#i think we should celebrate women who want or do things that are bad for them because they just want to. she's a queen.

[merge-conflict]

if i have a controversial rogue opinion it's that i think taking johnny at face value when he says rogue will do whatever he says (implying he has all the power) is to believe what he tells himself which as we know isn't always...accurate. and the impression i get from some off-hand comments i've read that she was somehow forced or obligated to help him is i think sort of robbing her of her own agency? like yeah she has shit taste in men but she could have turned him down if she wanted to and she didn't really want to. it's a flaw that says something about how she values loyalty and the people she loves. there's nothing even in johnny's memories that suggests she's hopelessly heartbroken or that helpless to resist, hell santiago is the one telling her to consider the offer. she's got johnny's back, but you very obviously get the sense she doesn't need him in her life and has her own shit going on, you know? anyway maybe i'm misunderstanding folks i just love that she built her own empire on being ruthless and savvy and yet still has a soft spot for her old shitheel ex (but only after he grovels and embarrasses himself a little). ok thanks for reading my tedx talk.

[imxnotxhere]

Azriel Fic Recs

** Updated 03/07/2024 **

A collection of amazing fics I think everyone should read. Also an appreciation for the writers that carry this fandom on their back.

One Shots:

@azrielhours

soft spot - smut, fluff - "Azriel is very particular about his lovers; typically hard-hearted women chosen so they don’t develop an emotional attachment. Reader is one of these lovers, except she’s the sweetest and cheeriest on his roster. This causes Az to begin breaking his rules about intimacy, especially when she unwittingly ends up at his home for work one evening and spends the night."

take care - fluff - "There Was only One Bed trope, reader and Az stay at an Inn overnight, they take care of each other."

i want you to rest - fluff - 10/10 comfort fic - "Reader has a nightmare while on a mission w the boys. Azriel comes to the rescue, brings her to his room to comfort her. She doesn’t want to sleep so he stays with her through the night."

lessons on relief - smut - "Azriel is the last of the boys to lose his virginity"

tight enough - fluff - "Reader needs help tightening her corset and no one's around to help but Azriel."

captured - fluff - "The camera has been invented and Azriel takes up a hobby of capturing reader, proving how pretty she can be."

@tadpolesonalgae

unchained - smut

stockholm syndrome - smut, dark!az - please check the warnings before reading!

birthday girl - fluff

dreamy - smut

@azsazz

the caress of murder and moonlight - smut, rhys x azriel x reader - "Rhysand and Azriel are having a secret meeting out in the woods. Upon hearing your scream, the race to save you, and you thank them in the only way you know how."

after hours - smut, modern au, office au - "You and Az work in the same office and you've been crushing on each other for quite some time. Late at the office one night, he decides to do something about it."

body and soul - vamp!az au, smut - recommend checking the other parts

dirty work - smut

leisurely - fluff

@azrielbrainrot

i'll be here - fluff - "You feel a little out of place at a celebration in the House of Wind and a certain Shadowsinger comes to the rescue."

such a perfect place to start - fluff - "Something happens that has you questioning the nature of your relationship with the shadowsinger."

maybe we could be the start of something - fluff, modern au, band au - Your friends invite you to a bar and you could never imagine who you'd meet there."

darling i'd wait for you even if you didn't ask me to - fluff, modern au, band au - "You have a really bad day and Azriel is there to help you through it."

you take me higher - smut - "What happens when you run into Azriel at a bar after a long mission?"

loose lips and big feelings - fluff - "Azriel gets a little drunk and you take care of him."

the right time - fluff - "Azriel wakes up with a massive hangover and the girl of his dreams sitting in his kitchen."

when prayers fall on deaf ears - angst - "For the first time in his life, Azriel is not ready to accept death."

all over my skin - smut - "You find yourself in an empty room between the High Lord and the Shadowsinger."

sweet somethings - fluff - "You help Azriel put on a necklace and almost get lost in his eyes."

@serpentandlily

no going back- angst - "Azriel has been your mate, your husband, your love for centuries. But a certain Archeron sister has him questioning your relationship after all this time. You soon find out that there are simply things that can not be unsaid or undone. And sometimes, there are things you can’t come back from."

the shadowsinger's secret - "After years spent trying to befriend the shadowsinger to no avail, you are finally ready to give up after accidentally overhearing him speak poorly of you. But when a gossip session exposes a life-changing secret, you realize you can’t let go of Azriel just yet."

birds of a feather - angst - "Azriel had been your closest friend, made from the very same things as you—birds of a feather, as they say. But you were not the girl he chose to fall in love with. So all you could do was love your mate in the shadows until the day you died."

we should stick together - angst - "Azriel deals with the aftermath of losing his mate."

@illyrianbitch

death and his reaper - angst - "After suffering a devastating injury in battle, Azriel finds himself on the brink of life and death where he meets you, The Mother's reaper."

winner - "You and Azriel are both sore losers. But when you cheat in a game of cards, winning takes on a whole new meaning."

@fever-fluff

take my hand - angst, fluff - "Azriel really wants to hold your hand, but he's afraid that he'll hold it too tight."

@florencemtrash

he feels safe with you - "Azriel's sleeping habits begin to worry you, but after a conversation with Cassian, you realize you've misinterpreted the entire situation."

@utterlyazriel

let me keep you company - "You're studying in Velaris and a certain Shadowsinger catches your eyes in more than one way. It takes a while to realise the shadow keeping you company means more than you expect."

@prythianpages

i've been waiting for you - "Azriel finally meets the one he's been longing for. His mate."

be safe - fluff - "You are on your way to Day Court when Azriel stops you. After the two of you fall victim to Cassian's and Mor's teasing, Azriel realizes why he can't just let you go."

@leafsandstarlight

forced revelations - fluff - "While on a mission with Azriel, reader is tricked by a creature into revealing that her feelings for the Shadowsinger go beyond mere friendship."

bad idea, right? - smut - "You stopped sleeping together months ago, but when Azriel invites you back to his place after seeing you at Rita's you just know you're going to fall right back into his bed."

@writingcroissant

just a little crush - fluff - "Everyone secretly longs for Azriel, but Azriel only longs for her."

hands - smut - "Azriel has really nice hands. And he knows how to use them, too."

@safetypinxtales

lonely with you - angst, fluff - "it seems like everyone's found their mates, except you. On a sleepless night you turn to your friend, in hopes that being alone, together, will feel slightly less lonely."

@acourtofmenandthirst

love you in the dark - angst (really heavy on the angst)

@milswrites

somewhere only we know - angst - "Azriel comes to visit you for the first time in a while."

sweetened dreams - smut - "Having access to the people of Velaris' dreams was a gift you did not take for granted. Having access to your mate's heated dreams? Absolutely delicious."

@azrielscrown

innocence - smut, fluff

@gothicbabydollz

azriel x archeron!sister!reader - smut

@honeybeefae

desperate times - smut - "While tending to Elain's garden you come across a mysterious flower with an even more mysterious pollen. As the effects of it start to hit you, you have to fend for yourself to get the edge off...or do you?"

@writingsbychlo

be yours - fluff - "you ask azriel how it's possible he's still single."

@lalacliffthorne

idiot - smut - "a fight gets out of hand, and suddenly, everything´s turned upside down"

Series:

@azsazz

cupid's chokehold - fluff, angst - this is such an interesting concept - "You are a Cupid, a nearly extinct creature of Prythian. When you get caught trying to shoot Elain with your arrow, well, it's a little hard to explain what you're trying to do."

@illyrianbitch

an education in malice - smut - "With the sharp tongue of your notorious family, you are Azriel's most tantalizing challenge yet. It only takes one small meeting before you both realize that the line between hate and desire is dangerously thin."

@azrielbrainrot

moonlit shadows - "When tasked to find the once famed Temple of the Moon Goddess, Azriel only expected to find old, forgotten ruins if anything at all. He could have never imagined that not only would he find a temple but also someone who would change his life forever."

@pellucid-constellations

i laugh like me again, she laughs like you - angst - "Azriel would give anything to hold you one more time."

of oblivious minds - fluff - "You're positive Azriel is in love with Elain. It seems so obvious. But Cassian is laughing at you and suddenly nothing makes quite so much sense anymore."

@utterlyazriel

how long have i searched for you? an eternity my love - fluff - "azriel finds his mate in the most inopportune time and he convinces himself you haven't sought him out for good reason. he couldn't be more wrong."

@tadpolesonalgae

i can't bring myself to hate you - angst, smut (only one chapter for now at least) - this fic is my roman empire, literally obsessed with this. prepare for the pain and to kind of want to hit azriel over the head

eat you up - smut, dark!az - please check the warnings at the beginning! if you're ever in a mood for dark!az this is the perfect remedy (stockholm syndrome is a sort of epilogue? for this)

teeth and talons - smut, demon!az - "you’re accused of witchcraft and sacrificed to the shadow creatures, only to be saved by their ruler who’s suspiciously in sudden need of a bride…"

@leafsandstarlight

inadvertently yours - "As Eris Vanserra’s most trusted spy, you‘ve found yourself spending a surprising amount of time with the Night Court’s Spymaster. When your rendezvous with Azriel is discovered by High Lord Beron, the only way to protect the alliance is to pretend that you and Azriel are madly in love."

annual visit - fluff, smut - human reader, modern(?) au - "Each year on Halloween, Azriel visits the mortal lands with his friends to partake in the human debauchery that occurs. When he meets reader at a local bar, he can't take his eyes off her no matter how hard he tries."

@acourtofwhatthefuck

bluebird - fluff, angst

studious part 2 - smut

@lalacliffthorne

bat boys roommates - fluff, modern roommates au

Drabbles:

@gothicbabydollz

az spitting in your mouth - smut

@princess-tulip-writes

az pleasuring his mate with truthteller - smut

@fieldofdaisiies

azriel... - fluff, smut

azriel's hands - fluff, smut

@grandlinedreams

drabble - fluff, suggestive

[orion-archives]

Dear Americans and people outside Mexico: Please stop.

I have seen many posts of people outside Mexico saying: Congrats, Mexico! Claudia, a leftist feminist ambientalist jewish woman, is president! Take notes US!

Meanwhile, you go out in the streets in Mexico today and no one is celebrating. No one. The streets are empty, everything feels sad and hopeless.

A lot of people didn't want her. Because we know what is going to happen.

Morena (her political group) is literally in every position of power. From senators, to city governors. They have EVERY SINGLE thing in the goverment.

You know how bad things are gonna get for us here? Do you know what she has allowed? What THEY have done to our country? All the shit we have been through because of them?

No, because you don't care. You haven't cared enough to research who this woman is really and just praise her without knowing a shit.

Because you have to make everything about you, don't you?.

"I can't believe Mexico has a woman president before US!"

"OMG, US take notes!"

"The US-"

Can you stop for a second and think outside of your bubble? Do you truly know who this woman is and what she has done to Mexico? Or you are just using this to talk about you and your own country and problems?

Please. Please do your research.

She is not your precious feminist ally.

She has denied multiple times the ongoing wave of violence against women in Mexico (11 women go missing A DAY). She has sent riot police to gas feminist protests.

Did you hear what I said?

11 WOMEN GO MISSING A DAY.

EVERY DAY 11 WOMEN NEVER COME BACK, ARE KILLED, ARE RAPED, ARE TORTURED, ARE GETTING FORGOTTEN WITHOUT LEAVING A TRACE. EVERYDAY.

And she denies this. She has denied MULTIPLE TIMES that the violence against women is at an all time high.

A feminist would denied that 11 mothers/sisters/daughters/aunts/girls/women/people are going missing PER DAY?

No. Because she doesn't fucking care.

She is no ambientalist.

She was more than happy to support the Tren Maya, a project AMLO, the former president, was hooked on making since the begining.

The issue?

DEFORESTATION. MASSIVE DEFORESTATION.

10 MILLION TREES HAVE BEEN CUT DOWN.

Entire natural spaces gone for a train that isn't even working and already is having problems.

Also, how can I forget this?

27 people died, 80 injured.

The line 12 (Linea 12) of the CDMX Metro collapsed. The structure and the entire transport had (and still are) been neglected by the city administration.

Guess who was in charge of CDMX at the time of the tragedy?

Exactly, Claudia Sheinbaum. What was she doing instead of sending resources and money to fix and mantain the Metro?

But political propaganda for herself, of course!

And even after that tragedy, there have been multiple issues and accidents in the metro. A fucking coworker of a family member was trapped in a wagon alongside multiple people for HOURS due to a malfuction of the metro. They weren't allowed to get out even if they were cooking alive due to the heat of being inside a closed wagon and police ordered them TO NOT FILM what was happening to them.

She is not a saint. She is not an icon. She is not someone you should praise.

FUCKING INFORM YOURSELF BEFORE TALKING.

Mexico is not USA. Get it? We don't have the same politics and issues you have, get that?

The entire world doesn't revolve around you. We aren't your argument to use, we aren't your little meme to fuck around with.

We are people that are tired. People that didn't want this. People that are upset, dissapointed, mad, hopeless.

My blog isn't a political place, so as a final note, I want to say this:

I want to be wrong. I really, really want to be fucking wrong.

I want my country, Mexico, to be ok. To be a better place to live.

I HOPE to be wrong and that things get better. For me, for my family, for my friends, for the millions of people that stay, study, work, breathe, live and love this country.

Claudia Sheinbaum, I really want to be wrong about you. Not because I love you, but because I love Mexico.

I don't have high hopes for the future, but I really, REALLY, want things to be better.

That's all I have to say for now.

[catboybiologist]

Be honest: do you think there are femboys who aren't just eggs?

Yes, and tbh I resent that their existence is questioned so much. And I know this is gonna be considered a Bad Take by many people I've fostered a community with, so uh. Yeah.

As a former femboy, and current dykey/tomboyish trans woman, gender nonconformity within your actual gender is an essential part of a trans or genderqueer identity. In a lot of ways, my transition goals are the inverse of being a femboy- I'm going from a feminine man to a masculine woman. And yet, the trans community doesn't question my feminimity as a masculine woman in the same places where many people would question the masculinity of a feminine man. And don't even get me started on where NB identities fit into all of this. This is largely coming from the same place where people are okay with women wearing pants, but men or AMABs in general wearing skirts is Bad (tm).

Like don't get me wrong. The caricature of the Bad Trans pushing all the femboys to become eggs is a wildly overexaggerated, and I've met many, many femboys online that used that caricature to excuse rampant transphobia. But. I hate that there's a but. But.... I literally experienced it myself many times during my femboy days, especially online. Here's a short list:

-Had a transmed bombard me with harassing messages and comments on reddit telling me that I was a "fencesitter" and I just needed to "fucking transition already and stop making trans people look bad"

-Had a trans woman I knew irl shove an estradiol pill in my face, and try to order me to take it, in front of a group of people I wasn't even fully comfortable presenting as a femboy to, until she was eventually asked by someone else to stop.

-Had several comments indicating that I should be force femmed in femboy subreddits

-Had many, many DMs trying to tell me I was a "failed man" that should just transition already

And to clarify- all of this is so, so mild compared to transphobia that myself and others face. But it is a very real thing that happens. To many femboys, I think this is the first time they've received any kind of queerphobia or questioning of their identity, so it feels far worse in their heads than it really actually is. And, to be fair, I think it mostly happens from the more gender binary minded cis community than it comes from trans people- but as I've said, I've had it coming from trans women both irl and online.

I've also tangentially noticed that it seems to be transmed adjacent. Not saying that this anon is, or others who try to encourage femboys to explore their gender, but there certainly is a correlation. If its difficult for you to acknowledge cis gender nonconformity, then its easy to see that extending to a lack of understanding of nonbinary people or others with different trans experiences.

Every time one of these things happened, it didn't put me any closer to transition. It made me feel unsafe. It made me feel on the spot, and scared, and almost outed.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again- if you want historical parallels to femboys, we have a perfect example in drag. Drag is performative, over the top femininity that has become its own artform, style, and means of expression in a way that is intrinsically tied to gender nonconformity. Being a femboy is also all of those things. And guess what? Many drag queens have used it as a way to explore their own gender and realize that they're trans. There are also many who are cis, and remain confident in that identity. Is the percentage of trans people among people who have done drag at some point higher than the general population? Of fucking course- its one of the few places where exploring gender is encouraged and celebrated. Of course trans people flock to that. And the exact same thing is true of femboys. Are a higher proportion of femboys trans or eggs than the general population. Of course. It's a great venue for trans people to explore their identities. But even more of them are

Am I saying you're a bad person if you encourage femboys and gender nonconforming people to consider the possibility that they're trans? Of fucking course not. It was the gentle, affirming pressure with respect and care for my comfort levels from several incredible trans women I know irl that eventually made me confident enough to start HRT. Their continually support is a key factor in my social transition plans for the future. I needed that pressure, and I think everyone, including people who aren't actively engaging in gender nonconformity, needs some push to question their gender and start unlocking cis+. But to be blunt, questioning whether cis femboys even exist is not gentle, comfortable, and affirming pushes.

[babymetaldoll]

Are you mine? - Chapter nine: "Entropy"

Summary:  Diana's health hasn't been well, and Spencer is forced to spend some time away from his pregnant wife and daughter. The day has come for Spencer and his wife to meet their nemesis: Cat Adams. Word count: 15.345 words  Warnings: smut, angst, Spencer is in danger, spoilers of Criminal Minds "Entropy"  A/N: I loved writing this chapter more than I can actually explain. I really need feed back 'cos I want to know what you think. 

Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

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Spencer's point of view

There was a case that changed everything for me and my family while working at the BAU. And it all started with a network of hitmen targeting our dearest Penelope Garcia. We had been blind for months, no one ever noticed what was happening under our eyes. It hadn't been a good couple of weeks for us, because my mom hadn't been doing so well with her medicine and her doctors had changed it three times already. I wanted to visit her, but with (Y/N) already four months into her second pregnancy, and still having very bad days, plus the team down one agent, time wasn't on our side.

When did we notice something potentially awful was about to happen? It started the day JJ came back from her maternity leave.

Penelope had organized a little welcome-back party for JJ. She decorated her desk with all the pictures Jennifer had sent us during her absence. Rossi brought a box of Cuban cigars, and (Y/N) and I got little Michael a new brand set of encyclopedias.

- "And I realize that most of this information is most likely on that "internet," but you can never teach old-fashioned research habits too soon."- I pointed out as JJ stared at me and nodded.

- "I tried to stop him, but he was too excited."- (Y/N) joked and everybody chuckled.

- "You are radian, (Y/N)! How many weeks?"- JJ hugged my wife and stared at her with a massive smile

- "Sixteen and counting."

- "How's the little guy doing?"- Rossi asked Jennifer, making her smile filled with pride right away.

- "Oh, he's good. He's sleeping through the night for now, at least. Oh, and, Spence, I showed him the picture of when you first visited and he started kicking his little legs and he smiled real big!"- JJ looked excited as she kept talking to me, and Rossi grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks.

- "Who wouldn't get excited seeing that bella faccia?"

- "I think he wants to see you. You should visit us this weekend. With Raven, of course."

- "We would love to go."- (Y/N) replied and held my hand very tight.

- "You know, studies have shown that babies begin exhibiting cognizable nonverbal communication within days of birth."- I was about to add something else when JJ shook her head and looked at Pen.

- "And some things never change."- so I guessed she preferred that I stopped rambling, she always complained when I did.

- "Yeah. And some things do, and because of that, we took the liberty of doing... this"- Garcia walked JJ to her desk and showed her all the framed pictures she had set there.

- "You guys, I love it. It's... it's perfect. Thank you, all of you."- JJ paused for a second and looked over Hotch's office. He and Morgan were having a serious conversation locked in there. - "Almost all of you."

- "They're debriefing."- Rossi explained and grabbed one of the citron bottles Garcia had brought.- "But we can toast in the meantime."

And so we did. We toasted and drank for JJ and her kids. In the back of my head, I kept thinking that now that she was back, I could take a few days to visit my mom and put an eye on her, maybe talk with some other doctors to review her treatment.

Our celebration ended when Rossi's daughter, Joy, entered the FBI with a case. It started like an investigation she was writing for Esquire, and she ended up discovering a pattern of young women's abductions from colleges from all over the country.

Morgan and I drove to campus and talked with one of the victim's friends, who had seen the last one to see her, 'cos they had been to a party together. That helped us retrace her last movements. Then, me and JJ were sent to the street to try to find a clue as to where that poor girl had been abducted, or by who. We had a suspect on camera, but no name, no nothing.

My phone rang when JJ and I were walking through a lonely alley. It was from my mother's doctor's office. I hung up and texted that I was calling back later. And of course, that didn't go unnoticed by JJ.

- "Everything ok?"

- "Actually, no. My mom's not doing so well. The doctors have had to change her medicine three times to try to stabilize the schizophrenia."- I simply said it 'cos I didn't want to talk much about it. I knew she wasn't going to let that go if I didn't tell her what was going on.

- "Spence, why didn't you say anything?"

- "Well, (Y/N) and I have been talking about going to see her, but I don't want her to travel in her condition. And we've been so busy at work and with Raven..."

- "But why didn't you tell me? You know you can trust me. I'm your friend."

- "I didn't want to bother you."- which was true: I didn't want to tell her 'cos she was on maternity leave until that morning, besides, it was a delicate issue and I just wanted to talk about it with my wife.

- "Ok."- she held my arm and stood in front of me. - "That's never possible. Got it?"- I nodded and looked at her, trying to smile.- "How long has this been going on?"

- "It's gotten really bad in the last few weeks."

- "Look, the minute we are done here, you need to go help her. She needs you."

- "I know. (Y/N) and I already talked with Hotch this morning. As soon as the case is done, I'll fly to Vegas."- JJ nodded and smiled, but it felt forced somehow.- "But right now, we need to focus on the case, alright ?"

It's not that I didn't value JJ's friendship, but I didn't feel like opening up with her at that moment. We had to work, and me and my wife had already talked about what we had to do, and how to do it. We had our plan. I just needed to execute it.

Sometimes I still felt JJ treated me like a kid, like the first few years I worked with the FBI. She no longer tried to make me eat greens or comment on my outfits, but from time to time she had those moments where she'd treat me like a kid brother who needed a grown-up's guidance. And honestly, I hated it. We were friends, we supported each other, but I didn't need her to patronize me.

That was one of the main reasons why I had taken a step aside in my friendship with JJ. I wasn't mad at her or anything and I still loved working with her. But since she had baby Michael, we weren't spending as much time with her and Will as we used to. They didn't have as much time as they used to either, they had two kids. And back then we were spending a lot of our free time with Morgan and Savannah and with Lu and her boyfriend.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I knew Spencer didn't want to leave us alone, but he had to visit his mom. She needed him, and we had a big net of support. I could handle a few days on my own with Raven. Even four months pregnant. So, as soon as the case was done, he got into a plane to visit Diana.

Raven and I planned our whole week to the T. We had sleepovers every night on our bed, watched movies, read stories together to her sister or brother, and played with her dolls. Mikey, Lu, and Frank visited us, and they called us daily to know if we needed anything. And Spencer video called us every single night, right before Raven's bedtime. He would ask about our day, and what she had done, if she had fun at school (she was already in preschool, and she loved everything about it). He would also read her a short story to help her sleep and then talk to me for a while.

Diana was not getting better. In fact, things got worse when Spencer was in Las Vegas, which is why one week turned into two and soon into three.

- "I'm so sorry, chipmunk."- my husband whispered through the line. It was late at night, Raven was already asleep and sound in our bed, and I was having one last cup of tea on the phone with Spencer.

- "It's ok, honey bunny. We miss you like crazy, but we are fine. It's your mom I'm worried about."

- "Well, things are not looking so good here. I got the results of the test today."- my heart stopped with those words, and I could feel the pain in Spencer's words as he confessed the truth. - "She has an early onset of dementia. Most likely Alzheimer."

- "Honey..."- everything and anything I could have told him that minute was completely useless. I heard him sobbing at the other side of the line as tears fell from my eyes.

- "And I can't help her, no matter what I do. I can't."- he mumbled through the line. My arms hurt 'cos I couldn't hug him, and I didn't want my husband, the love of my life, crying alone in some hotel, when he had a wife who could comfort him.

- "I'm so sorry. So sorry, Spencer."

- "The worst part of it all is thinking this can all happen to me as well. I could carry the same gene. I might start forgetting all our memories. One day I could not recognize our own kids."

- "Spencer, don't."- I tried to stop that train of thought, but it was clearly too late for that, my husband's mind had gone to the darkest places.

- "And there's nothing I can do about it either, I mean, there is no cure for dementia. Some medication might delay it a few years at best, but I'm doomed."

- "Spencer, stop. Don't think that. You don't know what's gonna happen. You can't think that right now. You need to focus on your mom. You have to help her. There is still time to help her."

Spencer sighed and wiped his nose. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, he just tried to calm himself down as I whispered how much I loved him, and how proud I was of him.

- "You are an amazing son, honey. You do everything you can to make sure your mother is healthy and fine."- I knew I was telling him the truth, but I also knew nothing I could say to him would ever help him feel better.

- "It's not enough."- he whispers and breaks into tears again.

- "No hon, you will always keep trying to do better, 'cos it's your mom we are talking about. But you can't do miracles."

I will never forget the day he told me he felt he had failed in life as a genius because his plan to find the cure to schizophrenia before turning 25 never came true. We were just friends back then, and I remember I hugged him tight on my couch and heard him weep. The effect of hearing him sobbing on the other side of the country was just as heartbreaking then as it was before. I loved Spencer so much I couldn't stand him being sad or in pain. I much rather suffer myself than know he was unhappy.

- "I'm sorry, ma cherie. I'm bringing you down."

- "Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."- I quoted Charlotte Bronte and I could almost see his smile as I did.

- "You've been reading a lot in my absence?"

- "I try, but reading alone it's not as fun as reading with you."

- "I'll come home soon, ma cherie."

- "Come home when your mom is feeling better. We'll be here, waiting for you with your favorite dinner and a million hugs and kisses."

- "How is the baby?"

- "Kicking my bladder is their favorite game apparently."- Spencer didn't say anything, he made a long pause and finally sighed.

- "I'll come home this week. I can't be far from my family for too long."

- "Why don't you bring your mother with you? She is part of this family."

- "No chipmunk, she has to stay here with the doctors. They have to take care of her, monitor her, and analyze the meds they are giving her."- Spencer didn't hesitate to decline my suggestion.

- "Promise me you will take her home with us if it's needed. She can stay with us, Raven loves her."- my husband paused and sighed one more time, before telling me the complete truth.

- "My mother hasn't been much herself in the last couple of days. And I'm afraid to bring her home to you and Raven."- I knew Diana had been violent but I never understood how much. For years I inferred she had never been aggressive with Spencer during her episodes when he was young, but when my husband hesitated to bring her around our own daughter, that's when I realized she was in fact, out of herself.

- "Just don't leave her alone if she still needs you."- I whispered and rubbed my belly. - "We miss you, but we know you're doing the right thing."

- "Thank you, chipmunk. Mom asked about you today."

- "Did she? Really?"- I got super excited with the news and even a little emotional, and I blame the hormones for my reaction.

- "Yes, she said of all the things I had accomplished in life, having you as my wife was the best of them."

- "Diana is such a wise woman."

- "That's true, my love."

Four days later, Spencer was back home. During that time, I spent most of my time at the BAU with Penelope and Raven. Our dear friend was currently living there, and of course, she was miserable. A band of hitmen was after her, there was no way she was enjoying her forced stay at Quantico. Which is why Raven and I spent as much time with her as possible. We baked her cupcakes and had a tea party with her in her room, which was actually an old office. Hotch joined us, which was adorable because he was always a sweetheart with Raven. He even wore the tiara Raven gave him.

- "How is my boy wonder?"- Pen asked as she poured a cup of real tea for me. I cut her a short smile and I guess that was enough for her, 'cos she read me right away. - "That bad, eh?"

- "I'm glad he is on his way back home. I've missed him so much."- I whispered and looked at Raven, having a tea party with Hotch. - "And birdie misses him as well."

- "She looks so much like him. She's a tiny carbon copy of her dad."- I chuckled and nodded. I've always said little Raven is exactly like her dad in every single way.

- "Same eyes and wild hair."- I added and Pen smiled.- "I wonder if the next baby will look a little like me."

- "When will you know what you are having?"

- "We have a scheduled check-up next week. I wanna ask the doctor then."

After another half hour, I drove home. We let Garcia get ready for dinner, and I wanted to cook something nice for my husband. His flight was scheduled to arrive at DC at seven, which meant he'd be home after right. Raven and I stopped to get groceries and cooked dinner for Spencer.

Our daughter was incredibly excited to wait up for her dad, after her bedtime. She refused to go to bed until she kissed him welcome back home. My heart melted when I heard her rambling nonstop about all the things she wanted to show her dad. She listed all her dolls, her books, and the drawings she had made during his absence. Raven was honestly hyped waiting for Spencer, which is why when we heard the key in the door, she ran to welcome her dad as fast as her little legs allowed her to run.

- "Daddy!!!"- she yelled and literally threw her arms around him as soon as she saw him. Spencer kneeled and hugged her tight, carrying her in his arms and kissing her chubby cheeks over and over again.

- "I missed you so much, baby girl."

- "I missed you too, Daddy!"- I stared at them with tears in my eyes as my husband looked at me with a big smile.

- "Come here, chipmunk."- he opened his arms and hugged me too, kissing my temple and making me feel at home, finally safe in his arms.

- "Just as promised, we are waiting for you with your favorite dinner."- I announced after kissing his lips softly, hearing Raven arguing we were gross.

- "Chicken tandoori?"

- "Homemade chicken tandoori."- I corrected and watched his smile grow bigger.

- "I missed you so much, ma cherie."

- "I missed you too, honey bunny. Welcome back home."

Spencer's point of view

It took three bedtime stories to put Raven down to sleep. She kept telling me everything she had done during my absence. She remembered everything, down to the t. (Y/N) and I looked at each other, knowing where that could go. We had our suspicions, but we didn't want to run any tests on our daughter just yet. She was only three years old, and she deserved to enjoy her childhood like any other kid would. Like I never did.

After three stories and a long conversation, Raven finally fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and stood up from her bed slowly. (Y/N) held my hand as we walked out of her room and into ours.

- "I can't believe you are finally...-"- she couldn't even finish talking after shutting our bedroom door, because I assaulted her lips. I crushed them with mine and kissed her like I had dreamed of kissing her the entire time I had been away. I don't think I had been far from her for so long before, and I swear, I didn't want to repeat it ever again.

- "Mine."- I whispered as my lips moved from her lips to her neck, biting and sucking to leave a mark. (Y/N) giggled as I did, and then moaned, a sound I could never ever get tired of.

I felt her hands unbuttoning my shirt as we continued kissing. I couldn't take my hands off my wife, and I quickly started getting her naked as well. I stared at her soft skin as I nearly ripped the t-shirt she wore that day, and quickly connected my lips to her skin one more time.

- "I missed you so much."- she whispered as she tangled her fingers in my hair.

- "Trust me, I missed you more."- I groaned and unzipped her pants quickly.

- "Sorry the belly got so big while you were gone..."- I don't know why she felt like she needed to apologize for looking so perfectly mine. My hands moved immediately on her skin. I looked at her eyes as I kneeled in front of her, attaching my lips to her belly.

- "You look perfect, ma cherie."

- "I look round and huge."

- "Mine, all mine, carrying my baby for the world to see."- I made my way down her belly until I reached her underwear, and slipped my fingers underneath the fabric.

- "Spe...-" she mumbled but suppressed any sound biting her lips. She knew we had a little daughter in the next room, and she couldn't make a sound.

- "I got you, ma cherie. Let me make you feel good."- she sat on our bed and I followed her, still down on my knees, and hid my face between her tights, a place I could live in. I kissed her inner thighs and made my way to her underwear, which was just starting to look damp.

- "When you said you were gonna wait for me with my favorite dinner, this was what I had in mind."- I whispered and heard her giggle as I pulled down her underwear slowly and attached my lips to her immediately.

- "God... I missed you."- she whispered and gasped as my tongue reached her most sensitive spot. And I didn't reply, just hummed against her and continued eating her like the starved man I was.

I didn't move from between her legs until I felt her cumming all over my face. And once that happened, I climbed to our bed and kissed her.

- "That was..."- but before my wife could praise me, I moved behind her and kissed her neck as I slowly slipped into her, not saying a single word. (Y/N) made the most beautiful muffled noises as she tried not to be too loud, and I entered her carefully, enjoying every single movement.

- "I thought about you every night I was away. And I realized I can't sleep if you are not with me. I couldn't take you off my mind, not even for a minute."- I increased my peace and bit my lips before I started groaning.

- "I thought I was gonna go crazy without you."- I heard my wife whisper, and my lips attached to her neck immediately. One of my hands was still holding her leg, and the other moved underneath her body, trying to touch as much skin as possible. I craved her warm skin all over me.

- "You have a hold on me no one could ever take away."- I murmured in her ear as the noises of our bodies together filled out you.- "I am yours, ma cherie ."- I added and felt her moan, biting her lips.

- "Mine."- she mumbled as I licked her neck after leaving another mark.

- "All yours. Forever."

I treasured that moment because I had had a very hard couple of weeks away from my family. And I had missed my wife beyond sanity. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to live as soon as I set foot back into the BAU. But it was the case that set the clock for our departure from the FBI.

The following morning, when me and my wife sat around the table in the briefing room, Hotch told us they finally had a lead on the band of hitmen that were after Garcia.

- "Brian Cochran from the NSA. I've placed him on 24/7 lockdown at USP Terre Haute. The network has proven that they can kill anyone, anywhere, anytime, and now that they've targeted Garcia, we can't afford to lose another lead."- Hotch explained, and made a short pause before adding. - "Cochran used one of the hitmen to target DEA supervisor Graff."

- "But we can press him on that to get him to cooperate."- Morgan quickly commented, probably ready to go push that man until giving us all the info he had. But Hotch shook his head and explained.

- "Well, fortunately, that won't be necessary. He had a breakdown in solitary confinement and he was already willing to make a deal."

- "We need to go talk to him."- Rossi suggested, but once again, Hotch shook his head.

- "Garcia and I already did."

- "When?"- my wife asked surprised

- "Last night, after you left."- Pen explained- "We video-conferenced with him. He was limited in what he could tell us about the hit people. He didn't know their names, but he did know all of their areas of expertise."

- "How specific do they get? Most successful hitmen are basically just Swiss army knives of murder."- I asked and my wife chuckled at my analogy.

- "Well, take the O.G. hit guy who got us into this mess, Giuseppe Montolo. Remember him?"- Garcia started explaining.- "He was a genius at making hits look like an accident. The others, depend on what you're looking for. Take the guy that's still out there who's responsible for shooting poor Mr. Graff. He's known simply as the sniper. He can make a T-zone shot from over 2,000 meters."

- "Which means he's ex-military. Not necessarily ours, but he's definitely trained."- Morgan pointed out and we all nodded.

- "So who's number two?"- Tara asked and Garcia quickly answered.

- "That would be the chemist. He works with poison. He specializes in hits that don't leave a trace.

- "He sounds delightful."- Rossi said, staring at the screen.

- "I know, right? I feel they'd be a hit at any party."- (Y/N) added, nodding.- "What about number 3?"

- "Well, that would be the bomber. According to Cochran, he's responsible for this. It's a chemical fire in Tianjin, China."

- "What supposedly happened there?"- (Y/N) asked, watching the scenes on the screen.

- "Apparently a bureaucrat didn't pay his bribe on time."- Garcia whispered, refusing to look at the images.

- "You know that's conspiracy theory garbage."- JJ pointed out, and Hotch immediately replied.

- "But what is credible is Cochran's insistence that he was trained by Mossad. Jack Garrett's following up on leads."

- "That leaves us with number 4, the one with the highest body count of them all."

- "And who's that?"- until this day I regret asking that question.

- "Miss 45."- Pen answered. - "By far one of the most lethal of them all. She is basically a black widow."

- "Just what every bunch needs, some girl power."- (Y/N) added and turned to me with a short smile. I rubbed her stomach as we all heard Rossi's question.

- "How do we get them?"

- "That's why we need the snowman."- the way Garcia said those words made me feel we should have known what she was talking about. But none of us actually did.

- "Great. So who's this Snowman jagoff?"- Rossi asked, frowning.

- "Cochran says he's the I.T. expert. He's the key to the whole network."- Hotch explained.

- "But if he set it up, he's not just gonna tear it down because we ask nicely."- Morgan added. And that was when Hotch dropped the plot twist.

- "He will because he was kidnapped by one of the hitmen and held against his will in a safe house."

- "I wonder how that feels."- Pen whispered and my wife quickly reached for her hand on the table. I knew (Y/N) had spent a lot of time with Garcia while I was gone, not only because she was home alone, but because she knew our friend was clearly going through a very rough path and she needed all the love she could get from her friends.

- "Even if they have him under duress, he's still gonna be impossible to find." - JJ suggested, not being very positive about the whole deal.

- "We will find him with this."- Hotch took what seemed to be a pen from his pocket, but instead, it was a flash drive. None of us said a word 'cos none of us understood what he was talking about. So he explained.

- "This flash drive will give us access to a specific shadow of the Darknet. It came to our possession after we arrested Cochran, and we will use it to localize the safe house."

And so we did.

The following day, we had successfully rescued the snowman, whose name was in fact Barry Winslow, and who ended up being nothing but a poor teenager, lost and forced to work for a hit men's net. We sat around the table with him and tried to get as much information as possible.

- "I can't tell you much about them. It's not like we had a lot of heart-to-heart conversations while they handcuffed me to a computer."- Barry shrugged and looked at us, already defeated, but still willing to cooperate.

- "Do you know any of their names?"- (Y/N) asked him with a warm smile, probably trying to reassure him whatever the answer was, it was ok.

- "No. But I know their bank accounts."

- "How long do you think we have before the other two realize the network's been compromised?"- I asked him-

- "Two days, maybe. They like being independent contractors, so they always work jobs separately. And they rely on me to coordinate all their online traffic."

- "Which I can help fake."- Garcia added and looked at the poor kid.

- "Yeah. We have the facade covered on our end, but they also have back-channel communications that I can't account for. Especially the bomber."- the snowman explained, and Rossi frowned at his words right away.

- "Why him?"

- "I don't know. All I know is when they would rotate watching over me, he never showed."

- "I know why."- JJ added- "He's paranoid. Most explosive experts are. Blow everything up, you live in fear that you're next."

- "We need to find a way to get to the hitwoman."- (Y/N) stated and looked at the team. - "It's the only way to end this whole mess. If we can take her alive, she'll lead us to the bomber."

- "And to do it, we have to give her a target worth coming out of hiding for."- Hotch said, letting us know he had a plan to get her.

- "That means me, doesn't it?"- Garcia whispered and Morgan immediately shook his head.

- "No."- Hotch didn't even hesitate. He just answered right away, not moving a muscle.

- "Sir..."

- "Garcia, that's not gonna happen."- Morgan interrupted her.- "It's too dangerous to leave you out there exposed like that."

- "You have a record of all the kills she was paid for?"- Aaron asked the snowman.

- "I have records of everything."

- "All right. Even a contract killer can have a victimology, a pattern of which she's not aware. We need to find that."

(Y/N)'s point of view

Hotch asked JJ, Spencer, and I to his office that afternoon. Pen had gone through all the targets "Miss 45" had gone after, Spencer and Hotch went through the information, and now they had a plan. A plan I was sure I was gonna hate, only by the worried look in their eyes.

- "These three hits"- Spencer left the files on Aaron's desk and continued talking - "They were all men who wanted to kill their wives."

- "Ok, really can't blame her for doing that."- I mumbled as I took a look at the files, along with Hotch.

- "That's the oldest motivation in the book. Why are they special?"- JJ asked and Spencer explained immediately.

- "She took their money, then killed the men who hired her."

- "All three of them had children."- Hotch pointed out

- "Maybe children are the line hitmen won't cross?"

- "A hitwoman with morals? Seems unlikely."- I refuted JJ's theory as my husband nodded.

- "The chemist and the sniper both performed jobs that involved families. Theoretically, if the price is high enough, a hitman shouldn't have morals. I think these kills are personal to her. Personal enough to risk double-crossing her contract."

- "She is trying to kill someone who hurt her, over and over again."- I added and my husband agreed with me.

- "Maybe something similar happened to her."- Hotch looked at my husband, like knowing what he was about to say. Which he probably knew, in fact.

- "And that's how we get her to come to the table. I pretend to be that kind of client."- Spencer turned to me with an apologetic look in his eyes and JJ didn't even make a sound.

- "What? No! No way!"- I lost it in a second. I was not gonna let my husband be human bate for a serial killer. Not again!

- "Chipmunk, it's the only way we can end this. We have to do it. For Garcia, she needs us."

- "But why you? Why not Morgan?"

- "I'm closer in age, if things don't work, you know she could be more likely to collaborate with a peer."- I stared at Spencer in silence, trying to rearrange the thoughts in my head.

- "How do we know that's gonna work?"- Hotch asked and I opened my eyes. He was in fact considering letting Spencer do that.

- "We don't. It's a calculated risk based on her M.O., which is categorically different than the men."- my husband explained and avoided eye contact with me. He was serious about his suggestions. And I was seriously mad at him for even considering doing something so dangerous.

- "They're cold, clinical, long-distance. She's up close and personal."- JJ added.

- "She knows that she has to be more careful because she actually wants to kill her targets. I'm going to pretend to be a husband who wants his pregnant wife dead."

- "Your pregnant wife wants to kill you right now."- I crossed my arms on my chest, deadpan. - "I can't believe you wanna risk yourself like that!"

- "There will be no risk, chipmunk. I'll just contact her, and set the right meeting spot. A bar or a restaurant we control, so the odds are better of us taking her alive."

- "No."- I replied and bit my lips.

- "Chipmunk, it's our best strategy."

- "But there is one flaw."- Hotch looked at me and at my husband.

- "One? Just one?"- I nearly yelled and opened my eyes, frustrated.

- "We can't let your wife and kid be in danger."- Hotch finished his sentence ignoring my outburst and for once, I wanted to hit him.

- "I am not moving into Penelope's room!"- I argued right away.- "And you are not doing this!"- I added, staring at my husband.

- "Can we talk outside for a moment?"- Spencer walked me to the door and headed to the briefing room in silence. I followed him quietly, holding my 24 weeks belly in a useless attempt to regain my composure. But as soon as Spencer closed the door behind our backs, I lost it and raised my voice.

- "Are you out of your mind?!"

- "Chipmunk...."

- "Why do you always do the same? You put yourself at risk! Do you wanna get hurt? Do you wanna leave me alone?"

- "Ma cherie... No."- he stood in front of me and held both my arms, trying to calm me down.- "Please breathe and hear me out. Nothing is going to happen to me."

- "Of course not! Because you are not going!"- I stated and Spencer sighed, looking right into my eyes. I had to bite my lips not to burst out crying out of frustration right there, but my eyes watered up and betrayed me as tears rolled down my cheeks.

- "(Y/N)..."

- "No, I don't want you to expose yourself like this!"

- "It's the only way to help Garcia, and it's a calculated risk. I know nothing will happen, the team will be there watching my back the entire time."

- "She is a serial killer! And you wanna meet her for dinner!"

- "Look at me, chipmunk."- Spencer moved one of his hands from my arm to my cheek and caressed my skin softly as his other hand rested on my tummy. - "I am not gonna get hurt and nothing bad will happen, I swear."

I took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from falling. Spencer kissed my cheek and didn't say another word for a moment, just trying to comfort me with his presence.

- "I'm scared."- I whispered and Spencer shook his head.- "I know you say there is nothing to worry about, but I am worried all the time. I don't want you to get hurt."

- "I won't, I swear."- I knew that once he was set on doing something, there was no way I could change his mind. - "We have to help Garcia. And I already ran across all the possibilities. This is the plan with the higher statistics to work."

- "Does it have to be you?"- I whispered, my voice barely perceptible. Spencer kissed my lips for a second, rubbing his against mine soft and sweetly, melting me. And when he parted, he nodded.

- "But I'll be home that night, safe and sound, and we'll have a warm bath, maybe a late bite, and Garcia will be free to live her life and go back to her house."

Of course, I wanted to help Penelope. I was just afraid of what could happen to my husband. But I knew there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind.

- "Just don't get hurt, ok?"- I mumbled and Spencer held my chin, raising my face and reaching my lips one more time.

- "As you wish, Mrs. Reid."

Spencer's point of view

Date night with a serial killer was not what I was hoping for that Friday evening. But it was what I had to face. As I got ready to leave, my wife, Garcia, and I did all the research we could on my lethal date. Starting with her name.

- "Foster care records locked, loaded, and searchable."- Penelope announced as she sat in front of the computer on my desk, ready to hunt Miss 45 down.

- "According to the emails she sent me setting up tonight, her name is Cat. So let's assume her name is Catherine."- I said as I tied my tie like my father-in-law taught me to do the day of my wedding.

- "Give me more."- Pen said typing

- "Suspicious death for mom, and her dad most likely went away for manslaughter."- I continued enumerating as my wife stared at me from her desk, where she was sitting in silence.

- "Keep it coming."- Garcia commanded.

- "Rampant abuse. She would have been in a world of pain."

- "Sadly that does not rule out any Catherines."

- "Her first kills were most likely in the foster environment."- (Y/N) suggested and I nodded immediately.

- "Cross-reference all those families the Catherines went into with accidental deaths of foster dads, and focus on those that have multiple abuse complaints leveled against them."

The computer dinged and a picture appeared on the screen. The three of us stared at it in silence for a moment

- "Catherine Adams."- I said and turned to my wife.

- "She is cute."- I heard (Y/N) whisper and I immediately frowned.

- "What?"- her words confused me. I knew she didn't want me to expose myself to any risk, but I never imagined she could be jealous at any level.

- "I said she is pretty."- she whispered and moved to her desk to grab something that ended up being my bottle of perfume. She sprayed me with it and fixed the neck of my shirt.

- "Ma cherie..."

- "You look very handsome."

- "You do know this is not a real date, right?"- somehow it felt necessary to point that out all of a sudden. - "I am not going out with her because I want to."

- "I know."- she replied and looked away from me.

- "Come here."- I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her nose. All the things I wasn't supposed to do at the bullpen. - "You are the only girl I wanna take out on date night, ok?"

- "I know."- she mumbled and looked down at her hands as she fixed my tie.

- "I'll pick you up in a while, ok?"

- "No, I'm coming with you."- she replied immediately.

- "No, you are staying here. This is not up for debate. I am not taking my pregnant wife to the same room with a serial killer."

- "I don't know if you knew this, but that's what we do for a living, Spencer. I am going."

- "I will not be able to focus if I know you are there. You'll be a distraction."- the deadpan stare in my wife's eyes was serious, but I was not gonna change my mind. Thankfully, Hotch walked over and commanded her to stay behind with him and Penelope, following every movement from the restaurant cameras.

- "Adam changed location at the last minute. We can't be too cautious, Reid."- and by Reid, Hotch meant my wife, who was looking incredibly frustrated and annoyed.

- "I'll be back as soon as possible."- I said and kissed her cheek. She sighed and nodded.- "I love you, ma cherie."

- "I love you too, honey bunny."

- "I'll make breakfast for you and Birdie tomorrow morning, so think what you'll have. You can pick hotcakes or waffles."- I said, trying to ease the mood, and (Y/N) cut me a short smile, nodding.

- "Don't forget the rose."- my wife whispered and handed me the flower.

- "Thank you, ma cherie."

That night could only get worse, I could feel it.

I arrived at the restaurant and the hostess walked me to my table. I had made reservations for two under the name of "Spencer." As soon as I sat down, I left the rose next to me on the table and looked around, trying to calm myself down. Looking nervous was ok, I was supposed to be a little nervous if I was meeting a serial killer to get rid of my pregnant wife. Just, how nervous was I supposed to look?

- "Spencer?"- a woman's voice called my name and I quickly turned around to find Cat Adam standing right next to me, with a big smile on her face.

- "Cat."

- "Hi."- her smile only grew as she stared at me. I quickly stood up to shake her hand and chuckled nervously.

- "Hello. Hi. Hi."

- "Nice to finally..."- she opened her arms and tried to hug me and I immediately took a few steps back.

- "Oh...sorry, I have a... a germ thing."- I explained, sounding as apologetic as possible.

- "Oh!"- she moved back and raised her hands in surrender.

- "I'm kind of weird with hu... hugs."- I even stuttered.

- "Sorry."- neither of us said a thing for a few seconds, we just stared at each other, maybe reading each other's body language. I smiled at her, honestly nervous. I've never been much of an actor and right there I was playing the role of my life.

- "Can I sit down?"- Cat asked and giggled as I chuckled and pointed at the armchair next to her

- "Yes, please. Yeah. Of course. Sit down."- and as we both did, and she took off her jacket, we fell into another uncomfortable silence. Which was good, I wanted to show her how nervous and vulnerable I was.

- "First time doing this?"- she asked me a few seconds later, and I rushed to answer.

- "Yeah. I mean, yeah."

- "Yeah, I... I still get nervous, too."- she assured me, trying to be empathic. Note: sociopaths have zero empathy whatsoever. There were no chances she could ever honestly try to make me feel any better.

- "Really, it wasn't until an hour ago that I was like, wait, we've been trading emails back and forth, but I still have no idea what this guy looks like."

- "Hence the..."- I interrupted her speech, pointing at the rose next to her.

- "I know. And then I was like, wait, he's going to bring a red rose, so we need to go to a nicer place, which is why I switched the restaurant last-minute..."- she continued rambling.

- "Not a problem at all."- I assured her, trying to look a little more calm. But honestly, I was very nervous. I know I had to act awkward and nervous, but that's how I felt. That woman sat across from me was a threat to a friend and potentially my family. She had to be put behind bars as soon as possible.

- "And now I need to change and put something nice on for this place, 'cause I was totally underdressed, and my whole wardrobe makes me look like a Kardashian."- I narrowed my eyes as I looked at her and she paused her words.- "You know know who that is, do you?"

- "No, oh, yeah, Robert Kardashian. He got O.J. Simpson off."- I explained quickly. - "You...you don't look like his daughters."

- "Yeah, no, I was making a joke about them."

- "No, it was good. It was a good joke."- I chuckled and smiled, trying to look natural.

- "No, it wasn't.

- "It was funny.

There was a long pause. No one said a thing, and I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong that night. If she knew who I was if she didn't want to willingly, if she had a partner in the room as I had my own backups. All the possibilities. There was too much at stake to take things lightly.

- "Can we start over?"- Cat asked me, breaking the silence and cutting me a warm smile- "Hi, I'm Cat."

- "Hi, hi, I'm... I'm Spencer."- I chuckled, still looking awkward and nervous, and she nodded.

- "It really is nice to meet you, in person, finally."- she said those words in a sweeter tone of voice, trying to look nonthreatening and honest.

- "It's nice to meet you."- I assured her right away.

- "Tell me a little bit about yourself. Do you really have three Ph. D.s?"

- "Yes. I... yeah, I do, I have three Ph.D.s."

- "What was your favorite book that you read last year?"- Cat continued asking random questions and I instantly replied.

- "Honestly, I've never read a book I didn't love."

- "Tell me about your wife."- and somehow that caught me by surprise. I knew that was what we were going to talk about, but my mind went straight to my real wife. The one that was in fact pregnant with my baby. The one I could never harm.

- "If you don't mind, I'd, uh, I'd rather not talk about her."

- "Might as well get it out in the open, right? That's why we're here. How long have you been married?"

- "Six years."- which was true.

- "When is she due to give birth?"

- "Uh... in a couple of... a couple of months."- and for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking we hadn't actually started working on the nursery yet. My old apartment was getting too small for our growing family.

- "Should we talk about price now, or..."- I leaned in and whispered, making sure it felt like we were talking about a secret.

- "Slow down, tiger. What exactly are we negotiating here?"

- "You know."- I looked around, pretending to be worried someone could hear us.

- "I want to hear you say it."- she answered, almost as a dare. So I moved a little closer and whispered.

- "To have her killed."- and for some reason, my words excited her. She tried not to smile and bite her lower lip as she kept staring at me, probably reading my reaction.

- "Let me see your ring."- she asked me and I looked down at my hand, where the golden band rested. She moved slowly and grabbed my fingers on the table and fidgeted with the ring, staring at it. - "You know what that is? A noose. Only it doesn't kill you all at once. It kills you slowly, day by day. You ever feel that way?"

- "I feel that way all the time."- I whispered and took a deep breath knowing my wife was hearing that entire conversation.

- "Take it off."- Cat commanded and looked straight into my eyes.

- "Why?"

- "As a sign of your commitment. To me."- I hated doing what she asked, but I felt like I had to. So I took the band off and put it in her hand. It wasn't even my real wedding ring, it was a fake one. I didn't want to use mine 'cause it had (Y/N)'s name scripted in it, and our wedding date. It felt way too intimate. And I didn't want to carry anything that might put her or our babies in danger.

- "We have you over her left shoulder. Do you copy?"- I heard Hotch's voice in my ear. I took a quick look at the security camera and nodded. - "All right, all agents stand by. Dr. Reid will give the green light. Don't move until we have it."

But as Hotch organized the team, Cat kept analyzing my fake wedding ring.

- "Twenty karat?"- she asked me and I hummed. - "24k times... six years means this ring should be dinged and nicked. But the sucker is brand-new. You are a liar."

Shit.

I kept my eyes on her and didn't move a facial muscle. That was when I heard the gun click underneath the table and I knew things were not going to go as smoothly as planned. I wasn't going to make it back home in time for dinner and Raven's bedtime. Again.

- "Why are we here, Spencer?"- Cat asked, looking annoyed. And I was glad I could drop the act.

- "We're here because you belong to a network of four hitmen who've been operating in the shadows of the Internet. You're known as Miss 45. My team and I have been hunting for months, and I knew that if I boxed you in, I could arrest you with as little resistance as possible."

My voice was just a whisper in the room, but I knew she could hear every single word loud and clear.

- "Your team being the behavioral analysis unit of the FBI?"- Cat questioned with a cocky smile. My heart skipped a beat when I realized she knew who we were. That meant she knew us all.

- "You guys are good. You're the only one that got close to us. But we got kind of close to you, too, didn't we?"- Cat kept her eyes glued to me as she said - "Hi, Penelope."

If she knew who we were, she knew who I was married to. And that was the only thing that raised my heart that minute. That woman had to pay for what she had done.

- "Do you know why I'm so good at my job?"- she asked, proudly.

- "Because you kill without compunction or remorse."- I replied without hesitation.

- "That only gets a girl so far in life. No, it's because I think through every potential outcome and then I plan accordingly. You see, I didn't walk into your trap. You walked into mine."

(Y/N)'s point of view

I paced in Garcia's office as I watched my husband being basically set up with a delusional serial killer who knew exactly who he was, and why he was there and had a gun pointing at him underneath the table. I felt nauseous just to think of all the bad things that could happen to him.

Neither Hotch or Penelope said a word. The two of them kept staring at the screen. And I, for once, couldn't even watch.

- "Where's your head, Spencer? What are you thinking about?"- I heard Cat's annoying voice talking to my husband.

- "I was thinking about entropy."- he replied. Always the smartest person in the room. - "It's the thermodynamic measure of the degradation of matter and energy in the universe. To put it another way..."- there was a pause that forced me to stare at the screen. Cat had scooted over in the booth and she was not basically touching Spencer, looking for his gun in his clothes. Her hands were all over him. I wanted to puke.

- "Good evening."- a waiter interrupted them, and for a moment, I had hope. But Cat dismissed him in a second.

- "Hi, uh, you know what? We've been having so much fun getting to know one another, we'll let you know when we're ready, ok?"

And my husband couldn't even move.

- "Now that we got that out of the way, will you do me a favor and tell Blondie McBlonderson over there at the bar to disappear."

- "What?"- the question popped out of my lips as I moved closer to the screen to take a better look. - "How did she know that was one of our agents?"- Hotch turned to me and raised an eyebrow, reminding me I had to stay quiet, 'cos everything I said, my husband heard, and he had to remain calm. I couldn't freak him out.

- "JJ, stand down."- Hotch commanded and I turned to him, ready to slap him.

- "Are you serious?"- and he didn't reply. Instead, he just stared at me and I bit my lips.

- "Thanks for playing, sweetie."- Cat waved at JJ as she passed by their table and Garcia held my hand, probably to stop me from losing it. I wanted to yell at JJ that she had been stupid, too obvious sitting there, alone at the bar, staring at my husband the entire time. She hadn't been subtle. It's like she wanted to get caught. But I didn't say a word, thankfully.

- "If she learns how many agents we have outside, she'll start shooting. Dave, get ready to take her out."- Hotch instructed and I watched Rossi on another screen sipping his drink in approval. - "Reid, do not let her get up from the table."

- "All right, you're in charge."- Spencer said in a very low and serious voice, as Cat stared at him with pure hate coming from her eyes - "Tell me what you want and I'll see if I can get it here for you."

- "Anything I want?"

- "Anything you want."- he assured her.

- "Like a million dollars in unmarked bills, maybe a plane to Aruba?"

- "Is that what you want?"

- "And you'll say you'll bring it here, but the real plan is to distract me from what is, I'm sure, an impressive law enforcement response just outside that door. Is that the plan?"- something bothered me. Something else, besides the entire situation. Something made things even worse at that point. And at that minute I realized, Cat Adams was flirting with my husband. And he had no idea what was going on.

- "That's the plan."- he even cut her a little charming smile, which I knew was going to encourage her to continue.

- "Ok, let's talk, but let's talk about something interesting, at least. Tell me about me."- bitch was the classic narcissist sociopath. A part of me knew I should be sorry for her, but I just hated her even more.

- "You? You're a black widow hitwoman. You specialize in seduction and you're patient."- Spencer started his speech, eyes glued to her. - "You learn everything you can about the men you're hired to kill, physically, psychologically, and emotionally because you want them in as compromised a position as possible so they don't see it coming when you pull the trigger."

- "And when I do it really well, they pull the trigger themselves."- that bitch was beyond crazy. - "Give me your phone."- she asked and Spencer raised an eyebrow.

- "Why?"

- "Because I know what I want now. I want to play a game with you. You like games?"

- "I do."- my husband answered calmly.

- "Do you win?"

- "I always win."- he didn't even hesitate, and that cunt was staring at him like he was a three-course dinner, and she was ready to fucking feast.

- "Give it to me."- and Spencer complied. - "Ok, here's my game. You have thirty minutes to answer every question I ask. And if you lie, I'll know. Because I've spent the past ten years of my life studying men and their lies before I kill them. Do you believe me?"

- "I do."

- "That was true. You're getting this. Now, here's how we'll know who wins at the end of thirty minutes. If you win, you'll drag me out of here in handcuffs. But if I win, you will escort me out like a gentleman, to make sure I exit safely. What do you say, Spencer? Think you can win this one?"

Spencer moved closer to her across the table and whispered loud and clear.

- "Considering everything you've put Garcia and so many people through, you're going to have to shoot me in the face before you walk out of here."

- "That would make (Y/N) really angry at me, and it's not safe for her to get mad if she is already six months pregnant, right?"

Garcia turned to me with her mouth open as I stared at the screen not believing my own ears. In all the years we had been working with the FBI that was the very first time a serial killer had investigated me and my personal life before we even got to them.

Spencer didn't move a muscle, he just stared at her looking unimpressed.

- "What do you want to ask me?"- Spencer questioned as if her words hadn't meant a thing to him. Good. Never show a serial killer they have any power over you.

- "How you found me, of course. A professional learns from her mistakes."- that cocky bitch.

- "We got our big break in the case at the end of last year. I didn't learn how big until I came back from some time off."

- "Why'd you take time off?"- oh no...

- "Irrelevant. We got to work a few days ago and our team chief had some new information on the case..."

- "Stop."- Cat interrupted him, looking annoyed.

- "What?"

- "You didn't tell me why you took time off."

- "It's not relevant."

- "That's not the game. The game is you answer every question I ask."- my husband stared at her as if she was just wasting his time. Which I think got her angrier. - "Is it a secret?"

- "No."

- "Is it dirty?"

- "No."

- "Then tell me."- she basically begged, making my blood boil.

- "It's not important to your story."

- "Out of curiosity, is it me you don't want to tell or the people listening in? Does your wife know why you had to take some time off?"

- "Of course I know, bitch."- I whispered and clenched my fist. Spencer didn't seem affected by her words, one more time, and just looked at the timer on his phone and asked:

- "Is this really how you want to spend your 30 minutes?"

- "Yes."- Spencer didn't move and Cat finally gave in. - "No. Ok, so you were saying you showed up for work that morning and..."

- "We learned that someone unexpectedly decided to talk."

- "And who would that be?"

- "Brian Cochran from the NSA."

Spencer continued explaining to Cat Adams how we had managed to get to her, after all those months, and she seemed to be hypnotized by him. She didn't look away, she didn't move from her chair. She was drooling, looking at him as he spoke. Great. Just what I needed, a psycho killer crushed on my husband.

- "That only left us with the fourth killer, the one with the highest body count of them all."- Spencer explained and Cat smiled.

- "Me."

- "Yes."

- "Wow, that was really impressive."- Cat smiled ironically- "Yeah, the way you just made all those brilliant deductions with all that information that was just handed to you on a silver platter. Quick question, are you guys really profilers or are you just lucky? Because this, what I'm about to say is profiling."- she cleared her throat and smugly said: - "The reason you took time off from work was to deal with a fight with your wife."

- "No."

- "The death of a parent, then."

- "No."- there was a slight hesitation in Spencer's voice, and that bitch noticed.

- "Ah, hello, I'm getting close. It's mom or dad in the billiard room with the candlestick."- Spencer deadpanned her, but that seemed to make her incredibly happy. I hated that bitch more and more with every passing second.

- "Oh, you're mad at me, aren't you?"- she teased him.

- "Not even a little bit."- Spencer whispered.

- "Yes, you are, I can tell."

- "No offense, but you're not really worth getting angry at."- Cat didn't reply, she just stared at him right in the eyes in silence for a moment.

- "Please, let me kill her."- I murmured to Hotch, but he didn't say anything.

- "So you figured out what the four of us did, and then what?"- Cat continued asking. That was gonna be the longest thirty minutes of my life.

- "We profiled that you operated as spokes on a wheel. Somehow it had to be centralized, how you got jobs, who paid you. Somebody did all that for you."

- "You found the Snowman, didn't you?"

- "We did. Thanks to the information we got from Cochran and some help from Hotch."

- "I'm confused. What just happened there?"- Cat asked, and Spencer explained what we had done in the last couple of days.

- "When we arrested Cochran, we found a flash drive, one that gave us access to a specific shadow of the Darknet, one we didn't even know existed. Garcia used it to find the website that Snowman set up for all of you. Once we had the website, we had geography, specifically, the safe house you were keeping him in. So we waited until the shift change when we knew we could take two of you down at once."

- "Well, well, well, you took the chemist and the sniper out of commission, huh?"

- "Did you know?"

- "I knew something was off. They didn't bid on some contracts. And this isn't the kind of job where you get to take time off to be with your... mother? Is it your mom? It's gotta be your mom.

- "Isn't this bitch going to let it go?"- I whispered, trying not to get caught by Hotch's microphone.

- "Why'd you take time off from the FBI?"- Cat asked my husband one more time.

- "I'm not gonna tell you."

- "Spencer, why did you take time off from the FBI?"

- "You can ask me as many times as you want, and you can continue to waste your time, but I'm still not gonna tell you."

- "Then you're cheating, and I don't like cheaters."

- "You don't get everything you want just because you're pointing a gun at me under a table. You're not the first killer to point a gun at me. You're not even the first woman to point a gun at me."- Spencer cut her a short smile and simply added - "Sorry."

But somehow, I felt that was exactly what Cat wanted him to say. She was enjoying her time alone with him a little too much.

- "You're really gonna take this all the way, aren't you?"- she asked, very relaxed sitting on the sofa across from my husband. I hated every second Spencer had to spend with her.

- "Yeah."

- "So am I."

- "Dave, go."- Hotch commanded, and Rossi quickly moved from his table.

- "Look at my face. Does it look like I'm bluffing?"

- "I know you're not bluffing."- Spencer replied as she moved closer to him and sat right next to him.

- "I'm gonna ask you one more time. Before you say no, I want you to consider something."- and that was all we heard, 'cos she grabbed Spencer's tie and covered the mic.

- "She muffled the mic!"- Garcia gasped as we heard the static in the room. - "We lost audio."

All we could do was stare at the screen, waiting to see what happened. Cat was still sitting right next to my husband and he, for a second, seemed defeated. What was she saying?

- "Rossi, stand down."- that was the next thing we heard, and I felt a bucket of cold water running down my back.- "Please."- Spencer added and turned to David, almost apologetically. Rossi didn't say a thing, he just did as asked, and walked out of the room.

- "My mom has schizophrenia, and the doctor has changed her medication, which seemed to agitate her, and so I went to the treatment center to help her."- Spencer explained quickly, to get that conversation over with. I knew he didn't like talking with many people about our family issues, especially about his mother. That's why that conversation was especially hard for him.

- "That's it?"- and Cat was clearly disappointed.

- "That's it."

- "You just risked your life over mommy's pills?"

- "It's the truth."- but Cat didn't reply. She stared at him, trying to read him and see what else he was hiding.

- "It's part of the truth. You're holding something back. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna penalize you by adding 10 minutes. And keep in mind that the only reason you're not dead right now is because I did learn something important."

- "Oh, really? What's that?"

- "Your backup. I flushed them out. It's just you and me now."

- "Guess again, bitch."- Tara whispered, making me smile as she and Morgan toasted at a table on the other side of the restaurant. My husband would never be alone with that psycho.

Spencer's point of view

I knew (Y/N) was having a hard time dealing with what was going on that night. That's why I wanted to end that situation as soon as possible. But of course, Cat wasn't going to make things easy. She kept asking about my time off the bureau. And I honestly didn't want to tell her 'cause I was already having trouble being there. It felt like my personal life was in danger around that woman. That she could take any piece of information and use it against me at any time.

But right there, in the moment, I had to give her what she was asking, to make her think she was in control. And what she wanted was to know how we had got her.

- "My unit chief agreed with the plan, but he thought there was one flaw."- I finished talking and she quickly replied to my words with an annoying smile.

- "You. You're the flaw. You're married and your wife is pregnant. You can't keep your head cold under those stressing factors."

- "I'm the person on my team who's the closest to your age, and I knew that if I lost control of the situation, you'd be more likely to negotiate with a peer."

- "You have zero control here. None. I outflanked you from the beginning."- I chuckled at those words and simply shook my head.

- "Some of your moves were pretty obvious."- I needed to make her see she wasn't as special as she thought she was.

- "Such as?"

- "Such as showing up armed. Such as changing the venue at the last moment."- I enumerated.

- "I needed a restaurant full of innocents in case this was a trap."

- "If you really suspected this was a trap, then why show up at all? Even when you first laid eyes on me, from the bar, from outside, from wherever you were, you should have seen through me and kept on moving, but you didn't. You couldn't. Because you can't get to the man you really want to hurt, so you need to hurt any man who reminds you of him."

- "That's kind of boilerplate psychology, isn't it? I'm just another girl with daddy issues.

- "You'd be surprised how many killers do what they do because of their parents."- I paused and waited for her reaction. But there wasn't any. - "If it's so boilerplate, why don't we test that theory? How hard did you look for him?"

- "Very hard."

- "And how disappointed were you when you realized that you would never find him? You needed some other outlet for your rage, and for a while, this worked, but it also tripped you up. Can I tell you a little secret? Everything eventually falls apart. The trick is accepting when it's over."

The alarm rang. Time was up. Her silly game had come to an end and she had to surrender peacefully and walk out of that restaurant with me. Just that I knew she wouldn't come easily.

- "Except it ain't over, is it?"- she asked with a crazy look in her eyes.

- "Do you really think I'm just gonna let you walk out of here?"- I raised an eyebrow as I stared at her.

- "You profiled so much about me, except you forgot to ask the most important question. Why would I make you sit here for 30 minutes?"

- "Because you're stalling."

- "Then you don't know me at all. Did you guys show up here without an escape plan? Or is that what just another girl with daddy issues does? Maybe if you hadn't fallen victim to your own gender bias, and, yes, all men have gender bias, even you, Dr. Reid, would have recognized that your entire strategy was based on one faulty detail. Can you see it?

- "You're not here alone."

- "And my partner? Less paranoid than you think."- her words gave me cold chills.

- "You planted a bomb in the building."- but she just smiled innocently.

- "I didn't. My job was to keep your entire team focused on us, so he could do what he does best."

- "There are innocent people here."- I had never been so glad my wife had to stay back in Quantico, 'cos if she had been there that night, I could have lost it. I may have even let Cat go.

- "Yes, there are. So let me remind you what we're playing for. Not only will I walk out of here, but you will make sure I leave safely. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like I've won."

I only had one chance to make things right. I couldn't let Cat Adams out of that restaurant, for the sake of Penelope and my own family. I knew, I felt it in my guts, that she would never forgive me for setting her up, she would seek revenge against me and my loved ones. It had to end that night.

- "You need to pay attention to this part. I'm going to tell you the terms of my victory. I want you to move all of your backups away from this building. If I walk out of here and I see one cop, I will incinerate us all."

- "I can't do that."- I tried to explain, but it was useless.

- "Spencer..."

- "It's not me. What you're asking takes time."- so she leaned in closer, grabbed,–))(65+ my mic and spoke directly to the mic.

- "This is to whoever's in charge. Unless you guys want to be responsible for the biggest FBI disaster since Waco, you will back off now."- then, she sat down correctly and cut me a smug smile.- "Watch this."

We waited for a few minutes in silence. I looked around the room at all the people eating dinner, not even a single worry about what was going around them. Their lives were all in my hands, and I only had one chance to save us all.

- "Look at that. There they go."- Cat commented as the waitress started walking around the room, asking every customer to go calmly.

- "All we want to do..."- I started explaining, but she interrupted me.

- "Minimize the collateral damage. I get it. I'm not mad. It'll give me the cover I need to slip out. I just need to know it's clear, so do me a favor and tell your boss that nobody leaves until it's safe for me to."

- "Reid, perimeter agents are pulling back. You have to let her go."- Hotch whispered in my ear, but I refused to follow that instruction.

- "Well?"- Cat raised an eyebrow and waited for my reply.

- "Repeat, all agents, do not engage or pursue until the bomb is defused."- Hotch commanded, but I remained silent, sitting there, rearranging my thoughts.

- "Spencer..."- Adams insisted, getting annoyed.

- "You can leave."- I whispered and she quickly started moving from her seat. - "But you won't."- I said as she stopped walking and turned to look at me.

- "I'm sorry?"

- "Double or nothing. You need to sit back down."- I suggested and Cat stared at me, not believing my words.

- "Reid, what are you doing?"- Hotch asked, and I'm sure I heard my wife arguing at the back.

- "Wow, now you're stalling."- Cat said with a mocking tone of voice.

- "You played your trump card, but I have one, too."- she stared at me in silence, considering her options.

- "Thanks for dinner. I had fun."- and right after they had turned around and started walking away from me, I said.

- "I found your father."- and she immediately stopped walking. She stood there, considering my words, and probably trying to find a reason to leave anyway. Until her curiosity was stronger than her determination, and she turned to question me.

- "No, you didn't.

- "Look at my face. Am I bluffing?"- I simply stared at her with the most serious expression on my face- "I'll tell you where he is. But you need to sit back down and listen to the rest of my story."

- "No. Tell me now or I'll..."- but I cut her off, already tired of that whole situation.

- "Detonate the bomb? You're not gonna do that, Cat, because then you won't learn anything. You said you were good at your job because you think through every outcome. Well, guess what? So do I."- she didn't move for a moment. I could read the struggle on her face. Until she gave up, and sat again in front of me.

- "All right. Finish the story."

- "To prepare for this dinner, I had to learn everything about you, starting with your real name. Catherine Adams. Daughter of Daniel Adams, who did in fact leave the country in 1987 but returned in 2012. Based on confidential records in rehabs and sober living houses, which in turn pointed us to flophouses and soup kitchens. He couldn't put 24 hours together sober. And you can probably imagine my surprise when I discovered that he actually lives right here in D.C.

- "Where?"- she demanded to know, the urgency in her voice letting me know I was hitting the right spot.

- "It's not that simple. He was in bad shape when I found him. I showed him your picture and asked if we could talk about you. I needed to know what had happened, and if he could give me any information about you. But he couldn't."

- "He didn't remember me?"- Cat sounded insulted and hurt.

- "The alcoholism shredded his brain. I'm sorry."- I could relate to her, I knew what it meant to know your own family couldn't remember you. But I couldn't really feel sorry for her, considering the hell she and her team had put Garcia through.

- "You're not sorry. Sorry is what people say when they don't understand."- she paused and stared at me like she could actually read me. Which I didn't like one bit. - "Wait. Your mother, tell me."- I hesitated, I didn't know if I should answer that question with the truth, but if I didn't, if she felt I was bluffing, there were some serious chances the entire building would end up in flames. So I did what I had to do, even though I didn't like it.

- "Is... is this part of the game?"- I questioned her, thinking about all the people listening on the other side of my microphone.

- "No. The game's over."

She was dead serious, and I couldn't really hide anymore. It was my last chance to make sure things went down smoothly. So I answered with complete honesty.

- "When I looked at her medical chart, it didn't make any sense. The medication that they gave her should have been helping, but I couldn't figure out what was making her so angry. So, I went to see her. The moment I walked into her room, I saw it. For three seconds... She didn't know who I was. I had her tested that morning, and I found out that night. That she had early-onset of dementia. Most likely Alzheimer's."

- "Did you test yourself?"- Cat asked immediately. I still don't know if she felt any kind of empathy for me, but her eyes were locked into mine. - "No, you didn't. You were too scared."

- "Did you know?"- I heard Penelope asking someone I assumed was my wife. (Y/N)'s voice on the other side whispered yes as I continued looking down at my hands.

- "I thought I dodged a bullet when I turned thirty and didn't have a schizophrenic break like her, but this is somehow bigger and scarier because I can actually see it happening. All the memories that we used to share are just dying. I can't stop it. I can't help her. All I can do is find people that I can help."

I was sharing way too much during that dinner. And all because I needed to find a way for Cat to relate to me, to make her weak, call her bluff, and lock her behind bars.

- "Is that really why you showed up tonight? To help me? Do you know how many men have told me that they wanted to help me? How do you think that worked out for them?"

I couldn't reply 'cause I all heard at that minute was JJ announcing Cat had armed the bomb, and they were all trying to find a way to get everybody out there as quick as possible. All I could do was try to gain more time.

- "You're right. You don't need my help. You don't need anyone's help. You are completely in control."- but as soon as I spoke those words I saw Morgan and Tara struggling with a woman at the bar who I could guess was Cat's partner, the bomber. And before I could react, I felt a gun against my temple, as Cat grabbed me and forced me to walk.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Watching my husband being held basically hostage by a serial killer who had a gun against his head was probably one of the scariest things I faced working with the FBI. What I hated the most that day was knowing I wasn't even in the same building with him. And there was nothing I could do to help him.

Garcia held my hand tight as we stared at the screen. Cat Adams was so tiny next to him, and yet, he couldn't do anything to defend himself but try to get in her head.

- "FBI. Everybody stay calm, please."- Morgan said from the other side of the room as he held his gun out and kept his eyes locked on Adams. The only thing that kept me sane at that moment was knowing Morgan would do anything and everything to keep my husband safe.

- "We're gonna be smart about this and talk it out. Aren't we, Cat?"- Tara asked her as she cuffed the bomber.

- "That's up to you."- Adam replied with a threatening tone.

- "Get everyone out of here."- Spencer basically begged as he stared at Morgan and Lewis in front of him. She commanded the civilian to get out quickly and she took the bomber out herself. But Morgan remained there.

- "Morgan, you, too."- Spencer added.

- "I'm not going anywhere."- a part of me sighed relieved when I heard Derek's reply. He moved closer to Cat, pointing his gun at her head the entire time.

- "Guess we're right back where we started. You and me with a gun."- I hated the way Cat looked at my husband, 'cos though I'm certain there was a part of her who knew she was already doomed, she was in fact enjoying her time with him.

- "Reid, it's time."- Morgan commanded, but Spencer shook his head.

- "No."

- "We don't have a choice. We have to do it."- Derek was serious and Cat got immediately curious.

- "Do what?"

- "Morgan, shut up."- my husband begged, but Derek didn't listen.

- "There's one thing he hasn't told you yet."

- "That's not true. He's lying. Don't listen to him!"- Spencer was scared and freaked out as Cat turned to him nearly offended.

- "What haven't you told me?!"

- "Nothing. I told you... nothing! Nothing!"

- "What don't I know?"- Cat asked Morgan and he simply answered.

- "We brought your father here."- I knew they were lying, her father wasn't there. Spencer tried to find him, but it was a dead end. So Morgan and my husband were putting out a show for her, and all I could hope for was that she fell for it.

- "Here? He's here?"- Cat was hurt and shocked. Was it because she couldn't believe we had found him? Or was it because she couldn't find him herself?

- "He's right outside."- Derek continued talking, his gun not moving from her head. - "Reid thought he needed every bargaining chip he could get."

- "Morgan, I'm begging you, don't. Don't."- Spencer begged for him to stop talking, but Morgan didn't pay attention.

- "Every bargaining chip he could get to convince you to do the right thing."

- "How is this the right thing?"- Cat asked. She was nervous, clearly the thought of being close to her father had an immediate effect on her.

- "Your father killed your mother. And there's no statute of limitations on murder, so you really need to think about your options right now. You shoot him, I will kill you. Or if you surrender, you will live to testify against your father."- Morgan showed his cards.

- "That's not good enough."

- "We can arrange it for the two of you to drive into custody together, and then you can remind him of who you are."- Cat eyes shone at those words, but Spencer argued immediately.

- "If you give her this, she wins. Don't do it."

- "Kid, I am trying to save your life. Now let me do that."- Morgan was serious. A beeping outside caught their attention. - "They're bringing him in right now."

- "You're really upset about this, aren't you?"- Cat stared at Spencer, who looked in fact affected by the whole situation, but didn't reply to her. Instead, Morgan continued talking.

- "This is what you wanted, isn't it, a chance to finally hurt the man who deserves it?"

- "They all deserve it."- Cat clarified.

- "He deserves it the most."- Morgan made his point and Adams took a minute to consider her options.

- "Only if Spencer escorts me out."- I hated the way she pronounced his name.

- "Deal."- my husband whispered, annoyed and Cat finally dropped her gun.

I swear, I let out a breath I never realized I was holding, and stared at Spencer handcuffing Cat and walking out of the restaurant. I looked at Garcia and she had tears in her eyes.

- "Hotch?"- Morgan said to the mic.

- "Yeah."

- "We are coming out."- I hugged Penelope immediately and felt her sobbing against me as Hotch moved closer to us and put a hand on her shoulder.

- "You want to go home?"- he whispered and she nodded, crying.

- "Let's get your things packed up and get a celebratory drink, ok?"- I offered her and she chuckled.

- "You can't drink, munchkin."

- "You are gonna have to drink for me, then."

Spencer called me ten minutes later. He was in the car with Morgan on their way back from the case.

- "Hey chipmunk. How are you?"

- "I'm ok. You?"

- "Just tired."- he whispered and sighed. There was a lot more going on in his head, but I knew he couldn't share it at the moment, and I was not going to push him to say anything.

- "I'm gonna drive Pen to her house."

- "Morgan's"- Garcia corrected me as she grabbed one of her bags and started walking. I quickly followed her, carrying another bag with her things. - "Savannah texted me, she has celebratory drinks for us."

- "Ok, I'm driving her to Morgan's. If you are with Derek, wanna meet there and go home?"

- "Yes, that sounds like a good plan."- neither of us said a thing for a moment. I whispered I loved him and got into the elevator with Garcia.

- "How is he?"- Pen asked when she noticed I was putting the phone back into my pocket.

- "Tired. Probably upset, she forced him to face her mother's disease in front of all of you."

- "I'm so sorry, (Y/N)."

- "Thank you. Let's focus on the good things that happened today. That psycho is finally locked and you are safe to go home one more time. I'm sure Sergio is excited to have you back"

- "I miss him. And my plants! I just can't wait to be home the entire weekend, clean the place, and enjoy my space."

- "I'm so glad you are finally going home."

- "Me too. Who is taking care of my Birdie tonight by the way?"

- "She is at my mother's. We didn't know how this was going to go, so we thought it was better to take her there and have a "nana and Birdie" sleepover. My dad was supposed to hang out with them for a while."

- "I love how they manage to co-grandparent her so well."- I chuckled at Garcia's comment and nodded.

- "Me too. I wish they were this civil when I was growing up, though."

- "Come on! at least you know they won't traumatize Birdie."

- "No, I'm guessing that's our job as parents."- I joked and walked to my car. Garcia followed me quickly, and in a few minutes, we were on our way to Morgan's.

Spencer's point of view

We got out of the car and walked to Morgan's house after a quiet drive. I had called my wife, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she knew exactly what was going on with me. I also called Sofia to find out how Raven was doing. I was feeling somehow paranoid after that evening. I knew Cat was locked, but I couldn't shake off the thought of her hurting my family.

- "You want to come in, decompress a bit?"- Morgan asked suddenly, and stopped walking as we stood in the middle of his front yard.

- "I'm good. We are probably just gonna go home."- he nodded and stared at me, most likely trying to find the words to say what he wanted to say.

- "That was an intense case."- Morgan whispered and I chuckled. Intense was a simple way to call it. I had another dozen words that were harder than it.

- "Yeah. It's over. Network's gone."- I tried to focus on that, but I knew my friend was not going to let it go.

- "Yeah. Reid, that medical research that Savannah gave you, was that..."- and I simply nodded.

- "Yeah."

- "You are gonna get yourself tested, aren't you?"

- "One of the data points that her research told me about was age. I'm too young to display the chromosomal signs, so I'm just gonna have to learn to live not knowing."

I could tell Morgan wanted to tell me everything was going to be ok, but he didn't get a chance, because the front door of his house opened and one very drunk Garcia walked out, followed by (Y/N) and Savannah.

- "Oh, my God!"- Garcia opened her arms and stumbled all the way to our side in her huge heels.

- "Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is happening right now?"- Morgan questioned her, surprised to find her in such a state so quickly.

- "You're what's going on. Right now is what's."- Garcia looked at me and I couldn't help but start chuckling- "You are here. Do you know what's happening right now? It is, it is done. The Dirty Dozen is done! Yes, done!

I'm in it!"

- "How much did she have?"- Morgan asked his girlfriend as I felt my wife wrapping her arms around me in silence. I hugged her tight and kissed the top of her head as I heard her sighing. She was my home and my peace, and I was finally happy 'cause I was with her.

- "She started out with Jaeger."- Savannah explained and Morgan wide opened his eyes, shocked,

- "Jaeger?! Ok...."- Derek chuckled and stared at Garcia, who hugged him and repeated over and over how much she loved him until she saw me one more time.

- "And you! I love you so much! You two make such beautiful babies!!"- I heard my wife giggling as Garcia turned to Savannah and continued spreading her love. - "And you, I should be jealous of you because you're so hot. But I'm not. I'm not. I promise you I'm not. I'm not. I promise. No, I'm not"- Pen looked at us and tried to convince us all. - "'Cause you know what? All I feel in here is love. I just... I am feeling, I'm full of love. So much love. I'm wearing too many clothes."

- "Shit! Garcia, don't get naked!"- my wife argued immediately as Penelope started walking back into the house, trying to take off her sweater.

- "I got this!"- Savannah announced as she quickly followed Garcia back into the house.

- "I'm gonna get my things."- (Y/N) whispered and kissed my cheek.

- "You sure you don't want to reconsider?"- Morgan joked as she pointed inside the house and I just laughed.

- "I think we are ok. (Y/N) should get some rest and I really just want to go home."- there was a pause as I looked inside and saw my wife hugging Garcia one more time, as Savannah held a bottle of water, probably trying to convince Garcia to drink it.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan said and looked at me- "Can I tell you something?"

- "Yeah."- but instead, he just took a step closer and hugged me. - "I just, uh..."

- "Yeah."- I whispered and nodded.

- "You know?"

- "I know. I know."- I hugged him back and felt the tears falling from my eyes. I know it was hard dealing with feelings sometimes, so it felt good to know Morgan and I both knew how much we meant to each other.

- "Good. Because I mean it."- he tapped on my back a few times and let me go, but kept his eyes on me.- "I'll see you Monday."

(Y/N) stared at the scene from the porch and waited until Morgan started walking to the house to walk toward me. She opened her arms and hugged him as well, kissing his cheek. I always assumed she thanked him for taking care of me. And I always felt he had my back. He was my brother. Always had and always will be.

- "Come on, honey. Let's go home."- my wife whispered and held my hand. And I meant it when I said she was my home.   

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Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

[lordadmiralfarsight]

Revolution fetishism is a horrible political view, especially in this context

Okay, rant incoming, partially related to recent events, but also to earlier thinking on my part.

There are, on the Left, a fair few people that romanticize or outright fetishize the concept of Revolution, of violent popular uprising to wrest power out of the hands of a corrupt elite and give it to the people. Very romantic, very righteous (self-righteous pretty often), very good and nice and sexy. And by the grace of revolutionary fervor and ideological purity, everything will be better after.

Except no.

See, a lot of this romanticization of Revolution comes, to my knowledge, from my own country of France. We have romanticized our Revolution a fair bit, and honestly, looking at the first part, fair. A serious go at giving women rights, a no-cause divorce, abolition of slavery, privileges thrown out, equality between people proclaimed loud, enfranchisement given to minorities ... in 1789. A LOT of good and progress, especially for the time.

But then it got fucky, VERY fucky. The Reign of Terror, under the caring leadership of Maximilien Robespierre, was a fucking nightmare on Earth, caracterized by mass executions on political basis, and by this I mean anyone that opposed Robespierre got beheaded. Political plurality? You mean anti-revolutionary sentiment ! Unacceptable, kill everyone.

A rumor of the time said the Place de Grève was covered in a layer of blood that was ankle deep. Is that an exageration ? Yes, certainly. But the fact it got to that point should tell you something about how intense the murdering was. And that was just one square in Paris, there was the rest of the country to consider too.

But surely, after Robespierre fell victim to his own system and was executed, something better emerged, right?

No. Sweet mother of fuck, NO.

What followed was roughly 70 years of political instability and violence, warfare and civil war, several dictatorships, including attempts to restore absolute monarchy, that undid most of the good brought by the first part of the Revolution. And finally, France stumbled onto political stability in 1870 when the temporary 3rd Republic, that was supposed to wait until the presumptive heir to the throne (who wanted an absolute monarchy) croacked did what temporary things do best and became the permanent system (until its fall).

This was not thanks to the Revolution. It was pure randomness.

Did the French Revolution bring good things? Yes, it did. In its first part. The second part brought chaos and misery for multiple decades. And it took a lot of work and efforts to bring back what the Revolution, the peaceful part, had brought in.

And far too many people on the Left fetishize and romanticize the whole thing, as if we couldn't have had the first part without the second, as if the progress and hope and betterment somehow needed the chaos and murder that came after.

Yes, there would have been a period of conflict, European monarchies would not have accepted quietly a realm the size of France doing away with monarchs. But did we REALLY need the political purges ? Did we REALLY need the paranoia ? Did we REALLY need the massacres ?

But you will find people that answer yes, and say the spilled blood somehow made it pure, or good. And those same people are looking at what Hamas is doing and are cheering. These people don't celebrate the first part, the progress and hope. They claim to be, but they aren't. They celebrate the Terror. They yearn for the unjust "popular tribunal" AKA mob "justice". They dream of executing political opponents or anyone they think is "bad" on light or even absent charges.

And That's why they cheer for Hamas rockets and massacres. That's why they sing when Israeli children are murdered. That's why they attack Jews that don't live in Israel. Because they hope to vicariously live this period of unchecked violence.

Know who was celebrating the RIGHT part of the Revolution ? The Israeli working with Gazan to build understanding. The Gazan protesting against Hamas. The Israeli Arabs risking their lives to save the lives of fellow Israeli and of foreigners, regardless of skin or creed. The Gazan trying to improve things in their homes against the wishes and efforts of Hamas.

Know who IS celebrating the RIGHY part of the Revolution ? The Israeli protesting the way the IDF is bombing Gaza. The people decrying the hypocrisy of blood-thirsty leftists. The people calling for Peace and working to make the political change to allow it.

But the Robespierres of the time, drunk on their own self-assurance, condemn and insult them, claiming that blood must be spilt. But it doesn't have to be. The French Revolution started relatively bloodlessly. It didn't need some great orgy of violence. Oh it wasn't clean, but it was far cleaner than the armchair Robespierres would like it to be. Because it didn't need to be.

And that's my point, really. The people fantasizing about and fetishizing the Revolution always dream of torrents of blood washing away the injustices, of seas of corpses forming a fertile ground upon which progress can grow. But that horseshit. All you get with that is, like the Place de Grève, a sinister place that stinks of rot and death, and flocks of scavengers gorging on your crimes.

All you get is a chance for a Napoleon to arrive. Or Stalin's USSR that so casually carried on with the crimes of the Tsars. Or Polpot who murdered 25% of his population.

If you look at the French Revolution, the right lesson to learn is that you need to know when to stop, and that's before you get to indiscriminate killing. Because once you get to that point ... people that thrive in those settings get in power and perpetuate them.

And to apply that to the situation in I/P ... knowing when to stop means realizing that Israeli are still humans, that Gazan are still humans, that their lives have worth and should be protected, that supporting child killings when it's done by "brown people" is not anymore alright than supporting child killings when done by the IDF. And you people should very well consider the possibility that people inside the IDF are doing all they can to reduce Bibi's ability to order war crimes.

And you should recognize that there are efforts on the part of the IDF, sometimes token efforts, sometimes more than just that, to limit the number of dead civilians. Point me to a case where Hamas did the same. Point me to a case where they tried to get Israeli civilians out of the way instead of targeting them.

Hamas is not a Revolution you want to succeed. It's not about being free. It's about killing. This isn't a "glorious revolutionary action", it's a prelude to the wholesale slaughter and ethnic massacre they dream of. It's a tiny window into their ideal, blood soaked world.

Violent revolution should be a last resort, when there is no other option available, when the system is so utterly broken and shattered that nothing can move, and it should be stopped as soon as the system is unfucked enough to negociate. The I/P situation is not at that stage. Look at how much efforts the fascists of both sides have to invest in maintaining this. Look at how much time and money and efforts they have to invest to keep each other in place. And despite this, people of both sides reach for peace, argue and protest for it, even at the risk of their very lives (especially true in Gaza).

And if you refuse to consider all this, if you insist on following Robespierre, remember this : La Veuve came for him too, in the end.

[hauntingofhouses]

"why would you ship mizu and taigen together they're sooooo toxic ugh taigen is AWFUL and mizu should be with ME instead!!!"

of course they're toxic they're both deranged and terrible and that's why they're perfect for each other.

cuz like omg you think mizu would treat you well? mizu would abandon you. look at how she left ringo multiple times. ringo who treats her so well and is nothing but patient and caring and loyal. if you are insecure she will laugh at you because she has no social tact. look at how mikio said "it's a stupid dream" talking about his ambitions of regaining his honour and mizu straight up chuckles and tells him he's right because it IS a stupid dream. and at this point their relationship was cordial and she was even warming up to him!

like. arguably, taigen would be a better romantic partner (per the ideals of his time and culture of course), or at least he would be on paper. cuz i mean as a husband, as he is now, i think he'd be awful. but i'm talking about if you and him were dating or courting or just seeing each other romantically, he would be good to you. like we saw how he behaved with akemi and he was nothing but sweet and gentle. the very reason akemi wanted to marry him so bad was because she KNOWS without a doubt that he respects women and would treat her well. "oh but he cheated on her with the prostitutes while celebrating his engagement!" yeah but per the norms of the time and place, it was not considered cheating and akemi (as well as any wife or romantic partner of that period) would not have minded or even cared.

and yes taigen IS an asshole and he IS obnoxious but come on. so is mizu, if she is allowed to act like herself around you. mizu will tease you and mock you and challenge you and even poke at your insecurities (see:her goading mikio on even though he clearly did not view her teasing as light-hearted banter and took it all very personally). she would tell you to your face if she thinks you're being annoying (see:mizu rolling her eyes and telling akemi to straight up just "shut up" when she'd believed mizu had killed taigen).

mizu is not merely a hot and talented badass with a sword and the insane hyperfocus on her desire for revenge which literally drives her to withstand like, extreme amounts of damage and survive it. mizu is also flawed and the show does a good job at showcasing this, and showing us that she's not merely a victim but also a multilayered person. we see throughout that mizu is blunt and sarcastic and prideful.

oh what's that? oh right, very similar to taigen, who is also hot and talented with a sword and with insane hyperfocus on his desire to duel mizu and regain his honour. taigen who is also flawed (though, arguably, more so) as he is blunt and sarcastic and prideful.

the only thing that sets mizu and taigen apart is the fact that taigen is a man and is not mixed race, which thus affects their positions in society and how people perceive them. these are external factors. taigen being a boy who is not blue-eyed allowed him to easily mingle with the other kids in the village, all of whom were similarly fed the same prejudiced values which led them to gang up against mizu and bully her.

but take all that away. strip them down to the bare essentials. suddenly it's like they are the same person copy and pasted.

and that's what makes them even more interesting. yes absolutely they would be toxic. whatever souls are made of, mizu's and taigen's are the same (derogatory). and we literally see them fight all the time!!!! but the thing is they are both deranged when it comes to this.

do you get me. they both literally get turned on by sparring. mizu's whole spar with mikio was her way of flirting. just look at how she smirked at him and said "unsheathe it" like it's clear that this is an innuendo of not just unsheathing his weapon but also what's in his pants. then during the chopsticks fight with taigen in the snow, despite mizu literally being injured and taigen trying to attack her, mizu gets attracted to him. meanwhile taigen got a boner after wrestling with her in the forge.

taigen goes around saying he wants to kill mizu to regain his honour but he still literally risks life and limb for her constantly. mizu gives ringo stomach ulcers by going around flinging herself into near-death situations 24/7. she ups and leaves her beloved swordfather with barely a goodbye twice to pursue her batshit far-fetched quest for revenge (against people she doesn't even KNOW btw because she literally starts off with practically No Leads and not even knowing the NAMES of the white men who are her maybe-fathers).

these bitches are crazy and you know what good for them. that shit needs to be contained and quarantined though and that's why in that sense they would be good together.

i want to put them both in a jar and shake it very hard and see what happens. personally i think they will argue and insult each other while working perfectly in sync with each other to break out of the jar and then proceed to kill me and make out sloppy style over my dead body while they're both covered in blood.

like that's it that's the dynamic. send post.

[stylespresleyhearted]

CCG - LUCI’S 3RD BIRTHDAY

In honor of the great @blainesebastian ‘s birthday here’s a little instagram compilation I’ve conjured up for our adored CCG nation <3 Austin, CCG, and Luci we miss and love ya’ll forever and Mccall you are a brilliant mind whom I will adore until the end of time! Have the bestest birthday ever, you deserve nothing less!

—————-

liked by coffee.girl, salmahayek, and 20,342 others

enews And the Best Dad Award goes to ….! In honor Austin Butler and Y/N’s little girl turning three today let’s take a look back at our favorite moments of Austin Butler being the best dad ❤️ link in bio for full video of second slide.

view all comments

austinfan18 video of luci running into austin’s arm after two weeks apart you will always be famous!

butlerishh him throwing her in the air LMAO LUCI WAS NOT HAVING FUN

ccgfan HA fr luci was looking at her mom to save her

iloveaustin Can we talk about how proud his mom would be about what a great parent he is?

sharonbleu Austin even has Salma Hayek up in the likes 😉

liked by austinbutler, priscillapresley, and 872, 196 others

coffee.girl Celebrating Luci day should be every day tbh. 🦖💕👁️🐠🪷🌸☃️🥞 @austinbutler and I can’t believe we created this wonderful being, she had to have come from a lab of perfection.

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ashleytisdale Luci told me she’s from Pluto and I believe her. It’s the only logical explanation.

austinbutler Nice use of all of Luci’s favorite emoji’s, she’s going to be so proud. ❤️

jillian.mua The best thing you and Austin ever did and will ever do is have sex three years ago to give the world the best human to walk the Earth

coffee.girl JILLIAN!

ashleybee I’m disgusted but I get what she means

austinbutler Babe close your comment section please

chrisevans Happy bday to the one who is gonna prove aliens exist!

liked by austinbutler, bazluhrmann, and 20,807 others

people Luci Butler turns three today so we must not forget to credit her mother (and best friend) in a world where it seems moms get no recognition for being superhuman.

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user12 imagine using a 3 year olds bday to make some political womens movement statement. mom’s get plenty of recognition.

butlerfamupdates I actually applaud People Magazine for this. All day magazine’s have posted Austin’s cutest moments with Luci and talked about what a wonderful Dad he is - which no one would ever doubt to think he is - but Luci’s mom is very much present as well and deserves love too. Luci loves both her parents. It’s normal for a kid to have favorites, it doesn’t make the other parent ‘bad.’

ccgfan Y/N and Luci sharing their love for open water together and creating sea shell necklaces i cry

ccgfan1 You just know she’s the most supportive and loving mother! Austin and Luci are so lucky to have her!

liked by coffee.girl, austinbutler, and 341, 289 others

ashleytisdale happy birthday to Jupiter’s bestest friend in the whole wide world! We are so lucky to have you in our life Luci ❤️🦖✨

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coffee.girl the cutest besties 👯 🤣

fan23 ashley and aus are bffs now their daughters are too 😭

austinluv STOP my heart can’t take it

liked by ashleybee, ccgfan, and 34, 567 others

butlerfamupdates a cute little insight into Luci’s “THREE-REX” bday party! Posts and reposts from @austinbutler and @coffee.girl IG stories

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sugartreats Thank you for choosing us for her cakes and treats! The sweetest, most beautiful family 🙌🏼 #happybirthdayluci

fan34 so luc is like obsessed w dinos huh 🤔

fan33 austin literally calls her lil dino

fan45 u just know it was luci’s idea to put a tutu on the scary t rex LMAO

sugarcakes Oh it was! Her parents brought her in and Miss Luci was very specific with what she wanted haha

liked by ashleytisdale, oliviadejonge, and others

jillian.mua Happy birthday cool girl 🥳 I love you

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austinbutler vibin’

ashleybee oh gosh i wanna kiss those cheeks

oliviadejonge i wanna be her when i grow up ✨🥳

coffee.girl @austinbutler trendsetter 😂❤️

liked by austin12 and others

austinbnews via Austin’s IG story for Luci’s birthday! Happy birthday sweet Luci 🎂 ♥️

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austinfan23 she’s taking after her parents with her love of books 🥹

ccgfan yes Y/N and Austin built Luci her personal little library 😭

butlerupdates Austin taking a picture of Luci taking a picture of Y/N — ICONIC

liked by ashleebee, coffee.girl, and 1,235,096 others

austinbutler happy birthday lil dino ♥️

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coffee.girl … and she’s out for the count

jillian.mua @coffee.girl she had a busy day bossing everyone around

ashleytisdale @austinbutler please tell me you at least wiped the cake frosting off her face

austinbutler @ashleytisdale I’m not dealing with that tantrum when she wakes up

coffee.girl @austinbutler neither am I smart move

ashleybee I LOVE HERRRR

LMAOOOO MCCALL WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY WORKING ON THIS BEFORE YOU TEXTED ME TODAY ASKING ABOUT LUCI ?!???? OUR BRAINSSS INTERCONNECTED 🙌🏼❤️❤️❤️❤️ happy birthday mccall love you and your little universe and luci and ccg so much you’re awesome

[nereidprinc3ss]

Hey I know this sounds stupid but knowing that mgg is only into white girls makes me sad lol and recently it’s all I’ve been thinking about while reading Spencer fanfics 😭

Okok someone said something abt him only dating skinny girls earlier in my inbox so let me say a few things abt this

1. He is just a man. You are superior to him and you do not need his validation

2. Realistically you will never be able to prove that he would NOT be into you if you ever met because you probably won’t so you should tell yourself he would until proven otherwise

3. He has said before one of his crushes is claire huxtable AND to the other person also he at one point said he likes curvier women and just because he’s only publicly dated mostly a specific type of girl that does not mean he’s never privately dated people who look different than that

4. People tend to have this idea that we know all of his relationships but the ones we HAVE seen are only a fraction of the ones he has had. Celebrities are a lot better at keeping relationships under wraps than we are led to believe. He has had gfs that he didn’t want anyone to know about so we never knew about them, as have most celebrities. He has dated people we have never seen and we have no idea what they look like!!

5. If he actually were exclusively attracted to or exclusively dated white women or stick thin women that would make him a freak who does not deserve your time or attention or energy! Normal ppl do not exclusively date one physical “type” that is some Patrick Bateman shit. But I doubt that’s the case w him anyway! And one more time you’ll never actually have to find out so don’t worry abt it too much you are a bad bitch and you could pull anyone u wanted

Anyway I don’t wanna sound crazy and I don’t wanna promote craziness so guys pls do not base your self esteem on this random ass man and what u perceive him to be attracted to he is unemployed and irrelevant to your life and his hairline is receding mwah u r perfect

Additionally Spencer reid is not mgg and does not share his taste in women he is fake and can be however u want him to be his type in women is whatever u look like bc he’s fake

[sunshine-jesse]

Ashley Graves Did Something Wrong

TCOAL plays a lot of fun games with the ways it makes you perceive events. From the title screen itself, to various pieces of official art, it primes you to accept certain narratives surrounding the game. Namely, the one that Ashley is very not good. She is, in fact, very bad! And it's pretty easy to see why- many of her actions fit neatly into the mold of an abuser. She's controlling, she tries to deflect blame, gaslights Andrew into making him take the blame for things she pushed him to do to begin with, and harasses other women to ruin his relationships with them.

It's all so easy, and makes so much sense. Case closed.

Right? Well, no. But actually yes! But actually, it's not that simple.

Y'see, as I said, the game establishes this framing from the get-go. It introduces us to our, uh, heroes and tells us in no uncertain terms that Ashley is bad and Andrew is a non-entity. It sets this framing intentionally so that many players will engage in a little quirk of human psychology called…

Confirmation bias!

I'm sure we all know what that is, right? Well, for those who don't, it's when we start with a bias towards something- or an idea of how things SHOULD be- and view every piece of evidence as confirmation that said bias is correct. The game, very blatantly, does this with Ashley's actions by priming us to see them as part of an abuse dynamic, with her as the primary abuser. And, indeed, it's not too hard to dig into Andrew's behavior and figure out that he, too, is fucked up and awful and come to the conclusion that their relationship was mutually fucked up and abusive. I did that in my last two essays, so I won't cover that ground again here. With this, it's easy to think that they bring out the worst in each other and that any relationship they have would be toxic, fucked up, dark, and every other word or phrase that describes the same idea, whether it makes them happy or not.

… But what if I told you that this, too, was an intentional misdirection?

So. Let us, for a moment, completely remove the framing that their relationship is toxic. Let us remove the framing that their relationship is abnormal or aberrant. Let's even remove the framing that either one of them is responsible for the harm of the other. I'm not arguing that any of this is not the case. Please, for the love of god, do not think that I am, if only so you can take the rest of what I have to say seriously. What I'm doing is trying to examine the two of them free of as many preconceptions as I can, using nothing but textual evidence and inference to figure out why Andrew and Ashley treat each other the way they do.

I will later examine why they MIStreat each other too, but first comes the reasons they treat each other well.

I'm going to start with Andrew, because, despite being the more complex of the two, it's actually pretty easy to figure out why he treats Ashley the way he does based on what he says. Let's go all the way back to the earliest known incident between the two in the story, where the two of them were at their most, uh, "pure," for lack of a better word: The cupcake scene.

Leyley was supposedly a problem child. She was neglected by her parents, disliked by her friends, and had nobody else but Andrew to rely on. She got nothing- absolutely nothing- from anyone else. And so, Andrew decided to celebrate her birthday, by buying her the cupcakes she wanted, by giving her what she lacked from others. By providing for her, and taking care of her. All he wanted was to make her happy, more than anything else. And, as Nina learned the hard way, at the expense of everyone else.

He doesn't lack empathy, per se. Andy just loves Leyley more than he loves anyone else by such a wide margin that his desire to provide for her overrides his fear of consequences… until those consequences threaten to separate the two of them.

That is a very Gender Roles thing to do. More on that later.

So. Ashley. Everyone's favorite disaster. Why does she treat Andrew the way she does? What does she provide for him? Well, isn't it obvious? She, too, wants to provide for him. Remember, she wanted the lemon cupcake because she thought it's what HE wanted. She also does most of the chores around the house. She prepares food, cleans the house, and does their laundry. She also provides for his non-sexual physical needs by offering him comfort whenever he needs it. It makes her feel useful. Wanted. Needed.

Ah, another very Gender Roles thing to do. See where I'm going with this?

The two neatly fit into a standard husband/wife relationship in a lot of ways. It's THE platonic ideal of such a relationship, actually! They make each other happy and provide WHAT THEY THINK the other really wants. It's really cute and perfect! As long as you ignore all the bad.

ignore all the bad …ignore all the bad… But we obviously shouldn't ignore all the bad. That would be ridiculous.

What I want to do is, instead, examine where the bad comes from, and why it's there. With the abuser/abused dynamic in mind, it's pretty easy to come to the conclusion that a mutual desire for control and power over the other is the sole determining factor. It's arguably the Central Theme of the game, and maybe a big part of what Nemlei is trying to convey. But, like, why should it end there? Why should that be where the analysis ends? There's a reason for everything.

They don't want to control each other for its own sake. They don't want to control each other solely to cover their own insecurities.

So why?

Ashley, first. She's obviously an insecure little monster, having never received the validation that she needs to really come into her own as a person. She keeps seeking it. Keeps trying to provide for Andrew. Keeps trying to make herself useful. Now, let's look at her calls towards Julia:

"DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!? Just because you can fuck him and I can't?"

Ah, wait, hold on a minute.

"You think that's love?! Are you fucking delusional?? Cumdumpsters like you are just that."

Where does that wording come from?

"He will never love you. Not like he loves me. I am the only one. I am everything."

She doesn't need validation just for the sake of her insecurities. She needs it because she needs Andrew to be happy, and in her mind, she's the only one who can provide it. She knows him better than anyone else. She can see how happy she seems to make him, and that nobody else can do what she does. She knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she makes Andrew more comfortable than anyone. She knows how important physical affection is to him. She can feel it. She doesn't lack empathy towards his plight or feelings; she has more of it than anyone, actually!

But Andrew, crucially, never seems to provide her any validation for this, even though she knows better. That's why she's so insecure.

"But wait," you might say, "didn't he, literally, fucking kill for her?"

Yes. But he always tries to place the blame on Ashley or use her as a scapegoat, when he was the one who pulled the trigger. He never accepts even the smallest amount of responsibility. And if a man can't even take responsibility for the violence he inflicts on others, what does that say about him? What does it say about how much he actually cares? oh. more gender roles. huh.

In Ashley's mind, that validation isn't validation because he didn't do it to prove he cared about her. He did it to shut her up. And… he never says anything to the contrary. He refuses to. All his validation is depressingly, overbearingly conditional.

His words always come with a caveat. They're always said in spite of something. They lack warmth. They lack kindness. They lack affection. She is never, ever given a key to lock the door to her insecurities…

…even though Andrew obviously has that key. He just refuses to give it to her.

But why?

Society! :D

There is something so fundamentally, obviously wrong with the way Andrew feels towards Ashley. She is a tar soul. A pariah. So horrid that her parents don't want her, so obviously bad that even demons don't want her. And yet Andrew, in spite of everything, still wants her. He wants to take care of her, when society tells him not to bother. He wants to protect her from other men, and even from herself. It manifests as jealousy because…

He, too, thinks the only one qualified to provide for Ashley is himself, because he was the only one who ever had. Violence comes so naturally to him that he takes it for granted. He kills for her, threatens to physically assault her when he thinks she's putting herself in danger.

It's so second nature to him that he thinks it should obviously be enough. But it isn't. His violence is so second nature as to be passive. It's non-committal. And what Ashley wants is committment.

But because of how society views Ashley, and how the world would view a romantic relationship between them, he can't truly commit to her. He can't give her the validation she really needs, because everything and everyone has told him that it's wrong. That she's wrong. And all his parents ever taught him is to be afraid of how others will react to that wrongness.

hey look, a man fearing the commitment a woman wants from him! more gender stereotypes!! I wonder what this game is trying to say!!!

Maybe I'm crazy or something. Maybe I'm just looking into it too deep. But I don't really care. I don't care if this is the intended reading, and neither should you. The fact of the matter is that most of the things that define them as toxic are not their fault. Most of the reasons they mistreat each other come from without, rather than within. The only reason they can't love each other is because the world tells them not to. Because it expects them to fill certain roles, to be certain people.

But Ashley can only ever be herself.

Maybe someone who's an actual expert on this subject matter could weigh in and give a true feminist reading. But me? I'm just here to point out patterns. I'm just here to point out facts. And one of those facts is that, to the world around her, Ashley did something wrong: She was born.

The Steam reviews of this game are fucking funny, but a lot of them say one thing that couldn't be further from the truth:

"I can fix her!"

No, you can't. She's only 'broken' in the context of her environment.

But in the words of another analyst:

It's madness to expect tar to behave like water.

So cut them some slack! They might finally succeed in a world that wanted nothing more than for them to fail. It's not our right to take that away from them.

[idontmindifuforgetme]

u don’t have to answer this if u don’t want to or u feel u don’t have anything to say on it (obvi) but how do u deal with jealousy and comparison?

i genuinely just like my shit. i love how i look like, i love my stuff, i love where i come from, i love my family and friends, and i appreciate all the circumstances (good and bad) that have led me to be the person i am today. i've done a lot of esteemable things that have bolstered my confidence growing up, like getting an extremely hard degree and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone more than ever before. i treat other people w kindness and respect. i make sure to be a source of support rather than needless negativity. what people think of me (or have) doesn't get under my skin anymore, bc i've already proven my worth to myself. the fact of the matter is, i'll always hold my own opinion of myself higher than i do other people's opinions of me. i'm at a place where i just don't care that much. i've lost the need to correct people on their takes of me a long time ago.

my own happiness is king--everything else is secondary. if i like it, that's enough for me.

i find it pointless to compare myself to somebody else, simply because no two people have been dealt the exact same cards. i wouldn't compare a rose to a lily, so why should i be comparing myself to people who're--no matter who they are, no matter where they're from--never gonna be me? i'm me. the only person i should be comparing myself to is my past self. i am only in competition w myself. that is all.

as for jealousy, viewing people who have things i want as proof of concept has really helped. if another person gets a higher score on a test, i don't get jealous that they outdid me. i just view them as proof that i can get that score if i studied more efficiently. someone else's success isn't a lack of your own--it's just proof you can reach that success, even if the route doesn't look exactly the same, even if it might take longer.

contentment is entirely subjective. i've known wealthy people who're incredibly miserable. i've known people who struggle financially but could not be happier. other people's advantages don't rattle me, bc i don't care about them, bc i'm so eternally grateful for what i already have. i've also never really been that materialistic to begin with, so i've always understood that a person's worth lies in who they are rather than what they own (whether it be things, money, opportunities...). i can say w my whole chest that i wouldn't swap places w the most famous, most rich celebrity there is. i legitimately don't want to. i know that even if i have to work harder for things, i'll have more to say by the end of it all, and that in and of itself is so profound. not to mention the satisfaction from having challenged myself to get there--and i love a good challenge.

i've unleared the idea that i should view other women as competition. life is hard, we all struggle, we'll be living in a man's world for a long time, and it's just not worth the energy. yeah i'm ambitious, but not at the expense of other people. there's enough room for everyone. another woman's achievement doesn't mean less space for mine. we'll all be fine.

w all that said!! there are bad days. no human is just confident all the time, doesn't feel jealous all the time, doesn't compare themself all the time, doesn't let people's opinions get under their skin all the time. don't feel bad for doing it every now and then. it's natural and normal and just part of the human experience. nobody is perfect. just focus on you, view other people as inspiration rather than competition, and compare your progress to nobody else's but your own. it's been a game changer for me :)

[luciferfemme]

LESBIAN ASKS: the SHE-QUEL (messy edition?)

What are some real thoughts about the community that you don’t always feel like you can say?

Are you a messy dyke (relationship-wise or friendship-wise?)

Are you a UHaul Lesbian? If so is this something you like or dislike about yourself?

Do you fall in love easily?

Do you enjoy casual sex?

Have you ever fallen for a best friend?

Have you ever fallen for a straight girl?

Whose aesthetic would you like to steal?

At one Tumblr user and tell them something nice

Do you think you could be happy alone?

Do you like tacky things?

How has your style and taste changed since you came out?

Have you ever dated a man and what was that experience like?

Tell me about your significant other. Now’s your time to gush.

Have you ever had a best friend that you HATED their partner? Did you tell them?

Do you think you have good taste in partners? (Be Honest)

Do you feel comfortable around straight people?

What’s your favorite part about pride?

What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done (that isn’t like actually “gay”?)

Who is your role model?

What is your relationship like with your parent(s)?

Did you lose friends coming out?

Tell me a gay secret.

What advice would you give to those just coming out (baby gays?)

If you could excommunicate one LGBTQIA+ person from the community who would it be and why?

What is your favorite part about being a lesbian (and you can’t just say, women)

What is your favorite line of Sapphic poetry (not necessarily written by Sappho herself just in general)

What was your Aha moment regarding your sexuality?

What was a sign you should have recognized sooner that you were gay?

Did you have any celebrity crushes growing up? 

Tell me your idea of the most romantic date you could imagine? Have you ever been on it?

What’s your favorite lesbian joke (you cannot say yourself)

What is your favorite lesbian love story (real or fiction)

Who do you most admire?

Write a love letter without using the words love, beautiful, or handsome

What is a piece of media you wish existed but doesn’t?

We all have terrible opinions sometimes, what’s something you had a bad opinion about but you’ve grown on?

Have you told yourself you are fabulous, beautiful, handsome, lovable, worthy today?

Tell me about your bestie

At someone on Tumblr and tell me your favorite thing about them.

At someone on Tumblr and describe their style without using the word -core.

How do you feel about the word dyke?

Could you fall in love with someone from the internet who didn’t leave near you? Have you?

Tell me about an embarrassing story regarding love or relationships

What’s one thing you wish people understood about lesbians?

How would you describe your own style (without using the word -core)

How do you really feel about Valentine’s Day?

Favorite ally?

If you could only pick one item of clothing/makeup/footwear/jewelry to wear forever from the items you already own what would it be and why? (Bonus points if you include a photo)

What gives you absolute joy as a lesbian?

Say something nice about yourself.

If not on anon say something nice about the person who sent you this ask.

Do you enjoy Pride?

What is your type?

What are you looking for in a partner?

If you could manifest one thing for yourself this year what would it be?

Who makes you feel joy?

How do you feel about the lesbian flag?

What is your favorite color combination?

What creature do you align yourself with? (Vampires, werewolves, witches, etc)

What would bring you joy at this moment?

What would "fix you"?

Who did you want to be when you grew up?

Do you ever want to get married if you're not already?

Are you a plant gay? Show off your plants or tell me about your favs.

What is your favorite fantasy (sexual or not)

Who comes to mind immediately when I say lesbian icon?

Who comes to mind immediately when I say lesbian trash?

Besides teleportation what's one superpower you think would make your life better and why?

[mocca-and-stars]

Roomies

Hwang Yeji x Male Reader

Yeji it's a weird kind of roomie... She isn't a bad company, but most of the time it's like she isn't there, you don't hear her walk, or eat, or anything, she usually gets in his room and you don't hear anything about her, you don't have a idea of what she can be doing, and also, she is a good girl... But for the little things you knows, it's your dream girl, you are usually the one who cook's, and you have no problem with it, you always make sure to make food for her, and you knew that she alway eat, because in the morning nothing lefts.

Your life usually is University-Home, you don't go so much to parties and celebrations, but you usually go out to rest in parks, you have a favorite one.

One day you planned an outing to the park, and you go to Yeji's room to advice her that you going out.

You opened his door, and you get surprised, she was crying, so bad, you didn't know what to do, she looked at you, lost, but she didn't seem disgusted or upset, so you tried sitting on her bed.

—Hey— you tried softly —what's happening princess—, "that sounded stupid" you thinked for yourself, she didn't response at all, but she changed his look, like she felt... Aroused? But know she smiles a little, you did something good.

She take his time, but she responded —I'm tired, I'm in this shitty situation, training and giving everything of me, but still not being enough for the people around me— you thinked your response, but after a deep breath, you finally close your eyes and tell her —i see, you have fear of deception, and reject, but instead of that, maybe you should get round by people who really appreciate who you are— her eyes are glowing, you can see it clearly.

You helped her to get up —Let's go, i will take you to a special place— she nodded, of course, you don't know what are you doing, your friends will kill you, but who cares? You are about to taking in a date a sexy girl who was your roomie for like three years and you barely talked to each other.

You get to a "secret" cafeteria, usually there are only 2 o 3 guys, and you bring her there, because there is where you go when the world is consuming you.

You two asked for a coffee and talked for HOURS all the time you didn't talked in the shared place you talked there, now you are sure that she is your dream girl.

How could you complain if she looks like that? You two go back to the shared place, everything felt better, like always has to be like that, you two were taking hands, you feel incredible, for the first time in years you were with a women, and THE women, before you two entered to the house she stopped you.

—Thank you— she said —but now we aren't roomies anymore— you didn't understand what she mean, but she responded your doubt with the best thing you could ever imagine, she is kissing you, right now, in this moment, your roomie is kissing you and it felt so right, you loved her, that's for sure.

For a moment you think maybe it's too soon to think about sleep with her, but in the next moment she was on top of you, on his bed.

She took out his white sweater, that was crazy enough to block any thought in your mind, you taked out your t-shirt, response, she was professionally mounting you, his hips were devouring devouring your hardened she, you desired her, but not only in the sexual way, you wanted to make her yours, and also to belong to her, so you grabbed his hips, to catch his lips in a passionate kiss, finally decided to remove his pants.

When both of you are only in underwear, the things were heating up even more, you reach her breasts without the need of asking, in the moment that she doesn't hesitate, you knew that she was trusting in you, you played with her breasts until she almost beg you to stop —Please...— was the only plea you need to hear to remove her bra, and look to her hardened nipples, she blushed a little, but your were too sure to stop, your mouth taked the pace, she taste so good, and her cute moans wasn't helping at all.

While you were eating her nipples, she was touching herself, you felt a little bit angry, and taked her wrist to pin her against the bed, she was in love with your form of dominance, of course if you will restrain her self pleasure, you will have to take care of that, you slide through his panties, you just looked at her, waiting for confirmation, after a nod, you got that pretty girl naked for you, that dream girl was begging for you, for your touch, for your love.

You slide between her legs, you eated her so well, his pussy was so perfect, it tasted so good that only motivated even more to make a better job, see her moaning and happy was the only thing you needed.

When she felt confident enough she regained control to take out your underwear, and suddenly start to suck your cock, maybe you wasn't THAT big, but she look happy, and that's was everything, enough for both of you.

Then you take her to get in missionary, everything it's ready, it's the perfect moment.

Slowly you get inside of her, she hugged you from the neck, moan and squirms made you go slowly, until you filled her, completely, she was so relieved and relaxed, pounding her slowly she started to moan, as you move, you start to play with her clit, after some messy minutes, both of you finally came, ending your rommie relationship ship to get a lover, a couple and everything that you needed.

[tirfpikachu]

this screenshot from another post actually really hit me hard

it's so true... they always do this. trying to make body dysphoria seem inherently worse than body dysmorphia is actually cruel. as someone who developed extremely severe body dysmorphia before dysphoria, i can tell you it's the #1 reason i started hating and harming myself and wanting to die at a young age. i would've 1000% gotten extreme facial plastic surgery to "fix" myself. and while for some it's their road to happiness, if i had it... it personally would've locked me into this fake version of myself, forever wearing a mask. and whenever i'd see someone looking like my past self, a haunting feeling would've come over me. and yet society was encouraging me to "fix" my perceived flaws. it was insanely normalized. it was seen as almost self-care, and a way to better my chances in life as a "prettier" woman. it really fucked me up. you CANNOT look me in the eyes and say shit like "women just want to xyz bc of beauty standards, it's not the same as my much worse severely debilitating dysphoria" without telling my younger self and other young girls that her life-threatening suffering wasn't bad enough, wasn't painful enough, wasn't as bad as anything a trans person goes through. it assumes so fucking much about dysmorphic people. don't brush us off so easily. don't put yourself as inherently in a worse situation when societal misogyny costs real lives. especially since for me, it came from initial bullying at a young age, like many other girls who hate their own bodies & faces. stop belittling our pain.

my dysphoria was very debilitating too, and made me a trans activist for life. but it did come with risks. i developed reverse dysphoria quite quickly after i started growing stubble, and now i'm stuck with that painful dysphoria until i can get expensive laser hair removal. if this is how transfems feel like about their own stubble, holy shit... i'm so fucking sorry. that's a truly horrible feeling. what i can tell you though, is that this is actually a cousin sensation to dysmorphia. dysmorphia & dysphoria aren't as separated as y'all might want them to be, which would make things must simpler ofc. but it's the feeling of visceral disgust, of your body not being good enough, not being you enough. that sucks to think about; we don't want to empower the transphobic crowd into thinking they can magically fix us all. and so, many activists and dysphoric people try to compensate by portraying them as experiences that are completely foreign to one another. as never being related or feeling similar at all, ever. but the thing is, as a previously chronically dysphoric & dysmorphic detrans chick, i can tell you first-hand that it doesn't help anyone to pretend that these aren't often comorbid disorders, and that they actually really do feel similar. and that's okay! no one should take all your treatment options away just because of that. that would be shitty, transphobic, and honestly ableist. but we gotta encourage ppl & their doctors to do due diligence (which my doctor and trans community didn't) and be open to everybody about the risk of regret, of reverse dysphoria, of things not working out the way we think they will. because all that at the very least makes detransitions less painful, even if you personally never detransition. detransitions can lead to very extreme self-hatred, and all the unfortunate consequences of self-hatred. it is a very vulnerable place to be in, and we want to prevent harm. more and more folks are detransitioning because of a lack of information and a focus on celebrating someone's transition early instead of giving proper information. the same should be done with dysmorphic folks - i am both a post-dysphoric and post-dysmorphic person. but many dysmorphic people cannot function without getting surgeries.

and while this is honestly tragic, as anyone needing to go under the knife at all is tragic in a sense... sometimes it is the only life-saving treatment option for the person. for me, i feel so fucking proud of my survival despite years of debilitating disgust at myself, my body and my face. both in a dysphoric and dysmorphic way. but i do not look down on anyone who did have to go through surgeries. i'm just happy to see them smile and feel good about themselves, honestly. but it is a bit bittersweet. how was it, before surgeries, to be dysphoric? to be dysmorphic? i want to read more stories from those eras. how did people find inner peace? did they, in the end? how many didn't survive? what did they have to say? i feel a strange sense of yearning, sometimes. heteropatriarchal society is really weird. it triggers dysmorphia in so many young girls & transmascs. it can also trigger temporary dysphoria in some people, and even permanent dysphoria. and just because certain societal things are a factor in your dysphoria doesn't mean you're lesser for it either - your suffering matters. just like dysmorphic suffering. hating yourself at all is so fucking painful. i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy, or i'd at least strongly hesitate and they'd need to be an actual monster to deserve it. i love dysphoric & dysmorphic people so fucking much. i don't want us to fight eachother, or shame eachother for seeking treatments when things become too much for us to bear. we need to uplift one another. do everything we can to lessen these feelings in ourselves, of course, as a community of people who hate their bodies and place in society. but if someone chooses to cross over, to take hormones, to have surgeries... i just don't want them to regret it, that's all. and if they don't? if they're happy? i would hug them and breathe a sigh of relief as well. i'd feel bittersweet, almost nostalgic, because i've been there. people who haven't been severely dysphoric or dysmorphic don't fucking understand. hopefully they never will.

[a-big-apple]

Gideon, Harrow, and "Wedding Vows"

i frequently see the interpretation that this:

"The land that shall receive thee dying, in the same will I die: and there will I be buried. The Lord do so and so to me, and add more also, if aught but death part me and thee," said Gideon. (GtN 438)

plus this:

"If I forget you, let my right hand be forgotten," her mouth was saying. "Add more also, if aught but death part me and thee." And, unsteadily: "Griddle." (HtN 360)

plus this:

It didn't even matter when Kiriona said, "Sure, Cam. Marry a moron, then die. I get the urge." (NtN 372)

equals Gideon and Harrow are married! crying face emoji!

i'm not disparaging that interpretation, i think it's valid and has some basis in the text, and even if it wasn't/didn't, i think fans should have all the fun they want. but for me, it doesn't fully capture the complexity of what Gideon and Harrow are to each other, and i want to explore a slightly less straightforward reading.

Catholic weddings, vows, and Ruth under the cut ;)

Gideon and Ninth House traditions

let's start with Gideon quoting Ruth. i've seen folks repeating the idea that this is a wedding vow. it's more accurate to say that this is a verse often used as a wedding vow, in other denominations of Christianity, and secularly as well. but in a (traditional) Catholic wedding, the couple can't write or choose their own vows--the Celebration of Matrimony has specific text, with one or two variations, that is always used.

now, we haven't seen a Ninth House marriage ceremony. if we do see such a thing in AtN and discover that Ruth 1:17 is part of that tradition, i will cry a million happy queer tears about it. but i think it's somewhat likely that Gideon has never even seen a Ninth House wedding, given how small and trending elderly the population is, and that we know no couples in her lifetime have had kids other than the Reverend Parents.

what i'm getting at here is that this quotation from Ruth doesn't seem, to me, to represent something that's religiously or traditionally binding in Ninth House culture. it uses some similar language to Catholic marriage vows, "until death do us part" etc, but i don't think these are words that make them married in the eyes of the Ninth or the Houses at large, i think these are words Gideon has chosen as a specific expression of her devotion. and where does she get them from, if not some Ninth House ceremony or scripture?

well, this is a slightly longer stretch, but at the point in the story when Gideon says this, she's already dead. Harrow has begun to absorb her--and thanks to "The Unwanted Guest," we know that souls are porous, permeable, and rub off on each other when they're in contact. Gideon's soul is at this moment being integrated into Harrow's; Harrow has certainly read all kinds of books on the Ninth ranging from usual to totally heretical, some of them probably extremely old, and it's not unreasonable to think writings from before the Resurrection might have been copied and recopied into something Harrow could access. And speaking of soul permeability, Harrow's had Alecto's soul clinging onto hers for seven years, and Alecto's soul is in intimate contact with John's soul--there are so many ways for this bit of scripture to make its way into Gideon's non-corporeal mouth. the STI (Soulfully Transmitted Infection) of biblical knowledge.

Ruth in context

now let's talk a little about Ruth, the book of the Bible and also the character of the Bible, and Naomi, who she is swearing her devotion to. tl;dr, Naomi and her husband and two grown sons are Israelites who immigrate to Moab, a "pagan" nation, to escape famine. Naomi's two sons marry Moabite women; then the sons both die, as does Naomi's husband. Naomi, having lost everything, decides to return home where she'll be penniless and have a bad life but at least she'll be among her people; she tells her two daughters-in-law to go back to their families. One of them goes.

The other, Ruth, refuses, and swears beautiful devotion to Naomi, as we've heard Gideon quote: "She answered: Be not against me, to desire that I should leave thee and depart: for whithersoever thou shalt go, I will go: and where thou shalt dwell, I also will dwell. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. The land that shall receive thee dying, in the same will I die: and there will I be buried. The Lord do so and so to me, and add more also, if aught but death part me and thee."

in a biblical context, this has nothing to do with a wedding vow. Ruth is promising to leave the comfort of her own people, religion, and homeland to stay with her mother-in-law Naomi, even though the connection they had (Naomi's son, Ruth's husband) is gone, and all they have to look forward to is a terrible life of grief and bitterness. this is frequently interpreted as a parallel to Jesus, who (in the religious perspective) made the sacrifice of leaving his place with God and becoming human out of devotion to humanity, in order to live and suffer and redeem us. woof, this is giving me flashbacks to CCD.

of course, many Christians resist interpreting what passes between Ruth and Naomi as resembling a wedding vow for homophobic reasons too--making it about Jesus is a way to make it less queer--but i think the point still stands that this is a more complicated, and less marriage-related, expression of love than it seems taken on its own.

Harrow's lamentation

when Harrow later echoes it back, she conflates it with a different biblical quotation: "On the willows in the midst thereof we hung up our instruments. For there they that led us into captivity required of us the words of songs. And they that carried us away, said: Sing ye to us a hymn of the songs of Sion. How shall we sing the song of the Lord in a strange land? If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand be forgotten. Let my tongue cleave to my jaws, if I do not remember thee: If I make not Jerusalem the beginning of my joy."

it's a lament, an expression of mourning, a longing for home from someone who has been forcibly removed from it. when combined with the Ruth quotation, in which Ruth is giving up her home in her devotion, this really reads to me as both Harrow's grief, immediate and overpowering, and a realization that Gideon is her home, and failing to acknowledge that is as disabling as the loss of a hand or of the power of speech. Gideon is the beginning of her joy, and Harrow is, in this moment, putting Gideon above the Ninth House in her devotion. above Alecto. above everything.

and again, i'm not saying all of that can't be about marriage, but it's about a relationship much more complicated than marriage can encompass in the context House cultural norms.

Kiriona Gaia, saddest girl

this brings me to Kiriona, and "marry a moron, then die." consider the context of this, and the tone. Kiriona's deeply, deeply hurt. the saddest girl in the universe. she died for Harrow, avowed her devotion to Harrow, and then (from her perspective) was rejected; buried; excised from Harrow's brain and then from her body. Kiriona, as she did when she was Gideon, covers her emotions with humor and sarcasm. i suspect she's even less able to handle being vulnerable as Kiriona than she ever was before. she's making light of Canaan House and what happened there, and it's only in sarcastically downplaying what she's been through that she recounts her relationship to Harrow as a marriage--something she has almost no positive examples of, something that is in her experience frequently political and joyless. also notably, she frames it as a marriage that occurred before she died.

Their actual vow

what Gideon (and Kiriona) really wants--she tells us over and over again--is to be a true cavalier.

and what does Gideon's ghost repeat right before she devastates us with Ruth 1:17?

"One flesh, one end," said Gideon, and it was a murmur now, on the very edge of hearing. Harrow said, "Don't leave me." (GtN 438)

it's taken me a dozen paragraphs just to propose that this is their vow. "One flesh, one end" are the actual words that need to be spoken, in Gideon and Harrow's cultural context, to bring them into an official union with each other; a union that is arguably more fundamental in the Houses, and certainly more complicated, than a marriage. a union Gideon specifically wants, and has seen in action.

in the pool, they vow to each other as cavalier and necromancer. in the moments before Gideon's death, she forgives Harrow again, and exposes her heart: "'You know I only care about you,' she said in a brokenhearted rush" (GtN 430). then she repeats their oath again, acknowledges the pain she's about to cause for Harrow, and rededicates herself to the Ninth--a place she never really belonged, Harrow's home and people more than her own, as Ruth dedicated herself to Naomi's home and people. Gideon "married" her moron in the pool, and now she dies to fulfill that vow.

and as we saw above, after Gideon's death, she reminds Harrow again of their union--of its importance, of how she's fulfilling what she has interpreted to be her whole purpose as a cavalier--and it's in response to Harrow's "don't leave me" that Gideon offers a final reassurance of her devotion. in her mind, this sacrifice is its ultimate expression, the most inextricable and undeniable union two people can achieve.

Gideon believes she'll be part of Harrow forever.

[seresinsbabe]

Hi Ash!! Congrats on the 1K!!! For the celebration, could I get a blurb with Jake with the angst prompt “Am I the reason you cry every night?” and the fluff prompt "i've loved you since the moment i first laid my eyes on you." (Jake says both of these), pretty please? Thanks!!!

Thank you thank you!!!! you've been one of my biggest supporters and I am truly so thankful for you!

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x fem!reader

Warnings: 18+ mdni! nothing bad, just angst, tears and fluff

Ash's 1K Follower Celebration

This was the last thing he wanted. In fact he had never wanted this. Seeing tears well up in your eyes until they fell in fat drops down your cheeks had his heart in a vice grip.

He knew those tears were his fault. However he'd never thought that he'd hurt you this bad.

"I'm the reason you cry every night?"

Hearing the words repeated to you made you feel even worse. It was so stupid to be this upset over him. Jake had made you feel like you were on top of the world. Like you were the only girl that mattered and then he would shatter the façade. Just when you thought he'd finally give in to what you thought he'd been feeling. Or at least the feelings he'd been leading you on to believe he had it would all come crashing down. Jake would have some pretty girl, the opposite of everything you were, on his arm. And your heart would break a little bit more.

That wasn't what Jake thought he was doing.

In his mind you were too good for him. That you would never slum it with a cocky asshole like him. Even if he was pretty he didn't feel he deserved you.

All those girls were his way of trying to get over you. It never worked - because they weren't you.

Never had he thought that he was hurting you. You swallowed hard and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to will away the tears and will up the courage to finally speak.

"I shouldn't I know I just-" you took a deep breath to keep yourself calm. "Jake you make me so happy. Make me feel so good like we could be something and then you go and pull the rug out from under me when you walk in with those women. Women that I could never compete with." You felt like you sounded so pathetic. Pouring your heart out to this man who thought of you as nothing more than a friend.

Jake's came out to cup your cheek, pushing ever so slightly to get you to look at him. "Beautiful, I never wanted those women. They were my attempt at getting over you." It sounded like he meant it, but your brain couldn't wrap around the idea that Jake wanted you in that way.

Confusion warped your features.

"What?"

He chuckled softly. "I've loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you."

Disbelief combined with the confusion. Jake Seresin loved you? Jake Seresin has always loved you. "Then why..."

He shrugged. "I didn't think I deserved you. You're too good for me."

You frowned. How could you be too good for him? It should be the other way around.

"But it's true and if you give me the chance I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never shed another tear." His other hand cupped your face, his eyes searching yours.

Softly your head nodded and Jake's mouth formed a saccharine smile before they melded with yours. He pulled away as soon as he felt something wet hit his cheek.

"No, no more tears." The pad of his callused thumb swept along your cheek, wiping away the liquid.

You gave him another peck and pulled away, wiping your own tears this time. "It's okay, they're happy tears."