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shallow grave.
a comic about accepting when your relationship is dead.
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#i wrote that monologue in like three minutes#pure train of thought but i actually like how it turned out#this has been sitting at 'almost done' for weeks now#i got sidetracked <3 but im back#and i hope that anyone who can relate to sai's plight is happier now#the only reference i have for an experience like this involves longterm friendships not romantic relationships#but the breakup still hurts#one of these days ill make a happy comic#comic art#lgbtq#queer comics#hearteaters#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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the city tends to move on all the same...
#this has been sitting in my drafts for a solid three weeks now#i can't seem to make it any better so i may as well post it as is!#luke#moodboard#my moodboard#aesthetic#e*creations#shoutout eva for the vibecheck ily <3#never not thinking abt the botson postcard tbh#it haunts me
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i emailed my boss saying he needs to talk to the people developing a satellite i’m working on (unpaid) bc they’re giving me too much work and it’s unsustainable please clap
#the whole point of doing this free development for them is to be first in line for money to do the science once it’s launched#but the launch date has been pushed back AGAIN and now it’s getting launched after my contract ends#so if i don’t get my own funding to stay at this research institute i’ll be gone before science funding for this satellite comes through#and all this free work will be for nothing#except the vague nebulous statement on my cv that i’ve worked on satellite development#anyway this project is flat broke so i doubt they’ll pay me to do the work they want#so maybe no one will do the work? not my problem frankly#anyway i told them today that i won’t be able to do work on this satellite for the next three weeks bc i have two conferences#and a paper revision deadline within the next 3 weeks that will take all my time#and they asked me to do HOURS of work TOMORROW#so that is apparently my breaking point#and they clearly don’t listen to me when i say im overloaded so maybe they will listen to my boss
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I know I’ve made other posts talking about or alluding to this but like. obviously there are like the old hollywood movies in the sort of dyke subtext canon (all about eve, rebecca, johnny guitar, etc) but like. there are so many movies that like 10 people have seen but I have such a clear gay vision or interpretation for it. most of them aren’t even GOOD. and yet!!
like the great lie is the one that haunts me the most (or the women but I think that one is kind of different for me perhaps bc I’ve already talked about it here a lot or perhaps bc I think of it as being more well known and watched than I think it actually is? actually it’s probably that I think it is an overall good and well executed and entertaining movie which isn’t really true of most of these tbh). but I also think a lot about like when ladies meet, or old acquaintance, or sadie mckee, or the shining hour, or the model and the marriage broker, or a woman’s secret, or the bigamist, or craig’s wife, or born to be bad, or separate tables, or even dark victory to a degree. others too certainly those are just the ones that come to mind. for half of these it’s not even like oh these women are gay together it’s just like hey I think she’s a lesbian. and I’m right. but my genius will never be fully appreciated in my day unfortunately.
#a woman’s secret has kind of been haunting me since I watched it like a week or so ago in that it’s literally got so many interesting#pieces and facets and I find so much of it very interesting but they just like really don’t dig in or come together so it’s enough that#I think about it and not remotely satisfying which I’m beginning to think is just how I feel about nicholas ray’s stuff. I don’t really#have a large sample but like born to be bad is not a movie that I think is good but it has like infected me somehow. which i did and still#do largely attribute to joantaine. but like idk. and also I wanted to like Johnny guitar and obviously there’s a lot of interesting stuff#in there to dissect it just… feels unsatisfying/like it doesn’t come together. idk what it is.#also like it is fully sampling bias that across the three I listed as noted subtext and then all the others I listed#there’s uh. 4 joan crawford movies 4 bette davis movies 3 joan fontaine movies#but it’s still really funny to me lmao… I will say how did I not list ANY babs movies… that can’t be right… I mean like night nurse#and ladies they talk about def have some gay moments and like. walk on the wild side exists lmao#but I wouldn’t really consider any of those to be consistent with the thing I’m trying to describe here lol#anyways. I think that’s enough rambling for now.#old hollywood#my post#also I would happily expand on my vision for any of these lmao. it’s just that I think it generally requires a certain familiarity with the#movie itself and. a lot of these I wouldn’t necessarily recommend? not that they’re all bad just like. not incredible idk#which kind of hinders this a bit. and now like I could give background provide clips etc but then that’s requiring a level of effort#that I’m not gonna spontaneously exert while sitting in bed Thinking. which is what this post is lmao. (‘that’s enough rambling for now’#I said several tags ago… a fact which I could easily change but shan’t.)#(edit of prior tags to say that I wrote the tags before mentioning the women in this post bc idk for a moment I lived in a world in which#everyone knew the women was about dykes. so anyways it’s now 5 joan movies 4 joantaine movies#which is neat. the sampling bias is also fun bc like yes 5 joan movies is a lot to mention but I’ve seen like 30 joan movies so.#of course there are other movies of hers where I would be calling her gay but like im less invested. joantaine is a lot funnier to me bc#I’ve only actually seen 7 joantaine movies. and like ok including the bigamist is admittedly wild given that my queer interpretation of it#is like. her and ida lupino who do not so much as meet in the film. but the extent to which I wish they did fuels me)
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hi i have been inactive for a while due to the chk chk boom. hope you understand.
#HI HELLO BESTIES I WISH I COULD UPDATE YOU GUYS BUT I HAVE BEEN SUPER BUSY AND CONSUMED BY THE HORRORS™#basically im moving out the country in like four days so packing has been a whole ordeal#not to mention i'm procrastinating feeling my feelings#my three month gre prep plan turned into a one week prep reality T-T my unofficial score is 321 out of 340 which is... idrk#i was in the middle of a lot of things and given the level of time and energy i was able to commit amidst the chaos... it's not too bad.#OH ALSO i got done with the round one registration for my courses today and it was a MESS#(technically only the in-dept courses were due today. the ones from the other depts were due 17th. either way. the website was being cruel)#oh and as for out-dept courses it's a different procedure but I managed to get Intro to ML! absolutely insane given my meager coding skills#as well as my shaky understanding of engineering calculus. in other words welcome back my arch nemesis slash lover miss mathematics#oh and! all my friends are also moving away which basically means the past week has been meeting my besties and trying not to cry#i've been reading a bit as well! i read assistant to the villain and it was simply the cutest book ever i need the sequel SO BAD#OH AND GOSE IS BACK so that's been fun#so yeah that's what's up#i really wished i had more time to update on here I had a really cool idea for this week but i've been too exhausted sighhh#hope you guys have been doing well also please feel free to text or tag me on posts i might not be able to reply but i love reading updates#sending lots of hugs and chocolates to all my beloveds <3#oh oh also please go check out skz's comeback it's so good!#okay it's like 12:26am now ima go sleep now gnight byeeee#megumi in the tags#megumi.fm
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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separating dental insurance from normal medical coverage and making it fucking impossible to navigate is evil, actually
#i don't have a dentist rn because i have switched insurance 3 times in 3 years#and i just got my new insurance in january and i never got a fucking insurance card#anyway this tooth issue from a couple years ago came back in force last week#and so I'm trying to find someone to look at it but most places don't take emergency patients if you haven't been there before#half the dentists in my area are known for telling people they have 30 cavities so i do NOT want to walk in with an actual problem#and there's a dental urgent care but they don't say what insurance they take and my insurance phone tree is not telling me what is fucking#covered#jesus fucking christ#and I don't know if I'm looking at a couple hundred or ten thousand dollars here#i think this tooth is going to have to go eventually but i don't know if it has to go NOW#screaming#maybe i just do not eat any hot or cold food for the next three months????#op
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thinking about how i used to make memes for pretty little liars and arrowverse shows the way i do tlou
but instead of like scene by scene posting i would post the WHOLE episode under a read more cut until tumblr made that impossible
and now all i can think about is HOW did i have the time and dedication and creativity to do that WEEKLY for FOUR SHOWS
we're talking 200-400 memes PER POST because it was the WHOLE EPISODE and i had to catch up on seasons 1-3 on arrow with 21 episodes in each season
anyway just thought of that :)
#bestie im on week 3 of episode 2 of tlou#sure this is like round three of doing episode 2 so im running short on ideas atm#but still the show has been out like 6ish months now??? maybe 7/8 ????#how was i doing 400 memed whole episode posts 4 times a week#crossover weeks were a nightmare and the most fun ive ever had i wanna do it again
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im having a bad stressful week. i would fucking destroy a bag of cheddar & sour cream ruffles right now
#its actually the only thing that could fix me#personal#i had a fraudulent charge made on my credit card so i had to cancel it#my medical insurance is lapsed and i dont know WHY so i cant use it and no one will return my phone calls#i still have three teeth i need fixed and i cant afford it out of pocket so i need said insurance. lol#and my mom has been sick for a while now but shes getting progressively worse and wont let us help#so i was GOING to go pick my sibling up this weekend and bring them to mom's with me so we could have a conversation about like. getting-#-her more help but i asked mom if we could visit this weekend thru text on monday morning and she still hasnt opened or replied to me#which like. could mean nothing#but also lol what if something happened and no ones told me yet! what if she fell and hit her head again. who fucking knows#also ive been working 6-7 days a week lately <3 hell on earth#anyways blah blah will probably delete im just so. burnt. the kind where youre in the kitchen making coffee and then suddenly youre sobbing
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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wrote a 6 page acid-fueled letter to my ex about how i’m still in love with him and probably always will be, blah blah blah . his reaction ?? asking if i want to go on a trip to montreal to get tattoos together
#he’s like ‘yeah let me know when and i’ll buy plane tickets’ like fuck all the way off oh my god. oh my GOD my poor confused little feeling#s#pegasus speaks#to clarify#he read the letter over xmas holidays & later that same day we hung out and did errands for 7h and talked about it once for like 10min#and it was awful and i felt like dying of shame#he told me he’d write a letter back once he had some time to reread it and think it over#it has now been three (3) weeks#& nothing has changed & we still talk all day every day . because he is my best friend .#and now i’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop .#this shit feels like fucking chinese water torture
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I am thiiiiiiiiiiis close to throwing my laptop into the canal.
#my touchpad's driver has been giving me grief for weeks#i'm tired#the canal isn't even full this time of year it's drained#it's empty#i'm just tired of this stupid electric rock not cooperating with me#You're 3 years old Hyades#you shouldn't be dying on me now#you're supposed to be better than this#stop acting like a literal three year old and just work with me!#I already had to perform a clean reinstall#I haven't even finished getting my presets back on clip studio!!#stop!#I'm not going through this again!#fucking damn it!
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holy FUCK IA's voisona 2.0 is OUT
#sorry this is just a 3 second made solfege with all auto tuning i just got the update downloaded LOL#am i insane. was i just not paying enough attention to their twitters or was this like shadow dropped#i mean we knew it would come someday but i think i forgot that like#voisona seems to do this with their 2.0s. they barely build any hype they just give em to you LOL#girl so much is happening rn. ia and one 2.0..... takuto's voicevox bank was finally announced.......#i have so many things i want to draw celebration doodles of. so many.#also this is unrelated but downloaded ia's 2.0 made me realize i was like three or so versions behind in voisona#because i like never update things in general and also i didnt realize they had updated so much#BUT holy shit. they added so much stuff so many presets and fun little bits BUT SPECIFICALLY#the tune parameter... that changes how much autopitch it has.... holy shit#now you can make a full pitchsnapping thing.... or you can have a blank slate when doing ur own tuning.... awesome#the husky parametre is still a little strange tho. its uh. so in cevio its basically just breathiness#but in voisona is like. tense and kinda. wet? you can get a but of subtle breathiness but mostly it just sounds like theyre hissing#like a cat. which can be good. but i abuse breathiness and tension in other software so i would love some parametres akin to that#although you can get some of that through the presets in the properties at least#so i would love some easier ways to play around with softness and breathiness. you can kind of fudge it with volume but its tough#but impromptu voisona editor 1.11 first impressions review aside im so excited#i neeeeeed to plug in as many covers as i can right NOW just to hear her voice AUUUUUUUHHHHHHH#unfollow me now this will be the only thing i talk about for the next week etc etc#edit: like immediately after I posted this i went back on twitter to double check something and then saw the new#cfm news. jesus christ today has been crazy for vocal synths truly
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Everything day
#Had an Extremely long Game Day with smol today and I think it fixed my brain so that's great news#Past week has been rough!!!! Got hit with a semi-minor anxiety episode and a pretty serious depression episode to bookend last week#I'm all good it's just - took a bit out of me lol#Any number of things really too many to list so I'll just sum up as blegh - feeling better now#Started a new printing project!! Looking forward to that hopefully gonna do some test printing tomorrow#It Should work out well but pfbtl I can't count on my formatting skills for nonsense - shapes wtf are those#Been drawing <3 Been writing <3#Thinking quite very seriously about returning to doodle roots something awful#I tend to spend a Long Long time editing my stuff down by three different phases#Makes them very pretty! But I think I've had enough of that for the moment#New! Novelty! Needed and necessary and I'd rather Write about these than fuss more about how Pretty Or Not they are#They're pretty enough! I've made shapes on paper that previously didn't exist and now I can think about them as they are! Magic!#So that's the current plan - do still have One more step of editing to do before that lol but smol had offered me videos to listen to during#Good to have longer videos so I'm not constantly start-and-stopped#Oh and Pepper went into molt Again and just came out and he's genuinely gigantic now#And so dark! Handsome boy was a nice soft brown when we picked him up and so tiny small and now he's nearly black and huge#And so furry now he's definitely at least twice as fuzzy#Got him to eat - he was definitely hungry but he seems to be pacing himself still#Everything everything
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Do you know any good qsmp lore supercuts? I want to watch more qsmp content (since i've really only been following along with liveblogs; i only really watched wilbur's vods almost up to when the eggs were first supposed to disappear) but there's so much to watch and it doesn't all hold my attention.
https://youtube.com/@QSMPInfo?si=FUrtOTX89-XRWLvF
^^ this is the official qsmp lore recap channel!! honestly the best source I think you could get they condense so much of it so well. as for more recent stuff they haven't gotten to yet I'd recommend going on twitter (yeah i know I'm sorry 😔) and looking through your language of choices update accounts!! they're all run by official admins and have translated updates on every streamer per day. its a lot of lore but also liveblogging is how most people consume other lore, since there are people constantly streaming on the server. i look through the qsmp tag when i wake up in the morning and get home from school like a newspaper LMAO
typically I'd just suggest the twitter accounts, the recap channel, picking at least 2 or 3 different streamers to watch casually and looking through liveblogs. im a huge charlie guy obviously but I've literally never seen a cellbit stream before despite him being one of my favorite characters, I only know him through other streams and liveblogging. my spanish streamers don't stream on there anymore (cmon mariana and rubius D:) and so i mainly get Spanish updates from Spanish speakers on here!! point is you're doing great already LMAO just watch some of the recaps and look through the update accounts and you'll be fine.
(plus every stream they have to relay old information from one person to another so eventually you will get a lore info dump if you want to or not)
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#AUGUAHJGFHH IM SORRY I DONT HAVE BETTER ANSWERS LMAO I WISH I DID!!#best recap of the story over the past couple of weeks that no channels have really covered:#the federation (big bad) kidnapped the eggs from the parents while everyone was asleep. this wasnt this first time theyve done this but!!#this time felt much different. like they were really gone for good.#forever was given brainwashing pills by cucurucho (federation worker/census bureau for the island)#and these pills fucked him up BAD. he keeps hearing a ticking clock sound and whenever it gets the loudest he snaps and takes more drugs#bbh has been grieving and every stream he loses a little more color. he lost all of his color and streamed his 'acceptance' stream#where he kidnapped the drugged members and put them in cages along with torturing fed members to get them to talk#phil finally logged back on and with tubbo and fit's (? I think) help they covered the main federation building in cobblestone and lava#essentially just griefed the server as a threat LMAO#phil wrote and delivered a note that essentially said 'give the eggs back by the end of the week. or else'#then we got cryptic messages that cellbit decoded#they said: 'the answer is not in the center'#that all leads to todays stream where charlie tubbo and roier went to the center of a maze they found through coords#(that fred not the feds gave to them in 3 seperate books)#and there was a wheel in the center surrounded by all of the eggs items. tubbo spun it and it landed on 5#then lava poured from the ceiling and mobs spawned kicking all three of them out#now this saturday (or tomorrow i think?) is a huge stream that was teased a couple says ago with the roman numerals 2#and the spinny wheel in the maze was written in roman numerals#so we think todays stream and all the lore is leading up to something with the eggs tomorrow/Saturday i forgor the date#and thats basically whats been happening this past few days!! theres a LOT more lore than normal dw we have just been experiencing.#The Horrors. this isnt normal LMAO#qsmp#<- forgot to tag this
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looking at women online saying stuff like "men will understand oppenheimer but will come out of barbie not understanding that the patriarchy is hurting them as well" go watch one minute of revolutionary girl utena and your thoughts and universe will be expanded beyond what you can imagine
#typing this in a jokey way but god i am going insane. i will watch barbie in 3 years time but until then i refuse to believe it is doing#anything beyond month one of a femenism 101 course.#anyways being online lately has been nauseating. and now i have three weeks off class to ruminate on shit ohh boy#i do not at all consider my self chronically online but i do have habits of letting things sit and stir in my mind. i am working on it mwah
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