#i think the BIGGEST thing is whether it was a matter or circumstance because something with mimic went differently where chuuya also left

[tokiwarcube]

Whether reader is a fan or works with Dethklok in some way, if they were trying to keep a relationship a secret from the public and even the other band members (at least for a month or so) who do you think would be the best and worst member of Dethklok at sneaking around with reader? Like for secret makeout sessions and dates, or sneaking in and out of rooms at night and in the morning, etc; whose the one whose only gonna make it a couple hours cus they can't keep a pokerface with you in the same room as them vs the whole month, and everyone is actually shocked they never noticed?

This was such a blast to work on -- took this one with me to noodle at on my trip, and finished finally finished up back home! Enjoy!

+ Charles as well, because I said so <3

1.) Charles

Charles is such an obvious choice for the number one spot here — while his eyes do get notably soft around you, there are certain… benefits to working with five, easily distracted dumbasses. If you two already work together, then really, there isn’t much to worry about.

But if you don’t? Well, that becomes a little bit harder. If they get even the inkling that you two are something more — even if its as some offhanded joke — they’re never going to let it go. They probably won’t blabber about the two of you to the media, but that’s really only because they don’t do media.

But truly, Charles’ composure is like no other: you could be perched pretty on his lap in his office, and the second he hears footsteps you’ll be back in your own seat — and no matter how frazzled you are, his calm is always enough to sway curious minds.

10/10, no notes.

Pickles the Drummer

Pickles is a bit of a mixed bag, but overall, he’s pretty good at keeping your relationship under wraps! You two have such a good dynamic within your relationship, with such an even back and forth of playfulness that really, it’s hard for outsiders to actually distinguish it from his usual banter. He pokes so much fun at you, and vice versa, that it never really seems like you’re getting special treatment in front of the guys.

And believe me, he loves getting a bit handsy just as much as the next guy. Or… maybe a bit more. But he can keep it in his pants until you’re behind closed doors… and a casual hug here and there can easily be blamed on the alcohol. He’s pretty good at redirecting the guys when they start prodding a bit too much into what exactly you guys are to one another.

The biggest risk to y’all getting exposed, however, is his jealous streak. It doesn’t take too much to set him off, and the spiral he goes on is a bit too deep to be considered an entirely platonic reaction.

8/10, surprisingly good at the game, but falls apart quickly under certain circumstances.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

His ranking here might be controversial, but I think if you already work together, or are at least spend time together regularly, he’s capable of keeping your relationship a secret for a good while — and only partially because of his reputation.

You two were likely friends long before you entered a relationship, so from the guys’ point of view, its not unusual for him to perk up when you enter the room. And even before you started dating, he was a bit of a flirt. As such, he has a good bit of leeway in public, or even around the boys with that! I mean, he’s Skwisgaar Skwigelf — of course he’s eyefucking you at the dinner table. Of course he’s flirting with you, leaning into your space, and calling you all these pretty names. It’d be weirder if he stopped doing all of that, honestly. The biggest red flag is when he stops bringing people back, though. Now that really catches people’s attention, and makes them start second guessing what you guys really are to one another.

Being a fan complicates things a bit more, though. As I’ve said time and time again, relationships are exceedingly rare for Skwisgaar, and so having to keep the only real one he’s ever had a complete secret is really hard for him! Because as a fan, he can’t really bring you around all the time, or flirt too heavy in public without raising a few brows. This all becomes especially hard once he starts getting acclimated to your sweeter, more innocent touches. He just wants to be close to you, and he can’t really do that in public.

7/10, benefits from how slow-burn you were, but fumbles it with his newfound desire for emotional intimacy.

William Murderface

Honestly, I think he would take a bit of offense to keeping the relationship a secret. You’ve gotta have a pretty good reason for it to keep it from hurting his feelings.

Once you get him through that, he actually has quite a bit of fun with it! But… he is painfully obvious in his affections, contrary to what he thinks. He has a lot of trouble spewing his average level of vitriol at you once he comes to terms with the depth of his affections, and there’s not a single person on earth who couldn’t pick up on that change. When you’ve built your career — and really, your life — on being a dick, even the smallest bit of softness stands out like a flare in the night. It might take people a little bit to pick apart his actual affection for you from the intermittent flattery he throws at people, but once it’s pinpointed, it’s pretty damn hard to miss.

He also lacks some situational awareness… by which I mean when you’re making out, his entire world narrows onto you. So if there’s even a microscopic chance that you could be walked in on, it’s up to you to be the aware one.

And while he can sneak you in and out of his room decently… he isn’t exactly subtle the morning after. He might as well lean back with a smoke in his hand, at this rate… no, wait— that’s exactly what he does. Like Toki, his primary saving grace falls back onto how the band and media just… refuse to take him seriously. Poor man.

5/10, but through little effort of his own.

Toki Wartooth

Listen, Toki is about as subtle as a brick through the window. He doesn’t really get your reasoning behind the secrecy in the first place, but to his credit, he will try for your sake… however, its still painfully obvious that you’re not exactly platonic. He’s liable to let some sweet pet-names slip, and while he’s fairly touchy with friends, he absolutely clings to you more than most.

He is, however, alarmingly good at sneaking around with you. And he’s gotten damn-good at stealing kisses in the microcosm of time where you aren’t being watched — if anything, this becomes his own game to see how much he can get away with before you two get caught.

His one saving grace is that his bandmates (and the media) don’t really take him seriously. He could be planning your wedding on live TV, complete with finances and documents, and a single refutation on your end could dispel every single accusation lobbied at the two of you.

4/10, but only through sheer luck.

Nathan Explosion

Listen: Nathan thinks he’s fantastic at hiding a relationship… but Nathan in love is a completely different person. It’s painfully obvious that he’s got something for you, and frankly, the guys were already suspicious when he was still in the crushing stage. He’s softer around you, he actually listens to your opinions and what you have to say… and once you start dating, you’ll notice how his hands trail after you a bit when you leave the room, too. He’ll deny the accusations when his bandmates start prodding, but of course, they see through him pretty damn fast. He’s down abysmal for you.

Not to mention, it’s also borderline impossible to miss him in a hallway, Mr. Frankenfeet, so sneaking in and out of his room always has to be a solo endeavor.

And well, he doesn’t really think before speaking… or punching, for that matter — so if one person starts talking shit about you, the cat will be pretty much out of the bag.

2/10, for effort.

[philomaela]

Laenor dying really fucked up a lot for Rhaenyra, huh? Because like, Laenor is very valuable to Rhaenyra, as long as he's alive the rumors of her children's illegitimacy are basically worthless. In a patriarchal system such as Westeros, as long as a husband is around to proclaim that his children are his, there's nothing anyone can really do about it. It doesn't really matter what "evidence" is provided so long as Laenor wants to keep claiming these children, nothing is going to shift their status. After all, think about a patriarchal, feudal society where someone can go to a Lord and just declare that your children aren't actually yours, it would be a nightmare from a property/inheritance perspective. Even if the King who was the one to do that... the book goes out of the way to point out how scared the Lords are of losing their "rights", something like that would certainly imply that a Lord no longer has rights over his wife/children. It's a fascinating moment where Laenor and Rhaenyra are able to publicly flout repressive societal laws and then hide behind those same laws for protection.

But yeah anyway, Laenor is so valuable from that perspective, plus he's a dragonrider and in that sense very valuable against the Green faction. Plus he's representative of the Velaryons alliance, in addition to the Jace/Baela and Luke/Rhaena betrothals of course.

That's why Laenor's funeral is so interesting to me, it represents a complete reversal of fortune for the Blacks at that point and I feel like that has to be part of the significance of Aemond's claiming of Vhagar being done at Laenor's funeral. Because the incident perfectly illustrates how Rhaenyra is on the backfoot now that Laenor is dead. Suddenly the rumor of the children's illegitimacy is no laughing matter, without Laenor as a shield the accusations of bastardy become dangerous for her children. As well, they've lost a valuable dragon rider and to further illustrate the point, the other side now has the biggest dragon. Not to mention this takes place at Driftmark which again I think symbolizes how now Rhaenyra is not necessarily strong because of her Velaryon alliance.

I totally get why the book accuses Daemon of killing Laenor because like... regardless of whether he did it, after the Vhagar incident, Rhaenyra basically had to marry him. He's the only one with a dragon that can feasibly stand up to the Greens, he in theory has a fierce enough reputation to help silence the rumors of her children's illegitimacy (though this is a double edged sword) and he's Baela and Rhaena's father which means he's key to ensuring that the Velaryon/Targaryen alliance remains strong through the marriages of their children. All of the things about how he is a terrible person who hurt her reputation in the past and hurt her reputation currently remain true but like fundamentally... what other choice is there in the moment? You can say well "she shouldn't have had children with Harwin Strong" but like... for all this is a fantasy world, they have yet to introduce time travel. She made certain choices under certain circumstances and when things changed she was suddenly in a very different situation and she had to pivot.

[zanethepa1n]

GARMADON ESSAY

// SPOILERS FOR NINJAGO SEASONS 3, 8, 9, AND 16

So this is real different from my usual posts, but this is something I've wanted to write about for awhile.

In this post I'm gonna just...explain my views on Garmadon? Not really sure of the best term to use to explain it; of course, it's just my opinion, but I wanna give people different views on his character, yk? I have really strong feelings about this topic so...I imagine this post will be pretty long.

If you have any requests for Ninjago characters you'd want me to do essays on like this lmk and I'll definitely try and get to it...I'll probably do one on Zane at some point.

Anyways, lets beginnn

Okay so let me just warn you again, this post is probably going to be EXTREMELY long and is all just writing. Basically an essay because I'm not sure how else to express my feelings on the matter other than in writing.

Anyways; I am going to try and structure the points I want to make chronologically...kind of. In each of the sections, I will be focusing on the main topic listed, but I may pull evidence from future or past seasons to support what I'm saying. So, the topics go chronologically, but the evidence will not...if that makes sense.

Here are the topics im going to cover in order, I'll expand on them in each of their respective sections;

Sensei Garmadon

Season 8 Fight w/ Lloyd

Christofern

Oni Training w/ Lloyd

Sensei Garmadon

So, this a lot more of a personal opinion, but I do not consider that Sensei Garmadon is different from Lord/Emperor Garmadon. I may be taking what people say wrong, but in my opinion I don't think that Sensei Garmadon is different from current Garmadon in any capacity; he was just in different circumstances. So, let me explain my views on this.

This is obviously not the best evidence because it can be easily defended by what is literally said in canon, but I thought I'd mention it anyways; I do not believe that the Great Devourer bite caused Garmadon to turn evil. It definitely changed him, but I don't think it corrupted him. In my honest opinion, I think that the only thing the Great Devourer bite did was awaken Garmadon's Oni side, and the FSM considered this to be "corruption".

But, despite my above claim being basically blatanly disproven by canon, it's...technically not completely disproven. It is obvious throughout the show that Garmadon is not completely cold-hearted and evil. He shows obvious care for Lloyd, as well as Misako. So it can be said that, even if the Great Devourer did corrupt him in some capacity, it did not do so completely.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I think that Garmadon only turned out "evil" because that is what he was viewed as. His entire life, he was raised to believe he was evil, and everyone around him believed he was evil. The FSM saw Garmadon's Oni blood obviously outweighing his dragon blood, and considered that to be evil, and likely passed that belief onto Wu, whether intentional or not.

Now, this is where I go back to the main topic, Sensei Garmadon. I think that Sensei Garmadon didn't act "evil" because he felt as though he didn't have to any more. I don't really know how to explain how exactly Garmadon's form changed occurred as a result of the Overlord un-possessing him, but Oni can shapeshift, so it is plausible that Garmadon didn't change as a person, but his view on himself changed. Therefore, he felt he no longer had to be evil because nobody around him was claiming he was anymore.

Season 8 Fight w/ Lloyd

This is like, one of the biggest points I have to make. I want to say, before I get into it; I am not trying to completely remove all blame from Garmadon, but I just want to explain my personal thoughts on the situation.

So, firstly, I'd like to address Garmadon's very first line of dialogue before the fight; It was foolish to come here.

Now this shows that it's likely Garmadon did not want to fight. Of course, it could've been more of a threat, but in my mind it seems more as though he had hoped Lloyd would not fall for the trap.

I would also like to mention how much is probably going through Garmadon's mind during Season 8 and Season 9, in general.

He has just been ripped from the claws of death, and is probably in insane amounts of pain (his voice sounds strained during the fight, not mention his ribcage is literally showing), and the first thing he is told is that he has to kill his son to reach his true potential, and to protect his father's realm. A lot of people don't acknowledge that Harumi literally manipulated Garmadon and I think that's really crazy?? Like, she takes advantage of the fact he's struggling with amnesia and is in pain and is like "lol i brought you back as purely evil and all you can do is cause destruction because you're fully oni!!! go murder your son now!!!" Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I don't think that the fight with Lloyd in Season 8 is entirely Garmadon's fault. There's a lot of things that fueled how he was feeling-- not to mention what he says right after Lloyd speaks to him for the first time; You've...you've changed.

I'd be kinda upset too-- if the first time I see my son in years, he's completely changed, basically gone through puberty.

tldr, I think that manipulation and generally being overwhelmed fueled a lot of what Garmadon did in s8-s9 in general, not just the fight scene.

Christofern

This one means a lot to me. Like I have such strong feelings about this.

I HATE when people say "Garmadon cares about a plant more than his own son!!"

Guys. The plant is Garmadon's way of trying to learn compassion and be better so that he can make it up to Lloyd. Christofern in general is a metaphor for Lloyd, Christofern is Garmadon's symbol for Lloyd.

They even point this out in the show during a discussion between Nya and Garmadon!

Nya: Why are you carrying around a plant?

Garmadon: It was the only green in my life. I had hoped it would grow, and thrive, and perhaps, one day ... forgive me. But now it's gone, and I am alone.

Nya: We're talking about the plant, right?

Garmadon: Of course! What else?

Obviously Garmadon says that he's just talking about Christofern, but,, c'mon...do you really think this man is going to admit he's a little sentimental to any of the ninja... he's literally the emotional wall of the century... /hj

Also, this conversation with Nya is had IMMEDIATELY after Lloyd storms off because Garmadon said he was positive they would lose to the Overlord.

So the line But now it's gone, and I am alone. could easily be Garmadon projecting that he's upset that their conversation ended badly and Lloyd stormed off, and that Lloyd will probably get hurt or die in the battle.

Oni Training w/ Lloyd

This one is pretty simple for me to explain, but I've seen a lot of people that don't like how harsh Garmadon was when he was trying to teach Lloyd how to achieve his Oni form.

Personally, I'm nearly 100% sure that Garmadon was only being as mean as he was to inspire Lloyd to be angry so that he could achieve his Oni form; of course this isn't really the best way to go about it, but Garmadon probably only knows how to trigger his Oni form when it is correlated with anger and/or distress, so he probably assumed it would be the same for Lloyd.

I also think this applies to him faking his death; but of course it was extreme and I can understand being upset about it.

So...that's all I had to say. I might come back and add more later? Sorry if this was really incoherent I just typed this all up in one sitting to get it off my mind. In general, I just hope to give people a different perspective on Garmadon's character I suppose? I just,, don't really like that he's like...usually hated or only simped over.

But, again, this is just my opinion, and I'm not trying to change yours <3

[sciderman]

I love the Cable hate recently because honestly that’s my favourite thing about Cablepool, the fact that Nathan truly is the biggest prick (and has the biggest prick) and only Wade seems to realise that, especially during the Cable and Deadpool run: the world sees Cable as strong and intelligent and cool, and Deadpool is calling him out for being lame and a dick. Meanwhile everyone in the world only sees Wade’s flaws, while Cable has heart eyes every time he looks at Wade.

Spider-Man (at least early on): “I could fix him.”

Cable, holding a collar and leash: “Grow up. I think the atrocities he commits are funny.”

NATE IS SOOO... i'm obsessed with his ridiculous mind. he should not have that much power. he should not have that much power.

nate does want to fix wade, but nate is so deeply flawed and controlling and hardly the barometer for you know. moral good. and i'm obsessed and constantly thinking about nate's backwards logic in justifying that wade is a good boy by consequentialism alone. it doesn't matter what wade's intentions are and whether wade had any say in the matter over anything - if, in the end, wade "behaves" it doesn't matter how much nate had to interfere and force wade's hand to get that outcome.

nate: "he did the right thing." everyone around him: "you literally fucking rearranged all variables around him so that he had no other option than to do the right thing." nate: "he did the right thing and i'm proud of him."

i'm obsessed with you nathan. full offence what the fuck is wrong with you.

i always say that's kind of just... that's why nate and wade just couldn't ever be healthy, and why peter and wade are just... healthier. because nathan wants control over wade - basically, wants control over everything. wade's intentions don't matter as long as the outcome is desirable. wade can't - wade can't actually turn a new leaf in those circumstances. because he's a disobedient dog, and he will growl and bite and kick if someone tries to control him.

and wade is so aware - wade knows nate is constantly exerting his will over wade's actions.

lord mama they are so fucked up... they are so fucked up...

i think that's why 9319 peter (my beloved) is so good for wade - because he pointedly - pointedly does not want to exert power over wade. he doesn't want responsibility over wade. wade has to make his own decisions. peter is hands-off.

wade isn't a child - or an animal that needs to be tamed. and peter's been all about this since the beginning.

peter knows that a man is the product of the choices he makes. i think peter kind of embodies the power of choice - peter makes the conscious choice to do good, despite his own wants and desires. he could be bad. he could be just like wade. and he knows it.

he doesn't intend to rob wade of choice. he knows how important it is. he knows how important it is that wade makes the choice for himself, to be better.

he doesn't want to take credit for wade's positive change. it's his.

and it makes peter's pride in wade just, all the more sincere. because he knows it's all him. it's all wade.

is peter frustrated that he can't do more to help? endlessly, yeah. but i think he accepts it - that he's powerless.

nate wants so badly to be wade's saviour.

and peter - i think peter's accepted or is learning to accept that he can't be. and kind of never wanted to be, in the first place.

i think it's why wade is kind of scared of the term "hero" - because he's never felt like the hero in his story. he's always felt like a victim of the narrative, or his actions were somehow influenced by someone else or the desire to impress someone else. he has very little trust in his own power of will.

it's a sore spot.

once again, wade attacking peter parker for something he feels guilty of himself. letting outside forces influence his choices rather than taking ownership of his own decisions

the original.. FUN fact. the original draft of civil war was so much more overt about this, actually. and i can finally share the panel. i can finally share the panel from the original draft of that post. it's wild. i don't really remember writing it, and i don't even have the rest of it. but bex saved this one panel and i think about it a lot. out there in the cosmos is an alternative version of that civil war argument that i guess i didn't go for. i think the uncle ben thing worked better. but. still. i love the red art. red is so sexy.

i think wade's whole outrage in civil war with peter was the whole discredit to wade's change. the second that peter put the tracer on wade, PAIRED with the confession that morning, made wade feel all kinds of "oh. i finally qualify for his love." feelings. and it made him angry. because it made wade feel like all the positive change he made wasn't actually for him, but peter's will all along.

god. i got so carried away here. but yeah. wade is all furious about this because it's something nate would pull.

long story short, wade's tired of being controlled, but he's still in the mindset that he's being controlled. by whatever. by peter. by nate. by the author (me) (he's wrong, by the way).

yadda yadda yadda, wade learning he has power. he has free will. he is capable of change, and he's not at the mercy of nathan fucking summers or the narrative all the time.

i think it's fun actually that wade has this perception of powerlessness and an absence of free will in his relationship with nate,, and peter is (unintentionally) teaching wade how he has power over his own life and power over other people and with great power c

[sout999]

dear tumblr ,,⋋(•◇•)⋌,,

thank you so much for all the support on my top surgery fundraiser, whether it's donating, reblogging or just staying patient with while i boost the link multiple times. which i am going to keep doing! it's no understatement that this is the single biggest positive thing that's happening in my life, and the time i need your help most. so i'm making my voice heard as much as i possibly can to spread the word, and i appreciate all your help with it. it makes me feel loved as a person and not as a bunch of posts on a dashboard, i've been getting pretty isolated because of mental health stuff so even the small connection we have from your act of goodwill is really meaningful to me

i've been ok, mostly putting in work on my masters degree, although some of the 'work' included having a massive breakdown from months of burnout, and i'm currently in the middle of trying to get an extension and rework a large part of my project. mostly this is due to the subject matter of my work having had a lot of loaded cultural and personal themes, which, when being forced to think about nonstop for two years, while also moving in with the family member who is the source of a large part of all the trauma of it, was just too much. taking a stance to axe the project in its current form was hard and made me feel like a quitter but now i feel relief and realize it was an act of self love as well

so i'm trying to recover from that and see a way forward to a project i would like doing, but it's hard when your circumstances have left you this depressed. i'm also trying to become more mindful of the way i use social media because when i'm anxious i fall very easily into the numbness sink of scrolling social media just to avoid thinking... i've stared a daily list of Ten Things That Happened That Day That Didn't Happen On The Internet, although i never get to ten, and i dont think even pre-internet leon would have gotten to ten, but it's good to aim high and take notice even of the little things. maybe to some people this comes naturally but i have to be very deliberate about it. i think this article sums up how im starting to feel about the internet rn

i've cut most personal spending down as much as possible to save up to my top surgery, so i have to find fun things to do that don't cost money. i'm trying to sew because my partner knows a lot about it and can teach me (i'm currently trying to engineer the perfect underwear, weird hobby but it's actually an amazing dysphoria-buster because most store bought underwear that fits my ass is so feminine, to be able to make a piece of something so intimate be so personal is, omg, an act, of, omg, self love). i've also sold off some things to help save for my top surgery and doctor visits, i'm trying to not get rid of anything i will really miss but it's also an enjoyable feeling to imagine the item disappearing as it becoming a permanent part of my history and of my sexy flat boy body (~o_o)~

if i end up having some free time outside of my masters degree, my current dream project is making pixel assets. i think with all the cases of my art getting stolen and used without permission it would actually be really cool to put something together specifically for public use. i miss kaoani and flower banners and stuff. i dont know if i can ever make something so saccharinely cute and tidy but if anything it's a nice space to visit

did you miss me coming to tumblr to make long winded posts about nothing? hopefully when twitter falls we will all be on here reading each others paragraphs, hopefully i'll have more going on in my life and can write even longer ones. here is a nice drawing, and a link to the fundraiser once again :)

https://gofund.me/958124b6

[downstarr]

Fanfic and the Right to Be Forgotten

You know that thing that’s been happening where people are binding fic that they didn’t write and selling it for a lot of money? And some people are even selling merch based off of fic without permission?

That speaks to new and/or young people in fandom not realizing how tenuous the existence of fic is and how easily it can and has been taken away. But what’s also contributing to this is the idea that fic exists in some kind of creative common just because it’s fic.

To be clear, you can’t make money off someone else’s intellectual property without permission/paying a licensing fee, full stop. People selling fanart are basically riding off the goodwill of the IP holders not to serve them with a cease and desist. Usually the studios don’t do that because they realize persecuting their biggest fans for making a small amount of money is not a good look. They tend to take a harder line with fic for various legal reasons I won’t get into here. But basically, you cannot in any way, shape or form, make money off fanfic. It is only allowed to exist because the writers are not making money. Even that right was hard-fought and kept in large part because of the work of the nonprofit Organization for Transformative Works who run Ao3. 

Just because an author can’t make money off their fic doesn’t mean that fic belongs to fandom, though. It still belongs to the person who wrote it. It is not free for others to use unless the author explicitly gives permission. 

That means that the author of the fic is allowed to remove it and it should stay removed. The author has the right for their work to be forgotten and to disappear. It doesn’t matter if it’s beloved in the fandom, or if it meant something to people. That doesn't change the fact that it doesn’t belong to fandom. The idea that it does is what leads people to think it’s okay to bind and sell fic they didn’t write. 

Now, if I personally decided to delete a fic, I’d probably give people a head’s up and a chance to download their own copy for personal use. I also wouldn’t mind if they passed a copy off to a friend who wanted to read it. But under no circumstance should you put it up again or put it on a server for others to download to “save” it. Frankly, it isn’t yours to save and fandom should respect the wishes of the author who wrote it and then chose to delete it. 

Why would an author delete a fic? Well, it doesn’t really matter. It’s the author’s work and their choice. But maybe they were getting hate in the comments. Maybe they don’t think the writing was very good. Maybe they aren’t part of that fandom anymore and don’t want to interact with readers. Yes, they could orphan the work but they definitely aren’t obligated to. 

The biggest reason though, is that a lot of fic contains TONS of original elements. Some fic only holds a tangential relationship to canon through archetypes and basic personalities. Those original ideas belong to the writer. This means they have the option to delete the fic version and file the serial numbers off the work and turn it into a wholly original, saleable IP of their own if they want to. Many many published works started off as fic, the most famous of which is, of course, Fifty Shades of Gray which started as Twilight fic. 

If you circumvent an author’s wishes and repost or share their deleted fic widely, you undermine their ability to profit off their original ideas and writing. I get that it’s sad to lose a fic you loved, but it’s very easy to download copies of fic if you want to make sure you can reread it in the future. We also shouldn't guilt authors who choose to delete their fic, especially if they want to remake that work into something original.

Regardless of whether an author can make money off of their writing, it’s still theirs to control. Or at least, it should be. The idea that fanwork belongs to a collective also leads to authors and fanartists being taken for granted, as well as giving people the mistaken idea that they can remix it and sell it. 

This work doesn’t come out of the aether. It comes from talented folks who create transformative works for free. The least we can do is respect their right for that work to be forgotten if they decide to delete it.

[bestworstcase]

My biggest hope is that, at some point, Ruby calls Salem out for her systematic genocide towards the people with Silver Eyes, and that just completely spoils all of Salem's plans to present herself as the injured party.

Because no matter how Salem tries to spin her reasoning behind it, Robyn's Semblance would reveal just how cruel, petty, and POINTLESS the millenia of slaughter were.

The Brothers definitely wronged Salem, but that does NOT make it okay for her to take out her rage on completely innocent people, just because they MIGHT be related to her ex husband.

i think salem kills silver-eyed warriors* for exactly the same reason humans hunt grimm

(*distinct subset of silver-eyed people)

because irrespective of whether normal grimm are sentient beings (and i think they are), salem is a person who’s spent the last several thousand years living in forced exile—it is ozma’s explicit goal to get rid of her—with nothing and nobody to turn to for companionship except grimm, and from his stated interest in silver eyes and his recruitment of both summer and ruby we know he’s made use of silver-eyed warriors for this purpose whenever he can find them.

meanwhile salem to all appearances… did nothing, because ozma absolutely could not have kept her a secret if she’d been acting in kind all along and we know now that even as little as twelve years ago that ozpin’s war was all smoke and no fire.

so yeah no assuming it is what it looks like—that salem took out silver-eyed warriors who either worked for ozma or looked like they might, during the very long period of his one-sided crusade—i think she has a leg to stand on. her general has silver eyes, it isn’t like she hates them on principle.

the most important question here is what the hound’s deal was, where and how she found him and what circumstances led to using his (reanimated?) corpse as the core of a grimm. because that’s new—an experiment, probably something begun after beacon fell—and we have zero context. in a story that is all about things never being as simple as they seem! in a story where we’ve already had a huge in-character assumption about the hound shown textually to be wrong! in a story where we know salem has or had two more agents we’ve not met yet, and one of them is obviously summer rose.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Good day WQA!

So I have this problem where what I want doesn't seem to match what I imagine for my story.

The biggest one I have right now is the main love interest of my MC. I want her (the love interest) to have a healthy family dynamic (mom, dad, 3 older brothers) but everytime I imagine the family, I can't seem to "see" the mother in the dynamic no matter what I do!

Do you have any tips on how to fix that? Even though I tried to imagine that the mom is away traveling to try and find a middle ground between what I want and what I see, but even then I can't get it to work.

Do you have any idea why this is? Do you think it's because I haven't fleshed out the mother's character enough or because something deeper like the "dead parents" cliché sneaking into the story because healthy families seem to be so rare that it almost feels weird to not have one tragic death in the family?

Any and all thoughts or opinions are welcome!

Thanks!!

When Story Plans Don't Pan Out

First, I want to dispel your belief that a "healthy family dynamic" requires two parents, or that a family with an absent parent isn't "healthy." I'm not sure what led you to think that, but it isn't true at all. Healthy family dynamics aren't about how the unit is constructed (two parents, one parent, number of siblings, etc.) but about how the people within the unit behave and interact with each other. So, don't feel like your character can't have a healthy family dynamic with a single parent. They absolutely can. Having said that, the other concern you mentioned was the "dead parents" cliché, which is only an issue when the absence is there to: avoid having to figure out how parents fit into your character's life, explain why parents aren't interfering with a younger character's misadventures, give your character tragic circumstances and serves no other purpose. It doesn't sound like any of these reasons fit your situation, this is just how you're imagining the family, and that's fine.

Now, let's look at the broader question of what to do when your brain wants to go in a different direction from what you had planned. When this happens, the first thing to do is look at whether the element you planned is really that important. Using your situation as an example, the element you planned was a two-parent family, but your brain is seeing a single parent family instead. Is a two-parent family important to the story in any way? Is there a reason both parents need to exist, outside of your mistaken belief that it's required for a healthy dynamic or to avoid a cliché? If there's no story-related reason the parent has to be there, go ahead and change it. Let your brain take the lead on that one, because not only is it easier than fighting it, sometimes our gut instinct (aka our brain taking things in a different direction than planned) knows something we don't. Sometimes these kinds of changes actually work better for the overall story. On the flip side, when your brain is making a change that doesn't work for the story, you just have to fight it and do the thing that does work.

Happy writing!

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[remcycl333]

hey! ive read your latest post multiple times and i have a few questions?

1. do i need to use “i love sps name” or can i just say “i love sp” without using their name bc i know that saying their name causes us to be more obsessed with them and then they wont remember us, will the affirmation still put me in the state?

2. everything about not needing it in the 3d makes me feel like this is literally detaching? I thought with the law of assumption we wont have to detach bc were essentially tricking our subconscious into believing we have something? so why would we need to not want it in the 3d? sorry but i really want my sp IN the 3d, or else i wouldnt ever do this.

3. what if i do everything right and it still doesn’t happen? its hard to put faith into all this when so little people have successes and even if i accept i created all my circumstances before, how do i know i can create the “good” when all i’ve experienced is bad?

4. what if i dont feel fulfilled at all? when i think of being with my sp i dont feel anything bc i was with him for 4 years hes not a crush or anything i would feel obsessive for. I always felt normal and right now i feel his absence but how do i “not” feel something?

thanks again, may i be 🎨⛸️ anon?

#🎨⛸️anon

im confused how you read the post multiple times when every question you asked is answered in the post ?

"for instance, say you're manifesting a relationship. being in a relationship might feel differently for me than it would for you. i might love differently than you. there might be things in relationships that are more important to me than you, that i hold dearer to my heart than you do. even if you've never been in a relationship before, i'm sure you have an idea of what your perfect relationship would be like. and it might be completely different than my idea. that's why it's important that we personalize our methods to ourselves."

here i explain that since we all experience states differently (specifically the state of being in a relationship), we should personalize our methods to ourselves. meaning your affirmations, if your preferred method is affirming.

"i used to repeat whatever affirmation worked for someone else, or make sure my daydreams were "perfect." but i'd never get the feeling. i would just go through the motions, trying to repeat these methods enough times so they'd manifest into my reality. but that was the issue. i was trying. i was forcing it.

imagination is natural and personal."

here i explain that you shouldn't just copy someone else's affirmation, but instead find one that works for YOU. i shared an example of the affirmation i used, but that doesn't mean you should use it! if you don't like it, then don't use it! if it doesn't give you the feeling, don't use it!

also, "saying your sp's name makes you obsessed with them" is the biggest limiting belief i have ever heard. if you were in a relationship with your sp, would you say their name? yeah, you would!

"your subconscious mind responds to feelings. it doesn't pay attention to your thoughts, whether they're in words or pictures. you are not imagining to show your subconscious mind what you want, you are imagining to FEEL and EXPERIENCE BEING the person who already has your desire."

here i explain that the exact affirmation you say does not matter, because it's not the words that matter, it's the FEELING they give you. you can affirm "i like burritos" and manifest your sp using that affirmation alone if it gives you the FEELING.

create your affirmation ON YOUR OWN! PERSONALIZE it to YOU! you experience love differently than i do. affirm what works for you.

"so my advice is take whatever you are manifesting, and take a night--perhaps the time when you'd usually daydream before falling asleep--and think about what it is you want. why do you want it? how do you think having it will make you feel? what will you do with it once you have it? what will your natural thoughts be when you have it?"

do this tonight. or right now, even. experiment with your affirmations until you find that one helps you feel like you're already with your sp. stop putting so much pressure on yourself! there is not right or wrong. and don't ask me to make you affirmations because they should be personalized to u!

2. "your goal should not be to imagine enough times that you get your desire in your 3D. your goal shouldn't be to get your desire in your 3D, period.

this is an inflammatory sentence for some, but hear me out. if you accept your desire as done in your 4D, and make the state of having your desire your dwelling state, your desire will reflect in your 3D because that's LAW. but your goal shouldn't be doing methods and fulfilling yourself to GET, your goal should be making yourself feel good. retreat to your imagination when you need to, if you're feeling bad or like everything's hopeless. retreat to your imagination and give yourself your desire. this can be as simple as repeating an affirmation a few times until you catch the feeling if you're busy with something else, or as involved as scripting or daydreaming about having your desire."

here i explain that YOU WILL GET YOUR DESIRE IN THE 3D NO MATTER WHAT. yes you are manifesting because you want your sp in your 3D. but you WILL NOT GET YOUR SP IN YOUR 3D IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO YOURSELF IN YOUR 4D FIRST! point blank period. so your goal should be giving it to yourself in your 4D. once you do that, you WILL get it in the 3D because that's LAW! but once you take your focus off not having it in the 3D, you will be able to accept that you have it in your 4D easier! stop focusing on the 3D. that's not detaching, that is manifesting.

this thing you said "I thought with the law of assumption we wont have to detach bc were essentially tricking our subconscious into believing we have something?" NO NO NO you are NOT tricking your subconscious into thinking ANYTHING! u have your desire in your 4D, that's a FACT! you have anything and everything you want in your 4D the second you desire it. you are not tricking your subconscious mind. also, your subconscious mind is YOU, stop acting as tho it's separate from u! it's YOU!

you're not tricking your subconscious, you are accepting that you have it in your IMAGINATION! how is it hard to believe you have something in your imagination? you're definitely overthinking if you think that you don't have something in your imagination. because its your imagination and you can instantly imagine anything you want, and boom! it exists in your imagination.

3. girl i see soooo many people post their successes every single day with the law.

i can't make you believe the law, i also can't make you apply it. if you don't want to apply it because you are scared of failing, that is not on me. it's not my fault if you don't get your sp bc you don't want to apply! i know this sounds harsh but TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! and TRY! what's gonna happen if you give it your all and don't get your sp? the same thing that'll happen if you don't try at all.

you've created good before. look at anything good you've ever gotten or experienced in your life. YOU manifested that, because you create everything! apply the law and prove it to yourself. no one can convince you. you need to put in the work and convince yourself. don't let fear hold you back from living a good life

4. it sounds like you haven't even tried to fulfill yourself? you said you were with your sp for four years. what type of thoughts were you having when you were dating your sp? recreate those. that's what i did, and how i came up with my "i love my sp" affirmation. and that got me my sp.

you don't feel his absence by fulfilling yourself. retreat to your imagination and be with him in your imagination. imagine what you'd be doing if you were together rn. since you've been in a relationship with him before, i know you know how you feel while in a relationship with him. experiment with different affirmations until you catch that feeling.

also, as i've said multiple times on my blog, the feeling of knowing can sometimes feel like nothing at all. just natural.

"sometimes the feeling of knowing doesn’t feel like anything!! for instance i KNOW my hair is brown, but i don’t feel any type of way when i remember my hair is brown. it’s just a natural fact to me!"

i hope this helped and i hope you take the advice i've given you. it's all i can do for you since i can't force you to apply.

[ultimate-geek14]

Ok, recently a friend and I had a conversation in the middle of class about philosophy. She is a very spiritual person, very into different ideas about astrology and tarot and manifestation and things like it. I tend not to be, but i find different ideas like that interesting. But as we were discussing these things, my friend eventually mentioned that she does not truly believe in free will. At least not in the sense that everyone else does. Her argument was that people are only truly affected by the things and people in their environment, and as such cannot truly make a decision without the bias of another person, or that they can never make a decision based entirely on their own ideas. The idea had come up before, as i recently took psychology and sociology classes, and that idea is one of the main theories and questions in both subjects. The thing is, I disagree.

In my mind, individuality is the only inherent thing that people are truly guaranteed in life.

She responded with the fact that individuality comes from other people. I think that is what makes it so interesting. Human beings are fragments and pieces of everything they have ever seen or known, experienced and processed, whether we know it or not. The love or hate of franchises and movies, ideas that are introduced to us and constantly thrown at us, experiences and actions. Yes, people rarely have a say in what they are exposed to, especially early in their lives, and if they are unable to leave those situations. But I do not think that negates individual actions and decisions.

One of the biggest examples of this exists in the basic building blocks of our world- chemicals.

Only one atom of oxygen is the difference between the waste product from our breathing and a chemical that will slowly poison us. Many chemicals have oxygen in them, it just so happens that this particular one is harmful to us. Furthermore, every chemical does something completely different under different circumstances. Some make medicines, others burn through metal. It all depends.

People are similar. Many people have the same experiences, sometimes in the same moment or with the same people, like a class together. But depending on their base, their past experiences as a person, they can react and create something completely different. I think those differences are what give us free will. Because the difference is that people also choose to leave certain situations. They choose to break the cycle, do something different than what their parents did. maybe it is because of an outside influence, but that negates those who choose to break a cycle or quit something because of one singular event or experience. That is the decision that matters.

Free will is not nonexistent because of past experiences; rather, it is an inherent piece of every human being because of those past experiences.

My point being, I find this debate interesting. If you have anything to add, please feel free to mention it.

[meimi-haneoka]

I’m sorry I said some unpleasant things to you earlier.

Your answer made me think about a lot of things I hadn’t thought before, both about CLAMP and Clear Card ? So thank you

I'm going to reply to this one immediately because I've been thinking for the past hour whether to reblog that post again and reply to your questions, or leave it be as I had said 😅

I'm sorry if I came across as irritated too, but the reason why I (and I think the other fan you reblogged from too) feel so over the edge about this topic is because it's been very difficult lately to interact with certain corners of the fandom without slipping into a puddle of negativity feeding on negativity, over matters that concretely no one of us can do anything about.

Sometimes I have the impression people see only the "artwork producing" side of Clamp and forget that they are human beings too, with their own wishes but most importantly, reasons and circumstances we know nothing about. And I have the impression the ease with how fans insult them might stem from (temporarily?) forgetting about that. It's so easy especially on the internet.

I don't know what perception you have of Clear Card and how much of what's been going on reaches other sides of the general Clamp fandom, but in 7 years and half many things changed, and I changed my perception too.

It might be absurd to think about that now, but there was a period early on when I also thought Clear Card could be here only as a commercial opportunity and I couldn't feel the love in the story. Turns out, I was probably influenced by external factors but most importantly, I hadn't reached the core of the story yet. I hadn't touched what was one of the biggest thematics they would talk about and I didn't understand yet what they were trying to do with this series, what risks they've taken to develop and portray properly those parts (like creating new characters that had importance and influence on the plot as much as the main character herself).

It's been 7 long, bumpy and difficult years of complaints in & out the CCS fandom, and the English official translation didn't help at all since it skewed most of the portrayal of the new characters. Now the last volume is out and I'm checking the comments of the Japanese fans, and lots of people who had dropped the series for the reasons I told you before are now satisfied with how the series ended.

A character in Clear Card says "when given the reason to change, no one can ever stay the same" and that's something we really need to remember more often. People, things, situations change. And what initially was discussed as just a one-shot to promote the start of the anime project, quickly changed into a full fledged and complex manga series. Ohkawa was probably struck with inspiration for a good story and thought it would've been a pity to develop it only through an anime, she wanted for them to tell that story with their own hands.

I also want to quickly address something you said in your reblog that I hadn't seen before.

For a lack of a better word, "fetish" to me means everything that encompasses your inclinations when you read a story. Those that make you go 😍 about it. It can be anything, big hands, wide shoulders, even kisses or the request for a wedding: I've seen over the years the most disparate complaints and even insults, sometimes, over those things. Like how Clamp didn't know how to draw anymore just because they didn't stay stuck in the past with their 90's shoulders and their art style is constantly changing depending on the themes of the story. It should be something to praise them for, because they're evolving and always keeping up to date with the trends, they're not stagnant.

I'm not saying we can't wish to see those things in their stories, what I said is that we can't expect them to live and work in the function of satisfying those requests for us. They should be free to write and draw what they really want to portray.

If I was able to make you see another side of the situation, I can only be glad about it! Thank you for your ask.

[gothmileena]

honestly lowkey surprised to see how many people reacting negatively to the trailer? ive been saying to friends that we don’t really know much of anything yet, other than this basically being a partial roster reveal and a confirmation of what we’ve all suspected since mk11 ended (fresh timeline) so that’s not really much of a surprise either. Imo the biggest thing here was a release date + preorder announcement. (Speaking of, I don’t believe Shang Tsung will end up being a preorder only bonus. Dlc? Oh yeah absolutely but I can’t see them restricting him like that. If anything it’ll just be a waiting period before the rest of us get our hands on him.) We don’t even know which Sub Zero that was lmao there’s still really not much story knowledge to be had.

We’ll definitely be getting more information the closer we get to the release date, whether via official channels or leaks, and with that I’ll form more of a solid anticipatory opinion on my expectations but right now it feels too early to go anywhere past ‘oh shit new game this year!’ because we really don’t. Have anything outside of that? Unless some of y’all have inside sources you aren’t sharing djfkfkf in which case, sharing is caring.

I’m excited to potentially see more of Edenia and I’m really curious about what Liu Kang’s version of events will look like. I’m also wondering if they end up pulling something similar to Dark Raiden with Human Raiden where it only lasts for like like half an hour and then he’s normal again, I think that’d be a bit funny. If they let me run around and explore I will be absolutely fucking Delighted. If they have some sort of create a fighter thing going on? (Liu Kang’s voiceover maybe might possibly have hinted it?? Could just be wishful thinking on my end) I would be even more thrilled if that were the case. The tag team thing from what I understand of it now does confuse me a bit, and if given the choice I’d prefer a larger roster over a tag in format, but like I said, I’ll hold off on any strong feelings about that until I see more of it.

Also I think I’m more relaxed about the announcements for this franchise because it’s not like a new timeline completely negates the old one. Normally time travel and its related tropes kill my interest on arrival, but with mk it always struck me as more exploratory than anything else. What I’m saying is you can still vibe with other timelines more than the new one and they’re all still equally canon since they exist separately. 30 years of canon would be an unholy mess to keep track of if they intended to have it all be continuous, from a storytelling perspective having multiple timelines was probably the best choice they could have made with the circumstances given.

Idk I’m just interested to see where this goes and excited to see more from this universe, and it feels like some people are just determined to find something to pick apart no matter what. There will be more than enough space for criticism once we get the final product, a two minute cinematic showing off a partial roster and what will almost definitely be some fatalities isn’t enough to go off of yet. I’ll definitely be finding something in the new game to latch onto in canon and have fun with & I’m looking forward to seeing what aspects of it end up resonating with me in the end

[ladymorghul]

Just to make it clear I didn’t mean people are being dramatic because they’re getting attacked. Of course everyone is allowed to defend themselves and no one should ever be attacked over fictional characters. And this is exactly why I said everyone is a bit too dramatic because on one side as a Helaemond I get hated for being a Helaemond and on the other side I get excluded for not agreeing or liking the "Helaena’s children are Aemond’s" theory. The fandom in general is such a mess and everyone is so on edge about every little thing. Fact is not one ship in Hotd is unproblematic. Whether it’s Alysmond, Helaemond or Helaegon all three of these ships have some kind of sketchy vibe on them. Though I have to disagree that everyone should suddenly be okay or comfortable with incest just because it’s one aspect of the show. I mean rape, misogyny and other bad things are also inherent to the show but that doesn’t mean we have to like or be comfortable with it. A large age-gap is not the same as incest imo so again I do understand why not everyone is on board with Helaemond or any other incest ship for that matter. What’s not okay is to attack someone because they ship it. I think the only ship that really really makes me uncomfortable and that actually deserves the hate it gets is Lucemond tbh.

well, if it helps, you won't get hate from me for not believing the children theory or not wanting it to be true specifically as i wasn't its biggest rider either. i mean i've always considered it a realistic possibility, but as an alicent fan i cringed at the amount of hate that would double because of it because she's a "hypocrite", even tho the circumstances are different from viserys.

i've gradually came to embrace it and just psychologically prepare myself to get jumped for still standing in my girl's corner.

however recently i've also started to post about it just because of people see it as a reason to bully others. like you will have people post that picture of that supposed jaehaera casting next to aemond and say something really mild like "copy paste" and get death threats but a post that puts her next to aegon and says "she got x from her dad" doesn't. imagine if i started commenting about people also supposedly "romantcizing incest" and lowkey dismissing the possibile dub con of jaehaera's existance as a child of a forced marriage and use this to say really shitty stuff like "go kys" and "stop using children to fulfill your nasty fantasies"

so because i always saw it as a realistic direction the show could take i said fuck it, let's post some about this and spite some people. because hypocritical bullies should get pushed back down on their asses every time.

(however if it does become canon, i'll likely be in these kids' corner trying to protect them from b&c and discourse w my bare hands 😂)

but still... i don't think the hate one might get for being a helaemond shipper but not a children theory supporter (whoever sent you hate / bullied you over that sucks) compres to the hate campaign ran against helaemonds as a whole for months by alysm*nds. and now by helaeg*ns too.

gonna have to disagree w the incest aspect tho simply bc many if not most antis who hate helaem*nd support helaeg*n or some other form of incest, like aegond, rhaemond, etc. in fact i had someone try to explain to me that it's not the same thing if they're cousins. and still, i would hope that universally anti incest uncomfortable people would spend their time blocking and muting rather than, idk, sending anon hate. seems more productive to me.

anyway this is getting long but i think my bottom line is this: i get that you probably had some experience maybe that you felt you were sidelined for not believing in the children theory and i think that's valid, but looking at the bigger picture, the helaem*nd fandom is, for a lack of a better word, stressed out and while i myself have my own gripes w opinions of other helaem*nds on certain things, i also kind of get how things can get tense

but to come back to this: if you don't think that the children are aemond's, or don't want them to be aemond's, that's fine with me!

[dinosaurchurch]

It's hard having to think about what comes when the sun sets or when the curtain closes for the last time. Death is inevitably part of life whether we like it or not, it's not always clear when one's time comes but that's why it's important to cherish what you have currently.

For the longest time a part of me wanted to say I was mad at the man that I called 'father' once but I don't think I can. I'm not someone who likes to back down but there's even a point that after everything that's happened and the rocky times we've had I didn't want to see him suffer, not in the way he did. I didn't think it would've dragged out this long, four months is a hell of a long time to be a former shadow of yourself knowing you could go at any point.

It's bizarre watching everything unfold from what seemed like I was beyond a glass window. I don't talk much about my emotions that I hide underneath or really like to flaunt them for someone to tell just by looking at my face but I've had a lot of thoughts on this whole thing. How I'm sad at the outcome that current circumstances is what turned out to be the bitter end; maybe it was me being hopeful that things would've healed before we got to this point and I could once again look at the man I fondly remembered as a child but that doesn't seem to be the case.

There's a lot of little actions that leave the loudest impressions on people. Things that you probably wouldn't of thought twice about normally. I've mulled over the negative long enough that I had with my father especially during the course of the last several years where we had drifted apart to the point I didn't hardly breathe a word to him for two years. I want to hopefully focus on the good going forward and the positive impact that he had on me even if it was because of negative events - the lessons I learned for myself not to make the same mistakes. That was something that really clicked with me during the first quarter of 2023. Now that the inevitable is around the corner it almost feels surreal.

It's the funny, little stuff that comes to mind when I look back on my childhood with my father. Having ravioli for breakfast straight from the tin, waiting in line for him to do his banking while I played with my power ranger figurines, seeing the phantom menace in theatre and having to wake him up before the finale of the film, playing Atari games, going on long car rides with Styx or Journey playing in the background, even getting up early for Sunday breakfast of fried eggs, toast, and bacon were all things I cherished from my childhood although not all of them I appreciated at the time what I gained from life's simple pleasures. There's a lot more I could mention but those are just some that pop into mind when I think about growing up with my father.

After all of this time I wonder where did this go? Did I grow up losing my childhood spark - that rosy lens or did things really become as bad as I thought. I think the biggest thing I'm going to miss left a long time ago, it's a crazy thought to tell myself that I feel like I've already said goodbye to someone who was still here. There's times where I ask if there really was anything I could've done but then I realize that even if I could've done more, would it really of mattered in the long run? I cannot blame myself for someone who didn't utilize the potential they had but at the same time I can't entirely fault someone for giving way to being human either. Everyone has pros and cons - myself included.

It's really up to those of us who are still here to carry the torch onto making life a little better if we can. That's why death hurts so much even if you weren't close because you know that there was someone who was. It's part of what makes humanity so special is the empathy and the love we feel for our fellow man, the hardest struggles bind us - makes people realize that we do in fact need one another to move forward even if we don't want to admit that.

I think that's why this hurts even if I told myself I had already said goodbye and that I was done mourning. You never really are, everyone on your journey leaves their mark - even if it's just a footnote at the bottom, it's still there and that's what mattered.

I don't think I would be the same person without my father in my life, the good or the bad that's for sure. I would've liked to say the sunset was gold like it was in the movies but nothing is like the movies.

Until we meet again...

[ray-talks]

3/28/24

i missed yesterday's entry.

there wasn't much of a reason for it -- i was just too tired and didn't feel like writing.

food restriction has been okay. i ate little yesterday and purged it. i had to eat more today and was unable to purge it (due to circumstance). but i guess it doesn't really matter since it's no longer a "mark against progress". i considered just saying "fuck it" and let myself eat more, but i didn't do it, because there wouldn't be a point to that either. if i am forced to eat, so be it. but within my choice, i'd rather not, i'd rather experience the ache of hunger, i'd rather be left void and unsatisfied. i wonder if this is a more convincing motivation for me to starve. i had been coming at it with a drive to lose weight and to work to a certain goal weight. perhaps it was ineffective because it is not something that truly mattered to me. it was just an arbitrary goal to fulfil a purpose that was underdeveloped.

the purpose i wanted to establish was a sense of accomplishment in my life, but eventually i realized that a "sense of accomplishment in my life" is not something that matters to me or could be even attainable. i think i was trying to convince myself to care wholeheartedly about something, but it wasn't particularly successful. i suppose what i do return to time and time again is the comfort of self-destruction. i have never strayed from that trajectory and it has always been a reliable one. with my earlier motivations i was trying to find a silver lining somewhere that doesn't really bode well with my nature, or at least, what comes easiest. i was making things much too complicated. perhaps i'll find starving myself to be easier if it is in service of simply being a detriment to myself. i won't be plaguing myself with shame and guilt if i do eat/am forced to eat. it doesn't really matter much. i am not losing anything. it's just that i think it is best for me to starve. so i shall choose that option when it is presented. it may seem pointless to purge with this mentality, but in my mind, it is an unpleasant, and painstaking act, so it does entail a level of misery that i'll keep just for the sake of it. i doubt that this makes much sense to anyone -- and probably seems utterly meaningless -- but this is how i will be doing things.

i am considering if i should stop taking my medications. i hadn't thought about it much before. my excuse then was that i didn't want to become so depressed that i would no longer care about my weight loss goal. that is not as much of a factor. the biggest barrier against it now is that i would undoubtably undergo severe withdrawal symptoms. i have in the past with psychiatric medications and it would be worse now, considering i would be going cold turkey off of five different medications. what makes it worse is that i would have to hide that i am experiencing withdrawal. i live with my family and could not act suspiciously. i'd have to engage with daily tasks as normal and attend school as normal, which would be hard to do if i have the equivalent of debilitating migraine for days. it could be possible that it could be worse than that, but i think to anticipate that would be too paranoid. another factor is that i am not in charge of my medications -- my parents are. i am not allowed direct access to them, so they give them to me by hand. they don't make me take them in front of them necessarily, but i'd have to at least give the illusion i had taken them at some point. i think i could circumnavigate this though without too much difficulty. maybe i'll try missing doses and see how the withdrawals feel and whether i can wave it away.

the reason i wish to do this is because i want to get worse. i don't know how else to put it. i think that if i let my mental state worsen, i'll be more likely to go through with things that i have been planning but have been hesitant to do. there's a possibility that stopping my medications won't change me at all, and it may be proven that my medications never had much of an effect on me to begin with. but i would guess it probably does effect me in some way. additionally, i have mentioned this before, but i am being forced to do this "transcranial magnetic stimulation" thing, and perhaps this is a petty manner of rebelling against that by resisting treatment in an undetectable way. i am unsure of when i should start attempting this -- i could start immediately or wait a few days. my hesitation is about withdrawal. i would not appreciate being deeply unwell and have to go about as usual. but i'll have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

there is more i could go on about. yesterday was dreadful because i had therapy, which is a drain and a waste of time. but it likely doesn't matter much to recount my gripes with it. so, i'll leave it out. this entry is already quite exhaustive.

to anyone who reads this, i wish you a good day.

[idealisticrealism]

Awe that is actually so thoughtful of you. But yes it was just like being slapped in the face. This is such a non significant thing but I got really excited because I saw that we share birthday and I never read about a celeb with my birthday, then boom!. Then finding out he has such young kids, man. And yes, like you say I just got a new obsession and I'm going to be honest, Aram was on of the biggest reasons for me enjoying it so much, so I'm not 100% sure if I want to continue, but it may just like you say take some time to digest that he won't be back because I for sure have not accepted that. He played it so freaking well, that line between seeing that he is a mob guy who does bad things but also has a sweet nature to him. Because usually in this series either they do too much on one, and the sweetness doesn't feel genuine. But I think bringing up his background and then Thory/Nadia working together is a good way to continue it without him. I mean I do agree with you that I liked in S2 that it wasn't like "Oh so Thory and Arman are together now" but we got to see them grew a stronger bond. But, that scene where they are alone, they are both not in a relationship anymore and he says he doesn't want to leave her alone. Like man, that deserved a kiss haha. That seems like a very healthy take, like I do like most of the plots but somethings gets a bit too much for me, and also as a health care professional, man some of those bug the hell out of me like they do when there is any medicine involved on screen. Like there is noooo way you could use a ventilator in a chapel, you need to connect it to oxygen flow. But in those cases, I just make up my own stories in my head and pretend that is what happened haha and I'm happy.

Haha oh man the amount of ranting I have done about the medical stuff in this show... Thony's resus of Kamdar in his club in 2x10 is the pinnacle for me, like omg how many things can be portrayed incorrectly in just one single scene. But because I love this show so much I generally just do my best to turn my medical brain off and just roll with whatever happens whenever I watch it, mostly for my own sanity haha

I can definitely relate to what you said about the scene in 2x08 with the two of them alone at her house... I think I even read somewhere that the writers considered having Armony hook up in that scene, but then obviously ultimately decided against it. Tbh given that he then has to go back to Nadia only hours later, I'm actually kinda glad they didn't do anything more than hug! Still, I've got a fic or two drafted about an alternative version of that scene, and hopefully I'll eventually get around to posting them one day lol.

I also agree 100% that the show did an amazing job with creating Arman's character, and keeping that realistic balance of hard exterior and soft heart. I have a genuine love for all the main characters in this show, but Arman really captured me, and he quickly became one of my favourite characters of all time. And of course Adan did an incredible job portraying him, and his chemistry with Elodie was just off the charts. The show will absolutely never be the same without Arman/Adan, and that's something I'm still coming to terms with.

And I don't think it's silly that you were excited about sharing something in common with Adan; I think that having innocent little connections like that to the people behind the media we love is absolutely part of the fun, though the flip side to that is that if something bad happens with them, it can feel more personal. I encountered Adan on a plane once in 2022, and now what was once an awesome and delightful memory just makes me sad. And of course the fact that he was so young and had such little kids has been a really challenging aspect of it for all of us, because no matter our specific family circumstances, a loss like that hits a little too close to home.

Anyway, regardless of whether you do watch s3, if you're ever missing Arman you can always come over to Ao3 and find him there. At least in fic he can live on ❤