#i think they were supposed to be bosses or smth but none of them are in gnshn even tho we were def in mond or liyue by this point

[hua-fei-hua]

last night i had a dream that had something to do with reading a fic abt . well i wanna say "a haunted forest diner" but i've already written a haunted forest diner fic and it was not at all like that. anyway, it was this haunted forest diner fic in the sense that all its patrons were old forest gods of like decay and shit and in order to sneak in, you had to transform into like a deer, and apparently i was a supremely graceful jumper for a stag

but anyway i dreamt that that was a fic that i had apparently read and commented on months ago, but for w/e reason i had never read the replies to, and the author had replied that i seemed like a cool person n that they would have loved to have read some stuff i had written "but it seems you do not have any genshin works up..."

and honest to god all i could think upon reading that was literally "lol skill issue"

[ambyandony]

to put the tags in a more sustainable format:

I have to adjust for the setting and then further plan everything around how i established the setting

basically i have to un-bizarre the adventure

This is a high school au. a no-stand high school AU that is supposed to mirror the events of Vento Aureo. like im not saying there aren't any supernatural elements because just look at Trish's debut, but supernatural shit isn't the standard in the WAYR AU because Stands aren't a thing.

And none of them are really in the mob since, again, it's a high school AU. So most of the crazy ass shit that would happen in canon is reduced to a much less directly-insane analogue for the WAYR AU. Not that it's not insane shit, but it's not inexplicable.

I have to account for context and plan around that. I only offhandedly mentioned Koichi because no Stands means no wild Stand fights and no Stand Arrow shenanigans and no Lighter Test. Koichi was probably there at the school on behalf of Professor Kujo, who is, y'know, a professor, and it probably had something to do with Giorno, sure, but it wasn't nearly as batshit as in canon so I didn't really feel a need to detail it.

And sometimes the context just completely omits shit. Like, I didn't write Sale or Zucchero in the fic at all because they have no motivation to be involved.

I don't think I established this in the fic at all but the principal is Polpo. I don't really write him in the story directly because he's a lot less active of a character than Vice Principal Buccellati, who is like a quasi-guidance counsellor as well as the VP and has, on average, more interaction with the students. Polpo doesn't die and there's no treasure to find so there's no reason for Sale and Zucchero to be involved which is why I didn't include them.

And furthermore, Bruno doesn't have to do anything to get promoted to Capo because, as the Vice Principal, he's already in an analogous position in the school.

And there's probably some question as to Polpo (presumably a capo in canon) being Principal whilst the Boss (of Passione) is relegated to Student Council President (the initials of which are incidentally SCP), i do have my reasons. If I'd wanted a more perfect analogy, then you could presume that Boss would be Principal, Doppio would be Vice Principal, and the other five would be other school faculty (worst school nurse ever, art teacher, swim coach, etc.) plus Buccellati and Abbacchio would prob be faculty too, perhaps Risotto as well, and maybe there is a story to be had there, but it's not this story. That's a different story than WAYR.

I felt it would make for a more enriching story to have primarily students committing espionage and conspiracy and attacking each other lol

But really, you gotta wonder who's actually in power at this high school and not everyone listens to Buccellati even though he's VP. And you'll see what I mean by that later but it's not the most outrageous thing to say that maybe 'Principal' here is more of a figurehead role.

But back to my point about context and adaptation. I also turned a bunch of assassins with supernatural powers into a bunch of schoolkids who are in way over their heads with attempts at espionage and investigation

La Squadra's motivation here isn't that the Boss is underpaying them and they're pissed off about it. La Squadra's motivation is that some of their best friends nearly fucking died after taking a bet a little too far and they want revenge/to figure out why the fuck that happened, and they don't trust cops ofc because 1. acab, 2. they're a bunch of teenage semi-delinquents and/or troublemakers, 3. Sorbet and Gelato are a gay couple 4. Sorbet and Gelato were in fact technically trespassing on private property and also they were kind of bordering on stalker territory so the cops either probably wouldn't give a fuck or would consider it like. karmic or smth

While I figured out something reasonable for Formaggio, and I have something for Illuso that's a lot more goofy as fuck and insane but is an important plot point I've lost steam when it comes to prosciutto and pesci because there isn't a single vaguely normal thing that happens in that arc. they steal a fucking train??? and the protags are hiding in a fucking turtle???? and theyre going to the dark world that makes you old???? how the fuck do i translate this into a non-supernatural, marginally less insane scenario

same with melone. i have like two ideas for his arc but basically everything after illuso has to be so far divorced from canon events im pretty much just making new shit up.

ok wait no i just had a clearer idea of the melone one but it's gonna be really dumb and its not gonna make a lot of sense

Also generally the only people I write into the chapter of an arc are the people who are directly involved in fighting the Stand in that arc. There's like? No Mr President/Turtle Room so most of the time when characters are in the turtle room it just means they're like. staying home or whatever

Also, I've established that my depiction of Italian high school isn't accurate because I'm not italian, and a lot of important setting aspects rely on factors that are inconsistent with Italian schools (read: consistent with the schools i went to). Primarily extracurriculars / afterschool clubs because, according to the internet, those aren't a thing in Italian schools. We can assume the school in WAYR is an outlier and should not be counted.

But also, I established that the clubs, Student Council notwithstanding (I do believe Student Council exists in Italy; most sources seem to suggest it's a university thing, not a high school thing, but I ask that you suspend your disbelief because it is the primary plot point), are not actually officially organised by the school and are basically just the school allowing groups of students a place to assemble as desired after school so long as they are responsible / supervised.

when it comes to non-major characters, if nobody canon fits the role I generally use names of whatever oc I think is relevant, or I make someone up.

i still havent figured out the deal with prosciutto and pesci in wayr

[ruthlesslistener]

you mentioned malenia being kinda like an sjw and I realized smth.. radahns like the opposite, a status quo warrior. he looks up to powerful ppl like godfrey, follows his warmongering ways, hold the stars for sellia and ended up obstructing ppls fate. we only know he wants power during the war. dont know if he wants to change the structure in any way. maybe thats why radahn attracts many dudebros who tend to be sqws that hate non conforming characters like malenia

,,,shit I didn't even realize that, though that's probably because I never gave much thought to Radahn (he just bores me, nothing against him. I like Morgott + Mohg and Miquella + Malenia bc they're cursed. Radahn's just a bro). Personally, I'm kind of hesitant to fully agree because the comparison I made to Malenia being a sjw was just to explain why gamerbros seem to hate her so much more than Radahn, as they're both technically noble demigods who did horrible things post-shattering, but from an outsider perspective I do think that it makes sense as to why people dislike them, even though in-game they're both pretty much the exact same person- that being a highly respected, highly competent warlord who were made into rot-ravaged nightmares on the whims of an Outer God. Lemme compare 'em for example

Malenia:

-Buff woman who whoops ass with sword, which is not what women are supposed to be like

-Fights for brother, which further inverses the usual storied gender roles of a prince fighting for his sister's defense

-The cause that her brother is invested in is challenging the status quo and offering acceptance to all of those shunned/harmed by society

-Brusque and confident in herself; does not have the gentle maternal air that other female fromsoft bosses have. She reminds me more of a rabid wolf than a woman, which I personally really enjoy but again challenges gender roles

-People seem to consider her the warmongering conquering force more often than not, which doesn't make sense because, like...they all are? That's kind of the unifying point of the demigods, their hunger for power and their inability to give up. Also the campaign to Caelid seems to have been an attempt to retrieve her brother instead of actually capture land, so there's that

Radahn:

-Big buff man who whoops ass with sword. Literally every dude's gender presentation goal, including mine. Can't fault the beef here

-Fights for his country and his men, which is again what is expected from him as a demigod prince

-Looks up to Godfrey, a brutal conquerer, and actively made attempts to gain more land. Again, this is typical of the demigods, but a lot of people who focus on Radahn's 'haha horseman' vibes seem to forget that he marched on Leyndell with the attempt to conquer it, unless they're arguing about whether or not

-Given that he's holding back the stars to prevent Ranni's fate from becoming A Thing, I think it's fair to say that he's trying to maintain the status quo. This is most likely because if Ranni's fate aligns, his chances of becoming Elden Lord become slim to none, but it's still an example of keeping up the status quo

See the contrast now? While in-game, Malenia and Radahn are just two sides of the same coin, there's one thing that lead to Malenia getting nonstop hate and butthurt ranting while Radahn was universally enjoyed, and it's that Malenia flips the norms while Radahn abides by them. Again, this isn't really something that applies in-game, since gender in the Lands Between seems to mean basically nothing, but it does explain why people react differently when they encounter them; because Radahn is the token character that you're SUPPOSED to root for, while Malenia challenges socially-prevalent ideals and thus generates a certain level of discomfort in the viewer, even if again, she and Radahn are character parallels.

[rouiettes]

raya and the ugliest fucking dragon i've ever seen holy fuck who the hell thought to give a dragon fuckiNG EYEBROWS WHY WHY—

aka the musings of a filo non-binary bisexual who feels victimized by the dragon designs of this fucking movie supposedly centred around THE LAST DRAGON???? MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED STONE GDI WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY WHY DO THE DRAGONS LOOK LIKE THAT

let's get one thing straight.

none of the characters in this movie. rest assured. not a single straight person was in this movie. trust me.

raya and the last dragon had all the foundations of a good movie

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT

BUT IT WASNT

AND HERE'S WHY

(in my humble opinion okay pls dont come for me)

a disney movie with sea culture at its heart and soul, i was so hyped to finally watch this movie

(not as hyped as i could have been tho bc let's be honest DISNEY DID SHIT WITH RAYA'S MARKETING)

(AND PERHAPS FOR GOOD REASON LOL I SWEAR I DONT HATE THIS MOVIE OKAY)

you had the amazing score, the amazing concepts for plot and characters, the solid solid worldbuilding???

if you just told me about how raya's setting and premise, i'd probably be "wow this movie sound like the whole package"

and then i'll actually watch the movie and have just as much trust issue as raya did :/

but i digress

A DISNEY MOVIE WITH SEA CULTURE AT ITS HEART AND SOUL

do you know how diverse sea culture is??? VERY

and one thing i was very happy to see was how raya handled it

it was by no means perfect but

the subtle shows of culture in the way the characters acted, and the environment of the movie was just CHEF'S KISS

not only that but the ideas the movie had in terms of its world and the people in it felt genuine, it felt alive

a dragon that isn't the typical fire-breathing lizard

characters who look like they could easily be my neighbours or children i've played with

instead of pandering to this movie felt like an actual homage to sea cultures

and for good reason bc seeing all those familiar names rolling in the credits had me feeling some type of way :")

also that fucking soundtrack gave me chills throughout my watch of the movie

okay now that we've got the things i actually like about the movie, let's talk about what i don't like

if there's one word i could use to describe disney's raya it would be: rushed

like i said in the beginning, all the groundwork for an astounding disney movie were already there

but all of it just goes to waste bc the plot and it's characters feel so Unfinished

the movie felt like a bullet-point presentation of the story

WHICH IS SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTING BC THE CHARACTERS SEEMED SO INTERESTING but all we got were shadows of what they could have been

cardboard cutouts of the archetypes they filled

i'm not asking for a bottomless well of depth, but i at least wanted more for the cast than just: angry misunderstood princess, angry misunderstood princess with an undercut, that one dancing kid from moana but with more spice, boss baby, and the mountain

and i get that they had to sacrifice some of their depth to keep the run time of the movie short but you have got to be better than this disney

i hate to compare but it felt like this movie tried to go beyond what moana gave us, and shot so far that it ended up back to where it started, and then stumbled back a few steps

AND IM NOT EVEN SAYING A DRAGON MOVIE WITH A BIG CAST IS IMPOSSIBLE

BC IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON DID IT THREE TIMES

and you'd think the plot for one of the few disney movies with a non-western setting would have more than just a macguffin considering how batshit sea folk tales can be

but you'd think wrong folks.

GENUINELY IT FELT LIKE THEY WERE ATTEMPTING SOMETHING BUT WERE SHORT OF BRINGING IT TO FRUITION

sure moana had a macguffin too with the heart of te fiti, but the heart itself wasn't the heart of the movie

it was the journey of moana and maui

it was that BEAUTIFUL TWIST WITH TE KA AND TE FITI

ALL DELIVERED WITH A NATURAL FINESSE THAT HAD YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT

YOU WERE ALONG FOR THE RIDE OF THE STORY INSTEAD OF QUESTIONING EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON LIKE I WAS

maybe this was just me but like, i felt so bad for the friend who watched this movie with me bc all i could go on and on was how the plot felt like it was getting in the way of itself

why didn't the different kingdoms (??) kept the gem in rotation or smth, when did they decide that heart would keep it and then get mad at heart for keeping it????

why didn't awkwafina dragon just show herself to the kingdoms bc everyone seems to be in agreement that dragons good right? that they would be the key to getting rid of the druun right??? SO THEY'D ALL AT LEAST HEAR HER OUT OR SMTH RIGHT????????

and yes raya has trust issues but it seems to only spring up at the most convenient times plot-wise, we didn't really see her learn to trust other people again OTHER THAN THE TIMES WHERE SISU WOULD HAMFISTEDLY SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE GOOD SOMETIMES RAYA

we see it with boun, but then she just trusts noi, her monkeys, and tong THE GUY WHO STRUNG THEM UP AND WAS THREATENING TO TORTURE THEM????????

i'm gonna be honest and say that if it weren't for namaari i'd have absconded the moment sisu came on screen

as far as i'm considered the actual plot of the movie is just the entire sword fight scene between her and raya

and finally

we get to the part i will be erasing from my brain for my own mental well-being

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DRAGON DESIGN

WHY OH WHY TH  E FUCK DOES SISU SOUND AND LOOK LIKE THAT

my friend said they looked like the ponies from mlp in 3d AND NOW I CAN NEVER UNSEE IT

THEY HAVE EYEBROWS THEY HAVE HUMAN FACES

HUMAN FACES ON MAJESTIC DRAGON BODIES

THE INTERNET HAS COLLECTIVELY DECIDED THAT SISU IS BASICALLY FURRY ELSA

every time we got a sisu close up i lost 5 years to my life

disney i am suing for damages

if you want me to drop the charges i demand raya 2: electric boogaloo but it’s just raya and namaari enemies to friends to lovers ark

and also for them to never say dragon nerds ever again

AGAIN. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON GAVE US BEAUTIFUL DRAGON DESIGNS. HELL IF YOU WANTED MORE EASTERN LOOKING DRAGONS FUCKING SPIRITED AWAY??? HAKU??????????

AND YKNOW WHAT. SISU WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK THAT HORRIFIC IF THE MOVIE WAS IN 2D

im not the first person to be side-eying disney's decision to keep pumping out these 3d movies but like.

no amount of added dimensions could ever make that dragon design okay

and there so many more points i could go off on to show how this movie was rushed

how the other dragons, and even sisu's siblings whom she had been missing for the entire movie DIDNT MAKE A SINGLE SOUND???? NOT EVEN A FUCKING GROWL DISNEY???? DID YOU EVEN TRY WITH THE DRAGONS AT ALL??? THE SUPPOSED CENTRE OF THIS MOVIE'S PLOT?????????

HOW THE CHIEFS OF THE OTHER KINGDOMS WERE BASICALLY PLOT DEVICES????

THAT ONE CHIEF'S SKELETON WAS MORE INTERESTING THAN ANY OF THEM COMBINED ALIVE

kudos to that one granny chief though

u can never have enough bad ass old ladies

AND GOD THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS JUST FELT SO FORCED

ALONG WITH WHATEVER LESSON SISU WANTED TO IMPART ABOUT TRUST

LOVE THESE CHARACTERS THEY ARE FUNNY THEY ARE FRIENDS FOUND FAMILY

TRUST PEOPLE IF U WANT THEM TO TRUST U

TRUST PEOPLE OR ILL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL U

children aren't stupid disney. if you tell your story well enough, they'll pick up on the messages you want to give them. YOU DONT HAVE TO THRUST EVERYTHING IN OUR FACES

i was exhausted by the time i finished this movie

bc i really wanted to love it. i wanted to feel more for it than just: well, it's a movie :)

i dont hate this movie though like it's not even worth the energy for that

i think that ultimately, despite all my issues with it, this movie was a step in the right direction when it comes to having non-western stories being told by non-western people in big name productions

i'm glad raya and the last dragon exists

i just can't help but be dissapointed though bc this movie put so much effort into putting my people and culture at its forefront but at what cost???

good characters and story for a good setting and design????

does it have to be one or the other?????

DOES THE DRAGON HAVE TO HAVE EYEBROWS??????

[euclydya]

For the introject ask!

(only if comfortable)

1. What's your name and source?

6. Do you have any sourcemates in your system?

9. What do you think are your biggest differences from/similarities to your source?

14. Does your appearance differ from your source's appearance?

-Mhirodor/Hunter/James

!!

under the cut bc this is Long whoops -Eden

Eden-B's answers:

My name is Eden-B! I am a fictive from The Bi.ndi.ng Of Is.aa.c: Re.pen.tance ! , ^^

I do, yes ,! We have fictives of Almost every playable character from the game, and a few boss characters, too ! , ^^

I differ a lot from source actually !! Primarily I differ story-wise, but I suppose that isn't saying much, as the characters outside of Isaac don't have much characterization or backstory behind them ! ^^; But in my canon, I was in/came from a mirrored version of the world the game is set in—everyone in the mirrored world mirrored someone in the main world, thus why I call myself Eden-B, as I am a mirrored version of Eden ! , :D

As for similarities, I still glitch out but much less so! In-game I glitch out when I get hurt, but now it only happens when I am fronting and stressed.

My appearance does differ in some ways, yes! , :D! It's not by much, though—my hairstyles differ from what is in-game, as do the Items I have on my person, which also switch up when I glitch out (The items I carry can be anything from the game itself or things not in the game, but that is. A Whole Can Of Worms In Itself, I Think! , ^^ /lighthearted). But overall, not too too much, no! , :3c

Eden's answers:

Full name is technically Eden Moriah. Source is also TB.O.I. 👋

We have sooo goddamn many but E-B already said that HFHDJD

Differences: Almost us playable characters were related in some way. In order of youngest to oldest there's Isaac (5), Maggie (7ish?), Lazarus (12-13ish), Eve (15ish), and Judas (16 or so). Cain (17) & Beth (16) were half step siblings adopted by our dad. And Samson (like, 20 or smth?) was our cousin. No fuckin clue about the mirror world because none of us A-sides (or uh. Non-tainted characters in the game) ever went there but I'm rambling aren't I. Whoops. There are PLENTY of more differences, I could ramble about them for days tbh (pls ask more abt our canon it is my ultimate special interest aha). Also Isaac didn't die in our canon, none of us did... Except Blue Baby and the Forgotten and the Lost BUT they were already canonically extremely dead anyway! /lighthearted

Similarities: Appearances, primarily, I think. Aside from E-B and I, everyone looked just like they did canonically, if that counts as anything HEJSJDJ. But also the start of the game lines up pretty well with our canon too (Tl;dr Isaac escaping from Mom via a trapdoor in his room), our canon just... detailed more on what happened After that initially. Most endings of the game ring true for our canon tbh.

My appearance also differs a tad, yeah! Every time I come up front I look Wildly different, as there's like a trillion items in the game and my schtick is starting with two random ones at the beginning of a playthrough so my looks always Change A Lot in-game. And every time I front is akin to "starting a new run" in the game, so... Yeah. My looks are inconsistent as fuck fhsjajdjdjd

[clockworkrosea]

911, what’s your emergency? (3)

→ summary: they were dangerous. she knew that, and yet, she continues to hunt them. and this? this is her retribution.

→ pairings: jeon jungkook/fem!reader, kim namjoon/oc

→ warnings: graphic depiction of torture, mentions of torture, a lot of mentions of blood, mentions of death, mentions of the mafia, mentions of arson, mentions of fire. graphic description of what the shankill butchers did at the end a/n. 

→ wc: 1.5k

→ a/n: alright sorry this took so long, i first was worried with the depiction of the police then i realized corrupt is not that inaccurate, and then i was trying to get a decent wc. please give me feedback! also if anyone wants to be tagged send me a message, comment or ask or smth. aLso i ended the chapter there bc i didn’t want to reveal who was who yet. y’all can guess tho 👀👀. enjoy the chapter! also i made exo bts’s enemies in the story just for convenience they aren’t actually enemies

→ disclaimer: this is not an accurate depiction of bts and anyone else mentioned in this fic. this is also not an accurate depiction of seoul’s police department, government, and any other institutions mentioned in this fic. 

series masterlist

When Y/N woke up, hours later, she quickly figured out what had happened. They'd laid a trap, and she had walked right into it. She tugged at her restraints, cringing as they chafed her skin roughly. Her head was pounding, and she felt exhausted, but she looked around and analyzed her situation. 

The room was bloodied and dirtied. The blood pooled  Y/N scrunched up her nose in disgust as the smell finally hit her. The coppery scent did nothing to help with her headache. Carefully, she kept her eyes off the ground, the grisly sight of dried and fresh blood enough to make anyone retch.

It felt like hours before someone walked into the room. Y/N groaned, tilting her head up slowly to glance at who it was. Hannah was in front of her, looking down with what seemed to be interest. Despite the gore around the room, she seemed to be calm, albeit slightly disgusted. 

“Well, well, well. I won’t lie, I expected better of you.” Hannah said, looking her up and down. 

"Getting kidnapped by the mafia isn't very high up on my list of dangers, unfortunately. Sorry to disappoint, though." Y/N snorted, staring at her kidnapper. Well, technically the orchestrator. Hannah didn’t look strong enough to drag her all the way to their car. Y/N waited for the pain that was surely to pay her back for her sassiness. 

Surprisingly, Hannah snickered. 

“I like you. Sassy. Unfortunately no one else that lives here would’ve taken that too kindly, so I’d be a little more careful.” She warned, although the effect was lost as a result of the smirk on her face. Hannah left the room, daintily stepping around the blood stains. 

“You’ll need to convince Namjoon to let you out. Although, I’m not totally sure you’d enjoy it out here.” Hannah said cheerily, shutting the heavy metal door. Y/N blinked in surprise, not actually expecting to get help. She nods slowly, careful to keep her head as stable as possible. 

It felt like hours had passed when another person finally entered. This was the other man that had been standing by Hannah during the ill-fated conversation. Ill-fated for Y/N, of course. She observed the man, assuming this was Namjoon. 

He was...different from what she'd expected. Realistically, neither of the leaders were what she’d expected. Both exuded power, yet they had none of the sadism she’d come to expect from mafia leaders. They were relaxed, yet they had the traditional personality type of a strong mob boss. 

Y/N had also talked to them for a grand total of 5 minutes. Namjoon stared at her, seemingly contemplating something. Y/N shifted nervously, running her tongue over her lips. Finally, he smirked and spoke.

"I think we'll let you go. No point in keeping you here." She nearly tipped the weak wooden chair over in her shock, barely managing to tip it back in time. When she looked back at Namjoon, he was smirking as he watched her struggle. 

“You’re smarter than Jungkook gives you credit for. I’d thank him, if I were you. Had he not been so annoying you’d be stuck in here, and, well, it's not exactly a great place to be." Namjoon motioned to the blood-covered walls. He stepped over to her seat carefully and slashed through the ties binding her legs and feet. 

Y/N stood up hesitantly, taking a couple steps forward. Namjoon followed behind her, with practiced grace, and he watched as she slipped. She looked at her hands, sticky with drying blood. It slowly dripped off of her hands as she carefully got up. Namjoon stepped past her, opening the door. 

She left the room hesitantly, slightly intimidated at the thought of staying in a house with 8 mafia members. Despite the bloodiness of the room, it had become familiar, and Y/N wasn’t particularly eager to leave it. 

“Down the hall, on the right.” Namjoon’s voice broke her out of her thoughts. When she looked at him, slight confusion evident, he motioned to her hands. She nodded, before making her way down the carpeted hallway. 

It was modest, yet subtly extravagant. They didn’t have many decorations, but it’d clearly been strategic. She could see there was thought behind the placement of plants, desks, and chairs in the hallway. Even while she’d been living in her home, her paranoia, similarly to many other members of the police force, had been through the roof. It was probably much worse for them, considering the design of one hallway reflected clear defenses against intruders. Feeling Namjoon’s eyes on her, she quickly stepped into the bathroom. 

It didn’t take long to wash the blood off. Once she’d stepped back out, Namjoon was waiting for her, face still impassive. He nodded to her, motioning for her to follow him. Y/N stumbled slightly as she rushed to catch up with his brisk pace.

“Where are we going?” She couldn’t help but ask him. He shot her a sharp glare, quickly shutting her up. It also surprised her, considering what she asked was an innocent question. To be fair, he’d also seemed significantly more tense after she’d finished washing her hands. Something probably happened in the five minutes, and she was on the receiving end of his annoyance.

It took a couple minutes, winding through  halls and rooms, to find wherever Namjoon's destination was. When Y/N looked inside, all she does is sigh. This had been coming, she knew, but that didn’t make her any more eager to meet them. 

Namjoon cleared his throat, bringing the attention to the two standing in the archway. 

Y/N didn’t recognize anyone, as expected, but she matches faces to positions and positions to crimes. As with everyone else in the room, she was well aware she was at a major disadvantage. Namjoon guided her over to an empty couch, and Y/N sat down carefully.

First, she looked for the doctor. Y/N first figured out his existence in the early stages of her assignment, when the previous detective had quit. It was well known that there were 8 members of Bangtan, yet Y/N had only been able to find seven distinct signatures among the crimes. Originally, she’d assumed that the final member had been a drug dealer or enforcer, rather than participating in the murders. It’d taken a month and a small gang war for her to conclude that the last one had to be a doctor. There had been no increase in hospital admissions within Seoul, yet Y/N knew they’d been injured. 

The doctor takes the shape of a smiling man with sharp almond eyes. 

Next, she scanned for the arsonist. The previous detective, Suho, had tracked the string of fires supposedly in connection to BTS. 4 months later, Y/N had confirmed the Arson to be among the inner circle. EXO, a then-recent enemy of Bangtan, had had their temporary headquarters burned down. It was well known that Bangtan had orchestrated the attack, allowing them to uncover another member of the group.

The arsonist takes the shape of a glaring man with twitching hands. 

The interrogator, a terrifying force of death. He’d been the easiest to uncover, and Y/N’s team had tried to track most of his movements. Suho had told her about the first time they’d found one of his bodies. It’d been mutilated beyond recognition. The final cause of death had been a deep slash to the jugular, like the Shankill Butchers. Electrical burns decorated the poor man’s skin, and shallow slashes covered his entire body. The coroner’s report had specified that none of the cuts had been deep enough to kill. Y/N got through about half of the report before she’d had to put it down. 

The interrogator takes the shape of a man with doe eyes and scarred hands. 

Finally, the leaders. Some of their smaller, less experienced teams had tracked the movements of the kingpin early on. Suho’s team had been the one to uncover the other mob boss: a well-hidden daughter of a dead businessman. It hadn’t been a surprise no one had discovered her, considering the lack of information on the whole network. According to Suho’s informant, no one in the lower ranks had ever seen the other boss. Shortly after, they’d found his body, tortured and broken. 

The leaders are a man and a woman with angry eyes and bloodied hands. 

“So,” Hannah spoke, looking at her with hidden amusement. “I suppose we should introduce ourselves. After all, we already know so much about you.” 

“You know me. Kind of. I’m Hannah Zhang. Bangtan’s godmother, donna, leader, etc. If you hurt any of us, I will kill you.” She continued cheerfully. Then, Hannah motioned for another man to talk. Even before he began, Y/N identified him as their doctor. He seemed kind, she thought. Then again, he also was in the inner circles of a top mafia well-known for their ability to kill.

→ tagged: @btstxtgenre​

→ a/n: again i get this could be a little confusing, so feel free to send me any questions you have and i’ll answer them :) the shankill butchers were a group of loyalists who operated out of the shankill area in belfast, ireland. they were responsible for many violent sectarian attacks, in which they would slash their victims’ throats nearly through to their spines. basically they were violent and almost beheaded people but not quite 

[fightpunk]

*me seeing post about Takayama n' Omori* I see you're a person of culture as well. Could I request smth for toll bean Takayama? I mean, who wouldn't want a head lock from them thicc boi.

Every time is see this ask in my inbox I see the word headlock and thicc in the same sentence and I lose my fucking mind.

Hopefully this is something y’all like and it didn’t become too self indulgent.

nsfw under the cut

Well, this is certainly a very rude awakening at a very bad time.

Staring at these two massive men spar is really not supposed to be doing things to you, but every once in a while you see a muscle flex or a shoulder roll or a back arch and you can’t stop the little hitch in your breathing. It’s killing you. You hated that you had to come along to this and you really hated that you had to take part in it.

Working under Metsudo was supposed to be amazing. Health benefits, a huge pay check, meeting interesting people. You knew there had to be some drawbacks somewhere, but god, you didn’t expect it in the form of your boss’ guard dogs. Huge slabs of muscle, literally five seconds away from tearing anyone’s head off. They were scary and the people you had to work closely with. This meant you were stuck with them.

Takayama has managed to get Omori in a rear naked choke and you’re pretty sure you’re choking more than he is. Omori taps before he can pass out, huffing as he stands and dusts himself off. He stalks off, still high off of adrenaline and wanting to fight. They take their time catching their breath while you’re busy starting to panic. This means you’re next, and you’re going up against Takayama. Sure, they told you it was just to test and see where you stand in regular combat, but it still makes you nervous. Your job is very weapons focused because you’re not as big or strong as these two. It’s what your background is in, and being bare-handed is a huge handicap to you.

“Are you ready?” Takayama’s voice rumbles from deep in his chest, getting muffled by his mask.

“I guess.” You answer, slowly making your way over to stand in front of him. Every time you stand near him, it feels like he’s grown a few more inches, towering over you even more than the last time you’ve seen him.

“You guess?” He squints down at you. You’re trying very hard not to watch a sweat droplet roll down his chest at the moment. Of course they had to be shirtless.

You hear Omori sigh somewhere behind you. “It’s light sparring to see what you need to work on. Just tap when you feel like you’ll get hurt.”

You wanna tap right now. You understand they’re just trying to help and make sure Metsudo has reliable people working for him, but this is torture for you and they don’t even know.

You take in a shaky breath and carefully get into your stance. “Ok.”

“I’m ready.”

Takayama wastes no time in closing the distance between you both. You throw a punch and it does nothing. He walks right through it. Honestly, this has gotten terrifying real quick. A massive hand locks around your wrist, yanking you forward and the next thing you know your head is locked between his side and his bicep. He moved you like a doll.

Your stomach twists violently, being filled with butterflies and tingles and shame. You’re finding out a lot of things about yourself today, like the fact you actually like being manhandled by your coworker. Your hand raises to grab his arm while the other rests on his lower back, feeling all the thick muscles underneath his skin. He’s a fucking brick house.

His arm flexes, squeezing your head and making you groan from the pressure. He could pop your head like a grape, and with the way all this is shooting straight to your groin, you’re pretty sure you’d let him. Your struggles are half-hearted, a thin excuse to grab handfuls of him and push at him. Your head feels fuzzy and you can’t tell if it’s from cut off circulation or arousal or both.

“Tap.” He snarls and you can feel his voice rumble through you. His grip tightens and you can’t stop the choked off noises you’re making. It’s really starting to hurt, you can tell you’re going to have a headache from this if you don’t pass out first. Your vision is darkening around the sides. His grip loosens and for a moment you think he’ll just let you go, realizing your an idiot with no sense of self-preservation. Instead, his bicep flexes again, the sudden pressure making you feel like your head is about to explode and your insides pulse. What a nasty move.

Your hands scramble, smacking against his arm to get him to let go of you. The release is sudden, letting too much blood rush back to your head and giving you a vicious headache that throbs with your pulse. He lets you fall into the dirt, standing over you and effectively blocking out the sun. You’re wheezing and you’re pretty sure you drooled during that terrible display of self-control. Your underwear feels uncomfortable and sticky. What a nightmare.

Takayama nudges your arm with his foot and you crack your eyes open. He’s staring down at you, squinting as if he knows what’s up with you. Omori walks over, looking down at you as well with a raised brow.

You’d love nothing more than to be fucked by them right now. Be called terrible names and have them use you. Humiliate you even more.

But they give you none of that, simply helping you sit up and making sure you’re not about to keel over and die. Omori begins to tell you what training you’ll begin but you can barely listen. Takayama is silent, staring at you with judgement in his eyes.

You just wanna go to your room and get rid of this burning feeling in your pants.

[shijiujun]

history3 ep10 summary - POOR SHAO FEI AND TANG YI BB, this is what heartbreak looks like

I JUST ABOUT DIED. I DID. THE LAST PART WAS MAD - just this 30 seconds alone carried the entire fucking episode

We are at the halfway mark - Part of me doesn’t want it to end at all but I need to see the birthday cake and domestic scenes ASAP!! Currently I’m just enjoying the ride and so glad we get to see Chris and Jake and Andy and Kenny and everyone of those other hot and excellent actors in this show. I’ve never done a GIF or subtitled in all my years on tumblr before History3 - life changing this is what this show is and I’m so happy we’re all doing this together! Let’s make it through the halfway mark together omgosh excited guys!!!!!

Shopping scene with Shao Fei + Hong Ye: Hong Ye is telling SF to walk faster they go into a department store and she keeps changing clothes OMG LOL THEY ARE SO CUTE TGT!!! She wears smth with ruffles and then asks SF how it looks and then he’s like ‘why do u look like a seaweed’ and she’s like ‘who’s a seaweed you’re a seaweed’ and then she dances LOL and then LOL HE FELL ASLEEP WHILE SHOPPING WITH HER AND LOST HER omg Shao Fei seriously

They’re playing a game on the escalator this is the funniest shit and OF COURSE she brings him to a lingerie shop and omg Shao Fei so poor thing just sits there and OMG YAS HONG YE SISTER-BROTHER RIVALRY and she buys him UNDERWEAR and she’s like “hang on a second, this is too big for you, you need a smaller one” LOL BURN

Carpark/shooting scene: They’re almost like friends or something, although later after we see the hong ye and bodyguard ah de scene you’ll realise why she was speaking to shao fei like that (because she knew smth was going to happen and she thought everything was going to go to plan but who knew they were coming with guns) and anw, then the bullets start going off and shao fei protects her with all of his body like OH MY GOD - And wow the angle of the shot and how it struck SF is totally wrong and omggg this scene was faster than I thought JESUS CHRIST - is it just me or did Shao Fei get hit on the wrong side? Either they missed a scene or the bullet came from elsewhere

and then we get the scene of tang yi storming into the hospital and he goes straight for hong ye first, hugs her as she cries etc. and then hot doctor is there and when hot doctor is NOT SMILING  YOU KNOW SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN - anyway, the nurse tells hot doctor that the surgery has been prepped, and then hot doctor nods and says ‘let’s go’ - and that’s when tang yi REMEMBERS AND LOOKS UP - “is that for meng shao fei?” And his look of absolute regret is ridiculous

and hot doctor just somberly nods 

Police chief STILL DOESNT KNOW THAT SHAO FEI HAS BEEN SHOT omg he’s going around doing his usual shit and everyone is clearing shit with him and fuck he misses shao fei so much I like that they finally show that shao fei is useful in the office and everyone is dependent on him and then suddenly Yu Qi turns up because she somehow got the call that shao fei is in the hospital

Oh goddddd Tang Yi’s face as he sits there AND LOL Dao yi (glasses guy) knows police chief quite well he called him Brother Bao, and tells him to calm down and they will take care of everything but POLICE CHIEF AINT HAVING NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT he pushes dao yi aside and this is one of the only times he can legit grab a mob boss by the neck and not get shot at after - police chief loves Shao Fei so much you can tell he totally lost it and Hong Ye genuinely feels bad and she’s saying sorry over and over to him as tang yi sits there catatonic - tang yi is totally quiet

also not sure if you guys caught it but the older guy in the investigative team, the one who always kind of says smth subtly bad about shao fei, he shot a look to bodyguard ah de when police chief was confronting tang yi in the hospital - they are totally up to something, corrupt police!!!!

The rest of the investigative team - LOL Zhao zi: “wow I’ve never seen police boss chief grab someone so much larger than him by the neck” - Yu Qi really likes Shao Fei, she’s crying by herself at the stairs and police chief is the one who’s standing by Shao fei’s door the moment he’s out of surgery and he scoffs “what ‘they’ll take care of everything’? the moment they heard shao fei was going to pull through they all left’- he tells zhao zi that they’ll start investigating who the fuck was behind the shooting and reminds them all to be careful

Captain Shi: “those who dare to touch any one from the investigative team, I’ll bring them all back to the police station!!!!”

OMG WE GET THE SCENE WHERE TANG YI IS HOTLY WALKING AND RIPPING OFF HIS JACKET AND OH JESUS CHRIST BRASS KNUCKLES?!!! Anw here’s the gem oh my god: Tang yi comes in where the culprit is already seated and he tells everyone to get the fuck out (OMG YOU KNOW HE MEANS BUSINESS) 

Ah De is like ‘boss, this is a small thing, let me do it’ - and he’s so damn insistent on interrogating the culprit himself even though tang yi is literally ready to set fire on the bitch you know and i’m like AH DE THAT IS SO NOT SMART YOU WANNA DIE?!

and well, we all called it - tang yi hears that and he’s like wtf and he gets mad, hauls bodyguard ah de off his feet and slams him against the wall and yells: “SMALL THING?! HE TOUCHED MY PEOPLE, AND YOU CALL IT A SMALL THING?!”

and bodyguard is like fuckkkk: “yes i’m sorry boss, i said the wrong thing, i’ll leave now”

and then he goes out and hovers by the door while tang yi puts on his brass knuckles and starts punching the dude who is yelling a bit like... not realistically HAHAHAHA - and omg Jack hit it right on the nail, he asked Brother De why he looks so worried and ‘jokingly’ asks, “why, do u know the person inside?” And Brother De is so angry and defensive - jack totally knows what is up

Brother de and Hong Ye meet up and here we find out that they ordered the hit on shao fei in a sense to get rid of him - they wanted to show tang yi that shao fei can’t protect anyone and then chase him away, but they were supposed to come teach shao fei a lesson with like wooden sticks and not guns - hong ye was a bit stunned by that as well and she asked ah de like wtf did you really want to kill me?! and ah de is like confused also, he doesn’t really know how the plan went wrong?! and hong ye is like, whatever, i will cooperate with you only up to here, if tang yi manages to get any answers, it’s all on you (like not cool hong ye, tang yi would totes forgive you if you just admitted it i think)

anyway, switch to the balcony scene with tang yi and jack, where jack asks who it was that ordered the hit, and tang yi says: “chen wen hao”

okay so my theory is that maybe chen wen hao really has smth to do with this - he kind of derailed the plan and changed it to legitly wanting to kil hong ye and shao fei (more hong ye than shao fei more likely) - but right now they dont know it they just think that they’re safe and their story checks out

Okay so Hong Ye and Dao Yi - Gosh she’s kind of a brat but I get where she’s coming from. anyway she leaves brother de and then dao yi is waiting for her in the carpark - the man knows he way better than she knows herself, and i think he knows that she had something to do with the shooting, but he didn’t say anything except to hint that she better leave shao fei up to tang yi and stop trying to interfere. hong ye is adamant that shao fei is a different kind of person from them, and dao yi is like: “that’s for the boss to decide. the way he treats him... shao fei is different to him”

OH MY GOD THANK YOU SOMEONE SAYING IT AS IT IS FINALLY NO MORE SUBTLE LOOKS AND SMILES SOMEONE SAID IT

and anw, hong ye manages to make this entire thing about her and how dao yi doesn’t love her - sister, i really get you and dao yi really needs to get his shit together, but srsly, a man just got shot for you because you were unhappy with his presence - and gosh unrequited (actually requited) love, but i get her in this part

but seriously, i get that she want shao fei out of the way but they way she did it was totally wrong, does she not know that tang yi is soft for him and cares for him like he has no one else before? she was willing to hurt him to make a point, and then ah de is - gosh dude get a grip

AND OMGGGGGG TANG YI’S FACE AS HE IS BY SHAO FEI’S BEDSIDE - this is what heartbreak looks like guys, he looks like he’s saying goodbye and his fucking expression - wow Chris did a fucking good job he totally looks heartbroken and as if shao fei died or smth, he’s holding his hand and air-tracing his nose and he looks like he’s going to cry - HE REALLY LOVES HIM GUYS - the emotion was really right on point

(and lol the chinese audience - they were scolding tang yi during the first part of the ep because he didn’t seem to have much of a reaction to shao fei’s injury and then when the last part came everyone went BATSHIT CRAZY)

what the fuck is going to happen next episode? i ask, but i know already - tang yi is getting ready to say goodbye to shao fei and push him away because he realised how dangerous it is for shao fei to be around him BUT OUR FAVE CHARACTERS WILL FIND SOME WAY TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN NO WORRIES I DOUBT THEIR BREAKUP WILL LAST MORE THAN AN EP

[roccoreceipts-blog]

CALLOUT FOR MARS / BARON / ROCCO / MIMI / PIPPI / MARIA WHO CURRENTLY OWNS @VINYLBITCHIN + @HANDFUCKIING + @FLESHPRAY + @SHESCHISM + BUNKERKEPT . CONTENT WARNING FOR ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, RACEFAKING, ETC.
 


a quick introduction though i'm kinda uncomfortable, im 17 i run a few blogs on this hellsite and i have some concerns for people's safety. this isn't a petty post either, is genuinely fearful for myself and others she's abused in the past and will continue to do so and it's about time we all came out about this because it's gone on way too long and i blame myself more than anything for holding back. i just felt unsafe and i do more so now but it's worth other people's safety. and everybody knows i'm definitely not one to do something like this and i've had such a hard time coming out about this from guilt. i want to make this short and to the point. i don't wanna take up too much time because we could go off for hours about all of her drastic lies like how she supposedly got hypothermia in 45 degree weather or how she lied about being in a s.chool s.hooting ( one , two , three ) ironically she had sent me a fanfiction of the c.olumbine s.hooters in the past and guilt tripped me the moment i said it wasn't right. or the time she told me she was taken hostage which i might have stayed believing if it weren't for the fact she was roleplaying with a character from that movie on her @lleeta blog not too long ago ( one , two , three ) but anyway.

im never gonna be able to recover completely but i want to reach out and warn people. me and others have gone through her explicit / obsessive / rape roleplays but i can fucking guarantee no matter how many times i was ( or the others ) guilt tripped into saying YES despite how uncomfortable i was but couldn't tell her , she does still do them from what i know. she tends to warp characters ( other muns put in these scenarios have told me the same thing bc she did it to multiple people ) to make them far more obsessive / creepy then they are even meant to be. i'll start out by saying ive known rocco since the end of 2015 or so and we instantly became friends. we quickly made our ocs out to be affiliated, though they were SUPPOSED to be father and daughter (and often i would let her portray an oc i of mine who is supposed to be a love interest), she would always propose obsessive rape plots, and even an explicit plot of a forced marriage au between the father and daughter muses which was clear she wanted to lead to smut (warning for a graphic detail i can't get out of my fucking head was her saying she could imagine hannah / the daughter on her knees being forced to unbuckle his belt but said it as if it were almost ? something she got ? in a way , excited over ??) of course i don't have many screenshots of these things especially because i was isolated by her for about a year at the time , trusted her , and no matter how sick or anxious ive felt getting her messages i didn't really know i had the choice to come out about it , especially considering how hostile she would be when i had friends or even my ex .

( one , two , three , four , five ) we were actually dating at this time, which was a relationship i was basically forced / guilt tripped in after saying no countless times. she would often numb me down when i would say no to things, whether it was her asking to be in a relationship with me or even roleplay, in which at one point i've counted 20+ screenshots of her constantly begging even though i had just declined. at this time is when i was isolated so i don't the have exact proof because again, i didn't know about the abuse going on in front of my face and i didn't known what to do about it. she would constantly guilt trip me over these things and i felt very vulnerable though i do tend to play things off when i'm uncomfortable.

now i'll move on to some more recent -ish shit or at least things i haven't completely blocked out from my memory since that's most of what i have. we've been friends on and off because she had eventually set me off, our first fight being me angry that she couldn't handle when i declined her roleplays. so it's been a long cycle of me blocking her from discomfort, only for her to constantly make or log into old blogs to try and contact me to manipulate me into friendship again. and it worked. too many times. after all of that, she began to test boundaries which is something she usually does. this included throwing attitude for no reason ( i remember a time i was supposed to be making her icons and couldn't at the time and her response was "it's not that fucking hard" // she's even sent me a screenshot herself before of her in a groupchat where one of the participants had said something and told them "literally nobody cares" and expected me to comfort her after that ) + saying things she knows is wrong + stealing or making blatant rip offs of my original character ( one , two , of course there are far more instances like the time she ran @viirginblood but that's not the point of this post so i'm skipping over that ) + bringing up my past relationships / sometimes family or financial issues + constantly bringing up the fact we got in fights i was trying to move past or try to make me feel bad if i didn't reply right away ( one , two , three , four , five / she also acted very controlling to me any time i wouldn't answer so i would be forced to give an explaination and she would pretend it wasn't just her being "worried" ) + manipulating her into following her / bossing me into doing things she wanted ( one , two ). even some new information came to light that i was completely oblivious to; obviously any time i had a friend or a significant other she had no problem portraying blatant jealousy, i was also informed she was acting possessive of me even when i wasn't around, when i was actually NOT TALKING TO HER AT ALL ( one , two ) . which really freaked me the fuck out.

she would also constantly TRY to spite me when we weren't friends. she's admitted it. she's also admitted in a group call, that i still have contact with one of the participants, that she stalked me when we stopped talking and got her friends to "keep tabs on me" i was also informed of her stalking another minor not too long ago and going back to the spite stealing, it wasn't just one oc, it was concept ideas, urls, even going as far to LITERALLY flat out steal the oc i let her portray ( the one she obsessively wrote out rape roleplays with ) , lied by saying it was a "misunderstanding".

shes also is a rapist and pedophile apologist ! she roleplayed dolores of l.olita and a few people including myself can recall her literally posting / asking for a humbert to roleplay with. i don't know a lot about the film / book itself but i DO know humbert is the pedophile who abused dolores. here's some screenshots of her not only apologizing his actions burn theowing a pity party over it, claiming shen had a right to roleplay dolores getting, what i imagine must have been sexually abused ( one , two , three ).

her relationship with her ex, ( for those of you who don't know ollie you can probably easily find some information on him as a fill in on what he's done / warning for rape ) ,   she helped him catfish / fake his identity to hide what he did, shows hostility toward the rape victim and shows behavior of a rapist apologist again + talked some nasty transphobic shit about me , not to mention again , i'm underage so that's weird that it's focused on my body especially considering she's 18 here, not to mention she's not still obsessing over me when we aren't talking ( one , two ) + on her @roccospeaks blog she had a while back , she deleted the posts but i'm sure plenty of people saw that she and others were claiming that ollie was FAKING A TRANS IDENTITY ( and this isn't a kiss ass moment to him, i'm just pointing this out: this was after she made those transphobic remarks about me so i highly doubt she can blame her transphobia on being "drunk" here ) because he was wearing makeup and had a feminine appearance . i'm pretty sure the post is still floating about somewhere so if you can find it, it's all there . she continued to focus on me despite we weren't talking, blamed me for being the source of her suicidal tendencies that she's had since i've known her, ironically though she's also told me i'm the reason she says alive in the past — and something she thinks blocking her for comfort is a manipulation tactic or game to her ?? / that and here's some of her guilt tripping all because i soft blocked her ( one , two , three )

i had also recently ended a relationship with an ex of mine , which wasn't ANY of her business but she constantly brought her up plenty of times. as shown above, she's was insisting that my vague posts about ending my relationship were about her no matter what i said ( one , two , three ) + doing so either herself or i suspect getting ollie or his friends to send me anons about MY relationship because i didn't tell anybody else about it, but she sure as hell did ! all while putting blame on me ( one , two )

here are some messages i have of someone informing me she was actually racefaking ! and the funny thing about this is she's white. or at least from what i know? i know she has indeed sent me a link to a post before of a black mun venting about white people or smth like that which was NONE of my fucking business esp considering i wasn't following this person and she told me after sending me the link to the post "i thought i could trust them" where she tried tin get me to comfort her ?? this is also interesting, here she is talking about a minor, THREATENING THAT SAME MINOR, not to mention dissing sex workers and putting an input on reverse racism.

heres more of her obsessive / controlling behaviors over not letting people follow / interact with me out of sheer spite and not wanting them to be able to know what she has done ( one , two , three , four , five , six , though there's many more i lost ) here's more evidence of her interest in writing problematic issues / warning for rape ( one , two ) i have many more screenshots of her situations with ollie but chose not to post them; however if you would like to see them you can ask me, it's just her encouraging him to hack me plus some gaslighting aftermath shen sent me on mun personal when things didn't go her way.

she has also lied about her age to smut multiple times in the past , claimed to be of age here and on multiple blogs. she was at least sixteen at the time. also mentions shes underage here but then says she could LEGALLY portray sexual assault ?? and here's her saying she WILL have depictions of pedophilia on her blog. keep in mind we've known each other for a long time, though it was on and off; she knows very well i'm not 18. if told her before countless times AND it's all over my rules. BUT YET, she's persistent on sending me explicit content KNOWING IM A MINOR / ADMITTING SHE IS 18 after i had vagued about my discomfort ( one , two , three )

as i mentioned above she was always presenting nasty plots to me; i can't stress the fact that it DID make me uncomfortable whether i decided to play it off or not, but later on, when she was indeed of age, presented to me an old, incestous plot and then had the audacity to put the blame on ME, whenever i strictly recall her wanting to ship them / make the more brothers in the first place. my character had already had a brother, her oc she actually made back in 2016 was a spiral off of this canon character. so even afternoon she blamed me for it, we established that i said no, she still chose to focus on his childhood with romance. ( one , two , three , four )

again, im not the only person she's has abused like this. and compared to the things she put ALL OF US through, these have to be some of the lightest fucking examples. but i do hope it is enough to keep others safe or be a warning. i also haven't mentioned anybody for their safety, but if you think you would be willing to share your story you can add on or whatever to get it out their. i really hope you can take my word for or it as well, because it wasn't very hard for me to put myself out here but i think i did the right thing for others.

and last but not least, if she's seeing this, here's a big fat "fuck you" from all us, what you put us through, and blamed us for.

[kasunex]

Yesterday me and @heiligelanze were bored so I made this trash complaining about P4. Don’t read if you like P4. Unless you are very chill about people hating on it. 

we talk about why p4 is not good. 

#1 - Boring characters

Yosuke: Wah wah small town is borin (why doesn't he just plan to move when he's older), also homophobic in way that suggests writers thought we were too. neck is too long. Also not closeted >:/

Yu Narukami: Stupid name, stupid design, stupid fuckin face, I hate him, no character arc or character at all, Gary Stu. Boring peice of shit. Also. Not GAY Enough >:/

Yukiko: Boring. Thinks she's trapped into being innkeeper when not at all. Never tells parents she doesn't want to or makes any attempt to change anything. Only other character trait is laughs (annoying)

Chie: Guyz I like kung fu n meat isnt that quirky, (bc apparently women don't like meat?????) also not gay or trans >:/

Kanji: Almost good. But misleads to think he is good representative media pushing artistic gay man strugling against stereotypes that gays rnt tough. Actually about gender roles but not well explored. Hinted to be bi at best. Atlus u fuckin cowards let me be gay for once >>>>>>>>>://////////////////

Rise: 2 kawaii. Gets annoying. Unwarranted, undeserved crush on main character you cant say no to. (But unlike p3 game doesn't make u with her but we will get to THAT LATER FUCKING P4G)

Naoto: Too good for game. Shoulda been trans tho. 

Teddie: Remove or kill. Annoying af. Tries to steal ur girl. Major mysognist (game is like lol) 

Mitsuo: Insulting to ugly people and to gamer fanbase

Moorako: Insulting to ugly people. Hahah who cares hes dead he was uggo lol

Hanako: Fat ppl r gross rite guys lollolollolllollolololollollololl haha she thinks she's atrratcievew lolololo fat pppl thinkin their hot lololololololo

Kashiwagi: She's old but busted except she looks 30 and treated as gross icky old woman when real teens would be like "I wanna bang dat shit on de desk"

Dojima: Ok I guess

Nanako: Emotional manipulation. doesn't die. unrealistically precious and mature. 

Adachi: Presents as awkward relatable BUT NO ACTUALLY EVIL OVER THE TOP EVIL MUHAHAHA because he couldn't just be a cool guy with a darker side, had to be ANIME CRAZY EVIL DID IT FOR THE LULZ

Namatame: Not built up enough, comes fuckiin out of nowhere

Izanami: Comes even more da faq outta nowhere (GUYS THAT GAS STATION ATTENDENT SHAKING YOUR HAND OBVS EQUALS EVIL OR PLOT SIGNIFICANT LOL) also rips off Nyx and does it shitty

Ameno-Sagiri: Comes even MORE da faq outtta nowhere and vanishes da faq outta nowhere, also irrelevant to plot and meaningless distraction

Margret: Boring af, no personality at all, Elizabeth was more fun 

Saki: Underdeveloped bitch, supposed to be so sad when dies despite not being shown for anythin but bitch also supposed to feel bad for yosuke when she dies even tho she hated him and he would have been rejected anyway seriously wtf

Marie: COMPLETELY IRREDEMABLE GARBAGE FIRE OF PANDERING TRASH. SHOEHORNED INTO PLOT WHEN COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND IRRELEVANT. GAME FORCES HER AS LOVE INTEREST WHEN SHE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STEAL WORST GIRL FROM YUKIKO. ANNOYING TSUNDERE STEREOTYPE. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SELF.

#2 - Shit plot

Boring af. Crappy tonal issues all the way thru. WAY TO SLICE OF LIFE WHO FUCKIN CARES. 

HEY IM A TRANSFER STUDENT JUST LIKE LAST GAME LOL. Everyone loves me immediately even tho im a lil bitch. 

Oh noes murder of some random chick we never met so sad ;~;

Meet Chie n Yukiko both boring af, immediately like me 

Yosuke is trash can, Mitsuo is creppy and wierd b/c gamers r uggo and uggo ppl are socially inept and suck

Bitchy girl shows up and then dies

Yosuke does1n't get dick wet (he wouldn't anyways but still) so sad 

See TV world, meet worst character in ORGINAL game (assult of bear puns)

fight dumb fuckin demon frog bc yosuke is bored (wtf is dis shit)

Chie is gay bUT NOT REALLY  

Boss of dungeon is too hard, someone went missing or something idk who cares

Meet gay but nOT REALLY

Chases u bc u judge him but NOT REALLY

Gets kidnapped, gay dungeon bUT NOT REALLY actually about gender and cuz he likes cute stuff means he's gay STUPID but actually he's not because gays r icky lol 

Campin time yaya the girls can't cook pffffft a WOMAN CANT COOK TF WOW WOW SO FUNNY A WOMAN CANT COOK WTF WHAT TEH FUCK and also HANAKO IS FAT AND That's' bad

HOMOPHOBIA TIME LOL KANJI IS GAY ARE YOSUKE AND YU SAFE IN A TENT WITH HIM? FIND OUT AT 11

Sexism next day when Yosuke is like I bought u girls sexy swimsuits and will now shame you to wear them ARENT I AN ENDEARING CHARACTER but no dicks are wet except with water (also vomit) including kanji lol abuse (also that could have seriously injured but never brought up BECAUSE ABUSE IS LOLOLOLOOLLOLLLOLLLLOLLLOLLLLLLLLOLLLL) Also game forced u/Yu to be sexist too fuck off game

Nanako is sad whatever who cares

Yosuke wants idol puss so yay idol but shes sad so we stalk guilible peepin tom who is the killer but NOT REALLY while adachi is quirky

Rise is sad that she doesnt know who she is or something fuckin idk STRIPPING TIME BOWCHICAWOWOW also teddie feels useless so everyone dies or smth

Teddie comes out of TV and is now human and annoying mother fucker, Rise is now not sad but KAWAII and Yosuke no longer wants idol puss idk but but IDOL PUSS WANTS BORING FUCKBOY YU DICK (not pandery at all, just your average sexy teen idol wants boring fuckboy)

Teacher is dead he was dick and uggo so who cares lol

Chase after uggo game lover nerd haha dungeon is nerdy game shit lol video games cause violence right guys? Didnt u know that video gamers are all ugly socially inept muderous pathetic freaks????? THATS U BTW UR UGGO INEPT MUDEROUS CREEPY LOSER FREAK LOL 

Also rise cums when you kill enemies 

Now murders are solved rite so lets have celebration!!!! Girls make omlettes but they CANT COOK LOL wasnt that so funny last time joke so nice they made it twice

Summer festival time Rise wants yu dick and Yosuke wants wet dick but teddie claims all three girls for himself and they go without protest despite not wanting to because they are STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE AND KNOW NOT TO BACKTALK THEIR MAN (isnt this game so progressive) 

PERSONA 3 REFERENCES also underage drinking bUT NOT REALLY JUST SEXUAL HARASSMENT BECAUSE LOL also teddie stalks them lol also teacher books SEX HOTEL???? How wacky

You kno how muder was solved WELL NOT REALLY WHAT A SHOCK THE GAME HAD NO PLOT FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS anyways

Naoto is strong masculine manly mc man detective but gets kidnapped and is actuallY TRANS BUT NOT REALLY IS ACTUALLY JUST GIRL AND THINKS SHES CHILDISH OR SOMETHING but NOT REALLY ACTUALLY SHE’s JUST LONELY but not really idefk. Remember kiddies being different is okay!!! uwu (so long as you ARENT ACTUALLY DIFFERENT U FREAKOZOID kill urself)

Cultrue festival Rise wants u 2 do her in school halls balls deep but game doesn't let you????? lame 0/10 

But then YOSUKE FORCES GIRLS INTO UNCOMFORTABLE beauty pagent that they cant back out of even if someone else signed them up under penalty of DEATH AND RAPE (I presume) because yosuke remains such an endearing character BUT THEN girls get revenge by forcing him into drag contest and u and kanji too even tho it was only yosuke because the GIRLS ARE SUCH AMAZING FRIENDS lol girls are objectified lol fatty thinks shes hot lolllollollooololooloololoollolololooll0lkooolloollololoololol (game designers had to stop in order to finish laughing at own jokes)

then drag contest ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww grosssssssssssssss icky teddie wins because................a dude? PASSING AS A WOMAN??????? Totes not transphobic vibes none at ALL

then HOT SPRINGS SLEEPOVER at inn because there is just SO MUCH MORE FUNNY TO BE HAD (isnt this all so relevant to plot and character??? rich narrative very necessary part of story, game would be UNSALVAGABLE without it) 

Girls are bitches and think that guys are perving because hot springs doesn't tell them when it's time for girls to go? ?????? Great fuckin service amagi inn also why would the guys perv by just casually walking in??? Why why why why why qwhyw why why anyways they throw buckets at the guys and it's HILARIOUS and not at all uncomfortable, guys run away in terror and the girls are like YEAH GIRL POWER!!! Then they find out about mistake and apologize like good friends, people and normal humans would b/c even for pervin that was extra  no just kidding LOL They actually keep it a secret becausE LOL GIRL POWER STRONG RELATABLE FEMALE CHARACTERS AMIRITE WHO HASNT ABUSED THEIR FRIENDS WITHOUT ANY FEELINGS OF REMORSE OR GUILT LOL (also nanako saw that all bad influence on child)

since the friendships are all so wholesome and not at all toxic or unhealthy the guys totally write this off and try to explain themselves to the girls. NO, actualyl, since Tedide and Yosuke are still such ENDEARING characters they instead decide to molest girls in sleep RELATABLE but uh oh they accidentally molest fatty and uggo old teacher who looks 30 and then fatty and teach are like cool let's fuck and like REAL TEENS they are grossed out at being offered sex because yuck women over 20 and fatty also why are fatty and "old" lady hangin out anyway?? Apparently if ur gross u hang out together, b/c that's how it works rite. such grea t non contrivences

Nanako is dying whatever who cares 

Namatame then kidnapps nanako or somth who cares dojima dies but NOT REALLY

then they go to heaven because nanako is sad but nobody gave a shit narukami never cared to ask or try to keep her company isn't he just so GREAT and considerate to the girl being boderline abused and neglected in his own fuckin house no who cares BUT NOW WE CARE RIGHT GUYS

Namatame is cray cray and his boss design is uggo and bullshit

Nanako dies, Yosuke advocates MURDER because he is still SO ENDEARING and player has to chose EXACT FUCKIN DIOLOGUE WITH NOT ONE MISTAKE OR EVERYTHIGN SUCKS AND ITS ALL UR FAULT also in some endings you murder because fuck you 

but then if u dont murder NANAKO WAS DEAD BUT NOT REALLY but only if u dont murder so congrats u were emotionally manipulated into killing the mentally ill b/c ur so great good job

then it turns out Namatame you know how he was cray cray well turns out he wANST REALLY CRAY he just had plot-convient-tempo-insanity-itius as the doctors call it then u talk to him and u know how he was the killer? Welll...NOT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY he was actually good guy u almost killed innocent man fck u then u have three chances to guess killer and only u can and if you dont get it in three guesses you get, as the doctors call it, plot-convient-stupid-cant-think-anymore-itius and thus you run out of time and nobody in the world can guess except you and even over the next three months nobody can guess because who cares I guess lol 2 ppl r dead it turns out you know quirky relatable cop man well NOT FUCKIN REALLY he is actually crazy because he's bored and as everyone knows when youre bored you kill also he's sad that he doesn't have talent even tho he is sucessful detective???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? then god bullshit end of world or smth who cares

then everything is over also i forgot teddie disappears so sad but NOT REALLY

Christmas eve sex ( i banged rise on top of christmas cake) 

Girls can now cook character development girls learned how to cook 10/10 v progressive 

Then flash forward to three months later because fuck you and Yu is leavin because idk and the game ends BUT NOT REALLY ashkually you can get TRUE SUPER AWESOME ending if you are able to figure out that you have to go to junes for no reason except fuck you 

turns out the gas station attendent u know him? well he was super bored and he's actually a GOD WOWZERS so amazing did you know jesus was a part timer at a gas station????? NO??? That's why youre playing this sack of shit anyway humanity wants ignorance or so god says (sound familiar, Nyx??) and she almost wins BUT NOT REALLY Because yu has the power of frienship and you know that awesome scene of makoto fighting nyx? Well imagine thaT BUT SHIT b/c no buildup

for all ur xtra efforts u get teddie saying hearts are connected anime KH cliche (wasnt that so worth the extra bullshit dungeon) 

Yu is leaving SO SAD WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT P3 WUSS CAST? Your friend is dead? GTFO with those 1st world problems NARUKAMI HAS TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO SEE HIS FRIENDS THIS IS THE TRUE TRAGIC DRAMA WHAT COULD BE WORSE

THE END 0/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

#3 - ASSULT OF THE CASH COWS

so p4 is gr8 rite m8? well no but apparentlly dumb 14yr old boys were like "omg this game half akcnowleges gays exsist so PROGRESSIVE also i can fuck mai waifu n have friends" and so p4 made a shit ton of money atlus saw dis money printin out and were like $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dey were lyke "lets release a buncha shit”

Persona 4 The Animation: Imagine the same shitty p4 plot but with EVEN MORE HOMOPHOBIA!!!!! also racism!!!! plus MORE FAT JOKES!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaahahahahah also the animation is piss poor shit!!! Doesn't this sound wonderful????? 

Persona 4 Arena: So Atlus was lyke yannao wat totes goes with our super serious and super "mature" jrpg seriess? Do u kno? BLAZBLUE!!!!! The over the top weeb fighting game!!! YEah son!!!!! So anyways a fighting game comes out with barely any playable characters??????? Great. Fantastic not the least bit fanficy character writing. Also, there is a plot b/c dis shit be canon. Dats right!!! Now you may be thinking "mmmm how does that work????" well the geneiuses at atlus say "B/C SHITTY P3 RETCON CHARACTER IS SAD ABOUT DESTROYING FRINEDS WHOLE TV WORLD BECOMES ARENA WERE PEOPLE HAVE TO FIGHT FRIENDS" and u may hear that and wonder?? "what deh fuck, wasn't tv world gone also when did this ever happen in p4????" to which fanboys proply accuse u of hating fighting games and behead u. 

So at this point in time, P4 is offically dead. It is dead as doornails. but atlus is lyke "Hey let's rape the corpse" and they release shitty remake on overpriced shit system nobody bought. You may be wondering "2012 didn't p4 only come out less than five years ago????" to which atlus says "shut the fuck up and give us money" hence P4 Golden

Persona 4 Golden: Added marie, inistant failure trashfire BUT WAIT!!!! THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!! Added events!!! 

a) Yosuke wants dick wet and will cum if he feels boobs on his back!! So Yu and Yosuke team up to get shitty dumb ugly bikes b/c they're sooooo cooool rite mitsuru? You and ur dumb motorbike p4 is the real mature game. Anyway. Then they go hit on girls and yosuke gets one!!! YAY!! BUT OH NO!!! IT'S ACTUALLY STUPID FATSO STILL THINKIN SHE'S HOT WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY STUPID BC SHE'S FAT!!! She then sits on yosuke's bike and it breaks because lol shes fat get it get it get it get it????? Doesn't this add so much to the story??? RICH NARATIVE RIGHT GUYS?!

b) BEACH TIME!!! Because that's where the real compelling drama is!!! Anyway they go to the beach and yuckerbears kanji is in a speedo!!! Gross!! I hope yosuke doesn't catch the gay!!! Then teddie tries to molest the girls bc he's such an endearing character lol then kanji's bathing suit falls off!!!! How did this happen u may ask?? ANIME MAGIC!! So then they dress kanji in seaweed like birth of venus and girls scream and run. the end. 

c) Fireworks festival yay time ted-fiya so memorable. Yosuke wants to murder Teddie bc PORN so funny haha more fat jokes also teddie wants 2 bang nanako

d) Nanako is sad again whatever who cares

e) Halloween party!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!

f) SKIING TRIP!!!! YAY!!! P3 REFERENCES!!! YAY!!! Shiptease!!! Yay!!! Teddie steals food so Naoto advocates for his MURDER!!! YAY!! IF YOU DID MARIES SLINK YOU GET XTRA AWESOME DUNGEON!! ALSO IMPLIED RAPEY SEX IN THE SNOW BUT NOT REALLY!!! ANYWAY turns out that marie sucked up the ameno sagiri fog! What u thought it just went away on its own?? BULLSHIT!!!! Next you'll be questioning the ever so important role of NPC John Smith in creating Izanami's gas attendent disguise. Or NPC Billy Bob in giving Ameno Saigiri directions to the boss fight. RIVETING DIOLAUGE LIKE "is this like the part in movies where the bad guys lair collapses??????" WORST GIRL IS DEAD BE SAD EVERYONE ELSE IS U MONSTER!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!! INSTEAD SHIP FUEL!!!! Also marie is polite for half second, AMAZES ENTIRE CAST GREAT WRITING!!!!!!!!! dont u love it when ur friends treat u like shit? then there’s a lovely scene where the dudes perv on the girls who are sexaulized and marie attacks them. Riveting. Then they all died and we were all happy. 

g) New years eve. That is all. also new stupid persona evolutions that look stupid. 

h) Valentine's DAY!!! I bang Rise on the da beach!!! Also if u slink with marie at all she forces you to cheat!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

i) OH, NO! Yosuke is going to have to move maybe idk wasnt he supposed to want to move??? idk shut up. anyways. to keep yosuke miserable his friends have to become a band in TWO DAYS!!!! How will they ever do that??? well guess what with zero experience the entire group becomes master musicians in TWO DAYS!!!!!!! That's right, it's that easy!!!! U 2 can become as good as Green Day in two Days!!!! not that they ever play again lol or ever bring this up again lol. Then the dudes jump into the crowd and lol the crowd dodges thme aand nothing is accomplished. 

j) New super awesome epilogue you only get if you slink marie even tho she isn’t there for 90% of it whatever the new designs suck

Anyway since the game isn't slice of life enough you can now bang rise in the movies and the hot springs also you can go out at night so exciting.

You can now force Naoto into sexy outfits against her will because isn’t it so cute when girls don’t like being objectified??? Also they molest her at the hot springs??? Also 

So yeah P4G sucks ass. But ATLUS didn't stop there!!!! OH no! Atlus then went on to make Persone Q!!! They decided this time to drag innocent bystander P3 as well!!

Persona Q: some bullshit about a dying girl causes the P3 and P4 cast to meet in a wonderful culture festival crossover!! With lovely gameplay and no regression in character!! Chie always had nothing to her past loving meat right????? Also yu can fuck the dog from p3!! isnt this so believable and not the least bit stupid or contrived? isn't it?? Isn't it???????? Not much to say its just dumb surely Atlus must be done now right?? RIGHT?? WRONG!!!!!!

 Now you see since P4G came out, OBVIOUSLY the anime needs to be partially remade! You may be asking, isn't the anime less than TWO YEARS old at this point? Why remake it? Did golden really have such a different story? No. 

P4 Golden Animation: Marie, marie, marie, marie, ten episodes of marie, never goes anywhere, confusing and boring af but look 16 yr olds in bikinis and nude and not totally shit animation so it's ok right? RIGHT? RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P4 at this point has been raped to death all over again and the corpse is still being fucked and they won't just let it die. BUT NO!!!! Enter p4 arena ultimax!!

P4 Arena Ultimax: B/c the first was so great, they made another!! Game so nice they made it twice!! but now the dark hour from p3 is back because idk we ran out of ideas. Also junpei and koromaru and adachi great. But guess what!!!!!! AWESOME NEW CHARACTER!! His name is sho!! He is the secret son of dude from P3, how is this possible? fuck you. Anyway he is so tragic and sad he hates friendship!! awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :((((( But never fear!!! The p4 team will show sho the glory of frienship isnt this so interesting and original and great????

p4's violated, torn up corspe now has zero dignity left so atlus decided to reanimate the corpse with dead horse dildos and force it to dance 

P4 DAN: Dancing. Shit dancing. Nobody knows how to dance. Remember how P4 used to be about murder and accepting uncomfortable truths???? Well now its about shittily animated dances. Isn't this so great? Guess what we lean about the characters? We learn that they can't fuckin dance and watching them is cringy af. Also now the tv world is a dance stage because the tv world just does whatever the fuck we want it to. what if a characters shadow is a rapist, would they be forced to rape?? is that how atlus would make a porn game?? if we wanted to make a chess game a famous chess player who feels forced to play chess will then make u forced to play chess. .... so obivously, the P4 fandom realized that Atlus was raping their game and refused to buy it right?? RIGHT??? WRONG. They actually will castrate you with a rusty carving knife if you ever so much as imply P4 is a cash cow.

It totally is tho

[aitian]

8/12 3am

this is another dream i felt like i had before. i was in a park, next to a squirrel, a wolf, and a giraffe. the squirrel would chase me causing the wolf and the giraffe to chase the squirrel. i ran across a bridge and climbed a sign, only to have it break. and as the sign somehow wobbled back and forth, i sat on top swinging, swinging and watching my shadow on the ground swing back and forth. before moving at all i thought carefully about this plan and climbing the sign was the goal. maybe it meant the wolf wouldn’t hurt me but i would get tohave an experience.

2nd dream was about a chase as well. in a dirty city… i forget why. but i hid in a corner and saw my friends who were also running disguise themselves as an old man and a homeless man, and our pursuers ran by. we went to a restaurant, i think owned by our aunties, maybe the chopsticks auntie or smth. and my job was to wash the vegetables. they had already been julienned though lol but i spent so long washing  the julienned carrots because there was so much. all the while i was listening to these three rude old dudes sitting outside complaining about the service because no one went to take their order. finally i went inside and asked the young man who was the only one working to check on them. and the dream shifts to his pov and he explanis to the jeerin g men that he will be the new owner, and he grabs my rpevious character close, who i guess is a woman, and says she will be his wife and co-owner, and the men grudgingly comment on their appproval.

the last dream i am a spoiled chinese girl waiting for her spoiled chinese boyfriend to take her to the movies. we are both attractive in the way chinese tv likes young people to be. im waiting for him to text, waiting, and im angry that he has forgotten again. and i fall asleep on my bed, and have a dream. my dream is his dream. he says i his dream, he put on these lenses?glasses? and his eyes became unbearably cute, and everyones stares made him feel unsaafe. tjen he put on another pair and his eyes glowerd red, and everone seemed intimidated, and he felt comfort in that. waking up from his dream, he realized everyone looked at him that way already, and nothing had changed.

-- afternoon

having a crush is this immense flooding of feeling stupid, like only a fool would expect desire to bridge the gap

. i thought about him, a picture of his sister catching his hat at graduation, violence & empire

. told some dumb bby queer in the columbia class fb group not to ask students to out their profs online so he could have a list of q/t professors. he was very entitled to placing this information on a public forum, insisted that it was not an issue (for you?) i responded once briefly, then let it die. i told myself i needed to be as short as possible to not be anxious posting, but my heart still sped up thinking about arguing w someone so publicly over some shit i didn’t want people to ID me for.

. signed up for okcupid. just to see who’s around. lots of white people. anime subs vs dubs is a question they all needed to answer in their profiles.

--

8/12/2020, 11pm

today mom told me the story again about her life with dad. we walked after dinner along the path that led through the trees outside our neighborhood, and sat on the steps outside the Videon company. she was in beijing. she was dating a man who was tall and thin, who was clean and orderly, who cooked for her. he was insecure that she had a phd and he was only a college graduate. she always felt he had his guard up, couldn’t speak from his heart, insecure. they had only been seeing each other for a while, but she decided she should move on. she went on a date with dad, set up by a mutual friend. she says her first impression was how short and stout he was. pale, a scholar. or nerd. didn’t know how to make good conversation, and while she fantasized about expectations before meeting him each time, their dates were very plain, boring. she says he probably felt she didn;t have much interest in him either. the setting up felt stale, rehearsed, like there was a path to follow that was already laid out. he went home for his younger brother’s wedding, and never talked to her again. their mutual friend says to mom, us from henan, when we talk, we say what we mean. but these hebei people could say ten things and none of them would be truthful. they had no contact for months. three days before dad was supposed to leave for america, my grandmother came to beijing to help him pack and send him off. she brought the money the government game them, untouched, for my grandfather’s death. and it was stolen. my grandmother passed out, and was sent to the hospital. mom says my grandmother thought dad should have gotten together with mom, that if they had been together, none of this would have happened. dad went to her office to find her, and her colleagues said she was on lab. and his thick-headed self thought she was at a homophonous company in the tech district. and as he was headed down, she was headed up, and they met in the stairwell. if they had missed each other, then they would have never met again. but he told her what happened, and she went with him to the hospital, and she helped him pack and sent him off. i wanted to ask what compelled her to do that. im guessing it was what he said, a mother in the hospital, a near departure… maybe it was the beginning of a romantic feeling. she only fell in love with him after they had both settled in america. she said things were more simple when they got away from the messiness of china… the city, the relationships. mom says her mother was grateful because she thought mom would have trouble getting married. in my head i laughed.. her stubborn ass… they knew. she said dad’s mom saw her as a good fit. which was cruel irony thinking about my first years. mom says she had never argued with dad before grandma came. so many of his bad habits started then. she told me about this because we talked about dad being childish at home, refusing accountability, using manipulative tactics to ignore us and center himself, trying to blame others for his mistakes. we talked about mom’s shitty coworkers. we talked about adeles mom and dad, their abusive relationship, the abusive dads, and the societies of fear (scarcity) that made our community members brilliant fools. mom said she could never forget that guy she dated before dad, though i think she didn’t really mean it because she said again how he was always guarded around her. i wanted to tell her, mom, i have liked a boy a lot too. during high school. his name is andrew, and he has been on my mind a lot recently since coming home. he was really good to me, mom. sometimes i wish i was more brave. but i didn’t say anything. i was looking at the clouds, and they were moving earlier. they were moving west, then east, then west, and they stopped. and then they vanished. the sun was setting, and mom said they probably flew away. but i said no, they vanished. dad came over, i could tell it was him because he walked cute like donald duck. he said this was his regular exercising place. as if he even left the house to exercise regularly, much less walk to our spot, the place he knew we would be. we got up and left after a while because it was getting dark. later i would hear dad complaining downstairs about how we didn’t stay to watch him dance, and how that was what had held him back. shameless.

there are some memories of stories that i just cannot say were things i made up, but i have so little recollection of what and how they were told.

when mom was in alabama, her boss or maybe coworker tried to date her. i guess she was not into white men. maybe it was one of the things that pushed her toward dad.

mom has had a miscarriage before. im not sure about the context. i think i remember her telling me when she was upset many years ago, or maybe just casually. it might have been something she thought should be kept a secret, or just something moms don’t talk about to their kids. i do remember her recounting more recently once while talking about being pregnant with me vs alice, that she had a bit of miscarriage each time. im not totally sure what that means but she said it like it was natural, a thing that just happened for some people. maybe a bit of bleeding and discharge.

i think i remember alice once telling me she thinks dad wants to be a woman but is too repressed to admit it. and then saying thats probably not it.