#i thought that just bc i liked school that i should keep going
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I WANNA GET HIS NUMBER
#sou's thoughts#hi here to give context down here#i've been going to this badminton club#and there's this super sweet guy who i admire sm#bc i don't speak chinese at all and people keep assuming i do but never remember that i don't#BUT HE REMEMBERED I DON'T and even goes as far as speaking english for me and translating#like this lady started speaking to me in chinese and i was so lost BUT HE WAS NEARBY AND TRANSLATED FOR ME#school starts soon so tomorrow's my last day#since wechat won't work (mf won't let me sign up) i'm gonna ask for his number#also i wanna try do more small talk !!#idek his age yet and what he does i just know how long he's played#but he's super fun to play with so i want to invite him if i ever book courts during the term#he's literally my role model#i wanna make someone feel that welcome bc before i spoke to him i felt so left out#and kept telling myself that i should just push through and make use of being able to play with new people#now i've been so excited to go and speak to new people#anyways long ass ramble but wish me luck !!#ngl last time i made friends outside of school i did it by trading parent numbers#SO LIIIIIKE#i'm nervous
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#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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i hope my friends never get the feeling that they need to have something important to say to be able to talk to me
#marble musings#its just like#an awful feeling#had someone i knew who kinda just like ignored my attempts to make conversation bc im like. not good at talking to people#and i was really sad bc i just wanted to like. enjoy her company#and ive been told by a couple people that they thought i was kinda intimidating???#which is so funny to me bc im like SO scared to talk to people#anyway yeah you dont have to like#say something important or anything#if you dont want to#i mean im like actual shit at small talk but ill still try my best if you just say like 'hi' and wanna start a conversation#(ugh unless youre the kind of person who shuts down small talk questions i cannot deal with that.#there was someone i talked to who i was like asking questions to bc i wanted to like keep the conversation going bc i like. think thats wha#they wanted#but id say like 'hows school' or 'whats a fun fact about yourself' and theyd just give like one word answers which is alright but if you#wanna hold a proper conversation that doesnt really work#and when they answered the questions they didnt throw it back to me like 'how bout you' or something#theyd just. sit there#and i was like#damn ok should i like ask another question?#but i felt like they were trying to hint to me that they didnt wanna talk so i stopped talking#and they were fucking like 'awkwarrrd'#like DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK OR NOT)#ok sorry that was a really long tangent#i prommy im always happy to talk unless youre like a super rare exception (like 2 people ever)#in which case i will try to make it clear im not in the mood to talk or youre like making me uncomfortable or something#ok thats it#have a nice day#:)
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by 🫡#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months 👍#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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when i was in my second year of high school i sat next to this guy in history whom i didn’t rlly get along w/until i saw him writing love letters to his girlfriend and offered to fold them into hearts for him. i wonder what he’s up to.
#and now i am thinking abt how the differences in latinx n asian cultural values were probs what led us to not interact#(by 'us' i mean just like the general latinx n asian social halves at school)#like they probs thought i was looking down on them at first (strong asian value of academic achievement)#(also that chinese habit of never speaking your thoughts n feelings aloud bc i will keep all my feelings right here n then someday i'll die)#but like... i guess once i made it clear i was willing to help them (n not just leave them n their grades for dead) the dynamic changed too#i remember my hispanic classmates were often so much more *earnest* and open w/their feelings n affection#like i feel like high fives n dramatic gestures of greeting in the halls btwn classes are kind of obnoxious. you feel?#but once there was that understanding that i wasn't looking down on them i'd get those 'EYYYYYY *HIGH FIVE*' in the halls from them#n like looking back i think it's just a cultural thing bc there was like one asian student who did that but we all were like#'oh yeah. she's Like That(tm). it's not a... *bad*... thing..... (but we all think it's out of place socially n some think it's annoying)'#you ever just think abt cultures different from your own and sit in your baffled state for a while#bc 'we just don't do things like that. we just *don't*.' like not in a derogatory way or anything. just pure bafflement.#like who were the chinese parents who decided that being open w/your feelings (w/your children but also in general) was a no-go#how did we come to value emotional privacy to this extent. there's gotta be a philosopher i can point to#was it you confucius??? i bet it was you confucius#this post has been in my drafts since oct 21 2021 lol i think i should probably release it to the queue now#it's so old it uses the old post format editor#花話
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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mfw i spent yeeeeears in college aaaaaagonizing about how to turn a short fanfic of mine into a full-length original work and was working on it with my professor and through all the editing became really embarrassed of the original fanfic version thinking it was immature and shallow but could also never make the rewrite work so i moved onto other projects and then today after a very long time reread both of them only to find that the original fic is concise and heartfelt with clunky execution but solid and gripping emotional beats and the novelization is overwritten self-obsessed garbo
#i think i posted about it here a decent amount too#i was surprised at how much i liked the fic but honestly shocked at how bad the rewrite was#like not to dog on myself too much#but i wrote the fic originally for a class on short stories#(which is why i wanted to rewrite it in the first place - if i was already disguising it as original work might as well go all the way)#(see how far we can make this premise go)#so the original is super super to the point and like yeah clearly written by an 18 year old and dramatic but also very tastefully paced#like i was genuinely surprised at how effective i thought a lot of it was#i don't tend to toot my own horn about my writing especially not my old writing i was genuinely chuffed#then i had the dangerous thought of 'maybe i could give the rewrite idea another go this time more in the spirit of the original'#'keep it short and punchy and focused on the characters and their dynamic while updating it w my skills now and use it for grad school apps#but then i thought no...that was the vision i had when i was 18#this is sort of a pun bc it's a story about ghosts but i should just let it lie and move on#personal#i was genuinely so put off by the writing of the rewrite that i was like wtf wait...i like...submitted this to lit mags on campus didn't i#did some digging found that it was the opening scene - which was THE most overwritten wanky part of it in my current self's eyes -#that i submitted to (and got published in) the lit mag i worked on in my little college community#girl nooooooooo i mean i guess the other girlies liked it enough to put it in#but it's odd i guess how time changes your perception/value judgments
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just recently watched this is us with my college friends
#tbqh i found it kinda boring 😭#the louis clips were so not enough#ive watched some clips online prior to actually watching it (for the first time might i add)#one of my friends had a cousin who was crazyyy ab 1d so she dragged her out to the cinema to go watch it when it came out and in 3d lol 😭#the 3d schtick is so funny 2 me lmao 😭#my friend recalls freaking out in the movie theater bc she was a major niall fan at the time. she said 3d niall was so close 2 her face lol#anyway. ab how i watched some clips online prior#i was actually waiting for the louis n his sisters part or the one where he visits his school or smth#my friends.... they literally don't know a thing ab louis personality-wise so they didn't really get much from it#UGH i should download aotv and make them watch it that was way more interesting (but idk? smth about it feels like it's made for fans only?#but... i'll suggest it the next time we get together 🙏🏼#anyw back to my review.#simon cowell's face was a jumpscare what can i say. it was so evil how nicole scherzinger was just. completely written off#im from the future i Know things#<- and like. about this. i felt kinda bad being cynical about the movie when i know my friend is Still an ot5 at heart#i think i broke her 13-year old heart a little 😭#it's so weird how the movie keeps singling out zayn about him getting kicked out or him talking solo music etc kskdj. feels v pointed Lol#they really just documented the 1d-mania & madness they ensued huh.... i think 2 of my friends (bts fans) weren't as impressed LOL 😭#they kinda flamed their performances and stage outfits which is. yeah i agree. kpop idols do WAY more than just.... that (1d) kskskd#i guess i'll make them watch the extra clips next time (o haven't seen all the clips yet i think)#OH and 😭 why was martin scorsese in the film that was hilarious#didn't have a lot of realness to it. is what i thought of the film. yeah. this is(N'T) us ✊🏽😔#maybe... i am too much of a hater#i liked... the... um. it's hard to highlight things i liked ab the film when im Not a 1d fan 😭 like im a louie ONLY idgaf ab 1d 😔#the part ab louis audition.... im sorry babie the editors did u dirty but it was so funny........😭#<- though i imagine it solidified people's (wrong) opinions about him :/
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the desire im capable of feeling for a person is insane like i rlly cannot see any other way my life could go that i'd be happy w unless im by their side in their arms :((
#genuinely idgi. w my other crushes i daydreamed but i didnt wanna get close to them rlly. this is more than a crush how does it work#r u supposed to go crazy or am i a freak#i mean like.. idk!!!!! idk anything im so confused!!!!!!#all i know is that when i wake up their my first thought. when i do anything during the day i wish i was w them doing those things#when i go to bed i think of them#every thought i have i wanna share w them. it feels good nd nice to share everything w them#it's exciting to talk abt my boring fkn day. it's exciting to listen to details of their borinf day#like thats music to my ears. everything. i want. when i think of watching a show i want to know what they think of it#when i come across a movie my 1st thought it hmm wonder if theyve seen it#when i come across various ideologies nd stuff im like hmmm i wanna discuss this w them#it's all them them them them!#im jealous of the air they breathe the ground the walk on. those things get to be so close nd im so far away#i dont know#cant.. imagine. i mean maybe to other ppl#being in love and loving someone is .. idk. i've never experienced it before so idk anythinf#im just... so.. dizzy#i cant focus on school even if im like yeah wow im gnna go homeless if i dont do my homework lmao#i cant read my books or watch shows bc i keep pausing nd being like ok but what if WE were in this position#well. maybe. im ??? is this what love is? or am i too intense? should u be able to function anyway? idgi
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i feel like a fucking failure for not going to school
idk theres a huge difference when i miss school bc i want to (when i first started skipping) or if i have an appointment
and when i have no choice (not being able to get out of bed, transport, anxiety)
and lately i seem to be experiencing the latter so i cant even let myself rest bc the guilt is eating me alive
#like rn#i stayed up late again for a project but i planned a 2 hour nap and overslept#and that made me very late and i feel horrible bc i keep missing school and my teahcers all hate me and im gonna have to pay a huge fine#when the social worker comes knocking and my parents are gonna hate me and its all my fault and maybe i should go back to sh but i dont#want to but i deserve it but thatll make me feel even worse abt myself bc then ill be like look who cant stay clean which is stupid but yh#i dont even want to go anymore i just want to keep working on all these assignments that are proving harder to catch up with than i thought#i can try again next week except thats what i said last week and the week before that and for the whole minth before that and before that#des vents
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sometimes i randomly remember the time i was swimming as a kid and it was by the big pool but near the edge and the uhh entrance of the pool anyways i almost drowned and so i grabbed lune to live and almost drowned her. good times
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#the adults... were not there..... i mean they kinda were but did they really just look at us and think 'oh nothing's happening' and look#away :(( mom had to save us and it broke her phone bcs she forgot to remove it from her pocket and she still took so long raghhh !!#anyways i think that's what caused my extreme fear of drowning. it's funny i love the water so much yet fear it too#WE HAD TO WRITE ONCE about an experience where God Saved Us sorry religious school (SOBBING... <//3)#i did this. when i almost drowned (my twin too). uh. what was i going to say about this i forgot anyway#idk i have always had a very yeah imagination... sometimes thought about a plane landing down in the middle of a flight over the ocean#and it would really scare me thinking about the process (i think it was bcs i was a curious kid. even now but yeah. and i liked looking#at the papers and all during planes! love plane rides tbh tho i have a deathly fear of dying there too WHAGBJSHDB) it also didn't help#btw that yeah vivid imagination so i'd imagine it and it was worse than it would actually be tbh... maybe bcs i only really had those pics#+ watching the titanic + kid imagination to imagine how it would be like. i doubt now a shark would come if ever that happened tbh#also yk i love sharks they're so cute actually i love marine animals sooo much and sorry i should eat and do homeowrk i keep gettin#SIDETRAcked uhh i REALLY don't want to do my homework sobbing but at 5-6 i'll be busy and i don't want to cram and god i have sm to do
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#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new#email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head#by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start#to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do#specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared#so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently#but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have#to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it#like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense#oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took#university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it#ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep#tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts#jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds#like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write#and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated#which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust#and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset#itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me#unrelated
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idk why my brain decided folding laundry while listening to rollercoaster by bleachers at 11:26pm was the perfect conditions to finally process the fact that other girls is going to be finished in less than three weeks but im genuinely gonna lay motionless on the floor letting all these feelings wash over me rn????
#i'm just. no one will ever be able to comprehend how much this show truly means to me#even *i* can barely comprehend how much this show means to me#i keep trying to put it into words. the show itself is me trying to put that feeling into words#but it always sounds like hyperbole when i say other girls is the most important thing i have ever done and may ever do#most of my audience is only seeing the final 1% of what this project has been for me#and that's the part people should see bc it's the finished product#but also like. this is the same show i thought was going to genuinely kill me when i was eighteen#i worked on this for three years because every time i got close to completing it something took it away#and i realized it's more empowering to remake it on my own terms than give up on it even when it hurts#this show has seen me through my school almost being shut down. my first major depressive episode (and my whole recovery process!)#and that's not even to mention having to cut off multiple toxic friendships with the very first cast i had in 2020#when i got into my dream school senior year all i felt was anxious because i thought other girls was never going to happen#and i thought that meant i would never make it as a comedian (don't ask me how that works depression makes you believe weird things)#and in the years since i've found my way at this school and realized my worth as a human being doesn't depend on other girls#and that other girls belongs to me and not the other way around#and i was able to take this source of shame. this perceived failure#and turn it into a production far bigger than i could've imagined back in 2019#it gave me a chance to connect with a cast and crew full of some of the most incredible people i've ever met#and most importantly i'm able to make the show i wish i could've seen when i was young and alone#other girls is just a love letter to my younger self. like even though i know you can't hear me i just want to tell you you'll be okay#anyway side note i'm gonna get to talk to paul bellini again tomorrow#SPECIFICALLY because he said he wanted to talk to me before other girls is out bc he thinks it's really cool and wants to hear more#and he asked me to send him the video as soon as it's up#so year other girls is honestly the wildest ride i've ever been on. going from crying in my room at 3 a.m. over hating the ending#to chatting about the production in less than 3 weeks with one of my comedy heroes#nothing is ever going to top this
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down horrifically
#there is this girl ive had a crush on since middle school#shes trans im trans she makes ME look extroverted she has a dumb discord almost boyfriend its complicated.#anyway we were texting abt jojo and she mentioned she hadnt seen s3 and i go oh we should watch it together!!#you know. normal style. bc we havent seen each other in person since september (shes dual enrolling all her classes this year).#not even flirting! and she just keeps describing the plot of jojo s2 to me. literally offing myself#this is like the first time shes ever texted me words and not a meme to start a convo too#and then the next day she sends me another kanye meme like what am i supposed to think here#i'm throwing my phone into a lake.#entire time this is happening im yelling at my sister about it oblivious to the gay waiter who was apparently VERY obviously hitting on me#i thought he was just weirdly cheerful. apparently i am not good at this stuff.#never going to find love dude i have zero game#unreal.
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For anyone voting in that highschool extracurriculars whosiewhatsits: I was actually homeschooled from 6th grade on :)
#I was curious to see if anyone would try to peg me with anything to begin with#I am pretty open about the fact that I was homeschooled after elementary on here#so I figured that anyone saying I did any of these would be unlikely#also. even if I HAD gone to high school I likely would not have done any of these; p sure it takes money to do extra shit like this#also they would be so much WORK and I'd had enough of extra work from the lil gifted kids BS I was made to do for a lil while#in 4th and part of 5th grade. few things I regret more than that; aside from being convinced to ''try'' for the first part of 5th#after I had already had a meltdown bc I had decided to quit but my mom didn't tell them anything bc she didn't know she was supposed to#and they tried telling me to go on that first day. ugh. I cannot believe they still made me do that shit for another whole semester#I fucking HATED that shit. maybe I wouldn't have started to have bad habits w homework so soon if it wasn't for ''more work and harder''#according to the first teacher I had for it (the one in 5th was new but she was still a bitch; just a different flavor. I hate them all.)#saddest part is I was excited at first when my mom said I was gonna be doing that. I don't think that she wanted me to keep going#when I desperately wanted to quit after one year; so much as she didn't really know How to let me quit and thought that just not going#was good enough or smth. I think they had to have confirmed it with her. I should've said no to that extra semester. I should have said no#to doing it at all. that shit was damaging to me. then again the latter two years of elementary were damaging anyways...#well THAT turned into something else entirely didn't it! haha. I was a very poor student after 3rd grade. anyways.
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im gonna fucking kill myself WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY do i keep failing these fucking exams!!!! i fucking study for them thats the worst part! i study for them and i fail and oh my god. cuarta puta matricula para otra puta asignatura es que what even is the meaning of my fucking life. i feel like im going insanse like im stuck in the same fucking place every single fucking year and i just. cannot fucking escape from these basic ass classes that i keep fucking failing!!!!!!!!
#at one point i thought i knew what to do but. i dont. i really dont i guess#at what point should i throw in the towel. i feel like i shouldve done it ages ago. but my stupid little monkey brain tells me to keep goin#bc i dont know what else there is to life except be in school and try to study. and all its acomplishing is: 1. draining my energy#2. making the environment at home (w my mom) absolutely inhabitable for me. and 3. draining my parents pockets.#and bc of my shit grades i cant get any financial help at all. except the housing. which just makes the situation 10x worse#i feel like im gonna have to spend the entire summer studying if i want to even think about passing any/some of next year's classes#and i dont even want to go to the exam on wednesday bc i know ill do just as bad. actually no. ill do even worse. i havent studied at all#i want to cry so fucking bad and its all bc my stupid brain refuses to cooperate with what i actually do want.#xarraire#suicide mention
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林檎糖の日々
opossumguy
chaos drives us all
ariel-aguerophoto
explorando Madrid
reesepbcup
Let's Take A Trip Down.......