendship until he started to tell people that we were dating so he would become more popular. When I said that we weren’t he started saying that we broke up and that's why I was saying that. After, that he wouldn’t talk to me and I realized that he was planning on doing that since he started talking to me. 

When I was 9 (3rd grade) I learned that I was replaceable and started to become a cold heartless person. One of my best of friends was in a different class than me so we didn’t get to see as much as we did the year before that, I didn’t think it would change our friendship that much but like everything else I was wrong. She became friends with a girl in her class and never did anything with me. They were always hanging out, talking, everything me and her used to do. She had replaced me and had no interest in me, anymore. I started to not care about people since I thought I was better off without them, not knowing that I would start to turn into a cold, heartless, girl who’d be hated by almost everyone in grade (well...the people who realized that I existed) because of it. 

When I was 10 (4th grade) I started to question my sexuality. It was the first time in my life that I liked a girl, but I also liked a boy. I ended up telling the girl and that's when everyone knew me as the lesbian, the only person who didn’t know about me being called that was me. I also came out to my mom around then and she told me it was a phase, she also told my grandmother without my permission. I also told the guy I liked and we started dating. When I told my mom that she was happy and thought my phase was over. Since I liked both boys and girls I thought I was bi, but as I got older and the more I went through the less I started to like boys. When I was about 12 1/2 I got my heart broken by a boy and I didn’t like anyone after that for about a year (around my 13th birthday). After that I only liked girls and I even got a girlfriend. I have to call her my friend around my mom since I’ve learned by now that my mom isn’t a supporter of the LGBT and it always starts a huge fight between us. This made me learn to not trust my mom (since she tells my grandmother everything I tell her), and it made me start to not like my mom.

When I was 11 (5th grade) I became completely heartless. The boy who broke my heart when I was 12 I also dated when I was 11. When we broke up it was bad, we hated each other, and tried to make each others life a living hell. His way was him and his friend bullying me. They called me every name they could think off but they only called me one is school. Stalker. I don’t know why they called me it, but they did and after about a month of being called that about 20 times a day every day I started to believe it. Going through that made me start to hate people and made me completely heartless.

When I was 12 (6th grade) I got depression. I started to care what people what people thought of me and remembering what the two boys used to call me made me think that everyone thought that way about me. It made me really depressed and hate myself. After about a month I started to self-harm when I told someone about it. It ended up at my school counselor and from there a phone call to my mom. She didn’t want to talk about it, so we didn’t and it was just like before she knew. I was on my own. My friends told me just to get over it and the only other person who I might have gone to wouldn’t talk about. After that day the subject only came up twice, once she asked why people self-harm and why I did but I since I didn’t trust her I didn’t tell her. Then, one day when she was driving me to school she asked if I had those feeling anymore and I said no even though I still did. I knew she wouldn’t understand or do anything about it. After a while did go away and I was left emotionless.

When I was 12 1/2 (end of 6th grade) I got my heart broken. It was my fault. He made me feel again and I started to like him for that. It took about a week before I would agree to date him. Our relationship was almost perfect for about 2 months. Then, I fucked up everything. I said the wrong the thing and it drove him to break up with me. During the breakup, I had to deal with the heartache and the guilt from it. I ended up even more depressed than I was before. Then like the time before, I was emotionless.

When 7th grade started (still 12) I got anxiety and an eating disorder. I started to get insecure and would always worry about what would happen if I said something wrong to my friends if I answered a question wrong if I did something embarrassing what would happen. I was in school when I had my first anxiety attack, it was caused by me freaking out about reading out loud in class when my part was about 4 pages away. Then, I made it worse by freaking out about what was happening since I’ never had one. The next day I told my mom that I thought I had an anxiety disorder and she said, “No, you don’t. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” I was used to my mom by then saying that when I said I thought I had a mental disorder, so it wasn’t shocking. My anxiety then moved to how I was heavier than most of the girls in my grade so I quit eating as much. The Thursday before Thanks, Giving is when I lost my appetite and I didn’t get it back until new years. When I did get it back I forced myself not to eat since I didn’t wanna gain the weight that I had lost back. That worked until about the end of February when I went back to my old eating habits. I started to gain the weight back and when I did gain about half of it back I forced myself to not eat again. About a month ago my girlfriend's brothers started to text me and at first, I would have a panic attack practically every other time I would talk to them. After a couple of days, I would only get them about once a week. Then my anxiety started to get bad again about a 4 days ago. It convinced (and I still am) that they don’t actually like, they don’t care, and that they only talk to me when they need help with something. Since I had tried so hard in the past to get them to like me and them not made/makes me feel like I failed, which triggered my depression again and for me to start self-harming again. It’s gotten so bad that I have a break down every night and am emotionless by day. 

If you did read this thank you, I know I said I didn’t care but I put a lot of emotion, effort, and time into this. I mainly wrote this to open up about myself since I never have and most of the things in this I’ve never told anyone. 

[cosmosogler]

today i did a lot of laying around. not literally laying, but otherwise being lazy.

i don’t know why i feel so confused... i feel really disoriented in my dreams, and sometimes i am sort of unable to follow what’s going on as it happens. and then i stay confused after i wake up for a little while. and my head hurts, because of course it does.

in the morning i chilled out i guess. guess what i didn’t work on? that’s right, the self esteem worksheet!!! i will try again tomorrow.

at around 11:30 i gave up hiding in my room because my eyes and head were starting to hurt and made myself some pasta for lunch. i ate a few bites and then threw it away. even a pile of parmesan cheese couldn’t encourage my stomach. then i drove out to my therapist’s office and talked about stuff. i think we got somewhere this time. 

it’s hard to explain in non-conversation form. and i’m not sure how to start.

i went through a quick demonstration of my family tree and talked about some stuff regarding the hawaii trip coming up in a few weeks. i realized that i can see her the week we leave though since we’re leaving on thursday and my appointments are on tuesdays. so that was kind of a relief. and i went through my plans in the case that i am unable to continue group therapy, and in the case that my coverage gets re-approved. 

and then we talked about my self esteem worksheet. i talked about some of the stuff i brought up yesterday in my post, but i decided not to talk about my dreams because there just wasn’t enough time. 

... it’s strange. i don’t particularly like anything about myself, but it’s not like i don’t make what i think are the best decisions in the situations i find myself in. so, like, i’m not being an asshole on purpose at the very least. i don’t understand why i hate myself so much. like yeah i was a pretty nasty teenager... as teenagers can be. but these days? i don’t hurt no one on purpose except myself. and also bugs i guess. 

maybe i used to understand why i hate myself, or at least had a solid goal in mind with it, but i forgot. maybe it’s because i’m not eating enough. it’s hard to remember what happened this morning let alone a couple weeks/months/years ago. the plus side of not having enough energy to think is that you don’t think about things too much. the downside is, of course, that you CAN’T think about things too much.

i gotta... look at my worksheet and write some new rules down. i’m too tired right now and my eyes hurt too much. my eyes hurt while i’m typing this too but i gotta think some stuff through and i won’t be able to keep track of my train of thought unless i am writing it down. and i type a lot faster than i write.

we’ll come back to that later. after therapy i had trouble getting home because the construction guys are doing the other half of the roads in my neighborhood. at least i wasn’t the only one who had no idea what was going on. i saw grooves and tire tracks all along the wet pavement on basically every road. some turns were completely blocked off but you couldn’t see that until you were at the turn. i had to get out of the neighborhood to the access road through the entrance. it was pretty lucky that no one was trying to get in. there’s a wall blocking off your view of the access road until you’re halfway onto it.

then i watched three whole episodes of soma which was reallllllllllly obnoxious with my headache. i jumped so hard at one of the scares that i pulled something in my knee. afterward i talked a little bit about philosophy and existence and stuff with asher. like... what would it be like if you met a digital copy of yourself. 

after that i took the dogs outside for a while, and watched mom and dad leave for the movies, and made myself some potatoes in the oven. they turned out really good! i even ate most of the meal. about three quarters. and i put away some of the ornaments that my brother and i had taken down from the kitchen shelves to clean. and i dusted, i forgot about that. i might have to dust the game room a lot more thoroughly, or try to convince mom to JUST THROW AWAY THE BARREL MONKEYS. JUST THROW THEM AWAY!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE BARREL IS??? WE JUST HAVE TONS OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC MONKEYS SCATTERED AROUND THE GAME ROOM AND THEY MAKE IT HARD TO CLEAR THE SHELVES BECAUSE THERE’S RANDOM JUNK THAT MAKES EVERYTHING TAKE FIVE TIMES LONGER TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. not to mention the plastic mountain that we used to play with my sister’s polly pockets on. it was a completely different color when i had finished dusting it. none of us has touched that thing in at LEAST ten years. mom keeps all our old toys like “oh maybe YOUR kids will want it someday!!!” and it’s like “mom this is a broken jagged piece of a lego.” all of the links have syrup on them from when my brother never washed his hands. we’re still clearing cheeto dust out of the gamecube controllers’ buttons... 

there’s so much random crap taking up space on the game bookcase. like “clue jr.” instead of digging through MY room and messing with MY stuff when i’m not home maybe mom could focus on cleaning the public areas of the house???

i’m still really angry that she went through all of my things while i was away. i keep my room devoid of anything incriminating of course anyway but being reminded that she really will just come in here and dig through my box of letters from grandma pearl or whatever was... frustrating. i don’t got “anything” to hide (that’s in my room at least), but that still doesn’t give you permission to just go through it any time you like. you don’t HAVE to know that i’ve used about half of my stationery and have a stash of stamps. you don’t HAVE to know that i kept the paper andrew hussie autographed and it’s in my closet. 

i am so glad that i go to great lengths to hide stuff like the queer superhero comic i bought. by keeping it on me at all times. or just keeping my room such a mess that it’s impossible to find anything. 

i do need to clean my room... i could do that tomorrow. i got eve to successfully use the stepping stool to get on the bed today. so i don’t really need to block off every other access point to the bed any more. and if she starts trying to jump up there again i can just move the bins back. there doesn’t need to be random stuff all over the floor too.

then i watched another episode of soma and here we are. i spent a while clicking through web sites aimlessly... sometimes you just want to look at pictures of gay space rocks ok? i’ve got two episodes of soma left.

self esteem. i guess the best way to approach having a better self esteem is to not overthink it? overthinking isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can lead to a lot of uncertainty... it should be similar to the best approach to being “happy,” or at least, at ease. just... invest your attention in what you’re doing right now. crowd out the misery with a bunch of fun things that you want to be part of. 

that doesn’t cure depression of course, and there’s gonna be times where you’re just gonna be depressed (or not think highly of yourself), but it’s a good habit to get into anyway.

at this point... i think it’s important to figure out where the low self esteem is coming from, and what exactly it is i’ve been telling myself all these years. i need that information in order to change it. it’s gonna feel bad... but maybe it won’t come back unexpectedly any more.

still not really sure where to go from here. doing the writing exercise might help. i will try to get back on top of my pile of garbage tomorrow morning. i’m going to go to bed early tonight to try to give myself enough time to sleep for once. i haven’t been sleeping enough on top of not eating enough and it’s wearing me out really fast. i also need to call the group facility at like 12:30 to figure out what my next step will be. either i can go back that day, or i gotta wait longer. there’s not really any way to know until 12:30, so i will try not to worry about it until at least 12:00. 

another thing i can try tomorrow is, when i finish soma, to load up one of the tv shows i got a few episodes into and then stopped watching. i need to see something new. and i’ve got like a dozen tv shows in my bookmarks that i’ve wanted to get to but never had time/energy. may as well plow ahead now.

i feel like i should wrap up the post soon, but it’s only 11:40, which feels... too early. but i don’t really have anything else coherent to say. just a lot of feelings that i don��t know how to articulate right now.

maybe i should draw some fan art. maybe that would help me feel a little better and less bottled up. i don’t really have a lot of outlets with which to express my enthusiasm. most of the time i just feel like i’m going to explode.

i hope you are doing ok, and that you have a pleasant night. or at least... less unpleasant than usual, if that’s how it’s going right now.

[mindfullofclutter]

Depression

I dumped my boyfriend when he was depressed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The words jammed in my throat and our tears mingled as we hugged in bed in a dingy AirBnB. He asked me if I meant it and, head thumping with a hangover, I said yes. We went for breakfast at our favorite spot and drank orange juice in silence. Then he pleaded with me to stay as we cried on a park bench. We hugged and kissed, for closure, before I climbed into my car and drove for three hours, back to my parents’ house.

Admitting that I left him when he was at his lowest point fills me with guilt. People will say I was selfish. They’ll say that if you truly love someone, you support them through sickness and dark times. I tried, but it wasn’t working. The reality was that his mental health issues infected my own headspace and I truly was not strong enough to deal with it. The situation left me suffering panic attacks and teetering on the brink of depression myself.

When news broke on Friday that rapper Mac Miller had died o​f ​an apparent drug overdose at age 26, people on social media were quick to point fingers at his ex-partner, singer Ariana Grande. “You did this to him… you should feel absolutely sickened,” one social media user wrote in a tweet directed at Grande. “Treated him like dog shit, threw him to the curb like he was nothing.” “You killed Mac Miller,” wrote another.

Grande and Miller—who admitted using drugs in a Noisey interview well before his relationship with the singer—began dating in 2016 and were together two years before splitting in May 2018. Shortly afterwards, Miller was charged with driving under the influence after crashing his car. One tweet in response to the news, which went viral, said: “Mac Miller totalling his G wagon and getting a DUI after Ariana Grande dumped him for another dude after he poured his heart out on a ten song album to her called the divine feminine is just the most heartbreaking thing happening in Hollywood.” The 25-year-old star hit back: “How absurd that you minimize female self-respect and self-worth by saying someone should stay in a toxic relationship.”

Reading the reports into Miller’s death, and seeing the abuse currently being directed at Grande, all I can say is: She’s right. Grande wasn’t to blame for Miller’s DUI, any more than she’s to blame for his tragic death. Whether it’s substance abuse or poor mental health, dating someone who’s in a dark place was one of the most challenging experiences of my life.

Max was my first proper boyfriend. We met in Rio de Janeiro while traveling around Latin America. We had our first kiss at sunrise on Copacabana Beach. We made sure our paths crossed again a few months later, in La Paz, Bolivia. I was interning at a magazine and he was backpacking, but we ended up buying a single mattress and a set of Toy Story sheets and sleeping on the floor of an empty mansion adjacent to our friend’s apartment. The property had a cellar, half-painted children’s nursery, and creaky floorboards like a classic horror movie set. It was creepy, huge, and free, so we spent a few months there. Then we returned to our lives in the UK and decided long distance was hell, so we moved in together. I adored him.

We began renting our first flat when I was 19 and he was 22. All my friends were going to college and we were living in a shoebox that we could barely afford but having the time of our lives. We would eat chicken nuggets at a cardboard box table and sleep on a futon. Later, we moved for my job. Things gradually got harder. I was working my first job as a journalist and the long hours took a toll. I was often tired and stressed. Max hated his job but felt helpless because he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. I always knew he had depression. As a teenager he was in and out of hospital undergoing treatment for a heart condition, which triggered a long period of low mood. It lingered, always, but it had been manageable until then.

In those few months, we became trapped in an exhausting cycle. We were dependent on one another for our happiness, but we were totally out of sync. A tiny comment or mood swing would send everything spiraling out of control. Max would apologize, convinced he was to blame. I would say it wasn’t his fault. He wouldn’t believe me. I would feel bad for getting frustrated. I would go for walks, drive around the neighborhood, smoke cigarettes in the park, stay late at work to get away. I would have panic attacks. He would take days off. I was working 12-hour days, and I struggled to give him all my attention when I got home. Sometimes, I felt suffocated.

We had no space to breathe or feel emotions without upsetting one other and setting off a chain of events that could drag on for days. I begged him to see a doctor, but he was just handed a tick-box questionnaire with a sliding scale asking him to rate how likely he was to kill himself. Despite admitting he self-harmed and suffered suicidal thoughts, they didn’t consider him high risk. He was prescribed antidepressants and enrolled in a group counseling session where a PowerPoint slideshow recommended he do more exercise. Max was already going to the gym five times a week and cycling to work every day. As there was no one-to-one therapy available on the National Health Service, doctors upped his dose. It didn’t work.

I distanced myself subconsciously before we broke up. I suggested we both go back home with the intention of saving money but I think that really, I needed to reset. We saw each other once a fortnight and after a few months, decided to go on a weekend away. I didn’t plan to break up with him, but the words came out during an alcohol-fueled row. He asked me the next morning if I meant it, and I realized I did.

In the weeks that followed, Max hit rock bottom. I knew he was suicidal and that weighed on my mind constantly. He had always said I was the best thing to happen to him and he hated his life before he met me, but at the same time he was convinced I’d be better off without him. For the first time, I agreed: and I also knew that he would be better off without me, too. We were stuck in a loop of negativity, and things wouldn’t improve until we escaped it.

After we broke up, I felt sick and feared that he might hurt himself. All I wanted was to be there for him, but I knew that could make things worse. Instead, I messaged his mom to see how he was doing. Deep down, I was terrified that our break-up could lead him to end his life and alter mine forever.

It was the lowest point in both our lives, but it ended up being the most formative. Max spent 18 weeks without help on waiting lists but eventually, with the support of his family, began seeing a private psychologist whom he credits with helping him turn things around. The therapy gave him the tools to tackle negative thoughts that crept into his brain, taught him that he wasn’t to blame when I was unhappy, and gave him self-worth. It also made him realize he wanted to help others in a similar situation and he began studying for a degree in psychology. He’s just finished his first year and is in a good place. He’s no longer on antidepressants. And—plot twist—we’re back together now.

We got back together late last year, after taking things slowly and talking for a long time. Max was doing better, and so was I. Things are far from perfect, but we’re stronger and happier now than we’ve ever been before.

Miller’s death is a tragedy. Regardless of whether he was mourning his relationship with Grande, like some sources say, or had moved on, our knee-jerk reaction to tie the two things together is harmful. It insinuates that Miller might still be alive if she had not left him. This is just not true: Miller talked about substance abuse and battling depression years before his relationship with Grande began. We must stop expecting people to ‘save’ their partners. It perpetuates the myth that women—and men—should stay in unhealthy relationships. They shouldn’t, and to suggest otherwise is dangerous.

In my case, my break-up with Max could have ended in tragedy. If it had, I would have felt responsible for the rest of my life, but I know now that it would not have been my fault.

This essay was originally published by Broadly / Vice. Read it here.