#sadly I must ignore the voices and actually work on my schoolwork for the rest of the week

[lavander-galaxy]

they are so cute I may die

@sonderfairy

[marauder--harder]

Replacements- A Sirius Black Imagine (Part 4 of Alone Together)

A/N: Sorry this took so long guys! I really wanted to get this part right and I hated everything I was writing for a while. But I think this is as good as it is going to get for this one. tbh probably not my best but I hope you still enjoy! 

Past Installments: Alone Together. (part 1) - Implementations. (part 2) - Routines. (part 3) 

For the next few days Sirius couldn’t shake his nervousness. He was in a constant state of anxiety, feeling more restless than he ever had on his nights alone. He tried distracting himself by pulling more pranks with the boys, purposefully getting detentions, and even doing his schoolwork on time. Yet, he couldn’t shake this feeling. It wasn’t loneliness, he knew that for sure. It was almost a feeling of dread any time he would think of you.

Come nightfall, the perpetual state of unease increased tenfold. As the two of you laid next to one another, Sirius was no longer at peace. His mind was reeling, clawing its way into a panic. As he held you in his arms, he focused all his energy into remaining calm. The thought of being with you set his stomach in knots, but actually laying next to you made him nauseous.

After the second night of Sirius’ anxious behavior, you began to worry. You sensed the change within him automatically, but he brushed you off when you had asked him what was wrong. At first you respected his decision, knowing that the young boy had difficulty expressing how he was feeling. Although, once you woke up to the sounds of him whimpering from nightmares, you knew that this was more than just the usual loneliness. Sighing softly, you sat up and shook the troubled boy sleeping next to you.

“Sirius, wake up.” Still, he tossed and turned. “It’s just a dream Padfoot, come on. Sirius, Sirius!”

Suddenly, his eyes opened and he sat up with a gasp. He looked around the room frantically and as he laid his eyes on you, he broke. Pulling you close to him, he squeezed you tight, mumbling incoherent apologies in your ear. The way he held you was desperate and shook you to your core. You had never seen the boy look so small and afraid.

“Sirius, honey, what’s wrong?”

Your voice startled him, shaking him from his trance and he dropped you immediately. Sirius’ mind had officially betrayed him as he dreamed of himself looking into a mirror with you, smiling on what seemed to be your wedding day. You looked absolutely stunning, both of you beaming at each other through the reflective glass. But as he continued to look at you, he saw your face turn into the wicked grin of his mother’s and he, himself, turned into the spitting image of his father. You were still smiling as you turned to look up at him, whispering in a low voice that made him shiver.

“Come now, Mr. Black, we’ve got to get going. I’m not going to wait around to become Mrs. Black.”

The feeling of mixed emotions swirling in his head chilled him to the bone. He was marrying you, and surprisingly felt happy; but he then realized that you both had become just like them. He didn’t want that for you, didn’t want that for himself.

Still shaking like a leaf, the boy ran a hand through his hair. He was on the verge of hyperventilating, and you didn’t know how to calm him. Reaching your hand out to cover his comfortingly, he flinched away and winced as he saw the concern deepen in your eyes.

“Sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” You asked, holding his gaze but making no attempt at anything further in fear of scaring him more.

Sirius took in a shuddering breath and shook his head. He couldn’t tell you of his dream, about any of the feelings he was having. He was completely alone on this one and didn’t know how to convey that to you. Searching for the right words, all the young boy could settle for was a simple, “just a bad dream. Don’t worry about it.”

You nodded slowly in response and started to lay back down. “Alright then, but if you change your mind, just wake me. Come on, let’s get back to sleep.”

He relented and as you slowly scooted closer, you felt him tense underneath you. Pushing your luck, your hand traced calming patterns on his chest. Slowly, the tension faded away and you felt him relax under you. Something in his mind scared him more than you had ever seen. Lying next to one another, for the rest of the night neither of you slept another wink.

In the morning, the two of you awkwardly pretended to wake up and went through your normal routine. You grabbed your clothes from your trunk and turned to him.

“Uh, just let me know when your done with your shower, yeah?”

Sirius blinked as he looked towards the bathroom. Every morning after the two of you woke up, he would shower and you’d pick out your clothes for today, then make the bed. It was just another nuance of your routine.

“Uh, you can go first today. I got the bed.” Maybe switching things up would help settle him slightly. Routines can’t be routine if they aren’t followed to a tee.

Nodding, you walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Sirius waited until he heard the water running before he stood and grabbed his wand to make the bed. As he sat there, waiting for you to finish, his mind wandered back to his anxious thoughts. He was entirely conflicted. Until he realized that he had fallen into a routine, he felt that being with you had always been comfortable, it had always felt right. Even after, when you were tracing patterns on his chest last night, he couldn’t help but be calmed by your presence. He didn’t know what scared him more--being like his parents, or falling for you. Trying coming up with other ways that he could break this routine he was in, he sighed sadly. It seemed pointless.

When you finished your shower, you walked out of the bathroom to find your room empty. The bed was made, but Sirius was nowhere in sight. Your heart sank in worry and sighed. Sirius usually didn’t keep up his walls around you anymore, and it hurt to think that he was pulling away from you. Maybe this arrangement wasn’t working after all.

You looked for Sirius, but it seemed like he was ignoring you. He wasn’t at any of his usual spots and when you asked the marauders if they’d seen him, they were just as confused as you when they realized they hadn’t. Thinking that he was probably off flirting with another girl, the boys quickly dismissed the idea of the missing Sirius. Yet, come nightfall, he still was nowhere to be found.

For the next three days, Sirius was aloof and scarcely around. The only time you saw him was when he was with the other marauders. You found no alone time with the young boy and your heart constricted painfully at your nights now spent alone. The loneliness you felt before was now mixed with the sadness that Sirius was purposefully avoiding you. You didn’t know what you had done to upset him so much, and wondered if his dream had anything to do with why he was acting so strange.

Flinging the covers off your bed, you set off once again for the boys’ dormitory. You were going to confront Sirius about his avoidance and try to clear this up once and for all. Padding down the stairs quietly, you stopped suddenly when you heard a soft giggle coming from the common room.

“Sirius, stop that tickles!”

You heard the voice loud and clear. It was obvious as to why Sirius had been avoiding you now. The usual heaviness you felt weighed you down and you turned on your heels quickly, walking back up the stairs.

How could you have been so stupid? Of course this is why he had been avoiding you. You had thought that he wanted to be with you, but he must have felt obligated. You were suffocating him. Sirius was, after all, called the biggest player at Hogwarts. He wasn’t someone who could settle down. Old habits die hard, and it was inevitable that he wouldn’t stick around for too long. As you rolled over, you clutched your pillow to your chest tightly, inhaling the soft scent that his cologne had left behind. No matter how much it hurt, the smell of his cologne still calmed you. Soon enough, you found yourself falling into a restless sleep.

You were woken to the sounds of giggles and owls hooting in the morning. Groaning, you tried burying your head in your pillow to drown out the giddy laughter of your roommates. However, after a few moments you knew it was pointless and got up for the day.

“Y/N, isn’t that just beautiful?!” Your roommate, Marlene, gushed and you turned to the direction of her pointing and jumping. You looked over at the bed across from you and saw owls carry in bouquets of flowers and packages upon packages of gifts. Alice simply stared at them in shock, a dopey smile on her face. It was her two year anniversary with Frank, and even if you were happy for her, the pit in your stomach grew. Large displays of affection were never your forte; however it hurt to think that you’d never receive that sort of thing even if you wanted it. You shook your head and got dressed, suddenly feeling that your room was becoming awfully small and you should head down to get some breakfast.

As you entered the Great Hall, breakfast was already in full swing. Tables were filled, students chatting away happily amongst themselves. You scanned the tables for any openings and smiled softly when you saw one next to Remus. It didn’t look like he was with the others and you missed spending some one on one time with your book loving friend. Aside from Lily, whom you only really got to see on the weekends due to her Prefect rounds, Remus was your only friend who shared your love for muggle books.

Walking over to him, you waved and sat down in the spot across from him.

“Morning, Moony.”

“Morning, Y/N. You’re up early today. Don’t you usually sleep in long enough to have breakfast with the others?” He set down his mug of tea and newspaper to peer up at you curiously.

You nodded, “yeah, usually. Marlene and Alice woke me up early this morning. It’s Alice and Frank’s anniversary and he decided to deliver his presents via owl this year. Marlene couldn’t contain her excitement. She probably woke up the entire floor with her screeching.”

Remus laughed, nodding in sympathetic understanding. “I know the feeling. When James or Sirius get excited over something there is no possible way to sleep in our dorm. It’s rather exhausting at times but what can you do.”

At the mention of Sirius’ name you deflated slightly. “You could hex them, I’m sure.”

Remus would have chuckled and agreed with you had your tone not have been so sharp. “I mean, I’m sure there are times where I would have wanted to.” Sensing the unease in his voice and the harshness in yours, you quickly changed the topic.

Surprisingly, the rest of the day went by without any issue. You and Remus decided after breakfast that you’d take an impromptu visit to Hogsmeade to check out the bookstore and restock on some Honeydukes. Then, you both went back to the common room and read by the fire, enjoying the warmth and company of one another. You hardly thought of Sirius at all today, and Remus realized that it was the reason of your souring mood when he mentioned him in a story he was telling you earlier. He made sure to avoid the topic to not upset you any further.

Yet, as the sun set and the day turned to night, the thought of your relationship with Sirius entered Remus’ mind once again. He looked at you, engrossed in your newest muggle novel and furrowed his brows. You had your hair down, and toyed with it gently in your hands as you read. He knew it was something you did when you were upset or nervous--he recognized it when you got caught by McGonagall in second year. Studying you more intently, he noticed the faint circles you had under your eyes. He thought back to what you had said to him that night of the last full moon. You and Sirius had issues sleeping. Yet, he didn’t ever seem to see dark circles under your eyes before. And now, the mention of Sirius’ name turned your mood completely dark. Something must have happened between you two.

“Hey, Y/N?”

You looked up at him from behind your book. “Yeah?”

The question left his mouth before he could fully think it through. “What happened between you and Sirius?”

At your frown and downcast eyes, he winced. Maybe now wasn’t the best time to ask you about it. For a long while, the common room was quiet. Then suddenly, he heard you whisper so softly that he had to strain to hear you.

“I don’t know.”

Tears pooled in your eyes as you thought back to him putting walls up between you. It was the same walls that the two of you talked about many nights ago. The young boy confessed that he had an issue where he shut people out. He thought that if he didn’t let them know what was wrong, then they couldn’t hurt him. It was then that he also told you how he didn’t feel that way with you. The two of you talked about how you both could be open with one another.

“I mean, I thought things were fine. Everything seemed fine. Then suddenly, he was just different. He stopped coming to my room, and I didn’t think he’d want me in his. He must have gotten bored of me.”

The sadness in your voice made Remus’ heart constrict in sympathy. This was exactly what he was afraid of. You got too close to him, too attached. Sirius probably felt that and left, like he always did. Remus knew that Sirius didn’t ever mean to hurt anybody, but that was just his way. He didn’t like to be tied down, and it was pretty obvious.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I didn’t know that he stopped showing up. Are you- can you still sleep?”

Tears now streaming down your face, you couldn’t bare to speak. You shook your head and sniffled softly, trying to hide your obvious emotion. You hated seeming weak, like you needed someone else just to feel okay. Even if it was true.

Remus reached out and pulled you into his arms protectively. Rubbing soothing circles into your back gently, he let you cry on him. Sobs wracked through your whole being, and chilled you to the bone. All the nights that loneliness was kept away by the comfort of Sirius came flooding back, and you felt such a heaviness in your chest that you couldn’t breathe.

“Do you want to stay with me?”

The question shocked you and you pulled away to stare up at the person you loved like a brother. “What?”

His cheeks grew warm and he smiled smally, “I meant, do you want to spend the night with me? I know I am not Sirius, but having someone there might help. It’s okay if you don’t want to, I’m not forcing you or anything.”

The force of your hug made Remus lose balance slightly and he chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes, then?”

You laughed softly in reply and squeezed him tighter, “you’re the best friend I could ever ask for, Remus Lupin. You are such a good man, don’t you ever doubt yourself. I love you so much.”

He wrapped his arms around you tightly, and smiled as his heart swelled with affection towards the girl that he now knew was the sister he never had. “Right back at you, kiddo. I love you too.”

Later that night, as you laid in Remus’ bed, snuggled in one of his comfy sweaters, you smiled. You may not feel tired yet, but being with one of your best friends did seem to lessen the pain of being so alone. Yet, as the night ticked on and you stared at Sirius’ empty bed, the ache in your heart grew again. Sirius wasn’t coming to bed, which meant that he was out with some other girl. All your fears were confirmed, knowing that you really were too boring to keep Sirius around.

Even if it did help sleeping with Remus, you knew that you couldn’t knowing whether or not  Sirius would come to sleep alone in his bed each night. The thought of him sleeping with other girls, or worse--not sleeping with other girls, would keep you up more than the loneliness ever could.

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