#i think ill be able to understand some of it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moldytiramisu · 3 days ago

Text

𝕾𝖎𝖑𝖊𝖓𝖙 𝖍𝖎𝖑𝖑

In my restless dreams, I see that town.

Silent hill.

You promised me you'd take me there again someday. But you never did. Well, I'm alone there now... Waiting for you... Waiting for you to come and see me. But you never do. And so I wait, wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. I know I've done a terrible thing to you. Something you'll never forgive me for. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I feel so pathetic and ugly laying here, waiting for you... Everyday I stare up at the cracks in the ceiling all I can think about is how unfair it all is... The doctor came today. He told me I could go home for a short day. It's not that I'm getting better. It's just that this may be my last chance... I think you know what I mean... Even so, I'm glad to be coming home. I've missed you terribly. But I'm afraid, James, I'm afraid you don't really want me to come home. Whenever you come see me, I can tell how hard it is on you. I don't know if you hate me or pity me... Or maybe I just disgust you... I'm sorry about that. When I first learned that I was going to die, I just didn't want to accept it. I was so angry all the time and I struck out everyone I loved most. Especially you, James. That is why I understand if you do hate me. But I want you to know this, James. I'll always love you. Even though our life together had to end like this, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. We had some wonderful years together. Well, this letter has gone on too long, so I'll say goodbye. I told the nurse to give this to you after I'm gone. That means as you read this, I'm already dead. I can't tell you to remember me, but I can't bear for you to forget me. These last few years since I became ill... I'm so sorry for what I did to you, did to us... You've given me so much and I haven't been able to return a single thing. That's why I want you to live for yourself now. Do what's best for you, James.

James... You made me happy.

37 notes · View notes

tf2heritageposts · 3 days ago

Note

may you offer some headcanons for heavy in these trying times. the only reason im not shitspiralling is because i had work and literally no time to think about it ill be real as hell

of course, and this is to everyone: if you need any support please feel free to dm me. i love you all

as for some heavy headcanons

he really loves detective novels. SPECIFICALLY boy detective novels like hardy boys or encyclopedia brown. why you may ask? when the team was first being set up and they were all moving into the base, scout brought along his from when he was younger. heavy, still learning english, found one of the books in the common room and actually enjoyed the parts he could understand and put the rest together himself. he started using the simpler books to help him learn how to read english since he was only really able to speak it and not read it, and scout ended up (against his will) giving heavy his collection. heavy does still read them from time to time

him and sniper have a tradition where every monday they try to find the weirdest meat and rate it on various scales. their current favorite is alligator

he's actually pretty nearsighted and does need glasses, but he thinks they look silly on him and get rid of his threatening aura. medic has proven to him otherwise so he does sometimes put them on

#not a heritage post

36 notes · View notes

milkshakeworm · 25 days ago

Text

great idea i had for a fic:

when jayce's around 26, he and Viktor are testing out some new way to contain the crystals' energy when a fuse blows up and the prototype explodes. this was pretty standard for them, so Viktor doesn't really react to the explosion apart from the original finch and blowing out a breath. He lets out his usual "you alright?" not even looking at jayce as he dusts himself down

jayce doesn't reply.

he's face down on the ground, unmoving. That is the worst day of Viktor's life.

A big chunk of the frame had hit him square in the jaw but the impact against the ground had been what had knocked him out. The doctors said it took them two hours to fish out all the crystal fragments off his face and neck, said that there might be some still under his skin, but that they were not harmful.

jayce sleeps for two weeks and three days.

he wakes up on a Tuesday. Viktor is working, sitting on a chair by the window, just beside him. He has not slept for days. One second he is reading his notes and the next he's glancing at his partner to find him sitting up, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. Viktor puts his notes aside and straightens his back, ready to stand up, but the movement startles jayce so bad a finch almost knocks him off the bed. When he locks eyes with Viktor he looks terrified, like a bunny in front of a wolf. Then they relax. Then Viktor could swear he can see grief in them.

jayce throws himself off the bed, towards Viktor, falls to his knees trying to stand up and crawls his way so, so quickly towards him. Jayce collapses over Viktor's lap, clinging to him and mumbling things Viktor cant make out.

with a shaky hand, Viktor hugs him back. It scares the shit out of him.

and after that we have a like, Victor Frankenstein and Henry Clerval kind of situation in which, it is explained throughout the fic (to a reader that understands this because of the events of the show, but not to viktor) that when he was unconscious jayce had been trapped in one, or maybe more, of the bad realties like the one from ep 7.

jayce is so distraught from what he has seen inside the arcane he spends the summer bedridden, he suffers from night terrors and fevers (ejem ejem Frankenstein ep5 BUT jayce is victor and viktor is henry and not the other way around because how FUN is that change of dynamics??) and Viktor takes care of him.

i think a good way to end this would be a scene where jayce asks Viktor something like "you are still working on hextech, aren't you?" and with a heavy heart Viktor replies that he is. Jayce tells him that he does not want him to, but its said with no energy, melancholically. Viktor goes on about how he would make sure that the things jayce saw would NEVER happen. Jayce just looks..... defeated. He says that he cannot stop Viktor and then the reader understands that jayce, truly does not have the strength to stop Viktor OR to leave Viktor. so he just. stays. knowing.

and they repeat the cycle all the same, and they have the same exact ending.

#jayvik #arcane #long post #kinda???#okay so the like 80% of this fic would just be Viktor comforting jayce and aaaaggghhh i think its so interesting!!!!!#to have them switch dynamics making Viktor worry about jayce and maybe even some scenes with like #jayce saying hes not made of glass when viktor worries a bit too much and Viktor just #having this realisation that #like suddenly understanding jayce when he used to worry about Viktor because of his disability AND understanding jayce at that very moment #maybe even better than anyone #and STILL not being able to give jayce what he needs to heal because he cannot let go of hextech #nor find a middle ground between comfort and worry #i don't think ill ever actually write this whole thing cus ive got like no time and im already working on four fics but #its good i think

21 notes · View notes

angelnumber27 · 8 months ago

Text

It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.

#I fucking hate having bpd #while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you #I feel so stupid #I feel so stupid for believing all the lies #but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist #I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed #it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time #I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead #it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid #being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world #for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately #like that was the plan all along #he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day #I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me #i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him #I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me #not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together #I’ll never be that beautiful again #and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over #it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all #he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up #nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken #it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover #I deserved it but it still hurts my heart #I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me #there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other #but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked #why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient

47 notes · View notes

sunnys-aesthetic · 4 months ago

Text

imo shoot me dead i guess but some of you are getting a bit too comfortable posting some back end cannibalism stuff for cotl art i was previously 'ok yeah cool!' bc i understood the dark themes of the game! and how it had a ritual for it. but uh oh.

#small vent? im more like perturbed than anything.#i just saw something that actually kind of felt disturbing to me for the first time #so now im just uh!! ok!#personal #sunny rambles #love the game but im putting the fandom just a bit more at arms distance from what ive been seeing going around #ill still update the au!! just aaa ill have to see what ill do!!#and i understand and admire art to be able to inspire/scare/disturb a person n i think thats so rad #but ill just have to be muting some stuff cotl wise on personal preference so for those waiting for some cotl art and see less thats whyjgh

10 notes · View notes

moghedien · 1 year ago

Text

i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking

#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful #if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu'#I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL #ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS #PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER #i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair #its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted'#and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you #and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu #NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE #figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life #and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES #but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me)#knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me #and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily #like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them #and telling them they don't is beyond cruel

34 notes · View notes

lususnatura · 7 months ago

Text

i just have one more thing to say about him before i go to sleep, and that's this: i've been thinking about making blamore an herbalist that's partially self-taught + also had asked someone to also teach him about it and i think i'm going to do it. because i think it would really fit for his character, since blamore would likely do it as a way to try to find out ways to ease its own pain (particularly his nerve pain) at first. but... all i can imagine now is blamore stumbling across someone's muse in the event that they are friends and them being injured / in pain.

and as a result, it would want to try to help alleviate them of their suffering; so if they had burns and/or cuts, then he'd rub a herbal salve into their skin where it was affected to help treat them. and maybeee he'd give them a bath or something in yarrow if they had a fever because it has been shown to have REALLY good anti-pyretic (anti-fever) abilities. so i basically just imagined it trying to nurse them back to health at least a little bit, and i 😭 i'm putting this on my wishlist on here now because this is just too damn sweet albeit in an angsty way to not do so. but of course, if they were like on death's door or something, then it would definitely just be using some of these herbal cures in the meantime until he could get an medical doctor out there like nico to help them. but it's the thought that counts in the end

#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#yeah so in other words... if your muse is one of blamore's friends then it is going to take care of them alright 😭 though i feel as if him-#using yarrow to lower someone's fever would depend on whether or not he actually had anti-pyretic meds in his greenhouse at the time-#because if it did then blamore would likely just tell them to take some of that since it IS generally easier buttt. Yeah he is absolutely-#the kind of friend to volunteer to watch over them if they're scared as well bc they're really hurt and hold their hand to comfort them-#since it knows that physical touch can be SUCH a reassurance in situations like these as it helped him a lot in particular whenever he-#got shot before it's transformation as he was VERY upset as y'all may be able to imagine because the man's father had just died in front of #them and it didn't want to leave sacha's side even though it was literally bleeding very badly like ;; OMG and i say that touch helped-#him in this situation because it took someone gently patting its back and rubbing circles into it to comfort him to even THINK about lettin #go of his father. so yeahhh i know that's pretty sad BUT it really did not take sacha's death well and understandably so #tw: illness.#tw: injury.#tw: mentions of death.#wishlist.

7 notes · View notes

trees-to-meet-you · 1 year ago

Text

Wait waitwaitwait I just saw something on Pinterest hold on

Was Snufkin deadass not aware he had parents??? Until Moominpappa was telling him about them??? Did he think he just spawned one day what

#the fuck do you mean he didn’t remember his parents??????#how long has he been on his own??????????#i understand that kids simply won’t think to question things they know but like KID. YOU HAD TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE.#moomins #snufkin #the exploits of moominpappa #i am back to being interested in moomins again so im going to finish watching the 90s series #and then i think ill watch the 2019 one and try to find some of the books #maybe ill be able to find the comics too #the real kicker is trying to get my sibling into it #bc i got them into tma easy enough all i had to do was show them fanart of jon being a sad tortured wet cat being kidnapped all the time #but the last time they saw me watching moomins they said he looked scary (baseless accusation?????)#and its not like moomin or snufkin are particularly tortured sad individuals #so i gotta find a new way to appeal to them despite how ‘scary’ moomin looks

13 notes · View notes

puppppppppy · 1 year ago

Text

man ok so you know the spiciness scale on menus that show you how spicy a dish is so you can order based on your tolerance. can we have that for sauces too please

#im being serious btw. the sauce to rice ratio is very important and sacred to me #whenever i eat at home i get to choose how much sauce i can have with my rice because i dont like absolutely dousing it but i still wanna b #able to taste it yanno. i dont do well with slippery/saucy foods and ive given up trying to understand it. it might be a sensory thing #i am so sorry to admit this on the soup website but i cant handle thick/chunky sauces or curry. forgive me #the worst part is that i actually can handle and even enjoy some like caldereta and congee. but its so hard to tell people ill eat this but #not that.. its embarassing because it feels like im making exceptions. which i am!! because its preference!! but alas #but anyway with the sauce scale. i was thinking it would be nice to include a scale for how much sauce you want with a dish #rather than just skirting away from a food because you feel like you cant handle the texture or feel unsure about it #sauce could be adjustable without completely changing the recipe so it would be more like a matter of quantity or serving size #also i feel like i can make cool names for the scale. like “light drizzle” to “sauceageddon”#im asian so when i eat sauce i pair it with rice and it works because the rice kind of cancels out or makes the sauce more tolerable for me #with caldereta i make it an even 50/50 because i can taste it in the rice without the texture getting in the way #but with pasta and sauce its normally 1/3 sauce because the pasta normally isnt enough to cancel it out #i also grew up with relatives making fun of my eating habits and i really really hate eating at restaurants and gatherings because of it #maybe its because they want to make sure im eating right but!! you dont have to call me out for my 1/3 portion of spaghetti sauce!! damn!!!#anyway im not sure if anyone feels the same abt this and maybe its just me. but it would be really nice to have this a normal thing #without judging ppl for their eating habits and preferences. on god #yapping #food ment #EDIT: ASKING FOR SAUCE ON THE SIDE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS A THING

30 notes · View notes

dragons-and-yellow-roses · 4 months ago

Text

I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.

I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.

Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?

#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls #im fine this was just kinda reflective #so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five #but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her #we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it #she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years #and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year #i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me #but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her #i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her #this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in #oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her #we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time #fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but #no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her #and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her #if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers #how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day #god im tired. goodnight

3 notes · View notes

crazyspookies · 2 months ago

Text

ill have to look at the thing again but it's frustrating that i finished the episode and didn't quite understand what happened.

#arcane #ill watch it again when im ready obvs but rigth now #the alternate timelines and timeloops have me confused #like older viktor jesus where did he come from is he a different iteration of viktor that stayed hexxed but not machined heralded #when did whatever iteration of him decide to give every iteration of little jayce a rune when did he have the time to do that #im sorry im thtoopid i don't get ittt #i only understand why they didn't blow up cause i saw someone else explain it #ok im thinking about it now this is what im understanding:#wasn't that encounter what fascinated Jacy into wanting to create magic doesn't it mean that the whole machining #would precisely be avoided if that never happened so what is the point of creating that first meeting #(but if hes machine herald wouldn't he be unable to feel it? does he Not become machine heral in those? but jayce's machined corpse #is still on the roof so?? How does normal looking arcane mage viktor happen where does he come from how does he know what to do)#viktor in every timeline where he wins and fuckall years later hes liek ''hmmm don't like that''#so he goes back in time wiht his arcane powers and just gives different runes to jayce to see if something works?#he's known him for years so he kows this is a timeloop so eh only changes that every single rune and sees what happens??#until he gets to the acceleration rune that ekko uses to fuck up time and gives jayce enough time to be liek yo baby don't do this ur perfe #and jayce hugs him and victor is able to see what the world n his life is like in all those other timelines and hes like damn that sucks #and something something about them activating the acceleration + ekko¡s inversion of the rune of his device does some sciency thing #and they shoomp hand in unedited hand out of existence sacrificing themselves so that everything doesnt go boom #still though if jayce Had died in the snow wouldn't all this have been avoided #like sorry honey boo but also deos this mean that viktor is like yeah no im saving him anyway #or does it mean that it being a timeloop it just HAS to happen or the universe blows up or soemthing¿¿¿

4 notes · View notes

thetangibleghost · 3 months ago

Text

Does anyone understand how to organize. Like how to make it work. Like how to keep spaces clean and your body clean? Does anyone know how to fight back the ever stronger rip tide of filth and clutter that takes over them? Also I'm sleepy.

#i barely have any belongings here and i still live in a fucking mess #i can barely work on my computer because the files are so disorganized. i think im just too stupid to have a good job #and like not to be one of those but i was in gifted. like the implication here was that i would beable to like. bare minimum make it.#and im nooooooooottttttt im not maaakiiiiiinnnnggg ittttt. im runing out of optionnnnnnnsssss #maybe ill just move back to the US and load boxes for fed ex again #but that also ended in my living space becoming almost unlivable #i like. i do t get how people do all these things and no body like can seem to fucking tell me why its so fucking impossible for me D:#like i TRY i really do fucking try. i dont understand. it makes me want to just fucking kill my self no joke. like i no matter what i do i #cant keep a space clean. i cant keep anything nice i break everything i touch and i fail everything i try because something Bout me is just #broken! and bobidy fucking cares! i dont want to be like this. i want to have plants and i wanna smell nice and i want my room to be pretty #and not have fucking bigs all the time #i dont understand i feel like im some fucking avatar for the filth magnusarchives style likw everything about me is dirty #i rot everything i touch. i #legit crying now lol. i just want to be able to be a human. i dont feel like a human. humans care about their environment they can keep #spaces clean. human organize naturally. why am i not human like that?

2 notes · View notes

fullmetall · 6 months ago

Text

thinking abt hohenheim 2day