#i wanna get on a good path and steer my life towards my goals

[milagrosen]

i think i have forgotten to mention here but i'm actually back in school (ironic i know for someone who hates the schooling system)

But i'm here, the only reason really because it's a fashion school, which is something i love and it has good paths and opportunities to get more global/international possibilites for jobs and such

Yeah so now i have school stuff and all so art might be very few here and there

However, i will be using my intagram more and more because once i get to actually do art and design, we are allowed to post anything we want. I'm pretty sure we get to start designing stuff soon. A top, skirt and pants are at least coming at some point, maybe a shoe design too and also a ceramics project.

So support on my insta would be very much appreciated!💕 It's @ milaroseie

I post all my art, designs, fashion things, thoughts and photos i take of thing and also myself at times

Thank you as always for supporting me and liking my art, i will do art still no worries🩷

[evillex11]

tldr: geto ain't all that /j. he (may) actually never had his shit straight, gathered, and set as many thought he did (incl gojo). u can skip to the conclusion cuz this is way 2 long

i have the idea of geto being set on his goals drilled into my head so much that I forget how vulnerable he really is. he isn't really as “i've already decided and I won't stop at anything to pursue it” as I remember him to be 

like, I already know that geto's goals aren't solely for his personal gain or interests, he's not as selfish/cold-hearted as he might come off. he wanted to create a world where it's easier to live as sorcerers .... and it's not just bc he was almost killed by a nonsorcerer (toji) for a greedy reason and doesn't want it to happen to him again ... but he also had his friends and colleagues in mind—he doesn't want to see another innocent kid who had a shot at living the way she desired be killed again, he doesn't want gojo to be a tool anymore, he doesn't want to have piles of other sorcerers’ (his colleagues!!) bodies to be at the end. and mind you, when he decided to abandon everything he had, he was a teenager that saw too much as was spiraling out of control. he wasn't fully mature when he made his decision 

and if u maybe squint, u can see hints of regret in his decision... maybe uncertainty or just not wanting to pursue it as much as we're all led to believe. he was away for 10 years... that's a lot of time, what exactly did he do? he was running a cult and gathering curses for his grand plan of ridding the world of nonsorcerers. but in those years, he never posed any serious threat to the jujutsu world or nonsorcerers despite his already powerful technique ,, not until his declaration of war at least. but even then, it wasn't even like he was guaranteed to win bc of how strong he's gotten... he declared that war knowing he had a good chance of losing, it was half-assed (lack of a better term). and when he did lose, he didn't bother to run away. he let gojo get to him, he let himself to die in his hands

all that to say, maybe geto didn't know what he was doing exactly—he wasn't as sure about his end goal, where he was going exactly, how he was going to do it and whatnot. it feels like he just decided on something without as much thought as he should've and is bound to that decision and felt inclined to just... keep going. dare I say, the whole thing was to give himself a new purpose. your whole life being you're a tool, a thing with an innate purpose to fulfil, isn't very pleasant to realize isn't it? (would like to add: purpose/value of life is explored multiple times in jjk). so maybe he wanted to take control of his life back by steering his goal from the one instilled to him as a sorcerer to one that he decided for himself. 

his lack of actual, impactful violence is telling of this. he was shaken up by the events that stacked onto him that it caused a decision to be made when it's heaviness fell on him. he had a crisis n felt like he needed to get a hold of himself, his ideals/morals were slipping away and he needed to grasp it again, somehow. it's not actually as grounded as I remember, it's not as set in his mind as we think. it seems otherwise by the way he seems accustomed to his new life, how untroubled he looks when we see him in jjk0, how fulfilled he is with how it's going. he has new acquaintances, a family, a goal which he won't stop at anything to reach. but we dont see what's behind that... we don't see how he feels through all this, how relieved he might've been to have gojo kill him finally. 

sorry for being so redundant lol I'm blabbering. but basically, geto may seem like he laid a clear path towards a goal bc of how confident he left everything the day of the KFC breakup, but he's actually unstable and unsure as hell. he stalled a LOT on doing actual impact and taking BIG steps to reach his goal. deep inside, he actually doesn't wanna go down that path, he just said he will to have a hold of himself, his ideals, his purpose.

but what do I know? I haven't rewatched jjk0 yet and I'm not done rereading the entire manga so… I don't trust my memory that much. might've remembered some things wrong or forgot a detail so ..  feel free to point that out !!! as always, discussion is always appreciated :3

also this makes me a bit happy cuz now my “the deal” by mitski x geto suguru vision is now perfect<3 I'm gonna have fun making that animatic!!!! in my head almost each line fits him now, I'm so happy. I love u geto I love u mitski. I do hope I get to make that damn animatic. I'm telling you it's so geto-coded!!!

[girlofprey7]

Why Apritello works/doesn’t work:

a short analysis and essay about April and Donatello’s overall dynamic and development in the 2012 show.

Apritello as a pairing is a pretty damn controversial topic in the TMNT 2012 fandom, and with good reason. Some fans may dislike or be against April because of her apparent rudeness or ungrateful nature towards everyone’s favourite brainy turtle, and Donatello may be thrown under the bus for his questionable and quote on quote ‘creepy’ behaviour towards April in the earlier seasons. Because of these observations, it has lead many fans to believe that relationship is unhealthy, toxic, and even going as far to call it emotionally abusive.

Today, we’re going to be looking at WHY fans may come to that conclusion, while also trying to look at the positive and promising sides of their relationship, in order to work out if their relationship works or not. We’ll be going through the moments where both sides have shown signs of toxicity, as well as signs of respect, trust, and love.

Also I just wanna say that this is my personal opinion, and though I am trying to fully consider all points from both sides of the argument, if you don’t agree with my overall thoughts, that’s perfectly fine. Just please keep your anti posts out of the Apritello tag where us fans can’t see them.

First we’ll be starting off With the Crusher himself, Donatello.

Let’s look at his examples of his toxic behaviour first:

He did follow her around New York in Target:April O’Neil. I may love Donnie, but I’m not going to deny that this decision was wrong, nor am I going to make excuses for him. He should have given April time to come to terms with herself, instead of following her and pushing her further over the edge. This was not a good thing to do, and while I wouldnt call it whole heartedly toxic, it was highly disrespectful of April’s space.

He tried to close up on her face when he was watching her with Metal head on the roof top. This is also highly disrespectful of April’s space, and could also be considered quote on quote ‘creepy’. There’s not much to say about this scene since it was pretty short, but all I can say is that he didn’t attempt to do it again after April called him out, though it still wasn’t respectful of him to do.

He got really jealous whenever April got remotely close to Casey, or when Casey got close to April. This is only in season 2 and maybe early 3 as far as I can see, but Donnie really didn’t do well whenever Casey was around April. He tried to pull them apart aggressively from hugging in Chinatown ghost story, and would constantly childishly fight and bicker with him for April’s attention. This is definitely an example of possessive nature, but I wouldn’t call it controlling nature as well, as he never outright insulted her or judged her for hanging out with Casey, he just bickered and fought with him.

Ok, so currently that’s all the So called toxic behaviour I can think of that was in the show, but maybe I’ll be able to find more examples that people use once I watch more of the series again.

Now, let’s move on to April’s purely Toxic behaviour in the relationship:

She stopped any chances of Donnie communicating his feelings or their relationship to him. The main example being in the invasion when she silenced his confession, while nervously saying that it just makes things hurt more. While her motivation behind this behaviour is still up for debate, I won’t deny that she should have tried to listen to what he had to say first, as well as try to communicate her own emotions better with him too. This is an example of miscommunication, and bad communication between a pair.

She would often get annoyed at him when he tried to help her or protect her, like in the Kraang conspiracy when he told he he’d protect her in the fight, and she responded with, ‘protect yourself,’ in a frustrated tone. She could have told Donnie that she didn’t need his help and that she could take care of herself politely, but she made a bad choice with her words and tone. This is an example of lashing out, without thinking of the partners feelings first. But this not completely count as emotional abuse.

She yelled at him, blaming him for losing her Crystal in Bats in the Belfry. This WAS partially caused by the fact the Crystal was controlling part of her emotions and actions, but it was still a hurtful thing to do to Donnie, who was trying to be patient with her throughout. This is an example of ungratefulness towards your partner, as well as lashing out and not considering their feelings first. Again, this is a bad thing to do either way, but I’ll have to look at her other instances in order to determine whether it’s truly emotional abuse.

(I don’t know whether her not actually outright telling either Casey or Donnie how she felt should be considered totally toxic behaviour or not, so I’m just gonna leave it as a half point for her lack of responsibility with the triangle.)

She doesn’t always appreciate him, or show her appreciation when he does something nice for her. This may be connected to number 2, in which when he would attempt to protect her or help her with something, she would sometimes respond in a stubborn and annoyed manner, not being fully appreciative of his help.

Ok, so again, this is all the so called toxic behaviour that fans usually seem to bring up while talking about The relationship, but this is also all the instances I remember her displaying in the series, but if I think of any more examples that people use I’ll add them.

(Also the claim that she may have been making mixed messages is connected to number one if you were wondering.)

Now before we move on, I just want to say something real quick. I love Apritello. Yeah it’s got it’s flaws, but I mostly blame the writers for that, and not the actual characters themselves. Hell, even with the problems I think it was pretty well written for an action show overall.

Also, I’m not trying to decipher which one of the pair had the most toxic behaviour, or who was the problem in their relationship, since both April AND Donnie have done things that I don’t agree with. I’m just trying to figure out whether the good on both sides, outweighs the bad on both sides.

So now, we’ll be looking at the pairs examples of respect/support/love/and trust.

Starting with Donnie:

When he comforted April when she was infected with the gas in Fungus Humungous, he never tried to take advantage of her fearful state, and instead just wanted to make sure she was Ok. This is an example of respect and support towards a partner, and not attempting to further your chances of being with them. Though Donnie still has his undeniable love for her (yes and at this point I’m pretty sure it passed crush territory), he is still able to treat her as a friend and comfort her without the motivation of getting with her.

When he followed April in mutagen man, though it was undeniably a bad thing to do, when April chewed him out for it and said without hesitation, ‘I never want to see you again,’ he felt guilty and remorse for it, and stopped doing it after that. He didn’t follow her again, knowing she needed space after the incident with her dad. This is what separates him from being a stalker. A true stalker would know what they’re doing is wrong, feel absolutely no remorse or guilt for it, and continue doing it even when he is told to stop. Donnie felt guilty and bad about it, even though he didn’t necessarily know what he was doing could be considered wrong, and stopped doing it. This is why he isn’t a stalker, and also shows his respect for April’s space and feelings.

When he gave April a music box in A foot too big, (yeah you knew I was gonna talk about this episode eventually) she acted uncomfortable with his forward ness, as well as the fact that he said nothing the whole time and the box was another obvious ploy to start something between them, showed by the picture of him inside, as well as the heart on the front. After living with big foot, he realised his actions were uncomfortable to her, once again felt guilty and remorse for it, and apologised to her at the end of the episode. He respected what she felt, and was willing to sacrifice his happiness for her. He stopped his behaviour after that and became more chilled and subtle with his crush. Sure he still bickers with Casey like the episode after, but I think that’s just their dynamic/relationship more than it is them fighting for April. My point is, he improved as a person because of HER.

He trusts April to make her own choices and shape her own path and goals in life. An abusive or toxic partner wouldn’t approve of your goals or chosen path, and would instead attempt to steer you away from them in order to change who you are. Donnie however supported April on becoming a kunoiche, and becoming a capable fighter like him and his brothers. He wasn’t at all threatened by her improved growth or skill, nor did he feel the need to put her down or make her weaker just to make himself feel more important. Hell, he even laughed with pure happiness when she took out Tigerclaw with that badass kick, showing that he loves what she’s become, and loves the path she’s made for herself.

He always allows HER to make the moves of affection, and never forcibly kisses her or hugs her without knowing she’s ok with it first. Again, this shows he respects her personal space as well as her wants in the relationship.

He knows when she’s gone too far, and though he does call her out on it, he still does it respectfully. Like the arc with the Aeon crystal and was acting out. He knew the Crystal was making her act that way, and wanted to help her overcome it instead of pretending that it wasn’t a problem. I have more to say on this particular point later, but I’ll wait till I find more prominent examples.

In the Gauntlet, when she broke down after her dad got captured for (I think) the second time, when she went to him for comfort, he comforted her and promised her that they’d get him back. Just like with the first example, he wasn’t trying to take advantage of her state to get with her or anything, he just wanted to be there for her, and make sure she was ok. Not as a romantic, but a friend.

He helped calm her down when she was mad at Shinigami after being beaten, telling her to not let her get to her, therefore calming her down. This is a sign of support of the others feelings and trying to make them feel better.

(This is more of a good thing on both sides as well as just something I find funny and endearing) they both bicker with one another in a banter sort of way. Remember the ‘bait doesn’t talk back’ and the ‘real kunoiche on our side?’ . He may be crushing on her, but that still doesn’t mean he’s not gonna blurt sassy facts at her and bicker with her. He still aknowledges that she has flaws, but as we’ve constantly seen, he still loves her flaws and all.

He apologised and took responsibility for his mistake with the transmitter at the end of eyes of the chimera, trying to make April feel better by even bringing her a hot beverage after the fiasco. This is a sign of looking out for the other and owning up to your mistake that may have hurt them.

Now let’s move onto April:

She apologised to Donnie personally for holding the grudge, and thanked him for sticking by her even when she was mad at him. She wasn’t thanking him for following her or anything like people may think, just thanking him for still being patient and kind with her. Also, while she was holding the grudge, she remembered what he had told her in Target, ‘some things are just beyond our control’. Which may have had a partial role in helping her come to her senses again.

She ALWAYS calls Donnie whenever she’s in trouble or in danger. I’ve seen this labelled off as codependency or her taking advantage of his feelings, but I see it much differently. In my opinion, this shows how much trust she has in him to save her, and help her whenever she needs it.

It was her memories of Donnie that helped her break the control of the Crystal. Donnie unconsciously motivated her be strong enough to defeat Za Naron and break her corruption. She broke through it, and became better, because of him.

She tried her best to get through to him TWICE in the Dream beavers episode. She was gentle and careful with him all the while (well apart from when she was slapping him to wake up, but that was when she was desperate). She was almost always seen by his side, and was close to panicking when he stopped breathing. And as soon as she found out he was Ok, she kissed him. Not for gratitude, not because she needed to make him feel better, but because she was happy he was ok.

When Donnie got injured in Monkey Brains, she told the guys off for teasing him, and was the only one to help nurse him back to health, being gentle and kind with him throughout.

She calls him out on his behaviour when she knows he’s doing something wrong. A lot of people see it as a bad thing when she tells him off for his poor decisions and behaviour, but I see it as a thing their relationship needs. A toxic relationship would most likely have both partnered not aknowledging the bad things that either one has done, and pretending it didn’t happen, or just be uncertain with telling them off. April doesn’t do this with Donnie. She aknowledges when he’s doing something bad, and call him out for it. In Target, she did t sugar coat it or stay silent about Donnie following her. She told him that he was doing something wrong, regardless of his intentions, and that he had to stop and respect that she needed to be alone right now. And like I said, he backed off and never did it again. And again, he improved, because of her.

She got mad at Casey for laughing at Donnie when he was stung badly on Dreggs planet, and was the one to help him back to the ship to be healed. When she knew he was ok, she kissed him again like in In Dreams, simply because she was happy he was Ok.

In Of rats and men, when Donnie told her that they had this covered, she responded with, ‘you always do,’ while smiling warmly, and with him smiling back. Romantic or not, this again shows the amount of respect and trust they have for each other. April instead of insisting she help or stubbornly barge back in, simply showed a sign of trust with him, knowing that had faith in him, and his brothers. This scene alone just shows the trust they have in their friendship, romantic or not, and that’s one of the things that makes them work in my opinion.

In the end of eyes of the Chimera, when Donnie apologised to April for using the transmitter on her, she wasn’t upset with him at at all. She’s said she was glad that Donnie used the transmitter on her because it allowed her to access her powers and learn to use them more. She tried to see Donnies mistake in a positive light, and appreciated him for his help nevertheless. This is an example of appreciation towards a partner, and aknowledging that their intentions are good and seeing them in a positive light instead of being disappointed with them.

For my final words, I just want to put in what the most common definition of an abusive/toxic relationship is.

In my definition, it is any relationship between people who don’t support eachother, where there’s constant conflict, and one often seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition and disrespect, and most importantly, degrade and become worse as people just by being with one another.

And as far as I can see within the examples I’ve listed, both Donnie and April support each other throughout everything bad that happens to them, any conflicts that befall them they manage to get through, and have never purposely sought to undermine or hurt the other.

I want you to look at that last sentence again, and ask yourself: did April and Donnie grow as people or become better with overcoming their problems by being with one another? Because in my opinion, that’s how you really separate a toxic relationship from a good one.

So as for the question, are Donnie and April toxic or healthy?

Well, in my opinion, they DO work together, and their relationship is NOT abusive or toxic in any way shape or form. Both Donnie and April, though they had their flaws in the beginning, unconsciously and consciously helped eachother become better versions of themselves by being there for eachother throughout the series, as I have illustrated with the majority of my points.

And that my friends, is pretty damn FAR from abusive. In fact, that’s pretty much the complete OPPOSITE of abusive.

[fallen029]

Beginning of the central plot for the next part of OpB. Almost finished with everything as whole, just feel bad that it’s been a few months, so here’s this if you want it. 

Joya was a proud, but small nation that Haven had only heard of in passing and Locke knew very little about. But, same as all nations, its port cities seemed to be the same as else where. Docks and shops and people milling about. It was easy to sneak into the country without going through any proper channel when it was exiting off a known boat with steady and shady connections.

Jed was silent for once, completely, even as they were still somewhat out from the shore. Just the lights of his home country, something he’d never thought he’d glimpse again, was enough for him to bow his head in silence.

The others left him alone to his thoughts.

There was no ploy or pretending as they left the boat. Carrying of crates or anything like that. Just one of the guys Haven knew calling out to her, remarking that they had three days; the evening of that last day, he was pulling out of Joya and they could either find themselves there or left behind.

“We should give him a few minutes,�� Locke muttered to the women as, once they were on the docks, Jed stumbled off in a bit of a daze while the three of them hung back. “And figure out where we’re headed first.”

“Three days?” Shae snorted, glancing over at Locke. “We won’t have enough time to go both places.”

“We’ll split up then,” Haven suggested. “Two people go one way, two go the other. We meet up back here. I’ll go with Jed, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Shae retorted as the blonde only ignored her.

“And you and Shae,” she went on, “go get that woman or whatever, Locke.”

“Will you actually get back here in time?” he questioned. “And not get yourself into any trouble? This is a tight timeline. Splitting up makes it even more-”

“I actually probably feel better about not showing up at her house with four people,” Shae offered with a bit of a shrug. “And it shouldn’t take me long to just….ask. That’s all I gotta do. You know? Ask a question. Just ask. And then-”

“Jed and I’ll probably have more fun than you guys anywyas,” Haven remarked over the other woman.

“Yeah,” Locke retorted with a frown. “Taking an emotionally shattered man to his deceased father’s home sounds like a walk in the park.”

She stopped short suddenly, Haven did, causing someone walking behind them to nearly bump into her. As that person grumbled at the woman though, she only frowned ahead at Locke and Shae.

“Wait, I wanna switch,” she insisted then. “Locke. You go do that.”

“Nope?”

“What?”

“No.”

“Locke-”

“You wanted to bring him, Haven. And you kept insisting that he’s your friend, so-”

“Shae’s my friend too,” the blonde insisted. But when she tried to toss her arm around the other woman’s shoulders, she was only shoved off. “Shae-”

“Yeah, no,” Shae retorted simply.

“Then...Locke come with me and Jed! Don’t be a creeper, crashing Shae’s reunion with her girlfriend.”

“Haven,” the man finally sighed, exasperated some. “You knew that he was going there for that reason. Why are you acting like this about it now?”

“Because I didn’t think of it the way that you said.” And she hadn’t. At all. Jed, up to this point, had mostly been someone she spwed her views onto. The idea of him potentially requiring her comfort was terrifying and she knew with certainty would only result in her screwing it up. “So really, it’s your fault and you should have to go with him.”

“Just think about whatever you were thinking about before I put the thoughts into yoru head.”

“I can’t! I wasn’t thinking anything then!”

The man nodded down at her. “I believe that.”

“You’re better at this shit than me, Locke,” she insisted then, trying her best to sound pathetic. On Haven, it just felt flat and empty. “You go with him, okay? And me and Shae-”

“No.” The other woman couldn’t give Haven a chance to sway her boyfriend. She’d see the two of them interact enough the past few months to know that, soon enough, the convincing would be complete. “You can’t switch.”

“Why not?” Haven frowned at the other woman then and they’d all stopped walking, at the end of a street corner, standing around staring at one another. “You think that I can’t help you with this one? I conned Locke’s ass into getting back with me whenever I wanted.”

“I happened to be in between people every single time you- Shut up, Haven,” he complained some with a frown while Haven only shrugged some at the other woman.

“If you want help in this,” the blonde kept up, “then you should pick me to go with you.”

Shae rolled her eyes before looking off, back out at the water. To Haven she remarked simply, “Hard pass.”

“Sorry, Have,” Locke snickered as his girlfriend glared up at him. “Looks like you and your best friend are gonna go have some heartfelt moments together. A new type of adventure for you, yeah?”

They couldn’t take much longer out of their already short schedule for arguing the inevitable. Jed returned to them eventually, a bit misty eyed, but alright otherwise, and they all had one last meal together before splitting up. Shae and Locke would be taking a train one way while Haven and Jed merely had a day or so’s walk.

“Don’t get into too much trouble, okay?” Locke insisted to Haven as he hugged her goodbye. The woman was stiff in his grasp, angry over him not allowing her off easy for once, but that was fine for the man. Rigid described Haven in a lot of ways, honestly. “I know new places make it difficult for you to control yourself.”

“Number one,” Haven carped, “I’m always in control. Always.” As he released her, she only took a step closer, whispering the next part only to the man, “Number two, I’m going with someone to his dead father’s abandoned place. For your benefit. So shut the fuck up, Locke. Idiot.”

He smiled though, reaching out to pat the woman on the top of her head, replying simply, “I love you too, Haven.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Come on.” Shae glared over at the two of them. “Locke. We have to go.”

“Safe travels to the two of you as well,” Jed was sure to bid the both of them farewell. “I hope to see you in better spirits when we meet again, Shae.”

No matter how things went, somehow the woman doubted that.

Locke kissed Haven before tapping her on the head and following after the departing Shae. The train was boarding and they were gone, just like that, and Haven didn’t wait to see it leave the station. Rather, she snorted a bit, at nothing really, before turning on her heel to start on her own journey.

“There should be a lot tension on our side of things, I imagine,” Jed offered Haven once they were back on the road. “Don’t you as well? Haven?”

The woman was  actually in the process of glancing over a map with a confused stare. Locke had given it to her after purchasing their train tickets and even ran a finger over a certain path. She’d been more concerned with being cold towards the man then, to commit it to memory, and now she wasn’t sure of where they were headed. The blonde could be, at times, a bit directionally impaired.

When he noted her distraction, Jed merely reached over to lay a hand on her shoulder. After garnering the woman’s gaze, he said simply, “I’ll get us there. I’ve been to this port many times in my youth. It is not a far distance.”

It was hard for her to disagree as, no matter how far she’d been in Fiore, she too seemed to always know her way back to Magnolia and its surrounding areas.

She imagined Locke’s trip with Shae to be a lot quieter than her own and almost envied it. Almost. She knew, deep down, that she was not the person to be helping Shae through whatever relationship woes she was going through. Of course she knew. But that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t rather be there, either sulking about being reprimanded by Locke for an inappropriate tone or question or smoldering over something the other woman had retorted. Now she was left to make the inappropriate remarks alone and, hopefully, police herself on the issue.

Being sympathetic had never been one of her strong suits. Empathetic either.

So she tried to keep the conversations steered towards other things. Jed was an easy person to have a conversation with, Haven had always found, and he seemed rather amused with her shortcomings rather than off put by them.

“You know,” he’d told her once, back at base, when they were doing rounds and she just got finished drifting from telling him about a job she took once and into how incompetent both Ravan and Locke were on it, “you’re very vivacious. In a certain kind of way.”

“Oh yeah?” And she was guarded, that evening, on edge of not only patrol, but also riding down a high from absolutely berating Locke and Ravan, fictionally, in her mind. “What’s that mean, anyways?”

“Vivacious?” The man shook his head. “Like...effervescence.”

“If you’re trying to make me feel stupid-”

“It means that you’re excitable. Enthusiastic.” He laughed at her souring expression. “It’s a good thing. Usually. But I think that your motivations and goals sometimes...make it rub people the wrong way. It can be off-putting. But I like it. You remind me of people I knew, when I was your age. Lively. Excited about what was to come.”

Haven found that she liked him for the opposite reason. She typically found herself drawn to people who were either as vicious as herself or were starch against it, who she would then butt heads with. Most everyone in her life seemed to fit in those categories, some even sliding between them, but Jed reminded her of something from her past as well.

His meekness and content being felt a lot like her sister, who was always the first to listen to Haven’s fantastical tales and, these days at least, seemed pleased to hear most of them. Jed’s aura felt equal to Marin’s, in a low-key way, and she took comfort in him hanging around.

Being her friend.

Haven didn’t have a lot of those. Most people she’d formed some semblance of one with were merely there for usage, on her part or theirs. Jed might’ve been the only person she had at the moment, outside of Xay, who enjoyed her presence.

So he listened, talking idly with her as they hiked together, taking rests for the man in spots, conversation mainly centered on the woman. As was the standard. She spoke some on former jobs and Jed laughed in places, shook his head in concern in others, but was overall impressed with most things she had to say. Having grown up literally in the bar most of the time, she’d long learned the art of a tall tale and, there with a rapt audience, she gave way to her most braggadocios, slanted and one-sided versions of events she could muster.

For someone who hadn’t grown up around mages much, Jed found them to be more like comic adventures he’d spent his childhood reading, only drawn out and less plot thoughtful, in the way life truly was, rather than concise and consistent. Haven had a knack for losing interest, in the middle fo tales, when it got too difficult to spin it in her favor, and they would just be transported, it felt like, straight to the next battle scene where she could shove her prowess off on someone who knew nothing of such feats.

Everyone in her life was a caricature of their actual selves, as it related to Haven, and it all felt so magical and distant, even from her own perspective. Maybe that was why, after being exposed to this for a number of weeks, that Jed felt so bold as to ask a question, make a request almost, for a story, as they took a breather on the side of a path. Haven was knocking back some water while he sat, on a stone, catching his breath some.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Haven hardly even shrugged, glancing over at the man in anticipation.

He smiled some, Jed did, in a curious way, pondering aloud almost as he asked, “Why is it that you and your father don’t get along?”

She choked a bit, on the water, even making a face at the mention of the man.

“Laxus?” She snorted. “I was just saying that he was pissy about how Ravan and I handled the job. That’s all.”

“No, I understood the story,” he assured the blonde. “I couldn’t imagine I would like it much either, if I had a child who was constantly taking such risk-”

“It’s not that.” And she snorted again, feeling weird now as she moved to take another, smoother, sip from her canteen. Taking in a breath after, she said, “He’s not...worried about me. He never was. That wasn’t the point.”

“The point?”

“Of...him. And how we are.” She frowned. “He was drunk. A lot. When I was a teen. And jealous that I was primed to be a better mage than him. Or something. I don’t know. He probably doesn’t even know. He’s a drunk asshole. I mean he was. Then. It’s different now. The drinking part. But he’s still an asshole.”

Jed was silent for a moment, making sure the woman had finished speaking before offering simply, “I’m sure he was.”

“Of course he was.”

“My father could be...pushy and distant as well. When I was growing up.” He got to his feet, pulling his pack onto his back once more. “Strangely, though, when I think back on our interactions, they don’t seem nearly as harsh as I remember feeling them in the time. I suppose our mind, our memories, paint things the second they’re absorbed. It’s why you can never take someone fully on their word, hm?”

She’d been duped. By the man. Knowingly or not, he’d walked her into the topic she was hoping to avoid.

“I’m not a liar,” Haven defended, momentarily confused by his approach, but Jed only shook his head.

“I know,” he agreed. “That is how you view your interactions with your father. It is the truth. I guess I mean to imply, how different it might be, to address them ten years from now, as I am with my own father. When I was your age, I ran off as well. With my own ideas and morals. It’s the way it has to be, for some of us. You either become your parent or you become the polar opposite. Conform or run away. Believe it or not, I did my fair share of both. Before he died.”

His voice fell off here and Haven felt something, the natural urge to not only know more, but to also just further the conversation. It was futile to fight it, as she’d known, the second she realized she was stuck in this fruitless misadventure.

So she tired to think like Locke. Instead. Because he was never nervous about speaking to others, even in such dramatic situations, and it got her out of a lot of sticky situations. Shutting up was usually best and letting Locke take over, in these parts of things, but to have to become him, almost…

“How long ago was it?” she whispered softly as they’d become to walk again, at Jed’s pace, and he smiled over at the woman when she questioned this.

“Four years,” he replied with a soft nod of his head. “I just turned thirty-one and he’d sent me a card, in the mail, that I didn’t wish to open just yet. Our last correspondence hadn’t been pleasant and I just...shoved it aside. I would deal with it later. But, a few days came to pass and I hadn’t. Then another letter came. Not from him, but from our home town, and I… Knew. Somehow, I just knew. He hadn’t been sick. I even opened the card he sent and it made no mention of feeling unwell. So how did I know then? Before I even read the words? That he had… How do you feel those sorts of things?”

Staring over at the man, Haven’s first reaction was to respond with something from her own life. Her own feelings on the matter. But she was able to bite it back, thinking to Locke instead, and finding it in herself to ask, “How did he die?”

“It’s the strangest thing.” Jed even laughed a bit. “Healthiest man you’d ever seen for his age. Dead. Just dropped, one day, in his lab. His assistant found him and it was an entire madhouse, at first, but turns out he had a heart attack. Cardiac arrest. Just like that.” And he snapped, Jed did, with a shake of his head. “Everything can change, just like that.”

Haven didn’t like this assessment of death, especially given it had never been how she’d rightly viewed it. You died in the heat of battle or as a decrepit old shell of your former self, left over after all the other battles were complete.

There was no in between.

She understood, of course, at the core of the idea, that yes, people did die of unforeseen causes. They might get sick or hit by a carriage. Maybe they drank themselves to death or even tripped and hit their head too hard. They could be murdered in the heat of a robbery or even in just a lovers quarrel gone wrong.

But those weren’t the kinds of deaths that she foresaw for herself or any of the friends she had.

You died fighting.

Always.

She’d died fighting.

The idea of not even having a chance at wading off your whatever brought about your death was somehow more terrifying than the idea itself and she pictured losing her father that way. Her parents. Just in the blink of the eye. No one to be angry at, no way to avenge them. Everything can change.

Just like that.

“His home is a bit remote though,” Jed was going on while Haven had fallen into silence. “I had to lug all of his belongings back from the lab, to his cabin, following his death. I stayed there for two weeks following his death, not sure what I was going to do with the place, and then I left. For the coast. To clear my head. And I never rightly returned. I hope to find all of his papers still in order, but-”

“How were you taken, then?”

“Hm?”

“To Ewings? Or wherever you passed through first?”

These were the kinds of questions, Haven realized, Locke would have reprimanded her for and avoided himself. While the events of the summer just felt like a big, long job for Haven, they were attached to trauma for others and she saw it then, as Jed paused, momentarily, bringing his wrist up to his face and rubbing at it, right where his marking would have lied.

“I was one of the foolish ones, I suppose.” Sighing, he continued on, walking a bit faster now, as he thought back on the time. “Fell in love with the wrong woman. I...did something wrong, to her, and she sought revenge on me.”

“What did you do to her?” Haven whispered softly before, realizing the implication, adding, “And how did she get you sent to Bosco?”

“I cheated on her. With another woman.” Jed glanced back and down at her. “Her brother ran a ring out of Joya and into Bosco. I had no idea about this, of course, but…”

“So she fucking sold you to the wolves?”

“She was a rather...volatile woman.” He looked uneasy as he turned his gaze back onto the pathway before them. “In a good kind of way, when we were happy. But when we weren’t-”

“I’m volatile,” Haven intervened and Jed made no motion to deny this fact, merely nodded his head. Going on, the woman insisted, “But I would never do something like that. That’s evil.”

“Then you’re just volatile,” Jed offered her. “Not evil.”

“Yeah, but-”

“We don’t have much further,” he changed the subject as he glanced around what lay before them. “We won’t need to go into the actual town, but rather hit a small, hidden path right before the one that breaks off into the city. We can spend some time at the cabin, look things over, and then go into the city for a meal. What we need is either there or not. I suppose that will make things rather boring, on your end, hm? Shae and Locke have a much more interesting journey.”

“Maybe,” Haven replied softly, but she was thinking beyond the cabin now, beyond Locke’s stupid papers that she wasn’t even certain he needed nor wanted. And towards something else. “But maybe not.”

Locke would have sworn he felt it, the second a bad idea popped into his girlfriend’s mind, and he groaned, loudly, as he sat across from Shae on the long train ride they were stuck with. She hardly noted it though, continuing to glare out the window as she thought about what was awaiting them.

“Maybe,” Locke had offered more than once, “she’ll be happy to see you.”

“Maybe,” Shae agreed softly, but much like Haven, she was leaning a lot more towards the not.

[maldaptivedaydreamer]

Strange Addictions- M.Y.G (1)

Pairings: Yoongi/Reader, Taehyung/Reader

Type: Gang/Drug Dealer AU?! BTS RUN ERA!

Genre: Angst,Crime, Slow Burn??, Eventual Smut

Warnings: Strong Language, Mentions of death, stuff you expect from this genre really.

Word count: around 2k.

Preface:

Y/N was an incredibly smart and innocent young girl. Her eyes sparkled like the stars and she was the very definition of charming and youth. So when she finally moved to the same city as her older brother, the summer before UNi began, it was no wonder how close she became to his troubled friend Taehyung. She was loving life but soon money got tight; what with preparing for school and such. So while exploring her soon to be new campus, she was tipped off by a student about a part time job delivering pizzas. How awesome! Her coworker is aloof but attractive and slightly older than her. But when he warms up to her, and with the permission of the boss, he promises to look out for her and teach her what he knows. She gets far more than she bargained for and soon it’s too late for her to turn around. But with him she didn’t care. At least for awhile. But nothing good ever lasts in this city and soon everything has fallen apart and Yoongi and Tae are no where to be found. Forced to take Yoongis place, she is now ruthless and hardened after all this time. Best in her business now really. But at night the girl she used to be slips out now and then. It’s his fault but she can’t let him go.

I thought I knew fear. True deep fear. Up until now fear was a spectrum of emotions spun into one. Constantly shifting and almost undeterminable. A force of its own demanding to be felt. I thought I knew sorrow. Promises un-kept and missed opportunities soon to be forgotten within the passing of time. All holding respective lessons to be learned. Stepping stones of self-discovery and growth. Necessary. Accepted.

My world has always been vibrant and moving. When change did not come, I made it myself. Finding simple pleasures in the world around me. My eyes were always set on the far horizons of “What Could Be” or far behind in “What Had Been”. My life, in my eyes, was a blank canvas and I wanted to capture the essence of life itself in that one painting. With that goal in mind, the come and go of people in my life didn’t matter as much. They had their own paths to follow.

But over the course of a year or so it seems any and all essence of life has been drained from me. The unforgiving city took all I had to give with little regard. Tainted innocence. People acting similarly. And soon I was no better. Following the crowds mindlessly during the day and running the streets at night. My eyes were sunken and exhausted from the lack of sleep I had been getting but I couldn’t stop. After all: There Ain’t No Risk For The Wicked. And dealers don’t get sick days.

Today was an average day with equally average weather. Grey skies reflected off grey pavements as soft chill blew through unevenly.

I work part time as a pizza delivery driver complete with the dorkiest scooter and helmet combo. A job I once eagerly came into back when he still worked here. But that was months ago. But business as usual with customers getting their fix and a side of pizza. I can’t help but crack up at the set up every now and then. “Yes can I get a large pepperoni with extra spice? ”

The phrase (spice) was inconspicuous enough that if anyone overheard they would be none the wiser. But the owner and anyone he trusted to work under him knew. And because I had “such a unsuspecting and adorable face” he immediately took me under his wing. Well not after a few so called tests of corse. At first they were frightening when I had no idea who I was working for let alone with.

But Yoongi. Yoongi always made sure we came home safe to the Old Man. He used to anyways. Jealousy and spite are poisonous things.

I was running a delivery to a regular today though. Triple spice with extra dust for one Seok. His full name was Hoseok but for the sake of orders he only ever went by Seok. Although when I first met him he insisted I call him Hope. He had the brightest smile that could outshine any star and a laugh like a dream. I fell for him a bit that day but in more of a childish school girl way. I felt guilty when I first began delivering him more than just pizza. When I thought we were friends. Now it’s just business.

Rounding the corner past the dry cleaners and laundromat I pulled over and parked the scooter on the curb. He lived in the apartments above the mainstream businesses and I had a few other customers on this same road. Some days I’d make 8 deliveries at once. Ha! Heading up the creaky stairs, covered in carpet at least 30 years old, I nearly tripped over the one collapsed spot.

“Pfft you would think after nearly two years you would remember to not step there” spoke a familiar yet raspy voice.

“Yea well after two years you would think your bastard slum lord would’ve fixed it” I grumbled meeting eyes with Seok who draped himself almost casually against his door frame waiting for me to close the distance.

“You got my money Seok?”

“I really wish you wouldn’t call me that when it’s just us you know” he chided but nonetheless pulls out the required bills and passes them to me under the pizza box as we trade off. I don’t have to bother counting them here though. He was many things but he was reliable when it came to this.

“You wanna come in and share this with me? You look tired y/n. You should come in and relax?”

“Seok..”

“Y/n.”

“Hhrrrg Hobes I am not doing this today. Why don’t you call up Jimin? I’m sure he would be thrilled.”

“Aish he’s not answering. Hung up on another girl”

“Hmmm maybe you should try that sometime. Maybe not a relationship but just get laid or something.” I raised my eyebrows at this pointedly. But he just smirked.

“Well if you’re offering..”

“Goodbye Seok!” Rolling my eyes, as he sighed and shut the door behind me, I went back down the stairs avoiding the dip at the top this time. Someones gonna bust a knee cap on that bullshit one of these days.

The familiar hum of the bike underneath made it easier to remember the girl I had been before. Sometimes I would even ride it by the river and pretend I was a normal Uni girl again. Before I had dropped out and everything spun wildly out of control.

Jin insisted one day we would bring mom and dad out and have a cheesy family picnic together. I laughed then at how silly it sounded but….I would trade everything in the world to have that now.

I haven’t spoken to my parents since his passing. Truthfully he’s the reason I can no longer sleep. His death plagued my nights and almost my days until I finally killed off all my feelings.

Well almost. There are still nights where my throat is raw and my body is ravaged and racked with sputtering tears and silent wails. I can’t cry to loud so I have to choke the sobs down usually which leads to me getting sick half the time. Beats noise complaints I guess.

“WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING!!”

“Oh shit!”

I grabbed the breaks and yanked my steering towards the left until I was completely clear of the asshole that decides to step out into the road. Hard dirt and gutter water splattered all over me once I made contact with the ground. The bike crushing my legs in a weird twisted mess. But seemingly no broken limbs at least. Now who the fu-

“Yo y/l/n did you not fucking see me?”

Tae? What is he doing back in the city?

“Are you listening to me?”He gestured angrily but all I could do was stare blankly and blink as I picked up my bike.

“*under his breath and exasperated* This crazy bitch who does she think she is?”

“Pfft not your bitch for sure. Also speak up if you’re gonna go talkin shit.”

“Oh that’s rich coming from you.”

“I sure hope it is. And where the fuck have you been exactly? Seok and Jimin said they haven’t heard from you in nearly two months?”

“I’ve been working and taking care of my family. Some of us have to make a more modest living than others to make ends meet” he narrowed his eyes as he finished his sentence.

Easy to say that Tae has not, and never will be, a customer of The Old Man. He didn’t know about the whole operation until what happened with my older brother. In fact we had all been close when I first moved here.

“I don’t have time for this.” I stood planning to leave before a thought occurred to me; “How’s your mother by the way? Is she..ya know... ok?”His eyes darkened but he shifted his stance and his gaze to the side. Like he was trying to keep himself together.

“I’m with her so she’s fine”

“You know that’s not what I mean-“

“It’s none of your fucking business y/l/n” Again I blinked, turning to start the bike and climbing on; not bothering to wipe the dirt off my body or face.

“Whatever”

He bristled. “You know this life is not what he wanted for you-“ he begins lowly, looking back up to meet my eyes.

“Yea well to quote yourself: it’s none of your fucking business Tae” and with a sardonic smile I sped off back to the shop where more deliveries were to be made.

Just an ordinary day. Sure.

[dr-gloom]

Selfishness Vs. Selflessness Analysis (Pt. 4/4)

“It seems your moral compass is pointed south, towards hell!” (while on the surface this is totally a cheesy-villain-esque jab, Deceit is verbally pointing out the flaw in Patton’s methods for getting his way and making decisions thus-far. Pointing out how he was treated for basically the same thing was both to drive in the point further and show that he isn’t as bad as they think he is.)

“Will you let Patton make his case!” (Deceit has been giving Patton equal opportunity to make a valid case. The problem is that outside of his own feelings and values, Patton doesn’t have a case. This is frustrating, confusing, and scary to both Virgil and Patton, but Virgil is the only one who’s aggressive enough to say something about it. When this is followed by Patton’s.... “compliment” and Virgil’s disbelieving look, you can really see that he’s realizing that Patton realistically has no way of winning. Virgil needs to know things will work out, that he’s making the right choice. How can he if Patton can’t even tell him why it’s the right choice?)

“I don’t know what’s true at this point, I just know what I want to be true!” (This is vital. This is Patton himself admitting that his arguments, his ideas and decisions, are based on opinion rather than fact. He’s admitting that his line of thinking has flaws, and can’t always win. For the others to hear this from Patton themselves is so important in being able to take him off the pedestal they put him on and take their own agency.)

The interaction between Deceit and Virgil following this, where Deceit alludes to a secret Virgil is keeping. (I’ve seen a lot of theories on what that secret is, but I’m not gonna go into which one I believe. Virgil is obviously desperate to keep it hidden. It shows Thomas’ reaction too, how he looks concerned but curious, so we know this will be revisited and revealed in a future episode. This could also be a way for Deceit to distract Virgil with his own inner anxieties so he can’t raise any more of a fuss against Deceit while he’s trying to make a point. Why else make this pointless display?)

Deceit’s reaction to Patton getting excited over Virgil’s answer (We have to remember that while Patton is trying to prove that Thomas is a good person and isn’t selfish, Deceit’s goal is to show that they all put too much stake in Patton and that Thomas doesn’t take care of himself enough. So while it is commendable that Patton sort of found a way to bring his argument into a logic-driven setting, it’s completely pointless to the overall scenario)

Roman on the witness stand (just like with Logan, Deceit is using this chance to show Thomas that he isn’t listening to anyone but Patton and it’s harmful to his sides and himself. Roman is talking about how he wants to help Thomas achieve his goals but things keep popping up and you can see Thomas glance guiltily at Patton, because those “more important things” are more than likely social obligations Patton weedled him into. You definitely see this later at the end when Roman gives his broken “Do I...” and Patton’s is more happy.)

The Compromise (While Deceit is Breakin It Down, you can see Patton getting curious, leaning in to listen, checking that Thomas is also into it. He’s already admitted that he’s floundering here, and Deceit is providing the first solid advice he’s heard all day. So why not listen? I’d also like to add that I’m disappointed they didn’t come up with a better solution because there’s at least two; 1) be honest with why you’re skipping. Your friends know your career path and most likely wouldn’t hold it against you. 2) go to part of the wedding, then the callback. hell if you have time, i bet you could even go back to the wedding too!)

I just wanna comment I’m proud of Roman for standing up for his views and making Patton move on okay? Okay.

Deceit’s monologue on Society(tm) (Here’s where we get the giant glimpse into Deceit’s motives, what makes him the way he is and why he does what he does. He’s scared for Thomas, especially since he is so intimate with the darkest part(s) of humanity. There was an amazing analysis I read earlier of this monologue that basically said something like “He wants to create a safety net for Thomas, but doesn’t create one for himself”. Meaning he helps Thomas feel safe by telling him little lies, steering him to act in a way that keeps him safe, but he doesn’t do that for himself because if he did he wouldn’t know what Thomas needs to avoid and be protected from.)

“If Thomas wanted to be seen as a good friend more than he wanted the role of a lifetime, well then I’m all for that.” (On one hand, he’s basically telling Patton “We both know what he really wants. I’m just defending him, rather than pushing him to fit my agenda”. He’s also admitting that his purpose isn’t malicious like everyone treats it; he’s just acting in Thomas’ best interests.)

Patton cross-examining himself (could have been Thomas & Co. trying to lighten the mood, or it could be another classic Patton Deflection to distract the others from Deceit’s argument.)

Deceit snapping at the end. (He’s not angry that they once again foiled his plot, he’s angry that once again the light sides are prioritizing others over Thomas. Thomas could have easily explained the situation to his friends if they were really concerned about the “deceitful means”, but they took the easy way out and decided to railroad Thomas’ wants and desires for the sake of his friends’. They know he’ll be miserable, he’s said as much, and yet they’ve ignored it anyways. And Thomas just decides to go with it instead of being true to himself and caring about himself for once. They missed the lesson he was trying to teach, all because they couldn’t get past their views of him and only saw this as some master plot.)

Patton’s “Do I!” Versus Roman’s more subdued “Do I.” (Patton always gets what he wants. Roman? Rarely. Patton is used to it, he doesn’t have to work to be happy because no one fights him ((for very long, at least)) and this is the whole issue. Since the sides haven’t absorbed Deceit’s lesson, we can now see the groundwork for a division between them where the others will eventually get sick of being pushed aside for Patton’s sake.)

I think Thomas excusing Patton’s behavior with “you wanted me to do the right thing” is a big mistake, but that’s my personal opinion. (the ends don’t justify the means, Patton)

Overall, this episode managed to expertly veil an important lesson taught by a “villain” with a blunt and larger-than-life effort to portray “good vs. evil” (in this case: thomas being a “good” person or a selfish person) and idk if it was intentional or not, but I desperately hope a future episode comes back to this lesson and gives it the airtime it deserves

[buildingrelationshipsinanarchy]

On Lao Tzu, Longboards, & Love.

I think my most satisfactory lifestyle regarding RA/Polyamory would be to cultivate multiple BFWBs. My favorite part of relating is intimate platonicy. The ability to meet someone as they are, retain my identity, retain my right to my personality/individuality and desires that exist as separate from this person and relationship, are extremely important to me. Alongside this, I desire authenticity and an organic development. That means we become what we become, as we become it. The presumption being that we are communicating clearly and consistently, that we are vocalizing our desires and identities, that we are open to new experiences with the other, that we are active participants in our joy together. In Taoism, the concept 'wuwei' refers to the idea of something coming into its completion through non-action. Last night, a friend of mine drove me home explaining to me her new 'situationship'. She grappled with her long story of their connection over the last several months and how complex and contradictory it's all been. And how's she arrived at this space with him. How it's a bit less serious or intentional than former relationships or how others may perceive it as less valid due to its ambiguity. But how also the ambiguity was the best part, her expressing the lack of labeling giving the ability for herself, and the relationship, to breathe. Her life isn't derailed by his presence, in fact, her human experience is deepened by his laughter, vulnerability, strength, and his willingness to grow into himself and his potential. She emphasizes how precious resources like time, energy, attention, focus are toward her goals and what she wants to accomplish for herself, and she chooses intentionally and enthusiastically to spend some of those precious resources on/for/with him.

I resonated with her simplistic joy and her sense of confident comfort in this complex, uncharted (for her) space. I told her these relationships are the most organic, the deepest, the most sustainable. Whether sex or romance emerge or whither, the foundation and intimate dynamic allow the transitions that happen sooner or later to be smoother, more natural, less complicated and frustrating. Her relationship is bits alternative to traditional mono-normative relationship traditions/expectations, as her friends remind her too often she says. They try to get her to want and make him find a label; to hit him with that, "what are we...?" She is uninterested though, in asking or defining it herself, she feels more secure here; this approach more process, less result, more intuition, less externally imposed structure. My instincts relate this to longboarding. When you are bombing a hill, moving 30+ mph, the most important thing is to find your stance. It requires you to find your footing, plant yourself, and yet remain light enough to be responsive to steer and maneuver through the changing environment. This equates to balance. Deepening the metaphor, when your footing or stance is weak, the board becomes unstable, and speed wobbles occur; where the board shifts awkwardly and poorly underneath your feet, sometimes attempting to buck you off, being unable to handle wind resistance smoothly at the speed in which you're moving. Finding your stance removes the wobbles, representing how whether in high speed situations, or in intimate involvement, it is a process of feeling out what feels natural, comfortable & confident, and (my favorite word) organic. It turns what could be a trip full of anxiety or even injury, into a cruise that feels like bliss, with the sun kissing your skin, hair in the breeze. It is this intuitive process, and over time progress, that I see Wuwei resonate here. To arrive where you are. To accomplish without effort, to relax into completion. This is some of my imagery when I talk about love and relationships. This process of relaxation developing a trustworthy, intuitive internal compass. Something we can rely on when the situations before us and the advice around us do not have clear, easy, simplistic answers. When they require reflection, embodiment, patience with ourselves, with others, with the situation. Over time, this process takes less effort, brings us deeper insight and understanding, and allows for richer experiences and a sense of affectionate self-discipline. To arrive at relationships that add meaning and bring value to my life and human experience, without high amounts of sustained turbulence, without needing to control or impact the gentle process that is unfolding. The fear, anxiety and desperation for a sense of clarity, or bending toward pre-established traditions and expectations just to avoid feeling a vague discomfort are akin to GMOs in our desire for healthy, nutritious, organic connection. They allow ease, but they rob us of nourishment and possibly harm us and the connection down the road.

While I'm don't mind labels when they are accurate and enhance my connections, they don't always. My friend was able to see that, opting toward the path of less anxiety, being able to arrive at the joy she's experiencing more fully, and allowing it to flourish, whatever that looks like, whatever direction it takes. Deeper than purely having a lover, she sounds like she's encountered a real friend, a bestfriend. To me, this is the desire. To love how I can't breathe through my nose because we're fucking laughing too hard. When's the last time you got to bust a gut over some meme? I want to write you letters about the things that keep turning themselves in my mind when I should be sleeping. Tell you about my upcoming trip to Portland and how overly excited I am to travel for the first time on my own. I wanna write poetry about what inspires me, and you not need it to be about you. To leave without feeling like I'm gone. To come back with stories and more inside joke materials. To fall in love with a friend of mine, and you tell me how cute and lame I fucking get when she's around. To watch Netflix with me; To call me Daddy when Netflix turns to chillin' in the middle of this of kinda-not-really-date thing we're on. To buy my dinner. To receive the food I made because I brag too much about being able to cook good. To call me on my shit. To be patient with me when I ain't trying to here that shit. To still be my friend when I'm self absorbed and probably infuriating at the moment. To grow alongside me. To watch YouTube vegan meal prep ideas with me and geek about minimalism because I'm lame. To order food for me because I gotta shit right quick. To make margaritas with me and gossip. To tell me to leave you alone, and you just need some space for yourself. To get on my fucking nerves in a way I love; or can't fucking stand. To just be here with me. I can't really see the appeal of anything else. I want a friend, multiple friends, to share connections like these with. To fall over myself about how fucking cool I think y'all are, how I'm still super happy y'all wanna be friends, how fire your music taste is. Ain't this the dream?

[swan-archive]

you: so, swan, wanna explain to the class why you haven’t filled 90% of those prompts your kind and delightful followers sent you?

me: :)

you: oh no

me:

--

Trust Burr, Herc thinks sourly, nursing his beer, to ghost on you right when you thought he was about to commit to something for once in his life.

He’s not really sure what he expected, honestly; it’d taken weeks to get him to agree to a meeting, just to talk about the idea of having him try and make connections with some of the British higher-ups, not even to agree on a course of action. Herc would’ve liked to scrap the whole idea ages ago, but names have power and unfortunately, even the British have some folks on their side who know better than to run their mouths around the good-natured, unthreatening help. Would’ve been worth trying that reserve against Burr’s upper-class mannerisms and modish style, but—well, no point in fussing about that now. A more hopeful man might say to himself, give it another quarter of an hour, perhaps he’s been delayed, perhaps he’s just being cautious, perhaps he doesn’t know if he can trust you yet, you know how that is.

Herc is a pragmatist. It’s been two hours since they said they’d meet. Caution has a place in these dangerous times, but at a certain point it tips over into pure foolishness, and Herc’s already got his fair share of fools knocking around.

He knocks back the rest of his drink and pushes his chair back just as some sort of disturbance erupts at the corner of the bar. He winces. Yeah, he’s getting too old for this shit. He can remember a time when he’d’ve thrown in on one side or the other, completely at random, just for the hell of it, but he can leave those kinds of shenanigans to Laurens or one of his fellow hotheads now.

Beth would laugh at him for that. Would say you’re not even old, Hercules, quit being such a grouch, and boy, that’s how he really knows he’s a grown-up, because the thought of going home and crawling into bed with her sounds like the best thing in the world right now, fuck Burr, fuck the Sons of Liberty, fuck a bar fight. God, he loves his wife.

He’s fighting his way over to the door when he catches a flash of oxblood red in the thick of it, over by the bar. Familiar shade. Burr with a new coat, adjusting his cuffs and making polite non-statements as Herc had tried to pin down a time to meet with him privately. So he bothered to show up after all, then.

Herc groans a little bit internally. Really all he wants right now is to go home, but Burr’s right there and it’d be a waste of an evening and god only knows if the man would be coerced into another meeting if Herc failed to make this one. Damn it. Herc turns around and starts pushing his way toward the oxblood coat. If it turns out that Burr has been here the whole time, Herc is gonna pummel him, vital espionage or not. Best not to make that obvious, though, so he hitches up his ruffian’s grin as he draws closer.

“About time, Burr, thought you weaseled out on me!” he says loudly, throwing out a hand to catch him by the arm—

The young man he’s grabbed spins around, stares at Herc from behind an untidy fall of black hair. Very obviously not Burr. Oops. Herc drops him, and he jerks back against the bar, baring his teeth like an angry dog.

“What do you want?” he snaps, rather shrilly.

Herc’s about to tell him to step off, kid, I just thought you were someone else, no need to get all excited, but the bartender’s noticed them talking. “Friend of yours, Mulligan?” he says. “You wanna tell him not to waste my time if he can’t pay for his drinks?”

“I can pay, I have money, it’s just—it was just here,” the young man retorts, fumbling at his pockets like a man who knows his pocketbook is long gone and is hoping to be subject to an act of God in the immediate future. Ouch. Tough break. None of Herc's business, though, and his family’s waiting for him at home, so all he can do is mentally wish the young man good luck and that his money’s in his other pocket.

The young man locks eyes with Herc for just a moment in his flurry of motion. Desperation stamped all over his face. He’s very young, just a kid, really, for all the sharpness in his voice. The bartender is giving every sign of being ready to chase him out of the tavern. Herc feels a little pang.

He just yelled at you for no good reason, says the reasonable part of Herc, and that may be true, but—Herc’s not made of stone. He has a heart. He’s always quite liked doing folk a good turn. It feels nice. And you can always cash in on it, later, if you need to, with the right sort of person. It never hurts to have an extra favor in the bank.

Herc makes up his mind.

“Relax, Mo,” says Herc, “I’ve got his. And while you’re at it, another for me.” The bartender glares, but when Herc digs in his pockets and slaps the money on the counter he more or less obligingly draws two beers for them. Herc pushes one of them at the kid and steers him over to the first free table.

“You’ll have to excuse poor Moses,” Herc says, “he’s dealt with too many people trying to skip out on a tab in his day to remember what it’s like to have a little patience. Sorry about your wallet, pal. At least take a load off.” He pulls out a chair gallantly before settling back down himself.

The kid’s chin bobs in what might be a jerky nod and what might just be a twitch, and he crumples into the chair. Up close, he looks even younger, with big dark puppy eyes and an outsize nose and not even the slightest hint of peach fuzz on his chin. He clutches his beer and stares at Herc as though he suspects him of poisoning it. Doesn’t take a sip. Tense, Jesus. Herc takes a swig of his own drink and makes himself comfortable.

“Hercules Mulligan,” he says with a flourish, by way of introduction. Gives the kid a second to enjoy the name; he knows it’s an impressive one. “You got a name, friend?”

The kid looks, if possible, even more rattled. “Yes,” he says, his knuckles going white on the mug. There’s a long, awkward pause. Herc sits with it. Let him come to it in his own time. “Oh,” the kid says, finally, and then, “Alex. Alexander. Alexander Hamilton.” Can’t quite hide the pleased little smile that curls his lips as he says it. Pride. Which is funny, thinks Herc, given that he himself wouldn’t know a Hamilton from a hole in the ground.

No point in being antagonistic, though. “Well, Alex Alexander Alexander Hamilton, let me be the first to welcome you to our fair city. I am the first, right? Let me guess, you got off the boat, what, maybe four o’clock this afternoon?”

Hamilton scowls in a way that suggests Herc has hit pretty close to the mark. “How would you know that?”

“Call it intuition. I can tell a New Yorker when I see one, and you’re not quite there yet.” In truth, it’s that the tavern they’re in is close to the waterfront, a bit off the beaten trail, and someone wearing clothes as fine as Hamilton’s probably wouldn’t have bothered giving the place a second glance if he hadn’t just stumbled off a ship. Simple deduction.

Although he wouldn’t have blamed himself for guessing wrongly, given the kid's general state of dishevelment, the hair falling into his eyes, his half-buttoned waistcoat and sloppily tied cravat, like someone who’s been drinking for several hours already. But that’s impossible; no one could be that sloshed and still be as jittery as Hamilton is. So—newcomer.

“And what brings you to New York, Mr. Hamilton? You here for work, or pleasure, or—” he gestures grandly with his mug of beer, “—just to seek your fortune?”

To his great amusement, Hamilton perks up at that. “Last one. Definitely the last one,” he says. Herc can’t help but smile back.

“A romantic, huh? Cute. No, no, don’t be mad,” he says, when Hamilton bristles at his tone, “I think it’s nice. We could always use a few more dreamers in this world.” He waits for Hamilton to calm down again before continuing, “So you must have big plans for this city, huh? Gonna knock out a couple of life goals while you’re here?”

“I, um.” Hamilton stares down into his mug. “I sort of—I’m new here, like you said. I just wanna learn. Wanna see what there is for me to do.”

“You’re trying to do some learning, this isn’t a bad place for it. Not bad at all. Some great colleges around here. If you’re a scholarly sort, good with your words, you can get a solid start there.”

“College. Yeah.” Hamilton’s eyes brighten. “Yeah, I’m—I was—I’m pretty good with words. Numbers too. I used to think, maybe I could still—college. I like that. How do you do college?”

Herc snorts, but otherwise lets that slide. “Can’t just walk in off the street, for the first thing. You’d have to apply, there’s an exam to prepare for and everything. Might need to do some schooling before you apply, even, depending on how prepared you are. There’s places you can go for that nearby, though. It’ll be work, but if you buckle down—”

“I can figure it out.”

“What, just like that?”

“I’m smart. I remember a lot, I—” Hamilton frowns a bit, like he’s let too much slip, but goes on. “Anyway. I’m good at that kind of stuff. Reading. Studying. I’ll be able to do it.”

“You got your Greek, your Latin? Gonna need those if you’re interested in going down this path.”

“I’m sure I could pick ‘em up,” says Hamilton with absurd confidence, and Herc rolls his eyes. Yeah, okay. Just pick up some dead languages like it’s no big deal. Kid must already have some schooling under his belt, to be talking like that. Cheeky. But Herc kind of likes that swagger coming out.

“Well, once you do, give me a shout. I know a guy at Princeton, I could introduce you.”

“I, sure, yeah. Thank you. Princeton. That’s, is that in New York?”

“No…it’s in Princeton.”

“Right.” No comprehension on that face.

“Princeton, like, across the river and inland a ways. Jersey, you know. Or maybe you don’t, where are you here from…?”

“Oh. Inland. Okay.” Some of that nervousness filtering back in. “I was sort of trying to stay around these parts. If I could.”

“Yeah, well, slow down a little, you haven’t even applied yet, you don’t have to make any decisions right this minute. Although between you and me, might be safer for you to get out of the city, if you can. You’ve chosen a risky time to come here. We’ve got more than our fair share of unrest right now.”

“Do you?” Hamilton leans forward, raises his eyebrows with interest. “What is it, what’s going on?”

Herc sips his beer. Glances at Hamilton, without looking like he is. Could be a Redcoat, could be a spy, mutters a cautious voice in his head, you know they’ll use anyone. But Herc trusts his gut, and his gut is telling him that the Brits would be idiots to send a spy dumb enough to get in a noisy public argument, lose his wallet, and not know where Princeton is after him. Amateur hour. They’re better than that.

Hamilton is looking at him with what must be genuine curiosity, dark eyes like blank slates, and he had said he was a dreamer, hadn’t he? Give him some dreams to work on. No such thing as a bad time to recruit for the cause. Carefully, though, always carefully.

“Lotta stir, what with that rebel army up north,” Herc says in his most casual tones. “Gets people saying all sorts of things. Scandalous things. Downright seditious, even. They say folks are organizing, right here, in the city. Our King’s not too pleased with us right about now. Of course, I wouldn’t know anything about it,” Herc continues, lightly, “hardworking, law-abiding citizen like me. I just listen. Just hear things.”

Hamilton has caught on, though, and fixes Herc with a stare that puts Herc in mind of some hunting animal, cat, hawk. No, not a hawk, something colder, something sharper. Hamilton wets his lips, opens his mouth, and…

“What king?”

“…You serious? Where did you say you were from, again?”

“The—the Caribbean?” says Hamilton, sounding rather uncertain. He shakes his head and tries again. “The Caribbean. St. Croix. Nevis, and then St. Croix.”

“Right. You know you have the same king down there as we do, right?”

“Do we?” A little concerned line appears between Hamilton’s brows. “I mean, yes. We do. Obviously. Yeah, I know. The king, that king over in, in, uh…”

“England.”

“England,” Hamilton says, a little too hard on Herc’s heels.

“Really, though, how old are you, that you don’t know who the king is?”

“I’m nineteen! And I know, all right, I do, it’s just, I just…” He trails off, drops his eyes. “I’ve had. There’s been. Other stuff to think about. King didn’t really seem important.” He looks back up, beseeching. “Should he have been?”

Herc studies that expression for a moment. Shame mingled with desperation to be right, to understand. “Nah, you’re okay. We all miss things,” he replies, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

A few more pieces click together in Herc’s head. Came to New York to seek my fortune, right; translate that into came to New York for a fresh start, came to New York running from whatever—whoever—was dogging me so hard that I couldn’t even be bothered to look at whose face was on the money. Explains the jumpiness, and the badly-concealed lies—Herc’ll be damned if Hamilton is nineteen, not with that girlish complexion, and the way he stumbled over Nevis and St. Croix was more than a little suspect.

A runaway, then, huh. Poor kid. Which, Herc supposes, is all the more reason to give him a solid mooring, ideological if nothing else. And if people tend to stay loyal to their first benefactors, well, so much the better.

“Anyway, you wanna learn something about what’s really going on in this city, come to Fraunces Tavern two nights from now. Some friends of mine are having a meeting, we can show you the ropes. Where are you staying? I can tell you how to get there from your place.”

Hamilton smiles unconvincingly. “Oh, uh, I was just planning to, you know, find somewhere around…”

“Got it. You have nowhere to stay. ‘I was just planning to find somewhere.’ Jesus, you really are new to this city, aren’t you.” Herc pushes his hat back on his head, sighs, and then rises from the table. “Nothing for it, then. Finish your beer, and then you’re coming home with me.”

“What? No, it’s fine, I don’t need, you don’t have to do that!”

“I do, unless you like the idea of sleeping in the gutter. No arguments, my man, I’ve got a spare bed and you don’t wanna spend your first full day in New York in the lockup for vagrancy.”

Those huge eyes of Hamilton’s get even bigger, and he stammers out a few words of argument before falling quiet. Herc can almost see his brain working at this additional unexpected generosity, like he doesn’t know what to do with it.

In the end, he just says, more quietly than he’s said anything all evening, “Thanks. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Now, you gonna finish your beer or what?”

Alex looks dubiously down at his full mug of beer. Lifts it to his mouth.

“Whoa, hey, I didn’t say inhale it—shit, Hamilton, are you crazy, cut that out!”

Hamilton makes a noise like huuurghlgh and spews half the contents of the mug across the table before doubling over, choking. He looks very green, and for a second Herc is afraid he’s going to vomit, but he recovers his color, sits up and paws at his mouth in abject disgust.

“Fucking—what the fuck—what is—vile fucking shit—”

“All right, all right, take it easy,” says Herc, pulling out a handkerchief and mopping at the beer splattered all over Hamilton’s coat. He’s contrived to spray it backwards, somehow, so it’s dribbled into his hair and down the sides of his collar. “Look, forget what I said, I’m cutting you off. You got your stuff?”

Hamilton coughs several times, makes a face at Herc. “My…my stuff?”

Herc rather belatedly realizes he hadn’t seen Hamilton carrying a bag at any point in the evening. Good God. Lost in New York without a wallet, without connections, without anything but the clothes on his back. He’s lucky Herc found him, or he would’ve ended up dead in a gutter before the end of the week.

“Never mind. C’mon, up. We’re going.”

With a last vicious glare at the mug of beer, Hamilton gets up and follows Herc to the door and out of the tavern, and they set off for the house. It’s slow going; Hamilton’s unsteady on his feet, and keeps stumbling until Herc throws a steadying arm around his narrow shoulders. And what’s that about? He can’t possibly be drunk, not on a mouthful of beer he didn’t even swallow. Herc leans over and sniffs discreetly, willing to walk back on his earlier judgment of this kid is not an uncontrollable lush, but can’t detect a whiff of anything harder under the smell of the beer.

“It’s not far, your place, is it?” Hamilton says with a bit of an edge to his voice. He glances back over his shoulder towards the waterfront.

“Like ten, fifteen minutes’ walk. Not bad at all. Hey, don’t worry,” he says, clapping Hamilton on the shoulder and almost causing his knees to give out, “you stick around until after my shift’s done tomorrow, I’ll show you around town a little, help you get your bearings. You’ll be a New Yorker before you know it.”

“Yeah,” says Hamilton. He shivers. Looks back at the harbor. Catches Herc noticing, and points his face back homeward. “It’ll be fine. I’ll figure it out.”

“That’s the spirit. Watch the cobblestones there.”

Hamilton yelps and hits the ground. Herc hauls him back to his feet. It’s gonna be a long walk home.

--

(part the second)

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Last Chance to Make New Year’s Resolutions Come to Fruition: Spring Equinox Message!

Abstract: Spring Equinox this year also coincides with the coming of Aries season and the astrological new year. Thus, making new beginnings and commitments have much more momentum right now. Make the changes you wanted in your life, the universe supports your goal!

With all the crazy and chaotic energies happening in the world, don’t we all want our lives to move forward? Yes, it can be quite frustrating to be stuck somewhere all day, especially when we have been used to having a lot of activities outside. But instead of thinking that cabin fever sucks, why not use this chance to make lasting changes? Especially with the Spring Equinox coming tomorrow, March 20, 2020 (equal day and night time that signals the move towards spring and summer), this is a great opportunity to make and keep new year goals and resolutions that seem to be evasive since the Gregorian year started. And by Gregorian year I mean the start of 2020.

It is also very important to note that not only is tomorrow the earth starts shifting towards longer days and shorter nights here in the Northern Hemisphere, and longer nights and shorter days in the Southern Hemisphere (showering love to everyone through inclusion), but tomorrow also coincides with the beginning of the new Astrological Year as well as Aries season, so that’s quite a double dose of energies that can push forward the major bulldozing and removal of everything that no longer works, relationships that have grown stale, previous ideas and beliefs that feel so alien because these no longer reflect the wonderful person you have grown into, and all the things, material or non-material that have been sucking your high vibrational energies dry and have been causing you so much unnecessary stress. Seriously, despite the disease scare** across the world, getting even more stressed will only affect the immune system even more negatively by reducing the production of White Blood Cells (imagine: Less Macrophage waifus in your body. Or if you like Killer T’s or our good old pal Neutrophil-sempai yeah sure. Lol I love Cells at Work - Hataraku Saibou so yeah, I am doing my best to make things light here) so might as well take precautions on the personal level because that’s the only thing each person can have almost 100% control over.  Other than that, I think this is a great opportunity to revamp our lives in however ways we want. But if you feel like it’s already too late to start anew and go over your January goals...

YOU’RE STILL FINE, LET’S DO IT!! We still have a big push to start this thing!

So ditch the guilt for not starting early enough, you’re gonna be OK because for the next 5 days the Equinox energies are here to help all of us (believers or not) move forward to our new life chapters as well as into the new decade. And it’s a great wave that we can all catch and reap the benefits as well as the rewards from.

But hoooow?

Well, I am glad you asked. What is wonderful about these energies is that aside from helping us move forward with what we want, we can also better align with the higher vibrational versions of our selves aka HIGHEST SELF so that we not only can make personal goals that we absolutely want to happen, but also next-level goals, the divinely-guided ones that can steer us into the person we were supposed to be. These are the goals that can shape and transform us and our inner world. And spoiler alert: these are not all earthly goals. Some of these can be goals that you never expected to even think of dreaming to achieve. So you might wanna think about that too.

Thus the next 5 days starting from the equinox is  a great way to start meditating (if you haven’t already) and asking the universe, source, god, friendly star entities, whoever and whatever you consider your higher power to provide you guidance on what you need to do to grow into the person who shines their light in these dark and tumultuous times. And be open-minded on what answers will pop up. Ponder and meditate on those too. Just feel free to play with whatever you pick up while you meditate: visions; smells; sounds; textures; tastes; the whole gamut of feelings available.

But what if I don’t have any unfulfilled goals right now? I started them all and finished more than half before January ended.

Then you are amazing! Honestly. And what better way to celebrate than making a fresh new inner self, because that part of you that already achieved your goals is for sure wanting to set new ones, maybe more flexible and chillax visions of you. So you still would benefit from getting an inner-self revamp and goal revamping or revisiting.

How to do this?

Also simple. Here are some suggested steps:

List all of your new year goals 

Tick the ones that you accomplished 

Write your feelings when you accomplished them 

See if it’s a goal that can get better through an upgrade (eg. saved x amount of cash. next goal can be save 2x amount of cash), and lastly,

Ask yourself: Is this goal worth upgrading or is it worth making new goals?

If you feel deep within your heart that upleveling your goal is worth it because you know 100% that you’ll feel so happy and fulfilled doing it, then please do, by all means! Any and all forms of growth and development are wonderful, and that’s also going to improve your skills in the long run. Who knows, you can grow into an expert in that field too. So yeah, I support you!

But.. What if a considerable chunk of what you did and accomplished didn’t give you the amount of satisfaction that you were expecting to receive? Or, you felt drained?

Don’t despair, my friend, because all of those activities ARE NOT IN VAIN. These are not a waste of time. Why? Because at the very least, they’re great lessons made especially for you. It just means that your inner self just wants to get more out of life, and you’re starting to yearn for bigger goals. Maybe goals that you haven’t thought of doing yet, or goals that you kept shoving in the back of the oven. Or it is also possible that you just need to expand your comfort zone, or do stuff you haven’t done before but were always chilling at the corner of your mind. It is also possible that you just need to do something new, just to feel alive.

Whatever the case, a breath of fresh air is what the doctor recommends. And you can definitely benefit by harnessing the incoming Equinox energies! Aside from asking the higher dimensional realms for extra guidance and support. I mean, any form of support and cheering is better than none so why not take this chance as well? What is there to lose?

If you’ll ask me, you can only gain newer perspectives. Newer ways of solving things. Newer ways of looking at things. Once you’ve crossed that path, you can only go forward, because neural networks get rewired each time you CHOOSE to change and EMBRACE everything that goes with it. Basically BECOMING the identity instead of just seeing yourself as someone who does things is a better goal because by BECOMING, it becomes who you are as your own personal choice. For me, my personal identity is a life-long learner who learns to improve my personal life and other people’s too. Yeah I got this idea from Vishen Lakhiani, it makes so much sense to me because I was already doing identity shifting even before he coined the term. Fun 13 years that was, and counting. So it’s both borrowed and personal, I couldn’t care any less lol

OK past this point are personal ramblings. You can end your reading here =) Thank you and be blessed always!

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Of course, changing things just when things are getting settled can be very, very unsettling. For me, even if I am open to changes, it can still get really annoying. I already started going out of my comfort zone as advised by my higher self since November last year, and it’s not as easy as I wanted it to be, because I had to purge so much stuff, more than my body could ever handle. I also started to purge inherited emotions, ideas, patterns, karmas, and all that garbage that I have been holding onto energetically, because aside from not being for my highest good, these things have held me back because deep down, I KNOW that I can do more and be more. I am B-MO lol but really, aren’t we all B-MO? =D

I wish I wasn’t kidding when I kept saying that it wasn’t easy making changes. Honestly, it wasn’t. We’re hardwired to be habitual creatures, it’s in our DNA, and by going against our instincts and relying more on intuition can feel like swimming upstream, up a waterfall. Also, I have a stubborn streak (a Saturnian gift which I am doing my best to be happy with), which can really get in the way of instilling new habits and schedules, especially just implementing a weekly Kundalini meditation to clear off energies and learning new stuff. Another thing that is tripping me up right now is adding my paypal donation link below each post, which is pretty much divinely-guided and right now I am hoping that some magic can happen, one way or another. It felt uncomfortable but I also chose to do it, even if a tiny part of me, the fearful one who wants me to stay in poverty consciousness is guilt-tripping me even until now. If I could just obliterate that part of me so that I can let abundance come in, I will do it in a heartbeat. And right now I am still in that process so wish me luck to succeed.

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Well, this turned out to be longer than I intended it to be. But still, I hope it helps others a lot, even just one person. Of course, if it helps more then the better it is to have this posted. 

One last thing: An Energy-infused photo to support you with the incoming Spring Equinox energies:

If you reached this part of the post, seriously thank you so much. You can have all my hugs, my UwUs, and uhm.. Everything else in between. UwU

Be blessed by the Divine Realm always, and may you become the healing you deserve.

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com 

Thank you so much and be blessed!

More personal rants under the slash lol no need to read unless you want to get triggered lol

----Trigger warnings: ranting--------

**  I personally believe that the “pandemic” is nothing more than a scare tactic instigated by uhm, “you know who” (Voldemort? Sauron? lol) because based on some of the statistics which I have been doing my best to read, the disease only affects susceptible members of the population aka people with weak or compromised immune systems, especially people around the age of 60 years and above. Also I am miffed that many reports kept focusing on number of deaths instead of adding very pertinent info such as total number of cases, demographics of suspected and infected individuals and number of deaths versus total number of cases with full age demographic of the entire population of infected individuals as well as the entire population structure of each country. I am basically saying that a lot of things should be considered before making rational or irrational choices or procedures, because any incomplete info or analysis can affect decision-making and make matters worse. I believe it’s called looking at all options including past events and how these were mitigated and assesing all possible ways to create solutions. Seriously, deciding out of hightened emotions and under fear can create more horrible events. Try deciding from a place of confidence, peace, love, and gobbling a lot of information and regurgitating that information to create BETTER solutions. Sheesh.

As with most of the diseases out there, proper hygiene and personal responsibility are still the most important things each person can do to control ALL COMMUNICABLE DISEASES. And in my own, personal opinion, some other viral and parasitic diseases have more lethal effects because ALL members of the entire population demographic can readily die from it without proper detection and care. Think HIV, Dengue fever, trypanosome diseases, malaria, etc.. Just my two cents on this whole thing. But if you disagree then it’s fine. I still love you OK? I guess I am a lot more passionate than I should be because I love studying epidemiology and pathogens and how these things can be controlled, plus some background on cell signalling and formation of cells helps a lot. I wasn’t kidding when I said I learn and apply what I learned to help myself and other people, that’s a large part of my personal identity. =)

[diakena]

Infinipop: Notes Towards an Investigation

Infini-pop is a subset of pop and techno music and occasionally includes tracks that would technically be considered ‘rock’, although I’m really thinking less in term of sounds used and more in terms of the goal it has, and it’s core goal is to articulate or create a Heideggerian mood. That mood is one of infinity, that the possibilities are infinite, that anything is possible. It’s the sort of music that made a lot of sense my senior year of high school, when the worst was over, and only goodness was on the horizon; I was going to college, I was going to study things that were interesting and meaningful, and beyond that, I would eventually find work and love, I would get to be on my own and with my friends whenever I wanted. I was dating someone at the time, or sort of dating someone. She’d said yes to my prom request, and we were still hanging out beyond that, and we seemed to be clicking.

Alessia Cara’s Wild Things comes to mind, a song about being wild and carefree, and the combination of percussion and wild chants during the chorus, repeats the way I felt so perfectly, the sense of being totally free, like nothing matters except simply being whoever I choose to be, being true to whatever path I choose to follow, and like each one is infinitely possible and equally doable. The heavy aspects of life have largely evaporated, are insignificant trivialities which will disappear as we approach and get through them. DeJ Loaf’s No Fear also comes to mind, a simple song about how love makes all things evaporate into light, and everything is infinitely possible, so long as one’s loved one is with you. I remember playing songs like this in the car with friends on the way to crew practice, to prom, to the movies, and at the time, it seemed as if everything was doable and possible, as if nothing bad would ever happen. Grimes’ Phone Sex, Broke For Free’s Golden Hour, Calvin Harris’ Feel so Close and We Found Love, Clean Bandit’s Rather Be, Empire of the Sun’s Walking on a Dream, EVVY’s Collide, Foster the People’s Call it What You Want, Fun’s Tonight, Icona Pop’s All Night, Urthboy’s Rushing Through Me, One Republic’s Counting Stars, The New Division’s Kids, Michael Franti’s I’m Alive, Raury’s Superfly, and so on and so forth. I won’t pretend to understand the musical technicalities that makes these songs ‘work’ or ‘fail,’ and different people’s results may vary with certain ones, given how aesthetically based it is. And infinipop is nothing new. ‘Classics’ such as Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (and to some degree Time After Time), as well as Heavy D’s Now That We Found Love could, to some degree might fit under the umbrella term/concept, but regardless of where it started, what unites all these tracks (for me at least) is that they remind me of what it’s like to feel like anything is possible, or that the future holds better (or even good) things than the present, that the only true horizon is my own imagination.

How different things have turned out. Now 25 years of age and I’m stoked to have a job which will pay almost $15/hour. I’m looking at moving out sometime late next spring with a friend (because safely affording to live on my own is nowhere in sight). I’ve spent far too much of the last few years contemplating suicide, not out of spite for my existence, but failing to see where it could possibly be going. I’ve heard voices and seen ghosts, all threatening me at gunpoint (and at times wishing they would just do it). Occasionally things come together for a brief period (or briefly appear to be coming together), but it’s usually a (very) temporary phenomenon. I haven’t dated since Kate, and that relationship was abusive (on my part).

The music lied.

This is I think a big part of why artists like The XX and Lorde have been so successful, and why her second album was a bit disappointing. The album Pure Heroine was relaxed and laid back, never got too loud. The same could be said of the XX’s self-titled album, which was recorded quietly so as to not wake up their parents while they slept. VCR is a love-song like DeJ Loaf’s No Fear, about the fearlessness a loved one can make you feel in spite of the world, but it has a fundamentally different goal and trajectory. Rather than convince the couple to take epic trips to Paris, the XX is satisfied to watch old VHS tapes and cuddle on the couch. That’s enough for them, and that’s most of what’s possible for millennials who are in love. Islands chops along at a slightly quicker pace with the percussion and guitars, but the voices remain hushed, and the bass keeps things feeling calm and smooth, the tension never fully breaks, and things remain muted, a trend that was maintained throughout Coexist as well.

But if the XX is simply maintaining an aesthetic humility that taps into young people’s desire for something calm and simple, satisfied with the simple pleasure of life and love, Lorde took things a step further with Pure Heroine. The production tends to be quieter and more simple, minimalistic with simple auditory shapes that you feel very viscerally without having to think too hard. 400 Lux tells simple stories about getting orange juice, falling asleep in the passenger seat and and aimless chatting while he puts his wrist over the steering wheel. Expensive trips and adventures are unnecessary; calm and cozy comfort are enough here. Ribs replaces romance with more general friendship, the simple joys of laughing until one’s stomach aches, and the nostalgia for a childhood where such an occurrence was much more common. What these tracks, and many others on the album display is a rejection of infinipop’s obsession with excessive existence. Lorde is not craving huge adventures and wealth, but the simple pleasures of material stability to be enjoyed with friends and lovers in quiet comfort. And the album most directly rejects the obsession with excess on it’s most famous track, Royals, where she directly attacks the excessiveness of celebrity lifestyles filled with gold teeth, exotic pets and the inevitable public breakdowns that follows such a lifestyle of extremes. Lorde instead is happy with a simple and quiet life, and with the album selling over 2 million units, I’d say it seems to have struck a chord with young people, who are slowly waking up to the fact that infinipop sold them a dream that would never become a reality (and then some). Life is depressing for most, a long drag with relief coming rarely and for short periods, and Lorde seems to be selling a more achievable vision in her music by rejecting infinipop. This is part of why I’ve struggled so much with her second album, Melodrama. The music, and many of the lyrics, seemed to be trying to break into a bigger sound for a girl who had bigger ambitions than before. Green Light kicks off with explosive energy, which is totally antithetical to much of what she was trying to do with Pure Heroine. While much of the album then cools down, several songs do attempt a larger sound, which indicates she maybe didn’t fully understand what was so unique about her in the first place. I hope she manages to remember the rest of us, even as she gets to the top.

But also interesting is the music that picks up the aesthetic, but only to smuggle in a counterargument, the horrific realization that all is not as well as the music would suggest. Rihanna’s Disturbia comes to mind, a song that could easily fit on many prom and homecoming playlists, even as the lyrics depict a psychological dystopia as Rihanna is gaslit into accepting abuse, struggling to make sense of her predicament. Also in this tradition is The Naked and Famous’ Punching in a Dream, with many of the lyrics being resonant with Underoath’s A Moment Suspended in Time, although TNAF seem to be holding an incoherent paradox in their song. The music is upbeat, even as the singer sings about her nightmares coming true all around her. This is, perhaps, the best infinipop has to offer us, since in a single song it holds the contradictory tension many millennials experience, the contradiction between being fed a steady diet of hopeful optimism that doesn’t hold up to their lived material experiences. Most are struggling with student debt they took on for degrees that have failed to secure them good-paying jobs to pay off such debt, and then find themselves blamed for taking on the debt they were told to take on by colleges and companies interested in making an easy buck off of them.[1] While Lorde and The XX might offer a more reasonable vision for life, as well as a rejection of the impossibility for infinity most millennials feel, I think that TNAF, whether they intended to or not do the best job here of holding the paradoxical state most millennials find themselves in today in a single song, the aesthetics of optimism with the actual reality of terror and despair, the incompatibility of the two which we are forced to simultaneously hold in our minds ear.

Notes

[1]  The kafkaesque hell that is the student-loan industry deserves more than I can do justice, but others have here and here (two name but a couple examples).