#made a list of cafes near me that i want to visit

[fadeintolight]

Hi there - I just wanted to pop in and see how you’re holding up. I hope the days have been landing gently for you. — June

💕 it’s been hard, though every day feels 2% lighter. his passing really hit me and, selfishly, it made me reflect on my own struggles and the loneliness that sometimes comes with them. nothing like what he went through, but it’s tough not having anyone close by to share this kind of sadness with. i’m trying to take this as a reminder to reach out more and work on building new connections.

i’m endlessly grateful to be part of this fandom, where kindhearted people like you reach out, and we’re all here together in this. i feel so lucky to have amazing friends and mutuals online that i can lean on. i hope you’re doing okay too, June. sending you lots of hugs!💕

[heartsforhamzah]

hamzah al-emad x barista reader ˗ˏˋ☕ˎˊ˗

coffee kisses.

— hamzah started coming into the cafe you work at because his usual was closed for renovations. he wasn’t one to love change, but this also meant he wasn’t willing to give up coffee..

— the shop was small, and local. not many people came to this one as it was in a pretty secluded part of town, and most didn’t even know it had been built a few years back. the only customers you had were men who came in everyday hoping today would be the day you’d say yes to going out on a date with them, busy mom’s, or people like hamzah who’d just put “coffee shop near me” into their gps. the coffee was amazing, the pastries were to die for, and you could say that your customer service was great. 

— his order was simple, easy to remember, and he was major sweetheart who always tipped you much more than you thought you deserved. every time you saw his car pull up, the order was made to perfection and some sort of doodle was draw onto the paper cup.

— given he was extremely attractive, and his manners made his so much more enchanting, you were feeling bold. the shop was empty, your coworker was on break, and it was only you and the curly haired boy in the cafe. hamzah stood looking at his phone, waiting for his order as the machine was having some difficulties. you called his name, and handed him the cup which you had written “for my favorite customer”. hamzah thanked you, not even bothering to look at the cup until he had entered his car. the second he’d read that his mind was all over the place. had this cup been for him? who else would it be for? did you like him as much as he liked you?

— the next time he visited the shop, he’d finally worked up the courage to ask for your number. 

“could i have your number. im sorry if that’s weird.. it’s fine if not, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” he asked, shyly fumbling over his words.

“i’ve been waiting for you to ask,” you giggle. you handed him his cup with your number written on the side.

— the two of you would facetime, and hangout, first as “friends” but you both knew you’d never be “friends”. the mutual attraction that neither of you would admit was the elephant in the room, both of you too afraid it would scare the other off. 

— the second you got together, dating rumors were all over. not that you minded. you adored being able to call the brunette yours. your dumb videos posted about being a barista were suddenly viral and business at the shop was doing so well that you’d been given a raise. 

he would posting pictures of you in you’re uniform with the caption “barista of the year!!” 

— the kisses shared between you two tasted coffee-like and maybe that’s why you were so addicted to him. you were hooked onto his touch, you craved the feeling of his lips on yours. you both loved your “coffee kisses”.

tag list: @miaquesadilla @reeseisinapiece divs are by @/anitalenia , feedback encouraged

[phoenix-eclipses]

Casting Love 0.13 -- Kenma's Awesome Roommate

Your trip to the cafe had been short. Makki and Mattsun had asked for you to come talk to them, joking you had been showing clear favoritism for the only member of your group who hadn't gone to Seijoh, but you only rolled your eyes and came to say hi to the two of them.

Even if you hadn't been planning to meet with Kenma, Makki had a class in twenty minutes so you all chatted while ordering your treats and waiting to receive them. It didn't take long before Makki separated from you two and Mattsun took it upon himself to walk with you to Kenma's building.

"Dang, I thought we'd be going to the one dorm building near here, not this place!"

"I thought the same thing when he said he was close to the cafe! Maybe his parents are rich, or something."

"Maybe you should try and date him, get that money." he nudged against you teasingly.

"Why bother when I got Tooru and Haji?" you laughed back.

"Fair point. Oikawa would spoil you to all hell." you both entered the lobby. "Do you want me to come up to you to the room... if I'm even allowed to?"

You stayed silent for a moment, remembering the system Kenma had explained to you. However, a part of you felt like it was a bit sketchy and would prefer to keep people knowing about it. As close as you were with Mattsun, he did frequently accidentally let secrets out.

"Nah, I don't think they would. Last time I was here he talked to them so they'd know I was with him. Doubt they'd let you in without him down here, thank you though."

"No problem, just don't drop the bag or your drinks." Mattsun waved to you before walking out of the lobby, probably to return to his own dorm. You let out a sigh before heading to the lady that sat at the desk.

"Excuse me?"

Despite you speaking, she didn't bother to even look up at you, she just let out a small hum to show she had heard you.

"I'm here to visit Kozume Kenma. He's on the 7th floor." as you spoke, you began to wonder if Kenma had even be telling the truth. In a building like this, surely they'd have higher security. But before you could even think to call Kenma to prove you were here for him, she scribbled something down and placed a card on the desk in front of you.

"That'll get you into the elevator." she still didn't even look at you, returning to her work. You took the card, still skeptical this could be some sort of joke, and walked to the elevator, swiping it just as Kenma did. Immediately, the light above the elevator went off, showing that it was coming down to the lobby.

It didn't take long for you to get up to the seventh floor and arrive to Kenma's door. You knocked on the door despite having the card and Kenma opened it for you.

"Hey," he greeted, stepping away from the door and letting you close and lock it behind yourself.

"Hi! Here's your drink and apple pie," you place both onto the counter in the kitchen. He lets out a hum, grabbing out his laptop and placing it beside them. "So, looking at this list, I think we should figure out where we can easily buy the majority of these from, to try and avoid paying for shipping from several places and to get them all near the same time."

"Easiest would probably be Amazon then."

You nod your head, pulling out your own laptop and opening up the notes you guys had made and the Amazon website. Kenma didn't bother opening his, simply sliding his chair closer to yours as you began looking for all of your items.

You two spent nearly an hour picking out the items. In some cases, you both decided it'd be better to create items out of clay instead of buying something else due to the price or for lack of items that appeared as you both wanted them. By the time you guys had everything there, you went to the cart and forced yourself not to show your severe problem with the cost it had totalled to.

"Okay, how do you want me to send you my half?"

You sat for a moment, thinking about the best way. You didn't have any apps that were frequently used for monetary sharing for obvious reasons, though you did know Oikawa's information for most, but that would no doubt raise some questions for Kenma. You instead double checked the kind of phone Kenma had before speaking. "Send it over with Apple Pay?"

He shrugged before opening your guys' conversation and sending over his half. Thankfully due to previous insistence from Oikawa, you had his card saved just in case so you saved it to that card before using it for the items you guys had.

"Hm." you stared at your laptop.

"Hm?" Kenma prompted you to talk.

"Do you mind if we have these go here? We've had some issues with packages being stolen at my dorm."

"Sure." he shrugged, reaching over to enter his mail information before you guys finished checking out.

"Well then! I should probably get going."

Kenma gave you a small nod, standing up to throw away your guys' garbage as you collected your things. Just before you sat up, the front door opened to reveal Kuroo.

"Kenma! I've returned!"

"Okay," was all Kenma said as he came back to you. You let out a small laugh at his simple response.

"Hi Kuroo," you greeted as he walked into the kitchen with you two. The man let out a small, clearly faked, gasp at you being there.

"Hello again! Did I disturb you guys on project stuff?"

"No, you're fine. We actually just finished up!"

"Great timing then. Did you want to stay for dinner, Y/N?" Kuroo offered. It was then you noticed he had some grocery bags.

"Oh," you glanced to Kenma who wasn't even looking at you. He had gone to his phone. "No thanks, but thank you for the offer, I should probably return before my roommate gets worried."

"Are you sure? I promise I can actually cook!"

You let out a laugh, "I'm sure you can cook just fine Kuroo, I'll come back some other time for dinner."

"I'll hold you to that!" there was some silence as you swung your bag over your shoulder. "Say, Y/N, could I have your number?"

"Huh?"

"Don't go trying to date my project partner," it was the first time since Kuroo had walked in Kenma looked up from his phone. The accused man held up his hands with a smile.

"Not, promise. I just thought it'd be nice since you guys'll be working together for this semester. In case something happens and you can't tell them, so I can!"

"Makes sense," you shrugged, pulling out your phone to him. "Enter your number, I'll send you a text when I get home."

Kuroo happily did so, taking a quick selfie on your phone which made you laugh and Kenma roll his eyes, before your phone returned to your pocket.

"Now then, I should get going. Bye! I'll see you in class Kenma, and whenever I see you next Kuroo!"

Kuroo excitedly waved at you, nudging against Kenma to make him look up and wave to you. You laughed before walking out, closing the door behind you.

0.12 -- Masterlist -- 0.14

Notes

My current desperation to write the Oikawa SMAU is infecting everything, so if there's like way too much Oikawa love going on in these, SHUSH, he's like- kind of a platonic lover in here

I love Kenma, but man is dry asf and no one can change my mind. Like he WILL be talking more/being less dry in the future but especially when they're not even considered friends we getting the dry treatment guys

Also Ima be honest I don't really know how the like apple pay through messages works so don't overthink it, I just had to make it work

These were supposed to be out yesterday but I got like a massive migraine that wouldn't go away so I didn't feel like arranging everything so I didn't <3

I'm going to be home alone Wednesday-Friday which either means Ima get so much done or nothing done, so I guess we shall see then

These notes are totally not me procrastinating more on cleaning my room (totally)

Taglist

@staygoldsquatchling02 @walllflowerrrsss @oyasumeii @rinnylvr

@bi-bi-papillon @ris-krispie @madiexuberant @giocriedpower

@lunavixia @singleandlonely @yuminako @from-mae @3lectraheart

@kodzusora @skycasin0 @scinclaitnoir @itsdragonius @d3ly-p4v

@anqelkoz @kodzubaby @mirtaspace

Fill out this form to be added!

(bolded if I can't tag you so double check your settings <3)

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (09)

prev // next // series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 11.4k

warning: brief smut scene, shitty writing here & there, pls stop reading immediately if anything makes u uncomfortable!

summer isn't anything like your school experience so far, which is a good thing.

instead of sticking to your dorm room or the cafe nearby all day, you at least went out; to lotte world when both of your friends wanted some thrills and proceeded to drag you through a near hell experience where you almost fainted from a ride and stayed beside mingi to nurture him after because he's still the same 'ole scaredy cat you know him to be, who gets easily nauseous.

they also took you to your first ever bar and ordered you a cocktail drink named after something you cannot remember, but it was all super extra and too sophisticated for your taste.

you might've gotten a tad drunk; the experience not at all like you imagined, and attacked mingi with a few kisses, though you have suspicions it wasn't all your doing considering mingi had been eyeing someone across the bar all night who was giving him the same coy look back.

but if you're to ask him, he'd probably just tell you it was nothing serious; just a one night thing. and maybe not exactly sexual but a couple flirty exchanges, that's it. you know how he is.

but the first few weeks of you guys running around like bachelors not tied to anything but just having fun comes to an end when minji called, finally able to free up some time to pay a visit to her boyfriend and friends she hasn't seen in a while.

yunho was the most happy and excited you've seen him ever since stepping on seoul's soils, when minji arrived at the dormitory and ran into his arms so fast, it made you sick to the stomach at how sweet the scene was.

she had planned an entire list of her own of things to do together and was elevated to reveal the first activity on that list much to your dismay, because you guys had already done something similar a couple weeks before.

"come on, guys! it's gonna be fun!" she cheers, arms wrapped around one of yunho's and jumping on the way to the lobby as both you and mingi trail from behind just a good amount of distance because the matching shirts the two has on makes you guys not want to associate yourselves.

"i could think of a million other things to do than go to another amusement park," mingi comments; his snarky tone causing minji to stop as she pulls yunho along, her head turning and shooting lasers toward said boy.

"you didn't even have to come!" she rolls her eyes.

"well, i wouldn't want y/n over here to be third wheeling the whole time."

it's your turn to roll your eyes, not at all fazed by the banter because you know it won't be the last one of the day, just wishing it will pass soon enough so you guys can make it there before the sun sets.

"pfft," minji brushes off, tugging you by the hand and making you stumble a few steps forward until you're pulled right next to her, shoulders touching.

"we are very inclusive!" she adds, and you shoot a rather simple smile in return, knowing the minute yunho does something cute or vice versa, you will be long forgotten.

"yeah, sure, whatever," mingi dismisses, reaching out for your wrist as you're thrown back next to him like a tossed ball. "but she's gonna need me if you're going to be dragging her through those scary rides."

minji scoffs. "i think you're the one that needs her."

for a moment, it looks like mingi's about to say something back, until his eyes fleet to something else in front of him; his towering height allowing him to see over the two.

"hey, yeosang!" yunho's the one to start, his attention on the boy long before any of you caught notice.

it's the way you snap your head so fast, only able to see half of his body as yunho's figure covers the other, but you don't miss the way his gaze skips over to meet yours, conjuring up a knot in your throat as you swallow it down.

you haven't seen him since that night, whether your schedules just differs now, or that you pretty much went out of your way to avoid him, it feels weirdly nostalgic and wrong seeing him again.

"hey!" he waves a bit awkwardly, but genuine in the sense he looks happy by the coincidence.

he has a bag over one shoulder and his hair is a little disheveled; skin also glistening that tells you he just came back from a pretty tough day at work.

"you came at the perfect timing."

"looks like it." he chuckles, and oh... you hate how deep and melodic it sounds. "you guys can go ahead. i'm just gonna put my things back and i'll catch up soon."

one of your eyebrows raise immediately at that.

"oh, it's fine. we can wait."

yeosang hesitates but eventually give in. "alright then, i'll be quick."

you wait until he's out of sight to say something, eager to confirm the suspicion.

"you invited yeosang?" you don't sound hostile or aggravated, just in complete awe.

"yes, just thought you'd enjoy some company. mingi's probably going to run off on you sooner or later."

mingi's face twist, offended at the accusation. you on the other hand, is completely cornered in this situation with no other way out, knowing you're going to have to be in kang yeosang's presence for the rest of the day.

unbelievable.

it takes two rides for mingi to decide he's had enough, and another one for you to follow in his footsteps, situating yourself next to him before stealing a quick gulp from the water bottle.

"hey, want to go into one of those mirror house? whoever makes it out last has to pay for cotton candy," he proposes.

"you are so childish," you wave off, holding in a tiny giggle. "i'm sure they have a height limit for those things."

"that's so fucking whack. they should have one for adults, cause maybe then we could actually be having some fun on the ground," he says, eyeing the gigantic and quite horrific ride in front of you guys.

"weren't you the one hauling ass about going to lotte world a few weeks ago?"

"well, yes, but that was before i threw up all over my fucking shoes."

you chuckle lightly, scoffing before rolling your eyes.

"over there," you say, nodding your head off to one of the booths. "go play a game or something. win yourself a stuffed animal, and maybe you can give it to the hottie that was at the bar."

he shoots you an unamused reaction.

"bitch, i literally told you it was nothing. and those things are hella rigged."

you don't retaliate with anything; only smile to yourself as you move your focus back to watch the movements in front, gaze trained on the way it swings back and forth, erupting sounds of muffled screams that could belong to either one of the three or maybe all.

it's when you feel mingi shifting in his spot that you turn to him, but his attention already on someone else: a new arrival whose face you've never seen before.

"ayyy, man!" says the stranger, hand colliding with mingi's for some bro handshake.

"hey! didn't think i'd run into you here," mingi replies, laughing off the chance of seeing a friend from school.

"how can i not? entrance is only a dollar today!"

mingi's laughter intensifies at the comment, nodding understandably. that was also the reason minji wanted to come. the park had the special deal only once a month during summer.

"want to tag along? me and some of the guys are just gonna be walking around, checking out some stuff and whatnot." he shrugs.

"ohh..." mingi lets out loosely, neck snapping to you with a delay in his expression. "actually, i came with my friend here and a few others."

he talks like he's informing his friend about why he cannot accept the offer, but it sounds a lot more like he's trying to save face because you're right next to him.

"oh, hey!" his friend suddenly bringing a hand forward to greet, finally grasping your presence all this time and realizing you're not just some random who happens to share a seat with mingi.

"mark. mark lee," he says; your eyes roaming his boyish features that makes him look rather cute.

"y/n," you reply simply with the smallest smile.

"i'm sorry. i didn't realize he's with you." mark rubs his neck awkwardly and even bows a little as an apology.

"oh no." you shake your head. "you two go ahead."

mingi exaggerates the pout on his lips. "aww, i wouldn't want to--"

"--go," you cut him off. "i'll tell the rest when they get back."

"well, if you insist..." he mumbles, standing up and flashing you that goofy smile of his, taking the empty bottle with him. "i'll see you later then."

"yeah, see you later."

"thanks, y/n," mark's the last to speak of the two, both bidding you a goodbye before disappearing into the crowd.

you could never be mad at mingi for simply being a social butterfly, reminiscing all the times in the high school he'd go off with his other group of friends because he made them easily.

whereas you're content only being around people you're very familiar with, mingi enjoys getting to know new individuals; expand his pool beyond just the small circle he's accustomed to.

he can't always be with you and yunho. you guys are a bit boring sometimes. but at the end of the day, he will always return, and the label "best friends" is reserved for none other than you two.

the ride finally comes to a stop shortly after; people getting off at the side and you search until you recognize the three of them, minji signaling with one of her hands up until something else pulls her attention away, fast to drag yunho along to one of the stalls selling some sparkling merchandise.

yeosang is stranded, unsure who to follow, eventually settling on you when he meets your eyes, his hands in his pockets as he make his way over.

"hey," he mumbles the greeting.

"hey," you reply back as casually as possible, like you weren't just dodging him earlier like he's the plague, sticking to mingi the entire time and avoiding any scenarios that would call for an interaction.

"mind if i sit down?"

you shake your head, scooting over to make some space.

he takes the seat, a small grunt leaving his lips as he does so, and both of you don't say anything, the silence consuming for at least a moment; eyes only observing the events happening around you guys.

"so... how was it? the ride," you ask, hesitant at first but feeling like you should try at least. that would only be the right thing to do considering the progress made before.

but it seems like every time you talk to him again, it's always a little awkward at first. you don't know if it's just a quirk that comes when you go from hating each other's guts to being able to somewhat stand the other's presence, or if it's just an effect yeosang has.

"not too bad. i expected more, honestly," he answers, tone lighthearted and a bit amused; just the right direction in order to get you out of your shell again.

"tskk." you hide a tiny smile, scanning over the ride just one more time. "good to hear, i guess."

"yeah. i think you would've enjoyed it, though. too bad you gave up after the third one," he teases, eyes straight forward and all casual as if he isn't trying to poke something.

"at least i made it to the third one. mingi gave up after the second."

he shrugs. "to be fair, it was a spinning teacup."

"we were barely even steering the wheel."

"the third one was a carousel, y/n."

"it was going in circle and making me dizzy!"

he chuckles, shaking his head along.

"you two really are one and the same."

you retract momentarily, not sure how to feel about the comparison to your best friend, but as different as you two are, you're also more alike than you'd think.

"speaking of mingi, where is he?" he searches the area before his gaze falls on you; the swell in them incredibly endearing.

"he went off with some of his friends from campus... the usual."

"and you didn't want to go along?"

"well, i couldn't just leave yunho."

you both immediately shoot to yunho and minji still by the merchandise stall as minji holds up a shirt to yunho's chest for sizing before she picks up a smaller one for herself.

"i think yunho's good," yeosang states the obvious, biting back the amused tone.

you sigh, cranking your neck to admire the night sky with yeosang imitating your posture before he looks at you, a question on the tip of his tongue.

"how's summer so far?"

you pry away to level his gaze, your eyelashes fluttering in motions staring into his own to what seems like forever until you can think of what to say back.

"very good. did you know that you can get a month's supply of free drinks if you complete a rather bizarre challenge?"

he laughs, eyebrows pinched together in confusion.

"i definitely did not. which place?"

"mhmm," you hum, trying to recall the memory of when you read the sign before going in, but unable to remember anything about the place other than it looked like every generic bar you've ever seen on the web but with red lightings.

"i'd have to ask yunho or mingi again, if you're interested."

"doesn't sound like my kind of thing, but i'd be down to see someone else do it."

you smirk, pulling away to inspect the sparks decorating the nightly sky once again, muttering a simple, "we'll see."

minji and yunho have moved to a different stall--one that looks like it sells jewelries; minji catching you in the mass when she turns back to check, waving the bracelet in her hold, and you react with a thumbs up before turning to yeosang's side profile in your view.

"have you visited your parents, yet?"

he nods, eyes lingering on yours and full of confidence as he holds the eye contact as if he plans to do it all night.

"yeah. the first week of break. how about you? thinking of paying your hometown a visit?"

you shake your head in response to the question, the more you think about it, the more you just feel sad. guilty.

you would honestly love to see your hometown again, why wouldn't you? it's where you grew up; lived your whole life, met your friends, and made so many memories.

but where and who would you go back to? your aunt and uncle aren't gonna be exactly excited to see you back, and you don't want to bother mingi's or yunho's family more than you already did.

there's nothing left there for you.

this is your home now; in the comfort of your two best friends who you hope will stick around long enough because you don't have anyone else.

"not any time soon, i don't think. mingi and yunho have other ideas, and then minji has a list of her own."

"i see," he acknowledges. "there's just never a dull moment with those guys, huh?"

"well, to start it off, we haven't even been here that long and i'm already stuck with you. make of that what you will."

"is that a bad thing?" he raises his pitch, but the delivery is playful.

"not at all," you assure.

the assumption that you need someone else by your side in case your best friends run off was ridiculous at first (though not out of reach), but now seeing for yourself that's exactly what happened, it's almost like they knew that would eventually be the case.

but at least yunho was considerate enough and had you in mind when inviting his roommate.

"okay, cool. you made it sound like being with me is some sort of punishment."

you snicker lightly.

"maybe. maybe not," you tease, quick to act aloof and shift your focus to yunho and minji as they grow farther away, completely forgetting the fact they didn't come alone.

but yeosang does a good job of keeping you occupied the way he always does. small comments, a few bickering here and there, and eventually playing catchup again, pouring in your curiosities about each other.

the night starts looking optimistic again just like that; together and carrying on conversations and exchanging gestures effortlessly, you realize there's two things you have forgot.

one being how easy talking to him is, and two being you're not suppose to be talking to him or even interacting by any means.

san only came because wooyoung wouldn't shut up about the once a month deal at an amusement park they have to go to.

after annoying each and every one he considers close to him, he gets san and seonghwa to show; hongjoong too busy even during summer to spare a day to spend with his friends.

he isn't on board at first, really would rather just be home and sleeping the night away, still able to feel some symptoms of his hangover from the day before.

but once they get past the entrance, he notices just how many familiar faces there are, it seems like this summer deal went around fast and just about everyone and their mothers are here.

the guy over there sitting down at one of gaming booths with red veins decorating his forehead, san knows him from biology. and just another couple steps forward that has already taken him to a completely different scene, is the redhead he got to know from one of wooyoung's parties.

then a left turn and three or four bodies pushing past him later, is you and yeosang seated at one of the bench, a bit shielded behind the railing of a ride and the walking of people, but he knows it's you.

that long, straightened hair that falls over your shoulders nicely onto your chest, and a pretty smile on your face while you chat with the boy next to you like you've known him forever.

he sees red; heels digging into the ground and stopping to watch the scene as his knuckles curl together.

"hey, man. you good?" seonghwa's voice take his attention briefly; san's eyes fleeting to meet his and nodding.

"yeah. just looking around for a restroom. hey, look, you two go ahead. i'll call or text after i'm done."

"alright..." seonghwa complies. wooyoung is behind him and skeptical about it all but nods nonetheless, watching as san walks away and pulls out his phone promptly.

~

you kick the air under the seat, swaying your feet back and forth, indulging in the hot summer breeze that glides past your skin; yeosang taking note of the act and once again mimicking you until one of his feet accidentally brushes against yours that earns him a glare, but he laughs it off.

yunho and minji came back once to ask if you guys wanted to look around the shops, but you kindly turned down the offer in order to recover from the dizziness that's still mildly present.

and for yeosang, sitting down and relaxing was a lot more appealing than following behind his friend and his girlfriend.

it's only a few seconds later that you let out a silent snicker, thinking back to the dinner where you guys played footsie under the table; the dynamic you guys had then entirely something else that it brings a subtle smile onto your lips when you think about where you two stands now.

the laspe of comfortable silence is broken when a buzz goes off in the beige crossbody bag you brought along, pulling it into view and grabbing for your phone. the drop in your expression would have yeosang believing you saw a ghost; the manner in which you pale instantly and a nervous gulp travels down your throat.

🟣: hey beautiful. is it okay if i come over tonight? miss you 💕

after you were told to stay away from san, and you, well... didn't, it's just too risky keeping his name even if the chance of mingi or yunho snooping your phone is low, you're not about to test your luck.

so you changed it, to something as simple as his favorite color. quite uncreative but that's the least of your worries.

"what's wrong?" yeosang's concerned tone brings you back, your head whipping up and thrusting the phone back into your bag.

if there's one thing (among others) you're awful at, it's being discreet and not being more incriminating than you already gave away.

"nothing," you reply, faking a faint smile but it's ineffective when yeosang raises a brow in turn, his body language questioning the authencity of your answer, but then who is he to interrogate?

"alright. well, you want to go look for yunho and minji? or is there something else you have in mind?"

"we can go look for them," you tell him, in which he nods, standing up to wait for you.

he leads the way and you trail just a little behind him, trying to shake the text out of your thoughts. you're here with your friends and you're suppose to be having fun. surely, you can answer san later and tell him you were busy.

but another part of you (the one that will truly be your demise) has an itch to answer him; tell him, yes, he can come over tonight. and though you saw him just yesterday, you already miss him as well.

because actually getting out of the comfort of your dorm and bubble you're used to isn't the only thing that has made your summer experience all more different than the school semester.

san has been so good to you lately. he doesn't leave right after sex nor tries to rid of you if it's at his place. he stays and lets you sleep on his chest; listening to the sound of his heart beating--such an intimate act that isn't sexual pricks your own heart in an entirely different way.

he'd tuck you in his arms and allow your head to rest on his shoulder when you're both watching a movie picked by him because you'd always let him choose, so eager to just know more about him and the things he like.

he'd even listen to you when you'd tell him about your day with your friends, and he'd nod and hum like he's digesting each of your words, it made you feel so happy, wishing he wasn't a secret you're keeping to yourself because you two only meet when no one else is around.

seeing yeosang is busy trying to spot the two, you take the chance to rummage for your phone, thumbs pressing the letters as fast as you can and shoving it back, catching yeosang at the perfect time when he whips his head around.

"found them," he announce, and you just nod, attempting to rid the apprehension on your face and hoping he doesn't take notice.

yunho and minji sees the two of you before you fully arrive, smiling warmly and ushering their hands to welcome.

"okay, good. we were just thinking about looking for you guys," says yunho.

the trip is over a lot faster than you had expected, unsure if it was because your brain was on autopilot for the remaining duration, or the fact the carousel once again brought upon a slight headache that probably messed up your sense of time.

being the only one of the bunch to live in the other building, you walk to your room after departing from everyone else, replaying the last conversation you had with yeosang about him going in to take his things and sleeping at another classmate's room for the night since yunho has minji over.

yuna isn't around, not for the usual reasons, but because she left for jeju only a week into summer break, having told you her family's also flying out to kyoto after.

you wished her a good time and joked about getting you a souvenir, but knowing how yuna is, there's a chance she's gonna do it.

feeling dirty and sweaty from the day, you grab a towel to go wash up at the shared shower room, drying your hair once you get back and putting on a pair of shorts and an oversized t-shirt.

you busy yourself with your phone, even going back to the message you sent san, which he only hearted but didn't reply to.

y/n: you can 😊 i'm just out rn but i will be back later

you wait and wait, eyelids falling more heavy and your blanket turning softer, you almost cave into sleep until a knock at the door gets you up so fast; an adrenaline that courses your body because it can only be one person.

"hi," you greet in a soft voice, growing shy at the man before you.

the quilt stitch sweater and jeans he has on make him look so handsome. but someone like san will always look good regardless of what he wears.

even his slightly messy hair as if he just woke up from a nap can't hide that; especially when he's bareface and flushed in the cheeks.

san gets red easily, and it's something you've noticed and absolutely adore; the color painting him as more pure and innocent.

"hey," he says smoothly, walking in as you back up for some space and waits for him to shut the door behind.

he does a once-over of your current state before one of his hands caresses at your moist hair.

"already showered?"

you nod.

"and you couldn't wait until we get it over with?" he tease with a sly tone, a smirk on his lips.

"you were taking too long."

he chuckles at your answer, expression eventually dwindling down to just a smile.

"it's okay. we can do something else tonight," he says, pausing slightly to think before continuing on. "how about a movie again? you up for that?"

"anything's fine," you agree, really just glad you're able to be with him.

"cool. well, i should probably take a shower first." his eyes bat away suddenly, landing on something else behind you.

"one of those towels yours?"

you confirm with a nod, turning around to retrieve it and handing it to over, a warm smile on him when he accepts.

"okay. you can pick what to watch. i'll be back."

he places a peck to your cheek before sliding himself out the door.

you felt awful about it at first, and you still feel awful about it to an extent--seeing san behind your friends' back when they warned you about just how awful the outcome of it will be, and you even gave them your words.

but after the first week or two of sneaking around with him, some of that feeling kind of just dissipated, replaced by the fear and anxiety of getting caught because you always had trouble lying to mingi and yunho. it just isn't you.

well... it wasn't you before san came into the picture.

but this lie, if it is to ever be discovered, you will not only be risking the friendship, but it will be near impossible to ever gain their trusts again.

for now at least, it won't hurt them if they don't know; though, you're not sure how long you can keep running around like this, but you figure you might as well go the full mile until you can't anymore.

from the previous movie nights you two shared, you learned that san likes a lot of superhero movies--something you didn't expect but intrigued you greatly, you even took time to learn their names and origins so you could talk with him about it and not be in utter confusion when he'd refer to someone or something.

you want to pick something he likes; something you know he'll be into, but worrying that you'll wind up picking such an incredibly lame superhero movie since you're not that knowledgeable about the genre, you decide to choose something you're more familiar with.

and because you're a bit of a hopeless romantic, you just have to settle for a romance flick.

"so, what is this film about?" san asks, still damped from the shower, sitting next to you and smelling of soap and shampoo.

you bite the side of your lips and hum out the thinking process.

"i'm not too familiar with the plot either, but i heard it's good."

he simply nods. "let's do it, then."

the movie plays on the laptop situated on both of your laps, and you nuzzle your head on his shoulder; the movie definitely is interesting and one you'd find yourself enjoying if you weren't so tired, still managing to process what's on the screen but not what's happening.

you don't even respond to some of san's comments because they completely fly over your head, but he doesn't seem to care, rather opting to laugh at your state.

but it's not his laughter or the loud fan overworking to rid the summer heat that jolts you awake. it's when you realize a quite explicit sex scene is happening--one you have no clues or ideas of how it came to be.

just that you're flustered in the face because this is the movie you chose to watch with san, and he has noticed your reaction immediately, unable to help the smirk that crawls out.

"if you wanted to do it, you could've just asked."

you release your head from his shoulder at that and scoff it off.

"i didn't even know the movie had one."

because no matter how many times you sleep with him, the subject will always catch you a little offguard; and especially when you weren't even thinking about it.

it's still san and he still makes you feel like a giddy school girl.

but although he enjoys the reaction, the one thing hanging on his mind ever since he saw you back at the park still hasn't left: yeosang.

why were you talking to him again, and why did you look so happy doing so? of course, the request was in the moment; him too jealous and taking his anger out on you, but so far, you seemed to have complied.

he don't think you saw anyone else besides him but your friends, because between the trip to his house and the nights he'd spend in your room, that was all you had to talk about.

he's not cruel enough (give or take) to keep tabs on you, and you also don't come off as someone who would lie to him because he knows you're always too sweet and too easy to persuade.

"where did you go earlier?" he asks, the abrupt question throwing you off as he just switches the topic of conversation like it's his nature. as if he doesn't know where you were, but he couldn't think of any other way to bring it up.

"i was with mingi and yunho, at that amusement park that had the summer deal everyone kept talking about."

your response is surprisingly relaxed, totally unprepared for the next question that leaves his mouth because after all, you have no idea he was there himself and saw you with his own eyes.

"just them?" he tries to keep from letting the bitterness slip, the image of you and yeosang once again consuming his thoughts.

"well, and yunho's girlfriend. she came to visit."

"hmm," he hums an unsatisfied tone and nods his head, not a single words uttered after, probably because he has a feeling sooner or later, you will slip up from the guilt--which is very much sooner.

"y-yeosang was there, too," you admit, maybe feeling slightly guilty but not to an extensive point because you didn't do anything wrong. not with yeosang. "yunho invited him along."

"oh..." san almost sang, mirth dancing in his eyes.

"yeah... we just talked and stuff."

and stuff. san would've laugh if not for the pang of jealousy that runs through his system at how vague you're being. if you're quite literally trying to protect whatever you have with this guy.

"and what do you think about him?" he lets the envy talk, not sure anymore about being discreet but just that he wants to know what you and yeosang have.

the fact you actually ponder the question for longer than you should is concerning, because the truth is, you have really warmed up to him, always skeptical at first but finding out there was nothing to worry about.

you feel comfortable being with him just as you'd feel being with mingi or yunho. in short, yeosang is a friend. yeah... he's like a friend to you at this point... you think.

"mingi and yunho really likes him, and he's been pretty good to me so far," you tell san, looking up at him and trying if you can read into his reaction but he just gives you those stiff eyes before following it with faint smirk.

"you like him?" one of his eyebrows quirk up, anticipation written all over them because he finds enjoyment in how you recoil immediately before shaking your head.

"not like that," you almost hissed, flustered san even asked.

and it may have sound a bit ridiculous to you, but for someone like san who has been around, he will say he has a pretty good grasp on what exactly girls find attractive, and he can say yeosang is a good looking guy.

he's just a tinier bit bulkier than him and definitely looks a lot more approachable with his softer features and probably nerd tendencies, because san is more of a one time thing, and yeosang is likely someone you'll be tied to for life. girls love that.

well... girls like you. which is why he won't be surprise if you have some kind of hots for yeosang with the amount of times you've been spending with him.

"he looks like he definitely has a crush on you." his gaze peers into yours for a stare down, because he's willing to bet yeosang shares some of the same sentiment back.

you're just way too sweet, soft-spoken, nice, pretty--

"not true," you deny. "we didn't start on good terms and had a lot of misunderstanding. we barely just started talking to each other normally not that long ago."

"so you don't like him at all? not even in a i-kind-of-wanna-kiss-you way?"

you shake your head, this time more aggressive than the one before.

"no. why? you sound like you want me to like him."

he chuckles, the utter puzzlement on your face too cute for its own good, the jealousy and bitterness from before dissolving at that.

"just want to make sure, baby," he coos, pulling you into his arms and wrapping them around your body warmly, the side of your face hitting against his chest; the thump of his heartbeat in your ear.

"want to make sure i'm the only one on your mind," he repeats as you draw back to gawk at him, tracing the innocent smile decorating his lips.

"i'm sorry that i didn't tell you sooner about yeosang," you apologize, your eyes so pure and full of sincerity--such a contrast to his that holds a million other intentions behind them.

"it's fine. i know now," he affirms, and you're just glad it's over with, because though you can't really understand why he doesn't like yeosang (also because there's nothing to worry about when it comes to your feelings for him), you wouldn't want to upset san.

a silence sit between you two after, a stare off ensuing as you keep your gaze up and sniff the freshly showered scent from him that sneaks past your nose again.

"would you like to go on a trip?" he asks, snapping you out of the trance.

"a trip?"

he confirms with a nod.

"a trip out of the city."

the excuse you managed to come up with was that the school you're working for has a summer program and you're gonna be away for a while; the lie slipping out of your mouth so fast, it's sickening how it's almost a habit at this point.

having told them you will be gone for a week (because that's how long san said the trip is gonna be), you encouraged them to carry out the rest of the plans on minji's list without you.

it was hard to look them in the eye when they cheered you on and wished you the best because you won't be taking a cab to the school but to the boy who promised you a week of fun somewhere out of the city he still hasn't told you the name of.

he only brought a lone duffel bag, throwing it into the back of his car before helping you with your rusty suitcase that is rather light since you figured you can just recycle a few outfits. it's not like you have much to choose from.

even when you're sitting right next to him in his car, eyes sticking to his side profile as he starts driving, it still feels like a very vivid dream--being with him in a place that isn't your dorm or his apartment.

the very fact he asked you to come is mind-boggling as it is, but it's no use to linger on the thought; just be happy for the opportunity and enjoy the moment while it lasts.

he warns you ahead of time that it's going to be a long drive; no words on how long exactly, but long.

the conversation is tame, a few comments from him here and there as he passes a couple places he frequents before turning the music on. and you would be lying to yourself if you haven't thought of it before--what kind of music does choi san like and listens to?

it's not much and is very bland in comparison to the backlog of questions you wish you could ask him, but you believe someone's music taste can tell a lot about a person, their preferences, and even your compatibility.

it's not a secret you look at san through a rose-coloured glass and still do, wondering to yourself if he listens to some exquisite genre you've never heard of before just because he's choi san and anything in relation to him will always amaze you.

but after all, he's still just a guy. a really hot and attractive guy who is somehow giving you the time of his day, but knowing he doesn't listen to some hidden genre only people like him would know makes him a little more reachable, relatable; that in some ways, he's also like you.

it's a mix of trendy pop and ballad songs that you know the lyrics to if you're to sing along. but when san said it's going to be a long drive, he wasn't kidding.

you knock out halfway, the memory of mumbling the lyrics to a girl group song the last thing you remember before it goes black.

when san wakes you up later, you have no idea where you are. just that the sky is turning dark and you're parked at what looks to be a small neighborhood, able to spot about three houses down the street.

"you good?" san speaks, your head snapping to him before nodding, at the same time attempting to fight the tiredness.

he smiles at your exhausted state, unbuckling himself from the seat.

"we can start heading out and get our things," he tells you before opening the door and you follow behind shortly after, unable to help the awe that leaves you when observing the surrounding now that you're not just seeing it through the window of the car.

a clear street in the middle of a couple houses that are all white but has slight brown roofings; the style and the trees in the area makes you feel as if you've entered an enchanted forest that holds a series of cottages.

it's only when san unlocks the back that you finally pry away from the scenery, walking over to where he is to get your suitcase.

"where are we?" you ask.

"namhae," he answers with a proud smile on his face, shutting the trunk.

"namhae?" you repeat, having heard of the place before somewhere in one of your classes in high school or something. it's a coastal region, you also remember that.

"yes," he confirms as you follow behind him to the door, watching as he pulls out a few keys that's stringed together. "my dad was born here."

you twitch in interest at the revelation, following him into the inside of the house that is a bit misleading and not at all decorated like a fairytale, but in rather simple and clean white. from the walls to the marble flooring, and even the ceiling fan hanging above the big open space.

"you can put your things upstairs. the bedroom should be to the right. i'm just gonna check the back real quick."

you follow what he tells you to, trailing up the spiral staircase into the small indoor balcony overlooking the living room protected by a white railing.

the bedroom is also simple and follows a similar color scheme, two nightstands on each side and a medium-sized dresser right across the bed.

a window with curtains is the only other thing in the room, and everything looks entirely new, not a single sheet wrinkled, as if the place has never been used before. you think about how san even got the place, if it's an airbnb though you don't see a host around. but then, you've never had an experience with an airbnb so how would you know.

by the time you're done unpacking and stuffing your clothes into the dresser, you still haven't heard anything from san.

you go back down the stairs and head for the sliding glass door, a stylistic choice that is completely different from the front, taking yourself out into the air of the evening, amazement befalling you once again just at the new sight.

san is leaning on the fence overlooking the view ahead of him, and you start making way over, stepping around the pool because he seems to have already taken notice of you the second you closed the door.

once you settle next to him, your breath is taken away instantly. you can see the ocean from here; the waves hitting against each other and producing a sound surprisingly soothing to the ear. it's beautiful.

it just hits you the house is built on a hill, the way it looms over the landscape and looks at it from above.

"i haven't been here in such a long time," he says, your eyes batting to him.

"it's really beautiful," you add.

"it is."

you both admire the sight for a few seconds too long, the cool air from the ocean flowing to mix with the warmer one, creating a sea breeze that sweeps your hair away and make you shiver with how the cold pricks your skin.

"we should probably head back inside. i still have some unpacking to do."

you nod, taking note of the orange tone painting the sky along with a deeper blue as everything falls into an ambient darkness.

the first day in namhae spent settling in and familiarizing yourselves with the environment (even san because he hasn't been here in a while), wandering the interior of the house while he sorts out his things upstairs.

when finished, he urges you to wash yourself and go to bed early, informing you of the day waiting ahead tomorrow.

and after he's done following the routine as well, plopping down on the bed as you observe his movements, it comes so naturally that he sleeps facing you, a smile on his lips that makes something deep in your stomach sink.

if this is okay--being with san like this and in such a way that's different from any others--yet, you still can't help but to also feel a small amount of happiness from it all.

"goodnight," he whispers, lounging forward to set a kiss on your forehead.

"goodnight," you reply, a small smile on that dims along with the nightlight he turns off.

~

you're alone when you wake up; san isn't next to you and it's quiet, no other signs that he could be downstairs or in another part of the house.

the sun peeks through the blinds and hurts your eyes, having to squint the brightness away before you head with soft steps out into the small space that is barely a hallway and into the bathroom to make yourself more presentable for this fine morning.

you thought he might be out in the back but he's also not there, deciding to busy yourself with preparation for breakfast instead, but only met with disappointment when you open the fridge to nothing; a deep sigh leaving you followed by the creak of the front door.

"hey," he greets in a high-pitched voice, delighted by your figure standing in the kitchen.

"good morning," you say in a sweet tone, doing a once-over of him in his usual casual wear with dark parted hair, face bare and skin flaming that red tint that makes him so cute.

"i just went for my morning jog and talked to a couple neighbors from around the block. they seem nice."

you smile and nod.

"i see. i was just about to make breakfast but there isn't anything in the fridge, it looks like."

is it weird to assume a place you just checked into last night would have all kinds of fresh ingredients layed out for you? you have no idea.

"oh, yeah," he exclaim, "i haven't stocked up on it, yet. was planning on doing it today. we can hit the store after i change out of my clothes?"

you nod again, almost too eagerly.

"yes, we can do that."

it might just be your infatuation and lovesick mind speaking, but san even makes such a mundane task like shopping for grocery, enjoyable.

watching as he just so casually strolls into one of the aisles and pick up something from the shelves, you wonder how it's possible someone like him just walk around breathing and looking like that everyday.

"do you like rolled omelette?" he asks.

"i love rolled ommelete."

it was pretty much a staple for you back then. didn't require much and was fast and simple to make, though you did went through a period of withdrawal from it because sometimes, that would be the only thing you ate for days.

"cool."

he grabs a few other essentials but tells you if there's anything missing, you guys can just order delivery or maybe visit a nearby restaurant. it's only when he already finished paying for everything that you realize all this time, you haven't done jackshit to help him.

"how much was it? we can split the bills," you offer on the way to the car.

he chuckles, almost laughing loudly.

"my treat, y/n. don't worry about it."

but all this time, he's been doing and paying for everything, the guilt is not easy to shake off.

"but i feel bad." you frown, and he smirks at the adorable act that just comes so effortlessly to you, he don't even think you're aware of the possible hold you have on him.

"then you cook," he says with something mischievous and playful but also flirty, "i know you're probably good at it."

you take up the alternative, making yourself comfortable in the kitchen while he goes in and out of it, always spewing comments that would make your heart leap inside your chest with his flirty smiles and hands that find its way around your waist and every other parts of your body like it was made to be there.

he eats with you at the counters and won't stop gushing out compliments as if you just made the most complex dish out there and absolutely nailed it.

your reaction is a combination of rolling your eyes, telling him he's being dramatic, and battling the shy smile at his words that truly makes you feel so giddy on the inside.

you're absolutely adorable, he thinks. it's a bit crazy how long he's gone without touching you when he's had every chance to; when you're laying yourself out like this, he just wants to make you feel good the best way he knows how to.

which is why the following day, after walking around the neighborhood together and watching a couple older films, he suddenly suggests the idea of going to the pool.

"i don't know how to swim," you confess, which he just chuckles in return.

"i'll teach you. it's humid as fuck, we might as well put the thing to use."

"i didn't bring anything to wear for the occasion, though."

"what you're wearing is fine," he alludes to the crop top and shorts you have on. "unless you want to change into something even more revealing?" he smirks, not the slightest doubt that you'll look sexy as fuck in a bikini or swimsuit. but this will do, considering how hard you made him this morning just seeing your top ride up to display your stomach.

"i'm good," you say, even giggling a little before he sweeps you away by the wrist out into the back, the temperature a lot cooler due to the ocean breeze but that still doesn't mean you can't dip your toes into the pool. and that isn't going to stop san, either.

the dark hour is lit up by the hanging outdoor lights and the inground ones close to the fences.

"come on." he rips his shirt away while you gawk, jumping into the pool and making splashes, the sound of his body plunging into the pressure loud against the quiet night.

a smile tugs on your lips at the sight and you settle for sitting down on the edge instead, sinking half of your legs into the water that is surprisingly a lot warmer than you had expected.

you watch him go a few rounds across the pool before he lands right back to where he was, hair and face now wet, facing you.

"you can do more than that." he swipes a handful of hair back while saying so, proceeding to stare at your feet underwater kicking only slightly.

he's hot as fuck and his body will always amaze you no matter how many times you see it.

"i'll just watch," you say.

he pouts and tilts his head to the side, in hope you'll feel guilty enough to give in.

"it's not that deep," he adds onto the convincing.

but seeing how the water stops just short of his shoulders, there's a good chance you'll be spending your time in there choking because you're so much shorter than he is.

you're just about to say something when the sudden wetness felt on your face and drenching your clothes stop you. san is smirking as one of his hands continue to flick the water at you, and you pause momentarily before kicking the water under your feet at a much harsher speed towards him.

he's the one to laugh first and you follow after, your laughters bunching together to create a heartfelt moment that warms you unlike any other interactions you've ever had with him.

"alright alright. i'll come in," you give in, sending just one last kick of water to his face that makes him giggle.

you spring in carefully until almost your entire body is wet, and well, you were right. it comes up to just a little above your chin, treading carefully until san finally takes the initiative, both his grip on your hips and helping you withstand the possibility of swallowing a few drips.

"you good?" he asks.

"yeah," you reply, but you hold onto his shoulders just in case, checking the area around, grunting when he pulls you into his chest that gets you to blink up.

he looks unreal in this lighting that only makes his skin glow more from the pool water.

"how about now?" he whispers, that seductive and teasing color in his voice that always make you shutter in excitement.

"good," you answer all innocent eyes and with a sweet tone but you've been wanting him as much as he's been wanting you.

the days and times of being with each other, doing everyday tasks and even sleeping side by side at night, and it's now that choi san is half naked and in a pool that you think you're ready to have sex with him again.

it's a short stare off until his hands creep to the sides of your face and he takes your lips in for a deep kiss, the grip you have on his shoulders tightening along with the intimate act.

he kisses you like it's going to be the last time, like he's trying to savor the taste so he can remember it for the rest of his life.

your hands fall from his shoulders to his bare chest, your fingers drawing messy patterns on it, and he removes one hand to circle your waist in order to pull you up when he feels you faltering into the water.

he draws back after a few more seconds and looks you in the eyes.

"do you want to?" the question always foreign to his tongue, having never asked anyone but you before.

"yes."

"then i should probably head back to get a condom."

you shake your head and prevent him from going, the itch between your legs now speaking.

"you can pull out?"

ever since the first time you guys had unprotected sex, there's been two or three other similar instances--san having told you how much better it feels, but condoms is still a priority.

the topic of birth controls come and go. he didn't pressure you or anything, just subtly suggested it, but that's still just a consideration for now.

he can't help but to smirk, not at all going to resist because there's absolutely no way he will let up the offer of fucking you raw.

"you asked for it, baby," he leans to whisper into your ear, pulling back in amusement at the light tint across your cheeks, growing hard from thinking about sex in the pool--one of the places he haven't done the deed in--yet. and the rest of the night is history.

he fucks you in the pool, your hands hanging onto the edge as he takes it from behind, and he fucks you one more time in the shower when you two go to wash off the chemical.

it's by far one of the most amazing sex you've ever had with him; if not, the most amazing for sure.

by the end of the night when you're both trying to sleep away the exhaustion, a dull pain resides in the deep of your chest staring at his closed eyes and unmoved lips.

~

the glass of wine in your hand looks like it's on the verge of spilling from how loose you're holding onto it while laughing at something san said.

he's laughing too, but you can't see his expression well due to the darkness; the only source of lights being the two scented candles he had lit up standing on the coffee table.

there's a jazz song playing quietly in the background, and everything about the scene and situation feels like it was taken straight out of a romance film.

you're mostly just tipsy while san is probably drunk, having drank more than you and is a lot more bubbly than he usually is, recounting stories he most likely wouldn't tell you if he was sober.

"that's crazy," you comment.

"it is," he says, taking another sip from his glass.

but whether he's more drunk than you or not, the alcohol is doing a good job of loosening the both of you up; questions running rounds in your head again that you might act upon.

"hey, san..." you mumble.

"yes?"

"were you born here?"

he shakes his head.

"my parents moved to seoul before i was born."

and because san is most definitely drunk, he's also more willing to answer them.

"do you have any siblings?"

"i have an older sister, but she's now living in the states. no longer here in korea."

"oooh," you sing, afraid you might be pushing the boundaries but your tipsy mouth a lot bolder and less fearful of the consequences.

"what do you like to do? what are your passions?"

you've thought about it before, and you still do. aside from being a walking wet dream, who is choi san? what does he like to do, what are his fears, his dreams, things he likes or dislikes? what makes him the person that he is?

it's like you know him, but you also don't, since most of the things you do know are very surface level.

"i'm not sure," is all he says, a small sigh of disappointment escaping from you that goes unheard. "i wanted to major in dance and performance, but..."

"but?"

"but i can't make a living or lifestyle out of it. so i didn't."

you frown at the pessimism.

"but you should still do what you enjoy, no?"

and he just laughs, downing another sip as you stare at him, the light in your eyes slowly dying. being drunk means he's also going to be a lot more honest; blunt.

"i just don't see the point in doing so if it isn't going to be worth it. i'm not gonna spend four years only to get a useless degree, no matter how passionate i am about the hobby."

you can't help the dejection that possesses you at his words.

“even if i answer, it won’t matter.”

you wonder if this is how he views the world--brushing aside things he sees that has little importance, and not trying when the outcome isn't going to benefit him.

you can be a bit of a pessimist at times, but if there's an opportunity, you think it's always worth trying. life is so much more than running away and not taking chances, but that could also just be you clinging onto anything because you've had nothing for so long.

"don't let it bother you too much," he snaps you out of your thoughts after the sadness that pierced your eyes become overwhelming.

he puts the glass that is now empty onto the table.

"i'm gonna go wash up."

~

along the things you brought on the trip, you also managed to squeeze in your notebook, taking it out silently under the clothes where you have buried it when you see san is fast asleep.

you take the chance to use your phone as lighting, jotting down an entry before sliding the book back to where you got it from.

entry #7

talking with san today made me really think... is it hopeless and not worth it if you can't be sure of the result? i don't know. i was definitely scared when i finally took up on yeosang's suggestion and talked to a counselor, opting out of a major i'm no longer passionate about in order to go into creative writing. maybe that's cowardice of me to not give it another chance, but i'd like to think i'm trying, by exploring my interests and opening the door to something i might enjoy doing.

san wanted to take you out to the local market after having spent most of your time indoor.

there's many vendors all around, some kids running through the streets and parents behind shouting their names. it's very lively that it's quite pressuring because you're not sure where to start.

"we can shop for something to cook for dinner?" he asks, glancing back at your figure behind him.

"yes, we can do that."

you follow him the entire time, going from vendor to vendor and letting him do his thing since he's more familiar with the place and people--of which there's a lot, some even brushing past your shoulders due to how crowded it is (also doesn't help that the place is quite small).

san tells you it's unusually busy today although the traffic is moderate every other day.

he takes the lead as you both stroll in a straight line to a vendor all the way at the far corner because he saw something he wants to purchase. then it happens so fast.

one minute you were still right behind him, and another--you're gone. san only realizing he's lost you when he swings his head back to do a quick check and you're nowhere to be found.

a sense of panic surges through his body, his eyes batting left and right to search for you but it's nearly impossible with this many people, he's not even sure how long you've been gone exactly.

he thinks about calling you, only to curse internally when he remember that you decided to leave your phone back at the house.

turning his feet back around, he goes to search for you, no idea whose shoulders he's knocking into or which direction the curses at him are coming from. just that he needs to find you.

it takes him at least five minutes of shoving through the crowd until he spots that familiar head of hair and outfit, your body bending forward and picking at something on your leg.

"y/n!" he shouts, grabbing your attention as you pick your head up to look at him, your eyes swelling with hope.

but his face twists instead when he sees what you were picking at. a fresh bruise on your right knee that's starting to bleed, he runs to you so fast until he's only inches away, anxiety all over his face.

"what happened?" he asks, volume high like he wants the answer right this instant.

"i was looking for you and i just fell. that's it."

he sighs and shake his head.

"can you walk?"

you try by taking just a step forward, only to whimper in pain.

he seizes the bag you were holding and turns his back to face you, lowering his height and ushering you to get on.

you're hesitant at first but you don't think you can win san, so you hop on and circle your arms around his neck as he moves through the tight open spaces to an area near the entrance where there's less people, setting you down on the edge of an old fountain.

he places the bags on the side of you and gets down on his knees to get a better look at the injury.

"it looks bad," he says, looking up at you. "we can return to the house. i can treat you there."

"you sure you don't want to buy anything else?"

"i'm good. it's too packed here anyways."

the drive back to the house is quiet, you have never seen san so serious like this before. it's only when you're almost there that he finally speaks.

"i'm sorry. i should've held your hand or something. or even let you walk first."

"it's fine, san. we both wouldn't have been able to see it coming."

he piggyback you inside the house again, completely forgetting about the bags still inside the car.

settling you gently onto the couch, you watch as he speeds upstairs into the bathroom before coming back with a first aid kit, bending in front of you.

"just letting you know ahead of time, i've never used this thing before."

you chuckle and assure him it's okay, staying still so obediently while he dabs some of the blood off and wraps the bruised area with elastic bandages.

"your friends are going to kill me once they find out not only did i take you somewhere four hours away, but i also hurt you during the process."

you chuckle again at the comment, though a lot quieter this time, staring down at him with a question that's been hanging at the edge of your lips ever since he brought you here.

"san," you call out sweetly, making him pull away from the injury and to your eyes instead.

"may i ask why you decided to bring me?" out of eveyone else.

your question must've snapped him back pretty hard; from how the tiny smile on his lips falter and he just stares at you dumbfoundedly, because even he's not sure about a definite answer.

it could be that he likes being with you since you're so sweet and nice, or that he's selfish and wanted you all to himself--away from your friends, and especially away from yeosang.

"because i'm comfortable around you," he simply says, a lazy answer that he knows you're most definitely not convinced by although you're smiling in return.

"i-uh... i gotta go back to get the bags inside the car." he awkwardly points behind him to the door, and you just nod, so conflicted by what just happened.

choi san being so tender and caring is dangerous and not good. especially when you live in your head so much--detaching yourself from reality and dreaming of another one where things go how you want.

you can blame yuna's stupidly good arts that watches you through the nights more often than not; that painting of love displayed in front of a castle feeding ridiculous ideas into your head. but it's how you deal with all the traumas and hurts in your life.

by detaching, distracting, and hoping.

hoping that the look in san's eyes that were filled with concerns and worries mean he's starting to feel something because that's the way you see it.

the past couple of days being tucked in his arms and spoken to with sweet words even though you know it shouldn't be taken seriously, you can't help the story that builds itself in your mind--especially when he says one thing and then does another.

~

san's been trying to sleep for hours now, but he's unable to, the image of you so haunting whenever you'd look at him in a way he doesn't like at all.

even right now--your arms that are wrapped around his waist, he wants to pull them off--and your face that is in his chest, he wants to push you away; distance himself--because he's starting to get used to your touch.

to how natural you fit in his arms and how easy everything is with you; the passion to learn more about him irritating his nerves to no end but also warms his heart in a weird way.

he had slipped up earlier when you got hurt, he must've looked so insane because even he caught himself offguard with how worried he was.

one more day alone with you is already too many; these past couple of nights already overstayed their welcome, and so he does the only thing he knows how to: he runs away.

~

the sun is blinding the curtains when you're awake, getting up to lean against the headboard but groaning out when the pain from your leg reminds you of yesterday's event.

everything about san's appearance in front of you brings another series of questions.

he's properly dressed so early in the morning, folding his clothes and packing them into his bag.

"hey," you greet, unsure if he knows you've already woke up.

"hey."

"going somewhere?"

there's a quick silence that gauges the air before he answers you.

"we're going to be returning back to seoul."

"oh?" you raise an eyebrow. "i thought we still have two more days left, no?"

he tries to think of a lie, the first thing to pop in his mind is the one to leave his mouth.

"just got an emergency family call and they need me there by today."

"oh, okay." you just lightly nod. "i'll start packing too, then."

"yeah."

because one more day alone with you is already too many.

next // series m.list

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[funeral-grayy]

Summary: Kirishima gets you out of the house

Series Masterlist

Warnings: NSFW, minors dni, cheating, angst, comfort, slightly suggestive near the end

Tag list: @holywolfsstuff @hypernovaxx @nightriver99 @kyrah-williams

Chapter Four:

The walk to the cafe was nice, summer was easing into fall and all the bright oranges and reds were out. This was easily your favorite season, right as summer was turning into fall. The weather wasn’t too cold yet and still had the slight touch of summer to it. You hadn’t realized how much time had passed while you were holed up in the spare room. It felt short but three weeks was more than enough time for a season change. You vowed now you’d never let time slip away from you like that again. It wasn’t worth it and he sure as hell wasn’t worth it. Kirishima gave your hand a gentle squeeze, signaling your arrival and pulling you from daydream. This was a cafe you frequently visited with your friends, spending afternoons studying or just catching up. Kirishima led you to the back of the cafe and to a small table tucked in the corner. He was hoping you wouldn’t run into either Denki or Jirou but he’d figured it would be safer to be more out of sight. He wasn’t sure how you’d handle seeing either of them, now regretting his decision to bring you in public. He could have easily just made you watch movies with him or something. Fuck, he wasn’t thinking. He must have been obvious because you reached across the table and grabbed his hand. 

“Please stop worrying about me, I’ll be fine. I promise I won't go back to how I was.” You reassured him, giving him a sad smile. Your state must have really done a number on him, if he was worrying this much. Guilt quickly crept into your mind but you pushed it out, knowing there was no sense in dwelling on it. All you could do was try to be better and prove it to him. The waitress came by and took both of your orders from Kirishima, your eyes widening in surprise, not even realizing he’d paid that much attention to you. It’s true you were here often with him but it was always a group hangout, and you couldn’t remember anyone's order. How did he manage to remember yours? You didn’t have enough time to ponder it, as the waitress returned with your drinks. You and Kirishima fell into a comfortable conversation, you asking about his work at Fatgum’s agency and him asking about your schooling. You were in the middle of talking about an upcoming project when you saw a flash of yellow out of the corner of your eye. You could feel a lump starting to form in your throat, you hadn’t seen him in almost 3 weeks now. The minute someone moved out of the way and you got a clear look at him, all you felt was anger. You didn’t have any room for hurt, not with him. He didn’t look heartbroken or upset, no, he was currently looking down at his phone and smiling. So no, you weren’t upset or hurt, you were livid. You bit your lip and turned back to Kirishima, giving him a pained and very fake smile.

“It’s fine, just distract me.” You knew immediately he had caught on to your distraught look and put two and two together. Someone had walked in, he just didn’t know which of the pair it was. Kirishima reached across the table and grabbed your hand, stopping it from shaking so much. 

“Hey, hey look at me. Y/n keep your eyes on me. I’m so proud of you right now. You could have gotten up and stormed out or you could have caused a scene but you didn’t. You’re doing so good. You’ve come so far from 3 weeks ago.” You couldn’t have torn your eyes away from him if you even tried. His words felt so good to hear, making you feel warm and you knew he was being honest. He was right though. You’d come so far from the girl weeks ago. Even the mention of Denki’s name would have you in tears and running back to the comfort of the spare room, but now? Now you were brave and you could even be in his presence. You weren’t perfect though, of course you were angry and wanted to scream and shout. But you could reel those feelings back. “Why don’t we head home? I feel like watching movies and pizza would be a better option than this.”

“Yeah, let's do that.” You both quickly gathered your stuff and left the cafe, thankfully able to avoid being seen. The last thing you needed was Denki to see you with Kirishima. You imagined their friendship was already strained, hanging on by a thread and you really didn’t want to make it worse. The guilt decided to creep back in as you two made the walk back to the apartment. You hadn’t really had time to think about how this might mess up the friend group. What was happening to the weekly dinners? Had they just had them without you? Who was hosting them? It was usually Kirishima and Bakugo who hosted the dinner’s, seeing as their place was the biggest out of everyone's. But you hadn’t heard or seen anyone around the last few Fridays and neither of the boys had left. God, you hated how much this situation had affected this group of friends. You knew you weren’t the only one involved but it felt like it was completely your fault. If you were just removed from the equation, everything would be fine. You could feel yourself starting to spiral and quickly grab Kirishima’s hand. You knew you were overthinking all of this and getting worked up. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze, which in return grounded you. He had a way about him, he made you feel so safe. 

The walk back to the apartment was uneventful, the guilt almost completely out of your mind. Once back inside, you needed just a moment to yourself and went into the bathroom to wash your face. You were proud of yourself, you didn’t make a scene and you didn’t break down, two things you thought you would have done seeing Denki for the first time since you caught him cheating. You thought it would be hard to get over him, hard to get  past his cheating. I guess it was easier to hate him, than anything. You heard voices in the hallway as you threw some water on your face. They were hushed, but loud enough that you knew they were there. A smile crept up on your face as you patted it dry with a towel, you knew Kirishima had more than likely filled Bakugo in and now they were waiting for you to come out. You knew they were worried you’d retreat back into your shell but you had no desire to return to that state of your life. When you opened the bathroom door, you were right, they were both right there. Kirishima was at the end of the hallway, while Bakugo was right there, leaning against the opposite wall of the bathroom door. Kirishima knew to give you space but Bakugo didn’t give a fuck. He had given you 3 weeks of space and he was done with that. 

“Kiri? When did we get a puppy?” You asked, looking down the hallway at Kirishima and nodding your head towards Bakugo. Kirishima tried to hide his laugh as he turned back into the living room, leaving you and Bakugo alone in the hallway. Bakugo clicked his tongue at your joke and rolled his eyes. Yeah, maybe he wasn’t giving you any space to breathe but quite frankly he didn’t give a shit. He’d be annoying as fuck if it meant making sure you didnt lock yourself up in the spareroom again. 

“It’s okay Suki, I don’t mind. You’re such a good boy.” You said as you patted his cheek affectionately. The blush that covered his cheeks and tips of his ears was adorable. You smiled as you went to follow Kirishima to the living room, Bakugo now standing alone in the hallway and at a loss for words. The combination of your sweet voice and good boy, had his dick twitching in his sweats. He knew you did that on purpose, there’s no way you didn’t. He readjusted himself in his pants and made his way to the living room as well. He continued into the kitchen, watching you struggle to grab a mug off of the top shelf. A smirk appeared on his face as he approached you. Two could play this game. He pushed the length of his front, to your back, pushing you against the counter and placed a gentle hand on your hip. A soft gasp escaped your mouth at the sudden contact. He lowered his head a bit and talked directly into your ear. 

“Here, let me get that for you.” He reached up over you and grabbed your favorite mug, placing it in front of you. He stood behind you for another beat, his body still pressed against yours. He squeezed your hip and then took a step back. You could feel how wet you were now and just from that small amount of contact. Fuck, Bakugo wasnt suppose to make you feel this way. Neither of them were. But you found yourself thinking about them all goddamn day. Bakugo with his soaked shirt and abs, Kirishima with his sincere words and handsome face. You really needed to get a grip and fast. 

“Thank you, Suki. Do you want tea as well?” You asked sweetly. Before Bakugo had a chance to reply, Kirishima popped his head in to inform the both of you that he had to cover Tamaki’s patrol tonight. As you went over to give him a hug goodbye and kiss on the cheek, Bakugo took over and turned the kettle on for you, as well as getting your favorite tea bag and tossing it in your mug for you. After saying goodbye to Kirishima, you turned back around and watched as Bakugo took out the almond milk for you as well as some sugar. How did he even know how you liked your tea? You were almost 100% positive you’d never told him before or even drank tea around him. You silently watched as he poured boiling water into your mug, the way he bit his lip while he concentrated. He stood back and just stared at the mug for a second before turning to you, slightly embarrassed being caught by you. The air felt charged, you'd never been alone with Bakugo like this before.

“Quit yer fuckin’ starin’. I’ll go grab a blanket for the movie” He grumbled out as he passed by you. How were you going to survive the night alone with this man? You became so flustered whenever he was in your proximity. It was only today that you noticed how much both men really truly cared and took care of you. Even looking back at the past three weeks, they’ve done nothing but care for you and make sure you were comfortable and safe. God, how dumb could you be? Falling for not one but two of your friends? At the same time? No, it didn’t matter because you couldn’t go there with either of them. Bakugo had something going on with Ochako and Kirishima was Denki’s best friend.They were both off limits and you knew you were going to have to remind yourself of that many times tonight. Once your tea was done and you’d added the milk, you made your way to the living room, setting your tea down on the coffee table. You sat as far as physically possible from Bakugo, not eager to be close to him right now. The moment you two had in the kitchen earlier was still weighing heavy on your mind, so you didn’t exactly trust yourself not to act on your feelings. You hadn’t quite figured out if he’d meant to rile you up or not, but you decided you’d rather play it safe tonight.

“C’mere, why you sittin’ so far away, pretty?” God, his voice was so rough and gravely that it sent a shiver right down your spine. Alright, maybe your plan to sit far away from him was now backfiring. He patted the spot next to him and lifted the blanket. You huffed and got up to sit next to him. You’d planned to leave at least a little bit of space, but it seemed like he had other plans. He pulled you into his side, arm draped over your shoulder. 

Yeah, you were screwed.

[naturiisms]

if you’re hearing CAN U MEET ME THERE by ISSADORA AVA playing, you have to know AYANNA TAHERI (SHE/THEY; NONBINARY) is near by! the 23 year old has been in denver for, like, TWO MONTHS. they’re known to be quite UNPREDICTABLE, but being CHARISMATIC seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble KHADIJA RED THUNDER. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those PILES OF BOOKS ALL OVER THE PLACE, AN ICED COFFEE ON A SPRING DAY, FROLICKING THROUGH FLOWERS AND CONNECTING WITH NATURE vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around THE WOODS long enough!

STATISTICS:

full name: ayanna taheri

nicknames: yaya, yanna, sunny

birthday: february 2, 1997

hometown: ann arbor, michigan

occupation: social media manager at Green Thumb Cafe

hobbies: taking care of her houseplants, collecting books she'll never read, biking, hiking, and ceramics.

lives: the woods

BACKGROUND:

ayanna grew up in a typical suburban family with an older brother and two loving parents to dote on her. coming from a stable family gave ayanna the opportunity to hone their creative talents and push herself to become the best version. starting in ballet at 7, moving to gymnastics at 10, then flute and piano at 12, until they took their first art class at 14 where they realized this is where they could truly express themself. change is not an issue for ayanna if it means going after what she wants.

her next four years of high school were something she only imagined happened in movies. crossing the canadian border to visit art museums in ontario with their friends, going to local farmers markets on the weekends, submitting their art to competitions hosted by the school. finding the next adventure was always first on the list for her and her friends, academics usually falling second. they didn't do bad in school, but definitely had no interest in going to university since they'd only want to pursue art, anyway.

after graduating high school, ayanna found herself moving from her cozy suburban town and leaving all of her friends to go "find herself" on a cross country road trip. their parents bought and converted a van for her, and she set off on her drive to washington. along the way they stayed in various cities for different amounts of time, working odd jobs here and there. each city they went to, she found an art studio where she was able to continue creating and often left the pieces behind for the studio to share with others.

about a year into the road trip, still meandering through the country while they slowly made it to their destination, she found herself stopped in arizona where she parked her van for 2 years. it was here that they met their long time ex-partner, who they would finish their roadtrip with. they met at a ceramics studio, where she realized she was actually really good at it. after the first date they were practically inseparable, alternating between staying in her van or her partner's apartment. eventually, they downsized lyla's apartment and started the roadtrip to washington where they lived in a tiny house until they broke up a year ago.

after the breakup, ayanna spent the first few months renovating her van that hadn't been used in quite a while; only for camping trips or little roadtrips they planned. after she'd started picking her pieces back up and using renovation as therapy, they decided it was time to pick up and start a new adventure. this is how they ended up in colorado, spending 6 months in colorado springs before driving the van to denver 2 months ago. currently, she parks her van outside of their apartment at the woods where they plan to convert it into her own ceramics studio.

HEADCANONS:

ayanna got her job at Green Thumb Cafe by parking her van there the first two weeks she was in denver. she'd go inside every day for a little breakfast or lunch and eventually her and the owner got talking about the photos she'd taken of the cafe and the plants he could see from their van. she started a clipping trade day through instagram and has been the social media manager since.

they are seriously afraid of dogs but have a pet tarantula. logic? not here

favorite colors are sage green and lilac

she grows her own herbs and tomatoes and strawberries

[secondguessing-reality]

Manifested Wrong

Written privately some time in December 2022:

What really happened, as of summer 2023:

You’re here. You’re finally here on my side of the country, in my city where you always said you’d be. I’m here with you, not living together yet but I made it, and you did too. We’re dating, we’re together. We speak daily, see each other a few days a week unless we’re busy - which happens to be often but at least we get a few days.

This is cute. You moved in immediately, and not only do we spend time together every single day, we sleep together a few nights a week. We speak all the damn time! <3

Sometimes you come over just to watch me with housework while I sip wine and have music playing in the background. These nights we spend together end in us tangled up together. Sharing details about our day as you help me put away dishes and place a kiss on my neck.

Oh, my beloved. Things turned out so much better than I imagined. I come home from work and everything I have piled on my to-do list is done already, thanks to you. When we spend the evenings together there's nothing to be done EXCEPT become wrapped up in each other. When we're home, we get so absorbed in our love that we don't even have time to get through videos and craft projects like we said we would. We're just too into each other that anything else seems almost like a distraction from our endless conversations.

On the weekends we hang out with our friends, with my sister and her family, my fiancé, or just with each other. We go places, do activities, find new places to try, all the fun things we said we’d do together. We have dinner at the fancy restaurants I like, and we find new cafes constantly. I take you to Rise or Asa's and you brag that nothing is better than NY bagels. It makes both of us laugh.

We definitely spend more time with each other than with anyone else. I'm happy to report that everything else is true, except I haven't taken you to a bagel shop here, yet. Soon!

I show you all my favorite spots in the suburbs that I call my home, a place that always felt solid and familiar. Sometimes we go out to Milwaukee to visit my family, spend time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I’m not afraid of introducing you, especially to my mother's side. Seeing us in the dynamic doesn’t worry me as I thought it once would.

I've shown you many places that hold meaning to me. I feel lucky I've gotten to see similar places to you. The family that has met you has loved you.

Sometimes we go out East to visit your family, your friends. Sometimes it’s for cons, sometimes it's just back to the Island for little weekends, occasionally it's for the City. We watch sunsets, we walk by the beach, I make an excuse to touch seawater every single time I get near it, you tell me about historically significant buildings and landmarks we pass, we share street food, I point out wildlife. You take my hand as we walk through the villages telling me this is the best love you’ve ever had. 

We've been back twice so far. This prediction was surprisingly accurate! Look at it! Everything came true. Well, take me back to the city for another day of adventures.

We share our traditions, or culture, stories from our upbringing and what its like to be raised by parents raised by immigrants. Things I thought most people wouldn’t understand but you do. The good, the bad, the ugly, the dirty, and the beautiful parts.

In the nights we stay up talking, joking, having sex, watching Netflix, laying next to each other in blissful comfort. We trust each other. I never thought it was possible to trust someone this much, I thought it was a myth, that it was something I only read or see on TV but you make it real. The closeness, the vulnerability. I overcame aversions because I want to be with you more than I’m afraid of being vulnerable. We learned from each other. The lessons we knew we needed to learn. You helped me to rely on others, to be open with others, to ask for help and let people help me. With my fierce love and adoration, I hope I'm helping you learn how to see the greatness within yourself. We’ve grown with each other, becoming better, stronger for each other all with the intention to continue to grow with and for each other.

Wow, okay. All true. Plus a plethora of pets. We've been through so much else the last few months, but when you look at it from December's perspective, I had no idea the depth of our bond could take us this far, and almost too easily.

I open up to you in ways I haven’t opened up to people before. And the best part, you don’t look at me like I’m crazy, or that I’m from another planet. Even if you thought as such you never make me feel alien for it. I don’t need validation, and you know that, but you let me find comfort in you without the fear of feeling like I made a mistake.

I let you be the weak one when you need to be. You want to be strong for me because I AM strong for you and for myself, but you know when to put away the façade and take a break. We lay down on the couch, your head on my chest as I play with your hair. Your long, silver, cloud-soft hair that I love so much. You talk as if no one is listening, opening up about things you keep buried deep. I respect your boundaries and you respect mine but we ask each other questions and tell each other our concerns without having any worry.

And when we look at each other and into each others eyes, we know it, better than we’ve ever known. We’re in love, and we always will be.

This is what I imagined for us. Prayed for. Beseeched the old Gods to grant for us. And it's true, except...

It's so, so much better than I dreamed.

[a-moth-to-the-light]

oh my! rush rush! (jan 11, 2022)

The Day, In Short

Returned to campus on the 10th, because classes start next week! Friend from home came with me to vacation for a few days before she goes home and starts her own semester! Picked up my textbooks (which are all YA novels because the only class that has released a reading list is my Books for Young Adults class! And I'm so not mad because I've wanted to own a copy of The Hate U Give for FOREVER) & then we spent the rest of the day shopping and watching horror game playthroughs! I don't like video games bc I struggle to process tactile things, but I kept getting mad bc the players would do things differently from what I thought was the obvious route to take and I was like BESTIE NO THE ANSWER IS RIGHT. THERE. Is this what watching characters making bad decisions in horror movies feels like?

photo journal excerpts

Cute pins we ran across while shopping today!

Now that I'm back on campus, I can visit my favorite spots, like this building with the pretty fountains on stone slabs! (My friend says her school, a couple of states away, has the same red chairs--)

Mural on the side of a cafe! Red birds soaring over a mountain of blue & purple plants and some lime green barrel cacti, near which a few goats (I think?) graze.

TRIED BUBBLE WAFFLES FOR THE FIRST TIME :) (At the new boba place in town, which I'm SO excited about! Boba has SUCH good texture; it brings me great joy!)

Ominous stain on the bus seat! I love the buses btw, stains or no! Y'all are too mean :(

A little garden of flowers in globes! Found this while shopping :)

Old Town was decorated for the holidays--here we have a giant Christmas tree made of used plastic water bottles, strung with blue lights, outside one of the galleries!

Aforementioned Books for Young Adults textbooks!

[engbergsinfinland]

A new week after a fun weekend!

Hi everyone! We had a very nice weekend here; it was the opening weekend of the Tampere light festival, or "light weeks," and there was a special event called something like "behind the screens," where arts and music and dance were performed in windows of shops around the city center. You can see a bit about it here. Now that we have switched our clocks back here, it is dark even earlier, so there is an annual light festival where many buildings are bedecked in twinkle lights and other light installations, to add beauty and light in the darkest weeks of the year.

So, the "behind the screens" event opened Friday night and I wish we'd gone out that night! When I was walking home from ballet Friday night at around 7:45, there were tons of people on the streets and I saw some crowds gathered in front of store windows to watch performances. But, when I got home, Eric and the kids had had dinner and were settled in for the night-- and I really wasn't sure what the festival was, anyway. But, the next night, I was convinced we needed to go out -- and Rowan said he'd seen some neat performances in windows up near his school. So, we headed out around 7:45 p.m. on Saturday and went down to the river and we happened upon a huge water event in the river! It was like the Bellagio in Vegas, which I've never seen, but I think it was sort of that idea. I will share some photos! There was a huge crowd and the weather was mild, so it was just so enjoyable. From there, we walked over towards the Finlayson area, and we saw several more light installations and performances (and a lady dressed up as a bee, plus more oddities). We walked probably three or four miles in total and our last stop was near the windows Rowan had told me about, and we weren't sure there would be anything up that far (or over that dar, to the West), but there was like an artists' studio where people could go in and draw a little character to put on a tiny skewer to poke into these dioramas! I will also post a picture of this. It was UN week at the kids' school, so Cece made a character celebrating the UN and its values; she was very concerned that some of the UN's goals have not been realized.

This weekend, the kids and I also tried a new cafe, which we visited for lunch on Saturday, after their early-morning (8 a.m.) ice-skating training. We went to the Tampere Bakery Cafe and we had their brunch buffet, which was a little hard to figure out, because some of it was they-serve-you and some of it was serve-yourself. I am really trying to rack up my list of brunch and coffee places I have tried!

On Saturday, total, I probably walked six or more miles. It was very nice and the weather is still holding out to make that do-able for me. I am really going to have to see whether this clothing-for-the-weather dictum is something I can actually apply, so that I am not cold. I mentioned before that in Michigan, I was still cold, however warmly I thought I was dressing! But, maybe I am smarter (and clearly older) now so fashion will take more of a back seat to warmth ;)

On Sunday, when Rowan was done with tap, which was at 3:30, I asked him to message me and we'd see if Cece and I were able to get a table at this restaurant called Napoli, which apparently is the oldest pizza restaurant in Tampere and whenever I walk past it, it has a line out the door into the street! I had to find out why! So, we showed up at 3:30 on Sunday, which I figured was enough of an oddball time that maybe we'd luck out, and we did! We were the last folks to get a table before the line stared to accumulate. Eric came over too and we had a very early dinner. And it was so good and fun! I love a red-checkered-table-cloth kind of place. And they had very exotic pizzas (reindeer on your pizza, anyone?) but I just stuck with a very normal style.

Before I sign off, I wanted to point out a few things I have been meaning to point out. First, here are a few maps of Albuquerque and Tampere. The first two are showing about the same about of square miles in the frame. You can see in the Tampere one (the one with all the lakes, haha) the route from our apartment to Cece's gymnastics, about 6 miles away to the west. In the Albuquerque one, you can see the route from our house in Sandia Heights to the Albuquerque Academy (I picked that because it's about the same distance, in a similar direction). Then, you can see a third photo of the our-house-to-the-Academy route relative to the size of Albuquerque. What you can see is how dense Tampere is by comparison and how small a city it really is, but it feels so large. Within what is shown on the screen for Tampere, 250,000 people live. In the our-house-to-the-Academy image, I am guessing 250,000 people do not live. It is just a very interesting comparison, because in Albuquerque, because of having a car and because of the nature of southwestern American living, our life takes place in a much larger geographical area.

OK, and the very last thing is something I thought some folks might find interesting. It is the weekly skating schedule I get via WhatsApp from the club director for Varala Timi (the kids' skating team). Check out this *mess*! The one I am sharing below has my mark-up on it, showing which sessions they need to go to, where, and at what times. They are in group R most days but are sometimes in group F. The places have abbreviations, which I now have figured out, but sometimes there are notes below the places, and *this* is how the information about that dress rehearsal last week was conveyed. Also, this is how information about their "jumppa," their off-ice training, is conveyed. This kind of schedule has taken massive getting used to. Each week, I mark it up, print it, and put it on the fridge. I don't even bother putting it in my online calendar. Anyway, hope you've enjoyed the peek!

[snippetsearch]

Earlier, around 2:20pm, I almost got ran over. I was walking to university, listening to the new Caroline Polachek album on my headphones. I was near the end of “I Believe”, and was so lost in the song that I didn’t look to the right when I crossed the road— in that moment a car roared past, only inches from hitting me. If I had crossed probably half a second earlier I would have been hit — critically injured, comatose, or dead.

I was okay, though. I wondered if this was supposed to be the kind of near-death moment that changed people’s lives, and took stock to see if it had changed mine. First impression: not really. I wondered if that attitude reflected the idea that 20-somethings think they’re invincible. I continued to walk to school, pretty unphased.

I thought about what would have been the last things I’d done if I had died, and made a little list in my head:

- The day before last, I had visited my parents and aunt. It was a very happy visit, so I decided that it would have been fitting as a final one if I had died.

- That night, I sat in the kitchen and talked with my flatmates, and we compared our fortunes from a Cantonese palm-reading website. We had laughed a lot, cracking jokes about each other’s fates in marriage, love, and careers. It was a really nice conversation, so I decided I was satisfied if it was a final one.

- I had handed in my final dissertation for university yesterday. That night, I had stayed up late to hear the new Polachek album and discussed each track with my best friend. I decided this would be a nice thing to leave as our last discussion: sharing something we were both excited for and enjoyed together. If I had died they would have that album to remember me by.

- That morning, I had taken a walk in the park and got a Diet Coke in the cafe at the top of the hill. It was a sunny and hazy winter day: my favourite kind of weather. I sat there and drew in my sketchbook, sending the drawing to a couple of friends. I was proud of it— it was based on an illustration by Egon Schiele, but I had tried to make it my own. If that was my last drawing I think it was pretty representative. I imagined my friends releasing it after my death, and felt content.

- I’d eaten carrot soup and a wholewheat roll for lunch. That’s a pretty humble last meal, which felt good. It wouldn’t sit right with me if it was a Tesco meal deal or something opulent. The simpler, the better.

- I realised that it was Valentine’s Day. Dying on Valentine’s Day would have been a pretty literary and romantic end, which felt satisfying. 02-14 is also a good sequence of numbers. I think I’d be annoyed if I died on an odd-numbered day of an odd-numbered month. I resolved that years in the future, if I was already on the way out then Valentine’s Day would be a nice date to surrender myself.

Weighing everything up, I realised how content I would have been if that was my final moment. Sure, I had a few loose ends untied and a couple of secrets left lying around, but that’s forgivable and expected. Of course, I had failed to live the rest of my life and had never done all the things that I was about to, planned or unplanned. That’s sad, of course, but I realised how content I was with what I’d done up to then. Likewise, I didn’t want to put my friends and family through any grief at all— I really was mindful of how much it would destroy the people that loved me, but it wasn’t like I was trying to die, though. I was just weighing up the outcomes of a freak accident that I didn’t have control over.

I made a mental note to be more careful when crossing the road, laughed a little at how self absorbed the whole train of thought had been. (Although I think it’s forgivable to spend time thinking about how you’d be remembered in a moment like that.)

I continued the walk to university, enjoying the rest of the album as I walked. At a zebra crossing, I bumped into a friend of mine, and waved at her. When I crossed the street to speak to her, however, I realised that she was ghost-pale and shocked about something. She told me not to walk down the street she had approached from, that someone had been ran over, and that it must have been at high speed because long streaks of blood were covering the street. I gave her a hug to calm her down and made sure she was okay, and then continued my walk, chewing it over. I’m still not sure what to think, but the coincidence feels a little meaningful. I had almost been ran over, and everything was set up for it to have been a good moment to die tragically young. But I had been spared, and someone else was struck— who knows, maybe even by the same driver!

I wasn’t sure what I think about it, so I wrote it all down to try to figure it out. (That’s this writing). I hoped it would reveal an answer from the pattern, but there wasn’t something immediately special I could take from it, only this: I’m sad that person was hit, and despite the fact that it would have been a good ending, I’m glad that I wasn’t. That’s awfully plain, but maybe that’s just because it’s true. Something more poetic would probably be a little deceptive or constructed.

Anyway, I’ll continue with my day. I have some homework to take care of, and this evening I’ll go to a life drawing class with my flatmate. And then I’ll live the rest of my life after that.

[123franksivmblog]

Project 3 - I love my town

We were given the direction to find and document a greasy spoon in the Elephant and Castle area. We stumbled on to the Workman's Cafe via google maps after a brief interlude at Twists Sandwich Bar (recently shut down)

We managed to find a different cafe that had avoided shutting down over this difficult period for independent businesses.

(With a bit of research it seemed like Twists had been owned by a Bangladesh family that made really amazing food but seemingly fell of the face of the Earth a few years back.)

I was put in charge of documenting the auditory and sensory aspects of the Workman's Cafe. Using my ears and nose I began nonchalantly eaves dropping into conversations around me, something that seems to come naturally to me as I spend most of my life being nosy (an attribute I'm sure comes from my Mother and her Mother before her). The Workman's cafe was full of builders, social service workers, and the occasional paramedic as well as a couple that had visited the doctors who seemed to be pretty much on deaths doors considering the extensive list of illnesses and injuries they were discussing. Thick cockney accents filled the room. I found it quite comical that there was a bunch of art students in the corner of the room drawing these people going about their daily business, but I do think social observation and documenting the ordinary is an important aspect of art making.

The smell from the kitchen pumping out a selection of breakfast based meals and chips was nice, if a little sickly mixed with the haze of weed drifting through the open door from the two lads in full black sat on one of the tables in the front eating their large plates of munchies.

After coming out of the toilet in the back room I realised the intensity of the near hospital grade overhead lights. This, and the fact that we had sat in the cafe for around an hour and a half, meant I was now fed up of the Workman's Cafe and wanted to leave. I stopped documenting the conversations of the well built fellas around me and focused on getting a drawing down of the cracked window that served as a somewhat cheesy stereotype.

The cafe was down a side street off the main road going through the North side of Elephant and Castle closed in by what seemed to be office blocks and college buildings, as well as flats and a handful of houses. It was hard to tell if the area was outside of the sphere of gentrified influence of the shiny new Elephant and Castle, though I imagine given it being fairly central it wasn't a cheap place to live these days.

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (09) preview

series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 931

a/n: another preview bc i genuinely have no idea when im gonna b able to finish this

summer isn’t anything like your school experience so far, which is a good thing.

instead of sticking to your dorm room or the cafe nearby all day, you at least went out; to lotte world when both of your friends wanted some thrills and proceeded to drag you through a near hell experience where you almost fainted from a ride and stayed beside mingi to nurture him after because he’s still the same ‘ole scaredy cat you know him to be, who gets easily nauseous.

they also took you to your first ever bar and ordered you a cocktail drink named after something you cannot remember, but it was all super extra and too sophisticated for your taste.

you might’ve gotten a tad drunk; the experience not at all like you imagined, and attacked mingi with a few kisses, though you have suspicions it wasn’t all your doing considering mingi had been eyeing someone across the bar all night who was giving him the same coy look back.

but if you’re to ask him, he’d probably just tell you it was nothing serious; just a one night thing. and maybe not exactly sexual but a couple flirty exchanges, that’s it. you know how he is.

but the first few weeks of you guys running around like bachelors not tied to anything but just having fun comes to an end when minji called, finally able to free up some time to pay a visit to her boyfriend and friends she hasn’t seen in a while.

yunho was the most happy and excited you’ve seen him ever since stepping on seoul’s soils, when minji arrived at the dormitory and ran into his arms so fast, it made you sick to the stomach how sweet the scene was.

she had planned an entire list of her own of things to do together and was elevated to reveal the first activity on that list much to your dismay, because you guys had already done something similar a couple weeks before.

“come on, guys! it’s gonna be fun!” she cheers, arms wrapped around one of yunho’s and jumping on the way to the lobby as both you and mingi trail from behind just a good amount of distance because the matching shirts the two has on makes you guys not want to associate yourselves.

“i could think of a million other things to do than go to another amusement park,” mingi comments; his snarky tone causing minji to stop as she pulls yunho along, her head turning and shooting lasers toward said boy.

“you didn’t even have to come!” she rolls her eyes.

“well, i wouldn’t want y/n over here to be third wheeling the whole time.”

it’s your turn to roll your eyes, not at all fazed by the banter because you know it won’t be the last one of the day, just wishing it will pass soon enough so you guys can make it there before the sun sets.

“pfft,” minji brushes off, tugging you by the hand and making you stumble a few steps forward until you’re pulled right next to her, shoulders touching.

“we are very inclusive!” she adds, and you shoot a rather simple smile in return, knowing the minute yunho does something cute or vice versa, you will be long forgotten.

“yeah, sure, whatever,” mingi dismisses, reaching out for your wrist as you’re thrown back next to him like a tossed ball. “but she’s gonna need me if you’re going to be dragging her through those scary rides.”

minji scoffs. “i think you’re the one that needs her.”

for a moment, it looks like mingi’s about to say something back, until his eyes fleet to something else in front of him; his towering height allowing him to see over the two.

“hey, yeosang!” yunho’s the one to start, his attention on the boy long before any of you caught notice.

it’s the way you snap your head so fast, only able to see half of his body as yunho’s figure covers the other, but you don’t miss the way his gaze skips over to meet yours, conjuring up a knot in your throat as you swallow it down.

you haven’t seen him since that night, whether your schedules just differs now, or that you pretty much went out of your way to avoid him, it feels weirdly nostalgic and wrong seeing him again.

“hey!” he waves a bit awkwardly, but genuine in the sense he looks happy by the coincidence.

he has a bag over one shoulder and his hair is a little disheveled; skin also glistening that tells you he just came back from a pretty tough day at work.

“you came at the perfect timing.”

“looks like it.” he chuckles, and oh… you hate how deep and melodic it sounds. “you guys can go ahead. i’m just gonna put my things back and i’ll catch up soon.”

one of your eyebrows raise immediately at that.

“oh, it’s fine. we can wait.”

yeosang hesitates but eventually give in. “alright then, i’ll be quick.”

you wait until he’s out of sight to say something, eager to confirm the suspicion.

“you invited yeosang?” you don’t sound hostile or aggravated, just in complete awe.

“yes, just thought you’d enjoy some company. mingi’s probably going to run off on you sooner or later.”

mingi’s face twist, offended at the accusation. you on the other hand, is completely cornered in this situation with no other way out, knowing you’re going to have to be in kang yeosang’s presence for the rest of the day.

unbelievable.

[mdr-writings]

Just for you

eren x fem-reader 

Genre: modern au , cottage core, fwb - fwb to lovers 

Series Warnings: cheating, drug use, barn sex, bath sex, oral ( male and fem receiving), breeding kink, fingering, drowning, descriptive injury, explicit language 

A/N: - I wanted to publish it immediately bc the plot has been freshly brewing in my head and was screaming to come out. Btw the chapters will be short bc i want the series to be a bit long.

 so pls bare with me.

wc: 741

chp.1

nothing hurts more to be laying in your lovers arms in secret. wrapped up in his warmth, skin to skin. not even the slightest gap of air between you two could make you feel more apart. nothing feels better than knowing he is yours, only whenever a soul isn't in sight.

 nothing feels better than him. 

                                      -          8 days earlier       -

                                           Thursday  ~ 2:35 pm 

“ugh, we’re already 2 weeks into summer and we still have nothing planned,” connie sighed , slouching down the café chair pouting. 

It was a common routine for you and your friend group to meet up at a café ,near the College, everyone attended after their last class. It’s also where ,during the pervious semester, they could find you study while scarfing food down your throat. You barely made time for to make breakfast for yourself before your first period. Good thing that wont be repeated until fall semester. 

“relax it’s just the beginning of summer, we have enough time to figure something out ,” jean responded. “so you'll have enough time to bust into a couple chicks before it’s up”, he jokes.

“hey! that wasn't on my list on things I want to do”, connie objected. “speaking of things to do”, he continued. ”what is there to do, we pretty much crossed everything off our lists”.

“hmm, lets see,” armin says while opening his phone to the notes app. he always had a tendency to keep up with what the group did or wanted to do. 

“we’ve been to the beach on Ronnie’s Outpost, we’ve stayed at a condo up north for a month, we went camping in Bikers’ mountain.” armin scratches his chin lightly.” I honestly don't know what else we could do either.” 

“maybe we can visit a cottage farm”, you spoke up.

Silence erupted the groups chatter. Your response caught the group of guard, they stare at you with confusion. 

“what, did I say something wrong?”, you questioned . your face scrunches up in confusion.

“y/n, honestly, what the hell are we gonna do on a farm”, mikasa crosses her arms while questioning you. “it’s bad enough half of the people here belongs on one.”

“hey!”,  sasha, jean, eren and connie yelled at once. 

“I didn't say any names”, mikasa retorted while rolling her eyes.

‘Come on guys”, you interrupted the dispute. “we never been to an actual farm that we could stay at”. “Plus,” you injected,” it'll be kind of like a..... refresher or release of stress.”

“I don't know if we can last a day without service,” eren testifies. “ you know how sasha gets when she can’t speak to her personal chef,”. 

sasha’s face grows bright red while looking away shyly. “he isn't my personal chef”, she mutters. 

“not yet, ”connie taunts with a smile. 

His smile was quickly wiped as it was replaced with a pained frown. sasha pounded at the top of his head. “OUCH, STOP! IM SORRY,” he apologizes frantically.  

“hmph,”sasha pouts furrowing her eyebrows. connie squints his eyes towards sasha, cursing at her under his breath.

“hey”, you interrupted once again. “unless you guys want to sit at this café all summer I suggest you start packing “, you snapped at the group. 

The group reluctantly agreed, nodding their heads. 

You smiles widely, “ alright lets get going, chop-chop”, you says while jumping up and clasping your hands together. You then make your way towards the cafe’s door. Everyone stand up from the table, making their chairs screech against the floor. The group  grabbed their belonging making their way towards the cafe’s entrance. One by one, the group exits the café into the warmed air that filled the sky.

A gush of wind whips past the group’s bodies. 

 “w-wait a minute! y/n, we didn't even get a day or time!”, armin shouts to you.

You were making a break towards your house. you were not gonna waste anytime on this opportunity. Luckily, you were still in hearing distance. “Saturday, 2:00 my place, be there”, you screamed back.

“she does know she drove here right?”, jean asks.

“give it a couple more seconds”, eren says in monotone while staring at your disappearing body into the distance. He pulls back his sleeve to count with his watch.

“3″

“2″

“1″

His phone then begins to ring. He presses the accept button with the tip of his thumb.

“ummm”, you start, “ can someone drive my car to my house”. 

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

the Consulting Detective | Spencer Reid x reader

Requested by @thekillingjoke-haha / Summary: The BAU is getting no where with a time sensitive case and you, the Consulting Detective from London, are called in to help.

A/N: Hi! I am so sorry for the long wait. I hope you enjoy!! xx 

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

**MASTERLIST**

Requests: {OPEN} CLOSED

** Rules for Requesting **

** Who I Write For **

********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNERS

“This case is time sensitive. You all know that.” Hotch informs the team who sits around the table, a mess of case files in front of them. Multiple children had been kidnapped and their bodies were dumped on the side of a highway 3 days later. Now, there was another victim and they only had a day to find her before she ended up like the other kids. However, the team had gotten no where with the case and were in dire need for help. 

“We’ve looked at every possible piece of evidence, but there’s nothing.” JJ says with a defeated sigh. 

Hotch is in his normal stance, his face serious and his arms crossed over his chest, “That’s why I’ve called in for help.” He turns his attention to the door as you walk in. 

“Consulting Detective y/f/n y/l/n from London. She’s a new set of eyes to maybe see something we don’t.” 

Spencer’s eyes are glued to you as you walk in, his heart pounding. Wow, you were beautiful. He watches as you set your brief case on the nearby table, giving a smile to the team, to him. 

“I want to find this little girl as much as you guys do. So please don’t see me as someone who is stepping on your toes and taking over this case. I’m here to see something you all may have missed.” 

Hotch introduces you to the team and you greet them with a smile and a nod, “So, how about we get started on what you all have so far?” 

~ 

“You all have profiled this unsub as a male?” You ask with curiosity, your eyes scanning over the crime scene photos. 

“Everything points to a male unsub.” Spencer comes up behind you, pointing at something on the crime scene photo, “The way he just laid out the bodies. He didn’t do it with care. A female would have dumped the body with care due to feeling some kind of remorse.” 

“Okay but that doesn’t mean the unsub isn’t a female.” You look up at Spencer, “Just because the bodies weren’t cared for when they were dumped doesn’t immediately point toward a male unsub.” 

“But statistically, that is how these cases play out. 85% are males who kidnap children are pedophiles.” 

“Okay..” You drag out, turning in your chair to face Spencer, “But these children weren’t molested. Right?” 

Spencer has no idea where you’re getting at. This was how he’d profiled the unsub, how the rest of the team had profiled. It was textbook and there was no way this unsub was a female. 

“Well, no they-” 

“The unsub could possibly be a female, but with no motherly instincts.” You point out and stand, making your way toward the board with all the crime scene photos, “Statistically most female unsubs are mothers, they care for the children even until their death. The women feel a longing to be a mother but some can’t and that in the future turns out to be an overwhelming desire to take a child and make that child theirs.” You face the team, who all wear confused looks. 

“But those statistics aren’t completely accurate or updated.” Spencer’s eyebrows furrow. A statistic he may have missed? Not possible. 

“Actually, yes they are. New statistics were shown a month ago at a conference in New York.” You correct. 

“Detective y/L/n has a point.” Hotch instructs his team to start looking at this unsub as a female, one who is not a mother and never has been. 

Spencer sits back in his chair, slightly embarrassed, but impressed with your ability to practically “out-smart” him. How could he have missed that new statistic? It was always his goal to keep updated no matter what. You never knew when you’d need a statistic.

~ 

“Hey I hope I didn’t step over your toes in there earlier.” You say to Spencer as the team are gathering their things to head out to a possible lead. 

“Oh..” Spencer shakes his head, “No. You didn’t.” You knew he was probably lying. You had overstepped and made this highly intelligent man feel small. 

“Okay good.. Cause that’s not what I was trying to do. I was only looking at the case in a different eye.” 

“I just can’t believe I missed that statistic and new research. It would have been great to know for this case.” Spencer frowns, “It’s a goal of mine to always be updated.” 

“It’s easy to let things slip through.” 

“Yeah I guess so. Are you coming along with us?” 

“Oh no.” you shake your head, “Not a field detective. I work the desk.” You let out a soft laugh, “I’m a poor shot. You guys wouldn’t want me around.” 

“Reid, let’s go.” Hotch calls out. 

“yeah. Okay I’m coming.” Spencer hurries out the door after the team, glancing back at you once more. You were already putting case files in boxes. He just hoped you’d still be here when they got back. 

~ 

The unsub had been caught and the little girl was returned safely to her parents. It was a good outcome, thanks to you. 

“What are you in such a hurry for, pretty boy?” Morgan teases as Reid was the first to exit the vehicle and already near the entrance of the police station. 

Spencer ignored Morgan and made his way toward where their room had been set up for the team. However, his heart sank when he’d found it empty, your belongings gone. He never even got to say goodbye. 

~ 6 months later ~ 

It was a special and much needed trip for the BAU team to visit their friend and former BAU agent, Emily Prentiss in London. They had settled in to their hotel and would be meeting Emily at her ‘flat’ for dinner later that evening. 

Deep down, he knew it was highly unlikely that he’d run into you while he was here. However, he couldn’t help but hope maybe fate would give him a second chance with you. While on the plane, he’d stared at the large map of London and wondered his chances of running into you in such a large city. Probably one out of 1000. London was a large city. You may have not even been in London while he’d be there. He’d looked at every possible outcome and decided, fate wasn’t on his side. 

Spencer being the guy he was, couldn’t sit in the hotel room and catch up on sleep like his colleagues. So, he decided to do a little sight seeing on his own. He’d already memorized the map of London on the flight here and headed toward the closest attraction. 

Glancing up, his eye caught a small cafe and thought a coffee might do him well. He opened the door and started to enter the cafe. His eyes were fascinated by the artwork on the wall and had not noticed the person exiting at the same time he was entering.

He quickly apologized, “I am so sorry-” His eyes met yours and you were already smiling up at him. 

“Is this your turn to step on my toes?” 

Criminal Minds tag list: @thelovelydreamer17​ , @la-vie-en-amour1​ , @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25​ , @astra-inclinant-sed-non-obligant (possibly: @astra-x-inclinant​)  , @bluerose512​ , @lolychu​ , @varsityalthete​ , @televisiondreamstomorrow​ , @harry-hollands​ , @lumineshawn​ , @lyss-xo​ , @rexorangecouny​ , @sassy-hades​ , @britishspidey​ , @ateez-star​ , @l0ve-0f-my-life​ , @ceeellewrites​ , @newtkyloskywalkerstiliski , @in-some-fandoms​

All my works tag list:  @blossomreed​ , @mggstyles  , @simonsbluee​ , @thewolf-and-thesheep​ , @obxrafejjwhore​ , @abbiesthings​ , @itstaskeen​ , @reniescarlett​

[hookingminor]

26 & 35 w josty from the list 1 fluff prompt

35. “Kiss me better.”

already got 26 w another request :(

one / three

-

You ended up joining Tyson in Denver in early August.

He left for his summer training camps or whatever in Toronto about a week after your poolside conversation, and you were surprised to wake up one morning to a text from him only a few days after he touched down in Toronto. He said if you were still interested, he’d be back in Denver after mid-July and that you were always welcome to visit.

After a couple weeks of sporadic texting, mostly Tyson sending you articles on things you needed to see in Denver before you’d even made up your mind, you worked out a time to visit.

Tyson picked you up from the airport, all smiles and sunglasses as he basked in the Denver sunshine. He engulfed you in a friendly hug before taking your bags and throwing it into his back seat.

You expected Tyson to go about the week doing his own thing. You knew he had a strict training regimen and probably had other friends to hang out with, and you didn’t think he’d actually want to do things with you. He had offered his spare bedroom to you and you thought that would be the end of it, but you were sorely mistaken.

The first morning after you woke up in his guest bed, Tyson was waiting for you in his kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee brewing and his best hiking clothes on.

“I thought we could hit up Pike’s Peak today,” he suggested as you poured yourself a cup.

“Oh, you’re coming with me?” You asked, and the smile on Tyson’s face fell.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” you backtracked hastily. “I just don’t want to get in the way of your schedule. I’m perfectly capable of getting around by myself if you have other plans.”

“Please, I have nothing else going on,” Tyson replied, a grin tugging at his lips again. “And what kind of host would I be if I didn’t at least show you around?”

And that was that.

The first couple of days were spent doing all the outdoorsy stuff Colorado was known for. You hiked what felt like a million different trails, but you didn’t mind the strenuous work. It was no secret Tyson was in much better shape than you, but he didn’t complain any time you needed to take a break to catch your breath or snap pictures.

Hiking, sightseeing, and hitting up shops were how you spent your days, with and without Tyson. Usually he needed to slip away for a few hours to either go to the arena or do whatever workout he was instructed to, so you spent that time wandering around his neighborhood. You found a nice little cafe with, probably, the best chai latte you’ve ever had.

At night, Tyson took you out to a new restaurant, ranging from expensive sushi to the cheapest, and greasiest, burgers you’ve ever tasted. Though, you did make him dinner one night to thank him for his hospitality. You got the feeling he didn’t do a lot of cooking in his free time if his pristine kitchen was any indication.

Near the end of your trip, Tyson thought it was mandatory for you to have at least one night out on the town. He even corralled a couple of the guys who were in the city to join them and convinced them to bring their significant others so you weren’t drowning in testosterone all night.

When you emerged from your room in an outfit that accentuated all your best features, Tyson had to mentally slap himself before he started drooling. It almost felt inappropriate to check you out and let his stare linger over your figure, so he only allowed himself a once over before forcing his gaze to your face.

“Are you ready?” He managed to cough out, and you nodded.

The Uber you took to the bar didn’t last long, but the place was pretty busy when you stepped into the crowded space. It was a Saturday night after all.

Tyson led you to the corner where a few of his teammates were already seated, and let them make their own introductions while he disappeared to get you a drink. You learned the names of JT and his girlfriend Sydney along with Mikko and his girlfriend Susanna and also Cale. You recognized Cale from earlier in the week when he stopped by to ride with Tyson to the rink.

Tyson came back a few short minutes later with a round of shots for the table and a vodka sprite for you. The first round passed quickly and were soon followed by three more, one on each of the guys.

You and the other girls danced for a bit, talked for a bit, and by the time midnight was rolling around, you were more than feeling the effects of the alcohol on your body. It was nowhere near what you knew your limit was, but it was enough for you to lean a little too far into Tyson’s side and let your mind drift to other thoughts that didn’t revolve around the topic at hand.

It took a lot of convincing on Tyson’s end to get you to call it a night; all you wanted to do was sing another karaoke song with Syd, but JT and Tyson declared they couldn’t take any more terrible singing from either of you. You had nearly passed out on Tyson’s shoulder during the ride home, but he didn’t mind the comforting weight of your slumped body tucked into his side.

The waters you had before leaving and the relaxing ride back helped sober you up, and by the time Tyson unlocked his apartment door, the fatigue was threatening to take over your body at any minute. Tyson’s arm steadied you as you kicked your heels off before you made your way to the kitchen for another glass of water.

“Thank you for this week, Tyson, I had a lot of fun,” you said, both of you standing against the kitchen island and downing water.

“Any time,” Tyson blushed. “It’s been fun having you here.”

A week’s worth of sexual tension sat between you now, sizzling your body from the inside out, and you took a quick glance at Tyson from the corner of your eye. He was already looking at you.

Maybe it was the alcohol in your bloodstream or the years of pining after him finally coming to the surface, but you set your glass down and moved closer to his body. Tyson stayed leaning back against the granite, motionless as you took a step in front of him and nearly pressed your front to his. He set his own glass down but didn’t let his hands touch you, opting to grip the counter instead.

With one final burst of courage, you leaned forward, giving Tyson a brief moment to turn away before capturing his lips in a soft kiss.

It took a second for Tyson to comply, moving his lips against yours gentle as ever, like he was afraid of ruining the moment if he pushed too hard. You had to grab his hand to place it on your hip, and he squeezed it at your act of reassurance.

“Kiss me better, Tyson,” you whispered, pulling back only far enough to get the words out. “You don’t have to be so gentle.” Your hands felt their way up his chest until they reached his shoulders.

“I just don’t want you to regret this,” he said, letting his forehead rest against yours. “You had a lot to drink tonight.”

“I’m not drunk, Tys. Just a little tipsy but definitely sober enough to know what I want,” you replied. “Now kiss me.”

He searched your eyes for any sense of doubt or any indication that you weren’t going to remember this come tomorrow, but he didn’t find any of that, only a pleading look that was begging you to kiss him.

So he did.

He crashed his lips against yours with renewed energy, the force taking you a bit by surprise while his hands brought your body flush against his. You could taste the remnants of beer on his tongue, but you drank it down greedily, bringing a hand to curl around the nape of his neck.

You made out like teenagers there in his kitchen, fulfilling every fantasy sixteen year old you had, and you felt Tyson harden against your stomach. He only pulled away when your hands drifted down to dip your fingers underneath the waistband of his jeans.

“As much as I want to, we can’t tonight,” Tyson said, his expression almost pained. “I want you, but I also want us both sober.”

You could understand that. Even if you were slightly put out that you wouldn’t be able to feel him, you wouldn’t push it. Tyson was too good of a guy to go into something like this without thinking about the consequences first. You nodded your compliance and made an attempt to step back.

Tyson only let you get a few inches of space between you, but kept his hands firm on your hips. “Maybe tomorrow I can take you on a real date, though? See where it goes from there.”

His suggestion had your stomach twisting, and you matched the smile he was adorning. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

[mrslilyrogers]

Betrayal Part 7

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: (AU) Set in New York. You and Bucky have been married for 5 years. He’s the love of your life and you are his. At least, you thought you were until he started slipping away from you, coming home late and smelling of another woman’s perfume? You are in denial. Are you just losing your mind or are you really losing him?

Author’s notes: I’m so so sorry this took so long! I redid the whole thing. We’re going to back up a bit in this chapter and visit the past. Please check the warnings before reading. Also, my requests are open. Send ideas if you’re feeling particularly angsty! Or even fluff, I’d like to try my hand at it. As always, let me know what you think of this chapter! For tags, please send in ask! 

Warnings: Cheating, Angst, Abuse, Swearing

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4  Part 5 Part 6

2 years ago.

Bucky tapped his fingers on the table as he checked his watch again. 8:15. Forty-five minutes late. Again. He let out a huge sigh, barely able to hold himself from scratching his eyes out. The curly-haired waitress went back to him with an apologetic look on her face, “I’m sorry, sir. My manager told me I really need to take your order now. There’s already a line waiting outside…” she let her sentence trail sheepishly. Bucky tried to ignore the heat creeping up his cheeks and gave her an unconvincing smile instead, reciting his order. When she left with visible relief on her face, he picked up his phone and called his wife again. He had tried to call and text her earlier but she hadn’t picked up.

“Hello?” Y/N answered, sounding frazzled and irritated as she cleaned up after her rude customer. He just had the audacity to leave a mess after complaining and whining about the wifi three times. She could barely keep her eyes from rolling. 

“Hey, babe. Where are you? I’ve been waiting for you at the restaurant,” Bucky’s defeated voice on the other line replied. 

“Oh shit!” She shrieked, attracting the heads of the other customers as she glanced at the clock on the wall. She had lost track of time. Bucky had been waiting for her for almost an hour. On their anniversary. Oh crap, crap, crap. 

“Oh my god, baby. I’m so sorry! I’m understaffed and I lost track of time! Could you please wait for me? I’m so sorry!” She quickly took off her apron and changed into the dress she had brought with her that morning for their date. Bucky had been planning this. He arranged for Lizzie’s babysitter and everything, practically bouncing off with excitement for this night. He wanted to try out this new restaurant and between raising Lizzie and making sure Winter Bakery was still making a profit, they haven’t seen much of each other lately. She just couldn’t find the time whereas Bucky’s stable position in Shield gave him more authority to delegate. And he literally had been trained for this for years. All those late-nighters at the university and all the grunt work he and Steve went through have finally paid up. They were at the top of their game, one of the youngest to acquire their positions. They were heroes in the investment banking world. Life was easy for him now, cherry on top of the cake. He only wished Y/N could be there with him. But she was still on shaky ground with her business and he fully understood that. 

“Of course! I already picked our appetizers though. They were trying their best to kick me out gently if I didn’t order anything,” 

“Oh, my poor Bucky. You should’ve flashed them your smile, charmed your way. They would’ve made you stay,” she replied, fixing her ponytail, not having the time to retouch her makeup anymore. This’ll just have to do. 

“Really, now. It was a waitress, you know.” He teased back. 

A beat before Y/N replied in mock seriousness. “In that case, don’t you dare. I’ll be there in 15!” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. See you, babe. I love you--,” 

But before he could even finish his sentence, the line had dropped on the other end.  

_______________________________________________________________________

1 year ago.

“Daddy, look, apples!” Lizzie pointed from her seat in the grocery cart. Her legs swinging as she giggled at the heap of apples on their side. “Yeah, baby, you’re right.” Bucky replied absentmindedly, not even bothering to look as he stared confusedly at the bunch of green vegetables in front of him. The list Y/N gave him said scallions, but how the hell was he supposed to know which was which? Scallions, spring onions, green onions, they were all the same right? He suddenly regretted volunteering to do their grocery shopping alone, having no clue what half of the list Y/N prepared even meant. It was the weekend, they were all supposed to go together and then have a quick visit to the toy store after, for one more of Lizzie’s birthday gifts. She had just turned 3 a week ago and he couldn’t help but promise to let her pick out another doll. When Y/N had given him a pointed look while Lizzie clung on and gushed to him, he couldn’t help but to just give her a tiny shrug. He grew up with nothing, he was gonna give his little girl everything. But that morning when he thought the three of them finally had time to spend together, Y/N couldn’t make it again. She was having problems with her manager and had to go into work unexpectedly. Now, she wasn’t even answering his calls when he had to ask her about the most complicated grocery list he’s ever seen in his whole life. 

“Daddy, when are we getting my doll?” Lizzie asked again, looking up at him as she clutched her favorite white wolf stuffed toy. 

“After this, sweetheart.” He answered, preoccupied and calling Y/N again. This time when she didn’t answer, he gave up, grabbed the one nearest to him and hoped for the best. 

When he’s gotten halfway through the list and let Lizzie point at the snacks she wanted for school, he let his mind wander, when the hell had they become like this? He barely saw his wife anymore. Her problems with her bakery cafe, always dragging her away from them. He wished she could find competent people who would stay but if it weren’t her manager, it was her baker and so on. And if she was finally free, he’d be the one who was busy. It was hard and annoying but coupled that with taking care of an over-enthusiastic three-year-old, it was also exhausting.

He missed Y/N and he wished he could spend time with her. He completely understood that she was always needed at work. He had been through that in their early 20s, but they didn’t have a kid then to compete for their time and understanding it was different from actually living it. Their marriage had become stagnant. The banality of their everyday life, a stark contrast to how they used to be when they were just a couple of kids off college who rented a too-small apartment with his little sister, Becca. Time has flown and he’s finally achieved the life he’s always wanted; a big duplex apartment, a steady high-income job and a family he had always yearned for but never really knew he needed. All of the things he promised himself when he was younger and had nothing, he had now and more, yet there was still something missing. He missed the thrill of his life, chasing his dreams had always kept him motivated, distracted. Now that he had it all, he was at his wits’ end. Maybe it was because they were also growing apart, he could feel it. Y/N had always been able to make him happy and whole; he had always been able to rely on her emotionally. She was the better part of him and now that she was becoming distant, he hung onto her like a lifeline but his insistence on going on vacations as a family wherever his wife and daughter wanted went unheard, all his attempts at romancing cancelled. 

Even as he lined up now for the cashier, he whipped out his phone to text her. His hands had been busy typing when a brooding, dark-haired man stood behind him dressed in all black. His arms were muscled despite his age and the sagging skin on his right arm holding a tattoo of an odd skull with tentacles extending out of it was barely covered by his shirtsleeve. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Bucky,” a familiar husky voice mocked from behind him. 

Bucky immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, the voice sending a deep chill down his spine, making him go rigid as he slowly turned around, the blood draining from him when he went face to face with the man who had made his life a living hell, the man who not only broken him physically but in spirit as well. Repeatedly. 

“You some errand boy now? I didn’t raise you to be like that, you know,” He continued to mock, tipping his chin to the cart with Lizzie still on it. 

“Do you know him, daddy?” She asked, holding her little wolf tighter as she watched the stranger warily. 

“Hey there, sweetie. Your daddy didn’t tell you about me? That’s weird. I raised him and your aunt Rebecca a long time ago. My name is Rumlow,” he flashed her a chilling smile, stepping closer to offer his hand. That’s when the fog in Bucky’s brain cleared. He moved with a lightning fast reflex, stepping in between them as he got in Rumlow’s face, fisting his collar harshly in one hand, 

“Don’t you dare go near her,” his dark and low voice had threatened, dripping venom. His eyes had dilated, almost turning black as he shoved him hard. Rumlow’s grating laugh echoed around them, bringing back all those awful memories he had buried deep inside his head. 

“I’ve taught you well, boy. Can’t say I’m not proud,” He clapped and actually smiled at him smugly. At this point, Lizzie had started crying making Bucky even more furious. 

“I don’t ever want to see your face again. And if you go near my daughter again, I’ll make you fucking regret it. Do you understand?” His threats went on deaf ears as Rumlow broke out into a full-fledged grin. 

“I’d love to see you try, James. You’ve grown soft,” He accused, eyeing Lizzie and the grocery he had still lined up, several heads already looking at them. 

“Lucky for you. I have a new son here,” He continued, tilting his head to the boy standing by his mostly empty cart-- save for the beer and the liquor. Bucky flicked his attention to the boy and he felt his world spin as he saw himself in him with his eyes haunted, wary and afraid. He couldn’t have been older than eight. Rumlow smirked at the look on Bucky’s face, already detecting the turmoil brewing inside him. He had succeeded. He always knew Bucky was weak, his emotions his downfall. The fear and guilt clearly written in Bucky’s eyes made Rumlow gloat as he talked to the boy, 

“What did I say, Bert, huh? You’ll only have food if you go get it yourself. Why are you still standing there?” 

The boy looked around the big grocery store, mentally taking note of the stalls and where they were currently at, memorizing it in case he got lost but still, he didn’t move. Bucky looked at Rumlow and he saw the same look he’d always had directed at him before, his taunting eyes daring the boy to go or face the consequences. 

“But I’m scared,” the boy replied, his voice small and frightened. Rumlow moved to him, bending his knees to get to his eye level. “Well then, you just won’t have to eat,” he told him in a hushed voice, pouting and mocking. 

Bucky didn’t have to hear it to know the exact words, buried memories rushing back to the surface. He heard it countless times directed at him. The boy ran to the nearest stall, his heart pounding and hoping Rumlow would still be at that same spot when he came running back. Bucky knew the feeling, it was like he was living it all over again. As much as he wanted to help, he was rooted to the spot, even Lizzie’s crying couldn’t move him. Rumlow stood back up and faced him. “You were always my favorite,” he told him proudly as he pushed his own cart away from them, no doubt to give Bert an even harder chance of finding him. 

Just before he got too far, he swiftly turned around, feigning innocence as he said, “Oh and by the way, say hi to Rebecca for me,”  His lips twisted up into a sneering smirk as he left, whistling without a care in the world. And just like that Bucky was moving, grabbing Lizzie and getting out of that store as fast as he could, hoping Rumlow would stay out of his life forever. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m never letting you do the groceries again!” Y/N screeched, a horrified look on her face as she stared at their fridge. After the incident with Rumlow, Bucky had brought Lizzie to the toy store, allowing her to buy all the stuffed toys and dolls she wanted instead of just the previously promised one doll. They had gone to lunch after, he kept Lizzie distracted as much as possible to forget the man she had just met. When she brought him up again, he told her it was just a friend he didn’t like very much and that she shouldn’t bring it up to her mom because it was nothing, he promised he never had to see that man again. Lizzie seemed satisfied with his answer and went back to her usual chirpy self. On their way home, they passed by another grocery store. He had mindlessly strolled the aisles and grabbed whatever he thought they needed, his head at a different place, much as it still is now.

“Bucky, we don’t need four cartons of milk, why would you even get this?” Y/N asked incredulously, shaking her head as she chuckled. 

Bucky had been staring off into space, not hearing what his wife had been saying. “Uhm, hello Bucky, you still with me?” she teased, waving a hand in front of his face. 

“Oh sorry, what was that?” He asked, glancing up at her from his perch by the kitchen counter. The coffee he had brewed, now cold in his hands. 

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, looking at him with concern in her eyes. 

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well,” he waved dismissively. Y/N felt a pang of guilt. He’d been bugging her to spend more time together, planning outings and dates that she never seemed to find time for. 

“Well, I finally have the day free. Why don’t we go out, watch a movie or have a picnic? It’ll be fun,” she suggested, draping a hand over his shoulder while her chin rested on the other, her elbow propped up on the countertop to keep an eye level with him. 

“I can’t, I’m sorry, babe. I promised to meet up with Thor,” he moved away from her touch, standing up. Y/N looked at him confusedly, “Okay, how about after?”

“Gotta go over some accounts with Sam, sorry love. I’ll be back before dinner,” He gave her a quick kiss to the cheek before heading out. Y/N stared after him, brows knitted, before shrugging. She’ll just get her errands around the house done then. 

After pounding the punching bag in Thor’s gym incessantly, Bucky found himself aimlessly walking around the streets, he just needed to clear his head. The little boy’s face was still etched in his mind as he opened the door to a bar. A little too early, he knew but he couldn’t shake off the nagging thought plaguing his mind. 

How could he have let that monster roam free while he had lived his life without even a glance back? 

_______________________________________________________________________

Years ago.

Bucky held Becca’s hand as they ascended the rickety steps of their new home. They had just lost their parents and were now moving into an unfamiliar house. The case worker had told them they were lucky not to be separated and that they shouldn’t worry; they were getting a good foster father who would take care of them from now on. 

“I had interviewed him myself, you see,” She told the children, beaming with pride. 

“I couldn’t have found a better one for you guys, why, this area is still very close to where you grew up in. You could still visit your old haunts,” She ruffled Becca’s hair, trying to lighten the mood while the little girl just moved farther away, hiding behind her big brother. The worn-out door which at once might have been painted pristine white but now had chippings hanging off of it suddenly opened with a creak, a man with a charming and easy nature stepped out with a warm smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“You guys are here! Welcome, welcome, please come in!” He gestured humbly to his house. Becca squeezed Bucky’s hand tighter which he squeezed back in return, reassuring her. There was something about this man that wasn’t quite right. He seemed relaxed and easy-going, a smile continuously plastered on his face but there was a lethality to him that the children couldn’t seem to shake off, almost as if it was buried deep inside waiting to be unleashed. The case worker hung on his every word, giggling as they talked. She slapped his arm with the horrible looking tattoo that gave Becca a fright. The children barely moved from the sofa they were seated at after the introductions. 

“It’s usually like this. Don’t worry. They start to open up after a while,” the case worker sympathized with Brock, the man who introduced himself as their new foster father; he would treat them as his own, he had promised. 

“It’s alright. I understand. After my wife, I’ve been all alone and this, this is a blessing to me,” He told her as he turned to the children. Her hand strayed to his arm again and lingered there. 

“Oh, Brock, you are a good man. They’re great children, they won’t give you trouble.” She replied, patting his arm for reassurance. It didn’t miss Bucky how she hung off his every word. 

“But I should get going, I will check up on you in a week. Children, be good. You have my number if you need anything,” She stood up, smoothing the wrinkles on her blazer.

“Wait, you’re leaving us already?” Bucky couldn’t help the whine that escaped his voice. He didn’t miss the darkness that spilled over Brock’s face for a split second before he carefully put his smile back on again. 

“I’ll be back in a week, Bucky. Don’t you worry,” the case worker smiled before she walked out the door leaving him and Becca to a stranger. 

When she was out of sight, Brock had suddenly changed his demeanor. The smile on his face had turned into a scowl when he faced them. “Alright, listen up both of you,”  he boomed, his voice cruel. “Grab your things and get on to your rooms. I don’t want to hear any noise. No running around, and if I see you making a mess. You bet your little asses, you’ll pay for it,” He stood up and left them to their bags. 

“But Mr. Brock, I’m thirsty,” Becca piped up, looking up at him timidly. The man’s grating laugh rumbled as he threw his head back, shaking it.  

“That’s Rumlow to both of you, you hear me?  Don’t make that mistake again. Now, come here,” He said, beckoning both the children to come over. Once they reached the kitchen, he pointed to the high cupboard. “You see that?” He asked Becca, dropping low to get to her eye level. When she just nodded her head, he continued, “That’s where the glasses and the plates are. If you want something in this house, you go get it yourself. I’m not your nanny,” He held Becca’s face in his hand roughly. His fingers wrapped around her cheeks tight as he held her by the chin. Bucky felt his fists clench at his sides, pushing Rumlow as far as he could with his eleven year old might.  

“Stop that!” He screamed. Their parents never hurt them. How dare this man think he could do this to his little sister? 

“Oh you wanna be the man of the house?” Rumlow jeered, shoving Bucky back making him fall to the floor. Becca’s sniffles grew louder as she tried to stop her crying, her shoulders shaking from her effort. As Bucky lay sprawled, Rumlow scooted down menacingly to him, 

“You dare push me when you were just whining like a little bitch a while ago, you wanna man up? Alright, I’ll allow it,” he taunted, pondering it for a moment before his sinister smile came back on. “Let’s see how long you’ll last protecting your little sister.” He gripped his face by the chin, fingers squeezing exceedingly tight on his cheeks before he pushed him off and he hit the floor. 

“I won’t be some parent to you that you could twist around your little fingers, no. I’ll make you into the best man you could be. I will teach you about order. And order only comes through pain,” He drilled into him like a soldier as he stretched his legs back up, his measured steps going to the fridge to fish out a beer. He took a long gulp before he continued, 

“And the sooner you learned that, the better,” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky sat alone at one of the benches by the field at his school, choosing solitude over the roar of the cafeteria after a particularly bad morning at home. Their foster father had woken up drunk and had haphazardly thrown things at them when Bucky accidentally burnt the eggs he had been cooking for his and Becca’s packed lunch for school. He picked on the peanut butter sandwich he prepared, not having the appetite to eat when he heard jeering voices from a group of boys and sounds of flesh being hit again and again with accompanying grunts of pain. He felt his feet move on instinct when he found them by the bleachers, a scrawny boy at the center of a group huddling over him, they were laughing as he tried to fight them off, not once being able to land a punch. The blood pumped in Bucky’s veins, a constant beating in his ears, as he grabbed the biggest of the bullies by the collar and harshly yanked him off the tiny, blonde boy now sprawled on the floor with his skinny arms covering his face. When one of the other kids tried to punch him, he deftly moved out of the way and delivered a swift blow to his stomach, making sure to spare his face so as not to get in trouble. That was how Rumlow did it, might as well use the same trick right? 

“What? Who wants to go next?” He threatened, loving the adrenaline coursing through his veins, the power he had with defending someone so helpless. The lanky blonde boy stood up beside him, blood dripping from his mouth as he held both his fists up, “I can do this all day,” he said, catching his breath but his stance clearly indicated he could barely stand up straight. Bucky just looked at him weirdly, not knowing whether to find him stupid or brave. The bullies stood against them, unsure. Bucky was the same age as them, only slightly bigger. Him and the blonde boy were still clearly outnumbered but Bucky’s eyes held a lethal strength in them, his body coiled with unleashed brutality, ready to fight. The bullies scrambled out of there as fast as they could, their feet tripping over them. 

“Yeah next time, pick on someone your own size!” he hollered before looking back at the blonde boy who looked younger than them but held himself with such maturity that it didn’t seem possible. He decided right then and there he was going to make him his new friend. Rumlow had always taught him about his belief of the natural order of the world, that strength and might always won the day and that order could only be achieved through pain. If you could inflict it on others, you were stronger, better. Weaker men were useless, had to be beaten up and put in their place. “That’s just the way of the world,” he had said. But Bucky was old and smart enough to see right through his facade. He was a bully, feeding off of people who couldn’t fight back. Bucky was going to be different, he wouldn’t bow down to his will. He just needed to protect his sister, spare her from the taint of Rumlow’s anger and prove that he wouldn't become the man Rumlow has been conditioning him to be. 

“You alright?” Bucky asked the boy standing beside him who was touching the bruise forming on his forehead.

“Yeah, thanks for helping me,” he replied sheepishly, ashamed he couldn’t fight for himself.

“Next time, just don’t provoke them, they aren’t worth it.” 

“But they were wrong. Bullies, I’d always stand up to them,” the blonde brushed his hair back from his forehead, determination steeling his voice. Bucky smiled, maybe he could learn a thing or two from this boy too. 

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Steve, what’s yours?”

“Bucky. Steve, you’re a little punk. You know that?” he said teasingly, laughing. 

Steve grinned back, “Jerk,” 

_______________________________________________________________________

Present

The light filtered into the room as the curtains were drawn back harshly causing Bucky to groan on his bed, flitting a pillow to cover his eyes. 

“Buck, come on. Get up,” Steve’s firm voice spoke through the fog in his mind. 

“Get out, Steve, I’m sleeping.” he replied, turning his back to the hand shaking his shoulder.

“How long are you going to do this? It’s been two weeks. Have you even talked to your family yet?” Steve’s judgmental voice rang out, hard and unforgiving. 

“She doesn’t even wanna see me,” he huffed, anger at himself boiling in his veins. He hasn’t seen his daughter in two weeks. Y/N’s short, cold replies to his messages were just updates on how Lizzie was doing, anything regarding Y/N, he had no idea about. He didn’t even know what sort of excuses she made up for Lizzie, how his “work trip” kept getting extended. When the hell could they keep that charade up? He was lucky enough she was letting him talk to his daughter on the phone for a few minutes every once in a while. He sat up on the bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he reached for the bottle of whiskey at the bedside table. These days he could only fall asleep when he’s had one too many to drink and even then, he’d still wake up with a headache that could only be dulled by alcohol. He barely even made it to work everyday. Sam had been good enough to cover for him, staying on neutral ground with everything that’s happening to his marriage although his eyes said otherwise, disappointment etched in them. All the while Steve had ignored him the entire time since the hospital. No amount of apologies moved him from his stance except today, when he suddenly barged into the hotel room Bucky has been renting like he owned the place. 

“Jesus, Bucky, stop that!” He swiped the bottle Bucky held between his lips, splashing amber liquid on his shirt and bed. 

“Damn it, Steve! Look what you did!  Give that back,” Bucky held his arm out, his reflexes slow as he tried to grab it from his friend. 

“Jesus Christ. You smell terrible. How much have you had to drink last night?” Steve fanned the air around him trying to rid the stench of alcohol and sweat.

“How the hell did you even get in here?” Bucky’s pissed off voice grumbled but one look at Steve’s intense stare with his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched, standing straight as a drill sergeant, arms crossed at his chest with his muscles bulging out of his fitted gray Under Armour shirt; he knew. The punk had intimidated his way in. No doubt leaving a poor breathless, flustered receptionist in his wake. 

“You could get that receptionist fired, you know?” He tried appealing to his best friend’s better nature.

“You wouldn’t tell. Plus, it isn’t as if she didn’t get a hefty tip. Go take a shower, Buck, you stink.” Steve didn’t budge, staring him down with a disgusted look on his face. Bucky just scoffed, 

“And then what? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Y/N kicked me out, man. Just go home, you’re wasting your time.” 

Steve’s hardened face softened as he looked at his friend. His eyes were puffy, his skin pale as he scratched his wildly unkempt beard, his greasy hair sticking out on one side. What the hell had happened to Bucky? How had it gone so bad for his friend in a matter of days? He suddenly moved out of instinct, collecting clothes strewn everywhere and packed them into the suitcase at the corner of the room. 

“Steve, what the hell are you doing?” Bucky exhaled loudly. It was too early for this. Where the hell was his drink? 

“Get your ass moving, Bucky. You’re staying at my place,”