#i think they are both people who have developed a very specific shield to protect them from the world outside

[dayurno]

what do u like about allison? not attacking u or anything she's just always fell flat to me and im open to enlightenment

shes funny to me :) i like that she's catty and entitled and insufferable, but that there are moments where it slips (namely grieving seth, but also offering herself up to be a confidante to neil, crumpling into renee after andrew hurts her) and we get to see that she's terrified of herself And others and that money could not buy her a sense of self nor a reasonable emotional framework. there are also small things about her that i just find endearing, like the few times where her and matt act like siblings (when the foxes get rained on and matt takes a picture of her looking soaked, much to her horror, and when jeremy shows the foxes his game plan for the semi finals and allison tugs incessantly at matts sleeve to let her see it) and her horrible betting problem, the way she knew neil caused seth's death but also knew she couldn't live her whole life with that grudge, her gossip habits, the way she desperately wants to fix everything with money (taking the foxes out to the cabins after neil got kidnapped always seemed like such an obvious attempt to soothe the team to me, but allison was not raised on affection and the only way she can conceive it is through what she can offer them in monetary terms + i'm reminded of the bit in the ec that allison keeps a trustfund for the foxes' children and that she pays for renee's child's medical bills) etc!

i do mean it when i say that allison and kevin are not all that different, and they have a very similar understanding (or lack thereof) of the way relationships work, but allison can be such a steorotype sometimes it's hard to allow ourselves to see her as anything but a tall hot glass of skank, whereas we naturally give kevin more nuance and space for humanity because we are taught to believe men are more capable of complexity than women. one of my favorite allison is kevin in a wig moments is the fact that allison's goal with seth ('to make a real man out of him', to give him something to live for, to make him want to achieve it) is exactly the same as kevin's goal with andrew

[fudanshipoe]

bungo stray dogs, themes of trauma, the abuse cycle, and how ranpo's disability+autistic trauma is an integral part of untold origins ★

🦴 abilities represent trauma and trauma responses

🦴 trauma as a theme of cycles

- the abuse cycle

- the "savior" cycle

🦴 the government, war, and society

- yosano, mori

- verlaine, chuuya

- fukuchi, teruko

- the role of the government

🦴 untold origins

- ranpo's ability is autistic masking

- his trauma

- untold origins through the lens of autistic trauma

wc; 2.6k (Origins quotes included in pictures only but I explain them briefly)

(this is also crossposted on Twitter, this is a long read format)

In this I want to cover trauma, and by extent mental illness, as an overarching theme in BSD, and how it portrays the cycles and effect of abuse, war, and is an exploration of traumatized individuals operating in a world not built for them. Additionally, Untold Origins is about autistic trauma.

Despite the approach of supernatural themes, Bungo Stray Dogs lends itself heavily to the discussion of trauma, mental illness, and its effects. One of the most notable themes in Bungo Stray Dogs is trauma and abuse, but it extends beyond the main abuse chain that most recognize to partially originate from Mori and end with Kyouka (Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka, to be specific). There is a large focus on the abuse cycle and how trauma affects people. Emphasis is also placed on the specific structural abuse and violence of society within the world of BSD. The complexities of the abuse cycle are highlighted in organizations such as the Port Mafia, which is by far the most recognizable example within the series, but the government as another authoritative state plays another role in the cycle. BSD shows its readers various depictions of how trauma will manifest or affect two people who encounter the same thing. BSD shows a very honest depiction of mental illness in general, but it's specifically in how trauma affects the characters that these themes become integral to the story.

To start off the actual analysis, abilities themselves are representative of trauma responses. They arise from high stress situations in order for the user to have a protective mechanism for themself, uncanny to how actual trauma responses develop. Whether you think it is non-exclusive because abilities are based upon literature, many if not all of the characters’ abilities parallel their trauma. This is highlighted with tons of the characters, obviously, but I'll only point out a few because a separate analysis would be needed for every ability in the series (I want to one day, but not now). Each ability exhibits what each ability user needed in order to survive. Atsushi was a victim of child torture from what could have been birth, or at least since coming into the orphanage, to young adulthood, and he needed to become something to combat it. Beast Beneath the Moonlight is an ability that allows Atsushi to become something near invulnerable, with his impenetrable fur, regeneration, and the claws that cut through abilities themself. No Longer Human reflects how Dazai never allows anyone to get close to him, how he always keeps his guard up, how he never allows himself the vulnerability of being seen or touched. Both literally and metaphorically. Akuatagwa, similar to Atsushi, growing up in the slums needed a way to protect himself, Gin, and the other children around him. His ability is one that I feel is the most obvious with its connection to his trauma, as it is so important in depicting his relationship with Dazai and his own ability, though that is more about his coat itself than explicitly Rashomon. He only had the clothes on his back to protect him, so that is what manifested, the ability to control and kill his enemies with what little shield he had against the world. These will be the only ones I highlight in this section as they're some “main” examples and this is not meant to be exclusively on what the ability represents for individual characters. There are also plenty of characters that we can only speculate on, as we don't know much about their past, if at all many of them.

The cycle of abuse is the main theme present under the topic of trauma and how it relates to BSD's story. The most notable abuse chain that runs from Mori, to Dazai, to Akuatagwa, and finally ending with Kyouka is easily the most recognizable example of this. Whether you believe Mori's relationship with Dazai, and affect on him, was inherently classified as child abuse is irrelevant here and up to interpretation, I suppose, as a lot of people seem to believe so for some reason. Regardless, you cannot deny that the lessons of optimal solutions, needing to live for a purpose, and harsh treatment runs in this line of mentor/mentee relationships.

This is also the case between Mori and Yosano, though I'm not sure how much Mori would constitute as a “mentor” to Yosano over just being her superior, considering his relationship and treatment of Yosano is vastly different compared to Dazai. The cycles of abuse is not only present within the mentor/mentee cycle of BSD either, another major example is how many characters treat others based upon how they would treat themself, and this treatment arises from a place of projection. In the Dark Era, Mori acts according to his own judgment, assuming that Dazai will not act adversely based upon the shared qualities he sees of himself in Dazai. A shared logistical, observant brain and their ability to navigate a situation through predicting and utilizing their pawns. Dazai trains Akutagawa the way he does because he believes it is what Akuatagwa needs in order to be successful and survive.

Kouyou is a very great instance of this, too. The Port Mafia is a root of much of the abuse taking place within the story of Bungo Stray Dogs, and Kouyou shows this the best, aside from characters like Dazai and Akutagawa. This is where I want to specify that Mori is not the root cause or direct start of the abuse cycle within the series, as the Port Mafia itself was a tool of organizational abuse from the start. The Port Mafia has always used tactics of aggression and suppression as an operation, however, there is a stark difference between the Old Boss and Mori on how this force is used. There is no real difference on how they affect the Port Mafia individually, except the methods used and the tighter reign of control Mori uses compared to the reckless abandonment for critical thought towards the end for the Old Boss. It's an inherently corrupt organization despite the importance it holds in the balance of Yokohama. Kouyou was in the Mafia from childhood, and when she lost the hope of being able to escape that world, she lost her trust in both the organization and the greater world of people. This is the reason that she pushes her own beliefs onto Kyouka and tries so desperately to keep her in the mafia. Her disdain for hope and recognition of herself in Kyouka is the causation for her to attempt to drill this mindset into Kyouka.

Kouyou isn't the only one who projects herself onto Kyouka specifically either, as Akutagawa follows the lessons he has learned and forces his beliefs of giving Kyouka's life a “reason” through her ability and killing ability. Which is exactly what he learned through his years in the Port Mafia as Dazai's mentee. Another example of a character projecting their own traumas onto someone they recognize themself in is very obviously Verlaine, through the events of him forcing Chuuya to his side because of his thought process.

There is a common justification that many of the characters make that they are doing what needs to be done. There are many other examples that could be made from the series, but all of this is to say that there is a large representation of the idea that “hurt people hurt people”. It's what the abuse cycle is on an interpersonal level. The actions taken are not excused by a victim’s own past, however it is a very real depiction of the abuse cycle and its effects in the series.

There is some hope to be found though as the parallel to this is being “saved”. Exemplified through the Armed Detective Agency as a whole, it ends up being essentially a safe haven for many of the members. Earlier I mentioned Kyouka, and she is specifically helped by Atsushi. I really don't want to refer to this as a savior cycle because it's really not, they're not all “saviors”, I just don't really have a better name for it.

The best examples for the roots of this cycle in the series are Fukuzawa and Oda, though they are naturally not the only cause for the chain of events within this cycle of influence. Fukuzawa brings me back to the topic of the Armed Detective Agency, which was established in the first place in order to help Ranpo and others. He left his influence on Ranpo first in Untold Origins, and Yosano when the two are able to get her away from Mori, but he also is the first in the chain that impacted Oda (though not the only), another important figure in this theme. He is the person that is able to plant a moral seed in Dazai and change the course of his life, and he was the only one able to do this. This brings me back around to Atsushi, who after being taken into the ADA by Dazai is able to save Kyouka, Lucy, and Sigma in one way or another.

It is important to highlight the Decay of Angels arc and portraying the tragic results of war. The ones I'm going to discuss are Fukuchi, Fukuzawa, Yosano, Mori, and Teruko as participants of war, Verlaine and Chuuya as the result of the government experimentation after the war, and then Tachihara from an outsider's perspective because of his brother. There is limited information that we have on The Great War itself, but what we do know is that it was a fight between ability user organizations and for the use of abilities in warfare. It is shown to be the cause of much of the suffering of many characters in the series, whether it is as a participant or a result of the inherent tragedy of war. Yosano was a child soldier exploited by Mori, who was able to use his position to prove his thesis for the beneficial use of abilities in warfare. It's unclear to me whether it was issued from upper levels, but his Infantry Division was for the purpose of proving what you could harness with abilities and warfare. This is not the only time that ability experimentation resulted during/from The Great War either, both Verlaine and Chuuya were a result of ability research and singularity creation. You could also infer that The Hunting Dogs project, though it is not confirmed (I think?), is a result of this as well. All of this to show the role that the government plays in the war, and alongside the damage that war already brings the government is shown to prey on the vulnerable within.

Fukuchi is probably the most noteworthy example of war and trauma in BSD, as he is the one who enacts the greatest damage in order to stop another war to his knowledge. His entire motivation for creating the DOA and bringing calamity was to prevent a repeat of what he had witnessed in the battlefield. Though he also has personal beliefs for world peace from the beginning, it grew to be more than that. The war intrinsically changed him due to the trauma, and soldier’s PTSD is naturally a common thing. The war changed Yosano as well, and while the two had very different circumstances, they carry the weight of their sins years later. Teruko was essentially born from war itself, and similar to Atsushi, she was forced to become something or someone that was able to fight, hence her ability forcing maturity and age. Teruko's ability itself is an example of how intense or prolonged trauma can cause a person to force self preservation in the face of it as a tactic to survive. Many of the characters show this, but it is especially prevalent with Fukuchi and Teruko because of the war. The entire arc brings into question the role of the government in war, corrupt power, the tragedy of war, and the point of it in the first place.

I'm making a seperate section to talk about Ranpo's ability, Untold Origins, and autistic trauma. Ranpo is the only character based on an author who does not have a literal ability, and I believe his lack of ability and insistence on keeping the illusion up is reminiscent of autistic masking. As to why I think he is autistic outside of the context of Origins, please refer to this thread .

Masking is camouflaging autistic traits in order to appeal to neurotypical or allistic (non-autistic) expectations. This could be internalizing discomfort, suppressing behaviors, copying others’ behavior in order to “fit in”, or an array of examples of forcing yourself out of your nature. Long-term masking can lead to extreme damage to your mental health, it can cause burnout, distressed behavior (meltdowns, shutdowns), issues with sense of self, etc.

Ranpo doesn’t mask very much in the present canon, he has a support system with his friends and family in the ADA where he is not judged for his autistic traits or behavior. Yet he keeps up the illusion of being an ability user partially for his own sake, but mostly to appear a certain way for the Agency and others. His ability is the only mask he keeps up, and the reason for this is the same reason he got it in the first place. Ranpo had to deal with the world outside of himself not accepting him for the way he is, and this is specifically because of his autistic traits. His false ability was essentially given to him by Fukuzawa as a way to quell his frustrations with the world, an explanation to Ranpo for why he is the way he is, because the world didn't understand the way he was and vice versa. He does seem to mask his autistic traits in Untold Origins, however, both due to his experiences he talks about and his parents. Masking can be traumatic, growing up in a world not built for you is traumatic, and the culmination of it all is what leads to Ranpo’s meltdown. Being autistic is not inherently traumatic, but the instability of day to day life can even be a causation for it, and this is the case for Ranpo. He goes about the story assuming that he will get adverse reactions if he speaks up or acts like himself, showing specifically his autistic traits, and this is the reason that he masks. Like any other autistic person, he masks in order to survive situations or to avoid confrontation over it when he never intended it. He was already a sheltered kid, and so he was raised with the deliberate suppression of his autistic traits, to which he cannot control and that cannot be separated from him. Even if it was an effort to protect him by his parents, it had negative consequences on Ranpo. Growing up that sheltered is damaging enough but it is dire to understand that this is in relation to Ranpo's being autistic as well, so he was thrust into a world that already did not understand him as a young autistic person after he lost his parents, an added trauma on top of the loss.

(below are the quotes I was referring/alluding to)

(In order is Ranpo's meltdown scene, an example of the double empathy problem (difficulties due in part due to a mutual lack of understanding when socializing between autistics/allistics because of the way we experience the world internally/externally) in which Ranpo looks at the same thing as someone else but they percieve it vastly different and Ranpo does not realize this, an observation from Fukuzawa on Ranpo's inherent difference, Ranpo's expectations of rejection, another observation from Fukuzawa on how Ranpo doesn't realize any of this, Ranpo expecting rejection based upon experiences in the past, and finally what I interpret to be an example of suppression of Ranpo's autistic traits (in a literal sense it is referring to his ability, which is representative of his autistic masking/really autism in general)

The manifestation of his ability is not a literal one like the other characters in the series, but it is an extension of his need to mask at times. Whether it is damaging or not, Ranpo clings to it because it is both connected to Fukuzawa and it is the first time he got an answer to why he is this way instead of being told to hide it for the convenience of others. When you grow up in a world that does not like you for what you are, it would only be natural for him to be desperate for the comfort of something after believing for so long that there was something inherently wrong with him.

There are definitely more thoughts that I have on this topic, such as poverty in relation to the Akutagawa siblings and Atsushi (Beast, specifically as well), but I want that to be a separate analysis.

[kaseyskat]

hi it's nyx here once again to talk about lark vs henry and what that meant for sparrow because i swear every episode that shows even a Little bit of sparrow's actual personality is controversial.

"nyx what do you mean by this" well it's a very blatant fact that sparrow does not get much nuance in the fandom: this is especially prevalent when examining hero's conversation with normal where she explicitly calls out lark and rebecca alongside sparrow and yet sparrow is solely blamed. because of this, every time we do see sparrow be his genuine self in the show - from talking to scary and shielding her from violence to taking charge of grant and lark and wanting to help the teens to the most recent episode's case of him not believing in animal captivity - i've noticed people quickly jumping on him for being hypocritical but nobody asking why he would be hypocritical, or why he's made choices that clearly do not reflect his actual beliefs.

so let's talk about that, shall we?

i know i've talked about this before but it bears repeating: sparrow is complacent. he has consistently made decisions that go against his own beliefs, bottling up his actual thoughts on the matter in order to "keep the peace". we know this, this is a canon fact, he said as much about lark and rebecca's affair!

why does he do this? well to me, what makes the most logical sense is that this stems all the way to lark and henry's conflict. if the rogue card is only predicting anger and not enforcing it, that means there is more to lark's anger than just what happened with walter. part of that is his fear of being unable to protect the people he cares about, being helpless in situations where he could've done something, yes, but i do believe there's another root cause to his anger, one that would fuel him for decades: sparrow.

...well, more specifically, how henry changed sparrow.

we know that lark wasn't the happiest about the lovewolf split. after the lord of chaos arc, sparrow starts very slowly developing a separate personality, enough so that he and lark aren't necessarily the same kid, one unit, the same person twice. sparrow tried to teach lark his new philosophy, it was ultimately rejected. lark doesn't understand it! but he loves sparrow regardless. that disappointment, that resentment of how sparrow had changed... it goes back to henry, to henry giving sparrow that speech and reinforcing those beliefs!

we also know that originally, sparrow didn't want to pick a side. he wanted them both to get along! to reconcile! and we know that lark didn't tell him about what he saw on the throne, which has me believing that there were, perhaps, other things that lark didn't tell sparrow in crucial moments: such as his decision to release the doodler, since we really don't know if sparrow knew. sparrow would've been happy to reconcile the two, and it makes sense if this was something he didn't know but something that shakes his perspective: aka, what happens if lark doesn't confide in him. to get lark back on his side, he has to be on lark's side irrevocably, which means abandoning his peacekeeping and mediation to choose lark wholeheartedly.

so by the time the ep23 flashback happens... sparrow has lost that bit of personality he had started to form in s1. he's lark's other half again, helping him with plans, sharing his ideas. he has... you could say, lost his confidence in being a lovewolf, because despite his best efforts, it only brought more strife to his family and he doesn't want to lose lark. we know this! he doesn't want to lose lark!

and then, they find out the prophecy, that one of the twins will have a kid who will save the world. think about everything we know about lark, how stubbornly persistent he was on fixing things Himself since he puts the weight of the world on his shoulders alone. lark doesn't blame sparrow or henry, he only blames himself. would he jump at having a family to fix his mistakes? no.

but sparrow would.

so sparrow takes that burden from him. sparrow has hero when he is twenty, and lark gets to be the cool uncle who helps around the house and hero blames both twins equally so we know they did this together. sparrow doesn't want to lose lark again, he doesn't want to be himself, he adapts to rebecca's views because it's easier than admitting that maybe he shares some of the same- definitely makes him marrying a vegan centrist make sense, right? he can use rebecca as a scapegoat and it Works. his own personality gets shafted in favor of being the same man twice with lark, he bottles everything up, he disapproves but never says as much.

and he fucked up with hero. clearly, he knows that. hero has a regular life now at a private school with a job and an internship and she's a massive dweeb and i don't think any one of you could look me in the eye and say that lark approved that. it was sparrow's decision! and we know what lark thinks about sparrow's parenting: i need every one of yall who truly believes that lark would be a better father to normal to go and relisten to normal's introduction scene in ep1 and then to the end of ep24 again where lark explicitly tells normal that being the mascot is a waste of his time when he could be learning "actually useful" skills (like hunting and survival- and yall still think sparrow was the one having hero kill deer?) and that he's too soft-hearted and naive and that is sparrow's fault for being too nice. normal would not be the same kid if lark was raising him and that is NOT a good thing lmao

all of this to say. i am so tired of people understanding lark's nuance and understanding grant's nuance and understanding the s1 dads and their nuance and how their trauma fucked up their relationships with their kids and yet sparrow is the one yall bash every other week repeatedly without ever wondering like. huh. maybe it is strange that his actions now don't hold up against his actions in the past. maybe there's something else going on that is consistent with literally every other aspect of his character. it is so tiring to go into his tag and see the same things over and over and over again repeated on loop every time we see sparrow's actual personality slip out beyond him perpetuating the "same man twice" persona. he's nuanced! they're all nuanced! and that's a good thing!

sparrow's biggest issues are his complacency, the way he upholds decisions that might not really be the best decisions because it's easier. his love for lark and his desire to fix things clouds his judgement and yeah, that means he goes against his own morals frequently; or at least, he did. so far in the season though, with how he's treated normal being in the line of fire and getting into his mess, he's definitely already realized this and is putting in the work to ensure that normal doesn't go through what hero did- something that lark is not doing. sparrow's also been the best towards the other teens consistently, the most willing to listen and change his perspective (as demonstrated again in ep24- really i just think people need to relisten to ep24!) and he's definitely not the best dad but that can be said not just about all the kiddads but also about literally every dad in this podcast, because that's what this podcast is about. thank you for reading and i hope i don't have to make this post again in a few weeks <3

[okthatsgreat]

my beautiful rambling essay on adaine and kristen adapting to their shitty households

i think examining the way adaine feels about her parents versus how kristen feels about her parents is such a fascinating look into both their characters and honestly the different types of abuse they had both endured. like its sooooo so good at framing how two teenagers who have undergone very abusive households could be so similar yet react so differently. its a great look into how they had survived and adapted

from the very beginning, adaine has been a character that lives with spite. this is made clear from the get go, as even though freshman adaine is an extremely nervous person that tends to shy away from massive confrontations, especially with those unfamiliar to her, she is a teenager who has adapted to her neglectful environment through growing bitter. she resents her family from the beginning as a means of protecting herself, as she at that point has had no shield in the form of aelwyn or any guidance in the form of jawbone. she is very alone against her household, but adaine had refused to let these people beat her into a shell of a person. in fact, the very first interaction we ever see from adaine is between her and her father, where she very fragrantly disapproves of his tone against her. and despite her being quickly outnumbered at that table, she is still biting and knows to stick up for herself up against her sister, even getting pushed to the point of violence against aelwyn when she attempts to punch her.

adaine abernant knows that lying over and playing dead-- a task that, frankly, her sister has already done in order to escape abuse-- means giving up. so while she is frightened, while she is devastated that her parents think so little of her that they would escape to fallinel without so much as a text, adaine refuses to show weakness around them. but this defensive measure against her parents is just as harmful to herself; in a household where EVERY weakness has been used against her, in a household where her mental illness is considered a deep and debilitating flaw, it is very easy to see why freshman (AND honestly sophomore year as well, as we can see a bit in the nightmare forest) adaine had interpreted her anxiety as life-ruining. it is likely she correlates any mental health flare-up to her parents neglecting and despising her, considering how terrible they treat her and how receptive they are to the "perfect" """mentally stable""" aelwyn. adaine abernant had adapted to her abusive household by holding a deep resentment for the people who had ruined her, while still being acutely aware that she is ruined. this resentment over her parents never relents. she does not forgive her mother when she gives her a small apology in freshman year. she is dismissive/hostile towards them in sophomore year, INCLUDING aelwyn at first. she does not spend spell slots or hit points trying to rescue them from the harvestmen-- in fact, it is kristen applebees who elects to take the hit for adaine's family, after adaine uses her divination roll on kristen's family (but more specifically, her younger brothers).

now kristen is a bit different. she was not raised in a neglectful household (i say this lightly-- those harvest festivals are likely under this umbrella amongst other things), and did not develop a biting exterior as a means of protecting herself. now despite her very clearly having grown up in a cult environment and having been brainwashed and molded into "helio's chosen one", kristen is by no means a completely placated character in freshman year. she is aware of her parent's bigotry and even actively calls her mother out on it, but it is all in the name of helio. in freshman kristen's eyes, helio is a strict but loving god, one that will condemn her if she is sinful but will be content if she continues to spread her interpretation of good to her peers. to freshman kristen, helio is GOOD, and because her parents are so devoted they must also be GOOD despite kristen already knowing that they are flawed people. so while she is opinionated, kristen begins her story believing that she had been raised in a very loving, nurturing household, and while it was strict they did care for her under the eyes of her god. by all means, kristen's upbringing was considered normal to her. she would speak of her trauma extremely casually, almost as if it is her brains way of defending her from truly understanding it at first. she did not fester resentment against her parents in the way adaine did because she had only just begun to process the extent of abuse she had endured upon speaking to new people with different world-views. in any interaction she has with her parents after she begins to learn just who they really are, she holds back. while it is clear kristen is uncomfortable talking to them, as she now understands how little they truly care for her as kristen but rather as helio's chosen one, she doesn't talk back to them in the way that adaine does. she still tries to do "good", and this itself is a defensive mechanism that she had acquired and had unravelled through freshman, sophomore, and now junior year. this idea that she NEEDS to be saintly and good, at the risk of emotional, physical (as seen during the harvest festivals), and even DIVINE punishment.

while she may hold anger towards her parents, it is not as visible in her character as it is with adaine, and this could be attributed to how she had been conditioned into sainthood and respecting those in authority (and also the lack of conversations between her and her parents LOL hoping for more in junior year possibly...). kristen's parents let her leave easily, and they expect her to take their side upon returning to help them fight in family in flames. they are stubborn people who had raised kristen up into what they believe is a perfect, sinless prophet, and then were entirely dismissive upon her downfall when she fell from helio's grace, all because she was no longer the daughter they had practically forced her to be. this complete abandonment from the community and family that had loved her so dearly up until she started to act for herself is more than enough reason for kristen to become uncomfortable with being canonized. EVEN with gods she herself creates. she can not place herself in that position again if it means suffering another loss that huge. even if she understands that her parents were awful, she still GRIEVES them, and she still feels some sort of regret over "abandoning" her brothers in that household, as we see when she drops off a portion of her earnings to them.

adaine was raised to believe that she was a flaw, a stain on the family's name, somebody that would always be wrong and second tier simply by having a mental illness and for not allowing herself to give in to her parents. kristen was raised to believe that she was the saint of a community, a perfect human child whose purpose in life was to remain pure and sinless, somebody that should never give in to "temptation" at the risk of disappointing and losing the only support system she ever had. in a way they had both started out as the very traits their parents saw them for: adaine as the despondent and argumentative child who was "weak", and kristen as the compassionate child of god that would spread the word of helio to as many peers as she could reach. and now both kristen and adaine have to work to unravel that

i'll stop there just because this is already SO long, and honestly i could write a whole seperate essay on the depiction of gods as moldable in the eyes of their followers and how that relates to helio and kristen, but i'll refrain LMFAOO. anyways TLDR adaine and kristen are two characters from dysfunctional and abusive households who have adapted defensive mechanisms against their torment that they are still unraveling to this day. alright have a good one bye :]

[raxistaicho]

Fantasy Invader forgets whose paralogue is whose.

I couldn't help but bat out a quick post after I saw a truly incredible argument from Fantasy Invader.

I think there's one big, BIG indicator of how siding with Edelgard goes against Byleth's power. Their paralogue. They can't have their paralogue in the game if they side with Edelgard against Rhea.

He's obviously discussing Eternal Guardian, one of the few paralogues you lose access to by going into Crimson Flower rather than Silver Snow.

Eternal Guardian is not Byleth's paralogue, Fantasy Invader.

It's Rhea's. You have to gain support with Rhea to get it. You're invited to it indirectly by Rhea. It adds to the mystery of who Rhea is. If Byleth has a paralogue at all, it's Tales of the Red Canyon, which is about Byleth indirectly through Sothis.

And consider that said paralogue is unlocked through having a support level with Rhea, something the player needs to work at completely at their own direction

Yeah, kinda like how you have to build support level with Edelgard and work completely at your own direction to get into Crimson Flower :)

(I didn't even realize Rhea had supports until late White Clouds in my first playthrough, when the support had already locked),

Yeah, Rhea's supports are kinda pointless. Getting anything but C usually involves deluging her in gifts, though it got easier after she was given lost items and the option to have tea with her via DLC. I think it's very hard to get her C support purely though dialogue options. Now I'm interested in giving that a test...

and as a result the player is given a reward for it later on (a shield that has a constant regenerative effect).

Yes, because that's the true value of the Shield of Seiros. Not the small insignificant part where it halves incoming monster damage, which is very handy against the Immaculate One and the Hegemon Husk.

Christ, he's as ignorant on gameplay as he is on lore, incredible.

Side with Edelgard, however, Rhea takes that for herself to fight you.

I tried to steal it one time. You can't. T_T Ditto for the Ochain Shield.

Paralogues are tied to the characters, and Byleth's is one of three Black Eagle ones we lose when siding with the Empire.

How on earth would Eternal Guardian develop Byleth's character? It's not about Byleth!

Caspar's shows he's still pissed at the Death Knight for what he did during White Clouds, highlighting his sense of justice,

No it's not, The Face Beneath is mostly about Mercedes and Emile. Their relationship takes up most of the focus in both the introduction and closing cutscenes, and Caspar's only part is to protect her and criticize him for not being a good brother.

while Ferdinand's has him learn his father, someone he wanted to bring to justice himself, was framed for the actions of Arundel/Thales

Framed specifically for the destruction of Hrym territory. Edelcrits try to be slippery with this one and say Lysithea is saying he was innocent of all the things, but that's not what she says:

Are you aware of how Duke Aegir was ruling the Hrym territory? He imposed harsh taxes upon the people—much harsher than on his own—making their lives very challenging. People fled their homes in droves to the neighboring Ordelia territory. But they were sent back from where they came. The Empire was occupying Ordelia territory as well, as it turned out. Issues were further complicated when Duke Aegir fell from power. Aegir was dismissed from his position, only to be replaced by Lord Arundel.

Also, that's interesting, Duke Aegir was made governor of Hrym territory, which neighbored Ordelia, during the Imperial occupation of Ordelia territory. It's pretty easy to infer then that Aegir might have also been governor over Ordelia as well. Just a thought to nibble on.

Anyways, on to more of Lysithea's talk:

Correct. And [Arundel] imposed even heavier taxes on the people, squeezing them painfully dry. The people were conscripted for duty. Any who opposed were killed on the spot. Lord Arundel did this in the name of Duke Aegir. ... Your father was by no means a great ruler. But it was Lord Arundel who stoked the fury of the people and directed that fury at your father. Duke Aegir is not perfect, but he's not the villain in this.

"This" being the heavy taxes, conscription, and murders.

which also creates the implication for the player that Aegir was simply being blamed for the experiments (coupled with the fact Hubert reveals in Flower Ionius was Arundel's puppet) and not the monster Edelgard made him out to be.

Lysithea's speech implies nothing of the sort aside from the fact that Arundel used and discarded Aegir, like he does everyone.

And that's on top of the game showing the unrest in the Empire over Edelgard starving her people to fight in a war they don't support.

No, the unrest in Hrym was over Arundel's misrule. Amazing, Fantasy Invader's apparently watched that scene, but only took from it the points that he thought helped him.

Not at all a surprise, given who we're talking about.

Byleth's shows that the relationship between Byleth and Rhea is a key part of their character, hence why they're always worried about her in Snow, Wind and Moon. Choosing the options to side with Edelgard, framed by the game as "changing the story," goes against Byleth's story arc.

...Only if you develop said relationship. If they aren't at C support then it's skipped entirely. It's not integral to the game and you admitted yourself it's so missable that you couldn't unlock it yourself! Compare this to Edelgard's C support where you'd have to be trying to miss it.

Phew, it's not often that FI graces us with new theories, but when he does they're often amazing in all the wrong ways.

[brionysea]

Can you please expand more on #1 Mike wheeler (byers) protector Jonathan Byers?

my answer is very specific to certain theories that i hold very close to my heart, so i'll have to give a brief recap first. for context. just in case anyone who hasn't witnessed my insanity comes across this post

first: i think mike's been fighting vecna's attempts to possess him since the snow ball

second: i think the events of the show have been mike subconsciously bringing things to life

third: i think jonathan figured both of those things out in mid-to-late season 3, thanks to mike's subconscious knowledge of them subtly coming out in pieces of conversation, and jonathan's ability to pick up on subtleties like that

now, the thing you've gotta remember here is that the idea of "the source" and "the thing controlling everything" being the problem has been floating around the cast explicitly since season 2, and more subtly in the show's writing in general since season 1. it isn't as prominent in season 4, the one season where mike isn't in hawkins for people dealing with the upside down to make statements with suspicious double meanings around him

imagine that you're jonathan byers. you heard your girlfriend and her little brother agree that killing the thing controlling everything would be an undeniably good development months ago. now, it's summer, the world is ending again, you just barely got out of a disagreement with your girlfriend and almost died at the hands of a possessed person, like, yesterday, and now she's talking about killing the flayed and killing the source right in front of you while her little brother (and your little brother's best friend) is in the room — his awareness of being flayed and being the source currently an unknown. that's a lot of incentive to keep those revelations to yourself, isn't it?

the group that was in the cabin during this sequence of events turned on mike so easily over the tiniest thing, and not a single person stood up for him. if jonathan brought up either of his theories, a lot of things could happen. everyone could immediately turn on mike again. if that doesn't happen, mike could immediately start arguing to sacrifice himself to protect everyone else. there's really no good outcome to making that specific choice because it would inevitably endanger mike, especially since el is currently looking for the flayed and can't find them for mysterious reasons at the same time as mike is talking about how much he hates being spied on, and nancy is most likely planning on killing the flayed

so instead, el goes looking for the source in someone's mind, against mike's advice, and jonathan doesn't know what he's thinking or what she'll find. fortunately or unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with mike. then the monster finds them, just like they all knew would happen, and were somehow still surprised by

jonathan doesn't understand the specifics of what's happening. he doesn't know if the monsters can or will hurt mike. but mike is rushing into the middle of everything without a thought for his own safety

jonathan is a very protective person. jonathan would, has, and will go to hell and back for his little brother. jonathan has the increasingly rare ability to see mike wheeler as an innocent child who deserves help and protection, even if he's involved in the mess that their lives have become even more directly than anyone thought

the idea of mike dying has gone from abstract to real and solid, right in front of him, so when mike ends up slightly separated from the group and in grabbing range of the monster, jonathan pulls him back and makes sure he's got a hold of him and shields him from the threat right alongside will, because he's dedicated himself to protecting mike now, and this is the proof

then we have the byers moving to california. jonathan has a sister now. he's trying long distance with nancy, who he still hasn't told about mike. graduation and the idea of leaving home is just around the corner and approaching fast. and he's avoiding all of it, including what the hell he's going to do about mike wheeler, by getting high constantly

mike flies out for spring break, jonathan goes to pick him up from the airport, and he's immediately acting weird. he's dressed weird, he brushes will off, he ignores him, he upsets him. he doesn't seem like himself at all. the possession's still a factor, and for what's likely the first time, jonathan is there to witness it, if only briefly

that reminder, along with everything else weighing on him, freaks jonathan out. mike's presence has him thinking about how he can't leave his family because he hasn't solved the mike problem yet — he doesn't even understand it — so something else could feasibly happen. naturally, he gets high to stop thinking about things he has no immediate way of fixing

at dinner, mike keeps acting weird and upsets el, but jonathan's probably too out of it to really know what happened there until he has the time and sobriety to think about it a little later. mike mopes (glowers, really) at breakfast the next day, doesn't eat, and keeps uncharacteristically ignoring will to go off and upset el some more. then there's the mess of el getting arrested and kidnapped by the government, they find out that something is, in fact, happening in hawkins again, and mike gets super freaked out and in his own head about something

the house gets shot up by shady government people and jonathan once again keeps a hold of mike and physically shields him from danger, because he hasn't changed his stance on protecting him

the "making things happen" part of this whole conundrum becomes relevant again in the desert when mike understands the situation just a little too well. no one else would have thought that a pen that doesn't work would be hiding something inside it, and you can see jonathan thinking how weird it is that things match up so perfectly with how mike thinks. how quickly he realised the nina project was a computer probably set off alarm bells too

jonathan: maybe it's hidden in the code somehow? mike: what you just said makes no sense

i believe this dialogue from suzie's house was jonathan trying to feel mike out and see how much awareness he has of what's going on. evidently, not a lot, since all his warnings (of which there are many) seem to be a purely subconscious effort. mike, for some reason, doesn't know

then there's the van scene, where jonathan pieces together that will is in love with mike and finds out that will would, in his own words, fall apart if anything happened to him. no pressure, jonathan, but you're going to break your little brother's heart if you don't find mike a safe way out of this. good luck!

the possession acts up again in the pizza freezer for mike's monologue, because he likes it cold, so naturally mike's ability to fight back is lessened (but still present) compared to last summer. vecna was spying on el's progress through mike to make sure he got the timing right to come after max. jonathan is both physically and mentally present this time, and i think he grasps a big piece of what's going on because of this. specifically, the look on his face after mike says "she's fighting him," using someone else's name (like will used el's in the van, and like mike has done a lot to talk about this issue) to express that he's resisting vecna's influence

because mike was so removed from the action for season 4, the part where he's making things happen is still a bit of a mystery to jonathan. people like lucas will probably have to fill in the blanks. if i was writing that revelation, i would use mike being possessed (a familiar concept for the audience) as a lead-in to mike being the source. why did vecna choose mike? the predictable answer would be because it would hurt both el and will, but vecna's plans have much wider scope than that, and mike has always been more than a love interest. hurting people is a bonus, sure, but vecna does that no matter what. the reason he's doing it is to get control (or at least very strong influence) over what's happening

jonathan's goal undoubtedly still includes keeping mike safe. he promised to tell nancy everything, and i think el knows too (at least about the possession, but i wouldn't be surprised if she knew everything) and lucas suspects something, so it seems like, despite his intial hesitance, he's going to start by not keeping this to himself anymore. getting other people in on looking for a solution. he's clearly been floundering on his own, and it's unclear if mike has the time for that anymore

[esotericfaery]

Intimate Spiritual Diaries, 13: Tapping Into Ones Pure, Cosmic Alchemical Power

~~~

TLDR; I’m a “snob”, scholars & addicts, criminal fixed stars & more, why I get tired of people in general, the 6th, 8th & 12th Houses, everyone relates sometimes, hope of avoiding misunderstandings, & this is the core of each life-forms connection with the Divine.

If only more people would live naturally & consciously to be more like the Ascendant sign, this would contribute to causing the resolution and future lessening of many Sun (ego) mirroring off the Moon (emotions) patterns, which further complicate themselves as illustrated throughout the chart.

This is how working with Astrology promotes free will, not strict prognostication.

The Ascendant is the purest spark of Who creates each being, as we incarnate.

Uncovering the mysteries of the Ascendant causes recognition of the Divinity spark of the self, and that which is or had been buried in others.

The Ascendant is the spirit. The body drives the ego part of the human. This is why it's so important to not only regularly meditate, but ground, centre, and shield our energies from the chaotic emotion forms and thought forms of the masses.

But no, we often can't have that, because we get stuck in laziness (“thanks” trines). So then we ignore the lessons of Mars which are wise strategic actions, and react harshly towards ourselves & others. We allow ourselves to be distracted by the overly-luxurious Venus. We could work with other things, including specifically Venus for creative solutions.

The 6th House (and by association the 12th) in Astrology, form the axis where the everyday meets the esoteric.

This means, when in unawareness, constant subconscious-only attempts to process the forms of energy people expel in unawareness.

This functions as an un-oiled machine; a toroid which slows its spinning. Poor health in some form is a result, through the etheric layers of the body & thrown around dangerously also, inside the physical part of the body.

Everyone experiences what I described above at times in life, through transits involving either one of those houses, and transits involving their associated signs (Virgo & Pisces’) ruling planets, Chiron & Neptune.

Those of us who have developed and continue to develop the innate human ability for psychic skills, know this very well through our experiences, and have tools to protect ourselves, and transmute.

It’s constantly fatiguing though, to people like me, who have stuff like Sun, Moon, Saturn, Jupiter, Mercury, Juno, plus more asteroids and fixed stars than I want to lengthen this post with, conjunct in the 6th. I also have my Ascendent at the anaretic degree (the 12th House), which indicates presentation of lesson completion energy. Each house has lessons for us all to learn in life.

In recent years, I’ve been congratulated by my Ancestors for having completed the lessons of the 1st house. We all have lessons in each house. I have others to learn, and am determined to. Gratitude to my Ancestors and to my earth angel (incarnated people) friends and family for all of your help.

Those of us with prominent emphasis on both of those houses are often misunderstood as snobby, when we're naturally either scholarly, or become addicts. Many of us, including me, are as friendly as anyone else, if people aren’t impatient & overly judgemental. Both houses, for various reasons, are partly to deal with, and heal, how very real it is that we have to both resolve our own shadow work, and the shadows of everyone else around us who is in unawareness.

We don’t get tired and isolate because we think we’re better than the rest of you. We do it because we require such healing retreats.

One final note on me being misunderstood, & how there’s hope: The fixed star Unukalhai. It is known as the star which compels those with already-criminally-configured natal charts, to act on their dark desires. As with everything else in Astrology, as it’s in the skies, we all have it somewhere in our charts. My birth chart has it in the 8th House (Scorpio), conjunct Uranus (shock, unusual innovation).

They’re also in a stellium with these fixed stars: Alphecca (“lord of death”, indicates gifted Astrology access), Zubenelgenubi (wrongful accusations, obstructions, lack of forgiveness), & Zubeneschamali (high ambition, good fortune, loss through enemies leading to influential friends).

The Arabic Lot of Courage is also in that stellium.

As that’s all in the heavily transformative-pushing 8th House, people instinctively think that when I’m casually giving good advice they seem to be asking for, because it’s something that’s worked for me, I’m trying to “lord of death”, them, and they think that I have hidden (criminal) intentions. Multiple times, people in unawareness have said to me, even after years of friendship, stuff like, “I just feel a darkness in you. I can’t continue this friendship.” I used to try and understand why, but they couldn’t or wouldn’t ever explain it further. This has happened through dating, as I’m always the one getting ghosted. This situations don’t involve anything even resembling what anyone could consider an altercation.

It’s mind control, and people give in to it.

Aside from shoplifting as a kid, to distract myself from being bullied by most of the kids at my school, I don’t have criminal behaviours. I felt guilty for the shoplifting because as my parents correctly lectured me about why it was wrong, I stopped.

I’m tired of lazy, sometimes even perverted people dumping their 6th / 12th / 8th trash on me, and avoiding their own karmic responsibilities for their own shadow work. Even those who have somewhat aware lifestyles do this.

May everyone learn personal responsibility, the tools to do their own shadow work, and thrive.

[waheelawhisperer]

Dunno if this is the optimal time to post this, but I finally have time to write it and I generally hate seeing things sit in my drafts/inbox so I'm gonna knock it out anyway. Criticism of RWBY under the cut, so anyone who wants to avoid that can skip over it.

As much as I hate to sound like I'm agreeing with the idiots over at r/rwbycritics, I do think RWBY has a problem where it just... doesn't put in the work to get from A to B, the fans fill in the blanks with (often very well-thought-out and plausible) explanations and headcanons of their own, and then the community holds it up as an example of impeccable writing on the part of the show when it's the audience that's done the work the writers were supposed to do in the first place.

Like, I'm not saying the writing needs to spoonfeed us everything, but sometimes stuff needs to be acknowledged in-universe. We need to know that the characters are taking the same things into account and coming to the same conclusions as the audience.

The best example I can think of for this is the decision to steal a Manta from the Argus base in Volume 6. I think the intent is good and I get what they're going for - it's the standard "Young Adult protagonists rebel against corrupt/obstructive authority" plot we're used to seeing in YA media at this point - but I don't think the execution was very good. Specifically, I think it failed to establish the necessity of stealing the airship instead of any other alternative.

The other option critics usually pose is to send Weiss alone with Qrow, which is a stupid plan for a number of reasons. First, Weiss demonstrates a very real fear that the Atlesian military will return her to her father on multiple occasions. While she may just be paranoid, I don't think that's the right explanation. We know that Ironwood and Jacques have a close working relationship from Volumes 2 and 4 (Jacques describes Ironwood as a friend to the Schnee family and the Schnee Dust Company helped develop the Paladin), and we know that when Weiss ran away, she specifically sought Winter's protection, because her sister is one of the few people in the Atlesian military with both the incentive and influence to shield her from her father.

We also know that Jacques abused Weiss. We've seen him do it on screen and Weiss has talked about his treatment of her family multiple times. According to the critics, she should've just sucked it up and gone back to Atlas alone anyway, despite a whole story arc about escaping it and searching for her allies and family because she couldn't deal with Jacques alone, as if abuse is something easily conquered in five minutes because the greater good demands it, as if her fears that she'll be returned to his custody are baseless, as if her superior physical prowess is enough to keep her safe when her father exerts financial control over her, has an entire PR team and law firm at his disposal, and can afford to hire security personnel that can physically force Weiss to comply with his commands.

There's no guarantee that Weiss will get to Ironwood, which is why the critics want to stuff Crow Qrow in her suitcase and send him along. This sounds reasonable on the surface, since Qrow is both strong enough to protect Weiss and has enough of a relationship with General Ironwood to have a decent chance of getting Weiss in to see him (assuming him appearing out of nowhere doesn't freak the soldiers out and get them both arrested), but... Qrow is not reliable at the moment. Qrow is (understandably, given what he's recently learned) trying to drink himself to death and needs Ruby to yell at him before he stops being dead weight and starts actually contributing again. Sending him off alone with Weiss does little to guarantee that he'll actually do his part and carry out the mission instead of giving up or going off to raid Ironwood's liquor cabinet. Qrow is not a reliable asset at this stage of the story, and it's no coincidence that he's not an integral part of the plan the protagonists ultimately go with.

(This sounds a little unsympathetic to Qrow, I suppose, and I do feel for him. I'm just trying to make the point that from a purely pragmatic perspective, Qrow is not useful right now. He cannot be relied upon for anything essential.)

The problem is that none of this is addressed in the show. Cordovin shuts down the initial plan (asking for passage) and then we jump straight to stealing an airship. There's no attempt to come up with an alternative plan and only minimal pushback against a plan acknowledged as drastic and risky in-universe. The show doesn't adequately establish the sense of urgency that makes a measure like this necessary - we know the Relic of Knowledge attracts Grimm, but we don't know how strong that attraction is. From what we actually see in the show, it's not that big a deal (certainly not enough to justify rushing to Atlas at all speed) - from what we've seen, it attracts a Manticore pack to the Argus Limited, apparently an event common enough that the train has defenses installed and Huntsmen hired to protect it (and ordinary enough that no one thought it was particularly remarkable until Ozpin revealed that the Relic had attracted them); the Apathy kind of cluster around it (but they're already trapped in a confined space and don't do much of anything anyway); and the Leviathan and its flunky Grimm attack Argus (again, a common enough occurrence that Atlas has countermeasures in place to deal with it). The protagonists aren't constantly harried by Grimm as they cross Anima to reach Argus and we don't see evidence of abnormal Grimm presence around Argus once the group actually arrives, unless you count the Leviathan attack. No one ever explains in explicit detail how the Relic draws Grimm or what the strength or range of that attraction is. Nothing that we see on-screen manages to sell the necessity of moving as quickly as Ruby and her allies decide to.

So now that we've failed to establish the need to jump on the first half-baked plan that someone comes up with, we need to make the case that stealing an airship is the best available option, and that means we need a scene where alternatives are actually discussed. We need a scene where someone says "hey, what if we sent Weiss?". We need a scene where Weiss balks at the idea and points out that she barely escaped from her father the first time and Cordovin has already explicitly stated her intention to return her to her family and not the military. We need a scene where somebody suggests smuggling Qrow in Weiss's luggage and someone else (Ruby, perhaps) counters that by bringing up Qrow's near-constant inebriation and general unwillingness to be productive. Maybe Weiss volunteers, clearly reluctantly, to take the risk anyway, despite the fact that her father could exert control over her once she lands, because they desperately need to get the Lamp to Atlas. Maybe one of her teammates (I like Yang for this since she's the one with the protective instincts, but Ruby or Blake work just fine as well) responds by saying there's no way in hell they're sending her back to Atlas alone, just like Ruby did earlier. Maybe they even float another alternative and shoot it down. Regardless, we've actually done the work to establish that stealing an airship is the only, or at least the most viable, path left.

This isn't the only place where RWBY struggles with this concept. I was gonna talk about the wall conflict in Volume 7 and how we can easily come up with reasons why Robyn and the people of Mantle can't just casually plug the hole(s) in the wall but still needed to be shown that the people in-universe were aware of these reasons, but I'm too tired to make this post any longer. Maybe I'll do it later.

[cderiva]

——-—----— MARIA KATO ——------——

status: main, active, asks welcome, open for platonic and romantic dynamics

INDEX

development / inside her brain / visuals / memery / maria's phone

 

I. INTRO

FULL NAME:     Maria Kato

OCCUPATION:  Nurse, law school drop out (civilian verse), Aux. assistant at Jujutsu High (sorcerer verse)

AGE at present time: late 20s - early 30s 

DATE OF BIRTH: November 14th

HAIR/EYE COLOUR:  dark brown / dark  brown 

INTRO: Runt of the litter. Significantly younger than her siblings. Grew up in a semi remote area. Was a sickly child and nearly died twice - big atheist who takes life ( being alive + preserving life ) very seriously. Believes in living life to the fullest. Became a cool aunt at twelve. Is really good at finding joy in the mundane. Incredibly devoted. Compassionate, resilient, and more angry than you’d ever guess. Curious about everything all the time. Very creative when it comes to problem solving. Feels everything strongly. Touching grass isn't enough, she needs bad things to happen to powerful and horrible people. Thinks she's great at communication - kind of isn't. ADHD queen. 

 II. PHYSICALITY

— STATS

Dexterity 8/10 Stamina 6/10 Wits 7/10 Pain tolerance 8/10 Precision 8/10 Creativity 8/10 Initiative 7/10 Strength 5/10 Recovery 6/10 Speed 7/10 Teamwork 7/10 Perception 8/10

— FIGHT TECHNIQUE AND SKILLS: 

If she can't punch she'll scratch, if she can't scratch she'll kick, if she can't kick she'll bite, if she can't bite she'll use whatever's around to hit/distract/incapacitate, if nothing is available she'll smack her own head against the other person's. She's incredibly resourceful without any hesitation at all. Big "I might not be able to win but you will lose, or at least you'll walk away significantly worse" vibes. 

(sorcerer verse) Cursed technique :

obs: this woman has raging undiagnosed adhd - she doesn’t have a consistently solid grasp of techniques that aren’t basic, meaning she can do a lot, but the level of reliability of the technique isn’t consistent. Usually her CT works best if she’s in an extremely stressful situation, but it really depends on the context - I want to see her succeed and evolve just as much as I want to see her fail and mess up ya know.   obs2: this is a work in progress bc i'm lazy and don't want to think about logistics

Empathic Resonance allows Maria to become an emotional conduit, manipulating the feelings and intentions of those around her. + Relieves allies of negative emotions, feelings, or physical pain. + Can distur opponents' focus and strategies. + Empathic Perception Distortion - Maria can slightly distort the perception of others based on their current emotional state. For example, if an opponent is feeling fear, she can manipulate that fear into a specific visual or auditory hallucination. - The stability and effectiveness of Empathic Resonance depend heavily on Maria's own emotional state and intentions. - Has an extremely high energy cost, making prolonged use unsustainable without severe fatigue. - Absorbing negative emotions and feelings can have adverse effects on her own mental state. - Opponents with strong emotional control or who are great manipulators may resist or counteract her abilities, potentially using her own techniques against her. Soul Aegis grants Maria the ability to create barriers of cursed energy that protect against both physical and mental attacks. These barriers can absorb and reflect emotional energy. + Perceptual Shielding - barriers that Maria creates with Soul Aegis can be imbued with energy that bends light, sound, and even intent within the shielded area. + As long as Maria has a visual on her target, she can project her barriers over significant distances. + Since barriers can take any shape or size, Maria can shape them to take the shape of adversaries. Although they won’t be able to mimic the movements or attacks of adversaries, this can be used in training. + Can create supportive barriers around wounds and injuries, preventing the injury or wound from aggravating. - Creating and maintaining barriers is energy-intensive, leading to physical strain. - Creating and maintaining too many barriers at once lowers the stability of the barriers. - Creating and maintaining barriers is directly tied to her own stability.

— STYLE 

work style is: practical, comfortable, and formal. dark suit, white cotton shirt, burgundy tie ( she'll try different types of knots every once in a while ). if she gets to not wear the uniform, she'll stick to black or brown ( or checkered ) slacks and neutral-colored tops. hair is usually in a braid.

Will pretty much exclusively wear oversized clothes at home. Not fond of pjs, sleeps in a shirt or jumper depending on the weather. 

 Muted red lip is  the go to when she happens to wear makeup.

Knee-high boots and wrap dresses aficionado 

Has both ears pierced twice.

Wears two simple bracelets + a rubber band on her left wrist.

 II. PSYCHE

GENERALLY:  On a regular day, she is an approachable and lighthearted individual - she often naturally draws people to her and quickly inspires trust. Her demeanor is full of life but calm (and calmly assertive when needed), navigating her interactions with a genuine interest in others. She is known for: making people feel at ease, her expressive nature, willingness to help and assist, being a good conversationalist (she doesn’t feel like she is one though), being curious, and being casual.  She often serves as a source of comfort and understanding for those around her.

WHEN SAD:  When she’s sad, she tends to internalize her feelings, often downplaying them or attempting to work through it alone.  Even in moments of vulnerability where she acknowledges her distress,  she is quick to deflect or diminish its significance. This tendency can sometimes leave those perceptive enough to sense her unease, feeling inadequate or under the impression that she doesn't trust them enough. Despite her internal turmoil, when she is sad she actually engages far more with her hobbies and work, finding that being productive serves as both a distraction and a way to feel useful. This approach, while effective in keeping her mind occupied, can also serve as a barrier, preventing others from recognizing the depth of her sadness and offering support.

WHEN ANGRY:  She feels everything intensely, including anger. Over the years, she has learned to manage it better, often internalizing her fury to maintain a composed exterior (so if you're writing against younger Maria, expect her to be more impulsive with her words when she's angry). She becomes quieter and more withdrawn, not due to a lack of things to say, but because by now she knows that when she speaks in anger she can be impulsive and brutal, and it can lead to regrettable words or tones. Her responses become terse and clipped, with long pauses that let the silence stretch. Despite her efforts to keep her emotions in check, when she does express her anger, it can be startlingly intense, revealing deep-seated frustration and hurt that often catches others off guard. Prolonged suppression of her anger can result in sudden outbursts, which, though sometimes cathartic, can also be damaging. 

WHEN HAPPY:  She radiates an inner glow when she's happy. Her warmth and genuine smile light up her face, making her presence even more inviting. Her expressive nature comes to the fore as she engages with others in an open, caring manner. This heightened state of joy amplifies her natural charm, making her even more approachable and cherished by those around her. Sometimes she gets carried away and makes too many plans.

WHEN IN LOVE:  what your character is generally like when they are in love.

MOTIVATIONS:

Overcoming Personal Limitations 

Pursuit of Personal Growth 

‘There’s goodness in this world and it’s worth fighting for’ 

To live a fulfilling life 

‘There is no afterlife, there is only the here and now and life is what you make of it.’ 

BLIND SPOTS:

Effortlessly holding things in and then when she snaps it’s ugly - very ugly  

Impatient with herself 

Anxious perfectionist to the point of not doing anything because she can’t do anything unless she’s great at it 

Shame & Pride intertwined 

Hypocrisy - great at giving advice, most times, horrible at following her own.

MINOR GOALS/AMBITIONS/DESIRES:

Travel outside of Japan 

Travelling by plane even though just thinking about it makes her anxious

Adopt a pet 

A family of her own - maybe? Maybe not? She doesn’t know anymore

Never having money be a problem

Feeling worthy

(sorcerer verse) Stop being a grade 3

ACHILLES HEEL:

Family 

Shame 

Hypocrisy 

Has grappled with the perception of her own intelligence, habitually downplays it  with a playful, self-deprecating demeanour.  

Jealousy / inferiority complex 

FEARS / PHOBIAS:  

//  not super fond of heights  // loss of motor functions // cramped spaces with little to no ventilation   // (sorcerer verse)  her hair being yanked (it’s something cursed spirits did to her when she was younger) // (sorcerer verse) complete darkness //  

 III. BIOGRAPHY

CIVILIAN VERSE TLDR: This is actually my most developed verse but I don’t want to yap too much because at the end of the day I’m super flexible. Basically, everything you’ll read below but remove the elements related to sorcery: was an oops baby, grew up in a remote area, was a sickly but spirited child, moved to Tokyo with a friend, has a complicated relationship with her family but loves them dearly anyway, dropped out of law school, was aimless for a while, felt like a loser failure, started med school, got officially diagnosed with adhd in her late 20s, feels like she’s behind on everything in life and is still figuring out a lot.

SORCERER VERSE TLDR: grew up in a remote area so she didn't realise she didn't just have a very active imagination / was very mentally ill (she did start seeing medical specialists and taking medication at an early age and she was in a psych hospital briefly at some point) until she was in her teens. doesn't hate being a sorcerer, doesn't resent it either: she was probably so lost in life when she was recruited that she actually found a lot of purpose in sorcery. Honestly the reason why she’s not grade 2 or 1 is primarily because she has raging undiagnosed adhd which makes it very difficult to maintain the focus both her curse techniques require - she is extremely good in high-stress situations though, shockingly so for many, the adrenaline discharge and all the dopamine pumping in the brain … phew! she’s remarkable.

Early years

She was an oops! baby - when she was born her parents were in their late 30s/early 40s. They didn’t expect to have ( didn't want ) any more children. When she was born, the youngest child in the family was six years old and the oldest seventeen.

Her family is close-knit ish, but she always felt disconnected from her siblings due to their age differences (+ her “mental health condition”) . Growing up they always seemed to be on different stages of their lives with different levels of patience and compassion. The reality is that she was somewhat neglected as a child.

She has always grappled with a profound sense of guilt and a persistent feeling of being an inadvertent burden that she can’t quite explain or articulate.  

Teenagerhood 

She often felt compelled to take on adult-like responsibilities or emotional roles within the family structure to alleviate / make up for perceived burdens. Add to this the fact  that she became an aunt for the first time at like 11.

Was both responsible and irresponsible at the same time. Responsible with others, irresponsible with matters related to herself. Tried to make herself as chill and as little of an inconvenience as possible…. But she couldn’t help herself sometimes.  She couldn’t help doing or saying things. Felt guilty after. Told herself not to feel guilty because life is short and needs to be enjoyed. Stopped feeling guilty. Remembered that she shouldn’t add more stress in any way shape or form to her parents. Started feeling guilty again. 

She got recruited at around 15 and it was adjustment, to say the least. 

(how she got recruited? Huhhhhhhh maybe a grandparent or great-grandparent was a sorcerer? Or she’s the first one in her family. Idk, still developing this part).

(also, lots of messy traumatic things related to cursed spirits happened in her teenage years, which was perceived as her mental disorder acting up.)

Sorcery

She had always wanted to live somewhere completely different, somewhere big, somewhere with a lot of life… and then she got there, and she was miserable. Firstly because she simply wasn’t used to the amount of cursed spirits present in cities, secondly because she left everything she knew behind, thirdly because she was easing off medication (since, ya know, apparently she doesn’t have a mental health disorder)... and the list goes on. 

The whole thing was horribly painful for her because she’s someone who thrives off meaningful relationships and she was very sociable and outgoing when she was younger - being sociable in Kyoto felt like a minefield.  

She’d see the things her friends from back at home posted on social media and feel like she was being swallowed by a black hole. 

She wanted to just fuck off back home almost every day. But at the same time, she wanted to prove herself. And besides the truth is that she was terrified but also curious - she had no idea what she was going to do with her life before she got recruited, so jujutsu gave her a purpose even if it also brought on a lot of frustations.

Adulthood 

Deep down she knows - she thinks she knows - she’s capable of more, being grade 3 feels horribly humiliating to her, but she struggles with consistently keeping her techniques under control. 

Is usually ridiculous early for pick ups, and the only reason for that is because she's scared she'll be late, and since she seems incapable of arriving on time most times she'd rather be ridiculously early and just sit in the car like a loser and text/call the person she’s picking up at the agreed time on the dot. this only applies to scheduled pick-ups - when it comes to impromptu ones she’s super fast and even arrives before the predicted ETA.

She’s an attentive assistant, even if she looks a bit distracted sometimes - she observers the people she drives and quickly adapts to what they like (if they like to chat, she’ll chat; if they like to listen to music she’ll put on music they like; if they like quiet she’ll be quiet; if they like a certain drink, she’ll have it ready in the car, etc etc. she always has wipes  and water and towels in the back of the car in case the sorcerers want to compose themselves a little on the ride back from missions). 

Constantly anxious about losing her job.

VI. MISC INFORMATION:

As a student, despite pouring countless hours into studying, she found herself unable to maintain focus or retain information and often ended up resorting to physical means of self-discipline (would pinch or smack herself, even adopted the terrible habit of wearing an rubber band around her wrist, snapping it against her skin whenever her concentration wavered or mistakes piled up - she stills wears an rubber band today but she wears a light one next to two bracelets so it’s easy to miss)

Loves sudoku and puzzle games.

Extremely curious about everything. The type of person who reads random wiki pages just because.

Constantly trying new hobbies - enjoys trying new things in general, so long as they don’t impact her day-to-day life  / routine and comfort. 

Copes very poorly with unfairness. She’s usually relaxed and level-headed but unfairness and disloyalty are probably the only times where she becomes almost irrational.  

Sometimes kindness and patience will not work with her. Sometimes she needs a bit of a corrective shock to the system because it’s the only way to make her brain stop. Not cruelty or meanness, but straightforward firmness - a jolt of clarity and focus amid the chaos of her thoughts, anything that feels solid and cuts through the noise and provides her with the clarity and focus needed to regain control of her thoughts and emotions OR guide her towards achieving it.

[lollytea]

No need to apologise for the derailing loved reading all of it (and as person who tends follow a stream of thoughts i relate)

When it comes to shipping in every fandom the characters / dynamics tend to be simplified for the convince (and bc id be hard to whip out a whole essay about in and out s of their relationship everytime you wanna make a silly joke, but it tends to be so widely and often used that it makes me sometimes think "wait you don t really think that they would act like that right?"But that s something that s just gonna happen ig and who am i to police ppl on jokes🤷

Loved the insignt about his military upbringing and automantically analysing ppl s strenght which i haven t though about but very much agree.

Althought i also think that beside willows powers she has proved to be quite fearless (let s overlook ladybugs / j) especially in front of Hunter where she stood up to Darius and was ready to protect EE with her body. She knew she was gonna lose and that she s weaker than the coven head but that didn t stop her. That s one of the reasons (i think) Hunter recognised fake willow so soon. Because real willow regardless if she s stronger or not overlooks the dangers and focuses on doing everything to save her friends.

And willow + gus being Hunters safe space is so dear to me it s honestly ridiculous

Hopefully after some time in nocedas household he ll have time to relax/heal and be a lil snarky maybe in a form of sibling like banter with luz?

//and back to willow and her strenght there s this hc i have about beta willow. That althought beta universe is way more dangerous/bloody i like to think willow wasn t that much violent there? But unhinged for sure, using plants attacks and refusing to "unspell" them after fight (they are her beloved plants and she s not heartless enough to make them disappear just after bringing them to life) leaving those dangerous creatures (but before the battle she always thinks what kind of flowers would grow the best in this climate/soil etc)

(was the last addition totally off the topic? ... perhaps Is this ask a mess? Very much yes. Sorry!)

I'm happy you liked it!! I appreciate when other people whose thoughts are similarly many but disorganised see my stuff and are like "yeah me too man."

And yeah whenever I make a silly little joke about Huntlow that's not entirely a reflection of how I really see them I always think about that one post that's like "oh no they're gonna think I don't understand themes and narratives!!" But like. I have several essays I can whip out if anyone questions me about it. I am very easily coaxed into writing huntlow essays. Practically dying to at all times. All somebody's gotta do is bring up a specific topic of discussion and their own opinion to get me started and I'll go off the rails.

Willow is SO brave man. And I like to believe that it's character development, going by season 1 where she went into denial over stepping on bones. I think the Eda petrification thing really changed her brain chemistry into understanding that the world they lived in was corrupt and you either gotta learn to protect or get protected.

She's still just a kid tho. You KNOW that deep down she was probably terrified during her confrontation with Darius, especially after it was demonstrated that she was way WAY outmatched in this fight and she hadnt a chance of winning. But she did it anyway because her friends' lives were at stake and somebody had to fight for them. Man Willow is SO cool.

(Something kinda tragic about her eventually giving up and throwing her arms out to shield them and shutting her eyes tight. She thinks she's gonna die protecting them. And it's noble. It really is. But we gotta remember that she blames herself for all of them being in this mess.)

I love this scene a lot because like both the "half-a witch" admissions from earlier, it's a moment between Willow and Hunter where they realize "Oh. You're like me."

They're both brave to a recklessly suicidal extent. They're protectors. They're self sacrificial.

Hunter sees her bravery in this scene and he understands it completely. She was prepared to handle this herself and lose in the process and he begs her to please just let him do it for her. His tone of his voice, the intense eye contact, his use of "Captain" and his plea? He knew she wasn't going to run away unless he begged. It wasn't the kind of person she was.

Hes known her for a DAY!!! But he gets it!!! He fucking gets her!!!!

Of COURSE this was one of the many reasons he realized LR Willow was a fake. After this girl pulled some shit like THAT there is no way she's getting spooked by illusions.

I know Hunter's gonna have some rough times in season 3 but I also know he's not just gonna be angsting the whole time. He's too funny. As much as the crew loves putting him through shit, they also clearly love him in comedic situations. They love Hunter man. You can clearly tell. He's gonna be so snarky he's gonna be so annoying. Hes gonna argue with Luz and probably Gus and maybe even Amity. It's gonna be great.

I'm so excited for s3 Luz and Hunter dynamic. It's coming I know it is. Its gonna be big and everything I ever wanted. Its so interesting to me how, besides Flapjack, Luz is the character Hunter has been the most comfortable around. They just have something special man. They're gonna have their snarky snippy little bickering, I know they will.

Beta stuff isn't really a thing I'm all that interested in. I'm happy people have their fun with the designs and coming up with lore and headcanons for those versions of the characters and the lore but I'm so attached to the canon interpretations that I can't really get invested. But I do love this!! Even in canon itself, I'd love to see Willow be the kind of person who dotes and fawns over her horrifying poison mucus spraying briars or whatever other plants her creatively unhinged little brain conjures up. Like they're her BABIES!!! It makes people uncomfortable but Willow is just so sweet that they don't have the heart to tell her to get rid of them.

[ashesandhackles]

Harry And Personal Conflict: A Meta On Evolving Dynamic With Ron and Hermione

One of my last metas on Harry was how his abuse at the Dursleys informed who he is as a person and a lot of his main personality traits. This time, I want to explore Harry's relationship with conflict, mostly in regard to his best friends - Ron and Hermione.

First things first, because of his abusive upbringing where he is constantly in conflict with his caregivers, conflict is seen as Bad Thing when we first meet him as a 11 year old. And it informs how he reacts to both Ron and Hermione at first. He instantly relates to Ron because Ron is an underdog - a boy who feels neglected and passed over in his large and boisterous family. Harry shares his own experience of neglect with Ron and they both bond instantly.

His initial impression of Hermione is that she has a "bossy sort of voice" . The bossiness is an important characterstic to his impression of her - she reminds him of an authority figure and he does not particularly take to her as easily as he does Ron. Before the troll incident, he is frequently annoyed by her interventions because "he can't believe anyone would be so interfering". It's her vulnerability and the fact that she may be in danger that makes Harry, and by extension Ron, go after her. And she pays it back in full with a demonstration of loyalty to them in front of people she wants to impress: teachers. This sets the tone of his friendship with Ron and Hermione.

There is sense of easiness to his friendship with Ron, especially in earlier books that he doesn't quite share with Hermione. This is a bit gendered as well, of course. His relationship with Hermione evolves as Ron's own equation with two of them changes, more specifically Ron's cognisance of his romantic feelings for Hermione. So how does this inform his relationship with personal conflict?

Let's look at it Book wise.

Book 1-4: Since Harry tends to see All Conflict As Bad, when Hermione becomes his friend, he tends to ignore traits of her that he particularly doesn't take to. Specifically her argumentativeness - which he usually leaves Ron to deal with. For example, look at when Hermione drags him off to the kitchens in GOF. When he realises what this is about, he nudges Ron, and Ron does the protesting: "Hermione, you are trying to rope us into that spew stuff again!".

Often, you can say he is amused by Ron's more ..let's say colourful.. reactions to Hermione being overbearing. So when Ron and him are not speaking and Hermione gets a Quidditch term wrong, it causes him "a pang to imagine Ron's expression of he could have heard Hermione talking about Wonky Faints". It's that deeply ingrained into the dynamic.

While Ron acts buffer and protects Harry from stepping into a potential conflict ("skip the lecture", "don't nag" he tells her), Harry's world view remains quite the same. Part of Harry's growing up is integrating conflicting points of view and gaining nuance. For example, he can't understand why someone like Snape, who seems to hate him so much, can also save his life at the end of Philosopher's Stone. This is his first venture into trying to integrate two conflicting things about a person into nuance. Dumbledore gives him a very easily digestible story, one that appeals to his ideal of his father and Harry is sated.

Again, Harry's world view is tested when he finds out that he relates with Tom Riddle - for their "strange likenesses". He doth protest too much at Dumbledore's office: "I don't think I am like him! I am Gryffindor!". And Dumbledore offers him a wisdom nugget: "It's our choices which define who we are" (paraphrasing). Harry is uncomfortable that he empathises with Tom Riddle, his parents' murderer, at this point in the story.

In the first four books, his only proper personal conflict has been with Ron.

It is depressing to think about in these terms - but Ron is Harry's first experience of unconditional love (we can even put Hagrid here, but he is not the one who spends most time with Harry). And when Ron and him fight, Harry is so hurt by the prospect that he proceeds to abandon Ron before Ron abandons him. (the whole chucking a "Potter stinks" badge at him and making a jab about having a scar is what he wants, or the fight in DH where he yells "then leave! Pretend you have gotten over your spattergoit and have your mummy feed you up"). It's an interesting defense mechanism and he feels "corrosive hatred" towards Ron during these times because Ron and him aren't supposed to be like this. Ron is a certainty in his life. It's also why when Ron comes back, Harry either doesn't need him to apologise (as in GOF) or quickly forgives him in DH - although I do think Harry thinks the locket bit was punishment enough. But even without the whole locket, I think Harry has trouble holding Ron accountable in general beyond few slaps on the wrist - especially if Ron and he are on good terms.

5th Book: This is the transition point for Golden Trio friendship. Harry has come back from an immensely traumatising night at the graveyard and his PTSD isolates him from his best friends. This is also the point where Ron, especially after GOF, is aware of his romantic feelings for Hermione ("the perfume is unusual Ron", Hermione tells him in this book). So in this book, we often see Ron and Hermione on one side, with Harry on the other.

Ron is unwilling (quite like Harry in that respect) to engage him in a direct conflict, but he is also unwilling to shield him from Hermione's nagging in this book. This is why, OOTP is the book where you see Harry ignore or avoid Hermione and lie to her more than usual to avoid conflict. For example, he tells her that Snape thinks he can carry on Occlumency once he got the basics - that is categorically not what happened. Or the entire day he spends ignoring Hermione's warnings about breaking into Umbridge's office. (The description here is comical - about Hermione vehemently hissing so much that Seamus Finnigan is checking his cauldron for leaks. ) If he cannot lie to her or avoid her, at the end of the rope, he will treat her to display of his frightening temper.

Interestingly, OOTP is also the book that his world view goes through a tremendous upheaval: mainly, his ideal of his father and having empathy for Snape. It is unnerving for Harry to see Snape being the "boy who cried in the corner" when his father shouts at a cowering woman. Similarly unnerving is that his intense empathy for him - "he knew exactly what Snape felt when his father taunted him and judging by what he had seen, his father was every bit as arrogant as Snape always told him".

While he is placated that his father grew out of it, this memory of his father being a bully is something he cannot bear to watch again in DH. Few chapters later, he grins at Ron "sweeping his hair" back to make it look more windswept, just like his father - suggesting that Harry is beginning to integrate two conflicting things he knew about his father: from the people who loved him vs the people he was cruel to.

6th Book onwards: It's interesting to me that his better appreciation for Hermione comes after OOTP (one, because she is the one who challenged the whole Ministry plan and she followed him into a trap knowing it was one anyway) but also the timing of it is in line with Harry having a more nuanced understanding of his father. He struggled to hold conflicting information about him into one cohesive person - the boy who was a bully vs the man who joins Order of Phoenix to fight a war he could very well have sat out. The pedestal crashing helped Harry gain nuance (he thinks of his father and mother with pride in HBP - of them walking into an arena with head held high). HBP also sets up his deeper understanding with Snape in DH. There is lovely meta by about this by thedreamersmusing. Read it here. HBP is also the book he feels "sorry" for Voldemort and also feels "reluctant admiration" for him - both of things he is less defensive about.

And this nuance informs his relationship with conflicts - especially the kind he has with Hermione. He is more confrontational with her and does not lie or sneak around her as much as he did in OOTP in the Half Blood Prince. ("Finished? Or do you want to see if it does back flips?" He asks her when she takes the book from him to check if it's jinxed. Or the "I hope you enjoy yourself" he calls out irritably when she declares intention to find out who HBP is. And "do you want to rub it in Hermione? How do you think I feel now?" He tells her when she says she was right about HBP).

The fact that he is willing to be confrontational with her is a big step in his character - a step up from his unregulated outbursts in OOTP, which is a function of him not knowing how to put his anger across in normal ways. He is also more willing to stand up for her in front of Ron too - "You could say sorry" he tells Ron bluntly. This is in contrast to his more quiet standing up for her in POA: "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked him quietly. In POA, he lets the subject drop after Ron flatly refuses. Here, he presses on more : "What did you have to imitate her for?" "She laughed at moustache!" "So did I, it's the stupidest thing I have ever seen".

His relationship with Ron is an interesting contrast to his relationship with Hermione, which functionally teaches a very important lesson for an abused child who thought all conflicts are bad: That his friendship with her is challenging, and frustrating, filled with conflicts but their love for each other isn't disputed. It's a very important thing for brain development in general - to hold conflicting information in one space. The defense mechanism abused children do to avoid this is called splitting.

So, Ron allows Harry to be the age he is: a teenager and it's foundation for his further development, and Hermione teaches him how to be an adult, and therefore, spurs his growth. (In esoteric terms, if you look at Ron and Hermione as proxy parents - Ron is the Mother archetype, the one who offers unconditional love. Hermione is the Father archetype - one who demands best of him, and guides him).

Additional reading: Harry, Prongs and Prince - Harry's Inner Struggles For Forging An Identity. By u/metametatron4

Harry Identifies, and Reluctantly Admires Snape Even Before The Prince's Tale by thedreamersmusing

[cosmicjoke]

My man erwin smith was a menace. He surely wouldn’t have agreed with eren and his plan to destroy the world and he would have come up with a new strategy but still we need to keep him and his actions accountable. He send who knows how many teenagers to die for his dream so I don’t really think he was that good of a man or at the least I don’t think he cared for humanity in specific he just wanted to prove himself that his father’s death was worth it. Love his character and his importance in the plot and it would’ve been so interesting seeing his development later in the manga and remember that maybe floch’s nationalistic ideals and the yeagerist group wouldn’t even exist but who knows? I also wonder what would’ve happened to eren if that day armin had died. Everything about erwin was so impactful, I still miss him so much.

Erwin definitely had some dubious qualities, but I wouldn't call him a bad person at all. The fact he felt so much genuine guilt and remorse for his actions is proof of his humanity. That's not to say he didn't do some bad things. Though whenever people bring up that he "sent so many teenagers to their deaths", I think they're forgetting that all of those teenager's signed up for it. They knew what they were getting in to when they joined the SC, they knew the mortality rates, they knew how dangerous it was. Erwin didn't force them to join. Interestingly, and tragically, I think the worst thing Erwin ever did, was what he did to Levi and his friends. As dedicated to the cause of saving humanity as Levi is, he's the only scout that was literally forced to join, pressed into service under threat of death. Erwin manipulated Levi and his friends from the very start, was in fact the very architect of the entire affair with Lobov hiring them as assassins, specifically so he could get them into the SC and so he could implicate Lobov in a crime, and though he didn't intend for it to happen, still, Erwin was indirectly responsible then for the deaths of Furlan and Isabel. If they'd been left alone, they would likely still be alive. And of course, Erwin, especially near the end, showed he was willing to act in ways which weren't necessarily to the benefit of humanity, with the coup, and then, later, his insistence of joining the expedition to retake Wall Maria, despite Levi's warnings and insistence that he not. Certainly, deep down, he placed his own, personal dream above the cause for humanity. But he also was a good leader because he found ways to advance both causes, and for the vast majority of his time as Commander, he acted and made decisions which helped the people behind the walls. He was able to balance both his duty and his personal goals, and indeed was a brilliant strategist and visionary. When he started to fall apart at the end, overcome with grief and guilt, that's when things started to come undone for him a little. I always think it's funny that people fail to consider this when they claim Levi made the wrong choice in reviving Armin and not Erwin, acting as if all of Paradis' problems would have been solved if Erwin was around. Erwin was having a mental breakdown when he died. He was drowning in guilt and self-loathing because he was no longer able to delude himself over the reasons he was fighting, and Levi could see that once Erwin did find what was in that basement, once he'd fulfilled his dream of discovering the truth beyond the walls, he would no longer have that dream to act as a shield against his many demons. To just assume Erwin would have been able to carry on and remain the same, effective leader he had been up to that point is, I think, underestimating just how wrecked Erwin's mental and emotional state was at that point, and how much more wrecked it would have become once he no longer had his dream to protect him from his feelings of guilt. Erwin flatly admits to Levi that he often thought it would be easier for him to die, but the allure of his dream managed to keep him going. Once you took that away, though, there would be nothing to keep that death wish at bay.

[butwhatifidothis]

Edelgard is not a villain she is morally grey no different from dimitri and claude edelgard unlike rhea was quite willing to let go of power ( note that in routes where dimitri doesn’t have byleth he falls to his flaws same applies to edelgard and how she had to work more with the slitherers who she had no choice to work with given the power they had in kingdom note Cyril didn’t even know how to read when rhea has a school or abyss The whole she has to be a villain because empire 1/2

Is bs edelgard empire were meant to come off as antagonistic in most part that is not the same as as being villains just like Claude and dimitri aren’t villains in cf route. Edelgard is morally grey. 2/2

"Edelgard is not a villain she is morally grey no different from dimitri and claude"

Ah. No different? Not even a little different? What's all this then?

Then you go over to post ts with the following:

Dimitri: *takes fight away from the capital in order to protect it*

Claude: *gets angry at the idea of running away from the people he's supposed to protect (and then goes on to protect them)*

Edelgard: *uses her people as human shields*

From just those two things, I think it can very safely be said that Edelgard is extremely different than Dimitri and Claude. Like, hilariously different. Diametrically different.

"edelgard unlike rhea was quite willing to let go of power"

Edelgard is willing to let go of power in... two endings. Both times in her later years. With another ending, her one with Lysithea, literally saying that she spends the rest of her life ruling. Meanwhile, Rhea's literal entire goal was to act as a stand-in for Sothis - from the word go, she planned on giving up her power. In AM, she leaves all power she had behind and chills out with Catherine in Zanado. Rhea readily lets go of power lmao

"note that in routes where dimitri doesn’t have byleth he falls to his flaws same applies to edelgard and how she had to work more with the slitherers who she had no choice to work with given the power they had in kingdom"

Does Dimitri ever work with murderers? People who conduct cruel human experimentation? Kidnappers? Torturers? When you say "he falls to his flaws" you are talking about how he leads a self-destructive life that ultimately kills him, right? And not him willfully working with the people going out of their way to kill as many people as they can? Because right off the bat, that is something that immediately puts Dimitri on a higher moral standing than Edelgard. Even at his absolute worst, Dimitri never sides with anything so blatantly evil and unjust as TWS, unlike Edelgard.

But even then, that's assuming that they are the same in this regard. They aren't. Because Edelgard will still continue to work with TWS even on CF. And it's on CF where the player learns that yes, Edelgard quite literally had a choice in siding with TWS. She might not have liked the choice, but it's one she chose to make regardless, and she made it because she wants to rule all of Fodlan by eliminating Leicester, Faerghus, and the Church. That is her main goal throughout the entire route that does not change at any point, unlike Dimitri's route that has him change his goal from vengeance to saving the people.

Also, Edelgard willingly gives her best men to TWS, lets them acquire Relics, lies for them, and uses their weapons... all on CF. With the exception of the first link, these are all specifically in post ts CF. These things which she never owns up to and never grows out of. Is that also similar to Dimitri?

"note Cyril didn’t even know how to read when rhea has a school or abyss"

HE LITERALLY NEVER TOLD ANYONE BUT LYSITHEA THAT HE COULDN'T READ!! NO ONE KNOWS HE CAN'T READ!! HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT HE CAN'T READ!!

How on earth is this Rhea's fault? How can she possibly be responsible for something she didn't know was a problem? And since this exact thing has been brought up to a buddy of mine a few times I'll ask the same question they do: Is Shamir also a bad person for never teaching Cyril how to read? Despite him being under her care?

"The whole she has to be a villain because empire Is bs edelgard empire were meant to come off as antagonistic in most part that is not the same as as being villains just like Claude and dimitri aren’t villains in cf route. Edelgard is morally grey"

The developers themselves, emphasis mine: "I think most of the characters walking the path of conquest up until now have been men. I also think villains are often men… I wanted to do something unexpected, or make it harder to predict future events, so  that role went to a woman this time"

Edelgard is literally called the villain. Directly. By her creators. Since apparently all of the posts and hoops and flips and links I've constantly vomited on this blog about her obviously villainous actions and beliefs since nearly the creation of the blog apparently isn't convincing enough of an argument for Edelgard's blatant villain status, here are the literal words of the people who literally created her saying that she. Is. A. Villain.

I mean, this still won't be enough, but god fuckin' dammit man, how hard does the sledgehammer have to slam down on the player for it to be clear that Edelgard isn't exactly the nicest person around?

[the-obelisk]

Source - Fae Collection

Loki x Reader

Summary: The one where he helps you to channel your powers with patience, while pissing off Tony Stark in the process 

You felt utterly useless. 

Here you were, standing in front of Earth’s mightiest heroes unable to conjure up your magic like many of your cousins had with ease as children. 

Magic, for you, never came easy.

When you had left your realm that floated right above earth’s visible plane, you fell in love with the mundane and the ordinary. You found beauty in the ease of things and small bursts of excitement because humans only remained on their plane for a short lived while, while you would age among various generations of humankind slowly. 

When Thor had found you seated in a SHIELD interrogation room, eyes closed simply breathing deeply, he looked to Coulson-- a high ranking agent at the time. “How long has she been indoors?” 

The man shrugged his shoulders, “About a month or so. She refused at first and then they stopped asking.” 

“She is of Fae. Her people are connected to nature. She has lost her energy.”

Thor was cleared to bring you to the Avengers compound where you met the rest of the team. They welcomed you but you had seemed to lose the small amount of practice you had accumulated before your time of confinement. 

Your powers were bounded at birth in protection from the dark elves that reigned terror on Alfheim now, it was why you were sent to the invisible plane above Midgard. Outcasts, refugees, and runaways— your history was erased. With that, hope was lost and the understanding of why your power were bounded remained unknown. 

“Wanda, I don’t think I can do it.” 

The redheaded was enlisted by Tony to help mentor you. It had seemed Wanda and you shared one common trait, the ability to tap into others minds. It was something that came of ease for you, however, they already had a mind reader, a witch with the ability of telepathy, they wouldn’t need you. 

“Yes, you can. Feel your energy. Where is the source?” Her voice was calm but you were growing increasingly frustrated. 

Tony, Steve, Natasha, Thor and Loki stood watching as Sam and Bucky waited for Rhodey to return with their snacks. Clearly it had been forever, and they were growing impatient. Thor every so often would give you an encouraging nod. He believed in you. 

In a way they all did, but in that moment you didn’t feel it. Or specifically, hear that. 

“How long is she going to take? I should start my training.” 

“I have dinner with Pepper at 5. She’s gonna kick my ass if I hold her up.”

You closed your eyes again but knew you had no idea what source she was even talking about. All you felt was annoyed, tired of standing, and hungry.

Sensing this, Loki rolled his eyes and glided over to you, passing Wanda who stood off to the side of you. Tony and Steve immediately tensed up at the quick movement, while Rhodey entered at the moment already suspicious of why Steve’s fist was clenched. Thor looked over and spoke in a low voice, “Trust him. I think he may have an idea.” 

Natasha rolled her eyes and offered him a pointed look, “Let’s hope it isn’t anything harmful.” 

Loki smiled softly at you, “You feel no source, do you?” 

You bit your lip and looked down, “No.” You looked at Wanda and shrugged, “I’m sorry. Maybe I just don’t have anything else to offer other than telepathy.” 

The raven-haired man bowed his head catching your eyes, “But you do. I can feel it.” You looked up at him with questioning eyes only to see he had turned around and stared at Tony and Steve, “If you had let me help her originally, you would know that unlike the witch, her power isn’t sourced in her, it is in nature.” 

“Well, how do you expect us to trust you, Reindeer Games? You are here because Thor gave us his word that you meant no harm.”

Loki rolled his eyes. He never cared what Tony Stark’s perceptions were of him. He turned back to look at you and caught your eye, “Do you trust me?” 

You looked into his eyes and nodded. Of course you did.

While you both never spent time together in front of the other members on account that Loki always hid in the library. So when you weren’t buzzing around the building, and walked in to see him sitting in his usual chair— you would smile and begin talking.

Many times for extended hours, and with the exception of a few nights, your conversation often remained light.

But there were nights when vulnerability would seep in. And so, a blossoming interest in one another and a friendship developed in the quietness of late night conversations in your library.

“Very well.” He smirked and looked back at the group, “Being surrounded by this Midgardian garbage of concrete and rubber mats will do nothing for her. We shall take this outside.” 

Tony glared daggers into Loki’s head as the group followed Loki and you to the courtyard. “Midgardian trash? This cost me a fortune. What the hell is he talking ab--” 

You pushed his thoughts out as he projected them loudly. You giggled softly, Loki had looked down at you while holding the door. “You heard it too. Glad you find his anger equally as comical as I do.” 

“I don’t think he will let that one go.” 

“Good, I hope not.”

Loki smirked at you as you walked on the grass. He stopped soon after, and you followed. The rest of the group stopped at a distance. Wanda joined the spot next to Natasha and Thor, they all watched intently. 

You looked at all of them until you heard Loki call your name softly. “Y/N, focus on me.” You met his eyes and inhaled deeply before nodding. “Sorry, I can’t focus with all of their eyes on me.” 

He blew out a short breath in acknowledgement.  “The redhead witch keeps trying to enter my barriers. Quiet annoying, I will say.”  You smiled as you peeped a quick look at Wanda who seemed extremely focused on the man standing in front of you. 

You heard him speak again, “May I?” Hands held out, he waited for your answer. You looked down and slid your gloves off. Your eyes drew back up to his and you slid your hands into his, feeling his cool hand wrap around your warm ones. 

Normally, you hated touching but once you held his hands it felt as though the world slipped away. All you felt was energy, all that surrounded you. You basked in its soft hum.

He continued, “Now, I want you close your eyes and take a deep breath in with me, little one, and clear your mind.” 

You closed you eyes in response, and smiled sweetly at the pet name subconsciously. To which Loki caught and smiled in return, knowing you couldn’t see. 

“You are one with the world around you. Feel the warmth of the sun on this brisk day. You are at peace— the very center of the world around you. Everything here has energy. Nature holds memory of the past and present. You are here, darling. You are safe.” His voice was soft and smooth.

It would be a lie if you didn’t feel yourself melting into his words. They were slick and entrancing. “What do you hear, Y/N?” He asked in his soft lulls.

“The trees. The wind is blowing...” You spoke to him in a quiet voice. 

Loki nodded, “Tell me, dove. How does the wind on your skin make you feel?” 

“It’s soft and slightly warm after the initial cold.” You stated once again causing him to observe you curiously. He turned your hands to face each other slowly in hopes he wouldn’t sever the connection you found. 

His hand cupped against the back of yours as if you were holding an invisible ball. “Gods, she is intoxicating.” Immediately you were pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of his voice, “You aren’t supposed to be intruding in my mind, little one.” 

You smiled tightly embarrassed of getting caught, you heard him chuckle. “Do you feel all the tethers connecting through you? They flow in and out of you. Concentrate them between our hands. 

“I don’t know how.”

“Just feel and trust. Visualize it.”

Slowly you felt warmth gathering closer and closer to your hands. It was forming and growing, you projected a thought to him fearing you would break concentration if you spoke. “It feels like the sun.”

He smiled, “Open your eyes slowly and take a look.”

You opened your eyes to his eyes staring at you. He smiled at you endearingly.

Holding his gaze for a bit, you then followed his eyes down to the ball of light in between both of your hands. Inside it was white with several revolving colors that interchanged. Hues of purples, red, green, and blue shone with gold shimmering around the outside. 

“We did that?” She looked at him with surprise. 

“You did.” He spoke softly. “You are harnessing the world around you. Its energy.”

A smile grew on your lips out of excitement. He moved around you stopping behind you shoulder. You felt his hands slide down your arm, resting them on your elbow and back. “Now throw it.”

You gave a little push it forward and was greeted with a cloud of smoke and Tony yelling. “Not the tree! Come on.” He threw up his hands as Sam, Bucky, and Rhodey laughed throwing popcorn at one another. 

“That was awesome.” You looked at Loki in pure amusement. You couldn’t explain the feeling that coursed through your body. 

He smiled at you and nodded, “I told you that you held power. Come, I have a few books to show you.” 

You nodded eagerly and followed him as Tony yelled at Thor. The blonde smirked at his brother knowing he found joy in pissing Tony off even more. However, he was even more amused at the the scene they had all watched. He noted Loki’s softness, one that the team didn’t get to see. It was shocking to them, but to Thor, it was an emotion he know Loki rarely let others know of. 

It was the quality of a small effort towards redemption. 

“Thank you, Loki. Really.” You said walking alongside him.

The raven-haired man smiled, “No need to thank me, little one. Now, let us go before he combusts out of anger.” 

“You got it, Trickster.” You said acknowledging that he full well enjoyed getting to Tony once more. 

[loveofafangirl]

The Right Thing

[Baron Zemo Masterlist] [Marvel Masterlist] 

Pairing: Baron Zemo x Reader (no gender, race, body type given)

Synopsis: As Zemo is sneaking away from his abode in Latvia in search of freedom, he is pulled back when he notices the fight in his home above has become dangerous for those in the streets. *Fluff:Comfort/Care*

Word Count: <1,500

Author’s Note: This is my first time writing Zemo. I don’t know what happened but he is living (and dancing) in my head rent-free so I hope you enjoy this little fic. I typically write third person; second person/reader is not really my area of comfort, so please excuse any mistakes. Not betad. A/N2: This reader becomes “Reader A” on my masterlist. Most fics can be read as this reader with their relationship with Zemo developing (even though they are all mostly one shots)

TW: non-graphic mentions of blood and injuries

He averted his gaze, pulling the collar of his coat up, attempting to blend in with the crowd forming in the street as he slipped out of his Latvian home. He could hear the clash of Vibranium echoing on the floor above. Children gathered in the street below, looking up curiously at the unusual sounds. He wanted to warn them. He knew the threats of fallout that followed from being too near those so-called heroes better than anyone. However, he feared the delay would cost him his freedom and what he must do. He quickened his pace away from them.

The shattering of a large window sounded behind him as the building took a beating from those fighting. He turned at the noise, too late to do anything more than observe the shards of colorful glass rain down on those below. 

He watched in horror as the debris struck a few people. You caught his attention when you protected a young boy, which caused you to suffer the most. He admired your resolve. You did what he wasn’t strong enough to do. He turned back the way he was heading, trying to forget the damage he saw.

You were curious about the cacophony of sounds coming from the building. You had heard that some of the Avengers were in town. You had secretly hoped to catch a glimpse of them. Not because you were a fan, more because you wanted to see them—to size them up. You had always been a good judge of character, and you wanted to determine for yourself whether they were essentially good or not; although, you already knew the world was far grayer than most people gave it credit. 

The noise above grew louder, and you could tell a battle was ensuing. You watched the number of people growing beside you, more specifically, the number of children enchanted by the unusual sounds. For a moment, fear flashes on your face, remembering Sokovia and the damage left in the wake of the last Avengers fight in the area. 

Before you have time to warn them, screams fill the air as glass and bricks begin to fall. You turn quickly, covering a small boy standing beside you, shielding him from the brunt of the crumbling debris. You cry as the glass pierces your skin; you feel blood begin to drip from some of the larger wounds. 

“Are you okay?” You ask the boy whose body trembles in your arms.

He nods, his lips quivering. He runs off down the street, following the crowd away from the scene without a word to you. 

You drag yourself away, too, hoping to find a quiet spot to nurse your injuries. You’re grateful they’re not worse since you can’t afford to go to the doctor. You turn a corner and sit on an old crate in the quiet alleyway. 

You peel off your shirt and turn to pull the first piece of glass from your back. You cry at the pain but continue on, gritting your teeth.

“Let me?” His voice was soft as he held his hands out in front of him, gesturing toward your wounds. 

Weary of the new stranger, you pull back defensively.

“Please.” He remained where he stood, not moving on you, giving you space. “I can help. You saved that child. Let me help you now. You won’t be able to reach them all on your own.”

Reluctantly, you nod, allowing him closer.

He slowly moves beside you, keeping his hands up, showing you he meant you no harm. 

His touch is softer than you imagined. You don’t even feel his careful fingers removing the glass. Eventually, you work up the nerve to ask, “Are you a doctor?”

“No,” he replies simply and continues his work. “Unfortunately, I have seen more destruction and loss than I would like.”

You sit in silence until he is done. He takes a minute to carefully inspect you, making sure to have removed all of the pieces to prevent infection. 

He wipes the soft fabric of his trench coat over your skin, collecting the blood that had spilled. 

His movements were so tender and warm that you can’t help but relax at his touch. The pain in your back seems to disappear under his care.

“There. All better.”

“Thank you, truly.”

His lip curls up in the corner. “You were a hero today. Many only delude themselves to be that. Few actually prove themselves to be so on occasion.”

You search his face for more. There is pain there that cut deeper than any shard of glass could. The two of you shift closer. There’s something in his eyes that lets you know his thoughts had drifted away from you. You know that look‚ the look of loss—of longing. It was all too common in the recent months and years. 

Before you can step back and thank him once more, his lips brush over yours, slowly. It feels like a dream, and for a moment, you’re afraid to breathe, as it feels like the wind whispering quietly on your lips. His eyes seem brighter at that moment like something had changed. As you decide to give yourself over to it, he pulls away, startled.

“My apologies.” His tone is honest as he steps back. He almost sounds surprised that it had happened.

“It’s okay.” You aren’t in the habit of letting random men kiss you and get away with it, but there was something genuine about him. Your eyes widen, truly focusing on the man in front of you for the first time. His brown eyes are warm and kind. You could tell he had been through a lot, but he had still taken the time to assist you. “It wasn’t you. Well, at least not completely you. It’s been a long time since someone was that…tender to me.” You swallow hard at your confession, unsure of why you had told this stranger that. “Most men want more. Demand it when it is refused.”

His eyes fill with what you think is concern, but he’s hard to read. You wonder if you’re fooling yourself, and it’s a look of pity that you’re trying to rewrite. 

He looks around nervously as people rush past the entrance of the alleyway. “I should be going.”

Filled with courage you didn’t know you had, you take a step forward and brush a kiss on his cheek. Your fingers linger on him. “Thank you again.” 

“My pleasure.” 

His smile, as he begins to move away, left you wanting more—needing to better understand him. You watch him walk toward the busy street. “Wait.”

He turns toward you, his head tilted to the side, waiting for you to continue.

“Why did you help me?” 

“It was the right thing to do.” He stated plainly. 

You nod thoughtfully. Not many people would have helped you like that without wanting more. Not many people know what the right thing is anymore. You’re not even sure you know all the time. “Can I ask you something else?”

He looks around again as if waiting for someone to find him. He offers a curt nod. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you need a place to lay low for a day?”

His head tilts further to the side, “why would you ask that?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. I guess, you just look like a man who’s running.”

“How very astute of you.” He marches closer again, studying your face more carefully now. 

“You can stay with me...just for the night,” you clarify quickly.

“You don’t know me. Why would you make such an offer?”

“It’s the right thing to do." You look down, bashful for a moment, before continuing. "Plus, you helped me; I owe you a debt.” Both were partly the truth, but the third reason you couldn’t bring yourself to admit to him was that you weren’t ready to let him go. 

He considers your offer, as he proceeds to attempt to understand you. "One night." 

"One night," you agree. You reach for your shirt, attempting to shake out the remaining bits of glass and put it back over you. 

"Here." He stops you, pulling his lavish coat off his shoulders, and wraps it around you in one fluid motion. 

The gesture catches you off guard, and you let a little noise of surprise slip from your lips. 

He doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does, he isn’t smug about it. He buttons the coat closed, shielding your body from the outside world. Stepping to the side, he extends his arm, a gentle smile on his lips. "After you."

You're not really sure what you're doing or why you made the offer you did, but you do know that for the first time in a long time, there's a smile on your face that you can't seem to wipe away. You touch your fingers to your lips, still mesmerized by the delicate kiss. You step forward, ready for whatever the future has for you. "Follow me." 

[Next Part: A Promise]

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Zemo tags: @montypythonsholysnail​

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[flying-elliska]

My experiences with AVPD

I have seen some general, very useful and well researched info posts about AVPD here but very few personal testimonies (...unsurprisingly so). Since any diagnosis covers a spectrum of experiences I think that can be interesting to talk about, to show there are different ways this can impact people and that not everybody is going to fit the textbook criteria to a T - really that there is no "one valid way" that these struggles should look. I have been diagnosed recently, earlier this year, but it was immediately very obvious to me how this had impacted my life deeply. (I have ADHD too so this necessarily colors all of this).

Obligatory disclaimer I am not a mental health professional, etc. Usual warnings for discussions of bad mental head spaces apply.

- Contrary to stereotypes I'm not very shy, in the right social context I can be outgoing, playful, engaging, taking the lead, making jokes, I like being in a crowd, speaking in front of people, being the center of attention, etc. However, the "right social context" is something very elusive and rare - i must be sure of my place and purpose, that everybody likes me and wants me there, know what i am expected to do, that ppl sees me how i want to be seen, i need to be in the right mood and energy...honestly i can count on my hands the number of times this has happened in my life. This is super frustrating because i feel like a whole pan of my personality is locked away from me.

- In most social situations I become very stressed out, even if this is often not visible. I become closed off or I dissociate ; a part of my mind and personality disappear/blank out ; I find it very difficult to know what to say or anything at all. I can come over as very standoffish. In some cases this is so awful I just prefer to leave. In some situations I can power through and then I play the chameleon ; I adapt to other people's behavior and expectations ; I observe and analyze the dominant social norms in a group as if it were a specific subculture and I was a sociologist trying to blend in ; sometimes I create a persona to shield behind ; i can be charming for 3 minutes but I never manage to actually share/bond with people on a deeper level ; when I succeed this makes me feel safer - but in both cases, I find it difficult to be authentic around people, I'm terrified of being judged and disapproved of, being exposed as some sort of horrible person or people using it against me ; it leaves me feeling isolated, alienated, and like I don't fit in anywhere ; like I'm always wearing some sort of mask and there is nothing underneath. This gets less bad when I am around a small number of people I know and trust, but flares up in big groups and unfamiliar situations. It makes most social interactions an exhausting amount of work.

- My inner critic is on fucking steroids ; constantly popping up in my brain with some truly heinous, horrible takes about whatever I'm doing or thinking or who i am as a person. For sheer survival I've had to learn to take it less seriously, like "haha whatever you dramatic bitch" but fucking hell, it's still there, and it's so insidious sometimes, with snap judgments i don't even realize are happening but that send me in a spiral of guilt and shame for the rest of the day. It's also very clever in its cruelty, often masquerading as concern (and yeah that's a direct gift from my mom love it). It turns my developed capacities for psychological analysis against me as a weapon. It's sad bc it's absolutely a very dysfunctional coping/protection mechanism. So nobody can tell me anything more awful than what I already tell myself. If I am my own worst enemy, I am less scared of others wanting to hurt me.

- This is very linked to my perfectionism and wanting to avoid hurt ; I have this deeply rooted unconscious belief that there is something wrong with me and that I need to change who I am as a person so i can be worthy of love/respect. I go through these cycles of having bouts of perfectionist energy where I make plans (very insane and unrealistic) to drastically overhaul my life, try for a few days, predictably fail, and give up, ending up in a swamp of powerless lethargy and feelings of uselessness that drag on for weeks where I am convinced I will always be an utter failure and trying anything is pointless ; then rinse and repeat. I've been on this hamster wheel ever since I was like, 13, which is when I remember making my first "life change program". Which is honestly really fucking sad. I have gotten a little bit more understanding and flexible with myself (my ADHD diagnosis has helped a lot with the idea that there are things that are just not humanly possible to do) but it's still hard to stop these swings from insane, morally weighed pressure to complete despondency. The added complication from ADHD is that because of problems with executive function, perfectionism is often how I try to motivate myself. This does not work very well or at all, but it's like a drug that is very difficult to let go of.

- This all has a lot of very real consequences on my life. I procrastinate enormously - this is already an ADHD problem but this makes the "emotional wall" a lot worse. I find it very hard to finish any project because that would mean exposing myself to judgment and criticism. I have literally started jobs/internships where I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to be perfect, became super nervous and therefore performing less well, had a breakdown at the first little mistake and ended up quitting because I felt too ashamed. Which is like. So fucking stupid in hindsight like the number of opportunities I have wasted in hindsight have me frothing at the mouth. So my academic/professional/financial prospects have taken a big hit from this. I am a huge nerd, I love studying and learning and understanding things for the sheer pleasure of it but - this is also why I am still not done with my masters - I regularly get panic attacks during studying where my brain starts basically eating itself up about not knowing everything and therefore being stupid (bitch what!) to the point where I can't even think anymore ; I am also terrified of expressing my own opinion outside of anonymous internet spaces or circles of trusted friends ; because what if I get it horribly wrong and get outed as stupid/awful/sloppy/lazy etc. All in all, the more important something is for me, the less likely I am to engage in it constructively without sabotaging myself, which makes making my life into something I can love very difficult.

- All of this makes it very hard to maintain any kind of relationships. I'm terrified of intimacy, of hurting people or getting hurt if I open up, of being manipulated and used, of being cruel and selfish, of being too needy, of being too cold and distant, etc. I'm bad at setting boundaries and I too often try to become exactly what I think the other person needs/wants from me, erasing my own personality or opinions in the process ; often I do this without even realizing it. I'm not that bad at making friends but I sabotage a lot of my relationships once they get past a certain level of closeness and age - a lot of my friendships have petered off around the 2 years or so mark, because at some point when I feel like my friends have seen too much of the parts of myself I am ashamed about (especially the part where I am just not getting anywhere with my life) it feels like too much, I close myself off and the thing just eventually dies off. Otherwise I just get into these very codependent, intense, fusional friendships that mirror the relationship I had with my mother, trying to be the savior and perfect confident and ending up in awful spirals or enabling dysfunctional behavior. My romantic history is just...Blegh. As a result of all the stress, negative emotions and hypervigilance (that is very linked to trauma), I often have very low energy and motivation to do the things that are important to me. I find it hard to be spontaneous, playful, affectionate ; to express my emotions at all ; I often come over as cold, remote, judgmental, even mean, when it's rarely what I intend. So like, in the end, I'm very lonely. I like to pretend I'm not because I do like my own company, I have so much to do and I'm rarely bored, but...Still.

For me AVPD is really the result of this confrontation, on one hand, between this hyperdeveloped inner critic and on the other, the avoidant/escapist coping mechanism of that 'inner wounded child' that feels perpetually powerless and persecuted. It's like a pinball, or back and forth from one state to the other, each giving rise to the next one like a perpetual motion machine. (I am learning in schema therapy that that overlaps very well with schema modes and I am actually pretty hopeful that digging into that will help me understand and evolve this dynamic into something more livable - ADHD meaning I don't think I will ever totally escape the 'boom/bust' inspiration and motivation cycles, but there should be a healthy way to go with that flow)

This all sounds really dire but it's of course not all there is to my life. I used to be much worse, but therapy already has helped me a lot with winding down the worst excesses of self hate and depression ; medication has helped me feel more emotionally stable. I know that, even if it doesn't look like it, I have a core that is pretty damn resilient and stoic (too much, maybe). I have developed a lot of compassion, self awareness, understanding of human psychology, and sense of inner humor through all of this. I do have a few very rewarding relationships in my life nowadays. I have come so far in building my sense of self independently from my family and my mother in particular, seeing through all the crap that I was raised to consider normal. I feel so much more lucid and serene these days, so much closer to being myself, and that is just everything.

And - I just fucking love life, man - it's the good side to all that sensitivity ; sometimes I look at the sunset sky or the stars or trees and I feel high on the beauty of the world. I have a lot of imagination, I love creating, learning, reading, writing - I have had to become a philosopher and a poet to survive and I don't regret it one bit. I have plenty of good days - I go for walks at sunset, I write, I study and read some interesting things, I bike around and explore new places, I meet friends for coffee, I go to the museum, I take nice pictures, I go to the thrift store, I have dinner with my housemates, I do yoga or embroidery or drawings, I bake, I pet the cat, I manage to get some work done ...I have made a religion out of living out the little things fully the last few years (stuck in a pandemic, you kind of have to) and yes my life these days feels small and slow and that is frustrating but at the same time ? I am genuinely happy sometimes. Yes, several times a day, or whenever I interact with the outer world, the bad things above flare up, but I am getting better at dealing with them. I truly am on the path of recovery and healing. These issues are a big part of my life but I cannot be reduced to them.

So, if you are dealing with these issues too (and somehow managed to read all of this lmao) I do want to say that there is hope and that no matter how horrible everything feels at times - it's never all there is. You're probably a lot stronger than you think. And - I have been to four therapy groups by now, and an almost constant is that these groups are full of overly worried sweethearts with big anxious eyes who just care too damn much and are very sensitive in a world that doesn't value that (and it's the world that is wrong about that, on the whole). Odds are you are one of them too. And yes maybe - you have ugly sides, you feel scarred and warped by trauma and loneliness and hurt and fear but - I think that is also very much at the core of human experience, you just have less control over when it shows. The exposure is painful but anyone being too nasty about it is probably afraid of their own frailty. You are so human it hurts and there is beauty and grace and knowledge in that ; even at your most pathetic, the sublime is never that far. The things that weigh you down are strengths in the making ; you just need to learn to use them properly. And you have the right not to be strong sometimes too. It will be alright.