#i understand it is for my health or whatever but i am HUNGRY

[icejello]

One of the things i hate about having to stay at my parent's home is the fact I'm not allowed to eat anything after 9 pm. Wdym i can't eat 2 biscuits at night bcs that's too much? Wdym i can't get a snack when i get hungry at midnight bcs SOMEONE decided i shouldn't eat a lot of food at night and if i want to eat something heavy then I'm supposed to do it around 5-6 pm???

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[aristotlecoyote]

Nah but my guys.

This shit

Is inexcusable. Any of you supporting them when those attached to them say *this* after gloating about a 115 dollar bag *for their honey moon*

And saying they are barely surviving and having trouble making content

Dont deserve your respect as a viewer.

This comment is a glimpse at their true natures whether you like it or not.

This isnt a hate attack. I have an inherent respect for life and the humans that live it. I respect that they are humans that do whatever they want of their own free will. Like yeah spend money. Do things. Live your life buy a house eat good healthy food.

But that is all a privilege. A privilege not many people have at the moment??

I am privileged. I work for my family as a caretaker(paid for by the state btw. My parents can not afford to pay me other wise). I cant buy my own food. I make "too much" to have food stamps. I live off of what my parents, who are also struggling, can provide. I live with my parents at 27 because working conditions and living conditions are so bad and i am so mentally ill i cant be on my own for my own *safety*. Just because i am able to live in relative comfort by the grace of my safety net doesnt mean ive always had that grace. And many *many* more people in the world dont even have the safety net that kept me off the street. I stole food from my old roommates because i was hungry and couldnt afford food. I was feeding my dog *my* food because i couldnt buy his food. I am 5,000 dollars in debt because i couldn't afford health insurance and went to the ER because i was going to end my life. I couldnt pay the 260 dollar bill i was sent so i just hoped and prayed it would go away and now its eating me.

I am also bad with money even when all my bills are paid.

I bought merch. I bought tickets to the live show. I did that because i paid my bills once and had enough to feed my addiction to solving my depression with buying tiny useless things. I know its not a good fucking idea. I know it is but im sure someone out there understands that you cant always control yourself when you arent fully present in your own life. I cant even leave the house because i *know* ill spend money and i *know* i cant.

And i thought i was supporting people who cared about their fans enough to atleast not say stuff like this.

I was staying subscribed to the youtube channel out of the hope that they would change their mind, see reason? Maybe?

But they wont.

This shows that they wont. That they refuse. That all good faith worries and criticisms mean nothing to them because We cant pay them to care.

So yeah. @wearewatcher @watcherfans these are the people you want to be and support, huh? Positivity is nice when you arent eating ramen. When you arent skipping meals to make yourself feel better for living off your equally struggling family. When you have enough around you to feel safe and secure enough to pay for something that isnt even worth the money you put in.

This isnt a post to get pity. This is a post to put in perspective the reality working class people face. What poor people face. What disabled people, who cant even marry or grow savings, face.

Please. Just think of humans as people and not just money and art.

[zebulontheplanet]

For people who don’t know, I was vegan for two years, vegetarian five years, and then have been pescatarian for the last three years. Yes, that’s 10 years without eating any type of meat. Even as a pescatarian, I ate a mostly vegetarian and plant based diet at home. Eating fish was very rare for me.

I have never been healthy. I was severely malnourished. I could not afford to feed myself. I was poor and had a limited diet. It sucked!! So about a week ago I said fuck it and stopped my diet. I started eating meat again because it was more accessible for me. It was not an easy choice and I hated that me being poor stopped me from being able to have the diet I wanted.

I want people to understand that I DID enjoy being on a mostly vegetarian diet. It was great! I loved it. However, I wasn’t able to adequately feed myself and was chronically malnourished. My hair was falling out, my nails were brittle and cracking, my skin was yellowish and acne filled, it was bad. But I did it because it was all I knew since I was 10 years old. I felt bad for quitting.

Everyone’s diets are valid. But as someone who’s tried multiple diets and is chronically ill, I can say with confidence that it did not help my health. Now it’s been a week and I am finally not hungry. I already feel healthier.

Being pescatarian was not for me. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for other people. Go you if you’re vegetarian or vegan, or pescatarian, or whatever. But don’t judge people for their diet choices. It isn’t good and doesn’t make you look good.

Do what’s best for you and your health only.

[coolingrosa]

ooooooo i love rs!ink he's so cute......could you, perhaps, speak about him a little more?? (I've heard he's very similar to Lilo too, would love to hear about his childhood a lil' bit more👀)

Sure! This gives me a chance to also say publicly that RoseVerse!Ink is CANONICALLY AUTISTIC. I stated this in the QNA livestream I did a while back, but I know not everyone watched that as it was mostly chaos. Most characters in Roseverse are not giving canon mental illnesses or mental disorders because anyone can project themselves onto these characters and find traits they can relate to. For example, Killer has no canon mental disorder and is only based on my experience as a 15 year old. Whatever you see fit to fit his mental health is uo to viewer interpretation. But Ink is one of the few exceptions to this as he is canonically autistic.

Now with that out of the way, what was Ink’s childhood like? This will be long!! Prepare!

Ink was created at three years old and was nonverbal up until he was seven. He hardly used sign language besides signing to show he was hungry, he wanted more of something, or to say yes or no. Error and Nightmare were always worried about this, and they did not have the resources to see a doctor to have help in figuring out why Ink wasn’t talking. They had to do with what they could, and learned to work with Ink’s lack of speech. He is capable of more sign language, and does use it when he wants to have a conversation, but that is not until he gets closer to six, where he gets more interested in joining in on talks.

Ink from the ages of 3-5 was very all over the place. He was blunt, and had many outbursts and meltdowns due to Error and Nightmare simply not knowing how to handle an autistic child. While he could not verbally communicate, he would get very frustrated if he wasn’t understood, and often resorted to tantrums and throwing his toys or food when he would want something and Error and Nightmare had no idea what to supply. He also was touch repulsed between the ages of 4-6, and preferred to do his own thing. He’d ignore when people would try to talk to him if he wasn’t in the mood for it, and Error and Nightmare learned to leave it at that. What he tended to do was draw, finger paint, solo play with toys, and sort things. Error once stole him many markers, and rather than jump to draw, he spent hours reorganizing them over and over into different shades and colors. (Based on a experience of my own childhood lol)

Error and Nightmare worked with Ink’s needs and unintentionally created a household perfect for neurodivergent children. The lights were dim, safe food was always in stock, loud noises were kept to a minimum, and Ink was given headphones and comfortable clothes to help his meltdowns.

When he hit seven, he finally started to speak verbally, and then never shut up LMAO. He also became hungry for touch, and was often jumping at Nightmare at random (since he knew Error couldn’t handle it) and climbing all over him. While with Error, he always made his presence known before latching on and not letting go for hours. However, he tended to like Nightmare’s hugs the most, since he’d place his tentacles over him and make a little cocoon of safety. This is also when he got the burst of curiosity for the outside and would run through the woods and grab random animals from trees and bring them home (much to Error’s horror). Think Ame from Wolf Children. That was very much how he was. A wild child who was always getting cuts and bruises but smiling big. Once, he even snapped his arm falling from a tree while in the care of Reaper, and Nightmare and Error couldn’t heal him enough. He forever sports a scar on his arm but continues to climb trees anyways.

When he got a bit older, ages 9-10, he mellowed out a bit with the understanding of his powers. Nightmare helped him a lot with the control of his abilities and magic, and with that came maturity and peace. He preferred to keep the house tidy and fetch dinner still, but in a much calmer way. He’d go out and catch fish or use his magic to catch squirrels. He’d always come home at a good time and would help Errror around the house. He wasn’t as loud and excitable, especially since he became aware of who he was supposed to be at ten, and had to come to terms with the fact that Error was meant to be his competitor, and they were breaking those rules.

Overall, he grows a lot and becomes a child Error and Nightmare are proud of.

Then, on his eleventh birthday, he disappears.

Tragic, truly. It’s a mystery of what happened to the poor kid.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am I the asshole for going to my bedroom to eat instead of eating dinner with my family?

this is kind of- a couple years old of a story, but it dwells on us a lot. we realized we could send this here and see what others think - because we feel like we were justified and in the right completely, but we still just, get very upset over this and would appreciate other opinions. (from here out, will be using we/us pronouns.)

we are physically and mentally disabled, 20 years old and currently dependant on our mother and grandmother. we have autism and anxiety, are the mental things most relevant for this story(also - these mental disabilities are entirely known by all of our family members). we aren't diagnosed with anything for our physical disabilities, but we suspect we have chronic fatigue syndrome, and we have something causing severe chronic pain.

our aunt had come to visit with her fiance, from another state, and was spending a couple of days with our family.

we enjoy cooking, and we're good at it. we offered to cook dinner for everyone, and because of our aunt disliking mushrooms, she asked us to make a second, separate batch of what we were making for the meal. okay, we're a picky eater as well. we were just happy to be able to make something that we thought everyone would like - and everyone *did* like it! it all turned out really good, the texture of the batch we made for our aunt was a little different than we expected and we were used to, but it all was still really good.

we had been cooking for like...an hour and a half. the entire time, we were out there with our family. there were a lot of people. we had to share the kitchen at one point as well, because our aunt wanted a specific side dish with the meal that we couldn't make, it was her and her fiance who made it.

by the time we'd finished cooking, we were in a lot of pain, tired, overheating, and drained. not to mention just generally hungry. so, we took a bowl of the food we'd made, told everyone that food was ready and they could help themselves. and then tried to go to our bedroom.

every time we cook, we go back to our bedroom with our food, even when it's for a smaller group. we need that chance to recharge.

our aunt started to get on our ass a bit, saying something like "you're not going to stay out and eat with us?" and we essentially responded "no? I'm tired." she essentially stated "but you know, sometimes, family comes first!"

she and her fiance started to get on our ass about it more. note that, her fiance? he is not someone we consider family. we don't dislike him, but he's not someone we know. he is an acquaintance at best. he will be family to us legally when he marries her, and that's it.

it felt like they were ganging up on us, trying to change how we've always done this. we made them food, and an entirely separate batch of it as well, with one alteration, that changed the entire cooking process of the meal. the mushrooms are the very first thing to go in. and we had to handle both different dishes at once - something we had never done before.

we were doing an event together the very next day. "I'll be at the event tomorrow the entire time" is what we pretty much said, before going to our room anyways. (side note - she completely ditched our entire family to spend the entire time with her friends at this event.)

at some later point in her visit, we tried to explain somewhat, "I have mental health issues that make this difficult, and I was in pain, I needed a break." and she essentially said something like "sometimes you need to push through that and just do it anyways." we got frustrated and said "whatever, you don't understand." she tried to say "no, I do understand-" but we stopped her and said "no, you don't." then continued with something else we were doing.

we feel like she was being ableist as fuck, but also just generally rude. but pretty much that's where this ends off. we've thought about this so often since it happened and just want other peoples' opinions I guess.

What are these acronyms?

[moonmemes]

DOKI DOKI LITERATURE CLUB PROMPTS warning: disturbing and mature content

"I've been reading a lot of horror lately."

"I hate horror."

"Thanks for keeping your promise."

"I overslept again."

"I know how hard you tried to make everyone happy."

"What am I saying?"

"I guess you don't have it in you to be mean even if you really want to."

"You say that like you were thinking about ignoring me."

"I changed my mind."

"Your happiness is really important to me, you know?"

"Honestly, you're even worse than me sometimes... I'm impressed!"

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I didn't want you to feel left out."

"You look out for me better than you look out for yourself."

"Glad to see someone recognises my experience."

"Keep practicing and maybe you'll be as good as me some day."

"I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Whatever it takes for me to help you stop hurting, that's what I'll do."

"I don't understand your feelings at all."

"I know what you need the most right now."

"You're always hungry."

"When somethines wrong, you can't hide it from me."

"This isn't just some game where I can reset and try something different."

"I had only one chance and I wasn't careful enough."

"Please don't force yourself to be around me."

"Don't make me feel guilty."

"It almost feels like I've been betrayed as your close friend."

"The only cute thing about you is how hard you try."

"It's not healthy to think about the things you could have done differently."

"If you feel guilty, then that just means you deserve to feel guilty."

"Your suffering is fair enough retribution."

"I'm getting punished for being so selfish."

"I don't want to be cared about."

"I've had a really bad depression my whole life."

"What reason is there to do anything when I fully know how worthless I am?"

"Be careful, you might cut yourself on that edge, [name]. Oh, my bad, you already do, don't you?"

"Did you just accuse me of cutting myself?!"

“Have you considered killing yourself?”

“It would be beneficial to your mental health.”

“Wow, there’s really something wrong with me isn’t there?”

“I’m addicted to you.”

“It feels like I’m going to die if I’m not breathing the same air as you.”

“Doesn’t it feel nice to have someone care about you so much?”

“But if it feels so good, then why does it feel more and more like something horrible is going to happen?”

“I’m madly in love with you.”

"I sacrificed everything for us to be together."

“It feels like every inch of my body… every drop of blood in me… is screaming your name.”

“I don’t care what the consequences are any more.”

“I love you so much I wanna die.”

“I just wanna pull your skin open and crawl inside of you.”

“I want you all to myself.”

“Doesn’t that sound perfect?”

“Tell me you want to be my lover.”

“Do you accept my confession?”

“I didn’t realise the script was broken that badly.”

“I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

“Now that i think about it, i don’t know anything about the real you.”

"If only you had paid a little more attention, this would have been a little less awkward."

"I guess I owe you an explanation."

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"It's not just jealousy. It's more than that."

"You're here. You're real. And you're wonderful."

"You probably saved my life."

"I don't think I could have continued to live in this world if I hadn't have met you."

"Will you make me smile like this every day from now on?"

"There's nothing left here. Just the two of us."

"I don't even think time is passing any more."

"We can be together forever."

"Don't be shy, I'd love to see what you wrote."

"I'm just falling more and more in love with you."

"Do you ever just feel like there's no real reason for you to be alive?"

"So much for being a good person, right?"

"You're supposed to jump from high enough that the rope snaps your neck, making it quick and painless."

"I just think you're really great and wanted to make sure you're not accidentally destroying yourself."

"Have you ever wondered what it feels like to die?"

"Did you delete me?"

"Go find some other people to torture."

"You completely, truly make me sick."

"I never thought anyone could be as horrible as you are."

"I'm just messing up a world I didn't even belong in."

"We finally got the good ending."

[palushiemalis-fr]

dergtober -- day 27 -- Rot

"WHAT ON SWEET SORNIETH HAPPENED TO YOU?!"

They was a clatter and clang of sterilised tools as Sourush, the clan nurse, fell off of his perch and onto the floor of the infirmary.

Victra cleared her throat; she hadn't even had a chance to knock. She knew there was a new nurse employed alongside Hark, who was now training to become a battlefield healer. She was hoping they would have been informed before they met for a proper consultation.

She drew a long sigh and offered a claw to the veilspun, who was still scrambling on the floor, his claws skittering in panic. Victra was used to staring, and gasps, and screams. She was numb to it all.

"Hello. I am Victra. I was dead and now I am not."

She recited the same introduction she always gave, hoping to skip the usual battery of questions and concern.

Sourush squirrelled back up to his perch, making a point not to touch her claws.

"I -- I -- Erm... hello?"

"Hello. Do I need to repeat myself?"

"No, I... I don't think so." Sourush looked her up and down, eyeing the many bandages that clung to her ever weeping wounds and cracking scabs.

"I am kept alive through Plague magic." She stated, "The infections keep me alive. I feel fine. Mostly."

"Mostly?" Sourush tilted his head, "Whatever Mage resurrected you has done a remarkable... if not hasty job."

Victra groaned, "I'd rather not talk about it. It's all a bit... complicated."

"I see... well, what can I do to help you?"

"I just need a refill of boneknit ointment. It makes me feel less itchy. Orodo has a recipe for it, I imagine."

Sourush scratched his little tufted beard, "Is that all?"

Victra nodded, she settled down on a stone examination table, tucking her shredded wings to her side.

Sourush gave a little bow and began to open apothecary drawers and fetch hanging herbs from the rafters, some camomile here and comfrey there... a little dock leaf mashed with ooze mucus for consistency. He began mashing the mix with a pestle far too big for him, all the while squinting over his patient.

"... I understand your curious but there's no need to stare." Victra said, her eyes averted from him.

"Oh no, I apologise, I was simply wondering if you wanted anything for your feathers." He said, pounding with all his tiny strength, "Unless you're moulting, they ought to be shinier."

Victra creased her brow, "I... Never really think about it."

"Your fur, too, it looks dry." He hummed, "How much protein are you eating...?"

"Oh, I guess whenever I am hungry? I don't have much of an apetite nowadays."

"Are you aware of the finer details of the necromancy keeping you alive? Any footnotes considering diet and nutrition? We may be able to keep you from falling apart somewhat less if you considered eating more eggs and oily fish."

Victra blinked at him, the concern was shockingly normal. "I see, I can do that. I just tend to skip breakfast most days."

"Stop that at once. Have the eggs each morning at the garden cafe--"

Victra grimaced, "I tend to avoid going up top... what with the smell..." She turned away, aware that she always had the foul odor of rot about her.

Sourush put his paws on his hips, "I'll see too it that any dragon that makes a comment will get a punch in the nose. You can't negelect your health for the sakes of embarassment. You see nesting mothers who haven't preened or bathed in weeks up there, gardeners covered in muck and compost and hatchlings -- don't get me started -- disgusting little blighters at times. You'll fit right in."

Victra chuckled, "Okay. As long as you put in some mint in my ointment to cover the smell. Maybe we could meet for morning eggs."

"Deal." He smiled.

[that-girl-lyra]

A (long) Rant About Fitness & Personal Health

So if you're new to my blog, hi, Im Lyra and I am a 27 y/o who is very passionate about fitness and physical health. A few years back I was 165lbs and very unhappy, so I decided to start working out and then boom, currently 116lbs and 18% body fat. (Im 5ft2)

I didnt do that through some wacko diet, restricting my food, keto, whatever. No. Simply put, I ate food, and lifted heavy shit over, and over and over. And whoda thunk?! I lost body fat, gained muscle, as well as mental clarity, improved my sleep health, and physical health as a whole. And another fun fact, I still ate "bad food". Oooo, scary. Pizza, beer, burgers, cake, cookies, if its food, I want to eat it, and I did (and do).

It irks me on a cellular level that some people try to convince others that the only and or best way to lose weight, is to follow some weird ass diet that likely has more health risks than benefits, and the people theyre trying to convince, are already pretty vulnerable and are ready to try pretty much anything to get results and FAST!

Whilst I more than understand wanting results asap, fitness and physical health is not something you will see results and progress with in a short span of time. Sure, you might start feeling a little better after a month of implementing a fitness routine, but you'll look the same, and more or less still be the same. Fitness above all else teaches patience, and discipline. The muscles, slimmer figure, or whatever your original goal was is just a bonus.

Let me break a few things down for you;

Food is fuel, so fuckin EAT

You dont need to be keto, or follow the carnivore diet, vegetarian, vegan, nada. Nothing. Zilch. Zero, to be able to lose weight and gain muscle effectively, efficiently, safely, and be able to maintain a healthy body.

The best thing that I have ever heard regarding food (and it helped change my own relationship with food) is a quote from personal trainer and fitness coach Alex Tima from Hybrid Wellness. Alex said "There is no such thing as bad/unhealthy food. There is only more nutritious food, and less nutritious food".

Too much of anything isnt good, and too little of anything is also not good. Thats why we call it a "balanced" diet.

A lot of fitness influencers and whoever now days are trying to convince their followers to follow a strict diet of only animal products and maybe some fruit, all while eating one meal a day because "thats what our ancestors did!". Yeah, and our ancestors died at the ripe old age of 30.

True, we are/were hunter gatherers, but evolution is a thing as well. Just because back then we could survive off of only one meal a day, doesnt mean we have too now. More so, the biggest and strongest of our ancestors, still ate more/the most!

Bottom line, eat food when youre hungry. Eat good food. Meats, fruits, veggies, grains, fats, etc.

Dont let anyone tell you that youre undisciplined because you dont subscribe to any particular diet.

2. If You Wanna Look "Toned", You've Gotta Put in the Work

After becoming more fit and healthy myself, I have had quite a few people approach me and ask how they can do the same. However, nine times out of ten, they all say the same thing, or at least some variation of "I just wanna look more toned".

Well guess what? You will not look more toned, if there is nothing to tone.

Cardio alone will not help you achieve your goals. Sure, walking is fantastic and jogging is a great way to increase cardiovascular health and stamina, but it will not make you look more "toned". For that, you will need to build muscle. And how do we build muscle?

WE LIFT HEAVY SHIT WE EAT LOTS OF PROTEIN AND THEN WE LIFT HEAVIER SHIT

Unless you are literally training like Sam Sulek, you will not look like Sam Sulek. Lifting weights will NOT make you look "big" or "bulky" if you're not trying to become big or bulky. Just lift a good amount to where its a bit of a struggle, and increase the weight gradually overtime as you become stronger.

That with a little bit of cardio works wonders. Not just cardio or weights by themselves.

Again...balance

3. FUCK THE SCALE

Sooooo many people are obsessed with the scale, being skinny, having the smallest BMI they could possibly get but let me tell you something.

My own mother has been obsessed with not only her weight (shes an almond mom with the exception of booze), but mine for as long as I can remember. Shes done so many diets, taken god knows what concoctions of...whatever, pills, etc all for the sake of being skiiinniiiiiiiii!!!!!

Guess where she is now? I mean sure, shes super fuckin skinny, but shes got diareah 24/7, liver damage, blood problems, thyroid issues, she had fuckin scurvey, and various brain issues and pretty much, delusions. But so long as her weight is low along with her waistline, she does not give a fuuuuuckk.

Guys, its not worth it. Do NOT stress over the numbers you see on the scale or any BMI calculator. Its okay if you want to drop a few pounds, but I highly HIGHLY encourage you to just simply take progress pics instead. Your eyes may lie to you, but the camera will not.

I could go on and on and on about this topic, but this is already a long enough post, and I don't want to info overload you lol.

To wrap up, fitness and personal health is all about balance. Nothing more, nothing less. Balanced diet, balanced sleep, balanced workout plan, etc.

If you have any questions whatsoever, please feel more than free to drop into my asks! Ill be more than happy to answer them when I can :)

[heartshattering]

I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.

Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.

Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.

Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.

Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.

I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.

I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.

[linashirou]

4, MGS 🤭

I guess I can say that I don't really know what love is.

Okay. That sounds weird.

Of course, in terms of the concept of the word and its meaning, I have knowledge of what love is. Brotherly and parental love is also something I could consider knowing and having.

But to have a girlfriend?

I want to believe that I won't make a mistake again. I want to believe that this time it won't be someone who will overwhelm me with her strong character, and that it won't be "Stockholm syndrome" or downright "taking advantage" of me as Snake has mentioned to me on other occasions. The fact that we met under strange circumstances clearly doesn't help me understand myself, and sometimes I'm not sure if this will be another desperate attempt to cling to a person who shows me a hint of affection, Giving crumbs to the love-hungry man that lives inside of me. And it's that when you're 37 years old, when you've been alone for the most part of your life, when you have a company, economic stability, a house to live in, a daughter, and an unconditional comrade like Dave waiting for you every day.

What else is there to live for? Of course. Filling the emotional void.

The past two years I was entirely dedicated to the legal issues of Sunny's adoption and Dave's health situation, which was temporarily improved thanks to whatever is up there, giving me more time to accept what was happening to him. Anyway…

I know, as he said… I have the right to finally rebuild my life. And at that very moment. She appeared. And now, as I look in the mirror while shaving, I realize how I let her get into my life without even analyzing her, desperately making her mine… I can't control how inexperienced my sentimental side is, like a boy in the body of an almost forty-year-old. Oh damn! I've accidentally cut myself. A thin red thread of blood escapes from the cut, leaving a trail that I watch carefully on the sink as I turn on the faucet to clean myself. Like the red thread that I romantically believe connects us.

Just like her hair, which was fanned out on my bed on the day that we made love for the first time… And after less than half a year of being together, I am already hers…

Because I believe she is everything I never had:

A friend with whom I can talk, a sister with whom I strive for a harmonious world, a mother who comforts me, and a lover who patiently brings out the best in me and makes me blossom.

The long awaited soulmate.

And no matter how much I try to clean that cut, the red ink of our love already stained the inside of my soul… And I can't forget how you let yourself be seen without restrain

I still remember how yesterday I could feel with the palms of my hands every curve and every line of that body that not long ago was... A complete stranger to me.

[purlturtle]

In case you were wondering if you're imagining things:

No, I don't think you do. Or if you are, I am too.

I think the population of (at the very least) the United States, and with them many of those countries that are culturally linked (for example because they watch a lot of US media), are being lied to, gaslighted, and traumatized, both intentionally and un- (or semi-) intentionally.

I think there is a concerted effort of conservative, ultra-conservative, evangelical, etc., forces to gain power at any cost. Those efforts go into politics, but also finance, education, media (both news and entertainment), judges/courts, medical institutions and so on. Everywhere that institutional power lies, basically.

(i don't wanna leave out other power hungry individuals and groups from, for example, ultra-capitalist and other areas, but i do think the main thrust comes from the unholy mix of right/conservative/evangelical quagmires.)

It's not just that their efforts lead to grotesque and evil laws and court decisions. It's also that they undermine worker protection, social safety measures, safety regulations for work, food, health, etc etc. It leads to a news cycle that is so toxic, skewed, and fear-mongering that it can't rightly be called "news" anymore. (Social media plays a part here too, firing up the "fastest wins, don't care if it's 100% factually true and reliably sources" carousel to dizzying speeds.)

All of this creates a climate of fear. People fear for their jobs, health, livelihood, actual lives, where the next meal will come from, whether their living situation is stable for the foreseeable future, etc. etc.

This fear directly leads to a loss of empathy (it's hard to feel for someone else when you're worried that you'll lose your job and your apartment if you miss your next shift.) and to physiological and psychological stress that, by its sheer duration and scope, is one of the definitions of trauma - even in otherwise completely healthy (including mental health) people.

This attack is widespread, concerted and relentless, and that is bad enough by itself. But if you're like me, the worst aspect of it is:

There are people out there who honestly think this is the correct, good, right way to behave.

Be that because they're openly and unashamedly power hungry, or because they're evangelical Christians who think this is the path to heaven, there are people, in actual positions of power, who see all of the above as the way to go.

It boggles my mind, and it's been the single most disturbing thing for me to see and watch and accept.

I'm not here to speak to what can be done.

I'm here to say, i see you, fellow person who is equally appalled at this. Yes, this is happening, yes, this is traumatizing, and yes, you might be traumatized by it as well, even if your life situation is relatively stable and/or not directly impacted by all this shit.

And that means that giving others grace and understanding for reactions caused by all that relentless trauma is important - but it also means giving yourself time and space (and understanding and grace) to process this as well. Because you, too, are part of this traumatized society. And if you're a highly empathetic and/or compassionate person, like me, this will burn you out if you don't take preventative measures. Take care not to pile onto others' trauma - but take even more care not to compound your own. Feed your soul with good things, and don't be ashamed of that "when so many others are suffering" - adding your own suffering will not help those others one bit. On the contrary, you'll be able to help them better if you're calm, have slept enough, have nourished your body and soul with good things, and help only to the degree that is sustainable for you. Not "doable", but sustainable. This is a marathon not a sprint.

This is a concerted, deliberate attack on solidarity and union of the people against the 1%, the "ruling elites", whatever you want to call them. This is a concerted, deliberate attack on our collective, society-wide ability to be empathetic, compassionate, helpful and united with others against a common foe. "You are amongst the walking wounded" has never been so true, and so important to keep in mind: fight against those who wound, not those who are wounded.

[mithliya]

If you don't mind sharing advice-

I have read about the way you have struggled with mental health and I am sorry about that :/

But you're also studying everyday. So could you advise me on how to study while being mentally ill?

Ik our experiences might not match. But everytime I try I am able to study for 1 or 2 hours properly max. After that I end up getting a panic or anxiety attack. I also feel hollow and sad all the time and not have desire to do anything but sleep. And I keep finding myself reading the same thing again and again or taking longer than usual to achieve a goal.

Do you know how I could deal with that?

tbh i get moments like this too. it sounds like youre really stressed. i usually try to make studying enjoyable and reward myself when i got through some parts. so like today, i motivated myself + made it so i can enjoy studying as much as possible doing the following:

listening to music that hypes me up / motivates me & helps me focus while studying

taking short breaks in between

sometimes talking to myself and explaining to myself out loud if im struggling to understand sth

once i finish a section, i reward myself by using my phone for example. for you, it might be sth else, like idk having a food you really like. going outside and enjoying the sun for a bit. whatever it is that is comforting and can push u 2 go further would be good imo (its hard to balance with using ur phone personally speaking bc u can get carried away n lose track of time)

reading out loud in general helps

writing down notes and then rereading them. writing them nicely also feels good so it helps me feel a bit better

sometimes watching videos about the topic can help if im struggling to focus when reading

writing a to-do list but rly breaking it down step by step. ticking stuff off the list is a good motivator

making sure to distinguish between what you NEED to do and what you WANT to do. extra things are extra, things without deadlines dont need to be done until the end

if sth is too difficult, i make note of it and come back to it later.

if ur struggling to focus, take a break and do sth that will help remotivate u and bring ur attention back

also its good to study while ur body is alright like, ur not too hungry or thirsty etc. i know thats basic but sometimes when ur busy u neglect urself

relating to point 12... also doing small stuff like a shower, washing ur face, etc can help u refocus, feel better, and get u more in the zone. at least for me

but tbh a lot of what ur mentioning to me sounds like chronic stress or some sort of stress overload.. is there a reason u can pinpoint as to why youre having these reactions? if youre in university or school, is it possible to receive disability support? when i was in university, i was provided with disability support which involved me seeing a woman 1-on-1 every week and we'd talk thru my achievements + what id have to do next n shed help me manage it better basically. i know they provide various accomodations depending on what ur specific issues are. so if ur school or uni has some sort of support for disability, seek it out. theres nothing to lose rly and u could rly benefit from it if u do gain sth from such a visit.

[kumeko]

A/N: For the @thissimplefeelingzine! Considering early zines started with Kirk/Spock, I’m really glad I got a chance to participate in one. Like a fandom pilgrimage? Or at least a checklist of the classics. “The Voyage Home” is one of my favourite Star Trek ones, I just love Kirk/Spock/McCoy banter. This takes place just after it all.

The quiet resignation of it all haunted Spock. Something in him had twisted that day, and even now it refused to relax. It had been weeks, and Spock still didn’t know what to do with those words, with this feeling.

…

…

…

…

There were many things Spock should’ve been doing with his spare time: checking inventory, getting a proper health check up, visiting his family, even just picking up a new skill. It was rare enough to get time off from duty, between invasions, sudden dangers, and whatever issues Kirk brought upon them. Even a layman would know better than to waste a day off.

Instead, for reasons he couldn’t quite explain, he had agreed to shore leave on Earth for a second time. Even worse, a second time with both Kirk and McCoy. If he’d just wanted to argue all day, he could have become a lawyer.

Spock sighed. For the second time in his life, he sat in front of a small campfire, watching as Kirk gently stirred a pot of beans. It was a small mercy McCoy hadn’t joined them yet, though Spock suspected that was more McCoy’s desire for a single day with low blood pressure than anything else. The only good thing was that it was still summer on Earth. The only thing more wasteful than camping was camping in the winter.

“Just about done,” Kirk announced as he took out a spoonful and sniffed it. He frowned. “I didn’t add enough whiskey.”

Spock raised a brow. He knew he had recognized the bottle Kirk had discretely added to the pot. “Does McCoy know you stole his ‘special ingredient’?”

“Steal’s such a harsh word,” Kirk drawled, smirking as he looked up. Even in the dark, there was a spark in his eye, an almost boyish charm that refused to leave no matter how old he got. “Call it borrowed.”

“Did you actually ask him for it?” Spock asked, already knowing the answer. He picked up a bowl and held it out, as Kirk ladled out dinner.

Kirk shrugged, unrepentant. Spock was certain Kirk didn’t understand the meaning of shame. “When you’re as close as we are, you don’t have to ask.”

“I am certain McCoy would beg to differ.” Spock took a bite and almost dropped the spoon. Unlike McCoy’s surprisingly good beans, Kirk’s were an acquired taste at best. Burnt at the bottom, over whiskey-ed at the top, it was a strange mixture of flavours that had no right to be so close to each other. “I believe you said this meal was a simple one?”

“If you can’t cook, there’s no such thing as a simple dish.” Kirk took a bite and spit it out. Wiping his mouth, he glared at the beans. “Wow, that’s crap.”

Spock wrinkled his nose. “I hope you are not feeding me excrement.”

“That’s not—never mind, Spock.” Kirk took another bite and shuddered. “I didn’t even know whiskey could be ruined.”

“I fear not even I could save this.” Spock stirred his bowl twice, to no avail.

“You can’t cook either.” Kirk sighed and set aside his bowl. “Alright, lesson learned. Next vacation, we’re planning food ahead of time.”

Spock took another bite before giving up. It truly was inedible in the strangest ways. “We are fortunate McCoy will arrive tomorrow. We will not have to stay hungry for long.”

“We won’t be hungry at all, just hung over.” Kirk pulled out the whiskey, pouring into a cup. “Don’t want to waste it, after all.”

Spock narrowed his eyes. The bottle looked new. “How many did you bring?”

“How about this, you guess, and for every wrong answer, you take a shot?” Kirk suggested, holding out the bottle. The dark glass reflected the flickering firelight, making the alcohol look as fathomless as space.

“I know better than to gamble against you,” Spock replied honestly, though he accepted the whisky nonetheless. Whatever else Earth was, it did actually have a decent selection of alcohols. A versatile selection to—McCoy’s beans had given Spock much to think about.

“That’s boring.” Kirk took a sip. “This is your second life. You should take more risks.”

“On the contrary, that is illogical. As I have died once already, I need to take care that it doesn’t happen again.” Spock drank the whisky, letting the rich flavour curve a path through his throat to his belly. Immediately, he felt warmer, despite the cool breeze caressing his skin.

Kirk rolled his eyes. “What a waste. If you’re always cautious, what’s the point of living?”

“Is that why you keep throwing away your life?” Spock pursed his lips, eyes locked on Kirk’s.

“That’s harsh.” The campfire flickered, casting shadows across his face. Kirk wore a ghost of a smile at the barb.  It was like seeing déjà vu, like Spock was rewatching the scene from a few weeks ago.

Only back then, McCoy had been with them, the three of them eating a meal of beans. Only back then, Kirk had been talking about his own brush with death.

I knew I wouldn’t die then, Kick had stated, with none of his usual cockiness or swagger. It had been a simple, straightforward truth, as illogical as that had been. “Because you were there.”

For a second, Spock had thought it was the start of another speech about unity, or even an acknowledgement of his skill. Instead, Kirk’s next words had left him cold.

“I’ve always known I’ll die alone.” Kirk had smiled then, an expression utterly devoid of his usual arrogance or flirtations.

The quiet resignation of it all haunted Spock. Something in him had twisted that day, and even now it refused to relax. It had been weeks, and Spock still didn’t know what to do with those words, with this feeling.

Before he could stop himself, he asked, “How did you know?”

“Know what?” Kirk asked, perplexed. He lowered his glass. “That you’re harsh?”

“Not that. A few weeks ago. You said that you will die alone,” Spock asked softly. He rolled his glass between his fingers, trying to organize his jumbled thoughts. “Humans are incapable of foresight.”

Kirk laughed, taking this matter far more lightly than he should have. That wasn’t new. Spock hated it nonetheless. “If I had foresight, we’d have a lot less trouble.”

“Kirk.”

“It’s nothing like that. I thought it was obvious. I mean, look at me.” He gestured at his chest. “You’ve said it yourself—I’m reckless. Our job is full of danger. I’m lucky I made it this far. One day I’ll go too far and wham! Dead.”

Spock tightened his jaw. He didn’t like that response. He didn’t know why. Only that the coil within him tightened. “That’s not an answer. Why will you die alone?”

“I…” For a rare moment, Kirk looked at a loss for words. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I…I don’t know. It was just a feeling. Why, what do you think?”

“I…” Spock curled his fingers into a tight fist as he thought about it. He couldn’t answer. He didn’t know the answer either, he didn’t even know why he was questioning it. For once, he took the easy out. “I will live to be around 200, like my father. All things considered, I will also die alone. You’ll all be dead first.”

Kirk guffawed heartily before taking another swig of his whisky. “The downside to living so long, huh? I’ll make sure to leave some room when you join us.”

Spock fell into silence, not comforted by that thought in the least. And that was without taking into consideration their differing views of the afterlife.

Kirk swirled his drink contemplatively. When the silence grew too long, he clapped his hands and stood up. “Alright, enough doom and gloom. We’re on leave, we’ve got a decent spot, and hell, even if the food’s shitty, the drink’s still good.” He skirted the campfire and plopped down on Spock’s right. Taking another sip, he sighed happily. “What do you say to a drinking contest? Or even those marshmallows you made before?”

Kirk brushed against Spock’s arm, his body warm. Spock suppressed a shiver. Clearing his throat, he pulled out a small, food-making machine and started it. A plump marshmelon popped out. “I have read up on marshmelons and apparently we require chocolate and crackers.”

“S’mores?” Kirk swiped the marshmelon and eyed it fondly. “I haven’t had those since I was a boy.”

He had said that about the camping songs on their last trip too. Spock raised a brow. “It seems camping is something one only does as a child?”

“No, I just haven’t had time. We barely have time for this shore leave, let alone actual vacations.” Kirk picked a random twig out of their kindling and wedged the tasty treat on the other end. “Considering the messes we get into, singing yankee doodle is at the bottom of my list.”

Spock copied his movements before raising the marshmelon over the fire. “I can say, on good authority, half of those situations are due to you.”

“I…can’t really argue that.” Kirk shrugged and bumped his shoulder. “Still, look at you, learning all about Earth. Maybe we’ll make a person out of you yet.”

“I am already a person,” Spock replied simply, rotating the stick slowly to give his marshmallow a perfect burn. Perhaps he had studied up a little too much for this trip. “Our last trip was…enjoyable and I merely wanted to ensure I was well-prepared this time.”

“Well-prepared.” Kirk snorted derisively. “You know this isn’t work, right? You don’t actually need to research.”

Kirk was wrong about many things, and this was just another one of them. Spock shook his head. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to make the most of this trip.”

“You don’t need to study to have fun.” Kirk rolled his eyes. The fire crackled as he tossed in another log with his free hand. The flames jumped, but not enough to burn their sugary treats. “Is the word ‘relax’, ‘vacation’ or even ‘fun’ in your dictionary, or are those ‘human’ things?”

Spock was used to the jab. He also couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it. “My dictionary is half human, as you like to remind me.”

“Sometimes, I wonder.” Kirk’s tone was light, teasing. He pulled back his stick, revealing a golden brown marshmelon, and grinned. “Perfect. Pass me some of that chocolate and crackers, I’ll show you how you’re supposed to eat these.”

“Very well.” Spock pressed a few buttons on his food machine. It whirred for a second, updating the order, before spitting out the light brown biscuits. He glanced at the marshmelon—combined with chocolate, it would be a very decadent meal. “It is quite fortunate McCoy isn’t here to see this. He would worry for our health.”

“Bones worries either way.” Kirk squished two crackers around the marshmelon and chocolate, making a strange perversion of a sandwich. “This only means more for us.”

The marshmelon oozed stickily onto Spock’s fingers as he repeated the steps. Irritatingly, the chocolate stayed stubbornly solid despite the heat. An imperfect s’more. He’d have to improve the next one. “It’s sweet.”

“It’s mostly sugar.” Kirk took a sip of whiskey and licked his lips. “This’ll fix it.”

As with all of Kirk’s solutions, it was a quick, simple, and temporary reprieve. The whiskey cut through the sweetness and kept the chewy marshmallow from sticking in Spock’s mouth like taffy. And if he wanted to eat any more s’mores, Spock would have to drink more.

But Spock absolutely refused to get drunk when it was just the two of them. Someone had to stay a voice of reason, and Kirk couldn’t even manage that while sober.

“That reminds me, you won’t get out of singing tomorrow.” Kirk yawned. The moon was high above them and crickets chirped. A gentle breeze stirred the leaves and ruffled Kirk’s short hair. “Even if it’s just row, row, row your boat.”

“I learned all of the required lyrics,” Spock replied evenly, remembering McCoy’s disappointment from their last trip. “Though I must profess, I still do not understand them. What does a boat have to do with a dream?”

“Nothing. It’s a song, Spock. Not everything has to make sense.” Kirk blinked sleepily. The whiskey bottle fell out of his limp fingers with a soft plop. It spilled onto the dirt, staining it. “Some things are better when you don’t understand them.”

“Some things?” Spock scoffed. Everything was better with set parameters and boundaries, with clear-cut definitions and meanings. “Like what?”

“Us,” Kirk mumbled, resting his head on Spock’s arm. “I think that’s what makes it work.”

Before he could respond, Kirk had already fallen asleep. Spock stared down at his golden-brown hair. It was a sight he had seen many times, enough so that his arm remained relaxed despite the intrusion.

If only his mind could do the same. Kirk’s words repeated over and over, bouncing in the corners of his head.

Us.

Somehow, that didn’t make Spock happy. Not the way this night had made him happy, not the way that just doing something as frivolous and inane as bickering over a campfire had made him happy. He hadn’t wanted the night to end.

No, it was deeper than that. He didn’t want any of this to end. Spock had never considered himself selfish, but he wanted it all. When he reached 200, he wanted to still have it all.

For a moment, he understood what his father must have felt upon meeting his mother: a mixture of fear, terror, and paralyzing happiness. The deep joy of making a connection, the painful realization at how temporary it was and how many long years would be spent apart.

And yet, despite it, his father had still chosen to do her. It was the logical thing to do, he had said once.

Spock’s logical choice snored against his arm. Hesitantly, he wrapped an arm around Kirk. He couldn’t be honest when Kirk was awake; he could barely manage now that he was asleep. “What do you mean ‘us’?”

Kirk didn’t reply, his breathing even. An owl hooted. The wind blew. Spock stared at the fire, realizing what was bothering him. His fingers dug into Kirk’s arm.

“You said you’d die alone,” he muttered, pulling Kirk closer. “That is incorrect. That is illogical. That is a lie.”

Perhaps his own death would be a lonely one. Perhaps Spock would find another—a century was an incredibly long yet oddly short time. But he didn’t need to know that to know what he’d do in another thirty years. Fifty, if they were lucky.

“If there is an us, then I will be there.”

The tight coil relaxed. Spock breathed in deeply. The full moon shone brightly overhead, and he hummed row row row your boat. Maybe tomorrow they could rock climb together.

[aura-acolyte]

Off-Screen Event: Ancient Betrayal

Now that the mysterious Lucario had calmed down the first order of business was to get him some food. It may seem strange to get your enemy food but Mare was always empathetic and Mega Evolving on his own seemed to take a lot of energy out of him. Besides, now that his eyes were open (literally) he didn’t seem like much of a threat anymore. Plus, Mare was also hungry.

You might expect our heroes to dine in a grand banquet hall since they’re in a castle. Your expectations would be wrong. Remember, the castle is also a hotel. As such, they dined in one of those dining areas with the breakfast buffets. You know, the kinds you see at theme park hotels.

In addition to the 5 who had been engaged in combat, Queen Ilene, Jenny, and Zinnia also joined the meal. They all had their hearty fill of whatever they could scrounge from the kitchen which was… a lot, actually. Lots of things that were probably had for all of their health.

“I am sorry for attacking you.” The Lucario said to Riley. “Your Aura is similar to Sir Aaron’s. I thought you were him.”

“Well that would make sense.” Riley said. “He is my ancestor.”

“I see…” The Lucario said.

“What’ve you got against Sir Aaron, anyways?” Mare asked, mouth full of food.

The Lucario slammed the table with his paw. “He betrayed his kingdom and trapped me in that sword!”

“Perhaps you could explain from the beginning.” Queen Ilene suggested. “How did you wind up in the sword?”

“Yes, of course.” The Lucario said. “My name is Kazoku. I was Sir Aaron’s partner…”

----

(Music Box: Sir Aaron 1 from Lucario and the Mystery of Mew)

Kazoku felt great anger and sadness as he ran through the barren canyon. Once, the mountain range in which the Kingdom of Rota resided had been green and fertile, full of life and happiness. Not so anymore. The fires of war had ravaged them, turning them into a barren wasteland. The only green left was the Tree of Beginnings and even that might fall if the war continued.

Rota had remained neutral in the war between Kanto and Johto. They had no standing army and so could not be of any assistance to either side. Unfortunately, this also meant that they could not stop the two sides from using their mountain range as a battlefield.

Kazoku stopped in the middle of the canyon and closed his eyes, letting the aura flow through him. The two armies were growing closer. On his right, Kanto troops adorned with red armor. On his left, Johto troops in green. Kazoku could sense the anger and hatred in them. They wanted to kill each other. And Rota was about to be caught in the middle.

Kazoku opened his eyes and began running again. He had to inform Aaron. Thankfully, there was an Aura Crystal not too far from here. He could send a message through that too Aaron.

Not too much later he reached the crystal. He kneeled down and placed his paw on it.

“Sir Aaron.” He thought, sending his Aura through the crystal. “The armies grow closer. They will be here soon. If they clash, Rota will be destroyed.”

After a moment, Aaron responded. “I understand. There is only one thing to do. Kazoku, my dear friend, please stay where you are and wait for me.”

“Understood.” Kazoku replied.

Suddenly, Kazoku sensed the presence of three Auras behind him. Houndoom from the Kanto army.

“You snuck up on me.” He growled. “That is always a mistake.”

The three Houndoom tried to flamethrower him simultaneously to no avail as he leaped up into the air to avoid the attack. He flipped forward and landed behind the Houndoom, who turned around to face him. Kazoku fired off two Aura spheres, taking out the Houndoom on the left and right.

The Houndoom in the center charged him. Kazoku leaped back but not before getting enough dust in his eyes to render him blind. Not that it mattered, since his Aura Vision easily compensated for his lack of sight. Kazoku ran towards the Houndoom and knocked it away with his bone rush staff. Just in time, too, as Aaron arrived on the back of his Pidgeot.

“Kazoku? What happened to your eyes?” He asked, dismounting the bird Pokemon.

“Don’t worry about me, Sir Aaron.” Kazoku replied.

“Don’t call me that.” Aaron replied. “I am abandoning the queen and the kingdom. I am no longer worthy of my title.”

“What!” Kazoku yelled.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron said solemnly.

He turned and began to run. Kazoku chased after him but before he could get very far, Sir Aaron whipped back around and threw his sword into the ground tip first. Kazoku felt a flash of light and then… darkness.

----

(Music Box: None)

“The next thing I know, I sense a powerful Aura and an Aura resembling Sir Aaron’s.” Kazoku said.

“That would be us.” Mare said, pointing to herself and Riley.

“Right.” Kazoku said. “I was able to draw on the power of your Aura to free myself.”

“That’s a thing you can do?” Mare asked.

“Aura works in mysterious ways.” Queen Ilene said.

“Translation: It runs on bullshit.” Zinnia translated.

“That is a very crude way of putting it but yes.” Queen Ilene replied.

“We’re getting off topic, here.” Kyoshi pointed out.

“Right, yeah, sorry.” Mare said. “I can’t believe Sir Aaron would do something like that. The stories say he’s a hero and he didn’t seem like a bad person when I met him.” “You met Sir Aaron!?” Riley, Mosa, Ilene, Kazoku, and Jenny all chorused.

“Impossible.” Kazoku growled. “If it really has been hundreds of years as you say, he should be dead.” “Oh, he is.” Mare said, taking another bite of her food. “I met his ghost.”

“Hmm… I suppose it was too much to hope that he would meet eternal suffering in the afterlife for his transgressions.” Kazoku said bitterly.

“Well that’s a bit harsh.” Mare said.

“He betrayed me and his kingdom.” Kazoku said. “What’s more, he clearly lied about it, spreading tall tales to paint himself as the hero.”

Mare stood up and slammed her hands on the table. “I refuse to believe it! A Chosen of Rayquaza would never turn their back on people in need! And they would never betray a friend!”

“A trifectist.” Kazoku growled. “I should have known with brands like those.” He gave a pointed look at the burn scars from the Shadow Sky on Mare’s arms, which had healed in the form of Rayquaza markings. “Well, little girl, perhaps Rayquaza’s Chosens are not as noble as you think.”

“First of all, I have a name.” Mare said in a low growl. “It’s Mare. You better remember it. Second of all, these aren’t brands, they’re scars I got protecting people. And third of all, I’m no Trifectist. I’m the Chosen of Rayquaza.”

“Hmph.” Kazoku hmph’d. “In that case, perhaps you would abandon your partner just as easily.” “You take that back!” Mare shouted, ready to throw hands with Kazoku once again.

Thankfully for the dining room, they were cut off by a glowing red light that bathed the room. The crystal chandelier that adorned the ceiling was glowing red.

“Is it supposed to do that?” Zinnia asked.

“This is not good.” Queen Ilene said with worry. “According to legend, the crystals only glow red when Mew or the Tree of Beginnings are in danger.”

“Not good is an understatement.” Mare said. “We have to help it!”

“Mare, are you sure-” Riley began but Mare cut him off. “Yes I’m sure.” She insisted. “Somebody’s in trouble, its my duty to save them!”

[anistarrose]

[ID: replies from @birdgirl22 reading: "This is why lab grown meat should be a thing. If you would literally die from not eating meat for whatever reason. You can still be vegan, morally. You don't need all animal products i assume, or at least limit the amount as much as humanly possible. And make up for all that pain by donating if possible and spreading the vegan message to those who can be fully plant based." End ID.]

There's a lot going on here that I wish I didn't have to unpack, but that needs to be unpacked and corrected by someone, because otherwise, it will continue to propagate uncorrected, with the potential to harm people with food allergies well beyond this tumblr conversation. There are three fallacies I need to highlight, starting with:

"This is why lab grown meat should be a thing."

The prospect of lab grown meat — while undoubtably an area of research with the potential to help many people, if its products are ever made widely available and sustainable — is used here as a quick rhetorical "get out of jail free" card, to avoid engaging with the possibility that even in an idealized future, there are people who could need animal agriculture to live.

What if lab grown meat does become attainable and accessible, but due to challenges in the lab, we find that it can only practically be grown from a substrate that itself triggers allergic reactions, in many of the people prescribed this cultured meat to cure them of their vexing animal-product ethical dilemmas? This is no more of a thought experiment than the possibility that lab grown meat will someday meet my needs. I am allergic to plants used as substrates and media in the production of everyday food additives — corn, soy, and most of their close relatives, for those wondering — and that's taken enough of a toll on my health on its own.

Cultured meat could be a huge development for me, and as a person concerned with animal welfare, I sincerely hope it will be — but it could also completely fail me, and to assume the possibility of the former preclude any consideration for accommodating me in the event of the latter is indicative of only accepting convenient facts for one's belief system. There are good reasons why "even in the most idealized future, people may need animal agriculture to live" is an understandably challenging thought. (I imagine people in your position also find "hunting and fishing are important cultural practices to Indigenous people who have already had their lands seized, and should have those lands restored to them, instead of their autonomy being seized any further" to be a challenging thought, by the way.) But we cannot discard thoughts simply because they are challenging. Conflicting needs happen. Solutions need to be found without denying a conflict exists, or could exist, or will continue to exist in the first place.

"You don't need all animal products i assume, or at least limit the amount as much as humanly possible."

If you, or anyone else sharing your views, reads just one paragraph of this response, make it this one. Your suggestion to "limit the amount [of animal products] as much as humanly possible" is exactly the type of mentality that's had me teetering on the edge of an eating disorder for years. So, frankly, no. I don't think I will be limiting my animal product consumption as much as "humanly possible." No, I don't think I'll spend every meal asking myself "is this the minimum amount of animal protein possible I need to survive." I won't be asking myself if that bowl of yogurt I eat for lunch, which already leaves me hungry, could be reduced even further.

When I have my near-weekly anxiety attacks about whether the poultry-based meals I eat every day for dinner — because I have no other fucking choice — are too high in sodium and fat, and whether I will die young of heart failure because of the only foods left that didn't leave me bedridden, I won't set aside some time to contemplate starving myself for "ethical" reasons, too. When I worry about the current listeria outbreak in chicken in the United States, and worry how I'll even feed myself if it worsens and spreads to other meats, I won't be sure to keep in mind that I should be "minimizing my chicken intake" anyway, for fuck's sake! Do you think I like being this dependent on animal products? Do you know how prone animal products are to being diseased and being recalled like this? Do you know how a lifetime of food-related illnesses, of hospitalizations, has left me with so much generalized food-related trauma that I tremble with fear whenever I have to handle raw meat?

"And make up for all that pain by donating if possible and spreading the vegan message to those who can be fully plant based."

Oh yeah of course, totally, I recognize that the incredible pain and suffering I inflict by eating animal products is a sin and a burden that I should always carry. I will justify my inherently burdensome, downright parasitic existence in the only way I know how, by donating all the money I totally have — from being totally able to work full-time, from having incredibly manageable healthcare costs, from having incredibly affordable dietary needs. And yes, of course, I'll proselytize the vegan doctrine to everyone I know! When I see someone dare to derive an ounce of nutrition from meat, I'll be sure to guilt until they change their ways — no matter if they might be prone to eating disorders, or if they might have allergies of their own, or if I know that information or have any right to know! I will direct them right to the community that treats disabled people like me as parasitic, as a person who causes pain by my very nature and must constantly fight a battle to justify my own existence! Yes, you've enlightened me, I'll start doing that right away!

Obviously, I'm being sarcastic in the prior paragraph. Disabled people aren't fucking parasites. (Indigenous people who hunt and fish sustainably also aren't parasites. Humans aren't parasites.)

I think veganism is incredibly, profoundly wonderful as an individual choice. I have met vegans and vegetarians — some of them disabled themselves — who engage with me and my experiences, the perspectives I bring to food ethics, with open ears and so much care. And yet, the vegan community at large is incredibly hostile to disabled people. This is a challenging combination of thoughts and facts for me, personally. But as I have argued, when conflicting needs give rise to challenging thoughts, we have an obligation to consider compromises and solutions, instead of denying the conflict's existence.

This is why I speak about ableism in the vegan community — precisely because I think it's such a powerful movement for animal welfare and environmental justice. I want to see it be better. Speaking about ableism that affects me is emotionally, sometimes even physically taxing — I'm chronically ill, as I'm sure you've noticed, and emotions like these can cause problems for me. I'm sweating and shivering, with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, at this very moment.

So obviously, it's not easy for me to get this personal. But when I think about other people like me, alienated from environmental justice and animal welfare and food ethics, because of unaddressed ableism? Speaking out and getting personal gets just a little bit easier.

And while we're getting personal? Stranger on Tumblr whom I'm replying to, I have to admit I am not angry with you. I think you have serious misconceptions, but really, all I can think is this — I'm glad I'm not you, and I'm glad you're not me.

Let me explain. I am glad that I could take the "severe food allergy bullet" for you. Because sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I hope that you never spontaneously develop all of the food allergies that I spontaneously did.

Why? Because as much as I struggle with it some days, I know my inherent worth as a human being. As much as I still struggle with it many days, I know I don't have to starve myself just to be morally allowed to exist. I know I don't have make up for anything about what I eat, and I know I don't have to bear any original sin for my existence as a disabled person — because disabled people are not parasites.

Fundamentally, I am glad that I could take this food allergy bullet from someone who, by the sound of things, might not know these things. Someone who would've struggled with all this even more.

To anyone still reading this post? Promise me you'll value yourself if you're disabled, or if you ever become disabled. That you'll value yourself even if people say you're a burden. That you'll value yourself even if you have a conflicting accessibility need. I want you to keep yourself safe, and keep yourself fed. We can advocate for a better world and for ethical consumption without guilt-based appeals, and without starving ourselves. None of us are parasites.

trying not to start an online fight in a comically inappropriate venue, but people also have some genuinely concerning misconceptions about this, so: if someone tells you that they can't go vegan because of dietary restrictions, you do not know more than they do about those restrictions in question. and they are under no obligation to share personal medical details in order to prove that you are wrong.

moreover, a world in which anyone has to "prove" their need for dietary accommodations to any authority — to say nothing of being denied them a priori because of a refusal to engage with even small scale, ethical animal husbandry — is enacting ableist violence on our bodies. personally, I want nothing more than for for-profit animal agriculture to burn with the rest of capitalism — but you have to understand that telling people like me to "just stop being selfish and stop eating animals" can only be translated as either "only eat things that make you violently ill," or "stop eating even the minimum amount of protein that a human can survive off of."

if you have an impulse to accuse me of overreacting, consider that the refusal of actual medical institutions to take legume and grain allergies seriously has caused me bodily harm throughout my life and to this day — with consequences for my overall lifespan that have yet to be revealed. I am not overreacting.