#i tried getting professional lessons when i was like 19 but ended up dating the guitar tutor

[long-cold-winterr]

I keep wanting to pick up the guitar again but I don't have the patience to learn and practice.

[subtletruamadumping]

Suicide Jokes aren't Funny when You're Suicidal in a Room Full of People Who Aren't

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This conversation didn't happen... at least, not exactly like this. However, the coaches are incredibly nosey and ask a lot of personal questions, then get upset when they hear the answer. Sorry, my life is a downer, Karen.

TW: Graphic Mentions of Suicidal Ideation, Transphobia, Homophobia

Date Written: June 22, 2022

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Behind the front desk of the skating rink, all the figure skating coaches are putting on their skates gossiping, tying up their hair, whatever needs to be done before their lessons begin. Of course, I was along with them. I had a lesson that I had to teach today. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, but I started to make “back in my day'' comments and jokes about how my age was affecting my joints. 

All the more professional coaches, the ones who have been doing it for 20 plus years, the ones that were surrounding me, laughed.

“You're not old.” They say “How long have you been doing this? Two years? You're not old. Trust me, when you get to my age. You can say you're old.”

My face is down by my boots, making sure the laces are tight so I don't ruin my ankle again, as the words fall out of my mouth, without me stopping to ponder if maybe I should really say this. 

“Yeah. Well, I didn't think I'd make it this far.”

Dead Silence. I mean really what did I expect them to say to that? These are the kind of jokes you make to yourself around friends who have the same kind of ideation. You don't say it around people you barely know. Barely even co-workers really. 

I can feel the most nosy of them staring at me. She always tries to play everything off as a laugh though. So she says, 

“Oh really? What did you have, like a plan or something?”

Again, I probably should have thought before I spoke, but honesty is the best policy, right? That's what my parents always taught me. And so I answered her.

“16”

There's another brief pause and I continue to lace up my skates. 

“16 was the first time I tried to drown myself in the shower, 

I mean. 

I really wasn't. 

It really wasn't the best plan. It didn't really make any sense in the shower. Sure, the tub didn't drain properly. So there was always at least six inches of standing water and I would just lay down and let the water slowly flow up over. And I would just lay there and slowly let the water flow up around me so like covering my mouth and my nose. But I mean, really, human instinct probably would have stopped me, right?”

I'm joking again, but I have such a dry voice that I don't know if the room knows I am or not. They're still quiet and I still keep my head down because I don't really want to look at them after what I've been saying. I decided I need to clarify a little bit.

“I mean, I always took a shower first and my sister always came in behind me so she always, you know, said something or did something that would stop me. You know, I was always okay in the end.”

This seemed to calm the nerves of the room, a little bit, but it didn’t last long. It was as if I was possessed. My mouth kept moving, my brain had gone entirely numb and I was not in control of my words anymore. 

“After that, my plan was 17.” I blurted out. 

I don't know why I was still talking. I should have stopped after that. I had already made the room awkward enough. 

“But, you know, 17 came and went,” I continued “As much as I hated living with my parents I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I turned 18 and I moved out. I started figure skating.” I gave a little bit of a laugh as I tied the last Loop and my laces and moved on to my next boot. “I mean, figure skating was the first thing I had done for myself that I really enjoyed in such a long time. I had my own car and found a job. Everything was okay. But, you know, Life is hard and rent, it's not cheap.

So, 18 came and went and I was by myself and feeling good and then 19 came. And that bottle of pills just looked so enticing. 

I was coming to terms with being bi, I was coming to terms with maybe not being a woman. I had my first ever relationship and it promptly ended when he cheated on me with my only friend at the time. 

I was late almost every month on rent. They were threatening to evict me every single month. 

And all I could hear in my head was my mom's words, echoing. You're going to regret leaving like this.

‘You're going to need me someday. 

You can't possibly do this all by yourself. You're weak, you're worthless. 

You would be better off dead. I would be better off if you had never been born.’ “

I know they probably wanted to leave but nobody dared to move as I continued monologuing. I was being an asshole. I knew it. This wasn't their problem. I shouldn't be telling them this. I knew they'd probably think I was just seeking sympathy; being overdramatic. But I had been wanting to say this kind of shit for a long time and I knew if I said it in therapy she would put me in an institution.

“But, you know, things got better.” I said with a little bit more cheer in my voice, “I got better friends, who actually cared about me. I obviously broke up with that cheating bastard. For a while I was feeling really good. I had some of my first skating competitions and won Gold. I was feeling so proud of myself.  Twenty years old, I was doing so good. At 21 years old, I actually had a stalker but I was mentally equipped to handle it. 

I handled it like a champ. 

I didn't even think about offing myself. 

But then I moved away from those good friends who made me feel so right. The ones who comforted me. The ones who made me feel sane. I moved up here to where I am now.”

I gestured, as if, the rink was the whole city that I had moved to, 

“I was alone in a brand-new City that I had never been to. I came to take care of my sister, but she doesn't want anything to do with me since I…” There was a brief pause. 

“She hasn't talked to me since I came out. So, I was stuck in the city away from everyone that actually cared about me. And that's when I met my ex, the one who used to do such horrible things to me. And then covid happened and I was trapped with him 24/7. Yes, I would go to work and stuff. But I couldn't skate anymore. I had to stay with him every single day, I had to listen to him talk about, brag about, what he would do to me. I had to sit there and just take it. 

At this point though, I didn't really have a date, I was set on. No more of this ‘I bet I'll be dead by the time I turned 17’ bullshit. No. Now that I was 22. Things were a little bit different. Now, it was, if I get pregnant, I'll kill myself. 

If he tries to hit me, I'll kill myself. 

If he tells me he's going to kill himself, I'll just kill myself first.”

“Oh but yeah you got out of that relationship, right?” One of the coaches offers up. “Remember when you said that you broke up with him a few months ago?” 

“Yeah, that's true,” I answer as I finish lacing up the last skate “and I'm talking to my friends back at my home town way more often. So that's good for me too. And you know, I started hockey and that's been fun. It’s been hard and everything but I've been doing my best.”

I finally look up at all these coaches who are staring at me, as should have been expected. I give them a shrug and sigh.

“It's not nearly as bad as it was,” I tell them, “But I think we need to remember that. This is a journey and I'm still in the middle of it. 

And times are still hard right now. 

Being alive is a scary situation at the moment. Every day in the news, I'm hearing about horrible things that happen to people like me. Occasionally my grandma, or my mom or my sister will text me to remind me how much of a sinner, how dirty and disgusting they think I am. 

I'm constantly seeing lawmakers try and take away my rights just because they don't like the idea of what I am. Just because they're so insecure and who they are. That they have to take it out on me.  Having this kind of shit, bog down your mind every single day. It's tiring. And sometimes it seems like the best way is to take a permanent route out. Eternal Slumber and all that. But honestly, at the moment, the things keeping me going.  Are knowing that there are people out there like me. That needs an example. 

I might not be perfect. 

But I can show others that there is some hope out there. 

Surviving might not be thriving. But surviving is resistance. 

My survival is a protest. Happy Pride.”

One of the coaches awkwardly clasps her hands and gives a nervous laugh. 

“Well I guess it's time for me to get out on the ice.” She quickly ducks her head out of the room and many of the others follow suit. I'm shortly behind them. I don't want to get stuck with the others that are lingering and get asked a bunch of questions. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just kept it to myself. 

But keeping that kind of shit locked up, is kind of what got me here in the first place, isn't it?

[lacefuneral]

i’m not much of an AU person, especially not academic related ones, but just had this thought (obligatory “feel free to take this idea and use it for fic/art/etc if it inspires you”)

TOS spirk college AU

Jim majors in engineering in college because he likes to take things apart and rebuild them, and he’s very good with cars in particular. He worked for the local mechanic shop in his rural hometown before he left for college, and he still works there in the summer. 

Unfortunately, Jim is bad at math. Like... very bad at it. And his major requires him to take a lot of math courses and to apply that knowledge to what he’s learning. He’s in his sophomore year and he’s 19.

Spock is graduate student, who has selected this school in order to earn his master’s degree in biology. He completed undergrad in 3 years instead of 4, and is 21. He is expedient and organized, and gets his daily research done quickly. This means that he has a lot of free time, which he uses to peruse the literature section of the library. He notices a flier for the school’s math tutoring service, and offers to be a volunteer.

Likewise, Jim sees the same flier (because he, too, spends a lot of time in the library), and decides that tutoring would help him.

Spock is very professional during their tutoring sessions, and does his best to help Jim with the areas he’s struggling in. He does have a crush on him, but he conceals it well and doesn’t allow it to distract him.

Jim, on the other hand, finds it very difficult to focus on the lessons because he’s enamored by Spock’s deep voice, his elegant hands, and his artfully-applied makeup. He often spaces out and has to ask for explanations to be repeated, much to his embarrassment.

It gets to the point where he is actually getting worse at math instead of better, because during homework and exams he keeps thinking about Spock instead of what he was trying to learn.

Eventually, Jim tells Spock that the tutoring isn’t helping and that he wants to discontinue their sessions. Spock, naturally, assumes that he did something wrong or that his crush was too obvious and made Jim uncomfortable. He stops volunteering, and his schedule starts to fall apart because he spends most of his time worrying that he hurt Jim. He ends up having to pull a lot of all-nighters in the library, chugging copious amounts of caffeine. He stops wearing makeup and his beard grows in.

Without the tutoring, Jim continues to struggle with math. He, too, begins to pull all-nighters in the library. He finds a disheveled vulcan sleeping with his head on a table, and gently wakes him to see if he’s alright.

Spock is... mortified, to say the least. He tries to shield his face with his arms in the hopes that he won’t be recognized, but it’s too late.

“You look like hell. Wanna get out of here for a while?” Jim offers. 

They pack up their bags and crash in Jim’s dorm room. Jim heats up some ramen for the both of them and they have their first real conversation with one another. Where are you from? What’s your favorite color? etc. 

Jim admits that he has ADHD, and wonders if that’s part of the reason he struggles with numbers. Spock immediately perks up and shares that he’s dyslexic and autistic, and that he often struggles with reading and writing. He also notices the little pride flag sticking out of the pencil holder on Jim’s desk, and discloses that he’s gay. Jim snorts at him and says, “Yeah, I know.”

this is about where my brain hits a roadblock in terms of specifics but they help each other get back on track with their work and they end up going on a date and it’s all very cute

and then the epilogue is months? years later? when they’ve been dating for awhile. jim admitting that he quit the tutoring because of his crush and spock rolling his eyes because he liked him back! they could have dated back then!

[animeniacss]

A Palette of Emotions - Artist!Taehyung x Teacher!Reader - Chapter 19 - Date Number 2

Synopsis: Taehyung dreams of being a professional and famous artist one day, but finds that the sea of creativity can be lurking with blood hungry sharks, as well as bland, motionless starfish. Swimming through the sea of opportunities somehow washed him up onto the shore of Bright Star Preschool, as an art teacher. This wasn’t where he expected to be 4 years into his career, but anything to get his big break though, right?

Feat. BTS, TXT, ITZY, Jisoo (BlackPink), Taeyong (NCT)

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, School Setting, Working!AU

Length: approx. 5.2k words

Chapter 19 - Date Number 2 

It had been a few weeks since your…enlightening lunch with your younger sister. After her little conversation with those two men at the entrance, she returned to the table, attempting to continue your conversation as if nothing had changed. However, you couldn’t stop thinking about her comment. As playful or fabricated as she intended for it to be, she agreed with your doubts regarding your romantic standing with three men who you still were unsure if you wanted to have any romantic standing at all. It wasn’t something that could just be pushed away when the pizza was brought out to the table and Bong-Cha began talking about her own love life.

         Despite that, however, you managed to keep up appearances at work as to not worry any of your coworkers. Yoongi’s team had placed second in the high school basketball tournament, and Yoongi had just returned to the preschool to continued his physical education teachings with the kids, much to their delight. There was one day, a Wednesday, where you and Hoseok dropped off the kids on the field with Yoongi, who eagerly herded the kids towards him in fits of excitement. Hoseok headed to the classroom once again to sneak a snack and rest, tired after a long morning of teaching small groups of children the names of shapes and colors. It’s a taxing job. Meanwhile, you were walking down the hall when you saw the door to Taehyung’s room open. Stopping in the doorway, you watched the man run his hands through his fluffy hair and pace the room. He was looking all over the room as if each location held a new secret to whatever answer he was so desperately looking for. He didn’t notice you at first, so you crossed your arms and rested on the door frame, silently continuing to watch him.

         “…You look like you’re losing your mind.” You finally said, and dark eyes turned to look in your direction. It made you chuckle. “If that’s what it is, you’re a bit late to the party. In a preschool, one is supposed to lose their mind within the first week of employment, or else they’re considered crazy.” Once Taehyung offered a small chuckle, you stepped into the room. “What’s wrong?”

         “Everything.” He admitted. “President Kim said that his higher-ups want to come and evaluate me.” You blinked. “I thought I was only hired here as a recreational thing, not a real teacher. I don’t have my teaching degree.”

         “I know. But you work full-time here, and I’m sure Seokjin speaks your praise at all of his evaluation meetings. Don’t worry too much about it, they probably just want to come and finally meet you.” Taehyung’s shoulders slumped. “If you want to trade, you can easily do my educational evaluation.” You said simply. “I have to show all of my lessons for the past four months, along with all of the student’s progress and how I plan to help continue to keep their progress going. It’s lots of paperwork.”

         Taehyung shook his head. “No, thanks…” A smile formed on his lips. “But that makes me feel a little better.”      

         “Don’t stress, you’ll be okay.” You assured.

         “But it’s not just that,” Taehyung said. “I got invited to another art show this weekend and I wanted to try and have a few new works prepared for it, but I haven’t hit my usual quota.”

         “Is something on your mind causing all of the artist blocks?” you asked curiously. Taehyung looked over in your direction. He was silent for a moment as he studied your features, unsure of what to say. You offered him a soft smile, and his heart swelled a bit. It felt as if it did a flip, and Taehyung had to make sure he wasn’t having a stroke at that moment before responding.

         “…No, not particularly.” He said simply. After a brief moment of silence, he coughed into his hands. “How’s your sister?” He asked. You glanced at him, hands at your sides. “Has she been well?”

         “…Is she causing the block?” you cooed, grinning a bit. Taehyung’s eyes widened, and he shook his head.

         “No, no, no! Maybe that was a bad shift to different conversations but trust me, she is not the reason I’m having this block.” You forced a little laugh out, and a feeling of guilt sat right on Taehyung’s broad shoulders. He only felt that way because as the giggle subsided, the corner of your lips turned downward, and he hated that sight.

         “I see…” you said simply. “I was just kidding, anyway.” You smiled. “But Bong-Cha is just fine. She’s as obnoxious as ever. She even got upset with me the other day because she asked if I wanted to go shopping with her. But she told me an hour before she left. So, when I told her that I was busy working on my education reports, she tried to guilt me into not coming with her.” You scoffed. “She’s lucky she’s got a cute face because she’s a little devil.” Taehyung chuckled. “Anyway, on a different topic…” you began, and Taehyung walked towards his desk, before turning his attention back to you. For a moment, you knew what you wanted to ask. You knew that you wanted to initiate getting together after your educational evaluation had ended. However, you knew bringing that up would only cause you trouble, and the worst part of it was, you had no idea when that trouble would hit. After racking your brain for a moment, you shook your head. “Tell me more about this art festival.”

         Taehyung coughed into his hand. “Oh, well it’s actually by Haneul Park.” He said simply. “I found it online so I messaged the people doing it. It’s a bit small, they just started holding it a few years ago. But artists just kind of get together and paint, and people who pass by stop and look and sometimes will buy or even commission a painting right there.” You smiled.

         “That’s amazing. I hope it goes well.”

         “I’ll do my best.” Taehyung smiled. “If you want to come, Uhm-.”

         “I’ll see how much of my work I get done, okay?” you said happily. Once again, the appearance of that infectious smile made Taehyung’s only grow wider.

         “Right, of course.” He said happily. “I understand.” Your eyes wandered to the clock, and a small hum escaped your lips.

         “I should probably go try and get some of it done now, while I have the time.” You said simply. “I hope you get over your artist block and do well this weekend at the show.”

         “Right.” He said, opening up one of his drawers. “Thank you. See you later~.” Both of you waved one another off, before you disappeared out of the room, closing the door behind you. Taehyung took a moment, embracing the silence that enveloped him before plopping down in his seat. Quickly, he grabbed hold of a nearby pencil, sharpened to still untouched perfection, and grabbed a small piece of paper that he kept several of inside his drawer. When the two combined, Taehyung began sketching a big circle on the paper. As he smoothed out features, darkened lines while erasing others, he smiled to himself as a familiar smile breathed life onto the once blank paper. As he continued to scribble, he could feel his mind chipping away at the artist block that so stubbornly sat within his mind.

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         Namjoon was approaching the daycare at the end of the day, the bright school coming into view as he rolled up. The windows were down, and despite the wind whipping in and out of his car, he could hear children shouting in excitement as they ran around outside waiting anxiously to be picked up. As Namjoon got closer and closer to the school, immediately, something flashed in his mind.

         An image of you, bright red in the cheeks, staring up at him in shock as your fingers grazed your lips; lips he had just taken the liberty to kiss. Just the thought, as cute as it was, slammed his hands on the wheel, cursing himself. He still had yet to see you since then, having Jungkook drop off and pick-up Kai at daycare ever since. The last thing he ever wanted was to make you more uncomfortable, and seeing you could make it worse. However, Jungkook couldn’t make it in time to get Kai, leaving only Namjoon to do it. As he pulled up to the front of the daycare, another car pulled away. When he looked out the window, he saw Kai immediately. He was sitting on the swing with Kim Taehyung, both swinging side by side as Hoseok pushed the little boy, who was grinning ear to ear. After a moment of scanning, he saw only Kai was left, hence the undivided attention from all of the teachers. That included you. You were standing beside the swing, smiling softly as you watched the little boy flying on the swing.

         The sound of Namjoon’s car turning off alerted the attention of those on the swing set. Seeing your eyes flicker in Namjoon’s direction. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, and he had to force down a gulp as he stepped out of the car. Before turning into their view, Namjoon made sure his glasses and suit jacket were fixed and that he looked presentable. Once he was ready, he turned around and waved to the group.

         “Daddy!” Kai cheered, kicking his legs. “Mr. Hobi, stop me, please!” Hoseok laughed a bit as he grabbed the swing, settling Kai before he hopped off and hurried to meet his dad at the door. “I thought Kookie was picking me up.”

         “Kookie has to do schoolwork today,” Namjoon said as he scooped his son up, kissing his cheek. “Why, would you rather he picked you up instead of your favorite dad?” Kai giggled, little arms wrapping around his father’s neck as he offered him a tight hug. He looked towards the three of you and smiled.

         You seemed to be the only one offering him a kind smile, but honestly one out of three smiles was more than what he thought he would receive. Hoseok paused for a moment, before following your lead and offering a gentle smile and a nod. Taehyung, however, offered no smile, instead of keeping his lips in a tight and thin line with no intention of saying anything. Namjoon nodded. “Thank you.”

         “Of course.” Kneeling, you grabbed Kai’s backpack and walked over to Namjoon, passing it to him with a nod. “Have a good night.”

         Namjoon was hesitant, glancing down at your hand that tightly held the colorful backpack. Nodding, Namjoon’s hand outstretched and took the bag. When he smiled, his dimples poked out. It made your smile just slightly wider. “Goodnight.” He said gently. “Say thank you, Kai.”

         “Byeeee, Teacher! Thank you!” Kai said, extending his hand to wave. You quickly waved back, grinning more as Namjoon carried his son to the car and buckled him up in the back. You watched him slide into the front seat, starting up his car. He did not drive away immediately, instead of turning back to watch as you, Hoseok, and Taehyung headed into the daycare once again. He let out a sigh, but the sigh must have been too loud, as he heard Kai shift in the backseat. “Daddy, are you okay?” he asked. Namjoon looked over his shoulder to his son, who stares at him with a look of confusion etched on his face. He had to rack his mind of something to say to his son that made sense, something that he would accept without a second thought. Kai was wild, but he was also smart. Namjoon liked to think that’s one thing he passed down to his son.

         “I’m okay,” Namjoon assured gently. “I just wanted to make sure I had all of our stuff…” Kai looked to his side, patting his backpack and offering a grin.

         “I packed all my stuff by myself today.” He said, and Namjoon chuckled a bit.   

         “Oh, good.” He hummed. “I’m proud of you. Let’s head home and rest before dinner.” Kai nodded in agreement as he looked out the window, watching as his dad put the car in drive and pulled away from the daycare center. As Namjoon drove away, he kept thinking back to his interaction with you just now, hoping that he did not do anything that would make you uncomfortable. That was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

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         “Taehyung.” Jimin hummed, glancing over at his friend. Despite the bustling air surrounding the duo as they sat together at their little art festival, Taehyung was in his world since he arrived. Many different people passed by the groups of people who were creating or trying to sell already created artworks, the clear sky and beating sun shining their paths. It was a welcoming and friendly atmosphere around the art fair, and everyone seemed to be infected to act that way as well. That is, except for Taehyung.

         Taehyung was sitting comfortably under a tree, his paintbrush hovering over the blank canvas before him. Jimin, who was watching him from his seat under the tree, let out a sigh as he got no response.

         “Tae…” Jimin said again, but once again fell on deaf ears. He sighed, lifting himself from his spot in the grass and walking over to him. “Earth to Taehyung.”

         The boy’s head spun around in a whirl. “Hm?” he asked, eyeing his friend.

         “How’s your painting coming?” he asked curiously. “You’ve been so busy with it, it’s almost as if you’re in another world.” Jimin sat beside his friend, curiously tilting his head as Taehyung turned back and ran a hand through his hair. Upon closer inspection, Jimin saw that little to no progress had been made on the painting, and all that he saw was scribbles of various colors in small spots. It made Jimin smile. “This a new abstract piece you’re working on?”

         “No…” Taehyung sighed. “I thought being outside would be good for me but it’s not doing much good.” A sigh escaped his lips and he set his canvas down onto the grass, his paintbrushes lying beside it. Quickly, Taehyung dug into his pocket and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. Jimin watched as he unfolded it, and examined it for a moment.

         “Oh…is that-?” Taehyung nodded.

         “We spoke during work and afterward I wanted to draw her again…” Taehyung said softly. “I thought it kind of cleared some of my blocks. Normally it does, but this time I just…” he sighed. “I’m not sure, my head is foggy lately.” Jimin offered a gentle rub to his friend’s shoulder. “It sucks. I can’t remember the last time I was this block.”

         “I can,” Jimin said simply. “When you first came to my house. We were what, eighteen, and you had that huge fight with your parents over the summer break. You were trying to paint enough so that we could move you to Paris…” Taehyung chuckled a bit. “But you couldn’t get anything to come up for weeks.”

         “…Yeah, I remember now,” Taehyung said softly. “But it still sucks, and I hate it.” Jimin snorted a bit, grinning.

         “I know. But you’ll get your groove back. For now, why don’t you just enjoy the time out here with your best friend, loyal companion, and favorite manager?” Jimin asked. Taehyung pursed his lips.

         “Because none of those people could make it today.” Jimin gasped, shoving his friend as a playful grin formed on his face. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” He teased, but to no avail as Jimin continued to shove him, both of them laughing in amusement. Taehyung sighed, taking another look at his picture of you he had recently made. He scanned each detailed line, each glimpse of an eraser mark that remained ever so faintly, ones that only he could see because he knew exactly where they were. He had no idea how long this artist’s block would last, but he had one idea of what he could do to try and fix it.

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         “The Leeum Museum of Art?” You hummed softly “Why?”

         “Yeah,” Taehyung said simply. “I wanted to go to a museum to get some much-needed inspiration.” You leaned back in your seat, resting against the comfy back of the couch as you nursed a half-empty glass of wine. ��So, I thought I would ask if you wanted to join me?”

         A long silence followed Taehyung’s question, mostly because you didn’t know how to respond. Yes, you wanted to go and enjoy the time out with Taehyung. However, how would Taehyung take the offer? You had already suggested seeing him again but…well, that was then. You felt differently then, things felt differently then. Taehyung caught wind of the silence, and when he let out a long exhale, even over the phone it sent a shiver up your spine.

         “…You don’t have to consider it a date if you don’t want to,” Taehyung added quickly. “I just want to spend time with you, as friends. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

         “I know.” You said softly. As you took another sip of your drink, you sighed. “But it sounds fun. I’d love to join you.” Taehyung grinned on the other end.

         “Okay. I’ll plan the entire thing, okay? Is there anything that doesn’t work for you?”

         “No, I’m free as a bird the same times you are.” You grinned. “Just let me know.”

         “Okay.” He hummed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m excited to go. You’ll like the museum, it’s amazing.” You couldn’t help it, you had to grin, even more, the sound of Taehyung’s excitement making you feel excited right along with him. “I’ll call you tomorrow after I set it all up, okay?”

         “…Okay.” You said softly. “Have a good night, Taehyung.”

         “You too.” He said happily. “Goodnight.” The both of you hung up the phone and you looked at your wine glass. The contents were almost empty and you tossed the remainder of the drink down your throat. The glass settled on the coffee table, and your head lolled onto the back of the couch.

         “Guess I have another date.” You hummed softly to yourself. “Let’s see how this one goes.” As another grin formed on your face you hopped out of your seat and headed to your room. Arms stretched above your head, you let out a loud groan.

         As Taehyung set his phone down, he looked over to his work station, where tons of uncompleted sketches and small paintings waited patiently for the day Taehyung would finally finish them. As he walked over, he set himself into his seat and lifted some of the papers. A few were bent, crumpled up in fits of artistic anger only to be reopened hours later when Taehyung felt regret at throwing away something that could be so perfect. Taehyung sighed, staring as if somehow, the longer he stared the more likely inspiration would jump out at him. For now, nothing. Sure, he’s doodled, sure he’s put paint to canvas. However, nothing he’s created recently was anything he would ever attempt to sell anywhere, and his completed paintings were growing older with each passing day. As he rested his head back on his chair, he let out a deep sigh.

         Hopefully, a trip to the museum would help spark the dull part of his imagination that was normally oozing with inspiration. If not, then he can take solace in the fact that he got to spend time with you for the day. That was a win in his book too.

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         “I can’t believe you got another date with her,” Baekhyun said over the phone. Taehyung offered a confident grin even though he knew his friend couldn’t see it. He was waiting on a bench by the entrance to the bus station for you, his most recently received text saying you were on your way and would be there soon. Despite the cloudy skies and rumors of rain later, Taehyung felt the sun shining throughout his body. “Sparks are flying, hm?”

         ‘Well, I don’t know if she considers it a date.” Taehyung admitted. “I’ve noticed she’s been a bit off these past few days so I don’t want to push her too much. But-.”

         “Buuuuut you want to go on a date with her so bad anyway, right?” Baekhyun teased. Taehyung chuckled a little along with his friend.

         “Of course, I do.” He said simply. “I just hope she isn’t uncomfortable.”

         “If she agreed I’m sure that she’s not uncomfortable,” Baekhyun assured. Taehyung nodded, his eyes scanning the crowds of people for any signs of your arrival.

         “I’m going to get going. She should be here soon.” Taehyung said. With a quick goodbye, Taehyung slid his phone into his back pocket and crossed his arms, continuing to scan the area. He had yet to catch a glimpse of you, wondering if five minutes had passed since your text. As he continued to look, he heard a voice gasp behind him, and it shocked him a bit. When he turned around, he saw two girls, most likely a year or so younger than Taehyung, standing up straight and tall with stunned expressions on their faces. “Uhm…”

         “I told you, Seohyun, it’s Taehyung from Instagram. That seriously attractive artist!” One girl whispered to her friend, though Taehyung heard it and couldn’t help but chuckle.

         “Oh my God, you’re right.” She squealed. “Wow, nice to meet you, Oppa.” Taehyung smiled a bit.

         “Nice to meet you too. Always makes me happy to meet fans, you know? Makes me feel like some sort of celebrity.” The girls giggled at each other.

         “You are talented, Oppa. I went to that art show you said you were going to last week in the park. I saw you, but you were so busy that I didn’t want to bother you.”  Taehyung smiled a bit.

         “Busy being artist blocked, maybe.” He hummed playfully. “But hopefully that’ll be gone soon.”

         “Hopefully,” Seohyun said. “Fighting, Taehyung-Oppa~!” both of the girls giggled like school girls, and Taehyung once again had to let out another laugh. “What are you doing today, Oppa?”

         “Oh, uh…” Taehyung thought about his next words carefully. He didn’t want to admit that he was going on – what he considered to be – a date. Not because he was worried it would create issues, he was in no way popular enough for that. He honestly, didn’t think it was anyone’s business. “Just going to the museum so that I can get some artistic inspiration.” The girls offered each other smiles.

         “I hope it works out.” They said happily. “Maybe next time, we can join you.” Taehyung blinked.

         “We’ll see…” He laughed nervously.

         “Oh! Can we take a picture, Oppa?” Seohyun asked curiously. Taehyung nodded, smiling as he watched the girls dig into their purses to grab their phones. Taehyung took this moment to look back over his shoulder to see if he caught you arriving yet. He didn’t, and a sigh escaped his lips. “Ready!” they cheered, and Taehyung turned back around. He watched as Seohyun lifted her phone, angling it so that both girls and Taehyung were in the shot. Seohyun put up a peace sign, her friend threw up a finger heart, and Taehyung put a peace sign over his eye. The click of the camera sent that picture into Seohyun’s photo’s app, and she gasped in excitement. Almost immediately, she pulled it up and showed her friend, who immediately begged for it to be sent to her phone. “Thank you, Oppa.” They gasped, looking up at Taehyung. Their eyes were sparkling and they were grinning like little children. It made Taehyung feel a warm and fuzzy sensation throughout his body. He had met a lot of fans at shows and in random spots, but most of them have usually only commented on his looks. These girls mentioned his art somewhat, and that alone made him feel happy.

         As the girls continued to look at the picture, Taehyung once again turned around to look for you. As his eyes scanned the crowd once again, he saw you. You were approaching the entrance to the bus station, fixing your bag that rested across your chest as you walked. Your hair, unlike almost every other time he had seen you out, was not tied up in cue ribbons, but instead was released, and fully resting on your shoulders. You were wearing an oversized beige sweatshirt that was decorated with brown and black stripes. It was tucked into a brown skirt, one that clung to your hips much like the skirts you wore to work, however, this one was much more casual, and looked a lot cuter on you. Taehyung let out a breathless chuckle as he watched you get closer, and quickly called your name. When you looked up in his direction, so did the two girls.

         “Hey~!” You grinned, hurrying over to Taehyung. “I heard it was supposed to rain so I brought my umbrella just in case, and wanted to make sure I’ve dressed appropriately so I was running a bit late. Then, I got lost in the crowds when I got here so I had to find my footing a bit, and-.” When you looked up at Taehyung, you saw him grinning playfully as you continued to ramble. It only made you laughed nervously. “Were you waiting long?”

         “No, not at all. I was able to keep busy.” He grinned. “You look nice, once again,” Taehyung said. You smiled, smoothing out your skirt.

         “Thanks. I wasn’t sure what I could wear to a museum that made me look sophisticated.” Both of you laughed a bit. “I’m glad I look okay.” Taehyung nodded, offering you his arm.   

         “Shall we go?” He asked, looking down at you. You hummed, smiling up at him before nodding, hesitantly taking his arm. Taehyung could see that hesitancy and bit his lip a bit.

         “Let’s go.” He said happily. As the two of you began to make your way inside, the girls were standing in front of you. “Hello again.” He greeted. You raised an eyebrow, staring at the two girls who looked less than amused.

         “You have a girlfriend?” Seohyun pouted sadly. Taehyung looked over at you and saw your cheeks tint pink. However, you said nothing. Taehyung had no idea what to say to them, not sure if confession that you were not a thing yet could ruin everything, he had been working towards with you.

         “I’m not his girlfriend.” You said quickly. “We’re coworkers…but who are you two, anyway?” The girls exchanged glances.

         “Fans,” Taehyung said simply. “I took a picture with them while I waited for you.” You hummed, nodding your head before offering them a smile.

         “Yeah, and he can’t have a girlfriend, Seohyun, because while we were talking to him, he was-.” The girl was interrupted by you lifting your hand in her direction, and she blinked.

         “We’re going to miss our bus….” You said simply. The girls, nor Taehyung gave a response. “…Well, it was nice to meet you. Have a good day.” You said simply. The girls tried to but back in, but you calmly nodded your head and led Taehyung into the bus station. “So, Taehyung, how long ‘til the bus arrives?” You asked curiously.

         “About 30 minutes. We have enough time to grab a snack on the way if you’re hungry.” The girls watched the two of you create small talk, heading deeper into the crowds of people both entering and exiting the station along with you. Once you were out of their sight, the girls stood there, defeated in their failed attempt to try and intimidate you.

         Taehyung looked over at the door when you were deep enough in, to see if those girls ended up following you. They didn’t, and Taehyung let out a sigh of relief, glad to avoid any issues. Upon looking back at you, he saw you staring up at him.

         “…What?” he asked.

         “Was that girl going to say you were flirting with them before I got there?” You asked curiously. Taehyung ran a hand through his hair.

         “Probably. But I didn’t. They were just asking for a picture and talked about my art. It made me happy, I was trying to be nice.” You nodded, shrugging.

         “It doesn’t matter to me.” You said simply. “They were very pretty so I wouldn’t blame you.”

         “I wasn’t,” Taehyung said again, harsher this time. A smile formed on your face, and you squeezed his arm just a bit.

         “I know.” You replied simply. “I’m just kidding.”

         “Not very funny…” Taehyung pouted, causing a giggle to arise from your stomach. Taehyung sighed, smiling a bit as well from your infectious giggle. “Come on, now. Let’s get going.” You grinned, nodding as you followed Taehyung down the hallway and towards the faster-arriving bus.

         As both of you stood waiting for the bus to pull up to the station, you looked at Taehyung. He had pulled out his phone, typing away on the keyboard with his hand, his other arm still extended to provide you with something to hold. You had yet to let go, but he didn’t seem to mind the position. You stared ahead as the bus pulled up to the stop, and people got off the bus and headed onto the streets of Seoul, some listening to music while others chatted with friends both in person or on the phone. Taehyung gently led you onto the bus and motioned you towards the first available seats he could grab. You smiled at him as he seated himself beside you. “Are you excited?” he asked, smiling at you.

         A quick nod, followed by a smile was your initial response. “Yeah. I think museums are pretty fun.”

         “You always struck me as the kind of person who loves museums.” He said simply. You shrugged.

         “Guess I’m not as much of a stick in the mud as you thought, hm?” Taehyung laughed a bit.

         “I guess not.” He cooed. “But even if you were, I don’t think I would have minded either way.” You felt your cheeks tint pink, and you immediately looked out the window, watching as the bus started up and pulled from the stop and into the traffic on the streets. You didn’t know how to reply to that one.

         So, you didn’t.

         Upon reaching the bus stop, it was another 5 minutes to walk to the actual museum, but neither one of you minded. Despite the gloomy weather, you would most likely get inside before any major rainfall occurred. So, arm in arm, you made your way down the block to the museum. As you both arrived, the museum in view along with crowds of people exiting and entering, you felt Taehyung’s arms flex a bit. When you looked up at him, his eyes were sparkling more and more with every step closer.

He was so entranced in what he was looking at, and you were too invest in him, that neither of you noticed two familiar figured that caught immediate glances at you as you headed inside.

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[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

[randomisemily]

I wanna rant about getting my driver’s license, but some people might need to know some stuff beforehand, so here you go:

- In Belgium, you have to take a written test on basic knowledge of traffic (rules & signs), passing that test allows you to request for a permit 

- There are two different permits: 1) 36 months: allows you to drive, but not by yourself. 2) 18 months: allows you to drive by yourself. Though, in both cases, you have to take lessons beforehand. 

-You can get your license at the age of 18 

- the driver’s test includes a “risk perception” test (you have to watch a few videos and determine who’s on the road and who’s a risk etc) + also, of course, a test on the road, including a few parking skills

- Additonally, I’d like to mention that the laws concerning learning how to drive and permits etc have changed A LOT the last few years, so if sometimes my rant is confusing, IT IS FOR ME AS WELL

- Every 2 times you fail an exam, you have to take 6 hours of lessons before you are allowed to take the exam again. 

ALRIGHT LETS GET STARTED

So when I was 18, I personally felt like I wasn’t ready to get my license yet. I wasn’t all that interested anyway and because I had friends who could drive, an older brother,... I was happy not driving. It didn’t bother me that much, and when Iook back at that time, I might even add that I might’ve been scared to drive. 

I felt like my life wasn’t too difficult without a license, though I lived in a rural area, I had easy access to busses and, mostly, trains. I also pretty much biked everywhere, and I didn’t mind that much.  

When I was 19, I started dating my fiancé, who had a license and took me everywhere. Some might think he was enabling, but in our case, I think he was just happy to do it. He was patient with me and when I was almost 21, I took the written test and passed. 

See, after that, I’m fuzzy on the details because I’m 28 now. So time has PASSED. But at that time I did decide to get a 36 month license. The reason was mostly financial: for a 18 month license, you have to take more lessons, and the lessons are expensive. (to drive alone, you have to take 20 hours of lessons, which as roughly 1500 euros). BUT for the 36 month permit, it’s only required to take 6 hours, which is rougly 500 euros. Considering the fact I had to pay that myself, I felt like I couldn’t afford the extra 1000 euros. I think, the other reason was that I was scared to drive by myself - maybe even scared to drive at all.

The permit I chose, requires you to get a mentor. Usually, it’s a family member, in my case, it was my dad. I thought it would be a good choice because my dad knows how to drive a truck and has tons of experience. He’s also calm and I thought he’d be good at giving instructions. 

That worked out a little different. It seemed like my dad was, like myself, a little scared to teach me. So here we were: two people who weren’t going to encourage each other to drive. The addition problem was that my dad’s working a lot, so a lot of times I was tired or he was. Yeah, it’s an excuse, and we knew it. 

One time, when were finally practicing, we were on a private road nearby. We were just starting & stopping, you know, the basics. There was a guy walking his Jack Russell, but without a leash. We weren’t going fast at all, but all of the sudden, the dog ran in front of my car. The dog ran off, over a big field, as fast as it could, and eventually, it ran home. We were shocked, scared and felt bad for the dog. The dog wasn’t injured that badly, but it so happened that we also had a similar dog at the time, so we truly felt for the little scared dog. I am, ‘till this day, though, a little angry with the owner because you don’t let your dog off your leash, that’s just my opinion. 

ANYHOW, after practicing a few months or something, we decided I was ready. I felt ready but both my dad and I were NERVOUS AS SHIT. The examirer was 15 minutes late, which only made it worse. My exam was a nightmare, after 5 minutes on the road, I had to go back. Out of nervousness, I didn’t see an old lady crossing the road. It was a disaster and the memory is still vivid. 

A second attempt came around the corner, and this time, I really thought I was ready. It was closer to the time the permit was going to expire, so I really hoped it would work out this time. Failed. This time, I didn’t use my breaks properly. Apparently, my dad had been teaching me wrong and I didn’t remember from the lessons I took. 

I can’t remember anymore why I failed the third time, but I did. And this time, my permit really was about to expire. After failing this time, I had no choice but to let it expire. 

This SUCKED because, as you might do the math, I was already 25 by then. And by the time I was 25, I did in fact, really need a car and a license. I had just graduated college and I needed a job. Schools in general are usually easily accessible by train, so was mine. Jobs, however, are not. For my internship in my last year of college, for example, I had to bike to the train station, take a train, tranfer to another train, take a bus and then bike again. The internship was great, getting there, however, was a nightmare. 

It also sucked because at the time, there was a rule in place, that dictated that if your permit expires, you can’t request a new one. There was a “waiting period” of 3 years. Yes, three YEARS. There are some exceptions because I can still, possibly, get your license during that time if you re-take your written test and take your driving exam with a professional driving school (the one you use to take lessons). This is, in fact, what I tried to do. The tricky part is that, when you’re not on the road during your “normal” life (work, groceries,...) it’s harder to get back on the horse. It was for me, anyway. I tried to the the exam that way twice. I failed twice. After the second time, I still had a year left in that “waiting period”, so I figured I wouldn’t try anymore and just wait it out. During those three years, I got a job nearby where I could bike to. It was alright. 

After the three years, and 5 exams later, I was fed up and I wanted to pass more than ever. But I knew I needed to do better this time. I took the 20 hours (yes, the lessons kept pilling up and so were the bills) so that I could drive alone and get the 18 month permit. By that time, I was also working full time and had moved out and moved in with my fiancé. So I was READY to be an adult and driving alone also meant that freedom I desperately wanted. 

My reasoning was also the fact that I felt like I didn’t have enough real life experience driving a car before. I didn’t need to do groceries, I was still living at home at the time and, as I mentioned, was always practicing with my dad. This time, not only did I want to drive alone, I needed to. 

A few months before the 18 months ended, I wanted to take the test again. Six times a charm, I thought. This time, my “mentor” wasn’t my dad anymore, it was my fiancé. Mind you, my fiance, lovely as he is, is neurotic and full of anxiety (bless his heart). Yet again, I was confronted by my nerves, and his. And failed the test because of my parking skills (or lack of). Actually, I was too nervous and had a minor anxiety attack while parking. 

The next time, I tried to get back on the horse almost right away and tried to take an exam with, not my boyfriend, but a professional driving instructor (€€€€€€). The seventh time almost worked out. I ALMOST passed, until the last few minutes I made a mistake at a crossroads. I mean, fuck. 

For the eight time, I realized I needed to do the same so I scheduled the exam for March this year. Then, of course, a pandemic came knocking on the door. The exam was cancelled and I felt major relief - though, I did need to pass and I knew it. 

After everything re-opened in May, I sort of procrastinated making an appointment again. I just, I couldn’t. I knew I had to, but I had failed this test 7 times. A driving test. Thinking about it, I mean, I have a bachelors degree. I had good job. I’m engaged. But I didn’t have a driver’s license. And no, I’m not a New Yorker. 

But luckily, when I procastinate, my body doesn’t agree and protests. I was watching a Modern Family episode one night where Haley struggled to get her license and I felt her pain so much. My heart was racing. I got nervous and flustered. And this continued. I was watching anyone driving on tv and I continued having tiny panic attacks. Talk about triggers: people driving. 

Anyway, I finally managed to call to make the apointment (took a lot of energy). I, again, made an appointment with a professional instructor. Though it was more expensive, it was the best approach. My car is old and driving my car to the exam would also mean I’d have to deal with my nervous (and not helping at all) fiancé. I knew I needed a steady and experienced person by my side. 

Yesterday, I took the test and I passed. Eight years and eight tries. 

I thought I would be ecstatic, but I wasn’t. I mean, I was. But honestly, It’s all been hitting me. Slowly. 

I’ve had this extreme fear. Extreme shame. Extreme anxiety for years. Because of that, it’s like, I have to process everything. I mean, everything. For example, I can now drive to my job, no strings attached. I can find a better job, that’s not as nearby. We bought a house to a rural area so it’s hard NOT to drive a car. I used to fear I’d feel locked up in the house as long as I didn’t have my license. Now, I have to process that this won’t be the case anymore and I can experience that freedom. There have been so many small things that I had to adjust to. Also, the shame I experienced. It’s just GONE now. Just simply, GONE. 

But in any case, I’m also super stoked. And the reason I ranted was

1) to express myself and get it off my chest but also

2) if anyone experiences the same thing (or a similar thing) to assure that it happened to me too.  

And for anyone who doesn’t want to ride with me - I totally understand but I took so many classes I consider it an asset. Not only do I know the laws of driving SUPER WELL, I am NEVER going to jeopardize it by driving badly. Because I ain’t planning on losing what I’ve got! 

thank you for reading or scrolling 

[sarshattack]

Azula’s Playlist

Okay, so. I made a playlist for Azula like a lot of other people because we all do appreciate playlists made for our favorite characters. But for some reason (I’m obsessed with here) I decided to make a commentary of why I did chose these songs and this specific order. In other words, I’m writing another essay about Azula.. It’s a playlist on her during the series but also how I imagined her redemption arc. 

So. Here’s the link to the playlist if y’all are interested: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6O0OEgwoKTSVXYiij13uMO

And I’ll put under the cut the abbreviated version of my commentary (I’m not done writing the whole thing yet but if you want, I’ll post it when it’s finished.)

Before hand, I’d like to excuse myself for my poor english. It’s not my first language and even tho I’m comfortable with it, it’s highly possible that I made dumb mistakes or stuff like that. So don’t be too harsh... Also, I’m note sure if I have to specify this but it will be full of spoilers so be aware of it if you’re not up to date.

So now that we’re good... Here we go ! 

1. Queendom - Vinida

Azula as we see her at the start of season two. Confident, savage, ready to take on the world. She's close to her notion of perfection. She's not afraid of losing because she never did. She's Ozai's perfect soldier and she's really proud of this title. She uses everyone around her because that what she does the best. She loves messing with other people's minds.

2. Army of Me – Björk

Azula during all the Ba Sing Se arc. She won’t retreat, she’s not afraid of anything crossing her path. She still thinks that she's the best and it's true. She is.

3. Nightmare – Halsey

Back at the Fire Nation’s palace. She’s got to do some reflection about herself but she loves it. Kinda Ember Island, too. She’s a little more vulnerable, she starts to act more… Human.

4. Everybody Wants To Rule The World – Lorde

Towards the end of season 3, she fully believes in Ozai’s supremacy. They will conquer the world together. They will rule together. She’s not afraid of anything once again. How could she be when she’s with Ozai? She doesn’t have to fear anything but his judgment. 

5. Warriors – 2WEI, Edda Hayes

Now, a little flashback on her early days. When se was still a little girl. Well, a few moments before she started to be Ozai's weapon. When she discovered what she had to do to bee praised by him. It's also about how she felt that it was him and her against the world.

6. Survivor – 2WEI, Edda Hayes

After Ty Lee and Mai's betrayal. She's once again alone. But it'.s okay or so she tells herself. She was always alone. And she's still the best.

7. Castle – Halsey

Azula is alone at the Fire Nation's palace. Ozai named her heir. It's now her palace. She's the rightful Fire Lord. But she starts to being more and more paranoid.

8. Dynasty – Rina Sawayama

Right before the Last Agni Kai, Azula's losing herself. She's alone, she can't keep her act up. This is the song of her downfall. But even in that state, she tries to stay the same, to please Ozai. She's afraid to disappoint him. It's also the song of her last fight.

9. Daddy Lessons – Beyoncé

As she fights her last battle, as she tries to stay up to Ozai's expectations, she thinks about him. About the tales he told her. Even when she knows that everything has been ruined, she stays his girl, his best soldier. She knows he never loved her but she decides to lie to herself. She has to. Or else she'll lose everything she ever had.

10. Medusa (acoustic) – Kailee Morgue

Here, Medusa is Katara. Even if it's Zuko who defeated her, Azula was alone and they were two. She lost. For the first time of her life or so. She doesn’t know what to do anymore. Medusa can also be the memory or the ghost of Ursa. Or Mai. In the end, they all are women who prefered her brother over her.

11. It Happened Quiet – AURORA

This one is more about Zuko's perspective. How he saw his sister fall. He tried to help her but he couldn't do it. Not yet, at least. After the last Agni Kai, he's visiting her at the hospital. He's watching over her as she sleeps. He's taking care of her. He's afraid to lose her, too. He wants to protect his little sister.

12. Never Ending – Rihanna

Azula woke up. She stays alone but highly guarded at all times. Since Aang take away her bending, momentarily, she doesn't feel like herself anymore. And every time she's force to watch a mirror, she sees Ursa or Ozai. She's overmedicated because doctors and nurses don't know how to treat her. She has nightmares every night. But the worst part is that she starts to feel things she never had before. The fear in her heart is gone. The anger not yet. The ghost in the mirror is herself. But she doesn't know that. Not yet, once again. She refuses to see her brother.

13. Praying – Kesha

After a while, her request to see Ozai has been approved. But she started to realize he wasn't the man she thought he was. This song is for him and for Ursa. She's still so mad at her mother for abandoning her and she stars to feel anger toward her father, too. That's a letter for them. She wants to become more than what they made her. And she wants to show them that she's better than them.

14. Guilty – MARINA

The overmedication is starting to make her lost her connection to reality. One day Zuko visits her and she's so drugged she can't refuse. She still has nightmares. But is it really nightmares or only memories? When Zuko tells her that people want her to pay for what she's done, she plead guilty. For everything. But she laughs, too. She says all of this with a mad eye. She's not herself anymore.

15. Icicles – The Scary Jokes

It's been months. Zuko is now officially Fire Lord and peace has been restored. But Azula's still locked up in a mental health facility where all the doctors do is giving her too much medication. And when she's not drugged, she finds everything ecstatic. Her vision of the world is distorted. She's always alone except for the nurses appointed to take care of her. But they're afraid of her. And they hate her for what she did. They're not professional at all. Once a month, Zuko tries to visit her. But he's always here when she's drugged. And all she does is speaking nonsense. Her paranoia is peaking. Her state is pitiful.

16. Headcase – Kailee Morgue, Hayley Kiyoko

Zuko got her out. He put her in a nice home on Ember Island. Not far from the house where they went when they were kids. She's still supervised all the time by nurses and guards, but they've been personally chosen by the Fire Lord to keep his beloved sister. Azula hates it. She keeps everything inside. She refuses to speak to psychiatrists and doctors. But, slowly, she starts to grow fond of one guard. She didn't recognize her at first. But it's Suki. She still acts as if she hates her but she can't hide that she loves her company. And Suki, even if she decided to stay professional, doesn't hate her guard duty that much anymore.

17. A Pearl – Mitski

After a year or so, Azula starts to do some self-reflection. After spending more time with Suki, learning how to manage how the feelings she has and how to cope with her traumas, she realizes she's a victim of abuse. But she's also conscious of some of the bad things she did. The war, her traumas, still lives inside of her. And she doesn't know what to do with it. She's afraid again. But, this time, it's not about other people. It's about herself. She's afraid that she'll never be able to change. That she'll never deserve Suki and her kindness, her understanding and her help. She decides to take a step in Zuko's direction after months of silence.

18. Shine – Birdy

Once again, it's a song from Zuko's perspective. The rain is a metaphor for the love he has for his sister. He wants to help her get better. He does his best to make the right things for her. He doesn't quite understand what she's going through. And he can't fully take care of her because he has his own traumas to deal with. But they can share pieces of what they had together. They talk about good memories. He wants her to have the Ember Island family house. He tells her she can move in anytime. And he'll lighten the guards on the property. He tells her she can become anyone. He will always help her.

19. She Was – Camille

Time has passed. This one is from Suki's perspective. She's living with Azula on Ember Island and gave temporarily the lead of the Kyoshi Warriors to Ty Lee. Azula is getting better. She's making arts because it helps her to communicate all the things she can't say out loud. She still has a long way to go but she's trying her best. This is a love song. Suki will always be there for Azula. She.'ll help her. She'll teach her how to be a better person. And she'll escort her everywhere on the road of recovery.

20. this is me trying – Taylor Swift

This is the last song. Azula's confession. She knows she'll never be the best like before. But she also knows she wasn't the best version of herself. She regrets what she did and learn every day to be a better version of herself. For the people around her, for the ones she hurt and for herself. This song is for Zuko and Ty Lee, the two victims of most of her abuse. This is a song for Suki, who helped her get better. This is a song for Aang, Katara and Sokka. For Toph. But this is also a song for Iroh. She still wants to prove him he did her wrong by never caring about her as much as he cared about Zuko. And this is also a song for Ursa. To show her the woman she became even thought she let her down. But she doesn't hold any grudge anymore. She's a new version of herself. A version she can love, fully. She still have regrets, she still have troubles every day. But mostly, she's learning. She's always been a perfect student.

 If you read all of this, I’d like to thank you. If you want a more in-depth and refined version, I’m working on that. Sorry if some parts are messy and/or poorly written. Hope you liked it :p

[thesummerstorms]

Rev Recaps Hard Contact (Chapter 19)

CW: Violence & blood. 

TL;DR Recap: Niner and Fi kill the scientists as they flee Uthan’s facility and Darman blows it up from underneath. Hokan realizes he now has no scientists and no virus. Etain briefly distracts Atin and he gets shot. Uthan is injured by shrapnel from his armor. Niner and Fi try to take down Hokan, but struggle against his beskar’gam. Niner decides on a trap.

Beginning Kal Count: 37 Ending Kal Count: 39

Last chapter, with the exception of the date rape joke, was actually fairly satisfying, so by the Traviss Law of Plotting, this one has to make me sigh. Here we go.

Darman and Atin are approaching the safety point where they can blow up the science facility from underneath, but Niner is observing it topside and tells them to hold off when he notices something happening.

Somewhere in the middle of that, we get this line”

Which, spoiler for Triple Zero, it absolutely is his new tic.

 Hokan has killed the lights, and when Niner’s night-vision kicks in, he hesitates to shoot at the people coming out of the building because he sees Hokan’s t-shaped visor and Niner associates with clones (and probably Kal, though mercifully that isn’t brought up for once) and his brain jumps to Atin and Dar, despite them being a ways away. After a moment, he opens fire when he realizes it’s Hokan, but it’s too late. After another second, a second group makes a break for it (Hurati and the scientists) and he and Fi successfully gun down 3/4 people. See? Foreshadowing. 

They decide to put more explosives into the facility, just to be on the safe side, so Fi and Niner throw in six anti-armor grenades to take out any remaining droids close to the surface, and also set the E-Web to overload. Then they book it, because Dar’s about to blow up the labs from underneath, and absolutely no one wants to be in that blast radius.

The things that make Fi happy.

Sadly, this is not endex. We switch to Hokan’s pov for the updated casualty report. He’s survived and so has Hurati, but all of the scientists are dead.

Niner apparently hit someone, just not Hokan. Or Hokan’s armor protected him. Or the scientist functionally turned into a shield. Hurati confirms that  he survived because he hit the ground, but that when he yelled drop, none of the scientists dropped. Hokan confirms that civilians tend to do that. Hurati adds more bad news by explaining that, given the color/temperature/position of the explosion, there’s no chance that any samples of the virus left in the facility survived. Which means Hokan has lost Uthan, the science team, and the virus work all in very short order. His only shot is to recapture Uthan, but his staff is down to him and Hurati, so chances aren’t great. He decides to try it anyway, sends Hurati hunting, and settles in to listen for the commandos.

We then switch to Etain’s POV. This is the scene that makes me sigh. But I’m just gonna ignore authorial intent and power through.

I can’t think of a great explanation for Etain being able to sense the larty and not droids/weapons/ *ahem* minefields. I really just don’t know. Best guess is what she’s feeling is less the gunship itself and more the Force rippling with the currents caused with what will happen because of the gunship/ how her life will be changed...

... but again. Triple Zero. The minefield. I don’t know.

a) “its drive chang[ed] pitch, and Darman reacted as if someone were talking to him” 

b)  everyone seems, at best, mildly perturbed the first time they see Atin be even remotely cheerful, and it’s pretty damn funny. If only it wasn’t a set up for disaster.

a) I pity that specific soldier too.

b) okay, so the “clones are appreciative of the little things & look how grateful they are compared to your average civvie” has been a MASSIVE throughline in this book (and series) but “His dreams were modest. She thought that was a fine example to set.” Actually, you know what, no, not when you look at the systemic reasons for the “modesty”. This line is just creepy.

c) (the highlighed line) Etain wants Darman’s respect. That should be your immediate red flag signal that something terrible is about to happen immediately so the narrative can show her why she doesn’t deserve it yet again.

d) (still though... she wants his respect, specifically, she wants to know what he wants to do when they finally escape this miserable place. notably, she isn’t even thinking what she’ll do, though of course having already read the book we know she doesn’t get to escape. but it’s not subtle is all I’m saying.)

Okay, so the set up the narrative is going for is clearly:

Etain wants to be liked/appreciated/respected so she decides to show off with her Force abilities ---> Professional and Competent Soldier is Distracted by Etain at the wrong moment ---> Atin gets shot and it’s Etain’s fault because she distracted herself and him with Force powers but those Force powers weren’t even good enough to see the REAL threat so what use are they actually, she’s worthless.

ahem.

As an Etain RP player... I tend to keep this as exactly how she perceives/remembers this incident. Her fault. A confirmation yet again that she isn’t worth anything to anyone, that she’s useless. The guilt stays with her, unless someone finally manages to corner her to talk about it, which no one has yet.

As someone critiquing the narrative... look, we’ve seen Omega get taken by surprise and be shot at before in this book. What it horrible, terrible timing that Atin is shot while Etain is, admittedly, showing off a bit because all three characters have relaxed after hearing the gunship? Yes. It’s terrible. But I really don’t feel like Etain deserves a much larger percentage of blame for what’s ultimately a matter of bad timing.

As for her not sensing Hurati... listen, Traviss you literally had her sense a gunship, aka machinery, not five minutes ago. Yet she can’t sense one clearly malicious/dangerous shooter nearby? Not only is that inconsistent with every pattern you have written so far, it’s an obvious authorial choice to force this exact situation despite internal coherency. Not unlike the minefield in True Colors.

I wish she’d just make a consistent thread for Etain’s abilities, but they’re always magically heightened when its necessary to resolve a plot, and otherwise diminished at any possible given moment so that we can rag on her some more.

Anyway, Darman downs Hurati and gets a look at him through the scope:

“He is now.” pffff.

Darman field medics Atin, who isn’t doing great, and prepares to carry him to the larty. Atin, per his history, tries to convince Darman to leave him behind, because, again. He’s been in this position before. Even if he weren’t critically injured, this would be pressing all his trauma buttons.

With Dar caring for/carrying Uthan, that leaves Etain to carry the partially sedated Uthan, except Etain realizes that Uthan has also been injured. She has a shard of shrapnel from Atin’s armor embedded in her ribs. This means that, if you view this incident as Etain’s fault, Etain has accidentally just endangered/ruined the entire mission. With Uthan dead, they might as well have blown up the planet from orbit and spared everyone the bleeding and the heartache. Great.

She’s got a point about trauma, but to be entirely fair to Kast, he didn’t teach her lessons that were “learned quicker by almost dying” because that’s an insane way to teach. Additionally, she’s also falling in love for the record, and just doesn’t know it yet, but I’m tired of KT’s pogoing back and forth between “jedi/not jedi” so we’re moving on.

So this is Kal Count 38, but it actually is a fair point about Fi versus Skirata, so I’m okay with this one. Fi and Niner start to talk about where they’d rather be deployed next, urban versus jungle, but it quickly devolves into an admission that Fi is not entirely detached or coping well; he just wants to be.

Fi gets the least amount of development of all of Omega Squad in this book, but it’s moments like these when you step back and remember, he also just watched all three of his original brothers die. Niner trying to reassure him is heartbreaking, as is realizing Fi is “shutting down” and trying to distance himself because it’s all happening again, and so close to the last mission, too.

Hokan cuts off this emotional moment by firing on Niner & Fi. They have difficulty because Hokan is wearing beskar’gam, which is as tough or tougher than their own armor, and he also is armed with a Verpine shattergun, which just made very quick work of Atin’s armor.

Fi and Niner realize that if they don’t hurry it up, Majestic will leave without them because now that Uthan has been captured, they’re unimportant to the mission. (They aren’t even wrong, actually; they just don’t know that Zey will end up staying on planet.) They comm Darman, who offers to leave Atin at the gunship and come back for them, but he’s got 10 minutes until he even gets to the larty, and Niner orders him to stay back. Then Hokan throws an EMP at them, and Niner & Fi lose all systems because apparently when the katarn helmets got upgraded after Geonosis they weren’t stress tested properly.

They try to throw some IEDs after Hokan, complaining about “civvies” who tested the armor the entire time, but that fails so they have to come up with another plan. Niner decides to try and trap him.

Kal Count jumps to 39, with one more chapter to go. But those last two lines never fail to break my heart.

[surveyyyys]

It’s 2020.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? I got really into fitness! I started lifting weights multiple times a week, and really taking care of my body. I put on a lot more muscle over the past year, and I finally actually like my body a lot! On a related note, I also went to a professional east coast bodybuilding competition. I didn't go for myself obviously, but I went to support my boyfriend.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Actually I did! I was one of those cheesy people who wanted to get in shape and start working out in the new year. I actually stuck to it, and working out became a really big part of my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope I don't think so!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed in the US the whole year... but I think that's gonna change in 2020!

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? Complete personal and financial independence, and a fresh start. And it's going to happen! I'm starting my first real job in June, and I'm moving into NYC. I'm graduating college too. It's gonna be a big year for me.

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 24, the day I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a solid full-time Equity Research analyst position in NYC for after graduation.

9. What was your biggest failure? I tried to stay single. I really did. I wasn't necessarily happier when I was single, but my head was clearer and I was always on top of my shit. But I couldn't stay truly single in 2019 for more than a month or more without being dragged into some stupid situationship with a guy that ended up expiring after 2 months. At the end of 2019, I ended up getting into a real relationship. I feel like I've spent a lot more of my young adult life in relationships or situationships rather than by myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I didn't actually!

11. What was the best thing you bought? This personal barbell pad. It makes hip thrusts and squats so much easier. I also got a couple hip circles for glute activation exercises. They changed my glute training because I finally started feeling exercises in my glutes... they're the reason I have a butt now!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? This is gonna sound conceited but... mine? My world-famous Career Anxiety got me a full-time job in the first month of my senior year. Plus I absolutely killed it at my last internship and I learned a ton.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My sister's on-again-off-again boyfriend... he's awful. The administration of the student organization I had to quit. The boy I dated during the entirety of Summer 2019 -- he sucked.

14. Where did most of your money go? Starbucks and Amazon hehe

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? A couple things: Finally making progress at the gym and seeing my body change Doing a good job on my final presentation during my internship That one time I went out with my intern friends and got shitfaced and had probably the most fun I had in all of 2019 Getting into a relationship with my current boyfriend; I didn't think it would end up being a real relationship. Getting my full-time job offer in NYC (by far the most exciting)

16. What song will always remind you of 2019? Evelyn by Kim Tillman! It's my theme song and I discovered it in 2019.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier. ii. thinner or fatter? I would say bulkier. I look bigger, but I turned a lot of the "skinny fat" I had on me into muscle. iii. richer or poorer? Much richer for sure!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? LOL towards the end of 2019, I kinda let my grades fall by the wayside because I thought I had it all figured out. I wish I studied more at the end because I could've preserved my GPA and saved myself a lot of needless studying. This is out of my control but -- I wish I had a chance to drink and party more. 2019 was an almost entirely sober year... I only got really drunk once in the entire year. I think that actually contributed to how dry and sad I was for most of the year!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Listening to Ariana Grande LOL. This one is also out of my control -- I wish I spent less time alone. I spent the majority of last year sitting in my apartments at school and talking to my voice diary and trying to make sense of my personality and the reasons why I was alone. I did eventually become content with my alone time, but I wasn't really happy. I wish I had a more active social life. I also wish I spent less time with that boy over the summer. He was a waste of time.

20. How did you spend Christmas? I was at home for winter break on Christmas. I don't think I really did anything!

21. Did you fall in love in 2019? Yes! I fell in love with my current boyfriend. I also thought I loved the summer guy, but I really didn't.

22. What was the best holiday this year? Halloween! I think I had the most fun that day out of all the other holidays.

23. How many one-night stands? I don't think I had any one night stands this year! That was all 2018 me.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I don't know actually. I don't think I watched that much TV in 2019. I just binged the Good Place though, but idt that was my favorite.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My apartment-mate (not my roommate, she's great). I also hate her ex boyfriend. I also hate this toxic horrible friend I used to have. I cut her out in 2019.

26. What was the best book you read? LOL the only book I read was Tina Fey's autobiography. It was pretty good!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Again, Evelyn by Kim Tillman.

28. What did you want and get? A job. And Gymshark clothes from my parents!

29. What did you want and not get? Honestly, fun memories and a social life. Also this one first-year teaching position at my university.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Joker! (Unpopular opinion, but it's the truth!)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? At midnight on my birthday, I was having really good sex. Then I went into work and had a pretty productive day! Then at night, I had sushi with my sister.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying? If my boyfriend had gotten into nursing school. It would've been perfect. But now he has a new career and new aspirations to work towards. Maybe it's for the best and maybe he'll be happier! We'll see.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? I mean, I spent most of the year in sweatpants. I moved away from the bold makeup and the fashion choices I made in the past. But I did start buying a lot of athletic gym leggings and sports bras! My favorite Look TM of this year is my staple matching sports bra and leggings set that I wear to the gym.

34. What kept you sane? The gym, definitely. And my mom.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ariana Grande apparently LOL. Also Hanna Oberg!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Trump's impeachment. But I think that stirred everyone. (I mean it in a good way, I'm glad Trump was impeached.)

37. Who did you miss? My ex boyfriend for a brief time. I still wasn't over him in the beginning of last year. I also missed all the friends I lost. I hated them and they sucked, but at least they kept me company.

38. Who was the best new person you met? My boyfriend!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I'll tell you a couple: - Anyone can be anything. Barriers to entry are minimal, and you can end up doing something you never thought you would. - You can tell yourself you're going to go out and chase your dreams, and you can tell yourself you're running away from a stable and boring life. But you have to truly want it and believe in it for it to happen. If you don't dedicate yourself 100% to that crazy dream inside and out, you will end up opting for the backup plan. - You are your best when you're making first impressions. - Just because you're not strong enough to follow your dreams doesn't mean you should discourage other people from doing what they want to do with their life (as long as it's within reason). If someone you love is willing to put in the effort to chase a dream they believe is worth it, you should support them, even if it seems risky. Try to minimize the risk, but don't knock down the plan altogether.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Every blue moon I get convinced that I can't ever make it happen by myself. I've been awake to see the day devour the night. I've seen decay give way to growth and make the most of nearly nothing, Till human voices break us and we drown, we drown, Seductive and impeccable abuse. You do it to yourself, I bet you know you do. I love you 'cause I do it to you too.

[starbladek]

50 questions

1. What takes up too much of your time? Youtube, and working on projects

2. What makes your day better? Getting direct messages from people I care about, and also making visible tangible progress on my projects

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? Someone I care about asked if they could come over tonight

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? The world of Terraria, but like only if I could go with my friends and then leave once we’re all done with it

5. Are you good at giving advice? Probably not, I frequently feel like I’m choosing the bad dialogue choice in a telltale game when trying to convey how I feel about a person’s situation and what I believe they should do

6. Do you have a mental illness? I default to saying no until proven otherwise. Part of me thinks I’m manic bipolar to some degree, and I apparently display a lot of behaviours that would indicate I have some level of autism, but I’m gonna continue saying no until I get triaged by a professional

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Yeah, there was a shadow monster man at the foot of my bed and it was scary but not as traumatizing as I’ve heard it can be

8. What musician inspires you the most? Grant Kirkhope

9. Have you ever fallen in love? No

10. What’s your dream date? Beach, shaved ice, local coop games at home

11. What do others notice about you? My smile

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? I’m always peeling my nails. I’ve done so ever since I was a kid, and I’m pretty sure it was a nervous habit back then, but it’s become so second-nature to me that it’s just something I do now, and I can’t fathom being unable to do so

13. Do you still talk to your first love? No

14. How many exes do you have? 0

15. How many songs are in your playlist? 1118

16. What instruments can you play? I’ve taken lessons for both guitar and drums, but I hated both and never tried any instrument since

17. What do you have the most pictures of? Shiba Inus, because a couple years ago I got an inflated sense of self-identify by being the “shibe” person, and in order to hold that title, I had to accrue as many pictures of them as possible

18. Where would you like to go before you die? Top of mount whitney again

19. What’s your zodiac? Scorpio

20. Do you relate to it? iirc they’re known for being chaotic neutral, so yeah

21. What is happiness to you? Receiving confirmation that my friends still like me, which is usually through the act of directly messaging me, or mentioning me in a GC or something. Also making progress/completing personal projects, and receiving validation from friends/strangers that I’m not wasting my time working on them

22. Are you going through anything right now? As a post-grad NEET, I’m very anxious over my ability to get a job doing what I like. And also I lost some really close friends recently

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? I asked someone something personal once and they said yes, and it lead to the slowest, most agonizing burn of a close friendship I’d ever experienced. If I didn’t ask that one question, if I didn’t compound those ten syllables, if I didn’t make the choice to take three seconds and ask the question, I feel like I’d be in a tremendously different spot with my friends. Also trying to pretend to be someone else in high school to appeal to someone I had a huge crush on. Also not getting an internship in college. Also-

24. What’s your favorite store? Target

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? Pro choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no

27. Do you have a favorite album? Sonic Firestorm by Dragonforce

28. What do you want for your birthday? Shelves and sand, and anything that’s like handcrafted and made with care

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? Pleasant, talkative, sometimes intrusive

30. What age do you seem according to most people? 21

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? Directly next to my head, so that my alarm may rupture my eardrums and I won’t disappoint whomever I’m meeting up with

32. What word do you say the most? rad

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 28

34. What’s the youngest you would date? 20

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? Game developer presumably, because that’s what I spend most of my time doing

36. What’s your favorite music genre? Happy hardcore

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? Somewhere with pretty landscapes, lots of mountains

38. What is your current favorite song? Techno Kitty ft. Sara

39. How long have you had this blog for? Since 2012

40. What are you excited for? Friday because I’m going to a bonfire, Banjo Kazooie in smash, the prospect of one day finishing my projects, L4D3

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Talker. Being put in a dedicated listening position gives me a lot of anxiety because I’ve frequently had experiences with close friends where I didn’t commit something they said to memory, and they got mad at me later for it. I think I talk a lot more than I should in order to avoid being in a position where my friends are expecting me to commit their facts to memory, and I could potentially fail to do so and disappoint them. I still try my best if I’m but in a dedicated listening position though

42. What was the last productive thing you did? Worked on Big Bill

43. What do you want for Christmas? Things that can’t be bought in a store

44. What class do you get the best grades in? Like, objectively the art classes because they literally can’t give you anything less than a 100% as long as you exert effort in the projects, regardless of how shitty the end product is

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 8/10, very minor headache but I’ve got a full day ahead of me for working on stuff and playing local coop games with someone coming over later

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? Either jumping from position to position within the software development industry, barely riding off of whatever financial float I accrued from the position prior, or working as a janitor at a mall

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Idk when my first was, but my most recent one was when I asked that personal question to a close friend and it lead to our relationship slowly burning away over the course of four months

48. What age do you want to get married? Sometime before either of my parents die

49. What career did you want to have as a child? When I was 8 I wanted to be a mechanic for some reason

50. What do you crave right now? An icee

[i-breathe-therefore-i-read]

Beautiful Bastard Series by Christina Lauren

An ambitious intern. A perfectionist executive. And a whole lot of name calling. Whip-smart, hardworking, and on her way to an MBA, Chloe Mills has only one problem: her boss, Bennett Ryan. He's exacting, blunt, inconsiderate—and completely irresistible. A Beautiful Bastard. Bennett has returned to Chicago from France to take a vital role in his family's massive media business. He never expected that the assistant who'd been helping him from abroad was the gorgeous, innocently provocative—completely infuriating—creature he now has to see every day. Despite the rumors, he's never been one for a workplace hookup. But Chloe's so tempting he's willing to bend the rules—or outright smash them—if it means he can have her. All over the office. As their appetites for one another increase to a breaking point, Bennett and Chloe must decide exactly what they're willing to lose in order to win each other.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 6/19

It’s so trashy and a bad representation of how a relationship works but I couldn’t stop reading it. I was addicted to it. lol

There was definitely some things Bennett did, I was not okay with. He’s the type  of man I want to stay far away from. Chloe doesn’t put up with his BS so I guess that’s why they work. It’a such a weird relationship. I mean there was cute moments between them but mostly it was just mainly panty ripping sex. What’s up with that fetish anyway? Cute underwear is expensive and I would be pissed if someone kept doing that!

I liked how it ended. Their relationship was a lot better than how it started. 

Just when Chloe’s career starts to take off, Bennett wishes it would all slow down long enough to spend a wild night alone with his girlfriend. But after he refuses to take no for an answer, Chloe and Bennett find themselves with two plane tickets, one French Villa, and a surprising conversation that, predictably, leaves them wrestling under the covers. 

*What I thought: 3 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I thought this was just okay. Honestly I wished I didn't buy it or read it because I don't think it added more to the characters. I did like it showed a glimpse of Max.

Escaping a cheating ex, finance whiz Sara Dillon’s moved to New York City and is looking for excitement and passion without a lot of strings attached. So meeting the irresistible, sexy Brit at a dance club should have meant nothing more than a night’s fun. But the manner—and speed—with which he melts her inhibitions turns him from a one-time hookup and into her Beautiful Stranger. The whole city knows that Max Stella loves women, not that he’s ever found one he particularly wants to keep around. Despite pulling in plenty with his Wall Street bad boy charm, it’s not until Sara—and the wild photos she lets him take of her—that he starts wondering if there’s someone for him outside of the bedroom. Hooking up in places where anybody could catch them, the only thing scarier for Sara than getting caught in public is having Max get too close in private.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I didn’t think anybody could top an underwear fetish but boy was I wrong! Max and Sara were some exhibitionists! I liked Sara’s whole mentality of just having fun because her ex-fiancee was a douche canoe. I loved the moment when Sara realized that he wasn’t a stranger that’ll she’ll never see again. lol

I really liked Max. He was a perfect match for her kinkiness. lol I like that it was Max that was pursuing for more unlike most stories it’s the girl. 

Overall I like the growth of both the characters and their relationship. The only thing that I didn't like was how come password protection was not put on devices?!? Private things wouldn’t have gotten out!! Gah the embarrassment! lol

When Max, Henry, and Will steal Bennett away for a weekend of shenanigans and strippers in Vegas, the first stop of the night doesn’t go at all as planned. With their scheme for a Guys Weekend completely derailed anyway, Max and Bennett begin to play a wild game of stealth and secrecy in order to have their bombshells all over Sin City.

*What I thought: 4.5 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I really liked reading their shenanigans in Vegas. Bennett and Max were hilarious with trying to sneak out to find their ladies to have some fun. ;)

A bombshell bookworm. A chronic Casanova. And a lesson in chemistry too scandalous for school. When Hanna Bergstrom receives a lecture from her overprotective brother about neglecting her social life and burying herself in grad school, she’s determined to tackle his implied assignment: get out, make friends, start dating. And who better to turn her into the sultry siren every man wants than her brother’s gorgeous best friend, Will Sumner, venture capitalist and unapologetic playboy? Will takes risks for a living, but he’s skeptical about this challenge of Hanna’s…until the wild night his innocently seductive pupil tempts him into bed- and teaches him a thing or two about being with a woman he can’t forget. Now that Hanna’s discovered the power of her own sex appeal, it’s up to Will to prove he’s the only man she’ll ever need.

*What I thought: 5 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

So far this is my favorite one! I absolutely loved Hanna and Will. I loved Hanna’s blunt, no filter personality. There was so many things she just spouted out that had my eyes bugging out. I laughed so much at what came out of her mouth lol. I loved how much she tried to do things she normally wouldn’t have.

I couldn’t wait to read about Will because in the past books, he wasn’t really in it. Just little bits. So I was super excited to see how he works. I liked that he wasn’t a complete man whore like his buddies were. He’s a schedule man which I never heard of.

I really loved reading how their relationship blossomed from his best buddy’s kid sister until them getting all hot and heavy. I laughed when Hanna’s family became suspicious of their relationship by calling her by her name and not her nickname. lol

Overall, two thumbs up.

An exasperated bride who just wants to elope. A determined groom whose only focus is getting to the wedding night. And—of course—a whole lot of name calling.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I liked it though Bennett and Chloe are my least favorite of the couples so far. They’re just too intense and angry for my romantic heart lol. I like the shenanigans with Chloe’s aunts lol. I’m so glad I don’t have any ladies like that in my family lol. I laughed so much with what Bennett told them to do. Now after reading this....I really need a story with just George. He’s probably my favorite minor character in any book. He’s so hilarious and I want him to have something too! Whenever he’s in the scene, I wished there was more of him. Give my George!

When Ruby Miller’s boss announces he’s sending her on an extended business trip to New York City, she’s shocked. As one of the best and brightest young engineers in London, she knows she’s professionally up to the task. The part that’s throwing her is where she’ll be spending a month up close and personal working alongside—and staying in a hotel with—Niall Stella, her firm’s top urban planning executive and The Hottest Man Alive. Despite her ongoing crush, Ruby is certain Niall barely knows she’s alive…until their flirty overnight flight makes him sit up and take notice. Not one for letting loose and breaking rules, recently divorced Niall would describe himself as hopeless when it comes to women. But even he knows outgoing California-girl Ruby is a breath of fresh air. Once she makes it her mission to help the sexy Brit loosen his tie, there’s no turning back. Thousands of miles from London, it’s easy for the lovers to play pretend. But when the trip is over, will the relationship they’ve built up fall down?

*What I thought: 3.5 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I really liked that Niall was the least experienced out of all the boys in the series. Kinda refreshing when the main guy in the story isn’t a playboy. Every time I read stories of men getting around, all I think of is that they're walking std’s. lol

While I liked Ruby, I also got weirded out on how obsessive she was towards Niall. It got awkward at times. I like how she’s understanding with how Niall is because his ex-wife messed with his head but then at times, she’s pushing for more than he is ready for. Like girl we know you’ve married him in your mind since meeting him and writing his name in your notebook but give the man some time to come to terms with a failed relationship he had for half of his life! 

Completely off topic but why do most romance stories the couples never wear condoms? Like most of these couples in this series seem like they never heard of them or they mention I’ve never done this before with others but want to with their partner. I guess that’s how we know ‘it’s true luv 4ever’ 🙄

One Player tamed. One nerd girl satisfied. And one more major life decision to make. When Will fell for Hanna, her quirky sense of humor and fierce dedication to her career were part of the attraction. (Not to mention her coy newbie attitude toward sex and her willingness to let him teach her everything.) But when the job offers start rolling in for her—and oh, they do—Hanna has trouble deciding what she wants, where they should live, and how much she should burden Will with the decision. Magic between the sheets is only one part of a relationship...getting on the same page is quite another altogether.

*What I thought: 2 out of 5 stars

read: 7/19

I was a little disappointed with this because I love Will and Hanna. I really liked the beginning with them getting married but quickly got bored with reading about Hanna being indecisive with where she wants to work at. I ended up skimming the book.

Oh wait, there was a one scene where the group all drinks together and there was this one part with George getting a kiss he’ll remember forever, that was the best. lol

[singingunderthecurtain]

Equivocal - III [FINAL]

Author: @loeyeolty​ AU: Non-Idol Genre: Angst Pairing: Suho x Reader Trigger Warning: Cheating, Mentions of Smut in Future Chapters Word Count: 2,349

Plot: Equivocate - the use of ambiguous language so as to conceal the truth.

“Hey, are you okay?” A bespectacled passerby pulls you to the side of the road, while the driver of the car that almost ran you over keeps screaming profanities as they pass by.

“Go easy, miss. You almost got hit by the car.”

Your face was flushed, desperate for help, “Please help me. Robbers got into my car,”

From your viewpoint, Jongdae had already taken off his white t-shirt, throwing it onto the dashboard, before taking over the fucking skank.

“Oh shit. Let me borrow your keys,” he presses a certain button which triggers the alarm in your car.

The sound of the wailing sirens startled the impudent fucking couple, Jongdae rushes out immediately in his half-naked state. Soojin hurriedly opens the side of the door, exposing her breasts onto the street.

The man behind you claps in laughter, “should we call 119?”

“No need, thank you, mister. What’s your name, by the way?”

“I’m Junmyeon. We are both wearing pink. Chanyeol’s wedding? See you...” The man walks away towards the wedding area.

You followed the mysterious guy who helped you, he sits in the farthest corner of the reception.

He looks at you above his glasses, pouring red wine. “Bride’s side, her longtime childhood sweetheart.”

He explains himself, pausing, waiting for an explanation from you.

“Groom’s side. My now ex-boyfriend is a friend of the groom.” You put much emphasis on the now.

“I’m no stranger to the situation. I actually caught the bride and her soon-to-be groom, fucking, in my car. Welcome to the dark side, honey.” He downs his whole glass of wine.

“Really?” You were flabbergasted with how much this man was relatable.

“Not really. We did not even break up, we simply lost touch. Now she’s getting married. I just said what I thought happened to you. It wasn’t a robbery, right?”

“You’re smart.” You took the bottle of wine and chugged directly from it. But Mr. Junmyeon takes it out of your hands.

“Please just let me be!” You pleaded.

“No. If you can, talk to your boyfriend right now.” He points at the now fully clothed Jongdae, standing by the door. A disheveled Hyojin runs after him, barefoot with both stilettos on hand.

“I don’t think I can!”

“You know why I’m here in the wedding?”

“Because you like pain? A masochist?” Come to think of it, why would he want to watch his ex’s wedding?

“Because I did not have any closure. At least now I know, she’s really not the one for me. Now go! Set things straight, and then I’ll give you wine.”

Is this stranger really bribing you with… Alcohol?

With a brave front, you approached Jongdae.

“Oh baby,” he smoothens the creases on his coat, “the car had problems. I’m glad Hyojin was able to help–”

“Stop lying to me. Jongdae, I know you have been fucking this… This… This thing!!!” you glared at Hyojin from head to toe, as she was still fixing her bra.

“No, baby, what gives?”

Hyojin discretely tries to walk away, but you grab her arm.

“Tell me, Hyojin...”

“He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend!” Hyojin hisses at Jongdae.

“To be fair, I should be out of this situation. Jongdae, you lied to me!” Hyojin wiggles herself out of your control and starts ushering more wedding guests.

Jongdae refuses to meet your eyes, he fumbles at the hem of his suit in anxious guilt.

“You aren’t even sorry?”

He remains silent.

“I hate myself, Y/N. I hate myself.”

“That’s your excuse?”

He looks away.

“She was the one who started it,” his voice cracks, without a hint of guilt, “I told her to stay away but...”

“But?”

“Can we put these behind, and start over? I need you, Y/N.” the nerve of Jongdae to grab your hands and place them on his chest, where that woman’s hand have been.

His eyes were sincere, and slowly you were falling to his charms again.

“I learned, after today, that you are the only one for me…”

You roll your eyes.

“So how did it go?” Junmyeon stands up, as you walked back to him.

“He seemed sorry. People make mistakes so...”

“Well, between you and me… I’m so stupid, going to this wedding hoping that once she sees my face, she’ll change her mind.”

Although Junmyeon helped you, you laughed deep inside at the pathetic state he was in.

For them, they lost contact, and proximity is love. As for yourself, it seems that Jongdae has learned his lesson, he chose to stick with you. Right? Right?!?!

—  —  —  —  —  

You didn’t have the heart to kick him out, not until after he made you your fave breakfast: sausage and scrambled eggs.

Not until after he started bringing you to and from work again.

Jongdae was back.

He was always home.

He was always horny.

He was almost…

Too fishy.

Perhaps it’s the lack of trust from his Hyojin incident, but you never really felt comfortable with him afterward.

Whenever Jongdae would go out, you felt like he would leave you forever, to fuck another random girl on the streets.

You loved him, but you were left miserable to your own devices.

It was your birth month, and while rage cleaning the apartment, you stumbled upon two musical tickets on his desk.

You loved musicals. It was your secret joy but you never get to watch them since Jongdae prefers sexual activities rather than romantic dates.

Nanta, May 19, 8pm. You giddily memorized the details on the ticket and made a  mental reminder to yourself to act surprised once he whips them out.

That night, you felt like giving him an extra hug, cuddling him under the sheets.

“Jongdae, have I ever told you I like musicals?”

“Not really,” his reply was lackluster, sounding bored.

“Would you watch a musical with me, or should I tag a gal friend along instead? I really want to watch Nanta.” You weren’t even subtle.

“Hmm..” and he doses off.

The audacity.

May 19 came. Your birthday. No surprises. Just “Hey I need to go to Chanyeol’s, his wife is giving birth so...”

“Are you live streaming her birth? The hell why you need to be there?”

“No, but we give bro-ral support.”

Not believing Jongdae, you rush to the same hospital where apparently Chanyeol would be expecting his child. True enough, the front desk directs you to the 7th floor.

“Congratulations Chanyeol, but are you sure Jongdae didn’t pass by?”

“Yeah, he didn’t. Didn’t you come together?”

Deja vu hits you.

The three of you were alone in the hospital room, Chanyeol, his wife and you,

It would be awkward to stay any longer.

As soon as you were about to leave them, the door swings open. A familiar faced, bespectacled man, in a white coat, enters.

“Hi, I’m going to check on the mother–”

“Junmyeon?!”

“Oh… Hi!” He waves back at you. But he does not seem to recall your name. Then again you never introduced yourself to him back then, did you?

You waited for him outside the room, grabbing onto his arm as soon as he got out. “Doctor Junmyeon?”

“Yes, Miss. Who stole your car again this time?”

“You never told me you were a doctor. Your ex’s doctor, to boot.”

“I am very professional.”

“I should have listened to you, doctor.”

—  —  —  —  —

“Now he’s probably watching Nanta with some scum of the earth,” you wept. Junmyeon massages the sides of his temples, sighing.

“Why aren’t you saying anything, Doctor?”

“It’s because I’m stupid too. Can you believe I delivered my ex’s child?”

“We’re both stupid, aren’t we?”

You weren’t expecting this but, “Let’s be stupid together?” ended up the two of you grabbing drinks in some shady bar in the Rodeo drive

Spilling sorrows, him making jokes ‘The only time I saw her pussy was when she fucking gave birth to another man’s child.’, which you find inexplicably hysterical.

“What? I’m an ob-gyn, I see lots of pussies all the time, whether I like it or not?”

“Jongdae is not even an ob-gyn yet he sees lots of pussies too, whether I like it or not.” You jokingly self-depreciated your own situation.

Junmyeon turns quiet after all the pussy talk. “Well, we should probably get going. I had fun, Y/N. Take care going home.”

You could not explain how rejected you felt when he abruptly wanted to cut short your drinking session. Were you boring him out? Were you making him awkward? He walks you to your car as the driver you hired waits, his body hanging onto your passenger door.

As soon as you climbed into the passenger’s seat.

Without his glasses, Dr. Junmyeon actually looks cute. He’s too pretty for your type, though.

“Text me when you get home. Be safe.”

By some weird motion, he moves in and kisses your cheek.

“Junmyeon,” you were taken aback by the abruptness of his actions, and so was he.

“I’m closing the door!” He slams it immediately and walks away.

—  —  —  —  —

Your head swirled in confusion from what just happened. Jongdae had not returned home yet, but he managed to text you “Hey her labor is taking long. Will stay here overnight.” Which you immediately categorized as bullshit, because you went there. He was not there.

As for Junmyeon, why did he kiss you?

You texted Junmyeon.

You: sorry late text. I got home a while ago, took a shower, now I’m off to sleep. Tnx for 2night.

Junmyeon: I needed you tonight.

Junmyeon: No… Fuck.

Junmyeon: I mean I needed someone to talk to tonight, coz you know, ex-issues

Junmyeon: so thank you too

You: actually, I needed you too tonight.

You: I mean, I needed someone to talk to tonight, coz you know, asshole Jongdae issues

Junmyeon: Guess we do need each other then...

—  —  —  —  —

The next day, you get another text from Dr. Junmyeon

Junmyeon: come to my office, quick.

You: why?

Jm: I can’t really tell why it's complicated. Please wait outside my office in an hour.

JM: oh if anyone asks why you’re in my clinic, just say you have an appointment

You: Doctor, this isn’t a surprise checkup, is it? :P

Junmyeon didn’t reply. How awkward, your joke was unanswered. But seriously, you were on all levels of confused. He’s not gonna ask you to spread your legs, just because he’s a doctor right? Not that you mind at all... He’s cute after all. But you like, rough-looking men, Y/N. Like Jongdae. Rough men who give you a hard time. Junmyeon is too clean cut for you.

Nevertheless, the irony of it all, you chose a sunflower, sleeveless printed dress which flowed beautifully down your ankles. This isn’t a date. You kept reminding yourself.

You: Hey, I’m here.

You text him promptly upon arriving outside his office. His assistant, who introduced himself as Baekhyun, leads you to sit on the benches.

JM: Yes, I’ll be out in a second.

The moment the doors swung, your heart pitter-pattered. What’s wrong with you, Y/N? You expecting the same bespectacled man in his white coat, but instead.

It’s Jongdae.

Hand in hand.

With Hyojin.

“Jongdae!!!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. The two of them froze on the spot, Hyojin flinging away Jongdae’s grasp, holding onto her prominent tummy instead.

“Baby, What are you doing here?” Jongdae’s face panicked for a second but immediately reverted back to a relaxed stance. He’s so fucking good at lying you wanted to punch him right then and there.

“No. What are you TWO doing here?”

“I went to visit Chanyeol, then I bumped into Hyojin. What a coincidence right?”

“I thought you changed Jongdae,” hot tears rolled down your eyes, your chest twisted in knots in imploding pain.

“Babe I–” Jongdae runs after you, as you ran away from him.

Words could not find you now, all you wanted was to run away, forget this ever happened.

Jongdae keeps calling your name, his voice was still audible down the hall.

You felt his hand on your shoulder, forcing you to turn around.

He said your name, out of breath. You could not even bring yourself to open your eyes to his face. His stupid lying face.

He said your name again as he shook you with both hands, to which you played dead.

“Jongdae, we have nothing to discuss. I fucking hate you. You betrayed me.”

“It’s me.”

You peered open your eyes and found Junmyeon, inches away from you, the look of worry written all over his face.

“I’m sorry you had to see all of this. I was just planning on telling you but they went ahead of me–”

Someone screamed your name, looking to your right, Jongdae was catching his breath, panting to your side. Jongdae’s eyes slide to the doctor who was taking a protective position on you, with his hands on your shoulder. “Dr. Junmyeon? Y/N, who is this man to you?!” he judges Junmyeon from head to toe, brows furrowed.

“It’s none of your business, asshole.” You nodded at Junmyeon, taking his hand, walking away.

—  —  —  —  —

“Are you sure you are ready to throw away all of this?” Junmyeon stares at the trash bag, waiting by the door.

“Yup. Actually, I have always had my reservations against him. After finding out he cheated before. Believe it or not, I was sure this day was to happen.” You wiped stray tears down your cheek. As much as you tried to mentally cheer yourself up, it still hurt.

“Thanks for helping me clear out the trash, Junmyeon.”

“But I still haven’t cleared out the trash in my own flat.” He chuckles at the irony of things. “Well, I better get going, it’s getting late… So...”

With both hands on his cheeks, you gave him a kiss. Junmyeon slowly re-opens his eyes, a smile creeping up on his face.

“It’s late. You can stay here, you know.”

—END—

Aikie Masterlist | Michiko Masterlist | FIC RECS | FIC REC SIDEBLOG

[unactive-1d]

my favourite fics in ao3

Ziam

Ninety-Eight Percent

“This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Niall chokes out, actual tears welling in his eyes. Liam hates him. A lot.

“This website is bullshit,” Liam grumbles. “Niall this can’t be real. How am I ninety-eight percent compatible with Louis Tomlinson?”

--

In which Louis is Liam's soulmate and Liam is really not amused.

Ziam Twitcam

The fans want some real life Ziam action

As He Moves

Zayn thought he wanted to know where Liam worked. Apparently he thought wrong.

Only Place I Call Home

Liam works at a coffee shop; Zayn is a homeless street performer who plays just outside the shop. Sometimes Liam brings Zayn coffee and donuts and in exchange Zayn sings for him.

Wrong Side of Love

Zayn and Liam wake up in each other's bodies.

Burning Away From Inside

They're a little too dysfunctional to be considered superheroes, but they do their best.

Connected

Fed up with Zayn and Liam skirting around how they feel about each other, the rest of the band devise a plan to get them to own up to their feelings.

(Or, Zayn and Liam are oblivious and annoying, the rest of the band can't handle it anymore, and handcuffs were probably not intended to be used this way.)

What We Become

“Nervous?”

“No.”

“It’s okay if you are,” Harry says seriously. “I mean, I know I would be. Like, if there was ever a date that was destined to go bad, it’s probably this one. Werewolf goes on date with the son of a werewolf hunter, who’s also training to be a werewolf hunter when he’s older, while another pack of werewolves are practically massacring the town, and no one has no idea how to stop them. It's not a question of what could go wrong. It's a question of what could possibly go right, and I'm willing to bet the answer to that is nothing."

Floating On The Water

Liam just wants to get through his last summer working at Malik Resort before University without incident. Of course, life is never that easy, and he ends up getting roped into giving the bosses son, Zayn, swimming lessons. That wouldn't be so bad, if Zayn didn't happen to hate him so much.

Tunnel Vision

In which Zayn is an award-winning popstar with a knack for getting himself in trouble, and Liam is the bodyguard he didn’t want to hire who has a few problems with staying professional.

Not Happening

Zayn and Liam are roommates. They hate each other. (Most of the time.)

Lover Dearest

"First rule, babe," Zayn says, leaning down. His lips slide over Liam's jaw, barely there, just a soft pressure, fleeting and gone as soon as it came. "Never trust a vampire."

He's grinning as he climbs off Liam, heading for the door. Liam watches him go, thinking that he's wrong. The first rule should be to not fall in love with one.

Larry

Learning to Eat

Celebrity chef Louis Tomlinson has a problem. He’s opening his first restaurant in 9 weeks, and he has yet to hire a pastry chef- apparently people think he’s ‘standoffish’ and ‘rude’ and ‘quick to temper’. Whatever. He ends up saddled with an annoying, happy-go lucky rookie who also happens to be obnoxiously good looking. His tv presenter and pop star best friends only add to the drama, and for fucks sake would everyone please stop quoting Julia Child?!

Kitchen AU where Harry helps Louis re-learn how to eat. (METAPHORICALLY)

we are honey and the bee

It isn’t his fault though, it is entirely the fault of whichever gods thought it would be a good idea to taunt Louis by dangling a curly haired boy in front of him with a mouth that can’t possibly be as soft as it looks, a mouth that requires further inspection with Louis’ own mouth. Unfortunately, Louis absolutely cannot do that, because it would go against all rules and guidelines in the Golden Handbook of Nanny and Employee Etiquette that he’s pretty sure exists.

au where harry plays rugby at uni, louis needs to hire a nanny, and life is one big cliche.

Turning From Praise (Punk!Harry Christian!Louis)

Louis has had a strict Christian upbringing that he never realized he resented until he meets Harry Styles, a boy who lives to rebel and doesn’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. But the better he gets to know Harry, the more he begins to realize that maybe Harry does care. And maybe “the children who God forgot” are closer to God than the devout will ever be.

if you need a loving hand

Harry and Louis are just two friends who bought a coffee shop and went into business together. They definitely probably do not have feelings for each other.

Follow Me Down This Time

Harry first noticed Louis in his second term at Hogwarts, and despite three years of inventing ways to stumble across Louis, he's never managed to actually work up the courage to speak to him. Also known as, self-indulgent Hogwarts AU, because every fandom needs Hogwarts AUs.

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky

Louis smiles in the smuggest, most infuriating way, like he knows every thought filtering through Harry’s mind. He probably does.

“I thought you were a student, yeah,” Louis says, voice quieter now, leaving Harry to lean over the baluster somewhat to hear. “But I hoped you weren't.”

(or, Harry Potter AU where Harry takes a teaching post at Hogwarts and gets a little more than he expected when he meets the fit Transfiguration professor, Louis, who looks oddly familiar... Featuring Messrs. Horan, Malik, and Payne as well, along with some familiar faces from the HPverse)

At Least We're Breathing

(Just another mental institution fic!)

Fairly quickly, it becomes obvious to Harry why almost all of them are there; Liam can't control how much he eats-and then can't keep it down-. Niall doesn't talk, Harry himself has tried to end his own life, and Zayn isn't always...Zayn.

Then there's Louis, who no one really knows what he's in for, and Harry isn't even sure he belongs, but maybe he's glad he's there anyway.

Take A Bite Outta Me

Louis truly resents the implication that he is basically Harry’s own version of Bella goddamn Swan, because seriously, no. Just no. But the issue is that even this stupid Meyeresque revelation has done absolutely nothing to dampen his attraction to this weirdly charming vampire man who dresses in 8000 pound coats and hangs around in dilapidated buildings with his merry band of ethical bloodsuckers.

Louis is a slightly inept vampire hunter. Harry is a slightly unique vampire. They meet

Lego House

Louis didn't know what to think when he woke up with a needle in his arm and an unconscious man across the room. He didn't know what to think when he could hear everything. He didn't know what to think when he picked up four boys on his way out. Maybe, just maybe, they could get away.

or where Louis has heightened senses, Harry is basically a shape shifter, Liam can manipulate the air, Zayn can influence people's emotions, and Niall has healing powers. And crazy stuff happens as they wander through the woods.

Title is "Lego House" by Ed Sheeran

Two To Rule

Prince Louis is an intellectual interested in philosophy and human interaction; Prince Harry feeds off of power and wealth because it's all he's been raised to yearn for. Their arranged marriage will be the downfall of them both.

In Dreams

AU. When Harry moves to a new city, his new flat come with a number of sweet, anonymous gifts and surprises that brighten his days. Could it be a friendly ghost? Another friendly presence in his new building is his tattooed neighbor, Louis, who seems determined to put a smile back on his face.

yellow lamps on blackened skies

Louis is the best baker in his apartment building until his new neighbour shows up and threatens his position (and his dignity). It turns out that actually, he might have a competitive streak.

Like Master, Like Pet

In which Louis's cat apparently wants to date Harry's frog, intense studying of eyebrows is a thing, pillows can turn into flamingos, and a lot of really lame-ass jokes are made.

feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream

“Alright, alright. No need to bite,” Harry says, holding his hands above his head in a general gesture of surrender.

Louis quirks an eyebrow and his foot nudges Harry’s as he moves to sit straight. “If that’s what you think biting is, you’ve got another thing coming, Styles.”

Harry blinks at him before he feels his face flush and inside the marrows of his bones there’s pulses of heat, pulses of fire spreading through him. “Is that a threat, your Highness?”

“That’s a promise,” Louis answers just as the car halts to a stop. “One I intend to keep.”

Harry is a journalist with a lot of secrets and Louis is the future king of the United Kingdom; they live together for 60 days.

With the Rising Sun

This idea bloomed after seeing a post of 19-year-old Harry with a picture of younger Louis and I just really wanted to make something where Harry was older.

Louis had been living in NYC for two years now while studying at NYU, and was probably the least social 21-year-old ever. Somehow he got roped into his sister's brilliant idea of getting her college best friend to help him branch out and meet people. Only there was one problem — Harry Styles is like the hottest thing on two legs and Louis' not ready to see a much older version of the boy who filled his fantasies as a teenager.

the value of this moment lives in metaphor

Louis and Harry are best friends and absolutely nothing more. It’s a bit strange that, suddenly, everyone thinks they’re dating.

Or the one where they’re all teachers at a high school and students are more invested in their lives than normally expected.

Baby Heaven's in your Eyes

They couldn’t be more different if they tried. Louis Tomlinson is 17 years old and in his last year of the most prestigious private school in Doncaster. If there’s one thing that completely annoys him, it’s that there is a poor community college right across the street.

Harry Styles is 19 years old, and (once again) in his last year of college. He goes to community college in Doncaster. He never shows up to classes and if he actually bothers to, he’s either high or drunk; sometimes both. His skin is littered with tattoos and if there’s one thing he absolutely hates, it’s the snobby students attending the private school right across from his.

Or a sixth form!AU where Harry is the fucked up bad boy with too many problems, Louis is the perfect rich boy with too much money and their schools are right across from each other. They meet at a party and that’s the last (and maybe the only) thing they need.

put the stars in our eyes

Louis goes to bed having ordered a nineteen year-old husband.

Louis is set to inherit the family farm after the death of his father, but after finding out that he needs to be married in order to do so, purchasing a nineteen year-old, mail-order husband named Harry Styles seems to be the easiest answer.

Zouis

Bruised

Louis accidentally gives Zayn a black eye and it sets off the weirdest year of his life. Set in New Jersey.

Chéri

growing up AU: In which Louis lives far away, but visits every winter; and Zayn falls just a bit more in love each year.

like any real love it's ever-changing

"Do you think if I repeat 'this isn't happening' for long enough it'll make it true?" Louis asks.

The cat—Zayn—moves its tail. Louis doesn't know what that means.

"I have no idea what that means," Louis says.

Zayn turns into a cat. Louis figures some things out.

if not the happiest, surely the luckiest

AU. reform boarding school for the obscenely wealthy, essentially. zayn is new and louis is hot shit.

high hopes

i know it's crazy to believe in silly things, but it's not that easy

[medamoiselle-blog]

2017 in Review

I read mdA’s year in review and wanted to use her template to reflect on my year, too. 

1 - What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Hung out with a group of friends and slept over without worrying about all the studying I’d have to do that weekend, went to a classmate’s/friend’s wedding, signed up to take Step 1 (omgomgomg), went through a messy break up, traveled to Europe by myself, rode on a train for the first time! (which actually took 6 hours instead of 4 because something was wrong with the train and they had to fix it halfway through the journey), killed a spider, read Lolita, went on a vacation for Spring Break, completed a project and wrote a research manuscript from start to finish, went to the Weeknd’s concert!  2 - Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I dont remember if I made any resolutions last year...I usually don’t. But, for this year, I am going to continue doing what I have learned to do these past few months: 

1) focus on myself more (my health, my fitness, my happiness) 

2) get rid of toxic people and distractions in my life 

3) study for and do well on boards 

4) No more social media until after boards 

3 - Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4 - Did anyone close to you die?

No. 

5 - What countries did you visit?

Some European countries, Mexico, Japan.

6 - What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Better, more supportive friends. I used to hang out with a group of gunners (they literally wouldnt share resources because they ‘dont want other people to do well on boards’ and didnt understand why that was upsetting to me). I distanced myself and I’ve been happier.  7 - What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 14th, went on a spontaneous quick trip to Japan mid semester and learned most of renal phys on the 15hr plane rides to and from Tokyo. Stayed at the Disney resort and had a magical time. 

8 - What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Taking care of my mental health, getting to know myself better, submitting my manuscript for publication. This year was full of ups and downs and many firsts, so I’ve learned a lot and have gained experiences that I value very much. That’s an accomplishment to me.

9 - What was your biggest failure?

I stopped running a few months ago, but I plan on getting back into it before this semester starts!  10 - Did you suffer illness or injury?

Thankfully, nothing serious.  11 - What was the best thing you bought?

I bought myself a ring and I absolutely love it! I love the way it looks on my finger and like wearing it. 

As for practical things, I bough an iPad Pro and now that’s all I use to take notes, study, etc. I don’t use paper anymore and it’s really nice to have all my material in one place.  12 - Whose behavior merited celebration?

All of the women and men who shared their stories using #MeToo. My parents for putting up with me and taking care of me when I visit, physically and mentally tired. The one student in our class who shared his struggles with suicide and depression in an effort to help others.  13 - Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

a lot of politicians...people trying to take away net neutrality, Trump and his tweets, the ex who told me [after we’d talked about doing residencies in the same hospital and how many children we wanted, etc.] that he wouldnt be introducing me to his parents or be able to marry me because I wasn't Egyptian and his mom wouldnt approve [Boy, bye], the mom who tried to exploit money using a bullying video.

14 - Where did most of your money go?

BOARDS. Who knew it was so expensive to schedule board exams...*le sigh* Also, a lot of money spent on resources...*le cry*

15 - What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I woke up to the first snow of the season and I could not contain myself!  16 - What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

The Weeknd-Staryboy  17 - Compared to this time last year, are you: I. Happier or sadder?

A little bit of both...sadder and more stressed in some ways, but happier and more content in other ways. Overall, I’m in a good place. 

II. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner.

III. Richer or poorer?

Poorer. 

18 - What do you wish you’d done more of?

More dancing. 

19 - What do you wish you’d done less of?

Social media.  20 - How will you be spending/spent christmas?

Hung out, made and ate xmas dinner, and enjoyed great company <3 

21 - Did you fall in love in 2017?

No, i thought I did at some point tho.  22 - How many one-night stands?

1

23 - What was your favorite tv program?

The Blacklist. 

24 - Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yeah.  25 - What was the best book you read?

Both Nejma and Salt by Nayyirah Waheed were great reads.  26 - What was your greatest musical discovery?

Dua Lipa.  27 - What did you want and get?

A ring, cute Timberland boots, an iPad Pro w an apple pen, an A in neuro (neuro is our most difficult system, it’s a 6 credit hr course with a lab, and I was scared to take it. But, i ended up really liking it!) 28 - What was your favorite film of this year?

I haven't been to the movies in years. I prefer Netflix/Amazon prime and watching from the comfort of my bed/couch. 

29 - What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Turned 23. I studied for an exam, but got to celebrate with my family 2 weeks later. Lots of good food and cake!  30 - What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I had the wisdom I have today at the beginning of this year (2017) haha 

If people were kinder to each other. 

31 - How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

scrubs 90% of the time. business casual or professional 5% of the time. Leggings, sweaters, sundresses, boots/heels, long dresses, etc. 5% of the time.  32 - What kept you sane?

family, Netflix shows, shopping, traveling.  33 - Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Pietro Boselli *heart eyes*

34 - What political/social issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare equality, DACA/immigration issues, net neutrality

^ Im going to keep MdA’s answer because yes!! 35 - Who did you miss?

My maternal grandmother who's been dead for 6-7 years now, but I still think of her some times. Also, my best friend who’s moved to another state for grad school.  36 - Who was the best new person you met?

I became closer to someone in my class this past year and I love hanging out with her. She is always so cheerful and optimistic. I love that about her. 

37 - Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

Trust your intuition and don’t settle. 

[sportsfunfacts]

Am about to share you some facts and quotes that I have gained from this popular player called Ronaldo. 

          Ronaldo profile and his achievement

Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro GOIH ComM is a Portuguese professional footballer who plays as a forward for Serie A club Juventus and captains the Portugal national team. Wikipedia

Born: 5 February 1985 (age 35 years), Hospital Dr. Nélio Mendonça, Funchal, Portugal

Children: Cristiano Ronaldo Jr., Alana Martina dos Santos Aveiro, Eva Maria Dos Santos and more

Current teams: Juventus F.C. (#7 / Forward) and Portugal national football team (#7 / Forward)

Awards: European Golden Shoe, FIFA World Player of the Year, The Best FIFA Men's Player and more

Books: Moments, Cristiano Ronaldo: The Way i Feel, Soccer Superstars 2013 and more

He is one of the few recorded players to have made over 1,000 professional career appearances and has scored over 700 senior career goals for club and country.Country: Portugal

Age: 35 years

Weight: 83 kg

Date of birth: 05 February 1985

 Ronaldo has won five balloons d or award 

      What I gained from Ronaldo

1. We all known that Ronaldo is a hardworking player,cos he his the first one the training pitch and the last one on the training pitch He tell us to be hardworking and pratice hard for what is about to happen that we don't know about 

2.Ronaldo is the best player in this country there is no one like him and he his the best player the country ever had He tell us that you don't need to come from a great place before you become so great 

3.Ronaldo has played in the three best leagues in Europe and setting record in each leagues He tell us that don't be bother about the new challenges cos it can be overcome 

5.Ronaldo has scored so many outside goal than all others player,cos before he gets into the box he always scores his Goal He tells us don't wait for anything before you crack your chance 

6.Ronaldo has use both his legs and his head to score so many goals he even use his chest sometimes He tells us that since all your body is still active you can use all you got to achieve your aim 

            Documented quotes about Ronaldo

1. Your love makes me strong. Your hate makes me unstoppable.

Never listen to the haters around you. Instead, take their hate as motivation and prove them wrong. The same fire which burns one can become the fuel for another.

2. I’m living a dream I never want to wake up from.

You have the ability to live your dreams. But you have to call the shots. Make a plan and take massive action. The future favors the relentless. This is one of the best Cristiano Ronaldo quotes on our list.

3. We don’t want to tell our dreams. We want to show them.

Don’t just talk about what you want to do. Go out and do it. People love the sound of their dreams and keep talking about them. But only those who work hard ever taste greatness.

cristiano ronaldo quoutes

4. I’ve never tried to hide the fact that it is my intention to become the best.

You don’t become the best overnight. You need to set powerful intentions every day, every month, every year, to go beyond your own reach and to grow to the next level.

5. If we can’t help our family, who are going to help?

It’s good to desire success. But it’s equally important to care for your family. Without them, you won’t be where you are today.

6.  We should make the most of life, enjoy it because that’s the way it is.

Life is short. So don’t spend it focusing on negativity. Make the most of it by focusing on pleasure. Listen to music. Take long walks. Sing like a madman. Go crazy. What good is life without a hint of madness?

7. But I don’t want to be compared to anyone – I’d like to impose my own style of play and do the best for myself and for the club here.

Your craft and your talent come from within you. They’re not dependent on what others are doing. Take inspiration but never get jealous. This one stands out among all Cristiano Ronaldo quotes.

8. Today there are opportunities that no one knows if they will come round again in the future.

If you want to succeed, you need to believe in opportunities. When you can see it and your mind can conceive it, you will achieve it.

cristiano ronaldo quotes

9. Scoring goals is a great feeling, but the most important thing to me is that the team is successful – it doesn’t matter who scores the goals as long as we’re winning.

There must be a greater purpose to what you’re chasing. Don’t just chase money or fame. When your goals arouse terrifying longing, you’ll conquer all obstacles that come your way.

10. I would be very proud if, one day, I’m held in the same esteem as George Best or Beckham. It’s what I’m working hard towards.

You should have role models to inspire you. There will always be people who have accomplished more than you with fewer resources than you have now. Take strength from it.

11. I want to consistently play well and win titles. I’m only at the beginning.

Weak goals bring weak results. Always set ambitious goals which make you excited and put a fire in your belly. The only limit is the one which exists in your mind. Out of all Cristiano Ronaldo quotes, this one stands out as it makes you dream bigger.

12. There is no harm in dreaming of becoming the world’s best player. It is all about trying to be the best. I will keep working hard to achieve it but it is within my capabilities.

You must believe in your ability to become great. We are made up of the same matter and if we train ourselves every day, every minute to work hard, learn and evolve, nobody can stop us from becoming great.

Cristiano Ronaldo Motivational Video “Unstoppable”

13. When you lose a person you love so much, surviving the loss is difficult.

The hard truth in life is that you will lose everyone you will love. So are you going to make it count while it lasts? Give them your love, time and attention, because every good thing comes to an end.

14. After I joined, the manager asked me what number I’d like. I said 28. But Ferguson said ‘No, you’re going to have No. 7’ and the famous shirt was an extra source of motivation. I was forced to live up to such an honor.

Ronaldo had to wear the No. 7 jersey previously worn by the likes of George Best, Eric Cantona, and David Beckham. The lesson? Treat responsibilities with respect. They push you beyond your comfort zone and skyrocket you on the path to success.

15. It gives me the happiest feeling in the world. I just love scoring. It doesn’t matter if it’s a simple goal from close range, a long shot or a dribble around several players, I just love to score all goals.

It’s bad to have addictions. But it’s good to get addicted to progress. Get addicted to improvement and you’ll become unstoppable. This is one of the best Cristiano Ronaldo quotes because it shows progress is the drug great people are always high on.

16. I don’t have to show anything to anyone. There is nothing to prove.

Your only competition is the person you were yesterday. Challenge yourself, not others.

17. I see football as an art and all players are artists.If you are a top artist, the last thing you would do is paint a picture somebody else has already painted.

Treat your work like a craft. Don’t steal from others. Give it your vision, creativity, and dedication, and you’ll be able to build something unique.

18. I am not a perfectionist, but I like to feel that things are done well. More important than that, I feel an endless need to learn, to improve, to evolve.

It is innate in human nature to realize our greatest potential. So never stop learning and evolving.

19. When I win awards, I think of my father.

When you taste success, don’t feel entitled. There are people who work with you and push you in ways you have no idea about. Always be grateful for the people who support you.

cristiano ronaldo quotes talent

20. Talent without working hard is nothing.

The world is full of talented people who turned into failures. Talent matters less. What really matters is how devoted you are to your craft. Being disciplined is one thing, but being devoted is a different game.

Click to read full details

[abearonamapletree]

A Road to the Woods: I

After I graduated from college, I continued my life working on my supervisor's project. Got bored with all the lab activities and situation, I challenged myself to involve in field biology-related experience. Started when I found a poster about a non-govermental organization that was looking for a volunteer for wildlife conservation activities in some protected areas in Sumatra-Java, I assured myself to get involved in that activities. It is still being my dream, working for an NGO and dedicated myself in a field that support wildlife conservation.

I want to tell you about my feelings back then first. I did not have any professional experiences in terrestrial ecology and conservation. My one and only “quite-serious” experience was my internship in turtle conservation, Bali. I did not have any experience working in such a very harsh environment like forest in remote area or something. I could not imagine myself in the woods for about one month. Yes, ONE MONTH. I am not that physically strong (and mentally, maybe), but I'm good at holding pain. I worried if I become such an obstacle while the team walk. Negative thoughts came to my mind and I almost gave up before I tried to fill the form. Yeah but in the end, I completed the form and sent it haha.

I WAS SURPRISED. Someone from the NGO called and asked if I wanted to join them in Batutegi, Lampung. It was 2-3 weeks before the D-date and I did not know what to do. I called my parents, asked them for permission, and…. not every parents easily allow their daughter to stay in that kind of environment with no other woman in the team. Many questions were asked but luckily, I could convince them and get my permission. YAY.

At first I was told to go to Lampung on March 19th but suddenly they changed the date to March 6th :'(. It shocked me because I still had a job to do in Jakarta on the day before. So all my schedule changed and I had to travel from Bandung-Jakarta-Depok-Bogor in a day and packed all my things up quickly. It was like a kind of magic (black magic, maybe) when I realized that my field gears had all gone or broken, so I had to borrow my friend's immediately. All things was packed and I quickly ran to the NGO's office (I was surprised that the office is an hour far from my house tbh). After arrived safely, I talked to the staff, had some chitchats, and prepared myself to go.

I always sleep while commuting to somewhere far. Me and Kang Mursid, my friend from the NGO who accompanied me, went to Lampung by bus. We took the night bus and scheduled to be gone at 8.30 p.m. I was surprised by the bus, tbh. It's a ROYAL CLASS. I have never been in a royal class before. So I was kind of norak for knowing that the bus had some facilities such as charging spot, wi-fi, a very comfortable seats (with the extensions for relaxing your feet!), blankets, pillows, dining/smoking room, snacks, and the most important, TOILET! Yes. I'm a girl that can't live without toilet. Oh, DAMRI really know how to comfort the passengers. I was very grateful.

I was lucky, Kang Mursid is a very very nice person. We talked a lot, not only about the NGO and the program, but also something deep such as love life :p. He easily talked about how he met his wife and we laughed too much! He gave me so much advices that maybe useful for living my life in the future. I am an introvert, I have not much to talk, and he likes to talk with everybody. Again, the grace was with me.

A few hours after we talked, we both fell asleep. When I woke up, our bus was entering the ferry so it was time to leave this too-comfortable seat. We didn't get some seats in the inside, so we just sat on the deck. It was rainy and cold outside, my jacket couldn't give me warmth so I didn't feel really well. Pop Mie that Kang Mursid bought for us didn't help that much and.. a lesson for you, do not buy any Pop Mie in the ferry. It's really pricey, you should save it for any ayam penyet—or bakso beranak when you arrived in town. After finishing my meal, I fell asleep (again).

Fifteen minutes had passed. I got interrupted by the intercom-woman who said that we will arrive at Bakauheni Port in a few minutes. It's time to get back to my lovely seat in the bus, I thought. I prepared my things and walked down the stairs. Hello, Lampung! Hello, Sumatra! (Yes, this was my first time walked on Sumatra Island's asphalt)

***

tbc