#i want bobby worst to kill me fuck me eat me and not in that order

[linthehero]

please tell me im not the only one who unironically got a little 🥴 during that heart transplant scene or im gonna feel like a gross disgusting monster (i am but still)

[pendragonsclotpole]

hi i just started watching that 911 show in the background while working thinking it would be a basic cop show/procedural drama i could play for white noise to boost my productivity like i did with all six seasons of SWAT (shout out to shemar moore’s overly passionate pecs and BECAUSE SWAT IS FAMILY speeches and that one ryan and shane cameo for getting me through my job onboarding months ago) and avoid the attention issues i get with british legal and cop dramas (shout out to the current loml rupert penry jones on silk and whitechapel, his roles as clive reader and di chandler are iconic)

and like yes. 911 is exactly that. so cringey. so feel warm-y and trite in the worst ways possible, filled with random monologues, oddly paced and placed one-liners, random quote intros that desperately try to replicate the word bangers of criminal minds, unnecessary flashbacks interspersed in the worst episode arcs ever and completely destroying the suspense, and with the weirdest combination of over-acting and under-acting in the entire fucking world that i have ever seen, and some entire scenes i just cannot stand to watch but do anyway because of how unrealistic and ridiculous they are but oh my god when this show hits its high points, it hits them

i need angela bassett’s athena grant to come and railroad my life. i want her to point her finger in my face and threaten to cuff me to my bed like she did that boyfriend in that season one episode (and yes THAT HAPPENED THANK GOD THE BUCK CENTRIC SEXY SCENES DID NOT LAST AS LONG AS SOME OTHER SHOWS COUGH SWAT COUGH BUT WHY NO MORE ATHENA?) you my friends have not lived until you’ve seen her on the other end of a huge tv screen raising her eyebrow and acting like she’s about to beat you up with nothing more than her commanding tone.

and also like all the other fucking characters.

i watched this show hoping to have inane drama and dialogue watching over me while i send emails and plan. i did not watch this show to bite my nails over maddie buckley’s psycho ex husband storyline, nor to swoon over the romance between to her and chimney (howard han i would die for you, your bg episode was so sad but so beautiful and if you had died i wouldve been so sad, yours were the flashbacks that won me over), nor to fangirl over ROBERT FUCKING NASH AND HIS GUILT COMPLEX (I LOVE YOU BOBBY), or to have my heart grow three sizes with the fucking tsunami episode

like you guys, i was on the edge of my seat, eating my dinner and actually wondering if they were about to kill off christopher diaz and break my heart and buck’s heart and ruin everything and like they didnt but now evan buckley’s character growth is such an inspiration and i just dont want him to fuck it up by trying to go back to work early and ahhhhhhhhhhh this was supposed to be a casual watch but now im writing this so im gonna have to find something else or worse go back to watching silk or whitechapel in the bg and be enraptured by rupert

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟

123 for 🧟:

---

Buck feels relieved. She didn’t travel all this way not to have a support system in him. 

“Hershey didn’t get the worst of the outbreaks,” Maddie says. “Roads closed from Harriburg, and… Well, it was stemmed.”

Buck remembers that, from the early days. Before the internet went out. He’d tried to reach out. Even to his parents. 

“But everyone went into lockdown mode,” Maddie says. “At first I thought that would exclude me, being in healthcare. I thought I was needed more than ever.”

“Weren’t you?” Buck asks. 

“Oh, I think probably.” Maddie admits. “But Doug came home one day with new guns and told me neither of us was leaving the house again. Not without his say so.”

“What the fuck?” 

“I think he was happy, honestly. Society had gone to hell, and he didn’t have to be careful anymore.” Her eyes tear up a little. “He could do whatever he wanted.”

Buck’s blood goes cold. He knew Doug didn’t treat her right. Didn’t treat her well at all. But what she’s implying? If he had known… Oh god. He would have never left her. 

“Maddie…”

“Don’t say sorry,” she says firmly. “I worked hard to make sure you didn’t know, okay? It’s why… It’s why we lost contact.”

Buck’s head hangs a little. “I would have helped you.”

“I know. That’s why. He would have killed you.”

Buck sighs. “So what happened?”

“He got sick,” Maddie says. “Went out on a supply run one afternoon, came back sick. Infected.”

“Shit.” Buck hisses.

“So I shot him.” Maddie says, very quietly. 

“My god, Maddie.” Buck exhales. “I’m so sorry. That must have been awful.”

“It was,” she agrees. “But I wasn’t going to die there. Become infected or wait for him to fully turn and… Eat me.”

“I’m so glad you didn’t,” Buck replies. “I’m so glad you survived.”

“Me too,” she says, inhaling a little. Like she’s convincing herself. 

“Can I ask what happened to Mom and Dad?” Buck asks. 

They’re obviously not close. Never were. He hasn’t worried for them, the same way he’s worried for Maddie. But it’s not like he wishes them harm. Though, harm has come for most people anyway. 

Maddie shakes her head a little.

“I don’t know entirely,” she admits. “By the time I left and was able to check on them, the house was abandoned. No trace of them. No remains.”

Buck bites the inside of his cheek. So it will always be a question, then. 

“Sorry,” Maddie says. 

Buck shakes his head. “No, that’s… I mean, everyone has people like that, right?”

She nods. “I’m glad you’re not one of them, now.”

Buck throat feels tight. “Same with you.”

▪️▪️▪️

Buck starts his shift on cams after Maddie is asleep. He’s on from eight until two in the morning, when Bobby will switch with him. 

It sounds painfully boring, but Buck doesn’t hate cam shifts. He did at first. The stillness was grating. Drove him crazy. He learned to entertain himself, over the past months. He can’t read, really. He could miss something. But he can listen to music or audiobook CDs. Not just CDs, either. Karen’s iPhone is still in good shape, and it had dozens of audiobooks, podcasts, and music downloaded onto it. She leaves it in the cams room with a charger for whoever is on shift. So there is a lot for Buck to do to occupy his mind. Even if some of the podcast episodes and audiobooks start to get repetitive on the second or third listen. 

Tonight, he’s listening to a nonfiction selection of Karen’s. Something academic and a bit smarter than Buck. But the only way he learns is by challenging himself, so he’s trying to focus. It’s nearing ten o’clock. Most everyone has gone to bed. It’s been a long, tiring day. Full of activity. 

All this to say, Buck is surprised when he sees someone pop up on the security camera. Not just someone. Eddie. He’s walking, purpose in his step, down the hallway connecting to the front foyer, right out the big glass entryway doors. Oh. Well, that’s stupid. The doors lock from the outside. Bobby locks them before he goes to bed. Buck will have to leave his post to let him back in, which is annoying. 

He’s about to do as much, making the short walk to bang on the glass and let Eddie know, when what he sees on the screen stops him short. Eddie walks to the side of the building, leans against a brick wall, and starts to cry. 

Oh.

Well, this is very awkward. 

And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with crying. Buck has cried twice today. One over the radio, once over his sister returning. No shame in it. It’s just that, Buck has all the off-cam good crying spots down. Including his private room. This poor guy doesn’t realize Buck can see him. 

He shouldn’t watch. Surely no zombies or other forms of villain will come in the next… Well, how long does it take to cry? Buck doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything about this guy. Other than that he saved Maddie. Really, the polite thing to do would be to turn away and give him a minute. He’s going to. Definitely. 

Except, he finds he can’t look away. 

Something in his heart cracks, watching this guy. He’d seemed friendly and collected earlier. Steady. Not like someone hours away from weeping. Maybe that’s just a front. Maybe he wants to seem tough in front of his kid. Buck thinks he could understand that, despite not being a parent. 

The crying lasts less than ten minutes. Buck watches Eddie straighten himself up, rub his eyes, and turn back towards the entrance. Which is still locked. Shoot. Buck bounces to his feet, leaves the cam room, and jogs down the hallway towards the entrance. By the time he reaches the door, Eddie is trying the handle to no avail, a panicked expression on his face. 

Buck reaches forward and opens the door. 

“Sorry, man,” he says. “It locks from the inside. Safety.”

“No, right,” Eddie nods. “That makes sense. Thanks for letting me in.”

“Don’t mention it,” Buck shrugs. Really. He literally saved Maddie’s life. Buck opened the damn door. Not the same level of effort.

“How did you know I was here?” Eddie asks.

Buck’s cheeks go a little red. “Uh…”

[eggybug]

guess what time it is! its end of season 4 thoughts time!!!!

they are going to be a lot more insane and outta order than in the past

1. the entire season they were yelling at us that lilith was the final seal and it pissed me off jfc

2. i forgot what it was like to lowkey hate sam, i hate it.

3. so cas was in love the whole time, right? RIGHT. like i know ive been ranting about it all season but are you KIDDING me

4. ruby is a bitch and i hate her so bad. but she was in it for the long game thats for damn sure

5. im REALLY not looking forward to the whole "sam gets haunted by lucifer" bit

6. i love cas, i really do, but he looked right in deans eyes, knew that he was doing this shit to him, and did it anyway. like he was probably tortured by the legions of heaven, but goddamn it

7. when i start making cain and abel comparisons all next season, i don't wanna hear shit about it. itll be my bout of insanity and i apologize in advance

8. i fuckin LOVE bobby

9. no body liked john winchester, they loved him, but they hated the son of a bitch

10. i never got to the point where chuck became TRULY the worst guy ever, but i know we as a fandom hate him, so i hate him.

11. i think demons eat babies and i don't know how i feel about that

12. i don't know who i hate more, uriel or zachariah. maybe im glad cas killed all the angels

13. like i get it but HOW did it take dean so long to realize heaven wanted the war too. they disappeared for weeks while lilith was breaking seals like a bull in a damn china shop

14. they keep doing that thing where one of the capital A angels does something shameful to dean, or dean questions his faith in the "Plan" and the camera cuts to cas looking like a sad puppy

15. ik ive said it 1000 times but goddamn those stupid lil boys need therapy

16. GABRIEL WAS TRYING TO WARN THEM, HE WAS TRYING AND HE COULDNT. THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU GABEY!

17. hey, in the last episode they killed a bunch of nuns, which like damn

18. back to sam, his dumbass really fell for the devil on his shoulder bit jfc

19. like i understand camera work, but two straight men don't stand that close to have a conversation. they just don't.

20. hey sammy, you throw a lady in a trunk, you stop being the good guy

21. at any point did they just consider... not doing that. maybe perhaps, waiting a week?

22. there was a thing with the mirrors and zachariah in the last ep, wasn't there? like that wasn't unintentional. mirrors are notoriously terrible to work with, that can't be unintentional.

23. i love that biblical fanfiction always somehow ends with an angel, a demon, and a human coming together to stop heaven and hell playing out a war on earth.

24. spn just proved you can't leave a bunch of corporate assholes in charge of a planet.

26. im really not looking forward to sam whining about starting the apocalypse for a whole season.

27. dean fighting tooth and nail for cas to see the truth in humanity. to find faith outside of heaven. cas seeing that and it breaking his morale a little bit more and more every time. cas repeatedly seeing dean, perfect vessel, perfect soldier, dean be willing to lose the promise of heaven, of peace for his little bit of humanity. it broke cas. and dean keeps begging cas to see it too. and they're going to drive. me. INSANE.

28. "we're done" those were the exact words dean said to cas.

29. so cas and dean can talk without saying anything, and i hate to say that means they're in love... but thats exactly what that means.

30. cas did it! he broke his faith, he sacrificed himself for dean. and now they're gonna kiss (ik they don't kiss but a boy can dream)

31. have i mentioned that sam pisses me the FUCK off! like yeah i blame ruby but goddamn.

32. this season was hell in a handbasket, jfc (no ounce intended)

omg! season for is done!! woooo! onto the most annoying and lowkey painful season ever! my takes and thoughts for season 5 are going to be annoying, so be prepared !

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts S07x19 Of Grave Importance

“What are we eating? Taco Nacho? Taco Macho?” “Is it Tacos Macho? There’s an S in there” “Open 24/7. Hot something” “Who’s Annie?” “Do we know her? I’m confused. I don’t mean to be frustrating. I’m sorry” “Why do you want to make out in an abandoned house?” “Definitely not cops” “You’re all fucked now” “I don’t remember this one” “like I think I do but I don’t” “well shit” “He’s digging for dick OR he’s digging dick” “I mean, there’s an excuse for ya” “I can’t remember for shit what he’s trying to say” “I just wonder if it’s been long enough that we’ve seen these seasons that I don’t know’ 🎶blue hat bobby🎶

“Those sheets are awful” “but you’re a ghost. You don’t have to sleep” “I have a sneaking suspicion that Bobby is going to save the day” “holy shit” “friendly dress” “beeping ringing vibrating buzzing away” “yeah figured as much. That’s no good” “So we just meet her the once and she’s dead. Damn” “takes a lot of juice apparently” “fancy” “well shit” “that was a cool effect” “does this dude fast track on ghost abilities?” “He’s really that incapable of calming his mind for 2 seconds?” laughter

“I wonder how long that took in makeup” “the fuck” “oh I figured it was something else” “Bobby didn’t like hanging with them every single day beforehand. He’s probably going crazy” “That’s not ominous at all” “Hello” “it was bobby” “dude I’d be losing my shit right then. I mean you hunt ghosts and shit but you could be thinking it’s a demon or whatever hunting you” “is that like some cardboard statue.” “Definitely not a cardboard statue” “well that’s kinda hilarious” “could have gotten away” “oh shit” “He can absorb ghosts or something” laughter

“Why does she wanna be…oh sure whatever. I feel like he’d notice” “OH yeah it’s the secret passageway” “need me a good secret passageway” “Mom’s old farmhouse had one between two of the bedrooms” “What happens if he doesn’t end up back in the car?” laughter

“Well I mean isn’t that just going them away anyway.” “I guess I missed how they got trapped there” “well now you’re going to wish you left the flask in Dean’s pocket. Fkn Idjit” “Why weren’t there more episodes with Annie? She’s a decent character” “he’s groping” “I mean he’s not there now because he’s with the boys, but when he gets back, you’re fucked” “that’s rather unfortunate” “that’s what she said” “They invited a character and killed her in the same episode. I’m sure I complained about it before but goddamn” They do that all the time

“I guess it makes it easier to watch as independent episodes later easier, but it makes it more frustrating in the future” “what the fuck” “oh yeah, he can choose when to appear or what” laughter

“You’ve got like 10 seconds” “why did bobby have to do the thing? Couldn’t he just walk through the wall as a ghost?” “That’s confusing” laughter

“So did half of Bobby’s essence get evaporated? I’m so confused” “a while? That’s the worst response ever. Tell me minutes, hours, days, weeks” laughter “apparently” “What’s that phrase mean? It sounds weird, because he’s attached to the thing and he’s telling them to suck it off” Patrick Swayze in ghost

“Wait. Oh yeah they burned the dude already” “This whole time I was waiting for that guy to come out and fuck one of them” “Maybe he just can’t cope with the fact that this is Bobby’s version of heaven” “if bobby can carry his own flask around, he can just go fuck off in the woods somewhere” “Helluva a lotta light for the side of a vehicle on a 2 lane road” “fucking ufos landing in the field in Nebraska as you’re driving through. What the fuck”

[demon-animatronic]

Supposed to be a ask game but I’m bored at work.

Under cut cause it’s long

50 Random Character Asks: Crowley

1. Canon I outright reject

Crowley having the idiot ball trope for seasons 11+12. And right after he threatened to be evil again when Sam tried to kill him for Rowena too. That was honesty kinda hot

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

He DESERVES(/D) to be loved!

Also he absolutely does aftercare after sex

3. Obscure headcanon

Dunno off the top of my head.

4. Favorite line

“No one in the history of torture will be tortured with the torture you’ll be tortured with.” or however the line goes exactly.

5. Best personality trait

His loyalty to his deals

6. Worst personality trait

Whatever the fuck happened to him in seasons 11+12 but 12 especially.

7. Age/height/weight headcanon

It’s midnight and I don’t feel like doing math right now but I headcanon his meatsuit is basically the same age as Mark S. Crowley himself is what I don’t feel like doing math for.

Same as Mark S for height which is apparently 5’8 from what I found online. Even though it really doesn’t look like it next to Jared and Jensen lmao.

Ditto to weight. Whatever Mark S is

8. Unpopular opinion about them

Dunno off the top of my head.

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character

Off the top of my head it’s the one where he screams about being under a spotlight and then makes it explode by pointing at it. And that he took a picture of him kissing Bobby(that Mark still has to this day) is what made me start loving him.

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)

Whenever he’s being a badass

11. Faceclaim for the role

N/A

12. Crack headcanon

N/A

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done

Not throw Luci’s ass back into the cage and just taking his anger out on his underlings that laughed at him as Lucifer’s dog. I get he wanted revenge but that was stupid.

14. Most heroic moment

His sacrifice :(

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done

Let’s be honest, where to even start there. Including kidnapping Kevin and his mom.

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves

He genuinely loves the Winchesters but knows deep down they don’t love him back

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

N/A

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about

His mommy issues

19. Vices/bad habits

N/A

20. Scars

N/A

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

I don’t know why but I see him as a lemonade man outside of alcohol

22. Best physical feature

Everything

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like?

Whiskey

24. Most annoying habit

Putting up with his ‘friends’ being dicks

25. 3 things they’d want to take with them if they were dropped off in the middle of nowhere

If he can’t teleport:

Phone, alcohol, and I like to think he has a small hobby that he can easily carry with him

26. What they would do if stuck in an elevator with [insert character of your choice from the same fandom]

He and Dean would probably have a decent chat like adults and not fight

27. Their guilty pleasure

The Winchesters

28. How they feel about [insert character of your choice from the same fandom]

He wants Dean to be his bestie and does love Sam too despite trying to kill him

29. Eating habits

Apparently he likes peanuts from whichever episode that was with the Darkness.

30. Sleeping habits

He doesn’t sleep.

31. If the had a tumblr what would it look like?

Dunno

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh

Literally anyone showing some kindness and affection and thanking him.

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry

Same as above. Kindness, affection, and a fucking thank you

34. How they react when they are feeling X emotion (sad, angry, excited, scared, etc.—can specify as many as you like)

I feel like some would be anger and others would be anxious and fear even though he would hide it.

35. Their idea of a perfect day

Being alone with his bestie drinking his little drink with the tiny pitchfork

36. Their favorite season

Fall for spooky season

37. What they really think about themselves

His last episode made it seem like he was really depressed and suicidal so I can only imagine.

38. Favorite holiday

Spooky holiday Halloween. He also likes Valentines Day because he would spoil his lover rotten that day

39. Favorite game

N/A

40. Favorite book

Can’t remember what it’s called of the top of my head but he’s been show reading or mentioning a book or two.

Also the supernatural books

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be?

Better be with me 😏

42. 3 comfort items

His hellhounds, alcohol probably, and idk his suit?

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise

N/A

44. Their happiest memory

Being appreciated by anyone

45. Their favorite celebrity

N/A or Mark S because liking himself is funny

46. The person they most admire

Dean let’s be honest

47. Their dream job

Being a retired demon since he was sick of being king

48. Scariest moment of their life

In his original life, he was probably petrified when Rowena abandoned him at like 8 years old and kept trying to sell him before it.

49. Favorite toy as a child

N/A

50. A memory they’ve blocked out

Probably the day he got abandoned by his mother. And everything Luci did

[superwholockednico]

Season 7 is currently Samgirl-ifying me. (And why Sam believing he's inherently a 'freak' is so tragic.)

Idk what it is about this show that makes me keep switching which brother I like more/find more tolerable/think is morally superior. (Actually, I think the answer is that it switches between which character/character's storyline is the focus. At the start of the show, it felt like it was often Sam's pov plus he wasn't fully in the hunter life and hence acted nicer/kinder which made me agree with him more morally despite simultaneously simping for dean. Then again with the demon's blood arch, I was like sam is being mistreated why is dean acting like he's so inherently evil. Now with the lucifer in sam/fall out of that situation I'm once again like, Sam is in the right and I feel really bad that he keeps getting treated like he's inherently messed up to the point he's internalized it. Plus he gets shit for really normal healthy things like going for fricking run)

Long post so summary: I find Sam's recurring theme of being seen as inherently different or a freak (compared to Dean feeling like he won't fit in or can't live a normal life because of his lifestyle or choices) to be compelling. First, we see it in the demon blood arch where his own father tells his brother that he might have to kill him because he's born wrong and has an evil within him. Now it comes back with his Lucifer-induced mental breakdown/psychosis and how Dean constantly treats him like he's doomed because of it and isn't willing to believe he can change ('the other shoe always drops').

Because of this, he has a really interesting episode [The Girl Next Door] with the Kitsune girl from his childhood (Amy Pond. nice name choice) where it focuses on his feelings of being a "freak" and outsider and how that leads him to be compassionate towards her. Which uh... ends up not working since dean goddamn goes and kills her in front of her son afterward in a move that was totally fucked up and should have ended up with him at the very least admitting he was wrong for it.

I'm on s7e9 now, but from that moment on, Sam's stayed the more emotionally mature one (let's be real, he usually is tbh), from trying to initiate much-needed conversations between him and Dean (multiple times!) to making a pretty good lawyer for Dean and trying to convince him to not feel guilty.

(he also takes care of his health –eats healthier, goes on runs goes camping– which I find very likeable tbh)

I started feeling for him because of the Lucifer situation, which was probably the most horrifying/scary thing I've seen on the show yet from a psychological standpoint. The idea that you don't know if literally anything around you is real or if it's your torturer (or abuser if we/I project it on a real-world situation) tricking you into thinking it's real just to tear it apart is... really scary.

(also ignore sam sorta looking like hes smiling in the pic the screenshot ended up like that but could be bothered to retake cus most of it was blurry)

Side note: I also really felt for Dean in the scene where he came back to Bobby's house to find it burnt down. Like the feeling of hopelessness resonated with a past me. (Dean's feelings of being unfixable or unredeemable definitely contribute to me wanting to see him become a better person and become happy. but hey I know the show's ending so 🙃)

Back to the Kitsune episode. (wrote a lot up there so pics)

What's so sad about the scene with Dean and him there is:

He really isn't a freak. Anyone would be messed up if they were stuck in a cage in the worst part of hell with two extremely powerful angels, one of which is Lucifer. None of that is his fault, and if anything, he's handling it really well. He's still trying to save people despite everything, what else could you expect of someone.

After Sam compares himself to Amy, after he tells him he's managing so so is may... Dean goes and kills Amy. After Sam tells him, I'm just like her... Dean kills her. THAT'S LIKE DEAN TELLING HIM HE CAN'T CHANGE. THAT'S LIKE DEAN IS SAYING I DON'T BELIEVE A FREAK CAN EVER BE ANYTHING ELSE. Right after telling Sam he didn't believe he could have actually gotten better earlier that episode.

Sam always believes he's inherently messed up because his family's conditioned him to believe that because they've kept treating him like a ticking bomb instead of a human who is going through stuff and who needs support.

[variousqueerthings]

somethingsomething youknow... johnny was a bully

Obviously we talk a lot about the things we wish would be shown/honoured around Daniel's character as someone who was bullied, beaten, almost killed several times and then later on viciously manipulated + growing up poor and how all of this Affects Him As An Adult and should be recognised for his sake, otherwise his story kind of... doesn't make sense

I do always want to wait until a story is complete to specifically Say A Thing, however I also think it does Johnny a disservice to not say he was a bully

the whole point of The Karate Kid from his perspective is that he gives the trophy to Daniel + is ultimately horrified by the orders Kreese gives both Bobby and himself

He recognises that he was in the wrong - that Daniel had to win/that he maybe even wanted him to win (barely inferred, he didn't like what Bobby had to do and he didn't like what he had to do - Daniel fought honourably and they didn't)

Because of what the text of the show gives us, I read Johnny as someone who, not forgot forgot, so much as "buried because he needed a simple narrative," the fact that this happened, because he couldn't process why Kreese would hurt him like he did after doing everything that was asked of him for years

and if he was also kind of the bad guy then he's left (in his mind) with a story that goes: "I was a bad kid and then I got what I deserved," which is a much more hopeless story than, "I was better than this other kid who kept getting in my face and then when I showed any kind of hesitancy, I lost everything and now this kid is rich and has the life that I deserved"

both of these, of course, leave out the trophy-giving-scene, because it's never been acknowledged in canon (yet)

and Johnny's reached a point (he was so close in s2 but then Kreese had him again) where he can say "you fucked me up," to Kreese, and he's vaguely implied that he was a dick all those years ago ("[this creed] will also make you an asshole") -- but he hasn't really looked at his own part in that

it's still "John Kreese did x" and "Cobra Kai did y" -- I don't know if there ever will be a definitive narrative moment that says: Johnny Lawrence was a bully (not even Johnny himself necessarily getting there completely, but generally, narratively), but it's important to who he is -- it's what he did, as the antagonist of the movie

Johnny targeted a lonely, poor kid with no friends his own age who couldn't physically defend himself (even though Daniel did his best)

and that power dynamic absolutely plays into why Daniel thinks the worst of him when he reopens Cobra Kai, even though he generously says in the very first episode "it wasn't you, it was Cobra Kai"

Daniel gave him an out! He didn't even ask for an apology (hell, he offered to fix his car for free)! He basically said "I forgave you years ago." And Johnny's fucked up internal narrative couldn't handle the idea that he needed to be forgiven for anything, because then his easy narrative would fall to pieces

but if the show walks that back by not properly showing that (trying to "balance out" the bullying to make it look like an even fight, the "I heard you were the real bully" joke, never having a character take Daniel's stories about being bullied seriously, etc), then it's very much having your cake and eating it too

Johnny Lawrence was a bully: that's part of what makes him a complex character

[dreamescapeswriting]

Unfinished Business ~ Part Two

WORD COUNT: 2.8K (This is the shortest chapter I believe in this series)

WARNINGS: Mentions of mafia, strong language, 

PAIRING: Bang Chan X Reader

DESCRIPTION: Part Two of nine of my new Bang Chan series. 

You’re taken hostage but one of Seoul’s leading mafia families Bang Chan but he doesn’t take you because he wants to fake a marriage or make you fall for him in 365 days no…He wants to use you for his own personal gain. To take over another family but when you try to escape things take a turn for the worst and you learn Chan isn’t one to be messed with.(Please I suck at describing stuff)

THEMES: Smut will be included in a later chapter (It will state which chapter) so this is a fic for a mature audience, Chan x Fem!Reader, Self insert

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Light poured in through the bars of the basement window and you groaned groggily as you woke up, you opened your eyes squinting at the sudden sunlight you had no idea where you were but it wasn't home. You stared around the room trying to get used to the low light, you were about to move your leg when you felt something tug on your ankle. It was a tingle sensation running through your ankle as you tried to move it,  whatever it was attached to your ankle hurt to move and you felt a jolt of pain tear through your anklebone,

"Shit." You hissed eyes glancing down to your legs to see that around your ankle was a rusted silver chain, not just a chain but a huge silver and rusted chain attached to a brick wall with screws.

"What the fuck?" Using your hands you struggled against the chain trying to tug it away from the wall or from your ankle when you heard a deep chuckle come from the other side of the room and it made you jump.

"Hello!?" Your voice came out more panicked than you had intended but you stood your ground - or rather sat your ground. You couldn't move from the spot you were in and you still couldn't see anything inside of the room.

"You won't get out." The lights flicked on and you looked around, eyes adjusting to the sudden brightness to see another one of the men from the bar. The bar. You were starting to remember what happened after you left work, images flashing back into your brain as you remembered Jisung showing up there and being shoved into the back of a car. Panic rushed through your body as you realised who they all worked for.

"What do you want with me? I don't have any money." You kept trying to struggle out of the chain but it was slammed down on the ground and you hissed as it sent pain through your ankle which was now throbbing in pain the moment it was flung down.

"We don't want money. I'm just here until Jisung comes to watch you. Your personal guard." The man leant back in his chair and smirked at you, he was staring at you trying to size you up as you tried to get away from him as fast as you could but it wasn't working. You couldn't go anywhere.

"Please tell me what you want.." You felt pathetic for begging to him like this but you wanted to know why you were there and how long they were going to keep you if it meant trying to play the weak victim than so be it.

"I don't want anything with you, but you may want to think about lying again. Lying gets you nowhere with Chan." He got up from the chair and walked over to you, bending down so he could come face to face with you looking you in the eyes.

"Chan doesn't like liars," He patted the top of your head as if you were nothing but a dog and smirked at you, popping some chewing gum in his mouth before getting up and moving away from you once again and going towards the staircase that lead up to a steel door where he slammed it shut and locked it tightly from the outside.

"Fuck." You whimpered as you were left down in the basement once again, you pulled at the chain trying to get out of it as much as possible. Wiggling the chains to try and loosen the screws on the wall but they looked fresh and you knew it was useless to even try harder than you were, it would only hurt more. You stared around the floor for anything to use on the lock but there was nothing, then you remembered your hair. You reached up and took a pin from it jamming it into the lock around your ankle and began to use it to pick the lock. It was no big deal, you used to pick locks on the other side of town all the time, trying to find somewhere to sleep whenever you ran away from home before your parents passed away but this lock was different. A simple pin from your hair wasn't going to crack it, the door opened and you panicked trying to get the pinout but it snapped instantly. You shifted so your ankle would be hidden from whoever it was coming down the staircase, you looked up to see the youngest one that had been with Chan the night before. His hair was a dark blue colour and he looked innocent, his name was Jeongin or at least that was what Jisung had called him at the table.

"You alright?" You were taken back, were you alright? What kind of question was that? You were chained up in someone's basement, you had no idea where you were or if you were even safe.

"You tell me, I'm chained up in some creeps basement with guys coming to check on me." You snapped back and he chuckled at you, coming down onto the floor and sliding you a sandwich on a plate.

"A peace offering," You stared down at the sandwich, your stomach sounded like a bear the way it was growling at you but you weren't about to take food from someone who had kidnapped you late at night and was currently holding you in a basement for their boss without someone giving you a reason why.

"Not hungry," You lied,

"What are you doing?" He asked nodding over at your ankle, you shifted again so he couldn't see but winced as the chain pulled to hard and cause more pain to spread through your leg.

"Can you please tell me what I'm doing here?" He sat down on the sofa where Changbin had been sat and you stared at him,

"Can you at least tell me your name? What does it matter if I'm clearly not getting out of here." He sighed looking down at you, he didn't want to do this and neither did the other boys but it was something they had to do. What Chan said went since he was their boss, he didn't care about anyone.

"Look...You ruined Chan's suit, it cost more than you could make in four months so I think he's going to make you pay for it." You shook your head,

"My father has money, how much do you-"

"We know you're not from this side of town and we know you don't have any family except for your cafe manager and your grandfather in that home." You froze in place. How did he know that? He stared down at you and bit on his lip. No-one knew about your grandfather except for Mrs Lu and the nursing home that he lived in,

"If I were you, I'd start being honest the moment Chan comes to see you, he hates liars." He whispered looking over at the door and then at the sandwich that was still on your plate. You weren't going to eat it in case he was trying to poison you or put you to sleep with some kind of drug inside of it.

"Suit yourself." He got up and walked to you, taking the sandwich and biting into it himself as he walked back up the staircase and left you down there alone.

"She thinks she's smart," Jeongin laughed dropping the plate down onto the kitchen table that you thought had been poisoned on something. He looked at Felix and Jisung who were both sitting there and having their own lunch wondering what had happened in the basement.

"What did she do?" Jeongin chuckled and swallowed the sandwich he'd been eating, he had made it for you. He thought it would make it easier for you to have a friend while you were there but you weren't going to be nice to anyone any time soon.

"She tried a bobby pin in the lock, obviously it didn't work but she's smart." They all stopped laughing when they heard Chan coming into the room everything falling into silence as soon as he came into any room,

"What's funny?" Chan looked at them all and Jisung stood up looking down at his plate and going to wash it up,

"She tried to get out, used a bobby pin but it snapped inside the lock," Chan laughed and looked over to the basement door that you were being kept in.

"I like her, she's a fighter." They all knew the real reason Chan was keeping you here and it was for the plan he had in store for you as soon as he got you to confess who you really were that was. The plan was to get you to confess that you worked for Namjoon, once he got that out of you he'd move onto drawing Namjoon out with you so he could kill him.

"Did she eat anything?" He only questioned because he could see the sandwich on the plate, Jeongin shook his head and Chan went over to the cupboard grabbing bits of food from the cupboard that he thought you would like.

"I'll make her eat."

The door creaked open and you squinted over at the entrance to see Chan, he was dressed in suit pants and a white shirt which was unbuttoned at the top, his tie draped around his neck and he had a smirk on his face as he came over to you.

"I brought you some food, eat it." It wasn't a suggestion, it was an order and he threw the food down by your feet. You swallowed the lump in your throat, you weren't afraid of him he just made you a little nervous to be around him since he was good looking there was no denying that. The way he held himself, as though he was better than you and that he was in control of everything around him made you on edge.

"I said eat it, you look sick." He kicked his feet up as he sat down on the sofa that was in the basement and then he rolled his sleeves up on the white shirt he was wearing exposing his veiny arms, he cleared his throat and waited for you to eat. Taking the packet of crisps you opened it up and took one of the crisps out and put it in your mouth staring at him with a condescending smile,

"Happy?" He licked his teeth and cocked his head to the side he liked that you were being cocky with him,

"Not until you finish the full packet." You stared down at the packet and pushed it away from you deciding you weren't going to do as he told you.

"Not hungry." You lied and he leant forward putting elbows on his knees and staring you down.

"Eat it before I ram them down your throat." You didn't flinch, you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he could intimidate you into being scared and follow his orders he wasn't in charge of you.

"Why am I here?"

"Eat the crisps and I'll give you answers."

"Give me answers and I'll eat the crisps." He laughed sarcastically at how you were acting with him, he liked that you didn't care what he thought and what others told you about him. He knelt down in front of you still laughing until he grabbed onto your chin and forced you to look at him.

"I could fucking kill you right now, you know that?" You stared into his eyes as he stared down into yours. On the outside, he was this cold-blooded killer but on the inside, he was a scared boy and you could tell all of that by one look. He looked down at your leg and then up to your face

"Struggle all you want but you won't get out of that chain." He smirked going back to the sofa and kicking his legs back up on the table.

"What do you want with me?" You barked at him and he rolled his eyes reaching down onto the table and pulling up a red file with your name on the front of it.

"I want to know who you work for, I want to know why you're lying about your life and I want to know who the fuck you are." He threw the file down in front of you and you pulled it open, inside were photos of you in both sides of town living your double life taken by police by the looks of it. Going to both jobs and changing on the bus, changing out of your gross cafe clothes into the nice clothes you wore for the other side of town.

"I work for Mrs Lu in a cafe on the bad side of town, I also work for you and I lie because my life is a fucking shit hole. Let me out of this fucking chain." You barked at him but he grabbed your face again and aimed you to stare down at the folder but he wasn't holding onto you tightly, it was just enough to direct you where he wanted you to look.

"Then why do I think you're lying to me, huh? Who lives a double life? People who have something to hide, someone who works for the mafia, people like you." You frowned at him and shook your head,

"Mafia people?"

"Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you." You stared at him with a blank expression.

"I'm not playing dumb, I don't know anybody involved with the mafia but I'm assuming you do, considering I'm chained up in your basement." He smirked as you spoke back to him like this it had been so long since someone had tried to hold a real conversation with him.

"You don't work for Namjoon?" You shook your head and he hummed moving away from you and looking down at your ankle. It was starting to bruise and though he would never admit it aloud he felt bad that it was hurting you so much.

"I can loosen it if you promise not to run." You looked at him and then down at your ankle, it was in far too much pain for you to run but the moment he took it off you you were going to sprint as fast as you could.

"Please." You whispered and he moved closer to you pulling out the rest of the broken bobby pin and taking out a key from his pocket. He turned the key inside the lock and once it was off you didnt hesitate, you ran for the door but your legs were like jelly and the moment your left ankle hit the floor you screamed out and fell onto the floor.

"Silly girl. You've been chained up for 24 hours, your legs aren't going to work properly and your ankle looks pretty badly bruised as well." He sucked his teeth moving close to you and staring down at it trying to see if he'd broken it or not,

"Probably just some soft tissue damage. You'll be okay in a couple of days but until then." He bent down and picked you up and carried you over to the floor again where you had been sat. He turned you around and switched the chain over to the next foot so he wouldn't cause more damage to your foot.

"The next time you try to escape, I'll kill you." He got up from the floor and pointed at the file and then to the food.

"That's for you. I'll come down tomorrow and see if you're feeling more co-operative to work with us, I'd think long and hard though baby." He patted the top of your head just like Changbin had earlier and walked towards the staircase once again, your body seemed to yearn for him to come back. Beg for you not to let him leave you in this basement alone but the door slammed shut and the room was only lit up from the small window above your head. Flicking open the folder in front of you, you looked through all of the information they had on you. They had everything, including family history that you didn't even know, your mother and father had been scratched from the files since they were dead but your grandmother's records were there, her bills to Namjoon all displayed for you to see. You didn't even know she'd been taking money from him, no one had told you anything and it wasn't like your grandfather ever remembered anything like that.

A/n: This one was super short and boring but the next chapters are longer I promise

Tagline: @kneel-begyourpardon @snowy-meowl @moonprincessdiviniation @taestannie @km-98 @hugs4chan @calling-dips-on-j-hope @ncitythoughts​ @peachyhan​

[lotstradamus]

Top 5 supernatural episodes to rewatch

YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO SUPERNATURAL NOSTALGIA.MEME

5.04 The End: for starters, this was the first episode of Supernatural I watched as it aired. imagine. for seconds, THIS. EPISODE. HAS. EVERYTHING. hippie Cas with his thigh holster and his orgies, 2009 Dean yelling at 2014 Dean and vice versa, LUCIFER!SAM. “you’ve changed” bro I watched Lucifer wearing Sam wearing that white suit in the rose garden... honestly it’s just a real all-rounder: angel nonsense, time travel, Croatoan throwback, major character death, tie-in to the major arc. not to mention it spawned s e v e r a l subgenres of fic -- 2009 Dean/2014 Cas, 2009 Dean/2014 Dean, 2014 Cas/Dean Smith (see #4 for full details) -- and that’s what you really want from an episode. 

4.14 Sex and Violence: YYYOOOOO. I will always love this episode. a siren is morphing itself into dudes’ dream women, dosing them with Obey The Siren juice via saliva, fucking their brains out, and then getting them to kill their closest loved one... and Dean’s siren is a dude. I have seen people be-heeennd over backwards to somehow make that Not A Gay Thing, but listen: HIS SIREN IS A DUDE. HEWWO? HEWWO???

4.01 Lazarus Rising: [clutches chest] [eyes fill with tears] I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. kadsjlsdkjfjg

4.17 It’s A Terrible Life: this episode is amazing for so many reasons and it’s got LAYERS. LAYERS AND LAYERS. the whole ‘this is who you would be if you weren’t a hunter, Dean!’ thing encompasses a multitude, MAINLY that Dean blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions that his parents names are Bobby and Ellen, so it’s actually a This Is Who You Would Be If You Weren’t Raised By John Winchester, Dean thing. AND LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM! snappily dressed, eats healthy, doesn’t drink beer, drives a regular company car, watches Project Runway, implies that he hooks up with dudes at the health club... it doesn’t take a lot for me to be like Actually, this is a nod to how being brought up by a stereotypically masculine father caused Dean to overcompensate and repress major parts of himself! but actually this is a nod to how being brought up by a stereotypically masculine father caused Dean to overcompensate and repress major parts of himself.

6.20 The Man Who Would Be King: I’m a s1-s5 purist, but Ben Edlund always gets a pass. and this episode... phew. everyone’s talking about how Castiel being in love with Dean has JUST been made canon but honestly we been knew. a lot -- A LOT -- happens in this episode, Crowley cracks some excellent gay jokes, Dean’s voice breaks when he says “you gotta look at me, man” (sob), but the REAL kicker is that you find out that while Dean was like ‘we stopped the apocalypse, Sam is dead, Cas is gone, and I am living a normal man life’ Castiel was standing invisibly in Lisa’s garden, wistfully watching Dean rake leaves. HE WATCHED DEAN RAKE LEAVES. WHO DOES THAT? [TWO MEN IN LOVE BY THE IRREPRESSIBLES PLAYING SOFTLY IN THE DISTANCE] 

the worst thing about this is that I didn’t have to look up a single episode number or title :( lmao :( 

[mrvdocks]

Under the Skin

Summary: Reader is a celebrity Kurt looks up to and chauffers for a bit before everything goes downhill. 

(requested by anon) gif credit to the lovely yocalio (x)

Word Count: 2K+

Warnings: smut, roughness

He outruns the police when they turn their back on him for a second. He runs as fast as his shaky feet can take him, wrists cuffed together. There’s a ringing in his ear that muffles the sounds of rubber shoes against the pavement and the officers behind him. He laughs maniacally, they wouldn’t be able to put a damper on his plan. Not yet.

He wanted to look good for when he met up with Jessie later, but he knew better than to lead the police where they expected him. That’s why he had to go somewhere they wouldn’t expect him to go. Your place. 

He estimates he’s been running on adrenaline and on the streets of Alhambra for about five minutes, but when you’re close enough, he ducks behind a building and slows down. He shuts off the stream momentarily, it’s better to keep them in the dark.

He knocks on your door rapidly, scanning the area for any signs of nosy neighbors or people passing by. He hears you rushing to the door and once it swings open, he meets your faltering face. It switches to panic, eyes wide, and paranoid sweeping looks to the outside. 

“What have you done, Kurt?” You step back, hand gripping the knob. 

You’ve been following his spree up until now, only realizing the gravity and danger of what he’s done when he shows up bloody and beat up on your doorstep. You’re about to ask how he found your address but figure with everything he’s done, him committing some privacy violation is not the worst to worry about.

He strains against the cuffs, wincing when he can’t fit his wrist through. “We can catch up later, I just need your help.” He pushes past you, rushing into your kitchen to find anything that could either saw or fit into the hole to free himself.

Feeling rightfully worried, you lock the doors and shut the blinds. You are cautious when you get close to him, he’s operating on another mindset.

“Kurt.” You try to get his attention. He opens drawers and cabinets frantically, coming up empty. He raids your bathroom and rummages through drawers, trying out bobby pins and clips.

“Kurt.” You repeat firmly. His manic searching stops for a second. Even with his back to you, you can hear his breathing is ragged, his broad shoulders moving up and down to get steady. 

You put a hand on his shoulder warily, turning him to inspect the damage. He’s got cuts on his face and a bad lip. No doubt the results of him crashing the car. His face scrunches at the sudden light of your phone shining on his face. 

“What’s gotten into you, Kurt?” You cry in disbelief. 

This couldn’t have been the one who spent the whole week basically chauffeuring you, could it?

“You’re not like this - this isn’t you.” 

“And what is like me? Who do you think I am?” His figure towered over you now, establishing some sort of dominance over you. 

You can’t completely answer that now. You’ve seen a side of him that snapped. One that was done playing the fool to the once King Bobby. 

“Kurt, you can fix this. We can make this go away.” 

“I can’t.” He closes his eyes in slight annoyance. “Not when I’m just getting started.” 

“I can’t let you keep doing this.” Your voice wavers, betraying the brave front you were trying to put on. “We’ll get you help, it’s going to be fine.” 

You stray from his plan, dialing the emergency line as quickly as you can but he snatches the phone from your hands and throws it away from you. The sudden roughness makes you recoil. Kurt takes a hold of you by your shoulders, pushing you back until you hit the wall with a grunt. Gone was the boyish and awkward Kurt who was gentle with you. 

“Yeah? You wanna film and post that too?” 

The accusation is a slap to the face. In the small window of time you two knew each other you grew comfortable with him, not even thinking of using him for what he definitely would use you for. It would propel him, sure, but it wouldn’t give him the image he wanted to curate.

“Pretty ballsy move,” he mocks your pluck. “But I can’t let you do that.” 

The cold of the cuffs against your flush skin makes you shiver as you feel the adrenaline in you pick up. How blind were you really to his dark desires?

His gaze is intense, eyes darker than the dimly lit corner of your home he’d pushed you against. 

“Do it then,” You pant. Your eyes staring back into the abyss of his own in awe and then onto his bleeding lip. “Finish this.” 

He smirks. “I’m not going to kill you. You’re no good to me dead. I need you.” 

“Kurt,” You try to give reason a try again. “This isn’t what you want.”

“This isn’t what I want? Or is this not what you want?” He counters.

This should’ve been a bad idea. He shouldn’t have gone to you if he knew you were going to react like this. But you were his idea of safe, even if it was something he just didn’t want to be anymore. He wanted risks. He wanted to take the world by storm, to be seen as some kind of twisted hero for those like him. After all, he’d taken most of the brunt of it for it to fail now.

Kurt being a threat was definitely something you would have laughed at before. He couldn’t even kill the spider in the car that one time. Him being rough wasn’t without reason, you’d seen it before with other passengers that harassed you. Hell, you’d even liked it in the bedroom. But this was different.

“You don’t know what I want.” You grit.

His brows raised. “You don’t want out of this? The cycle of bullshit they keep making you do? Your ideas shot down and forced to do degrading shit?”

He wasn’t wrong. Though the fame came at a price, it wasn’t even you or your personality people were really seeing. Everything was controlled by someone else. You were the puppet. 

He must’ve known you were mulling it over, a sly smirk on his lips becoming prominent in the little light there was illuminating him.

“What do you want?” 

Kurt chuckles to himself, “I’m not asking you to do the dirty work. Just don’t call the cops when I do it.”

“Is this you admitting you need a partner?” 

He’s always liked power. The exposure and influence and the legacy that others before him had. You had that, even if you didn’t like it, and it only made him more attracted to you. You could be a power couple if you agreed. 

He chuckles. “I’m saying you have that urge in you too, somewhere. You just have to trust me to help you find it.”

You laugh ironically. “Trust you? You’d sell me out. Anything to boost your views.”

He shakes his head. “Like I said, I need you. Besides, I think you’d like to be free.”

“You mean be like you.” You writhe under him, trying to get free.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” he pauses, remembering he had you pinned against a wall. “Not any more than I already have. I’m here to get you on my side.”

If you agreed with him, then great, things would go on without a hitch. But if you didn’t, things would get difficult and he really liked you too much.

Your breath hitched when his fingers came down to your chin and tilted your head back. 

You should be running for the hills. Calling the police. Screaming for someone to help. But oddly enough, none of the red flags before remained. This cat and mouse game somehow made you feel sought after, even with the undertone of him using you just for his personal gain. 

There was a warmth between you two, tension in the dimly lit corner. He’s dangerously close, his hips pushing against yours in a way that makes the feeling in your lower body ache for him. 

“Did you mean it when you said you were willing to make a sex tape?” 

His face softens in amusement. “It all depends on how the night goes.” 

“So you would’ve fucked Daisy’s brains out?”

He eyes you, studying you, noticing the shift in tone in the room.

His shackled hands come down in between your bodies, one hand gripping your hip and the other settling on the danger zone; above your crotch. 

“Yeah maybe I would’ve,” he surmises, taunting you. “I could’ve had her screaming my name for everyone to hear.” 

He traces over your body, reaching every dimple, dip, and the sensitive area he could get his eager fingers on. He’s memorizing your body in the dark, keen on staying true to his word. 

“She would’ve disappointed you.” 

He pauses his movements, lips coming close to your ears. “Maybe. But I’m sure you could do better.” 

His voice is low, it makes you imagine just how he could use that teasing mouth between your legs, the vibrations that would send shock waves all throughout your body. You gasp when he slips his hands into your pants, fingers ribbing you up and down and making your knees buckle. 

The small moment of dizziness is good enough for him to use his foot to kick your ankle to the side, allowing him more access for him to slide his fingers in. The height difference between you two proved helpful as you let your head fall against his, bucking your hips against his relentless pumping. He revels in this, taking the opportunity to glance at you and flash that shit-eating grin. 

Your breathing quickens and sharpens with each pump of his fingers, him adding a second and then a third. The introduction of more in you forces you to shut your eyes and squeeze his bicep in both pain and pleasure.

The coil in your core keeps bubbling, knowing if he kept it up you would be done for. Then he does it, he curls his fingers and his thumb plays with your pearl making you cry out and clutch him closer. 

He hums, “You always looked good like this, so vulnerable and desperate.”

“Oh fuck you.” You moan in light pleasure, feeling the coil only tighten more.

“We can make that happen.” He goads you, his pace in you getting faster to the point where you can’t bear the thought of standing anymore. 

You press your legs together, desperately trying to get more than what he’s giving. If you had it your way you would’ve already ridden him to get rid of the friction. But he’s nothing if not cruel.

Your chest heaves in rapid breaths, head falling back against the wall in quiet euphoria. You’re almost there and he can tell. Just as you bring your leg up he stops and removes his fingers, prompting you to mewl at the loss of his fingers in you.

“C’mon, didn’t think I was going to let you off that easy now, did you?”

You pounce on him, taking him by surprise as he topples backward onto the couch. You make quick work of his stolen and bloody pants, lifting his hips up and out of his briefs. You almost literally tear through your pants and discard them somewhere behind him and shove your panties to the side to ride him. 

You tease him a bit at first, hovering over him and lining him up but not fully sitting all the way. It’s his turn to buck his hips. 

Confidence looked great on you, he thought.

You impale yourself on him, gripping his shirt in fistfuls as you wait to adjust to his size. His head dips back into the cushion at the feeling of filling you up and settles his hands on your hips. You move agonizingly slow, in languid strides before changing into circles. He makes a pass to squeeze your ass but you move his arms above his head, keeping a grip on them. 

Kurt closes his eyes in ecstasy, your moans and whines are music to his ears as you basically fucked yourself against him. 

He brings his upper body up to take a hold of your hair from behind and takes your lips into his, tongue pushing into your mouth. Yours fights his, eventually letting him lick at your neck and kiss at the sensitive area all the way to your jaw. He thrusts upward roughly, forcing you to clutch onto him in a semi hug. He slides in and out of you with ease, the sound of skin against skin and smell of sex permeating the air. He grits his teeth and brings his forehead to connect with yours, slick with sweat. 

“Look at me,” He grunts, hand coming to grasp your chin to force you to face him. You can’t look at him in the eye, still lost in the sensation of him hitting the right spots. With his right hand coming in between your bodies, he flicks and teases at your pearl sending shock waves through your body. “You don’t cum until I tell you to.” 

He pulls out of you, making you huff in annoyance but compliant. He flips you over, pushes you down onto the arm of the couch for you to lie on. His clothed chest is flush against your back, bringing your lower body against his stiff cock. You inhale sharply as he slides back in, thrusting hard enough to make the fabric of the couch mark you. 

He grabs your hair and pulls you back, still delivering devastating thrusts from behind while attacking your neck with slobbering kisses and grasping your throat firmly. The pleasure of it all made you cry, feeling your lower belly pool with warmth as you gripped him. 

Finally, his thumb grazes you in the center of your core again and rubs in small circles, before using the index of his fingers to finish you off. He’s hitting you in all the right spots, rendering you completely babbling and incoherent. He kneads your breasts with his other hand, pinching your nipples to get a rise out of you. 

You feel like you’re seeing spots when his thrusts stop being hard and fast and instead wane. With an arch of your back, he groans as he feels himself twitch in you.

You come down from your high, vision hazy but feeling blissful and fulfilled. He pulls out of you and turns you over again, bringing your head to level with his pumping hand. You open your mouth hungrily, letting him spill himself. 

It runs down your chin but you nonetheless swallow with ease.

“Good girl.” He chimes, grinning from ear to ear. 

You collapse back onto the couch, panting and trying to come back to reality. He rests next to you, giving your thigh a squeeze, satisfied. 

“Partners?” He asks, arm under his head as if he hadn’t just fucked you into oblivion a minute ago.

If this is what came with being partners, you would’ve been an idiot to decline.

“Partners.” 

[shirtlesssammy]

7x10: Death's Door

Fun Fact: Boris has only watched this episode once. It’s time to weep and watch it again. 

Then:

Bobby Singer, the best father the Winchester brothers ever had. 

Now: 

We get a CSI look into Bobby’s brain while Sam and Dean rush, panicked, to the nearest hospital. In his own mind, Bobby’s realizing something bad has happened. He’s bleeding from his head. Sam and Dean ask what’s happened, and he tells them he was shot. They tell him they would have noticed that, but he counters, “I didn’t take one here. I took one out there, in the real world.” 

The brothers are confused, and Bobby tells them there’s something they need to know, but he “can’t get at it.” He’s got to get the real Sam and Dean numbers.

The scene shifts to Bobby with his wife, Karen. They’re in their bedroom, and candles are lit all around. She has something to tell him. Bobby starts to remember this memory. He hears a distant storm, but the sky is clear outside the window. Bobby sees a boy running in the field though. He goes to leave, and flashes to working a case with Rufus. 

He tells Rufus he needs his help, but Rufus ducks into a building. Bobby sees the boy again. The boy tells Bobby, “God’s going to punish you.” (Chuck, I swear to FUCKING Chuck, you make me SO mad.) Bobby turns to see a broken glass of milk. The boy is gone so he heads inside the church. 

Once inside, the choir at the front of the church disappears, the lights go out, and Bobby meets his reaper. 

Bobby runs. 

And ends up back at his house where Sam and Dean are fighting over the better martial artist. 

He opens the kitchen doors to find his mother, distressed at his dirty appearance before dinner. He slams the doors shut. 

He’s with Rufus again. He, again, asks for help, but Rufus is working the case.

In the real world, Sam and Dean rush down the hospital hallway following the hospital staff who have Bobby. 

Bobby decides to ditch Rufus, but is attacked by a ghost. She twists at his heart. 

The brothers listen in as the hospital staff scramble to save Bobby as he crashes. 

Rufus stops the ghost, and Bobby torches her bones. 

Bobby’s comatose, but stable. The brothers wait. 

Waiting for Rufus outside a clinic, Bobby sees the kid again. This time he remembers him. Rufus interrupts though, and Bobby asks about what he saw when he thought he was dying. Rufus explains he had flashes of his life --and he wanted out. He tells Bobby he found the right door to escape by digging deep into the things one usually doesn’t want to think about. The way out is through your worst memory. 

Bobby tells Rufus that he’s dying and he needs to get some information to Sam and Dean. Rufus agrees to help, and tells him to concentrate on the worst of the worst of all his memories. 

He then asks Bobby why the ghost called him a heart breaker --when Bobby’s the opposite. 

The world shakes, and they’re back in Bobby’s bedroom with Karen. The mood is considerably different. She tells him she hates him. She tells him he knew she wanted kids when they married. He broke her heart, and she tells him to go away. “Just so you know, I’m sorry. I never stopped being sorry,” he tells his wife. 

Bobby tells Rufus that 3 days after this fight about having children, Karen was possessed. The fight was Bobby’s biggest regret. They never got a chance to get past this moment. 

(Sidenote: I feel like I’m just regurgitating plot because I REFUSE to feel.) 

Bobby opens the door, and walks into the light. 

And into a park in 1989. He’s still in his own brain. He’s playing ball with Dean. 

For Family Science:

Bobby starts looking for another door. Rufus wants to know why Bobby didn’t want kids. “My dad was a mean drunk, I figured I’d be just like him.” (I hurt.) Rufus says he’s just a cranky drunk. 

Bobby opens the door. He and Rufus address Bobby’s impending death and Bobby gets a brainstorm: he’s going to stop the reaper. 

In the outside world, Dean and Sam interrogate a doctor about Bobby’s condition. He’s not doing great. A man walks in and asks Dean whether Bobby’s signed up as an organ donor. Dean surprisingly doesn’t clock him. 

Dean DOES punch out a glass case, however. He storms outside and approaches a fancy car. As suspected, Dick Roman sits inside. The word “dick” is bandied about thrice, while Dean challenges him to fisticuffs. Dick doesn’t RISE to Dean’s taunts, but he is very COCKY as he sends Dean back inside to watch over the failing Bobby. 

In Bobby’s head, he finds a book with a big ol’ crucifix hidden inside. He and Rufus start their anti-reaper spell. 

Back at the hospital, Sam’s busy looking wistful.

Dean fills him in on Dick’s turgid presence outside. Sam fills Dean in on Bobby’s condition. It ain’t great. Bobby’s breathing on his own, but he’s still got a bullet lodged in his brain. Sam counsels Dean to prepare himself for goodbye. Dean’s...not open to that line of thinking. 

Bobby stalks through his house, preparing the spell while one by one the windows grow dark. He watches a memory of himself chewing out John Winchester over the phone, defending his decision to play with Sam and Dean instead of train them to hunt. “I know I ain’t their dad,” Bobby bites out as his parting line before hanging up. BOBBY ;_;

Bobby and Rufus finish up their anti-reaper spellwork. 

The reaper is UNAMUSED. He orders Bobby to examine the truth around him. Things are going dark. Photos and books are going blurry. In the real world, his brain is dying. He warns Bobby that he’s treading the short path to ghost-town. 

Rufus reminds Bobby that ghosts are GRR BAD and that if he stays, he’ll go vengeful. The reaper speaks up. “You got handed a small, unremarkable life and you did something with it. Most men like you die of liver disease, watching Barney Miller reruns. You've done enough. Believe me.” Uh. Thanks?

Bobby’s not following some reaper to the afterlife, though. “Because they’re my boys.” Determined, Bobby heads back to his childhood memory of a horrible dinner. His dad starts hitting his mom and Bobby shouts at his father. He was just a kid and his father hurt him and made him so terrified that he’d be like his father that he never had kids. “Well, as fate would have it,” Bobby says, “I adopted two boys, and they grew up great. They grew up heroes. So you can go to hell!” Excuse me. I just. Love this.

In the hospital, Bobby’s starting to show signs of life. They prep him for surgery. 

Young Bobby appears in the memory. As his dad assaults his mother again, young Bobby shoots him in the head with a shotgun. His father falls to the floor, a bullet wound in his head (just like Bobby).

Bobby’s mother responds by telling him that God’s going to punish him, and young Bobby heads out to dig an unmarked grave for his father. 

The reaper appears again. Bobby tries to race away from him. Light surrounds him. 

In his hospital room, Dean and Sam are awkwardly wishing Bobby a successful surgery. Well, Sam is talking to Bobby. Dean hovers in the background looking broken. Suddenly, Bobby wakes up! He writes something cryptic on Sam’s hand.

Bobby falls back. Smiles. Mutters, “Idjits.” And then he dies. The episode fades to the awful ringing of a flat heart monitor. Dean and Sam watch, helpless, as Bobby fails to be revived. 

For YOU ARE LITERALLY KILLING ME WITH YOUR FACE Science:

Bobby heads into his mind-kitchen and grabs some beers. The reaper returns and tells him it’s all fading away now. Bobby looks towards where Sam and Dean (his BOYS) are sitting. He realizes it’s a memory but, “glad I saved the best for last.” Bobby walks away from the reaper and towards the Winchesters. Sam and Dean bicker amiably over junk food on the couch as Bobby settles himself next to them. 

The Winchesters fade away mid-bicker. “Stay or go,” the reaper asks. “What’s it gonna be?” The episode closes on a ticking watch that abruptly...stops.

Don’t Fear the Quoter:

You’re either laughing because you’re scared or you’re laughing because you’re stupid

Kids ain't supposed to be grateful! They're supposed to eat your food and break your heart, you selfish dick!

You got the only genetic case of bullet in the brain I've ever seen’

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[altagraye]

Big Big Love pt 4

Quote:

" We chase misprinted lines, We face the path of time."

-'Nutshell',-Alice in Chains.

TW!: depiction of rape! - not by dean-o! kind of :( violence!

pt 4: Nutshell

Dean:

It's been about six weeks since the news. Making her 9 weeks pregnant. The pup is about the size of a raspberry. Crazy to think of just how tiny a life can be. Maia's features are just barely noticeable, but it was enough for me. To a stranger's eye she might look normal or at worst bloated from a weekend of binge eating. Each night, without fail, I would set my head over her stomach, gently, and just listen. I didn't expect myself to cry when I'd heard the faint drumming. Along with a keen sense of smell, if I focus hard enough I can hear better than normal humans. One of the perks of being an Alpha, I guess.

I talk to her stomach all the time, tell it how much I love it.  We don't talk about her trauma, but every once in a while I'll catch her crying up a storm. I'd just sit there and hold her. Knowing what happened, made me feel guilty about making her hold that little boy. I had no idea how hard that must've been for her. The trail on Felix has run cold again, he's an elusive fucker.

I enjoyed cooking for Maia every morning, another way of providing for her and the baby. She's been having a hard time lately. Most of the day she can't leave our bedroom. If she does she gets violently nauseous from Bobby's, Sam's, and Cas' scents all hitting her nose at once. Sometimes she's able to bite the bullet and spend a few hours with all of us before retreating back to the safety of my flannels and the cold bedsheets. In the past few days I've noticed she gets very tired, fatigue settling in, the pup drains her out like a battery. I've gotten more territorial and growl at anyone who gets too close to the den, too quickly. Like yesterday, Sam was just chatting Maia up, casual, making her feel like she wasn't so alone or trapped inside our room. And I dunno I just snapped kind of. I shoved him out of the threshold and growled at him, pinning him to a wall until Cas peeled me off. I apologized immediately and Sam brushed it off externally but I could tell that it had effected him.

I let that moment race through my mind as I subconsciously listened to the TV, an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond was playing. I let out a sigh. I too was tired. Most of the time I couldn't sleep. I was constantly on alert, thinking of ways to provide for my growing family in between searching for other foreign Alphas, looking to make their moves. Maia always fell asleep quick when I was with her for the night. It's like I'm her personal version of Ambien. I stared at the ceiling thinking about everything and nothing until sleep washed over me.

I didn't expect to dream at all. But here I was, running into a vaguely familiar convenience store that I'd been working at for about three years. I was late, again. Gods, Tony is gonna kill me, he's the Alpha that runs the store, my boss. Not only was he an Alpha but he's an Alpha with a power complex. My shift was normal, the slow parts agonizing, and time flew when the store was busy. I was closing up tonight, just finishing my last isle, dipping the mop into the cruddy bucket water. Surprisingly Tony didn't give me a piece of his mind. Oddly I liked this little dumb job. Gaining little bits of green for my parents. And saving even tinier bits for me, not that I ever wanted much of anything. I was the kind of girl that would wear my soles down 'till they got holes- only then would I buy myself a new pair. Woah. What the fuck? Did I just call myself a girl?  In the mirror of the employee bathroom I tied my hair up into a tight and high ponytail. I've heard of this before, but never thought more of it as being an old wives tale. I was staring at Maia, through her own earthen-shaded eyes, at myself. Soul-binding. It's a special bond that happens between mates. I was dreaming wasn't I? But all of this felt so real. God, even in a semi-dingy and generic uniform, Maia- sweetheart, you're beautiful.

I walked home, the house was dimly lit. Mom and Dad were up which was very odd. They sat on the old rickety couch, Mom leaning to one side because one of the springs that stuck out of the fabric too much. We couldn't afford to get a new one. I smiled at them not knowing what was wrong. "Hi." I went into the kitchen to grab a snack. I usually didn't take the time to have a lunch break, munching on a granola bar in-between punching in customers orders was enough for me. I noticed a paper on the counter by the sink. I picked it up examining the wall of text before me. A contract for Omega sales. I was deeply confused. After all I've sacrificed for them, they were selling me to strangers.

"Mom? Dad? What the hell is this?" I said walking into the cramped living room and chucking the paper in their direction. Even though I was angry, my eyes welled up with tears. How could they do such a thing? To their own daughter? All over money. They couldn't even look me in the eye. Two men came into view from the shadows of the house. They were both huge, towering over Maia's small frame. This is what it felt like to be an Omega? There's no way Maia could overpower these behemoths, even if she fought back. Me, being an Alpha I'd never felt like that before.

"Hey there, Baby-Doll. I'm glad I invested in you. Mmm those legs." said a foreign voice from behind her. Just that sentence made rage boil deep within me. Don't you talk to my girl, my wife, like that. Maia let her claws extend. She wasn't going to leave willingly. The larger of the two, the one dressed in a guards uniform took one of her wrists easily and snapped it. The pain crippled her, sending her to her knees. The other monument of a man stepped forward, he was dressed nicely, akin to a Mafia boss. He ran his fingers through her hair and I could feel his breath on her ear.

"I like it when you Omegas struggle, gets me all stiff. I'm gonna have a lotta fun breaking you, Baby-Doll. Say your goodbyes."  This must have been Felix. He smelled of cigars, pungent and ever-present. The guard threw her over his shoulder. Screams ripped from her throat, begging for her parents to help her, but they only watched.

"Pleasure doing business, don't come looking for her, I'll be more than happy to chop you up myself." Felix warned them with a malice smile on his smug face. They shoved her into a car and put a black burlap sack over her head so she couldn't see where the Millhouse was located. They shoved her into a small gutted room with a mattress, minus the box-spring, on the cold floor. Her room had a chair, the one I recognized to be the one Sam and I had found her in. there was a functioning toilet there, surprisingly.

She'd been there for three days before her Heat hit, just like she said. It was agonizing, the sweltering temperatures couldn't quell themselves. Her mind was in a deep haze, barely able to hold conscious thought. Her throat was dry from dehydration, her Heat was making it worse too. In the distance at the end of the hall, there was an Omega making terrible animalistic pain filled grunts. Maia's thoughts figured out that conundrum for me. That poor Omega was stuck in this terrible place, in the middle of giving birth. From the sounds of it, no one paid her any mind, left the poor woman to herself in agony.

Felix came into a foggy view, pulling up a chair close to Maia's cell.

"Hello, Baby-Doll. You know I've never seen such a rare bird. You're a virgin right? Must be bad, havin' that Heat." he said taking a lighter and cigarette, lighting it and sucking in a drag. "No worries, Magdalena, I got somebody to help you out." he breathed out the smoke. Her cell door opened with a loud metallic creak. It was the same guard who'd broken her wrist days before. He was visibly taken over, rut-ridden.

Don't you fucking touch her! Get out! I said to myself trapped in the confines of Maia's mind. I knew what was going to happen next. I wanted to rip this Alphas throat out, with my teeth. I would have done that, if I were there. But there was no one to help her. The guard hoisted her up by her broken wrist, making her wail in pain. He threw her into the hard metal chair. He fumbled with his belt. She was terrified.

"Felix. Please make him stop! I'll do anything! I'll clean this place. I'll help that woman, make him stop!!" she begged, anything but this. A smirk formed wide on Felix's cold face.

"Sorry Baby-Doll, it's just business." Maia felt like a deer in headlights, and she felt her heart sink to the center of the Earth, far below her. Her heat made her submit, and it made her too weak to fight back. The guard took her pants and shirt off, revealing her naked form. He forced open her legs and without mercy plunged himself into her. I won't ever forget that scream that echoed out of her esophagus. It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard. Just as she had, I'd felt every touch. The way he'd thrust into her like he was deprived of sex. He gripped her hip bones like a vice, slamming her body into his as he buried himself into her depths.

Maia whimpered with each stroke, and cried. It was all so tragic and senseless. I'd never treat a woman like this. Maia stared, like a lifeless zombie, trying to focus on anything but the reality of what was happening to her. She watched Felix watching her. He had been pleasuring himself.

Felix's eyes rolled in annoyance, the woman from the end of the hall was ruining his mood. "C'mon! Shut the fuck up. It's your fifth product, get used to it, Darling!"

The guard didn't let up, he'd changed positions, grinding her face into the back of the chair, taking her from behind. Maia'd stopped crying. She didn't want to give Felix anymore satisfaction. She blacked out by the time the guard released his fourth knot inside her. Just when I thought she'd finally found some kind of rest, a deafening bang rang out through the complex jolting her from the dark. The guard's lifeless body lay on top of her, his warm blood showering her in red. They were still connected. Felix was inside the cell now, Beretta drawn and steaming.

Felix was brimming with anger. He heaved at the guards' body, ripping his member out of Maia's core. Felix's chest was heaving, "Consider yourself lucky Baby-Doll, ain't nobody claimin' a jewel like you."

Some time had past, a plague swept through the Omegas in the complex. Maia found herself thinking she was near death. Chills, intense body-aches, to top it off with violent vomiting. Felix entered her cell and threw something at her, a pregnancy test.

"Piss on it, now." he demanded from her. His face crumbled in disgust. "You reek of honey, Baby-Doll." She is not your anything you dick!

She watched him with fury in her eyes and followed his dumb order. I'm sick, I'm just sick. She thought. A few minutes of silence and Felix yanked the stick from her grip. A smile spread across his face.

"You are useful after all, Magdalena. Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth." She was taken by surprise by him quoting scripture, something Maia was unfamiliar with since her faith was pagan. But she understood the point he was making. She was pregnant, forcibly.

At first she didn't know how to take the news. Who would given the Hell you've been through? As time went on, she found a little bit of hope in the life growing within her. She would hum Fleetwood Mac songs to it and fantasize about holding her little girl or boy, she didn't know the gender and wouldn't care as long as it was healthy. Once in the middle of the night she woke up confused, feeling a foreign movement from inside. After a few moments of contemplation she'd loved that feeling. A sure sign of life, her only sense of hope in the darkness of Pandora's box that she felt she was trapped in. Gods, can't someone open up this jar of horrors? Release me. She thought.

Felix noticed her happiness and by the next morning she felt her cold skin against the metal chair. Her head was throbbing and she felt groggy as all Hell like she'd been drugged. She opened her eyes to see that her arms were above her chained to the ceiling and she'd been locked in that chair. She took a deep breath in and winced. A dull pain in her abdomen. She looked down. Don't look Love, your heart'll break. She was dressed in only a bra and underwear. And across her stomach was a sutured incision. Not claw marks like I assumed. She couldn't help the flood that escaped her eyes, dripping onto her thighs, cold like the sting of death.

Her only sense of happiness had been literally ripped from her. How cruel. She felt so empty. She thought she couldn't feel anything else, except there was one thing left. A primal rage that made her wild and see red.

"Felix!!! Where is my Baby?!! Bring me my Baby!!" she yelled out on the top of her lungs with everything she had left in her. Felix came into her view.

"Oh, poor Magdalena. Someone has to pay rent." he said gripping the cold steel bars of her cell. Maia gnashed her teeth and her claws extended out. She yanked down on her chains and they gave way but only half of it came undone.

"Don't get cocky with me Bitch! This is what you were put on this Earth to do. Eat, shit, and bear pups- that is all you are!" He exerted his dominance. He opened the door to her cell and began to beat her.

I woke from Maia's nightmare with a gasp, staring up at the ceiling. I was relieved to be back in the waking world, being wrapped under the warmth of the covers. I knew every part of what I was second-hand experiencing was real and had happened to her. I felt every bit of it. And I knew her feelings and thoughts, her insurmountable joys and her deepest lows. I closed my eyes and sighed I expected my arm to hold the body of my two loves but there was only air in her place of the bed. My mind jumped to conclusions I turned my head to see if I was only imagining things but all I saw was a mess of sheets and the impression of her head left on her pillow.

My heart semi-relaxed as I heard terrible sounds of gagging and retching coming from my left. The light was on in the bathroom and the door open. My eyes searched the room for a hair-tie, finding a pink one on her bedside table, I grabbed it and stepped into the light. Maia was sprawled out on the cold tile, her head looming over the open toilet. Looks like she's been here a while. I joined her, spooning up against her back, casting my legs on either side of her equally. I drew her hair up for her, making a bun. She was barely able to reach the handle, but stretched and flushed the putrid down.

I rubbed her back in a circular motion and used my other palm to caress her forming bump. Our growing Little Bean. She shuddered from the exchange of my warm touch on her freezing skin. Feeling the wave of sickness lessen, she rested her head against my shoulder.

Maia:

His whiskey scent, eased my queasy stomach, in a near instant. I rested my forehead in his nape before I spoke weakly, my throat still raw from upchucking.

"It's so cold." I told him. His hand from my back left and caressed the other side of my belly keeping me warm. He didn't know what I was talking about.

"Hell, it's cold, so cold. I thought it was 'spposed to be all fire 'n' brimstone." Dean shifted his head to look at me seriously.

"How'd you know that?" he asked, I could sense his heart skipping. He was worrying again. My eyes met his.

"Dreamt it, felt it, like I was trapped in your melon. They tortured you, the black eyed assholes, 'til you broke. And then they made you work on that rack. They hurt you." he gulped scratchily and ducked his lips into the nape of my neck, where my claim-mark was.

"If I saw that, what'd you see?" I asked him, not wanting to prod him further, understanding his Hell. Please, don't avoid the question Dean. Just speak to me. He took in my scent, calming himself.

"Your time, in the Millhouse." he said truthfully. My nose started to flare, at that thought. I didn't want to remember any of it, my version of Hell. I wanted it to stay stuffed down, locked inside far away. But I needed to know, just how much he experienced. How much of my darkest days did he see?

A gasp left me, " How much?" I asked him, grabbing his hand that still clutched at my belly. He slipped his thumb underneath my shirt, finding my scar with ease, and traced it tenderly.

"All of it. Felt it too. Felix, that sumbitch is gonna pay." he said his voice catching on his words, upset. I grimaced and took a deep breath, needing more of his whiskey.

"Dean? Can you help me up? This kid isn't even the size of a walnut yet and it's mastered the art of exhaustion." I laced my words with comedy, like I always did when I was under stress. He kissed my claim mark before standing.

"Anything for you." he grabbed underneath my armpits and hoisted me up to my feet, making sure I had my footing before letting go. Even with all this hurt, this unimaginable anchor that we now shared, he was still so incredibly perfect. How do you do it? And how did Fate let me meet you? It really is like we were made for each other. I turned to see his face. My hand went to his cheek, my thumb rubbing his scruff. Those sad, sad eyes, so heavy.

"Thank you." I told him sincerely. "Don't have to." he replied. We returned to bed, our scents harmonizing perfectly together. Dean set his head gently over my bump, like he did every night.

"Now you listen to Daddy, Little Bean, quit making Momma sick, she needs to sleep." I loved it when he talked to our kid. Little Bean, huh? I could get used to that. It's cute as shit. I laughed a bit.

"Little Bean?" I questioned him running my fingers through his short hair on the back of his head. He lifted his head and turned to reply to me.

"What? You got a better nickname?" my mouth twisted in a frown and I rolled my eyes at him.

"No." I said. "'Kay then, so 'til we find out what you are, your name is Little Bean Winchester." he pulled up the fabric of my shirt, as if the baby could hear better without the obstruction. He placed a tender kiss over my scar, making me tear up, damned pregnancy hormones!

"Love you." he told my belly before pulling down my shirt for warmth. He covered me in the comforter set and his hand cupped my cheek and under my jawline dragging me in for a kiss. "Goodnight, my Love."  he told me before landing his head on the pillow.

"'Night." I told him, his eyes closed. I let my mind thinking of nothing, just focusing on the sweet whiskey that filled my nostrils, traveling into my lungs, until the sandman let me sleep the rest of the night through. I didn't dream of any more nightmares. Thank the Gods! In my slumber I did hear the bubbling of a slow moving stream. How peaceful.

My eyes were shut even with the morning light streaming across my face making the little veins in my eyelids visible, gross. Until I heard a loud crash from below, on the first floor, it was an eerily familiar sound that could only mean someone had broken a window. The tiny follicles on the back of my neck stood on end and my eyes shot open. Dean was leaning over me, already awake and alert from the sound. He cupped my mouth so that I didn't make a sound, he placed a silent index finger over his lips, a command to keep me quiet. He saw the panic in my eyes.

I sat up slowly in bed being careful not to make the bedspring creak underneath me. We heard the sure sound of footsteps, heavy, most likely an Alpha. Dean got up from bed with the stealth of his hunter skills on full display. He grabbed the loaded gun from his bedside drawer and stalked barefooted to the bedroom door, listening intently. I nearly forgot to breathe. Was Felix finally here to steal me away, again? His prized chew-toy.  Dean left the room and the door cracked just a bit.

Through the crack I saw Sam, in the same high alert that his brother armed himself with, gun in tow. Together they snuck down the stairs, I waited in the silence. Where's Bobby and Castiel? How many intruders were there? How many Alphas could Felix conjure up? 10? 20? More? I listened close, a scuffle ensued, I could hear Dean grunting, and Sam was fighting too. I could hear Castiel enter the fight now coming up from the basement. Three. There has to be more than just three. Dean single-handedly killed off eight rut-ridden Alphas, he was strong but not Superman. He was lucky he made it out of that one alive in the first place. The not knowing was absolutely making my skin crawl.

Just when the fight got louder, I heard nothing at all, stillness left the action hanging from a thread. Did they get dragged outside the house? I heard no gunshots, so that means they hadn't had the chance to fill the intruders full of lead. I got up from bed, not sensing any immediate danger. Glass shattered and something shoved me to the ground. One of the Alphas had found the bedroom and by some act of God entered into the second floor. Glass embedded it's sharp unforgiving teeth into my flesh. Everything happened so fast I barely had time to let my claws escape my fingers. I tried to identify my attacker, sniffing the air around me. I couldn't quite make out the scent but it was not Felix's distinct Cigars.

The Alpha took advantage of me protecting my belly, that's all I cared about really. He grabbed my hair and dragged me out of the bedroom, down the stairs, glass grinding it's way further into my flesh and into my back. It stung to say the least. Each hardwood step thudded against my back, my spine slamming against the hardness, I let out a scream. I grabbed for the Alphas hand that had a hold of my hair. My claws met the skin of his forearm and I dug in and scraped as hard as I could. His blood casting onto my face.

"Bitch!" he landed a good punch to my jaw, making me see stars. From outside, I'd heard growl like I'd never heard before. It wasn't just possessive, it was laced with contempt and itching for bloodshed. It was Dean, realizing my scream and imminent danger. The front door had been nearly ripped from it's hinges, hanging in an awkward position.

I craned my neck to look, my body laying in a small pool of blood at the base of the stairwell. His gun was aimed at the Alphas distracted face, I ducked down covering my ears and head as Dean unloaded the entire clip into him, filling the wood with more blood. The first shot entered his face, most likely causing a swift death, making his body thud to the floor. Once down on the ground, Dean stood over him finishing out the magazine, overkill. I knew Dean was protective and possessive, but this reminded me of major feral activity. Dean picked me up, his heart unable to calm down.

He carried me over to Bobby's wooden chair, one arm under my thighs and the other holding my head over his shoulder. He slammed me into the chair, it wheels  sliding me into the bookshelf from the force he gave it. A claw hooked itself around the elastic of my pajama pants, shredding them with ease. What are you doing?

"Dean?" I asked but he didn't answer at all, overcome by rage, unable to control himself. My heart sunk when he broke his belt apart and pulled down his jeans revealing his rock hard member. I clasped my legs together, my subconscious mind knew where this was going. My eyes started to tear up with salty wetness.

"Dean! Please. I'm okay. Don't!!" he gripped my hips, his claws digging into bone, his grip bruising. His whiskey was so strong it burned my lungs. My lips quivered. Not this. Not again. Not you. I wasn't slick, he plunged himself inside me, using my body weight against me, forcing my hips into his with his hands. It felt like I was being ripped in two. I screamed out. All I could think about was our Little Bean. That's what I let myself focus on. Dean was not gentle, like our first sexual encounter. He grunted out words with each pain-filled thrust.

"Can't. Stop. Need. Scent. Off. My. 'Mega. Mine." his breath was close to my claim-mark and he bit it again, his sharp teeth grinding into my flesh relentlessly. It was not euphoric like it had been the night of our, marriage. It was like a bunch of rows of needles into my flesh, nearly down to the bone. An inhuman scream escaped my throat. This was my worst nightmare. I thought I'd been through Hell, twice. First being my time in the Hole, second being my soul-bonding dream feeling my Love's time in actual Hell. But this, was worse than both of them combined. Please, I can't lose another baby. Just stop.

My vision started to blur when I saw the figure of a man standing in the threshold of the damaged front door. My nose picked up Pinewood. Sam staring at the horror in front of him, his brother turned feral to the point of incoherent thought. The life of his niece or nephew hanging in the balance. There was a stream of blood on his face from the fight.

"DEAN!!" his gruff voice rang out hoping to snap his brother out of his vicious- rabid state. It worked. Castiel came up behind Sam peering at the scene. His clothes stained with blood. They'd won the fight, but there was a different one unfolding in front of them. Sam's eyes glazed over with tears as he entered the house further. Dean's fangs rescinded back into their gums and he de-latched himself from my nape. He was trembling. Warm blood trickled down my neck soaking into my shirt.

Dean let out a sob, "Oh my God. Oh my God! Maia. I'm so-". He realized his sins, taking in my form. He exited his member from me, barely any slick around it. I whimpered from his exit, my insides sore.

Sam was next to Dean now, his focus on me and my condition. Sam's eyes jutting back to Dean his hands trembling, covering his mouth, staring at his now flaccid erection, covered in blood. He zipped himself up and stood there sobbing into his hand, not believing what he'd just did. Sam took me into his arms and hoisted me up gently my glassed side brushing against his chest, making me suck in a breath from the sting. Dean growled at this, he didn't like another Alpha touching me, even if to save me, even if it was his own brother.

"You need to back off." Sam's gruff voice told him. "Cas, upstairs." he demanded. Dean's expression returned to a deep unyielding sadness. Dean was a wreck, a train wreck. He had curled up with a bottle of Jack slumped against the wall of our bedroom tears still falling. Sam didn't care about my naked state in that moment, nor did Cas but I don't think he has the wherewithal to be ashamed about such a thing anyway. Sam set me down on my bed on the edge so Cas could evaluate and heal the damage that was in his repertoire. He healed my mark first. Making the dizziness lessen.

His angelic touch gently hovered over my bump. I watched him intently. Little Bean? I need you to be okay. In his now drunkenness, Dean interjected, "Cas. Is it okay?!" taking another large swig of the poison.

"The child is unharmed, and still healthy." he announced. Artemis! Thank you!  I praised the moon goddess in my head, releasing tears from relief. Not only did she reign over the moon but in ancient times, she was protector of children, especially the unborn. With that monkey off my back, I felt my actual back sting and ache. Dean closed his eyes, thankful but still unable to forgive himself. Much to my dismay, the glass had to be removed manually, with tweezers until Cas could heal over it.

Sam spoke, telling his brother what to do this time. " Dean, we've got this, go take a shower and clean yourself up." not being able to interject or even look at me, he took a shower. Sam helped with the extraction of the hundreds of glass shards that were embedded into my flesh, some deeper than others. Sam plucked and Cas healed. My shirt had to come off and just as common decency I used it to cover my breasts. Dean came out of the shower, rather quickly, probably wanting to be by my side, knowing the pain he'd caused.

The glass was in my shoulder down to my elbow and more in my back. I don't know how long it took them to meticulously remove them all, but it was oddly soothing to hear each one clink collected into a bowl.

"Ah!" I let out from a particularly deep shard exiting the flesh of my back.

"Sorry." said Sam, "Last one." I started to gnash my teeth but it was over, so I'd been done with being in pain. Castiel really did have a magic touch. He gave me his best sympathetic smile, which wasn't a very convincing one. I smiled back at him.

"What the Hell?!" Bobby had come home to his house looking like a small tornado had danced around in it. Sam left to tend to Bobby's fuming state and Dean followed. Cas finished up patching me up with his weird but resourceful angel mojo. And I was finally able to relax into the confines of my nest. Dean's whiskey still present on the sheets. Cas plodded out to the hallway.

"Castiel? Thank you." I told him. He gave me a better smile and returned the favor with a , "You are welcome." before trudging down the steps. I was tired but not enough to go to sleep. My pack exchanged heated words before starting the grueling process of fixing the house. Brooms put to floors and bleach to wipe away blood. Panels of wood put in place of broken windows. Even with the three of them working diligently it was a rest-of-the-day affair. I caressed my stomach while the movie Inception played out it's final scenes. I got pissed at the ending, leaving on a cliffhanger like that?!

It was now night-time and decided to come down to the living room where Dean was still steadily filling his gullet with liquor, Bobby had his nose in a book, Sam was on the couch enthralled in a dated serial killer documentary, and Castiel was saint elsewhere. I sat next to Dean. He scooted away from me. That stung deeper than the glass.

I turned the TV off, ready to talk to Dean, and wanting everyone else to hear our conversation. Sam gave me a bitchface look but let it go, knowing the events of today needed to be talked out sooner rather than later.

"Dean,-" I started.

"There ain't shit to talk about." he rudely interjected. I sighed and raked my tongue against a canine, a habit I did when I was angry. I could feel the mile long stares from my pack-mates, listening closely. They waited for a shit-storm.

"We need to talk about it. Alright?" I told him putting my hand on his knee. He got up from the couch and stood.

"I fucking raped you, Maia. What's stopping you from walking out that door?! Like everything else I care about? I raped you in almost the same way you were in the Hole. How does that not make you see that guards face on mine? Huh? Tell me! I put our Baby in danger." I did have flashbacks from that night when the events unfolded today. But I wasn't going to let him know that.

"You went feral. It was not your-" I tried to make him listen to reason. He wasn't having any of it.

"of course it's my fault!! I wasn't strong enough to control my hands. Why the fuck don't you hate me? For it." he said. With that I stood, and got close to him.

To catch him off guard I took his hand in mine, his were warm which made the chill melt away for a moment.

"Dean?" I started sweetly before landing a firm flat hand into his cheek. Eye for an eye I guess. I let my voice out powerful so that he knew I meant every bit of what I told him next.

"Do NOT throw your guilt on me. Long before today I forgave you. I'm forgiving you now. I will continue to show you mercy for anything you hurl my way in the future. Little Bean is fine, and that's all I care about. Don't act like I don't understand your side. Our souls are linked. Permanently. You may not be able to forgive yourself, but I'm telling you, I'm not giving up a lifetime of happiness for one bad day." I guided his hand to my stomach and kissed him on the lips.

"Come to bed when you're ready." I told him. Bobby gave me a thumbs up as I stalked up the stairs retreating to the safety of my nest. I touched my belly. Sorry, Little Bean, we had a crazy day today, huh? I know Daddy doesn't feel good right now but he'll come around.

I tossed and turned in bed for a few hours before Dean came in, removing his clothes down to his boxers and laying by my side, not saying a word. Instead the only signals I got from him was a firm kiss on my lips and him resting his head on my bump, listening to Little Bean's thumping heart until both of us fell fast asleep.

End chapter 4.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hello there. I have a question (more like a thesis): What would have happened if Cas told the Truth anywhere between season 7 and 15? Do you think it would have had the same impact on Dean? Logically speaking Cas could have told him anytime.

Oh gosh, yes. I mean Dean’s reaction in season 15 is still the best it could have been really :P He was in the best place and most accepting of himself and he still had a BSOD for a moment and then Cas had to shove him away so he could go die... (Assuming you take the on screen boring presentation of what happened as canon and not throw in the reciprocation, tears, pull in for a kiss, etc that we know exists either in our hearts or on Jackles’ phone.)

I’ve been thinking about this and the parameters we’d have to apply if we were gonna get something like the show being self-healing back to its self as we know it but we were allowed a confession. Also the show has to be as punishing as ever. So these are my personal theses on each season... 

Season 7 the confession would have to be after Cas comes back, and everything in 7x17 that looked like Dean was jealous of Daphne and Meg textually was meant to be read that way in the set up for the confession. To make it the most painful obviously we still get Cas exactly as he was all through to the end of the season and he never really says anything too different but then right when they’re having the “cursed or not” discussion he’d bust out of nowhere that he supposes it is inevitable Dean would talk him into going on this dangerous mission to get Dick because obviously Cas loves him. And Dean, who is in a weirdly zen sort of place in the remaining minutes of season 7 after Bobby’s send off and final words that helped him go make up with Cas, is in a similarly season 15 oddly okay spot, mental health wise. At least. COMPARED TO ALL THE REST OF SEASON 7. But I still personally have always read it as a genuinely good place for him that could have endured much longer if not for *gestures everything that happened after stabbing Dick* and obviously making up with Cas was step one and a huge part of his process. 

(idk if you’ve noticed but 7x23 pretty much has no Sam and Dean interaction after Bobby’s send off, and their last good broments are really scarce; it feels sort of natural for abrupt calamity and no time for teary farewells in a season with a strong commentary on grief, which also hyperfocuses the attention on Dean n Cas there.)

So I think Dean would maybe be stunned but maybe quirk a sceptical smile like “He can’t mean it like that and anyway he’s currently coo-coo, this doesn’t mean anything hahaha oh Cas :)))” and then idk shake his head and move the story on and Cas just turns one longing look after him like “dammit that didn’t work out like planned” 

Anyway then the exact plot beats of 7x23 follow, exactly as seen on your screens, but we’re left going into season 8 and Carver era with Dean far far more messed up about Cas and it can force clarification in 8x02 in Purgatory where Cas is entirely adamant he meant what he meant and furious at Dean for being mad at him and Dean’s mad at Cas for all the season 8 reasons so they continue angsting at each other but Benny’s reaction shots are just 10x funnier. This is followed by Dean’s reciprocation of “I love you” instead of “I need you” in the crypt scene in 8x17 and from there honestly it’s been built up into canon in such a way that the emotional arc of the show has to go off the wheels and I can’t keep to the self-healing model to continue following the “real” plot and contain this much raw power.

Coincidentally, if the first confession is in season 8, it would be “what broke the connection” after a season 8 where nothing was different up until that point. Cas flaps off while Dean is still processing that the answer was “You. I love you.” and Dean is left yelling at the empty crypt like “What the hell, Cas?!” 

Then he’s as mad at him as he was in canon except instead of being borderline a really bad overreaction into his anger phase which we have to weather as miserable fans tethered to this ship who know sometimes Dean gets mad and yells at Cas for no reason, he’s reacting proportionately. It’s always seemed like 8x22 only makes sense if Dean is furious at Cas for confessing and fleeing except, obviously, in our “”real”” canon, it can only be like Cas confessed and Dean took it that way and also felt embarrassed how far he went with his own feelings only for Cas to run. 

This would make the bar scene with the cupids in 8x23 make a lot more sense too, and after they get the cupid bow Dean’s going to turn to Cas and give him a nervous smile, and then - Naomi flaps in like she does and distracts them away from reciprocation. 

I think this one could go long - maybe even season 13 Cas being dead and Dean being like “FUCK I never got a chance to work things out with him” and 13x06 onwards is where we get any actual work on the ship, because Carver era was so determined to be emotionally gruelling and unsatisfying and relentless from one issue to the next. And the confessions are so bound up specifically in the moments of miscommunication or failed attempts, cut off conversations etc that whether Destiel is canon or not, they’re never gonna get to talk it out under those conditions. Cas is only explicitly the grieving wife and jealous ex to Crowley’s smug take over of Dean’s affections rather than subtextually. 

The season 9 confession... I feel like we’d come perilously close to the Monkey Paw curse we once envisioned of Buckleming making it canon because they love jumping the gun on plot points and making them too obvious. So the end of 9x03, Cas is really blatantly angling to come in with a big “Hey I’m human can I live in the Bunker look at me I learned to do The Sex can we do it now” kind of vibe. All the enthusiasm he was giving to eating that burrito in the background while “Zeke” was trying to get him kicked out, but with lusting over Dean :P 

If we avoid that we can leap to Mr Bobo Berens and his first episode, and have this thing handled by a pro, as it’s already very much about Cas as a homeless queer man with a bad ex he still loves rolling into town where he’s just trying to make a new life and play straight - I mean human - for his own survival. I suspect the confrontation with Iphraim would make it really obvious that Cas didn’t just want to live as a human but had an eye for living as a human with Dean, and then he’d attempt a confession right before Dean would accidentally talk over, like, the L in “love” honestly, to tell him that sorry things do still stand that you can’t come back with me. Leaves Cas utterly devastated but Dean is none the wiser and he drives off and Cas pines piningly at the pine trees in his Gas n Sip. 

Again the end of season probably would force the real confession, since there’s a ready made moment in 9x22 where Hannah tries to force Cas to kill Dean and he gives it all up for one man. Cas can just lower that knife and be like, “No, I love him,” talking to his shoes and Hannah rather than meeting Dean’s eyes. Mark of Cain Dean is fuuuucked up at that point but we still get the moment where Dean carries Cas’s bag into the bunker and sits down with him and tries to care about his health and now also this confession. Sussing out what the heck is up with Cas, and maybe he looks like he’s playing it cool and is still so messed up but Cas is vulnerable, and finally Dean starts to reach across the library table for his hand, and it’s a moment where maybe things could have started to go better for them...... Cue Gadreel walking into the library, Dean going feral, blah blah demon!Dean, blah blah explicitly stated Drowley, blah blah muuuch healing and Cas giving Dean a wide berth for a lil while. Though, in this scenario, 10x22 is far worse but has the reverse crypt scene moment, so Dean can be more obviously unable to kill Cas because he loves him, and then he walks out, followed by season 11 and Cas being returned to them. Unfortunately. Yep. Another finger curls on the Monkey Paw... 11x03 by Buckleming would absolutely be where Destiel goes undeniably canon as it is their first real interactions post Mark of Cain. Our only consolation - directed by Jensen Ackles.

Season 10 confession, hm. Poor Cas. He has the option of 10x03, of confessing and then immediately apologising and walking off to handle stuff with Hannah (thanks Buckleming!) or the Burger Date, where Dean may be slightly less stunned stupid but still likely to laugh it off and not believe it. There’s not much heavy tension between them most of the season so it’s possible that the only time Cas would really get is to confess in 10x22 while telling Dean that he would have to watch him murder the world, and that would suck because I love you. At which point the story dictates that Dean beats Cas to paste so it’s a very bad look. Season 10 destiel confession is the worst. 

Season 11 may be better because Cas has options to be jealous of Crowley and Dean’s connection to Amara multiple times and then Casifer happens and that can really play up things in a season where a confession is coming. 

I think the Beer Run in 11x23 might be the only viable place, where Dean grabs Cas and takes him out for that drive for last drinks before the end of the world. Cas gets the “you’re our brother” thing and just lays into Dean with the certainty of someone who knows this is it - now or nothing - with “You know that’s crap, Dean. You wait until the end of the world and you can’t even say it. Well I can; I love you.” 

Cue awkward tension, well-placed interrupting Moose, and then the world very much not ending so that when Dean n Cas hug and kiss in front of Mary in 12x01. Well. There’s even more explaining to do to her. Since we’ve made it to Dabb era, I believe any confessions from this point onwards can just slot into the show as we got it from there since it’s entirely compatible to start season 12 assuming Dean n Cas are literally married and never be contradicted by the text in their behaviour. But since we’ve had canon Destiel since whenever, obviously the final episodes are good instead of. That.

Season 12... Going to have to go with the first sniff of true canon coming in Lily Sunder with just a few lines leaning even further in the Cas’s Angel Family Are Homophobic Assholes metaphor, leaving Cas’s relationship with Dean even more live wire exposed. Followed by The Mixtape Scene where Cas is going to confess to Dean and get him startled up out of his seat, accidentally knocking the mixtape to the floor and for a moment it’s like, did he throw it is he mad? but then he’s smooching Cas, fade to black, return to scheduled programming but the whole line about Cas stealing the Colt from under Dean’s pillow makes fuckin sense, as well as the fall out argument and how mad Dean was at Cas followed by how devastated he was at Cas’s death. This just means Dabb era continues as planned except we get a kiss in 13x06 under that big glowy cross, and some more smooching here and there when things are good from then on. 

Season 13... Hm. Cas has to do the confessing and I don’t think he’d throw that at Dean on return from death so unlike if Dean was the one who was being made to confess obviously the aforementioned glowy cross scene obviously would be it for him... Cas could keep that bottled up much longer, especially as he has so much to do with Jack this season. It’s entirely possible we go through the whole season and then Cas lobs it at Dean as a final card when he’s making his Michael decision and we actually see the scene that we didn’t get, where Cas has to watch Dean getting possessed. Except Dean is like, tearful and furious like why would you tell me that now, and anyway i’m doing this for you as well dumbass but fuck you but also how dare you anyway I need to be an archangel now and save our - your - son, bye. Cue Cas sitting there not just in total horror at what happened but also kicking himself for fucking up the moment :P I guess this way at least we can have that moment where Dean is un-Michaeled and tells Cas he’s going to shower and finger guns at him, and now we can have Cas wordlessly and furiously follow him. 

Season 14, we get Cas at Rocky’s bar confessing to Dean while figment!Pamela cheers the whole thing on. If there was EVER a time to use the power of love to snap Dean out of it, Cas upsetting his cosy routine with “this isn’t real, I’M NOT HERE IN YOUR FANTASY” is absolutely the time to pull a reverse crypt scene which has such low stakes in terms of neither of them needing to punch each other when Michael is an external aggressor.

My ONLY issue with this is that Sam has to witness the whole thing and we would get reaction shots and I am a weak mortal who will start cackling at them when I’m supposed to be having the transcendent moment of canon and the whole thing would be ruined just because of the way Jared gurns when doing reactions to dean n cas interacting. Wow thanks. Thanks a lot. 

[imaginedxlan]

Ghost of You (Luke Patterson)

a/n: I’m really taking the multifandom thing to the extreme huh? Well this is my #first julie and the phantoms imagine because that show is so gas. Also ghost of you by 5sos is also gas and it made me cry to think of this song and the boys so i just had to do something.

25 years ago, y/n was dating the frontman of the band Sunset Curve, Luke Patterson. Now, a quarter of a century after his untimely death, she sees what she can only assume to be his ghost in a new band and is reminded of the days when she loved him and how she processed his death at only seventeen.

y/d/n = your daughter’s name

Warnings: death, depression

_____________________

It’s a Saturday morning when your daughter comes running in to show you some YouTube video on her iPad. You can’t really understand what she’s saying, just things like holograph, hot boy and band. When she finally calms down and presses play on the video you see a young girl, no older than fifteen, singing with a beautiful voice. Your daughter has never really been one to show you random videos, not that this girl wasn’t a good singer, but you’re confused as to why she would have taken the time to run from her room to show you this video.

Then you see it. Just as the chorus of the song begins to play, a band appears around her, full equipment flashes in completely out of nowhere. There he is. You can’t believe your eyes. As your daughter begins to point out the boy wish the shaggy brown hair and glowing smile and how ‘hot he is’ you feel nauseous. Luke Patterson, front man of Sunset Curve and your deceased boyfriend.

“Turn that off, y/d/n.” You say sternly as your mind begins to cloud. This had to be some sort of dream, or nightmare. Seeing Luke’s face after so long, feeling like you had been transported right back to 1995, it was all too much. You had tried so hard to move on, to heal from the sudden loss of him, but seeing him like this brought back the hurt all over again.

“Mom? Are you alright?” Your daughter asks, still not pausing the video. “It’s just a video, I don’t understand.”

“I said turn it off!” You never meant to sound so harsh, but the queesy feeling in your stomach only worsens the more you hear the rasp in his voice, so clear compared to the only CDs you’d kept throughout the years. “I need to go lay down.”

July 30, 1995

This worst day of your life, standing next to your parents and his as you struggle for a breath. Only eight days have past since the fateful night that was supposed to be your boyfriends big break but ended up taking his life. Your arms are folded tightly in front of you as you attempt to stop the endless stream of sobs rolling from your lips. Staring at his casket, side by side with Alex and Reggie’s, made you feel sicker than any flu you’d every caught. The pastor walks ahead of the crowd in front of the three wooden boxes that held your very best friends.

“My friends, we are gathered here today for a number reasons. First, we are here to pay our tribute to three young men, all full of talent and promise, who have been taken from this earth far too soon. Reginald Peters, Luke Patterson, and Alexander Mercer.” When he calls the names of the boys, you only cry harder into your fathers shoulder. Only seventeen years old and you had already suffered the worst loss you could ever imagine. “We are also here to comfort the families of these boys along with their loved ones. Not only have we sensed our own personal feelings of loss over Reggie, Luke, and Alex’s passing, but our hearts have been drawn toward them, and will continue to be with them. We are here to seek comfort, as our hearts ache over this inconceivable loss, and we hope that these young men will find eternal rest, wherever they may be.”

With your heart heavy, so say your final goodbye to the boy you love most in this world. Placing a hand on his casket, the tears do not stop rolling down your cheeks. You feel a hand grip your shoulder and turn to see Mrs. Patterson, her eyes red and heavy like yours. You embrace the woman and cry into each other for a while, unable to break from the closest person to Luke. You hold her hand, his father on the other side of her, as they lower him into the ground. You replay the last moment you spent with him in your mind, wishing him luck before they went for those stupid fucking hotdogs before the show, telling him you’d be cheering him on from the wings. The Orpheum was their dream and they never got to play it.

You couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of loss, not that you were expected to. The weeks you spent laying in your bed, staring at the Sunset Curve posters and polaroids from concerts and rehearsals on your walls, turned to months. You didn’t cry, there were no more tears left in your body. Those photos are all you have left of him, that and their CD that played on repeat all day and night. Your parents were probably sick of it by now but they didn’t dare come in to tell you to turn it off. They did come in to tell you when dinner was ready and ask if you wanted to see any of the countless friends that came to comfort you. They would sit on your bed, listening to the voice of your now dead boyfriend and cry with you. They try to get you to leave the house, come with them on a walk or get breakfast at your favorite diner but it was no use. Any place you go will bring up a memory you have when Luke was there with you, smiling that bright shiny smile of his.

You eventually did go outside, having to start and finish out your senior year without him. No homecoming, no prom, no graduation. The school held memorials for the boys, they hung portraits and painted murals but it just made you more numb to the feelinh when you saw his face. Nothing made you happy anymore, you put on a face to keep your friends, parents and newly appointed grief counsellor from forcing any pills down your throat to fix the chemical imbalance that came from losing the only light on your life. They called it complicated grief, it was persistent and crippling, but you refused to take any pharmaceuticals. You feel semi-responsible for not being there to tell him hotdogs from the back of a car was a bad idea, you feel like you have to sit with this ever present sinking feeling. You spend Luke’s birthday with his parents every year, remembering the last birthday you spent with him and trying your hardest to smile at the memory of the boys smashing his cake into his face at some random stop on tour, but you can’t.

Present Day

You find the video that your daughter showed you earlier today, Julie and the Phantoms they were called. You had pulled the shoe box out of your closet, the one filled with concert t-shirts, polaroid’s and posters from the best days of your life and went through them for the first time in a long time. Your husband knew Luke, he went to your high school and then college. He knew what his death did to you and he understood that Luke Patterson will always have a piece of your heart. He doesn’t mind, he supports you on the hard days, his birthday and the anniversary of his death, and he pushes you to grow and heal from the pain. You needed someone like him in your life, he was good.

“We buried you.” You whisper as your finger comes into contact with the screen, staring at the face of the seventeen year old boy you lost in 1995. Your daughter explained it was a hologram, that the girl who was singing had programmed them into her stage, but you watched every single Sunset Curve performance and it looked nothing like any one you ever saw. You were staring at the ghost of him. Your hand reached for your favorite polaroid picture of him, all sweaty and gross after a show with the biggest smile on his face. “We buried you, Luke.”

Your husband had already seen the video by the time he came home from work. He held you while you cried, swearing he was a ghost. He told you over and over again that he was just a hologram, and you eventually stopped fighting him. Your daughter was confused, you never told her about Luke or the boys, it was just too hard. In the morning you went through the box again, this time stopping on a disposable camera photo of the two of you holding each other backstage just before a show. When you looked closer at the photo he was wearing the same blue hoodie he was wearing that night.

July 22, 1995

Sound check is only a few minutes away and you sat on a big red couch in the backstage area of The Orpheum with the boys. You were cuddled into Luke’s side, hearing his heartbeat racing at the thought of getting on stage in less than an hour.

“I can’t believe we made it,” Alex muses, fiddling with his drum sticks. “Sunset Curve, playing at the Orpheum.”

“Tell your friends.” Reggie adds, making the group laugh. “I can’t believe it either. This is going to change everything.”

Bobby nodded with the boys, so did Luke. You looked up toward him, in awe of how far they’ve come. “Hey, I’m really proud of you.”

He looks down to you and pulls you tighter into him before pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Wouldn’t be here without you.”

“As if,” You roll your eyes. “I just told you Sunset Curve sounded better than Sunset Curb, and Alex was already pushing against curb.”

He just smiles, and rests his head on top of your. “We have to go soon. We’ll probably get something to eat beforehand, so I’ll see you after the show. I love you.”

“I love you more, hot shot.” You reply, lifting your head to leave a soft kiss on his lips. The boys let out a collective ew to which you respond with your middle finger, no words. “Go kill it, you know where I’ll be.”

“Don’t move!” Reggie shouts as Luke is about to get off the couch. He pulls out a camera from his backpack and brings it to his eye. “You’ll want this for the slideshow when I make my speech at your wedding.”

You and Luke roll your eyes before he brings you closer into his side, flashing his award winning smile. You hold him tight and stare up at his beautiful face when the flash of the camera goes off. He plants one more kiss on your temple before getting up.

The four boys filed out of the backstage area and onto their respective spots on stage, Luke turning around to send you one last wink before grabbing his guitar. Not even an hour later, the sound of sirens bring you the worst news you could ever fathom. They were dead, the three of them were dead and you never even got to say goodbye. You and Bobby stand shocked while the officers explain what happened, your first thought being this is some huge prank they’re playing to get their nerves out before the show. But it wasn’t. They really died that night and you’re left wondering what you could’ve done different so he would still be here. So Reggie could have actually made a speech at your wedding, what you could have done to build a life with him instead of losing him at seventeen. 

Present Day

You spend a long time deciding what will make you feel okay after this. You had spent years avoiding every aspect of life that would remind you of your lost love, but now his ghost, or hologram, is an internet sensation. While it broke your heart to see him again, doing the thing he loved most in this world, it forced you to look back on your time with him, to look through all the memories you made with him and you were grateful for that. You find that the young girl, Julie, goes to school with your daughter. You decide that direct contact between a fifteen year old and a forty-two year old stranger would be far out of your comfort zone. Settling on a letter that your daughter will pass along to her, you sit down to write.

Dear Julie,

      My name is Y/n, I’m y/d/n’s mom. This may seem a little odd that  your classmate’s mother is writing you a note, but I have to thank you for something. In 1995, I lost someone very special to me, a few people actually. They were in a band called Sunset Curve, maybe you’ve heard of them. Y/d/n showed me your performance, all I can say is wow. You are an extraordinarily talented girl, not only musically but your holograms are awe-striking. When I saw the figure of my late friends come on to screen, you have no idea what kind of joy that brought me, to watch them perform again. I was with them that night, the night of The Orpheum. They were one step closer to stardom before it all ended, if they were able to see that your music was bringing them back to life I’m sure they would be shouting and carrying on like they always did. You allowed me to get one last chance to see them perform, something I always wished I could see. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I’m not sure how you managed to create them and bring them into your show, but however you did it you brought some peace back into my life. After watching your video, I was finally able to face the past, something I have been struggling with for years. If you ever had any questions about the boys or want to see some memorabilia I’ve kept all these years, feel free to reach out. Again Julie, you don’t know what your video gave me, I am forever grateful for you and your technological skills. I hope success finds you, thats all Sunset Curve could have ever dreamed of.

Best Wishes,                                                                                                      Y/N

[aestheticallyunaesthetic17]

100 questions and answers

Who is your hero? Probably future me, i want to be able to grow up and be the better person that i hope they are, and the only way of knowing that is by making it happen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? New Zealand, Canada or USA. I lived in TX for 3 months and loved it there and I have family in NZ and Canada.

What is your biggest fear? Wasps, 100%. Not being stung but the way they look scares me.

What is your favorite family vacation? When we went to Krakow in Poland.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My skin color. I hate it so much.

What really makes you angry? People hating others or stopping others from being themselves.

What motivates you to work hard? To make future me happier than I am now.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I want to be in cabin crew, so probably the traveling.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? Being away from family.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting through the shit 2020 brought me without killing myself.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? No kids rn.

What is your favorite book to read? Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

What makes you laugh the most? My boyfriend.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Freaks. I was a bad movie, a little like the scary movies franchise. My friend was scared at parts which was super funny to watch

What did you want to be when you were small? An actor. Typical Leo ;)

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? They can be anything they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Visit Edinburgh alone.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch, American Football. To play, archery.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Drive a car, it's peaceful and warm. I would blast music.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? no idea.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Heart and Capital

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Dishes or vacuum.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work!!!

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Tandoori Prawn curry.

Who is your favorite author? Jacqueline Wilson or JK Rowling (only her books, not her)

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Just Em. But id like to be called Millie.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Depends on the surprise tbh, I like to plan a lot.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Watch a movie.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I was meant to go this year but covid and leaving the US fucked it up.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Work the perfect job, id get bored sitting around all day.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? my boyfriend.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel and see the world.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 2012. To see my Nana again.

How would your friends describe you? Stupid.

What are your hobbies? Traveling, photography, music and shopping.

What is the best gift you have been given? Forgiveness from myself.

What is the worst gift you have received? Sixe XXL jacket when im an XS

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My macbook.

List two pet peeves. - Breaking trust - Bad table manners

Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully working my dream job, maybe moved to a different country and traveling the world.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many, roughly 16

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Invisibility or teleportation.

What would you do if you won the lottery? build my own house

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Train, its so relaxing. Then planes.

What's your favorite zoo animal? Lions or tigers.

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? My time in America.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? - My nana - my bf - Princess Diana - Obama

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4, two on each side.

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? 26 hours, traveling to Texarkana from Edinburgh.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? Idk tbh

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? looks for intelligence because then you can earn enough for plastic surgery.

How often do you buy clothes? 1/2 a month

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Idk I guess so.

What's your favorite holiday? Summer vacation Christmas for an actual holiday

What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Moved half way across the world and lived with strangers.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Nothing

What was the last book you read? 1984

What's your favorite type of foreign food? Indian

Are you a clean or messy person? Both, but relatively clean

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Millie Bobbie Brown probably

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 1 hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Kettle

What's your favorite fast food chain? Chick fil A (i know, i cant buy it now tho)

What's your favorite family recipe? Nana's bacon and egg pie

Do you love or hate rollercoasters? LOVE

What's your favorite family tradition? Opening gifts on Christmas Eve

What is your favorite childhood memory? I dunno really, Ive forgotten a lot of my childhood.

What's your favorite movie? Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Beautiful Boy

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Probably 7/8 but I dont remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty.

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Said i'd come back one day.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? A boat and food. Yes i am that person.

What was your favorite subject in school? Scottish school, geography. US school, government.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Haggis

Do you collect anything? Foreign coins

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Skinny jeans, my ass looks gooood in them

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert that likes being sociable

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? hearing

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) nope

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? my dad is well know in the whisky business. Has his own prime tv show

What do you do to keep fit? Walk a lot and swim.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? nope

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? everyone is equal.

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Scottish School, my geo teacher. US school, my english teacher.

What three things do you think of the most each day? My bf, my mum and America

If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Sad, angry and anxious

What song would you say best sums you up? 17 again

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? Timothee Chalamet or Tom Holland

Who was your first crush? a boy called Finlay who i rode the bus with

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? sheep or cows very often

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 5

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? kids, married, settled down and happy. moved countries 100%

What was your first job? never had one

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? 5sos

How many languages do you speak? 1 - english

What is your favorite family holiday tradition? opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Who is the most intelligent person you know? my mum

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? a cat probably or a tiger

What is one thing you will never do again? trust people fully

Who knows you the best? my bf.