#i think. i think crying after sex revealed something to me about myself that i didn't like

[robertsbarbie]

i think music is such an incredible art form by how horrific it is, it's nice when it sounds good and makes you feel less alone, but i think it's greatest power is the way it allows you to cope with stuff without realizing it at first. saying ugly truths you've locked away and it's horrible to relate so heavily and pretend like you don't when a lot of music is just saying the scary part out loud. and i've found that over and over and over again within my life that the music i listen to is telling me something and being a space for me before i'm ready to admit it to myself and sit with it and grieve it. like music is so beautiful even in the parts that are unbearable

[entitled-fangirl]

The Warden's fears.

Cregan Stark x wife!reader

Summary: the reader is unable to give Cregan a child, and he reveals why.

Warning: talks of sex, childbirth, death, crying, guilt, etc

A/n: I've never seen anyone do this concept, so I gave it a shot!

Masterlist

..............................................................

"My gods, what's the matter?"

Y/n sat on the foot on their bed, her eyes puffy and red with tears. She sniffled and wiped her eyes, "I didn't hear you enter, husband."

Cregan let out a light scoff, hating her answer. She only responded coldly when something greatly bothered her. He shrugged off his cloak, throwing it to the side, "That is not an answer."

She wiped her face again and her shaky voice broke, "What am I doing wrong?"

He tilted his head, "Doing wrong? My girl, what are you talking about?"

"Eleven months, Cregan. Eleven months and still no child."

Oh gods. 

Cregan felt his stomach drop to his feet. 

"I… I didn't know you wanted a child so desperately, my love."

She looked up at him with a horrified face, "Why would I not?"

He let out a breath, cursing himself silently. He kneeled in front of her and took her hands in his. "We already have Rickon. He may not have come from your womb, but he is all I need, my love."

Y/n was Cregan's second wife, his first, Arra Norrey, dying in childbirth. Cregan was devastated at her death, but a few years later, the cold Warden's heart was warmed by Y/n, and they married soon after. 

Rickon was a sweet boy, and Y/n was quick to step into a mother role for him when she married the boys's father. Now almost five, he was growing into his father's shoes more and more each day.

Which brought them to now.

"But my duty is to give you children."

He immediately shook his head. "No. No, nothing of the sort. I… I don't need more children."

She tilted her head in confusion, "You're the Warden. You… you need more children. I… I am to give you children, Cregan. And I can't."

"That's not true!" He argued. 

"Then why is my womb still bare despite our devotion to it?"

Cregan's cheek flushed completely. "Do… Do you think I only bed you to fill you with my seed?"

"Well… not entirely."

He forced himself to take a breath. "I lie with you because I wish to. Because I love you."

"Will you still love me if my womb remains dry?"

Pain erupted behind his eyes.

How could she think that? That he'd leave her?

Because of his own doing, this was entirely his fault.

His grip on her hands tightened. "I… I must confess something to you, my love."

Her eyes flitted up to his, still puffy and red, but at least the tears had paused.

"I… I have kept myself from filling you with child."

"W…what?" She managed to whisper out.

"I did not know that you wished this so desperately. I am very sorry, my love. I did not mean this as a secret."

She sniffled but no words came from her lips as she waited for the entirety of his secret to be exposed.

"I have been drinking a tea from the maester on the nights I believe we'll lay together."

Her jaw went slack. 

"I did not know you wanted a child so badly. That you think yourself only worthy to me if we have children."

She pushed him back as she stood, moving to leave. 

But he was quick, standing and grabbing her wrist.

She spun, beginning to hit his chest as sobs wracked from her body, "HOW COULD YOU?" Hit. "YOU'VE LIED TO ME!" Hit. "AND YOU LET ME BELIEVE I WAS THE PROBLEM!" Hit. "How long would you have let me?" Hit. "I hate you!"

He intercepted her hand this time, his grip strong but not one of pain, "Listen to me." His voice was low, "Will you do this?"

She hiccuped lightly as she stared up at him. Finally, she nodded.

"I took the tea because…" He let out a soft sigh. "Arra died in childbirth. I had nightmares of it every night. Her cold body in my hands, switched for the warm one of my son." 

His eyes watered but he continued, "The nightmares stopped when I met you. And when we wed… they returned. Only... they were different. Changed. It was you dying in childbirth."

Her eyes softened. 

He never spoke of his first wife to her. He hated the reminder of what had happened.

"And so… I take the tea. To keep your womb bare because I.." His voice broke, "…I cannot live knowing I could make the same mistake twice."

"Why did you hide it?" She asked softly.

"It was not purposeful. I figured… you did not wish to see your husband in such a state. Or truly believed that I did not wish to bed you. Or have a child with you."

"But you don't."

"I do," he argued. "I want a child. But… I will not put you through the trials of the creation of one. So, we won't." 

His hand trailed down to her stomach, tracing lightly, "To think of your swelling with my child, growing by the day, only to die once on the bed. I can't bear it."

She thought for a while of what to say. She wished she was mad at him. But how could such a burly man proclaim his fears only to have his wife mock him? She couldn't bring herself to.

"That was noble."

His head snapped up to look at her, "Was it?"

She nodded, "You care for me. You put your manhood aside to keep me safe."

He bit the inside of cheek, "I have."

"Thank you."

His eyebrows raised at her proclamation. "You're truly thanking me? When I should be begging your forgiveness?"

Her gaze softened and a hand came up to his cheek, "I do wish you'd have told me. But I cannot fault you for your fears. I'm suppose to ease them."

"How do you plan to do so?"

Her head tilted, "Have you taken the tea lately?"

He nodded.

"Then let us test it."

A fire lit behind his eyes, "Oh, we've tested it quite often, haven't we?"

A mischievous smile moved across her face, "We have."

His lips moved her hers, a mere brush. "Forgive me for making you feel unable to perform your duty," he whispered.

"What is my duty then, my lord?"

He smiled against her lips, "Being mine."

A laugh came from her, "I'll do my best then."

"Aye. You're already quite good at it."

........................................

@misswynters, @cosmosnkaz, @sithapprentice, @kaniromi, @lovemesomevesey, @its-jackie-bb, @callsignwidow, 8812-342, @nyxbranwenn, @thorins-queen-of-erebor, @kingdomzeldaquest,

[gothicgaycowboy]

accidentally breaking aegon’s nose by riding his face too hard

I was finally able to write something short and sweet aren’t you proud of me 🤭? as always this is my modern aegon who’s parents are rhaenyra and alicent, hope you enjoy it<3 (1.2k words)

You’d think by now you would know how to sit on your boyfriend’s face, but to be fair it wasn’t really your fault.

Aegon had been working you up all day knowing you would be too busy with work to get a moment away. From texting you every dirty thing he wanted to do to you, to sending you pictures of him laying in your bed with his half-hard cock telling you how much he missed you. You didn’t understand what had gotten into him. He’d always had a high libido but he wasn't usually such a tease about it.

Whatever it was though, it worked on you. You had gotten almost no work done, way too distracted by the spam of dirty messages. Just when you thought he was giving you a break, a familiar vibration pulsed from your phone. At that point you knew the drill, make sure no one was around before clicking on the notification.

Aeggs: he's so lonely without you :(

Accompanying the text was a photo of him; naked thighs spread wide, shirt unbuttoned revealing the chain that dangled around his neck, hand squeezing around the tip of his pink leaking cock as it dripped down his pale fingers.

At that moment you craved nothing more than to lick his hand clean, and suck the rest of his cum out of his beautiful cock. Your thighs squeezed together so hard you were sure they would be sore the next day.

You couldn’t take it anymore, so you may or may not have deceived your boss into thinking you were too ill to continue working. Faking being sick is something that everyone has done at some point in their lives—maybe not to go home and fuck their slutty boyfriends but still.

He didn’t even get a word in before you directed him. “Bed, now.”

He may not have been known as the smartest of all his brothers but he could follow orders like no other. By the time your clothes hit the floor Aegon was already laid bare before you. The sight he’d been teasing you with all day, finally within your reach.

“Don’t make me wait for it, baby,” a cocky smile graced your boyfriend’s pink lips. The fucking nerve of him.

“Me, make you wait? Me, tease you? Oh you’re gonna get it now.” You crawled over his body placing your legs on either side of his neck. “Put your hands where I can see them. You’re not allowed to touch me for that shit you pulled earlier, but I’m going to enjoy myself.”

He nodded obediently to your demands, clearly eager to get to work on your ‘punishment’. Without another word you plopped yourself down onto his waiting mouth, tugging his silver hair into your hands like a lead.

His tongue found its way to your clit quicker than it ever had before, causing you to jump with surprise. No matter how many times you two had sex you were always shocked by how fucking good he was at it. “Fuuck, Aegon,” Despite being in control this time you couldn’t help the submissive whines that spilled out of you.

The movements of Aegon’s mouth became more intense as his confidence tended to boost when you made ‘pretty noises’ for him—his words, not yours. His tongue expertly created a pattern of movements through your lips, dipping back and forth from your aching clit to your desperate hole, occasionally sucking at your bud until you could feel your pulse running through it.

He was like a man starved despite the fact that you had just done this very thing the night prior.

“You like that baby?” His question was mumbled against your pussy.

You sighed out of your nose just as upset as you were turned on that he was still so pleased to have you denying him any affection after the stunt he pulled today. “No talking.” Your tone was as harsh as you tugged harder at his locks until his face was completely flush to your cunt.

Still he persisted at his usual strenuous pace. You wanted to cry from pleasure, toes curling on both sides of your boyfriends head. Your hips began to rock at their own speed, meeting his mouth with equal eagerness.

“Yes just like that,” The vibrations of Aegons moans against you soaking core making it impossible to hold off your impending orgasm much longer. You were already so close and it felt like it had just started. Honestly it was a wonder to you how you managed to last even this long with how pent up you were all day.

“I’m gonna come, fuck,” Aegon let out a clear groan of encouragement underneath you. Unconsciously your pelvis began grinding harder against the Targaryen’s face, his nose bumping against your clit when it wasn’t being sucked between his lips. Your back arched as you visualized your peak coming to an end.

Harder.

Faster.

Pelvis meeting skull in a storm of passion.

Without meaning to, you slipped higher up your boyfriend’s face while grinding against him, desperate to reach your end. That’s when you felt it.

Crack.

You broke his fucking nose.

You acted swiftly, pulling yourself off him and making sure he was at least still alive. You gently tugged his face in your hands to gaze in your direction, getting a better look to assess the damage. “Fuck baby are you okay? I’m so sorry, oh shit—” his nose was leaning to the left side of his face with dark streams of blood leaking out of each nostril.

His eyes welled up slightly with tears in his waterline. “Why’d you stop?” Was the first thing out of his mouth.

You were completely blown away by his seeming lack of concern for his own safety. “You’re fucking joking right? Aegon, I broke your nose!”

“Yeah but you were almost done anyway.” He defended, looking more upset that you didn’t come than his bloodied nose.

A smile grew across your lips. How could one person manage to be so frustrating yet so cute at the same time? Your thumbs rubbed softly at the sides of his injured face. “You really are something you know that?” You laughed.

“Thank you.” He grinned before wincing at the pain of moving his face.

“We have to get you to the ER.” You moved away from him, running around the room to pick up both your clothes and dress yourself.

“But you haven’t even—” you cut him off before he could finish his stupid sentence.

“My orgasm is not nearly as important as making sure I didn’t permanently fuck up your nose. Get dressed, please, I’m going to get you an ice pack for that.” You pointed to the centre of his face.

He made a pouty noise but complied nonetheless, tugging some tissues out from the bedside table to absorb the blood running down his face.

You walked to the freezer, pulling out the cold compress. When you made your way back into the room you found a fully dressed Aegon who looked like the cat who ate the canary. You stood in front of him pushing the compress delicately against his nose. “What’s got you so excited all of a sudden?”

He smirk became wider. “Just thinking about how proud my mums will be when I tell them how I broke my nose.”

Your cheeks heated at his words. The image of his mothers mortified faces as he explains to them in detail how his injuries were caused entering your mind. “You’re not funny.”

“Oh I’m quite serious, they’ll be happier than when they found out I actually managed to get into a university without bribing anyone.”

You found out just how genuine he was being a couple days later when he dialed them up on speaker phone for you to hear.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Kim and Chay Accidentally Develop A Pony-Play Fetish

So I saw this post:

And I thought to myself, you know what would be really funny?

Chay is the first one. Kim goes okay. I'm willing to work with this. A warning would have been nice. But he's going to power through any awkwardness, swallow his giggles, and ride his ass. And Kim gets into it. Not like, personally, but he's going to make damn fucking sure his boy is satisfied.

Kim is saying some dumb pony-play shit trying to play into what he thinks is Chay's suddenly-revealed fetish, grabs his hair and tells him to neigh, or says he's gonna break him in like the wild stallion he is.

Chay thinks Kim is the freak.

They're both like Okay, This Is A Bit Weird, But If You're Into It.

They're both very supportive boyfriends. Goals, honestly. One drops a buckwild (haha) fetish in the middle of sex? Fuck it! Guess we're doing that, now!

Afterwards goes something like this:

Chay: so you know how we talked about discussing kinks before, like, doing them? Kim, judging him: oh so now you remember? Chay: EXCUSE YOU??? Kim: ME??? Chay: you're the one that started the pony play!! Kim: You said you were a horse!?!?!

Once they figure out the misunderstanding they're going to die. Rolling on the floor laughing, can't breathe, haven't even put their clothes back on yet. Chay is wheezing.

Chay: you told me to neigh! Kim: and you did!!

Kim committed to the bit (haha) so hard. No hesitation. He just fkn went with it. If Absolutely nothing else, that man is RIDE or die.

But then it gets better. This could easily be a one-time occurrence. Something to laugh at later. But then they get kinky another time, Kim brings out a riding crop, and Chay just. Loses it. Then Kim loses it. He can't even defend himself! He's laughing to much to remind Chay that they already owned the damn thing, and he wasn't thinking of That Incident at all!! It takes him at least half an hour to clam down enough to even try fucking, and they're still giggling the whole time.

After that, one of them buys a gag that looks like a bit. Once again, on the floor cry-laughing for at least ten minutes. (But actually it's so much more comfortable than a ball-gag, may as well use it!)

One night Kim is tying Chay up and Chay goes, "Are you gonna lasso me?" grinning like a menace, then honest to god knickers. He's been practicing. He's going to kill Kim.

All that to say- they eventually, accidentally, end up with a full kit of tack, complete with Kim in this outfit:

thank you @snickerdoodlles for not immediately blocking me when I started this nonsense 🤣💛

[fairyk133]

Ruth Beautè’s Voice Lines [Remastered]/ Errands (Role In Game)

Name: Ruth Beautè Ruth Beau

Kissable? : No (but if you give her flowers, you can kiss her on the back of her hand)

Age: 15-16

Greetings/Bumped Into:

“Morning, Hopkins.”

‘“Howdy.”

“Good day”

“Um..hi?”

“What do you want?”

*Bumps into*

“Oh, my sincerest apologies.”

“Do watch were you are walking..”

“Argh— it’s fine, just watch it.”

Clique people/ or speaking about others in game mode:

“Some people say the most attractive greaser is Jonathan Vincent, but it’s obviously Ricky.”

“Each time that Martin girl dares speaks to me, I wanna kms. Honestly, does she have any real personality? Can’t blame her, she is kinda sad, then again I use her so I guess she’s not all bad.”

“That Harrington gets on my nerves, you know, he payed to win a mock trial session? What a fucking joke, I mean— if you suck at it, you suck at it. Must be hard having no talent or skill. What a dumb stereo typical blonde. Ha!”

“Hey, Gauntheir, wanna know what [block name] said about you?”

“Russell, that Ape? His parents are probably those flints stone people, have you heard him speak? How [R slur].”

“The greasers and the preps will fight? What is this? The outsiders again!?”

“Wiles is so…dead, s-she ruined my name, now boys glare at me…like I’m a whore, how can I be one? I haven’t even had sex yet-!?”

Talking about staff:

“Dr. Crabblesnitch is not fit to run this school, so I took it upon myself to…be his student advisor, meaning, I can tell him we need more clubs, he’ll do it, if I say a student did something, he will believe me. Amazing isn’t it?

“One time, Miss Danvers believed I had a crush on Crabblesnitch….all because I suck up to him. I think she’s on shrooms…”

“Mrs.Peabody allowed me to install new curtains, a vainity, and silk and satin sheets for my bed, for my dorm room. Being class respective certainly has its advantages.

“I told Mr. Burton about my shorts for soccer… saying I need a larger pair, but he says it’s not a big deal…that bald man knows nothing about my body, I don’t want the whole school go know.”

“That dingus Burton! Now everyone has been calling me RUTH BOOTAY! CURSE MY SOMALIAN GENES THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”

“Thanks to Wiles…I feel so dirty Joetta… is this how prostitutes feel after a long day at work?”

“Wait a minute….why am I moping? I can just do what I do best, ruin her life! Oh my gosh ahaHA!”

“I heard the jocks been taking steroids, I know they are but— I can’t snitch on them…Since Max takes them and I’m in his favor. Meaning I won’t be able to use him anymore…”

“Why yes, I am on good terms with all the prefects, they…also help me a lot….more than I need of course….”

“That Edna woman has to be a former convict…”

“Lucky me..I don’t eat her food, I always make mine when’s she out of the kitchen…that hefier can’t cook even if it was to save her self from a UTI…”

“Mista Max, I think I saw [Block name] have substances in their book bag, tell Crabblesnitch and expell that miscreant at once! Go! go!”

“You know…Justin, the Vandervale kid, was right…MONEY TALKS!”

Grooming:

“I don’t look like her…n-no I don’t..”

“Ha, what was Vendome talking about— me looking like Vivian…”

*Sighs* “I wish my hips weren’t so wide..”

“Sexy, as always.”

Being hit (Winning and Getting hurt):

“You’re so dead Hopkins!

“Don’t touch me again you fucking miscarriage looking bastard!”

*Looks around to see any Prefects, take out her rosary and uncaps the bottom, revealing a blade*

“I’m gonna kill you….”

(Can actually cut you and run to Prefect and tell that you tried to kill her fake crying. : Good chance you will be suspended)

“Now you’re crying? So fucking pathetic, good God.”

Random Quotes:

“I miss my Hadid…”

“So what if I ruined her social status, her skin, friend group, and probably made her wanna end it all? She did it first, so do it back to her, now she’s crying? What a waste of half good oxygen! Ugh!”

“You know..that Smith guy is actually kinda funny…”

“Parker is such a dork…and kinda sweet..”

“White trash!”

“You failed abortion!”

“No, Hopkins…you got me all wrong…I don’t wanna take over this school, doing that…is like being a zoo keeper. Why would I wanna be in control of a bunch of…slimy, insolent, animals!? Yeah no.”

“Hey get off of my friend, cocksucker!”

“Let me get help!”

“Oh you gave me flowers…sorry but I’m not kissing you on the mouth, I don’t know where your lips have been…”

“You may…kiss on my hand…” (She’s will rub her hands with head sanitizer afterwards when you walk away.)

Roles:

Pays player 85 dollars to plant drugs in someone’s car.

Pays you 50 dollars if you can give her back rosary Mandy stole from her.

When you investigate the Halloween party, and go in the woods you will see Ruth putting on her ghost face costume, get ready to scare Casey. You will hear a scream and run to it, you will have to help Casey who broken his leg, out of the ditch.

She comes to you when dates Gary and will give you hush money not to tell anyone.

[earthtoharlow]

Faux Love

This was supposed to be easy, right? Pretending to be in love with my best friend, just to satisfy our families’ constant nagging about us getting together. After all, we know each other inside out, every quirk, every flaw. We could easily slip into the roles of a couple without missing a beat.

But as we share knowing glances and laugh at each other’s jokes, I realize that our friendship has always been the foundation of something deeper. It’s as though the love was already there, quietly simmering beneath the surface, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal itself….

“Hi, can I get a venti, half-caff, non-fat, extra-hot, caramel macchiato with three pumps of vanilla syrup, please?” Jean asked, pulling out her wallet for some cash.

“Name?” The man behind the counter asked.

“Jean Louise.” She replied, handing him her cash.

He shook his head at her before nodding behind her. “It’s already been taken care of.”

She followed his line of…head nodding and saw the gentleman who paid for her drink. The man was tall, hair was cut into a mullet. A curly one at that. He wasn’t looking her way but the way he was smirking and pretending to flip through a magazine, confirmed he was the one who paid for the drink.

“Hi, I’m Jack.” He said, extending his hand for her to shake as she stood by the counter to wait for her drink.

Jean ignored his hand and began texting on her phone. She responded without looking up at him. “Jack? That’s kind of boring, don’t you think”

Jack grinned, feeling a surge of confidence at her comment. “Actually, it’s short for Jackman,” he corrected her with a playful tone.

“Jackman? Now that’s more interesting,” Jean replied, a hint of amusement in her voice.

“So, Jean Louise… would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” Jack drawled, Kentucky accent coming out full force.

Jean stared at him for a moment, really taking him in. She first noticed his lazy eye that she couldn’t help but find endearing. He stood in front of her nervously running a hand through his interesting looking curly mullet. He was attractive, very attractive.

“The hottest tea we have for Jack!” The man behind the counter yelled out.

Jean couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as he grabbed his tea and took a small sip. Jack smirked before holding the tea out, offering some to her.

“No, thank you.” Jean laughed, pushing his hand away.

“What time should I pick you up tonight?” He asked with a big smile as he leaned against the counter.

That damned smile.

“A very complicated order for Jean Louise!” The man behind the counter yelled out.

“Ok, Jackman.” Jean said, grabbing her drink and a napkin. “If you can find out where I live, then you can take me out at 7pm. Thanks for the drink!”

Was Jean being kinda rude? Probably but she was nowhere near ready to be in a relationship. And she wasn't a big fan of one night stands. She was 26 for crying out loud! She was done with that. Jack was very attractive though…

***

It was around 6:30 when Jean heard her buzzer go off by the front door, she sighed as she had just sat down on her couch, getting ready to rewatch Gossip Girl for the 20th time.

“Yes?” She called out pressing the button.

“Uh, it’s Jack!”

“Jack who?”

“Man? Jackman, I mean. I know I’m a little early but I gave myself extra time just in case I got lost. I’ve actually been driving around since 6:15 but I didn’t want to seem like a weirdo for arriving so early.” He rambled against the speakers.

“How the hell did you find my location?!”

“You were in such a rush to leave that you left your wallet at the cafe, so being a good samaritan I opened it to find your address and return it. Also, are you going to let me in? It’s starting to rain.”

Jean was too shocked to do anything but buzz him in. She then ran down the hall to her bedroom to find something to wear.

She wanted something that said “I’m not a whore, but I’m not a virgin either.” Not that she planned on having sex with Jack. She was actually going to tell him that they should just be friends, after enjoying this free meal.

She threw on a little black dress, because you can never go wrong with that. And began quickly applying on makeup so that she looked alive.

Jean ignored the knock on the door, Jack could wait a few more minutes. It wasn’t until she heard thunder that she decided to go open the door.

When she opened the door, Jack stood there with that damned smile holding out her wallet for her to grab. Jean grabbed her wallet before walking back to her closet to find some heels to wear.

“So, where are you taking me? I’m starving!”

***

As Jean sat across from Jack at a private bistro, she couldn’t help the feeling of skepticism creeping into her mind. Jack was charming, and everything was going too well. He was different, refreshingly so. She felt more comfortable with Jack than she had with any guy before. Jack seemed to genuinely care about what she had to say. It was weird.

“So, your name?” Jack questioned as he offered Jean a helping of his pasta. Jean opened her mouth and let him feed her.

“Yeah, my mom was really big into literature. Her favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird. My brother's name is Radley.” Jean explained tracing a finger around her glass.

“I love that, hm I’ve never met a Scout before.”

“Well, Jackman. I can guarantee I’ll be your favorite.”

With each passing moment, Jean found herself slowly lowering her guard, allowing herself to enjoy the conversation and appreciate Jack's genuine interest in getting to know her.

After spending the rest of the night talking, Jack dropped Jean back home, walking her to the front door. What shocked Jean the most was that he didn’t lean in for a kiss or ask to come inside. He just said goodnight with a hug.

Maybe she judged Jack Harlow too soon. Of course she knew who he was. He might as well be the mayor of Kentucky. He was nice and seemed like a genuinely good person.

It was a shame she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend right now.

***

AN: New Series!!!! Let me know your thoughts 💋

[dootznbootz]

https://www.tumblr.com/matchanne/749059748512612352/aww-they-broke-up-thats-sad?source=share

^the hades 2 dialogue if you want to analyze it for yourslef?

So analyzing this. I do not like how it makes it seem like "he has a hard time saying no to women" which um, Nausica?

One thing I find fascinating is that it's almost like a fucking Hamilton situation with the whole "I still love my wife, I just can't control myself" which yeah bullshit but I know a lot about cheating okay? I've seen it close up for way too much of my life and I know there are people who genuinely feel like this. it's wild as someone who's asexual lol

It also is wild to me that Penelope would hear of her husband's sexual trauma and immediately think betrayal or that he doesn't love her. I've seen a couple people do that and I think it's wildly outta character for Penelope. I think she would have to be the one to constantly be like "Odysseus, you said you were scared... That's not being willing". I think there's a lot of shit going on that shows he has PTSD around sex in general (he was hella excited to be with her again after they reunite lol)

I could see this dialogue as him trying to possibly cover up trauma?? but I doubt that's what Hades 2 is going for. that would make Penelope look bad (that's a crime in and of itself)

Honestly this is just messy. idk I'm mad.

Here's some wips of mine with his trauma shit. It is in no way smut but there are a few innuendos before a fade to black as I plan for Odysseus to often try to cover "bad memories" with good ones. (aka: "Every time I start to panic or the PTSD hits me, I'll just replace all the bad sex memories with good ones." and just clinging to Penelope. This obviously scares her as "holy shit, you were just crying and now you're kissing me.") It's kind of Not Safe for Wormlings but not so much. (I've edited it quite a bit)

“Is that all?” He murmured into her neck. His hands traced across the scales of her collarbone. Gods, he missed this. 

“Only minor things…” She scratched her nails into his hair. She smiled as he hummed. He was still the man she adored despite it all. “You’ll have to ask Telemachus what he knows as I only got a brief summary of what he told me.”

A brief summary that included the nymph, he thought bitterly, thinking about how Penelope brought up Calypso to the beggar. Telling him what their son had told her to try and get him to reveal himself, he most likely would’ve if it weren’t for Athena taking pity on him. Helping him hold his tears and panic until he was outside. He should’ve known Penelope would’ve done this though; His wicked woman knew how to break a person. He kissed her throat and felt it buzz under his lips as she giggled as his beard tickled her.

She brushed her fingers against the course, gray auburn hair on his chin. “Who would’ve known that the beard you always wanted would only come to you after two decades away from me.” 

He groaned. “Pluck it.” 

She giggled again. Music. 

(they stayed in silence. Idk this is the roughest draft)

“I’m so happy they’re well…That there’s no resentment.”

Penelope couldn’t help but scoff, pulling her head back to place some kisses on his forehead. He smiled despite his burning throat. “Of course, there’s no resentment. Menelaus adores her as she does him. He knows she would never willfully stay with those men. The gods were involved in every bit of that wretched war.” 

She paused, stopping her hand movements. “Why? Are you surprised? Is there something I should know about?” 

“No, no, I-” He swallowed. Words escaped him. “I’m just…Happy. Like I said.”

She chuckled. “Odysseus, it’s not like he did anything too incredible for loving her. He did bare minimum, understanding when gods are involved, you have no choice.” 

Odysseus’ breath hitched. Penelope stilled, concerned. “Odysseus-”

I’ve ruined this nest we made. “Nothing.” He squeezed her tighter. 

She thought for a moment. “Odysseus, I know the gods and fate are the only reason you were away from me. That you tried to come home as fast as you could… I don’t blame you.” 

He nodded. He tried to steady his breathing. 

He pushed himself off her, kneeling with his legs in between her own and pulling her to him. He began kissing down the column of her neck. Nuzzling where a grouping of scales was before continuing his path, hands never leaving her body. 

“Odysseus, I-” She jumped as his teeth gently scraped at her rib. “You know it’s supposed to be your turn to tell your stories.”

HEre's one that's supposed to be a later date. Idk. unfinished but you know.wwwwwww...

Point is, I think it's extremely out of character for Penelope to think he didn't "try hard enough" or whatever. She loves him. She knows him. They share a mind for fuck's sake. In mine, she technically is less mortal than he is as she's 75% Naiad in my works.

[wintercloudburst]

well, it's been a week since i posted the final chapter so...

What I’ve Done chapter sixteen thoughts, for those interested (but mainly for myself)

*SPOILERS*

So we finally finish the story... I have been working on this fic since 2021 on and off and finally finishing it brought up so many feelings but overall im really happy with what i've done (accidental pun).

(Side note: the fic title is in fact just based on What I've Done by Linkin Park, because I felt like it perfectly encapsulated Catra's journey throughout the story).

We open up with adora's anxiety relating to a event that has passed, I had been wanting to explore Adora's own feelings of anxiety after writing Catra's feelings towards their newly developed relationship. I feel like Adora was a big anchor to Catra's own struggles but i felt it was important to also show the other side of the coin. Throughout the story we had seen bits and pieces of Adora's struggle with anxiety and her impulsivity when it came to decision making, so I thought it important to show "ok we are together but we are both still struggling to understand one another and struggling to find our footing in this relationship.

I also wanted Adora to find out about Catra's old phone in an organic way (my initial outline had the reveal after their first time having sex last chapter but that felt waay too loaded) and I wanted the knowledge of the phone to kinda hang over them.

ANother thing i wanted was for Adora to switch majors, in a few chapters we kinda get a glimpse of this terrible anxiety she gets from her major, and the way it seems like it doesn't really align with her. I thought finishing her character arc by allowing her to take agency of what she really feels passionate about was really necessary for her as a character. Also I kept picturing her in lil scrubs just exhausted but so happy.

Throughout all the outlines of this story i have written they were always going to throw the phone away together. However, initially i had planned for them to throw it out and THEN get together. which would have been interesting but definitely might have felt a little rushed in my opinion.

I cried lots of times writing this chapter and one of them was in fact, the scene where they are driving toward the camping site. I kept thinking about how Catra would feel, preparing herself to give up on something so monumental and i couldn't help tearing up shdkhfkghdf.

The camp scene: I wanted to illustrate the domisticity that they built and Adora just generally feeling a lot better about her life than the last time we had seen her pov.

As for Catra's letters: when i wrote the second chapter i had written about some letters Catra had written and never sent and i thought... what if the way she lets go isnt just by throwing an old phone out but also by letting go of all those feelings she had held onto for so long.

I couldn't stop crying while writing the letters, specifically the one that says she saw Scorpia's nine year old nephew playing and was filled with sadness.. Catra is finally old enough to view her abuse as senseless, as she watches a kid around the same age as when it had started playing in a party. realizing you weren't the one to blame, no matter how much of a troublemaker you might have been.

And yes... Idk how anybody felt about this chapter but i thought this scene was impactful to ME and that's probably all that matters shdfkhdglf.

The wedding: I wanted to show them being happy years in the future, even if they probably are both still dealing with their individual issues, they are a team. I also just wanted to showcase their friends and family being so accepting of them and celebrating their love

I genuinely had to rewrite the ending multiple times but i feel like it's a good note to end on and I'm happy i was able to work on this story for so long. It just means the world to me!

Anyways thanks if anybody actually reads this for taking the time to read and i hope you guys liked my silly little fanfic !!!

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“wait, what? WHAT IS GOING ON?! is-is that true chaeyoung? jeon jungkook, NO! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HANDLE A PREGNANT WOMAN! SHE’S HAVING YOUR BABY!!” yells ji-ae as she watches her son throw chaeyoung out of her home and that’s what makes your head perk up. you look up to see chaeyoung yelling “YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I HAD SEX WITH AND YOU KNOW IT!!! THIS IS YOUR BABY!!”

once chaeyoung is out of the house, jungkook shuts and locks the door while chaeyoung is on the other side banging and begging for ji-ae to let her back in. “pleaseeeee, jungkook. pleaseeeee” chaeyoung cries and ji-ae is still in disbelief with what happened just now.

her son just revealed that chaeyoung hurt you and your friends, called the cops, and now here she is pregnant with his baby. it’s all too much and ji-ae doesn’t know whether to curse her son out for yelling at her or cry because he really is turning out like his father in her eyes.

the manhandling he did to poor chaeyoung makes her worry for her health. sure chaeyoung isn’t the purest. she did say she seemed a little too nice and always preferred you with jungkook but that doesn’t mean roughening her up if what she says is true.

chaeyoung is outside walking back to her car in tears. screaming and crying at the altercation that just took place because there he goes again talking about you. it’s always you, you, you.

why you?

you’re just some plain girl who works as a veterinarian. even at the dinner there was nothing spontaneous about you yet his mind is solely focused on you. it’s like he has tunnel vision when it comes to you.

after 20 minutes, yes TWENTY MINUTES, chaeyoung finally drives off and once she’s out of sight, you get out your car and walk to ji-ae’s front door. you’re greeted with a freshened up jungkook and a visibly upset ji-ae whose mood gets worse once she sees the marks on your face.

“oh my God, y/n” she says with tears pricking her eyes. “i’m so sorry. look at what she did to you. she hurt you. did she cut you?”

“yeah but it’s not your fault. i’m a big girl, i can handle myself” you shrug and give ji-ae a tight hug. “you should get some rest” you tell ji-ae who nods and heads to her bedroom to take a small nap after the dramatic altercation that took place in her home.

“soo” you say “you’re a dad now, huh?”

“okay but for real, what if she’s actually pregnant? you didn’t…you know? in her, right?” you ask. you feel bitter even asking jungkook if he and chaeyoung fucked around, which, you’re sure they have but that’s not why you’re bitter.

this is your potential baby daddy right here and chaeyoung is crushing your dreams of being jungkook’s only baby mama.

He’s looking at you in horror, when you say that he’s a dad now, of course he’s not a dad and he’ll never be a daddy if it’s not with you.

“I-I don’t know yn… I think I did wear protection most of the time… I used to get pretty drunk before… you know and because… I couldn’t even fuck if I wasn’t thinking about you, so I don’t remember maybe she must’ve done something if that child is mine but I am sure it’s not.” He’s looking at you with desperation, and his eyes are a little red because of the fresh shower.

Please out of everyone you have to believe him. And you know everything just how scared he was to have a child and what happened between you two just because he wasn’t ready to have a child.

“I-I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s indeed pregnant with my child… she has to abort it.” he says in frustration, not realizing that it can trigger you, because you had done the same thing all because of him.

“I’ll make sure that she does.” He is gritting his teeth just thinking about it., and he’s also tense about the fact that he’s upset his mother a lot.

And he’s so tired. He just wants to have you in his arms and he just wants to sleep in your embrace. “Y-Yn she’s not leaving me. What should I do? SHE’S TRYING TO BABY TRAP ME!” he’s freaking out it’s so obvious.

Why is she here to ruin everything? He thought that she got her revenge but she still wants to ruin him. “I should’ve- SHE USED TO FORCE ME SHE USED TO COARSE ME INTO HAVING SEX WITH HER!”

“I swear to God I’m going to get a vasectomy. I HATE CHILDREN.” His fear is being triggered once again…. And you had tried so hard to get him over that but now she’s triggered it all over again.

“I HOPE THAT BITCH IS GONE.” He looks at you once again. “Yn… there’s something you should know.” He sighs, it’s now or never and he has to take this chance.

He is so close to you, his face merely, inches away from yours. He’s looking into your eyes and you can tell them you are his whole world.

You are.

“I-I love you so much and have always loved you and only you.. I tried to find you in her, but I couldn’t— truth is that no one can ever be you yn… I love you so much.” He pulls you close to his chest and kisses you like his life depends on it.



[honeymouthedtales]

definitely season 2 is game of thrones level intense. all the sex and heart seizing action? *sobs and screams into the void* yeah. season 2 is what the draws in new viewers. they haven't read the books but the tiktoks are crazy and that's enough for them to start a "omg should I have read the books first?" debate because of course the production of the show is gonna fuck up a little (I'm sorry, it's true).

maybe they change an important character to another actor (not markhyuck tho, but maybe mks father - wait but I think they make him hot/ter and now people are being questionable when it comes to him. "mark's gotta relax, his dad's not that bad" because he's a fucking charismatic dilf now and they make a fanbase for him🙄. but the ones who read the books will never turn soft or putty for that man😒 we had to shove food down our throats to keep from crying at the university dining hall when mark confronted his dad about never caring about him, we will never recover!

or they omit or add something that feels kinda off (I'M SORRY!😭) like too much sex. they actually have sex in Johnny's love nest! can you believe it?! like THAT NEVER HAPPENED, is what people are enraged about on twitter. and everyone's mad at the network for making mark disrespect johnny that much further but surprisingly it Segways into a johnmark duel-turned-brotherly-makeup episode. and maybe you consented. Against your will it becomes one of the highlights of the season. you might reveal you regretted it immediately and it's one of the reasons you didn't want to adapt it, because they would try to add or take away stuff, even though you were glad the resolution was done well and you're in a love-hate situation with the outcome because THAT STILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.

it's like the best fucking season yet. it's what people remember and compare to the next coming seasons. it was just that legendary

I think Donghyuck's first heat interlude definitely starts out the third season. It happened in the islands and the third season is in the islands anyway

the third season doesn't have a full picture yet, so of course the daydream ends with episode 2 season 3, with dongsook rescuing mark from the water prison, only to end up having to unarm Yangyang with his hands and his sexiness. (I can't make myself daydream about the chapters after the water prison until ch58 unfortunately, they're still solidly 'on paper' for me). But maybe I'll do this again once the full tone of the arc is done playing out. this has been fun🤭

I'm going to sleep now

(I wrote this at 2am but didn't know if Tumblr would let me post the whole thing so I had to cut it in half lol)

how did you even manage to post all of this when another anon had to cut it in seven little asks fjehdsfjd

okay it’s very cute that you’re planning all of this, it makes me laugh so much

NOT THE SEX IN THE LOVE NEST OMG jhny would never forgive them ;; you’re so right about me i would be extremely bitter if a scene that i didn’t personally put there became the highlight, it feels like someone manipulating my son, is this what parents feel like when their son is dating the delinquent biker and doing stuff their parents never thought they could do? ;;;

also lol mk’s father was always hot i said it on ccs many times, it’s just, dh hates him so much, and mk is blind to anyone who isn’t dh, so there’s no one there to talk about how handsome he is lol we still hate him, he’s pretty garbage, toxic sparkly trash :)))

thank you for doing this, i’ll wait for part 3 after the arc ends <3<3<3

[myforrest2]

Circle: Amber & Necole

Circle Recommendation:

* • Any changes to the circle dynamics will be discussed and it must be approved by both parties. The nature of the relationship and how it will benefit the primary relationship will be a part of the discussion.

* • Condoms will be used at all times. If either party wants to engage in raw sex, it will be voted on. An STD test must be taken by the parties prior to engaging in sex without a condom.

* • If either party wants knowledge of the day-to-day activities of their partner’s relationship, they may ask for details. Consent must be obtained before volunteering information about the non-primary relationships.

* • The Primary relationship is the priority.

* • Non-Primary relationships are meant to enhance and strengthen the primary relationship.

Amber: For me, it is purely a friend with benefits situation. I enjoy her company, but the feelings I have for her don’t go past “like.” After I revealed to you that I wasn’t always protective myself during sex, I felt like shit. Seeing you cry really fucked me up. The next time we had sex, I made sure to put on a condom. She does want a relationship, but she knows she’s not going to get it from me. I make sure to express that and I encourage her to date other people. I’m aware when I’m spending a little to much time with her. That is a boundary that I put in place to ensure that she doesn’t think she can convince me to be with her.

We have pretty good conversations and she’s usually down to hang. It’s cool because I don’t know a lot of people here. I’d also like to explore BDSM with her. I could use a starter sub. It’s something that I’d like to do with you, but I don’t feel I’m ready to be your Dom. I value you.

What I don’t like about Amber, is that fact that she doesn’t allow herself to be vulnerable. Hopefully being around me will motivate her to go to therapy. I just want to see everybody evolve. I will drop her like a bad habit if we both feel that she’s not an asset to our partnership.

Necole: I still feeling like I’m learning about Necole. Like Amber, Necole and I have good conversations. Just like you’re in uncharted territories with non-monogamy, I’m in uncharted territory with being in an open relationship. I don’t want to call our relationship a polyamorous. one because I have no desire to call Necole or Amber my girlfriends. I feel like that title belongs to you and only you. Necole has more experience in open relationships and I feel I will learn a lot from her.

Enjoyment: I feel like this journey will bring us closer together emotionally and strengthen our relationship. I feel like I should be able to tell you and my therapist everything that’s going on with me. I’m giving myself to you. I want to keep wanting you. There will be times when you anger me or cause me a headache, but I rather it be from you. We have to stop doing things out of fear or anger. We will no longer intentionally hurt each other.

Personal Development:

* • We will provided each other with a list of personal and professional development tasks that they would like to complete. One task a month will be picked. If the person finishes their task for the month, they will be rewarded.

* • We will read and discuss the book Designer Relationships.

* • Weekly check-ins to discuss personal issues, financial status, and the status of the relationship

Contract will be revisted every 90 days.

[chrysanthemumpink]

You don't deserve this tag. But I found someone else & for some reason that makes me think of you. And all of the things that you represent. Things you don't deserve to represent.

We'll probably be intimate soon. And for some reason, that feels official. It feels like more than my body, if that makes sense?

I didn't love you. I loved the life I saw with you. I wanted to be an artist & a critic & an academic & so many things that seem so childish in retrospect. I thought we could be quirky professors and writers living off the produce of a quirky cottage. Before I met you, a life like that seemed so real.

Now it feels like the fantasy it always was. He's a financial advisor, he wants to be VP of something, doesn't matter what. He's counter culture in the way that dating a black person turns him on. Like you were. But not enough to do anything about it. Unlike you. That's all he'll ever do to counter any culture.

But, like you, he represents so much more. He's not special. But my choices around him reveal so much about me. Being with him means I've officially given up on my dreams. Yea, the pay is nice. Paying bills and having more than enough for any service I want is also very nice.

I give men foo much credit when really it's about me. My first job in tech & finance offered 102k. I choose that over grad school. And the kind of people I meet here?

I met him here. He's the brother of one of my coworkers. They're both directors whose fathers & uncles were presidents, VPs, etc of other financial firms. They both want to be VPs but not in the way that you & I used to study to be professors. They want it in the way that they do stupid things like shell for dinners & cruises with the right people

In a way that makes him special. If he wanted a 6 figure salary, he would just be given one. But if he wants 6 figures and have the power of a corporate ladder behind him, he has to put in effort. And he does. Effort is something you never put in anything.

Men like him, surprisingly, aren't that hard to find if you aren't picky. He's 40. And like? What am I doing with my life?

Having sex with a 40 year old seems so adult. Is that what I'll be doing? Trading my life as an advocate and academic for a capitalistic one. Either way, it's still a straight white man, isn't it.

Sorry. The truth is that I have to get it out while I can. If I'm gonna stay corporate, then opportunities to talk like that won't come as often. Do you see how much I've been forced to move on?

I've met his family. As you know, I can sense things about people. Or at the very least, make wild fantasies that turn out to be uncomfortably close to the truth. His parents are desperate for him to find anyone. He's 40 for crying aloud. But this is where growing up Pentecostal comes in handy. This happens with a lot of white people. It happened with your family too. If it's going to be someone black, might as well be one whose knows enough about the bible to not cause too much trouble

What am I talking about? I'm going to fuck him. And yea, I have a lot of feelings about doing that. I honestly wish I'd done it sooner. Doing after meeting the family makes it seem like it's getting serious. I can't afford to let myself believe that

But back to me...I hate how much I tie men to life stages. This new relationship feels like a lot. It will mean I've accepted the world I've always considered an antagonist to mind. It means I work in tech and finance. It'll mean I'm a business woman who goes on business trips.

But...is it all bad? I mean? It is a lot of money. I went from an 18k grad stipend to 102k. Between you & me? I still have to whisper it. Like I've committed a sin. And I hear stories from other women. Women in tech are very friendly. My MANAGER of all people confided in me. She said that she regularly cries from the way that SAHM treat her.

That 90% of mothers groups are SAHMs who make her feel inferior because of her choices. They suggest that her career means she doesn't lover her child. Her son means the world to her.

And yet, my manager spent the morning of her son's birthday talking about training initiatives 300 miles away on a business trip. I know because I was with her.

She says, all the women say, that women like us make hard decisions. We do what we have to do. When they say "we," it makes me feel like I belong. And the scary part is, I do belong

I am a girl boss, girl bossing, who has the potential to be the ultimate girl boss. Lol, not really. But I'm smart, 28, and have found myself with no husband or children. I think they're protective of me. Like they know I'm in an unfamiliar world.

Now that I'm with him, it's permanent. Or will be. I'll be taking my securities exam soon. I want to be central to this district learning technologies. That's the life I'll have once I've officially left this one behind. I've already left it behind

Grad school broke my heart. You broke my heart. Now I don't even recognize myself. And I actually like it

[searchupthisblog]

Will there be a day where I look like myself? Does that person exist in the grand scheme? Or am I bound to be unrecognizable to myself until I am earth and air and sediment on the sea floor.

If I were born a boy would it be different? Was I born to be contrarian no matter my sex?

My Mother said she knew I was a boy at 6 months. When the ultrasound revealed me she was surprised.

When I came out to her she told me she always knew she was having a boy.

I remember being 12 and reading yaoi manga for the first time, truly the worst way to become educated about gayness. But despite it's toxicity, I found something there. I felt known. I felt a deep pull from so deep inside I could cry. Back then I had no idea what that was. I think I just excused it as hormones, nothing deeper. Nothing more.

For years before that and after I would develop crushes on gay boys. I would be told things along the lines of "You like them too pretty" and "You know they're gay right" I would say they weren't gay (none of these people were out yet) because I didn't know how to deal with the fact I only seemed to be attracted to gay men. I felt like some villain, I knew they wouldn't like me back, how disrespectful of me to gain feelings I knew these people could not reciprocate full stop. But I liked gay men for a long time.

In retrospect, this makes a lot of sense. Of course I was attracted to gay men, I was a gay boy the entire time. Or something akin. People would make fun of me, but I was simply attracted to the familiarity. I was gay, queer, what have you. Gay men were the only ones who reflected something similar to myself back to me.

Things became more complex when I realized I was attracted to women. I blamed all my repressed trans feelings on the fact I liked women, and maybe I was a lesbian actually and maybe I was just butch actually.

Something about being someone's girlfriend has always felt a little like a prison though. And that dread of being someone's girlfriend, never really went away.

I simmered for so long.

I had name dysphoria for so long, and no new name felt right. Not Alice or Sarah, Sonny or Amy or Casey. The first name I jokingly said I'd change my name to was Tree. Because I knew a boy named Forest. My mother was amused, I was 6.

I didn't realize until I was 17 that the issue was that I kept choosing girls names. When I started experimenting with neutral or boys names things began to change.

I remember cosplaying a male character for the first time when I was 15. I had wanted to cosplay a boy character for so many years and I had finally done it. I took some pictures, and I felt something click inside me as I stared at them. A dial shifting. Something had changed, and it would never go back. I begged my Mom to cut my hair, she said I'd regret it. My resolve wasn't strong yet, so I relented. And relented, and relented.

A year later I cut my hip length hair to my shoulders, than soon after to my chin. It was the first time it had ever been that short. I felt it was the best decision I had ever made. I still think it's one of my best.

[catnherthoughts]

valentines day 2/14/2023

we finally have an end to the story of the man from the party. I think I knew this was coming all along. through the entire 3 month duration of us. I had os much hope. i thought he would finally be the one that would break the cycle. that he cared and loved me. part of me wants to believe that he does still care. it doesn't really matter anyways. the cycle took its toll on me once again. after being used as the object i so apparently am, I was seen as crazy and I am to be never contacted again. I stayed in this dreaded town for the weekend in order to see him, spend at least 24 hours with him.watch a few movies maybe, kiss, enjoy being in each other's company. i'm not dumb, i knew we would have sex. after waiting and waiting i saw he was at a party and flipped out because i had been waiting for him all day. the resentment in his demeanor is something you can only realize once you look back. the way he could barely look me in the eye. the way he criticized me. the coldness towards me. It hurts a bit to think back on so I won't. Of course i let him do what he wanted to. even if he disrespected me. did i expect a man to come over to apologize and simply appreciated being in my presence? ha. i cant say that i didn't want to as well but there was just this feeling of emptiness that followed. afterwards when we were laying down. i could tell he didn't really feel anything towards me. there were some moments during that just made me inner child break. There were things i did not feel like doing, some parts that made me feel uncomfortable, whatever. but i thought if i fucked him in the way that he wanted he would care about me enough to be the man I wanted him to be. never. he couldn't even give me the courtesy of responding to my text asking him if he got back to his dorm safely?? what did he see in me? was i too crazy again. did i express too many emotions. I was drunk im sorry i revealed too much of myself. just come back, hold my hand. It justs makes me feel as if no matter what i do i will never be seen as someone that can be loved. always the girl you can fuck but never the one who you can hold tenderly. i dont think i deserve that. I want to feel like I matter. it feels as if ill never be loved in the way i need. why survive then? why keep putting the effort in to try and be happy and live life if i can never achieve my main goal. the thing is he was so good at making it seem like he actually liked me. he would text me all night, he would tell me how pretty i am, etc. now after looking back i am realizing that for the most part the only time love was mentioned was when he was describing how much he loved fucking me. But if i cut myself over this im the one in the wrong. im so sick of having to take it. having to deal with it and pretend like it doesn't affect me like some sort of person made of steel. it hurts and i can't pretend like it doesn't anymore. the fourth man to use me for my body. at this point its not even mine anymore, tis their's. I won't let the thing they took from me live on anymore. I won't allow it to be pretty so they can look me up and down like some trophy they earned for manipulating me in just the right way where i thought that if i gave them it, they'd finally love me. the sickest thing is, part of me wants him to come back so bad. maybe if i fuck him in just the right way one more time he'll see me as someone who he could love. my friend's tell me that I'm out of his league and that he is ugly whatever. I think thats worse. someone that vile still had the power over me to get what they wanted. i just want to be loved and I don't that is too much to ask for. Today maybe i will do it. or maybe ill cry. maybe ill show up to his place of residence screaming. nothing will really solve this issue. he doesn't love me. i dont think anyone will. now i just have to live with the fact that i was in fact used once again. another body with nothing to show for it as a wise man once said. my lack of self worth is really showing, coming from another woman. I need to kill myself, this sort of world is not for me.

[unblinkingvoid]

k here it is:

"Sorry in advance.

****,

Let me preface this clearly by stating this: I love you. I love you dearly, in fact. I don't know how it started, what triggered it (something must have), or why. I just know that i do. And this isn't a swan song, but it is a sort of desperate cry for attention. Sometimes when I'm near you i feel like that man from that poem who wasn't waving, but drowning.

Actually, i know what the snowball that started the avalanche was. It was you. Your jokes, joviality, forced proximity. You came up with the title and now i'm writing the rest of the book. And to be frank, in spite of the few slivers of resentment i have towards you, it truly is a joy to be someone dear to you. I can understand why so many people want to be treasured by you. You've been saying it yourself, you're too empathetic. You hold people in the apex of the sky and no matter how much or how little they reveal themselves, peel off layers on layers of skin, as long as you love them, your grip on them is firm. This is all i ask of you to continue doing. No matter how distorted your image of me might get that you'd still be willing to have me by your side. And i live in continuous fear that you're going to run for the hills as i'm leaning on your shoulder.

The truth is, you're simply easy to digest and uncomplicated. You're like a warm spring breeze in the middle of January. That's what i think of when i think about you. Don't misunderstand me, you are complex, you contain multitudes, as the saying goes, but every facet i've ever seen of you has only ever endeared me more.

A theory that both comforts and perturbs me is the possibility of other lives and parallels universes. Maybe this is the bad universe, in which i take the entire arm of the helping hand for no good reason and you live in blissful ignorance. Or the neutral one, as there certainly are worlds in which you hate my guts and i hate yours, but those are indifferent to me. The thought of other versions of us, me happier and you just as happy, lives in the fog of my mind just to spite me, remind me of what i could have if only. If only life had led me differently. If only I had chosen right instead of left. If only I had run faster. This is what keeps me up at night before my body shuts down, but in the morning I still tell myself "With or without him, I wouldn't be better off anyway, so why bother?" You are not indebted to me, and i'm simply being selfish.

As you might have guessed, this isn't a sex invitation (or an invitation to anything, really). I don't want sex from you, i wouldn't mind it, but that's kind of at the bottom of my list (ha). Physical affection has ruined many things for me. If you were asexual, i'd be absolutely content to just be celibate with you, as long as i have the reassurance that you wouldn't rebuke me no matter how close i try to get. I am terrified of touching you. I really want to sometimes, but whenever i do even in the slightest, it feels like a crater widening between us, like i'm doing something canonically wrong. I wonder if this is how you feel too. Like i'm insidious, invasive, protruding and unwilling to let you have your space. "Possessive" is the word i see written on my forehead when i look in the mirror, and the one characteristic i'm trying my hardest not to show you.

Deep down, if you dig enough through the selfishness and mild obsession, I only want you to be happy. I wish i could regift you A Little Life over and over just to see your eyes and hear your tone of voice in that light again. I wish i had hugged you more tightly that day. I want you to be that content and gleeful all the time, like the world is your gift to unwrap. This is what you deserve. You deserve your girlfriend and your friends who love you and all the good things that will ever come your way. I don't know to what extent i deserve you, though.

In the end, whatever happens after you read this, it's probably for the better.

Victor

PS: If none of this aligns with your vision of me, then i'm sorry for deceiving you"

one day i'm going to post the 800 word love letter i wrote for and showed to this boy i was enamored with. not today tho

[usedtobecooler]

Pairing | Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Warnings | sexual content (18+ minors dni), DUBCON, dark themes, monster fucking, cunnilingus, fingering f receiving, piv sex, unprotected sex, mild anal play f receiving, dirty talking, degradation, squirting, crying, pussy slapping, spanking, face slapping, creampie, praise kink, biting, blood play, blood kink, no aftercare.

Word Count | 3.7k

A/N | just a lil something since it's halloween, it's only fair we delve into something a bit spooky and out of the ordinary. can't lie i've mortified myself this time but i'm so into it.

"Where have you been all my life?" A figure slides up beside you where you stand at the drinks table, cup in hand filled with some gross 'Halloween Punch' that Harrington had promised tasted good (it didn't), some shitty Blondie tune playing loud in the background, mostly drowned out by the rowdy noise of the party.

You turn your head to glance at said figure, to find Eddie Munson standing there with a smirk on his red stained lips. He's a vampire (you think?), albeit a fantastic one. You had to admit his costume was great as you drank in his appearance. He really had gone all out, red horns poking out from beneath his bangs, large black bat wings fanned out across his back, fingers dusted charcoal and he'd even gone to the trouble of sticking on impossibly long talon-like nails.

His actual outfit could be considered normal, a black button down silk shirt on his torso, two buttons open to reveal a chain dangling from his neck, what looked to be fake bite marks chomped into the surrounding skin. A simple pair of ripped jeans and white trainers to finish the look off, but you could forgive him for the lack of detail in the actual clothes with how good his prosthetics were.

"What are you supposed to be?" You ask, furrowed brows as you brush your hand out to touch his wings, feeling the soft, leathery texture under your fingertips. It feels expensive, which was weird because you were so sure Eddie was dirt poor. Maybe you were wrong.

"I suppose you could call me a vampire-bat hybrid?" Eddie smirks, and you bite your glossy red lip when you see the two crystal white fangs sparkle in the light. Fangs had always done it for you, really, there was something about vampires that got you all hot and bothered.

"Looks good," You say eventually, voice strained as you bring your cup up to your mouth and swig a little of the absolutely vile concoction. You screw your face up in disgust as you swallow, trying to ignore the way the liquid almost comes back up as fast as it goes down.

Eddie crowds into your space, leaning over you to grab a bottle of Bud sat just inches from where you were. Your breath hitches at the feeling of him so close to you, his scent and the cold coming from his body enough to make you feel dizzy.

There was something off about him that you couldn't quite pinpoint. You admittedly hadn't seen Eddie Munson since you graduated in '84 and left Hawkins rather abruptly to study across the country. But you remembered him being a little warmer than this, a little shyer, a little more human.

You stand there awkwardly for a moment longer before excusing yourself to the bathroom, feigning that you needed to rearrange your costume - a party city zombie cheerleader outfit, not exactly enough to leave much to the imagination, and not really an outfit that needed fixing, but Eddie takes your word for it, and you bounce off without another word.

Knowing Steve well enough, you sneak into his room to use his own private bathroom, any party goers being schmucks and using the main bathroom that had a queue the size of Hawkins outside of it. You were surprised he wasn't in there himself with some girl, the room completely void of human life.

You give yourself a second, brushing out your skirt and pulling your ponytail tight. The costume wasn't a far cry from your days at Hawkins High, you were an it girl in those days after all. Not head cheerleader, but on the team - people had liked you more for other reasons.

You unclick the lock on the bathroom door, pulling it open to come face to face with the person you'd ran away from. You jump out of your skin a little, Eddie's face lit up with a little smirk at the reaction he elicits from you. You furrow your brows and shut the door behind you, making to leave without a word, but he won't let you.

It truly was dizzying being up this close to Eddie, his body crowding in on yours and backing you up against Steve's door, and you swear you see his wings curl in too but that could be from the one too many drinks you'd plied yourself with.

"Are you scared of me?" Eddie asks, picking up on the way your heart races and thuds loudly beneath your ribcage, making his fangs ache and his head cloudy with need to sink in and taste the wet, metallic gush of your blood.

"N-no," You stutter, head lulling to the side a little to invite him in, to let him nuzzle his nose in and smell you properly, which he does so gratefully, the pointed edges of his fangs sliding out to graze at your goosebump riddled skin, making you shiver, "does... does anybody know?"

Eddie huffs out a little laugh against your skin, fangs disappearing so he can press a sweet kiss to your neck, "Know what? Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

You gasp out loud at the feeling of Eddie's lips on you, the way his big hands come out to grasp at your hips and hold you in place, "I don't - I don't know, Eddie. You don't seem like yourself. You're not the guy I remember."

Your head is hazy, a mixture of alcohol and whatever weird spell Eddie was putting on you enough to have you confused and doubting yourself. Maybe you truly were just crazy and making this up in your drunk brain, but you were almost positive you knew what was going on here. It terrified you, and you wanted to back away, but it was like your feet were planted firmly in their place, glued down and rendering you unable to run.

Eddie smirks against your neck, hand running from your hip to brazenly slide under your skirt, and you can't help but notice his nails have somehow disappeared, soft pads of his fingers running along your clothed folds, "Your soaking wet pussy tells me you like this though, sweetheart. So wet you're drenching your panties for me."

You shiver, a moan escaping your lips as he moves your panties to the side, exposing your cunt to the cool air. His cold fingers expertly find your clit right away, rubbing it in slow, hard circles that have you mewling.

Your whole body feels like it's on fire, a sensation you've never felt as Eddie assaults your cunt with his fingertips, you're trapped in a trance that you can't pull yourself out of, all of your senses rushing with Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Your hands come out to grip at his hair, fingertips accidentally knocking one of his horns and he growls, snapping back from his place in your neck to stare you down with hard eyes, fingertips stuttering on your clit and suddenly he's slapping your cunt hard. You let out a shocked, high-pitched moan at the harsh sting vibrating through your folds and your bundle of nerves, leaving you in a cold sweat and your legs almost buckling.

"Hands to your fucking self, I'm in charge here." Eddie's voice is quiet, but his words come out so harsh and venomous that it frightens you, though your cunt clenches uncontrollably, like it has a mind of its own, "Go lie on the fucking bed and spread your legs like the whore you are."

You do it wordlessly and without question, your legs moving before your brain can comprehend it, like you're under a spell. At this point, you're wondering if you are, because the real you wasn't like this - she doesn't let herself be bossed around, she doesn't allow men to touch her without her say so. You know it's bad, yet you can't stop it, because it doesn't feel wrong in the way it should.

Steve's bed is big and plush, nothing less could be expected of him really, and you sink into it, propping yourself up on your elbows so you didn't feel so vulnerable, spreading your legs wide like Eddie commanded of you. He creeps towards you like a predator stalking his prey, his dark eyes almost black now and something behind them that you can't quite pinpoint.

In the dim light Eddie's skin appears to be flushed a deep red that almost looks supernatural, like he'd covered himself in oil paints. He grabs a tight hold of your ankles and pulls them, yanking you down the bed until your ass is almost over the edge. You watch him in awe as he kneels on the floor in front of you, head going under your short skirt.

"You won't be needing these." He mutters against the insides of your thighs, then you feel and hear him ripping at the lacey material of your panties. They fall in tatters to the floor, discarded to be long forgotten about.

You gasp as he plants wet, sloppy kisses to the insides of your thighs, and you feel the points of his fangs brush the skin just hard enough to feel like a papercut. Your fingers clench into the sheets, blown away by how even the slightest touch has you a wet, whimpering mess for him.

"Your cunt smells so fuckin' good," Eddie groans, nestling his nose in between your folds and inhaling deep, "so sweet, just like the rest of you. Good enough to eat."

"Wha-" Your voice dies in your throat as Eddie's long pointed tongue comes out to lick a stripe up the seam of your pussy. He finds your clit as fast with his tongue as he did with his fingers, latching on and suckling at it hard.

The noises escaping you are sad and pathetic, truly, for all it is he's actually doing. You're moaning like you'd never been touched in your life, begging and pleading, "Eddie, please, fuck."

Your hips buck into his face of their own accord and Eddie growls against your cunt, his big hand coming up to shove your hips back down, forearm laying across the width of your pelvis to hold them down so you couldn't move. You can't even focus enough to brace yourself for two of his fingers from the opposite hand circling your entrance and sliding in to the hilt until it's too late.

The slick sounds of your wet cunt being assaulted by Eddie's mouth and fingers fill your senses, making you gush even wetter and clench around his thick fingers. They're so deep you can feel his rings catching on your hole and breaching slightly, it's enough to have you feeling dizzy with want and need.

Your arms finally give out and you fall flat against the bed, mewling and eyes pricking wet with tears as the pads of Eddie's fingers run along your spongey spot and don't let up. You can feel your orgasm building quickly, tummy winding tight and the hot heat spreading through your whole body.

Eddie's mouth is utterly sinful, his tongue working your clit expertly like he'd done this a thousand times before, like something straight out of a porn flick. Your body succumbs to him like you're his for the taking, like his fingers were meant to be buried deep in your cunt forever and his mouth was made specifically for you.

You come so hot and fast you're crying, sobbing wetly, moaning and thrashing uselessly as Eddie's fingers are forced out of you from the sheer power of it - all he does is bury his face harder in your cunt in retaliation. You gush wet and hard enough that you hear it trickling onto the hardwood floor in front of Eddie's knees, feel it run down your ass.

Eddie licks you clean, sharp tongue running all the way down to your asshole and even sucking you dry there, big hands moving to spread your cheeks and shove his face in. In your state you can't find it in you to be embarrassed or feel disgusted, your body feeling like jelly and placid enough that Eddie could do whatever he wanted and get away with it.

You're so out of it that you don't realise Eddie moving you up the bed and tearing your shirt off until he's hovering between your legs and your tits are on full display. He leans down to lick and bite at the round of your left breast, his large hand grabbing the other and kneading it. His wings are encasing you both now, enough to shield you from view if anyone were to walk in.

The wetness of your tears roll down the sides of your face and pool in your ears and hair. Somewhere in your subconscious you're begging him to stop, but your body is keening into him, and your lips betray you with the noises of content that fall from them.

You make to lift your hands up to shove him away, but Eddie's reflexes are incredible and his own hands come out to grasp at your wrists and force them down onto the bed, holding you down tightly. You try to thrash around but it dies when Eddie bares his fangs and sinks them into the flesh of your tit.

The feeling that overcomes you is something you'd never felt before, your body flushes hot like you have a high fever, your skin prickling with want as your tummy coiled up in knots. Eddie drinks from you in silence, the only noises to be heard are the slight slurp of wetness from your dripping blood and the moans escaping your lips.

You come again. Hard, hot and fast. Not a single part of Eddie's body near your cunt, yet you're shuddering and gushing wet on the bed, enough to soak the comforter beneath your legs and ass.

It feels wrong, your pussy clenching around nothing and your body wracking with aftershocks. Eddie's fangs retract and he's smirking against your skin, tongue lapping up the blood still trickling from the wounds on your breast.

"Dirty fuckin' slut, coming just from my fangs in you. You're so fucking easy for it, what a silly little girl." Eddie laughs at you and you're crying again, squeezing your eyes shut as he mocks you, but you like it, you're so ashamed you can't stop the tears from falling.

Eddie roughly grips your chin, shaking you a little until you open your eyes. You're mortified by the sight in front of you, your blood dripping down Eddie's chin and neck, spreading down the open neck of his shirt.

He looks like a monster, the facade gone and his true form on display in all of its glory. He looks deranged, eyes as black as the Devil's, skin flushed crimson and his fangs on full display. The only thing reminding you that it's Eddie perched in front of you is his curly hair, looking out of place on his body. You should be scared, turned off, trying to back out of the door and run for your life.

Yet, you still lie there, with your legs spread for him and refusing to budge. You hazard letting your hands come out to grasp at his silk shirt and he surprisingly lets you, lets you unbutton it with nimble fingers until the front is open and exposing the bites in his toned chest and stomach.

Something had done a number on him; you know that much. Chunks of flesh are missing, deep enough that he should be dead. Through the fog of your brain, you're aware now more than ever that he probably is in fact dead - the undead.

Time was a mere concept to you in your hazy state, as you watch Eddie unbuckle the belt on his jeans, sliding them down his thighs with his underwear to expose himself, hard cock springing out into the cool air, making him hiss.

You shoot up from your place on the bed, sitting up properly to get a good look at what was in front of you.

It was like nothing you'd ever seen in your life.

It was a dick, that much was obvious, clearly. But it matched the rest of his undead body, flushed deep red from base to tip. Where there should've been veins, there were now symmetrical ridges, all the way down to the fat head. The head itself was curved upwards, almost like it was made for stroking a gspot.

And, to put it bluntly, it was fucking huge. Your mouth watered uncontrollably, the urge to reach out and touch it tugging at your gut.

Eddie reaches out and slaps you with a flat palm against your cheek, the connection loud enough to snap you out of your trance, "I said, get up on your knees. Be a good girl and ride me."

Your body moves subconsciously, trading places with Eddie and swinging your leg over so you were hovering just above his hard cock. You couldn't stop yourself even if you wanted to. At this point, you're so far gone that even the voice niggling at the back of your head had died down, leaving you a wanton, submissive mess.

He makes the first move, grabbing his cock by the base and running the head between your folds, getting himself nice and wet. Eddie makes no noise as an indicator as to whether he's genuinely enjoying this or not, just breaches your cunt with the tip until you're gasping and rocking your hips a little.

It's wide, a ridiculous stretch that you're not used to and probably could never get used to. Eddie grips onto your ass with his free hand, slapping it hard enough that you slide down another inch, your back arching a little and tears forming in your eyes.

"Little baby can't take my cock, how cute," Eddie's voice is condescending, mocking you enough to have your cunt clench around him, eliciting a hiss from his lips, "you're gonna take it all like a good fuckin' girl, aren't you?"

Another slap to your ass has you sliding down again, taking in another inch. You can feel every ridge of his cock, every weird texture, the fat bulb of the head already abusing your soft spot. It hurt, but it hurt so good, like you were being stretched apart from the inside.

Eddie grows impatient at how slow you're going, grabbing a tight hold of your hips and impaling you on the last of his cock until you're screaming, fingertips gripping at his mauled shoulders as you cry, cunt gripping sporadically around the length of him.

You feel so full it's pathetic, if you poked your tummy you'd be able to feel him nestled in your stomach. Could probably see it if you wanted to hazard a glance down.

"You're such a whiny little thing, aren't you? Crying for me," Eddie coos, bucking his hips up a little for emphasis until you're biting out a wet sob, "your little sobs sound like music in my ears, sweetheart."

He doesn't let you become accustomed to the size of his cock in you, lifting your hips up as if you're weightless and shoving you back down to the hilt. You moan in between your cries, body going lax in his hands as you let him do what he wants with you.

Eddie's demeanor breaks eventually and he moans into the expanse of your throat, massive cock fucking into you relentlessly from below and there's nothing you can do but take it, feeling every bit of him consuming your body, "Such a good little slut for me, taking my monster cock so well. You love it, huh? Love being treated like a little fuck toy."

You nod, tears streaming consistently, "Y-yes, Eddie. F-fuck, m'so full." You cry out, the sounds of your soaking wet cunt sucking his cock in making you clench impossibly tighter around him, "Bite me again, aah, wanna come again, please."

Your wet sobs are almost enough to have Eddie folding, sinking his teeth into you without a second thought, but instead his large hand comes up to grab your ponytail, pulling your head back until you're looking at the ceiling as his hips snap up into your own, "Scream a bit louder. Want everyone at this party to hear you cry and beg for me."

The head of Eddie's cock is relentless on your spongey spot, his hips snapping into yours hard enough you're going to be left with so many bruises, "Eddie!" Your voice is primal, you'd never heard yourself sound like this before, "Pleasepleaseplease, m'begging, let me come."

"Atta girl, begging for me all sweet." Eddie smirks, pulling your ponytail impossibly tighter until your back is arched, he leans over and bites into your neck, sinking his fangs in to the hilt as his hips continue to fuck up into you, the brutal assault feeling like it's never ending.

The hot waves of pleasure wash over you so quick you barely comprehend it, the feeling of Eddie feeding from your veins making your cunt clench around his cock as you come again, squirting wet and hot all over him, drenching his balls and his thighs.

Eddie shoves you onto your back without pulling out, driving into you deep and impossibly fast with his fangs still in your throat. He comes not long after, succumbing to the feeling of your tight pussy and your hot blood dripping down his throat, a deep groan escaping him as he buried himself in to the hilt as your clenching cunt helped work him through, "You're mine now, sweetheart. Don't think I'm done with you, I'll be back."

You pass out with his words swimming in your head, for how long you're unsure, but when you wake up Eddie is gone, the fog that clouded your brain leaving with him.

Your aching neck, leaking cunt and bruised body the only reminder he was ever there.

You wonder if he meant it, if you truly would ever see him again.