#i tried scheduling this post but it didn’t post and idk how to find the schedule version ajdbsb

[sharkbath]

CHAPTER 4 OF MY NANDERMO FANFIC AN APOCALYPSE BETWEEN US HAS FINALLY BEEN POSTED!!!!

Sorry it took longer I’ve been busy but I hope y’all still like it! Please let me know your thoughts cuz comments really do help with motivation lol (and so does sharing it with your wwdits friends if you want to 👀👀). So yea I hope you all enjoy!!!

[pathologicalreid]

home run | s.r.

in which Spencer and jareau!reader finally get the opportunity to take the next step in their relationship

margotober masterlist

who? spencer reid x jareau!reader category: smut (18+ mdni) content warnings: sex bro idk. the sweatshirt. smut with a lot of plot, glasses!spencer, dostoyevsky, paulo coelho, ur crazy if you think i proofread this, flirrrrrrting, protected p in v sex, fingering, heavy petting, post coital dysphoria (why can't i let them simply have a nice time) word count: 4.01k a/n: next on my quest to give fanfic readers realistic sex to read, i give you this! as always, tell me how u feel, my inbox is always open.

“Will you unzip me?” You asked softly, pulling your hair out of the way and turning your back to Spencer, who paused his own disrobing to undo the zipper of your dress.

It’d been a long day, the light hours spent in the BAU, and the evening spent at Rossi’s, who wanted to get at least one more cookout in before the weather turned. You’d finally reached the end of your day, and for the first time, you were spending it with Spencer.

Facing away from him still, you let the fabric drop to the floor, taking your sweatshirt from your go bag and tugging it over your head. Spencer hummed from behind you, “I can’t believe you still wear that.”

A small smile formed on your face as you turned around. “It’s comfortable,” you justified, the old FBI Academy sweatshirt had previously lived in Spencer’s apartment, but you’d claimed it for yourself nearly two years ago. It had the perfect amount of wear, making it one of your favorites—among other reasons.

You tried not to let your eyes linger while Spencer changed, instead focusing on details in his room that you’d never seen before and making note of what books he kept on his nightstand. “It’s old,” Spencer responds plainly, putting on an old MIT t-shirt and reaching out for you, grabbing your waist and pulling you close.

Before being with Spencer, you wouldn’t have considered yourself the kind of person to take things slowly, but with him, that was the only option you were willing to consider. You were so scared of things being ruined with him that you only made moves when you knew you were absolutely ready. Maybe that was why it took you nearly two years before the two of you started dating, but he was willing to walk the tightrope with you.

You walked around the bed, sitting up on the mattress and watching him go into the bathroom, “So, what do you want to do tonight?” He asked from the bathroom, coming back out with his glasses on and leaning against the doorframe.

Humming, you look over at him, “Didn’t think that far ahead?” A teasing lilt carried through your question, cocking your head as he made his way over to you. He’d asked you on Monday if you’d like to spend Friday night at his place, and he had seemed surprised when you accepted his offer.

“I have a few ideas, but I wanted to see if there was something specific you had in mind. Since you’ve already interrupted your usual schedule to stay here, I wanted to give you a choice,” he rambled. He always rambled when he was nervous.

You raised your eyebrows curiously, “Spence?”

With him standing in front of you, you studied his eyes. His contacts had a blue tint to them, so seeing him in his glasses was really your only opportunity to see his eyes as they truly appeared. “Yeah, baby?”

Your heart fluttered at the nickname, “We don’t have to do anything special. What would you be doing if I weren’t here?”

“Reading,” he told you unabashedly.

Honestly, you should’ve guessed that. “Okay, then we can read. Do you have a book I can borrow?”

Spencer nodded, “You’re welcome to anything, but are you sure? We could find a movie to watch instead.”

“We don’t have to do anything special just because it’s our first night together, and besides, reading side by side sounds nice,” you told him, waving off his concerns about entertainment and walking into the living room, scanning over his extensive collection. Plucking one off the shelves, you return to Spencer, watching him pull the covers down on the bed, preparing both yours and his side.

You set your book on the nightstand and climbed up on the mattress, his box spring causing it to be almost precariously high. “The Alchemist?” He questioned, reading the title of the book that you had selected.

Tracing the title with your fingertip, you shrugged, “I’ve never read it. Should I pick a different book?”

He shook his head in response, “No, and I don’t want to influence your opinion with mine.”

“Well, what are you reading?” You peered over to look at the book in his hands, reading the cover, “How many times have you read that book?” Since you started dating four months ago, he’d read Crime and Punishment at least three times.

Flipping the book back open, Spencer went back to the pages, “I’ve never read this version before, the editor decided to publish his thoughts along with the translated text.”

You raised your eyebrows curiously, “And what are your thoughts on that?”

“I think his translation of the original Russian is perfectly adequate, but his comments read like a high schooler who was forced to read the book for a class,” he explained, his hand absentmindedly resting on your bare thigh once you settled into the bed.

Humming, you opened your book, reading the foreword and trying to ignore Spencer’s hand placement. There was no reason to lose your mind over a little thigh touching.

Once you made it to the beginning of the actual story, you became vaguely aware of Spencer’s thumb rubbing small circles on the inside of your thigh, leading to you closing the book and setting it back on the bookshelf. Taking a deep breath, you rolled onto your side, leaving Spencer to move his hand from your skin, and you rested your head on his shoulder.

You looked up at him, watching his lips move as he read the words on the page, you felt very lucky to have this part of Spencer. The Spencer who let his glasses slide to the very bottom of his nose and had an affinity for reruns of cartoons from the eighties. “Are you alright?” He whispered once he finished his chapter, reaching an arm up to ruffle your hair affectionately.

“Mhm,” you murmured, “Don’t feel like reading.”

Gently, Spencer craned his head to drop a featherlight kiss to the tip of your nose, eliciting a small smile from you. “Let me know if you need anything,” he said softly.

As odd as it seemed, you liked watching him read, at the very least, it was impressive to watch. You kept your eyes on him, watching how intently he focused on the book despite having read it several times before.

He looked back down at you, catching you staring, “Can I kiss you?”

The question took you by surprise, but you nodded in response, looking at him as he ducked his head down and pecked your lips. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, putting his free hand in front of his mouth as he went back to reading.

In his defense, his resolve lasted for one more chapter, turning the page before snapping the book shut and resting it on his nightstand. Spencer turned his head to yours again, “Hey.”

“Hi,” you responded, unsure about where he was headed with this. Opening your mouth to ask him a question only to be met with his lips on yours, he took his time now, resting a hand on the side of your neck, the pad of his thumb at the hinge of your jaw as he held you close.

Tentatively, he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip, and that single motion drew a small moan from the back of your throat, causing you to pull away from Spencer.

Your eyes were wide in surprise, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that came from.”

Spencer shook his head, pulling at your waist, “C’mere,” he said, encouraging you to straddle him, your knees on either side of his hips, “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” you breathed, leaning forward and resting your hands on his chest, you pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “This is okay,” you whispered against his lips.

It wasn’t like the two of you hadn’t made out before, it was usually just on the couch, or in Spencer’s reading chair, or one time when you were the only two on the jet. This—making out in his bed—it felt different somehow.

Coming back up for air, you looked up at Spencer, a giggle escaping your throat as you tried to meet his eyes. “Oops,” you said, his glasses had fogged up while you were kissing, so you leaned back while he took them off, resting them on his nightstand.

Spencer rested his hands on your hips, his thumbs gently massaging over your hip bones as you studied his expression, “Honey,” he said, suddenly serious, “I want you to know that I didn’t invite you to spend the night with this in mine.”

He was drawing the same conclusions as you, but still, you looked at him doubtfully, “Do you mean to tell me that the prospect of sex didn’t even cross your mind when it came to inviting me to spend the night?”

A soft pink bloomed across his cheeks, you found yourself wanting to kiss them, “Okay, maybe it occurred to me that we might find ourselves in this position.”

You straightened up slightly, “So, I trust you have a condom.”

Nodding, Spencer reached a hand up and smoothed your hair back with the kind of tenderness that made you want to cry. “I do, but we don’t have to have sex tonight, okay?”

“But I want to,” you responded, maybe a tad too quickly. Your face warms, “I mean… I’d like to. If you want to.” With an air of finality, you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his, one of your hands found a home in his hair while the other rested on his collarbone.

As if on cue, the phone started to ring. An incessant blare designed to wake you up in case you were being called in in the middle of the night. Spencer chuckled as you dramatically dragged yourself off of his lap and dug through your bag for your phone.

If it were Penelope or Hotch, you’d answer without a second thought, but the caller ID showed your sister on the other line. You declined the call, texting her an excuse before leaving your phone on the nightstand.

Spencer dragged his fingertips down your arm, “Who was it?”

“JJ,” you told him leaning back over his torso and pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, “I’ll call her back later,” you continued, kissing the other corner of his mouth.

He hummed in response, settling his hands on your waist, “Tomorrow?” He proposed, gently guiding your back to the bed.

Nodding, you looked up at him, “Tomorrow,” you confirmed, sighing contently as your legs fell open, giving him the room he needed to rest his body between them. You’d never felt so at ease in bed with someone, no one had ever touched you so carefully before.

“Good,” he whispered against your lips, gently parting them with his own as you looped your arms over his shoulders, “Hold on,” he said, pulling back and climbing off of the bed.

Your eyes followed him intently as he stopped in front of his go bag, unzipping the side pouch and pulling out a familiar-looking box. “You’ve been keeping condoms in your go bag?” Your question is succeeded by a fit of giggles, any nervousness disappearing at the realization that Spencer’s been carrying contraception with him all day.

Rolling his eyes, Spencer lobbed the box at you, but you were still laughing too hard to be bothered by the lightweight box hitting your arm. “Excuse me for wanting to be prepared,” he teased back, climbing up on the bed and finding a spot right next to you.

“No, you’re right,” you said, continuing to giggle despite your best attempts to stop. “Okay, I’m sorry, let me put on my serious face,” you pressed your lips together in a thin line, holding them together with your teeth as you tried to stop any giggles from escaping. “You would make a great boy scout,” you told him, failing to keep a straight face.

Sighing, Spencer kissed your smiling lips, giving you a soft peck between every word he said.

“You’re.”

Kiss.

“So.”

Kiss.

“Cute.”

By the final kiss, you’re ready to ascend into the heavens. Knowing you can die happy because you’ve known what it’s like to love him. You’re not even worried about the fact that he chose to call you cute as opposed to hot or sexy. Spencer’s never let you consider the idea of being someone other than who you are.

“I love you,” you whispered, looking at him as he positioned himself between your legs again, taking your lower lip between your teeth because this time you could feel his length. Even through three layers of fabric, his hardness pressed against your core in a way that made your head spin.

Spencer hummed, “I love you too.” His tone was careful as his hands slipped up your sweatshirt, a totem to show where the two of you started and where you are now. His fingers wandered over your skin, an exploration of your body as the hem of the sweatshirt started riding up your waist, “your heart is racing.”

You sat up, trying to encourage him to take your sweater off, “You have that effect on me.” You took a deep breath as he followed your cue and pulled your sweatshirt over your head, once he tossed it to the hamper, you pushed at his t-shirt, whipping it off his body without a care in the world.

He was just looking at you, just studying you in the way someone would look at a piece of art. Feeling encouraged, you reached back to unclasp your bra, letting the fabric fall off of your chest before dropping it just off the side of the bed. “Pretty,” he breathed, leaning forward to kiss you again, his lips making their way along your jawline, along the column of your throat, and just below your collarbones. “Pretty, pretty girl,” he murmured, rendered uncharacteristically at a loss for words at the sight of you topless.

You gasped as his lips attached themselves to your chest, sucking at the soft skin and leaving little love bites behind. He moved his hand to gain better balance, leaving one at the side of your head, “Ow, Spence,” you yelped.

Spencer’s head snapped up, “Are you okay?” He asked, more fear in his voice than was strictly necessary for the issue.

“Your hand is on my hair,” you said, moving your hair behind your head when he instantly moved his hand.

He dropped a kiss to your forehead, oddly domestic for the state of undress you were in, “I’m sorry, honey.”

You shook your head, “It’s okay, c’mere,” you whispered, placing your hand on the back of his head and guiding his lips to yours. Slowly, you extend your free arm between your bodies, slipping your hand between the elastic of his briefs and his stomach, wrapping your hand around his shaft.

He moaned into your mouth at the contact, his lips faltering against yours as you ran your thumb over the tip, gathered his precum on your finger, and withdrew your hand, bringing your hand up to your separated mouths and sucking the liquid off of your thumb. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he groaned, reattaching his lips to your neck, bringing his lips further down your chest until he took your nipple in his mouth, nipping at it gently with his teeth while his fingers wandered up to play with your other breast, massaging the flesh.

“Oh,” you breathed, looking up at the ceiling fan and trying to stop your hips from bucking up as his mouth separated from your breast with a wet pop, his hand skimming down your torso and stopping just above the hem of your underwear, looking to you for permission before he exposed your core.

Slowly, he hooked his fingers in the sides of your panties and dragged them down your legs, leaving them on the mattress for you to find easily as he pushed your knees apart. His hand made its way to your pussy, fingers dragging lazily up and down your slit, “Is this okay?”

Nodding, “Yeah,” you answered, bracing yourself for the intrusion of his fingers, but you were surprised when it didn’t come yet. Instead, his index finger pressed gently against your clit, softly rubbing at the bundle of nerves, trying to prepare you. A soft whine escaped your lips at the sight, “Will you kiss me?” You asked, your eyes wide and pleading with him.

Obliging your wishes, he left his hand in its place while he pressed his lips against yours, you slid your tongue into his mouth, running the tip of it along his bottom lip. You moaned into his mouth as he played with your clit, need growing in your core as his fingers moved.

“Ah,” you gasped against his mouth when he slipped a finger into your hole, separating your lips while you tipped your head back against the pillows. “Oh, wow,” you breathed at the feeling of him knuckle-deep in you, his finger remaining still while you adjusted to the intrusion.

Spencer hummed, bringing his head back down and resting it on your tummy while he curled his fingers in your cunt. You brought your hands down to rest on his head, tugging at his hair while he started to thrust his finger in and out of you, wet squelching sounds emanating from your core as he did.

A moan was ripped from your throat when he added another finger to the mix, stretching your pussy even further while you felt your walls contract around his hand. “Spence,” you breathed, moaning again at the sensations that were coursing through your body, “Spence, baby.”

He tore his eyes away, looking up at you while his hand slowed slightly—just in case, “What do you need, honey?”

Honey. The sweet pet name plucked at your heartstrings as you propped yourself up on your elbows, “I’m— Can we...?” You started, not sure how to proposition him. Can we have sex? Seemed like too little too late. Will you make love to me? Made you want to throw up in your mouth a little bit. “Will you fuck me?” Was what you settled on, albeit a bit crude, but it was your best option at the time.

He withdrew his fingers from your cunt, eliciting a whimper from you at the emptiness, he reached over for the box of condoms that he had previously thrown at you, handing the box to you so he could shed his boxer briefs.

Staring at the way his cock stood at attention, you considered wrapping your mouth around him, just for a moment, but Spencer didn’t seem interested in anything other than doing what you’d asked of him. Instead, you reached out your hand and wrapped your fingers around the base. He was already plenty hard, but you felt the need to reciprocate pleasure, which is why you were surprised when he moved your hand before you could even start.

“It’s okay,” he reassured you, and you nodded a response, telling yourself you’d remember to return the favor in the future. Maybe in the morning.

Handing him a lavender packet, you watched as he carefully tore the package open, pinching the tip and rolling the condom over himself. “Is this good?” You asked, lying on your back as you watched him settle back between your legs, your breath hitched as his cock lined up with your entrance.

Spencer nodded, “You’re perfect. I’ll go slow, okay?” He rubbed at your thigh comfortingly, waiting for you to give him another okay before he started pushing into you. Between your wetness and the added lubrication of the condom, he slid in with little resistance, but he took it slowly, just like he had promised.

He watched you the whole time with the knowledge that you hadn’t had sex in years, the last thing he’d want to do was cause you any pain.

Once he was fully sheathed in you, you buried your face in his neck, pressing little kisses to his soft skin as you focused on anything other than the pressure in your core.

“I’m okay,” you whispered, he didn’t even have to ask you for the reassurance. “I’m— fuck,” you cried out, unable to help the way your walls tightened around his cock. “You can move,” you told him, your voice muffled against his neck.

He inhaled sharply as he pulled his hips from yours before slowly pressing them back together, “I love you.”

You nodded, “I love you too,” you murmured, muffling your moans in his neck as a courtesy to his neighbors, unable to control them as his tentative thrusts turned into a steady rhythm. Carefully thrusting into you while he moved one of his hands up, intertwining your fingers with his at the side of your head—minding his hand placement.

Hooking your ankles together behind his back, you squeezed his hand at the same time as your cunt clenched around his length. He continued fucking into you, pushing your legs open even further until he hit a spot inside of you that made you see stars.

“Spence,” you cried out, trying to warn him about your impending orgasm before it washed over you. Your walls uncontrollably clenched around him as you fully muffled yourself against him, soft squeaks escaping your mouth as he kept going, the pulsating of your pussy driving him even closer to his own orgasm.

His hips stuttered in their movements as you pulled your face from his neck, breathing the cool air as Spencer spilled his cum into the condom. His head drooped, pressing soft kisses to your collarbone as the both of you caught your breath. “I’m gonna pull out,” he warned you, carefully slipping his softened cock from your hole.

A slight panic came over you as you felt tears well up in your eyes faster than you could process them, hiccupping for air as they fell down into your hairline.

That got Spencer’s attention, lifting himself and looking at you, “Hey,” his voice was so soft, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Bordering on babbling, you shook your head, “No, I’m fine,” you cried, more tears falling from your face. “I don’t even know why ‘m crying,” you told him, resting a hand on your chest.

“Shh, hey,” Spencer cooed, “You’re okay, I’ve got you.” Gingerly, he laid down on his back and pulled you into him, letting you rest your head on his chest as he smoothed your hair back comfortingly. “There are just a lot of emotions going through you right now, and that’s okay,” he whispered. “You’re safe with me.”

You nodded slowly, “I’m sorry,” you whimpered, having ruined a perfect first time by bursting into tears immediately after.

Spencer pressed a tentative kiss to your hairline, “It’s okay, there’s no need to be sorry. It’s completely normal,” he murmured, one hand in your hair and the other rubbing circles on your back. “You’re alright. Hey, it’s called post-coital dysphoria, and it happens to about forty-six percent of people,” he told you.

Despite yourself, you gave a breathy laugh, “I feel like you’re making that up so I’ll feel better.” You sniffled, wiping at your eyes with your fingers.

“It’s a real thing, I promise,” he reassured you, continuing to comfort you until tears stopped falling. “Hey, what do you say we get cleaned up and we can watch something in bed.”

You hummed in response, “You don’t like screens in your room, you say it messes with your REM sleep.”

“It does mess with your REM sleep, but I’d be willing to make an exception for you tonight,” he said, smiling softly when you lifted your head from his chest. “Come on, honey. I’ve got you.”

[wonwoonlight]

when he finds out you're sick through the internet

A/N: idol!au. OC is also a celebrity though I don't explicitly say what. tiny teensy angst bc cheol is a worried Boyfriend💔 1.5k words! another random word vomits bc that's the only way i know how to write now lol idk why but everytime i write this kinda fic it's always seungcheol looooooooooooooool. not proofread, but enjoy!

[part 2]

Seungcheol doesn't really get angry.

For the three years you've known him in which you've dated him for two, you've only seen him actually get angry a total number of three times. None of them was directed at you, and all of them are for reasons that you would've exploded upon way before he did.

Seungcheol is patient and rational.

Seungcheol is normally patient and rational.

But he's never normal when it comes to you. And even though the patient bit still stands, nothing about his feelings towards you is ever rational. He's a little too emotional, a little too rash, and a little too worrisome when it comes to your wellbeing.

So when he's relaxing in the practice room during a break with his members, for once not on his phone because he's charging it somewhere on one of the tables, and he hears Seungkwan gasps a little upon his phone, he thinks there's another scandal blowing up upon the industry. But when the younger guy's blown out eyes meet him, colors drained from his face, Seungcheol hates that he knew it could mean one thing: something happened to you.

He shoots up almost immediately, not registering any words that come out of Seungkwan's mouth. His hands shake a little when he unlocks his phone, and his heart drops when he reads the official post from your company's twitter account that states your current condition, that you might need to pause your activities for the time being due to health reasons, apologizes for the worries, and asks for the fans' understanding.

He wants to get angry.

At who, he’s not sure.

At your company, for pushing you even though they know your schedule is practically inhumane? At your manager, for not making sure that you have decent rest in between schedules? At you, because he’s been telling you to fucking stop running towards whatever goal you have in mind but you insist that you know your limit and you’ll know when to stop?

Apparently, no you fucking don’t because else this wouldn’t have happened.

The rest of the members look at him in worry, and Jeonghan silently walks to their manager and the other staff to let them know about the situation at hand, that Seungcheol would probably not be in his best state to continue practice at the moment. The leader would probably insist that they continue anyway, but they’ve practiced for almost five hours already anyway and they could spare an hour or two for the leader when it’s clear that he’s worried beyond measure.

Seungcheol bites his lip as he tries to call you, his concern skyrocketing by the seconds the longer the beeping sound goes, no sign of you picking it up. He tries one more time, but you still don’t answer and he’s about to hurl his phone at the wall when your manager calls him instead, tells him that he sees his name flashing on your phone, informs your whereabouts, and that he should just drop by your place in a few hours if he wants to see you because right now you’re still sleeping in the car and he’s taking you home.

He finds it hard to say anything, a lump growing in his throat until he manages to swallow it down and ask how you’re doing right now.

“She’s… exhausted.” Your manager says quietly. “I know it’s my job to take care of her but… you know her. She didn’t tell me that she’s been having a hard time sleeping at night the past few weeks and it finally took a toll on her.”

It’s hard to suppress his anger, his breath heavier than usual though it’s not too noticeable unless they know Seungcheol. He wants to scream at your manager, but he knows it won’t do anyone any good and it’s really not the time nor the place for that. So he mutters a quiet ‘thank you’ before he hangs up, his members looking at him with a mix of worry and understanding when he looks up at them.

“Go.” Soonyoung says. “We’ve practiced enough today. Take care of your girlfriend and tell us later.”

Seungcheol nods and sprints out of the room, beyond thankful that his members always have his back.

Seungcheol is glaring at you when you wake up, though the way his thumb is still softly caressing your head and the worry in his eyes clearly tell you that his anger is nowhere near his distress. 

You offer him a weak smile, unable to defend yourself because you know what his eyes are scolding you for.

“Sorry?” You whisper and immediately cringe at how dry your throat feels.

He doesn’t say anything as he helps you sit down and hands you your favorite mug. Taking in the moment, you frown at how weak you feel, though you really only have yourself to blame because you genuinely thought you’re okay and you can take it.

You know it’s on you for taking as many schedules as possible, practically everything that your company offers you even when your manager says he doesn’t think it’s physically possible for you to do all that in such a short span.

Thinking about it now, you realize that your manager and the rest of your team also gets the short end of the stick through your decision. Him, your make up team, and your stylists would all need to be with you and your ambition forgets to consider their wellbeing even when you wrongly claim you would be able to handle it.

Guilt starts to eat you inside out, and it grows even larger as you see Seungcheol in front of you–didn’t he say he had practice today?–his face screams distressed and his shoulders tense since God knows when.

“Hey, talk to me.” He says softly when he notices you’ve been spacing out and you’re nibbling on your lip like you would when you’re anxious, taking away your mug before enveloping your hands with his.

You tear up almost immediately, and he moves to sit on the edge of your bed to usher you into his chest, patiently listens to your nonsense as you try to talk through your tears. He gets the gist of it: sorry–manager–company–wellbeing–my team–didn’t think it through–made you worry–overestimated myself–sorry–and the list goes on. He exhales as he hugs you tighter, both understanding and upset at the turns of events.

Being in the same industry, he gets what you’re trying to do, understands that you feel the need to keep on running while you’re able to, relates that you’re doing everything for yourself and your fans. But still, it’s hard not to be upset to know you’re pushing yourself too hard when he’s been telling you there’s no need to run as fast as you are without resting; that you’ll only hurt yourself one way or another and he hates that the one time he needs to be right, it’s this.

You end up laying down against his chest on your bed, hiccups and sniffles filling your bedroom along with a random song he’s humming against your head. You pull away to properly look at him, the first time you’re doing it since you woke up earlier, and his hum stops in question.

“Thank you.” You manage to whisper, your fingers grasping the front of his shirt without even realizing. “For being here when I woke up.”

He shakes his head like he doesn’t understand why you’re thanking him, simply leans down to plant a long, chaste kiss against your forehead before he pulls up your blanket so it’ll cover you properly.

“Just… don’t surprise me like that again, okay?” His breath is warm against your face, pleasantly so, and you nod as you promise him that you’ll take better care of yourself moving forward. 

“Are you staying the night?”

“Yes, I’ll return to the dorm the day after tomorrow. They’ve given me a day off.” You cringe at his words, though thankful that he’s been in the industry long enough to attain that kind of privilege. But still, you feel bad that you’re obstructing his practice and his members just because you’re foolish enough to– “Hey. Stop. I know what you’re thinking. No need to feel bad. I’m actually glad I get to rest with you.”

“But–”

“No buts. The kids can do without me for a day.” He playfully bumps his forehead against yours, his lips hover above yours merely centimeters apart.  He doesn’t meet your lips, though he kisses their corner sweetly and wraps you back into his embrace to the point where there’s no space between you two. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Good night, Cheol.”

“Night, baby.”

“See you in my dream?”

“I’ll see you anywhere you want me to be.”

He hugs you tighter, and you try your best to return the gesture despite the awkward position of your arms. It’s uncomfortable and you’re sure your arms will be sore the next morning.

But you wouldn’t have it any other way. Not when you succumb to sleep and find Seungcheol smiling at you on the other side of your dream, as real as he can be.

cont.

[wannabanauthor]

The little nuances of BuckTommy always gets to me. I’ve rewatched their first kiss scene nearly everyday. Seriously, it’s my bedtime routine to watch it multiple times before going to bed.

Anyway

It takes pictures of that scene for me to realize how fucking scared and terrified Tommy was after their first kiss. He’s able to exhale, but the look on his face was so serious and scared. He knew what a huge risk it was to kiss Buck (known womanizer who used to have sex in the fire engine), but he did it anyway. He didn’t even have a hint of a smile until Buck says “yeah, that works”. Then he smile slightly and asks if the kiss was okay because he can’t help but feel giddy.

I do love that Tommy likes to pretend to be the overt confident one, and it works for Buck because he believes it without a second thought. But seeing Tommy’s confidence shaken for a few seconds was gold to me! It makes him human and endearing. It also illustrates that even though he’s been out and around the block a few times, there’s still that fear that even in LA (a city that pretends to be progressive yet is trying to get rid of homeless people for the Olympics), he could be in danger of homophobia. Yet he thinks and is correct that he’s collected enough evidence to prove that Buck is into him, yet it’s still a leap.

I love Tommy Kinard so much.

Now onto his soulmate, Evan Buckley:

Nearly every single scene or moment before the first kiss, Buck is smiling at Tommy.

In the helicopter, smiling at Tommy.

After Bathena is reunited, Buck is touching Tommy and smiling at him.

During the tour, lots of smiling.

During the basketball scene when they chat at the beginning, Buck is smiling so hard at Tommy. The way he smiles so big when Tommy fist bumps him, and the way his eyes follow Tommy onto the basketball court. God, Buck was crushing so hard.

Even when Tommy showed up to the loft to talk to him, Buck’s first expression (or one of the firsts) was elation. He got Tommy’s attention. Sure, he showed up to Buck’s home unannounced, but Buck was internally happy. He tried to play it off like it was nothing and tried to act surprised, but secretly he was like “yes, I’ve gotten his attention”, but then there was the confused look when he closed the door.

His expression of “I wanted this so badly, but now that he’s here I don’t know what to do” but good thing Tommy had a conversation topic on mind and a schedule to keep.

I swear, sometimes, I think Tommy plans for his interactions with Buck to be kept short so he can seem even more cool when he has to leave. I’m totally not projecting my own method of flirting of “hey look at all the cool plans I have, don’t you want to spend time with me”.

Back to the point:

Even after the kiss, Buck was elated again when Tommy asked him out. His face was so pure and excited when he said “Yes, I’m free”. He finally got what he wanted, and he wanted it even after the kiss. He was ready to be Tommy’s one and only.

Actually, Buck reminds me of that shark post of when lemon sharks get jealous of tiger sharks who befriend the lemon shark’s human scuba diver friend. Idk if it’s actually true about sharks, but that is clearly Evan Buckley coded. Let me find that picture…

Yep, this is definitely Evan Buckley when it comes to Tommy 🤣

I don’t even remember what my original point of this post was, oops.

[sunofpandora]

Virago: Chapter 3

Neteyam x fem na’vi!omaticaya!reader

Characters:

Ka’lik- (like you would pronounce “Malik”) Y/n’s father, deceased, a warrior and hunter of the 

omaticaya clan. A teacher to young warriors undergoing iknimaya.

Zensira-deceased, Y/n’s mother, spider's adoptive mother, a strong hunter and the best singer in the omaticaya clan, and a teacher to young hunters.

Kailo-(Y/n’s ikran. Your ikran is a male)

Popiti-(tuk’s best friend according to the visual dictionary)

(Also idk how many of you know this but Jake’s ikran’s name is canonically ‘Bob’.)

(WARNINGS!

Sharing a sleeping hammock with the opposite gender (non-romantically)-

Neytiri hating on spider/ mentions of insecurities, heartbreak, war,/ fluff/ angst/ mentions of hunting, killing animals, mentions of therapy, military, ptsd, romance, pining, use of military terms/codewords/  fluff ending!

Let me know if I missed anything.

Chapter desc:

Kiri convinced y/n to unload some of her lingering feelings for Neteyam. Y/n reveals that the incident all those years ago that took her parents scarred her deeper than she could have ever anticipated. Is this a battle the mighty archer can’t win? Neteyam has a confrontation with a pathetically simpering Kyuna. 

Authors note:

Here we go! Chapter 3!! It feels insane to be posting the actual third  chapter of this. But holy moly, building up romance is much harder than I thought. This chapter is a long one so grab your favorite snack, find a comfy spot and buckle up. 

I have a small request for my lovely virago readers, please comment on your favorite line, moment, quote, or dynamic from this chapter. This is so I can know what kind of stuff you guys incline towards so I can throw more of it in as the story continues.

IMPORTANT:

hi guys. So I’ve decided to change spiders age from 20 to 19 for plot purposes. Jake and Neytiri are the same age. Tuk is still 7. Kiri is 19, neteyam is 19, Lo’ak and Y/n are 18.

This chapter is split into 3 parts due to tumblers dumbass word limit. This is part 1.

                                                                   V I R A G O         

Chapter 3;

Cupid Wears A Blindfold.

Y/n’s pov-

Word count: 28k (split)

Lo’ak snores. He snores a lot.

This was no epiphany to you, of course. Lo’ak had always been a snorer, much like Jake.

Ever since the sully’s welcomed you into their home when moving to high camp, sleeping arrangements were always abit of a puzzle.

Tuk often slept in all sorts of weird positions. Often rustling and twitching in her sleep. Some nights she nestles her way in between Jake and Neytiri, the poor couple waking up to an elbow jabbing into their skin.

Kiri was your second best option. She didn’t toss or turn, she didn’t kick or jab or roll. Your only deterrent? Kiri mumbled. Oftentimes talking in her sleep to some soft sung spirit she felt within her own solace, her own safety, her own world.

This never found itself to be a disturbance for you. You didn’t mind the mumbling. Kiri however, claimed ‘she loved you too much to keep you up at night’, and wouldn’t hear a word of it when you tried to convince her that it didn’t bother you.

But it wasn't completely in favor of your sleep schedule. Kiri liked her privacy. And you knew that. Better than most, actually. But that’s what was special about your bond with Kiri. You didn’t need words to understand her. And she loved you for it.

I don’t think I need to explain why sharing a hammock with Jake and Neytiri seemed out of the question.

And though most nights it seemed tempting, sleeping with Neteyam was a no-go.

And here you laid. Staring at the ceiling of the Sully family’s tented Marui home, while everyone slept, you damned yourself restless. 

Lo’ak kept snoring in your ear, his breath hitting your neck.

His arm lazily thrown above both your heads, his leg sprawled across your shins. You huffed, attempting to turn the opposite way. The uneven weight caused the tent to dip unanticipatedly, causing you to gasp. Your hand reaches towards the wall to steady the motion, and to prevent you and lo’ak from falling.

You squeezed your eyes shut, taking a breath before shifting yourself evenly again, and Lo’ak continued to snore, his tail now poking your hip. 

Your ears perked up at the sound of a soft rustling, and a gentle yawn.

“Y/n?”

You turn your head, seeing a sleepy Kiri blink at you slowly, her bright golden eyes adjusting to the light.

“What’re you doing up?”

She rested on her elbows, elevating herself a bit to see you more clearly.

You sighed, glancing back at Lo’ak.

“Oh. You know. Just doing a little late night praying. Praying that eywa will take me before his snoring does.”

Your blank tone made Kiri giggle, stifling her laughs with her palm.

“Oh trust me. I've shared a tent with him longer than you have.”

Silence draws between you both as your quiet chuckles slowly start to simmer away under the dark tent top.

Kiri sits up slightly, gesturing with one hand for you to come closer.

You shake your head, hesitantly treading her offer. You knew how kiri liked her distance.

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You? A bother? Y/n, you’re probably the person in this entire tent that bothers me the least.”

You crack a smile, huffing out a small sigh of defeat.

You slip out of your hammock, slithering your way over small objects that became obstacles on the floor with stealthy yet lethargic motions. of the family’s home before successfully snuggling under the blanket of kiri’s larger hammock. Now comfortable without the cramped positioning.

She chuckled, rubbing your back. 

“Comfy?”

You nod, smiling at her.

“You're a lifesaver, Kiri. My hero.”

She ruffles your braids, winking.

“Nah. If anything, you are my hero.”

Kiri and you have always been close, ever since you were children. Your mother and Neytiri were practically attached at the hip, and since you, spider, and lo’ak were always a package deal, you and kiri had grown up playing together.

Kiri was softer spoken as a child, and you were loud and energetic. Your mother always said you were an ocean, and kiri was a lake. You, a soul syncing with the vigorous symphonies of azur-string reprised tidelines and honey-hidden siren songs. The ocean forgives, but it never forgets. Its strength is unmeasured. It waits for nothing.

Kiri was a lake. Lush green ripened grass sits along yellowed-tinted sun hazed stems of oddly-shaped wildflowers and imperfect patterns imprinted on petals. She was calm in the still moving water. You were the strength of the sea. 

You always felt protective over Kiri. 

A part of you couldn't help it. The day you and Kiri grew closer was the same day Jake had to meet with the Olo’eyktan of the Tawkami clan. The day the Chief’s children were teasing Kiri about her fingers. You and Kiri were about 8 at the time, and she really only saw you play around the village or carrying spider on your back as you trailed behind your mother and her daily chores. Or when your mom walked Lo’ak back to his family’s hut the morning after a sleepover with you and spider.

The day the Tawkami Chief’s children that accompanied him were picking and poking at Kiri’s fingers.

And where were you? Right there beside her. Threatening to feed the children to your mother’s ikran and telling them that your human brother would come and give them his demon blood “diseases” if they didn’t leave her alone.

They stopped picking on her, and she stuck by you from then on. Cause no one knew how to better handle bitchy 9 year olds than you did.

Kiri yawns, gently rolling on her side.

“Get some sleep, Y/n.”

You mumbled an ‘mhm’ before letting your eyes drift shut.

Its been about 15 minutes and sleep still evades you. The comforting vibrations of kiri’s warmth doesn’t seem to lull you like you assumed it would.

“Are you awake?”

Kiri whispered, and it startled you a bit. You assumed she was asleep.

You turned to face her and nodded. Her yellow eyes glowing evergreen tints in the darkness.

“Yes. But don’t let me keep you from sleeping, Kiri.”

She shrugs.

“I can’t sleep either.”

You both stay quiet for a moment, letting the silence settle.

 “So, Makeyo spoke with you today?”

The same uneasy feeling returns once again, you blink at Kiri.

You shook your head, your voice quiet as if not to disturb the air around you two.

“We were just talking.”

“About?”

Her whisper courses against the flicker of change in the wind.

You stay quiet once again. Not because its awkward, or uncomfortable.

Sometimes, you felt like there was a shackle chained to your wrist.

The memory of your parents still haunts you.

It shaded you in its prison of night, torturing you to watch the sunlight, but never touch it.

You didn’t love anyone.

And yet, whenever someone offered you their hand, it felt like a trap.

A mockery of betrayal climbs your conscience. It's a hue of warm yellow, drenched in crimson and an agonizing black.

Jake told you that back on earth, he fought with other humans in a war that seemed like it would never end.

Sometimes people come out of bloody experiences constantly trying to wash their body because the smell of blood never leaves their nose.

Jake said it haunts you. Like a ghost. Some of the men he met would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. They wouldn’t laugh as much. Smile as much. What once was a comfort was now a cold, daunting piece of lost memories.

It's everywhere. And it hurts. What hurts most is that you  can't protect yourself from it. Your arrows cannot pierce it. your hands cannot fight it away. 

It’s real in some uncanny sense of a nauseating nostalgia. The type of memory that makes you thin your eyes because it's too bright.

An invisible devotion, it holds you above its disposal.

It keeps you away from falling in love. From holding someone's hand. From laughing at another’s jokes. 

Sometimes you hate what you are. What  you’re made out of. Because your soul constantly fights to build yourself out of ripped pieces of the past.

Because all you ever hear is whispers about where that happy little girl went. The girl who chased sun-dripped river banks with the symphony of children’s laughter.

This pain follows you. 

When you wake from your nightmare’s it’ll sit in the corner. Watching you.

When someone flirts with you, touches your shoulder, brushes a strand of hair out of your face, it’ll be there.

What was the use of falling in love? As a child, you fantasized about having a love like your parents. So pure, so deep, so unexplainably perfect.

Only for them to die because of something you couldn't protect them from.

It’s not that you feared death. You feared the instantaneousness of it.

The unforeseen figment of a shape only for it to reveal itself to be a scythe.

They didn’t know it would happen, and neither did you.

And you weren’t fucking there. And now they are gone.

Never getting to watch you or spider grow to be full adults.  

Leaving their children without so much as a goodbye.

Your only true goal was to die honorably on the battlefield. If you couldn’t find peace, maybe your ghost could.

Love was a weakness.

And when you fall in love, the shell of that pain will disguise itself under their soul.

You  shrugged, your eyes averting away from Kiri. There's disconnected fatigue in your tone.

“He was nice.”

“Just nice?”

Kiri raises her eyebrow, scooting a bit closer to you.

You  sighed, unsure of how to carry on this conversation. So you’re grateful when she does it for you.

“He’s a good guy. I've seen him help you teach the younger kids. They love him, always trying to climb on his back and asking him to carry them around.”

You nod.

“He’s a good teacher..”

you trail off, fidgeting with one of 

Your  bracelets. The one tuk made you, the one with mismatched bead sizes and colors. Juvenile plotted patterns in the small vibrant hues.

Kiri snickers.

“He might have to get in line with all your other eager suitors.”

you roll your eyes, poking her with your tail.

It wasn't unusual that Kiri teased you about getting attention. 

Lo’ak’s friends sometimes whisper, quietly laughing and shoving each other as you walk by. It becomes hard not to notice as it becomes a frequent pattern.

Sometimes the guys in the hunting party Neteyam was often in, gently tapped each other on the shoulder, more subtly gesturing as you walked around camp or left for a ride, or even just helped with daily chores.

Their attempts usually deem themself futureless when Spider and Lo’ak glare at them, shoo them away the same way you would a pestering flock of birds.

Its a normality. Though spider was only a year older than you, he policed your love life just the same as any older sibling would. He didn't care that you were taller, stronger, bigger than him.

You scoffed.

“They’ll have to get through dumb and dumber first.”

Kiri huffed, annoyed with the two idiots in question.

“Don’t trust their judgment. They share one singular brain cell and it malfunctions half the time.” 

The both of you laugh, trying to keep quiet. You bury your face in Kiris shoulder as the hammock shakes with your giggles.

You both sigh after a moment, still smiling.

“I can’t blame them.  You’re perfect.”

She whispered.

There's a withering sense of somber behind her voice. It lacked bitterness, but it simmered on a ember, an ephemeral flicker of blue. The sounds of sloshed ash-blue sunsets and burnt-orange auras.

“I am not.”

You mumbled.

Kiri looked up at the top of the tented-hut. The small sparks of comforting vibrations from your bodies nuzzled under the woven blanket that allows only the softest of shivers to seize past the fabric.

“You remind me of my mother. The stories of her in her youth. The perfect woman. Strong, admired, sought out by many, envied by most..”

She trailed off.

If only kiri knew you didn’t feel like that at all.

“You’re my idea of perfection, Kiri.”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes.

Kiri was pretty. You had to remind her of that sometimes. The way her golden eyes shined under a sheet of jaded-glowing evergreen, that of a hued green in a canvassed jungle canopy. Her uneven, choppy, imperfectly, perfectly shaped bangs that fell over her forehead, gentle wisps of dark feathered thick strands.

Kiri’s hair was slightly lighter than most na’vi women. You loved that about her, the almost dark auburn shades of brown that hollowed in chalked streaks of a honeyed glow, proving herself her biological mother’s daughter.

But the one thing you adored most about Kiri?

Her love for Eywa.

You could only envy it.

After the death of your mother, your once undying devotion for the great mother started to rot. You felt like she had failed you. Taken away the most precious piece of your soul and damned her name for tearing you apart and leaving you to pick up the pieces. 

You were angry those first few months, and you think differently now. But your breath still shallows at the thought.

Your smiles fade, and the air around you feels hollow for a moment.

“I wish i could see through your eyes, kiri.”

Kiri squeezed your hand, gently holding it to her chest.

“I know you’ve been hurt, Y/n. I know this pain is great..But the great mother has a plan for you. I believe it above all else.You are strong. Stronger than any spirit she has seen…You bring the wailing ash and fire of the demon ships to pity with just your arrowhead. We will heal together, y/n. I will teach you to find your faith again.”

You let your eyes flutter closed.

Your beautiful, sweet Kiri. This wasn’t romance. This was sisterly love in its purest form.

“..Do you ever think about him?”

The question stills you, you looked up at her and blink.

“Who?”

“My brother.”

The comforting warmth suddenly becomes a sweltering heave of heat. You swallow thickly, looking down.

“No.”

Kiri shakes her head.

“Please. Don’t lie to me, Y/n.”

There it is again, the hole in your heart.

“Yes. I think of him sometimes.”

Silence settles again.

“Is it wrong?”

You whisper.

Kiri shakes her head.

“No. its just that he doesn't deserve to live in your mind.”

Kiri loves her older brother. She truly does. But she was right beside you when he drifted away. Even ignoring him because she was angry with how he had treated you.

You squeezed your eyes shut for a moment, cupping her hand in yours.

“I hate it.”

“Hate what?”

“How i feel like a piece of me is missing.”

Kiri’s eyes soften.

“Oh y/n…”

“No.”

Your voice breaks only slightly.

“No. because im better now.

I hated him. I hated his hands. I hated his voice. I hated his back. I hated his arms. I hated his neck. I hated his nose. I hated his ears. I hated when he promised to protect me, I hated when he left me crying in the rain. I hated that I waited for him. I hated that he promised all the stars in the sky were mine. I hated him.

I don’t hate him anymore. I hate the delusions of himself he put inside my head.

I hate how he weakened me.”

Kiri gently brushed some of your braids behind your shoulder

“Heartbreak doesn’t make you weak. If anything, it shows we had something inside of us so beautiful and rare it was worth mourning.”

You blinked back the fresh sting in your eyes. Taking a shaky breath.

“Oh my dear.”

Kiri whispered, hugging you close.

“Get some rest. You don’t need to think about anything right now, I promise.”

You nodded.

“Yeah. yeah okay.”

“You know what? In the morning let’s go bother norm for a bit. Would that make you feel better?”

You chuckled, hugging her back before you both settled in respective places in her hammock.

“It always does,”

Sleep soon found you, taking you in its arms and soothing the sweet darkness.

Across the tent, Neteyam laid awake, his hands clutching a blanket of his own, his body still tensed after what he had just heard.

☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ 

The next day.

You liked hunting with Jake.

It was high on your list of some of the chores you enjoyed contributing with your new found life in high camp living with the sullies.

Spending time with jake was a bonus. Jake and your family went way back. Your mother was one of the only navi that welcomed him upon his unexpected arrival. She was the one who lended him an older loincloth for him to wear that first night he was captured and the omaticaya took away his RDA uniform, and while he had his first ever meal with the clan at high camp. 

Your mother also played a huge role in his journey to become a man of the omaticaya people.

Teaching him things like weaving, beading, and some of the language along with Neytiri.

Your mother was the one who constantly pestered neytiri about her growing feelings for the dreamwalker, helping her unbraid her hair for the nights he spent with jake, letting her cry, laugh, scream, like any good sister would.

Your mother and Neytiri mourned sylwanin together. And your mother grew closer with Mo’at and eytukan as mentors as well, despite neytiri and your mother not being sisters by blood, they loved each other just the same.

Jake and you had a good relationship. Jake often helped train the younger warriors, neteyam, you and lo’ak included.

You were always the fastest, the strongest out of the group, since you were 15.

Jake remembers when you were small. Carrying spider around and chasing lo’ak, bringing gifts to baby tuk, playing in the flower patches with neteyam and making him wear the bracelets and crowns you would braid out the stemmed petals.

Jake was there with you when your parents died, and he ws there when you moved into highcamp with the sully family.

He was there when you had nightmares and woke up in the middle of the night screaming,

You remember those nights, when the images of your mothers body would rip you from your sleep and you’d almost shake poor lo’ak out of the shared hammock with your sobbing and pleading.

You remember jake rushing to you, gently holding you by your shoulders, gently utting your head to his chest.

‘Sweetheart hey- hey i’m here. Mawey, Mawey..easy- easy…there we go. Deep breaths..’

The hoarse tiredness in his voice as oddly comforting.

You remember shaking your head, settling yur breathing as the tears began to flow.

“I-i’m sorry..it was just another bad dream.”

“Hey. never apologize for having a nightmare. You’re okay. You’re safe here. Okay? C’mon. Let's take a walk-that’ll calm you down.”

You trusted jake. You always have. Even today, in the present. So of course you liked hunting with him.

But most of all? You loved flying.

Your ikran was your spirit brother, sometimes even following your commands without tsaheylu. 

The bond you had was strong, stronger than most ikran’s are capable of.

And the best part? He had a temper just like you did. The first time you almost met death was your iknimiya. 

Your ikran threw you off the cliff, and then flew down to attack you further.

Jake and Neytiri had to hold Neteyam back from swooping into save you.

But you did it. You completed your rite and claimed Kailo as your own.

And you soared with him now, above the clouds, barely containing the smile etched on your face as the wind whips through your braids.

You loved heights. You loved how infinitely endless the sky seemed, burning with blasts of azure or an early morning blaze of fire-hued sunrises, or the cold warmth of the rain that refused to fall within the stars.

Revered by the scattered songs of synodic vespers and requiems of rainstorms. The sky cannot be caged. It cannot be concealed or hidden, it is your sanctuary, enraptured by effortless divinity and strength.

Your ikran let out a shrill and you pet its neck.

“Easy, Kailo..”

You hummed, looking over to jake, who sat atop his own companion, Bob. His dreads caught in the wind behind him as he waved for your attention.

“y/n!”

The wind carried his volume.

“I think we should take a break. In an hour or two the yerik herds will come to the river bank. Let’s law low in the woods.”

“Yes sir.”

You gently kicked Kailos' side, tilting the reins to descend after Jake into the forest, weaving around trees and foliage.

You laugh as a gust of wind trails you and Kailo, almost throwing Jake off his line of flight. Kailo was one of the fastest ikran your clan had ever seen. At least, that’s what the elders of the clan had told you.

Lo’ak was often jealous of spider because spider always got free rides on Kailo. You land before Jake, hopping off Kailo’s back and petting his neck.

“Mawey, tsmukan”

(calm, brother.)

Jake landed after you, the sound of ikran wings announcing his arrival. He climbed down right after you, patting the neck of his own Ikran, bob.

Jake spotted some Yovo fruit trees up ahead, cutting you both down a few as you both sat down on some rocks for  snack break.

Jake leaned back, handing you a half of his own fruit as you muttered a small thank you.

His eyes wandered, as he glanced up at the trees, as if his gaze had become conscious of every shape and sound that surrounded him.

“I remember this place.”

Jake uttered in a soft hum in the air, his line of sight tracing around the figment of  nostalgic fixation in the air.

You raised an eyebrow, munching on your fruit.

“Here? At this spot?”

Jake nods, nudging your shoulder with his knuckles. Pointing to the source of the sound of trickling water.

“The pond. Back when I was training for iknimaya. Way before your time.”

He smirked, as if it was something to brag about.

You rolled your eyes,

“Oh goody. Another one of grandpa's war stories.” 

Jake chucked a Yovo fruit at your head but you caught it effortlessly, not even glancing.

“I’m not that old.” he huffs, clearly impressed at your  heightened reflexes.

You chuckled, flipping your knife in your hand to withdraw it from its place in the sheath on your hip to cut open the fruit.

“Can’t move it like you used to, huh pops?”

“You know, I could have you banished.”

“Than who would save Lo’ak next time he wants to play tag with a thanator?”

Jake ruffled your braids in response to your surmise, clearly holding back a smile.

“Where would I be without ya, kid?”

You shrugged, handing him another half of the freshly cut fruit.

“Probably in one of those healing homes back on earth.”

“You mean nursing homes.”

“Same thing.”

Jake shook his head, letting out a sigh, knowing it was probably spider who taught you such a term.

He glanced around again, brushing in the scenery.

A silence commences between you both, the soft shrills and distant flap of wings within the deep jungle is the only sound that demands attention.

Jake speaks softly, breaking the silence with fragile, yet scrambled steps.

“She never fails to take my breath away.”

You look up at him, watching as he leaned back against the tree, letting his eyes flutter closed.

“Who?” you whisper.

“Pandora.”

He hums in response.

you often forgot Jake wasn’t from this planet. That his true home could only be seen as the sirius among scattered stars. What was it like? Seeing your home from below? The only thing worth touching is the implacable incarnation of your memories.

To hide what was left of yourself, a mere ghost that lingered in the wrinkled corners of your mind.

“What was it like..your home?”

You whispered.

Jake’s ears perk up, his eyes landing on you as he sat up slightly.

He stayed quiet for a moment. Staring up at the sky, his finger gently tracing one of the stripes on his leg as his gaze remained absent.

“It’s like living on a skeleton.”

When he finally speaks, it's quite literally the last thing you would have guessed he would say.

You raised your eyebrow.

“A skeleton..?”

He nodded.

“Earth is just a shell. Like the carcass of an animal. A corpse, almost.”

“I don’t understand.”

He nodded, scooting a bit closer to you, starting to speak again.

“Earth used to be beautiful. So many colors you couldn’t count them all.” 

You nodded, trying to imagine the formless figment of a world in which you’ve never seen.

He closed his eyes, as if trying to remember.

“There was light, lots of it. The air, the sun, the stars…”

You blinked at him.

“What happened to it?”

Jake paused, something creeping behind the orbs of his irises. It's a sickening dark shade of a color he can’t remember, but its bitter aching bones are enough to weaken the courage of a once strong rhythmic heartbeat.

It’s a shadow of an echo. Gutted inside something hollow and carved out of shivering pulses running to a soured stillness.

“Humans will take until nothing is left. They will gawk at the lights of a stupid billboard instead of noticing the dying grass under their feet.”

What's a billboard? 

You thought, but decided not to ask.

You stayed quiet, staring at the ground.

“That’s why they want this planet. Because they killed their old one.”

Jake nods, sighing almost regretfully.

“They think the na’vi is their greatest enemy, when really, the ones who have killed the most humans are…well, more humans.”

You can’t imagine it. Taking a life without regarding the soul you have soiled. Does the red on their hands not sting their eyes?

And that's when you realized it.

Death hummed shallowly in its own pulsating methods. But even the devil has an advocate.

You killed. You have killed many. And it doesn’t seem to register until that very moment. You never thought to count the number of raids you had accompanied your clan on, Jake appointed you as his main archer when you were only 15.

When rage and grief overshadowed the shallowness of sunlight all you wanted to do was avenge.

An untamed anger was born in you when your parents died. And you swore every arrow you ever shot was in their names.

Zensira.

Kai’lik.

Zensira.

Kai’lik.

How would they look at you now? 

Their little girl. The little girl they loved. Their beautiful, beautiful precious girl who loved to hear her mother sing. Their little girl who loved to carry your big brother spider around, (because your big brother wasn’t so big compared to you.)

Who loved to visit the pond and play with lo’ak. Who liked to make bracelets with kiri and get thrown into the lake by your dad, tossing around your small body when you were 7 as you squealed through the freshwater air.

A killer.

“Y/n? Y/n. Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

Jake placed a hand on your shoulder, but his touch felt cold.

Jake’s voice sounded like your head was under water. Blurred, distant sounds.

Your breath becomes shallow, but you weren’t hyperventilating. You were just…still.

What if you had failed them? What if they were watching you right now?

Knowing you had killed. Not hunted.

Hunting was for survival. To feed your family, your friends, your clan.

This was killing. This wasn’t a need. It was a want. A want for vengeance.

Were you even a na’vi at all? Killing without respect for life even if they were a human.

Your mother forgave. Your father forgot.

And what were you? A disgrace of everything they stood for.

Your voice came out like a whisper. Every thought and feeling swirling around in your head. Despite your silent panic, the air felt eerily calm, and almost mocking ambience.

“Did I disappoint them?”

Jake stilled for a moment, rubbing your back.

“Who?”

“All of them.”

“All of them?”

You swallowed thickly.

“Y/n..you know you can talk to me, right?”

You nodded, staying quiet for a moment as you stared down at your shaking hands.

“Am I a bad person?”

Jake’s eyes widen a bit for a moment, his hand slowly withdrawals from its place on your shoulder.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because sometimes I like the way pain feels.”

Something clicked for Jake at that moment. 

Where you saw your hand bloodied by a manic anger and bones with regretful splintered scars, Jake saw a shadow. A shadow of a distressed consciousness that he once acquainted himself with.

Jake was no stranger to products of war. Even when those products were souls losing their vibrancy. The colors fading into hardened flesh.

Jake had seen war turn people into hollow shells. Unheard prayer scattered and dissipated under a blood-stained sky.

Jake finally spoke, but his words, slow and somber, treaded a steeper meaning.

“You aren’t a bad person, Y/n. You’ve been hurt. Hurt by people even eywa cannot forgive.”

You shook your head, the threat canvassed along perpetual doubts.

“I don’t know why I’m like this.”

You admitted.

Jake places his hand back on your shoulder again.

“Sometimes people like us, soldiers, we start to like the pain because we think it’s the only thing we'll ever deserve. But we don’t like it at all. Not really.”

You can almost see it. The stars are falling again. The tapestry thread being pulled mercilessly. The colors are falling. The sun is turning cold. 

You had to catch them. You had to chase the colors or else they would abandon you again.

Your reflection seems distorted. Liquid glass in the taunting shape of a little girl.

A little girl who knew no bloodshed. No war. No pain. No anger.

You would never be that little girl again. And its all your fault. You wanted to kill someone after your parents died. You wanted to kill every single human that worked for the RDA or even set foot on their base.

It’s sick.

It’s wrong.

It’s vile.

But its you. This wreckage of scars and bruises, tattered tapestries and broken bird songs, its all you.

That all too familiar sting hit the back of your throat, you could feel your gaze numbing.

“I’m beyond fixing.”

You whispered.

“No one is beyond fixing.”

He promised.

“Can you take some deep breaths with me? Just a few, Y/n.”

You followed his instructions, and the red started to simmer away. The air felt forgiving once again, and your throat started to feel normal once again.

You spoke again finally, after a few moments of silence.

“Maybe I should have my na’vi card revoked.”

You chuckled dryly.

Jake patted your back. “You and me both, kiddo.”

“What you feel is normal.”

He added.

“That anger. That vengeance.”

You glanced up at him. “Na’vi are supposed to solve conflict peacefully first. War is just a last resort.”

Jake scoffed.

“I think we’ve reached the last resort awhile ago, Sweetheart.”

You went to speak, but were quickly cut off.

“y/n you are not some kind of psychopath. You don’t kill for no reason. You kill to protect. You fight because something dear to you is threatened, that's what makes a warrior true to their heart, their clan.”

His words eased your anxiety a bit. But the shadow behind the sun still creeped disguised under the warmth of forgiveness.

“I’m not a bad person. I don’t know why I want them to feel pain.”

You whispered.

Sometimes you wondered if pretending to be made out of stone means you’d still break like glass.

War was the type of calm that tranquilized. Drugged you into delusions of comfort.

Somewhere inside you was that little girl. She hates you. She hates you with all her heart.

Somewhere inside you is that 15 year old that’s waiting for neteyam in the rain you swear is just falling stars. She hates you. She hates you with all  her heart.

Somewhere inside you is your mothers daughter. Wondering who did this to you.

You didn’t like violence But you were prone to it. 

You didn’t like war. But you're afraid of the day it no longer has a use for you.

War ruined you. Because war made you angry. And anger tortured you.

You weren’t deserving of sunlight, maybe that's why you familiarize yourself with the bleakness of dusk.

Maybe that’s why you loved Neteyam.

Maybe that’s why you hated yourself.

Maybe that’s why you’ve trained yourself with blood stains and tear tracks.

Your mother was forgiving. She adopted a human child after watching her family die, and hometree fall.

She devoted herself to eywa, a woman true to the kindness of her heart and the flame of forgiveness.

She had seen fire and escaped it.

You had seen fire and burned with it.

The shackles on your wrist. The burning in your throat.

You were a child forced into a warrior.

And maybe it was time to heal, but why didn’t it allow you?

This shadow oppressed you. And maybe this prolonged insanity was a good sanctuary to be understood, not severed. Your bones were made of seared iron, the fissure of a once porcelain excellence.

War had ruined you. And ruined things didn’t deserve to be loved.

Jake pulled you close to him, wrapping an arm around you, you leaned your head on his shoulder.

“You’re one of the fucking strongest people i know. You know that?”

He whispered, and the simplicity of his touch settled an almost agonizing comfort.

“Can you fix me?”

You whisper.

Jake shook his head.

“Y/n.  You are not something to be fixed. You need to be healed. And I know you can do it. And we’ll be right beside you the whole damn time.”

You let yourself close your eyes.

“You're a soldier, kid. Just like me. A fighter.  It’s all we think we know, all we think we’ll ever deserve. We swear to live and die on that battlefield.”

You nod.

“Sometimes it feels like the battlefield is the closest to home.”

Jake speaks once more,

“Until you find someone who feels a little closer.”

By the way he smiled softly, you knew he was talking about Neytiri.

You leaned further into his shoulder, and he patted your back.

“You know, back on earth, we have a special way of dealing with cases like these. Soidlers who need trauma relief.”

You blinked at him, immediately intrigued.

“You do? How?”

“Therapy.”

You tried the strange human word out on your tongue.

“Ther…ah…pey-

There-a-pay-”

“Therapy.”

Jake corrected gently.

“What’s that?” You asked, as Jake stood up, putting his knife back in his sheath.

“Its where you go to someone who can help you talk things out. Iv’e seen a few back in my days. Military psychologists are what we call em’.”

You raised your eyebrow.

From spending time with max, norm, and spider, you knew that humans had a different way of dealing with their feelings than na’vi did. But this new information peaked your interest.

“How can i find one?”

Jake paused.

That’s a damn good question.

He thought to himself.

He hummed for a moment, petting bobs neck and you put your bow back in its place on your saddle.

“How about this, every few days, you and I can meet.”

Jake proposed.

You raised your eyebrows.

“Where?”

He shrugged. “Anywhere you want. We can go to one of the mountains, or the stream, or the caves, whatever. It can be private. And we can talk like you would to a therapist.”

You considered it for a moment, but after all, maybe this would fix you.

You shook on it and agreed.

“Deal.”

Jake ruffled your braids and smiled.

“Attagirl. Lets get moving. Those yerik are probably at the lake by now. I’ll race you.”

You mounted Kailo, rolling your eyes.

“I don’t abuse the elderly.”

“Oh fuck off i’m not that old.”

You faked a wince as jake mounted Bob.

“Oo, careful grandpa. You shouldn't be moving too much like that.”

Jake flipped you off.

“Kiss the darkest side of my blue as-”

Before he could finish, You and Kailo took to the skies. 

☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ 

Back at high camp..

Neteyam’s pov:

Lo’ak groaned as he laid in his hammock.

Today felt like small pieces had been torn out of it. The absence of my father, my mother, Kiri and Y/n all contributed to this unease.

It fascinating how easily little pieces of things leave something so unstructured when certain routines in your life undergoes a sudden cessation. Only fragments of familiarity keep me company today.

Oh, yeah. That and Lo’ak’s bitching.

I’m never one to complain. Not really. But Lo’ak…He was my personal acception.

I’ve been stuck with him since this morning. My father took Y/n out to hunt early before I awoke, and my mother and Kiri have gone to assist my grandmother in the Tsahik tent. Lo’ak lost his flight privileges after that little stunt he pulled during the raid, and I don’t feel like going anywhere alone. I offered to join my father last night on his hunt this morning, but my father insisted he and Y/n go hunting alone.

I offered to help my grandmother, but Kiri beat me to it. My mother asked me to stay home and start preparing for tonights meal. So here i was hunched over chopping up root vegetables while I was stuck in this void we called home. I felt detached today. Like the world just floated around me while I remained rooted like a weathering tree.

My accidental overhearing over my sister and Y/n talking last night is still fresh on my mind.

“Dude..I think you’re done with that one.”

Lo’ak’s voice finally reaches my ears.

I lift my head, and he points down to where i had clearly been so distracted, i had diced the poor vegetable into tiny pieces, too small to be cooked over a fire. They would shrivel away in the smoke.

I threw them to the side, trying to refocus.

“What is up with you today?” Lo’ak interrogates instead of asking. I keep my eyes down, shrugging.

“Nothing. Why?”

He shrugs, mocking my movements, leaning back in his hammock, leaving his leg to dangle, his toes brushing the ground.

“Dunno. You just seem kinda…off?”

I sigh, scraping the new batch of chopped vegetables off the carved board i was cutting them on and into the wooden bowl with my knife.

“Just a bit tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night”

Technically, that wasn’t a lie. Which seems in my favor, if you remember from earlier, I’m a shit liar. 

Memory was a funny thing. It claws at your mind until you grant it consciousness, and then it romances itself with such scandalous notions. Unforgiving us for ever dreaming of forgetting.

It wants to awake something in us that we can only pray stays dead.

I knew I shouldn't have been listening to Y/n’s words. I knew I should have been asleep.

But know that it’s found me, it captures me.

I want to exist in her mind not only as a figment, because there’s one particular part that is beating the shit out of me.

‘I don’t hate him anymore. I hate the delusions of himself he put inside my head.’

I used to think she only hated me. Hated me for my ignorance, my hesitance, my fear.

I hated it too.

But no. She hated me because she thought i lied to her, gave her something so precious, so inexplicably binding only to shatter it infront of her eyes.

My love for her was never a lie. It was never a joke, or a ruse, or a figment in this phantom of longing that looms over me. 

I couldn’t allow this to go on any longer. That I knew for sure.

Unfortunately, getting to Y/n was a wall i couldn’t seem to climb.

When she wasn’t out hunting or strategizing air strikes with my father, she was with spider, and Spider didn’t let me go within 5 feet of Y/n.

I had to admire him for it, despite him becoming a vicissitude in the middle of my current mission, I had to give him some slack as a fellow oldest sibling.

If anyone had hurt kiri, or tuk (when she came of age to engage in such ‘romantic affairs’) ,  if anyone hurt them the way I hurt y/n, I’d probably have to put my mother’s years of archery lessons to use. Granted, My father would probably skin the poor bastard and wear him as a coat before I even got a chance.

I can’t blame him for protecting Y/n. 

I try to think further as i continue chopping, my tail flicking behind me.

I decide Kiri is my best option. I’ll find her when she returns from Tsahik’s tent. Eywa please, just give me one chance. I swear i’ll-

“Where’s Tuk?”

Lo’ak suddenly pipes up, he probably got bored with his own laziness.

I glance up at him as i scarped off my knife.

“Kyuna picked her up this morning to take her to play with popiti for the day.”

Lo’ak raised an eyebrow.

“Kyuna?”

I nodded, not looking up.

“Your new mate?”

I don’t like the way he said ‘new mate’. As if i had one in the first place.

I shake my head, slightly annoyed.

“She’s not my mate. I’m not interested in kyuna.”

“Tuk said-”

“Tuk doesnt know what shes talking about.”

Lo’ak shrugs, leaning back to sit up a bit, looking at me with skeptical eyes.

“What’s really going on with you?”

“I don’t know what you speak of.”

He scoffs. “I’m not stupid, Neteyam. You’re acting off. You have all morning, all day, and even now. Whats the deal?”

I place my knife down, glaring at my brother.

“I don’t owe you an explanation. Okay?”

The tent falls silent, and I continue on with my chores, I hear Lo’ak mutter a small apology under his breath. I cave.

“No, I’m just tired..I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”

Lo’ak nods, fidgeting with his songchord.

“If you don’t want kyuna…You aren’t thinking about Y/n. right?”

Lo’ak was more than displeased when I started courting y/n. And he didn’t try to hide it either.

Lo’ak loves y/n. Not romantically. But he loves her. 

It’s the kind of closeness that isn’t sex or intimately deep.

Lo’ak always felt like the distant star in our family. The one who strays from the perfect rotation of each patterned path.

His hands were stained with hunger. Imperfect painted sun blood stained skies.

Lo’ak’s trust in us was ghostly and transluscent. He didn’t always feel like he fit the shape carved for him.

Lo’ak’s imperfect edges, sharpened and rough, scarred and edged to a point.

He found his place between Spider and Y/n. His bestest friends. Two people he would die for.

Found his own sky.

Dark blue and purple hues and the warmth of pale moonlight, he found his place.

When Lo’ak found something that accepted him, he protected it with his life.

And I can’t blame him. Being in love your brother's best friend is awkward. 

Lo’ak was afraid of me stealing that away from him.

Of me invading his circle.

The reality of a sacrifice is an odd, unevenly constructed abstraction.

People don’t think I was born from my mother, rather I was carved from stone and polished to a pristine hue of gold.

My parents expected me to build myself wings and fly further than anyone had ever tried.

When the line wasn’t perfectly straight, it was erased and made a new slate. Blank. Perfect. Spotless.

And sometimes, I’m not neteyam to my parents.

I’m my mother, just a younger version.

I am my father, worn thin from a war and plagued by my past promises.

I’m just a shell of something that was no more. Something to refill with their own pieces of the past.

My skin and soul is only stitched out of parts of them. But only the unscathed parts.

Anything that dared to be less than that was indescent. Unworthy of the light.

My mother’s anger, my fathers guilt, was a far too discolored shade to be seen in the sky.

My existence was like a kaleidoscope of muted colors. A prism turned prison.

I think I’ve forgotten how to slouch. How to sit with an unwelcome posture. How to fidget and how to fantasize.

My entire life is full of sacrifices.

Sacrificing y/n for my future.

Sacrificing my brothers best friend. My future mate.

But I’ll be damned if I loose her again.

So, I lie for the second time.

“No. I wasn’t thinking about y/n, idiot.”

Lo’ak nods,

Leaning back, closing his eyes. I mentally high five eywa because he doesn’t interrogate me further.

“You know, instead of taking a nap, you could be helping me.”

I huff, and fight the urge to roll my eyes, and he sighs dramatically.

“Neteyam, I’m too pretty for slave labor.”

I throw a vegetable at his head and he hisses in pain.

“Fuck you. That’s sibling abuse.”

He whines.

“I’m about to abuse my responsibilities with this knife if you don’t get up off your lazy ass and do something useful with your existence.”

I point my knife at him and he groans, standing up and leaving the hammock.

“Easy there, big bro. Spider will be here soon.”

I raise my brow, an uneasy feeling settling in my chest.

“Spider? Here?”

He nods.

“Yeah. We have chores to do too, ya know.”

I shake my head, slicing the new vegetable horizontally, watching the colored juices trickle down the roots and stain the cutting board.

“No. Not here. You know how mother feels about spider.”

Spider was my mother’s foil. An old term our father taught us.

My mother owed Zensira her life. And she swore to her a long time ago, that if anything happened to her or ka’lik, she would step up to be a mother to y/n, the same went for my father.

But Zensira didn’t have one child. She had two. Spider was not biologically her child, but he was treated like her son all the same. Living in Y/n’s family’s tent, being cared for, the same way any mother would nurture a child.

My mother made promises for y/n. But she never made any for spider.

I don’t think she ever will.

To her, he was a demon. And alien. The type of animal with no hope of survival, but refuses to die. Remains unyielding even under the unwelcoming atmosphere of pandora.

He was an actor. A pathetic excuse of a performance.  A pale child painted blue.

My mother loves y/n the same way she loves tuk and Kiri. Would go the same lengths for her as she would for any of her children, and the same thing applies to my father.

Spider was allowed everywhere in high camp except our family’s hut.

My grandmothers hut was an exception, because it was a communal place in our clan. 

But my mother refused to have any sky demon’s presence scathe the memories of her home. Her only safe place. Where she raised her children and started her new life.

That’s probably why Lo’ak spent so much time at Y/n’s hut when he was little. It was one of the only places he could be comfortably with both Y/n and Spider at the same time.

“You know how mom feels about spider in the hut.”

Lo’ak’s expression is blanked with disinhibited concern and a genuine lack of guilt.

“Mom isn’t here. She’ll be gone all day. Plus, we’re making y/n some new arrows. She’s on that group hunt tonight.”

I crossed my arms.

“And who allowed you to mess with her supplies?”

Lo’ak scoffed. Placing his hands on his hips with a cocky grin.

“The mighty archer herself. I’ve been appointed by Y/n and tasked with a very important job. Who am I to decline her?”

“Just make sure he isn’t here for long. She can smell him if he’s been in here. You know mom’s senses.”

Lo’ak waves me off, standing to his feet, grabbing the small baskets of purple and red feathers y/n used for the fletching of her arrows, and starts to tie them to the shaft of the arrow.

Spider joined him not long after, the two if them sat in the middle of the tent, crafting arrows and talking.

Spider glanced at me after finishing another arrow.

“So where is everyone today?”

“Father took Y/n hunting. My mother and Kiri are assisting grandmother- and Tuk is with popiti.”

Spider raised an eyebrow at me, his mask fogging up momentarily with each breath.

“Who? Popiti?”

Lo’ak rolled his eyes.

“Kyuna’s little sister.”

Spider nodded in realization, then his expression soured.

Lo’ak snorted. “Neteyam’s new mate.”

“For the 5th time, she’s not my mate.”

Spider chuckles along with him and I swear i’m losing neurons from just breathing the same air as Lo’ak and Spider.

Or really, just Lo’ak.

I stood to my feet as i heard footsteps outside. Tuk must’ve  finished up her activities with Popiti for the day.

Usually, It was An’kora. Popiti’s mother, who walked Tuk home in the afternoons.

But when I opened the flap. I’m faced with a face that isn’t my little sister, her braids slightly disheveled from a day of wild fantasies and games of tag. 

A na’vi girl, with mid length braids and a beaded top smiles at me so sweetly it’s sickening. 

You know those kinds of people that you've known since your childhood, and you always knew in one way or another, they would grow up to be assholes?

Yeah. That's Kyuna.

Kyuna was the girl that never let Spider or Kiri, Or Lo’ak play any of her games because of their ‘sky people germs'. 

Kyuna was the girl that told everyone not to sit next to Y/n in the communal lessons we attend as children, telling everyone that she lived with a human boy who gave her diseases.

She does this thing where she laughs into her hand, and leans on the person closest to her, expecting them to allow her access nto their personal space as if the world had her name written on it.

She bows slightly, her movements unnecessarily exaggerated as she raises her two fingers to her forehead and dips them down.

“Oel ngati kameie, Neteyam.”

I return the gesture, nodding at her.

“Kyuna. It’s good to see you.”

No it’s not.

She bats her eyes at me, and my annoyance only simmers away when a familiar smaller na’vi body slams herself into my leg, pressing her head into my hip.

I chuckle softly, ruffling Tuk’s braids.

“Hey Tuk-Tuk. Did you have a fun time?”

I pat her shoulder as she opens her mouth to speak, her big eyes sparkling before she’s cut off by a shriek-like voice.

“Oh she had tons of fun! Her and Popiti just ran around for hours playing their silly little games.”

When you're an older sibling, you start to catch onto things. You start to memorize your younger siblings' habits, mannerisms, movements, even the slightest twitch of their tail. 

Tuk was a creature of habit. And I could tell by the way she gently tugged on my loincloth, and the way she tucked herself behind my arm, she was uncomfortable.

I reach my hand out, and she takes it within a split second, gently borrowing herself in the space behind me.

I lean down a bit, keeping my hand in it’s place on her shoulder.

“Are you hungry? Why don’t you go on inside, yes? Spider and Lo’ak are already sitting. I’m sure Lo’ak would love to make you some seed-leaf wraps.”

Her tail flicks at the mention of her favorite snack, and she finally cracks a smile, before jogging inside.

“She’s adorable. Isn’t she??”

Kyuna sighs in an almost dreamily manner, I stand up straight again to face her.

“My mother was informed An’kora was taking Tuk home today. Did something come up?”

She waves me off, ridding my concern from the air.

“Mother got tied up on foraging duty. I figured I'd watch the girls and walk Tuk home.”

I nod, slowly. “Ah. Well, thank you for taking her home.”

She smiles, tilting her head like a viperwolf begging for scraps.

“Oh. No need to thank me. She’s precious, that little Tuktirey.”

I never liked the way she talked about my sister. Her tone was almost mocking, as if she was describing a doll or some kind of inanimate object. 

“Well. I should get going. I don’t trust lo’ak alone with the firepit and Tuk is probably hungry-”

“My father wanted me to invite you on his next hunt. Are you free midday tomorrow?”

I wasn’t surprised when she offered. It’s all she talked about the last 4 times I had saw her.

The one time I did agree, all the man would talk about was what kinds of flowers Kyuna liked, and how no one had courted her yet.

My eywa, I wonder why.

There’s an unsteady rhythm that inhabits itself in my chest. The kind that sets off warning signals in your brain.

I scratch the back of my head awkwardly, my knuckle brushing my tswin.

“It’s a kind offer, really. But I’m already expected to join the night hunt tonight. The one led by y/n and my father.”

She stared at me with some notion of unrequited enamour, and I almost feel bad for her.

“I’m sorry. Maybe another time?”

She nods, her tail swishing behind her.”

“Of course. I’d expect nothing less from the future olo’eyktan of our clan.”

The emphasis on my title seems almost slurred, and my body instinctively takes a step back the moment she takes a step forward.

“Yes, well, my training has only been increasing.”

“Such a strong warrior. A man of the people. I’m surprised you don’t have the women of our clan falling at your feet. Oh, wait You do!”

Why was she yelling? I’m literally two feet in front of her.

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet.

“I should get back inside, kyuna.”

“One more thing, Neteyam?”

I don’t turn my body fully towards her, but my eyes focus on her figure nonetheless.

“There’s been rumors.”

Something twists in my stomach the moment she says that. Like a static running blank. Or soundwaves straightening into lines.

“What?”

“People talk. And there’s been word that the future olo’eyktan of our people will never find his tsahik.”

I groan, dragging my palm down my face.

“Don’t bother me with such matters, Kyuna. All this talk of the future that is too far away to be treading towards. My father is too stubborn to give up his place that fast. He will remain olo’eyktan for a long time before I take his place.”

She shrugs, crossing her arms.

“All i’m saying is..”

She takes another step, her chest nearly touching mine.

“You are wanted for more than you think. The women of this clan practically swoon over the thought of being by your side, and you haven’t even blinked at them.”

I click my tongue, averting my eyes.

“My future mate is none of your business. Nor is it the clans. Not now, at least.”

She goes to speak; but before she can utter her next words, Lo’ak came stumbling out of the tent with a less than pleased expression on his face.

“Bro.”

He tugs on my arm, gagging exaggeratingly.

“Tuk threw up- it’s a mess in there. Whatever Kyuna fed her is NOT sitting well.”

I blink at my brother, but it quickly registers that something wasn’t right.

“Are you sure? She seemed fine when she came home-“

“Dude. I know barf when I see it.

She must have ate something bad at Popiti’s.”

Kyuna was stunned, crossing her arms in an offended manner.

“I beg your pardon? Tuk didn’t eat anything at my place today.”

Lo’ak scoffed.

“Uh huh. Sure. You’re probably just trying to poison my sister. Aren’t you? Our father will be hearing about this!”

My main concern at the moment is Tuk.

“Excuse me-“

I muttered to Kyuna as an excuse for a goodbye, shoving past Lo’ak to my family’s tent, expecting to see a poor Tuktirey doubled over, regurgitating what was either late breakfast or early lunch, when instead all that comes into view is Tuk sitting cross-legged next to spider, as he starts methodically picking out some of the different seeds from the assorted bowls we used to prepare our meals. As he sat making leaf wraps for a suspiciously fine looking Tuk.

I crouched down next to her, feeling her forehead and keeping a hand gently on her back.

“Are you okay, Tuk?”

She nodded, blinking up at me.

My eyes flicker up when Lo’ak enters the tent, whistling as if nothing just happened.

“Lo’ak, Tuk seems fine..”

I trail off.

He winks at me.

“Your welcome. Kyuna left us in peace.”

Pain in the ass or not, I have to admit, Lo’ak was smarter than we give him credit for.

when I finally finished peeling the vegetables, I left them in their basket and enjoyed a break with Tuk, Lo’ak, and Spider.

We all sat eating Spider’s very poor excuse of a seed-leaf wrap. But they worked, for some odd reason no one could place.

Spider didn’t eat, because of his mask, so i guess he settled for conversation.

“So, Tuk. How was your playdate?”

Tuk nods eagerly, talking through a mouth full of seed-wrap.

I reach for the extra cloth in my loincloth pocket, letting her wipe her mouth before speaking normally again.

“It was fun. But I don't think I like Kyuna anymore.”

Lo’ak scoffed, high fiving tuk.

 “Put er’ there sis. Neither do I. She’s a bitch.”

“Lo’ak. Language.” I scold, smacking his head lightly.

He rolls his eyes.

“Fine. Shes a B-I-T-C-H. Better?” Spider laughs. Leaning back.

Lo’ak shoves him.

“Oh and what’s so funny? Mr, ‘i’m afraid of women’?”

Spider shakes his head, raising his pointer finger to poke lo’aks chest.

“Correction. I’m afraid of your mother and Y/n.”

“Everyones afraid of Y/n.”

I ignore Lo’ak and Spider’s bickering, turning my attention to Tuk.

“Was Kyuna bothering you?”

She shook her head, taking another bite. Speaking through a mouth full of food

“Nuh-uh. But she kept asking me if you were home, and if you had received any courting gifts yet, or if you wanted to go hunting with her.”

I bit my tongue, smoothing down some of tuk’s stray braids.

“How about this, Next time, I’ll walk you home from Popiti’s.”

She nodded and took another bite of her food.

“I don’t think she should be your mate anymore”

Tuk shakes her head disapprovingly, crossing her arms over her chest.

Spider raises an eyebrow.

“Kyuna and you are a mated pair? Since when?”

Lo’ak snickers and I groan.

“For the last time, she is not my mate.”

Tuk blinks at me before speaking again.

“Can you mate with y/n instead? She’s nicer.”

I shove another leaf wrap into her hands.

“How about we play the quiet game for a bit?”

☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆☾𖤓✮⋆⁺₊⋆

Hello my lovely virago readers! So because tumblr didn’t like my original 28k words version of this chapter, iv’e split this into 3 parts. This is part 1 of chapter 3. Part 2 and 3 will be posted straight after. 

Thank you for your patience!

Please don’t forget to comment your favorite quote, dynamic, or moment!

Taglist

@mntx666

@isnt-itstrange

@thebestrouge

@bay7let

@fairuzwhat

@jackiehollanderr

@6423btw

@satesatesate2009

@0stargirl0

@heavenlysstuff

@dayyzlol

@iheartamajiki

[graneymar]

hiii, could you write a fic Neymar X fem!reader, when they have been together for like a year and in a sort of a secret relationship, because she is not a famous but a law student, and they wanted their privacy.

she is like 25 and he is 30, I love reading about age gap( but not too much ofc)

you could write about their couple dynamic (including fluff but also some dirty talk and them flirting like a lot) and then they get caught by the paparazzi, and everyone find out about her. Maybe when they were on vacation or something.

idk if you want, but you could also include insta post?? do what you feel it’s right !!

thank u if you will! And sorry for my broken English, I’m Spanish 💕💕

#5. NEYMAR: ONE NIGHT IN IBIZA

SUMMARY: above

WARNINGS: some dirty talk

PAIRING: Neymar x fem!reader

Our relationship was quite complicated. I was an ordinary law student, studying abroad and was in my last year, so I barely had time to spend with my boyfriend, especially due to preparing for the upcoming exams. Neymar, of course, had a really busy schedule and whenever he had a few days off, he took every opportunity to not only visit me, but also his family in Brasil. All these circumstances led to us sometimes not seeing each other for weeks. But if we got to spend some time together, we made sure we would make the best of it. Apart from that, I decided it would be the best for us if we didn't announce our relationship publicly. I wanted to build my career myself and not be "(Your first name + last name), lawyer and Neymar Jrs girlfriend". I didn’t want my professors and other students to treat me differently just because I was dating a famous footballer. Neymar never really liked the idea of us hiding ourselves from everyone, but he respected my decision and told me he would wait until I was ready. Still, he let everyone know he was in a relationship, which led to the press and his fans speculating about who the lucky woman was. Going out in public, we always made sure we were surrounded by the few close friends that knew about us, so no one would assume we went on dates and such.

In conclusion, I barely got to see Neymar, and when I did, I never really got him all to myself. The only time we finally were able to express our love was when we decided to stay at home alone.

"Meu Deus, can you believe it’s already been a year?", Neymar sighed out as my bracelet caught his eyes. For my 25th birthday a couple of months ago, he got me a golden bracelet with our initials and the date we got together engraved. I shook my head chuckling, "Time flies. It really does." Remembering we only had a few more days in peace together, the big smile on my face quickly disappeared. His brow furrowed. "What are you thinking about again?" I turned around when I felt warm tears in my eyes. "Nothing babe, I'm fine", I lied. We were currently on vacation in Ibiza, now on a yacht in the middle of the ocean. I inhaled deeply, watching the waves as I tried to calm down and not break down in tears. He hugged me from behind and placed his head onto my shoulder. "Can we please enjoy the time we have left together before going back to normal?", he mumbled. I blinked a few times, making my tears stay in instead of rolling down my cheeks. "You're right." I turned my head to kiss his cheek. He put on his sweetest smile before letting go of me, smacking my bum. My body twitched for a second. Neymar cheekily smirked and finally turned around, laying down to continue his sunbathe. Without making a move, I simply stood there and watched him relaxing.

A few minutes later Neymar took his sunglasses off, tilting his head to my direction. I saw his eyes going up and down my body. I questioningly raised one eyebrow at him. "You don’t know how bad I want you right now." Playfully I rolled my eyes. He put his hands on his lap, demanding to come and sit on it. I slowly walked up to him, but instead of doing what he wished me to do, I dropped myself right next to him. He smirked because he understood that was my way of teasing him. It was our thing, he loved feeling like he had to "chase" me. His hands tapped a random beat on my thighs. "You know, there’s a bedroom inside. We could spend some time there until we arrive at the port."

"Mhm", I nodded, "And how do you want to spend the time there?" He chuckled before hiding his face into my neck. Feeling his breath already made me get goosebumps all over my skin. "First of all", he started, whispering in a low-tone voice, kissing my neck slowly, "I'll throw you onto the fucking bed, then rip off your bikini, sliding my fingers into you until you can’t help but beg me to finally push him inside you. And…" My eyes rolled back in pleasure. The things he said, his hands going up and down my body, his lips on my neck with his tongue sometimes touching it. Enough to drive me insane already. I bit my bottom lip trying to hold back a moan. One thing I hated about Neymar was, he loved turning me on in public. He loved knowing and seeing him how much I needed him. I wouldn’t go into this bedroom with him now and he knew, but this was his kind of foreplay. I now couldn’t wait to get into our hotel room and he was well aware of that. "And the rest is what you’ll get at home after the party tonight." He pulled away and sat up again, laughing at my pissed off facial expression. I groaned in frustration.

"What party are you talking about?" My eyebrows furrowed. "We promised Cris and Bianca we'd go out clubbing with them tonight, did you forget?"

"Oh, right…", I remembered and pouted my lips, "but I can’t wait for tonight." Neymar grinned and pecked my lips quickly. "Quickie as we get ready maybe?" He winked as I giggled.

Said and done. I actually got what I wanted as soon as we entered the hotel room, but we had to keep it short, too short, since we didn’t have much time to get ready anymore.

Before getting to the club, we decided to eat dinner. "How was it on the yacht?", Bianca asked, while Neymar and Cris were talking about some gaming stuff. "Oh Bi, if you only knew! Even though we were in the middle of nowhere and the only people surrounding us was his staff, you can’t imagine how much I enjoyed it. Finally going out with my boyfriend alone, it almost felt like an ordinary relationship." When I first met Bianca I was afraid she wouldn’t like or even hate me since she was best friends with Bruna, Neymars ex, but she soon turned out to be the most supportive of us. "I believe so. It must be exhausting only being able to feel like a real couple when being home alone. How long do you want to wait to finally announce your relationship?" I shrugged, "I don't know at all to be honest. Actually, I'm tired of hiding, but on the other side, I don't want all my clients coming to me just because they know me through Neymar. I want them to choose me because they value me as their lawyer, not because I possibly could be privileged thanks to my boyfriend." I didn’t even notice Neymar and Cris stopped talking and listened to our conversation. "But are you planning to go back to Paris after you finished studying or are you staying there? You know, staying there would be beneficial for your career", Cris said. I stuttered and looked around as I was thinking of an answer. I felt Neymars eyes on me and of course, he wanted me to come back to Paris and move in with him after I finished my studies, but Cris was right. This was something I never worried about before. Neymar noticed I was getting nervous and put his hand on mine. "That’s not a topic for today, we have enough time to think about it later", he stated and threw me a soft smile. Bianca and Cris agreed and changed topics.

Entering the club, we had some drinks before finding ourselves on the dancefloor. Whenever Neymar and I danced, we were careful so we would not get too close. Bianca was always jumping in between us when she thought we went too far. However, we had the time of our lives and actually got drunk at some point. I went to the bar to get us some drinks and scrolled through my instagram for you page while waiting, when an article about Neymar and Bruna Marquezine caught my eye. They were writing about how perfect they were, why they broke up, etc. According to them, Neymar broke up with Bruna because she refused to move to Paris for him, she prioritised her own career. My heart stopped for a second the moment I remembered Cris' question. Hundreds of thoughts ran through my mind. How were Neymar and I supposed to maintain our relationship if I decided I would not go back to Paris? He broke up with Bruna after being together for such a long time, no doubt he would leave me too. My breathing got heavier. I tried to organise my thoughts, but all I was able to think of was Neymar leaving me sooner or later. "Are you okay?", the barkeeper asked, placing the drinks right in front of me. I realised tears were rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them away rapidly. "Uh yeah, I'm fine. Thank you." Bianca made her way to me in order to help me with the drinks. I needed to get out of there. "Bi, I'll go home now. I'm not feeling well", I told her. She looked slightly confused and observed me for a few seconds. "Did something happen? You were laughing and dancing like five minutes ago." I shook my head from left to right and grabbed my clutch. "No, nothing happened. I'm just tired and probably drank a little too much", I answered and faked a smile as I stepped away from her after saying goodbye. Right when I got out of the club, I felt someone pulling me back by my shoulder. "Y/N!", I recognised Neymar shouting after me, "Y/N, why do you want to go home? What’s wrong?" I kept looking at the ground, I didn’t want him to see my wet cheeks. "Tired and drunk. Just need to sleep", I shortly replied after swallowing hard. "You are not drunk. At least not that drunk. I know somethings bothering you. What is it? Talk to me."

"Let’s discuss it later, Ney. Go have fun. I just need some rest", I answered and was about to turn around again, but Neymar held me back. "Hey, don’t act like that now. If you're leaving, I'm leaving." I shook my head. "No Ney, please."

"Yes I will, Y/N. If you want to stay mad for I don’t even know what…", he began, but I quickly interrupted him. "I'm not mad, Neymar, at least not at you." His facial expression showed he was completely lost. "If you’re not mad at me, who are you mad at then? Can you now please tell me what happened, did someone say or do anything?" He kept on asking questions until I couldn’t hold it back any longer. "I'm mad at myself because I don’t know if I can give you what you want and this will make you break up with me sooner or later and I hate myself for letting it go this far but I can’t help it because I'm fucking selfish and… and… I just don’t know what to do." Neymars eyebrows furrowed, he was unable to speak and had a hard time understanding what I was saying inbetween the sobs. "W-Why would I… why would I break up with you? Why are you selfish? What the hell are you even talking about?" I sighed out loud. "What was the reason you broke up with Bruna Marquezine?" This question was enough for him to understand what all this was about. "Y/N, that was a whole other story. Bruna kept on promising me things she wouldn’t do. When you and I got together I knew exactly what I was getting myself into - I wanted this, and I still do. We have a whole year to think about what to do and if you decide to go for your career, I will gladly support you. It’s not like you’re making empty promises." I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. "Neymar, I know you want a family, I know you want someone to come home to everyday. I, on the other side, don’t even know anything anymore. I don’t know if I want to go for my career, damn sometimes I don’t even know if I want to be a lawyer. But what I surely don’t want is you to waste your time on me when I have no idea what I am doing with my life." His eyes filled with sadness before he hugged me tightly. "Meu amor, you're in your mid-twenties. It’s a confusing time. Some of your friends have their own business, others are married or having kids. No matter what you are doing now, you feel like somethings missing, like you are missing out on something. You feel pressured, I get that. You have to make some of the most important decisions in your life right now, you’re afraid to go the wrong way. But you, my love, are an intelligent, smart, independent woman. I know you will make the right decisions. And no matter what you choose to do, I will be with you." He gave me a short yet passionate kiss. "Being in your mid-twenties is shit, trust me, I know." I quietly chuckled. "Stop talking like you're my grandfather, you're five years older than me." Neymar laughed as he softly wiped my almost dried tears away with his thumb. "All I'm saying is I know exactly what it feels like to think that no matter what you do, it’s wrong. And I want to be the last person to make you feel pressured." Without saying a word, I put my hands around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. "Te amo", I whispered.

"Eu te amo tanto, Y/N", he remained silent for a moment, "Still wanna go home?" I nodded. Neymar went inside to get our stuff and tell Bianca and Cris we're leaving. Meanwhile, I went on instagram again. "What the fuck", I murmured as I saw myself on my for you page. There were photos and videos of Neymar and me outside the club, hugging and kissing. They had to be taken just a few minutes ago. I turned around to Neymar staying behind me already. "We fucked up. I didn't even check if there were any paparazzi", he said looking at my phone screen. As I refreshed the page in shock, I saw even more pictures of myself. "How did they get those?" "Oh, I have these on my story", Neymar admit. He loved presenting me everywhere, even though he didn’t show my face. I raised an eyebrow at him and checked his instagram story.

"I haven’t even seen these pictures. Why didn’t you show me? They're good." He smiled watching his story on my phone. "You know what will even be better now? Not hiding your gorgeous face anymore." My phone started buzzing. I got endless instagram notifications, Neymars fans following me, liking my pictures and commenting on them. First thing I noticed was most comments were complimenting and congratulating me. "Your fans are fast as fuck." Neymar laughed, "See, they love you already."

[stanleypinesgf]

Falling for Mystery - Chapter Seven

Falling for Mystery Masterlist Warnings: mentions of abusive ex, some injuries and blood mentioned but not described in depth, more angst than i was aiming for my loves but i'll be worth it i promise! Please note: this is a slow burn fic with eventual smut and mature themes, 18+ only and please check warnings at the start of chapters! ALSO idk how long I'll maintain a daily posting schedule as I have a 9-5 too LOL but will try my best!! TYSM for all the support so far!!

w/c: 2,092

The darkness enveloped me like a thick fog, swallowing the last remnants of consciousness. The panic that once clawed at my throat faded into a haze, the roar of whatever creature lurked in the woods replaced by an eerie silence.

“Hey, babe. Miss me?”

I blinked, the world around me slowly shifting into focus. I was standing in the middle of our apartment, back in Portland. The familiarity was unnerving, and his smile was almost animalistic, leering down at me. He had a knack for making me feel so small, insignificant.

“What... why are you here?” I asked, trying to steady my voice to appear more confident, when in reality, I was anything but. Dread crept in, taking hold.

He stepped closer, a glimmer of that familiar charm in his eyes. “I just wanted to see you, to tell you how sorry I am, babe. You know I love you, right?”

“Jake, if you loved me, then it would never have come to this. I left because I was afraid of you!” I reminded him, trying to hold onto the anger that had once protected me from him.

“You know we could still have something special, don’t you? Just give it a chance.”

“No,” I said firmly, shaking my head as I stepped back. “I can’t do this. Not again.”

“Why not?” His expression shifted, desperation creeping into his voice. “I can change, I promise. I was stupid. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“You’re kidding?” I scoffed, the anger bubbling in my veins. “You turned my friends against me; even some of my own family believed what you said about me! You hit me, Jake, over and over. The worst part is, I thought you were justified in your actions… I blamed myself!”

His gaze hardened, the charming facade slipping just enough for me to see the truth beneath. “I made mistakes, but so did you. Always getting coffee with those guys you work with for a start. But I know we can fix it. You know we were good together.”

I tried to find the words to respond, but none came. Was I really at fault for this? Maybe I did drive him to do and say all those things after all. Everyone else seemed to think he was a great guy, people had a hard time believing me when I told them what a monster he had become.

“You think Stan’s any different? He’s never gonna put up with you like I did! I was good to you!” The venom in his words tore through me.

In the distance, I could hear someone calling my name, footsteps pounding towards me. I looked around frantically, trying to find the source of the voice, but before I could, the world around me began to fade, replaced by an icy chill.

I felt myself being dragged into the depths of a dark abyss, Jake’s voice lingering, taunting me as I struggled to break free.

And then, just as quickly, I was jolted awake by two firm hands on my shoulders. I recognised the familiar, gruff voice. The fog of the dream clung to me, and as I blinked, it began to fade, revealing the sharp edges of reality.

“There you are!” Stan’s voice cut through the haze of fear. He was panting slightly, his face a mix of relief and anger. "What the hell were you thinking? Going into the woods like that?”

I couldn’t answer, not yet. My lungs burned, and my legs were weak. Before I could try to stand, strong arms lifted me from the forest floor. Stan pulled me into his chest, the scent of pine and old leather, mixed with something uniquely his, grounding me in the moment.

“We’ve got to get out of here.” His tone was urgent yet somewhat calm.

“I should be able to walk... you can—” I started, but Stan interrupted.

“You’re joking? I’m not letting that thing get any closer to you!” He huffed, jogging towards the shack as I clung to his broad shoulders.

The rest of the journey was almost silent, dipping in and out of consciousness as the guilt swallowing me whole. I had just made Stan risk his life for me; how could I be so selfish? What I had done was reckless and dangerous.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the creaking of floorboards on the porch of the Shack, relief starting to wash over me. We were home. Stan fumbled for his keys to lock the door behind us, his eyes scanning the tree line, ensuring that... thing was out of sight. But there was more than just concern etched into his features; a flicker of vulnerability danced in his gaze, as if he was trying to mask his own fears. I could see him wrestling with the weight of responsibility, his jaw clenched tight. Did he blame himself for not being out here with me? For not being able to protect me? Each time he glanced my way, a mixture of determination and uncertainty filled his expression, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was as scared as I was about what could happen next. As if he was also scared of losing someone.

“You’re okay now; you’re safe,” he murmured, his gruffness giving way to something softer as he held me close for a moment longer than necessary.

“I— I didn’t think—” I started, but my voice faltered. I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to explain. My body trembled, adrenaline still coursing through my veins, and tears started to flow freely.

Stan shifted me in his arms, carrying me inside the shack. “No talking. Let’s get you inside. You look like you’ve been through a goddamn war.”

Once we were inside, the warmth of the shack enveloped me, but it didn’t chase away the chill in my bones. Stan set me down gently on the couch, his hands gripping my shoulders as if he was afraid I’d disappear again if he let go. His eyes scanned me from head to toe, frowning at the dried blood on my arms and legs.

“You need to clean up,” he said, his voice commanding yet edged with concern. “Go shower, wash this off. Then I’ll take care of the rest.”

I blinked at him, the absurdity of a shower after nearly being killed by some forest creature not quite computing. The firmness in his voice left no room for argument, and the exhaustion weighing down my limbs pushed me to obey.

Dragging myself to the bathroom, I peeled off my dirty clothes and stepped into the hot stream of water. As I stood under the spray, I could still feel the intensity of Stan’s gaze on me, the way his hands lingered a second longer on my skin than necessary. The way my heart fluttered against my better judgment when he held me.

When I came back out, wrapped in an oversized towel, Stan was still waiting, arms crossed and that same look of concern etched across his face. He had a first aid kit open on the counter, a bottle of vodka seated next to it, and a neatly folded pile of clean clothes—his clothes. He motioned for me to sit back down.

“I—uh, I didn’t wanna go through your stuff, so I brought you these for now...” he seemed almost sheepish at the admission.

“Thank you, can you—” I started, but he turned away before I could finish. I carefully slipped into the baggy t-shirt and tartan pajama bottoms, their scent enveloping me.

“You can turn around now,” I half-chuckled.

“Let me see,” he said, his voice softer now, though his gruff exterior remained intact.

I sat, the tension between us thickening as Stan knelt beside me. His hands were surprisingly gentle as he took my arm, examining the cuts with care. His fingers brushed against my skin, sending an unexpected shiver down my spine. It wasn’t just the cold air; it was the way he looked at me—like I was fragile, like he was afraid I’d break if he didn’t handle me just right.

“This is nothing,” I mumbled, trying to sound tough, but the vulnerability in my voice betrayed me.

He didn’t respond, just kept tending to my wounds in silence. After a few moments, I couldn’t take the quiet anymore. The weight of what had happened in the woods, of what was happening between us, was too much.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

Stan paused, his fingers freezing for a second before continuing to work on the bandages. He looked up at me, his eyes softer than I’d ever seen them. “What kind of question is that?”

“I mean…” I hesitated, unsure how to explain the jumble of emotions swirling inside me. “You don’t have to take care of me like this. It’s my fault…”

His brow furrowed, as if my words confused him. “Of course I do. Who else is gonna do it?” There was a tenderness in his voice, but also something more—something that made my chest tighten. “Besides, I—" he started, then stopped himself, his eyes flicking away as though he wasn’t ready to finish that sentence.

Suddenly, the space between us felt too small. His hands still cradled my arm, and the warmth from his skin was almost overwhelming. Before I knew it, I leaned closer, my breath catching in my throat. The air between us crackled with an energy I couldn’t ignore, and for a moment, neither of us moved.

And then, without thinking, I closed the gap. Our lips met, soft at first, tentative, like we were both testing the waters. Stan’s hand slid from my arm to my waist, pulling me closer as the kiss deepened. I could feel the pent-up tension in the way he kissed me, the restraint he had been holding back finally slipping. My heart raced, not just from the adrenaline still coursing through me, but from the realisation that this was happening—that I wanted this.

But just as quickly, fear set in. The memories of my nightmare, of trusting someone too easily, flooded back. My stomach twisted, and I pulled away, breathless and suddenly terrified of what I’d just let happen.

Stan’s eyes were wide, and I could see the hurt and confusion flicker across his face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice rough, like he didn’t understand.

“I—” I couldn’t find the words. My mind was reeling, and all I knew was that I couldn’t let this happen. Not now. Not when everything felt so precarious. Every time I think about trusting someone, I see Jake’s face, the way he used to smile at me before it all went wrong. I remember how I dismissed the little signs—his jealousy disguised as concern, the way he twisted my words until I questioned my own reality. Trusting Stan felt like stepping onto a tightrope without a safety net, and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to balance.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, backing away. “I… I can’t.”

Stan blinked, and for a moment, I saw something in him crack—a vulnerability I hadn’t noticed before. His hand hovered in the air, like he wanted to reach for me, but then he pulled it back, stuffing it into his pocket.

“Yeah. Sure,” he muttered, his voice thick with emotion. He stood up, his back stiff as he turned away from me. “You should get some rest.”

He didn’t wait for a response before walking toward the door. My heart clenched as I watched him go, the weight of what had just happened—and what hadn’t—pressing down on me like a thousand pounds. I wanted to call out to him, to explain, but the words caught in my throat. Instead, I sat there, alone in the quiet, regret settling in like a cold chill.

As the door clicked shut behind him, a wave of silence crashed over me, amplifying the weight of my solitude. I started to sob, each breath shaking my body as the intensity of everything that had just happened poured out of me. Memories of the woods and Jake’s haunting voice intertwined with the warmth of Stan’s embrace. The struggle within me felt insurmountable, and as I curled into myself on the couch, I couldn't help but wonder if I’d just ruined the chance for something real. The tears streamed down my cheeks, and I fell into a fitful sleep, my heart heavy with the shadows of my past. Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[moreespressoformydepresso]

trick or treat! 👻🦇🍬

🎃🦇👻

Idk if you'd consider this a trick or a treat, but here's another writing snippet!! It's an AU I haven't posted anywhere yet outside of one blog post detailing the concept and one post referencing it.

“We should probably go deeper into the city.” He stated after a second of consideration.

“Won’t that risk us being seen?” Lamina asked, frowning at him.

“Not if we’re smart about it.” He gave her a small smile. “They’re looking for missing tributes, not for us, specifically.” 

“We are missing tributes.” Tanner deadpanned. 

Which was true, they were the missing tributes the peacekeepers were likely already searching for. But they also weren’t, really. How could they be missing tributes if they weren’t tributes at all? Now that they were away from the games, they were just four kids in an alleyway trying to figure out what to do next. It suited Treech just fine. Stressful and scary as the situation might be, it was right up his alley, and he would make sure they didn’t squander this golden opportunity. 

“Think about it this way: These people only know us from how they see us, right? Filthy, stupid district scum and all that.” He bit back a laugh at the way Brandy seethed. “They’re looking for vicious beasts running around in filthy, old clothing. You really think they’ll look twice at four slightly disheveled teenagers in fancy Capitol clothing? They’ve got bigger things to worry about.” 

“We’re gonna use their prejudice against them…” Brandy murmured, a grin slowly spreading over her face as she mulled it over. 

“Exactly.” 

If there’s one thing he’d learned on the streets, it’s that the key to success was to be as unremarkable as possible. People paid attention to things that were out of the ordinary. They only saw the things they weren’t used to, and moreover they saw what they expected to see. As long as they didn’t stand out too much, they’d fit right into that picture of normalcy. Then all they had to do was weather the initial storm and wait it out until they found the chance to get out of this stupid city. 

“And how will we get those clothes?” Lamina asked.

“I can-”

“No.” 

Frowning, he sent his friend a frustrated look, but she simply glared at him with stubborn determination. She wasn’t gonna let this go just like that and they both knew it, which was bad. That was very bad, because they didn’t have time for this. They needed to get out of sight and stay out of sight as soon as possible, they couldn’t afford to waste time arguing. Especially since they had to work together to survive this. 

“Mina…” 

“No, Treech. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. You are not going into that city defenseless and on your own.”

“I’m not defenseless, Lami, I can hold my own!” 

“This is different.” 

“It’s-” Taking a deep breath, Treech forced himself to calm down. 

As frustrating as this was, especially given the timing, he had to be rational about this. Lamina was absolutely right, this was not district 7 and he had to keep that in mind, however… They’d have to do their groceries somehow and theft was the safest bet. But she still wasn’t wrong here, and throwing a fit about her very reasonable objection was not the way to go here. They were on a tight schedule here, so he had to explain this as fast and convincingly as possible. 

Mind racing, he tried to narrow down any and all arguments he could think of into the most important one. They could squabble later, now was the time for action. Lamina was only looking out for him, as frustrating as it was to be seen as defenseless or vulnerable when his greatest weapon had always been his mind. Besides, if he couldn’t defend his propositions, how could he claim to be right? 

“Look, I appreciate you looking out for me, truly I do.” He forced himself out of the defensive stance he’d adopted. “But if they find out it won’t matter. The sooner we get those clothes, the less people will be alert and the more chance we have of going unnoticed.”

“How about this?” Brandy interjected. “We,” she pointed between herself, Tanner, and Lamina, “find ourselves a place to hide, and then you,” she pointed at Treech, “go find us dinner. Then when night comes and the city’s asleep you break us into a store and we all go on a nice shopping trip.” 

Blinking, Treech looked over at Lamina, who looked right back. They stared each other down for a few seconds, evaluating the options laid before them. He could tell she didn’t like the idea of him going out alone at all, but he knew he’d have to do so eventually anyway. He couldn’t be too upset with her though. Had the roles been reversed, he probably would’ve raised hell to stop her from going out on her own. Finally, though, Lamina sighed and turned to Brandy. 

“Fine.” 

“Sounds good!” Treech agreed immediately. 

Honestly? This was a better plan than his own. Definitely a lot safer too. Pushing himself off of the wall properly, he stretched his arms above his head and took a deep breath. Okay, back to business. None of them knew the Capitol, so they’d have to figure out where to go on luck and intuition alone. Definitely not ideal, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

“Alrighty! Lets move.”

[hellsite-hall-of-fame]

listen... listen. i'd love just as much as anybody to get to make a fool of myself in person with all my fellow fools, as opposed to making a collective fool of ourselves online. I just don't know if we have the brainpower to organize it. The first dashcon, as far as i know, was a logistical disaster. I know there's a spreadsheet side of tumblr, and... *shudder* a business side (I checked) but are they willing to help? are we willing to accept their help?

More issues to consider: With the cost of living and travel and the very decentralized tumblr userbase, on what continent would dashcon 2.0 be held? would there need to be online signups? payments? a website? who would create and oversee those things?

What if we tried to have a number of smaller cons for different regions? Only around 600 folks have answered 100% YES on your poll - How many users need to show up before we have folks from enough major communities to feel like a true tumblr party? How do we guarantee those numbers? What about major blogs? do we just hope they show up or pay them to sign autographs? is it a multi-day affair, like dashcon tried to be, or do we aim low?

There is so much that goes into an event like this- transit, trucking, storage, space, sign-ups, accounting, licensing, begging, scheduling, convincing, emailing, hiring, firing, decorating, ordering, packing... I haven't even gotten to the tip of the iceberg meme.

Do we hire planners and event companies, or are we too embarrassed to ask? How does everyone work around their day jobs and careers? Who is organizing dashcon 2.0, and what is their stake in it? How do we not repeat the mistakes of those who came before us?

Anyway, if you're gonna do it, I want to help. let's talk.

hmm alright I have thoughts

because I agree, I don’t know if we have the brainpower or money to organize it. my sincere hope with posting about a hypothetical dashcon has been that some super determined millionaire would be like “hey here- have this money and here’s a bunch of connections I have to people to help you organize this”…..so basically lots and lots of wishful thinking lmao.

while the business side of tumblr does seem terrifying, we might have to accept their help if they’re willing.

all of the logistics you mentioned are very very true things that I imagine the original dashcon creators didn’t fully take into account (or i’d assume as much based on the chaos that ensued lol)

as for location, yeahhh that’s the definite hard part. in my head, I keep seeing this as like a vidcon (which is terrible because it wouldn’t be as big but idk) which is held in California. but idk how feasible that is for the average Tumblr base. and that does definitely cut down the amount of people that would be able or willing to come so idk.

and I also imagine having like panels and possibly meet and greets or something with major blog owners, but idk if we’d just beg them to come or find a way to pay them.

As for the whole last paragraph- aaaaah I have absolutely no idea.

i’m definitely not going to spearhead organizing such an event (mostly because I don’t want my real name associated with it in case it goes to shit again lmaoo) but if someone else had more resources to do so, I would absolutely be willing to help.

and if anyone sees this and has conference-planning experience and wants to help make a bunch of wishful Tumblr users dreams come true…. please let me know and i’d love to help!

[cosmicalart]

WIP Wednesday

Scheduled on: 2023-09-12

So this post, along with the rest of the fic, almost didn't happen. I'm perfectly fine now but for those of you interested in my hospital adventure Sunday night, I'll put it under the cut.

Now, I've just about wrapped up chapter two of 'Baz to The Past", I also will have plenty of free time next week, so depending on the progress of chapter three (and how much of chapter two I may need to rewrite) I may be able to start posting the chapters this Sunday on AO3, a whole week earlier than I initially expected.

??? POV

“Fine.” With a huff, Simon stands from his chair and marches out of the room slamming the door behind him. Once his footsteps have faded down the hall, Baz pivots on his heel towards me. “What in Crowley’s name was that? Who’s to say he’s not turning us in right now? You didn’t even seal the deal with magic, there's no consequence if he goes against it!”

Putting tags before the cut this time. IDK who's already posted so no pressure, generous tags to say hello, and if you're not consider yourself tagged if you wanna join.

@aroace-genderfluid-sheep @buffy @thewholelemon @prettygoododds @cultofsappho @fatalfangirl @artsyunderstudy @aristocratic-otter @j-nipper-95 @raenestee @cutestkilla @hushed-chorus @haikuziejacuzzi @larkral @ionlydrinkhotwater @rimeswithpurple @sailor-blossoms @facewithoutheart @valeffelees

Hospital story under the cut

So Sunday night after work I had a small edible, (I need to preface that it was small and half of what I'd usually take because people tried to blame what happened on the edible) Now I also hadn't eaten dinner yet even though it was 9pm and was craving Mcdonalds (I have a stack of free meal coupons because I work there) so my fiance drives us and our friend who was over to Mcdonalds, then we stopped at our friends place cause he ended up deciding to stay the night and wanted to grab some things.

Everything was fine up to this point, weeds kicking in, having a good time, we got back to the house and ate our food, I'm setting up my laptop to get some writing done, things are good. My fiance is watching youtube poops (just random funny youtube videos if you're not familiar) and normally I don't find them that funny but I was laughing cause I could see the tv from where I was setting up.

Now this is where things go bad quickly. I ended up laughing while trying to swallow my burger and choked, I still had food in my mouth as well as food in my throat as I had been swallowing when something in the video just hit me and made me laugh, so I could not breathe now and panicked, like just froze trying to swallow what was still in my mouth while trying to breathe.

I didn't need the Heimlich, it managed to go down on its own and I could breathe again but something didn't feel right. I felt like something was jammed in my chest as well as the back of my nose and it burned. I tried drinking to see if that would clear it like maybe it just felt funny because I choked. That was not it. After a minute I ended up throwing up and a bit of what felt stuck in my chest dislodged and I realized I legit had food stuck in my lungs.

I was immediately light-headed and felt my heart racing (though that was probably cause panic was setting in) so I went to the living room with the cat freaking out at my feet, told my fiance something wasn't right, threw up again, and then they helped me to the couch because I started losing consciousness.

I do not remember the drive to the hospital, I don't even remember getting there, I just have vague memories of a nurse pulling my hair to check if I was breathing, people screaming my name as I blacked out because I wasn't breathing, vomiting several times trying to clear my lungs, and apparently arguing about wanting a fudgcicle on the way home only to then vomit and pass out again.

I had to be informed about what happened afterward because I stopped breathing several times and had my lips turn blue. From the second they put me on the couch to the morning after when I woke up miraculously alive and in bed, I remember nothing.

Joked with @valeffelees that clearly the universe wanted to give me the good ole' fanfic writer "So I almost died" author note

[coffbeanie]

Posting this again to share some notes on my baby <3

-If you haven’t seen my last posts, this is Ceri Lagorio!!

-Most basic info is that they’re genderfluid, but they don’t know it yet, so they just do they/them pronouns in the beginning. They would realize this during their akuma episode and then come to better terms with this during their hero debut

-But i’ll get to that later

-They also go by “Cece” sometimes, and they’re 15-16 years old during the series, and also work as a Junior Dance Coach.

-Also they’re Italian and face wise, are based off that one fella from lemonade mouth

-Marinette and Ceri first met when they were little as Marinette got into dancing as a kid, so her parents signed her up for lessons

-She was in the same class as Ceri, so while they were pretty good, Marinette struggled due to their clumsiness.

-Ceri tried to help her catch up, but she ended up quitting, though they did keep in touch ever since

-Also when it comes to dancing specifically, they have moderate skills in most forms of dance, but they’re most interested in, and currently taking lessons in, ballet

-This is bc i wish i knew how to dance ballet so i’m self projecting

I put the rest of these under the cut cause idk i thought it would be too long

-Dancing is their main passion-they love listening to new songs to make up new choreographies, but they’re trying to balance that with studying cause they’re trying to find a more “practical” career path-something that will make them lots and lots of money

-To balance their work as a coach and their own practices, along with their school work and other extracurriculars. they stick to a very strict schedule

-As for their extracurriculars, I didn’t specify them-just stuff that’s time consuming to make them seem smart

-But back to their schedule-they are very strict and stick to their schedule to the second-they can’t do impulsive plans because they need to know beforehand about plans to hang out with friends

-Which they are still friendly! They love hanging out with their friends and helping them!! They just need to know all this stuff beforehand so they can put it into their schedule and figure out how to plan their time.

-Sides notes are at they def have those super pretty and aesthetic notes/planner

-While they’re the oldest of the zodiac kwami holders, they kept in touch with the other holders cause they work with a Dance Company at Dupont

-They met their other friends through Marinette after they planned a choreography for a Kitty Section music video

-They hang out mainly with the members of the band, but they’re the closest with Rose and Luka

[hokiis-writing-dump]

Genshin Team Sleeping Trend, but I write about it instead.

So I’m back from a long time of no writing at all, and there’s no real reason for my absence besides me burning out. I stopped playing Genshin for a while and didn’t really keep in touch with any content for it either. Don’t expect this to be really all that accurate with storyline (because I did sorta not pay too much attention during Sumeru’s story, I got tired of how long it was) but it’s taking place after the most recent lantern rite. I can’t guarantee I’ll stay consistent with a schedule, so honestly, expect more of me posting at random when I’m in the mood, lol.

Characters in my team: Aether, Kazuha, Albedo and Heizou

Content Includes: Maybe ooc characters bc I haven't written for genshin in a long time, no paimon bc idk how to write for her, Scaramouche/Wander mentioned to be in the teapot but not with the others, teapot layout is the one thats like...water and islands. forgot what its called.

Extra Headcanons:

They're kinda relevant for this, but both Traveler(Aether in this case) and Wanderer don't sleep. Wanderer because he's a puppet, Aether because...well he's not human. That's a headcanon thats lenghty, so i wont explain it here. Okay last thing, Aether doesn't speak in ig...full sentences. He skips words sometimes and breaks up the sentence. I don't think he's fluent in Teyvat's language, hence why Paimon speaks so much.

The 4 entered the SereniteaPot after a long and arduous day of commissions, quests, errands, etc. and removed most of their unnecessary accessories.

Heizou swiftly made his way over to the nearest couch and flopped down face-first, probably almost asleep already. “Im not the only one who’s completely dead after all of those cases, right?” Heizou’s muffled voice echoed from the pillows on the couch. Albedo smirked at Heizou’s display of exhaustion.

“Guess it’s time to sleep then already? We did eat while we were out, so I suppose we can go right to bed. It is late.” Kazuha turns and questions, hanging his haori(correct me pls if that’s the wrong thing) up near the door. He places his shoulder guard down on a shelf nearby as well, besides the numerous trinkets Aether has collected on his travels.

“I’m not completely drained but…I suppose we can. Aether, you’ll be resting tonight, right?” Albedo turns to Aether, who was about to walk right back out of the teapots mansion and probably train outside the whole night. Albedo shoots Aether a disappointed look, expecting him to turn back around immediately and follow them back in, but Aether continues to slowly leave the doorway.

“Aether.”

Aether gives Albedo a glance back, almost pleading to not have to ‘sleep’. Albedo knows full and well that Aether doesn’t really sleep, but has still yet to know exactly why. Either way, seeing him at least lay down for the night would be enough.

“…You know I won’t sleep. No point in laying down.” Aether tries to reason his way out of this, preferring to do something a bit more productive.

“Get back here, and come lay down. We’ll even push the couches together like have you have it set up in your room, if that makes you more comfortable.” Albedo nods towards Kazuha after this, and Kazuha goes to start moving the couch Heizou is on and another couch in the open living room.

Aether sighs, deciding not to fight this one, and comes back into the mansion. He leaves his shoes at the door where everyone else’s shoes are, and then comes to help Albedo move blankets and pillows in from Aether's room.

"Where would you even be this late in the teapot? I know you have a small forest somewhere on the islands here, but would you really just train there all night?" Albedo inquires, genuinely confused on where Aether would even go this late since the teapot matches Teyvat's time. Aether looks around, putting a few pillows under his arm and rubbing the back of his neck.

He shrugs. "Dunno...maybe find Wanderer. Train with him? Talk with him. He doesn't sleep either." Aether's taken out the braid he usually wears now, his earing, scarf and whatever else being set at the table in his room. Albedo shakes his head in sighs. Guess he has to talk to this 'Wanderer', who he has still yet to meet despite Aether mentioning him before, and get him to rest as well. They both return to the living room soon after this exchange.

Once everything is moved, the four change into clothing that’s a bit more comfortable, and slowly begin to lay down one by one. Aether grabs a few books, of course. If he’s going to lay here for hours while the others sleep, he has to be doing SOMETHING. Not lay there contemplating his existence.

There’s idle banter for a good thirty minutes or so, chatting about what they’ll do tomorrow, what they’d want for breakfast, anything really. Heizou’s the first to fall asleep, after he curls himself around Aether in an inescapable death grip to insure he won’t be able to leave in the middle of the night without waking anyone else. Kazuha falls asleep next in the middle of his speech, causing Albedo and Aether to chuckle and joke about it for a few minutes after. Albedo then falls asleep last, after wishing Aether a goodnight and almost saying ‘Sleep well’ despite knowing he won’t sleep at all.

Aether opens one of the many books he’s read before, in similar situations of the others forcing him to at least lay down with them. He won’t sleep, but it’s nice to have the comfort of people he trusts being beside him in a moment of repose such as this. They can’t hear Aether but he speaks anyways.

“Goodnight, sweet dreams.”

[whentherewerebicycles]

SORRY i have to do dear diary: work problems edition under the cut again

so on monday i volunteered to do this small project with the HR team to wrap up a massive project i’d led earlier (although of course it was one that my lead took over in the last 2% of work and now claims as her own achievement). got the go-ahead from my boss & my lead was copied on all the emails. so i set up meetings with the team today and tomorrow, circulated an agenda, and created a structure for us to use in brainstorming content. my lead was CC’d on all of this because i’m not allowed to email people without her knowing. then this morning she messaged to ask me to change the time of my meeting because she wanted to meet with the HR lead about something earlier in the day. so i was like ok whatever! annoying that you couldn’t find some other time and had to take this time but fine! i moved the meeting, sent out a note to the HR team, and don’t really think anything of it.

but THEN we just had our weekly meeting with our boss, and at this meeting ashley announced that she had met with the HR team this morning, gotten all the material needed the project, and would complete everything by the end of the day. i was just sitting there like “...i’m sorry?” and finally interrupted her to be like “so what should i do with them in the meeting?” and she was like “well you don’t really need to have it now. but you could just sit on the call with them and have them upload these three forms i need and email them to me if you want.” i just sat there gaping at her because what the ACTUAL fuck???? like you already block me from taking on projects and take credit for the projects i DO do and now you’ve escalated to stealing projects I’d claimed & completing them before i can finish them & then telling me that in front of my boss so it looks like either you didn’t trust me to do it myself or i was failing in some way and you had to pick up the slack? and also you make me look stupid in front of the HR team by scheduling your own private meetings with them and not telling me so i’m still communicating with them like i’m coordinating the project? like WHAT is this woman’s deal??? jesus christ!!!!

i have a meeting with her later (which she rescheduled earlier one minute before it was supposed to start without telling me) and i’m trying to decide if i bring it up with her to be like “that really fucking bothered me” in more professional language, or if i just let it go and use it as further fuel to get out of here. i feel like i keep letting things go because they’re annoying/insulting but they’re also just “oh i can explain...” enough that i feel dumb bringing them up because there’s that tiny voice in my head that’s like ‘did you miss something? did YOU fuck up? is someone mad at you? did your boss say yes to your face and then go over your head to tell your lead to do the project for you?’ which just makes me feel all uncomfortable and lowkey anxious even though i’m like if i DID fuck up recently somehow (how could i have fucked up?? i’ve been out for three weeks!!!! i literally have not had opportunity to fuck up!!!) and my boss handled it that way instead of addressing it with me, that’s just terrible management and should not be something i internalize. but AGH the fucking MIND GAMES in this team and just all! the! tiny! ways! my lead undermines me or tries to make me doubt myself. and THEN i have no idea if she’s doing it intentionally or if she’s just kinda shitty at supervising people or at communicating clearly (which is funny because she talks all the time about how she’s such a ~relator~ whose biggest skill is building relationships and communicating with people). idk man it just makes me feel bad and then it feels even worse to stew in the negative feelings all day. like i don’t actually ENJOY complaining i would much rather just have a job where i get to work hard alongside people i generally like and respect and all of my dear diary posts are about how rewarding i find my work or whatever!!! blehhhh okay gotta go do a quick lap around the house before i can face her in 5 minutes. 

[1d1195]

Wait no bestie I’m the dumb one lol Thursday is what t the extra is called not the story😭 omg I love a good next door neighbors story especially when the mc is trying to act like she isn’t wanting him!

See I love the way you wrote your angst because it makes sense to me!! I don’t think it ever really feels like it’s coming out nowhere but then again even if it does, it’s not a bad thing tbh! Though I totally get being self critical about it like I’m the same way lol for me it depends on the problem on how long the angst vibes should last! Like the Honey cliffhanger was shocking! And yes it was coming out of “nowhere” BUT bestie if we really want to analyze it like targeting a young single dad who is RICH makes sense. Especially with how Chloe’s death was like talked about in news outlets(I hope I’m remembering right lol) then if I was a criminal I would think he is an easy target! Since he obviously will leave the baby with someone who’s not him! ANYWAYS overall it was not dumb and I loved the drama it gave!

gagtita is SOO you coded I can’t even!! I’m sure whatever you may come up with will just be so good!!!

Omg Sam you’re so sweet😭 I’ll definitely let you know little facts that I think you might like! I try to remember when my brain isn’t fried lol

ITS OKAY IF YOU DRAG ME HAHAH I LOVED IT!! I know you would never intentionally try to make me or anyone feel bad! If anything i genuinely laughed out loud when i read it!

Oh bestie his HANDS are just soooo AH! I will certainly update if anything happens lol

Maybe highlights might give you the change you’re looking for without it being too extreme? Idk tbh because I don’t photograph well at all either lol but bestie I bet you’re actually so hot and like you’re super smart and KIND so yeah!!!

How exciting visiting a place you’ve never too!! Fall is so you and I love that!!

I can sleep late when I don’t have classes but typically it’s not ideal because my body will just get use to a certain time sadly lol but yeah its good for three days only though I don’t know yet how it will be like long term! I don’t go on Monday’s so I consider it be just a another day for the weekend lol but yeah this past Monday I didn’t need to do anything so I was so lucky to read the honey update early!

When I drop your full name it’s truly never because I’m upset! If anything I’m just truly GAGGED and FREAKING OUT lol

Hope your week is going well!! Sending you the best vibes! Hope you can find something that makes you smile! Love you bestie!!-💜

You're not dumb lol I was def misleading the way I wrote it. I've got like four or five one shot ideas. genuinely PRAYING they don't turn into a series. I feel like I need a break from writing a series. I've been overwhelming y'all with series 😭😭

I'm glad you see the vision! That makes me so happy!

If you have any facts or tips to help my teenagers be normal those would def be facts I'd be interested in 😂😂

My mom's been encouraging highlights and I should just listen to her because she's always right about my looks. I used to hate shopping with her but now I'm like "Can you tell me what to wear, Mommy, please?" Ma'am tried to put me in turtle necks all the time for most of my childhood and I REFUSED. Now I LOVE turtle necks. My poor mother.

I'm sure I've mentioned I love the moon and I always see posts that are like "the moon is beautiful and doesn't photograph well either" so I try to remember that but it's hard 😭

hahaha I feel that. I love to sleep in! (UNTIL 7) I'm a 5:45AM wake up kind of gal. 7 on the weekends is a delight. I also feel like I don't get anything done if I sleep late. But anyway. I LOVE a Monday off schedule. That's the best! I'm glad you were able to read it early I hope you're able to read the last part soon too! I love your feedback 💕

NO I LOVE THE NAME DROP it's so funny 😭

Hope your week is good too! Love youuuu!!!

xoxo

[causenessus]

HI LOVELY!! good morning afternoon or evening to you! how’s your day been!! i hope you’ve eaten AND REMEMBER TO EAT DURING UR LONG SHIFTS OR I WILL APPEAR ON UR SCREEN !!! (lovingly) the way i gasped when i read your response because i was just like… YOU DIDNT EAT? :( i was so distraught but i hope whatever u had for dinner was good, but still !! always remember to eat and take care of yourself or the ghost of me will scold u (lovingly again) (nothing but love for you always)

today i had banh xeo for breakfast (tbh at this point i feel like you can guess what nationality i am LMAO) but OMG YOU LIKE VIET FOOD?? WE ARE SO SOULMATES !! TWIN FLAME !! AND OMG THATS SO CUTE I HAVE A VOICE IM HHHH that’s so cute i feel so very honoured but omg yesterday while i was like doing whatever right i had a realization that im literally like mystic messenger right now with the “make sure you eat!!” “how are you!!” like IM LITERALLY A CHARACTER IN MYSTIC MESSENGER RIGHT NOW THATS CRAZY (id be so embarrassed if you didn’t know what mystic messenger is but also would not blame you) ALSO YES WE CAN YAP TOGETHER I LOVE YAPPING BUT IM DEFINITELY YAPPING TOO MUCH LIKE I WANNA REPLY TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID SO IM LIKE HHH YAP YAP YAP me and ness are literally yapper and yapper like im trying to hold back but im here like omg among us??? omg whack dreams??? i wanna know what dreams??? omg school?? i’m school soon too!!

but but one more thing omg i’m so sorry LOL BUT I FEEL LIKE WE’RE IN THE SAME TIMEZONE?? BECAUSE EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE TIME IN YOUR POSTS i check my time and im like huh.. silly… coincidence, but it’s 4pm for me rn !!maybe im crazy maybe im not but omg when it gets to school you can 100% rant about it because i will 100% do it too HAHA school has me like like genuinely tweaking like one small thing and im like OH MY GOD YOU WILL NOTTTT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

omg sorry i need to wrap this up but yes try again is amazing don’t doubt yourself and u can always yap to me whenever whenever like i’ll literally make a burner account and dm you instead so we can yap without having to flood your blog or if you don’t mind i don’t mind but mango anon loves you very much and mango anon would want ness to take care of herself forever and always and HAVE A GOOD DAY !!! xoxoxo

AAAAA OMG I AM HERE LIKE 11 HOURS LATER <33 DO NOT WORRY I AM EATING AS WE SPEAK BEFORE MY LONG SHIFT tbh i felt like so nauseous about eating anything though today idk why (i have like two suspicions lmao i def know why) but since i'm working i was like "then i'll just pick something up on the way there!!" so i went to my groccery store to get a sandwhich BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY </333 so i'm having a blazing dragon poke bowl instead??? and it's okay 😔 like i don't know how i feel yet about groccery store sushi and stuff but i've had it before!! it's just a bunch of spicy imitation crab, cucumber, carrots, and rice and i'm mainly just there for the rice. AND OMG i walked around the store bc i was trying to see if they had liquid death (caffeinated tea i think. i don't like it but i really need caffeine today </3) and they didn't have any and i decided to go back to like their little food section to get bao (you can probably guess my ethnicity too 😭) and i almost got hit bc this man WHIPPED around when i tried to pass him like i literally ducked i was so scared he was about to hit me and that man was STILL not aware of me. ANYWAY SORRY RANDOM STORY YOU AND ME AND VIET FOOD!!! TWIN FLAMES!!

ALSO OMG MYSTIC MESSENGER 😭 BRO I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT 707 LIKE TWO DAYS AGO WHEN THAT WHOLE ANON APOCALYPSE HAPPENED I WAS LIKE "i'm going to go 707 on these people and find out where they live and haunt them /hj" PLEASE I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEIR LITTLE "remember to eat" messages and everything but it's so cute <33 and YES we will yap together!! i went in to school today although it starts tomorrow to switch up my schedule and going there was HORRIBLE i saw so many disgusting people :/// BUT i have a pretty good schedule now so it has it's pros and cons!!! i just give people dirty looks and accidentally saw "ew" aloud all the time :))) AND IK THAT SOUNDS MEAN BUT LIKE YK HOW PEOPLE ARE and the people that live in my state are all rich privileged kids and it never changes 😭 i see them everywhere AND THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME AND ACT THE SAME AND ARE GROSS

and LMAO A BURNER ACCOUNT I WOULD TOTALLY TAKE IT THOUGH!!! i'd love to talk to you whenever please please please feel free to make one and dm whenever you'd like!! <3 I LOVE SEEING YOUR ASKS THOUGH I LITERALLY WILL BE HAPPY EITHER WAY AS LONG AS I GET TO TALK TO YOU <3 I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY TODAY ANON!!

[vizthedatum]

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to. I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’ And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes 😅

Hey I sent you the ask yesterday but I absolutely don’t mind you just posting it normally on here! Sorry if this is really long <3

Hi!! I wanted to take my time with my response to be able to respond appropriately and to show myself care as well (I've had a rough week). I will respond in line to your message.

I don't mind long messages! I send long messages too haha <3

my whole life I have felt like I couldn’t cope with things or do things in the way that ‘most’ people do & I am grateful that I have the things I’m really good at or enjoy but I still have times when I just can’t keep to the same schedules or cope with certain situations like others

I think we often get bogged down with "how we should be" instead of checking in with ourselves with how we actually are.

Similarly, I have felt like I couldn't cope with a lot… and would kinda just struggle through it or force myself through it (burning myself out in the process). It wasn't until I got more support in adulthood from my therapist (and I've cycled through a couple!), psychiatrist (I am thankful I found a good one - I've been seeing her for the past 3 years or so), medical team (I have chronic health issues but assembling a good group of docs has been a challenge), my community (asking and receiving help is really important, I'm finding out), my NEURODIVERGENT community (it's been immensely helpful/validating to be vulnerable and to LISTEN to other people who have a wide range of neurotypes to observe how they do things or what they enjoy), spirituality practice (which is something I've been in and out of my whole life (was very atheist for a long time) but now I'm reclaiming this on my own terms), etc.

I'm glad that you have things you're really good at and also things you enjoy!!!

I think many schedules or even constructs of how to be human… can be really restricting because they're often not customized to your needs and abilities.

However, figuring out what your needs and abilities are (especially since they're dynamic) is NOT TRIVIAL.

and finding out this is directly because of autism is a relief honestly 😭 I know a lot of people don’t like the church or Christianity and for real, I understand why especially when I think of things for me lately but I guess you could say I found my own beliefs on my own and I want everyone to be included in everything and be loved, happy and supported & I found this church that seemed to go outside the box and want to help and include everyone (also I felt like I belonged somewhere) but the more I realised they were almost pressuring me into doing stuff that I didn’t want to do but would almost get weird or angry w me if I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to.

I'm happy you found a group and a set of beliefs that help you lead your life. Interpersonal relations within a community can be hard, especially if they do not understand or empathize with your needs.

I have often felt pressured by previous friends and family members into doing stuff… and then guilted/shamed about it if I couldn't do it or didn't want to. I think it is important to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself in ANY SETTING… even if it disappoints others. Even if you're in the wrong. At least you're speaking up. (But I get that that's really draining, too... and sometimes not possible. I have often been non-verbal or didn't even know how to express what I was feeling)

I used to not stand up for myself because I assumed (or had a very unfair assumption) that people should just know! But people didn't know how to interact with me. And I think this is maybe autism because I felt like I was supposed to "know" unsaid rules of society for other people. I spent so much emotional energy trying to "intuit" what other people wanted… and didn't even realize how drained I was getting, how much I was masking who I was, or even who I was.

If things you can't or won't do disappoint a person or a group of people, then that could be a starting point for y'all (or even that person) to figure out why that's bothering them. A discussion needs to be had and reflections need to be made. If there is consistent harm or abuse that's being done (which I'm not saying there is, in this case, necessarily), then you may need to set some boundaries.

I have been really sick the last few months and couldn’t make it to literally anything or barely get out of bed some days and literally none of them reached out to me or would talk to me like I should make an effort even though I was so sick, sad and alone

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know what that's like. Long-term illness or chronic illness can be so isolating. And some people don't even know what to do to support.

Have you told your friends or community ways you'd like them to reach out to you when you're sick/sad/alone? It may help to say "Could you message/call me if you haven't heard from me this week?"

and the one day I actually felt good enough to attend, I signed up to help on the team and they deadass took me off and told me I’m ‘unreliable’ and can’t not be there for weeks and expect to just walk back in and be part of team after that. I was so hurt I felt like crying. I have tried to open up to people about things in the past there too and honestly most of the time I get a reaction like I’m to blame and like if I ask for help I get this weird reaction like ‘WeLL SHiT DuDE maybe you should just do this and not ask us?!!!!!’

Yeah that's highly inappropriate and ableist TO BE QUITE HONEST.

I feel like that's why we have to advocate and push back a little. Not a lot of people know enough about neurodivergence or disability needs. Or even human needs. I hate that the onus of that education and advocacy falls on us (the ones who need the help or support!)… :(

And it takes me by shock every time :( but yeah I’m so sorry for the rant but it makes me feel like I’m such a burden for struggling w stuff and now I don’t want to even bother offering up my time to help them especially speaking on autism bc they treat me like I should still be able to cope with things idk it’s just hard and it makes me wanna have a breakdown sometimes

I want to validate your shock and disappointment and hurt. That is a valid response to what you've been through.

You can rant and vent!! I do it on my blog and to my friends/partners a lot - but I'm trying to also be mindful of how much bandwidth they have for it too (my friends/partners are not my therapist or anything - and that's such an important line). Emotional expression is a really good way to help us regulate, in my opinion.

And your autism and neurodivergence is valid too. The way they can cope with "Thing X" is JUST AS VALID as you not being able to cope with "Thing X." I understand that a lot of people don't get that.

Final thoughts: Feel free to vent either to me or trusted friends/supports. I may not always be able to respond in a timely manner, but I'll try to let you know.

You shouldn't have to repeatedly assert your boundaries and needs in environments where you're supposed to have human connection and bond. That's not fair to you.