#i understand that but it sucks being alone in a different country looking different than everyone else and being of the only few girls in-

[teabutmakeitazure]

20k aven fic is almost complete

i shall post when i am out of the trenches (the big sad)

also, TBT might not end this summer but it's definitely ending this year. it depends on how fast i am able to push out chapters which isnt seeming to be very fast

[thatgoblin]

18 Weeks

Summary: John has to leave for a few weeks for his first mission out of country. Which should be fine, but an unexpected visit makes it more apparent that his new partner and him have a lot of work to do on themselves.

WARNING: Burglary, ANGST, fluff ending, Soap being a dick.

John had been trying to keep himself from getting assigned missions that were longer than a few days, but it was inevitable that he would be sent out longer. Unfortunately, I was almost four months along when he was being sent to some undisclosed location to do undisclosed things with undisclosed people. Well, I knew his full team aside from Johnny was going. The idiot had recently broken his ankle, so he was on medical leave for a month at least.

“Are you going to be okay on your own?” John asked as he washed the dishes next to me as I dried.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve gotten along well so far,” I chuckled. “It shouldn’t be a problem. You won’t be gone too long. You said maybe a week or two.”

“I should be. It’s never a guarantee how long I’ll be gone. The day or two work trips are in country and usually are just trips to a base for a presentation. This is more involved,” he said, handing me a bowl.

“I still think that I’ll be fine. Jesse is coming back from the States so he can come stay with me if anything,” I said. Jesse and John had met and I had never seen something so hilarious and intriguing. Jesse had given him a once over then grilled him on things that flustered John.

The amount of times that John fumbled over his words to answer Jesse about what schools he wanted for the Bean, what type of bank accounts he wanted to give the Bean, if he had plans to stay in the country. They were odd and off the wall that made no real sense, but I couldn’t help but laugh when Jesse asked if John had plans on teaching the Bean the true history of England. John was confused, but also trying his best to answer as if it was normal to explain that he’d teach the Bean how to drive a tractor if necessary.

“Oh, well that should be fine,” John said with a snort.

“Don’t be so put off by him,” I chuckled. “I know for some he’s an acquired taste, but he’s a good person and my best friend.”

“As long as you like him and he’s good to you, that’s all that matters, Love,” John said, nudging me with his elbow.

“Back to when you’ll be home, do you want to wait till the birth to find out the sex of the Bean? I know we were waiting, but I’d like to know,” I said. “Mostly because I want to get started on names.”

“When you can start calling the Bean a baby, then we’ll find out,” John said, smirking as he let the water out of the sink.

“John,” I sighed, drying my hands out. “We already talked about that.”

“And you even said that you should start doing it as well,” John said. “The baby is going to happen and the sooner you start calling Bean a baby, then you’ll feel better. I understand the detachment issues-”

“No, no you don’t,” I cut him off. “I. . . I don’t want to be my mum. I don’t want to be her, but I’m scared that if I get too attached then, IF, another baby comes along, I might treat the second baby worse.”

“Love, no,” John said. “You will be a great mum and you will have different relationships with any children we have after this one. Different isn’t bad. You’re also not alone in this. I’m here, so are the boys.”

“Most of them,” I mumbled as he gave me a look. “I know, I know, Johnny needs more time. I’m trying, John. It just sucks that my own brother has to have time to get used to me being around again.”

“It’s not cut and dry,” John said, reaching out to rub my arms. “It’s messy and I’m sorry that it’s like this. Have you thought any more about finding someone to talk to?”

“I don’t have time, John. I finally got my work under control and don’t have morning sickness,” I said before sighing deeply. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

“A bit, but it’s understandable,” he snorted. “You have a lot on your shoulders and you may have lacked the tools before, but you’re getting them now.”

“I am and I need to use them,” I said, nodding before wrapping my arms around him. My bump pressed against his belly gently as we stood there holding one another. “If I need to, I’ll stay at your place. The Absolute last resort is staying with Johnny.”

“I appreciate it. My place is cleaned up and ready for you if you ever need it,” he said.

The week John left for his job, I was having a hard time with separation anxiety. I didn’t even know that I had that. I guess with having someone around so much that it was turning into an actual relationship, I was letting myself get attached in the first place. It hadn’t been like that for a very long time. John tried to ease my anxiety, saying he’d call when he could and urged me to stay at his place if I wanted to. I had held off on staying over there too long because it felt like it was one step from moving in and I was still reluctant to do so. The need for a back up plan in case anything went wrong was strong enough to keep me from accepting too much help from him.

If he suddenly decided to leave or, at the very worst, he died on a mission, I would be on my own and my sanity would not be able to tolerate that.

The first few days I stayed as busy as I could, but still found myself having a hard time sleeping. Not having anyone there as a barrier let my anxiety run rampant and sleep turned into a joke. Still, I kept working. Taking the bus, despite John insisting I use his car, I at least had that come down time between home and work where I could zone out for half an hour. Routine helped keep me on track, especially since my diagnosis of ADHD, i was doing my best to take care of myself and relearning how to do so.

The fourth day that John was gone, I had found a good rhythm of things. The day started normally and ended with a surprise phone call from John on the way home.

Pulling out my phone, I looked at the number before answering. “ ‘lo?”

“Hello, Love,” John said with a chuckle. “I have a few minutes to spare and wanted to call to check in on things.”

“Hey! Yeah, things are good! How are you?” I asked, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my face. It felt so good to hear his low gruffness that nothing else mattered.

“Good. I’m good. How’s work going?” He asked. John had explained he probably wouldn’t be able to talk about anything he was doing, but he still would want to hear from me.

“They’re good. On my way home from work now. Trying to decide what to eat for dinner. I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier, but the baby wants butter noodles and sausage,” I said with a giggle.

“Well then, if the baby wants it, the baby gets it,” John said with a hum. “Why don’t you try picking out those prepackaged snacks? The ones with the sliced veggies and such. I bet those would help a lot.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll put that on the grocery list,” I said, pulling a pen from my pocket to write it on my hand. “I have a day off tomorrow, so I’m going to go do the shopping then. Anything special you want?”

“Nothing for me, Love,” he said. Which meant he wouldn’t be home for a while. It was disheartening, but it is what it is. “You almost home yet? I know I can’t walk you, but I can stay on the line for a bit till you are.”

“Yeah, just getting to my stop,” I said. The bus pulled over to the stop, letting a few of us off. We went in separate directions, which was normal. “I went to the stop just down the street from us.”

“From us? Have you moved me in without telling me?” He asked.

“I thought about it. What’s stopping me?” I snickered.

“Not a lot, but I know you can’t lift anything bigger than a few books with your condition.”

“Oh shush you. Don’t tempt me to prove you wrong. I’ll put me back out doin’ that,” I huffed. Walking up to the door, I had my keys out and ready to unlock it when I noticed that the door was ajar. Going quiet, I was certain that I had closed and locked the door before I left for the day. That had never been a problem. Still, I had to mentally go through my actions that morning because it didn’t look broken or forced.

“Love, you good?” John asked, pulling me back from my thoughts.

“Yeah. . . Yeah, sorry. The front door is open to my place. I was sure I closed and locked it this morning,” I said, pushing the unharmed door opening with a finger. “I think I just forgot.”

“Don’t go in there,” John said quickly. “Call the police.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “I just forgot.” Stepping into my flat, I stopped in my tracks as my stomach dropped. “I didn’t forget, someone broke in.” The front room was trashed. Things broken or tossed around. Whoever had broken in was looking for something valuable, but I didn’t have any hidden stashes of cash or jewels or anything.

“Leave the house and call the bleedin’ police!” John yelled over the phone. I was about to do so when the bedroom door opened, making me scream and throw the nearest object that happened to be a decorative clock at the person coming out. Hearing John screaming my name as the person who came out of the bedroom screamed as well.

“Johnny! You fucking knob of a cunt!?” I yelled, seeing it was my brother in his walking boot. “What are you doing!?”

“I was drivin’ by and saw the door wide open for anyone and their mum to come in!” He yelled. “I thought you were fuckin’ lying in the floor dead or something!”

“You could have called me! I just got home from work!” I snapped, then remembered that John was on the phone. He was screaming my name over the phone, even Johnny could hear him. “Shit, sorry, Jo,” I said, taking a deep breath.

“What is going on!?” John demanded. I could just see him in my mind, ready to get into a helicopter and fly home from wherever he was.

“Johnny’s here,” I said, rubbing my stomach to sooth myself. “He scared the fuckin’ shite outta me. I’m good, I’m fine. So is the babe.”

“Okay, good. Good. Johnny’s there? Hand him the phone,” he said, breathing heavily. I looked back at my brother as he limped over to me, then handed him the phone. Johnny looked at me confused before taking the phone.

“Soap here,” he said. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but Johnny kept nodding and grunting before handing me the phone back.

“John?” I asked, taking the phone back.

“Pack up a bag and go stay with Johnny till I get back,” he said. I knew that tone. It was the same he used when talking with Gaz about work. I had no choice in this, but I also understood.

“I can go stay at your place, John. It’s-”

“Go stay with your brother. I do not want you alone after this,” John cut me off. “I’m not budging on this, Love. I need you to do this for me. We can talk more when I get home, but for my sanity, please.”

“Alright,” I said with a soft sigh. “I will go stay with Johnny. We’ll clean up a bit then go.”

“Don’t touch anything, Johnny’s calling the cops. Once they’ve cleared it, then pack up and go. I want whoever did this to be caught if possible,” he said.

“I don’t even know if anything is taken, John,” I said, getting irritated. I was getting hungry and tired and my feet were starting to ache, staying longer wasn’t what I wanted to do. “It’s fine.”

“No, this is what is going to happen,” John said firmly. “Johnny’s already calling them. This is not something to sweep up and ignore, Love.”

“So, you know how you point out when I make excuses for things that need to be done? Well, I’m asking you to stop bulldozing me from afar,” I said. “I am tired and I am hungry and the cops will do nothing because they never do. It is a break in with no one hurt so they will take a look around and ask if anything was taken then make minimal effort to do something about it.”

“I know you-”

“No. We’re not going to do this over the phone. Not when you can’t come home tonight so we can talk about it in person,” I said. “Look, I know you are busy with important work and I won’t demand you drop it for me, but I can’t have an argument with you while you are away. So, I’m going to clean up, pack up, and go home with Johnny. When you get home and you still want to discuss this, then we can.”

“Alright,” John said, a soft huff said he was still upset, but I wasn’t having it. “I have to go anyways. Be safe and I’ll call when I can. Love you.”

Oh no.

“Talk to you later. Be safe,” I said before hanging up. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh no.

“So, I already called the police and they’ll send someone soon,” Johnny said, as he went to sit on the couch. I had been looking forward to a quiet night in with some pizza. Now I have my estranged brother on my ripped up couch after an argument with my boyfriend and an unreciprocated ‘Love you.’

“I need a drink,” I groaned, wanting to cry.

“I didn’t think you were supposed to drink while pregnant,” Johnny said, giving me a look.

“No shit, you idiot,” I snapped. “Of course I’m not drinking while pregnant, I just really want one because I just had a pile of shite dumped on me and I can’t do anything about it!”

“You don’t have to yell, Jesus,” Johnny grimaced.

“Out. I want you out. I’m not going home with you, I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t know what John thought by ordering me to stay with you, but it’s not happening,” I said, close to losing it. Pulling out my phone, I dialed Jesse in hopes he could come over and help or I could go to his place.

“Yeah, I’m not telling Price that I let his baby mama walk off after promising I’d keep you safe,” he grunted as he stood up.

“Baby mama?” I snarled, spinning to face him. “I’m your fucking sister and his girlfriend, but you call me your captain’s baby mama? You don’t want anything to do with me anyways, so just go.”

“Happily,” Soap snapped. “You really haven’t changed. Spoiled and entitled.”

“When was I spoiled!? When was I entitled!? Huh!? When!? You fucking know Mum and Dad lied about EVERYTHING they told you and I’m the one that is supposed to give you space and time and I have to give up everything for you! You were the favorite! When you left, it was Saorsia! I have been the ugly duckling since the day I was born and you saw it growing up! You saw how our parents made me miss out on so much stuff because we had to cater to you and our sister! No one came to my graduation, my plays, my school art shows! I was that sad girl that had to accept pity compliments because the kids and teachers knew I would have no one!”

He was quiet as I lost it. Sobbing and yelling and unloading years of repressed jealousy and anger and resentment.

“But once you left for the military, Saorsia was the one they loved. Not me! When I realized they didn’t care or even love me for the fact that I was their kid, I stopped trying to please them. I stopped caring about them. It didn’t even hurt that they blamed our sister’s death on me. What did was that you believed them. That you heard them and didn’t ask me about it. I had no one but our cousin Mike on my side for so long and he did what he could. Without him I would have probably jumped into the fucking ocean long ago. Then,THEN! Everyone is concerned about you! They care about how you’re doing with me back in the picture! John said to go easy on you because it’s an adjustment for you! FOR YOU! Not for me! Not the person who had been shunned and abused and forced to be the scapegoat for everything! I’m pregnant with his baby and he was worried about you!

So, Johnny, fucking tell me how spoiled and entitled I am. Go on?” I said, tears blurring my vision as I was sobbing and nearly sick from yelling so hard.

He was quiet, shifting his body a bit as he kept opening his mouth to say something, but no words came.

“Uh. . . . Everyone alright?” Looking to the front door, a police man stepped in. “There was a call about a burglary, but it looks to be something else.”

“It’s fine. He’s just a guy I know who called it in,” I said, my voice hoarse and cracking. “Uh, I came home and found it like this. Do what you have to, I guess.”

“You sure, ma’am?” The officer asked as he looked at me with concern. I started to rub my bump out of frustration, just ready to kick everyone out and cry.

“I’m sure,” I said, taking deep breaths as I felt my stomach start to hurt from stress and hunger.

“Uh, I’ll get out of your hair,” Johnny said, ducking his head as he walked out the door. The officer looked to me, waiting for me to say something like ‘Now that he’s gone, please save me.’ I didn’t. I let him do his job as I messaged Jesse to come get me. By the time Jesse arrived, I was much calmer, but my eyes were swollen so badly, almost completely shut from how hard I had been crying.

“Oh, puddin’,” he cooed as he came to sit next to me on my destroyed couch. “Come on, let’s get you to a less chaotic home and get some ice for your poor face.” He helped me pack a bag and put in a new lock for my door. “I’ll clean this up tomorrow. Don’t worry about it.” I had just about lost my voice as well, so all I could do was nod and follow. At his place, I went right to the bedroom and flopped down. The evening was spent with Jesse giving me ice and warm tea as he put on Hollyoaks reruns and we laid in bed cuddling. While Jesse was gay, he didn’t care who was in his bed, they would be cuddled. I definitely needed it.

He helped me call into work for the rest of the week after I explained via phone notes app what had gone down, considering my house had been broken into and I was going to the clinic to get looked at as my eyes were still swollen and I felt like pure garbage.

“Does this mean I get to be the baby’s father now?” Jesse asked as we finished with the doctor’s office and were going back to his place.

“Yes,” I squeaked, my voice still not that great. “I am either going to break up with John or he’s going to leave me after this.”

“Do you want to break up with him?” He asked, leading me to the kitchen to make me some more tea as that was the only thing my throat would allow me to drink.

“I don’t want to,” I said with a sigh as I sat at his table. “I want to be with him, but I can’t have him ordering me around like that. I’m not one of his soldiers.”

“Maybe you should bring it up with him,” Jesse said. “When does he get back?”

“That’s part of the problem. I don’t know when he’ll be back,” I said, taking out the medicated cream to put on my eyes. It was a localized steroid so it was fine to use and wouldn’t affect the baby. One less thing to worry about. “Also he told me he loved me yesterday before we ended the call.”

“Oh shit, really?” Jesse said, pausing. “Did you say it back? Do you love him?”

“I didn’t say it back and I don’t know if I love him or not,” I said. “I’m just a mess right now. So much so that I don’t even know if I love myself.”

“I’m sorry, Boo,” he cooed, putting the kettle on before coming over to give me a hug. “You’ve got a lot going on. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?”

“I have actually. John wants me to so I can deal with my family’s bullshit,” I said, resting my head against him.

“Maybe you two should see a couple’s therapist, that way everyone gets some help.”

“Doubtful,” I sighed. “Pretty sure John thinks he’s the sane one in this relationship and doesn’t need help.”

“He’s a career military man, he definitely needs therapy,” Jesse snorted. “Besides, he probably needs help learning to communicate with you so you understand. You’ve only known each other for a few months now.”

“Except he understands my brother just fine,” I said. “He knows Johnny and it’s been a few years for him, but apparently he knows Johnny so he knows me.”

“John doesn’t know you because he knows your brother,” Jesse said. “You are not your brother. Just because you share DNA does not make you the same person and that’s where he’s going wrong. You are not his soldier and you’re not in the military, so working with you will be different. It sounds like he needs to be told that. I know it sounds like he should just understand, but John’s always around soldiers. It’s probably easy to forget how us civilians work.”

“You’re probably right,” I said with a nod. “I’m just. . . I’m tired, Jess. I know relationships take work and it’s not always sunshine and roses, but I’m tired of having to make sure people respect me. It probably sounds selfish and childish, but I just want a partner who doesn’t feel the need to run me over and control everything.”

“That doesn’t sound selfish or childish,” Jesse said, sitting down. “You’ve had that with every relationship, including your family. Speaking of, how do you feel now that you’ve unloaded onto Johnny?”

“Honestly? At first it felt good. Like I just verbally vomited a sickness out of me, but now I’m depressed because he didn’t say anything. He just looked shocked that I said all that and then left. I don’t know what I was hoping for.”

“You were hoping he would support you like you’ve wanted to for a very long time,” Jesse said. “It sounds like you may never have that support, even though you want it so badly. It makes you feel more alone, but you also won’t be waiting for something that will never come.”

“Why did it take me getting pregnant for all this to happen?” I asked with a sniffle. I didn’t need to be crying, but I just felt so despondent. My relationships were crumbling and once more I felt like I was backed into a corner with only Jesse there.

“Because the universe is a bitch,” he snorted. I could at least give a chuckle at that.

~::~::~::~Somewhere in Turkey~::~::~::~

John ended the call with you with a bad taste in his mouth. He felt stupid for saying ‘Love you’ to a person he’d known for only a few months to have it not returned. The roller coaster of emotions from the call had his head swimming as he went back inside. Why did you have to fight with him and push him away when he was working so hard to be what you needed? John would take care of everything if he could. You wouldn’t have to work or worry about anything if you’d let him in.

Sighing heavily, he went to his temporary office only to find Laswell getting into his scotch.

“Sorry, long day,” she said, pouring herself a hefty glass. Seeing his face, the pinched frown that seemed to make a permanent home on his brow on that mission, she poured a second glass. “I’m guessing you need this too.” John snorted and nodded. “I’m guessing the call home didn’t go well?”

“Her place was burgled when she got home,” he said. “Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack when she screamed only for it to be that fucking muppet of a brother of hers.”

“So everything’s good then?”

“It’s a fucking mess and I made it worse,” he sighed, taking the glass from Kate before having a seat next to her. “I told her to go stay with Johnny and call the cops, but she argued, like always. Said they wouldn’t be of any use and didn’t want to deal with her brother.”

“She’s right,” Kate said. “Cops won’t do anything unless she’s high priority or something big was stolen. No one was hurt, right?”

“No, she’s fine. Got home afterwards to find Johnny checking on things. I talked to him and told him to pack her bag if he had to and she’d be staying with him till I got back. When I told her what was happening, she dug her heels in and didn’t want to. Ended up having to put a pin in the mounting fight and before we hung up, I told her I loved her,” John said, looking at the glass in his hand. The amber liquid wobbled a bit as he turned it this way and that like it was a crystal ball. If he stared hard enough he could see the future and make things work.

“She didn’t say it back, did she?” Kate asked. John looked up at her to shake his head. “You’d be happier if she had though.”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I do love her and not just because she’s carrying my child. She’s different, Laswell. Not like in movies where she’s a shining vision under heaven’s light, but she’s just different. It drives me mad that she won’t let me help her with things she obviously needs help with and it makes it worse when she doesn’t even ask or acknowledge she does need help.”

“Maybe she doesn’t need or want a white knight riding in to fix things for her,” Kate said. “I mean, on paper and every romance novel I’ve read, you’d be the perfect guy. You ride into town and solve all her problems, end of story with some nice sex on the side. Sounds like the perfect story to the perfect couple. Except neither of you are perfect. In fact, I bet from her point of view, you’re almost over bearing. Sure, you’ve got good intentions and just want to help, but she’s her own person. She’s not someone for you to fix like your second hand projects that I know are mounting up in your garage.”

John wanted to argue that he wasn’t in the wrong, that you were just being difficult to be difficult, but Kate was right. He knew your history and knew your relationship with your family. You had to be self-sufficient.

“You have a good heart, John. But give the woman some agency. I mean, you tried to order her to stay with her estranged brother, who by everything I’ve heard, doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like him. It’s not your job to make her life perfect,” Kate said, reaching out to give his arm a squeeze.

“Then what is my job?” John asked. He was a provider, someone to take care of everything so that his team was always prepared. Hell, he made sure they were taken care of off duty as well. It was hard to hold back on those instincts to just care for someone, especially the mother of his child.

“To be her partner. Not her leader or captain, but partner. You’re both on the same level here and need to work together. Which means compromise and listening when she says she doesn’t want to do something, even if it’s in her best interest to do that thing. Support her and she’ll support you,” Kate said, taking a sip of her drink.

“How’d you get so smart on relationships?” John asked with a snort.

“Truthfully, my wife and I hit a bad patch about five years ago. We even separated for a few months before we went to relationship counseling and couples therapy,” Kate said. “I would recommend both of you going as well. Paula and I still do once a month or so, just to make sure we have more tools to work with. We love one another, but love isn’t enough to make things work.”

John was always glad to have Kate as a friend, but other times, like that moment, he was relieved she had taunted him at that bar in Liverpool about ‘soccer.’

~::~::~::~::~

It was nearly two weeks since John had left and we had talked a few more times since the day I had a meltdown at my brother. Things were cordial and he kept saying ‘I love you.’ at the end of each call, but I never did. He didn’t ask if I felt the same way or push for an answer, he would just say it like he was signing a letter before hanging up. Johnny was radio silent as well. I hadn’t seen him or heard from him and I was wrestling with how to be okay with that. Jesse moved in a bit, helping me replace things that needed to be as well giving me a break from my stress to talk about his life. He owned a local car shop that he worked at part of the week, which gave him freedom to help my sorry ass. Jesse would say it was just payback for me housing him for three months when he first moved here to be with his now ex, Timur.

Sometimes I needed to forget about myself and dive into the wide world of Jesse. He had met Timur through my cousin Mike after Jesse came to visit after being friends with me over the internet for years. Timur was part of the Spetznats unit that was stationed in Hereford that worked with other military operators as well. While the romance didn’t last, they were still good friends. Jesse had fallen in love with the country and decided to stay, so I helped him get his citizenship.

It was on a trip to visit his friends in D.C. that he met his long distance boyfriend, Vlad. Excuse me, boyfriends. Vlad AND Nathan. Vlad was a Ukrainian citizen who owned several night clubs in the area and Nathan did something with banks. Jesse was always vague about it, but I always forgot as he told stories of their dirty rendezvous’ and secret meetings. Apparently Jesse and the men had a penchant for office kinks. While I wasn’t exactly the most knowledgeable, I could appreciate his triumphs.

I was officially 20 weeks along when John came home. I was getting ready to go to a check up when there was a knock at the door. In the span of two weeks, my hips had started to spread and hurt like hell, meaning I waddled more than walked. The baby bump grew a few inches as well, making me fear how big this child would be when I gave birth. Getting to the door, I opened it to find John standing there with a bouquet of tulips and an armload of other items that were just stacked on one another with another language on them.

“Hi,” he said. “Uh, is this a bad time?”

“Not really,” I said, confused and caught off guard. “I’m about to go to a doctor’s appointment, if you want to come.” His face lit up as I stepped aside to let him in. “Just let me get a vase for the flowers real quick.”

“Okay.” It was awkward, having him home again after everything, because we suddenly didn’t know how to act around one another. Once I found a vase, a new one that Jesse had bought for me when we were getting replacement items, I filled it with water before placing the flowers in it. “There’s some food in these boxes, but nothing to worry about keeping out of the fridge,” he said, setting the rest of the items on the kitchen counter.

“Okay, sounds good. We better go if we want to get there on time,” I said, moving to grab my purse and jacket.

“I can drive us, if you want,” he said. I paused, turning to look at him. Had he just offered to drive us instead of telling me he was driving us? “We don’t have to,” he quickly added when I continued to stare at him.

“No, you can drive us,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him as he shifted under my gaze.

“What?” He asked.

“Are you sure you’re John Price?” I asked. “Last I checked, you didn’t really ask me about anything.”

“Jesus,” John groaned, rolling his eyes as he relaxed. “Just go get in the jeep.”

“That’s the John I know and love,” I giggled. Seeing his cheeks get a bit rosy as he straightened his posture, I stepped out to go to his jeep that was parked just outside my place. The tension was cut and things began to relax into our usual selves. I asked him how work was, he gave vague answers then asked how I was doing, I complained about the bodily changes of pregnancy in graphic detail and laughed at his embarrassed/grossed out reactions.

Once at the doctor’s office, we checked in then were seen. An ultrasound was done as usual, which meant we got to stare with tearful smiles at how our baby was doing.

“Do you want to know the sex of the baby?” The nurse asked as she snapped pictures for us to have.

“What do you want, Love?” John asked me. Last we had spoken, he wanted to wait till I could call the baby a baby because it meant I was over whatever trauma I held onto and I had wanted to know regardless, but now he was asking me? I swallowed a lump in my throat as I took his hand to give a kiss.

“We want to know,” I said, turning back to the nurse with a smile.

“Alright,” she said, showing us the screen. “There is your perfectly healthy, baby girl.”

John tightened his grip on my hand as we both let out a teary laugh as we looked at one another.

“We’re having a little girl,” he said, sniffling as he leaned down to give me a kiss.

“We’re having a little girl,” I cried, smiling before I kissed him back. For that brief moment, everything was perfect and as it should be. We took our pictures home, ready to share with our friends the good news. But when we got home, there were some unfortunate familiar faces waiting for us.

Once we were parked, I frowned as I stepped out of the jeep.

“Mum? Dad?” I said, eyes going wide. Oh fucking hell.

Series Masterlist

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Taglist: @birdstoprey @sebbytheraccoon @pricescigar @alwaysshallow @sae1kie @sleepydang @lexi-zsy09 @ghostlywhiskey @ghosts-cyphera @poohkie90 @neothewitch @shadofireshinobi

[gachagon]

Another thing 86 did that I really wish more of these anime that have racism allegories did is that it portrayed bigotry as a very realistic thing that has the potential to exist in everyone and not just "bad guys". Like when Shin and the other 86 make it to Giad, everything seems fine and dandy, until they actually start working in the military.

The Giad government aside from the actual president was trying desperately to label Shin and the others in a way they could understand, and when those labels just wouldn't stick, they turned to ostracizing them.

Like there were so many times in that second half of the show where they were constantly treated with kiddie gloves, pity, and like they weren't traumatized soldiers who just came back from a war. They have to deal with people they've never met assuming both the worst of their situation, and those who flippantly blow off the severity of it. The story that they're "Traumatized little boys and girls" is so pervasive in that society that they just keep getting sent actual toys for children, and I thought that part was kind of interesting because it shows that even though people will have this need to connect on a deeper level with those who are hurt, they will ignore key details about those people 100% of the time.

It reminded me of when Theo snapped at Lena because she "didn't even bother to ask [our] names!" when they lost more of their comrades. Back then, Lena wanted to empathize with them and cared about being perceived as a good person and not like the others, but she neglected to treat them as actual people in the process. In a sense, those people sending the gifts of toys and kids clothes to the army for the "poor, down trodden 86 kids" are doing the same thing. They don't know anything about Shin and the others, and they never really bothered to try to learn.

And the part that got ME the most fucked up was the rampant jealousy that was leveled at them because they were good at their job. I cannot IMAGINE coming from a war from a nation that treated me like shit, having to fight for a different country made up of people like me in the hopes that maybe i'll get treated better, only to have most of the people I work with resent me because I'm "too good" and "think i'm better than everyone" because I had "more experience."

And it does sicken me to think that those other soldiers were even remotely thinking these kids were looking down on them because of their experience on the battlefield. It's such a ridiculous idea, but it's also just so realistic because that kind of thing DOES happen to people in real life! It's infuriating to go through some tough shit and then have complete idiots think you're "cool" because of what happened to you, that people would treat your trauma as a shiny medal they wish they could pin on their own shirt to show off.

And I think 86 is the only anime I've watched that had this kind of racism allegory really show that side of bigotry. Shin and the others were treated like worse than scrap metal by everyone in the republic except for Lena, yet when they make it to Giad what do ppl think of them? They call them "The Republic's Monsters" as if they had any real say in being trained for war. Nobody but Lena will ever really "get it" and understand how much it sucked being alone out there with no support for years. I wish I could shake that dumb soldier (marcel) who blamed Eugene's death on Shin and tell him "Look dumbass, you don't want to be him! It sucks being him actually!! Nobody should have to go through that shit ever!!!" lol

[frozenwolftemplar]

Writer's Month Day 20: Different First Meeting

Fandom: Tangled: the Series

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,287

I had something longer planned, but quite honestly didn't feel up to editing something long. Then @twotangledsisters mentioned a favorite Eugene & Cassandra fic, which got me thinking about their dynamic. Somehow, that evolved into this, an AU where Eugene and Lance's orphanage was located in Corona and they meet Cass as kids.

Hope you enjoy!

+++

“Gotta say, Arnie:” Eugene Fitzherbert drew in a deep breath of air as he strode up Queen’s Avenue, sighing with satisfaction at the scents of baking bread, the thin wisps of smoke from morning fires, and various other aromatic hallmarks of a mildly-nice Corona city street. “The world just feels different when you’re ten.”

“Really?” Arnwaldo blinked over at him, eyes agog with nine-year-old wonder. “How?”

Eugene stopped to draw another breath, this time more thoughtful, chin high and arms akimbo. “Manlier.”

“Wow...” Arnwaldo gazed awestruck up at his friend, cutting an unprecedentedly mature figure against the backdrop of Walton’s Butchery. “And what’s *that* like?”

Eugene looked down at Arnwaldo with a patronizing grin, the kind he saw grown-ups directing at kids who were likable despite knowing nothing about the world. “Can’t really describe it, buddy, but you’ll understand when you’re older. Now come on.” He flipped a half-copper into the air, the consolation awarded to every orphanage kid when another year of their lives passed by at that dismal little building. “Hope the markets are ready for Eugene and Arnwaldo, the big spenders of the day!”

*************************

After much deliberation, the newly-minted ‘man’ and his year-younger buddy decided to spend their untold riches on the splendor that was a caramel apple (discounted, with a wink, down from the usual three coppers after Uncle Monty learned of then expressed his admiration for “Corona’s newest gentleman”). Sitting on a crate overlooking the square, the boys took turns savoring bites of the delicacy that was Eve’s temptation coated in sticky-sweet ambrosia until all that remained was the stick, which Eugene handed over to Arnwaldo without fuss (because men didn’t argue over who got to lick the stick. Plus Arnwaldo really liked doing that).

“Ah.” Eugene leaned back comfortably, sun-warmed brick against his back. “Manhood’s great.”

“I’ll say,” Arnwaldo concurred, licking the stick (because what could be better than having a generous ‘big spender’ man as you best buddy?).

Stomach comfortably filled with sugar, Eugene relaxed and let his gaze drift over the square, taking in the friendly bustle of before him.. Every inch of the square fluttered with activity, noise, and color, a thousand smaller stories playing out within that one larger one of Corona on Market Day. Housewives with baskets over their arms inspected turnips and pumpkins and other harvested goods, pressing their thumbs into them to check for the warning bell that was ‘give;’ men in country garb swapped stories and worked out barters as they sipped ale under a cafe awning (pity he didn’t have a second copper; he’d like to try that aspect of manhood); off to a side, Old Man Olson had set up his usual queek stand and was jovially taking bets from the crowd of onlookers that always assembled there; off to another, a fat woman with a basket over her arm (probably someone’s cook, judging by her garb and mien) inspected a pen full of milling, honking geese, trying to discern the unlucky plumpest of their lot. Sounds of industry and snippets of conversation flew like flushed birds from every which way, crashing into one another and forming an amalgam of voices and discourses that swelled to fill the space with a wonderful din. It wasn’t loud enough to be deafening, by far; just loud enough to make you feel not so alone in the world, and Eugene sighed.

Being an orphan sucked, but being an orphan in Corona, he was sure, sucked less than it would in other places, because life in Corona, he could admit was pretty sweet.

“Cut it out!”

...At least, he thought it was.

Eyes he hadn’t realized were drifting shut flew open, and Eugene searched for the source of the indignant voice. Off to a side, not terribly far from his crate, a girl with short black hair (short? Weird. Girls could have short hair?) and a brown dress peeled away from a knot of kids laughing uproariously and pelted down the alley the girl had disappeared down.

He frowned. He knew that kind of laughter.

“Where you going, Eugene?” Arnwaldo asked as Eugene leapt, deft and catlike, from the crate. He clambered down after him, tossing the licked-clean stick over his shoulder to make the leatherworker’s dog’s day.

Eugene didn’t answer, simply striding over to the knot of kids. “Hey!” He waited until he had the group’s attention, then tilted his head towards the girl’s alley in an indicating way. “What was that all about?”

One boy, tall with too-short sleeves and trouser legs, the obvious ringleader, stepped to the front with a vulpine grin. “Aw, nothing much. Just having a little fun.”

“That girl didn’t look like she was having fun,” Eugene tossed back with set expression.

“Pfft, Cassandra?” The boy waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry ‘bout her. She’s always that way about things. Can’t take a joke. Besides,” he leaned in closer, as if they were the only two kids in the world who were in on a mature-boys-only secret, and said with a waggish wink: “Cast-offs like her don’t really count for anything, you know?”

Oh, Eugene knew.

And he also knew that certain duties came with manhood.

The boy was taller than him and wiry to boot, the kind who would win fights if he chose to pick them, but Eugene didn’t think about that; you *didn’t* think when the world turned red before your eyes. Without a word, he stepped forward and shoved the boy, hard

A gasp, peppered with squeals, ripped through the assembled kids as their leader stumbled backwards, caught his heel on a rebelliously eleven cobblestone, failed to recapture his balance and- “OOF!” -landed hard on his rear in a murky, questionable-looking puddle.

Eugene smirked as a silence fell over the group. Judging by the stench of that puddle, a horse had as much a hand in it as as last night’s rain. Good. Served the turd right. Cast-offs had it hard enough without morons like whatever-his-name-was teasing them for no good reason. Satisfied at the comeuppance he’d dealt, he turned on his heel and marched, head high and self-assured, down the alley the girl- Cassandra- had disappeared down.

“Hey!” The boy shouted after dealing out his own shove at a boy who’d dared to snigger at his state. “Where do you think you’re going?” (No one made a fool of him and got away with it).

“What’s it to you?” Eugene spat over his shoulder. “Cast-offs don’t count, remember?”

There was a silent beat as Eugene’s words sunk in, then a scoff. “Suit yourself, bonehead!” The boy shouted back, unrepentant. “It’s your funeral!”

“Eugene?” Arnwaldo, conquering his awe at Eugene’s boldness in the face of kids with parents who could complain to the Sisters and earn you a whipping (gosh, he couldn’t wait until he was ten and a Man), whispered as he fell in step beside Eugene. “Are you sure ‘bout this? Going to see that girl? I mean, what if there’s a reason those kids don’t like her?” He didn’t mention ‘funeral’ lingering in the air after them.

Eugene’s eyes darkened int he dim light of the alley. Arnwaldo’s ma died after having him, and his pa got kicked in the head by a mad cow not long after. He didn’t know what it was to be burdened with that especial sort of pain, deep and aching, that being abandoned by your own parents left behind; could never understand the scar it left across your soul, so cold it burned, and that continued to pulse raw and angry *years* after it first bled. But Eugene...did.

And he wasn’t about to let this girl, this Cassandra, suffer through it alone like he did.

+++

Author's Note: Part two coming soon! 😊

[here4theheartbreak]

Ohhhh, I'm so jealous you could go to a cup sleeve event! The closest one to me is almost 4 hours away. 😂 It's amazing that there was so many people! Ahhh, our Ateez are famous~! ✨

The lack of Korean fans blows my mind every single time I think about it. They have been so beloved globally from day one (and even before day one) but they still don't have that in their own country. It's insane! I'm glad they've embraced the 'global idol' title though. Everytime i hear it in an interview intro I'm like 'at least Korea knows they're truly loved elsewhere'. But the way they do sooooo much for K-tiny and still can't get the traction. It's crazy. No one is doing more.

Guerilla is such a good MV! What a great introduction! And it sounds so cool~ I really love that their songs span genres. I feel like there must be four or five different styles in Halazia alone. (Also, I agree. I'm typically not into summery, softer songs or slower ballads. But I actively listen to all of Ateez's songs. In fact, some of my consistent faves fit right into this category!)

Their story/lore is incredible. Sometimes I feel like I understand everything less than most of the members (😂) but I'm alllll about it! It's so cool that they have this one arc. That it's been the same story this whole time. Truly amazing. Concept kings. I'm gonna need a film one day. It's all so cinematic and intriguing.

Ateez, Stray Kids, and Taemin is an AMAZING (and very tempting) line up. But you should definitely hold out. Because then you get to see Ateez for 3 hours and that's 🥰🥺. And you know they actually know what a 'world tours' is. So, it's just a waiting game!

I saw them in London. It's always London for me!

Yessss, I did see the stats! They're grown so much, even in six months. And the first day sales looked amazing! I've been streaming on Spotify and having a great old time. Really, Atiny have done so well. Especially with buying passes for Korean platforms. It was so cute when Wave was number one because everyone was practicing. 🥺

I hope voting goes well and they win most of the music show awards they'll be up for. I want them to see that their efforts pay off at home!

Haha I don't know what questions you'd even ask me really. Best livestream where they were all decending into madness? The best Seonghwa third wheeling Woosan vlive? The closest Hongjoong came to just being DONE with looking after the 99s? 😂😂 Yessss, I'm always ready to chat Ateez tbh. They're the only group I've kept up with the whole time. 🧡

Have you watched their Treasure Film series/show on YouTube yet? I was rewatching it the other day and I forgot how much I love it! So gooood! And funny! 😂

Ah this took ages to answer lol - sorry; I was rearranging my room this weekend 🙃 and my app never notifies me of asks.

Anyways, yeah the cupsleeve was so nice. I'm lucky to live on one side of a pair of decently sized cities with a diverse population here, so we get a handful of nice events (one of the local gay bars hosts a kpop night monthly, for example).

I've been to a cupsleeve for Taemin, Stray Kids, and then I helped my friend host one for OnlyOneOf - they were all really fun but did not even begin to prepare me for the intensity of the Ateez one. I was baffled; the Skz one was held at the same location and it was a graveyard by comparison. I didn't take many pictures bc I was caught up chatting and there was no way to take them without a ton of people in the photo lol - but these are the few from the event;

I agree with you, regarding the global idol title; I think it's really well deserved and is serving them well. They really deserve more notice in KR though; it sucks that they get overlooked just bc of not being a Big 4; if anything people should pay more attention since those are the hidden gems, you know?

Bouncy has a kpop sort of vibe to it though, moreso than some of the other title tracks of theirs I've heard, so hopefully folks pay a little more attention this time around. I heard they got their first win for Bouncy this morning though! So that's something positive.

Halazia was unbelievable; I was impressed when I heard it and even moreso when I saw the m/v. I finally sat down and listened to their entire discography this weekend while doing cleaning and realized I genuinely can't find a skip song with them for the most part. 😭

Also yes!! 100% on a movie - this would make an amazing full length film or hell, even a miniseries; it's such a complex and well written storyline. I'm mad I didn't pick up the diary version of Outlaw bc I need to know what happens next. (I have all 3 versions coming but they won't be here for a while bc they're being sent with my albums from SHINee's comeback at the end of June; I could only afford one of their albums from the store here bc they were so much more expensive than they are in the KR shop I use. >.<)

Seeing the way atiny treat the group and each other and work together is so heartwarming. It's interesting, to have it be largely on the international fans' shoulders to push them to the spotlight in both the wider world and KR; but the teamwork is super fun to see. I haven't been this actively involved in a kpop fandom since I quit doing it for my og group (just stuck mostly to the sidelines, reblogging pretty pictures, etc for my other groups) - but I'm enjoying it so much more so far; I don't feel the same kind of guilty pressure that I've felt elsewhere.

They have so much content too holy - I've been trying to catch up and I feel like I haven't even scraped the surface yet lol - Every time I think I've managed to finish one section I realize there's x or y other things I missed lol. I did not even know the Treasure Film series existed until you mentioned it 😂 - but it looks like M2 did it; I love the games/variety type shows that company has done, so I'm eager to watch it! Thank you for mentioning it!

Rn I'm working my way through Wanteez between the new stuff for these promotions; these guys have done so many variety series jfc lol.

Also Woosan. Bless those two. They are so dumb. I love them so much. I would like to point out, that I did not want them. I specifically pointed out San to my friend when we watched Guerrilla and said "anyone but that one". (He startled me by resembling someone in an unsettling way when I first glanced at him and I didn't like it lol - he doesn't resemble said person now that I recognize them all tho thankfully).

But I apparently had no say in him, since he was the one that kept sticking out in everything and his personality is exactly what I gravitate to in a bias (the big oaf with a loud mouth and a heart of gold, always a little confused but he's got the spirit, scary duality) -- normally I do find a second bias within a few months that vibes with my first, but I didn't even get a say in that since not only did San tell me 'no, I'm right here and you're going to pay attention to me', he did it while dragging that scrappy little devil along by the hand V_V I couldn't just adopt him without Woo. (I was quite disgruntled about that one too - I don't bias visuals or dancers dammit - I have avoided them in most of my groups so far.

Plus! Where's my rapper bias??? I thought I'd add HJ as my second but nope, instead I get the 'friends as far as the altar' Tom and Jerry pair and 6 bias wreckers since none of them can stay in their damn lane for more than a few minutes at a time. 😂 (My friend said that'd happen tho so I can't say I wasn't warned).

(Do you have a bias btw? A favorite mv or performance I (likely) may have missed?)

[thirtheenprimes]

Worst period cramps in years

Got fired

In the only person on earth who cares about my cat

No one wants to spend time with me in my space

This year in a row I have to pay instead of getting money back from taxes

Taxes didn't even go through last year didn't know that rift it was wired how the federal govt didn't take that money out around April

Bought a different couch last year because I was told she'd spend more time at my house if I had a comfier place to sit, that was a lie

Moved to be closer to my job, then was forced to get a new job

Most of my waking hours are spent at work and the rest I don't have the energy to do things I enjoy

I fucking stuck at DMing

All my life experiences are useless all my knowledge is foundless

Lost my classroom to a better teacher a month ago

Construction in front of my house until April

Trash truck can't get to my house because of construction so I have to take it to the end of the road

Two packages never arrived last year and never will

Starving myself this last no my because the sensation of being hungry is comforting and the thought of cooking/ eating is terrible

My favorite food is expensive as hell at all restraints where I live for no obvious reason

Can't convince the person closest to me to do anything for me without begging

Is rather do everything for myself than feel bad for making someone who obviously doesn't want to help me

Im so good damn alone

I hate my country so much I don't want to have kids anymore

Healthcare sucks

Bigotted Christianity infecting politics/schools/ average citizens' biases/ everything fucking sucks

All of my interests and favorite things are standard 'cringe culture' and are made fun of every time I see them online

Every time I express anger of frustration in the (constant) solitude of my own house my dog thinks I'm mad at her and I feel bad

I have no money but lots of debt

One of the two most important people in my life is a stranger to me now and I can't understand her

My life is going nowhere I'm aroace and I don't want to get married but I don't want to be alone

I want a qpr

I want to live in my friends attic or basement end goal

Nobody wants that though who would want their own life, home, family, etc plus the unattached clingy autistic thing taking up space in their life?

In so tired of living alone

Of living

Of having to be the one to beg people to come over and feeling like I'm running their day for insisting on being in my space

People say they'll come over to my house but they don't do it I have to beg

Only one person actually uses they/them for me and they're so far away

I had a few unsuccessful runs with therapists. One said I have ptsd from childhood and depression

What can they do for me? What's wrong with me is my inability to continue functioning in this shitty fucking imperialist, denial-laden, boot-licking, hateful, capitalist society and what can a therapist do to fix that? Give me mess and say "pretend the world isn't burning"?

What can they do for me in an hour once a month? It would take a year for them to understand my brain enough to tell me something I don't already know. How much money it would cost just to catch a stranger up to speed? Before they'd be useful?

I haven't looked at the stars in so long. In pretty sure that's illegal unless I'm with a school or outreach organization. Parks are closed at night and I can't see shit from my house.

I'm not asking for help. I can't ask for help. I won't ask for help. That's my toxic trait and it's one of the last bits of my life I can control. I feel like I've asked for help so much already, but not directly enough because being told 'yes' and forgotten is so much more painful than being ignored.

No one is really meant to read this but the Narrarator is right, there is a difference between talking to no one and talking to someone who isn't listening. This is me, pretending to talk to someone, when I know this silly little website full of bullying and memes isn't technically anyone.

[peachesnabsinthe]

Almost Two Weeks of Unemployment

** Tw/cw: This post contains discussions on chronic physical and mental illness. Things that may be discussed include personal medical diagnoses, treatment, and disability. Please be mindful before reading!**

So it has been almost 2 weeks of unemployment for me. It's been so difficult. I didn't think that I would take it so rough.

I did have my doctors appointment on Monday, and I was diagnosed with hEDS and POTS ( I have a whole list of other diagnoses as well, being disabled is SO FUN hahaHagfljsdga). It has been a very, very LONG and tedious process and I'm beyond exhausted. I've honestly been struggling with pretty severe suicidal ideation as well (don't worry, I'm fine, and any fellow folks struggling with this as well, I see you, and I feel you, and you're gonna be fine too believe it or not). I had been afraid of losing my job and my life drastically changing due to my physical health for many years, and now that it's happening, I've been struggling with such overwhelming grief.

However, I KNOW that this is the best decision I made, BECAUSE of the lifestyle changes that I'm going to have to make in order to get back to living more comfortably (and of course to just function in a more healthy/sustainable way). I already have an XRAY appointment set up to look at my neck/shoulder, hips, and hands. I am also going to start the Dallas-Levine Exercise Protocol soon, though I really need to do some research on whether or not I even have access to a Physical Therapist or someone/something to assist me (I'm honestly nervous to do it on my own, I sometimes injure myself just doing basic, low-impact 10 minute yoga videos).

I'm also incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful that my partner, friends and family have been so supportive and kind about everything going on. The majority of them don't know how to handle this, which is understandable because it's a lot and I don't know how to handle it either! I don't need anyone to give me tips or any advice, just them listening and holding space for me is so helpful. I am able to stop working and have the ability and privilege now to JUST focus on my health, and not many people get to do this. My new health insurance situation appears to be good, and I have a new PCP that actually gives a shit about me. And in this godforsaken country and state (howdy Okies), that's a damn good thing! Don't EVEN get me started on a healthcare discussion, I'm apparently not supposed to get too agitated or else my POTS flares up lmfaaaoo so I won't go there.

But yea. It's been rough. This week so far has been pretty intense. It's so hard trying to deprogram myself. All my life I have been told that I'm too sensitive, I'm a baby, you're just weak, it's not that bad, people have it worse than you, etc. and FUCK. ALL. THAT. NONSENSE. Zoë was a sick child, and is still a sick adult, and that's fine! Now I get to do what I need to do to heal myself, and it fucking sucks and seems miserable right now, but I'm alive and I have to keep going. Because there's still things to experience, even if I have to experience them in a way that is different from everyone else. My body and brain will never be like other people's, and that's okay! I get to deprogram and learn how to live my life in a way that will be best for me.

All that to say, if you are also struggling with mental and/or physical illness, you're not alone. and I see you.

[bougieblkbimbo]

what is love?

because i never truly felt it

sure my mom, dad and friends have told me they love me but i don’t feel anything

i learned early on as a black woman, nobody loves you,

your family’s love can be conditional,

your friends love can also be conditional,

and a lot of the men that say “i love black women” are bull shitters, they like that they can use us

people like to have black women around and not really value us as women.

people like that were strong,

people like what we can do for them,

people like our aesthetics,

but they don’t actually like us.

we get ignored,

forgotten about,

rejected,

used,

abused,

and the list goes on….

in my personal life,

i was only praised about my abilities and what i can bring to others such as emotionally, physical, and mentally,

i was only praised when i would bend over backwards for people to use, abuse, neglect , and suck the life out of me,

i was only praised when i was the “party friend” that people liked to hang around for a good time, but when shit goes down, y’all were no where to be found.

trying to make friends my whole life and being ostracized, and seeing how much easier others had it than me,

trying to live up to the standards of people around me and still not being “perfect enough for them” and every single thing i would try to do would be critiqued

trying to be as attractive as possible because of the beauty standards and how people literally don’t treat black women the same as other races of women and lighter women because they’re seen as more worthy of respect, kindness and care,

whereas i’m seen as the bitch you can disrespect, the friend you can take advantage of.

being a black girl that has never fit in my whole life,

im tired of living up to the standards that people want me to be.

people want me to be the type of black girl that’s a stereotype.

people want me to be a “jezebel”, that’s why they overseuxalize me because im apparently the definition of “pretty for a dark skinned girl”.

that phrase doesn’t mean shit. it just means you’re attractive enough to fuck but not really take seriously and be seen in public with and be seen as someone to actually be valued and respected.

people want me to have low self esteem. people expect me to settle for any person and build them up, stress myself out, and also waste my prime on someone because god forbid a black woman has standards. apparently because we don’t fit the eurocentric standards of beauty, and we’re seen and showed we’re “the last picked”, we can’t have standards and expect to be treated well, even though that’s the bare minimum

people want me to be a mammy. I gotta always be emotionally available to hear about boy problems, drama with your own friends, be the emotional support. But when i talk about my issues when i’m struggling and hurting, i don’t feel seen. i’m not seen. i’m gaslighted, people don’t understand, people don’t even really empathize with me because i’m a black woman. apparently not worthy of getting sympathy.

people want me to not be myself. people want me to only “culturally” be a stereotype and not an individual. Me liking country music means i’m “whitewashed”, me speaking in a “monotone” voice means i’m boring, me speaking to different types of people means “i’m trying to get rid of my blackness”. This has caused me serve identity issues. I’m too “different for the blacks” and “too black” to fit in with everyone else.

I love being a black woman but they way i get treated is exhausting

I’m sick and tired of feeling the pressure of being boxed into expectations,

i’m sick and tired of feeling alone and feeling like i’m the only one that’s experiencing discrimination and ostracization because of what i look like and people can’t understand,

i’m very sick of being shown by the world i’m not worth shit unless i can provide people things and isn’t that “too masculine” as some people like to refer to us as?

i’m tired of “doing” and i want to start “receiving” the treatment everyone else gets

[loverofpaperwork]

F.A. Hayek Road to Serfdom

A sometimes quoted gospel of the conserative base in America is F. A. Hayek's work Road to Surfdom, usually quoted alongside other problematic works like the Black Book of Communism or Thomas payne's numerous works calling for separation from England. Problematic in the sense of being a highly persuasive text rather than academic. I would point out that Hayek disagrees with many aspects of American politics, especially the parties.

Hayek was born in Austria in 1899 and graduated from the college of Vienna after the First World War. He would later go to London for education in economics. I only point this out that he experienced England at the height of its colonial power, and Europe during a time of great political turmoil. His theories are likewise shaped and molded by the great maddening of the world. Communism itself would become popular in much of the world during this time and perhaps he saw it as a threatening force to the liberties of many of his countrymen.

His work is not a refutation of any government system, but a critique of government power. He believes that any rights enshrined to the people will naturally be surrender to the government in the course of business. That governments inherently require a subjugation of the rights of individuals in order to function.

So my issue with his theory is that he cannot model the behavior of thousands of different groups. His assumptions are invalid because people do not have inherent rights other to think for themselves and to die. All other privileges are social constructs, which is why countries have to keep spelling them out. What he calls the road to serfdom is *check notes* paying taxes? owning property? being able to use a bank? employees washing their hands after using the bathroom?

Hayek's extreme libertarian views undermine the value his work has. Economics theories are both mathematical formulas that explains markets, and legislative suggestions to politicians. I find it wise to ignore the proscription side of economics and focus more on how the math works, its assumptions are more important than its conclusions.

Every person performs complex economic value statements every day with how they spend their time and their money. A wise rule of thumb is that people do not act in their own best interest. Another rule is that when left alone, people tend to maximize happiness in the short term. Applying these two assumptions to government, then we can understand that long term projects must needs be influenced by the countries government. A group of individuals will not build hospitals, roads. factories, etc. if they can get something more useful now. This is one of the many reasons billionaires suck ass. They only act for their own best interest in the short term, like buy twitter, launch cars into space for no reason, build a metaverse that doesn't work, scam bitcoin, scam people looking to lose weight. The list goes on. But the actual important stuff is being done by the government.

What hayek calls the road to surfdom is just how human nature works. It isn't a bad thing. When I read it I thought it was going to be some sort of Ayn Aand kind of thing, and yep, it is basically academic Atlas Shrugged. it doesn't know what it wants to say, and it meanders all over the place. The funny thing is that Hayek had literal servants in London, and wrote a book about the road to servitude. I don't think he asked them about why they serve. Its capitalism at its finest being exercised in a class system. People serve because they want to survive, not because they surrendered rights to the government. Maybe that is what it looks like when examining multiple generations of people, but individuals when put to the sword often choose to live. Serfs existed in Europe and England as landless tenants living off the welfare of the lord, welfare being taxed most of their property every year. As landless individuals they had very little rights, but they weren't slaves. The lord controlled marriages, and often had exclusive rights to claim their children as servants/concubines.

So what did each individual surrender to the government on their own road to surfdom. According to Hayek, specific rights, but in reality, they choose to live instead of being slaughtered, or starved. They had a choice between life and death. This is what Hayek ignores in his book. He uses such a whitewashed version of what serfdom is and British history that the books message is lost. But to be fair it was inpolitic to talk about these kind of things in 1940's Europe, what with what was going on.

[treadmilltreats]

Why addicts do what they do

Yesterday, I wrote about our country's addiction to painkillers. I think that if you have a problem and you don't get the help you need, you can easily fall down this rabbit hole of addiction.

See, a lot of people can't understand an addict's behavior, and I get that because if you haven't been there, it is hard to understand.

I openly tell my story of being an addict as it is part of who I was, and it is part of who I am today.

My addiction shaped my life. It was all I thought about. When was the next time I was going to get high? Where I was going to cop? How much will I get? These were all questions that ran through my head all day until I could get to my next high. It consumed me, and in the end, it was all I wanted, all I cared about and all that would soothe my pain.

I know many addicts and we all have the same thing in common, we will always be addicts. Even if we have been clean like me, for 34 years, we still are addicts. We just turn our addictions into something else.

I turned my addiction into something healthy.

I exercised every day, sometimes twice a day. I then went for men who treated me horrible. Men who I ran after for love and affection, I traded one addiction for another, for another.

My ex brother in law turned his drug addiction into a gambling addiction and then a food addiction. As did my ex father in law who gave up gambling for food, and then even when he had gastric surgery and lost the weight, he then started drinking, all typical addict behavior.

A dear friend of mine, who years ago used to get high with me, is now like my adopted sponsor. She also gave up drugs for women and then turned to food and is finally realizing her behavior and is changing it.

I know this as I went to counseling for many years, I know this is how this works. Even though I thought I got this, sometimes you don't get it at all. Hell, even my ex best friend, who was clean for 9 years, met a man and fell off the wagon, hurting her family and her friends, even losing her children in the process. Trust me when I tell you addiction is huge.

I still had addictive behaviors even years later.

I used to go back to exes over and over. Why? Expecting what? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There are no different results there, yet I was looking there once again…

Hello!!...Asshole, move on! Again, all addict behaviors.

My friend has a tendency to be "Captain Save a Hoe" as we call her. She is always trying to save a hoe when she just needs to walk away. Again addict behavior.

Sometimes we think we are good, and it is then, when we slip. Like falling for ex's lines, remembering what we want to remember and not the whole picture, and so we think we can do this... and next thing you know, you're sucked back in.

We know better. It's like an alcoholic saying I'm going into this bar after being clean for 20 years, and I got this. I can have one drink. One drink turns into 5. Five drinks turn into the floor, and there goes your chip.

I can never have one snort, I know that, if I do, it's over for me. I know and openly admit I am an addict.

So, years ago, when I went back and started talking to an ex, I realized my addict behavior was kicking in again. I reached out to my "sponsor" as I needed to talk about my issues of why I have this need to keep going back there. Why do I have this need of closure, of addiction for something, or in my case, someone who is clearly no good for me.

Yet there I was, yet again because I was hurting and I felt alone, so I ran to get something that would soothe my pain, or so I thought.

Addicts don't look at the whole picture. We only look at the here and now. We are in pain right now. We can't deal with what is going on, and so we need to get something to cover up what we are feeling. We don't see that future. We only see getting our fix. We don't see that it will feel worse than before, and so the cycle begins again...and again and again.

We need to learn our behaviors and learn the healthy ways of dealing with our issues and our pain. I am still learning where this stems from and steps to take to stop it. So once again, I went back to AA and to counseling as I needed to work the program and to get a grip on my life.

I am not ashamed of this, I want to be a healthy, whole person, and if I slip in this behavior, who says I can't slip into my more toxic behaviors like before. So, I am being proactive in my journey of my new life.

So today, my friends, I'm here to tell you to know your addictions, because we all have them. Maybe not as bad as mine, or maybe it may be worse than mine. We all have skeletons in our closets, and we all have buttons that set us off to the deep end. I am just more honest about mine, and I want to help others be open and get the help they need.

There is no shame in saying your human, in saying I need help, that my life is a mess, and I can't deal with it.

The first step in AA teaches you to admit that you have a problem. You can't change, you can't get help until you admit you have a problem and it's okay, trust me, it's okay... you're not alone.

This is why addicts do what they do because we are trying to hide what we don't want to deal with.

The issues won't go away on their own. You must own them, deal with them, and as I always say at the end of every blog....

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreats"Be the change you want to see"

@Treadmilltreats

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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[the-stove-is-on-fire]

Time to Retcon Phantom Planet.

I took Flynn from Elmer, I'm taking PP too. 

There I was, just minding my business when an errant thought about the cursed Danny Phantom finale graced my mind. In the ep Vlad had to touch the ectoranium asteroid to realize his plan is a bust. He got his hands ON the meteor. The meteor speeding through space at a deadly pace...

So that got me thinking, If Vlad had the means to keep up with the darn thing WHY DID HE NOT SIMPLY PUSH THE METEOR OFF COURSE ??? THERE'S NO FRICTION IN SPACE HE COULD BLAST IT A BIT TO THE LEFT AND BOOM! PROBLEM SOLVED. Obviously, after that realization the only logical next step is to retcon the whole episode.

I’m going to A) rename it “Altering Course” and B) make it Vlad-centric. With the aforementioned correction, and the magic of cartoon logic, the result would be Vlad’s plan to take over the world actually working. V-man gets exactly what he wants, Jack in prison (or something, we obviously can't kill him), Maddie as his begrudging wife, Danny and Jazz as his kids and the whole world under his command.

And it SUCKS. 

Cue a montage of Vlad being hounded by world leaders asking what he's going to do about all these different problems in other countries now that he's "in charge". Being badgered by the press every possible second for statements about "what his plans are now?" Which catches him off guard because, well…. THIS was his endgame, he has no more plans. So instead of answering he goes ghost and flees. But he's not safe in the ghost zone either because now ghosts are popping up to challenge him for "the right to rule the mortal world".

After an absurdly hectic day Vlad finally makes it home to his mansion, beaten, bruised, and exhausted. "Well, at least I have my new loving family." WRONG. The whole night is full of Danny and Jazz glaring at Vlad and pranking him when they’re not avoiding him. Maddie (the human) serving him burnt, ecto-contaminated food for dinner, and pointedly sleeping on the couch. Vlad proposes they have a “family game night” and everyone leaves the room. The day ends the same as all the others before it: Vlad miserable and alone in his bed with no one but Maddie (the cat) beside him. A long, slow pan outwards from Vlad staring silently at his ceiling to emphasize the weight of his loneliness and how nothing has changed.

Hard cut to the next morning.

[BREAKING NEWS! SUPREME OVERLORD VLAD MASTERS STEPS DOWN AFTER ONE DAY OF RESPONSIBILITY. DEMANDS STATE OF WISCONSIN IN EXCHANGE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD.]

Danny confronts Vlad after the news breaks, understandably suspicious. "So what? That's it? You got everything you wanted just to give it up after one day?" Vlad sighs, "Clearly, I bit off more than I could chew, the idea of world domination is much nicer than the reality of it." He looks at Jack and Maddie being tearfully reunited, "Power is a hollow substitute for love, it's taken me until now to realize that."

Vlad apologizes to Jack (who also apologizes for the proto-portal incident), apologizes to Maddie and the kids, and declares he’s done with scheming. Danny hesitates, but then offers to help Vlad become a hero if he wants. “I could train you, teach you everything I know. And all you'd have to do is renounce your old evil ways.” Vlad laughs upon hearing the offer he made Danny being turned back on himself. Vlad agrees and they shake on it. The ep ends on a close up of their handshake and fades to black with outro music.

I think Danny making peace with his main villain would be a great place to stop the series if it was forced to end there, but still open enough to invite another season exploring Vlad's redemption arc (and Valerie’s, since the theme of S4 would be ‘befriending your enemies’). 

Unlike PP the focus of the episode wouldn’t be on the sensationalism of “ghosts are real!??” or the disasteroid itself, but on Vlad’s personal growth. The reality of responsibility, consequences of one’s actions, and power of forgiveness. No mayor Tucker, no stranded in space Vlad, no outing Phantom to the entire world, no weird forced romance.

-

Now for your entertainment please consider these post AC headlines: 

- "Billionaire commits crimes against humanity, faces no consequences for his actions. Claims to have 'turned over a new leaf'" 

- “Half-Ghost or Half-Truth? Elaborate publicity stunt causes DALV Co stock to surge overnight” 

- “Dairy King Vlad Masters Becomes Official King of Wisconsin”

[mikeyinnit]

lovebug

Pairing: Wilbur x GN!Reader

Summary: Wilbur was done with love after he lost Sally, but when Fundy introduces him to one of Niki’s friends, things start to change.

Word Count: 2k words

Notes: Songfic!! I said they would be rare and it’s the second fic I post lmao. Inspired by Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers, totally willing to do a part 2 for this one because I have other ideas with other lyrics and stuff

Tagging: N/A

After Sally, Wilbur wasn’t really looking for anyone else to love, in fact, he had given up on love entirely. He had to focus on his son and the nation he was building from the ground up.  

Then you came into the picture.

You were a friend of Niki’s, that’s how he met you. Fundy was visiting the bakery and when Wilbur came to get him, he saw you helping the young fox hybrid make cookies. It was such a sweet sight that he took a moment to just enjoy seeing his son have a great time. When he did enter, Fundy introduced the two.

“This is Y/N! They’re one of Niki’s friends. Y/N, this is my dad. He’s single.”

Of course his son would throw him under the bus like that. But you just laughed, and god did you have a beautiful laugh, and held out your hand. A gesture that Wilbur returned with one of his charming grins.

“Fundy’s talked about you all day, I feel like I know you already…” you had trailed off, obviously Fundy only referred to him as my dad, prompting him to give his name.  

“Wilbur Soot.”

“Wilbur. It’s great to meet you.”

You gave him your phone number, clearly you were as taken with Fundy as the boy was to you, for him or his son to use anytime. Then you said your goodbyes for the night as you sent them on their way with the cookies you and Fundy baked along with some extra baked goods.

Called you for the first time yesterday

Wilbur hadn’t used your number for a good couple of days. He had been busy with L’Manberg and honestly had barely had time to see his son, let alone the enchanting stranger.  

Today was a day that he could actually spend quality time with Fundy, and obviously all of that time at the bakery while he was working just made the young boy want to bake cookies with his dad. Unfortunately, Fundy was very specific with what cookies he wanted to make. The ones he baked with you.

“These don’t taste like the ones Y/N made.” Was said numerous times throughout the night no matter how Wilbur changed the recipe so eventually, he just gave up and called you to figure it out.  

“Hello?”

Your voice rang out through the telephone and it instantly felt like all of the stress of this baking night was leaving his body.

“Y/N, it’s Wilbur. We met at Niki’s the other day?”

“Wilbur! Of course. How are you? How’s Fundy?”

Another grin was brought to his face at you almost immediately asking about Fundy, though he didn’t have the chance to respond as the aforementioned hybrid returned from getting more ingredients for the cookies and practically begged his father to put you on speaker so he could talk to you as well.

“Y/N!!”

It was almost like he could hear the smile on your face as you spoke to Fundy. “Fundy! What are you up to?”

“We’re trying to bake cookies but dad can’t make them like you.”

Wilbur heard that laugh again, that beautiful laugh that he first heard at the bakery.  

“That’s because your dad probably doesn’t know the secret ingredient that we used to bake those cookies. How about you give the phone back to him so I can let him know and then I’m sure you two will bake the best cookies ever.”

Then the phone was back in his hand and he spoke, “Secret ingredient?”

You grinned as you answered, “I just told him to tell the dough nice things in his life. Some people say speaking love into the dough helps, I don’t know if it’s true or not but he had fun with it.”

It sounded ridiculous, but Wilbur decided to try it.

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll let you know how it goes.”  

This time, Fundy thought the cookies were perfect.  

I finally found the missing part of me

You became a big part of his routine after that night. He would see you at the bakery every time he came to get his son, he called you even when he was at work, you quickly became an important part of his life. Fundy loved you, days together often involved him telling Wilbur all about whatever the two of you got up to.  

Wilbur wasn’t a stranger to love, he loved Sally, he loved his country, he loved his son. But it felt very different with you. He couldn’t even say it was love yet, you just felt like you fit with him and Fundy. You were kind, and obviously cared about his son, you were funny, the texts and calls he exchanged with you never failed to put a smile on his face. And you cared about his son a lot, which was certainly not a negative. For the two of them, it felt like you were the perfect fit to the puzzle they didn’t realize was missing a piece.

I felt so close but you were far away

Getting used to having you in his routine meant it really sucked when you traveled to a village far away. Fundy missed you and honestly, Wilbur did too. You promised the young boy that you wouldn’t be gone for long, and told him that he was welcome to call you at anytime. Which Fundy took full advantage of. Every night before the young fox hybrid went to bed, he called you on Wilbur’s phone and the two of them heard about your day and they shared details of their own. On certain nights, you even joined Wilbur in singing a lullaby for him.  

People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that absolutely seemed true with your trip. Both of the boys missed you and wondered when you would be back, but luckily, you came back within a month. And you came back with plenty of gifts for Fundy, which made the boy ridiculously happy. You even got a gift for Wilbur, which was certainly a pleasant surprise since really, you being back was enough of a gift for him.  

That night, he invited you over for dinner. He said it was to celebrate your return, which is true, but he also just wanted to spend time with you now that you were back. You agreed, and the three of you even tried baking dessert, which resulted in a small flour fight initiated by you.  

Wilbur usually liked everything in order and in his control, something like throwing flour around and making a complete mess of his kitchen is something that Tommy would enjoy, but somehow it felt okay with you and his son.  

I never thought that I’d catch this lovebug again

After that night, Wilbur came to realize that he did like you, if not love you. You were a nice balance to his control and an escape from the stress of his job as president.  

At first, it felt like a betrayal to Sally. He decided he was going to focus on his son and his nation, not love. He decided that long before you came into the picture and he was a man of his word. Even if that word was only said to himself.

He knew he couldn’t just outright ignore you. Not only would that be unfair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to Fundy.  So he had to deal with it another way, throwing himself further into his work. It meant less time with his son but it was very productive for L’Manberg. Plus it meant Fundy got to see you and Niki more so Wilbur is certain that the young fox would understand and perhaps enjoy this more than spending time with him.  

There was a knock at his door but Wilbur didn’t even look up as he called out, “Come on in.” Obviously it wasn’t Tommy since the boy never knocked but it could have been Tubbo or Jack Manifold or even someone from outside of L’Manberg.  

“You would think that in a time of peace, the president would have more free time.”

He knew that voice. He could never forget the face that went along with it. Your smile and eyes never left his mind even with him trying his hardest to shut out the rest of the world.  

“Y/N, I wasn’t expecting to see you. What brings you by?”

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Fundy told me you’ve been sleeping here lately so I thought I would check on you.”  

And there was that kindness again. The kindness that made him fall in love with you in the first place.  

“I’m okay, Y/N. Just busy.”  

“Too busy to stop by the bakery to see your friends? Or to even come home and see your son at night?”

There was an edge to your voice and Wilbur wasn’t sure how he felt about it, obviously he thought that Fundy would prefer spending time with you and Niki over himself but it seemed like you disagreed.

You strongly disagreed.  

“I’ve just been busy. Running a country is a lot of work, Fundy will understand. He gets to see you and Niki more anyways, he’s happier that way.” He shifted his eyes back to the papers in front of him, letters he had been drafting for the past two hours and couldn’t get anywhere with.  

“Fundy is a child, Wilbur. Niki and I are happy to see him at the bakery but we aren’t replacements for his dad. His dad who suddenly became “too busy” almost overnight. What happened?”  

It truly was sweet the way you cared about his son that much. Enough to come to his office when you could be sleeping. This could have been a good moment for him to say what was on his mind, that he thinks he was falling in love with you and didn’t want to betray his dead wife. But he lied.

“Tommy has been getting into trouble with Dream recently, I want to make sure we don’t fight in another war so soon. Or ever again.” It was a solid lie, Tommy had a reputation for being a troublemaker and he could use that to his advantage. You seemed like you were about to speak, probably about Fundy, so he spoke first, “I promise that I will talk to Fundy and see him more as soon as I get this figured out. Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice to know that someone else cares about Fundy this much, he needs that.”

“It’s not just him that I care about, Wilbur. I wish you would see Fundy more sooner but I was also worried about you, I know you care about him so something had to be going on for you to miss seeing him this often.”

Well that certainly didn’t help with him trying to ignore these feelings.

“Then I thank you again. I really appreciate it. Goodnight, Y/N. Get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Wilbur.”

I kissed them for the first time yesterday

Wilbur kept the promise he made to you. Considering the reason he gave you for being busy was a lie, it wasn’t hard to get back to seeing his son and by extension, you.  

If you asked him, he would say he’s handling his feelings for you rather well now. He hasn’t done anything about it but he isn’t shutting out the world so, progress.

It was another dinner night with you and Fundy, you had brought desert with you this time so they didn’t have another flour fight but it was still lovely. After he sent Fundy to bed, you stuck around.  

The two of you had been sitting on the couch together for a whole, just talking about anything, and maybe it was just because it was late and you looked so beautiful but something came over Wilbur and he asked, “Would you mind if I tried something?”

You nodded, curious about what he was going to try, but you didn’t stay curious for long as Wilbur gently cupped your face with one hand and leaned in to kiss you.

A kiss that you returned.  

I never thought that I’d get hit by this lovebug again

[obsessivelyloved]

Extremely jealous red leader Tord scenario??

I don't feel like googling what the leader of other countries are called don't bully me /lh

Reader is gender-neutral. Thanks for the request <3

___________________________________________________

Tord was making everyone in this party uncomfortable. Well, not everyone. But a good chunk of the other important people for sure. The night had started fine. Great, even.

The two of you were trying your best to make this party nice, to have a good time instead of being miserable together, quietly trash talking the other people until it was an acceptable time to leave. You did things like take turns with Tord discreetly feeding each other the different things on your plates, holding pinkies under the table, and letting him wrap an arm around your waist.

Now, Tord was throwing all that discretion out the window. He wouldn’t stop pressing kisses against your neck. Or gently grasping your hand and bringing it to his lips. Nor would his arm leave your waist, thumb dipping under your shirt every so often to rub circles.

He leans over to lightly suck your neck and you fight the urge to pull away. You can see the headlines now, if you stopped any of his romantic gestures.

Red Leader Having Marriage Problems?

Looks like Red Leader is a free bachelor now ;)

“What is your game here?” you hiss under your breath.

He lightly squeezes your waist.

“I don’t understand what you mean, dearest.” Tord gives you a fond smile and he leans over to give your lips a peck. “I’m just having a lovely time here at this party. Where the minister over there made such a wonderful and lewd comment about my precious spouse. And where multiple other people agreed and contributed.”

Oh hell no.

Anxiety thrums in your chest as you glance over to where the said minister and his poser gang sit. They send jeering looks over at you and your husband.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” you whisper. “They’re just bitter old men who wish they weren’t so hideous.”

“Mhm.”

Tord’s eyes are focused on the little group and you start to sweat. You don’t like the look in his eye.

His hand finally leaves your waist but he gives you no time to question him. Both his hands dart to hold your face, pulling you close and kissing you deeply. Out of habit, your hands fall into place with one hand cupping his face and your other cupping one of his hands.

You hear the chatter around the table pause as, no doubt, everyone stares at you two.

Tord pulls away, immediately looking towards the subject of his jealousy with a smirk.

You feel your face heat up and you want to do nothing more than to sink into your seat. The end of this party can’t come soon enough. With the way things are escalating, you already know what’s going to happen once it’s just the two of you alone.

[yourtamaki]

i’m here

ushijima x f!reader

word count: 2k

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, neglect, oral fixation, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming

you never knew what to tell your friends when they asked what wakatoshi was like as a boyfriend. everyone wanted to know how the stoic man acted around his significant other. does he melt when he sees you? they’d ask with hearts in their eyes. does he turn affectionate behind closed doors? you never understood their fascination or why they expected him to be a different person just for you. 

no, that was a lie. you don’t know why you expected him to be different. 

it was coming up on your second year with toshi and you’d been friends throughout your high school years. you knew what he was like before you’d bitten the bullet and asked him on a date. so you had no one but yourself to blame now as you lay alone in your bed that felt far too big, wracking sobs so powerful your whole body trembled from the force. 

a month. that’s how long it’d been since you last felt like toshi was a part of your life. you woke up alone, did the chores alone, made dinner alone and went to bed alone. his absence wasn’t the worst part, much to your surprise. it was the signs of disturbance around your shared home. a used plate in the sink. a new load in the laundry. signs that toshi was there, he just wasn’t there with you. it made you feel all the more empty. 

you didn’t know why your body decided tonight was the night to give out but once the first tears slid down your face, you were helpless to stop the tidal wave of stress and loneliness and utter sadness from escaping. your only solace was how good it felt to finally cry. to get these corrosive feelings out of your system instead of continuing to let them eat away at you the way you had for weeks. 

if only your cries were a bit quieter. maybe you would’ve heard the bedroom door creak open in time to wipe away your tears and feign sleep. 

for a moment, toshi just stared at you, drinking in the details of your face illuminated by the light from the hallway. 

“it’s late.” the deep timber of his voice made you oddly nostalgic. the two of you hadn’t exchanged more than a scarce handful of sentences during this period, all your communication being limited to dry texts. you’d never minded his texting habits, had even found it endearing once. but when the brief, one word answers became your only lifeline to toshi, how could you not feel as though you were only bothering him with every text sent?

when you didn’t respond, toshi carefully closed the door behind him. you didn’t need any light to know exactly what he was doing. he was nothing if not a creature of habit. you could picture him first placing his gym bag in your shared closet then methodically undressing. but instead of heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed, you felt the mattress dip as he sat next to you. 

“you’re crying. why?” he said. you had to stamp down on the urge to reply with sarcasm. if you’ve learned anything from the years you’d spent with toshi it's that he was genuine to a fault. if he was asking you what was wrong, it meant he truly didn’t know. you needed to spell out your feelings for him on more then one occasion but once you did, he would be more than understanding, going above and beyond to rectify the situation. so why did you feel so hesitant to open up now? he could sense your hesitance though he didn’t understand the cause for it, his hand reaching out to find yours in the dark. “i can’t help if you don’t tell me.” 

the dam broke, fresh tears streaming down your face. “toshi i miss you. i know you’re busy but it feels like we’re not even together anymore. i don’t hear from you, i don’t see you and i’m stuck in this house all day. i’m just— ‘m just lonely.” 

your voice trailed off in a whisper quickly swallowed by the silence of the room, only broken by your sniffles. toshi was still as you cried before leaning over to turn the bedside lamp on. the sudden light stung your eyes and when you adjusted, you could see him already gazing down at you. 

“i apologize, y/n.” he kissed the back of both your hands and brought them to his forehead, head bowed. “there is no excuse. my priorities should always include you and they haven’t as of late.”

“it’s ok. i understand you’re busy, toshi i just wish i could see you a little more.” he nodded, lifting his head and his eyes piercing yours.

“i will work to change my behaviour and become a boyfriend more deserving of your love.” 

just like that you remembered why you fell in love with him. others saw toshi as someone incapable of understanding emotions, an apathetic person with only volleyball on his mind. it couldn’t be further from the truth. it was true he had difficulty reading your emotions but as soon as you put them in plain terms, he was there for you in any way you needed. “thank you.” 

“that is for the future. but that doesn’t change that you feel hurt right now. is there anything i can do to ease your pain?” the look in his eyes told you no ask was too large, the single minded focus that made him one of the top volleyball players in the country was now directed solely on you. 

“i just want to be with you.” you crawled into his lap, his arms coming up to hug you close to him. 

“you’ve got me.” he murmured into your ear. “for as long as you’ll have me i’m yours. and i’m sorry i haven’t been here to tell you that.”  

“you’re here now.” 

“i am.” 

“toshi…” it has been so long since you were last in his arms you couldn’t help how needy it was making you, desperate to feel him as close to you as possible. 

“what is it, love?” instead of replying, you rolled your hips against his, kissing his neck. with only his briefs you could feel his bulge harden slightly with the pressure. “if that’s what you want.” 

he lifted you both up off the bed, turning and laying you down carefully. he helped you out of your clothes, leaving you in your plain cotton panties, bra already removed for bed. if you’d known you’d be sleeping with your boyfriend you would’ve worn sexier pieces but judging by toshi’s ravenous expression, it didn’t matter to him. you felt beautiful in his eyes. 

toshi kissed his way down, latching onto one nipple and rolling the other between his fingers before switching over, giving each the attention they deserved. he brought one hand to your face and said, 

“suck.” 

you sucked his fingers into your mouth, glad to finally have something to make you feel full. he watched you, mesmerized by how your lips looked stretched around his fingers. 

“do you know how beautiful you look right now? my y/n. always need something in your mouth, don’t you?” you hummed, mind going blank as all you could do was focus on the slightly salty taste as you licked his fingertips.

once toshi deemed them wet enough, he snaked his hand down into your panties, teasing your entrance before dipping inside. 

“you’re so wet. can you hear yourself?” you could, the wet squelch as he pumped his fingers inside you made your face heat up with embarrassment. it wasn’t your fault nothing came close to how toshi felt inside you. toys, your own hands, nothing compared to what you were feeling now, so stretched with only two of his fingers inside you. they curled inside you, pressing against that spot that had your legs quivering, gripping toshi’s forearm hard. 

“where do you want to cum first, my fingers or my cock?” 

“your cock please toshi wanna feel you.” you begged. a moment later, your panties were pulled off of you. toshi took off his briefs and knelt between your legs, his blunt tip resting over your pussy. he tapped it against your clit a few times, smiling softly at how you jumped at the contact before pushing in slowly, rocking back and forth until his entire length was inside you. 

you expected him to move but he kept still until your eyes met his. he took one of your hands and placed it over your lower stomach, covering it with his own large hand. 

“do you feel that?” he asked quietly. you could, there was a bump there from where toshi was buried inside you. “i’m here.” 

“i know.” 

“i’m here.” he repeated with more emphasis, head lowering until his forehead met yours. “and i’m never leaving you again. okay?” 

an overwhelming tidal wave of love came crashing in, choking you so all you could say was, “okay.” 

why did it take you so long to understand? what toshi didn’t say aloud, he said with his actions. the brush of your clit with his calloused thumb was an apology, the squeeze of your hip a reassurance. toshi spoke his reverence into your skin with every open mouthed kiss on your neck and his worship with each roll of his hip against yours. all you could do was lock your ankles around him and accept the torrent of love he poured into you. 

“kiss me toshi please ‘m gonna cum.” his lips crashed against yours and you were gone, creaming over his cock as it continued to piston in and out of you. 

“does that feel good, love?” he mumbled against your lips. you nodded frantically, still feeling the effects of your high. “tell me what you need.” 

“more please.” your voice came out a whisper. you didn’t care about the overstimulation of your poor cunt. you weren’t ready to let go of this moment, of knowing you have toshi here with you, safe in your own small world together. 

toshi gave you a tender kiss before pulling back. he gripped the back of your thighs and pinned your knees to your chest, your pussy gushing from the new position. his cock was pushing even deeper now, hitting a spot within you that made your tongue loll out at the pleasure. toshi was fucking into you at a brutal pace and you knew he was close by the small grunts he was letting out. 

“hold yourself open for me.” you did as he asked, flushing at how dirty you felt with your pussy so exposed. with his now free hand, toshi placed his fingers back in your mouth. your eyes widened as the taste of your own arousal exploded on your tongue. 

“do you like how you taste?” he asked. you sucked at his fingers greedily, licking them clean and he hummed, “i knew you would.” 

the pressure in your abdomen was steadily building with every pump of toshi’s cock. his fingers were keeping your moans muffled and he seemed to realize he was missing out. he pulled his hand back, small trails of saliva stringing out as he did. he slammed his hips into your as though he was trying to make up for all the sounds he had missed out on and you did not disappoint, babbling praise for the man fucking you senseless. 

“you’re close i can feel it. can you cum with me y/n? can you do that for me?” 

“yes fuck toshi i love you i wanna cum for you.” 

“go ahead, my love. let go.” you threw your head back as you let go and came for the second time, the erratic clenching of your walls pushing toshi over. you held each other through your highs, chests heaving together as you caught your breaths. when he tried to pull out, you tightened your legs around him. 

“stay?” you wanted this moment to last, to be with toshi, connected for as long as you could. he shifted until you were both laying on your side spooned together, careful to not pull out of you. 

“go to sleep, my love.” there were still things you both needed to work on in your relationship but you chose to embrace the peace that was sleeping with the arms of your boyfriend wrapped securely around you. 

[marauderundercover]

Taking Chances Ch. 2 Finding Out (Family/Friends)

Prev 

AO3

@maribat-bdbwm

“Mari!” Adrien yells, running past Batman to sweep her up in a hug. Marinette’s face instantly heats up, but she buries herself into the hug. After all, it’s not every day she faces a supervillain determined to kill her with a dangerous weapon...without her suit, anyway.

“I’m okay. I’m okay.” Marinette reassures him, relishing in the comfort. A cleared throat makes her jump back and look at Batman who, despite clearing his throat and cutting off the most amazing hug ever, has no emotions on his face. Whatsoever. Cause that’s not intimidating or anything.

“The police will need your statement, Miss Dupain Cheng.” Batman says. Marinette nods, squeaking when Adrien reaches down and entwines his fingers with hers. Following Batman’s directions to the awaiting police, Marinette feels nerves flood her systerm as she sees the sheer number of officers on the other side of the door. Sucking in a deep breath, she feels Adrien squeeze her hand. Shooting him a thankful smile, Marinette uses her unattached hand to open the door and step out into the mess of personnel. A man with a mustache and square glasses steps forward immediately, his hand extended.

“Hello Miss Dupain Cheng. I’m Commissioner Jim Gordon. We were in communication with Batman while he was inside so we heard some of what happened. Would you be comfortable telling us what happened? We can get you checked over by paramedics first, if you want.” Commissioner Gordon says.

“Oh, no, no. I’m fine. I don’t-” She starts to say, but a gruff voice cuts her off.

“She should be examined immediately, Gordon. She may have inhaled smoke from the smoke bombs due to proximity. She also could have burns to her face or ears from Joker’s gun. He shot it and then proceeded to prod her with it.” Batman says, the last part of his ‘report’ slightly more gruff than the first. Was he…..worried about her? Marinette shakes that thought off almost immediately. Why would Batman be worried about her? Wait, was he really going to make her see the paramedics when all she wanted to do was talk to the officers so she could get back to the trip?

“I assure you, Monsieur Batman, Monsieur Gordon, I don’t need to see the paramedics. I’m a little shaky, but that’s all. I mean, I was held at gunpoint. I think shaky is appropriate, non?” Marinette asks, flashing the two a bright smile. Gordon raises an eyebrow and glances at Batman who shakes his head stiffly.

“She gets examined.” He says, leaving no room for questions as he pulls his grappling hook (?!?!) out and retreats to the rooftop.

“You heard the man. We can talk as you’re examined, if you’d prefer. I’m sure you just want to put this whole business behind you.” Commissioner Gordon says kindly. Marinette sighs in relief and nods, smiling again at the man. Hopefully this would be taken care of quickly. --- Bruce Wayne was slightly panicking, though he would never admit it. When reports of the Joker being spotted at the Gotham City Museum of Modern Art first rolled in, he assumed his biggest challenge would be keeping Jason from murdering the clown. He did not expect to see a small girl being held at gunpoint. A girl who looked like a strange mix between his mother, and someone else. But he couldn’t place his- of course. Memories flood his mind as he thinks back to the woman who was so clearly related to the small girl. Bridgette Le. A woman that he, at one time, thought he would be able to spend the rest of his life with. Until she left Gotham and cut off all contact between the two. Oh god. She wouldn’t….would she? --- “I don’t understand why that older paramedic looked like she’d seen a ghost.” Marinette says with a pout as she continues working on the embroidery for a jacket for Jagged. Design never sleeps.

“What d’ya mean?” Adrien asks from his nest of blankets on her bed. Marinette tries to focus on keeping her blush down. Apparently, the attack at the museum had scared Adrien more than her, though she imagined he was scared on her behalf. But she couldn’t quite understand why...nevertheless, he had become attached at her hip and hadn’t left her side since they got back to the hotel. Even though all she really wanted was a little alone time to talk to Tikki. Especially about the chance of the Miraculous Cure working here. Maybe if she was in the battle…

“Didn’t you notice? He was fine til he looked into my eyes and then he got super pale. He looked like he was going to say something, but Monsieur Gordon stopped him before he could.” Marinette recounts, remembering the way the paramedic had to switch out since his hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

“I didn’t notice that. That’s weird. Anything else happen like that today?” Adrien asks, finally sitting up and giving her his full attention. Marinette pauses her stitching and purses her lips as she runs the days events back through her head. The paramedic. Batman. Joker. Arriving late to the museum. The cab ride. Being left at the hotel. Coffee-

“Well,” Marinette starts, furrowing her eyebrows as she tries to rationalize the man’s actions in addition to the actions of the paramedic. But something wasn’t adding up. “There was my cab ride to the museum.”

“What happened? Was someone creepy? I can fight them for you!” Adrien offers, a little too cheery. Marinette freezes as she studies his face, searching for something. Adrien had been off all day. More protective than he’d been in awhile. And the few times Lila had spoken, he had scowled at her instead of ignored her. Was he finally coming around to the idea that the high road would not work with Lila? Pushing those thoughts off for another time, Marinette shakes her head.

“No, no. Nothing like that. But as I was leaving, he called me Miss Wayne.” Marinette admits, not expecting Adrien’s uncontrollable laughter.

“He, you, oh my god!” He laughs, clutching his sides. Marinette’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as she sets the jacket down on the desk.

“What?” She asks, completely and totally frustrated with the situation. Adrien laughs for another minute before calming down, wiping tears from his eyes and shooting her a blinding smile. Not his model smile. An actual smile that warms her heart and her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Mari. It’s just, I think he was referring to the fact that you look like the typical kid Bruce Wayne adopts.” Adrien says and Marinette’s blood freezes.

“Did you say Bruce Wayne?” Marinette asks and Adrien nods, his previous mirth wiped from his face.

“Yeah, Mari, are you okay?” He asks. Marinette nods, then shakes her head, then groans and throws up her arms in frustration.

“I don’t know! I just- you remember how I told you I’m adopted?” She asks. Adrien nods, then stops. A look of mixed terror and awe flooding his face.

“Oh god, Mari. You never told me the name. Your birth father-”

“His name is Bruce Wayne. But there’s gotta be hundreds if not thousands of Bruce Waynes in the US right?” Marinette asks, even as her hope in that idea dwindles.

“The US? He’s confirmed from the US?” Adrien asks, already pulling out his phone.

“Yes. Adrien, what are you doing?” She asks, suddenly worried as she jumps onto the bed next to him, desperately trying to see his phone.

“I’m googling Bruce Wayne and Bridgette Le as a combined search. Wayne is one of the most prominent figures in Gotham, all of his previous relationships have photographic evidence. Except for whoever the mother of his youngest is. But that’s probably because he wasn’t in the country at that time.” Adrien says, typing away furiously on his phone. Marinette’s eyebrow quirks up in amusement.

“Since when were you a master researcher?” She asks with a grin.

“Since one of my best friends found out she’s adopted and it could be the man who hosts the only palatable high society parties. Seriously. And they’d be much better if you were there and-holy shit. Your bio mom looks just like you!” Adrien exclaims, turning the phone to her. Marinette inhales deeply and thanks whatever power there is that she’s not in Paris right now. The emotions running over her at an indescribable speed...not all of them are positive. And they’re all overwhelming as she looks at a picture that very clearly shows her bio mom with Bruce Wayne. As in the Gotham Bruce Wayne. Not a different unknown Bruce Wayne across the country somewhere. Nope. A man who is apparently prominent enough that Monsieur Agreste makes his son go to the man’s parties.

“I don’t suppose she just had a type for men named Bruce Wayne?” Marinette says weakly. This was not what she expected. --- This was exactly what he expected. Looking at the birth records for one Marinette Le, where he’s noted as the father. Though why he wasn’t notified before the girl’s custody was signed over to Sabine Cheng, he’ll never understand. His jaw clenches as he continues reading, eyes scanning over Bridgette’s death certificate before glancing back at Marinette’s birth certificate. A daughter. He had a daughter. Another child that he would never be able to hold when they were small. Another child that grew up without him. Another child that he didn’t meet until they were already a person. Someone with their own experiences individual from his own, someone that may not even know he had found them. And that he wanted nothing more than to get to know someone who was brave enough to stand between the Joker and her friends. Someone who was determined not to let what should have been the most traumatic experience in her life be a set back. He had a daughter. And he wanted to meet her.

***

Next

Note, my headcannon is that the paramedic that panicked did so because he was one of the first responders the night that the Waynes were murdered. And while she looks a lot like her birth mom, Marinette also definitely has Martha Wayne’s eyes and the paramedic could NOT deal. Also, let me know if you want tagged!

Tag List: @jjmjjktth

[threemothsinsweaters]

OKAY BUT I JUST GOT THE BEST AU IDEA I HAD SO FAR!!!

I just noticed that in submas reunion stories people often make Ingo reappear either in some mountain in Sinnoh or in the caves/abandoned subway tunnels when they want Emmet to find him easier, right? As I was reading one of those stories, I suddenly got hit by the "this has familiar vibes" feeling, and then it hit me.

Pokemon x Tunnels (a book I read when I was youner) crossover

No knowledge of tunnels is required to understand this au, as I will explain everything and no characters etc are taken from the book (because I doubt many people read that book series, so its just vague concepts being taken), and the explaination for this au will be below the cut because it will probably be long

But hot damn is it SO GOOD and I love this au so much already

SO! Tunnels! Tunnels is a book series which is about a teenager who liked digging tunnels whose scientist father mysteriously disappeared, and then he found some filled up tunnel in the basement and used it to go through and find an underground city disconnected from the rest of the world, and then the deeper they went, the more the caves changed, and I will skip most plot stuff because it is not important for the au

What is important, however, is the garden of he second sun.

After jumping into one massive hole in one of the caves at the end of the book series they ended up in what was called I think (not sure though) the garden of the second sun, and it was basically an ancient world locked inside the earth, with a massive flaming orb stuck to the ceiling in the middle of a MASSIVE, like, bigger-than-some-countries cave. It lit the whole cave up like how a normal sun would, and apparently the cave had the ceiling so high that even literal planes could fly down there, so yeah, big.

There were plants and animals all from ancient times, still alive down there, and some villages of people who ended up sucked into the cave via some ocean whirls in submarines and ended up making their own civilization after finding no way to easily get out

But basically, its a world deep inside the earth which had ancient animals and people who were stuck down there for a long time, basically making you feel like you were thrown back in time as you enter

This is where crossover stuff comes in

Imagine that hisui and the ancient pokemon are not actually the past, but instead live within the garden of the second sun, and people who end there are just people who were unfortunate enough to end up stumbling down in the caves and being sucked into the earth, thrown into the underground world that is a perfect replica of the outside world with the only difference being that there is never night-time down there and the sun doesn't move, because its literally a flaming orb stuck to the ceiling of a cave and not an actual sun lmao

I have no idea how would the actual game stuff happen, and I don't care, the only thing I care about is how fuckin' FUN it would be from looking at submas perspective and submas perspective alone

Imagine Emmet searching for Ingo in the abandoned subway tunnels, then suddenly Chandelure just goes absolutely bonkers because it sensed something from Ingo, so Emmet follows but comes across a massive hole behind a crack in the wall and just goes "Oh. Oh no" as Chandelure is pointing in its direction.

Imagine telling people about that, imagine people finding a way to go down deep into the caves that no one knew existed in search for Ingo in the same way that Tunnels protagonist searched for his father

Its like, the perfect crossover for submas stuff if we either completely ignore actual legends arceus stuff or idk, someone else can find a way to fit it together, I don't care, I just care about submas and pokemon tunnels

Because its hard to actually make this crossover work with the actual legends arceus stuff

But it fits absolutely perfect for Ingo and Emmet

Reasons why it fits for submas stuff perfectly: - They already have some connection to underground tunnels (subway stuff) and could easily stumble across a way down unintentionally

- Emmet would spend his entire time searching for Ingo, while in the Tunnels book, the main character spent the entire time of the book series searching for his father - perfectly fitting, ain't it?

- Going back in the past fits with the garden of the second sun being an ancient thing with prehistoric animals etc and children of people who were in the past sucked into the earth by some ocean shenanigans

- Weird animals and plants from deep underground? Sign me the fuck up for turning them into pokemon, especially the albino pterodactyl that was in the book, I liked that one, especially when it ate the creepy lady I didn't like :D

As yall can see, FITS, AND MY BRAIN IS GOING SO DEEP INTO BRAINROT I WANT TO MAKE IT AN ACTUAL AU AND WRITE IT INTO A FANFIC

Pokemon tunnels au go brrrr