#i try to be intentional w my actions and thoughts. but im just. really tired

[angstics]

How does one fix chronic jello brain

[spiral-writing-stuff]

hi hi! i saw ur requests were open? (sorry if theyre closed)

Can i request a Akutagawa x gender neutral teen reader? (Platonic ofcou) basically reader looks up to Akutagawa and sees him as a older brother figure and akutagawa sees them as a younger sibling :3 can it be angst also? like where one of them is badly hurt and the other is crying and all that jazz

pls and thank you <3

authors note: Don’t worry! If my bio says requests are open then they are! I just take a while to write because there’s a lot of stuff going on in my life, so I’m really sorry this took so long! Im thinking of splitting this into 2-3 parts because I’m still thinking of how to write the rest of the story, I have the plot already in my head but I just need to put it into words. This request is sooo cute big brother akutagawa is just such a great concept:,) Also so sorry if the angst isn’t good lol I’m not very good at writing creative sad stuff! (Please give me feedback!😭) also sorry if it’s too angsty i think I went a little overboard again. I might edit this story later.

Sorry this took so long!

I also couldn’t decide if reader is older or younger than Gin so you guys decide.

I Hope it’s what you wanted!!<3

On a Silver Night

Content/Warnings: angst, gore, blood/injury, abuse/child abuse, death, Dazai being a bastard, lmk if I missed anything

For as long as you can remember, Ryūnosuke was always protecting you and gin, as if you two are the thing he lives for. which you both are at this point He has always tried his hardest to defend you, gin, and the other children from thieves and abusive adults, he didn’t do it to be righteous, nor did he do it to feel better about himself, he just did. At least, that’s what you thought, it was hard deciphering his intent because everything he did, he did with the same, emotionless stare. People would always mention this fact. Even when he was killing, stealing, or when you found some food or someone told a joke, he always had the same blank expression. You thought it was funny sometimes though he never once showed any emotion, that didn’t matter to you, his actions spoke clearer than any words could.

Like when he would sometimes hug you and gin to keep you warm during cold nights, when he found food he would share it with the two of you first. And if anyone dared to threaten or try to hurt any of you they would be dead in an instant by Rashōmon’s sharp fangs. Yes, his facial expressions didn’t matter, he was trying his hardest to keep you and Gin from experiencing the harsh cruelty of the word, but he was still just a boy himself. There wasn’t much a malnourished and frail child could do, yet he persisted, despite how many times he’d fallen. You looked up to him and had a deep respect for him because of this.

Even though it was a horrible situation all of you were living in, you were happy just to be with your older brother, sister and the other children. Among all the other children, You, Gin and Ryūnosuke were the ones you were closest to.

Until that fateful day, when a group of criminals murdered all the other children in cold blood, leaving You and Gin injured, and Ryūnosuke thirsty for blood.

~ ~ ~

Gin had helped Akutagawa escape but you three got separated amidst the chaos and confusion, you held Gin’s hand tightly as you two ran and ran until you two were exhausted, collapsing onto the damp, cold ground. The air was foggy and cold, the night dark while the moon illuminated your surroundings with a silver light. After a few minutes of struggling to catch your breath you got up from the dirty ground and remembered only Gin was with you, Ryūnosuke had ran off in search of the criminals who killed your friends. Fear and panic shot through your body, terrified that Ryū was going to get himself killed.

“G-gin! W-we have to find Ryū!” You said to Gin in a rushed shaky voice. She swiftly nodded.

You two began running, this time slower due to how tired you both were. You were heading in the direction of where the shipment was said to be taking place.

“Gin! I think we’re almost there—“ you stopped when you saw a tall man walking in your direction with a shorter person. The shorter person had a black coat draped over his shoulders, the man seemed to be waking directly to you now, a smile on his face.

“Be careful Gin.. s-stand behind me..” you got in front of Gin just in case, until you realized the shorter person was Ryūnosuke, his eyes were slightly puffy and tearful, he had been crying. your heart dropping at the sight. Immediately you throw yourself at Ryū pulling him away from the mysterious man

“Just who are you and what are you doing with my big brother?!” You frantically yell at the man, hiding Ryū and Gin behind you

The man glares at you with boredom in his face, as if this was all nothing to him, but then he started to smirk slightly “Brother? Oh, I knew Akutagawa had a sister but I didn’t know he had another sibling. What’s your name?” He said with a mischievous face, He reached out his hand to seemingly pat your head but you smacked it away immediately, surprising him a bit “you didn’t answer my question-“ you felt a hand on your shoulder and turned around “Y/n…cough it’s okay..you don’t have to worry..” Ryū weakly said to you. Your heart ached at the sight of his bloodied and bruised face, looking down you can see he has bloody scratches on his knees, arms and legs, his entire body was hurt.

“Hm? Oh, right! Sorry about that! Where are my manners?” He said rather loudly “My name is Dazai Osamu, I just got promoted to a Mafia Executive today, Which means, I now have the authority to do certain things. like taking anyone as my subordinate, and your brother here has accepted my offer.” Dazai said soft-spoken yet somehow overbearing with a kind smile that didn’t reach his eyes. You were confused by the man’s statement, many thoughts ran through your mind;

“Would Ryūnosuke really agree to join the mafia? Especially join through this guy? How would we be guaranteed safety? What if this is just a trap to exploit Ryū’s ability? What if he kills us?”

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a dangerous, slightly condescending soft voice “you don’t have to worry, if i wanted you dead, I would have done so the second I laid eyes on you.” He said to you, it’s as if he read your mind. He was staring into your eyes as you stared back, his eyes void of any emotion, much like your brother’s, except you found a deep cruelness to them, it terrified you.

“Well, it was just gonna be Akutagawa here and his sister, but I can make arrangements, just for you.” His eyes went back to a neutral state “I promise,” he puts his hand on his chest “that the three of you will be fed, clothed, housed and compensated accordingly, as long as you work under me, no one else in the mafia will dare harm you.” Dazai reached his hand out to you, a sweet smile on his face

“so Y/n, do we have a deal?”

~ ~ ~

To be continued.

Notes: it is 5am as I write this, can you believe I’ve been writing and tweaking this since April 7th??!? And this isn���t even that long. What ADHD does to a mf

Honestly I’m not sure if I should continue this, obviously if more people wanna read it than yeah since I have the story already in my head, just need the motivation. So comment and tell me that you want more!!!

Anyways hope y’all enjoyed. Stay hydrated!

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[heyitsyn]

'Siri Am I Having a Stroke?’ Sofia the First

Soulmate!Daichi x Reader Soulmate!Tendou x Reader

a/n: lmao, yall finna know what kind of soulmate au this

when your soulmate gets hurt, you kinda get hurt too

the music your soulmate listens to or constantly sings is always playing in your head

request:  Can I request a daichi, tendou, and aone soulmate au headcanon 🤲🏽😩 they're my faves, I wanted to add some more but there could be a limit? I'll request again next time ^^

a/n: sorry anon but ill only do daichi and tendou bc im not very familiar with aone :( but theres not really a limit so go ahead!!

requests open!!

so anyways

for most of your life, you thought you didnt even have a soulmate

there were no scars, no bruises,

nothing

this other half of yours was completely silent and you really thought that youd die forever

but, you

you were a wild chile and you were the type to go playing outside w your brothers and get a lot of cuts

maybe that was why you thought you didnt have a soulmate bc when your soulmate does get hurt, you wouldnt see it since youd think it was one of your own

now, daichi

he worried for you

new scars and bruises would appear on his arms overnight and he fussed over the fact that you would constantly getting hurt

were you in a toxic environment?

were these intentional?

but he would try and heal them, thinking that it would heal you too bc he didnt want you to be hurt

uwu daichi luv

he would even kiss them better bc his mom told him that kisses help them heal faster

then,

during middle school, daichi found his love for volleyball

he started training and being more active and that caused him a lot of bruises and pain

meanwhile w you,

youve mellowed out a bit

so when you entered middle school,

you were actually ecstatic to find that you had a soulmate bc you would find bruises on your hands and arms

you found out the afternoon of the first day of middle school

daichi was in the gym, practicing during lunch, and he hit a spike that bruised his fingers and he received a really powerful ball

you were sitting in class, completely bored out of your mind so you just doodled on your paper

then you flinched at the sudden pain and saw the formation of the beautiful mix of blue, purple,green, bruise

yall are in different schools btw

you shrieked and stood up, cutting off your teacher and surprising everyone in the room

‘my soulmate!’

they were like, ‘okay and?’

the entire day, you admired the colors, not even minding the hurt bc this was it!!

!!!!

your soulmate was real!!!

but daichi was worried that you were also going through the same pain and soreness from practice

and you were

after the shock and happiness of knowing you in fact do have a soulmate,

youve started getting annoyed

was this what he felt whenever you injured yourself during your younger years?

bc this waas annoying

you were constantly fatigued, tired, sore

even the mere action of getting up in the morning sucked and you actually fell down the stairs due to the soreness of your legs and you dropped your chopsticks due to the hurt in your fingers

youve concluded that your soulmate was either an athlete or in a toxic environment

during the walk to school, you raised your arms and watched a new bruise forming

it was a truly beautiful sight but the stiffness and hurt weighed it down

this was your only form of communication with your soulmate and you were sad bc you wanted to be there for him and help heal his bruises and scars

one of your friends suggested a crazy thought of hurting yourself to write a small message which you instantly turned down bc thats too crazy and you will not do that

as the years went on, you were starting to get more worried each day that you wont be meeting your soulmate soon

for almost 6 years, youve wandered over to every athletic club in your school or nearby schools to find if there was even a person who had the same bruises as you

ngl, some lied just bc they wanted you as their soulmate uwu

one of your classmates in seijoh, iwaizumi hajime, has understood your dilemma since he was one of the ones youve expressed this concern to

youve been classmates for 3 years and youve always been coincidentally sat next to each other so youre close

i really cant resist my mans

‘y/n, i really think your soulmate is a volleyball player’

you rolled your eyes as you continued taking out your bento

‘iwa, ive checked your team, multiple times, and none of them are my soulmate! ive even checked other schools too since my brothers have connections there. but still nothing’

he felt bad for you, truly

he already found his when yall started high school, almost immediately, and you were so jealous

‘but those bruises on your arm can only be from volleyball. the way its placed, its like receiving an intense ball while the fingers might be because he spikes the ball’

you sighed before leaning your chin on your hand

‘okay, great buddha iwa-chan. enlighten me as to why you think so’

his eye twitched at the ridiculous nickname

‘y/n, im a volleyball player. ive been playing since i was like 6 and im the ace. i have those same exact bruises’

‘WHAT! IWA-CHAN ARE YOU MY SOULMATE?!’

‘YOU IDIOT I ALREADY HAVE MINE!’

but you mulled it over for a few days

yea, it would make sense, right?

but it still doesnt add up that youve literally visited every single club around with the help of being iwa’s friend and going to their matches

however,

due to karasuno not having practice matches w seijoh or not advancing far enough to play against them, youve never really interacted with that team

besides, the times they actually played against each other, youve been busy due to having to do interships, part time jobs, and studying since it was your last year of high school

it was during the second interhigh that iwa finally got you to go watch them play

‘come on, y/n. shittykawa misses you and matsun and maki keep demanding your support’

‘iwa, what-’

so you found yourself at the stands, just watching the games until seijoh actually plays

then you saw the team, known as karasuno, enter the gym to start their warm-ups

your heart started beating really fast and you were kinda freaking out bc what was happening

‘siri am i having a stroke?’

daichi was feeling the same thing

he thought it was just the adrenaline of playing a game but in all of his years of play8ing volleyball, he hasnt felt this intense beating of his heart

he even had to lean on suga for support bc it felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest

‘daichi, you okay?’

suga worriedly asked and placed a hand on his forehead to check his temp

daisuga rights yall

he didnt want to worry the team so he nodded, just waving it off

he was captain so he shouldnt worry the others

oikawa and iwa entered the stands and were confused as to why you were looking around with wide eyes like an owl

fukurodani vibes

‘y/n-chan, what’s wrong?’

oikawa asked and you looked at them, surprised and shocked

they were lowkey freaked out bc what was happening

‘oikawa-san, my heart-’

you mumbled and pointed to your chest

his smile wobbled bc you just started at him and it was starting to scare him a bit

since oikawa hasnt found his soulmate yet, he wasnt familiar with the feeling of being in the same vicinity as his other half

but iwa did

and he was smiling

‘you owe me so much, y/n’

‘IWA! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO DIE!’

karasuno was going against johzenji and daichi wasnt exactly in his best game

to others, he looked like he was doing great but he wasnt feeling good and the beat of his heart was still very fast

this distraction caused him and tanaka to collide and everything went to hell

the entire time, your arms were crying and you were just sweating from the pain but you were also sweating w the possibility of your soulmate being either in johzenji or karasuno

but that was answered when daichi got hurt and you just collapsed, also falling unconscious

iwa, who returned from getting drinks, ran to your slumped form and oikawa, who was focused on the match and didnt notice, shrieked at your unconscious form

‘y/n? y/n, wake up’

everyone in the stands stared at your unconscious form and they started talking, eventually catching the attention of the karasuno team

suga, who was fussing over daichi, heard that a girl also fell unconscious

omg what if

oikawa was grinning at the sight of your bruised cheek bc you finally found your soulmate so you would shut up about it

iwa carried you to the nurse and you actually woke up as he placed you on the bed, conviently beside the karasuno captain

‘w-what-’

but he only smiled

‘congratulations, y/n’

bih what

congratulations for what

the nurse went over from beside daichi and she giggled at the meeting of soulmates

you sat up, wincing at the pain in your tooth

‘ow’

that caught daichi’s attention and he stared at you and your arms before looking at his

they were the exact same

‘i think,,,, i think we’re soulmates’

that made you quickly look at him and noticed the big bruise on his face that was like copy paste on you

‘oh god!’

you cowered and had your hands over your mouth in surprise

he froze, starting to feel insecure that he wasnt what you wanted

‘is something wrong-’

‘you’re HOT!!’

you shrieked unconsciously and when you finally realized it, you hurriedly pulled the blanket over your form

lmao gurl noooooo

daichi started laughing and he thought you were cute

straightforward

but cute

‘oi, come on. i want to see your pretty face’

yes police officer. this is the man who stole my uwus

you peaked your head out from your blanket cocoon and he smiled softly

‘i’m sawamura daichi, by the way. 3rd year’

‘l-l/n y/n. same y-year’

‘so? you expected me to be this?’

you shook your head

‘i mean, iwa told me you could be a volleyball player. but i didnt expect the universe to like me enough to give me a greek god as my soulmate’

im disowning y/n yall

he turned flustered and looked away to hide his blush

‘youre not too bad yourself, you know. youre actually more beautiful than i thought’

‘sir! dont say that to me i be catching feelings way too fast for that!’

i-i cannot w you

he laughed out loud before wincing, causing you to wince too

‘but are you okay, though? i mean,, it must hurt’

but you shook your head

‘i should be asking you that. does it hurt as much as it looks?’

‘nah, its bearable’

you continued talking about your childhood and you actually clarified that you were just rambunctious when you were younger so you got hurt pretty often

‘i really thought you needed to be saved or something’

you smirked

‘oh? my prince charming? knight-in-shining-armor? knight prince daichi?’

he stared at you, a blush creeping up again

‘are you always this bold?’

you shrugged

‘meh. im friends w oikawa tooru’

‘oh. makes sense’

lmao

you both completely forgot about the fact that his face literally got hurt and his tooth was gone bc you have been talking like two best friends who got separated

but you had to separate at some point too

the beautiful manager entered the clinic and asked if daichi was okay enough

‘yea, im fine. i can go now, i guess’

you nodded sadly

‘okay. bye, daichi’

he furrowed his eyebrows

‘but wait for me later, okay? ill treat you to something after i win this match’

from your bed, you crossed your arm with a smug smile

‘oh? youre confident, captain’

‘of course. ill win bc this victory is for you’

you bashfully smiled and chuckled

‘go hurry and win! i expect that date as soon as possible, captain!’

the deadchi memes are literally scaring the new fans and i feel really bad

bruh hes so cute for what

for his entire life, he had the sofia the first song stuck in his head

it was maybe bc his soulmate was in love w that show or just in love w the song

but either way, he constantly hears it and thinks about it

meanwhile you,

you constantly heard bye bye bye by nsync

of all things, it had to be a boy band

however, you were lucky bc for years it varied on what song would be playing

but for him, it continued to be sofia the first

this drived him to watch the show and he did see the appeal and soon, he started singing it too

omg its such a bop

you were triggered bc the song then switched over to sofia the first and you were like, ‘does he like it too?’

you would be going around the store, holding your mom’s hand, and singing it out loud, hoping to find your soulmate

but he never seemed to hear it

instead, hearing the song in your voice, instead of the show’s

he thought you had such a beautiful voice

then in elementary school, his bullying started and ngl, he was actually hurt by the words other kids said

he still had his cute smile on and acted like it didnt bother by teasing others but he was still sad

did nobody like him?

was he always going to look like a monster?

would you be revolted if you saw him?

then he heard this song in the radio ‘dear insecurity’ and he just couldnt help but keep listening to it

ofc you noticed and you were sad that he was listening to such sad song

he was insecure and you couldnt do anything about it

then you started looking up motivating songs and you started singing the one that you really liked

‘i see your monsters, i see your pain, tell me your problems, i’ll chase them away’

he heard your voice as he was hiding behind the school building and his tears instantly stopped, hearing a different song but he couldnt help but smile

he knew that song was for him

you were out there somewhere and a complete stranger to him but you were the only person who seemed to care

because under that teasing and cheerful personality, he was still human and he was very insecure about himself

but you were always there to encourage him, your voice instantly chasing all the fears away

when he started playing volleyball, he became famous for his efficient blocks and you could hear him singing different songs, all of them just under a minute

you concluded that they were his own songs

sometimes, you laughed bc they were funny songs and catchy so you would memorize it and sing it back to him

this was your only way of communicating back of forth and you were so lucky that you even got to hear your soulmate’s voice

then high school started, meaning your friends started meeting their soulmates one by one until you were the only one who didnt

your school, karasuno, had no one that had the same voice as your soulmate’s

some people even saw you as an extrovert and a people person since you started conversations with strangers easily but this was just your way of finding your other half

with no luck, you started singing your concerns

in no time, ‘thousand miles’ was playing on loop in tendou’s head and he was already feeling your antsy attitude

in retaliation, he starts singing ‘lucky’ by jason mraz and you always turned red, slightly happy that he was practically calling out to you

so even though you suffered through years being alone, you didnt give up on hope and continued your search

now, youd be asking, ‘why cant you or tendou just sing each other’s location?’

yes, young grasshopper, there is an explanation to that

you and tendou collectively agreed to let fate do its work and just wait for the time it happens bc if its meant to be, its meant to be

besides, tendou likes to tease you and he wants to make you wait for him so that the moment you do meet, it would become more special

in your last year of high school, you ended up helping kiyoko in being manager and you were so proud of these boys for making it to the finals

you were excitedly waving an orange flag in support of your team and you screamed with the others as they entered the court

you and yacchi ended up helping tanaka’s sister, saeko, and was setting up the plan for their cheers so you werent exactly focused on your soulmate

but tendou did keep hearing a fight song in your head

then they walked in

shiratorizawa made their presence known and you turned to look at them but locked eyes at the unique looking player

his red hair glinted against the bright lights of the gym and his smirk curled in such an attractive way that you were leaning forward to get a closer look

tendou noticed a stare at him and he saw your surprised yet flustered look

that eye contact made everything fall deaf in your ears and you just heard silence

no song, no cheer, just absolute silence

but you and tendou are practically the same so you thought for the worse that your soulmate has died bc of the silence

dread filled your stomach and you started singing sofia the first in instinct

your mouth moved with the words and you shut your eyes, trying to calm yourself down

his jaw dropped, hearing the familiar voice and song that correlated with your mouth’s movements

‘there you are, little birdie’

semi turned to tendou and saw him with a smile hes never seen before

it was so soft and genuine that he got a little scared

the entire game, you were all depressed bc it continued to be silent in your head

tendou was just teasing you a little bit and he didnt want to think or sing a song bc he wanted it to be a special cliche reunion after he crushes your team

but his famous song ruined it

it blared in your head and it got 2x bass boosted when he sang it out loud, completely disregarding the fact that everyone was listening

‘you!’

you shrieked and pointed to him

he was your soulmate

and he was alive

not dead

everyone, including all players, looked at confusion between you and him but he just waved at you

‘ill talk to you later, little birdie!’

great, he embarrassed you in front of everyone

but you didnt care bc omg he was your soulmate!!

‘omg universe and fate, you actually like me to give me such a handsome soulmate!’

now, youre actually cheering on both teams

one was your home school the other was your soulmate

however,

there could only be one winner

and that winner was karasuno

you noticed the defeated looks of your soulmate and his teammates and you almost bursted into tears

you quickly maneuvered yourself through the people and found the familiar spiky hair standing at the doorway, looking at the gym with a forlorn expression

the others noticed you there, especially ushijima who gave you a nod and a small smile

‘i trust you’ll take care of him’

you nodded shakily, raising a hand in salute

‘y-yes!’

you approached him and his teary eyes almost made you bolt into his arms but you calmed yourself

instead, you didnt say anything

but you did sing

‘come stop your crying, it will be alright. just take my hand, and hold it tight. i will protect you, from all around you. i will be here, dont you cry.’

tendou looked to his side and saw you there, not looking at him but also looking at the same direction he was previously

‘my name is tendou satori’

despite already hearing his voice, you still turned red and you looked at him, warmth and love present in your eyes

‘and i’m l/n y/n’

‘you have a beautiful voice’

‘and you are beautiful’

that ending for shiratorizawa physically and emotionally and mentally broke me

[saberspirit]

jiang cheng character analysis essay under the cut! bc he means a Lot to me (its 5 pages im sorry)

tl;dr my thoughts on his relationship to his parents, his relationship with anger and feelings of inferiority, what zidian represents to him, his siblings (largely about what led to him and wwx falling out), and my thoughts on reconciliation between him and wei wuxian in the end.

tw!!! for child abuse and death, also warning for spoilers for the ending. 

alternatively can be read on google docs for accessibility

foreword: by writing this it is not my intention to imply this is the end all be all interpretation, or that i know more than fans of colour (especially chinese/chinese-american fans). i’m looking at his character as a white fan and through a western lens. i understand there are nuances i wont understand, but i have tried and continue to look at him w/ an educated view point and i’m always trying to continue my own self-driven education. i’m as always open to criticism and correction, although i understand it is no ones job to do so. it’s purely an interpretation from someone relating to his themes that i talk about here. thank you for reading! 

Jiang Cheng has a very complicated relationship with his parents (understatement), though different from Wei Wuxian’s complicated relationship w/ them (some overlaps being given).

It’s obvious to me that JC identifies more as his mother's son than his father's—feels he has to be because surely that’s why he feels neglected and like he’s constantly being found wanting by his father (even if Fengmian does Not mean to come across that way and isn’t a cruel man). He identifies with his mother’s anger and feeling of not being what his father truly wanted or loved and I don’t think he realized the effect she had on him with her constant comparison game—trying to measure him up because Madam Yu used him as a playing piece in her constant warring with Fengmian and instilled a sense of otherness in him and his deep-rooted feelings of inferiority and not being Good enough, not being enough in general. And yet he still deeply loves them even through all that he’s been through because of them both.

He never grew up learning how love should be in a relationship; should be from a parent to a child. The love he learned is a different type of conditional love from WWX's (WWX being that he doesn’t trust it in the first place, knowing it will leave). JC receives love and praise but knows it comes from a silent arrangement: it’s transactional. He upholds what his parents want and he gets…a form of it. Jiang Fengmian loved him in a way that you just kind of do love family, perhaps without a real reason otherwise—not pretty, but it is as it is. Madam Yu loved him in a way one loves a possession: she saw too much of Jiang Fengmian in him and JC was a reminder of how unhappy she was and how much her husband didn’t seem to care about her or what she gave him. (This isn’t to downplay Yanli's role in JC’s life: I think she was truly the only one to show him unconditional love in a way that he understood and recognized but it's unfortunately different from siblings and fell on half-deaf ears when all JC really wanted was his father’s approval).

Madam Yu was (afaik) stated to not be physically abusive (aside from the whipping when the Wens came from Wei Wuxian), but she was one-hundred percent verbally and emotionally abusive (for example, punishing WWX w/ isolation from the family w/ seclusion, or in general just how she talked to JC and WWX). She broke those two boys and it's something that can’t be undone…and Zidian represents that trauma, abuse, and expectation and JC’s anger and resentment that was the product of it. It’s literally lightning in a whip form; able to bind without harm, but it’s primarily used to hurt; it can reveal a true form; control over it is only relinquished to one’s family and loved ones.

JC doesn’t just lash out verbally at Wei Wuxian when they meet in his second life, he literally does. It’s his anger under his skin like static, driving him forward and being unable to rest because he’s constantly looking for closure he can’t have. He resents how his parents and Wei Wuxian made him feel but it’s also the only thing he has of them, and he clings to that (and therefore Zidian). It’s the last thing, bar Lotus Pier, that he has of his family anymore, and he wields it like a weapon…because ultimately it’s the only thing he's known for a very long time. Anger is an easy emotion. He wears it well. It was an emotion he learned from his mother, and he is his mother’s son.

As a side note for Zidian: Jin Ling refusing to take it from JC in the Burial Mounds to me was very much about not wanting a goodbye. He's a stubborn kid—JC mirrored what his mother did to him in handing off Zidian before certain death, and I think Jin Ling realized "take care of Zidian" meant "because I can’t anymore". JC wanted Jin Ling to stay safe and keep a hold on their family's legacy, but Jin Ling refused it and stepped forward to protect JC—JL is tired of goodbyes and afraid of losing more people, but also that stubborn streak to protect his family back. He went into the fray himself even if it’s not what JC was asking him to do (but then to JC’s chagrin the kid never really does do what he asks usually, Jin Ling has a good head on his shoulders and he’s as stubborn and quick to anger as his jiujiu but he’s also as incredibly loyal and caring). And I think it's a good vehicle to show that JL is breaking that cycle for them both.

Back to Jiang Cheng and anger and his siblings though. Yanli is all about showing affection in her words and actions (ie. meal sharing, peeling the lotus seeds, etc). WWX struggles to show it in forthright actions, let alone verbalize it (he’s truly bad at it) so while WWX does love his brother and shows it in actions like giving him his golden core…it’s not something JC picks up on well, or at all because he doesn’t even get told about the core until the Guanyin Temple. Jiang Cheng is someone who needs verbalized confirmation and very obvious action. But then to be fair, JC is also not good at verbalizing his love and care (he and Wei Wuxian are two peas in a pod w/ this one). It’s often behind barbed wire because 1) that’s how it was shown to him and 2) because it’s safer and easier to hide behind anger. He really does use it as a shield to protect his real feelings because he’s used to his feelings being trivial and being thrown in his face, and is used to loss. It’s a buffer.

This leads to a problem: Wei Wuxian does love him unconditionally, but I don’t think JC knows that. When he’s faced with the golden core surgery after everything, it’s definitely obvious, but it’s so twisted up in being hidden from him, in his own fears and feelings of failure and reliance that it’s soured. And he struggles to reach out and be frank with his own worries.

And this leads and lends to the severity of their falling out (not the only cause, but a big player in it).

He deeply loves his brother, but it's also entrenched in his bitterness and fears. If it was initially hard for him to verbalize because of those issues (on top of being a teenager/young adult and his feelings of inferiority irt WWX), he’s now in the current day steeped in sixteen years of loss/grief/trauma. Of unresolved tension between the two of them because WWX never told anyone anything—even if that’s just how he is, nothing personal towards JC except maybe that it’s his little brother, his shidi, and he doesn’t want to put a burden on those he loves—and JC tried time and time again to believe him and in him.

The problem was that his trust got thrown in his face time and time again. His older ‘peers’ (clan leaders) mocked and insulted him to his face for his naivety, pointed out that what WWX was doing was an insult to JC and their family, that WWX’s actions disrespected him and that he should do something about it. WWX’s actions themselves alongside him never letting JC in on anything further isolated them and put walls between them. This sewed the seed of the idea for JC that maybe he was naive. That WWX couldn’t uphold his duty and promises to JC and their family while also upkeeping his own personal code of ethics. (Not that it helped that Jiang Cheng also started lashing out at Wei Wuxian in minor ways for not having Suibian, but he didn’t exactly know why, to his credit).

His trust was him trying to care for WWX through all they’ve lost, but he’s also under the immense pressure of leading and rebuilding his home while also being looked down upon for his inexperience and ties to the man the cultivation world loathes.

Jiang Cheng believed WWX when he said he'd help him, wanted him to and expected him to. That’s his big brother and ultimately family comes first, so it was out of the question that WXX wouldn’t uphold that duty to him. Jiang Cheng is barely an adult as Sect Leader and was still a teen when they lost everything, so of course he wanted to rely on and believe Wei Wuxian when he said he'd help. JC doesn’t usually rely on others—I’d wager he hates relying on WWX especially as a callback to the inferiority complex—but he lets WWX in when they have the “Twin Prides” talk, lets him in when he promises JC to help him rebuild their home…and then WWX lets him down several times.

Post Burial Mounds there are signs that JC notices, if not consciously then subconsciously, that something is off with his brother (the demonic cultivation, the flute, the lack of Suibian, his weakness when pushed, etc), little things that he noted but didn’t have the time during a War to think too deeply on. He’s more relieved to just have him back where he can see him, happy that his brother can help them. Jiang Cheng gives him his vote of confidence in his abilities, in him, because he never thought of WWX or his methods badly (having been a fan until it became a symbol of losing Wei Wuxian to Something Else). Even if he had thought something of it, did have a concern, they don’t easily talk to each other now.

That much is obvious when after various meetings post the Sunshot Campaign as WWX is struggling with his temperament and resentful energy, after WWX saves the Wen remnants from the Jin Clan, and Jiang Cheng shows up at the Burial Mounds. He still believes in Wei Wuxian, still is bound to help him, and wants to help him. He’s willing to sacrifice the Wens for his brother. His actions and words are not pretty, but by god is he desperate. Jiang Cheng wants to save him and hides it with harsh words because once again he’s not good at being forthright with his feelings. He’s at his wits’ end, he’s barely 20, and suddenly he's losing Wei Wuxian too. It’s not about them being Wens because at this point he’s aware they’re helpless—it’s because it’s WWX and he’s supposed to make the right decision and be competent. It’s freshly post-war and he’s scared: his big brother is leaving and he feels powerless and he Hates that. Once again feels like he’s not good enough. Not good enough to save WWX, not good enough to lead, and he’s under intense scrutiny. He tells WWX as much that at this point he can’t help, and it hurts him to not be able to. Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to help him, help him. It’s an admittance wrapped in hurt and hurtful words, and WWX throws it in his face because he can’t let him in.

It’s not meant in any malicious way. Wei Wuxian is also traumatized, scared and hurting and dealing with the changes demonic cultivation is causing within him. But this is a key moment when JC for once verbalizes his fears and WWX tells him, ‘good, you don’t need to worry, I don’t have anything to do with you from now on’. (And of course, WWX is doing this to protect JC, but this response is what JC is afraid of).

So we have two times that JC has tried really hard in his own ways to let WWX in. To rely on him and be honest with him and WWX ends up…breaking his promises and leaving him and their family behind. And to me, that explains his actions when the last time they speak before he dies (that we’re shown anyways). WWX is sitting down with Jiang Cheng and Yanli. JC is the one that set up them being able to meet him, the one that reached out even after they fought to make his defecting from the Sect look convincing. He was the one that told Yanli that WWX should be the one to give a courtesy name to her child.

And then WWX brings Wen Ning. Yanli is open to Wen Ning sitting in and enjoying their family tradition, but JC can't understand why. Why WWX chose these people over his own family. He resents it. When he says "you might not be able to come back, to your family" I can imagine how much it destroys him to hear WWX say "but the people I’m returning to are also my family". Because what does that make them, WWX’s siblings; what does that make the promises and the years spent raised together, the duty he had to them first. Wei Wuxian might return to the Burial Mounds, but Jiang Cheng has to return to an empty Lotus Pier. The ghosts of his parents and ghosts of memories of his siblings he’s never getting back (because Yanli will be in Jinlin Tai after her upcoming wedding).

Repeatedly over and over Jiang Cheng reaches out, but time and time again it’s like WWX is telling him he’s not enough: not enough for WWX to rely on, not enough to protect him, not enough for him to want to return to, not enough to be family.

Then the cultivation world comes for WWX and his amulet. Yanli is killed, as far as JC can tell, because of the mess WWX made, and once again he’s in the dark about everything. Then WWX dies and rumours swirl that JC killed him, and maybe he did, maybe he is his brother’s killer even if Wei Wuxian would call it a misunderstanding. He’s left alone with an orphaned nephew in Lotus Pier with his entire family, bar an infant, dead.

So Jiang Cheng spends the next sixteen years without answers, with WWX having reinforced his insecurities and fears that stemmed from the abuse he'd suffered during childhood and then died. Yanli died when she never should’ve been in danger in the first place, seemingly because of Wei Wuxian. And he's so angry. He lashes out at memories and reminders, lashes out at anyone who chooses that same path that WWX chose over his family.

By the time Wei Wuxian’s come back from the dead and JC knows it’s him, WWX is still deflecting, still hiding still not telling him the truth. The fact that WWX comes back at all hurts purely as a fresh opening of the old wound, but the fact that he doesn’t come to find JC, that once again JC and his family isn’t a priority and once again is second best (this time to Lan Wangji)?

He doesn’t kill his brother. JC sits him down in a room and tries to talk but old hurts rile up and he reaches for anger again. WWX isn’t forthright and it makes it worse, neither of them are good at communicating: too many things unsaid, that can’t be said, too many misunderstandings and neither of them knowing how to talk about it. JC has Fairy there and it’s a minor act of revenge. JC uses what he knows is WWX’s weakness to intimidate and immobilize him, but it doesn’t help either of them actually talk.

Reconciliation is going to require WWX being able to talk to him without deflecting and JC getting angry so easily. But by this point, he’s given WWX a lot of chances and it’s why I think they could and would easily post-canon. Jiang Cheng's starting to come to an understanding that WWX did and still does care about him. He didn’t give him his golden core for no reason, and JC starts to understand why WWX did it for him and that he knew JC well enough to hide it in the first place.

He started to reach that conclusion shortly after Wen Ning told him—oh the pain of it having been WWX's chosen little brother figure—and Jiang Cheng had gone around asking people to unsheathe Suibian. It's why he brought Chenqing to the temple in the first place.

I think it speaks to his maturity that he decided at that moment he couldn’t say what he wanted to tell WWX in the end. I think he knew neither of them was ready, but I also think it speaks of how much he misses and trusts WWX to have let him go for now…I think he knows they will meet again as long as they both live, and that they'll be better for having waited. After some time to think, digest, they’ll be ready to be family again and all that entails.

[kwrittink]

Unless?

Pairing: Reader x Im Jaebum (FTL)

Genre: PWP

Warnings: language, sexual insinuation, mentions of hanjob and description, mentions of bowjob and description.

"Fuck, I'm so tired..." Your friend groaned as he dropped on the couch beside you, hand reaching out to pinch at your sweater, slightly pulling you towards him.

"Rough day?" You snickered, giving in and leaning on his side, his arms immediately encasing you against his chest, squeezing you once and sighing. That kind of coziness was usual with you two, knowing each other since your teenage years. It had something else mixed with it, you had to admit, but it was easy to ignore that itch and avoid risking that friendship.

Though discreet teasing wasn't beyond any of you.

"Yeah, my whole body hurts, who would have thought producing songs could stress someone out like this." He rolled his eyes tiredly, head tipping back to the couch. You couldn't help to stare at his jaw and neck, having the urge to press your lips on the skin and discover what sound Jaebum would make, what would happen next. But again, you kept it to yourself in favor of friendship.

"Do you want a massage or something?" You still offered, knowing he enjoyed a shoulder rub sometimes and making an excuse to put your hands on him. It wasn't like you had ulterior motives every time, just that you did see the pros and cons of your actions.

Jaebum shook his head. "No, I just want to stay still for a bit, recharge my spirits." You smiled as he pulled you closer, making you rest your head at his chest, the steady rythm of his heart your personal favorite beat.

"You know, I'd advise you to take a bath and go beat one off, but you're very comfy," you joked, hearing him bark a laugh and shake his head at you.

"Why do I feel like that comes from experience, hm?" He looked down at you,  a smirk playing in the corner of his lips.

"Because it does. An orgasm really does the trick, you know." You stared matter-of-fact, trying to keep a serious expression on, but failing miserably as you held your gaze for just a couple seconds. He

"Must be nice. But I'm too lazy to move my arm right now,"

"I could do it for you, if you want,"

"... What?"

"What?"

"Did you just offer me a handjob?" He turned his body to face you in surprise, one of his legs bending in front of him, unconsciously pushing you away.

"I mean it's a joke," you shrugged awkwardly, face burning as you tried to look away from his now falling expression.

"Oh..." And the disappointment was so clear on his voice that you felt compelled to look back, swallowing dryly.

"Unless..."

There was silence. For what it felt an eternity, you stared at each other's eyes, trying to grasp the seriousness of the other.

"But what about us-"

"This doesn't have to change anything if you don't want to," you started, pulling away from his body, putting some space in between your bodies to properly look at his face. Jaebum had his jaw slack as he stared back at you, shock completely stamped on his face. "W-we can even pretend I've never said anyth- Oh dear." You almost choked as your eyes glanced downwards, meeting a very prominent outline straining against your best friend's jeans.

"I don't think I'm able to forget what you've said at this point, Y/N." His voice was low, eyes never leaving your face. You breathed out almost... Relieved in a way, grin tugging at the corner of your lips.

Slowly you crawled back to him, closing the small gap back again, kneeling in front of him. "Okay then Im Jaebum, I'm going to touch you."

You were able to see his face finally relaxing as he nodded, eyelids lowering as he pressed one elbow on the armrest behind him, leaning the weight of his torso on it, stretching the previously bent leg beside you and, efficiently putting himself at your mercy. You had to bit your lower lip while admiring the image in front of you as you touched his knees, sliding your palms upwards.

"Fuck," you heard him curse under his breath, your fingers barely reaching the now twitching bulge. It made you smile, ego swelling in your chest to see Jaebum this riled up about whatever you would do to him.

Ignoring the silent beg to be touched properly you kept your way up his torso, breaching his shirt and feeling soft skin under your fingertips, teasing it with your nails just to test the waters, get to really know what would drive him insane. Jaebum sighed as he saw you had no intentions of giving in just yet, closing his eyes and enjoying your exploring.

In a sudden move, you flicked his nipples lighty, making his eyes shoot open and gasp, about to ask what you were doing, but you quickly drew back, giving a firm squeeze to his crotch and immediately making him hiss at the sudden contact, even if still over the clothes.

"Y/N, pl- C'mon..." His frustrated tone shouldn't please you so much, the way he pinched his shirt discreetly, eyes pleading.

"Sheesh, a girl can't have her fun..." You joked under your breath, not even trying to hide the wide grin on your lips as you looked back up again, meeting his glare.

Getting back to your task, you struggled a little with his belt before yanking it open, starting to get eager yourself to unwrap him. You glanced at Jaebum again, finding him focused on your hands with a bitten lower lip and breathing heavily, only hitching quietly when you were able to pop his button and drag the ziper down.

"Raise your hips a little please," you asked, voice faltering as he looked up at you again. Jaebum almost made you feel nervous, wasn't for how aroused you were already by just his expressions.

As he did as you requested, you made quick work of both the jeans and boxers underneath, tugging them down in a swift movement, just enough that his erection sprung free, slapping up his clothed stomach. Both you and Jaebum cursed quietly. You could only imagine how his cock was before but somehow the real thing was better. More fitting.

Tentatively, you wrapped one hand around the shaft and gave it a small squeeze, watching as Jaebum tensed immediately, gaze trained on your movements.

"Feels so hard Bomie," you tried to speak, licking your lips in an attempt to make your mouth work properly. "Does it hurt?"

"Hah- A little," he cleared his throat, also having some issues with communication. "On the tip..." He pointed out and as if by prompting you moved your hand up, caressing the pointed out part, smearing the precum that already oozed from the head. Jaebum hummed pleased with your ministrations, giving you the last of confidence you needed to really get your hands on him.

Wrapping both of your hands around his cock you started to jerk him slowly at first, putting some pressure on his tip and dragging long groans from his throat, Jaebum gradually getting louder as you made him feel good.

"F-fuck feels good Y/N," he started when your pace got random. "Your hands on my cock, shit, so damn good!" He grunted, closing his eyes and you observed his face, noticing sweat starting to form on top of his furrowed brows.

"You wanna cum already? You can cum whenever, I wanna make you feel good, m'kay?" You reassured him but Jaebum shook his head.

"No, 'm not cumming yet." He stated, and you weren't sure if he was telling you or trying to convince himself of that. His dick throbbed in your hands flushed red, and you wanted nothing more to make him release, feel his cum stain your hands, your face...

"Jaebum," you called him, forcing him to open his eyes and look at you in a haze, lower lip caged between his teeth. "I want to taste you, so bad."

For a second you noticed he didn't know what to do, eyes shaking and lips gaping before your friend nodded brokenly, down to whatever you wanted to do to him by that point.

You were trying to keep in control, on the back of your mind thinking that going too deep with the whole thing would be bad. But by then you too were barely stopping yourself from straddling him and letting Jaebum have your way with you.

Scooting back a little, you focused on his cock and practically salivated as you leaned closer. This was to be etched in your memory forever, the stare Jaebum was giving you, looking so fucked out already as he sat up straighter to watch you better, fingers running over his tousled locks.

"Hnng- Holy sh-" you could physically feel the shudder that ran over his body when your lips wrapped around his tip, suckling experimentally. You hummed at the tang of his precum, eyes falling close  as you lowered further, tongue flattening on his length.

"Y/N, damn- That's so good hah," Jaebum straight up moaned, one if his hands shooting to the back of your head, just as a reflex. "Just like that, that's it!"

His sounds had your gut twisting and tingling, so much it was hard to avoid moaning around his cock every time the tip hit the back of your throat. You could feel his fingers twitching on your hair, eager to control your movements, fuck your mouth on his cock.

The breaking point was your fingers reaching his balls, delicately rolling the heavy loaded organ in your hand, causing his hips to jut upwards, the other hand finally joining in the back of your head and grabbing at your hair carelessly, pressing you down till your nose was pressed to his base.

"Y/N I'm- I'm gonna fuck your mouth I need to mmh cum in your pretty mouth," you forced yourself to keep your eyes open to look at Jaebum as he thrusted up shallowly into your mouth, grunting nonsense with every thrust. You were gagging, spit pooling at the sides of your lips by then, eyes teary with the invasion. But in a weird way, it felt so good to see him loosing his mind over you. 

The closer he was to sweet release, the louder he got. Among moans he changed your name, forcing your head deeper down as you struggled to keep a pace between sucking and laving his cock, that throbbed hard inside your mouth. And you wanted nothing more to see him finish, so you tried the move that for him crazy one more time, fingers touching delicate skin before grabbing at the sensitive organs and rolling them carefully, watching Jaebum trash and tremble with his head thrown back, mouth slack as he breathed hard.

"I'm - fuck - cumming! I'm cum- hngah shit I love you I'm cumming Y/N, fuck fuh!" And as foretold, ribbons of thick cum started coating the inside of your mouth while you tried to swallow, helping his high with a lazy hand stroking at his base.

You heard what he said, you heard the confession but, in the midst of an orgasm it was really easy to say those things, to blurt enhanced feelings.

"I said it, didn't I?"

"What? You said a lot of thing, Boomie," you tried to play dumb, cleaning the corners of your lips with your thumb, feeling a sorta welcome soreness in your jaw.

Not a man of patience, Jaebum groaned in frustration and pulled you by the arm, and hadn't you held on his shoulders, you would have tipped off the couch. But there was no time to complain of his roughness when his lips pressed against yours, skin a little cold from the recent climax, his still trembling hands reaching to grip your face and keep you there, stunned, till you found the way to breathe again and sighed against his lips, finally kissing him back.

Before the exchange got deeper Jaebum pulled away, still holding your face as he pressed his forehead to yours.

"Please let's not ignore this happened. Be with honest me, Y/N."

"Jaebum you-"

"I know. I know you think I said that because of the moment, but I already loved you before. I couldn't hold it any longer."

You opened your eyes to look at him, smiling a little as you moved to hold his sides. "That's what he said," you joked, making him roll his eyes and groan.

"Look I love you but shut up and kiss me," Jaebum scoffed, pressing his lips back to yours again and you chuckled, responding to the request by wrapping your arms around his neck.

_____________________________________

drabbles/scenarios

[yakocchi]

The Bewitching Full Moon // Count

smh they’re never gonna release points-based event cards ever again are they guess I gotta make my own 5-min headers

This event is another one of those “His POV” events. I guess the reception on those has been very positive (which, good, bc I like them too) so they’re pushing them out more and more. They’ve also been pushing the envelope on these ooh lala so sexi ma gah stories with these scandalous avatars. yea sexy ok w/e but are they fashionable? idk abt that one chief... and according to the twitter surveys the community has been comparatively lukewarm too. I mean if they’re gonna make event avatars harder to get why are they getting uglier man

also holy crap the resulting doc for this thing got really long i hope tumblr doesn’t destroy me copypasta

edit: here comes me “slept on it” day after edit, fixed formatting issues and grammar errors that stuck out. if it made it even worse imma cry-

Spoilers under the cut! Please credit if you take any of it, thenk u (･ω･*) image-heavy!

Under the full moon, which shimmered with an ominous violet light - a single stagecoach wheeled through the city. (I wonder how many times it has been where I’ve left the manse like this with her.) I sneak a glance to my side, and gaze at Kara’s dress-clad form. (Dress, shoes, gloves, necklace, hair ornaments...) (I give you every single object, article to wear - and with that you are dyed in my color.) (I experienced that joy even before, but...) Now that we have become lovers, that joy is becoming more and more difficult to come by. (Whenever I look at you, there is this emotion - one that is difficult to put into words - that surges within me.) (Frankly, I try my best to simply suppress it.) (...Well, there is particularly something that is too much to entirely subdue.) I recall that sweet sensation of the very moment where I get to strip off the dress I give her– While deep in my thoughts, a smile cracks my features.

count: the joy from dressing her up is becoming rarer me: ? o whys that count: bc the horny supersedes it me: sir

[Kara]: “Count?” (Oops- if she learned of the things like the carnal passions I bear, she would surely grow disillusioned with me.) [Count]: “It’s nothing. You are just so stunning that a smile eased onto my face.” [Kara]: “D-Don’t play around, please…” As if to hide her face, she lightly puts her hands on her cheeks. She takes small breaths, apparently to temper her heart, before looking up again.

[Kara]: “Um… Tonight’s banquet is opening quite late, isn’t it?” The typical banquet opens its curtains at approximately sunset, where the usual routine is to have dinner together before taking pleasure in dancing and chitchat. However, the time now is already past 10. (Will this be your first time going to this type of evening gathering?) [Count]: “There are nobles who grow tired of the same old pattern of the typical party.” [Count]: “So occasionally, evening parties with fascinating themes appear.” [Kara]: “Fascinating themes’?” [Count]: “Costume parties, calling on an acrobat…” [Count]: “Which reminds me of this one gathering where all the lights of the mansion were to be off. It was quite the fascinating party, yes.” [Count]: “Well, now I’m wondering what tonight’s party will be like.” [Kara]: “Hehe, I’m looking forward to it.” (Whenever you so innocently accept the circumstances at hand like this– because it’s you, I get worried. But...)

With a hand I quietly turn her waist towards me, and bring my lips to her ear. [Count]: “I don’t mind if you enjoy yourself, but I would like if you could firmly avoid being careless.” [Count]: “As in these kinds of parties, the dangers lie hidden.” [Kara]: “What do you mean by ‘dangers’…?” She quietly stares at me, visibly failing to catch the meaning behind my words. [Count]: “In a space separated from everyday life, reason easily crumbles away.” [Count]: “And when instinct conquers reason, the floor changes into a hunting ground for love.” I smoothly stroke her back and hug her waist. [Kara]: “Coun-…“ [Count]: “I do not have even the slightest intention to present my adorable lover to such wolves.”

[Count]: “Because you only belong to me, after all.” [Kara]: “—Nn,” I wrap my arm around her body that had slightly jumped, and as if to engrave my touch I press my lips against hers. [Count]: “…So that you will absolutely not separate from me. Understood?” [Kara]: “…Under, stood…” [Count]: “—Good girl.” I narrow my eyes in satisfaction at her answer, and intertwine our hands against my knee.

(Back before we became lovers, I feel that I still had my wits about me.) (So it was quite unexpected of me to become brimming with emotion like this from simply spending time after time together.) (But, tonight… it has become more difficult than usual to tie down…) I shift my gaze to the window, and the moon that floats in the sky above radiates this violet. (—It couldn’t be… Well.)

When we step inside the noble’s mansion, a different world stretched before us. The saloon was colored a brilliant red, and several tables had been arranged in a line where aristocrats entertained themselves with card games and roulette.

[Count]: “So you’re surprised by the casino.” [Kara]: “Wow… I’ve seen Arthur and the others play these sort of games, but this is the first time I’ve ever set foot in a place like this.” [Kara]: “So there can even be things like casinos in the parties of nobles, huh?” [Count]: “In the beginning, gambling was an activity popular within the elite. So it has been as much as a long time for me too.”

“get it cuz im old as fuuuu”

Her eyes swelled of fresh expectations as she looks around the saloon. (We came here to enjoy ourselves, so yes, I would like you to have fun. To be honest, I would rather not teach you how to play the more dubious games, but…) (If it’s just something like cards, there shouldn’t be a problem.) While I survey the surroundings, right in the direction of the bar counter a voice calls out to me.

[Baron]: “Ah, the Count. It has been a while.” [Baroness]: “After this we’re playing a bit of poker, but would you like to join us?” I turn my eyes to see a baron who I was acquainted with and his wife beckoning me over. [Count]: “Kara, would you like to try?” [Kara]: “I only know the very basic rules, but I’ll try.” [Count]: “I’ll teach you, then.”

[Count]: “…And with that, I have shown you more or less the fundamental rules– but is there anything else that you may be confused about?” [Kara]: “I think I’ll be okay from here…!” [Count]: “Then, let’s put it into practice.” [Kara]: “Please go easy on me.” [Baron]: “Well, young miss, when it comes to winning or losing there’s no such thing as leniency.” [Baroness]: “Oh, you! You shouldn’t scare such an adorable little lady like that.” During our pleasant chatter, the cards are dealt before the four of us and we each check our individual hands. (A King, another King, a Three, a Seven, and a Jack… With only these, I can form One Pair with my Kings. A rather mediocre hand.) (Or, I could discard the other three cards and aim for a Three of a Kind?) (Well then. And Kara…?) While maintaining a poker face, I slide a glance and— [Kara]: “…” Within the tension her cheeks were slightly flushed red, and her mouth was shaped into a faint smile. (It appears that good cards have come to her.) (…But I probably should have also taught her the techniques of forming a poker face.) Though subtly smiling bitterly, I pleasantly watched my beloved to whom I shall compete with in her first poker game – She was fixated on the five cards in her hand before suddenly lifting her eyes. The moment our eyes met…—

(Huh…?) Almost in slow motion, my fingers move… [Count]: “—kgh,”

My fingers pick out the two Kings from my hand and throw them into the muck without a moment's hesitation. (Why, am I acting like…) (For a moment, it was almost as if someone had taken over my body—) Akin to a marionette, my actions had disregarded my own will. In my centuries of living, it was the first time I had ever experienced anything like that. (Just what on Earth was…) 

[Baroness]: “My, it’s rare for the Count to lose his poker face like that.” [Count]: “Perhaps it’s also all just an act?” [Baron]: “As you’d expect from the Count, you can’t underestimate him.” While playfully exchanging banter, my consciousness was once more preoccupied with some thorough reflection. What rose from my mind was the suspicious moon that had risen in the sky. (—The “purple moon”.) Much like tonight - once every several centuries, there is a night where moon gives off a violet light. (That moonlight sharpens the vampiric senses, and additionally…) (On the night of the shining purple moon, vampires cannot oppose their loved ones.) As for my loved ones, it is undeniably Kara. (In other words, tonight my body is – controlled by Kara.)

If this is the case, then it would explain the cryptic behavior from just a minute ago. (If I cannot go against her wishes…) (Right when I met her eyes, it is highly probable that she had wished to beat me.) I turn over the new cards that were dealt to me in exchange for my discarded ones. (An Eight, and a King.) (If I hadn’t thrown away those Kings, I would have formed a Three of a Kind...)

[Count]: “…It appears I’m out of luck.” I line up my random assortment of cards by suit and place them down on the table. [Baroness]: “Hehe, I have One Pair.” [Baron]: “I also have One Pair.” [Kara]: “I have a Three of a Kind.” She breaks into a cheerful smile and reveals her hand. [Count]: “It seems that Lady Luck is smiling upon you.” [Kara]: “Hehe… it seems like it.” From that carefree smile, a sweet feeling spreads within the depths of my heart.  (The real thrill of poker is supposed to be the psychological warfare, but) (When you are so innocently delighted I seem to forget all about that.) (This is not entirely the way I would have wanted it, but I got to see something lovely.)

And so, as the game continued— …In the end, I was unable to outplay her. [Baron]: “It surprised me to see the Count so clumsy at poker.” [Baron]: “Are you up for another round?” [Count]: “Please forgive me, but I cannot afford to display such an unsightly side of myself in front of my beloved anymore.” [Baroness]: “Miss Kara, I had fun with you tonight.” [Kara]: “Me too. Thank you for inviting me to play.” We leave the table, and I call on a waiter dressed in black to halt for me. [Count]: “May I have two glasses of champagne?” Receiving the pair of flutes, I hold out one of them to Kara. [Count]: “For your victory.”

[Count]: “So, for the occasion, shall we have a toast somewhere?” [Kara]: “Yes, of course… Um, where are we going?” [Count]: “How about someplace like the balcony?” [Count]: “With your first poker victory, it is a special night.” [Count]: “I want to have a quiet toast between just the two of us.” [Kara]: “O-Okay…”

Between the two of them, the honey-colored champagne sways in the glasses as if to mark the beginning of a sweet night…

Clinking our glasses, the champagne bubbles rise to the surface. [Count]: “Congratulations. Even to the end, I just couldn’t beat you.”

or rather “Congratulations - For I couldn’t win (over you) even at the end.” but that sounds kind of shady hm

[Kara]: “Thank you, but I definitely just got lucky there.” [Kara]: “I guess there really is such a thing as beginner’s luck, huh.” [Count]: “You say that, but you still seem rather happy about it?” I set my glass down and stroke her grinning cheeks with my fingertips to poke fun at them. [Count]: “Are you really that pleased about besting me?” [Kara]: “This is the first time I’ve ever won against the Count with something, so naturally I’m happy about it…”

lol i know they mean by “winning” in the general sense but i like to think they’ve played several types of games together and he just never lets her win

(You are truly not wearing a poker face of any kind right now.) (Even when you do try to hide it, it’s clearly apparent when you are thinking about something else.) [Count]: “But that’s not all, is it?” (I know that you wanted to beat me because the light of the purple moon had affected my body to do so.) (You so deeply wanted, from the bottom of your heart, to win - so I want to know the real reason behind it.) [Count]: “Come, truthfully confess to me.” [Kara]: “I can’t let anything slip past you, it seems…”

She’s at a bit of a loss for words before slowly looking up at me to possibly gauge my expression. [Kara]: “The truth is… back from when you kissed me in the carriage, I had been thinking about it.” [Count]: “That you wanted to beat me in something?” [Kara]: “Yes. At the time, while I was trying my hardest to calm my heartbeat…” [Kara]: “You, however, maintained your composed, collected face, right?” [Kara]: “That moment today wasn’t the only time it’s been like that; ever since we’ve become lovers, it has happened so many times that it’s impossible to count…” She tightly bites her lip. [Kara]: “I just can’t compete with someone like you.” [Kara]: “But then I thought with something like poker, I could perhaps win with luck on my side.”

[Kara]: “Since I’ve always been the one being toyed with…” [Kara]: “Tonight, I thought… that I wanted to see the Count’s– see Abel’s, restless face…”

At that moment, I realized the consequences I had wrought from my prying – but it was already too late. The instant she shot through me with those eyes blurred with shyness, I could hear the sound of my reason shattering into pieces…

[Count]: “kgh—” (—I cannot fight it.) (Kara, I want to… No, I need – to take you.)

So I changed this entirely bc there’s no English equivalent. The original line can be literally translated as “Kara, I want to take you… no, take you.” What he does is change the pronoun he uses for “you” (kimi → omae) to signal the change in the level of intimacy. With most people (mansion residents, people in general) the Count uses “kimi”. Though with those who know him at a closer level, like Leonardo and Vlad, he uses “omae”. (Mostly) men are only really supposed to use “omae” with people they’re close to or it comes off as rude. This is significant with the Count and MC’s relationship because he begins to refer to her as “omae” when they’re alone together (and thus wants to make a point about how personal it is) once they reciprocate their feelings in Chapter… 24(?). The writers are more than aware of this, because all of the Count’s His POV stories in his route are titled 「君○○」 “kimi ____” but the His POV titles for the Endings use “omae”.

[Kara]: “—gh, Abel…” When I strongly embrace her, from the corner of my eye I catch sight of the moon in its sheen of purple light. Paired with this boiling sensation in my blood, I once again realize the meaning of my existence. [Count]: “…As you desire, I shall become just a man for you.” [Kara]: “A, bel…? —Mn, nn…” I steal her lips, as if to take away all of her warmth. (Just simple touches are not enough.) I draw her head closer and entangle our tongues to steal those lips even deeper. (What’s this - it’s sweet… from the scent, the touch, and the taste…) However, my hunger was not sated even by this kiss. (More - I want to taste you, more…) I pull her waist towards me and capture her tongue that had attempted to escape in a fluster. Dominated by instinct, like a starved beast I devour her lips.

(…Seeking her in this way, in an unknown place where someone could come, what in God’s name is wrong with me?) The remains of my reason murmur from the edge of my mind. But, contrary to those feelings, there was a certain kind of a pleasure intoxicating my heart. (The sense of my reason being thrown aside… is this sweet, hm…?) My fingertips, in their longing for her, slowly ride up the hem of her dress.

sir this is a community balcony i’m gonna need you to take yourself out

[Kara]: “Ngh… A, bel…”

[Count]: “Whether to accept or refuse me, is up to you.”

PREMIUM ENDING

The “purple moon” sharpens the vampire’s senses, and additionally– a vampire’s body that basks in its moonlight shall be dominated by their loved ones. [Kara]: “Since I’m always the only one being toyed with…” [Kara]: “Tonight, I thought… that I wanted to see the Count’s– see Abel’s, restless face…” —A loved one’s wishes, for tonight, can be granted under this moon that emits this mysterious light. My fingertips, in their longing for her, slowly ride up the hem of her dress. [Kara]: “Ngh… A, bel…” [Count]: “Whether to accept or refuse me, is up to you.”

Releasing her lips from our deep kiss, I securely hug her from behind and place her hands against the balcony. [Kara]: “Abel, what are…?” The eyes that look over the shoulder quiver in confusion. (Right now, as instinct overwhelms me... I want to take you.) [Count]: “Show me that disheveled form of yours some more.” A hand glides upwards to approach her chest, and wraps around her breast through the silk of the fabric. [Kara]: “Nnn… Abel,” [Count]: “It’s all right. I shall hide you in a way that no else can see.” [Count]: “Even for myself, I do not intend to show that sweet expression of yours to other men.” [Kara]: “That’s not the…” Her eyes were widened, and moistened with shame. [Count]: “And just who was the one who said that they wanted to see my restless face?” [Kara]: “That’s...” The adorable figure of my beloved, trapped with lowered eyes, also makes a bewitching pleasure sharply simmer within me. (If I happened to look into a mirror right now… Without a doubt, I would see that the face I’m wearing is far from that of a gentleman.) [Count]: “I know that you also want to learn of these indecent pleasures, hm?” [Kara]: “I…—nn,” To cut off her words, I rub the peaks of her breasts against the silk with the pads of my fingers. [Kara]: “ah- Mn…” [Count]: “To the point where I can find that out immediately— harden them for me.” [Count]: “Not wanting to know this pleasure... you don’t seem that way at all, or am I mistaken?” (Because of the purple moon, I cannot go against her wishes tonight.) (If she truly didn’t want this, I wouldn’t be able to even lay a finger on her.) (Since I am able to touch her, this means—)

[Count]: “…You truly, want me to forcibly take you, don’t you?” Burying my face onto her nape I move my fingers to agitate her, her body trembling within me. Desperately biting her lip, she stifles her sweet voice. (Whatever it is that you are thinking, I will quite distinctly know what it is.) (Because the one controlling me, is you yourself…) I rub her with my fingers again, and she twists her back with a shudder. [Kara]: “Hah, ah…” [Count]: “It seems that you are feeling it more than usual.” [Count]: “To seek a thrill like this, what a bad girl you are.”

[Count]: “But, if you don’t keep that voice down, you will be heard, no?” [Kara]: “Ha, ah- But… I can’t… hold o-…” [Count]: “There’s no other choice, then.” The corners of my lips raise into an elegant smile before I lift her chin. [Count]: “I’ll stifle it for you.” [Kara]: “Mn, uhn…” Continuing to lovingly caress her breast in one hand I press my lips to hers, providing even more heat. A voice laced with temptation spills out from her wetted lips. [Kara]: “A…bel… if you do, any more than this, I…” [Count]: “Then if I do any more than this, what will happen?” [Kara]: “Don’t bully me…” Her lovely voice cries out between the light brushes of our lips, and my chest sweetly tightens from the sound. (This appetite will not be satisfied until I make her wholly mine.) [Count]: “Do you take me for a man who only teases and leaves you unfulfilled?”

[Count]: “I shall stain your entire body with pleasure.”

…In a certain room. I slip off my coats, vest, tie, and finally shirt to reveal my bare skin…While I fling them onto the sofa one by one, I lead Kara in the direction of the bed. (The part where I drive her to the corner like this… is exceptional tonight.)

[Kara]: “Ah…” Hitting the edge of the bed, she casts her eyes down as there is nowhere else to go. [Count]: “…Got you.” I capture her beloved body into my arm’s embrace, and slowly push her down onto the bed. [Count]: “In here, you can be as loud as you like.” [Kara]: “But… is it okay to use this room as you please…?” [Count]: “When we arrived tonight we had talked about the themes of evening parties, correct?” I move my hand from stroking her blooming cheeks to press a fingertip against her lips. [Count]: “For those who wish to indulge in something rather risqué for the night, they prepare rooms like this.” [Count]: “So I shall receive this room for use with my humble gratitude.” I unravel the ribbon on the back, and the silk dress almost seemed to glide off her shoulder as it fell down.

(I do like to beautifully dress you up – but stripping you down with my own two hands also sends my heart racing.) [Kara]: “gh…” I seize her hands that were about to cover her chest and pin them to the sheets. [Count]: “Without hiding anything, show yourself to me.” Her exposed skin became shamefully dyed with the hue of roses before my very eyes. This color, teeming with vitality, made my vampiric instincts ache painfully.

[Kara]: “n-no… It’s embarrassing…” [Count]: “Then, if I stop looking… I shall have a taste instead.” I meet her breasts and crawl the tip of my tongue along the peak. [Kara]: “Ah, aah… Abel… Mn,” She pushes against my chest in light resistance. But before long her resistance had ceased, and gradually changed to that of her disheveled sighs and sweet gasps. [Count]: “It seems that you’ve become quite honest with yourself.” [Kara]: “To be loved like this – I have no choice but to be honest, right…?” [Kara]: “As tonight will be the only time I’ll get to know of your ferocious emotions…”

My mind is suddenly drawn to her wording. (Does she know about the purple moon…?) But I cannot imagine that she would know about something like a rare phenomenon that occurs only once every several centuries. I stare at her as if to look into her heart, and our eyes meet.

[Kara]: “More… Please, lose yourself to me, more…” (If she does know about the purple moon, and thus is purposefully provoking me, then…) [Count]: “What a naughty girl. Do you want to ruin my composure that badly?” [Kara]: “Yes…” The Count’s body is completely, sweetly steeped in her words, and as if it were alcohol his reason gradually dissolved. (Right now, even the words that I always shower her with will not come out.) For his heart was dominated only by the instinct of a vampire, and only by the instinct to love her as a man. [Count]: “I want to cast away my morality and reason, and just love you.”

FIN

this guy…………is a lot. i thought maybe everyone would be like this for the event but no, leo only gets weird bc essentially his mc was dumb enough to try to pick up broken shards of glass with her bare hands (im not trying to shame her… but i am) and then it’s not really isaac’s fault when he already has the worst bloodthirst out of all of them so sir step into the paddy wagon, the horni police will question u shortly

anyway tl;dr the sweet ending has the mc reveal to him early that she knew what the purple moon does to vampires in terms of the heightened vampire senses and crud but not the obedience to loved ones so he tells her blah blah romanceu talk but he still wants to bone and so they go home to do it instead. 

Make sure to purchase the Epilogue when you have the chance! It’s good stuff ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

So, thanks for reading! (`･ω･´) Sorry if it’s hard to parse through. there’s a reason why editing is a job people get paid for orz

[hwanuels]

l.jn: just shoot your shot

summary: can jeno just be confident in himself? pls? pretty pls? 

pairing: student-athlete!jeno x tutor! (fem) reader

warning: PROCEED WITH CAUTION! GRAMMAR MISTAKES! AND CRACKHEADS! ALSO CURSING! i’m back and i’m not dead so here’s some athlete!jeno that everyone was looking forward too. just a reminder, this is apart of my collab with @huangsren so check out her art-hoe! renjun and childhood-friend! chenle in our dreamies highschool au. i’m not really satisfied with this piece compared to my other two. hopefully, this still slaps. also, there will be for sure a second part to this so yuh. enjoy. 

okay so let’s get this straight lee jeno is THAT guy whose in like all of the sports teams on campus 

basketball, baseball, football, soccer, track and field, cross country, pickleball, etc he’s on them all 

he was deadass about to join the cheerleading team just so he could have the clout of being on all of the teams 

ngl imagine a cheerleader!jeno,,,hell yeah that’s my shit

but he didn’t bc he isn’t as big of a crackhead as one like to think

jeno has the reputation of the silent cold guy, but in actuality is a big FLOOF ball especially with his close friends (aka jaemin) 

he’s well-liked by everyone bc he’s hecka nice once they look pass that cold exterior and he’s realllly hot.

just picture sweaty!jeno after practice using his shirt to wipe off his sweat allowing everyone to have a glimpse of his abs. 

sign me the fuck up

he’s just extremely shy and socially awkward so he doesn’t really know how to interact w people when he meets them for the first time so a lot of people just think he’s that distant, angsty type 

it still shocks a shit ton of people when they find out he’s best friends with the social butterfly/ fboi! jaemin but don’t get him wrong bc he doesn’t go around town breaking hearts left and right like his best buddy does

as much as jeno likes to deny it, he is a ROMANTICIST

way back in freshmen year, jeno was captivated by a teenage romance which he blames ara (from fucq-boi! jaemin au) for roping him into all those barbies and chick-flick movies. 

like his heart flutters at the idea of his significant other wearing his jersey to his games or sharing a milkshake at the local ice cream parlor,,,he wants to give them his hoodie and cuddle on the couch (hopefully watching barbie princess charm school) 

BABY BOY JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED ! 

but he doesn’t want it to be superficial like what jaemin does 

he highly disapproves of jaemin’s casanova ways

jaemin is probably really glad about the bros before hoes rule bc he would have lost jeno a long time ago with all of the girls he goes through 

jeno knows that love is a delicate thing and should be treated seriously which is why he’s so against jaemin’s date and ditch 

and jeno wants to be in a relationship! but he can’t bc he has like NO time for the lovey-dovey highschool bs (also bc he’s highkey scared that he might ruin any relationship he gets himself into)  

the boy has back to back practice from all the sports he decided to take on

on multiple occasions, different practice times interfere with each other and instead of just missing one like he SHOULD, jeno decided to take em both on at the same time

catch him sprinting from the soccer field to the football field back and forth in between break times

one time, basketball and swimming practice collided w each other so jeno thought it was smart to go back and forth from the school’s pool to the gym after he’d finish a 1000M IM set and shot at least 15 3-pointers 

let’s just say he flashed a lot of people, running half-naked with only his drag suit on when he forgot to put on his sweatpants in one of his runs back and forth

art-hoe! renjun never lets him live it down much to his embarrassment 

“remember that one-time jeno displayed his junk to the whole student body? good times, good times” 

cue jeno throwing a pencil at renjun or chasing him down the halls 

jeno’s abs were the talk of the school for at least a whole month and our boi had red cheeks every time he heard someone talk about it 

because of that jeno double-checks, quadruple-checks to make sure that his pants are on before booking it to the gym to shoot hoops 

ALSO 

another reason why a lot of people find jeno so intimidating and hard to approach was bc of the fight that happened between his ex-friend! stoner-boi!haechan sophomore year

no one expected that the calm, seemingly unbothered jeno could throw punches that hard. it was like he transformed into the hulk or something 

except jeno didn’t like the new reputation he gained over a stupid fight with his once close friend. 

there’s one nasty habit that jeno can’t seem to let go of no matter how much jaemin and renjun tell him to fix

the boy holds onto grudges like there’s no tomorrow

there was one time where jaemin had to borrow jeno’s phone for something and he accidentally dropped it

“hey can i borrow your phone to call someone? mine’s dead.” jaemin asked him.

“no, last time i gave it to you, you cracked it” 

“dude! it was one time” 

“say that to my cracked screen” 

“for goodness sake, jeno, i only cracked your screen protector!” 

“still you broke it”

yeah, jaemin never got to use jeno’s phone ever again. 

someone didn’t give back the pencil he lent them? he doesn’t even look in their direction until jaemin nags him enough to just let it go 

which is probably why he and haechan still vehemently hate each other even though renjun and jaemin are ready to go talk things out with haechan 

some part deep down insides knows he should just let it go and actually talk things out with haechan on why he initiated the fight bc haechan was once someone jeno considered as a bro 

and jeno doesn’t give out bro passes as easily 

he just doesn’t know how to approach haechan or if haechan would even be willing to talk it through 

it’s kinda sad how the two of them don’t even look each other in the eye or acknowledged each other existence anymore 

other than that jeno is practically flawless, jk 

as much as he is very enthusiastic in physical education, when it comes to math, science, etc, jeno is basically flunking. like borderline passing in all of his classes 

he was for sure failing math though which is a HUGE problem…bc to stay on any team sport, he CAN’T be failing a class 

which is why jeno was currently spending his free period, in the library, furiously erasing his wrong answer for the problem he tried multiple times to solve. it was the first math problem on the remedial work packet that his math teacher gave him for extra practice. 

even his friend, smartass renjun gave up on helping him and went to go toy around with his telescope, going on a tangent about renjun’s alien conspiracies theories.

if only jeno could have renjun’s genius brain, life would be so much easier

slamming his head on the table, jeno let out a low groan of frustration at whoever decided that it was a good idea to mix number and letters together.  

“dude, can you not?” he heard someone say from next to him. 

he lifted his head to take a peek…and this is where you come in, glaring at him with murder on your mind 

jeno’s just staring at you and the fool does not recognize you at all 

NCT High isn’t a big place either so he would have come across you once or twice, but you were simply a new face to him. 

you, at this point, grew annoyed at the boy who was just shameless staring at you. 

“is there something on my face?” you asked with a raised eyebrow 

slowly he shakes his head ‘no’ 

“keep it down, i’m trying to sleep” you warned him before laying your arms now with your head resting on it, faced away from jeno. 

jeno, who was awe-struck for second at your frank personality, decided that it was time to have another go at the problem and looked at it again

yeah there was no way in hell he was going to be able to solve it, he was too fucking lost 

atm jeno is like .000000001 seconds away from having a mental breakdown because if he doesn’t pass his test this friday he’s going to be benched and if he fails the class then he loses his status of team captain and his spot on the soccer team which he cannot afford to bc it was SENIOR year and he should be living in all of his sports glory right now 

and what if he can’t graduate? he can’t be a super senior like lucas wong like nooo that can definitely not happen

literally, jeno, stop freaking out - sincerely admin minnie

suddenly while he was having an overthinking session, his paper and pencil were taken away from him. he watches as the culprit (you) quickly solve the problems on the piece of paper in record time with wide eyes

letting out a small huff, you gave him back the paper wordlessly before going back to your previous sleeping positions hoping to get back to your precious nap time. your actions leaving jeno’s mouth opened in awe as his eyes glances back and forth between the answer sheets and the ones you provided him, both matching up perfectly with no mistake 

he looks back at your sleeping form and wonders if you’re an actual prodigy like renjun 

but jeno also feels really bad for disturbing your nap so he lets you be and tries to quietly work on the other problems and review how you solved the ones he had trouble on earlier 

except he’s even more confused bc there was more numbers and letters;; no comprendo 

jeno’s brain: ajadkf;dskjhg;ajdsvf;

he contemplates ask you for help or a basic explanation since there was no way that jeno learned how to solve that in class (he did, he just slept through the lecture because he was dead-beat tired after a heavy soccer practice from the night before) 

jeno’s fear of flunking overweighed his social awkwardness so he pokes you gently with his pencil eliciting a grumpy “what do you want, now?” from you

gulping, jeno mumbles a small “can you help me, i don’t understand how you solved this” 

you looked intently at jeno not answering his questions causing the boy to instantly regret asking, but surprisingly you replied 

“what don’t you get?” you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and shifted towards the male 

“i don’t even know what i don’t know”

i felt that jeno. i felt that. 

he pulls the piece of paper between the two of you and points to a problem that you did with ease 

“oh, so you’re so supposed to…” you launched off into an explanation filled with math terms that adds more to jeno’s confusion 

sensing that jeno still wasn’t understanding, you let out a big sigh 

“sorry, it just doesn’t make sense in my head” jeno admitted shyly

at first, you were gonna say something snappy about how even an eighth-grader could do this problem easily, you held it back because you actually felt bad since jeno was trying so hard

you also weren’t going to deny that lw jeno looked quite cute with that adorable slight pout on his face 

“let’s just take it slow, i’ll explain step by step” 

so you did just that, patiently teaching the methods and theorems to jeno who constantly made that confused noise every time you introduced something new to the table

the two of you worked through five of the worksheets and jeno was actually understanding it! horray! 

you were explaining the last problem to jeno when he stops you with a question that was completely off-topic 

“why are you helping me?” 

it was simple question so you answered it simply. 

“because you looked like you need it.” you shrugged “i was trying to take a nap earlier but it was too loud for me with your constant erasing” 

“sorry” jeno said looking down at his lap, embarrassed that he was a nuisance to you  

you kind felt bad ngl so you quickly reassured him 

“don’t worry about it. you remind me of my idiotic friends, not that you’re an idiot though. actually, no comment.” 

we love a blunt y/n. 

you clicked the pen you were holding and placed it down, “i moved here a couple months ago so i barely know anyone. now that it’s senior year, everyone already has their own friend group so why bother trying to join them?” 

jeno makes another confused noised at your blunt statement. 

you wondered if that particular noise has some type of effect on you due to the fact that you have a sudden urge to explain your situation to the boy you hardly knew for more than the hour

“i used to go to miroh high, but my dad got a transfer here so he decided to enroll me at this school without my say. i left all my friends back there sadly” 

“that sucks,” was all that jeno could say.

damn his inability to socialize like a normal human being. 

you nodded, “yeah, it does, but it’s not that bad. my friends make an effort to come down here most weekend and sometimes i drive up there too.” you turn to look at him and jeno freezes at the sudden eye contact “actually, you remind me of my friend hyunjin. he was kind of a ditz in anything that wasn’t sports” 

“wait, how do you know that i play sports?” jeno asked confused 

“dude, everyone knows that you’re the school’s mvp.” you said as if it’s obvious “you’re not as intimidating as they say you are though.” 

damn it 

he was hoping you had no idea who he was so that could relieve his guilt of not knowing who you were despite being in the same graduating class.

at the same time, he was glad that he seemed to have made a good impression on you  

“don’t worry, i won’t spill your little secret” you gestured to the worksheets which had red pen markings all over it, signs of jeno’s failures. you figured that the school’s star jock didn’t want the school knowing his inability to solve basic 12th-grade math problem 

you reached under the table to grab your backpack, causing jeno to reach a hand out to grasp your wrist 

“wait, where are you going?”

 a part of him was afraid that he was going to forget everything you taught him once you left, but the other part was extremely curious about you and wanted to know more

“i have somewhere to go?” you looked down at his hand and back up at him “you have something else you want to say?” 

sensing that his grip was making you feel uncomfortable, he quickly pulled his hand away. rubbing the back of his neck. he avoids your eyes, opting to stare at your feet instead. 

“this might be a little weird, but can you please tutor me? at least until next week when i have to take my make-or-break test.” jeno plead, embarrassment rushed to his cheeks in the form of a red blush when he realized how desperate he sounded. 

you let out a tiny giggle, totally different from your persona earlier. 

you took his pencil that was laying on the table to scribble something on the corner of his worksheet. patting his shoulder, you quickly left the boy staring at the piece of paper. 

don’t get confused (127) 312-0325 :)

a stupid smile made it’s way onto jeno’s lips as he quickly packed up his things in haste. he practically skips to soccer practice. maybe he even heel-clicked.  

lee jeno is not failing math! 

cute tutor acquired! 

woohoo! 

but also, there’s this weird tingly feeling that jeno has inside. 

he doesn’t know what exactly it was but most likely it’s probably the reason why he was a goofy-ass smile on his face 

“dude, are you okay?” one of his teammates ask after he gets hits in the head with a soccer ball 

jeno, not even fazed by it one bit, just smiles and gives his teammates a big thumbs up 

“coach, i think there’s something wrong with jeno!” 

anyways, that night he’s extremely excited to text you. 

imagine jeno on his bed, laying on his stomach feet up in the air, taking at least an hour to construct a response that doesn’t make him seem lame or a fifty-year-old man like all of his friends say he texts like 

jeno is probably the type of person that texts, with all the correct capitalization and actual punction plus awkward spacing and usage of emojis 

this time he tried to be chill about it

jeno: hey, it’s me, jeno. sorry for bothering you this late at night, but i don’t understand this problem. can you help me pls? 

sent. 

now jeno was currently awaiting your response….however, you don’t reply right away like jeno for some reason expects

he takes the waiting time to scroll through his social media and it’s the usual things he sees every day 

he sees the juniors’ chenle and his weird little friend talking about some sort of prank they’re going to pull, jaemin’s spam post on how he was stuck making prom decorations to fulfill his community service requirements, etc 

however, a sudden post from @/luccasss caught his attention

especially the girl sitting on top of an old blue car with the senior, middle fingers up  

his eyes glance at the caption quickly 

me and my main bitch fucking it up (pc to our little kiddo) 

wait a minute. 

jeno could remember you saying how you didn’t bother making friends w anyone, so what are you doing with the lucas wong? 

now lucas wong doesn’t have that great of a reputation around campus, especially since he was a held back his senior year. he blows off class and jeno has heard that he’s in cahoots with the stoners on campus too 

your account is tagged in the picture and luckily it’s on public, so jeno could secretly and shamefully stalk your page

while looking through your photos, jeno realizes that he really doesn’t know anything about…. you 

tbh he didn’t even know your name until he saw your bio and username. (facepalm @ jeno)

scrolling through your photos, he saw you posing with other boys and girls that he didn’t recognize making him assume that they were your friends from your old school 

his fingers land on a picture where you’re kissing a cheek of ridiculously good looking guy. checking the tag, he sees that it’s a guy whose username was something along the lines of cb_97

imma miss my ddy chan <3!! owo 

as he scrolling through the chan guy’s instagram, jeno becomes more dejected bc maybe he was too deep in his imagination that he got from watching too many dramas with ara 

letting out a sad sigh, jeno clicks his phone off and settles into bed. the more he thinks about it the more he feels insignificant to you which he was. 

for all he knows, he’s just a random kid in the library that you helped with a few math problems 

the next day, jeno walks into school with no pep in his step :( 

and as his certified besties, jaemin and renjun drag him into an empty classroom during lunch prying him to confess what’s got him down in the dumps 

and jeno knows he can’t hide anything from his besties so he just lets it all out 

jaemin, taking a long blink after his bff’s rant to process the newly acquired tea  “wow, bro. you got the feels” 

“exactly,” jeno groans “i only talked to her once! she doesn’t even know me!” 

“she knows you suck at math,” renjun points out 

and jeno threatens to throw a chair at his friend, but jaemin quickly stops him 

“okay, how about you just take it slow? like get to know her and let her get to know you. it could be that you’re just overthinking her kindness for helping you when you were desperate. appreciation is different from admiration” ngl jaemin was kinda-sorta right 

“btw, who is this chick anyway? you haven’t told us who it was” renjun asked, sitting on one of the empty desks  

“y/n, she transferred a couple months ago from miroh” 

renjun abruptly jumps to his feet, “the y/n l/n? the new math teacher’ daughter?” 

“you know her?” jeno quirks an eyebrow 

“dude she’s in my ap calculus class and she has the highest grade, but she never shows up to class,” renjun tells him. “she’s a straight, badass genius” 

jeno feels stupider as renjun continues to list all of your achievements and the art boy makes it seem like all of them were done effortlessly. 

how stupid was he in your eyes when he couldn’t solve regular senior math problems while you were out here solving college-based ones?

now you seem like a person farther and father away from him.

jaemin, his good-ol-buddy knows that jeno is over-analyzing the new information renjun was telling him, and he tries his best to hype is buddy up

“c’mon, you might not be a genius at math but you certainly are on any field, pool, and court. have some confidence!” 

deep down jeno knows that he should listen to his friend and that he should just be more confident in himself, but he can’t shake his feeling of insecurity and doubt 

so the next time he sees you laying on the empty table in the non-fiction section sleeping, he’s a bit more reluctant to approach you. instead, he quietly sits in the seat next to you as he pulls out his practice sheets to work and miserably fail on

except you don’t wake up for a looong time until jeno accidentally sneezes too loud, causing you to awaken

opening your eyes, you see the boy look at you with wide eyes as if he’s done something terribly wrong by waking you up 

“why do you look like i’m about to kill you or something?” you giggled watching as the boy in front of you became very flustered “why didn’t you wake me up when you came here?”

“oh, you look like you were in deep sleep, so i didn’t want to wake you up” 

you stretched your arms out, one hand over your mouth as you let out an inaudible yawn, “don’t worry about it. i’m always sleeping” 

you blamed all of your fatigue on lucas as it was his fault that you were tired out of your mind from the little night adventure he roped both you and a junior named eun (y/n from childhood-friend!chenle’s au) into. 

honestly, if it weren’t for lucas’s annoying ass laugh waking you up from your nap that one day, you probably wouldn’t have befriended the big bumbling bafoon. 

“yeah, but apparently i’m failing the twelfth-grade again bc i’m not allowed to just go to homeroom and p.e. i mean, who wants to learn about FUNCTIONS when you could just be looking up memes in the library?!?” - lucas wong, 2019

despite lucas’s overwhelming personality, you were quite thankful to have him as he reminded you of your old friends back at miroh, it was nice. 

eun was a soft-spoken child that often had to turn to you or lucas (which wasn’t always a good idea) for advice that you both were happy to give to the underclassmen. 

personally, you didn’t care that you only had like two friends, quality over quantity right? 

“earth to jeno?” you waved your hand in front of his face as he stayed unresponsive 

he mumbles something inaudible and points at a problem 

your eyes gloss over it taking in the problem, before quickly grabbing a pen and solving it. you spoke slowly as you explained the step-by-step solution that jeno had to do. 

when you look back at jeno to make sure that he was understanding the content, you noticed how the jock is off in his own universe and not paying attention to you. 

“please don’t make me repeat that again,” you sigh, catching jeno’s attention. you capped the pen and lightly tossed it on the table, proceeding to stretch out your hands above your head. 

“sorry” 

“what’s up with you?” you asked, wondering why the boy who seemed desperate for your help yesterday, was now acting like he could care less. “and don’t give me that stupid, generic “nothing” bullshit.” 

“sorry, football was tough last night,” jeno said quietly, focusing on the problem. 

despite not being involved in the school festivities, you knew that it was well past football season. and that meant that jeno was lying to you. 

there was a slight pang of disappointment, but you pushed it aside. what were you expecting anyway? he probably only saw you as a tutor. 

you weren’t even his friend for fuck’s sake 

“let’s move onto the next problem” you say, quickly changing the subject. 

honestly, the two of you were fucking idiots. smh 

despite there being awkward tension between the two of you, you’re tutoring was actually very very helpful for jeno. he could actually understand what was going on in math class now. 

remember that test he had to take to ensure that he could play for his soccer match? jeno passed that with flying colors thanks to your careful explanations 

even after that test, the two of you kept your tutoring arrangement;;;and maybe jeno was falling even harder for you. 

he couldn’t help it though! the way you run your fingers through your hair or the way you puff out your cheeks when you’re trying to think of a way to explain something to jeno just makes leaves him star-struck. and every time he gets a problem right without your help, the proud smile that you give him makes his heart leap

it wasn’t like you were safe from the love bug either!! 

lee jeno was hard not to like and he was even harder to not fall for. 

the little cute noises that he makes when he’s lost, the way his eyes go wide when he finally understands the problem, and the eye-smile he gives you when he gets a problem right. 

your heart literally went uwu when jeno offered you his hoodie bc the two of you were sitting underneath the ac vent and you were shivering.

when you tried to give it back to him, he just shook his head and said “keep it, just in case you get cold” 

lee jeno was not healthy for your heart. uwu hours 24/7 

but the two of you were stuck in this weird relationship bc the two of you weren’t exactly friends, but also not strictly tutoring. you would share laughs here and there, but then quickly it would dial down and returned back to the math problems

some times when he was texting you, he would send a cute gif to show you that he understood and sometimes you would tell him about something funny/stupid lucas+eun or your other friends did. 

“just ask him out,” lucas tells you bluntly as the both of you chilled on the bleachers during lunch. 

“hard pass” 

“fine, then i’ll do it.” lucas shrugs, eliciting a hard smack from you 

“don’t embarrass me, you asstwat” 

“who said i was asking him out for you? that boy is a fine piece of meat” 

“istg, lucas, i’ll actually gouge your eyes out” you deadpanned. 

but big ol’ oaf lucas doesn't see you as an actual threat. and he reaches out to grab your cheeks causing your face to form into a fish pout 

“can you even reach me?” he teases, shaking around your face

and this the part where you’re pulling lucas into a headlock, oblivious to the fact that jeno was watching your toughy actions from afar

he kicked the soccer ball angrily into the goal causing jaemin to duck with a small shriek to avoid getting his head decapitated by jeno’s fastball 

“dude wtf!” jaemin shouts 

“sorry,” jeno mutters. 

jaemin looks over to where jeno was staring at and saw you and lucas being really handsy with each other. from that distance that the two boys were looking it, it didn’t look like the roughhousing the two of you were actually doing

you pulling his hair to them looked like you were playing around with it  

jaemin’s buddy jeno be looking like a kicked puppy rn, muttering under his breath about his shortcommings

jaemin is bout ready to slap him upside down the head for having no confidence or whateves

“can you stop talking shit about my bestfriend now?” jaemin @ jeno but the boy is on a whole ass rant on why he sucks in comparison to lucas

“of course she doesn’t like me. she has a whole lucas wong and he’s 6′0 ft of handsomeness. he’s fun and exciting, i’m staler than a moldy piece of bread!” 

can jeno just love himself??????? is that to much to ask? 

“i’ll just never be good enough for her. i’m not her type, she can do better than me.” 

cue jaemin intense internal screaming 

one day, jeno was going to your usual sitting spot in the library when he sees lucas chilling with eun—a girl that he’s seen around with his friend chenle. they were both laughing at something on lucas’s phone. 

jeno looks at the sight confused. cause like aren’t you and lucas a thing? like why was this boy looking really chummy with this underclassmen? 

so jeno clears his throat to catch their attention and both of them look at him like “who tf are you?”

“where’s y/n? she’s suppose to be tutoring me” jeno says 

a look of recognition flashes across lucas’s and eun’s at the sound of y/ns name. the younger female whispers something to the senior causing him to clap his hands. 

“oh so you’re, jeno??” lucas says in this voice

and jeno awkwardly nods

“yeah, y/n is skipping school today so she told me to tell you to look over the notes she wrote out for you” lucas pulled out a notebook and handed it to jeno

jeno flips through it carefully, examining the words you wrote in your familiar handwriting; there was also a highlight code system and little side comments to help him

“thanks” jeno about to leave but lucas’s next comments stop him

“you’re lucky that y/n likes you enough to do that for you. she wouldn’t even tell me whats 4x4 when i asked her” lucas slumped into his seat

“that because she thinks you have chronic stupidity” the underclassmen said, giggling

“aren’t you suppose to be on my side you little pipsqueak” lucas says jokily, rubbing her head. 

and jeno is watching the exchange, getting more and more confused

did y/n know that lucas was hanging out w another girl without you?

“did you need something else, jeno?”  eun asked him

jeno is about to say no, but different words left his mouth

“aren’t you dating y/n, lucas?”

there was a silence that lasted for a good minute, both lucas and the underclassmen giving jeno a blank stare….

until lucas bust out into ugly laughter, bent over his seat delirious and eun was also laughing along but not to the same degree.

was it really that funny? jeno be staying confused

it wasn’t until the librarian came to shush the two did they stop laughing

lucas wiped away tears of laughter from his eyes “that was a good one!”

“what do you mean?” jeno asked

“pffft eun would rather date a rabid animal than me,” lucas said “she’s only friends w me bc i forced her to be”

oh! that was news to jeno

“besides, lucas isn't y/n’s type” eun revealed, shocking jeno

oh really now? 

“yeah, you fit her type really well,” lucas stated nonchalantly. 

eun is like BRUH WHY WOULD YOU REVEAL THAT but doesn’t say anything and kicks lucas underneath the table. she could already picture the pure anger once her friend found out that lucas spilled her secret crush that easily. 

robot jeno is just standing there holding the notebook and deep in thought. 

“is he okay?” lucas whispers, looking up and down at jeno. eun shrugs in response 

bOOM jeno zoom zooms away and the two high schoolers shrug at the jocks before returning to looking at dank memes 

jeno basically charges down to the only female he’s friends with for advice, ara. (go read my fucqboi! jaemin for the backstory!) 

conveniently, he finds both his jaemin and ara standing at her locker talking. tbh it looked more like jaemin trying to flirt with ara and her ignoring him. 

but right now his friend’s girl problems were the least of jeno’s concerns! 

so jeno basically hulk yanks jaemin away from ara and has the most serious expression on his face “i need your help, ara” 

“huh?” 

and he drags ara off to a more secluded place to explain his current situation to, ignoring jaemin’s whines

“to be honest with you, i think you need to have more confidence. now that you know that she isn't interested in lucas, why don’t you just take the initiative to confess?” ara says once jeno explained to her every juicy detail of his hopeless love story. 

“because i don’t think that she likes me. there’s nothing special about me. the only things i’m good at are sports and that’s not very interesting!” jeno exclaims “she probably thinks i’m an actual idiot!” 

“jeno, listen, i’m only going to say this once, but please please understand that you’re a very special person, okay? you’re extremely hard-working, nice, and honestly very fun to be around. it would take a fool to not like you, lee jeno.” ara sighed, patting her friend’s shoulder “just shoot your shot. if it doesn’t make it in, it’s okay.” 

but jeno doesn’t like leaving things to chance. he wants to be sure and he hates uncertainty. 

“when you’re competing or playing against someone, you have no idea how the whole game is going to pan out. all you know to do is to try your best and go all out to ensure the very best result so that you can win. liking someone is like that, you just have to go forward and hopefully, you’ll be able to score a home run or a touchdown.”  

that was sum deep shit 

after listening carefully to ara’s words, jeno came to a conclusion

maybe 

just maybe

jeno will take a chance.  

reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his phone and sends a text. 

jeno: can you meet me at neo ice cream later? i have something important to tell you. 

y/n: yeah ofc. i’ll see you at 4 

he had soccer practice today and for the very first time, jeno was skipping practice, his favorite time. the only time where he’s ever fully confident in his abilities, where his stupid insecurities can’t get to him. 

this was more important the temporary self-gratification that jeno gets when he’s able to fly through practice with ease

lee jeno was taking a leap, unsure of where he’ll fall. 

today, he’ll shoot his shot. and hopefully, you’ll catch. 

[rvnjun]

nct 127 reacts | gf overhears them call her clingy

request: Hiii! Can I request something where the 127 calls the gf clingy (but she overheard it) and she distances herself , barely talking to them and they don’t know why?:) warnings: angst? authors note: sorry this took so long babydoll and I changed up the req a bit!  Feedback and reblogs are very appreciated 

T a e i l

Taeil stared at your figure on the couch, your hands tightly curled around the remote and your eyes glued to the movie on the television. Something was wrong but he couldnt put his finger on it. He knew that there was something different about you but he didn't know what. “Y/n?” he called out, awaiting your response. You didn't even him spare him a glance as you mumbled a ‘huh’. “Are,,,aren't you gonna come and greet me?” he asked, voice wavering. Taeil hated how he sounded but he finally realized what was causing him a bother, you hadn't been greeting him when he arrived home anymore. “What's wrong?” he asked right after realizing what was the problem. Normally you were the type of person to not just burst out your emotions like that but before you could collect yourself, the tears were already dripping down your cheeks. “I,,I,,I-” you stopped for a second to collect your breath “-I overheard what you told Taeyong and im sorry for being so clingy.” Taeils eyes wavered at your words “Baby I didnt mean it like that,,Im sorry that I made you feel that way. I love how clingy you are, it shows me how much you love me,” Taeil softly spoke, pulling you in for a gentle hug.

T a e y o n g

Taeyong loved how clingy you could be, some days he wanted nothing more than to be in your arms. Afterall, it wasn't easy being the tough and strong leader of over 16 wild boys. Your arms were a safe haven, the one place we he truly felt like he could relax and not have to worry about anything. However, when Taeyong was truly feeling stressed he would take the anger and worries out on things that didn't make him angry. Which is how he ended up in the situation he was in. Tears burning your cheeks and eyes red and puffy. Your arms were tightly crossed around your chest as you struggled to get the words out. Taeyong hated seeing you this way and it pained him even more to know that it was his fault. “Y/n what you overheard was a private conversation with Johnny that I said under an enormous amount of stress and it wasn't true,” he calmly explained. Your tears momentarily halted as you brokenly asked “Are you sure?” in reassurance. Taeyong didn't say anything but open his arms for you. Immediately you ran to his arms as he tightly held you “I'm so sorry, Y/n.”

J o h n n y

Johnny sighed as he rubbed his temples. There was so much going on his life and he just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle with you. But you were angry with him and he couldn't figure out why. Between you and work he felt like he was being torn apart. Sighing heavily he looked up at you “Y/n I need you to tell me what's wrong otherwise I can't do anything about it,” Johnny stated trying to help the situation. “Im just being less clingy, that's what you wanted, right?’ you asked in a slightly sarcastic tone of voice. Johnny's brows furrowed as he racked his brain for answers, why would you think,,,,,Mark. “What did Mark tell you?” his anger was bubbling a little more. “Mark didn't tell me anything. I went to the dorms to drop off some stuff that you left when I heard you tell him I was annoyingly clingy so I left,” you explained the situation. “Y/n I,,I guess I didn't realize how much I love your clinginess until you stopped in. Im sorry,” he sighed while the weight finally lifted from your shoulders. You smiled and opened your arms, missing giving your giant teddy bear of a boyfriend hugs.

Y u t a

He stared out the window with a blank look on his face. The image of your sadden expression burning into his mind. It was his fault, really. You guys got into a pretty bad fight and he was just upset over that. While ranting to Sicheng about you and the whole ordeal he said that you were “overly clingy to the point it was creepy.” What he did not expect was for you to go to the practice room to apologize for the fight, overhearing the comments he made. Your face shown pure agony, his heart breaking more every millisecond. Regret. He felt regret that he didn't run after you to explain himself. “Im creepy,,huh?” your voice sounded shattered as you spoke with seemingly no emotion. “Y/n,,I didn't mean it like that I was just upset. You're not creepy and I don't know why I even said that,” Yuta said, now the one crying.”I mean at the time I meant it but now that i've calmed down I don't,,,can you please forgive me?” Yuta added hopelessly. Your whole body felt tired and like you'd spent the past hours running miles. You knew Yuta, that sometimes he said things he didn't mean. Almost like you were being pulled to him you wrapped your arms around his sitting figure, his head resting in your chest. “Im glad you dont care that i'm clingy”

D o y o u n g

Doyoung stared at the menu as he continued to talk about his relationship. He confided in Taeyong with private and personal problems, and trusted his advice. Sat at a table a few rows back your grip on the glass began to tighten the more he spoke. Sitting across from you, your dear friend watch with a saddened expression. “I thought things between you both were going good?,” she questioned, voice laced with obvious confusion. You didn’t say anything but placed some money on the table and sat up to leave. You couldn’t bare to stay there any longer, hearing the things Doyoung was saying about you was really hurting you. Once you arrived at your shared apartment you laid in bed and quietly wept. After a few hours your phone lit up showing that Doyoung was calling. Rolling to your side you ignored it, not wanting to talk to him just yet. A few more hours had passed when Doyoung barges into the apartment, confused and worried as to why you never answered his calls. “Y/n?,” he called our softly, carefully pushing the bedroom door open. Even in the dark room he could make out your silhouette in the bed. “Hey what’s wrong?,” he asked already knowing something was up. Despite wanting to yell at him you turned over and looked him dead in the eyes “Why are you being so clingy?” Was what you had asked with ill intentions. Immediately he understood your reasons behind not answering the phone. “You weren't supposed to hear that,” he simply said. You felt the bed dip as he took a seat upon the comfy thing. “Yeah and what else haven't I heard that I wasn't supposed to? What else have you been saying?” Doyoung could tell you were rightfully upset. “Y/n,,I,,I did mean it when I say you're clingy, but If I had a problem with it wouldn't I have told you? Im a straight up person,” Doyoung confessed, hands reaching over towards your figure. It was silent for a moment as you processed his words. Sighing heavily you rolled to face him  “Do you promise that it doesn't bother you severely?’ you questioned earning a nod from Doyoung. He leaned down a placed a gentle kiss on your cheek “I mean it.”

J a e h y u n

He always got a little ancy with the interviewers starts asking questions about their dating life. Its a question every idol dreads to hear but has to sit through anyway. Jaehyun, he is always tried to make a joke of it. He may have made it funny for all his fans but all his joke did was hurt the person he cared most about, you. You haven't been answering his texts or calls since the day that video went up. He pulled the mask tighter over his face and rushed to your apartment. Technically he wasn't supposed to leave the dorm today but he wanted to see your face. “Y/n,” he called out while banging on your door. “Y/n,,please open the door,” he said with more desperation. You slowly walked to the door,,feet stopping at the edge as you stared at it. “I know what i said hurt you and im sorry about that,” Jaehyun added, not even sure if you were there. Pressing your back against the door you slid down, Jaehyun doing the same on the other side. “I shouldn't have said that  gf who is clingy would be the worst, because for me, a gf who is clingy is the best. A gf who is clingy is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Jaehyuns voice sounded broken. He needed to see your face, he needed to hug you and make sure everything was okay. The second he heard the sound of the door unlock his heart raced with excitement. You opened the door and pulled him in for a hug. Jaehyun tightly squeezed back and placed kisses on the top of your head. “Oh my god I missed you so much,” he said while bending down to place a kiss on your lips

W i n w i n

Winwin wasnt the type of person to be honest with his emotions but you could always read what he was thinking. “Y/n,,I didnt mean to call you clingy,,yes sometimes you a get a little attached but the only times it bothers me is when im already in a bad mood,” Winwin quietly explained. He felt upset with himself for ever saying those things about you when he knew that they were some of the things he loved the most. You wiped the tears from your eyes using the paws on your sweater. “Are you sure?” you questioned, unsure if he was being truthful. You could tell in the way he looked and in the way he was acting that something was bothering him. Winwin then did something that took you by surprise, he was never one to initiate romantic things first, it was always you. Reaching out, Winwin grabbed you by your waist and pulled your body flush against his. He looked into your eyes with an intense emotion before slowly leaning down and pressing a kiss to your lips, his tongue teasingly darting out. You two stayed like that a few seconds longer than you should have but when he pulled away you were flushed and out of breath. “I really do mean my apology, Y/n. I love you,” he quietly said, seemingly embarrassed with his previous actions.

J u n g w o o

Jungwoo stared at you for a few seconds, he brain racking over everything that had happened. “Why,,why are we breaking up I thought everything was fine?” he asked, tears already flowing like a hydrant. Seeing his broken face broke you even more. Your voice, barely above a whisper, finally came out “Because our communication isn't the best,,and no good relationship has bad communication.” Jungwoo hands grasped out for your wrist holding you in place and not letting you leave. “What should we tell eachother then? Y/n I cant have you go, you're the only thing that's holding me together right now,,please,” his voice cracked and he looked shattered. Your chest heaved up and down as loud sobs erupted from you. “I accidentally read your texts and I saw you tell Lucas I was clingy,,” you confessed, convinced that he would want to break up then. “That's what this is all about? Goodness Y/n you should've talked to me first. Yes you get clingy but tis not a serous issues, what's a serious issue is how hot you eat your food,” Jungwoo cracked a joke. Your tears fell even harder as you pulled him in for a hug. “I'm so sorry for ever suggesting it I should've talked to you first,” you cried like a little baby in his arms. Jungwoo swayed side to side, holding you tightly and cherishing every second of it.

M a r k

You often read over Marks lyrics, whether they were going to be used or nt you loved to read them. It always felt like you got a insight into what was really going on in that Canadians head. Your fingers flipped the page as you started on the next song. “Cling to me” was the title as you guessed since it was written sloppily at the top. Some of the words were smeared due to something having been spilt on it but you did your best to read it anyway. At first ti seemed like a light hearted song but as the lyrics progressed you realized it was about you. A song about how loving it was at first to have someone cling to you only for it to be over bearing and annoying. The door opened as Mark walked in, his eyes skimmed the room only to see you reading his journal. “Oh, I haven’t been writing lately,” he said, plopping down next to you. When you didn’t respond right away Mark noticed that you looked distraught. “y/n?” he questioned before his eyes slowly moved to the page. He felt his heart drop momentarily before his hand darted out to cover the page. “Don’t continue reading this, before you saying anything let me explain. I wrote this after our last fight and I was angry,,I didn't mean it. Flip the page,” Mark instructed while flipping the page for you seeing as you wouldn't listen. “I wrote this he next day after seeing what I wrote the previous night, I didn't mean to write those things, Y/n.” Holding back tears and wanting to listen to him you glanced up at the top “Eyes of an Angel” was the title of this song. Reading the lyrics you let the tears drop. “Eyes of an Angel” was a song about how you always saw him for him and how it was yours eyes that pulled him out of some of his darkest times. About how he was thankful that the first thing he got to see in the morning was your eyes staring back at him. Leaning over he pulled you into a hug and kissed the top of your head “I really should rip that page out,” he mumbled while pulling your lips to his, giving you the sweetest and most gentle kiss he ever had

H a e c h a n

Haechan was a playful spirit, that was something everyone knew. Infact it were his light hearted jokes and his childish teasing that gave him a lot of fans, plus It didn't help that he was incredibly good-looking. Haechan was teasing Mark about how he never lets him hug him or give him kisses. Your feet padded against the ground as you made your way to the dorm, ready to finally drop off Haechans clothes that you stole and promised to return. “Yeah well you know who is really clingy?? Y/n,,sometimes I cant breath when Y/n is in the room-” you stopped in your tracks, dropped his clothes on the ground and spun around on your heels. “clingy,,but,,,Haechan,,with,,he,,me??” you mumbled incoherently to yourself. “-its not like I have a problem with that though, her clinginess is a big reason why I love her,” Haechan finished his sentence, confused as to why Mark was staring behind him funny. “I swear I heard someone,” Mark slowly walked towards the hallway, Haechan not far behind. Peaking over the corner Marks eyebrows went from being knitted in confusion to panic. “Okay Haechan, DON'T PANIC BUT-” Mark was quickly interrupted by the younger bright boy “WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T PANIC?? NOW IM PANICKING WITHOUT KNOWING WHATS WRONG,” the young boy yelled back. “Sorry,,,I uh,,,I think Y/n was here to drop off your clothes but for some reason she dropped them,” Mark directed Haechans line of sight to his clothes on the ground. “Fuck. She probably heard me calling her clingy and left,” Haechan quickly pushed past Mark, pace picking up as he attempted to catch you before you got back on the train. The second her caught sight of your hair, bouncing as you hurriedly walked he couldn't help but scream your name. You froze in place long enough for him to catch up, with his hands on his knees and his favorite hoodie in his hands. “You,,you didnt hear it all,,I called you clingy,,but I also said thats why I,,I love you,,please,,take this back and,,,come back to the dorm,” Haechan said in between heavy pants. “Oh my gosh im so stupid,,sorry Haechan,” you said with a giggle, putting his favorite hoodie on. He stared at you in disbelief for a few seconds before pulling you in for a tight hug. “Its not fair you look better in my stuff than I do.”

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[literaphobe]

hi michelle! so want to start saying that i identify as bi and honestly, I would LOVE it if jake was bi. I think it'd be great. But i'm also okay if he's not, bc how cool is it that they're allowing a man to break down traditional gender norms/roles! i think one of the greatest parts of loving a show like b99 is that it lets us escape the 'real world' for twenty minutes every week. and that means something different for every person watching the show. 1

SO while i believe you are entitled to your own opinions, and you can share them on your blog bc it's yours, i don't think its fair to invite people to share their opinions but shut down anyone who feels differently than you. for example, you said to someone who said they didn't care if jake was bi that you hope they 'get well soon'. also, you posted saying that if bi people didnt want jake to be bi then they're wrong. im sorry but thats really hurtful. you dont get to decide how people think 2

just bc someone feels differently than you doesnt make their feelings less valid, ESPECIALLY someone who identifies as lgbt+. you run a popular blog and it makes me sad to think people might feel their opinions are less valid or wrong bc they see it here. again, im not saying you cant have opinions or post them. but maybe just think about how your words can affect others. also saying this off anon bc i respect you and am open to having a conversation. Thanks for reading, hope u have a good day

hi. thank you for ur mannerly tone and for having the courage to go off-anon.

mlm/bi representation will always be more important than ‘straight man comfortable with his sexuality’. while i am not saying that straight men in media shouldn’t be portrayed as comfortable in their sexualities, the stance that it’s okay to take away representation from people in the lgbt community as long as we have Good Hets is harmful, and it gives people in the tv/movie industries a cop out. they don’t have to give us more lgbt characters! straight characters who Know What’s Up are good enough to make them seem woke and avoid criticism! and whether you’re comfortable with this happening as an lgbt has nothing to do with it. we have to hold the media accountable, we can’t just settle for less. whether you want to watch b99 uncritically or not is entirely up to you. i get that it’s exhausting to analyze the media content you consume! i more than understand just wanting to escape and not ask for more! it’s tiring! it’s draining! it’s disappointing, it hurts so much and it gets so so lonely. but we can’t just let the world stagnate. progress needs to be made constantly, and shows can’t be made to feel like they can just do one or two good things and not be expected to do anything else! i’m not asking you to fight for this, i just want the acknowledgement that this is the right thing to do

i didn’t exactly... invite anyone to say anything. i truly am just sending my thoughts out into the void. and yes, i am aware that my words reach a wider audience because i have a larger than average follower count. of course i know my words can affect others. that’s what i’m trying to do. aside from getting thoughts out my brain, i want to promote a less passive line of thinking. i want lgbt folk to want better for themselves. unfortunately, because words and actions have responses, people will climb into my inbox and start conversations that i inevitably have to take part in (sometimes i don’t though. it really depends on where my head’s at that day. having to discuss this repeatedly is draining). most of the time, i’m just making a statement

i don’t particularly enjoy “shutting down people who feel differently from me”. usually, if i’ve done that, i really am tired because i’ve likely discussed and explained numerous times whatever it is the person who got shut down said to me. i might also come off as mean-spirited or perhaps aggressive if i know some anon is just trying to pick a fight/spew hate at me. if you don’t understand where i’m coming from/don’t believe why having an opposing stance is harmful (this might vary depending on the issue), i am (given i have energy that day) more than willing to elaborate on whatever it is i say here. if i say stuff like ‘get well soon!’ it is a tired response to something i have already covered in depth and i am making some semblance of a joke to deflect/put a lid on the stuff i really want to say (likely because i have already said it) 

i never said that bi people who didn’t want jake to be bi were wrong. i was trying to get them to think deeper and explore why they don’t want that. being lgbt sometimes means that we allow and normalize a lot of unfair treatment. we think that we have it good enough so we decide not to ask for more, to settle. and i will never blame any lgbt for falling victim to this line of thought. we were brought up to think this way, we were conditioned to think this way. acceptance does not equal inclusion, and sadly many of us are so grateful for the acceptance that we do not bother to even think about having inclusion. or, better inclusion, for that matter. of course, it is definitely not up to me to decide how anyone thinks. i’m just trying to convince you! very desperately. but if you don’t agree no matter what i say then what can i do? it’s your life. it doesn’t affect me much in the grand scheme of things. i’m not going to hate you for disagreeing. i’m not going to sic the dogs on you. am i going to be kind of annoyed if someone walks into my inbox, turns on anon, and hurls insults at me? yes, that’s hurtful, and it’s kind of funny sometimes depending on how dumb you sound, but it’s mostly tiring and a lot of pain. so like... read, if u don’t like it, move on, if your well-being is drastically affected from reading the things i say, i’ll tag it so you can blacklist 

the sad thing is, being a member of the lgbt community doesn’t automatically make your opinions on lgbt issues valid/unproblematic. internalized homophobia exists. things i described in the point above can lead to this. just because a bi person says ‘im bi! and i don’t care/don’t think bi jake is important!’ doesn’t mean that suddenly, there is no need for him to be canonically bi, that we aren’t being queerbaited/pandered to by the show. do i think that the show is intentionally/heinously queerbaiting us? not exactly. but lack of awareness and lacking understanding on why bi-coding jake w no intention to make it canon is just as harmful bc it produces the same result (in jake’s case)

once again, i don’t intend for people to feel “less valid/wrong” when they read what i have to say on this blog. self-reflection is important. sometimes, people have opinions that are wrong! including myself! which is why more often than not i think deeply into the things people say to me here and consider whether my opinion holds up. you don’t have to feel bad for being wrong. we are all constantly wrong on stuff. everyone, at some point, has had a bad take/the wrong take on something. if you hold yourself up to this standard that you must always be right or you are suddenly a horrible person/must feel bad and demoralized, i suggest that you change your approach to issues such as this. i hate to say this but it is not my job to make sure everyone is 100% cool and chill about everything i do and say here. some things need to be said. some things need to be acknowledged. i’m sorry if any of you have been hurt/upset by anything i’ve ever posted but after a certain point... that is your issue and not mine 

[xurkitips]

On Conveying Personality Through Chatroom-style Dialogue

A friend of mine shared screenshots of a roleplay he was having via a Discord server, wherein the style was chatroom/texting based. Each character would have a different style of typing completely unique to their person. Though unfamiliar with all of them, I could see what their personalities were like

Like real human beings, a character very much so has a “voice”. I mean that both in the literal sense, through their manner of speaking and what they say, but also through their self expression, interests, and actions. This carries over into the digital realm in ways we may not even notice. Text messages may not be verbal, no, but there are ways to show inflection.

There are many, many ways to show meaning through text. Here are some that I’ve picked up and utilized with my own characters:

Sentence structure

all lowercase sentences VS Grammatically correct

Lowercase gives off the feeling of someone familiar with others or willing to become familiar. It lacks the tension of formal writing, complete with its capitalization and proper periods ending sentences, and feels very casual and approachable. It may also be a sign of someone who doesn’t care much about perfection, a lazy person, or an easy going individual. Seems like a lot of internet regulars prefer this kind of typing style.

“im dying

‘deafening horrorcore rap’ ok i listen to literal noise and idk what this even is”

Using a properly capitalized and punctuated style is very formal, like one would see in a book, an official email, etc. It’s more serious and stern than lowercase is and may imply an older, more mature person typing...or maybe just someone trapped on their phone at the mercy of autocorrect. 

"I am always happy to see you, even if you are not feeling your best.“

“It's nice here.

Quiet.”

There’s a certain respectful steadiness to it as well. It can be calming to read at times.

Punctuation VS Lack of punctuation

End-stopped lines come with both a pause and a bit of a pointed and direct feeling. It strengthens both lowercase and grammatically correct styles, but in different ways. In conjunction with “proper” writing, it’s less noticeable, merely giving the reader a moment’s pause. In conjunction with lowercase, especially if the one typing isn’t keen on using periods, it can come off as stern, serious, passive-aggressive, or angry.

“whatever.

it's less excruciating than it would be without it.”

Removal of punctuation is a different story. Typically just shown with lowercase, it leaves it with that casual feeling intact, or like one’s sentences are more like quick thoughts or questions. Removing them from grammatically correct sentences does ease off some of the tension, implying someone with a more neutral-positive tone while still being more mature. 

“I’m not terribly good with conversation”

And then there’s the run-on sentences from those who type small novels per response. Usually complete with multiple and’s. It’s a sign of nervousness, enthusiasm, or oftentimes a younger character...

“actually i don't know much about it i just happened to see something online and it's apparently only manufactured overseas exclusively for this one particular shop and they made the original design and initial product i guess”

Oof.

Proper spelling (or lack thereof)

The better the spelling, the more the likelihood of the person being older, calmer, or neutral. There’s also a sense of being well educated or careful about one’s typing. Perhaps a confident air may exude from what they say, too.

“Can you come help me for a moment?”

Those who make a lot of mistakes will simply confuse words for other words, forget apostrophes, or type too fast to notice things missing or in the wrong location. Some just don’t really care enough or are too tired to deal with it. Too much focus and people know what they mean anyway. Probably.

“i laug hso hard hes come runin

he thougt i aws dyin”

It can also happen in very emotional situations, in bouts of laughter, crying, rage, or when one is drowsy, medicated, or sick. It tends to stand out when one’s style is suddenly very, very different and tips others off to something being wrong.

Younger characters, especially kids, also make spelling mistakes all the time depending on their age, whether due to sounding out words or just in a hurry to reply.

Short sentence fragments, single words, and lengthy paragraphs

Sometimes people with rapid-fire thoughts, who are excited, busy, stressed, or angry, will take to quick and short responses (sometimes of many fragments in a row). These show a similar feeling as do lines of poetry. Stacking small fragments on top of one another adds emphasis. The reader has to read them one by one rather than as a straight sentence. On its own, the word or fragment stands out and becomes more important.

"well

yeah thats

what i was tryina do

but i mean”

I’ve seen it used used for storytelling from one person to another in larger chunks of things, quick responses, for poetic value, and in irritation or passive-aggressiveness.

In full sentence conversations sent in short bursts, it’s also allowing the reader pause to read each comment without it feeling like a novella. Though it can also feel like someone is obnoxious, rambling on and on as the notifications keep coming, or has a lot to talk about and keeps thinking of more.

Then there are those who type rather large responses all at once instead of hitting the enter key with every sentence:

"Whoever did it was quite thorough; either the power in that area of the lab was cut while we were distracted or they tampered with the security cameras, because that footage is missing. But, we have some theories now. It had to have been someone with direct access to the laboratory. I hesitate to place blame on any of my coworkers...they're all my trusted companions and friends! And yet...”

It’s concise and a solid, complete story in one spot. Could be someone who loves to talk, could be someone who didn’t want a response before they were done talking. It’s also commonly seen by middle-aged texters who want to say everything they can all at once.

Exclamation points and Question marks

Simple one here. Question mark for a question or confusion, exclamation point for emphasis or an exclamation. But when a person adds multiple to a sentence it can convey more of the person’s feelings; 

“are you okay??”

Here is someone who is very concerned. Multiple question marks can imply things such as worry, stress, disbelief, and shock. There’s a sense of hurry and tension. Perhaps the person on the other end is frightened, easily afraid, or tends to have an overwhelming reaction to things.

“oh!!! it’s nice to see you!!!”

"! 

!!! 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, multiple exclamation points convey much more friendlier, happier tones. Often such things as surprise, excitement, happiness, friendliness. Users typing !! as a punctuation (like I tend to do) may do it as an assurance or to show how thrilled they are to talk. Occasionally !!!! is tacked onto an angry statement to be more of a shout, but I see it less and less.

Chatspeak and Internet habits

Shortenings of words have been a regular thing for ages. It’s easy, convenient, and gets the point across quickly. But the internet has taken it to a new extreme, where sentences can be almost entirely compromised of them.

“wtf r u talkin abt?? gdi man idk wuts even happening rn”

A character wanting to be quick to respond, always on the ball, always involved, may be more likely to utilize and understand chatspeak. They’re the social butterfly of the group. It’s also a sign of a long-time internet lurker who’s aware of what the lingo is, and how to use it. A complete lack thereof points toward either an older user or someone who’s unused to social media.

The more memes, the harder someone is trying to fit in. Or maybe they’re easily amused or just absorbed things from their friends without thinking about it. The comedian of the group is going to know the best ways to use them.

Smilies and Emojis

:D D: :DDD // :3 3: >:3 :3c // :o :O O:<

These kinds of smilies have always struck me as the most friendly. Whether used in devious ways or with genuinely heartwarming intentions, the playful, lightheartedness of the user really shines through these. 

"not a bad way to spend a lazy day :D”

“it's also my birthday :3″

It’s got just the right vibe to punctuate a sentence that’ll leave the reader feeling that the person likely means no harm or wants to be friendly, positive, or encouraging. I’ve met a lot of people that use these and turn out to be very kind or considerate people.

:), ;), ((((: and related

A long time positive, friendly smiley. 

"You said you've known them a long time? I think they would understand. :)”

And yet these days I tend to associate it with passive aggressive statements, plotting, slyness, devious behavior, or anger. Older users may be inclined to use :) as a means to show their emotional state, but newer users seem more inclined to do the opposite. The more parentheses there are, the more upset the person, it seems.

“man don’t u love it when the power’s out in the middle of the night it’s just (((: really great thanks (((((:”

Then the ;) smiley comes off more specifically flirty and a bit playful. Doesn’t seem to change much there.

“if i find a good chance 2 hook u up ill do my best ;)”

XD

The bane of my teenage existence. It’s a more old school sign of laughter, rarely seen in today’s world due to falling out of favor and becoming associated with, “LOL Rawr XD Tacos I’m So Randoom,” culture. But time to time you do see it. Mostly with sarcasm but sometimes with genuine intentions.

“xDddddDDD

It was a good joke. XD”

A character using it genuinely comes off more playful, and to me, personally, as an older person who’s genuinely unaware of the associations with the smiley itself trying to show how they laughed without using LOL. 

Letter/Character smilies

Y’know, things like .w. and ._. or owo, where the letters or symbols make a face. These are fairly popular, it seems. I don’t like using them myself, but know a few who do use them.

"I'm sorry that they can be mean qmq”

It’s a different feel from the others. There’s something soft to it, almost a gentleness. When these or Japanese characters are used, there’s more whimsy. It’s cute and almost a bit feminine. It may convey an open person or give the impression that said person is easier to talk to.

Though honestly I can’t see uwu and owo as anything but heavily sarcastic. I’ll be honest with you.

Emojis

The first rule of Xurkitips club is that we don’t talk about Emoji Movie. Just putting that out there riiight now.

Used sparingly by most for fun and for emphasis. Characters may use them to be lighthearted, aesthetically, joke, or to make a conversation more flavorful. The use of emojis may determine a character’s personality; I find that characters who use hand emojis like 👌 are rather laid back, those who use 🙃 do it passive aggressively, and we all know what kind of person uses 🍆.

Then there’s what in common terms known as, “The DudeBro”:

[MFKNSTARBOI]: the thing i never undstood about hair is why people buy shampoo like regular soap not good enough for you LMAO 😂😂😂

[gostones]: .

[BIGDICKTOYOTA69]: what the fuck man

[ahogekun]: do... you not use shampoo

[MFKNSTARBOI]: aaaah you guys got sucked into big shampoo as well 😔

[MFKNSTARBOI]: When it comes to horses 🐎  the stars in the sky ✨ or just man to man no bullshit advice 👬 IM youre guy 😤😂

I think this one speaks for itself.

[trippyzendome]

same mistake, different scenario

Honestly i made the worst mistake of my entire life. Everyone told me not to move in with cris, but i felt like i needed the help with rent and even furniture, moving things ect...  and by doing so I even closed some doors for myself within my social life with CN, Michelle ect. or maybe I just closed those doors myself because of my own guilt and embarrassment... which seems more reasonable - I am just weak and now I'm suffering all over again for being weak minded. I’m suffering the consequences of my own actions  with cris for the millionth time. The lease is 12 months long,  It hasn't even been a month and things are already going down hill and it’s only going to get worse. 

This is always how it starts, he feeds and pokes his fingers into my insecurities.. maybe he does it subconsciously, but it bothers me and breaks down my self esteem. I start to slowly hate myself.. 

The way he demands things from me, his tonality, his body language... it hurts, i believe his selfishness hurts the most. I am so selfless and thoughtful when it comes to him. I set the same expectations and i watch it burn into flames every time;  maybe my own expectations are the key ingredient to the catastrophe ?  What am I overlooking -  about myself ?  about him ?  shit, the whole relationship as a whole is what I'm overlooking.. I always get so close to leaving the relationship behind me and I always relapse like a junkie and people get tired of that. They get tired of the “the boy who cried wolf” ..  i stopped venting or even mentioning the relationship to anyone; I am embarrassed. I don't blame family & friends  for getting overly annoyed and tired of the relationship; we broke up every other month. Part of me senses that I burned all bridges within my social life and great opportunities ( prom, Disney, grad bash ect  ALLL PAID FOR -  ALL I MISSED OUT ON )   to please him.  Let’s not forget i always had a choice, yet I knew if I did attend these events I would only feel guilt.. we would argue. ect and I just didn’t want to lose him. The fact that he wanted my presence subconsciously made me feel obligated to BE present; if that makes any sense.  The farthest made it w/o talking to him was maybe 2-3 months... He may be one the many dark demons holding me back from shining as bright as I should.

 I try to stick up  for myself and communicate with him & maybe i don't do it the best way, but what other way is there? I continuously try so many different methods as a form of communication and nothing works. We moved in Feb. 12th  and I already feel myself becoming tired of the certain circumstances as if my peace and sanity is slowly being stripped away from me. I feel stuck and its my own fault, all of my steps have led me to this destination. i have no one to blame but myself. i KNEW the type of person he was and for 2 years, I believed in my naïve little heart- he could change. Yet, the only thing that changed every time, was his method's of manipulation. There is no form of privacy between us-  especially now that we live together; so here I am.. 

Now I really am stuck-  after so many years of self victimization. The family I have, has no intentions in helping me. They have worries and families of their own; plus they’re all about an hour away or more.. My back bone was my grandma and now she's leaving to-  1,150 miles to be exact. My moms too much of a damn junkie to gaf and now I also burned bridges with her also due to my relationship with cris. I can’t blame her for kicking me out the way she did. However I can’t ignore the pressure and trauma she put me through due to her own selfish habits. 

This turned out to be lengthier then expected, I guess i had more on my mind that i wasn’t even aware of. Maybe its just the birth control making me over emotional and im already a cry baby too lol. Lort help me ! 😂🤣

I can’t lie, being able to get this off my chest did make me feel better, hopefully now I can handle all situations with a clear mind. So many questions, so little answers. So many maybes and what ifs and no clear directions. 

[someonesomewhe]

things ill never say

You called me psycho and crazy and bitchy and mean and stupid and manipulative and controlling and needy. You put all the blame on me, and I believed it. Everything I thought I knew about myself, I questioned because you repeatedly taught me I was nothing. All the blood sweat and tears I spent building my life from a childhood that forced me to grow up in unconventional ways - you threw me back so far

I have never let another person have control over me the way you did. You turned everything onto me and took advantage of the way I cared. But I still can’t hate you. Im just really fucking sad from the hurt you left me.

Every step of the breakup, you had a choice. And you repeatedly chose to be selfish and mean. Something I never thought you’d be capable of. A week and a half after telling me I was the love of your life with tears in your eyes, you rebounded and threw me aside as if you’d never met me at all. I wish I could understand why. It may not seem like much from where you stand. You showed me the things I was afraid of most, and that affected things inside me I tried really hard to lock away.

I have never been the type of girl to chase after a guy, to have feelings so much after a breakup. I was hung up on it for so long. It wasn’t you that I was hung up on, it was the betrayal, the lies, the confusion. You came into my life and tore it apart so seamlessly.

The thing guys like you dont understand is that when you tell a girl you love her but repeatedly treat her like she’s nothing, that is emotional abuse. And that kinda thing elicits a kind of response that you write off as psycho or needy. It’s not needy, it’s that you fucked w someone’s head and feel somehow entitled to shit all over them. And then tell them theyre being too much. You know who’s irrationally acting in hurtful ways with no logical benefit to it? You. Guys that do what you do.

You broke me down and I couldn’t recognize who I had become. All I wanted was for you to be accountable for how you treated me. To be sorry. To give me any fucking answers. I loved you more than anything in the world. I stuck by you in your anger, watched as you blew up my life and our relationship with problems you created in your head. Then when it become too much, looking at yourself and realizing your mistakes, you threw me aside so you wouldn’t have to face any of it. You cheated, you sexted, you lied, you manipulated me, you controlled me. Dating you was textbook emotional abuse. You’d do something hurtful and tell me I was wrong. You’d accuse me of gaslighting you when it was you all along. You projected your intentions into me and convinced yourself I thought in the same way you did.

I picked up the pieces of my life (and let’s be honest, yours as well) that YOU shattered. You made me into a person that I wasn’t, and told the world. You picked up and left when it came time to face your shit, and then you left me with the mess. I am an incredibly loving, kind, compassionate person. I deserve so much more than you gave me. I thought I’d met all the evil this world had to offer, and then you came along to show me just how ignorant I was.

I found out two days ago you are exclusively seeing that girl. You told me it was nothing serious. You told me so many things I blindly trusted. I’m tired of meeting the same people in different bodies. The only thing I know for sure is that I won’t be so trusting with people I meet, you have taught me to question promises, question intentions, question intentions- but worst of all, you taught me to question my worth more than I already did before you came along.

You broke me down, and I still find myself asking why? For what? Did the feeling being that way made you feel make it worth all the pain you caused me? You spent so much time reminding me of every single mistake I made, over and over. But when I tried to tell you you were hurting me so you’d understand and stop (never to make you feel bad), you would change the subject and call me names. The last 4 months have been so difficult for me. You created a mess inside my head and then left me to pick up the pieces alone. You showed me your weakness in how you treat others. But you showed me how strong I am without you. I’ve worked to build myself back, build my life, learn myself and heal the things inside me that I avoided, I did not run into another mans arms to avoid facing my feelings. I am doing the hard work for the right reasons. We know you cant say the same.

I hope that something in you changes and teaches how you to be softer. I hate that I can’t hate you. I understand the thoughts and emotions behind all your behaviors because whether I like it or not, I do know you. I wish I never did. Or at least I wish you would have been sorry or accountable or owned up to ANY of the things you did. The world isn’t the bad guy nick. And you are not the victim. I don’t know what you’re running from, but you’ve created so much destruction in your path. All I wanted was answers or a genuine apology. But people let you down. And the world keeps spinning.

I won’t pretend that things are easy. I had trouble liking myself before I met you. You helped heal small pieces inside me, but then you broke them all over again and left new scars. You taught me I was not worth loving, that people always leave, that nobody ever really loved me, that I am all I will ever have. In one fowl swoop, you shook my whole world and didn’t look back. And I really hope that one day you understand how terrible that feels. I know I’ll never get an apology. But that says more about the kind of person you are, than who I am. I am trying to teach myself that the ways you treated me was a reflection of how you feel inside, not a reflection of my worth. But I wish our relationship had come with a warning sign. I know better now, and I can’t see myself wanting another guy for such a long time. No amount of happiness makes the pain you showed me worth it. I want you to know the effects your actions had. I want you to know how immature and selfish you behaved. How many problems you created in your head that didn’t need to exist. You took me down with you, but that was my mistake.

[shooter-nobunagun]

Church Assassin

//You didn’t think I’d forget about Mirza, did you? (Truth is I almost did...^^;; that’s what notes are for!)

Those black eyes held no emotion as the assassin stared, the bloodied mace in his hands now transforming into a frightening morning star strewn with enormous spikes. One hand was still trapped beneath Mirza’s foot, and her gun had been lost somewhere during the scuffle; she was essentially helpless and entirely at the mercy of this Church assassin, and it didn’t seem like he was in the mood to be merciful.

“P-Please, I-I-I haven’t—I’m not, I’m not a beast...j-just let me go! I swear, I-I won’t, I won’t bother the group anymore; please, please...!” Her lips trembled and before she knew it tears were falling, Sio hiccuping with fear as the Bloodletter pulsed wickedly, as if sensing her tainted blood. “I-I don’t, want to die...!”

“...Alas, I’m afraid not, my dear. Sweet as you are, I know what happens to those who turn...” Those spikes were now an inch from her face. “Just look at how eager my Bloodletter is; it smells your blood, yearns to cleanse it. The further along the mutations, the more it hungers.” A spike pierced out right next to her eye, splitting a few hairs and leaving just the slightest red line on her cheek. “But for you, I promise to make it as painless as possible.”

Painless? That thing? Her eyes slid over to those sharp spikes, coated with the blood of countless past victims. If she weren’t about to be one herself, the girl would’ve snorted in response. She futilely tried to free her arm in a panic as the assassin took a step forward.

“P-Please, don’t...!” 

“Think again, wanker!” There was an explosion of fire and glass, Sio immediately ducking back as Mirza cursed, now busy trying to put out the fire on his clothes, only to be clobbered by the blunt end of the Stakedriver.

“Fucking bastard; Sio, you all right? Tell, you keep an eye on that asshole; if he tries anything funny, put an arrow through him. Or two,” Adam muttered angrily, making sure Mirza was out cold before helping the girl up. “Sio!” 

“Adam, y-you...I...you’re bleeding!” She winced as the hunter gently checked over her injuries, seemingly not caring about the puncture wounds in his own torso as he bandaged her fingers into a crude splint. “M, Mirza, I didn’t...he was here the whole time...!”

“Yeh, I should’ve known he’d get desperate enough t’ pull somethin’ stupid like this,” Adam’s eyebrows furrowed with anger, but mostly at himself. “Honestly, I fucked up; shouldn’t’ve left ‘im alone without doing anythin’...” Those slim fingers in his hands, now bloodied and mangled from Mirza’s cruel treatment; blood boiled in his veins, but Adam knew he had to keep a clear mind if they wanted to get out of this without anymore collateral. “I’ll be completely honest: in my opinion we should just get rid of him...permanently.” Sio gave a small gasp, but Adam didn’t seem deterred. “He’s already revealed his intentions, which is to murder anybody who might even turn into a beast—couldn’t be more like Geronimo and just exterminate actual beasts, that cunt. Besides, it’s not like the rest of the group has any strong feelings about him anyway.”

“B, But, if we do, g...get rid of him, how are we going to explain his disappearance to the group?”

“Uh, squirt? Last I checked, beast huntin’ was an extremely dangerous profession where even the best can get killed at any second; I seriously doubt anybody’d bat an eyelash if we just say he met some misfortune with a beast,” Adam raised an eyebrow, still surprised by the girl’s naïveté at times. “‘Sides, it’s not like we announced he was comin’ with us or anything...hunters come and go. It’s just par for course.”

“I, I see, but still...” Even though Adam made very good points, and certainly she did not want to be around Mirza ever again, there just seemed to be something...unsavory about murdering someone, especially one who’d helped them, even if it was a ruse. ‘Then again, it’s not like I’ve hesitated when we’re fighting rival hunters...so why am I conflicted now?’ 

“A-Anyway, you’re hurt! That was from...MIrza, wasn’t it?” 

Adam nodded wordlessly, hissing slightly as Sio now helped patch him up in return. Deep, bloody holes that she could easily stick a finger through...shuddering, the huntress tried not to think too hard about how it would’ve felt had it not been for Adam’s timely actions.

A groan made both of them jump, Mirza regaining consciousness but now firmly hog-tied and guarded by an expressionless, stoic Tell, who also had an arrow trained right on his heart. 

“My my...how the tables have turned. You surprise me, Muirhead.” Despite him now being the victim, the assassin did not seem concerned at all. “Perhaps it was you I underestimated, and not the girl.”

“Shut th’ fuck up; I’ve no interest in talking to you.”

The cursing didn’t throw Mirza off at all; if anything it only served to amuse him further. “Oh? Well that’s too bad, considering I’ve an interest in chatting with you...especially you, Miss Ogura. That leering grin, and even though there was no way he could get out of those knots and Tell’s watchful eye, still Sio shivered as she tried hard not to turn away.

“Wha, what...do you want? Y-You said, the Healing Church...you, work for them...don’t you?”

“Correct; I am employed by them to hunt down the infected who are about to turn...so that we may quarantine this disease before it spreads.” His eyes narrowed slightly, as if recalling some long-lost memory. “It’s a shame really, but someone has to do the dirty work. Oh, all those good hunters...but in the end, what matters if they’re destined to become beasts? A monster is a monster, in the end.”

“Tch, load a good that’ll do you at this point,” Adam muttered darkly, still refusing to engage the other man. Perhaps when the scourge first appeared, an aggressive quarantine campaign may have had some effect. But now, with most of the population already half-beast... “I don’t believe it. Th’ Church has little power left at this point, so there’s no real reason you’d keep working for ‘em. Unless you really are a nutter...”

“My, Muirhead, I thought we weren’t going to converse?” The assassin gave a light chuckle. “You just can’t resist knowing, can you? Both of you...and perhaps a few others, that seek to know the Truth...” He gave another laugh and Adam scowled, wondering if perhaps Mirza truly had gone mad, after all this time. 

“Bear in mind. Some places are better left untouched, and some secrets are better left alone....only fools do brazenly roam..."

The two left Mirza tied up, still under Tell’s gaze as they discussed in a more private corner. As soon as they disappeared from the assassin’s view the huntress dropped to her knees, shaking even as Adam pulled her close.

“Th-that, that was...h-he...” She didn’t even finish her words before tears rolled down her face, shoulders hunched over as small sobs wracked her body; the shock wearing off as the realization of how close she came to dying, and her own condition, hit her full on. There were too many things happening, as if she didn’t already have enough to worry about; now there was an assassin to deal with, and the sinking horror that her illness was further along than any of them realized. “I, I, I-I don’t...I don’t want to die!”

“Shh love, there there...” Adam patted her hair and murmured soothing words in her ear. “You’re not gonna die; I’ll protect you, I swear. Remember, I promised you this night will end...and I aim to see it through.”

Sio nodded, throat too tight to say anything and so she could only nod weakly. “I, I know...but still, sometimes it’s just so hard...!” She was so tired of everything: the unending horrors of Yharnam, hostile hunters and mysterious beings that might as well be gods...all on top of keeping a close watch on her blood sickness that was creeping ever closer. She leaned against Adam’s chest, relishing in a few minutes of peace as she listened to his heartbeat while he rubbed a soothing hand along her back.

Still, no matter how bad she felt or how tempting it was to just close her eyes right there, Sio knew they couldn’t leave such matters unresolved. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to sit up, wiping away the last of the tear stains. “So, about Mirza...do we really want to just...kill him?”

“Yeh really still hung up on that?” Adam cast her a curious glance. “Well, I mean...is there some reason you want to keep him alive? Is it sympathy?”

She didn’t want to admit it, but Sio supposed that was part of it. “W-Well, maybe...I guess it just feels...wrong to outright kill someone, even if he does want to kill me...I don’t know, maybe it’s because we already worked together before, it just feels...” She glanced at Adam helplessly, unable to put her emotions into words, but Adam simply nodded in understanding. “B-Besides, I think he might be a valuable source of information.” 

“...I understand where you’re coming from, and yeh, I’ll admit at one point I did consider him a comrade, even. But this,” he took one more look at her bandaged fingers and shook his head, “I can’t forgive him for that. Even if we need more info. Not to mention logistically speaking, how the hell are we going to keep him from tryin’ to go after you? It’ll be impossible to keep an eye on him every second...”

“We won’t have to...” Those emeralds stared at her in confusion, but in Sio’s mind the plan was already formulating. “No, if I play this right...we won’t even have to worry about him turning on us.”

“Uh, if you don’t mind me asking—and excuse my language—but how the bloody hell d’you propose we do that?”

Those wide maroons, still shiny with tears but now set in a determined glance. “We’ll just convince him to join our side. Abandon the Church’s goals. Yes I know, it won’t be easy—but I have a feeling, he’s not actually that loyal to the Church. He just...agreed to do it because of some other reason...which I don’t know, but I bet I can fish it out of him...”

“I—uh—ah, hell...y’know what, I’ll just trust you on this. I don’t like it one bit, but if anyone’s got the brains t’ make this work it’s you.” Sighing heavily, Adam could only nod in agreement. “Still, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him wander wherever he pleases. If I feel we can’t trust him at any point, then that’s it; no more second chances. Fair enough?”

Sio nodded. “Fair. A-And, thanks, Adam...for always watching my back.”

He didn’t say anything, only pulling her close for one last embrace before both of them nodded and headed back, Sio taking a deep breath to steel herself.

“Ah, and the lovebirds return. Needed a moment to yourselves? How sweet.” Adam growled in the back of his throat but Sio cut him off with a single arm.

“Mahesh Mirza. I don’t like you, and clearly you want to kill me, so let’s get to the point: give up fighting in the name of the church, and really join our group. There’s no reason for you to keep trying for your goals at this point. The Healing Church is as good as dead...and if it’s infected hunters you’re after, well we’ll be seeing plenty of them.”

At this the assassin threw his head back in pure laughter. “Bargaining? Really? I half-expected you two to come in and behead me without another word—and judging from Muirhead’s face, that’s what he has in mind. But you, Ogura...you’re even willing to give your enemies a second chance?” He shook his head in amusement. “I can’t tell if you’re a soft-hearted fool or an idiot savant.”

Sio gritted her teeth but forced herself to not give into Mirza’s taunts. “You’re right, we can just kill you right here and nobody would even care. But you don’t actually want to die...at least, not like this—a boring, pointless death, not even able to fight back. That’s why you go out of your way to specifically hunt those who haven’t turned yet; regular monsters are too ordinary.” Mirza hadn’t said a thing but she could’ve sworn his eyes were changing. 

“You enjoy the chase; the thrill, the challenges...actually, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to that it’s not the Church that’s using you, but you’re using them...isn’t that right?” Sio didn’t know where this strange, new confidence was coming from, but somehow the more she spoke, the less she was afraid; even daring to saunter up to the very man whom tried to decapitate her with a knife. “In fact, I know that feeling too...the tension when you’re just one step away from victory, or death...that’s what you live for. That’s why you came with us, and bided your time.”

Mirza laughed in return. “Oh, and here I thought I was doing such a good job hiding my intentions,” he replied sarcastically. “But then again, I figured you were different...not just your blood sickness, but you yourself...you too, enjoy the hunt more than you care to admit. You hunt not only to find a cure, but because you genuinely relish the bloodshed...don’t you, Miss Ogura?”

Sio’s heart thumped so loudly she was sure everyone could hear it, but outwardly her face betrayed no other emotion. Mirza wasn’t the first to point it out, and she herself admitted many times already she did enjoy the hunt; the way it made her feel alive like nothing else.

“Yeah, and why not? If I’m going to be trapped in this damn nightmare, might as well get some sort of satisfaction, right?” As guilty as she felt, somehow just admitting that yes, she did enjoy a good fight, lessened the anxiety that had been eating at her all this time. Was it so wrong? She’d always been different her whole life, the blood sickness notwithstanding—and despite all the terrors, hardships and obstacles, she felt that she belonged at last, even if it was with a rag-tag band of what were essentially marauders. “It’s true, I have the blood sickness...but I haven’t turned, not yet—despite what your Bloodletter may sense, there’s still time...you would waste such an opportune target just for the sake of precaution?” She tossed her head with a snide look. “Really, given what you’ve just told me, I half-expected you to keep quiet until I literally started sprouting claws and fangs. That would be a real fight...not something pathetic like this.” The edge of her spear just grazed his chin. “You scared that if you don’t kill me now, I’ll be stronger than you right when I’m about to turn?”

The assassin scoffed. “Hardly; an inexperienced huntress like you ought to watch her mouth around the Church...” But the slight tension in his voice did not escape her. “Those who are infected need to be stopped before they can endanger others.”

“Right. Uh huh.” The huntress rolled her eyes. “But anyway, since you don’t seem keen on changing your mind, I guess we’ll just have to get rid of you.” She casually turned her head back at Adam, who wasted no time in charging up the Stakedriver. “Too bad, Mirza...I have to admit, I was kind of looking forward to that fight...” Sio licked her lips as she sauntered away, letting Adam take the lead.

“...Some places are better left untouched, and some secrets are better left alone. Only fools do brazenly roam." The Stakedriver was a second away from being fired when Mirza spoke. Adam didn’t move a muscle, instead waiting for Sio’s command.

“...Go on, I’m listening.” Sio waved Adam off.

“If you’re that determined to prove me wrong, Miss Ogura...then I’ll tell you. That which you seek.” The assassin’s eyes glittered, as if in a fevered madness. “What the Church wrought, and how this all began...if you can slay the Nightmare, I’ll take it as a sign that you actually know what you’re doing.” Mirza laughed. “Hell, I’ll even join your merry little band, if you so wish...”

“The...Nightmare?” Yharnam and its obsession with blood, dreams, monsters and gods... Sio closed her eyes briefly. “And where is this place that only fools go looking for?”

There was a shuffling noise, Adam readying his Stakedriver as Mirza managed to wriggle a hand into a pocket (despite the tight ropes), but it was only a toss a small vial of something towards them, the glass container rolling to a stop just at her feet. “You’ll need this to enter.” Sio picked up the small jar, only shuddering slightly as she made out the bloodied, single eyeball suspended within it, its pupil muddied and sunken. “When a hunter becomes drunk on blood, and starts turning into a beast...they get taken by the Nightmare, destined to wander forever, engaged in an endless hunt.” Another chuckle from the assassin, as if he were truly enjoying himself for the first time.

“Yours will look the same, Ogura, soon enough. It is a fate that no Hunter can escape"

Sio said nothing as Mirza continued to laugh, instead quietly clenching her fist around the small glass vial. No matter the odds, she would not let herself succumb to what many other hunters before her had. “Come on, let’s go then.” Without even a backwards glance at Mirza, who was still tied up (though she had a feeling he wouldn’t be for long), both men instantly followed her towards the lamp.

“Don’t forget, I’ll know whether or not you’ve slain the Nightmare...best be heading to the Cathedral Ward now, if you don’t want your pretty little eyes to end up the same...” The laugh continued to echo after them as they slowly vanished.

Nobody said a word after that, but after they landed with a swirl back in the Dream, it was all Sio could do to not stumble to the nearest crevice and collapse into exhaustion. The rest of the group was mercifully elsewhere, only Hunter giving a slight greeting upon their return and a quip about everyone else wandering in the Nightmare Frontier. 

“Sio, you aren’t serious...” Adam followed her into what was now considered her private little corner inside the building, behind the counter where runes where engraved. “You’re really going to trust that cunt’s words?” 

The huntress heaved a sigh as she shucked off her overcoat, careful not to bend her fingers too much. “I know Adam, I know...trust me, normally I’d be getting the hell away from whatever Mirza’s trying to play at, but somehow I just...” She gave a frustrated sigh, before sitting down in the only chair with her eyes closed. “...Even though it’s only a hunch...I just can’t shake this feeling he’s telling the truth; that there is something more out there,” her bandaged fingers toyed with the glass vial containing the bloodied eye, “something that will help us come closer to understanding this whole dream...and therefore ending it...”

There was a long silence, only the fire crackling until there was the soft rustling of cloth, Sio turning around to see Adam shed his outer gear as well and sitting on the floor. “...You know, out of all my years hunting, I don’t think I’ve met another hunter quite like you. I-In a good way of course,” he stammered, Sio’s steely gaze turning on him with a raised brow. “It’s not that I don’t trust you; you’ve proven plenty of times that you know what you’re doing. But, I feel like each time we try to come closer to finding out whatever truth there is...the more peril you put yourself in, “ he whispered softly, gently stroking her bandaged fingers and Sio found herself shivering slightly. “Not to mention, we both know you’re on a time limit; and I don’t fancy finding out what that limit is.”

“I-I...” She couldn’t say anything else after that; He had a point—was if her wild goose chases to find the truth would be just that: a wild goose chase? Wasting time looking for something that may not even exist, instead of trying to end this dream and cure your sickness... And yet the despite all the evidence against it, her internal compass still pulled her towards it; like a mysterious beacon, whenever she thought about seeking the truth her soul felt it was the right thing to do.

“...That being said, I already promised I would help you see this night through, to the very end.” Somehow Sio found herself sitting in his lap, though she didn’t seem to remember how or when that happened. “And if that means going to the ends of this nightmare to do so...then I will follow without hesitation.” Despite the seriousness, his eyes were smiling at her, in that very peculiar way that only he could do. “I trust your judgement, Sio.”

Sio felt her face flushing, and it definitely was not from the fire. Even though she and Adam were considerably less prickly with each other now, it was still rare for him to genuinely complement and praise her skills at such length—and even from before, when all her classmates had made fun of her strange fascinations, and only Asao stood by her. She barely managed to stammer out her thanks, laughing nervously about how she appreciated his loyalty when he simply turned her face towards his and kissed her. 

It wasn’t the same as their first kiss, when it had been a volatile combination of pent-up frustrations and desire; this one was much softer, warmer and comforting, like the tight embraces she’d come to cherish. Both her hands wound behind his broad shoulders, fingers threading through those fine strands of silver that felt like silk between her scarred fingers. His breath was pleasantly warm against her skin, Sio sighing as Adam pulled her a little deeper into his arms. Without the bulk from their coats, she was able to feel more his warmth; unconsciously she pressed herself against his well-built chest, shifting her position as she felt fingers slowly undo the top buttons of her shirt.

Normally there was no way either of them would risk such scandalous behavior in an open area, but Sio reasoned she deserved a break after so many streaks of bad luck. Not to mention everyone else save for Hunter and Tell were out, and those two weren’t the type to nose around, thankfully. She heard Adam murmur something about maybe stopping before they got too carried away but she shook her head and shushed him with another kiss, this one deeper than the first one and certainly more passionate. He seemed to take that hint, brushing her strands from her cheek as his tongue slowly swept across her lips to ask for permission. 

She knew nothing about relationships or marriage, or even courting—but she did know the feeling of warmth, the pleasant tingles rushing through her body as both of them became more entwined with each other. The collar of his shirt was undone, exposing a sliver of heated skin she pressed her palm against, relishing both the heat and the steady thumping of his heartbeat. His lips were now tracing her delicate jaw, Sio gasping as it brushed against a sensitive spot and her grasp tightened; there was a low chuckle from the man at her reactions. 

We probably should stop...but somehow, I can’t... Her vision was hazy as he traced shapes through her shirt, a sudden bloom of heat sinking low into her stomach—a new and intense feeling, Sio getting restless from the heat building up throughout her body. It held the same intensity as the thrill of a fight, but it mingled with her desire for him; a strange yearning that made her want to bury herself in him. 

“Eager, aren’t we?” Another low chuckle and Sio panted from the warmth of Adam’s hands as they dipped underneath her un-tucked shirt and smoothed across her stomach. “We should probably stop...”

“Ah...I don’t, see you stopping anytime soon,” she breathed against his ear, unconsciously grinding her hips downward to soothe the heat that did not seem to be going away. Each movement sent delicious tingles up and down her spine, Adam groaning very softly as he also starting moving in sync with her. “B-Besides, I thought you trusted my judgement...”

They were both panting now, hips rocking together in some sort of clumsy rhythm but neither could stop. What began as something to quench that heat only seemed to be fanning the flames hotter, it seemed; Sio found herself bracing herself against his shoulders, using them as leverage as the pace increased yet the knot inside her stomach only grew tighter.

‘What is this feeling...I don’t know what’s going on, but it feels so good...!’ She relished the friction from the rough cloth rubbing between her legs with each movement...it made her want to simultaneously curl her toes and arch her back. Everything felt so hot, as if she was on the brink of breaking through something...whatever it was.

“S-Sio...I-I’m serious, we should...really stop...” Adam was panting as fast as her now, his own face flushed a deep pink while his hands gripped her slender hips. “Even though it feels...amazing...with you...” He pressed their foreheads together, those deep emeralds reflecting her own eyes back into her.

“Nnng...I, I know...b-but, I just, can’t...ah, wh-what is this...I’ve never, felt it before...” Pure, scintillating pleasure from his touch—she’d never been this close with anyone, physically or otherwise, and the fervor from their little session was almost overwhelming. There was a sort of urgency added to the flames now, as if she had to reach this one point now, causing her to gasp and buck her hips unsteadily as she nearly let herself go to this hedonistic pleasure.

“S-Sio! You—!” Her quickening pace did not go unnoticed by the silver-haired man, who couldn’t even finish his sentence before roughly grabbing her hips, almost slamming himself into her as she couldn’t help but cry out. “Seriously—!”

“N-No, please, I’m...c, close...to, s, something...” Yes, she was almost there...just a little more, just a little faster, and the end of this teetering tightrope she was walking across would be in reach... “Ah, Adam...!”

The resounding clatter of throwing knives dropping on the floor shattered whatever nirvana Sio was about to achieve in her pleasure-filled haze. Both of them froze at the commotion, only to see a very sheepish-looking Hunter looking away in embarrassment. 

“Och, sorry ‘bout that...didn’t mean t’ interrupt...oy now, dinnae ye two be givin’ me tha’ look! T’was a right accident, that was. ‘Sides, not like I saw no nothin’...though at the rate ye two were carryin’ on...” Hunter shook his head and gave a low whistle. “Be grateful the place’s empty as it is. This building ain’t exactly the place I’d chose fer a tryst, but eh, guess ye take what ye can get.”

And with that the surgeon placed all his knives into the storage box this time, and strolled out without another glance back, leaving the two of them staring at the floor in an awkward silence. All the passion she’d been experiencing just seconds earlier was completely dead, Sio now feeling a mixture of embarrassment and frustration at having come so close—if only Hunter had come in a few seconds later—

“Well, squirt, guess we should’ve stopped, ‘ey?” Adam had a roguish grin on his face, still flushed from their activities. “Just kiddin’; wasn’t like I wanted it to end, either... He gave a pained groan as Sio reluctantly pried herself off his lap. “Well, not like this, anyway...”

“A, Adam...” Her voice came out as a squeak, Sio suddenly feeling incredibly shy and embarrassed now that her mind was recalling what exactly just transpired. Going at it like a pair of animals in heat...grimacing, she mentally berated herself for letting her base wants get the better of her, especially in a time and place like this. “I-I, I’m, sorry...”

“Hey, don’t be sorry; ‘s not like I regret anything,” he gave her head a playful ruffle, “an’ from the looks of it, you don’t either, yeh?” He winked and Sio felt herself turn even redder. “Though I gotta say, I definitely wasn’t expecting you to be so...well, aggressive...but I like that, this...duality of yours...it’s what makes you special.”

Adam smoothed out his clothes, before helping her up and Sio could only blush and mumble shyly as she buttoned her shirt up. Seriously, what the heck had that been about? ‘It’s like that time I almost lost control, after Logarius...except this time I actually did lose control...’ But there was no denying it had been pleasurable, and quite so, at that. Even with the lust fading, still the warm crevice between her thighs tingled ever-so-slightly whenever she thought back to the heat of the moment, when they were tangled together and moving in sync to reach whatever goal it was...

“Anyway, don’t dwell on it too much; Hunter won’t say anything, you know that.” Adam was putting on his overcoat again, looking and acting as if nothing had happened at all. “Speaking of which...to that place Mirza was talking about—through the Cathedral Ward?” Sio nodded. “I have a feeling, this ‘Nightmare’ he’s talking about...it won’t be easy to defeat. An’ if we’re really going on this wild goose chase, then I don’t know about you, but I’d like some backup; and honestly, I can’t think of anything better than our original trio, yeh?

The ‘original’ three, just her, Adam and Hunter...Sio felt herself smiling at the idea, nodding silently as she gathered up her equipment and the two went to find the surgeon, Sio patting the vial in her pocket on last time.