aitian

[aitian]

11/25/2024

life moves too fast to see the beauty if every moment. i cant help but passively observe the world as it races by. i think learning more will help me grab ahold of my destiny, but actually.. taking care of myself, finding bravery, & seeing the trajectory of my being clearly for what it is will open me up to clearly evaluate my choices.

[aitian]

11/24/2024

what is there to love about life? im not sure i feel it. really beaten down these days. this semester has been so fucking difficult, & im also ashamed to admit that i cant handle it. so immature.

dont know what im working for. dont know what i want to do.. how i want to live. what's meaningful? is it work? is it??

i used to think so highly of myself. now i feel like nothing much. can i be appreciated? can i be seen & loved for who i am? can i exist & can my existence be affirmed every day? some days are okay, other days feel like hell. these r my own choices & im not sure where im going.

---

went to see tracy today in pittsburgh. she is living well. bought a nice house, working close to home, better relationship with parents too, & enjoying a good neighborhood. i want to be like her soon. sigh.. cant wait to get out of this mess i got myself into.

and then what? hope i figure things out. life moves on one step at a time i guess...

[aitian]

Wed 8/1/24 1:32 am

meant to write last week but i have been procrastinating. its making me feel rly bad. i have some stuff i need to send to professors weeks ago & its feeling rly burdensome.

anyway.

fucked a dude two weeks ago. he had a big dick & it was cute to feel the wet spot he made on his underwear from kissing me. thinking recently that im so greedy for intimacy.. not just from someone im fucking but from everyone who interacts with me. even with acquaintances, i want to understand each other deeply & care for one another. it's stupid. makes me feel dumb & strange. other ppl r just existing according to environmental circumstances, but im always rejecting that & digging out intense ways to give & receive.

i flew back from visiting emmy in nj on sunday evening, 7/14. got to the airport 2 hrs early & got so nervous waiting & waiting. the boarding time kept getting pushed back every half hour. i got anxious bc it meant that i would miss the last bus from denver to boulder. ended up arguing w united staff & getting on the standby list for another flight. i was 6th & after boarding all the passnegers, they called 5 ppl to go board the plane. pissed. then they came out & called whoever was next, & i knew it was me but this older couple indidted that they were next. the lady was behind me when i went to the counter & she knew it too, she argued that we were there at the same time (bullshit.). there was only one seat left anyway.. her husband wanted to get on without her, and she stopped him, insisting that they get on the same flight. anyway i board, & they can't figure out which is the last empty seat. after holding me by the door for 10 mins, they tell me 10B (nice, close to the front). when i get on i see the most annoying & rude guy from my flight sitting into the seat, & a flight attendant yelling that seat 36E is open. i knew he was seated in 36E but was taking my seat instead. whatever. i walk to the back of the plane & sit down.

when i sit down, i call mom & tell her i finally got on a plane, & complain abt the seat i got in the back of the plane next to the toilet & someone who smells bad. the annoying gate staff come back to find me after 10 more mins & ask why im not in 10B, i say someone else was sitting there & they leave. finally, we take off.

a chinese dude is next to me in the window seat, & he starts chatting me up. says he's going to boulder for work, & he also had a terrible day of delayed flights that ended up moving him to this flight. rly weird fate to end up sitting together. he works in biotech & lives in boston. i ask how he's getting to boulder, & he says he has a rental car. he seems like an honest dude, so i go ahead & ask him for a ride.

we end up talking for the whole flight. we talk abt school & work.. he grew up in queens, studied chemistry for his phd & works in pharmaceuticals. i tell him abt my work, abt lion dancing, & mention my partner. he tells me he's bi, & his gf is too. & that im cute, by the way. tells me that he has an open relationship, & wants to fool around if im free this week. i tell him i'll think about it. i ask him a lot of stuff abt his relationship bc im curious how these two queer chinese immigrant millenials operate. sounds like his gf is just open-minded & likes femme dudes, & he enjoys dl hookups. i think he's kinda cute in the low glow on the plane. i like that he's nerdy & extroverted, & very direct about his thoughts & feelings. our arms r touching for the whole flight bc the armrest was up, & the guy in the aisle seat is huge. it's a bit sweaty & disorienting, but in the low light we r both loosened up to chat.

on the drive back, i ask him abt the logistics. he says he's clean, & he wants me to suck him off. i can tell he's excited to hook up.. he asks me if i want to go to his hotel with him, we don't have to do anything sexual. i refuse bc it's almost 2am & i have work in the morning. i tell him i wont do anything until after i talk with emmy.

i walk to his place the next evening. there's a park between my apartment building & the residence inn. the park is so close but i hadn't walked in that direction before. the sun was setting, & i felt a bit displeased that i was walking 20 mins instead getting picked up via a 2 minute drive. it's just what happens for hookups i guess, especially with repressed, closeted dudes. he didn't want his colleagues noticing.

when i got there, he immediately starts kissing me, & pulls me toward the bed. the sex was okay. i liked how he smelled & felt, but there wasn't anything romantic about it. i also liked that he was rly big & leaked a lot of precum.

afterward, we start chatting a bit & he starts scrolling on ig. a lot of stupif american political propaganda.. biden this, trump that. i ask him to lay with me. i turn into a baby koala. its nice to lay on his chest & feel him all over. sigh.. neither him nor emmy r good at holding me close. he starts to fall asleep, & says i should just sleep over. i tell him he needs to send me home.. i'll sleep over tomorrow.

the next day, i walk over (it's a pleasant walk this time) & we spend the night chatting. he's rly nosy & asks me to show him pictures of everyone in my life. i don't want to though. i think he was a bit nervous to make conversation. i make him answer all his prying questions too. we exchange instagrams, & he confesses that he's actually married. i also tell him honestly that it was fun to hook up, but i like chatting as friends more.

one interesting story he told me was abt the first time he had an orgasm. he said his family was rly poor when he was little & they wouldn't bathe much. he went to a city once & stayed at a place with a good shower, & the pressure running down the front of his dick felt so good. he learned by replicating that sensation. i told him that i touch myself differently than guys do, by pressing down at the base. we didn't do anything sexual, just a bit of squishing, & sometime after midnight we went to bed.

i woke up an hour or two later & started touching him. he woke up too & started rubbing my taint like a pussy. his big hands felt really good, & i thought i was going to cum a few times but i didn't. he came pretty quickly, so i asked him to stroke me instead so i could finish too.

the next morning i left after a hug & a kiss. he sent me a message later in the day telling me that im sweet, and he hopes we'll meet again.

i think im too vulnerable & giving. he is a nice and honest guy, and even he had completely self-serving actions. i don't think i want to change how i behave. i should protect myself, but it's futile to try controlling what happens in life. i think we did genuinely touch each other's hearts, & had the bravery to go for it because of strange circumstances.

today too, im craving intimacy, connection, & discovery. part of me feels ambivalent toward becoming a bottomless pit for pleasurable experiences, and the other part wants to insist that life is simply the sum of my experiences. i should make myself open to positive experiences like intimacy, connection, & discovery. this time things fell right into my lap.. maybe i shouldn't be scared to broaden my reach. undecided..

[aitian]

its ok to grieve what once was + what could have been

[aitian]

1/29 3:37pm

sitting in dad's office after class. feel like trash. better to say it here than keep complaining to ppl.

struggling so much w rumination & anger after all these bad experiences. i dont even think abt things from the past. it's more abt anticipating current & future problems. my brain turns into a puddle of thoughts trying to prepare me to perform. it doesn't help.. just makes me more angry & sad. brings down my mood so much & i can't get work done. dad tried to give me a pep talk today that its best to accept things for what they are when we hit a wall, & truly get interested in the things we have to do. on one hand it feels stupid to me to love the bullshit, & on the other hand ik im shaming & disrespecting my own life if i hate what i do.

reddit says rumination an ocd trait. theramintrees youtube videos say its a symptom of abuse. reddit also says my sense of alienation is an autism trait. i think these r just normal responses to my living conditions.

feel rly sad & don't want to do my work. take a nap.

[aitian]

Mon 01/29/24 1:57am

it's been more than a year. damn. couldn't write all year bc i have been so ashamed & traumatized.

back in school for electrical engineering & honestly i hate it. at least im (slowly) learning some useful things from within the massive amounts of bullshit. when does this end...

if i could have seen into the future, i would be so ashamed & sad to know what im doing now. maybe i wouldn't have made it to today. maybe i would have just done better. what a mess.

it's a bit painful to relive but here are the facts:

terrible teaching job. rude, dirty, sick. kids were funny. one kid won the spelling bee (we would practice together in the hall) & told me she wanted to be an artist. one kid never talked & had bad spoken english but wrote a rly good reflection essay abt boarding schools & american education (postscript "im hungry"). one kid told me stories abt learning to drive a motorcycle with his dad in DR & bragged to all the other kids that i was a great help for his high school application. that is all.

went to taiwan w the roomies. it was ok. really beautiful, wish i saw more of the mountains & oceans

terrible nonprofit job. abusive, useless, malicious. spent a lot of time studying soc*alism w chinese ch@racteristics & material origins of class society. honestly developed some optimism for human progress. fired for working too many hours & representing the org extremely well on a panel where the other panelists and audience really lifted up my perspective. everyone respected my work except the narcissist clowns. i met a nice friend named alan. that is all.

went to china, & felt saved & relieved to see people standing up. this time there was much less air pollution, especially near the coastal cities. luoyang had a bit more, but the city was a giant network of parks. i counted five rows of trees on each side of the streets. my uncles are so smart with critical analysis of history, human progress, world politics, and local affairs. sigh... feels bad to be treated like a dog in this backward country. i realized that i need training that prepares me for the realities of this strange world.

applied to school for electrical engineering. studied python & calculus in the meantime-- & thank god i did... i honestly felt good abt the decision, knowing that i need to develop myself if i want to survive in this world.. & i have reasons or energy to do it instead of waiting for death. is that the end of depression?

hung out w adele, erica, & tracy a bit bc they were all in town for the holidays. i missed my friends. they were rly nice to me.

started school in january. it fucking sucks. ppl r so stupid & rude. ridiculous. im tired & angry every day. i am running a huge marathon full of sloppy, impossible problems that take hours longer than they should. overworked & mad every day.

some reflections i guess..

emmy has been really hands-off with my life. idk if they dont have ideas or dont want to step in, or they r just observing what happens. idk. i dont feel like emmy approves or disapproves of anything. maybe relieved when i escape the shitholes i dug myself into. i hope emmy can help me become someone i feel proud of. i helped emmy apply to masters programs but idk if its the right step for emmy, & they dont have strong reasons honestly. they got accepted by the committee a few days ago. sigh.. i desperately want emmy to have my back.

im back to being so depressed. unsure abt what im doing, feeling doomy abt past present & future. will things get better? im in trouble if i need to tell myself that to cope w the present. im stronger than i was before, i think....

hang in there, love.

[aitian]

Tuesday, 11/22/22 11:50 PM

gonna start writing for myself more frequently because i want to feel like my days are worth remembering. things have been torturous and joyful too. dont want my life to get lost in the capitalist space-time that makes me feel terrible & undeserving.

some things i want to remember or not from today

- jumped on the bed w emmy at night. :3 emmy was doing physical therapy stuff on my bed & had a pillow between their knees, & started jumping up & down while kneeling on the bed, & i did too w the blanket between my knees lol. felt like a baby! so funny & awesome. full of love.

- mom & dad came to nj today for dinner, & we r gonna leave in the morning to go home for thanksgiving. they took me, emmy, & em to a malaysian restaurant that was pretty yummy.

- had a job interview in the morning that went well, & also got my scores back from the praxis core test. easy high scores. cert office says they didnt get them yet though so (after months & months) i am still battling it out w melissa the examiner. what a dick.

hope i have a job soon. emmy said that even though this time has been torturous, they have really enjoyed having my time in a selfish way. sigh. i want us to go on a forever vacation. i want to be happy babies all the time. trying to imagine what could possibly come after this capitalist hellscape, how i might succeed in keeping my ppl close, what a life without constant stomachaches might feel like again, etc. been spending my days applying to jobs & figuring out this stupid teaching career & watching tv & playing hades. that feels like a huge portion of it, but it’s also not true. i have also been doing so many things w friends & family. going on walks w mom, learning abt pa wild mushrooms from a field guide she borrowed from her colleague.. spending good weekends w emmy going to the mall, driving around nj to hiking spots, & wine library, & eating lunch at panera, & going to a bookstore, & visiting an abandoned asylim + beach on staten island, & eating charcoochie in the jacuzzi, & taking things from the art studio in yonkers.. i have enjoyed the fall too. i want to live my life like it is worth living. i want to have capacity to plant seeds (make plans) & look forward to good things coming into my life. i want to feel well rested & free. i want to feel warm & held by my loved ones through anything & everything.

[aitian]

Wed, July 27th 3:27am

What’s on my mind tonight is loneliness. I just moved into a new place that is fresh & scary, I don’t know my neighbors or my town, & I have no safety net here. I can’t wait for Em to come live with us. It feels so overwhelming to be here alone with Emmy, figuring out my new job offers, & thinking about the next few months. 

I know I skipped a lot in the middle, but I will try my best to trace what has happened since December. I spent winter break at home feeling lighter than I had for a long time. Fall semester really was nourishing, & I was looking forward to a new kind of relationship with Emmy. The last bit of January and all of February were a blur as the two of us were traveling & performing, & discovering a lot of new things. I wish I had a better memory of what we did & talked about but I think I have been feeling really overwhelmed in many ways this year by the changes going on in my life and the part of my brain that comprehends and reflects on things is shot. During this time, I was anxious about grad school applications and reconciling my obligations in my final semester at school. I decided to take a really minimal course load, and reconnected with prof Solomon who was really generous about writing me a recommendation at the last minute. March and April were honestly torture. I had a really difficult time fighting evil at school, finishing my thesis, receiving terrible news from graduate programs, and applying for shit jobs. It was really demeaning and soul-crushing. I remember feeling lonely sometimes, feeling that Emmy was my only support in my daily life and that it was not enough. I felt like my emotions were not given respect and space to find resolution. Things like fear, grief, anxiety, and frustration were really eating at my core. At the same time, I was still creating really fulfilling spaces for myself. I took my queer kids on a journey that ended in a really wonderful talent show in April. By the time the show happened, I was already so tired and over it though, and I wish that I performed better. I think it was really awesome to be an older sibling to these cute peers though and I hope they come visit me this year. 

In May we graduated, and it was hard to say at the time, but I do think I felt a sense of pride for having lived through more of my life that I thought was possible. I was really dependent on Emmy in the last weeks of school. Sometimes it feels like they are really emotionally intuiting and can understand what I feel to a surprising degree, and other times I feel like I am with someone who is cute & irreverent. I’m still a kid too and I guess that’s where we have trouble taking care of each other sometimes. I think Emmy has been living without emotional support in many ways for a long time now though, and I have to take the lead in setting aside time for us to heal. I think this is one of the reasons I feel lonely these days, and I don’t wanna say anything because I don’t want Emmy to feel like I’m weak or disappointing more than I already am. That’s messed up, and I will come back to it. When it came time to graduate, I was ready to leave and also really grieving my potential futures. I had nothing up my sleeve and no prospects at all. My job applications were all failures, I was feeling deeply scammed by doctoral programs, and I felt ashamed to be more lost than ever about my path forward after spending four years preparing for this time. I carried these feelings with me at graduation, while feeling ambivalence toward my school and my peers for being the toxic muck that I waded through for so long, and feeling relieved and proud and complicated to celebrate the moments with my parents and Emmy. I wish I was more excited about the time so that mom could have felt the excitement and fulfillment of her journey too. I do have fond memories of graduation. Not the things that were said or the crowds that were there, but of the sun and the trees and the buildings on campus that let me enjoy the weather outside. Commencement took forever, and by the time I had sat in the hot sun for long enough, there was still more than half to go. When I fall got fed up, Emmy and I walked out from the crowd to get some cold water at the side of College Walk, and stood around sipping in the shade. It was one of our last moments together, and I felt so at peace to be there together. Suddenly, the event was over. We walked off college walk toward Amsterdam to get away from the rush of people leaving the plaza, and I realized it was my last chance to be alone with Emmy. We would see Emma together after I packed up my room before I would drive home with my family, but that moment was really when we would say bye. Holding hands and standing under a pillar near the gates, I started crying. It wasn’t just because I was sad to leave. I was happy to be there with Emmy, I was deeply regretful of the futures that were foreclosed, I was upset and frustrated toward myself and the cruel ways that folks I wished I could trust would treat me in a cruel system, I desperately needed a job so that we could be together, I missed my mom and wanted to be a better child, I was sad that I had wasted so much time at school while knowing that it had not been a waste at all either. These were just some of the feelings that I could not have explained in the moment. I just saw Emmy’s face under the mask & felt their hands & the words & silences we shared, & wanted to cry. I felt so alone, and so held, and so afraid, and so loved. 

I spent the rest of the summer looking for jobs and housing while being at home. I saw Adele and Erica and Tracy a little bit. I was really frustrated at dad. I went to many places with mom, most notably a trip to finger lakes. I was drinking every evening to relieve the anxiety that I felt. In may I was still lost, slowly thinking that my higher ed experience was probably most conducive to getting some kind of job in education, and started applying to teaching jobs at private schools where I did not need teacher certification. By mid-June, I realized that New Jersey certification was something that I could possibly accomplish, and just blindly moved forward with taking the praxis exam and applying for certification and jobs. I went on a camping trip with Alice, Emmy, Eony, and Em in June too that was pretty neat. I wish I had spent more time individually with every one of them, but being together was nice, and everyone was so goofy and smart and resourceful. In July, I came to found housing in NJ. I had schedules three tours for Saturday, and would spend the weekend at Emmy’s house. We did not get the beautiful apartment we applied for, but the realtor was really nice and helped us find the place I am sitting in right now. Emmy went to see some houses with her the next week, and we decided to move forward. Right after I got back from NJ, I started sending out applications for public school teaching jobs, and heard back from many places. I had six interviews the next week, and the week after I got two job offers. At the end of that week, I was moving into this house. 

84 Bentley is owned by some Korean folks who Emmy says used to be restaurant owners. The house was built in 1900 according to online sources, and it really is old. It was so hot over the weekend, I was having doubts about whether this place could really be okay, but today things have cooled down and I am feeling better. We got a cute glass table from a thrift store and some chairs from ikea, and em is going to bring a couch when they come. 

I was having a bad day today because the school I’m hoping to work at, Hackensack, had the July board meeting yesterday and my name was not on the personnel agenda. The administrators who interviewed me seemed really eager to have me teach, and they offered me the job on the spot after my second interview but I began to doubt whether I was too naive to trust them. I emailed yesterday, but they did not get back to me until late afternoon today that the teacher whose position I will fill was just resigned in the board meeting yesterday so I would be hired on the august agenda. I was feeling so lonely and afraid last night. Life is so long and scary. That I know to be true. Life is many other things too. I don’t want to struggle and feel overwhelmed and scared. I really need my loved ones to come together and hold it down for me

Highlights from the past few days

Halo halo from the shop down the block with Emmy

Lincoln park in the evening at the big fountain, sitting next to all the south asian families

Finding a beautiful little glass table at the thrift store and nice chairs at ikea

Moments alone at night to eat and relax

There’s so much to clean in the house still and I just don’t really have much energy for it. I’m feeling anxious about driving to work, parking the car, living in an unfamiliar place, starting a new job, returning to a scary public school system, meeting new people, being away from family & loved ones, and moving forward toward the rest of my life. 

So here is the prayer tonight: Please let there be peace. Please let me breathe deeply and rest easy. Please guide me with compassion and let me grow from my feelings. Please protect me and my loved ones. Please prevent all from harming us and let us build paths toward each other. I offer my thoughts and feelings with gratitude for the present, past, and future. 

[aitian]

[aitian]

[aitian]

sunday 12/12/21, 4:16am

my head is so full of emmy. i tried to write this post on my phone & posted the whole thing only to have it deleted by failing to post. fuck that. i want to try again because it means a lot to me.

yesterday morning i woke up feeling like it was difficult to get out of bed. i needed to shower & pack & clean but i just wanted to stay in bed with my feelings & comforts for a while longer. i was supposed to meet emmy around 11 to see each other one last time before i leave for break. i showered & cleaned my room & washed dishes, then as i was trying to leave i couldnt find my id. i tell emmy to just come over instead of waiting fro me at the gates, & emmy knocks on my door as im still looking. i dont rly wanna be flipping through my room w emmy anymore so i say lets just go, & i will get a spare key later. emmy says its probably somewhere really obvious, & i think that my bedsheets are a mess, & of course thats where the id is. lets gooo! emmy gives me a sweater because i gave emmy my gunnery sweater a few days ago to hold onto over break. i put it on bc i didnt finish getting dressed looking for my id, & i also offer emmy my hot water bag bc i thought it would be a nice thing to feel during the cold month. emmy says no, so i give emmy the other gift i prepared which is the two fishes necklace i used to wear from w.o.w. that all the trans kids have. emmy doesnt open it tho & we head off to lunch. faculty house is rich. the last time i was here was with wang laoshi’s class, & emmy knows it too from the year before when they took that class too. emmy swipes me in & gets chastised by the white lady at the desk. cop ass bootlicker. faculty house has cheesy pasta! mac & cheese & asparagus & salmon. we take our plates outside to the patio that has a stunning view of the city & im happy to share a fancy meal together on this precious day.

afterward we go to take a walk in riverside park because i want to skip class & spend time w emmy. ru sure? yeah. its not too cold out & the walk is nice. emmy leads me behind the tennis courts to a secret garden. its no longer much of a garden because the flowers are all dead, & lots of little red flags are planted instead. we hang around there for a long time first looking for a korok, then drop kicking a tennis ball into the highway, then staring down to search for the subway tracks, then gazing at a woodpacker’s little white head on a nearby tree. we hug a bit. i ask emmy if we wanna go somewhere else, like my room or a cafe. emmy asks me where i wanna go, & i say i want to sit down somewhere. we walk back around the tennis courts, & emmy throws a ball over the fence to some white man who wants it back. we talk abt how i used to play tennis & got weird buff muscles, & emmy’s old back muscles from marching band, & how we have toned calved from lion dance now. we walk back to the wide area of the path where the trees open up, and sit on a bench. we talk abt a lot of stuff like pets & high school friends & moms. i hug emmy, & we hug a bit, then we hold hands, then we hug sore more, and hold hands. our hands are the same size. we both have kind of busted cuticles bbc its dry, & paint residue from being in the studio a few days ago. emmy’s hands are rough and ashy though, unlike my soft skin. i hold emmys hand between mine because my hands are so much warmer. after a bit, my brain starts tingling and itching from the touch, & i tell emmy that holding hands is making my brain feel weird. emmy asks if i want to stop, & i say no. emmy starts playing with my hands, pressing down on the fleshy parts. we’re still talking abt lots of stuff, but emmy starts to stroke my half-opened palm lightly with two fingers, then gently thrusting, then stroking lightly again & it makes me feel insane. im trying to speak normally and not shudder as my my whole body is feeling overwhelmed by the sensitivity of my hands to emmys touch. its kind of embarrassing and i dont tell emmy how intensely erotic that felt to me though i have a feeling that emmy also felt good from touching me in their own way. im checking my phone sporadically because mom said they would get here around 4:15. but im hugging again & holding emmys arm & huddling close because its starting to get cold. emmy tells me to check the time again and its 4:09 but i have a missed call from mom so i call back & we start walking back. i ask emmy if she wants to say hi to my parents but i want to part ways at the edge of the park so we can have some privacy to say goodbye. emmy says no & my brain does a little dance. at the top of the steps emmy says they’re headed home & we hug. emmy likes doing a little one finger scratch on my back, & i like rubbing a little bit. we release a little, but i want to hug again. i want to stay with emmy for the rest of the day so bad. im so clingy & want more. we squeeze tightly, then i let go but emmy still holds onto me with a few fingers, & i feel so crushed & awkward. our byes are reluctant & rash, & we run off in separate directions. i look back for a second, but then rush to find mom & dad in the car.

i go upstairs first to gather my books & electronics & clothes, then to pee & grab the lion to take back home. we eat at aquarious next to some obnoxious businessmen on celebration. then im surprised to sleep the whole way home. emmy’s sweater smells good. it reminds me of how i felt about andrew, that the lack of noticeable odor meant they were familiar and comforting, like someone who could feel like home. i wake up seeing lantern-like lights through the sparse forest at the side of the road, & think it looks like we’re close to home. sitting up, i see that we’re near grays woods, just about to get off the highway. strange how home is sensed in many ways even while barely conscious & in the dark. when we get back, mom says my new sweater is so pretty, & the patches are placed in very artistic spots, & its hard to match colors to brown. why did my friend not wear it themselves? why did they give it to me? love me. listening to moms monologue i was basking in the afterglow. yeah, i hope so.

now that im home, i have just a few days to submit my applications for grand schools. smelling emmys sweater & stuff.. writing this bc i need to put it into words so that the thoughts in my mind can calm down. it smells so good. i rly miss emmy. i cant believe this is happening to me at 21. it feels both really late & also perfect. i love that emmy is not cis, & i love that emmy also does not have lots of dating experience. i want to be their first & maybe only lasting long term partner. wouldnt that be wonderful? emmy is so smart & diligent & powerful. she makes me feel grounded in the relational, material world by the ways in which knowledge abt how things function takes root in meaningful tasks. i feel so blessed to be liked by someone who is so brave & careful.

emmy told me that they liked me on saturday. i had spent all morning and early afternoon submitting my penn state app after falling asleep the night before. then we had our first lion dance practice as a new troupe, & kelley & sophia didn’t really participate. i just think their low feelings are really inconsiderate for putting extra burdens onto others. aki was really good though at paying attention to when we needed drumming & also participating in fun parts. we learned new bows, rolls, & throwing the lion into the air to get inside. afterward we ate at hewitt & everyone was very quiet. i talked a bit with aki bc we were sitting face to face. i forget what happened specifically after but emmy & i went to international to buy alcohol & ended up with a big bottle of plain soju. probably just told emmy that i wanted to relax after a stressful day. on the way back to river hall, i told emmy i am happy that our work & play cycles are so synchronized. in retrospect maybe emmy just always makes time for me like i make time for my friends lol. cute. emmy goes to the floor lounge because i wanna clean my room first & emmy wants to study. we study for maybe an hour, until 9, & then go to my room to drink! i try making a syrup out of gummy candy bc the soju is bad lol & it worked bbut was kinda thick. we talk about a lot of friends, & i end up talking abt how i think dating is so bad for friendships, & i think i would only feel comfortable dating another trans person. & emmy tells me that they have a huge crush on me. i don’t know what to say for a moment, & emmy gets embarrassed & tries to leave but i ask emmy to stay. i ask emmy what kind of feelings they have for me, & emmy says they liked when i touched them sometimes like hugs or when i pinched their cheek in the sdl, & it would be nice to cuddle sometime. emmy asks me what my feelings are & i say that i have a little crush too but i have small feelings for all of my friends because i want to spend a long time with them. say i want to try dating & emmy tells me that i need to figure out what i want first. we start talking abt our new lion dance stuff bc i think we were both really awkward & tense. emmy walks home bc it isnt that late yet. i dont remember a lot abt what we said near the end. after emmy left i felt kind of lightheaded thinking abt the possibilities. erotic in the way lorde writes about how loving women saves her life. i just rly want to tell someone that i might have a future.

the next day we’re supposed to meet up to print some shirts in the studio. but im a dumbass on many levels all throughout the day. i shower in the morning & then buy some transparent film at janoffs before telling emmy that we can print. emmy comes over & we design the print together, then we look all over barnard campus for a printer we can feed the transparencies into. my laptop also dies. dumbass. as we’re printing in the design center i realize the print studio had its own printer the whole time. dumbass. we go back & emmy find transparencies right behind the printer so i bought them for nothing. dumbass. i expose the screens without stitching the two halves of the lion together, and the text is backward even though i thought rly hard abt it before flipping the pages over & positioning them, & also our names didnt print. dumbass. we go to lion danc epractice to help teach hong bao, then we do kind of a bad job printing until the studio closes at 7. we’re both tired & hungry & go home.

on monday emmy msgs me to say that they were processing so didnt bring up anything but still wants to have a talk, & i realize it is going to be a serious, dtr kind of talk. i say i will bring it up next time. we plan to meet on thursday before q&a mafia night.

tuesday morning emmy msgs me if we can meet earlier bc they cant concentrate. i dont see the msg until late afternoon bc i have lunch w classmates after our last class, & then go to hualing’s place & try to figure out a thing where you lock fingers & stuck out pointer fingers, then touch the sides of your nose with your fingers, then release hands somehow. i don’t get it. huailing does a tarot reading for me, then i head home. i see emmy’s msg & say im free at night. i take a nap & shower, then emmy comes over at 9. we have a rly serious talk where we’re both nervous so im weirdly coy & emmy is sweaty & fidgety. i think emmy was unconvinced that i would like them back if i didn’t already have a big crush too & didn’t want to get hurt. i told emmy that i wouldnt have allowed myself to have feelings for anyone at all, & emmy also didnt understand that nobody has ever told me they liked me. living as a fag rly hurts me in ways that i cant help but to love deeply. lots of ppl have tried to have weird relationships with emmy though. we talk abt how bbf & gf & partner are all bad. we also talk about gender & how we both feel ok being who we are right now. i wanted to understand more abt how emmy feels re- transness but i think emmy is still on a journey. emmy asked me a bunch of stuff though & i talked abt dysphoria & wanting to transition as a teen but mostly bc of how i hated everything that puberty was doing to my body. i also told emmy that if they ever wanted to pursue other relationships i would be ok with it. i said it bc emmy seemed to be mostly interested in women & i also believe it, but i think emmy was more worried abt how i might be interested in a poly relationship. emmy asked me what i would do if someone said they liked me & i would say no & talk to emmy abt it. we also did silly stuff like figure out hualiling’s hand trick & i took a bunch of videos of emmy failing lol. it was getting late so emmy called a via. i asked if emmy would come to mafia night, or if we would see each other before i left, & emmy seemed hesitant. i asked emmy if she wanted to kiss & she said yes so we both drank some water but i still had dry mouth. emmy sat on the bed next to me & i leaned in a little, but emmy shied away. i asked emmy whats going on & emmy said i was very forward. i told emmy that it was my first time so i want them to take the lead. i leaned in a little bit more & emmy leaned away again, & i felt kind of foolish, but then emmy kissed me. i was eager to just do it, but i think emmy just needed a moment to gather some resolve to do it right. i thought we would have a very safe kiss but emmy was licking my upper lip, then my lower lip. we pulled away a bit & i told emmy that they smelled really good. emmy kissed me again & this time i understood a bit more how good it would taste & smell, & opened up my mouth a little more to taste and lick back. when we stopped i felt really awkward & embarrassed so i hugged emmy. we hugged for a while, & i was trembling a little from the unbalanced position & feelings of touch. we hugged & touched for a while until emmy suddenly remembered the via. it had just called, so emmy called back & said they were coming. i asked emmy if we would see each other before i left again, & we made plans to meet on friday. we ran downstairs together & up the street to where the car was parked. i was a step behind & felt emmy slow a bit, so i picked up the pace & emmy did too. emmy opened the door to confirm the via, then turned around & ran into me for another quick hug before getting into the car. back in my room, i saw that emmy forgot their water bottle. for the rest of the evening i was tasting my saliva as emmy’s.

wednesday came and went quickly because i woke up late & went to huailing’s apartment again to drink. her white gf & other white friend were there talking abt their jobs at competing van gogh exhibits which was so dull so i drank a lot, then when we went out to buy more i took the chance to go home.

thursday afternoon huailing & i took a pleasant half our metro to queensbridge to meet em after work. we took some little chocolate peppermint patty balls that were edibles & then went to get sushi. i got the simple greats (u know) but em & huailing got some fun stuff. huailing got a roll that had banana & spicy tuna inside which was actually rly good with a good amt of wasabi. em had a roll that was pretty much a salmon avocado roll on top of a eggplant parmesan. we also each got a little bottle of hot sake. i was rly happy to see them & eat together, & we always have silly stuff to chat abt. i didnt think the edible was doing much but after dinner i was pretty full & still craving more to eat. we went to mango mango & got a lychee & whipped cream cake, & snow white mango cup, & mango pancake, & coconut ice cream sundae. we talked abt holiday comfort movies, & singing, & then church choir, & then abt alternative church/preschool that is a book club where we also sing songs & journal & do crafts & eat together. we also talked about how em’s visa is expiring soon & needs to get married for citizenship. we were talking abt how huailing & em could get married to have a big divorce party that is also a murder mystery part where the whole family gathers & they bbreak the news of divorce, then someone dies. i told them that if they actually got a fake marriage, i would probably cry at the wedding, & they agreed. im grateful to be making my way down this winding path toward the horizon alongside them. i also told them abt my first kiss & feeling like a baby gay, & that i actually had a really good time these past few months. we all held arms on the train. while huailing & i were waiting for the transfer, i said that my semester would have been really dry without them, & huailing agreed.

we got to campus for mafia night & i peed, then ppl slowly started showing up. we had just started playing the first round when emmy showed up! emmy sat to the side on the sofas to eat & do some work, but i was really happy to see them esp because it seemed like they wouldnt come before. i was watching them work from the table, & emmy was listening to me facilitate from the couches. later emmy started practicing some lion dance tricks with ellen, & then it devolved into learning how to tie a bondage knot. i was sitting close watching & emmy made eye contact with me & asked if it was ok. so cute. ofc its ok. i rly enjoyed watching actually, knowing that we have a different kind of relationship. ellen was bad at figuring out the knot, so i tied it on emmy’s wrists & then emmy wiggled out bc i tied it loosely. we sat together on the couch as the second game finished, & everyone lingered to talk. i loved feeling emmys leg pressed against mine, knowing our secret but not so secret relationship that is cause for celebration either way. we left together after most people filtered out, & walked to the intersection of broadway & 115. i couldnt help but hug emmy. i got kind of embarrassed abt how physically sensitive i was to emmy’s touch, & then we hugged again. we’re so clingy & bad at saying goodbye. i want so much more that i feel insatiable, & also so full & satisfied by this feeling. i want to be touched by emmy all over, cuddling comfortably on my bed as we’re watching smth or playing a game. emmy is so diligent & knowledgeable & kind that i feel so much trust for how well emmy might be willing to love me. it feels for the first time like i have hope for a prosperous future.

i had such a good time this fall meeting emma in chinatown on my first day back; going to the beach with em & sony & huiying; then em & huailing & adele; exploring queer chinatown stuff w emmy; volunteering with caaav & performing at two bridges; seeing emma again & going hiking with emmy & kelley & sophia & chr*spina; going hiking with just emmy; sitting in the car with emmy on our way to lion dance in new jersey; seeing emily & claire & tyler; eating with em again & again; the whirlwind of emotions in the last week… i am so grateful to live every day wrapped in threads that pull me toward tomorrow, looking forward to seconds spent intimately & playfully, & the starving, rapturous love that carries us all on a billowing wave toward the homes we make in one another.

[aitian]

June 19, 2021

Sat 3:05am

its been a long time. not much has changed, still at home. i was dreading going back to school for a long time. idk, maybe it wont be so bad. alice has been home for a few days before her residency starts. locked myself in my room tonight bc i didnt want to talk to anyone. feels rly bad that mom & alice commplain abt dad, then keep enabling his bad behavior by letting him do things that he knows will make everyone unhappy then pretending that everything is okay whenever he wants to be ok. i always felt like a mediator growing up & i still keep doing work 1-1 with everyone in this family bc they wont think abt what they need from each other & just bicker all the time. then they tell me abt it like im a little puppy or a magical imaginary friend or smth. i was having anxiety naps then was watching mick & yune & eren livestream on ultrarareos twitch. i dreamed that it was mom & dads birthday, & we all went somewhere for dinner, then alice was asking me which bar we should go to for a drink next & i was like any one is ok bc i havent gone to any & she was getting frustrated at me for not making the decision, & i was already so mad at dad, & mom was saying how the bbar isnt so different from the restaurant so why dont we stay here, so i told alice its ok to stay here too, & she got mad at me for changing the plans. felt rly bullied waking up that my dream couldnt be abt something else. i started watching twitch streams mostly bc i have no friends, & i wanted to hear someone talk, esp bc adele doesnt rly msg me & sherry is kinda gone into internet bullshit so i feel like she doesnt even rly want to hang out when we r together. i miss having queer friends, i miss thinking someone is looking out for me, wanting to see me, or wanting to know how i feel. i msged simon a few weeks ago, who i used to know of as shirley. we hung out twice, & i want to see him again, but i think he isnt so interested in me bc i am boring these days. he was very excited to meet me bc i was mysterious & intriguing but i think it died down fast. its ok. i think its better to be distant friends instead of building up the kind of resentment toward friendships i have when everyone needs me to feel good at strange times in their lives but insists on our relationship model as unimportant and transient. i hate this idea but i also rly do want to date at some point. i have so much resentment toward the thought that it is the only viable thing to do, esp for someone so unviable like me. maybe i just wanna have sex, to feel wanted for a moment, & to think that there r tangible ways to walk into the future. fucking sucks. i think i can imagine more clearly how it feels to have sex tho, & i want it. maybe i wanna top a man that feels like the earth... vast & incapable of malice, able to give & receive violence, no more precious than my own body bc we r of each other. i got a metal wand a few days ago & i get it now. it feels rly good to let the motions move me. feels more like pressing buttons tho, but i can imagine how the feelings could resonate & amplify with scent, taste, & touch. i was reading an instagram post abt how beel hooks said in an interview that sexual liberation is celibacy & i dont think shes wrong. i think it probably has something to do with that article she wrote abt tasting, or having taste for, the other. i think, for myself, i have to learn someday.. to be anarchic on the level of myself... to be full & communal within myself.. to let go of those desires to hold on forever, so tightly, so intensely, to trust... & rly be in relationship with myself & my satisfactions. it sounds antithetical to why i was interested in anarchism to begin with, that idea that i could depend on other ppl bc it is the only way that anyone hasnt died. i still think it is true, but i think it is also an idea that is going to hurt me over & over & over in ways worse than being here or not here anymore. 

theres this seed that grows in the desert. the thing is, its going to die, right? theres no way it can grow there. im thinking abt how folks like me end up here, & what comes after. i dont want to leave home. isnt that the cruelest thing to my spirit & to the physical lives of everyone who is severed from my presence? maybe that cruelness isnt so bad. the thing is, the desert is everywhere. the seed might learn to get carried in the wind toward an unfamiliar stretch of desert. whose to say if the forests of origin still exist? can succession occur in this place that has been treated as garbage? its a paradise for those desert-dwelling folks. but seeds are only here to die. it feels like punishment. i dont want to grow scales & crawl with the rest of the folks who live. they have hurt & abused & chuckled while i have been withering. i dont blame them for living, but i will not forgive & become them either. they r the ppl i have grown up being told to love, for their love sustains my short moment of being. what do ppl like me do? it doesnt matter bc they arent me. the ones who survive r the ones i feel resentful toward. they betray me, they pretend to love me as much as they love the desert, they gaslight me into wanting this life. i am not grateful. maybe if i live long enough, i will become a vibrant poison. otherwise, this refusal is retribution enough. 

[aitian]

Sun 2/28 3:06am

watched a lot of crime shows lately. good girls, ginny & georgia, those kinds of crimes that happen in nice places, done by nice ppl. or like, suburban dystopia & rats on the countertops. 

up late last night watching tv- been really good & sleeping early for the last two weeks, waking up early too. but i woke up around 1pm today with plans to go do something, anything, with mom, hang out somewhere or smth. last weekend we went to altoona with dad too, & walked around the mall & ate kfc in the car before driving back. mom got a call from alice & sat on my bed with me, & we talked abt her residency match stuff & whatever. idk i think i was saying smth silly, maybe abt altoona last week, & felt like we were abt to end the call, & mom said she needed to tell us smth important. & she told us that grandma passed away last week, on wednesday. she died in the morning, & it snowed for the first time in a while that day in luoyang. its a good sign, peaceful passing. i started crying, & i heard moms voice start to break, & on the phone alice’s face begin to turn red. just like tears leaking out of my eyes, i didnt even feel the squeezing or any of the feelings in my head before i began crying. i guess its just one of those things that happens on its own. in my head i was thinking abt how i didnt think i would cry at this news, or actually thats wrong, of course i would. maybe it was just unexpected how easy & tender my body was to those words, & smth slow moving so far away, its aftermath, & the quietness of the ceremony i have never been a part of & always been a part of. i didnt know grandma well. i have a vague memory of being kind of mean and childish during the longest time we were together, around 2007 or 2008. and again, feeling so lost in 2018 seeing her and grandpa so old, feeling their days go by with difficulty. it always felt like the numbness of separation would shield me from tears like these. sociopath immigrant kids with no past, no access or interest in those things that hold us down. relieved thats not me. im not stupid enough to think that theres some sort of genealogical magic or fetish teaching that will set me free. its all here though, with nuance, in the moments that im living. that feels big, & free, & scary too. im thinking abt the clouds moving through the sky today. rly existential sometimes these days, sudden panic & the like, mostly thinking abt mom not being here someday. that hurts so bad. 

after the call we hugged, & i cried more, & mom talked about how those great people, the greats, wei da de ren, were by her side. & things about how those days when it was the six of them, mom, two uncles, grandma, grandpa, & great grandma, all living in one house, she always felt, even at the time, that those were the happiest days of her life. it means a lot for a small family to be under one roof. (& earlier on the call, it means a lot for a person to take care of themself. i felt sad, or almost a bit irritated when mom said that on the call, that its a lesson we should learn from grandma that its important to take care of ourselves, as if there is a moral to smth like this, or smth so simple to gain, & i know its bc she wanted to be someone who could say that to her kids in a moment like this, & she feels the same way as i do, & even more, abt the vastness of this moment.) when mom told dad on thursday he cried, & then said some stupid shit abt how they shouldnt have stayed. she didnt tell alice on the phone but she told me. when would dad ever offer a comforting word? he has been so shitty & annoying these past few days, bickering & teasing & doing things to make mom angry like any other time. we also talked abt some stupid stuff like how xiao yu ah yi made yuan xiao in jiu niang, some meat & some black sesame all together, with diced carrot & corn in the soup that mom & dad tried to eat for breakfast. we ended up leaving the house around 3 after eating some breakfast. 

mom drove to the golf course by waffle shop, & we got out of the car on that path that leads to the IST bridge. talked abt how golf is so dumb & we just wanted to walk on their field. went a little down the path until it met the road, & walked down the road for a bit. mom said she didnt want to retrace our steps so i said we could just take a circle and walk on the grass. there was still a lot of snow, around 4 inches where it was deep but the tops of the hills were bare. took some photos. mom smiled really natural & pretty, like i dont see her doing well when posing, & she thought so too. we ran a little bit, & stopped after we got to the top of a hill. i was looking at the sky, really blue & sunny & mostly filled with white clouds, blowing by. they were moving fast & steady, like that memory i have of feeling them go by. so wonderful. i felt the ground beneath my feet in that moment, like an animal standing on a hill, born from thos big breathing thing, moving as a small & big part of it, it moving as a vast part of me, above & below me. it means so much that these moments we spend together .  just that. we made our way back to the car & decided to go to home goods. we poked around & looked at stuff, & by the time we got to the furniture half of the store i felt kinda tired so we found an ottoman to sit on. & we were talking abt the texture of the fabrics on the chairs & stuff, & decided to just go to loves (where wolfs furniture went out of business, advertising a total liquidation sale recently) & look at sofas. im laying on it right now. we sat on everything downstairs, then sat on stuff upstairs. & we sat on the one before this & mom was like, this could be the one, & i said we shoould keep looking, & mom sat on this one, & mom said this is the one. & she called a sales associate over & he asked what her question was, & she said she didnt really have one. she wanted to buy this sofa. also, whats the final price? the tag said smth like 2000 as the discounted price, & the guy said 1400. & mom said we/ll take it, & we did. mom got shoe covers from amys mom for when the movers came, & we moved the old sofa out of the way into the guest room (dad took the door off & we tilted in every direction). then i played some genshin co-op with sherry in my room & we called & chatted abt stuff while the moving happened. it got quiet after moving & my phone ran out of battery & i went downstairs & we ate hot pot. new couch. life. i think im going to sleep here tonight. it smells like new couch, & i think i liked this smell on our old couch but it just smells kinda smelly to me now. feels like when we travel, or moved houses, or something like that. the feeling that life is changing a lot, or we are making changes, moving about, being changed, becoming changed.

[aitian]

8:03am monday

2/8

mom told me today a story. well yesterday. we were at the uni mart getting gas, maybe this was right before or after. on our way to ulta & then weggies. idk y she chose uni mart actuqlly, seems out of the way. anyway the story.

mom didnt have a lot of clothes growing up. during those growing times, she just didn't. (i don't think the why is important, but just the way things were, material, money, convention, fashion, etc). grandma had nice clothing though, & she would keep it in a box near the head of the bed. with two 香蕉苹果, not banana apples, she said they were like gold delicious. she would try on her mothers clothes when she was alone. other women used fragrances & things that keep bugs away. smth like that. but mom remembers the apples clearly. im remembering now,it was before the uni mart. as we were pulling into the gas station, mom told me one time a friend bought a pair of pants for grandma from the city or smth, & rhey didn't fit so she gave them to mom. & mom was so happy. they were maybe stiff & fashionable, & mom said she remembers wearing them to do exercises once at school, & feeling a bit ridiculed for the unproper clothing. on that road in front of harner farm, what i was thinking abt was the time mom caught me at night in alices room. that time i had a skirt on, & wanted to try on smth that might help me. feel good about my shoulders or my legs or my face or my waist or my future or my past. i remember shutting the door & mom on the other side, & she asked me what i was doing, & i don't remember what i said. probably nothing much. & she knew, bc im sure she saw me. & she said some things probably, & went back to bed, & never brought it up again. i thought abt that before this past yr, when mom said things abt letting kids, those queer/trans ppl, live how they want to. i don't know. at least i was moving in a direction at the time. these days all i do is lay in bed, or walk around wanting to lay in bed wanting to want to be out of bed living a life i want to feel good living.

[aitian]

6:20am

what is it called when u kno.. literally everyone has hurt me before. & i still should beg for permission to bring them joy if i wanna continue living. not that there arent good things but this nonhuman body is barred from most of those joyous life rituals. don't wanna feel like adults r just cowards who havent died yet but also. u kno.. i have two parents & many teachers & absolutely no thoughts on what the next moments of my life might be like.

feel a lot of resentment toward those adults. feel a lot of resentment toward those friends too, all of them, whose paths engulf mine for seconds & tear away pieces that looked yummy at the time. those friends who would never feel devotion, whose life making & futures draw borders across my roads that i cannot traverse anymore. why am i still moving toward the future alone?

[aitian]

2/2/21 

tue 5:31am

it’s really bright out. i think we’re playing kickball. i love how round & squishy the kickball is, & the friction of the rubber. not that i spend time with the ball while we play. im waiting at one of the bases, & one of those white boys kicks the ball past our piece of pavement into the grassy slope. he’ll get to run all the way home bc the ball will roll away. he has his tshirt rolled up past his belly & tucked into his collar. i wish i was born so pretty.

there is a tree at the edge of the playground near the fence. we don’t go past the trees & run away for some reason. behind the fence is the parking lot for all of the buses in our school district. we can see through the fence, but it feels more like a wall. we stand around the edge of the circular track they make us run around during gym, in the grass not too far from that tree. they’re all giggling, but i feel smth more like fear, though not so visceral & much more confusing. its a familiar cloud that i drift in during school. anything from eating lunch to getting kicked has a seat in the cloud. it clears up when i throw up & sit in the car as mom drives toward home, or after i get off the bus & think abt microwaving some chicken nuggets. one by one, the boys take turns going behind the tree & taking a piss. i dont want to so i dont.

when we are alone, my best friend & i i build pillow forts & pretend to go on spy missions with our stuffed animals, or we play video games or read comics, & hug to say bye. i remember reading amulet together. i like that he doesnt rly listen to adults but he listens to me. it is rly wonderful to me, because i am always the one listening & watching, & feeling unheard or afraid to say how i feel. one time when i slept over at his house, i remember feeling very protective of him because of some reason. maybe he told me he was afraid of the dark or smth. he is actually pretty mean to his parents & sister, but i think those kinds of fights are normal. maybe i have a feeling that when we are compared, i am better in the bookish & obedient things our community praises kids for. i also like that he is good at drawing & imagines different worlds with me. i get in trouble when we are together & act in ways i would not have otherwise.

i remember we were at an amusement park or something of the sort, maybe near a boardwalk. in early days, i got along with his sister better than him. i remember thinking maybe that i liked her, probably the first time a thought like that occurred to me. it was like the kind of feeling between 哪吒 & 小龙女, a nostalgic theme, conspirators for life, want to love u or maybe just be u. i think a lot of my early relationships were like that, with girls who i wanted to be like, who felt dignity & silliness & beauty. it broke my heart when he avoided me at school. just made school feel more confusing & lonely & fraught.

we’ve been friends on & off but mostly off since then. i remember hanging out in 3rd grade bc we were in the same class for once, & feeling kind of wholesome with a smallish group of friends. that yr i was friends with boys. & then 4th grade sucked bc the white boys were different ones who loved being mean, & he was also mean. though i didnt rly have friends all through elementary, started hanging out with girls more again after that. in middle school i felt the same way that first yr. i didnt have friends in my homeroom, & when we were together it was with a group of mean boys. we did science olympiad together & i was nice to him, then condescending, then avoidant. his dad hurt me that one time we did some water filtration lab together & i was mad at him for all the reasons. i felt so ashamed. i was friends with a group of boys who moved with a more degenerate, loser-like quality, & they were mean too. & finally i was friends with eilene, & also l*, those sociopaths. for so long. i think i got so attached to andrew that first yr of high school not only bc he was so cute, but bc he helped me feel free again, like i could imagine smth different & the potential of that would make my moments now feel safe. like i could feel less ashamed in my skin & happy to continue living beyond the other punishments. he had that air of beauty & dignity, confidence in his movements that i know to be fake whether its fem or masc. those folks sunken into politics of desirability. i think i have never rly been looking for friends in the ways other ppl find short relationships that help them through selfish moments toward the next steps in their journeys. that feels like heartbreak to me. i think the friends i have made r all ppl i have a lot of respect for, ppl who r mentors & ppl i at least had hoped i could dream with.

writing this bc i have been reading a lot of bl, watching japanese bl movies & such. didnt wanna think abt anything else this weekend. those boys r all boys who feel incredibly attractive to girls. i think im feeling much more like a boy recently. also, i feel rly pretty & girly looking at myself in the mirror after watching those movies. esp my face. mom cut my hair shorter recently for the first time in more than a yr, & i still look so fem though my hair sticks out at the bottom now instead of the interlocked draping from before. anyway, those actors r so attractive, in certain angles & lighting. so hot. other moments their motions are not, but then they tilt their head or move their neck & become angels again. learning to like how they look as a whole in those movies (though they r literally models & actors) & feel good abt my face in response. started logging stuff in a twitter account bc there is an ocean of gay manga & movies from my past that i will probably never drift to again, but some things feel kind of important or (at least)/(because they have been) memorable. what i watched today was cherry magic! & the actors were very cute so cute, such good expressions. the best moment was when the main lead returns a scarf & says i’ll wash it first & the love interest is like no, no & in his head, gratefully,  “that would be a waste” & the main lead can hear his thoughts & thinks “EH?? wASTE?” lol. peak queer narrativity, shameful pleasure & torturous subtext. the movie is 90% unhidden subtext bc its all abt listening to thoughts. anyway, it is keeping me alive in these bedtime moments thinking abt class in a few hrs.