#i think ill be able to understand some of it
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Also came here to talk about The Will To Change
If someone grows up in an environment where they are told by parents, teachers, friends, community leaders, and neighbors that they are not supposed to express their emotions (save for anger) it fucks them up. bell hooks' thesis is that this is traumatic and limits the ways in which someone is able to understand and react to their own emotions. While other marginalized groups experience this to some extent, this kind of abuse is often experienced by men and is patriarchal in the sense that it is meant to reinforce gender separation, which leads to a gendered hierarchy, which benefits the patriarchy.
Anyone can reinforce this line of thinking. "Man up, boys don't cry," "Stop being such a girl. You bitch about everything," and "Don't like what I said? Well you're a man, so deal with it" are all patriarchal sentiments. This line of thinking, if internalized, leads to a lot of men not seeking help for illness, addiction, abusive relationships, and can lead to isolationism. Anyone who is isolated becomes vulnerable to those peddling cult-like thinking because those peddlers are also offering a sense of community.
So what do we do about this? Even those who try to raise their sons without gendered expectations still find their son shamed into repression by those outside the family. One of the ways to address the prolonged trauma that leads to isolation is to make sure that men have a space to talk about their emotions. When feminists encourage this it's not them saying "We must coddle the most misogynistic of men" it's them saying "There are men who want to escape repressive rhetoric and we should offer a space for them to do that." And it is feminist to acknowledge that those who reinforce a gendered separation (e.g. talking about men as if they are monolith/hive mind that must be severely punished for the patriarchy) are actively making things worse.
When it comes to an individual's trauma, other people don't get to decide when or how that person acknowledges it or heals from it. That traumatized person needs to acknowledge that they have been hurt and decide what they are going to do about it, if they will continue ignoring it or if they will try to heal. Those who try to heal should be given the space to do so, and creating this space is both a feminist and humanist endeavor.
Nooo mutual don’t put that “men fall down the alt-right pipeline bc women/feminists are too mean” post on my dash nooo mutual don’t try to say women need to be nicer when dealing with misogynistic men nooo mutual nooo
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I dont CARE that it's November 9th and "Halloweens over" ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH ILL POST IF I WANT TOO
Anyway.
Thinking about apocolpse au.
Wade getting bitten by a zombie, Logan freaking out, Wade dying, and him coming back (Again)
"Didn't you just die?? I literally fucking burried you!!"
And wades like:
"Of course. Man, God REALLY hates you dosn't he?"
And he's bassically the same person except just saying, "Rahhah har ran re" (translation: I think the devil doesn't want me either)
"What?? Oh for fucks sake... tell me you're kidding.."
"Rah?" 🤔
"Great so now you stink more and you can't talk. Fucking lovely."
"Mmmmh..." 🥺 (would you still love me if I was a zombie?)
"*sighs, blushes and grumbles how insane this is and how much of a bad idea this is* Fine! Come on...."
"Raah!!" 😄
And sometimes his limbs fall off because I think it would be funny if you just saw him stop, turn around, pick up his arm and shove it back into place like a dislocated shoulder. (Marvel Magic)
But its very obvious that Wade is still consious and so logan leads him around, puts a leash on him, ties him up when he goes to sleep the first few nights so wade dosn't eat him, sometimes luring him with a piece of his thigh or telling him he'll feed him soon to make him behave.
The only thing about this resource wise is that it seems Wade is a bottomless pit, not ever able to get enough. It's like all the nutrients just pass right through him, so he can't get fed meals daily, but Logan will share at least one bite of his food. It makes Wade so happy and way more "wade like" than zombie.
Logan has learned that the hungrier Wade gets the worse it would be, snapping at logan a few times.
"Grr-"
"Aye! That's enough outta ya"
"GggRah!"
"Hey!! I said no! Bad! Bad wade!"
"Mmmh??"
"Bad!!"
"Mmh....rahah.."
"I forgive you. But stop trying to bite me. I feed you, don't I? I hold your hand and tell you that I love you?"
Wade is actually extremely friendly for a zombie (duh) and still yaps at logan except its nonsense. Logan tries hard to understand him and talk back.
He holds his hand sometimes, even lays next to him only to scold him if he gets too bitey. This is hard because wade already had a biting issue and seeing as he practically ate anything or anybody now it was more difficult.
"...aahh-"
"Wade- No."
"Ggr.. raahh"
"Wade! No! Bad."
"Mmmh..."
"Ill feed you tomarrow. Don't bite me mkay? You wanna hurt me?"
He shakes his head like a dog shaking off from a bath, or that ate a bee.
"Then don't bite me."
"Mmh? Mrah?"
"No. No kisses right now. Im still not even sure if thats safe.."
"Mmmh...🥺 ahrrah?"
"No, not even a tiny one."
"Mm...😔"
Until Logan grunts and pecks his hand. "There. Happy?"
"🙂↕️mh"
"Good."
Honestly Logan felt bad, pitited him. No matter what food he ate it wasnt enough substance to sustain him and sometimes Logan would wake up to find him eating a different zombie that made the mistake of trying to eat Logan.
You ever wake up in the morning, lose your zombie boyfriend, call for him only to walk outside and see him knawing on some poor chaps arm like a happy puppy who found a chicken leg? Logan has. Many times. And he wishes his phone would charge so he could take a picture of it but unfortunately theres no electricity in the post apocalypse world.
This being said Logan is like- THE perfect guy for apocalypse au because he can smell everything and hear anyone before they even get to you, he has better wilderness survival skills then anyone I know and he'll never NOT have a weapon on him because of his claws. The only downside is that he's tired easily, needs a lot of food, and would lowkey be withdrawing from his tabccao and alchool, therefore very moody.
"Stupid fucking apocalypse having to happen when im fucking alive!! Why can't I just NOT live through ONE major historical event! Is that too fucking much to ask? One damn decade where everything is fine and dandy and- WADE! Get your ass away from that!! It's radioactive!! For fucks sake!"
"Rahahrah?"
"NO!! You can not become Spiderman! That's not how that works!"
"Aawr..😔"
The whole thing is they're on a quest to find Laura and Gabby, because when everything went to shit, they were on a cabin trip and now Logans brain is itching because he dosn't know where his babies are and its driving him insane. Once he finds them, they're gonna shack up somewhere with food and animals to hunt, and hes gonna make a little shed outside for Wade to sleep because he'll kill him if he bites one of the girls.
He dosnt care that much about himself really and he hates himself deep down for not being able to trust wade anymore but even wade dosnt trust wade, sometimes wandering off on purpose, staying about 30 feet away from him at all times, growling and giving Logan that glazed over look of unconsiousness. The only good thing about this, though, is after he removes himself from the idea of hurting Logan (because if logaj were to become infected - HA! Your all fucked. Utterly fucked. The whole humanoid species would go extinct because he'd kill anything that moved) he feels more trusting of him and it's not uncommon for them to hug after either. Afterall Wade- Some how???- is still wade and is very affectionate and sensitive when its not returned.
This whole thing also makes him think worse about himself, kicking reflective objects or staring at himself in a shop window in utter shock and disgust with a face of 'thats me..?' While logans raiding the place for supplies.
Did you know zombies can cry? Well, Wade could. Not a lot, only able to get a bit of liquid from dehydration, but sometimes Logan will catch him just... sitting there.. crying. Upset with himself for being bit. Upset with himself for trying to bite logan all the time. Upset at how ugly he is. Upset that he's starving all the time. Upset that he can't even talk to anyone, and Logan just has to guess what he's saying 90% of the time. Bro is literally
When they DO find Laura and Gabby, the girls are doing great. Laura was going to blow wades head off until Gabby ran in the shot, hugging him instantly, only to be ripped away.
"Of course my dad is the weirdo married to a zombie." Laura grunts, but is secrelty happy that wade is still 'alive'
Gabby, being as young as she is, thinks it's so SICK that her dad is a zombie now, giggling when he talks to her and holding his hand. She's not allowed near him for long, and not at all by herself, but Gabby bassically becomes Wades number one supporter, defending him when he messes up and snaps at laura.
"He's just hungry!! He's not bad! It's not bad to be hungry!" She'll say. "You wouldn't kill me if I was hungry.." she tells her bigger, more survival oriented sister whos suggested putting wade out of his misery, for his own sake. "I tried that... he found me again 3 days later." Logan tells her with a pang in his chest. It had taken everything in him to kill him the first time, and sobbed himself to sleep the next 2 days. By the third when he noticed Wade following him from a distance he couldn't believe it.
Not even the apocalypse could keep them away from each other..
#post apocalyptic#apocalypse au#laura kinney#gabby kinney#zombie boyfriend#its giving#lisa frankenstein#zombie au#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadclaws#if youre wondering how he got bit it was puppins
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i'm gonna sound SO stupid but I need to know what the HELL that snuggle ending was about. I feel like I'm just holding onto a thread of understanding. Like, I feel like I'm able to comprehend what happened but that's just unconsciously. If someone asked for me to explain it then I cannot. SO WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!
under the cut you're getting the short answer and then a longer one with some lines straight from the script (both contain spoilers)
with the base of the wing made of wood surrounded by intestine, his body couldn't reject what was foreign. it forcibly tried to assimilate the wing and that's why he ended up rotting (dying)
bones, organs can be assimilated by his body while wood can't
but why didn't this happen with the little branch + intestine test then?
because it wasn't as big and heavy, his body wouldn't react so fast, so badly and because the organ didn't fully trap the branch in
(see when he sews the intestine around the actual branch, he makes sure it's properly sewn/covered)
now ill be bringing up a couple lines
starting with the ones right before the branching
first sentence there, she was on the right track! but right after, her thoughts shift because of what eric taught her (not physically, he did not break her bones), and because of how she views bones as weak. if weak and flawed humans have them, they can't be that strong now can they?
she's not objective and she doesn't test any more than that. after the eric line she simply lets him choose because she herself doesn't feel like she can/should
there you learn that nothing is visibly wrong, yet clearly something must be.
this goes back to the fact that the foreign is completely trapped between the intestine and his body (see silly drawings). nothing is showing there because the rotting is still happening inside for now, it hasn't spread enough to be visible on his skin
but how do you actually know that he's rotting inside? well!
opening him up leads you to the answer!
that "rotten cage of his" comes from eric thinking 'starling isn't that much better, he has bad intentions, he won't let you free' but it also hints at a) rot being the cause of starling's current state and b) his ribcage weakening, decaying
it's confirmed right when she's able to break his bones to fit in!
(slightly unrelated but i am a bit obsessed with this idea of breaking a cage to willingly trap yourself/be a part of something)
as for his death itself, it's confirmed by the lines that follow and of course eric had to blame her for it ("How suffocating.") right after she put her cheek on one of his lungs...
i could go on for longer but ill stop there before this gets too out of hand
hope that answered the question and if it didn't, feel free to tell me!
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do you think god stays in heaven, because he too hates the bnha manga's ending?
#bnha#boku no hero academia#boku no hero academia ending#my hero academia#mha#the more i think about the more i hate the ending#and the more it does NOT make sense to me#like horikoshi if you were gonna have izuku lose ofa after giving it to tomura... maybe dont let him get it back after giving it to bakugou?#like#why didnt ofa just decide to go back to izuku?#they did that before#ugh#im so mentally ill about izuku and his dreams i cant do this#and why couldnt he be a quirkless hero??#the original plot??#snipes quirk is that he aim good#this may be american of me to say#but just get that boy an ak47 and some training and he'll be just fine#genuinely do not understand why he cant be a quirkless hero#DONT get me wrong imm 10000% on team midoriya should have kept ofa#but either way#he should have been able to be a hero from the second he graduated#fuck#vent post#vent#i guess??? im so upset about the ending#i dont understand what kind of message its supposed to send :/#and pretty much every hero-side person gets a nice ending OTHER than the character who is the core of my heroaca special interest#it kills me
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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imo shoot me dead i guess but some of you are getting a bit too comfortable posting some back end cannibalism stuff for cotl art i was previously 'ok yeah cool!' bc i understood the dark themes of the game! and how it had a ritual for it. but uh oh.
#small vent? im more like perturbed than anything.#i just saw something that actually kind of felt disturbing to me for the first time#so now im just uh!! ok!#personal#sunny rambles#love the game but im putting the fandom just a bit more at arms distance from what ive been seeing going around#ill still update the au!! just aaa ill have to see what ill do!!#and i understand and admire art to be able to inspire/scare/disturb a person n i think thats so rad#but ill just have to be muting some stuff cotl wise on personal preference so for those waiting for some cotl art and see less thats whyjgh
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i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking
#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful#if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu'#I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL#ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS#PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER#i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair#its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted'#and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you#and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu#NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE#figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life#and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES#but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me)#knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me#and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily#like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them#and telling them they don't is beyond cruel
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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i just have one more thing to say about him before i go to sleep, and that's this: i've been thinking about making blamore an herbalist that's partially self-taught + also had asked someone to also teach him about it and i think i'm going to do it. because i think it would really fit for his character, since blamore would likely do it as a way to try to find out ways to ease its own pain (particularly his nerve pain) at first. but... all i can imagine now is blamore stumbling across someone's muse in the event that they are friends and them being injured / in pain.
and as a result, it would want to try to help alleviate them of their suffering; so if they had burns and/or cuts, then he'd rub a herbal salve into their skin where it was affected to help treat them. and maybeee he'd give them a bath or something in yarrow if they had a fever because it has been shown to have REALLY good anti-pyretic (anti-fever) abilities. so i basically just imagined it trying to nurse them back to health at least a little bit, and i 😭 i'm putting this on my wishlist on here now because this is just too damn sweet albeit in an angsty way to not do so. but of course, if they were like on death's door or something, then it would definitely just be using some of these herbal cures in the meantime until he could get an medical doctor out there like nico to help them. but it's the thought that counts in the end
#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#yeah so in other words... if your muse is one of blamore's friends then it is going to take care of them alright 😭 though i feel as if him-#using yarrow to lower someone's fever would depend on whether or not he actually had anti-pyretic meds in his greenhouse at the time-#because if it did then blamore would likely just tell them to take some of that since it IS generally easier buttt. Yeah he is absolutely-#the kind of friend to volunteer to watch over them if they're scared as well bc they're really hurt and hold their hand to comfort them-#since it knows that physical touch can be SUCH a reassurance in situations like these as it helped him a lot in particular whenever he-#got shot before it's transformation as he was VERY upset as y'all may be able to imagine because the man's father had just died in front of#them and it didn't want to leave sacha's side even though it was literally bleeding very badly like ;; OMG and i say that touch helped-#him in this situation because it took someone gently patting its back and rubbing circles into it to comfort him to even THINK about lettin#go of his father. so yeahhh i know that's pretty sad BUT it really did not take sacha's death well and understandably so#tw: illness.#tw: injury.#tw: mentions of death.#wishlist.
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man ok so you know the spiciness scale on menus that show you how spicy a dish is so you can order based on your tolerance. can we have that for sauces too please
#im being serious btw. the sauce to rice ratio is very important and sacred to me#whenever i eat at home i get to choose how much sauce i can have with my rice because i dont like absolutely dousing it but i still wanna b#able to taste it yanno. i dont do well with slippery/saucy foods and ive given up trying to understand it. it might be a sensory thing#i am so sorry to admit this on the soup website but i cant handle thick/chunky sauces or curry. forgive me#the worst part is that i actually can handle and even enjoy some like caldereta and congee. but its so hard to tell people ill eat this but#not that.. its embarassing because it feels like im making exceptions. which i am!! because its preference!! but alas#but anyway with the sauce scale. i was thinking it would be nice to include a scale for how much sauce you want with a dish#rather than just skirting away from a food because you feel like you cant handle the texture or feel unsure about it#sauce could be adjustable without completely changing the recipe so it would be more like a matter of quantity or serving size#also i feel like i can make cool names for the scale. like “light drizzle” to “sauceageddon”#im asian so when i eat sauce i pair it with rice and it works because the rice kind of cancels out or makes the sauce more tolerable for me#with caldereta i make it an even 50/50 because i can taste it in the rice without the texture getting in the way#but with pasta and sauce its normally 1/3 sauce because the pasta normally isnt enough to cancel it out#i also grew up with relatives making fun of my eating habits and i really really hate eating at restaurants and gatherings because of it#maybe its because they want to make sure im eating right but!! you dont have to call me out for my 1/3 portion of spaghetti sauce!! damn!!!#anyway im not sure if anyone feels the same abt this and maybe its just me. but it would be really nice to have this a normal thing#without judging ppl for their eating habits and preferences. on god#yapping#food ment#EDIT: ASKING FOR SAUCE ON THE SIDE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS A THING
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Wait waitwaitwait I just saw something on Pinterest hold on
Was Snufkin deadass not aware he had parents??? Until Moominpappa was telling him about them??? Did he think he just spawned one day what
#the fuck do you mean he didn’t remember his parents??????#how long has he been on his own??????????#i understand that kids simply won’t think to question things they know but like KID. YOU HAD TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE.#moomins#snufkin#the exploits of moominpappa#i am back to being interested in moomins again so im going to finish watching the 90s series#and then i think ill watch the 2019 one and try to find some of the books#maybe ill be able to find the comics too#the real kicker is trying to get my sibling into it#bc i got them into tma easy enough all i had to do was show them fanart of jon being a sad tortured wet cat being kidnapped all the time#but the last time they saw me watching moomins they said he looked scary (baseless accusation?????)#and its not like moomin or snufkin are particularly tortured sad individuals#so i gotta find a new way to appeal to them despite how ‘scary’ moomin looks
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anyway, i think my hot take regarding the whole canon vs fanon thing for the dpxdc fandom is that fanon is fine but it also gets boring. there's a reason why 90% of the dpxdc creative content feels exactly the same. i'm not trying to like,, shit on anyone's work, but so many of these fics are very, very similar in plot and dynamics. and that's a product of the fact that most of the fandom doesn't actually know anything about dc.
if you're relying solely on fandom osmosis to learn about the characters and events, then you end up missing out on a lot. it's not Bad, but it's basically the footnotes. the sparknotes. the starred review compared to the actual book. you aren't getting a lot, is what i'm saying. and that's why so much of the content feels exactly the same! it's because everyone is getting their info from the same decade old jokes. so creative work ends up blending into each other because the creators don't actually have anything else to work with (because they don't Know anything else) so they rely on the same five fanon jokes and headcanons that they do know.
as a dc fan, i Do encourage dpxdc fans to look into dc and read the comics and be more active on the dc side of things, not because fanon is inherently Bad, but because it opens up so many more avenues for creativity. i'd love to see people talk about danny fighting evil vampire nightwing or going on missions with karen or having fun with kara. but most dp fans don't even know characters outside of the most popular 10 and know even less about any of the plots or universes. so like, it's not exactly a surprise that every fic sounds the same. and like. does that not get boring to you guys?
#i'm sorry ik some of this sounds mean but its true aldghk#its not a bad thing but it is a noticeable thing#and im sure there are plenty of dp fans who are still having fun and dont mind this#but im sure there are also some dp fans who'd also like some variety#and that variety could be there! if you guys knew more about dc#there are so many characters! so many universes! so much you can do!#stop fighting about canon vs fanon and have fun with how much dc content there is!!#you don't have to read Everything but it definitely helps to read Some things#you'll get more ideas! more aus! more headcanons! more over the top jokes!#dc has SO much content for you to explore!!! why wouldnt you want to take advantage of that?#like you'll literally never run out of content to explore because there's just So much and they keep making more of it#even old forgotten characters get brought back every now and then#like! have fun with the canon that's there! and you'll be able to have more fun with your fanon!!!#dcxdp#im sorry but i really dont think ill ever be able to understand Why dp fans dont want to engage with canon dc content#its weird to me it truly is and i dont think anyone will change my mind honestly#ive seen all the replies and vague posts about it but it usually just amounts to#'we dont care about canon and we just want to have fun' which like. yeah. sure. but like..#are you saying you would have Less fun if you knew more about dc?#like..#if you genuinely like these characters then you would like their runs?? 😭 huh ???#it doesnt make sense to me! i dont get it! if you like them why would you have less fun reading about them!!#what!!#anyway yeah my hot take is that you should engage with the source material because it actually makes things More fun#why have dp fans convinced themselves that theyll hate dc canon i dont get it#its like reverse stockholm syndrome
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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
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Does anyone understand how to organize. Like how to make it work. Like how to keep spaces clean and your body clean? Does anyone know how to fight back the ever stronger rip tide of filth and clutter that takes over them? Also I'm sleepy.
#i barely have any belongings here and i still live in a fucking mess#i can barely work on my computer because the files are so disorganized. i think im just too stupid to have a good job#and like not to be one of those but i was in gifted. like the implication here was that i would beable to like. bare minimum make it.#and im nooooooooottttttt im not maaakiiiiiinnnnggg ittttt. im runing out of optionnnnnnnsssss#maybe ill just move back to the US and load boxes for fed ex again#but that also ended in my living space becoming almost unlivable#i like. i do t get how people do all these things and no body like can seem to fucking tell me why its so fucking impossible for me D:#like i TRY i really do fucking try. i dont understand. it makes me want to just fucking kill my self no joke. like i no matter what i do i#cant keep a space clean. i cant keep anything nice i break everything i touch and i fail everything i try because something Bout me is just#broken! and bobidy fucking cares! i dont want to be like this. i want to have plants and i wanna smell nice and i want my room to be pretty#and not have fucking bigs all the time#i dont understand i feel like im some fucking avatar for the filth magnusarchives style likw everything about me is dirty#i rot everything i touch. i#legit crying now lol. i just want to be able to be a human. i dont feel like a human. humans care about their environment they can keep#spaces clean. human organize naturally. why am i not human like that?
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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