#i want to call in sick so bad tomorrow
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I'm so out of it jfc
#anne speaks#it IS warm but i don't think it is THAT warm?#but im sweating my skin off#and the hormones are conking me the fuck out#so together it's a one hit KO#i want to call in sick so bad tomorrow#but a) im not sick and b) work is so understaffed rn and c) the weekend is nearly here like. surely i can live
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#God knows what fresh Horrors await me tomorrow.#at this point I fully expect a plane to crash into my house#I've had two really bad days in a row#I already didn't want to be here#I don't know what to do#I don't trust any of the people who are supposed to be taken care of me or figuring things out#because so far not a single person has proven able to tell me the same thing fucking twice#they all look at each other's work and say it's no good#and I'm fucking done#I'm just done#I'm not even very sick#this could potentially get bad but I'm okay right now#what I am is a miserable person trapped in an endless cycle of repetitive appointments and phone calls that go absolutely fucking nowhere
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again
#rending.txt#i dont know how to stop binging i was doing so well yesterday and then for no reason it fell apart#i just want to stop#i have so much to do today but i just dont want to do anything im so depressed#im just going to lay in bed and eat all day and think up ways to die#i already know my chosen method i just cant be bothered right now so maybe later#i just want to keep sleeping#i called in sick to work today because i was so so tired and i slept i think nearly 12 hours which isnt bad#i wanna go on a walk and work out and stuff but i just. cant right now. i need to work on my job presentation but i just cant#i just want to keep eating and go back to sleep and then wake up and end it#but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows#i dont even have the energy to walk up to tesco to get blades or more food so im laying im bed eating dry granola like a pathetic pig#i dont wanna talk to anyone but my boyfriend but hes asleep and i dont want to vent to him anymore because it makes me feel guilty#and it doesnt help to vent to him anymore so i just make him sad for no reason and i dont know how to vent to anyone else#i havent changed my bedsheets in weeks and theres so much trash on my floor you can barely walk in my room and i havent showered in a week#i just dont have the heart to cry anymore i just want it to stop#i did everything i was supposed to so i could prevent binges and it didnt work at all so i think im beyond saving lol
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i really fucked my back up somehow like … something has gotta give i’m tired of looking like quasimodo when i walk 😭
#airika txt.#i’m honestly starting to think it’s a nerve issue or a disc#but i don’t want to waste my sunday in the ER do i’m trying to hold out for one more day so i can go to the clinic early#tomorrow morning and just call in sick#like it’s berb manageable since it started hurting when i was dog sitting#but i took a nap on the couch yesterday afternoon and i think that made it worse#like i can’t even pick my cat up it’s so bad#my mom has muscle relaxers left over from her back problem saga so i’m just taking those to alleviate the pain#but this is like … beyond a simple strain i’m sure of it 😭
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not sure if I'll update my dalgi agere-tober fic today 🥲 might be getting some very bad news in a few hours, or news that will change nothing. and I'm too stressed about it to do anything but stare into space rn lol so it depends on how the news goes
#big me talking#my dad is getting biopsy results back#and the doctor called him today to ask him to come in in 3 hrs#bc theyre closed tomorrow#so like i feel like its a bad sign and im stressing myself sick#i dont even LIKE the man#but im still worrying#ugh#pray pls if ur religious#i dont like him but i dont want him to go through this#or my family
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Sounds like you've got a right bitch of a co-worker based on those post tags lol
ajfksdljf TT0TT Oh that was like my 3rd version of a post I made. I had to talk myself down and censor myself akljsdflkfa orz
But yes he really is. I cannot stress it enough that everyone hates his guts and he's created such a hostile work environment.
#silly asks#the junpei coworker#silly answers#god i hate him so much#he's not the first jackass i've had to work with but god he is the most recent#i should've called HR last night#i literally told him “do NOT fucking finish that sentence or train of thought”#and then he kept ALLUDING to what he wanted to say and i had to keep telling him to stfu#then he hid in the bathroom for 30 min (which pissed me off mORE because it meant he got a free 30 break and was paid for it)#all while i was left alone to wrangle a circus by myself#he was watching anime fyi...cause I could hear it when I had to go to the back room to get stuff#like we had a store meeting and my boss listed a bunch of stuff that needed to be minded#and like HALF of it was directed at junpei (he didn't look at him but WE ALL KNEW)#my boss even confirmed it when everyone else left#he only confirmed it because as soon as they left I turned to him an was like 'when is that mfer getting fired?????!"#my boss wants to fire him but HIS boss says he can't until they find a replacement#the bar is in hell rn#it's so bad that me and my other coworker made a bingo of shit he likes to pull on shift (HE'S THAT CONSISTENT)#*looks at sched* oh thank god I dont need to see him today or tomorrow-#WAIT NO I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM THE ENTIRE CLOSE FRIDAY NOOOOO FUCK save tme this is gonan suck#i'm kinda hoping he gets “sick” again I'd rather work alone TT0TT#*inhales* it'll be fine it'lle be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine#zen zen centered i am zen...I'll listen to an audio book or video i'll be ok#i'll just ignore him like i've been doing TT0TT#silly vents#vents#irl bs
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the mental illness will NEVER leave me bc why do i feel so bad for calling in sick
#i absolutely need to do something about my immune system this is ridiculous#i’ve had a horrific cough since monday and my boss fixed my schedule so im off work tomorrow and friday as well and just!!!!! fuck!!!!#i feel so bad#like ofc i cant fucking help it but oh my god#i dont want to give her more work#i have a famously bad immune system and i honestly think it was my last boss being rude when i called out sick thats fucked me up#nebulae.speaks
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming
#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it#we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny#and we thought we'd have to put her down#I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies#but shes in such bad shape#and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old#and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere#and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon#I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts#I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her#and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone#and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her.#I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama.#and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people.#I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't#idk what to do. it's all just piling up#I feel worse rn than I have in years#and more bad things just keep happening#I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application#but now my motivation is just gone#I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow#but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that#I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town#at least they're all nice people#this all sucks so fucking bad#personal#negative
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ough i want to call out sick today bc it's another 'waking up with brain soup' day + some congestion but i already called out 10 days ago and have been taking an average 2 sick days a month... where we only get 15 a year...
#i have pto too but dont want to use that for sick time yknow#just feel bad bc like. i am trying to work but feels like my brain and body shuts off some days#idk at least i start therapy again next week so if it is a mental problem they can help me w that maybe#kcat talks#plus i mean. the strike. would be a good timing but oof i searched posts from me in the ops channel and like 70% of them are me calling out#+ i have to mentor someone today and we already have a meeting scheduled later; could reschedule for tomorrow though
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#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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won’t lie, experiencing some horrors
#just cried uncontrollably for like 20 mins#cried like 3 times yesterday too#i have no energy for like anything rn.. went to buy new glasses today tried on 15 pairs hated them all and then went back to my car#and cried because i really need new glasses since i fucked up my current pair and they don’t sit right now and dig into my face#tw death . my grandma passed away while i was flying home from canada#and it sucks because everyone got to be with her and say goodbye but i didn’t#and there’s a viewing tomorrow and my dad thinks i should go since it will be my last chance to see her but i don’t want to#i get that it’s a healing way to say goodbye for some people but i don’t want to see my oma lifeless#i know i’ll never get to see her again and that fucking sucks but she’s gone and i don’t want to see her like that#plus i have work and i already called in sick 2 days i don’t want to leave them short again even if it’s understandable#anyway the funeral is on tuesday at least i have the day off already and don’t have to worry about work#everything sucks soooooo fucking bad rn i won’t lie i’m not doing too great#and i miss el so much like i would kill to be able to hug my gf right now#their mom sent me a video today of them laying on the couch with their parents cat cuz they visited for father’s day#and i’ve cried twice while watching it…#argh. anyway. going to go watch a silly little video of some sort and maybe sleep early cause i haven’t been sleeping well#it’ll be ok 🧡#p
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I'm actually super upset about the fact my body is actively working against my carefully planned free time activities 😭
#I WANNA GO TO THAT GIG SO BAD WANTED TO SINCE I HEARD ABOUT IT LAST MONTH#got half a mind to just push through the pain and dizziness and go#but then there's the issue of The Blood....#and also... i'd get home around 1.30am tomorrow. and i got work tomorrow#and not getting enough sleep would make the pain and dizziness even worse#idek if i can work like this actually. but i don't wanna call in sick!!!!!#because i cannot call in sick over something so minor!!!! but also i cannot adequately care for myself at work#gotta be up and about for 8 hours no toilet breaks#but i cannot do that when i need a pitstop every 3 hours ughhhhhhh#i hate this body and all it stands for fr fr
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bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick
#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬#i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something#and i can't call out because our time is so restricted#and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around#esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to#added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway#and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened#ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day#and then im off again#and then im on one more day before im back off again#so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least#after being off the last three days#(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks -#the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after#how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard#tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out -#third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day.#but with less coughing until now bc im laying down)#i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭#sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired
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my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode
#emeto tw#emeto cw#in tags ->#i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse#like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but#i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing#i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck)#and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just.#easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH#and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story#and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc#ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there#she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back#and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it)#i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow#bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again#and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT#SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS#like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it'#but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay.#surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD#alyalyoxenfree
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