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heliads · 3 years ago

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Lieutenant Lovesick

Y/N L/N is an officer of the datatech division at the Resistance Base, someone who has an unfortunate tendency to crush on the rebels’ favorite flyboy. Poe Dameron needs someone to help him decode new intel, so of course he looks to her.

masterlist

The ship is starting to touch down now. If you look closely, you can just see the dark crop of hair on the pilot, catch a glimpse of a fierce grin through the windscreen. Already, mechanics and nav crew members are rushing towards the X-Wing, trying to see if Poe Dameron has managed to finally screw up one space mission and give them something to fix on his ship. You doubt they’ll be that fortunate- Poe’s one of the best pilots. That’s just how it works, even if it means the mechanics have a lot less to do.

Poe stands up, climbing down the side of his X-Wing and checking to make sure his BB unit is being pulled out as well. He exchanges a few words with an overeager intel agent already pressing him for news on the latest mission, then starts heading through the crowd in the hangar bay. You hesitate for one second more, two, then turn away and start heading down the corridors of the Resistance base.

If you’re lucky, you have just left yourself enough time to get back to your station before anyone notices that you've stepped away. However, it does not appear that the galaxy is on your side today. Tela, your best friend, reaches out an arm in front of the door just as you attempt to head back into the room with your fellow officers. She raises an eyebrow at you. “Gawking at Dameron again?”

Your cheeks flame as you hurriedly glance around the corridor, making sure no one can hear you. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Tela flashes you a victorious grin. “No? You weren’t in the hangar, trying to catch a glimpse of Poe Dameron as he returns from his latest space cruise for General Organa? What else were you doing?” You smile feebly. “I was, uh, patrolling the area?”

Tela laughs. “You’re ridiculous.” You grin broadly at that. “Maybe. But weren’t you the one who just happened to keep stopping by the med bay to check on Finn?” Tela’s jaw drops. “I know you’re not bringing that up right now. We’re bullying you, not me.” A voice from behind you makes you straighten up in panic. “I thought bullying was against Resistance policy.”

When you turn around, Poe is standing behind you. Of course it’s Poe. Of course. You wonder how much of the conversation he heard, and you can only hope that he conveniently missed the part where Tela was making fun of you for crushing on him. You realize Poe’s looking at you like he’s expecting an answer. “It’s less bullying and more mild teasing. I’m just noticing how often Tela visits the med bay, even when she’s not injured.”

Tela stares at you with unabashed outrage, but a grin slides its way across Poe’s face. “Actually, I think I know what you mean. Didn’t I see you in there a couple standard hours ago?” You turn to face Tela with new interest. “Wait, I didn’t know about this. You didn’t tell me you left.” Poe nods with mock concern. “It was right when Finn was there for a checkup, too.”

You look back at him. “Did they speak?” Poe returns your conspiratorial gaze. “I don’t think so. A few waves were exchanged.” You incline your head in acceptance. “I think that’s the best we can get.” Poe mirrors your serious expression. “I think so too, officer. See you around.” With that, he issues a wave of his own before heading off down the corridor once more, presumably to go report back to General Organa.

Tela hardly waits for him to disappear around the corner before she turns to you, eyes wide. “Look at you go! I think that was the first interaction you’ve had in weeks. I almost believed you weren’t staring at him mournfully a few minutes ago.” You swat her shoulder. “It wasn’t like that. He approached me.” Tela jumps back from your blow, pretending to rub her arm in pain. “Hey, you can’t hit me. I just sacrificed my humiliation over the med bay so you two could smirk together like you were best friends.”

You smile at her, clasping your hands together over your heart and eliciting a laugh. “And what a sacrifice it was. Your name will go down among the Resistance heroes for all eternity.” Tela chuckles. “So will yours. Y/N L/N, spoke with Poe Dameron once and will never forget it for the rest of her life.” When you move to swat her again, Tela is ready and dodges out of the way.

You’ve almost made it down the corridor when you hear someone calling your name. You look around, slightly annoyed at this interruption, but any trace of irritation vanishes instantly from your face when you realize who’s jogging down the hallway towards you. Poe Dameron, back at it again. You haven’t talked to him in a couple of days, ever since that incident with Tela. You’re not sure that incident is exactly the right word, but it’s close enough. It felt incidental to you.

Poe comes to a stop beside you, breathing erratic from running across the Resistance base. A casual grin spreads across his face, as easy as starting a program on your navicomputer. “So, how’s my favorite Lieutenant Commander of the Datatech Division?” You raise an eyebrow, unable to hide a smile. “Since when have you known my full title? I’m pretty sure only Tela’s bothered to memorize it.” Poe’s grin stalls a second, almost as if he’s embarrassed. Then the smile returns, full force and strong as a laser bolt.

“I make it a point to know all the pretty girls on this side of the galaxy, L/N. That list just happens to include you.” You roll your eyes, but can’t help feeling your heart do a slow roll in your chest. “So, did you jog across the base for anything other than some mild flattery?” Poe presses a hand to his heart in mock dismay. “Oh, it’s always more than mild. But yes, Lieutenant, I did. I need someone who’s tech savvy to help me decode some files.”

You fold your arms across your chest. “And here I thought you wanted me for something interesting. Any space jockey with half a brain can decode files.” Poe’s eyes linger on yours for a little longer than usual. “And what if this space jockey just wanted your company?” You let the question hang in the air for a second, then reply. “Then I’ll do it, but he’ll need a better excuse next time.” Poe’s grin could split the sun. Stars, you’re in over your head.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Meet me by the eastern side of base at ten standard hours tomorrow? That’s when the data finishes transmitting.” You nod. “I’ll be there.” “I’m looking forward to it.” Poe flashes you one last grin before disappearing down an adjacent corridor. You watch him as he goes. What are you getting yourself into?

You might have reservations, some last ounce of common sense that tells you not to run headlong into danger with this man. Yet you find yourself at the east corner of the base at ten standard hours, just as promised, although the designated meeting spot is empty of anyone save you. This is what you get for letting your heart run wild, you tell yourself, so you shouldn’t be surprised. You’re just a lieutenant to him, remember? Just a job.

Your fears are confirmed when you see Poe turn onto your hallway, talking with another girl. You know her from the intel division- Lian Kos, about as pretty as she is good with a star cruiser. Needless to say, she’s devastatingly attractive, and it comes as no surprise that Poe is deep in conversation with her. You can feel your heart shrinking in your chest, trying to hide itself away from this unwelcome truth that Poe is only playing with you.

However, you might just be kidding yourself, because you swear that the second Poe turns his head and sees you, his eyes light up in something almost like relief. His strides lengthen as he rushes over to you, muttering a quick goodbye to a more than slightly displeased Lian. The girl is forced to turn down another hallway, still evidently bitter over this quick goodbye.

You raise an eyebrow, unable to let it go. “What, did she insult your flying skills? I haven’t seen someone run that far from Lian since she accidentally shot a trainee in the arm during blaster practice.” Poe chuckles at that. “I didn’t want to be late. We’re doing very important work, you hear? The Resistance is crucial.” You barely hold back a snort. “I didn’t realize Resistance work was so important that you had to drop anyone in sight like you’ve been sliced by a vibroblade.”

Poe’s eyes twinkle with laughter, and for a second you feel like you’ve been caught in the crossfire. “Maybe I just wanted to see you.” Your words dry up on your tongue. He’s just joking, you know that, but something about the way he says it makes you almost think he’s telling the truth, that Poe Dameron would really cast aside a woman like Lian Kos for someone like you. Then the reality of the situation comes crashing back down around you, and you remember that something like that would never happen.

You force your smile back onto your cheeks. “And maybe I want to get this over with so I can go back to my station. Resistance work is important, right?” You might just be looking for excuses, but you swear that Poe looks almost disappointed by this.

Poe’s intel is actually pretty interesting. You hate to admit it after you made fun of him yesterday, but the decoding process is fairly difficult and it takes all of your focus to complete. That being said, you can’t help but notice the way Poe’s eyes linger on your face as you scan the files, or the way his gaze dances between your fingers as you work. It’s as if he’s never seen anyone quite like you before, and he’s taking the chance to truly look at you as if committing your very being to memory. It makes you want to look closer at him, to rethink all the certainties you’d propped up between you and the flyboy standing before you.

At last, the work is done and you’re free to go. You save the last file, turning to hand the datapad back to Poe so he can report to General Organa and be done with the project. However, his hands linger on yours, and he doesn’t accept the datapad right away. When he speaks again, his voice is soft. “I did need you, you know.” For some reason, you get the feeling that he isn’t just talking about the decoding, or the Resistance work, or anything like that at all. You have the strangest impression that he’s talking about the way he feels about you.

You’re afraid to say anything lest you break this moment, like a single word spoken will shatter the quiet of the room or dispel the blinking lights of the diagrams and navicomputers all around you. Poe looks back at you, and you swear he looks almost nervous. That can’t be right- practically perfect starfighter pilot Poe Dameron, the Resistance worker everybody swears by, nervous over you? It feels impossible.

Yet he still stands before you, shifting on his feet, not quite ready to speak again but utterly unwilling to leave. You move before you realize it, unable to take the silent pressure that you should be doing something. When you kiss him, you think it’s the worst mistake you’ve ever made. It certainly makes the blood rush through your head in a way you’ve only experienced during a street brawl against the First Order, when they’re shooting at you as you run and the adrenaline is coursing through your veins. This is how it feels to kiss Poe- not a soft moment, but a firestorm.

Then he’s kissing you again, datapad shoved onto a nearby table so he can wrap his hands around your waist and pull you close. You stay there for a day, maybe a year, or possibly only a couple of seconds. It feels like an eternity or like it barely happened at all. When you break away, you hesitate, still afraid to look up and condemn yourself to whatever emotion will be waiting in his eyes. After a heartbeat, two, you give in and look at him again.

He’s smiling. It’s a soft smile, one you don’t think you’ve seen in a while. He usually puts up this front of classic, confident soldier, a pilot who’s seen impossible odds and never been shaken by it. He wears the smile of a wolf, a leader, an actor. This is a wholly different smile- his, at last. Something that hasn’t yet been taken from him by the war.

His voice is quiet in the stillness of the room. “You keep surprising me, lieutenant.” You can’t help but share in his smile, feeling a giddy rush bubble up in your chest. “I intend to make it a habit.” His hand laces around yours, still unwilling to let you go quite yet. “That sounds good to me.”

#poe dameron #poe dameron imagines #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron oneshot #star wars #star wars imagines #star wars x reader #star wars oneshot #poe #poe imagines #poe oneshot #poe x reader #tfa #tros

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miekasa · 4 years ago

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and i found them! the actual ac unit snippet was hiding with the last one, so i thought i’d just drop them both here 😅 your appreciation means the world to me 🌼

💉the broken ac unit snippet [not the previous choppy summary, but the actual snippet that was hiding with erwintholomew’s]

it’s summer—dry heat, humidity, and warm winds all around. oc has been working in the outdoor makeshift hospital for her month’s rotation shift. tents of covid cases have been overflowing. it’s patient after patient, and she’s in PPE—full-on hazmat suit for 8 hours (sometimes more). food and water breaks between shifts aren’t feasible because they’re saving suits, bathroom breaks are timed before or after she suits up. it was literally hell.

levi’s been noticing his roomie coming home even more exhausted than usual. sometimes, she just goes to the kitchen and drinks down two glasses of water before heading for a nap. he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. she looked like she’s lost a bit of weight. she was always a little paler and seemed to be wilted these days. he’s been trying to quietly shoulder a bit more of her chores, but he’s also pretty amazed at how she manages to keep up.

it was on a saturday afternoon when he found out. he had work and errands to run and some packages to send to his mom. he knocks on his roomie’s door to ask if she wanted him to do anything for her. he’s willing to do her groceries or make her dinner if it meant seeing her eat something other than instant ramen or a peanut butter sandwich. her muffled voice bids him to come in.

oc: oh heya

she gives him a tired wave. she’s sitting on her bed, reading something on her tablet. the first thing levi notices is that it’s way too fucking hot. her room is neat with a bit of a mess, a few notebooks strewn around her bed and a shirt hanging on the study chair, but obviously clean. the fan she has turned on was doing nothing to alleviate the heat though.

levi: you know you can turn your ac up in this heat right?

oc gives a tired chuckle at that.

oc: it’s been broken for a few weeks, but don’t worry! i already got a new one

levi is pretty speechless, considering that the heat wave has only been getting worse for the past month. she points to the unopened giant box crowding the space by her work desk.

oc: work’s just been exhausti—busy lately, but i’ll get around to it. i just need to switch them out and take the old one to recycling downstairs.

levi honestly doesn’t have anything to say to that because what the hell—

oc: did you need something?

he snaps out of it.

levi: i’m—i’m going out for errands. want me to get you anything?

oc: oh, are you passing by the pharmacy?

he wasn’t planning on it, but levi nods.

oc: yeah hang on, lemme just write the prescription for my pills. thank you!

levi shuts her door and speedwalks to his room. he knows he’s being irrational, and he knows that it isn’t his fault but fuck, she’s been living like that for weeks on top of all her work. he turns up his ac unit, rolls down his blinds, and fluffs the pillows on his bed before pulling the covers down. he knows that he could offer the suggestion of sleeping on the couch in their living room (they had an ac unit there after all), but no. she deserves better than that.

when levi walks back to her room, oc’s head peeps out of the door.

oc: here, i just need three boxes and i can cashapp you the payment.

levi grunts, taking the prescription and folding it into his pocket.

levi: come with me.

oc is pretty taken aback at his gruff tone, and she wonders what’s gotten him in a twist. she’s on the verge of passing out because work has been brutal and she has a golden weekend, so she was planning to catch up on a lot of rest. she follows quietly, wanting to quickly resolve whatever this was. her roomie’s always been a little...weird. it gets weirder when she realizes that he’s leading her to his room. cold air hits her when he opens the door and ushers her in, and she feels reborn.

levi: you can rest here for now

oc’s eyes widen at that. they’ve been roomies for over a year now, and respecting personal spaces has always been a huge factor contributing to their civil harmony as roommates.

oc: levi, it’s fine! i can’t, really! i don’t want to intrude, and besides, it’s fine, i—i’ve been alright anywa—

she’s cut off when he starts nudging (pushing) her towards the bed.

levi: seriously, i’ll be out the whole afternoon.

her but’s and what-if’s and i’m-fine’s fall on deaf ears. her roomie maneuvers her expertly and practically trips her to make her fall onto the bed. when her back hits the soft mattress, she feels a wave of fatigue hit. then he’s guiding her head towards the pillows while she mumbles about feeling like she’s overstepping, but levi’s room was cold and comfortable. the bed was a cloud, cool and soft and dragging her further into sleep. she feels the covers pulled up around her shoulders, and darkness claims her.

levi leaves quietly after shutting down the fan in her room. his afternoon is spent running some on-the-ground tasks for projects for work and personal errands. he does take an impromptu trip to the old deli near their place to buy some cuts of beef and a cheap bottle of red wine for a stew. he wonders if he’s breaching boundaries, but he makes an impulsive decision for once. he’ll drag her to dinner if he has to, she looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal in days. when he gets home, it’s late afternoon, but the sun was still up in all its scorching heat. he disinfects the goods thoroughly before heading for a shower himself. oc is still sleeping soundly when he checks in on her [levi thoughts: good, she really fucking needs it]. he goes into her room and replaces her broken ac unit, easily installing the new one and padding up the sides tightly. he brings the old one down before sweeping up the dust in her room that has settled from his handiwork. he turns it on to test it, and her room cools in minutes. satisfied, he leaves the ac unit on and starts dinner.

oc comes to slowly, mind still clouded and heavy from sleep. everything around her is blurry and she’s engulfed in softness smelling of black tea and spearmint. the realization of where she is hits like a freight train and this wakes her right up. the time on the clock by the bed says it’s almost half-past seven, and oc panics. she’s overstepped, her roomie’s gonna be pissed, and oh god, she didn’t mean to take that long of a nap. she practically runs out of his room. levi is setting two places at their table when she dashes in. a pot of stew was simmering on the stove. he looks up and just points to her meds.

levi: it’s already been disinfected.

oc opens her mouth for what was going to be a long apology when levi interrupts her before she even begins.

levi: i also installed your new ac unit. the broken one’s already at recycling.

oc’s eyes widen and she can feel tears welling up because it’s been weeks of exhaustion and uncomfortable hot nights and she’s been trying to find enough strength to do that and—

levi goes tomato-red when his roomie launches herself at him and wraps her arms around his shoulders tightly. he can hear her voice quivering, tone hovering on about-to-blubber-and-cry, repeatedly thanking him and apologizing for overstepping and he kind of just stands there for a moment. he pats her back awkwardly, wondering how to respond to her and decides to keep quiet and let her break the hug first. she might actually cry if he pushes her away.

oc lets him go gently, a little embarrassed at her outburst but she gives him a small smile and mutters a soft “sorry.”

levi: cut the apologies, brat. i offered. it’d be inhumane to let you sleep in that heat.

oc is about to argue when he fixes her with a glare that makes her sigh. she presses her palms into her cheeks in resignation.

levi: come on, i made dinner. you really need to eat something other than synthetic garbage and peanut butter.

oc sniffles and giggles. levi sets the food down and takes a seat beside her. he freezes when she grasps his hand.

oc: really, levi, thank you

levi shrugs (absolutely melting at her smile). he doles out servings of stew and rice, and they have a quiet dinner.

💉erwin’s own private gym in his penthouse snippet [in which erwin’s not even in this snippet, but he and his gym are catalysts of sorts]

it’s a rare occurrence that oc wakes before noon on her days off. so when she bumbles into the kitchen at 7am, craving for some tea and the little tiramisu her patient from work gave her, she bumps into levi. levi—also fresh out bed and only clad in boxer shorts. plaid dark pink ones that did wonders for his ass.

oc, completely forgetting that she’s in an oversized shirt that goes past her shorts and that her hair is a mess, stops mid-stride. her jaw drops. levi is built. not to any extreme body-builder kind to any extent. but he was fit and holy fuck his back alone was oh wow. yeah, she’s awake. levi turns at the sound of footsteps and has to suppress his smirk because oc’s appraisal was very very distracting, affirming, and ego-boosting. he thinks his roomie doesn’t even realize she is gawking [levi thoughts: she looks way too fucking cute and soft for someone half dead from a toxic shift yesterday and he wants to run his hands through her hair and knead the knots out of her shoulders and feel those legs—].

he truly has to hold in his laughter when oc literally goes “what the fuck” while waving around her hands gesturing to his abs and pecs. oc squints in the midst of her appraisal.

oc: how do you maintain all that in a pandemic??

levi sets down another mug and pours out more tea while explaining that erwin, who lives in the penthouse suite of the complex, has his own home gym. levi, hange, and moblit have exclusive access to it because they’re friends, they live in the same complex, they all work from home plus they clean up and help him maintain it.

levi: it’s a lot safer than public gyms.

oc is still chewing on this information while now blatantly staring at his thighs.

levi: i’m pretty sure erwin will let you use it too if you’re looking for someplace to work out. i can ask him if you want.

he adds some milk to her tea before walking over to oc and handing her a steaming mug of chai. he does this on purpose just to get a reaction out of her because he is absolutely basking in this. she is usually very composed and almost nothing fazes her, and he thinks he’s never seen her flush this deep. oc snaps out of it as she thanks him for the tea. she just nods, her eyes a little glazed over and unfocused.

oc: oh, th—that’s nice. i’ll think about it.

she primly grabs her tiramisu and walks back to her room, leaving levi smirking in their kitchen. she has thoughts that need processing.

oc thoughts: erwin happens to be filthy rich and roomie-free and can afford a penthouse. he dedicated a room in his penthouse to a fully-equipped gym. this is some really good chai. she pretty much stared at her roomie, with his knowledge, very disrespectfully at seven in the morning. her roommate is hot. pretty. cute. sexy. his voice—how has she never noticed? arms? abs? those thighs?? all of the above??? anyway, that v down his hips, his chest—yeah, her vibrator’s batteries die that night, and she’ll have to remember to get new ones after work. this is very for her, very bad indeed.

this was the h-word snippet 🥵 LMAO i had to give oc a little something because this isn’t one-sided after all 😌

SDKJSGHLF;DS ANON YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND YOU’RE A LITTLE GENIUS YOU KNOW THAT!!! INCREDIBLE!!

when levi walks back to her room, oc’s head peeps out of the door.

oc: here, i just need three boxes and i can cashapp you the payment.

levi grunts, taking the prescription and folding it into his pocket.

levi: come with me.

THIS PART!! IS SO LEVI!! I’M OBSESSED!! I’m obsessed with the whole concept of him just... affectionately forcing her to nap in his room because it’s the least he can do to help ease her pain, and show that he cares; but this right here!! The way he had no intentions of going to the pharmacy, but is going to help her out anyway!! Begrudgingly taking the perscription, and immediately changing the subject away from the topic of her paying him back!! So good!! (And why do I get the feeling that he never accepted her cashapp lmaooo).

oc is about to argue when he fixes her with a glare that makes her sigh. she presses her palms into her cheeks in resignation.

levi: come on, i made dinner. you really need to eat something other than synthetic garbage and peanut butter.

oc sniffles and giggles. levi sets the food down and takes a seat beside her. he freezes when she grasps his hand.

oc: really, levi, thank you

levi shrugs (absolutely melting at her smile).

ALSO HERE!! I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know but the casual insulting her dinners lmaoo only to help her out; it’s the showing affection without outright saying it’s affection that’s so GOOD!! I’M OBSESSED!!

AND THE WHOLE GYM SEQUENCE!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! LOVE LEVI BEING JUST A LITTLE COCKY!! GOOD FOR HIM!! HE’S ATTRACTIVE!! HE SHOULD KNOW IT!! PLS but oc being just a little shameless and telling him how good he looks and just staring without feeling guilty LMFAOO GOOD FOR HER TOO!! GOOD FOR THEM!!

#💉 anon #PLEASE i need to see more of oc and erwin interacting if he can handle it PLEASE!!!#you don't understand i am OBSESSED!!!!!#long post

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kaimelia · 4 years ago

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Paper Rings (Ch 13)

a/n: dun dun dun here it is finally. I make no promises as to when my next post will be but I hope you enjoy this chapter!

-----------------

“You don’t have to stay here. You can go to work, Link.” He brushed a strand of her hair back, frowning as she flipped to face away from him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed in their dark room, attempting to comfort Amelia after yesterday’s occurrences. He’d driven home afterward as Amelia stared out the window, her body shifted away from him. She was silent once they arrived home, only muttering a soft ‘Goodnight’ before falling asleep.

“I called in sick. No game today. Nico’s covering for me at practice.” He heard her sigh softly. “Can I get you something? Tea? Something to eat?”

“No, thanks.” He paused, waiting for her to say something more. Nothing. Link rubbed his hand up and down her leg gently, standing up and leaving the bedroom.

The kitchen sink was filled with dirty dishes. He laughed to himself, knowing Amelia hated doing the dishes and probably hadn’t done them in his absence. He made a silent vow to spend more time at the apartment and help her clean up. Link busied himself cleaning various spaces in the apartment, opening up the curtains to let some of the morning light in, washing and putting away dishes before beginning to make breakfast. She came out of the bedroom an hour later, a blanket wrapped around her like a shawl.

“There are some leftover waffles in the fridge if you want some,” he spoke from the couch, scrolling through an article on his computer.

“Thank you,” she whispered, opening the refrigerator door. She sat down across from him on the couch with a plate of waffles loaded with syrup.

“You okay?”

“Not really,” Amelia admitted, shoving a forkful of food into her mouth.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Link.” He sighed.

“You can’t just shut me out. You haven’t actually spoken to me since we got home last night.”

“I’m embarrassed you had to see me like that. Embarrassed that it even happened.” He closed his computer and set it down on the coffee table. “I know you said you didn’t mind, but I didn’t want you to have to know that part of my life.” Link sat up.

“I want to know every part of your life, Amelia. Even the bad parts.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to share the bad parts.” She snapped back, dropping the fork onto the plate. He cringed at the sound. “Sorry. There are just a lot of terrible things that have happened in my life that I don’t like to talk about with anyone. There are a lot of things no one knows. Things I don’t want to share, especially not with someone I met on Tinder, of all places.” Link raised his eyebrows.

“Really? I thought we moved past the Tinder thing.”

“It’s always going to be part of our relationship, whether we want to ignore it or not. You’re not someone I met naturally, and I’m not inclined to share certain things with you. Especially when you’re gone ninety percent of the time.” She muttered. He scoffed in disbelief, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You knew that I was taking this job when we started dating. It was always something that was going to happen and you agreed to be with me, knowing it would be difficult to manage.”

“I didn’t think it would go this far. I don’t plan ahead. I just live as things come. So, I didn’t think it would be something I had to worry about.” Amelia stood up, dropping the blanket that was wrapped around her shoulders.

“Where are you going?”

“To Meredith’s house. I don’t want to spend my day off fighting.” She dropped the plate into the empty sink, grabbing her phone and bag before slamming the door on her way out.

-----------------

“And you just left?” Amelia nodded, shrugging her shoulders.

“It’s like, every time things seem good, something happens.” Meredith laughed, pulling out some bowls from the cabinet.

“What happened last night? At the stadium?” The neurosurgeon sighed, watching as her sister spooned mac and cheese into the bowls.

“We had to stop by the locker room, and one of the guys left his meds out in the open. I just got really freaked out, and I was embarrassed that Link had to see that. I mean, I moved to Seattle for a fresh start. And everyone knows about my past, but it wasn’t just my past last night.”

“You know how addiction works, Amelia. It’s not something you can just shove aside and forget.”

“I know, but I just didn’t want him to see that. I don’t let you and Maggie see the bit of panic I feel when someone leaves a bottle open on the table.” They moved towards the kitchen table, bringing the bowls over to the kids in the living room. Amelia slumped down into a chair at the table. “And now, he wants to have some big conversation about it all. Just so he can leave this weekend and ignore me when he gets back.”

“I mean if you told him all of this-”

“I tried! He’s just filled with the whole ‘we can get through anything’ mindset, and it’s ridiculous. He doesn’t understand that I’m not going to tell him everything.” Meredith wiped her mouth with a napkin.

“Do I need to kick Zola out of your room?”

-----------------

“So what does it matter if we met on a dating app? It doesn’t change the way I feel about her, and it certainly doesn’t mean that our relationship is less real.” The beer bottle clinked as he placed it onto the glass table. Jo raised her eyebrows.

“You’re mad. It’s weird.”

“What am I supposed to do if she won’t talk to me? She just walks out and runs away. And Meredith? Meredith always has a place for her. She can just leave whenever she wants.” Link groaned dramatically. “I’m just trying to be there for her.”

“You’re never here, though.” He looked up. “This is the first time I’ve gotten to spend time with you since the season started. You can’t blame her for being annoyed about that.”

“And when I am here, she says she has to work.” Jo picked up his empty bottle, grabbing them both full ones from the fridge.

“So maybe it just doesn’t work, then.”

“But I want it to work. I love her. That’s not something I feel very often.”

“Except for Bronwyn,” Jo muttered, receiving an eye roll from Link. “You just have to learn to respect her boundaries. I didn’t tell Alex about Paul for years. I didn’t want him to know about that part of my life. I’m sure Amelia is doing the same thing.”

“I can’t help her if she won’t talk to me. We’re in a relationship. She should know that our lives are intertwined and that there’s no point in trying to avoid it.” Jo’s finger pointed, her eyebrows raised as if she had an idea.

“You know who you should talk to.”

“Who?”

“Amelia.”

#amelia shepherd #amelink #amelia x link #amelink fanfic #amelink fanfiction #grey's anatomy #Atticus Lincoln #greys abc #meredith grey #jo wilson #greys fanfic #my fics

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lizacstuff · 4 years ago

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SCK / Edser asks - ep 31/32

Asks about episode 31, some discussion of 32 under the cut

Anonymous said: with the past two episodes, i realized, for me at least, it's not so much about it feeling disjointed (31 didn't really feel disjointed to me tbf) but about the lack of edser screentime. when we do have their scenes, they're good! but the last 2 eps haven't had a lot of it which is what's frustrating (more annoying to me than even selin believe it or not). the fragman for next week looks good though.. with serkan losing his shit more and more.. which can only mean good things for us! lol.

Yes, I agree with this. This episode was a lot less disjointed than 30. 30 felt weird. For 31, there wasn’t enough Edser, but I found it leaps and bounds easier to watch than the last two episodes. As for not enough Edser, I was wondering if that was partly about the short shooting week. For episode 31 they only shot 4 days, a couple of paps said that they did that to give Kerem 3 days off last week because his family was visiting from US/Canada. I don’t know if that’s true, but they follow him around so they pry know if the fam is in town or not. Perhaps in doing that, they had to rely more on the second unit and focus on other characters?? Because there was a lot of focus on other characters this episode.

Speaking of other storylines, I do have to say that I’m very relieved that there is an actual reason why Ceren has lost the thread a bit. If she’s off her meds it explains a lot, and I’m thankful that while she tantrumed a lot about Eda and forced herself on someone who wasn’t inviting it with Deniz, she didn’t do anything unforgivable like actively try and hurt Eda.

Also the Erdem and Leyla scenes were amusing, and my queen Melo can do anything she wants. The only character who actually gives a damn about Eda and Serkan.

While there wasn’t enough Edser, there was more than a lot of people are giving the episode credit for. They had several really good scenes in the office with the balloons and the staring and later him questioning her about Deniz. We got jealous Serkan sniffing around Eda and Deniz’s cafe, and a really nice outside Eda’s house scene that got them being kind to each other and really, honestly talking. Then the funny scene inside with everyone thinking they were back together and Aydan freaking out. (we even got Serkan getting a few cathartic slaps!) The boat scenes were good, but they could have been better. I think they could have given us more and Eda could have been a bit more open with him trying so hard.

The final scene was a slap in the face and I think sort of tainted the rest of the episode, but without that, I thought there was actual progress made.

As for the fragman (and the extra scenes released in the VDay video yesterday) I actually have hope for 32 being a turning point. We’ve seen him be curious about her and opening up with her, now I think we’ll see the ye olde sexual attraction hitting him hard. That should be good! Plus banning love in the office! Vintage jealous Serkan!

Anonymous said: Last week's episode was not my favorite but after this week's, I'm just confused at the writing situation. You could jump from episode 30, to the last minute of episode 31 and you would've seen all you needed to see. It feels like they're wasting potential. Maybe the showrunner knows something we don't about how much time they have but I'm at the "not mad, but very disappointed" phase with how this story is going. And the "Ceren is crazy off her meds" storyline is particularly striking an nerve.

I’m sorry that the Ceren off her meds story is upsetting to you, I can see that. Unfortunately, I really don’t have faith they’ll do it justice. This show has treated some very big issues like agoraphobia, claustrophobia, narcolepsy, panic attacks and lets not forget amnesia and PTSD, at a very superficial level. However, I am glad that they at least gave a plausible reason for Ceren to undergo a behavioral change.

However, I don’t agree with you that the rest of the episode was pointless. I thought the Edser we did get was very good and Serkan made big strides. He was drawn to Eda, intrigued by her, asking questions, very jealous of Deniz, lying to Selin, getting annoyed at Selin, and meanwhile Eda and Serkan had some nice quite conversations. Remember the man doesn’t know her, but he feels that primal pull towards her and it still terrifies him. Especially now that we’re past her heightened emotions of ep 29, and he’s realizing what a competent professional she is and also caring and sweet, not quite the picture that Selin painted him.

The problem is the 1 step forward, 2 steps back that they’re having him do. However, what I’m hoping will happen is that all these experiences, these big steps forward he makes with Eda, before he freaks, gets back under the influence of Selin and jumps backwards, will have a cumulative effect and he’ll take a giant leap forward soon.

There are so many moments that show his tendency to be carrying and attentive towards Eda (offering to drive Eda home after the yacht, vs telling Selin he’s busy and she can go on ahead so he can sit and think about Eda), the switch has got to flip sooner rather than later for him.

Anonymous said: So I noticed that "March 20th" is 5 Saturdays from now. I sincerely hope they don't drag this fake engagement out until then

Good GAWD, don’t even say that! LMAO. Honestly, truly, I don’t think we’re going to drag her fake engagement out that long. Really truly. Have I convinced you yet? Have I convinced myself yet?

That would be way too much. By March 20th I’m expecting them to be sexing each other up!

Anonymous said: Think I am going to shake off the not so greatness of the last two episodes by thinking about how hot it is going to be watching Serkan try to win Eda back. Because we ended yet another episode with Serkan apparently still having zero interest in putting his engagement on hold and no progress made towards unmasking Selin’s game. Edser scenes were fire always but still too short & too far in between. At this point I think most of us could write a novel about how all over the place the writing is and how little things makes sense but that is just too depressing.

Yes, I think this is very true. IMO they really miscalculated by going with these engagements. They are really wearing on the audience. But I do think you’re right, that them constantly changing writers is a big part of the issue. Also I think it has to do with constantly living on the edge and not knowing how many episodes this show is going to have. I don’t know how any show could have a clear and consistent narrative with that constantly hanging over the creatives heads. It’s an interesting way to do things.

It is a bit head spinning when you think about how much time on this show they spend with Edser together and how much apart. HOWEVER, I’m a big proponent that from 16-26, they were basically in a romantic relationship the entire time. Even though they weren’t together, they were together, they belonged to each other, they couldn’t leave each other alone, every decision they made was with the other in mind. But I’m one that doesn’t find those episodes as tortuous as some, there are a LOT of good moments and scenes in there.

Anonymous said: So was Deniz agreeing to work with Selin supposed to be the start of her downfall? Or not? It honestly seems like the show is not even going the route of Selin doing something to mess with his memories anymore and just going to have Serkan flat out choose Eda over Selin but who knows. Only shining light on that front was the fact that Selin & Serkan had very few couple scenes in the last episode.

You are me, I’ve been wondering about this. The last episode sort of made me give up hope that Selin is going to face any repercussions for the disgusting way she has manipulated and brainwashed an amnesia victim. I mean, she will be heartbroken and will have to slink out of town again, but it’s possible she may not face any blowback from the other characters and that will suck.

On the bright side (you know I always have to look on the bright side) that means instead of her being unmasked, it will be, as you say, just Serkan, once again, straight up choosing Eda over her. Which is delicious and romantic in it’s own right. Their love once again triumphing over the biggest of odds, with everything stacked against them and people actively working against them and him suffering from a brain injury. That’s big. And I think after the way Serkan has treated Eda, it’s important that he choose and not just have th choice taken from him by Selin being “unmasked.” Though I’m happy if she’s unmasked after he’s already fallen for Eda (which lets be honest is actively happening).

So there’s a lot of upside to that, to Serkan just choosing, however if that happens and she leaves prior to him regaining his memories, we’ll probably have to suffer through Serkan thanking Selin and apologizing to her and that might make me break whatever screen I’m watching the show on that night. I keep telling myself the writers have to know we need some comeuppance and consequences for Selin, but I’m not sure I trust them to do that. It’s possible she’ll skate again.

The spoilers (which so far are batting about 50/50, so this is still all grain of salt) said that the last scene of 31 would be “bad” (it was IMO, ouch!) but that it would start the unmasking of Selin. If Deniz is playing Selin (which I think is very possible) then that spoiler cold still be true.

Maybe Deniz is a straight up a manipulative villain, but it feels like we have enough of that already. Doesn’t he seem smart enough to realize that he’s never going to get Eda through trickery, and would be much better served by championing her best interests instead of employing underhanded tactics to separate Eda/Serkan? So maybe he’ll help humiliate Selin by reveling what she’s doing. Who knows, we shall see.

Anonymous said: The thing that bothers me the most is serkan's attitude towards eda. When he is alone with her he is vulnerable, attentive to her, listens and tries to find out more about her and their love and the moments they spent together, he tries to remember. And when he is surrounded by other people especially selin he is completely different with her. He is cold, says cruel things to her (the moment he said that he will never marry her seriously serkan?) and he humiliates her constantly. PART1

Really I wonder why this sudden change every time there is surely something we don't know yet. PART2

Yes, there could be something we don’t know that’s contributing to his behavior.

Though @echoapothecary had a good theory about those spoilers that came out about how Selin was doing something with pills and potential drugging of Serkan... what if the spoiler types got it wrong from call sheets and mistook Ceren with the pills for something Selin was doing?

Serkan’s behavior could just be his pre-Eda robotic personality terrified of the person he becomes after Eda, combined with Selin’s abusive manipulation and brainwashing, combined with traumatic brain injury, combined with PTSD from the plane crash. That’s a lot to overcome.

Anonymous said: Poor Eda how much pain can she bear , she is suffering so much and she tries to stay strong and do everything she can to get her serkan back. I feel so much sympathy for her character, she has endured so much but she remains strong in spite of everything. If she decides to give up I wouldn't blame her, she has the right to think about herself for once. It's up to serkan now to open up to her, to show that he cares about her and wants to remember her.

My heart breaks for Eda. However, come on, it’s been like a week. Eda is stronger than than that, she wouldn’t be Eda if she gave up. She knows Serkan is suffering from a brain injury and being manipulated by that barnacle.

Also, remember how we spent episode 20-26 with Eda keeping her distance and controlling everything while Serkan worked his tail off to get her back, his love never wavering. They work because they don’t give up on one another.

Anonymous said: The only way for serkan to react is to feel that he is going to lose eda (she had already tried everything, recreating their moments, kissing him but nothing worked). Eda knows this and that's why she decided to start this game with Deniz, it's her only motivation. To make serkan react, be jealous, feel that he is about to lose her just like in episode 11 to finally confess his feelings. P1/

At first I was totally against this fake engagement but now that I see it from another point of view it seems to me that it is a good idea. Just how could eda have guessed that deniz was not sincere in his intention to help her and just wanted to take advantage of the situation. P2/

Yes, you’re right. Eda knows that Serkan needs to be pushed into a corner to act. That’s what happened the first time. If only we see a reaction like he had the first time around!

What I didn’t like is when Deniz expounded on their “love story” and made up the whole thing about them promising to get married which prompted Serkan to ask Eda if he knew about that. Eda had to say no and I feel like that gives Serkan a mistaken view of their relationship. That they were not in a place where they would have confided such things. It feels like it works against Eda’s objective. So that move puts a mark in the “Deniz is actually a manipulative shit-stain” category.

I just so badly want one of the other characters (Engin, Leyla) to accuse Serkan of being jealous and for him to respond that he doesn’t get jealous and for them to be all like, “Yeah, maybe you didn’t used to get jealous, but with Eda you were jealous of anything that competed for her attention, including babies and dogs!”

Anonymous said: i love that scene on the boat where serkan stays behind after dismissing selin (when he all too eager to take eda home before btw!!) and he's thinking about their moments together.. it's not flashbacks to his memories of her, but he's thinking about the moments that they've shared the DOES remember right now... boy is he already falling for her all over again

Yes, me too! That was very good moment. He sends his “fiancé” on her way without really even questioning where she’s been and then sits and thinks about another woman.

He’s got to be close to catching a clue! If only he didn’t emotionally destroy Eda every time he freaks out.

Anonymous said: i think it's hard for most people to watch serkan be "robot-y" after sooo many episodes of him evolving and growing and being in love with eda.. but i remember back to the first episodes and there are times and moments where he IS harsh with her there too.. they would have a close moment and then the next day he would be ice cold.. the same things happens now.. he has always, even back then, fought himself falling in love until he couldn't any longer and felt like he was actually losing her.

Yes! This is Serkan circa episode 3 when he freaked out and was a total and complete asshole to Eda. It just hurts so much more this time around. Then Eda, and the audience, could let it roll off our backs because they didn’t have history. Now we have 30 episode of history and love and evolution and it is hella painful to go back to that place again.

However, it is pretty realistic to his character and the guy we met in the beginning. What’s not entirely realistic is him taking refuge in Selin. But I suppose you take the fact that the last thing he remembers they were together, and forget the reason they broke up is that he was never going to marry her, throw in her trauma, manipulation and brainwashing and here we are at engaged!

Anonymous said: you know i never considered how the show must feel if you binge watched all of it.. i started watching from the 1st ep so it's always been this cycle of waiting a loooong week in between, but it must feel different if you've binged it.. i feel like storylines def won't feel as dragged out and therefore you wouldn't feel as frustrated by how long the plot would take.. like we waited 10+ weeks for edser to get back together but now someone can just breeze thru those episodes lol.

Yes, binging would take away a lot of the pain those of us week to week have felt. I binged through episode 9 and it’s been week to week for me every since. Like I said in that other ask, I like week to week, because I like fandom. I like talking to you all in my ask box and I like content, and having time to digest things and I like following the cast and getting spoilers, but the downside is the PAIN. LMAO.

Anonymous said: wow, they even stole your caption. so sorry this happened to you , i hope they take it down soon! i know you work hard to create these gifs and posts ❤

This is about the gal who reposted my gifset yesterday. Thank you so much, she did delete it. As I say, I’m more than fine with people using the gifs for reactions and meta and stuff like that, but it’s against every bit of tumblr etiquette (and rules) to repost entire sets as your own. Please don’t do that.

#sen cal kapimi #edser #Sen Çal Kapımı #serkan bolat #eda yildiz #eda yıldız #sckask #sck speculation #sck episode discussion #edser discussion #asklizac #sck 1x31 #sck 1x32

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moonlightsolo · 4 years ago

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bête noire

summary: After the mission with Kylo, you fall unconscious after an injury to your head. You wake up in the med ward needing Kylo by your side.

pairing: kylo ren x female reader

warnings: angst, lots of emotions, mention of needles,

wc: 1.6k

note: hi i’m back to writing. i posted why i was gone here. sorry this is a short chapter, the other ones will make up for it! i love u all sm!! ty for waiting ♡

- chapter list -

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

The first thing that runs through your mind when you wake up is why the room smells so strongly like disinfectant. It’s making your head thump terribly or maybe it’s something else causing this migraine...

The ache behind your eyes worsens when your heavy eyelids lift to open. The light above you is much too bright. You groan and bring your hand up to shield your face but why does your wrist feel so heavy?

You peek at your hand, seeing that a tiny tube is lodged into the top of your hand and is taped securely against your skin. Your eyes follow the clear tube up to the connected bag full of liquid on a metal hook.

You finally realize that this is not your room. It’s a hospital room. Really?

The memories start to rush back; The mission, the fighting, the Resistance...

Panic strikes you and your breathing quickens while your eyes glance around the familiar room when they adjust to the light. Damn it!

You sigh and look up at the bright white ceiling. The soft beep from your heart monitor is making you angry, why is it to annoying?

The door opens, a woman walks in with a tray of syringes. “Oh, you’re awake?!” She says happily then scurries to your side.

“How’s your pain? One to ten.” She asks you to rate the pain you’re in.

“It’s a seven. Just my head. It hurts.” Your voice is hoarse, “Do you have water?”

She nods as she writes down on a little notepad, “Yes, let me administer some pain medication through your IV first.” She grabs a syringe and connects it to the tube.

She slowly pushes it into your body, you can feel the medicine traveling through your veins. It’s a cold feeling that soothes you.

You almost sigh in relief, “Thank you.”

The nurse smiles and nods as she walks over to the sink to get you a cup of water. “Drink this slowly. You may get nauseous at first.” She hands you the styrofoam cup carefully.

Once your hand wraps around it, you bring the rim to your lips to take a big gulp.

The cold liquid travels down into your stomach, the feeling makes you want to hurl.

The nurse takes it from your hands and lays it down on a little table, “You know the man that brought you in, the Supreme Leader... I’ve never seen him while working here. I’ve only heard rumors that he is scary and tall. A very powerful individual.” Her voice trails off and you go to tell her how wrong she is but she continues.

“But, when he came in with you yesterday. All of those rumors felt like lies. I’ve never seen someone so scared to lose someone. Everybody on this ship are emotionless and stone cold. Be lucky that he loves you like that. Don’t get me wrong, he is still very tall and intimidating.” She chuckles as her hands move around to take care of you.

The words make your heart flutter in the best way possible. She smiles even more at your reaction, “Wait, where is he?” You ask and she perks up.

“I should probably go alert him that you’re awake now, hm? If you need anything press the nurse button on the side of the bed.” She says as she walks out of the room.

You take a deep breath, wishing you could just be somewhere else than this hospital room. It’s boring and it’s letting in bad memories of last time you were in a hospital room on a ship like this.

Slowly, your emotions take over your senses again. Your hands are shaking, your bottom lip quivers and your eyes are filling up with tears.

The last time you were in a room like this, it was against your will. You’re grateful he saved your life but what would have happened if he didn’t?

Then you remember Ailla, your previous nurse and her floating assistant droid. Your first and only friends you’ve made on a ship like this. The last time you saw her was when you were taken by the stormtroopers and put into a holding cell.

Kylo was so different back then. He was rude and cold to you. He starved you until you gave into his ultimatum to join the First Order and somehow you even fell in love with him.

He’s become more open with his emotions, letting you know when he’s happy and that he loves you and you’ve gave birth to his children. It’s insane how the universe works.

You let out a shaky breath you didn’t know you were holding. You’re glad you took the opportunity or you wouldn’t have your two sweet little babies. You’d probably be dead.

Your eyes fly open, taking a sharp breath as you look around your room. You fell asleep. The lights in the room have been dimmed but you spot a dark figure sitting on a chair in the corner. His head is hanging as he his elbows rest against his knees. It’s Kylo.

It’s almost like he knew you‘re awake, his head snaps up then he stands to walk quickly over to the side of the bed. His hand grasps yours instantly, “I didn’t want to wake you. You seemed so peaceful.” He mumbles, you squeeze his hand in response.

“How long were you waiting?” You ask softly, your voice is timid and still hoarse.

“Only about forty-five minutes.” He nods his head slowly, his dark eyes look over you in the bed. “I didn’t want any of this to happen.”

You grumble softly to yourself, making his head pick up to give you a confused look. “How are the kids?” You change the subject.

His facial features soften but his eyebrows are still furrowed in thought, “They’re fine. I have the droid watching them for the time being. I’ve had things to do around the ship.” His thumb absentmindedly rubs across the skin on your hand and over the medical tape holding the IV in place.

“I don’t want you to come with me anymore on these missions. It’s not safe and I don’t want anything to happen to you again.” His eyes glance at you before returning down to your joined hands, almost like he didn't want to see your response.

“What? No, Kylo. I’m not doing that, I want to be by your side.” You scoff and shake your head. You attempt to scoot your body up so you could sit up but some wires kept you tied down. His eyes fall over your pained face.

“I want to go back with you. We were so powerful together, didn’t you feel it?” You’re almost begging him by now.

“There’s no doubt that we were powerful beside each other but it’s not safe.” He replies coldly. “I said no.” He’s serious now.

Your eyes squint into slits, your mouth hangs ajar for a moment then closes. “Well, I don’t agree with you.” You blurt out, making him take a sharp deep breath through this nose, making his nostrils flare.

“You need to listen to me, Y/N. You’re not leaving this ship unless it’s approved by me.” His voice raises which makes you angrier.

“You can’t hold me against my will anymore.” You spit back angrily which makes him groan. He pulls his hand away from yours to take a step back from the bed, his hands rub over his face in frustration.

“Why do you have to be so stubborn?!” He yells into the air, the veins popping out in his neck as he stares at the ceiling. Your body winces at the sudden raise of his voice.

“I am not stubborn. I just want to be able to use that kind of power! I think it’s unfair that you’re going to withhold me from bettering myself.” You push a button so the bed would sit you up.

“See, that’s why I don’t want you to. It’s not making you become a better you,”

His voice lowers almost to a whisper, “The power you yield is incredibly dangerous and it will corrupt your mind. All you will think about is that one thing. You’ll forget about your children, you’ll forget about me. You’ll turn into this person that everyone fears. Do you really want that?”

The change of emotion in the room makes your face go completely still as you stare at him, the tears break free from your waterline when you try to blink them away. Your bottom lip subtly quivers as your emotions flood your body.

“I’ll come by later to take you back to our quarters.” He stands up straight, his dark eyes glance over your features then he turns to walk out of the room.

When the door closes behind him, you let out a sob. Your arms wrap around your body to try and console yourself, your knees slide up so you could cradle them against your chest.

Why does life have to be this way? Why can’t you just exclaim your feelings and not be told you’re wrong?

Your eyes catch something laying on a table beside your bed. It’s your pile of clothes you were wearing when you were brought in, your dusty saber is laying on top of the equally dirty clothes.

Maybe you could just leave now and not wait for him. Although that will piss him off even more.

You gulp and shake your head. There’s no reason to do that to him and betray his orders once again.

You slowly feel your emotions wear off, your body becomes cold and distant from your own conscience. It feels almost as if you turned your emotion switch off in your brain, but why would you do that?

You’ll just have to wait for Kylo to come fetch you from the med ward. Hopefully, everything will be back to normal soon.

tags: @officiallpeterparker @funnysadshit @ymariejp @attorneyl @fangirl570 @trinityrud20 @kylos-sassy-cousin @delicatelyherdreams @fizzywoohoo @savvy7392 @angelias134 @that-girl-named-alex @cas-backwards-tie @glimmering-darling-dolly @glitterypinkkitty @blxkstar @his-snow-white-queen @elsasshole @smiithys @nanocoool @deathbyarabbit @alex-skr @theholycakehole @averillian @crazynocturnalkiki @arcanebabe @tinydancer40 @superduckypower @thomasscresswell @butterfly-writes @thatintrovertedbisexual @fangirlanotherjust @somekindofroger @nicci442 @little-girl-who-dream-too-much @wildest-dream- @silverlambcaptain @cliffordmess @xkylorxn @lowkeyofsassguard @nickangel13 @carol-twinklefists-danvers @oopsiedoopsie23 @fandomshit6000 @baba-eina @cosmichellfire @ravngers @lipstickstateofmind @dorisfantasyworld @starrfruit

#kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x y/n #kylo x you #kylo x reader #kylo x y/n #kylo ren fanfic #kylo ren fanfiction #kylo ren fic #kylo ren series #star wars #star wars fanfic #star wars fanfiction #star wars fic #star wars series #star wars x reader #star wars x you #star wars x y/n

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scornedlove · 3 years ago

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Chapter Twenty-Eight

ROBYN

Covering my tattoo didn't feel as liberating as I expected it to. The next few days, I used my sore hand as an excuse to skip work. I didn't do anything but lay on my living room sofa and get high all day. I skipped showers and barely ate. I couldn't even find the energy to talk to Mel or whoever else was blowing up my phone. All I wanted was to be alone. Even when Dre came knocking at my door for the fourth day in a row, I prepared to leave him standing there again. Then he threatened to file a missing persons report.

"I swear to God Anna, you in a bougie ass neighborhood. It won't take long for the police to get here." He shouted, as he peered through my living room window.

"I'm fine! Now go away!" I yelled, barely moving a muscle.

"I wish you would stop acting like a kid! I just want to talk for a minute." The sincerity in his voice made me give in, but I took my sweet time getting to the door. When I cracked it, he still offered a soft smile.

"Can you let me in?" he pleaded, hearing Ollie and Pepe jumping to greet him as well. I sighed, took off the latch, and opened the door to let him in. Once he was in the threshold, they attacked his ankles with love until he bent down to rub their bellies.

“I know you haven’t been to work in a few days. I been calling and stopping by everyday. You got me worried as fuck, what’s going on with you?!” he quizzed, staring me over.

“Damn, a bitch can’t take a vacation? I mean, I am the boss.” I forced a laugh as I pulled out my rolling tray. I could tell I was gonna need to be high for this.

“Who you trying to fool? You don’t look good.” he frowned, shaking his head.

“I’m not trying to look good. I’m tryna get high...you wanna smoke?” I offered, holding it out to him.

“I’m serious. I know you an-”

“I mean, does anyone really know anyone” I side-eyed, cutting him off with a smirk.

“Stop that shit! I’m not joking around. Have you seen your doctor yet?” he snapped, getting to the reason behind his calls and visits. The doctor in him had to make sure I was good.

“I made an appointment for his next available opening which is two weeks out, is that okay Dr. Dre?”

“I hate when you do that. Stop making it seem like I’m overreacting.”

“You are, like you always do.”

“Alright, if I’m overreacting, show me how many doses you have left of the meds I gave you last week?” he demanded. I started to blow him off, but realized he was right. I had taken them all.

“I was having some stomach pain and headaches. They were the only thing that stopped it.” I explained, as I lit the blunt I finished rolling.

“That’s what I’m trying to get you to understand. You need them, go get a prescription cause I feel like you need something stronger than what I gave you.”

“Do you think you could hook me up with a few more, since I have to wait two more weeks?”

“Hell nah. I can’t hook you up with shit, but if you come to the office I can get you on the books.”

“Damn, I forget you a man who goes by the books.” I blew a few rings of smoke in his direction.

“Do you have to smoke so much?”

“Do you have to be in my fuckin business so much?”

“Wow. Really?”

“You heard me. You stay acting like you care so much. Why is that? Huh? You want some pussy? If that’s all you want just say that, I mean, I could use some dick too”.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what, I don’t know what you’re on right now, but I’m out. Call me when you’re sober” he stormed out, slamming my front door.

The noise from the slam created a tingling ache in my stomach that traveled up to my chest. Suddenly the room felt too small and I couldn't catch my breath. I squeezed my eyes as tight as I could and wrapped my hands around my elbows, as I rocked back and forth. I don't know how long it took for it to subside, but when it did, I realized I'd pissed on myself. I guess Dre was right after all, this was getting out of control.

I got up and ran myself a bubble bath. When I got out, I looked myself over in the mirror and was disgusted with my reflection. My skin was a mess, I was in need of a brow wax, and worse of all, I had a huge cluster of pimples on my chin. On top of looking like shit, I still felt like shit. I knew this couldn’t go on, so I called John to let him know I needed him tomorrow for the entire day. It was time for some much needed self love.

CHRIS

“I’m cool on relationships. I'm mad I even wasted time on that shit” I spat, tossing back a shot of Henny.

“Don’t beat yourself up bro, I told you about that long distance shit. She was probably fucking somebody else too”

“She was celibate T” I repeated for the umpteenth time, shaking my head with irritation.

“Whatever you say” he chuckled, sticking to his cheating theory.

“You know what, this is pretty much your fault now that I think about it”

“How you figure that?”

“You’re the reason I went on that double date, and you’re the reason I was stuck with Ryan’s drunk, freaky ass” I exclaimed, almost knocking over my chaser. I hadn't been this faded since Trey's bachelor party.

“Well damn, sounds like you need to be thanking me.”

“I lost my girl because of you”

“No, you lost a dead end relationship. Nobody wants to be stuck in that long distance shit, and she wasn’t giving up the goods either! That ain’t no way to live”

“Fuck you T. Everything is a joke to you huh?

“I’m sorry bro. For real tho, if you can say you were happy, or that she was your soulmate or some shit...then I’ll apologize” he stated before a long pause. “Exactly”

“Yeah, you might be on to something, but I guess now we'll never know”

“No, I am right and you know it. You need to get ya manhood back. This is the best the west coast has to offer, and you get the pick of the litter.” he slurred, as he waved some chicks in our direction. Before I could protest, two dancers approached us. They were both rocking dazzled lingerie and matching masks on their faces. The shorter one straddled T’s lap and immediately began gyrating on him.

“Hey baby, it’s been too long. I thought you wasn’t fucking with me anymore, but I see you brought a friend.” she smiled, placing his hands on her ass.

“Yeah, this my brother. He just got dumped and needs to be welcomed to the single life”

“Well he came to the right place. This my girl Goldilocks. It’s her first night, so don’t worry, she’ll be gentle.” she smirked, making eye contact with her as she nodded in my direction.

On cue, Goldilocks sat on my lap and started to whine her hips to Juvenile's slow motion. I couldn’t front, it had been so long since I had some ass, it didn’t take long for me to stand at attention.

“Follow me” she ordered, leading me towards the back of the club. She found the last empty room and lead the way inside.

“Sit there” she motioned towards the sofa as she seductively removed her bra and tossed it at me.

“MMMMM” she moaned, placing my hands on her breasts. I squeezed and rubbed her nipples while she grinded on me in her panties. She leaned into me and began to suck softly on my neck. Her scent filled my nostrils, and that’s when Robyn invaded my mind. Goldilocks was wearing Dolce and Gabana, her favorite perfume.

“Don’t stop touching me” she groaned, grabbing my manhood and squeezing as tight as she could. Her touch was electrifying, sending shocks throughout my body. After a few moments of her skin up against mine, I was ready to take her right there on the couch.

As if she was reading my mind, she stood, stepped back, and began peeling away her stockings. Just when I thought there was no way I could get any stiffer, I noticed a tattoo going down her side. It was just like the one Robyn had. I knew must’ve been tripping, but I had to know if it was her. As quick as I could, I hopped off the couch I was glued to and snatched the mask from Goldilock’s face.

“What the fuck!” I yelled as she jumped back and readjusted it.

“I know what you’re thinking, but it’s okay” Rayven sighed trying to calm me down.

“This is not okay!”

“Chill, ya’ll not even together anymore. I know how to keep my mouth shut. Besides, she’s not my cousin anymore. I don’t claim her ass.”

“Do you hear yourself right now?”

“Look, the bitch is crazy and I don’t fuck with her. You obviously don’t either, after the way she beat my ass over your rejection the other day.”

“What? I’m confused. Ya’ll fought?”

“Chris please, stop playing dumb. We fought over you plenty of times! But fuck all of that. Run me my money.?” she ordered, holding her hand out.

“Chill with that, I ain’t paying you for shit” I pushed past her, grabbed my jacket, and left the room.

ROBYN

After the way I acted before my panic attack yesterday, I knew I had hella ass kissing to do. I don’t know what I was thinking when I pissed Dre off. He’s the only reason I haven’t gone off the deep end already, so I knew I had to make things right with him.

I got up super early even though I barely had any sleep. Regardless of how I felt, I was going to make the most of today. I found a full service spa and got the luxury package. It included a full body massage, pedi, mani, and even a wax. I was there for a total of three hours, and by the time I left, I felt like I could conquer the world.

“Where to boss lady?” John asked, making eye contact through the rear view mirror as I slid in the backseat.

“I need to see Aundre. Would you happen to know where he is right now?”

“I do, but imma be honest with you. I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Why not? Did he say something to you?”

“I witnessed the aftermath last night. I’m not picking sides, hell I don’t even know what it was about, but I do know a hurt ego when I see one. Maybe it’ll be best to give him a little space.”

“I’ve known Dre for a long time now. Thanks for the advice, but I got this” I reassured him as he nodded his understanding. “Matter of fact. I have a couple of stops before his office if you don’t mind.”

Almost an hour later, I entered Dre’s office with steak and potatoes from his favorite steakhouse in LA and a bottle of Cabernet in tow. It was a few minutes before noon, so I figured I would surprise him with his favorite. No one can resist their favorite meal, even if they are pissed.

The first face I saw when I approached the receptionist’s window angered me to the core. I wanted to know what he was smoking on to have this woman in his presence, let alone his business. After everything she did to him, he still gave her what she wanted when she showed up with an open hand, and that had my blood boiling.

“Hi, do you have an appointment?” Teyana asked, without even looking in my direction as she took a seat at her computer.

“Wait...you work here?” I stammered, trying to gather my words.

“No, I just like the uniform” she smirked, rolling her eyes. A million questions ran through my mind and I couldn’t help but want to slap the smirk off her face. They had to be fucking again.

“Can you let Dre know I’m here. I just need a minute of his time.”

“He’s busy with right now, but I can let him know you stopped by.”

“I’ll wait. I just need a minute, this is import-"

"-I'm sorry Robyn, but he's with a patient. He asked me not to interrupt his patients unless it's for his mother. Now I can take your number and have him call you when he gets a chance."

“Are you kidding? You know he would drop whatever he’s doing to see me right?” I snapped in frustration. I was trying to keep the peace, but she was intentionally pushing my buttons.

“Tuh, girl please” she chuckled, getting a kick out of my attitude. I don’t know who she thought she was playing with, but I wasn’t the one. I took it upon myself to go through the doors that led to the back and found Dre’s office. Which wasn’t very difficult, his door was open and I had a clear shot of him sitting at his desk.

I walked right past Teyana with a smirk of my own this time. By the time I reached Dre, that smirk was gone. There was some other chick in his office comparing notes with him, which wasn’t the problem. She was practically in his lap with the way she leaned into him, she was so close that one of her big ass breasts was resting on his arm.

"Excuse me Dr. Dre” I cleared my throat and the girl jumped back.

“What are you doing here?” he asked in complete surprise.

“I brought you some lunch, but I guess your still working.” I paused glancing at the now irritated co worker. It was obvious Dre was hiring nothing but eye candy around here. He always had a thing for double d’s.

“Naw, Ms. Westwood and I were just finishing up. Give her these instructions and have her come back in a week” he stated, turning to face her. She grabbed her files and quickly left his office, making sure to look me up and down as she tossed her hair over her shoulder on the way out. Not this bitch too. I was gonna have to have a little talk with Dre about his choice of employees.

“So what is this supposed to be, an apology lunch?” he asked, closing the door to his office. The tone of his voice made it obvious he wasn’t gonna make this easy for me.

“Sorta. I needed to apologize but I wanted to surprise you with your favorite. Besides, this is my first time getting to see this place in person. It’s dope!” I forced a smile, taking a seat in the chair across from his desk. His piercing eyes stayed on mine making him hard to read, so I began to set his food up.

“You don’t have to do that. I don’t have an appetite right now, so I’ll just put that in the fridge until later.”

“Wow. Okay, you’re really upset with me huh?”

“Robyn, I don’t know what fucking planet you living on, but you don’t treat people the way you do and still expect everything to be cool.”

“I said I’m sorry. What more do you want? I don’t know why I say fucked up shit sometimes, but I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry don’t cut it. Shits gotta change.” he shook his head, making me feel shitty.

“That’s why I’m here. I don’t like whatever this is either. I need some help getting it together. Can you help me get through these next couple of weeks?” I sighed as his demeanor instantly hardened.

“And there it is”

“What?”

“The reason you’re here. You’re abusing these drugs and I’m the one supplying you. I’m beginning to notice a pattern, but I don’t want to believe you only come around when you need something from me” he nodded, as if he’d really solved a mystery.

“How dare you?! That’s not fair. You know how hard shit has been for me! You surrounded by all these bitches that’s taking advantage of yo stupid ass, they got you questioning my intentions!” I erupted like a fish out of water. “Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. How the fuck can I show up for anyone else when I can barely show up for myself?! You know what, nevermind. Fuck it, I don’t need anything from you!”

“Wait! I wasn’t trying to argue and fight but why do you make shit so hard?” he yelled, blocking the exit so I couldn’t storm out.

“Excuse me. You better get out of my way!”

“Chill Anna. Let’s just go back and have a se-”

“MOVE OUT MY FUCKIN WAY!” I yelled so loud there was no way anyone in the building missed it. He slowly backed from the door, a mixture of hurt and confusion on his face as my eyes met his, glare as intense as laser beams. I didn’t know whether to cry, slap him, or curse him out and act a fool. I couldn’t believe he called me an addict to my face. I had to get out before I did something stupid.

#rihanna #ff #fanfic #fanfiction

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fuzzballsheltiepants · 5 years ago

Text

The Sparrow

Green light filtered through the window. It made the room feel like it was under water, or on some foreign planet. Andrew dropped his arm over his eyes trying to block it out, trying to will himself back to sleep for another hour. Or three. Nobody was counting.

A sharp pip sounded from somewhere outside. A minute passed, and it sounded again. And again. Andrew dropped his arm and glared out into the greenish dawn. A little bird hung from one of the branches of the giant vine that clung to the side of the house. It stared at him, cocking its head to the side, bright eyes considering. Pip!

“You’re an asshole.”

The bird gave a self-satisfied pip and flew off. Bastard. Just what he needed, an alarm clock with a mind of its own.

He yawned and stretched, taking inventory of what hurt. Knees. Left thumb. Right hip. Better than yesterday. He left his cane where it was, leaning against the wall.

Going down the narrow stairs that his physical therapist had assured him were a terrible idea, he entered the tiny kitchen and grumbled at the landscape of boxes he could see stacked in the living room. The coffee maker was the one thing he had set up yesterday, and he listened to the gurgling sounds as the water dripped through while he looked over the boxes. Finding the one labeled Dishes, he dug through and pulled out a bowl and a mug.

He took his meager breakfast out onto the patio. The cracked concrete was shot through with weeds; the abandoned furniture peeling and rusted. The little pipping bird was back to sitting in the vines. He couldn’t figure out why it was there; other than the vines that were assaulting the house and a few coarse weeds, the yard was bare dirt, hard and unwelcoming and littered with junk. It was ugly as hell, but Andrew didn’t really care. All he had to do was lift his head, and the view was spectacular: rolling mountains, the caps slowly baring themselves to the spring sun, the slopes a mix of trees and green expanses that he knew from photographs were covered with flowers. Someday, he’d walk there. Someday, he’d reach the top.

Scoffing at himself, at his stupid impossible dreams, he creaked to his feet and went in to take his medications.

Andrew’s house was full of strangers. If he hadn’t just bought the thing two days ago, it would’ve been tempting to set it on fire.

They weren’t technically strangers, as Allison had pointed out, given that he worked with them. But when Renee had said she’d be stopping by to help him unpack, he would’ve preferred it if she’d mentioned she’d be bringing half the town. He glared across the room at Renee, who pretended not to notice while she helped her girlfriend unpack cooking supplies. There was banging overhead where Kevin and Matt were putting together his bed. On the one hand, he was glad he was going to be able to stop sleeping on his mattress on the floor. On the other hand…

Movement outside caught this eye, a flash of reddish brown in his front yard. “What—”

Renee paused in her silverware sorting and followed his eyes. “Oh good! Neil came.”

“What, you hadn’t brought enough people?”

His words were punctuated by a crash from upstairs, followed by Matt’s voice calling a strained, “Everything’s okay!”

“Neil’s a gardener,” Allison said, as if that should have been obvious.

“Great.” More help he didn’t want. He made his way outside, but Neil had disappeared. Grumbling, he walked around the house, only stumbling twice. A slender man stood at the edge of his backyard, facing the mountains. Andrew tried to pretend that the man didn’t improve the view considerably, and stepped up to his side.

The man gave him a slashing glance, then a matching smile. “You must be Andrew.” He held out his hand, shrugging when Andrew didn’t take it. “Neil. I’m a friend of Allison’s.”

“What fresh hell do you have in store for me?”

Neil laughed easily. “Depends on what you want. Clean all this trash up to start; after that it’s up to you.”

“Up to me.” So far not a damn thing had been up to him, despite Renee’s lip service. “In that case, can you get rid of the assholes who have taken over my house?”

“Sorry, no,” Neil said, grinning. Andrew couldn’t take his eyes off of him, and he cursed himself for his weakness. “You know how it is. Once you’re in Renee’s clutches, you will help people and you will like it.”

“I most definitely will not.”

Neil laughed again and turned back to the yard, picking up one of the discarded plastic buckets that littered the space. “I better get started.”

It was rapidly becoming familiar, getting dismissed in his own house. He would have stayed just to watch Neil work, but Dan called his name and he headed back inside to prevent a book-arranging disaster.

The rumble of a truck pulled Andrew out of the mental cocoon he went into whenever he started working on his book. The week had been blessedly quiet, save for his avian alarm clock, but it appeared that was at an end. Grumbling, he forced himself to his feet, leaving his cane leaning against the couch.

Neil was standing on his front walkway, rubbing a hand sheepishly through his hair. “Morning.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m here to figure out what we’re doing with your yard. Didn’t Allison tell you?”

Andrew thought of Allison’s parting words on Friday. “You’re welcome!” He hadn’t known what she meant and hadn’t cared. Evidently he should have. “Why?”

Neil looked at him, nonplussed. “Because having that yard basically being a wasteland of dirt is criminal?”

“Hey, it’s my wasteland of dirt.”

That damn smile made a reappearance. “You deserve more than that.”

“That’s such bullshit. Nobody deserves anything.”

Neil cocked his head to one side. “Do you really believe that?”

Andrew studied his face, the faded scarring across his cheeks, the stubborn set to his jaw that made the smile a lie. “How much is Allison paying you?”

He looked genuinely startled at that. “Nothing. I volunteered.”

“Why? What do you get out of this?”

Neil looked away, color staining his cheeks like a sunrise. “Everyone deserves a little beauty in their lives.”

Andrew wondered what it was like, going through life with the evidence of other people’s viciousness on your face, and believing in beauty anyway.

Slowly the garden took shape, each Sunday adding a little more. When Andrew greeted him the third Sunday leaning on his cane, the truckload of gravel went back to where it came from without a word. The next week, he came outside to find Neil laying out paving stones in a sunburst pattern where the concrete had once been.

Neil was interesting and unpredictable, some days working for hours in silence, others chattering at length about plants and birds, on this continent and others. Sometimes Andrew helped, raking the dirt in the raised beds, then setting the native perennials Neil had picked out gently into the sun-warmed soil. Sometimes his hands wouldn’t close on the tools, and he sat in the shade of the house and talked or read aloud from the book he was writing. Once he stopped, uncertain if Neil was even listening; his friend raised his head from where he was setting out a bird bath. “Is that it?” Neil asked, disappointment coloring his voice, and Andrew bit back his smile as he turned back to his book.

Neil arranged shrubs around the house and planted a couple of flowering trees for shade. Soon Andrew’s little pipping bird had friends of his own, and he woke to a melodic cacophony each morning. One afternoon, they sat in silence on the new furniture Andrew had ordered, sipping lemonade and watching fat bumblebees tumble in and out of hot pink flowers. The garden was almost done; the summer had already passed its peak. Andrew looked at Neil, at his summer-sky eyes and his autumn hair, and he swallowed back the grief as he realized these Sundays were drawing to a close.

The singing was not enough to stir him. He heard it, dimly, through the haze of pain, but he closed his eyes and drifted back into the darkness.

“Andrew?”

He knew that voice; it wrapped itself around his heart and pulled, forcing him into consciousness. Stifling his groan was impossible, and Neil was at his side in a flash. “How can I help?”

“I need to take my meds.” His voice sounded like gravel, and he tried to clear his throat but it was too dry to make a difference.

“Bathroom?”

Andrew hummed, and Neil disappeared, only to reappear in a second with his pill case and a glass of water. “Can I?” Neil asked, hovering an arm over Andrew’s shoulders. Nodding didn’t hurt, at least, and Neil slipped an arm gently behind him and coaxed him into a sitting position against the headboard. He held the glass so Andrew could suck some water through the straw, then handed him the pills, one at a time. When he was done, they sat there like that for a while, Andrew avoiding Neil’s eyes. He hated this, hated that Neil found him like this. Hated that this was the new reality of his life, where he could be going along okay and then suddenly be incapacitated by pain.

It hadn’t struck him down like this since he first got sick; he would never forget that panic, being alone and unable to move without screaming, having to drag himself to the bathroom. Then the weeks of doctor’s visits and tests, the medications that helped the pain but messed him up otherwise, until they finally found a cocktail that worked, more or less beating his immune system into submission. He had moved here out of sheer stubbornness; maybe he should call it stupidity. But he needed this. He needed the mountains out there, calling to him. He needed to believe that one day he would climb up there.

“Why are you here?” he asked, shattering the silence.

“It’s Sunday.”

But the garden is finished, he wanted to say; you are wasting your time with me.

Neil reached out like he was going to touch his hand, but refrained when he saw the red, swollen joints. “Did you think I was just coming for the garden?”

“Why else would you bother?”

“Andrew…I could have finished that garden in two weeks, if I’d wanted to. That was my plan, at first.” He laughed, shaking his head as if at himself. “But then you wouldn’t let me cut down that damn vine because that sparrow likes it…”

Andrew closed his eyes, hearing the unspoken words behind Neil’s soft tone. “I will never be more than this, Neil.”

“You’re Andrew. What more do you need to be?”

There was music in the trees. A symphony composed of wind through tree boughs, of the singing of birds, the chattering of squirrels, the baseline of leaves crunching underfoot. Andrew paused for breath, gulping down some water. The early springtime air traced cool fingers through his hair, and goosebumps erupted down his arms.

Recapping his water, he followed the sound of footsteps in front of him. His walking stick was worn smooth where his hand rested, and he rubbed his thumb in the glossy spot as he negotiated his way over some roots.

“It’s just up ahead,” Neil’s voice called from somewhere out of sight. Andrew took his time, even though he knew he would follow that voice anywhere. He had waited a year for this; he could wait a few minutes longer.

The trees finally opened up to a scene out of a movie. Flowers, blue and purple and white and yellow, all bowed before the wind that tore across the meadow. Neil stood on a little rise, one hand shielding his eyes, staring west. Andrew climbed up to stand next to him. He could see their house from here, the windows glinting in the sun. When he squinted, he could discern the blossoms on the flowering cherry Neil had planted near the bedroom. The tree was still small, barely taller than they were, but it bloomed with reckless abandon. Warmth crept through him that had nothing to do with the springtime sunshine as he thought of their tiny tree, and the nest the sparrows were building in its branches.

Neil bent down and kissed him, soft and lingering. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Andrew nodded, looking at the riot of color all around him. Up above, he could see the peak of the mountain looming white; once, he had longed to reach the very summit. Once, he had thought he would never set foot in the woods again. His free hand found Neil’s, tracing the familiar calluses and scars. “Beautiful.”

#writing #forgetmenotaftg #andrew minyard #neil josten #andreil #disabled!andrew #gardener!neil #my wriitng #aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court

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breakingsomething · 4 years ago

Text

to remember

basic summary: marvin's spiraling.

trigger warnings: mentions of abuse and self harm, flashback to a suicide attempt, much talk of medications, violent thoughts, themes of memory loss, extreme distress

it started with little things.

first he'd forget where he left stuff, like his phone or his cup of tea. that was just normal. but then he'd forget having ownership of certain items altogether. chase had once gotten mad at marvin for leaving a full mug next to his laptop, and it had taken five minutes for marvin to remember he'd made the drink in the first place.

as the weeks went by, thing continued to slip his mind. just small things. street names, words he should know, inside jokes from a while ago. he'd stumble before saying the name of an old friend, hesitate before mentioning that so and so had blonde hair because hadn't they dyed it, or had that been year ago? which of chase's kids liked sonic the hedgehog again? oh, chase kids were missing and he shouldn't bring them up? yeah. he'd forgotten that too.

then it was his medication. he'd been prescribed small tablets of paroxetine to take every day, which he'd done at the beginning. then he'd get so caught up with other things that it'd only be every few days that he'd remember the meds and a jolt of realization would hit him that he hadn't taken them in ages. but it was fine. he'd set a reminder on his phone! which worked for a while, until he'd read the notification and swipe it away with the intention to get up right away, but then get distracted, or even if he didn't get rid of it it would just get buried in his notifications bar and he wouldn't think twice. but it was fine! he was just a bit forgetful. silly billy marvin. so what if he sometimes forgot what his girlfriend looked like or when henrik's birthday was? that was normal, silly stuff. he was just fine.

"marvin, how long has it been since you've eaten?"

oh, someone was talking to him! he startled at the sound, whipping round in the kitchen doorway to face whoever it was and breathing a sigh of relief as he recognized him. jackie. his sweet big brother jackie, big brother who helped him keep his head on straight and comforted him through nightmares of events that marvin wasn't sure had really happened. how much of reality was he making up anymore? he wasn't sure.

"i just ate this morning," marvin said certainly, flashing the hero a smile. "what about you? i haven't seen you eat recently at all."

jackie crossed his arms, narrowing his dark eyes underneath his glasses. "me, chase and henrik ate breakfast together this morning. we had toast and wheetabix with bananas cause chase is on another health kick. where were you?"

marvin's confident grin slipped. "i - i had toast too," he said, trying to keep his voice steady so as not to reveal his uncertainties. "this morning. you guys must have - left."

marvin's heart was racing as he racked his brain. he had eaten, hadn't he? oh, oh, he didn't know. jackie's disapproving gaze was burning into him, making him feel smaller and smaller, like a child on the receiving end of a lecture.

"you can't skip meals, marvin," jackie sighed. he tilted his head and slowly reached his hand up to marvin's face, touching his forehead. even with the warning, marvin flinched. "are you feeling alright? apparently a lack of hunger or a feeling of sickness are side effects of the new medication, so -"

"shut up, jackie!" marvin hissed, face flushing. jackie raised an eyebrow at marvin's response, and the magician unconsciously flinched again. fuck, what was wrong with him lately? he knew jackie wasn't going to hurt him.

"there's no need to be embarrassed about medication," jackie said coolly. "i take paxil for my anxiety. it's nothing to be ashamed about."

"i know," marvin mumbled. he rubbed his skin comfortingly beneath his hoodie, wincing at the feeling of the scars all up his arm. self inflicted. couldn't blame anti for that. "it's not - i don't know. i'm new to all this. the whole - the whole…"

"mental illness thing?" jackie said with only a small hint of amusement in his voice. marvin snorted. the situation wasn't funny at all, so they had to make it that way themselves for it to be survivable.

he hummed, not looking jackie in the eye. another thing he was struggling with lately. he had always been good with things like that, something he excelled in that jackie did not. something else that had been taken from him. "i don't know. my head feels a bit weird all the time, but i don't think i'm sick. i should be ok, but, uh, thank you for the concern."

jackie kicked at a broken panel of wood on the floor, still not moving out of marvin's way. "speaking of medication," he said, and marvin's heart sank. "have you been taking them?"

"yes, jackie," marvin lied, swallowing hard, clenching and unclenching his fists. he couldn't stay still, why couldn't he stay still? his legs were shaking. "taken them every day."

"you're lying," jackie said flatly. marvin breathed in sharply at the undertone of disappointment in his voice, and just managed to look up at his face, cringing at how tired jackie looked. he rubbed at the bridge of his nose, pushing up his glasses. "henrik says you would have needed a refill by now if you had been taking them regularly. but you've barely touched the second packet."

marvin shook his head, breaths quickening. "i - yes i have. i finished the whole box." he'd dump them somewhere when he got a chance alone.

jackie sighed, shaking his head. "stop it, marvin. i looked in your room yesterday. the box was on your desk."

marvin gave a strangled cry. "you - you were in my fucking room? when i wasn't there?" god, he sounded like a child. but jackie knew that things were different after anti. marvin needed his space. he glared at his brother angrily, mouth hanging open with words he couldn't get out. "you fucking asshole, i thought you were going to respect my fucking privacy?"

jackie grimaced, scratching the back of his neck. "we're - we're worried for you, and -"

marvin didn't even say another word. he just shoved past his brother and stormed upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

sometimes he didn't remember his brother's names. that was just something that happened sometimes though, right? sometimes he forgot his street name. that was just a funny little mishap though, wasn't it? sometime he woke up and didn't know where he was and cried himself softly through his panic attack, curled up in the middle of his bed, too afraid to move in case someone came to hurt him, until he passed out from the headache that all the tears ended up giving him. that was normal though, wasn't it? just a silly little one time thing. it didn't mean anything. it could happen to anyone.

and then it happened again. and again. and again.

he awoke from nightmares he didn't remember. he thought about names that meant nothing to him, mouthing the words "dapper" and "naomi" and "jack" to himself. he held knives and thought about stabbing himself in the chest with them just to see what would happen. he shut himself in his wardrobe, shaking so hard he couldn't breath, feeling something hot drooling onto his neck.

the others began to properly notice the day marvin got lost.

he was just going to the corner shop. he bought a bottle of milk, a loaf of bread and a small packet of gum. he left the shop and was instantly hit with a dizzying wave of vertigo, like he was standing on top of a building. he didn't know where he was. he didn't know.

it was fine. there were three streets that branched off of this one, he was bound to belong on one of them. eeny, meeny, miney, mo, and he set off down the street to the left, which went down a small hill. that street then branched off into two other streets, and a long flight of stairs. marvin stared at them, head spinning.

he was suddenly so fucking scared.

he set off down the street to the left again. this one was sloping even further down a hill, tall, pretty looking houses with trimmed gardens and shiny cars parked neatly outside. marvin didn't live in a house, did he? he was certain he lived in a flat. there were flats somewhere in the distance, he could see. he set off towards them purposely, milk carton smacking against his thighs painfully.

it was so quiet. marvin felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, his chest tightening painfully. he wasn't supposed to be here. he wasn't supposed to be here. someone was going to stop him and tell him to turn around and he was lost, he was scared, and -

and the road ahead branched off into three separate roads, all of which were lined by blocks of identical flats.

he wasn't going to cry. he wasn't. he set off straight ahead, down a hill, frantically looking at the buildings around him. it was early spring, and some families were out in the gardens, playing in sprinklers and having barbecues. marvin was too hot in his long hoodie, sleeves covering the ugly scars on his arms. he couldn't breathe. he couldn't remember. nothing was familiar and the world was upside down and he was fucking terrified, was this a prank? was this a prank for his brother's youtube channel - which brother had a youtube channel, why couldn't he remember, he was scared, oh, he was scared!

eventually he collapsed in an empty bus stop, just across from a construction site surrounded by a red fence. he remembered that. there was a field behind it, and there was an abandoned waterworks, and a farm with lots of cows. he rapped his knuckles on his thighs, trying to ground himself. what else could he remember? he knew his own name. marvin mcloughlin, that was him. he tipped his head back and let out a shaky sob, stomach churning. nothing was right. he was too hot and the milk had gone warm and his palm was sweaty from holding the bread.

he sat there for an hour, numbly watching the sun go down. his head hurt from crying. he was too hot and tired and scared and he felt like a fucking child. marvin sat up, scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeve, scratching his sensitive skin. his mind felt like soup.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm twenty nine years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have three brothers. i have a girlfriend named naomi gudmundson. i used to be part of an organization called hecate's international network of magic.

it was night before his mind returned to him.

he fucking sobbed when it did, immediately scrambling to his feet and racing in the direction his mind was telling him to go before he forgot it. the milk and bread bashed his sides as he ran, and he definitely looked like a goddamn idiot, crying and darting through the streets with his shopping in hand. by the time he got to a street he recognized, a street he remembered, he was full blown sobbing, so hard it was difficult to catch a breath. and oh, when he saw chase sitting at the window on his ds, marvin could have cried out in relief. his little brother must have sensed him coming and turned to look at him, grinning, but his face fell as soon as he saw what state marvin was in. he leapt down from the window and disappeared, and marvin fell against the front door, not caring anymore if anyone saw him. he was scared, he was just so scared, he was just so, so scared.

as soon as the lock clicked and the door swung open, marvin threw himself into chase's arms, dropping the warm milk and crushed bread to the floor. "chase, chase, chase, chase!" he gasped, heart racing as his legs gave out, feeling like jelly. "oh my god, chase, chase..."

"what happened?" chase cried, clearly alarmed. he ran his hands across marvin's back soothingly, knowing not to touch his hair in case he set him off further. "did someone hurt you? do you need henrik? marvin, talk to me."

he couldn't talk. he was so overwhelmed, so fucking terrified out of his mind that he couldn't manage words, he just couldn't. all he could do was dry heave, coughing into his arm but still trying to cling to his brother because if he didn't he would disappear and marvin would be alone again and he couldn't be alone again he couldn't anti would get him anti would hurt him and dapper again and he'd punish him because kitten had disobeyed the rules and cut off his hair and anti would make him go into the spare room by himself again without anyone to touch him or talk to him fuck fuck fuck he was so scared!!!

he slept in jackie's bed that night. he couldn't speak, too overwhelmed, too afraid he'd be punished. he curled into a ball and hugged himself, confused and delirious, too shocked to speak. anti in his head. anti in his bed. dapper, anti, kitten, which name was his again? none of them sounded right.

everything came crashing down on him the next morning when he woke.

oh, oh, oh, had that all really happened? had he really gotten lost going to the corner shop, had he really had an hour long panic attack in broad daylight while clutching a bottle of milk and a bag of bread? a slapping wave of humiliation washed over him, and he shuddered, sitting right up in bed. was that real, had he made it up? he groaned softly, clutching his head. let it have been a nightmare, please, please.

he knew it hadn't been when jackie woke up and immediately started badgering him.

"who hurt you?" were his first words. "who upset you? what happened, why were you gone so long, tell me!"

"no one hurt me," marvin croaked. he hadn't spoken in hours, and his voice was hoarse. he curled tightly into himself, gently gracing his fingers across the skin of his neck to soothe himself. "just my own head. just my own head, jackie, jackie, jackie."

the conversation went by in a blur. marvin couldn't remember it.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm twenty nine years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have four brothers. i have a girlfriend named naomi. i used to be part of an organization called hecate's network of magic.

he didn't care what his brothers thought anyway. he was fine. it was just a silly memory lapse. ptsd? henrik, you're being ridiculous. jackie, don't agree with him! is anyone here on my side? chase? well, fuck you guys, i don't need you! no more doctors, no more doctors, i don't need you!

naomi was there for him. naomi, his best friend, his girlfriend, girlfriend, there was a change! he'd never loved that word more than now. he'd never loved her more than now. she was wonderful. she didn't treat him like he was fragile. he loved her.

"so how've you been?" she asked one morning when he was round at her shop, nai's blomma magi, yet again. he was there often, especially as of late. he didn't want to be around his brothers. all they did was talk in hushed voices and look away when he entered a room and speak to him gently like he was a bratty child. naomi didn't. naomi looked at him like he was her best friends and she loved him. he was so grateful for her. he thought she was the string holding him to the earth to stop him flying away.

"i've been good," he said cheerfully, swinging his legs on the counter where he was perched. naomi leapt up next to him, blowing upwards to push her caramel hair from her face. marvin wasn't used to it being so short. he thought it looked pretty. he stretched out a hand to run through it as he spoke, because they were dating and he could do that now, though he kept his eyes trained on naomi's despite how hard it was for him just in case she showed any signs of not liking what he was doing. "been busy. lots to do these days you know." he shot her some finger guns. "vibing."

she chuckled, rolling her eyes and shifting closer to him, knocking their legs together. "oh, the usual then," she joked, returning the finger guns. ""it be like that sometimes" and all that? are those the vibes, pye?"

he snorted, elbowing her side. "i am begging you to stop trying to use teen lingo. or - is lingo a word people use anymore? god, i don't fucking know. my point is please, please stop this madness."

she took his face in hand and titled it towards her, booping her nose against his. "ah, but you love me and my attempts at speaking like i am generation z," she laughed. "don't deny."

he knocked his forehead to hers, realizing how unprofessional they would look to anyone who might come inside. but honestly, he didn't care. he had no dignity left to lose. "i do love you," he murmured, before gently pressing his lips to hers, fingers brushing her warm cheeks. he couldn't stop himself from grinning ridiculously, giggling slightly as he pulled away. "ah, naomi, i'm bad at this."

"i'm no better," she admitted. her dark eyes flickered from marvin's lips to his eyes, making him automatically glance down at their entwined hands despite wanting to continue looking at her face. "i haven't had a relationship in years. what do we do? i mean, i won't lie, i enjoy what we're doing now. just this."

he kissed her again, just wanting to be close to her, not wanting to think. "naomi, naomi," he said softly against her lips, like a chant, like he was an actor memorizing his lines. "love you, naomi, naomi."

"that's my name," she whispered, her breath warm on his face. her fingers traced the scar on marvin's lip, the one anti had given him that day he tried to run away and he had made dapper slash his face with his knife as punishment. "you have a pretty name too, marvin. i should say it more often. marvin, marvin, marvin."

he felt light as a feather all of a sudden, like the air had been let out of him with just one stab of a knife to the face. marvin, marvin. forbidden. he didn't know that name.

he pulled away. stared into those chocolate eyes, his vision blurring as his exhaustion began to catch up to him. marvin, marvin, marvin, he didn't know a marvin.

"i don't understand," he mumbled.

the woman frowned, eyebrows furrowing. "what's wrong? pye, are you ok? you've gone very pale."

his fingers had gone very numb. he clumsily pushed himself off the counter, head swimming dizzily, his body moving sluggishly like he was wading through honey. "i'm not meant to be here," he slurred, tongue too big in his dry mouth. "i can't - i don't understand."

anti, anti, there was a name he knew. where did he go, kitten didn't know where he was or what he was doing - pye? pye wasn't his name. he didn't know what was. anti would know.

"marvin," his girlfriend was saying, naomi something, naomi gudmundson, his best friend. "marvin, hey, calm down, it's - uh, it's ok, i'm here. i - do you have your phone? i'm going to call jackie."

her voice was so lovely. marvin remembered days spent hypnotized out his mind, so desperately trying to remember the girl who called him names he wasn't allowed to know in his dreams, the two of them performing magic together. kitten wasn't allowed to perform magic anymore. his hands burned, and he clutched them tightly to his chest, tears forming in his eyes.

his phone had fallen out his pocket. "password, marvin," she asked, but he didn't know. he was suddenly so deep in his own head that he didn't know where or who he was. he was dimly aware of someone taking his hand and pressing one of his fingers to a sensor, of words being spoken, of a man with anti's face arriving and walking him home, of babbling tearfully about monsters and names and memories and girls in his dreams and twins who spoke with hands and charcoal and chocolate eyes and knives slitting his face and ropes and chains and predictive dreams and a man who held him tightly, crying, whispering "marvin, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok."

my name is marvin. i'm twenty something years old. i have been on this planet for three years. i'm bisexual. i have five brothers. i have a girlfriend. i used to be part of an organization called hecate.

they took him to a doctor.

jackie went with him. he was the only one marvin trusted, the one who's reddish hair and dark blue eyes and splattering of freckles across scarred cheeks was most comforting, warm, safe. the doctor's name was - something. she was kind, dark hair and glittering black eyes. she asked him questions. "have you been in any accidents recently?" she started in a tinny american accent. like chase. chase had an american accent.

jackie answered for him. "he's recently had a bad concussion, fell down the stairs and hit his head. that's the main thing we can think of."

that wasn't true. and yes, jackie and henrik had argued about lying. "they could incorrectly diagnose him, and then he could be put on the wrong medications, he's already on antidepressants and we can't risk something making his condition any worse!" henrik had cried. "this won't work!"

"then what do we say - "our brother deeply hypnotized him and locked away a ton of his memories, gaslighting him so badly he didn't remember his own name for like three days?" no!" jackie had hurled back. "a concussion is something more easy to explain. i can fake hospital records, aaron can help me if i need it, and -"

"we can't fake this!" henrik despaired. "this is a genuine problem, this is his life, we can't just fake hospital records and hope they magically come up with the correct diagnosis based on the lies you tell them -"

"this isn't your thing, hen, this is marvin and i am doing what's best for him -"

marvin had been sitting at the top of the stairs listening to them fight. he rubbed his burning hands together, wincing at the pain of the contact. how long had it been since he'd been able to use his magic? months. but he couldn't use it. he'd get in trouble. it wouldn't be ok, though. anti would let him use his magic before he exploded.

chase came to sit next to him. "i'm sorry," he said softly. "this is - shitty, i know."

everyone was always sorry. marvin shoved his hands between his knees and didn't respond until chase got the point and walked away again.

eventually, they had just gone with the concussion story.

the doctor turned back to him, smiling reassuringly. marvin fucking hated her. "does anyone in your family have a history of alcohol or drug misuse?" she asked.

chase, marvin dimly thought. then she realized he didn't mean that. "don't have parents," he said hollowly. "all i have is -"

"- is us," jackie interrupted, shooting marvin a look. "our parents are dead. there was no history of any of that, no. not that i'm aware of."

she glanced at her computer, ponytail swinging as she turned in her chair. "i see you're currently taking paroxetine, two 10mg tablets per day?" she asked, and marvin nodded. "have you had a history of mental health issues before this?"

"recently got diagnosed with depression," marvin mumbled, looking at his purple boots.

"have you ever self harmed or made a suicide attempt?"

"what does this have to do with memory loss?" jackie suddenly snapped, squeezing his brother's hand. marvin smiled, but shook his head at him, clearing his throat.

"it's ok, jackie," he said softly, and turned to the doctor again. "uh...yes to both."

"ok, ok." she was silent for a moment as she typed. "i don't see a log here for… any time recently. when did you make said attempt?"

a knife that anti hadn't taken back. he was out, gone away doing whatever he did, and marvin was in the bathroom, blade pressed to his wrist. it could all be over. dapper, brother, don't rewind, i want this to be permanent.

marvin turned to jackie, panicked. the older man immediately spoke up, leg bouncing rapidly. "i - last year, around july. he - there should be records, uh, i can see…"

jackie's boyfriend was going to be busy with these fake records, marvin thought, amused. records for a concussion, records for a suicide attempt - marvin hadn't yet met aaron, the man who had swept jackie off his feet while he was away, but he got the feeling the poor bastard was going to think he was a total nutjob.

no, that wasn't a nice word. naomi wouldn't like him using that word. a pang of guilt went through him; he'd left naomi for a full year with no explanation, kissed her a few times, freaked the fuck out and dipped. maybe she'd think he was insane too. no, no, bad word. he shouldn't be thinking such things about himself. naomi would never think that.

the doctor asked him a few memory related questions: what he'd had for breakfast, what his parents names were ("jack and… donna," he'd said), his address, ect ect. then he did something called a "mental state examination" that honestly felt like a test at school. he did a quick physical exam. then they'd asked to draw his blood.

that had been an immediate no from marvin.

"you - you can't do that," he stammered, pulling his hands inside his sleeves and wrapping them around himself. just the thought of someone coming near him with a sharp object sent him into an immediate sweat, his fight or flight instincts kicking in. "i - i don't like - i can't do that."

the doctor sighed. "we have to test for certain things, such as vitamin b-12 deficiency and thyroid disease," she said, like she was reciting from memory. "although given all i've heard, i think we may be able to diagnose you, but we have to make sure. we'll likely still have to do an mri to make sure."

"i can't do the blood, i can't do the blood," marvin chanted. he was shaking so ridiculously hard. when did he get this pathetic, this weak? "i - i'm sorry, i'm sorry, can't have sharp objects, jackie, jackie, jackie -"

jackie took his both his hands, glancing at the doctor helplessly. "he - he gets scared around sharp objects," he said apologetically. "marvin, hey, it's ok. no blood today, no blood."

"we'll have to reschedule if we can't do this today," she sighed again. marvin was getting sick of her doing that. "can we do tomorrow at… right before ten? maybe five two? that's when the trucks come to take away samples, and results would be quicker if we could get it done sooner."

jackie hesitated. "marvin?"

marvin couldn't breath. couldn't breath. "no, no, no, i didn't do anything wrong," he sobbed, flapping his hands in a circle with his eyes screwed up tight. "don't hurt me, i didn't mean it, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, leave me alone -"

he thought he blacked out. memories were fuzzy. days passed, maybe. maybe he got his blood drawn somehow. he didn't fucking know. time meant nothing anymore.

my name isn't mine. i'm too old. i have been on this planet for so long. i'm real, maybe. i have a lot of brothers. i have people who i think love me. i used to be somebody.

they diagnosed him with ptsd and memory loss. then he got started on donepezil as well as his paroxetine. two medications for two of the many things that were wrong with him.

he visited naomi and told her the truth.

"i lied to you," he said. he stood in front of the counter like a customer, eyes dry and voice flat. "i wasn't staying with a friend last year. i told you that because the truth is fucking awful and i didn't want to burden you with that."

naomi looked unsurprised, but concerned. she frowned, raising her hand like she was going to touch him, but held back. "marvin," she said softly, and the name grounded him. "you can tell me anything."

she shut shop for the day and he told her.

they were both crying by the end of it. it was a lot, to be fair; marvin had years of trauma to unload, though most of it had happened within the last year and a bit. he almost expected her to kick him out - he was damaged goods, too fucked in the head to even function without constantly being doped up on meds. but she never did. instead, she pulled him in for a proper hug, kissing the side of his head and gently rubbing his back. "marvin mcloughlin," she said, naomi said. "i can't even put into words how fucking sorry i am that all that happened to you, i - my fucking shit, that's so horrible."

marvin had been so unbelievably touch starved for so long that for a moment all he could do was linger in her arms, stunned, eyes so full of unfallen tears that he couldn't see. "please don't let go," he choked out, and he was still scared, but he knew her, had known her for a long time, and trusted her with his life. he somehow always had. maybe he'd fallen in love with her the moment they'd met. "you don't hate me. you don't hate me?"

he heard her snort, shocked. "you think i would - hate you for what?" she almost laughed, her short hair brushing marvin's forehead and getting caught in his barrettes. "marvin, you are more than just my boyfriend. you're my goddamn best friend and i love you more than i ever have loved anyone, and that is - väldigt läskigt, i am forgetting english. but i would never, ever hate you. well, do you - do you want the truth?"

he nodded into his shoulder, the movement making the tears overflow and spill down naomi's back. he quickly scrubbed at his face, embarrassed, but naomi hardly seemed to notice. she buried her face into marvin's neck, her voice slightly muffled as she spoke her next words.

"i was so lost when you left," she murmured. "i had made you my anchor. i blamed myself for you leaving; blamed my bpd, blamed all the depressive states you'd seen me go through, blamed all the mania you'd had to talk me out of. but you know what? i got a therapist and i learned i couldn't blame myself for the actions of others and i continued to love you every second you were gone. i knew you'd be back. i did. i never doubted you and i loved you, so so much, and with the help of my therapist i think i figured it all out."

she sat up, knocking her nose against marvin's. "you are a person and not an anchor. not a - a puppet or a magician for your brother to use. you are a person and so am i and this makes no sense, i don't even know if i'm speaking english but i do know i have always loved you and always will and i'm so glad you're alive."

and it was those words that finally broke marvin. he let out a noise that was almost a wail of despair, shoulders shaking as his chest heaved against naomi's body. she was crying too, he could hear her. so for a long while they just held each other through the pain, and eventually marvin wasn't sad or mourning, he was just hugging his best friend. just comfortable, just warm, just happy. just in love. just alive.

he would be ok.

and as he kissed her once more, this time certain of who he was, where he was, what he was, this time certain he knew he was ok; as he did that, he remembered himself one more time.

my name is marvin mcloughlin. i'm not dead and i'm not going to let myself hurt anymore and anti can suck it if he thinks i'm going to fall to his whims anymore. my name is marvin mcloughlin and i love my family and my friends and myself. my name is marvin mcloughlin and that glitch bitch better hide as well as he can, because a storm is coming and i'm going to be in the eye of it.

#jacksepticeye #boop writes #marvin the magnificent #chase brody #jackieboy man #henrik von schneeplestein #naomi gudmundson #arc three: righting wrongs

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hazel-writes · 4 years ago

Text

Summary: A nightmare, a new friend, and an old enemy — your first official day of work gets off to an interesting start.

Notes: This is a dialogue-heavy chapter, sorry!

Word Count: 2,200

Warnings: minor canon-typical violence

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

For when your troubles start multiplyin',

And they just might,

It's easy to forget them without tryin'

With just a pocketful of starlight

• Catch a Falling Star - Perry Como •

Panic. Complete and utter panic. You are searching for something, but you can’t seem to find it. You need this thing to survive. Where the kriff is it?!!

A bang. Heavy footsteps. A scream; your scream. You are being dragged away, helpless, no one around to save you.

Eventually you feel your bare feet hit freezing cold ground, but it’s a sinister voice that sounds from above you that chills you to the bone.

You sit up with a start, panting heavily. You hadn’t had a dream like that in a while. This one was scary, but what really terrified you was how strangely familiar it felt. It’s probably just the stress, you thought.

You looked at the clock across the room: 5:13. You were too anxious to go back to sleep and you had to get up in an hour anyways, so you decided to get ready for the day.

You showered, brushed your teeth, and inspected your closet for something to wear. You chose a dark grey tunic with a matching grey skirt that went just below your knees. In typical First Order fashion, you pulled your hair into a tight bun. Looking in the mirror, you barely recognized yourself.

No, this wouldn’t do.

Still feeling a bit rebellious from yesterday's encounter with the injured stormtrooper and General Hux, you decided to leave your hair down like you did on Lothal, two loose braids winding around the sides of your head, the rest of it gently cascading over your shoulders.

Better.

Content with your appearance, you headed straight for the cafeteria. You didn’t recognize most of the food — It all looked like gray mush compared to the vibrant, fresh foods your parents cooked back home.

Lothal was known for its large farm-based economy and culture, something you took immense pride in. Lothalians had fought hard to preserve their land, as it was often victim to exploitation by those with galactic authority. Many times the planet was under imperialist occupation, namely the former Galactic Empire. During those times, the planet was essentially destroyed, its sacred habitats burnt to a crisp. Natural resources were depleted, pollution enveloped the air, and Lothalians were either forced into a life of servitude or were killed. A small group of rebels, called the Spectres, led a resistance effort against the Imperial occupiers, eventually succeeding in driving them out. Since then, relations between Lothal and the First Order were tense, which explained some of General Hux’s disdain towards you. Lothal, however, managed to restore its previous prosperity and you had been lucky enough to grow up in relative peace.

Right now, all you longed for was your favorite fruit, jogan, but it didn’t look like you were going to find it here anytime soon. With a sigh, you settled for the indistinct mush and sat down at a table in the corner.

Since you woke up so early, you were the only one in the cafeteria, but you didn’t mind. You were actually thankful — this meant no more run-ins with stormtroopers, generals, or ridiculously tall men in capes.

After forcing down the last of the mush, you strolled the hallways, attempting to somewhat gain your bearings before your first official day of work. You pulled out the map you had been provided and followed its twists and turns to the yellow dot labeled: Office of Imperial Promotion, Galactic Truth, and Fact Correction.

As you rounded the last corner, you saw a door a dozen feet away which appeared to be guarded by a stormtrooper. This must be it, you thought.

You apprehensively approached the door, willing your feet to move forward with more confidence than they were. As you reached for the handle, you did your best to avoid the trooper’s gaze. Suddenly, he reached his arm out towards you.

Terrified, you stumbled backwards, hitting your head on the wall behind you. The trooper advanced, both arms now outstretched.

You protectively put up your arms as well, attempting to shield your head from any incoming injury — but it never came.

“Hey, hey, whoa.” You heard the trooper say, his hands now raised in surrender. “I’m not gonna hurt you, it’s me!”

Your hands were shaking as you lowered your arms slightly. You tried to think of any stormtroopers you knew. Not any on the Finalizer, you thought.

“I- I’m sorry. Who are you?” You stuttered.

“Oh, right!” He gestured lazily to his mask. “This ol’ thing.” He sighed and shook his head.

He spoke unlike you’d ever heard a trooper speak before. He sounded kind, normal even! Normal… Something clicked and you started to put the pieces together.

“You - you were the one I found in the hallway!”

You were shocked; you thought for sure you had left him to die. A stab of guilt pierced your heart.

“Yeah, that’s me, good ol' Mr. Concussion!”

“I thought you were... Well, I thought you were going to be-” you started.

“Trust me, I’ve been through much worse.” He shrugged nonchalantly. You paused, looking him over in astonishment and thoughts running wild. What piece of space junk sent him back to work the day after receiving a head injury?

“You should be lying down, or resting, or getting treatment in the med bay, or-”

“Wow," he said. "You sure worry a lot about other people for someone who doesn’t worry enough about themselves.”

“Why do you say that?” you questioned sceptically.

“Well, going through with that stunt yesterday, you not only risked your career for me, a stranger, but you risked your life as well.”

When you didn’t respond, he paused for a second, reaching behind him to reveal the large First Order coat you had used to stop his bleeding the day before. Hux’s coat.

“I take it this isn’t yours?” He asked, knowingly. You imagined a small smirk forming under his helmet.

You responded with a breathy laugh. “No, it most definitely is not. That used to belong to General Hux, but now it’s yours, I suppose.”

His eyes widened in a mix of shock, fear, and a hint of admiration.

“Son of a blaster, how’d you manage that?” He replied.

“Well, I uhh- I just kinda took it from him?”

“You just kinda took it from him?” he repeated, stunned.

“Without his permission…” you continued, quieter this time.

The trooper just stared at you in shock, and you started to feel uncomfortable. Maybe he thought you were crazy. Maybe he would turn you in. Maybe he would bring you to Kylo R-

A laugh bellowed from behind his mask, slightly distorted.

“You!” A laugh. “And Hux, how-” More laughter. “Without his permission-” He could barely get his words out between laughs.

This was the first time you’d heard laughter since arriving on the Finalizer, and you couldn’t help but smile in return. As his laughter mellowed, he sighed and stuck out his hand for you to shake.

“I’m FN-2187.”

FN-2187, you thought. “That’s hardly a name…”

He shrugged. “It’s the one I was given.”

You thought for a second. “Mind if I give you a new one, to be used privately of course,” you clarified.

He looked taken aback, even through the helmet. “Yeah, that would be… okay.”

You paused, thinking. “How about I call you Finn?”

“Finn… Yeah, I like that,” he said. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. My friends back home call me Wren, but it’s probably better you call me by my real name here,” you said, referencing the Finalizer.

He nods, and after telling him your name, you drop his hand. He looks around the hallway before moving a step closer to you.

“In all seriousness, thank you. No one has ever asked for more than my trooper code, and no one ever stops when… you know...,” He trailed off, lowering his gaze, that sadness you sensed from him yesterday having returned.

“Hey,” you reached out and placed a gentle hand on his armored shoulder. “We got each other’s backs now, right? We’ll make it outta here in one piece. Maybe we can steal Hux’s toupee next time.” You winked at him, making him chuckle.

“Ha, yeah, that’d be great,” he replied.

At that moment, the Ginger General himself rounded the corner of the hallway, followed by two obedient stormtroopers.

You started to feel the panic building again. Had he heard what I said? Is he coming to fulfil his promise of my death by trash compactor?

“It’s alright,” Finn reassured. “Follow my lead.”

Kicking Hux’s bloodied jacket behind the door, Finn moved to stand in front of you a few feet. You started to follow him, but he held his arm back, keeping you in place. Finn stood at attention as Hux neared, and you attempted to make yourself as small as possible. You noticed that his coat seemed a few sizes too big, and you chuckled internally, knowing that you were the reason for that.

“Ah, I see you have yet again managed to involve yourself in the business of pathetic stormtroopers,” he spat.

You glanced down to Finn’s fists, which were clenched in anger.

“No, General. I was just asking for directions” you replied.

Hux’s eyes slowly trailed over your body, like a predator stalking his prey. Finn subtly shifted his balance back and forth, continuing to clench and unclench his fists. The General’s eyes came to land on your hair, which he scowled at disapprovingly. He began to approach you, and as he did, you noticed Finn start to move towards you. You made a small gesture with your hand, pleading with him to stay back. He listened, reluctantly.

Hux grabbed a chunk of your hair. “This is not within protocol,” he seethed.

“Neither is that coat, General,” you replied, gesturing to his oversized garb.

You had no idea where the sudden burst of confidence had come from, but you immediately regretted your comment as Hux pulled harder, causing you to wince in pain. He pulled his face to your ear.

“Strike two,” he whispered threateningly, before shoving you back into the wall and turning around, almost knocking into Finn.

Expecting Finn to move out of the way, Hux waited, but neither of them stirred. The two were locked in a stalemate for what seemed like eons. Finn eventually sidestepped, letting him pass, and with a final glare, Hux and the troopers continued walking down the hallway.

You leaned against the wall, rubbing your now-sore head. As soon as Hux and the troopers were out of sight, Finn rushed over to you.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, concerned. His armored hand helped you smooth down your disheveled hair.

“Yeah,” you replied shakily.

“I could’ve helped,” he stated dejectedly, a hint of frustration laced in his tone.

“I know… I just didn’t want to see you get hurt — again,” you responded stubbornly, giving him a small tap on the side of his helmet.

“Hey, this whole saving each other’s lives thing only works if it goes both ways,” he argued.

“Save your saving for another time. I’m sure I’ll need it soon enough.”

He sighed. “I really hope that isn’t true.”

Silence filled the hallway before you had a sudden realization.

“Hey, how did you know who I was when I first walked up? You were unconscious when I found you yesterday…,” you asked, perplexed.

“When I woke up in the med bay, I asked the nurses how I got there. They told me I arrived with the help of a girl from this sector of the ship. So I came here and waited. I don’t know how, but I just knew when I saw you — you were the one who had saved me.”

“Oh,” you replied, still puzzled.

“Yeah, pretty weird, huh?” He paused. “Anyways, I should let you get to work — wouldn’t want you to be late.”

“Right,” you replied. “I guess I’ll see you around then Finn.”

“I hope so, coat thief,” he said with a smirk, placing a large hand on your shoulder. “Stay safe out there.”

“I’ll try my best, Mr. Concussion,” you replied, making your way to the door of your new workplace before directing a final wave back at Finn. You watched as he walked down the hallway, stopping at the very end to turn and salute you. You chuckled. At least I made one friend today, you thought.

You pondered over your father’s words of wisdom: nothing bad can ever come from helping those in need. So yeah, maybe that wasn’t completely true. But you could amend the advice a bit, taking today’s events into account: something good will always come from helping those in need. So far, despite everything you had gone through, that seemed to remain true.

With a new spring in your step, you smoothed your uniform, fixed your hair, and held your head high as you walked into your first official workspace, feeling prepared for whatever else you would have to face throughout the day.

-------------------------------

Previous || Masterlist || Next

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suitofvibraniumarmor · 4 years ago

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Boston Boys [Part Eight]

Summary: Sebastian ends up in Aurelie’s trauma bay; Chris is MIA. Pairing: Chris Evans x OFC, John Krasinski x OFC Word Count: 1675 Chapter Warnings: Gun violence, gunshot wound, implied smut. Square Filled: The entire series (well, bits and pieces of it) will fill my Crossover square for @marvelfluffbingo. A/N: This story contains a character who lost her hearing as she got older. I do work closely and regularly with the D/deaf community (I’m a sign language interpreter), but my own hearing problems do not involve significant hearing loss. It is not my intention to offend anyone, only to bring in a character with a quality I don’t see often in other fics. If you have questions about her, feel free to ask :)

Boston Boys Masterlist

“Dr. Juneau, you’ve been requested in Trauma One.”

Aurelie frowned. She hadn’t been requested by a single patient since the night John had come in to have his cut stitched up. Locking the computer she had been working on, Aurelie left her white coat behind and made way for the trauma bay.

“Adult male, approximately thirty-five. Dropped in the ambulance bay where an incoming rig found him.”

Aurelie took in as much of the information as she could while the nurses and techs hooked the man up to machines and started an IV. When the brief was over, she took a good look at her patient. Covered in blood and shaking, his face was pale and his breathing was labored.

Seb. No wonder he had asked for her. His eyes met hers. They were full of panic. She spotted movement from the arm where the nurse was attempting to start an IV. Seb’s hand was reaching out for Aurelie. She shook her head briefly.

“All right, I want a second IV, I want x-ray, CT. Figure out where this blood is coming from, what kind of injuries we’re looking at. Have a crash cart ready -- not just on standby, but ready. Now, move!”

The already chaotic movement of the team became more energized. Aurelie found the trauma scissors in her pocket and cut off his shirt while a tech cut off his pants.

“Doctor,” one nurse began, catching Aurelie’s attention, “I’ve got two GSW’s, one through-and-through in the left shoulder -- in the back, out the front -- and one still sitting near the diaphragm.”

Aurelie nodded. “All right, cancel CT, I want a mobile in the OR. Switch to oxygen on the gurney, start sedation meds, we’re rolling out now before that bullet moves. This needs to happen fast. Alert surgery.”

She let the team take Seb to the elevator; she jogged behind, texting Chris as she followed.

Seb’s in my trauma room. Wtf happened?! Heading to surgery now. Will keep you updated.

Aurelie was scrubbing out of the operating room when the familiar sounds of a scuffle called her attention to the hallway. If it was loud enough that she could hear and make out the sounds, it was serious. She finished her task and went out to see what was going on.

“Let me see him, you have to let me see him!”

Security was battling the determined mission of a redheaded woman, begging, pleading, demanding she let them see someone. Aurelie knew right away who she wanted to see.

“All right, all right, c’mon. She’s upset, can’t you see that?” Aurelie said sternly, getting between Scarlett and the guards. “Stand down, for fuck’s sake.”

Scarlett allowed Aurelie to help her to a nearby bench, but the guards didn’t go far. Aurelie motioned for them to stay calm, then sat down next to Scarlett.

“We got the stray bullet out. It was close to his diaphragm, so he’s on a ventilator right now so that we can control his breathing and allow the area to heal.”

“But he’s going to be okay?” Scarlett’s eyes were bloodshot from crying, and there was blood all over the front of her. “Aurie, you gotta tell me he’s gonna be okay.”

She hated when people called her Aurie, but this wasn’t the time to point that out. She looked sideways at the guards; one was genuinely not paying attention and the other was purposefully avoiding the personal note in the conversation.

“Barring any complications, he’ll be fine. He’s going to SICU right now, but you’ve got to let them get him settled and resting before you see him, all right? If you promise not to make a scene again, I’ll make sure you get ten minutes with him before you leave.” She held up a hand as Scarlett leaned in to hug her. “But you cannot -- cannot -- let on that you know me. To protect what I do here, I can’t be connected. To anyone.”

“I understand.”

Aurelie stood then, pulling the scrub cap from her head and shoving it in her pocket. No doubt Chris would be here soon -- they needed to talk. Stitching up random criminal lowlifes was one thing. Saving the life of someone she considered another brother was too close to home.

The pounding on Elsa’s apartment door spooked her from a deep sleep. She breathed heavy and fast as she sat up in bed, trying to decipher if the knocking was actually at her door. When the pounding started again and it was at her door, fear gripped her tighter. She just knew the bank robbers were on the other side of the door, ready to finish her off.

“Elsa, open up! It’s me, it’s Chris!”

Breathing a sigh of relief, she scrambled out of bed and went to the front door. She undid the deadbolt and the chain lock before twisting the lock on the knob. She let Chris in and immediately locked the door behind him.

“It’s three in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me!”

Chris wrapped his arms around her, pulling her flush against him and kissing her roughly. Elsa reacted in kind, going along with it when Chris tugged at her legs, lifting her up off the ground and wrapping her legs around his hips. He pushed them against the nearest open wall, knocking a few picture frames from a shelf in the process. Elsa bucked her hips against him, and that’s when Chris knew he needed to slow things and explain himself.

“I wanted to see you the other day, when you called. I’ve got a lot going on I can’t tell you about right now --”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and finish what you started.”

Chris grinned and pressed his lips to hers again. Elsa climbed down and pulled him toward her bedroom. She tossed off her nightgown and scooted back on the mattress while Chris tossed his shirt aside and pulled his belt from the loops holding it in place.

A few hours later, they were in the kitchen. Chris was making pancakes in his jeans, and Elsa was sitting on the counter watching in his t-shirt. She was laughing at a joke he made, thinking about how easy it was, being with Chris. There was no pressure to be anyone other than who she wanted to be, who she really was.

“I’m glad you came by,” she said, leaning over the griddle to kiss him.

Chris flipped the last pancake onto a stack with the others and turned off the heat on the stove. “I’m glad you let me in. What I was saying earlier, you know, I got a lot going on. Sometimes, there’s gonna be things I can’t tell you. But, I promise you, there’s no other girls, nothing that’s gonna hurt you. I want to tell you more, but I’ve at least got to tell you that because if I don’t -- if I don’t -- Elsa, I can be myself with you. I need that in my life, more than I can explain. You ground me, you keep me real. I know it hasn’t been that long, but you -- you’re a game-changer. I want to do better because of you.”

For a speech like that, Elsa could forget about the pancakes. She slid off the counter and put her hands on his bare hips. “I was thinking the same about you just now. About how I can be myself with you. It’s … it’s easy, being around you.”

Chris smiled. “Easy, yeah. That’s exactly it.”

Elsa went up on tiptoe to kiss him, effectively erasing the pancakes from his mind as well.

Before Aurelie closed out her shift the next morning, she went up to the surgical care unit to check on Seb. He was still on the ventilator, but holding steady. Scarlett was there too, curled up in a chair with a blanket. Aurelie was as quiet as she could be, but Scarlett was a light sleeper.

“Hey,” she greeted, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Thanks for whatever you said to the nurses. They let me stay all night.”

Aurelie nodded. “How long have you two been …?”

“Together. We’re together. It’s new. I was hung up on Chris for a long time, you know, but Seb never gave up. Guess I finally gave him a chance to show me what he was about and I was all for it.”

“That’s good. He’s been after you since before you and Chris, you know.”

“Really?” Scarlett’s eyes watered over.

“Yeah. Trust me. Sisters know shit.”

Scarlett nodded. “We were at a bar, some guy got mouthy. We made to leave and the guy followed us out, tried to grab me. I can hold my own, but --”

“But Seb wanted to protect you,” Aurelie finished.

“He did. I thought -- I thought he was going to die right there in my arms, you know? All the close calls we’ve had, all the referrals. Some dumbass in a bar was gonna be the one to take him out.”

Aurelie looked down at the gurney, and blue eyes looked back up at her. She motioned for Scarlett to come over. “I think he’s gonna be just fine. You’ve got a lot of years of this asshole ahead of you.”

Scarlett was out of the chair in an instant. She slipped her hand into Seb’s, and his eyes moved from Aurelie’s to hers. Aurelie promised both of them that things were going to be fine; she would send the floor doctor in immediately.

“Hey, real quick -- was Chris upset when he came by?”

Scarlett frowned. “I haven’t seen Chris since he left the shop yesterday.”

“Huh. Okay.”

So no one had heard from him since he went to see Robert the day before. Frowning, and with a million scenarios playing through her head, Aurelie alerted the charge nurse that Seb was awake, then hurriedly gathered her things to get out of there and start looking for her brother.

AlloftheThings: @captain-s-rogers @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @hurricanerin@horsesandbandsforlife @im-not-an-armrest-im-short @captain-rogers-beard @shynara51 @sea040561 @pinknerdpanda @xtina2191 @jackryanplz @beakami @heartsaved@fullprunerebelstatesman @blackwidowismyhomegirl

Boston Boys: @the-murder-strut-murdered-me @becs-bunker @shield-agent78 @patzammit @crazyandanonymous4u@ntlmundy @jennmurawski13 @okay-maybe-i-like-marvel-too

#marvelfluffbingo2020 #chris evans #john krasinski #crossover #fanfiction #criminal!au #queue and i remember budapest very differently

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sebs-anxiety-and-insanity · 4 years ago

Text

TW: Implied self harm, implied suicide, c!thomas is a sad mess, cussing

Viewer discretion is advised

Here is the song by city and colour

youtube

The way it used to be/ ThVi (its sad)

-------------------------------------------------

This is the story of a man

Thomas sat on his couch, scrolling through Twitter, replying to mentions here and there, just sitting. He felt Virgil lay down on his lap, going seemingly limp against him. Thomas put down his phone to turn his attention to his boyfriend. "You good there, Virge?" He nodded, smiling. "Having anxiety is just exhausting." Thomas sighed. "Why didn't you come get me?" Virgil shook his head. "Didn't wanna bother you, and besides, it wasn't even that bad. Now I am here with you." He turned on his side wrapping his arms around Thomas's waist. Thomas sighed in content. He knew this would be the rest of his life and he was completely happy with it.

Who took for granted everything he had

"I- I'm sorry okay? Please calm down!" Virgil said harshly not wanting to scream anymore than Thomas already had. "NO! WHAT THE HELL?!!! YOU KNEW THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME!!! THAT COULD'VE BEEN MY BREAK!!" Virgil shrunk back a bit. "I- I know, but-but I can't help it! Its literally my job!" Thomas huffed. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ANXIETY!!!!" Virgil flinched. He called him anxiety instead of his name.... Right as Thomas began to opened his mouth again, Virgil teleported to his room, locking the door.

And how he let it all just slip away

From then on, Virgil didn't act the same, flinching away from touches, hardly speaking and never wanted to be touched really. And a few months after a few more fights and awkward encounters he finally came out of his room he only grabbed a book, one Thomas had never seen before, and left. Returning hours later to say quietly that it would never happen again. And he left. Thomas would've gone after him but he had to go somewhere, and he would always be here when he gets back. Waiting for him since there isn't no where else to go.

Never to return again

He arrived back home sad? He hadn't had any anxiety which was unusual since he was surrounded by a bunch of people, bombarding him with a bunch of questions. He decided now was the time to go check on Virgil, say he is sorry and figure out why everything seemed gloomy. He went into the mind palace, and even the living room which was a neutral space was sad, not as much as everything else but still sad. He walked up the stairs, immediately noticing the bright blue door that had dogs and cats with a couple of frogs, was deepened and cracked, similar things done to the other doors. He walked down closer to Virgil's room, when he heard sobbing. Panic seeping in he ran to Virgils room only to stop dead in his tracks. Patton was crying, and was being cradled by Logan. Janus was in tears on Virgils bed, cradling a piece of fabric. He looked in the bathroom and his blood ran cold. Roman had tears steaming down while harshly talking with Remus, who was in the same state. He couldn't make out what they were saying since they were not audible from where he was. And a single limp arm dangled from the bathtub, red streaks streaming down said arm. Rushing in Roman immediately tried to stop him from seeing, but it was too late. He already saw Virgils lifeless body in a bathtub of red from his bleeding wrists. Tears streaming down his face. He faught against Roman to get to his boyfriends lifeless body. Why did this happen?

Now twenty years have come and gone

"Yeah, well fuck you! You shouldn't still be mourning him! And even if you weren't you still can't pretend I am him!" Anxietys distorted voice rang throughout the room. Thomas flinched. It's been twenty fucking years and they still didnt know anxietys name. And he still looked like Virgil which didnt help shit. He looked up to notice that Anxiety had disappeared. He sighed sitting back down on the couch, head in his hands. god what happened?

And still he wonders what he did so wrong

The next week he stayed in his room, refusing to do anything. Yeah it was twenty years ago but seeing anxiety made it yesterday. He soon created a sick little world in his head, where Virgil never died. And they just broke up. But Thomas knew there was hope of getting Virgil to get back together.

And how that he can win back *his* heart

Anxiety was now scared to be anxiety. Patton always trying to be happy, but failing from time to time, but still always vowing to protect him from such awkward encounters with their host. Anxiety would walk down to get a snack and Thomas would have a date set up for the both of them. Always calling him 'Virgil' and ignoring him saying that he wasnt this 'Virgil' he kept speaking of. And even though he failed, Thomas would always try again. He just had to win Virgils heart back. Ignoring Logan who was trying to get him to stop this behavior.

And finally step outside of the dark

Thomas sniffed the Roses he had bought which was purple, contrary to Anxietys black clothing. Satisfied with the purchase he left, waving goodbye to the owner of the shop, who had remembered his name and a few things about him, since he was in there every day.

He buys fresh roses every day

He offered the flowers to Anxiety once again, who awkwardly pushed them away and teleported out of the situation. He felt horrible, only being known for the past him, and not- ... well, him! Who even said he liked roses.

His favorite flower- so he used to say

It was the middle of the night, and Thomas was sobbing into the covers. The only time he wasn't stuck in his fake world since he was on medication which often made him forget his fake world for the night. He was sobbing, going through various memories of Virgil wearing roses in his hair. He reached over to take another swig of liquor, the all too familiar taste calming him a bit. And anxiety had to watch, since he never slept.

And now the memories are all that he has left

His drinking got more prominent, and even Remus was worried, usually his sticking thoughts and jokes would be there no matter what, but he was drained and focused on his host, not knowing what to do, but watch as this got sickening, even for him. Anxiety was on the same page as Remus, just at a lower volume. But he was the one who had to watch it 24/7 and he couldnt bare to look at his host like this.

I'm afraid he'll drink himself to death

While Thomas kinda creeped him out, Anxiety still felt bad for him, and it was still his job to protect his host. He decided to tell Logan about the rising intake of alcohol each night, slowly turning into spiked coffee, and other things. He really needed to stop...

This is the story of a man

Patton set Anxiety down, preparing himself. "Hey kiddo... I know you know that Virgil, our previous anxiety and friend, has passed... away. But I don't think, we ever told you how.... And for you to fully understand why Thomas is the way he is now, you need to hear the story, and I'm forced to tell it as Roman and Logan have been losing their minds, you know because of Thomas pretending that Virgil is still alive..." tears gathered in his eyes as he continued, telling the story as best he could.

Who took for granted everything he had

Anxiety felt bad for his past self and everyone else... he completely understood what Virgil was going through. But hearing it from his father figure made it twice as hard to pretend to be unphased by the information. This is one sad and frustrating story...

And how he let it all slip away

Anxiety didn't know how to feel for his host, anger? Or pity? He really tried to understand what had happened, but the relationship between Virgil and his host was really confusing, how could it not be? Especially towards the end...

Never to return again

Tears were now forming in Anxietys eyes as it became harder to understand Patton who was sobbing. He had lost his 'son' after all... And Anxiety felt like he lost a brother.

It's clear he moved on long ago

Thomas spiraled even further as he realized that his efforts to get Virgil back with him were futile. And he hated it. He hated it so much. He took another sip of his spiked coffee. Hoping to calm his nerves however he could. But always no matter what, when his meds arent making him somewhat sober minded, he always goes back to believing that he could somehow still win Virgils heart...

But still he clings on to the distant hope

He never slept now, even before he got atleast two hours of sleep. But that didnt happen anymore.. Thomas just stared at the ceiling as flashes of them together played through his mind. They looked so happy... Virgil looked happy...

That he'll come back and make a happy home

Everyone was spiraling as Thomas did, but it took more time for some of them. And Anxiety couldn't help because that would hurt his host even more. Anxiety decided to stop watching his host at night. Staring at the ceiling. He felt utterly useless, and he hated it. He sighed sitting up, the TV turned off, so it was playing footage of what Thomas was doing, and unsurprisingly he was still drinking and crying softly...

And now its him and the bottle all alone

As he spiraled he seemed to remember that his world was fake. And this made him unpredictable, and the others were spiraling with him, anxiety was spiraling the slowest. Which forced him to be the one always watching him. Sometimes he would look over at the TV to check on him and see him under a cherry blossom tree that had a swing hang on it. It was there he seemed the most sane. And numb, which kinda made it terrifying.

Sometimes you'll see him in the yard

You could tell by just looking at him sitting in the swing he was broken. Tears falling slowly, smiling to himself while he mumbles things to himself, something about how beautiful the imagination was. Clutching what seemed to be a purple hoodie.

A wounded man with a desperate heart

It seemed to be all he ever was, anxiety sighed sadly watching as Thomas pulled weeds from purple roses in the imagination. It seemed to be more of a calming thing, but it was still sad to watch.

He kept his Roses (hedges) trimmed nice and neat

Janus was watching Thomas with anxiety one day. Sadly noting that Thomas had replaced the area around the cherry blossom tree to replicate the way it looked when they first got together.

To keep them the way that they used to be

Thomas sat there in the swing admiring his work.

This is the story of a man

He sighed swinging back and forth a bit.

Who took for granted everything he had

After that day he seemed to be getting better, going to see a doctor about his spiraling.

And he let it all just slip away

Thomas was in fact getting better. He had stopped drink as much as he did, but it was a work in progress, and he even got a bit more comfortable around anxiety.

Never to return again

Thomas hung up the purple hoodie on his bathroom door. Just... admiring it sadly.

A single dress hangs on it's own

He would often would often smell the hoodie, it still smelled like him...

A scent of perfume all he has to hold

He remembers fading to his final sleep that night, clinging to the hoodie...

A wasted life waiting on a dream

As he closed his eyes one final time he saw him and Virgil sitting on the swing. Having fun and talking, just enjoying the others presence.

Hoping for things the way they used to be

He was happy, finally. Gone from the world he knew as pain. And he smiled.

This is the story of a man, who took for granted everything he had. And how he let it all just slip away, never to return again...

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Not really proofread so sorry for any mistakes!!!

But uh yeah hope you enjoyed!!

#sander sides #virgil sanders #Anxiety sanders #sandersides #c!thomas #song fic #sadness #Youtube

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howtosingit · 5 years ago

Text

Fic: Collect Me With Your Steady Hand

TK processes his dad’s diagnosis, and Carlos makes tamales.

A post-1x04 fic, based on that 1x05 promo pic from the cut Tarlos dinner scene.

2.7K | Also on AO3

——————

He can tell every time that it happens.

It’s like that feeling when your ears sink just below the surface of the water, but not every part of you is fully immersed. Maybe you’re floating on your back, or on your stomach; maybe you went under just to the top of your ears. It doesn’t really matter how, just that your ears are under but all of you might not be. The sound fades out into this eerie diluted thrum, but you can feel the air above the water on your exposed body. You’re simultaneously a part of both places, under and above, and you can’t belong fully to either one.

It’s the in-between, and that’s the place where he feels most alone.

Back in New York, he used to spend a lot of time in the in-between, especially when he was riding a high. He’s had a lot of experience there, and it’s almost a betrayal that he doesn’t feel more comfortable in that place after all of these years.

When he left the city, he hoped to leave the in-between behind. Those last days, when he’d sunk so far under the water that all he could see and hear was the darkness, are hard to forget. Starting over, here in Texas, was a way to escape that part of himself. It hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been without faults, but he was doing better. He was staying above the surface.

And then he finds his dad’s meds. And then his dad confirms what he already knows. And then he holds his dad tight and puts on a brave face and tells him that he’ll be there for him and that he knows that he is strong enough to beat this.

He believes that, he really does. But at the same time, TK can’t stop himself from imagining the alternative. It hits him repeatedly throughout the day, the idea of a reality without his biggest supporter, his best friend. The only person that he has left in this world. In those moments, he can feel himself falling under the surface, not fully submerged, but not fully present either.

Unlike the times before, it’s not a drug that will carry him further down before it wears off. This time, he’s held down by a weight that he can’t shake off, a premature grief that he can’t process because there hasn’t actually been a loss to grieve.

The idea of it is so much heavier.

So, he knows what’s happening right now, he can tell every time that it happens. He’s sitting at the table, the candles to his right flickering faintly on the edge of his vision. A plate sits in front of him, filled with some of the most delicious looking food he’s ever been served, but he can’t eat it. He knows it won’t have any taste, just like it doesn’t really have a smell. Just like he can’t really see the candle flame, and he can’t really hear the man moving around in the kitchen behind him, speaking without pausing for breath.

When Carlos had texted him that morning after returning from his weekend trip, TK immediately texted back, asking to meet up. His therapist has repeatedly made it clear that he needs to surround himself with people who can be there for him when things get hard, and Carlos is the closest thing that he has to a friend in Texas. Besides, with his dad relying on him for support, TK has to stay on the right track now more than ever. So, without thinking too much about it, he takes a chance and asks Carlos out.

He can tell, even through text, that this surprises the officer.

You want to have dinner with me?

Yeah, I missed you this weekend. I’d like to see you.

Okay, yeah. I’d like that too.

Where should we go? I’m relying on you to introduce me to Austin’s best.

I know some places.

But

This doesn’t have to mean anything

But I’d really like to cook for you

I like to cook and I don’t get to do it for other people very often

Would that be okay?

It’s fine if not, I’ll just pick a place.

The texts had come in so fast, TK hadn’t been able to respond. He had found Carlos’s anxious spiral to be a relief, as the man usually presented himself with so much confidence — a requirement for a police office, sure, but still unnerving. It’s that, more than anything else, that inspires TK to agree.

But now, sitting in Carlos’s apartment, staring down at the tamales on his plate, he just feels so disconnected from everything around him. He tries hard to grasp onto something, anything, but the false reality of his dad’s death keeps him from holding firm to anything real around him.

“TK?”

Lost in his own head, he doesn’t notice Carlos approaching him until there’s a gentle hand on his shoulder. It throws him, full-force, back into the moment, and he looks up to find Carlos standing next to him, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You okay?”

TK doesn’t respond, just continues to stare up at him, trying to make sense of where exactly he is and what he’s doing here. He can’t help thinking that he probably shouldn’t be.

“Something wrong with the tamales?” Carlos tries again, glancing down at the plate that TK has barely touched. TK looks down at it too, but he’s still not processing anything in a way that makes any sense. With a deep breath, he leans forward onto the table, crossing his arms in front of him and clenching his fingers around them, trying to ground himself. He feels Carlos’s hand fall from his shoulder, and immediately misses the weight.

“It’s something else, isn’t it?” Carlos says, obviously trying to fill the heavy silence. “Look, I know you didn’t want to do this, and I hope you didn’t feel pressured into anything. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

TK hears a shuffle and glances over, seeing that Carlos has shifted to sit at the head of the table, resting his arm on the surface and propping his head against his closed fist as he leans in TK’s direction. The action pulls his shirt sleeve tight around his bicep, and TK is distracted as his eyes travel over the man in front of him.

“TK, can you just tell me what’s wrong?” Carlos hedges, his body shifting slightly with discomfort under TK’s scrutiny. “I want us to be able to talk, TK. Talk to me.”

TK’s gaze shifts to Carlos’s face, pulled in by his bright brown eyes. They’re wide open and earnest. The sight causes TK’s breath to catch in his throat, just like it did when they sat like this at the police station less than two weeks ago. He’s still not used to people looking at him with so much open emotion; New Yorkers are notorious for being closed-off and guarded. He’s never met someone who wears their heart on their sleeve the way that Carlos does; it’s weird, but he finds it comforting. It makes him want to try too, to be more open like Carlos.

He holds Carlos’s gaze and, with a deep breath, speaks for the first time in what might be hours or days or weeks, but is probably just mere minutes. “My dad has cancer.”

Carlos’s eyes flicker in shock for just a brief moment, but he doesn’t look away. His hand drops down to the table, landing next to TK’s elbow. TK can feel the warmth, even though they aren’t touching. There’s a shift in the energy of the room, but Carlos is as steady as always, and TK can’t hold back any longer.

“He was diagnosed in New York. He didn’t tell me. I found out yesterday.” The words come out choppy and disjointed, monotonous and somewhat clinical. “He didn’t think I could handle it. He told me that wasn’t it, but I know it was. He was right, too. I can’t handle it. I keep fading out, losing myself. Thinking about him not being here with me. I. . . I. . .”

His words catch in his throat. His eyes scan Carlos’s face, trying to cling to something, but for the first time, he can’t tell what the other man is thinking. TK’s eyes widen, the fear of losing control right now sending him into a panic, but before he can go too far, he feels Carlos’s hand make contact with his skin. The touch opens his throat wide as a shaky gasp falls from him. “I can’t lose him. I can’t. He’s the only person I have. I can’t be alone. I don’t know what will happen to me if I’m alone. I can’t lose my dad. I can’t—“

His brain cuts him off as, without warning, Carlos rises from the table and moves behind him. It’s so fast that TK has no idea how it even happened. One moment, Carlos is at the table beside him; the next, he feels the other man’s body wrapped all around him, so close that he can’t tell where they each begin and end.

Carlos slides his arm around TK’s shoulders, linking their fingers together against TK’s chest. TK grips his forearm with his other hand, relishing in the feel of Carlos’s warm, coarse skin against his fingertips. Carlos’s right arm comes around him from the other side, his head resting next to TK’s, their faces pressed together, side-by-side. From behind, Carlos’s firm torso settles against TK’s back and shoulders, only the back of TK’s chair keeping them from fully melding into one.

Neither speaks. TK has no idea what he would even say. He has never, ever, been held like this before. At least, not by someone like Carlos. Certainly not by Alex, the man he had planned to spend the rest of his life with; they never touched like this. When he was younger, in his teens, before Alex, he touched guys in a different way, almost always for pleasure. But that’s not what this is; this is the furthest thing from sex.

He can feel himself vibrating, so much emotion throbbing through him, but instead of backing off, Carlos just holds him tighter, the hand that’s not holding TK’s rubbing softly against his skin. It’s so gentle, so caring, that TK can only remember being held by one other person with this kind of warmth and strength.

As a kid, TK used to think that Owen Strand could win an award for giving the best hugs in the entire universe. When TK would tell him that, his dad would give him a wide grin and gather him up in his arms, spinning him wildly around the room as TK’s giggles filled the space. He’s never felt safer than in the arms of his dad. His biggest hero. His one constant.

At this moment, all TK can think is how he now has a limited number of those hugs left.

The sudden thought steals the air right from his lungs. Carlos must sense it, because he turns his face towards TK, his nose pressing into the man’s temple. His lips softly caress TK’s ear as he finally speaks. “Breathe, TK,” he whispers softly. “Just breathe.”

It takes a minute before TK really comprehends what he’s saying. The room begins to spin, a result of the lack of oxygen to his brain, but Carlos is there the entire time. TK can feel his breath on his face, and he tries to focus on it, to synch-up their breathing. Carlos is patient and quiet, no longer speaking once he realizes that TK is making an effort to take in oxygen. However, he keeps his body wrapped tightly around TK, making it easier to feel each inhale and exhale.

It takes a while, what feels like hours, but finally TK feels his body relax. His breathing evens out, his vision clears. For the first time, he feels like he’s fully here, in Carlos’s apartment, with the man himself; for the first time all day, he’s fully in the present moment. TK grips Carlos’s hand tightly, silently thanking him for keeping him grounded.

Carlos seems to recognize TK’s newfound calm because he loosens his hold on him; he doesn’t pull away completely, but he gives TK a little space, resting his chin on TK’s shoulder.

“I know that we don’t really do this,” Carlos starts, and TK turns to face him, letting him know that he’s paying attention, “but thank you for letting me help. And for telling me.”

TK shifts just a bit to look Carlos in the eyes; they’re still wide open, but they’re softer than they were before. His forehead is creased in concern, but it doesn’t feel like pity.

“I’ve only known him for a little while, but your dad is one of the strongest people that I’ve ever met,” Carlos says, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth across TK’s right arm. “And you, TK, are one of the strongest people that I’ve ever met. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’d put my money on the two of you any day.”

“And no matter what happens with your dad, TK,” Carlos continues, and TK feels him take a deep breath before he goes on, “you are not alone here. You have your entire team, your familia, and they’ve got your back. Siempre.”

TK nods, but he gets the feeling that there’s more Carlos wants to say. The other man has broken eye contact following his little speech, and now he’s looking down at where his thumb continues to glide across TK’s skin.

TK thinks he knows what this is; Carlos has been burned by him before when he dared to show a hint of intimacy, and now he’s keeping his guard up, trying to stay more on the surface instead of diving in head first. TK understands, and he doesn’t blame Carlos for it, but he also wants them to be honest with each other. His last relationship fell apart because of withheld information, and he doesn’t want that with Carlos, no matter what kind of relationship they end up having together.

He knows that he’s going to have to make a move, to prove to Carlos that he’s not running away; that he has no interest in running away from him again.

They’re already sitting so close, but TK leans forward slightly, enough to nudge his forehead against Carlos’s temple. “You’re right,” he says, lips raising into a smirk. “I’ve got my team. And what about you?”

TK feels Carlos’s thumb stop its movement on his arm, but at the same time, he sees his lips turn up into a small smile. He might even be blushing. “Me?” Carlos says, and TK can hear a hint of what might be his signature sass coming out. It makes him smile. “I’m not going anywhere.” Carlos pulls back, looking TK directly in the eye. “You’ve got me whenever you need me, TK.”

The sincerity in his voice doesn’t surprise TK — if he’s learned anything about Carlos in the time that they’ve known each other, it’s that he’s an incredibly genuine person — but it still takes TK aback; he’s still adjusting to life away from the more distant people in New York.

Carlos, ever the observant officer, seems to understand that TK doesn’t necessarily have a response to his honesty; that he needs more time. So, he fills the silence for him.

“But right now, you need to eat. I did not spend hours on these tamales for you to just stare at them with those puppy dog eyes.” Carlos’s eyes glint with laughter as he pulls back, dragging his hands slowly away as he stands straight. TK huffs out a laugh, looking down at his plate. He feels Carlos move around the table to take his seat across from him.

They’re quiet, but it’s not awkward. It feels calming, peaceful — the first peace that TK has known since finding the pills in his dad’s desk. He stares over at Carlos, his face softly glowing in the light from the candles, and takes a deep breath to settle himself.

He’s got this. He’s got Carlos. He’s got Judd, Marjan, Paul, and Mateo. And he’s still got his dad.

He’s got enough support to keep his head above the water.

#tarlos #tarlos fic #tarlos fanfic #911 lone star #tk strand #carlos reyes #I wrote a thing

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lullabieswrappedinlies · 4 years ago

Text

Boston Boys [Part Eight]

Boston Boys Masterlist

“Dr. Juneau, you’ve been requested in Trauma One.”

“Adult male, approximately thirty-five. Dropped in the ambulance bay where an incoming rig found him.”

The already chaotic movement of the team became more energized. Aurelie found the trauma scissors in her pocket and cut off his shirt while a tech cut off his pants.

She let the team take Seb to the elevator; she jogged behind, texting Chris as she followed.

Seb’s in my trauma room. Wtf happened?! Heading to surgery now. Will keep you updated.

“Let me see him, you have to let me see him!”

Security was battling the determined mission of a redheaded woman, begging, pleading, demanding she let them see someone. Aurelie knew right away who she wanted to see.

“All right, all right, c’mon. She’s upset, can’t you see that?” Aurelie said sternly, getting between Scarlett and the guards. “Stand down, for fuck’s sake.”

Scarlett allowed Aurelie to help her to a nearby bench, but the guards didn’t go far. Aurelie motioned for them to stay calm, then sat down next to Scarlett.

“We got the stray bullet out. It was close to his diaphragm, so he’s on a ventilator right now so that we can control his breathing and allow the area to heal.”

“But he’s going to be okay?” Scarlett’s eyes were bloodshot from crying, and there was blood all over the front of her. “Aurie, you gotta tell me he’s gonna be okay.”

“I understand.”

“Elsa, open up! It’s me, it’s Chris!”

“It’s three in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me!”

“I wanted to see you the other day, when you called. I’ve got a lot going on I can’t tell you about right now --”

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and finish what you started.”

“I’m glad you came by,” she said, leaning over the griddle to kiss him.

Chris smiled. “Easy, yeah. That’s exactly it.”

Elsa went up on tiptoe to kiss him, effectively erasing the pancakes from his mind as well.

“Hey,” she greeted, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Thanks for whatever you said to the nurses. They let me stay all night.”

Aurelie nodded. “How long have you two been …?”

“That’s good. He’s been after you since before you and Chris, you know.”

“Really?” Scarlett’s eyes watered over.

“Yeah. Trust me. Sisters know shit.”

Scarlett nodded. “We were at a bar, some guy got mouthy. We made to leave and the guy followed us out, tried to grab me. I can hold my own, but --”

“But Seb wanted to protect you,” Aurelie finished.

“Hey, real quick -- was Chris upset when he came by?”

Scarlett frowned. “I haven’t seen Chris since he left the shop yesterday.”

“Huh. Okay.”

Tags:

@themtbmbgirl @keithseabrook27 @ulovemelightsout @rosie2801 @professorkrasinski

#john krasinski #chris evans #crossover #fanfiction #criminal!au #absolutely i queue

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