#i try to do it once a day thats the goal but sometimes i get rly bad and i start doing my piece of shit Next time ill do it . im too tired

[nomairuins]

also my sleepings getting bad again and ik its my fault for just..not being able to fall asleep. but i do hate it yeah

[ultravioletrayz]

So my idea for degradation fic involving Miguel would be something like this- (also please keep an open mind this idea is kinda out there)

So lets say Miguel is your mentor and you are so eager to please and do good work. You have always been kinda good at everything so people complementing you and telling you how great you are is nothing new. But Miguel is different, he's hard to please. So when you do something right he's not complementing you and that is odd for you, and when you mess something up well...he's quick to criticize you. this stirs something within you.

So you keep trying to please him and he's not into it he just keeps bringing you down and reader is starting to like it, sometimes wanting messing up. So lets say reader makes a big mistake on a mission and Miguel is ready to yell and degradant them but reader is getting turned on by it and Miguel noted it so he starts to degradant them more and it starts getting into NSFW territory. while he's getting into it he's just saying filth to you. "your so such a needy slut" "look at you getting turned on while I bully you, pathetic" "you want to be a good girl? you want me to praise you? too bad...now open..." *spits in readers mouth*

then if you can end it off where reader in passed out and thats when he's sweet in the aftercare when she dosn't know. he will open up to her one day just not yet.

Not even gonna lie, if Miguel was a meanie towards me i wouldn’t know whether to cry or cum.

Pairing: miguel o’hara x f!spiderperson!reader

Warnings: 18+, degrading kink, rough sex, fingering, orgasm denial/mild edging, getting bent over miguel’s desk, marking, clit slapping (like, once), pull-out method, absolutely terrible and rushed ending, miguel being mean, horny, and ultimately just socially-awkward

Summary: you strive for perfection in all areas… until the opportunity arises where doing the opposite will give you access to the perfection inside your mean boss’s boxers.

A/N: before anyone tries to come for me for making miguel seem like an asshole in this fic, ik that this isn’t entirely true to miguel’s character. however, i’m horny and dgaf. enjoy!!

Word Count: 3K (unedited)

For as long as you could remember, people would refer to you as ‘gifted’. It was as though everything you attempted to achieve was accomplished with ease. In your world, on the days when the Society was a distant memory and you were given the opportunity to act as a true Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Person, you practically lived in a bubble of praise. Surprisingly, the media worshipped you, recognising you as the hero you are. Locals chanted your name, asked for autographs, and even demanded you accept gifts and tokens of appreciation every time you were spotted in your costume on the streets. 

Although you forced yourself to stay humble within the public eye, you would be lying if you tried to convince yourself that the compliments and special treatment didn’t make you feel good, didn’t push you to be a better superhero for the sake of the citizens who practically worship the ground you walk on.

Which is the primary reason why having to tend to work and assignments at the Spider Society caused you so much misery. When you were first recruited, a few other Spider-People had mentioned how short-tempered and cold the boss is, but you had expected to win him over with your natural, over-achieving flare. That goal was quickly crushed when you met Miguel O’Hara for the first time. He had immediately lectured you on certain habits he had observed from footage of you fighting crime at home, giving you strict instructions on how to be better at your job. From then on, you’ve tried your best to view his constant criticism as a positive and value his (poor) attempts at mentoring you. 

It didn’t take long for you to realise that he wasn’t really trying to help you, and he was just a grumpy asshole as everyone had warned and wanted you to follow orders rather than going out and trying to prove yourself constantly. Lately, you’ve been slipping up, making mistakes. You had come to terms with the fact that Miguel wasn’t interested in showing you any appreciation or praise for your hard work, and it had begun to affect your performance on missions, bringing you to this point. 

“What the hell was that?” Miguel snarls at you, his platform lowering as he slams his fist on his desk and glares at you, his sharp red eyes burning holes in your pretty, sad little face. You had almost let an anomaly get away, blinded by your insecurities and Miguel’s lack of interest in your skills, you would have destroyed an entire universe if it weren’t for the backup Miguel had sent you.

“Miguel, let me explain-” You start, being cut off by an angry huff from Miguel.

“I’m sick of the excuses. I don’t care about how you handle shit in your own dimension. When you come here and are trusted to keep the multiverse stable, I expect you to do as you’re told. Unless the small task of containing the minor anomalies I assign you is too much to handle?” Miguel scoffs, shaking his head as he looks you up and down.

The look of disappointment on his tan, chiselled face would usually have you on the verge of tears, but as you’ve grown accustomed to his harsh beratement, it’s begun to have a very different effect on you. You can just imagine him, brushed back curls dishevelled and clinging messily to his face as he pounds into your needy pussy, whispering absolute filth into your ear as he uses you to get off. The thought has you practically soaking through your Spider-Suit, causing you to instinctively squeeze your thighs together as you force yourself to keep your gaze from dropping to Miguel’s broad, muscular physique. As his glare intensifies and he rolls his eyes at your subtle movements, you know he’s got you figured out.

Miguel’s heightened senses pick up on your current state of arousal, the scent of your slick making him dizzy as it clouds his mind. He had always beaten himself up about how harsh he could be towards you, reflecting on his cruelty to such a pretty girl with shame and regret. But finding out that you liked being treated so poorly by him, it has him going fucking crazy.

“Por el amor de Dios,” (for fuck’s sake) Miguel hisses, taking a step towards you, looming over your smaller form with a judgemental scowl plastered on his face. “You’re pathetic. Risking everything we work for here, just so that you can imagine me yelling at you while you finger-fuck yourself at night?”

Your eyes widen, his words reigning true as they hang in the air of the room. Yet, you make a miserable attempt at denying the accusation by shaking your head softly and taking a step back. Miguel only moves closer to you, intimidating you with his mere presence as his scowl curls into a cruel smirk.

“No me mientas, hermosa,” (don’t lie to me, beautiful) He whispers, one of his large, calloused hands grabbing your face and pulling you back towards him, fingers squeezing your cheeks as his breath hits your skin, sending shivers up and down your spine. “You’re usually so eager to please me. Did you think I was stupid enough not to notice when you started messing things up?”

“Miguel-” You whine, voice muffled due to the way he squishes your cheeks together, making your pretty lips jut out in a sad little pout.

“It always annoyed me how bubbly and determined you are,” He admits bluntly, sharp red eyes scanning your face, before trailing down to watch the way your thighs rub together in a pitiful attempt to alleviate the arousal coursing through you due to his relentless disparagement. “But I didn’t think you’d resort to acting like a dirty whore just because I’m not impressed by the ‘Friendly Neighbourhood’ act.”

His free hand trails down your body, fingers gliding between the valley of your breasts, down your stomach, and stopping just above the crotch of your Spider-Suit. He chuckles lowly as he watches the way you squirm in his grasp, hips attempting to roll against his hand for any kind of friction. 

If we had to be completely honest, he actually enjoyed watching you work. You really are gifted, always applying yourself to missions. When he heard you would be handling an anomaly for him, he would feel relieved, even proud. But he knew that any compliments he gave you would just be lost in the sea of praise you already received. So, in order to set himself apart, he decided he was going to be a complete dickhead to you. He figured bullying you would motivate you to seek him out in a crowd, make you strive to impress him and show off to him, and ultimately bring the two of you closer. It was shameful, how awful he is at making first impressions, that he’d rather hurt a beautiful young girl’s feelings as opposed to being a reliable boss and potential friend. But now knowing that he hadn’t completely ruined his chances at getting closer to you, he was certainly going to take full advantage of this new development.

“Now look at you, you don’t wanna be a good girl for me anymore, nena?” Miguel teases, grinning as he sees the need and innocence in your eyes as he releases your face with a harsh push. “You wanna be a dumb little slut for your fucking boss, instead?”

You want to say no, want to deny his harsh words and hopefully gain back some of the dignity he was stripping away from you, but your body yearns for Miguel’s touch, his degradation fueling your most carnal desires, and you nod your head frantically. Miguel sighs at your eagerness, tapping your cheek firmly as he wraps a hand around your throat, not applying any pressure but allowing his thumb to lazily stroke the side of your neck.

He leans in to bite your bottom lip hard, causing you to cry out in pain and open your mouth. He takes the opportunity and slams his plump lips against yours, tongue intertwining around yours inside your warm mouth as he groans into the sloppy, demanding kiss. His hand drops from your throat as his bulging arms tuck themselves underneath the fat of your ass and he lifts you up, carrying you over to his platform and dumping you on top of his desk, lips never leaving yours. Miguel’s razor-sharp claws protrude from his fingertips, slicing through the material of your Spider-Suit and prompting a startled yelp from you as he rips your clothes right off your body. 

The matching set you have on underneath has his dick thrumming in his suit, and he almost loses sight of his initial plan in a desperate temptation to worship your gorgeous body and shower you with the praise that he knows you deserve. But he wants to be different, wants to hold a special place in your heart, and this was the only way to do it. 

“You wore these for me, didn’t you?” He hisses flippantly against your lips, throwing the rags of your once cute little Spider-Suit across his office, before tearing your bra open from the middle with just the strength of his grip, claws retracting back into the pads of his fingers. “Puta de mierda.” (fucking whore)

Miguel flips your body over on his desk with ease, your face now pressed against the cold, hard material as Miguel leaves a trail of deep bite marks and hickeys across the exposed skin of your back, making his way down to your clothed pussy at an agonising pace, your ass wiggling enticingly to try and convince Miguel to give you what you want, what you need from him. Miguel peels your soaked panties off of you, tossing them onto his desk chair for later, as his fingers run up and down your already dripping folds, causing him to chuckle to himself.

“I never would’ve pegged you for a girl who gets off on this kind of thing,” Miguel whispers as his fingers explore your wetness, his tone much softer as his sharp, red eyes admire the way your body looks bent over his desk. He snaps himself out of his trance, opting to tap on your clit harshly with his fingers to bring himself back to a place of lust and callousness, and to tease you further.

Miguel dips his two fingers into your cunt, making you moan and cry out, your hands gripping the edge of Miguel’s desk as you push your hips back to fuck yourself on his thick fingers. He pumps his digits in and out of you at a leisurely pace, curling them to hit that sweet, gummy spot inside of you each time they delve deeper into your pussy. Miguel groans at the way you clench around his fingers as he thrusts them into you, his knuckles drenched in your arousal as he watches the way you grind against his hand when his thumb rubs your pulsing clit to stimulate you further. 

You’re completely falling apart at his touch, the way his fingers deliciously stretch your hole making you see stars as you approach your climax. Just as you’re about to cum, Miguel pulls his fingers out of your cunt and gives your clit a harsh slap, making you whine as your entrance twitches at the sudden loss.

“Sluts don’t get to cum ‘til I say so, muñeca.” Miguel taunts, disabling his nano-tech suit, the holographic material dissolving and revealing his tall, tan, muscular, the mere feeling of him towering over you from behind making you moan against his desk. He holds his fat, stiff cock in one hand, dragging it between your folds and gathering the slick trickling down your thighs as he scoffs at the way you tremble and spasm at his touch. “Especially sluts like you.”

Miguel plunges his dick into your pussy aggressively, bottoming out in one harsh slam of his hips against your ass and causing you to scream, his hand coming down to cover your mouth and muffle your echoing moans as he delivers fast, disciplining thrusts into the depths of your core, tip kissing your cervix with each frenzied movement. His cock rams into you mercilessly as he digs one hand into the plush of your waist while the other holds your head up, the two fingers he was using to play with your pussy forcefully entering your mouth. On instinct, you wrap your lips around them and suck the remnants of your essence off of his skin, moaning and choking on his thick digits as Miguel’s length stretches you to the brink of what is possible for your tight little pussy to handle and his balls slap against your puffy clit.

“Pussy was fucking made for me,” He grunts, delivering a smack to your juicy ass, the sting making you whine against his fingers, saliva dribbling down your chin and saturating the desk below your face. “Squeezing me so tight. It’s a shame that this pretty cunt can’t make up for how shit you are at your job. Maybe I won’t bother assigning you missions anymore? I’ll just call you in when I need a hole to fuck.” 

Wow. He really did think of you as useless. You had always considered yourself to be good at what you do. At home, you were a hero. Here, bent over your boss’s desk and being fucked so mercilessly, you felt like nothing but a whore. You cry, tears rolling down your cheeks as you moan and squeal with each thrust of Miguel’s thick cock into your hungry pussy. Despite your underlying feelings of shame for your recent failures as an employee, being fucked like a slut by the very man you’ve been fantasising about since the first time you had the displeasure of meeting was able to snap you out of your sadness and overwhelm you with passion.

Hearing you sob around his fingers fills Miguel with a sharp pang of guilt, but he brushes it off and pounds into you harder to remind himself of his end goal, breaking you down until he can make you his. If you really were as into his cruelty as you seemed, he was going to give you exactly what you so desperately needed.

“Mig-Miguel, I’m- fuck! I’m so close.” You whine, his fingers in your mouth making your voice come out as a spluttering cry. 

Miguel pulls his soaked fingers out of your mouth and holds your waist with both hands, fucking his cock impossibly deeper inside of you as the sound of skin slapping against skin and both of your desperate, breathy sounds of pleasure fill the dark office.

“Beg for it, amor.” He whispers against your ear, his chest pressed flush against your back as he nibbles at the smooth skin of your neck as his dick moves in and out of you at a brutal pace, the veins of his thick length caressing the warm walls of your pussy as he smushes his tip against your sweet spot with each thrust.

“Please, Miguel! I promise I’ll do better. I won’t make another mistake again, I’m gonna be so good, I swear! Better than I’ve ever been!” Your breathless pleas make Miguel feel a conflicting surge of both guilt and power. He watches the way your back arches and your thighs shake as you try so so hard not to cum, to be a good girl for him and follow his orders. At the end of the day, you just wanted him to like you, to see how good of a hero you are, and he knew that. Which is why he’s finding it so fun to toy with you like this.

“Shh, I know. I’ll let you cum, sweetheart.” Miguel coos, tugging on your hair so that he can reach your face and plant a kiss on your tear-stained cheek, his soft, long-awaited act of reassurance contrasting the lewd sounds of squelching as he fucks you with mind-numbing intensity. 

He reflects on his words as he listens to the way his unexpected words make you cry and whimper, and part of him regrets the way he approached your relationship, wishing he had just been honest with you and praised your efforts from the start, rather than being cruel and bending you over his desk to fuck you so harshly. But the way you tighten and pulse around his sensitive dick brings him back to the present, and he gives your waist an encouraging squeeze.

The tiny action of consolation has you spiralling, your vision going spotty as you squirt around Miguel’s fat cock, squeals and moans leaving your glistening lips as your whole body twitches with the all-consuming sensation of your release. Watching as you come undone, Miguel feels himself rapidly approaching his own release. He curses and pulls out of your sopping cunt, watching the way his leaky tip shines with your juices. It sends Miguel over the edge. He lets out a sharp whimper as he cums all over your round ass and your spine, thick globs of his climax staining your sweaty skin and making you exhale shakily. 

The sex and your crying make you pass out on the desk, and Miguel quickly covers you up and carries you to his quarters, laying you down in his bed and tucking you in. He whispers a quick apology to you, letting his cruel persona disappear and showing you how much he actually values you as a colleague and person when he thinks you’re asleep, but you hear everything. 

Maybe you didn’t really need to be praised by Miguel to know that you were good enough. And maybe he didn’t need to be so afraid of showing you that appreciation. For now, though, the angry sex would be a pleasant memory for both of you, in an odd way.

“Get some rest, cariño. You deserve it, for being such a good girl.”

I FINALLY FINISHED IT OMG. Thank you all for being so patient 💜💜

[queer-overwatch]

Hi!! Could I request maybe a Venture x Reader (Any pronouns will do) on like a museum date? I want Venture to yap.Please and Thank you. ( Also bless the both of you I needed more Venture content I was tweaking without them)

Venture at a Museum!

Aaa ty sm for the request!!! I love that idea so much- they are such a yapper I love them <3 also your welcome hehe, had to take thing into our own hands >:3 (also bc u didn't request a specific format (like hcs or oneshot) i just did a short lil oneshot, hope thats okay!) -Frisk

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"Look, look- they have a whole section on rocks! Kinda basic selection but it's still rocks!"

You never thought you'd be able to learn so much about rocks in one day, but it seemed like Venture had made it their personal mission to force as much information into your brain as possible. You didn't mind, really! It was always nice listening to them rant about all the cool stuff they found while walking around the museum you'd planned to bring them to, but it was a lot to take in at once.

"Augh, I love sedimentary rocks- they're my favorite! 'cuz sometimes they have like, little fossils in them and I'm like, "Woah! A cool thing in another cool thing!" and it's awesome! One time I found a trilobite fossil in a rock, it was so cool! I wonder if they have any here- that'd be so amazing! I wonder what they taste like-"

After spilling every single fact they could think of about the rocks on display, Venture drags you to a section of the museum dedicated to Egyptian history, though they mostly just seemed interested in the architecture of the pyramids. You really did try to listen, but you mostly just caught the gist of their long, long, long explanations- something about a Mastaba being like a sort of prototype to pyramids? You were just happy to see them so excited, even if you didn't quite understand what they were so hyped about.

"Oh, if only that British lady could go back to ancient Egypt and get the architects of their time to answer my questions! I'd give anything to be able to do that!" Sensing the slight disappointment creeping up on them, you decide to try and bring Venture elsewhere, not wanting them to spend any energy on being upset by what they can't do.

"Why don't we go look at the dinosaur fossils? I'm sure there's some mistakes in the descriptions that you can correct!" You take their hand, gently pulling them away from the long essay-like description of images of the pyramids that they were reading. Incising them with promises of being able to show off their intensive knowledge of dinosaur fossils, or fossils in general.

Venture perked up almost immediately, following behind you as they ready themselves to go on and on about their favorite dinosaur ever, the Deinocheirus! You tried to ask why it was their favorite ones, and all they said was something about it being "them fr fr" and having rocks in its stomach. You weren't too keen on questioning that one.

They take a large step so they're walking next to you, swinging your arms as you walk, "It's always been one of my biggest goals to find a dinosaur fossil! I really hope I do one day, if I did I could die happy!"

"Please don't die- I would be so sad if you died." You squeeze their hand, voice light as you joke with them.

"Aw but I wanna! I wanna be a fossil for future people like me to discover! When I do die I wanna be buried with a bunch of cool stuff! Maybe mess around with my bones a little, just to throw 'em off!" As you finally reach the fossil exhibits, they abandon you to run off and check over every. single. fossil. which while endearing, gave you a lot of running to do in an attempt to catch up.

"Finally! For once a museum that gets everything right! Well, everything as far as we know-" They stand next to one of the larger fossils, not anything you recognized as you take your place next to them, catching your breath.

"Wow, how impressive-" you wheeze, standing up straight and stretching out your legs as you link arms with Venture, trying to stop them from running off on you again.

They laugh, grabbing you by the shoulder and dragging you in the tightest hug you've ever received.

"Thank you, so, so, so much for planning this. And for listening to me talk about rocks so much, and for caring about me- and a million other things! I can't even remember everything you've done for me, but I know its a lot!" They let you go, still holding you by the shoulders, the biggest smile you've ever seen on a person splayed across their face.

"Of course-! I love spending time with you, you're well aware of that, silly." You laugh, grabbing their wrists and taking their hands off your shoulders, holding their hands as you admire the glow of excitement on their face.

"Welllll since you clearly don't mind, can we go to this other museum I found online next week?! I heard they have an area where you get to watch an hour long video on the story of Julius Caesar!"

[bluegalaxygirl]

caring for you

plot: Headcannons for how they would care for you before a procedure/surgery.

Characters: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, Chopper, Usopp, Nami, Robin, Franky, Brook and Jinbe.

So in two days im going in to hospital for a procedure and im starting to get nervous so i thought why not do this headcannon. I thought id try Law for the first time since i adore him. There will be platonic and romantic parts so you can read what ever section you like. Theres only three people im not doing lovers for and thats Chopper, Brook and Jinbe. hope you enjoy. I'll try and post after i get back but it may be a while. im planning on doing a series of this though. Reader is GN.

Warning: fluff, bad language.

PROLOGUE

^ The surgery/procedure will be taking place in a few days, Chopper and Law will be doing it and even though your trust them you cant help but be worried. you managed to keep it hidden but now that its only two days away the knot in your stomach has tightened some much you can hardly breath.

^Your friends have taken notice and want to help calm you down. The fact that your not eating or sleeping well has them worried for you.

LUFFY

^ His goal is to make you laugh and smile, silly faces, jokes, showing you cool things. he wants all his friends to be happy and healthy and knowing you weren't healthy meant he had to make you even more happy

^ The first thing he noticed was you not eating enough, it confused him and wondered if it was the food at first. he didn't take food off your plate anymore instead pushing some of his food onto your plate wondering if you would eat it.

^ you were too distracted by his actions to notice, it made you more nervous seeing the extra food on your plate. This continued for a while until asked why you weren't eating, it came out of no where but you explained. you had to be very clear otherwise he wouldn't understand. He told you about what he'ed been doing and it made you laugh, the smile on your face sparking a smile to for on his. he didn't do it again when you asked him to stop but at least he made you laugh.

^ Will run up to you and hug you, he used to slam into you but with Nami stopping him more often now he manages to catch himself and stop just before he hits you, then hugging you lightly. He trust Chopper and Traffy to look after you and tells you that all the time "You have the worlds best doctor looking after you and traffy" if he says it in front of everyone chopper goes all happy about it while Law yells at him "Im a doctor two you know"

^On the day he doesn't realize your leaving for a little while until your about to go, he gives you a hug and tells you come back and that the crew wont be the same without you.

Lovers:

^ Will give you his hat to where if your feeling really upset and sit on the head of the sunny with you one arm around your shoulder the other on your leg.

^ will take baths with you when you want too soaking in the warm water with him, he'll wash your back and lightly touch the place that is making you ill or in pain. "Does it hurt?" he asks but you shake your head turning to hug him "No, you make the pain go away" He cant help but smile and laugh at this, he's so happy he makes your pain go away.

^ He's a loud sleeper and sometimes hard to wake up but if you get up in the middle of the night he will shoot away feeling you no longer next to him "Midnight snack?" he asks always, he hopes its a yes so you'll eat something and he can join you.

ZORO

^ You tend to train with him and he pushes you to your limits but once he found out you needed surgery/procedure all that stopped, no more weight lifting no more push ups or sit up, no bench presses no matter how much you ask to train with him.

^ It annoyed you to no end, did he think you were weak or not worthy of you time, you both argued about it often soon reaching its boiling point. The crew noticed the tension between you two, Nami, Sanji and usopp telling him multiple times to calm down.

^ "Im worried about you ok?" Zoro snaps, realizing what he said he takes a step back. "You dont think im weak?" you ask and he nods "Of cause not". you two make up form there and he agrees to help you train but only small things, again no heavy stuff things that will hurt you.

^ Most of the time its just you helping him with his training. Sitting on his back when he does push up and things like that. you both dont talk much during this time but its normal, it makes you feel normal.

Lovers:

^ He sleeps alot and when he naps you have to nap. even if your not tired you need to sleep. he will drag you form what ever your doing either to sit on his lap and snooze or go to your bedroom where he would spoon you. "You, me, Nap, now" is all he will say to you.

^ He's always been protective but the part of your body thats getting worked on is 100% more protected than the rest of you. some one comes to close to it and they go flying, doesn't matter if its a crew member or not but he will let chopper touch there because he is a doctor after all.

^ HAS had a fight with Law over the surgery/procedure, the fight had to be stopped by multiple member of each crew. you had to calm him down and tell him everything is going to be ok. he just wanted you safe and healthy, you could see that and loved him for that.

^ The day you have to go he doesn't leave your side, he carries you to his morning work out not letting you raise a finger to help just wants you to sit there and watch while he shows off. its a great distraction but when its time to go he gives you a long kiss telling you he'll see you when you get back.

SANJI

^ Your not eating right and that a big No No for him. you need to keep your strength up, He made foods that were easy on the stomach and that contained a good amount of calories while also being small.

^ He didn't force you to finish your plate even when there wasn't much on it to begin with and tries to give you snacks more often threw out the day. Any drink he gave you had some kind of fruit chunks in it.

^ Because of this you felt like you could confide in him about how you were feeling. you told him how you felt sick all the time and every time you looked at food it made it worse. You love his food and want to eat it but your to nervous to eat. "Theres no need to worry im sure theres something we can get you to eat, even if its liquefied" sanji says with a pat on your head

^ You two have a long talk about what you would like to eat and how much, he suggests things like ginger, crackers and cheese and apples since those help settle a upset stomach. The advice he give helps make you feel better managing to eat a little bit more than normal.

^ Chopper will come and talk to him about foods you should be eating and what to avoid, of cause he knows all this but is happy to have chopper tell him again, he's secretly scared that he might have missed something off the list.

^Hours before your procedure/surgery your not aloud to eat or drink so he keeps food away form you as much as possible, he doesn't want you to see hungry at seeing the food he give everyone else

Lovers:

^ Expect lots of love and praise. This man will be on his knees telling you how amazing, strong and brave you are even when you feel like dieing inside. He will touch the part of you that's going to get worked on and tell you that no matter what even if it leaves a scar he will still love you.

^ "My love, you'll be just fine its normal to be nervous, im here for you." His hands cupping your cheeks making you look up at him. "Thank you Sanji... I'll be fine, i have you looking after me" those words shoot a spark through his heart, he loves you so much it hurts.

^ Will get up in the middle of the night if you cant sleep, you dont want him to stay up with you other wise he'll be up all night but that doesn't stop him, he will hold you close to him and place soft light kisses on your cheek whispering sweet things to help you sleep

^ Will NOT smoke around you, if you come near him while he's smoking its out immediately. I don't know much about whats going to happen but he knows you system needs to be clear of any medication or substances that includes second had smoke.

LAW

^ He didn't notice your nerves until he found you in choppers office asking all kinds of questions. You had been hiding it well and he thought the straw hat crew were just overreacting but he pieced it all togeather in that moment, you didn't eat much, you fell asleep during the day and you never spent a moment by yourself.

^ He did the only thing he could think off, chopper talking to you helped but you were still not eating right or sleeping so he asked if you wanted to see his ship. it was strange to you but agreed since law had a small smile on his face as he asked.

^He walked you threw the sub stopping at one and opening the door for you. he took you to see the operating room. "I thought seeing the place would make it less... scary" he hesitated not liking the word chose but it was better than any other in his head.

^ He like chopper talked you threw what would happen, showing you some of the less scary tools he would be using. it was scary at first but seeing everyone up close and knowing that it wasn't going to touch you now made you feel better, you had time to think and adjust.

^ If you up late you can always go to law he's most likely up in his office studying something. you can drink tea with him and sit in silence. Law will sometimes ask Bepo to come in and comfort you knowing the big white bear will hug you and talk with you.

^ The day of the surgery/procedure he gets everything ready with choppers help. some of his crew are there to help. he always had his stuff on when you enter the room chopper leading the way. he asks how you are but other than that he's mainly focused on his job.

Lovers:

^ As he would explain things he would touch you. using his fingers to show where and what would happen. it was a weird sensation and you couldn't take your eyes off him.

^ Unfortunately he was in his own little world explaining things to you that he didn't notice you had started silently crying. everything up to this point had been building up, you didn't want to be alone and yet you needed to be alone in order to get your fear and tears out. This moment seemed like the only calm one you've had in a while.

^ You hugged him out of no where setting him back but he noticed the tears you were shedding. This poor man had no idea what to do, he made you cry and he didn't even realize you were upset. "Im so scared. why am i scared? i shouldn't be, i trust you but..." he stops you form saying more with a kiss, it was sweet but also a little rough "Its natural. I'll do everything i can to make you better. just name it" He asks pulling away form you lips.

^This beautiful man will do anything for you as long as it doesn't interfere with the surgery/procedure. He will lay with you in bed if you want him, he will get you food or water when you need it, he will hold you close to him while he studies. what ever it takes to make you feel loved.

CHOPPER

^ You trust chopper but the unknown scares you so thats what he wants to help with. you two will sit in his office going over what will happen before, during and after. he answers all your questions and will explain anything you dont understand.

^ He tries not to use too many medical words but if he does he explains them. He knows the others are helping you in different areas but he wants to help with that too. he cant give you any meds to help you relax. you cant have any meds in your system before hand except the ones he gives you on the day.

^ When he sees you nervous he'll take off his hat and place your hand on his head with a smile. "touching something warm and fluffy can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine, in other words it makes people happy and relaxed. so if you need too you can touch my fur" You can't help but love this boy, so sweet and smart.

^ When ever you thank him and call him doctor he goes all shy and calls you names but with a big smile on his face. you end up doing this deliberately since it makes you smile. he's so cute waving his arms around.

^ Chopper of cause worries about your food intake and sleeping pattern. He makes sure to have a talk with Sanji about food and whats best for you even though he knows that Sanji has it covered and knows way more about food than he does. As for sleep, he will sometimes sneak into your room to check on you. if your awake he will crawl into bed with you telling you that sleep is important. he cuddles with you mainly falling asleep way before you but he brings you comfort.

^ The day of the surgery/procedure he's helping law get everything ready before walking with you to the operating room. he takes your hand with a smile telling you your in good hands and theres nothing to worry about. "Don't worry, i'll be there the whole time"

USOPP

^ He doesn't know what to do. when his mum was sick he used to make jokes and tell stories, he did the same with Kaya but neither of them responded the way you did. The jokes he made caused you anxiety to boil over.

^ You tried to hid it form him knowing he was only trying to help but you would brake down when you were alone. Usopp found you though and tried to comfort him. when he realized it was him that upset you he apologized over and over again. You didn't want him to be sorry, he was only trying to help.

^ When ever you needed a shoulder to cry on Usopp was your man and his stories, although full of lies, would cheer you up, they were silly and full of life, it distracted you form what was going to come and he made sure to make then bigger and better each time.

^ He worries about you not eating and almost treats you like a child, its not amusing and no matter how hard you stare daggers at him he doesn't let up, its normally Nami or Zoro who end up hitting him over the head

^ "Choo Choo, here comes the train Y/N" He smiles the spoon full of food gliding it over to you only to be hit on the head "Will you knock it off" Nami yells making you laugh at poor usopp on the floor.

Lovers:

^ He will make wooden flowers for you, all your favorite kind made out of different types of wood, giving you one each day, treating you like a princess.

^ Sleeping next to him at night is strange though, you'll just lay there wide away unable to sleep as he drools on your shoulder fast asleep. You never realized before that he talks in his sleep. your boring night's turn into entertaining nights.

^ "Yay..... beat that dragon Y/N..... No luffy we cant eat it.... ok maybe we can" You try to hold your laughs in, he thinks highly of you and has so many funny dreams. you wont tell him about it though not wanting to spoil your little secret.

^ On the day you have to go he gives you one last wooden flower, its one he's been making form the start, its not too big but its perfect, no sharp edges, perfectly smooth, perfectly shaped petals leaves and stem. He hugs you telling you good luck before you leave.

NAMI

^ The best person to go to in this situation. she knows how to relax, a warm bath, face masks, hot stones, you name it she has the stuff for it and will happily help you relax.

^ She will get little bags of lavender for you, the smell clams you and you can keep it on you at all times. After dinner is when she suggests hot towels, face masks and cucumber over the eyes. "Time for a spar day, get ready to relax" she cheers handing you the stuff you need.

^ You two will sit on her bad listening to the sound of ocean hot stones on your back relaxing your muscles and calming your mind. You both dont talk just basking in the silence and the feeling of the heat. Sometimes Robin will join you two the three of you relaxing when ever you can. she always seems to find new ways to relax and shares it with you as long as your ok with it.

^ She's very worried about your eating but wont show it, she knows sanji can take care of it but the only problem is usopp. every time he tries to feed you she hits him, your not a child and putting focus on you to eat may make things worse.

^ When its time for you to go she will hug you with a big smile saying you'll be just fine and when you get back she'll paint your nails (it doesn't matter if your a boy she will still do it).

Lovers:

^ She can be clueless when it comes to knowing how to deal with you in this situation. your her lover and you two get along great, you always there for her and now she needs to be there for you. other than the relaxation she doesn't know what else to do.

^ She over thinks things sometimes doing too much but you know she loves you and just wants you to feel safe. Its you that has to reassure her.

^"I'm supposed to be the one helping you not the other way around. Gods i cant do anything right" she cry's something she hates doing but this vulnerable side of her shows you how much she cares for you. "Nami... you caring is the only thing i need" you say before kissing her.

^ She has trouble sleeping just like you do, she'll stay up with you and talk about anything and everything. she also try to make you fall asleep by shoving your head back down onto the pillow and whispering to you. she remembers what her mum used to say and repeats those things, it surprisingly works, the calmness in her voice and the feeling of her next to you gives you so much comfort.

ROBIN

^ You can talk to her about anything even if they are incoherent fears and worries, she holds no judgment and doesn't push them away, instead understanding and helping you threw it. she validates your feelings but gives you logic to counteract those feelings. "Its completely normal to feel this but just remember, its very unlikely for that to happen and you have the two best doctors looking after you"

^ She knows what herbal teas will be good for anxiety and helps Sanji make the tea for you, she'll drink it with you as you talk about things. she knows exactly what to say but she also doesn't sugar coat things, she wont lie to save your feelings but thats a good thing, you need someone to be straight with you.

^ She will try and help you relax joining Nami in self care, she'll rub your shoulders and back sometimes using her devil fruit powers to massage your legs as well, unsurprisingly she is very good with her hands and knows all the best places to rub.

^ She will sun bath with you and Nami on the ship now and again readjusting the umbrella with her devil fruit powers to keep the sun off you if you've been out there a while. You sometimes get so relaxed that you fall asleep, Robin making sure the sun doesn't burn your skin while you rest.

Lovers:

^ She will read to you when you cant sleep, this woman is a god sent, her calm demeanor and voice helps sooth you making you more tired than before. her soft book reads her book out in almost a whispers. Sometimes she gets so lost in the book that she doesn't even notice you've fallen asleep.

^ Once she realises your asleep she'll kiss your forehead and lay down next to you taking your hand in hers "Good night my darling, i love you" she whispers before falling asleep.

^ She will hold you hand when ever she sees you nervous, the touch relaxing you a little knowing she is there for you. She wont leave your side all that much wanting to be there in case you have a panic attack or feel ill.

^ When you have to go she will give you one of her favorite books and tells you to read it after its all over and she'll see you as soon as she can, flashing you her beautiful smile and kissing your cheek.

FRANKY

^ He is your hype man, always cheering you on. he'll show off new things he's working on or has made weather big or small most of the time trying to get you involved. he hopes it will take you mind off things.

^ He knows what its like to go threw a surgery/procedure, he's had many, many done in the past. he wont give advice on it though, his situation is different to yours and knows that Chopper and Law can deal with anything like that.

^ The only thing he will tell you is funny stories of things he did and said while coming out of the anesthesia, it always made you laugh but you did worry about what you would say or do in that situation. "I woke up and screamed IV TRAVAILED INTO THE FUTURE, IM A TIME LORD"

^ He assures you that no matter what you say or do no one will care, he on the other hand will 100% remind you of what you said after words but wont tell you that.

Lovers:

^ he will offer you his cola when ever you look thirsty, even if its his last one, he wants you to have it, he'll sit with you at dinner and most of the time not finish his plate. he thinks that by leaving food on his plate it will make you feel better about the fact you cant eat much and sometimes it works other times it doesn't, its a hit or miss situation.

^ You always lay on top of him when you sleep, he doesn't want to roll over and crush you but its also perfect. you listen to his heart beat, his calm and sleepy state keeps you relaxed. when you really cant sleep you can always wake him up, he wont mind and will stay up with you a little longer kissing you and telling you how cool and super you are.

^ the day you gave to go he does cry "Oh baby your SUPER amazing. So Brave to take this on" he yells as he sits in his knees looking at you. it makes you laugh but also filled with love. you feel more confident about it all now.

BROOK

^ Expect an extensive amount of Bone jokes, even if its not going to be a surgery/Procedure on your bones, he's still going to make jokes to see you laugh.

^" Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?" Brook will just randomly appear beside you telling a joke "The hip consultant." He laughs even if you groan at him for bad jokes but at least the thought is there. his goal is to make your ribs hurt with laughter even when he's told off by a member of the crew.

^ "Why was the skeleton laughing??? because he hit his funny bone" he laughs not even looking at your unamused face "Brook that was the worst one yet" Brook bends down to you with lifeless eyes "We'll than i guess i'll have to try another, this one is a real RIB tickler" you couldn't help but groan.

^ If he finds you up at night he will sit with you and play his violin, keeping it calm and soothing. it makes you sleepy and if you do fall asleep he wont stop, he'll keep playing until he falls asleep. The music soothing the two of you.

^ A few hours before you have to go he will ask if you want to listen to a song to help calm you down. your nerves are really starting to show and of cause you take him up on the offer hoping to clam you down. Again the song is calming and soothing helping you to relax.

JINBE

^ He can sense your nerves and knows its not an easy thing to go threw so he does what he does best and thats teach. He teaches you how to relax yourself, some breathing techniques and meditation. If you breathing is off at anytime he will help you telling you to "Breath in for 5 and out for 5, imagine a square follow the lines as you breath in and out" its surprising how much that helped

^ He'll sit with you if he finds you doing it on your own, no words spoken just two friends sitting beside each other, His calmness seems to make you ten times more calm.

^ He will also teach you a bit of fish man Yoga, you didn't even know it was a thing ans was surprised by how easy it was, it didn't put any strain on your body but also helped relax your muscles, the fluid movement keeping your breathing deep and steady.

^ A few hours before you have to go he sits with you to do another calming exercise and tells you again how to breath and relax. he tells you there is nothing to be afraid of and that your in the best hands possible. "You''ll be just fine, your in capable hand."

[theambitiouswoman]

How to have unshakeable beliefs towards our goals?

How to stay strong (emotionally) and fight against all the odds thats coming towards us?

To fight and still standing on our goals..what I meant is sometimes one or the other situations literally puts us down and we become mess

It is more about having a belief in our self first. If we believe in ourselves, then it will inspire the qualities, actions and mindset that it will take to achieve in our goals. You have to want it, so much so that your commitment for your goals rise above anything else. But none of that is going to happen until you believe in you and your commitment to making it happen. Because WHY NOT?

Everything in life are a test. People need to look at emotions for what they are, instead of living their lives and making decisions, based on them. Everyone deals with challenges. Everyone has problems. Everyone has bad days. None of these things should be used as an excuse. Feel your feelings, but do not make a home out of them. A lot of people want things, but very few are committed. The ones that are committed are the ones who get it.

How do deal with and overcome challenges determine how bad you want it. Even more so, challenges build your character. Challenges teach you skills you would not have if not without them.

It is much easier for people to put effort into things that they see than things that they can not see. That is why you have to believe it before you see it.

The path to achieving your goals is going to be littered with failures and distractions. It is going to introduce you to alternatives, that you may want to settle for. It is going to test your mind, test your desires, test your plans etc. There are not failures, there are only lessons. The only way to fail is if you stop. If you give up. Unless your life ended tomorrow, then you can try again. That is something you need to reprogram your train of thought on. The other is, that you are on no ones timelines but your own. Once you change the narrative with yourself, and take the pressure off that you are conditioned to think, you can free your mind from those emotional thoughts and focus on the qualities that will help you get there. Finally, its the understanding that new things in your life will require not only new habits and actions from you, but new environments as well. Ones that align with your goals.

[yeppeudau]

Chapter thirty-one: our couple aregyu 🩵🧡

banner by: @/seungstarss

⎙ synopsis: In which you and Soobin have a crush on the others bff, who which coincidentally, are dating. So you do what any other people with a common goal would, and try to break them up. Except it doesn't go exactly as planned...

⎙ word count: 1.5k (+1 photo at the end)

⎙ warnings: none I don't think?? povs fck me up !!

♡a/n: hi guys🧍‍♀️(i have posted this and edited it like 5 times I'm a mess its been so long)

As soon as class ends Soobin makes his way out to his locker, quickly grabbing his sweater and putting his books away before heading out of the building.

If he was being honest he was some what excited? To go and spend some time with his friends again (as well as the fact he would love some free money to spend on games). It had been some time since he had hung out with Heeseung and Jeongin, let alone Beomgyu. As they've both been preoccupied with other things.

One being the painful sight of having to see his best friend, and his crush eating each other's faces in the hallway. And maybe that was a little dramatic but still! It was something that would definitely be ingrained into his head no matter how much he wanted to forget it.

More over, he had to see you. Which, he was more than open to admit his distaste towards being in your presence, and you the same.

After the little argument the two of you had he's been in a worse mood then he would like to admit. You were just so pushy with EVERYTHING and he couldn't stand it. Boundaries? He was pretty sure you didn't know what those were. It was annoying him to say the least, but fortunately he needn't say anything when Beomgyu knew him like the back of his hand. He immediately sensed something was wrong and asked Soobin to come hangout.

He was happy to have a best friend who knew him so well, which also made him feel worse for even bothering with you in the first place. All this just to "not" break them up but "break them up" he was pretty sure even you were confused.

He felt a little guilty for agreeing to go along with your idea, but in its own way he's hoping all this would help him get over the bubbly student council president, thats what he's hoping at least.

Reaching the gates of the school he immediately noticed his friends, loud and running around like children. 'Why are they like this? ' Soobin thought to himself waiting for them to calm down and finally notice his presence. Thankfully that didn't take long as they greeted him happily patting his back.

Maybe this is exactly what he needed.

Y/N POV

You were ecstatic to say the least. You've finally gotten a chance to hangout with your dearest best friend again. Areum has always been a busy person but she has also always made time for you. Sometimes maybe a little too late but you could never hold it against her.

Walking into the store you were absolutely elated. You weren't a big fan of reading honestly, a wall of text really wasn't your go to, but stylized drawings along with smaller walls of text? Sign you up! The smell of books, the stationary you thought was too cute to use but would buy anyway, the merch of your favorite media, made you love this place.

Areum on the other hand was a big fan of those walls of texts. She actually didn't quite understand why you preferred comics and manga over a good book but she listened wholeheartedly whenever you talked about them. She was a great friend, more than you could say about yourself at the moment. But that was something you for you to push in the way back of your mind once again. 'Future me can deal with consequences right? ' and 'Enjoy the moment let's not go feeling guilty ' were all you said to yourself.

The two of you walked around the store together eventually picking out these cute sanrio matching keychains for each other.

"Areum I'm going to look at the manga 'kay?" you announced, to which she nodded and you walked off.

"today's going to be a good day I'm sure of it!" you assure yourself with a hearty pep in your step.

well, when do things ever go as planned?

SOOBIN POV/MIXED

"Choi Soobin?" Soobin freezes at the the call of his name. That voice was all too familiar and not in a good way.

Turning from his original position slightly, he slowly cranks his neck up to meet the person who assumingly called him. Eyes trailing up suspiciously only to be met with none other than you. Arms crossed, foot tapping, with that ugly look of annoyance you always wore on your face looking down on him.

"Why are you here?!" you whisper yelled at him, causing him to roll his eyes in return.

What? could he not be in a perfectly public place when you're around now? He already has to at school, one more place wouldn't kill you, unfortunately. Soobin scoffs at your question, getting up from his position on the floor to stand in front of you mimicking your expression and stance as he raises his eye brow at you "It's a public book store, and I like books-" he motions to the wall of manga behind him before pursing his lips at using the word 'books' "-manga." he corrects.

You glare at him for a moment and he swears he's never wanted someone away from him more in his life. A 10 foot pole wouldn't even be enough distance between the two of you. He didn't need your nonsensical bickering today, or anyday preferably for that matter.

He was supposed to be enjoying himself with his friends trying to win a cheap reward for a cafe he barely even gets to go to anymore, he is not supposed to be agitated and talking to you.

Just as he's about to turn back around, clearly opting to ignore you, you grab his arm much to his surpise and discomfort. "Are you here with Gyu?" you suddenly ask.

'Of course that's what she would ask ' he thinks to himself, and for a moment he contemplates lying to you, because well, why should he tell you? But as if you read his mid (which is something he never thought was possible) you open your mouth again.

"Listen before you say anything I'm here with Areum thats why I'm asking" you state throwing a thump over you shoulder in the direction of the shorter who was currently flipping through a book.

As he looked in her direction an expression of "She looks so cute" was practically written all over his face.

You roll your eyes.

Coincidentally at that moment she must have felt someone staring as she turns to peak over her shoulder only to meet eyes with Soobin. Her brows shoot up in a pleasant surprise before going back to normal, she smiles brightly sending him a wave.

Soobin feels his heart beat quicken for a moment at the small gesture before slowly waving back dumbly. Only looking back in your direction when you let out a particularly noisy groan.

"Great, she's probably coming over here now. Is he here or not?"

"Uh, yeah he's at the game shop next door. I didn't want anything so I came here.." Soobin trails off still staring at the girl who is now, in fact walking over to the two of you. Hes not sure if he should be happy about this or still annoyed with the fact he had ran into you in the first place. Unfortunately you don't give him enough time to weigh the pros and cons of it before you harshly step (more like stomp) on his foot.

"Ow!" Soobin winces quickly kneeling down to hold his foot, maybe he really didn't have to think about the pros and cons.

"Leave before Beomgyu comes in here and looks for you, would'ya?"

"Why should I when you just assaulted me??" he snaps.

"Because I'm sure you also don't want to spend your day out with our lovely couple, now do you?" you argue back crossing your arms over your chest like some know-it-all.

But at that he silences, you were right, unfortunately, but you were right. And as much as he tells himself he would be okay with just being in her presence, recently that hasn't really been the case.

Maybe its been like that for a while now and he's just refused to acknowledge it, but either way it's not the time to be dwelling on it. He doesn't have the chance to anyway as Areum had reached them.

"Hey, Soobin! I didn't know you'd be here" Areum says with a tilt of her head as she smiles him.

That smile will be the death of him he swears. So much so he fails to give her a reply other than just blinking slowly at her.

But that doesn't seem to phase her as she speaks again "If you're here by yourself do you want to join us?" she asks, probably out of courtesy. But if it was any other day he'd be saying yes.

A simple "uh" is all he manages to let out before you take it upon yourself to speak for him.

"He can't! He was actually just leaving right Soobin??" you question through gritted teeth.

"Ah... yeah actually, I remembered I have something to do, sorry.." he mumbles scratching the back of his neck.

"Oh no, its okay! I just thought I'd ask. Have fun doing what you have to!"

"Yeah thanks.." Soobin says bye to Areum and sends you a glare before leaving the two of you.

"C'mon y/n ready to check out?"

"Huh? Yeah let me just grab this last thing."

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[changbinsboobs]

I only had like 3 dreams of idols so its cool if someone else gets to have further dreams of them and often I wonder if it reflect the idols day to day emotions / situations or if they just trying to reach out to someone?

do u think we have to do tarot on idols to gain that connection to them in order to dream of them more frequently? not that id care or not just would be cool or different at the very least. my dream was specially abt chan and felix it was like in another world / realm and they had some type of super power or like they saw themselves as being heros. i dont know if that reflected in how they view themselves wanting to protect their fans but i dont overwatch them and i dont even think abt the members that much? skz are more like a casual interest i have once in awhile

can u then do a reading on what skz dream about themselves? i dont think anyones asked that to a tarot reader before but they too must have some crazy dreams

Finally i got to answer this one, it took a while im sry😅

So i don't think ones dreams about idols affect them in any way except if you habe a significant connection to them, which i doubt. Like i think if for examples han's mom were to often have vivid dreams about him, it would really be connected to him in some way, but even then, not in the way where he feels it, but rather his moms dreams for example tell her how her son is doing etc. yk

And i also don't think doing tarot has a significant role in how often you dream of people/ idols and who you dream about. I do readings on idols every day for idk like a month already - and i haven't had a single dream with anyone during that time. In fact i haven't had dreams with them for a very long while.

And so here is the long awaited reading for their dreams:) i used the 3rd Eye Tarot (tbh i think i should stop announcing it in every reading, ya'll already know i use it for all my readings, except spicy ones.

*Please take the reading with a grain of salt, its for entertainment purposes only!

Enjoy💗

What do Skz dream about? (when they sleep)

Chan - Ace of Wands, 2 of Wands

For him im seeing he just dreams about his goals and him getting there. I think his subconscious is so preoccupied with proving himself constantly that his subconscious mind projects it into his dreams. Or he gets pulled into parallel realities and experiences another chan's waking life in just working, planing and running towards his goals.

Lee Know - The World, 3 of Cups, Knight of Swords

Not surprised with his reading I've already mentioned that i've been seeing him the most in dreams in the past and that he seemed very aware and like ugh idk like real? Lucid? Idk how to describe it just in a few words but thats the same if been getting from the cards. He seems very active in his dreams. Very aware while dreaming. I believe he travels different universes and worlds, different domains. I think he likes to explore the astral realm and would say has really a gift for that! I think he also has great control over that dimension and can at will take or remove himself to/from different dreams and spaces. And i think he has met lots of people, entities, energies etc along the way and would say has made quite some friends.

Changbin - The Sun, Death, Queen of Cups, 2 of Pentacles

Why do i even bother to lay cards for him at this point?🥲 its almost the same each reading.🫠 So in his dreams he is unaware i would say - like he doesnt really remember what he dreamt about when he wakes up, or he can just remember a vague theme or feeling, or some incoherent scenes and all of that doesn't make sense to him, but it also does, yk that feeling. I think he has that. And i think the reason for that is cuz his higher self takes over and works hard in his dreams to pick his subconscious minds, to heal him, to implement seeds and truths, sometimes through dreams (when he has ones he remembers and or understands). I also think that if he has a dream he remembers theres always a message in there for him. He receives guidance through his dreams. And what all that hustling is about? U guessed it😂 - to find his wife👰🏻‍♀️🤰🏻 i think his higher self might be "searching" for her and working behind the scenes to bring them two together.

Hyunjin - The Empress, King of Cups

His dreams are very creative usually. And are more a fruit of his own subconscious mind, rather than astral travel etc. Just like Chan. I think he has lots of overflowing creativity he just can't pour all out in one day, so it gets used up in his dreams at the end of the day to like - bring balance in his being. I think he has wild and crazy and very rich and interesting dreams. I would love to take a peak.🥰 And i think he actually can remember lots of them with lots of detail as well. If you were to ask him about it he would wipe out a journal and start reading them to you like a short-story. Oh yeah and i think he might journal his dreams from time to time. Maybe not everything, but what he deems as important whenever he remembers. He thinks there could be lots of wisdom in them and if he ever gets in a rut or gets bored he wipes that journal out again and reads it to get some inspiration and ideas back. Thats what im getting for him.

Han - 9 of Cups, The Magician

I can't quite pick up if his dreams are more astral or subconscious but i definitely pick up on peace and release and fun and excitement. I would say it could be a mix of both. Like some dreams he has are subconscious and he releases lots of build up stress, emotions etc from them. Others are astral and he goes out (nit too far out tho) and just enjoys the funs an astral body and a world not bound by the laws of physics offers. I think he does fun stuff like learning how to fly. Going on a quest to find interesting animals (that don't exist on earth), visiting a neighbor galaxy/planet/universe whatever, talking with the local entities/spirits and whatever😂 and just overall having fun. Yk whats very fitting for him - i actually see him as a ghibli character having a whimsical adventure whenever he goes to sleep☺️love that for him. Just overall very lighthearted fun and pleasant energy. I think he loves sleeping😂 even if he can't remember when he wakes up, his brain does and his body does as well. Oh also i think he might be developing some skills in his dreams that he is using in the real world. Or like finding knowledge within his dreams that he can use in the real world to further improve his skills.

Felix - The Star, Knight of Cups

Also very nice energy! I think he dreams quite a lot about his crushes when he's having subconscious dreams. On the other side when his dreams are aware its not him but rather his higher self thats operating in that realm. I can't quite pick out what he does for sure but i think it has to do with some sort of socializing. For example going to other galaxies etc to visit friends from past lives or beyond life on earth or whatever. I think he also enjoys meeting new "people". Overall very cute, well balanced energy.

Seungmin - The Fool

He just rests😂 thats it. Thats the reading! If he dreams, its "meaningless" processing of the day and like anything thats not needed gets cleaned out and he's just getting a restart and rest for the new day.

I.N - Knight of Wands

I think his dreams are quite action packed. I think he's constantly on an adventure and is dreaming very much! Like dreaming every night, and every night being jam packed, yk those dreams where you sleep for 8h, but you've spent 2 months in your dream. I think he has those kind of dreams. Very realistic, very heartrace-inducing(?). I think he also remembers them pretty well, at least while he's freshly awakened. Idk about remembering them later on. Maybe not if he didn't care about the dream, but also maybe yes if he thought that dream was special or interesting or something grabbed his attention.

[raideo]

Bruh ...... let me tell you, I actually started paying attention to my nutrition intake and I was not eating as healthy as I thought I was like goddamn...

I mean the things I was eating WERE healthy but like, the pacing/frequency of food intake, ratio of macronutrients and micronutrients were completely and utterly fucked six ways from Sunday, I had no idea my diet was so screwed up and thats why I felt like I was DYING ALL THE TIME!!!!!! BECAUSE I KINDA FUCKIN WAS, LMAO!!!!!

I feel like a whole different person this is the best thing ive ever done for myself omg

If you feel like shit all the time please consider getting a nutrition tracking app and DONT!!! DO IT FOR WEIGHT LOSS!!! THAT SHOULD NOT BE YOUR GOAL UNLESS YOU NEED TO FOR HEALTH REASONS, Just do it with the goal of trying to get the macro/micronutrients you should be getting and oh my god it will make such a difference if your diet is unbalanced I promise you.

I was not getting nearly enough protein or fiber before omfg. No wonder i could exercise as much as i wanted and i never seemed to get stronger and i always fucking hurt all the time! Jesus christ!!! 🤦‍♂️ i feel so stupid but also I cannot be the only one who struggles with this PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BALANCE YALLS DIETS

Also extra note about the fiber- if you get very little you should not go straight to getting the full recommended amount you will have a BAD TIME. Im glad I knew about this already and did not have to learn it the hard way. You gotta give your body days or sometimes weeks to adjust to increasing it, because gut bacteria is responsible for helping you digest that stuff and if you don't have enough they cannot handle a large amount- you gotta give them time to multiply 👍 (i cant believe my fish tank cycling knowledge applies to my own human body this shit is wild)

Anyway nutritional education in this country is fucked so bad, overhauling my diet has only made me more angry that shit is so expensive and school/workplace culture is so hostile to you snacking often like you should be. How the fuck is a person supposed to get the nutrients they're supposed to to fuel their body and brains when they're only allowed to eat once like every 6-10 hours?! Im so glad my job doesn't have an issue with me constantly snacking on stuff because it's extremely physical and I have come to realize it's quite literally imperative to my body's optimal function that I have that.

🪓 capitalism die

[coldresolve]

A huge part of the whump being torture apologia discussion comes from the fact that people exoticize torture. It's foreign. It's something you see in spy movies and read about in thrillers. It's a pain that most people can safely distance themselves from in order to experience emotional catharsis or simple enjoyment. The thing is, some people don't get to have that distance.

It's hard for me to describe the sheer grief that comes with it all. I know a man who was tortured in prison. People who faced abuse from family so severe that it amounted to torture. Someone whose torture was to watch their friends be deliberately hurt. I wish whump writers could learn to have compassion for these people as well, even if their lived experiences are not exceptionally common or openly spoken about.

If an author portrays domestic abuse in their writing, it's generally considered necessary and responsible for them to either write the abuse in a realistic way or to state outside their writing that their portrayal of this very real issue is unrealistic. This respects people's lived experiences with abuse and prevents creating a culture of normalizing and glorifying abusive behavior.

It's most definitely not too much to ask of whump writers to uphold those same standards when writing about torture.

you have no idea how nice it is to get someone well spoken and well thought out in my inbox every once in a while. uh im on like hr 30 of being awake and kinda struggling piecing my thoughts together right now, so forgive me if i dont make a lot of sense, but i wanna say sth

the tone of your ask for some reason really hit a nerve for me. like getting slapped in the face, kind of. i think its the fact you come across really compassionate and just. calm, thoughtful in this. kinda puts my approach into perspective lol

i think im just angry about this topic. like ive got a passion for wanting to get it right, but its driven by anger and frustration. having ppl nitpick the fuck out of everything i say instead of actually having the sorts of conversations that should be had about the topic. i know me being angry edgy tantrum controversial oh whats he gonna say now guy and all that, turns people away from listening to me but i dont know how else to approach it sometimes, i don't want to make excuses for people who i feel should know better. i dont have that kind of patience i guess, at least not right now

i think that anger is like a manifestation, symptom. im angry about the people this happens to, and how catastrophic it is. angry at the people who let it happen. the systems that are built around it. people don't see how systemic torture can be. im angry that the fucking war on terror media frenzy was so effective, because your average person still fucking believes in all the bullshit. or the idea of torture survivors being "broken" like its a personal failure, like its the result of their own shortcomings when they're some of the strongest people you can meet. just all these unfair ideas about it that are everywhere. and people still somehow find it necessary to keep spreading those ideas, even if they know theyre wrong. when it doesnt add anything of value, youre not saying anything about it, youre not actually adding something to the conversation by going along with the bullshit, youre literally just entertaining yourself

i dont know how to not be angry about it, i think. thats the growth goal for me i guess, cause i know this isnt the sorta thing thats gonna fix itself tomorrow. and i dunno your ask just made me think about that, like how i handle this on a personal level. and i think itd be healthy for me to step away from the discussion for a couple days at least and just. accept that i tried to reach people this round, maybe it didnt really work, thats fine, ill try again some other time. also i am writing all this very slowly cause my skull is kinda collapsing in on itself so to speak and maybe that has something to do with me being sorta hopelessly frustrated lmfao. apologies

[tf2shipswag]

ok so first and foremost i dont agree with ppl being mean and insulting you because thats not how you get people to listen to what you have to say so i am sorry about the prev ppl immediately going to attack you but im not going to sit here and minimize their anger because its not baseless and they are well within their right to feel that way. im coming here to try and at least offer my view as a lesbian, which i doubt will do anything but its worth a shot i guess.

i dont agree with the implication that 'bi/mspec lesbian' labels are not harmful when they are fundamentally lesbophobic, biphobic, and transphobic from the talking points ive seen, and hurt us. implying that lesbians can feel attraction to men is the same rhetoric homophobes push onto us in real life to try and imply our sexuality is a phase and can be cured. "you just need to give men a chance." yk things of that nature. im not going to dive deep into the biphohia of it because i do not live the experience of a bisexual and i dont want to talk over bisexuals but i think it speaks for itself when people are so adverse to the label. you must ask yourself why are you so afraid to identify as bisexual? lesbianism has always included nonbinary, trans, gnc, and intersex people. and if its 'too restrictive' then it does not apply to you. lesbians do not and will not ever be attracted to men, i know its hard to believe but yes! people who arent attracted to men exist! we exist! i feel people are so angry and emotionally charged is because we are tired. tired of facing lesbophobia from outside and within the community. sorry for the long ask i tried to keep it short and concise. all i can say is please listen to actual lesbians.

hi, thank you for not being an ass an providing an actual argument, i very much appreciate that /gen. there genuinely is a horrid amount of lesbophobia, biphobia, and transphobia within the community. i know that there are a lot of arguments that the mspec label contributes to such. i just cannot get over the fact we are having fights like this within a community that is actively being attacked so heavily as a whole, especially right now.

your argument's reminiscent of the idea that the pan label is biphobic. genuinely, some people just identify with one label more than another, and sometimes people feel best defined by a combination of labels. even if the difference between the definition of bi and pan is miniscule to you, it might be big enough of a difference to someone else for it to matter.

it's not about "fear" of identifying as a certain label, sometimes it just doesn't. feel. right. once again! i could identify with bi, pan, omni, whatever label! but it's just not me. this has been said before, but nothing about identity is simple. feeling like we need to separate each other all into our own little boxes is incredibly isolating. the point of having this community to begin with, is so we all know that we're not alone.

everyone's just trying to live their lives. you genuinely seem like you have good intentions and god, i KNOW that this argument's tiring, and i can't imagine what it's like to deal with all the other arguments targeted against lesbians in particular, and i won't act like i'll ever understand the struggle with lesbophobic arguments, since i'm not a lesbian.

but people outside of the community are taking advantage of this argument even existing in order to make life worse for us as a whole, regardless of whatever label you choose to use. whether you're bi, a lesbian, or a bi lesbian, doesn't matter to the people passing bills against our rights and healthcare and protection. any difference to them is equally wrong. i'd rather stand against that idea as a whole than go along with it to suit whatever i'm trying to convey.

i just don't want to cause people to struggle to be themselves and live their lives simultaneously. majority of us have that same goal. even if we don't agree with each other along the way, at the end of the day, we all just want to feel safe and happy.

[foxieflower]

2, 3, 4, 8, and 11 for the OTP asks for your boys? 😄

2. What would they do if the other woke in a manic state after a nightmare?

V: For Vanquish, if he witness Aywin having a nightmare or the man going into a manic state, he would immediately move to hold and console him. His first goal would be to try and ground his beloved, make sure he knows where he is and isn't in the realm of unreality any longer. Once he knows Aywin is fully with him, he just spends as much time as he can to calm and soothe Aywin. He has no magic so all he can offer is his warmth.

A: Aywin would definitely do what he can to calm Vanquish down, preferably without magic. However, there are definitely some AUs where I feel like Vanquish wakes up inconsolable sometimes due to whatever trauma he went thru in that AU, and that's when Aywin uses something like "calm emotions" or something like that on Vanquish. Otherwise, its some good old fashioned cuddles and soothing touches from Aywin, the half-elf letting Vanquish nuzzle into him all he needs to until he feels better from his nightmare.

3. Do they wear the other’s clothes? (sweatshirt, bandana, necklace, etc.)

V: It's not super easy for Vanquish to exactly fit into Aywin's clothes. But he is known to steal some of the half-elf's golden jewelry from time to time, finding if he can make it fit somewhere and so on. He wouldn't be shy to admit to laying on or holding onto Aywin's clothes due to being able to smell him on them, but he would rather not ruin the shirt by attempting to wear it.

A: Its all too common for Vanquish to come home to Aywin running around wearing one of the tiefling's old t-shirts thats way too big on Aywin, but he looks adorable in it (and sometimes its *just* a tshirt and nothing else underneath hehehe). Also likes wearing Vanquish's stuff so he can be immersed in Vanquish's smell/essence.

4. Which one is more protective? Who needs to be ‘protected’?

V: Vanquish is definitely aggressively protective of Aywin. He's not shy to snapping at people who walk to close to his husband or fully punching someone for trying to hit on him. Everything about Vanquish us brute force so he will always be ready to attack and protect for his Aywin. He has never been known to want protection, so the small things Aywin does for him always through him. But in terms of general dynamic, Vanquish is the protector and Aywin the protected.

A: I feel like Vanquish is the more protective one with Aywin being the more carefree one most of the time. Of course, Aywin will always go out of his way to protect Vanquish if he knows he's in trouble, even when its mild. He gets real snippy real fast when someone feels like insulting Vanquish. Aywin also always likes to be prepared for things, like gifting Vanquish various magic items that *could* possibly protect his beloved one day (like that shield ring we mentioned for modern aus). When they're out adventuring, Aywin is definitely the one readily carrying around healing potions and other emergency remedies for him and Vanquish just in case. However, I feel like Aywin trusts Vanquish to handle himself a lot. He knows Vanquish can be very fierce and Aywin is honestly all for watching Vanquish beat the shit out of people that try to mess with him lol.

8. What happens if one of them gets sick?

V: if Aywin is sick, Vanquish blocks out any potential distractions. No one can bug him and no meeting is more important than his husband's illness. If it's a simple sickness, Vanquish focuses on easy soups and cold remedies that he's always been known to use, making sure it's not too much for Aywin though. If it's worse like a wild magic sickness, such as well the sun is too far and Aywin simply can't get his magic out, he will be more than willing to barricade them both in a room and hold Aywin close even as his magic sometimes bursts into fireballs and sparks of bugs. He will stay close and hold Aywin tight though it all and hope the half-elf can finally rest.

A: Aywin always goes in 110% when it comes to taking care of Vanquish. From the smallest colds to his full blown blood moon transformations, Aywin will always be there for Vanquish. Sometimes Vanquish can be a little stubborn and won't admit he's not well, but Aywin will eventually notice and get Vanquish to finally rest and relax and let Aywin take care of him. Aywin letting Vanquish hold him for as long as he needs to. Aywin doing his best to recreate Vanquish's favorite infernal comfort soups. Aywin massaging Vanquish's aching joints and muscles. And if its modern times, Aywin throwing Vanquish's phone into a drawer and not letting anyone bother them until Vanquish is better.

11. Do either try to hide their emotions if upset? Can the other still tell?

V: Vanquish is very well known for bottling up any emotion that isn't rage. If he's sad, he tries very hard not to show it or let tears fall. Ans when angry, he wants so badly not to be angry in front of Aywin. In the sense that he doesn't want to yell at Aywin (him angrily beating the shit out of someone is something he does without worry in front if Aywin). If he ever yelled at Aywin directly, he feels it would make him sick. But... Aywin can tell. He can tell in the way his tail moves and how his demeanor changes. Vanquish can't hide his emotions from him.

A: I think Aywin *tries* to hide when he's upset, but Vanquish can read him like big bright neon sign. Those big wet eyes of his just give everything away. And it doesn't take a lot of prodding from Vanquish to get Aywin to admit whats wrong. They communicate well.

[nomeniko]

mew mew 12 16 19 for the artist ask game meowing at you meew

VINNNNNNN HELLOOOO THANK UU

12. describe your process while drawing

i think this was the one question i rly wanted to ans out of the list, only bc ive been told multiple times that my process is like that of a maniac LMAOO

p much just this: vague scribble, lines, and color (which rarely happens atp, but if it DOES happen then it mostly stays as flats aka fill tooling my way thru). as close to freehand as i can possibly get

if the drawing im doing is more complicated then the first stage scribble just becomes more convoluted, but the process is the exact same

as a consequence i take a shitton of time while drawing (usually an hr on a simple colorless illus and ONLY on good days. otherwise ive gone past 2-3 hrs on most of the simpler drawings i do)

if drawing process meant everything beyond just the illustration then warmups r p much a given b4 i start any piece!!! my go tos r always cubes or freehand figures (1 min and a half each. the goal is to get used to the flow of it fo the day :3 otherwise my lines end up looking shit)

ive also been told that i draw like a warrior training. idk. i honestly kind of see it LMAOOO its abt forcing my way thru getting the lines i want

16. how do you motivate yourself to draw?

i honestly dont know!!! im trying to think of an ans, but im coming up blank

i dont even try motivating myself, it just hits when it wants to hit. once in a while i get an idea that i REALLY want to draw, so i do it as fast as possible b4 i lose interest; otherwise i can barely draw, and at those times i just let myself rest

the one thing i do have to thank is whatever im interested in at that moment in time. rn milgram took over my life, so everything i draw is just that. tbh b4 i got into milgram, i was demotivated w drawing for multiple years straight, so ive been burning out the time i lost not drawing in the past few months

ig the one thing i cld say helps w motivation is the idea of doing everything now. if i get an idea, i do it immediately, and thats usually enough of a motivator for me. holding off an idea and not drawing it p much guarantees that i lose interest. draw whatever u want whenever u want

19. where do you find inspiration?

other art i like (mostly online artists)!! i have a twt priv that i use solely to rb and bookmark pieces i like frm artists on there. i also have a camera roll album reserved just for inspo, and ig i rb things on this acc for other artists’ art as well

i like looking at what other artists do and applying it to my own drawings. sometimes its general artstyle, other times its the specific way an artist wld draw smth like hands or hair. id admit that ive taken inspo frm how artists compose their work as well lol

im not sure if my art is what ppl wld call inconsistent, but my main goal is to keep that inconsistency as much as possible; it helps w experimentation n lessens the pressure of doing art the same way all the time. its more fun that way imho :3

[themolldollincident]

Oh, the horrors, oh the delights, etc

I do not want to be this type of animal etc? Not anymore! I have found the type of animal i DO wish to be, and it's me! Only took me, what... 27 years? Am i 28 yet?... Am I 27?? 14?? I dont remember. But I'm glad to have Molly back with me. Molly is glad to finally have the life she wanted. And Molly can be me and can stop just holding all the sad shit. Very excited for this next bit. Foaming at the mouth, actually. I think im gonna make it till im 30!! ME, 30! Me, who was born from that one singular google search that made everything fall into place. Happier than ever, but robbed of a childhood by the world surrounding. And MOLLY'S gonna make it to 30, too!! MOLLY, my missing childhood, who grew stunted, immobile, and foggy under poor conditions and only got to thrive once in the sun for a brief moment before she died. (They made me kill her like we were two prisoners in an arena but i swear i was trying to love her). But i finally stopped trying to forgive her (since she should never have apologized) and we let ourselves forget about forgiving and fell into the mud and rolled around together and we laughed, actually, and she'd never laughed that hard before in her life. And now we are friends and we make out and hold hands in parking lots and do drugs and sell sex to strangers and we steal and we love and we admire and we feel awe and we fall into the vastness of joy without worrying about a landing. Because really thats all she always wanted to do, but they lied to her and told her she'd never be happy as the thing she wanted to be. But we've never been happier or more ourself now, and their god is nowhere to be seen (we've stolen a few of their foot soldiers, so he very rarely shows his face here. I can be in my room without him holding a gun to the back of my head!!!) Anyway. We're mad and we've been mad since 7 years old. So as you can imagine thats very few memories remaining before it all started. But its not a bad thing to rot sometimes as long as it sows the necessary vitamins for new growth. And the growth cycle is coming around again!! Right on schedule lol. I have so many things i desperately want to do, but the world is difficult, and my goals require a frugality that is so so tragic when you put that fragility - uh, sorry - frugality in front of that excitement and verve and lust for life and the urge to CREATE!!! But i dont need to rush. I have time. After all, im not even 30 yet. The most fun part hasn't even started. Its all about to get so much better i cant even imagine it. Poverty can slow me down, but it can only stop me by killing me. And babe im still alive after ALL THAT, aren't I?? So im doing my best. I have warm dry socks. Warm dry socks. Warm dry socks AND a few bills on autopay - well, blow me down! And MOST incredible of all, i have a new toy and a new place to feed my god. I've fed it there two days now, and it fills me with such excitement and joy!! I'm glad I stuck around, think i might just do it as long as i can.

[milascenta]

26th February 18:17

I'm sorry for not posting in a while. I've not been doing very much, just still recovering. Its been pretty annoying to be honest but its starting to get better. I thought it would be a lot faster, my doctor said only a couple months at most but its been way longer. I haven't been in as much pain recently though which is good, I no longer take pain killers all the time, its maybe once or twice a day if I feel it, some days feel better than others. I still feel the stitches which I was told would absorb after a couple months too so thats annoying lol, its making this small region across my chest really tight, like to the right of my neck along my collar bone, as thats where the muscle was cut through and reattached and all that. I'm able to workout a lil more though which is good, I haven't been able to move much for so long so its good to move more and get some muscle back. Not doing anything too intense as I don't want to risk tearing or anything. But the tightness is slowly going. Stretching is becoming easier too. I need to start walking more haha, I feel more lungs need more of a workout lately, which sounds weird but as they did stuff to my lung I need to get it back up to snuff lol. Been dealing with more pc issues can you believe it?! haha, its now just like turning off my displays and my IO becomes unresponsive but the computer is still on? Like all the lights and fans and everything, so I have to turn off the power supply and turn it back on again. So random too, just watching youtube or playing games does it, so its hard to reproduce. I've looked it up and it could be 2 things, either the motherboard is starting to die or something is shorting it out or the power supply is acting weird. So I ordered a new motherboard and if it continues then it must be the power supply. That means I should start streaming again soon, I've really been wanting to get back into it as its just something I see myself doing and I want to start doing things again, creative things and fun things moving things and all that.

I hope you've been doing ok and I hope your grandmother is doing ok too, N. I know you say you want 35+ days sometimes but please please I beg you, you do not hahaha I would kill to be able to wear clothes again and not sweat through anything I put in contact with my skin haha. Its been cooler down a lil recently but we still get a 35+ day every week or so. 38 on the 29th last day of summer is going out with a bang. Hopefully winter is cooler.

Its so good to hear you getting a promotion you really deserve so I hope you feel proud cause I do. Omg dealing with less customers sounds amazing too, they're the worst hahaha. I hope its been good and you've been able to acclimate to it well. I really understand when you say you feel Stuck, though I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself, I've to realise more and more as I age that time is kinda more and more irrelevant, what's more important is that we get there, we get to do the things we want and move towards our goals we set for ourselves, I really believe you will achieve them. Though I completely understand you. I hate that I'm still aging I feel like I haven't achieved anything, I keep thinking I wish I could go back to a teenager and start again, but who knows. I think getting out of your town is a good goal to have, I don't think you want to be there forever, I'm sure where you'd go but I think you'll try out a few places before settling properly, somewhere that is in more align with your values and offers you more opportunities. I really liked living closer to the city, I love further out but idk there's just something about walking around people and down alleys and finding random things, and also I things being close. Jeeez I miss just being able to walk to something, I have to train or bus to something I want to go to its so annoying hahaha. I really get you on the friends thing too, a lot of the people I grew up with are married and either have children or are in positions to now, its so surreal to see. I feel a roadblock as well. But idk I always feel like it will work out in the end, I just always have that tiny bit of hope that like nags me in the back of my mind like the adoring fan from Oblivion hahah. Always there to challenge my distorted thinking. Which is good I think. I think we always do things in the end, we never stagnate if that makes sense. But i feel like I'm rambling a bit, i just understand what you might be thinking right now as I feel similar. In my situation I get so much outside pressure from my family to do so much, even though I'm still recovering from a pretty major surgery, it kinda makes me feel like what I want to do isn't important and that I have to listen to them even though they don't seem to understand it. I feel like my best friend understands me the most right now and you of course. Both of which I'm grateful.

Chonky's been good she had her adoption day on the 12th of January, for which I give her some raw meat in the shape of a heart, I also do the same for Valentine's day.

Also Catfish and the Bottlemen are coming back and I'm so excited for the new album, its just Benji and Van at the moment but I have my hopes for the new stuff haha.

"I think you're crazy, baby

I will see you in the next life

I think you're crazy, baby"

[crypticbydesign]

Here's something I realized;

I just realized that my dream.of being a real fit dude and looking like it will never, ever happen. Like ever.

I can be fit. I can be as fit as i want. I possibly will get strong enough to meet my goals (picking up my friends and spinning them around despite them weighing more than me and being much taller than me.) But i will never look like it, if i'm lucky when i transition i'll get a bit more visible muscle, but not much.

The reasoning behind this is that my dad has a genetic condition that causes him to not process the proteins needed to create visible muscle. (He still is very fit for being in his mid 50's and has a bit of tum/it isnt defined as abs) but he can carry 120 pounds (3 bags of roughly 40ish lbs wood pellets) on one shoulder. With minimal trouble. But he doesn't look like he should be able to do this. He doesn't have a lot of visible muscle because of his condition.

Knowing all this about him is important because I just got work out equipment (two five lbs weights and an eight lb kettlebell weight) in order to try to get some abs and some more visible muscle since i have noodle arms. I knew that it was extremely possible that I also had this condition because i have trouble with gaining weight/having it fluctuate (which my dad also struggles (struggled with.) (Not sure if he really struggles now that he's a bit older and his metabolism has slowed down due to it). And for the fact that in highschool (last 2 years) i was carrying a haybale that was sopping wet by myself. (That was closeish to 100+ lbs cause square bales are 80 lbs dry and straw/hay holds water like no other). I had a bit more visible muscle than i do now (not much cause other than lugging horse stuff around a barn and working fast food i didnt work out. And now i work in fast food and work out at least once a week. Usually only once a week).

My dad also confirmed that even without genetic testing there's a pretty much 100% chance i have the same condition. I am gonna be my tiny 5'1 self and be 120 pounds and carry my friends that weight more than me and i wont look like i'll be able to!! Thats gonna be awesome! 😈 One of my goals is to pick up my manager friend he's about 6' tall and he said over 200lbs. It's my goal to pick him up and spin him around. Preferably one armed. (The one arm i know aint realistic but i can dream aight?) I'm gonna be so good at huggin!

This also goes hand in hand with something else that gives me gender euphoria; being happy and bubbly. I say 'good mornin' to everyone at work as soon as i see them. Sometimes in my regular voice, sometimes in my customer service voice, sometimes in a silly voice for a specific person. I've had people cuss me out over doing this or say that it's not very manly of me to do that. As if showing love and affection is a gender related thing. I've had to explain to them that i do it because i want my coworkers to smile; i want them to have a good day and if i can bring a moment of happiness by singling them out to call them by name and say good morning then i will and not one person can stop me.

What i don't tell them is that i can not physcially find worth in myself or think that i matter, but I think that every single person i work with matters, that they have an immeasurable amount of worth and by saying something as simple as good morning and getting a smile or a laugh or even a 'dude it's not morning anymore.' And having to explain that if it can be 5 o'clock anywhere it can be morning at 2pm and that gives methe most gender euphoria because through everything in that moment they're seeing the true me; unmasked and a happy little dude.

[myrdiary]

02/10/24 | entry #01

general thoughts and feelings:

today i went to disney on ice! vv fun. def reccommend. but not what im here to talk about rn. i absolutely cannot stop thinking about Bobs Burgers. its my MAJORRR hyperfix rn and im all about it.

i started planning a fanfic?? its rlly good but idk if ill write it tbh, im not that great w following through w my ideas. after this post im gonna obsessively read the wiki and make notes. then im gonna draw.

"draw what?" you ask? literally anything related to bobs burgers. i made a morning kisses drawing yesterday, today i might just draw them and their restaurant (like the intro) as a whole. thatd be so mega fun actually

also yk when you watch a show for so long that you pick up on their speech patterns? thats literally me rn like actually. my speech pattern is closest to tina or bob with the excessive amount of "uhm"'s and pauses in ym sentences. and this digital diary is kinda like tinas journal that everyone reads

sometimes i wish my family was like hers but other times i appreciate what i have. they have such a perfect and supportive family dynamic that i cant help but be jealous sometimes. most of my thoughts are comparing the two, but i know that reality will usually win. well i think thatss all until i add a "p.s" at the end

overall emotions for the day:

pretty good! im very sickso i woke up a few times in the night so i was a bit upset about that but itll be okay once i get over my sickness

academic items:

mr conrad gave us this major lab to do to prepare for our simple invertebrates practical. it has like. over 40 items on it! me and arianna are working together. it was supposed to be me and lexie and arianna, but since sierra o left for disney, ashley joined our group. me and arianna dont like her mainly bc she doesnt do any work when shes supposed to.

religious thoughts:

started an online bible course a few days ago! hoping to continue it when im not so hyperfixed

writing goals:

plotted that fanfic i was talking about! its called "veiled lament, chromatic whispers between twilight" and it only has 10 plotted chapters but i wanna turn it into a big thing.

i keep seeing this fic called "Baby Steps" for zekina and im sure its great but the author posts so much smut with the fic and i am so. against that. mainly because theyre minors

language goals:

started latin a few days ago. havent done anything else with it besides organize resources

self care goals:

got my new mary kay skincare set! trying to use it every night

shadow work:

havent touched anything witchy in 2 months

other:

attempting to shift tonight!!! i wanna be at hogwarts so bad