#i waited a week but nothing changed
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if it needed to be said, friendly reminder to change your pfp from the default/add something to your bio/Anything to make sure you dont look like a bot if you choose to follow me, because ill probably block you otherwise. tyty
#there were a couple of blank blogs that had 0 posts 0 likes#and were Only following me and staff#i waited a week but nothing changed#usually bots follow a ton of random people so im not totally certain those were bots#but even if they werent#only following me gives me weird spying vibes-#im sorry if yall werent bots though waahhh#what if they were twit refugees who liked my stuff and made a tum//blr just to only follow me since i left twit#... thats just optimism talking though#yeah please make yourselves look not like a bot im begging yall dfjdhg#*gardening noises*
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*posts and crawls back in hell*
#artists on tumblr#fight club#digital art#illustration#the narrator fight club#tyler durden#art#fight club 1999#soapshipping#oh my look who's back#so#I'm living hell rn cause I'm full of assignments and gotta pull full nighters til like sunday#this is the only thing I've drawn since the last time I posted. yeah#this is also an assignment for tomorrow (at this point today#I've been raw dogging this drawing from start to finish since 4 pm and now it's like midnight and a half#also I got a test tomorrow I studied nothing about#crying and throwing up#tyler looks fried in that bg but ayw#love the rest#this was supposed to be the scene where jack loses a tooth and tyler says that even the mona lisa falls apart#pretty much only inspirational cause I changed the whole thing to get a nicer result#I'll also post the final thing once I finish it at school#alright bye babes#can't wait to start dtage next week so I'll have drawing time once I get home#yippee#love yall I'll check the notes when I have time 😭#martyryo
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I'll either succeed or I'll learn trying
#I wanna REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!#its helpful for me to keep in mind#not failing. learning#learning. learning makes failures into something worthwhile#grimacing as I repeat this to myself#text post#delete later#idk saying it cause it made me be like heh. nice#so idk might make someone else be like hm... nice#so LAMGOMSAGKLSAJGALKGJASLKGMSALKGJ#there is not much thought behind the things I post there's just not really much thought in general#honestly that is not true#I overthing everything. on account of the anxiety#but it's all good#speaking of the doc gave me an anti anxiety med on top of the adhd thing#so that's cool#seems to be working though..#she told me I could up the dose and I might do that in like a week if it feels like hrmm#I asked for all the instructions about starting stopping upping lowering or changing the time I take things#cause yknow. those things matter and I like to experiment to figure out whats best for me#this has nothing to do with the post#also they messed up my order again#i only got 180 books#bro theres 120 more#where are they#give me my books!!! please!!!!!!!1#I'll wait til tomorrow#its possible they just didnt fit on the truck. thats completely reasonable
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#BRUHHHHHH I NEED ANOTHER TEASER I BEG YOU RIOT#ITS BEEN THREE YEARS I CANT WAIT TO USE NEW CONTENT FOR GIFS LMAO#personal tag#dont look at me im just here to complain about content drought lmao its really not good in fostering a healthy fandom ngl#because ppl will just hyperfixate and consume media for like a month and then the fandom goes poof right after lol#i miss all the people scrutinizing media every week i miss all the essays pumping out when content arrives#these days its just.... nothing lmao i only really still have arcane in my mind because of fanfiction and a lot of fics have been inactive#ik we're getting new stuff in a few months#and ik we're not in canceled shows hell but like#i really hope that if theres season 3 we're gonna get it a bit more regularly#i really miss it when content was like weekly or every 2 weeks because ppl and the fandom are wayyyy more active during those times#binge culture and netflix sort of changed it lol#i miss it when fandoms were huge!!! i miss it when it was so CHAOTIC lmaooooooooo#I MISS WAITING FOR LONG ASS HOURS WAITING FOR CONTENT TO RELEASE EVERY WEEK!!!! I MISS IT!!!! that was like what 12 years ago LOL#I KNOW arcane is special with their 3 year drought because it takes time to make arcane#but like..... idk man i miss content lmao#iirc they took too long to make s2 bc they have no idea if s1 would be even renewed#so i hope s3 will be a bit more regular now#anyways im gonna go bye bye
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they are so cute I may die
@sonderfairy
#the moth prince fanart#the moth prince#fercade#anddddd that concludes the sketch page I was working on with these two#sadly I must ignore the voices and actually work on my schoolwork for the rest of the week#this won’t be the last of them tho#enough of my excuses#tried my hand at arcades spiky hair it was v fun to sketch#I never draw hair like that so it was a v welcome change#plus I’ve been trying to get a simpler version of my style down recently#so it was v fun to experiment with these#and fern is always a joy to sketch ofcofc#I love that silly moth fairy sm#they are the besties (lol) of all time I adore them both#honestly this is the most I’ve regularly drawn in like a week or two#so ty to the universe for allowing me to stumble upon this story#and ty to sonderfairy for sharing your lovely ocs#your mind is immense I can’t wait to read more and probably become more unwell about them than I already am#if that’s even possible LMAO#ok uhhh I have nothing else to say byebyeee
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✨⭐️Persona 4 : Karaoke All Night ⭐️✨
I saw this old clip from the X Factor of a guy singing his original song “Friday Night” and the lyrics just resonated with me. Totally got “drunk Adachi karaoke” vibes from it. So here we have Adachi, absolutely wasted, singing this song with a relatively sober Dojima being his supporting vocals. Also! If you noticed the lil tags on their ties, I thought it’d be cute if the two of them had little name tag metal clips on their ties~
#tohru adachi#p4#adachi#persona 4#p4g fanart#ryotaro dojima#adajima#I was working all week nothing exciting. I was waiting all week so boring but tonight I’ll go out because it’s- Friday Night#i love these two so much#might be changing how I draw Adachi’s hair for the millionth time#trying to keep my Dojima consistent though
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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oof
#actually yeah remember that time i had swine flu#i had a 104 degree fever and was terrified to go to the hospital#not because of the hospital but because i'd have to manage my parents' emotions and anxiety while i was there on top of being sick as hell#i locked myself in the bathroom refusing to let my dad take me to the ER#and only gave in when he promised he wouldn't tell my mom#and then his girlfriend told my mom. they fucking lied#and then. you guessed it. i had to manage everyone's emotions while we waited for the ER to do literally nothing#the swine flu tests were super unreliable and i got a false negative. they sent me home with some antibiotics and called it a day#then sheepishly called a week later when the second test came back positive to basically ask if i was still alive#swine flu fucked me up for a long time. but it didn't warrant an er visit#and it certainly didn't warrant my parents fucking breaking my trust like that#i know they only told my mom so they didn't have to deal with her going off after the fact#which is such bullshit. that's the kind of thing a parent is supposed to take and shield their kid from#not break their trust so you get it easy#but of course. if my dad had been one to take my aversion to my mom seriously then. then he and i wouldn't be going on 4yrs of no contact#because a looooot of things would've had to be different for that one thing to happen#god i have so much anger for my parents. so much grief#my mom's been surprisingly silent (all things considered) in the near month i've been no contact with her#and it's not like seeing the disgusting emails and voicemails from her feels good but... but they're almost better than nothing.#they're sort of love. in a way. not really... but. but it hurts to know how hard my dad fought to get through to me#and to have spent the past 4yrs with my mom rubbing in my face how she'd never be like him and Just let me go. how she'd fight.#being told that at the time didn't feel like love. didn't feel healthy. and now seeing that she didn't even fucking mean it.#she prided herself so much on being the one who Loved Me More. really hard not to see it for the performance it was now#makes me wonder if my dad really actually did love me as much as he said. not that it was much but. it was more. it was something#i know he's not capable of change. even less capable than my mom. but. i really miss my dad right now.#(glad i can still remember what his voice sounds like. so i don't have to go listen to one of those old voicemails he left me)#even considering that the memory that brought this all up was him lying to me and betraying my trust#being no contact with my parents...i'm finally the orphan i always have been#personal#ahhhh therapy's gonna be JUICY this week 🤣
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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the fact im alive is a cruel joke, not a miracle
#msposts#vent#blasphemous rumours moment#like i have no goal what am i alive for ?? so i work until i die early ???#im never gonna retire im never gonna own a home im gonna be stuck in these slumlord houses for the rest of my life#and im tired of waiting for it to get better because its not#too disabled to work fulltime not that id be able to find a fulltime job#but apparently not disabled enough for disability#its gonna be this endless cycle for the rest of my life#never gonna have enough money to live with my partner either#may as well give up on everything really#my art wont ever pay for my bills enough to live off of either anymore#im not popular enough to do that#cant live w my parents cuz i cut off shitmom and my dad has his daughters#im not even really part of their family in the end im more of an obligation#everyone would move on quickly too its not like anyone needs me#if u can ignore me for days or weeks i think youd find nothing would change
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Hi there - I just wanted to pop in and see how you’re holding up. I hope the days have been landing gently for you. — June
💕 it’s been hard, though every day feels 2% lighter. his passing really hit me and, selfishly, it made me reflect on my own struggles and the loneliness that sometimes comes with them. nothing like what he went through, but it’s tough not having anyone close by to share this kind of sadness with. i’m trying to take this as a reminder to reach out more and work on building new connections.
i’m endlessly grateful to be part of this fandom, where kindhearted people like you reach out, and we’re all here together in this. i feel so lucky to have amazing friends and mutuals online that i can lean on. i hope you’re doing okay too, June. sending you lots of hugs!💕
#putting this in the tags bc its nothing life changing and i dont want to sound like im sharing tips#but im actively hunting for distractions that comfort me#i started reading again! last time i touched a book was in feb#i joined a book club in my city and cant wait to meet the girlies from there next month#signed up for a yoga class#signed up to steam and put some old school games on my wishlist that i might get at one point#made a list of cafes near me that i want to visit#and letting my friend take me to this workout class every week lmao we will see about that tho#hate moving my body but it does help clearing out your mind for at least a few hours bc you are busy sweating#answered#lovely people
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go back to sleep babe they disneyfied the silly little space show :(
#i'm sure i'll enjoy it and i'll continue to love dw#and things evolve and change and that can be good!#and it looks fun!#but don't you just feel that ache when you think about how it used to be#i feel it even more now i've started classic who#it's not about the characters or the actors or even the writing really#everything's just so. big?#and shiny and smooth#it used to be cosy :(#i'll get used to it and i'll love it#also the fact that it's on streaming first T_T#is nothing sacred#remember when you used to spend all saturday waiting for the evening#and you'd watch total wipeout or a question of sport or whatever was on before it#and then it'd be the best hour of your week#take me back
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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wrote a 6 page acid-fueled letter to my ex about how i’m still in love with him and probably always will be, blah blah blah . his reaction ?? asking if i want to go on a trip to montreal to get tattoos together
#he’s like ‘yeah let me know when and i’ll buy plane tickets’ like fuck all the way off oh my god. oh my GOD my poor confused little feeling#s#pegasus speaks#to clarify#he read the letter over xmas holidays & later that same day we hung out and did errands for 7h and talked about it once for like 10min#and it was awful and i felt like dying of shame#he told me he’d write a letter back once he had some time to reread it and think it over#it has now been three (3) weeks#& nothing has changed & we still talk all day every day . because he is my best friend .#and now i’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop .#this shit feels like fucking chinese water torture
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you know when you're really tired and you know you should go to bed but that means that you'd have to wash your face and brush your teeth and change and stuff. so you just. don't go to bed
#i'm having a really weird week#istg every time i am this stressed out it is email-related#i am waiting on an email and i might send an email#not need to send an email. might send an email lol#because if i send it either nothing will happen#or my life will change forever lmaoooooo#do u see what i'm working with do u see how i drive myself insane#rum.txt
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i really feel your tags on the self isolation post ❤️❤️
Big warm hug for you 🫂 all we can do is keep trying and not beat ourselves up over every misstep along the way <3
#kitkat answers asks#it's why im never mad if someone reaches out to me after weeks or months or even a year. we're all battling demons.#i will always be on the other side waiting. nothing will have changed for me. and I'll still love them just the same.
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