#i want to not have to fear for my health every time i interact w a family member or go outside

[piplupod]

if i have caught a flu bug on the roadtrip bc my family refuses to wear masks then i am going to start tearing this house apart piece by piece. it may just be exhaustion and hunger, but I am feeling so incredibly sick rn. brb going to go dig a deep pit and jump in it to never be seen again

[minnieposting]

i started to have weird ocd abt my hyperfixations.... like, im rlly hyperfocused on how im interacting with the stuff i like bc im constantly in the need to 'prove' i dont 'fake' my hyperfixations and im still neurodivergent (like girl what? as if u didnt live ur own life u KNOW how crazy u get abt stuff) note that ik neurodivergency isnt just autism/adhd but idk how else to word my weird thoughts

due to the fact im not diagnosed and dont have the $$ to do that rn, im constantly seeking out validation in myself and then just going back to doubting and. is that not just textbook ocd?? isnt this just a form of reassurance seeking but from myself this time

its like. i did all sorts of things that indicate im clearly autistic or have adhd (or im audhd) but since im now hyperaware of those things and have this fear of faking, my ocd just completely took over and now im just. WEIRD. about whether or not im hyperfixating on smth. Which is also so strange, bc even if hyperfixations can make me SO utterly happy and passionate, they have their cons of course!! sometimes i dont even want to interact w people irl bc it means i wont get to think about x for example. literally yesterday time slipped from my fingers how did i spend TEN FUCKING HOURS playing hsr i have sm stuff to do??? 😭😭 my kaname tojou hyperfix was the worst of all, i was so. OBSESSED with him yall have no ides, but he was genuinely SO BAD for my mental health since his story fr upset me so much. i currently have to distance myself from this character bc i was actually so unwell about him. physical pain everytime i thought about him, omfg. And then just... idk, insert 839493 examples here bc i hyperfixate on literally everything! My point is.... idk why my ocd is putting hyperfixations on such a pedestal. theyre not smth i should ACTIVELY want! its just that i also genuinely feel so empty without one, so i latch onto the fact that i am Feeling Bad Now, Why Cant I Actively Feel Good Again?

its like, if i dont hyperfixate on smth Immediately then im 'fake' or all these other types of things that ocd can make up. like, why does everything have to be SUCH a big deal w this damn disorder??

i wish i could just live peacefully wo being so self aware. bc self awareness is no longer good for me! i latch onto it and what was once a perfectly normal observation about myself becomes A Thing. i just want to obsess !! and be happy!!! bc my interests mean so much to me!! Why does OCD insist on affecting every aspect of my life??? Why does it insist on infecting everything I love??????

[edelgarfield]

alright bestie i finished chapter eight and i just needed to thank you for destroying me and then subsequently putting me back together multiple times in a row. the comfort at the end though made all the days months years of the past installments worth it!!!!

to get personal with you for a moment— your characterization of durge in this series has been both so painful and so comforting for me. i recently started a partial-inpatient program for depression recovery, which i attend 30 hours a week. soon after starting, and with some help, it became blatantly clear how much self-loathing and contempt i hold for myself. at times, it feels like looking at durge is like looking in a mirror. the lack of self-worth, constant feelings of inadequacy, drive for perfectionism, and the absence of purpose. though the reflection is painful, i am now receiving the support i need to recognize where change needs to be made so i can heal after all these years. thank you thank you thank you, endlessly. you touched a part of me that i have always invalidated and has never felt seen<3

oh anon thank you so much! And I'm very glad the catharsis was worth it, it was definitely a long journey to get to this point & there's still a long journey to go.

And thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it really warms my heart to hear other people can see Durge the way I do, and understand how they reflect actual real world struggles that people go through.

Durge as a character means a lot to me for very similar reasons. I was (finally) diagnosed with BPD at the very beginning of 2023, & I've written about it through fanfic a number of times, but i struggle a lot with being unable to control/regulate my emotions and having unhealthy or irrational thoughts. I don't have violent intrusive thoughts like Durge, though some people do, but I struggle a lot with feelings of jealousy & possessiveness towards the people I'm closest to.

(under the cut bc this got so far away from me)

I'm self-aware enough to know when those thoughts are unhealthy & that it would be wrong to act on them. But for the longest time I was so ashamed of those feelings that I couldn't even bring them up in therapy. I would talk about the depression & anxiety those thoughts caused me, but I couldn't bring myself to say "I have an unhealthy obsession with my best friend" or "I don't want my friends to hang out with anyone else but me." and it's not a thought that I can just brush off, there's a very strong desire to act on those fears, to the point where it's extremely painful not to, but at the same time I know acting on them is wrong.

i think when it comes to mental health, it's gotten much easier to talk about being depressed or anxious, and those are things even people who aren't mentally ill can conceptualize. like everyone gets sad and stressed out from time to time. but i think it's a lot harder and there isn't nearly as much openness about the more "unsavory" symptoms like intrusive thoughts or violent impulses. i think those are things that are much harder to relate to, even among mentally ill people themselves. and the constant shame & guilt of dealing with those things is absolutely gut-wrenching.

even when I did finally start talking about these things in therapy, there was still this shame that followed me through every interaction. I'm in a place where I'm able to handle myself and my emotions, but they're still THERE. i'm certainly better at managing them than i was when i was younger, but my emotions & impulses are still largely outside of my control. with work they can get better over time, but that doesn't help me much NOW. i would constantly think "if my friends knew about my obsessions/jealousy/etc they would hate me." it's a huge burden to feel like there's a part of yourself that's inherently unlovable, and feeling the need to keep it under lock and key is so incredibly stressful.

with my therapist's help, I talked about this stuff with my friends for the first time a while back, and i feel so much lighter now not having to carry that guilt on my shoulders all the time. it's truly a lifechanging experience to be able to show someone the parts of yourself you're most ashamed of and have them love you anyway. my friends & i will actually joke about my obsessions w/ people, or wild things i've done to get people to like me and it's just... nice to be able to talk abt these things and have them be treated like something normal. dealing w/ these feelings & impulses has been such a huge part of my life for as long as i can remember and for the majority of my life i thought it was a burden i had to bear alone. but even just telling my friends about it has made it so much easier to deal w/ bc i'm not constantly carrying around the shame & guilt i did before. & my friends have taken steps to make things a bit easier on me, which i never thought anyone would be willing to do. i hope that everyone can get that experience of being loved unconditionally bc i've healed more in the past couple years than i did in the two and a half decades that came before.

anyway. that was a lot. but my point is that even though Durge is a video game character & their affliction is a magical one & not a mental illness (though i'm sure living with the urge would almost certainly lead to one if it wasn't already there) a lot of the struggle they go through is very real to me. like i said, I don't have violent thoughts/impulses, but i know what it's like to feel completely out of control & to think/want something intensely that disgusts you. that lack of control & shame has made it so difficult to let people in over the course of my life.

much the way they latch onto their identity as the party's leader, i've latched onto various titles & accomplishments because I felt like I didn't have anything else to hold onto. to this day, i joke about getting a degree everyone told me would be extremely hard, not because i was passionate about it, but because I was so attached to my identity as "the smart person" that I felt like a failure if I went for something "easier." and when the only thing I know myself as is "smart" i can't let other people see me be emotionally vulnerable, bc that'll shatter the persona i've crafted, and who am i going to be if i'm not that? it's the same for durge as a leader, letting their friends in isn't JUST about being seen as weak, it's about losing what little sense of identity they have, it's abt losing control of the way other people see them, one of the very few things that IS under their control, it's abt letting people get close enough to see the parts of themselves they've worked so hard to hide.

a sentiment that often gets floated abt people with BPD in particular is the idea that our negative emotions are extremely powerful, but so are our positive ones, & we love very intensely. That's how I see my version of Durge, the Urge is extremely strong & powerful, but so is their capacity for love & their drive to protect the people they care abt. when I was reading fic abt Durge prior to writing the series, there's a lot of depiction of the Urge as something that exists wholly separate from Durge themselves, & that's something that gets floated in the game itself, too. and i think that's a valid interpretation, but for me, my unhealthy & impulsive thoughts ARE part of me. hopefully with time & effort they're a part of me that can be unlearned, but it's still me. and that's something I really wanted to dig into & convey when writing Durge.

I think there are parts of Durge that are universally understandable like feeling guilt & struggling to become a better person, and those get explored a lot in fandom. but like i said abt mental illness before, I think there are parts of Durge that are extremely unpleasant that people struggle to depict in their characters without conceptualizing it as a different person, or a part of Durge that's been abandoned post-tadpole, or they only get discussed when it comes to characters that embrace the Urge. but for me, it's those unpleasant parts that I find most horrific & most relatable. Like it isn't just the horror of having intrusive thoughts, or the horror of losing control of your own body, it's having those horrific thoughts about things you know are wrong and disgusting but still desiring them anyway, and the shame that comes with that.

like obviously the Urge itself is a magical influence, but in many ways it's still a part of them, and their sense of self and identity is tangled up in it. Durge would not be the same character if you removed the Urge, their sense of morality & desires & what's important to them would not develop the same way, and it's something they actively have to manage & be aware of, much like I have to constantly assess myself for whether the Disorder is taking over. the Durge that existed pre-tadpole has a lot of things in common w/ Durge post-tadpole, whether you view them as different people or not.

i've very obviously never been in Durge's position, but a lot of their feelings & thoughts are heavily inspired by my own experiences dealing with destructive impulses & a lack of identity. in a lot of ways they remind me of myself at my worst (though again, i've never killed anyone, asleep or otherwise). the support they eventually receive in game (particularly after the "kill your lover" scene) and that I wrote them receiving in the most recent update were things I desperately needed/wanted when I was struggling, and something I think everyone deserves. the fact that fans can look at Durge & feel compassion for them despite how unpleasant the Urge is, and how awful their past actions are makes me feel like people might actually be able to feel sympathy for me and gives me a way to explain what it's like to feel completely out of control in your own body.

much like Durge, the thing that finally drove me to start working on myself in earnest a couple years ago was the love I had for my friends, and realizing that the way i was loving them at the time was extremely unhealthy for both of us. i'm very lucky to have met my current friends & to have made it this far despite having struggled for so long. my hope is that other people can see themselves in the version of Durge I've written, or even if they can't, that they can understand more and be more compassionate towards people who need it. it makes me so so happy to hear my work has helped you. i wish you nothing but the best and i hope you continue to heal & get the support you need.

[eshbaal]

T/W - Loss, Grief, Death There's no easy way to share the news I got yesterday, so that's why I state it plainly in the title and will state it just as plainly now.

My dear friend Markus Ekedahl, known here on tumblr as @lordsmaf, is dead.

He had stopped responding to me altogether on Discord about a week ago, which I naturally thought was odd since he and I have spoken practically at least once a day for the better part of a decade.

I tried to tell myself to not be silly and assume the worst. But still I wrote him every day and recieved no responses even when I said I was worried. So, yesterday, on my way home from another obligation, I started online sleuthing to find contact info on his family, and got ahold of his sister, who he has mentioned to me many times before.

She'd been wanting to get ahold of me, but was unsure how and well, she unfortunately confirmed my darkest fears.

From what she knows, it was sudden. Possibly a result of some underlying health issue. Nobody knows exactly what went on just yet.

I'm gutted, naturally. Markus and I knew eachother well. We were even on birthday and christmas gift basis even though we have only ever actually met a handful of times in real life.

He would have turned 35 on August 1st. I was pondering what I should get him "once he got back". I had practically started rehearsing how to tell him that I didn't care how long he was gone as long as he came back fine and well, in case he was sick or something.

I spent a good half hour looking at his icon hoping for a little red notification to pop up.

Frankly, I'd much rather be furious at him for some kind of sick joke than not have him here with me at all.

---

My thoughts keep going to content and media.

Brav and I shot the shit about media we both liked all the time, and he was as much of a #1 Fan and supporter of my content as he was a friend, always willing to take a look at my videos to try and spot errors before I uploaded them, and showing up for basically every stream I ever did, clipping anything remotely amusing from it. I always knew I was doing a good job if he was clipping up a storm on Twitch.

It was hard enough not seeing his name in chat a few days ago when I was unsure what had happened. It's going to be even harder now, even if I know he'd want me to keep having fun, even with the games I largely played because I knew he'd be amused to see how I reacted to them.

My last interaction with him was me telling him I was finally watching Caddyshack and finding it hilarious, and him responding "Oh yeah."

It probably seems silly that these are the things I worry about since in some way, they probably shouldn't matter. But at the same time, I really regret never getting around to watching some of his favorite stuff now - like JoJo, Gundam or Transformers.

I still plan to keep going on all of this when I can. Even finish the stuff I mostly did because I knew he'd enjoy it. I just need to be able to say it's for his sake without cracking first.

---

For those wondering, I did all the "right" steps almost immediately. I've visited my parents. I've told a few other friends. I've ugly sobbed, I've been angry at the injustice of losing friends at the way-too-early age of barely-34.

I've also had IRL friends who have dealt with their own losses this past year the phone, and one is coming to check on me tomorrow. I have several friends coming over for my own birthday next weekend, and I don't plan to cancel that.

Hell, I've even been able to laugh at other little silly things just a few hours after the bad news. Not that the sadness doesn't settle right back in shortly after.

But today is hard. Really hard. I keep swinging between pure lethargy and crying at random.

I just hope Markus knew that I loved him very much, somewhere between the avalanche of silly clips of terrible game and anime voice acting, the ridiculous tweets we'd both laugh at, or the cool little moments in comics we liked to share.

[zoekrystall]

Ok I'm back and Normal™ again. Nonetheless rant again whoops (covid and family stuff at the end bc fuck my relatives)

The trains back were full which was agony but at least by then it was different. Also I was nice 1h is wrong it's like 2h to and 2h back. 4h travel in often than not packed trains for short appointments yay. Even forced socializing combats it. Was nonetheless oh so fun having to traveling while the oktoberfest made it worse bc as if germany learns shit 🙃. I care so little abt that thing since forever I forgot that happened. Not as if it's that much better but I will so someday move to a different state. I can absolutely not w bavaria in countless aspects.

Anyways I also absolutely fucking hate how people try to push me out bc if covid/health wasn't a gigantic concern that I cannot push aside then I would love to travel to the city! I love to socialize w friend by going to restaurants or the cinema or just strolling around places! I love meeting people in person and do stuff. But alas. Not every cautious person is someone who rather stays inside anyways. And even if no-one wants to not see people in person all year round. I went to the cinema w friends prior a lot prior to 2020. Also people do meet there are measurements it's not all or nothing. I would write more if it wasn't a personal post I won't waste energy explaining or preaching stuff bc like if you follow me you're anyways cautious. Just blowing steam off bc ffs am I tired everytime anyone tells me anything in that regard. I primarily hate how people that don't know me well try to once again paint me as someone who hates like every irl human interaction possible and doesn't ever go outside (my mother included bc she never bothered).

Also while I'm at it I am not suprised my aunt voted the nazi party. Who would have guessed the woman I had an argument with over dinner years ago abt how a patient shouldn't be treated by black people bc "that old woman is old and has dementia and fears them" and how I said in short that that racist patient just has to suck it up bc bigotry is never justified. I am so glad I never decided to live by her and man did I ever say that my grandma victimized herself constantly bc she said I was arguing with her purely bc I didn't go along w her racist or otherwise ableist views and made me homeless bc of that (she knew I absolutely did not want to go back home bc of my mom's partner. alas I am back here but it's survivable now at least). All of them can go die in a ditch. When I had covid once did I nonetheless try to not infect them bc that makes you an asshole and fuck did they make it hard why the fuck do people willingly want to get infected. I really hope my cousin is doing well bc she already had it multiple times and I don't wish that on anyone and she's at least better from what I know. But alas having contact with any relative will be unwillingly tied to see my grandma again and maybe even my aunt so nope it is. Save to say I will not let them help w this house once it belongs to me I do not even want them in the radius of this place.

My anger is primarily at my aunt and grandma bc I think my first cousin is fine my sec cousin did I kinda grow apart w (had a kinda sibling relationship with those two as kid. was fun) and third cousin like sorry but don't really care. The third likes elon and others similar and that is all I need to know aka no thanks. Also I know the most abt my aunt and grandma bc older people love to talk abt their bad political views and spew racist stuff. Oh wow they accept me as a queer kid but that doesn't do shit when I had to make my grandma not say the n word in what 2020 or 2021 and often hear racist or ableist stances. I don't fucking care if anyone is queer or a queer ally when they hate other groups and I hate how a lot of white people don't give a damn abt that. Esp if racist or ableist. Quit calling queerphobes delusional/narcissists/psychopath/etc or I will maul you. Anyways I bet that place would be a nightmare to live in reg how much palestine gets smeared as bad in the media. Never again my ass.

Rant. Hate traveling to the city so much.

I need to get to the big city today and I am this fucking close to biting and going feral. Why the fuck do you wait by the door so much prior to the destination coming leave me the fuck alone you people had sit places. And of course no-one wears a mask so not suprised. Get away. And also of fucking course this train system is useless as fuck and I come 20 minutes at min later to my appointment and if that isn't fine then I'm going to go feral for real I'm already so done. If selfish people wouldn't be assholes could I maybe at least eat or drink between leaving and coming back home but I'm not risking shit. Fucking hate here man I wonder why I either barely go out or if exclusively with other people and then this is the state and I remember. The coughing just adds I don't want anymore. If anyone starts to sit next to me without a mask will I have even more bloodlust. If I'm lucky I get cozy and turn into snuggle cat mode once home and if not will I have to sleep again bc otherwise I will be unable to function for anything bc only one emotion is allowed to exist until sleep reset.

[lemememeringue]

big sibling protective mode

[meowzfordayz]

bff

Author’s Note: 10/10 would be 11/10 happy w/ these bffs. 😭💞

bff

Rengoku Kyojuro x Reader, Shinazugawa Sanemi x Reader, Tokito Muichiro x Reader

Word Count: ~1,500

CW: explicit language, platonic

Emergency Request Fulfilled: can i request platonic fluffy hcs for muichiro and/or genya— separate ofc, with a fem/gn (thats really up to you) childhood friend!hashira reader whos very loving? (not a hashira if genya!)

for example always holding on in someway, giving hugs, cuddles, kisses (on the hair/scalp or hands only), giving alot of attention, and friendly overall.

how they interact, feel, maybe even defend them if someone makes a comment abt them for ‘leading him on’ bcs they dont love him romantically *totally didnt happen to me once* i mean.. its like 1920 its bound to happen, react to dating assumptions, ect.

~faqs, image~

Bff!Kyojuro who, to be quite frank, doesn’t exactly make you laugh directly, but constantly makes you laugh indirectly, because how could you not laugh at how hard he makes himself laugh ??

Bff!Kyojuro who’s only slightly embarrassing to go out for meals with (his moaning exclamations of delight and contentment as he eats are, uhh, fairly loud), but you’re never truly embarrassed — really, you just wish you had his level of obliviousness confidence

Bff!Kyojuro who grins brightly whenever the server assumes you’re on a date “Which date do you think we’re on?”; who grins even brighter when the server’s eyes widen as he promptly announces “Beyond five hundred!” (of course, the server doesn’t have any way of knowing that those ~dates were entirely platonic and span a decade+); who tips the server generously if they mention proposing or marriage

Bff!Kyojuro who takes your scolding Stop fooling everyone into believing we’re a couple! with a grain of salt, because you do the exact same thing (it’s a miracle that your friends continue to fall for your We’re finally, actually, literally official! prank)

Bff!Kyojuro who raids your pantry with zero shame; cooks a second portion—for you—of whatever he’s craving; randomly stocks your fridge from time to time (he has a key to your apartment — it’s a regular occurrence for you to return home to new groceries and a sticky note “Reimbursement for our recent movie night!”)

Bff!Kyojuro who comes over with his old clothes because you get first priority/pickings before they’re donated

Bff!Kyojuro who pouts when you refuse to cuddle with him You’re too fricking sweaty

Bff!Kyojuro who retaliates by sitting on you

Bff!Kyojuro who writes you the sweetest birthday letters; you have a box with 10+ letters for all the years you’ve known him; it’s your tradition to read them in order (oldest to newest) every night after the celebration dies down and everyone (besides Kyojuro) heads home; he starts cleaning while you sit and read; it’s also tradition that by the final (newest) letter, you’re sobbing (happily) into his chest

Cleaning can wait

Bff!Kyojuro who believes in you, supports you, would move to another country for you — he has his own ambitions and dreams, sure, and they’re as adaptable and flexible as his adoration for you

Bff!Kyojuro who knows he can show up at your apartment at ass o’ clock, cheeks tear stained, heart ruptured, because you’re there for him too

You told him once that You’re my non romantic soulmate, and feeling your palms cup his face—your gaze tired, concerned, angry for him—he knows, “You’re my non romantic soulmate too.”

Bff!Sanemi who’s kinda your frenemy ?? except more friend than enemy (albeit, it took years to achieve that ratio)

Bff!Sanemi who excels at the little things

Bff!Sanemi who picks you up from the airport, the bar, really anywhere if you give him enough time to get there

Bff!Sanemi who knows your allergies, health conditions, fears — double checks whenever you dine out, carries extras of generic medication on him, keeps an eye on you ~just in case

Bff!Sanemi who remembers the things you want but I don’t need it though; has a literal list of items to buy/make for special occasions (i.e. birthdays, holidays) as well as ~just because (i.e. he misses you, you’re annoying him); ensures the list never runs out, “But you deserve it.”

Bff!Sanemi who’s very competitive and very mean about it — Monopoly, Go Fish, War, Scrabble, and puzzles are in the DO NOT PLAY WITH SHINAZUGAWA SANEMI category

Bff!Sanemi who has almost destroyed your friendship over Monopoly’s houses and hotels rules, cheating when shuffling cards, bullshit words in Scrabble, and overall raging (puzzles in particular)

Bff!Sanemi who doodles Sharpie tattoos on your forearms whenever you fall asleep before him, bUT TO BE FAIR — they’re always lowkey beautiful

Bff!Sanemi who’d be honored to draw the art for your first tattoo (if you so desired a tattoo), and would be just as honored if you drew the art for his first tattoo

Bff!Sanemi who’s adamantly against matching tattoos, but he’s got nothing to worry about considering your styles differ… significantly… (aka, for the sake of these hcs, his doodles of eyes actually look like eyes, whereas yours look like… scary)

Bff!Sanemi who kisses your bruises and scrapes (acquired from careless tripping, stubbing, falling) first “Are you okay?!”, and then laughs and points at you second “You’re a fucking idiot.”

Bff!Sanemi who: if you’re good at cooking — buys you ingredients and ~forces you to cook; if you’re bad at cooking — delegates setting the table, choosing the playlist, washing the dishes to you (while he cooks instead)

Bff!Sanemi who dances with you in the kitchen, which could be cute except that he takes it very seriously

Bff!Sanemi who grumbles when you accidentally step on his foot, insults your skill, “You’d be knocked out first round from any dance competition.”, rolls his eyes when you mutter It’s not that deep, and inevitably turns stepping on feet into a merciless battle that he unfortunately and usually wins

Bff!Sanemi who reluctantly massages your feet afterwards (winner’s remorse)

You told him once that You’re a menace. My menace, and as he stares at your playful fierce glare, he’s inclined to agree

Bff!Muichiro who cuts the tops off your strawberries; unshells your sunflower seeds (a true act of selflessness); shares his fries I’m fine! “I insist.” But Mui- “Less staring, more eating.”; lets you sip his frappes before he does

Bff!Muichiro who grabs your hand as you cross the street together, squeezing protectively, eyebrows furrowed with endearing focus considering, well, yanno We’re just crossing the street!

Bff!Muichiro who holds open doors for you; jams his foot in closing elevators for you; waits in lines for you

Bff!Muichiro who listens to you ramble for hours—tucked into your favorite corner of his couch—while playing mindlessly with your hair, David Attenborough narrating about whales or something in the background

Bff!Muichiro who kisses the top of your head after playing with your hair; hands migrating to your shoulders; searching for and gently kneading at any knots

Bff!Muichiro who learns your favorite braids, and either creates masterpieces with your hair and/or allows you to “Go wild.” with his (depending on who has better/ideal hair for braiding)

Bff!Muichiro who keeps extra hair ties on his wrist; for himself in case you spontaneously decide he needs a make over; for yourself (when applicable) in case you break/forget/lose yours

Bff!Muichiro who surprises you with picnics in meadows of wildflowers (the long drives are 100% worth it) because wildflowers = flower crowns = the best accessories

Bff!Muichiro whose entire Instagram is basically photos of you, himself, and you with him, featuring your plethora of creations

Bff!Muichiro who tags you as Hair Stylist: @--- or Model: @--- because, “Credit where credit is due.”

Bff!Muichiro who replies with vague 😁 and ☺️ and random heart emojis to You guys are too cute! and Dayum you really outdid yourselves and Where is this? It’s sooo prettyyy comments on aforementioned posts

Bff!Muichiro who never discloses locations because he cherishes the privacy and intimacy of his time spent with you

Bff!Muichiro who rarely allows you to move (when you’re cozied up on his couch), tugging sternly at your earlobe, “Hungry?” as you inch toward the kitchen, “You’re my guest. Stay put! I’ll go.”

Bff!Muichiro who has your coffee/tea/preferred beverage order memorized, and if you don’t have a usual, then he still knows your moods and somehow always picks the perfect drink to satisfy you

Bff!Muichiro who can’t promise to not watch the next episode(s) of your favorite show(s) without you, but is happy to rewatch them to your heart’s content

Bff!Muichiro who scoffs when mutual acquaintances—sometimes even mutual friends—poke and pry at his friendship with you, because he knows where he stands with you, and that’s what matters most

Bff!Muichiro whose tone turns icy, impatient, rude when pushed too far, “Leading me on? I choose to be their friend, and they choose to be mine. We know how we feel, and that’s enough.”

Bff!Muichiro who could write entire essays in your defense, but finds that cutting to the chase is generally more effective

Bff!Muichiro who refuses to stop nudging you with his elbows, tickling you to get his way, offering you piggybacks when you’re lazy/sleepy, because, “I don’t care about rumors. I care about you. If you’re happy with our friendship as it is, and I’m certainly happy with it, then what’s there to change?”

Bff!Muichiro who hugs you for as long as you want—for as long as you need—regardless of whose around

You told him once that Your hugs could cure practically anything, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t live up to your standards

[chordata-on-alterhumanity]

The Chordata Guide to Otherlinking

Hello! This is a guide written from my own experiences, and a tiny bit of consulting with other ‘linkers. If you can think of ways to improve this, let me know, and I’ll update the original post. This is Version 1.1.

What is otherlinking? What is a linktype?

Otherlinking is the active choice of identifying as something. This sounds very vague, so let’s have an example: Imagining yourself as a lion makes you more confident, so you like doing that frequently. Identifying as a lion becomes a part of your identity.

For many of us, otherlinking includes consciously taking on traits of out linktype (imitating/“fake it ‘til you make it” OR strengthening already existing traits by focusing on them through a linktype). This is a form of mindfulness training. For example: I would like to be as calm and collected as insert-fictional-character. In stressful situations, I think “How would they react?” and try to act that way by imagining myself as them. If this revolves around already existing traits, a linktype can help amplify those traits.

Let's get some vocabulary out of the way first, for everyone who comes across this and isn’t familiar with otherlinking.

● Linktype / Otherlink / 'link- A voluntary identity a person takes on. I.e. I identify as a woodpecker because I want to. This identity can be of a real existing or extinct animal or plant, a mythological being, a fictional being or person, an object, a concept, et cetera.

● Otherlinker - A person with a linktype.

● Otherlinking - The act of having a linktype.

● Copinglink / C'link - A subcategory of linktype. A copinglink is a linktype created for coping with trauma, stress, et cetera.

● Copinglinker - A person with a copinglink.

● Copinglinking - The act of having a copinglink.

Requirements

You might ask yourself: "I want a linktype. What're the requirements to get one?" Well, you already got all the requirements down. To take on a linktype, you need to want one. Whether you feel compelled to take one on, or you feel it could help you in some way, or you decide you want to try this just for the heck of it, it's all valid. You want, you can.

How?

This is the trickier part, and it varies from person to person. I will give a basic rundown. Adjust this for your personal needs where you see fit.

1. Find your being/thing/concept.

2. Examine your reasons for why you want to call this yourself.

3.a. Your reasons for wanting the linktype might already be enough to make the identity feel right.

3.b. If you don't feel yourself clicking with the potential 'link, and struggle with identifying as it, analyze it to find the traits that don't resonate with you. You can change parts of the 'link, or view it through a different lens to make it feel closer to home. I.e. For fictional characters, it can help to disengage from fandom interpretation, or canon characterization, and instead put your own spin on them.

4. Once you've established a connection, you can reinforce it if you want to. A linktype can feel very faint at the start, so here are some examples for what you can do to make it feel more 'You':

● Wear clothing you can associate with the 'link.

● Inform yourself about new hobbies that you can associate with your linktype. I.e. If your linktype is an archer and you've never tried archery before, see if you can find an archery range open to newbies nearby.

● If you are a visual artist, create drawings of your linktype in a way that relates to your irl person. I.e. Draw the linktype in your clothes, or in irl places you've been in person.

● If you're a writer, write something including your linktype in a way that relates to you. I.e. Include them in a story inspired by real life events that have happened to you.

● Make the linktype your social media profile picture.

● Let people know they can use the linktype's name as a nickname for you.

● Change your social media alias/username to be related to the linktype’s name.

● Talk to people who will treat you as your linktype (and not just view it as roleplaying).

Don't be ashamed of expressing yourself in fear of other people’s opinions. Unless you're dependent on them (for money, safety, or other physical and mental health needs), it doesn't matter what they think.

Caution

If at any point in your journey you notice that a linktype makes you feel worse about yourself than you do without the linktype (i.e. feeding into anger, self-hatred), stop it. These dangers can already crop up during the ‘link creation process. Here are ways to go about this, and possible causes:

● Stop engaging with it. This sounds very 'It'll go away if I ignore it long enough', but that's exactly it. A linktype should fade when you don't engage with it anymore. Don't approach this by thinking "I'm not allowed to think about this anymore", but instead, every time when your linktype comes up, acknowledge it, and replace that thought with something else. If you struggle with this, examine what 'triggers' you to think of your linktype. Mindfulness is a powerful thing that often goes underestimated.

● Replace it with a different linktype that doesn't bring these problems.

● If your linktype started off without these issues, try to find out what caused it to change to become negative. Maybe there are other factors in your life that're putting stress on you and it shows through your linktype.

● Maybe you’ve outgrown your linktype. People can change over time, and your linktype could be preventing you from taking the next steps for personal growth, and this can negatively influence your well-being. Try letting go of the linktype. It might turn out the be a freeing experience.

● Talk to a therapist (, or, if you can’t access therapy, an understanding friend). Yes, tell them specifically about the linktype and the problems you have with it. A second person can shine a light on aspects you didn’t notice.

Good to know

A linktype can become an integral part to yourself, and at some point you might find it hard to separate it from yourself. Is this still a linktype? Is it a kintype (otherkin)? That is for you to know and decide. The lines can be blurry, and at the end of the day you are the only person who can decide what labels you want to use and what community has the most in common with you (if you even want to label yourself and interact with ppl w similar experiences). Unless it is harming you (or others), a linktype turned integral is nothing bad. Our environments shape us as people constantly, and a linktype over time can contribute similarly.

🐟

That’s it! If you have questions or need help, feel free to contact me through Asks or DMs. If I’m unavailable, search around a bit to find other otherlinkers who might be able to help you. ♡

[redpandarascal]

im sorry. please keep this private i dont want to hurt you. ive in a bad living situation for years where i have to live w my molestor. i dont really know what to do about it and im sorry i keep doing the wrong thing just please understand im in a lot of pain and i had no idea what to do when it felt like she hurt me on purpose

Sat down and thought about this for a while, and now I think I’m ready to tell this person off.

Okay so here’s the context. This morning someone made a post about an internet stranger who had clearly been stalking them and taking advantage of their goodwill. Just sending constant messages threatening suicide, etc. and I was like “wow this person is fucking stalking you.”

so clearly the appropriate response from the stalker is to come into my inbox? That’s what this message is, I guess! Why the fuck would I keep this private? Do you think this shit makes me feel safe? I don’t think you’re sorry at all!!!!!

The post the person made about you stalking them ALREADY MADE IT CLEAR you were in a very bad place. You sent them a lot of messages about it even after you had been asked to stop. It doesn’t excuse how you’re acting whatsoever.

You will want to google “mental health hotline + region where you live.” Talk to THEM. Talk to the suicide hotline about this shit.

I am not going to offer you any kind of comfort here. I didn’t ask you to share this, and it’s completely inappropriate that you did.

I’m making this so that it isn’t rebloggable. I’ll probably delete it pretty shortly. I don’t want anyone to try and interact with this person, PLEASE. They have really fucking poor boundaries; they messaged me this over me pointing out to someone else that they had been stalking them. I’m sharing it because: fuck you for asking me not to! What the fuck!

1. Don’t message me again

2. Leave the person you were stalking alone

3. Don’t message every single person who commented about how inappropriate you were being to be even more inappropriate, please!

4. Don’t fucking kill yourself, you asshole. No one wants that. People want you to stop being inappropriate to them in their ask boxes.

I’m going to block you once this has been up long enough for you to have read it. Don’t contact me again.

If you think this seems harsh of me: I don’t care. I don’t know this person. They are trying to weaponize their poor mental health against me, and I’m no longer accepting that at this time, thank you very much!!! Also, I’ve had a bad week. I’ve had a bad week that activated my fear of being unsafe in my own home. The threads of that are yet unresolved. So I DON’T. LIKE. When people act like boundaries aren’t important! when people act like they can be like “hey! I’ve acted inappropriately to you, don’t tell anyone!”

Examine your behavior! Examine it! Live and grow and change into a better person! Stop doing this shit! Respect other people!

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[morganaspendragonss]

hiya. could you write a fic where tk has a panic attack from carlos’s pov? 😘🧡

i can indeed! this is combined with an idea jamie ( @silvarafael ) had and very kindly allowed me to write - i hope you both enjoy! the first section is also based on a vague idea i had after watching the ep.

ao3 | 1.9k | 2.10 spoilers

TK is silent the entire drive home, choosing instead to stare out the window with his jaw firmly clenched, his hands making fists in his lap. The silence extends all the way into the house, right up until the point when he flops down on the couch with a loud, frustrated sigh, burying his head in his hands. 

At this point, Carlos knows not to push when TK is like this; he’ll talk when he wants to, and not a moment before. So he simply walks over, sitting next to him and placing a hand on TK’s back, rubbing gentle circles. TK slowly relaxes under his touch, unfurling his body, and Carlos is all too happy to let him shift into his arms, holding on and pressing kisses on the top of his head.

I’m here, he’s saying - not with words, but he knows the message gets across regardless. It may have only been less than a year since they started dating, but already they don’t always need words to communicate.

“I’m sorry if you were uncomfortable back there,” TK says suddenly. “I know my dad kind of dragged you into it all, and that must have been awkward for you.”

“It wasn’t my favourite interaction with your dad ever,” he admits.

TK snorts. “Understatement,” he mutters, and Carlos laughs, tilting his head in agreement. “I am sorry, though, really,” TK continues. “It was amazing of you to even be there; you didn’t have to be. I’m sure there are hundreds of places you’d rather be than an intervention session for my dad.”

“You mean supporting my boyfriend through something difficult and important?” Carlos corrects gently, shifting to catch TK’s eyes. “Because there’s nowhere I’d rather be than there.”

TK blinks at him, managing to hold his gaze for all of two seconds before he blushes and looks away. He takes Carlos’s hand, tapping restlessly on the back of it - a sure-fire sign he’s still worked up about something, so Carlos leaves him be, waiting for it to come out.

“Is it bad that I’m pissed at him?” TK’s voice is quiet, small, and it’s mirrored in his body language when he turns to Carlos, drawing his legs up and hunching his shoulders. “I’ve spent my entire life trying to connect with him, and it just feels like he’s constantly throwing it all right back in my face. And he’s… He’s such a fucking hypocrite. Ever since my first overdose, he’s been going on and on about how good it is to talk about my feelings and how I shouldn’t keep things bottled up, yet he insists on hiding this shit from me.”

TK laughs, short, sharp, bordering on hysterical. “He didn’t even tell me when he was fucking dying; I had to find that out by myself. And I’ve tried. I haven’t stopped trying.” He deflates, sinking back into Carlos with a defeated sigh. “But there’s only so much I can take, you know? I can’t… I can’t keep doing this, Carlos.”

Carlos’s heart breaks for his boyfriend. He wishes he could take the pain away; as it is, all he can do is hold him, and hope that he has enough words to at least dull the ache somewhat.

“It’s not bad to feel what you feel, TK.”

TK looks up at him, eyes wide. “You don’t think so?”

He shakes his head, kissing him again. “No. I think… I think your dad has treated you pretty unfairly, actually, and you’re well within your rights to be mad at him right now. But, I also think that you said it yourself; there’s only so much you can do. Before you can take care of your dad, you have to take care of yourself, and you can’t do that if you’re worrying over him.”

If TK’s eyes were any wider, it’d be comical. “But -”

“No buts.” Carlos smiles tightly, keeping his tone gentle. “TK, babe, you just led an intervention into your dad’s mental health, which I know was hard for you, yet you did it anyway because you love him. You tried, but if he doesn’t want to engage, then there’s nothing you can do.”

TK is silent for a long time, staring down at his lap. He’s still holding Carlos’s hand in one of his own, but his free hand is rubbing the material of Carlos’s shirt between his fingers; Carlos doubts he’s even fully aware he’s doing it.

“I know that,” he says eventually, voice little more than a whisper. “I do. I just wish he wasn’t so goddamn stubborn all the time.”

Carlos’s lips quirk up in a smile, and he speaks before he can stop himself. “Guess it runs in the family.”

TK stares at him, open-mouthed, and Carlos immediately regrets his words. He’s halfway through an apology when it’s like a dam breaks, and TK breaks out in giggles, his head thumping against Carlos’s chest.

“You’re lucky I love you, Reyes.”

Carlos grins and pulls TK as close to him as physically possible. “I really am.”

*

The call comes early the next morning, waking both of them up. TK grumbles as he smacks his hand against the nightstand in a blind search for his phone; the sight would be adorable if Carlos weren’t so tired himself. After the exhaustion of the past few days, he’d been desperately hoping to have a peaceful morning for once, maybe even - god forbid - to spend some quality time with his boyfriend without the threat of parents or work or sudden emergencies hanging over them. 

Clearly, though, it’s not to be, as TK suddenly sits bolt upright in bed, all traces of sleep gone.

“We’ll be there as soon as we can,” he promises to whoever’s on the other end, before lowering the phone and turning to stare at Carlos, terror obvious in his eyes. 

“TK?” Carlos asks when he doesn’t speak, sitting up and slowly reaching out for him. TK startles at the contact, but quickly leans into it, covering Carlos’s hand with his own.

He swallows once, twice. “Buttercup’s sick,” he whispers. “Dad had to rush him to the vet’s. Carlos, what if… What if…”

He trails off, shaking his head viciously, as though he can erase the thought from his mind. Carlos quickly moves to steady him, stroking his thumbs across his cheekbones to calm him down.

“Let’s get dressed, okay?” he says, knowing reassurances won’t mean a thing right now. “Then we’ll go, and we’ll know more.”

TK just nods, quiet as they go through the motions of getting ready. Carlos makes sure to press an apple into his hand before they head out; he knows it will likely go uneaten, but it’s the only choice he has, given he knows that TK will refuse to stop for breakfast without finding out about Buttercup first.

If the drive back from Owen’s yesterday was silent, today’s is far worse. TK’s hands are constantly moving in Carlos’s periphery, alternating between fiddling with his apple, tugging on his clothes and hair, and rubbing at his face. On the rare occasion he does try to stay still, his hands end up twitching in his lap, followed by a sudden burst of anxious movement before falling back into some semblance of a pattern.

Carlos presses his lips into a firm line, accelerating more than is technically legal; at any other time he’d make a joke about how TK’s turning him into a criminal.

They’re forced to stop at a traffic light, and Carlos curses under his breath, getting jittery himself as the drive extends. He turns to check on TK, then curses again at the sight of his boyfriend’s pale face, his wide eyes and trembling body. TK gasps, then again and again, a hand going to his chest, and Carlos knows what this is. 

A panic attack, but the second he reaches to help, the lights change and he’s forced to keep driving. He keeps one eye on TK the whole time, heart beating faster as he seems to get worse, and he’s thankful when he spots an opportunity to pull over, taking it immediately.

TK stares, shaking his head frantically and gesturing in a motion that Carlos takes to mean keep driving. His mouth opens and closes but he can’t form words, breaths coming short and fast. He folds in on himself when they stop, eyes closed and forehead almost touching his knees as his body heaves and shakes.

Carlos unbuckles himself and shifts as close as he can, placing one hand on TK’s back and taking his hand in the other, rubbing circles on the back of it with his thumb. He’s had to do this a few times over the course of their relationship, shootings and kidnappings and disasters taking their toll on his boyfriend.

But that doesn’t make it any less difficult.

“You’re going to be okay,” Carlos says, pushing his own fears aside. “Just breathe slowly, in and out, that’s it; it’ll be over soon, I promise.”

He keeps it up, murmuring assurances he barely registers himself until the shaking lessens and TK’s breath slowly but surely begins to even out. He straightens in his seat, eyes still closed, and leans his head against the headrest. 

Carlos pulls back, giving him a moment before he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

TK shakes his head, then immediately changes his mind and nods. Still, it takes him a few seconds to speak. “What if it’s the cancer, Carlos?” he asks, peeling his eyes open, despair written all over his features. “He could - He could die, he could be dying right this second, and I don’t know if I can handle that, not after everything else.”

“I know,” Carlos says. “You just have to remember that we don’t know anything yet, and you have to believe that Buttercup will be fine until we do know more. We’ll take it from there, and if it is the cancer - which, yes, it might be - then we’ll all be around to support each other. Buttercup’s strong, though, I’m sure he’ll fight whatever this is with everything he has. He’ll be fine.”

Carlos smiles, noticing how TK is pretty much hanging onto every word he says. He takes a deep breath, briefly looking away before continuing, “As will your dad.”

TK frowns. “Who said anything about my dad?”

“TK.”

He sighs, hanging his head. “You’re right,” he admits, “this is a little bit about my dad. The longer he puts off this surgery, the more scared I get that the cancer will come back and we won’t get as lucky this time. I know it’s stupid, and I know I should be focused on Buttercup right now, but…”

“But,” Carlos agrees, reaching out and squeezing TK’s hand. “It’s okay, and it’s not stupid at all, I promise you. Let’s just take this one thing at a time, okay? First, we’ll get to the vet’s and find out how Buttercup is, and then we’ll see about having another conversation with your dad - maybe telling him what you’ve told me?”

TK exhales shakily, then nods. “Okay. Okay.”

Carlos gives him a small smile, squeezing his hand once more before shifting back in his seat to keep driving. “I’ll be right by your side,” he can’t help but say. He’s sure TK already knows, but the reminder can’t hurt, especially after what just happened.

TK stays quiet, but Carlos doesn’t miss the mumbled, “I don’t deserve you,” from the passenger seat. 

“Wrong,” he replies, eyes on the road. “You deserve the world.”

And, in his periphery, TK smiles.

[honey-milk-depresso]

Azul and Lumi (3am calls)

@beth-bethar00​ Beth asked something about why Azul was calling Lumi at 3am-

And it gave me an inspiration of an interaction, one between Azul and Lumi.

(400+ followers event series)

Genre: Headcanon + Snipet / oneshot

Lumi de Angelos

After finding out Aepper had a hacking partner, Azul asked for her phone number.

Aepper was a little skeptical, Azul simply said he wants to work with her and promised to pay her as well.

Aepper had to ask Lumi for permission, which Lumi granted, so long Azul didn’t share the contact.

At first, Lumi thought it was straightforward. Just hack and stuff, add in a little scam horror side effects for Azul and she gets paid.

That wasn’t the case.

“The f*ck, Azul-”

“Lumi, language.”

Lumi left eye twitched. “You want me to watch my language when you called me up at 3am??? ARE YOU SERIOUS-”

“Listen, Lumi. YOU LITERALLY SPAMMED MY CLIENT WITH A BUNCH OF SHREK MEMES-”

“YOU SAID MAKE THEM FEAR-”

“THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT! I want you to make it more of a realistic scam, so they ACTUALLY will be PANICKING TO ME.”

“Well damn, Azul. Haven’t your mom told you be thankful for what you’re given?” Lumi spat.

“Well, be thankful I’m paying you.”

“The price is much handsome than you, yes. But at what cost?”

“Oh my sevens...”

This. This is just one of the common things that would happen when Azul and Lumi were having their daily 3 am talks.

The only people who knows of Lumi hacking clients were between herself and Azul and Aeppermint, because Aepper had to know what was going on. An protective ‘brother’ he is.

“Lumi. I get it. Both of us are tired.”

“Then go to bed like how I was 10 minutes ago. You and I have to attend the educational children’s confinement camp known as school. Ringing up at 3am to hack 10 more clients is a crime against the humanity of hackers out there.”

Azul sighed in exasperation. He’s got to go through the same shit every 3 am, isn’t it?

Azul and Lumi constantly bicker about such, complaining both have lots to do, and that if they could just do what they were suppose to do and leave them alone respectively, all will be fine.

None is the case.

At all.

Sometimes, during these calls,

an occasional empathy is shown by both parties.

“*sniffs* stupid, goddamn, bitch..”

“Is it me?” Azul ask monotonous. It’s been quite long since he’s been calling Lumi to hack, and she sounded like she was crying on the other line.

“Not you, dumbass, you just called..” Lumi muttered, another sniff could be heard.

“This dumbass in school... he broke my f*cking droid. And it was precious shit, man...” Lumi cursed, but knew there was nothing she could do about it. She spent months working on the droid, only to be broken the next day when she flew it to school.

Azul sighed. “I’m sorry hear that.”

“I don’t want your damn pity...just get to work, which client you want me to scare..” she moped.

“Lumi, listen. I’m not pitying you for the sake of getting you back to work. You maybe shitty, but you’re....someone I somewhat care for. Your still my client and partner, I won’t deny that.”

Lumi stayed silent for a while, typing could be heard on her side.

“..whatever...”

“Okay, anyways-”

The sound of slurping could be heard.

“W-what is that??”

“Me. I’m eating breakfast known as curry instant noodles.”

Just by hearing it, Azul wanted to puke. “That’s disgusting?! And unhealthy??”

“You eat unhealthy shit, too-”

“Yeah, but, it’s not actual garbage!”

“HEY! RESPECT CUP NOODLES-”

“With instant curry?? GROSS???”

Azul groaned. “Look, Lumi. I suggest you eat healthier. I eat healthier stuff, too you know. Eating junk food MODERATELY-”

“I’m not you, honor student! I don’t have much on me. I need to pay for rent.”

“You live by yourself?”

“Yeah.”

Azul winced. He never expected Lumi to live with nobody. Throughout his life, Azul was pretty obscure, but he was never truly alone. He got the company of his mother, and his two best friends, Jade and Floyd.

Azul heard from Aepper he’s only ever met Lumi via online, and that his previous master used to take care of her rent and essential items. Now that they’re gone, Lumi has to take care of herself, without the help of Aepper. Selling things online, hacking for companies and organizations much bigger and corperate than Monstro Lounge, and on top of all that, tackle her own studies.

Lumi may be a genius, schoolwork is basically baby work to her, but she’s clearly abandoned her own health and wellbeing.

“...You said you like grilled squid?”

“Yeah...why..?”

“Send me an address or something. I’ll send it over to you everyday.”

“...I want my payment with GIRO-”

“Yes, it still will be in GIRO, this is extra.”

“You know even if you gave me proper food and a fruit basket, nothing good’s gonna come out of this, right?”

Azul sighed. “Lumi, I just want you to take care of yourself,” he said, tone softening.

“...”

“I don’t care what your answer is. You give me your address. I know Aepper knows, cuz you trust him so much, so if you don’t give it to me, at least Aepper would. I’m sure he wants you to take care of yourself, too.”

Lumi sniffed.

“..It’s.......................”

Azul smiled softly.

“There you go.”

Now Azul sent her PROPER food everyday. Delivery!

Lumi won’t admit it, but she’s super grateful for Azul’s delivering of food to her apartment.

Lumi’s got some deja vu, though.

Azul’s gestures reminding her of XXXXXXXXX.

So there are times,

where Lumi and Azul can get along.

[armillary-spheres-lover]

Why cant I have bi memes w/o them coming from panphobic blogs

Can please some bi non-panphobic blogs rb this im struggling to find spaces were there isnt ficking discourse every 2 seconds. Its not good for my mental health. I just want people to love each other tysm

@definitely-a-living-human do you have some to suggest? sorry you're one of the few safe bi blogs ive recently interacted w so you crossed my mind but if you dont want to its fine

Edit: really I'm spending more time on aroace blogs than bi blogs now because they're so explicitly inclusive and warm and nice it's wonderful just scrolling down

Bi panphobes can fuck off they dont make bi spaces comfortable for anyone not even the very same bi people they claim to protect (source: me. I do not feel welcomed nor safe. even if im bi myself).

It's like seeing your boyfriend yelling and abuse a random stranger for no reason. of course you're gonna fear you're the next even if they're claiming It's just to protect you. It shows that as soon as you do anything that rubs them the wrong way you're def gonna be on the receving end of abuse as well. Its not a healthy enviroment. It keeps you walking on eggshells. Its not something Im going to deal w. I did not w real people in my life who I previously loved, Im not doing it for a random idiot on the internet. Fuck off

(oh of course the same is true for any exclusionist, this is just smth ive directly witnessed and affects me directly)

[spicysoftsweet]

Illumi x Reader, Emperor AU Oneshot

A/N: Meh, possibly a little basic since it was hastily written, but I felt like writing something other than my main story! I’ll post on AO3 as well~ A baby dose of smut at the end, under 18 please do not interact. 

Also this isn’t proofread cuz yeah, so any mistakes please ignore lmfao

---

“Thank you, come again sir!” You said, in as cheerful a tone as you could muster, as you handed over an overflowing cup of assorted, chopped fruits to an older gentleman regular. Now that it was early summer and your family farm’s harvest had been abundant, you and your baby sister sold fruit daily in the small but bustling market of your village. Your stand was successful, owing to the freshness of the produce and the polite cheerfulness you and your sister exuded. 

“I’m surprised you’re still out here!” The old man warned you, steadying himself on his cane as he held the cup with his other hand.

“Of course I am! Who else would serve you your afternoon snack?” You joked, tapping the old man on the shoulder playfully.

He returned an edentulous smile. “Just be careful, young miss!’ He warned, turning to leave.

“Understood, uncle!”

I wonder why he was surprised to see me out here…, you thought but decided to dispel the thought immediately. The old man was a little kooky anyway.

Now that it seemed that the afternoon rush was starting to wane, you inspected your stores and realized you need to replenish. You moved to the back to start preparing more of the fruit, then waved your little sister over.

“Lily, we’re running out of watermelon. Can you be a dear and bring some more?” You whispered to the plucky nine-year-old. “Are you strong enough to carry it?”

“Of course sis!” She grinned and showed a fist. “I’ll be back in a flash!” 

With that, she ran off, down the hill to the farm to collect more fruit. While you were waiting, you continued to work on slicing peaches and mangoes, humming softly as you worked. It was warm outside, even warmer in the tiny shack, and sweat was collecting on your brow as you prepared the next few cups. Once you were done, you would take a short break to get some water, so you focused on your work.

That was until you heard the clip-clop and short whinny of a horse arriving outside the stand. Since Lily was still gone, you rinsed your hands clean with a small bucket of clear water, and went to the front to serve them. 

“Hello, and welcome!” You said, brightly, still drying your hands on the apron, until you looked up and saw not the wandering traveler on horseback as you expected, but a stunning man in the garb of an imperial guard reining in the most regal-looking horse you had ever seen. 

You began to shake, and the guard gave a disarming yet malicious grin as he sensed your fear. 

“I come on orders of the Emperor,” he announced, his voice loud and spirited, and leaned over the counter of the shack, both elbows now propping up his chin. You fell prostrate at the word Emperor, on the sun-baked dirt of the road, but the guard only laughed.

“Get up, I’m not the Emperor, no need for formalities.”

You shook your head, knowing that anyone who had his seal was effectively representing the sovereign and you were just a lowly village girl. What right did you have to hold your head up high?

“Stubborn, are you?” He mused. He entered the shack, which made your heart pound in terror, and nudged you with his boot, then knelt to your side.

“If you don’t get up, you’re disobeying a direct order, and that truly would be a cause for death,” he said. With that, you immediately got up and folded your arms before you, bowing slightly.

“Hello sir, how may I serve you today?” 

“That’s better,” he said, now leaving the shack and returning to the counter. 

“Serve me an assortment and a cup of water. I’m parched.” You nodded quickly, and went to the back to present him with these items. As he drank, you watched him shyly, having never seen someone from the empire this far in the outskirts.

While the guard was stunning, he was odd-looking: pale with hair an unnatural crimson, a slender, pointed face, and heavy-lidded amber eyes, reminiscent of a golden dragon. Even though he spoke in a sing-song voice, he seemed like he could breathe fire at any time. He noticed you watching, and placed the cup down forcefully before he started on the fruit. 

“Like what you see?” He teased. It was already hot in the shack, but now you were burning up. He continued to eat in quiet but ravenously, licking his lips to collect the juices running  watching you carefully as though making a grade in his head.

It turns out he was, because the next thing he said, shocked your entire system.

“It’s your lucky day, little flower. Today is the third wave of concubine selection, and I’ll be your ticket into the palace.”

You were dumbstruck. Concubine selection? Palace? No, what you did was sell fruit, take care of your sister and parents, and work on the farm. That was your existence, nothing less, nothing more. 

“Why do you look confused?” He repeated, in genuine surprise. “The town criers were all over the land and should have notified all the villages to offer up their women of marriageable age. Did they not make it this far?” He tapped his chin, idly, looking up as he thought. “Well, that’s at least five people who will need to be executed when I make it back.”

It suddenly occurred to you. That’s why the old man had been surprised that you were still out in the open. You should have been hidden. You had heard enough about the stories of women who entered the palace and failed concubine selection only to be made slaves immediately. It was awful. Why hadn’t you hidden? Why hadn’t you known? Why had you been out in the open where everyone could see?

Now it made sense that your mother had not come out today with the two of you. Why she had looked at you so forlornly in the morning as you headed out in the morning, and hugged you extra tightly... Now you were angry. It felt like a betrayal.

You had been quiet for long enough that the imperial guard had grown impatient.

“Let’s go~ I don’t have all day.”

“C-can I say goodbye to my family first?” You pleaded. “They’re just down that hill.”

He gave you a cruel smile. “If I see them, I’m formally required to cut them down for disobeying a royal decree in not registering you for the selection.” With this, he unsheathed the sword at his side, and swung twice in swift, sure strikes. “Which would be fun, I admit.”

You immediately dropped to your knees again in pleading for your family. 

“Don’t worry, I’m too lazy to go down there anyway. Plus, I’m late,” he said, re-sheathing his sword. “How about you grab some more of that fruit for the road?”

Finally mounted on the monster of a horse and holding onto the imperial guard’s waist (he had called himself Imperial Guard Hisoka Morow), you were whisked off to the palace. You looked back at your childhood home with tears in your eyes, knowing that unless you caught the eye of the Emperor or received the favor of a high-ranking concubine, you would never have the luxury of seeing your family again. Off in the distance, you could see Lily, running up the hill, a watermelon in hand, and your heart broke.

----

Your entry into the palace was a whirlwind. In seconds,  you were treated to more extravagance than you had ever had in your life - inspected by the imperial physicians for health and disease, bathed in milk and rose petals, and dressed in vibrant and soft silk more extravagant that you had ever seen in your life, under the supervision of Imperial Guard Hisoka who stood outside the preparation area, monitoring the transformation of ugly duckling into swan. 

You stepped out on shoes that were like stilts, unable to walk and unsteady, stabilized by Hisoka’s hand outstretched for you. Your ears still stung painfully from the multiple fresh piercings to accommodate the ornate jewelry now framing your face. 

“W-why are you so invested in me?” You asked Hisoka, who helped you a few steps before calling for a palace maid to accompany you. He walked by your side, hands behind his back, staring straight ahead as you continued to hobble. 

“You seem like you have potential, and it’s always good to have an ally in the harem.” He got closer as he whispered this last portion.

“If the emperor doesn’t want you, I’ll add you to my household. I’m quite impressed by how well you clean up.”

You couldn’t tell if it was fear or excitement that caused the flutter in your belly, but you almost stumbled, and Hisoka caught you. Looking at the hapless palace maid by your side, his eyes narrowed.

“You are well aware that a single scrape can cause her disqualification. If she falls, I will have you executed, so accompany her knowing that your life is at stake.” Hisoka threatened. The maid looked like she had aged ten years at once. You were afraid for her, and for yourself, now making sure to take every next step slowly and carefully. 

Hisoka grinned, likely relishing in the extreme power he had over others. 

“I’ll see you at the selection~” He sang cheerfully, as he trudged ahead, sword by his side. 

----

Emperor Zoldyck looked from his throne out at the women kneeling on one knee before him, with their attendants, hoping for a look in their direction. Uninterested as usual, the young man, sovereign over multiple nations through subjugation of his four younger siblings, sighed and called over his lead advisor and right hand man, Imperial Guard Hisoka. 

While he was uncreatively named the Treacherous Emperor for his upheaval of the kingdom after his father’s death, he was as beautiful as he was powerful, and so the noblewomen continued to dote on him. However, despite this, he had yet to select his consorts and had never taken a legitimate wife before ascending to power. There were rumors that he was in love with his favorite guard, and this was fueled by the fact that he was bold enough to sit on a throne on his left side rather than stand guard, crossing his legs and looking onto the crowd of women as well.

“I added a few to the selection by the way, your Majesty,” Hisoka whispered to the emperor to the side. “There were a few stragglers.”

The emperor shrugged impassively. “Point out those you found fascinating. I can’t be bothered with this.”

Hisoka’s eyes gleamed as he pointed straight at you, and two other women. Fear struck your heart.

“Rise,” the emperor said, beckoning. You stood up stick-straight from your spot, not having any home training, and stumbled forward, falling into the woman before you. Who fell into the woman before her. Who fell into the woman before her…

Hisoka started to laugh uncontrollably as you got up quickly, gathering your dress, and kicked off your shoes, prostrating yourself again before the Emperor, repeating “I deserve to die, I deserve to die, I deserve to die, I deserve to die.”

The two women who had gracefully made their way to the front smiled and snickered softly, regarding her. Hisoka had to stifle a laugh as well, but the emperor, hoping to establish a sense of order, then turned to look at the rest of his imperial guards.

“Drag those two out.”

The two women froze in fear, and just like that, were carried away, kicking and screaming.

Hisoka, surprised himself, held his laughter, and raised his eyebrows at the emperor. You continued to prostate yourself, crying for having disgraced yourself to the emperor. Exasperated, he rose and without regarding you, exited to his right side.

“The selection is concluded for today.”

And just like that, hundreds of people dispersed. 

Hisoka knelt beside you again, giving you an amused, sardonic look. “I knew you’d be entertaining.” He called your attendant back and ordered her to take you to the temporary lodging palace.

“Once you’re done, go to the office of punishment to receive 10 lashes for allowing her to fall,” Hisoka said to her to your and her dismay.

“It was my fault!” You pleaded.

“Yeah, but you may or may not become one of the Emperor’s precious things. So~” His smile widened. You felt the blood run cold, but accepted defeat. “Rendezvous at the same place tomorrow morning. You haven’t been eliminated yet.”

---

Sleep didn’t come easily to you, and by the time morning arrived, the palace maids had to work twice as hard to smooth out the fatigue on your face, as you made it to the selection again. 

This time, the hundreds of women had been split to a select fifty, and you were surprised that you were called. Also noticeably, this time you were closer to the front, rather than in the back, right corner as you had been in the middle. The goal was probably to decrease the number of obstacles you’d have to go through, to your embarrassment. On your way here, you’d already  heard the whispers:

She looks so country…

She can’t even walk in those heels, she was a walking casualty…

Not to mention, she got the other two unfairly punished!

You still continued to concentrate on your balance as selection continued and each woman was individually scrutinized, then it came up to your turn again. This time, your attendant, her butt probably still sore from the 10 merciless lashes given yesterday afternoon, was extremely careful helping you up as you stood before the Emperor. 

You avoided looking into his eyes.

“Greetings to you, your Royal Highness,” you said in a practiced manner, hoping to cover up your country accent.

“Passed.” he said in a calm, even voice. His voice was assuring and alluring but you were in a frenzy of emotions.

Passed? What does that mean, “passed”? 

Before you could figure out what passed meant, you were dragged away.

----

It was when Imperial Guard Hisoka came in congratulations, surrounded by a group of senior palace maids, the ones that worked in the central palace only, and two eunuchs, that you figured out what ‘passed’ meant. You were being favored.

Your heart pounded and thumped and cried the entire time you were dressed and prepared. 

Fear of not being good enough. Anxiety of what was to come. Anger of leaving your family. Determination to remain in the emperor’s favor. 

If you were to lose favor, it would be all over for you.

Stripped to your undergarments, made up, and wrapped up in a red quilt, you were carried over to the emperor’s personal quarters, where you knelt in your underwear until he pulled back the silk curtain.

“I am at your service, your Royal Highness,” you said with eyes lowered, hands clammy, face flushed, and heart screaming in your chest.

“Your accent… is entertaining. You may rise.” 

You rose to your feet, hiding your body with your hands in shame. You were so exposed, so vulnerable both physically and in terms of power dynamic. In the snap of his fingers, he could have you executed.

You looked up and finally paid attention to his face, and immediately fell in awe. He was really as beautiful as they said.

His hair was long, lustrous and soft looking, and he had soft features, and smooth skin like a child. But most beautiful of all were his large, doe-like eyes. Despite the fact that you knew he was known to be cruel and quick to dole out punishment, even back in the countryside where you were from, you couldn’t help but fall for these doe-like eyes. 

“What is your name?”

You said your name in a soft mumble, and he repeated it, trying the words on his lips.

“Well,” he said your name out loud again, “I’ve decided to start the harem with you.”

With that, he moved quickly as you were left to process. You let out a gasp as he lifted you up in his strong arms; you reflexively put your arms around his neck. He paused, and looked at your lips longingly before placing you on the royal bed. 

Once you were on your back, he climbed onto the bed, straddling you on both sides. Your whole body started to quiver as you pulled into yourself, but he placed one hand gently on your cheek.

“Relax.” With that he leaned in, his lips cold but soft as they pressed to yours. You felt your body be consumed entirely with that kiss and your body relaxed, your arms and legs laying uselessly by your sides. You don’t remember when your undergarments were removed, but the thin fabric had disappeared, possibly ripped away by him as he distracted you with his tongue exploring your mouth.

He was intoxicating. His kisses traveled from your lips, to your neck, to your collarbones, to  your nipples, abdomen and finally down into your core, where you arched in pleasure, adjusting to a sensation you’ve never yet experienced. His hands traveled gently up and down your thighs as his tongue ran circles, spirals, and figure eights around your clit, and his tongue pierced your warm center, making you moan unintelligibly in pleasure.

“Call me by my name,” he said, his voice about an octave lower as the palm of his hand worked your bud and the tips of fingers worked the sensitive nipple of your breasts.

“Y-your Highness!”

He gave himself two pumps before entering you slowly, giving you a moment to adjust and then thrusting himself forward to the hilt, then pausing, flipping his hair back to keep it out of his face as he hung over you, completely inside. 

You were letting out small, soft whimpers, as you tried to adjust to his size. It was uncomfortable but it hurt in a way that felt good. He didn’t move and you stayed where you were, and he continued to focus on looking at you straight in the eyes.

“No, call me Illumi.”

“Illu..mi,”  you complied, still breathless.

“Good,” he said, as he started to pick up speed. 

The moment seemed to last forever, as your euphoria continued to rise and rise, and he thrust harder and harder inside of you, as if he intended to make a royal descendant that very night. The room was filled with your whimpers and moans, and soon, he let out very soft groans as he finally reached his limit. Your coil snapped first and you released, your vagina seeming to milk him of all he had. Then his final thrust came, and he tipped over as well, filling you to overflow with his royal semen.

He parted from you, and rolled beside you, not saying a word. He didn’t hold you, but existing, in the bed with him, somehow felt like enough. He was the emperor, it could be more transactional than that, but it wasn’t. He had held you, and had put his lips to yours. It was enough for now. You’d only be one of many.

But you were still curious.

“Why me?” 

“Why not you?”

You felt your face grow warm. It was as good an answer as any other. He was the emperor, he could do whatever he wanted. You wondered if you were done.

He got up and walked over to a chest, placed far away from the bed you’d both soiled with sweat and body fluid. You sat up, watching him, curious as to what he was doing. If he would leave, or have you escorted out.

He pulled out something small in his hand that you couldn’t see.

“Turn around,” he ordered.

You obeyed, and he knelt behind you on the bed, his fingers in your hair, affixing the top of your hair into a high bun, then securing it with whatever he had in hand. 

Before you finally drifted off to sleep, you took a peek at the mirror across the room to observe his handiwork; little did you know, he had placed a seal in your hair designating you as his - a single, round-capped yellow pin.

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[chayacat]

Devil’s Sweet Star (5)

Fandom: Dead by Daylight

Ghostface x Female Reader  

Rated M for Violence, Language and Smut  

***

The days are the same and fortunately for you, no further attempted aggression has been committed on you. But it's not the police you have to thank for that, but just yourself. Because when you tried to file a complaint against your attacker, all the police were able to tell you was that there was nothing they could do. Because as you bear no stigma, no trace of blow ... there would be no point in filing a complaint. You sigh just by thinking about it, decidedly the mentality of some police officers will always surprise you. You really wonder what criteria they are recruited on.  

While you were serving a few clients, your gaze was slowly moving towards Jed, leaning over those drafts blackened by his pencil. God he’s beautiful when he is focused... something about him attracts you when he's in that state. But now is not the time to be lost in your thoughts! Let's stay professional first! you walk towards him a tea in hand that you lay on the table, bringing him out of his concentration. He gave you a smile, that angelic smile that could melt all hearts. We remain professional I said!

“I think it'll do you the greatest good, three coffees in a row could turn you into a ball of nerve. always immersed in your research about this ... Hoggins?” You said looking down to the papers.

“Yeah, I need to know a couple of things about him for this reception...so I could more easily slip into the crowd and rummage through his stuff without him noticing anything. Can you imagine if I find anything compromising about this story? This will create the biggest scandal this city... this state has never known.” he responds with some enthusiasm.

“You could also be killed so no one knows. That Hoggins is a very influent man. He could hire someone to kill you and your peers, like that bastard... Forget it. I can’t believe what the police told me... What are they waiting for? that I'm dying to act?”  

“This the reason why I rather fend for myself and solve problems in my own way. and that's what I plan to do with Mike. he thinks he can belittle me and hit me with impunity, he is seriously mistaken. I'll take the time it takes, but one day I'll give him back the blows he'll take from me.” He replies putting his glasses back.  

“Well, not so shy as I thought after all.”

“I am someone who interacts with people based on how they act with me. If they put me lower than earth ... I do the same.”  

He sipped his tea while putting a little order on the table. You can't help but look at his piercing blue eyes, so attractive, that's what makes all his charm, his major asset. When they stared at you, you feel your cheeks blush slightly and with a little embarrassed laugh, you get up and start heading to the counter ready to welcome new customers.

“You know...” Jed starts making you stop and turn to him. “I was thinking... that you could go with me to this reception. If I say you're with me, I don't think it's going to be a problem.” he said with a little smile.  

“What?? Me?? Jed I... It’s really nice of you but...I’m not a journalist and even less a girl from high society. I wouldn't feel like I belong there. And then I might embarrass you in your work...I don’t know if it’s a really good idea.” you answer putting a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Why not? I'm going to have a good night at this reception too. But knowing Melina and Mattew, they're going to go their own way and leave me alone lost in the middle of people I don't know. So, if I can share it with a friend... And chat with someone I like and know... I'd rather you came.”  

“Well...okay. Thanks Jed. I appreciate that you've thinking about me.”

The door opened and a woman entered the café. Given the outfit she was wearing, she was either working in the office or she was a businesswoman. But a horrible thrill pierced you when you saw in the distance Mc Kellan a smile on the corner. Whoever this woman is, this scumbag knows her for sure.

“Are you the owner of The Nebula?” said the woman by looking around her.

“Yes. Can I help you?” you answer a little worried.

“Let me introduce myself: Mrs Alice Milton. Hygiene inspector. Mr. Kellan has informed me that you are not complying with certain health measures and I am here to check. You don't mind, do you?

“No... Not at all.” you said, trying to stay calm.  

Mrs Milton began to do his inspection. She checked every table, every seat, every window. No object escaped his gaze. Then she went to the back shop to check the reserves and worktops. She wrote down two or three things on her notebook and went on.

You observe her, the fear in your stomach, trembling slightly to the simple fact that she could make fall the cleaver on you. You suddenly feel a hand resting on your shoulder, it was Jed's. He gave you a big smile to reassure you, calm your fears and make you understand that whatever she says, he will help you.

Mrs. Milton put away her belongings without saying a word, then left the café to go to McKellan. From the counter you could see them chatting, Mc Kellan didn't look happy and the young woman tried to calm him down. You'd like to be a pigeon or a fly to find out what they're telling each other.

Suddenly you see Mc Kellan driving away without Mrs. Milton. This one came back to the café but for some reason, you feel more comfortable...as if she were just becoming a customer like the others. And this was confirmed when she smiled at you, a reassuring smile, a friendly smile.  

“You can breathe now, he's gone. I'm sorry I did this with you. But I had to stay professional in front of him. You are not Horace's first victim. Can I?” She said, looking at Jed’s table.  

“Sure.” Jed simply said.

“You look like... not to appreciate him either.” you said while keeping your distance.

“Not really. Horace trusts very few people. He's a very selfish man. Who wants to impose his laws and his manners on everyone. and as soon as someone dares to oppose him... He's calling on me to ‘make the vermin flow’. As I said, you’re not the first one on his list, and you won’t be the last.”

“I have no doubt about that. Coffee?” you ask her before filling her a cup when she nodded. “What did you say to him? Outside.”

“That I found nothing. And as always, he was upset. I said I'll continue my search...But don’t worry I won't do anything. On the other hand, be careful, He’s not likely to give up so easily. And if he gets more upset, he'll make you killing and throwing in Dry Creek.”

Jed says nothing but Danny burns internally, if someone has the right to kill you...It’s him and ONLY him. That's one more reason to kill McKellan. This guy is not only dangerous for you, but for Danny's reputation. There can only be one killer here and Danny is not the type to share the scene. Danny has no choice. He has to get rid of Mc Kellan first. Mike can wait a bit.  

“What can I do?” you ask worried.  

“Do nothing toward him. Everything you do, he’ll turn it against you. And he’ll get what he wants. I suggest you to protect yourself. Or at least not to be alone in case he'll send you another assailant. Always have something to defend yourself. Or someone.” said Mrs Milton.

You nodded and after a few minutes of conversation, Mrs Milton leaves the coffee, wishing you good luck. You clean Jed's table, who was tidying up his belongings, getting ready to leave. He wrote something on a sheet which he handed you with a little smile. You tilt your head to the side, an eyebrow raised.

“My phone number, in case you’ll need something. Or just want to talk.” He said.  

“Jed come on...I can...” you start to answer before seeing he’s insisting. You sight, taking the sheet on your hand. “Fine...Thanks Jed. I’ll owe you one. More than one in fact.”

“I know you’ll help me someday. So, don’t worry. Oh and... I love your praline and coconut cake. A strange but very interesting mix.” he said before leaving, weaving his hand with that angelic smile on his face.

The rest of the day took place and it must be admitted that it was quite sporty. It's hard to handle so many people on your own. But until you have some financial stability, you can't hire someone at the moment. After your usual closing ritual, you go home. Next goal:  buys a pepper spray or a small knife, just in case.

You pick up your mail and go back to your apartment. What a relief to finally be at home. You put your belongings on the couch, the letters in a bowl dedicated to your mail and you head to the kitchen. Family's photos decorated some walls of the apartment reviving wonderful memories... But also, painful wounds. Homemade carbonara pasta for the evening will suit perfectly. it is rare that you take industrial products. As you put all the ingredients on the worktop, the phone rang.

Who can call you at this hour? You don't remember giving someone your landline number since you arrived. You ignore the call and go back to your business when it rang again. Someone's really trying to reach you. You take the handset of the phone determined to know who can call you at this time. Every time, it's a number error.

“Hello? Who’s on the phone?” you said.

“Oh. You're not my aunt. Sorry I got the wrong number.” respond the other person on the phone.  

Jackpot.

“It doesn't matter, it happens to everyone. Good night.” you replied as start to hang up.  

“Wait, wait!  Can... can we talk a little bit more? I never heard such a beautiful voice like yours before.”  

“Quite a charmer, are you? Well, if you want. if it can make you happy.” You answer with a little laugh.

“Thanks. It's rare for people who take the time to chat with strangers on the phone. Usually, they hang up immediately or never respond. Nice shirt by the way.”  

" well, it's usually rare to answer numbers that...” You start before realizing what he said last. “excuse me...What did you just say?”

“I said nice shirt. Purple suits you well.”

“H-how do you know that?”  

“... Raise your head.”

You gradually raise your head and face the building in front of yours. In the window that faced yours, you see him. A man with a white mask was there, tilting his head waving his hand to say hello.

“See me now?” He chuckles.

“Who the f*** are you ??” You respond even if you already know the answer.  

“What a lovely language...Well, I'm sure you already know the answer but if you insist. You can call me: Ghostface. I think I'm gonna call you...”

“what do you want?”

“Just talk. As I said, I never heard such a beautiful voice before...and never see such a pretty face like yours too.”

“call a prostitute if you want to chat, you freaking weirdo.” You replied ready to hang up.

“Tsk tsk. No no no my little star...if you hang up...you won’t see the sun rise tomorrow. Or your dear nerdy friend won’t see it.”

“Leave Jed alone! It’s between you and me! if you dare to touch him, I swear...” you say angrily before hearing him laugh.  

“Calm down my sweet little star... The truth is, I don't intend to touch him. It is thanks to him that I have acquired this beautiful but sinister reputation. He makes me the star of Roseville. We need each other. But let's talk about you. I must admit that I find it difficult to understand how such beauty as you live in such city. You must have a good reason.”

“It’s none of your business. I can ask you the same thing.”

“Well, I want to leave a trace in this miserable world. I want everyone remember my name. But for that I have to move across all the country. You know what? I'm going to let you live for now. But I advise you not to tell the police about our little conversation. It will pain me a lot to disfigure such a pretty face ... and a pretty body. And don't worry, we'll meet again. Good night my sweet little star... Have a beautiful dream.” He said chuckling before hanging up.  

You hang up the phone on the table and when you look back at the window, he was gone. Like a shadow in the night. You take a deep breathe, rubbing your face in your hands and sit on the sofa. Deep down, you felt that sooner or later you would face him. But not so quickly. Fortunately for you, he is not determined to make you a new victim of his macabre round. But for how long? you hope for as late as possible.

Unknowingly, my dear little star you fell into the spider's web. Without knowing it you have caught the attention of the devil.  

And that's just the beginning.

***

(Done! I'm glad to see you like it! And I hope it will continue! By the way I recently watched The Boy and discovered that dear Brahms~ And I must confess that he does not leave me indifferent. What a lovely British accent he has~ See ya! )