#i want to go to therapy on thursday and i also want to cancel because my mom doesnt want to drive me

[fingertipsmp3]

I feel like I’ve lived through at least a month just in the past 3 days. I checked the date just now and damn near had an out of body experience when I realised Monday was only two days ago

[freakoutgirl]

Everything feels out of my control but also targeting me or making people upset and I can't do anything

[therealcocoshady]

Recovery - Chapter 5

Eminem x Reader (Y/N) fanfiction

Summary : Y/N spends the evening with Marshall after avoiding him for weeks.

Tags : -

For the following weeks, you drowned yourself into your work in order to restrain from thinking about Simon or Marshall. The only people you saw were either at university, at home or at meetings. You were especially grateful for the latter, as you found yourself craving relief from either pills or alcohol. Thankfully, going to meetings and therapy kept you sane and you were able to fight the urge. You went to the studio once or twice, as Jamal invited you, but you sort of avoided Marshall. You saw him, but apart from greetings and small talk you didn’t go out of your way to have actual conversations and meaningful exchanges with him. 

Thursday night came and, for the first time ever, you had the house to yourself. Jamal and Talia were celebrating their fifth anniversary by going on a dinner date. Your best friend was so worried for you that she almost cancelled their plans, much to her boyfriend’s dismay. Thankfully, you had convinced her to leave you alone in the house. 

I’ll be fine, you said. You guys deserve a night out. 

Are you going to be ok ? I’ll have my phone with me and you can call me if you need ! She said. 

Babe, you’re worrying too much. She should be fine for a few hours, Jamal said rolling his eyes. 

Yes ! You said. And I promise the house will be intact when you come back. I won’t set it on fire or anything, you added jokingly. 

You sent them off to their date with a smile. Before closing the door, Jamal looked at you and pulled you in for a quick conversation. 

Look, I know you’ll be fine, we trust you and shit, but you know you can also call Marshall if you need, right ? Actually, it might be cool if you did. He asked about you the other day. I think he misses you at the studio, he said with a wink. 

Really ? You asked. 

Yeah. He seems to really like you. I don’t think I have seen him like this with anyone else. And I’m not dumb, you know. 

What do you mean ? 

I know you like him. 

What ? I don’t, you said with embarrassment.

Is there any other reason why you have avoided him like the plague these past three weeks ? Or any conversation about him ? Jamal asked with a grin. 

It’s… complicated. Can we leave it at that ? You pleaded. 

Look, it’s none of my business, but you like him and he cares a lot about you. It’s all I’m saying, he said before leaving. 

You were kind of intrigued by what Jamal had told you. Had Marshall really asked about you ? If so, why hadn’t he called you directly ? 

After giving it a lot of thought, you decided to text him. 

To : M 

Hey. How are you ? 

You felt your phone buzzing almost immediately. It was him calling you. 

Hey, he said. Are you alright ? 

Yes, you said. How are you ? 

I’m good. 

There was a moment of awkward silence. 

Am I bothering you ? You asked. 

I’m the one who called you, he said with a chuckle. 

Right, you said as you blushed in embarrassment. 

I’m not busy anyway. I’m at home just chilling. Do you want to come over and hang out ? He offered. 

Uh… sure. Text me the address and I’ll get a cab. 

Will do. 

He texted you his address and you quickly got ready. You kind of struggled to choose an outfit. You wanted it to send just the right message : “I made an effort because I want you to see what you missed the other night but I also don’t want you to think I am trying too hard”. After a careful examination of your entire closet, you put on a pair of skinny jeans that showed off your figure, a simple tee-shirt and your hoodie from Uni. You knew the jeans showcased your ass perfectly and, since he had already seen you topless, it was just the area to highlight. 

You called a cab and got to his place. You’d never been here before. You found yourself in front of a mansion that was easily five times as big as your childhood home. You rang the doorbell and were greeted by Marshall who just got out of the shower, all dressed but his hair still wet. You were scared it would be awkward, seeing him for the first time in three weeks, but he greeted you in his usual way, by giving you a hug. Only, it felt a little different this time, probably because it was just the two of you, and you could remember the feeling of his skin against yours. 

Thanks for coming, he said as he led you to the living room. 

I’m happy to see you, you confessed. 

Are you ? I’ll be honest, I kind of thought you were avoiding me, he said with a shrug. You were sort of… distant ? 

I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me either. You haven’t called or visited Talia and Jamal like you usually do. 

I was thinking you might need time to think. 

“About what ?”, you almost asked. But you didn’t. You didn’t want to make things awkward. 

I’m a bit better now, you told him. 

Good.  So… do you want to talk about last time or…? 

Do you think we should ? You asked anxiously. 

You weren’t sure there was a need to add anything. And you were sort of embarrassed at the memory that you jumped on him and he pushed you away. 

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, he said. 

It’s fine, Marshall. We’re adults, you said. 

So you understand why I pushed you away ? He asked carefully. 

Look, you don’t like me like that, and that’s ok, you said. I acted on impulse. You were here, I was sad and hurt, I needed to change my mind, I was attracted to you and… well, you were here so you remember what came next… 

I think you’re amazing, he rectified. I didn’t want to take advantage of whatever it is that you felt that night. 

You looked at him, biting your lower lip. It’s true that, as horny as you were, you probably weren’t in your right mind. If anything further had happened between the two of you, it might have added to your confusion. You nodded. 

Also, I’ve had time to think about it some more, he admitted. And I know for sure it would have been a bad idea anyway. 

Yeah, maybe, you said, even though you felt a little disappointed. 

I mean, I’m almost twice your age and you’re recovering, so… 

Yeah, yeah, I know, you cut him. 

Even though you knew he was right, you didn’t really want to hear it.

I’m glad we’re on the same page then, he said with a smile. 

Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t want things to be weird. I just… you started. 

I know. We’re cool, he assured you.  

You stared at each other for a few seconds and chuckled. His smile helped you ease a little, although you couldn’t help but feel a tad disappointed. As right as his arguments were, you were having trouble getting the other night out of your head. 

I was about to watch a movie when you called. Want to do that ? He offered. 

Sure. What are we watching ? 

I’m in the mood for something scary. Why don’t you pick ? 

There’s one I haven’t been able to get through, you admitted. It’s « Us ». Have you seen it ?

Really ? You’re that much of a pussy ? He joked. 

Shut up ! It’s really scary, ok ? I had to stop midway. It gave me nightmares. 

I haven’t seen it, but now, you got me intrigued, he admitted. Come on. 

He got up and waited for you to follow him. You were already in the living room in front of a massive TV. You were confused. 

Aren’t we going to watch it here ? 

No. It’ll be better in the home theater, on the big screen, he explained. 

He led you to his movie room that had a big screen and huge couches. It could easily fit twenty people, with plenty of room to spare. The room was complete with a fridge and every couch had pillows and throws on it. Perks of having a lot of money, you guessed. 

Drinks ? He offered while opening the fridge, which seemed to contain all the sorts of alcohol-free beverages you could think of. 

Yeah, sure. I’ll have a Dr Pepper please. 

You sat next to each other and started the movie. The room was pitch black and the only light was coming from the screen. Every scene seemed to startle you, which never failed to make Marshall laugh. 

Come on !!! You can’t tell me that isn’t scary, you said. 

I don’t have time to be scared, you’re shitting your pants for the both of us, he chuckled. 

Shut up, you pouted. 

One very scary scene came up and you spilled your soda all over yourself and Marshall. 

Shit, I’m sorry 

Relax, he said. 

Your top was soaking wet and so were the tee-shirt underneath and your bra. Thankfully your jeans were intact. 

Marshall got up and brought tee-shirts for the two of you to change. 

Give me your clothes, I'll put them in the wash, he said.

You turned around and took your wet clothes off as he did the same. You put on the tee-shirt he gave you and turned back, only to see him shirtless, which made you blush. Thank god the room was still dark enough. He was staring at you intensely. 

Are you alright ? You asked. 

Yeah, he said as he bit his lip while quickly putting on a clean tee-shirt.  

Had he been staring at your naked back ? You found yourself amused by the idea. You were also slightly aroused by the sight of him half naked, even though it was dark and you couldn’t see much. You knew you shouldn’t be thinking about him that way, but you couldn’t help it.  You sat back and resumed the movie. Once again, you jumped at every scene. 

Thank God you don’t have a drink anymore, my wardrobe wouldn’t be big enough to provide changes of clothes, he laughed. 

Shut up, you said. 

Quit the attitude, he playfully warned you. Or I’ll leave you alone to watch the movie. 

Please don’t, you pleaded.

The only reason you kept watching is because you were with him. You were so scared you wouldn’t be able to watch it on your own. Especially in such a big house. 

What is so scary anyway ? He asked. I mean, it’s kind of creepy but it’s not too bad. 

There’s just something about the atmosphere you know ? You explained. Also, I once got lost in a fun fair when I was four and it reminds me of that time. I thought I’d never find my dad back. My mom had died a couple of years before and I… I thought I would never have a family again.It was super scary. 

He nodded and put his arm around your shoulders. 

Better ? He asked. 

Mmmh, you nodded as you felt yourself blushing. 

You rested your head on his shoulder and watched the rest of the movie. 

God you move so much it’s impossible to focus, Marshall complained. I should tie you up or something. 

You stared at him with your mouth slightly opened as you waited for him to realize what he had just said. 

Not like that. Idiot, he rolled his eyes laughing.  

Perv, you said playfully. 

Don’t start, he warned you with a smile. 

You bit your lip, knowing full well you could be bratty enough to indeed start. However, you decided to be reasonable and not to do anything. 

We have about twenty minutes of movie left. You think you can sit still ? He asked with a grin. 

You rolled your eyes and watched the screen as your only answer. Only you weren’t really watching. Your mind wandered and you thought of Marshall’s touch as his hand grazed your arm. His words came to mind. You wouldn’t be against him tying you… you gnawed on your lip. You were a horny mess. You had been for about three weeks now. You took a look at him, focused on the screen.  It was hard not to stare at his face. His blue eyes, his nose, his perfect lips. You didn’t really believe in God, but if He did exist, Marshall was a fine specimen of His creation. You forced yourself to look at the screen but soon found yourself burying your face in Marshall’s neck as a screamer scene came on. He jumped a bit, probably more startled by you than the movie. 

Pussy, he whispered before laughing. 

You didn’t reply, your face still in his neck, but you still lifted your middle finger in his face. As a response, he firmly grabbed your wrist and put your hand down. He let out a sigh. 

I’m gonna have to teach you some manners, Y/N, he scolded you. 

You started it, you replied. 

Still, you should learn how to respect your elders, he joked. 

Ok grandpa, you whispered in his ear. 

Fuck you, you brat. 

You let out a laugh as the movie came to an end. You were still in Marshall’s arms and, even though you were glad the movie was over, you wanted the moment to last a bit longer. 

So ? You liked the movie ? You asked. 

I did enjoy the few parts I could focus on, he said with a smile. You know, when you weren’t ruining my clothes or jumping on me. 

It was scary ! You defended yourself. 

Some parts were kinda creepy, he admitted. But you’re worse than a kid with ADHD ! 

I’m not ! 

You are. And it’s the last time I’m ever watching a movie with you, he said with a laugh.

You pretended to pout as you crossed your arms to your chest. Marshall proceeded to ignore you as he got up to turn off the movie and turn on the lights. 

Pouting won’t work, he said with a grin. Three kids, remember ? 

You playfully rolled your eyes at his comment. 

Behave, Y/N, he said. 

Make me, old man.

Before you could move, he was pinning you to the couch, crushing you with his weight. 

Now, you better apologize to me, he said with a smirk. 

In your dreams, maybe, you replied. 

He proceeded to put even more weight on you, crushing you even more. You could hardly breathe. 

Marshall… you pleaded. 

Apologize, he said playfully yet firmly.  

You ignored his order as you tried to squirm from under him. He did his best to pin you down, grabbing your wrists in his hand and holding your arms over your head. It was not the desired effect but you found the situation extremely hot. To be fair, you didn’t need much. Without really meaning to, you let out a soft moan. 

Y/N… Marshall groaned. 

God, your name in his mouth sounded so hot. You looked at him with so much desire. He closed his eyes and maintained his firm grip on your wrists. 

You’re a brat, he whispered in your ears. 

That’s why you like me, you whispered back. 

Fuck it, he said as his eyes darkened and his face moved closer to yours.

[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.

[rainynerdoafpainter]

My therapist canceled our session for today. She sent me an email yesterday at 4pm and I didn't see it until 20 minutes before our session when I was looking to fill out the questionnaire. She asked to reschedule for Thursday afternoon. I start classes on Thursday and I have work. I'm not mad at her or even disappointed in her, just a lot more hopeless for myself. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks and with this week it will be 4. I havent replied to her email and I wont until Friday to reschedule another time, whenever. I dont really care at this point. These past 3 weeks have been so hard, ive thrown up, over-excerised, lost 4 pounds, gained four pounds, my body shaking because I havent ate in so long, purple hands and legs, so little energy my friends begin to ask why, extreme irritability, on the verge of passing out, debilitating headaches and worst of all, no matter how much weight I lose, its never enough. Yeah I dont want help or to recover but maybe, just maybe, for one second I could believe that im not broken. That I am more than my trauma, eating disorder and hardships. But when I saw that email this morning, it just solidified everything. I am hopeless and I will never be happy. Ive lost a little over 15 pounds and my stomach is still not flat. Being 5'2 means that I wont be skinny until 110. I am at 120. After I saw the cancelation email, I went back to my room to start crying and dissociating. I havent cried since our last therapy session, three weeks ago. I also called out of work the entire day. After that of course I was just like- im going to starve myself but I was in such a state of hopelessness, I went to buy so much junkfood. I stopped myself before it got out of hand and to be honest, Im not sure what to do with the rest of the snacks. I cant keep them here, but its 26 dollars worth of it. I cant give it to my roommate because she will leave it in the pantry and I will eat it. Very tempted to just throw everything away, its my fault for buying all that crap.

[raincamp]

7 - 27 - 23

today has been... a lot. i have a lot to talk about because it really just keeps snowballing, ive had the worst fucking BPD episode today

so i wrote this this morning, expecting to get to actually have a session with my therapist today, since yk, i did finally make an appointment with her referral (for context if you didn't read my last posts, she basically said: no appts until i start addiction counseling bc she can't treat addiction) //

"i've been having the worst and most painful fucking week of my life only for everything to be entirely made up by my imagination, oh how i fucking hate paranoid ideation

as i'm writing this i have about an hour before my therapy appointment— which i was one hundred and ten percent sure was going to be rescheduled, and that i was going to be terminated, because apparently my therapist doesn't like me— and i'm having so many urges to like, hurt myself, or do something to prove that I've been in pain this week because now that i've realized it was all just paraoia my pain no longer feels valid, or justifiable, or even real because of my emotional impermanence making it literally impossible for me to relive the emotions i was experiencing even 5 hours ago.

im partly glad that i only blew up at her once, i think i would be so much more embarrassed had i not. not to say that im not entirely ashamed of my entire reaction to something as small as this, but i also feel like she would've been able to understand how much I've been struggling this week if i had. and since I can't wholly remember how it felt, if it exists in somebody else then it makes it more real. idk. i just want my pain to be validated by her so much."

i was fully ready for her to text me today and be like "oh chill you made an appt see you in an hour" but what i got instead was radio silence. so i checked my appointment portal only to see our standing appointments for the next 3 weeks cancelled.

believe me when i say, my heart fucking dropped, i mean like, it was on the fucking floor, i was hit so hard i couldnt breathe for several minutes.

so, yk, i text her begging for an appointment like the pathetic emotional parasite that i am, and all i get in response is a "we can reschedule once you've attended your intake appointment" so i was like, welp, that sucks bc my intake is next week on a Thursday, so now i have to go two weeks without therapy. absolutely triggered the fuck out of me, i was crying, SOBBING on my floor, it just hurt so fucking much. i felt like i was being ripped apart and sewn crudely back together again, over and over again, everytime i calmed down enough to breathe it would start over again, wave after wave of sadness and shame and abandonment and rage and grief and desperation. i just wanted to stop feeling so much PAIN.

and yk what i did, instead of hurting myself like i nornally would, i texted my therapist like i've been taught to in DBT. she's SUPPOSED to be there to help me when i need it. thats literally in her contract.

mid-sob i typed out a message that was more akin to me begging her to pull me out of a sea of misery and perform CPR on me than professionally asking for help, but i genuinely didnt know what to do, and i STILL don't, because distress tolerance only goes so far, ive been feeling like this, constantly, since our last session.

and she just responded with reminding me that she set the boundary a week ago and we talked about a referral 11 days ago, but she was available for an appointment in two weeks (meaning ANOTHER week without therapy, total: 3) . completely ignoring my plea for help. it felt like she was telling me "hey just a reminder, this is entirely a consequence of your own actions. have fun dealing with it yourself!!"

i have fucking BPD, the only way i KNOW how to deal with anything is by hurting either myself or the people around me. and im THIS close to self destructing and quitting therapy altogether.

i am so fucking pissed at her, idk how she can expect me to survive three weeks without stable treatment. especially after i was hospitalized last month for a suicide attempt?? she knows how much im suffering right now. is keeping a boundary really so important that she can't even help me when im hurting this much?

all i want right now is to scream at her, and im definitely going to, at the very least, be as much of an arse as i can over text, idk, i feel like i deserve to let myself be angry at her. its definitely justified, despite what i said before. theres clear evidence now that I wasn't being paranoid.

i just feel so abandoned by her, physically and emotionally, i feel like i have nobody, i feel like im back to where i was before i started treatment. its so frustrating, and painful. and the fact that this is due to an addiction that i dont have any control over is making me feel even worse.

im trying to figure out why she's doing this, like, she's shown shes competent, i genuinely cant understand how doing this is supposed to help me. how is putting me through this much pain going to help? its making me so unstable. and ik im going to relapse again at some point before i get to see her again.

im trying not to think about it anymore, because everytime i do i start crying again. its to the point where i have a killer headache and my eyes hurt so much from the amount of tears ive spilled.

i fucking hate this disorder so much. nobody but me would be this attached to their therapist. normal people would be able to cope with someone setting boundaries easily. this shouldnt be causing me to feel this way. its not fair. im so exhausted from having to hurt so much all the time, at this point its chronic, its become background noise, its my idle state, and im enraged about it.

i hope good omens season 2 lives up to my expectations.

- andrew

[writtenbygen]

Why not

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy on all the reasons “why” he was perfect for me and why we should be together. So for in the future, when I inevitably idealize him again and feel like I should’ve given him more of a chance and maybe we’d be together, here are the reasons why we’re not.

I’ve been sure of him for almost a year. At which point he was fairly in and out. He knew he was a major confidant of mine, yet would often leave texts unanswered and cancel plans without rescheduling. I get it, he doesn’t feel well. But then when I stopped reaching out, going the entire summer without seeing each other and barely speaking at all. Never once checks in on me when I had confided all the problems I was having in the spring. 

Then he miraculously reappears in the fall. Doing a little better. He wants to see me. Then he wants to see me more regularly. He says “yes” to plans and we’re regularly part of each other’s lives. It gets to the point where I can expect to hear from him pretty often. Where he knows what’s going on in my life and I know what’s going on in his. I know he has doctor appointments on Tuesdays and therapy on Thursdays. He texts me to check in at 3pm on the dot when he knows that’s the time my stressful dentist appointment would be over. It starts to feel like a little more than friends. 

Then he drops off again.

Then I have a horrible tragedy—the death of one of the most important people in my life. I call him. Because everything feels so wrong. And I know when I’m with him, I feel like everything is a little more right. He’s there for me. He tells me to come over right away. That first night, I fell apart, and as horrible as it felt to be falling apart, it felt so right that it was his arms that I fell into. I felt safe and loved and at home. I said to him that I wished I could stop existing temporarily and he said “please don’t. I kinda like you.” He put his arm around me and he held me to his chest and I listened to his heartbeat. I told him I never wanted to move and he said I didn’t have to. We sat like that on more than one occasion, 3 separate days.

It was more than a friendship.

Over the coming weeks, he and that old couch in his basement and the little orange flicker of the fake candle underneath the lamp, became my safe place. That grounded me. Daily texts, checking in on me, reminding me he was there. He’s there for me in exactly every way I need him to be. He reaches out, responds, sees me whenever I need him. Comforts me, holds me, lets me cry, distracts me, includes me with his family and friends. He is perfect. He is the supportive partner I’ve always dreamed of. It feels like things are happening. 

Whenever I was feeling lost and alone and overwhelmed by my life, I remembered him. I could text him and he’d always respond. I could invite myself over and be there soon back in his comfort. And even when I couldn’t right away, I could think about it. Just the thought that he was there supporting me, cheering me on, and the thought that I’d see him soon, that he’d be there for me, was enough to get me through the worst days of my life.

He invited me to spend Christmas Day with his family. He invited me to New Year’s Eve with his friends. It felt like things were really “happening.” It definitely felt like more than friends. His mom said she thinks of me as part of the family. The New Year’s “party” was just his close guy friends from high school, and me. It felt like I was his plus-one. This was more than a friendship.

Then he dropped off again.

Daily texting turns into maybe a text or 2 every day or 2. It gets less and less frequent. Less and less interesting. When I ask how he is, I get vague answers. He claims he’s more absent because of his own issues. Maybe that’s true. He says he doesn’t want to talk and isn’t up to talking lately. Yet, he is also extremely hurt and offended that his stupid ex girlfriend won’t make time to talk to him. He wants to talk to HER. But not me. Not me, who he knows is counting on him. Not me, who he knows loves him and is there for him.

I don’t know if he’s spooked because he felt like things were happening with us. I don’t know if he doesn’t feel the same way or is just overwhelmed or is just hung up on his ex. I don’t know if it all really IS just because he’s sick and depressed. And honestly? It doesn’t even matter. I’m sick of not being a priority. I’m sick of him always coming first to me, and me only coming first to him when it’s convenient for him. He’s unreliable and inconsistent. He’s there only when he wants to be. He doesn’t communicate. He shuts me out. He pines for someone who couldn’t care less about him, and shuts me out when I clearly care so much for him.

This is a big case of: if he wanted to, he would. I don’t need to tell him how I feel about him. I can’t, even, because I haven’t seen him. I can’t see him, because he doesn’t want to see me. For almost a month now. But he knows how I feel. I’ve made it very, very obvious, and he’s LITERALLY a rocket scientist. He’s not stupid. He’s always been more observant and less oblivious than he acts. I’ve gotten my answer. No response is a response. I am done putting my life on hold for him. I deserve better than the scraps he throws at me.

In the wake of this, I feel absolutely wrecked by him. In the horribleness of the last couple months, he has been the straw that broke me. I feel absolutely shattered, heartbroken, and abandoned by him. Even though nothing ever “happened,” he can’t possibly have been so thick to not see at the very least that he was extremely important to me and was a huge reason why I wasn’t falling apart (in addition to it just being plain obvious, I actually told him this). He was there for me at my lowest and then gradually phased me out. What, as if I wouldn’t notice? The worst part is, I wasn’t even surprised. He got progressively more and more distant, like he always does. I thought this time would be different. Maybe it was. But he’s still him, and I half-expected that from the start. He’s not going to change. And this is what I’m going to get from him. I’m never going to come first to him. He’s never going to be open and communicate with me. He’s never going to be real with me. It’s always going to be one-sided. I’m just going to pathetically pine for him like he pines for his ex.

I cannot be broken by him one more time. I deserve better than to keep giving him chances thinking that it may turn out differently. I’m not going to give him the opportunity to crush me again.

I can now officially say, I saw this “relationship” through. I gave it a chance. It won’t work out. I see that it won’t work out. These are the reasons why. The reasons why I deserve better than him. There are so many things I love about him, but he makes it impossible and painful to love him. He would be perfect as a hypothetical. But he’s not hypothetical. He’s real, and he’s flawed, and he’s broken me time and time again. Whether or not it’s deliberate or malicious, he has. He’s not horrible, he’s not the worst person ever, but he’s also not as great as I’ve made him out to be in my head. When I put it this way, when I see who he really is and what he’s really done and take off the rose-colored glasses, I can finally see that. I’ve given him way too much power over me and my life. I need to break the cycle. I need to stop giving him chances to hurt me. Things are bad enough right now. The last thing I need is to feel crushed and gutted by my “friend.”

But love isn’t rational. Love doesn’t make any sense at all. Love is why, in spite of all the reasons why not, I still want him. I still love him.

[speakingagain]

Thursday, October 10th, 2024. 4:30 PM.

It's been a little more than a month since I posted. I want to say that that's because I'm doing well, that I'm stable and consistent. That my life isn't a flaming dumpster fire.

I'd be kidding myself. Lying to myself to try and make myself feel better.

I don't think it would work, even if I tried.

Reality is, the world is in mass chaos. There's more 'once in a life time' events happening this week, than we did in 2020. Volcanos errupting, major earthquakes, multiple devastating hurricanes, fires, flooding, snow in India, flooding in the Sahara. Not to even mention the current politics in the US.

My personal reality is changing medications to help treat my depression but somehow feeling like I'm raw dogging life and being in a constant state of feeling concerned that I may not be able to keep myself safe. My best friend is changing jobs, so we won't be working together anymore. I'm afraid she and I will drift apart and I'll be alone again. But I can't tell her that because I don't want her to feel pressured to stay because I know she's miserable.

We are currently over staffed at work, however, people are quitting in mass. My boss gave a statement today, saying "we can't afford to pay you better, but you can go make more working in fast-food. But here, your making a difference." As of that's a justification to underpaying your entire work force when no one can afford to exist.

One of my cars windows is stuck partially down, and it's getting cold. I can't afford to fix it. I also have $1800 to pay in medical bills. And my dog needs surgery. And I still can't afford to get a divorce. And I'm pretty sure my car insurance is about to get cancelled. And I also can't afford to get my meds or continue therapy.

And Mom wants to move out of Colorado but we need to save money for that.

My childhood best friend has cancer and is not responding to treatment.

I'm starting to hate my job. I want to go to school in the spring. I genuinely don't know how the fuck that will actually happen at this point.

.

.

.

I'm at a loss of what to do.

My brain is so overwhelmed all the time.

I am getting tired of fighting and pushing through. I'm tired of fighting my brains immediate gut reaction to any inconvenience being, "you can just *yeet* yourself".

How many times can I think that and have to stop myself from agreeing that it would solve a lot of problems?

I know. Mom would be devastated. Sable wouldn't know why I didn't come home. My siblings would be very upset. My friends would be crushed.

I have my reasons. I have my life lines, and coping skills, and safety nets.

But I'm so tired. Isn't it supposed to get better at some point?

I know, I'm just.... I've spent a lot of time isolating. I'm stuck in my head. I'm not reaching out for help. I know. I'm sinking lower. I'm watching it happen.

But...I don't think I have any energy left to fight it.

What if I just let it happen? What if I embrace it?

[valentijnsstuff]

AAAAAAAAAA week Report

Monday I have an intake at the waayyyy too fancy new therapist office. The building alone makes me afraid that I will never financially recover. I run into neighbor that I ghosted on the way back (oops) and cook dinner for my homies.

Tuesday I am SUPPOSED to have my intake for a caseworker. But the administration lost my appointment somehow. Big frustration. I have another intake in the afternoon, at a humanitarian organisation that organizes group sessions for trans people. I tell them its the third intake of the week. They tell me that I really dont have to do this many intakes in this short of a time. I am somewhat taken aback, my anxiety to do everything as quickly as possible has fooled me again.

Wednesday I am ??? Stressed. My in home care homies are getting a bit tired bc its week three. The tension of 'should I stay or should I go' is very present. Me and a homie go bring stuff to second hand store. I get last minute email asking if I can do an intake at the gender clinic tommorow. With a lot of huff and puff, I get myself to sleep at home for the first time in weeks.

Thursday morning I hang out with my dad and my sister, sis is going to asia for a month. I am tired as shit. I hang around in the city and end up at the gay fraternity building where I'm a member, I do my video intake for the gender clinic there. I try to nap on the couch before going home, but a cute transfemme who plays guitar is writing lyrics and I HAVE to help her. Chill for an hour at home. Go to a hangout of queer people I dont know so well, but they love my tshirts and I get had scratches, so all is well.

Friday is somewhat insane. Early morning, I go to the next city over with my bestie, to get psych eval from a the crisis phychiatrist that I dont like. He says a whole bunch of things that make me very defensive and I leave feeling frustrated, because I sat trough the session with gritted teeth. Me and the bestie talk about it for a while, on our way back to the home city, where we have lunch and also visit the comics festival. I am greeted by familiar faces, and am happy to see them, despite being a mess. I remember that I have my on-call therapy session and proceed to have a crying session with my therapist, while at the festival. This should have been my que to go home. But nooooo. I go to the casual trans meetup to top it all off, where my friendliness is mistaken for open invitation for trauma dumping and unwanted advice from an older trans lady. Regret going. Go home tired. See that the plans for saturday are last minute canceled. Anxiouy ask one of the queers I just met if they want to come to your house tommorow. Get a message from a twink on Grindr and respond wayyy to eagerly. Now I can't sleep.

Saturday, I feel okay in the morning, but as soon as the friendly new queer person shows up and we finish brunch, it becomes clear how beat I am. I pass out on the couch, feeling somewhat guilty for inviting this person over, with no energy to actually play host. They are very cool and sweet about it. I am exhausted. I ask if I can sleep at the homies house for a night.

Sunday. I have learned my lesson. Hopefully. No more doing whatever the hell all that was. My body is kranky as hell. I want to go see my lesbian bestie, but I can barely get of the couch. She ends up coming over to my house, where we just huddle up, updating eachother frantically, but also exhausted.

I don't recommend doing whatever hell I am doing while handling trauma/depression/burn out

[onedayatatime-please]

Thursday, Aug. 15th, 2024. 1:03 pm

I've spent the whole day with extreme anxiety. I did my breakfast sandwich, shower, and everything like I said I would, but in between has been spent doing breathing exercises to try and calm myself down as my heart has been racing. I have been sitting in front of my computer emotionally prepping for my therapy appointment only to get a call five minutes before its supposed to start telling me that its been cancelled because the therapist had some sort of emergency and is now no longer taking new clients. This is fine, shit happens. Im now just emotionally exhausted and a bit upset that I had to change the person I wanted to be my therapist, and the new person im going to do intake with seems good but not quite as good. Who knows, maybe im wrong and Im gonna end up loving them but Im so fucking tired.

Also I had a dream last night where I was back on Randy's farm and got to say hi to Bandito. He must be a very old horse now if he is still alive (I know his mother passed a few years ago), and in my dream his hairs were greying a bit, but he still had the white pattern around his eyes. There was a girl there working on the farm and we were flirting, and in the dream I was kinda hoping to get with her. Most of the dream was spent on the farm, but at some point it shifted to a desert scape and suddenly I was in a war zone and hiding out in some low mud buildings from a group of soldiers. As some point a soldier found me and the last thing I remember from my dream was crying and begging for my life as he pointed his gun in my face. Very weird to have those two things happen one after the other.

I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all, which has been pretty much how I've been waking up every day recently.

I'm gonna clean the house and get ready for my cousins to be here in 3 hours. I am also going to try and photograph some more drawings for my portfolio so I can work on uploading them when I am visiting with my grandparents.

I am not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

9:42 pm edit:

Dinner went well and now I am very tired. I had a call with 🪶. He’s going to another city on the same days I’ll be near him. I think it’s time I move on from him. I loved him so much, and it’s not his fault that his life is falling apart. I want to be there for him and I want to keep loving him because I love loving him but I know it’s not sustainable. A part of me feels like I should just go along for the ride, I’m twenty, it doesn’t need to be sustainable yet. But I don’t want a ride, not really. He does tho, he wants to do crazy shit and that would be fine if we could work together to sustain our relationship on top of that but that doesn’t seem likely. This has been coming for so long I don’t really feel sad about it yet, I just feel lonely. I haven’t felt like I’m actually in a relationship for a while. And he was the one who made me want a sustainable relationship in the first place. I was so set on being lonely, but then I met him and it made me realize that I really do want another person, I want to be married, I want kids. But he doesn’t want any of that yet and he probably doesn’t want it with me either way. I’m glad that we were able to love each other for the few years we did. I wish things could be simple, but they are not. I don’t want to break it off with him because I’m afraid of experiencing true loneliness again after knowing what it’s like to actually not be lonely. Either decision leads to me being fucking miserable for a certain amount of time and I keep doing this thing where I try to negotiate and find a middle ground where I can be kind of okay for a little bit but that’s not how all this shit is gonna work in the end. I love him and I know that he loves me but we are at a time in our lives where we cannot fulfill each others needs in a stable relationship and so instead we are probably going to part ways and never hear from each other again and the thought of that makes me fucking sick.

I feel like a coward for wanting to leave him when he is struggling even though he is actively pushing me away.

I Wanna be an Astronaut floating through space

And be tied to a ship by a cord and just be simple and quiet.

But instead I’m a dog.

I’m gonna go to the ocean soon, so I can float in the water.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

[returntosaturn271995]

Thursday, September 28th: Workin' girl blues

I am oh so tired and would like to make a list. I'm burnt out. The fire is there, but there are some headwinds for sure. It's hard not to feel like I could have done more, but I know that I've somehow done enough.

My heart's telling me it's okay to cool it after today. Maybe cry a little. More.

10 things that happened today:

Ran 2.6 miles and yoga is back! More zen stretching to come on a less exhausting day. Originally wanted to go 5 K, but it just wasn't happening today. See my follow-up post on my personal Ten Commandments of Running.

Worked at Palmy's and crushed some deadlines like a lil beast.

Sent my co-workers a photo of Dolly Parton as their "Daily Dolly"

Cried my way through therapy. My thought I need to challenge is "Why do I think self-compassion is self-delusion?", and "Who would you be if you didn't believe there was something wrong with you?"

Wore a truly fabulous midi sweater dress with backless components and heeled brown booties.

Made an elaborate Greek spread: Lamb meatball platter over tzatziki with mint, pitas, lemon-chicken broth rice, and cucumber salad with onion, tomatoes, and feta. Served with blue Gatorade because I am still white trash.

Book club was canceled until next week, currently don't even know what to read, maybe something fun.

Wore Sphinx by Riddle because it smells amazing

Ending Sober September strong, but also with a little CBD.

Learned my birth certificate isn't getting here until December so my ass needs to think fast if I still want to go to Amsterdam and England.

[lost-in-wond3rland]

I had two 12oz redbulls and a 16oz monster today and I'm alive out of pure spite

TW for: food relationship, depression, self medication

So maybe I'm not just alive out of pure spite but it sounded more fun that way lol I'm mainly alive from riding the Eras Tour high (thank you Seattle and Taylor Alison Swift) (no, I don't live in Seattle but I did fly there).

So I haven't slept since Thursday.

Not entirely true, I mostly slept last night and the night before so really I hadn't sleep Thursday-Sunday but Sunday night was chill.

I did overly pump myself with caffeine today and it did exactly z e r o help at work which sucked.

I have therapy on Friday and I'm 95% sure I'm going to cancel. I don't think I like my therapist.

It's been a couple of sessions and:

Talking about myself is uncomfortable as fuck (yes, I realized the irony of this as I am semi journaling on a public platform but bffr, no one is reading this and if they ARE I have know way of knowing)

I'm not against natural remedies persay but e v e r y t h i n g she suggests is natural remedies? Tea for insomnia, roots to eat to help focus for the possible ADHD (on top of the fact that I've asked more than once to see a psych to at least get a diagnosis to know for sure if I have it, especially since I apparently check most of the boxes? But then she asked why I would want them? Um... cuz I wanna know? And I'm going into grad school and don't have time to be fighting my brain all the time?), exercise to raise serotonin to help depression (which yes I understand the science there but TW ALERT I have some... food and body issues we shall say that turn into spirals v quickly of I will go to the gym for two hours and only eat a singular granola bar for the whole day. So like. Yeahhhh when she said I might be depressed because "maybe you need to exercise more" that was fun lol Especially when I know I obviously don't look like I have said issues in the stereotypical sense)

So like. You could see why after a few sessions I'm not too keen on going back. I've been on a bit of an up swing anyway so like *shrug*

The reason I started going to therapy again was because things were... not ideal. Not that I was actively gonna do something. But also like. If I fell into an eternal slumber, I wouldn't necessarily have been mad about it typa deal. Kinda hoping for the whole eternal sleep thing but not doing anything to cause it, ya feel? But now things are fine and I can't help but feel like I was being dramatic because like. I'm fine. Everything is fine. And I really have nothing to complain about. So like. Dramatic, ya know?

It feels silly to me a lot of the time. People have real issues and real trauma, and I haveeee. A trip to London and Paris coming in the fall... so like. What the fuck do I need to be in therapy for? It just. Feels kinda fake. Like I'm being dramatic.

I feel like sometimes I build shit up in my head too much and then I stop and I'm like. Why. There are so many other things happening, so many other people with real life issues, and then here I am. I don't like it.

I was smoking a LOT of weed for a LONG time to just kinda coast ya know? To either feel something if I felt nothing or to feel something else other than what I was feeling. Which is great, and worked, but with my job if I get caught I will no longer have said job. Also the fact that like, weed sleep is a THING and where as not being hungover is great, I'll loose half the day knocked tf out (which considering the sleep situation might not be the worst thing so maybe I should go to the local dispensary lmao but then it makes me eat a bunch and then I feel awful the next day and cycles and cycles and cycles). So unfortunately/fortunately that is a no go cuz work and I gotta be awake enough to do hw man.

So yeah. I'm kind of in the "fuck therapy, I'm fine" mind set lately. Yeah, I get some intense lows but they haven't been consistent like they were plus I don't even know what fucking causes them. Somedays I just wake up and it's like, "oh cool, I'm floating in an abyss today". Some days I know if I spend too much time alone, my thoughts will suffocate me. Some days I wake up normal, and halfway through they day a switch flips out of nowhere and I'm just exhausted and don't want to exist. Sometimes I'm so numb or out of it I know I just shouldn't be driving because I feel nothing or feel out of my body.

But lately there's been none of that, and I've been good. So.

Yikes, this shit is not linear at all lol It's going in any and all directions. And there really is no point to it either. Just. Wanted to talk to myself about some things in my brain. But either way.

Therapy on Friday. Be there or be square! 98% sure I'm gonna be square because I just simplyyyyy do not want to go, nor do I see the point of it at the moment.

I also probably really need sleep. Or at least more sleep since I did in fact sleep pretty decently last night.

Oh! I'm also kind of in love with Taylor Zakhar Perez. He's so pretty it's irritating lmao He's also gonna play Alex in the RW&RB movie and I can't wait. I'm watching it with Lex on Saturday (Aug 12) since she has D&D on Aug 11 (cries in I wanted to watch it that night but I GUESS I'll fucking wait lol). But yeah. Hashtag daddy

-Seven

07.26.2023

[whynotcherries]

all of the furniture in my house is tarped up with that weird construction saran-wrap type stuff because we just got the floors redone, but all of the plastic is loose so when i walk it wooshes behind me and i keep thinking there is a person there. 

i am the only person who is awake.

[vagabondreamer]

Can I request headcanons for a talentless mc? Like the story portrays mc able to do pretty much anything but what happens if they got an mc that wasn't like that at all? Like they can't sing or dance and their grades are just mediocre so they get insecure about it when they brothers point it out?

I love this idea! No one is good at everything! 

Also, Belphie’s part isn’t a talent, but I think it still works!

Talentless MC

Lucifer

You had just finished midterms last week when Lucifer called you into his office.

Is leaning on his desk like a disappointed teacher.

“MC, I have your grades.”

You didn’t fail, but you didn’t pass with flying colors either.

“Why didn’t you study, MC?”

You did. You studied with Satan every Tuesday and Thursday. Nothing ever stuck with you, though!

You tried to explain this, slumping your shoulders - you feel dumb.

Makes room in his busy schedule to start tutoring you. He’ll explore different ways of learning to see what works with you; he reassures you not everyone learns the same way.

Mammon

Mammon has lots of talents - he’s a great model and fantastic dancer.

He takes you to one of his shoots, which happens to be a hip-hop theme.

There’s music playing and he drags you to dance with him. 

You try your darndest to keep up with his movements, but you’ve got two left feet.

He definitely laughs at your expense. And at this rate, everyone in the studio is laughing. 

You run out of the room, trying to escape your embarrassment; there’s a good chance you’re crying.

He runs out after you.

“MC, I was just -” “I know I’m a bad dancer.”

Pulls you close to him, so that you’re slow dancing with him. You keep looking at your feet so you don’t step on him, but he holds your chin up so you’re looking at him.

Practices with you every once in a while in the secrecy of his room.

Levi

He’s a god at video games.

You don’t play every time he offers, but only when he’s whining that you wouldn’t want to play with a ‘yucky otaku’. 

You keep losing, and it’s really frustrating. 

“Wow, MC, you really suck.”

You put down the controller. “Well that’s why I never want to play! I suck at it!”

He holds up the controller. “You have to practice to get good.”

Every night he holds video game practice.

If you try to give up, he’ll hold you in-between his legs - his chin resting on your head. 

Satan

He hears about your midterm grades.

He’s not happy with your work. Thinks you aren’t using your potential.

Scolds you at your next study session.

You’re already overwhelmed by Lucifer, now you have to deal with Satan?!

You have a mental breakdown - you’re crying, you can’t sleep, having test anxiety - it’s not pretty.

All boys are on high alert.

Satan cancels study sessions, and instead starts ‘tea time’ where you both drink tea and he’ll read you a book. 

If you’re brave enough, it becomes a mini-therapy session.

Asmo

Has the voice of an angel, and he knows it.

He’s constantly inviting you out to do karaoke with his groupies.

You always say no.

Somehow, someway, he got you to join him.

It’s your turn to sing, and you sound like a dying cat.

He has a horrified look on his face and all of his fans are laughing.

You run all the way home.

He finds you under your covers.

Reassures you that everyone has their own talents.

“I don’t have any!”

He vows to find yours. Every weekend you both end up trying new activities to find what you’re good at.

Beel

He’s really good at Fangol.

You and Belphie always go to his games to support him.

He practices a lot, usually with the team, but sometimes by himself - just throwing the ball as far as he can.

Begs you to play with him because Belphie never wants to.

You can’t say no to him.

The only problem is, you’re uncoordinated and Beel throws really hard - even though he’s going easy on you.

Ball ends up hitting you in the face.

He runs over to you, apologizing.

Doesn’t care that you aren’t good at sports. 

Belphie

He doesn’t care if you have no talent.

Just needs a cuddle buddy - no one can be bad at cuddles, right?

It’s the middle of the night and you can’t stop fidgeting. 

It’s irritating Belphie since it keeps waking him up.

“Stop moving!” “Sorry - I just have terrible insomnia!”

Should’ve told him sooner.

He uses his powers and puts your ass to sleep. 

[colossalcriminal]

My Therapist Knows About You - s.r

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Summary: Spencer is in need of a mental remedy and Y/N always ends up at couples therapy alone. Neither of them think twice about it when they both show up to the same appointment due to a schedule mix up. Group therapy can’t be that bad, right?

Content Warnings: Therapy, unhappy relationship, swearing, this is unedited. Angry season 7 Spence.

A really short thing of an idea I had that was executed really badly because I realized it wouldn’t work.

The FBI wasn’t the worst at taking care of its employees, and Supervisory Special Agent Y/N L/N from the Critical Incident Response Group never thought she’d have to go through the embarrassment of having a therapist recommended to her. She’d been to therapy multiple times, but that wasn’t quite the mortifying part. It was the fact that her fiancé’s childish behavior when visiting her at work prompted Agent Coleman to introduce them to couples therapy.

Andrew didn’t bother showing up to the appointment which seemed obvious when Y/N was anxiously tapping her heel on the tile flooring, Spencer staring at her, praying for her to stop due to the echo of her movement accelerating his own anxiety.

“Dr. Evanston’s 11:00am?”

Both of them stood, barely furrowing their brows at the coincidence but simultaneously shrugging at it.

Maybe there are multiple Evanstons? Maybe the other is here on the wrong day? 

When both of them entered the same room, Dr. Evanston greeted them with a kind, unwavering smile. “Small group we have. Please, take a seat.” Both parties were slightly confused, neither of them signing on for group therapy, but they took seats opposite each other nonetheless. “Why don’t we start by introducing ourselves?”

Y/N cleared her throat. “Hi. I’m, uh, Y/N. I was supposed to be attending couples therapy with my fiancé, but he didn’t bother coming.” She let out a dry chuckle, toying with the sleeve of her blouse. “And that's it.”

“Why did he not come? How do you feel about him not attending?” Evanston queried.

“Uh, he just doesn’t gel with it, I guess. I’m a little disappointed. I thought he’d want to work on us but it’s obviously a bit one-sided. I also thought he’d be here to support me after I was in a hostage situation but whatever.” She nodded to Spencer, silently begging for him to speak.

“I’m Spencer, Spencer Reid, just Spencer.” The good doctor stumbled on his words. “My friend and colleague faked her death and came back and I’m having a hard time coping with it.”

The therapist sighed, already wondering how a session with two field agents would go. “And how did that make you feel?”

5 weeks later.

They’d attended their weekly appointments diligently, each agent more excited to see the other. It was a bummer for Spencer one week when Y/N was off in Alaska on a case.

The pair had become good friends, the BAU member always arriving at the ‘clinic’ first, waiting outside with two coffees in hand until CIRG agent joined him. Both of them walking in together, sharing what disastrous events they’d gotten into at work, and sometimes during the weekend.

As much as they both hated to admit it, they shared a similar disdain for the diamond ring resting on Y/N’s finger. Spencer had grown fond of his new companion, well, a little more than fond. His small crush had formed when he began changing his entire morning routine every Wednesday in order to be early with coffees and pastries on his person just for her. It evolved when she seemed to be running through his head at all hours of the day. He eventually started caring for what he wore, always thinking the same “What would Y/N think of this?”

Y/N herself knew her relationship with her fiancé was over. They were lucky to speak more than 3 words a day to each other, and she was relieved to be detached from him. She knew it meant she’d have more time with Spencer, but blamed her failed relationship on her premature age, claiming “Getting engaged at 23 was never going to last.”

She took her sunglasses off, tucking them into her purse as she approached the granite steps, eyes landing on a familiar pair of old, ragged converse that brought a grin to her face. “Here’s your coffee and pastry.” Spencer presented proudly with a boyish smile.

“Thank you, Spence.” She accepts the gifts, proceeding to walk inside with him.

They sit side by side, already getting into an active flow of conversation until an employee politely interrupts. “Sorry to inform you, but there’s been a schedule mix up. Neither of you have appointments on Wednesday. Ms. L/N’s appointment is every Monday at 3:00 for couples and Dr. Reid’s is every Thursday at 12:00. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Without a word and small frowns tugging at their lips, they nodded, dumbfounded before leaving. Standing outside, the cold November air hits them, and they both felt their hearts sink knowing they wouldn’t have a legitimate reason to see each other. “I’m going to cancel my appointment.” She piped up. Spencer tilted his head, urging her to continue. “I ended things.”

Y/N raised her left hand, ring finger bare. He'd ceased to notice after his hate for the ring grew so much he refused to look anywhere near her hand. “I might cancel mine, too. I guess, I just don’t feel like it.”

“I’m going to need a new reason to see you, Dr. Reid.”

“Really?”

“Dinner’s on me. It’s a date.”

A/N: I hate this fic x

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Appointment - Thursday 20th May 2021

I had a check-in with my consultant today which, in all honesty, I was dreading. Really dreading. It really didn't help that I cancelled the one we were meant to have 2 weeks ago because, well...I have no good excuse...and then I couldn't make it to the rearranged one that was meant to be on Tuesday as our internet had been knocked out by the storm. So yes, I was already on edge, expecting the worst and terrified of being judged and knocked down as I hadn't managed to implement the changes that were discussed weeks and weeks ago....

I don't quite know what has happened but she way NICE?!

Our history is not the most positive to say the least. She has previously told me that I would never recover, assigned me to the SEED pathway and tried to send me to a long-term care home facility (I am not that there is anything wrong with these places, I think they do incredible work and have a place for some people, however it was not what I wanted or needed at the time), as well as eradicating all/any hope that my parents held and telling them that it was all their fault that I was unwell...so no, not the best.

But today I actually felt like she was listening to me and, dare I say it, that she might have cared a little bit too. In all honesty, things have not been going very well as I have been struggling to get out of this relapse. I know the ins/outs of what I need to do and why, I can plan it and talk about it but when I try to actively challenge the behaviours and face the anxiety, I end up hitting brick wall after brick wall. It is like a literal road block - I go completely blank, which then means that I end up going around in the same loops/cycles that I have been stuck in for years....which is exhausting. Really exhausting. As well as frustrating and just damn annoying. Because I do not want to keep doing this - I do not want this existence anymore. Yet the excuses pile up and, to be honest with you, they all have Anorexia written all over them, so I won't even give them space on here - and I suppose that is why it has been so hard recently, because Anorexia has had a really tight grip over me. Today though, instead of over-intellectualising and talking/worming myself out of it like I usually would, I was honest. Honest about how hard it has been and how strong the AN is and how annoyed I am about it. And because I was honest with her instead of being scared of letting people down/failing/messing up etc etc, this meant that we could actually explore it a little bit more, as well as discussing how therapy was going and trying to work out what was/wan't working for me and where we go from here.

In short we have decided to arrange a proper review with my therapist so that we can all be on the same page and talk about what I might need right now. Another SEDU admission was mentioned but, as she so rightly said, they can be very disruptive and she was also concerned that I would leave and relapse again, so we are trying to find the right level and type of support that I need to stay in the community. Which I am relieved about. Therapy is on the line at the moment as the physical side of things have deteriorated to the point where I'm only just about able to engage with the work we are doing - and I really don't want to lose my therapist as we have been working really hard on that side of things - I understand why it is and that the behavioural/physical side of things have not been on the same page for a while, so I need to use this as a kick up the bum.

I cannot afford to lose this. Not like has always happened in the past (starting therapy, doing a bit of work but then losing it because of my physical health. I need this time to be different).

She must have been in a good mood today though as she even started reminiscing about how much I have matured/grown as an adult over the past few years and said how hopeful she was for me with the upcoming apprenticeship (who is this woman?!). Then, whilst dictating the letter to my therapist, she even backtracked and said "no, I am not going to be negative" and reframed her message - I never thought this woman was capable of smiling (a real smile, not one of those fake ones) but today she actually took her time to talk to me, instead of jumping to her own conclusions, listened to me and tried to offer some reassurance.

Today I don't feel very strong but the meeting actually left me feeling a little bit...dare I say it...hopeful?

But at the same time I know that there is no magic answer/pill/treatment coming. I know it has to come from me, that no one else can save me. I am never going to feel "ready" or "want" to change. Anorexia will never willingly let me walk away. It will always move the goal posts to work in its favour, never mine. So I need to dig deep. I need to find it inside of me to TRY and push forwards no matter how shit or horrible it feels. I need to give myself this chance but surely anything would be better than spending the rest of my life in this limbo, surely?