#i think this could be said about most subcultures from periods of time. but i do feel scene and emo were more heavily reliant on the culture

[creepiefarm]

With some music based subcultures like scene and emo, what do you consider to be some core features or values of both? Also, would you happen to know of any accurate resources online to learn more about them?

with emo values and features, i had my good friend @iront33th help me phrase this bc they're way better at putting emo To Words:

"honestly unapologetically emotional, it was always about being open when stuff like mental illness, self harm and absent parents was considered taboo. and it talked about things no one wanted to talk about at the time.

obviously sonically there's a certain sound, like not just any song about anxiety or depression could be considered emo. otherwise ppl like logic could be emo LMAO bc musically it stemmed from post hardcore, so that combo of heavy instrumentals with emotionally heavy lyrics i think rly encapsulate what emo was truly all about.

i think in part the newfound openness about this stuff also made people unapologetic in their appearance as well, there was the basics set by the goth and punk and metal movements so ppl found their personal ways of being "different". and obviously when the big bands in the scene had dyed fringe and studded belts and those rubber hot topic bracelets it carried over to their audiences."

for me as well emo is about being unapologetically emotional, and talking about things no one wants to talk about or acknowledge. emo art and poetry play a big role in it too, as much as the fashion does. (emo is always about the music Most and First, fashion n culture was secondary) probably when you read this you're gonna say "but ppl talk about parental issues all the time?" but we didn't in the early 2000s! and that leads into my next point, i mean this very genuinely and not in a gate-keepy way,

you had to be there. there are posts or videos that do a decent job showcasing or talking about aspects of emo culture, and i do believe it still Exists, i mean i'm emo and i know other emo ppl. but it's changed so much and the, Feeling and Experience just doesn't exist the same as it did back then. i was very young then, but my older brother practically Lived in hot topic so i was exposed to a lot of it, even if i couldn't participate in the culture until i was older. (the change is not all for the worse tho, old emo culture had a lot of issues w fatphobia, lgbtphobia, it could be very exclusionary to poc, etc.)

scene does not, in my opinion, have a core value or message. scene was a subculture of emo, it came from crunk and rave culture. it was mostly about the fashion, looking good and having fun would be the only core meanings. don't get me wrong, i Love scene fashion! but it's like...emo for people who weren't as depressed ig lol? it's hard to even pin down scene music in the way u can with emo.

resources like...look up old hair tutorials or lyric videos. listen to the music that was popular then, there's plenty of accounts dedicated to old pics too. but emo is smth that varied a Lot by region and person and year. it's kinda too broad to say "oh just go read X" or whatever

[lithuanianking]

Someone said my art reminded them of family guy yesterday. I don't quite understand. I'm not taking any offense to it I don't necessarily understand?(they claimed this about the first one) I think it might he because it's a cartoony art style but it still has all basic humanoid features (except the hands which are 4 instead of 5) to elaborate,in cases like eddsworld and such they don't have noses or how some animators on YouTube don't include eyes or mouths. But it still contains cartoony elements and the features are still slightly exaggerated. Not sure that's just my interpretation.

I will no exsplain each drawing

1.

Indented to be characters Spike and Darkstar from epithet erased. I picture them being close friends because they allways are kinda near eachotther on missions and in fanart. I didn't draw them in any cannon outfit because for Darkstar it's just a hoddie and I find the hoods somewhat difficult to draw and there's so many characters whith hoddies in media's I confuse. I wanted Darkstar to be way under dressed and Spike to look way cooler than him because I have a joke of slandering Darkstar (which I will not elaborate on for the time being) so I took some elements from different subcultures for her outfit but tonned it down a ton so it doesn't necessarily look like she's really apart of any kinda? Not sure.Darkstar looks like he's wearing pajamas kinda. Someone really enjoyed these disigns exspicly the skirt and mismatched socks they were very happy about that skirt.

2.

I have a human disign of fresh sans because he's my favorite and the second image is a rough sketch of it. I definitely need to draw a new version whith the mustache because previously he didn't have it.

3.

He's my dungeons and dragons character. Like most of my characters that are modeled affter me he's a ragging asshole. Not that I'm that much of a jerk at all its just more fun to play those charcthers. He originally had a pink boa,but gave him a Shakespeare collar instead.

4.

Steve martin as orin scrivello In little shop of horrors (the 80s one) I did not make his nose sharp enough or his jacket correct.

5.

Jack fain from bendy and the ink machine humanized.granted he should be much older but I decided anyone who wheres that hat everyday does not deserve to live past the age of 30,so he's about 25 in my interpretation.his nose ended up being hooked because I thought it looked super nice on him,Aldo I really like drawing hooked noses and could use the practice due to not having the best skills in general.im just starting to learn to draw hats so it looks slightly wonky. I made his outfit bright and colorful because frankly all the otther studio workers were boring be whith their sad bage baby colors(and yellow) they all just ended up blending in together even sammy lawernce who is my favorite and usually I try to make my favorites stand out more ended up looking bland. But there was no need to fix what wasn't broken considering it was perfect for that time period. But I needed a pop of color that's where jack comes in. If he's gonna wear that hat everyday he's more likely to wear fun colors and such. Probably not accurate to the time but I don't care,I gave sammy a nose ring I'm not to worried about being realistic.

That's it.wont post art for a long while most likely

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Good points here, but some important stuff is also being missed.

Most importantly: Kurt Cobain’s gender non-conforming clothes were not the result of a “just wear whatever” aesthetic. He chose dresses and other feminine items intentionally.

Sometimes this was framed as a commentary on toxic masculinity and/or homophobia. That would make sense given what a committed feminist and LGBT+ ally he was. It’s definitely possible that he was primarily motivated by making this type of commentary.

He said in interviews that he actively enjoyed wearing dresses. In one he said they made him feel “comfortable, sexy, and free” and described floral prints as feeling “cozy.” Maybe he just found dresses comfortable and/or liked how they looked.

Maybe it was just one or both of those things. But it’s also possible that if he had lived long enough to see the era of greater awareness of gender diversity we have now, he would have identified as something other than his gender assigned at birth. I personally suspect that’s the case, but of course, we’ll never know for certain as he isn’t around to tell us.

Also: Cobain’s GNC aesthetic was far from universal within the “grunge” era/subculture. He did inspire a lot of dudes to try wearing dresses, no doubt about it. But it was hardly typical, and for most who tried it, it was a brief and isolated occurrence. I can’t think of anyone else who wore dresses/feminine stuff nearly as often or who reported doing so in private. Novoselic and Grohl often wore dresses with him, but he was the impetus, and since his death I haven’t heard of either continuing to do so. Long story short, it wasn’t a “grunge” thing, it was a Cobain thing.

Also one thing that’s not so important, but I feel a need to state it as an old person who was around for this stuff: When “grunge” was happening, no one called it “grunge.” I mean, news anchors, fashion writers, major label A&R dudes, and so forth used that word. But not the musicians involved or kids in the subculture. In contemporary terms, saying “grunge” was cringe. “Alternative” was used more often but even that term was mostly frowned upon and seen as cheesy. So what did we call this music genre/subculture/aesthetic instead? Mostly we didn’t call it anything. That doesn’t mean the term isn’t useful now. If anything we need a label more now to distinguish that period in time from others. But it does sound a little weird to my middle-aged ears, and I can’t seem to bring myself to type “grunge” without adding scare-quotes (though others are welcome to).

One last thing worth noting: Part of the reason we were able to have a strong thrift store aesthetic back then was because fast fashion hadn’t happened yet. You could find amazing stuff at thrift stores and vintage shops and it would still have a ton of wear left in it. Not that thrifting and shopping other resale options aren’t still worthwhile, but it was better then.

I hate how so many people in the grunge scene are so gatekeepy with clothes. Like bro. Kurt Cobain literally just wore whatever

[phoenixtakaramono]

Character Design Thoughts for Shen Yuan & Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky in ‘The Untold Tale’

(This is a Follow Up to This Post)

Hello, @averydrearydiana! Loved reading through your tags! I’m excited that you’re excited! Since I’m also seeing comments on AO3 speculating about how our transmigrators are going to appear as in The Untold Tale, I might as well give my current thoughts and have this archived on tumblr for future reference.

A fun fact about TUT is that a lot of the imagery in the story is inspired by Chinese PVs and popular C-dramas and literature. Since TUT is conceived as a lovestory to SVSSS, one element that I’d wanted to incorporate is playful attempts at satirical genre deconstruction. With that comes with me playfully poking fun at some clichés or things I’ve noticed in Chinese works.

Shen Yuan’s Celestial Design

Before I talk about his mortal appearance, I have to give a lil context about his celestial design in the story. We already know what he looks like as the celestial fortuneteller in TUT’s cover art that I’ve already posted on tumblr. As everyone knows, I was heavily inspired by this Chinese PV:

(TUT ch1 - Excerpt)

Among the things I’ve noticed are the fictional characters with white hair. We have a whole subculture of fans liking male character designs with white hair in anime and animation. Taking that a step further, they’ve even shown up in C-dramas, i.e. Teng She from Love and Redemption (technically more blond than platinum white, but shhhhh, just let me have this), Dong Hua Dijun from Eternal Love of Dream aka Three Lives Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (rest assured, I’m aware of the source material’s controversy, but let’s not get into that here), etc. One of the tags for TUT is Opposites Attract. Luo Binghe’s color coordination is aligned with black and red mostly. Now, visually speaking, what’s the opposite of that?

The yin yang symbol.

Fun fact, besides black vs white, green (SY) is the complementary color of red (LBG) on the color wheel. Now taking everything I’ve said, to take it even one step further, my thought process at the time was, “why not go the extra mile then and just have SY be albino? Within context of the Heavenly Realm, that character design makes sense.” TUT is me subtly riffing off what I can (for the good ol’ meta humor), but making the content come across as a legitimate story experience. As Protagonist A and Protagonist B, LBG and SY have to look visually striking together. With all that said, let’s talk about....

(In reference to the original tumblr post)

Shen Yuan (Mortal)

I’ll keep some elements of his albinism from his celestial form (light sensitivity and pale skin mostly), but SY’s mortal form is essentially SY pre-transmigration but within context of the xianxia genre.

For his appearance, let’s just keep this Author’s Note^ and TUT’s summary in the back of our brains. This is the fanvid I was originally inspired by for SY’s mortal appearance:

(TUT Summary - Excerpt)

For what he wears, I’m currently feeling very heavily inspired by this PV:

His mortal appearance wouldn’t be considered as “strange” or “otherworldly” compared to the “ethereal fairy-like beauty” SY retains in the Heavenly Realm, but as a side-effect of the 【PROTAGONIST’S HALO】 and his +20 CHARISMA stat, he would still be considered attractive to people even when he takes on a mortal appearance. (Mainly, I like the idea of Bing gē taking large shots of vinegar seeing SY turning heads no matter which appearance SY takes on, and Luo Binghe glaring at these “insects” for even “daring to lay their unworthy eyes on his fated person.” The thought of it just makes me laugh.)

What I mean by how SY’s mortal form being very much based on how SY appeared pre-transmigration but in the xianxia genre context, I mean he’ll have his dark hair (but longer), a “scholarly air” (as a nod to his novelist background), dark eyes, and even his glasses technically (the divine monocle mentioned in ch3, which is also a subtle nod to Sha Po Lang and a riff on men wearing monocles in other Chinese works andit’salsoforeshadowingbutshhhh).

(TUT ch3 - Excerpt)

Shen Yuan originally was an author in his forties pre-transmigration, so I like the idea him having a mature air about him in the Cultivation World as well. So for both our Protagonist B’s celestial and mortal appearances, the idea is that you can look at him and immediately recognize him as a protagonist of the danmei setting. My only two prerequisites are that his appearance screams “hello, I’m Protagonist B” and that he appears in “scholarly” attire.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Mortal)

Keeping in mind the original tumblr post where I wrote my thoughts on who I’m transmigrating him as, currently I’m thinking it’s a combination of these two PVs for his mortal form:

As a nod to him being a successful novelist, I wanted him to also appear scholarly. A scholarly crown prince, if you will. For his attire, imagine all the C-drama clothing you’ve seen actors wear in period dramas, and you already have a good idea already of the direction I’m heading down.

As the prince of the cannon fodder emperor, I very much like the idea of Airplane perhaps having a baby face and brown hair (as a small nod to fanon!SQH from SVSSS) but with a great body (a huge source of inspiration are clothing worn by Prince Yu and Prince Jing of the three princes from the C-drama Nirvana in Fire). Since Airplane will also be able to select his Character Creation stats like Shen Yuan had, one thing I’m fairly certain is that he will max out his CONSTITUTION—because “game logic” and not wanting to die. (For those who don’t know, the CON stat in tabletop RPs essentially indicates a person’s overall health, wellbeing, and vigor checks...so him maxing it out is equivalent to him being as invulnerable as a cockroach. A high CON means overall healthiness, which means your character probably is full of energy and vitality, can heal rapidly, and will rarely get sick—if ever. Low CON usually means a higher susceptibility to sickness and disease, wounds that fester and linger, and a general fatigue would haunt you, etc.) Like how SY zeroed in on his CHA, Airplane would have prioritized +20 CON (+5 modifier), especially knowing the fate that’d await him as a prince and the vicious environment that is expected for palace intrigue plots (the harem is a big factor, with concubines and consorts and even the empress sabotaging each other—just to win the favor of one man). Against poison or whatnot which is a cliché in palace intrigue plots, rather than relying on luck, you typically stand a better chance of passing the CON check if you have a high modifier aiding your checks. He’s basically become impervious to illnesses, most poisons (probably being able to spring back quickly), and is considered the healthiest prince in all the mortal imperial line. <- This could be taken both seriously and humorously simultaneously.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Deity/ Celestial)

For Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī’s “actual divine body” that is currently asleep and won’t be awakened until Airplane completes his mortal trial to “regain his cultivation powers,” the face should obviously be similar but, as Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī, he would appear regal and dignified as a god of this world:

Imagine something along the lines of mortal Airplane as the man on the right, celestial Shen Yuan in the center, and deity/ celestial Airplane as the man on the left. I envision a respectable appearance that would knock the air out of Mobei jūn and make him recognize Airplane despite any visual dissimilarities, and in a way we have the Four Beauties of China: Luo Binghe, Shen Yuan, Mobei jūn, and Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī.

I will say I currently have an idea of making Airplane have “golden” eyes in both his celestial and mortal forms. (Spoiler alert: in my notes, I’d written down to give Airplane yellow eyes as an Easter egg to Yanxi Palace, I believe, where there was an episode where someone of the imperial harem schemed against the empress and almost had the newborn baby killed because that and the yellow skin was an inauspicious omen. We later find out through a timely intervention that the true reason was due to jaundice—because of the diet/ pregnancy cravings she ate for a period of time which resulted in her son’s symptoms. With Airplane’s high CON and another trope I’m bringing in which’ll have to do with the Medicine King’s Valley/ Valley of the Medicine King, his yellow eyes are the only side effect that lingered from that traumatic event which would have killed him had they gotten away with their scheme. A lot of palace dramas have to do with the vicious harem plots, so this would potentially be one such example.) The reason being that this is the identifying marker for MBJ to clue in that they’re the same man he will have loved. And I think that has romantic potential.

Misc.

Now addressing the other tags, yes, essentially speaking, Mobei jūn might just very well experience his very own Big Damn Reunion trope that Bing mèi had suffered from SVSSS. Poor MBJ. He’s in a tumultuous ride of his own with him considering Airplane as his own fated person, hahaha. But for the Moshang dynamic, I want him—a demon—to find himself taken with Airplane in his mortal guise—and subsequently his true celestial appearance once he finds out. I very much also want SY to jokingly snark to his fellow transmigrator-and-writing-colleague about him getting in a relationship with his own “creation” (MBJ). And Airplane would jokingly snark back about SY “ruining his ‘first son’ as well” (LBG). If you can read between the lines of that, then kudos. I’m glad to hear you’re looking forward to the palace intrigue.

I’m especially very happy to hear you’re looking forward to the descriptions! I personally love worldbuilding in the stories I consume I’m an interior designer and realtor irl, so I’m glad my love of house details and landscape, etc shows in TUT. For the pseudohistorical vibe, in the Mortal Realm, I will be referencing the Forbidden City of our Chinese history and a couple popular period C-dramas. Take the settings of period C-dramas like Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace, Yanxi Palace, and Nirvana in Fire as examples for what will be awaiting us when we finally meet Airplane in his mortal body. In the Heavenly Realm, the descriptions will be heavily referencing shows that contain aesthetics such as those of Ashes of Love, Love and Redemption, and Eternal Dream.

Take this with a grain of salt just in case I change my mind later on, but in the chapter when we meet Airplane for the first time, I probably won’t say which character he is in the first scene. I’ll give plenty of hints in the first scene so that you all can make your guesses before the big reveal, but I’m fairly confident you all or most of you will be able to pinpoint who he is among the cannon fodders. We’ll meet the emperor, who is discussing with his sons about the matter regarding the approaching calamity that is Luo Binghe. Then when we transition into the second scene, we’ll know exactly which “royal prince OC” it is that our beloved Airplane has transmigrated into, hahaha.

(*Keep in mind, for everything written above, some details are subject to change. Nothing is official until it appears in the story, or I’ve actually drawn my ideas out and posted online to both my tumblr and twitter. These are just my current thoughts.)

A goal of mine for TUT is to make the story widely accessible, meaning it doesn’t matter if the reader is new to the SVSSS fandom or aren’t familiar with the Easter egg references or meta jokes or subtext or even the Chinese culture, or even if English is not their first language. Having knowledge beforehand might help someone notice more hidden details in TUT, yes, but it is a humble wish of this writer for her esteemed readers to be able to dive into the story and get the enjoyable feeling like they’re reading a genuine danmei novel. It really makes me smile whenever I hear feedback that I am able to emulate that experience.

Very exciting developments indeed are in store!

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

Let me tell you a little story. Back in the day, we used to have threads on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network forums (A.V.E.N.) where we asked each other the question, “Do you consider yourself queer?”

About half of the answers were No. And this wasn’t just because we were at times shunned from queer spaces. We just didn’t consider ourselves queer, full stop. Even if you had given us a golden ticket pass directly into acceptance by the LGBT community.

Some felt no desire to even enter said spaces, or shrugged when they got there.

Some felt specifically uncomfortable because there was such a focus on sex/sexuality.

Now, people who were gnc or homoromantic obviously often said Yes. But that was usually separate from their identity as an ace spec or aro spec.

I’m similar. I have dithered for long periods of time over whether to identify as queer. I don’t view my ace identity as queer. I can construct an argument for it to be considered queer, based on the history of “queering,” which means deviation from norm. This of course, is how the term QueerPlatonic Relationship, qpr, is derived. And in that context, yes aro is explicitly queer. I will vehemently defend those who want to use aro or ace that way. But I will equally as vehemently defend those who want to self-determine, (as in, not allo people enforcing it) view ace and/or aro as a separate issue altogether, who don’t feel totally fitting with allo people, queer or not.

I’m non-binary like that.

Language is a construct.

Language can be ambiguous, have different associations in different subcultures, mean one thing to one person and another to another person.

Language itself is inherently non-binary, non-black-and-white.

I identified as totally agender for a long time (enby identities are common among aces). Now I understand myself as “most of the time agender/enby but leaning transmasc” kind of genderfluidity. I find that even though transmasc is the word that the culture has settled on that got nearest to describing me, so I am sort of obligated to have it because of usefulness, I do not quite vibe with “trans,” neither as this- nor as an umbrella term, but prefer “gnc” as the collective name for non-sexuality queerness.

LGBG, as it were.

Now, GSRM or MOGAI are obviously better, let’s note. Less awkward, less hierarchical/seniority-centered, more bases covered.

But this still causes problems for me in particular. I believe that most people would be agender or bigender or non-binary, absent heavily gendered social conditioning. So that “M” in GSRM suddenly isn’t numerically accurate for norms in a post-gender society of the future. I think binary homo (mono-sexuality) as in gay, lesbian, will always the sexuality minority, but have strong suspicions that bi (or multi- or whatever else you prefer) would be the majority (or mathematical norm, if you will) if heteronormativity were absent as well.

Especially if you included other types of attraction other than romo- or amato- attraction, as well you should.

Been thinking about “oriented aro/ace” and its implications to allocishets as of late:

In a post allohet society, I think most people would recognize and more deeply venerate the fact they had strong platonic (and possibly, even more subtle demi) attraction to the same-sex or same-gender alongside their more flashy het attractions.

(Ironically, similar sentiments lead to things like people objecting that demi “is normal” and shouldn’t be considered an identity in itself, for those who don’t experience primary attraction. Said people sometimes fit the description of demi themselves, just won’t accept the label. Demi could be quite common, and it’s not lesser, it doesn’t lose uniqueness points or something, for being a larger presence)

In this post society, relationships, including QPRs and PLPs and/or marriages on that basis- more than already happen- would form. People like those who have realized, oh yeah, I’m still falling in love with xyz people, but this friend is the one or ‘also-someone’ I want to commit to.

But even for romo, humans are extremely good at deflecting and repressing.

(Romance is in itself a construct. You especially tend to see this come into focus in aro discussion groups, trying to figure out what it even is and what parts comprise it.)

The way I think, as it’s typically used, “queer” is not a minority at all, but a label that emerged to designate itself as a reality beyond cis-het normative societal structures.

Had we never developed the allo-cis-het-patriarchal conditioning nexus, queer would not exist.

In other words, “queer” is born out of this presence, in reactionary fashion.

Now, for the present? That isn’t a problem. It’s useful, it’s linguistically sound, probably necessary, depending on how you define “necessity.”

But I look forward to a day when the word “queer” loses all its current cultural meaning and power, because it’s just ... entirely ordinary. No different from saying you have brown eyes. Even if minorities stayed at levels they are.

Once that has eroded, the “queering” of norms is complete, and with the norms gone, ironically “queer” ceases to be.

Now if we defined “queer” as what appear to be true minorities? That’s an entirely different question. One that I’m not gonna do any more of a deep dive on atm.

I don’t personally believe those parts make me an outlier. Aro? Aplatonic? Most definitely. The aspects of me, as in my gender, that are “queer” as it’s used in ace-exclusionary meaning? Nah. If I were binary trans? Yeah, probably. But all the rest, masc and femme and everything in between, I think those are the normal human experience. To quote someone somewhere on the topic, “Most human beings aren’t Barbie or G.I. Joe.”

Those gender spectrums are just ...... not queer, to my mind.

Regardless of chosen definition, I don’t and have never centralized “queer” in my identity even though it’s a nice shorthand, especially in- ahem- queer spaces.

Some textbook-definition lgbtq choose not to use the word for non-slur-related reasons. Just because they don’t vibe with it.

To be perfectly honest, I have passions and hyperfixations that are worlds more important to my identity than my gender or my sexuality. Is that because agender inherently means (to me personally!) that I’m not hung up on gender, and being gray ace (to me) means I’m not hung up on sexuality? Maybe! Idk. Either way, it’s how I think.

It is not very important to me that people of any walk of life see me as queer.

I’m just me, doing my thing, any word you apply to me is incidental.

So am I queer? Depending on context, yes or no. I’m non-binary like that.

[liskantope]

After a couple of months or so of soul-searching, I've decided to seek help on something that a lot of people out there in Tumblr land might be able to weigh in on. (Not just another hopelessly complaining post, I promise.)

Several times lately on this blog I've brought up this thing (closely related discussion here) about never being able to complete professional tasks in anywhere near as efficient a manner as I feel I "should" or I see professionally successful people doing. While a certain sort of slowness at certain tasks has plagued me my entire life, it's only since the start of 2020 that this has come to a head. The reason for this makes sense in the context of the timeline of my professional life. My first postdoc (which lasted a long time) had no teaching requirements and in the end I managed to get substantial research done (fast enough in "better" months to sort of make up for my inactivity in "worse" months and the entire year of 2016). When I took up my current job in fall of 2019, after an unusually productive early 2019, I fully let myself off the hook research-wise so that I could wig out the entire fall over teaching three courses at a new university while trying to settle myself in a brand new city (literally the busiest period of my adult life*). But 2020, right from the start, was a semi-disaster for me in terms of research despite a lighter teaching assignment in both fall and spring, no teaching in the summer, and forced isolation in a quiet, drama-free apartment alone with no social involvement in anything to distract me. Somehow having a job that requires substantial amounts of teaching, at a quality higher than what I held myself up to in grad school (which felt more like following orders anyway), has set me Perpetually Behind.

Where I feel my life is now is that my career hopes are hanging by a thread (a lot depends on this summer going better than last summer did), while my personal life feels almost entirely hopeless. Actually I should be happy that I and many of the people around me are getting vaccinated now (first shot down, one to go!) and can look forward to social things beginning to revert back to normal in the summer. But as long as my persistent state of Being Hopelessly Behind on research continues, I might have trouble finding time for the (unfortunately rather daunting) task of building a social life from pretty much nothing.

So I'm coming to feel that the only thing I can grab onto at the moment for hope that I can turn just about everything in my life around is to somehow deal with this executive problem. And that since my recognizing it as a chief personal issue for more than the past year still hasn't resulted in me finding a way to cure it, I suppose it's about time to take off the high-agency goggles and put on the low-agency ones. Ironically, sometimes this is necessary for getting up and actually doing something about one's problems.

For Reasons that I have trouble understanding myself and would take a much longer post than this to examine out loud, I've stubbornly refused to ever really confront the neurological issues I've had since early childhood, to the point of pretty much never even discussing them on Tumblr, home of pretty close to the most open-about-neurological-issues subculture that exists on the internet. So I don't think I've said much about being aware I have ADD (as it would have been called when I was getting examined for it in childhood) or ADHD, although I may have mentioned it in passing. I've never bothered to actually research this cluster of conditions or to ask my parents for details of my diagnosis as a kid (although the latter is partly because this diagnosis happened in the mid-90's and I've always assumed this whole area of science has been practically revamped since then). But -- and I don't know why this took me so long -- I came to the realization some weeks ago (and not until after writing the above-linked posts!) that maybe this is the crux of my current issues. This came specifically from pondering how other mathematicians I've closely worked with on research or studies don't actually seem any faster than I am when I'm focused on figuring something out over a several-minute period, but that somehow most of them magically get both research and teaching work done at a far faster pace than I do, and that I constantly space out when trying to focus on just about anything (I think often without realizing how many times I'm spacing out almost like little microsleeps). Well, that plus about a dozen other issues I've been consciously aware of for years, relating to my ability to pay attention to shows/films, listen when someone is talking to me in a monologue, etc. There is pretty much no doubt in my mind that I have some clinical level of something in the ADHD cluster (the attention deficit part, not the hyperactivity part and definitely not the impulsiveness part) as an adult.

So now I'm steeling myself to seek out a diagnosis for this and see if there's hope of some kind of treatment, and I'm finding the prospect rather daunting at the moment. But I'm telling myself to investigate this as if my career (and general prospects at happiness) depends on it, because I have a feeling maybe at this point it does.

What really daunts me the most -- once I figure out the logistics of getting a psychiatry/neurology appointment and if/how this would work with my insurance -- is researching and weighing the risks of medication. I've never taken medication for any kind of brain thing before (unlike, I imagine, a lot of Tumblr); my parents were always somewhat against it and decided against putting me on anything as a child (I don't know if it was Ritalin they were suggesting or something else?) mainly on the grounds that side effects would be scary and I seemed to be doing well in school anyway; I went through all of K-12, college, grad school, etc. without any kind of accommodations. Now my parents seem to like the idea of me trying something but they seem to assume that the options are different now 25 years later, and that surely there are better substances available without the risk of terrible side effects. Now that I'm finally bringing myself to Google this stuff, I'm finding no evidence to back up their optimism, though -- it seems that the main medical solution is still Ritalin which is still pretty heavy-duty, side-effect-heavy stuff that could permanently change my brain or maybe even my personality.

Anyway, I imagine this as more like a two-paragraph post, and I've gone on pretty long about it, I guess at this point I'm curious if anyone here has some advice they could lend from direct experience or at least better knowledge in these matters than I have, especially about the diagnosis process and even more especially about medication options. (I assume there is no widespread "cure" for life-affecting inattention issues through a therapy program or anything else other than a substance... so gaah.)

*But, case in point, I have a friend who had essentially my exact job in my department prior to my arrival, and she managed to do it alongside a completely separate second full-time job (I mean, I doubt she had to deal with things like furnishing a new home alone at the time, but still). This is what I mean about some people seeming to be capable by a whole-number factor of doing more things than others.

[carewyncromwell]

“Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down By the enemy, Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing -- Bow down to the mighty... But don't run...stop holding your tongue! Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live; Maybe one of these days you can let the light in... Show me how big your brave is! Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out! Honestly...I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say and let the words fall out Honestly...I wanna see you be brave!”

~“Brave,” by Sara Bareilles

x~x~x~x

For my next installment in my Valentine’s Day series where I focus on each of my MC’s with someone that they care about, I’m going to do something different again for my MC Anastasia “Ana” Read and focus on her relationship with her beloved stepfather, Bradley Pinkstone!

After Ana’s mother Bonnie divorced her father John Read, Bonnie -- being the sort of person who’s unable to be on her own -- dated several other men in rapid succession. Unfortunately none of those men were much in the mood to “share” their new girlfriend with her daughter from a previous marriage. Not only was Ana a constant reminder of Bonnie’s relationship with “the ex,” but she also was a socially awkward, chubby little girl who would cause weird “accidents” whenever her mother’s boyfriends were over. Ana would claim she never meant to do anything wrong (and honestly, how could she have done those things anyway, one might think -- no one can make a glass shatter from the other side of the room), but she nonetheless took the blame onto her shoulders and, in response to those boyfriends’ active dislike for or avoidance of her, soon learned to hide away in her room whenever they came over. After all, none of them came to see her, and none of them wanted to -- so it was probably best that she just stay out of the way. And she thought things would be the exact same way when her mother met and fell in love with Bradley Pinkstone.

Ana had heard plenty about her mother’s new fiance before meeting him, but it was only after she received her Hogwarts letter that Bonnie -- looking oddly nervous -- told her that Bradley would be coming over to have dinner with them. Ana dreaded the prospect: she just knew something was going to go wrong. All of the weird things that had happened to her mother’s old boyfriends had to have been her fault, after all -- what if she messed everything up for her mum again, just like she always did? And sure enough, not long after the bright-eyed, curly-haired man in the obnoxious yellow-diamond-patterned pants named Bradley Pinkstone had entered their flat and walked over to Ana as if to offer her a handshake, part of the floor disappeared out from under him, making him trip right into a side table and send several knick-knacks crashing to the floor. Distraught and ashamed, Ana bolted out of the room and up the stairs, even as Bonnie tried to call her back. Ana slammed the door of her room, locking it behind her, and then huddled up in a miserable ball on her bed, dead-set on never coming out again.

You can imagine Ana’s surprise, therefore, when her bedroom door swung open, unlocked, to reveal Bradley Pinkstone standing there, a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” he greeted gently.

Ana flinched, but didn’t answer. What could she even say? Should she apologize? How could she, without explaining that what had happened was her fault? Witches and wizards weren’t supposed to talk about their magic, right?

Noting the girl’s nerves, Bradley entered the room, quietly closing the door behind him, and slowly migrated over toward her bed in the same manner one might approach a scared animal.

“That...wasn’t my smoothest introduction, was it?” he said with a chuckle. “I’ve fallen flat on my face plenty of times figuratively, but never literally.”

Ana hugged her knees close to her chest. She hated him standing over her -- it made her feel even smaller and more pathetic than she already did.

Bradley tilted his head to the side and considered Ana for a moment, his expression becoming more serious.

“...I know it wasn’t your fault, Anastasia.”

Ana looked up at him, startled.

“Those sorts of things happen, when you’re feeling an intense emotion,” said Bradley sympathetically, “and what you did was easily undone. The floor’s been put right, everything on the side table’s fixed...even my pride will recover eventually.”

He gave a bright white grin.

Ana stared at him, very confused, as she absently let go of her knees. The way he was talking was so matter-of-fact, so nonplussed. It was...well, bizarre.

Bradley raised an eyebrow, his dark eyes twinkling.

“Would you like to know a secret?” he asked.

Ana’s throat was too tight to speak, but she gave a small nod.

Bradley reached into the back pocket of his yellow-diamond-patterned pants and slid out a long stick made of ebony wood with an intricately carved, gold-encrusted hilt for her to see.

It was a wand.

Ana’s gray eyes grew very, very wide.

“You...?”

Bradley tucked his wand back into his pocket with a white smile. “Yep -- I’m one too.”

Ana was stunned. Her mother’s fiance...was a wizard? So he...he knew everything? About the Wizarding World, about Hogwarts, about...how to do magic? ...Was that what he meant, by everything being fixed? He’d been able to undo what she did with magic?!

Her posture was still slightly guarded as Bradley lowered himself down onto the bed next to her.

“This is why your mother and I decided it was time we meet, before the school year begins,” he explained. “I hadn’t known you had magic when I met your mother...I couldn’t tell her about me being a wizard, thanks to the Statute of Secrecy, so I had to act as if I was non-magical myself. Admittedly I don’t like to use magic as much as many wizards do. There are many non-magical methods that work just as well if not better than magical ones. And there are many advancements people who don’t use magic have made that witches and wizards are still woefully ignorant of.”

He gave Ana a small wry smile.

“But...well, Bonnie would talk about you sometimes on our dates, and some of the things she said...well, it reminded me of Jasper and Preston, when they first started showing signs of magic. My sons,” he added, upon seeing Ana’s confused expression. “They’re both quite a bit older than you...but they went to Hogwarts too. Preston just graduated, actually. I’m sure Jasper and he will be really happy to tell you all about Hogwarts. And after you and Bonnie move in, I can always help you with some spells over the summer. Normally you shouldn’t do magic outside of school, of course, but the Ministry won’t punish you if you’re in a house that’s already filled with magical signatures...”

Ana could hardly believe what she was hearing. Of all the people in the world her mother could’ve decided to date, she’d somehow managed to meet a wizard? Not only that...but he actually wanted to help her with her magic?

“...Why...”

Bradley raised his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“...Why do you care?”

Bradley blinked in surprise. Ana knew her question had come out more harshly than she meant, so she tried to backpedal slightly.

“I mean...thank you -- for putting right what I did, but...I’m not your kid. You don’t even know me. I mean...”

She bit her lip and looked down at her hands in her lap.Everything she said kept coming out sounding rude, despite her best efforts.

Bradley, however, didn’t look the least bit offended or hurt. Instead his eyes looked a bit sad.

“You’re right,” he said quietly. “I don’t know you. But, for what it’s worth...I think I’d like to.”

Ana looked up at Bradley, whose face had grown a bit more gentle.

“Let me tell you something, Anastasia -- I’ve lost a lot of people in my life...many people I loved dearly. I even lost my mother when I was about your age. It hasn’t been easy to bounce back from any of that...but one thing I have learned is the value of loving the people in your life, as best you can. We Pinkstones...aren’t the most popular in the Wizarding World, for our stance on magical and non-magical integration...so family is very important to us. And if your mother and I are going to be married, then you will be my family. And that means I’ll do everything I can to love and protect you -- because that’s what family should be.”

He tapped his heart with his fist lightly.

“I know I’m not your father, nor do I ever want to replace him -- but I’d love to learn more about you from you, rather than just from your mother. As nice as it is to hear about how bright and imaginative you are...I’d love to see that for myself.”

Ana stared at Bradley for a long, long moment. Her gray eyes were still guarded and faintly nervous, rather like a stray cat hesitating before letting someone pet them for the first time. Then, after a very long silence, she nodded mutely. Bradley smiled.

“To start with...what are these books here you’ve got lined up on the bottom shelf?” he asked curiously. “They’re perfectly organized by number...I assume they’re volumes of something?”

Ana nodded.

“They’re manga,” she mumbled. “Japanese comic books.”

Bradley’s eyes lit up. “Really? May I?”

Ana nodded again, and he bent down to slide one of them from the shelf and look at the cover, which depicted a blond, blue-eyed girl with a blue-skirted white jumpsuit, a red-ribbon choker, and round red barrettes in her hair buns.

“‘Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon,’“ he read off the front cover.

He glanced from Ana to the book and back and his smile grew brighter and larger still.

“...Ahh, so that’s why you’re wearing a red ribbon around your neck -- you’re dressed as this character today!”

Ana looked down at her lap, her cheeks flushing as she smoothed out the wrinkles in her blue skirt self-consciously. “Mm-hmm.”

“That’s brilliant,” said Bradley brightly. “Oh, Jasper is going to be thrilled -- he’s quite a fashion icon himself. He’s into the ‘Gothic Victorian subculture’ -- from what I understand, it’s a fashion movement that celebrates both period clothing from the late 1800′s and early 1900′s, as well as the darker Gothic aesthetic. Jasper has quite a collection of top hats and waist coats.”

Ana perked up slightly. “...So your son likes to dress up too?”

“Yes,“ said Bradley. “He comes by it honestly, really -- I don’t know if your mother told you, but my sons and I work in a theater, in Stratford-Upon-Avon. Jasper’s the most ‘stage-oriented’ out of the three of us: he works as an actor and stage-combat choreographer. Meanwhile my younger son, Preston, works in our tech department -- he’s a master of special effects. Though that’s partially because he likes to cheat and make some of the stage magic a bit more literal than it probably should be.”

Despite a mild attempt at disapproval, he was smiling mischievously. Ana felt her shoulders loosening a bit.

“What do you do?” she asked.

“I’m a stage manager,” said Bradley, “so I do a little bit of everything. Casting. Marketing. Settling disputes. Putting right what goes wrong.”

Ana shifted over slightly to better face him. “I guess with magic...doing that’s a bit easier, huh?”

“Sometimes,” said Bradley. “But magic isn’t always like how people who don’t use magic depict it, in stories. There are limits to what magic can do -- just as there are limits to what people who don’t use magic can do. Magic is just like any other talent you might have, in the end...like fencing, or mechanics...”

“Or writing?” asked Ana.

Bradley grinned. “Absolutely. It’s something you have to practice at and constantly refine, in order to be good at it...but once you have mastered it, you can be capable of amazing things. Once that happens, though, you then have a responsibility to use those talents for the benefit of others.”

Ana’s gray eyes were very bright as she nodded in agreement.

“‘You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed,’” she said softly. “‘You’re responsible for your rose.’”

Bradley quirked an eyebrow in interest. “Which book is that from?”

“The Little Prince.”

“I’ve yet to read that one. Would you recommend it?”

Ana bit her lip in amusement. “Well, it’s a children’s book...but the man who wrote it ended up writing it after escaping France, when the Nazis took over. I have a biography about him.”

She got down on her hands and knees to reach into the corner of one of her other bookcases, take a white-covered paperback off the shelf, and hand it to Bradley. He took it and turned it over to read the summary on the back.

“‘From a master biographer, the life story of the daring French aviator who became one of the twentieth century's most beloved authors,’” he read aloud.

Bradley’s grin grew a bit broader. “I must say, you have quite an extensive library. Might we exchange book recommendations, once I’ve finished with this one?”

Ana’s face at long last burst into a smile too and she nodded eagerly.

“Yeah.”

[nagisasstunningpersonality]

About Ass Class Characters- Hazama Kirara

We love our dark literature girl 

It’s a little debatable whether she’s actually in the Teraska gang or not. I’m going to go with the narrative that she is, since she’s referred to as the ‘token girl’. 

Her biggest hobby is literature. 

This means that she has an incredibly sharp tongue and words are her greatest weapon. 

Her cynical and sarcastic remarks have no equal. She’s great at reading people and can easily figure out what embarrasses them the most. 

It seems that she’s also decent at writing and creating stories. 

Though I don’t think it’s that intense, she definitely enjoys the goth subculture. 

She’s at least somewhat into witchcraft. 

It’s said she’s actually more scary than Karma. 

Naturally, she’s gloomy, but it doesn’t seem to be an emotional issue. She’s just a more of a mellow personality. 

She has a pet tarantula, which is pretty awesome. 

Generally she doesn’t get scared easily, which means that she can act without thinking too hard in certain situations. 

She doesn’t really have much of a motherly instinct and doesn’t get along with kids, since she can’t talk to them with reason. 

Her home situation really isn’t great, and she doesn’t get along with her parents. This lead to her even running away from home. It’s not touched upon that much, but to take that kind of a step really shows how unhappy she is.

Due to her running away, she ended up befriending the Terasaka gang, and they helped her to come out of her shell a little and become less of a shut in with all of her books. 

Since those three can get up to some craziness, her presence is a refreshing change of pace in their group. 

Yoshida is more serious, so they relate better on that level. 

Although Kanzaki also reads a lot, due to different values and opinions they never discuss them together. 

Apparently having her and Takebayashi speak together for any period of time causes so much negativity it gets pretty depressing. 

In summary, Hazama is definitely a character. Though she doesn’t get the most screentime, there’s definitely a lot of interesting details about her. Honestly I’d just hope she could escape her home situation and learn to be a little happier in general. 

MASTERLIST

[tcthetouch]

@mapleviewstarters​

𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚌𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑, 𝚜𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔 – 𝚜𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑 ... 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚘𝚐𝚜 .

『 nicole kidman. forty-eight. cis woman. she/her. 』 oh heavens, is that CORA WHITWORTH from FAIR LANE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -DECEITFUL & -MATERIALISTIC. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool FORMER MADAM, CURRENT... “ACCOUNTANT” and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +NURTURING & +RESOURCEFUL. i hope i see them around again! 『 may. 21.est. she/her. 』

did her parents name her after cora taylor ? no, kae and i just decided they’re dumb enough to name all their kids ‘c’ names. did i, trying to come up with ‘c’ names, name her after cora taylor ? yes.

background

triggers: prostitution (anything triggering that often goes with it is either very very skimmed over or not mentioned at all), pimping, possessiveness (is that the right word to use)/implied abuse?, drugs/briefly mentioned accidental fatal overdose (but if it makes it better the dude sucked)

honestly ? the triggers may imply there were worse things that happened in cora’s life, but... no. the worst thing that happened in her life was being born to the whitworths. not because they were like... jerks. but because they named everyone ‘c’ names. THAT’S THE REAL TRAGEDY IN THIS STORY.

Also. The first half of this intro is :\ a downer :\ but the second half is * thumbs up emoji * * money emoji * like the tone change is AMAZING.

Anyway, on the topic of the Whitworths, they weren’t bad parents! But they also weren’t stupendous parents! They were just largely… not around. So where Clara filled the love she wished to get with… flowers, Cora was like “I will try to fill mine with validation from external forces and… I don’t know, maybe adventure? Probably not.

Also scorpio sun, taurus moon bc astrology?? Ugh we luv it.

So she was decent. But she was bored. She wanted to do something interesting, not just mope around in their small town with the very few subcultures they had.

When she was 18, she decided that the small town life was simply Not For Her. much like my boy stephen crane, she wanted to actually study humanity. She packed up, of all places she could’ve “studied humanity,” she chose Washington, D.C.

But… you see… when you don’t have funds, a consistent source of income, or… really anymore than $20… you’re gonna study humanity SO WELL. Like, she was so set up to really study and experience humanity!

Let it be known… her parents obviously weren’t awful enough to be like “yes, go stay with questionable figures! you reap what you sow!” - no, they just… forgot!

A few people who she did not know offered a couch for the night. It was through various experiences among these folks, along with some general strange advice, that Cora realized she could enter a silently booming industry: sex work. The people she stayed with were usually very familiar with where the nearest red light districts were, some familiar with how to best tell undercover cops from regular johns. So she took this into serious consideration. She was still young – it seemed like a viable option, right? Easy money! 

Turns out… it wasn’t! There are some strange people out there, aren’t there?

However, it did temporarily provide enough funds for Cora to rent a dingy little apartment. Until this one night when a man brought her back – but instead of proposing sex, as was obviously expected, he proposed a different idea: she join his ‘club.’ There’d be more protection, the pay would be even more lucrative, she’d have somewhere better to live within a matter of months… so, god, dear god, it didn’t take much thought for her to take him up on the offer.

Of course, he was a pimp. So… you know, things weren’t actually much better, but the clientele were richer! He didn’t lie about that part! 

After around a year of captivity being pimped, this man took further interest in her as she became one of the more popular choices amongst his girls. He simply couldn’t let the star only be had by rich clientele! Yes, he slept with plenty of his girls, but she became favored as he began treating her as more of a girlfriend (with a creepy age different) who… you know, he still pimped out!

Being ‘closer’ to him was both advantageous and detrimental. Advantageous in that she witnessed more of the business side and various clients were rejected, detrimental in that… having to spend so much time with him, he introduced her to a world that was even worse. In spite of where she’d been for so many years by that point, she never really thought of drugs or gambling or anything else the underbelly provided other than sex work. But he introduced her to that side.

I’ll go easy on this, but… drugs. Period.

After another year of what seemed like something inescapable, now made worse, the best possible thing happened: he overdosed. 

Y’all, we’re mostly out of the downer part of the intro!

With the money she’d gained being one of his stars, as well as that extra money he offered to keep her near, she knew what she had to do. Like… after a while, but we can skip that probably three-month-long gap: start her own brothel!

Using the money she’d received, she rented out a cheap empty building in one of the cheap red light districts. As far as most were concerned, what was once a bar was being converted into a nightclub. Which was, of course, a lie. A good front.

On the verge of bankruptcy by the time it was ready, she was most certainly desperate! But, lucky for her, one of the girls from her old pimp’s bordello followed her in. Soon enough, word spread amongst the community she’d once been so distant from – soon enough, her “nightclub” was filling up.

She would always have to pay thanks to the dead pimp, in a way. Had it not been for him and for how possessive he’d become, she wouldn’t have had a single clue on how to actually run it. And while she was still rocky at first, she gradually became better and better until she was on equal footing with other madams or pimps and was able to gauge clientele just as well.

In addition, had it not been for him, she wouldn’t have realized what was missing! Condoms were provided and deemed a necessity (although, to be fair, it wasn’t as though she knew everything that happened behind doors), the rooms that existed within the “nightclub” were listened to as well as possible to prevent violence (but rooms in other places? hotels, houses? nothing could be ensured, only hoped for - and hoped to be reported if anything happened so the client could be turned away), etc., etc. Ultimately, her girls were more her surrogate daughters – no matter how close or distant in age – than her paychecks.

But lmao she still took a hefty cut of their pay – a whole-ass 55% – less than what her pimp took, but still a LOT for performing no actions. And ss the brothel became more and more popular, that was SO DAMN MUCH. Just per WEEK, really!!

Everything was going so well!! For ten years, the brothel ran with minimal police interference. There were attempts at take-downs, but the brothel began to work like a well-oiled machine – true proof became rather difficult to find.

Until it wasn’t. Until they were clearly closing in. Until Cora was barely getting out by the skin of her teeth. If she and her girls were arrested… not only would they go to jail and all, but all of that money and all of that time? Wasted.

So she handed the keys over to the first girl who would take them – luckily, the girl she would never tell the others was the star (but… the others knew). Her official excuse? She was returning to North Carolina due to a family emergency (one that didn’t exist). If she just randomly fled, she’d certainly be guilty!

Catching word that Clara had wound up in Mapleview, Cora decided to lie low in the small town herself. 

And yes, I made the TikTok meme real. Yes, she’s an “accountant.”

Only not really, she doesn’t use OnlyFans. Whenever she’s “commuting” to that place accountants work… she’s in some one town or another in the mountains, scouting talent. will there be a “nightclub” in mapleview soon?? actually probably not bc it’s so small. but one nearby?? YES!! 

Old habits die hard! 

But May, she may’ve been able to live off of the madam money for a few years, but it must’ve run out by now?

You’re right! I’m currently doing more research into this, but some years ago, she bought out and now owns a nightclub in Asheville!

But May, isn’t that a little far away to be there everyday? And what about her plans? And why would she still have to say she’s an accountant if being a nightclub owner isn’t taboo?

She has hired a manager she trusts greatly and goes down there to oversee things in person perhaps only twice a week! The manager reports to her!

The manager also knows of her plans and aids her in scouting talent! And she does have dirt on the manager as a backup!

And, considering what the club will be turned into, it’s best to keep it mum!

Honestly there are some other things I want to say, but I just remembered Tumblr’s read-more feature broke :)

tl;dr 

(consult trigger list! much lighter in this portion but jic!) born to whitworths who weren’t awful parents but also weren’t stupendous parents i think they just sometimes forgot they were parents! decided to pull a stephen crane and go “study humanity” instead of like… go to college or enter the workforce… wound up in d.c. without much money. ppl in the sus districts were like “omg stay with me! s2g nthn creepy j offering a hand!” which was mostly true! some were like “sex work is lucrative.” she was like “omg ur right.” a young cora became a streetwalker. around 21, one of the johns was like “hi im not actually a john im a pimp do u want to be pimped it’s really cool.” and she was like “omg ya.” but he was pinocchio :\ that being said i feel like i shld mention that while this particular sex work wasn’t necessarily clean, guy at least made testing a thing. some years pass and he’s like “ur great im gonna act like ur my gf and that i’m the only person in ur world but also u still have to sleep w these guys bc i do love money.” good thing about that was that she overheard some of the business talk. bad thing was that he sucked and also liked even seedier things. some years go by and seedier things kill him tho! now catch cora, late 20s or early 30s idk, being like “well with this money… oh wow i have an idea.” was like “gonna convert this cheap empty place into a brothel i mean nightclub.” was almost broke after that but one of the pimp’s girls was like “wait i’ll come along!” soon had a lot of ppl. soon became successful and was actually as humane as a brothel cld be!! evaded the police narrowly, but evaded them. they started rly closing in at one point tho so she was like “oh no family emergency in nc here my best girl i mean u, girl, u r now in charge idk how that works my pimp just died.” went to mapleview. is an “accountant” and by “accountant” i mean that tiktok meme only more extreme bc she’s being a talent scout. old habits… die hard…

personality/misc.

if this bitch ain’t able 2 make her own way,,,, idk who is. (after moving to dc bc u kno financial status in boone wasnt awful or anything) real rags to riches story. benjamin franklin wld be so proud. she found the way to wealth.

probs sleeps on silk sheets covered in rose petals??

tbh tho?? absolute contradiction. manages 2 care a lot and also not care at all. rly depends on where the person stands. rly depends on the relatability. wld probs be a good mom but has no plans of becoming one!!!!!!!! too busy being an accountant!!!!!!

what,, is trust?? what,, is love?? (baby don’t hurt me)

i’m flying by the seat of my pants rn i suddenly got v distracted but!! maybe more will be added when tumblr FIXES ITS DAMN SELF.

connection ideas:

well we got the rest of her siblings over on the npc page and honestly w how different it seems clara and cora turned out,,,, wld be so curious 2 learn wtf everyone else is doing. r they being normal or r they also wilding??? j in different ways??? (0/2)

i’m hesitant to say someone she’s a parental figure to bc honestly,,, those exhaust me sometimes ahfdslk,,, but!! u kno what someone she’s ironically a good influence on (0/2?)

she got a mostly friendly front but bitch!! someone she’s a bad influence on!! (0/2)

some current or past flings (any gender, but keeping age in mind, past wld be like 43+ pls,,,current like 40+?) (0/?)

if anyone lived in boone, some old friends from boone (0/?)

if anyone lived in dc, some ppl she knew in dc (0/?)

also always up for brainstorming or j working off of chemistry!!

feel free to like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !

[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

Dead Poets Society: A Product of the Times

Dead Poets Society is a bit of an odd duck in terms of culture.

Produced in the 1980s, Dead Poets Society comes in at the tail end of a decade well-known for its movies centered on the youth.  Following in the footsteps of films like The Breakfast Club, Say Anything, The Karate Kid and more, Dead Poets Society was not an anomaly in the late 1980s, one of a crowd of films revolving very heavily around teenagers and their problems.

By the same token, it’s also coming in at the tail end of a string of films set on analyzing the culture of the 1950s.  Starting with films like American Graffiti in 1973, this brand new generation of filmmakers of the ‘70s and ‘80s began to take a closer and more accurate look at the 1950s and the 1960s, the times they’d grown up in.  Films like Stand By Me, The Outsiders, Back to the Future and Dirty Dancing were some of the most prominent in a long series of works dedicated to a less rose-tinted look at a decade often oversimplified.

As such, Dead Poets Society falls in a rather odd position of being both an ‘80s film, and, in a way, a ‘50s film.

Why does this matter?

Very simple.

In order to understand a film, it’s important that we understand what kind of climate it was being released in, and, as a result, what kinds of things the story is about.

See, no film is separate from the culture it was created in, and every movie is directly impacted by the culture and other films around it, for obvious reasons.  After all, a product made by people living in a certain kind of culture is going to reflect that culture.

That’s not a bad thing in and of itself.  In fact, it’s just cause and effect.  But sometimes, a film showing its age can make all the difference to a modern audience, leaving who like experiencing movies that have come before us with a question:

Is there such a thing as too dated?

Or, more specifically:

Is there such a thing as being set in a culture so removed from our own, that our enjoyment of this piece of media is reduced?

Which is the question we’re going to be looking at today.  Is Dead Poets Society too dated to be enjoyed by a modern audience?

Let’s take a look, starting with the culture it’s meant to portray: boarding-school America of the 1950s.  (Possible spoilers below!)

At first, it can be easy to see why some people might grit their teeth and wince at the ‘datedness’ of the culture in which the film is set.  Scenes like Charlie’s paddling in the Principal’s office are unthinkable to those born after corporal punishment in schools were gotten rid of, and the problems with such a system are immediately obvious.

But then, that’s probably intentional.

The characters in Dead Poets Society treat these elements that we think of as abhorrent as facts of life, because to them, they are.  There’s no thought given to a system that controls its students, or parents that come across as controlling and potentially abusive, because according to ‘traditional’ 1950s values, they were in authority over the youth.  This is actively portrayed in the film’s meta as a bad thing: we as audience members are not supposed to agree with this.  We are, however, supposed to root for the boys to find a way to change it.

Of course, this is not to say that there were no rabble-rousers in the 1950s, because that’s simply not true.  Overlooked and undiscussed in Dead Poets Society are the youth who were actively breaking away: the Beat generation was off and running, defying the authority that they deemed obsolete.  With that said, however, most of these types, the ‘greasers’ and others of that kind, were typically found in lower to middle-class society, and that, quite frankly, is not who Dead Poets Society is about.

While it could be considered an oversight on the part of the film, it’s also possible that the intention of Dead Poets Society was to look, not just at the 1950s, but at a specific subculture of the 1950s: the rich and elite.

Dead Poets Society is interested, not just in countercultural movements, but specifically the ones that are undertaken by those weighed down by tradition at the top.  It’s focused on the rules and regulations passed down and expected to be held up by those who are meant to become ‘respectable’ members of society: doctors, lawyers, bankers, and more.  In that, the context is a little different, and their ‘rebellion’ is more subdued.  These are newbies at non-conformity, newbies still afraid of their parents (and society’s) disapproval, hence Charlie’s hesitancy and eventual treachery, Neil’s subdued reaction to his father, and even Todd’s reluctance to speak out, to disappoint.  These are boys becoming men, being taught to use their words to explore and break out of the molds that their families, that this school, has put into place.

But, of course, the way that this mold is examined in the film is potentially different than the way we’d examine it now, simply because the film was made in a different time.  

The 1980s, as I mentioned, had already dedicated quite a bit of time to analyzing the 1950s, but even then was a different time than now.  That said, there is little that happens in the film that is portrayed in a way that wouldn’t be done today, with one exception:

Knox’s pursuit of Chris.

The 1980s were unfortunately pretty good at ‘romances’ that bordered on (and sometimes fell right into) unacceptable behavior: Sixteen Candles, Revenge of the Nerds and plenty more films tended to blur the line between ‘devoted’ and ‘creepy’.  Knox’s behavior definitely comes across as shades of this: following Chris to her school, pushing his way into her classroom to read poetry aloud, and especially his kissing her while she’s unconscious can come across as more than a little alarming to modern eyes, but portrayed as mostly harmless within the film’s context.  Unlike the previously mentioned ‘paddling’ scene, this is not portrayed as a problem.

With that said:

Dead Poets Society is dated, yes, but mostly dated intentionally.  The film is pointing to a period past, intentionally pointing out the problems present in a previous decade and looking at a potential cautious solution to conformity.  For the most part, the film is portrayed much as it would be today (with one or two exceptions) and for the most part, still holds up.

Films made about previous time periods are tricky, because the unsavory elements of that period are on display, and it’s difficult to ensure that they’re demonstrated in their own context, but with our own personal understanding of why things have changed.  The movie is critical of the period it’s examining, and for the most part, it’s successful in remaining understanding, but analytic of the context of the story.  

The ideas upon which Dead Poets Society are founded are unchanging despite the changing of time: the value of individualism, the importance of free-thinking, and the power of words.  These ideas, and the way they are explored within the film itself, will always be relevant and needed in the culture.  As such, for the most part, the film remains enjoyable to a modern audience, showing a different age, a different culture, and how things have changed, and what values haven’t.

In short: Dead Poet Society is an earnest story about the power of words and individuals, which remains equally important in 1959, 1989, and beyond.

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope to see you in the next article.

[adamsvanrhijn]

Hello there! I have been happily working through your incredible wtmy,tbws fic like a duck enthusiastically eating a bowl of peas, and was wondering if I may request a director’s commentary on the "never cared to 'til a minute ago. Always been a delicate bloke." conversation OR whatever scene from that fic that you most enjoyed writing? Thank you!

thank you! i am loving that simile very much.................. a duck enthusiastically eating a bowl of peas. amazing.

under cut because the fic itself is Adult Content haha

& also because this is Absurdly long... doing this meme for other people is really hammering in for me how much i rely on single line dialogue & short paragraphs lol. i’d love to work on that, but, womp womp, it hasn’t really been happening.

there is ... a lot going on in this scene lol. i feel very galaxy brain while writing this fic and it’s very pretentious, but i’m just gonna poke at the relevant bits around that quote instead of quoting The Whole Thing. this is from chapter 5 of when to my soul, the body would say ! 

context -- they’ve had morning sex in front of a mirror, then they went for breakfast at the place they’re staying, where richard is using a persona for Safety Reasons, & now they’re just hanging out and richard has been checking thomas out for the last 5-15 minutes without him noticing... until he comments on thomas smoking, and then thomas...

...lets his eyes wander, himself. 

Richard, fully dressed save for his shoes, is turned from the bureau, arm slung over the top of the chair. He did his hair this morning, because Evelyn Price would not have gotten up to anything in the night that could possibly alter the work of a week's worth of Brilliantine, and Thomas sort of hates it.

Not how it looks.

What it means. Or represents, rather. That they've got people other than each other upon whom they need to make good impressions, be they in service or just in the world at large.

right, so, this is like, the Ground Work Thoughts for thomas here as far as this particular interaction is concerned, because this is Very Much about perception / Being Perceived, and before the conversation even happens he’s paying richard a lot of attention, almost to the point of scrutiny. and richard is put together in a way that is very much not for thomas’s sake, it’s for they-left-the-room’s sake, and so he’s noticing that and that’s his frame of mind as they move on.

side note! hair styling oil & pomades really were worn for multiple days in a row. amazing. i could never. there should really be more in this fic about richard’s hair being all floraly <3 <3 <3 but there isn’t. womp womp. that would have been a Factor in this bit huh lol.

"You ever try it?" asks Thomas. Meaning smoking.

"No," he says. He tilts his head thoughtfully. "Never cared to 'til a minute ago. Always been a delicate bloke."

Thomas coughs impolitely.

"I don't see the harm in saying it, Thomas."

The feeling he can't describe leaves him, and a different one forms, in his gut instead of his lungs, an uncomfortable and unwelcome weight. Knotted.

aaaaand boom. thomas Did Not Sign Up For This. 

richard’s being 100% honest, just speaking casually, but thomas’s reaction is enough to get him on the defensive & he’s not an idiot so he knows why, but this is also not something he has lately put a lot of thought into. he’s Accepted It About Himself (we’ll get into this). thomas meanwhile is not ready to approach the subject of Delicacy for anybody he cares about, because to him it’s not a good description, it’s not something he aspires to be or wants to come across as, but he has many times in his life come across as it anyway. he’s Not Like That. 

so the word alone sticks in the wheels of his rolly suitcase emotional baggage, even though it’s richard using it on himself.

"Well, you clearly haven't got a problem with playing at being normal," Thomas says pointedly. Tough not to be pointed when he feels like this, because he's no stranger to it, is he. "If I didn't know better I'd be asking after your wife and baby like the rest of this place."

Lucky those people were leaving after breakfast; Thomas wouldn't be able to take two full days of it.

He hasn't asked about the photographs in the wallet yet, either, and he's not sure if he will.

normal being heterosexual, in this instance, which is contemporary vocabulary.

and richard is very good at playing straight when he’s not fearing for thomas’s life, so. it’s true! it’s a legitimate opinion. but it’s also a pretty significant logical leap that richard is about to pick up on, because that makes him uncomfortable, given thomas is basically saying.... you seem straight, what are you talking about, which isn’t going to make him feel excellent about the sense of identity he’s settled into. 

the rest of this is an Achievement Thomas Is Yet To Unlock so i won’t say much other than that this is not a significant addition to richard as the reader might know him from ywntmha, but, a lot of the big emotional work & development in that fic happens in 1929, with this meeting as the impetus... so it is very significant for thomas, at this point. we’re still in january and they still have a ways to go both in the next 24 hours and in the rest of the year.

Richard raises his eyebrows. "And what's that got to do with it?"

He shrugs.

It should be obvious. It would be obvious, to anyone who bothered to think about it for more than half a second.

that’s not a good faith question; richard’s goading him into actually saying the underlying thought. on one level thomas knows that, which is why he doesn’t say that part out loud and only thinks it.

"It's pretending, is all it is," Richard continues, a little too gentle.

"Don't call yourself what they call you," Thomas returns, a little too sharp.

and since goading doesn’t work, new tactic on richard’s part here, and though thomas can tell it’s intentional it does work on him, so.

writing this was interesting for several reasons but one of the big ones is, and anybody who’s been following me since Before da will probably know this, i like... have very little patience for discussion about personal identity, especially when it comes to reclamation ? i am way more interested both on a personal and academic level (bc i can’t lie about that lmfao, hashtag english major) in community + external ideas imposed on people.  

and this might seem like a very 2010s conversation for them to be having, but... this period of time was really the Dawn of queer/lgbt identity Concepts: words were being coined, communities were coming together in new ways, in continental europe & the us especially there was a lot of rapid development and transition here owing to various roaring 20s factors, and i think richard given his situation would have been exposed to that, for one, but also just, it’s gonna be in both their environments because it was getting to be a thing from the victorian era w/ the medicalisation of homosexuality and things are only expanding. 

"delicate” is a euphemism, not a slur, but it has hella connotations & they are both fully aware of them.

"Rather it be me saying it than them."

Blasé like it doesn't mean a thing at all.

You should know better, he wants to say, you should know better than anyone.

"Don't see how you can feel that way when it's not true to begin with."

thomas’s Only Gay Friend Is My Boyfriend is showing here lol, this is shining light on a gap in what he knows about richard & what he Thinks he knows about richard, so there’s a dissonance. and he sees richard as Masculine on a conscious or subconscious level, and he’s in a These Are Antonyms place re “delicate”. some black & white thinking going on here.

& i feel like the other part is probably fairly explanatory but, richard gets a sense of control and self-assurance by using a word for himself that might not be kind coming out of other people’s mouths and Being Okay With That.

"Thomas…"

They lock eyes.

A tense moment passes.

It is Richard who breaks first. He turns back to the desk with a small sigh.

"This has very little to do with you," he says carefully.

richard, knowing thomas as he does, is able to tell that he’s taking this personally, because he Is, so that’s that there, but again this is something he’s already settled in himself and so there’s also an element of having to justify again this thing he’s already figured out, which he isn’t exactly fond of.

anyway i said i’d get into this -- there’s a lot of interesting like, Societal / Subcultural / Etc politics with regards to being a male servant in this day and age and Gender In General, and valets especially -- throughout the time period leading up to this but ESPECIALLY in the 1920s when there are fewer men in service than there ever have been and more and more kinds of, say, manufacturing jobs as the automobile industry picks up & labour saving devices start having more complicated parts, and probably yknow most of the boys he went to school with are in that or mining or railways, so he’d have thought about it earlier on in his life probably. or Has rather. ftr his brother was in the carriage works i don’t think that ever comes up but there’s a lot there lol. there’s some family stuff in but level in time that we’ll get to........... someday. ANYWAY. 

the point is.

valeting is an effeminate job.

like, point blank. i’m seeing that idea both in sources specifically about servants & just general of-the-era stuff about great houses. when you’re talking about gay men in service a lot of them are valets, and some of that lines up w stereotypes & common lifestyle habits of gay men in general -- looking after hair shoes and clothing, obvs, attention to detail in physical appearance (note that men who Get Valeted also care about details, but they are not the ones who actually have to think and decide about it; whereas their wives are probably giving their ladies’ maids more directions as to hair styles and dresses etc etc because they’re expected to care about that part of the process in a way that men weren’t), exposure to social mores in a variety of different contexts, being well-connected within both the communities that help him get work done: tailoring, hairdressing, shoemakers, drapers, etc and in General, having softer skills like sewing and whatnot. and you’re unmarried and looking after the presentation of another man so there’s some like, desexualisation stuff there.

and thomas and richard would both know this very, very well. they’d have encountered the idea both as men in service and as gay men and especially as gay men in service.  

this richard has been working at buckingham palace for more than twenty years at this point, minus his war backstory which....... is complex and i haven’t gotten into it very much anywhere but he was getting cosy with some higher ups and having To Do about presentation there too and like, was in the service corps which was non-combat supply lines ....... and apprenticing valeting / actually (non-principally) valeting the Literal King Of England for nine.

he has had a LOT of time to get over his shit.

he not only likes his job* but he’s also very good at his job, literal 2nd highest valet position in frankly The World, which is fucking wild, and that combined with his Childhood of like, being second best to his older brother who was like, a perfect human being so far as he could ever tell and that included being very traditionally like, athletic and Leaderly and having-a-sweetheart-in-your-youth-you-then-marry when he was more interested in, you know, story telling and Arts N Crafts (i’m being tongue in cheek) and just generally not ... especially into the Boys Will Be Boys stuff............................

he’s fine with it! he is Fine with being called delicate, it’s helped him get over a lot of his issues just to decide oh, this actually fits my personality and the trajectory my life has followed, so i’m going to just accept that and move on ! etc. 

but thomas is not anywhere near there for himeslf and therefore he isn’t for other people, too, because one of thomas’s Problems is that he hates seeing other people comfortable and happy when he isn’t... and that even applies to richard, because love does not make us perfect. 

*he wants to leave service and he’s tired of the constant scrutiny of working where he does for whom he does, but he does like his actual duties in a lot of ways.

well here’s a novel. i hope this satisfies you!!! <3 <3 <3

[psychosistr]

The Stars of the Stage- Chapter 2

Summary: Jonathan runs into a familiar face while getting breakfast at his local coffee shop- lucky for him, that familiar face is quite handsome.

Notes: Who doesn't love a good old fashioned cute "accidentally met up at the coffee shop scenario"? x3

-First Chapter-

Needless to say, Speedwagon got the part of Sir Haste Dray without any other actors really being considered. Soon enough, the rest of the cast list was set, full scripts were sent out to the chosen actors, and rehearsals were scheduled to begin.

Jonathan was excited to see how well the show would come together. However, first, he had to finish up a few last-minute touch-ups for the script. The lines would still be essentially the same, he was just revising the movements for the climactic final fight to make it more dramatic while still being believable.

To help with his concentration, he went to work at the same place he always did when the weather was nice- his favorite coffee shop situated along the river near his apartment complex, The Ripple. He was seated outside at a table under the awning with his laptop open on the table in front of him and a large covered coffee cup with a plate of pastries off to the side. In the middle of deleting a line he’d just typed and had found less than satisfactory, however, he heard a voice calling his name.

“Mr.Joestar?” A figure accompanied the voice approaching him and he looked up to see a familiar looking blonde man dressed in a white tank top and a dark hat. “Ah, thought that was you. ‘ow’s it goin’, Mr.Joestar?” The man greeted him with a friendly smile.

“Oh! Mr.Speedwagon!” Jonathan smiled at him, taking off his glasses and setting them down on the keyboard to see the other man more clearly. “What a pleasant surprise.” He gestured to the seat across from himself at the table. “Stopping in for a drink? If you would like, you’re more than welcome to join me.”

“Mighty kind o’ y’.” Speedwagon grinned and headed for the entrance to the café. “Lemme just go grab a cup an’ I’ll be right back.” He was quick to return with a much smaller cup than Jonathan’s own and a simple croissant rather than Jonathan’s platter of pastries. “So, do y’ come ‘ere often?”

“Actually, yes.” Jonathan chuckled, pointing to his apartment complex down the street. “I actually live right over there. I usually end up here nearly every day of the week, depending on how busy I am.”

“Ha! Y’ gotta be kiddin’ me!” The other man chuckled and pointed at an apartment complex on the opposite side of the river facing the one that Jonathan had pointed at. “I live over in that one, on the fourth floor. Just moved in a few weeks back an’ I’m learnin’ me way ‘round the neighborhood.”

“Really?” Jonathan looked at where he’d pointed then back to his own, noting how the fourth floor lined up with the floor he lived on almost evenly. “Why, it would appear that we are neighbors then.” He chuckled a bit- life sure did work in mysterious ways. “In all likelihood, we’ll certainly be seeing quite a bit of each other.”

Speedwagon took a sip of his drink with a pleased hum. “Well, I sure wouln’ mind that one bit.” He set the cup down and broke off a piece of his croissant. “Say, while I got y’ ‘ere, there’s somethin’ I’d been meanin’ t’ ask y’.”

Jonathan watched the blonde curiously while eating one of his own confections. “Oh?” He swallowed and gestured for Speedwagon to continue. “What would that be, Mr.Speedwagon?”

The blonde man winced slightly at the title. “Ugh, please don’ call me that..makes me feel old. Just Speedwagon’s fine, or even Robert- but don’ go callin’ me Bob or anythin’ like that or I may have t’ deck y’.”

Jonathan chuckled a bit and nodded in agreement. “In that case, please refrain from calling me ‘Mr.Joestar’- just Jonathan is fine, or even Jojo, as that is how most of my friends and colleagues refer to me.”

“Alrigh’ then, Jojo.” Speedwagon’s smile returned, apparently pleased with the increased familiarity between the two of them now. “I read through the script that y’ sent me, an’ I was wonderin’ if I could ask y’ somethin’ ‘bout me character.”

Jonathan nodded as he listened, wondering if perhaps he’d made something unclear about Sir Haste Dray that he would need to explain in more detail. “About Sir Dray? Of course, what would you like to know?”

“Well..it might jus’ be me readin’ too much of meself int’ the character..but..” He paused, tapping his finger against the coffee cup as if considering his wording carefully. “I know the romantic focus for Lord Samuel Sunstone ‘s Lady Bella Penrith..but..does Sir Dray, y’know, ‘ave feelin’s for Lord Sunstone, too?”

Jonathan’s eyes widened slightly. “What..?” Had he really…?

Speedwagon looked back up at him with a thoughtful expression. “Don’ get me wrong, I love the relationship with Samuel an’ Bella, i’s really sweet an’ a long time comin’..but..I dunno, when I read Dray’s lines, the way ‘e talks about lovin’ Samuel’s good nature an’ ‘ow ‘e completely devotes ‘imself to the guy..it just makes me think ‘e might ‘ave a thing for ‘im, y’know?” He frowned at Jonathan’s wide-eyed stare. “I mean, if I’m wrong, y’ can tell me, I was just wonderin’-”

He was startled when Jonathan suddenly reached across the table with both hands and grabbed Speedwagon’s shoulders with an excited smile on his face and stars in his eyes. “You actually picked up on that?! Oh, I cannot believe it! I did not know if that would still come through, but I am delighted you were able to see it!!”

Speedwagon blinked in confusion. “Wait..so..I got it right..?”

“You did!” Jonathan suddenly realized that he had grabbed the smaller man and released him, settling back down in his seat with a slight flush to his cheeks. “My apologies, I became too excited again..I just..I am so happy you were able to notice the truth about Sir Dray’s feelings!” He was still smiling, he couldn’t help it with how excited he was. “I wanted to write their relationship into the story as well, but William said it would confuse the audience since most don’t associate such things with the time period. I tried to tell him that there was an entire subculture and code-system practiced by homosexuals during the Victorian era, but he said it would feel like too much for the audience to believe. So, I was forced to remove a few scenes with Samuel and Dray having the discussion about Dray’s sexual identity and the implications of such a thing between himself and Samuel, but I did not want to change any of the other scenes with them, so I left the dialogue unchanged. I cannot tell you how happy I am to know that their connection was still able to shine through enough for someone to recognize it!”

Speedwagon smiled too, beaming with pride. “I’m jus’ glad I wasn’ misjudgin’ the guy. People tell me all the time I’m tryin’ t’ projec’ me own ‘preferences’ ont’ characters. Good t’ know I was right on this one.”

Jonathan paused for a moment hearing those words, trying not to blush as a rogue idea crossed his mind. “So then..you are..?”

Speedwagon winked at him with a chuckle. “Yep. Gay as a maypole, mate.”

“O-Oh..I see..” Jonathan glanced away, his cheeks feeling warm. Really, now, how ridiculous was that? He barely knew the man and after one short conversation he felt like a school boy with a crush? Honestly, why was he like this? “Well, in any case, I am truly glad you identified so well with Sir Dray. Honestly, I was overjoyed that William allowed me to caste you for the part- you were a perfect fit.”

“Glad y’ thought so, ‘e caught my attention from the moment I read ‘is description.” He took a sip of his coffee and finished up his croissant. “By the way..mind if I ask y’ one more question ‘bout Dray an’ Samuel?”

“You may ask as many questions as you please- I am always excited to talk about my work.” Jonathan replied honestly, more than happy to discuss such things with someone insightful enough to understand his writing so well.

“Hmh, good t’ know.” Speedwagon smiled and set down his coffee cup before asking his question. “I jus’ wanted t’ know..are Dray’s feelin’s for Samuel one-sided, or does Samuel return some of it? Like I said, I’m fine with Samuel an’ Bella’s romance, but thinkin’ that ‘e doesn’ know ‘bout Dray’s feelin’s or jus’ allows the guy t’ follow ‘im ‘round knowin’ ‘e loves ‘im is kinda sad, y’know?”

“Ah..that is a good question.” Jonathan’s smile softened into something more understanding. “To answer it simply- no, Dray’s feelings are not one-sided. Samuel is quite aware of how his dearest friend feels, and, in one of the scenes I unfortunately had to cut, he discusses with his mentor that he has feelings for both his best friend and his long-time crush. He goes on to say that, in a perfect world, he would be allowed to marry both of them and live a long, happy life with the two who have supported him and showed him such love and kindness right when he needed it the most. His teacher acknowledges that his feelings are pure and that he deserves such a life, but advises him on how, even without the influence of the same dark forces the antagonist controls, that peoples’ hearts are fickle and easily led astray by misconceptions and tells him not to be too public with his affections, for both his own and Dray’s safety. I even wrote a scene towards the end where, after Samuel’s wedding to Bella, when they step into their horse-drawn carriage to be carted off for their honeymoon, Dray was the one waiting to open the door for them instead of a random servant. Dray and Samuel would have shared a loving smile at one another before Dray and Bella winked at each other knowingly and each kissed one of Samuel’s cheeks before all three went off into the carriage together to start their new life.”

Speedwagon listened to his words intently, looking positively riveted by the story. “That sounds beautiful, Jojo! Do y’ still ‘ave a copy with those scenes? I’d love t’ read ‘em some time.”

“Certainly.” He replied with a grin. “Would you like me to bring them to the set during the first rehearsal?”

“Hm..I’d rather not wait that long..” Speedwagon reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen. He then proceeded to write something on his coffee cup as he talked. “Tell y’ what, seein’ as we live so close t’ each other, ‘ow ‘bout we just meet up ‘ere again sometime?” He brought the cup to his lips and chugged the last of his drink before setting the cup down near Jonathan’s hand. “I gotta get goin’, else I’ll miss work, but I usually keep me phone on me.” He gave Jonathan a wink as he stood up and grabbed the rest of his trash before walking away. “Be seein’ y’, Jojo.”

Jonathan’s face heated up again from the wink. “F-Farewell for now, Speedwagon.” He managed a wave and a smile, feeling really shy and screaming at himself internally because DID HE REALLY JUST STUTTER LIKE THAT?!!

Once Speedwagon was out of sight, Jonathan looked back down at the coffee cup and grabbed it. He turned it around until he saw that Speedwagon had written his phone number along the side of it along with a message:

“You’re really cute and I like listening to you talk. Looking forward to doing it again sometime- maybe here, or maybe somewhere else? ;) <3 –Speedwagon”

The heat that had previously been burning at his cheeks blossomed into a full-fledged blush that encompassed both of his cheeks and his ears, leaving his face very red.

So, he wasn’t the only one feeling something? That was good to know…

<-Previous Chapter Next Chapter->

End Notes: That's all I have for now, but will post more when I eventually get the chance x3

Also, for anyone curious about the names of the characters from the play, they're all synonyms or close-enough names to the characters from the regular universe because I am half-lazy and half-bad taste in humor x3

[tenbees]

(1) hi!! this may be a really dumb question but you seem kinda knowledgable and i really want to learn bc i’m clueless. basically, i’ve always wondered what the purpose (for lack of better word) was behind lesbian femme/butch roles? like ik it’s historically pretty significant, but is there a particular “revolutionary” reason behind a masculine person and feminine person being paired together and it being such an iconic part of lesbian herstory? like ik that gender non-conformity is p important

(2) within women, specifically lesbians, especially as a way to signal to other women/lesbians that they are, well, lesbian. it’s also rebelling against assigned cultural and gender roles and the idea that femininity is required to be a “real” woman, and also mainly bc most people assume feminine women and girls are het. but like, there are some lesbians who are feminine themselves and mainly like other feminine women/lesbians. is this a “wrong” or incorrect/narrow minded pairing somehow?

(3) are feminine-presenting lesbians somehow “less” revolutionary than, say, a gnc bi or straight woman? and like, w the femme/butch complementary roles within lesbianism, is this to show that a masc/feminine pairing isn’t inherently hetero/doesn’t exclusively belong to het couples? are feminine lesbians who date other feminine lesbians betraying lesbian culture and appeasing straight men somehow just bc they want to be feminine for each other? i’ve just always wondered about this and

(4) i’m a woman who presents pretty feminine, although if it were up to me i’d just be like. casual feminine. maybe a snapback or sth. but i am attracted to other feminine women and i don’t particularly have a desire to “look good” for a butch/masculine-presenting woman in a sort of complementary yin and yang role/dynamic, i.e “strong butch and soft femme” stereotypes which we see often in the lesbian community. so i was curious about your thoughts on this. thank you and sorry for the spam! 🌷

😭 i’m such a bad person to ask any questions about butch/femme because tbh i don’t really get it.

i think the historical reason for the pairing is that there really was no model for lesbian relationships, so women defaulted to a relationship model that resembled heterosexuality–butches and femmes had to date each other, butches who were fucked by another butch were ridiculed and feminized, people who didn’t fit into either category were seen as outsiders and called kikis, butches had to pursue femmes, etc, but with a little more fluidity because people would sometimes have different roles in different relationships. i think this is a contentious thing to say because it implies that butches are like men but… i’m not sure how you could argue that a system where masculine people Have to date feminine people isn’t drawing deliberate parallels to heterosexuality? especially when people in that time period said that it was safer to be out in public when at first glance you looked like a man and a woman? and i don’t think saying that there are obvious parallels is the same as saying that butches Are men. butches and femmes will also talk about how they each play different roles in the relationship–the butch protects the femme, the femme is a safe place for the butch, the femme protects the butch by existing at her side as a ‘respectable’ looking woman, etc.

i don’t think it’s intended to show that masc/fem couples aren’t inherently het or to rebel against gender norms (although people will say that femmes are revolutionary because they perform femininity for women and not men which i do Not get because the world doesn’t care why you wear a dress & makeup so long as you do it)–people will talk about how they knew deep inside that they were always femme/butch, that they always felt drawn towards protecting feminine women, that they always wanted to give themselves to a masculine woman, etc. i don’t really get it lol and i think @a-real-lesbian-speaks said this mooonths ago, but when i see poetry about like… work boots next to stilettos or a butch needing the arms of a femme and a bunch of people saying that it made them emotional and they can relate so much, i feel the same way that i do when queer people talk about their gender identities tbh. it seems like some internal lesbian-specific gender experience that needs that yin/yang complement and i literally don’t understand when people talk about it, but there you go lol.

i think feminine lesbians disobey cultural standards more than gnc bihet women, but it is a weird question to me because calling one more revolutionary than the other sort of gets into… homosexuality as revolution, when it’s just something we’re born with and that is given this deviant, rebel status by society. feminine lesbians and gnc bihet women also deal with different problems, so it feels like comparing apples and oranges to me.

also, it isn’t narrow-minded to be a feminine woman attracted to other feminine women! butch/femme is a subculture that tbh has gained this weird revered status on tumblr. the amount of people who talk about it compared to the amount of people who actually participate in it is very disproportionate, at least from what i’ve seen. there are many, many lesbians who are neither of them and we can go be confused in our own little corner lol. and who you’re attracted to or choose to date shouldn’t be political anyway.

[carewyncromwell]

1, 2, 15, 16, and 31 for Ru? Need more info on cool new guy!

Hahaha, yes! Let’s talk about my Kelpie Kid! <3

1. Their gender expression re: whole spectrum.

Ru is genderfluid, accepting both he/him/his and they/their pronouns. They largely present as male just out of convenience, since male fashion from that period (1890′s) is a little easier to move around in and doesn’t have as many layers, and because the person Ru took the place of was a boy.

2. Their sexuality re: whole spectrum.

Ru is ace/pan! Though they wouldn’t really think to describe themselves that way. But logically, they are a kelpie interacting with a bunch of humans, so any romance they might ever cultivate would likely be primarily built on romantic attraction.

15. Do they collect anything? Do they control it or it controls them?

Hogwarts is the first time that Ru’s ever had a more “permanent” base of operations, so they’ve taken to collecting a lot more than they ever did previously, now that they have a safe place to keep personal belongings. Their favorite and most standard things to collect are books and thamatropes, but they also have a bit of a problem with holding onto stupid, quirky things like a shard of green glass from a broken bottle or an oddly shaped chicken bone from lunchtime, just because it tickled their brain somehow. Over time they transition into taking pictures of those things, so as to slim down the amount of bobbles they keep.

16. What’s their taste like re: interior design, art, gadgets? If they have (had) money - antiques or modern design? Ikea or whatever? Art collecting, fashion, wine? Pokemon cards in the 90s?

Ru’s fascinated with photography. The recreation of the real world in a small, portable form that can outlast its subject is ridiculously enchanting to them, so they tend to gravitate more toward the Realism art movement, even if it’s considered a bit old fashioned compared to the “newer” Modern art movements of the Victorian era like Impressionism or Expressionism. That being said, even if they like realistic art more than the more abstract, they really enjoy it when realistic artists try to visualize the supernatural or impossible, so I could see them being the sort to enjoy Rene Magritte’s “Surrealist” art from the 1920′s. Ru also is absolutely entranced by thamatropes, zoetropes, phenakistiscopes, and “moving pictures” -- in their seventh year, they pulled some strings to get their hands on a cinematograph of their own and subsequently used it as much as they possibly could.

When it comes to home decor, Ru isn’t picky. As long as it’s relatively dark so they can develop pictures and has walls, a floor, a ceiling, and several doors and windows, that’s all they really look for. It’s likely that they’ll sort of just pile it high with haphazard stacks of books, developed and undeveloped magical photographs, and random sheets of parchment anyway. XD

Food-wise, Ru’s rather flexible about what they eat, though they definitely prefer their meat on the rawer side...but one particular quirk of theirs is their distaste for eating around anyone else. Because they’re used to having to fight with other animals like grindylows for food, Ru even now tends to wait until everyone else has left the Great Hall or take their food out of the Hall with them so that they can eat alone.

31. Their fashion sense as they age - describe it. Is it dead but delicious? Necromancer Barbie? Mall shop goth? Wannabe Parisienne? Do they belong to any subcultures? Any tattoos, piercings? 

Ru tends to dress on the dishelved, but colorful side, with a lot of loose ties, unbuttoned collars, brightly colored jackets and waist coats, and black top hats. Their favorite colors to wear are in the blue/black/gray/green color palette. Although Ru presents male, however, they wear their hair much longer than their contemporaries, and they’re fond enough of jewelry that they frankly don’t care what gender that jewelry was “meant” for. The constant is an enchanted silver chain around their neck, which was, er...”bestowed upon them” by a certain part-Veela Hufflepuff @that-ravenpuff-witch, to serve as a “bridle” of sorts. ;) They also love wearing rings and earrings -- it was very scandalous to both the Hogwarts staff and the Ollivander family when Ru decided to pierce their ears, which was decidedly not something an upstanding gentleman of the era would do. *snort*

World-Building Ask!

[passingthebarexam]

New Post has been published on Bar Exam Mind

New Post has been published on https://www.barexammind.com/dealing-covid-related-bar-exam-delays/

Dealing with COVID-Related Bar Exam Delays

I recently received a comment on a Facebook post referencing my article discussing how the Covid 19 epidemic pandemic might affect the bar exam. The comment asked how to keep a positive mindset in light of the fact that bar exams are being delayed or postponed and the format of the exam itself is being altered.

I thought about it and put together my thoughts in this article. I hope it helps.

If you have ideas that work for you that are not mentioned in this article, please leave a comment. If you disagree with some or even all of the ideas listed below, please comment and offer your suggestions about what you think would be helpful.

Some of the things I say below might sound a little trite given the situations in which some of you now find yourselves. I certainly can’t tell you how to feel and I can’t know how you feel. But, I do know this: 2020 has been by far the strangest year I’ve ever lived through during my several decades on this earth. I’ve been through some more traumatic acute periods of time ranging from a few days to a few weeks in duration, but never something like 2020’s sustained chronic freakishness.

Before we get any further in this article, I want to remind you that I am not a medical doctor, not a psychologist, not a licensed counselor. What follows are all suggestions about things that I think would help. It is advice I would give to a friend or family member who asked me for ideas. If you find yourself in a dark place or are having frightening thoughts, please contact a physician or counselor as soon as you can.

Now, for my suggestions.

Gratitude

You’ve probably heard this one before. It even sounds trite to me, and might even seem a little ridiculous. But this really works.

If you can wake up each morning and think about one or two things from the day before for which you are grateful, it can make a big difference in your outlook on life. If you start the day with was a grateful thought, it will set a positive tone for your day. On the other hand, if the first thing you do is check your news feed and scowl at some politician’s behavior or some terrible events happening in the world, that can start your day with negativity through which you will filter all the events and feelings of the remainder of the day.

Many people keep gratitude journals. They write down one or two things in the morning for which they are grateful. You can purchase many different kinds of gratitude journals (Amazon link (aff.)) or just staple a few sheets of paper together and start writing.

Digital Detox

There are more and more studies showing that too much exposure to digital devices and social media trigger anxiety.  (In children; In young adults; In general.) If you are feeling anxious about the bar exam or anything else and it is starting to overwhelm you, take a break from your phone and the internet. In an ideal world, this would probably be at least one solid day per week. But, if that doesn’t seem like a viable option, try something like this:  stop looking at digital devices after dinner and don’t look at one again until the next day.

Most phones these days have settings that allow you to lock certain apps.  Why not create a setting where you can still send texts and make phone calls, but which locks all other apps for a few hours each day?

Get outside

There are many studies that show time in nature can help enhance your mood. If you’re fortunate enough to live close to hiking trails or a park, take advantage of it. But even if you don’t and you can’t get to such a location, maybe you have a small patch of grass near your residence or in your backyard. If possible, take your shoes off and walk around for a few minutes. Even if the seems kind of ridiculous, it might allow you to remember some happy memories of childhood running around the grass in the summer.

Focus on stability

What things have not changed since the COVID crisis? Are all your family and friends still healthy? Are your house plants still alive? Are you still an intelligent person with the desire to be an attorney?

When the world around us is changing and seemingly out of our control, it can be helpful to look at the things in our lives that have remained stable during the period of change. This can lead us contemplate the world in the future when other things we stable again.

Sleep

People underestimate the power of consistent, solid sleep. Law students and lawyers live in a subculture where sleep is viewed as weakness. But, people who are well-rested generally are able to see the world more clearly and have less anxiety and depression.

So, if you are sleeping less than seven or eight hours per night, try sleeping more for a week and see how you feel.

Allow yourself to be afraid

Don’t squash fear or try to cover it up with denial or foreign substances (e.g., alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.). You are afraid. Admit this world is crazy right now. Admit that you’re not quite sure what’s going happen with the bar exam.

I read about how in Florida they postponed the bar exam just a few days before was scheduled to start! (Florida bar postponed.) It would be terrible to think that something like this could happen again, but if that’s the fear you have, allow yourself to feel it.

Writing your fears down may help. Unlike a  gratitude journal where you might want to go back and look through it in order to remind yourself of what you’re grateful for, the fear journal can be something in which you write down what you are afraid of and then tear out the page and throw it away. This, to me, is not a form of suppressing fear, but of acknowledging it.  You are saying, “I know you exist. I know I’m afraid of you. But, you can’t stop me.”

Remind yourself of earlier chaos

If you graduated from law school and are preparing for the bar exam, then you’re probably at least in your early 20s. Many of you will be a few or even many years older. For most people, if they’ve lived to your early 20s, you’ve experienced at least a handful of chaotic, uncertain situations.

But you got through them. You made it to law school and graduated. Remind yourself of the chaos you’ve survived.

The bar exam situation this year is chaotic. It is unknown. What if there is an uptick in COVID cases and it needs to be postponed again? What if there’s a technical issue that makes a planned online bar exam not work?

I realize it is easier said than done, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Or, a metaphor I prefer, be like water and follow the available path.

Consider your study schedule

If you are someone who has been studying for the bar exam expecting it to be on a particular day and then it gets moved to a date several weeks or months away, you need to reassess how to spend those extras weeks. This will vary for each individual.

If you’re having financial concerns, try to find a way to make a little money for a few weeks. If you’ve been studying conscientiously expecting the bar exam to occur on DAY 0, but the bar exam has been pushed to DAY 150, you can probably stop studying for an extended period of time before restarting your studies closer to the new bar exam date. This will give your brain a break and help you focus on other issues.

Even if finances are not a problem for you, taking a break from studies, if that’s feasible, is probably a good thing. As someone who took two bar exams, I can tell you that studying for the second bar exam was much easier. While it wasn’t a cakewalk by any means, I had set aside over two months to study for the second exam, but in retrospect I probably could have done it in four weeks.

The reason I’m saying this is that if you’ve studied for two months and now you have another two month gap before the rescheduled exam, why not try something you’ve never done before to take your mind off the chaos? If you’ve thought about being an author, write a story or book. If you’ve thought about starting a business that can be started quickly, why not give it a go?

Conclusion

I hope this article helped you at least a little bit. I realize that the future of your legal career must seem unclear. Although I never had to go through a situation like this when I took the bar exam, I have gone through situations in my life where I thought the prospects for a positive outcome in the long-term were bleak. But, as the months and years passed, the outcome was actually pretty good.

So, although it may be difficult for you, try to stay positive. When you feel the negativity getting too much, use one of the techniques above.

  P.S. -- Want a FREE copy of my Bar Exam Mind audiobook?

You can get a free copy of my audiobook when you sign up for a free trial at Audible.com. Get the details by clicking here. Or, you can just get the audiobook directly from Amazon, iTunes or Audible.