#i thought ‘damn when i end up being trans i’m going go have to change my tumblr username

[problematic-girltwink]

Oh, God, I’m not beating the egg allegations



[profoundbondfanfic]

Do you have any fics that a very gender? Very confronts toxic masculinity in a moving way? Bonus points for 🏳️‍⚧️

I have to say it was a bit of a challenge to decode this ask so we've decided to do something general and hopefully some of these are what you were asking for. Here are some recs with fics that feature trans!characters in a meaningful way or focus on gender roles.

Fem in a Black Leather Jacket by bleuzombie [Mature, 5k words] #trans!dean

Dean has done the work to be comfortable with who himself but some reassurance from his boyfriend Castiel goes a long way as they head to a concert. Dean never dreamed he would be so lucky to find someone who could love him for all of him, panties and all.

love in the time of quarantine by sharkfish [Explicit, 6k words] #trans!castiel

Dean says, “We should have sex.” Cas chokes and looks up at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.” “We should have sex,” Dean repeats, carefully enunciating each word. Cas keeps staring at him blankly. “It’s fun and you’re hot. Perfect quarantivity.”

Made Manifest by schmerzerling [Mature, 6k words] #trans!dean

Wherein Castiel defied God for Dean before Dean even knew his name.

Mira Mira by vipjuly [Teen, 22k words] #gender fluidity

Castiel is forced to retire from being the world's most prolific and successful hired gun. He gets dropped off at Winchester B&B with a vague notion to 'find himself', but he's having a hard time understanding first of all: what that means, and secondly: how to even do that. The proprietor of Winchester B&B, Dean, a retired ex Fed, seems to have some ideas of his own.

Novaks, Rebooted by violue [Explicit, 57k words] #trans!claire

A single father, his trans daughter, a whole new life in The Golden State.

Sometimes You Have to Lose to Win by zeppazariel [Explicit, 55k words] #trans!dean

The thing is, Dean is okay with being bisexual. He’s come to terms with it, ya know? He’s got eyes, and he can see that men are hot sometimes; whatever, not a big deal. He’s perfectly fine with it. In theory. Not so much in practice. Dudes are a no-no, outside of looking. He’s not budging on this one, so it’s with confidence that he announces, “There ain’t a guy in the world who’s going to change my mind, Sam.” “You’re tempting the universe to make fun of you again,” Sam sing-songs. “The universe doesn’t have shit to do with this,” Dean argues. Sam hums. “Whatever you say, man.” But, as it turns out, the universe has a lot to do with this, and it never really misses a chance to mock him, drag him down, kick him while he’s curled into a fetal position, then take him out back and shoot him while laughing cruelly at his misery. Meeting Cas is precisely what that feels like.

BONUS: a/b/o fics that focus on gender roles

Aromatic Adjectives Need Not Apply by JessJesstheBest [Teen, 4k words]

Castiel was an Alpha, despite what everyone always guessed upon meeting him. He was tall, and he had the stern and imposing profile, but, to most people, those Alpha traits were where it ended. He had a lithe, runner’s frame, with trim waist and thick thighs. “Child-bearing hips” he’d been told. Though, obviously, no children would be born of him. This scuffling man, though. He was... round. Potentially child-bearing. And Castiel was sure his true mate wasn’t either of the other two men. Or Castiel is an Alpha that doesn't believe in true mates but sniffs one out anyway.

Butch by tiamatv [Explicit, 54k words]

When the flower shop owner sweeps his fingers through his hair, he nearly knocks the flowers tucked behind his left ear off; he spends a fussy moment readjusting them with both hands. “I don’t need to be rescued. Especially not by a stranger.” Sheesh. Touchy. But since Dean would have flashed fangs if anyone had thought he couldn’t take care of his own damned self, he can’t be throwing any stones. He shrugs—big and exaggerated, both hands up. "Not sayin’ you did. Look, not your fault that God put alpha brains at the base of their dicks." The lowered blue eyes snap back to his. Flower Boy inhales with his lips parted, all pretense at not sniffing Dean out gone, and his eyes go wider. Dean might not dress or act or look like any kind of sweet little omega, but he knows just what he smells like: really fucking inviting.

Oddly Shaped Empty by jemariel [Explicit, 65k words]

Dean grew up thinking -- knowing -- he'd be an alpha. Until he failed to present. As a beta, he has no mating cycle, no noticeable pheromones, none of the physical markers that are so important in a world of alphas and omegas. He's out of place. How is he supposed to navigate his relationships and find love when he doesn't fit into the neatly-defined boxes he's used to? By the time he meets his new roommate, Castiel, he's more or less given up on finding a mate. He wears his secondary gender like a chip on his shoulder. But you never know what the future holds, who will come into your life, and how they might change it forever..... Queer themes, finding identity, reconciling the past, and a whole lot of smut.

[faithfromanewperspective]

how did you arrive at your progressive punk christianity outlook after being immersed in conservative christianity?

ooh!! good question. see I don’t really think what I was immersed in was particularly conservative—in circles I’ve been around we’ve always dissed Americans for being conservative (kinda mean I know) and my dad used to take me to climate change protests in the 2000s and I was always taught the 6 days of creation aren’t literal, the rapture isn’t real, women in stem etc. idk how it was anywhere else but the part of sydney I grew up in was just Like That, there was encouragement to give to the poor to actually end poverty and people actually did even though none of us really had heaps and I guess I wasn’t raised to be okay with entitlement but simply be kind to everyone? And I didn’t even know what conservative was until I was maybe 17 (I thought it was a style of fashion for ages and then I thought it meant conserving nature and history). It was always just Christians are meant to be genuinely kind and not have sex til you’re older and preferably married yknow?? and work hard, like the protestant work ethic was def a thing but somehow in a non ableist way as much as this is possible— I get real impatient with people bitching about stuff getting taken away from them, not realising how much they have when I probably have less and I’m usually giving away as much as I’m able and as much will put me in a state of perceived danger. It’s definitely a form of rebellion against them to see how little I can survive on which I’m working on. I also didn’t even know that so many Christians were transphobic like I thought it was only the extreme theobros. I also had a really lovely geography teacher in high school who was also a Christian and used her faith to drive environmental action, my biology teacher was a Christian and stood up for trans rights and I also had acccss to the internet to read up on clobber passages and hear peoples stories and it was always like ‘oh yeah some Christians believe different things based on how they read this stuff’ and I don’t think it was until I was old enough to actually vote and saw what propoganda was going around I really realised the power dynamic behind it, with the rise of the Australian Christian lobby which felt like it was straight out of the US. I fully thought voting was just liberals if you like fossil fuels, greens to save the environment, and labor if you’re a people pleaser and like fun little rhymes like ‘Kevin 07’ and attempting to be feminist but not really getting anything done. I actually met Martyn Iles once and was like ‘damn this guy is a fake Aussie this isn’t how we do Christianity’. I also got super burnt out by how hard and how biblically I tried to love my classmates on top of the Protestant work ethic about my schoolwork I never really cared about for myself, and was well versed in theology enough to be like HA! Grace means that we don’t have to do all that and can just do our sustainable best, still thinking my view was mainstream. I went to uni to study enviro sci at 17 and I thought my convictions to not drive unless Absolutely Necessary were driven by Christian ethics (which they were, how rigid I was with it was a pda response though). Then over the years realised very belatedly how people often didn’t validate my views and experiences and I’d expect they would (bc they were biblically rooted) and got quite hurt when they didn’t. Spent years in different volunteer ministries trying to put together the kind of community talked about in books like Philippians only to constantly be let down and feel isolated and that only driving me to work harder, despite knowing God’s grace meant I didn’t have to feeling like I couldn’t stop while my earthly needs for connection were unmet, saying yes to things I’d previously said no to because I got a sense of temporary community and belonging every time I joined a new serving team. Tried extra hard to make places inclusive and expected everyone else to be working as hard on it as I was and feel the desperation like I did and got super hurt when they didn’t, oh I guess I’ll have to do it all myself then.

I’ve always struggled with the concept of hell, tbh I heard about it way too young and never had a drop of self preservation instinct in my body only didn’t want to let God down by saying no. I’ve particularly always struggled with the whole urgency motivation like I’m trying, I’m doing the best I can, I listen to people and actually speaking the gospel into their lives in a way that hits home for them (bc I was thinking about how to do this in an empathetic and understanding and autonomy respecting way from a Very Young Age like I used to attempt to evangelise on moshi monsters to get an idea) and shit, I’m like 19 years old at this stage and I’m tired. If only I could just have one last hurrah to change places with someone so they can go to heaven instead of me? Id take it. and I basically worked myself to the point of being that suicidal and kept fucking going because God made me good at science so I can save the planet and end world hunger, and I had this conviction to contextualise (this is what we learned at afes btw) the gospel to really be real to queer folk and indigenous folk and other people of colour and marginalised people (it’s easy to see oppression with my background and my neurotype tbh) and maybe I could make myself suffer now bc God wasn’t gonna let me do that for eternity? anyway eventually left afes bc I was being so stretched and getting so isolated and the work I was doing there wasn’t achieving any of these things and I realised if I stayed I might end up dead and I wasn’t ready to go to heaven yet when my work wasn’t done. or at least so constantly dysregulated I wouldn’t be as able to be kind to others and show them the gospel.

around this time I’m also putting together a pretty comprehensive framework for how to actually solve global problems in a productive way, I’ve unpacked the pride in a lot of Christian mission projects and how they often were a feel good thing but not actually respectful or effective and I’d come up with literally hundreds of ideas for projects I could do to actually help, none of which I obviously had time for I think I was working up to 3 jobs while studying and serving in church and doing my hobbies that kept me kind of sane as well? which was discouraging to say the least, driving a kind of rageful resentment. Around that time I also discover PDA and my whole life makes sense, I start on my adhd meds which I had to jump through a million hoops to get and realise maybe I can finish uni.

a pda framework as I dive more into that and how to be actually neurodivergent affirming and actually recover from burnout long story short makes me realise how ableist much of our concept of sin and holiness really is and how much we need to destigmatise sin and stop using it as a way to intellectualise actual things happening in our brains and nervous systems and maybe we’d feel a lot less hopeless about it like it’s some big mystery if we actually did unpack the fear and threat responses and trauma behind it. Which we always say we will do but practically, church doenst give a space to do that bc you’re gonna be shamed. even for the people who are non affirming I’d be like, but isn’t it a logical step to someone who’s not yet been convicted to celibacy (if that’s something they think they should be) and realised this whole thing is unrealistic, not because the bible is wrong but because people think you can control your own brain by simply trying and trying again every time you fuck up as if that’s not gonna drive learned helplessness or actually traumatise you when you so desperately want to do better? Either that or drive you to be numb about it which I realised is what usually happens, there are certain sins people are blind to in every congregation and they’re actually intellectually unable to be convicted of that as sin because they’re stretched as far as they can go covering all other bases and being like ‘Christ covers that I didn’t Choose To Sin I’m trying not to even though it doesn’t really work’ like I’m a solutions person. if something isn’t working we’re gonna think of a new method and suddenly I understand how my brain works and those of so many others especially those who feel marginalised by the church!

and so long story short when I eventually had to quit what I was doing at church because someone cared enough to realise I hadn’t been doing well for years I was like I’m gonna follow this urge of the Spirit or simply my own head and desire for true connection I often found In exvangelical spaces and hear as many experiences as possible and use it to shape my worldview and get a bunch of hope from people who yes they’ve been marginalised but the gospel is real to them. that’s my only criteria I’m not gonna judge based on theology and I’m not ever gonna think my theological takes make anyone else wrong I’m just gonna be open to listen and shape them so there isn’t any cognitive dissonance and the grace found at the cross is real and practical and doenst have weird arbitrary limits, and I’m also gonna listen to those hurt by Christianity who some might judge as being hard hearted but I know how trauma works. and I’ve been doing that ever since, gradually getting there more and more and I think the best/funniest thing is even in more conservative spaces literally everyone I still talk to has been super encouraging of it and if we have any disagreements they’re pretty minor compared to the fact that we all believe the gospel is for everyone and we all wanna invest in social justice too (which makes me question how conservative those spaces ever were tbh). like there’s def parts of my story I won’t always tell but I feel like I come with a perspective people respect these days no matter where I am, and that’s nice in contrast to being that weird kid trying to do adult things being told either not to worry or that I don’t understand.

[catchyhuh]

Please please please hit us with the Gender Studies!!!!

YOU HAVE OPENED TJE FLOODGATES!!! LET’S GO GENDER actually sexuality too let’s hit ‘em both because i have my piece and need to speak it. less about their physical bodies, more about their Mindscape. do i sound insane? i will by the end of this i promise!

lupin: listen give me a week i will compile all the evidence i have that lupin is CANONICALLY bisexual. beyond that he’s… also probably polyamorous cuz. y’know. look around. this is one hell of an open relationship. i feel like out of all of them though he’s the only one that’d like. bring it up. state it proudly. his gender is fun because you know mp didn’t MEAN anything writing a ? next to GENDER on Lupin’s little govt file but. oh baby. there’s definitely some meshing of a man and a woman in there, simultaneously coexisting even if he’s in guy mode or whatever. but like. he would only really notice that if it was pointed out to him. y’know that tweet that says ��i’m probably nonbinary but i have a job rn so i’m not really thinking about it too much rn” that’s Lupin the Third

jigen: yeah prepare to be shocked. that’s a gay man. that’s a homosexual. contrary to the jokes i don’t think he’s GAY and misogynistic because of it, i think he just has (lets be real somewhat understandable in his position) beef with fujiko specifically. but when you look at his other interactions with women, they’re either just basic decency for a fellow human being or largely apathetic. and that getting betrayed thing but lets be real again that’s happening regardless of if he’s truly in love with them or if it’s just an “i have eyes” aesthetic appreciation. the transmasc reading of jigen like clicks in my head and it’s hard to pinpoint why exactly? i guess it’s just because he’s got that like. completely self-assured guy vibe. he knows he’s a man and that’s how it is. he doesn’t give a shit!! which could be taken as a cis guy thing too but either way he’s very comfortable in his guyhood and that’s cool. there’s a confidence and comfortability in his man-ness that you only really get after a level of selfintrospection, if that makes sense. if jigen isn’t actually trans he must be cis+ or some shit but. i’m leaning towards the former

fujiko: where lupin puts a label on it, fujiko simply makes a coy little face and shrugs her shoulders. changes the answer a little each time she really thinks about it. bi, pan, unlabeled, questioning? she’s scratched off the last one at least. she’s pretty damn sure she’ll bang any sane consenting adult with enough money. but that does bring us to another thing that i haven’t brought up with anyone yet: i’m a firm believer in demiromantic fujiko. that’s what that’d be called right? the romantic version of demisexual? fujiko just cannot form a romantic attachment to anyone unless there are years, like YEARS of consistent, honest trust and understanding in there. it’s not even an option in her mind until she’s known someone 3 years minimum, and even then that’s only when it BECOMES a SUGGESTION. sexual attraction is easy, romantic attraction is a sidequest altogether. it’s not just a mental mindset thing it’s like. her chemical makeup dude. but veering back on course, she’s got the same solidity in gender that jigen has, just in the Pink direction, so the same general reading of “is she a trans woman or does she just Get it” hits for me

goemon: goemon really hasn’t thought about his sexuality too much. he sees it as more of a person by person basis rather than a potentially gender specific attraction? if he finds a woman attractive, he finds a woman attractive, if he finds a man attractive, he finds a man attractive, if he finds a person who is attractiDo you get the general gist here? at best i could say he has a slight skew towards women, but it doesn’t like ERASE the rest of the options here. goemon views gender similarly, almost like an outsider looking in. it’s not some deep psychological perspective where he’s like, intentionally distancing himself to best study it, it’s just that he doesn’t feel a huge need to label himself in that sense. a foot in the nonbinary door. any pronouns, any terms of address, it’s no biggie to goemon! i do think he’d be somewhat interested to hear others’ perspectives on it, but he knows who he is. the one with the kickass sword lmao

zenigata: this shit is hard uh damn. nothing would shock me with him in any sense. he could be anything, he could be gay (lots of people get married to women before realizing who they are later in life!) he could be bi or pan, he could just be really butch for all i know brother!! any reading is a whole new canvas for unsuccessfully repressed tension and internal sexual turmoil! as for gender, uh it’s kind of. the same sense? he could really be anything. maybe like, betwixt jigen with the “solid in the dudeness” sense and goemon in the “just checking off boxes” shit. like regardless of if he is a MAN man his masculinity is a choice (wild sentence to be saying about the guy drawn to look silly on purpose) and HE wouldn’t get it, like he wouldn’t just start spouting off all this shit if you asked, i mean you'd probably just hear a distant dial-up tone looking at the expression on his face if you asked him. but like. a well-informed third party would get it. i know i sound wild cuz this is literally a baby boomer but listen to me,

[woosh-floosh]

JANUARY MEDIA ROUNDUP

Here's everything notable I watched/played/listened to in January yay!! All the yewchub videos and music are linked (and also there's spoilers for the ending to season 5 of Fargo). Let's a go!!

SUPER MARIO RPG

Fun RPG! I see why it’s kept the reputation it has! I love Mario!!!

OLDER, SLOWER B/W EVERYTHING REAL IS FREE - GODDAMN WOLVES

I don’t know what changed with Seven Days a Week/Ah Maria but I’m really digging the latest Goddamn Wolves. I prefer the first song but the second one has a real Fountains of Wayne sound to it.

BARBIE

It’s fine, doesn’t live up to hype at all for me. Extremely hamfisted, shallow, babies first feminist message. Doesn’t seem to be interested in exploring anything deeper. The girl calls Barbie out when she first meets her for all the reductive views of women she represents and this never gets explored! The image of womanhood and femininity it represents is narrow and alienating for someone like me. White feminism at its peak.

IDK I guess it’s fine for preteens who are first being introduced to feminist thought, I probably would have liked it more at 11. But… can’t we do better now?

INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

It’s fine I didn’t pay that much attention.  I liked Helena, I think she’s a good foil to the older Indiana Jones. There’s a lot of noticeable CGI and fake places and that made me sad. Half an hour too long.

Deepfake Harrison Ford is so scary

TASKMASTER CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS THREE

So fun and funny ^_^ I’ve been rewatching TM NZ with my parents and it’s good… but when you go back to UK you think “Why do I even watch the other versions, nothing could ever top this.”

They also announced the Series 17 line up! I only recognize Nick Mohammad from the couple episodes of Ted Lasso I watched.

BUBBLY - GOOD KID

Seems like everytime a new Good Kid comes out I think “this is good and awesome, their songs seem to keep getting better and better.” I think I am just a bigger Good Kid fan than I want to admit!!

FARGO - SEASON 5

Really good!! Lots of themes to dissect. I was mainly focusing on the theme of misogyny throughout but the finale brought in themes of religion and debt that I hadn’t thought about.

Very glad it stuck the landing in the finale. The ending scene was really funny, and thoughtful and sweet.

Going into the finale I knew they were going to give an ending to the character arc for Lorraine. I was worried that the fact that runs a debt collection agency was going to go uncommented on and thought “the only way I would come around fully to her character is if she forgives all the debt she owns.” The finale has her starting a fund to forgive the debt of prisoners specifically to fuck with the one guy she hates is 1. Very funny and 2. Perfect for her character.

PINOCCHIO IS A STORY ABOUT ART AND GOD - JACOB GELLER

The best video essays are the ones that make you want to gaze out of the window after watching, Jacob Geller consistently does it for me

Thinking about how there is an “other” component to Pinocchio. He’s a little wooden boy but not a “true” boy. Most stories end with Pinocchio becoming a “real boy.” Geller brings up how the story can be about being human, but at the same time becoming a real boy takes away the thing that’s special about him. A Pinocchio story about embracing his own difference and how that doesn’t make him any less of a real boy (because he was a real boy all along!) would make an easy trans metaphor.

Pinocchio also having to learn about the world from a lower baseline than other children seem to have (and being much more gullible) also makes an autism reading easy.

The comments are filled with people saying “You forgot about this story!” and “What about this reading?” that I think this video hit a lot of people the same way.

THE TRUTH ABOUT POINSETTIAS - INDIGO’S FINDINGS

that's a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didn't even really need solving but damn if it didn't just get solved so nice work

In all honesty, a really good deep dive about a tradition most of us take for granted.

MOONSONG / LAST BATTLE [NEW REMIX] - RADIATI0NAL

You can really hear the homestuck influence in this, I love it

Wish they were working with a bit better samples though

LA LA LAND

One of those movies that makes me go “Wow! This is a really well made movie! Must be amazing for someone who actually likes musicals, romance movies, and classic hollywood.”

SHE SENDS KISSES - THE WRENS

IT NEVER ENDS

Reminds me of the Fargo main theme, even though I don’t think they actually sound that similar? Might just be a me thing

TASKMASTER MINNESOTA - SEASON 2

Wah! I’ll miss you Taskmaster Minnesota!! Wah!!

Way better than last season thanks to the better equipment (I also think Carter makes a much better Taskmaster than Luke, though I think Luke was pretty good as a fill-in contestant!)

David Ha (and whoever else) is extremely good at making up tasks. Multiple tasks that made me think “they should do this on Taskmaster UK!” or use the setting so well it’s perfect

DRAGON QUEST MONSTERS: THE DARK PRINCE

Monsters…

The performance is BAD, the environment textures are BAD, the story is BAD, but those monsters? But those monsters.. Those monsters are damn good

The end ended up being pretty grind-y, I think dragon quest games are known for that, but still a bit of a bummer way to end what I thought was a pretty fun game!

The gameplay loop of synthesis is addicting, every new area feels like an iceberg where beneath the surface are all the new monsters you can make in synthesis!

The ranking system also pushes you to change your team throughout the game to add those higher ranking monsters to your team. One of my problems with pokemon is how the game starts to grow stale once you have a full team. Dragon quest monsters and Yo-Kai watch both side step this problem and keeps the gameplay fresh to the end!

I’m curious about playing the older entries now!

My favorite monster is every slime and Imp

LEAST FAVORITE THING: When Jacob Geller brought AI: Artificial Intelligence in his Pinocchio video and I had to remember how much I hated that movie. We watched in Philosophy class. We didn't even discuss it, we just watched it.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi! This seems so cute and if you’re still doing these I’d like to be matched! (Doing this on anon too bc my blog is horribly biased)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?: I have two actually! The first one is “Everything Changes in Time” by Madds Buckley and the lyric that I love so much is “Don’t say we’ll meet again, you could change your mind, everything changes in time”. The other one is “Not Strong Enough” by boy genius and the lyrics is “Not strong enough to be your man”. I don’t think I can fully explain why either of these songs without pouring my entire heart out so, I’ll leave it at that for now.

What is your Enneagram type?: uhhh I took a test online and the highest ones I got were type 9 (peacemaker), type 4 (individualist), and type 5 (investigator)

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?: YES!! I DO!!! I LOVE VIDEO ESSAYS SO BAD U HAVE NO CLUE! My favorite is definitely Fear of Depths by Jacob Geller which just delves into people’s fear of the ocean. I love it because I love the ocean it’s one of my favorite things because of how terrifying it is!!

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend: I actually didn’t have an imaginary friend as a kid. I tried to make one up and have one, because I thought that was what kids did, but I couldn’t make myself believe in them and it made me frustrated. I did however have various imaginary animals. I didn’t believe in them being like real but I didn’t have an easier time pretending I had animals then people.

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?: I have to be listening to something to fall asleep it’s like one of my worst traits tbh. So usually if some rp asmr (big surprise there), or a podcast, or just ocean sounds if I can’t handle words.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?): I’m trans so I actually did pick my name out! A lot of people chose their name based of the meaning of the name or for a reason that means something to them. I picked mine purely off of vibes alone. I heard the name and was like “yeah that sounds like it would be my name” and to this day I have never regretted that decision. It’s my name and I’m very happy with it!

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?: I love the audios where multiple characters are interacting with each other. So obviously the Friendsgiving audios hold a special little place in my heart, so does the DAMN bowling audio. But I also love the solstice videos and the Smash tournament!

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.): Vega. I’m sorry. He talks to much. I genuinely can’t bring myself to give a fuck about whatever he is rambling about. I know there is probably lore in his series but I find him so boring.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.: There were multiple years, where my entire family hated the movie Princess and the Frog, because when I was a kid I watched it every single day, multiple times a day. I can still quote the whole movie beginning to end. I love it. That movie is Disney’s magnum opus and nothing they have made since could ever live up to it. (Also fuck Disney! Just throwing that out there)

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?: Hush! I am not interested in him as a romantic character by any means, but me and him would make great friends! He is silly and just a little murderous! Love him for it!

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.): I don’t know if this is my tired ramble, but any time someone asks me to ramble about something my default topic is horror. Whether it’s horror movies, series, books, art. It’s such an interest of mine and I love it to death. I could go on for hours about horror movies!

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.: Diet Coke or a monster ultra (all monster ultra flavors are delicious) and Cheetos hot fries!

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.: if we are talking about music playlists, it’s my playlist called “Where is your rage” which is a collection of songs that aren’t what I think most people would think of as angry songs but they are more like a somber anger.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?: Mobile otome games! Especially cringy ones! I love mystic messenger and obey me to death. I wouldn’t say this one is cringy but The Arcana too! I also just really like playing dating sims in general but the mobile otome games are definitely a guilty pleasure.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!: This one is just random but putting religious references in any media is the quickest way to get me to like it more!

Ooh, so this one was fun for me as a fellow Type Nine. It gave me a fun opportunity to think about our Enneagram and who is good for people like us, and that would be Damien.

Type Nines are thoughtful and sensitive people, the Peacekeepers, prone to not prioritizing diplomacy and other in times of conflict; Damien would nip that shit in the bud. The fire elemental would always have you and your best interests in mind, taking care of you, making sure you drink one water for every godforsaken Monster Ultra, and watching The Princess and The Frog despite his bitching. (Damien complains, but he actually loves that movie and sees a lot of himself in Tiana.)

You and Damien living and being together would be so fun. Like, yes, he’s a study bug and a gym rat. Yes, he gets on your butt to eat and drink healthily but he loves you. He loves you so much, he watches your horror movies with you even though they scare him to death. He loves you so much, he drives you to the beach as often as he can even though it’s a 90+ minute drive and gas prices go up day by day. He makes it fun, ya know?

Song:

I was scared of dentists and the dark/ I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations/ Oh, all my friends are turning green/ You're the magician's assistant in their dream/ Ah-ooh-ooh-ooh, ah-ahh-ah-ah/ And they come unstuck

One. Riptide? Ocean imagery? Done deal. Two, now that I mentioned Damien driving the two of you to the ocean, I couldn’t stop picturing it, you know? Like, this song so fits the vibe of having familiar, intimate conversations and telling each other childhood memories while you go down the Pacific Coast Highway (at the speed limit because duh Damien).

Runner-ups:

Lasko is a runner-up because you’re both Type Nines and because he’d love to watch horror movies with you; I like to think he’s got a super strong stomach for it. Guy is another runner-up, my favorite one actually, because he’d share your love for not just horror but also all things otome game. He has them all and is more than happy to share them with you.

note: thank you for waiting 💕

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[timaeusterrored]

I'm gonna leave this here for when you have the strength and mood to answer it:

Can we have some more of Vax's adolescence, or perhaps something about how he changed around Mama Welles and Vik? You mentioned addiction and my brain hasn't shut up ever since 👀

Stay frosty 💜

☄️🐉

Me screaming because I love love love talking about Vax, no matter how many OCs I make for this damn game Vax will always be number one💗❤️✨

So I’ve thought about how I’m gonna answer this, and decided to give a general time line of how I’ve seen and thought about Vax’s childhood.

So, born 2049, Vax was born to Melissa Kane with his twin sister Vex. They were born identical, but Vax came out as trans around the age of 13, and changed his name to Vax Florence Kane. They spent years in and out of homes and squats until around the age of 13 as well, when Vax started stealing and pickpocketing for money (have a hilarious moment were he steals from Kovachek, Kerry’s manager), until the infamous age of 15.

15 is when he got into his physical fight with Low, and got the scar over his eye. Viktor Vektor found the twins huddled together after, holding each other close. Obviously Vax wasn’t the most trusting at first, not trusting this man to help. But after some convincing and Vex saying it would be okay, they went with him so Vax didn’t lose his eye. (Also Vex is pregnant with Victoria at this time, and has her a little after the twins turn sixteen). After Vex as her baby, she disappears. And Vax finds her years later working for Arasaka. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sixteen is when Vax starts taking a notice in merc work. Vik a little iffy at first, but then takes Vax out to the badlands to shoot his first gun. Vik teaches him to shoot, box, fix cars, and is even the reason V is into Samurai and Kerry Eurodyne during his teen years. He really steps up into the Dad role without even realizing it.

(Tw: Vax’s life goes to shit here)

17 is when shit really goes down and stays down until V meets the Welles. It’s the first time he gets introduced to drugs without Vik being there to stop him. It gets him into some serious trouble with some dealers that end up kidnapping him. It’s then the first time Vax meets Rogue, who Vik went too for help. Due to massive College Au Spoilers I cannot share, Rogue agrees to help the panicked father in helping him find his son. She finds Vax wandering a the streets with a body face that’s not his own and smelling of fire. When she touches him he freaks out until he realizes she’s there to help him. And she finds a scared boy high out of his mind and a burnt hand.

She takes him back to Vik and the two embrace and Vik cleans him up and his hand. The drugs seem to get worse after that, like V is trying to forget whatever happened in that warehouse. Around the age of 20 is when he goes to Atlanta to try and turn his life around. It doesn’t work, and he comes back a year later. And the night he comes back, who does he meet? Jackie Welles.

Mama Welles knows what’s going down the second she sees V, and also knows this is Vik’s kid. She calls him and tells him she has him, and she’s gonna try to get him clean. Vik feels he’s failed his boy but Mama Welles shuts that down and tells him to just be patient.

V was ashamed as to what he had done to himself and found it hard to face Vik, which is why he disappeared like he did. Even sleeping on Mama Welles’s couch felt like he was intruding. But they helped, Jackie became Vax’s partner in the merc world, the two slowly making a name for themselves. Becoming brothers and making a family out of the four of them.

It’d be a same if anything bad happened to them👀

[castle-dominion]

I already watched the fairytale one so now I'm on 4x18 the doppledancer episode. a dance with death.

Wow I swear I've heard that name before Ooh latin dancing! She's dead but like idk.

Oona macaroni? water under the bridge? martha is so pretty

I love pyrotechnics. Love a short 19min window lmao that probably happens on the set of Castle too. Prop open the door so you can smoke. Btw Ryan is pretty af & wearing pink, for a while I thought it was bc he just got married but now I think it just looks good on him so he chooses to wear it. Idk. Ask Luke Reichle.

Lanie my beloved. At least she knows information on her past. Of course that's how it worked. (Here's that scene btw) KB: Hey, Ryan. Can I get a list of all the guests that were invited to tonight’s taping along with anyone that checked in at security? KR: Uh, already on it, but that’s not the only way in here. There’s an exit door to the alley down the hall. The crew guys like to prop it open so they can go out for a smoke. RC: So either our killer got lucky and found an unlocked door… KB: Or this was an inside job. LP: That gets my vote. Odette was a lock to win this thing. I bet it was one of her backstabbing rivals that did this. [The others stare at her.] LP: What? I watch the show. Odette was my favorite contestant. She was an heiress raised by her rich grandpa, a party girl headed down the wrong path, then a brush with death made her wake up and change her bad-girl ways. RC: That’s a great story. LP: Except for the ending. [Lanie indicates the body in front of them.] KR: I gotta say Dr. Parish, I never figured you for a fan of A Night of Dance. ((calls her dr parish rn, love it)) LP: I’m not exactly. It’s just… when I was young, more than anything, I wanted to be a prima ballerina. If I wasn’t dancing, I was thinking about dancing. ((Says the medical examiner working on a homicide)) RC: So what happened? LP: The girls game along when I was thirteen. [Lanie indicates her chest.] ((As a trans person who used to be very physically active but now has huge bazongas, I feel for ya Lanie)) LP: Not that many top-heavy ballerinas out there. [Castle and Ryan nod understandingly.] RC: Well, I think there should be. KB: Of course you do. RC: That’s not what I meant. Although… [Castle turns to Ryan, who nods eagerly in agreement.] ((the thing is, it's easier to dance when you don't have boobs swinging around hitting you in the chin, & then there's the eating disorders & body requirements...))

Man looks good with that shirt mostly open lol Oh esposito, making eyes at a pretty girl Ryan asked the question, she answered to esposito tho! Kinda rude tbh! *The two dancers walk away* KR: Damn. Did you see that? JE: Mm-hmm. :] KR: She acted like I didn’t even exist. JE: You don’t. Not since you put that ring on your finger. *Ryan looks at his hand* Get used to being invisible to single women. oH IS THIS THE EPISODE WHERE ESPOSITO GETS RYAN'S RING STUCK ON HIS FINGER???

Except in dance it changes your body in legitimate irreversible ways. She would have needed to dance since she was a child. Well depending on the kind of dance

This weirdo co-producer judge fellow did it I think.

It was not eddy

I like eddy though

Sketch man has a freckle tho

Ryan ex-drug cop *immediately assumed it is drugs* which to be fair is a good assumption

He does not match the sketch but he kind of matches the sketch. Generic white guy with dark hair I mean yeah it was your JOB to be concerned abt her spending

I'm guessing she bought these clothes but doesn't have any in her closet: money laundering

Beckett's smile when castle gives her coffee RC: Sounds to me like the old gas card scam. KB: What do you mean? RC: Your parents put you on a strict allowance, but they give you a gas card so you can fill your car. Well, you fill your friends’ cars, and they give you cash. *Esposito listens* Some of my buddies in boarding school nearly doubled their allowance. KB: Uh-huh. RC: Not me, of course. [Beckett gives Castle a knowing look.] RC: That… [Esposito gives Castle a knowing look, too.] RC: Don’t tell my mother. ((GIRL YOU ARE AN ADULT & YOU ARE THE ONE LETTING HER LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE)) Except why would she need to buy clothes for her friends? She doesn't have a strict allowance in that way does she? Maybe it was to make it look like she is not getting cash? Ah she has a monthly cash stipend

I'm so used to people saying yasmine when it is spelled jasmine. *find the recording immediately* See? This is why you never make death threats

Like me doing my testosterone shots KB: Who’s Brian Dunkleman? ((Transcript has link to wikipedia))

Why would you assume speed of all things? Some kinds of speed don't really work injected. That's a nice bottle tho, v big, medical grade, she is not using a spoon & a lighter here. My question is: Did you find alcohol wipes, a sharps bin, extra needle tips, or anything like that?

Oona Marconi lmao. She looks good tho. Milf af. Captions said olivier, she said olivia or maybe olivié which would make sense Oh she is happy for her & her acting studio! Years & years? Don't call her old now b'y that was ages ago oona shush Laugh it off martha laugh it off Alexis there with the knife in the pie Me, planning on becoming a culinary teacher: Rude. Though accurate, I don't like line cooking & early mornings & late nights. Those who can't hack it, find better ways of hacking it, like teaching because we get regular hours RC: Could’ve been worse. *Cut to castle with beckett* RC: It couldn’t have been worse. My mother exposed her gooey center, and Oona Marconi drove a stake through it.

Diabulemia? Or maybe not... that's not how it works

Officially she was dead... "Or did she?" Secret twins? Castle all literary lol

btw there is a deleted scene here Minyard twins No idiot it was a crime of opportunity. But lol crazy wiccan powers would be funny ok but they never ran in the same circles but OG odette was a rich girl & then a party animal so you never know

The parent trap was great! They probably have similar ancestry though, it would have been better if they were distant cousins who didn't know they were related but both had ukrainian ancestry & possibly a relative in common. Could have explained it away as trauma from the crash.

RC: Well, that sounds like something better done one-on-one, mano a mano. Meantime, I want to take a ride downtown with the boys, [starting to stand up] check out that strip club. KR: Sorry, Castle. [Ryan pushes Castle back down into his chair.] KR: Three’s a crowd. [pats castle on the shoulder] [Castle and Beckett are stunned as Ryan and Esposito walk to the elevator.] JE: What’s up? Why you freezing out our boy like that? ((our boy)) KR: I want to try an experiment. Having Castle along would mess things up. [Ryan pushes the down button and clears his throat.] KR: Here. [Ryan takes off his wedding ring and holds it out to Esposito.] ((it's a really nice ring, I'd like to see a high quality pic of it.)) KR: Wear my wedding ring. ((gay lmao)) JE: What? [looks around at any other cops bc ryan is presenting a ring to esposito & the only thing missing is one knee] Get that thing away from me, man. It’s a mood killer. KR: Just wear it when we’re at the club. JE: What for? KR: See, I’ve been talking to all my married guy friends, ((I wish we knew more about their friends outside of work)) they say that your theory is way off. [gesturing with the ring] Wearing a wedding ring gets them more attention from women, not less. JE: So…? KR: So wear the ring. [shoves it in esposito's face. Esposito leans back away from it. The elevator dings & a cop sees ryan "proposing" to esposito but just kind of shakes his head & walks away.] I want to see if women still flirt with you and ignore me. [They enter the elevator.] ((btw espt's jacket is nice & has a grey-on-grey pattern on it.)) JE: So you didn’t’ want Castle to come because… Both: All the women would flirt with him. [holds it up again as the elevator starts to move] KR: I want to know if it’s just the ring that’s repelling members of the fairer sex. JE: It’s not the ring, bro. It’s you. [ryan lowers the ring, watching esposito] See, once you’ve been married for a little while and you’re feeling a little bored and unsatisfied, [ryan nods along] the ring will get you love from the ladies. They’ll want to take you away from all that so that you can be bore and unsatisfied with them. KR, still facing esposito but not looking at his face: Why not now? JE: (chuckle) Because now you’re all blissfully happy with your wife and whatnot. [ryan nods] You have the stink of honeymoon phase all over you. No woman wants to be around that. [esposito looks ryan down & up & shakes his head slightly as if he too doesn't want to be around that & turns to look away from him] KR: How long does it last? ((Why are YOU the MARRIED one asking HIM the Very Single one abt this?)) JE: Well, it’s hard to say. [taking the ring from the top] But knowing you and Jenny, [putting it on explicitly in ryan's view, but probs for the camera tbh] probably forever. [Esposito needs to kind of push Ryan’s ring on over the knuckle. Esposito cringes at it. Ryan, still facing where esposito was standing a second ago, moves his mouth to start a sentence but doesn't say anything, then follows Espt out the elevator]

She is talking to ryan this time at least, talking to both of them. Ryan has his ringless left hand up by his chin & he frequently gestures. Remember someone paid for a nose job? hm? Esposito unfolds the sketch & hands it to her with his ringed hand

Shantell: He lived over in alphabet city. He was always running some scam, borrowing money from Barbra for some new business venture and never paying her back. But she loved him. Crazy love, you know? JE: Oh, yeah. I do. [Esposito shows her Ryan's ring on his hand.] Stl: Hm. JE: Well, you’ve been very helpful, Shantell. Thank you for your time. Stl: (to Esposito) If you wanted, you could come back later. My show starts at eight. JE: I could probably do that— KR: He’s gotta get home to the little woman, [espt flounders a bit in the background] Shantell, but we do thank you for your time and your cooperation. Stl: All right. [Shantell leaves and Ryan and Esposito head for the exit.] JE: What’s wrong with you, man? Why you gotta throw salt in my game like that? KR: You can’t pick up on honeys while wearing the eternal symbol of my love and commitment to Jenny. [Ryan stops & puts a hand out, stopping Esposito too.] KR: Did I just say that out loud? JE: Mm-hmm. KR: No wonder women won’t flirt with me. I’m a lost cause, a man in love with his wife. JE, putting his hand on Ryan's shoulder: Enjoy it, my friend. A lot of men would switch places with you. [ryan riases his eyebrows & looks at espt] Not me. Mnh-Mnh. Other men. Guys. [ryan nods with squinty sus eyes] Unhappy single guys. KR: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me my ring back, and you can go get Shantell’s phone number. [Esposito smiles & tries to take it off, but the ring is stuck.] JE: What the… ow. KR: What? JE: (pants) It’s stuck. KR:

Castle is sitting in the desk across from beckett today. lmao alliteration Like that time you stole a police horse while naked?

lmao faux-dette, perfect name "all of barbara" Understudy to leading lady, wow he really is martha's son

Caskett are such a good team in this interrogation here I love it So fauxdette wasn't killed for being barbara she was killed for being odette probably SEE? Barbara HAD been dancnig since she was a kid!

THE BUTLER DID IT!

[Castle rubs soap on the Esposito’s hand and Esposito tries to pry off Ryan’s wedding ring.] JE: It’s not coming off. It’s like it soldered itself onto my hand. RC: Maybe it’s possessed, you know, like some kind of cursed object from a Stephen King story. KR: How can I tell my wife that I’m not wearing my wedding ring because I lent it to Esposito as an experiment to see if strippers would flirt with me? [casle looks blankly afraid & esposito cringes] Maybe she’ll see the humor in it. ((XD)) [Castle and Esposito exchange a look.] RC: Not a chance. JE: You’re a dead man.

ALEXIS MY BELOVED Dad! Work! Boundaries! *Lanie hits alexis with the file in pride*

Poor Martha : ( Ooh man has a croissant Castle & his silly accent

True, there is a professional relationship that has boundaries between like friendships & employ. He's all sus acting like he can solve the murder. How do you know that? (Man must sleep on his back or front, you can't be on your side w/o a pillow, I personally need three things. One under my head, one under my waist to keep my back straight, & one between my knees to keep my hips & therefore back straight.) Oh, aha, he really is smart! They really left a pillow? & nobody looked into the murder? The poor man looks so afraid & sad.

Do they know it's you-know-who yet? Oh yes they do lol Why would you just throw the gun in the trash? & leave the silencer on? Those things are pricey. You should have, idk, dug a hole in the ground (concrete?) & buried it. I mean yeah that sounds even to me. Pretending to be someone else & having killed someone else... yeah that sounds even enough except you already killed someone so who cares?

True. Broken dreams does not mean your life is crap. Lanie the dancer became Dr Parish, I had wanted to be in a band or smth or do a million other things & I'm looking to become a culinary teacher...

Beckett was in a prelaw course but that's boring af, she could have done anything, she could have been a lawyer doctor cop or teacher, or she could have become an astronaut a chef (her hours prove it) a film director a volunteer manager a politician a carpenter an electrician a baker... then again I listed a bunch of trades which are not befitting of a girl like her.

[40:30, INT. PRECINCT, BULLPEN - NIGHT] [Esposito grunts as he attempts to pull off Ryan’s wedding ring.] JE: Ah, it won’t— Yeah, you know what? [Esposito checks his watch.] JE: Ooh, I’m late for my stripper date, man. ((meaning ryan let him "pick up honeys" without taking off his ring)) [Esposito gives up and starts to leave.] KR: Whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot go home again without that ring on my finger tonight. My couch has a loose spring. My back-- ((lmao I love how Jenny made him sleep on the couch. I hope he said he let esposito try it on & did NOT say it was to see if strippers would flirt with him)) KB: Hey, did you try soap? JE: Yeah. KR: Yeah, that was, like, the first thing we did. RC: Cooking spray? JE: I didn’t think about cooking spray. KR: Where am I gonna find cooking spray? KB: Here. [Beckett takes out her lotion and puts some on Esposito’s finger. Esposito rubs the lotion in around the ring.] JE: It’s like silk. That might work. Oh, yeah. I think it’s coming. ((Why are you pushing the ring off instead of pulling tho? That's why it does what it does)) KR: Yeah? [Esposito grunts as the ring audibly (lovely fake sound) pops off and bounces across the room. Caskett look at him. Esposito cringes. Ryan looks at him] ((Makes me think tho, how did the actors play this? Is it like Mime? Or was the ring actually just slightly the wrong size?)) JE: At least it’s off my finger. [Esposito leaves & then starts running away just in case and Ryan rushes to find the ring.]

"Inches" of column space that you should let me know (not whore him out) RC: “Be kind.” For you, Mother… I can be kind. HE REALLY DOES LOVE HIS MOM. (This is how I feel about sweeping at work. "For you [only my second real job & low on the totem pole]... I can sweep the floor." I really really genuinely hate sweeping, it is embarrassing & I'm slow & bad at it & how can you be bad at sweeping but I AM & it's awkward to hold & there are people in the way & it reminds me of hockey which I dislike... ugh I hate sweeping so much)

anyway I love that sweet sweet ending of love

& as always, thank you https://scriptline.livejournal.com/63245.html live journal transcript for being here

[coochiecowgirl]

I remember seeing Freedom Writers in theaters with my mom, who is a teacher, and all I really remember is that it was the first time I saw a movie with a mostly black cast and I was too young to question how problematic it was that a white teacher went to a “ghetto” school and taught these kids to love learning or whatever. And my mom was too racist and dumb to think critically either. It literally hit me just right now. I know that I didn’t have access to a lot of tv or movies growing up, but the shit I did watch was always white or at least made the white people look good. If I ever have kids and we watch a certain movie I’m gonna make damn sure we talk about the issues present in it. Like the fact that my mom wasn’t able to shed light on how racist and stupid that movie was means that I also continued to have racist thoughts. I want to break the cycle. Too bad I don’t want kids. But if I did have kids that cycle would fucking stop with me.

Also this was basically a modernization of the movie To Sir, With Love which has exactly the same premise except it’s an all white cast, but the teacher is black.

Why couldn’t they have made a movie about a black teacher in a black ghetto teaching kids to love school and not join gangs or whatever. It’s not like the white teachers really understand anyways.

I’m just so tired of the blatant or micro racisms that keep appearing in films and shows. And I’m a white person so how the fuck do non white people think of it Jesus Christ. How hard is it to change.

With new movies I feel like there’s this fake wokeness going on, where it’s uncool to bully people if they’re gay or something, but certain tropes still remain. And just because they promote anti-gay bullying doesn’t mean that normal stories about gay people are being widely produced. And can we get a movie or show where the main character is trans, but the whole show doesn’t revolve around that??? No, because we still suck and presenting gay and lesbian and bi characters as regular people too.

Im just sick of media lol. Im wine drunk and wanna yell at people.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Like who am I to complain about representation in tv and movies. When real laws are being put in place that discriminate against trans and gay people. And literally all laws discriminate against black people. It literally never ends. I can’t think about it too much because I get sucked into a pit of despair.

If I had the money I’d be donating to so many causes. But I’m broke and screaming into the void because I’m upset and don’t know what else to do.

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

[westcoastbroadway]

starship is a trans allegory: a masterpost

this will be long as shit and i'll probably condense and clean up my thoughts later but for now

lets get cracking

right off the bat, bug discovers a different way of life complete with language that his world doesn't understand, especially through the internet

as all the bugs talk about their jobs and future, they all talk about what they want to DO, but bug talks about what he wants to BE. they want to do various things but his dream is to be someone else fundamentally

tell me you don't see the parallels between the way farm planet lets you name yourself after things you like and how trans/nonbinary people usually pick new names for themselves

you could parallel being trans with wanting to be a starship ranger pretty easily but then bug literally says "there's no choice involved in what you are given/one mind, one voice, one body to live in"

homeslice literally wants a new body what more do you need

just kidding we're going to keep going

"who are they to say what I am?"

"my name's bug" "like a bUG?" "...no." vehemently denying that your name is a "AGAB" name

also just the general plot line "february has never seen bug's body and thus thinks he's a human" and he doesn't know how to tell her that that's not his "natural state" or however you wanna put it

"oh bug, you're a real man" "...I sure am"

"you sure are a beautiful woman" "incorrect statement" "you don't think you're beautiful? :(" "I am not a woman" nonbinary megagirl rights

"sometimes I don't feel very much like a man..." also nonbinary tootsie noodles rights

this is the biggest reason: to achieve his goal, bug has to physically alter his body. he can't become a starship ranger without transitioning

again, repeating "there's no choice involved in what you are given/one mind, one voice, one body to live in"

and the repetition emphasizes that being a starship ranger = being a human/transitioning because the "you wanna be a starship ranger" motif comes in immediately afterwards

i mean like all of status quo

but also specifically "to always be a starship ranger/it's everything, it's everything i am"

again, the other people view their jobs as just that, jobs. but bug sees it as his core identity

okay so bug becomes a starship ranger and by all accounts he should be totally happy and vibing but no because he feels like he's lying to february since he wasn't always a human

the conflict once again doesn't stem solely from bug wanting to be a ranger, it also stems from his physical transition to get there

and how many trans ppl can relate to the "i know they love me now but they hate trans ppl so if I came out it'd ruin our relationship"? bc replace trans w bug and that's exactly what's happening

like "you're perfect and wonderful how I hoped you'd be/but it's really enough for you to be just a human being/and I know you'll agree that's all we need/to make all our dreams come true"

also, i loVE that they directly parallel commander up who has explicitly undergone changes to his body (not even considering that he's lost parts of his body that are often directly conflated with gender identity) to bug here

"what if someone likes you, a lot, but they only like you because everything they know about you is a lie?" "so this is about me...and how i've been lying to you",,, could it be more explicit

like of all the injuries Up could have gotten, he literally lost the one thing that transphobes and much of cis society says is what makes you a man

and then Up saying that if bug can accept him, february can accept bug aww

+ february "irreconcilably" hating bugs

tootsie changing his last name to megagirl :')

bug's confession that pincer helped him switch bodies and thus he is not a starship ranger bc being a ranger is inextricably bound to physical form in his eyes

+ everyone turning on him just like he feared they would

"i used to think that i was the proof you didn't need the balls to be tough, but now I know...you, you are the proof"

"why did you lie to me bug?" "...when pincer here gave me the chance not just to be with you but to be one of you? I took it. but i didn't think, because being a starship ranger has been the only thing i've wanted more than anything my whole life"

"So i lied"

"I know the truth now, everybody. I'm not a starship ranger. I'm a bug"

"bug, you may be a damn bug, but you are the finest starship ranger I have ever seen" and finally bug can see that no matter what he is he can still be a ranger

and then at the end he gets a modified job that he can still do as a bug

"well I thought I hated bugs, but there's one that makes me feel like I'm more than I ever thought I could be" "it's that bastard pincer isn't it?"

cause this is where starship differs from the little mermaid which it's loosely based on. ariel gets to keep her legs, but bug has to stay a bug. yet february and his friends love him anyway.

eep op ork this show i stg

[lee-scribbles-and-doodles]

S3 ep5

Current emotional status: FEAR

Cthulu Max has been on the rampage for a whole week!?

Ew, the narrator

Oh man, are they sending the airforce after him?

I really like Cthulu Max's design

Momma Bosco 💗

Oh hey, Norrington and Papierwaite are alive.

Superball are you saying you tried to send the Maimtrons up Max's--

Also he's acting president while Max is... deposed of.

Superball is only giving Sam until 6am :(

Featherly!

"Wandering around the moleman tunnels is no fun without Max."

"You got it all wrong, we're trying to help Max." "We will help him... to a generous serving of ass whooping."

"That is one rabbit who will be multiplied... into 2,000 smoldering pieces."

Carol ran off with Blustet

"I only want her to be happy, is all." Aw, Curt

Superball just admitted to having separation anxiety from Max

Ok Momma can't come but Papierwaite and Norringron can.

I like Norrington :)

GASP

Is it?

It is!

SYBIL!!!!

RETURN OF THE QUEEN

Oh, she is very pregnant

She was a wizard at one point?

She's gonna help!

Superball there's no such thing as acceptable losses

Abe has his body back

"Four score and seven tons of raw power"

HE CAN FLY NOW!?

Sybil, I love you, but why did you mod someone else's car???

Grandpa Stinky I love you

Oh, he just handed us the recipe for once.

Asdfff the spore maxes swarming Grandpa

They stole Grandpa's hotdogs

"We must feed the host! Piglets and sphinkters make us stronger!" "We regret nothing!"

Grandpa hasn't slept in three years

Sam just casually taking the last of Grandpa's corndogs

The spores are trying to get it

Lol Sam slapped them

Sal's alive!

He's hiding from Sam :(

Lol we can control Cthulu Max with Corndogs

Ew, the cornstarch got mixed in with the giant puddle 🤢 Looks gross

Love how Sybil completely ignores the Flaming Max head

Also the look of disappointment on the spore's face made me laugh

Fifth trimester???

The way the one Max spore by Grandpa's truck is bobbing in circles with his mouth open is making me laugh.

Sam showing concern for Sybil because she’s preggers 🥺

Her being pregnant with Abe's child implies that statues have working genital in this universe

She put a weiner scented airfreshener in the desoto

At least Sam and a Max spore seem to like that (of course they do)

"Sybil you're the best!" Hell yeah she is!

Sam's mind went to the color bar codes to prevent being traumatized by Sybil's oversharing

We drowned the desoto

Asdfgh Sam just botched slapped one of the spores for trying to say "that's none of your damn buisness."

Ew, Max's spine is pointing out

Oh hey, Satan and Jurgen

Why is Jurgen wearing his old fashioned clothes instead of his emo clothes?

Lol Sam snuck into frame to shout "Go Mets! New York rules!"

"--besides it's just a good and noble thing to do." "You're not familiar with my previous work, are you?"

"Sam, what happened to you to make you so cynical?" Gee, Jurgen, I wonder what could have possibly happened.

Oh so the water tower counts as vegetable oil because Momma did something to it

Pfft we can replace Satan's microphone with a corndog

Omg they jumped off the building to avoid Max

Oh, they're fine, and the oil is in the giant puddle.

I'm thankful to Featherly for giving us an egg but I'd have preferred not to watch him lay it. Granted it was just in a cartoon way but he still made weird noises

Also TRANS FEATHERLY 2021

"I desperately wanted to see that, sir. Ask him if he'll lay another one."

Oh hey, the Flaming Max heads helped heat up the giant desoto corndog

Since I'm playing this in 2021 the Maimtron's song references are super dated, which defeats Superball's efforts

Oooh! A unique opening sequence???

Oh this music is jazzy af

Sam really doesn't like the Max spores

Sam how do you already know what Max's insides look like???

"Even when he's not a collasal monster Max's food comas can last for weeks."

Ok we wake Max up with the coffee beans, right?

Yup!

The gi Max spore is so sad he doesn't get to come 😢

"But I'm a horrible monster!"

"I suppose Max's brain always looks like a living room?" "Well, Max is host to all kinds of weird parasites, and he likes to he a good host!" WHAT

No really, this brings up so many questions about lagomorphs. Are they some kind of Symbiote or something?

And a previous episode confirmed Max is amphibious

Max has tumors!!!

It shocked Sam!

"Eugh! Get away fake Max!" "Do you find my warmth... alarming, Sam?"

"What do nightmares taste like, anyway?" "Pepsi"

Max wants to be author 💗

He also writes fanfiction about Flint 🤣

I'd unironically read his books.

Tina Belcher voice: Friend fiction

Max has an experimental fusion jazz band???

"He just killed a great white shark--"

Max being completely unable to describe a woman is very gay of him. Good for him.

Max's brain teleported everyone to different parts of the body.

Found Sybil in the gym/legs

The brain is broadcasting Sam's thoughts???

Sam couldn't think of a joke for the medicine balls :(

"Wow Max is looking pretty buff. Would it be too weird if I asked him to turn around?"

Sam! Stop thinking bad things about Sybil's pregnancy she can hear you you putz!

She's upset with him now

"Can you believe this guy?" "I find the entire situation to be very contrived and misogynistic." Same spore Max, same.

Sam stop being so mean omg!

"I changed Sybil, I totally get the whole parenthood thing now." "Really now?" "Tax deductions."

In Max's inventory now

Y'know, I never really thought about it as a storage house

Hit The Road reference :3

Baby roach hatched in

"Pa..papa?" "Now I am little champion, now I am!"

Max has a Maximus shrine

Sam turned into a roomba!

Aw, he named it Sam Jr 🥺

We won Sybil back through his love of Sam Jr

Found the conjoined twins

Huh, Max lost as eye. Does that mean he has a glass one, or do lagomorphs have regenerative abilities?

Pfft we have to play twister to control his arma

The brain is messing with things again

Oh, we need a roach to operate the game because of radiation

Well, let's kidnap Sal

Oh, poor Girl Stinky. She's really going through it

Aw, Sal feels bad

Sal?

Honey, are alright?

He's dying???

He's not immune to irradiation!?

Oh no, he's gone

I'm so sad 😞

Gotta pick up Sam Jr. Before I control Max

They mad Max do a magical girl pose

Ugh the narrator is back

Wait, what?

He's Max's brain??? SUPEREGO???

WHAT

"I was always ignored" Yo if my super ego was as pretentious as you I 'd ignore it too 😤

He wants to kill himself and Max???

I know Max had a self loathing complex but holy shit

The super ego is perfectly fine with destroying half the east coast what a jerk

Just noticed Sam's tie is red. Had no idea about this while drawing PI!Sam lol

We have to help Max get his memories back to use the ASTRO projector

Skunkapes has three Sam clones imprisoned

Sam had canon ocd?

Gasp Gordon???

No, it's Sammun Mak

I love him, little child tyrant

Just make him a mobile brain in a jar and let Sam and Max adopt him

Why is Grandpa here?

He isn't talking like Stinky

Too polite

Sam sees it too

He's a space gorilla

They switched brains?

Found the cloning g chamber

Let's go to Momma's first

CONE OF SHAME CONE OF SHAME CONE OF SHAME

Superball is "wracked with guilt"

"Keep it together Superball. Sam will be able to save the day. He always does."

Ok, let's go to the cloning facility

I'm still thinking about poor Sal yo

FLIIIIIINT!

He's punching space apes!

Girl Stinky really playing up the evil Mistress role

The doggleganger has a bomb on him!!!

Wait so Girl really is a mermaid??? I thought that was just her aestetic

God I love Flint

Haha we tricked Skunkape with scooby doo villain tactics

Got the robot

Her water broke... and it was pennies

Max wants to save Sybil! 😭🥺💕

Super Ego is here

Oh now he wants to save Max

The only thing here are those records

Super Ego waved goodbye

Cthulu Max is cute when he cries

Wait What?

His head is on fire!

The maimtron hit him!

He waved goodbye... and teleported away.

He exploaded!!!!

He promised he'd take Sam with him and he didn't!!!!

AAAAAAH

I thought the dead Max thing was popular angst fanon fic thingy!

We're cloning Max?

It didn't work 😭😭😭😭😭

Superball ran off crying

Oh God the credits are just Sam walking sadly what the hell

He's not even stopping to fight any crime 😢

💔💔💔

God the way he's clinging to himself

What?

The elevator???

MAAAAX

he's back???

Past Max???

He blew his Sam up???

Wait hold on I'm glad they're together again but this doesn't fix anything

There's so much trauma from this season

All the horrible things that happened during 301-304 happened in like 3 days tops, then Sam had to deal with Max being a monster for a week before watching him die!

And the new (?) Max had BLOW HIS SAM UP!!!

And they left the franchise like that for a decade????

What the hell?

I want to be happy but this shit is going to consume my brain for the next week at least what the hell

Aaaaaaah!

Like maybe they really do just brush it off but it feels unlikely

I know Max has a connection with his other selves so it'll be easier for him to adjust but certainly Sam is going to notice the discrepancies since he doesn't get the same deal

Someone told me there were multiple endings hold on

Aw, they walked off into the sunrise together

But still

AAAAAAAAH

[thekisforkeats]

The Way You Say My Name

Info: The Magnus Archives, JonMartin, rated T for swears. Canon-Compliant. Set immediately post-MAG 22. Martin is trans and Jon is amab non-binary.

CWs: Guilt, self-recrimination, worms (mentioned), arguments, shouting, crying, lying (Martin lying about his CV still), transphobia (mentioned), misgendering (mentioned), child abuse (mention of Martin Blackwood's mother) 

Summary: Just after MAG 22, Jon apologizes for his treatment of Martin over the past few months. Or tries to, anyway. It's hard to apologize to someone when you don't understand exactly what it is you've done to upset them.

(Of course, once Jon's apologized and Martin's relaxing, well... that's when Jon will finally notice he actually likes Martin, isn't it? Not that he's going to admit to that, even to himself.)

Shoutout to the Martin Blackwood Lovers Discord Server, without whom I would not have written this up and posted it. ;) Jon’s dialogue was (mostly) written by @marianfuckinghawke.

--------------------------------------------------------

“Recording ends.”

Jon reached out and pressed the stop button on the tape recorder. He sighed and looked at his phone. The message from Jane Prentiss was still glowing on the screen. He ran a hand through his short hair, aware he was mussing the grey-streaked black and deciding he didn’t care.

He had listened to Martin’s account of the encounter with Jane Prentiss with trepidation and worry. Now he could feel his face settling into something more drawn with concern. First, concern for his two assistants who were out of the Archive at the moment. Second, concern for Martin. The man had gotten himself into this mess because of Jon’s words. Due diligence. Was he really such a hardass that he had put one of his subordinates in harm’s way? How had he not realized that it might come to this?

Martin sat fidgeting, shifting in his seat, and Jon could feel the other man’s soft brown eyes on him. He had the look of a frightened, cornered animal and it cut Jon to the quick. He had done this. Jon was responsible for the man’s state, and he had to figure out how to make it better.

There was silence for a solid three minutes. Then Martin opened his mouth to say, “So if I’m going to be--”

Jon started speaking at exactly the same time. “So obviously you’re--” He blinked and said, “I’m sorry--”

“No, no, you go,” Martin said, raising his hands and waving them rapidly.

“No. It’s alright… go ahead,” Jon replied at the exact same time, then frowned.

Martin cleared his throat, then seemed to gather his courage. “Well. I was going to say. If I’m going to be staying here, I’ll need… things. Like, uhh, there’s a cot, but I’ll need, like… a toothbrush? I mean, you don’t have a stash of those sitting around, do you?” He chuckled in a self-deprecating manner.

“No, I do not,” Jon replied. “Nor do you have a proper change of clothing… you can hardly wear the same outfit for however long this will take, and you won’t want to sleep in what you’re wearing.” He had a sudden mental image of Martin sleeping naked, and cleared his throat while he shoved it away. Hardly an appropriate thought about a co-worker, even if it wasn’t remotely sexual. “We will have to go out and get such things for you… perhaps after I brief Tim and Sasha on the situation.”

Martin nodded. “There’s a room that might be, umm… did you know one of the rooms that’s filled with boxes is supposed to be the break room?” He gave that self-deprecating laugh again. “‘Course you know that, stupid, what am I saying…” He glanced aside, cheeks flushing. “Umm. Anyway. Umm. It’s bigger than the room you’ve got the cot in? If… if… I’m going to be staying here… I could clean it out… make it livable, maybe, umm, get some snacks and tea and things in, and there’d be more room for extra cots… in case you need somewhere to stay late or… something…” A pause. “Or not! Or just. You know. I’ll just. Have lots of time, so. I can. Clean. The break room.”

Jon did not, in fact, know that they’d had a break room at all. It had been frustrating to have everyone going up to the Admin break room on the ground floor, and he’d said so more than once. No, wait… had someone told him, and had he just told them off about clearing the room out?

He was suddenly horribly aware of how many times he’d griped at Martin for going up there to make tea that he had then gone ahead and drunk. How had he been such a prick to this man?

When Jon had started as Head Archivist, he’d had all sorts of plans for team morale, bonding exercises, and the like. He’d always hated them personally but they were the sort of thing bosses were supposed to do. The trouble was that all of his “how best to run the Archives as a team” ideas had flown right out of his head once he’d gotten down there and found himself at a desk where a woman had maybe died, struggling to record statements, dealing with doggy messes, and that damned persistent feeling of being watched.

Well, now was as good a time as any to start acting the way he should have all along.

“Martin… we will clean the break room. Together. As a group.” He ran his hand through his hair again. He really was going to look a mess. “It is a communal space, it will be a communal job.” He added quickly, “Yes, I know you’ll be here more than the rest of us, but I want us all involved. We need…” He sighed. Time to apologize. “I have been… less supportive of you than I should. And…” He swallowed, aware of the flush rising on his cheeks. “I feel I must apologize. So… I am sorry. But we should do more together, especially given that circumstances have escalated.”

Martin blinked at him for a moment. “You’re… sorry. For… being less… supportive than you should have been.” There was a hard-to-read undercurrent in his tone.

“For being… rude to you… and for punishing you…” Jon replied. “Unjustly.” He gestured to the recorder. “All of this… happened because of your adherence to my instructions…” He frowned. “So. I’m sorry.”

“Well,” Martin snapped, “at least you’re finally realizing that it was… unjust.” He glared at Jon, who suddenly felt pinned to the spot by eyes that were no longer soft but had gone hard as agates.

Jon blinked at Martin. “Are… are you alright?” He was apologizing! He couldn’t be messing that up this badly, could he?

Martin drew a long breath in through his nose. “Yeah,” he said, in a high-pitched, clipped tone. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He went to stand abruptly, pushing away from the desk, and in that same tone, “Well, you’d better get to… briefing people, then. I’ll just… go see how far my paycheck can stretch in Chelsea.” His tone was dripping with bitterness by the end.

Jon stood up. “Martin!” He was vaguely aware of saying it in the same irritated tone he always used for the man’s name, aware that Martin visibly flinched at the word, and tried to moderate his tone. “What is going on? I am apologizing! Is… am I missing something?” He moved around the desk to try to be sure Martin didn’t just leave without finishing the conversation.

“No,” Martin said, stopping while facing the door, tone still a good two octaves above normal. “No, it’s fine. You’re apologizing, and that’s good.” His whole frame was stiff, though, and his tone practically screamed “lying.”

Jon couldn’t read people all that well, but even he could read the signs Martin was giving off. “While your words are clear, your body language says quite otherwise.” He tried to moderate his tone again, but he couldn’t help sounding mildly irritated. He didn’t like being lied to, especially concerning his own actions, and he wasn’t sure what he had done incorrectly in this situation. “Now will you stop and talk to me?”

Martin turned away from the door, faced Jon, jaw set firmly. “What do you want me to say, Jon? Do you want me to… to forgive you? To say ‘oh, sure, you’re sorry, so that makes up for the last six months where you’ve made me want to quit my job every day?’ Am I supposed to… to… just… oh, well, there’s danger, so now you’ve realized I’m an actual person, now you’re going to stop kicking me around, now you’re going to pitch in to help around here as I’m not already the one spending all his time trying to clean up the mess while Tim and Sasha run out to research things so you don’t have to send anyone to double-check my work? Never mind that I’ve been trapped for two weeks, I could’ve been dead and none of you bothered to check on me!”

Martin was all but shouting by the end of the diatribe, every line of him stiff and furious, and Jon was suddenly very aware of the fact that Martin was taller and bigger than he was. He cringed away from Martin, took a step back. “I… I…” He turned away to his desk, grabbed his phone. “Here…” he said, handing it to Martin. “Look!” The phone would solve the problem, if Martin could just see… “There… I… just… please…”

The moment Jon had cringed away Martin had hunched his shoulders, deliberately making himself smaller. Now he was taking long, deep breaths, his expression ashamed. He reached out to take the phone from Jon.

The display was still on the screen of Jon’s message history with Martin. Before the last message from Jane Prentiss was a long list of messages from Jon--numerous messages inquiring about Martin’s health, worried and concerned. He had linked articles about foods to eat when feeling ill, then when he’d realized some of those might be hard for Martin to make alone, found new links that had easier recipes.

There were also, Jon knew, greyed-out deleted messages.

Martin, know that your presence is missed here at the Archives. I am wishing you a quick recovery.

I know it’s sudden, but I find myself missing you. Just thought you should know.

And others, so many others, as Jon had tried to figure out how to pierce the wall built by the texts he’d been getting back from what he now knew was Jane Prentiss, asking to be left alone.

As Jon watched Martin reading the messages he nervously bounced in place, one arm folded over his chest to hold the other. He could feel his skin glowing from embarrassment and he wasn’t even sure why. The blush faded, however, as he watched Martin. Watched the anger fade, and realized what lay underneath. The pain that had been underlying that anger, the way it lifted as Martin read through the message history--it was like a revelation. Martin must have walked in here convinced nobody at his place of employment really cared about him, and Jon realized that that was, indeed, what he must usually think, if something as simple as text messages was making something like hope bloom on his face.

It occurred to Jon, suddenly, that nobody had checked on Martin. For two weeks. No friends, no family. Nobody had even noticed the man was gone.

Jon had to fix this. Somehow. And not by wrapping Martin up in a fierce hug like he very much wanted to; that would not be appreciated from the man’s asshole boss. Even if Martin looked like he really, really needed a hug.

By the time Martin handed the phone back to Jon, his breathing was shaky and unsteady. He dropped back into the chair, like his legs suddenly weren’t working. “S-sorry,” he managed in the barest of whispers. “Sorry.”

“That’s… my line,” Jon said. “I am sorry. I should have said more to make it clear… you are a valued member of this team.” He shook his head, wincing at how… canned that line sounded, but pushed on. “I should have said it at least once. And… I never did. I held you at arm’s length and ostracized you. And… I understand how you felt all that time now…” He sighed. “And… yes, it may have taken this incident to make me realize how terrible a person I’ve been to you since… since you started working here.”

Martin stared down at his hands; Jon could see he was crying, but silently, without sniffling or sobbing. “Why?” he finally managed. He looked up at Jon. “Why? What did I… do? I mean… there was the whole ‘dog’ business at the beginning… what, do you hate dogs that much?” There was a kind of desperation in his tone.”

“No… I mean, sure I’m more of a cat person, but… no… I don’t hate dogs.” Jon frowned. “I… I’ve given that a lot of thought these past two weeks and I think I figured it out.” He sighed. “It wasn’t you I was angry with.” He took a breath. “I was angry at Elias. I like to have a sense of who I work with, to get to know them before I get into anything serious.” Oh, no, wait, that sounded… he hadn’t meant it like… work. He’d meant work! No, he was overthinking that; Martin knew he meant work. He stammered for a moment, though. “It’s… part of who I am… as a person.

Jon took a breath, to steady himself. Focus on the apology. “When Elias… placed you here without telling or consulting me about the selection process, it… felt like a betrayal. I felt that agency over my department had been taken out of my hands. And yes… I know he runs the Institute, but he should have at least consulted me about who is in my department.”

He dropped his head and reached to take a box of tissues from the side of the desk, to slide them towards Martin. An olive branch. “I took out that anger and frustration on you. And that was wrong, I know that now.”

“Not like I wanted to be here either,” Martin mumbled, reaching out for a tissue and wiping at his eyes. It didn’t do much to stop the tears. “I mean, I didn’t even want the damn library job, I j-just…” He stumbled, stammering, “It’s… it’s harder to get a position with a degree in parapsychology than you might think.” He sniffled. “B-but… even on top of that… you and Tim and Sasha, you’re all friends already, you requested them. Even if Tim and Sasha and I get along they don’t really know me, and you… well…” He sighed. “When Elias said I was going to work for Jonathan Sims I just about freaked out. You’ve got a… reputation, you know? I just… I knew it’d be… lonely down here, and it really has been.” There was a furrow between his brows now as he looked at Jon.

Jon frowned. He’d known he had a reputation around the Institute, but he hadn’t thought it was that bad. He took a deep breath; this wasn’t about him right now. “Then let us work on fixing that. Starting now. Like I said, we need to be working together more, improve the… office atmosphere. I… have come to admire your dedication to your work. ‘Due diligence,’ as you put it.”

Martin regarded him quietly for a moment. Then he said, “The thing that really bothers me… I don’t… I don’t think you’d understand.”

Jon frowned. Then, finally, softly, “Try me. You might be surprised.”

Martin swallowed. “I… I’m trans,” he blurted. “Like, I was… I had a girl’s name, when I was younger. Figured out I was a guy when I was a teenager, started hormones, and… well…” He took a deep breath. “My mum’s never approved, you know? She’s always been… difficult, she’s… sometimes she’ll… well, I mean, you know how parents will… say your name, right? Like, when you’ve… disappointed them.”

Jon’s frown deepened. He did not, in fact, know how parents said one’s name, but he could remember his grandmother saying Jonathan in tones of deepest disapproval when he’d come back from wandering off. So he nodded; he understood the feeling, at least.

Martin wiped at his eyes again. “The way she said my name… it made me hate my name. My deadname, I mean. But it… helped me realize I was trans, because when I thought about something else I’d want to be called, I came up with ‘Martin.’ And… and I’m kind of glad sometimes, that she… misgenders me, and refuses to call me Martin, because it means she’ll never, ever say it in that… disappointed tone. I have never regretted that choice, not once, until…”

Martin took in a long, shuddering breath, then straightened himself, looking Jon right in the eye. Like he knew what he was going to say wouldn’t go over well, but he had to say it. “The way you say my name, when you snap at me? It’s exactly like my mother says my deadname. And nobody has ever made me regret that choice. Not… ever.” He swallowed. “Until I met you.”

Jon stared at Martin for a long moment, horrified. He was non-binary himself, and yet he’d never changed his name, never even asked people to call him by different pronouns although he might have preferred it; he’d never had the courage to do so. He’d always been terrified of what people might think of him. Yet here was Martin, strong enough to change himself outwardly despite his mother’s disapproval, strong enough to keep coming in every day to deal with a boss who made him regret the name he’d chosen for himself.

In that moment, Jon felt very much like he did not deserve Martin Blackwood. That the Institute did not deserve Martin Blackwood. They would have to do better, somehow.

Finally he managed, “I’m… I didn’t know. I--” He curled his mouth in disgust. How did one respond to that? Do better? That was only a marginally acceptable platitude. “I will endeavor to change my tone.” He didn’t like that any better, but it was the best he could do.

Jon really, really wanted to offer Martin a hug. The man looked like he needed one. Tim would have offered a hug, workplace hugs could be acceptable… but, no, Jon was Martin’s boss, and Martin had just said how much he hated Jon--because if Jon reminded Martin of the mother who deliberately misgendered him, then he had to hate Jon--and who would want a hug from someone they hated?

There was something he could do to help, though. To pay Martin back, as it were. So he, too, straightened, and said, “Well. You were talking about how far your paycheck will stretch in Chelsea, but I think that will be quite unnecessary. Given that you encountered Jane Prentiss while in the line of duty, as it were, I think we can expense your essentials to the Institute without too much trouble.”

Martin’s eyes widened. “W-wait… won’t that… I mean… won’t Mr. Bouchard be… upset about that?”

Jon actually smirked. “Don’t you worry about Elias; I fully intend to take out my irritation about his habits as a supervisor on him instead of you from here on out.” Not directly, of course, but Elias would be irritated by the entire setup, and some petty part of Jon enjoyed that thought.

Martin was staring at Jon now. “I… I wouldn’t want you to… get in trouble…”

Jon waved a hand. “It’s the least I can do.” He stood. “Let’s get to the shops for toiletries before they close and then we can see about getting some clothing delivered. And, ahh, do you have any… prescriptions you’ll need…?” He was thinking about hormones. “I suppose I could send Tim ‘round to your flat, but I wouldn’t want to put him in danger either…”

Martin stood, hesitating. “I’ll… figure all that out. It’s alright. Really.”

Jon came around the desk to grasp Martin by the arms and look up at him, intently. It was the closest thing to a hug he’d let himself get to. “Martin,” he said, as gently as he could manage, with as much respect as he could manage, “you put yourself in danger because of the way your superiors at this Institute have treated you. Let me at least begin to partly repay that debt. Please.”

Martin was blinking down at him. “Uh… umm… aren’t we having… Mr. Bouchard repay the debt…?”

Jon smiled up at Martin as he dropped his arms. "Ahh, but we’re not going to ask Elias to come help clear out the breakroom. Can you imagine him moving boxes?” He could feel the smile edging into a grin. “His arms would break just from trying to pick one up.”

Martin had started to smile, hesitantly. That was what Jon had been going for; he hadn’t realized how much he actually liked Martin’s smile until he hadn’t been around for two weeks. “I-I mean… you’re not the biggest guy yourself… you might have the same problem.”

“Mmm, fair,” Jon replied, “but I am willing to scrub a floor if I must.”

Martin’s smile widened. “Y-yeah, I can’t imagine… Elias… scrubbing a floor.” He giggled, suddenly. “He probably pays people to do that stuff. He… he’d probably have been hopeless stuck in his flat for two weeks.”

Jon laughed at the mental image of Elias Bouchard stuck in a flat, living off canned meals, a laugh so full he actually threw his head back a bit. “Good lord, Elias, having to live off tinned peaches? Can... you... imagine?”

“H-he’d… probably… start shouting for Rosie.” Martin was giggling so hard he could barely get the words out. He put on a bad posh accent and said, “‘Rosie, why do we have all these tinned peaches? I did not approve this budget!’”

They both dissolved into helpless laughter, both reaching out to the other to hold themselves up. There was a moment, as the laughter waned, that their eyes met, and Jon felt something swoop and flutter in his gut. Martin had such a nice smile, and such a pleasant laugh, and it would be wonderful to have both around more often, and it was making him a little dizzy if he was being honest. When was the last time he’d felt that swoop and flutter? Georgie? Briefly, with Tim?

No, no, that was the laughter and the proximity. That was all. They were bonding over dislike of Elias. That was all.

At least he’d managed to clear the air.

Jon straightened, and kept smiling as he turned toward the door. “Come along, then, Martin,” he said, and again deliberately infused the word with as much respect as he could muster. “Let’s get to the shops.”

Martin nodded. “Thanks for this, Jon,” he said, and oh dear there was another swoop at the way Martin said his name. Had he always said it like that? Had Jon just not noticed? “Really. Thank you.”

Jon turned away to school his expression. This would not do. He was not going to let himself feel any more… swoops for a subordinate. It just wouldn’t do. No matter how nice of a smile he had. He did not have a crush on Martin, because he could not have a crush on Martin, and that was that.

Feeling a little better--it was always a relief, sorting out his emotions--Jon headed out to help Martin get settled into the Archives.

[uzumaki-rebellion]

“Black Boys Bloom Thorns First: Volume 3, Chp. 9″

"Black Butterfly, sail across the waters Tell your sons and daughters what the struggle brings Black Butterfly, set the skies on fire Rise up even higher So the ageless winds of time can catch your wings"

Deniece Williams – "Black Butterfly"

Disa spotted Pamela in the middle of the floor.

The moment the beat hit her ears, Pamela threw her head back and tossed her ass in a circle letting Disa know it was good to go.

The beginning was always the difficult part of her sets when she was trying to create a montage of feelings through sound. There were peaks and valleys she had to hit in order to hold the audience hostage. She almost lost it halfway through Zana High Life when the host shouted out DJ Geechee Dan standing on the side of the stage. Disa had been trying to find him up in the VIP section and he was right there, less than twenty feet from her watching her cut up a live mix.

It was Erik that saved her from bumbling her set as she focused on him moving instead of Geechie Dan being so near her. He came out of nowhere and she had no idea he could dance so well. The boy showed out and Pamela tried to keep up. It brought a smile to her lips to see him grab her homegirl and dance Pamela around. No one had ever been able to hang with her, and Erik pushed the woman to go all out.

Disa reeled everyone back in when she let Erik's voice quote "Beloved" over the music. He matched the tone of the syncopated beats. It sounded romantic. Dreamy. She took a respite and let the mix play as she watched him dance. So fluid. Like water. She knew he practiced capoeira and decided to go off script and freestyle her set. Dragging down some berimabau sounds, she cued up a Brazilian jam and dropped it on top of her own drumming in time to the stringed instrument. It struck like a thunderbolt on Erik and it shocked her to see him backflip and hold his body in a handstand as his legs moved in slow motion before he crouched on the floor low and swayed to the ancient sounds.

The boy was bad.

Loose hips and expressive arm movement fooled everyone into thinking he was just jamming instead of showing off a martial art. Disa was in awe and almost missed her next transition cue because she was so mesmerized by him. How could that brainy, standoffish, and arrogant man-child turn into a snake-hipped God of the dance?

Pamela jumped back on him and Disa played with them both by skipping her planned closing and taking the two of them to the Black Queer spaces she roamed with Pamela and friends. Punching up the voice of the icon Selvin Mizrahi, aka MC Debra, Disa brought in ballroom beats.

"That shouldn't have been the question," echoed about the space and Pamela stopped dancing with Erik and pointed a finger at Disa.

"Don't play with me, bitch!" Pamela shouted before she dropped to the floor and duck walked like the diva she was. This attracted their other homegirl Tatum who dipped several times making Yamilet stand aside with weak knees. Pamela played with Tatum in a simulated ballroom battle over Erik's attention until Tatum pushed Pamela aside and twirled around the youngster capturing his attention. The audience roared when Erik dropped into his own duck walk challenging Tatum. Erik's friends howled and the entire venue lost it when he dipped three times in front of Tatum making her storm off in a pretend huff as he duck walked after her before spinning on his back and shoulders. He grabbed Tatum's hand and ground on her ass with the closing notes of Disa's set. Loud whistles and claps erupted, and she waved to the crowd before the lights switched over to the next DJ who looked frightened at the prospect of following up after her.

Tatum rushed over to her swiping back long strands of crimped and twisty hair.

"Girl, your lil man was out here giving what he was supposed to give! Is he…?"

"Erik? No, I don't believe so."

"He was putting that thang on me like he wanted a piece of the good, Sis. He grab on me again like that and I'll let him get a taste."

Tatum's dark brown eyes were glossy from drinking and she followed Disa as she carried her crate of vinyl to the green room.

"He's not the type to turn mean if he knows….y'now…" Tatum said.

"He's very open. I don't think he'd trip to know you're Trans."

"Good. Cuz he could get it from any of these women out here. Did you see him move? I know Pamela is butt hurt that she was not the center of the dance universe tonight."

Tatum watched her tuck her crate under a covered table and push them far back with her jacket on top of it with her computer bag.

"I liked how you closed out your set."

"People liked it, yeah?"

"Yeah, but I worry cuz you know how these niggas be wildin' if you bring in the Fam in hetero spaces. Everybody turns into homophobe and kills the vibe for everybody."

Disa's cell buzzed. She pulled it from her back pocket.

"Yamilet and them. She's out by the car now."

Disa dragged her crate back out and Tatum carried her computer bag for her. They headed outside to the parking lot. Yamilet was there with Pamela, and Essie. She opened her trunk and Disa dumped her stuff. The women gave her joyous hugs and high fives before they traipsed back in to catch the other DJs.

Erik ran up to her breathless.

"Hey! I thought you were leaving!"

Disa patted his arm.

"No, just putting my gear away. Erik, these are my friends…"

She introduced everyone, and Erik shook their hands. Tatum and Pamela gave him big hugs and Yamilet snapped her fingers at him.

"Geechie… Hey! Geechie Dan, hold up!" Erik shouted.

Disa's heart dropped in her belly. Erik shook her idol's hand and brought him over to Disa.

"This is Disa Abdullah-Woods, your biggest fan," Erik said.

"My dear, sweet, woman, you are a master class of gifts. That set was-"

Geechie Dan kissed his fingers to end his praise.

Disa held out a trembling hand to him.

"No, that's not gonna do, Buttafly. Bring it in," he said opening his arms wide.

Disa burst into tears.

"Hey, I'm nobody to cry over," he whispered.

Geechie Dan gave Disa a big hug, and she stood there like a blubbering baby. The years that she spent practicing what she would say to the man if she ever met him in person went straight out the window. She used to laugh at people who became overly emotional meeting celebrities, but now she totally understood the overwhelming feeling that surged through her.

She wiped her eyes and Erik rubbed her back with gentle circles.

"I've been a fan since I was a little kid," she stammered out.

"Erik here told me. I told him how much I enjoyed his dancing and he just went in about you."

A crowd surrounded Geechie Dan, but he ignored them, his twinkling eyes on her.

"It has been a long time since I've seen a DJ create a set with so much intention behind it. You have something special in you, young lady. Never lose that gift."

Disa's mouth seemed to lose all ability to work. All the things she wanted to say stalled in her throat. He was there in the flesh. Standing in front of her.

"Disa has a radio show you should go on," Erik suggested.

"Oh yeah? Give me your number. I'll call you up and we can chop it up."

Geechie Dan pulled out his cell and Disa gave him her number, her voice a soft shell of its usual assertive tone.

"When I get some free time, I'll hit you up. Excuse me, they want me back up on stage. Amazing set, Disa. Keep spinning!"

The man shook her hand with both of his and his entourage and promoters swept him away.

"She's still in shock," Yamilet said waving her hand in Disa's face.

Erik's bright smile attracted her attention. Had he not spoken to the man, Disa may very well have missed her opportunity to meet him, let alone remember to ask the man for a radio interview. Her mind floated with the surreal nature of the experience. Her cell buzzed.

Here's my number. I'll be in New York in a few weeks, would be open to an in-person radio interview.

Geechee Dan's personal cell number. She had it. In her palm.

Disa reached out and grabbed Erik's shoulders. She planted a big fat kiss on his lips.

"Damn, what was that for?" he said.

"Being here," she said.

He wiped his lips and smiled.

"Erik…"

Chloe slinked up and slipped her arm in Erik's, tugging him towards the dance floor. Disa watched him enter the thick crowd of swaying bodies to dance once more.

###

Her night was a dreamy success.

Disa stayed in a popular hotel with her friends, and they hung out in the bar. Erik strolled into the lobby with his friends. In a tipsy stupor, Disa walked over to him with a fresh drink in her hand. "Didn't know you were staying here too," she said.

He took the drink from her and sipped it down.

"Hey… you can't drink this here out in the open, you're underage!"

She snatched it away from his lips.

"Nah, it's after midnight… I'm twenty-one now," he said.

"Oh, shit. It's your birthday? Today?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Erik!"

She hugged him tight and gave him the glass of liquor.

"Enjoy," she said.

"What room are we in?" Jace asked.

Erik's dorm companion looked sleepy along with two other guys.

"301," Erik said handing Jace a key card.

Disa's friends called for her to return to the bar counter.

"Come celebrate with us," she said pointing to her group.

"I'm beat, to be honest. Thanks for asking me though."

"If you change your mind, we'll be down here."

"Good to know."

"Thanks for everything, Erik. Tonight was really special and meant a lot to me. Especially with you hooking me up with Geechie Dan."

"Glad to make your dream come true."

His eyes penetrated hers.

"Okay grown-ass man, go to bed," she said pushing on his arm playfully.

"You're drunk," he teased.

"A happy one at that," she said stumbling off to join her girls.

Three more drinks later, after a heated discussion with a group of men who hovered around them trying to interject their unwanted opinions about dating, Disa leaned over the bar counter and asked for a special birthday cocktail for Erik. She went to the lobby restroom, collected the drink afterward, and excused herself from her friends. She took the elevator to the third floor and found Erik's room. The fruity exotic drink had a lot of strong liquor in it. Knocking on the door, she waited for someone to answer. She could hear a tv on and talking going on inside.

Kelvin, a cute nerdy string bean answered the door.

"Is Erik up?" she asked.

Kelvin's eyes nearly popped out looking at her.

"You were so good," he yelped.

"Thank you… um… Erik?"

"He's not here."

"Not here? Did he go out?"

"No, he's in that room," Kelvin said pointing across the hall to room 302.

"Thanks," she said.

Kelvin closed the door and Disa did a one-eighty and rapped her knuckles on the new door. She toyed with the blue umbrella and pineapple garnish on his drink. Erik answered. Shirtless and wearing tight gray boxers.

"Hey," she said.

"Um… Hi. 'sup?"

"Birthday drink. A proper one."

She thrust it out to him and tried to brush past him, but he held an arm up in the door jamb blocking her. Her brain failed to register that he didn't want her inside, and she bumped against him, her breasts touching his chest.

"I can't come in?"

"I have someone here," he said.

Her eyes cut behind him. Chloe was draped in nothing but a sheet, the tops of her breasts threatening to spill over her arm that clutched the covers.

"Oh, snap. I'm sorry. I thought you were staying with the guys over there. Didn't realize you had your own room. Here, enjoy the drink," she said.

Erik took the bulbous glass, and his expression was full of embarrassment. He stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him. Disa stepped back from him and fumbled with her hands.

"Handle your business. It's time for me to get to bed myself… get some sleep. Have fun!"

She tried to sound jovial, but something in the back of her throat made her voice accusatory. As if she caught him doing something behind her back. For months she thought of Erik as her little pet. He was her loyal puppy, and she had to admit she enjoyed all the fawning he did over her. But he was also a young man with needs. She tried not to look at the package that was hanging in his underwear. The outline of it was showing off. God forbid if he was a grower too.

"Me and Chloe kinda got this thing going on now…"

"New girlfriend and good birthday sex is a blessing. Night Erik."

She turned to leave and pivoted back to him.

"Can I put on a birthday dinner for you and your family? I know you're planning on eating at Toulouse, but I would love to host your birthday party at my place."

"That's too much Disa. I have a lot of people coming in from all over."

"How many?"

"Fifteen—"

"Pfft, boy, you've been to my dinner parties, you know how I get down. Fifteen is nothing for me."

"The cost alone will be crazy—"

"Let me handle that. You deserve a special day. You made my night amazing, let me show my appreciation. What would you like to eat?"

Erik's eyes grew thoughtful, they dropped to look at his drink.

"I love your Confit de Canard,"

"Aw, I see. I finally got you to give in to duck meat."

"It's gonna be hella expensive."

"Don't worry about it. Let's say six sharp on Saturday, three courses and Turkish coffee with a birthday cake."

His eyes lit up.

"I'll let my people know."

"Tell them to dress up. I'll plan a splendid evening with games afterward."

Erik grabbed her hand and pulled her in close.

"Thank you," he said.

"Better get back to Chloe. Don't want her chewing my head off for keeping all of this out of the bed."

She smirked at him and wandered down the hall.

###

Chloe had a frown n her face when Erik walked back into the hotel room.

"What did she want?"

"Birthday gift," he said holding up the fancy drink.

He sipped it, and the liquor was too strong for his tastes. It would knock him out before he had a chance to smash Chloe. He put the glass on the nightstand and pulled off his boxers. His dick was already at half-mast.

"Why is your dick like that already?"

Chloe sat up, and the frown on her face deepened.

"Looking at you gets me excited," he countered.

Hopping into the bed, he pulled back the sheets and swiped her nipples with his tongue.

"You're attracted to her."

"Disa? That's my homegirl—"

"Everyone knows you have a crush on her. You turn into a puddle whenever she's around."

Chloe folded her arms over her breasts blocking his access.

"If your dick is getting hard for her, maybe you should get some birthday sex from her instead!"

"Chloe. Stop trippin'. I'm giving this dick to you."

He rubbed the hardening length against her thigh. She slapped it.

"Wanna play rough?" he said.

"Was your dick hard for that Trans chick too?"

"What?"

"Disa's friend. The one with the long fluffy hair. You didn't know?"

"No. She fine as fuck though."

"You'd fuck a Trans woman?"

There was disgust on her face.

Erik sat up. He'd been around Trans women and Trans men all his life, especially in Brazil. He had a Trans play uncle in Sao Paulo who used to babysit him and his play cousin Marisol.

"A woman is a woman. She got titties I can play with and a hole I can fuck, I don't see a problem—"

"Ohmigod! You really would fuck her."

"That ass was amazing."

"I can't believe you're serious!"

"Are you a queerphobe? Cuz if you are, that's not gonna work for me."

"No… I just… I can't picture you being like that."

"Like what?"

"Accepting. You're like a man's man—"

"A Transphobe? I wasn't raised like that. My mother would never let me treat people like shit who didn't deserve it."

Chloe stared down at her hands.

"I'm glad to hear that, actually."

"Yeah? Why?"

Her eyes welled up.

"My sister… she's transitioning… he's becoming my brother and I worry about him going up against guys like you."

"Guys like me?"

"Y'know overly masculine. He's coming to visit me in a few weeks and I wanted you to meet him since he's interested in capoeira."

Her eyes met his.

"I didn't mean to be accusatory about Disa's friend. She's beautiful. Prettier than me."

"You're the prettiest woman in this room right now."

She slapped his hand and smiled.

"But you do like Disa. Right?"

"She's my friend. I had a big crush on her when I first arrived on campus, but now… she's like a mentor… a big sister. We're close and she teaches all kinds of cool stuff. I probably do act all goofy when I'm around her—"

"It's cute… really. I just… let's forget about it."

He kissed her. With guilt. Disa meant more to him than just a big sister or a mentor. She was the ultimate woman. But she would never see him as a man.

Chloe wrapped her lips around his dick and rolled a condom on his shaft after she plumped him up to complete hardness. She presented her backside to him and he sank into her walls and pumped, enjoying her soft sighs and cries of passion. He took off the condom much later as she allowed him to fuck her raw in the ass and dump a hot load in her anal walls. She kept his mind off of Disa and those lush breasts that truly made his dick thicken and visibly tell Chloe the truth. Disa was his dream girl. Everyone could see it.

###

The large package arrived at Disa's house the day before Erik's birthday party. She called him on his phone to tell them that a big box with a D.C. return address and B. Dunduza written in black block letters was sitting in her living room.

He drove over to her house, and Disa watched him tear it open. There was a note on top of the bubble wrap.

"Kept these in storage for you. We wanted to wait until you turned twenty-one to have them. Cherish them as we cherish you."

Uncle Bakari and Auntie Shavonne both signed it.

Erik removed the layer of bubble wrap and his heart nearly stopped.

He fingered the old dark brown leather, and a breath shuddered out of him.

"Erik? You alright?" Disa asked.

She put a hand on his shoulder as he lifted the leather-bound journal from the box.

"These are my father's journals," he whispered.

Opening the first journal, he recognized the careful Wakandan script written by his father's powerful hand. They taped a small piece of bubble wrap on the page. Erik unraveled it and gasped before falling on his backside.

"What is it?" Disa asked, rising concern coloring her voice

Opening his fingers, Erik stared at the wondrous gift.

His Baba's ring. Attached to the chain his mother bought for him as an anniversary gift. The chain his father wore the night he was killed by King T'Chaka.

His family birthright.

Now his.

Chapter 10 HERE

###

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[sohotthateveryonedied]

Gender? In THIS Economy?

Read here on AO3!

Summary:

Duke is questioning stuff and goes to Tim for advice. (feat. trans!Tim and nonbinary!Duke)

“Here you go. One Batburger with extra pickles, extra onions, and extra extra mayonnaise.” Duke drops the paper takeout bag unceremoniously into Tim’s lap. “Your taste buds need a tune-up, bro.”

Tim unwraps his burger and takes a bite. Batburger may be questionable when it comes to copyright laws, but damn if they don’t pile on the condiments better than any fast food restaurant in Gotham. “Sounds to me like you simply haven’t reached the sky-scraping level of enlightenment that I have, grasshopper.”

“Enlightenment would have been going to Red Robin and using your uniform to get a discount,” Duke says. He sits beside Tim on the rooftop’s edge, their legs dangling side by side a hundred feet above Gotham’s plunging gray streets. He digs into his own burger and makes a face. “Enlightenment would also be getting the Robin Nuggets next time. This tastes like dried leather.”

“I like it,” Tim says with a shrug. “It has personality.”

“So does raw sewage, but you don’t see me eating that.”

Tim concedes the point. His communicator buzzes in his belt. He checks the screen and discovers an alert from Cass composed entirely of clown emojis and red harlequin diamonds.

Duke notices. “Should we get that?”

Tim pockets the communicator. “Nah, Spoiler’s got it. We have time to relax.” And he’s not about to pass up quality time with the one little brother who doesn’t hate him. It’s hard enough as it is for Tim and Duke to find the time, what with them being on opposite sleeping schedules and work snatching their attention away with grabby, toddler-sized hands.

“Don’t get a lot of that during the day shift,” Duke says. “Every time an alarm goes off, it’s my business.”

Tim knocks him in the side with his elbow. “That’s what you get for turning to the light side instead of kicking it in the shadows with us. More employees to go around.” He sips his soda for a moment. “Why did you come out tonight, anyway? I thought you stayed in on weeknights.”

“Right. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” Duke says it carefully, like he’s testing the waters. “I need advice.”

Tim has to admit that his chest puffs out a little at that. It’s not often people come to him for advice when Dick and Barbara are right there, all full of adult wisdom that Tim is too pitifully shrimpy to possess. “What’s up?”

“It’s kind of...personal.”

“Yes, Bruce does have special powder for suit-chafing. It’s in the cabinet under the first-aid supplies.”

“It’s not that,” Duke says, though he snorts in half-hearted laughter. He looks down at his hands like he’s dreading the words lodged in his throat. “What was it like, realizing you were a dude?”

One of Tim’s eyebrows shoots up. “Oh.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s an invasive question.”

“No, no, it’s fine. You just caught me off guard, is all.” It’s not like this is the first time someone has asked. Tim used to be uncomfortable talking about it, but he’s grown up since then. Talking about his trans journey is as normal as talking about what he did yesterday. He eats a fry. “What do you want to know?”

Duke searches Tim’s face for a sign that he’s lying, that he should back off. When he doesn’t find one, he asks, “How old were you when you figured it out?”

Tim thinks back. “Nine, I think? But even before that, it’s not like I ever really felt like a girl. I knew there was something wrong, but I didn’t know what. When I first heard about what being transgender meant, everything I’d been feeling until then clicked into place.”

“What was it like?” Duke asks, “growing up the way you did? Presenting as a girl when you knew you weren’t?”

Tim shrugs. “I don’t know. It was life at the time. I dealt with it.”

“Was it hard? Pretending to be something you weren’t?”

Tim doesn’t know what answer Duke is looking for, or why he’s so interested, but he won’t ask. “My parents always had this idea of me being the perfect daughter, all obedient and graceful and crap. I’m pretty sure their hope was to eventually marry me off to the highest bidder so they could reap the business benefits.”

“That sounds awful.”

Tim shrugs again. “I didn’t start feeling any different than I should have until around six or seven. I was always a tomboy. I liked doing boy stuff and playing sports, but my parents thought it was a phase I would grow out of. They’d make me wear dresses and go to fancy parties with them, all the while I just wanted to claw my skin off and go home.”

He remembers the nights he would lie awake in bed, imagining what it must be like to have been born someone else. Anyone else. To grow up as a little boy who was allowed to run around, to get dirty, to be himself instead of following some arbitrary guidelines someone else drew up the day he was born. He imagined what it would feel like to answer to a different name than the one he’d been given, which grated on his ears the longer time went on, like an itchy sweater he couldn’t shed. It was hell.

He gives Duke a sly grin. “But the upside of having absent parents is that there aren’t as many people watching you. No one cared if I went to school in the boy’s uniform instead of the girl’s. No one was there to stop me from cutting my hair short the way I wanted it.”

Duke's eyes widen. “You cut your own hair?”

“It went exactly the way you’re thinking. I had to go to the barber the next day and have them fix it because it was so uneven. But by the end of the day, it was the way I always imagined it. I was finally starting to look like the person I wanted to be.”

Duke stares intently at the remains of his burger as if the universe’s answers to an unspoken question were written in sesame seeds. “Did it get better after that? Did you feel...at peace?”

“‘Course not. The world wasn’t magically fixed just because I took a step in the right direction. My problems didn’t go away.” When he says that, Duke looks almost...disappointed? “But,” Tim adds, “it was better than it was before. I still had to act for my parents and the rest of the world, but I didn’t have to hide from myself anymore.”

“How did your parents react when they found out?”

Tim grimaces. “They...didn’t take it well.” He can still hear his father’s voice in his memories, bringing up therapy and camps and whatever places he could think of that would “fix” his little girl.

“But, after a while,” Tim continues, “it was clear that I wasn’t going to change my mind anytime soon. I guess they figured it would be easier to go along with it than fight me every step of the way. They still didn’t like it, but they tolerated it.”

Duke is quiet.

“Why do you ask?” Tim prods.

Duke’s expression doesn’t give anything away. It’s nights like this when Tim can see how perfectly Duke fits into this mental institution they call a family. For all that Duke thrives in the light, he keeps his cards just as close to his chest as the rest of them. He gives Tim a half-smile. “Just wondering.”

“Okay.”

They fall into weighted silence, the scales tipping on either side of their post, but never settling. Tim waits. He finishes his burger and busies himself with reorganizing the pouches in his belt, giving Duke the privacy to think.

“I don’t know,” Duke starts after several minutes, “if I’m a boy.” He looks at Tim. “I think I might be something else.”

“Okay,” Tim says calmly. “What do you feel like?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve always felt different, y’know? When I was a kid, it was because I was smarter than everyone in my class. And it was fine, because I knew what it was and how it worked and why it was a good thing, being the smart one. It made sense. Time went on, the other kids started catching up, but that mismatched feeling never went away. I never felt right in my skin.”

Duke’s face rises to the dark clouds, the Batsignal shining from the top of the police station like a holy beacon. “Then I met Batman. My powers started to come in and everything clicked into place, all at once. That was why I never felt like I fit in with everyone else, because I was different. I had powers. That must have been it.”

“But it wasn’t,” Tim guesses.

Duke shakes his head. “I thought it would be. I mean, what else could it have been, you know? It should have explained why I never felt at home in my identity. But time goes on, I learn how to use my powers, and it fixes some of it, but not everything. There’s still part of me that looks in the mirror and sees something off. Some detail out of place.”

“Do you feel like a girl?” Tim ventures to ask.

Duke folds over the corner of his straw wrapper again and again in tiny triangles. “Nah, I doubt it. I like some feminine things, but I don’t think I’m a girl. Or a guy. I think...I might be nonbinary?”

Tim does his best to channel Bruce’s “supportive dad” energy and smiles. “Okay. What pronouns do you want to use?”

“They/them, maybe? For a while?”

“Duly noted.” He puts a hand on Duke’s shoulder. “I really do appreciate you telling me.”

Duke rubs the back of their neck, their cheeks flushing. “It feels good to say out loud. Not just in my head.”

“Do you think you’re going to tell anyone else? You don’t have to if you’re not ready, but our whole family will support you.”

“Yeah.” Duke picks at their nails, nodding absently. “I know they will. I’m not worried about that.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

Duke takes a deep breath in, and Tim is reminded of a balloon close to bursting. “My parents aren’t dead. I’m going to get them back. And when I do...what are they going to think when they wake up after half a decade and find out that their son isn’t their son anymore? What if they don’t like the person they see?”

Tim can’t say that he hadn’t swum with the same thoughts years ago, back when the person who is Tim Drake was still on the drawing board. But there’s a difference between his situation and Duke’s. “Your parents love you, Duke. They’re not going to stop loving you just because you’ve grown up since they last saw you.”

“What if it’s too much? The superpowers and the crime-fighting and the new gender...it’s a lot to take in.”

“Well, sure,” Tim says. “It might take some time for them to get used to it, but this is who you are. They’re going to love it just as much as they love the rest of you.”

Duke smiles, and if their eyes are a little misty, Tim pretends not to notice.

“Besides,” he says. “If I were you, I’d just lead with the superpowers thing. Anything after that sounds perfectly acceptable.”

[bts-trans]

[KOR/ENG LYRICS] Dis-ease (병) by BTS

Korean

뭔가 놓친듯해 커피 한 모금으로 불안함을 해소 An endless rest 내게 갑자기 다가온 불편한 행복 24 hours 시간 참 많아 하루 종일 잠자도 지금은 no problem 몸 부서져라 뭘 해야 할 거 같은데 마냥 삼시 세끼 다 먹는 나란 새끼 내 죄, 쉬는 내 자신을 물어뜯는 개 Don’t do that 외쳐봐도 성과에 목매 매일 Errday do ma thang, damn if I fail 계속 으르렁대 썩은 동아줄을 tap 불안전해 이건 병 물리적인 건 직업이 주는 stun!

Maybe 내가 아파서 그래 생각이 많은 탓 I hate that 단순하지 못한 치기 어린 나 나도 참 어려 몸만 어른 절뚝거려 인생 걸음 One for the laugh, two for the show Just like I’m so fine

Everyday 나를 위로해 다 똑같은 사람이야 ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step 차분하게 모두 치료해보자고 나의 병 벼벼벼벼병 버려 겁 거거거거겁

마음에도 방학이 필요해 아 그냥 일은 일로 해 I’m ill, 그래 내가 일 그 자체 쉼이란 친구 oh I never liked him 얼마를 벌어야 행복하겠니? 이 유리 같은 병이 때리지 니 머리 병든 게 세상인지 난지 헷갈려 안경을 벗어도 어둠은 안 흐릿해져 이 시간 뒤에 어떤 라벨이 붙건 부디 그게 전부 너길 바래 너의 너, 너

다들 병들이 많아 내가 헷갈리는 건 인간이란 본디 추악함을 가진다는 것 마음의 병의 가짓수들만 400개가 더 되는데 해당 안 되는 자 거 별로 없단 것 Yo 병든 게 세상인지 나인지 단순히 바라보는 해석들의 차인지 그게 다인지 I don’t know 누군가를 바꿔보는 것 그것보다 빠른 것은 내가 변화하는 것

Maybe 내가 아파서 그래 생각이 많은 탓 I hate that 단순하지 못한 치기 어린 나 나도 참 어려 몸만 어른 절뚝거려 인생 걸음 One for the laugh, two for the show Just like I’m so fine

Everyday 나를 위로해 다 똑같은 사람이야 ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step 차분하게 모두 치료해보자고 나의 병 벼벼벼벼병 버려 겁 거거거거겁

(Sick & tired) But I don’t wanna mess up Cause life goes on (Through the fire) 걸어갈게 더 나답게 woah (Walk it, walk it, walk it) 밤이 되면 내 두 눈 감고서 (Walk it, walk it, walk it) 내가 알던 날 다시 믿을래

자 일어나 one more time 다시 아침이야 오늘을 나야 해 가보자고 one more night 이 끝에 뭐가 있을지 몰라 ayy 영원한 밤은 없어 난 강해졌어 불꽃이 터져 I will never fade away

Everyday 나를 위로해 다 똑같은 사람이야 ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step 차분하게 모두 치료해 보자고 나의 병 벼벼벼벼벼 병 버려 겁 거거거거거 겁 버려 겁겁겁 버려

English

It feels like I’ve let something go Easing my anxiety with a sip of coffee An endless rest An uneasy happiness that has suddenly come to me 24 hours is a lot of time I could even sleep the whole day, now it’s no problem I feel like I have to do something body-breaking Me, the brat eating three meals a day to my heart’s content* My crime, being the dog that bites myself for resting Even if I shout out ‘Don’t do that’, I hang myself to success everyday Errday do ma thang, damn if I fail I keep on barking, I tap the rotten rope It’s volatile, this is a disease A natural gun, my job that stuns

Maybe It’s because I’m sick Because I have too many thoughts I hate that My childish self, incapable of being simple I’m still such a child, only my body’s grown up I limp my way through the walk of life One for the laugh, two for the show Just like I’m so fine

Everyday, I comfort myself Everyone’s just the same, ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step Let’s try calmly healing everyone My disease Dis-dis-dis-dis-dis-ease Throw away fear Fe-fe-fe-fe-fe-ar

My heart needs a vacation too Ah, just let work be work I’m ill, yeah, I’m work** itself That Rest guy? Oh, I never liked him How much more do you need to earn to be happy? This glass bottle***, it hits your head Has the world caught a disease or have I? I’m confused Even if I take off my glasses, the darkness doesn’t turn blurry No matter what label we stick behind this time I really hope it’s all you Your you, you

Everyone has a lot of diseases, what confuses me is   The fact that humans, by nature, carry within us an ugliness The fact that there are over 400 diseases of the mind alone, So there aren’t really that many people they don’t apply to Yo, has the world caught a disease or have I? Is it simply a difference in interpretation amongst those who are watching? Is that all it is? I don’t know, it’s faster for me to change Than to try and change someone else

Maybe It’s because I’m sick Because I have too many thoughts I hate that My childish self, incapable of being simple I’m still such a child, only my body’s grown up I limp my way through the walk of life One for the laugh, two for the show Just like I’m so fine

Everyday, I comfort myself Everyone’s just the same, ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step Let’s try calmly healing everyone My disease Dis-dis-dis-dis-dis-ease Throw away fear Fe-fe-fe-fe-fe-ar

(Sick & tired) But I don’t wanna mess up Cause life goes on (Through the fire) I’ll walk on, in a way that’s more ‘me’ woah (Walk it, walk it, walk it) When night falls, I’ll close my eyes (Walk it, walk it, walk it) And believe once again in the ‘me’ that knew myself

Okay, get up, one more time It’s morning again, you have to get through today Let’s go, one more night I don’t know what’ll be at the end of this ayy There is no eternal night I’ve become stronger Fireworks explode I will never fade away

Everyday, I comfort myself Everyone’s just the same, ain’t so special Ay man keep one, two step Let’s try calmly healing everyone My disease Dis-dis-dis-dis-dis-ease Throw away fear Fe-fe-fe-fe-fe-ar

(T/N: * The Korean words ‘새끼/brat’ and ‘세끼/three meals’ are pronounced the same, ‘sekki’. ** The Korean word ‘일/work’ is pronounced the same way as the English word ‘ill’. *** The word ‘병/byeong’ can mean either ‘bottle’ or ‘disease’.)

Trans cr; Aditi Spot Checkers; Yein, Mary, Rinne & Faith @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS