#i wake up like three times a night
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I was sneezing a lot and then I started coughing so much it felt like my lungs were going to fall out. maybe it's just allergies. what the fuck is wrong with me what is wrong with my body
#was half convinced i would start coughing up blood#my breathing sounds weird too. oh well it's probably fine#tw illness#ig#i wake up like three times a night#and sleep during the day a lot#there is something wrong
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Him being cunty, him slaying, him mothering blah blah blah you get the point.
#fight club#fight club 1999#tyler durden#artists on tumblr#digital art#illustration#martyryo followers wake up to a new artstyle every week or so#this brush saved me so hard#I'm abandoning the tiresome rendering to grayscale#I am high on life I feel like taking a sip of water and contemplate the shadowy mountains in the night#doodle kinda#didn't think much in making this cause if I try to make it look good it doesn't make it out of the first three lines on canvas#first time drawing feet I feel scared#also itbyiu didn't get it I'm a tyler big pants thruter I'll always put him in oversize pants#really like it it's so refreshing#I actually see some soul in it#thank you color burn you're my best friend#martyryo#gn 😴
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maybe with the ending.. make it be like the link between Breezepelt's leaving to join Kin and his POV in AVOS? of course from Nightcloud's perspective but
like. she would be injured and recovering away from the clan. but they would be unaware that she is alive and like in canon assume she died and hold her a vigil. Breezepelt, who is already at low point, taking it very badly - yes he was pushing her away bc he was hurt and angry and started taking it out on her, but.. it's still his mom. his Mi. and she is dead? or is this stupid clan just going to believe this to make it easier? are they really giving up on looking for her, or her body??
i can see Nightcloud being the one of very few, if not THE Only one, things that kept Breezepelt in WindClan at this point. and without her, what's the point? it's not like anyone else likes him. the link is gone and they buried it in a bodyless vigil. so it's what pushes him to actuall take the step and leave.
not sure how well it would align with the timeline and events. and how soon Darktail was assembling cats from other clans like Breeze. but i think it would be interesting and heartbreaking if at the end of her SE, Nightcloud just arrived back to WindClan and asks where Breezepelt is and someone tells her.. he either was missing since this morning or just left the clan earlier the same day. like, just have them miss each other by a hair.
I'm thinking that the second-to-last chapter is her with Pickle, having a bit of a sabbatical to unpack everything that happens through the story. Mostly because I want to throw her into some kind of pretty garden as a nice setting for this lmaoo
A LOT of BB stuff is being added to Nightcloud's Pannage that wasn't in the main series; Hillrunner's abuse, her mentor Addersong, several expanded little background characters now complete with their own side conflicts. I think what I can bind all these things with is Nightcloud considering what a Clan means.
Because of her new reputation, I'm noticing I'm writing scenes where she's intentionally doing and saying things to try and sway them. While also grappling with her resentment towards them, and things she can't change.
There's a bit of a melancholy air so far, so I'm starting to feel like the best ending is just having a bit of space to herself to think. Ultimately, she decides that it's more than Breezepelt or Crowfeather that binds her to WindClan. It's the life and connections she COULD have.
WindClan cats are also quite religious next to other Clans, so I really do mean "sabbatical." I'm going to have Addersong die of old age shortly after they reconnect, so she's in Pickle's Garden talking to her new friend, choosing cats she's lost to pray to as patron spirits to give her the traits she feels she needs, and just recovering both physically from injury and spiritually from turmoil.
So all that to say; it works well that by the time she gets back, Breezepelt has joined The Kin. He was one of the first to join when he started calling for members anyway, so having Night be gone for about two or three weeks sounds appropriate.
#I'm still working out WHAT the injury was though#I just know for sure that Night was in some DEEP trouble. Possibly being attacked by a fox or dog#And she can't tell for sure if it was gratitude or hunger or the brief influence of StarClan shining through the sow's eyes#But Marge does an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE and kills what was attacking her#Before scuttling off with her three surviving humbugs into the mist#And when Nightcloud wakes up she's at The Pickle Jar#Too injured to travel and kinda understand she needs the time to unpack some stuff anyway#Wanting to get home desperately ofc to stand by Breeze#But also... StarClan has probably placed her here. Away from the Clan. For a reason.#Especially with Pickle in particular since she's grappling with how her reactionary xenophobia has affected people through her life#I have a LOT of little ideas for NcP#Which I'll need to trim and focus I think#As-is I think it's meandering BUT it's good to get EVERYTHING down in a first draft#Better bones au#I actually have a crowf ref finished and planned to post that with a summary lmaooooooo#Sorry Crow. I like ur wife too much#Nightcloud's Pannage
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a family of ex-terrorists splitting their time between living on a ship and living on a deserted island, their complicated polycule structure, and their teenage girl ghost that follows them everywhere
#As predicted I got in a horror mood lol#I thought about like. On the ship and in the cabins in general you always sleep with a buddy at night#Dont leave by yourself and dont open the door right away if someone knocks#Every time a new person joins or wakes up it's like hi happy to have you! ok so quick recap: dont chase figures in the dark#They're strongest together so they try never to have few numbers on their own. Preferably split the group in no less than threes#I just love the Haunting of Class 77#not an art
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it's all about representation until you get it irl and suddenly we don't fuck with real people. ok. i see. remind me was there felt at fucking Stonewall again
#bruce springsteen#clarence clemons#now. i understand this is a poll. people are not going to die bc of this. unfortunately i still see y'all picking fucking puppets#over a relationship that 1. makes me wonder if there will ever be anything like that ever again for anybody and 2. makes me wake up#in the middle of the night wishing i was born in NJ so me and the Boss could share that Jersey bisexual swag. genuinely. usually#happens after i've listened to I'm On Fire too many times but can you blame me#saw one of my mutuals in the tags like 'great propaganda but i still clicked the muppets' oh. i've been betrayed. don't speak to me#for at least three business weeks if not more
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I Know kim and harry literally index the case using the date 08/03 suggesting this is the date of day 1 however ruby's diary entry says M's peone is coming to martinaise to investigate on the Ninth (and besides, it doesnt fit with the date of death being the fourth and that the corpse has been hanging for seven days as of day 1). might the index just use eg the date the corpse was reported to the rcm rather than the date assigned officers actually make it to the scene
#in which case day 1 is on the eleventh right...#lely was murdered (4th) -> cuno threw rocks at the corpse for a few days before klaasje decided to call it in (8th) ->#harry arrived in martinaise (a few hours later on the 8th?) -> harry has a three day long bender and wakes up the morning of the 11th#that being said ruby's diary entry about being holed up 'here' (taking this to mean the fisher shack) is from the 12th#so maybe klaasje called it in say 11pm on the 8th and the dispatched harry the morning of the 9th#plus the three day bender would have the kineema waking up harry and scaring away ruby to the feld building on the 12th#I Sure Feel like this is something that should be very simple that im just not understanding bc im tired#or maybe it was obvious to everyone else this whole time. not sure!#gemitus#disco elysium#maintagging yeah sowwy 👍#i think the fact that he was killed at night probably adds some rounding to the mix here
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sleep doesnt exist but i animated a fish even more so life is okay
#my older brother complained that it was too choppy and i needed to make it 24 fps#i nearly killed him#guys my sleep is so fucked#like i go to bed at 8 pm and then sleep terribly only to wake up at 5:45 am#i genuinely cannot fall asleep at 8 ive been trying to for like 2 weeks now#but every morning i have to wake up before six so i dont miss the bus#i have no free time anymore#i have an assignment due on saturday night#but im booked all day tomorrow and all night tonight#im literally so tired all of the time#three pigeons in a trench coat
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ily bakugou katsuki u are the only thing that hasn't pissed me off today
#today i was basically told that i have to take all of my breaks at work back to back to back within one hour two hours after i clock in#which means that i don't get a break at all later during the night so i don't fucking Want that but i have no other choice because#i'm basically being cornered into doing it by one of the managers who texted my department lead and said i tried to get someone to#cover me for my break at “almost 7 when everyone is going home” which is a fucking lie i asked at 6#who the fuck wants to take all of their breaks in one hour two hours after they start their eight hour shift#i asked for someone to cover me at 6 because i had to use the bathroom really fucking badly and she was like#“why didn't you take them while the midshift was here” the midshift has a three hour overlap with my shift and i have to be clocked in#for at least two hours before i take any breaks at all and i don't want to take all of my breaks at once that soon#ONE HOUR BEFORE MY COWORKER LEAVES#and like we both have stuff to do????#all three breaks two hours into my shift then nothing for the next six fucking hours funniest joke i've ever heard in my entire life#except it's not a joke because it's from a manager so if i don't do this stupid ass shit i could get disciplined or fired#because they don't want to send anyone to cover for me#you know what's even funnier? i am the ONLY PERSON scheduled for these fucking 2-10 shifts except for our full time guy#my other coworkers? 4-10. i don't want this fucking 2-10 shift get me the fuck OFF OF IT#EATS MY ENTIRE FUCKING DAY#i woke up at 8:30am this morning and it still felt like my entire goddamn day was stolen from me because i wake up have time to myself for#about 5 hours out of my whole day then i have to get ready and get my ass to work until the end of the fucking day#tag rant#tag vent#bakugou katsuki#i feel like this is something i should call my union rep about but idk
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I opened up about my body image issues and people called me a horrible person, told me I'm invalidating people with eds and that I'm body shaming people? God what the fuck? Ive got no fucking support system in real life and the Internet just hates me I guess.
#every waking moment of my life for three years was spent making sure other people had a person to vent to#but i can't vent to anyone#well ive got one person who wont even read my fucking text messages so i could say anything but i need someone to know#i need someone to say ill be okay. i need someone to be the person i was.#and nobody does that for me#ive got one person who cant even answer a ask on tumblr. honestly fuck you. i hope youre reading this. i spent so many nights awake making#sure you felt seen and you were okay. i gave up so much of my time to always be there for you. but you cant even respond “haha” to a stupid#joke? i get social interaction is hard. i get it. but this isnt. all you have to fucking do is open an ask. skim it for an idea of the vibe#and type haha or aw im sorry or smthing. its so easy. you know i have crippling anxiety. shit like this brings back trauma. it sends me into#a really bad panic attack. you suck. i hate to say that. cause you dont. you are genuinely a good person but you hate yourself so much that#youre actually trying to be a bad person#nothing you ever do will make me hate you but i sure am mad. me and A spent a few hours talking about how much we were worried about you#he doesn't have tumblr. when he found out you havent been messaging me he thought you killed yourself. for him its complete radio silence#just say something. like one of my posts. you dont have to do much. just do the bare minimum so i know you dont hate me.#cause if you dont hate me right now you really suck. really do. and if you do hate me please communicate that with me so i can fix myself
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/lighthearted
what’s it like to not have nightmares multiple times a week. do y’all just live normal style like that. couldn’t be me.
#blue chatter#I keep having weird messed up stress dreams#some part of me finds them interesting/funny so it isn’t so bad#but it is a lot#I feel bad for my poor roommate who had three awful nightmares in a row last night#but honestly that’s been happening to me in the mornings now#I’ll wake up from a dream and forget it#see that it’s like 4:35AM#go ‘oh I can sleep for a couple more hours’#and then wake up from the worst nightmare of my life#and It’s like 5:32AM#like girl u did not have time for REM sleep what is this#what are we pulling here#I don’t get it#but it keeps happening lately and I Don’t Love It
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..
#what does it mean if you keep waking up with your heart racing painfully and you're shaking and panicked like every morning? :'(#even when you don't remember having a nightmare or a big upset right before falling asleep#and not even like something big and scary happening today :( i'm visiting friends i miss and im on speaking terms with all my loved ones :(#also feeling very fatigued and tired :( have i been having nightmares even on the nights i don't remember them?#i've been getting adequate lengths of sleep... is my body still thinking it's in crisis mode when i wake up? :(#i know probably nobody can help or knows the answer but i'll give it a shot anyway#also every single morning it takes an hour or two or three for specifically frankie to calm down and not be um :'(#like very angry and defensive and hurt and paranoid and stuff and it seems he always needs time and caffeine to help him calm down#and tobacco now too but i'm starting to get really worried about our health in general about all of this :'(#we've always had a really hard time eating any food before four hours after waking up is it something to do with that?#thank you for reading and listening to anyone who made it this far i don't want my headmate and i to experience morning scaries everyday :')#my post
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Lucid dreaming would be so cool if it didn’t involve taking an ax to your sleep quality
#it’s easy enough to become lucid by doing reality checks and dream journalling#the trouble is staying asleep after becoming lucid#I’ve lucid dreamed… two or three times probably?#but every time I wake up at 3 in the morning#and was regularly waking up 5:30 on nights I didn’t lucid dream#so then I was like fuck this and stopped#helio.txt
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need to stop taking my meds right before bed and remember to take them with dinner like im supposed to bc oof ouch my tummy.
#it's a specific one of the three that always irritates my intestines if i don't take with enough food in my stomach#i reduced my morning dose a while ago bc even with my light breakfast the full pill was giving me problems#but i take a full pill at night too and apparently bed time is too late after dinner usually#that i end up waking up at like 2-4am for a half hour with pain in my intestine. argh#need to not do that again. idk why last night was the night i finally realized what was going on#i wanna talk about me
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obnoxious professor that I've had before and never liked told me (somewhat passive aggressively but thats justified) that my attendance thru out this semester was a huge issue and I was like. yeah thats real and I gave a very sincere and honest apology, explained myself without making excuses, and expressed that I meant no disrespect to him and thanked him profusely for his help after id been kind of a shit. mind you this interaction was only after I had to email him a second time because he ignored my first email for half a week. and now he's ignoring me again and not replying even though I had time sensitive questions about the work in my email. and like he called me a hypocrite bc I as a teacher obviously want my kids to show up but like. while again true i am a hypocrite. I did have students that struggled IMMENSELY with attendance and I had a hell of a time trying to convince them not to skip class but at least I had the presence of mind to fucking realize that if I was an ass to my chronically truant kids then they were just gonna be more likely to skip. like its just driving them away. I was always friendly w my truant kids and genuinely excited to see them in class and was as welcoming and accommodating as possible and you know what. they fucking showed up more. they trusted me enough to tell me ehat was going on or to ask me for help. like if you're just gonna fucking be bitchy with me and then ghost me repeatedly to put me in my place obviously I'm just gonna give up on trying to fix this. think for two fucking seconds. I'm a jerk but you're a dumbass
#jacob on main#sorry mostly irrelevant i know this guy just gets on my fucking nerves#'if you had shown up you wouldve passed easily and wouldnt be in this situation' yeah i know bc im an adult capable of self reflection#unfortunately youre exhausting to talk to and i have more urgent shit going on than this class. so. suck on that i guess.#like context i wasnt skipping just bc i didnt like him though that obvs didnt help#it was because i was the most miserable and exhausted i have basicslly ever been and didnt have energy after working#a full time unpaid job. to go sit in a fucking classroom doing workshops for three hours straight until 8:30p.#on a night where i had to wake up the following morning at 5am. so.#like sorry i prioritized my classroom and my students over being a student to you ig
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in theory i like the monster under the bed, but in practice i'm abt to turn it off with mc command center
#it's happening CONSTANTLY now that the twins are children and sharing a room#and it always wakes both of them up i can't DO IT#this reminds of the time my sims had triplets and there was a bug in the game that made the monster appear EVERY NIGHT several times#and i didn't even use mods because this was when i played vanilla without mcc or anything#(it was before toddlers were even a thing)#and all the triplets were sharing the room and woke up like a minimum of three times a night#god it was so FRUSTRATING#(side note: that was the first and only time my sims have ever had triplets)#anyway ever since that incident ive detested the monster but ive kept it active bc it didn't happen very often when it was just fen#but now i'm turning it off i CANNOT do it#💬
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crawls in here coughing and wheezing... everyone is so niceys to me.....
#sobs and collapses djfjndlsl#anyways good-.... well not good morning anymore. good afternoon everybuddy DJDKSL#i spent two real life hours this morning after waking up the first time in like... semi sleep paralysis ???#idk what it is but it happens sometimes where i cannot wake myself up and im on the cusp of being awake but i cant open my eyes or move LOL#and then i will finally be able to wake up for like three seconds before sleep drags me under again and then im stuck again#its so frustrating and drives me nuts 😭😭#BUT IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE KIND TAGS AND EVERYTHING FROM LAST NIGHT YAY THANK U ALL DJFJDKL#everyone so niceys to me :3#i want to draw more for ppl but I'll see what im capable of today fjdksl i am going traveling w parents tomorrow for a medical thing#(not for me but for one of them fjfkdl im just going along so i can perhaps purchase yarn bc they have a craft store there !!! yippee !!!)#anyways so i have to ... do stuff today to be ready for tomorrow and then yay hurray maybe i will draw after i get stuff done#dancing and grooving and boogying down djdkdl kicking my feet and becoming The Smiler reading over tags and rbs :]#dandy.cmd
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