#i thought my gender was fluctuating. but honestly. not really?

[mirandasidefics]

But Home is Nowhere- Chapter 12 Pt1

Pairing(s): Lucien x Plus Size Reader, Azriel x Plus Size Reader, and Ruhn Dannan x Plus Size Reader.

Summary: Reader and Azriel have a small heart to heart.

Word Count: 3.4 K

Warnings: None really...

Author's Note: This took me way too long and I'm so sorry! Here is the first half of the chapter, which is considerably shorter than I initially intended, but I needed to get something out to you guys.

As always, a HUGE thank you to my beta reader @hardcoremarvelfan!

Series Masterlist Divider by @/tsunami-of-tears

Previous: Chapter 11 Next: Chapter 12 Pt2

It had been a full week since “the incident” as you referred to it in your mind. You hadn’t really seen nor spoken to Ruhn as he slept separately from you. The only time you had seen each other was when he was gathering up a few changes of clothes from your shared dresser into the room he was staying in. You honestly didn’t know how long this separation was going to last, and you weren’t sure how much longer you could safely use the tonic to help with your sleep. And truthfully, you missed him. 

The tonic continued to help for the most part. There were no real nightmares to speak of, but your sleep certainly wasn’t dreamless any longer. In fact, your dreams were starting to become a bit too strange and realistic for your liking. Not that they hadn’t ever been that way before. You always had intense dreams, but they were few and far between. Past events seemed so real that there were a few you genuinely couldn’t distinguish from your actual memories. The only way you had was by asking the people directly involved. With the tonic however, these dreams were now becoming a nightly occurrence. 

Of course, the unusual nature of your dreams started to occupy your waking thoughts as well. Even now, as you sat on an outside patio of a restaurant near the Rainbow with Nyx and Azriel, your mind was focused on the dream you had last night; children playing in a field of flowers. You remember chasing them, their laughter making you feel light and fully at ease. Your heart was full of love for these children. Your children. As the dream played out the features on each face had been so stark and clear. Now that you were awake, everything was hazy and fluctuated. You couldn’t remember genders, or hair color, or eye color. You huffed as the images danced further and further away. 

“(Y/N?)” Azriel gently called, pulling your attention back to the present. You blinked your eyes a few times, trying to regain focus on the topic at hand. The Illyrian had yet again crashed your outing with Nyx as you were on your way to visit his mother in her studio. Nyx had begged you to take him so that he could show her his own drawing that he had been working on the past two days. From the corner of your eye you saw Nyx peek up from coloring at the table. Azriel’s hand rested on your shoulder, the smallest hint of concern etched in his features. 

“Your order, Miss?” A petite female, with skin, eyes, and hair all the same shade of snowy white, asked. You couldn’t recall if you had ever seen her at this particular restaurant before. You assumed not as you were certain you would have remembered the stark brightness of her being, and the strange shape of her hands. The fingers in particular were long and spindly, tapering down into points. No sign of any nails or claws, just the fingers themselves. You mildly wondered how she could do anything with hands shaped like that. Azriel’s hand squeezed your shoulder, bringing you back yet again. 

“Oh, sorry,” You apologized and took a moment to glance at the familiar menu in front of you, not really taking in any of the items listed. You always got the same thing. You provided her with your order, Azriel doing the same. His thumb gently rubbed against the sliver of exposed skin of your collar bone before returning his hand to rest on the tabletop. There was something about the way it was positioned, almost resting in your space rather than his own. You wondered if the male noticed how the female’s eyes darted between the two of you and then to Nyx. Perhaps she was able to sense that the feel of his hand on you no longer set off alarm bells of panic. 

“And what would you like little one?” The female asked, turning to look at Nyx. Her smile brightened at his serious expression. 

“Chocolate cake,” He tried his best to give a confident response, but his bright blue orbs gave him away as he sought out permission from you. 

“How about you pick between the chicken or the pasta and then you can have the chocolate cake?” You offered instead. He jutted out his lower lip in a pout. 

“Ah, ah, ah,” You lifted your hand, holding the palm out in indication for him to stop the fake water works that he was trying to build up. “You need to eat something other than sweets to start with. You still have the chance to choose for yourself, and then you can have the cake.” Nyx huffed but looked at the female taking your orders once more. 

“I’d like the chicken sandwich please,” He relented, grumbling before returning to his coloring. 

“Excellent choice,” She chirped, before bending down to speak in what was a playful conspiratorial voice, “Between you and me your mother here is quite scary.” You looked on as one of those spindle fingers extended towards you. Nyx gave the female a wide toothy grin. 

“You have no idea how scary mama can get,” the child looked directly at you, mischief twinkled like the stars in his eyes. Your jaw went slack. You knew that he played the occasional prank. Usually, it was with the encouragement of Cassian, and there was even one instance with Hunt; but to play into a misunderstanding of your relationship all on his own? He was becoming his own little mastermind. You were certain that his father would be proud.   

“N-no… I’m…” You tried to protest and correct the female about who you were, but Nyx continued. 

“You should see how mad she gets when-” You cleared your throat, shifting nervously in your seat. You glanced over to Azriel, eyes widening the slightest bit in a silent bid for him to interject.  

“You’ll find no help from me, mama,” He teased, joining his nephew in his jest. What was it about Fae males getting such satisfaction from teasing you? Nyx giggled gleefully at the support of his uncle. The female stood; her own smile still plastered on her face as she excused herself to get your orders prepared. 

“You two are the worst,” You scolded, glancing between them. You crossed your arms over your chest. Nyx mimicked your motions. 

“But I look so much like you, mama,” He giggled again. Azriel let out a hardy laugh. You turned to look at him, and damn if the sight of his smile didn’t cause all thoughts to escape your brain. You grumbled to yourself, looking away before he could catch you staring. The two calmed down from their laughter as you continued to stew in your irritation. 

You weren’t sure why the simple mistake was bothering you. There was no ill will intended towards anyone by the comment. Nor was it a slight against either Feyre or Rhysand. Honestly with the way you and Nyx interacted it was very easy and reasonable for someone to mistake you for being mother and child. Yet, something about the notion snagged at your heart. The image of a child with dark unruly hair flashed into your mind’s eye. 

Nyx eventually resumed his coloring, but you continued your efforts to remember any additional details to your dream. However, all you managed to do was give yourself a headache. Or was the headache due to stress and the anxiety you continued to push away? You began to chew on your lower lip and bounce your foot. What were you going to do? 

“I gotta pee!” Nyx suddenly announced, immediately jumping from his seat and racing towards the public toilet. You sprang up to follow him when the waitress came to the table with the first part of your order. 

“He’ll be fine,” She commented, setting the plate down. “You can see the door from where you’re sitting. Your son-”

“He’s not my son,” You snapped. “And his father wouldn’t hesitate to kill me if something were to happen because I let him out of my sight.” You quickly ran after Nyx, not bothering to apologize when you bumped into the tables of patrons in your path. 

The female’s eyes went wide, her head whipped towards Azriel. She was clearly appalled at the implication that the male before her could elicit that type of response. Her mouth parted, opening and closing like a fish trying to find the right words to say. His shadows whispered that she intended to kick him out as a way to protect whom she incorrectly assumed was his wife and son. Azriel simply pointed at his chest, “Uncle, not father.” The female’s shoulders sagged in relief for a brief moment. As soon as the realization of her prior mistake hit her, she began to profusely apologize. 

“Oh Mother! I-I-I just assumed he was yours because of the wings,” She gestured to the large appendages that Azriel had tucked in behind him. 

“It’s perfectly alright,” He reassured, voice calm. “It happens quite often when the three of us are out. More often than she knows.” He wasn’t upset about the innocent misunderstanding. In all honesty he found it amusing. Most of the time Azriel didn’t bother to correct any hushed comments his shadows would pick up on. The only time that he did was if the comment was made directly to him. Though, the repeated mistake was starting to spark Azriel’s interest regarding what (Y/N)’s child would look like. The female nodded her head and politely excused herself. 

Soon, (Y/N) and Nyx returned to the table, the woman quietly scolding him. Nyx’ expression showed no regard for the serious topic. While there had never been any whisperings of an attempt to harm the Heir of Night, he didn’t blame her for her worry. Azriel had to admit that he recognized her words regarding how his High Lord could react were valid. The idea of him speaking to Rhysand on the matter flashed through him. His attention immediately pulled away as the woman returned to her seat next to him. 

Irritation radiated off of her. Azriel had noticed it steadily growing from when he picked her up earlier this morning. He also noted that Ruhn was nowhere to be seen. She rested her forearms on the table, picking at her nails. A habit she often resorted to when something was on her mind. He watched her hands, watched as she picked and peeled the edge of her nail so far that it tore at the skin. 

“(Y/N)?” He moved to place his hand over hers, but she pulled away. Setting her hands in her lap she leaned against the back of her chair and turned her head away. Her actions solidified his assumption. She was focused on something that was causing her mind to spiral. He had experienced this with her before during that first week in that cell. He remembered that if he couldn’t get her to switch her focus she would start to shut down, just as she did back then. 

Azriel reached for her hands again and grasped one before she could move away. His fingers laced through hers, curving around her palm to pin it down against the top of her thigh. Her body went still, save for the slight extending and retracting of her abdomen as she took steadying low breaths. 

“Y/N,” His voice was firm, but he made sure that there were no threatening undertones. “Is there something you want to talk about?” She remained silent for a beat.  

“I’m fine Azriel,” She still didn’t look at him. Her gaze was focused on the child next to her. 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine,” Her voice was stronger, yet still clipped. 

“Then why do I not believe you?” He asked, his thumb gently caressed the side of her index finger. “Can you look at me please?” She didn’t move. “Y/N-” She yanked her hand away from his grasp. 

“Stop Azriel,” Her whisper was harsh, head tilted in a way to where only the lower half of her face was in his line of sight. “We are not in that cell, so you cannot force this. You want me to trust you? To open up to you? Then we can talk later. For now, just let me be. Please.”  

“Are…” His voice trails off, a sigh escaping from his lips as he pulled his hand away from her lap. “Okay. We’ll talk later.” 

Azriel spent the rest of the afternoon with the pair. The woman remained tense, which even Feyre had picked up on. She had asked Azriel, mind to mind, if he knew what was wrong. Which he advised that he didn’t know. He refrained from telling his High Lady about the incident at the restaurant. It really hadn’t been the first time that newer citizens to the City of Starlight mistook Nyx as being hers. Only those that had ever seen him with either Feyre or Rhysand were aware he was their son and the current Heir to the Night Court. Though, that would likely be changing within the year after his official introduction to the higher members of the Night Court aristocracy. 

After that night’s family dinner, if it could still be counted as one with both Cassian and Mor not in attendance, Azriel offered to walk the human back to the townhouse. Surprisingly she accepted, but the walk back was silent. When they approached, the windows were still dark. Azriel noted how she paused, head tilting ever so slightly as she looked over the front. Had he been human he may have not noticed the miniscule change in her body language, but he did. He always seemed to be hyper aware of how she responded to things. 

“Ruhn’s not here,” He notes. She goes inside as if nothing was wrong, but it was all over her face that she was unsettled by the other male’s absence. Fae lights flickered into existence as the door opened. 

After placing her shoes by the door, a habit he assumed was from her home world, she padded over to the kitchen. Azriel watched as she went about getting a mug from a cabinet. She stared at a clear glass jar of what appeared to be tea leaves. Her fingers drummed on the wood of the cabinet door. With a sigh from her lips, Azriel continued to watch as she grabbed the jar and proceeded to boil lemonade in the ceramic kettle. 

She moved around in silence, and he began to wonder if she even realized that he was still there. He decided to continue to let her work. The kettle’s high-pitched whistle soon became the only sound in the townhouse.  

“So, are you going to tell me what is bothering you?” Azriel asked from his spot as he leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. She stopped her movements and huffed, shoulders sagging. He could tell that she was tired and frustrated, but he also knew that whatever was bothering her she would need to eventually talk about. So he waited, crossing his arms as he adjusted his wings. 

“I got into a fight with Ruhn,” She finally admitted quietly. “We…” Her voice trailed off, but Azriel waited patiently for her to continue. “We were having dinner last week. For my birthday actually and he got me this incredibly thoughtful gift and…” Azriel watched as her jaw tensed from gritting her teeth, “the fucking idiot.” Azriel had to refrain from the slight smile that was threatening to creep onto his features. Even when she was angry, she was- “Why are men-males so stupid? No offense, but you all are in certain areas.” Her voice had returned to a normal volume, before she looked at Azriel, almost as if she was waiting for an answer even though they both knew it was simply rhetorical. 

“I know that there is a disparity between him and me; he knows more about me than I do about him and his history and… he said something that really…disconnected…no that’s not fully right…made me feel… forgotten...?” The number of varying emotions that she displayed within such a short time was all the proof that Azriel needed to see where her feelings were directed, and just how strong they were becoming. He knew there was more to her frustration than she let one, but he didn’t press. As she returned to her task of making her drink, a sudden idea came to him. 

“Do you want my opinion on the matter, or do you want a distraction?” He asked, standing a bit straighter. She looked over her shoulder at him, her eyebrows furrowed in question. She continued to study him as she drizzled honey into a mug and prepared the tea leaves in a small strainer.  

“That depends,” She poured the steaming lemonade into the mug. “Are either of those offers just going to piss me off further? Because knowing you and our dynamic, that is very possible.” The smallest of smiles tugged at the corner of her mouth causing Azriel to chuckle at her statement. She wasn’t exactly wrong. They had their fair share of misunderstandings over the past few years. 

“Hopefully not,” He answered. “So, which is it? Opinion or distraction?” He quirked an eyebrow at her. 

“You might as well just tell me your opinion first,” She sighed and took a sip of the concoction she made. “Depending on my response to that I may need the distraction.” Azriel fixed his gaze on her, and was relieved when she didn’t back down. They certainly had come a long way from when they first met. 

“Ruhn cares for you deeply. There is no way that he would ever truly forget who you are and what you mean to him. I don’t think any of us could forget you if I’m honest. So, I’m certain that whatever idiotic thing he said, he regrets.” He spoke honestly. It wasn’t a secret how much the other male adored (Y/N). And with each passing day it was becoming obvious that she had growing feelings for the Midgardian male as well. The thought struck Azriel in the gut every time he noticed, but he knew in the long run that she deserved someone she felt completely safe with. 

“That was not the opinion that I was expecting from you,” She blinked several times trying to process the information. “I don’t know if I have a snarky response to that. Kudos.” A small smile lifted the corner of her lips. His own mirroring the expression. 

“What does that mean?” Azriel looked at her curiously. She chuckled, shaking her head. 

“It means ‘good job’.” She explained, still smiling at him as she took another sip. Azriel had to force himself to look away, shifting in his spot, and returned to the previous subject.

“Do you want to know what the distraction was going to be?” 

“Oh, yes do tell,” She took another sip of her drink. Azriel’s own smile widened. 

“There are music concerts and theatrical productions held practically every night,” He started. “Rhys and Feyre have a reserved box that any of us can use at any time. Would you like to go with me?” Her head perked up at the suggestion, and Azriel felt he had to brace himself against the counter as her (e/c) orbs lit up. 

“What kind of event is happening tonight?” Genuine interest filled her question. 

“It’s a symphonic orchestra,” He explained. “I think they are scheduled to play something called a requiem.” Her eyes widened slightly.

“You have that genre here? I…” Azriel watched on as she almost seemed genuinely confused. “Does Catholicism exist here?” He tilted his head at her question. 

“I’m not familiar with that term,” He provided, “And I’ve been to a majority of the lands within our world. So, I would have to go with no.” Her confused expression remained. 

“How? You know what, that doesn’t matter I’m going to need to hear it for myself,” She placed her mug down. “What time does it start?” Azriel looks at the clock on the wall of the kitchen.

“About an hour, and the concern hall is a 15-minute walk from here,” He smiles, “Or a 5-minute flight.” 

“Then I should get dressed in something a bit more appropriate for a concert,” She smiles brightly. “As should you. The leathers may be acceptable for every day, but not this. Meet me back here in half an hour?” Azriel nods in agreement and heads for the door, promising to be back in half an hour.  

General tag list: @loving-and-dreaming

Series tag list: @jenniferpendragon @impossibelle @sweet-chai-amore @myheartfollower @iimichie

@fightmedraco @nikkitch0703 @eerievixen @ang-taylorsversion

@randomness-it-is @thehighlordishere @rachelnicolee @hardcoremarvelfan @awkardnerd @sundayysunshine

@jpgtae @cheneyq @morganwdarius @latinxbipride @catharticlovewriter @samslulumelon

[scarabjewels]

What Mad Girl Movies Taught Me:

Never Be Like Me

(Lessons From Helter Skelter and Black Swan)

Beauty and perfectionism has been ingrained to how we build our self identity, social acceptability and self worth. This just has to stop. So here I am, sharing my opinions and experience, in hopes that someone who is struggling the same way finds this and say " wow, I am enough. The world is just fucked up".

Let's get on to it as I dissect the moral lessons two beloved movies of mad women we can all learn from.

Helter Skelter: Beauty As A Trend is Never Achievable

I have noticed how fucked up body trends are, in all known genders yes, but especially the heterosexual ones.

It really is so fucked up how it is normal to treat the body like a moldable accessory, when it's literally what works hard keep you alive because it is you! In just a span of a decade from 2015 to 2024, the trends over body aesthetics is crazy. I can tell you that sexism and ingrained toxicity in social constructs are alive and maybe even so flourishing with globalisation, whilst civil wars are coexisting. It's crazy (but that's another conversation).

Lately, another wave of Heroin Chic is hitting the influencer network, this wave has been a long time coming, especially during and after the pandemic. People have been trying to get healthy, yes, but for the wrong reasons, so much so that people just try to look healthy when in fact they got there from the artificial place.

Just around mid-2010, big ass and a tiny waist were all the rage. Yes, it opened up the door to the body types acceptance but also glamorized it, too much. Then by 2020, healthy body figures became the rage again: abs, toned muscles and no fat. Interestingly, body positivity also came along with the trend, opening the new target audience in markets: the plus size. Here we are at mid 2020, where heroine chic came back, along with toned look. The influence of this trend came with the build of many celebrities losing weight, such as Kim Kardashian removing her buttlift, Christina Aguilera looking like she was in her early 20s again, Nikoavokado coming back with relatively a drastically changed body and many more.

I will be honest that I accidentally jumped into this trend train. I lost weight drastically in a span of 6 months, due to self harming habits. (Please be warned of the terms I am using to describe what happened to me, I did not get diagnosed, even when it is very obvious what is happening to me). Ever since I was younger, I unconsciously trained myself to not eat when I am upset which led to repercussions I am yet to recover from. My weight would fluctuate all the time as a teenager and even now as an adult, as I get upset for longer periods of time, and the stress of that period still stays even after I feel better. So my eating habits would have split days of completely normal times to eat or literally starving because I slept in the whole day, that is my journey right now which is actually quite better than before. I would be physically incapable of even digesting food properly, my stomach would reject just the thought of eating again, which would only happen if I try to eat outside of the house (very specific I know), yet I would eat just fine at home. I couldn't eat because it would literally hurt. It was the worst periods of my life honestly. I couldn't function well, I couldn't sleep , one time I fainted at work from extreme fatigue.

Needless to say, I lost too much weight. Not skin -bone, but a drastic comparison from before. I am not happy, I am not moving much, and I feel like I am not enough, because now I am developing body dysmorphia. I was fine when I was a little over weight, I am jolly, active and full of life (not all the time, but most is pretty good!) I moved a lot, I am talking about long walks and trekking, and it was just for FUN. I loved it. Now, I can barely move and at age 22, my bones would "pop" or "creak" just from an occasional stretch or kneeling.

Look at what happened to the patients of the clinic where Lilico and other people were obsessed with beauty. Suicide, because they couldn't afford to lose their new look. They would rather die beautiful than live. Lilico is fucked up in her own way, yet her actions' main motivation is because of the delicious power she has from her perfected beautiful appearance. Fame, a rich guy who is obsessed with her, money, easy manipulation of others. She wanted it all. She wants to be what everyone wants, and just from her monologues, you can tell she hated every single minute of it, especially in the manga. She treated herself like a perfect product no one should ever dare to one up, yet she knew she was just a product, that her market value will end eventually. That girl went bat shit crazy. She was addicted to the good stuff her socially praised beauty was. It is obviously not worth it!

Oh here is one too: ageism. Look, it is well and alive before so is today. The amount of males who told me women have a ticking clock of attractiveness is frustratingly high and even exists in younger generations. Age is the number of years you have been alive on this earth, not a set of intervals of attractiveness.

Like what the detective said: "Youth is beautiful but not inherently beauty". You know what you get with age? Wisdom, even more beauty, journeys of epics and living life to the fullest.

Look at the Golden Girls. If you ever have a chance to watch that show, you find that dating at an older age is great and sometimes rocky, like any type of dating. Their age in that show is supposed to be around 50 to 60, and they were ACTIVELY DATING. They even tackled the insecurities of being older, having wrinkles, a hanging stomach, and being unattractive, and it is always countered. It isn't true what they say, that you are attractive at only a certain age. Honestly, I prefer the type of dating in an older age. You MOSTLY know what you want from the other, and because you have gone through a lot already, it's faster to move on. Also, these ladies mostly dated men AROUND THEIR AGE. Now, this is important too. Males have told me that men just age better with time, and that's not true at all. It depends heavily on each individual, irregardless of age and gender. The Golden Girls dated handsome men, overweight men, men of different races and religions, average men, etc. They like to get to know the person (Blanch, though, is so hyperactive, so maybe not always getting to know them for who they are, but she does value traditional dating) because that is way more valuable than their looks.

Lilico didn't even like anyone, not even herself. Probably just her sister, she loves her but well she is Lilico so toxic af. Sex is not even making love to her, it's a business transaction, a tool for manipulation, and a means to an end. That's fucked up.

Let's this be a cautionary tale: achieving society's beauty will never be worth it.

I discussed said toxic beauty standards. Now, let's move one ahead with the toxicity of perfectionism.

Black Swan: There is No "Perfect"

Perfect? No, she was brilliant, but she was never "perfect". Perfectionism is so toxic in itself already, I know because I used to participate in it too.

I wanted to be perfect in writing the best, it didn't matter to me if I was not on the top ten highest grades in class, as long as I am the best in that one thing I am good at. However, my story is not close enough to Nina's extremely perfectionist behaviour, so I will share one that is closer to that tale as well as the point the movie and I am trying to make.

I am Asian (Filipino) and just from above, I can say that that really is the school system here, yes being a nerd is normal and being the TOP NERD was so important, I saw people broke down because they didn't win at a class competition. Toxic, right? Self-worth was associated with how good you are at academics and those over-achieving people envy others who had it easy. I was one of those who didn't struggle with academics as much, I got good grades , even when I didn't study. University did humble me, of course. Still, it doesn't bother me if I got a bad grade or a good grade. But the comments I hear from the one who worked hard to be "the best", damn. I once had a classmate who really wanted the best record in her academics. She was obsessed with it. Losing sleep, losing patience, and losing her mental health, basically. I did ask her once when she was stressing about not getting in a higher rank in the top ten, I asked her : "Does it matter?"I didn't mean it as a serious thing, but it came out like that because she replied,"It matters to me. " The tone was "I want to win." Look, her hardworking personality is ENOUGH to get her a job (she really wanted a job to get out of the house), I just wish she wasn't stressing out about winning so much. Back then, I remember her being in a bad mood, because she didn't sleep working on a project or she had a bad group mate (to be fair to her, everyone hated that person for good reason). She was ENOUGH, and I hope she sees that about herself now.

I think sacrifice is discussed a lot when talking about toxic perfectionism but behaviour from the get go isn't talked about enough.

Nina Sawyers is an example of the bad behaviour of any toxic perfectionist. She would do ANYTHING to get to the top. She tried to seduce the director to get the part she wanted, she would sabotage Lily who was friendly to her all through out as a person wanting to steal her part, she would do anything that it literally messed with her head, that her fate was her karma. She was jealous, envious and had no GOOD DAY unless SHE WAS THE PERFECT ONE. She loved the praise but couldn't handle anything less.

Nina needs to cut her mother out of her life, go out and actually have fun, and have friends who she doesn't see as competition. She needs to be friends with her peers of the same interest, too. God, that girl has no friends. She is too busy with her craft, and also, her mom is overbearing, which probably drove her to isolate from others.

One other thing, like in Helter Skelter, Nina sees her skill as a marketable tool that puts her above the rest, which is also why she is so paranoid when the director keeps comparing her to Lily, feeling threatened to be replaced. The director is an asshole, but it is pretty clear that those comparisons were meant to constructive criticism, though he needed to work on that bad delivery, also I think he was unconsciously and consciously manipulative of his muses in general. The past "Oddette", before Nina, probably experienced all the build-up paranoia that led her to extreme actions such as aggressively confronting Nina and stabbing herself in the face.

No person should ever feel like they are replaceable because they are worthless. No one should ever feel like they have to be the best because that's the only way that makes them worthy. You are worthy, nonetheless of your skill.

The Conclusion: You Are Never Enough For Them, You Are Enough For You

I know I discussed Nina and Lilico as cautionary tales, but we also to acknowledge the society that drove them to that point. We, as a society, glamorize the best of what we see: skill, craft, art, beauty, age and etc. We failed to acknowledge that we are putting impossible pedestals on them. We treat "good" things as if that is what should be good. We really failed to SEE BEAUTY AND GOOD IN OTHER THINGS.

Lilico was bullied for being fat, fetishised for being fat, and praised for being perfectly beautiful. Then, she is shamed for her past.

Society really ruined her.

As for Nina, she was always praised for being perfect, yet she had no friends because she saw them as a competition. Her over bearing mother would put her down (I saw more moments of her downplaying her skill, though in hindsight, rather than actually celebrating and supporting) .That is a factor as to why she thrived in praise so much in ballet. That is where she could be loved and FREE.

Her mother failed her, and the perfectionism ruined her.

Do not ever go to that point where you find yourself going crazy over an unreachable height. Be kind to yourself, so someone is comparing to other people? wow, aren't they someone who notices too much, that person has no life to live. Also, don't do that to yourself, don't be the loser who always looks down on others, who compares themselves to greater people because they are not enough, that is not a habit you want lingering.

I also was a person who compared themselves often to others, guess where I got that from? My flesh and blood: my mother. I still remember it, she compared me to a good friend of mine and it led me to compare myself to everyone. It was ONE passive-aggressive comment. I hated it so much, and I never did that to anyone.

I learned that I hated that feeling whenever someone does it to themselves or others to that to me, I take offence and say that that is such a sorry way to think then I realized I was like that. I had friends like that, and guess what? the Habit is still here, but I now combat it because I have no friends who do that to themsleves or others. I was done with that mentality.

I don't like it, so why should I linger in that energy?

Now, I implore you to really look at the bigger picture, think and do what is truly best for you, no matter what others say.

[thefinalcinderella]

Tsurune Book 3 Afterword

Full list of translations here

Time for my unsolicited book review!

Tsurune Book 3 is one of the books of all time.

I'm not trying to be funny, that is my true opinion about this book.

I've said before that it feels like the author was forced to write this book in a hurry, and after finishing it, I can only say that those feelings have only grown stronger. I think the author was going for an abstract and spiritual feeling but it didn't really work out. It only made the story hard to follow, and the tendency for the novel to jump from topic to topic seemingly at random didn't help. It's probably super obvious in the author's head, but that doesn't matter if the reader can't follow their thinking. I really do question what the editors are doing because I'm not sure if they're giving the author proper feedback.

The novel also suffers from trying to do a lot but not doing any of it satisfactorily. It introduced a lot of new characters and plot points but never really did anything with them?? The new first-years faded out of the story after the beginning and idek what's going on with Kuon. As for the new school Haneina...the author just gave them one """quirky""" trait each and called it a day. It kinda happened with Tsujimine too but it was more subtle with them, and I think the central relationship of Nikaidou and Fuwa was compelling and well-written. Asahina and Eddie, on the other hand, are just really weird?? I honestly don't understand what their narrative role is supposed to be??

This might be a controversial opinion but I feel like the anime tells a more coherent, polished version of the story. I was rewatching it the other day and I was kind of blown away by how the visual quality improved between the seasons. S1 was definitely not bad looking but S2 is just *chef's kiss*. Idk if there's going be an S3 but it will be interesting to see how (or if) they adapt book 3

Anyways i don't want to say that book 3 is kinda pointless since it did give us some reveals (perhaps unnecessarily) but on the other hand...i feel like book 2 had a nice ending for the series as a whole as well? idk. if there is going to be a book 4, i hope it will be all about Kazemai hunting down Masa-san's bio dad

Thanks for following along with me! I know I've been really slow with this so im glad people are still interested haha

Previous |

This happened when I was reading a certain foreign novel’s translated version. As I was reading through the point of view of a character whose first-person pronoun was “私” (watashi), I came across a surprising description. To my surprise, the character I thought was a woman suddenly started to shave their beard. Later, I learned that there was an unspoken rule that men used “watashi” written in kanji, and women used “watashi” written in katakana.

Minato’s personal pronoun is “ore” in hiragana. It encompasses the meaning of “undifferentiated,” someone of unknown gender who is neither male or female, although his physical body is that of a boy. Nanao’s pronoun is “ore” written in katakana, a person of unknown nationality who can’t be classified as either Japanese or foreign, a person who wavers between the two, a hybrid existence that crosses that line. Takigawa Masaki is also someone who hovers between “human” and “not human,” so his name is written as “Masa-san” (マサさん) in the text. Shuu is also a character who is in between.

I’m attracted to such “fluctuating” and “swaying” things. Things that can’t fixed or distinguished in form or state, as changeable as “water.” Kaleidoscopic freedom and loneliness are two sides of the same coin. People who fluctuate cannot stay in one place, and instability follows. Because they can’t be classified, they do not belong anywhere, nor can they be emphasized with. I wanted to somehow hold back those who can’t stop walking. I wrote this story because I wanted them by my side.

Changing the topic, I was on my way home from a domestic trip. After spending a relaxing time listening to the chirping of birds on an isolated island, I heard a large explosion sound when I got off at a certain station in Tokyo. The warning signal of a train entering the station continued to sound, and announcements reverberated from all over. I forgot to bring my earphones, so I was unable to plug my ears and ran all the way to the edge of the platform. Glowing neon lights reflected diffusely, and the words on billboards and other signs crowded in my field of vision like a herd of horses. I almost thought that I had time travelled back to wartime. We had become so accustomed to the flood of sound, light, and text that we don’t realize we’re on the verge of drowning.

Tsurune is the story of masters and disciples and bow friends with the theme of rebirth, and it began as the story of seven archers. The theme of Volume 3 is “Meigen, that is the sound of the dawn,” and I wrote about shari kenshou (seeing true nature through the shot).

I would like to express my sincere gratitude to everyone involved in the making of this book: Koyama Kyugu-sama, who I’ve interviewed, T-sama of the KA Esuma Bunko Editorial Department, Kyoto Animation-sama who was in charge of illustrations, the proofreaders, the novel’s official website, the printing company, and the distributors. The letters I’ve received are my treasures, and I have displayed them in my tokonoma alcove. I would like to thank my beloved kyudo teachers and bow friends, my precious friends, and my supportive family.

Last but not least, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to all the readers who have read this far.

I hope for the day when the beautiful tsurune of the archers will resound.

Ayano Kotoko

Spring 2022

Previous |

[blood-choke]

hi! i have a question, but before that i just wanted to thank you for giving such amazing sapphic rep in both of your games. as someone who's sapphic (Im a bi girlie) I'm always a little bit disappointed when the female sapphic characters are given not as much thought even when it comes to both female gender locked ros and the female/nb counterparts of gender selectable characters in comparison to the male characters/male counterparts of gender selectable characters in other ifs. i absolutely adore both of your games and the fact that you take such great care with each of the characters' identities, even if they share the same sexuality or gender, they express their gender and sexuality in different ways and i also love the stud rep with hana. And I love that your gender selectable ros in tnp present in a similar way regardless of gender, yet there are still differences in the way that they express it or experience it. my first language isn't English so if i get any terminology wrong please lmk. ❤️

as for my question I was wondering what your thoughts were regarding sapphic ros in IF. do you think gender selectability could be used in a better way to explore a characters' identity in some circumstances. i am curious as to what you think regarding gender locked and gender selectability especially regarding to female/nb ros. i always love to hear your thoughts on different topic so i thought i would ask. ❤️❤️

thank you so much! 💗 now, get ready for a really long-winded response!

honestly, my opinion on genderselectable ROs tends to fluctuate. it's kinda a love/hate relationship, hahaha. there are a lot of games that i think do a fine job handling it, and overall i prefer having the option as a lesbian because typically we don't… get sapphic/gay female characters… like, at all.

now for my controversial opinion: i don't really think most of these female genderselectable characters are actually sapphic. they're just playersexual. and this goes for the opposite, as well, for the male versions. they're not gay or bi they're just playersexual. genderselectable characters can only work if the author is willing to make an effort & flesh out both/all versions of a character as well as acknowledge their sexuality. if one version of the character is meant to be a bisexual woman, then you should be writing her as a bisexual woman. unfortunately i'm sad to say i've seen more than one author publicly admit that this is "too much work," but i suppose i can commend them for being honest about it…

it's been interesting to see this kind of stuff in the IF tag recently. for a while it seemed like we were actually moving more towards favoring genderlocked characters, with set sexualities, and then suddenly it feels like we've ended up in a worse spot than we used to be. i see some really egregious gender essentialism with some genderselectable ROs, down to even their sense of fashion and tattoos changing so the female version can be more feminine and dainty. it's very bizarre, and i really, really do not like it.

i don't necessarily think it's a bad thing for selectable characters to be different. it makes sense in some cases, like if you had a character that was gender nonconforming in all variations. it would make sense that their clothes would be different and their experiences would be different. i even think it can be interesting to explore how certain characters are affected differently by society because of their gender. if you had a character like Lea that existed in a misogynistic society like ours, their experience as a butch would be very different from their experience as a masculine trans man or androgynous nb person… and they would also share a lot of similar experiences, too! but this is not what i usually see. it's usually just… woman: wears pink, is shorter and skinnier, has long hair. man: wears blue, is big and muscular, has short hair. nonbinary (if there even is a nb variation): thin and androgynous artbreeder mashup of the other two. and then in every other aspect they are the same. unfortunately, that's as far as some authors are willing to take it. the rare times i do see someone add in differences it's always just the female version experiencing some form of misogyny that her male counterpart does not, with very little elaboration or reflection.

i don't really think i need to explain why that kind of characterization is a problem.

i do think there is a lot of potential with the gender selection mechanic. i've tried to do something interesting with Lea, and i like to think i've been successful with it. but in my honest opinion, if you want to write a story about gay and/or sapphic characters, you should just genderlock them. for one, the IF audience at large is always going to favor the male version of your character. that is just a fact. if your only female or nb characters are selectable, they will be erased by the wider IF audience. i know this sounds kind of cynical, but this is my honest opinion & my experience as someone who has been involved in this community for almost four years now.

i think if you are someone who is setting out with the intention of writing a sapphic RO, you are doing them a disservice by making them genderselectable. just genderlock them! you may get people that complain, but they can suck it up or go play something else. and i don't think i need to tell you this but just to be clear, genderlocking gay or trans characters is not the same as a game with an all straight or all cis cast. it just simply is not. cis, straight, & white people are already considered the "default." most games already cater to this demographic. it is not the same to genderlock or even lock your characters race or ethnicity to something other than cis, straight, or white. cis, straight, white people are not a minority. you are not underrepresented. there are millions of games out there for you to play. & it's irritating when people pretend like someone getting upset at the exclusion of gay people (or any other minority, for that matter) from a game is somehow comparable to another game "excluding" straight people (or white people, or cis people). arguing this is just blatantly ignoring the reality of our misogynistic, racist, homophobic & transphobic society. again, straight people are not underrepresented. you are automatically included in almost everything except the gay media that gay people create themselves.

gay women especially are repeatedly left out of IF. unless you want to go read yuri VNs (which, no offense, don't really do it for me most of the time) you're pretty much shit out of luck. there are very few lesbian ROs out there, fewer gnc women, almost no butches and definitely no studs that i've seen in this specific tumblr/cog IF space.

so all of this to say, if you do really want to make your characters genderselectable, then just take your time with it. really think about how their gender may change their experiences within the world of your game. does it change anything at all? maybe not. there does not need to be a drastic difference at all if it's not applicable. don't loop back around into gender essentialism. but you should still think about it, and consider what the gender selectable mechanic can offer as a narrative and characterization tool.

what is my plan for this character? what am i trying to accomplish with them and their story? does making them genderselectable add to that narrative or does it hinder it? how can i explore the potential differences between these versions of this character without falling into and reinforcing harmful stereotypes? how does their sexuality impact their experience? i think these are some of the questions authors should ask themselves when deciding if they want to make their characters genderselectable.

[proxythe]

Any headcanons for the sees members?

Also plus piercing/ lgbt hcs as well 🫣

yessuh let me think … u gotta stay with me here bc i’m so bad at just thinking of regular headcanons

- im ngl ive been big into aki being a glasses wearer lately … like he seriously needs them but never wears them. just stubborn and blind as hell

- this is a popular one but i feel like i haven’t said it in a while: minato & kotone being twins. they obviously look nothing alike canonically but i try to give them very similar features when i draw them (like their nose and mouth) as well as a little beauty mark by their lip

- i love aigis wearing kotone’s clothes. i usually draw this represented by aigis wearing pink to imply its not her own clothes (cuz we all know she normally loves a blue outfit) but i think it’s super cute to imagine. oh & in general i like to give aigis a lot of baggy casual clothes instead of her usual dresses and whatnot. i just like to picture all of sees fashion senses rubbing off on her in different ways

- yukari is scared of ghosts but not horror movies, while junpei doesn’t believe in ghosts but horror movies scare him. im not sure at all if horror is ever brought up honestly i can’t remember but i always thought it would be funny that yukari is so jumpy about ghosts but she’s unimpressed with horror movies, while junpei teases her about ghosts but then a horror movie will have him up scared for a week. trust, he stays denying it scared him

to not make this long as hell, i’ll stop there and get to the rest of ur ask… cutting it bc i always feel like a long ass post will look so cluttered

for my lgbt hcs i kinda fluctuate but its fine:

minato/kotone: bisexual … basically canon for kotone, but i see it for minato as well. i’m pretty open to any kotone gender hc, i personally never thought about it for her. minato tho i think i mainly enjoy nonbinary or transfem minato 😭 but it still is the same that im pretty open to any gender hcs for him as well

yukari: lesbian. immediate answer. i’ve brought this up before feels like forever ago but i am a transmasc yukari enjoyer. it sucks because when i thought about it the first time i remember i had a really big explanation for it that had me hype as hell but now i can’t remember and i just passively enjoy it LOL

junpei: he’s all over the place. i think the cishet ally junpei is really funny just bc it makes me laugh when the whole lgbt friend group just has the one straight guy BUT i also enjoy junmina in every sense so i think i dabble in a little bisexual junpei sometimes …

fuuka: she kinda just gives me unlabeled vibes in sexuality. i had an initial sexuality hc for her but junfuuka started growing on me so i changed it in my head … but i really really love trans girl fuuka i think it’s one of my fav hcs for her <3

akihiko: i feel like i view him gay but i also refer to him as bisexual when i think it’s funny LMFAOOO one thing i keep consistent is that i think he’s trans. basically canon to me. i know the boobs and gorgeous face combo throw some people off but i never imagined he’d want to cut them off so i don’t depict that

mitsuru: lesbian & trans woman. i think oomfs have made transmasc mitsuru grow on me too but i personally mainly view her as a trans woman. also basically canon to me. it’s another one that just comes so naturally that i forget it’s not true

shinji: i don’t imagine he would really care about labels. i think he’d fall in line with being a guy, he/him, whatever but like deep down i don’t think he’d really give af. same with sexuality. he likes who he likes i don’t think he’d make a big deal of it. his gender and sexuality is summed up to “i got bigger things to worry about than this”

LMFAOOO sorry long ass section but for piercings i think it’ll be shorter STAY WITH ME!!!!!!! tbh i think most would just be a normal ass ear piercing so i’m sorry in advance …

- first off… i can see yukari and mitsuru with regular ear piercings. yukari maybe a cunty belly button piercing but i think only like post canon/p4au yukari would get it tbh

- mitsuru with a nose piercing maybe … i honestly can’t imagine mitsuru would ever have many besides the regular ear ones but i can see her with like a stud… i feel like it’s one of those piercings a person would never realize she had unless they looked really close at her face. it’s on her emo bang side so it gets covered

- i can actually imagine junpei with some normal ass ear piercings. but that’s as far as he’d go bc i think the piercing gun/needle would make him cry a lil bit

- kotone seems like she’d do ears as well 😭 if im leaning into a Way more emo minato then i can actually see him with a few like ears/lips/etc. but regular him i don’t think he’d do any … im so sorry omg

- i draw/imagine shinji without any but ive seen people depict him with a tongue piercing before. i lowkey fw it. it’s hidden so i think he’d like something like that … otherwise i can’t imagine him with much

i’m sorry from the bottom of my heart for the lackluster piercing hcs bc i also enjoy piercings a lot visually but realistically i felt like sees wouldn’t really do much 😭😭 they’re too boring !!!

anyways this was long as hell but super fun so thank you for asking !!! i love going to my mind place

[starocide]

Oho you can't reply that and walk away now! Gimme YOUR unib gender opinions! I wanna see the whole tier list! All the nuance! Gimme food for thought :3 pretty please

Okay hi sorry for the late response but since I have many thoughts on this subject there is no tier list. Otherwise the tiers would be too long. Under the cut... my thoughts will lie.

HYDE KIDO

Could go either way with the guy that started it all. Personal opinion is leaning towards cis for now but trans Hyde will always be in my heart due to a certain friend of mine. And while not a gender identity, he is also half Canadian.

LINNE

Going on T could save Linne but she would stay with she/her out of convenience. Otherwise? only cis because it's what she's always been.

WALDSTEIN

Cis. And old.

CARMINE PRIME

Michael Menstruation. Period Patrick. Theodore Tampon. Many nicknames this guy has. Either way is really funny but I'm leaning towards transmasc for now. But who knows! This may change...

ORIE BALLARDIAE HARADA

Need I say more? I don't think I do. Trans girl.

GORDEAU T. HARVESTER

One of the most cisgender guys to ever do it

MERKAVA

"While he was alive, he was… a man, probably. Well, just like his body has changed, so has his voice. It's still too early to discard the possibility that he could be a girl."

As close as we got to a canon trans(masc) character.

VATISTA

Prototype versions of Vatista's design were written to have no conception of gender and I'm choosing to carry it over to her incarnation we know and love. Nonbinaryyyyy

SETH

Going on E could save Seth I think. But regardless there's no need for gender if all you do is kill and whatnot.

YUZURIHA SOUGETSU

Cis+, probably? But I'm willing to change my mind on that.

HILDA THE PARADOX

Insane levels of cis woman radiating from her. It is PALPABLE.

KEI "CHAOS" ASUMA

(points) CIS. But I honestly don't mind trans Chaos.

NANASE

Constantly fluctuating, if I am being honest. I wrote a fic in which she was implied cis but I also kept that ambiguous enough that it can be interpreted in other ways. Either way I love you girlie more than the writers ever will.

BYAKUYA

Maybe he'll get rid of his gender when he feels better. Right now? Kill feast and rest ad infinitum.

PHONON

This character. Thiiiiiiis character. I am so normal about her. Her name literally sounds like "pronoun". No way in hell she's cis. Nonbinary 4ever and ever.

MIKA RETURNA

She literally wears a binder but I don't think she even knows what gender is.

MIYASHIRO ERIKA WAGNER

Erika is EXTREMELY cis girl to me. She loves her trans girlfriend though.

GAIEN "ENKIDU" ENKIDOU

Coolest guy in the game. I think trans Enkidu is cool but I think he's cis myself. Not that he cares about gender that much.

LONDREKIA LIGHT

No one comes out of the womb with a name that has part of the onomatopoeia for something that matches their special magic power. Trans guy but nobody is allowed to know about it.

TSURUGI

Cis. But a good ally nonetheless! Has "Hey girl I mean they"d Phonon on accident once.

KAGUYA JINGUU

Transfem as fuck just look at this multiple year difference. No way this woman is cis.

^ This is Londrekia and her. Trust me.

KUON THE ETERNAL

Being nonbinary could save him but he either doesn't know what that is or thinks he's too old for that.

UZUKI

She killed her gender and resurrected it as something more cool and goth. Nonbinary but in a girl-adjacent way.

OGRE

Butch nonbinary lesbian or cishet man and I can't decide which. It differs between days.

IZUMI

I mean... her EXS ability is literally called "Transition". You know what that means!

BONUS ROUND

Lex is Nonbinary but doesn't know it yet. Either Strix or Zohar are cis but not both of them. Azel is like a boy-shaped apparition. Kuu is kuunonically devoid of gender. Adelheid is the first cisgender woman ever.

Well, thanks for reading all the way through! This sure was a hell of a lot to type. But I love rambling about this game so it's okay in the end.

[sharpth1ng]

I don't know if you remember but I'm the trans guy who asked if there'll be a cis version for the sequel cause he couldn't read the trans version due to some heavy body dysmorphia going on.

Soooo update I finally am able to read the trans version... You probably don't remember but the way you responded helped me a lot to come to terms with the way my body looks right now and that I can still be a man, even like this.

(Tbh for the longest time I thought I was a transphobic woman bc trans characters who hadn't transitioned gave me panic attacks and it's kinda funny in retrospect lol I was just dumb)

And I dunno I just needed you to know that you wrote that beautifully and I'm so relived and happy to be kinda content right now. I haven't felt this good about me... Ever?

And I just read the christmas scene and Stu saw Billy naked for the first time and... And he just wants and loves Billy exactly the way he is and that was so... Healing. (honestly am totally in love with your Stu anyway but this really sealed the deal).

Long story short I have been crying for 30 minutes now. Honestly tears of joy and relief. Thank you!

(I hope you don't mind me telling you this)

Hey dude I definitely remember you! Your ask was important to me, honestly, transmascs like you are some of the people this fic is for. To be clear its for everyone, but the whole reason I wrote two versions was because of my own fluctuating relationship with dysphoria. I understand why you weren't feeling ok to read the trans version, and I'm glad it ended up being a healing experience for you, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear that.

And just as a side note I don't think it dumb you were afraid you were just a transphobic woman. I think it's really easy to internalize transphobia especially when you're still processing your identity. Transphobia is everywhere and it's unquestioned, and in a lot of cases it's more accessible than trans rhetoric that's positive and affirming. I would argue that transphobia has a major presence in a lot of trans communities too honestly, that's what trans-medicalism is.

The reality is our bodies aren't worse than cis bodies, they aren't less attractive. They're just different, but the world acts like it's a fucking tragedy to have to cut your tits off and take hormones, and that's bullshit. I'm a much more attractive trans dude than I was a cis woman. Do I still have a complicated relationship with parts of my body? Yes. Do I still have dysphoria? Yes. But so do cis people.

I wrote the trans version specifically because I wasn't seeing a lot of transmasc representation (in fic or other media) that felt true and affirming to me- not that the other stuff can't be affirming to other transmascs, just I wasn't finding stuff that felt like a positive version of my own experience.

I think theres a tendency to focus on body, dysphoria, and insecurity in trans fiction in a way that isn't untrue, but also which doesn't give me the ability to engage in fun smut the same way I feel cis people get to. Cis people can be insecure about their bodies in lots of ways, I'd argue cis people also experience gender dysphoria (think cis women with small chests, cis men who have breasts or smaller penises, ect.), but it's not nearly as common for sexual depictions of them in fiction to focus on those insecurities, and on navigating the way other people react to their bodies ahead of the actual smut.

The other place I see this happening is with sexual depictions of fat people and disabled people. Our bodies and minds are positioned as barriers in sexual situations, and while realistically we may have things to navigate that cis, thin or able bodied people don't, that doesn't mean those barriers need to be centered in erotica that involves us. Cis, thin, able bodied people have insecurities and sexual hang-ups too, so why do they get to be written as having fun, positive sex without centering those things when we don't? To me it positions transness, fatness, and disability as inherently being a barrier to positive sexuality and I just think that's unrealistic.

I'm rambling but all that is to say, this has been healing to me too. We deserve depictions of ourselves that acknowledge the differences and barriers we do have (like, Billy is still scared about coming out, it's hard for him to do, thats a barrier) without making them the whole experience.

I'm really glad you're feeling better about things, and i'm really, really fucking touched that my writing could be a part of that 🖤

[bisexualsanada]

Thoughts for the day. Thinking a bit more about... well, a few things, at least. Mostly deciding like, my digisona (a digimon that I'd use to represent me) would be a DORUmon, whilst the line I'd want associated with me as a Tamer is like, the Diaboromon line.

Thinking about sonas and how I want the world to view me can be an interesting time, at least. Whilst I happily consider myself a furry, it's not like I have a specific fursona, and I have two differing things already that I kinda just want to be considered Me, to an extent. My actual like... I'm still not sure how I'd describe it, but the model I was using during my brief streaming stint, that I like to use to represent myself (drawn by my lovely boyfriend). Then, of course, there's Sparky, who toes the line between 'OC who I just want to use in everything' and 'but like, she's kinda really an idealized Me, huh?'.

It's not like there's anything stopping me from representing myself in a hundred ways, of course, it's just thoughts, more than anything. Whilst my interest in things waxes and wanes, digimon really will always be there for me, and in the back of my thoughts; It only makes sense for it to, at least in some form, be a part of my existence in digital spaces.

... Honestly, I'm not sure what this post is for. Spilling my thoughts out, at least, is what tumblr is for to an extent though, so I may as well.

(I'm not even getting into the whole layer of, 'I'm feeling more okay with exploring a feminine presentation and identity as a whole but also wanting to do that on a platform whose current history with that is being incredibly awful doesn't feel like a great mix', tbh. It's not like I need any one solid gender either way, and my enjoyment of being perceived one way or another tends to fluctuate.)

[officiallyashley]

BNHA HEADCANONS— bakusquad sexuality headcanons

NOTES: these are purely my opinions. There’s no judgment if you disagree, kk? Kk. Cool.

{~~~}

MINA:

- she/her and they/them pronouns are for her! 

- Polyamorous 😝🤙🏻

- I definitely struggled with coming to a conclusion with her 

- But now I think i finally got it 

- I think Mina is pansexual. She definitely gives me those vibes. 

- Demiromantic vibes as well!

KAMINARI:

- my guy is a disaster bi along with Sero 🤧🖐🏻

- I can also see discount Pikachu over here being Omnisexual with a preference towards female/feminine-leaning people. 

- I can vibe with either of these headcanons tbh 

- He/him and they/them for his pronouns 

- Polyamorous 💅🏿😜

JIRO:

- I can see Jiro as a lesbian or bisexual

- I can also see her being on the asexual spectrum 

- The more I think about it, though, the more I feel that Jiro gives off bisexual vibes 

- As for the asexual spectrum term, I can see her being maybe demisexual

- Uses she/her and they/them pronouns 

- Polyamorous 😎😎

KATSUKI:

- I can see Katsubae as a demiromantic 

- Polyamorous 👌🏽

- Katsu uses He/him pronouns

- I see Kats being panromantic, as well 

- Definitely gives me bisexual vibes 

SERO: 

- disaster bisexual with my boy Denki 🤪👏🏼

- Asexual. I have no explanation. He just gives me those vibes.

- He/him and they/them are the pronouns he primarily uses. 

- Honestly, I can see Sero not really caring that much when it comes to what pronouns are used, but he mainly uses he/him and they/them. 

- Poly👏🏼amor👏🏼ous👏🏼

- I’m trying to think of anything else I can see Sero vibing with, but I think that’s it. 

KIRISHIMA:

- he/him pronouns 

- Polyamorous 💪🏼

- Kk I was really stumped as to what sexuality I thought Kiri was

- Like I had to think on this for days oop— 🥸🥸

- But I think I finally came to a conclusion

- I see him as pansexual

- Kiri uses he/him pronouns as well :)

- I’m trying to think of any other terms rn but I can’t think of anything else

ASHLEY:

- Mainly uses she/her and they/them but is down for any pronouns tbh (except for it/its pronouns. She doesn’t vibe with those pronouns.) 

- Greyromantic. Ashley knew that she was somewhere on the Aromantic spectrum, and it took a while to realize that she was greyromantic. At first, she thought she was fully aromantic, but when she discovered greyromantic as a term, everything just clicked for Ash. 

- Polyamorous 😜

- She’s definitely greysexual. It took her a bit to distinguish whether or not she was demisexual or greysexual, but she figured it out 

- Panromantic. Deep down, she kind of always kind of knew she was panromantic. 

- She’s also demiflux! So the female part of her gender is static, while the other part of her gender fluctuates. 

- Yeah, my girl is a whole damn fruitcake. Ash is a fucking fruit salad

𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 © 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐥𝐞𝐲 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑. 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐚. 𝐢 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐬, 𝐞𝐭𝐜. 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐟���𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐥.

[multigenderswag]

multigender ask: how did yo ufigure out youre multigender? are you like . ugh how to words. multigenderfluid? multiple genders but feel them more or less at different times? tell me everything

Ah, my multigender realization story! It's a long one. It started almost three years ago and was quite the roller coaster of gender crises and confused screaming.

My best friend came out to me as nonbinary in April 2020 and that got me thinking "hmm, maybe I'm not cis..." because it made me realize that was an option. I spent a while trying to repress the questioning, and then a little while longer being very confused. Because I was uncomfortable with being a cis girl, and I wanted to be a different gender, but I also didn't want to NOT be a girl. At the time, I did not know being multiple genders was a thing.

Towards the end of 2020 I realized it was possible to use more than one set of pronouns, and I began experimenting with my own pronouns. I used a lot of combinations and a lot of neopronouns and spent a while identifying as genderfluid. I started using all pronouns in August(?) of 2021.

Some time at the end of the year, I discovered that I got euphoria from using multiple gender labels at once and tentatively began using the label multigender. After a few months of experimentation I settled on that label around February, and changed my pronouns to he/she that June.

The euphoria from being multiple genders helped me figure it out, but honestly dysphoria helped me more. (Which is not the case for everyone! Dysphoria just seems to be a stronger indicator of my own gender.) I hate the thought of being a "non man," but also the thought of restricting myself to only one gender.

I wouldn't really consider my gender to be fluid? Maybe flux? My dysphoria fluctuates in intensity, which is what led me to identify as genderfluid for a while, but I don't think my gender itself changes. The male gender is definitely static, and the femaleish gender might be flux but I don't label it.

Thanks for the ask!

[orphic-exe-archived]

(SRRY THIS IS A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE WHEN WRITING. TAKE UR TIME ) (Taking “ask as many questions as you like” and running with it /silly) same anon from before again again. idk kind of rant incoming bcuz i don’t much much of anywhere else to! im sort of questioning being plural but with a big question mark there bcuz it could honestly just be my gender changing too much and the identity crisis 💔 and i feel like for every symptom i have there’s at least 2 more i dont. my gender fluctuates enough already but sometimes specific genders or pronouns seem to come with certain name preferences and moods (to which I’ve always referred to as different “vibes” because that’s the only way i figured to describe things). but each of these sort of “vibes” have started to actually feel like different ppl and ive started to mess around with acknowledging them separately and it does feel nice. im also realizing that even though i don’t hear any distinct voices or anything in my mind, when i think to myself it’s more of actual back and forth conversation than is normal from what ive asked some friends? i never have amnesia at all (other than the usual forgetfulness i have which is very minor) but sometimes ill do things that don’t feel like. myself? like ill forget I drew/posted/wrote something for a bit but when I see it again i remember. and I know i did it, I was there, doing it, even though i feel like it wasn’t me. and not like im not in control of my body when I do it either cuz I very much remember doing it i just dont see why or what my thought process was. i have a whiteboard in my room where I’ve started making doodles of whatever feels like “myself” at any certain time and they’re all kind of similar but still feel like distinct. ppl. and again i physically remember drawing the other ones but it’s still weird. but most of this is just me I guess, because I don’t think i ever act particularly different online or irl around other ppl, it’s always just things i observe when im alone. i also know i have problems with symptoms of things I think I might have only appearing after I overthink it but maybeeeeeee it’s just im noticing it more? probably not. oh also before I forget I’ve also never actually dissociated or anything (at least to my understanding of an out of body experience type of thing. (Well actually I did once and remember it very clearly but that was several years ago when I hadn’t slept for much longer than usual)). its just normal zoning out for me i guess. anyways idk where i was rlly going with this and ik everyone’s experiences r different and obviously strangers on the internet can’t diagnose me with anything but I just wanted to say something ^-^ thank u for reading if u did lol

hey man! i can get that it’s stressful to figure all this out. if it helps, our experiences are pretty similar! our syscovery started with name preferences, feeling really different, and pronoun/gender identity preferences fluctuating. it sounds to me like you could very well be plural!

like you said, i can’t diagnose you with anything. however, there are some ways to try and log your headmates/alters/parts (whatever you’d prefer them called)! for example, the website simplyplural (we don’t use but many systems do) or the pluralkit bot on discord (if you use discord!) these softwares can do things like track your switches, log your headmates with names, pronouns, and descriptions, and more.

there’s no harm in giving those helpful resources a try, especially if you’re seriously considering this possibility. if you have a therapist/some form of professional help, it would be really good to bring these feelings up with them as well.

for now, keep doing what you’re already doing, possibly dabble in simplyplural or pluralkit (or another resource i didn’t list — any notes app could work as well)

i’m gonna start calling you “system questioning anon” in case you have any more questions to send me, as long as you don’t mind!

i also have to apologize— all three of these asks were answered by three different headmates (kumo, oliver, and myself (olly) in chronological order.)

[gender-buddies]

Artist commentary for Phase Eight!

Neutral: When thinking of neutrality, I think of something that is baseline. Something simple or rudimentary. I think a simple lifeform that glides rather than using powered flight works really well for this. I was going to make this more of a bird that glides, but I have plenty of birds. A gliding manta-like animal is a lot more interesting, and I wouldn’t want to give even gender neutrality a boring creature to represent it.

Genderflux: Fluctuation makes me think of “spikes” of gender, so I went literal with this one and made a Buddy that has spikes all over it. It’s a lump of iron pyrite (Fool’s Gold) with crystalline structures jutting out of it. Sometimes I veer off into the real-world inspired animal route and forget to pull it back and incorporate more designs based on non-living things - rocks, plants, robots, etc. This was my way to balance things out for the Basic level Buddies.

Transneutral: Not my favorite design, honestly. I wanted it to be more obviously mammalian to fit in with Transmasculine and Transfeminine, but it ended up looking a little weird. The biggest thing I dislike are the colors, but the flag colors were a little hard to work with. I should have leaned it more toward an ungulate again, with the body color a little more… natural? I don’t know. I wish it could have been brown or white or tan. Something neutral but convincing. The fins along its back were meant to incorporate design elements from Neutral.

Girlflux: Again, with fluctuations in mind, I drew spines on this Buddy to represent that. It’s slightly based on a pangolin with some spiny plant inspiration, sort of like a dragon fruit. The colors are okay, but I should have made it more like a dragon fruit and colored the body red instead. I do like the overall shape though.

Gender Variant: This design came from a series of random doodles that eventually ended up like this, with something that you can’t quite place as a mammal or bird or reptile. It’s just an ambiguous creature that can really represent just about any kind of animal it wants, which feels like it would fit the gender variant experience. Gender variant is a very loose term and not many people use it as an actual, concrete identity label, so I made a loose design that isn’t strictly any kind of animal.

Boyflux: The “spikes” in this design are less obvious, but the fur on this Buddy is very coarse and bristly. I like to think it’s sort of like a hedgehog but a bit softer. I really wanted another dinosaur-inspired design because I love dinosaurs, so I went with a feathered Tyrannosaurus based on a game called Saurian. Never played it, but I know the artist and love the way the game looks. The feathers come down almost like a blanket or shawl, so my design wraps the feathers over the shoulders like a big blanket that covers the arms. It might not even have arms under there!

Hypergender: This is actually the second Buddy designed after the idea of hyperactivity, the first being Neurogender from Phase Two. I went literal with the “hyper” part of the label and made something that was very active and quick. When I think of something that can move swiftly, I think of things that can climb trees. This was originally going to be more goblin-like with little wings on its back, but the wyvern idea was used to fit in with this particular phase’s theme - forest-dwelling animals (I don’t use a strict theme for each Phase but the hint for this one included a few animals that live in the trees and reside on the ground at the base of those trees.) The swirling “dizzy” eye design really ties it together.

Neutrafemale and Neutramale: I knew I wanted Water elemental creatures for this one and originally wanted both to be based on sea slugs of some kind. I thought of the blue sea dragon (the blue glaucus) as an inspiration, but then started looking at other animals. I really like leafy sea dragons, so that was what inspired Neutrafemale. The design for Neutramale incorporates more of the gray from the flag colors, which made me think of something metallic. “Sharp” designs work well for something made of metal and I remembered that lionfish look pretty spiny, so this Buddy is based on a lionfish!

Antigender: I had to make this a Void elemental Buddy for sure, especially since the flag has black in it. I wanted to try and make this design based on a black hole but I wasn’t sure how to make it look good. It would have had a big void in the center of its body, like a black hole that just sucks everything up. It was too much of an intangible design concept, so I reeled it in and went with the theme of hunger. This thing eats whatever it can and its stomach is basically - figuratively - a black hole. I thought the oil was an interesting addition because it was very robot-like, which made it easy to explain how it might eat so much. The big toothy grin was added later to solidify the theme of the design.

Omnine: Given that omnine includes masculine, feminine, neutral, and epicene all at once, that’s exactly what this Buddy is made of! The head is vaguely in the sleek shape of the Neutral design and it has a sort of fin on the tail the way that Neutral does, and the crest and orange spots are borrowed from Epicene (along with the little horn). The claws are sort of hoof-like, just like Epicene’s design. The body leans more toward the yellowy color that Neutral has. Yes, eventually the design for Feminine will have that frilly crest on it, and the design for Masculine will have hooves and the spots - these design elements are what make Epicene what it is, a mix of the two ideas. So, this Buddy does technically use some features from Masculine and Feminine, but I haven’t released those yet.

Satusic: This identity was coined to represent the sleepy start to one’s day, so I went with a creature that sleeps. A bear is a great representation for this, so this design is generally bear-like. It would have been more like a cat but the bear design was way cuter. The symbol on the flag sort of looks like an eye that’s shut, so I decided to make it into a third eye that helps the Buddy see dreams. It also has a crescent moon on its flank to represent that flag’s symbol.

[fictiondetox]

Day 2

Hi. My name is... well, you can call me Cy. I'm a 2⍰ year old trans man (he/him or they/them), and... I'm addicted to sexual content. I never thought I would be in a situation where it would be less embarrassing to say I'm addicted to porn, but that's not exactly what this is. I'm addicted to reading erotic material, especially fanfiction.

I've felt for a while that this might be the case, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. But a few days ago, I discovered something that made me realize it was time to start acknowledging this. As if being addicted to fanfiction wasn't embarrassing enough, I stumbled across a TikTok - yes, a TikTok - that talked about how edging can really fuck with your mental and physical health if it's done often, and I realized that by reading erotic fiction for hours every day, that's essentially what I'm doing. I had considered this as a possibility, way in the back of my mind (I have a psych degree, and I studied the relationship between dopamine and addiction a good amount in college), but hearing some random person say it out loud forced me to face it head-on. I've been very sick lately, mentally and physically, and while I think there are a lot of contributing factors, I believe the dysregulation of dopamine in my system is one of them.

I've been reading explicit fanfiction since I was 13 years old. Fanfiction in general played a major role in helping me discover my gender and sexuality, and I'm grateful for that, but that doesn't change the fact that I was reading and writing sexual material way too young.

I've been involved in my current fandom for about 4 years and have slowly gotten into reading and writing fanfiction for it in that time. It started off harmlessly enough, but even as far back as two years ago, I noticed it taking up more of my time than I wanted it to. I was starting to read stories that paired characters that I didn't even like together just to get more content. I was lying down next to my partner after she fell asleep, secretly reading explicit fanfic on my phone. I was playing out fanfiction scenarios in my head while driving, while working, while on the bus, etc.

It's only gotten worse in the past year. I'm trapped in a job that I hate, and fanfic has been one of my primary escapes from that. But it's turned from fairly standard, vanilla fics into extreme kink/BDSM stories, things that actually feel disrespectful to the people involved in the canon content. I've even gone as far as reading it on my breaks at work, which just makes me feel like a creep.

I've been experiencing a lot of fatigue, pain, and headaches that seem to have gotten worse as I've started reading more and more hours per day. I thought that I was reading so much because I was too tired to do anything else, and while that may be true, I think it's a cycle - the reading may be what's causing my symptoms in the first place due to fluctuating, addiction-type dopamine levels.

I want to be done justifying it to myself. I don't know if I can say that I'm done reading it for good, but I'm confident that I can't justify it anymore. I'm 2 days "clean" but still have all the tabs open for the fics I never finished, and honestly, the ones with heavy plots are going to be a bitch to let go of, like abandoning a book you love and knowing you'll never finish it.

I have no idea what my plan is from here. But I'm hoping that keeping a sort of journal here will help me. No negativity will be tolerated here; this is a space for me to log my progress and setbacks and to ultimately grow into a happier and healthier version of myself.

[ilikeyoshi]

i've been reading lately that pmdd can get worse as you age and honestly, yeah, i think that's happening. when i started taking continuous birth control to help with the hormonal fluctuations it worked super well, but it seems to just work... less and less... and lately whenever i've had to take a break on the meds for a breakthrough bleed the emotions just get??? bad???

i've been inexplicably sad and paranoid the past 2-3 days and it feels really bad after so long of Being Okay. like. i don't WANT to go back to this. i thought i was just tired because chronic illness but i think it's depression. it doesn't help that periods are probably my WORST gender dysphoria trigger.

i have an appt with my obgyn in november and some ideas of what we might be able to do, but it's just. tiring, you know. i'm getting so tired of fighting it and i know hysterectomy with bilateral whatchamacallit is like, a Big Fucking Deal, but i just. don't care? i can't make myself care anymore i just want to stop bleeding and i want to stop being physically capable of bearing children and it's just making me crazy and spirally lately. pmdd + gender dysphoria is actually the evilest combination imaginable.

:( i know in all likelihood i'm going to have to go through all the stupid hoops, like uid and uterine ablation, before doctors will let me just pull everything out and bin it—and if any of that works that's great but it all feels so.... subject to failure?? it feels like i'm just delaying something i'll nevertheless need to do anyway, when everything else stops working. uids have to be replaced, and uterine ablation is not only more likely to just give you light periods than no periods, but if it gets worse again it sounds like i can only get MAYBE one more ablation? so what if it comes back after the second one. assuming i get lucky and the ablations actually STOP the periods instead of lightening them.

like. it just feels like a bunch of time and money and pain for something that isn't super guaranteed to work. especially because my mom had a breast cancer that eats up estrogen, so like, part of me is thinking, if i get the hysterectomy-and-etc NOW, and enter surgical menopause NOW, i can still TAKE the estrogen HRT that makes said menopause infinitely easier to deal with. that might not be an option as i get older! if i develop the same breast cancer my mom (and grandma (and great grandma)) had, i won't be able to take the estrogen anymore. y'know??? it just seems like something that's more likely to backfire on me.

i dunno. i talk to the obgyn in november but i'm just. having a really bad week (breakthrough week, so i can't take the birth control, and being off it makes me crazy again) and i just want this to be over. i KNOW how to make it be over. i don't care if i have to take medication for the next 30 years or whatever, i take medication i'm likely going to need for life already, it's just another fuckin daily pill in the caddy. i don't care. i just want it to be over. i want to donate these organs to someone who wants them and can use them and that's Not Me. that's never been me. childbirth has scared and horrified me since i was a tiny little kid, and despite what adults told me it never, ever got better. i think about a fetus in my gut and i burst into tears. it's so fucking scary. i want this thing gone so i know it CANNOT happen.

i get why it's not ideal, i get why it's a last resort, i get it affects my bone and heart health, i just. i just don't care. it's been almost 29 years of being told "i'd want kids someday, i'll get pregnant someday" and then almost 20 years of the bleeding and the constant reminder that i'm a Woman™ and i can get pregnant and my body is SO INCREDIBLY READY TO GO in making a baby and it makes me wanna rip my guts out!!!! dude!!!! i hate this body i hate this anxiety i hate these constant unending reminders and i don't wanna fuckin DO IT for 20-30 more years i want to live NOW. i want to feel safe in my own skin NOW. fuck!

anyway. waiting for november is hard. being in the middle of a pmdd episode fucking sucks. i just feel bad all the time. i just want it to be over.

[cas-coding]

I'm really curious what your thoughts on deans sexuality are ? I'm personally partial to bi dean but also the gay dean truthers have my suppourt. And like when/how he realized and came to terms

Can't remember if I've asked you this before....so sorry if I have rip

dont worry you havent!! ah honestly i don't have a solid answer to this, it kind of fluctuates for me. i'm less of a fan of gay dean than i am bi dean, but that's probably just because of the fic i read never really acknowledging dean's attraction to women in the show (which could absolutely be comphet, and i actually really like this interpretation too)

personally i guess i'm a bi dean fan and i kind of feel like he's always known a bit if that makes sense? i picture him as one of the kids who never really got a talk about it from his dad and didn't really understand that being attracted to men was unconventional. i do think that john would have made him repress it though, and because of that i think it would take dean a long time to come to terms with the attraction. plus, he didn't have access to queer resources like we do now and i think because of that he'd have a lot more difficult of a time validating his bisexuality because 'youre only supposed to like one'

one thing i am passionate about, however, is dean's constant sexualization in the show and how this translates into his sexuality. i think that he would struggle more to fall in love with anyone of any gender than to have sex with a man. i think he is convinced that his purpose is sexual and that he's not good enough for a romantic relationship and honestly, this is my favorite reason that dean never tells cas he loves him. i think that by the time cas is in the picture dean understands sexual attraction but doesn't understand/trust himself with romance. i love the idea that dean knew he was attracted to cas and was alright with that but instead struggled with the fact that it's deeper than attraction and he has never felt that (nor deserves to feel it, in his mind) towards anyone, let alone an angel like cas <3

that's my take on dean's sexuality, tldr big fan of comphet dean, questioning dean, and dean discovering the romantic aspect of himself.

[omegapheromone]

So uhhhh. This will likely be a long response, and it goes into a lot of detail regarding knowing what I Am Not vs knowing what I Am, trauma and how trauma affects identity and expression, self-doubt and growing up being questioned about my identity's "validity" constantly, etc.

Honestly, I don't have a clear answer. I always just knew I was an omega- maybe a little atypical for one, but an omega regardless. My primary gender is somewhere between nonbinary and trans guy, and for the ease of it, I just say transmasc, even though my primary gender experience is fairly fluid especially when it comes to expressing it outwards. It's kind of the "opposite" when it comes to my secondary gender?

I got a lot of "well are you sure you're not just a tomboyish girl?" Type comments growing up and discovering my primary gender. Despite how angering it was, I always had a degree of anxiety of, what if that IS the case? But over time, I realized I've never identified with that definition at all. I just instinctively know I am not a girl, woman, female, whatever. None of those terms apply to me in any capacity, no matter what I wear or how my gender identity fluctuates. I was also always worried- and occasionally still am to this day- that "what if my gender is only like this because I have severe trauma around the concept of girl/womanhood and being afab?". This thought has always haunted me- what if all that I identify with is like this just because if trauma, and once I start healing, I will suddenly become a girl again? ...Clearly that didn't happen, I've been in therapy for years now. Anxiety is still there, but now I know that my own concept of my gender identity is not just based on trauma around girlhood, and that I would have been transmasc even without such trauma.

In a similar, yet opposite vein, when I started discovering omegaverse (in fanfic etc, before I knew misce was a thing) I just knew I was an omega. There were similar doubts in my head though- I don't have any particularly strong maternal instinct, I don't like to be treated as something weak and fragile, I'm rather independent and a loner (or rather, have a tendency to push people away out of fear) and in many cases, and it's hard to get close to me because of the walls I put up. I can also be quite assertive, if not flat out stubborn at times, and have a very strong sense of justice and fairness, and being cared for makes me feel indebted to whoever does so, even if they're just doing it out of wanting to show care and appreciation. These are not really omega traits, so why do I think/believe I am an omega so strongly? How do I know I'm not a subdynamic of some sort?

To me, it was just a lot of looking inwards. Much like I realized I would be transmasc no matter what my trauma was, I realized that a lot of my non-omega-like traits are direct results of my traumatic past. I don't want children of my own because of my trauma around being one and thw concept of motherhood. I DO like kids, however, and genuinely enjoy being an older brother, older cousin, an uncle, godfather, etc. I'd be glad to be any of those things- especially with slightly older children who don't require constant caring for. I enjoy spoiling my youngest sibling, I enjoy spending time with my young cousins, etc. My maternal instinct is weak and to a degree nonexistent only because of trauma. I don't recall a life "before" trauma at all, but I like to think that maybe if I had grown up without any, I would love to have kids of my own as well. But, as it is, I don't think I will ever want any, no matter how much I heal, because it's been a part of my development for so long. I'll still be a fun and caring uncle, brother, etc, though.

That's just one example, of course. But it's very similar with all my other non-omega-like traits. Because of trauma, I grew up guarded, hypervigilant, suspicious of everyone and everything, etc. I grew up believing that anything nice done to/given to/expressed towards me was always just a bid to ensure I had to "do something in return", that there is no such thing as unconditional love or care. That anything good is always a trap to ensure I am indebted to someone else, so that they can hold that over my head and take advantage of me without me being able to/"allowed to" complain, because "I owe XYZ to them". I've experienced this so many times over and over that over time I've put up walls and tend to push people away if I start getting anxious that someone is "too nice" or "cares too much about me"- I always expect that 'care' to turn into abuse, possessiveness and treating me like I inherently am indebted to them just because they care about me. So I push people away when they get too close, and build walls to keep people away from getting that close to begin with.

The only reason I'm speaking so candidly and descriptively of things that someone could read and learn the ABC of how to hurt me, is because I've been in therapy for years, as I said. Even though a lot of these traits linger in some form (independence, feeling like I need to "give something in return in order to 'get even'", for example), I've learned to deal with them, and also recognize the signs of when someone is actually trying to use my trauma and insecurities as tools to manipulate me.

In any case, knowing that I am an omega is what I imagine it might feel to just know that you are cisgender regardless of any traits that don't fall under the stereotypical idea of what that gender would be. So if I WAS a woman, if someone asked, "well, how do you KNOW you're not a trans guy, how do you know you're 'just' tomboyish?" I'd feel a mixture of frustration and certainty, because I'd just know. I might've even considered it in the past- but have landed on the certainty that "it really is just a gnc way to express a gender, instead of being a different gender". So, in a sense, a complete opposite (yet strangely similar) to my primary gender identity. I KNOW that I am NOT just a "tomboyish girl", I KNOW that I AM transmasc. In a similar yet somewhat opposite way, I KNOW that I am NOT any other dynamic, I KNOW that I AM "just a slightly atypical" omega.

I uhh. I hope that makes sense? Just sort of knowing which traits are a product of trauma/upbringing, and feeling sort of insulted if anyone implies that those make me anything but an omega. My trauma did not make me dynamicfluid or dynamic-non-conforming, nor did it make me a subdynamic of any sort; my trauma made me traumatized, and I am an omega no matter how trauma affects the way I act, express my dynamic, or orherwise "am". Just like how trauma DID NOT make me transgender, I would have been transmasc regardless. If anything, my masc identity might actually be even stronger/less fluid without trauma, instead of being caused by it- and if anyone insinuated that my trauma is what made me trans, I'd feel angry, offended and frustrated at the idea.

Anyway there are also plenty of very stereotypical omega traits I have, a lot of them are buried underneath trauma and a fear of being vulnerable, but they exist, and are fully uncoverable with enough healing and time, and in terms of partners, consistent reassurance, trust and understanding of my situation.

Also, I've always had "heats". Various psych medications have occasionally lowered and/or gotten rid of my libido entirely, and changing them around a bunch seems to have made them unstable- but regardless, I can tell even if I'm psychologically completely disinterested- my body still reacts pretty consistently (though with certain meds said heats were shorter and less noticeable even physically). Still, that was always something that stood out to me as distinctly omegan.

So... how are y'all figuring out your dynamics?

Because I named myself "beta adjacent" for a reason LOL. Is it a desire y'all are feeling intrinsically or something y'all've just decided after taking a bunch of quizzes?

I've always thought of myself as an omega but wasn't sure if that was like... just me wanting to be special?